#guess I'm just bad with emotions. always have been. kinda sucks not knowing what to do about this

[thr4shit]

I don't want to zone out but also DAMN I REALLY want to zone out...

I'm stuck in a tiny pining loop and I don't know when it will end.

[alena-draws]

Aha! I have now read the last (??? probably?) chapter of Mha. Thoughts to this chapter and the whole ending itself, and obivously spoilers under the cut!

Ok so first, I don't think it's a bad chapter per se? There are some pretty cool pages in there, and I love seeing the grown up characters! Whatevery happened to Monoma and Denki, they are looking GOOD. I love the little scene between Tsuyu and Ochako, just because we get to see that they are besties, hanging out and telling each other about their lives!

Also Kacchan got a racing car (or something fancy at least)? I didn't really expect him to go for such appearance-things, but maybe just because I'm not a fan of cars myself. And hey, despite the threat Kiri gets to eat in his car, look how far he has come *sniff*

Now coming to the obvious, the Ochako/Deku part. I love Ochako as a character, and I think Ochako/Deku is still really cute. It's a sweet pairing, it has just never been my main interest because I always found the dynamic between Izuku and Katsuku so much more compelling. ^^ I would have preferred not to conform any ships though- I thought the last chapter was ok as an ending, with the way you can now make up your own ideas about how and where everyone will end up. As it seems, Hori did have other plans for Izuku and wanted to close that ambiguous, open Izuku/Ochako part. It's his character, and he can do that.

But there are some things that do leave me unsatisfied, from the ending in general and this chapter.

First- what do you mean Izuku won't join Katsuki's hero agency??? Like----what? And not just from a shipping perspective, but from his whole character arc? I'm not sure if I read too much into it, but over the course of the whole manga, Izuku's main rival has been his friend, and they have been shown again and again as acting as this hero duo - winning to save and saving to win. That was a whole theme!! Where has that gone? Which leads me to my second and biggest unsatifaction with the ending: Where is that important talk between Katsuku and Izuku? Look, I don't need any romantic special talk. What I want though is some kind of closure of their whole dynamic. It was a big fucking plot point that Iuku would go beserk if something happened to Katsuki, a way he didn't react to for anything else. And that happpened not only once or twice but at least three times- the kidnap, the stabbing 1, and the death scene. For heaven's sake, Izuku saw his best friend laying on the ground. That stuff does something to you!! And the only thing we get is a (sweet, but still) hospital scene. And, during all these interactions (at least later, not the fight on ground beta): the hospital at the end and the apology of Katsuki, Izuku only ever reacts but doesn't really say much aside from that? He doesn't start and look for any conversation, and he doesn't really tell us what he feels in these moments. I as the reader would at least expect some kind of talk between them how that last battle made them feel. But no- so now, it leaves me with the feeling that Izuku is either A) not actually that close to Katsuki which however contradicts everything we've seen until now, or B) emotionally really really repressed and oh my god get that boy some therapy and help him figure out his stuff. Or, C) they did that talk behind the scenes which would really suck. Izuku is still the main character. You want the reader to identify with him and confront complex emotions that result from all those hardships together with him- how are we supposed to do that if HE NEVER FUCKING TALKS ABOUT HIS FEELS. I mean, this is kinda what Kacchan gets at in the car. Another interesting scene!

Is this a confession or a push for Izuku to notice potential feelings from Kacchan? Well, we don't know. That's left open and I guess we're really free to interpret. It would be a Kacchan thing to say I guess, and we also have that offer to become hero partners (which you didn't accept Izuku because you have brain damage). Also possible is that the intention of this is that we get that Izuku/Ochako scene. They might be fucking with us and it could be both, because you still can't have someone openly declaring any gay feelings in a shounen manga. I don't want to speculate too much, it's of no use anyway *shrugs shoulders.

So yeah...what I'm miffed about is not really the confirmation about a the Izuku/Ochako pairing. What really bugs me is that this special relationship that exists between Izuku and Katsuki, where they both kind of motivate each other to be the best they can be, in such an intense way they we don't see them have with any other character- that THIS never gets addressed and that we're left hanging in the air, not really knowing what the relationship between these two is now- THAT pisses me off. (again: if you best friend died and came back, you would maybe want to address that in some way?) It feels like the writer left one big theme of the series infinished, and now with this chapter, it feels kinda dismissed to the side. I love Izuku but that passiveness and the lack of insight to his feelings during those last volumes (for the reader and by himself too) does make him feel...a bit hollow at the end to me. Last short topic: I'm also just a tiny bit disappointed that the only conclusion of the quirk theme was that they now start early to teach kids and help communication. Good thing of course, but with the way we heard "Quirks are getting stronger by each generation" and the quirk evolution, I thought there was something bigger coming, so that's been a bit of a let down. Nothing big, just an "oh, that's all?" moment)

But yeah...I think that kinda sums up how I feel about this now. Anyway, no hate for the IzuOcha part, they're pretty cute together!

[cyanide-sippy-cup]

Finally watched Caped Crusader and I have ✨thoughts✨.

Oswalda is straight up iconic. Loved every scene with her. I actually laughed out loud when the dude goes "Thorne got you to kill the wrong son?" and she responds "Not that!" I'd let her lock me in a suitcase and throw me in the sea. She gets a gold star ⭐

I like that we get to see Selina's origin. I like the classic suit. That's kinda it though. A bit sad that Bruce didn't feel any connection with her. Just not a huge fan of her character here. She doesn't feel like Selina (a problem most of this show faces tbh).

I was loving the Harley stuff. The bit with Renee was so cute, and I love that she really was passionate about helping Bruce move past his trauma. I really like that she's Barbara's friend. Was really upset at the fakeout death but at least she was just joshin. The villain stuff felt like fetishes which like okay. I guess Bruce needed to put in something to replace BruceBabs. Anyway, that's the final dig towards him. As much as this Harley episode wasn't my favorite, a promise is a promise. Although I do gotta ask, WHY CAN'T RENEE CATCH A BREAK IN HER LOVE LIFE >:(((

No fucking way the moral of episode 7 was "the system is totally not screwed, it's just a few bad apples and also a criminal is a criminal and should be jailed". Barbara literally says the system sucks cause the cops can do what they want and get in anyone's pockets and then nearly gets killed by a cop and then they end it with "actually, I think you do"?! I mean yeah that specific guy deserved prison but ending it on that note of Barbara feeling betrayed and confused on her morals tells a very not-so-delightful message. Glad the show backtracks on all that immediately but it's still weird and definitely could've used some revising to fit in with the rest.

Onomatopeia was awesome though. I remember people claiming his shtick couldn't work when he appeared in Superman and Lois. They said that it only worked in comics and would be too silly out loud. Happy to report that they're wrong.

I feel like I'm the only one who was excited to see Waylon but that's okay cause I got enough excitement for everyone. Love to see my mans kicking the shit out of potential perverts. You go, Waylon!

Dick, Jason, Steph, and Carrie. Definitely an interesting combination. But it's also so nice to see a Jason who grew up in a different environment and is therefore adorable with no rage in his heart. As opposed to Carrie who was ready to kick some ass. The ending to episode 8 really understood Batman, what with him saying he can't leave her there, carrying her and shielding her under the cape, and then asking about her later.

The Harvey bit is kinda cool but 1, I've always been iffy on the shotty DID stuff and 2, I think they coulda gone further. Just watch The Long Halloween for a better Two Face plot.

I like Harvey helping that guy get his stuffed animal back. That was a nice small character moment. If we had more stuff like that and Bruce being unable to confess his emotions to Alfred, I think this whole thing would be better. This one made up for episode 7's little message by having Barbara tell Harvey that it's not so cut and dry and that he deserves help too. I'm glad they went back to that after the whole "sometimes things are black and white" bit. Batman is about helping people just as much as Superman is and I feel like sending a message that "nope, bad is bad and he should just punch people" doesn't fit the entire thesis of Batman.

This finale really encapsulates how this show doesn't quite understand the character of Batman. It may be comic-accurate for him to be an asshole and put on the voice randomly, treat Alfred like crap, and randomly break character with stuff like "don't start growing a conscience now, Dent" but as I said it goes against the whole thesis. This is more along the lines of the Nolan films with the "Bruce Wayne is the mask" bit. And we all know how I feel about those films.

And then it ends on a boring cliffhanger with the boss guy and then a shitty Joker teaser. Boo.

In short, this show is good but it's not anything special. I do really like the classic Batman aesthetic, but that's pretty much it. It doesn't really understand the characters like MAWS and WFA, the overarching plot is kind of uninteresting and it doesn't feel like we're building up to something great. I feel like this show really wanted to use the episodic style to take a look at all these different elements of Gotham's world with references to existing characters and aspects. But whereas MAWS smoothly slid those into its narrative and setting, this just kinda feels like a villain of the week show instead of working towards this grand narrative. And that can be a good thing, I mean I'm a Scooby Doo fan for crying out loud, but in this scenario, it just doesn't work that exceptionally. If it gets a season 2, I'll probably watch it. But this isn't something I'd be excitedly waiting to see new episodes of.

[bleach-your-panties]

💔the pathological liar - pro hero! yo shindou x fem! pro hero! gf! reader

warnings: characters aged up to 20+, lying, cheating, arguing, manipulation, gaslighting, sexual activities, non-con (reader does say no), dub-con, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, name-calling, physical struggles, physical fighting (one-sided, so assault?), reader has a smart ass mouth and is kinda toxic as well, slight!yandere!yo, toxic relationships, toxic mindsets, false imprisonment, triggering subject at the end. read at your own risk!

☠️: some dialogue/actions inspired by true events.

💔: banner images from pinterest. 

💔: banner made by me with canva. 

post themes: say my name - destiny's child

                      confessions, parts I & II - usher

                      take a bow - rihanna

                      shake it off - mariah carey

💔 3.5k words

💔read in dark mode for best experience!

🖤series 🖤touya.

—--

—--

I know you say that I am assuming things

Something's going down that's the way it seems

Shouldn't be no reason why you're acting strange

If nobody's holding you back from me

'Cause I know how you usually do

When you're saying everything to me times two

Why can't you just tell the truth?

If somebody's there, then tell me who

—--

"Baby, ain't nothing good. It's all bad."

—--

'Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message system: 

"Shindou, Yo". Cannot come to the phone right now, please leave your message at the tone-'

Before the recording could finish, you were throwing your iPhone across your bed as you shrugged your backpack off of your shoulders.

Your boyfriend, Yo Shindou, never answered his phone when you called. Never when you called, but he'd always immediately send a text or call you back hours later, claiming that his phone was dead or that he'd misplaced it somewhere at the agency. 

Like now, for example. 

'ding'

'Sorry babe, got caught up in something last minute at the agency. Call you back when I'm home. Love you.'

You scoffed as you read over the message.

You wouldn't be getting a call back, that much you knew for certain.

With a sudden urge to be petty, you texted back:

'Something like what, Yo? Another bitch's pussy? Yeah, people at my agency are starting to talk and guess who's the topic of conversation? Just know that the label of 'cheating boyfriend' won't do your "picture perfect" image any justice. Bitch.'

After hitting send, you tossed the phone back onto your bed and that was where it would lay until you got out of the shower. 

As soon as your bathroom door closed, the phone vibrated with another text. 

'Oh, so we're doing this shit again? Bet. I'll be over in 20.'

—

After moisturizing your body and putting on some pajamas, you climbed into bed and pulled out the book that you'd been reading. Leaving your phone discarded somewhere in the covers.

It was starting to get to one of the more interesting parts when a chorus of loud, booming knocks came on your front door.

"Who in the fuck?" You threw the covers back furiously and slipped your fluffy slippers on. 

You walked out of your room and down the hallway, the beating at the door only growing more intense as you sucked your teeth.

"I'm coming, dammit!"

Pulling the door open without checking the peephole first would be your first mistake of the night.

When the messy mop of dark locks, green/yellow hero uniform, and chiseled pecs came into your view, you immediately tried to slam the door shut. Yo wasn't having any of that.

He grabbed the edge of the door, wedging half of his body inside of your apartment before he pushed it forward with force, making it slam and bounce off of the wall. 

Once his boots made contact with the carpeted floor of your apartment, you took multiple steps back, putting about two feet of distance between the two of you.

"What's wrong, baby? You don't look too happy to see me."

Scoffing harshly, you bit your bottom lip between your teeth as you glared up at him.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, huh? Beating on my goddamn door like you've lost your mind. Thought you were caught up in something? That just goes to show that all you do is fucking lie. You bitch." 

Yo just looked at you with his face scrunched up. He was clearly irritated with your antics, especially the name-calling. Kicking off his boots, he began to walk towards you. 

"Stop fucking being difficult, Y/N. You know, baby, if you missed me and wanted some dick, all you had to do was ask nicely." 

He said in that irritating, condescending tone that he always uses when talking to those that he feels are beneath him. You being one of those. Even though you're a pro-hero just like he is. 

Not believing what you were hearing, your mouth dropped open. You could feel the blood begin to rise in your ears, loud and whooshing against your skull. 

A dry chuckle then left your lips. 

"You think…that all of this is because I want some dick? Trust me, sweetie, if I just wanted some dick I could go get it from any one of your co-workers. A lot of them have been giving me the eye, you know. Especially since you're never around and I just changed up my hero uniform, so the skirt is short-" 

Yo cut you off by grabbing you by the biceps and yanking you towards him, making you stumble and throw your arms out to try to balance yourself before he then slammed you up against the wall. 

"Don't fucking play with me, Y/N. If you know what's good for you, you'll think twice about trying to entertain one of those bastards. Especially-" 

"Especially who? Bakugou? Oh, he'd be my first choice if I were to step out on you." You smirked up at him. 

He snarled. Your smirk widened as you could physically hear him grinding his teeth. 

Yo was quiet for a moment, just glaring at you as you stared right back at him with a bored look on your face. You even went as far as to yawn.

"Yeah, it's not so fun when the rabbit has the gun, huh?" 

He didn't answer, but instead pulled you off of the wall and hoisted you up over his shoulder. A big hand came up and smacked forcefully against your ass. 

"That's alright. I know how to fix you." He chortled darkly, moving away to begin walking down the hallway to your bedroom. 

"I don't want your community ass dick! Put me down, Yo!" 

He just ignored you and kicked open the door to the room. 

"Sure you don't. You always do this shit to get my attention, Y/N. Catch an attitude, start a stupid ass argument, and then I fuck it out of you. Same shit, different goddamn day, baby." 

Yo said after tossing you onto the bed, making your forgotten phone flop onto the floor. He gave it a puzzled look. 

"Oh, so that's why you seemed so surprised to see me. You didn't read my text." 

He chuckled, reaching to grab your hip to flip you over onto your stomach as if you were a pancake. 

Rough hands began to caress your feet, ankles, and legs, all the way up to your inner thighs and bottom of your ass cheeks, just under the hem of your nightdress. 

"No panties? Yeah, you were definitely planning on getting dicked down tonight, you needy little slut." 

SMACK

SMACK 

Your back arched off of the bed at the painful stinging of Yo's slaps. His hands felt heavy as lead as they connected with your soft flesh. 

SMACK

SMACK

SMACK

"Where are you going? Thought you liked when I spank you, huh?"

Yo wrapped an arm around your waist to bring you back when you tried crawling up the bed to escape him.

"Stop it, Yo…hurts…" You whined. 

"It hurts, Yo, please stop." He mocked. "Stop being a fucking brat, then."

He grabbed one of your ass cheeks and squeezed hard, making you moan out involuntarily. 

"Moaning like this but you don't want my dick? I bet you're dripping fucking wet for me right now, Y/N. Dare me to check?"

You didn't respond, which prompted Yo to do as he suggested and slip two fingers underneath you between your ass cheeks to get to your slick folds.

"Damn baby, all this for me, yeah? Only me."

He growled. With his large hand, he covered your entire bare pussy and activated his Quirk.

A harsh shiver wracked through your entire body, another soft moan leaving your lips. Yo only pressed harder, moving his fingertips to graze over your clit repeatedly.

"Y-Yo…please, daddy…" You whined, making him smirk down at you. He increased the vibration of his fingers along with rubbing your clit from side to side.

"Say you're sorry for bringing up Bakugou and I might let you feel this fat dick next..." Yo rested his upper body against your back and snaked his free arm under you to hold you up off the bed just a bit.

"No..I'm…n-not sorry. I meant it. Oh fuck!" 

Yo grimaced before grabbing you and flipping you back over onto your back. 

"What did you say?" 

Your e/c eyes were wet with unshed tears as you frowned up at his handsome face. You didn't falter.

"You heard me." 

"I thought I told you that if you know what's good for you, you won't even think about that motherfucker!" He seethed.

"I obviously don't know what's good for me if I'm still fucking around with you!"

Before you knew what was happening, Yo had pinned you to the bed by your throat. Moving between your legs, he used his knees to spread them.

"Yo, stop!"

"Shut up, bitch. You'll learn to stop pissing me off one day."

His belt hit the bed as he undid it, his black pants and underwear soon following it. You tried to pull your legs up, but he surged forward, pushing his hard dick inside you with one thrust.

Head falling back against the soft mattress, you couldn't help but keen as Yo began a rough, fast pace. He gripped your calf to pull you closer and stretch you open wider for him.

"Yes, Yo…right there! I'm going to cum!" 

Yo grunted in response, trying to hold back from cumming himself.

"Yeah, baby? My fingers got you all ready to cum on my dick? Let it go then, oh shit." 

He sped up even more, making your free breasts bounce outside of your nightgown and the headboard hit the wall. It already had a small dent in it from your previous heated romps, but neither of you seemed to care very much.

It could be painted over once you moved out.

"Oh God, I…!" 

Your release splashed against Yo's pelvis and drenched the sheets beneath you.

"Ah, fuck. Yeah, made that little pussy squirt, huh? Stay still for me, baby. I'm about to nut." 

Your eyes widened. "Yo, no. You're not wearing a condom and I haven't replaced my NuvaRing yet!" 

It had been out for five days now while you waited on your doctor to send in a new prescription. 

That didn't stop him. Either he was too deep into his impending orgasm to hear you, or he was flat out ignoring you. 

"Yo!"

"SHIT! AGHH!" 

Blind fury clouded your vision while Yo's was clouded for a completely different reason altogether.

"Damn…" He breathed out, making sure to stay deep inside you until he was finished cumming.

Once you got your bearings, you sat up abruptly, making Yo stumble back onto his elbows. He sucked his teeth once he saw your angered face. 

"What's wrong, sweetheart? You don't want to have my baby?"

"Yo, we're both in our early 20's at the height of our hero careers. We're nowhere near ready for a damn baby!" 

The raven-haired man was about to respond until a soft, vibrating sound silenced the both of you.

You slowly swung your legs over the side of the bed, searching for the source of the noise.

Bending down, you surveyed the floor briefly. Your forgotten cell phone lay halfway underneath the bed.

It's not your phone going off. 

Yo could've been mistaken for a ghost; you watched his face blanch white while he patted the pockets of his discarded pants searching for the missing device.

A race against time, but you spotted it first.

With the rectangular device being tangled in your covers, Yo almost knocked you off the bed trying to get to it, but you were way faster than him. It was already in your hand.

tatas💕: my appointment is at 3pm tomorrow. are you going to be able to make it?

You scrunched your nose and swatted Yo's hand away while reading the text.

"Appointment? What is this about, and why does Tatami need you there?"

Cold e/c eyes turned to stone while you watched Yo fidget nervously. This is one of the only times you've seen him like this; the other when he asked you out for the first time.

"Y/N…do you love me?"

"What kind of question is that, Yo? If I didn't, would I still be with you?"

"Unconditionally?"

Your nose scrunched. Something isn't right…

You knew all about Tatami. Yo's ex-girlfriend from high school. He told you that he broke it off during their third year because she was becoming too clingy. You'd even met her once, when you had a joint mission with her agency.

"Yes…"

"Say you'll never leave me?"

Oh hell no. He was asking too many questions now.

"What did you do, Yo? Huh?!" 

He just hung his head. His phone vibrated again in your hand. 

----

Everything that I've been doing is all bad

I've got a chick on the side

With the crib and the ride 

I've been telling you so many lies 

Aint none good, it's all bad

And I just wanna confess, it's been going on so long 

Girl I been doing you so wrong and I want you to know that 

----

"Everytime you called my phone, I wasn't at the agency working overtime…I..I was with Tatami."

A long, loud sigh left your lips. Your free hand came up, knuckles resting against your forehead.

I don't want to look, but I know I have to…

"Y/N.." Yo warned.

new message

"Y/N, please, baby…"

tatas💕: i know the doctor said that we won't know the sex until about 20 weeks, but i can't help being so excited! we're possibly going to have a little yo running around soon! 👶🏻

Your grip on the phone tightened. 

----

If I could turn back the hands of time 

And start all over I would

Instead of everything being all bad, baby

Everything'll be all good

I know today is the day that I end all the lying and the playing and the bullshit, girl 

----

"Y/N, I'm sorr-" 

WHAM!

Your knuckles that you'd been resting against your forehead went across Yo's face at the speed of light. You punched him hard as hell in his face, making him tumble over and off the foot of the bed. The sight would've been hilarious if you weren't so fucking pissed.

"I knew I was right…." You chuckled. "I fucking knew it. You knew that she was pregnant, too. You've known for months."

Yo looked up at you with big, watery eyes full of regret. Almost like he was a different person entirely. 

One hand clutched his throbbing cheek. You'd hit him so hard that his lower lip busted. His perfect face would soon be discolored black and blue, across his forehead, nose (that was also bleeding now), and right eye.

"I'm sorry! Baby, I'm sorry!" 

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YO! YOU'RE ONLY SORRY BECAUSE YOU GOT FUCKING CAUGHT!"  You raged. You lunged off the bed at him and started hitting him everywhere, as hard as you could. You even grabbed two handfuls of his black hair and yanked his head around.

Yo finally grabbed your arms and pinned them against your chest. You'd grown exhausted, so you just let yourself fall against his naked chest.

A bitter chuckle, then the tears, hot and angry. You couldn't hold them any longer as you looked up at Yo, staring at his swollen, beaten face.

"You're so fucking ugly when you cry. What the fuck are you crying for, huh? I'm the one that got cheated on. Lied to, played with, manipulated." 

"Not only did you fucking lie to me and cheat on me, but you fucked around and got the bitch pregnant, too. This has got to be a joke."

Yo slowly crawled up from the floor with you in his arms, blood dripping down his nose and lip, staining the carpet, then the bedsheets while you covered your face with your hands and sobbed. 

He cradled you gently and laid his head against yours, lips kissing at the temples.

"Baby, please…we can work this out. I don't love her. I love you, but I…I still want to be there for the baby…"

Your brokenhearted wails only increased in volume.

"Don't cry, baby. I promise I'll be here for you and our baby, too."

—-

Three Months Later 

Yo made good on his word to be there for you.

Shortly after his "confession", you found out that you were pregnant as well.

Tatami is currently six months along, while you're only three.

Turns out that all of this was a part of Yo's twisted plan. 

Instead of your late birth control being due to your doctor's or the pharmacy's incompetence, it was Yo who called the doctor's office pretending to be your husband and had them cancel your refill request. 

Yo then demanded suggested that you take time off from hero work while you were carrying his child, which you slightly agreed with, but still did so with reluctance.

You don't know how he did it, but you guessed being one of the top 20 heroes carried with it a lot of weight for him to be able to take off enough to make it to all of yours and Tatami's appointments.

He even moved you out of your apartment and into his. Into your own room. 

The reason that you had your own room was because Tatami ended up losing her apartment due to being out of work, so Yo moved her in as well. 

With the way that the living arrangements had been set up, you and Tatami might as well have been sister wives.

To attempt to keep things "fair" between the both of you, Yo would designate certain nights where either of you would get to sleep in the room with him. So neither of you would feel neglected by him.

His heart was in the right place, wasn't it? 

Even when you could clearly hear the whispered moans and soft creaking of the bed from Yo's room on Tatami's nights.

No matter how you tried to make yourself not hear it. 

Yo didn't want you stressing out, he claimed, so he bought you many expensive gifts and gadgets to help you get a good night's rest.

None of them worked. 

Not when the walls in that apartment were paper thin.

Many nights you cried and raged to yourself. 

Obviously all of that stress wasn't healthy for the baby.

Which leads you to today.

A pair of dark sunglasses hiding your eyes along with a long trench coat and hat to conceal the rest of your persona.

They were loud and jarring as you walked in, but your world had gone numb three months ago. Now you were trapped inside your own world as you stepped up three flat steps into a white, brick building. 

A ghost clutching a brown clipboard only made the atmosphere even gloomier before whisking you away from the judgemental eyes and into a plainly decorated room with blue walls.

She read over the papers first then handed the clipboard to you, one more questioning look being shot your way. 

You just gave a simple nod.

—-

"You have reached the voicemail box of L/n, Y/n. I can't come to the phone right now, but leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can!"

BEEP.

Yo sighed heavily and put his head in his hands before standing up to walk out of your completely barren bedroom.

Before he closed the door, he whispered softly,

"Why, Y/n?" 

Your location on his phone showed him exactly where you were.

—-

Gotta make that move 

Find somebody who

Appreciates all the love I give

Boy, I gotta 

Gotta do what's best for me

Baby and that means I gotta shake you off

—--

a/n: i think this piece was a pretty strong start to the series! i'm really proud of it! stay tuned, there's plenty more bullshit to come!

*remember, if you get angry enough at your partner that you feel like wanting to put your hands on them, just walk away! 

[just-jarren]

~*|| Stressed ||*~ (Frouse fanfiction)

Characters: Kryoz, Smii7y, BigPuffer, and Blarg.

Ship: Krii7y (Kryoz x Smii7y)

Request?: Nope

TWs: Slight mentions of mental health or self harm

WARNING: CRINGEEE (I'm bad at writing, forgive me for the cringe)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

*Smii7y, Kryoz, Puffer, and Blarg are all hanging out at Kryoz's house*

Puffer: "So Kryoz, you've been sewing recently?"

Kryoz: "Huh? Oh yea, mostly just making some custom pants and shit."

Smii7y: "Are the pants you're wearing right now custom? They look sick as fuck!"

Kryoz: "Yeaa, got these pants for like $2 at a thrift shop. I decided they needed a little pizazz!"

Smii7y: "Damn, $2?! Where you shopping? I gotta check it out!"

Kryoz: "It's just a little thrift shop down the street, I think it's called 'Little Things'? Though I doubt they're also in Canada."

Blarg: "Damn.. Guess I'm not getting any cheap shit."

Puffer: *laughs* "I mean there's gotta be some kind of thrift shop in Canada, I highly doubt there just isn't any thrift shops-"

Smii7y: "Nah, I ain't ever seen a thrift shop where I live. It's just fucking Target and TJ Maxx."

Kryoz: "Damn, y'all ain't got shit... You should just live here in America."

Smii7y: "Nahh, I like it in Canada. Plus it's not easy to just find a house to move into."

Kryoz: "I mean- You could just live with me~"

Smii7y: "Hmmm... Not gonna lie, that sounds kinda fun~"

Puffer: "Now y'all are just flirting with each other. Like y'all always are-"

Smii7y + Kryoz: "What?!"

Smii7y + Kryoz: ". . ."

Smii7y: "Jinx bitch."

*The 4 of them sat and chatted for the rest of the night. Puffer and Blarg headed back to their hotel room, but Smii7y stayed with Kryoz.*

*Smii7y and Kryoz hung out for a while, but things got quiet after a bit. It was very late... 1:00 am*

Kryoz: *sigh* "...God, I wished tomorrow just- wouldn't happen"

Smii7y: "..?"

Smii7y: "What do you mean..?"

Kryoz: "You know..? Everything just kind of fucking sucks, I'm tired of just living. It's so fucking stressful, why do I gotta be perfect?"

Smii7y: "Perfect? You don't have to be perfect, no one is man."

Kryoz: "Well- I just feel like everything I do has to be perfect. My art needs to be perfect, my videos need to be perfect, my fucking life has to be perfect."

Smii7y: "... Are you okay man?"

Kryoz: *sigh* "No... No I'm fucking not okay."

Kryoz: "I'm so so fucking stressed, I'm confused about everything..."

Smii7y: "Confused..? About what?"

Kryoz: "Well... A lot of things. Mainly a... love interest."

Smii7y: "Love interest? Damn, how come you didn't say something earlier..?"

Kryoz: "I-... There's a reason okay? If I had told you, things would've... been different."

Smii7y: "Different? Why? Am I the love interest~?"

Kryoz: ". . ."

Kryoz: *sigh* "Yea, you are.. And I'm not fucking joking alright?"

*Smii7y just sits there, shocked... Not sure what to say.*

Smii7y: "R-Really..? I wasn't expecting that-..."

Kryoz: "Yeah... Sorry for being emotional, tonight was just supposed to be a fun night."

Smii7y: "What?! Don't apologize!"

*Smii7y moved closer to Kryoz and held his hand*

*Smii7y feels Kryoz's hand and wrist...*

Smii7y: "Kryoz.. Your wrist is so beat up..."

Kryoz: "Oh I-..."

Smii7y: "Kryoz..."

Kryoz: "I- I'm sorry.."

Smii7y: "Don't fucking apologize! Just, please take care of yourself man. And hey... I love you too man."

Kryoz: "O-oh! Okay, I didn't expect that..!"

*Kryoz looked at Smii7y for a second or two, leaning closer eventually leading to a kiss.*

Smii7y: "Glad you said something, cause I would've never had the confidence to say anything-..."

Kryoz: "Heh... I almost didn't say anything."

(THE END)

(Y'ALL I SUCK AT WRITING I'M SO SORRY)

[poindexters-labratory]

Uhhhm, vent, I guess? I'm just trying to put my feelings into words because it bridges that gap between my thoughts and verbalizing.

Um, there's a bit of a breakdown, and I start talking to myself. Also, talking about emotional trauma. I just kinda wanted to get out somewhere. Sorry to use a public platform, but I don't really have a safe person to rely on.

I'm a very slow thinker. I always have been. I'm not witty or able to absorb information very quickly. I can pretend like I do, and it seems like I do, but my mannerisms and patterns of speech are a result of me desperately trying to keep up. Trying to keep my head above water.

My processing speed has always made me vulnerable. I can't keep up fast enough in open conversation when it comes to groups of people. On top of that, I have mild deafness in an ear on top of autism and ADHD, which makes audio processing extremely difficult. Over time, I've learned to become agreeable, easy to manage, and quiet.

But that life gets lonely. Listening in on conversations you'd like to be a part of, being the last one included, the last one invited, the last one considered, the first one abandoned. I wouldn't say that the experience has made me bitter or cold, but I do have some level of expected disappointment. And I get stressed when there's no attention put on me.

I've always been the kid who has been overlooked in class or at home. My family hardly knows what I want for my birthday, I don't have close friends, even when I like to say that everyone I talk with is my friend, I don't have a best friend. Everyone deserves to have a best friend, right?

It sucks to feel like I should apologize for being sensitive, for being quiet, for being naive, but I am. I feel like I'm no fun as a person. I'm literal, and we're living in an age where all our insecurities are hidden behind a layer of sarcasm and jokes that I just can't seem to wrap my head around. I'm easily scared by the jokes people say.

Not to mention traumatized from a life in an emotionally unstable environment. Terrified that if I made the tiniest mistake, the people around me would blow up in my face.

I weep for the child who learned how to open his school binder silently in class or hide in his room to avoid the potential of screaming downstairs.

The child who hid his entire personality for years to avoid conflict.

The child whose lost friend after friend, in every single location he's been to and left.

And I'm enraged. I had no other choice. And I'm scared. All my life, I've taught myself that if I just shut up, then no one will ever hurt me. If I just shut up, then I'll be safe from everyone.

"I'm too stupid for conversation anyway, I'm too slow to be a part of a group, to have a seat at the table, and I will finally be safe because the only things anyone has ever been interested in are shoving things that in the way and stepping on things that are too small."

That is a horrible thing for a child to convince himself of.

All of this is probably why I have NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). I convince myself on especially bad days that I'm obviously just better even though I consciously know it not to be true, and everyone is jealous, and that's why no one is talking to you. I have this deep desire to be admired in impossible ways, and I struggle immensely when I have absolutely no attention.

I need people to love me. I shouldn't give a reason because if I was loved and given attention properly, then we would be here.

"Am I really that awful? I can't possibly be. I'm positively normal and well-mannered and polite. I'm almost too nice. Sickeningly sweet. If people see how good I can be, then there's no reason why they wouldn't want to be my friend, right?

But I don't want to be too overbearing. I don't want to be too chatty. People hate people who talk too much. Especially when they talk about the same thing for hours. Especially when they can't take the joke. Don't be so serious, don't be so concerned, just fade into the background, and be as unremarkable as possible.

But I'd like to be noticed. I want that attention. I want the attention for saying something, doing something. Make the conversation about me, talk to me. Please talk to me, don't you see me? Don't you know how cool and remarkable I am, I can do all these amazing things, and I know all this information. Won't you like me?"

I also expect people to read my mind because that's what I do for them. I wait and pray that someone will notice the person sitting in the corner by himself. It hasn't quite worked yet.

So, now I imagine myself sitting in a field surrounded by people rushing around me. And I'm waiting. I've been sitting in this field for a while, envious of the people who walk by with someone in tow. I would like to be someone's someone.

It would be a lie if I said I didn't think about it often. I'm not interested in romance, I just want someone to be silly with, who I'm safe with, who likes to fool around sometimes, who's just there with me. Hell, it doesn't have to be one person. I just love people. An extrovert who's all alone is so depressingly ironic.

I don't have the answers or the steps to find the answer, but I know that it will unfortunately take time. Life will continue, and I will continue it by myself until I fortunately don't have to anymore. Until I won't be alone anymore. I feel like it will take as much time as it needs to.

[spiderculechronicals]

Hnnngh i have so much plot bunnies for this au I want to get to writing but it veered into another horny pitstop and I don't necessarily want to skip ahead because when I write out of order the pieces don't always flow together right and it's more work re-editing, so I'm just going to ramble about my ideas.

I want there to be a fierce call-out of Stark by Peter 3 and Deadpool, because of how Stark is trying to mold Peter 1 while being a privileged billionaire. Idk if this will *get* written because even fake conflict gets my ire up, but I want Tony put in his place and he ends up funding the Spidercule's new apartment without a lot of strings attached because it's for the betterment of the world and how *dare* he try to warn Peter 1 away from Deadpool, when Deadpool becomes better because Spidy believes he can.

There's an emotional reunion where it hits Peter 3 that Wade had spent even longer than two years in total getting back to him because of time travel, when from his own POV it had only been maybe two days. Deadpool kind of shrugs it off without shrugging it off, by pointing out that he's not ever going to die, one thing he has is time, and he'd have spent twenty years getting back to him it wouldn't make a difference. Peter 1 might make a Doctor Who comment and Deadpool gets derailed by how preciously geeky this little angel is.

Something something Peter 1 making a joke about a cuck chair while talking to Deadpool in front of Stark or Cap or similar, and they are traumatized a little bit. I'm thinking they could be viewing potential apartments and one is staged with furniture and Wade and Peter 1 and I guess Stark are looking at the main bedroom while the other Peters are maybe scoping the kitchen or bathroom or whatever, and right after Stark has finished saying something (or maybe the realtor has just said something and Stark is kinda chatting with them) and Wade opens the closet and the Peter 1 just points at a chair by the bed and blurts out cheerfully, "Oh hey! They even show you where you can put the cuck chair." And Wade *wheezes* he's so proud.

Aaand some love for Peter 2 being basically the Nokia Brick of Spideys, he is the strongest physically and also the smallest in stature, and while he is also a brilliant scientist he's so much more comfortable with his bio webs (which in this au turn out to not be erogenous at all, though Peter 3 gives it a try- I already wrote this scene but aspects will be revisited), though the chemistry aspect of the synthetics fascinate him. I decided he produces a kind of spit that can dissolve his web, like there's a gland in his mouth he can pull from, it's not his saliva in general. The special spit has an unpleasant taste, which Peter 3 insists on confirming from the source (but he deems it not *that* bad, which makes Peter 1 curious enough that he has to know too, and finds it exceedingly too bitter). I want the web disolving saliva to also work on the lab made webs (most of them, I guess maybe some formulations might be more resistant but in general it works), so in some kind of pinch scenario he puts his mouth on Peter 3's shooter that's having a clog issue and just back flushes it and then sucks it out to clear it. And DP makes a Hawk Tuah comment and Peter 2 is like... well, he just spits the juice in his face. And DP thanks him. And Peter 2 doesn't even know what that means but it's DP so he has a pretty good idea from context anyway.

Additional, the dissolving spit if ingested in more than trace amounts has a laxative effect, which Peter 2 is immune to and DP is too, and Peter 1 and 3 can also probably tolerate more than someone without a healing factor, but like. don't piss Peter 2 off if you leave your drink unattended, especially if it's either black coffee, an IPA, or like a Negroni. You'll have a bad time.

Peter 1 is the most well fed of the Peters for his age and the other two are so happy for him. 2 and 3 struggled with perpetually lanky bodies while Peter 1 is of course still slim but just a little thicker. He reveals his secret weapon is protein powder in everything and glucose packs like runners use just, all the time. Rice and beans. Deadpool makes him protein pancakes with real maple syrup and he is such a happy spider. Peter 1 also eventually starts mom-friending Peter 2 and 3 into eating more often and not just dealing with the hunger pain like it's inevitable.

Deadpool and Peter 1 start a figet toy collection.

That's all that come to mind right now aaaa

[askdrdtghostau]

sorry about what happened to you guys :(((

how do you feel about each other? and how do you feel about the (living) participants?

It makes me really mad to see what has happened to those two. And one of them was my fault! They both don't deserve what happened to them. Arei has been less annoying than she was beforehand, and Min. Well, we don't really spend a bunch of time together since she explores the void and stuff while I watch the living people. And it's probably for the better that I don't talk to her.

Watching the others can get a tad bit frustrating, seeing them all fight. But I get it, tensions are high and they're all very emotional people. I just wish there was something I could do to help them.

-Xander!

these guys arent so bad once i talked to them and shit. kinda makes me wish that i coulda talked to them under better circumstances. if you can call the shithole killing game "better circumstances".

and the living people. those dumbasses BETTER solve my murder!! at the rate theyre going i dont have high hopes. theyre all dicking around and getting distracted by shit-for-brains david and being stupid. at least teruko is somewhat competent and can guide these braindead people, even if she is a hardass. arturo can go choke on his stupid mask. and i know i just called him shit-for-brains, but some part of me still wants to hear him out and give him a chance. but he did call me trash so fuck him. and eden needs to stop crying like a baby. you gotta suck it up now that im gone! and even though im not able to protect her now, i guess the least i could do is watch over her, or something. and when that killer of mine gets here, im gonna punch them right in the face!

- 💙arei💙

Xander and I are on amicable terms. We both apologized to each other and we've moved on. Even so, I can't help but feel guilty whenever I see Xander, and I can't shake the feeling that he must carry some ill will towards me. I did kill him, after all. But he always seems so apologetic whenever that topic is brought up, so it's most likely an anxiety of mine.

Arei is actually quite kind and makes efforts to spend time with me. I don't know what happened in the time I was dead, but something seemed to have happen to have change her. It's nice to have someone to talk to in a situation like this, but it can get annoying when she's distracting me while I'm doing experiments about this place and our ghostly forms.

I hope that after this second class trial, no more murders will occur and everyone will find a way to escape this horrible place.

-Min

[jellybeanium124]

so first off SALS includes the right both to like and hate a ship. it just means be chill. but basically as someone who (sorry) enjoys steddyhands/stizzy (sorry)... man I wish more of people who were into it were normal (sorry again). like dude it sucks having to basically go into fics with a checklist of things that it needs to do or avoid, or suddenly hitting one sentence and going "fuck this shit, I'm out."

I've always been a crack-ish multishipper. putting characters into relationships who are not canonically in one and maybe shouldn't be and thinking about what might happen has always been fun for me. relationships are emotionally intense and great for character drama/interactions in general. and these ships only work if you soften izzy. like obviously. I think there are ways to do it that keep him more recognizable, but sometimes people just don't care.

to me, stizzy without steddyhands only works in some kind of au where neither of them know ed, and even then I think you should ask yourself why you are pairing them together and not gentlebeard. I think there are legitimately premises that you could explore with stizzy and not with gentlebeard. on the most basic levels there's the enemies-to-lovers thing, but there's also izzy's toxic masculinity/internalized homophobia issues. how would he deal with being in a relationship with his complete antithesis? how would this force him to confront his inner demons? how would stede react to these struggles? how would he try to help, and when would he get mad at izzy for being an asshole? you can write a story where getting together with stede forces ed to confront his inner demons, but the stizzy version of that and the gentlebeard version of that are not going to be the same story.

in the end, I think this comes down to a very basic disconnect (besides the racism and shitty tropes, and all that). in my mind there are two kinds of fanfiction: fanfiction that exists primarily to be in communication with its source text, and fanfiction that exists primarily to get an emotional response out of the audience (porn, hurt/comfort, angst, fluff, any emotion, basically). this isn't a one-or-the-other situation, but every fic and every writer thinks one of these is more important than the other. every fic favors one of those goals. and having the latter goal isn't a bad thing! most bad fics have the latter goal, but not every fic with the latter goal is a bad fic.

stizzy and steddyhands, as ships, do not exist primarily to be in communication with the source text. and if they are, that communication is usually opinions I don't like (izzy deserves to be a protagonist or some shit, yknow). these ships exist for porn, for hurt/comfort, for angst, for fluff, for creating a highly specific emotional experience for the author and readers. "well why are they even writing fanfiction then?"/"why don't they go find other characters who are closer to the dynamic they're writing" because they are attached to these characters and want them involved in these emotions, and because they are okay with their work being very different from the source material.

idk if this makes any sense lol. it's not exactly a defense or anything. it's definitely not a defense of people who think ed needs to be babysat, fuck those guys. I guess I just kinda wanted to give my perspective on why these ship interest me? I think a lot of y'all's posts on the subject come down to: "why would anyone like this? it wouldn't work in canon" and the canyon response to that is "well it does actually *some fucking bullshit, etc etc*" and my response to that is "I know, I'm fine with that, I just like the situations it opens up and I like the emotional catharsis I can experience from some of these fics, even tho they are 'bad fics' in that they are not in any sort of real communication with the source text." and you can think that's bad lol, like it does sound kinda bad when I write it out like that. but you can't get the specific flavors of emotional catharsis from fics from any other medium of art, generally speaking. not in the same way, not easily, and not in 2k words.

[dream-meister-translations]

DREAM MEISTER & THE RECOLLECTED BLACK FAIRY

OUTSIDE HOLIDAY - PART 5

━

Ancyra, The Land of Pirates - Day 3.

EMMA : Wow, this place is amazing!

ELMA : Heck yeah it is! Feels like a super-duper date spot, doesn't it?

Today, Elma and I, who were working part-time at an amusement park, were exploring the park before our shifts began to get a feel for the rides and attractions. 

EMMA : I wonder where Searle is working?

ELMA : Hmm~ Come to think of it...I forgot to ask. But, if we just keep walking around the park, I'm sure we'll bump into him at some point! He does stand out like a sore thumb after all!

STELLA : If we were to hide scouts on the premises, our best option might be the restaurant—On the other hand, if we were looking to invade, we should secure the souvenir shop first.

YAMANE : Hehehe. Ah, the ride known as the Merry-Go-Round will leave a memory to be cherished forever! It is truly sublime! Spinning, spinning, memories so beautiful! Each one pointing toward a Merry Bad Ending! Ah, I'm getting emotional!

EMMA : (Those two are as lively as ever...)

ELMA : Yo! Isn't that Daste over there?

EMMA : Oh, you're right. What do you think he's doing?

SCAR : Ah, it's Emma and Elma!!

DASTE : The hell're you two doin' here? Thought you said you were working.

EMMA : Yeah, we are. Technically. We're doing some reconnaissance and enjoying the amusement park for now. 

DASTE : Are you kidding me? That doesn't count as work! Anyway, I just came to check out this joint. I'd rather be somewhere quiet, but Scar got all hyped up so I decided to let him blow off some steam.

SCAR : There might not be anyone exciting to open up, but there are plenty of things I've never seen before, so it's fun!

DASTE : What's so fun about goin' on a ride and just spinning around in circles? Seems lame to me.

EMMA : (He says that, but his eyes are watching the rides closely. It seems like he's not entirely uninterested after all.)

SCAR : Oooh! What's that over there!?

DASTE : Geez, can you shut up!?

EMMA : That's the children's area I think.

ELMA : I heard they have a panda-themed ride in there. You can control the steering wheel! 

EMMA : You sure know a lot about this place, Elma. 

ELMA : Haha! Well, this amusement park is like super famous, you know? I always thought it would be fun to come here someday when I got a girlfriend~

EMMA : Is that so? And yet you wound up coming here because of work...

ELMA : Ah, don't worry about that! It makes me so happy I got to come here with you! Though...It would be a lot better if we came here and didn't have to work, huh?

EMMA : Hehe, yeah, you're right. Let's work hard at managing the guild and maybe we will get the chance to come back one day! 

ELMA : Ugh, it's gonna suck having to leave...

STELLA : Mistress.

EMMA : What's up, Stella? Did you finish mapping the area?

STELLA : That was done long ago. I just wanted to point out that I saw Searle over there.

BOY : Hey, can you tell me about this crab next professor!?

SEARLE : Sure~ I'd love to! This crab turns bright yellow on a night with a full moon, but—

ELMA : So this is where you've been, Sa-Kun! Is this some kinda sea creature exhibit?

EMMA : Did that kid just call you professor?

SEARLE : You two are here too~! Yay~!!

ELMA : Good to see you, Sa-Kun! What job are you doing?

SEARLE : I'm...Not realy sure...They just told me to hang around near the sea creatures. I feed the fish and teach visitors various things about them.

EMMA : So you're a tour guide? 

SEARLE : I guess so! Being called professor sounds so cool and makes me smile really big! And sometimes, I take the big turtles out for a walk~! Oh! Sorry, hold on a sec!

Searle rushed toward a young girl who was standing alone looking up at a large tree inside the amusement park. 

SEARLE : Hello there~ Are you lost?

GIRL : No, I'm not lost. It's just...My balloon flew away...

ELMA : It's stuck on one of the tree branches. Uh oh, that's a tricky spot! If we try to get it by shaking the tree, it'll probably fly right up into the sky.

SEARLE : Hmmm.....Ah! I got it~ I'll get it down for you. 

GIRL : Really?

SEARLE : Yep! I have a friend who is really good at coming up with plans!

STELLA : !!!

SEARLE : Hey, Stella. I want your help getting that balloon down.

STELLA : You are challenging the law of physics. I'm not a gymnast—

SEARLE : No, no~ I just want you to form the strategy, Stella. 

STELLA : Hmph. Such a foolish boy. In that case, leave it to me. 

━

STELLA : There you have it. The balloon was successfully retrieved. First off I calculated the position of the balloon, it was approximately 30 degrees from the terrace on the second floor of the restaurant—taking your jumping ability into account, the solution was obvious. 

Thanks to Stella's plan, Searle successfully jumped from the terrace to the balloon, retrieving it and returning it to the young girl. 

GIRL : Thank you, mister!

SEARLE : Yep! It's all thanks to my friend here~

GIRL : Then I should thank your friend too!

SEARLE : Don't worry, I'll make sure to tell them! Be careful not to lose it again~

STELLA : ........

EMMA : Hehe, Stella is amazing as always. 

STELLA : It's all just a matter of refining strategies. 

ELMA : Always so modest~

STELLA : Who's being modest!

SEARLE : Stella~! Just say "thank you"~!

STELLA : Hmph. Everything went according to plan.

[folkinsomnia]

thoughts on 1989 TV?

I've not yet actually listened to the whole thing because of life hectic-ness, namely foot surgery that has made fun things like Consuming Music I Love suck a lot. So I'm listening all the way through today while I do some scanning for work! This is gonna be a sort of "live react" stream of consciousness thing that I'll ideally edit before bombarding you with my Thoughts :-)

In general, everything sounds so much crisper and I am LIVING

I've always been kinda meh towards style aside from the last chorus, but there's something sooo much better about style tv!! Haven't listened to the OG 1989 in ages, so I'd need to compare to really explain it (and it might be obvious, but I'm not the greatest at remembering the little details from pre-reputation albums bc rep was my first as a a Fan™️)

Her matured and vastly improved vocals are to die for and have been throughout the ~taylor's version~ journey. MWAH!

OOTW is already a gorgeous song, but tv is, again, just so...!!!!!

AYHTDWS is already one of my favorites, so the rerecording has me EMOTIONAL it's so beautiful. Hold me I listened twice (which I consider a sin on full listen-throughs of albums, though I AM a horrid sinner, so)

I still hate shake it off, but this one's much better. Milder hate, more like distaste now, sort of like a mushy thing on the bottom of my shoe instead of the bottom of my sock

IWYW makes me sprint thru the streets at 5 AM even with my recently removed stitches owie

WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE HERE?? Do the drums sound better? Idk!

I know bad blood is considered cringey but listen. It's also so fun and the cringe makes us free. Maybe the harmonies on the chorus have more parts?? Gdi i need to do one to one comparisons with all of these. Already salivating over the Kendrick Lamar version at the end of the album I'm excited for him

It's official that 1989 tv has made me really like songs I've been ambivalent or mildly positive towards (like style and wildest dreams now), so that's like actually huge imo

Everything is so pretty! (I'm half asleep now help I'm at WORK)

I Know Places is one of those TS songs I rarely listen to and then I listen and am like "why the fuck aren't I listening to this one daily" and IKP tv has me feeling that More Intensely

Clean is yet another fave and clean tv makes my very soul tremor. Don't look at me for a week

Wonderland continues to be a fucking transcendental experience that electrocutes my spinal column <3 the bridge is even MORE earth-shattering than it was in the original. please see my original thoughts from 4.5 years ago

these feelings re: Wonderland still stand and always will

The first chord of YAIL kind of sounds like the first chord of Give Great Thanks by Dorian Electra lmao

Still not crazy about YAIL but the lyrics and the ****** lore...phew!

New Romantics tv is suuuch a good example of how gorgeous tayla's lower register has gotten. It's so much richer and I guess more well supported?

I've heard that Slut! is actually emotional af...not ready

"I might as well be a joke in love" HOO BOY I SEE NOW WHAT FOLKS HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT

"Got lovesick all over my bed" is SO !!!!!!

Okay yeah Slut! is so fucking good

Say Don't Go has me reeling. I can see why it didn't make the final cut (she is just a little too unlike her brethren to the point that, imo, she wouldn't fit well into the original album as well as the songs that made it do), but it's soooo ggoooooOOOD!!! It gives me almost like...cousin of 1989 and Lover and Midnights vibes?

Now That We Don't Talk...!!!! These vault songs fucking rule, dude.

The end of NTWDT 🤝 Mastermind??

The I broke my own heart 'cause you were too polite to do it ⏩️ I broke his heart 'cause he was nice pipeline and how it rejects the continuation of a cycle of passivity while simultaneously continuing the emotional burden carried by women in their relationships!! And also a cycle of cruelty! These are half-baked thoughts but they ARE thoughts I'm having!! An english degree was wasted on me because my textual analysis skills are still so juvenile,,

Is It Over Now Boo From Fleabag Moment

I WAS RIGHT THE KENDRICK LAMAR BAD BLOOD VERSION IS SO FUCKING AJGKDHAGXGBX AHHHHHH (dats me yellin)

[blueempty]

Bad news besties, the unbearable headaches I've been having throughout my poisoning situation went away when I drank caffine 😳

Listen. I know this is positive time, and I do not want to take away from positive time I will be positive I promise okay, but this week has been rough and today sucked really bad lol

I ended up going to work for a bit even though I dont feel fully recovered and I really wish I hadn't. Today kinda just turned into this confluence of negativity. I feel very disoriented as a result of sleeping for 4 days and driving makes me feel further from my fellow man than I already do. I genuinely dont understand what goes on in peoples minds. Then the pita place I trusted to not harm me was closed cuz sunday, which I always forget because I'm Vulcan pilled and days dont hold special meaning for me

After that was like, a couple of random things that made me feel really overlooked and unaccomplished which isn't normal for me. I dont typically care too much what people think but I guess I was primed to be upset. The specifics aren't really worth going into but its just like, I see people do something and everyone go wow thats awesome, and then I'm like, bro I have been doing that and no one gives a fuck when I do it. Even within my irl friend groups and back in my family when I still talked to any of my family I always felt this very pronounced sense of no one gives a shit what you're excited about dude. I start talking about something I like and everyone stares at the floor or their phones silently till I stop. But that doesn't happen when other people talk about things. I do not feel kinship with other humans, I feel very different and lost and confused and hungry and also incompatible with society

Its like in TNG when Data gives a time estimate and he only gives like days and hours or something and then stops, and everyone is confused. Riker goes no minutes seconds or milliseconds Mr. Data? And he turns around and goes "I have noticed a certain... annoyance with my level of specificity at times"

And in the same way, over time Ive just learned to talk less. Which isnt entirely bad cuz William Shakesman said brevity is the soul of wit I guess. I've also been noticing that when I'm alone I dont really emote much. Like I need other peoples vibes to mimic. Teacher give me the Autism test I swear I'll pass!!!!!!

ANYWAY negativity aside, I am still improving health wise. I'm spending more time sitting by the back door looking outside rather than being on my phone cuz text has been making me dizzy, and outside is nice right now. And once I got home from work I spent an hour-ish practicing the first world stages of Mario Wonder to get faster and remember 10 coin locations and that game makes me feel happy inside. That game is so perfect they literally thought of everything

Also my current Barony run is a Vampire Conjurer named Dracula Flow and thats going insanely well. Not gonna overexplain but one thing is that Vampires are weak to water and I found boots of water walking very early. I just need to stock up on blood and I'll be movin different

Live Long and Prosper

[variousqueerthings]

Yeah well I was you today, I was the Doctor. And apparently I was quite good at it

"Flatliners," an episode that I remembered nothing about prior to watching and think is... not so bad, actually. I feel like it needs another watch at some point, because honestly my brain hasn't been at its best and a lot of it happened without my taking notes. However we have a rating's system to help us!

sexism rank objectification (female character is ogled/harassed/turned into a sex joke by the doctor and/or a lead we’re supposed to root for and/or the camera): 9/10

sexism rank plot-point (lead female character is only there to serve plot, not to have her emotional interiority explored, or given agency to her emotional interiority): 5/10

interesting complex or pointlessly complex (does the complexity serve the narrative or does it just serve to be confusing as a stand-in for smart, this includes visually): 6/10

furthers character and/or lore and/or plot development (broader question that ties into the previous ones, at least two of these, ideally three should be fulfilled): 4/10

companion matters (the companion doesn’t always have to be there, but if the companion is there, can they function without the doctor– and overall per season how often is the companion the focus or POV of the story): 6/10

the doctor is more than just “godlike” (examines the doctor’s flaws and limitations, doesn’t solve a plot by having it revolve entirely around the doctor’s existence): 7/10

doesn’t look down on previous doctor who (by erasing or mocking its importance, by redoing and “bettering” previous beloved plotpoints or characters, etc.): 7/10

isn’t trying to insert hamfisted sexiness (m*ffat famously talked a lot about how dw should be sexier multiple times, he sucks at writing it): 10/10

internal world has consistency (characters have backgrounds, feel rooted in a place with other people, generally feel like they have Lives): 6/10

Politics (how conservative is the story): 8/10

FULL RATING: 68/100 (if I can count….)

the more I wrote about this episode, the more I quite liked it, in a "dependable with some flaws" kind of way. I'm surprised the last one is only a point lower, since this one hangs together far better for me on the whole, but hey, ratings are ratings and who knows what past me was thinking

and of course, this is the episode where the Doctor walks the Tiny Tardis Addams-Family-Thing style from the inside with his hand, like he's some kind of crab and the Tardis is his shell

OBJECTIFICATION: genuinely for the most part this season is pretty good on this front, a stark contrast from s5-7. Clara gets catcalled, but it does make sense and it's not egregious

PLOT-POINT: Soooo in this episode Clara gets to be the Doctor and I guess... makes the discovery that it's quite hard? It's another one of those "Clara learns something about the Doctor that makes her more forgiving of his worse qualities."

but really she's very kind throughout, very good to the people she's with, if still overly reliant on the Doctor for a lot of it, and the whole "now I have to lie!!! and tell people that it will be okay even though it won't!!!!! which is what you do!!!!" thing is not as deep a revelation as I think it wants to be?

kinda shrugged and went, yeah of course you tell people the best case scenario if you're in charge. that's just how things work?

I think this was its weakest point -- it's trying to say something about Clara and the Doctor, but not being quite coherent about it, and this has been a weakness the entire season. it's not that I can't see what's trying to be said, it's that I don't think it's being done well

that being said, if it gets us to an interesting point in their dynamic, I'm quite forgiving right now

COMPLEXITY: I was so sleepy. soooo sleepy. so I missed some things. 2D creatures from a 2D... dimension? anyway they come through and mess up some people and take their forms. I genuinely thought that there wouldn't be so many dead people in this one, I think because they're dead to begin with as A Christmas Carol says, but their impact isn't really felt so much?

it's a pretty tragic little episode, but I would have wanted it to be more grounded in that tragedy. to really see someone who perhaps believed that their family member might still be alive, learns that they aren't, and makes the decision to tell everyone else who is unsure (as an example), because they didn't "die" they "went missing"

that being said, it was quite fun. I liked the single-episode main character (Rigsy), and some of its little bits of subtext around him being this POV character, vs the community service guy

CHARACTERS/LORE/PLOT: Ehhh ok Clara "understood" what it was like to be the Doctor. (But not really)

also I think... ok I really really like Michelle Gomez as this character, but once again it's a character that's introduced a bit messily. we're constantly just shown insert shots of her at the end of episodes, and it's somewhat disjointed going from episode of the week to "oh yeah and this reminder of this being something at some point."

we also get Clara's lies being caught out by Danny, who is at this point I think officially Ill Used by his girlfriend, but I'm sure we'll get to that...

COMPANIONS MATTER: Clara does some heavy lifting here woo! especially at the end to get the Doctor back, I appreciate that that was her idea, and not just her plugged into the Doctor asking him what to do, which I think there was a bit too much of

“GODLIKE” DOCTOR: it's still a bit centred around the Doctor being this grand tragic awe-inspiring person that Clara is trying to understand but I do appreciate how much more unhinged that is getting. the more we move it along, the more Clara is herself revealed as someone who, honestly, is perhaps having too much fun with the idea of having the kind of power the Doctor has

I think there's some intention to that, although earlier episodes were far too messy about it, and I think the Doctor is done a disservice in order to make this point happen

PREVIOUS DOCTOR WHO: a small callback to a Fourth Doctor episode, but overall a solid standalone

“SEXINESS”: genuinely genuinely... we may be free... we may be free!!!!

INTERNAL WORLD: again, I wish we'd known a bit more about this place. I really really like grounded episodes, after having everything be up in the stars we go to a local estate that we recognise some version of, and follow some people who live there, and Rigsy was a great character for that

I also note that there are more main Black characters this season (and they're generally quite interesting, complex characters, like Rigsy and Blue and Saibra) than in the last three, not least of all Danny Pink, and I'm glad for that

but yeah, I wish there had been more that and then perhaps a simplification of the main story, which mainly consisted of running anyway. to make that last line from the Doctor really hit -- that some people who didn't deserve to die, did -- I would have liked to have understood what those people meant to their community/what that community was

POLITICS: Rigsy! misunderstood graffiti artisté! we get a wonderful line from the Doctor actually (who earlier called him Pudding Brain a few times, which... fine fine we're dealing with this Doctor being A Dick, but still... sigh)

"Your last painting was so good it saved the world, I can’t wait to see what you do next"! affirming a kid from the estate who clearly doesn't get support from the system in which he exists? we do love to see that

there's a bit around the idea of community service, but not much. on the whole though, it's Rigsy's point of view that makes it work for me, and the counter-view from the nasty community service guy, who is soooo explicitly an antagonist

FULL RATING: 68/100 (if I can count….)

Solid and Dependable, with some genuinely quite creepy scribble creature zombies that are just Malevolent

it could have done more in some places, but I think its core is not bad, and Rigsy is an underrated single-episode character

rushing towards the end! Three episodes left!

[thebreakfastgenie]

🍀 <3

🍀 - What thoughts or emotions that didn’t make sense to your past self make sense now that you know you’re queer?

Okay I'm sure I can think of more for this one.... I think I had kind of this sense of being different and not knowing why, but I had enough confidence it kind of turned into a superiority complex. Not being interested in boys and thinking dating was trivial was kind of normal and rewarded in my smart girl circles into middle school. We were independent! We had more important things to think about! And I don't think this is a bad attitude for young girls to have in our society, but sometimes it's something else. In high school, several of my friends didn't date, because honestly most of our school kinda sucked and we did in fact have a lot to do and not a lot of time. So I was able to ride that "I'm not interested in boys yet" wave longer than I should have, but it started to waver. When I was around 15 or 16 I was looking at rage comics people had made about their relationships and for the first time I thought "I actually like the idea of being someone's girlfriend" and then I immediately thought "of course I don't want a boyfriend, though." It took a very long time after to that to figure out what I actually wanted in that situation which is very funny. When I was younger, I always felt totally out of the loop when girl talked about their Disney channel and boy band crushes. I just didn't get what they were so excited about. When I was in about 6th grade (give or take; my grade was an unknown quantity for years) our teacher had us do this game for Valentine's Day where we named a celebrity we'd like to get a Valentine from. I like that teacher a lot and she had good intentions but looking back... Valentines at that age are at least quasi-romantic and that's a whole can of worms. I said Chessie the manatee, tapping into my romance hater reputation, and it's not like I thought of a girl and was afraid to say it. But still, I think I remember that because I was gay. The only other kid's dream Valentine I can remember was a boy said Taylor Swift (she had just become known; I think this was the first time I heard her name) "because she's hot" and the teacher cautioned him. I was really paranoid about coming across as romantically interested, both in girls and in boys. I panicked when I accidentally sent a girl a kissy emoji on yahoo chat when I was 13ish. I had a weird friendship of sorts with a boy in middle school where we couldn't admit we wanted to be friends, so we "hated" each other and attacked each other in various harmless ways. I cut him off without explanation because people kept relentlessly saying we were flirting and calling us lovebirds and it freaked me out. Later I did have boys I was friends with develop feelings for me and interpret my friendship wrong, so that one wasn't totally irrational. One I've been thinking about a lot recently is I was always drawn to tomboy characters. The girls who hated all things girly and wore dirty jeans and backwards ball caps and only played with boys. I adored Leslie Burke in Bridge to Terabithia because Jess couldn't even tell if she was a boy or a girl at first. There was a part of me that related to these tomboys. I was not a girly-girl. I was brash and outdoorsy. But I was in-between. I had long hair and I liked pretty things and dolls and pink. I did relate a lot to the girls who passed as boys in historical fiction, but that was because their options were pretend to be boys or not be allowed to do anything. I thought I'd do that if I lived in that setting, but I'd prefer to just have adventures while being a girl. I guess I always admired tomboys, but I think a lot of it was also attraction, in whatever way kids experience it. I still like jock women, so.

[gon-and-killuas-mother]

i can't find the read more button on mobile so heads up, i'm rambling about sad personal things

i don't know why i keep getting surprised when Graham talks about the girl he's interested in. like. he very clearly told me he doesn't feel the same way for me as i do for him, and i've tried to accept that

except. a small part of me refuses. every time i remember his "I don't feel the same way" that part screams "YES YOU DO"

i think, in my defense, there have been some mixed messages. i highly doubt he did so intentionally, but it's been months of spending 75% of my time with him, and him showing genuine interest in whatever i was talking about, and giving me gifts bc that's how shows affection (it just happened to be my primary love language) and him always making sure i was fed regardless of my dietary restrictions, so of course i fell for him. how could i not??

the mixed messages though came after the gentle rejection, when he wanted to play Monster Prom, a multiplayer DATING SIM, on VALENTINE'S DAY. where we read the lines to each other, many of which were sappy.

so i don't think i can be faulted for letting a little hope back in, even though i tried to keep it down and contained.

still sucks to be hanging out with him and then asked to leave bc he has plans to watch a show over discord with the Other Girl, we'll call her Catie

i'd had the small and dangerous thought that Catie wouldn't be romantically interested in him. they've been friends for ten years, and she hadn't shown any interest before. but he believes he might have a chance now that she's single again and has moved back in town.

even before this whole Feelings for Boy started, and before i realized he was into Catie, she'd always made me a little uncomfortable. i had no reason to dislike her! and many people i trust have said she's an amazing person. but something about her unsettled me and idk if i can figure that one out

except for when she was kinda hitting on me??? in front of Graham??? like touching me and pressing up against me and whatnot. and Graham apparently didn't think anything of it, so maybe she's just like that. i am as opposite of physically affectionate as possible so that probably made a weird situation even weirder.

i'm rambling now. but i'm really frustrated that i will likely have to deal with the emotional sucker punches whenever he talks about Catie. idk if i can. i broke down last night after getting booted for her, how am i gonna handle it if they actually start dating??

how much of this can i tell him? if i have to take time and space away from him just to be able to move on, can i at least tell him how much he means to me? how cared for he made me feel?

i'm also just. frustrated bc i know he's one-of-a-kind. there's other guys in the world that could love me, yes, but what's the likelihood i'm gonna find another sweetheart who cooks for me and gives me gifts and shares hyperfixations with me???

sigh

i'll move on, eventually. it's not gonna hurt as bad one day. i'm just. tired of being the runner-up i guess

[jocopain]

#2 2/10/25

So, I'm making sure that I hold myself accountable to try and at least write something on here once a day. It may not have to be every day but I wanna try. Today was a pretty decent day. Mostly the struggles are the thoughts that I conjure up in my head that seem to manifest into reality. Or that's what my mind tries to fool me into believing. What I mean by that is I always feel like people are out to get me. They judge me before they even try to get to know me. I'll admit I might be manifesting that because sometimes I think of how much people annoy me. This wasn't always true and after all the things I've been through, I'm kinda just over people I guess. Every time I have a conversation with someone even if it's small talk, I keep thinking in my head how I wish it would just end and the person would just shut up. I feel like I really am emo and that's pretty much the only thing about me that has stayed consistent throughout my life. I barely feel emotion most of the time. Of course, I still laugh and get happy at times, but it feels a little forced. I stay calm and reserved most of the time. One thing that really annoys me is that I have a resting bitch face. People always assume that I'm going to be some mean asshole. I get told all the time that I look like I'm annoyed or angry and I think people are scared to talk to me. That really bothers me because it makes me feel like some sort of monster. I may not want to talk or be around people all the time but that doesn't make me a bad person. I also think that maybe it's the way I sound when I talk. Whatever the reason may be, if it's my face or if it's the tone of my voice, neither of those should matter. If people want to make an assumption about me without trying to peel back the layers then that's their problem, not mine. I shouldn't have to hate myself just because someone doesn't like me. It just sucks sometimes because people will go out of their way to be mean to me. But not everyone is bad to me, it's just hard for me to realize and accept that. I know I have a decent heart and I try to be the best person that I can be. That's all that truly matters. Despite all that today was a pretty good day. I'm so thankful for the job that I have right now and I'm so blessed for everything that I have in my life. Things have gotten better and I should be proud of myself for how far I've come.