#guard to guard probably isn't too hard a transition

[carrion-art]

force-sensitive clones might not be able to serve openly, but the order has a place and a home for them nonetheless

[ultraviolet-cello]

Good afternoon everyone, late analysis/detail watch for @tristampparty today! Had a busy day and I am ready to chill out by being so so normal about Trigun ^_^

Spoilers for Trigun Stampede and Trimax, CW for me discussing/theorizing abt Vash's injuries + discussion of harm coming to children specifically!

Roberto is my old man blorbo (he is not that old) and I essayed Hard about him today, good luck reading!

So when I originally watched this episode when I saw the tower I was like oh flying saucer haha!

and then it is a flying saucer. I hate that (/j)

the bugs under the rock when I lift it up:

On a more serious note I do like the transition from Wolfwood getting REALLY jumpy (to the point of like. Punching Vash for sneezing. babygirl there are better ways to cope with bringing the man you adore to what is probably his doo- actually there probably isn't, he's on his own) to them working extremely in sync to try and get away from the guards - even in the two months that they've been traveling together they've developed that back to back fighting style. It's very sweet, and I think that aspect of them is heavily emphasized in 98 actually, episode 9 when Wolfwood first appears. I really do miss that episode's story, I think it's my favourite standalone plot :]

Again take this with a grain of salt because my subtitles are Janky, but this line hits me real hard [Where Vash is telling Wolfwood not to shoot at the July guards]. They're at July, this is where Wolfwood needs to hand Vash over despite all his inner conflict; but he values the orphanage, it's so important to him. Would the morally righteous thing to do be trying to fight alongside Vash out of this? Possibly. But the risk is too great; It's not the time to be a saint.

Both of their expressions here - Wolfwood stepping back then forward to try and push Vash out the way, or block the bullet, and Vash just slowly lowering his arms with that real haunted look.

Studio Orange once again knocking it out of the PARK with their facial expressions

[Purging the Vashwood from my system for just a moment] He really does just. Grab him around the waist huh. He doesn't try to spin Vash around to assess the damage, or immediately drag him away, but most importantly he doesn't shoot back. Not after Vash asked him to.

Why's this bitch not clean his table!!! The hell!!! Unsanitary. Or... Or someone was just there. Not sure what's worse at that point. It's also that the shape of that cross is also to accommodate children

[Tucking these screenshots into my purse for safekeeping] [Also CWing this section for a little bit of injury discussion] Most of the injuries here aren't necessarily the scars that Trimax and 98 Vash have, which makes me wonder if he's going to get more post-July. In any case, a lot of these look like failed/only partial skin grafts or wounds that required skin grafts but did not get it [Just trust me on that, don't look it up if you can't stomach gore].

I wonder if Vash can't receive skin grafts due to the sheer amount of scarring/can't receive any donated grafts due to differences in biology, or if he's just... not been able to get them healed. Some of it appears to be patched up with metal, but the rest of it.... Mm.

Anyway!

I think it's very telling that the thing that Roberto starts really speaking up on is challenging Conrad on his treatment of orphans and disadvantaged people. Roberto's a reporter, so of course he's going to have seen how powerful people often use the marginalized as their playthings; and Roberto does have a pretttty good moral code when it comes to it. Time and time again he's chosen to help Meryl instead of preserve his own life.

And now he's actively taking Meryl's side, challenging Conrad, sticking up for people, which. One of the first hints of Roberto that we got that wasn't him being so gruff was his defense of Vash (who was getting the shit beaten out of him) in the very first episode.

I've talked at length abt how children are. Kind of the most precious thing to most people on Gunsmoke/NML - so many of the individual stories revolve around parents and children, brothers, siblings, Wolfwood and Hopeland, Legato sparing all the children in that village in 98, Elendira leaving a gaggle of children alive to bury Livio in Trimax. I particularly remember a scene in Trimax volume 14, chapter 3, when the feathers are falling and a young girl has lost her mother, but these big rough and tough men guide her back. I think that's kind of the essence of what Roberto represents to me.

The average person on that planet is rough, traumatized, probably knows how to shoot, they kill each other, they rob, they steal. And yet when it comes down to a little girl crying in the crowd, they will guide her back to her mother. Noman's Land is made up of families; they hurt each other and they commit atrocities, but at the end of the day, that was someone's child, and people try to respect it.

Roberto has a bit of a stronger ethical streak, but he's really kinda hostile to Conrad in this scene (GET HIS ASS ROBERTO WOOO!!!) and I think when he saw children involved that really signaled part of it to him.

It's also that Roberto has developed as a character, being more open and trusting of Meryl, but I also just. The family thing gets me every time (I think it's because I work with children and am a huge advocate for said children, but. yaknow)

[Pointing at him] I love this guy!!! I miss him!!! I really really thought I was gonna hate him but every rewatch i get sadder that he's gone!!!!!

Also he calls out Conrad on being non-empathetic towards, well experimenting on children which is yeah!!! shit!!! Roberto shuts him down like 3 times!! "What matters is how you feel with these children in front of you" GET! HIS! ASS!

Roberto has progressed so so much, with his ability to actually insert himself into situations according to his opinions and ethics, with his relationship to Meryl becoming softer, and then he's just,,, Gone, soon.

On a lighter note, tf you mean Elendira's powers are equivalent to a supply door Conrad she can kill a man!!! I spose a supply door can also kill a man but like. I wonder if she's gonna get. Bigger nails. More powers in the future.

Also a nice parallel of how Roberto kept dragging Meryl back and flinging her away from danger, but now he's grabbed her and is carrying her with him - it feels different. He really really does care about her and it's so evident in these last couple of episodes.

Also Meryl is just pick up-able what can I say.

Roberto being shocked at his ability to deflect Elendira's nails just feels kinda cruel. Man's been spending the entire anime facing horrors beyond his comprehension and he just figured out he can fight against this one, but in the end she's the one who gets him.

Also I talked about Roberto being really standoffish when he realizes children are being harmed? Uh, that's probably what gets him killed. If he'd have shot Elendira here, there is a decent chance he would have lived; if he hadn't hesitated the several times he did, he wouldn't be so rattled. That's... Painful.

"That was close" I hate everyone here [/j]

Not an unpopular opinion, but I'm not a super fan of what they did to Elendira. I'm of the opinion of her character divorced from her Trimax counterpart is really really interesting, but I have to treat her like an entirely different character, so we'll be moving on with that in mind.

So Elendira's been like this for what, twenty years at least? That doesn't seem to line up with how Plants age - Vash and Knives take like 5 years to look like they're fifteen, and. I hope we all know that humans typically take 18-20 years to reach adulthood lmao.

My three theories on why she hasn't aged is that

A) Whichever Plant cells (Probably Tesla's) that they used on her is inhibiting her growth, disallowing her from progressing past a certain point. Perhaps if she ages more something... Bad will happen to her body. Sub-idea, if it is Tesla's cells, they might not be letting her age past the point Tesla was when she died. Which is a little horrific actually.

B) Conrad and/or Knives are the ones not allowing her to grow, for some reason. I don't really have any ideas of what.

But it seems to me that she is somewhat inverse to Wolfwood; she's been living for at least twenty years, trapped in the mind and body of a child. She speaks with the cadence and articulation of an adult most of the time, but her body's pain tolerance and her subsequent reactions are that of an undeveloped mind/body.

That or she just doesn't wanna go through puberty because she's already trans and just doesn't wanna deal with that shit (valid) but, yaknow. I am a very big supporter of "Let Studio Orange cook, they've done pretty good so far!" but Elendira and Razlo are the two I am. Most scared of seeing how they turn out lmao, and even with Razlo I do have some hopes. But Elendira,,, man. I dunno.

Hooo boy. Okay. I'm ready to talk about Roberto again now. I've been talking about how he recently seems to have softened his demeanor specifically towards Meryl, bringing out a lot of that joking tone, but here is particularly on display.

He tells Meryl that it's okay to run away sometimes and that really really. Got to me. Like he wants her to live. He wants her to do whatever she thinks is right, and he wants her to live, and he is going to do what he can in his dying moments to make that better for her.

I miss him :(

I also wonder if he had anything outside of his job. Friends? Family? A partner? Or was he mostly obliterated along with most of July, kept only in memory by his, now Meryl's, derringer?

Also Vash does Not know that Roberto is dead and if he asks about him post-rejoining the gang in season 2 I'll start screaming.

Oh Knives is here! Yippee!!

So uh. The thing with him saying this is, like a Lot of things Knives does/says in Tristamp, is rooted in truth to some degree.

Like uh. Yeah. That is kind of the basis for a Major part of Vash's personality, the guilt complex of Knives shifting the burden and (honestly projecting a lot of his own guilt probably) onto Vash. But to attribute All of Vash's character to just that is disservice, and horrible for Vash to hear.

The thing about Vash is that he tries. He tries so so hard to make things right, even despite the harm that comes to him and the grief and pain of how he lives his life. Even if it were just his guilt, that is still 150 or so years of healing plants, helping children, going from town to town to do what good he can.

Love, in that case, is not inherent, but created. It's hard to just unconditionally love something just because it's in your life, but if you work at it, dedicate yourself, put in the effort, do so much good, then is that not love in itself? Does it really matter the basis if you love, regardless?

Where it becomes a problem with Vash, is when he refuses to kind of,,, accept that he worked for it instead of just having that love inherent to him, because he's so desperate to hold that guilt complex, that "I'm a bad person" close to him

I dunno, I'm autistic, so maybe I have a strange reading of this because I personally have had to work towards the things I hold dear to me, but it's,,, definitely a facet of Vash, to me.

I Do Not Like This Photograph. In Trimax, it seems they took Tesla and Immediately began experimenting on her - Some arguments over ethics with Rem, yeah, but overall the dissenters were overruled. But why have this picture? Tesla is clearly not a baby in this image. Did she have more contact and interactions with the scientists?

The cruelty in Tesla's story, at least in my view, is that she never got to be a character. Her agency was stripped from her by scientists, by death, and then by Knives. We don't know shit about her - did she die cursing all of humanity? Would she have agreed with Knives, that the pain inflicted on her was an example of the great atrocity of humanity? Or would she have decided people can grow and change, that she just got a bad lot, that people are messy and complicated but ultimately capable of love? Did she see Rem, and wonder if she knew humanity better than Tesla did?

We just don't know - will never know - and that's why Knives using her as an excuse for his actions is particularly egregious. Did her death traumatize him and irreparably damage his trust of humans, sending him down a spiral he was too unlucky to fight his way out of? Yes. Does that make it justifiable to try and commit a genocide under her name, assuming she would have wanted that even if there's a possibility she didn't? ....Definitely not.

millions-dykes referred to Conrad as looking "DILFy" in this scene and if I have to suffer that, so do you. sorry

There's a couple of bits of language in that ending scene that I find particularly uh. Interesting (derogatory) (deeply interesting and analysis-worthy), but I'll be saving those for next episode so I'll pop them in there :]

Today was a hell of an essay! Thanks for reading as always, I'm so >:3 about all the fun comments and ideas ppl have added on.

[cosmicobubisi]

Cosmic's Malleyuu Whump vs Flufftober: Day 29

FATIGUE labyrinth | burnout | "who said you could rest?" / Time Capsule

Inspired by @ventique18's "For you, my love, anything."

TW: Mentions of torture

At this point, the shakes, the nausea, and the pounding, bleating headaches were just the extra sparkle that elevated Yuu's current existence from "kinda sucky" to "super hell".

They couldn't even remember an existence without them anymore. They were as much thorns in their side as the crutches they lay upon, when their broken, beaten body had well and truly run out of energy,

Yuu could be sleeping right now, but they'd be trading a bit of momentary comfort for a world of pain later. This, and all the other reasons listed above, where why they were considering a truly out-of-character move.

Crowley, or Raverne, or whoever he was, lay a few paces in front of Yuu, slumped over at his desk in a rare concession to his mortal body.

It probably hadn't been a willing concession. He only slept when he passed out, and only ate or drank for the same reason.

Yuu wasn't afforded such luxury. They could pass out and be pinched, slapped, or burned awake, forced to go on until they could not be roused.

If their mind were clearer, they'd wonder what the point of this all was was. While a little motivation was good, a little starvation nothing in the face of rescuing one's family, surely constantly staying this close to illness or death was less productive than just working regular hours and taking breaks.

But the only thing that occupied Yuu's thoughts nowadays was the all-consuming urge to murder the man before them.

It wouldn't be easy. They didn't have many tools that wouldn't be far too heavy to kill with in this prison of a temporal pocket dimension. All they really had was some sharp pencils, but right now, that sounded like more than enough.

They stood, head swimming and knees turning into water. The transition from standing to sitting had become all the more difficult with their lack of nourishment, and Yuu had to fight not to stumble into their own chair, lest they make some loud noise and spoil their plan.

Once they'd caught their breath, Yuu's eyes focused again on the form slouched over the desk. His desk was messy, as usual, and Yuu hoped that the bright light and awkward angle of his neck caused his cheek to dig in hard to the pushpins almost certainly scattered on his desk.

Yuu reached over to grab a pencil, then went back for six more.

They raised them over his back, and grit their teeth as they jammed the pencils into his neck.

Yuu had underestimated just how weak they'd become, however, because as the points of the pencils hit flesh, the strength of their grip faltered, allowing most of the pencils to clatter to the floor.

One managed to stab decently deep, though it didn't draw blood. What it did end up doing, however, was waking Crowley with a fright.

He shot up and swung his arms out, and Yuu took a large step away before he hit them.

Shaking off sleep, he looked at them groggily, but before his eyes could fill with his usual rage, Yuu tackled him in their own anger.

They managed to catch him off-guard enough that they were able to roll over onto him, crushing his lungs with their weight.

"You have to stop this," they croaked out, voice breaking with fury and exhaustion. "This isn't working anymore."

"Get off of me!" he grit out, punching their arms with his flails.

Yuu picked up his head and slammed it back onto the glossy floor- not hard, and not far, but the gesture was still meant to literally knock some sense into him.

For a moment, everything was silent, save for the roar in Yuu's ears.

Had they done it? Had they actually gotten through to him?

Before they knew it, Yuu was on their back, seeing stars in the bright lights up above.

"I didn't say you could rest," he hissed, nearly spitting at them "Who said you could rest? Because that certainly wasn't me."

He picked them up by the neck and dragged them to a familiar door.

"Come out when you've got a new idea," he spat, and they were thrown into the labyrinthine storage closet without another word.

His strength hadn't left him, Yuu thought as they crashed into a rack of shelves, holding any matter of knickknacks collected over the years.

Yuu could hardly pick themselves off the floor, scattered on the tile like spilled marbles. They sobbed, loud and ugly into the darkness, not bothering to muffle their sobs anymore.

When Yuu had agreed to help Crowley, after the mirror expedition had gone so wrong, things hadn't been like this. He always forged ahead, like he knew better than they did, but they were a team.

Yuu thought they'd seen something in that man. Behind his scatterbrained facade had been a man destroyed by the horrors of war, and they thought, with enough digging, they could rediscover the man who'd been lost.

That man was buried too deep in the ground for Yuu to uncover, however, at least if they were alone.

This place was torturing him- a place for Crowley to live in an echo chamber of his worst mistakes and most brutal failings.

No wonder he was so messed up here. That kind of thing would drive anyone mad.

Scrubbing their hand over their face as the sobs subsided, they tried to remember they weren't alone. Malleus was out there, somewhere, and he at least had his mother so he was not alone.

Yuu's eyes opened, and in the darkness, they saw something gleam.

In loopy script were the words, "To Meleanor, from Raverne" on a box, and Yuu opened it, curious about its contents.

Inside was a number of objects Yuu barely understood. A letter, with script too dense for Yuu to read, a box with earrings in it, a pressed flower, a stained napkin, a small portrait of someone that could have been anyone, and a folded-up note, with a necklace wrapped up in it.

Yuu didn't know what they were staring at, and for a few moments, their brain struggled to process that it was an object of great significance anyway.

Feeling every joint in their body protest, Yuu returned all of the objects save one to the box and stood up, stumbling out of the closet.

"Hey," they shouted, getting his attention, holding up the necklace and the writings of a spell. "Does this mean anything to you?"

[repo-net]

How do you think Nagisa would react if the other warriors were the mastermind instead of Monaca

Oooh, that's a fun question. Thanks for submitting it, anon!

I'm going to assume that you mean if any of three other WoH had Monaca's ideals and goals rather than the pickle herself? I've actually never given this one much thought until you submitted it, but I'm always down to explore/give my own take on Nagisa's relationships with the other three kiddos.

To generalize the points I'll make, I think the one thing that'll stick with Nagisa finding out that Masaru/Jataro/Kotoko was pulling the strings is that he'd be able to stand his ground much, much better than how he took it when Monaca revealed her true motives, and he'd likely be able to keep himself composed; at least until the matter of expectations gets brought up.

Although Nagisa loves those three dearly and would put himself in danger before letting any of them get harmed, Monaca was a special attachment that he had. I've said this in previous posts, but I do think Nagisa's kind of had a hunch that there's something wrong with Monaca, and one reason why becoming leader meant so much to him is that maybe with that authority he can convince her to get to a paradise without like, committing a full-blown genocide.

I'll surrender that It's a little hard to imagine the three of them actually having it in them to lead something as diabolical as Monaca's plans, but maybe my imagination just isn't wild enough, eheh.

For the sake of storytelling, I think how this would play out in terms of the other Warriors getting sic'ed would be:

Chapters 1-2 are occupied by the two from Masaru/Jataro/Kotoko that aren't the mastermind, while Nagisa takes the lead in Chapter 3 and tries to deal with Komaru and Toko before realizing that he can't beat them, so Chapter 4 starts off with him as usual - trying to get both of them to leave Towa City before the eventual confrontation with one of the three other WoH being the mastermind. As for where Monaca would fit into all this, uhh. No clue. But she isn't really an important factor in this post.

Individually though, Nagisa's reactions to the three other Warriors being masterminds...

Masaru

More than anything, he's actually shocked. Masaru being the one is what would take him off guard the most. While Monaca broke him; it was because he repressed/denied the possibility because he wanted to believe he could trust her. This is an option he never accounted for, and it's because Nagisa thinks Masaru would be too much of a dunce to pull something like this off.

The initial reaction would be something akin to dismissal, before realizing 'oh shit, he's actually serious?'. That's when the anger kicks in. Not so much fear, but just pure vexation at the fact that he of all people thought that something as insane as creating a second Junko would be a good idea.

Nagisa'll threaten Masaru that he'll tell on Monaca, but Masaru at this point likely doesn't care. This version of Masaru likely rules through power and would probably just bullrush through his enemies to get his way. I could honestly believe in the idea that he'd be cruel enough to show Komaru her parents' corpses in a similar fashion to how the pickle did it. (Actually, all three of them should be able to...)

This Nagisa would probably want to throw hands with Masaru because his opinion on Masaru already isn't the greatest and he gets annoyed by him pretty easily; but having a reason to go from 'well he's kind of annoying but he's still a good friend to me' to actually hating him - it's a transition that gives Nagisa motivation to actually fight back. Though he'll probably realize soon enough that trying to hurt a P.E kid when the one thing you flunked in school is P.E would be a terrible idea...

Though self-doubt issues would surface, Nagisa would find it easier to deny Masaru's taunts and telling him that nobody expects anything from him in comparison to being told the same ideas by Monaca. This version of Nagisa likely makes it past Chapter 4 because he runs off to Monaca. Kotoko and Jataro are absent here, so Monaca and Nagisa would probably alarm Tokomaru about what's about to go down.

Jataro

"He was always kind of strange, but to think that this is what he had in mind all along...?" - That's what would settle in. Unlike with Masaru's reveal, Jataro's would make Nagisa put things into perspective for a bit as he realizes that maybe all those gross things Jataro told him were his actual thoughts and not just ways to get Nagisa to hate him.

Heck, I think he'd genuinely be wondering at first if this is just another one of Jataro's ways to get Nagisa to hate him, because Nagisa's aware enough to realize that Jataro might think Nagisa doesn't hate him unlike the other Warriors because he's been far more patient with him and doesn't pick on Jataro.

This one would have a much softer Nagisa - he'd ask if any of the other Warriors have been going overboard with their teasing/bullying and that's what's making Jataro act out like this. Even when he's already showing himself off to be evil, Nagisa would still be concerned for mask boy's well-being.

(Actually, that could be a motive for why a MM!Jataro would want to pursue a second gen Junko, no? Maybe because Junko was the only one who seemed to care for him/give him what he really wants, and now Jataro wants to have something akin to that now that Junko's gone.)

Eventually, Nagisa'll realize that Jataro's a lost cause and he'll turn his back on him. With Masaru and Kotoko absent from the Warriors here; he again tells on Monaca - but as strange as it may sound, I think Jataro would be much more eager to go after Nagisa and make sure he doesn't ruin his plans than Masaru. Nagisa still seeming to harbor some sort of pity instead of hatred towards Jataro would push the latter over the edge and he might just finish the job himself. Though of course, all of this is just speculation on my end.

Kotoko

All the masks finally come off here. And out of all three - Nagisa would be pretty quick to believe in the idea that Kotoko was puppeting the strings all along. This is less because of an inherent bias against her, thinking that she's always been evil; but rather that if anyone had the capacity to be so violently cruel, it'd be the one who's been an actress since she was born.

I feel as though the sequence of events that would play out are pretty similar to how it goes down with Monaca, and that's because Kotoko would know how to push all the buttons to set Nagisa off, and she already has the attitude/malice to pull it off if she were a much darker character than her canon self.

Since Kotoko knows how to push Nagisa over the edge and break him like Monaca did in canon; Nagisa's reaction here mirrors how he is in UDG proper - utterly defeated, but this time it's because Kotoko would taunt him, telling him that nobody would ever believe him if he tried to snitch on her, because who would trust the smart, calculating Nagisa over sweet, innocent Kotoko, right?

She'd also be able to lure Nagisa into doing her bidding in a similar fashion to Nagisa's - Nagisa doesn't have it in him to hurt Kotoko and she's fully aware of Monaca's crush on Nagisa; but instead of childishly teasing him over it, it's using it against him - maybe something along the lines of threating to harm Monaca if Nagisa tries to tell her/betray Kotoko.

Because of that, Nagisa's fate here is likely the same as it is in UDG. Gets 'crushed' by a robot at the end, never to be seen again.

[beautifulsnake2162020]

We have it all (Hualian adopted daughter fanfic) Chapter 6

Disclaimer: This is a work of fanfiction. I only do this for fun.

Premise: Not long after comforting a bullied girl named Meng Ai, Hua Cheng and Xie Lian find themselves adopting her and together they form a family they didn't know they had needed for awhile.

Story/Genre tags: Slice of life-ish (mainly), Family focused, Hua Cheng's houses finally become homes, there may be an overarching story but that's not the focus, Hualian being parents, Fengqing being uncles, Lang Qianqiu falling in love with someone who was raised by the Xianle squad, technically post-canon (though I haven't read the books so if there are some ooc moments please forgive me).

AO3 Link

Chapter 1, Chapter 2 , Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5

Follower tags: @anonimgato1507

AN: This might be my last chapter for awhile since my midterms will start at the end of September. But this isn't the last chapter of the story. Updates are just going to slow down for awhile (because I want to graduate already). Chapter 7 and 8 are already in the works. So I made this chapter extra long to make up for the more delayed updates.

Chapter 6

"Now you know all you need to know. Please, I don't care if I have become despicable in your eyes. Meng Ai doesn't deserve to live in fear as the consequence of my sins and the delusions of my family." He stands up to briefly relieve himself leaving them alone in the room to discuss.

"Hmm."

"What are you thinking?"

"With all things considered I would like to adopt her..."

"But?"

"But I wonder if Xiao-Ai will even like it?" Xie Lian couldn't hide his worries even if he wanted to.

"What if she thinks we are taking her away from her parents?" He sighs as he leans into his seat.

"Gege." Hua Cheng says gently with reassurance as he puts his hand on Xie Lian's.

"Do you want to adopt her?" Xie Lian now looking into Hua Cheng's eyes could feel his love no matter what choice he makes. He also knew that Hua Cheng already knows the answer. But hearing him tell him was also his way of making whatever his decision was become real.

"Yes, I do." Hua Cheng smiles as he now holds both hands both of Xie Lian's hands in his.

"But what if she doesn't want to be adopted by us?" Hua Cheng thinks a bit before finally speaking.

"The four of us will have to be honest with her. That way the transition from one set of parents to another won't be as difficult. At least she'll know from the start that we are doing this because we care about her." Xie Lian smiles.

"You too?" Hua Cheng lets out a small chuckle.

"She's a little hard to resist." Not long after they hear a commotion outside.

"Will she be safe here?" They hear Ji Huifan ask someone, the concern in his voice was evident.

"I've already summoned some of my best soldiers to come and be discreet while guarding Xiwangmu's temple." Mu Qing's voice reverberated throughout the halls of the temple. The couple shared a look. No words needed to be said with what they've just learnt.

If Mu Qing was here then that could only mean that Meng Ai was in danger and was targeted while she was staying in Puqi shrine. And so he brought her here to keep her safe. Feng Xin was probably still in Puqi dealing with what's left of the threat that remained. From the brief time they've had with Ji Huifan the "she" in question must either be Jing Mei or Meng Ai.

They later learn it was both.

By the time everyone assembled in the room they were in while soldiers from both Mu Qing and Feng Xin were discreetly guarding the temple, they already knew deep in their hearts that they were going to adopt her.

It was more of a question of how to make the transition easier for her.

______________________________________________________________

"Where's Fu Yao and Nan Feng?" Meng Ai asks as Jing Mei places her favorite breakfast congee on front of her. Her favorite part of it was of course the hard boiled tea eggs, there were three slices of egg halves today. That was generous of her mother Meng Ai thought since normally she would be lucky to get two.

"They are taking care of something that their Gods ordered them to do. Don't worry you'll be able to see them soon." Xie Lian says reassuredly as he takes his place beside Hua Cheng. While Jing Mei was a patient woman, teaching Xie Lian how to cook actually palatable food was not a one day affair. After almost setting the kitchen on fire she quickly ordered one of the chefs to let him out and told him that they'll try again some other time.

"Aiai, there's something your mother and I have to tell you." Hearing the seriousness of Ji Huifan Hua Cheng discreetly orders for all other servants except for Yin Yu to leave. Yin Yu was needed since he was in charge of Paradise Manor's security.

"What is it?" Jing Mei takes a seat across Meng Ai, not wanting to do this but at the same time understanding why Xie Lian and Hua Cheng wanted for her to know.

"Do you remember when we were still moving from place to place before we lived in Hu village?" Meng Ai nods.

"Was it because of bad people almost kidnapping me on the last village?" Jing Mei nods while in her periphery she could see Hua Cheng raise an eye brow and Xie Lian's look of concern.

"Yes, well those people are after you and your father and I are doing everything we can to protect you."

"I know mama." Jing Mei smiles sadly as she takes a breath before continuing.

"Do you remember why I don't tell you my visions?"

"Because if you tell the ones in your visions what you saw things might change so much."

"Yes...that's right." Meng Ai takes a guess to help ease Jing Mei's burden.

"Did you see a vision about me mama?" Jin Mei's eyes begin to water but forces herself to hold them back for now.

"Yes, a very horrible one. I saw it after I gave birth to you. So your father and I prayed to Xiwangmu what we could do to keep you safe and live a life to the fullest."

"What did Xiwangmu say?" She asks as she turns to her father.

"She said that as long as you have one parent who is alive and one who is dead, then you will be safe from those who have been chasing us and live a full life." Meng Ai's widen in shock.

"But I don't want either of you to die!"

"Aiai, we know." Ji Huifan says as he embraces her.

"Do you remember when a pretty woman with the suanpan that you liked visited us in the last village before Hu village?" Meng Ai nods and makes a guess.

"Is she Xiwangmu?"

"Not exactly. But she's related to her." Jing Mei says as she stands up from her seat and puts herself on front of Meng Ai.

"We've been praying to Xiwangmu to find another way to save you. And the pretty lady with the suanpan was sent by Xiwangmu to clarify that being a parent does not mean they have to be related to you by blood." This time Meng Ai's eyes widened in realization as she turned toward Hua Cheng and Xie Lian for the first time since the conversation began.

"Xiao-Ai." Xie Lian begins "It is okay if you cannot make a decision right now. This is a lot to take in-"

"Would staying with you and San Lang keep mama and baba alive?"

"I could send some assistance to protect your parents." Hua Cheng says in a reassuring and gentle tone.

"But it's uncertain?"

"Aiai, my darling nothing is absolutely certain." Jing Mei says as she looks at Meng Ai in the eyes.

"All we could do is do our best. This is what the four of us have talked about, all we are waiting for is your choice. Is it okay if Xie Lian and Hua Cheng become your parents too?" Everyone was silent as Meng Ai was slowly realizing what is going to happen.

"I don't want to lose you and baba." Ji Huifen embraces her as tears slowly begin pouring down her eyes.

"You will never lose us, a part of us will always be with you. You are not losing anyone, you are gaining two more people who will care and love you just as much as we do."

"We won't be leaving now. But we have to so that you will be given the life that you deserve and become the person that you want to be. What is it that you keep promising your baba and I every new year?"

Meng Ai struggles as her parents wipe the tears from her eyes.

"I won't ever give up on my dreams to become who I want to be. No matter what it takes."

"Are you going to start now?" Meng Ai stubbornly shakes her head.

"No mama."

"Good, making dreams come true is not easy. But it can be done. Always remember that Aiai." She nods as she hugs both Ji Huifan and Jing Mei. Hua Cheng and Xie Lian let them have their moment. No one knows when Ji Huifan will need to leave to finally put an end to his cursed family or when Xiwangmu will once again require Jing Mei to act as her oracle. It's better to let them savor each other's presence while they can.

Their sacrifice to give them Meng Ai as their daughter will not be in vain.

______________________________________________________________

"Are you sure that they've disappeared from and after Jingdezhen?" An intimidating figure asks as one of the mage mercenaries who was giving her a report.

"We cannot locate them anywhere after someone transported them to somewhere from within within the shrine to Jingdezhen. As expected they sought refuge in Xiwangmu's temple but they had divine assistance."

"I'm not surprised. My sister-in-law is one of her priestesses. I wouldn't put it above her to request aid from the other Gods." The female figure then throws a knife at the mage mercenary who was reporting. The blade being a little too close to his ear while still missing him completely.

Instead it latched itself on Feng Xin's armor.

Or it would have, had he not moved out of the way.

"What God are you?"

"What makes you think that?" She smiles as she throws another knife his way.

"You are absolutely right. You are not a God, you are a clone." Fuck! Feng Xin curses internally as he dodges attacks from all sides as he attempts to make his escape.

But his clone is overwhelmed and instead he ends up on his knees towards the woman who has been throwing knives at him. Now that he was close he could see her skin was pale with a grayish undertone. Her lips had dried up blood surrounding it.

"You know I've always been curious. I've never drunk directly from a God before. I wonder if a clone's blood will taste any different from other mortals?" It was only then that Feng Xin noticed that none of the mercenaries were close to them as the woman puts him on the ground as she begins to straddle him. She was a lot heavier than he had expected to feel. The pressure made by her sitting on top of his clone's ribcage was making breathing difficult.

"Get off me!" He tries pushing her off only for her to restrain his hands.

"Don't worry." Her fangs begin to make themselves more prominent.

"I'm skilled enough to make sure nobody feels pain. You might find yourself enjoying it." But before she could do anything she was blasted away from Feng Xin and outside of the tent they currently occupied.

"You idiot!" He knows immediately who his savior is and he couldn't help a smile from appearing on his face.

Mu Qing's clone manages to deflect then shield them from further attacks as they make their escape.

"Really!? This is how you do a reconnaissance mission?" Mu Qing immediately scolds him when they meet in private in heaven.

"I used a clone, I didn't expect anyone to detect anything from it. Normally nobody could even tell that our clones had anything divine in them."

"In case you forgot, these aren't normal people. These are cursed immortals who are only satisfied when they drink blood preferably from victims who are scared or in pain. Weren't you listening to Jing Mei?!"

"Mu Qing I'm fine now." He looks at Feng Xin unconvinced.

"Thanks to this experience at least now we know that they could even tell the difference between a clone and when it's actually us even though we would be in disguise." Mu Qing couldn't help but snort.

"I could have figured that out without having to get close to one of them." Feng Xin gets up to walk closer to where Mu Qing was standing. He sighs as he's finally on front of him.

"I'm sorry for not telling you. But I couldn't wait to investigate after Hua Cheng and Xie Lian brought them to Ghost City. My curiosity got the better of me." Mu Qing sighs as he pinches the bridge of his nose.

"If you want your curiosity satisfied then read a book."

"Not fast enough for me, and Lingwen and her officials were already busy."

"Then contact Chenxi, that's what I did." Now it was Feng Xin's turn to be exasperated.

"I've tried that she wasn't responding."

"Did you use the conventional channels?"

"Yes, why?" This time Mu Qing couldn't help but have a smug expression. A little bit of revenge over Feng Xin for making him worry.

"Like her mother she doesn't respond to conventional channels. She doesn't like being here as much as her parents, so like them she ignores messages from conventional channels. It's why she and her mother have oracles as their priests and priestesses. Oracles are receptive of messages from the otherworldly and serves as their informants. Since no one in heaven typically sends messages from other immortals through their priest or priestess this was how I was able to make contact with her."

"Fuck." Mu Qing now breaks out in laughter savoring being a few steps ahead of him. Serves him right for making him use a clone to save his.

"I was going to tell you that I've arranged for the two of us to meet her. She's willing to tell us all she knows. But nooo! You just had to do a poorly done intelligence mission in a campsite filled with mage mercenaries who could summon and control any creature. And don't get me started on how a cursed immortal almost-" He was stopped midrant as he felt Feng Xin's lips on his. Through the kiss he could feel the sincerity Feng Xin always had and that he truly was remorseful.

He knows what this is really about. And he now sees his mistake.

"How do I make it up to you?" Feng Xin asks in between kisses that he has begun reciprocating.

"If we are going to make this work you tell me your plans. You don't have to be detailed - I could figure out the rest on my own. Or is that instruction only for me?" He says as he breaks away from their kiss looking him straight in the eyes.

"No it wasn't. And you don't have to figure things out on your own. Not anymore."

"I could say the same for you." He couldn't resist anymore and brings Feng Xin closer for another more deeper kiss.

It's a good thing he found another cultivation path that was a sufficient replacement for his current one. While it was still early on in his new relationship with Feng Xin and they haven't gone that far, he had already begun taking steps in the alternative path of cultivation. There's no limit to how many paths of cultivation one could take. But if one became a God with a path of cultivation then for their powers to not be decreased too much another path of cultivation should immediately replace it. And he was nothing if not thorough.

______________________________________________________________

"Well?" Xie Lian asks nervously as Jing Mei tastes the simple broth that he has managed not to overcook. Even though Hua Cheng insists that he doesn't need to learn how to cook, he can't help but feel guilty at not being able to. So when he noticed Jing Mei's cooking was praised by Feng Xin and Mu Qing he asked her if she could teach him. And under the condition that Hua Cheng wouldn't interfere with her sometimes harsh instructions, even he has to admit that Xie Lian's cooking had improved under Jing Mei's tutelage.

"It's on the bland side, the vegetables you placed weren't able to release their full flavor since you placed them a little too late. But on the bright side you didn't burn the food and it is easier to add flavor through spices. Good Job Dianxie." He sighs in relief over his progress.

"Jing Mei, by any chance you could teach me how to make some of Xiao-Ai's favorite foods? It might ease the change of her moving in with us." Jing Mei couldn't help but snort a laugh.

"I'm afraid if you do that she'll grow up to have the sugar disease. It's already enough that I inherited it from my own mother. I hope that Aiai doesn't get it, but it is something to take note of. She has a sweet tooth which is why I'm strict with how much mooncakes she gets for her birthday. And it doesn't help that Ji Huifan likes to sneak Nan Gua Bings and Tanghulus behind my back whenever he returns from one of his missions."

"Oh? But I thought she liked congee?"

"She does, in a way that it's a necessary sustenance to avoid being hungry. It's for her health and it also teaches her that some things are sweeter when they are earned. It makes it that much more special." Jing Mei releases a sigh.

"At least that's what I hope would happen." Xie Lian offers an understanding look.

"I wonder if she'll even open herself up to me and San Lang after your talk with her. Sometimes I doubt if she'll be able to trust us after that."

"She will." Jing Mei says confidently as she looks at Xie Lian straight in his eyes.

"She may be a little closed off now, but if she really didn't like you she would simply ignore both of you and suffer in silence. The mere fact that she's not afraid to express herself to either you or Hua Cheng shows that she has already begun trusting both of you." Jing Mei then sprinkles some spices from the spice rack. A part of her is still in awe that Hua Cheng was not only able to have this many spices but also that he was able to preserve their freshness for far longer. But given that Hua Cheng was practically one of if not the most powerful ghosts and is the wealthiest she isn't surprised that rare spices occupied space in his kitchen. Back in Fu Dao spices that the traders called Saffron and Cardamom were so expensive only the elite could afford them. She was able to have an indulgence of them every now and then when she was lucky enough to recieve gifts of such.

And now Meng Ai would probably grow up indulged in it if they weren't careful. Or she would probably be bored with it and not understand why these spices were so coveted.

"She thinks Huifan and I don't know about how the children of Hu village were bullying her. But I noticed it right away when she didn't talk much to them and would actively do things in order to avoid them. In her mind she's thinking that they won't listen to her anyway and just want to make fun of her and make her day miserable. So why bother talking to them? We have tried speaking with their parents in private but they see us as outsiders to their community. One day out of the blue we arrived and began changing things in the village."

"Not everyone liked it." She nodded.

"The ones in power didn't, those that weren't were grateful for our services. But then again it's hard to please everyone." She then gets a bowl and pours out the broth that Xie Lian made that was made palatable with her choice of spices. She then places noodles that will be cooked just right from the broth's residual heat. Finally she then garnishes it with a quickly diced spring onion before serving it to Xie Lian.

"Stir it a bit but don't eat it yet." He looks at her puzzled.

"Why not?"

"A volunteer has arrived to help us. Hello Hua Cheng, please have a seat." Xie Lian relaxes as he feels himself embraced from behind.

"I hope you haven't been too hard on him while I'm gone." Jing Mei couldn't help but internally roll her eyes at Hua Cheng's underlying threat. Out of respect for Xie Lian she restrained herself from actually doing it.

"He has made a great improvement today. Please have a seat - there is something I would like you to do."

"Which is?"

"Feed the broth to Dianxie." Xie Lian couldn't help but blush as Hua Cheng begins to relax a little more.

"I appreciate that you've decided to include me in your culinary lessons."

"Actually there is a reason why I want you to do it. Dianxie will have his eyes closed and won't be able to feed himself." Xie Lian makes himself comfortable now understanding what Jing Mei is trying to do. She wants him to focus on the food.

"Ready Gege?" Xie Lian was about to say yes when Ruoye decided to turn itself into his blindfold to the amusement of both his husband and teacher.

"I wasn't going to peek Ruoye."

"Ruoye just wants to make sure you could focus."

"Okay San Lang, I'm ready." He opens his mouth as Hua Cheng feeds him a right amount of the noodles that he slurps up.

"Focus on the food Dianxie, what do your senses tell you?" With his tongue he could taste how the noodles were just right. Not too soggy nor stiff, but the way he chewed and the way the noodles had spread the broth he and Jing Mei had created was filled with flavor. He could now understand why Jing Mei had called his earlier attempt bland when the plenty subtle flavors complemented each other as he swallowed it.

"The subtle flavors are sublime, I could now appreciate why you added them to the broth."

"What else?"

"Um I will need another serving San Lang."

"Say ah." This time Xie Lian got more of the broth than the noodles. With more of the broth there was a suprising layer of sweetness that he did not expect from a broth. How the cabbage and string beans added an interesting texture to a simple meal. It made him reflect on the times when he was fortunate enough to recieve the best meals made by the best chefs of the land. He appreciated their efforts and savored their works. A part of him was jealous of how they could create works that was immediately beneficial since everyone had to eat.

Jing Mei was right in making him return to the basic senses of appreciating food without his sight.

______________________________________________________________

"Baba what type of spirits are Xie Lian, Nan Feng, and Fu Yao?" Meng Ai asks as she and Ji Huifan are on a tour lead by Yin Yu of the gardens. Yin Yu reccommended that they explore the gardens section by section. The gardens were too vast to be explored in a week, and even less by a few hours in a day. Today was their first day and the tour had just ended with Yin Yu needing to take his leave after being summoned by Hua Cheng. Ji Huifan, followed by Meng Ai decided to sit under one of the trees to avoid harming the flowers.

"Before I tell you the answer, tell me first what you have observed." Meng Ai reflects back on what she had felt and sensed with them. She remembers that they had a heart beat, that there was a lightness? No, she thinks to herself. That's not the right word. The best she could come up is that they didn't cling to their forms. But San Lang also didn't cling to his form but he had the tell tale clinginess that ghosts had. That's why when she first felt his presence she knew he was a ghost. But he was also the first ghost to actually talk to her and not just simply ignore her or scare her away.

"I don't know if this is the right word but compared to ghosts like San Lang, they don't really cling to themselves and they have a heartbeat. I wanted to say that there is a lightness to them but that's not quite it. Nan Feng and Fu Yao are soldiers and there is a bit of darkness that also comes with them. Which is why I don't think lightness is the right word."

"Mmhmm, what else have you observed Aiai?" She closes her eyes as she focuses even harder on what she could remember.

"They are powerful - but San Lang is also powerful but their powers feel very different. San Lang's power is more grounded? Or at least that's how I feel whenever I'm around him. But with Xie Lian, Nan Feng and Fu Yao their power comes from the air? The sky? Something from above or somewhere we cannot see." As she opens her eyes she sees him nodding in approval.

"And given all of these observations - what do you think they are Aiai?" She thinks back to a few days ago when she just learned that she will be staying with San Lang and Xie Lian and that they are going to be her new parents and keep her safe.

They were the best choice because San Lang was already dead since he was a ghost, and somehow Xie Lian was considered to still be alive.

And this was something shared with Nan Feng and Fu Yao - but what? Despite San Lang being a ghost he still felt very much alive in her opinion.

Before she could think further an attendant was sent to get them. It was time for dinner. Since one day her mama and baba would be going away she wanted to have dinner with all of them present. Even her new parents, San Lang and Xie Lian.

She couldn't help but feel a little bit guilty since she didn't mean to act badly towards them. But they will have her for the rest of her life and she doesn't know when she will see her mama and baba again once they leave her here for good. San Lang promised that he would make sure they are protected as much as possible and she knows that her baba is working on stopping the scary people that keep following them around.

As they enter the manor something catches her eye.

She takes a quick glance at where her father was escorted by the attendant. The dining room was just straight ahead of where they were. She promises she'll just be quick. She just needs to know what was it that caught her eye.

So she moves closer to what appears to be a shrine.

It's similar to the one at Puqi but it was so vibrant. The mask the crown prince of Xianle appeared to be like the ones she would sometimes see rich people wearing. The sword in one hand looked so dangerous yet at the same time it was beautiful. Both in what it could do and on its own. And the flower on the other hand looked so much like the floating lotus flowers that Yin Yu had showed them earlier. She told him that this was her first time seeing them with her own eyes and she would only see pictures of them. And then her mother taught her how to make paper lotus flowers and whenever they visited a temple of Xiwangmu's or Chenxi's that had a river created for the temple, she would help her place their paper lotus flowers on the water and watch them float away.

"But what if it sinks?"

"Then it is no longer a paper lotus flower." She remembered getting upset.

"But what if I want it to still be a paper lotus flower?"

"Aiai." Her mother settles herself next to her.

"Why do you want it to remain a paper lotus flower?"

"Because you and I made it together. I don't want it to be ruined."

"Oh Aiai." Her mother brings her in her embrace.

"Do you still remember the time we made them?" She nods as she wonders why it seems her mother was sad and yet she was smiling.

"Those paper flowers won't erase the experience we had of making them. That will never go away. But the paper flowers don't need to be preserved just because those were good memories. What matters is the time we shared."

She was younger then, and she is only now starting to understand what her mother was trying to say. It's not the object that matters. It's the people.

"Do you like it?" She felt before she heard San Lang behind her. She was about to apologize for being late when she noticed his expression showing that he already knew and wasn't upset.

"It's so beautiful, I couldn't help but want to look at it." He goes beside her as they look at the portrait of the crown prince of Xianle together. It was only then that she realized that there was no food offerings.

"San Lang why are there no food for the crown prince of Xianle?" He couldn't help but make a small chuckle.

"Because Xiao-Ai, he couldn't appreciate them if they just stayed here."

"Huh? Why?" Hua Cheng heard that Ji Huifan was asking her to make a guess on what type of spirits Xie Lian and his two former attendants were. He could understand why he didn't simply want to give her the answer since she needed to learn how to think for herself.

And also arriving at the answer on your own was its own reward. A concept that is difficult to explain to a little girl. Which is why Ji Huifan only lays out clues but wants her to arrive on the answer by herself.

"Food deserves to be consumed, savored, and enjoyed. He already does that whenever and wherever he is."

"Even here?"

"Especially here." She glances at the painting that called to her. Hmm another mystery that will occupy her mind.

Speaking of mysteries, she realizes that there is another mystery that she hopes she could get the answer too.

"San Lang, may I ask you something?" He lowers himself so that his eye was at the same level as hers.

"Ask away little one."

"My parents say that you and Xie Lian are the key to keeping me safe. Because you are a ghost and are already dead and Xie Lian is still alive...I'm worried."

"About what?" He asks her gently and tenderly. Her heart already feels safe whenever he is around. But she wants to know so badly.

"Aren't you worried that one day Xie Lian would one day die? I'm already scared that mama or baba would die because of the people chasing us. What if because of me, Xie Lian dies? I don't want you to be lonely." San Lang gives her a reassuring and knowing smile. Something about the way his eye glistens is telling her that there is something she doesn't know. Something just out of her reach.

"That is the one thing I can guarantee will not happen. You don't need to worry about that little one."

"But how can you be so sure?" Her voice almost breaks asking.

"I am sure because I am still around. As long as I love him and never ever forget him he will never die." He then rises up as he offers her his hand. A red thread is attached to one of his fingers. She takes his hand and he escorts her back to the dining room. She watches as everyone was waiting for her.

"Don't worry - she was just looking at the shrine."

"Oh what do you think Xiao-Ai?"

"It was so beautiful and vibrant Xie Lian! It reminds me of the painting in Puqi Shrine." He chuckles as he glances at San Lang.

"Should I?"

"If you would like." He then turns to her with a grin.

"I'm not surprised why you find them so similar. San Lang made both of them." They turn to him in amazement as his stance was relaxed. As Xie Lian continues to explain how the shrine in the manor came to be, what really caught her eye was the absolute love and devotion San Lang had for Xie Lian.

If only she could find someone who would look at her the same way he would look at Xie Lian. Or the love she could still feel between her parents who after adjusting to a new environment have managed to make it feel like home was always with them wherever they went.

Later that night as she settles in her bed she wonders what Chenxi must have felt to have lost Hua Lijie to the arms of death before she could marry him.

Did he treat her as person with otherworldly powers? Or did he treat her how a follower worships a Goddess?

Her love preserved the peaches in a place where she didn't have that many followers compared to other places that made her one of their patron Gods. For Gods to survive in such a place they must at the very least be known if worship was not possible. Did he perhaps notice this and loved her so much that he became so devoted to her so she could continue to be with him in a place where she didn't have as much power?

She touches the silver butterfly that San Lang gave to her. It wasn't hard to see the love between him and Xie Lian. And even though she wasn't paying attention to every single word that was said, she could sense the gratitude and love from Xie Lian as well.

But why would he have that reaction when San Lang painted the crown prince?

"Had trouble sleeping?" Xie Lian asks her as she joins him in practicing calligraphy.

"A question refused to let me." She adjusts her grip to experiment if her calligraphy will improve.

"And what was it?"

"I was wondering how Chenxi feels when she lost someone who was so in love with her. I was wondering what their relationship was like to make her go against her parents to try to make him immortal only for him to die before they even got married. Mama says her love is what preserved and affected them. So when Hua Lijie's family scared, trapped, and abused her in a place when she wasn't worshipped or known as much her change of feelings is what lead them to have a cursed immortal life that was worse than death after eating them." She decided that her new grip must have had better results since her strokes were now clearer.

"Did Hua Lijie love her as a person? Or did he already love her as a Goddess? Though one with less power in the place where he lived. Did he in the course of their relationship decide to be a devoted follower so that she won't ever leave his home or his side?" Xie Lian simply smiles at her from his seat across her. He reaches out to correct her grip so that her wrist won't be strained from practicing. On his own hand was a red string also tied on a finger similar to San Lang's. Perhaps it was something married couples who were both men did. A part of her couldn't help but wonder how they managed to prevent those red strings from getting into their food.

"I may not know Chenxi's exact feelings to Hou Lijie but I do remember how I realized I was in love with San Lang." She became intrigued as she finds herself putting down her brush to listen attentively.

"It was gradual. I couldn't help but feel something in my heart towards him early on. I didn't know what it was exactly. All I could feel whenever I'm around him is that I wanted to be with him. If I could help it I don't want to burden him with anything. But he insisted anyway and no matter what I did, no matter what decision I made, he stayed." He lets out a small chuckle as he lets his hand rest.

"One time before we became a couple I set this place on fire." She feels her eyes widen.

"Huh? How?"

"I was trying to save someone and tried to prevent from some of my friends and San Lang from fighting. It didn't work so I maneuvered myself in a way that they won't hurt each other. E-ming sliced me instead and when we were leaving I set fire to the armoury to prevent further fights from breaking out."

"And then what happened?"

"I had thought that he would be upset with me because I burnt the old version of this place down. I also felt guilty because I only told him half-truths about why I was here the first time. When we met again, it turned out we both thought that we hurt each other so deeply that we expected hatred from the other."

"Wait - what was he apologizing for?"

"For getting carried away with the conflict that lead to E-ming injuring me." She heard a cooing sound from behind Xie Lian. E-ming's eye had once again opened and it felt teary eyed.

"It's okay E-ming, I know you didn't mean it. I've already forgiven both of you." He grabs the hilt and gives it a few pets.

"Would you like to give E-ming pets?"

"But my hands are messy. E-ming I don't want to make you dirty with ink." A sad whining sound comes out of E-ming as he places him back in their previous place.

"She has a point E-ming."

"I'll pet you after my calligraphy practice!" After E-ming lets out a happy yelp she returns her attention back to the story.

"San Lang didn't care about you burning this place?" Xie Lian nods.

"I was surprised too. I apologized to him first and then he apologized for things that he thought I would hate him for. What a pair we were even back then." He giggles as he resumes his calligraphy.

"He explained that those things could be easily built again. And after that and all the incidents after he says that no matter what choice I've made, what path I've taken, whether those were mistakes or not or whether it was acting as the worst version of myself...all of those things were simply states of myself. But I have always been myself, and it was this person that he loves and is devoted to." Xie Lian then notices the stick on the incense clock has finally burnt out. Practice was over.

"After he told that to me, it was then I knew that I loved him and was in love with him even before that. To have someone accept you for who you are no matter what happens...I never knew I would be one of the lucky ones to have met their mate. Or to even have a mate at all."

Later on she would see them looking at each other lovingly as they took a stroll on a part of the gardens she hasn't toured yet.

And then she realized something.

The reason why the paintings in both shrines seemed so similar was not only because San Lang made them. She couldn't explain how but something about both paintings made her feel devotion, belonging ...

... and love.

She felt love whenever she was within the presence of either painting. It's why she felt safe in Puqi shrine after she first met them. It's why after meeting them she wanted to visit Puqi shrine whenever she was trying to escape her bullies.

Because there was love...

...and that made it feel like home.

And now she has the answer.

AN: I hope you enjoyed this more lengthy chapter to make up for the more delayed updates. I wrote this while listening to Hong Jue (Red Supreme) and Wei Chen (In front of the red curtain) on a loop. I wanted to give Meng Ai a moment with each of her parents to hopefully show what each one gives her. And also I wanted to give Fengqing a romantic moment while at the same time also clarifying the power level of the vampire family (that's what I call them in my head).

[nerves-nebula]

Nigerian living in Nigeria here and I really really don't think you should come over. We are currently in a very very anti trans and anti lgbtq period. If anybody were to find out you were trans you'll be super unsafe. I know this advice is unsolicited and you didn't particularly say you were coming here but as a queer trans person who's unable to transition and is currently stuck in this country, I feel increasingly unsafe and things are getting worse.

If you were to come, you probably would have to make sure you pass as a woman really really well and have backup plans to leave the country quick if you were found out.

I've noticed ppl have started to pay more attention to how I dress and noticing me binding my chest and dressing masculine, no one paid that much attention to that a few years ago but now ppl can't seem to shut the fuck up about it

We have a thriving queer community here, we are small yes but we know how to find each other. The problem is they are no laws to protect us and the average person thinks we are devil worshippers. Ppl who get caught by the police have to bribe their way out of prison and it isn't even the police you have to worry about, it's the ppl around you.

The beard thing can be passed of as genetics if it isn't a full one, we have a lot of women with facial hair, but if you give of any hint that you aren't cis you'll be in trouble.

And it also depends on the area you would be visiting too. Gated communities tend to mind their business and it easier to be a moderately rich queer person than a poor one. The rich can choose where they can go and who they can interact with while poorer queer ppl have to interact with ppl who are more likely to hurt them

If you're sure you can pass as a cis woman then come if you can't and you don't have any support systems that would protect your best interest in the country then I advice you stay in America. Nigerians barely ever protest(at least ppl outside unions) yet average ppl were protesting the legalisation of gay ppl just this year

The climate here is complicated, we have very popular trans and queer influencers that have millions of followers but it isn't that hard to find a video of a transwoman getting beat up. If you're rich with parents that'll turn the other way you're must likely good if not sorry for you 🤷🏿

If you do think you'll be able to manage I don't mind helping in any way I can

thanks for giving me the general vibe, it's definitely something i was wondering about so i genuinely appreciate it. i think i can still pass for a woman (one with a slightly deep voice but tbh it's no that deep. I've still got breasts and everything so at most they'll think I'm like. a masculine looking cis woman, idk)

I dont have like a full BEARD beard i think i'd have to shave what i do have cuz my sister, who has already visited with my dad, says i prolly got too much facial hair to pass it off as genetics.

the issue i'm worried about is my dad telling people i'm trans. i don't even know if he knows that i'm transgender or what, but he knows i'm on testosterone.

I wouldn't come over if I didn't think I was safe. and that's the issue that i'm grappling with cuz I'm not entirely sure what my dad will say/do. i don't think he'll beat me or anything since he hasn't done that with his other, way more volatile and argumentative children. that's like, not a fear i have about him. but i'm not sure if he'll tell the people around us about me or endanger me in some way.

my inclination is to say no, but he and my mom have done equally awful stuff when i thought "surely they wouldn't do that" so I'm not sure. I don't think my dad is rich, but i don't know exactly. he has a lot of connections and has worked in the government and when my oldest sister visited, she said he had armed guards that escorted them everywhere. so that's probably a good sign? but that was a few years ago.

i wouldn't go by my real name or pronouns there, that's for damn sure, but I'm worried I'd forget the little things about me that show I'm trans. for example, my favorite jacket has a trans flag painted on it and my backpack has a pronoun pin. those are easy to side step obviously, just remove the pin and don't bring the jacket- but I'm worried about little things like that slipping through the cracks because i'm not used to hiding them.

[mdhwrites]

Have you talked about the emperor's coven? How the story treated it is confusing because I can't tell if it's suppose to be a serious threat (besides Belos himself) that we or the characters should be concerned about when it didn't feel like that until S1 finale. It's like I was watching a different show when the last episodes dropped, packed with angst out of the ordinary.

So I actually haven't talked a lot about the coven itself outside of talking about the show gutting them in S2 as they're... Hard to talk about. Until the last quarter of S2, they really don't exist. Not in a proper form. Really, they're just their figure heads of Lilith, Hunter and Kikimora. Not even Belos interacts with them enough to reflect on the coven really and Kiki still doesn't do a lot with the scouts, Hunter never does anything with them (mostly, we'll get into it) and Lilith is more about her sister.

Before I get too far though, I actually want to start with stating the simple fact that unlike a lot of shows, TOH DID need a governing villain for its theoretical main themes. It needs someone to enforce the norm in order for the weird to be embraced and for adventures to be about conformity versus self-expression and BOY WOULD IT HAVE BEEN NICE IF THEY DID ANY OF THAT!

For S1 though, the figurehead approach works actually for the same reason as why Stormtroopers work because that is what they're evoking with the guards. This isn't even a knock against it as the Empire is an amalgamation of a lot of tropes with Nazi Germany on top of them. The specific dynamic in S1 though is that of the original trilogy. Of VADER and the Stormtroopers.

See, regular guards in most media aren't a problem. Despite their training, they're just easily available fodder. So long as you allow the guards themselves not to matter and not to truly represent the larger governing body, they work fine for that. But that means the onus of intimidation is on the figurehead. This is why the Stormtroopers can suck and be a meme but you don't inherently assume the Empire sucks because they answer to Vader. A problem they can't deal with is answered by someone who NEVER gets brought down. Who never loses his intimidation.

Lilith is OKAY at this. Covention is a REALLY good showing for her and S1 doesn't knock her down until the very end of it when Hooty beats her. She's the butt of some jokes and can be tricked but her power is never in question. You know that if she took this seriously, you'd be screwed, a promise she makes good on in Agony of the Witch which makes Hooty making her a joke of that episode more okay because it's supposed to demonstrate a contrast to what she's doing at the end.

Also, points to her for actually playing with themes of conformity versus self-expression. That is explicitly the line between Eda and her. The comforts of conformity versus the freedom but risk of self-expression. Of a normal industry job or freelancing as I see it a lot. She never transfers to Luz though besides Luz wanting to check out Covens in episode 5.

But... Also the coven is hard to figure out properly in S1. The scouts themselves show up in probably like a handful of episodes at most and mostly at the finale. It's part of what points to a shift that SHOULD have happened. That we're not dealing with prison guards, we're dealing with royal forces now. Inquisitors (or those red guards in Star Wars) rather than Stormtroopers.

And then we meet Captain Phasm- I mean Hunter. Captain Phasma in Star Wars is pitched as the elite stormtrooper. The new leader of the forces not to be fucked with. She gets few intimidating moments building her up and then she comes head to head with the heroes and... Dropped in a garbage shoot. How different is that from Luz taking Hunter so not seriously as to lick his hand or other annoying, smug actions that are more to a rival than someone who tried to murder you and your family the last time you two met (as a note, the transition for them between Changing Tides and Hunting Palisman is... Awkward. It's not the worst but you really feel like there should have been an inbetween episode for them). But for the purpose of this blog, there's another element important to this beyond Hunter's arc.

He is our new figurehead and while intimidating at first... Now he's a joke. He's a mad but sad boy who no one, including the Coven, treats seriously. So... Why should we take his coven seriously?

And the show only doubles down on this. By the next time we have a major encounter with them, Kikimora is both the figurehead now AND she is being knocked down because she is literally nothing but crazy and paranoid that entire episode to the point where she makes mistakes that wreck her entire squad but one without ANY real intervention by the heroes. So now we don't just have implications but explicitly the show is showing us that the EC is pointless and ineffectual.

The final nail for this coffin is of course Sport in a Storm where... They just shoot the theme that the EC is there for in the head for really, REALLY lazy character work. Hey, all those bonuses to conformity, reasons to work with the EC, etc. like that to have this push and pull? Nah, they're pure evil and even take on what modern society sees barbaric practices by the Spartans of yeeting kids onto mountains because how old was Hunter when he was doing the test? In fact, a LOT of coven scouts don't seem happy in the coven and one explicitly leaves at the end of Labyrinth Runners and so does Steve in Titan, Where Art Thou'? And with no consequences for either of them.

It reinforces a feeling that was already present LONG before now with Amity in S1/S2A of conformity and telling authorities to go fuck themselves not only to be just objectively the right thing to do but easy. After all, when Amity did it, she got a power boost, despite letting her grades slip, and no one ever gave her real consequences that lasted for more than five minutes despite the show claiming that her parents are pure evil and hyper controlling. The EC in the last quarter of S2, the part they're most involved in and so the only time they actually start creating an identity for themselves, feels a lot like this. Like this force and law that we've been told is hard to break, hard to fight against and now... It's nothing but a joke. An easy hurdle to bypass.

It's made even worse frankly by the fact that the literal only time, in the ENTIRE series that a normal coven scout is treated as a threat by ANYONE... Is at the start of Labyrinth Runners to make it clear just how objectively wrong Amity is about Willow's strength. So even then, they're not being taken seriously? And why should they? S2 almost OPENS with the coven scouts being replaced as a threat by the Abomatons. We haven't EVER seen the scouts fight properly except for the end of S1 where Hooty beat them easily. You haven't tried to make them as threatening as most Power Ranger footsoldiers before you're adding a new elite enemy who is supposed to be taken seriously... Who we ALSO never see actually pose a real threat to anyone (besides when plot demands it in Clouds on the Horizon shortly after Willow effortlessly BURIES ONE). The first one we see in a group of threats that are active are taken out by the environment in Eclipse Lake for a Coven Captain to instead be Eda's enemy but by then, Coven Captains haven't been built up and the abomatons are still waiting for a moment to be than more menacing.

The EC is just... Of a kind though. I mean, in S1 it worked... But only kind of. In that season, Lilith is still a joke. She isn't knocked down but she's put in a dog's body, she still loses the duel in Covention by trickery, she still feels the need to cheat rather than just believing in the strength of her pupil, she loses the Grudgby match against Eda and she is taken out by a bird tube on ACCIDENT. It's VERY easy not to take Lilith, and thus not to take the EC, seriously in S1 which is just matching the tone of S1.

But when it actually had to cash the check of the concepts it was writing, it couldn't do it. The foundation wasn't there, the care wasn't put into it and so the problems of S1 that could be ignored because the show still felt like it had any real interest in being a kid's show shatters when it is claiming to be more serious.

But the Emperor's Coven is never more serious. They're always a punchline. The joke is on the viewer though who ever expected the cast to be challenged or for the main threat of the series to actually have a point.

==========

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead, If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

And finally a Twitter you can follow too!

[kinetic-elaboration]

June 8: Missing Scene

Extra scene from The Transitive Property, which will not make sense without it. Fits between Chapters 3 and 4.

~650 words, 32 minutes, background Tom/Daria/Jane

*

Daria pops her locker door open, and it reverberates with a clang as she slips her backpack off her shoulder. A few lockers down, Jane's doing the same thing. "What are you doing this weekend?" Daria asks. The question is wholly innocuous, but seems to catch Jane off guard.

"Huh? Oh, nothing really. Why? Are you sending me on a secret mission?"

"If you choose to accept it. Or we could just go see a movie."

Jane hums. "Not tonight, though. Spiral's playing at the Zon." She pauses, hesitating with her hand around one of the notebooks in her locker. "But you probably have a date, right?"

Friday is usually her night with Tom. Not always. But it's an unspoken rule in the custody arrangement among them, just like it had been when Jane was dating him. After last night, she's sure he'll want to see her. Everything she wants herself is pooling out like the guts of a disemboweled body on the floor.

She stuffs two additional books in her bag, hopes they're the right ones. "I know the list is pretty exclusive, but do you think Trent could get me in?" She adds fast, not wanting to think about the narrow-eyed way Jane is looking at her, "Me and Tom?"

Jane hesitates, then shuts her locker again with that same metallic shiver. "Tom won't want to see me," she answers. "We sort of got into it the last time we saw each other."

"Got into it?" She doesn't need the clarification. She just needs the time to roll it over in her head, while she zips her bag again and closes her locker, too. Fought. Last Saturday after the magic show. Probably over her, the thought of which feels like looking at her own clone: surreal and off-putting, a weird reminder that she exists to other people even in her own absence. "You didn't mention that."

"I didn't want to put you in the middle. It wasn't a big deal, but I don't think his ideal Friday night includes me."

Mine does.

They fall into step beside each other, heading toward the main entrance of the school. If she's alone again with Tom, in her house, in her room, they'll pick up where they left off and--now that metallic clang is in her stomach. She's been thinking about him all goddamn day. And she doesn't want to use Jane as a buffer, or a chaperone--she'd be the worst one--but.

But the last time they were all together. She tries to remember the expression on Jane's face then but it's hard to square with the neutral-distant look on it now, how she doesn't seem to want to look Daria's way. If she were considering anyone but Jane and anyone but Tom, Daria would say this is an experiment she could easily run again: people aren't so difficult to move around and set in place as they like to think they are. But she doesn't think of them as subjects and this isn't science. Maybe it's something like art.

The incoherence of wanting so much. She's not used to it. She thinks about Jane wanting to watch them and wonders if she still thinks about watching, if she could ever exist in the real world like the confident, appraising, in-control Jane Lane in her head.

"I can still ask him," Daria says. Outside, the afternoon is warm and sunny without any breeze, and she can hear the sharp sounds of whistles and yelling from football practice out on the field. "I don't think he's still caught up on something that happened a week ago."

Jane shrugs. "If you say so. Look, I'll be there either way, and if you guys want to come too, I'll see you there."

"A solid plan."

"I am a strategic mastermind."

[azumasoroshi]

continuing from the last post, we're back to izaya with the bag over his head and earthworm

and it's really interesting because he's animated in a way that makes you really, REALLY doubt that it's izaya

ok it's hard to show in photo form but like. the way he tilts his head back and forth with earthworm moving the scissors makes him look wary and nervous? and you cant see his face but his body language is so far from relaxed that you're like oh they must have captured nakura or some other person. no way izaya's actually in there

and after she asks about his sisters (you still cant see well in photo form but i gave you the timestamp and the episode number so :3) he shakes his head back and forth quickly with some kind of wobbly sound effect and it's so unlike izaya!!!! izaya wouldn't react to any of this right??

and then we cut to here!! and it's like oh yeah that definitely isn't him. he's literally outside with mairu right now

side note but awww they're so cute. im sure they're 100% normal mentally sound siblings who definitely didn't decide their personalities via a fucking coin flip ahahaha

orihara family is so fucking weird. sometimes i wonder if izaya is good at dodging shizuo's attacks because he's used to his siblings attacking him all the time (which is really cute actually) or if his siblings saw him getting chased around by shizuo all the time and thought 'hey that looks fun' and decided to attack him too (decidedly less cute but a lot funnier)

im assuming it's the first one though since the twins have been doing martial arts probably before izaya was in high school?? probably

it's funny how he's actually caught off guard here. like his ultra instinct carries him but he only turns after mairu makes a noise

like he's the king of environmental awareness as opposed to shizuo who kinda blocks everything out so this is hmMMMMm

mayhaps he lets his guard down around his siblings :eyes: ohoho do i sense a weakness orihara-san??

there was this line in the izaya youtuber au where namie is like damn i'm this proud at catching izaya off-guard for like a second?? my life is fucking sad. that's how i feel right now

smug bitch

flexible characters get me going bro like vash the stampede. izaya. why do i keep grouping them together in my head like they're both human lovers (albeit for very different reasons) and they're both flexible and they're both voiced by johnny yong bosch. what's the deal here what is fate trying to tell me about my taste in fictional men

i will never get tired of his acrobatics ugh

bro has a fuckin rectangular prism for an ass what is going ON there

um. gayass

what was i talking about again OH YEAH the earthworm thing. well not like i can talk about that any more until we cut back there

im not taking screenshots of the entire "fight scene" (it's just izaya dodging and being a little shit like "oh woe is me why would you attack an innocent civilian in public??" (he's the one holding the knife, mikage's brother points out)

and we're back! still not sure how exactly that works considering the transition between phones - was earthworm showing him the footage or something?? or playing the audio, because she asks about mikage right after

in any case izaya continues to keep his head low, visibly reacting to what she's saying/pouring the water but never saying anything

we switch away again to him talking to celty and we're at a really weird place where half of it feels like izaya's going to be under there and earthworm is actually getting to him this time, and we'll see through the flashbacks a series of fuck ups or how he planned to be here and be unphased but he's a little bit shaken by the torture methods

and the other half of it feels like oh, through the flashbacks we'll find out how exactly izaya caught on to them trying to capture him and made a stunt double

the one post that's like "i dont see him complaining" continues to crack me up

we cut back to earthworm again but im running out room of this post lmAOOO

it's incredible how hard it is for me to stop talking like this is actually insane. see you guys in the continuation post i guess

[spacedkitty]

Mushroom Rambles on Being Trans...

I got real high on some mushrooms and went on an emotional roller-coaster that I just kind of ramble-vomited into a drive document a few months ago...

Figured I'd throw it up here because I genuinely like how it turned out. Though I will say there's a bit of... frustration... with the roles pressed on men.

Anyway, it's all below the cut if you care to read it. I'll warn you it's long though, but I find it compelling in re-reading it.

It's incredible how you can feel so isolated from people, yet in moments like this not help feeling a deep connection with everything

It feels almost impossible for things not to sound profound to me right now.

Even the purposeful lack of structure can entice that feeling, so lacking in any real form, as a mocking caricature of purpose itself. It becomes a parody of itself by dint of the very simple purpose for which it was created.

Anti-humour, or the structure of how it's put together.

Gods, following this thought train right now feels like trying to explain an AI's thought-tree, it's constantly evolving as I go and I honestly have no idea where it's going to get off, it could be here or there or anywhere and I fucking love this.

How did I not know of all this shit? Why did I keep myself from experiencing it for so long?

I feel so free about drugs now, but I didn't before. This is a new thing.

It feels like I have to justify it to myself constantly. It's so weird to hear those PSAs and comments my mother would say about people. About how folks in recovery would talk about it.

This truly feels exactly like what they said in a way.

It always led to tragedy in those videos. Never a happy ending.

What a load of crock!!

Fuck!

I have to remind that part of my brain that the world that we'd have to return to would be one of frustration, fear, constant pain… all the things I'm dealing with now… and yet… without the hope, without the joy, without the ability to even feel real happiness.

Sometimes it feels like I never felt happiness. Never felt true joy.

I know it isn't true, I certainly did, but every memory from before I transitioned is taunted by pain. It's covered in a grey fog that just smothers the feeling in those memories.

I don't even know how to explain it. How do you communicate to the people around you that you finally see things in all the glorious colours of the rainbow. That when the sunshines it suddenly isn't just… an annoyance. That when the rain comes I can finally bask in it, not hope for it because it's an excuse to stay indoors away from people.

I spent years avoiding people. Spent my whole life doing it. I couldn't handle being around people, just so much going on. My anxiety just ran rampant. The more people the more they expect you to behave a certain way.

I could relax with my close friends. Let my guard down a little, but even then. I think in hindsight I kinda dated Dylan. He probably wouldn't look at it like that now, but like, we talked almost constantly, we knew each other so intensely well so quickly. We spent most days together all throughout the final years of highschool.

He smoked too much, though when I started smoking it stopped bothering me so much. I was really sad when his dad kept being such an asshole.

Gods, I've lost track of so many memories. It makes me really sad honestly.

I can't tell whether the mushrooms are making me play out the emotional hits or they're just lining up super well. Probably the former honestly.

Feels hard to imagine.

Feels hard to imagine things?! Hahaha, what the fuck brain

Gods it's good to feel the way I do right now.

Such a fucking relief. And it only took me lots of drugs to get it!

Though like… there goes the anxious voice "but what if I'm partway through fucking my whole life up huh?"

Well, to that I say, if this is what fucking my whole life up feels like, it's wholeheartedly worth it!

And fuck you for implying it might not be. You sanctimonious little prick. "What if you're part of a bad story" so fucking what if I am? I'm not unhappy now! I was so fucking unhappy before! I couldn't comprehend happiness like this. Everything was tinged with pain. With an emotional hurt that I couldn't name or see. 

Like having an iron nail embedded into your skin. All the time it's there there's a dull ache and each time you bump into things it makes itself known.

Actually it's more like a splinter you can't see or pinpoint. You're mostly used to the constant pain of it, but every time you move juuuust so, it gets incredibly painful. You still can't see it, you don't know what it looks like or just exactly where it is, so you poke at it a few times and eventually give up figuring it'll work itself out eventually, and maybe you'll be able to pick it out then. Until then there's no point keeping your mind on it, but it's still there, aching and twinging away. You may keep a wary eye out to prevent it bumping into anything.

Soon it slips into your unconscious, becoming less pressing but still aggravating. A constant silent damper on you until the next time you inadvertently bump it, when it jumps to the forefront of your mind.

Over time you're haunted by it. This constant pain that you can't get rid of. Suddenly everything is bumping it, it's sharp stabbing jolts constantly feeling like they're tearing you apart. It's driving you mad, and so you dig again, even though digging has only made that feeling worse… you know if you keep digging that damnable thing will come out one way or another.

And it does!

And with it, your world shatters…

…The life you've built crumbles in your hands.

…The wife you had weeps in your arms, hoping one day she'll see you change your mind, but being glad in her own way that she's no longer tied to you.

…The child you have, still so young. She sees only your happy moments. You can't let her see the tears you wipe away as your world burns around you. You won't have long with her before you're parted. In your heart you're pretty sure it's what her mom and everyone wanted. Well, if you can't just "forget the whole thing" anyway. "Just smile and be a family" right? Doesn't matter how much you have grown to despise one another, you're supposed to cling together anyway? That's how you're supposed to do it.

"Can't you just be… you know… a drag queen?"

No.

Gods above no!

Gods fucking below NO!!

I'm not a fucking man.

I never fucking was a man!!

I was never EVER a man…

Whether people like you accept me as a woman… I don't care anymore. Beyond legislating my body, I don't give a fuck what you think of me.

I'm so fucking tired of being judged and weighed and measured. I'm so tired of feeling like a fucking show pony. If I wanna look like a fucking clown, I FUCKING CAN!

You held power over me for so long, I refuse to give it back. I don't need you to care, I don't need you to even know, but I still wanna fucking tell it.

It might have detonated my life, but fuck if it hasn't made me so so so much fucking happier with my life!

It's given me the space to be myself.

If things hadn't been so restricted in my life, I might have simply expressed myself far sooner. If I'd known what it could all have been, I'd have jumped at the chance I'm sure, but at the end of the day, I didn't have that knowledge.

It's never clear what thing will shake it all free, what makes the pieces land together. For me it was the birth of my daughter. The pregnancy leading to it as well.

It had been coming for a while though. I spent a lot of time in trans related subs "being a big ally".

I'd seen trans women in porn early on. When I was a teenager, I'd found it then. Heck, my mother had a collection of magazines that comprised a huge "encyclopedia of sex" or something like that. In there was where I saw a trans woman for the first time.

I spent a long time looking at that section.

If I'm completely honest, masturbated to it too. I was a teenager, dunno what to say.

Years later I looked it up. Found a number of videos, photos, etc. Grew rather fascinated with trans women. Started being so intensely interested in them as people. I came up with a million justifications in my mind like "I love it being obvious that you know when your partner is feeling pleasure", "I have a dick so I know what'll feel good for her as well", all so I could tell the men around me something if they ever caught wind.

It's something I'm more than a little ashamed of, those gross mental justifications, but they are what society pressures you into thinking.

It pushes men to see women as sex objects. Pushes them to treat women as such even if they don't. It pushes a complete lack of empathy. It's about justifying your place. You've declared yourself and you're supposed to be willing to back it, so you are deserving of the space. Those less able to declare themselves are relegated to the fringes.

Men are pushed to think of themselves first. Pushed to think of everything as a competition. Every man around them is always pushing them to compete. Competing is how you measure yourself right? How can you have empathy if all you know is competition. Winner takes all. So you've got to be a winner right?

Gods what a shit way to live.

Even if you try to stop, try to step away it's just… endless taunting, shaming, bullying. Men use femininity as a curse. The only ones who don't are those trying to actively step out of the rat race or those who use it as a gimmick.

I had a beard, one I'm honestly still proud of. One I'd maybe wear again if people wouldn't call me a man for it. It was big and bushy. Red like fire in the deep coals of a just barely burning log. I loved that beard.

It saved me from so much harassment. So much taunting. That and my sheer size. 6'2" and chunky. I never really needed to fight as everyone looked at me and decided it wasn't worth it. At least amongst the lot I encountered.

I was pretty stoic too, which gave me extra points. Most men looked at those 3 things and decided I was man enough as long as I didn't do anything too fruity. As long as I drank a vaguely beer shaped thing and didn't make them question themselves too much, I was ok in their book.

But gods… how is that any way to live?!

I guess I can sorta "exist" as a diluted, stale imitation of a man. Like watered down mayonnaise left in a cup overnight.

Or I could be me! Shed the bullshit unspoken rules, the invisible shackles of manhood.

…To a different set of invisible shackles! Or so society would have it.

And like, they are pretty, all fluffy and pink…and I am into bondage…

…But no.

No.

Fuck that. I wanted to be my fucking self here. Not some imitation of the bullshit system.

I didn't just want to switch sides, I wanted to escape the system. I'm not gunna replace one set of bullshit rules for another just because they're pink.

People spent my entire life quietly telling me I was unacceptable. That who I truly am is unwanted. That who I truly am is the laughing stock. You think I'm suddenly going to switch in a way that makes those people happy?! Fuck that noise.

Why the fuck should I care what they think when there are people out there who care about me for me. For who I am as a person. Where I don't face constant criticism, constant forced competition, constant belittling talk.

It's telling that one of the few people from my old life I keep making an effort to speak to is a friend of mine who I helped figure out was trans. She's a real gem.

It's still funny to me that so many of my friends were gay. Gay dudes, but still. I had weird feelings towards being friends with women, thanks to an incident when I was around 11… or was it later?

I was friends with some girls from down the road. We were having a sleepover at their house. We'd played with dolls. The memory gets a little fuzzy, I think we had a pillow fight and their parents got weirded out. Although now that I think of it maybe they'd decided to flash me? I don't think their parents saw that part, though it'd explain it better. I just remember being kinda uncomfortable.

The parents decided they didn't really want me around so much anymore. They got quite frosty with me from what I remember.

At the time I didn't understand why. It felt like an innocent sleepover. My mother explained to me how they saw it and from that point onward I was petrified girls would see me as pushy or creepy if I tried to be their friend.

Left lifelong scars for me in truth. The assumption that I wanted to do things I didn't. That I wanted to pressure girls into things. That’s just how "boys" are right? It ate me up inside knowing that people expected that of me.

Truth is I just wanted to be friends. I wasn't looking for more.

That cut me off from the people I wanted to socialize with. I pined after them, in both friendship and love. Had crushes on the kindest girls, the ones with personalities that filled the room and looked at me with genuine smiles. In truth I wanted to be their friend more than anything. Or more accurately, I wanted to BE them and be their friend.

When television and my peers were filled with stories of the dirty things men wanted to do to women, my daydreams and masturbatory fantasies were filled with visions of gentle caresses, dappled sunlight, lengthy foreplay, long passionate kisses, and my head between their thighs.

It's apparently a wild thing to admit your favorite thing to do to a woman is pleasuring her, when you're a 15 year old boy. Not that I'd had any experience at it.

Oh, most boys say they did. Purely confident in their ability to please women, while making it really apparent they never had.

Gods, I remember being friends with a guy purely cause he called that shit on people all the time. I also know he got around a fair bit, cause he was the only one our age that seemed to give a shit what their partner wanted. And he looked pretty good honestly.

Watching men's egos wilt when being called out is one of my favorite things. Though they almost never let it get to them unless it comes from someone they see as above them or as a peer in the social ranking. Otherwise it gets the defensive reaction of someone having the foundation of their carefully constructed personality picked at.

It comes down to how effective you are at declaring yourself.

If you shout loud enough, then you're right. You're in constant competition and the ones you care about impressing are the ones with more social power. If you shout loud enough then the ones below you have to agree. That's how it's supposed to work.

You're supposed to have power over people, that's what a man is right?

Gods I’m glad I don’t have to be any more…

[countrymusiclover]

10 - Top Lion

Part 11

The Lion's Bride

@tyrionsprincess30

Jaime pursed his lips together about to respond when we heard foosteps running towards us. Jaime rolled over onto his side and I attempted to duck for cover seeing its a Lannister guard. "Uh...My Lord, My Lady. I have news. Tywin Lannister is here." Pressing my face in my hands I know I'm blushing for like the third time today, my father in law is here.

Jaime's POV

Father shouldn't be here. It's far too soon. But I guess when you're the former Lord of your house you can pop in whenever you wish. Juliet and I tried sneaking back into one of the rooms to change but I got caught by Father. Entering one of the main rooms he slumped down on one the tall chairs. Eyeing my wet clothes up and down now that I had put my shirt back on. "Would you care to explain why I couldn't find you and your wife when I arrived." His voice blunt as he tapped his fingers on the table. My eyes see the golden pin for the Hand of the King on his tunic. I bite my lip not saying anything making him glare at me. "I wouldn't mind if you're answer was because you were bedding her."

"I - we - I haven't slept with her..." I stuttered out never being good at words. That's Tyrion's territory not mine. He can talk his way out of almost any situation. And the ones he couldn't I would be there by his side with my sword. In this moment I wish he was here to help me out. "You are my heir and a Lannister. You have one job. To wed, bed and put a child in Juliet Stark. What about that is hard?" Lifting my gaze up to his I throw my hands up a little. "She's still a lady. It isn't right that I force myself onto her-" He cuts me off slamming his fist on the table. "It is your duty. Do you think when I met your mother that I gave a crap about what she wanted. Our wedding was for the purpose of creating heirs!"

Tilting my head down I feel tears starting to appear in my eyes at the mention of my mother. I always believed that he loved her but the way he spoke about her now makes me think otherwise. "So you never loved or cared for her in some fashion?" I mumble out under my breath feeling him still glaring at me. "Of course I loved your mother. And it broke me when she died which is why I am telling you now. Only concern yourself with duty. Love and your wife's happiness shouldn't be at the front of your mind. Not until I have a grandchild buring the Lannister name." Turning on my heels I storm out of the room and down the hallways of the rock. Bursting open my chamber door seeing Juliet unpacking her trunks of stuff from Winterfell. She whipped her head around still wearing her clothes from our swim in the water. "Jaime?" She breaths out rising to her feet.

"I don't want to force you to do anything. I don't want to follow my father's ways. But you have to know he knows that we haven't slept together." I blurted out crossing the room cupping her face in my hands. Her grey eyre locked onto mine resting her hands ontop of mine with a weak smile. "Jaime, I want to wait until I know you better. But I've heard the rumors of your father. That he doesn't like to wait...so let's just do our duty." She leans up on her toes kissing me and I stiffened at first. My hands slide down to her hips slowly kissing her back. But I can't just let my actions take over like they normally would if I was with Cersei. "Juliet," I break the kiss seeing something in her eyes. Nerves probably more than anything. Our movement in the ocean was the second time we've been intimate with each other.

She wrapped her arms around my neck playing with my hair. She slowly mumbled under her breath avoiding my gaze for a minute. "Could we slowly transition to the..." She doesn't finish the sentence but thankfully I can read her. Bending down I slowly kiss her, lifting her legs up carrying her over to the bed. She gasped when her back hits the bed but a nervous smile is on her face. I climbed in beside her resting one hand to her cheek she leaned forward kissing me this time. There's something about her kisses that make my heart beat faster. She's unsure of what she's doing obviously and nervous too. The opposite of my sister who knows exactly what she's doing. Pulling away I tuck hair behind her ear laying on my side with her close to me. "How about we go do something we know we're both good at. Hmm, sword fighting?" She nodded but wrapped her arms around my neck again whispering. "Let's just try...together, Jaime."

"I'll ease you into it if that's what you want." I leaned forward kissing her again and she kissed back. I felt her fingers playing with my hair and I can't hold in a moan when she tugs on it. I deepen the kiss hovering above her, holding myself up with my hands to not hurt her. We broke the kiss where she plays with my shirt, avoiding my gaze. "Do you want this off, my wolf." She nodded and I slowly discard my tunic feeling her eyes wander. "So you see something you like, Juli." I chuckled with a smirk seeing her blush. Juliet wrapped her arms around my neck leading the kiss this time. I flipped us over making her squeal and I can't help but grin. Reaching forward I decided to see if she was ticklish and she was when I touched her hip. "Jaime, Jaime no!" She giggles trying to squirm away as I kept tickling her. Finally I Iet her catch her breath so I tilt her chin down to mine mumbling against a kiss. "Whether my father is here or not. We'll get to that point someday..." I lean up whispering in her ear getting her to blush a deep red. "Because you said you wanted me when we were by the sea. Don't fret my wife I won't disappoint you." I just hope father won't try and force us together.

Comments really appreciated ❤️

[thesagedahlia]

🦀 Cancer Season (June 21st-July 22nd) ♋

🌊

There is a rebirthing or awakening trying to happen, but some pain/grief need(s) to be balanced out. Bad investments or commitments may have been prolonged for some, while others may be taking some time off before someone can adapt to stable environment. Some may be impatient in healing from what has caused a pattern of defensive mechanisms in an effort to cope with one's obsessive paranoia (this can also point to hopelessness or mental health issues). The key is for this hurt to be communicated in order to be resolved. It may be a lot on someone's plate to be in conflict with themselves or others, & it has caused uncontrolled outbursts with either side. Some may be dealing with people who are naturally gossips, conveys information for personal gain, or spreads fear & falsehood. Either this is approaching you or someone in your environment, there is a need to be intuitively inclined in order to get out of one's head for some, while others make their way out of conflict or struggle. There may be a lack of focus or scattered energy that is delaying development in the intuition, which may come up as the focus for some. Meditation can help to calm the mind & can keep one's attention in the right place, even though there are a bunch of distractions trying to redirect you. Some may be receiving synchronicities or subconscious/intuitive hits that is helping to have a more positive/optimistic outlook past fear & anxiety. The call your soul is trying to answer is being drowned out by all the outside noise & disharmony, & one's blocked intuition is contributing to their lack of dedication in some area(s). Jump into the unknown & say yes to the changes that are presenting themselves before you, because they could be staring you in the face before it is even realized.

🔮 Crystal for 🌊 signs

Selenite. Clear your path to enlightenment.

🦀

It may be some deceptive or treacherous territory where there is an environment/situation that may be less than favorable. This can be causing a volatile energy that has pent itself up for someone that may be feeling some kind of loss or negativity, & there may be, or has been, a build up to the point of excessive rage. You may be dealing with people who are united by anger or with general conflict that is causing worry, & surrounding natural forces may be causing more harm than good; whether they're within your control or not. You have the ability to merge your passion with your budding intuition, & create what has been in your mind, body, & soul to create. It may be hard to bring the focus back onto what needs that attention, because there is a need for some to retreat into oneself for spiritual or recovery reasons in order to channel the energy that has been rampant up to this point. To stray from impulsiveness is to be able to control your inner workings, & sometimes that can come with a rocky transition. Stability can be achieved, but there has to be an opportunity to rebuild from letting go. You need to bring balance to your situation & its outcome, as things have been in a more complex manner than what was necessary. This may be a matter of getting in touch with yourself & how the energy around you makes you feel.

🦂

Someone is seeming to have their guard up when it comes to other people, where someone may feel the need to only interact with those closest to them. There may be a resistance as it pertains to change because of fear of repeating cycles, but there is some needing to build from the ground up, whether it be relating to a project, a business, or a relationship. It may be too much stress to come with exchanging energy with other people (or for some, material/tangible resources rather than energy) even with those that may be friends or family. This may be due to not being open to meeting (new) people or needing to get out of an energy of being too introverted for some, or others may be too attached to what they're used to as it pertains to who they spend time on. Someone may need to listen to themselves & their intuition about people who are disloyal, impulsive, or overbearing, because sometimes they can be the most persistent. Stability is important, especially when you are being present in the world, so taking care of yourself after being in the public can help to see things from a more optimistic standpoint for the long term; "after public" cleansing may be a routine to invest in. Someone may be held back due to a lack of commitment to achieve stability, or there is a lack of seriousness, direction, or an inability to progress, & this may be coming up to examine (whether it be you or someone else experiencing this that you're aware of), this can also be referring to recklessness of one's action.

🐡

There may be someone here who may be too generous to the point of allowing themselves to manipulate a a situation. There may be elements of control at play here regarding an individual, where negative patterns are being repeated with no letting go of the old & outdated. There could be a relationship/connection that is codependent or deceptive, & someone may be emotionally controlling over another person that is keeping someone in a depressive, sad, or negative state (decide who you are from this point). There may be an inability to move forward because Person A may be defending themselves over a combative front (Person B), so the only solution in order to restore balance is to cope & adapt. The way p-A has morphed into a situation has caused repressed pain & it caused a self-protection demeanor. P-A may be awaiting clarity on partaking in new initiatives regarding more stable situations. If there is emotional confusion about what is & what isn't, p-B may be holding onto past situations in an effort to keep authority over the relationship. Swift change can only happen when there is a confident & stable stance in shooting for abundance. Some may be having a reality check about what has been lacking security, while others are expressing their emotional burdens that may have been caused by taking on too much.

🔥

There feels to be a desire for spiritual growth & this may be coming up as a need to focus on inner child healing. For some, it is a transitional period to overcome some obstacles regarding some abuse of power or lack of discipline or control. It may be hard to be expressive when involved in power struggles (whether internally or externally) & it may be some sort of confusion when it comes to making the right choices or decisions in the manner of liberating oneself. The focus may be to free yourself (or others) from outmoded beliefs or traditions or to release negative thought patterns. Your energy here is coming up strong as you deal with deception or trickery, & you aren't letting too much stress or anxieties to distract or distress you. You seen perfection in your world, even if it isn't close to what you would consider to be "perfect", so why not strive toward it? Impulsive choices can be easily made if there is no structure or focus, but there is a potential to bring stability through rethinking one's approach or to discover the warning signs you may have been ignoring. For those needing to break through your limits, it can be a matter of having too much work on your hands or of pure laziness (or even procrastination), & even the bewildered & bumbling individual can shift into a super-driven worker bee if it were up to our caliber of discipline. Some are coming out of the mental conflict that has been causing delays or setbacks & are taking the actions necessary to theirs journey, while others are coming into this understanding of self-assessment. Someone may be triggered by another person or something specific that may be coming up for focus, & there may be a realization of a deep, penetrative trigger that has been suppressed (some may be awaiting clarity regarding this) which may have been due to lack of growth, or even self-doubt.

🔮 Crystal for 🔥 signs

Honey Calcite. Break through your limits.

🦁

This may be a time for recuperation or introspection after dealing with being in the public (in their community), or self protection may be the focus after having to end cyclic situations. Someone may be called to meditation after dealing with unconventional experiences that may have caused mental anguish. It may have taken a long time to have positive change happen, or even the end of hardships. Some may have overcame adversity after having delt with some painful betrayal or backlash that they have yet to let go of. Progress can happen when a cycle ends, not when things continue to be dormant or stagnant; there needs to be an acknowledgement of these distractions & the desire to break free from what is keeping one stuck. It is probably clear of how overwhelming it may be to deal with conniving or manipulative people, & the emptiness of this situation is allowing it to run its course. There may be a lack of discipline to strive for stability, but the focus needs to be improved & committal. Growth can take place in the same breath as underdevelopment, which they call being a work in progress, & it is especially harder when discouragement sets in. It pays to have faith & to peak though the filter of expectancy, to understand what it means to be hopeful.

🐎

There may be some deliberate progress as someone needs to focus on working for they want, & there may be some self-doubt or paranoia that is plaguing them. Someone's focus could be to let go of regret or fear, but someone may be trapped in their own disillusionment. There is a guard up against anything that is not adding stability into one's life, but they are well aware of the hard work that will need to be put forth in effort. Some may need to recover from some less than pleasant situations that have put a damper on their confidence, or others may be coming to the conclusion(s) that trauma has caused ongoing cycles of pain & loss in their life. Things could be taking a long time to happen for someone or they could be experiencing delays, which is putting them on edge or is adding to their paranoia. Some of you may have to progress through the paranoia & the hesitancy in order to gain insight, positive change, & stability. There is a possibility for sunshine AFTER the rain, but a blocked intuition can only prolong the confusion of where to focus your energy; for some, it needs to be focused onto what is causing blocks. Someone is more than capable of achieving success, but there is a need to rise above a traumatic reality.

🐏

Someone may have a lot of energy & passion that needs to be channeled into stability but there is a need to rush at it. There is a fierceness that is instilling motivation in charging forward to one's goals, but there is also an impulsiveness that can't be ignored. This may be coming up for focus for some, while others are stagnant from inability to contain their own personal control/power. There is a hesitancy or lack of initiative to actually work through any creative blocks due to self esteem issues, which is causing someone to be ungrounded. The adherence to set forms of action can either be constructive or destructive, but the soul is calling for the discovery or overcoming of obstacles to the expression of the true self. It is important to understand what will need to be brought from under the surface into view, & there may be lack of clarity of what commitments will be bad for someone's growth/mental health (major focus here too). A reality check is needed for someone who is lacking purpose or avoiding issues/disarray, & the reason for this could be because of lacking self awareness as well as a general confusion/obscurity. There needs to be a clear understanding of what is bringing conflict with someone's goals to the point where it is causing delays, & for some it is a deep rooted struggle/discouragement that needs observance.

🌍

Relationships are at the forefront of someone's focus, as indecisions come up into question about partnerships. A situation that has been resisting a change or has experienced disruption/delays is needing to have a choice about reconciliation. This situation is being healed behind the scenes, & there is a building need to reinvest in a loss. Stress & hesitation is coming into play here as it seems this loss could be the source to much pain/heartache. It may be alot on your mind about this connection/situation & it is causing overwhelm around this decision, but there is the underlying need to focus on restoring control/stability. This situation that someone is holding onto is of the past, & for some this could be related to childhood memories/wounds. Growth can't persist if there is no letting go of trauma, & will no letting go of trauma comes no healing. You can't feel frustrated or impatient to achieve what you want to have, which collectively is coming up as love (take what resonates),& are exhibiting a scarcity mindset, when you don't apply the notions & the actions of actually getting there. The inklings & hints are there, though it is up to you to pick up on them in your time to yourself; also success is to be achieved through patience in this situation. Your reality has become what of some negative attractions that have gravitated, & the universe will react accordingly (cause & effect). For some, this has led to great sadness of the stagnancy they feel for hoarding these memories/traumas, while others have been feeling it this way yet have chosen to be numb to it. This is about inner child work being the focus this season, which is very appropriate considering it to be Cancerian to speak on family & one's childhood/upbringing. There's an imbalance on the scale of what you're putting your time, energy & emotions into, which is steering your path away from what you feel in your soul to be what you want out of life. You want to be more visible & seen in the world, & this is your higher self calling out to you; embody all if who you truly are & allow yourself to be seen.

🔮 Crystal for 🌍 signs

Chrysoprase. Grow from your heart out.

👰🏾

Someone is feeling a lack of clarity, or confusion, in regards to where to invest (whether that be energetically, monetarily, or materially speaking), & they are struggling to make a decision. There may be some fear of change or of making the wrong decision, which may be causing negligence of a situation. For someone, there is no letting go of negative cycles, patterns, or behaviors, which is causing stagnant relationships or connections. It is causing an imprisoning state of being due to the inability to progress in a treacherous environment. Someone is allowing themselves to be in difficult circumstances because they are ungrounded or unstable themselves. Things are bound to come to a crashing end, & it will be by way of emotional immaturity, vindictiveness, or a childish attitude. Defenses/initiatives need to be established against those who don't have your best interests at heart, but there also has to be awareness of this in order to create a strategy. You need to be in a state where you can catch the signs coming to you, but there first needs to be focus on the self. Someone could be dealing with one person or a group of people, & this can very well be directly referring to a work environment, even a(n) (old) friend or friend circle. There is a need for caution & discernment when dealing with these people; there would be one-sided distribution/reciprocation & the source of major stress/exhaustion.

🐐

This may be a time where it is realized that just as easily as success can be attained, it can also be taken away just as easily, if not easiER. Sometimes we have to take great care of what crops we decide to focus on, because we can overwhelm ourselves for too much. You may be tapped into a knowing of what is needed to gain prosperity in whatever areas are of focus, but it is now about how to morally maintain a good balance/standing in your own growth/awakening. There needs to be structure & development of the intuition, but the block is healing from the cycles that have kept someone emotionally/mentally stagnant. There is a need to have more mature relationships with other people, even within the family, & needing to find one's own individual success & fulfillment. The outside influences in this case are only a mere distraction to the ultimate goal (to grow) & should not be the sole focus for your foundation. There is manifestation energy here & it is strong within someone, but even if that's the case it doesn't guarantee that what will be manifested will be of one's greater good (if they are out of touch with this their higher self/inner child). If there is another person that wants to be pursued, the decision to make that move is through the energy of guilt & regret of a loss, to which the burdens of this need to be dealt with. There may be some sadness that someone has been resisting to allow to come to the surface, & that could be due to a lack of development in a certain area. Emotionally speaking, someone may need to be able to stabilize their inner currents & merge with them I order to find determination in your lessons.

🐂

There seems to be confusion & mental strain in regards to a partnership that someone may be having obsessive emotions over a connection or a person (there is a spectrum of "obsessive" where it can be in less extreme cases). Someone is still holding on because they feel there was a lack of closure that needs to be addressed. This can be someone who is sneaky or betraying in some way & rising above it is becoming somewhat of a challenge. In their isolation, someone is discouraged about dealing with a choice in reconciliation with a situation that was short lived, or reconciliation with the higher self. This is the tale of the Phoenix rising from the ashes, yet there is a need emerge from the darkness. Total destruction of what isn't working is the breakthrough that will proceed with happiness & harmony in your own life, but the choice to want this for yourself needs to be made. Someone's enthusiasm & focus is coming into question as they start to receive clarity about themselves & others. There may be a need to focus & examine the loss that is felt in an effort to release from what is blocking one's growth. For some this has been realized but there is a lack of discipline or goals to expand from. You may need to be able to emotionally adapt after needing to reevaluate your relationships (of any kind) or the people you may have around, & the first step to clarity is reaching an inner balance within the self.

🌬

There is an energy around a loss of something abundant & that creates harmony for someone. There was a belief that there was something better out ther for them than a passionate/creative new opportunity, & for most of you, it was money over a relationship, or something that ended up being financially codependent. At the time, it may have been seen as burdening or as too much responsibility that looked unappealing on paper, so someone felt it better to not put life into it, even if it came across promising at first. There is probably a lack of clarity in what is needed for someone's inner balance for a creative endeavor, & a decision to communicate this is weighing heavily on someone's thoughts & feelings. You may be coming to realize that the only way to having peace in your actions is by surrendering your power of choice to the Divine with complete trust, rather than giving your willpower to an external authority out of fear of making your own choices. There is a lack of direction in someone's goal, yet a substantial amount of passion & energy to get things started; compassion is needed when dealing with situations out of your control. A lot of this will have to do with removal from toxic situations or past wounding that can allow your growth to be stunted. It may be time for personal evolution through healing & allowing yourself to return to a natural state of peace once again. Someone may also be too stuck in the past or too focused on the future, with is creating a block/stagnation. Some may be a slave to their circumstances or situations, whether there be related to family, relationships, the workplace, or in general life, which can be contributing to their 'intuitive fog'. Signs & synchronicities are coming through for interpretation, but you need to be open to receiving them. You should trust the path that is before you, or the one that is calling for your redirection. What would you do if you knew you would be supported, would you take the leap or continue to hang back? This season is asking for introspection with your approach to these unpredictable situations, & keeping the buzz of positivity even in the face of uncertainty.

🌬

🔮 Crystal for 🌬 signs

Hiddenite. Claim your happy place.

⚖

It is easy to let things go with the flow if that balance has been established, but the cycles that are being faced is in order to learn the lesson of one's capacity for giving & receiving love. Someone is needing to express more affection for either one's soul calling/purpose or another person that has an emotional impact in their life/growth. For some, a call to action is coming up for focus, & it is based on who they are & their place in the world, while others are on a journey of assertion of self or discovery of the true self. Cyclic/orderly change or returns to the beginning after a cycle is complete in a way is allowing the overcoming of obstacles to true self expression. For some, there is this attention to imaginings beyond possibility when it came to material/financial gain, while others felt the jolt of shattered dreams after the presence of all material possibilities showed its hand; someone could have gone from soaring wealth to crushing poverty. At this time, you're tapping into your potential, which holds to the realm of love, beauty, pleasure & success, as concern for purity of devotion helps to shield you from people with tendencies to be arrogant or who hold to the realm power, strength & magnetism (generally of, but not limited to, a sexual nature). Be sure not to contradict your thoughts/feelings from your actions, as you are able to uncover hidden motives or aspects of the situation at hand & steer away from rapid actions off of impulse.

🤖

There is a sense of having to have their boundaries established against a controlling or chaotic force that threatens to keep someone stagnant, even if there is potential to make big decisions concerning someone's livelihood or general life plans/goals. There is also an energy of feeling codependent in a relationship for money, or only dealing with a certain person because they have/need money. This codependent person is an underachiever who has a certain thirst for power over love, & their only focus can be regarding status (a very greedy person in someone's energy field). This can also be an unfaithful, manipulative, or demanding person who holds within them insecurity, jealousy, & straight up anger or aggression. A divine connection can be at the forefront of something focus, past this 'karmic' person, & there is an awakening happening for someone who is out of touch with their consciousness or has a repressed intuition. The 'karmic' is putting a lot of their conniving spirit into them getting their way at all costs, but someone is needing to make a decision about leaving this energy behind. There is a fresh start happening, & it is allowing someone forgiveness of one's own actions or a life changing transformation initiates a rebirth. Someone's independence is coming into question as it may have taken someone a while before the dukly walked away from someone/a situation. As this time is a good time to feel their way to their next steps, someone's growth/development will be taking a more cerebral turn.

🎭

There is some conflict or disharmony that is surrounding someone's inner nature, & it is causing an emotional coldness that is creating an excess of an ego bound to rock the boat. Someone may be forced to take time out to rest or to be away from others, as there may have been a lack of enthusiasm or productivity when it comes to entering a new phase in their life. A transformation has to happen in order to point out negative patterns that are responsible for missed opportunities, or that shifts one's focus onto something positive. Someone is needi.g go take the time to shed the old ways of being/feeling that has created further instability, & for some this could be closely related to family dysfunction that has had a negative effect on someone's behavior. It may be a restriction from what can be achieved through hard work & dedication, but the process may be going really slow. There is a hidden passion & drive that has not yet been tapped into yet, & whatever it is that will need focus is regarding a creative project/endeavor. There is movement that is being blocked at this time due to the need of balance/direction, because the execution of one's goals may be off course of the actual inspiration, or the purpose behind it may be misconstrued. It may take.a lot of your energy to bring stability & illumination to the surface, but it will be worth it when one learns how to not get in their own way. Contemplation can help to understand what is next for you, or it can at least give you insight or where your focus should be.

*this reading is intended for entertainment purposes only, energy is fluid not linear, roles are interchangeable, this can either be happening to you directly, or someone your connecting with (family, friends, etc.) take what resonates, leave the rest*

[anythingyoucanimagine]

I just realized I never gave Amalia a proper introduction here whOOPS

*ahem*

Queen Amalia

Her full title, Queen Amalia of House Valenwood

Rules over a country surprisingly well, although diplomatic interactions with her country are often deadly.

It does not take much to get her to stab someone.

Her past

Her mother was kind, and cared about her a lot. She taught the young Amalia to read, and write, weave flower crowns, and sew... things a young girl in her country would often learn.

Her father, however, was... well, a king. He didn't care much for Amalia herself, his way of 'bonding' was teaching her to kill. He wanted a son, so he always resented both her and her mother a bit for it. Especially since the woman never birthed another child.

Although that may have been related to the fact that she couldn't handle his BS anymore, and simply vanished one night. Left Amalia a rose from her garden, but no other signs.

Her father took that as a bad sign. He treated Amalia worse after that, especially while searching for the former queen.

When he finally found Amalia's mother, he brought Amalia herself. Made her watch, as he cut the woman down where she stood.

Amalia changed quite a bit that day. Her father had called her mother a coward for fleeing from the castle, from their country- from their home.

She remembered that.

Years later, the king himself fled due to many attempts on his life, he was not so comfortable with the idea of himself dying. Left a newly crowned 18 year old in charge, dealing with a near-revolt.

It helped that she promised to come back with whatever supplies the cowardly king had stored away and give it to the general populace, along with his head on a pike.

She didn't really care about things, anyways. She liked swords, and flowers. She also quite enjoyed sweets, a fact that those who want to have a higher chance of survival around her learn very quickly.

When she found her father, he begged her not to kill him, to just let him live away from where she would be bothered by him. It was the first and last time she had ever heard him beg.

She laughed.

"But it's like you said~ Cowards and traitors have no right to live. It's what you said yourself, father! And if you didn't mean that..."

For the first time, her expression was serious. "... then I'd still have to kill you. I don't like liars."

He never lied to anyone again after that, but his head was also no longer attached to his body.

You can read the full story here! (There are a FEW things I added when writing this tumblr post up, because that's how it goes with OCs, but that's just her backstory anyways.)

When she got her familiar, it wasn't how you'd expect. I don't think she even knows he's her familiar- and she didn't know he was a goose at first, either.

He just sort of started attacking the door one day, and she had to stop the guards from killing him.

"That's an odd duck."

"W-well you see, m'lady, that's..."

"I'm keeping it."

And that's how she got a goose running around biting ankles and honking at people.

Her present

Now she rules her country happily, no one goes against her because she's quite good at striking down those that oppose the country itself...

... and those that upset her...

... or tick off her familiar, the goose. It's not hard to anger Jaskier.

He's kind of a dick, although her father was the one named Richard.

She's often found playing chess, and she's a surprisingly good player.

Claims that war isn't much different than a game of chess.

Someone points out that war is much more serious, and takes sacrifices.

She'll reply with "Maybe your wars, but I'm not a coward that hides in a 'command tent' relaying orders."

She hates commanders that don't join their men on the front lines.

Also the first country in her area to employ women in their army. She has given them legal high ground against the men, due to several incidents.

One man was brought specifically to her attention, because he was a high ranking officer with complaints from multiple lower ranking officers.

Everyone seemed to be pushing her towards pardoning him and shifting the blame onto the women.

She cut the man down, and then locked her advisors in a room with Jaskier.

They didn't last long, although Jaskier didn't kill them. They do now have multiple scars on their ankles and buttocks.

They are no longer employed at the castle.

A lot of times princes will come try to 'woo' her, and leave in a coffin.

She can't help it, when men try to touch her it triggers her fight or flight response thanks to her father and constant dangerous combat training.

She definitely leans towards fight in those situations. 'Run' isn't in her vocabulary.

Sometimes she'll have long conversations with her pastry chef, with whom she has a surprisingly good relationship.

That's why she has one rule for Jaskier, and it's don't fuck with the kitchen.

They still have to leave a bowl with food out for him to avoid him harassing servers on their way to, well... serve.

It's always an interesting time at the castle.

Everything Else

Neither of us know her future, I leave that up to fate and bullshitting our way through situations.

Demiromantic pansexual! (But she isn't really interested in sex or romance, she prefers chocolate and stabbing people. But if she got a good cuddle session in, she would probably cry and latch onto you forever.)

Made her own crown, rarely wears the typical gold one. She uses roses from her mother's garden, something she's continued to take care of- one of the few things she kept after her parents passed.

Has an interesting sort of magic, she doesn't even realize she uses it, but it makes fires burn brighter, machinery fail spectacularly, and increasingly odd things being found by the goose.

Even though she's a queen, she dislikes most nobility.

Nobody likes a bleeder, Karen.

They're too stuck up, they think everything is their right. She believes in needing to earn respect, and they never do. They often die in messy little puddles.

You can tell she's planning to kill someone if her hair is up.

She Cannot Be Stopped

Has inadvertently flirted with girls before and gets really confused when they get all flustered

She got the help of doctors and magicians to transition, although she didn't see any point to having tiddies so she's more or less flat-chested.

Enjoys the chaos of people who have never been in peril before panicking.

I think that's about it

If you have any questions, please send me asks I'm dying to answer some asks

[helloandwelcometomariasblog]

Review #69: Love in the Moonlight

I was going to write about this drama after I finished the last episode, but I'm halfway through and I just can't contain myself anymore.

This drama is such a joke. I'm honestly laughing incredulously here. Well, I'm up to the part where Yoonsung goes to fetch Raon with a bunch of guards behind him to - in his own words to his dad - "test the depth of his feelings for her". What a joke. You know and I know and he knows and we all damn know that he's too soft hearted to hurt anyone. And the writer is expecting us to believe that he would hurt Raon? The girl he's in love with? The girl he would go against his long-term friend and family for? The only girl he's ever liked even after frequenting a hundred kisaengs? Yeah, right.

That is this writer's biggest downfall. They're just too much of a softie. I'm pretty sure this writer fell in love with their own characters, so much to the point where they're too mushy-hearted to do anything bad to them. This happens multiple times throughout the drama, I can't even count. Nothing bad EVER happens to the characters. Well, let me rephrase that. Nothing bad EVER lasts for long with these characters - because the writer just can't bear to see them suffer for long!

Think about it. EACH damn time Raon and Young have to go through a tearful and heart-wrenching separation, they just get back together in the next episode or even earlier. The writer can't pull through with their own storytelling. The separation of the two main characters is always presented in this intensely tear-jerking fashion as though it's the hardest thing they have to go through, but in less than an hour there the prince is AGAIN, and all I can do is sit here and cry out in frustration because there are no stakes! How are we as the audience supposed to be sad and emotionally invested and feel like their love is a life and death situation when it just really ISN'T?

The examples go on and on. Think about the time Byeongyeon sacrificed himself for Raon and the prince. (Don't worry, Raon's unbearable passivity is coming up in another huge post of its own.) I actually liked that scene. I mean, yeah I love Byeongyeon as a character (more than Raon for sure) but his death meant something. It was an incredibly meaningful moment. You could see how much love he had for the prince and the entire scene was done pretty well, including the dialogue. And then what happens? HE DOESN'T DIE. Like, really? Okay, so he got shot by several arrows (and one of them definitely hits very close to his vital organs) and gets slashed by a sword and he still LIVES? So a hundred other people who gets slashed just once in the drama all die but this dude LIVES? Oh please. I swear, the moment I saw him lying down getting taken care of I wanted to smash the wall. That's not how it works! When you do that, you totally destroy the meaningful scene that you initially set up. If he comes back to life so easily, what was his death for? What meaning does it hold now? Ultimately, it tells the audience that nothing really is at stake, and that all of the "important" characters will come out unscathed. Nothing bad will ever happen to them. And what does this do? It destroys every ounce of tension in the drama. Nobody in the audience is going to ever feel that the situation in the drama is a life and death situation. Because it isn't.

That's really bad writing. One of the first things I learned in my screenwriting class was that you gotta put your main character through hell and you gotta have zero sympathy. You have to keep making bad things happen to them. The moment you become a softie, the tension just goes splat. It's really got to feel like a life and death situation and the stakes have to feel REAL. At the moment, the drama does none of that.

That's why I had to stop watching and rant when Yoonsung (of course) takes out his sword and slays the guards. Of course. I wasn't expecting anything else anyways. Who in the world would even think Yoonsung would do something other than protect Raon? Well, for a second I guess I was kind of hopeful - but only for a second, because the drama of course ruined it as quickly as possible. The drama never lets things simmer and turn bad. The writer is too weak-hearted for that. They probably can't bear to see any of their characters suffer for long. So of course Yoonsung would take out his sword but of course it wouldn't be to harm Raon. Of course he would stop at the SLIGHTEST squeak from Raon and start slaying all of his guards lol. I was trying really hard from not typing lol but I really can't help it. It's just too incredulous.

If only the writer would pull through with their threats. If only they would actually let things go bad. Then the tension would rise and rise and the rubber band would be pulled and pulled tight until all that's left to do is for it to snap and all hell breaks loose, which is when you reach the story climax before the happy happy ending. Other dramas do this really well. Especially when they make the main couple break up for reasons outside their control. You really gotta milk that situation. But this drama just can't do that and has never done it. It's supposed to do that the most right now, when there are only so many episodes left until the end. However, the drama DOESN'T do that when it most needs to. I'm so frustrated.

Don't get me started on how much I hate Raon. Well, more like, how much I hate the way Raon is written by the writer. Raon used to be a great character in the beginning. But the moment she falls in love with the prince - well, let's say "falls in love" but where's the evidence that she even loves him? I could write ten pages on how much Raon doesn't love the prince and how passive and wide-eyed she is while the prince actually loves her and ACTS it out ALL the time. Okay, let's have a pause here, and I'll go watch the rest of the episode (well, try to) before going on another huge rant.

If you're going to do a sageuk, do it like 100 Days My Prince or don't do it at all. Or even like Scarlet Heart. At least the stakes there were huge. So many people actually died and the main girl was ACTUALLY tortured. The biggest advantage of sageuks (compared to modern dramas) are the fact that the situations can get really life-and-death. This drama didn't use any of that strong point. What a waste.

Okay. I just came back from watching the rest of Yoonsung's sudden attack on the guards and wow. I was not expecting HIM to die. After all that ranting I did up top about how the drama doesn't pull through and doesn't kill any of their important characters, this is kind of a huge blow. But I have to say, I don't understand why he had to die. When Byeongyeon sacrificed himself, it made all the sense in the world - with his sacrifice, he was able to save Raon, her dad, and even the prince. But didn't Yoonsung lead the guards to Raon himself? He then attacked the bunch of guards himself. Then you see Raon actually try to do something FINALLY but it might have been better if she hadn't done anything this time, cause he clearly got stabbed trying to save her. I guess I just wish his death was worth more than this. I really liked him as a character and I still feel like the drama did him dirty. He could have died a more meaningful death. Not like this.

Now everything is being wrapped up and I honestly feel like there was no real climax in this drama. Maybe it's coming up. Let's see. But from the look of things everything is being wrapped up like a pretty gift box with no imperfections. Have I also mentioned just how much I hate the fade out transitions in this drama? I honestly hate it. It feels like a cop out each time. It feels like a lazy cop out instead of following through with the action that is presented at the time.

As the drama wraps up, I gotta say that I've grown to really love the second female lead. I started off disliking her (just cause I liked the main couple too much back then) and thinking she was just a plot device but she's shown a lot of character throughout the time she was in the drama. SHE is the one who truly loved the prince and actually acted it out each time. And just as I say this, here we go again - the writer lets her off easy, making the king erase her princess-to-be history and ultimately making her sacrifice useless and bland. Sigh. Just LET people sacrifice and be selfless and just let the audience see and feel the deep worth in that! Why you gotta keep taking that away from us?!

I have finally finished the entire drama. I loved Young as a character and I love Park Bogum as the actor who acted him out. Young was BY FAR the best character in the drama, followed by Byeongyeon. Raon was annoying until the very end and even seeing her smile was annoying me. All I could think of was the fact that she was lifeless and had no personality and didn't even properly love the prince and even despite all that she was standing in front of him receiving his love. The prince deserves better.

[thesoujishow]

S01E01 - Ken Sarukenka

[vaporwave lo-fi song]

Souji: Testing? Hello?

Ken: Yo? Sounds like it's working to me!

Souji: Ok. There we go.

[INTRO - glitchy transition music]

Souji: Hello, and welcome to the Souji Show. I'm Souji and this is a show where I talk about anything I want. 'Cause this is my show, and not yours.

Souji: This episode is sponsored by the peanut butter in Reese’s cups. They have the taste and the texture of a vitamin-enriched paste you squeeze from a tube directly into your mouth when you’ve been living in a bunker for 30 years because aliens invaded and it’s your birthday treat. Thank you Reese’s!

[MAIN - glitchy transition music]

Souji: For this very special, first-ever episode, we have a very special guest. You may know him as The Howler, or the other Ken, but to me, he's my monkey boy. Everyone, give it up for Ken Sarukenka!

Ken: Indeed, none other than the fantastical Ken Sarukenka.

Souji: Now Ken, tell everyone about yourself. Where are you from? What motivated you to go to Kyoranki? All that jazz.

Ken: I was born and raised in Kyoto and moved to Osaka around the start of middle school and been here ever since, my parents are Ippei and Meiko Sarukenka, better known as Great Ape and Statue, I am also a two time winner of middle school nationals in gymnastics, I was motivated to become a hero because all my life people around me have been heroes, my parents used to be, my brother is one and I choose this school because my brother graduated from here and it's reputation!

Souji: So, both your parents and brother are heroes. Was the decision to enrol at Kyoranki one you made on your own? Or was there added pressure from your family? How did they react when you got the acceptance letter?

Ken: Well, both my parents retired shortly I came into the world, I wouldn't say any of them pressured me but being overshadowed isn't very nice, yakno? I think it was mostly expected in a way, mostly because of my family really.

Souji: Speaking of being overshadowed, do you feel that you have the need to surpass your family in a way?

Ken: Yes, I feel that I have to surpass every single one of, my parents, my brothers I can't be remembered as the second or third best in my family, yakno? [dead serious tone]

Souji: O-ok. What was it like growing up with famous parents? Did people recognise you at all?

Ken: Well, growing up with famous people isn't anything special to me I get recognised every now and then, I met a bunch of other celebrities, I met a bunch of old guard heroes and a few newer once through my brother but it's not anything extreme I'd say. I'm more likely to get recognised now probably after I ended up on the news!

Souji: Speaking of being in the news, the Osaka Rising Star featured your fight at the provisional licence exams. Now I've heard from a little birdie that you didn't have the best time at the exams. Can you tell the listeners more about that? And what are your plans going forward?

Ken: Well... uh what can I say, I'll do the remedial courses and show the speaker that he was wrong to fail me right from the get go so he can go to sleep every night thinking that he almost stopped this world seeing the shining star of tomorrow! As for plans, train, complete remedial course and push forward the keys to everything in life.

Souji: Care to share on how you're planning to do that? What sets your apart from the rest of the Sarukenka heroes?

Ken: It's hard to say, are a bit different but if anything I'd say what sets me apart is the fact that I am none other than I and that I won't stop before I stand out even among them!

Souji: That's a very Ken answer. I respect that. [chuckle]

Ken: There is no other answers than the Ken answer, Souji. [little laugh]

Souji: Speaking of a shining star, let's shine the spotlight back towards the main focus of his podcast - me! Now, Ken, it's your turn to ask me questions. C'mon, don't be shy, ask anything you'd like.

[ASK SOUJI - glitchy transition music]

Ken: Well, I guess I'll throw the ball right back at you, why do you want to be a hero? Is it only because of Starlight or is there something more and how do you intend to stand out in this world filled with people like yours truly!

Souji: To catch the listeners up, I'm a big fan of Starlight. I guess I never considered a career in being a hero until I saw that special documentary episode of Speak with Starlight, what captivated me was his fans, there were a lot of them, each and everyone admired him and his heroic deeds and seeing the praise and attention that his fans are giving him, it sure was tempting. [laugh]

Ken: Inspiration is good, it helps you realise things doesn't it? Not everyone grows up in a family like mine where you are exposed to things the same way I was and I can surely see how it was tempting, I have been tempted by the shining lights that I have been surrounded with myself.

Souji: Inspiration can come from unexpected places, it's true that little things inspire us.

Ken: Indeed, I once felt inspired by watching a squirrel climb a tree! They always look like they are so free and have so much fun, so why shouldn't I do the same?

Souji: I'm great at climbing trees, we should really climb some one day.

Ken: I'd be down!

Souji: In all honesty, it was the fame and money that made me want to become a hero. It's a bit narcissistic, I know, but it is what it is. But during my time here, I saw what happened to the people around us. I want to be a helping hand in making a difference in people’s lives. Plain and simple. My family's poor so the money's still my number one motivator but it makes me happy knowing that I'll make the city a little bit better for everyone living in it.

Ken: I ain't gonna fault anyone's reasoning, being a hero is a profession after all just like being a policeman, fireman, doctor and so on, the only difference is the spotlight and the persona. Hopefully, you can throw your family a bone once you hit it off, eh?

Souji: Of course, I want to give back as much as I can. They might not be around as much, but I know they still want the best of me. Also, I want to travel. I've been stuck in Osaka for most of my life, and I love the city, don't get me wrong, but I just want to see what's out there.

Ken: Travelling is nice, but home is where the heart is wouldn't you agree?

Souji: Yeah, I wouldn't trade Osaka for anything. [pensive pause] Well, that got sentimental. Let's move on to our audience questions! These were submitted by our classmates in our group chat. Ready? Ok.

[Qs from the GC - glitchy transition music]

Souji: Fumi wants to know do you like bananas?

Ken: I like bananas in things but not really a huge fan if they are on, it's alright.

Souji: Kotoe wants to know your favourite genre of music.

Ken: My favourite genre of music is pop or rap, if it has a nice beat or a dramatic feeling I am usually down.

Souji: Kichiro asks, can you talk to monkeys?

Ken: No, I cant talk to monkeys believe it or not.

Souji: Taka inquires, does Ken-san take inspiration from Sun Wukong? That's some Chinese stuff, right?

Ken: Yeah my costume is mostly inspired by him, so his name hero name which means that one day soon I will be the Great Sage who rivals the Heavens!

Souji: Great Sage who Rivals the Heavens. [chuckles] Wow, that's quite the mouthful. We might have to workshop that Ken.

Ken: Yeah... A bit too long probably. [snicker]

Souji: I don't have any suggestions on the top of my head, but please don't pick a weird hero name like Monkey Boy, or worse - Monkey King! Plus, to be a sage, wouldn't you actually have to be, you know, wise?

Ken: In what world is that worse? I think you're going crazy over here and who says you need to be wise to be a sage? Not that it matters I am clearly the wisest person here!

Souji: Ken, that's literary its meaning, sage means wise. Well, it does sound very flashy, but maybe a bit too arrogant maybe? I mean, you can't even talk to monkeys, how can you call yourself the monkey king. You can still be Monkey Ken, though.

Ken: What do you think would be better then? I think Monkey King is a perfect fit if you ask me!

Souji: How about trying some alliteration?

Ken: Pfft, alliterations are overrated anyway.

Souji: I'm not sure if it's final but I was thinking my hero name to be the Neon Ninja. See, it's short, simple and easy to remember.

Ken: Neon Ninja? Sound like a flopped comic or video game, ain't ever gonna pack the punch you'd need it to!

Souji: Of course it sounds lame, that’s the point. You have to start from the ground up. Once people know your deeds as a hero, that’s where it becomes cool. Do you think Starlight’s name was cool when he just started out? No, man. Who name’s themselves Starlight? But, it became cool. I’ll make the Neon Ninja cool.

Ken: Starlight packs more punch than Neon Ninja though! His is like cool and mysterious, yours just sound like a old school retro game people forgot about, why'd you ever wan to sound lame?! Whatever you say, if you prove me wrong I'll eat my words but if you can't I'll be there laughing!

Souji: How about this. Why would anyone want to name a technology company Apple? It's not cool, or futuristic, it's lame. But with time, people liked their product and the name got cooler. See? It might seem lame now, but just give it some time. Like grapes and wine.

Ken: I don't know, maybe something about the apple of knowledge and all that jazz? Didn't really play attention in religion class, so I ain't too sure but either way I think something more high impact is better!

Souji: Let's just agree to disagree, monkey boy. Finally, Haruto wants to know if do you know da wae?

Ken: I know my way, perhaps its the right way for others as well just follow along for the ride and see!

[ENDING - glitchy transition music]

Souji: Well, we're nearing the end of our the show, Ken, is there anything you'd like to remind our audience, maybe plug whenever they can find you online?

Ken: Hmm, well I do guess I could plug some things I am on [X-Social Media platforms] with [X-User names] feel free to follow me!

Souji: You've been pretty cool to talk to, so before you leave, I have a special surprise just for you. I've embroidered it myself, and the shirt is from a downtown thrift store.

Ken: Ooooh. You really didn't need to do that, but I love it, it's adorable!

Souji: Thank you for being my first guest, Ken. It means a lot.

Ken: I don't know what else you'd expect, it's always cool talking to me isn't it?

Souji: To keep with the show follow me @thesoujishow, and to support my small clothing business, follow @glitchgear on all social media platforms. Once again, this has been Ken Sarukenka and Souji Yoshihiro, and you’ve been listening to the Souji Show! A show where I talk about anything I want. 'Cause this is my show, and not yours. Until next time. Insert catchphrase here.

[vaporwave lo-fi song]

[byjove-cannibalcove]

I would like to see a sort of phantom-of-the-opera themed fic, where Will works for the opera, not as one of the singers, but in the orchestra pit.

(long stream-of-thought summary of the story below)

Will is a very good player, and the orchestra MOSTLY likes one another, so everything is technically very stable where he stands, better yet that he has no aspirations to first-chair (which is more like being class president than anything, everyone in your section looks to you for queues and to match energy, it isn't actually a rockshow type thing) so technically he is quietly doing his thing. Very talented and stable, but not a magically amazing perfect player. He has earned his place and he doesn't show off.

But there is a newer guy, put into the pit because he’s the nephew of the new theatre owner. He is not amazing. He’s not the WORST either, but he tries to show off when he should be harmonizing, he plays too loud, and his bow transitions aren't as smooth as they could be. It is really only noticeable to the other violin players, the audience isn’t going to pick up on it, so they just grin and bear it.

Not always, but often, there is something like a ball in the front after a show. The rich patrons get to meet the singers, or the orchestra, whatever, and attendance is more or less mandatory. In the latest of these, Will meets Hannibal, who is very new to the area, had always made it a poitn to donate to theatres, but has only come to a few showings so far. Will cant quite fathom why, of EVERYONE at this party, Hannibal would zero-in on the man that most clearly does not want to be there, but fine. 

There is a bit where they shake hands and Hannibal turns Will’s hand over and says ‘i see you are one of the strings’. (technically that's lefthanded, lets say Will was caught off guard and was holding a drink)

Will is surprised, says yes, he’s one of the violins. 

Hannibal seems... pained... Asks if he is new and when Will says he has been here for a few years, Hannibal relaxes.

Will points out that he can tell Hannibal is a chef from the callouses on HIS fingers, and Hannibal is clearly pleased, though he of course corrects him. 

They talk a bit, Hannibal is casually asking about the theatre itself, who works there, the management, the actors, the orchestra. It's a nice conversation, honestly, Hannibal has actual questions and seems to know what he’s asking about, it’s not just mindless ‘i wish I could play an instrument but its too hard, i have a life, unlike you hahah’ type of chatter.

Will to point out the newest member of the strings, jokingly telling him that Hannibal now knows more about the theatre than the owners kid, “too bad YOU don’t play”

Hannibal plays a little, but not violin unfortunately.

The conversation is very mild, and the next weekend he sees Hannibal again, socializing a bit more, but a smile does pass between them at least, Will leaves early i bet after that exact ‘you must have no life outside of violin haha’ joke happens (which is technically true).

It is a complete surprise when, a week or two later, the (many) people who sleep at the theater come downstairs to the body of the new violinist, strung up from the rafters like a marionette, they might not have noticed if not for the pool of blood.

The police naturally are of no help, because this is the 1800s, it basically comes down to asking all the violinists if they had a grudge, getting overly aggressive with a few ,then deciding it was probably more to do with his wealthy father.

The very superstitious people are now acting like anything odd in the theatre must be the ghost of the violinist, and SOME of them think a ghost killed him. Its a lot of nonsense, but they are all artists and theater people so OF COURSE it goes to their heads, they start coming up with more and more dramatic stories, until nearly everyone superstitious (aka nearly everyone) is now in a PANIC over it. Will snaps at a few people over it, but honestly everyone is snapping at everyone so it is hardly noticed.

They are preparing for a new show and one of the dancers trips. It happens occasionally but they all FLIP and start saying she was shoved. A few of the actors are in hysterics over this, one of the singers passes out. They call for the theatre doctor (that was a thing, lots of people there and lots of injuries) (would this be chilton?) he comes, but also comes Hannibal! Will is strangely thrown off by this, he hadn’t really expected to meet him outside of those parties, or possibly ever again. Chilton probably starts condescendingly telling the female performers to all calm down, talks about hysteria, mass panic (which is true) but he's really shitty about it. Hannibal tends to the singer and calms her down, is really sweet and gentle in a way that will clearly have her falling for him. He might say something like ‘even if nothing but their fear is attacking them, yelling at them won't steady their hearts’

Will naturally does not fall for him (not even a little bit, even if he is totally charmed and okay maybe he fell a LITTLE) but he is invited for dinner at Hannibal's somehow and rides in a carriage with him and possibly even helps make dinner, i dont know. Hannibal maybe hasnt hired a maid yet and said his house is lonely.

They probably do NOT kiss, because 1800s, but that atmosphere is THICK

More accidents are happening at the opera because of panic and the fucking owner tells the audience they are haunted (either sincerely, in a ‘forgive us if it isn’t perfect tonight’ or a ‘isnt this exciting?’ way. Probably the first since his sons dead). This panics the backstage people MORE, the dancers tumble, the singers miss notes, its a MESS, Will cant help but laugh at it. (secretly, in the audience, Hannibal is amused too, he had not expected this performance to go well after all, and it was more a comedy story anyways)

Hey guess who is one of the set designers? Hobb! Hey did you know his daughter was the singer that passed out earlier? 

Do you wonder if Hobbs would kill a few of the other singers to move her up the hierarchy a little bit, disguising it as either a ghost or the original killer? I am 100% sure he would do that, actually, but that's just me.

(Abigail is  “little angel of music that could” but actually she isn’t nearly good enough to be top-billing, but TOO BAD Hobbs is going to kill his way up the ranking anyways. Lots of the workers are going to quit, but nope, he’s just-a-killin’ left and right, she’s going to be a STAR)

Will is subtly investigating these murders because it ISN’T A GOD DAMNED GHOST and possibly even getting Hannibal (who he is definitely in love with but won't let himself touch because Laws) to help him out on occasion. Will notices the pattern of Abigail always moving up, but technically it could be any one of a couple lower-ranking girls, he only notices Abigail really because it happens TWICE and her dad works there and doesn't seem worried for her.

He tells Hannibal, since he isn’t sure what to do with this since its basically just a feeling and the police probably won't listen (lets say he has a reputation as a weirdo or something, or some past scandal he doesn't want anyone looking into (gay? crimes? asylums? witch? Who knows, all, neither, Will wouldn't do well in the 1800s, he doesn't even do well in 2010)) so it basically comes down to confronting him directly and scaring him off. He takes hannibal with him.

It does not go well.

Betcha Mr Hobbs tries to kill Will

Betcha Will fights him off

Betcha Hobbs runs STRAIGHT for his daughter onstage

GUARANTEE he slits her throat,  because she is doomed to have this happen in every universe

Will does not shoot (why would he have a gun at his violin job) but probably beats him half to death, while Hannibal holds Abigail's throat closed

They both end up covered in blood ON STAGE (this is a rehearsal, which is why Will isn’t in the pit right now) and everyone sees it. 

Somehow everyone STILL ends up deciding that the phantom in the opera house had possessed Hobbs, somehow, because no right-minded man would ever try to kill his daughter.

Probably you cant survive a throat slitting in 1800s, but she does anyways, because Hannibal.

Hobbs is arrested, but largely for the sake of asylums and exorcisms or something, he’s alive and will probably see his daughter fairly often when she visits him, but she cant sing anymore so she might be demoted to set work (not HIS job but like... heavy hard work girls wouldnt usually do, because the other innocent set guy doesnt want her ending up on the street. she takes to the job well and will always have a croaky voice)

Probably Will goes home with Hannibal Abigail is stable, presumably because they are ‘both’ stressed and in need of comfort. They bath, seperately, but they end up in front of the fire less put-together than usual, comfortable clothes, and Will cant help peaking at Hannibal, trying to be subtle. Maybe Hannibal is like ‘maybe its not the best time to show you, but i bought you a gift’

Its a new and VERY fine violin, to replace his aging one, and WIll plays music for Hannibal, glad to find his shaking fingers steady on the strings, like they always do. 

Id like it if somehow they could dance, but i guess its not really workable. They definitely kiss, but Will pulls away from it and they go to bed separately.

Soon enough things wind down enough for Will to learn about murders happening OUTSIDE the theater, in other parts of town, and he will actually end up finally talking to Hannibal about his feelings. Hannibal is unrepentant, which Will takes to be because Hannibal is foreign. They kiss, and after several more dinners and things at the theatre calming down, these two FINALLY have sex, that whole deal, being 100% for-sure illegally in love.

 and just as suddenly, Will figure out that Hannibal is the RIpper

Will probably goes to visit Hobbs, to ask why Hobbs thought killing was worthwhile, but its so COMPLETELY not why Hannibal kills that it actually puts Hannibal into perspective for him

Will probably tries to tell the police that Hannibal is a killer. They dont believe him. Will outright tells Hannibal that he had tried to turn him in but it didnt work. Things are tense, but Will eats the meat and then they PROBABLY end up having rough+tender ‘i know you are a murderer’ vs ‘im a murderer who loves you, and to the police that love is the worse crime’ sex, because im trash

Let's then have a VERY public arrest of Will for (pick your fav, past or vague gay actions, general witchiness, insanity, being born in to a cult under a different name, i dont care, pick your poison) , which they caught after someone at the station recognizing him from SOMEWHERE but it took a few days for them to be sure from where. He’s arrested and of course put into the same asylum as Hobbs. They probably never even cross paths, but it doesnt matter, Will knows that they are in the same place for wildly different reasons, but in the end its all the same to the powers-that-be

Have Hannibal somehow save Will, possibly by already working at, coming to visiting, applying to work at that asylum himself, or maybe taking him out on ‘a walk’ and actually bringing him to a waiting carriage and running away.

Either way EVENTUALLY Hannibal manages to spring him, they run away together, both their own type of criminal, and it more or less ends on Will, very unhappily, deciding that if his life is a crime ANYWAYS, if his love for someone can have him sent to the same punishment, he might as well eat people, because fuck it. 

Uhh, but more angsty and poetic, he IS an artist after all.