#guaranteed that will absolutely not be happening

[inquisitornocturn]

NSFW alphabet no.11 - Maximillian Strauss

Okay, I'll admit, Strauss' brain was hardest to tune into so far, but I think I cracked that egg open~

Dear Regent was requested by a darling @makethemworse <33

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Assuming you are close to Strauss and not just a simple tryst that serves some sort of higher purpose, Strauss will make sure that you are alright afterwards. He’s not a cuddler, so do not expect that, but pampering an exhausted partner is not a lost art to him. So you will be given blood, made comfortable and taken care of before he departs. He’s not the one to stick around for longer than necessary, but Strauss is a gentleman and won’t leave you stranded to fend for yourself.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Strauss’ favorite body part is definitely his hands. You think he wears gloves as a fashion statement? That’s only partially true. He also protects them for the things he can do with them. From using blood magic, to exquisitely pleasuring his partner, the Tremere Regent finds many uses for his hands and fingers, therefore guaranteeing you a truly expert touch. On his partner, he highly appreciates legs. A classic look of them in red heels (clearly his favorite color) is a true weakness to Strauss and the most obvious one to any person who has access to him on the intimate degree.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

In truth, Strauss does not care either way. Whether to come in you or not, he will do as you ask. And he doesn’t have a particular fetish about you swallowing or playing with it. For him it’s just something that happens naturally, and no more worth mentioning than the weather.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

It will take a lot of effort, trust and time to get Strauss to admit that he’s much into blood play. Why such shame? Because he carries himself as above basic kindred “depravities”, citing blood as too precious to waste for activities like sex. However, he’s very much into it. Blood as lube is not just an AO3 tag for him~

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Very experienced because no matter how he presents himself now, an Elder and a Primogen, Strauss had his wild days and learned a lot during them. Showing that experience might be tricky, as mentioned above with his dirty secret, some layers of trust are mandatory to be peeled before he starts revealing just how exactly experienced he is. But once that happens, hold onto your ankles, it’s a ride you won’t ever forget.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Absolutely cowgirl, in bed where he can lie down and watch you bounce on it. It’s not that he’s lazy, not at all. Seeing your body move is one of the greatest pleasures for Strauss and he won’t ever pass the chance to pull you on top of him. Worry not, if you start getting tired he will help you out by holding your hips and fucking you upwards until you are too spent, reached your climax or are good to continue for longer.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Strauss is actually quite funny when he gets to unwind and drop the serious mask for once, so you can expect him to create an easy-going, very relaxed atmosphere when engaging in sexual activities. He’s not the one to mock or ridicule you, but he will comment if you get tired too fast or can’t handle a session. In a playful kind of manner, of course.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Very confidently Strauss does match carpet to the drapes. To put it clearly – he shaves. It’s a habit he picked up long ago and now can’t really go back on it. In life he was never the hairiest man so the nightly task is not too difficult, but he insists on doing it almost religiously. He also showers, perfumes himself and wears clean clothes every night even if he doesn’t really have to. For him – tidiness of one’s person means a certain status among others and he uses anything he can to show his.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

You are his focus when having sex. His research is forgotten, Tremere plights put on hold, Camarilla can definitely wait. Nothing matters but you. While not the biggest romantic, Strauss will still find his way to make you feel appreciated and loved without needing to recite Shakespearean sonnets. Even with small things like attention to your comfort, a word of encouragement or praise, a softer touch where he might suspect you’re hurting. In these small ways the Regent will show you that currently you are truly the only thing on his mind.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

A fan of touching himself, but not more than touching you. However, Strauss got a habit of masturbating during long nights when he was a younger kindred, especially during early studies of clan’s magic when he would spend a lot of time in isolation. He still has the same habit even if he does it less, but Strauss treats it as a way to relax, a pleasant pause during grueling studies and he takes his time to slowly stroke himself. Not exactly edging, but not hurrying to spill himself either, it’s one of the “finer” things that he enjoys without shame or hurry.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Bondage. And that means him being the one bound. Blindfold him, tie his hands, fuck him. While Strauss likes to see you riding him, there’s even more pleasure in suspense of what you will do to him. He does have his preferences, of course, but he’s confident and curious enough to agree to a variety of things and not knowing what you might’ve come up this time is part of the pleasure and excitement.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Tremere Chantry and to be even more specific – main ritual room. While he would deny it to anyone else that he has such desire to “corrupt” the room and the furniture there, that’s part of the reason why he keeps it locked for most of the time. Not only it gives him an extremely private location to have sex in, but also the thrill of combining sex with blood magic is something that gets him going quite easily.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

And speaking of blood magic, Strauss gets turned on not by what you show him or what you say him, but the idea of what he can do to you. Specifically, what magic he can use or even invent to elevate your sessions to the next level. He’s a very skilled Cainite, a powerful one too, so you might get surprised more than once with what he can come up with. Just don’t tell anyone else that Strauss is creating spells just for sex, not a good idea.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He won’t approach a potential sex partner first. If you show interest in him, that’s a good start, but if you wait around until Strauss makes the first step – you will wait until the world ends. And while he does pick up on hints, both subtle and not so much, he still won’t act upon them until you show open interest in him. Which goes same for bedroom for the most part. If you are not the one to suggest something different, he will rely on good old missionary. That’s not to say that he’s not interested per se, Maximillian simply has no time for guessing games and prefers if you communicate clearly. Once he knows that, you can expect him too to start suggesting ideas.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Equally enjoys getting and giving. While you suck him off, Strauss will let you lead and only comment if you do something he does not like, contrary to what he expects from you, wanting you to tell him exactly what you like. In his mind – he’s permitting you some mistakes, while he permits himself none. But, to your relief, you don’t need to instruct him much, because he sure knows what he’s doing when your legs are on his shoulders.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Maximillian is a connoisseur of slow and sensual. Why rush the good thing, right? Especially when his generally busy schedule prevents him from spending as much time as he would like with you. So expect long sessions full of sensuality, touches and experimentation.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Finding quickies unsatisfactory to the highest degree, Strauss will abstain from partaking in them even if you ask him really really nicely. No, the Regent won’t “lower” himself to a quick fuck, finding the act of sex a refined activity that must be done well and with proper attention. So if you’re looking for a quick relief, you better off doing it yourself.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

He’s definitely open to experimentation of almost any kind. He will also take dangerous risks, such as involving blood spells, to elevate the experience even further. While there have been some very close calls in the past, Maximillian won’t lie about that and will tell you exactly what such activities and games might entail. To him – fully informed consent is the sexiest thing of all.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Knowing how to preserve his energy and stamina, Strauss won’t run “out of breath” any time soon, but he won’t waste time or effort if his pleasure is not maximized. However, if it is, you are in for a long ride. Several hours not being out of the question and he knows how to take breaks and let you recuperate, but if he’s really having a good time, then there will be several such intense session, sometimes lasting all night.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

He owns some, but not too many. Despite that, he wields them like a professional and you won’t be disappointed. Strauss is also completely open to have toys used on him, no matter the kind. It’s all about pleasure and experiencing it fully for him, so he won’t deny a potential exciting avenue. But, obviously, won’t repeat it if the benefits weren’t worth it.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Maximillian is not the teasing kind, but that only means outside of the bedroom. Behind closed doors – he is very much the type. Teasing with words or actions until you’re sweating, begging and shaking is what he strives for and will happily indulge you when he suspects that you’re reaching your limit. Yet every session will test that limit further and further. He will research your body like he would research an ancient spell tome – with full concentration, attention and expertise.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

No matter how loud Strauss is, he will make sure you’re louder. But generally he won’t be too shy to express himself through moans and groans, especially when you’re taking charge of the act. Whether you’re sucking him off, fucking him in his favorite position or simply experimenting on him, you will hear when he likes something and you will hear it clearly.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Very fond of orgies. The more the merrier, but usually these types of affairs are very superficial. He’s there to enjoy himself physically and to experience something new, but no deeper connections are made. If you participate with him, you will notice that Maximillian pays attention mostly to you even if he lets others to experience his body, becoming quite passive. Experimentation, specifically of the sexual nature, is reserved for you alone.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Pretty average in length, but thicker. Definitely pale, quite veiny, the head is smaller than the shaft but very sensitive. Curved fairly noticeably and Strauss works that to his advantage.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Decent sex drive but he doesn’t show any of it unless he finds a partner he truly can be himself with. Which means that he trusts you to a high degree, if not fully and completely. The longer you stay with Maximillian, the more he will begin thinking about spending time with you in a sexual way and the more you will find him yearning for your attention. How long that might take though is hard to say, might be years, might be decades. Persistence, so to speak, is key.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Strauss only rests when necessary and you will often even find him awake during daytime, even though he is extremely sluggish and groggy on those occasions. So you will be the first one to fall into the day-sleep and he may or may not join you in that. Most nights, when you wake up, you won’t find Maximillian by your side, but he will always leave you a note, telling you where to find him.

[azriona]

Not a Fairy Tale Kiss, Chapter 39

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Avenger!OFC (2nd person POV)

This Chapter word count: 2.3k ~ Total Story count: 149k ~ This chapter is rated Mature. Chapters are posted on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and some Sundays.

Summary: When you and Bucky are both accidentally hit with sex pollen while on a mission, you're determined to keep your relationship status at friendship, even if you’d like it to be more. Even if you think he feels the same. Even if you accidentally end up pregnant. Even if it kills you.

(Spoiler Alert: it might actually kill you. Good luck with that.)

Trigger warnings include discussion of abortion, failed pregnancies, deaths of both mom & baby--not the MC! Full warnings on AO3. Happy ending is guaranteed, despite warnings. Please see AO3 for full A/N and tags.

Chapter Summary: In which you and Bucky finally have a long-awaited conversation… and Jarvis is the ultimate bro.

“Fuck,” says Bucky, more quietly now. “Bad enough you’re already living your nightmare, and I had to go and make it worse. Maybe you would be better off without me.” “No.” You open your eyes; he hasn’t moved, though his head turns down. You step away from the wall, so close you can feel the warmth from his body. “Don’t you even dare. And what do you mean, I’m living my nightmare?” “Darlin’. The witch literally gave you a nightmare about being pregnant.” “Oh for—” You bend down so you can get a better angle on his face. “Because I am pregnant, doofus. You leaving, that’s my nightmare.” He looks up, confused. “Me?” “Yes, you! You said you hated me, that you didn’t need me, that you didn’t want me—” “I never said—” “You did in my nightmare. And it was awful, okay? I died and the baby died and Steve kicked me off the team and Tony said I was worthless but the worst thing, the absolute worst thing was when you said how much you hated—” Bucky wraps his arms around you, tight, and you bury your nose in his chest. “Didn’t happen. Won’t ever happen.”

Read the rest of the suspiciously long elevator ride on AO3.

[arrow-guy]

.

[severebananapuppy]

Nah, Beth absolutely knew about the serum. She inherited quite a few things from her dad, including being a fucking troll.

I don't think he meant 'Ricks and Mortys fuck often', more that with the show taking place within a literally infinite multiverse where if you can name it, there's a universe where that happened (Hitler curing cancer, for example). Hell, even the Central Finite Curve is... Fucking massive, to put it lightly. If you multiply the probability of anything by infinity, the probability also becomes infinity, which means it's guaranteed to happen. So keeping all that in mind, it would be weirder if there wasn't at the very least one universe where that had happened. But it's not the universe the show follows, and I doubt it'll ever be addressed in the show beyond killing them in cold blood.

Man, poor Ethan. All things considered, that might just be the coldest, most Rick-like thing Morty has ever done. He did that in cold fucking blood and left him to crawl home.

The Vat of Acid was amazing. The fact that they referenced it with jumping into a vat of fake sun was probably the funniest call back the show has ever done, because you can just TELL where it's leading from the way they're falling.

For peeps of mine who haven't watched Rick and Morty (the correct choice tbh, you have good taste) here's a list of Random Bullshit that's canon in the show that you probably didn't even know:

Rick and Morty have hopped to at least two different universes to escape their various fuckups (three, if the universe where squirrels are sentient and control the government wasn't a weird joke) and the entire Smith family has jumped universe once.

Morty and Summer (his sister) have a canonical giant incest baby that lives in space named Naruto.

The baby itself was NOT conceived with intentional incest, but with a series of wacky shenanigans involving giant sperm, a horse breeding mount, and sexism.

Summer raised said baby mostly off-screen for like a month and taught it love and how to escape prison.

Rick has been pardoned for his Earth crimes at least three seperate times by pretending to be the turkey the President pardons on Thanksgiving. Somehow no time has passed however and they remain their normal ages.

FDR used to live in the basement of the White House as a giant spider creature. Used to because Morty burned him alive.

The show hates having canon SO FUCKING MUCH that Rick outright refused to even admit he had a backstory at all for four seasons.

One of the reoccurring villains is a guy named Story Lord who is legit just fighting for the show to have Canon Stakes and to give a fuck about its untapped potential. Rick and Morty both mock him relentlessly.

The many universes of Ricks made a government. Rick destroyed it. Then another version of Morty crushed the remains under his heel entirely to escape Rick.

The first Ricks to create dimensional travel realized there was a plethora of universes that weren't about Rick and sealed them away to feed his main character syndrome.

Rick's daughter, Beth, has a clone, but Rick ripped off their labels and spun them around in a circle a bunch of times before releasing one on the family and the other to live a Star Wars life in space. Even now no one knows which is which. The other Beth is called Space Beth and visits the house often.

Beth and Space Beth have banged. They then had a threesome with Jerry.

Rick has a mortal enemy named Mr. Nimbus who controls the ocean and police. Somehow. This is not extrapolated.

Beth and Jerry also had a threesome with Mr. Nimbus. It's implied Rick has also fucked Mr. Nimbus.

Rick became a pickle to escape family therapy. He stayed a pickle because he lied so well Beth took the serum because she thought it would hurt him.

The occasional season opener and ender is a weird fucker named Mr. Poopybutthole who just. Appeared one day. The show goes out of its way to leave plot crumbs on how Rick knows everyone else in his life but NOT Mr. Poopybutthole. He just showed up in an episode about parasites (he's not one, btw, that's the gag) and it's implied he's known the Smiths for years. Mr. Poopybutthole tells us all about his failing marriage and asks weirdly poignant questions about life and then tells the audience to keep tuned in to the current/next season.

Mr. Poopybutthole also canonically asked Morty, a fourteen year old, to marry him. It's implied Morty would've said yes.

The (ex) voice of Rick and Morty as well as the (ex) co-creator of the show casually confirmed that Ricks and Mortys fuck often and we just have to live with that.

Yes there's a lot of incest going on here. You get used to it.

Morty once deformed a man for life because he broke up with his sister.

Everyone in the Smith family has a body count in the hundreds and it's constantly being brushed off by authorities because the government can't kick Rick's ass.

Rick and Summer beat nazis in the streets for fun. Somehow conservatives love this fucking show. It's probably all the dicks.

The time police's entire fucking MO is beating whatever messed with time up while yelling "DON'T FUCK WITH TIME! DON'T FUCK WITH IT!" and Einstein, one of their victims, petulantly replied, "I WILL fuck with it!"

Rick has canonically fucked a planet, a collective, a woman with boobs on her elbows, a horse creature that lives underground, and ONE (1) human woman.

Morty also has/had a son, btw. He's most likely dead because he grew at an extremely fast rate and was in his mid-forties when we saw him last in season 1.

Rick once had Morty unintentionally murder dozens of Mortys to prove a point about his idea. His idea was a fake vat of acid with fake bones in a drawer to pull open and have float to the surface. He kept a gun to shoot a hole in any ladle they dipped in and a mediocre oxygen tube to stick in your mouth. This is a running gag and considered one of the best episodes of the show.

[nattikay]

friendly reminder that Neteyam is a well-adjusted kid who has a good relationship with his parents, that he tries his darnedest to be a good warrior because he genuinely looks up to his dad and wants to be like him, and that the idea that Jake and Neytiri are "forcing" him to be perfect, that they "stole his childhood" or that he's "not allowed" to be a kid, etc. are all pure fanfiction with little to no evidence in canon thanks bye

[angelsdean]

that scene where dean kills amy and then talks to her kid is actually so good. because his monster ethics are so clear. john would've killed the kid too. but to dean a monster is a monster when they hurt / prey on / kill innocent people. the kid hasn't done anything yet. so dean lets him go.

[insomnya777]

i genuinely do not think im mentally prepared for another life series rn omfg

[hestzhyen]

Kagurabachi 2025 Bingo Thing!

There's an image on the Kagurabachi subreddit made by u/omar99HH that one can use to make a bingo sheet of what they think will happen (or just want to happen) in the upcoming year. There's a stamp you can use to mark "completed" bingo spaces in the same post but I'm too inept at image manipulation software to use it, so I will be employing a bucket-filled red X in MSPaint just like our forefathers did.

Anyway, ignore my dumb wishes/predictions and go make your own before the first chapter hits on Jan. 3/Jan. 4th depending on your timezone!

[sergle]

Do you ever take suggestions for skirts to make? 👉👈

tbh!! the hydrangea skirt was one that I made because someone sent a dm about it! i'm always inch rested in suggestions! they're good for inspiration, i just can't promise that anything will come of it!

[subjxctseventeen]

i'm going to lose my entire goddamned shit

did any real people actually get a thermos? i'd be shocked at this point lol

[kuromi-hoemie]

feels so good being the person in charge of deciding whether our organization will use AI or not. I'm going to write an argument so strong... no we will not waste an ounce of our time and energy on what's essentially a bubble the IT industry Really wants to try forcing on people and is betting on/wanting so badly for it to take off. The real gut punch is at some point I'm going to compare it to NFTs lol

[hirazuki]

Haruno Sakura & Sasori; Haruno Sakura/Sasori (can be read either way), Uchiha Sasuke, Uzumaki Naruto, Sai, Yamanaka Ino, Hatake Kakashi, Kankurou

blank period | canon divergent | ongoing

It is two years after the Fourth Shinobi War and the world is finally settling down. Sakura’s life has also fallen into a steady routine of hospital shifts and increasing responsibilities, with a stability she hasn’t been afforded since her early genin days.

She should have known better than to think it would last.

[orion-kenobi]

can we talk about the absolutely amazing job stargate sg1 does with jack and daniel’s dynamic? they’re so different and yet so similar. their perspectives and moralities are completely different, but i think they have the same flaws: they both believe their perspectives are correct, and they both let their emotions get the best of them. because of that they’re capable of being so mean to each other. and i love the fact that their morals are the source of most of their conflicts, because i don’t think i’ve ever seen a show where two characters major difference is because of their morality. and it makes the audience think, because in most situations where they disagree neither of their approaches are really wrong.

[smallblueandloud]

i've been SUPER blocked, fic-wise, this month. but i'd really like to write a bit and get another story out in time for june! so i'm gonna think out loud for a little while

here are the fics i've got ongoing, and why i'm stuck on them:

éponine de bergerac: the next scene is a complex one, with éponine meeting cosette's dad. i don't really trust my ability to write jean valjean, nor do i really know what purpose this scene has to fulfill, other than jean approving of éponine. this isn't really based on a scene in cyrano itself or roxanne (1987), so i kinda don't have a road map. maybe i just write a little bit of the dinner and then move on? but then i have to solve my overall plot problems. oh shit the balcony scene can happen over text can't it. okay. i'm gonna investigate that later.

universal translator malfunction: unfortunately the dark side of writing casefic is that you need a case underneath it all. i don't know what's causing the malfunction in the first place. i've written every scene that got me to start this fic in the first place so now i have no idea how to resolve it

natlaura soulmates installment: i realized a few days ago that clint has to get kidnapped and now i'm procrastinating writing this casefic, too. it needs to happen, we need JUSTIFICATION for clint and nat hiding laura away, that's the whole emotional tension of the fic. unfortunately i don't feel like writing a kidnapping, especially trying to figure out how to convey natasha's competence from a civilian (laura's) perspective :/ maybe i'll figure out how to include melinda may somehow, that might make it more fun to work on

quarrel (13 meets mickey/martha rewrite): tbh i've been vaguely thinking that i should rewatch s11 before i go back to writing 13. which... i don't think is necessary, to be honest, given how superficially 13 is characterized in s11. i think most of the problem here is just procrastination and a bit of boredom.

and then some other vague ideas i could try to flesh out...

now that s14 is over i want to write something for doctor who. i'm really debating what. i kinda want ruby to hang out at the temple-noble house but the existence of tenthree makes that feel sour to me -- i don't like that there's a doctor chilling on earth who's presumeably ignoring every former companion who's within driving distance. but maybe tenthree is just conveniently off-world or something. maybe the family is hiding tenthree's existence from ruby? or maybe ruby meets tenthree and realizes he's fundamentally the doctor but Still Not Really Her Friend.

oh. relatedly. the memory TARDIS reminded me about all of my TARDIS feels. i would love to write a fic related to the TARDIS, esp the TARDIS kitchen (kitchens are my favorite space in basically any universe). hmm. maybe this could tie into my ruby sendoff.

oh as always also the ever-classic: the fam meets jack harkness but instead of realizing he's a friend, they hear the way he talks about the doctor and assume he's the master.

okay i'm gonna try to talk about non-doctor who ideas now.

leverage ot3 getting-together fic that my good friend basically outlined into my dms and now i really want to write because it's so good. i'm not sure i have faith in my ability to keep ahold of the relevant emotional threads but hey it's probably worth a shot.

i literally have no idea what but i want to write something for the fast and furious series. definitely something featuring mia and/or letty. maybe about hispanidad. and also queerness.

luke and leia force dyad? five times they shared something? quantum entanglement from beru's perspective? han figuring out about the force bond at some point, possibly before the twins themselves?

...a scene set in the fullmetal alchemist version of the xmen. mostly i just want to talk about jean grey, flame alchemist, and her longsuffering assistant lieutenant summers.

that fic i keep talking about where yelena and natasha meet clint and yelena cannot fathom how deeply natasha trusts this guy. unfortunately this one would be super noncompliant with the black widow movie but, like, not in obvious ways, so i'd have to MAKE that obvious, and it would get clumsy pretty quickly

...so i'm clearly not DOOMED, okay, i have a BILLION ideas. i just have to sit down and write them!

maybe tomorrow i'll go the library after my nice fancy brunch that i've already planned out. that would be a lovely saturday treat

[djarinsyndulla]

Can’t believe it’s controversial to say setting yourself on fire to make a point is stupid and pointless but here we are

[anaalnathrakhs]

i am going to be fully driven insane by having to live with my parents