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wally-franks · 2 years ago

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hiii hi im here with my liddol hcs for u... looks up at u with my big sad wet eyes. this is my silly little au ,,, i love urs tho n would love to hear the angst bcos. theres so much angst i left out too fjrjfhie

ok so WALLY- little guy but absolutely not stupid. like he knows whats going on BUT hes just. a little silly sometimes. low braincells but can piece stuff together and is careful. carries a knife with him. does not want to get into trouble (excluding pranks ofc. loves them) uh. 147cm, transmasc, and pan. his hat is very important. i actually just finished making his hat but thats a different thing fhjrjf

talks a LOT and has a gossip group with norman n susie. but its all in good fun. n u know thomas is him boyfriend. they pretend to be Mortal Enemies but at home they r so so soft... they must put up a front at work because they are scared of how they'll look in front of other ppl. if only they knew that probably like 2 ppl total in jds were cishet fbjrj,, he has that audhd and his silly little catchphrase is everything ok.

thomas- too tall bites him. i mean. ahem. 183cm and bisexual. very closed off from people but will not hesitate to confront people. very touchy about the machine cos its his "best creation" or whatever. ok stupid college boy but go off ig. (i love him sm)

basically just there to get work done. he acts smart, looks smart, but hes "stupid"... not in the way of logically stupid, he is just very silly sometimes. also he smokes. i mean have u HEARD his voice (affectionate) he has 5 older brothers n his family is very sweet i think. gnaws on the thomas plush part twenty million

and finally SAMMY- very very stressed so he yells a lot BUT he does a softer side in private. he just needs to front as mean and irritating with everyone to keep his image up :(( grr squishes him very hard. transmasc and gay bc. he just is. does not like joey but then again in my au nobody really does but thats ok<3 back to sammy the babygirl. he is 168cm and his "partner" is jack... but we all know... the silly... also probably helped johnny learn the organ/piano. because it needs to happen

if u want 2 know more or have any questions my dms are open >:3c sorry for th ramble!!! fjrjeh

Hii!! I'm so sorry this took so long to get toooooo. I had to inhale this text for a bit and let it sog into my brain xD I always need a bit to take in muchhhhooss information (nothing bad btw just me being me hehe)

AND YEAHHH.. I should maybe talk more about angst. But at the same time I'm like. Naurrrr... Naurrrr... I really live by "there's always so much negativity and sadness in this world, no need to add more to it" SO I ALWAYS HESITATE SHARING ANGST AND SAD THINGS!! CUZ I'M LIKE!! WHY BE SAD IF I CAN HAVE FUN STUFF WITH STUFF THAT MAKES ME HAPPY </3 + most of it is just killing and torture anyway and euhm. Those tend to trigger ehm negative stuffs in me anyway :') Mostly just hallucinations and shit thoughts but!! You know, when there's a good time to share some of that stuff, I will!! :3 or maybe I share more about my toon Alice. She's a bit more tame about with that stuff. Anyhow. This is about YOU and not me. Soooo I'll go now through your stuff >:)

Wally being like that is true, that really fits to him!! He's just a silly that takes his his time to piece stuff together and that is okay :3

And OMG, mine also carries a knife around :D I just think it makes so much sense for hi to do so.... He's encountered moving ink puddles before, might just aswell carry a knife til. I feel like it also makes more sense after we saw his hat and a knife at artists rests (+ the April fools video hehe). Also, him being transmasc and pan is so funny because my old version of wally used to be exactly that aswell!! :D I changed that though, but again something very fitting for him. I loev your wally. He's so silly. AND SMALL!!!??? like damn OMG I didn't expect him to be that tiny. I could just launch him /lh

(Wally being a little gossip girly pop is so funny and real HAHAHA )

Thomas's and Wally,s relationship being like that is exactly how I envisioned it xD I love that for them so much.

And.. DAMN!! IM ALMOST AS TALL AS THOMAS BOY!! I thought yours would have been MUCH taller. Guess I was wrong. That's so interesting.

Also yeah... He definitely smokes. He smokes so damn much, probably several packs a day LMFOA. It's not to miss with a voice like that xD. You'd have to be insane to not think that.

Besides, BIG FAM FOR THOMAS ALSO MAKES A LOT OF SENSE!!

SAMMY BOY!!! SAMMY BOY!! I've been so keen on hearing about him!!!!! Wa'hh!! We love publicly intimidating and soft at home Sammy I love that so so so so so much waghahahhhh!! And he's also way smaller than I thought,!! Another suprise here :D but nothing bad. Just me being like woah?? In taller than him. ALSO, HIM AND JACK BEING A THING?? YAY!! I LOVE SAMMY AND JACK TOGEZHER WJAJAJAJ AND OHOHOHH JOHNNY MOMENT. JOHNNY MENTIONED *POINTSSS*

AND YEAH I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF I WANNA KNOW MORE. AND DON'T BE SORRY I LOVED THIS SO MUCH.. ERMMMM. IF YOU EVER WANNA TALK MORE ABOUT YOUR JOHNNY *twirls hair* I'd love to know what he's up to in your AU. Where he's mostly at!! Mine is first at the music department but then gets moved down to lacie and Bertrum, so I'd love to know where yours at!! And his personality too. That's the thing that interests me the most!!! Giving a character who has no info at all jngame a personality is always so cool and interesting to see :D everyone has like their own way of seeing and imagining characters.. I'd die to know how yours is!!!!

#long post #ask #reply

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bigskydreaming · 4 years ago

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Ugh this Death Metal book starring Nightwing, Cyborg and Starfire is gonna make me scream. Cuz it SHOULD be something I love, those three FINALLY getting to be like....front and center and TOGETHER in a New 52 title, for the first time in ten years.

BUT.

LOLOL the title’s main cast ALSO includes Lex Luthor, and guess what the writer has to say about that?

“There's also Lex Luthor in it with the stuff he's tied into with Death Metal. You'll see these parallels between Nightwing, trying to find himself again and trying to understand who Nightwing is now, and then Lex being the same way.Both Nightwing and Lex both fell from grace in the last few years, right? Dick went through what he went through in his title, and now he's on his way back. And then you look at Lex and the whole 'Year of the Villain' stuff – being rejected by Perpetua and is now trying to find his way in this new world. You have these two characters on these similar paths, which has made this book a lot of fun to write.“

First off - zero confidence in this writer’s take on Nightwing from the get go, even though he claims the book is centered on Nightwing and its his POV, because I’m sorry, if your take on the last couple years is Dick fell from grace as opposed to Dick got fucking shot in the head and lost his memories and was manipulated by every villain under the sun while his family sat on the sidelines and took shots at him for....not being the Dick Grayson they��re used to like....

You have a bad fucking take.

But secondly, like, literally nothing in the above excerpt, or the following:

So, like read Hawkgirl's mind and be like, Oh, you're super pissed at Lex. Like you totally want to kill Lex. You blame Lex for what happened and that's justified. You should totally do that and manipulate her in that way.

Or with Nightwing and be like 'You're still feeling like you messed up and lost your memory for a while.'

Sorry, quick breakaway again to yell WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Can you really not think of ANYTHING else to do with Dick in his recovery period other than immediately zero in on “oh he feels like he messed up and [active voice as in it implies its something he DID rather than was done TO him] lost his memory”....

As opposed to, no, he got fucking shot in the head and manipulated into amnesia and behavior alteration while HE. WAS. IN. A. COMA.

Like........my confidence that this writer is at all going to prioritize even one character going up to Dick and going uh....you know that’s not like....your fault right? You have zero responsibility over anything that happened or ‘you did’ the past year given that YOU HAD ZERO CONTROL OVER IT.

Me: The confidence does not exist.

But to get back to that above quote about Hawkgirl and Lex Luthor.....

With the clear focus on everybody being mad at Lex Luthor for his role in screwing over the whole universe - which, I mean, valid - its just....but still....

What are the chances, does it sound like....

That even in a title that according to its own writer is Nightwing-centric, ABOUT him, HIS POV, and him dealing with and recovering from everything that’s happened to him in Rebirth aka the past several years.....

There’s going to be any degree of large focus - IF ANY AT ALL - on the fact that pretty much ALL OF IT is the direct fault of one of his primary cast mates here...

LEX LUTHOR.

Aka the guy who murdered him.

Leading to him being coerced into taking the Spyral mission that separated him from his family for a year and led to further estrangement from his family after that year as they all not-so-lowkey hated him for this.

A Spyral mission during which Lex further messed with his head by revealing oh hey, those implants you had to get put IN YOUR BRAIN for the mission YOU DIDN’T WANT TO GO ON were actually designed BY ME YOUR MURDERER and give me a secret backdoor into your mind through which I can literally MAKE YOUR BODY DO STUFF WHETHER YOU WANT IT TO OR NOT.

All of which was followed by....

Barely a year after his return from Spyral and ‘reunion with his family’....

Getting shot in the head, losing his memories, being manipulated by the Court of Owls.....

In no small part due to....oh yeah, magic brainwashing goggles given to his evil great-grandpa BY LEX LUTHOR, for the express purpose of....

Fucking with Dick’s head, trying to turn him evil, and all for no other purpose than just one more way for Lex to fuck with the entire universe.

All of that is on Lex’s head, directly.

All of that, Dick should have EVERY REASON IN THE WORLD to be actively hating Lex Luthor and blaming him for so much of the shit in his recent life - instead of himself BUT I DIGRESS -

Let alone sympathy from his supposed friends on the cast who are also in the writer’s words supposed to take note of how much Nightwing’s recent struggles have changed him.

But what are the chances, do you think it sounds like, that with the focus being on grr all of us hate Lex because he engaged in typical Lex Luthor behavior that should be no surprise to any of us ever and that screwed us all over equally....

That anyone - let alone Dick himself - are going to be written spending ANY time even acknowleding - let alone FOCUSING - on how much MORE Lex has fucked over Dick Grayson and his life in particular, and in pretty much EVERY POSSIBLE WAY AND EVERY POSSIBLE ASPECT OF IT.

His personal agency, choices, career as Nightwing, ties to his family, closeness to his family, even ability to BE with his family, his vulnerability to the specific people he hates most aka the Court of Owls and then not long after the Joker himself, who utilized the same methods as the Court to brainwash Dick....

ALL of that is DIRECTLY a result of Lex Luthor’s actions in regards to Dick.

Dick’s entire LIFE throughout pretty much all of Rebirth has been DEFINED by Lex Luthor....even though Lex Luthor has pretty much only ever throughout all of this been written as regarding Dick as anything more than a footnote, entirely incidental to his plans.

But again - what does it sound like the chances are that ANY of this will come up in this title, let alone be given any degree of actual FOCUS and DEPTH to exploring it?

LOL, hey remember that time I said “weird thought, but what if it were treated as though Dick feels as negatively and intensely towards the guy who murdered HIM and blew up his life as Jason is written feeling negatively and intensely towards the guy who murdered him and blew up his life.”

Hahahahahahahahahahaha get it? Its funny, see, because lmfao as if that would ever happen.

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starrysamu · 5 years ago

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a kyoutani rivals-to-lovers not!fic pls ma'am 👀👀 dump yr brain on me grr bark bark

HECK YEA SOUS CHEF ily grr bark bark ok here’s how i’d write kyoutani rivals to lovers !!!

scene 1:

so we all know kyoutani is not one to speak much ... but for some reason he sees u for the first time at like orientation or something and u just IRK HIM. for like. no reason

and then it just ends up being that you guys are in the same major

and u know what??? he irks u just as much. like the face he makes when he’s around u .. it irks u. so anyways it’s this silent agreement that you just really irritate each other

scene 2:

you guys see each other like all day every day you literally have the same classes because you guys are in the same major !!

this is really where ur rivalry begins. a silent competition in the grades, in impressing the teacher, in presenting the best projects, etc.

and ur like. can i catch a mf break. and he’s no u motherfucker keep up or get out

scene 3:

you guys are like third years now and ur mf exhausted. like not only has school burned u out but so has this man

and like you’ve been to so many major specific parties and shit and man u r just feeling really confident one night

and u see him at a party and ur like ??? what the fuck is ur deal dude i didn’t even do anything to u

and he’s all i could say the same for u

and ur like ??? r u telling me we just wasted our time like that

anyways you start getting super mf confused with ur own feelings ... like u hated him but ur so tired and now that you had a lil discussion you’re beginning to think why you hate this man but u really cannot come up with anything

scene 4:

anyways you don’t speak to each other in class at all. everyone’s like did they finally break

but yes in fact yall broke each other. fr yall in each other’s heads rent free like that

anyways. conveniently. yall get assigned for a project together!! gasp .. the timing!!! the flavor is just so impeccable ???

scene 5:

the first project meeting is so terribly awkward ur sipping on ur cawfee and he’s like what the fuck am i supposed to say to this person i’ve supposedly hated for like two years

so you manage to somehow come to the conclusion on the direction of the project finally

scene 6:

various collections of your meetings together

you can sort of start to see them sort of being like okay this person is not as bad as i’d made them out to be and then slowly they just start spending more time with each other chef’s kiss

scene 7:

the project is done! you guys presented it flawlessly but this was expected since you guys were both at the top of ur class just competing each other and leaving everyone behind in the dust u know

anyways ur all like kinda boo boo that it’s done and that u don’t have an excuse to keep seeing him so u feel awfully bold and start texting him about ur other classes together and he’s like vibin or whatever ur vibin together and ur feelings r like woahhhhh whirlwind up in this bitch maybe i like this kid

scene 8:

so i really think ur gonna be the bold one when it comes to this romance stuff. like kyoutani grr bark bark is BOLD but when it comes to this dept i think he’s lacking. so ur like ... do u wanna go to our next department/major event together

and he’s like short circuiting i can just see it he’s like i wanna say yes but i don’t wanna come off too strong but i also don’t wanna scare u away type shit

anyways. mans forgets to respond ngl

scene 9:

ur at the party all peeved bc u thought u had sumn going with that mans but u see him and u get all irked again

and he’s like listen i was gonna say yes i promise but i just forgot to respond

and ur like or u went back to hating me for no reason

and he’s like no grr bark bark i think ur super neato and i would like to take u out sometime for realsies

then u go out n everyone’s like gasp i knew it was coming

bonus/epilogue:

the next semester starts and everyone lost track of what u guys were doing

and so u guys r sitting in class competing again and everyone’s like tf. i thought they finally stopped that shit

but even if ur still competing, yall ended up together it’s mf cute as hell

ummm i tried to write this based off of my perception of kyoutani grr bark bark but idk if i got it right i tried my best please accept this also this one got so mf LONG for WHAT !

#dis got so long #citriiiiii ily #citri 🍊#remy's restaurant

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trixcuomo · 5 years ago

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The Kaja-Cola Flava Girls Reunite

((Welcome to my very fangirl headcanon for Trixany and my femme alts. Something cute, needlessly complex, and over-the-top for you to enjoy <3...))

youtube

Daily Mail Org: Zug zug folks, here we have it! Hot off the presses... the Kaja-Cola’s premier girl-band that helped spread the message of this exceptional Goblin party drink beyond Kezan, beyond Goblin lands, and tear into new world markets... And I mean literally, last week. They almost danced a man to death on the Stormwind tram in order to sell him Kaja-Cola... They’re back! In The Daily Mail Org studio today, we have all six of the original Flava Girls. Well, not so original--the newest addition, lucky lady number seven, is a beautiful Nightborne goddess.

Arcana Mama: Haha--yes, Arcana Mama. That would be me.

Daily Mail Org: Wow, she even has a sweet speaking voice.

Flava Girls: *all giggle and cheer*

Daily Mail Org: This is amazing. Your old fans, especially the Trixany Cuomo fangirls and fanboys out there, have to be thrilled. Today, the Flava Girls are officially no longer a throw-back.

Trixany: That sounds a little insulting, you know. We’re just grown--we’re all full-grown ladies! *laughs* We know what we want and we’re not taking any prisoners this time. Right, ladies?

Flava Girls: *wild cheers, wolf-whistle*

Daily Mail Org: Oh, of course! That’s what I meant. And Trixany has been the lead singer. It’s her successful parody career that ignited the spark for the Flava Girls to come back, am I right? You wanna talk about that, Trixany?

Trixany: Well, it’s no secret that the band sort of went its own way when I broke out. I wanted to go solo, see what I could do. But the girls were always there for me, we kept in touch...

Daily Mail Org: Uh, really? You destroyed their careers single-handed and we’re supposed to believe you were having wine-and-cheese nights, holding hands, crying on each other’s shoulders?

Mega Meghan Mango: *husky Tauren voice* Spiritually, we were always connected. Even when we weren’t talking to each other, we were attuned to what was going on in each other’s lives. The band wouldn’t be here today if I didn’t get on the scrying orb one time and tell Trixany, “Look. I can see what that rivalry with Haris Pilton is doing to you. I can see it crushing your soul, Trix. This isn’t you.”

Trixany: Oh my gods, she’s so right. I can’t believe I forgot about that! Now I remember, that was Meghan and Jojo, right? Where’s Mojo Jojo? Why are you sitting way back there, girl? Come on, scoot up so they can see you.

From left to right: Mojo Jojo (Troll), Shuga Slam (Orc), Fiesta LimeTrixany (Blood Elf), Cocoa Crush (Goblin), Mega Meghan Mango (Tauren).

Mojo Jojo: *chill Troll voice* Ya, ya, mon. Dat was me and Meghan. I asked miss Trixany-mon, ‘What joo gonna do about dat nasty richmon Haris? Dis needs to stop right hea, right now.”

Trixany: And Jojo, you said something about a loa... By the Sunwell, I can’t remember that part exactly, it was good too--

Org Daily Mail: Did Mojo Jojo try to sign you up with Bwonsamdi, Trixany? That sounds more like a career-ending move to me.

Mojo Jojo: *cackles wildly*

Trixany: That’s not at all what she did--

Mojo Jojo: No, no. I tol’ her that she betta make a bargain with Kimbul quick so the tiga loa can tear dat witch up for spreadin’ dose rumors.

Arcana Mama: Oh my word... No she didn’t!

Shuga Slam: *orcish accent* Yes, she did. She did it for the Horde!

Trixany: Hahaha...

Cocoa Crush: *goblin siprano* Yeah, that’s totally something Trix would do anyway on her own. If not Kimbul, then she would have paid the Goblin mob or something--

Trixany: Oh my Garrosh--Don’t say that out loud!

Org Daily Mail: Wait, did she? What’s that sly smile, Trixany?

Trixany: Okay, so I did sign on with Kimbul for a while during BFA--um, didn’t everyone?--and maybe Haris Pilton’s career did tank for a while. But was it a coincidence? You decide. Remember when she fell off the stage during that Consortium fashion show last spring? *shrugs* I don’t know if I believe in the loa stuff. As a Blood Elf, I guess it’s probably against my brand--

Mojo Jojo: Ya, I don’ tink you should claim dat.

Trixany: ...But at least now Haris does. She’s a devout believer in Kimbul. I hear she’s sworn never to go to Zuldazar, for fear of him.

Org Daily Mail: ...Ouch. But Trix, can you finish up the story for us? What happened to make you go to the Kaja-Cola Company and get the band back together?

Cocoa Crush: No, I should tell this part. Trixany wasn’t actually thea.

Trixany: *frowns, but tries not to say anything*

Org Daily Mail: What’s this? More sibling drama!

Cocoa Crush: I told the Kaja-Cola Company that people need thoughtless entertainment these days. Tha kinda fluffy, pathetic, ‘I’m dancing in a tube-top, look at me’ stuff that only my big step-sista Trixany could provide. And they agreed with me. Let’s not lie, I’m the brains hea. The fourth war was hard on everyone, and it was about the only way the company could get people to start drinking Kaja-Cola again.

Trixany: ...Yes.

Org Daily Mail: Trixany? Is that all you have to say?

Trixany: Legally, yes. That’s how it happened. Except for that tube-top jab my sis squeezed in there--

Coca Crush: After you drunk butt-dialed the Kaja-Cola Company for the last time, you betta be lucky I’m still even speakin’ to ya. I’m always cleaning up my step-sister’s drama. Ironic, too. They were getting ready to call Horde Records and have them drop her butt!

Shuga Slam: Ouch. Sounds like it’s always lok’tar ogar at the Cuomo house.

Trixany: Grr...

Cocoa Crush: But! I also saved my step-sista’s career. And now I’m officially the underwriter, so I’ll get the song credits I was supposed to be getting this whole time.

Cocoa Crush (Troll), Arcana Mama (Nightborne), Fiesta Lime Trixany (Blood Elf), Shuga Slam (Orc), Mega Meghan Mango (Tauren)

Black Cherry Dahlia: *smokey Forsaken voice* Nobody has asked about me yet. Or why I’m always getting cut off in all the publicity photos!

*girls screaming, then the male Orc interviewing starts yelling too*

Shuga Slam: Actually, why am I screaming? Me and my fangs get cut off on the other side of the photo if it’s not spooky Dahli getting cropped out.

Cocoa Crush: Eh, blame the KCC. They mix it up dependin’ on tha demographic they’re selling Kaja-Cola to.

Org Daily Mail: Blood and thunder! Black Cherry Dahlia? You’re a damned scary dame. I’m even impressed! How’d you even get into the studio? You weren’t here before? I could swear it--

Black Cherry Dahlia: I’m more than ready to spread Kaja-Cola products through Forsaken lands like the mighty Plague we all know and love.

Meghan Mega Mango: Do we... Does anyone love the Plague? Officially?

Mojo Jojo: You gotta take dat kinda stuff up with Bwonsamdi, dat not be in my contract, Undead-mon.

Shuga Slam: I’m not commenting, either. I’m Frostwolf Clan by birth, and I don’t need that kind of drama following me around on the Orc social media streams. If Eitrigg or Thrall unfriends me, I’m dead. Black Cherry, will you tone it down! It was bad enough when Sylvanas burned that tree. Don’t go burning our careers down! Again!

Org Daily Mail: One last thing. My producer is telling me now that you all have secret identities when you’re not out saving the world with your music. Care to go into detail?

Trixany: Other way around. We’re already strong fighters for the Horde. Saving lives, our lands, our people--that’s a daily thing. Our real names--I guess except for mine I suppose--those are the secret. But everyone knows our stage names.

Org Daily Mail: That doesn’t make any sense. Here ya go, while we try to figure this one out... We’re going to play some more Flava Girls footage in the background for the people streaming at home on their scrying orbs.

youtube

Trixany: Yes it does so make sense! It’s like... Jem and the Holograms but it’s flipped around. They were a band but nobody knew they were actually running around helping people, right?

Cocoa Crush: I told Trixany not to bingewatch that Jem show while she was drinkin’. *sigh*

Org Daily Mail: I’m pretty sure it’s the exact same thing, NOT flipped. You’re musicians, but you also have secret identities for when you’re fighting your enemies. This whole time, I never called any of you by your real names.

Trixany: Anyway, come see us perform. And if any of you fans out there recognize one of us in real life too, please don’t out us! We need to keep our true stage identities secret in order to play the happy, sassy music that we do.

Org Daily Mail: I’m still confused.

Arcana Mama: Yes, I think Trixany just really wants the ‘magical girl’ element as part of our aesthetic. It’s okay.

Trixany: There are wants and needs, Arcana. ‘Magical girl’ is a need for me.

Org Daily Mail: Alright! Well, thanks for coming into the studio, ladies. We look forward to seeing your heavily synchronized dances and auto-tuned voices wherever the Horde needs joy. Can you sing a little something for us before you go? Or, does that need to go through rehearsals and a pre-recorded lip-synching session first?

Black Cherry Dahlia: We’d better do it. This grimy Orc has been insulting us the entire time, ladies. I think he needs correcting. *cracks knuckles, neck super loudly*

Flava girls: *Trixany counts out a beat first, then they all hold hands and harmonize* Nobody loves Azeroth better I'mma stick with Malfurion forever Nobody gonna take Azzy higher That's why you're my Shan'dooo Only Malfy appreciates her Forget Tyrande--my archdruid baby! Nobody ever healed Azeroth this way No Shan'don't. He's my Shan'dooo!**

Org Daily Mail: LOKTAR!! Wow, that’s... all kinds of meta and complicated, yet LIT! It’s even cross-faction. I love it!! Tyrande won’t--but hey! Let’s hear it for the Kaja-Cola Flava Girls, everybody!

*The girls stand, still holding hands, and they curtsey beautifully. Then tall Meghan suddenly picks up a squealing Trixany. The other girls cheer and shake Kaja-Cola bottles. They spray a rainbow of tropical soda on everything*

All the Flava Girls: Arcana Mama (Nightborne), Mojo Jojo (Troll), Cocoa Crush (Goblin), Fiesta Lime Trixany (Blood Elf), Mega Meghan Mango (Tauren), Shuga Slam (Orc), Black Cherry Dahlia (Forsaken)

((**Parody song is Shan’dooo by Trixany @trixcuomo))

#kaja-cola #wyrmrest rp #kaja-cola-flava-girls

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yume-x-hanabi · 6 years ago

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Gaius Comparisons #4

Tag for previous entries.

Scenes analyzed here: all the events in Kanbalar and when you seize the airship, as well as the Zenethra.

Rowen: They seem to be struggling.

Leia: Shouldn’t we help them?

Jude: ��

Milla: Their diversion will be for naught if we join them. [she adds “We have no choice but to leave it to them.”]

Man: We have to save His Highness!

Soldier: Don’t let them lay a finger on His Highness or the civilians!

Jude: The people really do love him.

Alvin: If I’m not mistaken, your job here is still to help Milla win.

Jude: That’s right. Let’s go, Leia.

Leia: Gotcha.

Commentary: go go, Kanbalar NPC! I love how they support their king♥

[After fighting the flying ship’s robots, the party is still facing some Exodus and Elympion soldiers, but Gaius and the Chimeriad show up with some soldiers.]

Wingul: We’ll take over from here. [“It’s over. The ship is completely under our control.”]

Jude: Gaius probably didn’t need us after all. [“Gaius and the others would have probably managed on their own.” Same thing, except he includes the Chimeriad.]

Ivar: Lady Milla? Are you unharmed?

Milla: Yes, thanks to everyone but you. [BUUURN]

Ivar: What? Grr…

Gaius: The ship is ours! [“Our operation is a success!”]

Soldiers: Hoorah!

Gaius: Let's return to the castle.

Milla: Here, let me help you up.

Commentary: We just need a Gaius Side to play this part from their point of view.

Gaius: How long until we can set sail? [he says “Wingul” at the beginning]

Wingul: I have every available man working to get the ship's systems under control. It may take a few hours.

Jude: Looks like we still have some time.

Milla: Let’s rest until then.

Commentary: I think you can talk to him after that but I don’t have the Japanese line for that. Nothing of note here anyway.

Agria&Leia

Agria: So I heard the pimple wants to be a nurse. I bet it’s ‘cause of that boy! [just “you,” though not the most polite form]

Leia: S-So what of it?

Agria: Don’t play innocent with me. It’s obvious that Jude gets you all hot and bothered. [“your head is full of perverted stuff about that boy”]

Leia: What?! That’s ridiculous!

Agria: But you know, I have to admit my opinion of you has improved.

Leia: Huh? Really?

Agria: If you think with your heart instead of your brain, you’ll end up killing some patient on accident! It’ll be hilarious! [she just laughs] You don’t even care if your efforts end up killing people!

Leia: That won’t happen.

Agria: Oh, that’s right. That boy’s got the hots for Maxwell, the older woman. [“granny Maxwell”] That means no lovin’ for you! Ah ha ha ha! [she’s a bit more crass here]

Milla: Huh?

Agria: Huh? Who’s there? (Leia flees) Hmph, lame.

Commentary: Agria is Agria, no matter the language XD

Presa&Alvin

Alvin: Hey, good lookin’. Come here often? [“Hey. Are you sure this is the time to be idling?”]

Presa: Think you can charm your way back into my life? You make me puke. [“When you talk to me casually like that, it makes me feel sick.”]

Alvin: Cut me some slack, will you? After all, we finally get to fight side by side again. [“Don’t get angry.”]

Presa: I’d sooner kill you.

Alvin: Easy there. Come on, it’ll be just like old times. [“Don’t say something so scary. Let’s get close like we were before.”]

Presa: You expect me to forget how many of us died because of you?

Alvin: That’s ancient history.

Presa: I was captured too, you know… Do you have any idea what I went through?

Alvin: … [he sighs]

Presa: I thought I’d found my place in the world by your side. Don't expect me to forgive and forget. Being tossed away once was enough. [“Never raise my hopes up ever again.”]

Wingul: Presa, I request your presence. I need your opinion on how to integrate the Rashugal soldiers into our own.

Presa: Sure, I'll be right there.

Alvin: See? Your new friends need you. You’ve found your place after all.

Commentary: Presa ;A; I don’t know which version of Alvin I hate most here, but he’s pretty despicable in this scene, completely brushing off what she went through and thinking he can just waltz back into her life like nothing happened. I wish there’d been another scene like that where they can talk about it seriously, like late-game, after he’s developed and is no longer trying to escape responsibility for his actions. But we all know the game robbed Presa of that chance on the Hallowmont -_-

Wingul&Rowen

Jude: I wonder what those two are talking about. [“Rowen and Wingul…?”]

Wingul: You wish to speak with me?

Rowen: You told me earlier you have a booster implanted in your body. Why would you do such a thing?

Wingul: Why? Hah. If you have to ask, then you'd never understand.

Rowen: But you're still just a young man. How could you throw away your life?

Wingul: Heh, haha. The answer is simple: I await my opportunity to kill the King.

Rowen: What? That is your reason?

Wingul: Gaius is worthy of the throne. That is undeniable. So I was left with only two options. Resist or submit.

Rowen: You are a strong young man.

Wingul: No, you're just a weak old one.

Rowen: I have given a lot of thought to what you said earlier. It would seem that Gaius is capable of leading his people down the correct path.

Wingul: Are you saying you'll support him?

Rowen: Gaius may be Rashugal's only hope now that it has lost its king. I shall summon Rashugal's finest warriors here before the battle with Exodus. With your permission, of course.

Wingul: A wise decision.

Commentary: Wingul please. ... I understand the game trying to only give us the party’s (pretty limited) pov on the Chimeriad, I guess it’s more realistic like that, that they don’t know everything, but it’s still really frustrating as a player not to get all the details. Here we have the Battle of Mon Highlands summed up in twenty words, and it’s barely telling us anything when it’s actually such a huge event in Gaius and Wingul’s lives. This limited pov is really getting in the way of fleshing out the antagonists, which is a shame because this group is so interesting and lovable!

Talking to Wingul before launching the attack.

Wingul: Relay this to all troops: We believe the enemy base to be an enormous structure. All soldiers should review their indoor combat procedures.

Auj Oule Soldier: Yes, sir!

Wingul: I anticipate difficulty getting the word to everyone. Call in all of the relay team reserves.

Other Auj Oule Soldier: Yes, sir!

Milla: I see you're keeping busy.

Wingul: Of course. 99% of a battle is won before it starts.

Milla: So at this point, the fighting is just a formality?

Wingul: I leave nothing to chance. That's why I haven't accounted for your group at all. All I expect from you is a distraction. Should you die in the process, my plans will not be disrupted. [“Don’t worry, ~”]

Elize: What?

Milla: Fair enough. [she adds “We have no objection to that.”]

Elize: Was that true for Jiao too? Did his death not disrupt your plans?!

Wingul: It was not, and it did. Jiao's strength was a trusted resource, not a destabilizing factor like your own. He was a man who not only bested me, but even challenged Gaius one-on-one.

Elize: Oh...

Teepo: Were you two friends?

Wingul: Friends? Ah, this must be how a child sees the world. It doesn't matter what we were. What matters now is that our military strength doesn't waver from his loss. [he doesn’t say the first italicized line. What he says here is “I will fill the gap left by Jiao’s loss. That’s what my booster is for.”]

Milla: You certainly don't make your emotions easy to read.

Wingul: You'd be wise not to waste your energy trying. The time of battle is at hand. Rest while you still can.

Commentary: I love the trust between him and Jiao, considering their rocky start. Another thing I would have liked to see developed more in depth...

Leia: What are Rashugal soldiers doing here?

Rowen: I summoned them here, although fewer came than I had hoped.

Jude: Ah, looks like Ivar's still here, too.

Milla: That fool. He abandoned his duty to Nia Khera.

Wingul: Your Highness, perhaps a few words.

Gaius: Once, we turned our swords upon each other and fought for control of Rieze Maxia. Today, we come together not as enemies, but as allies. We have already located the enemy's headquarters, a ship known as the Zenethra. Fear not the battle to come, brothers. United, we will not falter. [“Trust yesterday’s enemy.”] Together, we shall reclaim our world!

Wingul: Launch the ship!

Auj Oule Troop: Y-Your Highness! We have detected a high energy channeling circle surrounding all of Rieze Maxia. Here it comes!

Leia: What's happening...? It's like my mana is being sucked dry!

Milla: I know this feeling.

Jude: They're using the Lance of Kresnik to absorb the entire world's mana!

Wingul: The Spirit-fuel Plan.

Gaius: I won't let them hurt our people. I will protect Rieze Maxia! Make us airborne!

Commentary: Look at this guy, still standing up when everyone’s on their knees. Anyway, Gaius is pretty good at short inspirational speeches. You can feel his charisma here 8)

Milla: Sorry I’m late.

Elize: It was just like the Lance of Kresnik, wasn't it?

Wingul: No doubt the Zenethra was the actual source of that light.

Milla: And I think that it put another hole in the schism.

Presa: You're right. At least no ships were able to come through this time. [“But no ship came in like last time.”]

Alvin: Maybe they sent the mana they gathered back to Elympios.

Jude: Looks like your fuel-plan theory was right.

Alvin: It seems like the only time that I'm right is when I'm talkin' about a worst-case scenario.

Agria: Wait a minute. Hahaha! Well, lookie there!

Ivar: Enemy ship approaching! Everyone, brace for impact!

Milla: There's our welcoming committee.

Gaius: Silence all of them!

[Battle]

Jude: They just keep on coming!

Wingul: Is this all you've got? Pathetic!

Milla: Gaius!

Gaius: Helmsman! Maintain course and ram into the Zenethra!

Ivar: All right, fine, if you say so. Just don't try to blame me if we crash and burn!

[anime cutscene where Ivar crashes the airship into the Zenethra, and Muzét blasts some airships with Gravity]

Commentary: Pretty faithful here. Another scene where I would have loved to play Gaius...

[I named this screenshot “everyone is judging you, Ivar”]

Jude: That was incredible.

Muzét: I seem to have regained my powers thanks to your tethering.

Milla: I never imagined you would possess such power.

Leia: Of course! She’s your big sis!

Elize: I’m glad you’re on our side. [I have bad news for you Elize…]

Muzét: I am happy to lend my powers to your cause. [“I will lend you my power here.” (here outside)]

Milla: What are you planning to do?

Muzét: The mission would fail if the ship were to fall, yes?

Milla: I see. It sounds we’ll have to continue asking for your assistance. [“Then I can leave it to you, right?” she... kinda sounds a bit unsure she should trust her]

Jude: Thank you, Muzét. Take care.

Muzét: Be safe. Milla, never forget that you are Maxwell.

Milla: …

Rowen: We must act quickly, while the enemy reinforcements are being blocked.

Milla: We should split into two groups.

Jude: I know. "Do what must be done", right? [“I know, Gaius.”]

Gaius: We will put a stop to their plans right here. Our targets are Gilland and the Lance of Kresnik.

Ivar: At your service, Lady Milla.

Alvin: You again? [“You’re still there?”]

Teepo: Hey! Stay out of our way! [“You’re in our way, so stay away.” Not too different but the “stay away” wording is pretty childish.]

Ivar: Hahaha, but of course! I shall join Gaius' capable crew!

Milla: What?

Wingul: Think you can fill Jiao's shoes in the Chimeriad?

Ivar: Easily!

Gaius: ...

Ivar: Just watch me! [He’s actually rewording his previous line more formally.]

Gaius: Let's go.

Ivar: Guess they know a winner when they see one, phony! [“I won’t lose to you, phony!”]

Presa: Get over here, idiot.

Ivar: How rude! But, I shall let it slide.

Presa: Al...

Alvin: What?

Presa: Try not to die.

Milla: Let's go.

Commentary: And to think the writers were originally planning to make him an official Chimeriad member here... ngl, I’m glad that didn’t happen. As much as I like Ivar, he doesn’t fit into that group at all, and it’s much funnier to have them just glare at him and then abandon him when he gets in trouble. Since it’s Tales Trivia Tuesday: his outfit was designed with that setting in mind. If you look at his legs, it’s pretty similar to how Jiao and Wingul’s pants are styled. And the Chimeriad all have set solid colors (black, yellow, blue, red); Ivar is wearing white for that reason. Though in the end his outfit fits very much with Nia Khera NPC’s, so it really worked out in the end.

Gilland: Guh! No, not now. Not when we finally created a spyrite. Damn it.

Alvin: The only thing you really want to do is gain favor with the outside to boost your influence. What’s the point in making these spyrites, or whatever you call them?

Gilland: Spyrites are different from spyrix devices. They allow us to wield incredible power without consuming spirits. Elympios is overflowing with people and technology. And we need spyrites to sustain ourselves. [“That’s why Elympios, which is overflowing with people and technology, need them.”]

Jude: What are you talking about?

Gilland: As spirits have become scarce, so has the mana in Elympios. Our world is now doomed to fade away.

Rowen: So that is why you implemented the Otherworld Reactor Plan. [“I didn’t know there was such a reason behind the ORP.”]

Leia: But it’s your fault for getting hooked on spyrix to begin with. Now you have to live with the consequences.

Gilland: But if spyrites become commonplace, the people of Elympios will have all the mana they need.

Milla: Isn’t it a bit late for that? You were the ones who chose to rely on spyrix 2,000 years ago!

Gilland: That wasn’t me! Gwaaah!

Alvin: Hey, are you okay?

Gilland: My death is not going to change the fate of Rieze Maxia! O-Our plan can proceed so long as the schism exists. Everything you’ve done is for nothing! Ergh! Ahhhh!

Leia: Is he dead now?

Rowen: Perhaps that was the price he had to pay for using Celsius.

Milla: It was a high price to pay, even for that much power.

Alvin: Well, I’ll be taking this back. Gillandor Yul Svent. Goodbye, Uncle.

Gaius: Has everything been settled now?

Milla: You just missed it.

Jude: This doesn't feel right. Not at all.

Milla: Exodus must abandon their plans. They must be forced to for the sake of Rieze Maxia. [“We must destroy Exodus’ plan for the sake of Rieze Maxia.”]

Jude: Right.

Milla: Good to see you all again.

Gaius: Maxwell.

Milla: Even you won't interfere here. I'll destroy it.

Wingul: Such power! What the hell is this arte? [in Long Dau he says “Damn”]

Elize: It hurts! Make it stop! [“We’re getting squished.”]

Jude: Did Gilland set a trap for us?!

Agria: Come on! Use your artes, for crying out loud! [she calls her her trademark “babaa” (hag/granny)]

Presa: I can't. It's far too powerful!

Gaius: This is nothing I can't handle. I'll break through this arte!

Jude: Break through? That's it! Use the Lance of Kresnik! It has the power to dispel artes!

Milla: That's true! [“The Lance…”]

Leia: Can we even do that? Isn't it out of mana?

Rowen: If everybody here can just focus their mana into the Lance, then maybe...

Agria: Ahahaha! So you're saying we should willingly give that thing power?

Wingul: It could mean the death of us.

Gaius: We're dead either way. We have no choice.

Agria: Damnit! Hurry up already!

Presa: I... I can't take it anymore.

Gaius: Now Maxwell, activate the Lance.

Jude: Milla...

Milla: There is no need for everyone to risk their lives.

Jude: Wait, what? Don't do it! No! You can't do this!

Alvin: What are you doing?! Aren't you supposed to stick around, to help protect the world? There are still so many things left you need to do!

Milla: With the schism gone, Exodus' plan will come to an end. Isn't that right?

Alvin: What?

Milla: You’re still here? I told you to leave with Jude and the others. I’m sorry. I dragged you into this.

Undine: Well, well, you’ve certainly changed, haven’t you?

Milla: I just want to live as Maxwell, that’s all.

Sylph: And that’s an excuse to off yourself, huh?

Milla: I know it conflicts with my mission.

Gnome: Then don’t! Don’t do it!

Milla: I don’t want to disappoint Jude. When he’s watching me… I want to be like this. I want to be the Maxwell that he respects. [“that he loves.” wtf translators]

Efreet: What does Maxwell have to fear?

Milla: So that’s what it was. I finally understand. I’ve become afraid. Afraid of loss.

Leia: This can’t happen. [“No, Milla…”]

Elize: Milla…

Teepo: Don’t do it!

Rowen: Please reconsider! [“Milla!”]

Jude: You can’t do this. Milla. If you leave us, then what? You can’t! [“If you were to disappear, then I…”]

Milla: You’ll be fine without me. [“Don’t make that face.”]

Jude: …

Milla: Farewell. Goodbye, Jude.

Jude: Mi— Millaaaaaaa!

Commentary: I don’t know why these translators keep removing the word “love”, but I don’t like it :( Note how they also made Jude’s line near the end less personal.

Milla is so strong, though. By then she’s realized the truth about herself, and even if it conflicts with her mission, she wants to protect her friends, who she’s become afraid of losing (a nice call back to the scene in Fort Gandala where she was ready to let Gilland kill Elise and Driselle if she had to). She’s changed so much, while still keeping the fundamental part of herself, what makes her so strong. She really is an amazing character.

#tales of xillia #king gaius #the chimeriad #translation talk #gaius scenes comparisons

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comprosedreviews-blog · 7 years ago

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A Court of Wings and Ruin (finally) with Monica

Rating: 4/5 (goodreads)

With a great (new) laptop, comes great responsibility.

And no one knows that better than me. At least after the seven hour, where-did-all-my-files-go-and-why-didn’t-they-transfer-correctly debacle.

SO while I had an almost full review finished for this book, it has gone MIA. Go. Figure.

But that’s Karma’s way of getting back at me for not publishing this a few months ago, you know, when I actually finished reading the book.

But y’all didn’t come here to listen to me complain, you came for a book review, so without further RAWRS and GRRs, here’s the review:

You should read the book.

Yes I know, you’re probably sitting there glued to your screens, mouth agape because somehow, after loving the first two books of this beloved series I also managed to love and recommend the third. GOOD GRACIOUS MONICA!!! YOU’RE CRAZY!!!

In all seriousness, the book did fall a little bit behind the first and second in the list of favorites for me, but still managed to keep me coming back for more page turns and laughter and fear.

Before writing any further, I want to warn those of you who stumbled upon this review thinking that ACOWAR was the first in a series from reading the rest of this post. You see, young ones, if you continue to read you will be spoiled for the first two books... because well, this is the third and final in its little trilogy.

So turn away, avert your eyes, and direct your feet to the nearest Barnes & Nobles (or wherever you satisfy your book reading needs) and purchase A Court of Thorns and Roses. You won’t be sorry.

THE BRIEF NON-SPOILERY: I can confirm that there are areas of overwriting in this finale. In fact, much of the beginning dragged on or felt unnecessary, to the point where 100 pages or so in, I finally felt like we began the story. The beginning is important for foundational stuff about new characters, old characters and new threat lines, however. It probably could have just been done with far fewer words and scenes.

I also think that there are several areas that just lagged. I could easily put the book down in those moments and do something else... which for me isn’t a great reading experience. And before you wave your fists and say BUT MONICA, books can’t be all power and action and romance all the time, know that I understand that. I mean, I read a lot and love books a lot, but this was an excessive amount of hmmmmmmm don’t need to be reading this right now. I want to be fully pulled in, I want something to make me think I CAN PUSH THROUGH THIS SECTION TO FIND X OUT... but there were whole chapters where I was like... whelp. Nothing interesting happened.

THAT BEING SAID, other moments in the book were done spectacularly and kept me immersed in the world even when I had to put the book down. I was like... No. Nope. Okay Mr. Reporting-Professor, you can talk all you want about the inverted pyramid, but understand that all I’m hearing is fanfic poetry about the love between Rhysand and Feyre.

You get all the characters you love back and all the resolutions you could ask for, which is why lovers of the series must finish it. Don’t let yourself feel the unresolved feeling of ending on ACOMAF (because we all know that ending left us SHOOK).

That’s all I can offer for you folks out there who haven’t finished ACOWAR. I hope these words of wisdom have helped you settle on the right decision of reading the book for yourself. If it didn’t, well, sorry. I’m a mere hufflepuff.

WARNING!! SPOILERS!!! AHEAD!!!

You know, I really enjoyed this book, I swear I did, but as I’m thinking back on it, the things I remember best are the things that annoyed me. Like the father’s convenient return right as the battle was being lost, the constant magic draining, the convenient return of Rhysands angel looking friends, and all the character death bluffs. So for the interest of ending this review on a positive note (because, wtf my brain, we love this book??) I’m going to talk about these things and then swing into the good.

1. WHATS WITH ALL THE CONVENIENCE?

Did we just get written into too tough of a plot to get out of? No, I don’t think we did. Why? Because Sarah J. Mass is brilliant. I’m sorry, but did you see all the foreshadowing with the mirror? Or the awesome trials in the first book? Or the link between the stars of Feyre’s drawer and Rhysand??? This girl can write the tough writes.

But this ending was riddled with oddly convenient and seemingly unnecessary helps. The island with the Seraphine and the wards that worked a little too well... like why didn’t Rhysand and friends check super hard? Why didn’t they shout a bunch. WHY DIDNT THEY REALIZE, oh yeah, we protect our sacred city with a bunch of wards too... Why didn’t the angel beings think to look outside of their wards ever? And how come they were able to get notice of the battle at all? Like... HMM, yeah we couldn’t really reach you BUTTTTTTTTT now we’re here because we found out about it?? No. I need a better explanation.

And maybe there is one to come. Maybe the second series will shine some light on the topic, but if that’s the case then writing that entrance for these guys was a super risky move because--I’m just going to say it--it came across as a Deux ex machina (which are endings I frankly hate).

GAHHHH and the whole book we were like

Reader: Oh no!!!!! Azriel is going to die! His wings are shredding, he went on a kill mission, he’s the misplaced love angle...I knew he shouldn’t have gone with them! I knew it!!! I knew it!! This is Sarah offing him isn’t it--

Feyre: actually we got him back in time so it’s all peas and--

Reader: OMG YOU ONLY GOT HIM TO SURVIVE BECAUSE TAMLIN IS DEAD NOW AND HE HAS SACRIFICED HIMSELF JUST AS HE REDEEMED WHATEVER TERRIBLE DARKNESS HE WAS BATHED IN AS A SMA--

Tamlin: Actually, no. No. I come back in the end. They kept me alive. I’m good.

Reader: HOLY MUFFIN GUACAMOLE YOU DISTRACTED ME SO THAT I WOULDN’T SEE CASSI--oh actually cass is fine wow. Good job Ness--OMG NESSA AND CASSIAN ARE GOING TO DIE AHHHHH

Elain: NOT. In. My. House!

Reader: Oh dang. Nice slashy slash. Wait so everyone-- OMG ARMEN NOOOOOOOO

Ocean: psht. She’s fine. I’ll spit her out as a high fey, no worries

Reader: Oh. Oh. Okay, wow. That’s um, good then?

Cauldron: *Gargles*

Reader: *Sobbing hysterically* RHYSAND!!!!!!!!! Actually, he’ll be fine too probably... yep. Okay.

It got to the point where I was like, well there’s no real need to worry because any character I actually give an emotional teardrop about is protected by all the force of the pen forever. So. Yeah.

I mean, I’m not complaining that all my characters made it out unscathed, just that they made it out and each and every one of them had their life thissssssss close to being torn away... and somehow I’m still expected to buy Rhysand’s near death at the end as our final hurdle to overcome. Which. I didn’t.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THE BAD, let’s talk about the good.

The very beginning had me so upset. But in a good way. When it wasn’t going on too long we got to see a darker side of Feyre, the side that decided to kill a fairy for revenge, the side that isn’t afraid to ruin lives if it means saving the people she cares about.

AND I HAVE TO SAY I HATED IT AND LOVED THAT I HATED IT.

Like, I do not like Tamlin. I will never like Tamlin, there is no redeeming Tamlin. But, still, as Feyre began to turn his armies against him and used Lucien (who I do like!) to tear a rift in the spring court I felt the feels. Like... no. This isn’t how we do things.

But. It. Is.

Feyre don’t mess around.

When the bond between Rhysand and Feyre started to go quiet I was SOOOOO worried that Tamlin had secretly discovered a way to shut it down and was working with Ianthe that I just... I was like STOP WORRYING ABOUT DESTROYING SPRING AND START FOCUSSING ON THIS CLEARLY WRONG THING!!!!! But it wasn’t that.

No. No, it was her magic, being drained from her.

And for someone with SO MUCH MAGIC in the book before, I was so taken aback by how many times her powers were literally drained from her.

Was anyone else impatiently waiting for more Feysand? Because I was. I wanted it sooooo badly. Maybe that’s the real reason everything dragged. Maybe I just needed them to be together again, especially because she was now lady of the night court and I wanted to see some night court shenanigans with the gang.

Good times. That would have been good times.

But I had to wait. And when we did get there

STUFF//WAS//FALLING//APART

I’m sorry, what do you mean Elain is miserable???? And mad???

I’m sorry, what do you mean Lucien is coming with??? (because I might like him but yeesh, I was annoyed with his “how could you betray me” thing).

I’m sorry, what do you mean IN GENERAL????

Can’t we just like... Idk, ignore our wounds from the other book? CASS got to! His wings grew back//were healed. We should all be like Cass!

For real though, when everyone was talking about how Elain had gone crazy I was sitting here thinking... *raises hands* um maybe she’s like... seeing the future? Did we think about that guys?? But nooooooo. Everyone was all pity filled and I was all :(((((((((((

My greatest regret is we never got the resolution of Cass and Nessa. I want them together and I want it yesterday!

I felt like we were there. We were so close. They almost died together and Cass and Nessa BASICALLY SAID THEY LOVED EACH OTHER and then...

poof. Same old same old rawr.

And then are Elain and Azriel going to be a thing??? I don’t know if I want that or don’t want that???? Are Lucien and bird princess going to be a thing???? Who is a thing, who isn’t a thing, why???????

Like, last book I was here for Lucien and Elain. I mean I figured they’d have to like, get to know each other, fall in love, etc. but I’m a sucker for a falling in love story// enemies to lovers sub-arch.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Now I can’t even bring myself to root for that. They are just wrong for each other. And I don’t like it. I don’t like that our thing that set up our two main characters can be so imperfect. Rawr, I just want resolution!!!!!!

And did everyone catch that Lucien isn’t related to the monster that was previously believed to be his father??? WHO’S GOING TO EXPLAIN TO DADDY HELION THAT HE IS A FATHER???? WHY DIDN’T THAT HAPPEN IN THIS BOOK???

I’m sorry but all signs for me point to the next series following Elain, Lucien, and Bird princess lady// whatever horrible deal she made to be able to come and fight. I’m not against that. I do want to know more about why the cauldron gave Elain so much power, and how her ex-fiance is feeling now, and how her prophesies/// Azriel thing/// Lucien thing is going to pan out !!!BUT!!!! But here I am wanting to know what happened to giant nightmare cloud, wanting to see baby Feysand, wanting to have Mor find love, wanting to know more about Nessa’s link with the cauldron...

ARE WE SURROUNDED BY I NEED TO KNOWS RIGHT NOW OR WHAT???

*sigh* when is Sarah going to release the next series beginner? I need it. Otherwise, I might combust. And I need these answers. Not in this order but... like in the next book please?? Please???? PLEASE????

So this review turned more into a mindless ramble of happenings and wants than anything else. If you feel I left things out (which I most certainly did thanks to writing this months and months after reading smh) please comment below! I’d love to hear what Y’all think// what y’all want from the next book.

And gosh if you read this far, you’re a saint.

Until next post,

Monica

#ACOWAR #sarah j maas #acotar #acomaf #feyre archeron #Feysand #booklr #book #books #bookreview #comPROSEdbookreviews

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stereksecretsanta · 7 years ago

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Merry Christmas, @daddy--oreo!

Have some feels and fluff! I hope you like it!

Rating: T

Summary: In which Stiles and Derek face their greatest foes yet: miscommunication and a crippling lack of self esteem! But hey, they work it all out in the end!

*****

Cast Aside These Broken Hearts

“It’s just a sprained ankle, buddy,” Stiles says, trying to pull his foot away but having no luck.

“I’m not your buddy,” Derek says, looking up from where he’s carefully wrapping Stiles’ ankle in a bandage to glare at him.

“Of course not,” Stiles says, sighing in what sounds like defeat.

It’s strange, Derek thinks, how shutting Stiles up just doesn’t fill him with the same glee that it used to.

“I didn’t…” Derek tries, “I mean, that’s not..”

“Whatever,” Stiles says, taking Derek’s stuttering as a chance to break away and stand up, ignoring the pain shooting through his ankle at the pressure. “I’ll get out of your way. See you next time something tries to kill us, I guess.”

He’s halfway to the door before Derek tries to stop him.

“Stiles,” he says, “I… you can’t drive like that. Let me bring you home at least.”

“I don’t drive with my left foot,” Stiles says, and then he’s gone, clicking the door shut softly behind him.

It somehow makes Derek cringe more than if he’d just slammed it.

“What the hell was that?” he asks the empty room. The room, thankfully, doesn’t answer.

“Why is it always you?” Derek groans as he dodges another honest-to-god fireball, pulling Stiles down to the ground with him before he can get barbecued.

“Because the universe is fucking cruel,” Stiles replies, still trying to catch his breath from running. “Obviously.”

Derek finds himself unexpectedly smarting at the comment. Stiles is always sarcastic and quick-witted, but the extra bitterness Derek hears in his voice recently is new. And unwelcome.

“Just stay down,” he says roughly, shoving Stiles behind what’s left of a warehouse wall.

“Hell no,” Stiles says, pulling himself up to crouch next to Derek again. “You want me to hide while everyone else gets charbroiled? You’re nuts!”

“We’ll heal,” Derek says, “just stay out of the way and we’ll take care of it.”

“Hey!” Stiles exclaims, “I’ve saved your furry asses more times than I can count! Don’t tell me to just roll over and play dead!”

“Stiles!” Derek shouts, eyes burning red in full force for a moment until he can get it under control.

Stiles, while resolutely refusing to show any fear, has gone silent.

“Just…please,” Derek says. Begs, really. “Just stay safe for once, ok?”

Stiles considers him for a long long moment, before finally nodding tightly.

“Fine,” he says. “I’ll sit this one out. But if you or any of my friends get fired, I’m resurrecting you just so I can kill you again! You got it?”

Before Derek can reply, a fireball flies past him, and he turns to face their opponents, roaring in anger at full volume.

He can’t be sure, but it definitely sounds like Stiles is laughing in delight behind him. But he’ll worry about that when all these freaking firestarters are taken care of.

“What I don’t get,” Stiles says, tossing the basketball over to Scott without even trying for the net, “is why he still hates me so much. I mean, it’s been like 6 years. And now I can’t even spend summer break back home without the ‘grr, arg’ act!”

“Pretty sure that’s vampires, dude,” Scott says, tossing the ball back to Stiles, who catches it with a huff.

“Why are we even doing this?” Stiles asks. “Neither of us play basketball.”

“It was your idea,” Scott says, shrugging.

“I think I needed to be doing something manly while I had this embarrassing conversation,” Stiles says, clutching the basketball to his chest tightly.

“It’s not embarrassing,” Scott says, “you’re allowed to talk about your feelings. Even if you don’t know what they are yet.”

“Oh my god,” Stiles whines, “you take a year of 101’s and think you’re Dr. Phil!”

Scott scoffs. “Dr. Phil is a hack!”

“True,” Stiles allows.

“And Derek doesn’t hate you,” Scott adds, belatedly. “I think that might be the problem.”

“What does that even mean?” Stiles asks, exasperated. “He’s always brushing me off, or telling me to stay out the way, or questioning all my plans, like I’m not training with Deaton on top of literally going to school for law enforcement!”

Scott decides to switch tactics to try and get through.

“How long have you wanted to be a cop?” Scott asks.

“My whole life,” Stiles says. “Except for that summer I wanted to be a rock star.”

“We were awful,” Scott laughs. “And how long have we known each other?”

“Forever, dude,” Stiles says. “I don’t know, like 15 years or so?”

“Right,” Scott says. “And how long has it been since I got bitten?”

“Six years,” Stiles says. That one, he knows he’ll never forget.

“And how long have you been in love with Derek?” Scott asks.

“Five years,” Stiles says immediately, and then cringes with what Scott can only assume is his brain re-booting.

“So you see the problem now?” Scott asks, gently.

Stiles just nods slowly and hands the ball over to Scott, who has gotten much closer than he was a moment before.

“I think I do,” he says. “I need to go…like right now, I need to go and find Derek.”

“Yeah you do!” Scott says, clapping Stiles on the shoulder. “Go get him!”

Stiles laughs and shakes his head.

“I need to go apologize to him,” he says. “I must have been making him so uncomfortable with my feelings or chemo-signals or whatever other stuff werewolf-y noses pick up on!”

“I don’t think you need to do that,” Scott tries, but Stiles is already jogging off towards the Jeep and waving goodbye.

“So,” Stiles says as Derek opens the door. “We should talk.”

Derek looks at him warily, but moves aside to allow Stiles in anyway, closing and locking the door behind him. The new apartment is nicer and warmer looking than the loft, but he still doesn’t ever feel completely at ease.

Stiles kicks off his shoes and settles down on one side of the couch, folding his legs under him and leaning his back against the couch arm. After a pointed stare at both Derek and the other side of the couch, Derek rolls his eyes and goes to sit down, mirroring Stiles’ pose just to annoy him.

“I wanted to apologize,” Stiles says once he’s seated. And well. That was definitely not what Derek was expecting.

“For what?” Derek asks, smirking. “If it’s about the time you dropped my favorite mug and tried to convince me a rogue pigeon took it out… don’t bother. Nobody believed that.”

“I’m being serious here,” Stiles says, frowning. “And I am sorry about the mug. But that’s not what this is about.”

“Then what?” Derek asks, giving Stiles his full attention.

“I need to apologize for my like…everything,” Stiles says, waving a hand around as if to encompass his entire being. “I didn’t realize I was even doing it until it was too late, but I’ll try to stop from now on. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable anymore.”

“What are you even talking about?” Derek asks, bewildered and more than a little concerned at the tone of Stiles’ voice.

“The feelings!” Stiles bursts out. “The romantic-y type feelings! That are not reciprocated. Like, at all. I just… I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Oh,” Derek says, suddenly subdued. “Those feelings.”

“Yeah,” Stiles says, wiping angrily at his eyes with the back of his hands and avoiding Derek’s stare.

“Maybe we should just not hang around each other for a while,” Stiles says, quietly.

Derek flinches back at that, but pulls himself together before his face can show just how much he hates that idea.

“If that’s what you think is best,” he says.

“I guess I do,” Stiles says, standing up and heading for the door.

Before he can get past Derek though, he finds himself stopped by Derek’s fingers around his wrist.

“Wait,” Derek says. “Please. Just, don’t run off.”

“I really don’t want to stay and humiliate myself further,” Stiles says, moving to wrench his arm away, but Derek’s grip stays tight.

“Is it really that humiliating?” Derek asks, looking oddly hurt. “I mean, I know you don’t feel the same way I do. But is it so awful that you think you need to run away?”

“I don’t want to put any pressure on you!” Stiles says, “not even subconsciously. You deserve way better than some scrawny asshole shoving his hormones in your face all the time!”

“What?” Derek asks, suddenly feeling like he’s completely lost the plot.

He drops his grip from Stiles’ wrist, and watches as it goes slack and falls to Stile’s side.

Stiles sighs deeply before squaring his shoulders and finally looking Derek in the face again.

“I’m fucking crazy about you, man,” he says, pausing to steel himself and take a deep breath. “I��m sorry.”

Derek, however, is just looking up at him like is entire life has been a lie.

“You’re crazy about me?” he asks, incredulously. “Since when?”

“About twenty minutes ago,” Stiles replies. “Give or take about five years.”

“What.” Derek’s so shocked that he can’t even make it into a real question.

“I’m a little slow on the uptake sometimes, shut up,” Stiles says, crossing his arms against his chest defensively.

Suddenly, Derek is laughing. Full on, body-shaking, gasping-for-air laughing, head buried in his hands on his lap.

Stiles really isn’t sure what to do in this situation. He’s prepared for if Derek gets angry(retreating,) or if he gets mean(wolfsbane and then retreating), but no protocol for Derek melting down with laughter.

“I don’t know what’s happening here,” he says as Derek’s laughter starts to die down, “but I’m gonna go now. Thanks for not mauling me and all that.”

“No!” Derek says, standing up so suddenly that Stiles gets a little dizzy.

And then Derek is right there in front of him, green eyes shining from the tears of laughter, smiling at Stiles like he knows something that he does not.

Which, considering the way the day is going, Stiles imagines is entirely possible.

“I thought you were apologizing for not feeling the same way I do,” Derek says, finally, reaching out to rest one big hand against Stiles’ neck, cupping his jaw.

“I..I was,” Stiles says, shivering at the touch against his valiant attempt not to.

“Then you obviously have no idea how I feel about you,” Derek says, smiling in that way that always makes Stiles knees feel like jello.

“How do you feel about me?” Stiles asks, voice hoarse, “because I was under the impression that it was somewhere between hatred and reluctant ally most days.”

“I’m fucking crazy about you, too,” Derek says, and then he’s leaning in and all Stiles can do is meet him halfway for an incredibly sweet kiss.

“Hey,” Stiles says later, when the Netflix screen asks them if they’re still watching the show they haven’t seen a minute of.

“Yeah?” Derek asks, running his thumb under Stiles’ kiss-swollen lips and staring up at him with lust-hazed eyes.

Stiles grins, completely forgetting whatever he was about to say.

“Never mind,” he says instead, moving down to kiss Derek again. “This is way more important.”

Suffice to say, Derek agrees.

#daddy--oreo #stereksanta17 #*fic17 #*gifts17

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aion-rsa · 4 years ago

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Don’t Look Deeper: Catherine Hardwicke on Self-Discovery via the Turing Test

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

For a series called Don’t Look Deeper, Quibi’s sci-fi offering challenges its own title in the opening scene, in which teenager Aisha (Madeline’s Madeline’s Helena Howard) digs into her arm to find the truth beneath her skin. It’s a grisly sequence that mirrors a scene in Alex Garland’s 2014 film Ex Machina, except that Aisha is a biracial young woman, doubting her own personhood, not a white man; and her story takes place in 7-to-10-minute chunks totaling the length of a feature film. This short-form serialized storytelling is a hallmark of the new streaming service, originally intended for commuters and other on-the-go viewers, which had the awkward timing of debuting in the middle of a pandemic.

However, that change of plans hasn’t discouraged director Catherine Hardwicke; she calls it “beautiful” that Don’t Look Deeper can be watched in bits and pieces or binged all at once. The Thirteen and Twilight director has brought her considerable experience helming formative tales of teenage girls’ self-discovery to this unconventional (yet retro) serialized storytelling format, and to a heroine who is othered twice over, yet who Hardwicke hopes will inspire viewers to greater recognition of our shared humanity.

Den of Geek spoke with Hardwicke in June about envisioning the future in little touches instead of broad strokes, watching Evan Rachel Wood in Westworld, and how Don’t Look Deeper takes on an unexpected dimension in light of the current #BlackLivesMatter protests.

DEN OF GEEK: What was it like directing for 7-to-10-minute episodes, as opposed to a feature film?

CATHERINE HARDWICKE: [It] was challenging, but I love this format, because I do think it’s how we live now. I often have just five minutes [to do something] and I can’t spend the whole day, but I want something to feed my brain. It was fun for me because I suddenly broke up [my] storytelling—became more nonlinear and more innovative [about] how to start an opening of an episode or how to end it; where to find that heightened, dramatic moment, that pivotal moment that would make you hopefully want to come back and say, “How is this going to end? How is that gonna be resolved?” It really sharpened my storytelling skills in a new way. It was kinda mind-blowing for me.

Of course, and each episode of Don’t Look Deeper has an opening that’s just a few seconds, with a very thriller-y tone. Did you collaborate with the writers to decide what those moments would be?

The episodes were very far along when I came on the project. The writing was very detailed; however, the writers didn’t know at that time that [the episodes] had to be 10 minutes; they didn’t know how many there would have to be. So, we worked together on developing it. We did have to shift it around and find new endpoints and new out-points. That was kind of exciting. We had a big board on the wall—all of the episodes, all of the scenes, how could we make this work better.

Did you have a favorite or most challenging episode or sequence to shoot?

I really loved any time that we were trying to get inside [Aisha’s] memories, her brain, how to make her feel like she was in that altered state—not wanting to spoil—in her “other” state. I loved every challenge [such as] what could the other robots look like—the school robots that were supposed to be robots, not cross the uncanny valley, so that people felt comfortable around them—how do you create those characters.

[Episode 6 features a quasi-chase sequence in which a self-driving car suddenly malfunctions, and Don Cheadle’s character Martin must fumble to drive.]

It was interesting because it was kind of a chase sequence. Because it’s fifteen minutes in the future, [you consider] what kind of car, how could you have a modified device on your car that could be auto-driving, and then how could that malfunction. Every action sequence and every stunt person in the world, we’re always trying to think of new car chases that haven’t been seen; so the future gave us the perfect opportunity for that, adding a new element.

Quibi was originally intended to be used by commuters and on-the-go audiences, by people who have their days broken into little chunks of time for consuming entertainment—and then the worst possible timing happened with the pandemic. How does it feel to release a Quibi series knowing that it likely won’t be viewed the way it was originally intended?

I always thought it was fantastic that it would be parsed out over multiple days so you could have that fun [experience] all the way back to the early 1900s when they had serial stories, every Saturday you’d go back and watch The Perils of Pauline—obviously that sounded fun. But the idea that you can just sit down and watch it all together, I love that too. We knew that would always be available and probably a huge percentage of people would find it just like we all find, whatever, Money Hunters and we watch it all. So I think it’s beautiful that it can be watched either way.

You’ve directed these groundbreaking stories about young women coming to grips with their bodies and their power, including Thirteen and Twilight. What was it important to you to bring from those experiences to Don’t Look Deeper?

One thing I thought was pretty interesting [is that] Thirteen is a coming-of-age story where a person is trying to figure out, “Who am I as a person? Am I a bad girl? Am I sexy? Do I do drugs? Do I love my mom?” and all those questions about identity. [It’s] the same thing in this one, like on steroids—searching for identity. When you find out who you are in this case, it’s so extreme, this journey of self-discovery—what does it mean with no road map in front of you. I wanted it to feel as grounded [as possible], and with Helena I felt like she really goes for her emotional truth every time and in an original way and kinda unpredictable, sometimes the way she delivers her lines and how she attacked the scene. So I felt like that had that spark of truth and discovery, that I always try to get.

Your past projects have seen you working alongside young women in breakout roles, like Evan Rachel Wood and Kristen Stewart, not unlike Helena Howard’s breakout role in Madeline’s Madeline. How was working with Helena similar or different?

All three are just very instinctual; they just have to feel it or they can’t do the scene, it doesn’t feel real if the words don’t feel right, they have to fully inhabit their characters. That was a very strong continuity; with Helena, she really had to get deep into it, and feel it and live it and breathe it, very similar to the others.

It’s kinda funny, Evan now plays an AI, obviously, on Westworld. My husband was working on that at the same time as I was working on this, and that piece is set in the future but they had a ton of money to spend and we didn’t and I was like “grr!” [laughs] That was my challenge: how do you create that near-future without a Westworld budget. But it was really exciting because this whole show’s about technology, our love/hate affair with it: how we’re frustrated with it but we love it and depend on it and we embrace it and we’re excited by it. Since CGI has come a lot further, faster, over the last few years, you can just come up with a cool little idea—let me make that backpack glow, or let me add a solar balloon to the top of the school, or let me make the car glow like it has colored panels. So I was always trying to create little fun things like that that just gave you a hint that you were in the future, and then we could add them affordably in CGI.

Those little touches can often go a longer way than the bigger effects. Speaking of, I was struck by various recurring motifs or devices, including Aisha’s “crazy eyes” (when something goes wrong with her body) and the repetition of Aisha having to say “I accept” with regard to issues of consent and bodily autonomy. How intentionally did you highlight these and other motifs?

That’s so fun that you touched on that kind of stuff, because even the boy at the party [that Aisha hooks up with in episode 1 says,] “Are you sure this is OK? Is this OK? Are you alright with this?” It’s embedded in the culture, to ask for [consent]; but even when you ask for it, like when the male robot [asks to touch Aisha’s arm to give her information], it doesn’t feel very comfortable doing it: “I guess so, go ahead and touch me.” I think that scene was repeated but altered all through the movie, with humans, with robots, with happily consenting and unhappily consenting. It was repeated, but it was changed.

“Don’t look deeper” has so many potential meanings. Did it have a particular meaning for you while working on this project?

Part of it could be a cultural thing right now. I always think when I hear those words, “Don’t go deeper into the meaning behind whatever—systemic racism—just stay on the surface.” I feel like intellectually we do need to fight that phrase, “don’t look deeper”—yes, look deeper; yes, think more deeply; yes, care more. Dig into the details and the truth. For me, it’s the opposite of that—it’s a call for looking deeper.

You got your start as a production designer on sets run by Lisa Cholodenko, Cameron Crowe, Rachel Talalay, David O. Russell, and Richard Linklater, among others. Who are the female crew members from Don’t Look Deeper that you can shout out?

We really obviously tried to be as inclusive in the crew as we possibly could—with women, with people of color—and our crew turned out to be pretty amazing. Our DP is from Mexico, his whole crew were Latino; our AD is African-American; our second AD, a woman, [is] LGBT. Every time we tried [to ask,] “How can we seek people out in LA?” and that was a big goal, and hopefully we did pretty well. We got the ReFrame Stamp; it’s an initiative started by Sundance Institute and Women in Film, and the idea was—like how you can have “certified organic” stamped on your food, or LEED [certification] for an environmentally-sound building—you could have a stamp on your film that you did satisfy—not 50/50, but it’s getting toward 50/50 quotient of having women in key positions on your film.

We got that stamp: myself, editor Josie Azzam, composer Nora Kroll-Rosenbaum. The composer is an area that’s very low [female] representation on feature films, and that was amazing. That was partly due to Sundance; they have the [Film Music and Sound Design] Lab, where they really encourage and nurture up-and-coming female composers. That’s where I met Nora, and she just killed it; I love the score, it’s very imaginative. We had a female stunt coordinator, too! Her name is, believe it or not, Heidi Moneymaker, and she is a badass. We ended up with a nice gang, a nice group—a coven.

Love it! All film sets should have a coven.

Yes.

Don’t Look Deeper premieres July 27 on Quibi, with the season finale airing August 11.

The post Don’t Look Deeper: Catherine Hardwicke on Self-Discovery via the Turing Test appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3g48mCJ

#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

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littlewalken · 6 years ago

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Aug 18

Still haven’t decided if I’m buying yarn online. Lion has Ombre Life and Wrap Star both of which have a pink/tan to grey that I’m eyeing. If I order online from JoAnn and the colors are crappy I can take it back to the store which is good.

If you sell stuff online and worry people won’t like the colors or are picky about a match get a thing called a digital color card, color checker, color calibration card, search engines know what you mean. These are the same things NASA uses to make sure space colors are correct. Have one in your pictures and it’ll cover your butt.

As you can see whomever is arbitrating our disagreement, with the inclusion of the card you can tell that pound of Kroy Socks Copper Colors is much darker than what’s sold at the stores. The list says it’s an off color batch of mill ends and this could be all there is.

This bag of mill ends is definitely off color Kroy Socks Copper Colors. If you have a bunch and it’s too orange give it a good dark tea or coffee dye. The floof that came with it is a dull chocolate bar. I’m surprised they didn’t release it like this because it really is nice.

Still haven’t decided if I’m ordering some yarn online yet.

Mostly been knitting. The yarn I’m using I think is a Caron cake, the color is called Fairy Cake and it’s all shades of blue. I will be cutting out the darkest shade which doesn’t work and if it needs more length I’ll add Red Heart white as I have a couple super savers of that somehow.

I’m doing it on circular needles and I have to say that interchangeable Boye set almost ruined circulars for me. If you’ve ever had to tape the joints of those fu#kers together then you’ll know what I mean struggling as each stitch catches at each joint and then they still try to wiggle apart.

Regular one piece circular needles aren’t like that. Just a bit of scootching and it keeps cranking around and all I have to do is slip the markers marking each rotation or where I put in a couple of cables. The only grr was the neck line was too small to start, I went longest needles I could get, so I started that on a crochet hook.

Not only does the crocheted neck line look pretty it will also combat the stockinette stitch’s want to curl. Blocking ain’t gonna happen in this house. A same size hook will give you your gage, work a couple rows for the neck hole, use the knitting needles to pick up where you add additional stitches, continue on the circulars to length. If you want a crochet hem use the hook to pick the stitches off.

Or use one of those Knook hook things. I haven’t quite got a hold of double ended and classic Tunisian but I can Knook a bit.

I am thinking about bits and pieces of writing, which counts as writing, and trying to put things in order. What ever’s going on in my brain stimming with string is helping to calm it. Been having to lay down a bit more because of the anemia too.

If I had room in my room I’d have a recliner then I could have an anemia rest and do more stuff at the same time. Not in my room it’s exposed to pets and someone who doesn’t bathe often, spills food, and destroys anything that’s mine she can get her hands on because it’s mine.

With the PMLE I can’t just go out and meet the mail carrier if they bring a package unless I’m completely covered up. So far I’ve been lucky not to get any on my face but I keep it out of the sun.

I want to ask women who wear hijabs and burqas how they stay cool in 100+ weather. Just socks and covering my arms makes me feel stuffy.

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ethelbertpaul444-blog · 7 years ago

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Sean Penn Wrote The Worst Novel In Human History, I Read It

Sean Penn recently released Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff . i> It is, ostensibly, a tale. Sarah Silverman compared Penn to Mark Twain and E.E. Cummings . A Kirkus reviewer likened him to Kurt Vonnegut and David Foster Wallace. Salman Rushdie testified it a notebook that Thomas Pynchon and Hunter S. Thompson would adore, possibly because he longs for the good old days when people wanted him dead. It’s telling that all these figures of likenes are incapable of contradicting because they’re either famously reclusive or dead. Having recently read Bob Honey , i> I am confident in affirming it the literary equivalent of renal failure. Amazon div > To help you prepare yourselves, here are just a few of Penn’s countless wrongdoings against the English usage( he truly likes alliteration ): Evading the viscount fad of Viagratic assaults on virtual vaginas . i> Criminal dab and according personality crusts, bound together by dough . i> This goat-backed lioness began to howl like a bruxism bedevilled banshee . i> 1 The( Barely Existent) Plot Is Complete Nonsense Perhaps the only situation you need to know about Penn’s book is that the summary firstly period, about three elderly people coming murdered in their retirement home, is called “Seeking Homeostasis in Inherent Hypocrisy.” Penn writes like he’s inspected up every single oath in his thesaurus except “dictionary.” He exploits pointless expressions, then renders 70 footnotes to explain the definition of the unnecessary calls, because he assumes that his books aren’t at his stage of intellect. In a direction, he isn’t wrong. Here’s a ordinary sentence, in such a case describing a woman: Effervescence lived in her every cellular expression, and she had spizzerinctum to spare . i> Penn is of the view that if less is more, then more must be incredible. He writes romances like they’re a high school essay he’s hopeles to pad. Read Next Make Sure Your Private Data Stays That Way With A VPN So, about those murdered old-time parties. We’re introduced to Bob Honey, a successful but disaffected middle-aged white man who is brave enough to be suspicious on certain aspects of modern American life. Bob cultivated in waste management, and while selling his assistances in Iraq during the course of its American residence, he became convinced to kill elderly Americans for the government because … well, there’s no actual rationalization, because Penn has taken the artistic approaching of not making his hero any personality or idiosyncrasies. Penn then boldly parodys the Iraq War by pointing out that it was sometimes murderous, and sacred shit you guys, some people may have profited from that acts of violence. It’s an interesting see if these are the first words you’ve spoke since 2003. div > Now, you might be thinking, “OK, that doesn’t sound very profound, but it’s still reasonable to essay the Iraq War, right? ” To which I’d respond that Penn refers to the Pentagon as “the five-sided puzzle palace, ” then specifies a footnote that clarifies he represents “the Pentagon.” From there, we learn that the American administration looks threatened by age-old people who don’t buy fairly branded commodities. The only real plot pitch is that the NSA, a covert section of the EPA, and a assortment of conservative groundworks are working together on these old-fashioned people assassinations because the removal of the flatulence they contribute to the environment permits businesses to pollute more. Way to tackle America’s questions manager on, Sean Penn. After agreeing to help the government kill old-fashioned beings for no good reason, Bob’s drifts of America and the world eventually cause him to reach the marvelous realization that killing people is bad and that, holy shit, America might be bad more . i> So Bob tries and fails to kill a Trump stand-in while extricating his 20 -something girlfriend who has all the character development of a calculator with “BOOBS” written on it. And that’s it. Penn wrote a series of incoherent indignant tweets about America, then pulled them out to novel segment with shit like this TAGEND div > Behind decorative gabion walls, an elderly neighbor sits centurion on his porch watching Bob with unauthorized soupcon. Bob checks this. Detects fucked by his own face . i> 2 Sean Penn Never Learned What Satire Is The idea that the government is killing age-old parties doesn’t have a quality; it’s only there, because it’s something bad parties would do and grr, the government is bad. The whole bible is full-of-the-moon of that kind of vapid pseudo-criticism. Sean Penn is a man who looked at the world and its many issues in all of their breathtaking intricacy and reached judgments like maybe the media … might be influencing what we think about ! Have you considered that marketing might be … trying to manipulate you ? What if legislators … sometimes lie ? And engineering … could it have … downsides ? It’s baby’s first hot take, written at the tender age of 57. Here, for example, is what Penn has to say about millennials TAGEND div > Adderall and advertisers’ chickens had come home to roost. Bob find from feline millennials the disseminations of Instagrams blitzingly blazing from all directions … No one “ve spoken to” anyone, and when they did, it was more about those anthropomorphic arrows than it was the natural air of organically human pas … An age group so lost to letters and steeped in transactional copulation, it seemed of them that they recognise scarcely between an active orgasm and an acted one . i> Wow, sick smolder. Penn careens from “selfies are dumb” to two clauses on gun control to a brief aside on why hunting is good to long stretches during which good-for-nothing happens and no quality is met. It’s as if Penn thought that hurled verse is the fruit of getting one’s penis hurled in a car door. He likens people who buy substance( nothing in particular, exactly substance) to sheep, and then, in case you somehow weren’t going it, certifies: “BAHHH-BAHHH-BILDERBERG.” What do you have to say about sell, Sean? “Branding is being! Labelling is being! The algorithm of modern binary existentialism.” He even talks about ice cream trucks like he can’t get through a single conversation without boasting about his IQ: “The music of an ice cream truck sells sweetness, but its wares are cold and fattening.” But it’s Trump and his voters where Penn is at his least elegant TAGEND div > Between the id and the superego, the sheep had traded a love of their own children for the chance to cry, “Look at me! I’m a pisser on a tree! ” Ouch exits the human mind. Out reaches the orator’s brain-fart, this Jesus of Jonestown, this blind subject to Newtown, spews bile aplenty, to bitch us all down . i> So numerous statements haven’t been used to say so little since Ayn Rand was labor. The greatest insight Penn can muster up is calling Trump “Mein Drumpf” and “Mr. Landlord, ” before swearing “Sir, I request you to struggle. Tweet me, bitch. I dare you.” My cat has stepped on my keyboard and inadvertently referred tweets that are more politically insightful. And it gets worse, because … 3 Sean Penn Thinks It’s Deep To Use Racial Slurs Bob Honey isn’t some splendid subversion of republican Americans. It’s a jog polemical for how Penn watches America, mixed with the incisive equivalent of chewing a child because you think that Swift guy was onto something. So it’s not super huge that the only Mexican references are drug dealer who love tacos and tequila. Or that Penn uses the term “Jew-speak.” Or that the main gang of Iraq War profiteers and senior murderers are cannibalistic Papua New Guineans who wear grass hems and use jolt guns. div > Nothing answers profound commentary of modern America like “What if a knot of stereotypical immigrants are the cause of our problems? And then that’s it, there’s no insightful turn? ” The Guinean leader speaks events like “Caught me a client of kuru! I crackin’ a grizz, my bruva, ” because Sean Penn is systematically working to convince us that proficiency was a mistake. There’s a thin line between satirizing racial issues and only being racist, and Penn took a giant dump on that argument when he wrote the following in the middle of his closing anti-Trump manifesto. I rationalize in advance to like eight different groups of beings for exposing you to this TAGEND “You trying to kill me because I don’t actually believe we’re the ‘best’ country in the world? … You want to kill me, you boogeymen and women, you worshippers of tits, ass, and beefcake, you snivelling, vomitus, kike-, nigger-, towelhead-, and wetback-hating, faggot-fearing colostomy bags of humanity? ” Hey Sean, it’s actually possible to critique Trump and ethnic issues without descent innuendoes like you got a bulk slew on them at Costco. And somehow, that’s not even the worst part. 4 Shockingly, Sean Penn Might Have Some Publishes With Women Penn has a long autobiography of alleged domestic ill-treatment ,~ ATAGEND and while I’m not said today he has issues with women, he seems to be saying that himself. Bob’s ex-wife is described as a “chubby fuckin’ redhead whose supernatural still whorishly specters his bed.” In including references to a pitch-black woman Bob had a crush on, Penn writes: “He thought of her elegance and the enticement of her shaved and shapely cinnamon puts standing at the trailer’s screen door.” Oh, and here’s what he has to say about women with the valour to destroy America by expending makeup: “Had she sold the mythology of her quietnes for cosmetic self-awareness? Going older in America is tough on a woman; discovering what she’ll do to avoid it is tough on a man.” Then there’s Bob’s girlfriend, Annie, whose attributes include being great at making cock from Bob and actually liking Bob. She has no personality , no passions , no rulings. What we do know is that “She may have even been too young. But Bob never riled himself to those used distinctions.” And when Annie writes Bob a tone, she signs it: “My love and vagina( on your squad ). “ div > Other female courages include a bad young baby, a volunteer who gets suck on the number of jobs, a waitress who is described as an “undernourished nymphomaniac, ” and a “lesbo-leaning lunatic” who nearly shits herself. There’s also an “awful chimera” who does shit herself while precipitating overboard and get gobbled by “fifty frenzied sharks( adios, amiga ), ” in one of several instances of Penn exploiting cases of violence against women for the purpose of humor. I study I’ve detected Penn’s fetish, and it’s wives getting hurt and shitting themselves. If you aren’t previously turned off, allow me to perpetually devastate gender for you with Penn at his most erotic TAGEND What a magical vagina, Bob foresaw, after inquiring it for hours . i> “Good vagina. Maybe more Vietnam.” ( Greenback: “Vietnam” is what Penn calls pubic hair .) Tedious trickling of cold cunt soup . i> Now here’s a merriment excerpt from the, ugh , five-and-a-half-page rhyme that culminates the novel TAGEND Where did all the chuckles go ? i> Are you out there, Louis C.K .? i> Once critical conversations Kept us on our toes ; i> Was it actually in our interest div > To stomp Charlie Rose ? i> And what’s with this ‘Me Too’ ? i> This infantizing period of the day … i> Is this a toddler’s crusade ? i> Reducing crime, slut-shaming, and suffrage to reckless child’s comedy ? i> A pulpit for accusation immunity ? i> Due process has lost its sheen ? i> Again, there’s no irony here. Other parts of the poem are serious complaints about issues like mass shootings. Penn just got to the end of a story that he clearly made less time to write than most people devote crafting SpongeBob memes, and expended a half-second deliberation, “Hey, what if it was actually bad that a 76 -year-old millionaire was shot for frequently molesting dames? ” And then he zooms on, like a philosophical collision and feed. He wants to offer half-assed commentary on everything he’s ever glimpsed in the news. And that, I feel, is because … 5 Sean Penn Desperately Wants To Sound Smart The New York Times called Penn’s book “a problem wrapped in an mystery and cloaked in crazy.” I have a simpler explanation: It sucks. “Riddle” implies that there’s something smart to be collected from it. There isn’t. It’s public masturbation. Penn quotes and comments Herodotus, Norman Mailer, Inmar Berman, Jack Kerouac, Phil Ochs, Albert Camus, and more, because like your most ruffling Facebook acquaintances, he thinks that knowing their lists of smart beings stimulates him smart by proxy. div > This garbage has been declared to have “almost immeasurable charm” seemingly alone because it entitles Donald Trump fat. The particularly reality that it was published at all is the eventual lesson of pointing on a arc. Sean Penn is a celebrity, so of course we have to put out his inanity. Penn took the adventurous political stance that ha ha, Trump has a small penis, so of course it’s provocative. Even some of the many people who thumped it was better called it happens like “brave” or a misfired account. It’s not, and it isn’t. That Penn recognizes this record as some kind of daring statement against branding is the high levels of hypocrisy and arrogance. This work is on shelves merely because Sean Penn is a “brand.” I realise the absurdity now, that I’m contributing to the attention that Penn is getting. But this isn’t really a commentary; it’s a notice. Don’t buy this volume because Sarah Silverman called it a “masterpiece.” Don’t buy this notebook out of melancholy curiosity. Taunting documents sent by serial gunmen have contributed more to American culture than this book ever will, and the only beneficial thought we can do is ignore it like it’s an attention-seeking babe. If I still haven’t persuaded you, here’s what Sean Penn has to say after a scene in which a helicopter crushes a woman TAGEND “As for Helen Mayo, they did Sikh and find abides. Get it? Sikh! Get it ??? ” I know you’ll do the right thing. Mark is on Twitter, and has a book with a better rating than Penn’s . Guess we’d be remiss not to relate “youve got to” where you could purchase the book, so here it is if “youve been” demand it . b > i> Support Cracked’s journalism with a tour to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you . b > i> For more comical personality literature, check out I Read Steven Seagal’s Insane Novel So You Don’t Have To and 6 Ugly Things You Hear About Donald Trump Reading His Books . b > i> You certainly should be following us on Facebook . b > i> Read more: http :// www.cracked.com/ blog/ sean-penn-wrote-worst-novel-in-human-history-i-read-it / http://dailybuzznetwork.com/index.php/2018/06/08/sean-penn-wrote-the-worst-novel-in-human-history-i-read-it/

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Sean Penn Wrote The Worst Novel In Human History, I Read It

Sean Penn recently released Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff. It is, ostensibly, a novel. Sarah Silverman compared Penn to Mark Twain and E.E. Cummings. A Kirkus reviewer equated him to Kurt Vonnegut and David Foster Wallace. Salman Rushdie declared it a book that Thomas Pynchon and Hunter S. Thompson would love, possibly because he longs for the good old days when people wanted him dead. It’s telling that all these figures of comparison are incapable of disagreeing because they’re either famously reclusive or dead. Having recently read Bob Honey, I am confident in declaring it the literary equivalent of renal failure.

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To help you prepare yourselves, here are just a few of Penn’s many atrocities against the English language (he really likes alliteration):

Evading the viscount vogue of Viagratic assaults on virtual vaginas.

Criminal crumbs and corresponding celebrity crusts, bound together by dough.

This goat-backed lioness began to hoot like a bruxism bedevilled banshee.

The (Barely Existent) Plot Is Complete Nonsense

Perhaps the only thing you need to know about Penn’s book is that the brief first chapter, about three elderly people getting murdered in their retirement home, is called “Seeking Homeostasis in Inherent Hypocrisy.” Penn writes like he’s looked up every single word in his thesaurus except “dictionary.” He uses unnecessary terms, then provides 70 footnotes to explain the definition of the unnecessary terms, because he assumes that his readers aren’t at his level of intelligence. In a way, he isn’t wrong.

Here’s a typical sentence, in this case describing a woman: Effervescence lived in her every cellular expression, and she had spizzerinctum to spare. Penn thinks that if less is more, then more must be incredible. He writes novels like they’re a high school essay he’s desperate to pad.