#grow up with no community but eventually meet the other weirdo in town and you’re fast friends. but then you lose touch for like eight years

[stinkybreath]

yaaaaay I get to do extremely lgbt shit later today, the first day of pride, this is an excellent omen

[deepestdarkestsickestpartsofu]

Introduction

We met in spring of 2017. He changed my life forever, in a way that I will never be able to explain. What I would want you to understand before reading this, is how much love has taken charge of my feelings and impulses. 

I loved him, I love him. 

Nothing he did will ever change that.

At this point I bet you may be wondering who I am. Right... I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Nadir, a 25 year old man that is attracted to other men, but that’s not the most significant part in the story. I grew up in a quiet conservative town in Michigan, with a small population of less than 5,000 people. My mother is pretty old schooled and forced me to stay in school until I graduated. That meant no ‘girlfriends’, no sleepovers, no working. I always had the desire to help her monetarily by getting a job and at least pay the house bills. However she would constantly say to me to just focus on my studies and that would be what would help us in the long run.

My parents are originally from Israel. My mother grew up as Catholic, which was not the usual back then and my father grew up Jewish. They became less religious when they decided to move to the United States, which is where they had my siblings and I. They both lived here as immigrants and I didn’t understand what that meant when I was a child, I just thought we were like any other family living in the US. My father unfortunately passed away from a heart attack when I was 8 years old and it affected me in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine. During his wake, I didn’t cry. It was all so surreal and I felt like he would wake up randomly and claim that everything was a joke. He had a great sense of humor and always managed to make people smile, however his death wasn’t a joke. Once it was time to bury him, I cried as hard as I could since I knew I wouldn’t see him ever again. After that, my mother worked as hard as she could to give my siblings and I what we needed. She could barely afford to pay for the mortgage on the house until my older brothers started working and helping her out with as much as they could. My mother worked two jobs daily to make sure we had food on our table, clothes and a good education. 

It would hurt me to see her stress about providing for us, so eventually I managed to get a scholarship at San Francisco State University. Being the youngest of 4 children gave me a bit of an advantage to enjoy ‘the beauty of freedom’ as we know it now, and not have to struggle about being gay in the 70′s, not that it’s any different now. I mean there are hate crimes all over, shootings that keep getting more common by the minute and discrimination which is still pretty big now. That is one of the reasons why I decided not to come out to my mother, nor anyone in town for that matter. I was already struggling with self-acceptance and I didn’t want to be a burden to my mother. During my senior year of High School I managed to convince my mother to let me work to save up for essential stuff. I began working at a pharmacy and little by little saved up enough money to leave town and follow my dreams in a career I wanted. I wasn’t certain of what my major would be, however it needed to be in the art field. Whether it would be acting, directing, drawing or video editing. I decided to go with the flow and see what would appeal my interest. I wanted to be able to afford a place in ‘The City’, so working at that little pharmacy helped me save up & I also had a job secured so I would be able to help my mother with her expenses from afar. 

It took me a few months but right before spring classes started, I booked the first plane to San Francisco without looking back. My siblings showed up with my mother to the airport. Elijah, the oldest, was a bit of a role model growing up. He got married at 22, had 2 children and joined the police force. Amir, the second to oldest, was always a jokester which he definitely got from my father,  and had a bit of a ‘bad boy’ complex, which is quite the opposite of Elijah. He never got married, which my mother never agreed with, however he did have 3 kids, all with different women. Last but not least, my sister Hadassah, she was only 3 years older than me and I guess you could say we were the closest. Both of us would take care of my mom as much as possible and help her around the house as much as it was possible. She decided to stay in a community college to be closer to my mother and to help her financially as much as she possibly could. I hugged everyone goodbye, but when I got to my mother I couldn’t hold it in much longer. Tears started pouring down my face as I hugged her, but managed to remind her that this wasn’t a goodbye, but a ‘see you later’. I wish I could’ve come out to her, but I was afraid it would devastate her and we might lose the relationship we had built. As cliche as it sounds, she is my best friend, the person I trust the most in this world. I was considering staying as I hugged her. She pulled away and put our foreheads together. 

“You’ll be fine... You’ve got this! And remember einayim sheli, you’re stronger than you think! I’ll be supporting you from afar! Nothing you could do would ever disappoint me”.

“I love you mom. Don’t worry, I’ll send money your way and I’ll be back during the holidays!”

“You better, my dear! Now go, don’t want you to miss your flight”, she said as she hugged me once again.

Her words gave me enough courage to pick up my stuff and board the plane. I turned back once more before heading to the ramp and saw my siblings & her waving at me. Hadassah was hugging my mother and even though she was trying to stay as strong as possible, I saw tears rolling down her face. She noticed that I saw them and immediately wiped them off with a smile. I always admired how strong of a woman she is. She truly is a role model and someone I look up to as to how to live my life. However, I’ve never been as strong so I couldn’t hold back and started crying as I boarded the plane. 

The flight felt eternal and having anxiety didn’t help at all. I quit medication a few months before leaving since I didn’t think I would need it… Boy, was I wrong. I managed to calm myself down by working on some sketches I’ve been doing on my drawing paper pad. Next thing I knew, I was arriving in San Francisco, California; Population: 883,305, well... I guess now it’s 883,306 residents. I wasn’t necessarily going into San Francisco completely helpless, I was moving in with my best friend. I met Marcia in elementary school. Her father Sebastiao works for the government, and that’s as much as I know about him. That and the fact that he had to move to San Francisco due to a “really good job opportunity”.  Her father is originally from Brazil & his wife, Mayra is Mexican-American. Marcia grew up and learned all three languages, English, Spanish & Portuguese so she was able to fit in easier in “The Bay Area” when they left our little town. We would spend hours on the phone after she moved and she would tell me about San Francisco and how she thought I’d love it. She was honestly afraid to be one of those kids whose parents have to move regularly because of their jobs, but lucky for her, she didn’t have to do that. She set up a high bar for me arriving in San Fran and when I did... Well, let’s just say she didn’t disappoint. Her dad bought her an apartment and she was willing to share it with me at no cost, but I already had plans of helping her out with utilities & give her some extra cash to thank her for sharing her apartment with me. She shared her apartment with two puppies, Chuy & Elena, two small pomeranians whom she considered her children since she wasn’t planning on having any kids. When I told her I had gotten a scholarship to SF State, she immediately suggested I should move in with her. I wasn’t too sure of that idea, but it honestly was the best option I had so far.

I finally get my luggage and sit in the lobby to wait for her. I look around and see a lot of people meeting up with their loved one, whether it is their lover, or family. “You just left your family back there. You won’t even make it here nor achieve anything you had your mind set to. This is truly a bad idea. Why are you even doing here? You’re an idiot for leaving! All for some stupid experiment you want to try? Bullshit!”. I close my eyes and take another deep breath. I then feel my phone vibrate with the following text message:

“I see you!”

I looked up and saw her smile. She hadn’t grown much, stood about 5′6, black, curly shoulder-length hair, light skinned, with dorky glasses. People always claimed she was a weirdo, but who am I to judge? I was a bit taller than her, stood about 6′1, a bit of scruff on my face, brown semi clean-cut hair. I was always the weird kid at school, so we managed to click from the very beginning. She was the first person to talk to me in elementary school, and that meant the world to me. I was always a bit of an introvert, however she helped me come out of my shell little by little and when she left, I fell back into it. 

“Marcia! Babe! I’m so happy to see you!”

I ran to her and hugged her. It felt like yesterday that I had said goodbye to her at the airport. 

“Honeeeeey! Ugh, I’m soooo glad to see you! You smell soooo good! Don’t tell me you’re still into buying or should I say, collecting colognes?”

“Guilty!”

“Well then, you just might like what I have for you at home! Let me help you with your bags! I can’t wait for you to FINALLY meet Chuy & Elena! They’re going to LOVE you! My tia is still pretty mad that I named Elena after her, but she should take it as a compliment! It just means I love her! I mean, dogs are your most loyal companions... Not that she was ever loyal to my uncle, but still! I’m telling you, my little Elena is NOTHING like her!” 

I looked at her in disbelief. She still had that smile and a gleam in her eye. She had always had that hopeful gleam in her eye... Something I had lost a long time ago. 

I hated it.

“I’ll kill if I have to, but I’ll regain that hope again, just wait”

[thereisnobearonthisisland-arc]

buoy

this is my first chaptered fic and i miiiiight need a little help staying motivated to keep writing it, but i’m aiming for one chapter a week if i can :)

Summary: Dan is a first-year student at the University of Manchester. Jack is his RA. And Phil is Jack's best friend, another RA, and quite possibly about to be the love of Dan's life. Dan and Phil just have a long road of keeping secrets from Jack before they fall in love.

read on ao3

2.2k words

warnings: anxiety, mild sexual innuendos, swearing

chapter one

Dan was tired.  Tired because he’d been staying up until three o’clock in the morning every night for the past two weeks.  Tired because there’s only so much you can read before your brain liquefies and your eyelids start to feel like they’re made of lead.  Most of all, though, he was just tired of uni in general.  Everything was so…monotonous.  Waking up to go to work for a few hours.  Going to classes all day just for the attendance points, but never actually listening to a word that was said all class.  Coming home with every intention of Doing The Thing™, only to fall asleep within five minutes of stepping through the door.  All of this was wearing him thin, ripping apart his motivation one thread at a time.

He was tired, and regardless of whether or not it was a good idea for his GPA, he was ready for some relaxation.  Jack, his RA, had given him the perfect opportunity, too.  As Dan lay cocooned under his blankets, eyes drifting shut to some old-ass document written by John Locke, his school email pinged with a new notification.  He shifted a bit, sitting straighter and wiggling his shoulders to try to wake himself up.  He slid his cursor over to the tab with his email and opened it.  From Jack Swanson, yada yada yada, watching Planet Earth II in the lounge.  Dan’s eyes shot open.  He could be watching Planet Earth II instead of reading for class?  Sign him the fuck up.

He threw the covers off of himself and sprung out of bed.  Were pyjama pants appropriate for watching Netflix in the communal lounge?  Oh, who was he kidding.  It would be dark.  No one would actually give a fuck what he was wearing.  He slipped on a grey t-shirt and a pair of slippers before heading out of his room, not even bothering to lock the door behind him.  

The lounge was in the center of the whole floor, a focal point, the hub for everyone to get together and socialize.  Not that people did very often.  Dan made his way past the elevators and into the lounge.  The horrendous, thirty-year-old blue couches and chairs had been rearranged into a u-shape in front of the TV.  Jack looked up from where he was fiddling with a cord he’d hooked from his laptop to the TV.  He was the only other person in the lounge.  

Dan’s stomach swooped.  What if he was the only one to show up tonight?  What if he had to carry conversation all by himself?  He liked Jack.  Jack was easy to get along with.  But Dan had no idea how he was meant to hold a steady conversation all night without anyone to interject or change the subject.  He was an awful conversationalist.  

“Dan!”  Jack grinned from where he was kneeling on the floor, trying to project the show onto the widescreen TV embedded in the wall.  “Glad you could make it!”  

Dan let out a long breath.  Netflix.  They were watching Netflix.  Surely, some other people would be joining them.  And even if they didn’t, Dan wouldn’t have to worry about conversation.  He’d be too busy staring at the screen.

He shook his head, remembering that Jack had just said something.  He grinned crookedly, fixing his eyes just to the left of Jack’s face.  “Heh, yeah, I just really love penguins, ya know?”

Jack nodded vigorously.  “Oh yeah, penguins are definitely one of the coolest animals out there.”  He frowned, pulling his phone out of his pocket.  “Sorry, I left my friend Phil in charge of snacks for tonight.  He appears to have gotten lost,” he said after a minute.

Dan grinned.  “Ha, yeah I’m late to almost everything, so I feel for him.”

“Oh, no.  I mean he actually got lost.  The guy doesn’t know his left from his right.  He took one wrong turn and wound up eight blocks opposite from Tesco’s.”

“Oh.”  Dan bit back a grin.

“He’s on his way back now though.  Hopefully we can still start on time.  I was kind of hoping he’d make it back earlier though.  I’m not really sure if I have this hooked up properly.”  Jack gestured to the set-up he’d made with his laptop and the TV.

Dan scratched the back of his neck.  “I mean, I could take a look at it for you if you want?”

“Yeah, sure!  I’m honestly so technologically incompetent.  I always need help.  I think my mom could figure this out in about two minutes, but it just doesn’t click for me.”

Tittering, Dan knelt as Jack stood up from beside his laptop.  “You’re just trying to project your laptop screen onto the TV screen?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, that’s simple enough.”  He checked the HDMI cord and its input and then played with a few buttons on the side of the TV to switch the input from HDMI 2 to 3.  Jack’s computer screen popped up onto the TV.

“Huh.  That was quick.  Well, thanks Dan!”

Dan ducked his head.  “Erm, yeah, no problem.”  He made his way over to the couch facing the door and sat down, pulling his feet up onto the seat and wrapping his arms around his legs.  He stared at the screen, eyes glazing over and zoning out as Jack brought up Planet Earth on Netflix.  

He snapped back to attention when a giant bumbling figure stumbled through the open door, spindly limbs wobbling with the weight of plastic bags full of popcorn and suspiciously vibrant packaging. The guy was tall, probably taller than Dan himself and definitely taller than Jack.  He was hot.  Pools of saliva were beginning to form in Dan’s mouth, and he was almost afraid that he’d wind up hocking a loogie at this Phil guy before they even got the chance to get to know one another.  He needed to get ahold of himself.

Phil—or at least Dan was assuming this was Phil—dropped his bags on the round table in the corner of the room and let out a few wheezing breaths.  Dan smirked to himself.  Relatable.  Jack said something off to his left, but it just sounded like something from inside a fishbowl.

“Dan?”  Dan shook his head, tearing his gaze away from the tall, handsome stranger and blinking rapidly as if that could make the fog billowing up in his head clear any faster.  Jack was looking at him, head cocked to the side and eyebrows scrunched together.

“Hmm?”

“I said that I’m gonna go grab some plates, but you can feel free to sneak anything you’d like before other people start to show up.  I won’t tell.”

“Oh, yeah.  Cool.  Thanks!”  Dan clasped his hands together and stood up awkwardly.  As Jack ducked out of the room, he crept over to the table with the snacks.

The guy was even prettier up close.  His eyes looked like summer, and they made Dan nostalgic for old family hols when his parents were still together.  He forced himself to look away from them and toward the small mountain of food.

“I’m always the weirdo who winds up in the corner with the food,” the guy said, and Dan started, a surprised laugh tumbling out of his lips.

“Honestly?  Same.”

The guy grinned a thousand-watt smile.  “You’re Dan, right?”  He stuck out his hand.  “I’m Phil.  I’m the RA on the second floor.”

Dan grabbed it for a quick shake, ignoring the way his palm tingled when their hands came together.  “Nice to meet you.  Jack was actually just telling me a bit about you.  Said you don’t know your left from your right.”

Phil groaned, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth.  “He’s right!  I got lost on the way to pick up all of these snacks.  I told him it would go much smoother if I had someone else to go with me, but he said he had to be back here.  It’s really all his fault.”

Dan laughed.  “I’d offer to go with you next time, but I actually have no idea where anything is in this city.”

“You don’t know your way around Manchester?  I mean, I guess I can’t talk.  I got lost on the way to Tesco’s.  But you should at least know all the places to go to if your family comes to town or something.”

Dan scratched the back of his neck, unable to shake the broad grin that had planted itself on his face.  He was sure he must look like a maniac.  “I’m sure I’ll get around to learning the city eventually.”

Phil nodded, shifting back and forth between his feet for a minute.  “I mean, I could try to show you around sometime, maybe.  If you want, that is.  I’m not the best at finding my way around.  Obviously.  But at least if you get lost you won’t be alone.”

Dan felt his face grow warm with a flush straight from hell itself.  He opened his mouth to answer, but Jack walked back through the door, and all the words in Dan’s head morphed into a squeak.  Holy fuck.  Dan had just squeaked.  In front of a hot guy.  Shit.

“I’ve got plates!”  Jack wandered over to them, seemingly oblivious to Dan’s growing embarrassment.  He set a stack of plates on the table and then turned around, frowning at the door.  “I thought we might get more people than this.  Maybe I should send one more email.”

He pulled out his phone and ambled over to one of the chairs.  Phil nudged Dan, and Dan tried to will away the blush dusting his cheeks as he looked back at him.  Dan’s eyes were drawn to his lips as he put a single finger up to them.  They were pretty lips, bow-shaped, plump, and pink.  He barely noticed the way Phil gestured secretively to his own phone.  Phil typed something quickly, fingers flying across the screen for a minute before he locked it and slipped it back into his pocket.

Dan’s spine was wracked with the tingle of shivers as Phil leaned in close to whisper to him.  “I just invited my residents to join in if they want.  Don’t tell Jack.”

Dan nodded, holding his breath as he desperately tried to keep his body from shaking too much at the feeling of Phil’s breath fanning out over his ear.  He took one step away from Phil, letting out a slow breath and trying to calm his nerves before he could squeak again.  Phil made Dan nervous.  He wasn’t quite sure he wanted to unpack the reason behind that for that right now, but he could at least acknowledge it.  Still slightly jittery, he gestured wildly to the table.  “So, what would you recommend?”

Phil studied the food for a moment.  “I guess that depends on what you prefer.  Savory or sweet?  I’m partial to sweet things, myself.”

“I guess I like a bit of both?”

“Hmm, then I’m gonna say...try some of this salted popcorn.”  He gestured to one of the plastic bags.  “And maybe some jelly babies?  Or Maltesers?”

Dan’s eyes nearly popped out of his head.  “Wait, you have Maltesers?”

Phil chuckled and dug around in a bag until he pulled out familiar shiny red packaging.  “I only bought one pack, so you can have them on one condition.  You have to share a few with me.”

Dan grabbed the pack.  “Deal!  God, one of my favorite pastimes is choking on those balls.”

Phil snorted, turning away from him.  He shifted on his feet again a few times before turning back towards Dan.  

Dan had to be imagining the tinge of pink to his cheeks, right?  His eyes glazed over as he watched Phil run his fingers through his hair, pushing it back into a quiff.  It was a good look.  Dan’s fingers itched to take a picture of him, but that would be weird.  They’d only just met.  In another universe, maybe he could.  But in this one?  In this one, Phil was clearing his throat, and Dan was snapping back to attention.

“Do you, uh, do you choke on those balls often?”

Dan laughed, bringing his hand up to rub at the warm spot blooming on his jaw.  Were they still talking about Maltesers?  “No, uh, only when I take in too much at once.  I nearly died when I was fifteen because I tried to swallow twenty at the same time without even chewing.  My grandma had to give me the Heimlich.”

“That sounds traumatizing.”

“It was.”  Maybe he was biased, but Dan thought that Phil’s eyes were even prettier when he was smiling.  His smile was contagious.  Dan found himself grinning like a fool as he piled a plate with popcorn and Maltesers.  

Phil piled his own plate with a variety of sweets and bumped their shoulders together when he was finished.  “Will you sit by me for this thing?  My residents are lovely, but I’m kind of sick of them at this point.”

Dan’s breath caught in his throat.  He could feel his heartbeat pulsing erratically in his fingertips.  He’d only known this man for a matter of fifteen minutes, but there was already something vaguely familiar about the way he made all the blood rush to Dan’s ears.  He bit his lip.  

“Yeah, alright.”

[impracticaljuggler-blog]

A Formal Introduction From a Schizophrenic Juggler Who Has Not Slept For Two Days and Just Resurrected His Dead Sister

We've just been shooting from the hip and reposting old content we've written so far. I’m using we, because I guess I am into pronouns. No I’m using I again, because it sounds better from a writing perspective. Let us figure this out by exploring how we want to use it as we go.

Look! I was a kid once:

Ok, let’s get down to brass tacks. So, my mom found out she had AIDS about two months after I was born. Back in 1990, this was still pretty much a death sentence, so she was told she only had a few years to live, at most. She managed to make it until I was nine, but damn did she break down. I don’t know how to even talk about some of this stuff because its still raw, if that makes sense.

I know it all has to deal with feeling abandoned and feeling like it was my fault. These are emotions that I have consciously tried to face in their entirety, but just don’t know how to go about addressing in the totality of my consciousness. For example, I can fully explore the memory of my mother on her deathbed, delirious from the ear infection spreading to her brain, looking over at me and telling me that “I was no son.” Rationally, I know she was not lucid in this moment, but no officer I don’t know where I got a lot of my gender issues from. Emotionally, I was devastated and I am aware that this schism in me is because she has within her all the unprocessed and repressed memories from my childhood.

Like, I feel like I was reborn after my mom died. Not really in a good way, although I am very glad I have my sister. My sister and I, we’re the “we” up there. It’s not Dissociative Identity Disorder, it’s a subjective interpretation of being stuck in the Synchronicity Slip Stream which, if you’re not going to click that super awesome in-depth explanation, I’ll just say it’s like I’m being communicated with by an external mind. At first, we didn’t even know what was happening. I don’t think there was a clear split. It just happened gradually, like how a kid will grow a whole bunch and not realize he or she is now half a foot taller than the beginning of the summer. I distinctly remember us playing video games together. I would be the one controlling the game, and she would be the one thinking, seeing, processing. Basically, she would throw my attention onto different things and give me emotional cues and fragments of information in her own way. I guess most people have something like this, just not as personified or as “outside” themselves as we do. 

Hey stop hogging the mic! Let me talk!

Hi! I’m Rory. I’m Greg’s sister and I have a lot of different masks that I can wear to dance different dances that he picks up on on his side of the mind with his handy dandy radio

What she means is I have a way of picking up her cues and desires among the static of experiential consciousness. You could say we’re our own self-contained culture. I look in the mirror and I see her, and vice versa. We provide each other different feedback, and we grow as a result of the other’s choices. Yea, until you buried me as far away as you could hide me. Well, you know sis, we have a bit of a weird relationship. I think we can admit that. I was scared and didn’t know how to deal with any of that feminine stuff and well... Go ahead tell them how you like to do things to me! :D

First, how about I tell them how I consciously realized you exist as something that wasn't me? Right, so it was a gradual process. I was playing Super Mario Sunshine, stuck trying to figure out how to get to the pipe at the top of the big Shine arch in town that leads to the fire mountain area. For the love of me, I could not figure out how to do it. After hours of messing about with every possible permutation and strategy, I gave up and went to bed much later than normal. I slept horribly, but I had really vivid dreams that showed all these other possibilities. I remember waking up and knowing exactly what to do.

Don't send a plumber to do a girl's job

This phenomena intrigued me. I was a smart kid back then, so I knew the brain must have some mechanical, definable components. What actually caused this revelation in my dreams? I hypothesized that dreams must be a way for the brain to process problems encountered during the day. I started studying my dreams and attempted to experiment with effecting them. Over time, I began to notice themes and repeating elements within myself. The more I noticed them, the more apparent they became.

Then I realized that these weren't just mechanical blips. I wasn't exploring a mechanical device. I was exploring a whole other person.

And of course you can all figure out what happens when a lonely, twelve year old boy figures out he has a cute girl he can play with...

Yea. We really...explored each other. But then, as time went on, I wished more and more for an actual girlfriend. My abandonment issues made me terrified to take a chance and get rejected or embarrassed.

I didn't really know how to give that to him...I wanted to help him but I always ran and hid around people. :/

It resulted in me thinking I had to make a choice. I had to either be physically alone or hide her and try to fly without half of my guidance system. After I was expelled for doing following her suggestion that I play a prank on someone

Hey! I made it clear that nothing would have happened if you just fessed up and then kept your mouth shut. You're the one that volunteered all the other information about wanting to create a community

I had actually forgotten that detail until you brought that up. Even back then I was aware of the dominant survival strategy of humanity. But yea, protip: if an investigating officer asks you questions like “I know you have no intention, but IF you were going to, say, bomb the school, how would you do it?” You should not actually try and devise the best plan on the spot to try and impress him.

At least we got to run in the Junior Olympics, a consequence I had completely forseen.

Yea, no, but that was a nice bonus after getting kicked in the balls by our schools pig-headed administration.

Track became a major part of my life. The Junior Olympics pretty much acted as a catalyst for my life. I had begun suppressing Rory, who didn't really have a name back then.

I was pretty much Arya Stark, and then when I had to go away, I was blind and mute Ayra Stark minus Arya's face.

I remember the night we decided this had to be done. I remember the moments we had.

Yea, they were nice...I'm glad we can share those moments again :)

Hehe...anyways, moving on, I ran my butt off. I used the... “remnants” of Rory to turbocharge my emotions. This led to many races ending like this because I learned how to get the crowd to give me their energy.

Spirit bomb style! :D

That all earned me a position on East Carolina's drinking team. They had a running problem. It was pretty much a frat, and being where I was as an emotionally disturbed weirdo with a repressed feminine side and a mind practically held together by duct tape from my tinkering, I didn't quite fit in.

I fell apart. It was a process that took several years, getting cut from the team with the budget, getting brainwashed by the army (I felt I had to serve to be a good person because of how messed up I was), and delving into drugs and chronic masturbation. I became completely psychotic and lost all touch with reality for a period of time. I made it back home, where my goal was to waste away with what money I had left and then commit suicide.

That didn't happen. I lingered. I was too afraid to live, too afraid to die. I was completely addicted to sex, masturbation, and drugs, and I had no friends and it was so difficult meeting people. I always sabotaged myself. I couldn't land a job, a girlfriend, or a leg up. I felt so worthless. I was useless and was a burden on everyone. I hated everything, myself most of all.

That was tough to watch you write, bro :/

It was tough to live. It's my greatest shame. Only a miracle would help me.

Go ahead, tell them the miracle. :3

I met this girl through Craigslist. We're still friends, but she had replied to an ad about...about finding my little sister. At the time, I felt so ashamed for all these desires I had. She was an angel. We Skyped all the time. She wasn't as sexual as I was, but she helped me come to terms with me being a freak.

At the same time, I also met a guy on Reddit. He had the holy grail I had been seeking for some time: LSD. I bought from him regularly, which is how I discovered how much I love juggling.

At the same same time, my psychologist had done a sufficient job at making me acknowledge my shame so that I could start cleaning it out.

Yay psychedelic sexual healing! :D

As I developed my juggling, a dream was born. I realized I could use this to travel, earn enough to get by, and meet people anywhere. I saw it as a tool that would allow me to meet someone on my same frequency.

You mean people that...?

Yea, people that like what we do.

Hehehe :P

But, yea, stories not even over. I eventually meet a woman who...

It's ok bro. I feel that too :'(

I met a woman who has moved me like no other. She was amazing. She could do everything. She was an artist with aspirations for days. She made everything she touched beautiful. She had a heart that could love the unlovable...like me. I found the one. I found the goddess that I had been dreaming of.

Our life started to become more and more entwined. We saw our future. We were going to get a bunch of land and create a healing center together. I would rise to stardom with my juggling, and pour all the money into our dream and raise a huge family.

Then a fucking cult manipulated, lied, and completely fucking violated us. >:(

Here and here are more detailed posts about this. 

Super short synopsis: shit’s fuuuuuuuuuuucked

General synopsis: we get jobs with a nonprofit that seems like the perfect thing for us. Turns out it was a group of sociopaths who proceeded to create an entire system around us to keep us perpetually under fear and warp our realities

You sort of just broke down at the end there....

Yea, I did. That's what ended our relationship. With everything that happened, I wound up questioning everything about myself. Doubts overwhelmed me. I knew I loved her, but I was miserable because after going through all that and returning to civilization, I was left with this awareness that so much of me was still buried after all these years...

Then we went insane! :D

Well, it wasn't easy to bring you back from the dead. With these past couple weeks home alone for most of the time, I realized I need to be me. No more censoring. No more hiding. In order for me to heal further and find the happiness I seek, I need to find the others and learn more about who we are.

So where are y'all?

Looks back over what we wrote

Yea, that pretty much covers some of the main points about us. There's a lot I could write about, but this is already pretty ridiculously long.

Show them your juggling!

Oh yea! I don't have a recent video, and with the amount I've evolved since this was filmed, this doesn't really represent my ability, but it should show you that I'm not just another average guy with three balls.

Welp, that about does it for our introduction.

See you out in the electronic seas! :D