#grievingmoms

[sineadshinelight]

The scars that society say are too ugly to show That only look the way they do because they weren’t given the care and attention needed as healing Perhaps if those scars were treated with more kindness, they would look more like love than pain Repost from @marklemonofficial • Grief. #grief #griefquotes #bereavement #grief #griefandloss #griefawareness #griefjourney #griefrecovery #griefsupport #grieving #grievingprocess #healing #healingjourney #hope #suicideloss #grievingmother #grievingmom #scar https://www.instagram.com/p/CnQ90mEszB0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[danilovesivars]

Not My Baby to Hold

Hey Charlie, I wrote something a little more than a week ago. I closed my laptop and didn’t save it. It was gone. I was exhausted I couldn’t write it again. I’m tired. Tuesday I started feeling very anxious and uneasy. Like I felt like you were lost. Like I didn’t know where you were. Denial was setting back in. Wednesday I took Riley to school but when we got in there we were waiting to talk to her principal and the office was really busy and she got really anxious and broke down. Eventually she did better and I went home. When I got home I got angry. So angry. I couldn’t control he tears. Then the tears turned into screaming so much shouting and screaming from the bottom of my lungs. Eventually I couldn’t breathe. I tried to get outside for air but it didn’t help. Our neighbour was out and came right over and sat with me until I started to calm down a bit. Then the school called because Riley was sick. The rest of the night tears just continued to slowly stream down my face. While I tried to watch tv, while I read, while I slept. Today I feel exhausted and dehydrated. No amount of water seems to be enough. I feel weak and shaky. It won't stop. It’s interesting how every time you cycle into another grief stage it knocks you over so hard. I don’t get it Charlie. I’m very confused. I literally feel like I can’t find you like my brain has decided that’s easier than admitting you are gone. I went from finding comfort in looking at your photos and videos. Your smile made me smile. Now I can’t breathe. I have so much heaviness in my chest. It’s so physically real I wonder how my heart hasn’t stopped. Last week was a lot of things. One day I took Riley to the park. As we approached the park I saw a toddler in the toddler swing. I felt a pang and I looked away and tried not to think about it. Eventually the parents brought him over to where Riley was sitting. Oh Charlie this little boy looked so much like you. Just so much like you. He was about your size, he had light brown hair with little curls. He turned and looked at me his big brown eyes and long eyelashes caught the sunlight and he smiled. For a moment I felt my body out of reflex want to reach for him but my brain knew it wasn’t you. That’ was not my baby to hold. I was overwhelmed. I couldn’t hold in the tears. I tried so hard and probably sounded like I had some hiccups or was hyperventilating. I called Riley and told her we had to leave. She didn’t hesitate she saw I was upset and we headed home. I tried to keep it together but I kept crying. Later that week Riley and I were heading to the store when I saw a dad carrying his little boy on his shoulder like Daddy carried you.They crossed the street ahead of us. As I pulled up to stop at the intersection to make a left hand turned I looked left for traffic that’s when I saw it. The little boy looked up over his dads shoulder and straight into the car and made eye contact as he waved at me. but not a typical toddler wave. A Charlie stiff armed wave. I waved back. “Hi baby” I heard myself say. I cry-laughed the whole way to the store. He was tiny like you. Brown hair but much curlier, brown skinned, brown eyed. It wasn’t my baby to hold but I knew in that moment my baby was sending me a hello. Which brings me to something else from last week. We hung some illustrations around the house. Remember Daddy’s coworker drew pictures of him and Riley? She drew one of you as well. So we framed the one of Riley and the one of you and hung them over the couch. We had to move the mirror. At first I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. You liked to watch TV through the mirror. But we still have the big mirror in the bedroom you liked to watch yourself in. 

We hung another one too in your room. Tia’s daddy made it for us. It’s actually a drawing of my favourite picture of you. He titled it Charlie Forever in Touch. I cried when I saw it. His drawing was also beautiful. But the title. He saw what I see when I look at that picture. You still reaching for me. I actually even started making albums from your pictures - one of you laughing, one of you with the pets, one of you with the grandparents and great grandparents but it started with ones of you forever reaching. Forever in touch. 

It’s amazing how both artists captured your eyes perfectly. I can stare into them forever. Tomorrow is Riley’s birthday. She wanted you to be the special guest on Sunday at her birthday party. When you were in the hospital, the day they told Daddy and I the outlook wasn’t good Mommy had to come home and limit the information we told Riley. We would be assisted with the Child Life specialists the next day. As we were getting in the house she said “I’m going to make Charlie the special guest at my birthday party”. I didn’t know what to do I cried so hard. She insisted you would be okay but I knew. Not because the doctors suspected it. but I knew I could feel it in my gut and I hated it and I kept trying to bury the feeling and deny it. The next morning I was so numb and so confused. We packed some of your favourite toys I tried to find the noisiest ones to wake you up. I got so mad and fixated on finding your Cory Carson when Riley came up to me and said “Mommy... I think Charlie would rather us just be there than you find his Cory” Then she just took charge packing things. I was so proud of her. I think she knew too. I wanted to just throw up.  She’s hoping your elves Glitter and Gar show up in the morning. I think she’s only expecting Glitter. After you passed a few days later she sadly asked if I thought Gar passed too. Garland came after you were born and was connected to you. I think Gar will be here tomorrow. I think he will be sad. He will miss you horribly. I’m not sure what they will say. Because none of this makes any sense not even the elves can explain the pain away. She loves them dearly though. Almost as much as she loved you. You were her whole world. She’s not herself lately and I’m very worried for her. It could be just because I’m hyper alert now. But she does feel lonely. Maybe the elves can help her feel a little bit better and less alone. Maybe they can remind her we are here and you are forever in touch.

[trishnavision]

This Mother's day be mindful of, say prayers for and reach out to those who have outlived their child. #mourning #lossofachild #overdose #suicide #deathofachild #mothersdaygrief #childloss #grief #grievingmoms #grievingmothers #whenachilddies https://www.instagram.com/trishnavision/p/BxS0JbvBpB_/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=opjer8zzrmxm

[kaia-nohea]

Fighting

Kaia was cremated. We wanted her at home, we wanted her close, where we could keep an eye on her. It wasn’t how I pictured taking my baby home, but she’s home nonetheless. I thought things would get better. I thought with her at home that I would find some semblance of peace and comfort, but I feel anything but peaceful or comforted. In fact, my depression seems to have gotten worse. Having her home, her urn, makes my reality all the more real. All the more true. 

Before her memorial, there were some good days in the midst of the bad ones, but this time, I seem to have more bad than good. Tears come when I least expect them and the anger never goes away. It just simmers, waiting for the most inopportune moment to boil over and explode, my poor loved ones need to duck and cover.

 I’m told that I’m strong, that my resilience is something to be admired, but I don’t feel strong. I’m just really good at acting like I am when in reality, I’m screaming inside - a blood-curdling scream that illustrates perfectly the horrific reality I live with every day. I’m quite surprised I haven’t yet crumbled to the floor. The Lord knows I’m close to doing so. 

But I haven’t. I still keep going. As I said in the previous entry, the world keeps going, the sun will rise again and again, and I wake up every morning not because I want to, but because I have to. I have to find a way to move on, to find my new normal, whatever normal means these days. I have to. I have no choice in the matter. My daughter may be gone but I am still a mother and Kaia deserves more than a mother who would gladly sleep through the rest of her days. My Kaia is worth all the strength I can muster. Kaia is more than worthy of a mother who fights to be worthy of her. She’s my why. 

[rosemaryreilly]

A new knowledge dissemination project about infertility, perinatal, and postnatal loss: The (Un)Expected Project. Initiated by a group of women and men who have experienced great loss, and want to create something bigger to help others, this mural shows their ideas to make the invisible visible through arts-based methods. If you want to know more about this project, or be a part of it, send me a message. @ndgtherapy @fertilityunscripted @shandalfen @alex.nhi.trip @rosemary_reilly #UnExpectedProject #grievingparent #grievingmom #grievingdad #whathelpsandwhathurts #pregnancyafterloss #ihadamiscarriage #1in4 #pregnancylossawareness #grief #griefandloss #lifeafterloss (at Montréal-Ouest, Quebec) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4QQOf7oUdWYOBGYVS_esMEs8lJ-_2BDT90IEE0/?igshid=10w12872nuwfu

[charleneg]

#grief #grievingmom

[melaniemurphymyer]

✒Got myself a new writing notebook from Walmart. I’m not ready for it yet, as the one on the ground still has lots of pages left, but I wanted to be prepared. I love these cover designs from @pinklightstudio, and the new one is perfect because #lovewithallyourheart is my most important goal in life. These notebooks are for my ordinary journaling - everyday life, thoughts, feelings, dreams, wishes, ideas, events, experiences, relationships, problems, solutions, etc. I have other journals that are exclusively for writing about losing Caety. 💔 . . . 🏆The winner of my 100th post appreciation giveaway is @lisa_allen_artist. Lisa wins her choice of a journal, notebook, or sketchbook in memory of my daughter Caetlynn Myer. (Lisa, please message me to receive your prize!) 📚 . . . 🌷The tulip in the photo is one of several I planted in our front garden two years ago in memory of Caety. Tulips remind me of her because even though they only bloom for a little while, the unique beauty they bring to the world makes them well worth planting. The variety I chose is called Easter Joy, which for me symbolizes hope. 🌱 #gardeningthroughgrief . #Caety #journaling #journal #journals #notebooks #writing #writingcommunity #writerscommunity #writersofinstagram #writinglife #writerslife #amwriting #bookish #dream #love #hope #gardening #bluebells #tulips #inmemory #grief #grieving #grievingmother #grievingmom #childloss #lossofachild #motherhood #sometimesjoy

[hardhatandlipstick]

One of my newest favorites ... Tell your heart to bear again has so much meaning to me. And at this time of the year, it’s so easy to get caught up or lost in the true meaning of Christmas. This was mikes favorite time of the year ... and sometimes I just need to remind myself that while it’s okay to feel sad, we also have to remember God’s bigger purpose. His ways are not our ways. His thoughts are not our thoughts. God has a plan and this song is a beautiful reminder of that. ❤️ #grievingmoms #tellyourhearttobeatagain #dannygokey #christianmusic #farmhouse #northwoods #northwoodsfarmhouse

[tinyurbanwilderness]

This is a lie. I always miss you, not just when autumn leaves start to fall. #grief #lossofachild #lossofalovedone #grievingmom #autumnleaves

[momoffantastic4-blog]

As a grieving mom I catch myself break down suddenly and out of no where. I feel it coming on, sometimes days ahead...🤔 I think I have it under control, then boom! I don't! #grievingmom #keepgoing #hope #prayers #strength #selflove

[sineadshinelight]

I feel like I have been waiting hours for 9pm to arrive! Sleep doesn’t have a magic wand but hopefully brings a break from reality A dream that feels real where normality is returned Maybe from a parallel universe where my daughter never died #hope #Repost @pizsistore with @use.repost ・・・ Let’s define acceptable hour! 👇🏻 #sleep #griefshare #insomniamemes #insomniacquotes #sleepbetter #sleepwell #nightnight #griefshared #griefjourney #griefsupport #griefawareness #griefsucks #grievingmother #grievingmom #bereavedmothersday #bereavedmother #bereavedparent https://www.instagram.com/p/CqBnIems7go/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[mamafarr]

On Grief

Grief is an ocean. Sometimes you find yourself on the beach watching it and wondering how it got so far away. Other days you feel as though you’re on a ship in the midst of a hurricane holding on for dear life and praying the storm will pass.

I had a miscarriage in January. Then again in February. Not my first. Having them back to back was a turmoil beyond description. The first was earth shattering. The second completely debilitating.

My first miscarriage occurred a few months after I was married. We definitely were not planning on getting pregnant so soon. Someone even said, “Well maybe it won’t work out.”

I went in for an ultrasound to determine how far along I was as I wasn’t tracking my cycle at that point. I had finally warmed up to the idea and more than that, I was so excited. I had told everyone and gotten many congratulations. Then came time for the ultrasound. The tech told us at the beginning of the appointment that we would get the results from the ultrasound from my physician. There was no movement on the screen. Then the tech tried an internal ultrasound. Still no movement. My heart was in my throat. I started getting dressed and my husband said, “I have a bad feeling.” I came apart. The tech came again to reiterate that we would get the results from my physician.

We went home. I had to get to bed early because I had to be at work at 4am the next day. My husband received the call and woke me to tell me there was indeed no heartbeat. The baby was measuring at 9 weeks of gestation and there was no way to determine how long ago life had ceased.

I was extremely shaken. Devastated. Shattered. I had to un-tell everyone I had told previously. I cried more tears than I could count. I slowly moved on. I learned that 1 in 4 women have a miscarriage at some point, many of them during their first pregnancy. How was it possible that miscarriage was something that happened so frequently but it was never talked about?

When I had my miscarriage in January, I saw it as a part of reproduction, it was my body getting ready to carry another baby. It was absolutely horrible, but I still had hope because maybe it meant my body would be ready next time. Then I miscarried again in February. My grief was compounded exponentially. What if my body was simply done having children?

I’ve spent the months since then trying to decide if I want to actively “try” to have a baby. Get tested. See if there is a problem and if it’s a simple problem or a more involved and expensive problem.

I thought I was doing a good job with my grief. I was standing on the beach and looking out at how far away I thought it was.

Then I heard a woman talking about her pregnancy and I was in the middle of a hurricane. Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled for all the mamas out there growing their tiny humans. Somehow in this moment however, the grief was born anew. It’s been about a week and I’ve cried lots of tears and done lots of thinking and I still don’t know what lies in my future. I just know that today, I miss those babies that I’ll never get to hold. I ache for them and I likely always will.

#grief #miscarriage #miscarriagesupport #miscarriageawareness #grievingmom #iam1in4 #ihadamiscarriage #dailydoseofhonesty #vulnerable #personal

[trishnavision]

keep thinking about as we approach mother's day is the friends I have who have buried their children in the past few years. Countless clients at this point. Perhaps an occupational hazard and benefit is thinking first of those grieving during a holiday #mothersdaygrief #mothersday #bemindful #grievingmothers #infantloss #miscarriage #grievingmom #deathofachild https://www.instagram.com/p/B_-im78nbhN/?igshid=kkrj3xmtpmyj

[iluvshensheluvzme]

#RosieBringsTheSunshine #tributetorosie #notestorosie #picturestorosie #rememberingrosie #grievingmama #grievingmom #griefsucks #bereavedmommy

[nerdydorkcosplay]

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. This design has been in the works for a while with someone who ordered a personalized version of this. The foot prints can be interchanged and I can personalize it with a name or "Baby Surname 2017" (or any other date) The decal comes standard at about 5in big and the ornament is available in 3in and 4in sizes. This wont replace what has been loss but it is at the very least a small tribute to your angel baby. #ornament #ornaments #christmas #christmasornament #pregnancy #pregnancyloss #pregnancylossawareness #miscarriage #miscarriageawareness #infantloss #grief #grieving #grievingmother #grievingmom #mourning #decal #vinyl #vinyldecal #cardecal #cardecals