#grieve the old world while building the new

[betterworldinitiative]

Radical action requires radical creativity, and vice-versa. What does that new world look like? Are we ready? Many of us are feeling like we’re going crazy at this moment in time. This means we’re leveling up.

[princesssarisa]

As I've read different people's views on Little Women, I've realized that for different readers, it's a fundamentally different book.

When I see someone describe the "universal" experiences of identifying with Jo, wanting her to marry Laurie, and disliking Amy, I remember all the proof I've seen that these are far from universal. The latter two weren't even my experiences: identifying with Jo, yes, but shipping her with Laurie and disliking Amy, no!

Even people with equal amounts of knowledge of the historical context and of Louisa May Alcott's life seem to come away with vastly different feelings about the story and characters.

I suppose there are a wide variety of reasons for this. First and foremost, which of the four March sisters you personally admire or relate to the most. Then there are other factors like your gender, your age when you first read the book, your relationship (good or bad) with traditional femininity, whether you read Parts I and II as a single novel or as Little Women and Good Wives, your relationships with your own family members, your religion and ethical values...

The list goes on.

That post from @theevilanonblog that I reblogged recently about the different interpretations of Frankenstein makes me want to write out a similar list of ten different views I've read of Little Women. Here it is:

Little Women is about the March sisters learning to be proper virtuous women of their time and place. With Marmee as their role model (a role later shared by Beth as she becomes increasingly angelic in her illness), they learn to conquer their flaws, give up their wild ambitions, and settle down as good wives and mothers. This is especially true for Jo, whose character arc is a slow taming from a rough tomboy to a gentle nurturer. It's a conformist and anti-feminist message, which Alcott probably disliked, but she wrote it to cater to public tastes. (This reading seems mainly to come from critics who dislike the book.)

Little Women is about Jo's struggle to stay true to herself in a world that wants to change her. She struggles with whether to stay a tomboy or become a proper lady, whether or not to marry Laurie despite not loving him romantically, and as an author, whether to write what she wants, write what earns the most money, or give up her writing altogether. In the end, she changes only in ways that make her happy, e.g. by learning to control her temper, and later by embracing romantic love. But in more important ways, she stays true to herself: always remaining slightly rugged, clumsy and "masculine," finding success as a writer, and marrying Friedrich, a man just as plain and "unromantic" as herself, but whom she loves and who respects her as an equal.

Little Women is about learning to "live for others." That phrase is used often and could well be the arc words. Beth is the only March sister to whom a selfless life comes naturally, but the other three master it by the end of the story (as does Laurie). They learn to conquer their moments of pettiness and selfishness, to live in better harmony with each other and with their friends and love interests, and to give up their self-centered dreams of fame and wealth, building lives that focus on service instead.

Little Women is about growing up. The first half is mainly about the March girls' maturing by surviving hard times and learning to be better people, while the second half is about reaching adulthood and bittersweetly parting ways to start new lives. At the beginning, Jo is a girl who doesn't want to grow up: she wants to always be a wild young tomboy with her family (and Laurie) by her side forever. But of course, she can't stop time or womanhood, and is eventually forced to accept the loss of Meg, Amy, and Laurie to marriage and Beth to death. After grieving for a while, she lets go of her old life and willingly builds a new one with Friedrich.

Little Women is about family bonds and the fear of losing them. We meet and become attached to the wonderfully close, cozy March family, which gradually expands through friendships, marriage, and new babies. But throughout the story, the family is in danger of breaking apart, whether due to conflict (Jo and Amy's sibling rivalry, Meg and John's marital problems), or separation by distance (Father going away to war, Amy going to Europe, Jo to New York), or death (the danger of losing Father and Beth in Part I, and the ultimate loss of Beth in Part II). But in the end – unlike in reading #4 above – the family doesn't break apart and never will. Conflicts are resolved, travelers eventually come home, the surviving family members always live near each other and stay as close as ever, and even Beth isn't really gone, because her memory and influence live on.

Little Women is about femininity and each March sister's relationship with it. Meg and Amy happily conform in different ways: Meg to "domestic femininity" as a housewife, Amy to "ornamental femininity" as a society lady. Beth pressures herself to conform to self-effacing domestic femininity, until sadly, it kills her – either because she's too selfless and nurturing when she cares for the fever-infected Hummels, or because she has anorexia, as Lizzie Alcott might have had. But Jo strikes a successful balance in the end, conforming just enough to fit into society, but only on her own terms, and otherwise living a happily unconventional life as a writer and schoolmistress.

Little Women is about Jo's unlearning of internalized misogyny. At the beginning, she's a "Not Like Other Girls" tomboy, who wishes she were male, disdains feminine girls (especially her sister Amy), doesn't care enough when "her boy" Laurie behaves badly toward women, and is afraid to be vulnerable. But gradually, and without losing her strength of character, she learns to embrace the sweeter and more tender aspects of herself, sees that Amy's ladylike manners have practical benefits, and learns to say "no" to Laurie when he turns his childish, unhealthy romantic attentions to her. Then after Beth dies, she realizes how precious Beth's utterly domestic, feminine life was, and embraces a more domestic life herself. Yet by doing so, she becomes a true feminist, as she enters an egalitarian marriage and devotes her life to teaching boys to be good, respectful men.

Little Women is only what US Americans know as the first half. It's just about the March sisters getting by and learning moral lessons over the course of the year their father is away at war. Nobody gets married and nobody dies. Everything else is in Good Wives, which is a sequel with different character arcs and different themes, and which should be published separately, as it originally was and still is outside the US. Trying to tie them together into one narrative never feels quite right.

Little Women is Alcott's idealized version of her own life and family, where no one suffers quite as much as they did in real life, everyone is slightly less flawed, and Jo ends up happily married to a man very much like Alcott's lost love Henry David Thoreau. She wrote the life she wished she had.

Little Women is just a semi-autobiographical slice-of-life that Alcott wrote quickly for money.

Which is the truest to Alcott's intent? I don't know. But while some of these readings I like better than others – and some of them I despise – I'd say they're all understandable and reasonably valid. Some aren't even mutually exclusive, but can be used together... although of course, other readings are mutually exclusive, like whether the story is feminist or anti-feminist, or whether the March family ultimately breaks apart or holds together. And they're all worth using as springboards for discussion.

Alcott wrote more books than she ever realized she did, because Little Women can be many different books to different people.

@littlewomenpodcast, @joandfriedrich, @thatscarletflycatcher, @fictionadventurer, @fandomsarefamily1966

[envysparkler]

so this.  this would be one of the nightwing longfics.  the long, character-driven fic that I wish I had time to write but alas.

the crux of this fic is when Tim goes to ask Dick to return to save Batman from his grief, Dick agrees.

Nightwing coming back to Gotham.  fighting, every day, to keep Bruce from self-destructing in a manor so full of grief that sometimes he sits in empty rooms and cries.  Dick that can’t visit Jason’s grave, it’s too painful, but sometimes he sleeps on the couch in the library and pretends like his little brother is sitting on the other couch and reading.  and Nightwing also needs to deal with this precocious twelve-year-old who might not be Robin but thinks that it is perfectly reasonable to stalk them around Gotham.

it’s hard.  it’s so, so hard.  Dick losing pieces of himself, bit by bit.  he sees hallucinations of Jason and eventually, the hallucinations are the only things he talks to truthfully.  he has to keep Bruce sane while Bruce keeps lashing out at him.  Alfred’s not getting younger.  Barbara’s furious and upset and grieving what happened to her.  Tim has no parental supervision, what the fuck is going on with this kid, Dick needs to watch out for him too.

it’s slow, but the pressure just keeps piling on.

meanwhile, the people he’s helping start to get better.  Bruce notices their baby stalker, figures out Tim’s situation, and puts in immediate paperwork to get temporary guardianship.  (Dick still hasn’t been adopted.  it’s fine.  he doesn’t care.  he doesn’t.)  Barbara recovers and becomes Oracle, a saving grace to the wider caped community.  (she’s so busy.  Dick just wants a friend to talk to.  please.)  Tim is introduced to the Titans and makes fast friends with them.  (the Titans were Dick’s first but they’re gone, all gone, why does everyone keep leaving him.)

and then there’s a mention of a new crime lord on the scene, Red Hood, who’s looking to shake things up.

things build and build and build, Hood taunting them and Bruce’s suspicions and Tim’s stalking, until it reaches a breaking point.

a warehouse.  Batman and Red Hood and Tim and Dick.  everyone is shouting at each other, yelling at each other, accusations flying, emotional barbs thrown.  Dick trying to keep the peace and failing.

maybe someone snaps something that wounds.  maybe Dick just collapses under his own exhaustion.  either way, he gives up.  he walks away.  he can’t do this anymore.

no one notices him leave.

Dick leaves his suit in the Cave and writes a short note explaining that he’s quitting.

he’s done.

this world--Gotham and Batman and all the heroes and villains--has taken too much from him. he’s barely twenty-one and yet he’s lived lifetimes.  he’s shouldered the weight of the entire world on his shoulders for so long he cannot remember what it feels like to fly without a net.

he returns to the first place he called home.  there’s a Flying Grayson at Haley’s Circus again.

[schrodinger-swriter]

Hi! I was wondering if you could do a Lucifer x Fallen Angel!Reader? Your writing is amazing <3

Lucifer x Fallen Angel!Reader

Greetings, and thank you so much! I hope this is alright, Anon, my body's feeling a little... not good today, so my brain is a little all over the place. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy!

He never thought that another fallen angel would find their way in Hell. Well, no that's not entirely true. He knows first hand how strict Heaven can be... In a world full of sinners and Hell born, he feels isolated.

But with you...

It won't magically fix all of his problems, he's still working through a lot. Though, with you around things feel a little more... secure. You understand what it's like to have your own people.. the ones you thought were your friends. Family, even... to turn their backs on you, and for what? Because you didn't meet their standards? Their status quo? A lot of words that Lucifer left unsaid start spilling out to you, prompting you to follow. Something like this would take a while to happen, though...

As for fluff and general relationship building, it would take him a while to let you in. I believe he may still be in love with Lilith, or at least greatly grieving the separation and all of the fallout. It's going to be a slow burn, emphasis on the slow.

But it's nice to see some of his old self, the one that wanted more than anything to do right by everyone, shine back in through his eyes when he spends his days with you. He's noticeably more... open to new things. Holding your hand turns into offering his arm out for you to hold. At home dinners turn into him taking you out. Things like that.

Please reassure him that everything is going to be alright when he finally introduces you to Charlie! That's something that he might be a little weary of, since it's very likely that he hasn't dated since the separation. He just wants his little girl to love you like he does you. It won't fix the family, of course, but things seem a little brighter now.

[ofstoriesandstardust]

if there is a right time (chances are i'll be here) (twisters - javi)

​​a/n: my little i can fix him character study that could! thank you my dearest @sometimesanalice for reading this and always having the best thoughts.

summary: Five years after a summer romance in Miami, you and Javi meet again. The boy still means such a great deal to you, even after all this time. If only he wasn't in love with another.

warnings: mutual pining, angst with a happy ending, swearing

word count: 6.6k

You met Javi nine months after the Tornado Tragedy that stole everything from him.

In Miami for an internship and fresh off a bit of a brutal breakup, Javi had all but stumbled into your life as his cousin “accidentally” pushed him into you at a breakfast place near his house.

The hurt that was woven into both of you was evident, even in the way you both laughed together on long, drunken nights and three am gas station runs. 

Maybe it’s the hurt that had drawn you together all along. 

It’s three months later, at the end of your time together, on the first year anniversary that you hold him through the night, a raw and wavering voice piecing together the fragments of that nightmare. 

It was like whispers of a confessional, soft against the storm that raged in his mind. Your fingers had run through his hair, reminding him that you were there, that he was alright. 

Two weeks later, you’d let him go. You let him go even though you knew you could’ve loved that boy someday, loved all the broken parts and pieces of him. 

Loved him despite the fact that he loved another. Would probably always love another, a striking, enigmatic force from his past who’d left his world as abruptly as his friends had left this world. 

It’s a shame, you think, to have lost a love you never really had. You never could really grieve that open wound.

Especially not when you left that door open for him, always looking for him in every grocery store aisle, in every smoky corner of a bar through the Midwest, every time you followed a storm with the windows down, hand feeling the humid air and warm rain as the sky tore itself in two. 

Still, you feel frozen as you see him across the parking lot of the motel, the skies opening as he ducks out of an all too familiar red truck. 

(Everyone in these parts knew that red truck and everyone in the storm chasing community knew in some way, a member or two of the Tornado Wranglers. An old bull riding friend, a classmate, a one night stand, a bonfire friend. You all knew them one way or another.)

Well, at least, you think it’s him. You see the curls before you ever see his face, and while it’s shorter now, you think you’d remember the build of a man you’d spent so many moments wrapped around, even if for a fleeting time. 

“Javi?” You have to shout over the pouring rain, stepping forward in disbelief, as you cup your hands around your mouth. You didn’t chase seriously, not really anyways, and had only convinced a few friends from college to come out under the guise of showing them a good time. By all accounts, seeing him here, now, would be near impossible. 

For a second, you almost don’t let yourself get your hopes up. You’ve looked for this boy in every corner of the world you’ve ever gone — how would he be here, in the soaked parking lot of some run down motel near the border of Kansas and Oklahoma?

You were only on a two day chase, following Ty’s team out but you hadn’t realized he’d be with them. You had heard rumors Ty had taken on a new business endeavor, something about taming tornados, but it had all felt so silly you’d blown it off. 

It had all felt so reminiscent of a friend you’d once known, of a project he’d believed so much in, it hadn’t felt real. 

-

His head perks up at the sound of his name, his head swinging wildly around the parking lot, before he spots you. His eyes grow wide in disbelief as giddy joy propels your feet forward, darting across the parking lot before you can even think about if he wants to see you. 

He lets out a laugh in disbelief as his body collides with yours, a warm rock against you as he tightly wraps his arms around your frame. 

“How are you here?” He sounds incredulous, almost as giddy as you, and you fist your hands in the slick material of his rain jacket. 

Your hair is longer than it had been the summer you’d spent in Miami, when you chopped it off all of five days after arriving, complaining incessantly about the humidity. 

You have a few new piercings and he thinks he might spy a tattoo peeking out from your shirt under your collarbone. 

“I- I work part time out at Muskogee as an adjunct. I bought a house out in Claremore two years ago.” 

A house. You’d bought a house. You’d bought a house — all alone? 

His eyes widen impossibly as his hands come to cover your own. “So- so like you- you being here in Oklahoma isn’t a fluke?” 

It’s the twinkle in your eye that almost makes him believe this is a dream he’ll wake up from. 

That look that says there has to be more than coincidence we both ended up here right now. 

That feeling deep in his chest that’s telling him strings of fate tugged you and Javi together to be right here, at this moment in time in your lives. 

He isn’t quite sure what to say to you.

He’d hopelessly thought of you for years to come after you’d left his life, the if onlys hanging around in the back of his mind, the fantasies of what he’d do if he ever saw you again comforting him on the darker days. 

But for all that he dreamed, he had never thought it would be a reality. 

-

“Are you-“

“So…” One of your friends say, and your head pops up, body turning to face her. You miss the way Javi’s face falls, the start of a question you barely heard lost to the wind. “If this little show is over, I’d like the room key, please.” 

“Piper has it.” You breathe as Javi’s hand travels down your back. 

“She-“ Bailey cuts herself off, face pinching in frustration. “She got stuck inside.” 

You splutter, brain short circuiting around a confused huff and a “I told her she needs to yank it”. Instead you turn, catching sight of more than one Wrangler peeking out their windows to watch you and Javi.  “Where’s Tyler?”

-

One unstuck door, a few hugs, and an hour and a half later, you find yourself crammed into a booth much too small to fit your friends and the Wranglers at a dingy roadside diner. 

You’re wedged between Dani and Javi and you giggle as Kate, through giggles of her own, regals the group with yet another tale from her and Javi’s undergrad.

“…So anyways, Javi is wasted right. And so is Addy, and she trips and Jeb and I, we both go to dive for her, to keep her from falling and slipping on the ice and when we finally get her righted, not without the two of us almost going down with her, cause I’m also drunk at this point, we turn around to find Praveen begging Javi to get out of the fountain they hadn’t had a chance to drain yet.” 

Javi’s face is crimson as the table roars in laughter, and you think you may not ever breathe again as silent giggles consume your whole being at the thought of a wasted nineteen-year-old Javi in a icy cold fountain during a surprise first snow, hollering about taming a tornado. 

It would be a good way to go out, you think, as Javi gives you a sheepish grin, air finally crackling through your lungs as a few tears slip down your cheeks. 

Tyler chokes on the other side of Kate and you slide down in the booth, shoulders shaking. Maria kicks your ankle under the table across from you, where she’s sitting in between Boone and Piper. 

“What the fuck are you laughing at? One time in college you stood at the stove for twenty minutes and couldn’t figure out why your food wasn’t cooking, all cause you had the wrong burner on! And you were sober!”

The table erupts again, much to the unnoticed irritation of the lone waitress, as Maria retells the story of the year you two had lived together, when you’d stood at the stove, unsure why your frozen package of fried rice wasn’t cooking, hoping to solve the problem with more olive oil. And boy, was there a lot of olive oil. 

“You don’t have room to talk Maria - you gave me a very expired jordan almond that nearly cracked a tooth!” You finally shoot back, earning you another round of laughter. 

After the table has finally quieted, a few stray giggles from Boone as he leans into Lilly, Kate pulls herself together enough to ask “Do you have a trademark chasing song?” 

Piper snorts into her milkshake. “Today we learned it’s A Pocketful of Sunshine… on repeat.” 

“Whoever used to get stuck in the van with Javi was made to listen to Salió El Sol by Don Omar probably about a dozen times.” Kate offers up in response. 

“You two are a match made in fucking heaven.” Dani comments under her breath and she groans, wincing as you deliver an elbow to her ribs. 

“It’s kind of ironic that both songs are about sunshine and you play it while chasing a storm when it’s very much not sunny.” 

Bailey frowns at Piper. “It’s almost like… that’s the whole point.”

-

“I still can’t quite believe you’re here.” Javi comments quietly as the two of you walk farther away from the source of laughter and noise, the twinkle of stars poking out from the sky streaked with clouds. It had been a good day, a good chase, and Tyler had ensured he led your friends to a great show. They were content to sit around a crackling fire, drawn in by the Wrangler charm (and you would never say, but you could see the looks Piper had been tossing Boone all night).

Javi puts his hands in the pockets of his jacket, licking his lips. “You know, I- I always thought about you. Where you were, how you were doing. What I’d do if I ever saw you again. A whole 50 states, countless cities, and who knew you’d be here in Oklahoma.” 

“Well, the Oklahoma part’s easy. I wanted a teaching job after finishing my masters and Muskogee wanted me enough that uh, moving to Oklahoma was outweighed by all the pros of the job. And then yeah, I found my place, cute little yellow house with a porch just big enough for two chairs to curl up and watch the thunderstorms like I’d always wanted. It all sort of fell together for me.”

“And the storm chasing?” 

“Like your Mom used to say that summer in Miami, the worse the weather the happier the girl.” 

A haze glazed over his eyes. “Yeah, she did used to say that, didn’t she?” 

You snort. “She used to say it every chance she got. Especially after that one time I stood out in the storm and then your cousin Mickey yelled from the back porch that I was gonna get struck by lightening and then you pulled me inside because of-“ You cut yourself off, suddenly feeling off-kilter. 

You weren’t sure if that was off-limits. 

“How is Mickey?” 

Javi snorts. “Ah, he’s good. He’s stationed out in San Diego right now.”

You kick a rock. “Doesn’t that sound dreamy.” 

Javi lets out a real laugh this time. “Yeah, he isn’t going anywhere. After years of barracks and aircraft carriers, he’s basically living the high life in his four bedroom off-base beach house he shares with some of the guys.”

The two of you keep walking towards the outer edges of the motel, finally pulling you to a pause as you turn to Javi. “Kate seems really nice, Javi. I could see how you’re in love with her. Hell, I kinda think I’m in love with her.” 

His Adam’s apple bobs as he works his throat. He glances away from you, scuffing his feet against the muddy ground of the parking lot. 

“I don’t know that I am.”

You sigh, unclenching your hands from where they sit in your own jacket pockets, resisting the urge to reach out and touch him. “Javi, you don’t have to lie to me. It’s okay.” You soothe. “We were never together, not really, and besides, it’s been years since then. It’s not even an attempt of an attack, just an observation.” He eyes you, silent, and you sigh. “Javi, really, I didn’t mean anything by it.” 

“That’s not what I meant.” 

You falter but the boy doesn’t offer up anything else and you sigh again. “C’mon, tell me more about this new business venture of yours, I’m kind of interested in hearing how I can get involved with taming a tornado.” 

-

Javi falls back into your life as easily as he had fallen into it last time. 

His apartment in Tulsa is only a thirty minute drive from your house, a drive Javi says he’d make a million times over. 

Some nights, he’ll find his way to Claremore and the two of you will share dinner in your cozy kitchen. He’ll never tell you, but that first night he’d gone over to your house, he’d sat in his car for eight minutes, eyeing the warm lights inside the house, preparing to meet some- some husband or serious long-term partner because, well, a house is a big purchase. A house says I mean to be here for a while. Much to his pleasant surprise though, as you beam at him as you take the flowers and wine from him, there’s no partner in sight. 

He lets out a sigh of relief as he bumps hips with you in the kitchen, stirring a sauce, that he has you to himself. Not only had you created this simple little life for yourself that you had loved so much all on your own, he has you all to himself. 

He has a chance this time. 

Other times, you’ll meet him in Tulsa for a drink, laughing into each other as you recount the summer you’d spent in Miami and he catches you up on the days you missed. It’s an ache, to hear about the growing pains of the last few years for Javi, but that ache soothes itself every time you see him laugh, or pull Boone into a playful headlock, or him and Tyler bicker  business over Cathy’s barbecue. 

Sometimes the two of you will go for drives, you making him listen to every album of all your favorite artists that he might’ve missed, and on quieter nights, watch the summer storms from your porch. Sometimes, he wraps his ankle around yours, just to feel you. 

Even when he’s chasing, he calls you, even just to say goodnight, even if you always pretend not to hear the muffled teasing of his friends from somewhere off camera. The sleepy FaceTime calls, however short, make something in him swell every time he gets another chance to do it. 

He took things for granted once. He won’t take them for granted ever again. 

As the year grows, so do the two of you. 

The question he asks you as you walk back to your car after a movie shouldn’t take you by surprise. Still, it does and you stop as you turn to face him. 

“Do you want to go on a date?”

It’s a chillier night than usual for the summer that’s quickly fading into fall and you’re wrapped up in your jacket as you study his hopeful eyes, a nervous smile on his face. 

“None of that fooling around shit we did as kids. A real one this time.” 

“Javi.” You breathe out, so soft and sweet. 

You’d forsaken a chance to love Javi so long ago. A weaker woman would forget the way he’d confessed the quiet love he’d held for Kate, even if it felt like he’d love from afar. A weaker woman would forget the way he’d confessed that he thought he’d probably always be in love with Kate, his feelings for the girl frozen in time to the day that took so much from them both. 

But those feelings didn’t stay stuck in the past, had all caught up to him when he’d asked Kate to come back to Oklahoma last year.

And the Javi in front of you wasn’t that same scared kid who’d taken off for the Army the first time his older brother pressed about the lingering phantom pain. This was- well, not a fully healed Javi — could anyone really ever fully heal from what he and Kate had gone through — but a Javi who was on his way to healing. 

But still- 

Javi looked at Kate with a soft fondness, their bond unexplainable. The way they fed off each other’s energy, the little handshake they had going on good chase days, it all struck home to you. 

You knew what Javi had with Kate. Even if Kate never felt the same way towards him, you knew the feelings of the boy in front of you.

“No, Javi.” You say softly and he takes a half step back, jaw going slack. 

Too long, you’d been people’s last resort choice, the girl people picked when they had no one else. You wanted to keep Javi in your life but not at the cost of knowing that every night you laid next to him in bed he was thinking of someone else. 

You didn’t blame him. Kate was every bit of the enigmatic, bright, witty force that he’d described her to be. She was a freaky genius, a level of intelligence you were in awe of. Everyone around her was drawn into Kate’s presence and orbit, the time spent with her never feeling like a loss. 

You know that Kate was the type of girl that you fell for and loved forever. 

“Javi, I’m sorry.” You whisper. “But I can’t. I can’t be that for you. I think-“

He holds up a hand, taking another step back. “No. You don’t need to explain it to me.” 

“But I-“

“No, I get it. We’re better off as friends, just cause you were interested then, doesn’t mean you are now. You’ve got someone else.” The last sentence is delivered with what seems like to be great effort and your eyebrows furrow. “There’s countless excuses you could give me. We don’t need to go through them.” 

“No, Javi, you aren’t listening to me-“

“No, I heard you loud and clear. Get yourself home safely, okay?” 

And then he turns on his heel, walking towards his truck as you stand there dumbfounded. 

-

The cold of the Oklahoma winter is bitter, biting at your nose and cheeks as you duck in the barn, finally letting yourself breathe. 

For a holiday meant to be filled with cheer, this had felt like anything but. 

The last few months between you and Javi had been increasingly strained, the ever-persisting struggle of both of you being able to understand the other. Being at Kate’s for Christmas had felt suffocating, as Javi had hesitated around you the whole day, almost seemingly unsure of how to handle himself around you on such a big holiday. Javi had never hesitated when it came to you, and watching him so at ease with the rest of his friends had put a sour taste in your mouth even the sweetest of the hot toddies couldn’t rid. 

“How you and Javi haven’t fucked yet is beyond me.” 

Tyler’s words are crass, said with nothing less than the cowboy charm he turns on for the cameras. 

“Fuck off.” You say, back turned to the man as you thumb through the notebook on Javi’s desk in Kate’s barn. Tyler’s feet crunch against the cold ground as he walks closer. 

“Party’s inside, you know.” 

You don’t say anything and Tyler finally sits down next to you, the bench creaking as he does. 

“What are you even doing out here kid?” 

You shrug, looking up at the collection of photos. “How do you love someone with the kind of grief they carry?” You say quietly. “I mean, does it ever make you feel weird- Jeb? Like she’s not yours to love? That she belongs to another?”

He sighs. “I’ve never thought about it like that, I guess.”

“Then how do you think about it?” The question is blunt as you finally look away, meeting Tyler’s eyes. “Cause I gotta be honest with you, loving someone who loves another is exhausting.” 

Tyler ponders your words for a minute and you let him, knowing this conversation carries too much weight for unformulated answers and quick quips. “Of course, Kate will always love Jeb. Even as she heals and even as she grows around the grief, she’ll love him.” He draws a breath. “But you can’t do that to yourself, the wondering what ifs of if they had still been here. You’ll make yourself damn miserable if you do. Just because she loved Jeb before he died doesn’t she mean she’s not ever allowed to love again.” Tyler worries his bottom lip, looking like he’s unsure if he can, or should, say his next thought as he glances at a picture of the original Tornado Tamers. 

It’s Christmas, just like it is now. Everyone is in some variation of a Santa hat, Addy’s and Kate’s funny face pulled at the camera, the only sight of Jeb being his thumb held out as he took the picture. Javi and Praveen are none the wiser to what’s happening as Javi is urging the kid to drink eggnog for the first time. 

You know this story, it was one of Javi’s favorites. It was their junior year and a blizzard had blown through right before the holidays. All incoming and outgoing flights had been grounded and Cathy had offered her home up to the Tamers to spend the holiday.

“Just because he was in love with Kate once doesn’t mean he can’t love anyone else again.” 

The thing is, Javi had never told you that story. Kate did. She had told you softly last night as the two of you had made cookies, recounting the story with a bittersweet fondness. She had told you that remembering through those stories, that their lives, their love, had been real made the grief easier to swallow. Her friends had been real and they deserved to be remembered for the forces they were. 

They’d have wanted Kate to move forward. They’d have wanted her to find family and laughter after them. 

You sniff, not realizing you’d started crying until the warm tears start to streak down your face. Tyler’s eyes tear down from the picture in concern, a hand pulling from his coat pockets to rest gently on your shoulder. “Hey, hey. It’s okay.” 

You remove your hands from your own pockets, thumbing tears away from your eyes. “I sort of think he’ll always be in love with Kate.” 

Tyler shakes his head. “No, I don’t think so. I remember when Kate first got here, the way he looked at her. He’d do anything for her but- it’s different now.” 

Javi had said that to you once, the night before the two of you had parted. That he’d do anything for Kate. If she called him tomorrow, he’d go AWOL and join her in New York. He didn’t care what it took, just that he wanted to be there for her. 

“Sorry, this is weird to be talking to you about.” You croak. “I shouldn’t be-“ 

“I get it.” He says, cutting you off. “Okay, with them- it’s delicate because they know things about each other you and I will never understand, no matter how hard we try. But it’s not like that with them anymore. I think-“ Tyler cuts himself off. “Well, I guess I don’t really know what I think. I just know that the way he looked at her changed. They’ve fit into each other's lives the way they were supposed to always be. And it hasn’t just been since you’ve been around. Javi- he’s different now.”

“He asked once.” You say softly. “He asked me on a date in September. I said no.” Tyler’s eyes widen but your words and tears spill faster than you can stop either of them. “I said no cause- Javi and I just didn’t have a summer whatever one year in Miami. It was the summer after- after it all happened. I was there, on the one year anniversary. I held him as he told me how he’d lost them, the fear as he was shouting into a radio no one would ever answer again. I know the way he used to talk about Kate, the quiet awe you have of her too. And I get it, okay, because Kate’s Kate, and she’s an incredible- Kate’s one of the best people I’ve ever known. But I know the way he said he’d always love her. I know it because I’ve played that moment on repeat for five years now in the back of my head, willing that moment to be different. Because if it was just Javi grieving, I’d understand that. But I can’t love him while he grieves a love for someone else that will never come to fruition. And I don’t blame him. I couldn’t. Because of what he went through, driving around that wreckage for hours, searching for his friends, because he was the one to have to identify Praveen and what was left of Addy- and oh God- because I see what he sees in Kate. And I know I will never compete with that. He’s all I’ve ever wanted but he’s openly told me she’s who he wants. So- I don’t know where this leaves me.” 

Your shoulders shake with tears as Tyler frowns, unsure of what to say. 

“I just want him to love me back.” You say around salty tears as someone knocks cautiously on the barn door. 

“Everything okay out here?” Kate calls. “You guys have been out here for a while and Boone’s trying to trick Dexter into drinking the spiked nog- are you okay?” 

You’ve turned away from her as you cry over Javi’s notebook. It’s an old one from his Muskogee days (you can tell because his sprawling scribble of handwriting had much improved since these days, now a neat legible penmanship you think Scott just about beat into him) and distantly you wonder if he’ll care that you’re ruining years old notes about radar technology as your tears drop onto the page. 

Tyler moves away from the bench, and you hear him usher Kate out of the barn, even if it doesn’t really register with you that they’re gone. 

There’s another creaking on the bench next to you some time later. “Ty?” You croak.

“Just me, ‘m afraid.” Javi says gently, voice steady and smooth like honey, which only prompts you to cry more as you fight the urge to lean into that sweet comfort. “Okay, well you don’t have to have that reaction.” He huffs, part kidding, part annoyed. 

All you can focus on is the hint of irritation in his voice and you shake your head. “It’s not you.” He grunts and you shake your head more vigorously. “I’m not mad at you, I’m not. I’m just sad.” 

“Sad to see me?” 

“Kind of-“ 

He starts to rise from the bench, much to your panic. “I’ll go get- well, Dani doesn’t really do feelings, so um-“

“Javi-“ 

“or maybe Lilly? Or Dexter-“ 

“Javi, no-“ 

“-if you want that sort of older and wiser opinion-“ 

“Javi, please just listen to me-“ 

“I can even go get Owens again if you want-“ 

“Javi I’m sad because I love you!” You near shout. “I’m sad to see you because I’m in love with you but you’re in love with Kate and that makes me sad because I just want you to love me back!” 

Javi freezes, awkwardly straddling the bench. You sit there in an uncomfortable silence, too many agonizing seconds passing. You feel like you can hear your heart threatening to beat its way from your throat and out into the open and the tears feel suffocating as you stare back into the face of pure disbelief. 

“You- what?” His eyebrows pinch together, falling onto the bench with a rather loud thud. 

“I’m in love with you, okay? I’ve been trying to avoid it for months but I can’t. It all means too much to me, like when you call me to tell goodnight when you’re out chasing or- or how you always pick me up that apple pastry from the bakery in Tulsa. All the sweet stuff you do for me but I- Javi, I love that you’re back in my life, it’s all I’ve ever wanted. But I just feel like I’m the alternate- the- the second choice because Kate’s with Tyler. And I can’t give myself away for someone who will only ever give me pieces of themselves in return.” 

Minutes pass as Javi scrubs a hand down his face. “But I- I asked you. I asked you out on a date. You said no.” 

You give a pitiful shrug, having given up on wiping away the tears that are freezing to your skin. “I don’t want to be who you settle for because you can’t have her.” 

He lets out a low breath, head ducked. The gnawing pit in your stomach grows as Javi keeps his face turned away from you, not letting you see his expression. “All this time, I thought there was someone else.” 

You recoil back, surprise shocking your system. “What?” You let out, mind reeling. “Javi, I spend all my free time with you. When- when would I have the time? When have I ever said anything about seeing anyone else?” 

“You said no.” It’s a simple fact, one you can’t argue with. “You said no and we never talked about if either of us were seeing other people.” 

You swallow, glancing away. “Well, I’m not. For the record. All I wanted was you.” 

A beat passes, a chill blows through the barn. “You really think I’m in love with Kate?” He asks quietly, voice raw. 

“You told me yourself that you thought you’d always be in love with her.” 

Javi finally looks up at you, something immeasurable and unexplainable swimming in his glassy eyes. “Yeah, I loved Kate once. But we were kids. We were kids who thought we were invincible. And we had everything taken from us because we got stupid and reckless. We lost everything. And after she lost Jeb, I knew that there would be no way she would ever look at me that way, especially not after she met Tyler. I think- I think of Kate and I as like a broken bone. That break hurt like hell, but time mended our wounds, brought us back together. That bone’s stronger now, we’re stronger now because we’re friends.” Javi scoots forward so his knees touch yours as his eyes take on a pleading glimmer. “You and I, we didn’t end up here in Oklahoma by coincidence. Call it- fucking fate, invisible string, I don’t know. But I don’t take any of it for granted. I took things for granted once and I got punished for it. I’m not taking my second chance with you for granted. All that stuff- the- the calling you at night, spending all my time with you, doing that sweet shit for you- you gotta know it’s cause I love you, you and no one else, and I’m not ever going to take it for granted because I know better than anyone how quickly it could disappear.” Javi takes your hand, gently moving it to place over his heart. “C’mon darling, you have to know that you’re the one my heart beats for.” 

Your breath hitches at the gesture, eyes darting around his face, looking for any sign of him being untruthful. 

All you can find is a raw honesty that’s making it hard for you to breathe. 

You lick your lips, sucking in a shaking breath. “Javi, I don’t- I don’t know.” 

He squeezes your hand before letting it fall as he stands up. “Think about it.” 

So you do. 

You do think about it. 

You watch Javi the rest of the night, the way he makes sure to snag an extra of your favorite cookie before Boone can take it so you have something for the drive back to Claremore. You watch as he and Kate fight over the rules of Uno, Lilly unfortunately squashed between them. You can’t help but notice that Javi hugs you just a little bit longer than he does everyone else. 

On the drive home, you think of the way Javi has always been warm to you, has been a safe place to go, a soft place to land. The way his hugs feel like coming home. The way he’ll sleepily ask about your day, mouth full of toothpaste, Boone’s elbow in his face as they cram into the tiniest bathroom. 

That night in bed, you think of the way his Mom sent you a Christmas present, how his younger cousins always asked him when you were coming back to visit. You think of the way he cooks his Mom’s recipes for you on the bad days, the light in his eyes when you bring him your grandmother’s cookies after nasty chases. 

Over the next week, you think about the work lunch dates and your work from home days spent at his and Kate’s office in Tulsa. You think about weekend chases shoved in between him and Boone, knees knocking together. You think about how sometimes, on days he’s feeling good, he’ll let you ride shotgun in one of the work vans, letting you help set up the radars. You think of the way he lets you sit next to him and Kate at the end of the day, breaking down the data for you, quietly explaining anything you don’t understand. 

You think of the way you’ve always wanted to know what his lips taste like after eating his homemade penne alla vodka and you’d give anything to spend another night molded into his frame, scratching your hand through his curls. 

You think of the grin you caught one time as you had insisted on dancing in the rain. You think of the time his team had caught him staring at you as you awed over a summer lightning storm on the road, the teasing endless. You think of the way he’d taken it, never denying it. 

You think of the way Kate kept softly nudging him towards you, the way Kate and Javi had opened up to you and Tyler about their dead. You think of the times the four of you had found yourselves together, a content peace emanating from the group, knowing you’d found your love. 

A million memories later, you know it’s the truth. 

Javi loves you. 

The minutes pass by on your dashboard clock, the start of the New Year looming, and you pressed your foot on the gas, begging anything out there that would listen, Javi had decided to stay in tonight. If he was in Sapulpa with Kate, or had actually decided to take that last minute flight out to Miami, this would have all been for naught. 

You park on the street, the noise of the people in Javi’s apartment ramping up as midnight drew closer. The sound of your feet running up the stairs were drowned out by the noise of his neighbors and you cursed under your breath, hoping he’d hear the almost frantic knock on his front door. 

You have to remind yourself to breathe, gulping in air, when the door swings open, revealing Javi, decked out in grey sweatpants and a silly Wranglers shirt Dani had given him, looking like he’d been on the verge of dozing off. 

He says your name in surprise, shuffling forward almost as if to touch you. “What are you doing here?” 

You take a shuddering breath, shrugging. “What’s that stupid thing Tyler always says? If you feel it, chase it? Well Javi, I feel it. I feel it and I’m chasing it.” 

His breath hitches but you give him no other time to respond, tugging on the front of his shirt as you pull him down into a kiss. 

It’s soft, it’s searing. It’s everything you could’ve ever wanted. 

His lips mold themselves against yours, hands finding your waist, as your palms slide up against his shirt, curling into his hair. You tilt your head, letting him deepen the kiss as the pressure on your hips grow. 

Distantly, you can hear fireworks set off. 

He pulls away, more than a little breathless as his thumb reaches up to wipe a bit of saliva away, heat flooding your cheeks at the movement. 

“Does this make me your New Year’s kiss?” 

“I guess it depends on if it makes you my boyfriend.” 

He shrugs nonchalantly, tugging at some of your hair. “I think we could maybe work something out.” 

You suck a breath in through your teeth. “Can I come inside? It’s fucking freezing out here.” 

“Oh shit, yeah.” He tugs you into the warmth of his apartment, moving to behind you to gently remove your coat from you. You swallow at the casual intimacy as he turns to hang it on the coat rack. His hands are back on you not much longer after, his lips place open kisses down the side of your neck as he moves your hair out of his way. 

You hum, leaning into him. “Bedroom?” 

“Bedroom.”

-

The new January light filters through the cracks in Javi’s, a soft grey covering the room as you reach you to card your fingers through his hair. 

He stirs, nuzzling closer to your hand as he blindly reaches out for you. Once he finds you, he softly tugs you towards him. 

“My ma is gonna be pissed I’ve taken you to bed before I’ve taken you out on a date twice now.” 

You snort, head falling into the crook of his  neck as his hands slip under your, well, actually it’s Javi’s shirt. You slide impossibly closer to him, grinning into his shoulder at his hiss at the feeling of your cold feet sliding in between his legs. 

“Did you ever actually get this mole checked out like I told you to?” 

You peer up at him, admiring the way his eyelashes frame his eyes, his freckles visible even in the silvery lighting. “Is that really what you care about right now?” 

“Just asking.” He mumbles. “Am I not allowed to care about your well-being?” 

You hum, reaching a hand up to ghost over his cheek. “I guess that might be okay, lover.” 

He groans, hands flexing around you. “Don’t tease me like that. ‘Specially not when you’re wearing my shirt and boxers like that baby.” 

You laugh but don’t push the moment any farther, wanting to relish this quiet moment with him. You’d never have the first morning of being with him again, after all. 

“I love you so much baby.” He says softly. “I still can’t believe you showed up like that last night.” “You’re my home Javi. How could I have gone anywhere else?”

[selfaware-bungou-stray-dogs]

Yukichi Fukuzawa (self-aware)

Self-Aware! Yukichi Fukuzawa x GN! Reader

Warning: Yandere. OOC. Spoilers for "The Untold Origins of the Detective Agency". Fukuzawa doesn't like you at first. Overprotective Fukuzawa. English is my second language.

Becoming self-aware

👘🗡️ Fukuzawa Yukichi is a stoic man. Fukuzawa Yukichi is a swordsman. Fukuzawa Yukichi was an assassin. Fukuzawa Yukichi was a bodyguard. Fukuzawa Yukichi is a President of the Armed Detective Agency. And, apparently, he never has been real.

👘🗡️ It takes everything for Fukuzawa not to lose himself.

👘🗡️ Was his previous life a lie? Were the lives of his workers a lie too?

👘🗡️ What about other Yokohama citizens? Are ADA members the only ones who gained self-awareness? Are they the only ones who stayed in this cursed place?

👘🗡️ Fukuzawa wanted to scream. He wanted to do something, anything, to stop this real life nightmare.

👘🗡️ But there is no point in grieving. ADA need him to be strong.

👘🗡️ Fukuzawa ordered everyone to travel in pairs. After taking a quick look at other floors and finding them empty, Fukuzawa ordered to move living quarters into the ADA building.

👘🗡️ The first day was hard. The next ones wasn't easier.

👘🗡️ Atsushi was afraid of been alone. Kunikida was a husk of his former self. Yosano was ready to destroy anyone who crossed her path. Junchirou put all his efforts in looking after Naomi. Naomi was avoiding all of them. Kirako was behaving like a robot. Katai was working day and night. Kenji tried to stay positive, but he also was lost. Kyouka was ready to become a killer again, if it helps the agency. Ranpo was working as much as he can. And, while each time he couldn't find something useful, Ranpo pretended not to be bothered by it, Fukuzawa still could see, that Ranpo became sadder and sadder. Dazai was aloof and closed off.

👘🗡️ Fukuzawa saw his workers distress. He could see their pain. And he can't do anything to ease their pain.

👘🗡️ He talked to them. Offered a shoulder to cry on. But it wasn't enough.

👘🗡️ He tried to be strong for them. But, time to time, he almost broke.

👘🗡️ The news, that they weren't the only one, who is self-aware, were... good. At some extent. At least, there were other people.

👘🗡️ And then, one day, he feels an entity's gaze on him.

___________________

It was watching...

It was observing...

It was not something familiar...

Years of training have sharpened Fukuzawa's senses.

They were sharp enough to observe The Entity in return.

Fukuzawa is patient. He is observing The Entity. He is waiting for its first move.

Fukuzawa was an assassin. He still remembers, how to follow his target. But he can't follow this target.

He trusts his guts and years of training. He is sure, that he is not mistaken. Fukuzawa was sure, that this thing isn't there. The Entity is hiding in a different world.

When Atsushi asked if they have felt someone's gaze on them, Fukuzawa answered, that he has felt it.

Others have felt it too. Their conditions became worse. Most of his workers became angrier.

All because of This Entity.

Fukuzawa is trying harder to find a way to The Entity. To this strange emotionless thing.

When he will find it, he will make sure this creature will be destroyed.

He won't let this thing poison his workers lives anymore.

And then time resets.

And Fukuzawa, once again, was thirty-two-years-old bodyguard, whose last client were assassinated.

________________________

When they start feeling your presence

👘🗡️ At first, Fukuzawa was just standing there. At first glance, he looked calm. But in reality, he was enraged, he was scared, he was lost.

👘🗡️ He felt The Entity's gaze again. But in a second, the ominous presence disappeared.

👘🗡️ Instead, he felt, like something was floating above him.

👘🗡️ Fukuzawa looked up. A blob of light. A small, shapeless blob of light. He can tell, that it is The Entity. Of course, it wasn't its real form. And he heard a voice. Just a whisper, that came from the blob.

"young..." "cool..." "strong..."

👘🗡️ Then blob gently lowered itself and settled on Fukuzawa's head. The Blob seems happy.

👘🗡️ And Fukuzawa felt its happiness. Fukuzawa felt, like he just drank some good tea.

👘🗡️ Okay... He didn't expect this. Fukuzawa was puzzled. This Entity has emotions? And it decides to become a light blob.

👘🗡️ Fukuzawa tries to touch the blob. But his fingers passed through it. And Blob doesn't seem to notice Fukuzawa's actions.

👘🗡️ Fukuzawa decided to go to the company of his late client. He needs to meet Ranpo.

👘🗡️ And like this, with a light blob on his head, Fukuzawa was on his way.

👘🗡️ When Fukuzawa arrived, he, once again, had to preform an impossible movement, just to get to the room with the caught assassin.

👘🗡️ Fukuzawa heard, that Entity spoked again. This time, the voice was louder, but not really clear.

"Fukuzawa [||||||||||] awesome! [|||||||||||||] bodyguard ever!"

👘🗡️ The Blob on his head purred. It was... cute.

👘🗡️ During the next few minutes, Blob, once again, was floating above him, above young assassin, above secretary, above Ranpo.

👘🗡️ Fukuzawa noticed, that, he was the only one, who can see the Blob.

👘🗡️ During their talk in a café, Blob were floating above them.

👘🗡️ After secretary's crimes were exposed, and Fukuzawa agreed to treat Ranpo, he asked, if Ranpo heard The Entity. Ranpo confirmed that yes, he has heard them.

👘🗡️ For the first time, since Fukuzawa learned about The Entity's existence, he felt calm. They... don't seem bad. Simply curious. Not malicious.

👘🗡️ Fukuzawa and Ranpo finally went to the theater, where Fukuzawa's next job should be.

👘🗡️ When he met Ranpo for the first time, Fukuzawa was so irritated by the child's behavior, he thought about fifty-one ways of getting rid of him. Fukuzawa hoped, that this time, Ranpo would be less annoying. He was mistaken.

👘🗡️ Not only Ranpo was as annoying as before, The Blob was laughing. The Blob seems amused by Ranpo's behavior. Fukuzawa felt exhausted.

👘🗡️ At the end of their walk, Fukuzawa had thought about thirty ways of getting rid of the Blob. And he proclaimed it loudly, pointing at it. Ranpo looked confused, but didn't ask any questions.

👘🗡️ When Ranpo was kidnapped, and Fukuzawa was looking for him, he could feel The Entity's worry and fear.

👘🗡️ When Fukuzawa was lecturing Ranpo, The Entity was also lecturing him

👘🗡️ The Entity were never evil... Fukuzawa was grateful, that he learned it before he can seriously hurt The Blob... Little Light.

👘🗡️ The time 'resets again'. Fukuzawa 'woke up' in the ADA office. Atsushi's entrance exam just ended a moment ago.

👘🗡️ Days passed. Slowly, others became back to normal. As Fukuzawa learned from talks, The Entity was praising them. They were crying with them. They were treating them like humans.

👘🗡️ And one more thing were new there.

👘🗡️ The Light Blob, that were floating above them. And, again, others didn't notice it.

👘🗡️ Now it didn't stay with Fukuzawa for long. He wished, that Little Light will stay with him longer. He wished, he heard their voice again.

👘🗡️ Ranpo has discovered, that Little Light is normal human.

👘🗡️ The next day, Dazai started a meeting in Fukuzawa's office. Dazai confessed, that he also can see Little Light Blob. If one feels Guiding Light presence long enough, they start seeing the Little Light Blob. Dazai offered to start working on finding a way to Their Guiding Light. That's how Dazai called them.

👘🗡️ Fukuzawa and the rest of ADA agree.

👘🗡️ ADA has decided to find a way to their world. So they can be near them.

👘🗡️ And then, Atsushi and Kyouka were kidnapped by Port Mafia again.

___________________________

"A comrade is in danger. We need to rescue him. Is there some weightier logic in the world which trumps that?"

Fukuzawa Yukichi felt, how Light Blob flew closer to him. He heard the voice.

"kind" "true leader" "everyone is safe with him"

"Fukuzawa, you are a great leader. All ADA members are safe with you. You will never let them be hurt. I think, they are very lucky to have such a kind and loyal man as their leader."

Little Light flew closer to Fukuzawa and pet his shoulder.

[In reality, you carefully pet the manga panel with Fukuzawa on it.]

______________________

👘🗡️ When Dazai offers to arrange a meeting between Fukuzawa and Ougai Mori, Fukuzawa agrees. They need more people. More people to find a way to Their Guiding Light.

👘🗡️ The meeting was a success. After hearing about working together with finding a way to the real world, to Their Guiding Light, Mori immediately agrees.

👘🗡️ Some time passed. The Guild joined them. And Rats. And DOA. And Hunting Dogs. And The Government.

👘🗡️ All of them were together. Joined their forces in finding a way to you.

And then, one day, during one of their meetings, the purple moon shined above Yokohama.

_____________________

When you installed BSD Mayoi Inu Kaikitan

👘🗡️ Fukuzawa will be the first, who will try to raise the chance of getting his card from the scout.

👘🗡️ Soon, you will have all your Fukuzawa cards with max level skill.

"This SR Summer Festival Fukuzawa card looks good"

"Wow, Fukuzawa's skill deals so much damage"

"I like when I see Fukuzawa's sprite in The Office"

👘🗡️ When BSD gang will gain access to the rest of your phone, Fukuzawa will find information about dangers in your world. He can't allow anyone to hurt you. You are under his protection. He is your bodyguard. He will keep you safe.

👘🗡️ Likes to look at cat videos, cat pictures and cat memes with you.

👘🗡️ Last time, he touched the Little Light, hie couldn't do it. But he will get this chance, when they will go to your world. He wants to touch your face. To feel, that you are real.

👘🗡️ Fukuzawa Yukichi was a bodyguard. And for you, he will become him again. Fukuzawa Yukichi is a President of the Armed Detective Agency. And he will use his authority to help you. And Fukuzawa Yukichi soon will be real. Others soon will be real. Real, as you are. Their Guiding Light.

________________________

You finally get a new Fukuzawa card. When you finish level it up, you saw a notification from the "Gift Box".

It was a note from Fukuzawa. With Awakening materials attached to it.

"[Y/N], I hope that you are safe. Please, be careful. The world is a dangerous place. I wish I could protect you. Fukuzawa Yukichi"

You smile and open Fukuzawa'd card again. You carefully pet sprite's shoulder.

"Thank you, Fukuzawa. I am grateful, that you want to protect me. Perhaps, one day, you could do it."

You didn't notice, that Fukuzawa's eyes shine with dangerous light.

[valhallavalgrace]

What’s new in the AU?

Leo: Well, I’m fucking dead, so-

THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO AVOID SPOILERS!

Leo attempted using the Physician’s Cure, but there were complications as Festus tried to revive him, and he was instead claimed by the Valkyrie. All other events through Blood of Olympus remain unchanged.

Months have passed since his real-world death, leaving his friends to mourn both his and Magnus’ deaths in the time that it took for him to arrive at HV. Magnus Chase and Annabeth Chase have been in contact (as the events of Sword of Summer are also unchanged), so he is aware of the Greek pantheon; however, he had not yet, at that time, met Leo or otherwise connected the dots prior to the start of this blog.

Leo arrives in Valhalla right before Alex Fierro, meaning that the Hammer of Thor is running in parallel to his initial adjustment to the Hotel. He will not be participating in all events of HoT, but many may be referenced, altered, or used as inspiration throughout the blog. HoT and SotD will both happen to an extent (on and off screen).

Magnus Chase is set to meet with Annabeth and Percy again as Ship of the Dead is inevitable. There will be implications before and after this happens.

Namely, in canon, they are crying over Jason's death. Meaning, ToA is running in parallel.

This is where it takes a little bit of imagination and a little bit of playing along, later on! At the same time as the blog & Hammer of Thor, Trials of Apollo (kind of) happens. Most of The Hidden Oracle running parallel to SoS is canonically unchanged, but The Dark Prophecy requires Lester, Calypso, and Festus to complete their quests without Leo himself. Narratively, I don’t really mind the thought of Calypso saving herself when Festus arrives alone, attempting to nurse Leo’s old body, but Festus and Leo alike grieve for their friendship.

Leo is building a new Festus body, but it won’t become his Festus until later in the story…

Similarly, The Burning Maze remains mostly unchanged, with Jason’s death following the events of canon (that is to say, 6 months after BoO/Leo’s death). He is, indeed, broken up with Piper at this point, but without Leo, she is left to mourn with Festus. Her role in this story will come later down the line…

(Yes, they broke up because they were incompatible types of queer; Jason is still processing HoH by his arrival)

While Jason is immediately claimed by the Valkyrie to bring to Valhalla upon his death, it is still TBD when his specific arrival happens in line with SotD, interactions between the Chase cousins, and the canon of V²AU.

As of now...

Leo has only just arrived in Valhalla! This page will update as the AU develops or as major things change. You can also check out #lore and the pinned post/descriptions for pertinent updates

[inukag-archive]

Hi, I’m looking for fics where Kagome and/or Inuyasha deal with depression/anxiety. I like longer stories but one-shots are totally fine too. I would prefer stories from before 2019 so there’s no Yashahime influence. Also please no sessrin in the recs. Thank you so much!

Hi anon, thank you for the ask! Most of the fics we could find that fit your criteria are one shots, but there are a few longer stories sprinkled throughout. In order to provide more reading material, we split the list into stories written in 2019 or earlier and stories that were written after 2019 but contain no references to Yashahime (characters, plot, or otherwise). There shouldn't be any SessRin references in any of the fics either.

This is a difficult subject to search for without having read a story in its entirety, so we strongly encourage anyone who knows of any others to leave more recs in the reblogs/replies!

[2019 or Earlier]

He Just Wouldn't Stop by @artistefish (G)

Just because she's back doesn't mean there aren't scars. Some wounds take more than time to heal, and some never heal at all. A post-canon look at an unexpected repercussion of Kagome's three year absence.

--

Guilty Hero by Eggry (T)

The city is recovering after a crippling war against Naraku. But while time moves on, Inu-Yasha doesn't. Plagued with guilt over a terrible deed, alcohol is his only escape from the nightmare of reality. At their wit's end with him, Sango and Miroku are on the verge of giving up until Kagome Higurashi arrives to take him under her wing.

--

Sleep, My Dear by Stars_Sky_See (T)

Kagome was quickly adjusting to her new life with the help of her now husband. Life had all around been easier since her return and everyone was grateful. However, life wasn’t so merciful, with every two steps forward there was always one step back.

--

The Ghosts of Suicide Forest by @splendentgoddess (T)

Aokigahara, known by some as Suicide Forest. It is a place of mystery, beauty and death. Roughly 100 people go there annually to commit suicide, but why? The better question, though, is can Kagome find and rescue Yuka before it is too late?

--

Broken Glass by SleepWalkingChickens (M)

Growing up is hard, especially when things are changing. Kagome is plunged into a new world, complete with new problems. The past is hard to let go of and baggage builds up. Unravel it and you’re met with truth. Can love win over Inuyasha's sins?

--

It Goes Like This by @witchygirl99 (G)

It goes like this.

“Hey! I haven’t seen you in a while!” Kagome exclaims, smiling at him. Her eyes are dark brown and beautiful, captivating.

Five different answers pop into his head, all of them friendly and inviting for conversation. It’s not what comes out.

Inuyasha isn't the main character of anyone's story. With Kagome, that feeling starts to change.

--

[Post 2019 w/ No Yashahime References]

Pictures of Happiness by @memilylove (M)

The loss of his high school sweetheart changed more than Inuyasha realized. With the encouragement of friends, he finally gives himself another shot at getting help. The path is not easy, but he soon finds that perhaps there is a point to all this. Is it really possible to be happy again and to find that you love another?

--

Other Reasons to Stay Awake by @ajoy3fanfics (NR)

Kagome suffers from PTSD after she returns to her side of the well

--

Shattered by My-Crazy-Awesome-Sox (T)

Oneshot: Leading a double life has got to be stressful. What happens when it all starts falling apart for Kagome? Everything has been pent up for too long, and now it's all crashing down around her. For anyone who's ever had a breakdown...

--

A Horse With No Name by @roseheartwhitefox (T)

The story of what happened to Inuyasha after Kagome disappeared when the well closed for 3 years, heavily referencing the episode "The Old Sugarman Place" from "BoJack Horseman". I feel as if after everything that happened and Kagome disappeared, Inuyasha would need time to grieve the loss. This is that story. Deals with themes of depression, loneliness, and loss. 

--

Stay by @akitokihojo (G)

He nodded again, pulling away to gently press his forehead to hers for a moment. "I get it." Inuyasha breathed before leaning back to look her in the eyes. "But, one of these days you'll understand that no matter what happens, I won't take a damn thing back. You'll see that I don't want it back. I feel like my heart's safer with you, anyway."

--

Kagome's Unwitting Depression by @cstormsinukagblog (M)

Kagome sees something that she isn't meant to see, and it kind of breaks her. Can she and Inuyasha repair the damage before she gives up hope?

--

Breaking the Habit: Rewrite by @kstewdeux (M)

After being separated for six years, Inuyasha and Kagome are reunited on her side of the well. TW: SI, Mental Illness.

--

The Voice Inside My Head by @fawn-eyed-girl (E)

When Kagome returns to the Feudal era a week after a particular nasty fight with Inuyasha, he realizes something’s not right. Is it too late for Inuyasha and Kagome—have the years of fighting broken them apart for good? Or will they be able to find a way forward, together?

--

Feel free to add your own recs in the comments or reblogs! Check our Masterlist of previous lists to see which topics we've covered.  After reviewing our submission guidelines, send us an ask (here).

[zattis]

Gentle Giants Can Do So Much

I think I've been fascinated by the concept of giants since I was about seven years old or so. I don't exactly know why, but it means that ever since I was little I've consumed a fair amount of content about them, most of it sfw, some of it... less so.

And it seems to me that the vast majority of content revolving around giants is violent. Perhaps that's to be expected. Maybe being so big means all that power has to go to your head.

But every time I see art of a giant character just crushing stuff without a care, it’s not hard to think of the casualties. That’s pretty typical for any Kaiju-oriented media, but it’s just sad to see a giant act like a regular old monster when they could be so much more.

The gentle giant is a much more appealing concept to me personally because they have room in their big heart for many. The gentle giant loves his small friends and is loved by them in return.

Imagine a giant in the winter or during a freeze. It's very cold outside, and though the giant is unaffected, there are many tiny people that are not so lucky. But the giant's body radiates warmth due to its overabundance of body heat and its clothes, so it has a solution. That night, many people struggling to find warmth cuddle up against the body of the giant and feel no ill effects of the cold despite sleeping outside.

Picture a giant working alongside a construction crew, helping them to move around raw materials and set the foundations of a new building in place. They do the heavy lifting while the tinies specialize in precision. Buildings that typically take months or even years to build are finished in a quarter of the time, and any dangers normal sized people may face working against gravity or heavy weights are mitigated when a giant is able to catch them if they fall or carry the weight for them.

Envision the aftermath of a natural disaster. A city is leveled. Casualties are unknown, but many are grieving. In response, a relief organization sends a group of giants and tinies alike to the disaster zone. Some of the giants come transporting enormous amounts of food and relief supplies in enormous refrigerators and containers they can wear like backpacks before they set them down in the cleared city center. Some work to clear out all the stray rubble, occasionally saving a person trapped underneath and reuniting them with their families and friends. A couple are simply there for emotional support, to hold the distraught in their large arms or to let them rest in their fluffy hair.

And even in those sci-fi or fantasy settings, imagine the protective giants fighting against the beasts or monsters only they can hold back, doing what they can to keep any monster from entering a populated area because the giants don't want their friends to be in danger. Perhaps they are helped by normal-sized soldiers or heroes, and both giants and tinies alike work together to protect their home.

Because the gentle giant is still human, even if they're a lot bigger. They choose to love humans, to care about them. And that's a powerful thing, just as powerful as being dozens of feet tall (or taller) and having the strength of hundreds of men (or more). The gentle giant has a heart that can hold many and arms that can hold many more. With that strength, they can lift up the world around them.

I don’t think that’s explored enough.

[thediktatortot]

Harringrove, Angst, medical issues.

---

At first it was the memory issues.

It was little things, keys, wallet, coats, the things every person lost and found on any good day...but it was other things too; cups of water, medication, photos, missed phone calls, forgotten dates...names.

No one wanted to really pay attention to those things though, the little things, chocking it up to simple forgetfulness and absentmindedness for the sake of nothing being wrong. No one wanted to break the proverbial wall of 'Nothing's Wrong'.

There were other signs of course, like the random mood swings, the mixing of words, panicked phone calls in the middle of the night because no one knew where he was or they would wake up to a confused phone call of their own.

He snapped more often, got angry at his friends and his lover, repeated the same stories multiple times as though he had forgotten he'd not been the only one there.

They thought it might be his PTSD re-surging, a wave of old memories causing him grief in his midlife crises- they should have noticed it sooner, should have done something, said something, pushed him to see a professional...but no one wanted to talk about it.

No one wanted to notice the growing elephant in the room and break the fragile world that everything was okay.

Everything was...not okay.

Everything was dismal and bleak.

Early Dementia is what the doctors said, most likely brought on by the multiple recorded concussions in Steve's medical history and as both Billy and the other's knew...ones that weren't listed.

The guilt was...immeasurable. Steve himself was the only one who even dared be positive over the diagnosis, holding Billy tight in his arms to sooth both Billy and himself.

"It's okay...It's not your fault...Don't ever blame yourself." Steve kissed Billy on the crown of his head where they sat together, the warmth of their shared bedroom of the last thirty years both a comfort and a reminder of their aging bodies- aging minds.

Billy would blame himself though, nothing would ever be able to pry that nail out of his heart, that one rusted nail of grief and guilt over maybe being the deciding factor, the tipping point. The Reason.

The doctors said there were ways to slow the onset of the disease, ways to build up healthy memory functions and regain small bits of self reliance and autonomy, but it wasn't a cure.

There wasn't a cure and Billy wanted to tare down entire cities with his rage over that fact. How could other dimensions with monsters and little girls with mind powers be real...but not a simple cure for a fucking disease?

It's not fair.

It's not right.

It's not supposed to happen to them, they saved the world more times than should have been necessary and-...and now they have to suffer too?

Was it not enough to bleed and to cry and too loose and to wake panicked in the night over wind and rain at their windows or the darkness of the night?

It wasn't fair.

And Steve- Steve was so...so good, so calm, so caring, so attentive to those around him already processing the grief of their loved one who was still there...but fading. Always fading.

"You know...I'm glad it's me." Steve would say, tears in his eyes as he smiled. "I'm- so glad I don't have to watch you or any of the kids...disappear."

It was selfish of Steve to say, in Billy's opinion, because he had to watch it. Billy had to watch Steve disappear and the kids had to watch him disappear and it hurt so goddamned bad.

But Billy knew he couldn't grieve his lover while he still lived, it wasn't right, it wasn't fair to Steve and it wasn't fair to the kids.

It wasn't fair but it was happening and the only thing they could do was to just keep living their lives. Keep experiencing and making new memories, take photos and write letters, buy shirts with event names, sign cards with love and kisses, visit more and just...exist more.

Billy and Steve's house had always been the hangout spot, but after Steve's diagnosis, it became a second home for anyone and everyone whenever they wanted. Photos cluttered the walls, memories and dates written down and notes pinned to pinboards so Steve could look back on things in case he forgot them.

It became their thing, the Wall of Memories, they called it, and it was all for Steve.

And after Steve could no longer leave his home, when Billy became his primary care person who dealt with Steve's worst days and made sure he was present for Steve's best, the Wall of Memories became Steve's home, his world.

The living room became the bedroom, the bedroom became the third guest room and when all of that was gone, when the living room bedroom was no longer needed and the smell of hospital soap and white linens took over, the Wall of Memories became everyone's.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Holy Ground | Hallowed Bodies Update #1

LONAN CLARK ERA LONAN CLARK ERA!! Welcome to instalment 1 of the Hallowed Bodies updates! :) HB is a literary fiction novella I finished in August (WIP intro) and a companion to BODY BACK.

Let's talk about magical beginnings, how life impacts writing, grieving potentials, & Lonan's internality!

Update under the cut!

Logline: When his girlfriend leaves to travel, Lonan carries out his typical daily routine which includes visiting a church and walking a strange route home.

Hallowed Bodies taglist (pls ask to be +/-):

@subtlefires @dallonwrites @saintedseraph @cream-and-tea @rownanisntwriting @euphoniouspandemonium @iwannawritepls @thefruitonyourfly @olive-riggzey @silassghost @thelivingdeceased

Beginnings & more beginnings

When I got the original idea for Hallowed Bodies, it was March and I was on the other side of the country at the intersection in front of my old apartment building. It was raining on my walk home from a journalism class and I was listening to My Dying Spirit by Greyson Chance when I had the thought... "okay if Harrison is alone in Las Vegas in BODY BACK, that must mean LONAN is also alone for a while in Las Vegas--so what's he doing?"

For about two days, I was really consumed with the idea of what this book *could* be--eerie church imagery, a contemplation of faith, an exploration of Lonan's relationship with his dead mother. Then time passed, I moved, life got weird, I finished BODY BACK, and by the time I got back to HB, something in me had changed.

When life changes writing & grieving potentials

I've given that preamble because HB didn't turn into the thing I thought it would turn into on that initial walk back home. I think there's sometimes a tendency in writing advice spaces to be so blasé about how life circumstances impact writing. I don't think there was any possible way June 2023 me could've written the Hallowed Bodies I'd dreamt up back in March 2023. I changed SO much despite staying fundamentally the same and the idea also had to change because *I'm* the one writing it.

With that said, sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I stayed exactly where I was in the spring (which is an extremely Lonan and Harrison-core thing to consider LOL). In a way, a big part of writing this book was grieving what it could've been. I still have a distinct vibe of the early vision which is very similar but adjacent nonetheless to what I actually wrote. I think that's what made writing this project so hard because I didn't understand what I wanted from it--March me was conflicting with June me and in the end, what we got was a mixture of both!

A positive start... for now!!!

I've always heard of writers talk about "shiny new idea syndrome" but I never really understood it. However, drafting Holy Ground completely clarified what shiny new idea syndrome even is which left me feeling perhaps overly confident (honestly which I'm grateful for because I didn't feel that way again until the last chapter LOLLL).

I drafted the first paragraph of this book back in April, and the rest of it only took a day or two in June. It's very short (for me) at 1500 words and illuminated two structural elements for HB: short chapters and "vignette"-like scenes.

Inspiration & vibes:

Okay so SORRY if you already know this but Greyson Chance got me unwise & his music video for My Dying Spirit is MY FAVOURITE THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD. I always thought of MDS as a really solid Lonan song, but the music video's Catholic imagery had me spiraling MORE. I basically wanted to recreate the vibes of that video in the form of a book.

We were really going for THIS as the vibe (from the video)!

Hallowed Bodies as Antithesis

One of the first things I knew about HB was that I wanted it to be a mirror of BODY BACK. I wanted to see how Lonan got to be a better person BEFORE FH in contrast to how Harrison becomes a worse person before FH. Thinking of Hallowed Bodies as the antithesis of BB is really fascinating to me! If BB is loud, HB is quiet. If BB is maximalist, HB is minimalist (as much as I could help it haha).

Internal narratives as a trap

Something I LOVE about this project in general is that it's SO internal. I don't think I've ever been so deeply rooted in Lonan's voice before, but Hallowed Bodies as a project warrants intimacy. Lonan's alone for a week in Las Vegas basically doing nothing, which is a precursor to Feeding Habits (the novel that comes after this) where he's really "settled" into being a completely subordinate person in his own life.

I wanted to use internality as a means to make the narrative feel confined, like Lonan does. Because of that, I focused on adding a LOT of descriptions that directly reflect Lonan's desires and internal conflicts (the excerpt with the couple reflects this the most). What he notices is EXTREMELY important. What do his observations reveal about him?

Listlessness and Lonan

Something that became clear to me early in the drafting process is that Lonan is soooo listless. Like direction? Drive? Passion? He has NOTHINGGGG. He's really living a settled, "domestic" life, and he clearly can't handle it. This is setup for Feeding Habits so it's not as intense as it is there, but this man is BORED and ready to romanticize ANYTHING for some serotonin. This is critical setup for later when we meet "the man" (whose name for efficiency's sake is Dallas bc he looks like Matt Dillon in The Outsiders <3 that was the reason <3).

HB is a really transitional project for Lonan. He comes off Moth Work a better person to others but not quite a better person to himself. We get to see him crave gentleness a LOT in HB, a feeling that seems so foreign to him, which I think also contributes to his feeling of displacement. In a way, it was also transitional for me--it's the first thing I've written in full as a graduate!

The plot

CW: religious trauma (Catholicism)

Scene A:

In a church, Lonan recalls a memory of him and his father praying.

Scene B:

Lonan starts his walk home, aware the route is nonsensical.

Scene C:

Lonan recalls the last time he saw Eliza before she left for her week-long trip.

Scene D:

Lonan considers Las Vegas' warm autumn.

Scene E:

In memory, Eliza finds Lonan's father's rosary in her apartment.

Excerpts:

The first "scene" (aka vignette). This is one of my favourite openings EVER!!! It's just Hallowed Bodies core!

Lonan doesn’t pray anymore. At least not the way he used to. As a child, he and his father prayed everywhere: begging for forgiveness at Crater Lake, repenting in line for an oil change, supplicating in a windstorm. On Sundays, they’d wake before dawn and nestle in front of the bathroom mirror, recite the first chapter of Genesis, Paul’s letters to Timothy, Psalm 22. Lonan preferred the Apostle’s Creed. He’d watch his young mouth repeat I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, and he did believe. After hours of this, sunlight misting the open window, mass a half hour away, their lips would be so numb they’d have to pinch them until they were bloody mouthed and ready, at last, for God. The truth is, Lonan believes in nothing now. He’s as fatherless as he is motherless as he is godless. This should be a good thing. But bowed against a pew, the church around him hollow like Jesus’ empty tomb, his eyes trained on the dangling crucifix ahead of him, he’s certain this is wrong. He needs a mentor, a shepherd, an idol. He needs someone to follow.

This is the second scene/vignette. Something I love here is that we can tell Lonan's a hopeless romantic lol. Like hey you're looking awfully fondly at that couple, why?? You want that?? You want love?? Also! If you read the recent Changing States excerpt, you'll notice I also mention a café in the arts district which is an easter egg to say Lonan and Jeremiah love the same café (they need to be friends):

He takes the long way home. The long way home entails cutting past a wedding chapel near Lewis until he nears a second wedding chapel by a dollar store. He then turns around and retraces his steps back to the church, then walks all the way to a café bakery in the arts district where he stands and watches patrons from across the street. A man always meets a woman. They swipe off milk foam mustaches, lean against each other to fill out a crossword. The sun sometimes hits their faces and pales their eyes till they’re transparent like vapour. They never walk out together. He leaves the moment the first one goes, then continues back to the church where he finally walks ten minutes to Eliza’s place. The walk takes over an hour. It’s inefficient. Nonsensical. He makes this route every day.

This is just such a typical Lonan and Eliza interaction:

She’d left groceries in the fridge—no need to go shopping—and if he wanted, she’d also left a fifty-dollar bill on the counter for takeout. As he stared at the ceiling, she kissed him and complained about her mother’s plans to go horseback riding that coming weekend. “I know what a horse looks like,” she said, then explained they’d also be touring Stowe with a gaudy tourism agency. “She’s exhausting me already.” She sighed, having gone completely still. Lonan didn’t notice until she took his face with her hand, squishing his jaw, and asked “Are you okay?” An hour later, she was gone with a pre-packed suitcase, and he was still lying in bed wondering if she’d been there at all, if he’d been there at all, if in actuality they were both dead, or at the very least, both ghosts.

Do you fear bodies of water to the point where you practice holding your breath in full sinks so if you're ever close to drowning at least you're prepared:

It’s September in Las Vegas. The asters that grow outside Eliza’s apartment building have started to bloom, shockingly purple. The severe summer heat has barely faded, weather Lonan isn’t used to. Sometimes he crouches right in front of Eliza’s oscillating fan so it blows right in his face. At other times he ruffles up the freezer until he finds something suitable to drape on his forehead—a bag of peas, a Ziploc of homemade perogies, a hard plastic ice pack Eliza almost always forgets to return after work. Though sometimes, he cranks the bathroom sink all the way to cold and fills it up, sticks his face in there like it’s nothing, waits there for what feels like a few hours.

Lonan examining how fucking weird dating Eliza is lol:

Eliza doesn’t know about his visits to the church. He started his daily trips about two weeks back, ensuring he got home before she did from a shift. As they ate canned beef stew on the couch, as she spoke to him about an irritating coworker, as she rested her hand on his elbow then looked at her bedroom door, he kept this secret from her. He’s not sure why. He knows he doesn’t have to. Eliza already knows his father was devout to something—on the last day of August, she rummaged through a filing cabinet in her bedroom and pulled out a bronze rosary. Lonan didn’t need to look at it to know who it belonged to. He’d learned to identify it by scent alone. “That’s your dad’s,” she said, something sober in her voice. She was essentially providing him a confession—a crime she unknowingly participated in. The rosary dangled like fuzzy dice from a rear-view mirror. When he didn’t move from where he leaned in the doorway, she stood and pocketed it. “I didn’t know. He gave it to me when…” Her voice trailed off when she realized he still hadn’t reacted. What had she expected from him? He’s not wholly illogical—he’d accepted that his father had likely given her things and that she’d kept them. They’d dated. That was normal.

^^ (IS IT NORMAL THO I COULD WRITE A TAG ESSAY ON THIS)

Eliza backtracks (CW: implied abuse, blood mention):

Eliza promised she’d go through all her things—make sure she didn’t have anything else “from Jason.” Hearing his father’s name said aloud like that was a normal thing felt even stranger than having his rosary. Lonan took a step back that was really more a stagger; he narrowly caught himself on the bedroom doorframe. His cheeks were hot—with embarrassment, but also tears, and the tears worsened the embarrassment which worsened the tears. He couldn’t explain to her that when he was too young to memorize a phone number, that rosary had been wrapped around his hand till his fingers turned blue. Or that one silty night, he’d clutched the cross so tight under his pillow that his palms bled. “Sorry,” he said, pawing at his eyes.

The aftermath of that scene:

In the end, he sat on the balcony, silently crying as he stared out over the city. He tried to think of ways to reverse time—perhaps if he pretended nothing happened, Eliza would too. They’d start the afternoon all over again, her kicking off her shoes at the front door, setting her purse down on the small dining table. “You want to grab dinner?” she would’ve shouted through the apartment, already fumbling for the coupons she’d tacked to the refrigerator, knowing he was listening to her. Instead, he stared at his trembling fist.

And the last paragraph of this chapter! (Lonan really said "I don't have thoughts stop bothering me")

He needs to eat something. There’s raw celery in the vegetable crisper. A new pack of whole wheat tortillas atop the toaster. It’s when he’s pulling them out to eat, the low static hum of a radio station left on gritting midair, that he realizes perhaps that’s exactly it—he can’t tell Eliza about the church. Not because she won’t care, but precisely because she will. She’d follow him every time he goes, ask what he was thinking of every time he bowed his head to pray. He doesn’t know what he thinks. Most of the time he isn’t thinking at all. But what he knows for certain is the church and his meandering walk, that couple in the café, the fact that one always leaves, are not just routine for him. This is his holy ground. Luminous, alive. Somewhere to flee, even when he’s not sure what he’s running from.

And that's it! I'm really excited to introduce y'all more officially to Hallowed Bodies! :) And because I vowed to make these updates feel more cozy, here's this Lonancore gif LOL:

[lunaritychuwolf]

The Woes of the Fairground Keeper

The last he had seen of her, they were both happy. She was on her way to do what she needed to and he was building away, working on the fair ground.

And as life always does, something unexpected happens. On a bright, sunny and cloudless day, everyone hears a loud rumble of thunder echo, a sound akin to booming TNT. Silence all around.

Confusion follows until understanding dawns. The love of his life, gone without a trace. Lost to a black void of space.

All he can do is mourn, and live on in her memory, for what more can he do when there's no body left to bury.

But his time for mourning is cut short, in place of remembrance now fills celebration. A fellow friend, curse now broken, dances and prances, flaunting his livelihood.

He feels rage, for a brief moment in time he wants to do something, his vision is clouded by red, but with his love gone, his heart goes numb and slowly his world fades to grey.

He goes to lament her loss again, but new chaos takes centre stage. Old allies, with relationships turned sour, hold destruction in their hands. Unleashing upon their little world the rages of hell and Shadows unmatched.

Death haunts him, trailing not far behind but never pulling him in. Instead, it took his love without leaving a trace, his songbird who earlier had his curse displaced, and his gentle friend,always a smile on his face.

Just like that, more lives are lost, just like that, their memories are erased. How much more does the world think his heart can break, how much more weight can his shoulders,already burdened, take...

So to save himself and his fragile heart, he retreats back to his fairground on the mound. Away from the dangers of this world, where finally, he can grieve all his losses of those he loved.

A/N: a filler as I try to figure out how to progress my Desert Duo fic.

I wrote this at 3am

Jizzie has my heart

If I cannot art while on holiday I must words

Thank you for reading😊😊

[pleathewrites]

bellow the fire into my deadened lungs

chapter 5: when they come for you, i will shield your name

(summary) | dabihawks, todoroki family, seroroki, kiribaku, aizawa & class of 1a, all might, league of villains

_______ DAY 8 _______

It is the day of his court hearing that Todoroki Touya dies, for the second time.

Keigo hears it live on the television at a nothing diner Eraserhead and All Might had said they would pick him up from. They were going to allow Keigo to sit in the same car as Touya on the way to the courthouse, planning to follow in a separate car. 

“BREAKING NEWS: TODOROKI TOUYA, KNOWN AS ‘DABI’, DIES IN VEHICULAR EXPLOSION WHILE BEING TRANSPORTED TO HIS COURT HEARING!”

The only thing Keigo can hear through the ringing in his ears is the forgotten five-year-old tucked away at the back of his mind screaming, ‘No! No! NO!’

The only thing Keigo could feel through blizzard winds whipping across his soaring wings was the home within his heart Touya had built with scarred preening hands collapsing and compressing until he could no longer breathe. 

And when he gasps to a landing halt, the only thing Keigo can see through thick smoke and scrap metal with his quirk-enhanced vision is the crude and grotesquely torn-off ring finger Keigo had spent countless hours tracing with his lips, imagining how it’d look enclosed by a gold band with, ‘forever,’ engraved inside.

“Touya!”  

He’s pulled back before he can run into the flames. All Might holds Keigo with every ounce of strength he no longer has and Eraserhead is using his quirk to soften sharpened feathers that cut into All Might’s straining arms. They’re both talking, speaking to Keigo, warning him — they won’t stop talking —  

‘Don’t they understand that Touya needs me, that I need to save him?’

It feels like minutes, hours, seconds, days, before red and orange fire is hosed down completely, and there is no trace of Touya’s body.

“But — I don’t…”

A member of the forensic team is bending down to bag Touya’s left ring finger when Keigo faintly realizes he’s stopped struggling against All Might.

The five-year-old child Keigo has hidden for so long comes out, “He’s fireproof?” 

(Keigo is in too much shock to see the look Shouta gives Yagi — the one that says, ‘don’t say a word.’)

“The damage the fire had done to his body activated the chip inside his wrist to explode. He died almost instantly if that eases your pain any,” Eraserhead tells Keigo. 

The world drops below his feet, not in the manner of when Keigo jumps off buildings to welcome blue skies, but in the manner of gravity plummeting those not gifted with flight to splatter them across concrete. 

Keigo pushes All Might off him with a rough shove and flies to his safehouse, to his home — their home.

And he screams.  

Every feather of his wings sharpen and fly out his back. Dozens of paper-thin cuts sting his cheeks, his neck, and cut through the arms and thighs of his flight suit. The shatter of broken pots and pierced glass means nothing to him. The clatter and bang of splintered wood and stabbed walls do not swallow the horrible shriek of his grieving wails. 

He’s dropped to his knees and he’s screaming, his still screaming, and he does not stop until his vocal cords are torn and swollen shut, until the floorboards are pounded through and clutched between a paralyzed stress-grip, until the fibers of his living room rug are stuck wetly to his nose, until the only noise he can hoarse out are the croons Touya had heard only a handful of times in his short, unlived life.

Keigo stays like that for hours, in the fetal position that five-year-old child had learned to be his only comfort in a life like his. He croons to himself the way Touya had loved so much until his body was too tired to do anything else but drift Keigo away to moonlit-metal and blue dreams. 

CLICK TO READ REST OF CHAPTER 5 ON AO3

[silknoise]

x. dossier. / x. wanted plots. x. pinterest. / x. thread tracker.

hi there friendos!!! i am thrilled to be joining you since i've been wanting something simple on tumblr for awhile now!! also so happy to be bringing my underappreciated queen umji to the party! the muse she's the face for is one of my faves to write; lee seonah, aka ramona lee is a new york born saxophonist with a cool demeanor and a love for cucumber melon. more info is listed below the cut, so if you're interested in any of her plots or would like me to swing by your ims to say hello or to plot something, you're invited to leave a like on this post!

trigger warnings: m*rder, robbery, implied g*n v*olence, grief

BACKSTORY

as briefly mentioned above, seonah was born in staten island, new york on august 7th, 1998.

her parents, originally from daegu, built a life stateside in the early '90s, so they were already pretty blended into the american routine by the time they had seonah.

in new york, seonah often went by her english name ramona, often shortened to mona. the name was derived from an old jazz singer and pianist her mother loved.

one of the main reasons seonah's parents even moved from south korea was so that her mother could try her luck at the new york jazz scene. she was a gifted pianist with quick hands who had always ensured seonah's life was filled with music.

those very sessions with fellow musicians she worked with were the catalyst for seonah's obsession with the saxophone. a musician seonah would always call uncle franklin would come and play the sax at their south shore townhome, while the small child watched and danced along.

he was actually the one to gift seonah her very own saxophone at age ten, by which her younger sister seoyeol had been born and was clinging to seonah's legs while she struggled to play the instrument.

the characteristics of her music were very much shaped by the staten island jazz scene, and the city's famous festival was a tradition for the whole family.

from her father did seonah inherit a love of gardening, building terrariums and making sure a healthy amount of green was present in all her decorating. she and her father would spend hours carefully placing moss, stones, grass and water in small glass containers until they resembled miniature nature scenes.

she spent a good amount of time in her dad's store as well, helping him stock and clean up throughout her childhood. the value of hard work was an early lesson for seonah and it would likely stick with her permanently.

that store, however, would come to be the site of a horrible tragedy that would uproot many lives.

TRIGGER WARNING AHEAD

her mother and father were working the late shift at the store one night when a masked gunman entered, demanding cash. her parents were both killed during the exchange, leaving seonah and her sister to grieve them at far too young an age.

as the two had no other blood relatives in the area, their parents' friends franklin and his wife delisle were named in a will to take the children in and raise them as their own.

it was an extremely tough transition, but the pair, along with another of their parents' closest friends adam made sure the sisters never went without love and encouragement. they refused to let the children's view of the world become twisted due to what they had gone through, and they were a huge part of why the two made it through that period of their lives.

END TRIGGER WARNING

now being raised by franklin, seonah was kept occupied by saxophone lessons, camping trips, walks through the city — any and everything she loved simply to keep her mind off the tragedy her family had faced.

despite her new guardians' best efforts to make her childhood fulfilling, seonah couldn't help but feel somewhat aimless after the passing of both her parents, and even a bit disconnected from them. she developed a fairly unbothered demeanor that some would even mistake for just not caring, though that was the furthest thing from the truth.

as she finished out her primary schooling and prepared to apply to the manhattan school of music, she floated the idea of possibly traveling to her parents' home city of daegu after graduating college to franklin and delisle. they met the idea with approval, thinking it was an excellent chance to reconnect with a past she'd never really gotten to discover.

after training up her musical talents to her instructors' satisfaction, it was finally time to say farewell to her family. she couldn't have said thank you to franklin, delisle and adam more times if she'd tried. seonah looked upon her now teenaged sister with slight guilt, feeling as though she were abandoning her for her own selfish reasons. seoyeol simply threw her arms around seonah and promised her she'd seek out universities in daegu so they could see each other soon.

and that was it, she was off to daegu with a graduation present of a one way flight and some won to run on until she found work. thankfully, that didn't take too long, as she found a pretty fancy restaurant looking for jazz musicians of her caliber.

seonah made a vow to herself that she would only speak in korean and only use her korean name until she felt that familiar connection to her parents once more.

she soon found a home in the confines of sueunju sharehouse, and though it's filled with strangers, it reminds her of the blended household she lived in back in staten island and even makes her oft expressionless visage falter into a smile. though she is still very much getting used to living in daegu two years on, her life is in a place of contentment for the time being. she continues to chase memories that have long since passed her by, barely conscious of all the new ones she is making in the process.

PERSONALITY

some would call her an ice queen, but she's more like a snow angel. like she's definitely composed, doesn't like to argue and sometimes comes off as though she's silently plotting your demise in a corner, but there is a warmth to seonah that is unmistakable. she can be so cold to the touch but also reach directly into your heart and make you melt. she is a mess of contradicting thoughts and feelings and words, but she could be ur mess of contradicting thoughts and feelings and words, u know???

only really loses her cool when it comes to music she's excited about, if her heart's a little bit broken or if she's lost something near and dear to her (her saxophone goes missing, one of her terrariums get broken, etc) and it's sad, but also kind of funny cmvnbvncb!

she's very inquisitive, especially about the daily routine in daegu. she desperately wants to know more about the lives her parents lived before they moved to america, and being that she's only been in south korea for two years, she isn't as in touch with things as she feels like she should be. stop her if she's asking too many questions — she just gets into a flow of seeking information and doesn't realize it sometimes!

a girl of many hobbies: gardening, camping, building terrariums, hitting up the thrift store, smoking on roofs, seeing performances at masquerade, noraebang, etc. and she loves doing these things with friends! partake in any of these activities with her, and you'll earn a special place in her heart and the slightest aura of a smile just for you.

sometimes she just??? disappears. sometimes her social energy simply runs out and she needs some time to recharge it. she's not trying to ghost, she promises! she just needs a couple days of mirror glaring and deep rumination before she's ready to have company again.

a wanted plot of mine (!!!!!!) but i also hc her as recently single with a lot of regretful and reluctant pining for her ex lol. she's in her slightly reckless era in an attempt to forget them, so pls forgive her for any messy moments 😘

[tobiasdrake]

As long as we have all this downtime, we might as well go visit old friends.

We used to eat bits of it together.

...that's not as gross as it sounds.

Right. That. Sorry, I don't words good when I'm grieving.

This is a sacred place to the villagers here. And now it's a sacred place for us too.

Zale and I made Moraine babysit our Flasky Boy while we attend to the business of pounding on TIA's door. We would have left the hollow puppet there too but he doesn't take orders; He just follows us around mechanically. It's eerie and I'm half-convinced Resh'an did that as a practical joke.

B'st doesn't get hit by things, so much as he is given the conscious suggestion that he should behave as though he was hit by a thing. Which he ignores.

I would too.

I think he should seek out Yoyo first, personally, since she's the one who delivered the prophecy of his creation. There may be more to that prophecy.

Are they....

Is Cael going to use Kickball to rip out the Immortal Children's souls and put them in robot bodies that can leave the castle?

Because that's an awesome idea and as long as they're doing it consensually, I'm 100% onboard with it!

I don't see Watchmaker around so they might not have told her. But. Like. Who gives a shit. She wants to be imprisoned here for eternity with nothing but her work keeping her company.

They're going to make a new body for Kickball too. Might need a new name to go with it.

Everything's better here in Mirth. The air's cleaner. Water doesn't taste like rot. Food doesn't come from a wall. Also, we have a functioning ecosystem. Gotta be honest, I'm not even sure what we're breathing in the other world since the plants are all dead and the climate regulator isn't regulating climate.

We might just be. Like. Ever-so-slowly using up a large but finite supply of breathable air distributed among the few remaining organic lifeforms on the planet. That's horrifying. I'm gonna stop thinking about that now.

OH OKAY THEY'RE GOING TO BECOME A HIVEMIND AMALGAM.

You know what? That's on me. I should have known better than to leave them unsupervised. They're children.

I've got the juice if we need to Moon Shiv it again.

FROGGY. ROBOT.

...

PINK froggy robot.

I'm sorry I can't pay attention to your big prepared speech because OH MY GOD YOU'RE ADORABLE.

Does that pink gem on your chest work like a mobile eclipse cannon or is that just there for aesthetic. I love it either way.

FROGGY

Okay fine, Artificer. Legal Team says we can't call you Froggy for trademark reasons, seeing as you're very obviously a composite of two distinctly identifiable characters. Gotta keep the branding as lawyer-friendly as possible.

No, I get it. I'm happy for you. For all of you. Please don't be offended when Serai and I aggressively destroy this machine with extreme prejudice. Your froggy body is fine but this thing isn't allowed to exist.

So that's a no on the eclipse cannon functionality. You should look into upgrading. The fatal flaw that defeated the cannon before was that it was stationary.

In any case, welcome aboard, Arty. It was nice to see home again, for what time we had here. Even if I may have made a small miscalculation in my plan for how to deal with TIA.

BUT THEN WHERE THE FUCK IS HE!?!?

I'LL START BURNING THINGS, I SWEAR

Fortunately, I kept a cool head and calmly, civilly allowed myself to be dragged from the room. And now our time here is done. We return to Serai's world, armed with the greatest technology the Clockwork Castle can build.

HAHAHAHA SEVEN GREEN GEMS ASSHOLE, kneel before my Gold Engineer!

[denimbex1986]

'Memories are often accompanied by a longing for what could’ve been. The act of remembering involves combining the reality of one’s past with the desires of one’s current ‌self. In Andrew Haigh’s newest film, All of Us Strangers, an adaption of the 1987 novel Strangers by Taichi Yamada, the coexistence of the past and present is explored in a quietly heartbreaking portrait of a lonely writer who is still grieving his dead parents. However, things begin to change as a mysterious stranger enters his life and begins to undermine his cycle of isolation.

Adam (Andrew Scott) is ‌a 45-year-old screenwriter living in a new but eerily empty apartment building in modern London. His solitary life is interrupted when he meets his only other neighbor, Harry (Paul Mescal), an enigmatic 28-year-old.

In a drunken stupor, Harry is introduced knocking on Adam’s door, longing not to be alone. He rambles to Adam, clearly just wanting to talk to someone. One of the first questions he asks Adam is “How do you cope?”, referring to the silence of the near-empty apartment building. He then elaborates that he has to play music to keep himself sane.

The idea of “how to cope” is central to the film. Adam has been trying to cope with his grief, his loneliness and his sexuality, but in response to Harry’s simple question about the absence of sound, he says nothing.

Despite Harry’s insistence that he’s only there to talk if Adam doesn’t want anything else from him, Adam rejects his invitation for a drink. Still lamenting the death of his parents, Adam has long been denying himself a connection with another person. As he’s reminiscing over old photographs and trinkets from his childhood, he’s compelled to take the train to his childhood home, where he finds his parents alive at the same age they were when they died over 30 years ago.

Overjoyed to see him, Adam and his parents have a sweet reunion. When he returns from the visit, he encounters Harry again. This time, Adam is the one who reaches out, and their relationship grows beyond the shut door that Adam had inflicted upon Harry’s initial offer.

While balancing his newfound relationship with Harry, Adam makes frequent visits to see his parents. During these trips, he’s able to express what he never got to say to them while they were still alive. He talks about his job, where he’s living and, in a more significant moment, comes out to his mother and father.

His parents are still products of their time, and in a similar vein to a typical coming-of-age narrative, Adam isn’t granted unwavering support. He has to convince his mother that “everything’s different now,” even as her ghost says that she wouldn’t know anything about that.

His mother makes a reference to the AIDS crisis that Adam lived through as a teen, and he insists that it isn’t a worry anymore. This is a remarkable juxtaposition with a conversation he has with Harry, where he admits that for the longest time, he lacked physical intimacy and a romantic life in general because he was scared that he might die if he did pursue anything. He notes that this must be difficult for Harry to imagine since he comes from a younger generation, and similarly, it must be difficult for Adam’s mother to imagine a world so different from the time when she was alive.

Still concerned, his mother remarks, “They say it’s a lonely life,” and Adam responds that people don’t actually say that anymore. She asks him if he is lonely, and he says that his loneliness isn’t because he’s gay — not mostly. It’s an important distinction to establish that Adam’s sexuality isn’t the cause of his loneliness, but that it’s also still a factor. In total, Adam’s solitude is a deeply layered issue.

With his father, Adam also confronts the constant sense of alienation that has been brewing inside of him since his childhood because of his father’s strict ideas of masculinity. While he was alive, his father had put pressure on Adam to conform. He also knew Adam was being bullied in school, but he never addressed the issue because he wanted Adam to change. Even after his death, Adam still subconsciously remembers the comments his father would make as a child, a sign he still hasn’t fully processed that trauma. Their scene of reconciliation is an overwhelmingly tender but bittersweet moment as his dad can’t change what he did, but Adam receives the apology and closure he never had.

The familial relationship between Adam and his parents is a driving force in the film, but the generational divide between Adam and Harry’s relationship is another interesting component because of its exploration of queer isolation. They both agree that while things have changed, it still doesn’t take much to feel outcasted from society in the same way that Adam had been as a teenager, especially with family. Even though Harry’s parents accept him, he acknowledges that he still exists on the edges of his own family, being held at a distance in comparison to his other siblings.

As Adam and Harry deal with their loneliness together, there is a subtle but unsettling bleakness that looms over the story. Adam’s parents are dead, so the moments he shares with them aren’t going to last forever.

The crux of the film comes from how much you buy into Adam’s struggles. Those who can relate to all aspects of his character — his grief, loneliness, estrangement and complicated relationship with his parents — will ‌experience an authentic, moving narrative. The film becomes much weaker when you fail to connect to its protagonist, even more so than in most stories since every aspect of the film ultimately serves to explore Adam’s character. This flaw makes All of Us Strangers a potential hit-or-miss, especially since it has a polarizing ending, but on a technical level, it’s astounding.

Andrew Scott does a spectacular job as the leading man. Known for his role as the charismatic but wounded priest in Fleabag, Scott brings the right amount of agency and perpetual yearning to a character ‌who is extremely closed off but still so full of desires for what could be. His performance is crushing, from every facial expression to voice fluctuation as he embodies a man so heavily weighed down.

As seen in Normal People, Paul Mescal is still a charming love interest. More notably, he possesses an uncanny ability to perfectly represent the character of a particularly lonely and vulnerable man, similar to his Oscar-nominated performance in Aftersun. Together, Scott and Mescal have inextricable chemistry, portraying their relationship on screen in a genuinely affecting way. Jamie Bell and Claire Foy as Adam’s parents also deliver monumental performances that make all the acting in this film an impressive treat to watch.

A small cast of four and a limited set, mainly consisting of Adam’s apartment and his childhood home, are all that director Andrew Haigh needed to create a successful film. Haigh knows the power of simplicity. His choice to make the film more subdued creates a docile atmosphere that invites the audience into an intimate viewing experience.

Although not grandiose, the cinematography is still incredible in its gorgeous color grading and ability to capture the intricate turmoil and longings that all of the actors bring to the screen. Mirror imagery and reflective shots are scattered throughout the film, representing how the heart of the story is in Adam’s reflections about himself and his relationships, or the lack thereof.

The film’s soundtrack is another noteworthy aspect. Playing Blur’s “Death of a Party” followed by “Always on My Mind” by the Pet Shop Boys could be considered emotional manipulation, but the scenes that are shown are sublimely compassionate. The film’s denouement being set to a song called “The Power of Love” may be too on the nose, but the ending is a candid testament to the universal healing force of love, even if the love is tragic and solitary in nature.

No amount of grief will ever bring someone back. Everything you never did and everything you wish you could have done may never be realized in any tangible way, but it still becomes a part of you. Similarly, the love Adam has for his parents remains, even if they’re no longer with him, and he has no way to be with them again. His relationship with Harry doesn’t necessarily save him from his parental grief, but Adam’s own ability to process his heartache does. Full of gentle melancholy, All of Us Strangers affirms that sometimes all we have left are ideas, memories and fragments of the people who are no longer in our lives — and that that’s enough to hold onto.'