#great questions i really hsd to think about them!!

[shoot-of-corruption]

Do better?! What's that supposed to mean? I can give you more difficult ones! I have to admit I need to take a sip on some of these, but I am courious what you feel about them :3

Ancient and/or historical buildings may be (partially) demolished in favor of peoples current urgent needs (say an ancient ruin makes place for a waterfiltering system the locals benefit from).

Magic is a term used for explaining concepts and things we humans do not understand or want to explain.

Coffins or other funerary works should be as cheap and simple as possible, for the person is dead and spending effort and time on the funeral is a waste of resources that could be spent on the living.

Pettyness, wrath and jealousy are worthless, you're better off removing yourself from the situation completely and finding something that brings you joy.

"It means that you could hit me better with the drinking." He smirked. "Let's see if those make me drink mote often then."

He poured himself another drink and sipped it. "Gotta drink on this. No. Actually history seems to be something worthwhile to humans and I am a firm believer of looking back at your roots to see how far you have come. I will say though that if you have to chose between a building and a crucial deed to keep your people alive, the history is not the most important thing."

Mariku halted and slowly nodded when they came to the next part. "Are we starting a philosophical discussion or an etymological one now?" He smirked. "Old Persian already includes the word 'magush', which then went through Greek, Latin and French. People always create names and labels for things they don't want to think about, but in and of itself magic means nothing else but 'being able to influence or predict events by using spiritual and or natural hidden forces' so... the art of using the 'supernatural'. In short, being different and, caution here, being STRONGER than the natural human being 'should be'. What else did you expect, really?"

He laughed lowly, refilled his glass and drank deeply. "I know what you are thinking... I come from a long line of tomb keepers and this has to look really riddiculous. But call me a sinner or not, I believe that we're all equal in death. You can think what you like about dying, but we all stop living and existing here. And what or if something happens after, is a complete gamble." He shrugged. "How stupid is the concept of being in an existence of a trial and error world, to be thrown in what will be your experience for the rest of your life... the thought alone is ABSURD.

So no. For me the body is unrelated and empty, once the occupant dies. The only resson you'd give it an oppulent burial is to soothe yourself, not the corpse in the rites."

He fiddled with the glass for a moment and then refilled it, to empty it once more.

"Simply can't agree with that. While it's a good coping mechanism, repression is ... not. Repressing feelings causes them to get worse and worse... the only way around that is either to act upon them, or crizically review and destroy them." He shrugged. "I'm the best example."

[bluenoo42]

How I do my job and accommodate my disabilities.

So, I have the best job in the world. I'm a fossil tour guide and basically walk around the beach with people talking incessantly about my special interest and they are actually interested and pay (extremely good) money for it. I'm living the dream guys!

As awesome as my job is, there are a few challenges due to my disabilities. Luckily, I have found ways to accommodate myself so both me and the customers all have a great time. I've decided to split this list up by disability rather than by different aspects of the job so if you have one of the disabilities that I mention you can just look at the bit that is relavent to you to see if any of the things that are helpful to me are helpful to you. If you have any other suggestions of different things to try, please put it in the comments!

Autism:

To be honest, the palaeontology field is full of autistic people so I really don't stand out. When people book a fossil tour, they expect the tour guide to be a little quirky, so I do have a bit of leeway for seeming socially awkward without too much judgement.

I don't really pick up the hint that someone isn't having fun any more, so when the weather is bad I make sure to tell people at the beginning of the tour "I know it's really (insert unpleasant weather situation here) today, so if at any time this stops being fun for you, we can always head back early, just please directly tell me 'I'm not having fun any more, can we go?' because I'm not great at picking up hints." If the family are from the UK, I sometimes make a joke about them not being my hostages, but I avoid this with foreign families because that kind of humour doesn't always land well with other cultures.

I have visual materials to help keep my talks on track and to better explain the points that I'm trying to make. I also keep my initial talk pretty similar every time so I don't have to think of the words off the top of my head every time.

I make sure I give clear factual answers to questions that give both the technical terms and a simplification to all age groups e.g."That is a fossil echinoid which is the scientific name for a sea urchin." This avoids having to guess the person's level of prior knowledge and avoids me being overly technical or coming across patronising.

I try to limit my work to around 3 hours per day to avoid getting overstimulated.

Deafness:

I always make sure to tell people about my deafness right at the start of the tour and tell them how to accommodate me. I try to make it lighthearted I'll say it like "Just so you know I'm Deaf which means I can't hear well. If I look like I'm ignoring you, I'm not, I just can't hear you. Please tap me or wave at me to get my attention and make sure to look at me when you're speaking so I can understand you." Some people just ignore the instructions, but at least then they know what they're supposed to be doing, and it normally works out okay.

I have a cochlear implant which helps me a lot, but is vulnerable to wet and windy weather. I use EarGear covers on my processor to block out the wind noise and to protect it from moisture. It works pretty well, but isn't perfect.

I probably would benefit from an interpreter, however my work schedule is pretty flexible and often there are last minute bookings, also there aren't many interpreters near where I live so it would be virtually impossible to find one, so I make do without and it seems to be working okay for me.

Balance and Mobility (HSD and balance disorder):

Luckily my hypermobility is pretty mild so I'm able to weight bear fully on both legs and climb stairs etc.

If I'm going to be walking/standing for over 1 hour, I use knee supports to help prevent knee pain. I use the ones that are thin and elasticated tubes (kind of like a sock) rather than the velcro ones because they look more sleek and I find them more comfortable, also I only need fairly light support. I recommend using the lightest support that is reasonable for you to avoid weakening your joints. If you're not sure, speak to a professional.

I use an ergonomic backpack with padded straps and try and keep my kit as light as possible. I always make sure to carry it over both shoulders to avoid an uneven load on my body. I used to just use any old backpack and cram it full of examples of every single fossil you could ever find. Don't do that. You're not on SAS who dares wins.

Trekking poles. (In my opinion) The most underrated mobility/balance aid out there. Does it make me look like I think I'm scaling Everest? Yes. Does that fact make me feel ridiculous? Yes. Am I very grateful for them when I lose my footing on a pebble bank? Also yes. Most of the time I use one pole just for balance so I can keep a hand free, but I do have two, just in case. It also allows me to point at things without bending down so much which helps with my vertigo issues. If you are considering whether you could benefit from a mobility aid for your balance, especially if you're often on uneven surfaces, I would urge you to try trekking poles. You can use two at a time for extra support, they're gentler on your wrists than a crutch or cane and they come with the option of rubber or metal tips depending on the surface you're on.

Here is my relatively comprehensive guide to how I do my awesome job. If you have any questions or you would like to suggest something that you've found helpful, please leave a comment.

[pbandjesse]

I continued to not feel well today but my energy was more normal. My mouth and throat hurt a ton but I was determined to have a nice day. And I did for the most part! Even if it was just raining so hard and was not snow. I'm very mad that it isnt snow.

I slept a little better. Having a bandaid in my lip was not comfortable but it is helping. I was able to sleep with just the one on but I would change it out like 5 times today. The air hurts it so I'm not comfortable without a bandaid but when it's on if it gets even a little wet it starts to curl and then I can't stop messing with it and once I get there I have to just take it off and start over. I'm trying really hard to leave it alone.

I snoozed my alarm and dozed for 10 extra minutes because I felt so bad. But I got up mostly because I was looking forward to my outfit today. One of my favorite dresses and my favorite sweatshirt. It helped me feel a little more positive towards the day.

James packed up my lunch because they are great. I got myself ready and headed out.

I left a few minutes later then planned but I still made it to camp before the rain started. Which really was all that mattered.

I started up in the art building. I had some stuff to drop off. I emptied the box of stuff I brought but I didn't put things away because it was just to cold. I might try again later but for now it's just a pile of nonsense on the picnic table.

I went back to the office to have my leftovers for breakfast. I was in a pretty good mood despite not feeling amazing.

I had some stuff to do today. I had three screens going at once. I wanted to get the flash sheets drawn up for James and finish mine. Jess wanted to share them with the tattoo artist we are going to. So that was something to focus on for a while.

I also had some sorting of emails for Alexi. I got that done pretty quickly and sent that off. Once everyone else was in the office it was pouring out. And it would continue to get worse throughout the day. All the schools in the area decided to close at noon. So Alexi decided in an abundance of caution, to close the office early too.

We decided we would leave at 2. So I had a few hours to do stuff. I would wander over to the lodge at one point. I was surprised how heavy the rain drops were and how muddy the ground was. I really really wished it was snow.

When I got back to the office from my walk I hsd emails! From the mortgage people! It was time to do some pre closing documents. Explanations and breakdowns about escrow and what we will owe and all the little ins and outs of everything. And I'm trying to not be blasé about homeownership but also. I think we will be great at it. I find it very annoying when articles are like if you aren't a renter you are going to have to take care of all the maintenance! And I'm like. We already do that?? And like I love Tina and Will but 80% of the time I am the one fixing things. Or dealing with the repair people. We haven't had an oven for almost 3 weeks! The backdoor leaks air like crazy. Two of our windows are broken! I am smart and handy and we are going to work hard to save money to have for repairs and be thoughtful about everything we do. I think this is going to be really good for us in a lot of different ways. Even if some stuff goes wrong, I think we will handle it well. I am sure I sound a little naive but also, I have done a ton of research and planning and I am prepared for things to go wrong so that means it won't catch me off guard. I am prepared for good and bad!

I texted James about what we needed to sign and we both got that done very quick. And it feels really real now and it's just very cool.

Alexi would give me a task! I was to create a Google form with camp accreditation questions so that the answering of them can be done collaboratively. It was nice to have something to do and it honestly didn't take to long.

And once it was done I was able to read for a while. I got a new book about the endemic yellow fever of 1793 in Philadelphia. It's very enjoyable so far but also very sad. It's for sure in the same vein as my dear america books but not in journal form. I read that for a while. Chatted with Elizabeth and Sarah. And soon Alexi and Heather were going to have a meeting and we all decided it was time for us to go home.

It was raining very very hard and I am glad I left when I did because it only got worse. Elizabeth teased me for leaving 3 minutes before 2 when I had said I didn't want to be the first to leave. But it would get very bad very quick. I wanted to be off the highway and I wanted to be home. It was scary. The wind was pushing my car around and I desperately wanted to be away from any trucks because they were getting blown about too. It was terrible. I did my best to stay away from other cars because there was so much rain off the back of other cars it was making it hard to see.

As I was getting off the highway I got a missed call and then immediately they called back so I guessed this was a real call. So once I was home and inside and not rained on I called it back. It was the police department. And they were like who are you calling? I'm like they didn't leave a voicemail but I have a case number? And they were able to transfer me but for some reason they were just very snippy. I finally got a detective and he wants me to come in on Thursday. I have never been in a police department before. Scary. He asked could I come in the afternoon and I said yes. 3? And he was like later. Okay how about 4? No. Then he goes how about 6? And I'm like yes that's fine but thinking that is absolutely not the afternoon. That is the evening. But it's fine. I'll go and tell them what I saw and try my best to help. Even if it makes me very nervous. Being in a police station is not my idea of a good time!

When I got off the phone me and James laughed about the call and they told me about their day. They did a lot of packing and took all the art off their office walls and it made me so sad! Blank walls make me feel so sad. But it has to happen so we can move to our new place. Which means I will have to do it in the other rooms. So upsetting. But it is for the best. Because we will have a whole new place to decorate!

We would get in bed and read together. Eventually moving to watching TikToks together. James made me a little frozen microwave pizza for dinner. And we have just had a soft night.

I took a bath. And washed my hair. And we have been listening to the rain and watching videos. I feel a little wheezy but I'm in a better head space. And I think I'm going to go play with some of my jewelery and get ready for tomorrow. I hope it's a good day at work. And I hope you all have a really nice night. Sleep well everyone. Take care of yourselves.

[llollypopy]

Somnium sidereum

You can read this on AO3 here

Summary: Jungkook thought his ship was going to sail successfully in the new, unfamiliar waters but instead he sank. He sank so deep that he thought he was hopeless, he kept choking on the dirty water until one day, right when he was going to give up the battle in the middle of Paris, one angel of a man saves him. In all shapes and forms of the word. Or:

Nurse and artist Jungkook lives in Paris, has suicidal thoughts and dangerous sweetheart Taehyung stops him before he could take his own life then disappears only for them to meet again in Korea and to completely fall for eachother and save eachother.

Ships: Jeon Jungkook and Kim Taehyung | V, Jung Hoseok | J-Hope and Min Yoongi | Suga

Tags: Suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, Top Kim Taehyung | V, bottom Jeon Jungkook, Français | French, French Characters, Jungkook speaks French, a little bit of Sope, Doctor Jeon Jungkook, Artist Jeon Jungkook, Tattoo Artist Kim Taehyung | V, Jeon Jungkook & Min Yoongi | Suga are best friends, Jeon Jungkook and Park Jimin are best friends

Notes:

Hi! This is a little longer work of mine, it's not finished so there will be few chapters following.

Feel free to like it and leave a comment, and enjoy!

There are translations in the end but it's written so you can understand the French sentences from the context.

\\

The annoying sound of the alarm from his bedside table woke him up once again.

7:30am

The same cycle that repeated every day was going to make another turn today too, and Jungkook wasn't feeling like waking up. Wobbly feet touched the cold floor and he looked around. The bright blue sky with few gentle, cotton-like cloulds drifting aimlessly, the soft and warm rays from the sun and the light, chilly breeze that was coming trough the open windows Jungkook forgot to close once again didn't stand a chance against the darkness within the boy. His entire body was sore and exhausted despite the good eight hours of sleep because he overworked his body once again. He had a habit of working out until he felt like passing out, hoping the physical muscule pain was going to surpass the pain that was gnawing at his heart and the better looking body was going to make him feel good for once. But it didn't work. Not even once.

He got up once he assumed his knees were strong enough, he stretched his arms and his eyes landed on the wall oposite of him.

"Loner" it said in black, cursive letters he wrote with black acrylic paint almost two years ago when he moved in the small appartment in a peaceful part of Paris.

Around the cursive written word there were numerous of pictures and polaroids stuck on the wall, all of them held so many sweet memories, moments Jungkook cherished so much and which brought pain and nostalgia to his heart each time he landed eyes on them. All of the pictures had the same people in them, people Jungkook grew up with, people Jungkook missed from the depths of his soul. On some pictures the people were around 12, on others they were in their teens and on some they looked far more grown up, in their twenties. One particular picture, which was right below the word "loner" on the wall, had all of the people in it. They were grown up but still had that lively, childlike shine in their eyes, except one person. Jungkook. He was wearing comfortable clothes, huge backpack and his luggage was right by his side. He was in the centre of the picture, smiling but everyone could see through that smile, he wasn't happy on that picture, he looked confused, lost. The others weren't happy as well, some of them were even teared up but they were genuinely smiling because they wished Jungkook the best.

That picture was taken the day Jungkook left South Korea in search for a new life, for a new career, for something great, but the truth was he was searching for himself. The people on his left and right were his best friends, the closest thing to family he had and they were saying goodbye to him, wishing him all the luck in the new waters he was about to dive in.

But Jungkook found none of that luck and happiness in France, where he had moved and lived almost two years now. Instead he longed for those people, he wished he could see them once again, wondered what they were doing, how they've been, wondered if they were the same. Those questions weren't satisfied by the short, occasional phonecalls or texting sessions he had with them from time to time. He missed them.

You could say Jungkook loved pain. That's why he chose that certain word to be the root of all of those pictures glued around it. He wanted to remind himself that he was a loner indeed because he had left those people behind, he practically lost them because in Jungkook's mind he was sure they were doing better off without him, even maybe forgot him, and he had failed to build a new life in France meet new people and upgrade himself. He had failed. He failed and lost everything and all he had now was his boring job as a nurse, dozens of canvases and paint bottles across his appartment, his tons of books that waited to be studied because he was enrolled in the Paris Faculty of Medicine and himself. Not a single friend, not a single soul to worry for him, to wait for him to get home late at night, to ask him how his day had been, to ask him what was wrong when he was sad. And he didn't count on his past friends for that, it always hurted thinking of them.

This day he stared at the wall way longer than he usually would. That was because last night he decided to go to one of the most famous clubs in Paris on the initiative of his colleague and Jungkook saw a spark of hope in that invitation, maybe a new friendship, maybe he was going to meet someone there, have some fun, take someone home, feel something, like in the movies, but he ended up going home early because he was too disappointed in everything, in himself, and had the longest crying session in his life last night, followed by insane workout that lasted until 3 hours past midnight.

"I really don't belong anywhere" Jungkook mumbled, quietly enough so the soft breeze could wash the words away but loud enough to hear himself. And that was the thought that was etched in his mind ever since last night. He had never been so lost. As he stared at the pictures, recognizing the moments those were taken at, he was becoming more and more sure that he actually belonged with his friends back in Korea, that they were the ones that would accept him and love him unconditionally even if he didn't have that opinion back then. Back then he thought they were tired of him. But he couldn't brush off the thought that maybe if he went back now they would laugh at him for failing at everything, for being the biggest loser ever, for not being capable to make a single friend in two years time, he couldn't stop thinking that maybe he wasn't going to be able to fit in his old group of friends. He hsd mixed feelings. Maybe, maybe he really didn't belong anywhere. Maybe it wasn't meant for him to be loved, to have someone by his side, to be able to face what life threw at his face.

"Stop being so pathetic" he scolded himself and he turned his back to the wall, walking across the livingroom and to the small bathroom. He indeed was pathetic.

One photo, with him and all his friends sitting on their bench in the school yard, stayed in his mind from how long he had been staring at it just now, and he smiled subconsciously, going back to his high school days.

Flashback

"Jungkook!" Jungkook heard his name being called as he walked through the glass door of their high school. It was their third year in that school and Jungkook's first, he moved schools after he finished second year, the main reason being that all of his friends were in his present high school. Now he was able to see them every single day and seventeen year old Jungkook was the happiest.

"Hey Yoon, sorry I'm lat-"

"Spare me from your excuses, Kook, we got used to you being late every single day"

Jungkook chuckled at the comment Yoongi, his best friend, made and just followed him to the inner school yard, this school was the only one to have it and it was a really nice place, the walls of the school facility that surrounded the yard from all four sides were covered with legally student-made graffiti there were nicely organised benches along with green surfaces.

"I really can't hear Jimin brag about his maths exam now" Jungkook sighed as they walked to one particular bench, a really long one, blue, that had '3JHYN' engraved with a key on their first day of third year in highschool. Jungkook, Jimin, Jin, Hoseok, Yoongi, Namjoon.

Jungkook was too busy talking with Jimin about their after school art class to notice Hoseok had arrived and now they were complete. Said boy back hugged Yoongi and he giggled, turning around to kiss Hoseok the moment Jungkook looked at them. He smiled lightly but no matter how much he tried to be happy about them two, there was something inside him that was eating that happiness. He was so used to the enormous attention he got from his best friend Yoongi, they had known eachother for 13 years and now suddenly someone else was receiving all of that.

"Anyways, Jimin, I think the professor said class starts at 2pm. So we got, what, one spare hour?" He said and Jimin nodded. "We should use it wisely" Jimin joked, seductively moving his eyebrows up and down which made him and Jungkook laugh. Jimin was always, in the full meaning of the word always, doing dirty jokes like that. Just like Hoseok. Jungkook was simply awestruck when he figured out how soft and gentle and easily hurt Jimin was, little by little he could notice what a big heart the boy had and how careful he was towards the others even if his behaviour left a first impression of a jokester and a cocky guy.

"No I'm pretty sure Yoongi took the CD with 'San Andreas'" Jungkook overheard Jin say and Jimin rolled his eyes.

"Why do you care about GTA? That game is as old as dinosaurs" Jungkook said and Namjoon laughed.

"Really, Jin, Yoongi can keep it" Namjoon added.

"It's not that I care but I want Yoongi to give it back to me, I'll give him another game, i want my GTA back" Jin sighed dramatically, as if he was hurt to the bone. Jungkook couldn't really muster why they included Yoongi in this or what was going on with the CD with the game but he shrugged it off.

"Next time we do that I might give you Counter Strike, Yoongi, that way your old game collection will be complete" Jimin said and everyone broke down laughing while Yoongi and Hoseok paid no attention, they were in their own world.

"Wait, do what?" Jungkook finally asked, sensing that there was something he had missed in the conversation.

"Next time we gather- wait.. why didn't you come?" Jin said and Jungkook felt that familiar burning sensation in his stomach so he took out his pack of cigarettes and lit up one, taking a drag.

"I don't get it"

"We gathered at Yoongi's and we all brought some games, well it was something like Secret Santa since it's almost Christmas, just it wasn't secret" jin explained and Jimin wheezed, he was a mess when it came to explanations.

"We just gave eachother games we think the other would like" namjoon added. "Why didn't you come?" Jungkook heard the question again and he felt a lump form in his throat so he inhaled again from his cigarette. "No one called me" he said, gritting his teeth because his voice broke. "Oh, Yoongi didn't? We told him to call you" Jimin said, having an apologetic expression.

"Yoongi" namjoon called him and he turned around but Hoseok kissed his neck before he could speak and made him giggle.

"Hey Yoonie" Jungkook called him now and Yoongi didn't pay him any attention, too busy fighting Hoseok's tickles.

That took a toll on Jungkook's feelings, it hurted, and after he finished his cigarette he stepped on it, disappointed it didn't fix his hurt feelings, while looking at his friends. "I'll go now, gotta revise" he said but before he could go Hoseok stepped in his way. "Just a second, Kook, let's take a picture, we want you to be in it too" he said with his bright voice ans happy smile and Jungkook just smiled, nodding.

Present

That's where that picture was from on Jungkook's wall. He could still feel the slight hurt he felt when his own best friend forgot to invite him.

That was one of the turning points of Jungkook's life.

It was as if he was blind to so many things that were right in front of his eyes. Everyone told him Yoongi thought of Jungkook as his number one, as his best buddy and his home, if home could be a person, but Jungkook wasn't feeling it, he wasn't seeing it, and so he got off those waters only to dive in new, dangerous ones. And find absolutely nothing.

Shanking his head as if he had something in his hair or as if he was trying to avoid something around his head he shook off the thoughts, the happily painful memories that one by one started to come round in his mind. He washed up, brushed his teeth with his bamboo toothbrush he bought the other day, "at least I'm useful for saving the planet" was his thought while he was paying for the article, he tried to fix his messy, slightly long hair that recently was beginning to get really wavy and frizzy.

All done he was after he put a pair of black pants, oversized jumper which covered all of his arm and chest tattoos he had and took his leather backpack. He was ready to go to work at the hospital that was about twenty minutes away from his appartment so he needn't use the car he didn't even own or a bike. He loved to walk there.

"Bonjour"¹ Jungkook smiled at the old lady in the bakery right around the corner, a sweet, greeting smile that, if you looked hard enough, screamed for a little bit of extra love and attention.

"Bonjour, mon chéri, qu'aime-tu aujourd'hui?"² The lady asked him, even though she knew his usual order, they grew close enough that she felt free to drop the honorifics.

"Deux croissants et thé vert, s'il te plaît"��

Jungkook responded, he didn't want to call himself a basic person but he loved croissants and he hated green tea but it made him feel better after drinking it.

After he gave the usual six euros to the lady and waved at her goodbye he pushed the paper bag in his black leather backpack and carried on walking down the already busy street. It was winter but gladly there was no snow, Jungkook hated it. But he loved the way he felt hot after walking for a while and the chilly wind bit at his cheeks, nose and lips, making him pull his woolen scarf up to his nose and snuggle in it. Maybe his brain detected the soft material for a person, for someone who can possibly give Jungkook a little bit of love and warmth, but it was only an object.

His doe-like round eyes, resembling almonds, scanned the streets, the cozy cafes, greyish and yellowish colours dominating the city, painting it with beautiful shades for his eyes to admire. He noticed the bare trees, leafless, they looked lonely, just like him. He really wanted to paint them, he wanted to paint the view of the city like this, in these colours and have it in memory forever. And Jungkook couldn't help but imagine what would it feel like to walk here with his significant other, with a person he loves deeply and a person who loves him too, it ripped his heart knowing he had never really felt true love, he had never loved somebody for who they were, for how happy they made Jungkook, for their smile or eyes. Love was unfamiliar for him. And that hurted.

"Bonjour!" The secretary greeted him once he walked through the glass doors that swung back and forth in the hospital and Jungkook was getting tired of all the bonjours. Nevertheless, he greeted her back, making effort in smiling back at her while examining her long, blonde hair, she was a brunette yesterday which meant a new hairstyle but he had no intention in bringing it up, he wasn't as close with his coworkers.

"Je vous informe que nous travailerons jusqu'à 3 heures aujourd'hui, monsieur"⁴ she added and Jungkook only nodded as if he wasn't surprised that the work time had been shortened drastically, probably because of the upcoming holidays. He didn't care about the holidays, he was going to work until 3pm and that was fascinating news.

He headed to the main nurse room which was on the first floor and after closing the dark wooden door behind him he took out his uniform from his backpack which he had taken home to wash because he had spilled coffee all over it the other day. Before he dressed up for work he sat down on one of the chairs, took out his breakfast that was still hot and started eating quickly, his shift was starting in 10 minutes. He could see tired faces preparing to go home from the night shift, dark bags under their exhausted eyes but they still managed to function and even have solid conversations with eachother.

Everyone who passed by Jungkook, greeted him. It wasn't like his colleagues didn't like him, no, they actually adored him because sometimes, very rare and precious times, Jungkook let loose, he would drop a joke here and there and let the people have a glimpse of his real self before he was back to his usual lifeless representation of Jeon Jungkook. And that was one of the reason why everyone respected him, the other being his crazy nursing skills and knowledge. How did an artist get into nursery and was studyingto become a doctor? That was an interesting topic but not for Jungkook. His parents, being doctors, both of them, wanted Jungkook to respectively become one too and continue the family chain of doctors. Jungkook didn't want to be a doctor. Not because he hated the medical studies, he had to admit to himself, the whole science about the human body fascinated him and he wanted to know a lot about it but he wanted to be an artist. To paint and sell paintings or to be a grafic designer for a famous company, or make posters for movies, or make logos for brands, anything that involved creativity and art, his two strong sides he always relied on. And Jungkook was willing to go against his parents' will, he did argue a lot with them, there were days where he would scream at them on top of his lungs how he didn't want to be a doctor. Such day was the day he saw his mother and father for the last time. They were going to work in the evening, for their night shift, with Jungkook shouting how he didn't want to be what they whated him to be, he wanted to follow his own dream and his own path and not study medicine. He was telling them they were the worst parents and so on.

That night they had a car crash and Jungkook wanted to end it all when he got the devastating news. He had never ever in his life felt worse. He felt like trash, like an ungrateful, useless idiot that got his parents killed because he couldn't cotrol his emotions, thoughts and teenage hormones. He still remembered that morning when his phone rang and an unfamiliar voice from the other side told him his parents had passed away. He could still feel the pain, like something burned right trough his heart, like a little part of him was ripped away. That sunny morning, the darkest one for him, he had promised himself to follow his parents' path, to make them the proudest, to become the best doctor ever, in their honour, to save lives because he apparently couldn't save his parents and no matter what the guilt stuck with him forever.

2:50pm

Jungkook put on his disposable medical gloves, feeling the uncomfortable pouder within the gloves and on his hands but he had gotten used to it, and smiled at his last patient while he took a piece of cotton, dipped it in the disinfection alcohol in a dark brown, glass bottle and cleaned the inside elbow area of the patient's pale arm. She looked sick and tired but also uneasy, so Jungkook, as by protocol, asked her

"Avez-vous peur des aiguilles, mademoiselle?"⁵

Most of the patients did fear needles so when she shook her head no Jungkook decided against asking any further questions, he never wanted to barge in his patients' private lives.

"Bien"⁶ he smiled at her, he always tried to be as friendly as possible with his patients, and after unpacking the sterile needle and syringe he searched for an adequate vein under her soft skin before he prodded trough it and watched the syringe fill with red liquid. He could tell her health wasn't in the best state because her blood looked more like pinkish water but he was going to let the lab workers figure that out.

"C'est ça"⁷ he said after he took out the needle and instantly pressed on the area with the same cotton pad. He transferred the blood in a test tube, and removed his gloves.

That was really it, he was done for the day. But instead of feeling happiness and content that he was finally going to go home and relax he felt uneasy, because he knew more feeling empty hours were ahead of him in the lonely place he called his home, more staring at the photos on the wall, more self hatred, more crying. He would rather stay at work.

Today's sky was the most beautiful thing Jungkook had ever seen. It was twilight, thanks to the weird winter time schedule Jungkook barely ever understood, it was complete darkness by four in the afternoon and now it was three, and the sky was pink and orange and yellow and a little bit of blue, soft, cotton clouds bathing in those vivid colours. It seemed like nature paid the most talented painter to do the sky so pretty. Maybe it was Jungkook, he loved painting skies, sunsets and sunrises, he always seeked motivation in nature's pretty works amd this one was a must-do.

He was walking on the bridge now, that connected both lands on each side of Seine, while his round, mesmerised eyes still stared up at the sky. When he was halfway across he bridge he realised that the sun was setting right where Seine was flowing to, making the quick and unsteady waters of the river reflect the sky, painting the most breathtaking view in Jungkook's life.

It was slowly getting darker, the colours were starting to fade and turn to more purplish tones and Jungkook halted right in the middle of thebridge, walked to the edge just to stare into that colourful abyss. It was hypnotising, mysterious, now that some stars were visible and the sky was an angry pink, orange and purple colour, along with the river. It felt, just for a moment as if Jungkook was in another galaxy, in another world, and he imagined, if that was possible, would he be happy there? Would things be better? Would everything in his life fall back in place and most importantly, would Jungkook feel happy, full, and not lonely?

He couldn't imagine such world, feeling loved and happy had become unfamiliar to him and the thought of that angered him.

As if the burning sky set fire in his soul, Jungkook felt it burn, he felt all of the empty emotions nibble his heart and fill his eyes that were also reflecting the gorgeous sky. Just like the river did. He looked down at it, the waters looked pretty, free, flowing forth and carrying all that beauty from the sky. He wondered, if he would dive into Seine, would his wounds heal? Maybe the beauty of the water filling his lungs would fix things. He was so desperate for something, anything that would drag him out of his pathetic state right now, something that would make him feel, something that would make him feel loved and appreciated.

Or someone.

He hadn't noticed when he had started crying, it was soundless, just crystal clear tears rolling down his red cheeks and they reflected the sky too.

He hadn't noticed then he was standing on the very edge of the bridge, on the other side of the barricade.

But little by little, day by day, he had noticed how things were getting worse, his emptiness was growing rapidly, uncontrollably and there was no one to tame it or to kill it. He was craving for a warm hug, for a sweet smile and few gentle words that would make his heart beat faster and would make his cheeks blush, he wanted to feel the love and kill the loneliness but he was failing horribly. So instead, he decided to at least see his parents once again, to remove a parasite from this world and make it easier for him and the world.

"Non! Qu'est-ce que tu fais?!"⁸ He heard a voice, a deep and raspy one but honey-like, was it calling for Jungkook?

Translations:

¹ "hello!"

² "hello, sweetheart, what would you like today?"

³ "two croissants and green tea, please"

⁴ "I inform you that we will work until 3 o'clock today, sir"

⁵ "do you have a fear of needles, miss?"

⁶ "alright" / "good"

⁷ "that's it"

⁸ "no! What are you doing?!"

[kopiya]

Why I Love Helena

// Thanks to archiving my old blog on Wordpress, I now have one of my favorite and super personal ooc posts that I’ve wrutten. It got deleted when I deleted this blog earlier, but now I have it back. YAY!

So this gets really personal and long, so its going under a read more. Basically, its me infodumping about my love for a Ukrainian serial killer.

Thanks to some questionaires I’ve been tagged in recently, I started thinking about why I relate to Helena so much, more than other fictional characters I’ve related to in the past. The short, tl; dr answer is, to quote Sarah, I look at Helena, and I see me–the me I could’ve been, had I been in her shoes. Let me explain.

I am a very religious person, I always have been. I am also very literal, and very exacting. My parents are wonderful, and are so much more mellow than I am, so I’m not sure where this all came from, but here we are. By literal and exacting, I mean I told my mom, after I’d asked her a question during churvh, that women weren’t supposed to talk in church–I’d just remembered that (my church doesn’t have women preachers, if you’re curious I’ll explain), and I didn’t want my mom or I to do anything wrong. I was five.

I didn’t eat desert because I thought eating if you were full, and making yourself feel ick, was gluttony. I got a better understsnding of what that actually is when I finally told my dad my understsnding of it, and now I know differently.

I had a similiar issue with equating outbursts of wrath to childish temper tantrums. In fairness, both examples started out as my dad trying to explsin concepts snd answer questions in away I could understand. He didn’t intend for me to take them to the extremes I did.

There are more examples of this, but those are the main ones. I didn’t think to tell anybody about my admittedly puritanical viewpoints, and I’m not sure if I assumed everyone else thought like me, or–more probably–that it was their job to figure this stuff out, and their own fault if they didn’t.

Besides being literal to the extreme, I worried a looooooooot. About everything, but mostly accidentally doing something wrong and not knowing it was wrong before I did it. I didn’t understand humor or sarcasm for a long time, and so I tended to just laugh becsuse everyone rlse was, so I worried a lot about laughing at something without really getting it, only to figure out later that it was mean, or an inuendo or something. This never actually happened to me, but I worried about it happening.

i tended to take personal responsibility to the extreme, so I thought if you misunderstood something, or accidentally did something wrong, then it was your fault, and not knowing wasn’t an excuse. My parents never said this, so I’m not sure where I got it from, though I have a few ideas–I grew up hearing some pretty old school fire & brimstone sermons, and I think no one at the time realized how literally I was taking certain Bible passages that do teach you need to make sure you’re doing the right thing, and do teach that there’s consequences for doing wrong even if its done in ignorance. 

The problem wasn’t with the verses, but rather it was that I was applying them indiscriminately, without regwrd to context–i.e. I tended to feel that misunderstanding a social situation and doing something weird or off was wrong in the same sense committing an actual sin was wrong–I think, I know I thought it was wrong and that was bad, and I’m assuming wrong bad and sin were basically synonyms but its been too long for me to say for sure . I also tended to ignore the fact that or the fact that I was a kid who was still figuring things out.

Besides the fact that I was basically a younger genderbent Inspector Javert for most of my childhood, I was and am hugely introverted. I much preferred games of pretend to having conversations, and preferred animals to people. When I was about ten or so, I started to feel much younger than my peers, emotionally and developmentally, and that feeling’s gotten stronger over the years. I’m not interested in the things most people my age are, minus my history studies, and okay, fandoms, but the interpersonal relationships part, the desire for a spouse and children–no. Just, no. As a teenager, I’d take my stories and toys over chatting about boys and buying clothes any day. Prior to age ten, I just thought most children my age were dumb, lacking in imagination, and needlessly prejudiced–i.e. So and so has cooties so don’t play with them. Really??? I was a weird kid.

I don’t self harm, and my church doesn’t practice penance as a sacrament–though repenting is certainly necessary for forgiveness–but, the notion behind penance, the idea of msking atonement, appeals to me and I think, especially as a kid, when I had trouble understanding things like grace and forgiveness, I would have been quite attached to the idea of following a set formula, proving your repentence, and having that assurance that I was forgiven. I get thet penance doesn’t work like thwt, that if you’re not contrite all the prnances in the eorld aren’t gonna do anything, but I would’ve seen it as a formula as a kid, and that would’ve certainly been part of the appeal.

I can, to be perfectly honest, also understand a need to punish yourself to relieve feelings of guilt. I’ve never done that, but I used to struggle with a lot of guilt feelings and my solution was, luckily, to talk to my folks about it–especially when I was dealing with intrusive thoughts, which I struggled with from ages 8 to 18 or so, before they got better. There’s a verse in the book of James about confessing your faults, and so I applied that to my situation, and for once my overgeneralization actually paid off.

Imposing a punishment on myself never occured to me, but had it, or had it been suggested, I probably would have done it. I hope this isn’t offensive to anyone who has issues with self harm, snd I apologize if I said something wrong here. I’m still not great at figuring out what’s appropriate to say and what isn’t, as honesty above tact is ususlly how I operate, and while I can be very thin skinned, I can also tell people how it is without much sugar coating. If I’m saying it, I know I’m not upset. If someone else says it, I assume they are, because I have a bad habit of thinking I’ve upset people when I haven’t–probably because its hard for me to remember that I’m not the only thing influencing people.

I don’t mean thst in an arrogant way, rather, I mean it like this–if I greet someone and they sound snappy, I assume I’ve interrupted them or upset thrm, especially if I haven’t seen them that day prior to that incounter, so I don’t stop and think about other interactions with other people, or other possibilities, instead I assume I’m the cause. I don’t know why this is but it’s annoying.

As for my honesty without tact, you can blame the enormous amount of guilt I felt over a fib I told when I was three.

I want to stress that I’m not blaming my folks, or my church, and certainly not the Bible, for any of this. Once my folks knew what was going on, they helped and continue to help. My church iis great, and they emphasize grace and mercy and forgiveness. Obviously, there are plenty of Bible verses that do the same thing, and had it occurred to me to say something sooner, my misconceptions would’ve been mended sooner. My dad wasn’t really aware of the extent of it, as mentioning it didn’t occur to me.

My mom, somewhat, knew I worried and was rigid, but couldn’t figure out why–though she told me the other day it did seem like I was always worried about doing something weird or wrong–so she did what she could to reassure me when I asked, without realizing why I had my issues. We still don’t know, I’m about to get results back from an assessment that will hopefully shed light on some of that.

I used to asdume anything wtong was also somehow sinful, and by wrong I mean things like worrying my folks over how little I ate, or zoning out in the middle of a conversation, or unintentionally saying something that hurt someone. I was born very premwture and have hsd trouble eating enough my whole life, and my folks worried about it–prior to hitting puberty, my apetite was largely nonexistsnt snd sporadic at the best of times. I think I misinterpreted their wnxiety as them being upset with me, and that got translated in my head as I’ve done something wrong. I can’t, currently, recall if that meant I thought I’d sinned, but I think it did, given how badly I felt at the seriousness with which I viewed doing wrong things. While I have no idea if Helena is like this, I could see her lumping things into right snd wrong, and assuming wrongness equals sin.

This got really long and I’m sorry. Basically, I love Helena because I understand her. She reminds me of St. Joan–who I also relate to, for basically the above reasons. Apparently, I have a thing for zealots. I should also add that I am loads better, and–usually–don’t worry about things like I used to.