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plutoswrath · 4 years ago

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☾ They way we are wired: the IC/Moon/4th house and your emotional patterns and responses ☽

Aries IC/Moon/4th: Home was an area of proof. Proof the self and prove the others, similar to Scorpio IC/Moon/4th, the marsian nature of this placement triggers a survival mode and creates someone who’s first instinct is to react and challenge their opponent. Home could have also been a battle ground of some sort and the individual might have realised that the only way to overcome this force of aggression is to rely on the self or find people to align to. Naturally this can give someone tendencies to retreat and chose the themself, but not in the intention to harm, but because the survival mode is triggered. They might have learned to follow their impulses, because the quicker they react, the faster they have the upper hand of a situation, and while this method does saves time and trouble, this could have easily lead to worsening their situation, and thus they can also fall back into a lesser known method: strategically planing their (loved ones/goals/desires) survival. As they know no other than bravely facing the world, their open nature can become inviting for people that want to try them, though out of experience, they will not take their enthusiastic nature for granted. Likewise these people are power houses that can have the tendency to forcefully and sometimes without consideration push those aside that limitat them.

Taurus IC/Moon/4th: Usually, these people have been raised with a sense of satisfaction, stability was a priority for the parents, so the child seeks the same comfort and worries for the future can motivate them deeply to take action. Tough the satisfaction doesn’t have to include emotional fulfullment always, as the parents made their values and priorities very clear. Likewise this individual will walk through the world with (at best) set priorities and will actively try to meet their own standard. Anything that threatens to make this tower collapse will force them to react, and depending on their inner security and self-worth/esteem they can react quiet drastic and dramatic even, as this is the time when the bull will fall into it’s tantrum. This can also lead into destructive and forceful ways to either withold, keep or get what brings them pleasure or eases their mind. If they feel that there’s something lacking in their life, they usually practically and persistently work towards it and at best aren’t easily shaken, but there is a great sensibility inside of them, that can cloud their mind equally with fear and the realization of what is and isn’t healthy for them (emotionally and physically) could only come after a peroid of walking through the mudd for far too long.

Gemini IC/Moon/4th: This persons ubringing was most likely unstable and inconsistent, which is most likely reflected by the behaviour of one of their parental figures (or both). Likewise, they had to allow, as well as endure, uncertainty in their childhood. Thus, they are flexible and adaptive and thus can appear as very affable but there is a lack of perspective and continuity in their life that can cause them to lose track which results in them having to reorient themself (which they can find much pleasure in at times). This can be traced back to their parents, as either both parents reflected the other so much, that they could have formed to seemingly one individual (this can also hint to a single parent having to take on ‘two roles’). If the native has siblings, this reflecting of one another can also happen between them, thus the individual automatically sets themself apart from the rest in their mind. As the child grows up, it might realise that it could lack perspective and purpose and emotions that help them connect the dots, to now the person could fall back into rationalizing everything in order to make sense out of it. There is strong need to communicate to release tension, they listen to all because they try to at least understand all. While this can help building a distance to overwhelming emotions and situations, the problem also lies exactly in the inability to allow the self to become closer to those bigger concepts and grande emotions which leave them dissatisfied or even more confused.

Cancer IC/Moon/4th: These people always come back to their roots: Usually, they handle from experience and knowledge that is passed over, when the IC/Moon/4th house is in cancer, the individual will find themself in a very strong and empathized conenction with their family - doesn’t matter if it’s more on the positive or negative side. Here the individual will find themself having to care for (generational) family matters and thus can connect well to the emotions and affairs to others, but often times neglect themself. With a bond so deep, they (surprisingly for some) can come off and become pretty detached, as they at one point can be easily overwhelmed with the emotional bagagge and responsibility they carry. They either detach and seek to break the conenction with whatever bothers them, or they embrace the situation and ‘clean up’ the mess. These individuals will find themself too much inclined with other peoples emotions and/or problems, and usually will grow to become independent (financially and emotionally) in order to adapt a more objective perspective. These people can be incredibly enduring and persistent in their approaches to others/situations and they allow time to speak, though, they sometimes should know when to let go and build distance for their own good.

Leo IC/Moon/4th: Home could have literally functioned like a pack, it doesn’t matter if the person has siblings or not, even though home was a place for experiencing joy, creativity and warmth, it was also a place of hierarchy. These people usually have a very complex relationship to others - at one hand they need their pack, it’s their support system, their backbone when they have a hrd time standing up by themselves and they do need the validation and recognition, but at the same time they could feel threatened by people overpowering them, the idea of being too dependend on the love and support of others makes them doubt themselves and distrustfull and often times they feel the need to prove their strength or worth, just as a lion has to fight off a challenger, not only for the pack, but also for the pride. They either come back to their supportive ‘pack’, as they usually create this safe space of trust, comfort, security, encouragement and love, or they become prideful, bold and loud and try to get the upper hand and authority back. The strong desire to prove worth and obtain love might stern from a difficult relationship with a parental figure. There might have been not a healthy amount of attention given to the individual.

Virgo IC/Moon/4th: This person comes from a place of just and order. Here, they fall back into disecting the world and people around them, they are driven to find a solution. They can easily get hung up on small emotions/details, there is a potential to overanalyze situations, but the thought of order is imprintent in their minds, acting ‘rightful’ and ‘appropriate’ makes them orient themself to any kind of rule or pattern they can follow. These individuals want to avoid the feeling of embarassement/shame, probably due to past issues in their homelife, so they calculate possible outcomes right from the beginning. They prevent. With this placement though, people usually experiences a ‘lack of’ in their homelife. This could have been caused by a permanentely dissatisfied parental figure, even though the wound is emotional, the solution or apparent problem mainfested as something materialistic and this mindset is carried on as they grow up. Though these people seem to think about everything, the challenge appears when their solutions in the 3D world are not enough: when they have to face their and otehrs feelings as the working surface they can find themself irritated and trying to escape the ‘irrationality’ and feelings in their perception of logic. They need to pay attention to not become too controling, compulsing or discrimenating and trust others.

Libra IC/Moon/4th: This persons upbringing was deeply influenced by the realtionships in their family, and strongest by the ones of their parents. It can se the tone of the way they lead all their connections and calls for a deeper self reflection and a sense for self-determination and initiative from the individuals side. It’s true that the image one gave off and focusing on the others played a major role in the way they were raised. Here, the individual might have a strong desire to put things 'back into place', they try to rebalance and adjust everything, their own and others emotional states, because only if harmony is reached, then peace can be sought after. The focus here can sometimes lie too much on the superficial aspects, as they might have experiences that as they grew up the way things were presented to the public eye were one of the outmost important aspects of being raised and thus they can also mistake other feelings as their own. Regardless, it could have pleased their parental figures a lot, so now they fall back into 'pleasing the self and others'. This can lead to shallow behaviour in order to keep the native safe and sound, but their deep understanding of how people function and things just connect to each other can makes them equally caring and loving, but holding a healthy balance between those two aspects seem to be the difficulty here.

Scorpio IC/Moon/4th: These people come from a very vulnerable place. The homelife might have forced them to go through extremes that induced a lot of fear inside of them, causing them to be extra cautious and sensitive towards their environment. They might carry a deep sens eof responsibility for others as well, as their homelife could have relected the merging of affairs and ressources of the parental figures and the consequence of being each others responsibility. A Scorpio IC/Moon/4th house can give anyone a very emotional and deep side and if the situation calls for it, trigger a survival instinct inside of the native. They might cling to people more than other expect or use methods to guarantee their own well-being and safety that have the potential cross boundaries/limits. These individuals could have seen and experienced a lot, so they come prepared and stand their ground. Can be surprisingly 'lone wolfs', because they too need their time alone when hurt and appreciate not only solitude but loyal people in their life, and they usually walk through fire for those who are worth it.

Sagittarius IC/Moon/4th: The upringing most likely left the individual on their own at one point or another, it doesn’t mean that the parents were not loving or careful, but absent at some point and left the native to travel alone and find their ways. These individuals only want to be unhindered and free. They grew up with big ideals that could also been imprinted by their parents, though equally confronted with all the world has to offer and at the same there could have been strong believes that made them feel small, caged in, clouded their perception and thus triggered their sense for self-determination. Whenever they feel pressured they search for the best way to become free again, this can trigger a very reactive side of them, they will let go without any warnings and search for new, safer grounds, because for them there's always a next destination that surely will offer a better stay. This can make them appear lonely to others (though these people have the ability to attract new friends easily with their curious nature), but falling can feel like flying to them, so even though part of the journey they'll be alone, they mostly enjoy it.

Capricorn IC/Moon/4th: The upringing here had the fulfillment of necessities as one of the top priorities and the focus on the materialistic world might have made on of their parental figures a strict judge and often times turned the air around them cold. Being used to uncomfortable weather though, these people can pretty much turn on a steel mask and just walk through the toughest storms if it comes down to it - they are experienced in handling difficult situations and being on their own. Being self-sufficient and rationalizing precarious situations to get the control back is their talent, but mostly because it has always been that way. There was always something missing and a possible distance towards their parental figures, so they learned quickly how to get it all themselves or how to be on their own when their parents (consciously or unconsciously) decided to seperate the child from the source of care and warmth. They usually accept the solitude that comes with it, because things just have to get done somehow. But they should be reminded not to overuse this 'special ability', because it can make them feel very out of touch with their emotions and themself.

Aquarius IC/Moon/4th: Either this individual found themself set apart by circumstances caused by their family or society, or there was an individual attempt to own themself and their differences compared to the rest of their family. These people most likely experienced a frequent change in their home life, either their family constellation changed abruptly or their home setting, regarldess, this caused them to build a distance to either people or places. This distance can bring not only a objectivity and practicality to their approaches, but also an usually unjust associated coldness. These people have used their (sometimes unwanted) freedom for their own benefit at best and value their opportunities to go out in the world and recognize themselves in various people/concepts/places, thus this makes them a person that not only connects easily with the greater collective, but also might find themself fighting for what is not theirs. This can be due to an avoidant attachement style, but often times their search for themself in this wide world makes a limit of self expression, freedom or peace the biggest trigger. If someone challenges their boundaries they either get surprisngly reactionary or can easily cut them off. They are okay with moving on and leaving places or people - or at least have accepted this as a part of their own progress -, but at times it can appear too easy and should raise the question of when to deepen the bond for others.

Pisces IC/Moon/4th: They come from a place of universal love and understanding. The household involved parental figures that were not transparent and made them rely on their gut instinct and intuition, yet, could have deceived the child by witholding information or family secrets. It's not guaranteed that these people had a safe upbringing, because they were most likely flooded with emotions and other peoples energies, thus making them highly sensitive and receiving, even if they don't want to. Chances are high that they too quickly were exposed to emotional affairs and secrets of the family they could not understand and might have had to act as their parents pandora box, filled with all that should rather be left unseen and unheared. These people will most likely fall into a deep state of retrospective, they either take things as they are or need to emotionally 'digest' them. These people often 'surrender', meaning they either go back in receiving mode and understand and accept. Thus, they can be very forgiving as well, once they made their sense out of it. People can take advantage of this trait, or the individual themself might not realize that their cut their own flesh at times. The sensitivity of these people may not be as surprising as with Scorpio IC/Moon/4th people, because it always radiates in the way they connect with the world and people.

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fizzycherrycola · 3 years ago

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EngBel 1860′s

A big thank-you to @maelerie for the dialogue prompt, which was: “I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice.”

Warnings: Some Victorian attitudes, but not too much

Lions Dancing

Berne, Switzerland; 26 September 1867

Oh, it was so late to be eating, but poor Belgium couldn’t help herself!

Down goes another nibble of camembert, deliciously creamy, but it’s hardly enough. Sighing, she gazes upon the beautiful, yet paltry spread of morsels decorating the buffet table. A few handfuls of fancy cheese, grapes, berries, a bit of bread and butter, salad greens, and an empty tray that used to hold some tiny cakes.

“Where is the proper food?” she moans.

“Did you not eat dinner?” England asks.

Pouting, Belgium wraps her arms around his elbow. “I did, but I’d heard that we were being served food, so I only ate a little.” A flank of roast beef, a bowl of steaming stew, and a good portion of potatoes would be so wonderful right now. Her mouth waters, imagination running wild and not helping her situation at all. Forgetting herself, she leans against England and the wool twill of his evening suit brushes her cheek.

He murmurs a note of affirmation and straightens his posture, resting a gloved hand over hers. It’s warm. She glances up to meet his evergreen eyes, gentle and unsure, before he looks away. Belgium, never one to squander an opportunity, takes in his handsome presentation.

Shortbread blonde hair combed to the side and freshly trimmed, a cluster of freckles across his cheekbones, and a pair of striking brows to crown a visage that is so authentically England. Despite how often she hears her peers sneering at his expense, whispered since he became an empire, she never understood how some could call him hideous. Perhaps standards ought to change, to grant Italy and France a break from being the forever pinnacles of European beauty. Not to minimise their features, of course, but.... Hang on. Is England wearing a scent?

A trio of German states greet them with a bow and Belgium quickly pulls out of her thoughts to return the gesture. When they depart, England’s mouth is twisted into a soft frown.

“Would you like something to drink?” he asks.

“Oh!” Belgium exclaims. “Yes, I would. Do you know where the drinks are?”

“Just over by the antechamber.”

Her delight deflates. The antechamber isn’t far, but the manor is very crowded. Passing through a doorway almost becomes like a queue.

“All right, let’s get to it.” She begins shuffling between the flocks of visitors when England lightly grasps her arm.

“Oh, I thought...” he fumbles. “If you’re still hungry you can keep eating and I’ll fetch it for you.”

Belgium perks up. “You will?”

England balks. “Of course, I will. It’s only proper for a gentleman to serve his....” He stalls. “To serve the lady in his company. It’s good etiquette. Not that I’d object if you'd prefer to get it yourself, but, erm....”

“I’d like a beer, please,” she says with a smile. “And if they don’t have it, I wouldn’t be daunted by something stronger.”

Nodding, he takes his leave, and Belgium takes a moment to admire his retreating form. Once he’s out of sight, she places a few berries in her napkin and watches the dancing.

A cluster of people are twirling in tune to a string quartet, filling the room’s centre with big skirts and bare shoulders, an array of colours and patterns from across Europe and the Ottoman Empire. The dances are, thankfully, very simple and well-known, not like the ridiculous leaping shows that leave her exhausted and wanting to toss her Pinet boots into a river. Tonight will be long, as most balls often are, with gas lamps burning away the darkness and ceiling chandeliers twinkling like stars. With a dash of luck, and providing she play her cards right, the evening might also be, dare she hope, a passionate one.

Gnawing her lip between bites of a strawberry, Belgium weighs her options. Might there be a secluded corner in this castle-turned-manor? Surely there’s at least one. If so, she should find it before Bohemia drags her into an endless train of gossip.

“Belgium, is that you?”

No! But wait, that isn’t Bohemia’s voice. Squeezing past the audience circle comes a young face that makes Belgium’s heart soar.

“Lux!” she cries. Immediately reaching out, she wraps her younger brother in a warm hug, ignoring his groan of protest. “I had no idea you were coming. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It was a last-minute decision,” Luxembourg admits. He feels thin, under his dainty frockcoat, but he’s always been rather scrawny. “When I saw Ned packing his suitcase for the trip, I suddenly wanted to join in. I can’t say what came over me.”

She plants a kiss on his buttermilk hair and they part. “Well, I’m so glad you did! It’s good to see you.”

He smiles, all tired eyes and pale skin. “You as well.”

“Oh, Lux. You still look weary; haven’t you been sleeping?”

Luxembourg sighs, small shoulders heavy with stress. “I’m better than I was a few months ago. Readjusting to a normal life has taken longer than I’d hoped. I’m not ashamed to admit that France and Prussia gave me quite a scare. For a while, I even thought that....”

“I know.” He need not say it; everyone feared that there might have been a war. “But in the end, everything sorted itself out. You needn’t worry about them anymore; you’re safe now.”

“You’re right.” He offers a shrug and a flimsy grin that betrays he may not believe his own words.

What a messy affair it was. It’d be false to say that she held no resentment towards Netherlands for his part in the disaster. But truthfully, in a world of sprawling empires, any step taken has the potential for friction or crisis. “Don’t push yourself too hard,” she adds. “And if you ever need anything at all, you can always call on me. That’s what big sisters are for.”

Luxembourg quirks an eyebrow. “Anything at all?”

“Anything.”

“Then, how about a dance?”

Her chest glows and she beams at him. “Lux! What a nice request; when did you become so sweet? Well, I’d love to, but at the moment, I’m waiting for England to return.”

“Ah, right. You have to dance with your beloved first.”

Belgium’s jaw drops. “What?”

Her brother laughs, a high, healthy sound. “Oh, come on. You can’t pretend it isn’t obvious. Everyone sees how you longingly gaze at each other.”

Heat blooms under her cheeks and she flicks him. “Hush, you! Don't poke fun at me.”

Luxembourg, the menace, is still grinning. “Impossible. As your brother, it’s my job to poke fun at you.”

She sighs. “Always with the japes.”

“I hope I'm not interrupting,” says England, and Belgium is thrown off-balance.

He blinks, glancing curiously between the siblings with two brandies in hand.

“England,” Luxembourg greets. “It’s good to see you again.”

“Luxembourg,” England says with a short nod. “The pleasure is mine.”

“We were just discussing japes.”

“Is that so?”

Belgium accepts her glass and has a hearty swig.

“Yes,” Luxembourg continues. “But actually, now that you’re here, there’s something I’d like to say.”

England tilts his head and Belgium tenses, casting a look at her brother. Before she can interject, Luxembourg performs a bow. “Thank you for your assistance. I didn’t have the chance to express my gratitude in London, some months ago, but I was, and still am, deeply appreciative of what you did for myself and my people.”

Surprise holds her breath for a moment, before relief floods down her neck, and she muffles an exhale around her glass.

Brows raised, England pauses. “Oh. Well, I can't take all the credit. The conference was held at Russia’s suggestion.”

“You did host it, though. And you helped the discussions along.”

A spark seems to light in England and he grins, chest swelling. “Hmm, I suppose that’s true,” he hums. “However, I was perfectly satisfied to play host if it meant avoiding an unnecessary war. Another squabble is the last thing Europe needs and such a thing might've put you and your sister in harm’s way and I couldn’t allow....” His words peter out as realisation dawns on his face. Belatedly, he turns away to cough. “Think nothing of it.”

His unfinished statement doesn’t go unnoticed, and like a cup of sorbet in summer, Belgium melts. Admittedly, it was some time before she learned to see past England’s mask, how he hides deeper emotions behind pleasantries. Far from being a bother, the display is... strangely endearing. A tough exterior covering a soft centre; a toasty crème brûlée.

Blast, now she’s gone and made herself hungry again.

Luxembourg smirks. “I think I’ll have one of those brandies,” he says, pointing to the doorway. “The drinks are in the antechamber, right?”

Belgium flinches. “You’re leaving?”

“Just to get a drink.” He casually bumps her elbow. “I’ll be nearby.”

Instinctively, she squeezes his hand. “All right, then. I’ll catch up with you soon. Don’t let Ned leave early.”

Luxembourg chuckles. “I won’t, I promise. Enjoy the ball, Belgium.”

He departs, stalwart and skinny, too young and too mature. But just as he’s slipping between a set of packed tables, cluttered with empty plates and lounging patrons, a thought strikes her.

“Ah, Lux,” she calls. “By the way, if you see Switzerland, could you kindly ask if he has a little more food?”

He rolls his eyes, and with a wave, Luxembourg disappears into the crowd.

Belgium feels a gaze on her, ticklish on the hairs of her neck, and she glances at England. He looks away, nursing his booze, while the background din of ballroom chatter prevents total silence from settling in. Swirling her amber elixir, catching reflections of the hall, the dancing pairs, and his profile rippling around the rim of her glass, she fidgets. It’s suddenly very hot in this elegant manor.

What should she do? They’ve been dancing around this, whatever it may be, for too long. So many balls behind them, waltzes, galops, and polkas, but only fair goodbyes at the end of each night. Well, enough is enough. No more nonsense!

She drains her cup, burning honey and liquid confidence down her throat, preparing to do something wildly improper: to ask him to dance. It shouldn’t cause too much of a scandal, should it? And if it does, it’ll certainly be overshadowed by the gossip surrounding Hungary and her decision to wear trousers this evening.

But England speaks up first. “May I have the next dance?”

Belgium blinks. “You may,” she says, wind taken out of her sails.

Immediately, England finishes his drink, necktie and collar bobbing as he swallows. He takes her palm and, at the dwindling of the string quartet, coupled with mild applause, they head to the floor.

There is a pause, then a cello croons and a waltz begins. They dance, as they have many times before, to the charming serenade of singing violins. And England is definitely wearing a scent; cedar wood folded in with a wash of lavender and other enchanting florals that transport Belgium to a glasshouse garden kept tidy and warm.

“You know,” she comments, “I believe you used to hate dancing.”

“That was true about a century ago,” he says on the turn.

“What’s changed in that time?”

“I suppose, the circumstances of the activity.”

They weave between couples, spinning through blurs of satin and taffeta. She stays closer to him than the steps require, thankful that she ditched her old hoop skirt in favour of a slim crinolette.

“England?” Belgium murmurs, a swarm of butterflies in her belly.

“Yes?”

“I also wanted to thank you for how you helped my brother.”

His hand tightens around her palm. “...Of course.”

“You didn’t need to intervene, but you did, and I truly appreciate it.”

“Please, think nothing of it.”

She smiles. “How can I? It’s not just the courtesy you’ve shown him. You’re always kind to me as well.”

England’s brows arch a little, then smooth out. He doesn’t reply at first, but then his chest rises in a quiet breath.

“Always is a very long time.”

Belgium giggles. “You’re right. For us, ‘always’ is a very long time.” She considers this as he slides her into a twirl, away and back. “But lately, I think you have. Am I wrong?”

A spin, and she returns to his hold, near enough to hear him whisper. “...Perhaps, lately.”

These decades are strange, when words are so restricted and emotions must be revealed so carefully. In some ways, it’s easy to become caught up in social customs, the limiting formalities that change with time. He was more open when he was younger; they both were.

“Lately, I’ve... I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice.” She averts her gaze, throat suddenly tight as she dips into uncharted waters. “Tonight, and other nights, you’ve gone out of your way to ensure it appears accidental. But I don’t mean to accuse you of any wrongdoing, because you haven’t done anything wrong at all, it’s only that... I’ve sometimes wondered if... if you harbour any feelings for me.”

His steps falter, timing off, until he corrects it. “Harbour feelings?”

Her fingers tense, curling over his shoulder. “Am I mistaken?” She swallows, her words only a whisper louder than the song. “If I am, please tell me. I’ve no desire to be foolish. Please, tell me and I won’t bring it up again. I swear.” But she isn’t wrong, she’s sure she isn’t wrong.

England says nothing. The string instruments slow and hush. Belgium’s heart is hammering as their bodies still and the music ends, applause swelling up from the onlookers. Face warm, she glances up, hiding behind her lashes, and he’s staring back – openly, with gorgeous, hair-raising seriousness. His eyes dart over her, searching, and she trembles, a tremor that begins in her lips and ripples down into her chest.

Gently, England’s hand presses on her back and the shiver quiets. She leans impossibly closer to him, their torsos flush, and--

“Belgium!”

Belgium jumps with a squeak.

The voice calls her again and she wildly scans the room. From the audience circle, it’s Lux, waving like an idiot. “Sorry!” he shouts, pointing to the buffet. “I don’t mean to interrupt, but more food has been brought out.”

“O-Oh,” Belgium mumbles. She hesitates, utterly lost, looking between her brother and England.

“They have potatoes and lamb!”

“Yes! Thank you, Lux! I’ll be right there.”

Belgium moans. He did that on purpose, the menace! And even if he didn’t, what does it matter? The moment is ruined!

Shoulders high and tight, she steps back, wishing for the immaculate, cherry-wood floor to swallow her whole. When it doesn’t, she forces a painful smile. “I’m sorry, that was too bold, wasn’t it? You don’t need to answer. Just um... forget I said anything.” Fizzling with anxiety, she tugs England by the wrist and nods to the buffet. “I should’ve had more food before downing that brandy! That was silly of me. Um... why don’t we get something to eat?”

Her pull meets resistance, though. England is rooted to the spot, mouth shaping around silent syllables, as if trying to find the right words.

“Occasionally, I suppose you might be bold, but... I wouldn’t think to call you foolish.” He shifts, taking her hand, a gloved thumb brushing over her knuckles.

Belgium halts, mind stuck like a broken carriage wheel, and there’s a touch of pink to England’s cheeks, his expression painted with worry. It’s another second or two before the wheel clicks together.

“Oh,” she breathes. “Then, you...?” England’s lips thin and the colour spills across the rest of his face. Belgium buckles. Her body, dress and all, vacates the earth and is replaced by fluffy, hand-spun clouds. She’s floating, adrift in dreamland and over the moon. “Food... we should... before it’s gone.”

England clears his throat. “Right, yes.”

“And then, um... would you mind if we found somewhere quieter to eat?”

“If you’d prefer.”

She rushes closer. “But would you like to?”

He balks, eyes as wide as saucers, rouge creeping down his neck. “I wouldn’t mind. Um, yes. We could... certainly do that.”

A full-body tingle soars to Belgium’s ears and she wraps both arms around his elbow, feeling very much like a tangled-up yarn ball of a thousand happy feelings. And slightly parched. They should get drinks to pair with their food.

They lean together, shuffling at a snail’s pace to the buffet, ignorant to the rest of the ballroom, and not taking their eyes off one another for quite a long time.

End / Fin

~~~

Author’s Notes

The Luxembourg Crisis was a diplomatic dispute in 1867 between France and Prussia over the political status of Luxembourg. The confrontation almost led to war between the two parties, but was peacefully resolved by the Treaty of London. The UK was happy to host the talks as they feared that the absorption of Luxembourg by either power would weaken Belgium, its strategic ally on the continent.

It’s an obscure canon Hetalia fact that Luxembourg likes to prank his sister.

Pinet boots were a specific style of high-heeled shoes that were popular in the 1860s.

Trousers on women? Yes! Some women did wear them back then, but it was very rare. And any women who did, were absolutely doing it as a fashion statement against restrictive hoop skirts.

The crinolette was a transitional garment bridging the gap between the cage crinoline (hoop skirt) and the bustle. It was fashionable from 1867 through to the mid-1870s.

Victorian attitudes on romance were exhausting. Expressing interest in someone, if done improperly, could get you labelled as a devilish flirt with “poor morals”. And women weren’t permitted to make the first move, as Belgium does when she asks if England likes her. She’s being very bold, but you know what? Good for her!

Did you know? Belgium and England share the lion as their national animals. With that in mind, I chose to imagine a pair of lions dancing when writing this story. Hence, the title.

#engbel #aph england #hws england #aph belgium #hws belgium #aph luxembourg #hws luxembourg #arthur kirkland #historical hetalia #hetalia #hetalia fanfiction #hetalia fanfic #my writing

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cno-inbminor · 3 years ago

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iterum vivere (childe/tartaglia)

a/n: wow, it’s been fucking forever. first genshin fic featuring childe/tartaglia!!! a very huge thank you to @suspensin for reading this over and being my rock and support, and i love her so fucking much. I couldn’t have finished this without her!

plot: reincarnation and modern/uni!au ft. afab reader!traveler with she/they pronouns x childe/tartaglia

-- in which meeting childe is a bit of a dangerous game of push and pull

wc: 12.1k; angst + fluff

warnings: DOES CONTAIN IN-GAME SPOILERS (1.5? 1.6? + story quest and idek) and NSFW MENTIONS (mdni to be safe). there’s no explicit smut but thoughts do run a bit wild here and there

EDIT: Altered ChiLumi version now posted on AO3 here!

“Haven’t we met before?”

The shine in your eyes does nothing to hide your curiosity, head even tilting a little in observation. He watches them scan his face for any recognizable features, but attempts to focus on the strange, taut string of déjà vu that pulls him toward you. In a moment of absentmindedness, he had heard a faint voice call out his name from your direction. Confusion overtook him as you weren’t looking at him, but something inside his brain said that it had to be from you. And so his feet redirected his path towards your figure in the student union building, as if on a mission.

“A fucking whale, Childe?”

Oh.

“I don’t think so…?” You trail off, curiosity now replaced by perplexed feelings. “Do we have a class together?”

I think I would’ve noticed you by now if you were.

“Ah, what’s your major?” Childe asks quickly to avoid listening to the little voice in his head.

“History and anthropology, you?”

“Economics, but I’ve taken a history course for core credits. Maybe it was then?”

“With Dr. Zhong?”

“Yes!” He snaps his fingers. Part of his brain decides to usefully function and scan his memories to see if he remembers your face or head of hair in the lecture hall then. “Last year? Tuesdays and Thursdays from 10 to 11:20?”

“Actually, yeah,” you affirm in surprise. You think you would remember the relatively attractive ginger in your class, but honestly, it had all been such a blur and you were often pretty sleepy during class. Dr. Zhong didn’t quite appreciate it, but you made up for it with your exam and essay grades, as well as paying better attention in some of his other courses.

“Did you need me for anything?”

“I’d like for you to come visit and meet my family.”

He’s really not appreciating this extra voice speaking for him.

“Well…uh…” Childe stammers and looks away sheepishly, hand rubbing the back of his neck. He honestly had no reason for approaching you, and now, he just looks like a desperate idiot. Think quick, he tells himself, floundering for some shitty excuse.

“I wanted to, uh, take another history course as an elective and um, wanted to know if you had any recommendations?”

“Oh,” you blink. That’s a first. When he meets your gaze, the swirling shades of sapphire strike something deep within you. Flashes of events you can’t make out go by in the blink of an eye, but then you realize you’ve been staring for too long. Blood rushes to your cheeks because you don’t exactly want this guy to get the wrong idea from you, because how are you supposed to explain, “I’m sorry, but I think we have met before, but just a really, really long time ago, and we might’ve been more than just acquaintances because that’s what it feels like?”

“I think you’d like Teyvat Mythology,” your voice wavers on the verge of cracking. “Dr. Zhong might have a TA this time around, but Xiao’s a great teacher. Doesn’t have long, rambling anecdotes, but explains things well and gets straight to the point.”

“C-cool, I’ll look into it,” Childe replies and smiles brightly. “I’ll head out then,” jabbing a thumb over his shoulder, where he just realized he left a grouchy Scaramouche waiting by a vending machine, newly purchased Starbucks Tripleshot drink in hand. “Nice seeing you, (y/n).”

He scurries off before you both realize that you never told him your name.

“Who’s that?” Scaramouche asks, jutting his chin in your vague direction.

“Someone from my Intro to Liyuean History course last year,” Childe waves off. “Come on, let’s go before the line at the pasta bar gets too long.”

The next time you see Childe is by accident, traversing across an open field of grass that many students like to sit out on to relax with friends, sunbathe, hold events, or play casual team sports if room permits.

You had your earbuds in and were scrolling through social media when laughter rang above all other sound, causing your head to snap up and swivel around to find the source. And while it might’ve been strange to an outsider, your steps immediately slowed as you watched the man of your tiring, vivid dreams sprint in your direction, eyes pinned on a frisbee heading towards him.

He’s wearing a grey sports tank and basketball shorts, headband holding back his bangs as he makes a slight jump in the air to catch the plastic disc between his palms. His feet plant into the grass as he looks for someone to pass it to, and you watch (with embarrassment) the muscles in his throwing arm relax and tighten with practice, frisbee steadily soaring through the air in a beautiful arc towards a teammate. He then lightly jogs to get closer to his group, but then his back stiffens.

Before your instincts kick in for you to turn and bail, he looks over his shoulder and stares straight at your now stunned self.

The sole ruby earring that glints in the sunlight catches your attention, and you recall your dreams of terrifyingly dark, violet electric power, blades of water rushing toward you, and then the stomach-churning sensation of falling from great heights pours concrete into your veins—

Childe looks a little amused for having your sole focus, hand lifting up for a quick wave. And as you numbly return the greeting, your heart beats out, “Run from him.”

And so with the flight response pulsing and firing from your synapses, you abruptly speed walk away, almost breaking out into a sprint towards your dorm. You ignore his pointed, confused look, and pretend you don’t feel the two holes of imaginary fire searing into your back. It isn’t until you’re laying back in bed that you release a huge sigh of relief and pray to a deity you don’t believe in that those eyes of mirth will not haunt you tonight.

But of course, with a deity that doesn’t exist, the prayers go unanswered.

“Do you believe in any of the mythology you teach?” You ask Xiao about a few days later when you stop by his cubicle. Luckily, no one else is around for this conversation, and Xiao has always been kind enough to humor your thoughts. Granted, he might feel obligated because you had asked Dr. Zhong to be your advisor for your undergraduate Honors thesis, and Xiao was directed to be your receiver of some general questions and source of information if he wasn’t around.

A quick scan of your complexion tells Xiao everything he needs to know. Your eyes are overtaken with rumination and exhaustion, haziness clouding them as you seem to ponder over your own question. It’s not often that you ask him anything not related to your thesis or coursework.

“Perhaps there’s some sense and truth to the tales passed down,” he softly muses. “What makes you ask?”

You lift yourself to sit on the clean area next to his computer, legs slowly swaying back and forth. “It might sound crazy but...I’ve been having dreams lately. They feel too real, too natural to be anything that my mind would make up. I’ve never had the most creative imagination by any means, which is why there’s some comfort to me being a history major, but I can’t shake these.”

“So why ask me about the mythology?”

“...the Archons are there. I even dreamt that I met the Geo and Anemo Archons. And they controlled various elements, just like we were taught.”

You don’t notice that Xiao has ceased his rapid typing, fingers hovering over the keyboard before one hand removes his glasses from his face. He uses the other to rub his eyes and softly pinch the bridge of his nose before sliding the frames back on. Dark, golden amber eyes survey you as you grapple with the unfathomable possibilities of your nightly visions, at least until you shake your head in disbelief at yourself and lightly scoff.

“Who am I kidding?” You ask no one in particular. “Maybe I’ve been doing too much research and everything’s mixing together.”

“You’re ahead of schedule, if that provides any consolation.”

“Some.”

It takes Childe a grand total of one minutes and 53 seconds to sign up for Teyvat Mythology for the spring semester.

WInter in Liyue is only slightly miserable, being so close to the ocean. It’s chillier than usual on this dreary day, yet something compelled you to exit your dorm and shakily make your way to the campus coffee shop for a warm drink. Coffee, hot chocolate, you haven’t quite decided yet, but just as you let yourself bask in the warm building, familiar ginger hair and blue eyes wash away the comfort.

Or do they douse you in security?

They remind you of your recent dreams that now have shifted away from stress and violence to easygoing summer days by the oceanside, running barefoot in the sand while collecting beautifully patterned azure starconches. Sometimes, you thrust a hand towards an oversized four-leaf clover on a wooden stake with the power of wind and catch yourself in the air, soaring and looking around to find more of the little shells. Other nights, they consist of climbing steep cliffs, only to sit at the edge in the clouds with fatigue wracking through your system and marvel at the view before you.

Someone’s always with you though, ruby earring and maroon mask and cobalt blue gem hanging from the waist, sprinting with you, playfully tackling you down, pulling you up towards mountain peaks, laying their head on your shoulders, brushing their lips against your cheek--

You welcome the change of peace in those dreams, but only because they don’t leave you quite as tired the next day, as if you’d been avoiding an inescapable dark force.

Part of you wants the burning question of why this person, this man, in all his glory and brightness, affects you so fucking much when you barely even know the guy -- why looking at him sends your heart to lodge itself in your esophagus, why your lungs feel like they’re so close to being completely collapsed under the weight of his stare, why feeling like you’re trapped and caught between wanting to run towards yet away from him. It makes no sense, and you’re tired of trying to make sense of anything you don’t exactly want to remember from your dreams for some, once again, inexplicable reason.

But there’s no time to think as he quickly ambles towards you, your own feet shuffling forward to meet him in a warped reference of a distance that constitutes to “the middle” before you can stop yourself. Your shivering hasn’t quite stopped yet, and Childe seems to take notice of it.

“Pretty cold out there,” he softly states. It’s cute, the way you’re curling in on yourself to retain some warmth.

“Y-yeah, not sure why I decided I really needed something warm to drink right now,” you reply and avoid his gaze. He watches you peer over his shoulder to squint at the menu display hanging from the ceiling, seemingly contemplating on what you should get.

“How about I get yours today? My treat for your class recommendation last time.” Anything to keep you here longer. Childe doesn’t realize how much he’s missed you, which confuses him, and chooses to ignore the fact that he’d been camping himself at the study tables in the building where the history department is located in hopes of even just catching a quick glimpse of you.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that,” you immediately attempt to subvert his generous offer, hands shooting out from your jacket pockets and waving in rejection. “It was nothing.”

“Please?” Childe puts on his best puppy eyes before reaching for one of your wrists, gently tugging you to the register. “Just this once?”

You want so badly to squash the tiny flare of disappointment that erupts in your chest from the newly acquired knowledge that this was just a one time thing. Do econ majors hate to feel in debt? That they must be even with everyone, or would rather have people indebted to them than the other way around?

There’s no time to think when Childe gives the cashier his order before turning to you, and without wanting to waste anyone’s time, you rattle off your usual beverage. He’s quick in fishing out his student ID to spend some of his campus currency, shooting you a boyish grin when you pout at your half-opened wallet.

“Go take that table over there,” he says, pointing to one in the corner by some windows. “I’m gonna tell my friends to go on without me.”

“I didn’t mean to intrude or pull you away from them,” you slightly panic. The sooner you can leave, the better. Right? “You don’t need to sit with me, I was just gonna head back to my dorm.”

“I insist. Go ahead, I’ll be right there.”

Why your brain takes his orders over your own is a mystery in and of itself, because before you know it, you’re plopped down in one of the lounge seats and staring off into space, mind reeling over the last two minutes. You pretend you can’t hear the way Childe’s friends nudge his arm playfully with their shoulders, wiggling their eyebrows suggestively as Childe tries to get them to stop being nonsensical.

“You’re gonna scare them off,” he hisses at them, hands pushing at their backs so they could finally leave him to his devices.

“Not before you do!” One of them laughs and Childe groans at their antics. “All right, all right, we’ll go. They’re cute though, might steal them if you don’t make a move.”

The darkening of the aura surrounding Childe is too quick for them to fully process, not before he dampens any of their fleeting hopes with a, “Don’t even fucking think about it.”

But it disappears just as fast when his and your drinks are called out, and he gives them one last shove before retrieving your to-go cups. Childe directs all his focus towards the seat diagonally from yours as opposed to the one that’s straight across, and you’re sharply ripped away from whatever reverie you let yourself slip into.

“Thank you,” you murmur, hands cupping the drink and feeling the heat seep into your fingertips. “You really didn’t have to, it was nothing big.”

“Can you blame me for just trying to find an excuse to finally talk to you?” He asks without a skip and you can’t tell if the quickening of your heartbeat is from a looming sense of doom or excitement. Those eyes, the tiny swirls of the ocean, blue like those shells buried in the sand--

It takes three seconds too long for you to understand where he was going with in his words, and part of you feels unamused at his smooth talking. You’ve always guarded yourself against guys like Childe, devilishly handsome who know their way around language semantics, ready to pull you in and just as ready to push you away. That (possibly unfair) bias, coupled with everything else you’ve been feeling for him, sounded the alarms and set the walls up around your heart. Perhaps you need to stop wearing your heart on your sleeve, because Childe immediately retracts his forwardness.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I promise I’m not looking for anything in return and you don’t owe me anything, but I really did just...want to sit and talk and...get to know you?” Childe trails off a little towards the end. Your body loosens up and relaxes just a tiny bit, feeling bad for your snap judgment. Let the guy do something nice, don’t look into it too much, you tell yourself. It’s a coffee, not a five-course dinner.

You reach out a hand towards him, small smile across your lips, ready for his to join yours in a quick handshake. “I’m (y/n), senior history and anthropology double major. It’s nice to meet you.”

The pounding of your heart against your ribcage has nothing to do with the shimmering of his eyes, nothing to do with the fact that his hand fits with yours just right, and nothing to do with the fact that an eerily similar voice from your dreams whispers, “I love you.”

You learn a number of things about Tartaglia in the four hours, like his family members and their respective interests, which classes he did and didn’t enjoy taking, certain takes on Schnezhnayan politics, his own various hobbies, crazy accidents from the occasional college parties, and more. He’s a bit of an open book, probably telling you way more than any regular person would, and definitely more than anything you revealed during all this time. Everything you tell him seems surface level, nothing too deep. The walls are still there to protect you from the unexplainable, profound feelings his presence seems to elicit, and luckily, he doesn’t prod any further. Childe feels the resistance and respects it, which just adds more brownie points in your book, and you almost feel bad for having given so little in return.

“I wish we were taking Teyvat Myth together,” he sighs when walking you back to your dorm, hands stuffed in his pockets. His ruby earring catches the light from the sunset, the shade almost complimentary to the golden amber rays that streak across the sky. “Would’ve helped having a history major in there.”

“Is that all I am to you, an answer bank?” You jokingly ask, but he watches concerningly as you shoot your gaze to the ground, mindfully stepping over the cracks between concrete slabs.

“Of course not,” a gentle sincerity reaches you, giving you the confidence to make eye contact with him. “I’m sorry for making it sound like that, it wasn’t my intention. I really just meant it as a way of saying if the professor or TA ended up being a total bore, then well, having you would make it more fun.”

“I’m sure I’d bore you even more,” chuckling, speeding up to get away. You’re growing too comfortable in whatever atmosphere Childe has created, like an enclosed air bubble bobbing gently in the depths of the sea and letting the waves carry you both to whichever ends of the earth.

“Hey,” he interjects, hand reaching out to stop you with a soft yank of your wrist. There is no resisting force from you, feet stepping backward until he meets you eye to eye. It’s unfair in the way that he can render you motionless by standing just an inch from you, arms brushing with his head tilted closer to your own. “Seriously, I’m glad we did this today. Are you?”

No, because now I don’t know what to think, I don’t know who you are, I’m not any closer to figuring out why you terrify yet leave me so enamoured with you, I’m torn between punching and kissing you and--

“Yes,” you subconsciously answer, brain immediately short-circuiting to scold yourself. “I had fun.”

His grin, charming, devilish, is so so bright, bright enough to rival the Liyue sun that sits on the pier, on the edge of the ocean, bright enough to rival the love that your fraternal twin showers you with on a daily basis. You want time to stop right here because you’re almost sick of the voice settled deep within your heart that screams, “Don’t get comfortable, you must run from him!”

“Good. Let’s do this again?” And you nod, of course you do. Foolish you. “Don’t be a stranger!” He calls out as he turns on his heel and waves over his shoulder, hand raised in the air, and you’re suddenly transported to another scene, a less refined version of the Liyue Harbor, watching as the head of ginger hair with a red mask in a flashier attire of grey and maroon walks away from you and onto a roaring, magnificent ship; big, ivory sails only seen in books and museums. It’s the same gesture of “see you later”, and just before he turns, you blink, and you’re back to seeing your campus again.

But Childe does look back once, warm and content that you’re still standing there, watching over him, and he can’t help but think about when he can spend time with you again, because suddenly, it truly feels like there’s not enough of it anymore.

“Excuse me, what’s a Red Bull?”

The last thing, or person rather, you expect to see on the last day of finals for the fall semester, is a small boy who looks way too young to be here, tugging on the sleeve of your windbreaker. He’s at most eleven, ten maybe, but he has eerily similar characteristics, as well as an accent that doesn’t quite belong to most Liyue natives. Still gathering your bearings from your own perusing of the fridges that hold all the possible beverages a college student could consume, you kneel down until you’re at eye level with the child.

“Repeat that for me? Are you looking for a Red Bull, you say?”

“Yes!” He beams and holds out a student ID that most definitely doesn’t belong to him. “My brother asked me to grab him one because he was busy with something.”

Your eyes flit over to the top shelves where the aforementioned cans of caffeine are located, and definitely too high for someone of his height to reach. “I’ll grab one for you. Did he ask for a specific flavor?”

“Nope, he said regular. Thanks, you’re really nice! Do you know my brother?” He asks, waving the ID at you so you can get a better look at the name. That’s definitely a face you recognize, but the name leaves you confused.

“Yeah, um,” glance over again, “I know...Ajax…”

“He’s the best toy seller in the whole world!”

Somehow, it suits him much better than Childe or Tartaglia, and you’re not quite sure what toys have anything to do with the matter at hand. Speaking of hands, the little boy grabs yours in sheer delight. “Can you take me back to his room? I kinda forgot the directions he told me, and everything’s so big around here.”

“Sure, just let me buy something, too, and I’ll take you.”

“Okay!”

The cashier isn’t the least bit fazed by the little brunette at your side -- it’s always common for family members to come in around the end of semesters to pick up kids or visit, and being an open building with snacks and drinks and a stopping point of most tours, they’ve seen it all. You even let him pick out a bag of chips and a candy bar for himself for being so polite and not a complete menace, paying with your own campus currency.

Teucer, as you’ve learned in the last two minutes, likes to point out things and ask you questions. Luckily, you have answers to most of them and do your best to pad the time, enjoying the feeling of a tiny hand wrapped around three of your fingers. It’s sweet to any normal passerby, believing they’re witnessing an older sister doting on their little brother around the holidays, but to Childe, seeing the tender sweetness on your face as you nod along to whatever Teucer is rambling about to you, sets his heart aflame. He’s already constantly on the verge of wanting to hug and kiss you and never let go, but you haven’t made any indication that you could potentially like him back, and this is just torture.

“Look what they bought me!” Teucer shoves his rewards in Childe’s face as if he had extremely poor eyesight, and you can’t help but laugh a little as you set his Red Bull down on his desk, clutching your own preferred beverage while looking around his room. Finals must have gotten to him with the unusual lack of tidiness in the small space, some laundry strewn here and there, a couple boxes of eaten microwave dinners in the metal wire trash can, some textbooks left open and marked with more sticky notes than you’ve ever seen. You’d only been here once before to drop off some food that he desperately messaged you about, stuck doing a project that he just couldn’t step away from.

“Pretend you don’t see the mess,” Childe pleads, handing a kid tablet to his brother but holding on before Teucer can take it. “What do you say to our nice friend here for buying you these snacks?”

“Thank you!”

“It was nothing,” you shyly smile, ruffling his hair. “I enjoyed meeting you.”

“Wait, what’s your name again?”

“It’s (Y/n).”

“Okay, (y/n)! Wait…(y/n)..as in…”

Teucer trails off and gives a look to his brother, one that spells curiosity and trouble, before he grabs your hand and pulls you into a corner. Any movement Childe makes to leave his desk chair is immediately squashed by Teucer’s disapproval, and the older man is left to helplessly worry when you’re told to squat down so secrets can be whispered into your ear.

“He talks about you a lot whenever he calls home,” and you want to laugh at Tecuer’s attempt to sound as scandalous as possible. “All the time! I think he likes you, like, like like.”

Oh. Oh dear.

“What makes you say that?” You whisper back, indulging both yourself and him, yet also internally snickering at how troubled Childe looks.

“Sometimes, he video calls mama, but we’ll all sit around and talk, and whenever he’s talking about how he saw you or something, he just looks...happy. Really happy.”

The surprise on your face does nothing to settle Childe’s nerves and he’s about to start wringing his hands together. Whatever Teucer was telling you couldn’t be good, probably embarrassing, like the one time he unceremoniously fell on his ass while ice skating over a frozen lake, or when he tried fitting fifteen marshmallows in his mouth and nearly choked on them when their mother caught them in the act, or--

“I think he just thinks of me as a good friend,” you try to inform Teucer, not letting yourself get any semblance of hope. “Nothing more, nothing less.”

“If you say so,” Teucer pouts. But then he stops whispering and bounds over back to his brother, grabbing the tablet before plopping down on the half-made bed.

“Look, I was overconfident and thought I could execute a perfect single loop on the ice, but there was a rock and I lost balance and--”

“I wasn’t being told any stories about you falling on ice, but do tell me more,” you chuckle and take some joy in watching the blush spread across his cheeks. It’s easy to tell that he’s mentally berating himself for jumping to conclusions.

“Well, first off, thanks for buying him all that, and my drink, too,” he sighs. “I spoil him enough as it is.”

“I can see why it’s hard not to,” you smile knowingly. “So is it just him here? Where’s the rest of your family?”

“Funny story, he somehow managed to convince my parents to let him come here on his own as his first ever plane flight, so I had to pick him up yesterday from the airport. He’s flying back with me tomorrow.”

“And the RA?” You ask with an eyebrow raised.

“Ah...well...what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him? Speaking of, what was Teucer whispering to you about?”

There’s a pensiveness that overtakes you when you look at Teucer again, who’s happily playing some sort of game and completely oblivious to the rest of his surroundings. You won’t, can’t, take his words to heart, and will take them with a grain of salt at most.

“Nothing important. Although I did learn something new...Ajax?”

“Say my name -- fuck, say it, please--”

“I guess cat’s out of the bag,” he chuckles and looks away, absolutely unaware of the flare of heat that swirls in your stomach from the fleeting vision just now. “I came up with other nicknames as a kid to seem cooler, and they just stuck with me. Plus, the business world is full of people who just want something from you, or just a transactional relationship. I’d rather not give my real name to them, if you know what I mean.”

“That’s fair,” you nod and lean to sit on the edge of his desk. A thought pops into your head and you turn the words over in your head like a washing machine on the spin setting, teeth gnawing on the flesh of your bottom lip. If Teucer hadn’t been in the room, he would’ve been this close to kissing you.

“But if it’s worth anything,” your voice slowly, softly starts, cautious and wary of your thoughts. “I think...Ajax suits you best.”

Curse fate. Curse the legendary Archons. Curse karma and deities and spirits because all he wants to do right now is stand and tower over you, trap you between himself and his desk so you can’t escape, take those pretty lips between his until they’re bruised and swollen because of him, hear you call out his name in the throes of pleasure so he can finally replace his fantasies with tangible memories. The unnatural, magnetic pull that draws him to you is unbearable now -- he feels like he’ll lose the last tendrils of his sanity if he doesn’t do something.

You can’t stop him from slowly reaching out to grab one of your hands, lifting it towards him until he’s close enough for you to feel his breath ghost over your knuckles. It sends a shiver down your spine and blood is pounding in your ears because you can’t begin to fathom what he’s thinking about while doing this, even more so when his lips make contact with your skin and your breath hitches, stuck in your throat as he languidly peeks at you beneath his eyelashes with a heated gaze, then lowly confessing, “My name sounds best when you say it.”

Good heavens.

It’s difficult to swallow and keep your composure, especially when Teucer yells out in glee over, what you can assume, beating something in his game, and Childe drops your hand. But his dilated pupils don’t retract in the slightest, refusing to let you look away so that maybe, you can understand what he’s trying to convey to you. He’s taking the first step because he’s terrible and can’t contain his self-control anymore, pushing the ball into your court, ready for you to either play or exit into the sidelines.

When you do blink, there’s a vision of your naked body wrapped around another, limbs clinging desperately to a sturdy and panting frame. Lips, much like the ones that have seared themselves onto your knuckles, are at your neck and sucking, biting, before moving to your ear and laying filthy words into them that drive you closer to the edge. It all happens so fast that you feel you’ve just experienced whiplash, yet also feeling secondhand embarrassment at how lewd some of these thoughts have been.

You can’t stay here any longer.

“I-I have to go,” spills off your tongue before you can really think about it. The way the haze shatters in his eyes is heartbreaking in its own way, but there’s no time for you to explain. Your brain is in overdrive and eager to run, run, run. It detects danger on all fronts, but you muster out a, “H-have a good break, come find me next semester, mmk?”

And you’re out the door with inhuman speed. When the door clicks shut, only then does Teucer look up from his screen and frown at the lack of your presence. “Where’d they go?”

Chlide doesn’t seem to hear him, and Teucer has never seen his big brother look so sad and confused before.

He holds on to that last tendril of hope, because mark his words, he will find you come January.

After about a week at home, enjoying the festive time with his family and mildly unconcerned about next year’s courses because that was a problem for another day, Childe has his first, crazy, nonsensical dream.

At least, that’s what he tells himself when he snaps awake and his body aches with exhaustion. Not only are his joints in agony, he also feels like he’s sporting unforeseen bruises, which makes absolutely no sense because he hasn’t done anything that would warrant them, no matter how much he and his brothers do some rough-housing. His night of sleep was all consumed by flashes and scenes of weapon fighting, lucid enough to remember feeling his arms flex and wield bows and double-headed polearms and being cognizant of all the enemies??? surrounding him. They ranged from deranged looking monsters, floating beings with soulless masks, and large humans in electricity-padded armor, to behemoth machines in the sky that could leave you within an inch of your life thanks to a drill for a hand?!

But what’s even worse is that you seem to have managed a deal with Morpheus himself and infiltrated his dreams. You were there, too, sometimes fighting with him, sometimes against him, much to his dismay, and while it was nice, he just didn’t get it. Why the friendliness and hostility? Why was there an anger that overtook him when looking directly at you, parrying your blade and sending harmful arcs of water toward your figure?

Why did he relish the fear in your eyes when he darted towards you with electricity cracking through the air?

There’s an overwhelming sensation now to grab his phone to text you and apologize -- for what, he can’t fathom and there are no words to accurately convey what he’s thinking. “Hey, sorry for wanting to kill you in my dream :( “? Or “Sorry for being a friend but then stabbing you in the back, but then being nice to you again”?

And the only thing that really made sense was the serenity and contentment that would course through his veins as the two of you danced around on ivory sandy beaches, picking up shiny blue starconches and taking down more weird creatures; the breathlessness when you would fall back into the water and re-emerge to reconfirm his beliefs that you were one of the most beautiful humans he’d ever laid his eyes on; the love--

Hold the fuck up.

He doesn’t love you. He likes you a whole lot and he’s severely and deathly attracted to you, but he doesn’t love you. Your existence has only been made known to him for about two months, and he didn’t really start talking to you until three weeks in. So no matter how comfortable he feels with you, no matter how much he wishes that you were sleeping peacefully next to him so his nights wouldn’t feel so lonely, it was too early, too hasty, to say that he loves you.

“I’ve been wondering, why didn’t you bring them home?” His mother asks him out of nowhere during breakfast, all to add to this extremely tumultuous roller-coaster morning he’s been having. All he wants to do is eat his bowl of milk and cereal, then potentially go back to sleep before fulfilling his promise to go with his siblings to the nearby skating rink. It takes everything in him to not choke on his spoon of grains.

“Agreed, didn’t you mention they didn’t really have any family to go back to and that the move to Liyue was semi-permanent?” His father chimes in, laying a quick peck on his wife’s temple. “It’s never fun to spend the holidays alone.”

“They would’ve felt like they were intruding,” Childe replies quietly, stabbing his bowl a few times before scooping up another spoonful of cereal to his mouth. “I know we’re friends, but we haven’t known each other for that long, and maybe they’d be uncomfortable because that’s a lot honestly…”

“You don’t know until you try,” his mother sings and pats him on the shoulder. “We do have a guest room after all.”

“For them and their twin?”

“And quite a comfortable futon with enough blankets.”

Childe smiles fondly at his parents’ kindness. He can only imagine what this winter break would’ve been like now -- you and your twin floating around, trying to help out with certain chores, sitting by the fireplace and watching TV, huddled up with mugs of hot chocolate, playing board games with everyone and engaging in all the shenanigans…

Laughing. Loving. Grinning. Basking.

Handing over one of his hoodies to you as a sick way of torturing yet blessing himself for seeing how lovely you look in his clothes, standing silently in the doorway as you attempt to help out with mealtimes next to his mother, watching you run around in the backyard and dodging his siblings’ snowballs while lodging a few of your own -- how wonderful it all would be.

But he squashes it down as quickly as possible, because you escaped his grasp. You ran away from his advances temporarily and even though you gave him permission to seek you out come the spring semester, he worries that you might take it back. Something will wake up inside of you to keep him out of your heart and your life, and he’s not confident enough at this point to believe there’s a good chance you will come spend the holidays with him and his family next year.

“Maybe next year, ma,” he sends her a hesitant, yet somewhat broken purse of his lips that’s just the least bit curved. It tells her everything he’s thinking, and the quick patting of his cheek lets him know she understands.

Half an hour later, Childe finds himself curled up on his side under the sheets, phone in hand as he stares at a blinking cursor. It shouldn’t be so hard to send a text to convey his holiday greetings, because that’s all it is -- part of him is becoming desperate and aching for some interaction with you, even if it’s just a text sent back for conventional social pleasantries. He’ll take it for now, right?

Before he can totally chicken out, his thumbs quickly type a, “Happy Holidays, (y/n) :)”, and it’s a little embarrassing how quickly after he hits the ‘send’ button that he tosses it over his shoulder so he’s not directly looking at it anymore. His heartbeat is too quick and he prays for no phantom vibrations or phantom sound notifications to avoid any disappointment of thinking he got a reply. It was a harmless text, yet he’s treating it like he just got assigned on a mission to go and murder someone for the first time. What will he do if you never text him back? Does that mean you really don’t want to talk to him? Are you dead in a ditch somewhere? Did you change numbers and not tell him? Did your twin get all the details and make the executive decision to block his number? Will he never get a chance to talk to you again, even if it’s about something in the Teyvat Mythology class next semester? Will you--

His shoulder screams in protest when he quickly flips himself over at the text notification sound, hands shakily unlocking his phone and opening up your conversation again. His heart rate significantly decreases, reaching back to its normal pace, especially as he reads the little words on his screen.

“Happy Holidays, Ajax ^^”

There is hope.

“You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?”

You’re huddled under the comforter of your twin’s bed, phone just peeking above the edge as you stare at it with a brightness in your eyes. For the most part, you had been sulking there, apart from meals and going back to your own room to sleep, and mentally berating yourself for the way you reacted to Childe the week before.

“He just texted me to say happy holidays,” shrugging to put on a facade of indifference. It’s stupid that you’re trying to hide your feelings from your twin of all people, who could pick apart and identify your emotions in a heartbeat. A roll of his eyes lets you know that you haven’t fooled him at all.

“So you think that whatever comment he made, which was very suggestive and indicative of clearly non-platonic feelings, was just something...friendly? Remind me again how you came to that conclusion?”

“I don’t know what I was thinking!” You whine, looking around to see if there was anything you could toss at him. “It’s just, with everything, all the dreams and stupid gut feelings, I just -- I don’t know, okay?? I can’t tell you enough how much I wish I had just kissed his stupid face and see where it goes from there.”

“Okay, gross, but don’t beat yourself up. Though...I do have a good idea on how to maybe get a good reaction out of him. You wanna go to the New Years’ celebration at Xiangling’s?”

“I think she’d threaten me with a knife if I didn’t. She wanted to go shopping at some point, too.”

“I’ll drop the overprotective brother act for one night, okay? One night, just to let this happen, and for your peace of mind.”

He does a fair amount of conspiring with Xiangling, a friend they met one time at a restaurant a couple years ago, even tagging along on the shopping trip. Together, the three of you find yourself a dress that Xiangling swears would make any person drool over you, including Childe, because at the end of the day, he was a person with the possibility of being attracted to you.

You think it’s a bit silly, but honestly, what do you have to lose at this point?

At 11:57PM on New Years’ Eve, Childe is standing outside in the freezing cold with his family, arms lifting up bags of sparklers and fireworks. They’ve driven out closer to the wild like they do every year, and everybody excitedly gets lighters ready, making sure someone’s got a clock out there that tells the seconds. As the younger kids open up the packaging and argue over which one to set off first, Childe’s phone vibrates in his coat pocket.

It’s 11:58PM when he manages to fish the device out and thank himself for buying gloves that are touch-screen friendly, excited to see that there are two texts from you, the latter reading, “Happy New Year!”. It doesn’t matter that you’re a little early, but he’s mainly intrigued by the fact a photo came before it. In his mind, you’re probably curled up with your twin brother, hopefully a selfie because wow, he misses your face.

He gets something else instead, and he is so glad that it’s dark outside and the electric lamp they have is too far away from him to draw any attention.

You have your arm around your brother’s waist and another girl’s that he doesn’t recognize, but it’s a full frontal view of your outfit, one that hugs your curves beautifully and shows more cleavage than he’s ever seen from you, sophisticated and elegant, yet fun and leaving enough to the imagination. There’s a bright smile coming from all of you, and you look like you’re at someone’s house or apartment with plenty of other people milling around in the back, but they don’t matter, not when all he can focus on is you.

Gorgeous, breathtaking, arousing, mind blowing, and gods, he wishes he could teleport to Liyue at this moment, find you, and kiss you right at midnight. Fuck the fact that he doesn’t exactly believe in superstitions like, “Kissing your significant other at midnight means you’ll last forever!” but he’s willing to take the chance with it on this night and the ones after, if he’s allowed. He tries not to think too much about pinning you against the wall and letting the world dissolve -- wants to be the one with the privilege to drag down that zipper and feel his bare skin on yours, and --

As Teucer starts yelling there’s only a minute left, he instinctively locks his phone and shoves it away out of anyone’s view. The last thing he needs is his family teasing him about ogling at your photo for a straight 50 seconds, wide-eyed and pupils on the verge of dilating, the visible breath leaving his mouth just a smudge more dense and prominent than usual.

The only thing he can do to distract himself from popping a boner in front of his parents is to join in on the countdown, making sure all the fireworks are set up correctly and grabbing a sparkler for himself. He waves it around with Tonia and promises to fulfill her wishes of taking one of those pictures right as she draws a pattern in the air. Their excitement is palpable and addicting, and even though the larger fireworks set off a few seconds after midnight hits, the nostalgia fills his lungs with fond memories and future wishes that they only continue this tradition for as long as possible, and hopefully, with you at his side.

When it’s 12:04AM, you get a picture message back of Childe bundled up in a black paletot coat, matching beanie and all, a gloved hand holding a sparkler and lips curved upwards, with a caption that says, “Happy New Year’s! See you soon :)”. You show it to Xiangling and your brother, both taking it as a win in their books, although the former does tipsily protest that there should be a better indicator of Childe’s brain breaking at how amazing you look right now. Maybe she’s prophetic, because another text chimes in and the words set you aflame, as well as suggestive whoops into your ears.

It’s a simple, “You look incredible btw”.

If you didn’t want to properly savor this moment, you would’ve found the nearest shot of the strongest liquor and tossed it back with abandon. But you want to remember the warmth in your veins that wasn’t from the alcohol or the heating, the fluttering of your heartbeat, the teeth-baring grin that you couldn’t fight off, the constant re-reading of those four words -- because they’re so different from everything you had been feeling before with him, the need for protection, the need to escape. Instead, you’d like to be in his arms right now and see for yourself how he’d look at you in this moment, and if he would take any action.

You want him to. So, so bad.

Childe spends his last week at home hating the fact that you’re just sitting around somewhere in Liyue, doing whatever you’re doing, probably doing some light preparation for your last semester of classes, and he’s not there to take advantage of all this free time and hang out with you. When classes start, it’ll be busy and hectic. You still have your thesis to finish and revise, and while that won’t eat up all your time, it’s still some that he’d want to fill in with his presence if he could. He debates whether or not he should ask for your schedule and compare it with his, maybe set up meetings every other day or propose that they all eat one meal together every day. Childe’s not quite sure of what you plan to do after graduation, as it hasn’t come up in conversation yet, but either way, he’s determined to stay in contact and make things work out. Long distance isn’t ideal, but with technology now, he’ll take it.

He feels a little bad for how excited he probably looked to be leaving home, uncharacteristic for the most part. His older siblings have already gone back to their respective homes, and it’s mainly Teucer and Tonia that worry and tear up when he starts packing his belongings. Tonia finds it unfair that Teucer got to meet you first and the latter makes sure to rub it into everyone’s faces. It’s hard for Childe to sleep on the plane because he’s thrumming with excitement, yet somehow even more nervous than usual when the plane hits small bouts of turbulence, and he doesn’t seem to relax until he sets foot back on campus.

He’s here. It’s January, and you’re physically closer to him than ever in the last two weeks.

“Found you.”

On the first day of classes, you’re sitting alone with some salad greens in a bowl, poking your fork at some scraps while you watch something on your phone, earbuds in and back towards the entrance of the canteen. It would explain the unannounced entrance of the very person who’s been at the forefront of nearly every thought in the last 96 hours, his fingers gingerly removing an earbud to surprise you as best as possible, and you startle in your seat.

Your heart kicks into overdrive when he hands you back your earbud and pulls out the seat next to you, setting his own plate of food down as he plops down in his chair. But then he says nothing afterwards, instead choosing to send you a cheeky grin before digging in. You’re left to slowly phase out of your state of shock, stuck between either running away or frantically texting your twin to come and save you even though he was off on a date with Keqing.

It’s not that you weren’t elated at the fact that Childe had done exactly as you told him last month, you just weren’t...prepared? It’s a shitty excuse and a cop out -- you’re mainly just having trouble with racking your brain to find the right words. What are you supposed to say? What should you do? Is it socially acceptable to lean over and kiss him on the cheek because that’s what you’d like to impulsively do at this very second??

“So you did,” you settle and steal a roasted potato wedge from his plate. It’s his turn to be taken by surprise, but he gets over it much quicker than you do. In fact, he spears two wedges and drops them in your bowl, smiling at you as best as he can with a mouth full of food. You give them your thanks before the silence settles in again.

“Did you have a good break?” He asks before his next bite.

“I did. You?”

“It was nice. My parents said I should’ve brought you and your twin home to spend the holidays with us. Can’t say it didn’t cross my mind before finals.”

Holy shit, what? “We couldn’t intrude like that, but that’s really nice of you guys.”

“That’s okay, there’s plenty of chances to visit later.”

You tilt your head and furrow your eyebrows. “But we graduate this semester?”

Childe challenges you with one of his own eyebrows raised. “And? Are we never gonna see each other again?”

Honestly, the possibility had occurred to you. You aren’t entirely sure of Childe’s plans after graduation, and if that meant he was staying in Liyue or going back to Snezhnaya or even moving to Inazuma or Mondstat. While people preach on and on about how lasting friendships and relationships are often formed during college, you believe it’s more common to slowly drift apart as life gets busier. And if Childe moved away, or if you did, it’d be hard to consistently keep in touch with 10 hour workdays.

The thought saddens you, regardless. You like him so much and you’re glad that he was even in your life to begin with, because as unbelievable as it sounds, seeing him was almost akin to the feeling of coming home. Amidst all your nerves, your confusion, your spiraling thoughts, something deeply sated in your heart was a comfort that you found with very few people in your life whenever in his presence.

The thought of leaving and never looking back somehow doesn’t feel new -- it’s bittersweet, but the air in your lungs feels like it’s surrendered to something, like it was to be expected.

“You can’t just leave without telling me--”

“It was last minute! I had no choice!”

“You could’ve written up a message, anything--��

“Can you imagine the position you’d be in if the message got intercepted? I wouldn’t have been safe, she’d make you come after me--”

“As if you’d be any safer in Inazuma of all places! That’s the one place I can’t easily get to!”

“I can take care of myself, Childe, I don’t need you to protect me.”

“This isn’t about me protecting you, (y/n) and -- stop walking, will you?!”

“Then what is this about?” You spin on your wheel with eyes aflame. “Why are you so angry with me? It’s normal for me to disappear for weeks at a time, why was this any different?”

“Because you could’ve died!” He yells back in despair, chest heaving. Your silence is his cue to continue. “You could’ve died and I wouldn’t have known until much later. You could’ve died and all I’d ever think about were the things I never got to say to you, and how I wish I had treated every day with you like it was our last.”

It isn’t hard to tell that you’re stunned and at a complete loss for words. Childe often hides behind facades of charm and wit, and only when he is truly weak does he choose to be this vulnerable, baring his heart for you to see.

“I only have two nightmares in this world. One, my family being harmed in any way. Two, reading in a report or hearing from an agent that you’ve been captured and killed.”

“I like to think that we will.”

His hand reaches out to lay on top of yours, giving it a quick squeeze. “Well, let’s make the most of it this semester.”

Conversation afterwards is easy, filling each other in on holiday activities. Childe speaks extensively about several family traditions and you listen with rapt attention, basking in how fond he is of all of them. Even as you both bring your dishes to the return belt and leave, he immediately offers to drive you both somewhere to get boba, noticing your reluctance to part ways. But boba shops have to close, and you both have class tomorrow morning, and you’re both finding any excuse to keep talking, even if that means sitting outside your dorm building on a nearby bench.

You eventually bid each other good night’s and see you later’s, him refusing to walk away until the heavy door locks shut behind you after you swipe your student ID, and you looking over your shoulder to watch his figure disappear into the night.

True to his intentions, Childe makes great efforts to meet you at least once a day, and he can’t get enough. Each parting from you tugs and tugs at his heart, as if there’s a high possibility you’ll never want to see him again the next day, and he wouldn’t know what to do with himself. Your twin and Childe get along well for the most part, and he even meets Xiangling on one of her shifts at her regular restaurant, who sends you a salacious wink and an eyebrow wiggle over his shoulder that nearly causes you to burst from embarrassment.

February rolls over without a hitch, even if you’re a little disappointed that Childe didn’t make a move for Valentine’s Day. Granted, you two still spent time with each other and he’s so darn physically affectionate and he bought you a carnation from the event his dorm held, but you wish you had the guts to fess up and just kiss the man.

It’ll happen some day, you tell yourself. You have time before graduation.

Two days before the end of the Friday that would signal the start of Spring Break, you wake up in a cold sweat, mind reeling and head splitting, heart so so heavy, as a connection is made between your present and your dreams. Not long after, there are tears streaming silently down your face and into your open palms placed in your lap, and you sit in shock as everything comes back to you. Memories are such treasured burdens, you realize.

For the most part, you had gotten used to the dreams, choosing to take charge of what you know and feel now with Childe over succumbing to some strange neurological premonitions. Especially in your dreams when many people’s faces were blurred over and hazy, and the only things you could rely on were voices, touch, and other physical features. You thought that maybe your mind was just playing tricks by transposing Childe’s hair onto a body that was also strikingly similar to his, but for the first time last night, you could see each defining feature on his face as clear as day.

The sight of his figure arching gracefully over yours, the water arrows that appeared out of thin air, the back that protected you from some military men, the voice that said, “Hey girlie, hold still.”

And that was when you had snapped awake to your current state.

Past the initial shock and uncontrollable tears, you soon bent over as sobs wracked your chest, overwhelmed by all the emotions and the pain the memories brought you; losing your twin, finding him to only be left with even more questions after roaming for decades and decades, meeting all your loved ones throughout Mondstat and Liyue, fighting yet falling so hard for Childe, feeling the fear when facing his Foul Legacy form, hating him for Osial, loving him, breathing heavily as the tip of your blade was pointed at his neck and his own just centimeters from yours, tendrils of water inching closer and closer--

Everything makes sense now.

When you meet your twin for lunch at the cafeteria, you pay no mind to the fact that you’re in public and hug him harder than you ever have in years. He’s already a little alarmed that your eyes seem swollen and you look like finals came two months early, but when he asks what’s wrong, all he gets is a shake of your head and nothing more than, “Just a bad nightmare. I love you, y’know that?”

“I love you too?”

“Don’t sound so unsure, now let’s go and get in line before they run out of Jueyun Chili Chicken.”

Even when you meet Xiao later in the early evening to talk about your thesis, you find yourself holding back more tears just two minutes in, reminded of his past and his own life, and he’s moderately concerned, hesitantly handing you a tissue from the corner of his desk when a stray tear escapes. “Is everything okay?” He hesitantly asks, really hoping that he didn’t do anything to make you cry.

“No,” you almost wail and sniffle while dabbing at your eyes. “Sorry, it’s just been a really long day.”

Xiao’s inquisitive gaze softens, remembering how hard undergraduate life could be sometimes. Graduate school was a whole other level, but that shouldn’t discount your own personal difficulties. Plus, in all of the year and a half that he’s known you, you’ve never broken down like this before in front of him.

“You work really hard, Xiao,” you continue, and he’s not sure where this is coming from. “You’re always so helpful and willing to work with me and answer my stupid questions and like-- you practice self-care, right?”

Xiao nods as a white lie, but it seems to comfort you. Maybe too much because you pull him in for a quick and unexpected hug, and you both decide to reschedule this meeting for tomorrow.

As per usual, you wait for Childe to join you for dinner since you finished up earlier than expected. It gives you more time to think about everyone from Mondstat -- Kaeya, Diluc, Lisa, Jean, Amber...funny to think that some things never changed as you compared their past version to the ones you know now.

“Mora for your thoughts?”

There’s a peace that warms your heart when you hear Childe’s voice, one that forces you to smile at him as he sits down next to you. “Just thinking about old friends.”

“I have to admit, I’ll be a little jealous if it’s another guy taking up more space than me in that pretty brain of yours.”

What a flirt. This man isn’t good for your heart. “Who said you had any to begin with?”

He dramatically places a hand over his heart. “You wound me, (y/n). How will I ever recover?”

“You’re ridiculous,” you snicker. Childe reaches over to pinch your cheek and you bat at him in protest. Easily, he grabs one of your hands and simply pulls you towards the food lines, knowing that you’ll stop fighting back soon.

Part of it feels strange now to feel and see his hands with no leather gloves on.

“Childe,” you start halfway through your meal, continuing after he hums back in reply. “Do you believe in reincarnation?”

He freezes briefly, but recovers so quickly that if you hadn’t been watching so closely, you wouldn’t have noticed. “I think it’s neat, the idea of having past lives. Why do you ask?”

What he really wants to ask is if you’ve been having those dreams, too; if he’s starring in your nights like you have been in his.

“Just a thought, especially since you’re taking Teyvat Myth now, too.”

“Do you...do you think if there was a past life, that we knew each other?”

There’s something about the look of content on your face before you meet his gaze -- he thinks that you know more than you’re letting on but you’re holding back for some reason. He wants to know what’s going through your brain right now, why the fondness in your eyes sends a jolt through him like he’s been searching for it all his life, if you know anything about this magnetic pull between you two.

“I like to think that we knew each other well.”

Even though the first day of your returned memories was somewhat eventful, you couldn’t help but feel yourself wanting to pull back from Childe -- at least, until you can successfully compartmentalize which emotions belonged to you past self and which ones belonged to your current mindset. You didn’t quite agree with his duties and his affiliation with the Fatui back then, even if he had his reasons that did make sense, to some degree.

The killing, the threatening, so intent on stealing Rex Lapis’s Gnosis in the name of the Tsaritsa, summoning Osial as a mean to an end -- and you definitely can’t forget how stubborn he was in not listening to your protests, so caught up in his brain that you had betrayed him and sent you plummeting to a near-death experience despite his earlier promise of no intention of killing you specifically.

Everything had been toeing a faint, thin line with Childe then. Undeniable chemistry and tension, guarding yourself for yours and Paimon’s safety, slashing at Fatui agents, whispering out pleas and affirmations of “I’m yours” while riding him, sometimes having to sneak out in the mornings…

The only thing you don’t remember is how everything ends -- maybe it’ll come back to you eventually, but for now, you think you’re okay not knowing.

If Childe still doesn’t remember anything from back then, you think it’d be unfair to spend time with him in all your conflicting emotions, even when it’s spring break, where you have so much more hours in the day to be with each other than normal. Fun plans around Liyue had been made, like a two-day one-night trip to Yaoguang Shoal, and you’re this close to cancelling on him.

But he had been looking forward to it so much, even made most of the preparations for it. Who are you to rob that joy from him when it was you who couldn’t figure out your own shit? Are you self-destructing?

Perhaps.

Before you know it, you’re sitting in the passenger seat of his car, staring out the window at the scenery. Somehow, it pleased you to see that the nature of Liyue had been carefully preserved over the many centuries despite its development into the modern age. You get lost in picking apart the differences between then and now that you don’t notice how quiet you’ve fallen and Childe looks over worriedly when you show no reaction to your favorite songs playing on the stereo.

Even when he calls your name once, twice, nothing gives as you clearly have tuned everything out. So he leaves you be until there’s about half an hour left on the drive, unable to hold back and succumbing to reach over for your hand. You startle so strongly that he almost feels bad for having done it unannounced. But what’s even more disturbing is that this isn’t really the first time.

You’ve been talking to him less, often sitting quietly and staring off into another world that he can’t seem to reach. His texts are answered less frequently and with less wit and enthusiasm, so much so that he just appreciates you still show up to see him. Each time he asks if you’re okay, you always affirm that you are. He’s had a hard time believing you, but Childe believes you’ll tell him when you’re ready, surely.

It’s a little ironic yet fateful that Childe planned to bring you here, of all places. In the past, you had spent many days and nights running around in the sand with him, fighting slimes and hilichurls and collecting starconches for him. You remember laying on a large towel next to him as you both looked up into the sky, pointing out stars and constellations while sharing endless kisses away from prying, spying eyes.

“I’m sorry, I must’ve zoned out,” you sincerely apologize.

“It’s okay, I just wanna make sure you relax while we’re here. This is supposed to be a vacation.”

“You’re right,” you agree and squeeze his hand. “Let’s make the most of it before we become adults who are too busy to have fun like this again.”

And you do. Childe rented a small beach cabin (rich boys) closer to one end of the shoreline, just big enough with two bedrooms, a bathroom, and a small kitchen with a dining table. You help him bring in your bags and some groceries bought the night before, setting them down quickly so you can peer out the window again to take in the view. Childe picked a good time, too. Although it’d be a little chilly at night, the day was still warm and mainly overcast with clouds.

“What do you say we change into our swimsuits and head down to the water?”

“Sure.”

Childe hadn’t really been expecting for you to step out in a large, casual tee and gym shorts, one shoulder exposed. He might have been hoping to see a little more skin, but his mother didn’t raise a chauvinistic pervert for a son.

The light in your eyes as you both approach the water is everything he had been missing the last few days, your excitement and joy contagious. As soon as you place everything down on the sand, you kick off your flip flops and leave him behind to step into the water, giggling at feeling the waves crash over your ankles and bring sand between your toes. Childe approaches you from behind and starts smearing sunblock on the back of your neck, to which you just grin beautifully at him in thanks and he has to fight off the desire to kiss you right then and there.

You’re too caught up in embracing the ocean afterwards to feel the shrinking distance between you two, mistaking his warmth for the general spring air. It isn’t until he’s done with your shoulders that he hands you the bottle to leave you to do the rest of your body, and when you turn to thank him, he’s much closer than you remember. His eyes are gentle, holding your gaze and almost daring you to look away first.

But if there’s one thing you can place without a shred of doubt, it is the unmistakable look of love, because you had seen it many, many times before without knowing until later what it meant.

How so incredibly lucky you were to have Childe back in your life now, loving you all the same, and with no life-threatening barriers. Fate or the Archons have given you a second chance, and you’d be damned to take it for granted.

Childe welcomes your lips against his, wasting no time to bring you into his arms so you’re pressed against him as much as possible. He can’t care for the overt public display of affection because this is everything he’s wanted for months now, waiting patiently for you to give him permission to make you his. Your lips are incredibly soft and pliant against his as you first kiss him patiently, then applying more force and desperation to taste more of him. He mirrors you, one hand cradling the back of your head and the other on your neck with a thumb extended to your jawline, teeth moving to nip at your bottom lip. It’s dangerous, the way you smile against his lips, and when he sinks his teeth in deeper before pulling back, your quiet mewl nearly drives him over the edge.

But you’re in public, and this was an amazing first kiss. You two have a beach to enjoy and a fun night planned, and now that he doesn’t have to hold back on his affections, it’ll be even better.

His lips part from yours regretfully, his eyes languidly opening to meet yours. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots a blue starconch in the sand and freezes.

It’s not that he’s never seen one before, but something clicks. You. The shore. Starconches. Starry nights. His dreams. Monsters. Gods. Fighting. So much fighting. Training. His family. Dragons. You. Falling. You falling. You fighting him. Yelling. Kissing. Loving. Chasing. Him chasing you before you disappear at a teleport waypoint that somehow you only can operate. The abyss. Your twin.

Oh, Archons.

“ -ou okay, Ajax? Ajax?”

He snaps to look at you again. How does he go about this? How does he ask?

“(Y/n)...have you ever heard of the Fatui Harbingers?”

He has to admit that it’s a bit amazing to be able to identify all the emotions that cross your complexion, from curiosity to realization to conflicted. You’re actively trying to piece everything together without revealing too much on the off-chance that you’re wrong, that Childe hasn’t regained his memories and is just asking about something from class randomly and completely out of the blue.

Wait.

“You haven’t reached that material yet in class,” you whisper, heart in your throat at the realization. Could it really be…

“I was once Tartaglia, eleventh Harbinger of the Fatui, who possessed a Delusion and used my Foul Legacy Transformation with you several times,” he murmurs back, tucking a stray tendril behind your ear. “Is it too late to apologize again for summoning an ancient god and letting you fall about five floors with no warning?”

He should’ve been prepared for you wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling him in for a tight embrace. “No, never, but I spent weeks after kicking your ass so you’ve been long forgiven.”

Childe burrows his face into your neck, breathing in your scent and basking in this moment. There was so much to talk about, but you two arguably had more time in the world than ever with nothing holding you back. There was no impending war looming over, no one on the run, no opposing forces. His silent wish for a different life with you seems to have been answered finally. If running into you had been the event to set everything in motion, he only wishes he’d done so earlier.

All that matters now is you’re here together in this plane of existence, given a chance to love again, and experience everything you couldn't before.

As written in the stars, take my soul for it is forever yours.

fin

#childe x reader #tartaglia x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin scenarios #genshin impact scenarios #genshin imagines #childe #tartaglia #childe angst #genshin impact #genshin angst #genshin impact angst #this fic maybe took two years off my life

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phoenixyfriend · 4 years ago

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Uncle Ben and Little Luke

AKA we combine several types of time travel for maximum Soft Chaos, let’s go

EDIT NOW THAT I’VE WRITTEN THIS UP: jfc this ended up much angstier than initially intended uhhhhhhhhhh sorry

So a common enough thing I’ve seen in time travel fics is characters getting de-aged when tossed back physically, to neither the age they should be in that time, nor the age they were from the time they left, but whatever is most convenient. This is usually de-aging OT Obi-Wan into his TCW self, for reasons relating to, chiefly, removing the damage of Tatooine absolutely destroying his body alongside PTSD-driven alcoholism, but also because fic writers are horny, and Ewan McGregor playing a late-thirties negotiator is on average more appealing to people than Alec Guinness playing a vaguely feral desert hermit.

So, here’s how it plays out:

We take Luke and Ben from some point in the OT. There are a variety of options depending on how angsty we want it to be. My first instinct is ‘right after Owen and Beru die’ but I want to have that sweet angst where Luke knows that his dad is Vader and that Obi-Wan was trying to convince him to kill his own father without telling him that.

We’ll go with shortly after Bespin, and then they end up significantly before TPM. The Obi-Wan of the timeline proper is, eh, let’s say eighteen. Not really ready to be a knight, but old enough that we don’t have to worry about “if we go save Shmi, do we somehow wipe out Anakin?” which is absolutely a worry. Anakin is a toddler, and is in no place to be evil, on account of being literally two years old. He can’t even explode people with his brain yet.

Now, Ben finds himself mid-thirties, as is traditional. He’s not upset at this, because his joints hurt so much less than they used to! His knees aren’t exactly teenage-perfect, but by the Force are they better than they were in the years before he died! His hair has color! He doesn’t have arthritis! And, goodness, no physical withdrawal symptoms! The psychological aspect is still there, but nonetheless, he’s in much better shape than he last remembers being.

Luke looks like he’s about six. He was recently twenty-two. This is not an upgrade. Ben keeps having to carry him. He can’t see over the counter when they enter a bar for information. He can’t enter the bar in the first place. He’s very annoyed by all of this.

Ben is not annoyed. Ben is having a lot of emotions, actually, but annoyance isn’t one of them. He didn’t get to help raise Luke the way he might have if Anakin hadn’t lost his shit, okay, he sees a small Luke and he wants to hug him and cry.

Luke would like to be able to purchase a speeder part without the lady at the stall asking him if he needs his “dad’s” permission.

Once they figure out when and where they are, they need to decide where and how to leave. There are general shenanigans to gamble their way into enough money to hire a ship. They are in the ass end of nowhere, but definitely not Tatooine. There appears to be a jungle. There appears to be a significant variety of man-eating creatures. There appears to be a temple to the Force of questionable origin. None of this is actually helpful, except for the moment they find a “baby’s first lightsaber” in the temple.

Luke only has one hand and, being a six-year-old, his body is growing too fast for him to bother with getting a wired-in prosthesis the way he could as an adult. He can get a more basic prosthesis, but nothing that attaches to the neurons. He’ll outgrow it too fast.

He’s tiny and he’s not used to doing things with just one hand. He uses the Force to do what one hand can't, and every time someone tries to tell him he's misusing the Force he whaps them with the empty sleeve.

So, you know, they find out what year it is. Ben has a breakdown. Luke is upset that he left behind his friends. Ben admits to him that Leia was his twin. Luke stares in horror because dude, she kissed him, you couldn’t have mentioned this earlier???

Ben points out that Beru and Owen were keeping Luke away from him for nineteen years, and then they had about three days of awkward travel to find Leia in the first place, and then Ben died. He didn’t have a whole lot of time to figure out how to tell him.

(This sparks an argument that lasts several days. All onlookers assume that Ben’s son is throwing a tantrum. He doesn’t correct them, even though this is a very valid reason to be upset, because the truth is much harder to explain.)

Sooooo they travel. Mostly, Ben plays Sabacc, cleans house, and pays their way towards Coruscant. Luke still really wants to learn to be a Proper Jedi, even though Ben is pretty sure that Luke would have... a lot of difference of opinion with the Temple, but sure. Coruscant. They can at least stop by, and see Qui-Gon, and Mace, and Quinlan, and Bant, and everyone else that’s still alive and not tragically deceased in the horror following the start of the Clone Wars and then the birth of the Empire, and Ben can have a nice sob over all his dead friends being alive again.

Ben is only barely holding it together while Luke is in the room with him at any given point. But it’s fine! It’s fine. He’s fine. All of his loved ones have come back to life! It’s great! HE’S FINE.

He is not fine.

Luke is also grieving all the people who haven’t been born yet, but he’s... significantly more okay than Ben is.

The closer they get to the Core, the more often people just assume Ben is Luke’s father, and then look shocked and uncomfortable when Luke flatly calls him by his name, and they just... compromise. This is the point at which Luke starts calling him “Uncle Ben.”

Ben cries in his bunk later that night. Luke overhears it and wonders how the HELL Ben is more unstable now, when there’s a chance to fix things and no Vader or Empire trying to kill or capture both of them, and all his friends are alive.

(Luke will later learn a lot about PTSD and realize this is actually a fairly normal situation, to process significant events and emotions only after gaining safety or catharsis.)

(Twenty years on a ball of sand with an alcohol addiction and debilitating fear of the man you raised as your own brother is not, in fact, safe or cathartic.)

At any rate, they’ve settled into that pattern by the time they reach the Inner Rim. The Inner Rim is the part of the galaxy at which they’ve collected enough money (and mental stability) to travel a little better, and to take a few more risks.

Risks like “manipulate people with those baby blues.”

Ben tells Luke that he’s a menace, after he pouts so cutely that he gets a free scarf added on to a purchase that Ben makes. Luke responds that Ben has no room to talk, since he flirted a free breakfast out of that one inn owner.

Also, Luke is currently physically six. That is objectively a situation that sucks. He deserves to use it for all it’s worth if he’s stuck like this.

“You know, if you keep wearing all-black and looking longingly at the velvet cape and Space Chanel boots, the temple is going to worry that you’re a darksider.”

“Uncle Ben... you told me, yesterday, that I sparkle so brightly in the Force that it’s almost blinding.”

“Yes, but the gloves--”

They don’t agree on this, but Ben relents. He does actually understand good fashion, unfortunately, and he’s not unaware of how much Leia taught Luke about such things.

Luke’s about forty years ahead of the curve, of course, but Skywalkers are prone to such things. It’s usually in regards to technology, granted, but...

They get to Coruscant. Ben is very obviously a Jedi. He knows all the right words and walks like a Soresu master and feels warm and comforting in the Force. They let him in with minimal questions. They note down “my first padawan left the order to have a child, but died shortly after; I consider Luke here to be my nephew, and have raised him as such,” and move on.

Luke is vaguely annoyed because he already had an uncle (and aunt) that raised him, but he admits that a person can have more than one uncle. He can live with this. Ben was more family to Anakin than Owen was, in some ways, so it’s kind of true. Luke is even working on feeling more childish affection for Ben instead of the complicated mess of emotions that come from being lied to about some very large and important subjects, and then seeing the person saying those lies have regular emotional breakdowns due to something as small as Luke saying he likes the curve of the hull on that freighter.

(Apparently he sounds just like his father did as a child. This is almost heartwarming.)

The thing is! The thing. The thing is, they almost make it to the Halls of Healing to get looked over for weird viruses, or Outer Rim Parasites, or whatever the hells needs to be happening. They almost make it without Ben having a flashback to dead younglings or brainwashed troopers or the declaration of a Sith Empire. They almost make it without incident.

Then Ben sees Qui-Gon, and freezes, and does not move again.

Luke cannot get him to restart.

People are staring.

They haven’t even made it to Medical, Uncle Ben, come on.

Young, local Obi-Wan comes over and asks if there’s something he can do to help. Or maybe this “Ben” knows Qui-Gon? Master Jinn doesn’t recognize Ben, but maybe Luke knows more?

Luke does know more, but what Luke actually says is “he probably needs a mind healer.”

(Ben will not appreciate this.)

(Ben is unfortunately standing in the middle of the hallway and completely unresponsive, and is unable to argue with this assertion.)

(Ben is pretty much proving this assertion entirely correct, actually.)

Obi-Wan is helpful, if a little bitchy in the manner of most late-teens individuals, and offers to help get Uncle Ben down to the Halls of Healing. It involves Obi-Wan gently pushing on Ben’s shoulders, and Qui-Gon offering to carry Luke so he can be in Ben’s sights (because Ben is a Mystery, and Qui-Gon is quite fond of those, so he wants to stay involved). Ben kind of just... shuffles on down.

There are medical tests. They ask about how Luke lost his hand. He refuses to talk about it. They ask how Ben got all his scars. Luke says he doesn’t know. They ask if he knows why Ben looks like he’s been through a war. Luke says it’s because he probably was.

They check for foreign viruses. They find evidence of thus-far-unpatented vaccinations. They ask Luke if he knows what he’s vaccinated for.

“How would I know? I’m six.”

They agree that this is a good excuse.

(It is not. He’s lying. They do not know this.)

They do some more tests. They find a lot of questionable medical bullshit in Ben’s body. Most of this is from the clone wars, but they don’t know this. Someone realizes they haven’t gotten a ping back from the Shadow Network regarding “do we have permission to pull the medical file of a Jedi that isn’t in the normal database? We’re assuming you know who he is, since we don’t.”

The Shadow Network does not know who Ben is.

The healers, of course, go “huh, that’s weird, but maybe the name he gave his nephew was fake. We can’t exactly ask ‘Ben’ for more details right now. We already had to sedate him. Let’s check the DNA!”

The DNA pulls up as Obi-Wan Kenobi.

The padawan who brought this guy in two hours ago.

“Huh, that’s weird. Let’s call in Kenobi and ask if he knows what’s going on.”

Obi-Wan absolutely does not know what’s going on.

They ask Luke.

“Oh, I don’t know,” he says, lying through his teeth and not even pretending otherwise.

“You’re not a very good liar,” teenage Obi-Wan tells him.

“I’m not trying to be,” Luke says. “Can you get Master Yoda? I feel like we’re going to need him.”

They normally wouldn’t get Yoda on the request of a six-year-old, but they also normally don’t have a catatonic thirty-something Jedi who looks like he’s been through a war popping up in the medical database as the pimply teenage padawan that broke his pinky trying to do a Badass Ataru Flip last week.

Or... whatever Luke i... is... oh dear.

“Young one,” Qui-Gon asks, while people whisper-shout behind him, not realizing he’s cutting the Correlian Knot and just asking the kid himself. “Do you know why your midichlorian count is so high? It’s almost unheard of.”

“Uncle Ben said my dad was the Chosen One,” Luke says, because he is capable of being a little shit and is actually really eager to let Ben deal with some of the fallout. He feels for the man, really, but he’s also tired of being the one to field every single question.

Also, the expressions that pass on Qui-Gon’s face are hilarious.

(Luke may or may not be more affected by his six-year-old brain than he would like to admit.)

“Thank you,” Qui-Gon says, sounding more than a little strangled about it.

It takes another three hours for Ben to wake up.

He listens to the questions. He hears what they say his ‘nephew’ said. He looks at Luke.

“Is this revenge for not telling you about Leia?”

“It’s not revenge,” Luke does not lie. “I just don’t know how to explain it.”

“It’s pretty easy to explain.”

“It’s not my secret.”

“This is revenge for the Leia thing.”

“No,” Luke says. “Revenge for the Leia thing was when I ate a live frog in front of you.”

This is the point at which someone interrupts and points out that they appear to be stalling.

“Oh, he is,” Luke tells them. He gestures at Ben. “I can’t tell you more, because it’s more his story than mine.”

“I’m afraid, Master, that I am very likely to have an emotional breakdown if I allow myself to consider the reality of this situation for longer than the fraction of a second I already have,” Ben reports, full of false cheer. “Suffice to say, I am far from stable and have only held out this far for Luke’s sake.”

“Can you explain why you have my DNA?” Obi-Wan asks, as the person who’s most concerningly involved in this situation.

“You can,” Ben says, smiling like there is absolutely nothing wrong in the slightest, ever. “I’m you, from the future. I actually died and spent a few years dead before coming back. I’m not sure why I’m younger than I was when I died, but I appreciate being able to put on my shoes without my knees attempting to mutiny.”

“He needs a mind healer,” Luke reiterates, in case the strained grin hasn’t made it clear. “So do I, but not as much.”

“I have felt literally every person in this Temple save for Luke and Yoda die,” Ben reports, looking a shade more manic than a few seconds earlier. “It’s very overwhelming to feel you all being alive again. I may be approaching a mental breakdown, and I’ve been rather strictly advised against using alcohol to treat my traumas again.”

Luke kicks him in the thigh. It’s not a very hard kick, because he is very small, and he does actually like Ben. “I’m not letting you turn into an old drunk again.”

After several seconds of silence, a healer quietly suggests that everyone clear the room, and asks if someone could fetch Master Yoda as the youngling requested.

(THIS IS ALMOST THREE THOUSAND WORDS. I started it less than two hours ago. Why am I like this.)

#Ben Kenobi #Obi Wan Kenobi #Luke Skywalker #Qui Gon Jinn #Time Travel #De Aging #Phoenix Posts #Uncle Ben and Little Luke

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undead-merman · 3 years ago

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🧜‍♂️MerMay- The Brothers🧜‍♂️GN Reader- SFW

Lucifer

Appearance

Lucifer has a long black tail with a hint of a royal blue striping on the back. His scales are smooth and small, ganoid shaped and are completely flat. A few black scales are on his face, just at the corner of his eyes giving them a sharper appearance and forming a diamond shape on his forehead. There is one scale slightly out of place on his diamond mark; it's not noticeable unless seen close up.

His fins are long and flowing and are in the shape of rounded spades. He has a tear on his dorsal fin which goes all the way through the fin and has a scar on his back. His caudal fin is the largest on his body and has a peacock like pattern that can be flushed making the colors go from the normally black with barely visible blue to bright flashy blues, and reds on deep blacks.

His human skin is colored like a great white shark: creamy light skin on his stomach, fading to grey on his back; granting him the ability to countershade and aid in avoiding detection from above and below.

His face exhibits many shark features: broad and round head, small eyes, his mouth is filled with large teeth, and a flat nose.

Daily life

He’s very broody so he prefers the twilight and night hours; being accustomed to swimming in the deep parts of the ocean, too much light hurts his eyes but he also just enjoys the dark endless water with starlight above.

He has a very strict schedule, patrolling his nest, fighting off intruders, meeting up with Diavolo to hunt, clean up his brother's messes, patrol, try to sleep and get interrupted by one of his brothers if not more, and repeat.

He’s a carnivore so he enjoys eating whales, and sharks. He dislikes crabs and lobsters since they’re bottom feeders and he finds the idea of eating them very distasteful.

He’s meticulous with grooming himself. He’s always sharpening his claws and forever growing teeth, picking them and cleaning them until they gleam in the light and buffing his scales to make them shimmer.

When alone he enjoys trying to nap amongst a peaceful patch of seagrass. Drifting away slowly as curious little fish swim around him and the plant life softly brushes by with the current.

He enjoys playing the violin, which surprisingly works, making melodies that haunt divers unfortunate enough to hear.

Life with you

If you're a morning person you’ll get to see his sleeping unguarded face. He’ll try to wake up with you once he realizes, and within a few weeks he’ll be waking up far before you. He somehow has a built-in clock wired to try and make him wake up before you.

If you're a night person he’s thrilled to share some of the prettiest sights the ocean has to offer when the moon is out. Showing you his favorite spots to enjoy the night in silence.

He becomes very protective of you and constantly scents you before leaving your side. Rubbing his palms on your cheeks or circling his tail loosely around you before brushing up on you as he swims away. No one will dare come near you if you smell so much like him.

He hates to admit it but he has the natural instinct of him bringing shiny things to you. He won’t even notice it until he pulls your hands in his and suddenly you have a shiny piece of sea glass in your hand. His face heats up if you tease him about it and suddenly he finds a speck on the wall very interesting.

Mammon

Appearance

As golden as gold can look, being actual gold, Mammon has the boldest scales of all the brothers. He’s not sure why they are, they’ve just always been that way and their weight doesn’t seem to be affected. His scales are ctenoid and can cut if he flares his scales and hits you with his tail. He doesn’t have any scales on his face and his skin seems to glow in the morning sun.

His fins are exactly like that of a long spined sea scorpion with them having large painful spines inside them. Unlike the other fish he has a painful venom that can leave someone reeling in pain for days. It won’t kill but it’ll hurt!

He has two sets of canines that are very noticeable when he opens his mouth to talk. His upper right canine tooth has a gold coating making the tooth look like it’s made of gold. The top pair always hang out of his mouth while the lower one is hidden.

He has shorter nails more meant for prying than slashing. Though they’re surprisingly well manicured and painted white.

Daily life

100% a morning person. Wakes up all groggy but after brushing his scales he's peppy and ready to start the day.

Mammon hoards his shedded scales, after all they are gold. He puts them in an old vintage submariner foot locker, nearly rotted apart but he sticks random stickers or patches onto it to help keep it together. A lot of the time the brothers will just take the money they are owed from the chest and Mammon whines about it; however, if they're pissed they’ll pluck some scales from him painfully.

His scales get plucked often: by the sea witches to whom he owes a massive debt to, his angry brothers, even Solomon sometimes plucks them off like he’s a pez dispenser. Because of this he sometimes has very sensitive scaleless spots. They grow back within a day but it still hurts.

He joins Lucifer in patrolling their territory. He’s just as protective over his space as Lucifer is, and of course he wants to look out for his younger brothers, but he won’t admit that unless it gives him a chance to use pity points to get out of trouble.

Very particular about his scales. He wants them looking pretty and as bright as they can be. Contrarily, he doesn’t give the same treatment for his hair, calling running his hands through to get the tangles out good enough.

Life with you

If you show concern for his scales he’ll play it off like it doesn’t hurt and it's really just a bother, but it isn’t. If you continue to worry about him or even offer to help patch him up he will become much more protective of you. You treat him so kindly that he doesn’t want that to stop.

If he’s in a bad mood or he gets jealous of someone, he'll grab you and shove his face into your neck and twist till his face is thoroughly buried. He wants to smell you so he can calm down and basically scream at anyone who comes by that you are something very close to Mammon so don't you dare touch.

He’ll try to drag you around to join in his mischief. Joining him in gambling rings or minnow racing. He’ll insist you're a lucky charm, though he just likes your company. He loves to bear hug you if he wins big and he holds you above him in the water with a big smile on his face.

Another victim of random shiny gifts for you. He's more aware of it and brags about how neat it looks even if it's just some old mirror. He’s always trying to play up how amazing his little gifts are.

Leviathan

Appearance

His tail is very long, much longer than his brothers though it's thinner and has less muscle. His scales are ganoid shaped and colored the same color as his hair with a white underneath. During the night he has bright cyan bioluminescence circles on his sides. His eyes and tongue glowing as well with a very faint glow to his teeth as well.

He’s embarrassed about it but he has multiple random patches of scales around his face and he thinks it makes him look weird.

His fins are shaped much like a goldfish, even having a round double tail and flowing fins. He is the most delicate looking one. But if he gets angry he transforms into a gigantic sea monster and can cause storms.

He’s an omnivore so his teeth are small and much like a humans. They fall out if they get damaged but like a shark they’ll always grow back.

His skin is also counter shaded like Lucifer. Though more ashy gray color than his older brother. Unfortunately his bioluminescent colored scales, even though they pulse in brightness, make him much easier to spot.

Daily life

He’s a night dweller through and through and refuses to swim during daylight hours. He likes to dwell in deeper waters so the light isn’t too much for him; but he mostly likes to stay in his cave and obsess over his washed up anime knicknacks. Making sure to pluck away barnacles and clean the muck off.

Since he’s an omnivore he’ll eat whatever is nearby. He enjoys jellyfish and the deadlier they are to humans the more he likes them. He's unaffected by their venom. Though he’ll enjoy a crab or free swimming fish.

Leviathan does not like patrolling; he’d much rather leave the scuffling to everyone else so he can focus on more important things, like trying to dry out a keyboard in his open air room.

His room is open air and inside a cave that can be accessed by a nearby beach. Inside is a shrine to his collection and he’s always fawning over it.

He loves that he matches with his fish friend Henry. They are extremely similar in shape, even having similar tails. He has a fresh water tank inside so Henry doesn’t get too dried up from the salt water. Leviathan can handle both fresh and saltwater so sometimes he hops into the tank to swim near his friend.

He’s very self conscious of his scales, especially the ones on his face so he has to make sure they look nice. His hair has to be styled just right to distract them from his face. He has a habit of pulling his bangs down over his eyes when he’s flustered.

Life with you

Once he’s bonded with you he is constantly by your side and wanting to spend as much quality time with you as he can. He’ll be trailing you talking about the little curiosities he’s found. He whines about how he wants to go back to his cave but he won’t leave your side.

He’ll show you his collection of nicknacks and if you're able to set up a little television and gamecube he’ll be ecstatically waving his fish tail around like a dog. He’ll constantly beg you to play with him. He wants to CO-OP this game with you!

If he’s feeling cuddly that day he’ll float up to the surface and let you lounge on him and let the waves gently rock you both. He’ll hum old sea shanties he’s heard from sailors long ago as well as some anime songs from a series you enjoy together.

Expect him to drag you to his spots for finding his little curiosities, he’ll want you to help him scour the area and find more fun items. He’s very happy with whatever you bring and he’ll keep them around his nest.

Satan

Appearance

Satan is built similarly to Lucifer though his scales are more raised and spiny. His tail is a bright shamrock green which shifts to a seafoam green. He has a bunch of scales on the corners of his mouth and completely covers his cheeks.

His fins are long and have a crowntail shape that are tipped a deep black. When he gets angry his fins flare up making him look much, much bigger.

He has a flatter nose and bigger teeth like Lucifer. While they aren’t as sharp they are still dangerous if he’s mad.

His skin also glows in the bright morning sun and if he’s lounging around he’ll attract nearby small fish to swim around him enjoying the serene glow he has.

Daily life

He takes a long time waking up, and he’s not a morning person at all. He’s dazed for an hour or so until he’s fully awake, though he’s not much of a night person, more preferring midday.

He’s currently got the goal of piecing together the world’s true histories. Figuring out what happened to old forgotten cities, lost treasures, and destroyed civilizations. He has a long way to go and he treats this handcrafted book like a child, holding it far above the water.

He explores with random, yet reputable exploration teams. Helping them with identifying relics or gems. He’s earned a reputation for himself by doing this and is often approached to go on expeditions.

He is another type to patrol around his territory. He does it around midday though and hunts during these. He’s a carnivore and likes tuna and other free swimming fish, but refuses to eat squid and octopi due to how smart they are. He likes to feed nearby ones. Though they aren’t as cute as human world cats.

He’ll go to a human world pier and try to attract the local stray cats with his tail. He’ll leave them little gifts so now all the local cats come to the docks at a certain time to wait for him. He really wants to have a cat but sadly it’s a love that’s not meant to be, they are from two different worlds.

Life with you

He’ll enjoy taking you on expeditions. Showing you beautiful sunken landscapes very few eyes have seen before. He loves seeing your reactions to sights.

He enjoys learning your hobbies and trying them out with you. He’ll go out of his way to provide an accurate experience to what you're used to since he enjoys learning and experiencing new things, especially now that you're here.

He's another one that loves to rub his smell all over you. He’s just as bad as Mammon, his smell is all over every part he can get to and stinks of “back off, don’t touch” causing others to give you a wide berth.

He’s going to hang off of you every morning. If you're larger than him he shoves his face into your chest and tries to go back to sleep. He looks so different with his sleeping face, he looks peaceful in your arms. But if you're smaller he’ll flop onto you and try to use you as a pillow. He’s surprisingly warm and his underside isn’t as spiny and sharp.

He’ll want to introduce you to his octopi friends. Each one is named after a different sea or famous author. If you agree he’ll be delighted to take you there and let you play with them. Though he might get a bit jealous if you get along with them a bit too much. He won’t show his jealousy though.

Asmodeus

Appearance

He’s the most serine and delicate looking of all his brothers. His thin body has a bright cherry blossom pink tail and has long silky looking fins. His bright scales sparkle and shimmer and have a pearlescence to them. He has perfectly pure white scales patches on his tail as well giving a koi pattern.

He resembles a butterfly koi but with longer and frankly impractical looking fins. They flow around him weightless and they look like silk in the wind around him. Even his dorsal fin is long and flowing.

He doesn’t have any scales on his face and he looks perfectly human from the waist up. His skin has an angelic like glow and shimmers in the sun. He has a few freckles on his face, chest and elbows.

He has small pearly white teeth just like a human would, he’s very keen on keeping them perfectly white, just like his white scales, but his canines can extend like a cat flexing their claws.

Daily life

He wakes up to his internal alarm clock, which is scarily accurate. Bright eyed and bushy tailed from the moment his eyes open. Swimming around and preparing himself for another day, brushing his tail, combing his hair, and cleaning his teeth, all while chatting to whoever will listen.

He is a highly requested entertainer for festivals and celebrations. He’s invited to grand openings, large festivals, and even private birthdays to those who pay him well enough. His dances and singing is the best among his kind and can easily enrapture sailors let alone his own kind. His voice mixed with the way his fins trail behind him like long fans is an easy way to get hypnotized.

When he’s not booked for a celebration he’s helping Diavolo keep humans away from their city. He uses his voice to entrance anyone he deems a threat and can make them turn and forget why they were out here and what they saw. He doesn’t get into any of the violent stuff. That’s not his style.

If he’s not at home, he is always with someone. He’s like a fairytale princess with a crowd behind him, be they other mers or fish schooling around him. He always has a smile on his face and he’s not very quiet about how much he enjoys attracting an adoring crowd. At home he enjoys a nice relaxing self care session.

When he’s angry his canines poke out he doesn’t notice this habit of his, but it's usually because he’s extremely angry at the time and holds himself back.

He doesn't bother with patrolling and he’s not territorial in the slightest. He’s a lover not a fighter so his big brothers can handle any scary monster.

Life with you

He’s bringing you to all kinds of festivals and parties as his +1 every time. You’ll be able to experience all the wonders Diavolo’s kingdom has to give and he’s extremely happy to be there with you every single time.

He’ll use his charm to get you whatever you want. Did you want that cute seashell necklace? Or that shark tooth bracelet? He’ll approach the store owner, shake his tail and flirt a bit and it’s his now. Which he immediately hands to you with a huge grin on his face, telling you how well it suits you and how you make that item look even better.

He’s always trying to groom you in any sort of manner. Rubbing your scalp and smoothing your hair with his finger. Trying to rub thick creams into your skin, or rubbing pigment onto your nails to paint them. You're the only one he’ll do this for.

He needs to hold your hand at least 3 times a day and needs a kiss before he goes to sleep and he’ll break into your room if he doesn’t get them all. He’ll act all innocent but he knows exactly what he’s doing. He just likes being a brat so he can cuddle and love you.

He also gets upset if you smell like someone else so he randomly jumps you and cuddles you in his arms rubbing his cheek against yours and rubbing you with his tail and brushing all of his fins against you. If you check you can see his fangs sticking out when he’s jealous.

If you’re ever feeling down he’ll sing for you. Dance with you, twirling you around as if he’s the moon and you're the earth itself. He gets lost in the dance and by the time you're done you're both embracing and laughing.

Beelzebub and Belphegor

Appearance

While being twins they couldn’t be more polar opposites. Beelzebub has radiant skin that seems to glow even in the darker parts of the ocean and a long sunset orange tail full of powerful muscles and reaches the longest out of the brothers. His tail is smooth and has a cycloid scale pattern. Belphegor has the shark-like appearance some of his other brothers have. Counter shaded skin, flatter nose. But he seems to absorb the light around him making everything seem much darker than they really are. His tail is medium size and is pretty thin. His tail is a deep eggplant purple with black spots.

Both of them have matching fin shapes, their caudal fin being shaped like a swordtail guppy and the rest of their fins are wide and shaped like fans. Belphegor's fins are mostly black but with the same eggplant purple speckled in. Beelzebub’s are the same sunset orange.

Beelzebub’s face is free of scales but on the sides of his cheeks and around his jawline and down to his shoulders scales are clustered around. They are thick hardy scales making his neck his strongest area besides his tail, but he has a scar just under his chin.

Belphegor has a freckle-like pattern of small scales they scattered all around his face only one or two at a time. They’re much smaller than the ones on his tail.

Belphegor has extremely sharp teeth and while they’re small they’re serrated. Beelzebub has mostly human teeth, though his canines are much bigger and wider, he’s able to crush stones with those teeth.

Daily life

These two have been inseparable since they were young and it's a trend that is clearly there to stay. They may have a different schedule but when they go to rest they rest and sleep in the same nest.

Beelzebub helps teach the younger mers to fight. He’s been permitted to teach not only the royal guard but other everyday mers. He’s a proud teacher and he’s always trying to come up with ways to help each student of his even on an individual level, but that’s when he’s not eating.

He’s also the kingdom's best hunter, and a small team is sent out with him every once in a while to hunt down any monsters that come too close to their kingdom. Beelzebub ends up eating the thing before they get back though. The bigger and more ferocious they are, the better they taste. That’s what he says at least.

Belphegor is the kingdom's most talented astrologist. Unlike his twin brother though, he doesn’t put his skills to much use. He’ll help, maybe, if he’s not tired or if he’s in a good mood, but those chances are slim to none. Instead he’s actually a doctor.

He’ll laze around in his office and sleep on the table, but when a patient comes in he’s somehow able to look over them once and tell what’s wrong with them. Even his brother’s are confused how he can just wake up, take one look at someone and perfectly diagnose them.

He also seems to nurse others on an auto pilot. He barely has his eyes open and is able to patch up any wound he can find. Because of his talent yet lack of effort he has earned some ire from his peers. He doesn’t care though as long as he can keep sleeping on the job.

Many other Mer’s have approached him in hopes to become his apprentice but he’s ignored every single one. He’s too lazy to even try. Which many people think is selfish since he’s so skilled. Though he doesn’t care what they say.

Life with you

You will always find them not too far from you. Once they grew attached to you they began not moving too far from you. Sometimes they even drag you along with them so you can be near them. Belphegor is guilty of dragging you to his workplace more than Beelzebub, sometimes trying to trick you into keeping everyone busy so he can nap.

Beelzebub just brings you so he can keep an eye on you and give you hugs when he’s feeling a bit stressed. You can tell when he’s getting stressed because the longer part of his tail fin flicks back and forth. If you end up hugging him right when he starts he’ll end up holding you until you ask him to let you go. It always makes him smile if you do that.

They are both picky about having you sleep in their nest. Belphegor will complain and try to guilt you into their nest if you try to sleep anywhere else and Beelzebub will give you puppy dog eyes. They won’t stop until you agree, and they both coil around you when sleeping.

Beelzebub is very protective of you since he knows how monstrous things can be outside the kingdom so whenever he gets worried about you he pulls you by the hips closer to him. Belphegor simply just gets jealous of others talking to you and will rest his chin on your shoulder and stare at whoever is talking to you.

If you let him, Beelzebub will groom you. Brushing your hair is a favorite of his. He likes playing with it. If you were to return the favor by polishing his scales or even playing with his hair too he gets left in a great mood for the rest of the day. The smile he gets never leaves his face.

Belphegor when he’s feeling up to it will show you the stars at night. He’ll let you float on him or next to him and gaze at the bright night sky, untouched by light pollution or blocked by trees. Just the sounds of the open ocean and the two of you. Sometimes he’ll end up like an otter and fall asleep while holding your hand so you don’t float away.

#obey me #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me monster headcanons #lucifer x reader #mammon x reader #leviathan x reader #satan x reader #asmodeus x reader #beelzebub x reader #belphegor x reader

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americxn · 3 years ago

Note

The Evans + neck kisses 💜💜

headcanons for: kit walker, kyle spencer, jimmy darling, james patrick march, rory monahan, kai anderson (pre-cult, cult and prison), mr. gallant

warnings: NSFW, neck kissing, biting, hickeys, mentions of penetration/oral, swearing

kit walker

Kit adores both giving and receiving neck kisses.

He’s overly generous when it comes to pressing random kisses to the side of your neck throughout the day, knowing exactly what the small gesture does to you and chuckling as you bat him away with a playful glare.

You’re able to read his mood through the manner with which he attaches his lips to your skin, your body relaxing fully into his touch upon contact, the tentative scrape of his teeth against your skin pulling a shudder from you. Kit always notices the impact of his actions, smirking against your skin and attacking your flesh with more persistence; he is equally as attentive during sex, your moans only growing with fervour as the softness of his lips provides a perfect contrast to the sweet pressure of his cock thrusting leisurely in and out of you.

kyle spencer

Kyle isn’t really too bothered about giving you neck kisses. He’ll press a few quick ones to the side of your neck but there are many other places that he would rather be kissing and so he doesn’t waste much time on your neck before moving onto other areas.

He is into hickeys though, sucking them around the base of your throat, along your collarbones and across the sloping planes of your chest, enjoying the small noises that his careful ministrations pull from you.

Franken Kyle would immediately get hard when you kiss all over his neck, especially when you suck and bite on the spot beneath his jaw; he gets so hard immediately, melting into the warm wetness of your lips against his skin. Adores being marked by you, savouring the sharp pain of your teeth sucking bruises onto him, and loves the way they look afterwards.

Always begs you to give him more marks during foreplay and you can never find the strength within you to deny him, not when the small whimpers you’re able to draw from him with your lips are so pretty to your ears.

jimmy darling

Jimmy goes through phases of wanting to spend all day with his lips attached to your neck, wanting nothing more than for you to waste away the hours tasting his own skin, or completely abandoning the notion of neck kisses and going straight to fucking.

They’re a huge turn on for Jimmy though and anytime your lips stray even remotely close to his neck, your warm breath fanning onto his skin, it’s guaranteed that his cock will be buried in you within a matter of minutes.

Because you’re both performers, visible hickeys can be problematic; the others at the show take the unending piss out of the both of you when the small purple marks appear on either of your bodies, Elsa losing her shit and lecturing the both of you about the importance of professionalism.

When Jimmy is in the mood to grace the column of your throat with kisses, he’s gentle and thorough, tracing the tendons in your neck with hot, wet patterns, reducing you to breathlessness and neediness before he satisfies you with his fingers, tongue and cock.

james patrick march

James is more familiar with the skin of your neck than the back of his own hand and nothing gives him more pleasure than to dine on your sensitive skin for as long as he pleases, relishing in the noises his skilful ministrations pull from you.

He always rips off his own shirt whenever he is given the privilege of having full access to your neck, shuddering in delighted gratification when you walk your fingers up and down his scar littered spine, running your nails across the pronounced planes of his back whilst your breathing becomes laboured as he kisses, licks and bites the entire surface of your throat, each trail of your fingertips adding to the steadily growing hardness of his cock.

It is the definition of intimacy for James to have you surrender your neck to him, trembling in exultation as he works his mouth on your skin, scraping his teeth and flicking his tongue across the hot skin beneath his lips until you’re beginning him for more.

James doesn’t often permit you to subject the overly sensitive skin of his neck to the same treatment, jerking away from you the moment your lips brush against his skin with a bit too much persistence, shivering and shying away from your touch. He prefers you to be rougher with his skin, his mouth parting slightly if you use your teeth on him, biting forcefully and bringing dull red marks up onto his pale skin.

(also the big ass slice across his throat kinda gets in the way)

rory monahan

Rory definitely prefers to be on the receiving end of neck kisses and literally melts into your touch the moment your hot lips come into contact with his skin.

His hands come to tangle in your hair as soon as you begin giving the sensitive skin of his throat attention, his chin lifting to give you better access.

With Rory, it doesn’t take long before he becomes feverish with need, gripping your hips from your position astride him and forcing you up, moving you so that your knees are braced on either side of his head before returning the favour, your hands now coming to tangle in his roots as he feasts upon you, either taking you into his mouth or licking you with as much fervour as you licked up and down the column of his throat.

pre-cult kai anderson

Loves giving your neck attention with his mouth but is often too timid to initiate it. Knowing this, you are generous in your encouragement, taking his head gently in your hands and leading his face to the crook of your throat, offering him hushed praises as he works the soft skin of your neck with his warm lips.

He steadily gains more confidence, much to your delight as the gentleness with which he attends to your neck sends a flurry of excitement fluttering through you.

Although he adores your lips on his skin, becoming instantly engorged, the stimulation can be overwhelming at times, especially when you use your teeth to mark his skin. You know his boundaries and you know how much he loves being granted full access to your neck and both of you are more than happy to indulge to each other’s needs.

cult kai anderson

Kai will only kiss your neck if you ask for it, enjoying the way that your eyes avert his when you finally give in and request his lips on your skin, forcing you to beg before providing you with what you want.

He can be rough, using his teeth and biting hard enough to bruise, or he can be dizzyingly gentle, running his tongue softly across your throat and tenderly pressing his warm lips to your skin; there’s rarely any in between and you can never gauge which mood he is in until he shows you.

He’s very into hickeys, not only because of the noises he coaxes from you whilst sucking them onto your skin, but also because he likes you to display them at cult meetings, painting the underside of your jaw with them and watching with delight as the cult members eyes immediately flick to the marks when you enter the room.

prison kai anderson (the best kai anderson)

He secretly loves when you attend to his neck and covertly aches to feel your hot lips and tongue on his skin. Although he would never ask for it, you oblige him occasionally, usually when he’s generous enough to let you ride him, leaning over his body and attacking his neck as he thrusts up into you from underneath.

Hickeys aren’t really his thing, he dislikes the way the marks linger and feels as if they make him look submissive, which isn’t true. You’re occasionally able to sneak some onto his hips bones however, and he hisses in pleasure when you do, gripping onto the back of your head and forcing your mouth further onto his skin.

He is very attentive when it comes to having his lips on your skin, sucking and biting a sizeable collection of marks onto your neck and collarbones, biting down on your skin hard enough to break flesh, stopping only when you yelp out in pain, releasing his firm hold on your skin and licking softly over the hurt in contrasting tenderness.

malcolm gallant

Gallant takes his sweet time with your neck, dining on the supple dip at the hollow of your throat, licking at the bump of your adam’s apple at nipping at the soft flesh at the underside of your jaw.

Only when he’s reduced you to a panting mess beneath him will he progress down the planes of your body, lower and lower as you buck your hips into the hand he has cruelly rested on your hardening bulge, eventually granting you with the pleasure he made you so desperate for, following through with his hot mouth.

He gets equally as riled up when you get a turn at attaching your lips to his neck, knowing the exact spot that makes him whimper: the tender spot where his neck meets the slope of his shoulder.

It becomes a sort of competition, to see which one of you would be the first to become sated under the touch of the other’s lips, one of you smiling in victory against the skin they attended to as the other submits to the tongue licking intoxicating stripes up their skin.

taglist: @kitwalker02 @three-eyed-snail @forevercountess @kitwalkerangel @milly-louise @thecountessesglove @undeadcortez @kitwalker64 @samsassinparvismagna @xmaximoffic @divineruler @liandav @tatesweaterweather @evanmybeloved @tatelangdonsupremacist @ikkleroniekins (dm to be added or removed <3)

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sunkendreams · 3 years ago

Note

Hi I’ve also recently just opened up a slasher page!! And your writing definitely gave me some inspo!! But I’d like to send in a request! As of late I’ve been dealing with some anxiety and I’d like to see how some of the slashers would comfort their partner! If it’s okay may I request Michael, Bo and Vincent? If not that’s totally okay!! I hope you have a lovely day or night! Xo!

┊ 𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐓 ⠀ཾ༵࿇ ˼ — 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬.

┊ 𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆(𝐒) ⠀ཾ༵࿇ ˼ — 𝐦𝐢𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐞𝐥 𝐦𝐲𝐞𝐫𝐬 ( 𝐮𝐧𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐞𝐝 ) / 𝐠𝐧!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫, 𝐛𝐨 𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐫 𝐱 𝐠𝐧!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫, 𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐫 𝐱 𝐠𝐧!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

┊ 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 ⠀ཾ༵࿇ ˼ — 𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐞.

┊ 𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒 ⠀ཾ༵࿇ ˼ — 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭! 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐢𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐲, 𝐬𝐨 𝐈 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐝𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐭! 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞, & 𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠! 𝐈 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐫𝐞 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫, 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝! ❤️

*ೃ༄ ⠀𝐌𝐈𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐄𝐋 𝐌𝐘𝐄𝐑𝐒.

Michael is arguably the most indifferent individual, though seeing you visibly upset or distraught would evoke a pang of sympathy. He isn’t completely heartless, especially when it comes to you, the most important person in his life.

He hovers, and he won’t leave anytime soon. Michael will stand over you or beside you, and if you’re laying down, he’ll reluctantly pull you into his lap — don’t expect this very often, though. He’s very selective about when he wants to hold you.

Compassion isn’t his strong suit, but being there for you and presence is. If you’re wrought with anxiety, he won’t leave, even after you’re feeling better. There is still a streak of callousness when he regards your feelings, but he isn’t completely devoid of emotion. There’s something there.

Michael does make sure that you’re taking care of yourself through your anxiety. Eating, sleeping, showering. Once again, he likes to hover, watching you closely or from afar. He never cooks for you because of a lack of experience and disinterest, but he will stand and make sure you finish your meal.

Very rarely, he’ll tilt the mask up just enough, pressing a brief kiss against the top of your head or against your neck, somewhere harder for you to really see him. You never take those scarce kisses for granted, and in Michael’s eyes, he’s sacrificing a part of his own comfort in order to make you feel better.

He would do anything for you. If it happened to be a person who was the root of your problems & anxiety, they would die. Anything else would take some explaining, as Michael isn’t exactly keen on emotions. However, he’s willing to bend just enough for you without breaking entirely.

*ೃ༄ ⠀𝐁𝐎 𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐋𝐀𝐈𝐑.

If you’re anxious or distraught, Bo is the first to notice. In fact, it’s almost immediate. Despite his callous streak, he’s very attentive toward you and very observant. If the two of you have been together for a longer period of time, he’s quick to rush to your side and ask what’s bothering you.

Bo is the sort to comfort you without question, but his methods are somewhat awkward. He has his fair share of anguish and frustration in his own life, but his ways of coping were never healthy nor conventional. He does try his best with you, knowing that you deserve the best.

He’s more touchy than you thought he would be, soothing you with sweet, husky words and holding you close to him, stroking at your cheek or hair. Bo offers more physical comfort than he does verbal, letting his hands drift across your back in swirling patterns, rubbing against your shoulder.

Bo is a fantastic listener. If you’re one to vent or rant, even cry, Bo is always there to catch you, be the shoulder to lean on. He occasionally offers advice, but it’s fleeting. There is never a moment where Bo isn’t willing to set aside his tasks or own feelings in order to make sure you’re okay.

In order to relieve your anxiety/stress, Bo will take you for late night drives around Ambrose, letting you breathe the fresh air. He’ll usually keep the radio on for background noise and drive up to his favorite spot — a hill that overlooks the entire town. It’s very pretty, especially at night, and it’s usually effective at calming you down.

If you’re the sort of person who desires space when you’re anxious, Bo will honor that. He’ll always be nearby if you need him, but he’s willing to adhere to your needs before anything else, and if that means space for a little while, he’s happy to oblige.

*ೃ༄ ⠀𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐋𝐀𝐈𝐑.

Oh, Vincent. His methods of comforting you are a combination of physical touch and words of affirmation, or in his case, signing just how much he cares for you. There isn’t a single instance where he isn’t there for you, desperate to make you feel better, make you realize his adoration for you.

Vincent is rather sensitive and thoughtful to your feelings, especially your anxiety. His presence is typically soothing, but he’ll often go the extra length to ensure that your needs are met. If you desire touch as your comfort, he’ll scoop you up and hold you, face buried into the crook of your neck. If you want verbal comfort, he’ll sign away, perfectly content to shower you in sweet words and offer up advice.

He’s more than happy to do something with you to take your mind off of things. If that’s art, delightful! Vincent will find some scrap canvas and the two of you can paint away, or if that’s lounging around and cuddling, he’ll do that too. There is nothing this man won’t do for you, quite honestly. He’s lovely.

Despite Vincent’s normal routine of confining himself to the basement, he won’t hesitate to accompany you for fresh air or a change in scenery. One of his favorite places in Ambrose happens to be a meadow down the path from his home, a place he’d drawn and painted multiple times. The two of you will sit together and pick at flowers, and just maybe, Vincent will sketch you with flowers in your hair.

Vincent has his own share of anxiety, which is what makes him so understanding toward your plight. He’s far more sympathetic than Michael, and while Bo is sympathetic, Vincent is a little softer about it, and maybe more willing to offer you advice, too. He’s happy to talk to you about it, and he shares his own experiences in order to comfort you.

Similar to Michael, Vincent is very fixated on ensuring that you are taking care of yourself. If you aren’t, he does gently encourage you to, for both of your sakes. He’ll even go as far as to feed you himself with home cooked meals, peeking from around the corner to make sure you’re eating.

#michael myers x reader #bo sinclair x reader #vincent sinclair x reader #slasher x reader #michael myers x you #bo sinclair x you #vincent sinclair x you #house of wax #slasher fanfiction #halloween #sunkendreams masterlist

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jackalopedoodles · 3 years ago

Text

I don’t normally do this kind of content but @prof-peach opened up for OCs and I couldn’t resist! Jackie’s less of an OC and more of my self insert for the games but have her anyways! :)

Jackie is a tried and true Driftveil girl, and as such is pretty harsh. She grew up playing with the rock types that were often around there and getting lost in caves, and as such her trademark stubbornness grew. She’s the type to get lost and refuse to ask for directions, instead trying every single road possible until she stumbles on the right one. It’s slow and very much beating your head against a wall but it works and she has yet to see it fail her.

As soon as she was granted her first Pokémon she found her true passion. Pokémon themselves.

Her first Pokémon like many naive young trainers was a fire type, and by golly was it a hectic time in the early stages.

Her father had sent her a Pokémon from where he had moved, the Johto region, and as such Charcoal became her very first partner, a rather rambunctious cyndaquil who’d prefer to fight than hide.

Time has passed and she has managed to screw a bit more of a reasonable head on her shoulders now.

She’s stopped traveling, mostly after discovering the costs of constantly being on the move, and instead managed to settle into Dotaku Island. She’s not great with the grass types but that’s not why she’s there, let’s be honest.

While the island may specialize in grass types it also gets many rejects, and with those come many many fire. She’s the one to call when you have a fire type being too unruly or chaotic, where she’ll come in, scoop up the creature or tempt it away from where it can cause harm. She essentially does damage control, making sure no other Pokémon can be seriously hurt by the traumatized fire Pokémon that make their way to the island.

She’s got a lot of burns on her body, maybe a third of them from her younger years first dealing with fire types. The ones on her hands however are typically from her awful cooking, she’ll pull cookies out of the oven, realize there’s no space on the counters, and then just stand there holding them while they burn her fingers because she doesn’t know what to do and she doesn’t want to drop them or burn them by placing them back in the oven.

She’s had quite a few mistakes and the scars on her body are there to prove it but never once has she thought about giving up and stopping caring for Pokémon. She knows from personal experience how hard fire types can be to handle and she wants to do her best to give them all a second chance, to teach others the same stubbornness she has, to get them to care enough to stick past the burns and pain until you get to the Pokémon themself.

TEAM:

(Not pictured) Charcoal the Typhlosion

As mentioned before, Charcoal is a pokemon always raring for a fight, and at first that included with or without his trainers consent. For a while Jackie found herself running after her pokemon as he got into fights, at first scooping him up when he wouldn’t listen. Eventually the trademark burns on her upper arms happened, another incident where she thought the best way to stop Charcoal was to physically keep him from fighting and he reacted in kind by breathing fire on the arms that held him in place. Somehow Jackie managed not to drop the pokemon. Eventually the cyndaquil tired himself out and, with a bit of guilt on both sides, the two of them got down to coming to an understanding, Jackie admitting she’d take him out for more exercise and fighting as long as he waited for her permission before attacking somebody elses pokemon.

Now he’s evolved to a full Typhlosion where he follows his trainer around waiting for someone to look at them wrong so he can fight them. He helps her dealing with the bigger fire types who need a good smack before they can be calm enough to listen.

(Pictured) Rorsch and Tuskki, the twins, Espeon and Umbreon

Rorsch and Tsukki aren’t actually twins. That’s the first thing. Jackies first Pokémon she wanted to catch was an eevee, the tiny fuzzy Pokémon sounded like an amazing cuddle partner and an easy enough first catch, and she quickly managed to find and capture Rorsch. However on the train home she found an eevee, sleeping under the seats, angry and alone. She took the same train every night and eventually it became common sight for passengers to see the two reviews curled up around her sleeping form. She caught Tsukki and the two have been close ever since. They did everything together despite their very different natures, Tsukki brash and quick to judge and Rorsch calmly and logically.

When the two evolved (Tsukki first surprisingly and Rorsch the upcoming dawn) Rorsch made it a habit to clean up after both his trainer and his brother with his new psychic abilities and Tsukki used his unique patterning to light up the nights so the trio could always see where they’re going. They tend to stick quite close to Jackie and if you see the twins their trainer isn’t far away, while her other pokemon take to wandering a bit more.

(Not pictured) Chip a Kabutops

Chip is another abandoned pokemon, though Jackies meeting with him was a bit more aggressive than Tsukkis.

Fossil recovery is a newer process and not every trainer knows what they’re going to get. As far as Jackie can tell, Chip was recovered and the trainer was put off by his looks, so they released him out onto the beach. Unfortunately introducing any new pokemon into the wild where they don’t belong can be bad, especially if that pokemon is new to this world entirely and has no idea where he is or what’s going on. He lashed out a lot at the wildlife until he managed to secure himself a bit of a home, constantly fighting anyone who came near. Eventually Jackie heard tell of it and curiosity got the better of her. A few fights between Charcoal and Chip and a big hug for the scared pokemon and Chip felt much more comfortable leaving safely with Jackie then defending himself constantly.

He was already evolved when Jackie got to him, probably from his constant fighting. Now he wanders from Jackies side a lot, not comfortable with other pokemon, and instead can be found in the caves and beaches doing as he wishes until dinner time. He tries his best not to lash out to any other pokemon but he’s still scared he’ll have to defend himself and his new home and it’s hard to break that habit, so Jackie is more than willing to give him the space to just be alone. Besides, he always comes back when he needs a hug.

(Pictured) Sol (?)

Sols not an official part of the team in as much as he doesn’t have a pokeball, but he seems to have made himself part of it anyways. Jackie’s not sure how he managed to get onto the island or what his past is, but she is sure that he’s pretty young, quick to throw temper tantrums as he teethes his tusks, and practically stuck like glue to her ankles. The other pokemon have taken a liking to the tiny guy, as has Jackie, but she’s adamant to find his original trainer, if any, before she goes about adopting him permanently.

Hope you enjoyed, I know it’s very long but I was having fun writing it and getting some of my pokemons stories out on paper- er- digital paper.

#pokemon #prof-peach #professor peach #dotaku island #pokemon oc #doodles #Fanart #hope you enjoyed #some of these stories are years old #made them when I was a kid #hopefully i wasnt overstepping bounds #I like fire types and figured there was a need for a handler #too many grass types #too much danger #plus every fire type needs a hug #even if they burn you in the process

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potteresque-ire · 4 years ago

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This is a response to @rainbowsky ‘s questions about BJYX, as the original post got too long for reblogging (I hope this is okay!). 1) Should we be worried about GG and DD being outed? I often think about what it’s like to be in the closet and I know how it feels to need to be SEEN. But I also understand the reasons why that might not be an option for them. Still, I worry about them being involuntarily outed. There are so many antis after them.

2) What would you speculate is the likelihood of this ever happening, and what might be the consequences if it happened?Is leaving an option for them, even as a distant goal years from now?

3)Does their fame and popularity hold any protective power in the situation (i.e. if they were to come out or be outed, would public opinion about what might happen to them have any impact on the outcome given the nature of the regime)? To what degree would that depend on how much money they are still able to make for interested parties?

My response is under the cut, as it got long, as usual ~

@rainbowsky, you’re among the first BXGs I followed! I’d like to thank you for your insightful posts as well!

Your questions ~ I don’t think I’m qualified to speculate because I’m still a very new turtle and also because of the volatility as well as inconsistencies of China’s sociopolitical policies. I do have a better sense of China’s politics than most international fans, but I also don’t live there and the only way to truly understand how things work at the ground level in a non-transparent country like China is to be there.

(For example, China has officially banned Christmas celebrations for the last several years, but as we saw last week, commercials remain very “Christmas-sy” and Chinese fans happily said Merry Christmas to each other. It takes someone who lives inside to know where to draw the line — what is permitted by the state and what isn’t — when the line shifts and adjusts accordingly.)

Here’re my thoughts, as of today (2020/12/31): if the perpetrator is only some segment of the fandom and the purpose is merely to knock them off the popularity pedestal, outing isn’t a particularly effective way to do so. Homosexuality, being a highly regulated subject in Chinese news and social media, is likely to mean limit transmission of the accusations. The accuser also has to run to risk of being banned themselves first. Also, with BJYX + ZSWW + LSFY being the sizes they are, the people who will most consider turning against gg and dd, ie, the solo fans, have probably already heard something. Some will leave, but the news won’t be a bombshell to them.

The next possibility is if a legal case becomes possible, ie. if China suddenly outlaws homosexuality. This scenario may seem the most dire on the surface but is also one that I least worry about, because with China’s judiciary system being very biased to those in power, if someone wants to frame gg and dd, they do not need to use sexuality as the accusation and subject themselves to the same restrictions as mentioned above. Tax evasion, as @peekbackstage has mentioned with the actress Fan Bing Bing, is far easier, because it tends the turn the audience against the defendant: these stars are making so much money and yet they’re not contributing their share! And as long as the accusers have sufficient power — remembering that commercial and political power are married in the country — the accuser can make up any evidence to suit their needs for any crime.

The third possibility is what I see as the worst case scenario: that the government decides they don’t want their major stars / entertainment industry to be *perceived* as queer — whether the stars are officially out doesn’t matter — and signals the media and commercial companies to stop using any “suspect” star altogether. (Chinese term: 封殺). This is the case of career murder without blood — laws aren’t changed; all the fans will hear are rumours confirmed by nobody. I see this as a possibility because of the Xi regime’s view of The Ideal Men , and my admittedly limited experience with dealing with older generations of Chinese, who I’ve found tend to confuse perceived femininity in men with queerness. I think, and this is only my opinion, that the sheer amount of adapted BL dramas in production (the so-called “dangai 耽改 101” phenomenon) and the heated discussions of them on Weibo will at some point trigger the government (which is made mostly of older generations Chinese). Even if gg and dd don’t do anything, should the government decide these adapted BL dramas, even after the elimination of their queer element, are “non mainstream socialist core values”, all the major people involved with the Untamed—arguably the classic and the drama whose success all these follow-ups are trying to imitate—can be cast as the culprit. If the same officials become aware of BJYX and if they’re somehow convinced that BJYXSZD, it can be easy be used as evidence of the bad influence these dramas can do—“they can turn people gay”—and it doesn’t help that according to reports, gg, at least, used to have a girlfriend.

Something more to consider: Gg and dd are also in a very special position now, in that not only are they immensely popular in China, no other native mainland Chinese stars have achieved this level of international fame with a native mainland Chinese production (ie, not a production from Hollywood, Hong Kong or Taiwan, or with a Kpop band). As such, they are likely subjected to high levels of scrutiny from the state. Depending on who’s in charge in the appropriate department, they may decide gg and dd have to be China’s image; they may have a set idea of what image it is and most likely, it won’t be queer. 2021 and the first quarter of 2022 are special times for China, image wise, both at home and abroad. 2021 is the 100th anniversary of the Chinese Communist Party, and gg and dd are both starring in its propaganda productions (dd as a police in BAH and gg as an army officer in AT). CCTV, the state-controlled TV station, is already promoting these shows. So, for 2021, gg and dd are slated to not only be the faces of Chinese entertainment, but also the image of Chinese uniformed forces. If gg and dd come out or are outed, their allowing themselves to be being perceived as queer while donning uniforms will most likely to be viewed by the current regime as an embarrassment; a career murder, then, is an apt response to such transgression. 2022 is the year of Beijing’s Winter Olympics, so again, it’s the time where image matters.

You may have noticed a pattern, as I have as I write this up: them being outed is something to worry about, but also ... nothing more than anything else. If someone wants to tear gg and dd down — and there will be, given their massive commercial power right now and the increasing evidence that they’re working more like collaborators than competitors (ie, they aren’t about to tear each other down any time soon) — they do not need their sexuality as a reason.

(And if these accusers really want to use homosexuality as a reason, the unofficial BTS is, IMO, more than enough, as long as the accusers have sufficient power.)

Your other question ~ can gg and dd’s fame, popularity, and ability to draw consumers protect them? My (slightly) educated guess of the answer, then, is that it’s very much a double-edged sword. Indeed, the one major thing that may be going for these adapted BL dramas, and for those who come to superstardom to it — with gg and dd being the prime examples — is the economic health of China, which, by some reports that can no way be verified, are far worse than what has been reported. This is the thing about countries lack transparency; without reliable news, there’s no way to get the facts. Reports on China outside the country tend to be either propaganda or demonising / filled with conspiracy theories, and the truth is probably somewhere in between. If the reports of poor economy are true, the commercial sector — which, again, is tied to those with political power; ie the money made in the former goes into the pockets of the latter — desperately needs stars like gg and dd to move products (based on those recent consumer reports!) and with that, it will want to keep gg and dd and these dramas that can potentially make more gg and dd around. This *seems* to be what’s happening so far, with the the state-run media happy to show gg and dd’s dramas (when it should know, at least, that they got to the height of their fame playing lovers-not-lovers) and gg and dd’s sponsors not-so-subtly wooing the BJYX segment of fandom, so I’m tentatively optimistic. However, the current regime has also shown a willingness to sacrifice the economy for the sake of political ideology, so it’s not something to be taken for granted. (What’s going on in Hong Kong is a good example of that.)

(I always think, eat each candy like it can be the last one. With this regime, it can be. We can wake up tomorrow and gg and dd have to break up BJYX to protect the fans.)

(I always think, treasure, treasure, treasure. Ask for more dy and lz and Weibo posts, but never anymore from gg and dd when it comes to insights of their relationship, even without considering it’s actually their private lives and they’re under no obligation to share.)

(They’ve shared with us far more than enough.)

There’s really no precedence for us to predict the future of an outed gg and dd from, as far as I know. Confirmed queer stars in Chinese entertainment (those with sufficient followers to make news) have all been from Hong Kong, Taiwan and other countries. The successful BL dramas before The Untamed — Addicted (2016) and The Guardian (2018) — didn’t have a real-person cp that truly took off. Addicted, a true BL drama (ie, it retained the queer elements), was banned before it finished its broadcast. The two actors were also banned from appearing together afterwards, and this “signal” from the government almost cost the two actors their career. Bai Yu from The Guardian, meanwhile, already had a girlfriend as he filmed, so there was never a Weibo supertopic dedicated to him and Zhu Yilong. gg and dd, along with their millions of turtles, are treading untrodden ground.

Something I should clarify ~ all the things I said above may sound very scary to international fans, but to those who live in the country, they understand it as the way things are, and they strategise and move accordingly. This is their way of life. What I wanted to say, in my first reblog, is that we who’re outside may not understand why they do things the way they do, why they don’t, for example, come out with all the candies they are spending so much effort to give out, but I do believe that gg and dd have a plan, not in the sense that they’re scheming or trying to trick anyone, but that they are moving things along at the pace necessary to meet the pre-requisites for the outcome they want. What this outcome is is anyone’s guess, mine being that they have the freedom to work together, not necessary in lover’s capacity — most of us are not required to perform our day jobs carrying our identity as so-and-so’s significant other and gg and dd shouldn’t be exceptions — but as colleagues, professionals and friends (lovers are friends).

To some international fans, this may sound implausible, ridiculous: why do they need a multi year campaign for something as simple as this? As working together again? And I suppose, all these words I’ve typed so far is my attempt to answer this question, to ease the … unease, the frustration of those who may not understand. True to its marxist root, perhaps, many things that are considered mindless, effortless tasks elsewhere somehow become battles, grand struggles of sorts in China. That sea of sea lights on the night of Tencent awards, for example? It was the result of gg’s fans fighting, strategising in real time to smuggle those LED banners in when they realised the venue had forbidden their entry. They wrapped the banners around their bodies under their underwear because they were patted down by security at the underwear level; they hid batteries in their shoes. They ran batteries from one zone in the stadium to another during the whole show for whose who only managed to smuggle in banners or batteries. They fought the security guards inside the stadium, who continued to snatch away their banners even after seeing they were merely support material for the idols. They fought and fought, despite their identities were recorded by their COVID pass and facial recognition. Many confessed they had no idea what gg was singing during the show; they were too busy. They were there, some paying scalpers > 10x the ticket price, just because they promised the sea of red would be there for gg when he returned. When some realised dd’s banners were confiscated in high numbers because his fans happened to have seats right by the strictest security, they improvised, found an image of a green block to show on their cell phones to make makeshift green support lights for dd. They used Weibo to spread this trick to fellow fans. All these trouble, all these effort, all these planning and scheming and sweat and tears — all for one night, one concert and they laughed about it, called it a wonderful day.

(There are many ways for lives to be hard.)

The very first thing gg and dd need to accomplish, therefore, isn’t to announce what they do in the bedroom—the very first thing they need, for their plan to come to fruition, is to stay on top of the industry. How can they be on the same stage for the yearly Tencent Awards if either of them fails to make VIP? What’s their negotiation chip for a future collaboration, when the current norm is against cps like them working together again, if they cannot draw enough viewers and consumers, or if they offend Tencent and other media companies by refusing to see to the needs of the other side (for example, the need to promote new dramas)? So far, the two of them have accomplished this in flying colours. The other thing they need right now, the way I see it, is for their fans to get along. I think part of the reason they’ve made BJYXSZD so easy to believe in and love, in addition to their very human need to be seen when their careers may be safer otherwise (yes, I think they know what they’re doing, the candies they’re throwing), is because they want their fans to unite, as they have united. To make sure something like 227 cannot happen again, or at least, if it does happen again, their fans cannot be used as an excuse, as scapegoats. And this union is happening — slowly, but it’s happening. The size of BJYX (>2.8 million as of now, on Weibo supertopic) is a powerful indicator; I also had a wonderful time reading the comments of gg’s solo fans who went to purchase dd’s new song. This is the part gg and dd need their fan’s help. This is the one of the fews things we, as overseas fans who have limited access to their products, can help.

Your final question — sorry, this is getting so long again — about leaving. Of course, it’s always up to the government and It’s impossible to say what can happen so far ahead. But my perception, right now at least, is that gg and dd have no intention to leave, no intention to sacrifice their career for their personal lives and vice versa. After all, this is a pair who has answered those A vs B choice questions with a straight-faced “I want both” and “so annoying” without a follow-up reply. They’re right to want both. I like them for wanting both. And maybe, with their intelligence, charisma and hardwork and ambition and personalities that seem to clash but somehow complements each other’s, they will figure out a way. Maybe they are, as the Chinese turtles call them, the Chosen Pair, and they will be the ones who’ll change the perception fo queer artists in China, and we’ll one day get a biography about them and laugh at the candies we get right, laugh harder at those candies we get totally wrong.

(Dd ~ I want your honest opinion, in your own words, on the ones we get wrong.)

(Gg ~ videos of your expressions while reading the crazy theories the first time will be very much appreciated. By me.)

It’s a good day to look forward to.

#bjyx #yizhan #pie metas

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demonslayedher · 3 years ago

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Ramble on the Limitations of Looking for KnY Interpretation based on Japanese Mythology

One thing I notice a lot in the Japanese side of KnY fandom theories is a lot of deep dives into religious and mythological reasons behind Gotouge's creative choices. It is super interesting stuff, and Gotouge borrows enough and does homage to enough that there is a clearly a solid knowledge base there. While I find historical details handy for interpreting the characters, ultimately, I find that the canon of demons and Breaths can be interpreted in a vacuum without relying too heavily on the uncanny coincidences lurking in deep dives. This isn't going to be a well-supported essay, this is going to be a ramble that may include a bunch of interesting nuggets. (And then she went on to ramble for 3249 unedited words...)

First things first: I'm a nerd. I like to say I broke the weeb scale a long time ago, but I'm not exactly a university professor or anything like that. That said, I do read a lot of stuff from experts who have jumped on the KnY trends to talk about how elements in KnY are taken from, say, the sword making traditions of the Okuizumo region that results in black swords or simply making comparisons to famous swords, or local legends of supernatural encounters that resulted in split rocks, or comparing specific oni with and the heroes who slayed them or at least comparing elements of specific characters to other famous oni legends, or that Hinokami Kagura is based on a specific Shinto legend and has 12 forms based on existing Kagura traditions, etc. And I love reading this stuff, because I wouldn't had learned about some of it without my interest in KnY leading me to those articles, or as I read it I cheer because they're making references to things I already (as a nerd) really enjoy and therefore it strokes my inner echo chamber bias, or I nod along and think, "oh, yes, why of course, that makes total sense, Hinokami Kagura must be based on the dance Amenouzume performed to enticed the Sun Goddess Amaterasu out of the cave, how silly to think it could be based on anything else" but I then also take a step back to think, "...but it also doesn't have to be." For as many similarities as there to existing legends, it feels to me that Gotouge made it a point not to make specific reference to any particular mythological or religious elements. As an example, Gotouge considered titles with reference to a Shinto fire god named "Kagutsuchi" but never made actual reference to any fire god (or sun god) by name in the finalized direction canon took. Granted, a lot of fan theorists have read into that, going so far as to say because Nezuko's fire powers she represents Kagutsuchi, Yoriichi represents Amaterasu, etc., but while I find the idea of borrowed elements makes for highly interested interpretation of canon, one-to-one comparisons really don't work for this series. By not invoking a name like Kagutsuchi in the title or otherwise, Gotouge succeeded in not being boxed in by the canon of any particular deity. (Granted, "canon" for mythology can vary significantly by whatever historical writings you're looking at, with standard interpretations going through many big changes throughout the centuries. It can be as loose as it is limiting, depending on what sort of historical/mythological/religious figure you're talking about.) I feel there's more evidence of this avoidance by never invoking Amaterasu as a deity, despite the emphasis on the power of the sun in slaying demons. Even looking back and trying to figure out who Akeno placed so much faith, it was only called a "god of sunlight" as opposed to a "sun god." It's as though KnY works with a generic approach to religion. Even if the use of Buddhist element, the Nenbutsu prayer is called such, and Himejima's repeated phrases are legit Buddhist practice, but there is a huge variety of Buddhist sects and practices and theologies, and throughout history, many of them didn't get along. Going back to Akeno and wondering if she might had been Buddhist, I went so far as to suspect she was influenced by Nichirin sect philosophy based on its emphasis on the "Nichi" (sun) representing Japan and incorporating Shinto gods into its philosophy, and for its likely influence in the Kanto area in Akeno's time period, and for its encouragement for the salvation of women and therefore popularity among women. I felt pretty satisfied that it was all lining up, but also, none of this is necessary for a quality interpretation of canon. If Gotouge wanted to say specifically what informed her religious conviction, then it would had been said. But that's not what was important, was it? What was important, and therefore focused on, was Akeno's feelings toward her son and wishes for his sake.

While KnY's worldbuilding feels richer with all the clear religious influence, the details are not actually important. If anything, I feel like Gotouge dove into the heart of the elements of, say, Shinto mythology, and played those core elements up. It's different, yet still familiar, to take sun-associated elements and used them in a way that serves the story without being boxed into existing traditions. The sun is clearly important, and once you start looking for it, you find subtle recurring references to it. Like, Akeno's name? The "Ake" is one way of writing "red," and there are all sorts of uses of other ways of writing "red" throughout the series, in everything from the sand used for making Nichirin blades to the way that Haganezuka calls Tanjiro an auspicious "red" child with a very rarely used kanji. Our commoner main characters, though, just use regular old ways of saying "red" when referencing Tanjiro's appearance without thinking deeply into it, like there's something special right in front of them but they don't recognize it. Similar to how something as special as Sun Breathing was hidden right in front of them in Hinokami Kagura, with a name so generic and simple that it's entirely unsurprising that the Taisho era Kamado family would interpret it as "fire god." The very lack of limiting real-life details is what allows Gotouge to sprinkle these deep touches around, cover them up with branches and leaves, and then sit back and wait for readers to stroll through and invitingly pleasant looking field and then trip and fall down a rabbit hole. This is also what I think gives Gotouge the freedom and malleability to work with the sun in a way that serves the story, especially in ways that tie it to fire. While I don't think there's strong ties for this is general Japanese culture, the way canon is written implies a close tie between fire and the sun as being a very closely related element, hence the influence on the Kamado family, Tanjiro's appearance, his suitability for Sun Breathing based on a history of tending fire for careful charcoal burning, and Tanjiro and Nezuko capability as demons to overcome the sun. Here is where I go into a bit of a tangent about the purification element. This, again, is not strictly tied to any particular Shinto canon (and Shinto does place heavy emphasis on purification), but instead is an example of Gotouge getting to the underlying heart of a lot of common religious elements. Fire is associated with spiritual purification in everything from Buddhism to Catholicism, it's very easy to apply Nezuko's fire abilities as something which burns away something evil (demon poison) so as to purify something good (human flesh, or even other physical substances). Maybe lesser known, but very deeply entrenched in Japanese culture, is the purification element of charcoal. While it may be known around the world for soaking up undesirable elements and therefore used in everything from fish tank filters to treating food poisoning, in Japan, there's a bit of a spiritual side to it as well. For something so closely tied to the way of life for citizens throughout hundreds of years of history for everything from cooking to heating the home, it's unsurprising that quality charcoal would receive as much emphasis as good water and rice. Japanese charcoal is especially known for not producing undesirable smoke or odor, making it appropriate for use in a lot of settings. Charcoal farmers have often not just been that; they've been caretakers of the forest. Keeping the right trees, at the right sizes (both for use as charcoal and for how you pack it together when making charcoal), and in the right numbers to ensure you have stock for coming years, requires management of the forest. (Other tangent side note: many of the other names in the Kamado family are references to plants. Sumire both has the "sumi" sound of charcoal and is the word for violet, Kie is in reference to hollyhock, Nezuko is in reference to red beans (and the asanoha pattern of her kimono is in reference to hemp leaf, an

auspicious symbol of strong and quick growth), Takeo is in reference to bamboo (ironically bamboo can be a problematic plant for charcoal farmers, because it may spread too fast and take resources from other trees--stop stealing all the takuan pickles, Takeo!), Hanako is in general reference to flowers, Shigeru is in general reference to (plants) flourishing, and maybe by the time they got to Rokuta they gave up and said "he's our sixth child, let's just call him 'Six-Boy', lolz." BUT I DIGRESS.) That means the Kamado family not only had careful management of fire in the actual days of charcoal production, but of a wide variety of natural resources to ensure the trees were healthy. Natural weather phenomena, clean water, pest control, minerals from rocks getting into the soil, hmm, so many elements to pay attention to. Hmm. These sure sound a lot like other Breaths. And Breaths all stem from Sun Breathing. That means there may be certain elements of Sun Breathing that have been emphasized in each of them, but none of them encompass so many qualities of the natural world. The natural world which Yoriichi saw with such clarity than nature accepted him with open arms, practically, in how well animals took to him. Sun Breathing, while especially using that all-important purification aspect of sunlight which burns evil demons, is like an all encompassing embrace of nature. While being closely tied with fire is hugely important, there's more to it than just flames. While Shinto is very much so closely tied with nature (the extent to which this is emphasized may vary from shrine to shrine, scholar to scholar), what I see in KnY is a clever use of emphasis on spirituality in nature as opposed to emphasis on Shinto mythology. And I think that was a smart move. While stories based more directly on various theologies, mythologies, and religious ideologies often use those building blocks often wind up having very creative takes on them (even and especially with the confines of them), ultimately, the story of KnY is whatever Gotouge wants to do with it, and it does not seem guided by the specific conventions of more specific religious elements. But again, those deeper elements are still everywhere. You know what color Japanese charcoal burns? It's a gorgeous jewel tone red, spanning many of those rare shades of red Gotouge make reference to. And, in wider Japanese culture, red is the color of the sun (as opposed to how other cultures may represent it as yellow or orange or white or so on). (Not as exactly a KnY tangent, just personal: Japanese charcoal is so freaking pretty, I had no idea until I saw it used in the tea ceremony at parts when guests crowd around to enjoy the sight of it as the host prepares it for boiling the water. I can stare and stare and stare, it is so so so so so pretty, but also this element of the ceremony has gotten rarer both as many places have made a more practical switch to electricity, and tea ceremony quality has gotten more rare both due to fewer producers and due to beetle-related damages to the trees used, and I will always state HOW DISAPPOINTED I am that Kanata and Sumihiko are not out there raising charcoal, because charcoal is precious and I'm always so terrified of wasting charcoal in my practices because its so precious, but seeing the amazingly beautiful burn of the charcoal is absolutely one of my favorite elements of the ceremony and this of course gives me an extra soft spot for Kamado Tanjiro BUT I DIGRESS AGAIN, I TOLD you this was going to be a ramble, but SERIOUSLY IT IS SUCH A GORGEOUS RED).

So anyway. My point is, as interesting as incorporating outside elements may be, I don't find them necessary in interpreting KnY's canon. Even if it takes tons of Taisho Secrets to do so, Gotouge presents the details necessary, and that's more than enough to work with. After all, despite all the care taken in historical details in building the setting, KnY takes place in a fictional universe, it can make its own rules when it comes to things that don't actually exist in our universe. Demons, for example, follow a chronology and power system with sources and limits that is unique to a this universe, as tempting as it is due to general cultural familiarity, it does not call for a one-to-one comparison with existing demon legends. Breath as well, as a power system, is very interesting. Again, this is because it has a lot of basis in core concepts of real life physical and spiritual training. It's presented as a method available to anyone who can pick it up, not drawing on a mystical outside power or summoning the actual superhuman elements of nature. Other stories that present their power systems like that are well and fine, but when it comes down to it, this is a story about mere humans doing everything in their limited power to wave swords around and defeat creatures that seem so likely to outpower them. This is a common, relatable basis of stories throughout history, and a lot of analysis I've heard of KnY's success says that it shows how classic this story structure is. Many Japanese demon stories have their origin in epidemics, and some people suggest that the world looks for hope in stories like KnY in times of seemingly insurmountable crises like coronavirus. I think that's an oversimplification of KnY's success, but again, because of Gotouge's use of core cultural elements, it can be applied easily. OKAY BUT ON THAT NOTE we can do some really interesting digging if we want. : D Gotouge does make some highly specific references, included religious ones (granted, not in ways that impact the plot). The example coming to mind is the Seventh Form of Thunder Breathing, the "Flaming Thunder God." In Japanese, this is "Honoikazuchi-no-Kami," the name of a lightning deity who had a very, very brief mention in the Kojiki and who appeared among a handful of other lightning deities named in reference to other aspects/phenomena of lightning, like the sound or the rumble through the ground. Honoikazuchi is not so much the lightning itself, but the fires started by lightning. Stick with me a bit longer, I'm building up to something here. You've probably heard of the twelve animals of the Chinese (poorly translated as) Zodiac, right? Well, the system is way more complex than that, and really, if you want complexity, skip Japan and go dive straight into ancient China. I laugh and cry at myself for having a graduate degree in Chinese studies, the extent of my knowledge is is pitifully small, I know nothing, nothing. Suffice to say, China has its own five element system of water/wood/metal/fire/earth, it's more a philosophical application than a more physicality-based four element system popular in the west (fire/water/air/earth, why hello there, Avatar), with attributes of these elements assigned to every about anything through Chinese culture, from medicine to, you guessed it, the Zodiac animals. Japan saw all this and said "cool, we'll do that too" albeit their sort of mixed and matched a bit and made their own take on it in Onmyodo. An Onmyoji, who keeps track of, like, really any other-worldly matter you might have on your hands as a Heian noble, is someone who is paid to know all this stuff (it was very likely an Onmyoji who told the Ubuyashiki clan, "yeah, you got an evil family member to blame for your curse, squash him"). Yours Truly is not an Onmyoji and therefore will not attempt to go into more detail, save the one that a handful of Japanese theorists in the KnY fandom love to bring up: The Boar is a water sign. This means that, especially in Shinto practice, boars are considered an animal that protects against

fire, hence, a lot of practices to protect against fires were done on days of the Boar, in the month of the Boar, etc. So? So-o-o-o-o-o? You see it? You see it??? Boar = Water, Honoikazuchi = Fire, Inosuke and Zenitsu are basically foils to Tanjiro? Yes, yes, see it, yessss??? Deep dive Kamaboko theory, yes?????? Hahahaha. Naw. It's just a fun coincidence. ^_^ Again, I find these details completely unnecessary, for we are already given so many details in canon to work with on its own, and I think Inosuke and Zenitsu as foils to Tanjiro works entirely well simply based on their personalities, not because of any supernatural elements that require a high level of nerdery to have any hope of appreciating. Besides, once you start reaching too hard for cultural details Gotouge might have used and clinging too tightly to those ideas, there's likely something in canon to make it doubtful. For instance, Inosuke more widely presented as a king of the forest who wears deer and bear hide as well, and the fanbook state that Beast Breath is considered a likely offshoot of Wind Breathing. Even if we rely more strictly on historical detail, there's still the question of, say, what one of the basic Breaths, Thunder Breathing, even was when it was but a thunder inspired sword form not necessarily powered by Breath, you know, back when swords were longer and it would have been harder to make the fast draws katana would later be better suited for. Maybe they called it Thunder because it was practiced by swordsmen who stomped around really hard, and then when they added Breath technique, they figured out "oh dude, we can use our strong legs to go fast"??

Those are the kinds of things I find more fun to play around with in interpreting canon by bringing in little outside details, because as a work of fiction, there are already so many fun details to work with already even when treating it in a vacuum. But, giving Gotouge extensive and subtle use of cultural elements, especially core elements, it sure makes a lot of outside details applicable. Which is all to say, it's all super interesting, and I think the more people realize these things, the deeper they read into it, to an extent more than canon calls for. As much as I like it, and as much as I've enjoyed pulling outside elements in to fanfiction (like Kagutsuchi and lightning god tidbits), ultimately, if Gotouge thought these things were necessary, they'd have been included. Since they are not, I try to stick to canon details and Word of God-touge in answering Asks (lolz, I didn't plan on becoming a meta blog, it just kinda happened). BUT ALSO, JEEZ, I AM SO EXCITED IF PEOPLE TAKE A DEEPER INTEREST IN JAPANESE CULTURE BECAUSE THEY LIKE KIMETSU NO YAIBA, YOU CAN HAVE SO-O-O-O-O-O MUCH FUN PLANNING A TRIP TO JAPAN AROUND KNY THEMES, DO IT DO IT DO IT, GO TO YAGYU AND POSE IN A TANJIRO HAORI AND STICK YOUR SWORD IN A SPLIT ROCK, THE LOCALS THERE LOVE IT, DO IT but also like maybe learn about the tea ceremony and appreciate how beautiful the charcoal is with me k thx bye

#kny fandom theories and meta #sooooorta #kimetsu no yaiba #demon slayer #am I a Pillar or a Demon?#neither #I am but a nerd

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todomitoukei · 4 years ago

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Japanese vs. English Todoroki - A 301 Comparison

Finally, for the first time since this manga has begun - and it only took 300 chapters to get here - we get an entire chapter that is solely about the Todoroki family! As I read through the chapter and started to type down the Japanese text, I asked myself which scenes I should translate. And so here we are with me having translated every single line. With that, this is a long post. Long. You have been warned. So let’s get right into it:

The chapter starts out with a flashback to Endeavor speaking with Rei’s father to get his approval to marry Rei:

「次期No.1の呼び声高いエンデヴァー様からお声掛けいただけるとは夢にも思いませんでした！僥倖の極みにございます！！」

「次期 ; jiki 」-> next term

「No.1 ; nanbaa wan 」-> number one

「呼び声高い ; yobigoe takai 」-> being widely talked about as a prominent prospect (for)

「エンデヴァー様 ; endevaa sama 」-> Endeavor-Sama

「から ; kara 」-> from

「お声掛け ; okoegake 」-> greeting; approaching (someone)

「いただける ; itadakeru 」-> receive (potential form)

「とは ; to wa」-> adds emphasis to the prior word/phrase

「夢にも思いませんでした ; yume ni mo omoimasen deshita 」-> I never dreamed that; not in one’s wildest dreams

「僥倖 ; gyoukou 」-> good fortune

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「極み ; kiwami 」-> height; extremity

「に ; ni 」-> at

「ございます ; gozaimasu 」-> to be

= “I never dreamed that we would receive greetings from Endeavor-Sama, who is widely talked about as a prominent prospect for the next term’s Number One position. We are at the height of good fortune!!”

It’s kinda sad if the height of your good fortune is meeting Endeavor. I also wonder how he reached out to them? “Hi, I need a wife with an ice quirk, do you have one?” How did he even search them? Is there some kind of registry that tells you which family has which quirk?

Anyway, we then learn a little about Rei’s family:

「氷叢もかつては名家と呼ばれた由緒ある家柄にございます故―

トップヒーロー様の伴侶としましては充分に釣り合いがとれるものと。。。」

「氷叢 ; himura 」-> Himura

「も ; mo 」-> also

「かつて ; katsute 」-> once; before; formerly

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「名家 ; meika 」-> noble family; distinguished family

「と呼ばれた ; to yobareta 」-> was called

「由緒ある ; yuisho aru 」-> prestigious; with a long history

「家柄 ; iegara」-> social standing of a family; lineage

「に ; ni 」-> from

「ございます ; gozaimasu 」-> to be

「故 ; yue 」-> reason; cause; circumstances

「トップヒーロー様 ; toppu hiro sama 」-> Top Hero-Sama

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「伴侶 ; hanryo 」-> spouse

「としまして ; to shimashite 」-> to take as

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「充分に ; juubun ni 」-> sufficient; enough (the ni turns this word into an adverb)

「釣り合い ; tsuriai 」-> balance

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「とれる ; toreru 」-> to be attained (of balance)

「ものと ; mono to 」-> shall; to assume; understood as

= “The Himura family was also once called a noble family. It’s a lineage with a long history - so to take her as a top hero’s spouse shall be a sufficiently attained balance.”

Something I would like to note here is something that is difficult to properly translate, which is the politeness level. There are a lot of different politeness levels to show the different social ranks. We don’t know how Rei’s father normally speaks, but he probably talks politely here to show respect to a top hero, which also makes this seem more like a business deal rather than a familiar conversation with your future father-in-law.

Anyway, we then get a little bit of narration from Endeavor:

「氷のような女だった」

「氷 ; koori 」-> ice

「のような ; no you na 」-> similar to; like

「女 ; onna 」-> woman

「だった ; datta 」-> was

= “She was a woman like ice.”

Ah, the classic “this woman doesn’t immediately worship me so she has no feelings” attitude. Not that I can say that I’m surprised he’d say something like that. And look at her. She looks so unhappy! Why are there people reading this chapter and claiming that this wasn’t a forced marriage when she looks like that? She clearly didn’t truly want this herself. This is also confirmed in the next line:

「“個性婚”である事も承知の上で。。。。。。家の為に俺の妻になると言う。」

「個性婚 ; koseikon 」-> quirk marriage

「である ; de aru 」-> is; be

「事 ; de aru koto 」-> nominalizes the preceding phrase

「も ; mo 」-> also

「承知の上で ; shouchi no ue de 」-> being aware of; taking something into account

「家 ; ie 」-> family

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「為に ; tame ni」-> for the sake of

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「妻 ; tsuma 」-> wife

「になる ; ni naru 」-> to become

「と言う ; to iu」-> to say

= “She is also aware that this is a quirk marriage... she says she will become my wife for the sake of her family.”

De aru is a formal way used to express that someone is explaining something and makes it a neutral, official-sounding statement.

It’s not entirely clear to me how she knows that this is a quirk marriage, though. Did Endeavor just tell her? Did he tell her father? Does she just know?

It still leaves me baffled how some people read this sentence and came to the conclusion that it wasn’t a forced marriage just because she agreed to it. I’m actually kind of sensing a pattern here: first, we learn that Rei agreed to have more children, so people claimed she wanted to have all these kids with him. Now, she apparently wanted to marry him out of her own will. I cannot stress this enough, but please please understand that if you do something “for the sake of your family” or generally for the sake of someone else, it doesn’t mean you actually want it yourself. If you live your life basing your decisions on what makes the people around you happy, you will not be happy. It’s one thing to be selfless, but another to never live for your own sake.

The only reason Endeavor decided to have a wife, specifically Rei, was for his own selfish goals. And the only reason Rei agreed, despite knowing she was being heavily objectified and reduced to her quirk here, was to please her family. However, this in no way indicates what her true feelings are.

「。。。花が好きか」

「花 ; hana 」-> flowers

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「好き ; suki 」-> to like

「か ; ka 」-> question marker particle

= “... Do you like the flowers?”

A pretty straight-forward sentence.

「はい。とても綺麗。」

「はい ; hai 」-> yes

「とても ; totemo 」-> very

「綺麗 ; kirei 」-> pretty; beautiful; lovely

= “Yes. They’re very pretty.”

Can I just say that she looks so sad here? There is something very lonely about her expression and the way she looks at these flowers. I’ve mentioned it before in another post, but the flowers Rei likes so much are Rindou, and the meaning of them is “I love you who is sad”, “justice”, or “sincere; faithful” - this would probably be more something to talk about in a separate meta on Rei, but I think maybe she identifies with those flowers in a way? She doesn’t seem happy - and granted, who would be in her situation? Maybe her whole life has been sort of dictated by her family and about pleasing them instead of ever being truly happy. These flowers are a common theme in terms of their relationship, so it’s likely that here, she is the one who is sad and maybe she just wants to be loved despite knowing this marriage isn’t based on love. She might still be hopeful that it will turn into love eventually and for now, she just enjoys the thought that someone might love someone as sad and unhappy as her.

「強く。。。しかし触れれば溶けて消えてしまいそうな。。。」

「強く ; tsuyoku 」-> strong

「しかし ; shikashi 」-> however

「触れれば ; furereba 」-> to touch; to come in contact with (conditional form)

「溶けて ; tokete 」-> to melt

「��えて ; kiete 」-> ; to vanish

「しまい ; shimai 」-> to do something completely

「そうな ; souna 」-> it seems

= “Strong… however, she seems like she would completely melt and vanish if I touched her.”

Then… don’t. Anyway, as mentioned in other posts, a verb + shimau means either that something that was done was regrettable or that it was done completely. Shimai is the polite version of this same concept. Back to the present:

「冷。。。！おまえ。。。大丈夫。。。なのか」

「冷 ; rei 」-> Rei

「おまえ ; omae 」-> you

「大丈夫 ; daijoubu 」-> alright

「なのか ; nanoka 」-> question marker particle seeking an explanation

= “Rei…! You… are you alright?”

The no itself is already a question marker, but men often add ka to it to make it more ~manly~

「大丈夫じゃないよ」

「大丈夫 ; daijoubu 」-> alright

「じゃない」-> am not

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

= “I’m not alright!”

I’m not sure what kind of answer he expected, to be honest, but I think we can all appreciate Rei here. The official translation did a good job capturing that emphasis of yo by having her say “Okay? No, I’m not.” which bolds her statement a little more.

「だから来たの」

「だから ; dakara 」-> that’s why

「来た ; kita 」-> came; arrived

「の ; no 」-> explanatory particle

= “That’s why I came.”

Other people have already pointed out how this line is similar to All Might’s catchphrase, which is 「私が来た」 - watashi ga kita. Obviously, she doesn’t say that exact line - although that would have been absolutely hilarious to see, just imagine you see your wife after ten years of her being in a mental hospital because of you and your obsession with your rival only for her to quote your rival’s catchphrase at you? Iconic! Anyway, it still has that same feeling to it.

Another thing worth noting is how much her expression here differs from the earlier flashbacks.

The panel of her looking at the flowers is a high-angle shot, which is used to make the subject seem inferior and looked down on. Additionally, that shot is from Endeavor’s POV, which is to give us a sense to show us how he viewed her - inferior. He is the hero and he is the one planning on using her to gain more power for himself. He made the decision to get a wife and thus initiated this whole relationship.

In this panel, though, we look at her with an eye-level shot. This is a neutral perspective, so it’s neither a superior or inferior situation, but there is still a specific atmosphere being created, usually done to make the viewer connect with the character and sort of having the character’s emotions be projected onto the viewer, especially in uncomfortable scenarios. To intensify this, we are staring directly at her. In the flashback, she is also turned to the side, so we don’t see her full face. Instead, she is avoiding eye contact and instead, is looking down at the flowers. Showing a character from the side creates a distance and makes it less clear what the character truly thinks.

But here, she is fully facing the viewers and staring directly at us. As mentioned before, this angle is meant to make you feel what the characters feel, especially when there’s an uncomfortable atmosphere. So here, when she says “That’s why I came” it’s supposed to make you uncomfortable. The “I am not alright” isn’t because her supposedly dead son turned out to be alive and a villain - she is not alright because of all the pain each of them endured for the past decade because of Endeavor. She lost ten years of her life, precious time with her kids, missed seeing them grow up, because of him. She wasn’t able to be there for them because of him. So no, she is not alright. But now she is out. And now she can finally regain some power. Power she never had in this relationship and possibly never had in her whole life. But now she is here. She is here because she feels guilty for what happened to her son, but she isn’t going to just give up. She is holding herself accountable, but she is making sure Endeavor knows he is the culprit. He is supposed to be uncomfortable and so should you (to understand that Endeavor is not the victim here) and anyone who sees that panel and thinks she is being supportive of him here? She isn’t.

I’ve seen a lot of people either claim that she is supporting Endeavor here or people say that she is being too soft on him here. While I don’t really see how this could possibly be her supporting him, I definitely do agree that Horikoshi seems to avoid wanting anyone directly pointing a finger at Endeavor, which is odd considering throughout the whole story everyone in the Todoroki family has always only ever blamed Endeavor. Dabi made it very clear in his broadcast that he wants to destroy Endeavor, Shouto always blamed Endeavor for his scar and for Rei being in the mental hospital, Natsuo can’t even have one dinner with Endeavor because he has always been neglected by him and because he blames Endeavor for what happened with Touya - rightfully so, by the way, Touya being alive doesn’t exactly change that Endeavor destroyed Touya. And given how Horikoshi writes female characters in general, it’s not really surprising that the only ones who don’t actively speak out against and blame Endeavor are the women of the family.

But while I do think that Horikoshi is toning down on that here and I don’t wanna give him too much credit, we should also keep in mind that this is the first time in ten years that Rei talks to him. Just a few months prior, when Fuyumi and Natsuo visited her, she said that she was still afraid to see him. I think it’s actually more realistic that she isn’t yelling at him or anything like that, yet is still able to at least put him in his place and remind him that this isn’t about him.

And that’s the other reason why I think it makes sense she reacts the way she does. It’s not about him, but this is also not about her. The last line of chapter 300 was saying “I’m here to talk about our family and Touya.” This isn’t about any of them individually except for Touya (more on that later). So if she gave an entire speech here about how much pain Endeavor has caused her and how he took ten years of her life away, this simply isn’t the time. Instead, she is prioritizing Touya.

Could she be a bit more clear that Endeavor is the culprit who caused them all a lot of pain and trauma? Yes, apparently she needs to say this more clearly considering how many people absolutely fail to interpret this correctly by claiming they are a happy family. But it’s not the most unrealistic way to write her here, either.

But let’s move on to Dabi and where the main criticism for the official translation comes in:

「だいぶ焼けたな。。。」

「だいぶ ; daibu 」-> considerably; greatly; a lot

「焼けた ; yaketa 」-> burned

「な ; na 」-> sentence ending particle; usually used to seek confirmation

= “Burned a lot, huh…��

Someone recently pointed out to me that Dabi’s staples might actually just be there for him to check how much his scars are spreading. And that really does seem to be the case now as he has simply moved them to the new edges of the scars. The new burns aren’t yet as intense as the rest, so I guess those aren’t skin grafts that need to be held in place, after all, but just his skin heavily burned?

As mentioned above, na gets used at the end of a statement to seek confirmation, however, it can also be used in a more rhetorical sense to make a sentence less assertive in order to simply introduce a topic in a more casual and less abrupt way.

「何も感じねぇ」

「何も ; nanimo 」-> (not) anything

「感じねぇ ; kanjinee 」-> not feeling

= “I don’t feel anything.”

The normal negation of kanjiru (to feel) is kanjinai. Changing the nai into nee is a more casual form, but it can also be used instead of nai to add more emotion/feeling to what is being said, which is kinda ironic in a sentence talking about his inability to feel anything.

Dabi generally uses both forms (nai and nee) for negation so it’s hard to say if this is just him negating a word or if this form gets used to put more emotion to it, though it’s probably a mixture of both considering he is just lying there and reflecting on the situation.

More importantly, this sentence reminded me of what he said to Shouto in chapter 292 「そうだよ焦凍。兄ちゃん何も感じなくなっちまった。」- “That’s right, Shouto. Nii-Chan has completely stopped feeling anything.”

While the line from chapter 292 is referring to his mental state, he is now talking about his physical state. So basically, Dabi is completely numb - both physically and mentally. Fun times!

「あいつは俺の親父だ。あの程度で死ねるようなタマじゃねえ。例え死にたくても立場がそれを許さない。」

「あいつ ; aitsu 」-> he; that guy

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「親父 ; oyaji 」-> dad

「だ ; da 」-> be

「あの ; ano 」-> that

「程度 ; teido 」-> degree; amount

「で ; de 」-> by; of

「死ねる ; shineru 」-> to die (potential form)

「ような ; youna 」-> like; similar to

「タマ ; tama 」-> person (when commenting on their nature); character

「じゃねえ ; janee」-> isn’t

「例え死にたくても」-> even if you want to die (例え...ても + 死にたく)

「立場 ; tachiba 」-> position; situation

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「それ ; sore 」-> that

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「許さない ; yurusanai 」-> doesn’t allow

= “That guy is my dad. He isn’t the kind of person to die from something of that degree. Even if he wanted to die, the situation doesn’t allow that.”

A few things to note here:

First of all, and I know this is a big shocker to us all, and it does pain me to say, but he does not say “adios” here. He really just says “want to die” and, although this is such an unimportant change it’s just really annoying to constantly see him being translated in such a weird way. Even minor changes like this one just make him sound strange. Dabi is someone who chooses his words carefully, so it really does alter people’s perception of him when he suddenly starts speaking like that. Does anyone actually talk like that?

“He isn’t the person to die from something of that degree” - Here, Dabi uses “tama” which is usually written in Kanji, but is written in Katakana here for emphasis. More importantly, though, this is a derogatory term.

Anyway, that sentence follows after the obvious statement of “That guy is my dad” - which isn’t new information to us, but this is the reason why he concludes that Endeavor hasn’t died without actually having that confirmed. He is able to tell how much damage Endeavor can take, possibly also stating here that as long as Dabi himself doesn’t die from his attack, Endeavor also wouldn’t have died. So much for his self-confidence! The “dear old dad” in the official translation yet again sounds a bit odd. It might be used to make a more clear distinction between otousan and oyaji, but much like boku and ore (male pronouns), you don’t really need to make a distinction in English because it’s just something unique to Japanese, and trying to translate it results in something like “dear old dad” which just makes the character sound weird because no one says that in English.

“The situation doesn’t allow it” - while the fan translation went for “I won’t allow it” the official translation went for “His position won’t allow it” - all of which are different statements. It’s hard to determine which of these is correct since there isn’t a pronoun used here. The reason I went for “the situation” is because it seems like he is referring to the current state the country is in. We’ve already been shown how much damage has done and the “I am not here” statue shown in the previous chapter is a good summary of that. Although it’s unlikely that Endeavor could do much to make things go back to how they used to be before the reveal, the country is still waiting for his statement, which will further impact the situation. If he died now, it would probably be the end for heroes, whereas him being alive and trying to somehow save the country could bring a little hope back to the people. So basically, the future depends on him (not really, but that’s the general idea here).

「そろそろ表に出てくる頃合いだ。」

「そろそろ ; sorosoro」-> gradually; soon

「表 ; omote 」-> surface

「に ; ni 」-> to

「出てくる ; detekuru 」-> to come out; to appear

「頃合い ; koroai 」-> suitable time; good time

「だ ; da 」-> be

= “Soon it’s a good time to come to the surface.”

Much like the rest of the country, Dabi is clearly also awaiting Endeavor’s statement to the public so he can plan his next move.

Something to note here is that these two panels use the thinking speech bubbles, so we have two different kinds of internal monologues from Dabi in this scene: interior monologue and soliloquy. Soliloquy refers to a speech given to oneself out loud, which is why this is commonly found in plays in order to show what a character is thinking since you can’t make the audience hear the character’s thoughts otherwise.

An interior monologue gives us readers immediate access to a character’s unfiltered thoughts. Since we don’t exactly control our thoughts, we often jump from one thought to another without explaining how we got there. So when Dabi thinks “That guy is my dad.” followed by “He isn’t the kind of person to die from something of that degree.” - he doesn’t have to go into an elaborate explanation as to why the second sentence is the conclusion of his first statement because he just knows.

A soliloquy isn’t too different as the character is still their own audience. However, this style is often used to amplify a character’s thoughts, in a way signaling that they can’t keep their thoughts inside anymore so instead they just come out of the character’s mouth. Using these two styles here emphasizes the soliloquy even further. While his interior monologue is a reflection of what happened and tells us that Dabi already knew he wasn’t going to kill Endeavor back then, the soliloquy part focuses more on his actual feelings. This last part of his interior monologue, where he concludes that Endeavor will have to face the public soon, serves as a trigger of his following excitement, highlighting his obsession with making his dreams of ruining Endeavor come true.

「早く惨めな面が見てぇ楽しみだ。ここまで長かった。」

「早く ; hayaku 」-> soon; quick (adverb)

「惨めな ; mijime na 」-> miserable

「面 ; men 」-> face; mask

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「見てぇ ; mitee 」-> to see

「楽しみ ; tanoshimi 」-> anticipation; looking forward to

「だ ; da 」-> be

「ここまで ; koko made 」-> so far

「長かった ; nagakatta 」-> was long (time)

= “I’m looking forward to seeing your miserable face soon. It’s been a long time so far.”

Here we have another case of the official English translation making him talk in ways no one talks. Aside from the “pathetic mug” part, Dabi doesn’t say “damn” - considering swear words aren’t really a thing in Japanese anyway. But he’s also generally not really talking in a rude way here, it’s just a pretty straight-forward sentence. To be honest, I think the reason why certain characters (i.e. Dabi) get written like that™ is to add character and distinguish them from less casual-speaking characters? To show that this is a character that’s a bit on the rougher side? Even so, he doesn’t actually talk like that, and trying to make him sound rough in every single sentence is a bit of an overkill. I get that he’s dramatic, but that still doesn’t mean that he speaks like he never read a normal book.

To quickly bring up the soliloquy again: You can see with this sentence that this is far more subjective. “Soon it’s a good time to come to the surface” was somewhat objective as the whole country awaits Endeavor’s public statement to this situation. But “I’m looking forward to seeing your miserable face soon. It’s been a long time so far” is subjective. The public might not necessarily care about a hero being exposed. But Dabi cares because to him, this whole reveal is personal (obviously). This plan has been in the making for around ten years, whereas the rest of the country was unaware of the truth about Endeavor up until a few days ago.

「轟炎司。お母さん。冬美ちゃん。夏くん。。。。。。焦凍。」

「轟炎司 ; todoroki enji 」-> Enji Todoroki

「お母さん ; okaasan 」-> mom

「冬美ちゃん ; fuyumi chan」-> Fuyumi-Chan

「夏くん ; natsu kun」-> Natsu-Kun

「焦凍 ; shouto 」-> Shouto

= “Enji Todoroki. Mom. Fuyumi-Chan. Natsu-Kun….. Shouto.”

While we can’t exactly blame the official translation for not including these suffixes, the distinction with Shouto doesn’t really show in the translation at all. Endeavor is an obvious one in either version - addressing your parent by full name indicates a distance as this shows no signs of familiarity. Much like his other siblings (I will talk about this at some point in a separate post) he calls his mom okaasan, a pretty normal way to say mom. As the older sibling, he wouldn’t have to use a suffix for any of his siblings, but this can - especially in a case like this - show familiarity. Aside from the many many dots representing a small pause he makes before even naming Shouto almost like he initially forgot about him, Shouto is also the only one only being called by name without a suffix, so the distinction becomes far more pronounced. It’s obvious that Touya, Fuyumi, and Natsuo grew up together and spent a lot of time together, thus he still uses these suffixes. But Shouto is just… Shouto. There is no relationship between them and the many dots just show this distance between the two.

「俺を見てくれ地獄の底で。」

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「見てくれ ; mitekure 」-> please look at me

「地獄 ; jigoku 」-> hell

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「底 ; soko 」-> bottom

「で ; de 」-> in

= “Please look at me in the depths of hell.”

The kure at the end of mitekure gets used when asking a favor from someone.

The official translation yet again sounds a bit weirder with the “Take a real good look at me” when kure is more of a “Please look at me” which sounds less assertive. Anyway, Dabi is clearly trying to state that his life is hell and now they get to see it, too. At the end of the chapter, Rei says that she and Endeavor both didn’t look at him before and there are several times during the flashback where Touya says “look at me!” which is all a summary of where this whole thing went wrong: Touya was in pain, and he made it known that he needed help and that he wasn’t okay, but both his parents ignored that. And so now his broadcast forces them to look at him. Forces them to look at what happened as a result of them ignoring his pain before. It’s not just to show the civilians how their heroes aren’t all that heroic, but more importantly, it’s so that someone can see his pain. He’s not giving them a choice, either. Though people - both in bnha society and in the fandom - write Dabi off as annoying or continue to refuse to see him as a victim, it really doesn’t matter because what he has accomplished is making people experience his pain. He is damaging society just how society has damaged him. Just how his father said “you’re not good enough” it’s now Dabi’s turn to say the same thing to him and society.

Dabi is already in the depths of hell, yet so far his family didn’t know that. But now they do and now they have to face the facts.

「せっかく休みなんだから“個性”訓練付き合ってよ！！何で急にダメとか言うんだよ！！」

「せっかく ; sekkaku 」-> after all the effort

「休み ; yasumi 」-> rest; holiday

「なんだから ; nandakara 」-> so

「“個性” ; kosei 」-> quirk

「訓練 ; kunren 」-> training

「付き合って ; tsukiatte 」-> to go along with; to follow someone’s lead

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

「何で ; nande 」-> why

「急に ; kyuu ni 」-> suddenly

「ダメ ; dame 」-> no good

「とか ; toka 」-> and so on; such as

「言う ; iu 」-> to say; to mean

「んだ ; nda 」-> used for emphasis when information has been shared

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

= “You have a day off, so come do quirk training with me after all that effort!! Why do you suddenly say things like it’s no good!!”

Sekkaku doesn’t have a direct translation, but here it emphasizes that an opportunity has come up (Endeavor having a day off), which would be a shame to waste by not spending it with training. The nanda in nandakara is a preliminary remark, which can be used to get the listener’s attention to the conclusion that follows after. Again, these are nuances that you can’t necessarily translate. But at least little Touya talks more like a normal person than Dabi.

「何度も言ったろう。おまえの為なんだ。」

「何度も ; nando mo 」-> many times over; often

「言ったろう ; ittarou 」-> told; said

「おまえ ; omae 」-> you

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「為 ; tame 」-> advantage; benefit

「んだ ; nda 」-> explanatory particle

= “I’ve told you many times. It’s for your benefit.”

The tarou ending in ittarou is used to add an accusatory tone to the phrase, so it shows somewhat of an impatience/annoyance here. Imagine being Touya. You always look forward to your training days with your incredible dad. And suddenly, he keeps canceling on you and just says “it’s for your own good” - kids aren’t stupid, and they know when they are treated as though they were. So it’s obviously frustrating that his dad just gives him weak excuses instead of being honest with him. And it’s not like Endeavor is seeking an actual way to help Touya. All he does is go to the doctor, gets told that Touya’s body and quirk don’t match, and then his solution is to stop training him. It’s one thing to be a concerned parent and keep your child away from harm, but it’s more important to think about how you keep them from harm and whether or not you ensure that they know that failing doesn’t mean that they are a failure. Problem is, Endeavor can’t tell him he’s not a failure since Touya is a failed project so he does, in fact, see him as a failure.

If you take a quick look at Touya, you can see his hair is only now starting to get a few white spots. It’s difficult to determine the exact timeline of things, but it’s obvious that this takes place only shortly after his hair first started turning white, which means that Endeavor went to the doctor pretty quickly. And yes, he says this is for Touya’s sake but remind me again why Touya is born? Oh right, for Endeavor’s sake! Anyway, moving on to the doctor’s office:

「珍しい例ですね。。。炎の個性因子はより色濃く引き継がれているのですが。肉体はお母さんの方を強く引き継いでしまってるんです」

「珍しい ; mezurashii 」-> rare

「例 ; rei 」-> instance; case

「です ; desu 」-> to be

「ね ; ne 」-> sentence ending particle; used to seek confirmation

「炎 ; honou 」-> flame

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「個性 ; kosei 」-> quirk

「因子 ; inshi 」-> factor

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「より ; yori 」-> than

「色濃く ; irokoku 」-> strongly tending to

「引き継がれている ; hikitsugareteiru 」-> inheriting (present progressive passive form)

「のです ; no desu 」-> explanatory particle

「が ; ga 」-> but

「肉体 ; nikutai 」-> the body; the flesh

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「お母さん ; okaasan 」-> mom

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「方 ; hou 」-> type

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「強く ; tsuyoku 」-> strong (adverb)

「引き継いでしまってるん ; hikitsuide shimatterun 」-> completely inheriting

「です ; desu 」-> to be

= “A rare case, isn’t it? The flame quirk factor is more strongly inherited, but the body is strongly and completely inherited from the mother’s type.”

In the last part, we once again have the verb + shimau constellation, which always either indicates that something happened regrettable or completely. In a way, both meanings apply here since Touya’s body fully takes after Rei’s constitution, but this is also obviously regrettable since it’s a waste of his strong fire quirk. In the official translation, he just says “he takes after his mother physically” which doesn’t really carry either nuance.

「つまり。。。炎への体制よりも氷結。。。寒さに適性のある身体なんです。」

「つまり ; tsumari 」-> that is to say; in other words

「炎 ; honou 」-> flame

「への ; e no 」-> particle that describes the word that follows using the direction towards the word that comes before

「体制 ; taisei 」-> order ; system

「よりも ; yorimo 」-> in comparison to; rather than

「氷結 ; hyouketsu 」-> freezing; freezing over

「寒さ ; samusa 」-> coldness

「に ; ni 」-> for (purpose)

「適性 ; tekisei 」-> aptitude; suitability

「のある ; no aru 」-> there is

「身体 ; karada 」-> body

「なんです ; nandesu 」-> explanatory particle

= “In other words, it’s a body with an aptitude for the cold rather than being a system to the flames.”

Considering all the support items the heroes have, I feel like they could have found a solution to this. Dabi’s current coat helps cool him down, so why did Endeavor not think of something like that?

「まア。。。デザインじみたことはね。。。この“個性”時代禁忌なんで。。。やめといた方が。。。」

「まア ; maa 」-> well

「デザイン ; dezain 」-> design

「じみた ; jimita 」-> like

「こと ; koto 」-> thing

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「ね ; ne 」-> sentence ending particle; used to seek confirmation

「この ; kono 」-> this

「“個性” ; kosei 」-> quirk

「時代 ; jidai 」-> period

「禁忌 ; kinki 」-> taboo

「なんで ; nande 」-> because

「やめ ; yame 」-> to stop

「といた ; to ita」-> to do something in advance (contraction of te oita)

「方が ; hou ga 」-> should; it’d be better to (used to give advice)

= “Well… design-like things, huh… because this taboo of the “quirk” period… It’d be better to stop in advance.”

I feel like a normal doctor should maybe inform someone that this Top Hero is having a little eugenics project on the side. Maybe also call Child Protective Services. But since we’re all assuming this doctor is Dr. Ujiko, it’s not exactly surprising that he left it at “giving advice” which he is just as good at as Endeavor. Those two would truly get along well.

「なんと今日は６２もの市町村を救いました！オールマイトがいる限り我々が悪に屈する事は決してないでしょう！！」

「なんと ; nanto 」-> what…!; surprisingly; believe it or not

「今日 ; kyou 」-> today

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「６２ ; 62 」-> 62

「も ; mo 」-> emphasizes the number

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「市町村 ; shichouson 」-> cities, towns and villages

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「救いました ; sukuimashita 」-> saved

「オールマイト ; oorumaito 」-> All Might

「がいる ; ga iru 」-> there is

「限り ; kiri 」-> as long as

「我々 ; wareware 」-> we

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「悪 ; aku 」-> evil

「に ; ni 」-> to

「屈する ; kussuru 」-> to yield; to give in

「事 ; koto」-> nominalizes the verb it attaches to

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「決してない ; kesshitenai 」-> never; by no means

「でしょう ; deshou 」-> used to express certainty

= “What! Today, 62 cities, towns, and villages were saved! We will certainly never give in to evil as long as All Might is there!”

The mo after the 62 implies that 62 is a large number and granted, that is a lot of places to save in one day.

「燈矢。おまえならオールマイトを超えられる。」

「燈矢 ; touya 」-> Touya

「おまえ ; omae 」-> you

「なら ; nara 」-> on the topic of; if

「オールマイト ; oorumaito 」-> All Might

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「超えられる ; koerareru 」-> to surpass (potential)

= “Touya. You can surpass All Might.”

Let’s move on to some sibling interaction, though:

「冬美ちゃん。ちょっと火傷するくらいなのにさ！全然がまんできるのにさ！」

「冬美ちゃん ; fuyumi chan」-> Fuyumi

「ちょっと ; chotto 」-> a little

「火傷する ; yakedo suru」-> to burn

「くらい ; kurai 」-> used to describe a state, situation

「なのに ; nanoni 」-> even though; although

「さ ; sa 」-> emphasis particle

「全然 ; zen zen 」-> entirely; completely

「がまん ; gaman 」-> bearing (something)

「できる ; dekiru 」-> be able to

「のに ; noni 」-> used when complaining to someone

「さ ; sa 」-> emphasis particle; also used to let out emotions

= “Fuyumi-Chan. I only burn a little! I am able to endure it!”

Noni is something that roughly translates to even though, and usually gets followed with a second part of the phrase, but that follow-up part can be left out when you can understand it from context. So in that first part, he’s basically saying “Even though I got burned a little, I can still do this so he shouldn’t stop training me!” The second noni is used as a way to complain about the situation (= “Even though I am completely able to endure it, I get treated like I’m weak.”)

「俺の身体のことは俺が一番よくわかってるんだ。」

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「身体 ; karada 」-> body

「のことは」-> nominalizes the preceding phrase

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「一番 ; ichiban 」-> the most

「よく ; yoku 」-> good (adverb)

「わかってるん ; wakatterun 」-> to understand; to know

「だ ; da 」-> be

= “I am the one that knows my body the best.”

We don’t know how fast his hair color was changing, but this is probably a few months after his hair first began to turn white. So at this point, Endeavor already knows that Touya’s body and quirk aren’t compatible yet still hasn’t bothered to come up with a solution. Instead, Touya keeps training. It’s odd that no one seems to try and properly stop him and make him understand that training isn’t good for him.

「でも冬美も燈矢兄ボロボロなの心配嫌っ。」

「でも ; demo 」-> but

「冬美 ; fuyumi」-> Fuyumi

「も ; mo 」-> also

「燈矢兄 ; touya-nii 」-> Touya-Nii

「ボロボロ ; boroboro 」-> worn-out (physically); tattered

「なの ; nano 」-> this particle functions as a substitute for a noun (= his body)

「心配 ; shinpai 」-> worry

「嫌っ ; yaa 」-> casual no

= “But Fuyumi also doesn’t [want to] worry about Touya-Nii [being] tattered.”

Me too, Fuyumi, me too.

「冬美ちゃんにはわかんねーよ！女の子にはわかんねンだ！」

「冬美ちゃん ; fuyumi chan」-> Fuyumi-Chan

「には ; niwa 」-> as for

「わかんねー」-> doesn’t understand

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

「女の子」->

「には ; niwa 」-> as for

「わかんね」-> doesn’t understand

「ンだ ; nda 」-> explanatory particle

= “Fuyumi doesn’t understand! Girls don’t understand!”

The n in nda is written in Katakana, once again for emphasis.

Also he looks so adorable the way he is marching out of the room there. Tiny Touya.

Still can’t believe some people in this fandom apparently were never (around) kids and somehow drew the conclusion that Touya is sexist. What a great takeaway from this entire chapter! Anyway, that’s just how kids talk - and definitely something brothers say to their sisters - but I’m pretty sure if he tried to say something like that now Fuyumi wouldn’t let him get away with it. But she’s like 2 (?) here, so not like she cares. Oh and… if you think “a girl wouldn’t get it” is sexist, then wouldn’t you also have that same energy in regards to a man solely getting a wife to use her as a baby-maker-machine, and then after putting her into a mental hospital proceeding to turn his only daughter (who was only created as emotional support person for her older brother) into a replacement for the mom? Yeah, I’m really surprised little Touya would say something that could be considered sexist...

「心配ちてんのに！！」

「心配ちてん ; shinpai chiten 」-> worrying

「のに ; noni 」-> used when complaining to someone

= “I’m worrying!!”

Here, little Fuyumi-Chan is basically complaining that Touya-Nii is mad and says she doesn’t understand, even though she is just worried about him. Everybody say “Thank you, Fuyumi!” for caring about Touya. Now, moving on to the actual sad panel:

「俺はもう「超えたい」って思ってるんだ！火をつけたのはお父さんだ！」

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「もう ; mou 」-> already

「超えたい ; koetai 」-> want to surpass

「って思ってるん ; tte omotterun 」-> thinking

「だ ; da 」-> be

「火をつけた ; hi o tsuketa 」-> ignited

「のは ; no wa」->

「お父さん ; otousan 」-> dad

「だ ; da 」-> be

= “I’m already thinking ‘I want to surpass him’! Dad is the one that ignited that flame in me!”

He is crying! Already! He acted tougher before walking away, but now that he is facing away from Fuyumi, the tears start rolling in a very defensive way. It’s basically him knowing that he can’t live up to his father’s expectations, but this is what he wants. He “wants” to surpass All Might, but it’s Endeavor who ignited that fire in him. Kids oftentimes have one parent they are closer to and sometimes even look up to. For Touya, that’s obviously Endeavor. He wants to make his father proud and wants to be what his father wants him to be.

Clearly, he’s always been very smart and also very self-aware. He’s always known his limits, but also back then refused to admit to it because he still had hope that he would somehow be able to be this incredible hero, despite his limitations. He wasn’t willing to just give up back then, and even now in the present time, he doesn’t give up. He can’t just let go and move on with his life, because no one ever told him that was an acceptable option. Not performing well meant his father loved him less. That’s why he never gave up because a child naturally craves their parents’ attention and love, even if it isn’t a healthy love. So who would give up something if that would result in not being loved anymore?

「それは。。。あんまりだよ。。。！残酷じゃない！あなたが子どもに何を求めてるか燈矢はもう知ってる！」

「それ ; sore 」-> that

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「あんまり ; anmari 」-> too much

「だ ; da 」-> be

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

「残酷 ; zankoku 」-> cruel

「じゃない ; janai 」-> used to express emotion; when you want to accuse someone

「あなた ; anata 」-> you

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「子ども ; kodomo 」-> child

「に ; ni 」-> for

「何 ; nani 」-> what

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「求めてる ; motometeru 」-> searching for; seeking

「か ; ka 」-> represents the intention of a question

「燈矢 ; touya 」-> Touya

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「もう ; mou 」-> already

「知ってる ; shitteru 」-> to know

= “That is… too much…! It’s cruel! Touya already knows what you want children for!”

A difference I noticed between the original version and the official English translation is that in the official translation Rei says “That would be too cruel!” whereas in the original version she says “That is cruel!” accompanied by janai which is used when you want to accuse someone. The “would” seems a bit more like Endeavor merely suggested something, but it’s still undecided. In reality, he’s not asking for her permission. It’s not about what Rei wants, yet she is still trying to make him come back to his senses and realize what effects his actions have on Touya.

「どれだけ言っても。。。毎日新しい火傷をつくってくる。。。」

「どれだけ ; dore dake 」-> how much

「言っても ; ittemo 」-> although I say

「毎日 ; mainichi 」-> every day

「新しい ; atarashii 」-> new

「火傷 ; yakedo 」-> burn

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「つくってくる ; tsukuttekuru」-> continue to get (つくる + てくる)

= “Despite how much I say, he continues to get new burns every day.”

Well, the earlier advice of “it’s for your own good” isn’t exactly the best way to get your child to understand why it shouldn’t do something. There probably could’ve been a bit more initiative here, you know, like getting a therapist involved. Someone, who actually understands children and knows how to handle them.

「バカなところも俺に似た。。。！諦めさせるにはそれしかない。。。燈矢には。。。超えられない。」

「バカ ; baka 」-> idiot

「なところ ; na tokoro」-> aspect; side

「も ; mo 」-> also; too

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「に似た ; ni nita」-> resembled

「諦めさせる ; akirameru 」-> make someone give up

「には ; niwa 」-> as for

「それ ; sore 」-> that

「しかない ; shika nai 」-> only

「燈矢 ; touya 」-> Touya

「には ; niwa 」-> as for

「超えられない ; koerarenai 」-> can’t surpass

= “He also resembles me with the idiot aspect…! That is the only way to make him give up… Touya can’t surpass him.”

Those last two panels honestly look straight out of a horror story. Is that the face of a loving family man? Apparently so!

These posts originally started out because of the bias and obviously, Dabi is still written weirdly, but I do have to point out that the official translation at least doesn’t make Endeavor sound nicer here than he actually is.

I also find it interesting how Rei is drawn here, with half her face being in a shadow, which is usually a style used to show a character’s sinister side. Here, it’s accompanied by a sweat drop, which often indicates exasperation. This might indicate the start of a turning point for her. And this turning point is something that you see over the following panels until it comes to a finale on everyone’s faces once Shouto is born:

Looking at their eyes, they all look less than fine here.

Touya just kinda stares lifelessly. As Rei stated in the previous scene, Touya already knows why he and his siblings exist. He already knew when Natsuo was born and thus, Natsuo’s existence was living proof that Touya was still not enough. Yet, he still refuses to give up and desperately tries to prove himself to his father. And then 3 ½ years later, another sibling arrives.

Rei has shading under her eye and her eyes only half-way open, indicating fatigue. Obviously, giving birth would do that, but she’s also just generally tired of this and probably began to understand how powerless she is. And Endeavor has his eyes wide-open with tiny pupils, often indicating a character’s drive (not in a good way). He knows this is the one.

「お父さん。俺も超えられるよ。ほら。。。こんなに強い炎が出せるようになったんだ。俺のこと見てよ。」

「お父さん ; otousan 」-> dad

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「も ; mo 」-> too

「超えられる ; koerareru 」-> can surpass

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

「ほら ; hora 」-> look!, hey!

「こんなに ; konna ni」-> such

「強い ; tsuyoi 」-> strong

「炎 ; honou 」-> flame

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「出せる ; daseru 」-> can produce; start (a fire)

「ようになったん ; you ni nattan 」-> have reached the point that

「だ ; da 」-> be

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「のこと ; no koto 」-> about

「見て ; mite 」-> look

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

= “Dad. I can also surpass him. Look… I have reached the point that I can produce such strong flames. Look at me!”

Based on this scene we can conclude that Touya kept training on his own. Endeavor knows about this, yet never bothered to actually stop him from going out to train (just saying “don’t do this” isn’t enough).

You can just see the desperation on his face, completely ignoring the tears running down his face. He is already at a point here where his feelings start to be tuned out. The only thing that’s on his mind is his goal of proving himself as the worthy successor.

「ダメだ！何故わからん！そこまでの火傷を負って何故わからないんだ！！」

「ダメ ; dame 」-> no good

「だ ; da 」-> be

「何故 ; naze 」-> why

「わからん ; wakaran 」-> don’t understand

「そこまで ; sokomade 」-> that far

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「火傷 ; yakedo 」-> burn

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「負って ; otte 」-> receive (wound); injured

「何故 ; naze 」-> why

「わからない ; wakaranai 」-> don’t understand

「んだ ; nda 」-> explanatory particle

= “No good! I don’t understand why! You get so many burns and still don’t understand!!”

Again, not a great way to get your kid to understand anything. Yelling isn’t helping, either! Neither is telling them you don’t understand why they don’t understand.

「燈矢。。。！！おまえは外を見��。冬美や夏雄と遊べ！！学校で友達をつくれ！ヒーロー以外にも。。。沢山の世界がある。。。わかるだろう！」

「燈矢 ; touya 」-> Touya

「おまえ ; omae 」-> you

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「外 ; soto 」-> outside

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「見ろ ; miro 」-> look (imperative)

「冬美 ; fuyumi」-> Fuyumi

「や ; ya 」-> and

「夏雄 ; natsuo」-> Natsuo

「と ; to 」-> with

「遊べ ; asobe 」-> play (imperative)

「学校 ; gakkou 」-> school

「で ; de 」-> at

「友達 ; tomodachi 」-> friends

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「つくれ ; tsukure 」-> to make (imperative)

「ヒーロー ; hiro 」-> hero

「以外 ; igai 」-> excepting; with the exception of

「にも ; nimo 」-> as well

「沢山 ; takusan 」-> plenty; enough; a large number

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「世界 ; sekai 」-> world

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「ある ; aru 」-> be

「わかる ; wakaru 」-> to understand

「だろう ; darou 」-> don’t you agree

= “Touya…!! Look outside! Play with Fuyumi and Natsuo!! Make friends at school! There are other things than heroes… there are many worlds… you understand that, don’t you!”

The darou at the end here is a little assertive, like saying “This is how I see it and you should agree!” which is captured in the official translation by him saying “I know you understand” - which is a funny phrasing since Touya obviously doesn’t understand.

I get that being a hero is often reduced to just being about fighting, but how is this man so incapable of understanding his own child? He knows Touya goes out training regularly - and has been for years - and keeps coming home with burns and even after all this time Touya still doesn’t listen to him, and yet his incredible advice here is “Go get some friends!” Is that… helpful to anyone? No wonder he never got to the Number One position if that’s how he tries to save people.

There’s actually a chapter in the School Briefs light novels (no spoilers) that brings up this topic too: What kind of hero are you if you can’t even save your own family?

And we’re not talking about Touya being held at gunpoint or something; we’re talking about years and years of this child’s mental and physical health decreasing, very obviously so, and it’s not getting any better.

Touya doesn’t do this because he’s jealous because he already did all of this before any of his competitors (= Natsuo and Shouto) were born. He’s doing this because he is a child and like any other child out there just wants his parents’ love and attention, which is literally the parents’ whole job. Endeavor failed both as a father and a hero.

「そうしていく内に忘れる。」

「そうしていく ; soushiteiku 」-> continue to do so (そうする + ていく)

「内に ; uchi ni 」-> while

「忘れる ; wasureru 」-> to forget about it

= “While you continue to do so, you’ll forget about it.”

I don’t even know if he thinks this is good advice? Surely, no one could think this would be helpful here, right…?

「学校の子は皆ヒーローになるってさ。。。！。。。わかるはずないだろ。。。！」

「学校 ; gakkou 」-> school

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「子 ; ko 」-> kids

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「皆 ; minna 」-> everyone

「ヒーロー ; hiro 」-> hero

「になる ; ni naru 」-> to become

「って ; tte 」-> quotation marker

「さ ; sa 」-> emphasis particle

「わかる ; wakaru 」-> to understand

「はずない ; hazu nai 」-> cannot be

「だろ ; daro 」-> right; I think

= “The kids at school all say they’ll become heroes…! I cannot understand, right?”

Hazu nai is used to strongly emphasize that something cannot be. In this case, Touya cannot possibly understand that concept of just letting go because this is his whole identity and you can’t just toss your whole identity away, especially when that identity is necessary in order to get your parents’ attention and love.

「俺はお父さんの子どもなんだから」

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「お父さん ; otousan 」-> dad

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「子ども ; kodomo 」-> child

「なんだから ; nandakara 」-> because; after all

= “After all, I am your child.”

Nandakara has an important nuance that’s worth talking about it. It’s used to give an explanation or emphasize something that both the listener and speaker know and expresses a strong emotion that the speaker feels and that the listener doesn’t fully appreciate. Apparently, some people had an issue with the official translation here and claiming it sounded too accusatory. Anyway, this child has every right to accuse his father of expecting him to just give up on his attempt at reaching his goal when Endeavor got married and had four kids because he wasn’t immediately handed the Number One position. That sure is ironic and sad that little Touya understands this so well, too.

「冷やさなきゃ」

「冷やさなきゃ; hiyasanakya 」-> must cool; must calm down; must cool off (冷やす + なきゃ)

= “We must cool him off!”

This is a pun that also works in English! While the word hiyasu can mean to cool off in the sense of calming down, it can also mean to cool (from room temperature); to refrigerate. And both meanings are applicable here since Touya is having a breakdown and needs to be calmed down mentally, but he also seems to be sweating almost like his quirk is building up inside of him and about to boil over, which it then does as he tries to attack Shouto, so he also needs to be physically cooled down.

「お父さんが火をつけたんだ。。。！消えないんだよ。。。！！なかったことになんて。。。できないんだよ！」

「お父さん ; otousan 」-> dad

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「火をつけた ; hi wo tsuketa 」-> ignited

「んだ ; nda 」-> explanatory particle

「消えない ; kienai 」-> won’t go out

「んだ ; nda 」-> explanatory particle

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

「なかったことに ; nakatta koto ni 」-> to forget something ever existed; to pretend something didn’t happen

「なんて ; nante 」-> something like

「できない ; dekinai 」-> can’t

「んだ ; nda 」-> explanatory particle

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

= “Dad ignited that fire in me…! It won’t go out…!! I can’t just pretend something like that never existed, you know!”

「俺を見てろよ。。。！！エンデヴァー　俺を見てろよ！！！」

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「見てろよ ; mitero yo」-> just you wait and see (as a threat)

「エンデヴァー ; endevaa 」-> Endeavor

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「見てろよ ; mitero yo」-> just you wait and see (as a threat)

= “Just look at me…!! Endeavor, just look at me!!!”

So mitero yo is an expression meaning “just you wait and see” and it consists of the imperative form on miteru (= you must be looking) and the yo emphasizes this more. “Just you wait and see” obviously sounds far more threatening (because it is) and also kind of makes sense when considering where they are now in the present time. Now - fifteen years or so later - Endeavor sees him. This goes back to the earlier part where Dabi said “Watch me from the depths of hell” - it’s a different form (in that part he says mitekure, while here he says mitero yo) but he’s always telling his family to look at him. Because, at the end of the day, that’s where it all went wrong. No one ever truly saw him and his pain until one day, he broke. What exactly is a child supposed to do? Endeavor has gotten away with not looking for too long, but Dabi won’t let him go on like that anymore.

And notice how he says the same line twice here? And in the middle he says “Endeavor” - for the first time, he addresses him by his hero name instead of calling him dad. This is because he isn’t just asking his father to look at him, but he’s also threatening Endeavor. I think this might actually hint that he’s already having thoughts of turning into a villain? Maybe he already thought about what it would be like to just turn himself into a villain and refuse Endeavor from reaching his goals just as Endeavor has refused Touya from reaching his goals. Whether he actively thought about this or whether that was more of a subconscious feeling is hard to say but it’s clear that at that point he already viewed Endeavor, the hero, as the bad guy that took his father away from him. If it wasn’t for Endeavor, the hero, then Touya wouldn’t have to prove his worth to his father by having a strong quirk.

「一番辛いのはあなたじゃないし。あの子を見なかったのはあなただけじゃない。」

「一番 ; ichiban 」-> the most; number one

「辛い ; tsurai 」-> painful; difficult (emotionally)

「のは ; no wa」-> nominalizer + topic marker

「あなた ; anata 」-> you

「じゃない ; janai 」-> aren’t

「し ; shi 」-> emphasizes the point you make

「あの ; ano 」-> that

「子 ; ko 」-> child

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「見なかった ; minakatta 」-> didn’t look

「のは ; no wa」-> nominalizer + topic marker

「あなた ; anata 」-> you

「だけ ; dake 」-> only

「じゃない ; janai 」-> aren’t

= “You are not the one with the most pain. You aren’t the only one that didn’t look at that child.”

This is another line where some people claimed the official translation made Rei sound harsher than she actually is. But I don’t think she’s even being harsh here? She’s just stating a fact. And just compare the two of them real quick: Rei just got out of the mental hospital she stayed in for ten years and upon finding out what really happened with Touya, immediately took responsibility and decided to do something. Endeavor, on the other hand, is crying in his hospital bed because suddenly he regrets that he failed as a parent for over twenty years. I don’t think she’s being harsh by telling him that he isn’t the one who is hurting the most when that’s just a fact. And the “you don’t get to claim” phrasing of the official translation isn’t really harsh, it’s just being direct. But Endeavor is a grown man and with all the pain he has caused his family, I think he can deal with not being handled like some fragile little thing.

What I find interesting about this line is that it’s essentially a continuation to what she said in the last chapter when she stated that “Everyone else is having those feelings a lot more than you” Now, she is adding to that because not only has the rest of the family suffered a lot more than Endeavor, but one person in particular - Touya - is currently in the most amount of pain out of any of them. Endeavor’s self-pity and regrets have no space here because Touya is the actual victim here, and not Endeavor for having been exposed for something he chose to do for over two decades.

They both never looked at that child, but now it’s time to change that and finally start looking at him.

There weren’t really a lot of changes in the translation - aside from our now Spanish-speaking amigo, Dabi - but there’s still a lot to talk about, as you can see by this very very long post. So if you read all of this, thank you! And also congrats for making it through! There’s always nuance that just doesn’t translate but is still important to mention and gives a better insight into the characters. This chapter was just the first part so chapter 302 will surely give us some more clarity, possibly even finally revealing what actually happened on the day Touya supposedly died. So now let’s see what the next chapter will bring.

Adios~

#translation #301 #dabi #todoroki #bnha #touya #japanese #bnha 301 #meta

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