#granted as much as i have limited insight into my Feelings now it was way worse then

[alexythimya]

Also like shes told me like you seem to be able to share when u disagree or etc and like. She doesn't know shit about me and I would be stressed if she asked me anything that I deem Personal or whatever

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Tale of the Cursed Raven -- Author’s Notes & Afterthoughts

The full series:

Part 1 I Part 2I Part 3 I Part 4 I Part 5 I Part 6 I Part 7 I Part 8 | Part 9 I Part 10 I Part 11 I Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20

Miss Raven sketch is by shimmeryspark!

Well, it’s been quite the journey but we’ve finally made it to the end of ✨ Raven’s origin saga ✨. It was such a wild experience to write it all and hear your feedback for each installment. I hope that you all enjoyed reading it as much as I loved creating it... and I hope that it sheds more light on why Raven is the way she is.

Now that the series is done, I’m feeling really nostalgic about it (maybe it’s Mis Raven’s enchanted inks working their magic on me)💦 so I wanted to relive the memories a little, and share some of the feelings, insights, and thoughts I had before, during, and after writing the saga.

If you’re interested in reading that, it’ll all be below the cut for your convenience.

“May those who accept their fate be granted happiness, may those who defy their fate be granted glory.” — Edel, Princess Tutu (2002)

The Origins

I’ve always loved stories—more specifically, fairy tales. When I was little, they’d always be on my mind. Actually, they still are to this very day. If I wasn’t reading them, I’d be watching them or thinking about them, making theories and spinning stories of my own.

I loved the fantastical elements, the whimsy of magic and talking animals, the witches and the monsters, the royals and the warriors that protected them... I loved it all. That childhood love of fairy tales followed me into adolescence and adulthood. That’s really where this all began.

Of course, I gravitated towards media that prominently featured elements of, or borrowed from, fairy tales. This would lead me to the rabbit hole that is Twisted Wonderland 😷 (you all knew this was coming). Due to the blank slate nature of the game’s protagonist, Yuu, TWST was ripe for an OC community to crop up.

I saw a lot of unique characters in the fandom, so I wanted to create a character too. However, no matter how hard I tried, I struggled to develop a “Yuu” that I was satisfied with. At times, I even felt uncomfortable because I felt I was either putting too much of myself into “Yuu”, or not enough. It was then that I realized I would have much more fun making a character based on a preexisting story. A theme, a concept—they’d all be pre-set for me, and I could let my imagination run wild from those.

I didn’t want to adapt a character from a Disney movie (say, the Mad Hatter or King Triton). While I had seen many cool interpretations made by other people, I didn’t want to limit myself to personalities and character traits that were already determined by the movies or stories for me. I started looking into fairy tales themselves, looking for a character or a concept vague enough for me to base my OC on—and I found it in the wording of a riddle from Alice in Wonderland.

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

It captured the spirit of whimsy I wanted to evoke in the OC. Ah, but there's also an underlying sadness and dread to her character. It's mostly Alice in Wonderland with a whisper of Edgar Allen Poe.

And thus, Raven was born.

Tsunderes — but why???

At first glance, you might look at Raven and label her personality as “tsundere”. It’s a popular trope in Japanese media where a character that is initially cold and harsh shows or develops a warm, friendlier side over time. One problem that I’ve always had with the tsundere archetype is that the media that employ it rarely, if ever, explain the reasoning for why a character is a tsundere. More often than not, tsunderes are used to comedic effect nowadays, with the tsundere characters acting violent towards their supposed love interests—and that’s something that has never really sat well with me. I don’t think that’s necessarily good writing, but I won’t fault the people who do enjoy that kind of thing. I personally prefer it when we get to know the characters and the reasoning behind their personalities and decisions more. Character-driven storytelling is my jam.

Familiar of Zero’s Louise lacks the magical power to back up her noble lineage, and she has an inferiority complex as a result of that. Toradora’s Taiga has a complex family situation which has left her distrustful of others. When writing Raven, I didn’t want her to fall into the trap of “no explanation” tsundere. I wanted to outline a clear reason for why her personality is “hot and cold”, like Louise and Taiga. Even more than that, I wanted Raven’s reason to line up with the concepts of “freedom” and “expression” that tie with her bird and storytelling motifs.

And so, her story started taking shape in my head. (If you want to read more specifics on my thought process, I’d check out this post. I also talk more about the concepts behind her there.)

Her Magic

I wanted to tie in her personality and philosophy into her unique magic too. After all, it's a spell that defines who she is as an individual. In the beginning, Raven was excited about the prospect of writing, as it would help her comes to understand others--however, she struggles to come to grips with their emotions and keeps holding herself at a distance. Only when she empathizes with her characters and with the people around her does her unique magic come into fruition. With it, she can see into others' hearts and rewrite their feelings--that is, if her willpower and coaxing can convince them to.

I didn't want Raven to be a particularly gifted magic user; she's someone that had to work hard to come into her own. I think of her humanoid form as something still awkward and developing, which sometimes interferes with her spellcasting. What really makes Raven shine is her determination, and the strong imagination that pairs with it. All she truly lacks is the ambition and the confidence, things that I hoped would be honed at Night Raven College.

The Characters for the Series

Initially, I wanted to feature a much larger cast of characters. At some point, I was ambitious enough to think I could somehow include every NRC student in the plot... but thank goodness I realized that just wasn’t feasible. I saw the narrative mess that happened whenever a creative piece tried to get too many characters involved. It just made it hard to keep track of and care about anyone on an individual level. Sometimes, it also distracted from the central themes and conflict. Now, that’s not to say that Raven has never canonically engaged with other characters (because she definitely has)! It’s just that those interactions aren’t as important to this story, so I left them out of it.

In hindsight, I’m so glad that I kept the core cast (up to a certain point) small. That way, I could dedicate more of my time writing each of their individual thoughts and emotions. Raven remains the main character throughout, while Rook, Crowley, Jade, and, to some extent, Azul, Floyd, and Octa A, are secondary characters. Idia, Vil, Epel, the Fates, etc., are very much tertiary characters that showed up a few times total 😂 but they all played their parts and still contributed the overall story.

A character that was introduced in part 6 was the timid but well-meaning Octavinelle A-kun (whose name is Kon, like konbu, or Japense kelp). He was actually included as a gag character because I couldn’t think of someone from the main cast for the role he ended up filling. I unintentionally got attached to Kon and decided to bring him back later in the story, because I guess I like the irony of a mob character that lacks eyes having more screen time than two Dorm Leaders (Vil and Idia). I think the inclusion of Kon also really helped the themes of the story, because, in a meta way, he’s like Raven. He’s a “background character” who ended up having time in the spotlight (and even earned himself a small but dedicated fan following), which proves that it’s possible for Raven, who also sees herself as a “background character”, to ascend and become a “main character”.

Speaking of semi-original characters, I also had fun doing my interpretation of the Fates in part 10. I doubt that’s what they’re like in canon and watch TWST prove me wrong, but it was super fun to write regardless of that. I think my favorite thing about them was how they bicker when they’re out of the public eye, but it was also interesting to come up with their idol poses and phrases.

The cast noticeably expands around part 15, and that was a very purposeful move on my end. Raven has had her revelation then, as well as a stronger understanding of how her unique magic works. Art that point, the story shifts from Raven being on the outside looking in to the characters witnessing her tale unfold. It's to indicate that Raven has finally properly begun integrating herself with the stories that she has always isolated herself from. Characters that have previously had smaller roles before (Vil, Idia, Azul) return for a reprise and to add their own context to what's happening now, and the characters never previously mentioned (Lilia, Riddle, Kalim, Leona) give their perspectives as people who had no direct involvement. I wanted to show the shades of familiarity that they have with what Raven's been up to on her lonesome, and how these different kinds of relationships and points of view are all important when looking at a story.

I was very excited to introduce the Enchantress (Estella) as an onlooker that has a tenacious history with Lilia; she's an original character I've been working on and hiding in the shadows until her first appearance late in this saga. Estella is a very complex person, whom I would describe as a mix of the Enchantress (Beauty and the Beast), Giselle (in both Enchanted and Disenchanted), Isabela (Encanto), Frollo (The Hunchback of Notre Dame), Mother Gothel (Tangled) and Fairy Godmother (Shrek 2). She gives... "tough love", but often acts in morally self-righteous and self-important ways, believing that it is for the "own good" of the people she becomes entangled with. Sadly, I was not able to go into her own background and motives, but someday I'd really like to!

The Plot of the Series

There’s a lot that you don’t see that goes into writing. I went through several iterations of Tale of the Cursed Raven, especially with the rising action and climax. You should see my writing drafts--there’s no rhyme or reason to them! You might see some bullet points to show a sequence of events, but the rest of the document is just random lines or ideas I think would “sound cool” that I just scribbled down while on the bus or something.

When I write a story, I usually know how I want things to begin and how I want them to end, and I have trouble filling in everything that’s in between. I usually took large chunks of time between the release of each installment to review information from the previous part and make sure the continuity carried over to the part I was currently writing.

It was also common for me to write, rewrite, and rewrite the parts again several times over before I actually put it to the public. Sometimes I would almost be done with an installment, and I’d delete it all and start over because I thought of something much better. I’d be irritated with myself in the moment for wasting all that time and hard work, but I think it ended up working out.

sadibasudbad Okay, I want to talk about some of the plot points that I scrapped, because some of them were actually interesting... They just took the story nowhere or caused issues with other things I had planned, so I had to drop them 😅

After Jade’s betrayal is revealed in part 3, I was going to have Raven become Azul’s business rival. Not in the restaurant sense, but more like she would offer similar “wish fulfillment” services as Azul, mostly because she needs something to do to keep herself positive. Her services were going to be called “Fairy Godmothering” and involved sending wishes on slips of paper in little black boxes she placed all over campus. However, she’d probably need a lot of help or strong magic to make that happen, neither of which really applies to her. I guess the tradeoff would have been that Azul offers more but asks for a price, whereas Raven offers less but works for free. She’d write stories as kind of a “road map” or “plan” for how she would personally fulfill her a wish, as opposed to Azul’s contracts, and which required a mutual agreement to the terms. I also didn’t know where to take the story after this point was introduced, so it had to go.

Part 8 was originally going to open with Raven and Riddle having a tea party and catching up. Floyd was going to emerge from some rose bushes with Cater and Trey chasing after him 😂 and Floyd was going to kidnap Raven from there for the boat scene with Jade. Like I mentioned before, I decided to cut this out to keep the number of characters the story had relatively short. (Plus, I guess Floyd would have had to run a shorter distance to the lake if Raven was already in the forest area than if she were all the way in Heartslabyul?)

There was a large hiatus between part 10 and part 11, because a lot of rewrites had to happen for the latter half of the series. Part 11 in particular went through several different versions—one of which would involve Prince Rielle visiting NRC for a magift game and knocking Raven out cold with the frisbee. Because Raven didn’t remember the face of the “prince” that saved her from drowning when she was a bird, I was going to have her mistake Rielle as that “prince” (similar to how Eric mistook Ursula/Vanessa for Ariel). Djsbsjsbshs But I already took a huge chance by writing my interpretation of the Fates, so I didn’t want to also do my interpretation of Rielle in case TWST gives us more details about him later. Rielle is based on a Disney princess, so I thought it was more likely that he got more details revealed about him over of the Fates, and I didn’t want to make my series too reliant on headcanons or unconfirmed information about a character we haven’t even seen yet.

Finally (and this is the biggest change of all), parts 10 through 20 were originally going to be heavily focused on action and adventure. Raven was going leave NRC in search of the Enchantress (who originally cursed the Storyteller several years go) and ask her to lift the curse, and the Enchantress was going to send her on a series of heroic quests to prove that she is “worthy”. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought the scale was too grand 💦 At the end of the day, Raven is just a bird trying to be a normal human girl... and I wanted her development to be more of a traditional coming of age story instead of a literal hero’s journey where she confronts dragons and saves villages. Something more down-to-earth makes her more relatable, so I went with that route instead of the action-adventure one.

I don’t know if you noticed, but the saga happens alongside the events of the main story (as some main story events, such as Overblots, are referenced). The last 5ish parts happen around the transition from the Ignihyde arc to the Diasomnia arc, sooo... :)) You can think what you like about whether Raven’s happy ending is reality or a dream conjured up by Malleus~

I argued with myself a lot while writing the series, especially about the ending. I had a lot of my friends (and readers, too) telling me “you’d better not kill Raven” and “Raven and Jade should kiss and make up/date each other at the end” (some of which came true, some of which didn’t). I was so conflicted at the time because while I never intended to kill Raven, it was clear that my audience was expecting a perfect “happily ever after”... and I didn’t know if such a conclusion would fit the overall tone of the series. I think what I ended up doing was satisfactory, though. It’s happy, but not overly so, and it keeps the door open for future shenanigans in a light-hearted and hopeful way.

Raven’s Growth and Development

Raven has come so far.

The saga here is written kind of like “oh, this is her main story”, but it’s meant to be supplemented by “vignettes” and “event stories” (ie all the side content of Raven which fleshes out her relationships with other characters). The idea is that all her experiences at NRC helped her to develop her own sense of self, and granted her the confidence to fly in the face of her own fate, which she was once so hopeless about. When I look back on the last few years, I’m amazed at how much of it there is, whether produced by myself, by friends, or by fans. It’s really humbling that I get to share this journey with you all.

Raven used to be scared and shy, a timid bird with little to no understanding of the world, or of the creatures in it. Then she picked up a quill, ink, and paper—and a whole new world opened up to her. Her story is one of how freedom of self expression and creative works can connect us not only with others, but with ourselves. Because of that, Raven was able to grow and become a much more mature person (with the support of her friends and family, of course)!

Just because the saga is over doesn’t mean Raven is suddenly perfect, though. She still very much struggles to be emotionally expressive and honest with her feelings of affection (since she has gone so long burying those), so she’s still got a long way to go in that regard 💦 She also has some lingering self-esteem issues that she’s got to work on. Raven’s always changing...! Always willing to learn! Jade and Rook, please help her—

When people read Tale of the Cursed Raven, I don’t want them to “just see it as a love story” or “TWST OC x TWST Boy” fanfiction 💦 because the focus isn’t just on romance, but on Raven discovering herself, and her voice, in a world that once confused and scared her. It’s not just a story about finding love, it’s also about a girl growing up, gaining confidence, finding new family and friends to support her... It’s a lot of things, and I feel that it’s doing the saga a disservice by calling it just a love story.

I’ve mentioned this a few times before, but while Raven is not meant to be a self-insert character, I feel that her struggles are very relatable and I hope that you, too, can see some part of yourself in her and her journey. A lot of the writing process involved me analyzing and coming to terms with difficult feelings, particularly ones of self-loathing, self-acceptance, coming to terms with emotions, and trying to find one’s place in a world that can be confusing and scary to navigate. I feel that writing Raven’s tale was able to help me through those tough times in my life. For that reason, this saga will always hold a lot of sentimental value to me.

So... What’s next?

There were originally plans for me to make a follow up/spin-off series where Octa A/Kon was the main character. The theme of that series was “even the unnoticed and ordinary can be noticed and extraordinary!” It was going to focus on Kon and his mob student friends (one from each dormitory), along with their struggles of being “noticed” (as they are often just one face in a sea of mob students) and “fitting in” with their respective dorm’s ideals. I think it would have been a series that resonated a lot with introverts and people who see themselves as “less than” others or as “not fitting in” with others’ expectations. I might still do this, but it would probably be another huge project that would take months of planning and revision.

Another idea I had was to write a series of stories that are just flashbacks of Raven’s life prior to Night Raven College, whether as a bird or whether as the Storyteller’s apprentice. I also considered writing in-depth about how the Storyteller was originally cursed, and about the Enchantress responsible for it. I would like to get into her backstory and her motivations for spinning the Storyteller’s curse to begin with. (Maybe I’ll do those as blog anniversary or follower milestone specials?) Some friends of mine also jokingly suggested I write a sequel series focused on Raven and her relationship with L*ONA 🤢 dfhlbahefvqoeuq Lots of ideas, lots of possibilities!

As for Raven, she’s definitely not going away just because her origin saga is done. She’s still the beloved poster child of this blog, so of course I want to continue writing about her! It’s just that she’ll be a little freer to speak her mind now that her curse has been lifted. After all, "the end" is just "the beginning" of another story!

I kind of feel like a proud parent, seeing my bird daughter growing up, making friends, finding love, and developing her own sense of agency and independence 😭 I’m excited to see where this next chapter of Raven’s life takes us.

Before I sign off, I’d like to thank you, dear readers, for following Miss Raven’s story until the very end. None of this would be possible without you!

[schmergo]

I really enjoy listening to podcast episodes that maybe fall slightly to the side of "true crime" and more into the realm of "dark history" or "scary true stories" (like, it's not really true crime if a lion eats a bunch of people because there are no laws for lions), but every time I start enjoying a podcast, I always feel smacked in the face several episodes in by weird instances of the podcasters' lack of general historical knowledge or context. It makes me trust their interpretation of events much less.

Obviously I do not expect the lady podcasting about wilderness survival stories to have a PhD in history, but a few of the missing bits of knowledge that have shocked me lately have included:

* Thinking Ebenezer Scrooge was a real historical figure (possibly getting him mixed up with Charles Dickens?)

* Not being sure which side of the Civil War Ulysses S. Grant was on, had to look him up

* Knowing Thomas Edison was a famous inventor but not being able to think of any of his inventions (and quit your yapping about how he didn't REALLY invent those things-- you know what I mean)

* Calling 18th century England "Victorian times"

Now, are these the most important things for human beings to know? Not necessarily. But I do think that not having that greater context for a historical or nature-based tale that you're researching is going to limit your insight into what you're talking about. And I think part of what shocks me about these podcasters' confusion is that sure, a lot of people don't pay attention in history class and don't need to know this stuff in daily life, but these people are presumably intellectually curious and enjoy learning if they're researching and writing these detailed episodes every week.

And you can say, "Well, they didn't go to college for history, they have real jobs besides podcasting," but these are all things I was taught in elementary school. I have to wonder about their actual educations. This leads me to my next point...

I stumbled across some internet threads recently where teachers talk about how they no longer teach history or social studies at the elementary school level because they don't have time in the day while trying to get kids caught up on language arts and math and science. There's no standardized testing for history and many schools seem to have done away with it or made it optional.

That certainly wasn't the case for my educational experience-- many of my strongest memories of elementary school include history projects and units and even performing historical-based musicals! But going into high school and later adulthood without any elementary basis in history is actually going to really affect reading comprehension and critical thinking in shocking ways. Imagine having to read To Kill a Mockingbird in high school without having ever learned about segregation or Jim Crow laws. No matter how many hours your class spent on preparing for standardized testing in reading comprehension, you will NEVER fully understand that text without understanding the context.

Knowing that these podcasters that I listen to are adults who are presumably interested in history (albeit mainly history where someone dies, but to be fair, that is a good chunk of history because most of the people who have ever lived are in fact dead), I can't help but wonder and worry about what it will look like when the next generation of entertainment in this vein is taken over by people who NEVER took history classes in school, or at least no history classes in elementary school. What important context will be missing from these tales, and who will even notice that it's missing?

Have you noticed any instances of this in your own life that made your jaw drop a bit? Have you personally encountered schools no longer teaching history?

[balkanradfem]

About your situation, I think it might work out, but you also need to be careful. I personally had that women, when disappointed with men, tried to flirt with me, or toy with idea of being with women, but they often turned back to men after, because being with women is not easier and comes with own set of shame and social setbacks, so they are not ready. So personally I would keep distance untill I see that other woman has strong conviction she is into women now (lesiban or febfem), because my exprience trying to better men while she is also actively is into men simultaneously was traumatic. I can't better them, not in the eyes of a woman with patriarchal mindset. Not in terms of owning more money and resources, as it was what the woman I liked looked for.

And seconds, personally I sometimes mask as het, like fish out some 15 years old experience of when I man romantically chased me to keep up with conversation, I stopped doing it because I realized it makes me very depressed, but at some point I was doing it without thinking, out of fear not to appear het enough. So maybe it was her case to extent also, sort of probing. I don't know.

And third, eastern slavic women (as i'm one too) often fooled me like that, because they can be very flirty and adoring you, but they limit it strictly to 'friend' level. Or, we often tend to think that it's ok limit to how friend interact. I upon some thinking began to think I rather find it ok, it's better if women have affection to each other, but it makes me confused often. Where I go eh why does she hug me so much? but then ah it's just friendly thing for her, ok.

I had experience when a new friend I was meeting was really looking me over, I would suspect it's almost as if she invited me on a date, she also tried to carry my bag (after asking to carry her things in my back, which was a bit weird). So it's something men often offer to do on dates, I refused, but paired with that awkward long looking me over, I felt like she's having instant crush on me. But then she mentioned husband, and I was all "????????". Granted everything is bad with her husband and she plans divorce, so maybe she wanted a support in the meantime, but I felt it to be unjust towards me.

Bottom line, my experience, women often look for being with other woman, but all the experience I had like that, they did not take it with serious conviction, but took it as silly adventure that does not need to lead to anything, if their mindset is patriarchal still, and I felt degraded, bc I was serious, and they seen me, I felt, along with my feelings, as funny puppy to make them feel better. Like, if they are very patriarchal in their head, they try to harvest my energy the same way the men try to do that, and because they are women, I let my guard down. But now I learned to be cautious.

So if that was me, I kept that friend at friendly distance before I learn more of her opinions on life and how set she is in wanting to pursue women, maybe encourage her a bit, but not jump right in. Because I burned myself.

Hey thank you for this detailed and insightful advice! I am so sorry your experiences with women were so painful, that was extremely shitty, I would also feel degraded and crushed if women thought I was just a side adventure when I felt seriously about them.

I see that you've been subjected to the same madness upon having women who are married/not interested, do flirting actions, that is insane. Why are they torturing us. Is it fun. Do they enjoy making us confused and baffled. What do they get out of it. I need them to stop that!!!

And don't worry, I used to have a crush on her, but since she called me child names I know it wouldn't work out, I am now completely set on never trying to date her, I merely wanted to know what her orientation is and be friends. At this point if she even wanted something I would either say no or stop it very early on. I'd say she's too pretty for me so it cannot work out xD thats my plan at least. But I'm still waiting just to see if she's straight, we cannot get out of this confusion.

[f0point5]

"Interesting that you think she keeps him in the friendzone considering she’s the one who’s horny on main and he doesn’t entertain it ever…"

I really need to explain my point of view here! 🤣

First off, I didn't use the words that she's keeping him in the friendzone because to me that's always sounded like one party wants more and the other doesn't. And that's not at all the vibes I get off of your smau. 😁

I just feel like with Max (your characterization of him obviously) there's more to unfold. I do understand that both of them are willing to go to ends for each other like noone else would and like they wouldn't do for anyone else. But with Max it kinda oozes out of every part of your smau. As a reader I see it and I can feel it. Maybe it's because of the limited amount of insight we get from him, but it's so obvious to me. It's especially the little things... like her living in his apartment rent-free, her driving his cars around, her using the jet whenever she needs to, her hotel rooms under his name, her getting whatever is "the same as his", just because she begs him. She asks, he makes it happen, mostly she doesn't even ask anymore. It comes naturally to him and to her! I'm not saying she's taking anything for granted, but it's still him doing all those things for her!

I just really really really get the notion that there's a bigger reason why he's never made a move on her romantically speaking. And I strongly feel that - other reasons aside - he'd be as ready as can be if he felt she'd want to be something more. Maybe not on a conscious level, if that makes sense. But like... if she'd give a real and honest (*) signal that she'd want more than the "friendship"-relationship they have, it wouldn't take much for him to know (realize) he wants that too.

(*) I'm saying real and honest because you brought up her being horny on main and him not entertaining it ever. Max not entertaining it is one way to put it. But I feel like his initial reactions are always somewhat... I don't know... cautious? That's probably not the right word. It just feels like even though he knows her inside out, he doesn't seem to know how to deal with this flirty side of her. So he doesn't. He turns a deaf ear to it, doesn't entertain it, however you want to put it. And in all honesty? I get it?! She's not just doing that with him either. It's kinda her persona. She's never shy of some flirty or ambigious comment or innuendos. How is he supposed to know what could be her being real and her just causing havoc and having some fun?

I'm all for men getting their act together and fighting for their girl, but I'm going to bat for Max here and say that she really doesn't make it easy on him.

So with you teasing us with there being reasons behind why Max never made a move, I wonder if y/n knows enough about him to understand those reasons. Or at least knows the background that might have caused them? Anyways, in my head I always come down to the question of what SHE actually wants. I'm not saying she needs to act first, but she might need to make some decisions for herself. Or maybe deep down she's already made them. I don't know.

And that's the second part to why I feel she's the one keeping up the friendzone. I sometimes just don't get her. She's so tough and she pretends to be so sure about all things Max and all things Elliot and what not...

Why don't you tell Max about the Thing™️ right away, girl? If he's texting and meeting up with girls himself, why hide the guy? Why make it bigger as it is? Everyone told her Max wouldn't take it lightly. Okay, so what? You don't believe in any of it when they claim he'll be jealous. So why not bring it out in the open? They talk about every effing thing. Why not that? She doesn't feel like things need to change. Well, wake up girl! You can't believe a future boyfriend will accept you living with your non-romantical relationship forever, now can you? But she's home there. And she doesn't want to leave. So what does she want? Her choice. Simple as that.

So that's what's going on in my head following the smau. That's why I see her keeping up the friendzone more than Max does. And I stand by that feeling. 🤣

In case you were wondering, the thing she wanted was his constructor’s championship t-shirt lol.

Pleasepleaseplease guess what the bigger reason is I am so curious on your theories! There’s two big ones in my head, one has been hinted, one I’m playing with whether I’m going to use because it’s not really known canon and I feel like it might be a bit ooc.

I feel like part of it is Max having no game. I can’t imagine him flirting with someone in earnest. Dirty jokes, sure, but actual flirting, I think he’d short circuit. But I think part of it is him like “I know she’s probably joking but maybe if we both do it it’s going to make it weird”. Also, this is an smau, so she’s doing this all over text, he has no context to her words, he can’t tell if she’s laughing or inebriated or anything in between. My headcanon is they’re a lot more jokey irl because then he knows the vibe.

She definitely knows about the first reason of him not making a move. Inside and out she KNOWS. 100% deeps it, and probably recognises it in him and herself. She maybe wouldn’t necessarily consciously connect it to their relationship but she knows about the thought process. The second one - if I use it - is one thing, maybe the only thing, she doesn’t know/hasn’t picked up on about him. She’d be very surprised by it. It’s something she wouldn’t even consider.

I feel like she hid Elliot because she saw potential, but she didn’t want to rock the boat if nothing came of it. I think it’s been a long time since she or Max met anyone with rock the boat potential. I understand why she wouldn’t want to bother with that conversation that everyone hyped her up for if Elliot turned out to be nothing. You say a future partner wouldn’t accept that but it depends on the kind of relationship you want, and how your prioritise those relationships. Plenty of people have boyfriends they rarely see, or date for years and never live with, or cycle through a boyfriend every three months.

[bacarasbabe]

Hello hello my love, may I please ask about 21, 73 and 76? x

Hello my beloved 💕 I'm so sorry for the late response. I've started answering you multiple times but irl things kept getting in the way and I took a small break from here! Really, I just wanted to give you a serious answer that I took my time with instead of something rushed and not very well thought out. I hope you can forgive me darling.

21 - Do you prefer writing chaptered fics or one-shots?

I don't have very many chaptered fics but as I've been growing and evolving in my writing style I think I've begun to gravitate towords chaptered fics. I find a lot of joy in developing plotlines and characters through multiple chapters. It's an interesting and fun challenge to face, but one-shots will always hold a special place in my heart.

73 - What do you tend to get complimented on the most about your writing?

Hmm, this was interesting to disect but I think I get complemented on my aestetics the most lol.

76 - How do you deal with writing pressure, whether internal or external?

Fyi, I've written the response to this question like five different times now. I think I've settled on an okay respose, but I wanted to take the time to get this right. I know so many fic writers and creators deal with stress, and not all of us come out the other side as creators still. While I'm unsure if my insights will be helpful to you, I hope you can find something valuable in my perspective.

(Full answer under the cut bc it's long.)

We've previously discussed the unique frustrations that fic writers face, particularly on this website. The constant barrage of anonymous asks, only inquiring about more content or the release date of the next chapter, the likes without comments or reblogs, and the limited interactions can wear you down over time. I know that I've felt the weight of these pressures and so have so many countless others. There are numerous other aspects I could complain about, but I am actively working on letting go and trying to move past these things.

It can be difficult when, at one point, fic writing felt like an avenue to engage in commentary, discussions, and the social aspects of the community, rather than merely producing content for others to enjoy. The stress and perceived pressure to consistently create began to erode my love for writing, prompting me to step away. I needed to distance myself from everything, and surprisingly, it turned out to be a positive decision. During my break, I created a side blog using a completely different email address, allowing me to enjoy things without feeling the need to hold myself to any standards or obligations. I granted myself permission to consume instead of constantly create, and to enjoy without worry. Taking that break was a significant step for me, enabling me to establish boundaries, which was exactly what I needed. I realized I had been giving too much, rushing through writing instead of savoring the process.

Now, with a story that I hold dear to my heart, I find myself in a place where I can dedicate myself to it and genuinely enjoy the journey. I am completing the story for myself because I genuinely want to, without the burden of writing other fics or constantly trying to entertain followers. Even with this mindset, I must admit that I don't have a comprehensive answer for you. After being away for over a year, gaining a fresh perspective on things helped immensely. Additionally, the words of a cherished mutual we share had a profound impact on me. They expressed, in their own way, that my fics are already complete the moment I posted them. Regardless of any future chapters promised. It's perfectly acceptable if I never post an ending because the audience is not entitled to one.

Dealing with writing pressure, whether it stems from internal expectations or external demands, requires a conscious effort to set boundaries and prioritize personal enjoyment and fulfillment. Taking breaks, gaining perspective, and finding solace in the fact that your creations are already complete can all contribute to a healthier and more enjoyable writing experience. Remember, your writing journey should ultimately be driven by your own passion and desire, rather than solely catering to the expectations of others. I know that this is easier said than done. I know. But hopefully you can take a piece of this and apply it to your own stess.

[kenta-w1]

Level 4 Studentpreneur: The beginning, not the end.

Final Pitching

The day for the final pitching was approaching, but I felt unusually at peace. Honestly, our group prepared hastily the day before the final pitching commenced. As much as we wanted to thoroughly prepare for the pitching, the requirements for our major subjects were just overwhelming. We ended up cramming the preparation for the pitching. We did our best with the limited time we had. We didn't want to take the final pitching for granted. We did what needed to be done. However, unlike the midterm pitch, where we pulled an all-nighter, we didn't neglect sleep this time. On the day of the pitching, I was already feeling tense. Well, this is because I am quite an anxious person. However, I was confident with the presentation because we genuinely love our product and have studied its mechanics extensively. We felt that whatever questions the panel may throw at us, we would be able to answer them one way or another. An unexpected situation occurred when one of the panel members asked us about investment returns, which caught us off guard. Although we had some general knowledge about it, in the case of our product, we had overlooked it. We admitted our shortcomings and opened our hearts and minds to the advice of the panels.  We genuinely appreciate all the advice and remarks made by the panels. We were all happy that our efforts were recognized.

The Lecture Series

Upon the announcement of the lecture series, I was genuinely curious and eagerly looking forward to the topics that would be discussed. I was also excited about the speakers who would deliver the presentations. Even though I don't envision myself as an entrepreneur, I was eager to gain insights into entrepreneurship and start-ups. As an aspiring theoretical physicist, one of my dreams is to develop a theory and bring it to life through experiments, with potential applications in the real world, including start-ups. Just the thought of it brings me joy. Now, returning to the lecture series, the topics covered by the speaker from the IPTBM served as a refresher on intellectual property rights, patenting, the IP cycle (creation, protection, commercialization), and more. As physics students, we had previously attended an invent school seminar through DOST-TAPI, CMU Physics Department, and the IPTBM in March, which also covered these topics. Additionally, I gained valuable insights, learned realities, and principles in entrepreneurship that can be applied to my own life. Overall, I was highly satisfied with the event.

The Entrepreneurial Mind Journey

I feel a tinge of sadness as the class draws to a close. This course has provided me with invaluable insights into entrepreneurship, which I have actively applied through the instructor-assigned activities. I had the pleasure of meeting new individuals brimming with captivating ideas. The experience has deepened my appreciation for businesses, entrepreneurship, and start-ups. My gratitude extends to my classmates and groupmates who, in their own ways, supported me in navigating the challenges presented by this course. A special note of thanks goes to our remarkable instructor, Sir Reymark, for generously sharing your knowledge. Rest assured, we will cherish the lessons and advice acquired from your class.

While the entrepreneurial mind class may be reaching its conclusion, I am filled with an exhilarating sense of possibility. That this is not the end, but rather the dawning of a new chapter in my entrepreneurial mind journey.

The beginning, not the end.

[maitaponce]

The Mid-Life Friend I Didn’t Know I Needed

By Rachel King

I was in my apartment one morning in early spring when my phone rang. It was my brother. As always, he was the one who had phoned me. “Can you do me a favor?” he asked. “I need your help. I’m doing a New York Times crossword puzzle and a lot of the clues are about New York.” At last, the request made sense — I knew nothing about puzzles, but I had lived in New York for decades.

In the three years since that video call, we’ve continued to meet over Zoom every week, joined by his wife and two of his friends. We’re now on our second book of New York Times crosswords. I never thought I’d become a regular player of crossword puzzles; now I plan my weekends around them.

When we were younger, there were a variety of impediments to closeness: a 12-year age difference, the awkwardness of our blended family (our father married my mother after his mother’s death), and physical distance (we both grew up in the Northeast, but he’s lived elsewhere for most of his adult life). 

To better understand how a simple game could make such a difference, I turned to the book Adult Sibling Relationships by Geoffrey L. Greif and Michael E. Woolley, both professors at the University of Maryland School of Social Work. They advise siblings looking to forge closer bonds to “consider trying new experiences together.” The reason? People often fall into old patterns of behavior when interacting with their families. This is exactly what was happening when I failed to initiate phone calls with my brother. I was regressing into my role as the entitled younger sibling, always taking for granted that my responsible older brother would call me. Greif and Woolley say that “experimenting with new environments can help siblings break out of uncomfortable interpersonal expectations.” Turns out my brother, who never studied psychology, has good instincts. While I’m sure he really did want help with a crossword puzzle back in April 2000, he’s always been the one who was reaching out and looking to strengthen the sibling bond. This time it really worked: By trying something novel, we finally succeeded in building a shared social life. 

I called one of the book’s authors, Dr. Greif, for more insight. 

He told me that the conditions of contemporary life make it challenging for families to stay close. “It was much easier 500 years ago where you married somebody in your village who your parents knew and who you knew growing up and you lived in the village or on the farm for your whole life.”

In other words, it’s still a recent phenomenon for people to stray so far from home. Our ancestors likely saw their extended families regularly. Their relationships were built 365 days a year; they didn’t rely on once-a-year, high-stress holiday gatherings. Now our time with family is more limited, and our expectations more unrealistic. “The Norman Rockwellesque view that all families have to be loving at Thanksgiving, and that everybody is getting along well — that is not going to be the case in the large majority of families.” In other words: If you feel apprehension about an upcoming family gathering, you are not alone.

The important thing to remember is that whatever does or doesn’t happen this holiday season, those gatherings don’t need to define our relationships with our siblings. My experience proves it. It may work far better to try to connect with them during the rest of the year. There are a variety of ways to remain — or become — close.

Greif and Woolley’s book is not sitting on an especially crowded shelf. The amount written about brothers and sisters in adulthood is dwarfed by the enormous volume produced about parents, spouses, and children. Still, adult sibling relationships are important because of how ubiquitous they are (more than 80 percent of us grow up with siblings) and because of how long they last. If all goes well, our siblings are the people who are with us cradle to grave. Research suggests that closeness to a brother or sister can improve our health by mitigating loneliness in later years, after children have left home or marriages have dissolved. Often, they are the sole link to the earliest years of our lives. That’s why these relationships can grow richer as we age. In their book, Greif and Woolley describe what has been called “the hourglass of closeness,” noting that there’s a kind of default closeness of childhood, during which we have no choice but to share a house, favorite toys, and parental attention. Then, in young adulthood, we break away from our families to establish our own identities. Later, in middle age, it may become easier to reconnect as we’re no longer struggling to define an identity separate from our families of origin and are less likely to still feel competitive with our siblings. At age 40, 50, or 60, we’re much more apt to know who we are — and we can, at last, choose what we want to share with our siblings.

I value the opportunity to explore our shared memories. For example, my father has been dead 25 years, and now there’s no one in my life but my brother who knew him. I can quote my father’s witticisms to my husband or friends as much as I like, but my brother is the only one who can respond by chuckling, “That sounds just like dad.” When he does this, I find myself with a lump in my throat, a little surprised by the tears I’m blinking back. Sharing my memories with my brother makes our father — and our grandparents, too — come alive for me again. What’s more, being in touch with my brother is the best way I can think of to honor them. Truly, nothing would have made our father happier than knowing that my brother and I were spending time together.

I am still not good at crossword puzzles, but since they’ve given me so much over the last several years, I’ve come to appreciate them. I like the fact that the longer you work on one, the easier it gets. As you play, the puzzle isn’t just being solved — it’s teaching you how to solve it. Each answer holds the key to others: 29 down helps in solving 39 across, and vice versa. Henri Cartier-Bresson’s camera (Leica) and the 2001 Grammy Best New Artist winner (Alicia Keys) may appear to have nothing to do with one another, but in fact they are inextricably linked.

And so, two words that seem to have nothing to do with one another are connected, like my brother and me, siblings whose paths in life have crossed only briefly. We share a last name, a hometown, and the bad eyesight we both got from our father. We have always vaguely known that we shared more than that but what, exactly, remained a mystery — one that I’m finally starting to solve.

[manitas-de-t-rex]

Hey! Hi! I hope you don't mind I reply to this as a huskerdust shipper. I'm only doing it because you said you were genuinely curious. So I'll do my best to address some of the points you mentioned. (Although, I can only speak for myself and not any other shipper out there!).

IF husk had actually been into his "flirting."

IMHO you can dislike the way in which someone approaches you and still like that person if and when they change their attitude towards you. The message I got from Husk's own attitude change is that he didn't like Angel being pushy and "fake", but that doesn't mean he didn't like him as a person. In fact I get the feeling that he was hoping Angel would make a change. That would explain why he looks happy and content to be around Angel for the rest of the season. He's not just happy he's not being harrassed anymore-- he actually enjoys having Angel around after his attitude changes.

That was the point of this ENTIRE scene

I'd argue that there was a lot more to this scene, one of its main points being to get a better insight of Angel's inner workings. His "You know how much I'm worth?" line after Husk's rejection is SO telling it hurts. He's learned to value himself just in terms of how much someone would pay to have him sexually. Having Husk say to his face time and again "No, I don't want that, even if you give it for free" is so humilliating because in his mind, Husk is telling him he has no value. And all of this when his artificially inflated ego is the only thing that keeps him from collapsing at this point!! That's why Husk makes him so mad!!!! (It's actually good for him that Husk values him as something else --you know, as a person-- but he's not ready to appreciate that in this scene, not yet).

On shipping them prior to Ep4

Sometimes I ship two characters that don't get along, or are hostile or even hurful to each other, if I feel like there is room for growth and they have potential in the future. Sometimes, it is interesting to imagine how a situation that is less than ideal in the beginning could develop into something healthier in the future. This was the case for me with huskerdust. I felt the potential since Ep1, then I was reeaaaaally happy when I saw some of that potential fulfilled through season 1. Besides, I like them both as characters (love them, actually), so it was nice to see them both have some character development.

On Angel not apologising for his behaviour

None of what I said makes Angel's harrassment right, and I'm not claiming that. It was wrong of him, Husk called him out on it and after Ep4 he stops doing it. You're right we don't see Angel apologising "on screen", but consider:

a) There's a lot of necessary ellipsis in Season 1. Runtime was limited and the creators wanted to tackle a lot of plot and subplots in one season. You can like or dislike that fact, and in fact the pacing is one of the most critizised aspects of Hazbin Hotel, but I argue this is not a ship issue; it's a whole season issue. Anyway, this means there are lots of conversations happening between the characters that we're not seeing.

Possible counterargument to (a): "But saying sorry would be an important turning point for Angel as a character; if it happens, then we should be seeing it!"

Yes, ok, actually, I agree. I'm just saying we don't have a lot of detail on where their relationship stands right now and how close (or far) is Angel to the point in which he's able to say sorry for his past attitude towards Husk.

(I could go on a ramble here about why I think this could be particularly hard for Angel and I'm trying not to but-- just consider that until very recently his survival strategy was to minimise in his head what he has to endure everyday at the hands of Valentino. So, acknowledging out loud that what he did to Husk was wrong and relevant enough to be granted an explicit apology-- that means acknowledging that what's done to him on a daily basis, and even the "little things" he normalised, are actually abominable. It also means he has to look at himself and recognise in him some of Valentino's own traits, even if at a smaller scale. And that takes a lot of courage. It's not a simple apology for Angel. This particular apology takes a lot).

Also consider:

b) We have at least 3 more seasons in store. We only know the beginning of the story. Maybe Angel takes his time apologising. Maybe he never does on screen but we'll get hints that he did at some point. Maybe he's never able to do it with words and tries to show remorse with his actions instead. We still don't know. They have a long way to go, luckily!

Final thoughts

Anyway, none of what I said makes the relationship between Husk and Angel necessarily romantic. I perceive the chemistry between them and I feel it has romantic potential but that's just my personal opinion. We have some hints from the creator that the ship is going to become canon but if you consider just the story as it is (I mean without any interference from the outside), at this point it could very well develop into a very cool and healing friendship and that wouldn't diminish its importance for the story and for both characters in the slightest. A bond doesn't have to be romantic and/or sexual to be full of love, admiration and healing. On the other hand, a bond that includes romantic love and sexual attraction is not necessarily made less "pure" by it.

Ahhhhh thank you for the opportunity to share my thoughts!!! I just love them sm haha.

Sorry if some of it sounded weird, English is not my first language!

My thoughts on Huskerdust.

I don't really understand why people ship these two. And I don't mean that in a I-hate-the-ship-way. I'm genuinely curious.

The aesthetic is there,sure. Grumpy bartender x Flirty 🌽star? Yeah,okay,I can get behind that.

IF husk had actually been into his "flirting." (cough,cough,sexual harass).

The show makes it a point to showcase that husk doesn't like the advances Angel makes towards him.

That was the point of this ENTIRE scene.

I just don't understand how people think this is okay.

"Oh,but Angel just does it as a coping mechanism!"

Okay? It's still sexual harassing. Look, I understand victims of this sort of abuse have different ways of dealing with it. And that's okay. As long as it's not hurting them or anyone else, I'll completely understand.

But in this case, it's hurting someone else. And Angel dust doesn't seem to care.

"Oh,but I only started shipping them after Loser,Baby."

Okay,now that's a whole different situation. The song was about how,instead of shutting down and isolating yourself ,like Anthony does,it would be good to try and find comfort in the company of others who are also struggling (even though Angel's situation is far worse in comparison but I digress). It was about how it's okay to be vulnerable and about how you don't have to face these struggles alone.

Still, that's not really enough for me to ship them. I will continue to view them more as having a student-mentor situation. I personally just feel like that makes more sense. It would be nice for their dynamic to be more like:

"I'm just not interested in you in that way." "You know what? I'm okay with that."

That would show true growth from Angel and I would prefer that by a lot.

[hannahstarshade]

The Stars Move Still

The latest Bittersweet release, as well as the recent Finn art stream, have got me thinking once again. Last time my Faust post turned into a Finn post. This time I’m really going to talk about Faust, I promise. Let’s go. 

I did the thing where I look up the origin and meanings of character names to find any sort of insight. Finneas and its other spellings brought results such as “oracle” and “serpent’s mouth.” Faust recalls how Finn would wax poetic, and remembers him as a metaphorical all-seeing lighthouse. This all tracks. Faust, on the other hand, means “auspicious,” “lucky,” and “fortunate one.” This on its own fits the character as we know him. He lives an opulent lifestyle and has been able to pursue his career as a streamer. What struck me, and what I didn’t know beforehand, is that Faust is the titular character of a 500 year old legend. This particular legend was based on Johann Georg Faust, an alchemist, astrologer, and magician who lived during the German renaissance of the 15th and 16th century. The first published story of Faust—Doctor Faustus— was an Elizabethan tragedy. Although there have been several versions of the story, the important beats remain. Faust is a mortal man that realizes the limits in his abilities. He strikes a deal with the devil for unlimited power and knowledge in exchange for his soul. 

We can see traces of this story and it’s many iterations in Bittersweet. In the context of the story thus far, we can conclude that Faust may be Finn Prime’s fellow steward. During the Chapter 3 Interlude, Finn describes his former partner as ambitious, creative, and hopeful. We see this in Faust as he pushes and fights to do better and seek more opportunities for himself. One thing that slipped during the art stream is that a cape color for Finn’s outfit was nixed because it was too similar to the “fellow steward.” That ombre of colors looked nearly identical to the one Faust wears now. (This may mean nothing, but I found that interesting.) Together they watched over the Dreamers. Over time, Faust longed for more, despite Finn reminding him that it was forbidden to meddle. Left only to watch over the Dreamers and never interact was not the life he wanted. He made a deal with the devil, and traded his magical abilities and his knowledge of the cosmos for a chance to experience life outside of the dreamscape. He was given a comfortable life of wealth and fame. Instead of using this to effect the world around him, Faust indulges in his own desires whenever he pleases. He receives constant adoration from fans, yet is burdened by familial death and loneliness. 

Another hint to this connection is Faust’s tarot reading during livestream. “I still can’t put my finger on it, but sometimes it’s not so much about the why but rather how you approach a situation. I have to accept that I am still finding my way. And in pulling the moon upright, I feel like I could certainly choose to chase my tail seeking answers and basking in the strife of trying to understand those things that are beyond me. Or I can see it, acknowledge it, and take control of the things that I can. Sometimes the cards will tell you what was, what is, or what will be. But I am a firm believer that nothing is written in stone, and all signs are simply that: signs. What we make of our story is ours, and ours alone. At least I certainly hope so.” Throughout the years, the story of Faust has had several endings. In some versions, Faust is whisked away to hell as holy entities look on in disappointment. In others, Faust is granted some semblance of salvation. The legend’s tone ranges from tragic to hopeful. Faust’s story has not reached an ending yet, and is therefore uncertain. 

If all of this is relevant, it then begs the question: who is the devil? Maybe Auron represents Mephistopheles in this Faustian tale. The distain between the two is apparent from their first interaction. In Chapter 3 Part 10, Derek alludes to things being all too convenient. While this is referring to the Bittersweet Listener and their experience with Alphonse and Seth, this could be applied to other aspects of the story as well. Things seem to have lined up perfectly in Faust’s favor. He unintentionally points it out when referring to Auron’s status. “CEO, no degree. Didn’t have to go out and prove yourself. You had it all handed to you.” For all that Auron prides himself in being unmoved, this is the line that makes him lose his cool. “And you should thank me for it!” he shouts. This might be the frustration of having to listen to someone complain about what they have been given over and over again. Auron took on several responsibilities while his brother has the option to do whatever he wants. Soon after, Auron askes  “Are you not comfortable? Do you not have everything you need?” 

Like the Faust of the legends, he is granted all he desires, but is doomed to be dissatisfied.

Characters and scripts written by YuuriVoice Artwork created by Jackie Eleanor Name resources (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) Faust resources (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

[robininthelabyrinth]

I saw you mention this in one of your posts and this sounds like a swell idea! Something where JGY figures out that NHS is The Scary One before he touches a hair on NMJ’s head. :D

on ao3

When his father said that someone ought to get rid of Nie Mingjue, that he was in their way, that he would never stop, Jin Guangyao’s first thought was about the Song of Clarity that Lan Xichen was teaching him – and the Song of Turmoil, that he’d taught himself in one of his secret visits to the Lan sect library. He’d long ago noticed the similarities between the two tunes, one to help and the other to harm; it wasn’t similar enough to fool anyone skilled in music, of course, much less in musical cultivation, but Nie Mingjue rather infamously wasn’t.

His second thought was: let’s wait and see.

Perhaps it was only that it had been a very long day, and Jin Guangyao was tired, feeling unusually surly and dissatisfied. But it occurred to him that it wouldn’t do his father any harm to have to actually ask for something from him, rather than merely hint at it and have Jin Guangyao run to do it for him before he even finished the sentence – a rather unpleasant comparison had been made between Jin Guangyao and a poodle earlier that day, and he was still sore.

So yes.

Let’s wait and see.

-

Waiting was not, it seemed, paying off.

His father’s hinting had grown all the more intense, although he had not yet actually asked, and as for Nie Mingjue...

Nie Mingjue had promised to try to trust him again, Jin Guangyao thought to himself with a sigh, but most days it seemed that the only thing he trusted was that Jin Guangyao was up to something.

He scolded and he scowled and he questioned, always looking for loopholes and tricks hidden behind every word and gesture, never giving him the benefit of the doubt on a single thing. Jin Guangyao thought nostalgically back to the days when Nie Mingjue would simply present him with a problem that needed taking care of and tell him to deal with it as he saw fit, trusting not only in his competence in dealing with it but also in his judgment of how things ought to be resolved.

They said that trust was like a priceless porcelain vase: once shattered, it would never be whole again, even if it was repaired.

Jin Guangyao supposed that he deserved it for letting himself get caught like that.  An amateur’s mistake, but you only needed one of those to ruin everything.

But if it couldn’t be fixed…

He was just contemplating the Song of Turmoil again as he walked through the halls of the Unclean Realm when Nie Huaisang unexpectedly tackled him around the waist, making him Jin Guangyao stagger back and nearly fall – poor cultivator or no, Nie Huaisang had some heft to him, and plenty of muscle from years of running from his brother’s attempts to make him train.

“You have to help me, san-ge!” Nie Huaisang said, eyes wide and pathetic in such a patently unauthentic way that Jin Guangyao had an immediate stabbing feeling of empathy, an affliction he almost never suffered from. What a little scoundrel you are, he thought, not without fondness. “Da-ge’s on my case again. Scolding and scowling and trying to catch me in some sort of trick – and I would never play a trick on him, never - not in a million years -”

It occurred to Jin Guangyao that perhaps Nie Mingjue really did treat him as a younger brother, and it was only that he’d incorrectly assumed that he’d be treated as being somewhat more capable than the man’s actual younger brother.

Who was, he conceded, probably equally untrustworthy when it came to the likelihood of playing tricks on his too-earnest older brother, even if the tricks Nie Huaisang generally played were significantly lower in both quality and importance than his own…

“Huaisang! Where are you – ah, Meng Yao. What are you doing here?” Nie Mingjue asked, blinking at him. “Anything urgent?”

“Ah – no?” Jin Guangyao said. “I came to play for you, da-ge, you remember – er-ge said –”

“Right, of course,” Nie Mingjue said, in the tones of a man who had completely forgotten. “Could I borrow you for something else while you’re here? Perhaps Huaisang will learn better if it’s not just me.”

“Of course, da-ge,” Jin Guangyao said. It was always better to do someone a favor than the other way around, to better use it later, and Nie Mingjue almost never asked him for anything. “What are you trying to teach him?”

“How to run a sect,” Nie Mingjue said, lifting Nie Huaisang by the waist. “No, Huaisang,” he added when the younger man whined. “You do not get a choice.”

With that said, he lifted the younger man above his head – Nie Huaisang, as mentioned, was not light, but Nie Mingjue didn’t seem to notice – and walked back towards his office.

Jin Guangyao followed, torn between wondering if this was the reason that the ceilings in the Unclean Realm were all so high and being unable to keep himself from doing the math: Nie Huaisang weighed more than Jin Guangyao did, being both heavier and thicker around the middle, so if it was Jin Guangyao that Nie Mingjue was holding, it could be estimated that he could hold him up for at least an hour, and even longer if he was braced against something convenient such as a wall –

He shook his head to rid himself of the useless thoughts. He would need all his cunning about him if he was going to embark on the difficult mission of trying to get Nie Huaisang to actually learn something, especially something as boring as sect management.

Questions of assassination were, comparatively, much easier.

-

The problem, Jin Guangyao discovered, was not, as he’d suspected, in keeping Nie Huaisang’s attention.

It was in everything else.

“ – and the sect leader is now requesting assistance,” Nie Mingjue concluded his summary of the situation behind the letter that they had received, laying out both the actual content of the letter, the implications behind it, and the background necessary to make a decision so efficiently that Jin Guangyao lost his head for a moment and imagined what life would be like if he could hire Nie Mingjue as his deputy. His life would be so much easier. “How do you respond?”

Nie Huaisang heaved a sigh. “That’s obvious!”

It was. The request was far more than this particular sect really deserved, given its past behavior (rather despicable) and the moderately high chance that they were simply trying to get the Nie sect to pay for benefits that would later go to themselves or, at best, the Jiang sect, but granting the request would not seriously damage the Nie sect’s coffers and would lay the groundwork for a better relationship in the future –

“We write a letter that heavily hints about what we know that the sect leader did in the past, expressing our concern and indicating that we received the information from the Jiang sect in a moment of indiscretion,” Nie Huaisang said happily. “He’ll be so distraught at the thought of potential blackmail from them that he’ll beg us for assistance, and we’ll be able to extract additional benefits before finally agreeing to –”

“No, Huaisang,” Nie Mingjue said, even as Jin Guangyao boggled at the sheer wretched cleverness of the idea. It would work perfectly to isolate the other party through their own paranoia, leaving them feeling that they had no other way out but to throw themselves on the Nie sect’s mercy – there wasn’t a limit to what could be extracted that way. “If he’s so untrustworthy as all that, we don’t actually want him, do we? He’ll just betray us next time he can. No, we write to him the way we would anyone who wasn’t our dependent and lay out our terms, free and clear; if he wants better ones, he knows what to do.”

“People don’t have to be trustworthy to be useful, da-ge,” Nie Huaisang whined, and the infantile tone of his voice very nearly disguised the fact that he was saying something incredibly insightful. Not at all something Jin Guangyao would have expected to come out of the mouth of one of the Nie sect, much less Nie Huaisang, the most useless of them all. “They don’t even have to know they’re being used to be useful! I can think of at least three ways we could use –”

“The answer is no. Besides, I thought you liked Sect Leader Jiang?”

“Yes, but he’s far too direct to be dealing with someone like this – think of it as us ridding him of a pest! We could –”

“Huaisang.”

Nie Huaisang sighed.

-

“ – but if you would only consider what we could achieve with just a little bit of bribery –”

“Huaisang.”

“But it’s such a small amount! I could do it with my own pocket money!”

“Huaisang.”

“Ugh, fine, have it your way, we’ll just ask, I guess…”

-

“Oh, wow, that’s a tough one. Uh…murder?”

“Huaisang!”

“What?! It was a reasonable guess!”

“It was not a reasonable guess!”

“We wouldn’t let anyone know that we were the ones that – I’m making it worse, aren’t I?”

“Yes, Huaisang. You’re making it worse.”

-

“I’m guessing the answer isn’t going to be blackmail?”

“That’s correct.”

“And not it’s bribery, either.”

“No.”

“Definitely not beating him up…”

“Huaisang, are you trying to get the answer by process of elimination?”

“It’s a valid strategy to figure out the answers to test questions!”

“This isn’t a test question, it’s real life!”

“No, it’s a test, because if it was real life, I could use blackmail.”

-

“…you know what,” Nie Huaisang said after a couple of moments of serious contemplation. “I actually have no idea what I’d do in that situation. San-ge? Can I have an assist?”

Jin Guangyao had managed, over the past shichen or so, to get ahold of himself. He shrugged apologetically. “I must admit that I’m at a loss myself. It seems like an especially tricky situation.”

The situation in question involved the crimes of an extremely well-connected individual, with interests from all over the cultivation world deep in his pockets; he would be a difficult man to cross. Moreover, he was well known for his perfidy, rendering blackmail useless, and well-off enough to make bribes pointless; mere intimidation was also out, given his connections – he’d already gone through a “trial”, if it could be described as such, and he’d only used it to cleanse himself. In such a situation, Jin Guangyao would probably hang back out of caution, seeking further information and hoping that an appropriate situation would appear that he could take advantage, but Nie Mingjue had specified that there was a time limit involved…

Nie Mingjue groaned. “You’re both overthinking it: for once, murder is the right answer.”

“Wait, it is?” Jin Guangyao asked, staring at him blankly. “I mean - what exactly do you mean, murder?”

“The man slaughtered children in broad daylight! The evidence is unquestionable and undeniable; he should be executed immediately.”

“But – his connections –”

“That’s why there’s a time limit,” Nie Mingjue said, rolling his eyes on both of them. “If you do it quickly enough, it gets attributed to the hair-trigger Nie temper going out of control and everyone treats it like a casualty in the face of a force of nature – the same way you’d shrug off the death of someone who got in the way of a hurricane or tsunami.”

“Oh,” Nie Huaisang said. “I see.”

Jin Guangyao envied him: he most certainly did not see. Since when was outright murder a possible weapon in the Nie sect’s diplomatic arsenal?

“Speaking of which, I’ve already delayed long enough, trying to teach you something,” Nie Mingjue added. “Huaisang, can you host Meng Yao for dinner? I’ll be back later this evening.”

“Of course, da-ge! Count on me!”

Nie Mingjue nodded at them both and strode out without another word.

“…where is he going?” Jin Guangyao asked.

“Presumably to go murder someone,” Nie Huaisang said, as if it were obvious, and then laughed, presumably at Jin Guangyao’s expression. “He always makes me practice with real questions, you know, though he does save them up if he can.”

“That wasn’t what I was surprised about,” Jin Guangyao admitted, because he’d already figured out – possibly for the first time – that Nie Huaisang almost certainly already knew what he was like under the smile. “It’s just…murder? Really? Da-ge?”

“Da-ge’s righteous, not kind,” Nie Huaisang said with a shrug. “Leave questions of mercy to the Lan sect! Here we believe that showing excess mercy to evildoers is itself committing a harm to their victims…ah, well, let’s not talk about it, shall we? If we do, I’ll just get another headache from trying to figure out the line between what I’m allowed to do and what I’m not allowed to do.”

“You know perfectly well what you’re allowed to do,” Jin Guangyao said, deliberately keeping his voice light rather than accusing. “You just want your brother to be a bit more open-minded.”

“He won’t be.” Nie Huaisang’s voice was fond. “He’s willing to pull those sorts of tricks when he has to – our exculpated murderer is an excellent example – but he’s never going to understand why anyone would pull a nasty trick if they had another choice…it’s just the way he is.”

He laughed, taking out his fan – a new one, Jin Guangyao observed – and lightly nudged Jin Guangyao in the side even as he hid his smile behind it.

“It’s fine, though,” he said. “Isn’t that why he has people like us?”

“Yes,” Jin Guangyao said, following Nie Huaisang to the dinner table, thoughts running through his mind. The Song of Turmoil – it would still work, more than likely, because Nie Mingjue would let him play it for him and him alone, and even Nie Huaisang needed clay to build bricks. But if he did it, and Nie Huaisang ever found out…

He thought that he might not like being Nie Huaisang’s opponent. 

He wasn’t sure which one of them would win and which would lose, of course, and he rather thought he’d bet on himself, but in all honesty he wouldn’t like to try. 

“In fact,” he said casually, “Huaisang, if you don’t mind, I have another situation that I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts on.”

“Not another one,” Nie Huaisang whined, but his eyes narrowed in blatant curiosity. “But all right, all right, just one more. Only for you, san-ge, and only because I like you so much.”

Jin Guangyao smiled. “I appreciate it. Now, for the situation: assume there are two sect leaders, and one of them wishes to eliminate the other through underhanded means…”

-

“Murder, I think,” Nie Huaisang said thoughtfully. “No – most definitely murder. There is no other path forward. The only question is, I suppose: how much do you want your father to suffer during the process?”

Jin Guangyao smiled.

It was so nice to work with people that understood.

[potteresque-ire]

This is a response to @rainbowsky​ ‘s questions about BJYX, as the original post got too long for reblogging (I hope this is okay!). 1) Should we be worried about GG and DD being outed? I often think about what it’s like to be in the closet and I know how it feels to need to be SEEN. But I also understand the reasons why that might not be an option for them. Still, I worry about them being involuntarily outed. There are so many antis after them.

 2) What would you speculate is the likelihood of this ever happening, and what might be the consequences if it happened?Is leaving an option for them, even as a distant goal years from now?

3)Does their fame and popularity hold any protective power in the situation (i.e. if they were to come out or be outed, would public opinion about what might happen to them have any impact on the outcome given the nature of the regime)? To what degree would that depend on how much money they are still able to make for interested parties?

My response is under the cut, as it got long, as usual ~

@rainbowsky, you’re among the first BXGs I followed! I’d like to thank you for your insightful posts as well!

Your questions ~ I don’t think I’m qualified to speculate because I’m still a very new turtle and also because of the volatility as well as inconsistencies of China’s sociopolitical policies. I do have a better sense of China’s politics than most international fans, but I also don’t live there and the only way to truly understand how things work at the ground level in a non-transparent country like China is to be there.

(For example, China has officially banned Christmas celebrations  for the last several years, but as we saw last week, commercials remain very “Christmas-sy” and Chinese fans happily said Merry Christmas to each other. It takes someone who lives inside to know where to draw the line — what is permitted by the state and what isn’t — when the line shifts and adjusts accordingly.)

Here’re my thoughts, as of today (2020/12/31): if the perpetrator is only some segment of the fandom and the purpose is merely to knock them off the popularity pedestal, outing isn’t a particularly effective way to do so. Homosexuality, being a highly regulated subject in Chinese news and social media, is likely to mean limit transmission of the accusations. The accuser also has to run to risk of being banned themselves first. Also, with BJYX + ZSWW + LSFY being the sizes they are, the people who will most consider turning against gg and dd, ie, the solo fans, have probably already heard something. Some will leave, but the news won’t be a bombshell to them.

The next possibility is if a legal case becomes possible, ie. if China suddenly outlaws homosexuality. This scenario may seem the most dire on the surface but is also one that I least worry about, because with China’s judiciary system being very biased to those in power, if someone wants to frame gg and dd, they do not need to use sexuality as the accusation and subject themselves to the same restrictions as mentioned above. Tax evasion, as @peekbackstage has mentioned with the actress Fan Bing Bing, is far easier, because it tends the turn the audience against the defendant: these stars are making so much money and yet they’re not contributing their share! And as long as the accusers have sufficient power — remembering that commercial and political power are married in the country — the accuser can make up any evidence to suit their needs for any crime.

The third possibility is what I see as the worst case scenario: that the government decides they don’t want their major stars / entertainment industry to be *perceived* as queer — whether the stars are officially out doesn’t matter — and signals the media and commercial companies to stop using any “suspect” star altogether. (Chinese term: 封殺). This is the case of career murder without blood —  laws aren’t changed; all the fans will hear are rumours confirmed by nobody. I see this as a possibility because of the Xi regime’s view of The Ideal Men , and my admittedly limited experience with dealing with older generations of Chinese, who I’ve found tend to confuse perceived femininity in men with queerness. I think, and this is only my opinion, that the sheer amount of adapted BL dramas in production (the so-called “dangai 耽改 101” phenomenon) and the heated discussions of them on Weibo will at some point trigger the government (which is made mostly of older generations Chinese). Even if gg and dd don’t do anything, should the government decide these adapted BL dramas, even after the elimination of their queer element, are “non mainstream socialist core values”, all the major people involved with the Untamed—arguably the classic and the drama whose success all these follow-ups are trying to imitate—can be cast as the culprit. If the same officials become aware of BJYX and if they’re somehow convinced that BJYXSZD, it can be easy be used as evidence of the bad influence these dramas can do—“they can turn people gay”—and it doesn’t help that according to reports, gg, at least, used to have a girlfriend.

Something more to consider: Gg and dd are also in a very special position now, in that not only are they immensely popular in China, no other native mainland Chinese stars have achieved this level of international fame with a native mainland Chinese production (ie, not a production from Hollywood, Hong Kong or Taiwan, or with a Kpop band). As such, they are likely subjected to high levels of scrutiny from the state. Depending on who’s in charge in the appropriate department, they may decide gg and dd have to be China’s image; they may have a set idea of what image it is and most likely, it won’t be queer. 2021 and the first quarter of 2022 are special times for China, image wise, both at home and abroad. 2021 is the 100th anniversary of the Chinese Communist Party, and gg and dd are both starring in its propaganda productions (dd as a police in BAH and gg as an army officer in AT). CCTV, the state-controlled TV station, is already promoting these shows. So, for 2021, gg and dd are slated to not only be the faces of Chinese entertainment, but also the image of Chinese uniformed forces. If gg and dd come out or are outed, their allowing themselves to be being perceived as queer while donning uniforms will most likely to be viewed by the current regime as an embarrassment; a career murder, then, is an apt response to such transgression. 2022 is the year of Beijing’s Winter Olympics, so again, it’s the time where image matters.

You may have noticed a pattern, as I have as I write this up: them being outed is something to worry about, but also ... nothing more than anything else. If someone wants to tear gg and dd down — and there will be, given their massive commercial power right now and the increasing evidence that they’re working more like collaborators than competitors (ie, they aren’t about to tear each other down any time soon) — they do not need their sexuality as a reason.

(And if these accusers really want to use homosexuality as a reason, the unofficial BTS is, IMO, more than enough, as long as the accusers have sufficient power.)

Your other question ~ can gg and dd’s fame, popularity, and ability to draw consumers protect them? My (slightly) educated guess of the answer, then, is that it’s very much a double-edged sword. Indeed, the one major thing that may be going for these adapted BL dramas, and for those who come to superstardom to it — with gg and dd being the prime examples — is the economic health of China, which, by some reports that can no way be verified, are far worse than what has been reported. This is the thing about countries lack transparency; without reliable news, there’s no way to get the facts. Reports on China outside the country tend to be either propaganda or demonising / filled with conspiracy theories, and the truth is probably somewhere in between. If the reports of poor economy are true, the commercial sector — which, again, is tied to those with political power; ie the money made in the former goes into the pockets of the latter — desperately needs stars like gg and dd to move products (based on those recent consumer reports!) and with that, it will want to keep gg and dd and these dramas that can potentially make more gg and dd around. This *seems* to be what’s happening so far, with the the state-run media happy to show gg and dd’s dramas (when it should know, at least, that they got to the height of their fame playing lovers-not-lovers) and gg and dd’s sponsors not-so-subtly wooing the BJYX segment of fandom, so I’m tentatively optimistic. However, the current regime has also shown a willingness to sacrifice the economy for the sake of political ideology, so it’s not something to be taken for granted. (What’s going on in Hong Kong is a good example of that.)

(I always think, eat each candy like it can be the last one. With this regime, it can be. We can wake up tomorrow and gg and dd have to break up BJYX to protect the fans.)

(I always think, treasure, treasure, treasure. Ask for more dy and lz and Weibo posts, but never anymore from gg and dd when it comes to insights of their relationship, even without considering it’s actually their private lives and they’re under no obligation to share.)

(They’ve shared with us far more than enough.)

There’s really no precedence for us to predict the future of an outed gg and dd from, as far as I know. Confirmed queer stars in Chinese entertainment (those with sufficient followers to make news) have all been from Hong Kong, Taiwan and other countries. The successful BL dramas before The Untamed — Addicted (2016) and The Guardian (2018) — didn’t have a real-person cp that truly took off. Addicted, a true BL drama (ie, it retained the queer elements), was banned before it finished its broadcast. The two actors were also banned from appearing together afterwards, and this “signal” from the government almost cost the two actors their career. Bai Yu from The Guardian, meanwhile, already had a girlfriend as he filmed, so there was never a Weibo supertopic dedicated to him and Zhu Yilong. gg and dd, along with their millions of turtles, are treading untrodden ground.

Something I should clarify ~ all the things I said above may sound very scary to international fans, but to those who live in the country, they understand it as the way things are, and they strategise and move accordingly. This is their way of life. What I wanted to say, in my first reblog, is that we who’re outside may not understand why they do things the way they do, why they don’t, for example, come out with all the candies they are spending so much effort to give out, but I do believe that gg and dd have a plan, not in the sense that they’re scheming or trying to trick anyone, but that they are moving things along at the pace necessary to meet the pre-requisites for the outcome they want. What this outcome is is anyone’s guess, mine being that they have the freedom to work together, not necessary in lover’s capacity — most of us are not required to perform our day jobs carrying our identity as so-and-so’s significant other and gg and dd shouldn’t be exceptions — but as colleagues, professionals and friends (lovers are friends). 

To some international fans, this may sound implausible, ridiculous: why do they need a multi year campaign for something as simple as this? As working together again? And I suppose, all these words I’ve typed so far is my attempt to answer this question, to ease the … unease, the frustration of those who may not understand. True to its marxist root, perhaps, many things that are considered mindless, effortless tasks elsewhere somehow become battles, grand struggles of sorts in China. That sea of sea lights on the night of Tencent awards, for example? It was the result of gg’s fans fighting, strategising in real time to smuggle those LED banners in when they realised the venue had forbidden their entry. They wrapped the banners around their bodies under their underwear because they were patted down by security at the underwear level; they hid batteries in their shoes. They ran batteries from one zone in the stadium to another during the whole show for whose who only managed to smuggle in banners or batteries. They fought the security guards inside the stadium, who continued to snatch away their banners even after seeing they were merely support material for the idols. They fought and fought, despite their identities were recorded by their COVID pass and facial recognition. Many confessed they had no idea what gg was singing during the show; they were too busy. They were there, some paying scalpers > 10x the ticket price, just because they promised the sea of red would be there for gg when he returned. When some realised dd’s banners were confiscated in high numbers because his fans happened to have seats right by the strictest security, they improvised, found an image of a green block to show on their cell phones to make makeshift green support lights for dd. They used Weibo to spread this trick to fellow fans. All these trouble, all these effort, all these planning and scheming and sweat and tears — all for one night, one concert and they laughed about it, called it a wonderful day.

(There are many ways for lives to be hard.)

The very first thing gg and dd need to accomplish, therefore, isn’t to announce what they do in the bedroom—the very first thing they need, for their plan to come to fruition, is to stay on top of the industry. How can they be on the same stage for the yearly Tencent Awards if either of them fails to make VIP? What’s their negotiation chip for a future collaboration, when the current norm is against cps like them working together again, if they cannot draw enough viewers and consumers, or if they offend Tencent and other media companies by refusing to see to the needs of the other side (for example, the need to promote new dramas)? So far, the two of them have accomplished this in flying colours. The other thing they need right now, the way I see it, is for their fans to get along. I think part of the reason they’ve made BJYXSZD so easy to believe in and love, in addition to their very human need to be seen when their careers may be safer otherwise (yes, I think they know what they’re doing, the candies they’re throwing), is because they want their fans to unite, as they have united. To make sure something like 227 cannot happen again, or at least, if it does happen again, their fans cannot be used as an excuse, as scapegoats. And this union is happening — slowly, but it’s happening. The size of BJYX (>2.8 million as of now, on Weibo supertopic) is a powerful indicator; I also had a wonderful time reading the comments of gg’s solo fans who went to purchase dd’s new song. This is the part gg and dd need their fan’s help. This is the one of the fews things we, as overseas fans who have limited access to their products, can help.

Your final question — sorry, this is getting so long again — about leaving. Of course, it’s always up to the government and It’s impossible to say what can happen so far ahead. But my perception, right now at least, is that gg and dd have no intention to leave, no intention to sacrifice their career for their personal lives and vice versa. After all, this is a pair who has answered those A vs B choice questions with a straight-faced “I want both” and “so annoying” without a follow-up reply. They’re right to want both. I like them for wanting both. And maybe, with their intelligence, charisma and hardwork and ambition and personalities that seem to clash but somehow complements each other’s, they will figure out a way. Maybe they are, as the Chinese turtles call them, the Chosen Pair, and they will be the ones who’ll change the perception fo queer artists in China, and we’ll one day get a biography about them and laugh at the candies we get right, laugh harder at those candies we get totally wrong.

(Dd ~ I want your honest opinion, in your own words, on the ones we get wrong.)

(Gg ~ videos of your expressions while reading the crazy theories the first time will be very much appreciated. By me.)

It’s a good day to look forward to.

[sukumen]

CONGRATS ON 2.5k!!!!!! so so deserved!! also i don’t think i ever told u this but you were my first ever mutual on here and i just 💞💕💞💕 if it’s still open can i request bakugou + exes to lovers?

HOORAY FOR 2.5K --- AU/TROPE FICLETS: bakugou x exes to lovers.

notes: things we already knew about me: i overwrite. WOW! this got so long, but i had so much freaking fun with it, i can’t even tell you. it’s my first time writing bakugou and i hope i did him justice, especially with this trope that i love. thank you so so much for the support and love victoria - it’s an honor to have been your first mutual!!!! i hope you enjoy this~

summary: it was an odd match from the start, you and katsuki --- at least that’s what you tell him when you walk away after a year and a half. as you leave, you remind yourself of the probability your quirk had read the night of your first date - 73% chance of breaking up. not certain, sure, but high enough to help you through missing him: this was always going to happen. you tell yourself the same thing a year later when he becomes your protection detail at a support item expo that’s received a major threat: being in the same industry, you were always going to cross paths.

but, over the course of your week together, you start to realize that not everything has a rational explanation, a logical way in or out. not Katsuki, and certainly not the way he makes you feel.

quirk details: reader has a quirk that grants insight into the probability of an outcome occurring. ultimately, she can analyze a situation and determine within seconds how likely a specific outcome is if she was to move forward with all variables unchanged. she uses it primarily to design her support items, but can also use it in personal situations too. notably, she used it to work out how likely it was that she and bakugou were going to break up in a misguided attempt to deal with her feelings.

key limitations: scenarios have to be simple for her quirk to work - she can only determine if something will or won’t happen, not what will happen. the information she has will impact the accuracy of her prediction; this means that using it for personal situations - which often rely on the complicated emotions of other people - can be tricky. but, being emotional too, she doesn’t always remember that….

Snippet (2.7k, slight nsfw at the end):

Your flight ends too quickly for your liking, the walk to the arrivals gate even more so. Katsuki is waiting for you under a Starbucks sign as planned with arms folded over his chest while a second hero - a newcomer to the rankings - makes small talk beside him. 

As you move in their direction, time follows in slow motion, each step rigid as you’re reminded of the day you’d walked the other way and out of his life. You’d been strong willed then and hadn’t turned once to see the look in his eyes as you went. But now, you can’t look anywhere but him, not even when the other hero notices you and waves for your attention.

He hasn’t changed much in the year apart. There’s a littering of scars that you’d noticed on the news and are seeing for the first time in person; but otherwise, Katsuki is the same man you’d always known, imposing but in a way that’s nearly comforting after his years in the public eye.

He seems to be watching you right back, but where your gaze is full of scrutiny, his is practically empty. Looking right through you as you draw near, which doesn’t change even when you still in front of them.

“Hi,” you squeak out, giving an awkward half-bow that you hope neither of them read too much into. The person beside Katsuki - hero name Phantom - introduces themselves right back, their bow deeper before they return to their rambling. They’re too caught up to note the way you and Katsuki don’t share names with each other and, with the moment lost, have gone to avoiding each other’s eyes altogether.  

The tension lasts until the other support item maker - a man you recognize from the flight - emerges from baggage claim. The sight of him shifts the tides and you all start to gather your things for the hotel. Katsuki still hasn’t said a word to you, though if the others have noticed, it doesn’t show. You, of course, have and even as you trail behind him and Phantom to make small talk with the other designer, your eyes linger over his broad back.

Somehow, you’d expected more...anger when he saw you next. 

Of course, this calm is pleasant, especially when you’re in public. But, there’s something about it that’s disappointing as well. Leaves you with an emptiness in your gut that you push past with animated conversation with your new companion.

[ … ] 

“Who was she?” Your eyes screw shut before the words even make it out. How embarrassing --- all that talk to yourself about letting it go and you fold not even three steps into your shared suite. It’s none of your business who she is -- it’s none of your business what he does. But, your heart twists every time you think about the two of them in the back of the welcoming party. You’ve never seen him like that - at least not from an outsider’s lens - leaning into another person so closely and the curiosity comes tumbling out of you before you can stop it.

Katsuki is silent for a long while; long enough that you almost think he hadn’t heard you. But, the stiffness in his shoulders tells you aren’t so lucky and after a moment of you watching him untie his shoes, he finally turns to look at you. The glance is brief, but poignant, before his focus returns to himself --- this time, his tie. “I don’t think you’re in any place to be asking me that,” he grunts, tugging at the fabric until it loosens.

Embarrassment sears your throat, a sting you feel behind the eyes as you turn them towards the floor. It’s bad enough that you’d given into the urge to ask, but Katsuki being so straightforward is mortifying. He’s right, of course, but what makes it worse is that he’s not even trying to belittle you with that answer. He means it as simply and plainly as he’s said it: you’re in no position to ask him to tell you something like that.

Self-indulgence from you is rare and you find it’s for this very reason. When you step out of the safety of your logic, your equations, your reasoning, you always manage to trip yourself up. Even now, you want to push, misplaced jealousy gnashing its teeth at the back of your mind. But, his response has sobered you  and you lock it and your curiosity up tight with a stiff apology and a goodnight.

Katsuki doesn’t look up again until your door closes behind you.

[ … ] 

When the chaos has gone, and dust settled, a gang of thirty-something villains is in handcuffs and you’re banged up; ankle throbbing, but very much alive. You haven’t seen Katsuki since he’d stashed you away with the others with a promise to come back, but you’ve heard enough steady explosions to think he must be okay. 

Still, you want proof. When the panic room door opens with a creak, his face isn’t the first you see, but it’s all you’re thinking about. Him, and getting back to him. You want to say it’s the last of your adrenaline, but even you know better. Know adrenaline from longing well, even with your limited experience and you let yourself admit something you’ve hidden for twelve months.

You miss him. 

And even with the lengthy process that usually follows a villain attack, this will likely be the last full day you’ll have with him for the rest of your life.

The realization makes the panic room shrink to a quarter of the size, pain punching air out of your lungs so fast your vision swims. You need to go, you tell yourself, Katsuki’s promise lost in the static of your upset -- you can’t be here right now.

Your ankle smarts when you start putting real pressure on it, but the pain isn’t enough to stop you from pushing to the front of the line to leave.  With each step past someone else, you hear sneers and you think you apologize, but when you’re so cotton-mouthed, you can’t really be sure.

Either way, it doesn’t slow you. The madness makes it easy to peel away from the crowd and though it takes you some time, you don’t stop until you’ve made it outside where you can breathe. For everything that’s happened in the last forty-five minutes, the island’s relatively unaffected, air as cool and breezy as every other night that week. The only real sign of the attack where you are are sirens and voices rising from the other side of the expo center - where you imagine Katsuki to be. 

The thought - that he’s so close - should be comforting, but your despair does good work to keep it bittersweet; to remind you that it won’t be for much longer. It has to be selfish to be so upset when this had all been your choice to begin with; but for the first time since the breakup, you don’t try to explain away what you’re feeling. To dissect and rationalize so you can avoid it altogether. 

For the first time since the breakup, you let it all in.

[ … ]

It takes Katsuki fifteen minutes to find you. Each one finds him more agitated than the last as he works himself up, searching every space by the now empty panic room to figure out where you’d gone. 

At first, he’d assumed the best - that you’d been ushered with the rest of the group to the lobby waiting with police and paramedics. But, a quick skim of the crowd came up empty for your familiar face and panic set in not long after. 

An admittedly tense conversation with the officer that had unsealed the room revealed that one civilian - a woman with a noticeable limp - had broken away from the group just as the doors opened. It’d done well to calm him, knowing someone had seen you after the fighting was over, but he’s hardly settled, if the way he stomps through the floor is anything to go by. “She never fucking listens,” he growls to no one in particular, eyes narrowed in razor sharp focus. 

He’s worked up, above all, by his worry. But he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t vaguely wounded by the fact you hadn’t let him come back like promised. It draws him back, despite his best efforts, to the day you left --- the day you told him in no uncertain terms that you’d always expected one of you to leave, what with that know-it-all quirk of yours.

He’d felt then as he does now: utterly untrusted. Like he’s behind without even knowing there’s a race --- like he’s lost without any hope to catch up. He doesn’t like it, feeling that way again, and it gets him so unnerved that he starts to revert to old habits. Shoulders bowed, hands stuffed into his pockets, and, notably, taking a foot to every door that could stand between him and wherever the hell you’ve disappeared to. 

When he finds you, finally, behind the fourth, it’s with a kick so firm it turns your sob into a strangled squeak. 

[ ... ] 

“I thought I told you to stay put---” There’s venom in Katsuki’s voice, but a sort you know well. Worried more than enraged, even if his expressive face doesn’t show it. You move to answer, but he steps in before you can, eyes locked eerily on your face. “...Why the hell are you crying?” You reach up for your wet cheeks, cursing internally; you’d hoped to be well through this before you faced him again so the question catches you off guard. Long enough that Katsuki can close the distance and kneel at your feet, pulling your fingers away from your face so he can inspect it. “You gonna say something or what? Did someone hurt you?” 

You can tell he’s biting his tongue, tempering his rage until he’s sure there’s something to rage about. But even that muted anger can be dangerous and you’re quick to shake your head, hands coming up again to wipe your face. “No! No, it’s...just my ankle. From before, when we were running.”

Relief spreads in Katsuki’s face hearing that, like he’s grateful that that’s all it is. But, his frown stays put, deepening some when he reaches down for your ankle and watches your expression sour from the touch. “Hm. Doesn’t seem broken or anything.” He turns thoughtfully towards the building behind him, stilling at the sounds rising from the busy lobby. You try to glean purpose from his face, but have to wait until he speaks up again to work out what he’s doing. “‘S gonna take ages for them to see you right now. I can wrap your ankle up at the hotel and take you in for a check up before tomorrow’s flight.” 

You nod wordlessly, grateful for the chance to avoid anyone else for the night.

[ … ]

The quiet in your suite as Katsuki carries you in is a blessing.

You hadn’t realized how badly overwhelmed you were until you’d been alone on the balcony, so even just a few minutes going through the expo center was too much. Katsuki had picked up on it and hesitated very little in hoisting you up so you could move quickly through the crowd and rubble.

You’d insisted he didn’t need to do it at all, let alone again in the hotel; but just one glance at you down the slope of his nose had silenced you.

The first thing he does when the door shuts behind you is set you down on the couch, warning you to stay still with a look alone. When you’re settled, he disappears into his room before emerging with an impressively stocked first aid kit. And for the second time that night, he’s on his knees for you, taking your swollen ankle in hand to inspect it more closely. 

With so much happening earlier, his touch on the balcony was easy to drown out. Now, there’s nowhere to focus but him and the press from his palm as it cups your bare skin. He runs a thumb over scratches you hadn’t noticed, the way he traces the lines almost pensive, before his attention turns to the kit beside him. 

You, all the while, are stock still, frozen from the heat of his touch. It’s nothing compared to his mouth or the weight of his full body, but after so many months apart, it bowls you over all the same.

You don’t notice you’re crying again until he says something.

“You’re not crying over the ankle,” he says simply, though his touch softens just in case as he brings it into his lap with some bandage wrap.

You don’t know what it is, but something in the way he asks compels your honesty and you nod, feeling pathetic as you sniffle and look down at your hands.

“You gonna tell me what’s really going on then?”

You swallow thickly, words already threatening to bubble up like they had the night of the welcoming party. “I...I don’t think I can.” Or should, rather - you don’t need to use your quirk to know that nothing good could come out of this.

But, Katsuki is firm, shaking his head as he starts to wind the first layer of bandage carefully around your ankle. “Well, I’m sayin’ you can. So, don’t go crying by yourself for some dumb reason like that. If you don’t want to, you don’t want to. But if you do, you can.” 

He says it like it’s simple. Like it’s a given. And beside your better judgment, you lean into that open assuredness. You’d always loved it about him, after all --- the way he so firmly believes that nothing could stop him - or anyone - if he didn’t let it. For some people, it was self-importance, but nights holding him after good and bad days had taught you otherwise -- it was bravery.

Bakugou Katsuki was the bravest man you’d ever known. A blaze that shone so bright on its own that you felt out of place beside him -- like you couldn’t give him what he needed --  and decided for you both that that meant you didn’t have a chance. 

But, in the quiet of your suite, with Katsuki sitting comfortably at your feet, you decide that maybe he’s rubbed off on you some. That maybe, in your time alone, you’ve become a lot braver than you realized.

So, you suck in a deep breath, look him square in the eye, and tell him the truth.

“I miss you, Katsuki.”

[ … ]

He holds your hands to the mattress so tight they hurt, but the ache is welcome. You know him well, even now, and can read between the lines of your intertwined fingers. 

He’d missed you too.

All these days of looking through you, past you had been intentional to protect himself, but here, now, he’s completely laid bare. Mouth kiss swollen and eyes lined with tears he’ll wave off later, Katsuki is spilling out every ounce of love he’d held back the day you told him you’d always planned to leave.

You meet him halfway with an arch off the bed to chase his kisses and tell him that you love him --- and you’re sorry --- between each one.

The weight of his body is as precious as you remember and the heat of your tangled limbs lulls you into a daze that pulls your eyes shut.

Katsuki doesn’t notice at first as he’s dragging his mouth over your bare neck, but when he does, he’s quickly displeased. “Look at me,” he hisses, fingers tightening between yours. Your eyes open heavily and it takes you a moment to find his gaze in the darkness. But, once you’re back, he presses his forehead to yours and slowly, carefully presses forward until his cock’s stretched you to the hilt.

The fill feels like coming home. 

[mental-ch-illness]

so like. i broke up with my ex about a year ago after her being abusive towards me (emotional manipulation, threatened stuff, kept calling me a man even when i stated i was genderqueer, unfun stuff), yet recently I cant stop thinking about her?? and i feel god awful bc im in a much healthier relationship now and my current partner doesnt deserve me thinking about someone toxic. i kind of miss her? but also just caught up in how she treated me and how i shouldve left sooner. is this normal? my partner doesnt seem to mind but i still feel bad that i think this way. sorry for dropping this. been following this blog for a lil while and felt safe enough to ask

hi! i’m so glad you feel safe enough to vent. that means a lot to hear. i’m sorry if this response is late, i’m slowly getting back into the swing of things.

this is a common problem i believe many people with bpd— and even some neurotypicals— face. granted, i would definitely say that people with bpd (and those with trauma in general) experience this on a much deeper and inherently distressing manner than those who do not. it is very normal, and you are far from alone.

one thing i find very helpful is to examine my behaviors to what would’ve been adaptive ‘in the wild’. we can find a lot of insight from the ways we evolved. these things are meant for survival, much like the many maladaptive coping skills and strategies we adopt from our traumatic past. this does NOT mean that these are good things for our well being, especially in today��s world, but putting them in context can help us understand why we feel this way. that is a very important aspect of overcoming our past.

humans are very social creatures, and that is not by coincidence. our brain gives us the happy chemicals when we feel accepted in social circles because being a part of a community was key to survival. in a group, we are taken care of, have more security, learn from each other, etc. a really awesome video that demonstrates compassion in humanity from prehistoric time is Disabilities in Prehistory, by TREY the Explainer. you can get a good idea of how vital social groups are to survival overall through the lens of prehistoric compassion. this is why we have evolved to be dependent on social bonds.

so, we know the brain rewards us for positive social bonds, but the vice versa is also true. it gives us a negative reaction (cringe, depression, envy, anxiety) when we lose these bonds and fall out of social groups, even when we fundamentally know this person or these people are a detriment to our wellbeing. as our mental health kills us slower than starvation or exposure, our brain will always choose to prioritize survival over what is inherently good for us. this why i theorize it is so hard for people in abusive relationships to just ‘leave’. the idea of separating yourself from someone your brain identifies as the key to survival is viewed as potentially dangerous. that doesn’t make it right, but our brain is running on hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of evolution. it’s hardwired this way. you cannot change that.

while that sounds depressing, it provides a good deal of insight into how we overcome this. many people seem to think that recovery is simply no longer automatically feeling these emotions or experiencing these symptoms. that is not true. therapy, medication, and lifestyle changes are not a quick fix. if you’re wondering ‘why am i not better yet?’ you might be more focused in on that automatic, survival driven response than you’re aware of. to overcome the limitations of your evolutionary hardware, you need to update your software.

you’ve identified what you’re experiencing, which is distress and grief over a loss, and now that you have an understanding of the why, now it’s the process of learning the triggers. what is making you feel this way? what experiences surround this sudden onset of emotion? this is where a journal or mood tracking app (i use daylio! just add emotions in activities and refer to the ‘rad, good, meh, bad, awful’ as a rating system of 1 to 5 for overall mood) can come in handy. you have a physical reference to look back on. for example, when you look back on the times you feel this way maybe you notice it’s always when you’re alone. when you’re idle, you brain might associate that with abandonment. a good solution is to keep your brain busy. reach out to friends, start a puzzle, play with pets, clean your room, listen to music, find new distractions. when you get into these habits of avoiding these triggers, you prevent these mood dips are start installing the software to override that hardware. this is called recovery.

i really hope this helped you!

maple

[nerdythebard]

#12: The Doctor [Doctor Who]

Brother, I disown you...

I don't know what my friend/chosen brother was thinking when he made this request... Actually, no, I know exactly what he was thinking! Well, no time to dawdle, let's do this Time Warp. Again.

Next Time: Before we return to the gods, I want to make a character very close to my heart. He is also a Doctor... only, word of warning, he's a little... Strange.

Well then... sigh, let's see the goals we need to meet to make the most brilliant alien in television playable in D&D:

Heroes Never Die: The signature ability of a Time Lord (and the most problematic), a way to cheat death and return to life. Yes, somehow we need to make a virtually immortal character in Dungeons & Dragons...

Bunny-Ears Lawyer: Even in his relatively serious regenerations, the Doctor is prone to flashes of randomness, acts of nonsense, mixing puns and physical comedy to often hide the incredibly fast and advanced brain processes.

Go-Go Gadget Galore: Do I even need to say anything? Besides his trusty TARDIS (which will not be included here, we're making the Doctor, not his equipment!), the Doctor also brandishes sonic devices of multiple varieties, psychic paper, the thing that goes DING, etc.

---

As you can imagine, finding the right race replacement for Time Lords wasn't easy. I'm definitely not using The-Movie-That-Does-Not-Exist solution, and making the Doctor... half-human, urgh. All we need to do is find a humanoid, almost-fossil race that can come back from death a limited amount of times.

The Doctor is a Human Revenant, a playtest race from Unearthed Arcana: Gothic Heroes. In-game, Revenant is an undead that came back to life to pursue a certain goal, whether it's vengeance, retribution, or to make amends. Putting some flavour into it, and turning it into a long-living, mysterious being who perhaps came from the Astral Plane to search for a way to save his home planet... why not? Regular Revenants get only a +1 to Constitution, but if we're using pre-existing race (such as Human), there's another set of rules. So, we get a +1 Constitution and +1 Intelligence, and we don't get to pick a skill or a feat. Not yet.

What's most important here is the Revenant's Relentless Nature feature. We are assigned a goal, a very specific one, that we must complete in order to achieve peace. Work with your DM on that one (the saving-your-home-world one from before sounds like a good start). Until we complete the goal:

If we are below Hit Points Maximum, at the start of our turn we regain 1 Hit Point;

We know the distance and direction to any creature involved in our goal (perhaps a fellow, once-friend Time Lord?);

When we die, we come back to life within 24 hours with 1 Hit Point. If our body is destroyed, we come back in a spot within 1 mile of our place of death (unfortunately, our equipment is destroyed);

BOOM! JUST FLAVOUR EACH DEATH AS A CHANGE OF FACE AND PERSONALITY, AND WE HAVE THE REGENERATION SYSTEM! HAH! YOU SEE THAT, BROTHER!?

Ekhm... back to work, then.

The Doctor is pretty far from home, so giving him the Far Traveller background seems like the right approach. We gain proficiencies in Insight and Perception skills, proficiencies with one musical instrument (perhaps a recorder?)/gaming set, we learn one language of our choice, and we get the All Eyes on You feature; our mannerisms and quirks definitely draw attention towards us and our group, but we can take advantage of that in order to fish for some information, secure an audience with the local nobleman, or... I dunno, snog Madame de Pompadour?

ABILITY SCORES

No surprise there, we start with Intelligence. We have a literal Big Galaxy Brain™ and we use it often, and only sometimes to show off. Follow that up with Dexterity, we're nimble and we're doing a lot of running, especially when being chased (plus, we've invented the Drunken Giraffe dance). Constitution is next, the Gallifreyan biology is significantly superior to that of regular Terrans.

Next up, Charisma. It usually works, sometimes it doesn't, but even then we're kinda adorkable. Wisdom is a little low, I think we all shall agree to that, the Doctor is a creature of whim. He gets lost in thought, has a hard time remembering to explain his logic to others. Finally, we're dumping Strength. Now, we're definitely physically stronger than humans, I just don't remember any particular feats of super-strength in the show.

Heck, you want even more Time Lord shenanigans? Ask your DM to implement the "every death/regeneration makes all ability scores randomly switch places" rule.

CLASS

Level 1 - Artificer: Once again, nobody is surprised we begin with the Smart & Techy One™ for the Doctor. Artificers were brought to 5e via Tasha's Cauldron of Everything. These magical tinkers have d8 Hit Dice, [8 + Constitution modifier] initial Hit Points, proficiencies with light armour, medium armour, heavy armour, shields, simple weapons, and optionally firearms (although that's definitely not the Doctor's style). We additionally get proficiency with thieves' tools, tinker's tools, and one set of artisan's tools we choose. We can't get the sonic screwdriver (although if you want one, hint to your DM about the existence of the All-Purpose Tool), we have all these tools to replace it with. Our saving throws are Constitution and Intelligence, and we get to pick two class skills: let's get History and Investigation.

Artificers start with Magical Tinkering, an ability to bestow harmless magical properties onto inanimate objects. We choose a Tiny object with no magic in it, and grant it one of the following properties indefinitely:

It sheds bright light for 5 feet and dim light for an additional 5;

Whenever tapped, the object plays a recorded message no longer than six seconds;

The object continuously emits a smell or a sound of our choice;

A static image (picture, lines of text, shapes, etc.) appear on the object's surface.

Artificers are also casters, so at the first level, we get Spellcasting. Our casting ability is, of course, Intelligence and the number of spells we can prepare is equal to [our Intelligence modifier + half of our Artificer level rounded down]. We also know how to cast rituals.

We start with two cantrips:

Magic Stone lets us imbue three pebbles with magic (or perhaps, in this case, kinetic energy?) for 1 minute. We can then use the pebbles ourselves, or give them to somebody else. On a successful hit, the target suffers [1d6 + our Intelligence modifier] bludgeoning damage and the spell ends on that particular pebble.

Prestidigitation is a cantrip of plenty varieties, which very well could be disguised as the Doctor's tinkering with his sonic screwdriver. It can be used to warm or chill food, clean or soil objects, or perhaps lighting and snuffing our small flames.

We start with two 1st-level spell slots, and we get three 1st-level spells:

Alarm sets up a secured perimeter, no larger than a 20-feet cube, for 8 hours. Whenever a create not-designated as safe while setting the spell, crosses its boundary, we get a signal informing us about the intrusion, which also wakes us up if we're sleeping. The signal can be set to inform only us, or everybody around.

Detect Magic informs us of any magical activity within 30 feet of us for 10 minutes (concentration). We sense magic lingering on objects, people, as well as locations, and we can determine the type of magic present (but not a particular spell, for example, we sense that a spell on the object is enchantment-type, but not that it's Power Word: Kill).

Identify is... pretty much the one function of the sonic screwdriver we've all seen. It lets us learn about an object we choose, including its magical properties (if any) and if it's affected by any spells. And it works on wood!

With a spell list like that, we can safely say

Level 2 - Artificer: We continue with the Tech Savvy Class, and we learn the Artificer's signature skill, Infuse Item. It lets us bestow magical properties onto mundane items. Similarly to Warlock's Invocations, Artificers have Infusions they can select and put into items. Starting from this level, we can infuse two items at once, and we get to pick four Infusions from the list. For the Doctor, let's pick:

Replicate Magic Item: Bag of Holding is probably the most useful infusion in the early game. The infusion does exactly what it says, and a Bag of Holding is always a good item to own (just watch out for the Bag Man!)

Enhanced Defence infusion puts some extra protection (+1 to AC) onto an armour or a shield.

Mind Sharpener is a helping hand for any spellcaster. The infusion put onto an armour, or woven into a robe, sends a jolt to re-focus the mind. When the wearer fails a Constitution saving throw to keep their concentration, one charge (out of four) of the infusion expends, to make them succeed instead. The charges are refilled at dawn.

Returning Weapon gives a +1 to attack and damage rolls of the weapon it's applied on and makes it return to the wielder's hand immediately after it's used to make a ranged attack. With the keyword "immediately", it gives your Rangers and other bow-users infinite ammunition with just one arrow.

We can also get one more 1st-level spell: Disguise Self changes our appearance for 1 hour, or until we choose to dismiss it as an action. The spell affects our body, clothing, and items we carry (including weapons). It is not a physical disguise, just an illusion woven around us; if we make ourselves thinner than we really are, and somebody was to touch the space where our regular body would be, they're going to feel the body, albeit invisible. For the Doctor, this seems like a combination of psychic paper and the Chameleon Circuit.

Level 3 - Artificer: At this level, we get the Right Tool for the Job feature. If we have thieves' tools or artisan's tools in hand, we can create any other set of artisan's tools.

We also get to pick our subclass, our Artificer Specialization. The Doctor is no alchemist, and we'll probably build Tony Stark at some time in the future, therefore we're picking Battle Smith. Those tinkers are masters of protections, being able to put up defensive mechanisms on the spot. Since the Doctor is a diplomat first, runner second, and combatant very close and reluctant third, focusing on support is a good option.

As a Battle Smith, we gain proficiencies with smith's tools, and we gain some more magic with Battle Smith Spells:

Heroism imbues the willing creature with bravery. Until the spell ends (1 minute, concentration), the target is immune to being frightened and gains Temporary Hit Points equal to our Intelligence modifier at the start of each of their turns (AKA every six seconds). When the spell ends, any Temporary Hit Points remaining are lost.

Shield creates an invisible barrier as a reaction to getting hit. It adds +5 to our AC until the start of our next turn.

Although a reluctant fighter, the Doctor as a Battle Smith also gets the Battle Ready feature. We gain proficiency with martial weapons, and when we attack with a magic weapon, we can use our Intelligence modifier instead of Strength or Dexterity for attack and damage rolls.

Finally, Battle Smiths get the Steel Defender. With our tinkering, we create our first companion, a steel defender; it is friendly to us and our companions and obeys our commands. With that, we got ourselves the one and only K9

Level 4 - Artificer: At this level, we get our first Ability Score Improvement! However, instead of upgrading our abilities this time, we'll grab a feat. The Telepathic feat from Tasha's Cauldron of Everything will represent the Doctor's limited psychic abilities: we increase one of our non-physical abilities by 1, let's go for Intelligence. We can speak telepathically to any creature within 60 feet, but the creature cannot reply (unless they're telepathic too, of course). Finally, we can touch a Detect Thoughts spell once per long rest, without a need to expend spell slots. Give your target a good headbutt, and learn their surface thoughts.

We also get our final spell: Catapult turns one inanimate object that isn't worn or carried (and weighs from 1 to 5 pounds) and turns it into a remote projectile. The object flies in a straight line for 90 feet before losing its momentum and falling. If it hits a creature, they have to make a Dexterity saving throw or take 3d8 bludgeoning damage. Distract your pursuers with a head of cabbage flying at their heads.

Level 5 - Rogue: We say goodbye to the Artificer, as we move onto Rogue for the rest of the build. Rogues use the same Hit Dice as Artificers, so nothing really changes when it comes to our Hit Points. We already have proficiency with light armour and thieves' tools, but we can pick one class skill – let's pick Acrobatics for better running and parkour chances when escaping aliens and responsibilities.

Rogues start with Expertise, which lets us double our proficiency bonus (NOT ability modifier) for two skills of our choice: let's boost Insight and History, to best utilize our centuries of living. We also learn how to speak Thieves' Cant, a special system of phrases and signals used by other Rogues to communicate without revealing their secrets. Finally, we have Sneak Attack: once per turn we can add 1d6 extra damage if a) we have an advantage on our roll, or b) the target is within 5 feet of another creature hostile towards it. The attack must be done by either a ranged weapon or one with the finesse property (like a dagger or a rapier).

Level 6 - Rogue: We get Cunning Action, which let us turn some Actions we can do in combat into Bonus Actions. That way, we still have an Action to spare if we decide to use Dash, Disengage, or Hide. Considering how much running the Doctor does, it's good to have something else to do just in case.

Level 7 - Rogue: Our Sneak Attack changes to 2d6.

We also get to pick our second subclass, our Roguish Archetype. Now, initially, I considered going Swashbuckler, as it combines nimble footwork and gives us some charm abilities. However, since we're going with the build that emphasizes support and actual combat as a last resort, we'll go with Inquisitive.

We start this subclass with Ear for Deceit, whenever we roll Insight checks to determine if a creature is lying to us, we treat each roll of 7 or lower as 8.

We also get Eye for Detail. This is mostly to be used in combat (or if your DM runs dungeons in Initiative Mode), as it allows us to use Perception or Investigation checks as a bonus action, where it would normally take an action.

Finally, Inquisitive Rogues get Insightful Fighting. As a bonus action, we can make an Insight check, contested by the enemy's Deception check. If we succeed, for 1 minute we can use our Sneak Attack on the target even if we don't have an advantage or the target isn't near another of its enemies.

Level 8 - Rogue: Time for another ASI! Let's raise our Intelligence by 1 point, and use the spare one for Strength.

Level 9 - Rogue: Our Sneak Attack changes to 3d6.

We also get Uncanny Dodge. Whenever we're being hit by an attack, we can use our reaction to halve the damage dealt.

Level 10 - Rogue: Halfway through the build, and we get another shot at Expertise. Once again, we get two skills to which we can double our proficiency bonus. Let's go with Perception and Investigation.

Level 11 - Rogue: Our Sneak Attack becomes 4d6.

We also get one of the better abilities in the game, Evasion. If we're being targeted by an AoE attack that would deal half damage on a successful Dexterity saving throw, we take no damage if we make the save. What that means is, we can now take a Fireball face-on, shrug it off and loudly proclaim

Level 12 - Rogue: We get another ASI. Let's improve our Dexterity by two points this time.

Level 13 - Rogue: Our Sneak Attack becomes 5d6.

We also get another subclass feature. Steady Eye gives us an advantage on Perception or Investigation checks if we move no more than half of our movement speed on our turn.

Level 14 - Rogue: Time for another ASI. Let's focus on getting some more Hit Points this time, and get +2 points to Constitution.

Level 15 - Rogue: Our Sneak Attack becomes 6d6.

At this level, we get Reliable Talent, which upgrades our abilities to almost anime protagonist-level. Whenever we make a check for a skill we're proficient in, we treat all rolls of 9 and lower as 10.

Level 16 - Rogue: We're getting one more ASI. Let's raise our Dexterity again, putting 2 points in it.

Level 17 - Rogue: Our Sneak Attack becomes 7d6.

We get our final subclass upgrade for this build, the Unerring Eye. We can now sense illusions and magical tricks within 30 feet, as well as shapechangers not in their original form. We can detect there is an effect trying to trick our senses around us, but we don't know its nature (i.e. if we meet a creature that activates our sense, we cannot distinguish whether it's a Disguise Self spell, or a natural shapeshifting ability, or a Druid's Wild Shape).

Level 18 - Rogue: We get another one of the best abilities in the game, Blindsense. We can now detect the presence of invisible and hidden creatures within 10 feet radius of us.

Level 19 - Rogue: Our Sneak Attack becomes 8d6.

Our mind becomes more slippery with Slippery Mind. We gain proficiency in Wisdom saving throws.

Level 20 - Rogue: Our build's capstone is Rogue 16, which is also our final ASI. Let's finally cap Intelligence, as it should've been from the start when it comes to Time Lords.

---

There it is. My take on how to play as the Doctor in Dungeons & Dragons. I believe I've covered most if not all of the important features the Doctor has, but let's see:

Let's face it, we're not a frontline fighter... we're not even a backline fighter. We support. With 14 AC (without armour), 151 Hit Points on average, and a +4 to Initiative, our job is to manoeuvre, around the battlefield and let our friends take care of the enemy, while we do other things. With Reliable Talent and Expertise we are great at sweeping the room for clues and hints, even if in the heat of battle. Thanks to Unerring Eye and Blindsense, our senses aren't that easy to fool.

Unfortunately, our Strength is not great, and that means some weapons are just a hindrance (unless we pick a finesse weapon, which replaces Strength with Dexterity). While we have late-game proficiency in Wisdom saving throws, throughout the earlier stages those might prove a little problem.

---

And that is it for this build. I hope that you guys enjoyed it, and I'll see you for the next one!

- Nerdy out!

[marshmallow-phd]

Bottom of the Glass

Genre: Bodyguard!AU, Angst

Pairing: Jinyoung  x Reader

Summary: It’d been almost ten years since you left the life of glitz and cameras behind, never looking back. But someone refused to let go. When danger comes knocking, your father insists on hiring the best to keep you safe. Reluctant, you agree. Park Jinyoung is constantly by your side, but as the stalker gets closer, will he be able to keep you safe without getting too close himself?

Part: 1 I 2

**

Dan pouted at your lack of enthusiasm to go along with his joke. Jinyoung seemed to find it somewhat amusing, given the smirk on his face. But he got over it fairly quickly.

“If you don’t mind, Daniel, I would like to talk to Miss (y/n) about the measures we’ll take to ensure her safety.”

“Absolutely,” Dan agreed. He looked at you and then back at Jinyoung. “I’ll leave you two to discuss… safety measures.”

You rolled your eyes as your friend’s retreating back. Not waiting for Jinyoung to start his no-doubt rehearsed speech on how he was going to upend your life, you went back to your desk and cleaned off the food and napkins that covered the surface. You finished your glass of wine and sat down in the chair. Jinyoung remained standing, the smirk gone, nothing left but a blank, distant expression. With no prompt from you, he got started.

“Your father has already provided me with a key to your apartment and I’ve met with the security staff there. I will have access to the cameras from my phone both for the apartment building and the hotel. I will drive you wherever you want to go, but for the time being you should limit your activities to work, home, and grocery stores. If you can work from home, that would be even better. There are agencies that will pick up your groceries and deliver them. That should be an avenue to utilize. I’m currently running background checks on employees, apartment staff and your close friends.”

“What?” A few drops of the water you had taken a sip from to counteract the wine you’d chugged found their way down the wrong pipe in your throat. “You’re looking into my friends?” You scoffed. “That’s how you knew about Dan’s line.”

“One can’t be too careful.”

“It’s Dan. He runs away from fireflies and organizes his clothes by color than by season. “Fake, pig, or otherwise, he wouldn’t have the stomach to go anywhere near blood.” If there was one person you could trust not to be behind all the phone calls and the bloody package, it would be Dan. And you refused to let this overreaching, overpaid babysitter make you paranoid and isolate everyone in your life.

Jinyoung shrugged, unmoved by your argument. “It’s the job. I can’t rule anyone out, no matter who they are to you.”

“Who’s next? My cousins?”

The silence was enough of an answer.

Leaning back in your chair, you closed your eyes and rubbed the space between your brows. “Listen. I am not working from my apartment. I have too many meetings and too much work to stay on my couch in my sweatpants. If there’s a function that requires my presence, then I’m going to go.” To let him know that you were completely serious, you opened your eyes and held his gaze. “You’re here at the insistence of my father. I’m tolerating this for his sake. But - and I will keep saying this - I’m not going to let that weirdo who is obsessed with a long forgotten past mess up my life now.”

Seconds of silence ticked by. Jinyoung kept your gaze, unmoving and unreadable. The more you stared back, the more you saw what Dan possibly saw.

This bodyguard was nothing like you had expected. He was on the shorter side, not intimidating at first glance. If you looked too long at his face, as long as he wasn’t smiling, then maybe he could insight… some sort of emotion. But you felt nothing. Nothing but annoyance, that is.

As both an actor and a director in this company, you’d learned to read people. You’d learned to search their faces for the emotions hidden underneath, to pick apart what they otherwise wanted to hide. But it was baffling to you how cutoff Jinyoung was. You saw nothing in his eyes that gave away the thoughts in his head.

Shifting minutely, he finally said, “But what is a life that’s a little out of order compared to no life at all?”

A bit of... an eccentric way to put it. “Poetic.”

He let out a fairly short laugh. “It’s been known to happen.”

You were still skeptical. You still didn’t want your life to be whirled around like you were caught in a tornado. But he had a point - the winds were already coming. And you couldn’t outrun a storm.

Crossing your arms and legs, you gave a smirk of your own. “You are certainly… not a cliché.”

He raised an eyebrow. “What were you expecting?”

“I don’t know. Something more of a Dwayne Johnson type?”

“You need speed, not strength.”

“Did you just insult The Rock?”

Over the direction of the conversation, Jinyoung sighed. “Are you done for the night? I need to inspect your apartment.”

Oh, gosh. You rarely had strangers over. Was your place even clean? Were there dishes in the sink? Fresh clothes that still needed to be put away? It didn’t matter if your apartment was pristine or in shambles like a hotel after Spring Break, you knew the bodyguard was going to force his way in. So you gave way, nodding and standing up from your desk. What was left could wait until tomorrow.

 A short car ride followed up a brief yet heated conversation in the parking garage as to who was driving. Jinyoung all but implied that he was the better driver with faster reflexes while you insisted that no one knew your car as well as you did. A pitiful argument. Your car didn’t have special modifications or a tricky gear. It was a standard, newer model that drove basically like any other motorized vehicle. It was nothing more than your first powerplay – and Jinyoung had won.

If your stalker wanted you to feel like that teenage actress again, they were succeeding.

Back then, you weren’t allowed to drive either. Too risky since teenagers had a tendency to get into more accidents and – whether it was your fault or not – whatever fender-bender you got into would end up in the tabloids. Add in the fact that you were usually in cities that you weren’t entirely familiar with and it was just best to be chauffeured whenever possible. At least this time you were able to sit in the front seat.

You handed Jinyoung the keycard that granted access to the parking garage and guided him to your assigned spot. No more words were spoken as the two of you got out of the car and headed inside.

The lobby was the only entrance to and from the garage for “security” (a word that you were going to get really tired of here soon). Once your feet hit the transition from concrete to polished tile, you headed for the elevators. Jinyoung, however, steered you away with a hand on the shoulder. His destination was the front desk where the doorman sat behind a marble barrier.

“Ah, you must be Park Jinyoung,” Walt, the doorman, greeted with a smile. He stood from his chair and leaned over the barrier to shake Jinyoung’s hand.

Walt was the doorman that you liked. He always wore a smile and had a gentle, uncle-like feel to him. The kind of uncle you enjoyed being around, not the annoying, obnoxious kind that you steered clear from at family gatherings. That title belonged to Newman, who mostly worked the late-night shift. For good reason.

“Your firm head met with us yesterday and went over the broad stroke of things. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to sit in on the meeting with our security staff earlier today with you present.” Walt didn’t seem effected by the news of your new bodyguard in the slightest.

“That’s alright,” Jinyoung nodded. “I’m sure they went over the briefing with you?”

“Absolutely. All packages for Miss (y/n) are to be collected here and left for you to inspect before being passed on to her. I’m to notate any strange behavior I see, both from strangers and from other residents.”

“Good. Good.”

“How’s your mom, Walt?” you asked, hating the feeling of being talked about like you weren’t standing right there. You just hoped that no one else living here was overhearing this conversation. You doubted that they would take too kindly to being watched and investigated like this.

Walt smiled. “She’s doing good. Has her bad days though where she forgets what year it is or that she’s not in the country anymore.”

“I’m sorry.” Your heart went out to Walt. His situation wasn’t the easiest to handle.

“Alzheimer’s?” Jinyoung guessed in a tone that still managed to be sympathetic.

Walt nodded. “It’s slow going, though, so that’s a small blessing.”

“That’s good.”

“Have a good night, Walt,” you said. You were currently fighting back a yawn. Wine always made you tired. You don’t know why you let Dan talk you into having a glass at the office. Maybe it was the stress of your predicament that made you give in so easily.

“Good night, Miss (y/n). Get some rest.”

The smile dropped from your face as soon as the elevator doors closed. Now more than ever, you just wanted to slide between your sheets and go to sleep. There was even a little bit of hope that you would wake up tomorrow and this would all be a dream and Jinyoung would just be a face that your brain chose after seeing him in some designer clothes commercial. If the bodyguard noticed your change in posture or expression, he made no mention of it.

Getting your key into the door was a struggle, but eventually the lock clicked, and you were able to go inside your home. A sense of relief flowed over you when you closed the door behind you.

“You should get some rest,” Jinyoung suggested. This, you would not argue over. He started making rounds through the apartment, looking out the windows and checking the shelves for things you preferred not to think about. 

Grabbing a fresh towel from the hallway closet, you entered your bedroom and straight for the shower. It was twenty minutes of uninterrupted thought-processing. You talked yourself into temporarily thinking that maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

Yes, it was going to suck. Yes, you were going to get annoyed and probably fight with Jinyoung a few more times. But this was just another obstacle life was placing in your way. It was going to be a long hard climb, but you’d make it over sooner or later. As far as you were concerned, this “stalker” would eventually get bored and move on to some other has-been.

Much more relaxed, you got out of the shower and slipped into your sleepwear before going to check on Jinyoung. You found him out in the main living room fluffing up a pillow on the couch. His shoes and jacket were off but you didn’t see them in the immediate vicinity.

“What are you doing?”

He didn’t seem surprised by your sudden appearance, not even looking up at you as he answered, “Getting ready to sleep.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Out here?”

“Yes.”

Maybe he thought that the couch was his only option. Obviously your bedroom was off the table and down the hall. “I have a guest bedroom.” Well, two really, but one was being used more as an extra office-slash-storage space.

“If someone breaks in, I’ll know sooner and can respond better out here.”

You weren’t even going to try and argue. You shrugged. “Okay, have it your way.”

Not being completely heartless, you went back to the hallway closet and got out an extra blanket.

He revealed a small grin when you handed it over. “Thank you.” He sat down on the couch, eyes roaming over the room. His gaze lingered on the entryways and windows. You always kept the curtains closed, except for when it was raining or snowing. Regular sunlight was too bright for your liking and created a glare on the TV. Also… you didn’t like the idea of someone in a building across the way possibly looking in.

Okay, so maybe a little part of your brain had always been paranoid, and you just never wanted to admit. You still refused to do so out loud.

“You can go to bed,” Jinyoung chuckled. “You don’t have to watch over me. That’s my job.”

“Right.” Could you be even more awkward about this situation? Turning to go, you almost took that first step to head to your room, but then another thought jumped into priority. “Are you seriously going to sleep in your suit?”

Jinyoung looked down at his shirt and then back up at you. “Yugyeom will drop my suitcases off tomorrow. This will do for tonight.”

You snorted. “Let me guess, your luggage will contain all white button downs and perfectly tailored slacks.”

“That’s the uniform.”

Shaking your head, you turned to go. And then whipped right back around.

“I can look after myself, you know.” It was your last-ditch effort to get him to ease back. Pointless? More than likely. But you wanted Jinyoung to understand that you were not a poor damsel in distress who couldn’t tie her own shoes. You were used to taking care of yourself, doing what was best for you. The decisions in your life had been yours, for the most part.

Jinyoung’s usually stoic expression softened, if only by a fraction. “No one is doubting that. But two sticks are harder to break than one.”

Unsure of how to respond, you nodded. Now you made it to your room. Leaning back against the door, you blew the air out of your lungs. You still weren’t completely on board with this. You flipped back and forth between accepting it and wanting to fight it.

You had control issues; you can admit to that much. That was what made working in your father’s company so much better for your personality than acting. Or maybe it was because of your famous youth years that you were now obsessed with maintaining control. Whatever the reason was, that didn’t change how you are.

Bright side, (y/n). Think of the bright side.

At least he didn’t seem brutish. He was going to be stubborn on doing things his way, but he wasn’t cruel about it. So far.

He’s just doing his job.

That you didn’t necessarily hire him for.

But your father did. And it eased his worry and therefore would be better for his overall health.

“Just think of it as another acting project,” you told yourself, cringing in the process. “Act like you’re okay with it. Maybe eventually you will be.”

Eventually. Yeah, okay.

Pushing off the door, you shuffled over to the bed and slipped between the covers. It took almost an hour of tossing back and forth, crumpling your sheets and tucking your comforter in the process, but you fell asleep. Eventually.

**

Noise from the television woke you up the next morning. With a groan you flipped over to check your phone that was charging on the nightstand. It was only five-forty in the morning. Who the hell in their right mind was up this early?

Unable to fall back asleep, you gave up and crawled out of bed. After a quick maintenance run in the bathroom, you ventured outside to the living room.

Jinyoung was sitting up on the couch, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees. His brow was furrowed from concentration. The news didn’t seem like anything out of the ordinary to you, but Jinyoung was entranced. The anchor was giving an update on the military conflict in another country. It was sad and depressing. You tried not to think about it too much.

“Did you actually sleep?” you asked in an effort to distract yourself. Still waking up, you wrapped your arms around yourself and let free a yawn.

“Eight hours,” he replied. You had a hard time believing that. Next to him, the blanket was folded with precision, lying neatly on top of the throw pillow. Tonight you would have to remember to get him a real pillow from the guest room to sleep on.

“It doesn’t feel like it.”

Jinyoung glanced at you over his shoulder. “You can go back to sleep.”

You shook your head. “I can’t sleep with noise on.”

“Sorry. I’ll mute the TV.” He started to reach for the remote.

“It’s alright,” you stopped him. “I’m hungry now and won’t go back to sleep with a growling stomach. Have you eaten yet?”

“Not yet.”

“I’ll make breakfast.”

“Thank you.”

You shot his back a curious glance before continuing to the kitchen. Although there was no reason to, you’d expected him to decline. Oh, well. Making breakfast for two shouldn’t be much harder than breakfast for one.

It took about fifteen minutes to put the food together. By that time, your stomach was growling viciously, and you could feel your blood sugar dropping dangerously low. To help stabilize it, you shot down a glass of orange juice. That calmed the stormy waters long enough to finish up. You took a plate out to Jinyoung first, along with silverware. He thanked you for the meal.

“Do you want anything to drink?”

“Do you have coffee?”

You nodded. You were already brewing yourself a cup. “What kind do you like?”

“I’m usually an Americano guy, but I’ll take whatever you’ve got.”

“I can do an Americano,” you said. You, erm, splurged on a nice coffee machine that basically does it all. You like your coffee fancy, as embarrassing as it is. Plain black with just creamer or sugar wasn’t enough for you.

The Americano was easy enough to make. You even had a little teal to-go cup with a lid and straw for Jinyoung to use. He half-scoffed, half-laughed at the thing when you brought it out to him, but he thanked you nonetheless. Now it was your turn to sit and eat. Usually you ate at the table, but Jinyoung was still out in the living room and you felt too awkward to eat in there when he was out here, so you joined him, taking a spot on the recliner. Tucking your feet under you, you began to break your fast. The news had moved on to a lighter, humanitarian topic, so you gave it part of your attention.

Knock, knock, knock.

Jinyoung froze. Slowly and quietly, he put the plate down on the coffee table. His hand slid under the pillow and pulled out a firearm. Now it was your turn to stiffen.

He walked slowly over to the door and peeked through the small peephole. Then his shoulders relaxed. Sliding the gun between his waist band, he opened the door with a huff.

“You’re supposed to call that you’re on your way.”

In stepped a much taller, lankier man than even the one that came with Jaebeom the other day. Though still in a suit, this bodyguard was still very boyish, smiling and giggling as he came into view. His black hair wasn’t perfectly smooth like Jinyoung’s. “I forgot. Bambam was in a hurry to get to his favorite café.”

“Now isn’t really the time for him to be flirting with the baristas,” Jinyoung deadpanned. He reached out and took the suitcase that the other one had rolled in.

“You’re just jealous that he’s better at it than you.” Noticing you, the other bodyguard waived. “Hi! I’m Yugyeom!”

You waved back sheepishly. “Hi.”

“If you get tired of this one watching you,” he jabbed his thumb in Jinyoung’s direction, “I’ll gladly take over. I’m much more fun than hyung here.”

“Yugyeom….” Jinyoung warned.

Yugyeom was undeterred. “He’s already got you up early. He tried to do that with me and Bambam, but we like sleeping. You know, like normal people. Next time, though, you should try to get up before him. He may look scary now, but when he’s sleeping, he’s actually kind of cute—”

“Yugyeom!” Jinyoung snapped. “Don’t you have a briefing to get to?”

The latter checked his watch. “Not for another hour, but I should probably wrangle Bambam away from the café before he busy the place out.” Still giggling, Yugyeom waved to you. “Nice to meet you, (y/n).”

“You, too,” you said with a laugh of your own. Jinyoung all but shoved the poor guy out the door. Once it was shut, he sighed, leaning his forehead and forearm against the wooden barrier.

“One day, I will kill him,” he whispered.

You would be lying if you said that you weren’t enjoying this a little. Jinyoung huffed and turned back to you.

“Eat your breakfast.”

He rolled the suitcase down the hall to the spare bathroom and shut the door. In a much better mood than how you woke up, you picked your silverware back up and ate happily away. If Jinyoung ever got on your nerves, you knew exactly who to contact.