#grandpa joel's van

[beefrobeefcal]

tearful farewell to the van, but hell yeah to the upcoming fic

Such a thoughtful and touching tribute, Toxy. Thank you for including this treasured shot of the interior. I think I can still see the knee prints.

Yours in sin,

Beefro👌🥩💜

[lillaydee]

The Unlucky One Part 11

Joel Miller (No Outbreak AU) / F Reader

When it comes to love, Lady Luck seems to have lost your address. After being left at the altar without so much of an explanation, you decided love is no longer something you are interested in. Not even meeting an unlucky-in-love-himself Mr. Grump could change your mind.

Right?

Let me know if you want to be tagged, or if you want to be removed from the tag list.

WARNINGS: Protective Joel (The Last of Us), Good Parent Joel (The Last of Us), Soft Joel (The Last of Us), Joel is Bad at Feelings (The Last of Us), Joel Needs a Hug (The Last of Us), Hurt Joel (The Last of Us), Grumpy Joel (The Last of Us), Jealousy, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Idiots in Love, unlucky in love, Child Abandonment, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Alternate Universe - No Cordyceps Outbreak (The Last of Us)

@peelieblue, @vickie5446, @harriedandharassed, @lovefreylove @martuxduckling @kikookii @liciafonseca @wowitsafemale @noisynightmarepoetry

SERIES MASTER LIST

Part 10

---

This was weird. This was definitely weird. There must be something wrong with you. You shouldn’t be feeling like this. This was not normal.

You sat in your kitchen with the police officers and detective, Maria, your Dad and Joel with you, as they showed you pictures of the van they had found. It looked like a squatter’s dump. They’d obviously been living in it, a makeshift mattress obviously in the pictures. Blood was everywhere. They requested you and Ellie to give samples for DNA comparison to determine the source, seeing as they couldn’t find your mother or Nell.

You didn’t react to the blood. You didn’t worry, you didn’t fear for your mother or sister’s lives. Nothing. All you could think about was the picture of a small toy chest. It was Nell’s. Well, yours, first. Your Grandma had it made for you. But when Nell came into the picture, your mother simply took it from you because Nell liked it, and unlike you, she deserved it. The pictures showed four holes drilled on the top of the chest, a small, dirty pillow inside.

You recalled the picture Ellie drew. The black rectangle with the yellow edges and four yellow circles.

She said she slept there.

In a box.

And the sleeping in the closet back when she lived in the house? That house had four bedrooms. A closet?

Ellie was a smaller girl for her age, but the thought that she was all cramped up in there, knees up her chest, day in and day out just…

You thanked them all, told them you would cooperate, and went to Ellie’s room to watch her paint with Frank and Sarah.

Never again, Ellie. Never again.

**********

You and Joel sat on the bench in the park, eyes on Sarah teaching Ellie how to play on a slide. Your dads finally left this morning, promising a weeping Ellie they would be back in two weeks, even going so far as creating a calendar for her to cross every day until she would see her Grandad and Grandpa again. She cried for a good hour after they left, so there you were at the park, trying to distract her from the fact that two of the people she had come to trust and gotten used to in the past few weeks were not gonna be around for a bit.

You were hovering, basically, even though you were yards away on a bench, flinching every time Ellie looked nervous, or God forbid, like she was about to fall. And every time you did, Joel’s hand tightened around your shoulder. He found it endearing, how protective you were of Ellie, not that he would ever tell you that. He had raised Sarah all this while, and he was still imagining terrifying things happening to her. He just got better at hiding his fears.

He remembered what it was like for him when Sarah was born. As excited as he was to hold her, he was terrified he would break her. Jen didn’t want to even look at her after the birth, and the moment Sarah was placed in his arms, she stopped crying. Joel remembered freaking out, thinking he had squished her and cut off her air supply, but the nurses assured him that she stopped crying because she knew she was safe with him.

The first time he changed her diaper, it took him five tries before he was confident the diaper would stay on and was not cutting into her tiny little waist. He didn’t dare bathe her at all that first week, terrified he was going to drop her face first into the tub. Thank God for his Mama and mother in law. They helped him, calmed him down when he was freaking out. So he was determined to help you out too. The fact that helping you out meant he got to spend more time with you was just added bonus.

“Relax, she’s doing great. You’re doing great,” he told you, drawing circles on your arm with his finger.

“I don’t know how you do it, how do you not want to wrap Sarah in bubble wrap all the time?”

“I have them, in the attic. Just in case, I’ll buy more for Ellie, you know, for when you need them,” he jested, a completely serious look on his face.

You laughed, feeling the worry dissipate just a little. He leaned in for a kiss, whispering he would be right back. Ice cream man just got here. You nodded, giving him one more chaste kiss before he got up.

You had been spending every time you could with him, stealing quick kisses here and there, your house not exactly private these days. Ellie being there changed things. He slept in his own bed since Ellie got here. You missed having him wrapped around you in the mornings, but Ellie and her needs and comfort trumped yours now. You needed to make her feel more comfortable and at home, and he was more than understanding, which you appreciated.

Things were going slow between the two of you, but it was going. You found it funny, to be honest. The man had already seen you naked. But now that you were getting to know each other better, you could not deny your feelings for him. He’s a gentle man, a gentleman, protective, calm, funny, he was everything you hoped he would be, now that you’d established he was not a sleazy cheater. And on top of that, after all the stupid drama you had exposed him to, he was still here, patiently waiting for you to be ready to fully commit to him.

And you knew you were ready, but right now, Ellie needed you more.

Your thoughts were interrupted by a stiff looking Sarah, who, seconds ago, was laughing and joking with Ellie. She just stopped, her eyes focused on someone behind the slides you couldn’t see. She said something to Ellie, taking her hand in her own little ones, and began running towards you. You took out their water bottles, making them drink, both of them sweaty from their fun day, sanitizing their hands with wipes in preparation for the ice cream Joel had gone to get.

“Yoo Hoo!” a familiar chirpy voice called out, and Lucy came bounding over. “Hi Sarah!” she cooed as she got neared, reaching out an arm to the little girl to give her a hug. Sarah squirmed away, going behind you instead. “Hi Aria, who’s this?” she asked, looking at Ellie.

“This is Ellie, she’s my niece.”

“Hi Ellie, I’m Lucy. I guess I’ll be your teacher one day huh? She staying with you?”

You nodded.

She went over to Ellie to hug her. Ellie immediately retreated behind you, just as Sarah did.

“Hey, it’s okay, I just wanted to give you a hug,” Lucy coaxed, coming nearer.

“No!” Ellie’s hold on your jacket tightened. She shook her head. Sarah pulled her hand to be closer to her.

“Ellie,” Lucy said, her voice less friendly, “A hug is a good thing. Come on, one hug,” she said, going behind you to get the little girl to hug her.

You pushed Ellie farther behind you. “Lucy,” you said, gently fending her hands away from Ellie, who was now burying her face in your jacket. “She said no. Let’s not force her, huh?”

“Oh, come on. Just a hug.”

“She doesn’t know you, Lucy, I’m not going to force her to hug a stranger.”

“I’m not a stranger,” she protested, her voice losing the sweet tone it usually carried. “I’ve just introduced myself. Sarah, tell your friend you know me.”

Sarah was now fully behind you too, one little arm around Ellie, another holding on to your jacket for dear life.

“Still, she doesn’t know you,” you countered, your other hand going back to hold Sarah as well. What the fuck was wrong with this woman? Wasn’t she a pre-school teacher? Shouldn’t she know you were not supposed to force kids like this?

“What’s going on here?” Joel asked, immediately placing the box with the ice cream cups he had gotten on the bench and pulling both Sarah and Ellie to his side.

“Hey stranger,” Lucy chirped, suddenly cheery again. “Was just saying hi to Aria and the girls here. Ooh, ice cream. Which one’s your favourite flavour Joel?” she eyed the four cups he had bought, all different flavours. He didn’t know what Ellie would prefer, so he got four different ones so she could choose.

“I’ll eat whatever they don’t want,” he said, rubbing the girls arms to relax them. He sat down, lifting the girls up beside him, offering them the choice of ice cream first. Ellie didn’t move, her eyes still on Lucy.

“Well, I’m gonna get one for myself, and then I’ll come join you,” Lucy said, unaffected by Ellie’s discomfort, skipping away to the ice cream man.

You squatted in front of Ellie, telling her the four flavours that Joel had gotten, telling her she could try some of each and decide which one she wants. Instead, she asked Sarah to choose for her. After a very careful thought process which involved a long monologue of the pros and cons of each flavour, Sarah decided she and Ellie will take the chocolate and vanilla, they could share. Chocolate was her favourite, she told Ellie. The two were soon dipping their little spoons into each other’s cups, Sarah teaching Ellie to mix the two and eating them together, both giggling every now and again.

“You can have some of mine too, you know,” Joel whispered to you, “Love sharing food with you.”

You dipped your spoon into his cup, taking some of the strawberry soft serve in it, not missing how his eyes studied the way the spoon went into your mouth, watching as you licked your lips a little after. He did the same to your chocolate mint, winking at you as he did so. Ellie tried some of yours, cringing at the minty taste, telling you it tasted like toothpaste, Sarah agreeing.

Lucy came back, asking Joel if he’d like to try the dark chocolate ones she had gotten. Joel politely shook his head. She turned to Sarah next, asking her if she’d like to try some, seeing as she had a chocolate one too. Sarah shook her head, telling Joel she wanted to go home. You stood up, gathering the water bottles while Joel helped the girls up.

“Well, see you around,” you told Lucy.

You may have imagined it, but you saw a flicker in Lucy’s sweet demeanour for a split second, but by the time you blinked, the flicker was gone.  

**********

The four of you went shopping for Ellie after the park. Winter was approaching and she didn’t have any clothes or shoes that would suit her needs. Now that she was eating three solid meals plus snacks daily, she was going to grow out of her clothes fast. How the heck was that possible though? She came to you a little less than a month ago.

Oh… suddenly you were seeing her going off to college…

She was still very reserved in public spaces, shying away when the salespeople talked to her. She didn’t touch anything, or even ask for anything. When stopping at the grocery store to get some provisions for the week, she stared at the rows of cans of Chef Boyardee Ravioli as if fascinated by them – she had them once, Tommy reheated some for her and Sarah when he was babysitting. But she didn’t ask, simply stared, looking shy when Joel asked if she wanted some, nodding a little.

Well, at least now you know what to buy for quick meals for her.

The four of you decided to stop at a Chinese place for an early dinner on the way back, the kids tired out from their emotional goodbyes with their grandfathers, the park and the mall. Both of them were beginning to nod off, but still had enough energy to beg for a sleepover. Please Daddy, Sarah pleaded, can I sleep over with Ellie? Daddy could stay over too, right Aya? Daddy could sleep in Granddad and Grandpa’s room. Please…

The two of you found yourself staring at two pairs of puppy dog eyes and pouty lips, complete with pleading hand clasps. To your horror, you found yourself unable to say no. Joel laughed out loud upon seeing the expression on your face, knowing perfectly well you were not used to such tactics. “You’ll get used to it,” he said, kissing you on your cheek. “Although, even I don’t know if I can be that tough with two of them ganging up on us, one is hard enough,” he said, getting up to pay.

Something in your heart stirred at his words – two of them ganging up against us. You had to busy yourself wiping the girls faces and hands with wet wipe from the mess they made while eating to not think about what he said too much.

Joel realized what his words had done to you, the flustered state you were in was not exactly subtle. But he couldn’t help himself. He wanted this. He dreamt about this. Him, his lady, his kids, spending time together, having ice cream at the park, dinner at a restaurant, shopping for clothes and groceries together, all of it. He had wanted that since he found out Jen was pregnant. He had given up on ever having this life and being with you and Ellie and Sarah just felt… normal. It felt right. He looked forward to more of this. It was difficult for him not to imagine the four of you were a real family, not that he’d ever say it out loud to you. He didn’t want to scare you away. Plus, there was the fact that Ellie might not even be staying with you permanently, a thought that he would rather push out of his head, crumple into a ball and kick all the way to the moon. He couldn’t even fathom it. The thought broke his heart. He knew it would break your heart. Sarah’s heart.

He knew Bill and Maria were working hard to ensure Ellie would stay with you, and though he was not a religious man, he found himself saying a little prayer every now and again that they would succeed. The thought of never seeing Ellie again, or that she would end up in the system like that just… he couldn’t even…

His thoughts were interrupted by a hand rubbing on his arm, Lucy smiling up at him as he waited at the cashier for the check. He pulled his arm away, suddenly feeling extremely uncomfortable at how touchy this woman was with him.

“Hey, twice in a day, how lucky am I?” she crooned. “I didn’t know you eat here, I love this place. Join me for dinner?” she tried.

“I’m just leaving, actually,” he said, sliding his card over to the cashier.

“Oh, can you stay a while? Keep me company? I hate eating alone. I was just going to get take out, but since you are here…”

“I’m not alone, Lucy,” he said, nodding towards the booth.

Lucy followed his line of sight, seeing you getting the girls out of the booth you were seated at, Ellie looking half asleep on her feet. She smiled sweetly at him, nodding. “Listen,” she said, “I never got your number, I was really hoping we could meet for drinks or something. Jules did try to introduce us, after all. Even your brother was all for it. I think we owe it to them to have one drink, at least?”

She was staring right up at him, her face hopeful.

“Lucy, I’m seeing someone. It wouldn’t be appropriate,” he answered, easily.

“Oh,” she said, her eyes flickering towards you, Sarah and Ellie. “I thought you guys were just neighbours,” she said, “I didn’t realize you were a couple.”

Joel gave her a smile, mumbling a quick goodbye. She watched as he took Ellie from you, lifting her up, while you took Sarah by the hand, all four of you leaving the restaurant together, Joel’s hand on the small of your back.

**********

“They’re down,” Joel said, coming down the stairs, taking a seat next to you on the couch, throwing the throw over the both of you, extending an arm for your to cuddle up to him. “Didn’t even get past page one. I’m pretty sure Sarah snored.”

“She’s definitely your daughter then,” you said, earning a pinch from him.

You had to coax both girls into changing into PJs as Joel opened up the daybed in Ellie’s room to make room for the both of them, both having fallen asleep in Joel’s truck by the time you got home. They awoke just enough to demand a story from Joel as you put in new sheets, but apparently fell asleep as soon as you left the room.

The two of you lounged on the couch, watching whatever was on TV, but not really watching. Your talks turned to the girls, how glad you both were that they found friends in each other, how much Ellie was looking forward to going to school with Sarah when everything was a bit more settled, and she got more confident being in a room with people she didn’t know.

“She’ll be fine in school, once she’s ready,” he told you when you told him your worries of her not being able to catch up with the other kids. She had never even watched TV before, let alone be taught to read. Frank and Kyle had been teaching her, so had you, but you still worried. What if she got bullied? What if the other kids made fun of her? What if…

“Hey, hey, hey,” he said, hand coming up to your cheek, “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, okay? Focus on the now, we do what we can for now, and we hope things will work out. She’ll be okay, kids bounce back faster than we think, especially if they are in a nurturing environment. And look at all the people in her life now, everyone wants to help. We’ll be okay.”

“We?”

He turned his body towards you, seemingly contemplating something, before taking a big breath, bracing himself for the possible fallout of what he was about to say.  “Can I be honest? Promise you won’t chase me out?”

You laughed, nodding.

“I loved today. The four of us, spending time together. Like a family. I love Ellie, Sarah loves Ellie. I know you love Sarah. And I know I am falling in love with you. I have been, ever since Bali. All I want was more of today. More time for me and Sarah with you and Ellie. But I understand that you need more time, and I’m willing to wait. But as I’ve told you, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll wait forever if you need me to, but I want this, all of this, me and Sarah with you and Ellie. So yeah, we, if that’s alright with you.”

You nodded, unable to stop the tears brimming in your eyes. Why lie to yourself? Why delay the inevitable? You were definitely falling for him, if you were not already in love with him. Your eyes unconsciously glancing at his lips. He closed the distance between the two of you and kissed you. Not a peck, not a brush, not a quick, stolen smack on the lips.

He kissed you.

As in, he really kissed you.

You whimpered in his mouth, hands immediately going around his broad back as he laid you back on the couch, slotting himself between your legs, kissing you with everything he had. Fuck, you forgot what a great kisser he was. Memories of Bali came rushing back, and you couldn’t help but rut against him, eager to reminisce. His hands began to roam under your shirt, his own hips rutting against your core, making you lose all senses.

A snickering snapped the two of you out of your dalliance, and the two of you looked towards the stairs, where both Ellie and Sarah were wide awake, giggling at what they saw.

Thank God for the throw.

“Shit,” Joel whispered, “I can’t get up,” he told you, his eyes motioning towards the situation he’d got going between your legs.  

“No, you can’t,” you agreed, the evidence of your activities clearly pressing against you.

So, with much difficulty, you got up and shooed the girls back into Ellie’s room, reading the book they had pretended to fall asleep to earlier until they both conked out. You checked. A lot. Yep, they’re both out.

But by the time you joined Joel in your bed, you were too self-conscious to continue, tempting as it may be. How the fuck did parents have more children? He understood, himself feeling a bit uneasy to continue, now that the girls had seen what they did. The two of you needed to talk to them tomorrow, he told you. You cringed, already dreading what was coming.

You asked him about his dating life after Jen, if Sarah was okay with him dating, and he laughed. He actually laughed at you. “She needed three people to help her go potty just to leave us alone, remember? You don’t have to worry about her approval, I don’t think. But we’ll talk to her tomorrow,” he said, kissing you. “And what dating life?” he asked, “I was married up until about a week before I left for Bali, and I don’t stray, even if the wife may have done so,” his laugh faltering, looking hurt. “She may be free, but I wasn’t. I feel stupid now, but I was still loyal to her. I was hoping she would come back, after she’d gotten everything out of her system… for Sarah. But…” he fell quiet, looking so forlorn you kissed him just to make him feel better. He quietly thanked you after.

“Tess said Tommy tried to fix you up?”

“Yeah, with Lucy, actually. I met her when Tommy and I ran into her at the grocery store, and Tommy later told me she was interested in going out for drinks with me. She was friends with his then girlfriend, so they were really encouraging me to go on a double date with them. But… I was still married, so I didn’t even consider it. The next time I saw her, it was too late.”

“What do you mean?”

“I already met this lady in Bali. Crushed hard on her. She ghosted me, but then she moved in next door.”

You giggled, kissing him one more time.

“She did offer to buy me a drink, but I don’t know, something about her… she’s too…”

“Chirpy?”

“Yeah. It’s odd isn’t it? I don’t know. Even Tommy was reluctant, that day she asked to buy me a drink. And he was very enthusiastic about us meeting the last time. And Sarah… I might be imagining things, but Sarah didn’t seem too happy to see her. She usually gets very excited when we run into the teachers from school outside, but with Lucy… I don’t know.”

You contemplated telling him about the incident at Sarah’s school and the park, but you thought better of it. It just didn’t feel right.

“She asked me out again today, at the restaurant, you know,” he continued, “But I told her I’m seeing someone. Hopefully she gets it, I don’t want to be rude.”

“Wait, you’re seeing someone?”

“Yeah, this hot neighbour of mine. I can see into her window from my room you know. I was kinda hoping she’d give me a peep show all these weeks I had to sleep alone in my bed, but so far she has never left her curtains open for me to peep,” he said, pouting.

You smacked him in the arm, and he rolled you over, laughing, kissing you again. You made out like teenagers that night, almost giving in once you realized your door had a lock, before remembering that you were not on birth control, and he didn’t have any condoms.

Instead of just going to sleep, he crawled between your legs and made you cry with his tongue and fingers, and you reciprocated in kind, leaving him a whimpering mess with your mouth. Both of you fell asleep in each other’s arms, the biggest smiles on your faces. Joel was planning on sneaking downstairs before the girls woke up, but he opened the bedroom door to both girls grinning in front of your room, telling him they were hungry.

Well, at least there was no need for you to have that talk now.

**********

The four of you, Maria, Tommy, Tess and Anita were having lunch together when the doorbell rang. The detective was back. Anita and Tess whisked the girls away to their house, leaving you and the rest to talk.

That morning, at approximately 7.30, Nell walked into the Austin PD and turned herself in. You wanted to ask so many questions, but the detectives stopped you.

There was more.

She walked in with a bag, containing a severed human heart. She told the officers that she had killed her mother and disposed her body.

She refused to say anything more until she had spoken to you.

Only you.

---

Part 12

[plussizedreader]

Hello all! I was inspired by the amazing @391780 and her fat reader stories to start this blog (so give her a follow!) anyways introduction post!

My name is Bo/Maul, and this blog will be dedicated to ONLY fat readers with canon characters with multiple fandoms. There will be smut, so this blog will be 18+, so any younger I will block! I will primarily write a fem reader, but will try my hardest to try male or gn readers!

Here are the fandoms and characters I’ll write for! I try to get all my smaller interest in here for those who also like it and get zero content for it!

Horror-

House of Wax (Bo, Vincent, and Lester)

Firefly trilogy (Baby, Otis, Foxy, I will write Spaulding, but fluff and anything but smut since he reminds me a lot of my grandpa lol)

31 (Doomhead)

Micheal Myers from any version of the series

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (any version of Leatherface Thomas, Bubba etc, Choptop)

Near Dark (Severen, Jesse, Diamondback)

Saw (Peter Strahm, Mark Hoffman, Amanda Young, Adam Stanheight)

Video Games-

Red Dead Redemption (Arthur Morgan, John Marston, Dutch Van Der Linde, Charles Smith, Javier Escuella, Sadie Adler, Karen Jones, Abigail Roberts-Marston, Mary-Beth Gaskill, Tilly Jackson, Susan Grimshaw)

Call of Duty Modern Warfare Remake Games (John Price, Simon Riley, Soap, Gaz, Alex Keller, Farrah (I’ll write romance but no smut for Farrah!), Kate Lazwell, Phillip Graves, Vladimir Makarov.)

Last of Us (Joel Miller, Ellie Williams (I will ONLY write adult Ellie and only ever with a Fem reader) Abby Anderson, Tommy Miller)

Days Gone (Deacon St John, Boozer)

Mortal Kombat (Johnny Cage, Kenchi,Sub Zero, Scorpion, Shang Tsung, Shao Khan, Mileena, Kitana, Sindel, Kabal, Kano, Erron Black. NOTE please specify which timeline these characters are from or which movie so I know the correct characterization!)

Resident Evil series (Lady Dimitrescu, Heisenberg, Carlos Olivera, Chris Redfield.)

Movies/TV-

Star Wars (Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul)

Stranger Things (Hopper, Eddie Munson)

Blacklist (Raymond Reddington)

With that being said, while I will write smut, there are things I will not write, such as fat fetish and weight gain fetish bullshit, and I will continue to expand this list, also I can just simply say no I’m not gonna write it if I don’t like it lol.

This list is bound to change with my interest and I’ll add and take off things as needed! Please send in any request and I’ll start working on it shortly!

[ace-turned-confused]

Hi lovely! For the eoy asks I would love to know about 2,5, and 13 🩷🩷

HOWDY !!!!

2 - a piece you're proud of and why i actually gave two answers for! here and here :) but i make my own rules so i'll expand on what i mentioned before :)

my dreadfully overdue time travel fic with sheriff!joel is one thing i'm most proud of, bc i've tried to do a lot more world and character building in it. i've really challenged myself to actually give the scenery and buildings and side characters some substance to them, and use more descriptive writing, rather than simply "you walk into this building and there is a person".

5 - a scene you enjoyed creating

the beach scene from seashells & sandcastles :) maybe bc i actually can't stand the beach irl? and it was nice to picture myself as a girlie who can walk through sand? LOL

and i guess the other things that happen on that beach are nice too, wink wink nudge nudge ;)

13 - a fic or artwork by another creator that made you happy

MY BEAUTIFUL GIFT FROM @beefrobeefcal !!!!!! GRANDPA JOEL AND THE 1994 FORD AEROSTAR MINIVAN !!!!!! i love this, AND KIKI, with all my heart

artist & writer asks

[misspearly1]

When Two Worlds Collide Series

Chp1 || Chp2 || Chp3 || Chp4 || Chp5 || Chp6 || Chp7 || Chp8

Pairing: Joel Miller x F!Reader x Arthur Morgan 

Chapter Three: The Lady They Both Want

WC: 4.8k

Warnings: 18+ Content. Minors DNI. Joel’s POV & Readers POV. This is more of a filler chapter. Mentions of female masturbation. The guys are getting along now and they’re both very interested in their female companion. Friends to Lovers. Eventual Smut. Love Triangle. Alternative TLOU & RDR2 Universe. Mentions of guns. Light amount of jealousy. Bounty Hunting. (And the usual outlaw stuff).

AN: Ahhh! I really enjoyed writing about Joel and Arthur getting along here. They’re finding common ground now at last. The next chapter will be the kinktober fic, so lookout for the reblog tomorrow! Hope you enjoy the read, thank you.

People sometimes forget the value of the little things in their life. It happens, and it’s ok to forget from time to time, but Joel really forgot about those little things, and it really never occurred to him before just how easy everything was back home. It never occurred to him just how hard it would actually be to adapt in a world where someone like Arthur Morgan thrives. 

It’s a different way of life here, and it was most shocking to the man to realize all of those little things that he so dearly misses were a luxury. For example, there are no cars here in this otherworldly dimension. They have been invented, but they’re so incredibly rare that Joel is yet to see one driving around, and he doesn’t particularly favour traveling everywhere he needs to go via horseback.

At least it’s better than walking though, he thought while sitting atop his horse. 

It took a hot minute for Joel to get used to the saddle again after it had been a shameful amount of time since he went riding. It was a struggle in the beginning, but he eventually got the hang of it again and now he rides like it was as easy as breathing.

When he was just a young boy, he used to visit his grandpa's ranch and his parents taught him how to ride a couple years after he learned how to walk, so he felt lucky and thankful for even remembering how to ride a horse, otherwise he would’ve had a much harder time getting around with Arthur as they work day in and day out thieving from undeseving rick folk. 

That’s another thing Joel didn’t think would be so hard: trying to earn a living. It’s a hell of a lot more difficult gathering money here, and it makes him realize that much more about how easy his life was back home. Of course, he had his fair share of difficulties much like everyone else does and there were a few bumps in the road that he didn’t think he’d be able to overcome, but generally speaking, his life was pretty good compared to most. 

The man thinks about all of the good things he once had, and took advantage of, whilst waiting for Arthur around the outside of his campsite. He watched from afar as the members of the Van Der Linde Gang went about their usual daily business and made the most of everything they did have. Albeit, it wasn’t much and they weren’t living an easy going or unproblematic life, but they had each other and their loyalty was unlike he’s ever seen before.

Arthur’s gang didn’t need a roof over their head. They lived freely and comfortably off the land. They were one big happy family without that blood related bond and Joel can understand that. He, too, has friends that are like brothers to him. They would take him in without hesitation and put clothes on his back and food in his stomach should he ever fall on hard times and need the help. 

Having said that though, he feels a strong pang of sadness in his gut just thinking about his friends and how they’ll probably be searching the whole of Austin, Texas after his sudden disappearance. He can’t even bring himself to think about his little brother as the pain is too much to handle. Tommy will be worried sick and heart-broken, probably beating himself up over the possibility of never seeing his big brother again. And his parents would be even worse.

This is, undoubtedly, what Joel struggles with the most: trying not to miss his family so much that it makes him depressed. He couldn’t afford to spend too much time thinking about all of those scary what ifs. He had to remain calm and cool-headed. Not only for himself, but for you too. 

It’s been almost two weeks now in this otherworldly dimension, and yet there’s still no answers on finding a way back home. Arthur did send a letter off to that man who talks like he’s from the future, but it’s just a matter of waiting until he hears back from him.

While Joel has been putting on a ‘brave face’ and trying to stay positive and hopeful for your sake, he has found some form of comfort and release by working alongside the cowboy. You were right about taking a chance on trusting him. He’s been nothing but generous and helpful ever since that day by the pond, even though Joel is almost certain that Arthur is only helping out because he’s attracted to you. But that doesn’t really matter though. It shouldn’t matter. 

What’s most important is making sure you’re safe until he finds a way to get home. Then, and only then, will he ease up a little on being so overprotective over you. He can’t help but feel that responsibility to take care of you and provide everything you want or need. It’s his fault you’re even here to begin with and it’s become his duty to fix everything and make it right again. The man knows how hard this has been on you. He sees you lose a little hope every day that you're stuck here, and although he knows you don’t hate him, or blame him for all of this happening either, he feels responsible. 

Despite the fact Joel didn’t really like how much Arthur was attracted to you at first, because there is a fear he’ll take you away from him, he can’t deny that the cowboys presence has helped lift your spirits. You’ve slowly but gradually become less frustrated and anxious about this whole situation. It’s become a little easier for you to cope. You’re still worried, of course you are, but you’ve not been so emotionally overwhelmed and swallowed up by the fear of never finding a way home.

To put it simply, you’re becoming the very thing that Joel was trying to be for you, which is cool, calm and collected while providing help wherever and however you can. You can’t deal with the emotional guilt around robbing folk, and he understands why, so he and Arthur take care of that sort of stuff instead. Besides, he prefers it that way anyways. It’s much easier for him to know you’re safe and secure back at camp instead of being out here doing the sort of things he and Arthur do.

So that’s what you have been doing this last week; keeping busy and making yourself useful with setting up the temporary campsite every day. The location near the pond is long forgotten about now. It was moved to a much safer and more discreet location yesterday morning and it will probably stay there for a few days before moving again.

The campsite is set up along the shoreline of Flat Iron Lake, just beneath a couple trees hanging over the embankment to provide some cover and it’s also just a short ride away from the Van Der Linde’s hideout in Horseshoe Overlook. Arthur chose that spot to stay close in case of emergencies. His gang doesn’t know about Joel and you, but Hosea Matthews does.

Joel has met with Mr. Matthews twice now, and you’ve had the pleasure of his company more than that. He’s a kind old man, wise spoken and open minded to the bizarre occurrence of falling into a different dimension. Hosea has even pitched in to help out too. He’s been finding jobs to ear some cash and set up a connection with someone in Rhodes who regularly hands out tips for stagecoaches to hold up. That’s what Arthur is busy with right now as a matter of fact. He’s chatting with Hosea in camp and gathering a couple more jobs to be completed for the day before meeting up with Joel. 

Putting his binoculars away when noticing Arthur leaving Horseshoe Overlook, Joel sat on the saddle of his horse and waited patiently for the man's return. They’ve amassed a comfortable amount of money in the last week, but there needs to be a constant flow of cash coming in to supply everything the camp needs. You have plenty of clothes and a copious amount of food now, but there’s only two tents, one bedroll and one blanket. And you don’t have a horse yet either. 

Joel, as well as Arthur, want you to be prepared and ready for every possible scenario, therefore you need guns and ammunition kept in camp, and you need to learn how to use them too. That’s the next order of business; getting you a horse then teaching you how to use a gun, but first, he needs more money to do that.

And since Arthur approached with a hopeful look on his face, Joel assumed there was a handsome amount of money to be earned today, which means they’re going to be busy. “You look very happy.” He pointed out that shit eating grin on Arthur’s face, then jerked his chin outwards in question. “What do we have on the list today?” 

“Take a look for ya self.” He replied. Handing the list over then reaching into his satchel for a pack of cigarettes, Joel scanned the piece of paper and nodded approvingly. He was right to assume there’s a lot of work to do. The list was bigger than the last and it looks like they have a long day ahead of them.

First up was heading into town and collecting all of the bounties from the sheriff, which was four suspects in total and they were worth two thousand dollars all together. Next on the list were two stagecoaches with the time and location of their travels. One of them will be passing through Strawberry this afternoon, and the other will be passing through a place called Tall Trees in the middle of the night. Then, the last couple jobs on the list were buried treasures and where to find them. 

“Hm. This is nice.” Joel nods again and folds the piece of paper before handing it back over to Arthur – who then held out a half smoked cigarette for him to take. Joel accepted the offer and brought the butt of the object to his lips, sucking on the thing a couple times to take the edge off his nerves. He doesn’t smoke regularly. It’s never really been his thing, but he’d indulge with the occasional cigarette here or there whenever he’d be stressed with life and work back home. And since he’s been feeling extra stressed-out these last couple of weeks, he’s smoked more than he usually ever does.

“Thanks.” He muttered. “And make sure to pass my thanks onto Hosea too. I appreciate all the help.” 

“Ah, there’s no need.” Arthur shook his head, waving him off like it wasn’t a big deal. “Hosea already knows you and Y/N are thankful. Old man’s just happy to help.” He took the cigarette back from Joel and puffed on the thing a couple times before flicking it into the grass. “We ready, big boy? I wanna get a chunk of this done before this afternoon. Maybe check on Y/N before heading over to West Elizabeth if there’s time.” 

“Ready.” Joel grunted and rolled his eyes over the pet name. Readjusting his position on the saddle to better suit his comfort, he commanded his horse and started heading east. “Let’s go, sunshine.” He called out casually and stifled a smile upon hearing the man chuckling behind him. 

Joel didn’t want to admit that he enjoyed the cowboys company just as much as you have. He’s a little rough around the edges and they got off to a bad start with each other, but he’s got a sarcastic sense of humour that Joel likes no matter how much he tries to deny it on the inside. They argue and bicker quite a lot, but they also work well together and get the job done without issue. 

The only real underlying issue between them is that you’re the lady they both want.

Much later that day along the Dakota River, Arthur stood by his horse and watched the show unfold as Joel tackled a female suspect to the ground. He tied her hands and feet together behind her back as she tried with all her might to resist, and the man found it rather amusing. She’s a real nasty piece of work who deserved it anyway after kicking him right between the legs earlier. 

“Make sure those ropes are tight.” He instructed acidly, still bitter over the fact his balls were aching. “I don’t fancy another run around trying to catch her.” 

“You couldn’t fucking catch me, ya slow sack of shit.” The suspect – Darla – replied, making Joel chuckle with the use of her insult toward Arthur. He found it funny that she, too, called him a sack of shit just like he does. But he did as the cowboy instructed and made sure the binds around her ankles and wrists were tightly secured. He didn’t fancy another run around either.

Darla is the last of the bounties and she’s been the worst one out of them all. Arthur was kicked between the legs, and Joel’s face was clawed by her hands. “Why don’t you let me go? I’ll show you a better use for those ropes.” She tried to bargain for freedom, but to no avail. 

“Christ almighty. Will yer just be quiet.” Joel sighed heavily, tiredly, then yanked her up off the floor before carrying her over his shoulder. He walked towards his horse and stowed the woman on the back, securing her tightly with some more rope to make sure she couldn’t escape. They’ve learned their lesson once by underestimating her, and they shan’t make the same mistake again. After she was dealt with however, he turned to face Arthur and asked: “Enjoying the show, asswipe? Could’ve helped me out back there.” 

“C’mon now.” Arthur winced while readjusting himself then mounted his saddle with a painful groan. “I assume ya got a pair of balls, right? You know how much that shit hurts.” He gave an unwanted explanation as to why he didn’t help chase after Darla. He was too busy laying on the ground, heaving with pain while Joel hunted her down instead. “Besides, she’s the last one and we got some time to waste before heading over to West Elizabeth, so keep ya hair on and cut me some slack, big boy.” 

“Big boy!” Darla squawked and burst into a fit of laughter, the sound annoying Arthur so much that reached over and yanked on her binds. “Shut the hell up, woman.” He warned, only it didn’t work. She didn’t stay quiet and proceeded to insult the men all the way back to Valentine. They were quickly pissed off by her remarks about their friendship and the use of their pet names for each other, but once they made it to the sheriff's office and handed her over, they savoured every minute of silence on their ride towards camp on the shores of Flat Iron Lake. It was just after midday now and they were not only hungry for food, but hungry for your attention too. 

Approaching camp with a smile on their faces, both Joel and Arthur felt proud of you leaping into action as you assumed they were trouble. You went for the gun and savings box, but relaxed quickly after realizing there was no threat. “Hey.” You waved, but furrowed your brows with concern when seeing Joel’s face. “Oh my…” You sighed then moved towards him and reached out to cup his face with your hands. “What the hell happened?” 

“Just a scratch, darlin’.” He shook his head, assuring you that it was nothing to worry about, but you didn’t take your hands away from his face and he began to lean into your touch as you dragged the pad of your fingers over his cheek. It felt so comforting. Your hands were soft and delicate, but beside you though, Arthur cleared his throat and tore your attention from him. 

You pulled your hands away and spoke to the man, asking him if he was okay and Joel bit his tongue as Arthur explained what happened and didn’t leave out the details about how he was kicked in the balls either. “Oh, you poor thing.” You sympathized. “C’mon. You should rest a while and eat before getting back to work.”

To Joel’s surprise and delight, you turned back to face him and held his hand, pulling him toward the campfire to sit down on the sandy shores around the lake. You grabbed a little first aid kit and opened it up, instructing Arthur to take a seat and relax. “Let me fix lunch for you both, but first I gotta take care of this-” you gesture to the scratch on Joel’s face. “-Don’t want you to catch an infection.” 

Leaning back onto the palms of his hands while you attended to his minor wounds, Joel saw the expression on Arthur’s face in the corner of his eyes and struggled to hide his smile. It spoke of envy and desire, as if he were wishing he had a couple wounds you could attend to.

While you cleaned his face and your fingers dabbed his skin gingerly with a featherlight touch, Joel couldn’t help feel so free and easy, his shoulders slumping with a heavy exhale as he closed his eyes to revel in your attention. He’s been so starved of your company ever since Arthur came along, and as selfish as it sounds, he has missed having you all to himself. 

“You look exhausted, Joel.” You point out and rest a hand on his chest, his eyes opening to look at you. “Why don’t you eat something then rest for a while. D’you think you’ll have time to?” You asked, to which Arthur replied instead. “Plenty of time, Miss Y/L/N. We don’t have to leave for another hour or so. But we’ll be back really late tonight.” 

You turn to face Arthur and don’t see the way Joel glared at him. “Well that settles it. Both of you eat up then lay down-” he smiled with that, feeling a sliver of victory that Arthur wouldn’t have you all to himself either. “-I’ll keep a look out while each of you rest in the tents. Arthur, you’ll have to get your bedroll off your horse. We don’t have another one unfortunately.” 

“Naw, it’s alright.” He shook his head and lay down on his back, resting his hands behind his head before closing his eyes. “I can sleep anywhere. It’s no problem.” You turn back to face Joel now and smile, watching the irises of his eyes expand the longer he looks at you. He smiled as well, and you didn’t miss the way his eyes dropped to your lips either. It was quick, but you caught it and started to burn up under his wanton gaze. “You uhh… You hungry?” You asked bashfully, and he only nodded in reply, his eyes slowly blinking with tiredness… or with something else. 

Moving towards the fire and scooping out some of the stew into a bowl, you also asked Arthur if he would like any, but he politely declined and closed his eyes again, opting to get a little more sleep instead. You moved back to sit beside Joel and handed the bowl over. “It’s hot. Be careful.” You said in a whisper, keeping your voice low so you don’t disturb Arthur or the peaceful silence that had fallen over camp.

Joel had the opportunity right here, right now, to have you all to himself, but you were right. He is exhausted and he does need some sleep for the long day that awaits him. The list isn’t even halfway done and he wants to have a day off tomorrow to spend some quality time with you. 

After eating every last bite that you scooped into the bowl for him, you took the dish and put it to one side before grabbing a pillow. “Rest up, Joel.” You urge him to lay back and place the pillow beneath his head. “I’m not going anywhere and I’ll keep watch.” You reassured as he closed his eyes, relishing in the warmth of his hand resting on the small of your back. 

He didn’t take his hand away, not even after he had fallen asleep and light snores left his lips. It’s like he just wanted to feel that you were beside him; to know that you won’t leave. That’s why you assured you wouldn’t be going anywhere. You’ve spent multiple nights in the tent with Joel before getting a second one for yourself, and during that time you slept together, he would always be so close and feel that you were safely resting beside him. He must be a physically touch kind of guy, and you don’t mind that at all in the slightest.  

Although you felt a little weird to stare for so long, you felt confident that he wouldn’t mind you watching over him attentively. You’ve missed gazing at him while he sleeps. It’s been nothing but a pleasure to have Arthur around, and you really like the man, but you’ve not given Joel the attention you once used to give. He needs it; needs your comfort like he would comfort you during your meltdown. It’s obvious that he’s missing his family, his pets and his friends back home, and you worry for his mental wellbeing because he’s quite clearly trying his darn hardest to keep you safe and happy. 

Later when the time came around to wake the men, you decided to wake Arthur first and offered him some food. He accepted this time and thanked you for the bowl of stew. He, just like Joel, ate every last bite and you took the dish away to be washed. Once you were finished cleaning up however, he approached with an offer that piqued your interest. “Would ya like to learn how to shoot a gun tomorrow? Me an’ Joel will teach you.” 

“Oh yes. That would be really useful.” You nod eagerly, not because you want to learn how to shoot someone, but because you want to learn how to properly use the firearm should you ever need to defend yourself. You can wave the gun around and pretend to be serious about using it on an attacker, but if push comes to shove, you’d miss every shot and very quickly become defenceless.

Arthur is an outlaw. He sure knows his way around a gun, and Joel would regularly visit the firing range with his brother on the weekends. He knows his way around a gun too. But you, on the other hand, do not know how to use a firearm or how to aim with precision. 

“Here.” Arthur moved towards you and pulled out one of the guns from the holsters on his belt. “I’ll give ya one quick lesson right now. First thing you’re gonna do is take a firm stance and plant yer feet in the ground. Like this–” he  showed you first before moving to stand behind you, correcting your position by pushing your feet apart with his boot. “That’s much better. Keep ya feet parallel to your shoulders,” he instructed with professionalism, then stood closer and brought his arms around you to place the gun in your hands. 

You felt your heart skip a beat when he stepped closer, the proximity between you and the man was so small that you could feel his chest mere inches away from your back. It was a breath-taking move that sent a signal straight to your heat naturally with the presence of a big strong burly man so close to you like this. You could feel his breath rolling down your neck as he sighed heavily. “There you go, just like that.” He kept his hands hovering beneath your elbows, re-adjusting your arm ever so slightly to better your aim, only you couldn’t concentrate after hearing him praise you in that thick southern drawl. 

Perhaps the real reason you trusted Arthur so easily is because he’s just like Joel in so many ways. Not only do they work similarly with drive and focus, or share the same sarcastic humorous nature, but their voices are deep and rough, yet equally soft like honey and it always reels in your attention in the very best way.

You gripped the gun with both hands and held your breath with anticipation as Arthur leaned in a little closer to place his hands atop of yours, helping you keep the gun nice and straight. “I think you’ll do just fine tomorrow.” He said earnestly. “I bet you’ll surprise yourself. You got the stance nailed down, sweetheart.” 

“Thanks, Arthur.” You replied gratefully. “I appreciate your vote of confidence, but I don’t know. I’ve never fired a gun before and I think the kickback will probably surprise me the most.” 

“A smaller gun would be better.” Said Joel, the sound of his voice startling as you quickly tilt your head to look at him. He stood with his arms above his head and stretched out his muscles, but his shirt riding up his body a little made your eyes drop to look at the revealed skin. You rolled your lips together and stifled a moan at the trail of hair beneath his belly button. It disappeared into his pants, which were hanging so low on his hips right now that you could see his v-lines and a glimpse of the curled hair above his mound. 

Quickly turning away with fear that he would catch you staring and call it out, you don’t really think Joel would mind all that much, but to save yourself the embarrassment of practically stealing a glance and drooling over what you could see, you turned away before he noticed.

Now that you were feeling aroused and hot with passion, you couldn’t even get back to what you were originally doing and lowered the weapon. “A smaller gun would be better.” You agreed with Joel and handed the weapon back over to Arthur. “We’ll pick this up again tomorrow.” 

There was a smile on Arthur's face that spoke of mischief and perversity as he drawled in a flirtatious way. “Sure thing, sweetheart.” He winked at you, the gesture making you choke on the moan in the back of your throat before you quickly turned away and busied yourself with something. You needed a distraction, and a moment in privacy to relieve the palpable ache between your legs. Joel and Arthur were both turning you on, and it was driving you feral. It's been a while since you pleasured yourself and the need for relief is growing exponentially.  

Once the men had got themselves prepared and ready for the workload ahead, they each said their goodbyes in their own sexy and adorable ways before leaving camp with a promise to be back after midnight. As soon as they were out of sight, you ran straight to your tent and buried your hands between your legs, mewling softly into your pillow with the wishful dreams of feeling their hands working you open instead. 

However, as soon as Arthur had a moment alone with Joel, he turned to face the man with that same mischievous and perverted smile on his lips then revealed a little secret. “That woman is head over heels for you friend, and you don’t even see it.” 

“No she’s not.” Joel retorted quickly, denying what he yearned for so badly every night. “Y/N and I are just friends. She doesn’t like me like that and besides, it’s you who she’s head over heels for and you’re the one who doesn’t see it.” He said with a slither of spite in his tone. 

“You think so?” Arthur questioned optimistically, to which Joel looked into his eyes and nodded with deject. He truly believed that you were head over heels for the cowboy, and not him, but Arthur persisted. “Well, maybe we both can’t see it, then. Maybe it’s because we don’t believe a lady like Y/N could even feel such a way about us, but I’m telling ya. She likes you. Didn’t you see the way she was looking at ya back there?” 

“And I’m telling you the same thing.” Joel persisted as well. “She likes you. Didn’t you see the look on her face when you winked and called her sweetheart?” 

With sudden realization striking the men simultaneously, they each slowed their horses down to a complete stop and turned to look at each other with disbelief etched on their faces. “Y/N likes the both of us?” They asked in unison, hopeful that it was true. They both wanted you. That’s a fact. But the thought of sharing you and that beautiful attention you give them didn’t cross their minds. 

Until now.

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[addiedrawsstuffsometimes]

I Present: The Van Der Linde Gang but they are sweet, old grandparents🥰 Part 1

Grandpa Arthur is such a good boah, he also looks just like Joel from The Last of Us

I also made younger versions of the whole gang, if y’all want those instead, just check the profile.

[theyreonlynoodlesmike]

Had My Bestfriend Watch the Lost Boys and...

She thinks Dwayne is the hottest

She thinks David looks like one of our friends just "with a bad haircut"

She thinks Marko is the ugliest, with Paul as her second place for hottest

She thinks it'd be hard to grab someone in the air

She laughed when she saw the names were in alphabetical order during the opening credits (idk why) (her explanation: in my mind i thought they def did that because someone complained about their name not showing up first. LIKE MEH THATS NOT FAIR!!!!!!)

"That baby is ugly" i.e. the random baby in a stroller

"Do they not burn in the sun?" "No, they do" "Then why do they live in California"

Nanooks her favorite

"This is so 80s"

"Pretty girl big hair" -her, about Star (she's a little gay)

"Who stares at someone like that. Like no thoughts head empty. Mouth open like a fish, mouth breathing ass."

"The brunettes really hot" (Dwayne) "He looks like a member of Greta Van Fleet." (Again, Dwayne) "Ew the ugly one at the end" (Unfortunately, Marko)

"Why is everyone just staring at everyone?" "Longingly stares at eachother" *stares at me until I laugh*

*Mimics Sam* "Phoenix, actually"

"Could save your life? Shut up"

"She looks like she's cosplaying as Esmeralda" -her, about Star

"Why aren't the police more alarmed by the fact that there are cars with roofs ripped off?"

She hates Edgar. She hates how they talk (the Frogs), and thinks they sound stupid

"With the kid too? Makes him even hotter" -her, about Dwayne

When Michael hesitated at the stairs, "Don't be a pussy, Michael" 

"He has no right to be that big of an asshole when he looks like that. Ugly and mean? Pick a struggle" -her, about David

"Just find a different girl" "why is he doing this????" She really thinks Michael could've just left their asses

*Mimicks Sam* "They just all talk like idiots"

Thinks Sam is definitely gay

"That jawline, those lips, and the curly hair? Who gave him the right?" -her, about Michael

"Sam is a shit brother." She dislikes Sam and the Frogs. Apparently they don't get rights. Thinks Sam is a bad son and a bad brother. (Later note: thinks he's slightly better at the end)

"Why is she just kissing him??" 

"I know you almost just killed your brother but you're looking kinda hot tonight" -her, making fun of Star

"Are they just fucking in front of Laddie?" (She do be spitting facts about this though)

About Sam asking Michael if he took care of everything, "That twink needs to mind his own business"

Immediately guessed that Max was a vampire

She thinks Edgar looks like a toad. She also said, "You know what I'm gonna name my kid? Edgar. That’s the name of a guy that gets pussy."

Me and her at the same time, "He's *tall*" About Max leaning down to kiss Lucy (this is an inside joke but I still wanted to put it)

She likes the soundtrack a lot, and we were jamming quite a bit

Hates where the fangs are placed. "Is he eating his brain?" When someone scalped a dude in the feeding scene

She thinks the other vamps should've had more lines. "Why does the ugly one have so much to say?" She specifically wants Dwayne to talk more (but low-key I *agree*)

"Dwayne seems like a bottom" (I do not agree with her on that and we paused it to literally argue about this)

She thinks Marko is gay. When I told her they're all probably gay, she said, "Oh, they definitely pull eachothers horns."

Went on a whole rant about how it's very closeted gay of Sam to put so much trust into the Frogs. She was like, "He listens to them for so much and for what. He just thinks they're cute and wants them to like him."

We also paused half-way through to talk about how there should've been more female characters and how Star should've been given a foil. We think it would've been improved if Dwayne/Marko both had girlfriend's cause then they could've gotten more lines

After Markos death, "Yay" and "They've got twink blood all over them"

When Sam went to get Nanook "He's so fucking dumb! Why are they all outside now!!!"

Anytime Dwayne comes on screen, "He's so hot!"

At Paul's hand on the tub, "Nice acrylics". She later said she thought his death was the coolest

She made a sad face when Dwayne died and didn't say anything

She called bullshit on David's death cause it's not a stake and considering Joel originally wanted David to come back she's not Wrong™

Overall, she thinks David is mean but a really good villain. 

She thinks Dwayne is really hot, and she likes his hair. She thinks the way he died was cool, but she wishes he didn't. "I love him, he didn't even need to saying anything. I could just tell-" "Tell what?" "That he's good."

She said she's glad that "Rat Bastard™ died first." She thinks that "men with hair that curly shouldn't have mullets"

Paul wasn't that impactful, but she thought he was cute. When I said Brooke was originally considered for David, she said she would've liked that version of the character more

About Sam: "He screams every line. He's a bad brother and a bad son. He just wants to suck off the Frogs and that's it."

The Frogs: "Edgar is fucking annoying and I don't care about Alan." She was very mad to hear that they're in the sequels/they're about them

About Lucy: "Lucy talks like a baby, but she's a good mom. She needs to be more strict and tell Sam to shut the fuck up more. Max was able to manipulate her and lie to her because she's, honestly, need to be more aware-" She blames sexism as to why Lucy was "clueless, but a good mom" and she "would've loved to see Lucy stake a vamp." Specifically Max and honestly would've loved to see it

About Michael: "He's dumb and a himbo. Too focused on his horniness. Too focused on Star. She's really pretty, but other girls exist. Weird he was so invested, and their relationship should've been built up more"

About Star: "She's pretty, but meek, aloof, and only cares about a child. Very sexist portrayal of both of the women in this movie. Would've liked to see her stand up more, and would've liked if their (Lucy and Star) only goal wasn't taking care of a child. Would've liked it if she was built up more. I think Star deserved better"

About Grandpa: "Funny, cool, cooky. Solid wise old man. But why didn't you tell them about the VAMPIRES??? I wish he was more involved in the plot"

7/10 she thinks it's okay, but she thinks the boys should've been given more lines and there should've been more female characters/pass the Bechdel test

[mhaccunoval]

i finallyyyy finished the explanations for my tlb playlistttt so come get yall juice

if you haven’t already seen my first (official) post about this silly little playlist then you are still in luck !!! here is the spotify and the youtube links !!! oh yeah also all of the songs are in chronological order (maybe not by month but definitely by year) because i had to be organized like that sbjhshsjbs

———

❥ title

i mean. there isn’t much to explain about it but sbjshbsjhs it’s based on sam’s line “you’re a creature of the night, michael!” of course but i made it plural because this playlist is sort of a. general boys / movie playlist, if that makes sense??? but yeahhhh they’re all littol creechers who love the night >:o]

———

❥ paint it, black — the rolling stones

so !!! i was kind of trying to relate it to the boys vampirism and. love of black clothes sbhsjbshjs but no. similar to the title, they. literally live in darkness because of not being able to go into the sun and because of the few lights in the lair but there’s also a sort of duality where being vampires in an internal darkness??? like. each of the boys takes heavy advantage of the benefits of being undead but i can’t imagine it’s without its faults outside of the lack of sunlight and such. i’m sure there’s a kind of uh. monster complex that follows it, especially with the way outsiders view them, which certainly fits with the song’s vibe of being washed with this sort of sensory overload to color and earning weird looks for it

———

❥ riders on the storm — the doors

first of all, there’s a giant ass jim morrison poster in the lair therefore the boys definitely listen to the doors (if not idolize jim) so jot that down. but also !!! it has very Them vibes !!! i think the storm effects definitely relate to boys in how storms create a darkness that is soothing in its own way, and comes on strong, just like the boys’ presence. and. technically they Are killers on the road that Will kill a sweet family sbhjsbshjsb but no most of all the !!! “into this house we’re born // into this world we’re thrown” and !!! the found family that the boys have going. like, if you look at. vampirism as the house they have LITERALLY been born into it and been thrown into a whole new world, depending on each other for comfort and pleasure !!! oh also. they ride motorcycles so they’re also literal riders sbhjsbshjs (fun fact, according to genius lyrics: apparently it was the last song jim recorded before he died a few weeks later 😳)

———

❥ love her madly — the doors

whole jim morrison poster and listening to the doors reasoning is sustained. HOWEVER for the rest of reasoning… perhaps it’s more straight up 95060 than anything but sbhsjbsshj the whole woman walking in and out of the audience’s life is very symbolic of michael being in and out with the boys, never really deciding whether he wants to fully join them and straining. all of his relationships with that indecision and sitting on the picket fence (those who sit on the picket fence are impaled by it). although, it could also be partly symbolic of that indecision, as he does find Some charm in the boys’ lifestyle and keeps finding himself drawn back enough to even consider partaking in it. also, if you wanna go the parko route, paul loves marko madly enough to go after the frog bros personally for killing him <3

———

❥ walk this way — aerosmith

i am. blanking on how to tie it in other than being on the movie’s soundtrack (yes i avoided it and people are strange until the very end of making the playlist, but one of the evils got me clearly— have always ADORED people are strange though). but. i guess you can make the case that the song is full of innuendos and some scenes, like the feeding scene, are lowkey horny sbsjhbshjsbs and YES it’s the aerosmith version instead of the run dmc one because. i prefer this one and it’s my silly little playlist <3

———

❥ the boys are back in town — thin lizzy

technically the boys never Left town but !!! *christopher walken voice* Boys !!! them cast ARE crazy and they’re ALWAYS dressed to kill, ready to spill some blood and pick a fight !!! yeah no it’s just a very fun song that i think really works to. represent their crazy lifestyle and infamy around town due to causing trouble !!! and you can almost say that in this scenario star is the girl who used to dance a lot and slapped the shit out of someone <3 just girlboss moments <3

———

❥ xanadu — rush

hehehe… this started as the. desire to add more rush to the playlist for my own amusement but the more times i listen to it, the more i’m like “!!! it actually fits”… like. xanadu here is meant to a sort of utopia that’s long searched for, partly BECAUSE of the promise of immortality which !!! the boys have (unless. harmed in one of the ways at the end of the movie) because of their vampirism. like even if we don’t know the exact reasons they got turned, they all still, mostly indirectly probably, sought out that same principle. And the dining on honeydew and drinking the milk of ‘paradise’ is similar to their thrill-seeking tendencies and general enjoyment of being unable to die, leaving them to enjoy their undead lives to the fullest. not to mention, in [b part 2] (as genius refers to it) there’s talk of many, many years passing and waiting for the world to end, which we know there’s been quite a few years in between the boys getting turned and the movie, as well as i’m sure they sit back and wait on Some apocalypse, if not just to watch the world burn. in writing this, i’ve ALSO realized how it can be considered very Michael; he didn’t exactly seek this life out but he found it and indulged, only to be that “mad immortal man” towards the end of the song

———

❥ runnin’ with the devil — van halen

i just van halen is neat sbjshbsjsh and would definitely be something the boys would actually listen to hsjbshjsb i don’t Necessarily think vampires are in any way tied to the devil but. here it’d be more like a metaphor of “taking a walk on the wild side” if you wanna call it that; also, they all truly live their lives like there’s no tomorrow (not that they have to worry about death until the very end), have stolen a lot of things just to get by (probably in life AND death), don’t bode well with the ‘simple’ life (likely including the idea of a nuclear family like max proposed) because of it’s lack of pleasures, and don’t exactly have any “love [that] you’d call real” unless you read into the subtext 

———

❥ hot blooded — foreigner

originally this was going to be another joke about the. lowkey horniness of the boys and the movie as a whole but i’ve realized in writing these explanations thus far and rereading the lyrics that it’s. it’s just michael-centric sbshjsbsh sam is “at the mercy of his sex glands” and so is the audience of both the movie and the song sbhsjbshsj like. michael finds himself attracted to star immediately and tries for two secret rendezvouses, with only one working, and. can be said that he also finds a fever running within him when he’s around david and the boys sbhjsbshjs i just 🙈

———

❥ renegade — styx

renegade is my favorite styx song so i just said “fuck it” and added it sbshjsbshj but !!! you can say that, again, the boys live their lives on the wild side and. probably commit enough crimes to warrant dozens of sentences, some that would lead to death row (like, ya know, the. manslaughter) but they manage to get away unscathed. And the law man serving as an allegory to all of the people, including the frogs and grandpa, that want them dead for being vampires, with the bounty to be rewarded being the ridding of their trouble from santa carla

———

❥ big shot — billy joel

mikey :o) … ok yeah he isn’t the. silver spoon in hand (nose) type but he’s LITERALLY the type to open his mouth and get himself deep in enough shit that a fight breaks out, potentially bloodied his eyes, nose, and/or fists. i don’t have much of an explanation outside of he is a himbo jock who pulled a “i didn’t know how to talk to my crush so i wrote a note telling them to get out of my school” except he said it with his fist instead of his mouth sbjshbshsj

———

❥ boys don’t cry — the cure

pretty sure this is one of the ones i stole off of shovel (@/iswearimavamp) sbshjbshjs but i do love this song in a general sense too. in regards to the movie, like. none of the guys. obsess over masculinity or anything— and both david AND michael cry at different points— so that’s not necessarily an issue. but, there *is* still a lot of hurt and stepping on toes in many of the relationships in the film that can be stretched to fit, i would think sbjhsbshjs

———

❥ highway to hell — ac/dc

this and back in black were some of the last two i put on here because i. wanted to make an ‘even’ 35 sbsjhsbshjs BUT, like with runnin’ with the devil, it’s about a devilish lack of care for one’s own life or the “status of their soul” and just doing what feels right or like the most fun, no matter if it lands them in hell or not. and !!! “my friends are gonna be there too” fits with the friendship within the boys’ found family and how they’ll all always be together, no matter what !!!

———

❥ back in black — ac/dc 

i can’t really think of an explanation that differs from highway to hell so just reread the above sbsjhsbsh

———

❥ witch hunt — rush

OK !!! this is the song i’m the MOST excited to explain !!! right off the bat, moving pictures as a whole is an IMMACULATE album, absolutely love it. right so !!! this song literally SOUNDS like it belongs on the movie soundtrack; it has the same overtones and sounds as cry little sister and it’s just !!! and with the title, a witch hunt is BASICALLY what sam + the frogs went on in search of the lose boys, relying on little else but hearsay and catching glimpses at what was happening to michael, “confident that their ways are best” and moving along like a mob of three to get to the bottom of it. “features distorted in the flickering light // faces are twisted and grotesque” is very reminiscent of the faces the lost boys pull when they’re about to attack, and “they say there are strangers who threaten us” is symbolic of them being outsiders/outcasts that make everyone uncomfortable, even if You aren’t going to be their next victim. “the righteous rise with burning eyes” AND “quick to judge, quick to anger // slow to understand // ignorance and prejudice // and fear walk hand in hand” can apply to any number of characters, particularly the mains who are all pitted against each other, the humans fighting for their lives and the vampires fighting for their Right to live, neither taking into consideration the other’s perspective. i just… ADORE this song…

———

❥ red barchetta — rush 

this one was mainly just because of the car that grandpa keeps in the barn and both sam and michael’s fascination with it sbhjsbsshj and just to get more rush on here shjsbshjsbsh

———

❥ maneater — hall & oates

one of the first songs to hit the playlist !!! because the boys eat people !!! they’re the lean and hungry type that only come out at night !!! they’ll be sitting with you but their eyes are on the door and if you want love from them, you won’t get very far !!! the beauty IS there but there are beasts inside that can rip your world apart !!! they’ll chew you up but also leave you begging for more :o)

———

❥ hungry like the wolf — duran duran

the second song to have gone on the playlist !!! the boys are always on the prowl for fresh meat (in both the food AND turning senses) and they come alive while on the hunt, blood no doubt rushing through their veins (assuming it still can) !!! and in the movie, michael is the one they’re after for the turning connotation, all wanting a taste of him for themselves !!!

———

❥ subdivisions — rush

this rush song actually went on before the others shbsjsbshj but !!! it still fits just as well (certainly better than red barchetta)… the movie all takes place on the fringes of the city, “in between the bright lights // and the far unlit unknown”, and while it’s not exactly in the suburbs, there’s still little comfort to soothe the restless dreams of youth. there IS a drawing like moths into the city, for both the emersons and the lost boys, which is what ends up bringing all of them together, although it starts are cruising for action just to feel the living night. and just !!! NOBODY fits in !!! if you take the movie title as them being Lost instead of an allusion to peter pan, then you get slapped with thinking about what actually makes them lost and how they don’t conform in any way, shape, or form to just about. anything. and !!! the emersons are new, which immediately puts them at a social disadvantage, but they Also don’t seem too terribly great at making new friends in general so !!! “nowhere is the dreamer or the misfit so alone”!!! 

———

❥ abracadabra — steve miller band 

i just love this song for whatever reason. and i think the allusion to magic to very fitting for the hallucinations that david gives michael, putting a sort of magic spell on him if you want to look at it that way. not a lot of silk and satin going gone but plenty of leather and probably some lace in there somewhere ( ;o] ) … also michael DOES heat up like a burnin’ flame whenever his name is called and the situation with the boys just keeps going round and round with no exact end in sight, only the calling of desire 

———

❥ separate ways (worlds apart) — journey

you would think i would have more journey on here ??? because i love them ??? but instead i stole this off of shovel too ??? it’s fine. time to be back on the 95060 bullshit sbsjhbsjhs we all know david Really wants michael to join them but. michael is reluctant, so that hesitance sets them worlds apart from each other— as if they weren’t already— and there’s still love between them, or at least the bgeinning sparks of it, even if michael refuses to act on them and only keeps pushing david away 

———

❥ cum on feel the noize — quiet riot

just some boys loving to party <3 some boys with evil yet dirty minds, out of time singing, funny faces, and that have a lazy time <3 yeah no this is one they’d rock out to and someone would probably pull a muscle over because it’s just such a banger sbshjsbsjh

———

❥ rebel yell — billy idol 

Another stolen off of shovel sbjhsbsjhs also ever since it’s been pointed out to me that david looks like billy idol i’ve just been losing it a little sbhjsbshjs Anyway. they’d definitely idolize him to some degree, even if just for looks, and it certainly fits the way that they. most Definitely let out a rebel yell at the midnight hour if you know what i mean— *taken out by a sniper*

———

❥ every breath you take — the police

would to believe to know i took it from shovel (i swear the last three where i say that will be rock you like a hurricane, livin’ on a prayer, and cherry pie sbshjsbsh) BUT !!! the watching every move is yet another. david keeping watch over michael and uh yearning from afar moment, heart aching the longer he’s away and the longer he keeps up this game of not knowing what exactly he wants to do 

———

❥ handsome devil — the smiths

ok THIS one was lent to me by ej (@/maybe-strawberry-blue) sbshjbshjsbs and let me tell you. this song (especially when paired with this charming man) is Very homoerotic, aka perfect for this movie shbjsbshjsbs like what got me first was “let me get my hands // on your mammary glands” and just. thinking about trans parko sbhsjbshjs but also in general the. “and i would like to give you // what i think you’re asking for” and “a boy in the bush // is worth two in the hand” and just sbhjsbshjs Everything. fits the ambiguous homoeroticism. And i think the boys would listen to the smiths (will elaborate more in the other smiths song explanation)

———

❥ panama — van halen

i Told you all i think van halen is neat sbsjsshjb what can i say. the boys like fast moving vehicles, hard partying, and tender loving sbsjhsbhsj also forgot to mention that i think they’d all be :eyes: about pre-1985 david lee roth and i cannot blame

———

❥ rock you like hurricane — scorpions

third to last shovel snatch sbshjsbh Here you can replace any one of the boys with the animals mentioned, as they’re always hungry and need to feed… they come out scratching and ready to win, willing to rock anyone who gets in their way like a hurricane— including with lust, depending on the situation 

———

❥ livin’ on a prayer — bon jovi

i actually can’t even manage an explanation for this one either just because of the song’s plot and how greatly it differs the movie plot <3 however it will stay because shovel said one of the boys (i forget which) would listen to it and friendship is more powerful than my small brain <3

———

❥ the queen is dead — the smiths

rightttt so here’s the deal, buds and duds. something in my gut just tells me that david would pull a me and. listen to this entire album on repeat, particularly bigmouth strikes again and i know it’s over when in dramatics bshjsbsjh BUT to make a case for the title track itself, breaking into buckingham palce— or really any major building— with only a sponge and rusty wrench would ABSOLUTELY be an endeavor the boys would get up to And they’d all pale (worse than normal) about finding out they’re the descendant of some royal. “oh, has the world changed, or have i changed” and “life is very long, when you’re lonely” is quite fitting of their immortality, which i can only imagine would leave them questioning how the world has evolved and, although they have each other, i’m sure living forever still can get a Little lonely. And they’d certainly celebrate the death of a royal (because anarchy <3). mostly i’ve just been listening to this song on repeat for days sbhjsbshj but, i think it’s the most. generally related to all of the boys, whereas like. cemetry gates would be more solely 95060 

———

❥ need you tonight — inxs

my favorite inxs song… technically the 21st century Wasn’t yesterday when the movie came out nor when the song did sbhjsbshjs but there *is* a lot of sweating from desire and aiming to put that passion into use, very blatantly letting everyone know that sbjhsbshjs

———

❥ bad medicine — bon jovi

there’s just something so fun about this song… and while listening to it on the drive home, i was thinking about it from a 95060 perspective where. david’s a bit lovesick (hence the love like bad medicine) and the choir of voices in the bg, saying “that’s what you get for falling in love”, would be the other boys knowing he’s gotten himself in over his head over what was supposed to be a minor tease or a small fling (would be a real fun and poppy animatic i think)

———

❥ pour some sugar on me — def leppard

legitimately this started as a “haha what about my ‘what if the blood was kool-aid instead’ joke” and then i realized it was. a fair enough fit, especially with the feeding scene. except they’re actual vamps not just video vamps sbjhsbshjs anyway. sugar highs and red hot flames of passion for one another <3

———

❥ cherry pie — warrant

ok THIS is the last song i took from shovel and. my reasoning is pretty much the same as pour some sugar on me and. Friendship

———

❥ somebody told me — the killers

i wasn’t going to add any modern songs but. i thought it’d be funny if michael had had a girlfriend before leaving phoenix that looked a bit like david sbshjsbshj and then it only just added to angst sbhjsbshj

———

❥ you know what they do to guys like us in prison — mcr

i was reminded that vampires will never hurt you exists but. i went with my favorite mcr song instead because. vwnhy is more like ??? a vampire that fears themselves ??? so like. an edward cullen type ??? while ykwtdtgluip is more about the homoeroticism and community ??? i said what i said

———

❥ house of wolves — mcr

thank god this is the last song because i’m getting tired sbjshsjshb a little less homoeroticism, a little more general sinning and egotism <3

[kyleknight]

Here’s the transcription of the thanks in the FANDOM lyric booklet.

WATERPARKS THANKS: Benji, Joel, and Josh Madden, Miles, Abi, Joey, Benny, Lior, Naveed, and the rest of MDDN, Hopeless Records, Zakk Cervini, Courtney Ballard, Jared Poythress, ICM, PRS guitars, Chinatown Market, XLarge, Reconstruct, De’Wayne Jackson, Lucy Landry, Michael and Jennie, Lucas Hand, Jawn Rocha, Emilio, Good Charlotte, IDKHow, Chapel, Alternative Press, Rocksound, Kerrang, Vans.

GEOFF THANKS: Amy Dove (Rest in Peace Mom) and Geoff Wigington (Dad), Chloe Kristensen, the absolutely most amazing baby ever, Farore Wigington, Awsten Knight & Otto Wood, Grandpa Wigington, Grandma Wigington, Papa Dove, Roscoe Knight, Ginny Knight, Rick Wood, Patrice Wood, Rebecca Humphries, Timothy Humphries, Sarah Lilley, Cameron Gore, Arjun Kapila, Jawn Rocha, Travis Riddle, Andrew Atwood, Joel Madden, Benji Madden, Josh Madden, Amy Madden, Zakk Cervini, Doug Reed, Chelly McQueen, Emilio Rivera, Jared Poythress, Good Charlotte, everyone at MDDN, everyone at Hopeless Records, and you. Thanks for supporting us over the years and continuing to do so! See you soon!!!

OTTO THANKS: you.

AWSTEN THANKS: Mom and dad (almost called you daddy, abstained tho)! Benji and Joel for saving the world every day. Josh and Amy and Elle. Zakk for making my favorite album w me, very cool! Otto and Geoff bc sweet boys and not too tall! I like that. Jawn for showing people I’m cute!!!!! I’m just gonna start listing now because I don’t wanna have the longest list: Travis R, Andrew A, Lucas H, Elijah D, Kal S, De’Wayne J, Zakk A, Chelly M, all both of my therapists, Pete W, Gracie K, Emilio R, Michaela O, Fish F, Inderjot S, Joe R, Your Mom, Mikey W, Heather P, Kevin (dog), Sherry S, Carter H, Christian V, Sam F, Eric Tobin and the rest of Hopeless Records, Dallon and Ryan, Netflix, sherbet because I can eat it, Zantac because I need it to sing so there’s me promoting big pharma like a dipshit, Harvey, Creed Bratton, crawfish, my favorite wing place on Magnolia even though I know they’re absolutely laundering money there, Hulu because they’re getting all the good shows, the hot yoga place I started doing because it’s the only thing that can make me stop thinking about fonts, old lady Thai, Jet, all the taco trucks I miss in Houston, HEB, everyone that came to the Warehouse Live show last year, that was great. A24 and Blumhouse wow I love y’all, Donald Glover, lemon candles, black cherry soap, Target, my car that I didn’t name because I suck at naming cars, Loona, people who dye their hair like me bc that is so cute, Instagram even though they sell my data to Russia which is so wack of them to do wow, me because I’m cute, Claritin D (there I go with big pharma again god DAMMIT), also apparently China is collecting more data than Russia which is crazy, idk why that’s in here, I’m not thankful for that uhhhh. Resources, candles, anyone who is nice to me, not dust.

AWSTEN ANTI-THANKS: The people that live in the apartment above me, I’m gonna cut your skin off, I fucking hate you so bad, you made it so hard to think while I was making things for this album, I hope someone forces you to eat a gallon of pennies and you have to shit that out, you’re literally like punching your floor as I type this and I will destroy you, absolutely fuck you. Fuck dust and seriously I’m gonna cut out my neighbors eyes. Mark Zuckerberg, Mark Zuckerberg got baby legs. Idk if you saw the Entertainment credits but I can parallel park now! Good shit. If you didn’t see it, don’t worry about it, don’t buy that. Anyone who’s ever coughed on an airplane I’m on. Me. You. Us. Aw.

[beefrobeefcal]

Grandpa Joel Goes Car Shopping...

Grandpa Joel's minivan has finally died. The 1991 Dodge Caravan Woodie, along with all its rust and holes has finally launched itself into the great beyond. The sliding door had long stopped sliding sixteen years ago after one particularly raged-induced slamming when the washer at the laundromat had crewed up his favorite underpants.

The wood-paneled wonder barely limps its way into the used car lot and then ultimately gives up the ghost halfway to the front door. He doesn't bother taking the keys out and just abandons it where it rests. He gives it a final huff before turning his back on the traitorous pile of metal.

The front door jingles when he enters the dealership... if that's what one would call it. It smells like stale coffee and Armor All. The walls and front desk are covered in the same wood paneling as the thing he left for dead out in the parking lot.

A salesperson, a young woman who looks like she just finished college, comes gliding out like she's moved by gentle breezes and fairy magic.

She greets him cheerily and asks how he is. Fine, he grunts. Can she help him? Minivan's dead. What kind of vehicle is he looking for? 'Nother minivan. She makes a little sucking noise with her teeth and taps away on her computer. She has one, a 2007 Dodge Caravan. Is it a Woodie? No. Fine. It's seven thousand dollars. What?! She's sorry. It's fifteen years old. They're in demand. No, they're not. I'm really sorry.

He does the Dad Stance as he continues to grumble. He looks at the saleswoman speculatively for a moment while he considers his options. He spins his Mental Wheel of Morality and hits on an answer that's the best of both worlds. Wanna negotiate. She can't. He continues eyeing her. Or won't. She swears she can't. He leans across the counter. Y'sure?

He follows her into her private office, closing the door behind them, to 'negotiate' the price...

Love you, Beef 🥩

Apologies for the late response, Centy - this rendition of GPa!Joel's car shopping excursion is beautiful and for that, we can move on as a community.

Thank you - it's a beautifully touching tribute to his late stallion.

[parks-involving-water]

FANDOM Thanks Sections

Band Thanks

Benji, Joel, and Josh Madden. Miles, Abi, Joey, Benny, Lior, Naveed, and the rest of MDDN. Hopeless Records, Zakk Cervini, Courtney Ballard, Jared Poythress, ICM, PRS Guitars, Chinatown Market, XLarge, Reconstruct, De’Wayne Jackson, Lucy Landry, Michael and Jennie, Lucas Hand, Jawn Rocha, Emilio, Good Charlotte, IDKHow, Chapel, Alternative Press, Rocksound Kerrang, Vans.

Geoff Thanks

Amy Dove (Rest in Peace Mom) and Geoff Wigington (Dad), Chloe Kristensen, the absolutely most amazing baby ever, Farore Wigington, Awsten Knight and Otto Wood, Grandpa Wigington, Grandma Wigington, Papa Dove, Roscoe Knight, Ginny Knight, Rick Wood, Patrice Wood, Rebecca Humphries, Timothy Humphries, Sarah Lilley, Cameron gore, Arjun Kapila, Jawn Rocha, Travis Riddle, Andrew Atwood, Joel Madden, Benji Madden, Josh Madden, Amy Madden, Zakk Cervini, Doug Reed, Chelley McQueen, Emilio Rivera, Jared Poythress, Good Charlotte, everyone at MDDN, everyone at Hopeless Records, and you. Thanks for supporting us over the years and continuing to do so! See you soon!!!

Otto Thanks

you.

Awsten Thanks

Mom and dad (almost called you daddy, abstained tho)! Benji and Joel for saving the world every day. Josh and Amy and Elle. Zakk for making my favorite album w me, very cool! Otto and Geoff be sweet boys and not too tall! I like that. Jawn for showing people I’m cute!!!!! I’m just gonna start listing now because I don’t wanna have the longest list:

Travis R, Andrew A, Lucas H, Elijah D, Kal S, De’Wayne J, Zall A, Chelly M, all both of my therapists, Pete W, Gracie K, Emilio R, Michaela O, Fish F, Inderjot S, Joe R, Your Mom, Mikey W, Heather P, Kevin (dog), Sherry S, Carter H, Christian V, Sam F, Eric Tobin and the rest of Hopeless Records, Dallon and Ryan, Netflix, sherbet because I can eat it, Zantae because I need it to sing so there’s me promoting big pharma like a dipshit, Harvey, Creed Bratton, crawfish, my favorite wing place on Magnolia even though I know they’re absolutely laundering money there, Hulu because they’re getting all the good shows, the hot yoga place I started going to because it’s the only thing that can make me stop thinking about fonts, old lady Thai, Jet, all the taco trucks I miss in Houston, HEB, everyone that came to the Warehouse Live show last year, that was great. 

A24 and Blumhouse wow I love yall. Donald Glover, lemon candles, black cherry soap, Target, my car that I didn’t name because I suck at naming cars, Loona, people who dye their hair like me bc that is so cute, Instagram even though they sell my data to Russia which is so wack of them to do wow, me because I’m cute, Claritin D (there I go with big pharma again god DAMMIT), also apparently China is collecting more data than Russia which is crazy, idk why that’s here, I’m not thankful for that uhhhh. Resources, candles, anyone who is nice to me, not dust.

Awsten Anti-Thanks

The people that live in the apartment above me, I’m gonna cut your skin off. I fucking hate you so bad, you made it so hard to think while I was making things for this album. I hope someone forces you to eat a gallon of pennies and then you have to shit that out, you’re literally like punching your floor as I type this and I will destroy you, absolutely fuck you. Fuck dust and seriously I’m gonna cut out my neighbor’s eyes. Mark Zuckerberg. Mark Zuckerberg got baby legs. Idk if you saw the Entertainment credits but I can parallel park now! Good shit. If you didn’t see it, don’t worry about it, don’t buy that. Anyone who’s ever coughed on an airplane I’m on. Me. You. Us. Aw.

[missmelpcmene]

The Breaking Point — Chapter 1

Originally posted on Fanfiction.net in January of 2009.

DISCLAIMER: The places and characters featured hereinafter are the property of Warner Bros., Joel Shumacher, Janice Fischer, James Jeremias, and Jeffrey Boam and no attempt is being made by the author to claim ownership or profit from the use of the aforementioned characters. The views represented herein do not necessarily represent the views of the original authors and any character names or places mentioned in the original works belong to the copyright holders and are used in this story for nonprofit entertainment purposes by an amateur writer. The original characters used in this story are the creative property of Miss Melpomene and are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to real persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things."

Some runaways plan their escape for months, carefully deciding what they would take with them from their old life when they left, purchasing train tickets or bus tickets in advance. But most of the time, the decision to leave at last was made in the heat of the moment when things became too painful to take anymore. There was no thinking, no time to.

Melissa Van Buren had thought about running away before. Plenty enough times that she had every bus schedule and train schedule in town memorized. She never thought she would go through with it, no matter how bad life seemed to get. It was nice to dream, though, of getting out, getting so far away that she'd forget about her other life altogether. The reasons for never leaving changed daily, in so vast a number she thought she might never run out of excuses. But in the end, what it boiled down to was that she didn't have the courage. Her life could be worse, she told herself. She could be dead. She had a roof over her head, food in her belly. There were people all over the world who didn't even have that much, and how much better would she fair if she went out on the streets. She could get mugged or raped, or worse, and nobody would even care to look for her. She'd just be another runaway.

"Missy!" The shrill call came from the room below her and Melissa cringed. Missy had been the pet name that her mother, her real mother, and her father had called her by when she was growing up. Melissa was her name, but Missy had been so much easier for her to pronounce when she was little that her parents picked up on it and took to calling her that themselves. Melissa remembered when she was growing up, and her mother would say or do funny things. Sometimes the stuff she did or said scared the girl. She remembered the first time her father sat her down and explained what was happening to her mother. She had been eight at the time. Her parents had decided that since she was eight now, she could take a bath without their help. Her father still had to turn the water on for her, though, she still couldn't manage that. He had left her to pick out her pajamas for her, promising to be back in time to turn the water off before the tub overflowed like last time. Melissa was standing by the tub in the bathroom, watching the water rise when her mother came in.

"Get out, Mommy!" She cried, giggling. "Daddy says I'm old enough to give myself a bath now." Her mother looked at her like she could never remember seeing her in the house before. A few seconds of that look and Melissa became uncomfortable and tried speaking to her mother again. "Mommy?"

"What are you doing here?" She asked, and Melissa turned and pointed at the tub. "It's bath time, Mommy. Daddy's getting my jammies." Melissa chirped. "Daddy promised he'd read me a story after bath time, you wanna read a story with us, Mommy?"

"Why do you keep calling me that?" Her mother frowned at her.

"Calling you what, Mommy?" Melissa was confused and scared. She didn't like the way her mother was looking at her.

"That. Mommy. Mommy. MOMMY!" Her mother shrieked and tugged on her hair. Melissa started to cry. "Stop crying. You're not real. You don't belong here. You shouldn't be here. I was a good mother, I loved my Missy. Why do you come here? To torture me? To tease me with what I lost? I WAS A GOOD MOTHER! It's not my fault that she drowned in the lake, her father was supposed to be watching her! You're a thing of evil." Her mother hissed, and Melissa cried harder. "I only looked away for a minute…she wasn't supposed to be alone on the lake."

Three years before, when Melissa had been five, her family had gone on a vacation to their grandparent's lake house. Melissa took to the water like a duckling, wanting to be out on the lake any moment that she wasn't sleeping. One day, about a week into their vacation, a storm hit them. The sky was angry and grey, dropping fat, heavy raindrops on the cabin and lake. Nothing that Melissa's mother and father could say to her would convince her that the weather was too bad to go outside. She waited until her mother and father were otherwise preoccupied and snuck out of the house. She wanted to watch the fairies play in the rain. Her mother told her that inside every raindrop there was a little fairy.

"Fairies love to play in the rain," Mommy said. "They fly up, way, way up to the clouds where the rain comes from, and when they get there, they climb inside the raindrops and ride them all the way back down to the ground." Melissa had tried catching raindrops in a glass before, to see if she could see the fairies; but her mother told her that she would never catch one, because fairies were clever. They always danced away before the drops reached the ground, flying back up to the clouds so they could play some more.

She walked out to the pier where Daddy and Grandpa sat with their fishing poles when the weather was nice. They weren't there today, because the bad weather made Grandpa's bones hurt. Melissa walked out to the edge and peeked out over the water. The raindrops crashed into the water and the lake water jumped up to meet it. Something silver flashed in the water and Melissa gasped. Her grandfather had told her all about the different fish that lived in the lake, even pointed out the skinny, silver ones that he called minnows. She wasn't thinking about that when she bent over and tried to reach into the water. It was raining, and she was thinking that if she could catch the fairy that had fallen into the water, she could show it to Mommy and because Mommy had never seen a fairy before, she would be proud of her. The wood of the pier was slippery beneath her feet and when she leaned over the last time, her feet slipped out from under her and she plunged headfirst into the water.

Being underwater is a terrifying experience, anyone who has almost drowned would tell you the same.

Melissa could see the rain hitting the surface of the lake above her but she couldn't hear it anymore. Her thrashing carried her farther out into the lake, and the last thing she remembered seeing before she slipped under the last time, too tired to keep her head up, was her father running out of the house. When she woke up again, her throat was hurting from coughing, and she was tired.

They brought her in the house and Grandma took her wet clothes off and wrapped her in a blanket, rocking her and singing to her as she cried. That was the first time she saw her mother and father fight. It lasted all night.

She had almost died that day. But she hadn't. She couldn't figure out why her mother thought she had. "I'm not evil, Mommy. I didn't drowned in the lake, Mommy. I'm okay, Mommy. Look!" In the bathroom, she moved toward the crazed woman and her mother screamed. "You are evil! Taking the image of my baby like that to torment me! I was a good mother! I WAS A GOOD MOTHER!"

When Melissa's father came back he found that the floor in the hall outside the bathroom was wet, and the door was shut. "Missy, did the tub overflow again?" He laughed, turning the knob and pushing the door open. He saw his wife up to her arms in the bathwater, and beyond her, beneath the water, was his limp, eight year old daughter.

"MARIE! What have you done?" He grabbed his wife by the shoulder and threw her against the bathroom wall. He ripped Melissa's still form from the tub and pinched her nose, breathing into her mouth. "Breathe, baby, c'mon Missy.

Melissa remembered her mother screaming when she opened her eyes again, telling Daddy to get away from her and Daddy was yelling and telling her that she needed help. Daddy called Grandpa to watch her and Grandpa let her watch television until Daddy got back from the doctor. He sat with her on her bed, and he cried and hugged her a lot but what she remembered most vividly was what he told her when she asked where Mommy was.

"Missy, sweetheart. Mommy is sick. She's been sick for a long time and Daddy didn't want to believe that she was sick so he didn't help her get the help that she needed."

"Mommy doesn't look sick." Melissa said, confused. Her father leaned in to put his arms around her and pulled her up onto his lap.

"It's a different kind of sick," he said. "an inside kind you can't see."

Melissa didn't understand, but she wanted her daddy to think that she did so she nodded her head. "Where is Mommy?"

"She's at the hospital. The doctors are going to take care of her."

"When will Mommy be back?" Her father was quiet for a long time, and Melissa thought she saw his eyes shining.

"I don't know, baby." He said at last.

"Is she gonna get better?"

The shine in her father's eyes got brighter until the glistening liquid held there spilled over and down his face. Melissa had never seen her father cry before, she didn't think adults cried at all. "Mommy's head isn't like my head or your head." He told her. "It's broken, and sometimes she doesn't remember things. The doctors think that medicine will help her, but you can't make this kind of sick go away completely."

Something was still bothering Melissa, and as much as she wanted to ask, one thing kept coming back. "Why was Mommy mad at me?"

Her father made a sound like he was choking. "She wasn't mad at you, baby, she's just sick. Her head told her something that wasn't true and because she's sick, she believed it. Your mommy loves you very much, Missy. She might say things that sound strange or scary, but just remember that your mommy loves you more than anything in the whole world."

Two years later, her mother killed herself. The two years during which her mother's mental illness drove her to the brink were hell for Melissa's entire family. The adults around her cried all the time, and Melissa's mother never remembered who her daughter was. She screamed and cried every time Daddy brought her to visit, and though Daddy would show her mother pictures of her and explain that she hadn't died at all, Mommy got angry at him. She cried for the daughter she thought she lost, but Melissa never forgot what her father said to her the night her mother tried to kill her. Even when her mother would call her horrible things, she never forgot that her Mommy had loved her at one point. Back when there were smiles and hugs when her mother saw her, instead of tears and screams.

Back when her world was alright and there were always fairies in the rain.

"MISSY!" The call came again, and Melissa knew that if she didn't answer it soon, her stepmother would come upstairs and she wanted to avoid that at all costs. Even if it meant going downstairs and facing the woman in person. Her stepmother Renee was much younger than her father had been when he'd married her, and Melissa had always been bothered by that. Her father married the woman when she was twelve, and because her father was all that she had and his happiness meant more to her than her own, she was willing to cooperate with her new stepmother. She promised herself that she would try to get along with Renee, if only for her father's sake; and for the three years that Melissa, her father, and Renee lived together, things were alright. She and Renee got along well enough, and her dad was happy.

That was until he went out to the store to pick up a carton of milk and was shot by a young man who, at the time her father came in, was attempting to rob the store, and panicked. For the next two years, Melissa lived with her stepmother, who, after her father's death, transformed in a malicious, vindictive woman who was bent on taking her grief out on Melissa. Melissa tried to respect that Renee must have loved her father, and even if she had never cared for the woman herself, her father had most certainly loved her back. She hadn't been the only one who lost something the night her father died, and different people reacted to grief differently. Some people got reckless and wild, some lost the will to live, and some people, like Renee, just needed someone to blame.

She left her room with little urgency in her pace, preparing herself mentally as she descended the stairs. Renee was waiting for her in the kitchen. "Yes, Renee?"

"Do you have any idea who I've just been on the phone speaking to?" Her stepmother held clutched in her left hand the cordless phone that usually hung on the wall by the fridge.

"I don't know, Renee." Melissa said, because honestly she didn't.

"Your principal." Renee said, and Melissa's stomach dropped into her feet. "He said you weren't in school today. I had to LIE, to your principal, just to keep your worthless ass out of trouble. I told him you weren't feeling well today and so help me, Missy, if you don't convince me within the next thirty seconds that you had a VERY good reason for skipping school, I'm going to give you a reason to not feel well." Melissa said nothing, but kept her eyes trained on her sneakers. "Where were you, Missy?"

"Please, don't call me that, Renee." Renee knew well that it bothered Melissa when she called her by that name, she did it because it was the one thing she could do that truly upset Melissa, apart from bringing up her father.

"I'm your mother, I'll call you whatever I like! Now, where were you?" Melissa thought about reminding Renee that she wasn't her mother, but that would lead to a whole other argument that she didn't want to get into at the moment.

"I was in the park." She couldn't stand being inside a cold, cement building all day, not when she could take a book and lie on the grass in the park all day instead. Letting a dead author spin fantastic tales of hedonism and a young man who traded his soul for immortal youth was far more fascinating than listening to her teachers talk about algebra or ancient wars.

"Who do you think you are? Do you think that everyone else has to go to school but you're somehow above that? Well, do you?"

"No."

"I'm sick of this, Missy. Sick of you hiding up in your room all day, sick of getting calls from school that you're not showing up to class, or not paying attention when you do condescend to show up for school. But mostly, I'm sick of you. You. Everything about you annoys me. The way you talk, the way you look, the way you're always off with your head in the clouds."

"If you hate me so much, why don't you kick me out?" Her cheek was stinging before she even knew that Renee had moved.

"Don't you dare talk to me that way. You're mine. Until you turn eighteen and walk out that door, I OWN you. You think I wanted you? No, but I married your father anyway. I loved that man, and you killed him." Melissa winced, and Renee smiled. "He wouldn't have gone to that store if you hadn't whined about the damn milk. He never could deny you anything, and look where it got him. He's dead, and I'm stuck with you. You'd be happier living on the street, wouldn't you?" 

Melissa stared at her shoes, biting her lip. Renee smacked her again. "Answer me!"

"Yes."

"Aha." Renee smiled. "That's why you're stuck with me. You worthless girl. What better punishment for taking away the man I love than keeping you here, with me, where I can remind you every day of what you've done."

"I didn't kill him." Melissa whispered, and Renee probably wouldn't have heard her if not for how quiet the house was.

"What did you say?"

Melissa looked up, and her eyes were hard. "I didn't kill my father."

"Just like you didn't kill your mother?" Melissa froze, her mouth falling open in shock. "You drove that woman insane and she tried to kill you. When she failed, she killed herself. You're an evil girl and everything you touch dies!"

"SHUT UP!" Melissa screamed. "You don't know anything about my mother! My mother loved me! My father loved me! My mother was sick. She may have been crazy, but she never would have tried to hurt me if she hadn't been. Not like you. You're twisted and evil and you tell me things that aren't true just to hurt me! I'm sorry that Dad died, but it's not my fault that he died! I'm sick to death of you telling me it was my fault! It wasn't my fault!"

"How dare you!" Renee brought the phone she was still holding down hard across Melissa's face. Stunned, the girl stumbled back into the kitchen table. Her hands fumbled across the surface of the table until they touched something smooth and cold. She wrapped her hands around the vase of flowers and brought it crashing down on her stepmother's wicked head. Renee crumpled to the ground, unconscious, but alive. Melissa ran out of the kitchen, knowing that she had precious little time until her stepmother came to and called the police.

Melissa had always thought about running away. She never thought she would actually go through with it but as she blew into her room, she knew the moment had come.

The breaking point.

She ripped her backpack off her bed, gripped the cool leather in her hands and shook her school supplies out onto the floor. She ripped open every drawer and grabbed the first things her hands touched, stuffing them into her bag. She did the same to the cabinet in the bathroom. One book she took from the shelf of many, her favorite, and added that to the bag as well. A map, followed, along with all the money she'd saved, totaling six hundred and eighteen dollars. She took the bag and took the stairs two at a time, barreling into the kitchen where her still unconscious stepmother kept her purse. She pocketed every bit of cash Renee had, two hundred dollars, and grabbed her jacket out of the hall closet, freezing as the smell of the worn brown leather wafted to her nose and took her back to when she'd first saved up enough money to buy the jacket.

She'd been so happy.

Outside the house, she stopped to look back at the home she'd shared with her father before Renee had come along. She reached up and touched the locket hanging around her throat, fingered the place where "Missy" had been engraved on the back, and opened it. Her parents' faces stared back at her, smiling and young. Their wedding day. "I'm sorry." was all she said before she closed the locket, threw her backpack on and felt the rain hitting her face and hair.

"...fairies." She whispered, and she ran.

Thank you for reading.

[analogscum]

HARD ROCK ZOMBIES (1985, d. Krishna Shah)

NOTE: I RECOMMEND WATCHING HARD ROCK ZOMBIES BEFORE READING THIS REVIEW IF YOU WANT TO AVOID SPOILERS!

Human ambition is a funny thing. It can lead to great triumphs, but also great tragedies. Without human ambition, we would not have rock n’ roll, the most vital of American art forms. On the other hand, human ambition also lead the Third Reich to exterminate more than six million Jews, Catholics, homosexuals, physically and mentally handicapped, and Romani people. How does this tie in to today’s film, Hard Rock Zombies? Well, for now, let’s just say that it is a testament to both sides of the coin of human ambition that the sickos who made Hard Rock Zombies said to themselves, we’re going to make Hard Rock Zombies…and then actually went out and made Hard Rock Zombies. I’m honestly not sure if I mean that as a compliment or not.

We open on two metalheads riding a T-Bird convertible down a winding desert road. Lo and behold, they stumble upon a buh-buh-buh-baaaaabe hitchhiking. What are they gonna do, NOT invite this bodacious blonde into their sweet ride? We now cut to a dwarf with an eyepatch and a troll dancing around with a guy holding a camera by a river. You read that right. The metalheads and the blonde pull up on the other side of the river, strip down to their skivvies, and do a little skinny dipping. Suddenly, she drowns each of them one by one! And also does something else, because the water turns blood red, but I have no idea what that could be. The camera guy takes pictures of this gristly scene, while the dwarf and the troll celebrate the carnage. They chop off one of the victims’ hands, blondie picks it up and sings “I wanna hold your hand.” Again, you read all of that right.

Cut to: our heroes, the band, whom the movie never bothers to name (seriously, this band has no name), rockin’ out before a sold out crowd. Right away, we’re confronted with the major problem of all of these 80s metal horror movies: these guys just do not sufficiently rock. I mean, they have a synth player, for cryin’ out loud! This was not too long after Van Halen risked losing their metal fanbase by adding synths to “Jump,” because synths were pop, and pop was for pussies. But seriously, these guys make Billy Joel sound like Napalm Death. Oh well, at least the crowd of roughly 12 people seems to be having a good time.

Backstage, the band strip down to their banana hammocks, and their manager, Ron, tells them that they have to have their photos taken with a bunch of groupies. None of the dudes in the band, especially the lead singer, Jesse, seem to want to do this. They’re incredibly ambivalent about potentially sleeping with these women. Which of course is par for the course for 80s metal bands. Most of Motley Crue’s autobiography, The Dirt, is about the dudes politely sipping Earl Grey tea and discussing Nietzsche. We soon get an idea as to why Jesse is not interested in all of these women who want to ride his mullet, and believe me, you’re not gonna like it.

As he’s escaping all of these annoying women who wanna show him their boobs, Jesse runs into Cassie. Now, the movie is not entirely clear on how old Cassie is supposed to be, but let’s just say she’s young. Like, teenage. Like, below the age of consent. She warns Jesse to stay out of the town of Grand Guignol (subtle), where the band is scheduled to play the next night. Jesse instantly falls in love with her, because this movie hates you, and we’re treated to white hot, sexually charged flirting such as this:

Jessie: You're neat.

Cassie: No, I'm not.

Jessie: Yeah, ya are.

Cassie: ...shakes head...

Jessie: Yeah, ya are.

Guys, it’s rare that I make a point of writing down dialogue in these movies that we talk about, but Hard Rock Zombies left me with no choice but to slam that pause button and record some of these lines, because holy macaroni, peep this screenwriting magic:

“I got it from a book. You know, a boooooooook?”

“You guys ready for the show? The loud show? Loud music show? Rock and roll?!?!”

“Oh bullshit, young stupid!”

“You suck, mister! I know it and everyone knows it!”

Eat your heart out, Aaron Sorkin!

So the band arrives in Grand Guignol, and wouldn’t you know it, they pick up the same hitchhiking blonde, who invites them to stay at her family’s mansion. The family is pretty normal, you’ve got blondie, the photographer, the dwarf, the troll, the groundskeeper who, um, is that a Swastika armband he’s wearing, and grandma and grandpa, who speak in thick German accents and we meet them while they’re in the bone zone and the dwarf and the troll are watching them. Oh, and by the way, they’re secretly Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun, and Eva Braun is a werewolf. I PROMISE THAT ALL OF THIS IS TRUE.

As it turns out, everyone in Grand Guignol is a backwards rube who thinks that rock n’ roll is the devil’s music that will lead to “physical sex” (again, actual quote). So they get super duper outraged when the band engages in some antics that wouldn’t be out of place in an episode of The Monkees. They skateboard around, do silly dances, and mug for the camera. The sheriff throws them in jail, the town council cancels their concert, and outlaw all rock n’ roll in general, leading to a scene where everyone throws their records and tapes in a pile and destroys them (again, subtle).

Meanwhile, Jesse and Cassie keep running into each other and falling deeper and deeper in love, and the movie keeps rubbing our faces in their obvious age difference, because apparently the overt Nazi imagery wasn’t cringeworthy enough. Just wait until we get to the song he writes about her, because you’ll have to go to jail once you hear it. They practice at the creepy mansion, and the family tries to electrocute them. That doesn’t work, so instead they murder the band members one by one overnight. The drummer is stabbed in a terrible homage to the Psycho shower scene, the keyboardist is felled by werewolf Eva Braun, I don’t remember what happens to the guitarist, I think he falls out of a window or something, and Jesse is crucified and disembowled with a weed hacker by the groundskeeper. This means Hitler is finally ready to turn California into the fourth reich…here we go…no turning back…complete with gas chambers. Which come into play later. THIS IS ALL FROM A REAL MOVIE THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

Luckily, before he croaked, Jesse gave Cassie a tape he made of a bass lick that can raise the dead. Look, just roll with me here, ok? You’ve made it this far. So Cassie plays the tape at the band’s grave, and they rise from the dead, ready to get revenge on Hitler and Eva Braun and co. In zombie form, they all sport weird mime makeup that kinda looks like KISS in the early days before they figured out their image, and they walk around as if they’re doing a combination of the robot and the Macarena. These are both choices that the filmmakers made. So they pretty much instantly murderize the Hitler clan with no problems, but whoops, they don’t stay dead for long, because now they’re zombies too, and they’re attacking all the hicks in town, which makes THEM zombies. Now we’ve got Nazi zombies and redneck zombies running around, which is not an ideal situation to say the least, but for now, the band have to go play their big gig.

This is where we finally get to hear Jesse’s love ballad to Cassie in it’s entirety, and, well, here it is…

“I’m so in love, but you’re so young.” BARF BARF BARF BARF ETERNAL BARF. Anyway, see ya in jail, which is where I live now because of this song!

I’m really loathe to talk about the rest of the movie, because at this point, it takes a turn into goofy comedy, and just completely falls flat. Not that their satirical bits about the PMRC and anti-metal hysteria were all that biting, but at least they were trying to say something, whereas these Zucker brothers-lite groaners are just insufferable. There’s a gag about a girlfriend who’s so possessive of her boyfriend that she won’t let any other women get near his severed head after a zombie rips it off, which the filmmakers obviously thought was beyond hilarious, but is really torturous. Then there’s an even less funny gag where some Pointdexter is like, hey, since zombies are brainless, they must be, like, allergic to brains? So if we all walk around with these giant cardboard cutout heads, they’ll leave us alone? Huh? And of course it doesn’t work, and of course the zombies just eat everybody, and as he’s being devoured, the Pointdexter yells, “Don’t believe everything you read!” Ugggh, read this: you suck, movie.

OK, there is one running gag from this section that I liked: after the troll becomes a zombie, he just eats his own body until he’s a burping skull. I happened to think that was charming and great.

Eventually the townsfolk try to sacrifice Cassie to the zombies, because they read that if the undead feast upon a virgin, then they’ll rest for another hundred years. Whatever. So Cassie is totally about to be gang banged and devoured by zombie Hitler and his gang (wow, what a sentence), when luckily the band shows up, and lures them away by playing that resurrection riff that Jesse learned from a book (you know, a booooooook?!?!) And where do they lure them? Ugh, sorry…here goes…they lure them to the gas chambers, where they’re all gassed to death. You know, like in the Holocaust? I have nothing more to say.

The film ends, in perfect fashion, by spelling co-writer/director Krishna Shah’s name wrong in the credits. Fantastic.

When a movie looks particularly bad, I often like to say that it reminds me of a fake movie meant to play in the background of a real movie. Well, as it turns out, that’s the actual origin story of Hard Rock Zombies. Originally, the film was supposed to be 20 minutes long and featured as the movie the characters in another Krishna Shah production, American Drive-In, go to see. Apparently Shah decided at some point that he could double his profits by turning Hard Rock Zombies into its own feature film. This begs the question: is this where all the Nazi stuff was added? Because it’s easy to imagine characters in a movie occasionally checking in with the drive-in movie and seeing a bunch of rockers rising from the grave, but that Hitler subplot is just so bizarre and so incongruous that I can’t help but think it was tacked on.

Hard Rock Zombies is the craziest film I’ve seen in awhile. It approaches Demonwarp and Spookies levels of what the hell am I watching madness. You genuinely will not be able to predict where this movie is gonna go from scene to scene. However, the tacked on nature of that madness keeps you at arms length a bit, and eventually it just becomes tiresome once you realize it’s not going anywhere beyond mere shock value. I mean, this movie is nearly an hour and forty minutes, and ends with a scene in a goddamn GAS CHAMBER. So, by all means, show this one to your friends, just don’t blame me if they never talk to you again. You may be right, they may be crazy, but in the end, it’s still rock n’ roll to me.

[artwalktv]

This is the story of Jay. A simple man. Featuring Jay Kyle Petersen Director: Nickolas Duarte Editor: Matthew King Director of Photography: Will Turner Producers: Frank Armendarez, Sonia Campbell, Nickolas Duarte Young Jay: Destiny Vasquez Teen Jay/Young Man: Stephanie Ingmire Male Date: Jared Craven Female Date: Dylan Page Grandma Petersen: Pat Kaye Mother/Hooded Figure: Kimberly Wolcott Father/Hooded Figure: Steve McKee Cousin/Hooded Figure: Bradford Trajan Uncle/Hooded Figure: Drew Grubich Grandpa/Hooded Figure: Mark Klugheit As themselves Jay Kyle Petersen Tish Monroe Lesley Lillywhite Irene Messina Karen Symons Judy Gatrell Nickolas Duarte Penny the dog Kool Cat the cat Pig 1st AD (interviews): Keith Wagner 1st AD (reenactments): Frank Armendarez Sound Design & Mix: Mike Clark Production Designer: Jessica Van Ravenswaay Locations: Frank Armendarez Make Up: Sonia Campbell Location Audio: Mike Clark DIT (interviews): Ben Montemayor G & E Team: Chance Roberts, Evan Colten Production Assistants: Katie Healey, Christina Evans, Stephanie Orr Dog Wrangler: Christia Abell Cat Wrangler: Randy R. Culpepper Pig Wrangler: Angel Canez Colorist: Will Turner Executive Producer: Nickolas Duarte music tracks: "Nocturnal" by Gio Galanti "Rape For Profit" by Tony Anderson "Last Ghost Town" by Triads "Nightmare" by Triads "Atlantis" by The White Birch "Track 02" Ghosts I - Nine Inch Nails "Track 01" Ghosts I - Nine Inch Nails "Track 34" Ghosts IV - Nine Inch Nails Nine Inch Nails tracks off the album Ghosts are provided via Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Share Alike License Artwork Featured: "Guardians Sacred Heart of Jesus Soul and Guardian Angel Energies of Costa Rica Rain Forest Guardian Angel Soul Energy of Cat Sidney A Place of Angels and the Angels Wept Guardian Angel Soul Energy of Karen Symons Pain transmuted with God into a Miracle of Joy Energy of Rescued Whale Gracie Soul Painting of Sea Mammals and Marine Life Venus During Solar Eclipse I Guardian Angel Soul Energy Painting - Guardian Angel Painting of T. - Islands of the Apostles" jaykylepetersen.com all artwork is copyright Jay Kyle Petersen and may not be reproduced or distributed in any way. jaykylepetersen.com Special Thanks: Illuminate Film Festival Brittany Duarte Dan DeVivo Beth Vasquez Sherri Wakefield Sarah Hupp Richard Perez Martin Plocke Margoth Barrera Christine Davilla Yvonne Montoya Peach Tree Properties Rachel Davidson Taylor Davidson Lynn Lovejoy Charlie Prokopp Cindy Medford Suzie Q. Emmanuel Craig Westfall Martin Plocke Judy Gatrell Irene Messina Sean Mendoza Ray Ramero Randy R. Culpepper Karen Pye Dr. Christina M. Laukaitis, MD, PhD, FACP Director of Genetic Consultation and Counseling Center for Applied Genetics and Genomic Medicine University of Arizona College of Medicine Gail Martino, MA, CGC Genetics Counselor University of Arizona Pamela A. Bogan, MS, PA Urology Care, PC Tucson, Arizona Reverend Thomas D. Picton, C.Ss.R. Priest and Director Desert House of Prayer Picture Rocks, Arizona Former Congressman Ron S. Barber CD-8, CD-2 Arizona Liz Hill, Field Manager Southern Arizona, Phlebotomist Alpha Carpet Care Frank Sanchez Dr. Judith Becker, PhD. Head of Psychology University of Arizona Dr. Phillip Miller, MD Santa Clara Kaiser, California Reverend Joel T. Ireland Brooklyn, New York Dr. David W. Foerster, MD Okalahoma City, Oklahoma"

[hotfps]

This is the story of Jay. A simple man. Featuring Jay Kyle Petersen Director: Nickolas Duarte Editor: Matthew King Director of Photography: Will Turner Producers: Frank Armendarez, Sonia Campbell, Nickolas Duarte Young Jay: Destiny Vasquez Teen Jay/Young Man: Stephanie Ingmire Male Date: Jared Craven Female Date: Dylan Page Grandma Petersen: Pat Kaye Mother/Hooded Figure: Kimberly Wolcott Father/Hooded Figure: Steve McKee Cousin/Hooded Figure: Bradford Trajan Uncle/Hooded Figure: Drew Grubich Grandpa/Hooded Figure: Mark Klugheit As themselves Jay Kyle Petersen Tish Monroe Lesley Lillywhite Irene Messina Karen Symons Judy Gatrell Nickolas Duarte Penny the dog Kool Cat the cat Pig 1st AD (interviews): Keith Wagner 1st AD (reenactments): Frank Armendarez Sound Design & Mix: Mike Clark Production Designer: Jessica Van Ravenswaay Locations: Frank Armendarez Make Up: Sonia Campbell Location Audio: Mike Clark DIT (interviews): Ben Montemayor G & E Team: Chance Roberts, Evan Colten Production Assistants: Katie Healey, Christina Evans, Stephanie Orr Dog Wrangler: Christia Abell Cat Wrangler: Randy R. Culpepper Pig Wrangler: Angel Canez Colorist: Will Turner Executive Producer: Nickolas Duarte music tracks: "Nocturnal" by Gio Galanti "Rape For Profit" by Tony Anderson "Last Ghost Town" by Triads "Nightmare" by Triads "Atlantis" by The White Birch "Track 02" Ghosts I - Nine Inch Nails "Track 01" Ghosts I - Nine Inch Nails "Track 34" Ghosts IV - Nine Inch Nails Nine Inch Nails tracks off the album Ghosts are provided via Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Share Alike License Artwork Featured: "Guardians Sacred Heart of Jesus Soul and Guardian Angel Energies of Costa Rica Rain Forest Guardian Angel Soul Energy of Cat Sidney A Place of Angels and the Angels Wept Guardian Angel Soul Energy of Karen Symons Pain transmuted with God into a Miracle of Joy Energy of Rescued Whale Gracie Soul Painting of Sea Mammals and Marine Life Venus During Solar Eclipse I Guardian Angel Soul Energy Painting - Guardian Angel Painting of T. - Islands of the Apostles" jaykylepetersen.com all artwork is copyright Jay Kyle Petersen and may not be reproduced or distributed in any way. jaykylepetersen.com Special Thanks: Illuminate Film Festival Brittany Duarte Dan DeVivo Beth Vasquez Sherri Wakefield Sarah Hupp Richard Perez Martin Plocke Margoth Barrera Christine Davilla Yvonne Montoya Peach Tree Properties Rachel Davidson Taylor Davidson Lynn Lovejoy Charlie Prokopp Cindy Medford Suzie Q. Emmanuel Craig Westfall Martin Plocke Judy Gatrell Irene Messina Sean Mendoza Ray Ramero Randy R. Culpepper Karen Pye Dr. Christina M. Laukaitis, MD, PhD, FACP Director of Genetic Consultation and Counseling Center for Applied Genetics and Genomic Medicine University of Arizona College of Medicine Gail Martino, MA, CGC Genetics Counselor University of Arizona Pamela A. Bogan, MS, PA Urology Care, PC Tucson, Arizona Reverend Thomas D. Picton, C.Ss.R. Priest and Director Desert House of Prayer Picture Rocks, Arizona Former Congressman Ron S. Barber CD-8, CD-2 Arizona Liz Hill, Field Manager Southern Arizona, Phlebotomist Alpha Carpet Care Frank Sanchez Dr. Judith Becker, PhD. Head of Psychology University of Arizona Dr. Phillip Miller, MD Santa Clara Kaiser, California Reverend Joel T. Ireland Brooklyn, New York Dr. David W. Foerster, MD Okalahoma City, Oklahoma"

[whileiamdying]

This is the story of Jay. A simple man. Featuring Jay Kyle Petersen Director: Nickolas Duarte Editor: Matthew King Director of Photography: Will Turner Producers: Frank Armendarez, Sonia Campbell, Nickolas Duarte Young Jay: Destiny Vasquez Teen Jay/Young Man: Stephanie Ingmire Male Date: Jared Craven Female Date: Dylan Page Grandma Petersen: Pat Kaye Mother/Hooded Figure: Kimberly Wolcott Father/Hooded Figure: Steve McKee Cousin/Hooded Figure: Bradford Trajan Uncle/Hooded Figure: Drew Grubich Grandpa/Hooded Figure: Mark Klugheit As themselves Jay Kyle Petersen Tish Monroe Lesley Lillywhite Irene Messina Karen Symons Judy Gatrell Nickolas Duarte Penny the dog Kool Cat the cat Pig 1st AD (interviews): Keith Wagner 1st AD (reenactments): Frank Armendarez Sound Design & Mix: Mike Clark Production Designer: Jessica Van Ravenswaay Locations: Frank Armendarez Make Up: Sonia Campbell Location Audio: Mike Clark DIT (interviews): Ben Montemayor G & E Team: Chance Roberts, Evan Colten Production Assistants: Katie Healey, Christina Evans, Stephanie Orr Dog Wrangler: Christia Abell Cat Wrangler: Randy R. Culpepper Pig Wrangler: Angel Canez Colorist: Will Turner Executive Producer: Nickolas Duarte music tracks: "Nocturnal" by Gio Galanti "Rape For Profit" by Tony Anderson "Last Ghost Town" by Triads "Nightmare" by Triads "Atlantis" by The White Birch "Track 02" Ghosts I - Nine Inch Nails "Track 01" Ghosts I - Nine Inch Nails "Track 34" Ghosts IV - Nine Inch Nails Nine Inch Nails tracks off the album Ghosts are provided via Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Share Alike License Artwork Featured: "Guardians Sacred Heart of Jesus Soul and Guardian Angel Energies of Costa Rica Rain Forest Guardian Angel Soul Energy of Cat Sidney A Place of Angels and the Angels Wept Guardian Angel Soul Energy of Karen Symons Pain transmuted with God into a Miracle of Joy Energy of Rescued Whale Gracie Soul Painting of Sea Mammals and Marine Life Venus During Solar Eclipse I Guardian Angel Soul Energy Painting - Guardian Angel Painting of T. - Islands of the Apostles" jaykylepetersen.com all artwork is copyright Jay Kyle Petersen and may not be reproduced or distributed in any way. jaykylepetersen.com Special Thanks: Illuminate Film Festival Brittany Duarte Dan DeVivo Beth Vasquez Sherri Wakefield Sarah Hupp Richard Perez Martin Plocke Margoth Barrera Christine Davilla Yvonne Montoya Peach Tree Properties Rachel Davidson Taylor Davidson Lynn Lovejoy Charlie Prokopp Cindy Medford Suzie Q. Emmanuel Craig Westfall Martin Plocke Judy Gatrell Irene Messina Sean Mendoza Ray Ramero Randy R. Culpepper Karen Pye Dr. Christina M. Laukaitis, MD, PhD, FACP Director of Genetic Consultation and Counseling Center for Applied Genetics and Genomic Medicine University of Arizona College of Medicine Gail Martino, MA, CGC Genetics Counselor University of Arizona Pamela A. Bogan, MS, PA Urology Care, PC Tucson, Arizona Reverend Thomas D. Picton, C.Ss.R. Priest and Director Desert House of Prayer Picture Rocks, Arizona Former Congressman Ron S. Barber CD-8, CD-2 Arizona Liz Hill, Field Manager Southern Arizona, Phlebotomist Alpha Carpet Care Frank Sanchez Dr. Judith Becker, PhD. Head of Psychology University of Arizona Dr. Phillip Miller, MD Santa Clara Kaiser, California Reverend Joel T. Ireland Brooklyn, New York Dr. David W. Foerster, MD Okalahoma City, Oklahoma"