#gotta start making project playlists though

[badass-sunshine]

I just want to WRITE my brain has been buzzing with so many ideas lately

unfortunately I am full-time employed and then some so I can't dive into my stories fully. I carry a notebook though and write ideas when I can.

[trippinsorrows]

looking through your eyes + twenty

authors note: consider this a part one. splitting it into two because way too much would be happening in one chapter if i stuffed it.

cw/tw: angst, some fluff, characters discussing mental health, brief discussion of past suicide attempt

song inspo: ‘looking through your eyes’ by leann rimes

masterlist +story playlist + taglist request form

words: 5k

“Look, daddy!”

Though the call was directed to Roman, Solana can’t help but also look up, ensuring she keeps her hands on her wiggly baby boy. He’s at the point in his development where he wants to explore anything and everything, and the last thing she wants is her son getting into something while they’re on their trip. 

Roman’s gaze, however, is solely focused on the twins who are a few feet away looking over at him with the biggest, proudest smile on their faces. They’ve each created two pretty impressive yet different sandcastles, one finished, the other still a bit of a work in progress. 

It’s interesting to both parents that right off the bat they know who made what. The twin who has taken after Solana and her artistic abilities having a castle that’s a bit more intricate, neater and most likely to survive longer.

“They’re nice,” Roman compliments, a small smile on his face. “Can I take a picture?”

His question makes all the sense in the world. If there’s one thing Roman is going to do when it comes to his family, it’s snap a picture. Solana doesn’t even know just how much footage he has of their family. She just knows that it’s a lot. That’s for certain. His collection starts as far back as her first pregnancy with the twins to where they are today, spending some time in Isla Mujeres for a brief, family vacation.

Not that Solana has any complaints. She loves that all of these moments have been captured either via photography or videography. Keepsakes that withstand all of time.

However, their girls are clearly opposed to unfinished projects being captured on camera. “Daddy, no. We gotta finish first!”

Roman chuckles, unsurprised that the twin most like him is the one to protest. “Just let me know when you’re ready.”

They don’t respond, but he’s certain that they heard him.

He and Solana redirect their attention to their son who’s sitting between Solana’s open legs, grabbing and banging one of his toys against the towel underneath them. It’s accompanied with his babbling, no doubt his way of expressing his desire to be freed.

Solana giggles, looking over at Roman with a tiny smirk. “The older he gets, the more I see of you in him.”

It’s true. Not even in just looks. All of the kids look like Roman to her, but especially their baby. His father’s looks, his father’s size, and even his short temper too. 

Roman, however, wears a grim expression.“ Hopefully not too much.”

The delivery. The almost frown on his face. The quietness. All of it causes the smile on her face to dip a bit, Solana instantly knowing what’s happening. What he’s not saying. 

“Here.” Lifting up her chunky nine-month-old and handing him over to Roman, Solana’s previous joy returns just a little at seeing the natural smile fall on father and son’s face, the younger making his happiness at being held by his favorite parent obvious in the babbling that grows louder.

Shaking her head, Solana reaches for her phone in her Louis Vuitton beach tote. “You better not tell them I showed you this. They don’t want you to know until it’s done.” Solana warns, swiping until she lands on the desired photo. Scooting closer to him, she reaches him her phone. “Look.”

Roman easily switches their son’s position so he’s sitting on his thigh, one strong forearm wrapped around him, securing him to his chiseled body. He takes the phone, and when his eyes land on the photo, Solana starts explaining. “They’re working on a project in school on who they look up to the most. Their hero.” Roman’s shocked gaze falls back on his gently smiling wife. “They both chose you.” Solana watches Roman closely. The brief flash of emotion in his eyes. The way he smiles. All of the nonverbals that point to him being moved by this. “Why do you think that is, Ro?”

She doesn’t wait for him to respond. “Because they love you. Because you are their hero. Because you’re the best dad they could have ever asked for.” Some of Solana’s words of encouragement are ripped directly from the brief paper that accompanies the drawing of the girls and Roman they’ve created for the project. The drawing that he’s looking at now on her phone.

“You’re amazing with them. You’re amazing with him.” She chews down on her lip, eyes twinkling with excitement. “And you’re gonna be just as amazing with the next.”

Roman’s gaze snaps over to her, eyes filled with shock and curiosity. “Are you…..”

Nodding with a big smile on her face, she lightly teases, “you always did say you could never say no to me.”

Roman scoffs, clearly in a slight state of disbelief. To all of it. “How far along are you?”

Solana brings her hand to her belly, answering proudly, “almost eight weeks.” 

A small smile falls on his face, and right away,  Solana knows. Knows that he’s just as happy and as thrilled as she is. This is just his subtle way of expressing it. “You weren’t kidding when you said you wanted more kids, huh?”

Rolling her pretty eyes, she uses her other hand to playfully flick his shoulder. “You weren’t exactly opposed to the process.”

“Never that.” Shaking her head, she reaches over to tickle her baby’s belly, allowing their soon to be second youngest to play with her finger as the announcement continues to settle in with Roman. “Damn, we’re really having another baby?”

She shrugs, voice so nonchalant as she hints at something else. “Or two…..”

“Christ, Sol.” She giggles at the way his eyes widen ever so slightly. “Are you serious?” Roman sitting up more and adjusting their son so he doesn’t fall over progresses her giggles to full on laughter. “Solana, is it really twins again?”

Calming down, she offers in a still amused voice, “I can show you the sonogram when we get back to the house.”

“Holy—” His reaction is really something she wishes she caught on camera. “How?”

Shaking her head, she throws back at him with a small smirk, “you’re the one who always said you’re good at a lot of things. I guess we should add making twins to the list.”

While there’s humor in her voice, Solana is more than certain Roman doesn’t find comedy in the repeat. He’s happy, yes, but most definitely still astounded. “Another set of twins….” Shaking his head, he starts off with an almost sympathetic voice. “Baby, I love you. You know I do. But, I’m getting a vasectomy after this.” Solana rolls her eyes, though a part of  her wonders how serious he’s being. “Sol, we’re about to have five damn kids. That’s enough. You’re not about to have me out here, fifty-years-old, with a newborn.”

Taking her son from him who starts hitting at her chest, a sign he is ready for a nap, Solana offers a compromise. “We’ll discuss it more later.”

“Yeah, alright.” His fake irritated tone shifts to something else as he nods to the girls who are still laughing and giggling with each other while finishing up their sandcastles. “When you want to tell them?”

It’s a good question she thought of the minute the doctor confirmed her pregnancy. “When we get back home. Let them have this.” While the twins now love their baby brother just as much as they love each other, their initial reaction to the pregnancy was not….the easiest. And Solana doesn’t even want to think about how they might respond to finding out they’re no longer going to be the only twins in the house.

She’d prefer to push off whatever that looks like for later. Just wants to enjoy the now.

“Mommy.”

Solana is startled by the sudden presence of her girls. She never even heard them walk over. “Yes, baby?”

“You’re gonna protect us, right?”

Eyes crinkling with confusion, Solana adjusts her baby boy, lightly patting his back. “What–what do you mean, honey?”

Her oldest eyes watering only sets Solana off even more, as she looks to Roman for some assistance only to see he’s no longer there.

He’s gone.

Solana’s stomach drops as she turns her head, looking to see where he’s gone when her daughter moves a hand to the baby’s back. “You’re gonna have to fight for us.”

Solana is beyond confused right now. About it all. “I don’t—”

“Daddy’s not gonna be there. You have to do it, mama.” The quieter of the two taking a turn to speak, voice almost desperate and emotional only exacerbates the situation. Solana feels her own tears forming when her daughter reaches out her little hand, placing it on her shoulder. “And you can’t trust them.”

That’s when Solana really stills. Looking between the two who wear such troubled expressions, she asks, “trust who?”

With a loud, violent gasp, Solana shoots up from the bed. Breathing erratic, forehead covered in a light sheen of sweat, heart practically beating out of her chest.

It takes a couple of seconds for her to completely come to. She has no idea where that came from. She’s been having dreams over the past couple weeks of a future with Roman, an almost storyline that plays out and typically lulls and keeps her asleep.

But, not tonight.

Tonight, she can’t figure out just what the hell that dream means. If it means anything. A part of her wonders if it has to do with Roman’s text from Friday night and the fact that she hasn’t heard from him since then. Not a text. Not a call. Not a FaceTime. 

It’s been almost three days.

A part of her is worried, but another part of her knows it’s because he’s working. The last thing he probably has time for is to entertain her. And even more, she told him not to worry about her. That she’d be okay. And, she is. She’s just worried about him.

As per usual.

Leaning over, she hits the lamp switch on her bed and grabs her phone, hoping to find a text or notification from him. But, when she presses the side button, all she sees is her lock screen. A photo of them taken on her birthday. She’s sitting on his lap, arms around his neck, the happiest of smiles on her face as she looks directly at the camera, while he’s simply staring at her with such adoration and care.

It makes her heart heavy. An emptiness she’s felt more profoundly in the past few days. 

As much as Solana wants to text him, she won’t. She won’t because she knows that he’ll only think something is wrong and might even try to inconvenience himself by coming back home when he really doesn’t have to. He’ll make it about her when all she wants is to see about him.

Placing her phone back on the nightstand, she swaps it out for her journal, flipping to a blank page. Solana uses the pen attached and starts writing in a way she hasn’t done in some time.

Too long.

Dear Mom,

I can’t remember the last time I wrote to you, and I’m so sorry for that. A lot has happened. Some things I know you’d be proud of me for. Others, not so much. 

I know the truth now, mama. I know that you’re gone because he wanted you gone. Wanted us gone. And to be honest with you, a part of me feels bad. He only did it because you were trying to escape with me and Wes. Because I always asked you why we couldn’t just run away. Not knowing if my constant asking was a part of why you did it will always haunt me. And if so, I’m sorry, mama. I’m so so sorry.

But, there’s something I need to tell you. A lot, actually. But, I’ll space it out for different letters. The most important thing though is that I’m in love. I never ever thought it could and would happen for me, but it did, and while the past few weeks have been rough, what hasn’t changed is my love.

I love Roman. He’s the best thing to ever happen to me since I lost you. He’s kind and patient and takes such good care of me. And……

I finally had my first time, and he made it so special. He is special to me. 

I love him more than anything.

I wish you could have met him. I think you would have eventually grown to like him. He can be….a little rough around the edges, but it’s okay, because he’s mine.

My Ro.

—-------

This isn’t how Solana expected to spend her Sunday. Didn’t see it playing out like this, but one thing she’s been learning in therapy is the power of control. At the end of the day, she can control three things: what she thinks, how she feels, and what she does. Even when she doesn’t feel like it. Even when it seems impossible. 

And that’s why she makes the call to do something she still doesn’t feel 100% ready for while acknowledging that 100% isn’t exactly a realistic, attainable option anyway.

‘Do it scared’ 

That’s what Gail always says, and that’s what she’s doing.

She’s doing it scared.

“Solana.”

Looking up from her lap, the first thing she lands on is the bouquet of flowers that partially obscure an expected, loud colorful look from Naomi. Bayley is holding the large teddy bear that holds a box of chocolates with several greeting cards slipped within the attached ribbon.

The warmest smile sets on Solana’s face.

Untangling her legs from where she sits on the sofa in the visitors area, she walks over to them, the two women seemingly looking confused on how to respond, what to say or even do.

So, Solana takes the lead. Carefully taking first the flowers and then the teddy bear, she places them both down on the coffee table and opens her arms for a group hug.

Neither woman seems to protest. In fact, they both move to accept the kind gesture with so much force that Solana loses her balance for a second. But, it’s when she gathers herself, she fully relishes in the innocent embrace. 

Her eyes naturally shut at being so warmly greeted with two people who started out as strangers but have easily turned into family. 

“It’s so good to see you,” Naomi murmurs against her, holding her just as tight as she’s holding them.

Bayley follows with an emotional, “we’ve been so worried about you.”

Solana sniffles, the tears pooling as she pulls back and looks between the two of them. “I’m so sorry I did that to you guys. I—I didn’t—”

“Solana, we’re sorry, we didn’t do enough to let you know how loved you are and how much you mean to us—” Naomi also gets choked up, shaking her head and fanning her face. “Damn, I knew I shouldn’t have worn this glitter eyeshadow.”

Solana laughs and wipes her eyes. Bayley shakes her head and takes Solana’s hand. “We’re here for you, Solana. Always.” 

Nodding, she leads them both to sit on the sofa with her, again going back to her initial statement. “I know….I know you guys probably feel like I don’t need to say this, but I do want to say how sorry I am for….for putting you through that.” She knows what she’s been through on her end as being the person to survive the attempt, but there’s also another trauma that’s created for the people unlucky enough to witness that.

And those people are Naomi and Bayley. Solana doesn’t even want to think about how terrifying that must have been for them.

Naomi, however, is the one to speak first. “You know how this life is. We see a lot. We’ve seen a lot, but that…..that was rough.”

Bayley nods, swallowing. “And not being able to see and speak to you….and Roman wasn’t the most helpful.”

That’s not surprising, though a bit discouraging. Solana knows he blames them. Feels like they failed to watch her, and while it’s on her list to talk to him about it, to try to get him to eventually let it go, to forgive them, that’s not the priority right now.

They are.

She shakes her head, explaining, “I wanted….wanted to make sure I was in a better place before you guys spoke to me again. Before….before you saw me again.”

Because the last time they saw her, she was unconscious, being wheeled out on a stretcher after almost ODing. The least Solana could do was spare them any additional unnecessary trauma.

“Are…..are you better?” Naomi is the one to ask, trepidation laced in her voice. “I mean, I know you’re here, but—”

“I am,” Solana answers in a strong voice. “I’m here, but I just….I wanted to extend my treatment because I didn't feel ready to come home just yet, but everyday I’m here, I feel myself getting stronger. I’m….I’m going to be so much better.”

Bayley reaches a comforting hand on Solana’s knee. “You even look better, Solana.” Her smile is watery as she again affirms, “we’re just happy you’re okay.”

Me too.

Solana sniffles and wipes her eyes. She then directs her attention to the gifts. “What is all of this?”

Naomi makes a sound, a squeal almost. “You know we couldn’t come see our sis empty handed.” She then rolls her eyes, pulling out two of the cards attached to the box of candy. “Jimmy and Jey asked us to give you these. They’re mad we ain’t bring them with us.”

At that, Solana’s smile drops. “They’re not with Roman?”

Naomi is visibly confused. “What do you mean?”

Solana, also confused, shifts in her seat. “Roman text me Friday night that he had to go out of town for a work situation. I guess….I thought he’d take them with him.” Knowing that Roman doesn’t have his two right hand men with him makes Solana a bit more nervous about not hearing from him, and it must show.

“Hey.” Bayley offers a reassuring smile. “This is your husband we’re talking about. Roman’s got whatever it is. If he didn’t, he would have taken the twins with him. I’m sure of it.”

“I agree,” Naomi nods, also flashing a comforting smile. “Don’t worry, okay?”

Much easier said than done, but for the sake of not wanting to sulk or spiral, Solana makes herself focus on the conversation at hand. Taking the envelopes, she opens the first one. 

It’s from Jey.

Sis,

Been praying for you and shit. Hope you doing alright, and we can’t wait till you get home. Big Dog been mean as hell with you gone. Please come save us.

Just messing with ya…..kind of.

Love you,

Jey

YEET!

His card makes her smile, laugh, and cry all in the same breath. Sniffling, she puts it back in the envelope and goes to open the next one from Jimmy, only for her, Bayley, and Naomi to jump as music starts to play. 

It’s a musical card.

I'm a survivor

I'm not gon' give up

I'm not gon' stop

I'm gon' work harder

I'm a survivor

I'm gonna make it

I will survive

Keep on survivin'

Solana slaps the card closed as no one says a thing. Both Bayley and Naomi have their hands over their mouths in complete and utter shock, Bayley being the first to speak as she slaps Naomi on the arm.

“Why would you let him get that!”

“Girl, I didn't know! His ass always ordering shit off Amazon. I thought it was a regular card!” She turns toward Solana, eyes extremely apologetic. “Solana, I am so—”

But before she can finish, Solana literally falls back against the sofa, hand also over her mouth to hold back the abundance of laughter coursing through her body. It takes everything in her to manage to speak through her fit of giggles, “you guys, it’s okay. It’s….it’s actually pretty funny.”

Because it is. It’s so Jimmy. And she knows he means no harm, that he’s probably one of the funniest, sweetest men she’s ever come across.

Even if he does seem to be able to not read the room from time to time.

Blotting the tears away from crying so hard, Solana opens the card again and starts to read, ignoring the music that’s playing.

Lil sis,

Really been missing you. Roman been miserable without you too. Ole grumpy ass even meaner than usual. He ain’t even let us come over not one time! You gotta come get your man, sis.

Naw, but in all seriousness, I miss your lil ass and really been sending you all the positive thoughts and prayers. Can’t wait till you come home.

PS) What’s the first meal back gon be?

Love,

Jimmy

Finishing the both hilarious and heartfelt message, Solana is happy to see Bayley and Naomi also displaying slightly amused expressions. Giggling, she closes the card again, silencing the music. “I told you it was kind of funny.”

“I’m still going to talk to his slow ass.”

“I told you he’s challenged.”

Solana shakes her head, reaching for their hands, squeezing gently. “I really have missed you guys.” And that’s such the goddamn truth. Despite her reservations and feeling not ready to see them, she’s so happy she pushed past all of that. 

In some sort of way, she feels like she needed this. Needed to see and speak to them again.

Needed to be around her sisters.

—-----------

Later that evening, as Solana is sitting in her room, working on a sketch she’s been playing around with since her birthday trip, her phone rings. 

She halfheartedly switches her attention to the phone, expecting maybe Bayley or Naomi. But, that’s not who it is.

It’s almost embarrassing to Solana how quickly she drops her pencil and snatches her phone, pressing the green button with unnecessary pressure. “Hello?”

Her voice is clearly as excited as she feels, because he chuckles, “hey.”

Her eyes shut, an instant relief washing over her. “Roman…..” She can’t explain how good it feels to hear his voice, to be able to talk to him. “Are you okay?” Her tone easily switches to concerned as she remembers it’s been almost three days since she last spoke to him. “Are you safe?”

“I’m fine, Sol.” She’d feel infinitely better if he was standing in front of her saying those comforting words, but he’s not, so she just has to take his word for it. “How are you?”

“Fine,” she answers without much thought, because it’s the truth. But, she also knows he needs more than that. “Bayley and Naomi came to visit me this afternoon.”

There’s a pause on the other end. A response she more or less expected. “How was it?”

Solana leans back against the headrest. “It was…..it was nice. Needed. I—I missed them.”

She can practically picture the way he turns his head and strokes his beard, as he forces out a, “if that’s what you want.”

Solana sighs. “Roman, I—I know you still blame them.”

“And, I always will.” She swallows, hating the determination in his voice. Like nothing she says will change his mind. “You can’t fault me for that.”

She can, and she can’t. She has no right to dictate how Roman feels about what happened. That’s not in her circle of control. She just wishes he didn’t have such misplaced and displaced anger. Bayley and Naomi did everything they could. They had no idea about her past struggles with suicide. That she’d attempted before, and even if they had, Solana has realized through some heavy discussions and processing in therapy that even if they tried to intervene, she still would have found a way.

She would have found some type of way to try to kill herself that night.

But, she doesn’t want to drop that on Roman, not when she knows he’s already had a lot on his mind the past few days.

“How are you feeling?” She decides to change subjects, not wanting them to spend too much time on something that’s clearly going to take a while. “You sound less….distracted.” It’s the best word that she can come up with, Solana just now recognizing that while he still sounds like he’s carrying a heavy load, it’s a load that’s maybe gotten a little lighter.

“Yeah.” His answer is awkward, distant almost. “Been….been trying to clear my head.”

She doesn’t know what exact that means or how it works when he’s in the midst of working, but if it’s helped in some weird sort of way, and it sounds like it has, she won’t push or question it. She wants desperately to ask him about who he took with him, if he ran into any trouble, if he’s scratched up at all. Essentially, all the questions to make sure he’s not physically hurt, but she also doesn't want to bombard him. Doesn’t want to do anything to take away from the almost softness of this moment. 

“Good,” she finally responds, wondering where the next thing out of her mouth comes from, because it’s certainly something she didn’t plan or anticipate. “Roman, when you—when you come visit again, can we—can we try—I mean—the doors don’t lock, but—” She hates all the stammering and stuttering, but it’s so hard to ask this when she can’t see his expression, see if he’s looking disinterested or annoyed or anything. It’s definitely something that would be better served discussed in person, and she’s annoyed that she even brought it up like this. “You know what, never mind, just—”

“Solana,” his deep voice cuts in with a chuckle that knocks her anxiety down a level or two. “Yes, if you want to.”

“I do.” There’s an almost desperation to her quick reply. A bit of embarrassment fills her and reddens her cheeks as she explains, “I know last time, I—well, you know, but this time, I’m—I’m good.”

And she knows this because in the past few days especially she’s found herself thinking about him, wanting him, almost needing him in that way. So much so that just this evening the longing was so prominent that her hand wound its way between her legs, fulfilling something Roman had once tasked her with.

But, she most definitely cannot tell him that over the phone.

Or ever.

“As long as you’re good, Sol.” The sincerity in his voice makes her smile, Solana wishing deeply she could be snuggled against his strong, protective chest right now. “You know that’s never something I’ll turn you down for. Ever”

Giggling, her voice softens as she turns to lay on her side. “Tell me something.”

“Like?”

She shrugs and remembers that he can’t see her. “Anything. I—” With an almost tenderness, she admits, “I missed the sound of your voice.”

It’s almost embarrassing to admit as such, especially as it’s barely been three days since they last spoke, but it’s just how she feels.

And Solana feels a bit better about her vulnerable admission when he shares in an equally low voice. “I miss you.”

There’s something about his tone. About his delivery. She knows he’s not referring to this work trip. He’s referring to her overall hospitalizations.

To all of it. 

“I’ll be home in a month,” she whispers. It feels like so much longer though. For him, just as much as her, she’d bet. But, it’s all she’s got. “And then I’m not going anywhere ever again.” It’s an oath to both him and herself. “I promise.”

“Good.” It sounds like there’s more he wants to say, so much more. But, he doesn’t. And while she wonders why. Again, she doesn’t push it. Doesn’t push him. Just enjoys finally being able to speak to him, to hear his voice and know that he’s okay.

Solana stays on the phone for a good almost hour when exhaustion betrays her in the form of an escapee yawn. Roman chuckles on the other end. “It’s late. You should get some rest.”

“I’m fine,” she responds. “When will you be back here?”

“I head back tomorrow morning.” She wants to ask just where he is but decides against it. “Still want me to visit next weekend?”

“Of course.” That feels like a no brainer. “I always want to see you.” She exhales and shifts in the bed, feeling the sleep that she’s now realizing she was pushing back just to speak to him. “Maybe I will try to get some rest.” She has an early morning individual therapy session with Gail tomorrow, and they’re supposed to do some more trauma work, so she really should try to get a good night's rest.

“Good.” He genuinely sounds pleased at that. “I’ll text you when I make it back to the house.”

“Good,” she repeats with a small smile. “Goodnight, Roman.”

He seems to hesitate on the other end, an almost uncharacteristic emotion in his tone that she can’t really identify. “Night, Solana.” 

Her stomach flutters with all the butterflies that are typical whenever she’s around, with or even speaking to this man who has changed her life in so many ways. Grabbing the phone, Solana taps the end button and places her phone on the nightstand, feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and comfort. 

She moves to put away her sketchbook when a sound makes her jump a little. Looking to her left, she realizes she somehow didn’t hang up the phone and that the call is still going. Chuckling to herself, as well as the surprise that Roman also somehow missed that too, she reaches to actually and effectively end the call.

But, her stomach drops when she hears a voice. A voice that doesn’t belong to Roman.

“Was that your wife?” It’s a woman. That much is obvious, and while her tone is neither friendly nor cruel, it makes no difference because Solana is far too focused on the next thing that comes out of her mouth. “Where does she think you are anyway?”

Crushing. 

Debilitating. Suffocating. Inconceivable. The words barely touch the surface of what Solana is feeling in this moment. Feelings that are only intensified by Roman’s response.

With a quiet chuckle, he answers, almost bitterly, “working.”

The woman on the other end makes a sound that’s similar yet different from a scoff. “Don’t you think it’s time to tell her the truth? You really want to keep lyin—”

Enough.

Solana has heard enough. Reaching for the phone, she jabs her finger against the red end button and tosses it back on the bed. It’s only then she realizes that her hand is trembling, that her entire body is shaking, her breathing is uneven, and her eyes are watering.

Feeling what’s about to happen, she places her hand over her heart and closes her eyes, trying to find the safest place in her body. The anchor within her, the place that can settle or at least manage her anxiety enough so she doesn’t end up having a panic attack. It’s a longshot, but it works. Solana eventually calms down enough to where that tightness in her chest is no longer present.

But, that’s only the panic being pushed away. The hurt, oh the hurt is still there. Blaring, raging, burning pain that’s more excruciating than anything she’s felt in a long time.

He lied.

Roman lied to her. 

He’s not working.

He’s with another woman.

He’s cheating on her.

And reading in between the lines, it’s not the first time, he’s been cheating on her. Been lying to her. 

Solana’s head is racing, revisiting every moment and interaction with him.

Roman had told her from the beginning. Told her that he could and would never care about her. That she’d be nothing more than a business transaction, but she….she thought that things had changed. That they’d changed. 

That he’d changed. 

Clearly, that’s not the case, and maybe, just maybe, she should have believed him the first time around.

[hwaslayer]

wildfire (cs) | one.

—spotify playlist | series masterlist

—summary: assistant professor in bioengineering, incredibly attractive, lonely and divorced; that’s how most people describe san. but despite the events that have happened in his life, san has a lot going for himself. he’s a successful, sought out professor due to his brilliant contributions to science at just an early age of 32. he worked hard to get where he was now; head deep into his research, his publications, building his lab and creating a name for himself. everything was good and smooth sailing— until it wasn’t. because when he meets you, a bioengineering grad student interested in rotating in his lab, he finds himself ready to risk all the blood, sweat and tears he put in throughout the years just to keep you close— his need for you spiraling out of control like a wildfire.

—pairing: asst. professor!choi san x grad student!f. reader

—genre: (18+ - minors dni) strangers to lovers, grad school au | fluff, angst, eventual smut

—word count: 4.2k

—warnings: cussing/mature language, this is gonna start off kinda slow but i promise it'll get spicier lol, say hello to the rest of the professors in this fic ouweeee 🤪, some general bioengineering research terms, very vague mentions of mice research work, more of a glimpse into the yunho x san x iseul dynamic

—a/n: i'm also working on wooyoung's mini series so pls check it out! the next update will prob go up soon! ily <33

"Did you figure out your rotation for this quarter?" You walk alongside Jiung as you head to the Harvey Center, where Professor Choi's lab is located. Both you and Jiung had just finished up walking around campus to get your steps in, but to also check out the classrooms for all your upcoming classes this quarter and pick up books at the bookstore. Most of your classes were in familiar buildings, while two were entirely new. 

"Yeah, I gotta meet with one more professor then I think I can send off my final decision." You nod. Jiung is holding his bag of books and yours, not wanting you to haul them around campus with how heavy they can get.

"That's good."

"Yeah, hope so." He repeats. "Are you meeting with the other professors this week just to see if you wanna rotate in any of them instead?"

"Mhm. All in one week. I guess it makes it easier on me since I don't have to wait on anyone. I can decide by end of the week."

"Are you seeing them in person?"

"Just Professor Choi and Professor Kim. Everyone else said Zoom." Jiung nods.

"Wow, Professor Kim in person?"

"I heard he really values in person meetings." You chuckle. "Which is nice? Maybe it's cause he's the department chair."

"That, too. He just seems like that kinda person, though. He's super active in all the events."

"Truth." 

"Did you like rotating in Professor Bahng's lab last quarter?"

"I did. He was really cool. People in his lab are cool, too. I just.. I don't know? I didn't have a specific project I could focus on. Felt like I'd have trouble fitting myself in there and finding something to work off of. Everyone was great though, don't get me wrong. Just didn't click for me." 

"Makes sense. You wanna be happy and feel like you can thrive somewhere."

"Yeah, exactly. Plus, after talking to Sunwoo and Belle, I think my interests lie more in Professor Choi's lab." You look down at the bags before looking at the Harvey Center ahead of you. "You know you don't have to wait for me, Jiung. You can go to the apartment if you want."

"Nah, I'll wait. I don't have shit to do anyway." You swing the front doors open and Jiung instantly plops down on a free chair near the lobby doors. "I'll be here."

"Shit, I just realized I think his office is downstairs in the basement. I don't know if I have access."

"Where's Sunwoo or Belle?" You quickly pull out your phone and try to dial Sunwoo or Belle to help you. Unlucky for you though, none of them answer.

"I guess they aren't here for the day yet. They didn't pick up." You sigh. "Why didn't I think about this early on?!"

"Relax. It's fine! Poke your head around, I'm sure someone is there to let you in." You pucker your lips in dismay, hoping it doesn't cause any issues and make you late for your meeting. You should've asked for assistance in the first place, but it kinda blew over your head when Professor Choi responded quicker than you expected.

"Welp. Let's hope I don't fuck this up already." Jiung pats your head.

"You won't." You wave to him before heading into the elevators, down to the basement level of the building. It's quiet, and you don't see many people walking around despite it being close to 10am. As you approach the door to the basement, you peek into the window to try and catch a glimpse of anyone passing by in the visible hallway. To your luck, the hallway is dead and there doesn't seem to be any moving heads in any of the nearby lab rooms. You let out a sigh and take out your phone, wondering if you should just email Professor Choi to ask for assistance.

No, maybe someone will pass by in the next 5 minutes.

Give it 5 more minutes, then panic and email.

You tippytoe and peek through the window once more, muttering small curses to yourself for being so unprepared with your meeting. Now, he's probably going to think you can't—

"Y/N?" You turn to see Professor Choi behind you with a soft smile on his face. He's dressed in a grey turtleneck, black slacks and boots— large silver square-shaped frames sitting on the bridge of his nose. He has his hands in his pockets, a heavy leather bag slung on his shoulder. You're surprised he even knows it's you; then again, who else would be peeking into the basement at this time?

"Oh my god, hi—sorry." You pause, slightly embarrassed having Professor Choi catch you looking through the door's window the way you were. "I just realized I didn't have basement access so I was trying to see if anyone was around before bothering you."

"All good. Perfect timing, hm?" He taps his badge against the reader and swings the door open. "After you." You give him a curt bow as a thank you, slowly walking into the basement hallway. San trails behind you, and he takes note of the way you're dressed. You're in some wide-leg white jeans, a cream colored vest and some black platform loafers. It's cute, really. He gives you another toothless smile when you stop in your tracks and wait for him to lead the way. Hopefully, he didn't catch your eyes when you quickly skimmed his outfit again— he was tall and he was well-built, it was very obvious with that turtleneck he had on. He smells of a woody cologne, mixed with notes of jasmine and patchouli. It's not overbearing, but it definitely makes its presence known next to you. "How's your day been?" He asks and you just nod.

"It's been alright. I just went to pick up my books at the book store, explored around campus to make sure I knew where my classes were at. There's a few buildings I haven't had class in."

"That's good. Getting prepared for the quarter well I see." 

"Trying to, at least." He chuckles as he does an abrupt turn to the right and swings a door open. You follow him into another office space, where desks are lined up amongst each other. You find a few people sitting around, typing away on their desktops. It's too bad Sunwoo or Belle wasn't around. You'd probably feel a bit less nervous seeing their faces before the meeting.

"What's up, Professor Choi!" One of his lab members calls out. San does a quick nod and throws up a wave just as he unlocks his office door and steps inside. 

"Come in." He holds the door open for you once again. "Sorry it's a bit messy. I'm all over the place with these progress reports and finalizing class details."

"No worries! Honestly doesn't look messy to me." You look around seeing a stack of papers on his desk. Otherwise, everything is neat. He's got all his awards framed up and lined along the back wall. Books on shelves near his desk. A couch off to the side wall with two small pillows. A small coffee table. A mini fridge. Two chairs for guests at his desk. It's roomy, but not super roomy.

It smells like his cologne.

"Have a seat." He pulls out one of the two chairs directly in front of his desk. You sit and place your bag down on the ground, fixing yourself as Professor Choi sets his bag down and sits at his computer chair. "Gotta apologize again, it's my first meeting of the day so I don't have everything out and ready."

"No need to apologize, I get it." You chuckle and he smiles. 

"Your CV was really impressive." He says as he's pulling up said CV. He's looked at it enough times to have a photographic memory of it, which is the first for him. Right away, he can tell you'd work well in his lab. You have a good head on your shoulders, smart. Can contribute a lot. He just knows sometimes.

"Thank you." You smile and it makes San's smile grow bigger. 

"So, why do you wanna explore those areas? Tell me a little bit more about your experience with everything. Computational analysis, mice, 2P and opto-stim-neural circuit work. All that good stuff." He sits back a bit, his full attention now on you instead of your CV on the screen. You feel your hands get a 'lil clammy the more his eyes focus on you, your lips feeling a 'lil more dry than usual. Shit, he is attractive.

"Sure!" You quickly shake off the nerves and begin to tell him about your experience and interest in bioengineering. It all started when the field was briefly introduced to you in high school, and your curiosity grew to enormous levels when you found a few schools that had the specific undergrad program available. You've talked to a few seniors about their experiences, like Sunwoo, before solidifying your decision to move forward with the major. You tell him how you took a break after graduation to get some more hands-on experiences through two internships and a full-time job, working on in-vitro mice work, computational analysis and building and maintaining 2P microscopes. Then, you realized you really wanted to get back on track and pursue your graduate studies. You tell him about your rotation in Professor Bahng's lab last quarter and how you enjoyed it, but you were having trouble figuring out how you'd fit in the lab. When you talked to Sunwoo a little more about what he's been up to in Professor Choi's lab, your interest in opto-stim peeked, having been Professor Choi's niche. 

It's a nice, easy conversation. You find that Professor Choi isn't as intimidating as you thought. He chimes in with questions every now and then, making it a smooth two-way convo.

"Ah, Professor Bahng? That's my guy right there. Learned lots from him." You chuckle.

"He's brilliant."

"He is, he really, really is." He nods. "But I totally get it, it's good to experience things in order for you to understand what you really want or how to spend your time wisely."

"Exactly." You tilt your head and look at him. "That's pretty much it for me, though. Your work is great. I'm really interested in learning more and diving deep into opto-stim. I know the basics, but haven't gotten a chance to work with it. Sunwoo's project seems to encompass a lot of that, along with the other aspects I've worked with." 

"That's right. His project has been on a roll, same thing with Belle's. I can see you working between the both of them, most of your time with Sunwoo, though. I think you'll fit the best with his, and I can see a lot of potential avenues coming out of it. He's been asking for some help, too." He chuckles. "Why don't you talk to Sunwoo and Belle a little more? Then all four of us can meet in the next couple of days to finalize project ideas and details. Should be good to start the rotation afterwards if it all goes smoothly." Your eyes light up.

"Really? I-I mean, yes. I'll do that."

"Mhm. Let me know when you're ready? Just send me an another email."

"Thank you, Professor Choi." He smiles at you.

"You're very welcome. Do you have any other questions?" You look at him, head tilting out of curiosity.

"Um, not for the project. It's something more personal, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Go for it." He leans back again and rests his clasped hands on his lap.

"Why did you pursue this field?" San is having to pause because out of all the times he's met with students, people [besides formal interviews], no one has asked him that question. No one has asked him directly— people like to assume they know him because his name is out there, but not once has anyone asked about his experience.

"Hm." He hums. "It's probably gonna sound a little cliché and everything, so don't judge me." You giggle and shake your head. "It just felt like my calling? Kinda like you." When he smiles, you find yourself captivated by his dimples. They make everything about his smile so captivating and so, so charming. "I think you might know this already, but my dad was a biology professor. He always told me to challenge myself and think outside the box, and I think the early exposure to his career definitely shaped my path. He'd share his knowledge with me and try to ask me tricky questions. Make me think about what's around me, how things can be improved. Better understood. Then, I learned about bioengineering and tried to better understand it. Open new avenues for things that haven't been studied well yet. Just took lots of risks and tried things out. Failed lots of times before getting the hang of things."

"That's amazing. Your parents must be really proud."

"I hope so." He laughs. "Thanks for asking."

"Oh, no. Thank you. I wasn't sure if I overstepped with that question."

"What? No way. You're actually the first to ask and I appreciate that."

"Oh?" Is all you manage to get out, confused as to why he would say that. Has no tried to ask about him or get to know him a little better? Maybe it was just you, but you definitely thought building good, personal connections would bring more advantages than not— first and foremost, bringing comfort and ease, especially to any new environment. Who would wanna work in an awkward, tense setting?

"I mean it." San laughs. "I appreciate it. It's nice when people take a second to view me as a human and not a robot who is constantly churning work." 

"Course." The both of you maintain eye contact for a bit and it makes you feel so, so nervous that he's just looking at you. And he kinda is just looking at you. Observing you. He finds himself admiring your look once more; the hair, your smile, your nails. Cute. He knows he shouldn't, but truthfully, he can't really help himself when a beautiful woman is in front of him in general. He is a man, and a man who enjoys eye candy. "Anyway, I know you're probably booked and busy today, so let me get going."

"You're okay. I don't have anything until the next 30 mins, don't feel the need to rush."

"No, it's okay. I should totally let you be." You stand and smile at him as you sling the strap on your shoulder and tuck your bag close. "Thank you again, Professor Choi. I'm excited for what's to come."

"Me too. It'll be great, I know it." He stands, hands in his pockets as he follows you towards the door.

"Thanks." You turn to look at him, and he's not too far from you. "See you soon.. over Zoom?" You assume that since the basics and introductions are out of the way, it'll probably be more convenient for Professor Choi to do a Zoom meeting. Lo and behold, he surprises you with a: 

"In person would be nice." He smirks a bit. He does enjoy his in person meetings; they're more productive that way.

"Are you sure? I don't wanna waste your time."

"Never." He shrugs a bit. "I mean it. It's always better to talk in person, anyway." 

"I agree." You smile at him once more, hand on his door handle. "See you soon."

"Have a good one, Y/N. Feel free to email me if anything comes up."

"Appreciate it." You give him one last look before you swing the door open and find Sunwoo just about to settle down at his desk.

"Y/N! Professor Choi! Assuming it went well and I'll get the help I've been begging for?" San laughs.

"Yeah. I asked Y/N to talk to you and Belle about potential projects and to email me once she's ready so we can all meet and finalize details."

"Good with me." 

"Good with me, too." San gives you both a small, toothless smile before walking back into his office. "So, how'd it really go?"

"Good." You approach Sunwoo's desk. "He's not as intimidating as I thought. Kinda. Really laid back, though."

"Yeah, he's super chill and easy going. Super supportive. You'll enjoy it here." He waves his phone. "Sorry I missed your call earlier."

"I forgot I didn't have access into the basement."

"How'd you get in?"

"Professor Choi saw me peeking through the basement door window." Sunwoo snorts.

"Amazing first impression." You playfully pinch his bicep.

"Hate you." You pout. "I'm nervous."

"For what, dude?" He laughs. "I promise you, it's not that bad at all. As long as you put in the work and do what you need to do, everything will play out fine."

"What if I don't get into the lab post-rotation?"

"Don't say that." Sunwoo smiles. "You'll be good. Promise. You're smart and hardworking."

"We'll see. Maybe you'll realize how much of a pain in the ass I am when we work together."

"True." You glare at him and he laughs. "Kidding. Ready for classes to start soon?"

"No."

"That's the spirit." You chuckle. "Anyway, let me know when you're free this week. We can walk around the lab while we talk about projects. Belle is usually here around the same time I am so I'm sure we can grab her whenever." You nod. At this point, Chris and Yeosang walk into the room, the two in good spirits and engaging in lively conversation right before knocking on San's door. 

"Okay. I'll text you later, then. I gotta get back to Jiung, I left him upstairs."

"I saw." He chuckles and salutes just as he diverts his attention to the data on his desktop computer.

"Hi Professor Bahng, Professor Kang." You smile at them in passing and they nod in response.

"Hey Y/N! Nice to see you around these parts." Professor Bahng says with that usual happy tone of his. Professor Kang is a little more shy, but never fails to acknowledge you with a smile or soft 'hello.' Chris presses his ear to the door before laughing and swinging the door open, greeting San as casually as they can before the door shuts.

"Whattup!" Chris plops onto San's couch while Yeosang takes the other end.

"Nothing much. Just finished my meeting with the rotation student. You know her, actually."

"Oh, Y/N? Yeah! She's crazy smart. Think she'll do some good work in your lab." San nods.

"So, what's the plan you wanted to talk about?"

"I need to start planning the symposium for one of the grants. It needs to happen within the next month. Was hoping you can help us, give us a few tips? Maybe do a talk?"

"Where are you planning to do it?"

"Right next door at the Acacia Center, was hoping one of the huge conference rooms would be open."

"Probably the best place to do it because they can cater for the event, too."

"Who else can we recruit to do a talk, though?" Yeosang sits back and lets out a sigh. "Jongho?"

"Try seeing if Namjoon is free, that'll definitely draw some people." They all laugh in unison knowing Namjoon's power. "And make sure you do the whole email blast with flyers everywhere. Let people pass it along."

"Yeah, okay. But, also, don't hate me." Christopher looks at San with an awkward smile. San knows though, he knows very well what he's hinting at.

"We've already talked about this. I don't care."

"I know, but still. You're one of my good friends and I'd hate to put you in an uncomfortable position."

"Well, Yunho is always gonna be there and I don't expect things to change. We're always gonna have to work together despite what happened."

"I don't know how you do it, I'm sorry." Yeosang says, slightly shaking his head as he sinks into the couch a little more. 

"I agree. You're strong, man."

"I have no choice." San laughs. "Besides, I stopped letting that consume me a long time ago. It's none of my concern anymore. As long as I can get my shit done without issues and minimal contact, I couldn't care less."

"That's real, honestly." Chris lets out a breath. "Well, I'm gonna ask him to do a talk."

"Go for it. Will probably be good for the grant, too." San sighs. He meant it when he said he stopped letting the entire thing consume him a long time ago. And he does have to interact with Yunho whether he likes it or not; it's not like he's gonna give everything up just because he can't stand some petty drama from the past. Besides, he promised Namjoon he was okay. He promised he wouldn't cause issues even though Namjoon didn't expect any. But, it did hurt. He's not gonna lie— there are days when he still questions everything and he wonders why things unfolded the way it did. 

He just knows better now, and can actually brush it off without it affecting his mood, his surroundings.

"I gotta keep going through my list of people."

"I can ask around, too." San says. "Do you want me to see if the big conference room is free?"

"Yeah, please?" Chris laughs. "They give you everything."

"No, they don't." San rolls his eyes with a chuckle. 

"Damn near." Yeosang adds.

"Any of your lab members wanna do a poster presentation?"

"Uh." San shuts his eyes in thought for a second. "Let me ask, I think Yoon might have some good data to present."

"Okay, let me know." San nods. "You guys free for lunch later?"

"12:30, maybe?" Yeosang stands and looks at his watch. "I gotta get to my next round of meetings 'till then."

"Same. Text me where to meet?" Chris stands and nods before throwing up the peace sign.

"Will do. Thanks for the tips and for looking into the room."

"I'll let you know what they say." Both Christopher and Yeosang nod just as they walk out of his office and leave him to his peace. He makes a note to send an email after his next meeting about the room and catering, knowing how hard it can be to reserve a room within a month's time frame at this campus. He'll do what he can to help Chris, though— that's one of his good friends and somebody who didn't turn their back on him after everything that's happened. Even Yeosang, Mingi, Jongho. Namjoon. Of course, everyone works great together. Everyone is civil when they need to be. But San knows if he ever needed them, they'd be there for him in a heartbeat. 

They'd be the people he could turn to without question.

When it comes time for lunch, San is barely getting out of his meeting at 12:30pm. He finds Chris, Yeosang and Mingi at the café right across the way from the Harvey Center, falling in line with them just as it grows during the lunch hour rush. They grab their food and plop down at a shaded table off to the side, greeting a few familiar faces and passing students.

"What's up?" Yunho passes, nodding at the table and giving Chris' shoulder a quick massage. Iseul follows behind, not paying the group any mind. Yeosang, Mingi and Chris share their own 'hello's,' while Yunho and San continue to play the silent treatment with each other. Yes, San will work with Yunho if he needs to. He'll be civil, he'll act like nothing ever happened. He'll act like their relationship wasn't severed after everything that went down. But, if he's out here minding his business, eating lunch with friends— he'd rather not bump into Yunho and Iseul and make any small talk. Simply just cause. He's done a lot of work to get past that and he doesn't want anything to do it with anymore.

"Anyway." Mingi says, making Chris snort.

"Anyway. Ya'll trying to hit the gym sometime tomorrow?"

"I'm down." San says, scrolling through his phone. He'll scratch some time out of his evening to hit the gym since it's been a few days  since his last gym session. At least, he plans to finalize his class schedule before end of the day today— he'll have a little more breathing room once he submits that to the department.

"No way, you're not serious!" Your voice echoes as you exit the café, laughing along with Jiung and Felix over Felix's random encounter that he was giving you details about. San diverts his attention to your group, recognizing the outfit, the voice. He sips on his drink and continues to watch the smile on your face build, the animated hand gestures you use, the way you so attentively listen to every word your friends are telling you. Oddly enough, he finds that seeing you is a good distraction. He feels a little more relaxed post-5 second Yunho and Iseul encounter, a small subtle smile creeping up on his lips when he sees you throw your head back in laughter. It's soothing.

That's probably the moment he realizes you are enticing.

And to be honest, he's not understanding why he feels a certain pull to you; it's so uncommon and so, so foreign, to him. He doesn't even think he felt this way when he first started dating Iseul. Don't get him wrong— he did love her, he did feel the usual giddiness, the honeymoon phase, all of the above. Everything progressed as naturally as it could with that time. 

But with you, he's finding a certain itch. He's not sure how to relieve himself, especially when he knows he shouldn't. He can't. 

It'll be trouble having you around, he's very aware of that. It'll be a test for him, the boundaries he creates to make sure you both don't cross that line.

He can't.

Still doesn't mean he won't.

—taglist: @asjkdk @interweab @woojirang @svintsandghosts @cheolliehugs @persphonesorchid @mxnsxngie @jycas @cowboydk @vcutparis @chngbnwf @struggling101 @sanhwalvr @angelqueendom

[certifiedfreec]

neighbor!keegan is super handy! <3

🏠 neighbor!keegan notices you when you first move in, but he doesn’t introduce himself just yet- he knows you’ll probably need time to unpack, adjust to the new space, etc. he’s also not sure how you feel about strangers helping you carry your personal belongings, even though he’d really like to help you. it’s just in his nature to serve others!

🏠 the first time you see him, he’s either out in the garage tinkering with his car or working on some sort of project. he likes to keep his hands busy, always fixing or constructing something…though he can certainly think of some ways to use his hands with you ;)

🏠 neighbor!keegan is in his own little world, humming along to the music playing on his speakers while he works away, so he doesn’t immediately notice you from across the street while you’re getting your mail. you can see the muscles in his arms ripple, the slight sheen of sweat from his efforts and the way it makes his t-shirt cling to his form. you’ve got the best seat in the house! if you stare too long, he’ll definitely feel your eyes though- he’s just extra keen like that :)) once he actually spots you, he’ll conveniently stop what he’s doing and grab his mail too, raising his palm as a quick wave while he walks to the end of his driveway.

🏠 “you reminded me to get mine,” he calls with a smile when he reaches his mailbox, and you can’t help but check him out; he’s in a delicious sweet spot between buff and lean, and he’s a good bit taller than you! he’s got pretty blue eyes that most definitely pick up on your ogling, and a rich, low voice that could say all kinds of things to you 🫣 behind him, you see the setup of tools and supplies in his garage, and you immediately know he’s a handy guy- doesn’t hurt that he’s super cute too. it looks like he could help you out in all sorts of ways! <3

🏠 you stand by your mailbox as you introduce yourself, and he leans on his own while he asks you how you’ve been liking the house and the neighborhood, if you’ve had any issues, etc. this man’s gotta collect his intel! it’s the perfect time to offhandedly mention that everything is great except for the fact that the previous owner left all the tile for the backsplash on the kitchen walls but never even started the job :/ keegan’s appalled! how could they leave all that work to you?? :( luckily he’s got mortar and a trowel on hand for times like these, and he’d be happy to take care of it for you- just give him a good time to come over and he’s there!

🏠 a real sweetie, neighbor!keegan is. he’s over a couple of days later, tools in hand, and you immediately like the feeling of him being in your house once he steps inside. he’s quiet while he works, focused and back in his own little world while you answer emails on your laptop in the living room, but he’s grateful when you tell him he’s more than welcome to play his music :’) turns out he has an impeccable playlist, and soon enough you’re humming along with him from your work area! he thinks it’s adorable and just has to remark on it in his own way of teasing. “heh, you don’t look like you’d listen to this kinda stuff.”

🏠 you laugh and look over at him from your desk, admiring how all those muscles in his back and arms flex as he applies the tiles to the walls :’) “what’s that supposed to mean?” you tease back, and you only hear him let out a low chuckle. “i dunno…” is all you get sheepishly in response- you can’t see it, but he’s totally blushing <33

🏠 neighbor!keegan finishes installing the backsplash as you both chat every once in a while, but even the silence is comforting with him around; you could definitely get used to having him in your space! he eventually calls for you to come take a look; he really wants to do a good job for you so he can do more projects around your house…and maybe you too ;) you come into the kitchen, and it of course looks beautiful!! he loves seeing how your face lights up when you admire his craftsmanship :) you’re already reaching in your wallet to give him some cash, but he’s quick to wave it away. you’ve never had a neighbor so giving of their time!! however, when you offer to order dinner from a place of his choice as a thank you, he just can’t deny spending more time with you <3

🏠 once you actually sit down with him, you find out that neighbor!keegan has a super dry sense of humor. he doesn’t need to say much to have you cracking up, and god does he love the sound of your laugh! he asks you about your move, where you came from, the reason you relocated here, etc., because he’s eager to learn any scrap of information there is to know about you. you’ve totally piqued his interest, and he’s pretty sure he’s piqued yours too :)

🏠 he’s normally pretty even-keeled, not one to ever rush things unless it’s an emergency, but you must be giving him some signals during dinner that you really like his presence- and he’s all too aware of you to ignore them! it started off as you two sitting just a liiiiittle bit closer on your couch, but it soon evolves into you straddling his lap while his mouth explores from your lips to your chest- all he can do in between those kisses is murmur about how pretty you are with that low, husky voice of his as his hardworking hands roam and squeeze all over you :’)

🏠 neighbor!keegan ends up leaving that night without things escalating too far, mainly out of consideration so you didn’t feel rushed or pressured, but then he’s at your door a couple of nights later telling you he can’t stop thinking about you :(( a neighbor coming to you in a time of need- it would simply be rude not to help him, right? he did do a beautiful job with the backsplash in your kitchen, not to mention!

🏠 this, plus the clear fact that he’s an unbelievably attractive guy, are enough reason for you to be splayed out on your kitchen counter with your legs over his shoulders, his tongue lapping at your clit like you’re the sweetest thing he’s ever tasted <3 your head rolls back at how good his mouth feels on you, and you get to appreciate his work all over again when you notice the beautiful backsplash behind you :’) he must be that detailed and focused in all areas of his life, because somehow he’s already managed to make you cum all over his mouth and fingers too many times to count!

🏠 if you couldn’t get a good look at his craftsmanship from earlier, now you can when he bends you over the counter and fills you with his thick cock <3 he knows just what to say to have you fluttering around his length and moaning out his name: “take it, princess…”, you feel so good, baby…” “uh huh, so perfect for me…” you know how he likes to keep his hands busy, evident by the way they’re gripping and squeezing your flesh wherever they can as he pounds into you and tells you how good you’re taking him :’)

🏠 neighbor!keegan is your new favorite installation in your kitchen as he fucks you on your counter, making you arch your back for him before he coats your insides with his hot load <33 he’s quick to pick up your shaky, sexed-out body, sweeping you away to your bed before heading to your bathroom to start a bath for you. he learns something: he’d much rather keep busy taking care of you than any of his house or car projects!

🏠 you hear the bath water turn on, and neighbor!keegan is quiet for a moment before you hear him pipe up. he must he checking out your shower, already planning his next opportunity to come over, and you laugh when you hear his dry observation. “hey…think the tile might need to be fixed in here, too.” of course you’d let him start a new project in your home, as many as he wanted to, really- he’s clearly very skilled with his hands, after all ;)

[blurredcolour]

一期一会 | ichi-go, ichi-e | Epilogue

一期一会 | ichi-go, ichi-e Masterlist

Summary: Happily ever after arrives for you and Austin.

Pairing: Austin Butler x Female Reader

Warnings: Fluff, Pregnancy, Christmas Tree Decorating, Vague and Passing Mentions of Labour, Rating - T.

Word Count: 1138

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“Oh, my not-so-little bean…” you murmured softly, absently caressing the swell of your abdomen with one hand. The other reached to hang a decoration on the Christmas tree that had taken over a sizeable corner of the living room in the house you now shared with Austin. “I swear here and now that your birthday will never, ever be overshadowed by the holidays.”

“Absolutely” Austin chimed in from somewhere on the other side of the thicket of branches. “That’s why we’re putting up the tree early this year, because moving forward…little bean’s birthday comes first and then the holidays.”

“Right…exactly…Separate party with no holiday decorations. Separate gifts, no joint weirdness. Special and distinct events.” You shuffled – more of a waddle but you would never admit that – back toward the coffee table to select another ornament, but the siren song of the couch called out to you, and you found yourself sinking back into the plush cushions, heaving a deep sigh of satisfaction as you set your feet up.

To say that two weeks out from your due date was a comfortable time would definitely be an overstatement. You were managing. You had certainly timed the end of your translation contract well, even though you had been able to work from a spare room upstairs that Austin had graciously converted to an office for you.

Your gaze came to rest on the tall, tanned man still diligently working on decorating the tree. You could not help the way your features softened and the swell of fondness beneath your breastbone. The man who had helped you draft your resignation email, flown back with you to Japan to pack up your apartment and end your lease early. The man who had introduced you to his manager Kate to ensure she could help watch out for slander against you in the tabloids and had welcomed you into his family and friend group. The man who had given up the other spare room in his house to make over into a nursery for little bean and had diligently attended every appointment and test and preparatory session with you.

If you had thought you were in love with the man that night in Osaka…you had barely been able to conceive of the depth of the love you felt for him now. A punch-drunk smile etched its way across your face crookedly as the sound of him humming along to the holiday playlist you had curated together reached your ears. The tree was nearly full of ornaments. In your defence, you had assisted with five-sevenths of the tree before the couch had sucked you in, though you had been limited to the central band – unable to bend over or reach up too high.

After fussing with spacing for a few moments, Austin took a step back to assess the tree as a whole before nodding silently. He switched off the rest of the lights in the room and came to join you on the couch. Sliding forward, you made space for him to nestle in behind you as you rested back against his chest, basking in the moment of peace in one another’s arms.

“I told you I have the director’s permission to keep my phone on me, right?” He murmured softly, his long fingers splaying across your belly.

“Mmmhmmm” You murmured softly. “And I have the ride share apps and the neighbour’s phone numbers and everything ready to go.” You tilted your head back to look up at him. “I’m going to be fine, and you’ve only got five days left on this project.” You strained upwards to press your lips against his jawline.

“Hmmm, ok little mama…” He rumbled and kissed the crown of your head. “But you gotta call me the moment it happens…”

You could not help the grin at the nickname – it had appeared around the same time you started showing. Had simply fallen from his lips, giving you both pause before it become a mutually accepted and adored moniker.

“I promise, Austin, I absolutely want you there…You will be my second call after I secure transportation if it happens early.” You nodded firmly. “Odds are? Odds are it won’t, so take a deep breath and focus on winning another Oscar.” You lay your hands over his softly. “I’m just as eager as you are to meet little bean, but they will arrive precisely when they mean to.”

He grinned broadly and nodded before nuzzling into the crook of your shoulder. You had worked with Dr. Sidhu to keep the sex of the baby a surprise – had seen many people get burned by the ambiguities of ultrasounds and locked into decorating and clothing choices…you wanted little bean to tell you upon arrival who they were.

Given your experience with making plans and the universe laughing, perhaps you should not have spoken with such glib confidence. Not two days later you found yourself making that call, the ride share pulling up to the gate as you grabbed your hospital bag and waddled down the driveway.

“Austin?” Despite your best efforts, the adrenaline pitched your voice an octave higher than normal and wound a tightness into your tone that told him immediately that it was time.

“You’re getting in a car?” He asked in a rush, bursting up from his set chair and heading for the parking lot.

“Yes…” You exhaled as you plunked down into the backseat, closing the door, and giving the driver the name of the hospital. “Yes, we are pulling away right now.”

“Ok, are you in a lot of pain?” You could hear his keys jangling as he struggled to unlock his car door.

“It comes and goes, as it is meant to…Deep breaths Austin…I’ll see you there, ok?”

“Ok…yes. Yes, I will see you there.” He affirmed, ending the call with an exchange of ‘I love yous’ before hanging up.

He arrived just as you completed the first circuit of your birthing suite, leaning on your doula. You could not help the giggles as he burst in wearing full makeup and costume.

“Hey little mama, you’re doing great.” He kissed you quickly, smothering your laughter, before he quickly changed and cleaned his face in the attached washroom.

Ten hours of sweat, tears, blood, and effort later, you and Austin were at last introduced to your baby son. There was a list of names to choose from later, but for now, the pair of you were too awed at his ten fingers, ten toes…and impressed at his powerfully squalling lungs. Lain across your chest, you both peered at him in wonderment as a flurry of activity unfurled around you in the room.

“Welcome to the family, little bean.” You whispered softly and bit your lip at the two wide eyes that gazed up at you in response.

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一期一会 | ichi-go, ichi-e Masterlist

[le-trash-prince]

Only Friends (But It’s a Jazz Musical)

Here is the 100% self-indulgent project that I have been working on since the series started! This began when I realized I was adding a lot of jazz songs to my regular OF playlist that didn't flow with the vibe of the other songs, so I separated them and realized how much they really worked on their own. I narrowed this down to a selection of ~40 tracks to just 11 to make it album-sized.

I think, despite the fact that these songs aren't modern at all, they fit the series really well. As musical theatre is wont to be, though, this would be very anachronistic—not tied to a particular place or point in time, and with a range of music genres utilized. It's the type of thing where producers would say "Who cares? It's Broadway!" while critics write scathing reviews on how musical theatre is the lowest form of art.

Mostly it's just meant for fun. 😊 Listen on YT

Tracklist + Scene Breakdown

I’m Gonna Live Till I Die

(YT / lyrics) The opening number. The scene at the bar where we meet the cast. I love the long opening vocal note to this song and can picture each of the four main friends standing under a solo spotlight as the music builds, until the beat drops and the curtain parts and the stage bursts into life. The instrumental break in the middle would be lengthened in order to give Mew a chance to introduce the cast to the audience.

Something’s Gotta Give

(YT / lyrics) This is the scene of Top hitting on Mew during trivia night. The irresistible force (haha) meets an immovable object. The line "something's gotta give, something's gotta give, something's gotta give" would easily be a recurring leitmotif sung by the chorus ensemble in the background of some of TopMew's tense moments and arguments.

You Go to My Head

(YT / lyrics) This is the SandRay theme of the show. Ray starts off singing this to Sand when they're at Ray's house that first time. The direct comparison to alcohol shows that Sand is Ray's new fixation. An instrumental variation of this would play during most of their scenes, with a refrain sung by Sand later in the show ("Still I say to myself, get ahold of yourself")

I Put a Spell on You

(YT / lyrics) Nick sings this while Boston seduces Top—through dance of course. This number is about both Boston coercing Top ("I put a spell on you") and Nick’s possessiveness over Boston ("because you're mine").

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

(YT / lyrics) Mew sings this about Top's betrayal. This was about how blind he was at the beginning, and the song culminates in Mew setting Top's drawing on fire.

I’ll Be Glad When You’re Dead (You Rascal You)

(YT / lyrics) Both of the pool fights are combined in this scene, Mew going after Boston and Ray going after Top. It’s a little physically comical with lots of people chasing each other back and forth across the stage, but Mew and Ray are absolutely out for blood.

If I Didn’t Care

(YT / lyrics) Sand is singing this onstage at club YOLO while all the boys try to process their unresolved feelings for each other. Lots of longing glances and loaded looks across the room.

I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire

(YT / lyrics) This is Boeing's "I'm too hot for you to blame me for the chaos I bring and I'm going to set Top's life on fire" song. I absolutely envision this as a casual tap dance number, and he does the entire thing with his hands in his pockets and a shit-eating grin on his face.

If That Ain't Love

(YT / lyrics) This one is on Sand's shuffle playlist in Ep 12, but I thought it really fit for a Boston solo! And I wasn't gonna not include the only jazz vocal playlist in the series. This is Boston trying to convince Nick that he loves him, even though Boston has no experience with romantic love.

You Always Hurt the One You Love

(YT / lyrics) All of the boys are singing this song. Hurt people hurt people. Top, Ray, and Boston are singing together on one side of the stage, with Mew, Sand, and Nick on the other, with all three pairs meeting in the middle and clasping hands at the end. (circa ep 10/11)

My Way

(YT / lyrics) This is the closing number and a duet between Mew and Boston on their final meeting. For a musical theater adaptation, compared to the original series, there's going to be more of a bang than a whimper at the end of this friendship, with both of them standing proud about who they are, faults and all. People were hurt, crimes were committed, questions remained unanswered, but Only Friends did it in a way no one else has.

I hope y'all can give this a listen because I really enjoyed working on it. Doing a more theme-specific playlist was new for me, since I usually just throw anything and everything into my playlists, so I'd definitely like to try something similar with another fandom in the future. I hope y’all enjoy 😊

[cacaesar]

is it ok if i ask what a-levels you did to study classics at oxford? or what was your academic journey in general thx

Heya!! Of course it is! And thank you for the ask! I'll start with A-Levels and GCSEs (the ones I did, and the grades I got), and then I'll probably yap about how I came to studying classics/Oxford in the first place, and how school was for me (not easy, let's put it that way!) A-Levels: Biology - A Classical Civilisation - A Law - A Extended Project Qualification - A* (My EPQ was on Homosexuality in Ancient Greece and was 12,000 words... I really put everything into it lmao!) GCSEs: English Language - 8 English Literature - 8 Biology - 8 Chemistry - 8 Religious Studies - 8 Maths - 7 Geography - 7 History - 6 (first paper sat the day after a funeral lmao) Fine Art - 6 French - 6 Physics - 6 (we didn't really have a teacher for nearly 2 years...)

So...not the most impressive grades when you compare it to the straight 9's and A*s of people I got my place over! There are a couple of things to contextualise some of the grades - in that we unfortunately lost my grandad in the middle of GCSEs (and so my mum had to be away at hospital a lot, meaning I was cooking and caring for myself for the most part), and then for A-Levels I was in the Covid years (sat them in 2021). Our college decided it was a really good idea to make students sit full A-Level papers at the end of the year and have our entire grade depend on those, despite not having provided online lessons for a large part of the 10 or so months we were out of education; even when we were "back", the amount of absence through isolation etc was insane. Making us sit full papers when other colleges took grades over the whole year was, imo, deeply unfair...but anyway. I also unfortunately lost my nan and nearly lost my mum to Covid during the run up to those papers... all while working 20 hour minimum weeks - so it was more than a little stressful! On top. of that, I'm also AuDHD (Autistic and ADHD), but was undiagnosed until Uni... which meant I was flailing about desperately trying to succeed in a system very much not built for a brain like mine! The relief that came when Oxford finally gave me an answer to what was going on with me was immeasurable! But how and why did I get my spot in the first place? I've been obsessed with ancient cultures and history/mythology since I was tiny, and that basically just became a bigger and bigger obsession. My honest answer is that I got my place through a hell of a lot of hard work, a touch of luck, and blind unashamed confidence. If you sit in the interview thinking that you're supposed to be there, that these tutors will be the ones teaching you, and you're wanting to learn from them, there is not much you can do wrong! I did a LOT of research into my specific college - I wanted to study Homer's epics, so I chose the college with my favourite Homer and Hexameter Poetry specialist! And what would you know, genuinely loving that subject and yapping his ear off about my (informed and evidenced) opinions of Achilles and his characterisation (why he's actually a deeply sympathetic character, especially through the ancient lens, how he's the prime example of war trauma on a young person, etc) is what got me in!

I think I'll probably do a full post on education history at some point - and a series on applying to Oxford - but if you have any more questions, lmk! There should be a video on my TikTok covering some of the Oxford basics, though it might be quite the scroll down now! (gotta hit that 10k over there to make you guys playlists of the vids!) For now I'm on the way to london for a girlies getaway trip!

[irondad-defensesquad]

I saw your eyes (and it made me cry)

(Also on AO3!)

As of late, Peter notices that Tony has been changing the playlist in the workshop. Instead of the usual Black Sabbath or AC/DC, Ramones and 80s songs start coming from the speakers. It almost feels like it’s Tony’s way of saying that this workshop isn’t just his. It’s also Peter’s. Even though the latter rejected living here full-time, Tony insists that the Compound is still his home.

So, Peter is fixing his suit on his own while Tony focuses on his projects. DUM-E helps the teenager by grabbing the tools he needs. Peter really likes the bot, and he can tell Tony does, too, even if he doesn’t want to admit it.

The workshop is peaceful and alive, and he doesn’t feel alone.

Then, a rather familiar song begins.

Peter doesn’t give it much attention, focusing on the Spider-Man suit.

Until…

I saw your eyes

And you made me smile

And for a little while

I was falling in love

Rather and red and blue, he sees… pink.

A beautiful girl dancing in an equally beautiful pink dress, ready to have the night of her life. Only for Peter to take away her smile.

I’ve gotta go.

I-I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this.

He made her cry.

I saw your eyes (I saw your eyes, I saw your eyes)

And you made me cry (Made me cry, made me cry)

And for a little while (Little while, little while)

I was falling in love

…

“OW!”

“Peter?” Tony calls from somewhere, immediately rushing to him. “Are you okay?”

As it turns out, Peter just got shocked. Literally. The boy sees that his finger is just slightly red. Nothing too serious. Even if Tony stares at it with panic.

“I-It’s fine, Mr. Stark. It doesn’t hurt that much,” Peter dismisses. “It’ll heal soon.”

Tony doesn’t look convinced, but he doesn’t really fight him on it, the more he analyzes Peter’s finger.

The man sighs, “Just be more careful, alright?”

“Yeah.” Peter bites his lip. “C-Could you- change the song, please?”

Obviously, he can’t hide his nervousness, like the pathetic kid he is. You’re terrible at keeping secrets, the same ghost in the pink dress reminds him.

His mentor, once again, doesn’t question it.

“FRI, skip song,” Tony says to the ceiling.

Soon enough, the romantic song is replaced by Ramones, which usually cheers him up, but Peter just can’t take the crying, heartbroken girl off his head.

“You wanna take a break?” Tony suggests, putting a hand on Peter’s back.

The teen wishes he could go back to the suit, to this little safe place. Yet he knows the man can read him like an open book, and Peter would probably not be able to focus again.

Gulping, yet relaxing at Tony’s gentle touch, Peter nods in silence. He leaves his tools on the counter, along with the suit, and lets Tony guide him outside of the workshop, until he’s sitting on a couch. Tony seems to briefly leave him alone to grab something at the kitchen, which is confirmed by the glass of water in front of Peter. He gladly takes it with his non-burning hand.

The billionaire stands on his feet with arms crossed, watching him attentively. It’s kind of unnerving, but Peter doesn’t blame him for feeling concerned.

“You look like you got your heart broken,” Tony observes.

Peter shakes his head.

“... it’s the other way around, actually.”

Tony waits, ready to listen. Peter is unsure if he should talk about this particular topic with his hero. He hasn’t even commented on it with Ned after everything was solved.

The fifteen-year-old takes a deep breath, staring at the water.

“There was… this girl, Liz,” Peter begins. “I really liked her. But I hurt her.”

From the corner of his eye, he can tell Tony’s frown softens.

“I kept… disappearing on her because of Spider-Man.” Peter doesn’t want to go too deep in detail here because this is from when he was lying to Tony and doing things behind his back, and the last thing he wants is to make Tony hate him, too. “But she never really got mad at me. She was really nice and patient… I think she liked me, too. When I invited her to Homecoming, she said yes.”

You’re the smartest guy I know.

She was so wrong.

“I didn’t want to leave Liz again. I wanted to spend more time with her,” Peter continues. “But…”

Liz is staring at him, dumbfounded. Betrayed.

“Her dad…” Peter could very well crack the glass in his hand. “He was the Vulture this whole time.”

The silence suddenly becomes heavy, and when he realizes, someone is joining him on the couch, wide dark eyes staring at him.

“I had to leave, or else he would steal the plane. I didn’t have a choice,” Peter says as if he’s being threatened with a gun again. Yet Tony would be the last person to do that to him. “And when I saw Liz again, she was moving away. I was never going to see her again.”

He feels like crying. He’s had nightmares about the Vulture, about the building falling on him. But right now, neither of these things are as haunting as breaking Liz’s heart.

“I… I ruined her life,” Peter admits. “I didn’t mean to, but I did. Now she’s far away from her friends, and her dad is in jail because of me.” He dries his nose with his sleeve. “I remember wanting to tell her I was Spider-Man, but now I just wonder… would she hate me if she knew who I was?”

Peter puts the glass on the center table before he breaks it.

Tony seems to process all the information he received, as he doesn’t say anything for a while. Peter has to hide his eyes before they release any real tears. He wouldn’t want to make a fool of himself in front of his mentor.

Noticing that, Tony is sitting closer to him, rubbing Peter’s back again.

“Kid,” the former says, “I can’t answer for Liz, obviously. I don’t know what her reaction would be. But hear me out, you did the right thing.”

Peter knows he did. But he also kind of hates himself for it, too. He hates that he made Liz cry.

“I wanted to do right by her, but I can’t,” he sniffs. “She’s gone and it’s my fault.”

“Pete, look at me.”

He doesn’t want to be seen like this.

“Look at me,” Tony repeats, quieter.

Peter does as he’s told, facing the least judgmental person in the world. A person whose face is burdened by long-term guilt and self-hatred, and loneliness.

“That Vulture guy is the one to blame. He ruined his daughter’s life. Not you,” Tony tells him. “You saved her, you saved so many people. I know you couldn’t save your relationship with her, and I know it sucks that you couldn’t have fun with her at Homecoming. But again, that is her father’s fault, not yours. You did the best you could.”

Peter listens all the way, in the meantime remembering his first conversation with his hero. Tony looked so tired, and he still does now. But Peter can see the acceptance slowly growing in his eyes. He can see Tony’s willingness to reach out to someone. Thus, he’s also telling Peter that it’s okay to be vulnerable around others. That it’s okay to be vulnerable around Tony.

Peter’s energies have been drained out, as he can’t help but lie against Tony. He expects the latter to deflect or tense at the approach… but if anything, he appears to relax.

“... I just miss her,” Peter whispers.

Not a single soul knows about this.

Everyone thinks Peter has moved on from Liz. He’s happy with Ned and MJ. He’s happy with Tony. He knows he’s not alone. But nothing is the same without Liz. Peter even imagines how things would be if she were still around. Maybe happy things would happen. But that’s not how life works, right?

Likely sensing those thoughts, Tony wraps his arms around Peter, hugging him close. Accepting all of his mistakes, regrets, secrets. He doesn’t say any of that, but he doesn’t have to.

Peter doesn’t return the hug, just buries himself in Tony’s chest, crying silently, not wanting to be seen. Other than that, everything is quiet. No music is playing. Peter’s sniffs are muffled and barely audible, and only he can hear Tony’s solid heartbeats. A heart that holds so much love for people, Peter included.

The teen is able to breathe again.

He’s able to close his eyes and face Liz crying. This time, he doesn’t avoid her.

He… hugs her, too.

He tells her he’s sorry, again. But this time with a lot more meaning behind it.

Then Liz lets go and walks away.

Peter doesn’t know what she feels.

The song fades away with her.

He cries harder.

It hurts so much.

…

And that’s okay.

It’s okay to miss her.

It’s okay.

Peter stays in Tony’s arms for a long, long time.

He pulls away once he’s ready to face the real world – Liz’s absence – again. Tony is smoothing his brown curls, not minding the fact Peter probably looks like a crying mess right now.

“You don’t have her number, do you?” Tony wonders.

Peter shakes his head. “Well, I used to, but I think she changed it after moving.”

Tony hums. “I could get it for you.”

Peter snorts. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Hmm, yeah, you’re probably right.”

The boy’s small expression of joy fades, succumbing to exhaustion.

“What do you want to do now?” Tony asks him. “Maybe we could… watch a movie or order something to eat? Something you really like?”

Peter considers it, but… he’s simply not up to it.

“Thanks, Mr. Stark… but I think I’m going to my room.”

“Oh, okay.”

He stands up and goes to his bedroom, Tony following him. Peter removes his shoes, then lies down, noticing that his mentor hasn’t left yet. He doesn’t seem to want to leave Peter alone. It’s kind of cute.

“You’re gonna be okay on your own?” Tony wonders.

“Yeah. I think I just need a nap.”

The man nods and enters the room, kneeling down to Peter’s level. He makes sure to properly tuck him in, then he caresses the boy’s cheek with his thumb. Tony’s hand is calloused but careful. So much warmth within it.

“Just call me if you need me, okay?” Tony insists. “Or just let F.R.I.D.A.Y know.”

“Yeah, okay.” Peter smiles, “Thanks, Mr. Stark.”

“Of course, kiddo.”

Tony leaves the same glass of water by the bedside table before he walks away. Once he closes the door, Peter sighs. The pain is still clearly inside him, and he can’t make things right. At the same time, he’s glad he got to show it to someone else and be reassured that it’s okay to feel it. He doesn’t feel as haunted by this guilt as before.

He lets his bed claim him, drifting away to a peaceful sleep.

[neblina-magico]

Chapter 2

Sleeping In The Sun

You were desperate for a job so you applied to be the daycare Attendants handler! you have no clue what you're signing yourself into but at least you don't have to pay rent now!

Moon hates you, Sun doesn't know how to feel about you and you're just trying to survive.

——————————————————————————

Grabbing my car key and grabbing the security card. Picking up my duffle bag and suitcase I’m now ready to start my job, kind of. I still gotta settle in and all that shit but from the schedule i got sent, today i'll be getting a quick little introduction while being led to the living space. After that I was told that I'm free to walk around and get familiar with the pizza plex. I'll probably explore the daycare though since I'll be working there.

I shuffle my playlist and start driving, seeing the quietness of the outskirts to the slight louder and busier environment of downtown. Then finally i see it, my one true love, my everything, my light, its the fucking pizzaplex. I find a parking spot in some sort of dark edge of the parking lot where its next to the building and covered by some branches and overall seems like a dark corner where you think you'll find a dead rat. Luckily i didn't find a dead rat, if i did i would be crying on the floor with a dead rat in front of me. I dont like seeing bead animals they make me so fucking sad that ill puke. Speaking of piukeing why are the doors to the pizzaplex so fucking big, its gigantic, a whole elephant can fit throught these doors.

Walking past the humungus doors I'm greeted by the eye sore of colours the place has to offer. Ever wanted to remind yourself of all the colours possible, well this place is the place for you. Looking around I see a little robot thing making its way over to me, it's got a cute little pink bow and everything.

“Hello, I'll be your escort and guide for today!”

Cute, like really cute. This robot had the voice of a cheerful and bubbly person, its pretty comforting not gonna lie. I smile and wave at the little robot.

“My name is Daisy! I'm an accessibility assistant, I'm assigned for audio descriptive tours when a kid needs them, but today I'll be guiding you to your new home! Just follow me over to the right of the escalators!”

I follow behind Daisy, she holds a resemblance to the staff bots that lurk around but her cute little pink bow helps differ her from the others. A simple design for an important job, beautiful. Daisy leads me to an area right from the escalators. It's pretty reserved and hidden and very much in the dark.

“This area is pretty secluded? It also feel very omunis.'' I say walking up to a red door that has some sort of weird looking lock on it. It doesn't have any way of putting in a code or even a keyhole, all it has is a small screen and a handle. That's it, a screen, and a silver handle.

“This is your living space! You just have to use your security card to enter inside! I was told that you'll have to go through another door to officially enter your new home and lucky you, you're the only person who has access to it. Meaning i can't go in with you and show you around your home but i'm sure you're smart enough to do that yourself. Well before i leave i'll tell you something that i have been instructed to inform you about, inside your living corders there is an elevator, that elevator will allow you access to the daycare and to the lower grounds, specifically the area near Parts and Services. Welcome back to Fazbear Entertainment and have a faztastic day!”

And off she goes, wheeling her way away. I just looked at her moving away and once she was out of sight she was out of mind. Turning back to facing that eye straining red door, why the fuck is it so bright, i wonder if i could repaint it at somepoint. Maybe to a grey or some sort of green, kind of like that go-away green in disney parks.

Crazy. I put my suitcase and duffle bag down and reached into my back pocket pulling out my security card. I tried swiping my card on the top of the screen, but that doesn’t work. Next I try slapping the card on the screen, that shit doesn’t work. Maybe if I pretend to use the force the stupid door will open. How the fuck do I open this door, why the fuck does there have to be many ways to open the door. Tough love won’t work so maybe some soft love will work.

Tapping the security card on the screen, the door automatically opens. It was an easy and a solution I probably should have figured out with the power of common sense but me being me was too stubborn and dumb to use my brain power and properly open the door. I pick up my duffel bag and grab my suitcase dragging it along with me as I enter the small room. The door closes behind me and I’m greeted by a dark red room with a single ceiling light that was enough to light up the whole room.

There is a long brown couch, it’s a little soft to the touch and on one side there’s a bright blue crescent moon pillow and on the other side sits a bright yellow sun pillow. Right away the centre is a light grey star pillow that honestly looks really huggable at this very moment. Looking around some more I notice a counter top that has a black mini fridge and multiple baskets filled with all sorts of snacks and a coffee maker. There was also a sort of gift basket that has my name on it, looking inside I see that it has a bottle of blueberry wine? That’s something interesting, I mean I’m sure it’ll taste hella good but I’ve never seen blueberry wine, also who the hell even made this thing now that I think about it. When did they have the time to even build all this? Who put those chocolate oranges inside the basket?

I sigh, like obnoxiously sighed, all these questions will probably never get answered no matter how much I wish it all would. On the note with my name on it it says “Welcome back to Fazbear Entertainment!” Peachy. I look at the other eye bleeding red door.

“I guess this is the entrance into my living place. Through the red fucking door i go, maybe ill end up in fucking narnia or some shit”

I let go of my suitcase to open the door, I switched the duffle bag to my right hand and reached for the suitcase before letting the door close behind me. I settle my stuff next to the coat hanger that's conveniently placed right next to the door. Slipping my shoes off and I look around the place. It's much larger than my old apartment, the left side was a living room, pretty plain and empty aside from another couch, a brown coffee table, a TV on of course a tv stand, and two huge ass bookshelves. Fucking perfect, now i got two big ass bookshelves to fit all my books in.

To my left is the ketchen, it's fully furnished which is pretty great. From the first look I notice how the whole place is quite literally sun, moon, and stars theme. It’s pretty neat not gonna lie, I love space and all that shit. Next to the kitchen is a door to what I’ll assume is the office since the door is labeled as “Office”. I pick up my stuff and walk into what I assume is my room, it’s hella big. The bed in here is HUGE. It's a big round circular bed, like who did they expect to sleep on that thing, three huge ass people? Again everything is celestial themed, the whole bed, the rug that’s on the floor, the night stand, the lamp, and the closet. There’s also all my moving boxes in here along with more big bookshelves and a really nice looking vanity.

I notice another door and all I’m going to assume is that the door leads to the bathroom, but I’m too tired to keep exploring instead I want to leave this place and explore the daycare! Dropping my duffel bag on my bed and leaving my suitcase in the room I leave. Noticing the elevator between the bedroom and the office and ran to get my shoes and put them on and run back to the elevator.

“Time to get familiar with Superstar Daycare.”

I whisper to myself before entering the elevator.

——————————————————————————

Last chapter, Chapter 3 will be out in 2-3 weeks. I’ll post some concept drawing for the Daycare Attendant Uniform!!

[sibillascribbles08]

Spent today starting to convert my Spotify library to Bandcamp/iTunes and a free media player app on my phone. It's an overdue change, though I'm struggling a bit with like, am I going to listen to this song enough? But whatever. I also downloaded my SPG CDs to my computer and got what I wanted onto my phone.

And I watched Nimona on YouTube. It was pretty much exactly what I expected, which isn't to say it's bad. Maybe I would've been surprised by more of it if it hadn't been so all over the place on Tumblr. I will say that in being exactly what I expected, I enjoyed it more than like, that latest Puss in Boots movie everyone was raving about.

Also I'm on the very last piece of work for my askblog. I'm not sold on the quality of the writing in it, I think it could be better, but I got a few more days before my promised deadline. At the same time, I'm piecing together a List of Goals for FBS, split into things I want to accomplish and things I want to consciously avoid. Gosh, and I still gotta write the writblr intro. I guess I gotta go look at a couple blogs to get the idea of what that should look like.

whoaaaa that's so much ! Haha I loved Nimona and Puss in Boots, though Nimona more for sure.

And yaaaay on transferring music! Idk what player app you got I use foobar though it's very simple it does it's job haha. I think my only gripe is with foobar I can't make a playlist of all the newest songs I added (like it just has the last 30 songs I added) cause I love to loop new songs

I'm so so so excited to see FBS, and goshhhh closing the ask blog too that's crazy. I'm so proud of you for working on it as long as you have like that's wild to me. I pray I stay that commited to some of my projects oof

[bronanlynch]

once again I've watched more anime than done anything else this week but I promise I also have other stuff to talk abt

listening (podcast):

Great Gundam Project: almost done with their 0079 episodes and it's so funny to hear how confused and surprised they are that Newtypes don't get mentioned until the last 10 episodes. also, once again, hearing them talk about Char reminds me that I miss seeing Char on my television screen :/

Palisade: once again it was crazy good this week. shout out to fucked up dream sequences/visions of alternate futures, gotta genuinely be one of my favorite storytelling devices

listening (music): MakeDamnSure by Taking Back Sunday, which is going on my Partizan/Palisade playlist for Balence reasons

reading:

Imperial Uncle: got to more fun reveals that make the main relationship a lot tastier and more fun. still having a good time with this one

The Death I Gave Him: part of the appeal of this book for me (other than that I love Hamlet & Hamlet retellings) is the romance with the sentient lab AI. this should shock absolutely no one (at least no one who knows me as the Sokrates/Integrity guy lol) but I'm real into stuff that explores like, how intimacy works when you don't each have your own separate bodies

A Power Unbound: also started & finished something I've been looking forward to, A Power Unbound by Freya Marske, the third book in a romance/historical fantasy trilogy (different main characters for each) set mostly in Edwardian England. I've enjoyed the other books in the series, and I enjoyed this one too (though I think I prefer the other two for reasons that probably don't have to do with the actual quality of this book and have more to do with what I like & don't like in a main relationship, and actually it's a testament to how strong the writing was that the relationship worked for me anyway, because it did feel earned in terms of both characterization & themes, even though it's the sort of relationship dynamic that I tend to be hesitant about because I often see it done very badly in fanfic in ways that do a disservice to the personalities of both characters involved). anyway. my actual review is that I love fucked up magic houses and there are several of those in this book so shout out to that, and one of the main characters is extremely my type (short, angry, hates the aristocracy, etc)

watching:

I'm in Love with the Villainess: we're caught up now, and I do love class conflict even if I'm sure it's going to be incredibly simplistic and silly because that's the show this is (which I am fine with, to be clear, this is a romance anime based on lovingly parodying otome games, I am treating it with the same kind of seriousness that I would treat something like Scum Villain)

Bakeoff: I'm glad that this year they seem to be better about not putting way too much weight on the showstopper and sometimes deciding star baker based on other challenges like. finally some respect for people who do really well in the signature!!

Legend of the Galactic Heroes: I mean. I've been posting through it about this one so I don't think I have any new insights here just. man. I love it when a major character death is done really well. what a show (positive)

Gundam Seed: you may, at this point, be asking why Seed is our next Gundam after finishing ZZ, especially when every week I talk about pining for Char. the answer is because my roommate watched some of it a while ago and wanted to revisit it, and also because we're saving Char's Counterattack for when we get really desperate for Gundam that isn't Seed. anyway. Seed is fun so far!

the above description of Gundam Seed was written a few days ago when we first started but before we got to the info dump about what's up with Coordinators & Naturals so I'm editing this to say: oof. it really is like what if someone took all of the parts of the original Newtype stuff that I was most skeptical about, took out all of the metaphorical stuff from Zeta that redeemed the concept for me, and then explicitly added literal eugenics. don't like that!

the other thing about Seed is the misogyny which like. god. at least the misogyny in Zeta felt more interesting to think about. at least it felt like Tomino was saying things about gender even if I didn't always like it. this is just peak early 2000s misogyny where everyone including the writers hates women so much that every man comes across as incredibly gay because their relationships with other men are treated so much more seriously

at this point you might be asking what I actually like about this show since I've been complaining for several paragraphs and the answer is I love it when childhood friends end up on the opposite sides of a war. also, a lot of Seed feels like it's trying very hard to Be A Gundam Show (for better or worse tbh, I can feel myself being marketed to, I can practically hear Bandai being like, hey remember how cool it is when a blue-and-white mobile suit fights a pinkish-red mobile suit, don't you want to buy some models), and I am not immune to classic Gundam shit like "oops these kids are involved in a war now because the military was developing a top-secret superweapon right next to where they live" and "your lives are at risk and/or you might get arrested for trying to protect your friends because the higher-ups are incompetent/selfish/do not care about you." I am also not immune to squads of edgy anime boys, or giant robots that each have their own special weapon/power, or whatever the fuck Le Creuset's got going on. I love him. I still miss Char and he's not quite filling that void but I do love him

playing:

another session of my Blades in the Dark campaign, based on the image below (from here). the crew was asked to get the sea serpent to go away and leave ships alone, and absolutely no one was surprised that the secret actual mission was to protect the sea serpent (a baby one) from the coast guard who were going to try to make it leave but more violently because we're playing Blades like it's a game about befriending creatures (see also: Missy is currently trying to resocialize a former fighting goat and Xiao Yun collects extremely fucked up birds)

Ace Attorney 5: not very far into the trial but man. sorry for falling for the trilogy nostalgia but I love to have Edgeworth as a prosecutor, I love the energy that he and Phoenix have, I'm such a sucker for defense attorney & prosecutor working together to find the truth and also they're in love

making: vaguely spanakopita-inspired stuffed pastry wreath. we made it once before and put too much extra vegetable in that released too much water while it was baking so the dough just straight up did not cook. we did it better this time! the dough is actually baked! (it's store-bought crescent rolls, we did not make the dough). anyway. there's spinach and mushroom and herbed goat cheese in there, and it's tasty

drinking: the grocery store had peppermint bark creme liqueur, and it's pretty good in hot chocolate

writing: continued to pick away at a zine fic, figured out what I want to write for my Nirvana in Fire exchange fic, and also did a little bit more on the Integrity fic that I've been working on. it has been a minute since I've written an action scene huh

The Principality knows how to contain divines, to leash them, to defang them and bend their powers to its will. And Integrity is an old divine, and never among the most awe-inspiring. Integrity is a small, quiet thing, precise and intimate and not suited for flashy displays of power like many of its fellows. But it is a divine nonetheless, and when it fights, it brings death. Orbit-and-Integrity steps into the corridor where the Princept fled. Orbit bares their remaining teeth, blood pooling in their mouth and seeping through the seams that begin to open in Integrity’s armor where it no longer has the focus to keep them closed.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Coffee obtained (by a long suffering wifey who took pity on me) and consumed (by me and my greedy sugar and caffeine craving hands)

Delightfully (or perhaps wretchedly) this now means that I am ready to confront the radiating doom.

Time to brace myself and prepare.

For those who don't know why I call the Doom bins, it's because they are containers of Things TM that were once useful as useable storage but eventually hit some indiscernible critical mass where they began to radiate a sense of impending Doom every time I look at them.

Once this starts, the container serves only to accumulate more things, but rarely or never to have items taken or used from within it, because the sense of foreboding I get whenever I am confronted by it is so upsetting that I am apparently unable to do this either for daily use or tidying purposes.

The longer this goes on (and the more items are added to the Doom Bin) the larger a sense of Doom it radiates until at some point merely being in the same room with it causes me severe anxiety, constantly draws my eye, attention, and focus, creates endless spirals of guilt and shame that can take hours to break out of, and eventually after weeks or months of stewing, I finally break. I go on a cleaning rampage, scrub everything in my vicinity spotless EXCEPT THE DOOM BIN, collapse in an exhausted heap unable to clean for at least another week, and continue avoiding the Doom Bin for literally YEARS.

It is a source of deep seated pain, anxiety, shame, guilt, fear, and stress within me, and I truly wish I knew how to break the cycle.

This doom bin has been 2.5 years, 8 traumatic relocations, and several severe mental health crises in the making. I am not looking forward to literally unpacking it.

So. As an autistic therapist with CPTSD and OCD, what am I going to do to help myself confront this traumatic cleaning project from a place of rootedness? I know myself pretty well by now so I've developed a bit of a routine for emotionally intense things like this when needed. It is personalized to me, not general advice, but maybe it gives you some ideas of how to put together your own routine!

Step 0: I would never try to do this on an unmedicated/undermedicated day or on a day when I was too overwhelmed already. I want to give myself the best chance for success.

Step 1! Find noise-canceling headphones. Confirm they have enough battery power (70%), turn on, put on, and begin a stim song on a loop or a stim playlist if I have one. Today's stim is Lasciami Stare by Måneskin. This helps me get started moving and keep me regulated during the task as well as setting a defined time block around the activity of "things that happened when the music was playing" which helps me keep them from spilling over.

Step 2: Heartmath (love it it for me cuz I struggle to regulate my heartrate and autonomic system more generally. It's not quite emdr, but I get the sense that they pair well and if you're an emdr candidate you're a heartmath candidate and vice versa, though definitely don't go around quoting me on that because I am not a provider of either therapy). This is a form of breath and heart rate control combined with mindful visualisations to regulate the sympathetic nervous system and de-escalate it from fight or flight when necessary to my understanding (again don't quote me). I spend 5 min on my heartmath exercises which is about twice as long as I usually would for a maintenance round but half as long as I would to fully anchor myself back in reality, because a little distance and externalization here isn't a bad thing for me personally.

Step 3: text wifey. She worries when I don't respond, and since I'll be in headphones I won't hear anything. Gotta make sure she knows why. Also creates an external expectation on someone else's part that I will be starting soon, which creates the impetus along with my stim music (which has me boogie-ing by now) to get up and start working.

Step 4: write down a list of supplies I will need to use during my project. This is part of why I write my accountability posts here. It means I have already thought through my projects in detail and step by step which helps me complete this step where previously I'd have not been able to. I'll need all the hampers we have, a couple of trash bags, the broom, a washcloth and multipurpose cleaner, my headphones and phone.

Step 5: take 3 deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth and on the last exhale, get up and collect my items so I can get started after. Usually, once I'm moving it goes from there as long as I don't sit back down.

So now that I've shared this big snarly self-help-esque post with you, it's time for me to go confront my Doom Bin. May this (legally not therapeutic advice just me talking about my journey as I'm dealing with my personal experience of this phenomenon in case it resonates for yall to hear it) be meaningful to you in some way 🤝

[yuukei-yikes]

any thoughts on remind blue?

currently, it is my favorite kagepro song (this changes like every week but i digress...) and i really want to make a pv for it but i lowkey have no idea where to start

your analysis/ramblings on things is really interesting to read and see, so also just wanted to let you know that i love all the content you post!! :D

I LOV remind blue. like every kagepro song makes me want to rip my face off ♥️♥️♥️ but this one is one of those that make me feel so strongly that i cant listen to it ♥️♥️♥️ cuz i do that btw. i cannot listen to kagepro songs without preparing myself emotionally and it has to be when i am alone in my room. i could never listen to them in public. that'd be weird. im drawing and suddenly a kagepro song comes on in my playlist and im like this is so fucked up who put this here (<- i did)

songs like summertime record, lost day hour, remind blue and ayanos theory of happiness specifically i basically never listen to because it causes something in me both mentally and physically. im normal though.

TOTALLY support the idea to make a pv!!! i wouldn't know how to start either tbh💔 who would u make it be sung by?? like the song is so good but for the lyrics im like meh like str is already a thing. idk it sorta has the same vibe. its like summertime record and lost day hour's lyrics had a little baby together. which is why i always liked to interpret it as a haruka song but fuck it ig its shintaro's.

i also liked the idea of it being seto's or hibiya's. i think they'd deserve a song like this, especially hibiya!! tho for hibiya the whole "adult" thing is different LOL and even seto, he's just 17... ive always loved haruka being the punchbag for the "im an adult wtf" feeling because he goes from living his whole life thinking he will die and then he doesn't. or well he DOES die but then comes back, and suddenly he finds himself with his whole life ahead. like haruka and his early 20s crisis abt i did NOT think id be alive this long and now i gotta deal with everything those feelings bring me but at the same time i have to pay rent and worry abt what to make for dinner soooo erm fine ig. that's also what i think lost day hour is about, i know jin describes it more like a song abt old friends but girl idk it rly only has a couple lines abt that as opposed to all the rest of the song... erm. what was i talking about again.

i just think it was rly funny how we were all like ok remind blue uses "boku" so it's seto kano hibiya or haruka (or konoha). and then jin was like hehe. shintaro♥️ SHINTARO DOESNT EVEN USE BOKU whatever im pretty sure he also said it can fit anyone and its more a general mekakushi dan song. but tbh so is summertime record sooooo. sorry im sidetracking a lot

i dont particularly care for remind blue so much (LIKE THE SONG SLAPS im still talking about lyrics) bc it's very heavy on the shit abt like growing distant and stuff sortof??? like kagepros ending/str is implied to have the mekadan not grow apart but kinda do their own thing while still meeting to hang out, bc kagepro is also about growing up and with growing up comes maybe growing distant from these friends you love, but they will always be important and one of a kind in ur life and when u meet its like time hasnt rly passed between you. not to mention the whole thing about combining eyes and how all the snakes will always end up gathering by the queen no matter what, meaning the dan will always be bound to make their ways back to each other no matter what, and are connected to one another by the literal narrative that theyre all actually sort of aware of a little bit (they always refer to their tragedy as a "story"..kagepro is a little meta lol). and like that's all so beautiful but also fuck it. they all meet for pizza nights every week. erm. the passage of time am i right

ALSO TY FOR READING MY POSTS:///3 I LOVE KAGEROU PROJECT A NORMAL AMOUNT AND IM A NORMAL PERSON

[zannolin]

18, 20, 23

18. how do what you look for in your own writing vs someone else’s coincide? how does your writing influence your reading?

good grammar. GOOD GRAMMAR. good fucking grammar. please god let the grammar be good. if i see passive voice used unnecessarily i will just start killing. anyone who has had to listen to me talk about writing knows this. outside of that. i don't really know what i'm "looking for" in my writing i think i'm just writing to expel the demons from the washing machine rinse cycle of my brain. when i read, i want to be able to tell that the author cared, and not just cared about the story they were telling, but cared enough to tell it well. cared enough to know what to leave it and what to take out. you know the t kira madden tweet.

i think i tend to gravitate towards more highly specific stories because of my writing (ann patchett books, for example, or niche aus in the realm of fanfic) but i dunno i'm willing to read a lot. i can tell you how my reading influences my writing but i've never considered the other way around.

20. where do you begin a WIP? ex: a mood, a scene, a certain character dynamic, etc. does this differ per project?

it varies. usually i will be watching/reading/etc something else and go hey this vibe fits x character and it can spiral from there. this is how the gospel tent au was born (i watched an episode of x files and the plot spun itself out pretty wild from there). generally i see the parts that work and figure out how to thread them together differently to fit what story i want to tell. for non-specific aus or canon universe writing it's usually i happen to have a lot of scene ideas build up and i put them all together like a jigsaw puzzle. sometimes i'll want to fill the missing pieces (this is what my mithan fic is a combination of: gap in canon and a ton of scene ideas). sometimes it's purely an aesthetic or motif or character dynamic that niggles at me til i write something. the leon and claire fic i posted today was purely me feeling unhinged over their dynamic in infinite darkness and wanting to explore it. i dunno i'm a jack of all trades. my brain will just start monologuing and i have to write it down or forget it immediately.

23. what do you do to engage with your projects which isn’t actually writing? ex: playlists, pinterest boards, etc. how much do they play a role in the development of your work?

i USED to do playlists for my fics (and just in general) but i don't tend to do that much anymore. i do sometimes make playlists specifically for brainrot though i use my ipod more than spotify so i don't really know Why. there's one for cat's cradle which, huge L. there's one for the ABBA au. there's a l'manberg one lurking somewhere but i think i made that one secret or something. there's a winters family playlist i occasionally yeet stuff on and i also have a playlist of songs i want my writing to feel like which is incredibly self indulgent but fun. the playlists don't really do much they're just for fun and good for stealing lyrics for chapter titles.

i do pinterest boards for a lot of aus as well which is a good way to scroll around until i get inspiration and/or to find things i was keeping on hand for epigraphs. i also doodle stuff for my writing sometimes bc well somebody's gotta make me fanart and it looks like it's gonna have to be me. drawing is good for conceptualizing designs if i need them like for the final girl au but mostly everything is just for fun and can be used as a successful procrastination method to avoid Actually writing.

ask game.

[madamechrissy]

Dirty Little Secret

ꕥ Pairings: Toji Fushiguro x Fem Reader

ꕥ Warnings-MDNI-explicit sexual content, dirty talk, Toji calls reader 'doll, ma, slut (Toji and Doll just work lol) Age gap- reader is 21, Toji is 39. - This chapter-Slapping, Blow jobs, rough oral sex, mentions of fluids, swallowing, cunnilingus

ꕥ Word Count- 4,514

ꕥ Summary- Toji Fushiguro is your dad Shiu's best friend for years. You've known him most your life. You come home for spring break to relax, and who pops up at the fucking doorstep? Toji. He's nasty, annoying, perverted and... Sexy. Hot. Built. And makes you think, maybe your first time shouldn't be with some college boy? But with this buff dude who can tie a cherry stem with his tongue and a scar on his damn lip. You just gotta hope your dad doesn't find out.

Chapter 1 - Playlist - Masterlist

Chapter 2

The next day comes, and you can’t get Toji’s smug face out of your head. The way he talked to you, the way he used you, it’s all you can think about. You’re a mess, avoiding him as best you can, because every time you look at his stupidly attractive face, you feel wetness between your thighs.

And the worst part is, you swear he knows.

You’re in the kitchen, washing dishes as your dad walks in, coming to give you a kiss on the cheek. You smile at him.

“Make me lunch kiddo? I gotta run to work for a few hours.” You freeze at that, as Toji isn’t far behind, grinning at you as he descends the stairs.

“Aw, working!?” You pout, and Shiu sighs.

“Just for a few! I tried to take the entire week off.”

“Fine. What ya want?”

“Anything please, I never hardly have you here to spoil me.” You smile, then bend down to grab things out of the fridge. You gasp when you stand back up, and feel Toji’s presence, you look back and see his green eyes were on your ass. You glare.

“Gonna make me some too, doll?” Toji asks, and you snort.

“Nope, only dad.” You stick your tongue out, and your dad laughs, as Toji sticks his tongue back at you.

“She’s so mean, Shiu.”

“She gets that from me.” You start making a stir fry real quick, gathering veggies and leftover rice, then popping in some of the chicken from yesterday, then you make Shiu and dumbass Toji plates.

“Thanks, doll.” Toji comes to ruffle your hair as you hand him his, and you smirk up at him.

“Only cause there’s extra.” He laughs at that, then you all are all sitting down eating together, reminiscing, and it’s honestly nice.

“Oh shit, Mei is coming over tonight.” Shiu says then.

“Really? How’s her crazy ass been?”

“Good I think. You know her. Darling you may not remember her…”

“I do. Real pretty with the braids?” Shiu nods. “She was cool.”

“She was hot.” Shiu said, and you roll your eyes. “Right Toji?”

He nudges Toji, and you expect him to agree, but he shrugs. “Mmm, sure I guess, never really looked at her like that.” You blink a bit in surprise, as his gaze catches yours.

Huh.

“Really? Her tits though- ah shit, sorry kid.” You laugh, taking their plates and turning to the sink.

“Dad you’ve been single forever, I don’t mind if you date.” You hadn’t seen your mom in eight years, one day she just fucked off. Had nothing to do with you all, on your thirteenth birthday actually. Shiu hadn’t really dated since.

“I dunno, seems more like a fuck buddy than a girlfriend.” Toji mutters.

“Either is good.” Shiu and Toji laugh again, and you sigh, annoyed by the over projection of manliness in the room. Eventually, Shiu comes to say goodbye, and you head over to the bathroom, brushing your teeth and getting out of your pajamas. You were the worst about just lounging in them whenever you could.

When you step out, there he is.

“Fuck, you scared me!” You nearly yell, and he’s just smirking, looking down at your little skirt and tank.

“No Hello Kitty today?” You glare up at him, shoving him out of your way, but he stops you. “Talkin to ya doll.”

“I’m ignoring you, old man.” You head down the hall, but then he’s pressing you against the wall, back hitting it hard, then he’s leaning down, serious set to his mouth, lust in his eyes.

“Ya forget about me already doll? When I had you cumming so hard you almost passed out?” You’re bright fucking red, averting your eyes, and he grabs your chin roughly, shoving it up to look at him. “Answer. Now.”

“No, how could I? Fuck…” You’re faced with him, as he runs his tongue along that scar, then his lips, gaze going down to your throat now.

“When I choked that pretty neck, ya forget?”

“No.” Your answer was quieter now.

“And, when I said…”

“Yes, I wanna suck your dick, stupid.” He blinks, taken aback, and you could swear you see some red on his face, but must be the sun, because no way. “No, I haven't forgotten.”

“And… you want me to lick that cunt before or after?” He whispers now, sliding his hand down to find your panties under your skirt. “So fuckin hot f’me.”

“Shut up.” You sigh, though, leaning up and yanking him down, he’s wearing some skin tight white tee, covering nothing, you can see every line of his body, and it makes you wet. “Kiss me, Toji.”

“ Fuck .” He slams his lips on yours, hands all over your body, desperate, like he couldn’t get enough of how you feel. “So fuckin small compared to me.”

You gasp as he grabs your waist. “My tits aren’t small.”

He laughs. “They sure the fuck aren’t.” He slides his huge hands, squishing them, rough, but you love it. “That mouth is big too.”

“Dick.” He picks you up then, slamming you into the wall, and his cock is pressed against your pussy, hot and achy for him, then the door shuts. “ Shit !”

He puts you down quickly, gently though, which surprises you, and then you all separate, luckily hidden up the stairs. You struggle to breathe as Toji walks back down, and he’s up in a few moments, the door shutting. You look at him with eyes wide, heart fucking racing.

“Forgot his work keys.” Toji said, casually, and your hand is on your chest, as you struggle to make sure it doesn’t just fall out.

“Fuck, too close. We’re… we can’t.” You turn then, walking toward your room, and he stops you, hand surrounding your little wrist, and you pause, as his body is hard against your back.

“Sure we can, just gotta be careful.” He kisses down the side of your neck, and you tilt your head, moaning, as he grabs your skirt, gripping it, pressing your ass agaisnt him and moaning. “Perfect fuckin body.”

“No…”

“No? Gotta show ya then, doll?” He whispers, tickling your ear with his hot breath, and you shiver. “Lick every pretty inch?”

“Toji…” You lean your head back, resting on his strong chest, and he reaches around, playing with your breasts again, plucking at the peaks, shooting pleasure down your tummy.

“Ya ready for your next lesson, girl?” You sigh, shaking your head, but he just laughs. “I’ll just eat that pussy again then.”

“Why? What’s in it for you?” He chuckles, sliding a hand to your tummy, pressing in on it.

“Think I didn’t cum eating ya out?” You blink in shock.

“What? How?”

“Easy, ya fuckin taste so good, and hearin’ ya say daddy? Cum so much. I cum alot by the way, hope you can swallow it all.”

You freeze, breasts heaving up and down as he just holds you like that, in the hall, gripping like he fucking owns you. And…

You want him to?

“So, whaddya want, doll?”

“I want to suck you off.” You manage to whine out, and he groans then, spinning you and cupping your face, messy kissing you, tongues battling for dominance for a pathetic moment, until he wins. He picks you up, and takes you to the guest room he’s staying in, shutting the door behind him.

He pushes you on the bed, and slides his grey sweatpants off, leaving him in fucking nothing , since apparently Toji just freeballs, and his thick, long cock smacks on his belly button, fucking huge. You stare at it in shock, blinking for a moment, trying to register it, how could it be that thick? How would you suck it, let alone, how would that fit in you?

Fuck.

“Like what ya see, little girl?” You gulp, struggling to form a coherent word, and then you have him in your hand, hot and thick, stroking up and down, once, twice. He hisses, tensing, and you look up at him, his eyes dark with lust.

“Tell me what to do…” You whisper, and he groans, taking your hand.

“Haven’t… played with one?” He bites the words out, you shake your head, and he exhales. “You’re such a goodie goodie.”

“Then I’ll stop.” You yank your hand back and he glares.

“It’s not a bad thing, doll. It’s just making everything fuckin hotter to me. Being your first.” You tremble, as for a moment he’s affectionate. “Spit on it.”

Never mind.

“What?” He grins, and you remember, oh, it’s Toji.

“Spit on it first, then move your hand up and down.” You sigh, spitting a bit, and he laughs at you. “So dainty.”

“Shut up.” You try again, spreading it, and his cock twitches in your hand, his own hands sliding your shirt up, revealing your breasts.

“Need to look at these pretty tits.” He plays with them, as you stroke him, you look up at him as you move, up and down his shaft. "That's it, doll," He murmurs, his voice low and raspy.

You lean forward, licking the white bead of precum leaking out of his girthy tip, and he sucks in his breath, now his hands are in your hair, pulling, urging you on with his moans. He tastes… good? Fuck. Salty a bit from sweat, but also… yummy… his pre cum is leaking again, so you suck it.

"Show Daddy how much ya want it, pretty girl.” You feel it, your tummy clenching as he strokes your hair, you move up and down, as he guides you down, deeper and deeper. “Want me to fuck this throat, doll?”

You lean back, with a loud pop, trembling. “What if I can’t?”

“If you take too much you’ll tap me three times. Got it?”

“Toji, do you actually use safe signals?”

He glares down at you, tall, imposing, sexy. “Of course I do. Don’t need ya fuckin fainting on me.”

It’s kinda sweet?

Is your bar low for Toji?

“Ready, doll?” You nod, and then you try to relax your throat, as he starts shoving his hard thick cock in your throat, over and over, so thick and deep. You struggle to breathe, adjusting your mouth to fit him. You feel yourself losing breath, falling into it, getting even wetter as you look up at him, seeing that lust in his fucking eyes.

You’re drooling all over his thick cock, breathing through your nose now, and he rams his cock so deep you gag, near throwing up, just as he eases out of you completely, grabbing your cheeks and squishing em. You tremble when he pushes your back on his bed, until your head is dangling off the edge.

“Wanna watch my cock in that pretty lil throat.” He moans, and you’re looking at him upside down, at his thick cock.

“Take your shirt off.” He laughs at that, then he does so, revealing his hard, thick muscular frame.

“Your turn.” He snatches your shirt off you, leaving you in your little pleated skirt, then he runs his hand over your tits again, caressing them. “Remember, tap me if it’s too much.”

You nod, opening your mouth wide eagerly, then he’s fucking your throat, groaning as he watches his cock outlining in your throat. Your eyes are watering, but you do your best, you want to be good for Toji, you want to make him feel good. It’s so fucked, but you can’t lie, you’re so horny right now you’re enjoying him inside you, suffocating you till there’s nothing left.

He’s groaning louder now, and you can feel your panties getting wetter, your pussy clenching around nothing, as he takes you, fucks your mouth over and over, and you realize you’re really enjoying it. You moan around his cock, and his abs flex as he fucks your throat so good, until you’re gagging again, strangled.

“Tight lil throat feels so good, fuck, doll.”

You like it. You like it a lot. Huh…

“Feel so fuckin perfect, such a good girl f’me.”

You’re panting at his words, at his cock wrecking you, and your eyes squeezed shut, his hands are tight in your hair, holding your head down, keeping you in place, as he uses your mouth like it’s your pussy. It’s almost too much, but you keep going, keep taking his cock, and he’s fucking groaning, yanking your skirt up your hips and scrunching it up, bending over you.

He pulls out suddenly, and you’re coughing, holding your throat, it’s on fire now, his thick cock has wrecked it. “Take off the skirt, doll, now.”

“You didn’t cum yet?” You murmur, voice hoarse, he smiles as he helps you sit up, you’re weak as fuck.

“Take it off, girl. Now.” You unzip it with shaky hands. “Panties too.”

You do as he asks, they’re so sticky you gotta peel 'em off, trembling, then he has you back down. “T-Toji… am I doing okay?”

He caresses your face with his big hands, positioning your head back again. “You’re fuckin’ perfect doll.”

You moan under the praise, then he’s fucking your throat again, harder this time, and you feel his cock swell, his grip on your hair tightens, and you know he’s about to cum.

“You’re gonna take it all, aren’t ya, like a good girl?”

You make a strangled moan, jaw aching as you take his cock, tears streaming down your face, and then he’s letting go, spurts of hot cum shooting down your throat now, so much. You swallow, choking and coughing around it, but it’s so hot, he’s filling you up so much. And he keeps going, keeps pushing until he’s empty, bottoming out.

His moans are shaky, when he pulls out, and you’re coughing, choking, gasping for air, and he’s smiling down at you, his cock still out, helping you sit up finally. You look up at him, tears on your face, and he wipes them away gently.

“You alright doll?”

You nod, holding your throat, it hurts like fuck, but… you just swallowed Toji’s cum. And it was so…

“Fuck, you’re so pretty when you cry.” He murmurs, wiping your hot sticky tears, rubbing your sore neck gently. “Such a good girl, took it all f’me.”

“Hurts…” You manage and he sighs, kissing you then, tasting his own cum on you, then he’s grabbing you, your naked body, kissing down the throat he’d just cum inside.

“Did s’good, ma. S’good.” He keeps praising you, and it thrills you, before he’s flipped you, on your tummy, yanking your hips up. “Time for me to make ya feel good, little doll. Earned it.”

He spreads your legs wide, his mouth watering as he stares at your pussy. You're so wet, you can feel it dripping down your thighs, making a mess on the clean sheets. You whine as you grip the sheets under you in tight fists as he strokes his fingers on your slick heat.

“Got this fuckin wet just sucking me off?” He groans out the words, and grabs your ass cheeks, smacking one, then the other, making you gasp, crying out in pleasure.

“Y-yeah.” Is all you manage.

“Gonna be a perfect slut f’me aren’t ya?”

“Perfect slut… for you… yes. Yes .”

Toji Fushiguro leans in, his breath hot against your skin, and you can't help but moan in anticipation. “Such a good girl. Let Daddy taste that sweet little pussy of yours, would ya doll?”

“ Please… ” He smacks your cunt now, and you wiggle, as it stings so fucking good. “ Please, Daddy.”

And then he's there, his tongue sliding over your clit, his teeth grazing your sensitive flesh before he’s nipping it, and you scream, burying your face in the bed, the sensation hitting so hard. Then, he’s got your lips spread, and he’s shoving his tongue in so deep, it’s so fucking long you can’t take it, as it pushes it’s way into your tight entrance.

“Ah, fuck! S’good Tojii…” You manage to mumble, and he’s moaning against your cunt, against your sensitive clit, hands gripping the fuck out of your ass, until he’s sliding his tongue up there to your little ass hole now, and you tense, as he’s slathering it too, until he’s back against your cunt, shoving his whole face against you.

You’re struggling to stay on this earth as he’s fingering you, two thick fingers, shoving past your gummy walls and that tight ring, he's groaning as you pulse around them.

“Yeah, girl, fuckin soak me. Tight little perfect cunt.” He’s urging you on with his words, and you’re starting to tense, feeling it hit you. “That’s it, cum f’me, lil perfect slut, aren’t ya? Slut for Toji.”

“Fuck!” You scream now, hips jerking up, cumming all around his fingers and then you just say… “Fuck me, please, please.”

He pauses, easing fingers out of you then, you hear his heavy breaths mixing with yours. “Beggin for me, lil slut?”

“Shut up and fuck me. Do it.” He groans, flipping you on your back then, coming to lay on top of you, chest pressing heavy on your breasts. You grip his shoulders, arching your hips up, he shoves them down. “Thought you wanted to fuck me?”

“Your first time, need to be worked up y’know.” You giggle then, brushing his sweaty dark hair back, and he closes his eyes at it.

“Are you being caring, Toji?” He blinks for a moment, then glares.

“I wouldn’t wanna fuckin hurt you the first time, no. You’re… fuck me… you’re too special you know.” You suck in a breath, and then he sighs, clearly irritated with the turn of the conversation.

“I’m… special?” You asked, eyes wide, this was Toji, right?

Right?

“You’re tiny too, doll. Notice how huge I am?” You nod, rising up again, and you feel him, hard and thick on your thigh. Your hand reaches down to stroke him, and he’s groaning at your gentle tugs.

“So what, tomorrow?” You tease, and he smirks down at you.

“If you’re a good girl f’me. Yeah, tomorrow. But… question.”

“Hmm?”

“Ya on the pill? Because I really wanna cum in that pussy.” You flush, covering your face and letting him go, and he laughs. “I mean, I’ll cum in there anyway, but you ready for a kid?”

“You’re so full of shit! You would not even!”

“You’d be hot as fuck pregnant, doll.” He presses on your tummy, and you hiss. “Can’t wait to feel my cock up here. Oh fuck, horny again, lil slut?”

“Shut up.” You’re gasping then, as he leans up and smacks your face, not hard, but enough to jolt you, and you’re soaking his thigh, shoved between your legs.

“Freak, fuckin liked that?”

“Sure fuckin did. Do it again Daddy .” He moans, smacking your other cheek, and you know he’s being easy. “Why don’t you fuck me already?”

“Should shove this cock in ya, make ya scream. But no, you can wait, slutty fuckin brat.” You glare then, shoving up at him.

“Then don’t!”

“Oh, I will soon.” He’s shoving two fingers in you again, finding that spot that makes you gush, wetness all over his hand. “Baby girl need to cum again?”

You gulp, nodding, and he’s kissing you, brutal, rough, biting your lower lip and shoving his fingers into you, you’re crying out. “Fuck me, please , Toji.”

“Goddammit, demanding brat. Fuck.” He’s at your entrance now, glaring down with those blown out eyes, pupils so dilated, face all red. “I’m tryna be like a gentleman and shit.”

“You just fucked my throat, Toji.” He snorts then, and you laugh too. “Fuck my pussy then.”

“Wanna make you beg more for it. I’ll wait. But…” He strokes against you, thick hot tip up and down, until it’s on your clit, and you’re twitching.

“Fucking tease, Toji. Unh!” He grins down at you.

“So pretty fuckin begging for me, nah you can wait, doll. Fuck, your wet little cunt feels so goddamn good though.” He shuts his eyes, brows lowering, as he groans, stroking your little clit, which is soaked.

“Cumming…. Ugh… fuck me please… ” You’re a whole stupid mess for him, cunt throbbing, soaking his tip.

“Pathetic, fuckin beggin’ like a whore, huh?” You attempt a glare, but then you’re losing it as he continues that friction on your clit, his precum oozing on your tip.

“Fuck you, Old…. man… ah!” He groans, then as you start cumming, he pulls back, stroking his cock in front of you, hunched over, muscles taut, his face screwed in concentration as he looks at your naked body.

“Gonna cum all over that perfect fucking body, filled out so good, didn’t you lil doll?”

Fuck he’s awful.

Fuck he’s hot.

As he jerks himself off he yanks your hand down, shoving your fingers on your own clit, puffy and oversensitive, feeling how sticky and messy you are. You play with yourself, as he plays with his thick cock, moaning over you, and you’re crying out, arching your hips.

“Want it, doll? Me to paint you all over like a lil slut?” You nod, uncaring of whatever the fuck he said, you want it, you want him. “Then cum f’me first.”

“Mmm… fine… unh… Toji!” You’re screaming now, praying your dad wouldn’t just randomly come home, because you were stupid loud, as you cum all over your fingers, and he watches you, hungry, lustful.

“Good girl, good girl.” He cooes, and then he’s moaning, cumming for the second time, so fucking much, cumming all over your wide spread thighs, your glistening pussy, up to your tummy and your belly button.

You lay there, breasts heaving, as he starts spreading the sticky white liquid all over you, like he’s painting you, then he’s shoving two fingers in your mouth, ordering you to swallow more of his cum. You moan, sucking on them, then he’s kissing you, licking your lips, groaning.

“Need me to clean ya, doll?” He murmurs, and you just nod, helpless to him. “Look at you, so eager for it. You’re going to be the best little slut, aren’t ya?”

He’s kissing down your body, confusing you, as you half expected him to like get a washcloth or something? But no. Toji Fushiguro is down between your thighs, licking up the mess there, his own cum, and yours, moaning against your overstimulated little pussy.

“Toji! Fuck!” He groans, shoving his face against you, inhaling you, like he can’t get enough.

“You and me taste so fuckin good together, doll.” He groans, sucking up more of his sticky cum, then he’s back to eating your pussy, and you can’t take it, you grab his hair and try to yank him off.

“Too much, too much! Please… can’t!” He laughs, looking up and licking his lips, his lips and chin are soaked again.

“Gotta work on this stamina if you want this cock to wreck this lil cunt here.” He kisses it, loudly, then starts slurping up more. “Cum on my face again, doll. Let me drink more of ya. Ya taste so good, baby.”

“Toji…” You’re whining now, but you let him start sucking his cum clean off you, while the cum on your tummy he’s spreading around, till your whole body is covered in it, in Toji’s white ropes, as he’s flicking that little clit. He’s sucking on it, moaning, and you start to fall apart again . “Hurts! T’much… Toji!”

“Daddy.” He corrects, biting your clit again, and you gasp, arching your hips up for more of it, more of the ridiculous feelings.

“Daddy! Cumming!” He groans, looking up at you again, hands sliding up to grip your tits, making them sticky too, and your orgasm hits you again. This time you can’t see, when he’s vibrating that clit with his moans, your ears start ringing, and you feel like you’re so dizzy, like you’re gonna fall, clinging to his hair.

He drinks you up, along with the last remnants of his cum, pushing you past your orgasm to another, until you’re delirious, head lolling back, drool pooling, and he pushes you so hard you can’t see. He’s finally easing off when you gush cum all over his face, as he’s lapped you all clean, sliding up you, holding your face.

“That cock drunk face, beautiful.” He whispers, kissing you, and you taste yourself, taste his cum, taste his lips. You’re crying again, you realize, when he swipes them away. “Ya alright doll?”

You nod, shaky, gasping a bit for a breath. “Never… cum… s’much. That was… alot. Fuck.” He grins then, kissing down your jaw.

“Rest up a lil, doll. Your dad and Mei will be busy tonight, and I’m not done with ya just yet.” You shiver at that.

“Gonna fuck me?” He laughs, shaking his head.

“How are you a cock thirsty virgin? This only because of me, huh?” You flush bright red, looking down, then he exhales, tense on top of you, tilting your chin up. “Just f’me doll?”

You nod, shy suddenly, like he hadn’t just been fucking your throat, cumming all over your body, face buried in your cunt. “Yeah, just for you Toji.”

He kisses you, pulling you close, sighing into your mouth. “When I do fuck ya, doll, you’ll never want anyone else.”

“How the fuck will that work? Like…”

He just grins. “Take a nap, doll.”

You sigh, going to get up, but he picks you up, handing you your clothes, you get dressed, shaky, he has to help you. You sigh, standing on wobbly legs, and he laughs as he looks down at you, making you glare.

“Don’t tell me what to do, old man.” You yawn, and he’s laughing now, and for a moment, it’s comfy, when he pulls you against him, wrapping his thick, muscled arms around your little body.

“Be a good girl f’me, get some sleep. Stamina doll.” You sigh, then shove off him, acting like you didn’t wanna stay in his arms. “Oh… one thing.”

You pause at the door, about to walk out, he tilts your chin up. “What is it, old man?”

“Never liked getting my dick sucked like that. Best mouth…” He rubs a fingertip across your lower lip, and your tummy flutters.

Fuck.

“Tightest throat…” He wraps a hand around your neck then, not squeezing, caressing, studying you like a predator.

“Toji…”

“Those moans? So fuckin good.” He presses up, making your chin shove up now, facing him as he bends down.

“Toji… I…” He kisses you again, and you just sigh against his lips.

“Nap, doll. I need to feel you cummin on me soon.”

He smacks your ass, and you’re struggling to walk to your room, so irritated, so horny, so spent, so confused… so…

What the fuck was even happening?

You lay on your bed, wondering how dare he tell you to take a nap, like you’re some little kid? But…

You pass out.

Dreaming of Toji.

Toji’s cock in you, specifically.

Fuck….

Chapter 3

Also on Ao3:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/57496135/chapters/146421850#workskin

[iantimony]

i once again am overwhelmed by stupid busywork. Get Me Out

listening: finished the counter/weight prequel eps! feels good to be listening to a friends at the table thing in-time with when they're released, lol. i fully laughed out loud at the heartfelt moment between aria and hymn being interrupted by austin's fucking ice machine. incredible. no notes. "people are gonna go insane about aria in this one" keith you are SO right.

music for the week was the spotify release radar! just gettin some new tunes. i'm thinking of making a playlist that's just the songs that i like from release radar and the at the end of the year i can have a New Of 2024 list, idk. i AM going to try and be more discerning about what things i post, though - it would be very easy to just drop a huge list of all the songs on there that i kinda liked with no commentary but i think it'll be more fun to do fewer songs and actually talk about them, y'know?

philadelphia (matt maltese): feels like a mug of tea. very soft. nostalgic for something i've never seen. travels (rob blivion): really does seem like it should be playing over some indie film montage of someone travelling through mists in the scottish highlands. harsh truths (lemoncello): another indie soundtrack song. i think there's a bass in the background? although in retrospect i think it's a cello. lemoncello. duh. anyways it's very good. burning down the house (paramore): this is SUCH a fun cover. what can't paramore do for real. oh no::he said what? (nothing but thieves): BOUNCY. toe tapper. i am driving down a neon highway at 10000mph. coming home song (sammy rae & the friends): back to wistful and nostalgic. feels a certain kind of way especially right now because i am in the process of finding a new apartment, entirely alone for the first time. jolene (maneskin & dolly parton): speaking of really fun covers, yes yes yes. everything i would have wanted from this.

honorable mention to love me not (emei). i do not like this song particularly. it is stuck in my head though.

reading: fallow.

watching: just like last week: with the boyf, the newest dungeon meshi, i loved the way they animated the mimic. then some kill la kill. we're up to episode 11 now, almost halfway! also went to a superbowl party sunday. basically what you'd expect. fun socializing though.

playing: only had the one dnd last weekend, the one i run! went well. definitely was kinda sleepy and not as focused as i'd like. sigh.

making: mostly fallow...i cut out some of the border pieces for my handsewing project in a nice matching solid blue during the superbowl but have not attached any of it yet. started idly crocheting a rectangular prism-shaped object to use as a mtg deck case.

drew a little birthday card for my grandma i guess? mostly watercolor pencil, some prisma marker for the background. can't be assed to rotate it the right way, sorry, lol

pottery-wise, i did not take pictures but i have some fun interesting stuff in the works! biiiiig pot for my mom (got a little busted. but i think it'll make it). mug. glazing a bowl using sgraffito to carve out some waves (my roommate accidentally dinged the rim and i'm incorporating that into the design). did not take any pictures last week but i'll get some tomorrow for the next tuesdaypost.

eating: my roommate made a truly enormous focaccia in a 9x13 glass baking dish to cut into super bowl party sandwiches. they were delicious and we are still eating them for lunch basically every day. she also made a marinated beef bulgogi-type object, served over rice with veg and a fried egg and some spaghetti squash...yumb.

misc: i can't even be like "i just have to make it through this week" because i know next week will look literally exactly like this one (homework due wednesdays for one class, fridays (plus ANOTHER assignment alternating wednesdays) for the other). really bad vibes. just gotta make it through this week this semester.