#gotta love the ableism in that reply too

[13thpythagoras]

you really think the russian service doesn't exist? or here you go

FSB

i mean sorry i deadpan deadnamed them didn't mean to trigger

I mean, sure?? But what is the thought process behind this move?

[sideblogformindtrash]

Got a little lazy with it tbh

@whump-blog

CW: Substance abuse/drugs, abusive family, pet whump, trafficking, classism/ableism,

…He was clearly way out of his league in this part of town.

Everything there looked repulsive to him, from the agglomerated apartments in tiny unkempt buildings, to the dark maze like alleyways filled with trash and inhibited by homeless, the smell of smoke and urine, people high off their minds lying in the corners and the prostitutes in front of their shiny brothels.

There were lots of runaway pets here too, who had escaped their masters but found themselves unable to survive in any decent way.

If he found one of those, it would be a bonus, but it wasn’t required.

No, he just needed to find the dirtiest, messiest person he could. This poverty ridden district was perfect for it.

Meanwhile, Farlan wore an expensive suit. The watch on his wrist cost more than some of those houses, and his cologne fought bravely against the smell of filth. He touched his eye lightly, the skin there still sore and swollen from being beaten by his father.

And that's why he was here, in the first place.

Then, he saw it.

Leaning against a pile of trash bags on the floor, a cigarette between his lips that he barely seemed conscious of, clearly fucked out of his mind.

And he was. Odd.

While most he could pinpoint to body modifications - tattoos, including ink black up until his elbows, horn like piercings on his head, a black and green mohawk - he also had other details that just… didn’t seem possible.

His ears, for once, seemed too large to have been just operated. And his hands were shaped and crooked in ways he didn’t think was possible to get chirurgicale, almost claw-like, and eyes glowing an unnatural shade of green.

He was perfect. Just the biggest fuck you he could have to his father, who loved all things pristine and controlled carefully under his tongue.

‘Fuck you looking at, fancy boy?” the man barked, and Farlan realized he had been staring for far too long.

He got up in a second, baring sharp teeth as if about to bite him, twitching and turning out of control, eyes red and dilated. He seemed like he could give him rabies - and was also quite attractive.

It was also kind of funny to see him trying to be intimidating, when he was so short compared to Farlan, and far too scrawny.

“...You are perfect,” he says, smirking.

“...that I am,” the guy replies, slightly fixing his posture “Are you here for a fuck?”

“Something like that”

“It’s gonna cost yah…” he lowers his head, noticing the watch on Farlan’s wrist “a lot”

“I’ve got money” He shrugs, examining the guy better. He sees no barcodes, but his arms and hands are pitch black until up to his elbow… “And I’m on the market for a freak. Are you a pet?”

“Well, I can bark if you’d like me to,” he replies “Collars too, but again. It will cost yah”

Well, not a pet then. They are never that calm when they are found out.

He rolls his eyes.

“How’s this for the whole night?” he asks, pulling some notes out of his wallet “We are going to a party”

…He flinches back, then eyes the money. It’s a lot…

“...How many guys…?” he asks cautiously.

“Just me” he says back “You won’t have to do anything to anyone else. I just want you there”

He narrows his eyes, tempted by the money but not liking his words.

“Why, then?” The asks.

“...There’s just this old man I want to spite”

“Your ex?”

“What - fuck no!” He makes a grossed out face.

“Your dad then”

“You are fucking nosy for some whore” he says, getting aggravated now. Fuck, even in this hellhole people gotta get on his nerves “Are you up for it or not?”

…He considers it a little longer, before getting and pocketing the money.

“Fine. But if you want me to fuck someone else later - you’ll pay me extra”

“Don’t worry” he rolls his eyes, thinking no one there would even want to fuck something so filthy “...Let’s go”

He calls up a cab, pushing the twitching, shivering thing inside of it. And he stinks, almost as bad as that sewage space.

He knows the point is to have him be repulsive, but he at least needs a shower, or Farlan himself will end up vomiting.

He gives the cab driver the address to the hotel. It’s been fully closed for his father’s party, and brimming with his fancy guests.

So he thinks he will be mad as fuck to see him arrive with something as fucked up as this crack whore he found on a ditch.

And it will be his own fault, for taking his pet again despite his protests.

He notices he’s grinding his teeth, and pressing on the bruise again. Fucking hell.

"So…" the whore asks, his demeanor changing into something soft and submissive. It's almost pet-like, but with pets there's always fear behind the submission. With this guy… there's something dangerous bubbling. It almost makes it better "...What do you want me to be like, love? Tell me your fantasies… I'll make them true"

Farlan smirks. Would be cute if he wasn't so dirty and so out of his mind, whatever drugs he had used making him shiver and twitch, making quick moves with his head to the side.

"What's your name?" He realizes he didn't really ask. He doesn't even know if it's appropriate to.

"Orfeu" he replies, moving closer and leaning his head on Farlan's arm.

It takes everything on him not to shove him aside, and he makes a mental note to throw that suit out later "And your…. Sir?"

He smiles, and very hesitantly pets his dark hair. Hell, he hopes he doesn't have lice.

"You can call me Farlan. Mr. Farlan. Although sir… is quite pleasing as well"

He purrs, moving even closer. Farlan holds his breath, and when the whore moves to kiss him, he just shoves him off.

He catches a glimpse of hurt on his eyes. He might have missed it if he didn't live for so long with pets. But he soon recovers, purring louder.

"Hmmm will you make me beg for you siiiir??" He pouts.

"I'll make you fucking shower" he replies.

"Oh you're really a dick" the whore replies and closes his eyes, leaning back against Farlan.

"Hey. Don't sleep" he demands, shaking him.

He quickly fixes himself up, staring ahead…

He moves all of a sudden, and thankfully the window is open for him to throw up out of.

Fuck… This dude is not just fucked up, he seems to be genuinely having trouble. He sits back, cuddling up to Farlan with some drool running down his cheek.

He's already regretting this plan… but they stop at the hotel and it's too late to go back now.

He doesn't miss the way the clerk twists his nose at their new guest when he opens the door for Farlan.

The whore just flips him off, and Farlan realizes he can barely stand at this point, leaning on him for support.

"Man, you're a fucking mess" he complains, dragging his whore back to his room, immediately pushing him towards the bathroom.

He doesn't protest, giggling a little as Farlan starts to take out his clothes….

Then Farlan stops.

He… never had this before. He's never been with anyone who wasn't a pet. Even if a whore isn't all that above one… he still feels like it's different.

"Uh… is this okay?" He asks, taken back to the times when he actually bothered asking his pet.

He just giggles "of course love-" and he takes Farlan's hand, putting it inside his pants.

Farlan pulls it out immediately, grossed out.

The whore steps back, once again seeming hurt.

"What? I'm not giving you cooties dumbass" he says, and bares his teeth, then seems to remember his place "...sorry. Sir. Would you rather just watch?"

He offers, rolling his hips.

"Yeah" Farlan says, still staying close enough to catch him if he falls "hm. Don't they bother you?"

"...what? My massive badonkadonks? No. They are hot" he replies, tossing aside the cropped and freeing his breasts "Do they bother you?"

"Yeah. I mean. Not yours. Mine did" he stutters "I got them out as soon as I could"

That seems to surprise Orfeu, making him smile.

"...Oh. So it's t-cock on the menu today"

Farlan can't help but giggle.

"Yeah, sure," he shrugs.

"Well I'm good with it too. No worries" he winks, taking his shorts off and dipping his fingers down there, with a forced moan.

"...less touching and more washing" Farlan demands, seeing as the guy is just masturbating now.

He shrugs again, getting the sponge and side eyeing him.

Then, he turns around, and Farlan's eyes go wide.

…Scars. Made by a whip, he'd recognize it anywhere. But that's not the worst. His back was turned into a single bruise, likely by a belt.

"...If you aren't a pet" he replies "what's that bruise about?"

"...You got a bruise too, sir, and I'm not making stupid questions about it"

He loses it for a moment, pushing the whore against the shower wall, pressing him there. He doesn't seem phased.

"If you are a fucking pet, I might as well keep you to myself. Or maybe return you to your owner" he threatens.

"If I was a fucking pet, I'd have stabbed you already"

They stare at each other, water falling between them.

Farlan let 's go.

"Then why are you hurt?"

"Rough play, love. Costs extra" he replies dismissively and goes back to washing his sponge.

He's not convinced, but drops the subject. It's not his problem.

"There. I'm clean now" his whore whimpers, wrapping himself on a towel "what now… Sir?"

"Now you dress this" he replies, tossing him a dress. It 's plaid and very short, but it does fit him nicely "Good. I hope you are ready to party"

…initially it goes as planned.

The men look at him, Gerard's son, arriving with some dirty, drugged up street whore who looks like the spawn of Satan.

They whisper and stare, and Farlan is more than pleased about it. He's even happy to tell them where he found him.

They even seem to stop hurting his pet a little, the e white haired thing hanging from an intricate shibari built where his father placed him.

They hurt him.

Even from a distance, he can spot the blood and bruises on him and he's furious. No one should hurt his pet other than him.

But he can never fucking win.

Soon, he's pulled aside by his dad. Despite the blank expression, Farlan's learned to recognize that man's anger anywhere.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" He hisses, eyeing Orfeu who just waves and giggles, way out of his mind "bringing this fucking crackhead here?"

"Well… you took my pet so… I needed some company" he replies, grinding his teeth.

"Farlan, you…" he stops, taking a deep breath and glaring at Orfeu "You, whore. What are you called?"

"...Orfeu. Whore's fine too"

"...I'll pay you ten thousand to serve my guests tonight"

Their jaws drop.

"Holy shit -"

"You can't fucking do that" Farlan yells, half to Orfeu, half to his dad. He holds his arm "No- no I paid for you-"

"Hmmmm. He paid a lot more" The whore replies, stumbling out of Farlan's arms and into Gerards.

His dad stares down at Farlan, as he goes to announce Orfeu to the guests.

…he leans against the wall, feeling utterly defeated.

At least, that seems to distract the guests from his pet, and a few hours in, he manages to take it back to his bedroom.

He sighs, some tears dropping down his face when he washes the pets back.

The little thing knows better than to ask about it. He just silently sobs, having his own wounds and pain to bear.

"...it's okay" he whispers, massaging the white hair "... it's over. I'll take it easy on you this week"

The pet nods, affectionately nuzzling him.

…it kind of repulses him. It's hard to care about things he has no control over. Things he can't even protect, knowing he'll eventually lose him.

[is-it-so-much-to-ask]

Y'know. I came back to tumblr after deleting all my other socials. I did that because I thought it was the least toxic platform and it wouldn't negatively affect my mental health nearly as much as everything else does.

I was wrong. There's so much transphobia/homophobia/ableism/racism. Just like everywhere else. Every time I open replies. Someone is there being an asshole and my heart gets heavier and heavier.

I can't do it man. I'm too vulnerable and fragile these days. It's too much for me. And the amount that I consider too much has been getting lower and lower.

I really loved tumblr. A catalog of my thoughts for myself and myself only. But I gotta say goodbye. The cons outweigh the pros at this point. I loved you tumblr. Bye

[browzerhistory]

like obviously it's way worse on other sites (tiktok esp.) but that doesn't excuse the way people act on here even a little bit! some of y'all (not directed at anyone in particular) really love to just forget being anti-ableist when someone has to use an aac device to post or gets confused or angry for a reason you don't understand on a post or doesn't know how to end an argument or refuses to tell you every single thing about their condition to 'prove they're valid'.

like, not to sound overdramatic but christ on a bike! some of y'all seem to forget that these are actual people with emotions and support needs and yes, autism! even if it doesn't sound like autism to you or isn't like your experience with it.

and no, they don't owe you information on their life and symptoms or a reply to your shitass takes that autism 'isn't really a disorder' or whatever the aspie supremacists are saying these days.

like i'm level 1/1.5 and low support needs. basically the exact picture of the white, high-masking, late-/self-diagnosed autistic. and you know what? i can recognize that my experience isn't universal. it's called a spectrum for a reason, you know?

all of the pushback against autism speaks and their rhetoric (which, yes, is still bad) seems to be going in a different, equally bad direction of "actually all autistics are just ~better at communicating~ than allistics and if capitalism wasn't real autism wouldn't be a disability!" like, it's cool if that's true for you but a lot of folks with autism have trouble communicating or can't at all, and even in a perfect world, they'd still be disabled and need help.

and that's not a bad thing! that doesn't make them less worthy of inclusion and certainly doesn't make them 'not autistic'. it just means we've gotta learn to accommodate for them the same way we do with everyone else. which shouldn't be that fuckin hard, especially in online spaces. i could rant about this for a while, but i'll cut it off here so this doesn't get too long.

tl;dr: high support needs/level 2/3 autistics are still autistic. autism is a spectrum and a disability, and it's lateral ableism and sometimes straight-up aspie supremacy to only center low-support needs autistics or say that autism isn't a disability. do better.

for as much as this site toots its own horn about being the "autism website", y'all really hate to listen to level 2/3 and high supports needs autistics huh

[alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer]

all gone, all gone, all gone

part 5: i gotta get away from myself, i gotta get help

this is the last part before the epilogue! I hope you enjoyed it! i borrowed a few lines from leigh bardugo, i hope she doesn't mind :)

this is mostly resolution, but there is obviously still discussion of a suicide attempt! i would also say there's a bit of implied ableism that's not supported by the story

happy early birthday to @littlx-songbxrd!!!! the thomastair part is for you

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Masterlist | AO3

Cordelia took a deep breath and opened the door.

Will, Sophie, the Consul, and the Inquisitor appeared to be in the middle of their discussion. Solemn expressions rested on their faces, with the exception of Maurice Bridgestock, who appeared utterly disinterested.

The Inquisitor glared when she entered. “You cannot be in here, young lady.”

“You can’t send him away. You can’t send him to the Basilias.”

“That decision is not yours to make, Ms. Herondale,” Maurice said.

“I’m not naive. I know that he needs help. I understand that. But he won’t find it in the Basilias; you know that as well as I. He needs to be here. He needs to be with his family. Barely two days after our father died, Belial went to Alastair and threatened his life. He altered his mind and ordered him to do terrible things. That is fact. What he was doing when Belial sought him out is irrelevant. Acquit him and allow us to handle the rest as a personal matter.”

“When it leads to consorting with a Prince of Hell to carry out acts of evil, it can no longer be considered a personal matter. Your brother is a risk to himself and everyone around him.”

She wanted to scream. Why weren’t the rest of them saying anything? Why would they not defend him? “Please. If it were Matthew, what would you do?”

“Ms. Herondale! That is uncalled for,” Bridgestock scolded. “And you are intruding on a private matter of the Nephilim Council.”

Cordelia continued. “You cannot truly tell me that it is unreasonable to imagine Matthew in a similar situation, if he had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. You see Alastair as a risk because you do not wish to be responsible for him. It is easier for you to send him away, but it will not be easier for him, nor for our family. If you truly care for my family as you claim to-”

“That is enough,” Inquisitor Bridgestock interrupted.

Cordelia wasn’t finished. There was so much more she wished to say. She wanted to ask Will why he and Tessa were so blind to what was truly happening within her family. Why they never asked questions. Why, even after her father’s arrest, they still refused to see it. Why the most there was to offer was Will’s comment about his own father. She wanted to ask him what she should think now, now that her own father was dead, now that the evidence of his harm was laid out before them. Was he merely human? Was that supposed to make any of the irreparable harm he caused not only Alastair, but her, too, any better? Was it supposed to be placating? She even wanted to ask the Consul how she could raise such a callous son, a son who began a relationship with someone who was a child while he was an adult. A son who made her brother feel undeserving of anything good. As she attempted to collect her thoughts, it no longer became necessary.

“She’s right,” Sophie said. “Alastair made a mistake, but it was made under horrible, bizarre circumstances. Irreplicable circumstances, most likely. Anything he did that is punishable by Nephilim law was done under magical control by Belial. The best place for him to recover is with his family.”

“I find it very irresponsible-” Bridgestock continued, but Sophie interrupted.

“He will be taken off of active duties until he is deemed both physically and mentally ready to return to them. I could meet with him each week, assess how he is doing and how much of a risk he is, as Inquisitor Bridgestock put it. Consider it a recompense for my indiscretion.”

Will was oddly silent, something Cordelia hadn’t known he could be before. Finally, the Consul spoke. “I find those terms to be reasonable. Thank you, Sophie. If he agrees to them, I don’t see any reason to send him anywhere but back home.”

The Inquisitor seemed like he was about to object, but Will spoke up, “I agree.”

Cordelia sighed in relief as the Inquisitor backed down. Perhaps, somehow, this story could have a happy ending after all.

* * *

Alastair looked away the moment Thomas entered the infirmary. His memories of the past two weeks were strange, as if someone else had been controlling his body while he merely watched on, while at the same time not. Regardless, he could remember every moment of it. There was no way he could ever look him in the eyes again after all that he’d revealed back in that warehouse, not after looking into his beautiful hazel eyes with the sole intention of crushing him, not after making him weep. Perhaps he’d not been able to raise his blade against Thomas, but he hurt him all the same, and he could never forgive himself for that.

“You look like you’re doing better,” Thomas offered.

“Thank you,” he replied. “I feel very well-rested after my coma.”

Thomas hesitated, then added, “Well, if that’s all it took, why didn’t you try that ages ago?”

Alastair exhaled, glad that he understood his humor, however bleak. “Are you saying I usually look tired?” He bit the inside of his cheek. This was far too close to flirting for comfort.

“No more than the rest of us. Perhaps I should try it next.”

"I have a feeling your mother wouldn't appreciate that." He thought of the terms he agreed to earlier. “Didn’t you hear? She’s meant to counsel me. I’d prefer her in good spirits.”

“True enough.” Thomas hesitated for a moment. “Why won’t you look at me?”

Alastair allowed himself to look up for one brief moment before looking back down. Thomas’ eyes were worried. “I think you know the answer to that.”

“No one blames you for what happened. I certainly don’t.”

He exhaled. “I don’t need your pity, Thomas. I don’t want it. Yours or anyone else’s. You hated me before this whole ordeal and you should still. I’ve done many terrible things, not just those under Belial’s influence. I deserve your disdain. The only reason you look at me differently now, the only reason any of you have given me a second glance is because you can finally see me for what I am: broken. So don’t come here offering me your pity and your kindness and your support when all you truly see me as is something to fix. I apologize for everything I’ve done, for all the ways I’ve hurt you, directly or not. Let us leave it at that. I know what I said in the warehouse, but-”

“You don’t need saving. You never did,” Thomas finished for him. “I know you feel vulnerable and exposed right now. You clung to this visage of cruelty and unfeeling as protection. Words were your armor, but it's fragile stuff, all show. It’s not what you’re made of. What’s underneath it, that’s adamas. Tougher than diamond, rare and beautiful, brave and resilient, utterly unbreakable. And it doesn’t need fixing.

“I know we’ve both made mistakes. I know you need time to heal. But I… I care for you, Alastair. I have for a long time, even when I was trying so hard to deny it. I don’t know which parts of the things you said were truthful and which were lies and I don’t need to. All I need to know is whether or not you’ll take me as your friend. Perhaps, one day, if we both so desire it, something more, but for now, I can think of nothing I want more than to be your friend.”

Alastair only nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Thomas reached then, slowly, to cup his cheeks in his hands, giving him the opportunity to pull away if he wanted to. He did not. For a moment, he thought Thomas was going to lean in to kiss him, despite his insistence a few moments earlier that for the time being they would only be friends. Instead, he gently pulled Alastair’s head towards his chest, wrapping his arms firmly around him, strong and steady. In that moment, Alastair knew only one thing with complete certainty: he never wanted Thomas to let go.

* * *

Alastair didn’t know how long Thomas stayed, but at some point he fell asleep, and when he woke, Thomas was gone. He felt a pang in his chest at the realization. He selfishly, dangerously wanted him back beside him. He noticed a book beside his bed that he was certain was not there before. He opened it and found a short note inside. He recognized the handwriting before reading the signature: it was from Thomas. Alastair despised the warmth in his chest when he realized this, but mainly because he feared it.

I don’t know if you like poetry, but I enjoyed these. They comforted me when I felt alone, and I thought perhaps they could keep you company while you’re in the infirmary. -Tom

Flipping through it, he could see that it was a collection of poems, most in Farsi but a few in Arabic as well. He was certain he’d mocked Cordelia for reading the same poems at some point, back when he believed love to be cold and pointless. Perhaps what he believed was love was never truly love at all. Perhaps now he could attempt to find out.

He shut the book as he heard the door to the infirmary open. Sophie Lightwood appeared.

“Hello, Alastair. I hope I’m not disturbing you.” He shook his head. “Good. I wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier. That was entirely inappropriate of me.”

“It’s alright. You needed to know. You needed to be sure. I would have done the same thing.”

“I- That doesn’t make it right, but thank you for understanding.” She paused. “I thought it would be helpful to discuss our arrangement, as well as what you plan to tell your mother about what’s happened.”

Alastair had expected the first part, but his mother? “What?”

“I suspect you’ve not told her the truth, have you? Do you plan to?”

“I-” he swallowed anxiously. “Cordelia told her I got sent out of town.”

“Alastair, you’re not in any trouble. What you choose to tell her and not tell her is not mine to judge. I simply believe it would be helpful to be prepared.”

“We’re- we’re not supposed to cause her any extra stress because of the baby.”

“Do you wish to tell her the truth?”

He thought for a moment. “I don’t want any more secrets.” He had enough of them to contend with.

“I think that’s wise. Your mother is strong, and so is the baby. If telling her the truth will help you, it will help her. I believe that more than anything, she wishes to know that you’re okay. There is just as much stress in secrecy as there is in truth.”

He thought for a moment. “How am I meant to explain this to her?” His voice broke as he spoke.

She considered it, sat down, and considered it some more. “I don’t know.”

“Why are you helping me? And don’t tell me it’s because you asked a single question during my interrogation.”

There was silence for a moment. “Alastair, Shadowhunters are people of scars. Many of them are sustained in battle, but not all of them are. Perhaps not even most. The way I see it, there are three types of people. There are those who see battle scars as the only true sign of wound, such as the Inquisitor. All else is merely a weakness in constitution. It is that belief that is built into Nephilim society, and it is the view that most hold.

“There are also those who understand that other types of scars exist, ones that are sustained at home, but they do not know that hurt personally, and they do not truly understand it. I see people like Will falling into this category.

“Finally, there are those of us who are not haunted by demons because we know that there is so much more to fear. We know that scars sustained outside of battle, both physical and not, often run much deeper than that of a demon’s claw. Those wounds cannot be healed by runes or magic. You cannot do it alone. I don’t know how much you know about my past, but when Charlotte found me, I was broken and alone. The Silent Brothers healed me physically, but the rest took time and support. It took many people who refused to turn their back on me, and I will not turn my back on you.”

“I… I don’t deserve it,” was all he could think to respond.

“Perhaps it is not something deserved, then, but simply something given.”

“In school, I spread terrible rumors about you, your husband, the Consul… I said-”

“I don’t care. Whatever you said, it doesn’t matter. I am an adult, Alastair. Whatever lies you repeated as a child don’t bother me. Your past doesn’t define you. It merely gives you a chance to be better, to learn.”

Alastair didn’t respond. He’d never thought of it from that perspective.

“I should go. You need time to rest. But consider what I’ve said, alright? I’ll be in touch again and we can arrange times to meet, perhaps over tea.”

He nodded. “Thank you.” He hadn’t meant to say it, he wasn’t even entirely certain what he was grateful for, but he knew the words were true.

She gave him a small smile. “Take care, Alastair.”

thanks so much for reading! taglist: @jem-nasium @littlx-songbxrd @fortheloveofthecarstairs @cant-think-of-anything @shadowrunner2000 @writeforjordelia @jurdan-my-beloved

[hackereaped]

MOBILE RULES.

Seeing as I’m still dashboard only for the time being, I decided to make a post to place my rules for the time being. Please look these over if you plan on interacting with me and understand that most of these are in place for my own personal comfort and well being to write on this blog. I’m fairly chill and love making new friends, so these are never meant to cause any form of intimidation. If you have any questions or concerns, you are more than welcome to contact me and we can work things out.

001. Let's get this out of the way that first and foremost, do not interact if you support any of the isms ( racism, sexism, ableism, etc. ) Don't interact if you're homophobic, transphobic, etc. I don't have time to deal with intolerance on this site, we're not doing it. 2020's been rough enough. 002. Literacy is something that I come to expect with us being writers. It doesn't have to be perfect by any means, I make plenty of mistakes myself, I'm aware. So long as I can understand what's going on in the response, I'm fairly chill. English is rough man, I get it. Do your best, it's all I ask. 003. I'm not extremely active on any of my blogs. This is something that's extremely important for me to point out. I'm always around to share things, make posts, etc. What I mean by saying this is that writing is difficult for me sometimes, so there are days where even if I want to, I can't really get anything out. So, I vibe and focus on plotting instead. Please come to expect that I might not always be around to respond to something, my attention span makes it difficult to focus sometimes and write every single day; I'm primarily around when the urge to write is strong but do much better with plotting and THRIVE off of it! If you feel that I might have forgotten about a thread of ours, you may ask me about it and remind me! Chances are that I did just forget to respond and will try to get it out when I can! There are times where I'm active for days, there are times where I may be away for weeks. Just know I don't abandon my blogs unless the muse completely dies out, this hardly happens. You're more than welcome to softblock if this is something that doesn't blend well with what you're after. It's understandable, do what you gotta! 004. Drama is something I’m absolutely tired of. There are people who make me uncomfortable and if you find yourself blocked, chances are it’s due to the fact you interact with these people. I’m not going to name drop here, like I said, I’m too tired and those who need to know are in the know. Don’t drag me into your drama, you can vent to me just fine but the moment you try to make me be involved is the moment I’m over it. My rule of thumb when it comes to callouts and other issues is if the drama is more than a year old, you get a clean slate. Unless something presents itself to prove otherwise, that’s how I’m gonna stand. 005. This blog is multi-ship friendly. I'm always a sucker for different dynamics to explore. Romance, Rivals, Friends, Family, whatever type of dynamic you’d like to work out -- chances are I’m going to be down for! Unless my verse is specially made with your muse, I’ll more than likely be dabbling with multiple ships for each verse. Please do not try and force a ship on me. Sometimes muses and writing styles don’t blend well and that’s fine! But I will in no way tolerate force shipping and will more than likely only be shipping with close friends who I trust to begin with. Please understand that it’s nothing personal, I’m just doing this for my own comfort and well being. 006. My blog does practice mains and exclusives, depending on the muse. These people take priority with replies. Exclusives will be the only version of that character I'll write with for that muse ( but we can talk about other muse dynamics or connections and vibe! ) and mains will take priority, but the muse will interact with others of that same character. 007. This blog is NOT SPOILER FRIENDLY and will have spoilers posted throughout but will be tagged accordingly for the new TWEWY game as ntwewy spoilers*. The original game will NOT be tagged. If you do not wish to be spoiled for certain storylines and plot points, please proceed with caution and blacklist accordingly. 008. Mature themes are to be expected on this blog. Expect them on here and properly tagged as trigger tw*, if you need a specific trigger tagged; let me know and I'll make sure to do such for your safety! Twewy deals with some triggering content so please proceed at your own risk. I will ensure to do my part and tag any primary triggers that I can think of but if there’s something you need tagged, do feel free to let me know and I’ll fix that! It should be noted that Rhyme is a minor, NO SMUT SCENARIOS WILL TAKE PLACE WITH THEM. 009. Credit will always be given where credit is due!

[roddyretrograde]

might be an unpopular opinion but i would only have been okay with a jake/peyton endgame if it had involved jake seriously rethinking his actions towards nikki. because as far as we know all she is guilty of is being "promiscuous" and having left jenny but wasn't she around the same age as jake? isn't it very likely she was suffering from postpartum depression when she left? and then she comes back and jake withholds her child from her and she's the villain?

part 2/ the treatment of nikki really never sat right with me like she was meant to be the "promiscuous and bad" to peyton's "innocent and good" when really if the show was done today she'd be shown as having postpartum and not villainized for it. and what i never never got was how her attemps to have any relationship with jenny was just perceived by everyone as having to do with hurting jake as if she couldn't simply be regretting her decision and trying to fix it part 3/ like AGAIN i love jake, i wanted jeyton to be endgame but it was some serious bullshit for jake to be all put upon like well i live in savannah now, gotta share custody with jenny (who they constantly refer to as psycho and crazy for wanting her daughter back in her life, yay ableism go!) as if he didn't put himself in that situation all on his own when he ran away with the kid and evaded authorities. like i'm down with jeyton but not with jeyton and p playing mom to jenny when she has a mom part 4/ read your post explaining to that anon why you're pro jake and pro jeyton and here's the thing i am pro jeyton i'm just not pro jake to the degree you are because i cannot justify him "keeping jenny from nicki" because nicki never proved to be a bad mother. she didn't get to be a mother at all since she ran away. the way i saw it jake was heartbroken she left and hurt in his ego/pride because she didn't love him the way he did. part 5/ it was never really about jenny and nicki being such a terrible mother to her because jenny was a literal infant when nicki left and it's actually a lot more responsible to leave your child especially if they're in good hands if you don't trust yourself to be a good parent. i respect nicki for leaving rather than staying and being a shitty neglectful mother to jenny. more importantly she came back! and jake put her through some weird test he knew she couldn't pass on purpose. part 6/ let's face it nicki was never going to know the exact brand of diapers or food jenny needed because SHE HADNT BEEN AROUND. the point is there aren't that many parents who leave but then come back wanting to be a part of their child's life. and even though nicki started off wanting both jenny and jake back after awhile all she wanted was to be a part of her daughter's life and jake, peyton and even peyton's friends repeatedly stood in the way. i'd get resentful and bitter too after awhile part 7/ you talk about lucas gaslighting others but what do you call keeping a child from their mother for no other reason than she left (and wasn't given any real opportunity to explain why or to make amends) that child. how many fathers both irl and in media leave their kid and are absentee father but come back later on and are ultimately welcomed with open arms. but when it's a woman it's a different story. i'd have understood if nicki posed a real danger to jenny but she didn't.

My Reply: Okay, so this was a super long anon and I'm assuming all from the same person, apologize if it's not!

So I appreciate your take, but I have to disagree with a lot of it. First off, I don't think Jake handled the Nicki situation well. He ran away twice, tried to keep Nicki from any contact, didn't get legal aid until season two and then ignored it because he was scared he'd lose his child. That being said, I think you're giving Nicki too much credit.

It is possible that Nicki had postpartum, but I don't think so because I don't think the writers have enough knowledge of how women work to even consider it when creating her character and it's never addressed.

Nicki is not a good person, whether she has mental health issues or not. She's a predator for one, who admits to "liking them young". While I don't think her time with Jake is when she's 18+, she is clearly older than Jake and loves having power over people she's around. As a senior in high school going for a younger student, her situation with Jake isn't statutory rape (like Lucas when she knowingly had sex with a kid underage), it's a predatory situation. Much like you would judge a 17/18 year old boy going for a 14/15 year old girl, you can absolutely flip these gender roles in Jake and Nicki.

She likes being able to manipulate people, as shown in her interactions with Brooke and Lucas, but definitely Jake. While she may not know how to care for Jenny in the one episode you're referring too (1.17 Spirit in the Night), her intention in this is to fully come back and have control over Jake again. Despite not having feelings for him, she knows he has feelings for her and lays it on thick thinking that this will be the way for her to weasel her way back.

When Jake tells her that he doesn't trust her after not hearing from her for six months and abandoning Jenny (which is understandably hurtful and he's allowed to have an emotional response to this), her response is that she'll be in Jenny's life with or without him. This isn't a "we'll share" it's an "I'll take her from you" response.

When Nicki doesn't get her way, she does intend to hurt Jenny by cutting off her responsible parent and the one that is truly devoted to her.

Nicki is also the one that starts the physical fight with Peyton in Nathan's apartment during the party. She has obvious anger issues and problems controlling her emotions, and even though she's the one that starts insulting Peyton, she can't handle being insulted back. Keep in mind this is a legal adult (college student), who crashes a high school party and then pushes and slaps a high schooler for being protective of the daughter she supposedly adores.

She then kidnaps Jenny from Peyton in the mall later that season. That's literally kidnapping a child from a babysitter without letting a person know. It's a power trip, and given Nicki's history of having bad judgement, it's understandable that Jake (and Peyton) are scared.

You then add that Nicki has left her child in a cold car while passed out drunk, which means she probably has a history of binge drinking and/or drug use. She also lies about where she was during the six months. She registers for college but is a no-show, which is incredibly irresponsible, a huge waste of money in the US, and once again you don't know where the mother of your child is in a case of an emergency - and that's if she picks up the phone when you call her because she stops answering Jake completely. This wasn't a postpartum situation, this was Nicki - who loves control over herself and others, not liking the fact that her life is suddenly set in stone and she's not the master of her own universe. She can no longer do what she wants when she wants it as a mother, and this is something that she struggles with.

Again, when Jake shows up in season two, Nicki's play is that "I'll take our daughter and you won't ever see her again." When Jake doesn't play along, she even lies to him about him not being a father. This is a proven lie, because in s3, if she pulled this out in court they'd simply order a DNA test on both Jake and the kid, and since he's still in the running for custody while in Savannah, it means he is Jenny's father. That's a sick power play to do that to your daughter's father.

If Nicki simply wanted a relationship with her daughter and was a good mom who had Jenny's best interest in mind, she would have proven to Jake that she's sticking around and that she's willing to share and co-parent together. Because of her actions, it's Jake's job to do what he thinks is best for his daughter and that's not putting her in a toxic situation. You mention the fact that other shows show a father showing up years later and eventually getting a relationship with their kid - but usually it's just leaving (without further dangerous acts like kidnapping your child from one of their parents, or putting them in danger due to irresponsible substance abuse), and usually it's an arc where a parent needs to regain trust and prove they've grown as a person.

Not once in the whole show does Nicki attempt to do this. She insults, plays games, manipulates and constantly puts the father of her child down. She hurts people around her, even if they love Jenny and put Jenny first. These aren't the actions of someone who loves Jenny. These are the actions of someone who wants the validation of being loved by Jenny and winning.

If you're looking for Nicki's redemption arc though, Jake gives Nicki credit for trying when they're finally in court in Savannah. That's someone who really doesn't like her, and doesn't trust her, owning up to the fact that she's fighting for their daughter - and it's the first inkling of respect he gives Nicki. There's a full possibility that if Bryan was still part of the show post season three, Nicki and him would have had joint custody to co-parent, and that would have been Nicki's part of the story where she makes amends. But in seasons one and two, she does nothing to actually earn the trust of the parent that takes care of their child or take that time to prove that her interests aren't self serving in any way.

I also want to touch on your point of "Peyton shouldn't be replacing Jenny's mom when she already has one." I think season three is an amazing set up and parallel in Peyton's arc that is completely possible to have two moms. This is something that is incredibly common for separated parents and children who grow up with step-parents. Ellie and Anna mirror Nicki and Peyton incredibly well, and could have been an amazing story if Jeyton were endgame.

Anna is Peyton's mom. She's the one that chose to be Peyton's provider and unconditionally love a child that is not biologically hers. While Ellie, when she gave birth to Peyton, is not in a good place to care for Peyton and ultimately was not a good mom when she was self-centred in her own struggles, lifestyle and addictions. Does that mean that Ellie doesn't get redemption? Absolutely not, but it takes a long time for Ellie to want to know Peyton in a way that is centred around Peyton and who she is as a person and not her own selfish reasons. Larry tells Ellie to not come around the first few times she shows up canonly, because she's still mentally unstable and it would not be good for Peyton. He's making the same decisions as Jake with Nicki and Jenny, which are filled with good intentions.

Ellie coming into Peyton's life never once makes her question Anna as her mom. She accepts both women as important parts of her, and learns to love Ellie as much as she did Anna - and ends up with two moms. If Nicki had a redemption arc, this would be the situation. It wouldn't be Peyton stealing Jenny, it would be Peyton also being a parent figure in Jenny's life because Peyton constantly shows Jenny unconditional love.

Being in a situation where you are not mentally okay to care for a child is not an excuse ever. And I say this as someone who goes to therapy, is on medications, and frequently works on myself because there have been really low points in my life. If you are a parent and your decisions, whether made with sound judgement or not, put a child in danger, this is when authorities step in. If your kid goes to school and tells them that they were left in a car all night outside a bar while mom was passed out, the response isn't "let the parent explain, she might be struggling" it's "we need to file a report and call child services".

While Jake should have called the authorities, he's a sixteen year old kid in seasons one and two, and you're right, he doesn't make the best parenting decisions. But Nicki is made out to be the villain of the story because she frequently shows villainous acts. She is the Dan to Jake's season one Deb. And just like Deb was gaslighted and threatened into thinking she would lose any custody of Nathan if she disobeyed Dan by leaving him, this is why Jake doesn't trust the authorities because they frequently side with mothers in parental custody cases. Just like Dan should not have had full custody of his children, Nicki should not have full custody of hers. She shows a ton of the same narcissistic and manipulative traits as the main villain in the story, so it seems like you're not seeing the full picture when you try to compare Nicki to just being a mom who wants a relationship with her daughter. Keep in mind, Dan’s plays throughout the show are to isolate Lucas and Nathan from Karen and Deb. This is abusive parenting, and completely mirrors Nicki’s statements from the start.

Nicki has only proven that she wants power in a situation, to hurt Jake, and to be the sole object of Jenny's affection. None of these are acts of a good parent with good intentions. It’s also not bad parenting for your intentions to be to keep your kids away from abusive parents.

[zappho]

Some Meta on Murdock and mental illness

Generally speakig, The A-Team is a dumbass, light-hearted comedy with action on the same level as youtube poop videos. Obviously there isn’t alot of depth to be found here. The show had tons of different writers, all with their own take on Murdock and none of them offer any clear info or a proper backstory for the character. It’s basically up to the audience to fill in the blanks and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do by overanalyzing the mess that is the show’s canon.

The question of whether Murdock is ‘‘‘really crazy or just faking’‘’ has been around for over 30 years, but I’m gonna argue that he’s both.

When Kelly visits Murdock in the psychiatric hospital and confronts him about why he’s living there in the first place he gets instantly uncomfortable.

He really didn’t want her to ask, it’s why he’s been avoiding her. Joking about how you’re hashtag crazy™ is easy; having to admit that you’ve been institutionalized for over 10 years because you have legitimate problems is much harder. (Sure, the VA also gives him a convenient cover from the military police, but if that was the only reason for him to stay he wouldn’t react to Kelly’s question in this way). “It’s a long story”, is all he says. There are clearly some painful memories here that he’d rather not delve into.

He’d have to explain how he got committed in the first place. We know that after the gang was arrested for war crimes in ‘71, Murdock was still serving as a pilot in ‘72. They never clarified when and how Murdock was sent home, but i’m guessing without his only friends around and it being, you know...war, his mental health eventually deteriorated until he received a medical discharge straight into the VA hospital.

After Murdock gets wrongly released in season 1, instead of his friends being worried about his supposed cover getting blown they just shrug it off and go ‘Oh well!’ (This could all be due to the show’s inconsistent writing, but you know)

No longer being an inpatient would finally allow Murdock to be employed as a pilot again (his #1 passion), and yet he seems really disheartened about the situation. Even though the hospital gives him no privacy, the staff barely respects him and he spends most of his time there by himself, he still prefers to stay.

For a character who’s allegedly cheery comic relief, he sure gets his feelings hurt alot, mainly when dealing with other people’s ableism towards him. B.A. and Face are obviously just palling around, just guys bein’ dudes, they don’t want to hurt Murdock for real, they probably don’t realize how sensitive Murdock is about the subject. Usually he plays along or shrugs it off, but sometimes he gets genuinely upset. In the first half of In Plane Sight he’s so fed up with it he tries to ‘‘act normal’‘ until #Woke #Queen Hannibal reassures him that they love him the way he is.

PTSD was barely starting to become a diagnosis when the show first aired, but I think it’s fair to say he suffers from it. The pilot episode states that he has anxiety, paranoia and memory loss, so that checks out.

With PTSD you don’t just have to deal with flashbacks and nightmares, but also intrusive thoughts, images and memories about your trauma. Murdock copes with it by getting hyperfixated on a new activity or pretending he’s someone else. This is were alot of people will go ‘‘haha wow look how wacky and insane he is! He’s talking to his sock 😂’‘. But Murdock knows it’s all made up nonsense, he just needs his mind to focus on something else. What’s important here is that he never lets his coping mechanisms distract him when he’s flying, first of all he’s already focused and also he doesn’t wanna crash (lol). There’s a believability to his actions that’s missing in the 2010 reboot.

In the episode where the gang helps out the vietnamese cook from the POW camp where they’ve been tortured, Murdock tries to distract himself with some golfballs. He soon starts projecting his trauma on them however.

I think this is the only time in the show where Hannibal tears up, so this scene is kinda significant. As the leader, he probably blames himself for getting his team captured and tortured, and seeing that Murdock is still so strongly affected by it gotta hurt. 

Compared to the rest of the gang, Murdock’s alot more fucked up over the war. There are subtle changes in his voice whenever he talks about it. In the ep about their old war buddy Ray, Face was reminiscing about how cool of a guy Ray was for borrowing him his helmet, Murdock’s memories meanwhile are much less upbeat. ‘My bird was the only one left in the sky’ he remembers while we see an image of a field filled with shot down helicopters. His experiences are bound to be different from the other three as a huey medevac pilot. Murdock did have one off-screen breakdown in the present timeline, after collecting every newspaper article about the upcoming execution of the team in Firing Line. Apparently it was bad enough that he had to be restrained. It’s been 10 years, so he’s recovering and getting better, but he’s still not all there yet.

Everyone knows Murdock’s just messing around when he’s being interrogated by the military about his connections to the team, but like what about when the military isn’t there; or NO ONE is. He often talks to himself or just puts weird shit in his mouth for no reason while nobody’s paying attention to him (eating leaves, paint, an entire raw egg, a frozen sandwich). Sometimes he’s just unhinged like that.

Another thing that’s brought up a few times in the show is his anxiety. Murdock’s often seen being generally tense, sweaty, uncomfortable or reflective in the background of a scene. (I have no idea if this was a deliberate acting choice but Dwight does have anxiety irl so who knows if that had anything to do with it, I mean who knowsssssss, i’m just observing)

He’s got a habit of fidgeting with his hands or touching his neck when he’s stressed out. Murdock also does it when he’s telling his psychiatrist Dr. Richter about his dreams “If you were me, wouldn’t you be terrified to put your head down?” he asks him.

Richter isn’t really paying attention though, because he’s so used to Murdock’s non-stop clownery, he can’t exactly tell when his patient decides to be honest about his feelings for once. He just replies ‘Well only if it was a bad dream’. Which really irritates Murdock because what other dreams besides bad would he have? So he derails the session by rambling some made up bullshit on purpose.

Richter knows that Murdock uses humor and fantasy to cope, but he’s obviously tired of Murdock’s cringe antics, he just wants to help him. But Murdock doesn’t like to open up and be confronted with his traumas again, he just wants to avoid talking about it all together. There are still parts of reality that Murdock’s not ready to deal with, or he wouldn’t always retreat into his fantasies.

Before he can continue messing around a helicopter passes by and Murdock freezes for a second. Richter assures him that the helicopter is real; Murdock nods and starts fidgeting with his hands again, seemingly in deep thought. We know from the season 4 finale that he hears the sound of rotor blades when he dissociates. He was definitely being sincere here.

After getting drugged by some military goons he has a few brief flashbacks (feat. cheesy 80′s neon filters): seeing the chopper fly away, getting stuck in a potted plant as if he was walking through the jungle, being surrounded by heavy smoke and sparks from the burning carpet).

Despite being the 2nd highest ranked team member, Murdock dislikes being in charge and gets severly distressed when anything goes wrong that he might even be slightly responsible for. Most notably is the episode where the owners of the diner get kidnapped after Murdock got knocked out by evil cowboys or hill billies or whatever they were. Instead of telling anyone what happened, he’s just lying on the floor, repeatedly calling himself a failure until the others show up.

Seems like Murdock gets startled more easily than the rest of the crew as well. We often see him flinch when guns go off; one time he literally wore fluffy ear muffs to a backalley shootout.

This short moment from Family Reunion always stood out to me. Face opens the van door a little too quickly and it takes Murdock so off-guard he has to take deep breaths to calm down.

Murdock sounds exhausted when he has to remind Face not to sneak up on him. Face also realizes he messed up, he just wanted to check up on Murdock and not trigger him on accident.

When it comes to portrayals of mental illness in fiction there’s obviously better representation out there than Murdock. But sometimes you just wanna see a mentally ill character have a good time instead of being miserable 24/7. And Murdock’s already got the worst behind him, he’s had therapy for years and friends who love him. I just think that’s refreshing to see, especially with a character who’s so kind and openly affectionate.

[splendidlyimperfect]

Ooooo if you’re still doing the sentence starter thing can I request: “ i can’t believe that asshole said that to you .  it’s not true, you know.” And “you want me to punch him in the face ??” Please??? With Natsu comforting Gray???

this took a while, i can’t remember how long ago this was submitted, time is fake, i’m sorry <3 i hope you enjoy it! 

read my lips

rating: teen and up pairing: gray/natsu tags: modern au, established relationship, covid fic, coffee shops, hard of hearing character, sign language, ableism, audism, emotional hurt/comfort, me projecting on gray as usual

**tw for ablelism/audism (ableism targeted at Deaf/HoH folks) and an instance of the r-slur

-----

“I don’t care what Lucas says, Han shot first.”  

Natsu emphasized his point with his sewing needle, shooing away Happy when he tried to bat at the thread.

“I’m not disagreeing with you,” Sting insisted from the other end of the video call. “I’m just saying that he did kind of invent Star Wars.”  

Natsu rolled his eyes at his cousin as he nudged Happy away from the laptop. “Yeah, and he suggested Darth Icky as a Sith name to the game devs for ‘The Force Unleashed’, so it’s probably time for him to just, y’know, not be involved anymore.”  

Continue reading on AO3

Sting snorted, shaking his head as he tied off a knot on the back of his embroidery and flipped it over to study the design. He sighed, holding it up to the camera so Natsu could see the uneven stitches.  

“I don’t think I’m ever gonna get this,” Sting complained. “Yours looks so much better.”  

“I’ve also been doing it for years,” Natsu pointed out. He was about to say something else when the front door slammed open, bringing with it a red-faced Gray who looked like he was on the verge of tears. He kicked off his shoes, tossing his mask into the laundry basket at the door and throwing his bag on the floor.  

“Hey, love,” Natsu said, waving his hand to get Gray’s attention. Gray shook his head, refusing to look at Natsu and storming into the kitchen. Natsu frowned. Gray had been in a good mood when he’d left that morning, and he’d texted Natsu only an hour ago – on my way home, gonna pick up coffee, love you <3 

“Everything okay?” Sting asked.  

“No, I gotta go,” Natsu said, setting his embroidery down and giving Sting a concerned look. “I’ll text you later, ‘kay?”  

Sting nodded. “Hope everything’s okay. Love you.”  

“Love you, too.”  

Natsu nudged Happy off his lap, then headed to the kitchen, where Gray was aggressively washing his hands. Eventually he turned off the water but stayed where he was, head down and fingers gripping the edge of the sink.  

“Gray?”

He didn’t answer, so Natsu reached around the corner and flicked the lights a couple times. Gray sighed, grabbing the towel and finally turning around to face Natsu.  

What’s wrong? Natsu signed. Gray’s cheeks were still flushed, and he refused to meet Natsu’s gaze. 

I can’t fucking understand anyone, he signed eventually, looking like he was going to cry. Natsu frowned and Gray added, With masks on. I can’t read anyone’s lips and I feel so stupid.  

Natsu’s heart ached at the defeated look on Gray’s face. He stepped forward and reached out for Gray’s hand, which was balled into a tight fist. It took a few seconds, but eventually Gray sighed, letting Natsu slip their fingers together.  

“I just wanted a coffee,” he said out loud. His voice was tight and on the edge of tears. “The barista kept asking me something and I couldn’t hear her, there was too much background noise. It’s all just… sound. I didn’t understand. She had to write it down and people were staring, and I felt like an idiot, so I just left.” 

Natsu ran his fingers over Gray’s, bringing his hand to his lips and kissing it.  

“It’s so frustrating,” Gray said quietly. “Everyone thought I was stupid.”  

“I’m sure nobody thought—”  

“They did.” Gray’s jaw tensed. “The guy behind me thought I couldn’t hear at all, but he was so fucking loud. I heard him laughing, telling his friend I was…” Gray’s voice broke and he quickly rubbed at his face with the back of his hand.  

“C’mere, sweetheart,” Natsu said gently, pulling Gray close and wrapping both arms around his shoulders. Gray leaned into the embrace and pressed his forehead to Natsu’s shoulder.  

“He said I was retarded.”  

Natsu froze at the words that were muffled by his shirt. “What?” he tried to pull back to look at Gray again, but Gray wrapped his arms around Natsu’s waist and kept him close. He was trying his best to hold it in, but he was definitely crying now.

Natsu held Gray tighter, protective anger filling his chest as he ran his hand up and down Gray’s back. “I’m so sorry,” he said against Gray’s ear. “I can’t believe he said that to you, that’s horrible.”

Gray didn’t say anything. Natsu could see him biting his lip to keep back the tears and the soft sounds that came with them. He sighed, holding Gray as close as possible and pressing his cheek to the top of Gray’s head.

“I love you,” he murmured as he ran his fingers through Gray’s hair. They stood like that for a while, and eventually Gray’s shoulders stopped shaking. He sniffed and wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

“Hey,” Natsu said gently, pulling back and making sure Gray could see his lips. “You know what he said isn’t true, right?”

“I…” Gray swallowed and looked back down at the floor. “It’s just so frustrating. I get so embarrassed and I feel so stupid.”

Natsu shook his head, nudging Gray’s arm and switching to sign.

First of all, that guy is an idiot and a terrible human being, and if I ever see him, I’m gonna punch him in the face. Secondly, you’re not stupid. You’re one of the smartest people I know. You know four languages, you can build computers from scratch, and you can code faster than humanly possible. You know every single piece of lore from World of Warcraft – which is ridiculous, by the way, but adorable.

Gray’s lip quirked up in a tiny smile.

There’s nothing wrong with you, Natsu continued. No matter what. Doesn’t matter if you want to wear your hearing aids or not, if you want to talk or sign, or if you need extra time understanding people.

Gray sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “I know. It just sucks.” He exhaled loudly, then looked up at Natsu. “I’m sor—”

“Don’t you dare apologize.”

“But—”

“Look, I know we’re Canadian, but apologizing for someone else being an ass and calling you a slur isn’t allowed.”

Gray laughed and the sound relieved the anger and frustration in Natsu’s chest. He studied Gray’s face for a moment – the deep blue of his eyes, the tiny scar on his forehead, the barely noticeable dimple on his left cheek.

“What?” Gray frowned at him.

“You’re pretty,” Natsu said simply, leaning in and kissing Gray’s nose as a pink flush spread across his cheeks. “And I love you.” Before Gray could attempt to deflect the compliment, Natsu added, “Do you still wanna get a coffee?”

Gray’s expression shifted into something uncertain. “I can just make it here.” He gestured to their coffee machine, but Natsu shook his head.

“That’s not what I asked. Do you want to go out and get coffee?” Gray gave Natsu a suspicious look and he laughed. “I have an idea,” he said, gesturing to the door. “C’mon, let’s go for a drive.”

~

Natsu made Gray drive. He gave directions that lead away from the house, across the freeway, and into the neighboring suburb. The roads were unfamiliar but Natsu navigated them from his phone, clearly looking for something specific.

“Where are we going?” Gray asked again. He glanced over at Natsu, who just grinned at him and pointed out the window. A Starbucks sat in the middle of the shopping complex on the right side of the road.

“Do the drive through.”

“There’s tons of Starbucks back in New West,” Gray said, frowning as he flicked on the signal and pulled into the parking lot. “Why’d we come all the way out here?”

Natsu didn’t answer, just gestured to the menu screen as Gray pulled up to it. He looked at Natsu, ready for him to interpret whatever the barista said, but was surprised when the screen lit up instead. Someone with long, dark hair appeared on the screen, dressed in a green apron and giving them a warm smile.

Welcome to Starbucks, how are you doing today?

Gray’s eyes widened as he watched them sign, and it took him a moment to realize that they could see him.

Good, he replied quickly, hoping he didn’t look too confused. Um. You?

I’m great! What would you like to order?

Gray stared blankly at the menu for a second, then remembered he always got the same thing. Doubleshot on ice, please? he replied. Grande? Natsu poked him and he batted his hand away. And a Java Chip Frappuccino.

Awesome, see you at the window! The barista smiled and waved at him before the video switched off and the screen returned to normal.

Gray managed to hold in his tears until they had their drinks and were parked in the lot. He quickly wiped at his eyes with his sleeve, trying to hide his face from Natsu.

“That was Rogue,” Natsu said gently, reaching over and pulling Gray’s hands away from his face. “Sting’s new partner.”

Gray swallowed, trying to push down the lump that blocked his throat. “They can… they know sign.”

“Yeah.” Natsu brushed Gray’s hair out of his face and tucked it behind his ear. “Sting was telling me about them earlier – their little sister is Deaf so they’re pretty close to fluent in ASL.”

“Oh.” Gray stared down at Natsu’s hand in his, trying to figure out how to explain the complicated sensation in his chest. The frustration and embarrassment from earlier were gone, replaced with a deep sense of relief.

Natsu nudged Gray as he let go of his hand, and Gray looked over at him.

You’re not stupid, Natsu signed, balancing his drink on his lap. You’re smart and funny and gorgeous, and I love you so, so much.

Gray stared him – wild hair and bright eyes and the wide smile that Gray had fallen in love with so many years ago. “How do you do that?” Gray asked softly. Natsu raised an eyebrow. “You always know how to make things better.”

“Making you happy is my superpower,” Natsu said, grinning as he took a sip of his drink. “Now, y’know what you can do with lips besides read them?”

Gray raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“Kiss them.”

“You’re such a dork,” Gray said, shaking his head and laughing.

“You love me, though.”

“I do.”

Gray leaned over the console and pulled Natsu in for a long, slow kiss. Natsu’s hand brushed through his hair and he leaned into the touch – into the way that Natsu always felt like home.

“Mm.” Natsu hummed happily as he pulled back and pressed their foreheads together. “See, this is why I make you feel better – I get kisses when you’re happy.”

“So you’re not just being altruistic?”

“Not entirely. I may or may not have ulterior motives.”

“And do those ulterior motives happen to involve clothing?”

“That’s entirely up to you.”

Gray laughed and brushed his nose against Natsu’s, then pulled him in for another kiss. He tugged lightly on Natsu’s hair, biting gently on his lower lip and tasting chocolate on his tongue. Then he pulled back and smiled, setting his coffee in the cup holder and putting the car into drive.

“Let’s go home and find out.”

[cubeswhump]

Will Not be a Victim for my character, Blondie.

The neglected Blondie. I need to get back to my Powers Verse too. And the immortal bitches. I have a Sweetie and Michelle story drafted though.

Warnings for mentions of violence, referenced torture, bit of ableism. Pretty tame compared to what I usually write.

The phone rang from her nightstand, and again, and again. Then it started pinging with texts: Terry-Ellen has spoken to me but my own daughter won’t answer her phone.

I’ll be arriving at your house at 6PM.

Blondiw growled and dialled the number. The phone rang only twice before the deep voice came on the other line: “Oh, so you’ve decided to stop ignoring me?”

“Fucking hell, Dad. I’m twenty-three,” Blondie reminded him. “Chill.’

"Language, Melinda,” he scolded lightly. “I don’t care of you’re eighty-three. You’re still my daughter and we just got you back. I need to be sure that you’re okay.”

"I'm fine, Dad."

"Are you really?"

Blondie pinched the bridge of her nose. Don't call him a nosy twat, don't call your dad a nosy twat. She breathed out. "You hired a fucking bodyguard for me. "That's humiliating enough, and now you're prying into my life like I'm a child."

"Language. Good lord, you take after your mother," he sighed. "Who are you embarrassed in front of? You haven't left your house in more than two weeks." His voice was so even and annoyingly calm. Blondie swallowed back the snarl crawling up her throat. "Is it really prying to be concerned about my daughter? I just want to know that you're okay. I haven't seen you since-"

"Okay, okay, I'll stop by tomorrow. No need to stop by." She knew her father would have some words if she saw the state her house was in. Tej wasn't hired to clean after the slob, and no one had patched up the hole Blondie punched in the living room.

"Are you sure? If I come over you can stay home and rest," he offered.

"You just got on my ass for staying in my house!"

"You know that is not what happened, Melinda."

"I'll be there at eleven in the morning, okay?"

"I'll expect you by twelve."

Blondie huffed and hung up as he chuckled.

***

Tej was prodding her. "Get up. We've gotta go soon."

Blondie lifted her head abd ahot rhe other wonan a glare. "There's no we. You're staying home."

"You know that's not how it works," she said, unfazed. "I'll make you coffee."

"Don't." Blondie pyr one foot on the floor and grabbed one crutch. The other must have fallen over at some point in the night, and Blondie whacked Tej with the crutch in her hand when the thin woman tried to help her retrieve the fallen one. "Scram, bitch."

"Very nice, " Tej said sarcastically, handing her the crutch anyway. She caught the crutch Blondie swung at her. "Have you ever considered treating the help like people?"

"Go on, call me a bitch. There's nothing in your contract that says you can't insult me, yeah?"

"I'll leave you to get dreased," Tej said dryly. "Your hair looks nice. Did you wash it?"

She shut the door behind her just in time for the television remote to crash into the wood.

Blondie had only worn bath robes and undergarments for the last few weeks and she hadn't gotten to modifying any pants to her new body. Skirts? No, fighting in a skirt wasn't a great idea - if she needed to fight. Fights were always possible.

Shorts. A pair of shorts, one sock, one combat boot. The left bood sat all alone and sad. She kicked it over. Hair in a bun.

"Your coffee, Blondie." Tej shoved the steaming mug right in her face while Blondie was trying to sneak out the front door.

"I told you not to make me coffee," Blondie grumbled.

"Coconut creamer and one Sweet-N-Low," Tej tempted her, voice sing-song.

"I'm getting coffee on the way to my dad's, shithead." And she was out tje door, slamming it behind her - or trying to. Tej caught it just before it closed and slipped out after her.

"Want me to drive? You can relax," Tej offered, reaching for the keyring in Blondie's hand. Blondie jerked it away.

"I'll relax when you're dead. It's my fucking car."

"Cool, cool."

Tej was in the passenger's seat before Blondie had even opened her door so she couldn't even lock her out. Tej smiled at her knowingly. Blondie gripped the steering wheel sp hard her fingers turned white.

Tej tried to make conversation throughout the drive and Blondie turned the volume up a few notches every time she opened her mouth. After a million years, she pulled up in front of the coffee shop.

"I'll get you an iced mocha cappuccino," Blondie said as she got out of the car. Tej was stepping out too.

"Nah, I wanna look at the menu," she replied. Blondie squeezed her eyes shut and clenched her teeth, reciting the "calming phrases" from her counseling sessions as a teenager.

When was this place ever this busy? Blondie sighed as she joined the line, Tej at her side. "You know, you're paying for your own shit."

"That's fair," Tej shrugged. "Your daddy pays me weekly."

Blondie sneered at her.

The line inched forward. A woman and her child joined. Seriously, did the entire fucking town want coffee right now?

"Wow..." the woman said, her voice hushed. "What happened?"

Blondie didn't realize the woman was talking to her until she felt a tap on her shoulder.she turned around, finding the woman's wide eyes on her still-bandaged stump. The little girl stared too, reaching for Blondie's crutch. Blondie jerked it away from her sticky hand and scowled, but neither noticed.

"What happened?" the woman asled again. "Why don't you get a prosthetic leg?"

"I pesteres someone with intrusive questions and she pulled out a machete," Blondie snapped. The woman recoiled.

"Ma'am, you're being very insensitive, and you should teach your child not to touch anyone's mobility aids." Tej launched right into a lecture. "Please treat my friend as you would treat-"

Blondie's temper boiled over. She raised one crutch and bashed it into the woman's knee. Tej's hand clamped over her own mouth as the woman fell over with a screech, dragging her daughter down with her.

"Oops. My bad." Blondie turned her back on the pair.

"Did you see that?" the woman cried as she got back to her feet. The cashier looked over from the customer he was dealing with, frowning.

"I'll be out fast," Blondie promised the cashier. "No trouble."

They walked out with their coffees and gluten-filled breakfast, Blondie's coffee spouting steam that smelled of coconut... Something she could have gotten at home. Tej predictably got a mocha cappuccino.

"I mean," Tej finally said during their resumed drive, mouth full of bagel, "not that I blame you much, but public battery isn't a food luck."

Blondie turned the radio up higher.

The guard let them into the gated, cookie cutter community. Towering houses were identical, painted a cream not a shade lighter or darker than the house nextdoor. Perfect gardens, no blade of grass even a centimeter overgrown. One house had flowers a different shade of pink than the rest. Blondie might have struggled to differentiate the houses if Chase weren't waving frantically at the end of one driveway.

"Melinda, love, how are you?" The large man was coming at her with open arms as she stepped out of the car. She was too slow thinking of an excuse to get out of hugging her stepdad, and he squeezed her tight.

"Peachy," she told him.

He hugged Tej too before letting both women into the house. He was talking a mile a minute and Blondie let Tej handle the conversation.

"I see you brought beverages. No tea then?" he asked. Blondie shook her head. "Oliver's in his study."

"Tell him hi for me," Tej chirped, and Blondie decided she would not do that. She hurried away when the other two started discussing how much they lift at the gym.

115 pounds? Unimpressive, Tej.

She didn't bother knocking on the mahogany door, throwing it right open. "Yo."

Oliver swiveled around in his chair like a James Bond villain. He even looked the part with his coiffed grey hair and serious expression. "Good morning, Melinda. You were almost on time. Have a seat."

"Nice to see you too," Blondie said sarcastically, falling back ontp the plump sofa.

"Oh, no, you're covered in crumbs! Why didn't you brush yourself off outside?"

"Just vacuum later. I had a muffin."

Oliver sighed, turning back to his laptop. "Depending on your recovery time, we'll get you fitted for prosthesis." He flicked through images. Some were very realistic and even matching her skin color, others clunky and robotic, some abstract and hardly resembling a limb. "We should find a design that fits your activity level, preferably a more realistic one. No one has to know. At that point we'll get you to that physical therapist I've been talking to, and-"

"Whoa, hold on a minure. Don't I get a say?" Blondie snapped. "And who said I want a realiatic one? Maybe I don't want to pretend I'm fucking normal."

"Whatever you want, darling. But I'm not going to let you hold yourself back."

"You tell me to take it easy abd slow down and then you get on my ass for being behind the curve. The fuck is that?"

Oliver sighed. He turned back tp his daughter, choosing his next words carefully. "I know how much you enjoy your hobbies. I think it'll be better for your mental health if you get back into dance and martial arts soon."

Back into dance. She was already the largest girl in the studio, dwarfing the tiny instructor even when she was twelve. Skilled as she was, she never had a ballerina's body and her instructor's main complaints were her thundering footsteps and "unladylike gait". Well, at least pointe shoes wouldn't hurt a prosthetic leg.

"It's my body and my life," Blondie reminded him.

"And it's my money that pqid your medical bills," he shot back. She rolled her eyes. "Melinda, you know I just want what's best for you. I want to help you. I need to help you."

"Help yourself first," Blondie snarled. "How's your boytoy?"

"I've been married to Chase since you were eight. Stop calling him my boytoy," Oliver sighed. Any other time, Blondie might have laughed at how annoyed her dad got when she mocked his husband. "And fifteen years isn't such a significant age difference when you're out of your twenties."

"He's a gold-digger."

"He's well worth what he costs, and he loves you like his own daughter. Come on, stop changing the subject. You mean so much to me. You were the victim of such a-"

"I'm not a victim," she hissed, leaning forward in her seat. Her eyes narrowed. "If anyone's a victim, it's that bitch Camilla. You know, queen of the cabbage patch."

Oliver's eyebrows knit together. "Cabbage patch?"

"Because she's a vegetable," Blondie said, and her father sighed heavily.

"I'm not denying that she's a bad person, but you don't need to be discriminatory. Other, much nicer people live with brain damage."

"Dad, shut the fuck up and listen to me," Blondie demanded. "I fought my way out. I'm not a victim!"

"Yes, yes, you're a survivor," he said in a voice like he was placating a toddler.

"No, I'm Melinda fucking Van Doren."

He lifted his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Before anything, you're my daughter and I want what's best for you."

"I actually know what's best for me because I am me."

"I'm your father. I know you pretty damn well."

"Yeah, okay. I'll keep in tough." Blondie started to stand, but Oliver held a hand up.

"Stay for lunch. Samantha made two extra plates."

It still weirded her out that her father had a cook. Her mother missed having servants after the divorce, but Blondie tried her best to keep her home free of employees. And she got stuck with Tej, the most intrusive Van Doren employee.

Chase brought two plates of chicken parmesan to the damn study.

"Workaholic," he said and rolled his eyes, kissing Oliver on the cheek. Blondie rolled her eyes. "Well, I've been having a lovely chat with Miss Tej while you two have been bonding."

Bonding. Sure.

Blondie stabbed into her chicken. She imagined it was the Queen - no, Camilla - that she was stabbing over and over, making sure she never recovered. Because she wasn't the Queen's victim.

She was Melinda "Blondie" Van Doren. She was a fucking hero and people would know that soon.

[rainbow-sides]

A Hand to Hold: Chapter Seven

Summary: Patton befriends an isolated boy at his high school and soon develops feelings for him that aren’t just friendship. Navigating a relationship of any kind with Logan Barry isn’t easy, but it sure is worth it!

Pairings: romantic Logicality, possible background Prinxiety but I haven’t decided yet

Word Count: 1,739

Warnings: talk about bullying, ableism from a parent, very brief mention of Deceit, mentions of abusive therapy (implied ABA), food mention, mild spoilers for Doctor Who, anxiety, school stress,

Notes: ATTENTION I am no longer using a taglist. Instead, please follow and click notifications for the blog @rainbow-sides-fics. I’ll be reblogging all of my old fics there as well as any new ones I’ll be posting. Alternatively, A Hand to Hold is now available on AO3. Love you guys! <3 ~Martin

Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six

___________________________________

“GCAT PUPY PUPY,” Virgil chanted, his palms pressed to his temples. “Guanine and adenine are purines, cytosine and thymine are pyrimidines. Right?”

Logan nodded. “Correct. Well remembered.”

“Thank God for mnemonics.” Virgil popped a chip into his mouth. “Okay. Okay. What else is on the study guide?”

“It says to understand 5’ and 3’ directionality, decoding amino acid sequencing, and be able to explain the process of DNA replication as well as translation from DNA to proteins,” Logan said, summarizing the study guide for what was probably the fourth or fifth time. Although he knew that Virgil obviously knew the material, he got anxious during tests. He had asked Logan to help study with him so he felt more prepared.

“I feel like I know all of that, but there's got to be a catch, right? I'm gonna fail. I'm gonna fail.” He started to breathe too quickly.

Chex, who had been resting on the floor next to Virgil's chair, sat up. She nudged Virgil's leg with her nose and let out a soft whine.

Virgil buried his hand in the fur on the back of the dog's neck and took a deep breath. “No, I'm probably not going to fail. I've never failed a test in this class before, and I've been doing all the work.”

“I don't believe that you will fail,” Logan agreed. He twisted the ring on his finger, not sure what else to say. 

He wanted to help Virgil, but anxiety was complicated and Logan wasn't great at complicated emotions. Logan figured it was probably best to leave that to Patton. And Chex, of course. The sweet black lab was so in tune with Virgil's anxiety that she could tell even before he started to have an attack and would remind him to redirect his energy into more productive avenues.

“Would you like to keep studying?” asked Logan. “I have vocabulary cards for the whole unit, and there is always a vocabulary section on the test.”

Virgil nodded. “Sure, vocab practice sounds good. Hey, um, thanks again for coming over to study with me. It's nice to have a friend in that class now, I'm less stressed about it.”

Logan thought that Virgil still seemed very stressed. He didn't voice that opinion. “Codon,” he said, holding up the first vocabulary card.

“Uhh, uh, it's any series of three nitrogen bases that code for a specific amino acid, right?”

“Correct. Peptide bond.”

Virgil looked up at the ceiling. “It's...uh, well, peptide is referring to proteins, so...bonds between proteins?”

“Bonds between amino acids,” Logan corrected. “Okasaki fragments.”

“Oh shit,” Virgil muttered. “Um, something about the leading strand?”

“Lagging strand. Okazaki fragments are the stretches of DNA that are copied piece by piece on the lagging strand,” said Logan. He spun the ring on his finger again. He hoped that Virgil wouldn't get worried that he wasn't getting all of the vocabulary right.

“Right! I remember now.”

“Operon.”

“Oh, hey, I know this one. A group of genes that are functionally related,” Virgil said.

“Correct. Intron.”

They kept going until all of the vocabulary cards had been discussed. Logan put aside the ones that Virgil had struggled on so he could keep looking at them later.

“Seriously, thank you so much for coming and helping me out,” Virgil said. “I feel much better about the test on Thursday.”

Logan flicked his hand up near the side of his face. “You're welcome,” he said.

“I don't think I'm going to be able to cram much more into my brain right now, I need a break. Hey, how's the Doctor Who marathon with Patton going?” Virgil wondered.

With a slight bounce in his seat, Logan replied, “We watched Boom Town this weekend! On Wednesday afternoon, he is coming to my house to watch Bad Wolf and The Parting of Ways!”

Virgil leaned forward. “Oh, man, you're already almost to Nine's regeneration? Does Patton know it's coming?”

“Yes, and he says that he will miss Eccleston, but that he's seen David Tennant in other things and is looking forward to meeting Ten,” Logan said happily. He hummed to himself for a second before adding, “I am looking forward to reaching Ten's episodes, he is my favorite modern Doctor.”

“I gotta say, I like Capaldi. He's grumpier. More my style. Though Tennant at the end of his run is cool, he gets dark and edgy.” Virgil grinned. “The new season with Jodie Whittaker was freaking fantastic, too.”

“Much agreed,” Logan said. “I appreciate having a larger group of companions again, and the diversity has improved recently.”

Virgil scratched Chex behind the ears. “Yeah, big team TARDIS's are fun. One of my favorites was at the end of Journey's End was when they were all flying the TARDIS like she's supposed to be flown.”

Logan nodded. “May I ask you a question?” he said suddenly.

“Yeah, course.”

“What does it feel like to you when you are excited about something? Such as when you are talking about or watching Doctor Who, or listening to the music you like?” Logan asked.

There was a long pause as Virgil thought about that. “It makes me happy, I guess.”

“How does it physically feel?” Logan pressed.

“Oh, jeez, I'm not sure. It almost makes me feel peaceful? Like, um, listening to my music makes my mind slow down for just a little while. My body feels more relaxed afterwards. Same with watching something I like. It's a comfort, almost.” Virgil tapped his fingers against the table. “This is a tough question, dude.”

Logan leaned back in his chair. “I apologize.”

“No, it's okay. Really, I just need to think for a minute. Um...it feels warm in my chest sometimes. I guess that's about it. Well, starting a new episode almost feels like anxiety for me. But then again, most emotions turn into anxiety for me. That's just how anxiety works,” Virgil said. Then he asked, “What does it feel like for you?”

Putting his hands on his chest, Logan says, “I'm not sure. I have alexithymia, so I have a difficult time labeling emotions. I can sometimes describe it in physical sensations, though. And my excitement about my special interests feels like my heart and my lungs and my stomach are all on fire, if being on fire felt good and didn't hurt.”

“Sounds intense.”

“It is.” Logan looked down as Chex put her head against his leg. Her sweet brown eyes blinked up at him, and a soft warmth spread through his chest. “Hello,” he said. “Hello, Chex. Your ears are very soft.” He stroked her head.

“She wants to make sure that you're okay,” Virgil said. “She...she can hear changes in people's voices and checks up on them, even if it isn't me.”

“I'm alright. I don't have excellent volume control, or tone control. I never know what I sound like, exactly.” He couldn't tear his eyes away from the beautiful dog. “But I suppose that talking about my experiences with emotion do cause me some distress, which could have emerged in my voice without my noticing.”

Virgil stood up and walked over to the living room. “Want to come sit over here, Lo?” he offered.

“Um, alright.” Logan went over to join him. Chex followed him, and all three of them sat down on the ground. “Why?”

“Why does talking about your emotions distress you?” Virgil asked.

Logan froze up. “Because they are difficult,” he said slowly. “And I do not understand them. I do not like talking to people about things I do not understand.”

“Are you worried that someone might tell you that your emotions are wrong?”

A confused, bad feeling swirled around inside him. Chex laid her head and front paws in his lap, and he felt calmer. “Perhaps, but I'm not sure that I understand the question,” Logan admitted, running his hands down the dog's fur. It was almost as soothing as a full-body stim, and the pressure of her weight against his legs added to that effect.

“I mean, do you think that someone will come along and tell you that the way you are labeling your emotions is wrong? That the words you use to describe your experiences are incorrect?” Virgil tried to clarify.

“Yes, that is what happens.” It had happened many times before. The way he tried to describe what he was feeling to his mother or to his therapists had often been misinterpreted or simply ignored because it didn't make sense. Logan had learned to keep quiet about what he was feeling.

“But you're talking to me about it, even though it...scares you?” Virgil checked. “Is that right?”

Logan shifted. “Yes.”

Virgil smiled. “I think that means you trust me. Thank you.”

“I do trust you,” Logan said. “And I have learned that you and Patton and Roman are worthy of my trust. You've never once tried to make me act normally, or made fun of me.”

“It sucks that the bar is so low,” sighed Virgil.

Logan kept petting Chex. “I don't know that that means, exactly, in this context.”

“Um, it means that I don't think that somebody not laughing at you or trying to change you into something you're not should be the bar, the threshold or limit, for whether or not you can trust them. I mean...I guess what I really mean is that it sucks that you don't get that from everyone. In a perfect world, nobody would make fun of anyone or try to change them,” Virgil explained.

“But we do not live in a perfect world,” Logan reminded him.

“Yeah. Yeah, I know. I know that very well.”

Chex whined softly and raised her head to look at Virgil. Her tail thumped a few times against the floor, and he scooted closer to put his hand on her back. He closed his eyes. Logan didn't say anything. They sat there petting Chex in silence for a while, and it was a soothing silence. Logan felt much calmer and less bad by the time his mother arrived to pick him up and take him home. 

He sat in the living room and watched Ian flutter around his plants as the afternoon trailed on. His mother chatted to him as she cleaned and prepared dinner, but he wasn't listening. He was off in his own head, trying to imagine a perfect world.

___________________________________

Sorry for the long wait and the fairly short chapter! I’m working on the next one. But also I’m going back to work next week, and school starts a couple weeks after that, so who knows when I’m going to have time to write? Ah, well. I’ll do what I can.

And hey, check out Time and Time’s Turning if you like my writing! It’s a fairy AU with eventual Royality and Analogical. Also, it has art!!!!! <3 ~Martin

[bma-2020]

Okiedok here’s the delio. I have a list of all the blogs from the last six months who’s actively either responded to a meme i sent, responded to a message ive sent, replied to something regarding mally herself, has actually written with me, written a starter for me from my liking a starter call, has at least liked a starter i wrote for them to awknowedge it exists, all that jazz, i have a lot of open field so it’s not just a possible tumblr didnt let them no option anymore, because i send memes to everyone who posts them that i see. I reply to most peoples ooc posts. I like most starter calls I pass by. I try my darndest to actually interact bc i know how it feels to be ignored and its… i’ve been called one before so i’m using the word, thats fluffing cunty behavior, and honestly if you complain about not being interacted with but never even try when i try with you, ya being cunty, end of. I gotta list. That list only entails Mally because she’s who I care about the most. I’m probably gonna start instilling a new rule in all my blogs that if you ignore Mally and/or Darcy( @tasedandconfused ), since I would say they’re my two main blogs tho darcy gets ignored even more than mally does, probably bc i denied canon and left it entirely we know fandom hates that, if either of them is ignored then… Ya out of luck, I’m gonna unfollow you. I’m debating soft blocking everyone who ignored me on both of them but I don’t want to like be mean and deny the chance to eventually try again but at the same time i shouldnt feel bad for taking a stand and saying this is bullsheet, idk my anxiety says im awful for giving a fluff about myself but also i should give a fluff about myself probably, ive nearly died in the last three months, my brain almost exploded, i just had three root canals on one corner of my face, i have to potentially get surgery on my inner ear which i cant even afford, i dont got time to deal with only being used for like smut memes or like as a resource blog or utter bs like that, i dont got time for it. So new rules here. 1: If Mally or Darcy are not acknowledged, written with, responded to, viewed as more than just their fluffing bodies? ya dropped, im unfollowing, potentially soft blocking, which means blocking and unblocking for those not in the know, on all accounts I follow you on. Every single one. I know most of my muses are on sideblogs but despite not being able to send memes from sideblogs you can block people from sideblogs fun fact, i will do that if i have to. 2: I’m gonna be posting SCs, PCs, memes, etc. I like and respond to plotting calls, starter calls, i send memes, all of that. If I don’t get any response within.. I’m giving one week for people who don’t run on a queue and a month and a half to people on a queue based system, if i dont get anything within that time like at least an im being like ‘its posted’ or ‘its queued i wanted to let you know in case tumblrs a fluffbutt’ (i do this sometimes if i dont get even just a like on the starters i post so i at least know people saw it since i know tumblrs bs, i wait until the day they’re active to do so in case theyre busy yknow) basically i need acknowledgment at all. No you can’t claim this is abt follower count bc when you unfollow someone they inevitably unfollow you too, thats gonna drop my following, not as quickly as soft blocking would but i wanna be fair i guess, which leads to: 3: I’m basing this on your activity too, like if i like a think and you’re gone for a month after that its fine, im not gonna unfollow you unless you never come back or youre online and posting others just not mine because that tells me youre specifically ignoring me and im gonna drop you for that end of. I’m done with the bullsheet im done w the dillish behavior, i love friendship but if im giving and never receiving thats extremely one way and not gonna work. I check through my follow list weekly and i go back about five-10 pages on someones feed before i unfollow them to see their actual activity and see if theyre here or if its a q so. I’m thorough basically. 4: You dont have to be active with me on all your blogs, i mean i’d prefer it but thats hard as fluff so essentially if you have like five blogs and are just like trying w me on two or three thats fine. Ten blogs, four or five with at least a plot formed is cool. Multis just one muse is all I’d need. I’m not gonna unfollow the blogs youre not writing w me on if you at least write w me on some. Again, specifically Mally and/or Darcy. If you ignore both of them, we’re done. I havent been active on darcy because of being ignored and its a huge butt mess and im just tired i wanna use my babies, you don’t get to have my ‘better’ muses like i know a lot of ppl only follow me for my boys or my villains, you don’t get them if you ignore my baby. But, there is a limit there too. 5: If you never respond to a meme or thread even once with Mally or Darcy, or post a starter, i reply, its never replied to again after a month, I’m unfollowing and/or soft blocking for that too. Bc that means youre just raising my hopes to fluff with me or get someone else and honestly, youre even more cunty than than the people just flat out ignoring me if you do that. And this isnt a specific person, this is five of the people actually on my list. Yes, my list is also annotated with specifics again I was very thorough on this yesterday, I hyperfixated I’ll admit it, I’m in a fluffing depressionary bubble and being told to get over it because people want something they dont deserve to have to. I am a believer that people deserve good things but if youre purposefully being cunty… no you dont. 6: No I’m not releasing my list, maybe I will and I’ll omit the urls because I don’t want people being buttholes to each other too but otherwise, yall not seeing it im not giving a callout because… really thats just unnecessary here. I don’t think yall are toxic people or something i just think yall are unintentionally being cunty. And no I don’t mean everyone that follows me i mean the ppl that add up to what i’ve documented so far and fit the bill of butthat that i’ve shown, its behaviors yall gotta check before ya wreck. Yes there will be some people who have priority, everyone has those people, I write w kathryn on other platforms since she doesnt go on here as often but when Kathryn returns from war here (if she does cause she also agrees most ppl on this platform are cunty, i feel really bad saying that word so often but im gonna keep doing it i recently deleted an ask saying I was a huge cunt for not sending someone smut memes when I didn’t even follow them or know they existed so, again the travesty of this place is nutballers) same with owly, alex is here too, my most active partners are always going to be priority because theyre the ones who show the most interest and the most care. I understand that with others as well which is why I have the timeframe set up, because I want to be as open and shizz as possible while atill being firm i guess. I don’t want to have extreme double standards like its impossible for double standards not to exist at least a little bit but I want to avoid a golden chest full of them I guess. 7: I don’t have a seven rn, this was an even number and it bothered me. Seven is nust my warning that I’m bittery writing this on mobile so formatting is not real but i tried my dandest to make this look like something people might actually mind. I dont want to be butty, i dont want to be awful, i dont want to start drama or have drama but that shizz comes around anyways so i might as well make my space as okay for me as i can cause im supposed to avoid stress so my brain doesnt almost explode again, like again i almost fluffing died i dont need ppl fake being my friend or anything, i want stuff to be real and clear. I want to be happy to be on here again and have fun like i used to since my health is plummetting and I’m not allowed to go outside near plants by myself anymore because i welt up. I have plants outside my work place and im surrounded by chemicals all day long I’m welted from here to new york constantly and never comfortable in my own skin because of it and constantly see people online acting like these actual real problems are pretentious because ‘its an excuse’ when, im a fluffing sagittarius, do you know how much i want to magically be a millionaire so i can pay for friends and my own medical stuff and go on traveling and adventures, be outside probably not camping bc as a pagan i know thats a death sentence but like be outside, lay on grass, go back to swimming because i used to swim competitively and due to health reasons i can barely even go in a pool anymore because theres too much sunlight which, bit plot twist i know, im fluffing allergic to vitamin D and the rays of the sun, so go figure, attempts to be healthy kill me more, i also cant eat most plants and am constantly dying from just eating food, they dont know whats wrong with me. i cant fix it by going ve/gan for a month inf act i tried and it almost made my heart stop thanks society. These arent excuses these are the lives of disabled and diseased and to a lesser but still very real point, ethnic lives every fluffing day. This is real shit and its murder and online and gaming? It may be all I have soon since I can’t just go out and make new friends cause, again, I’d fluffing die. I get sick going to the mall or the movie theater, I miss theme parks so much but have to minimize it to weeks i dont have work so i dont get fired for having a welt while working in the beauty industry. I may have to get a degree online and change my field entirely because of my illness that nobody understands. People even make fun of it constantly online and I wish I could just drop online entirely because of how unbelievably ableist the entirety of the world is, i wish i could drop humans in general for their ableism, but i cant. I don’t have choices in most cases, but throwing away people who maybe purposefully maybe unintentionally thats why i’m giving you this warning and will be repeating this warning for awhile, this is where i have choice. I have to use what little choice I have in life while I can since everytime i go to movies or a concert or a theme park i almost die because of not having an immune system that functions or being in certain air qualities pr being near plants or unclean people, I may not have much time and I gotta do whats best for what little mental health I have, and if that means dropping people i care about and really want to write with and do things with but who ignore me then, i guess so be it.

[eredeha-a]

MOBILE RULES.

Please look these over if you plan on interacting with me and understand that most of these are in place for my own personal comfort and well being to write on this blog. I’m fairly chill and love making new friends, so these are never meant to cause any form of intimidation. If you have any questions or concerns, you are more than welcome to contact me and we can work things out.

001. Let’s get this out of the way that first and foremost, do not interact if you support any of the isms ( racism, sexism, ableism, etc. ) Don’t interact if you’re homophobic, transphobic, etc. I don’t have time to deal with intolerance on this site, we’re not doing it.

002. Literacy is something that I come to expect with us being writers. It doesn’t have to be perfect by any means, I make plenty of mistakes myself, I’m aware. So long as I can understand what’s going on in the response, I’m fairly chill. English is rough man, I get it. Do your best, it’s all I ask. 003. I’m not extremely active on any of my blogs. This is something that’s extremely important for me to point out. I’m always around to share things, make posts, etc. What I mean by saying this is that writing is difficult for me sometimes, so there are days where even if I want to, I can’t really get anything out. So, I vibe and focus on plotting instead.

Please come to expect that I might not always be around to respond to something, my attention span makes it difficult to focus sometimes and write every single day; I’m primarily around when the urge to write is strong but do much better with plotting and THRIVE off of it!

If you feel that I might have forgotten about a thread of ours, you may ask me about it and remind me! Chances are that I did just forget to respond and will try to get it out when I can! There are times where I’m active for days, there are times where I may be away for weeks. Just know I don’t abandon my blogs unless the muse completely dies out, this hardly happens. You’re more than welcome to softblock if this is something that doesn’t blend well with what you’re after. It’s understandable, do what you gotta!

004. Drama is something I’m absolutely tired of. There are people who make me uncomfortable and if you find yourself blocked, chances are it’s due to the fact you interact with these people who I need to curate my personal space from. I’m not going to name drop here, like I said, I’m too tired and those who need to know are in the know.

Don’t drag me into your drama, you can vent to me just fine but the moment you try to make me be involved is the moment I’m over it. My rule of thumb when it comes to callouts and other issues is if the drama is more than a year old, you get a clean slate. Unless something presents itself to prove otherwise.

005. This blog is multi-ship friendly. I’m always a sucker for different dynamics to explore. Romance, Rivals, Friends, Family, whatever type of dynamic you’d like to work out – chances are I’m going to be down for! Unless my verse is specially made with your muse, I’ll more than likely be dabbling with multiple ships for each verse.

Please do not try and force a ship on me. Sometimes muses and writing styles don’t blend well, it happens! But I will in no way tolerate force shipping and will more than likely only be shipping with close friends who I trust to begin with.

006. My blog does practice mains and exclusives, depending on the muse. These people take priority with replies. Exclusives will be the only version of that character I’ll write with for that muse ( but we can talk about other muse dynamics or connections and vibe! ) and mains will take priority, but the muse will interact with others of that same character.

That said, this blog is very much multi-wol friendly and will interact with various warrior of lights, though it should be stated that Koharu is my default and canon WOL for Kaia who my muse defaults to in most threads and replies.

007. This blog is NOT SPOILER FRIENDLY and will have spoilers posted throughout but will be tagged accordingly, please see to this post for which tags you need to have blacklisted if you’re new to the game / still progressing through the latest MSQ content. 

I will primarily be spoiler tagging the latest releases of where we are in the game by the time you’re looking through these rules. Things from earlier expansions ( primarily ARR - SB ) will only have the major plot spoilers tagged. Everything else is fair game by this point, please proceed with caution.

008. Mature themes are to be expected on this blog. Expect them on here and properly tagged as trigger*, if you need a specific trigger tagged; let me know and I’ll make sure to do such for your safety! FFXIV deals with some triggering content so please proceed at your own risk and remember, curate your space as you need to.

I will ensure to do my part and tag any primary triggers that I can think of but if there’s something you need tagged, content ranging from war, trauma, abuse, torture, gore, and other dark themes which could be potentially triggering for people. 

Kaia’s horny on main and smut will more than likely be present on the dash. Sexual scenarios will likely be present on the blog as a result and will be tagged, that said I am only comfortable with writing out these settings with close friends who I have established muse connections with and am super selective for personal comfort.

009. Unless such is otherwise stated and credit is provided on the piece, any and all forms of art and writing has been done by me and is not to be saved or used without any type of expressed consent. Such will often be said on the post if it’s safe for reblog or not.

Please do not reblog or take any of the art that I have commissioned for my character. Roleplay partners are the exception to this, especially if their muse is incorporated in the original art piece that’s been posted.

Likes and comments are always fine!

010. Speaking of credit, it will always be given where credit is due!

Theme.

Credits Page.

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

Hello Tash. I`m the anon girl who asked about confused feeling towards actor. You can find last submission by using hashtag “actor” or through the archive. I want to continue about my feelings toward him.

I just didn`t like what he did when he was young in his acting career but two supportive roles were good. I understand that when you`re young, you`re ready for everything and that`s okay. But 5 years ago he changed himself, slightly grew up and his roles became different perhaps he started to think logically. Now he looks better than in his youth ages.Also he only appeared on-screen for 5 minutes in one blockbuster, it was real blast and his character became my crush.

His country was affected so much by pandemic and I’m worried that he'll star in some stupid movie or TV series and he will cry again (I suppose it`s Finn. ancestry) but I’ll wait for him in blockbuster. So I keep my fingers crossed.

I’m not in love with him, but my heart started to beat faster when I searched his photos and wanted to check his social networks a month ago. Another actor makes me feel warm and smile while searching some stuff with him. What is that? I don’t think this feeling it`s going to be last longer :(

hi there :) I think Bonnie answered your last message, but I’m happy to reply to this one for you. if you did want a reply from Bonnie, just resend this submission and address it to her ♥

my honest thoughts though? cut all ties with this actor -- stop watching his films, unfollow his social media accounts, avoid google searching him. this isn’t healthy anymore, it sounds like it’s starting to affect you in a negative way and you have some unrealistic expectations about someone you don’t know personally. 

people do change, people do grow up? acting is his career -- it may be something he genuinely enjoys and has a passion for and that’s great, but it’s still his main source of income and he’s gotta make financial decisions based on that. if he wants to star in “some stupid movie or tv series” then he’s 110% free and allowed to do that, if he accepts a role where he cries on screen then good for him! it’s his life, his career, if it pays well then it’s not our place to judge. generally the only time it’s acceptable to judge actors is when their role in a film negatively contributes to real-world harm like racism or homophobia or ableism (eg. Sia’s casting decisions in the film Music, James Corden in The Prom, etc). 

maybe he’s showing more of his true self through unfiltered social media posts and comments, I’m not sure. you’re completely allowed to disagree with the way someone behaves on social media! but if that’s how you feel then you either accept that this is who they are or move on and let them go. as Bonnie mentioned in her earlier reply to you though, you need to separate the actor from their paid casting roles.

I’m not exactly sure what your reaction means about this other actor? if they make you happy then that’s great, just don’t get too attached to them. it’s ok to have celeb crushes or fantasies, there’s nothing wrong with that! but you always need to acknowledge and remember that you really don’t know this guy personally. if they start to have a negative impact on you, then it’s time to create some distance and focus your energy elsewhere for a while. all the best <3

- tash

[911firefox]

So, I had a whole reply and tumblr nerfed it (rude) because I got a notification. Gotta love this app huh? So attempt 2:

I agree with all of what you're saying. It's such an important thing to show a disabled child thriving and being loved and accepted.

And not just by his father. In all the crush talks, not a single person questioned 'but can he dance' and also no 'a crush? Oh I hope he manages his expectations/isn't crushed if they aren't OK with his CP' which are things I've heard in other shows and even children shows before. It's othering even if it's not intended to be. It assumes things will go bad because of his CP, no matter what. Here though, there is no questions like that it's just accepted and I loved that.

And the crush talk, I adored the gender neutrality of the discussions too. And the main story we got surrounding crushes and first kisses was Hen's which made the point of sexuality and discovery. This isn't assuming what they planned for Chris but the lack of assumption is great, it continues the idea that Christopher can be and is whoever he wants to be without the pressure of preconceptions.

And I too never doubted they would portay this well. When I first started viewing I would be nervous because so many shows do things badly and create a very one sided, often tragic (and ableism led) narrative but with Christopher we don't get that. There are moments an dcharacters that made me wince but they were all to serve the plot. Ana's ableism helped show how she was a wrong fit for Christopher as well as Eddie even if Chris liked her. Eddie has had moments or doubts himself but in order for him to learn to be the best parent to Chris that he can be. It's all part of the story telling and ther telling it well and responsibly imo.

So a long time ago I stopped worry and just trust that Christopher will be treated correctly in the show. They've said before they draw on Gavin's life as inspiration and that is huge, it bases Chris in reality rather than assumptions of the ablebodied. And gives viewers who don't often interact with people like us an insight that isn't the usual pity party.

And that long ramble was to say I loved what they showed us.

Also tagging @yelenasbuddie because banding together the disabled 911 gang is fun :)

Chris is just such a huge milestone for disability rep and I might be sobbing about it for eternity.

This storyline could have played out so many different ways and it did GOOD.

He gets to go to the school party. He doesn't get bullied (!!!). He HAS A CRUSH. (Also, different note: gender-neutral!) When discussing said crush there's no "aw cute, disabled kid has a crush :3" or something. It's just "Uh. My child is being a teen?! No?! Welp?!"

But also. ALSO. That second scene. Expections when you're disabled/have a disabled child are different. Different milestones. Thank you for acknowledging that.

And the best part is I never doubted that they would do it justice. Because they keep giving.

[liggytheauthoress]

emeraldincandescent replied to your post: gotta love almost having an emotional meltdown in...

You okay hon?

putting this under a read more bc a) it will probably be long and b) there will be mentions of talk of child abuse and ableism

OKAY SO we started class today talking about gender roles and how they’ve been enforced/perceived in the past - standard shit, i was super ready to get into it

and somehow one of the things that came up was how women, since they’ve always been seen as the primary caregiver in our society, tend to have an advantage in custody battles (which, i don’t think that’s true? like at all??)

and my professor apparently decided that we needed an example

so she starts talking about a case that she personally worked with a little girl who was being abused by her mom and some of the things the girl told her and how the court case went and just

a) that’s basically illegal???? like what the fuck you don’t divulge shit like that, i don’t care if you didn’t use names you don’t fucking do that. especially when it’s a minor.

b) okay you could have made your point by just saying “yeah i’ve seen it in court firsthand” and left it at that but no you had to go into fucking details about some of the stuff the abusers did - like, graphic details

and she said all that shit mostly bc she was talking about how shit child protective and social services in this state are which i absolutely think is something that needs to be addressed but not. like. that.

AND THEN she started talking about ANOTHER case involving a girl who was mentally ill and the discussion digressed into how the mentally ill aren’t taken care of properly either, and one guy was like “oh yeah i’d totally just keep her sedated all day”

i literally called him on it later and he was like “yeah i was being a smartass” guess what asshole i don’t fucking care you don’t fucking say shit like that especially when you are within punching distance of me

by the end of class i was holding back tears and wanting to throw up and i almost left a couple of times - still not sure why i didn’t

and my friend asked me afterwards if i was okay and i wanted so badly to tell him no i’m not but i knew that if i did i would start bawling in the middle of the hallway and i didn’t want that

so i got to the car and told my mom and just lost it

i’m crying again now i’m just. my mood has been shit for the past few weeks and i was already feeling a little down after philosophy class bc that professor brought up racism and steve bannon and shit and this was just. too much.