#gotta get that dopamine somehow right?

[pizzaqueen]

I could be writing but, instead, I’m going back and forth between refreshing my dash and my activity 🙈

[wifeyoozi]

ot13 seventeen : backstage quickie

seungcheol : it took one pout from you after you saw him all dressed up in that sexy purple suit and slicked back red hair for him to pull you aside in an empty restroom. Didn't even bother taking off his clothes, just pulled down the zipper and took his dick out and railed you pinned to the wall. Precisely 15 minutes later he was scolded by the stylist for messing up the hair and getting all sweaty over the make up.

Jeonghan : he'd been making out with you right there in front of everyone, shamelessly, holding you down on his lap and grinding against you. Someone (seungkwan) begged him to get a room and not cum all over his pants in front of everyone.

Joshua : he'd gotten so horny thinking of how he'd be able to fuck you all night after concert since it was the last day and had a very embarrassingly visible tent in his pocket. He'd call you backstage and scurried you off to an abandoned room to have you up on his cock.

Junhui : the concert was starting in exactly 10 minutes and he had his fingers knuckle deep in you in the restroom. He knew everyone had been searching for him to get on his position but he also refused to let go of you undone.

Hoshi : it was just a simple good luck kiss which turned into deep kissing which turned into heated make out which turned into him ramming his dick in you as fast as possible which turned into the manager and stylist scolding him for the mess he's made of himself.

Wonwoo : he wasn't even that horny when he pulled you into the janitor's closet and lifted your skirt up and started scissoring you to prep you for his dick. He just thought the orgasm-induced endorphin and dopamine release would make him more energetic for the stage. And it was probably one of the best performances he's ever given, thanks to you.

Woozi : it wasn't his fault when you came into the green room wearing that tight red leather mini skirt to wish him goodluck, that too paired with the hot red lipstick. He's brain is just associated you wearing anything red with sex enough for his dick to come back to life immediately and having you take care of him backstage.

minghao : he was usually very self-composed and has a good control over his dick. But he is, at the end of the day, a man. And seeing you wink and openly flirt with him in front of everyone sends heat directly to his crotch. And since you caused it, you gotta sort it. He'll find you an empty room, lock it and sit on any available chair, giving you the liberty to sate his arousal however you can.

Mingyu : fucking before shows is a ritual. If he can't fuck you before show, he'll be (secretly) sulky the whole time. He's very adamant about blowing your back and filling you full of cum and have you keep that cum in you till the show ends.

seokmin : the first time he did it, he was so nervous, wanting to get done as quickly and quietly as possible. After a few times, he's confident enough to fuck you at his pace without having you shut up. If anyone hears, it's their problem to be wandering around unused changing rooms.

Seungkwan : he loooves the part where he fucks you. Gives him the energy pump needed to be the greater entertainer on the stage he is. Loves eating you out, your juices are his lucky potion. What he hates tho is when everyone started teasing him after he's come out of the restroom with you, all messed up. If the stylist scolds him, he'll whined and somehow pass the blame on you. Tho nothing will stop him from doing it again.

Vernon : I think unironically the only smart one because he'll have you suck him instead of getting in your puss cuz that's the least messy way to do it. He initially only did it that way to avoid cleaning up mess after but realised this way no one scolds him after he goes missing for some time for messing up his hair and outfit and make up.

Chan : excited and agrees immediately when you ask him for a quickie and steal him to the restroom. Locks you two in a restroom stall and sits on the bathroom seat before you ride him. You have to cover his mouth when you hear someone enter, for it to turn out to be the leader calling him to get his make up done immediately. He calls out five minutes in a shaky voice and you have to hurry yourself on him to get you both orgasm immediately.

Bonus : cheol scolded chan for not using condoms in the heat of the moment when he knows of it. How he knows of it? That's cheol's business how he looks after his kids.

[perspectivestarters]

Perspective's Sentence Starters; The Tortured Poets Department by Taylor Swift (Part II)

GUILTY AS SIN?

I hadn't heard it in a while.

My boredom's bone deep.

This cage was once just fine.

Am I allowed to cry?

I dream of cracking locks.

Crashing into him tonight, he's a paradox.

I'm seeing visions.

Am I bad, or mad, or wise?

What if he's written "Mine" on my upper thigh only in my mind?

Oh, what a way to die.

I keep recalling things we never did.

Without ever touching his skin, how can I be guilty as sin?

There's no such thing as bad thoughts, only your actions talk.

We've already done it in my head.

Why does it feel like a vow we'll both uphold somehow?

What if I roll the stone away?

They're gonna crucify me anyway

What if the way you hold me is actually what's holy?

They don't know how you've haunted me so stunningly.

I choose you and me, religiously.

WHO'S AFRAID OF LITTLE OLD ME?

You don’t get to tell me about sad.

If you wanted me dead you should’ve just said.

Nothing makes me feel more alive.

Who’s afraid of little old me?

You don’t get to tell me you feel bad.

Is it a wonder I broke?

Let’s hear one morе joke.

Then we could all just laugh until I cry.

I was tame, I was gentle till the circus life made me mean.

Don’t you worry folks, we took out all her teeth.

So tell me everything is not about me, but what if it is?

Say they didn’t do it to hurt me, but what if they did?

I wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me.

You wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me.

All you kids can sneak into my house with all the cobwebs.

I’m always drunk on my own tears, isn’t that what they all said?

I’ll sue you if you step on my lawn.

I’m fearsome, and I’m wretched and I’m wrong.

Put narcotics into all of my songs and that’s why you’re still singing along.

You lured me and you hurt me and you taught me.

You caged me and then you called me crazy.

I am what I am 'cause you trained me.

I CAN FIX HIM (NO REALLY I CAN)

The smoke cloud billows out his mouth like a freight train through a small town.

The jokes that he told across the bar were revolting and far too loud.

God, help her.

I told them he's my man

I can fix him, no, really, I can.

The dopamine races through his brain on a six-lane Texas highway.

His hands so calloused from his pistol softly traces hearts on my face.

I could see it from a mile away.

A perfect case for my certain skill set.

He had a halo of the highest gradе.

He just hadn't met me yеt.

Good boy, that's right.

Come close.

I'll show you Heaven if you'll be an angel, all mine.

Trust me, I can handle me a dangerous man.

LOML

Who's gonna stop us from waltzing back into rekindled flames?

We were just kids, babe.

I don't mind, it takes time.

I thought I was better safe than starry-eyed.

I felt a glow like this, never before and never since.

If you know it in one glimpse, it's legendary.

You said I'm the love of your life.

You took me to hell too.

A con man sells a fool a "get love quick" scheme.

I felt a hole like this, never before and ever since.

What we thought was for all time was momentary.

Mr. Steal-Your-Girl, then make her cry.

You shit-talked me under the table.

I wish I could unrecall how we almost had it all.

It was legendary.

It was momentary.

It was unnecessary.

Should've let it stay buried.

What a valiant roar.

What a bland goodbye.

The coward claimed he was a lion.

I'm combing through the braids of lies.

Our field of dreams engulfed in fire.

I'll still see until I die.

You're the loss of my life.

I CAN DO IT WITH A BROKEN HEART

I can read your mind.

She's having the time of her life.

I can show you lies.

I'm a real tough kid.

I can handle my shit.

They said, "Babe, you gotta fake it till you make it" And I did.

Lights, camera, bitch, smile.

He said he'd love me all his life.

All the piеces of me shatterеd as the crowd was chanting "More".

I was grinnin' like I'm winnin'.

I can do it with a broken heart.

I'm so depressed, I act like it's my birthday every day.

I'm so obsessed with him, but he avoids me like the plague.

I cry a lot, but I am so productive, it's an art.

You know you're good when you can even do it with a broken heart.

I can hold my breath.

I've been doing it since he left.

I keep finding his things in drawers.

I didn't imagine the whole thing.

'Cause I'm miserable and nobody even knows.

THE SMALLEST MAN WHO EVER LIVED

Was any of it true?

Who the fuck was that guy?.

Now you know what it feels like

I don't even want you back.

I don't miss what we had.

Could someone give a message to the smallest man who ever lived?

You didn't measure up in any measurе of a man

Were you sent by someone who wanted me dead?

Did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed?

Were you writing a book?

Were you a sleeper cell spy?

In fifty years will all this be declassified?

You'll confess why you did it and I'll say, "Good riddance".

It wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden.

I would've died for your sins, instead I just died inside.

You deserve prison, but you won't get time.

You said normal girls were "boring", but you were gone by the morning.

You kicked out the stage lights, but you're still performing.

You are what you did.

I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive.

THE ALCHEMY

This happens once every few lifetimes.

These chemicals hit me like white wine.

What if I told you I'm back?

The hospital was a drag.

Worst sleep that I ever had.

I circled you on a map.

I haven't come around in so long.

I'm coming back so strong.

Ditch the clowns, get the crown.

Baby, I'm the one to be.

The sign on your heart said it's still reserved for me.

Honestly, who are we to fight thе alchemy?.

Hey, you, what if I told you we'rе cool?

That child's play back in school is forgiven under my rule.

I'm making a comeback to where I belong

We've been on a winning streak.

There was no chance trying to be the greatest in the league.

He just comes, running over to me.

CLARA BOW

All your life, did you know, you'd be picked like a rose?

I'm not trying to exaggerate, but I think I might die if it happened to me.

No one in my small town thought I'd see the lights of Manhattan.

This town is fake but you're the real thing.

Take the glory, give everything.

Promise to be dazzling.

The crowd goes wild at her fingertips.

No one in my small town thought I'd meet these suits in LA.

You're the real queen.

You're the new god we're worshipping.

Beauty is a beast that roars down on all fours demanding more.

Only when your girlish glow flickers just so.

It's hell on earth to be heavenly.

Them's the brakes, they don't come gently.

You've got edge, she never did.

The future's bright, dazzling.

[whataboutsimple]

I am obsessed with your AU genuinely keep up the good work!! I gotta read a bunch but I'll catch up soon 👍👍

(PS: anything on Ivor or the old order we haven't heard about or you'd like to share? :3)

Two asks in less than an hour.. my brain is melting from all the hyperfixation and dopamine it gets.. THANKSSSS SO MUCH FOR ASKING!

I have so many info about those sillies, that I can write a whole book with a single thought! Mostly because these AU focuses on Gabriel and Jason, as well as on people around them.

Let's get it all into small pieces for more comfortable reading:

When they were younger, the first two to become friends were surprisingly Magnus and Soren! Basically Magnus was in this bully gang and acted as a bad "guy", but he was a harmless prankster. The Gang focused on bullying someone like Soren bc he obviously was an easy target. It didn't took Magnus long to scare them away from pumpkin head. Since then he became Soren's problem.

The third member of their group were Ellegaard. Yet another nerd. She got into school at age of 11, while home studying till that moment. Soren and Ellegaard got along too fast, always sitting in library, and since Magnus was always waving around Soren, he got to know her as well.

Ivor came year later. He and his family moved into those little town called Upperhills due to his father business. Since he is a smart cookie, soon enough he got Soren's and Ellegaard's attention since they were always Top1 and now what? This random boy thinks he can outsmart them? Funny! This lil competition Ivor was unaware off lead to all of them bonding over books and dreams of adventures.

Last one: Gabriel. He just.. appeared one day? In Upperhills. Somehow people loved him. Like a lot. He was always so helpful for adults, very friendly with someone his age, and showed a lot of "brother like" love for kids. He didn't go to school though. Home studying. So the group didn't get a big chance to know him better. At least for now.

Gabriel WAS a part of Tempset family. Seven children including Gabriel and all are adopted. The family wasn't bad, but at the same time there's not enough you could tell about them.. Gabriel was second oldest and his older brother Scott was a part of another bully group. An older bully group. So they casually wrapped Gabriel in their hands.

Not pleasant news for our gang! But Gabriel somehow managed not only not bully them, but.. make them stop? Like what? Okay, that's interesting. Magnus is too curious. He can't keep his nose to himself. And even if Soren tells him not to test his luck- oh, okay, nevermind, he already approached Gabriel.

Wait, what do you mean we all are now friends with this Mr. Angel? No way, Right?

Yep, that's how they all got together! Even though Gabriel usually was spending time working or studying, he still kept contact with our gang.

Sometimes Magnus climbed into his second floor window and stayed the night because he couldn't handle his father's behavior. Sometimes it was Ivor because he was lonely.

Soren and Ellegaard often ran away from home in night to their tree house in the forest to watch the stars in silence. They had a lot in common when it came to their parents. The best was always expected of them, so they understood each other like no one else did.

The little competition between Ivor, Soren and Ellegaard got even worse when they found out about Gabriel's marks. Straight A's? How's that even possible?! Of course, he studies from home, it's easier! What do you mean he studies by himself and passes exams each month?

Magnus got lost at the moment after Ellegaard appeared, but you know what? He loves his nerds. And he loves Gabriel, because he's the only one who doesn't eat books. Like c'mon can y'all chill for a sec?

Soren has a little sister named Aster, meanwhile Ivor has little sister named Grace and he had little brother. Magnus has little sister named Susan!

When it comes to Gabriel.. big brother Scott, younger sister Sam, younger brother Chris, and little siblings Ash and Ashley!

I think that's enough for now! Though if you want more, I'm always here to tell you every little detail! I tried to not spoiler much though.

Thanks for asking again! It really melts my brain and heart!<3

[sanddusted-wisteria]

Doodle Dump, 1/2024 - 4/2024 (part 1)

So uh...I haven't posted as much on here ever since like, the beginning of this year. Instead, I've been doodling like mad over on the OTAS server and have completely neglected to post any of that over here alsdkjalk. So here's most of the doodles I've done, oldest to newest :> (with wild variations in quality,.,,, a lot's changed in my art skillz in 6 months)

[VERY long post below]

A staring contest, ft. @florisam 's Onyx and @illusidy 's Aerie...queens of the death stare.

Thank @/florisam for this one lol

After a body swap AU where Wis swaps with Qi...Wis has to do manual labor with Qi's wimpy wet noodle caffeine dependent body and Qi's def not taking proper care of Wis's body either... probably doesn't put her hair up if he works with a burner or corrosive chemicals aldkfjl

from a superhero/villain AU, wis is neither hero nor villain...she's the civilian that somehow ends up at the epicenter of every super battle and takes advantage of that by becoming a hero/villain accountant 😂

started drawing some more outfits for Wis, but I never finished them. Will probably get back to these a bit later.

and ofc she's gotta try on Qi's disaster outfit asd;lfkdjlrk

I made Wis a logo! Combined a sprig of wisteria with a pine cone, for her workshop, Fresh Pines. Also made a possible combo logo for her and Qi. Y'know, in case they ever make that multistage rocket + launchpad they've been dreaming about...

Wis would be stoked to get her new stamps :>

Wis as a butler in a maid cafe AU...that I do not have the space or time to fully outline the extent of the chaos within... (inquire in the OTAS server for more info asdlkjlrkadf) Also the first time I drew Wis's clone sisters (which I am aware that I haven't introduced at all on tumblr...I wouldn't blame you if you forgot that Wis is a clone 😂 but SOON I promise)

Ft. @spookemsdukems 's "Builder", it's the mystery gorls! No one really knows where they came from. Well, they know. But they're sure as hell not gonna tell you... (ehhh well wis might tell you about herself if you're friends lol)

asdlfklj based on a quote from an incorrect quotes generator

Initial concepts for one of Wis's clone sisters, the one that ended up in Duvos! Eugh the attempt at a waist up in the bottom right corner still haunts me asdlkfjlkjd Also note that that's not what a real prosthetic AK peg leg would look like, I did these without any real research 💀

Ft. @sunstream7 's Val...no explanation needed i think alsdkfja;sdlkrj

An idea I had about a romance/post-marriage gift that Qi could give you: a necklace with dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin that he managed to synthesize...the neurotransmitters of love <3

Love is the Solution: A special necklace given to you by Qi. The little vial contains a mix of neurotransmitters--the mixture of love. Even though they're trapped inside the vial, when you put it on, you swear you can feel them surging through your nerves all the same. Stamina +15

And I've hit the image limit so this is the end of part 1 a;sldkrjlkjlakfj

[purpdaderp]

could you do a hobie x reader where he and his s/o just chilling and the conversation somehow turns to tickling? they’re asking if he is and he’s like;

“i don’t believe in that” before lunging at y/n and absolutely wrecking them while saying shit like

“i can’t believe you’re laughing like this.” while he has the biggest smirk on his face.

could you do a hobie x reader where he and his s/o just chilling and the conversation somehow turns to tickling? they’re asking if he is and he’s like;

“i don’t believe in that” before lunging at y/n and absolutely wrecking them while saying shit like

“i can’t believe you’re laughing like this.” while he has the biggest smirk on his face.

Ler! Hobie x lee! Reader

Im not sure what you meant by the 3rd stanza so this might not be your exact request

"-and that's 'ow I got away with it" you and your boyfriend Hobie would just sit on the couch watching TV and tell stories commonly, he'd sometimes be playing the guitar you'd do what ever you do, it's the most comfortable feeling you two get with your boyfriend literally being an anarchist

"another great adventure of spider-punk and Captain anarchist." She giggles "I gotta start writing this stuff down." You say as you turn on the news, the story is about how tickling is good for reducing anxiety and stress because of dopamine released in the brain

"ey luv?" You hear hobie call you from your trance "Yeah? What's up?" You turn your body to look towards him, which unsurprisingly you see him half sprawled across the couch

"are you ticklish?" Alright y/n there's three ways to deal with this one, you defensively say no, causing suspicion, getting tickled in the end two, blatantly saying yes and getting tickled in the end or three act it out calmly and don't get all defensive.

"no, not really." PERFECT you said it bluntly and calmly no signs of oh crap I got stuff to hide, you look him in the eyes as you say it aswell. "Then ye wouldn't mind if I tested it out, right?" He's says in a somewhat teasing way... Crap "go for it." You realize you are really bad at this "I believe you." He says turning back to the TV, if there is one thank whatever God is out there. He turned to watch the TV as did you, it was a calm silence except hobie had the TV somewhat loud but then you felt a pair of hands squeezing your ribs. You let out a stifles chortle. "Hobie!" You half squeal out

"what? I thought you weren't ticklish?" He teases as he presses his nails into the divots of your ribs. "Nohohoho! STAHAHAHAP ihihihit!" You bat at his hands putting no real effort into stopping him

"but it seems you're enjoying this? You aren't really tryna stop me luv" he teases as he spiders his fingers down to your stomach "nohohoho! Nohohohot thehehere" you try and squirm away but he wraps his arms around you and puts you in a tickle hug

"then what about here? Or here? or maybe here?" He teases as he claws at different places on your stomach before he starts clawing at the sides of your stomach

"SPIHIHIDER!" You yell out the siderversal safe word tears in your eyes. He kisses your cheek and let's you lay on his chest

"what happened to not being ticklish?" He teases.

"shuhut up"

It told me I posted this an hour and a half ago

Spider verse requests

Other fandoms

[sugareey-makes-stuff]

I have no idea where this came from, but I decided to write a thing when I saw that Crimson_Fanfic_Writer_7 needed some cheering up and asked for Sterek, angst and hurt/comfort for TML's Drabble for Dopamine. This was honestly supposed to be 500 words, but somehow transformed into a mini monster of its own. Inspired by @whumptember's alternative prompts, "You don't deserve this." and "It should have been me." Mind the tags below. Title: The Walls Came Crashing Down (<- on AO3) Rating: Teen Ship: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski WC: 4.2k Tags: AU- Canon Divergence, Post-Kanima Arc, Post-Nogitsune Arc, SPN S1 Ep5 Bloody Mary, Urban Legends, Whump, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Stiles Stilinski, Hurt Jackson Whittemore, Lydia Martin Saves the Day, Derek Hale to the Rescue, Unconsciousness, Implied/Referenced Torture, Survivor Guilt, Regret, Blood and Injury, Panic Attacks, Crying, Canon-Typical Violence, Pack, Stiles Needs a Hug, Derek Hale Comforts Stiles, POV Stiles, Hopeful Ending Summary:

"Stop thinking so hard, or you’re going to bleed." Surely it couldn’t be—wasn’t his Pack supposed to be duking things out with vampires right now? But a very solid and reassuring hand squeezed his own. Grounding him. Holding on, as if to drain away his pain. There was only one person who always did this whenever he got hurt. "Derek?" Stiles whispered, his voice raw and scratchy. * [Or: A mission goes horribly wrong, and Stiles finally figures out where he stands with Derek.]

Okay, so this fic is different from what I usually lean toward. Yeah, I'm an angst and hurt/comfort person, but it's rare for me to write about the whumpier and bloodier things. Reading it is one thing, but writing it really makes you wonder about a lot (ie. how everything physical is tied in with all things mental and emotional), and making sure to double-check things like facts and tagging. Also, I've been wanting to write a Bloody Mary thing for...a decade? I don't even know...there's something about common myths and urban legends that's so interesting and eerie. Love the lore and the potential for all the suspense, mystery and action that can come out of each and every story. Throw in some hurt characters, and hey, I guess things gotta get bad before they get better? Feels that pull, that's what it's about. This really was a treat to write, lbh. And I will look for an excuse for Stiles and Derek to make each other feel better. They've seen some Stuff, and they 1000% deserve all the comfort and hugs. Anyway, something new for the fall and pre-spooky season. I hope you give this a read when you have a chance. Enjoy!

[streaminn]

Okay, so this is gonna sound extremely mentally unstable of me but just hold on…

So, I just woke up from what I’ve been calling my “creativity dreams” and we’re just ignore the fact that I slept in until like 1 in the afternoon okay??

Anyway, so I got a few good ideas from the dream like usual and I got like the best idea for Service Human!Wednesday lore

Btw, stream, I’m totally gonna become annoying af about this

Okay, so obviously we gotta get Wednesday to somehow be assigned as a “Service Human” to Enid, right? Well, how about instead of meeting as roommates, they meet through Wednesday’s therapist in the show? (note: obviously I don’t think she would be her therapist in this au, I just honestly can’t remember her name and don’t have the dopamine to try and find it)

I think there’d have to be a closer relationship between outcasts and normies, at least in Jericho. I know it’s a hard stretch and it could also require changing the entire history of the show but…

So, we have Enid going to therapy and find herself needing an emotional support human, maybe some misunderstandings from Thing and we get Wednesday assigned to this highly cheerful and far too bubbly werewolf who also has some deep seeded trauma and a whole lot of sensory issues

Yeah I think I gotta throw in the towel and just admit that I’m not mentally stable anymore lol

... Are you saying that this is such a big thing that people can actually be labeled as a emotional support human?

Thinking on it more, wouldn't an emotional support human just be your friends 😭 having someone give you a person sounds kinda sad

Like with pets it's understandable, but getting saddled with a person?? I feel like it'd be like being 'friends' with your therapist. Because in the end, it's all professional and it skirts the line of are they doing this because they like me or is it because it's their job?

Anyways, it's really interesting bud but I'm just wondering how Wednesday would even agree to this if they didn't meet through nevermore. Like I get it being a funny label you slap onto your roomie and Wednesday deals with it because dammit she is attached

But in the au setting? I don't really know about that because we know that Wednesday isn't interested in socializing unless its for her benefit and being someone's support, aka have someone dependent on her? Ehh doesn't sound like her forte. She didn't seem to enjoy pugsley's inability to support himself after all

[kafkaoftherubble]

宛如庄子梦蝶

“我是庄周梦到自己是蝴蝶，还是蝴蝶梦到自己是庄周？”

It was, after all, just a dream in the end. It isn't real.

I like dreams that make me feel happy and great, but I also know from our experience that what follows a good dream is often a bad day. Or at least, a disappointing day.

Yea, I know what you're thinking. Maybe the dream was so nice it set us up by raising our expectations. That's dopamine-rigging already; we are expecting rewards in spite of legitimate reasons to form such an expectation in the first place.

Yea, several of us have already hypothesized this. This is why I tried to keep my expectations low. It's just a dream! It's just a dream. The only thing that's real is this precious, rare type of happiness—the joy of getting something you secretly want but rarely grasp in the real world—that only rare dreams seem capable of providing. I tried to turn it into fuel for practice; feelings are impermanent, but if I can use it to propagate good effects...

Oh, it didn't work, of course! This is Lyndis we're talking about, after all. Most of the time, a lot of our efforts don't net us the results we had hoped to gain.

I mean, surely it's not a fault of "heightened expectation" if, say, you feel a bit of a crash from good feelings when your day starts with a passive-aggressive tract from the-other-person-in-the-house about why you keep "forgetting this" or "doesn't know how to take care of yourself" or "has your age even taught you how to act like an adult already"?

I pretended not to hear her for a while, and then I revealed I heard her by joking, "Wow, did you wake up this morning and decide to roast me for exercise? That's a lot of repressed complaints you've got there."

Did it matter what she said in response? Nah.

I wondered if we'd grown too attached if They could easily torment me by suggesting ways to see "for yourself" that ya know, the other person doesn't really care about you as much as you do.

How many times have we been down this thought already? Plenty of times, right? But why is it so hard to refute?

It's against our principles to wish for something against reality, but I wished the feelings from that dream weren't impermanent. In there, I was so assured that I was important to them, exactly as much as I valued them. But out here, suddenly, I'm not at all confident about the equivalence of values.

I wondered if my dream was a wistful one, after all. Why did it feel like I was falling short when they talked about someone else who was legitimately important to them? Why did hearing about someone yearning for someone else—because, again, they haven't seen each other for a while—somehow feel like a sting? Am I boring to them? Have I finally spoken so much that I'm finally annoying to them?

There's no reason to think this, and yet... while I so outwardly express how much they mean to me, and how much they occupy my thoughts, and how even a dream like that could make me so happy ( it's like I've finally gotten something we so rarely get)... the opposite didn't seem true, at least from our point of view. I don't feel as assured as I was in my dream. They are asking me questions I can't answer confidently.

The blackout on Monday, I think, made us realize something. A lot of the chatter after we recovered was about them. "Oh, will this worry them?" "Oh, will we inconvenience them if this happens in front of them?" "I gotta tell them this!" "I really hope I don't die so soon, because what about them?" "I'm scared and I wanna tell them that. I hope I can get some solace from them."

"Oh, but if they were worried or concerned, then why doesn't it feel that way?"

"What do you mean? Of course they are concerned!"

"Are you sure? They don't sound like that at all. They sound corporate, don't you think?"

"No, they don't! ...Right? Look, they just aren't good at expressing their feelings, man!"

"You're not good at that either, but man, you tried a shit fuck ton, don't you? You tried so fucking hard. You practiced a lot. You tried stringing so many types of words together. Tried to imagine how it'd sound to the other side so that they could feel what you're dying to get across, despite The Gap No One Had Been Able to Cross. But is the same effort coming from the other side?"

"You don't know that!"

"You don't know enough to refute me either."

"It won't hurt them even if you die in an accident, mate. That's very likely the truth."

"They will move on real easily. They have like, what, a shit ton of friends they value anyway. Best part is, they are all within meeting distance. Unlike you. At best, you're as real as a bunch of digital codes across the internet. Yall never grow up together. Yall never hung out together for real. You don't feel as real as their other friends. Real friends. You're like a chatbot with a human's history."

"Don't believe me? Look at who they dream of the most. It ain't you. It's this kickass dude they think highly of! Sounds like a way better conversational partner too. You know how much they wished they could be seen as a guy, and this dude, oh, he made them feel like a guy. Can you? ...Oh, I wish I could meet him and befriend him too! He sounds like a real personality with an interesting life and a way cooler future, hahaha!"

"Have you ever like, wondered if you got into their way for a lot of things? Like maybe they would have found someone better if it weren't for you getting in the way."

I think I'm clinging. Surely, the only reason why They could say something like this, knowing it definitely gets me, is because I've grown more attached than the First Lyn Who Started This had decided.

But how can I not cling? It's not like I want to. Blacking out for the second time, like that, with no build-up, and in public... that shit changed the most recent Lyns after it. It felt like at any time, I could just cease to exist. Mortality felt like it could happen in seconds, without warning. What if the next one is right next second, and this time, I don't recover? What if it happens while I'm asleep?

Oh, I confided about that, too. But they said, "Well, I think I'd rather die not knowing than being conscious. If that's how it's gonna be, then that's how it's gonna be."

But you don't have any fucking experience blacking out now, do you? You don't know how terrifying it is to be forcefully unconscious. Or to have your life terminated before you've done much. You don't think it's unfair because you're not like us; you're probably satisfied with how your life has been led thus far, and honestly, why won't you? You're not some failure the way we are. Imagine working so hard only to die a mediocre failure, unconscious, not even knowing you're dead. There ain't gonna be someone telling you 'Oh, hello Lyndis, you're dead now, but really, you sure were a useful person whose existence had benefitted many' because there ain't no afterlife. It's fucking silence, just like that blackout before the hallucinations kicked in! And then what would I have left behind? Nothing! I would have left behind nothing! Not a useful web of actions now, would it?

And so much of what I think about is you. But you won't think about me as much, will you?

So why am I clinging if I'm growing certain that you don't actually feel the same way as I do?

Oh, I know. It's because I really hope you're that one person I can feel the thing I felt in my dream.

But it's not doing you or me good. Worse, I'm afraid I'm going to suffocate you with all of this. This is not the kind of friend we wanted to be to you. This doesn't help improve your well-being, which is against our goal.

Could it be that, to actually improve your well-being, I have to put in more distance? Maybe other people being attached to you is good. But us being attached to you is not good. We have way too much baggage—as expected from someone who's been ghosting around for way too much of their life. This is what the Gap was for, isn't it? We're like a hungry ghost who has been hungry for so long that the first person kind enough to actually notice us and feed us becomes someone we want to swallow whole.

... Fuck, who the fuck sneak in that "Hikaru" comparison?! Goddamn it! This isn't fiction! ... I know it resonates, so what?! This entry isn't meant for anyone to read, so what's the point of drawing a fictional analogy?

I really hate that panel when he went to that auntie's house and talked about how he can totally take it because he's a monster, and then just sobbed on the table despite voicing some inclination to be detached from Yoshiki because "ughh, I don't want to be alone, ugghhhh. Yoshiki, ughhhhhhh." I hate it too, Previous Lyn.

I just hate how much I understand how he feels.

I actually hate "Hikaru" more than Kei sometimes. At least Kei was more like the Lyns in a more distant past, even if some of those traits lingered. But "Hikaru" feels too close to the ones we are now.

I really, really hate it.

[yimbulyn]

replacing the endless doom scrolling through social media with endless doom scrolling through pirated ebooks, gotta get that dopamine in somehow am i right

[fairymint-archive]

🎵🎵🎵 [Felix, Sans, andddd Shovel Knight?]

There's a Nico and Vinz song or two that kitty vibes with! the entirety of Imagine is one, he's very sweet natured.

on the flip side, trauma. Praying, hits so....very close to home. Misgendering included, in a troubled past.

Her momma believed that the devil had her dress on Her daddy believed that the needle was a highway

unfortunately these are both true. Take it for what it is, parents being a sensitive subject, for more.....mundane problems. Down to earth.

And too deep to save herself, she takes a pill that seems to help Close her eyes, forget she standing at the alter. So she's out on the town tonight with even less on So she powders her nose, cause the fire numbs the night pains

and then there's that trans allegory. That medication because of the realization that girl doesn't exist dude, not anymore. She's Gone. Along with those coping mechanisms, yo. That guilt that carries on relying on other boys, especially with said medication exacerbating it. Gotta have that dopamine somehow.

At some point you just might want to be independent, yeah? like, no wonder she left home and coincidentally, never came back. Bye bye child.

Sans and Shovel Knight do share a song, actually! Perhaps their ego issues, albeit for totally different reasons. Very Genuine guys, kinda shy.

This Feeling by the Chainsmokers is it. very much a theme of like....Judgement.

Sans is a good guy. He's a fantastic character, and it's like, no wonder people like him. He's popular. And, he is also, a fantastic judge of character. That's basically his purpose, functionally wise. So, along with any dramatic consequences of being associated with him and him trying to live up to his reputation and problems.....he knows what's good. Despite not being the most proactive at times.

Meanwhile, Shovel Knight might be projecting a lot of his fears; He gets very, very sad and gives up when things don't quite go right. But.....he's loyal, still, overall. A kind heart may be all it takes to keep him going! I find the 8 bit cover of the song vibing with his aesthetic, of course. As a single man, he worries about being judged as a fish person, haha.

[letsfluxshitup]

FLUX YOU MAD LAD YOU ACTUALLY DID IT!!! THE MARRIAGE CRACKFIC HYPE IS REAL AND THE REALITY DOES NOT DISAPPOINT!! i rly wanted 2 send u an ask as soon as I got the ao3 email but i held myself 2gether and actually read the current content like a Normal Person so!! This’ll be disjointed and incomprehensible but we’re both up at midnight right now so </3

Okay. Right. First of all: I love how comfortable ur writing is!! Like I know I’ve commented on it before but Techno n Quackity are just Very Comfortable with one another and there’s no stilted sort of ‘oh but it’s platonic’ clarification needed! They just genuinely feel safe in one anothers presence and that is wonderful <333

Also,, the description and use of the ‘mutually unrequited’ tag is ENDLESSLY amusing 2 me like yes,,, that’s so them,,, how did I not connect the dots before. Ur literally a genius

I love Mr. Quacks :]] his indignant protectiveness of Quackity that Big Q barely seems to notice? Him quickly registering Techno as a safe person bc of Quackity’s concern for him? Wilbur having issues with A Literal Chicken, Somehow? Mr. Quacks is my new favourite character in the Dream SMP sorry kings that really is how the cookie crumbles

I’m very satisfied by the fact that u let Quackity talk a little bit abt his issues with Schlatt!! And the way you write dialogue is so natural?? Like, Quackity doesn’t rly convey his specific issue super well bc he’s never been great at the whole feelings deal, but it’s super clear he’s trying to get across the emotional manipulation (even if Q doesn���t rly recognize it like that) and Schlatt’s obvious abuse of power over Quackity as his president AND husband. Very proud of him for his efforts :,] and Techno’s automatic response being to just go murder the man? Like YES KING LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOO

I don’t know how you manage to do it but you make me more invested in their friendship w/ each thing you write :,]] Quackity’s very easygoing demeanour and active expression of affection through physical gestures and pet names pairs v well with Techno’s more stoic personality that gives way to casual shows of affection and fierce protectiveness of the people he cares about?? Your characterization is literally just a dopamine factory I will never get over how good you are at dynamics aasndmdkfkd

Also I love how ur including more SBI dynamics!! Your Wilbur is friendly but still like. Vaguely Unhinged and I appreciate that you didn’t completely get rid of his Issues(tm) in favour of the family dynamic. You woke up 2day and gave us both! As a treat. And I really love how you write Tommy as a whole :] he’s a bit of a brat and the teenage vibes are ever so present but you do kind of want to give him a hug anyways. I love and care them,,,,

You’ve sparked my thoughts abt your various quacknoblade AUs again!! And also dormant thoughts abt the TMA quacknobros AU I thought briefly abt where Techno was Jon n Quackity was Martin,,,,, honestly ur ability to create brainrot is insane ily king

- Saturn 🪐

OH SATURN I GENUINELY BLEW KISSES AT MY PHONE WHEN I REALIZED THIS WAS FROM YOU. you have such a distinct way of sending asks that I knew it was you right away actually it's really funny amksmdmdkdkd ilysm

Also WOW CALLED OUT YEAH ITS MIDNIGHT YEAH WE'RE FEELING INCOHERENT ❤️

ALSO THANK YOU;;; I channel my aromantic energy into my fics by just not registering things as romantic in the slightest ❤️ I am unstoppable ❤️

Ok wait it's kinda funny bc I feel like at a time I was like "gotta make sure everyone knows this is platonic" but now I've reached this point where I'm just "if you don't get it that's on you" KSKSKSKSKDKKDF

YES THE MUTUALLY UNREQUITED TAG;;; I saw a post abt it on Tumblr, I think I tagged it as #marriage crackfic bc that's literally what it is listen;;; it fits so fucking well oh my God

YEAH YEAH MR QUACKS IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME. I was a bit stuck on writing for a while and then iwnas like "wait what if quackity befriends that chicken from the creepcident" and now we're here skskmdmdmdmfk

ALSO YEAH WILBUR AND MR QUACKS S RELATIONSHIP IS V IMPORTANT TO ME

I'm really really glad you like the dialogue abt schlatt. Tbh I think that's like, one of the oldest parts of the fic. I've been writing it on and off for a while now and that was one of the first things I wrote, and I still absolutely adore how it came out. Idk! That bit of dialogue just came out fucking Perfectly for me and I'm still very :]]]]!!!! About it and I'm delighted you like it too!!!!

ALSO YES TECHNO MURDER POG <3

EVERYTIME YOU COMPLIMENT MY DYNAMICS I WEEP;;; I'm just very into characters who are Very Different getting along super well ok. im super duper in love with big stoic and chaotic small and that dynamic lives in my head rent free so you KNOW I gotta write about it as much as possible

YEAAAH THAT BIT WITH THE SBI BOYS WAS A JOY TO WRITE I REALLY REALLY LIKE IT A LOT;;; also yes! Wilbur gets to be unhinged <3 as a treat! AND YES FERAL TOMMY IS SO GOOD. HE IS A TEENAGER AND HE IS READY TO THROW HANDS CONSTANTLY. I imagine rough housing is a very popular way to show affection in the sbi household and tbh I'm a bit feral as well. projecting on to tommy by making him wrestle with techno. KAKAKKSKDKDKF

Ilysm your asks are always such a treat to read I'm very :>>> rn!!!

Also idk anything about TMA but I am looking intently!!! Share your infinite wisdom!!!

[btswishes]

What we were and what we are

One Shot/ Random

A/N: Take it as an emotional dump. I will put a keep readying line since I don’t think anyone would want to read this. XD Have fun anyways if you wish to stay friend. Who knows maybe it could be a Yoongi x Reader , friends to lovers story, idk. 

Word count:   2,535

Playlist recommended for this : Jin-Epiphany   Big Bang- Loser  Big Bang- Blue   at the end you can try BTS- We Are Bulletproof The Eternal

Warnings:  dark, anxiety, talk of trauma , be yourself please

                   ----------------------------------------------------------------------

  The sky was covered with soft cotton candy like clouds, tinted in the colors of the ending day. Oranges, reds, blues, yellows, you name it it was there. The wind was warm and but a whispering tender sensation over your exposed skin. The grass pillowing your body under the roughly placed cover, as your head moved up and down by Yoongi’s breath. Laying onto him felt like a antidepressant pill to you.Time had stopped. He was leaning onto his left arm as you both were looking up at the sky. His free hand from time to time brushing over your hair. 

“Your mom is calling.” he said taking a glance at your lit up phone screen

“Leave it.” you didn’t even use all the breath in your lungs with this sentence. 

“Shouldn’t you pick up tho? I mean she is your mom.” Yoongi’s eyes now focused onto you 

“Nah man, she is probably mad at me for something. My mom or not, good or shitty relationship, no matter how much parents say ‘i understand you’ or ‘i was your age once too’ .It never works, telling them anything ends up being a pain in the ass later. Asking for help when you fuck up is the same.” you tried following a lonely cloud with the corner of your eye

“I guess them not accepting that something is wrong with their kids is a defense mechanism.” 

“That fucks us up tho. Just because they want to lie to themselves to feel better, leaves their kids untreated and undiagnosed ,messing them up. Years of being bullied and not knowing why, can’t study even if they try, can’t be themselves. Such an easy solution, yet such a hard choice to make to take the first step.” you sighed as you spoke out, a bit of disappointment mixed in with your breath. 

“Ha ha ha.” Yoongi laughed under his nose before laying back down 

“The fuck did I say?” you cut him off, thinking the giggle was a bit displaced in this talk

“And when you take the first step? What then? The so called professionals lie to us too, give us chemistry and tell us all will be ok as they turn us into addicts to fake serotonin. Psychologists? The word comes from Greek meaning the study of the soul, yet those assholes look at us as bags of meat that you can stuff with pills. Yet we would do anything to get that drop of calmness, that feeling of being a bit happy for being alive right now. And when the effect passes? You want more and more, pill after pill, pharmacy after pharmacy. What difference is there between us people with anxiety and disorders and drug addicts? The medical degree probably.” 

  You smirked after his last words “ Not all doctors are bad, but you can feel how genuine they are, the rest are health merchants. I don’t think there was a difference in the first place. Drugs, alcohol, smoking fuck it, even sex, man. It’s all to fill that void with dopamine, serotonin and all the bio crap.” 

“Isn’t that chemistry tho?”

“We learned it in biology class so it’s bio to me. Do I look like a professor to you?” you rolled over and flicked his nose earning a ‘yah!’ “Hey.” 

“Wasup?” Yoongi pulled his hand from under his head and spread his arms wide like a star in the vast sky. 

“You know that thing where people ask you, if you saw your younger self in front of you right now and they were having the same feelings as you. What would you do?”

“I don’t know honestly, probably give the little guy a hug and some money ,or buy him something to eat. Someone out there for sure has it shittier than me, but I guess one of my mistakes was to undervalue my own emotions and mental state. Fuck, i got myself in such a hole. When people say ‘after you hit the bottom there is no where more to go but up’ , honestly that is straight up crap and bullshit. Some of us keep clawing and digging fearing that there is more to come. “ 

“Ah.” a memory popped up in your head on it’s own “That shit hole. Yeah, either you lose yourself laying there with bloody fingernails and hands, or you start crawling back up like a bug. You know, the blood is gonna stain the walls so next time you fall you will remember and catch yourself...if you make it that far.” lifting your hand, you covered a bit of the sky with it, noticing the colors around it “What about the times we reach out but no one grabs on?”

“Fuck! Y/N! We were supposed to have a nice walk in the park not a whole ass depressing talk session!” Yoongi hissed out, unlike his words his voice wasn’t angry

“Oh come on, you know that somehow we always end up talking about this shit.We are both broken pieces, but I think that isn’t bad at all.” you felt his breath stop under you for a split second “I feel like that is why we fit so well together.”

“Oh for real?” he asked a bit surprised by your words “I always thought it was because we were both hella toxic.” you swung your hand and hit him in the stomach “OOF!” he folded in half, sending you sitting up “I forgot how aggressive you were too.” Yoongi’s voice was coming from between his teeth.

“I am serious! I feel like we went through our hard times and learned to manage, that is why we can talk about all these things like this.” 

“Makes sense, we were each other’s shoulder. You start falling, I pull on you and the other way around.”

 You noticed the contagious smirk on his face that mirrored onto you almost instantly “We fall together, we crawl back up together. Damn we sound inspirational.”

“I told you! We should make one of those vlog channels where people wake up at 5 am looking like damn models, meditate and finish all their work before 11am.” throwing your body back you fell onto the cover, but Yoongi didn’t join you. He staid sitting, letting you focus on his back as he continued “You know we are losers, right?” 

“The biggest losers out there.” 

  He looked towards the sky letting the wind play with his hair, when suddenly you both burst out laughing. Your voices were so loud the birds flew away. “Yeah, we are.”

“Honestly tho Yoongs. Why did we care so much what people thought of us? I mean sometimes I still do but-”

“Same, same.”

“Don’t cut me off stupid!” you kicked him a bit “As I was saying!” you emphasized on ‘saying’ ,when he pinched your leg in retaliation a couple of times “Body types, dudes, girls, genderfluid or no gender at all. Being cute or stylish, pretty or ugly, was a mad waste of time. The nerd is gonna probably become rich, the ugly people will end up becoming better lookin that those basic Karens. I swear, even with all that bulling and people wanting be to be the top. With or without them the Earth keeps spinning .”

 “Did you just discriminate flat earth people!?” he gasped cartoonish “Y/N, i didn’t know you were this type of person.”

“Yah! You really out here trying to cancel your best friend, Min Yoongi!” 

“You don’t need me to do that, you already do it yourself with the stuff you say.”

“Says you, loser.” your words made him lean onto his elbow next to you, eyes focused on your face as the colors of the sky began fading over your bodies and skin 

“I like that word, loser.” he said “It sounds rude, but at the same time no one calls you that if you aren’t different. Different means unique, special. Who tf would want to be the same as others?”

“That was us too stupid, back then.” Yoongi pocked your cheek a couple of times gently 

“Yeah, but it’s not back then anymore Y/N. It’s now. We grew up. With our jaw and fist clenched we fought and made it here. They shot at us, they threw rocks and called us cowards, weirdos. But we made it through the darkness. After all that we are and will forever be bulletproof.” the sudden rustle of the grass under you two signaled him getting up and spinning, hands to the side. His head leaned back and he looked so happy. Yoongi’s eyes were closed, he could fall and not even notice, but he wasn’t afraid no more. Whatever happens will happen. 

“You make us sound hella dope man. I love it.”

“Anxiety, social issues, any kind of mental problems and disorders. They level us up, as long as we try. At the end of the day you lose something to win something.”

“The end of the chapter is the beginning of the next.” you began to notice he was starting to lose balance from all that spinning around “Hey stupid, you will fall and hurt yourself like th-” you couldn’t even finish the sentence when his legs tangled up and he fell onto you “You ok?!That was such a stupid move! Open your eyes next time!”

“Why?” he became serious, his eyes looking into yours. Yoongi crooked his head to the side,as his fingers caressed your cheek “If I was looking I would have been too afraid to fall. At the end of it all i ended up failing and found a little angel. See? Win win to me. You can’t always see where you are going, but you gotta believe that good things are on the other side.”

“You are bleeding, that is what is on this side.”

“I am WHAT!” his forehead was a bit scratched “Damn it! My handsome face!”

“Oh come on! Wait till I glow up like that! I will get the best looking SO out there.” the child in you was pouting at Yoongi

“You know damn well we are too messed up for a relationship with others. We try and try, get used and then we either lose interest, or fall completely out of love for months. By the way...” his fingers found your cheek again, but this time it wasn’t a gentle poke but a sharp pinch. Your hands flew in the direction of his arm to try and make him let go of you. “Who told you you don’t look good?”

“Ow ow Yoongi! Let me go!!!”

“Not until you tell me who said all that crap to you!?” prying yourself from his grip you continued rubbing the now red and warm spot

“People i liked or others in general. You know how shit goes.” 

“You for real need to get your eyes checked! People stare at you when you walk by cus you look TOO good.” his words were like a low growl of a jealous pet

“Nah man, they are either judging me or they want to fight me. There is no middle ground here.” 

“You really!” with all the power in his hand he flicked your forehead 

“Stop inflicting me wounds!”

“Then stop talking shit about yourself! I swear your bodydismorphia needs to join Jimin when he has talk sessions about his day with Hoseok.Plus, people do stare at you when you walk in town in the attracted way. On our way here at least 5 people turned back and continued looking.”

“Ew creepy!” you said “Why do you count them!”

“You little!!!Come here!” your neck found itself in a chokehold in a matter of seconds 

“HYUNG!”Jungkook’s voice echoed through the park reaching your direction “Y/N AND YOONGI ARE BEING THE DEPRESSED AND FLIRTY AGAIN!”

 “This kid I swear I will kill him some time soon!” you hissed at Jungkook

“You two really can’t drop this habit.” the slow and calm footsteps pulled your attention and soon subsided your anger 

“Joon, you know how we are.” you added, leaning back onto you elbows 

“I know, we are all like that.” Joon looked at you two sitting on the ground

“Y/N is right, broken pieces do find each other.” Yoongi added, but Joon sighed and rubbed the back of his head. He squatted down eye level 

“Broken pieces find each other because they fit together and make a beautiful new bottle that they can fill up with happy memories. Our sad and hard pasts make us titanium that can’t be broken. Even if one of us cracks, we are all going to help him become stronger.” he reached his hand out, standing up “ You are not alone Y/N, we are going to be forever titanium. You have us and we have you now. We are not lonely or misérables with you.”

“WE ARE BULLETPROOF GUYS!” Jungkook yelled out again

“Yeah...we are.” with a smile shining brighter than ever ,you grabbed Joon’s hand.He pulled you up as you were holding onto Yoongi. When the chain starts no one can cut the bond. We pull each other up...is what you realized. 

“Oh and.”

“Yes Joons?” 

“Can you two date already or at least go out on a date. It hurts looking at yall like this.”

“What!?” the blanket in your hand turned into weapon as you began hitting him with it in a moment of panic. His words hit a nerve.Yoongi wasn’t the one to rush or to run. With his hands in his pockets he followed you down the hill. His footsteps stopped for a moment to look at the now dark sky. 

 We may not be able to see the stars during the day, but at night they are too many to even count. Nothing is truly hidden forever, even who you are meant to be. It’s ok not to know now or later. When we are young we dont really know. We try to fit in a mold that was created, but we can’t, we just can’t no matter how much we try.

 We end up being labeled by the things we are different. Some come from a darker past, others don’t. Yet everyone is important, the way they feel, their emotions and inner state. If I could, I would grab your hand and show you a bit of the future. Think of this, your future self, the one that did it all finally and continues to dream big, is looking at you through memories. They grab your hand and push you forward towards the good. The tunnel may be dark, cold, lonesome and scary but it always leads to something. Just don’t give up.

  Regret, unsuccessful love, residual feelings for someone who used you. They are all a stepping stone, don’t look at them. Now you know what not to do, EXP( experience points)  come in many forms honey. Be who you want to be, life is yours. Be the main character in your story, not anyone else’s. Even if you fall sometimes, show everyone how amazing you are by standing up. Baby steps turn into miles, whispers become yelling, crawling becomes flying. Breaking the mold becomes you. 

[quinintheclouds]

Thoughts on Putting Others First: SvS Redux as they come to me

AN HOUR LONG?!?!?! Y E S THANK YOU

I am LOVING this opening art style. The way it shows all the things Thomas could say and shuts them each down, the silliness tying in perfectly to the video game setting, the way we could SO STRONGLY empathize with Thomas despite him not saying anything. Well done!

“Eff friends, Patton!” Patton and I made the exact same gasp and noise at the same time in reaction to that dsjfhljdhg

Lookit Thomas’ lil vest awww <3

ROMAN WITH THE PUNS I LOVE IT APPRECIATE HIM

rhymes

rhymes

they’re rhyming is this gonna be

A SONG!!!

(Logan off somewhere watching all of this: “You guys are doing a RAP? Without ME? .....Unacceptable”)

Seriously poor Logan being left out BOTH TIMES despite clearly having excellent points on the matter

But I’m loving this Patton/Roman dynamic being explored in this way. They have a lotta similarities but the differences are really standing OUT so far and I like it! Also it looks like Roman isn’t gonna just shut up and do whatever Patton says out of fear that he’s a bad person/bad for Thomas this time. I’m glad they’re both getting a chance to talk cause they aren’t exactly taken seriously a lot of the time.

RETURN OF THE BLINDFOLD METAPHOR followed by Roman saying “in Patton’s defense...” so they like, KNOW what Deceit meant about the blindfold? Were they playing dumb? Or do they just suddenly get it now that it’s coming from Thomas?

Ok this Feral Cat Story of Roman’s is too specific for me to dismiss and now I’m convinced either Remus brought a shitton of cats home one day and they just flooded their house/rooms, or Patton brought home a bunch of cats out of love and didn’t realize he couldn’t take care of em...either way that’s an adorable anecdote

The car jump line that Patton took literally is just making me miss Logan even more :(

I’m glad they’re giving context to the relationship between Thomas and Mary Lee & Lee! A lot of fander questions and opinions circled back to “well it depends how close they were” so it was smart of them to fill us in.

“those baby-makin’ catholics”

6:45 Patton has clearly thought through a lot of possible outcomes to talking to Lee and Mary Lee before going to the wedding... he never brought them up, even when Roman did and then Deceit did. But he’s bringing up points no one had addressed, and I think that’s a great way to put more intensity to Patton’s apology to Thomas for lying back in SvS pt 1. He hid a lot more than he let on. Man, how much guilt is this poor man feeling right now? :(

“Talking about it could have been harmful” I’m very intrigued by the parallels between Patton wanting to keep things from Thomas’ friends to protect their feelings in this episode and SvS, and Deceit disguised as Patton in CLBG trying to get Thomas to... keep things from his friend to protect their feelings...

WOAH “But was it worth it? I don’t--” “No.” Thomas cutting Roman off with that much certainty DAMN Thomas REGRETS going to the wedding HARD and also is agreeing with Roman finally??

Patton: “sometimes you can make all the good choices, and still not get the good ending.” Thomas: “I’m not even sure there was a good ending to get.” Roman: “Mmmm, I’m pretty sure there was.” There is so much to unpack here oh my gosh.

WOAH WOAH WOAH WHAT??? DAMN THOMAS CAME FOR PATTON WHAT ON EARTH??? Patton: “I think we can all agree that you are a good fellow.” Thomas: Can we? ALL? Agree on that?” Patton: *sputtering noises*

Poor Patton... I mean they’re right but gosh I feel for him. He wants so badly for Thomas to be a good person and he realizes now how strict and unyielding he’s been, and wants to not do that but doesn’t know how to be more lenient without sacrificing integrity cause that’s his JOB and he doesn’t know how to do it better aaaa this is such a mood

MUSIC IS THERE ANOTHER SONG COMING?

Return of the bagel. Except this time it’s Roman guessing/wanting the bagel and Patton being like “what? no?”

ok not a song but video game style is back!!

“ugh you’re such a dad” I love it

Patton just made more puns and Roman omg “Like, you’re SUCH a dad that like it’s too much to handle sometimes”

I am loving this whole scene jdfhjadshg Patton ily and I relate

Thomas and Roman teaching Patton how to come up with imaginary scenarios skjfklsjdfh

Sondheim wrecking Leslie Odom Jr is such a hilarious visual

Ok all three of them are peak dumbass and I’m so here for it (like they’re smart and all but they’re peak dumbass)

Daaaamn Patton is letting out so much this episode. Like he’s been holding back but wowie. R: “Just like how you didn’t HAVE to give him a hotdog” P: *sucks air through his teeth* “I feel like you kinda do though?” YES PLEASE let’s discuss the concept of obligation in morality again!!! Where’s Logan when you need him? Or Deceit even? (I feel like D’s gonna show up later but I wanna hear Logan’s thoughts this time too)

Patton: You can disagree! But... it’d kinda be wrong?

LOGAN POPUP! Ok fine if he isn’t in the ep at least he pops up in a lil dialogue box on screen. Also he popped up to support Patton... neat!

“It’s just me, Logan. I’ve taken this form because I didn’t want to be too...invasive.” POOR LOGAN NO YOU’RE NOT INVADING ANYTHING YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE HERE! Also Roman getting scared by the popup while Patton just waves happily like he always does upon seeing Logan aww

Okay I am getting serious DOPAMINE from Logan talking. Like, he’s spittin’ FACTS. Something about the way he talks is so interesting and soothing and makes me so excited to LEARN. Roman mockingly mouthing ‘behoove’ had me snort though XD

LOGAN AND I WERE IN UNISON HELL YEAH! Patton was all like ooh you’re sharing your lil factoids! And Logan and I at the same time corrected, “Facts,” and proceeded to state the definition of factoids (we worded it differently but yeah as usual Logan is on my wavelength)

Logan’s sprite getting so disappointed at Thomas’ interruption joke jgdkjghks he looks so DONE

OML I LOVE LOGAN’S DIALOGUE BOX TALKING TOO FAST FOR THEM TO READ THIS IS SO ACCURATE

Oof Thomas finally feeling like he GETS it and Patton being like yeah but not if you’re doing it bc you want to feel  good tho... (also that’s the same argument Deceit made in SvS pt1??? I’m confused by Patton/Deceit’s functions lately and I’m very invested)

Oh ok Thomas just brought up that very point haha

“we all agreed the right thing to do was go to the wedding” um are u sure about that

“I was wrong” PATTON CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT?? I know Logan has the reputation of not being able to admit when he’s wrong (which isn’t true -- he doesn’t like to but he has done so countless times...well not literally countless but you understand my meaning), but Patton rarely is in a situation where he has to, so this is jarring in a hopefully good way. Istg if this is Deceit disguised as Patton again I’ll be so disappointed... I feel like the writers wouldn’t do that though

Patton: says smth deceit said. Roman: and you...agree? Patton: Definitely! I mean uh maybe? (WHAT IS HAPPENING INSIDE PATTON’S HEAD RN SO MUCH TURMOIL)

Roman: “I’m not an expert in the... moral medium” Thomas:  “Go ahead Roman, we wanna hear what you have to say.”  Patton: *halfhearted gestures and noises for roman to go ahead* jashfjdh he’s trying so hard

AWWWW they’re validating Roman so much I love it

“whomstsoever” ok I take it back roman’s not valid

I adore Logan’s popup fun facts, and him giving definitions for Roman’s vocabulary reminds me how much the two of them love writing and poetry and language aaaa

Patton trying not to be harsh is somehow 10x harsher than he normally is

oh wow that got real.

I know I’ve said this but I love logan’s insertions... but I do wish he got to say them out loud like earlier :/ Pausing to read them is less fun than hearing him talk.

oh wow that got real part 2

I want. So badly. To jump into this video and debate Patton on the nature of morality and what “the right thing is.” Roman you’re not being dumb, you’re bringing up excellent points and you’re valid again.

Oh no Patton... empathy is not morality... please please address that there are people who can’t experience empathy and choose to be moral and good

THE  TROLLEY PROBLEM HERE! WE! GO!

Logan’s popups bc he doesn’t want to “be too invasive” and making them optional to read hurts my heart :( He knows Patton, Roman, and Thomas aren’t reading any of it but he doesn’t want to be too much so he stays silent. Why?? Logan it’s okay! Why is this a thing now but not in the last 2 episodes? What happened to Logan :(

OOOOOOH Patton didn’t flip the switch :o Interesting! Daaaamn he’s arguing to let 5 people die rather than flip the switch so only one dies

LOGAN’S TEXTBOX WAS SO BIG AND FAST IT KNOCKED PATTON OVER I CANNOT BREATHE hang on I gotta read it

HE’S TALKING ABOUT DEONTOLOGY YES LOGAN THANK YOU FOR TELLING PATTON WHAT I PHYSICALLY CANNOT please tell me you’ll talk about utilitarianism and moral particularism next

Okay he used consequentialism but it’s close enough to utilitarianism that the outcome is the same. (Do you get it? Do you like my joke about how the outcome is most important? When we’re talking about-- oh you got it already? Good, moving on.)

DID ROMAN JUST FJCKING KILL LOGAN

“I’m okay, figment of your imagination, so.” Okay so CAN the Sides get hurt or can’t they?? Cause Patton clearly got bonked, roman got hit in the eye with paper and said ow, but logan got hit in the head with a throwing star and had his teeth ripped out and he was totally fine?

 Thomas is being so HONEST with himself so early in the episode, wow this is refreshing and I’m hype

AW YAY Patton called textbox Logan in to help with philosophy yay :’)

Logan: “Pity seems to be at the center of your idea of ‘putting good into the world’” first, Logan doing a voice impression of Nietzsche is GOLD, and second.... I wish they’d let him finish cause I was waiting for a “but” cause Logan siding with Nietzsche on this one feels... wrong? Like I could see Dee bringing it up or Logan using it in an argument only to continue with a contradicting philosophy but Logan equating empathy to pity... idk I thought he’d grown more than to think that :/ Actually I don’t think he ever saw it that way. It feels out of character but I’m guessing he had more to say to debunk that.

HOLY SHIT PATTON SKIPPED ALL THE REST OF LOGAN’S DIALOGUE AND YEETED HIM OFF THE SCREEN bruh he may have been right and he should’ve gotten to say it >:(

ROMAN ISTG DO NOT TRY AND MAKE THIS YOUR FAULT

I SAID DON’T

GODDAMMIT

sjfkdjgjsh okay aww Thomas good job, Patton too. Thank god they’re being nice to him

Patton is having a breakdown holy heckity about time

damn Patton is freaking HARSH

“I have a difference in opinion on this one, Patton” Thomas: *relieved sigh whisper* “ohhh thank you, Logan” YES APPRECIATE THE BOY YES YES I LOVE HIM why are they looking around like he isn’t making sense?

LOGAN YES! CALL HIM OUT! LET THOMAS VALUE HIMSELF AND PUT HIMSELF FIRST SOMETIMES! “Every point you’ve made in today’s discussion has contradicted that sentiment.” I love you but also you sound a lil like deceit... very lawyer-y and feels calculated like he’s been keeping notes for this purpose... I want deceit and logan to debate already damn it. Maybe it’s just that Logan’s inflections feel reminiscent of Deceit to show...something?

Ok can I just say that Logan gets so much rep for his strictness or high standards but he’s been SO GOOD about that lately and him teaching about the importance of leisure and self-care and freedom in your life and self-esteem and valuing yourself like you do with others... not even just this  video -- he’s been like this in the last few as well and these recent episodes remind me of early Logan (esp My Negative Emotions)  and that makes my heart so so happy.

Continuation of the above, compare this to how Logan acted in Why Bed? with regards to Roman. Roman advocated for leisure time and following dreams, while Logan had a schedule that optimized productivity and health. Now he’s taking a similar stance to Roman and asserting the importance of these things... WHY is so much of Logan’s character development OFFSCREEN?? I wanna know what made him switch on this! Maybe just cause he’s listening to roman from why bed?

Why is Logan being so abrasive? He sounds like his intent is more to disprove Patton rather than state what he actually thinks... not a fan of that but he’s not wrong

WOAH WOAH TOTAL PATTON BREAKDOWN WHAT HAPPENED WHAT THE FCK HE’S A LITERAL MONSTER IN THIS VIDEO GAME?

OH, MY GOD. If Logan didn’t step in and save them here this would have been catastrophic. I can feel my relief. I mean, he screamed, but it was a relief. WAIT IT WAS DECEIT THE WHOLE TIME??? Daaaamn good job on this one Deceit and I definitely like him more now but also WHERE IS LOGAN. Was it the whole time? That makes sense in hindsight and makes me feel better about some things he’s brought up but I feel like it really was Logan at the start, it wasn’t until he started calling out patton that his voice and inflection and stuff changed

Patton trying to attack Deceit   and hitting Thomas instead was  an EXCELLENT way to  showcase the effect SvS 1 and 2 are having

Deceit’s lil “A DUH DUH DUH DOY” looked and sounded just like Logan’s lmao don’t tell me it’s another switcheroo (I doubt it greatly lol)

REAL LOGAN REAL LOGAN REAL LOGAN

So wait what was the point that Deceit switched with Logan? Cause Logan’s saying “one more fact” so he was himself earlier right?

“Not that any of you care, but  I am unharmed.” Nooooo they care </3 “I will do you all a favor and spare you my company” okay OUCH

EFFECTIVE ALTRUISM YES aw he’s talking about him and patton working together yes thank you

Damn, Deceit is LOVING everything Logan says haha same

Logan and Deceit teaming up to teach Patton that it’s okay to care about yourself

DECEIT WHAT he’s being so supportive of Roman holy heck this is so genuine OH Roman’s arguing with it  this is a lot of stuff I didn’t expect roman to say out loud wow

THOMAS JUST SAID DECEIT THE CHARACTER ISN’T INHERENTLY UNETHICAL WOW this episode really said let’s make Deceit--

WAIT WOAH SORRY HIS NAME REVEAL!!! He’s Janice?? Is that true?

WAIT WOAH PART 2 BUT DECEIT JUST SAID IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE MUSTACHE HE WOULDN’T KNOW WHO THE EVIL TWIN IS BETWEEN ROMAN AND REMUS HOLY SHIT HE ACTUALLY LOOKED VULNERABLE AND THEN HURT AND THEN RIGHT BACK TO SNAKE

ROMAN’S GONE

fuck.... patton...roman....deceit....thomas....logan....I’m gonna go cry about all of them now

LESLIE ODOM JR IS HERE??????? oh there he goes

patton oh my god I love you  this ANGST are you trying to kill me?

Patton telling thomas he’s worthy of love I actually teared up

dfjdakjhfa deceit don’t push it

Wowie that was an EPISODE

[cloudydoodle-moved]

everytime rhea cloudydoodle posts on their tumblr i get that good good dopamine, their ocs?? Gooooooood shit!! Please info dump about them all because want to love them

sorry for takin so long to reply to this ask!!!! ^^;; 's all under the cut! :3

PLUTO

i don't know if i ever mentioned his age? he's 15!

also, he’s mexican!

he has a black cat!! her name's kuro because...y'know. she's a black cat. pluto's a simple guy, alright? lol

he absolutely loves music! he likes most songs/genres, but he really enjoys vocaloid and cutesy songs (though he won't ever admit it).

a couple of his favorite songs are shama by niru kajitsu (miy_yuu's cover to be specific!) and otsukimi recital by jin.

also he knows every single lyric of renai circulation.

he has terrible posture. please help this boy. he's already 5'3". save his soul. (he's the shortest one in the main 4 ahaaa)

he supresses his emotions a lot of the time, even happiness. he doesn't wanna deal with any of that, no sir.

he's good at staying quiet. like, it's almost scary how silent he can walk across floors.

(he's spooked koko about a million times because of this. at first it was unintentional, but now pluto has some fun with it.)

he types pretty normally when it comes to texting, like;

pluto: What are you guys even talking about. What's happening.

he'll die before he uses an emoji. he's fine with emoticons like :), but he will Never use emojis.

he'd probably wear crocs. he tucks his sweatpants into his combat boots. he's a fashion disaster.

he's really observant!! he'll notice the tiniest things, like a change in typing style or perfume. he probably won't point it out, though.

he barely listens in class, and yet he somehow always gets decent grades. koko mourns dramatically about this.

he doesn't like most coffee or tea. if he really has to, then he'll drink iced coffee. honestly? he just likes cold water.

sometimes he writes in this little pocket journal. he'll kill anyone who tries to look through it, because, y'know.

he's terrible at any physical activity, especially push ups. please, he is just a noodle.

he, of course, really digs space. it's one of his biggest interests! he's bursting at the seams to infodump, but he doesn't wanna bother anyone, y'know?

he chose the nickname pluto because he is very cool and edgy and it just kinda stuck.

he's surprisingly kind sometimes? because he's really observant, he catches on if he sees someone being...off or sadder than usual.

he'll try to just. give the person a small gift/note, and he'll run off like a dumb tsundere lol

he doesn't watch a lot of anime (or shows in general), but he really enjoys the disastrous life of saiki k (because who wouldn't?). he and koko watch it together whenever they're feeling shitty.

fun fact: every time i get a new sketchbook, i draw him first.

KOKO

he's 16, but he's in the same grade(??? whatever the word is) as pluto! funky birthday tingz, y'know?

he's half indian and half filipino, which explains his last name (castillo-madan)!

anyways. in canon, he chose koko as a nickname instead of niko (though he'll def accept that nickname too) because it was a nickname that navya called him as a kid, and he just vibes with it.

(also, he wanted to avoid as many nico nico nii jokes as he can)

he watches a lot of anime! he's the reason why pluto got into vocaloid, too. he stans miku and also momo kisaragi. what a king.

he LOOOOVES the movie kimi no na wa/your name. zen zen zense is one of his favorite songs, like, ever.

his fav anime (animes?? i never know which one's right...) are mob psycho 100 and march comes in like a lion.\

he's loud and energetic and tries his best to cheer people up!! he also has owo bracelets, because he's just Like That.

he has adhd! he's trying his best.

he's very passionate about the things and people that he loves!! when he gets a new interest, it hits *hard*. he'll get absolutely hyperfixated on it.

his favorite show ever is probably avatar: the last airbender. he stans zuko and toph.

he's so bad at sleeping right. i say this because i forgot to give him his eyebags in his ref :( 

his typing is a disaster, like me! like;

koko: AGHIUSGHSDHKJ HELLOOOO?!?!!? am i in HELL what's going ON

the only emojis he uses are heart emojis! his favs are the yellow heart & revolving hearts.

when it comes to physical activity, he’s not the best at things like running, but he’s pretty alright at carrying heavy things! 

he’d die if he didn’t have coffee. please help this man.

sorta like pluto, he pushes a lot of his negative feelings to the side (...sayori/kano kinnie?). he’s bursting apart at the seams, but he’s trying his best to stay cheerful. gotta stay happy for his friends!

he can kinda play the guitar!! he doesn’t pick it up very much, but he can probably play a few simple songs!

his mind is either empty or has 390824234897 different thoughts. there is no inbetween.

he gets really invested in characters and likes writing down character analyses sometimes!! he just vibes with them a lot

(some of his favs are kano shuuya and shinobu kochou :p)

fun fact (that makes me cringe): he was named after kokobot on kik. that was my terrible decision when i was like 10

can you tell i project onto them a lot??? my weeb-ness??? and part of me feels like i got their characters a bit off, even though i’m the literal creator USDAHGJHGKJ...

thanks a bunch for asking about them, nonnie!!! :D and sorry if anything’s messy;; i wrote it all throughout the day and am too lazy to proofread it ;; (and also technically english isn’t my first language, so sorry for any mistakes!!)

[deniigi]

If you’re still doing the fic prompts, something with Tats Spidey and the whole gang, rallying around one of them who got sick and needs help? (prompt in honor of a recent diagnosis that I’m still trying to accept). Maybe have a dinosaur involved somehow, idk

Hey friend.

It’s not complete or like, amazing, but here: Peter’s got an anxiety disorder.

–

When he’d first gotten the diagnosis,Peter wasn’t sure if he was relieved or not. Part of him thought that hey, hefinally had a reason—a state sanctioned, recognizable reason to feel like shitall the time. Literally all the time, but the idea of having to live with this—thisconstant state of fear. Heart-pounding, hands-shaking fear. Panic at the dropof hats and the desire to run, trapped in his knees at all times.

He couldn’t imagine a life likethat.

He couldn’t imagine having towrangle this beast every day for the rest of ever.

Just the thought brought everythingback into the center of his chest again and the weight there made him want tocry. Sob. Scream out at the unfairness of it all.

But then a hand caught his forearmand another one started stroking his hair.

“Honey,” May said, “You aren’talone. I’ve got it, too. I know. It’s scary, I know.”

The knots holding his chesthostage loosened at the sound of her voice. At the realization that hey, Maywas just a normal person. She did normal people things. She went to work, shecame home, cooked an inedible meal, watched shit tv, raised a child, and thenwoke up the next day to do it all again. She’d done that for years, longer thanPeter had been alive.

And she’d made it.

She didn’t have any specialpowers. Just…tenacity. Quiet tenacity.

May wrapped her arms around himand told him that it would be okay and he wanted so bad to believe her.

–

“Aw, kiddo. Take a deep breath,you’re gonna be fine,” Wade said, sharpening knives at his table. “When theydiagnosed me with the schiz I thought the fuckin’ world was ending. Thought I’dnever find quiet again with these fucking characters chatterin’ around in mygoddamn melon all day. Not to mention all the other shit, feel’s like thefuckin’ floor is fallin’ in sometimes, right? I get that.”

Sometimes the floor. But othertimes, it felt like his heart was a void, sucking all the pleasure andhappiness and calm from everything and everyone around him. Including himself.His heart felt sometimes like it sucked the serotonin and dopamine from his ownbrain.

Selfish. Unendingly selfish.

“Peter, breathe. In. Out. Countto three.”

1

2

3

“Out.”

1

2

3

“Good. How many days does it taketo break a habit?”

What? What did he mean?

“I mean, how many days does ittake you to add new shit to your routine without that thing naggin’ at the backof your head?”

Peter didn’t know. Peter hadn’thad anything to deal with like this before.

“’Round 2 months, they say,” Wadesaid. “Somewhere around two to three months for a lot of things. Longer thanthat for some people, some things, but we’re talking two to three months forlike, simplicity’s sake. And actually, you deal with it all the fuckin’ time,believe it or not. Think about it—when you moved into your new place, how longdid it take you to start leavin’ your keys in the same damn place? How long didit take you to get used to livin’ in a dorm? When did the novelty break off?How long did the coolness of your bein’ 18 last? New shoes to stop hurting. Summerto be boring. We assimilate pain and newness and change into our lives everyfuckin’ day, it just takes us a couple of weeks for adjustment. All you gottado, Pete is get through that period of shock and frustration and things’ll evenout, kiddo. It’ll become your new normal and once it’s your new normal, shitwon’t feel so void-ish.”

Really? Like? Could he promise that?

“Can’t promise you shit, babyboy, but I can say that sittin’ around fixating on it will just break you inhalf.”

Right.

Right.

Okay. Breathe.

In.

1

2

3

Out.

1

2

3

–

DD: [voice message] peter you’re gonna be fine. You’ve carried thisaround for years, all that’s changed now is a piece of paper and yourawareness.

SM: I know. It just feels unbearable. Like, if I tell people, theyassume shit. Judge me. Oh, you have anxiety, you’re fragile. Or oh, you haveanxiety, you just need to get over yourself.

SM: shit like that, you know?

DD: [voice message] yeah I know. Trust me. I know. But they ain’tthe ones carrying this burden and in the end, they don’t matter. You got all thesepeople in your corner, kiddo. And we aren’t gonna let you fall. We’ve beenthere, we’ve got this. All you’ve got to do is reach out when shit gets realand we’ve got you. You understand?

SM: yes?

DD: [voice message] doyou really?

SM: maybe. I don’t want to inconvenience anyone. I should just dealwith it, it’s my problem.

DD: [voice message] boy if we carried all our burdens by ourselveswe’d just break. There’s a reason people have got two hands. One for us, one togive to hold another’s. If one of them’s empty all the time, it feelspurposeless. Lean into it, Peter. For the sake of the other hands that want tohold yours.

SM: I don’t understand.

DD: you will. We got you. Call me if you need anything. Anytime.Anywhere, yeah?

SM: yeah. Thank you.

–

So the study about habit forming is here if you care: http://repositorio.ispa.pt/bitstream/10400.12/3364/1/IJSP_998-1009.pdf

But really, this is based off of my own experiences with my anxiety and tinnitus (there is absolutely nothing that has fucked me up more than realizing that I constantly hear things that no one else does and nothing I can do will make it stop. It triggered my anxiety BIG TIME and no amount of reading/research/forums helped with that. I only really felt better when my mom called me and revealed to me that she has had the same thing for her whole life and she’d never, ever told me, which to me, was a testament to how I could get used to it and move on with myself. She told me that eventually it would just become my new normal and once I stopped trying to reject it, it actually has. It still scares me sometimes, but it’s bearable and I am learning how to cope.) Obviously this is most likely not the same as your situation and it is a fairly mild/harmless condition for me, so I’m not trying to diminish what you’re going through, but rather I just hope that you get to experience that feeling of relief and of being held up by all the hands that want to hold yours, even when you feel like your palms are vastly empty.

Anyways. Wish you the best!