#got into some shit with a cult/secret agency

[yuriinadress]

Me going through the Noah Nixon tag with Bernard tunnel vision: holy fucking shit they're the same character

[kitthepurplepotato]

MWRMI Part 6

My Weird Roomate, Midoriya Izuku

Week 3 part 2 / Meet the Gang!

~•🥦•~

Summary: Y/N learns about Midoriya’s past and the gang’s secret tattoos. …?!

Also, why is Kirishima half-naked all of the sudden?!

Warnings: Swear words, hints of suggestiveness (they tell “funny” stories, 2 sentences, really.) a tiny hint of platonic (?) jealousy.

First Part Master List

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“OH MY GOD, THATS RED RIOT THAT’S FUCKING RED RIOT, Midoriya!”

Okay, listen.

Red Riot doesn’t have a fan base; he has a fucking cult.

That guy had the glow up of the century after going through puberty.

Red Riot? More like Red Daddy.

No jokes, people say that quite a lot when they are talking about the hero. He’s so liked for his looks he actually managed to beat Dynamight and Deku on the “best looking bachelor” charts.

Red Riot barely had any presence in the hero world for his first few years; he had no confidence and he really didn’t think he can be a good hero or at least that’s what he’d said in the interviews. Then Dynamight took him under his wings, took him away from his last agency and that’s when the name Red Riot became a phenomenon; he got even more ripped and grew his hair out but still kept it red, just one shade darker; it’s shorter at the front and really long at the back which makes him look like a lion; majestic and frightening when fighting a villain. His close relationship with Dynamight also helped the blonde to get a better reputation, which he definitely needed at the beginning of his career; Dynamight might have been the one who saved the redhead first, but to be honest, they both saved each other from themselves.

Needless to say, the two heroes are constantly shipped by the fandom, and reading Bakugou’s rants on his official social media about it always makes your day better. Once he posted a picture about Red Riot sprawled out on his lap after a night out, drooling like a Rottweiler all over his trousers with the caption “Do you really think I would ever kiss that mouth?”, but people focused on the intimacy of the photo instead of it’s meaning. The blonde got so furious he deleted himself from the internet for two weeks.

Red Riot also admitted that he absolutely lives for Dynamight’s rants, so sometimes he stirs shit up just to get a reaction out of the blonde; he posts domestic pictures of Bakugou making breakfast in nothing but boxers and other shenanigans like that. The picture is usually followed by a selfie of him being beaten up by his best friend for being a menace or a screenshot of him being blocked on every social media when he’s away on a mission (because of course he has a secret stash of domestic pictures hidden in his phone, who wouldn’t?)

Ahh, you can talk about these two for ages, they are the funniest pair, like ever.

Midoriya giggles at your sudden outburst while you try your best to hide behind the sofa out of embarrassment.

“Aww, thank you!” The redhead smirks. “It’s always a pleasure to be adored by a beautiful lady like yourself.”

You don’t have time to really react to his sudden flirting because the air fills with tension for some weird reason; Midoriya stops smiling, black whip caresses your back and wraps around your body protectively. He looks furious and also does Bakugou, but his anger is pointed at you; if looks would kill, you would be dead by now.

“It’s a bit cold, isn’t it, Y/N? You should change into something warm before you catch a cold.” Midoriya smiles, but it’s more frightening than cute this time. Damn, if you would be a villain and he would look at you like that, you’d 100% piss yourself.

“I have no idea what the actual fuck is going on right now but I’m gonna sit down.” A purple haired, tired looking guy sighs and makes his way to the sofa like the time didn’t just freeze for a second. Honestly, you have no idea what’s going on either.

“Let me explain!” Chargebolt claps his hands happily. “Bakugou’s being a a possessive dick over his best friend, and Midoriya is the same with his roommate. Why? Don’t ask me.” He gives you a reassuring smile.

“This is why I’ll be single forever, Y/N. Don’t be like me.” The redhead sighs, also sitting down. Midoriya lets you go while mumbling ‘sorry’ but he doesn’t look sorry at all.

“What do you mean, Eijirou? Is Katsuki’s marvelous presence not enough for you to be happy? Aww, poor boy.” Pinky speaks up, clearly enjoying the drama. She looks even prettier in real life.

“Say another word, you pink bitch, and I’ll mount your stupid horny head on my wall.” Bakugou snaps, his face a lovely shade of red. Chargebolt blurts out a quiet ‘damn’ and hides behind the sofa, right behind the purple dude who just sighs at Kaminari’s shenanigans.

“Aww, is my face is so pretty you want to see it every day? That’s so cute, Bakubro!” Mina coos and that’s when shit hits the fan; you quietly leave the room to change as per Midoriya’s advice (what the fuck was that about? Yeah, you are wearing comfy shorts but so is he.) while Red Riot hardens between his two friends, acting like a shield to stop them from killing each other. After a few minutes, the yelling stops; apparently, their pizza order is more important than an impromptu mass murder.

It takes you a while before you have the guts to go back so you can properly meet Midoriya’s chaotic friends; you still have no idea what made the two friends so mad, but to be fair, Bakugou is known to blow up for no reason at all, so maybe you were just at the wrong place at the wrong time.

“Hey.” Midoriya’s green head pops in through the door. He looks a bit flushed and a little bit guilty. He’s absolutely adorable. “Can I come in?”

“I was just about to go out, but yeah.” You mumble, your voice strained from the stress. Deku closes the door and leans back to it; his face is contorted into a frown but he tries his best to give you a smile.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that to you. I had no right to treat you that way.” The greenette is clearly beating himself up for his actions and it brakes your heart.

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not.” Midoriya jumps in. “Eijirou is a nice guy, he talks like that to everyone. Bakugou is a possessive asshole over all his friends, especially him. I was so excited for you to meet my closest friends yet I fucked it up.”

Oh no, not the teary eyes. You can’t handle the teary eyes right now.

“Midoriya…” you move closer to the slumped greenette, taking his hand into yours. He looks at you with the cutest lovelorn expression. “Stop looking at me like that. I really want to hug you tight when you do that.”

You really didn’t mean to say that. You really didn’t.

“Then hug me, Y/N.” Midoriya says, a new kind of emotion swirling in his beautiful eyes. Your body moves on its own as you embrace your favorite hero with such passion that Midoriya’s back hits the door with a loud bang from the force of it. You can hear his heart beating loud and fast when your face hits his chest as you squeeze the shit out of the poor guy. The hero’s hand ends up in your hair, slowly massaging your scalp while he takes a deep breath to calm his racing heart. Midoriya lets your hand go and pulls you even closer by the small of your back; your bodies clash with each other completely as Midoriya melts into your touch; his muscles feel amazing under your cheeks. You’ve never felt so content in your life.

Okay, this hug is way too passionate to be called “friendly”. You are about to pass out. He smells so amazing, like pine and sea salt with a hint of spice, masculine and earthy. The world stops for a second, Midoriya’s friends on the other side completely forgotten as the two of you embrace each other, your true feelings showing without you even saying them out loud.

This is when reality really hits you; you don’t just have a crush on this guy; you are absolutely fucking smitten with him already.

Ahh, you are so fucked.

“STOP MAKING OUT, YOU FUCKERS!” Bakugou ruins the moment with his yelling. When you two realize the situation you are in, you jump away from each other with a “sorry”, like two emotionally constipated teenagers.

“Maybe they are just having a fight.” A tired voice mumbles, probably the purple haired guy you don’t know yet.

“With their mouths, yeah.” Pinky giggles mischievously. If your face wasn’t red enough before, now it is.

“I mean, can you blame him? Y/N is cute as hell.” Motherfucking Red Riot comments and that’s when Midoriya opens the door with a flushed face.

“Can we start this all over?” Midoriya yelps. His friends try their best to not comment on their disheveled appearance for the sake of you and nod in unison. “This is Y/N, my FLATMATE. She takes care of the flat when I’m not around.”

“She takes care of more than that by the look of it…” Chargebolt whispers into Jirou’s ears, who slaps the guy on his head to shut him up. Jirou is a great friend. You love her. “You know Kacchan and Jirou already, then you have Kirishima Eijirou, but you also know that, Kaminari Denki, Ashido Mina, Shouto Todoroki who doesn’t speak too much but he’s one of my closest friends and Shinsou Hitoshi who you might remember from the sports festival. He works with Aizawa-sensei as an underground hero so his face isn’t well known but he’s amazing.”

“I still don’t know why am I here today” Shinsou mumbles, clearly hating the fact that he was forced to come over. He doesn’t look like a guy who enjoys being in a large group.

“You are here because you are important to us, and I can’t believe I need to have this conversation with you after all these years.” Kaminari sighs, looking at the purple haired hero with disappointment in his eyes. Shinsou looks back at him with a guilty expression, showing the yellow haired man with his shoulder in a silent sorry.

Wow, you ship them. So much.

Damn, you really need to stop reading gay fanfictions when Midoriya is not home.

“Now that we all said hi, it’s time to embarrass Midoriya!” Chargebolt speaks up energetically. “Which story should we start with?”

“Guys, please!” Midoriya pulls you to the sofa while hiding his face with his other hand in embarrassment. You sit down next to each other while the group fights over which story should they tell.

“His first almost-kiss!”

“What about the time when Katsuki saw him doing nasty things in his room?”

“That’s not an embarrassing story, I literally thought he’s not into that shit until that moment. I was proud of him.”

“KACCHAN!” Midoriya hides his face in your neck in embarrassment and you try your best to not explode. Jirou looks at you with pity in her eyes.

“What about his secret tattoo?” Kirishima chimes in, and you perk up; you really like tattoos and you always wanted one. ���Ahh, she likes that! So it happened on Katsuki’s 21st birthday…”

“Oh my god…” Deku mumbles, still hiding in your neck. “You might not like me that much after tonight, Y/N” he sighs, making your whole body tingle with his hot breath caressing your sensitive skin.

“I’m a loyal fan.” You deadpan. It’s really hard to concentrate on the story right now to be honest.

“So we were really drunk when Tetsutetsu and his gang came over and challenged us to a fight. The loser gang had to get a tattoo. The fuckers knew we are too drunk to realize they are all sober so they beat us to pulp. We woke up the next day with new tattoos. On our… bottoms.” Kirishima looks down with a flushed face. “I have a rock, you wanna see?” Kirishima excitedly jumps up, ready to show you his sick tattoo, but Bakugou is having non of it.

“Eijirou, if you pull your pants down in front of everyone I’ll absolutely kick you out of my house.” He whispers threateningly, his hands ready to block the view. Kirishima sits down with a sad puppy look.

“It’s not that far down!” The redhead whines, but gives up anyway. “Please, don’t kick me out, I fucking love the sauna and I also own the half of the flat.”

So Red Riot and Dynamight bought a flat together. Interesting.

Would it be weird to write a fanfiction about that, now that you know them in person? Probably.

The life of a hero fangirl is really hard sometimes.

“I have a Pikachu!” Kaminari chimes in proudly.

“I have a Hypno. Thanks for that, Denki…” Shinsou mumbles, clearly hating his teen self for being so stupid.

“I wanted us to match!”

“You have no reason to moan, Hitoshi, I have a fucking pinky tattooed on my bum.” Mina admits shamefully. The whole team bursts out laughing at the old memory.

“I have a picture of soba noodles. That’s my favorite food.” Todoroki declares with a straight face, like it’s a pretty normal thing to have your favorite food tattooed on your bottom.

“I have headphones! Like the ones I use when I fight the bad guys!”

“Mine was a small explosion but it was too boring so I made it into a massive one.” Bakugou pulls his shirt up, showing off a massive tattoo on his side. Wow, it’s really hot in here. Like, really really hot. Damn. You can’t believe no one ever realized that Dynamight has so many tattoos hidden under his shirt. The other side of him is also full of ink, but you can’t see enough of it to be able to decipher what it is exactly.

“Why can you show yours but I can’t show mine? It’s not fair!” Kirishima grumbles. “You know what, you can’t tell me what to do.” Kirishima slowly unbuttons his shirt and shows you a massive black and red dragon on his chest. So this is why the hero changed his costume into something less revealing. He’s hiding a fucking beast under it.

You might die tonight.

There is no way your heart can take more of this shit.

Where is the water? You are kind of thirsty. Respectfully… thirsty. For water.

Yeah.

“Can you guys stop stripping? I have a broccoli by the way. Not like anyone cares at this point.” Midoriya pouts and it’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever seen.

“Midoriya, that’s so fucking cute!” You yell, the two stripping heroes long forgotten. “Colored or black and white?”

Midoriya perks up now that your attention is back on him, a shy smile decorating his face.

“Colored. It matches my hair. I know most of us are ashamed of these tattoos but I really like it. It reminds me of my friends. It reminds me that I’m not alone anymore.” Midoriya smiles into the distance. “It reminds me that whatever happens, there will be someone there to catch me when I fall. We are a family.”

“That was so manly, goddamn it!” Kirishima cries, tears falling down his cheeks.

“What the fuck, shitty Deku, this was supposed to be fun, now I want to throw myself off a cliff!” Katsuki rolls his eyes aggressively but he can’t hide the fond smile when he looks at his crying flatmate.

“No worries buddy, Midoriya will be there to catch you!” Mina giggles, clearly having the time of her life as she looks at the three boys.

“Now you ruined it.” Midoriya mumbles, unimpressed. You really tried not to laugh, but seeing all these people taking the piss out of each other made you laugh out loud. You’ll never forget tonight, that’s for sure. These people are truly amazing.

After a few more minutes of banter the pizza arrives; Midoriya puts in a DVD with some old interviews and they all laugh at their awkward faces on the screen. The whole situation is so intimate, everyone is so close to the other, limbs and arms intertwined with each other while fond smiles are being exchanged when someone new appears on the screen. The guys tell you about Ingenium’s matching bum tattoo - he has a pair of glasses -, and about the time Jirou fell on the stage; you hear a bunch of stories the public have never heard about while Midoriya snuggles closer and closer as the night turns into an early morning… your heart swells from the happiness to be able to be a part of something so private without feeling like an intruder. The group welcomes you with open arms, letting you in without a question.

“Can I tell the story about Katsuki almost exploding his dick of when he tried to…” Denki mumbles half asleep, but Katsuki gives him a massive slap before he can finish the sentence.

“Midoriya had a girlfriend in high school for a few weeks but he was so wind up about their first kiss he threw up right in front of the poor girl. We haven’t seen her since. She changed schools.” Another half asleep mumble, this time from Kirishima, who somehow ended up sprawled out on everyone’s laps on the sofa.

“I think Denki’s bisexual awakening is a good story to tell. It was the first time I actually laughed in front of everyone. He’s helpless.” Todoroki chimes in, probably the only one still fully awake from the team.

“Says the guy who wanted to call an ambulance on a girl who blushed and didn’t even realize she was trying to ask him out.”

You have no idea who’s talking anymore. It’s almost 5 AM and Midoriya is so warm next to you, you can’t help but hide your face in his arms. You can feel Midoriya’s hands stroking your hair, the affectionate caress slowly lulling you to sleep.

“I’ll put Y/N to bed, you guys get comfortable. You know where to find the spare bedding, yeah?” Midoriya takes you in his arms, moving you towards your bedroom. The group mumbles incoherently, clearly ready to sleep as the hero puts you down on the soft sheets, tugging you in like a child. Something soft touches your forehead but you are too sleepy to react; it feels nice and warm like the sun on a breezy afternoon.

“Sleep tight, sweet pea. See you tomorrow.”Someone whispers. The nickname makes you smile subconsciously. “I don’t want to leave, to be honest. I always want to be around you, I wonder why.” You can still hear the mumbles but you can’t understand the words anymore; it’s too late and you are too tired to keep listening.

You dream about green curls and soft touches, about the stars and the moon, so close yet so far away, you dream about touching the sky, about reaching out for the brightest star only to fall back down on Earth, but you stand up and try again, until your hand reaches the one with the scars, until your fingers intertwine and you never let go again.

~•🥦•~

“Maybe it’s the cold of the night. Such a drastic change compared to the warmth of the day… I’ve never felt cold before but I probably didn’t even know how the warmth felt like on my skin until I’ve met you. Now that I know, I’m craving it. So much. You are like the sun, Y/N. Please, never change; and stay by my side for a bit longer, until I’m strong enough to let you go. I hope you’re sleeping. It will be really awkward if you’re not.” Midoriya giggles and leaves the room, closing the door behind him.

Midoriya Izuku really needs to get a grip, he thinks as he makes his way to his own bedroom, already hating the cold feeling of his sheets.

… Next Chapter!

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Potato ramble:

Damn, that ending. DAMN.

Fun fact, that bit wasn’t planned. At all. It just happened. The hug wasn’t planned either. It’s all Midoriya’s fault.

- I also feel like I owe you guys an explanation for the iffy jealousy scene: in Midoriya’s case it was 50% jealousy and 50% protectiveness. He doesn’t really understand his own feelings yet and he couldn’t really handle that situation very well. He’ll get much better at it in the future. Midoriya was never a possessive person but Y/N told him he can be a bit selfish sometimes and he listened. He’s growing as a person it’s just really hard to tell. He’s such a weirdo I love him 🥦

- Ao3 is down and I want to cry.

Likes, reblogs and comments are appreciated as always 🥦💚

Taglist: @porusuniverse @stickygumchewer @sixxze @mily-moo @momothemasocist

[yandereunsolved]

✨ Dumb shit Kai and James have done as Benji ✨

✉ Who is Benji? Read this post.

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

✨ Killed the president & ate him

Yep, in this alternate universe he canonically killed the president. Through pulling personal ties Kai was able to get the president to stay at the Cortez. James and Kai fused into Benji because he is the mostly living and legal owner of the Cortez. Benji invited him to a private dinner, even though the presidents secret service was there. He got some of the ghosts of the Cortez to kill the president in his sleep. They scared off the secret service.

Benji got hungry because of his ghoul nature and got rid of the evidence. Ms. Evers cleaned up the crime scene. So the president just mysteriously disappeared. Naturally this would put the Cortez under a lot of publicity. They could possibly even have higher government agencies looking into the hotel and finding some evidence.

So Benji paid off a few people under the table and suddenly the president killed himself. One of his secret service agents totally cremated the president after so there's no evidence. Kai was upset that he didn't get to kill the president by himself and become the ruthless dictator. :( James tells him that it is all in due time.

✨ Forgot he has four arms & fell down the steps

Benji was walking to the lobby of the Cortez when he felt a weight around his back. He freaked out a little and thought someone was attacking him. He forgot that he has a second set of arms. He ended up tripping down the stairs. Thankfully, Liz was the only one near and she wouldn't dare cross Benji.

✨ Ate an entire bag of desert edibles

No explanation. James isn't well-versed in new age drugs and Kai occasionally indulges in a blunt when he needs one. Benji got interested in them and just ate an entire bag of them. He must have crossed several spiritual planes because he couldn't even walk correctly. He was tripping and slurring his words. He almost missed his kill and he almost fell down the chute.

✨ Convinced Ms. Evers that he was the devil

Have stranger things not happened? Miss Evers is more bothered that a misogynistic hooligan got to fuse with James before she did.

Benji basically began terrorizing her in his free time. She thought that her handsome and perfect James would never do this. Kai would never dare go against James. So it must be the devil!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She gives off kinda homophobic Catholic mom vibes tbh. Like you have a half chance that you are gonna get called you a slur, or she'll give you cookies and call you sweetie.

✨ Committed unspeakable atrocities and somehow gained an entire fan base of simps

Kai's cult members + all the people James has seduced :) ♡. Benji is running for president in the next election... (he already killed the last one so if ykyk).

[des-no9]

Oc ask: Secret, wound, torture

Questions from here!

secret: What's one secret your OC never wants anyone to know about them?

Some of the things she did for Nezarr. Willingly, and not.

I think...a lot of it is that she doesn't even necessarily feel guilt over all the acts. It's more a 'sorry I got caught and you found out this horrible act because of its social stigma' and 'I'm so fucking boiling alive with rage that Nezarr made me do that. That's why I'm angry. Because he took my agency, over what I actually did' and I think she's probably more worried about people's perceptions at her reacitons to things.

She's a smart girl. She understands peoples emotions, words, minds. Nezarr taught her so very well how to utilise your words for better and worse, and exactly how to manipulate people. That, she's at least thankful for.

Funnily enough, Voss isn't the first person to learn some of these secrets. Orpheus is, when he helps her uncover lost memories with the aid of his psionics. And she uh...doesn't like that much lol.

wound: How does your OC handle being wounded? Are their wounds mostly physical? Mental? Emotional? What's the worst wound your OC has ever experienced?

Vanquish generally has a high pain tolerance. A bit from column her patron(s) help her out with her, a bit from column she was moulded under cult leader Nezarr how to handle and tolerate pain. Even how to enjoy.

But, the burn she received from [redacted] has kind of put a dent in all of that (which is probably the worst physical wound she has received). Her burned skin is pretty sensitive all in all (it's from void fire so her skin acted a little differently to a normal fire burn. also. magic). And pain there feels different. Heightened. Lke it's seeking something else.

Vanquish is reckless as fuck though, so often suffers wounds. And she just kind of takes it as part of who she is now. Because she thinks it is. Anyone looking at her can see that. Half of her body is scarred to shit.

Most of her wounds though, are emotional. The worst too.

torture: Has your OC ever been tortured? Would your OC ever torture someone else?

Yes. Yes.

[je-suis-problematique]

Even more RE4 OCs because just Reno isn't enough

So uh we got a little bit too much into the idea of Saddler being completely and utterly dominated by someone and decided we're adding yet another OC to Reno's story to sort of have a character make Saddler their bitch soooo we made Alejandro.

This is Alejandro:

He's a shadow mage dispatched by the Spanish Agency to the Valdelobos region to investigate an increase in suspicious activity among the area's nonhuman folks and specifically Los Iluminados who have been reported to be using magic illegally (yes we're adding magic and supernatural creatures to a Resident Evil story I know it sounds weird no need to tell us that). To those who don't remember us mentioning the Agency in previous posts they're a secret government organization in charge of overseeing the nonhuman population in human society and they do a bunch of shit from hit jobs to offering social services and schooling to nonhumans. Think Men In Black kind of. Anyway Alejandro works for the Agency and his whole job in the Valdelobos region is to mostly just gather data and report back to HQ with what he finds but he gets a liiiittle bit too involved in Los Iluminados business and ends up keeping Saddler as a pet or something along those lines, we didn't really make up our minds yet about where exactly we want to be going with this story.

Like I said Alejandro is a shadow mage meaning that he can use various forms of shadow magic and also has a shadowy demon form of sorts where his corporeal body turns into shadow matter or whatever and he gains extra strength, extra speed/acrobatics, some claws for good measure, and a mouthful of razor sharp teeth or at least just fangs and a powerful bite. He can choose to only turn parts of his body into shadow or go full shadow but going full shadow is very risky for him since that form is unstable and his mind could get consumed/overtaken by the shadows and he'll get stuck as a semi-feral shadow creature forever so he uses that form sparingly. We imagined him to look something like this in his full shadow form:

I'm gonna go ahead and say that Saddler himself is a mage in this story and that he's been amplifying the effects of the plaga in his body with magic so it's not JUST the parasite doing things but also Saddler fucking around with its powers to make them stronger and have them reach farther. The Ganados are not only infected and brainwashed but also being puppeteered by a powerful mage and THAT'S why the Agency got involved. After Alejandro relays that information to his superiors he is given permission to dispatch the problematic mage and is generally allowed to engage in combat if it's absolutely necessary (the Agency doesn't want too many human casualties on their hands) buuuut Alejandro has other plans because he decides that it would be better to subdue Saddler than outright kill him because Alejandro likes the idea of taking over Los Iluminados himself. Think of Alejandro's next actions as a hostile takeover. He likes the idea of coming into possession of all of Saddler's money, power, and influence and basically just goes rogue. The Agency considers him to be MIA for a good portion of the story.

I'm not entirely sure about what Alejandro decides to do with Reno here but I DO know that Leon either lets Alejandro take Saddler prisoner OR Alejandro saves Saddler from Leon somehow and disappears with him. As for Reno, I though it could be cute for Alejandro to let Saddler keep Reno out of pity, but he could've also either killed Reno or handed him back to his siblings for some serious cult deprogramming and therapy. Leaning towards Alejandro letting Saddler keep Reno though just for those extra most-fucked-up-polycule points.

Actually now that I think about it Alejandro could've simply taken Saddler off Leon's hands by saying it's technically Agency business since Saddler is a mage and shit. He could've told Leon he'll be taking Saddler into Agency custody and that they'll deal with him by putting him in Agency prison or something only then Alejandro pulls an Ada and instead of delivering Saddler to the Agency he goes completely off the radar and vanishes into thin air with Saddler. The island is only partially destroyed at the end of RE4 so Alejandro could've gone literally anywhere with the intention to rebuild Los Iluminados to his personal liking with Saddler as his little plaything, possibly with Reno in tow as well. Not Alejandro amassing his own army of nonhumans/magic users to later attempt to take down the Agency or something. Maybe he's grown tired of keeping his powers a secret or maybe he just hates the Agency and feels like they're oppressing the supernatural folks, kinda like Sylas from League of Legends. Maybe this whole fuck-the-Agency attitude stems from wanting to liberate nonhumans and magic users in a fucked up way, maybe all he wants is to be able to be himself openly without fear of persecution. Didn't expect this story to turn political but hey ho here we are I guess. And he uses Saddler for his own little plan of world domination.

This shitshow's about to have sequels LMAO.

[marshmallowprotection]

Kait Reacts To The AE 6/?

Hi! These reactions are written out every time a Chatroom opens and it’s done over the course of the day. So, you’re watching me react in real time as it is for me. So, Spoilers AHOY. Expect Another post like this later today, there is just too many chats to put it all in one post. So, hey, if you click this, you’re opening yourself to spoilers, you make the choice.

[18:00]

Hey, so this is a heavy chat. A lot happens and I have a lot of feelings in my heart and most of them are not kind. I’m usually the type of person that wants to see good in people but I see no good in Rika Kim and I never will. I cannot let myself trust V anymore, either. Not after his reaction in this shared chatroom with him and Rika. I just can’t. I can’t deal with him or her anymore because the two of them are so—

I’ll get into it. 

You jump into the chat and ask Rika if she feels guilty for what she did. She says, “I didn’t do anything. It was the Prime Minister. He should have known better than to bite the dog that is bigger than he. All of you, all of you should know better than to do this.” She blames them for what’s happening, and she acts like she has done nothing wrong. She allowed this to happen by letting the agency and the Prime Minister know that she’d do as they wanted as long as she got to keep her freedom.

This chatroom has... Rika telling you that she’s done denying herself, she is wicked, she is vindictive, she is her devil and she just doesn’t care about anything but herself. It’s all about Rika, it’s all about what Rika wants, and what Rika wants, Rika is going to get no matter how dirty her hands have to become in the process. She even jests that it’s selfish, like it’s some kind of a game. This isn’t a game.

But, I wanna see what she’s thinking so I prod deeper. 

She says that Saeran should give up hope. That there’s nothing he can do and that he’s weak against Saejoong and the hackers. But, I tell him not to give up hope if he’s looking at the chatroom. I know he has to be. He’s at C&R so that has to be case. Rika says that they’re not good people, but neither is she, so that’s why they get along. They work together even if they don’t see the same deal and keep their secrets. 

I don’t like that. 

She keeps saying to the RFA to forget the twins. 

To forget everything. 

Live on.

Live on while Rika gets her Selfish Wish [the name of the chat.]

And let me tell you when I screamed, I screamed when this happened because this is what I’ve been trying to tell people for years about the problem with being able to forgive or judge. 

People who hurt you can apologize, but you don’t owe them shit for it. You don’t owe them anything. Ever. You can hate them forever if that is what you want. You don’t have to accept an apology. Nor do you have to see them ever again. It’s your choice to forgive, and it’s your choice to not forgive someone and thank fucking Christ the game let me say this to Rika Kim’s fucking face. 

You really get to call her out in this chatroom, too. I’m floored at this because it’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. You don’t get to move on and act like you didn’t make a fucking cult and harm hundreds of people. You don’t get to move on and act like nothing happened when you abused, tortured, and gaslit Saeran Choi for so many years. No. You don’t. You don’t get to be selfish. You don’t get that. You don’t have that right. 

She makes a final plea to Saeran: To Give into her wish. 

I tell him not to lose hope. 

V comes into this chatroom and this is the point where I reach my fucking end of confusion about him and I give up on him. I’m disappointed in you, Jihyun Kim and I do not think I ever will have that restored. I am angry with you and I am so sad that you were on the brink of getting back and you went back, and now you have resigned yourself to this and let others hurt. I thought that when you went to Rika it was to make her leave the cult and never return, taking all the pain for yourself. 

But, no. You sold out everything and everyone for Rika and unless something is going to change, and I highly doubt that, I cannot trust you ever again, Jihyun. I hate that you will suffer but your suffering has caused the suffering of our loved ones, and I thought you would never hurt them, but you did. This hurts me a lot and that’s why I have so much to say. 

That being said, V says that when Saeran comes: You can go. You will be free. We won’t hurt you. 

Rika: You don’t have a choice. This is their future. 

Rika leaves. 

This is the moment where I give up on V. 

That’s not what you were supposed to say. You say, “I will be fine.” I’m not asking about you, Jihyun. I’m asking about if you’re okay with what is going on right now and if you’re okay that you’re destroying everything as you burn like Icarus in Rika’s sun. I’m not worried or concerned with you. You’ve betrayed my faith in you. 

I want you to be happy but... as it remains right now, I cannot trust you or be close to you ever again. I thought I knew you. But, apparently, I don’t. 

[19:23] 

Alright. I’m rattled to my core and I’m not better than I was when I last checked in with you. In fact, this one actually made me cry. I’m still a bit... choked up on what I just saw and. There’s a lot to talk about. So, I guess I’ll just start with the chatroom. It’s with Zen and Jumin. Zen tries to ask what’s up but we really can not talk about it... you know, cause Rika and the others can see it but he’s doing okay as he can. Although, the doctors knocked him out without his consent with the drug?

Is it about his healing speed? That’s not okay. Don’t do shit without someone’s consent. Jumin’s not okay. I can say that certainly. There’s a phone with him right after all of this and he just... he’s tired. He doesn’t want to talk. He masks his pain and says what he needs to say and then he leaves before you can ask him if he’s okay. I’m concerned for him. He wants to take all of this blame and still help us. 

Jumin Han is a fucking saint. 

I love him. Nobody ever talk shit about this man. I swear to God, he’s always going above and beyond for everyone in this fucking group. He doesn’t even have to do this and he does it. He has a big heart. The media is getting worse, they’ve started to talk about Zen in a bad light... Yoosung... it’s not good, it’s just a fucking mess. He doesn’t even know if he can get on the stage ever again or if Yoosung can... go to classes. 

We were heroes, he said, and now... I don’t know. 

Jumin just leaves the chatroom after he updates us. He’s... I’m worried, you know? Zen promises that he’s looking out for us and he wants to be there, and he sends a selfie and that almost boosted my mood. Now, we jump into the end of the chat. We get a ping from Seven. 

We close the phone and open the visual novel. Saeyoung is awake, but he tells us to be quiet. Rika literally threatens us if we try anything and says that she will not hesitate if we ruin her selfish wish. Once she’s said her peace and made her threat known, she leaves. 

And we’re alone with Saeyoung. I theorized that we would get a moment with Saeyoung alone in my big analysis post but I never thought that this would be the way that it would happen. He says what I thought he would want to say to us and this is when I started to actively tremble in the game. I can hear it in his voice, and he’s hurting. He’s hurting so fucking much and I never thought this would be the way that I would get to talk to Saeyoung about Saeyoung and what we’ve been doing. 

I didn’t even get to tell him about Saeran or how he’s been doing or what’s going on. No. Rika and V robbed of this. Saeyoung has his phone, and that’s when he drops a big bombshell on me about Vanderwood that I didn’t even consider as I was playing earlier because I was so fucking torn open about what was had just happened to me that I wasn’t thinking. 

Vanderwood ran from the agency. They planted a shitload of intel and info on Saeyoung’s voice so he could use it against the agency. It’s all on his phone and all he has to do is use it to ensure that they go down and we can escape. He’s thinking that he will suffer behind here. He refuses to let Saeran suffer, his words are, “At least Saeran must have nothing stopping him from doing whatever he wants and finding himself whenever he wants.’ 

Saeyoung Choi is a selfless man. 

He wants to stay with Saeran and make sure he’s happy. The goal is to attack the agency, not Saejoong, they are the ones keeping us locked up and trapped like this. He paid them money for it. He will continue to pay them to get power and what he wants while the boys suffer. He refuses to let that happen. I don’t want to leave him, but he’s not giving me much of a choice here. 

He won’t let me do that. 

I think that he’s going to focus on this but then, this is the moment where I’ve utterly lost faith in Jihyun Kim as a man. I will not forgive him. I cannot. I don’t care what happens ahead, all of his actions right now are not something that I can forgive. Nobody will. He knows he’s wrong. He knows this is wrong but he acts like this is all he can do. He says to give up. He says that he has to take the phone because Saeyoung, Rika, and Saeran will suffer if Saeyoung fights back and this is it.

Just accept Hell.

This is the only way. 

V: There is nothing you can do. I tried to help you, I really did. But, there’s a reason why the term impossible exists.

I say what I’ve been saying to myself: 

This is where I started fucking sobbing and I haven’t stopped crying since this goddamn Visual Novel. Saeyoung gets on his fucking hands and knees and begs for his brother to be safe and V just spits in his face. Saeyoung pleads, “Not Saeran, not Saeran! I’ll do anything. I’ll do anything they ask and I will work harder then the two of us would together tenfold. Please, I swear I will not run away or anything! You know I wouldn’t!” 

He begs and pleads until the last second and V ignores it. This isn’t for the best, V, you know it, and you need to stop. I cannot forgive you for what you’ve done for Rika. You’re aware that you’re in the wrong and you aren’t going to help out here, you’ve chosen and you’ve chosen to ignore us and our pleas for help, we could win if you and Rika hadn’t turned against us. If you had been willing to give us help, then this wouldn’t be fucking happen. 

You know that? 

You added to the problem by offering Saeran and Saeyoung’s lives to keep Rika and her selfish wish happy. Saeran and Saeyoung will never forgive you and I can’t say I ever will now even if something changes by day 4. 

[21:02]

Welcome back. I’m tired of this. 

V had made his point of view known. I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again, he will let all of us burn so Rika can have what she wants and so the boys are alive and it doesn’t matter if it’s what we want or not. He doesn’t care anymore. He’s aware that he’s in the wrong here. He knows that. He just... ignores it, and he is ignoring reality for the sake of a selfish wish. 

He even says that Saeyoung won’t stop. They’re going to have to keep drugging him over and over, is what is implied. Even if Saeran can... “placate” his nerves by being there. I don’t like that tone and I’m... this has been a really hard day for me and V. I wanted him to be... not. this. But, this is what’s life and I can’t ignore it because he’s pissed me off. 

He’s not playing a long-con. 

He’s given that up. I’ve said what I have to say. I’m done with you, V. I’m just... I’m so done with you right now that I can’t even fucking deal with you. Stop doing this for the love of Christ. 

Anyways, the Visual Novel opens up and— They know about phone now and they know that Saeyoung had information. They’re going to change the server and that opens them to attack. This is the time for Saeran to strike and he has to do it now. He said that he may not be able to contact us. He’s going to be working and I trust him. I have faith in him so I’m going to wait and listen even if I’m grinding my teeth to dust as I watch Saeyoung suffer. 

Oh. Jumin had the doctors do that because we all know that Zen heals without a lot of... issue. They tested him to nullify the drugs. Okay, okay, okay, Jumin has a fucking go-plan. I don’t know what the hell is about to come but I know that we are in for a long fucking night, oh my God. 

I called V after this.

You tell him that he's wrong for what he did. He says, yes, but what did you expect? Saeyoung is crafty. He can't risk Rika's dream, and he can't risk the life that they're trying to build with this cage around Saeran and Saeyoung. You can say that Saeyoung thought of him well, and he ignores that and says he's doing what must be done because nothing can be changed. This is how it will be. He literally told me not to interfere or he would... do something. 

 He says "Once RIKA changes, it won't be so bad." He says "Please, wait?" I disagree. I will never agree. He says that there's no hope once more. He says that he hopes we never change and we stay strong in our heart. 

He says that.. you WOULD HAVE had good influence on Saeran. That Rika and himself envy what I have, my kindness. They don't have that, but they have something else. I ask him if he's going to fess up, change, and admit he's wrong. He says he won't change until Rika does. He said, don't do anything. Please. Or else. It's implied.

I basically hung up and said "I don't really have a choice, you kidnapped me."

[23:13]

So, we’re treated to a very short chatroom here. No surprise, really. Zen comes and lets us know that he feels that hope is lost. He thinks there’s not point and that we have to give up if we want to achieve anything anymore. He hates it and it’s horrible, but he and Jumin spoke and it just concluded that they shouldn’t be using the messenger and that we should avoid it. He promises that when we do return, however that is, he’ll be waiting there for us to reassure us. I needed that, honestly, my first route love, thank you for looking out for me. 

It’s really an end note. 

It feels like we’re going to hit a wall and THEN—

BANG, BOOM, BAM. 

Vanderwood didn’t actually leave! The bug they fucking planted? A decoy! A lie! A falsehood! They were working with Saeran and Jumin the entire time but they couldn’t tell me. Vanderwood, I love you, oh my God. I knew you weren’t going to stick your neck out but you really do love Saeyoung, even if a lot of comes from the idea that you’ll be given safety from the agency after this comes out and things are better. I’m so happy I could weep. 

Thank  God. 

Zen made me think I was going to hit a fucking bad ending. 

Oh... and Saeran calls after, and he made a secure call channel, but they are fucking jamming all the calls and he can’t hold it for very long so we have to be talking really fast. I’m weeping because it’s starting to glitch out and he just tells me that he loves me and I tell him I love him and—

I love him but I’m scared. I’m scared that something bad might happen on the 3rd day that will keep us apart or hurt him or I’ll hit a bad ending and he’ll suffer for me. I don’t want that. I want us to be happy. He’s working so hard right now and I just... I have to have faith in him, and the RFA. I always do. So, I’m holding out for a hero.

[lochnessies]

i feel like the game was really inconsistent with edelgard as a whole and that's what made her so polarizing and controversial. from my understanding, the devs were aiming for edelgard to be a villain and not as morally grey as most perceive her as, but when i first played the game, i honestly did not get that at all, even though i played vw + am before cf. it doesn't help that in cf hardly any of her depth is really explored beyond her trauma.

also, with edelgard, i feel like twsitd was pretty inconsistent as a threat. it felt like the game went back and forth between "edelgard has power over them and is only choosing to cooperate with them for her goals" and "twsitd has power over edelgard in some way that prevents her from going against them" and i feel like a lot of this could have been cleared up if cf was actually finished and we got to see them fight twsitd instead of it being a footnote in the ending. actually, the fact that cf was never finished i think would have cleared up... a lot??

slight additional thing: i honestly didn't get a lot of lore from the game immediately which also made it more difficult to understand the whole situation with edelgard and twsitd. idk if this is my fault as i played it too fast or an actual flaw (i've seen this as a somewhat common take) but regardless... i understand not everything has to be spoonfed to the player, but i feel like some things should have been more explicit sometimes?

tldr i feel like edelgard's writing is so inconsistent that it causes people to discourse over her "true nature" when it's mostly the canon that fucked up and can't even decide what her "true nature" is and no amount of developer's intent changes what the actual game shows to the player.

i feel like the game was really inconsistent with edelgard as a whole and that's what made her so polarizing and controversial. from my understanding, the devs were aiming for edelgard to be a villain and not as morally grey as most perceive her as, but when i first played the game, i honestly did not get that at all, even though i played vw + am before cf. it doesn't help that in cf hardly any of her depth is really explored beyond her trauma.

you see, that’s my main problem with three houses. when it comes down to edelgard they just won’t commit. on one hand they wanted to write a female villain but on the other they still wanted the player to love her. and i do believe the english localization is also to blame for this by washing most of her dialogue that could be considered a red flag away. they really tried to make her seem more morally gray when in japanese she’s more direct. there’s a reason she’s more popular in the west than she is in the east.

also, with edelgard, i feel like twsitd was pretty inconsistent as a threat. it felt like the game went back and forth between "edelgard has power over them and is only choosing to cooperate with them for her goals" and "twsitd has power over edelgard in some way that prevents her from going against them" and i feel like a lot of this could have been cleared up if cf was actually finished and we got to see them fight twsitd instead of it being a footnote in the ending. actually, the fact that cf was never finished i think would have cleared up... a lot??

twsitd is fucking stupid as a whole in my opinion. they could have just had nemesis kill sothis and the nabateans. there was no need to have a secret death cult when they already have the empire set up to be the big bad of the story. plus it takes a shit ton of agency away from edelgard as a character. instead of twsitd we could have focused more on how her father might have indoctrinated her into believing that the kingdom and alliance were her birthright and how she would have to consolidate all power under herself the way he couldn’t if she wanted to bring the empire back into a golden age.

also, someone pls correct me if i’m wrong, but i’m pretty sure i read somewhere that in the jp script it says that’s she’s the one actually controlling twsitd not the other way around.

slight additional thing: i honestly didn't get a lot of lore from the game immediately which also made it more difficult to understand the whole situation with edelgard and twsitd. idk if this is my fault as i played it too fast or an actual flaw (i've seen this as a somewhat common take) but regardless... i understand not everything has to be spoonfed to the player, but i feel like some things should have been more explicit sometimes?

you didn’t play anything wrong, anon. three houses has very expansive lore it’s just that the game doesn’t make it easy to piece together the big picture unless you play all four routes. they should have made the lore more noticeable to the average player instead of dropping small pits at a time and making you read shit in the library bc let’s be honest nobody did that on their first playthough

tldr i feel like edelgard's writing is so inconsistent that it causes people to discourse over her "true nature" when it's mostly the canon that fucked up and can't even decide what her "true nature" is and no amount of developer's intent changes what the actual game shows to the player.

you feel like her writing is inconsistent bc she is. azure moon edelgard is not the same as crimson flower el. i remember when i made my sister go through the routes she made mention that edelgard was wishy washy depending on the route and sometimes in the same one, where as rhea and dimitri were consistent through every storyline.

once again, it’s also kinda the english localization’s fault. they tried to make el something she’s not in the original jp, aka morally gray and they fell flat on their face.

honestly, i believe crimson flower is her ‘true character’ which sucks bc holy shit that’s the route where she almost completely irredeemable. i can’t stand talking to her in cf bc how obnoxious she is and the bad taste she leaves in my mouth.

whenever i say ‘i love edelgard’ i’m only talking about her on azure moon and silver snow. i can’t stand her anywhere else tbh. she’s at her most consistent in those routes and they are the ones where she plays the main villain which is pretty telling...

send your hot takes

[cannibalisticskittles]

Fans wanted a V route that's why we got a V route both him and Saeran weren't meant to be dateable in the first place

yeah that’s definitely the impression i got. hell, that’s why i started the saeran fic in the first place; i figured they didn’t plan to ever make a route for him, so i’d make one.

tbh tho i... think that v’s route straight up shouldn’t have been done. when you design a character around the central concept of How Absolutely Shit At Romance He Is, how he obsesses over a particular view of love to the point that he encourages unhealthy, violent behavior and enables massive harm (A CULT) for years, how he happily loses his eyesight for love because he thinks it’s a noble sacrifice, when he defends that love and that person with his dying death (“rika did nothing wrong” is a direct quote) and shows no sign of changing that mindset... you shouldn’t cave and make him a route because fans want it. all of those reasons why he’s Bad To Date are still there! they’re fundamental problems!

people who really wanted a v route.... well, not all of them, i know, but from the way so. so so many v stans talk about it. it’s like they looked at v and rika and thought “well, this utter shitshow only happened because rika was a crazy bitch. it’s all her fault. v was just her victim, an innocent martyr who did nothing wrong, or if he did something wrong, it’s only because she forced his hand. if she wasn’t in the equation, everything would have been fine. i bet if /I/ dated him, it would all work out great! he definitely would form a healthy relationship with ME!’ (never mind the fact that years before the story started, he not only knew about but had contacts in an incredibly dangerous and influential spy agency, and he shoved an abused 11-year-old into their arms, forcing him to cut ties with his brother and making him live in even more danger than he’d already been in. that’s totally logical behavior, right? that’s not intentionally endangering a child in the most unnecessary and bafflingly dramatic way possible, right? there’s no way that’s going to still be a problem when rika’s out of the picture, right? she had nothing to do with that batshit decision but it’s still totally her fault somehow, v DEFINITELY won’t do anything like that again!)

and, like, i’ve never been sure how aware of v’s problems the writer(s) for v’s route are, but it’s still THERE in his route. it hangs over everything. it’s almost funny; v’s route seems to me to seesaw between ‘yeah, this guy is totally dateable! there’s no problems at all, once we just... sweep them under a rug and never address them! pfft, his actions are toooootally heroic! it’s justifiable to let the kid he was supposed to protect die in a fiery blast because he’s been too useless to act for years, right?? yeah! let’s just not think about the implications! it’s fine!’ and in other places it comes off more like ‘is this what you want?? huh?? you want to date the sadsack obsessed with his girlfriend to the point that he helps a cult thrive and doesn’t stop it from kidnapping or drugging people?? that’s your idea of a good time?? well fine, TAKE IT’

his route feels Weird. and uncomfortable. and i don’t understand fans wanting a route for him but — while i think v fans OUGHT to have picked up on his penchant for nonsensical, harmful behavior, yknow, maybe they thought cheritz would... actually deal with these issues fully instead of vaguely acknowledging some faults and never resolving them? so — i definitely don’t understand cheritz going ahead and writing a route for him when he’s... him. because that weirdness and that discomfort and all the problems in his route stem from the fact that V Is A Miserable Little Man Who Fixates On Love To A Frightening Degree And Who Is Willing To Enable And Sometimes Personally Do Heinous Things. as a writer sometimes you’ve gotta say “sorry to disappoint, but no. have a nice day!”

it’s something that was a bit of a relief in saeran’s after end. the narrative very much embraces how shit v’s current AND past behavior has been. This Man Is Not Someone Who Forms Healthy Relationships, it says. all the stuff with the RFA mourning who they THOUGHT v (and rika) were — especially the scenes focused on jumin — make it clear that even his platonic relationships have huge problems. they’re based on massive lies! and he’s willing to betray their trust and throw them away for the sake of his Romanticized Love! it still doesn’t make up my mind about what the writer(s) behind v’s route thought about him bc damn, there was Too Much handwaving going on, but hey! circling back to how they presented his behavior in the main story/secret end! that’s awesome!

(and to contrast with v a bit, saeran is... traumatized and has shitty coping mechanisms and is willing to go extremely far for his cult and has years of brainwashing to undo, BUT. as a kid initially coerced into this situation, and then as a brainwashed adult who fully bought into the lies he was told and thought everything he/the cult did was to help people in desperate need, yes, he has made shit decisions, but it’s nowhere near the level of things that v or rika have done. he didn’t have the agency to make informed decisions! he was a kid! he was kidnapped! unlike them, he had no basis of comparison to say “hmm. maybe this is fucked up.” v DID have that, and he has no goddamn excuse for allowing saeran to be kidnapped, or drugged, or mint eye to thrive and do that to dozens if not hundreds of other people, For Love. so saeran has potential for a route! he needs therapy and he needs to be out of mint eye and his dad needs to be behind bars or 6 feet under so saeran doesn’t have to live in fear, but. i view him as Capable Of Healthy Relationships Eventually. moreso than v, anyway.

so while saeran’s route is a hot mess and i will Always bring up how shit it is to whip out the ‘wacky mental illness that has no basis in reality and is written just to maximize drama, never mind that it’s hugely insulting to those who actually deal with what they’re flanderizing AND that it contradicts all his characterization previously [unless they’re saying that saeran in the main routes/secret end ALWAYS went through that ~merging of split personalities~ before we see him on screen, bc his characterizations had already been a good mix of both personas]’ idea, the INTENT of the route seems more grounded than v’s; it’s about 50% ‘you wanted edgy, so we’ll give you edgy’ and 50% ‘well, this is as good a place as any to expand a little bit on the character growth alluded to in the secret end and go over a few more aspects of how he’s going to have to come to terms with how much of what he believed was a lie and reconcile with his brother.’ it’s also a weird route, and it clashes against some things that were previously established, but from what i remember, the route was at least internally consistent.

...even so, they should not have done saeran’s route the way they did. if they couldn’t come up with any ideas for a route that didn’t involve ‘jekyll and hyde suddenly!’ they just shouldn’t have done a route for him, either.)

[whoacanada]

omgcp fic ideas that never got finished because I bite off more than I can chew all the goddamn time. here are some of my greatest hits as they languish in my save files. stuff in quotes is literally how i just found it in my doc. yeah there’s some dark stuff in here but y’all should know me by now XD

General Concept, ‘Archer’ AU — Bob is obscenely rich and started an independent intelligence agency in the 90s for shits and giggles. When an injury ends Jack’s career prematurely, Bob offers Jack a consulting position at his ‘firm’ and fails to mention he’s already hired Bitty as well.

“Five Times Bitty Was Intimidated By The Zimmermann’s Wealth, And The First Time He Wasn’t” 

Jennifer’s Body AU -- Jack goes missing for several days then mysteriously reappears at a Falconers home game with no explanation to the team, his family, or Eric. People think he went on a bender but Eric thinks his boyfriend may actually be possessed.

“BOB ZIMMERMANN = ANDALITE?????”

Ghost!Jack AU --  “also the league had a meeting and legally deceased players can't score goals. he's technically a 6th man”

Spooky Murder Mystery AU, Part Gone Girl -- Eric Bittle goes missing his Junior year at Samwell. When the investigation exposes Jack’s secret relationship with Eric, the clear suspect in the case is now the closeted athlete with past dependency issues. Jack is eventually exonerated but Eric is never found and declared legally dead. Five years later Eric’s social media accounts reactivate and start publicly baiting the old Samwell crew with deeply personal attacks. Is Eric alive? Are ghosts real? Or if the person who killed Eric back and trying to torture them.

‘Funny’ Apocalypse AU -- Suzanne and Richard met at a party that was actually a cult meeting and now people think their son might be the antichrist. Or, “the real reason the Bittle’s moved to Madison.”

Time Travel -- 2009 Post-Overdose Jack wakes up in 2019. There’s a ring on his finger and man he doesn’t recognize in his kitchen.  

Royal Bitty AU -- MooMaw is a princess and nobody knew. Now her long-lost half-brother wants to bring her home to a small European principality Bitty's never heard of. Between Jack's surprise playoff run and Eric's newfound noble heritage, Senior Year is getting increasingly more complicated.

Royal Jack AU -- No one told Bitty that Jack was literally Hockey Royalty. Canada has a constitutional Monarchy and its own little royal family, a family that Bob Zimmermann is an estranged part of, having had to give up his title and name in his teens to play hockey. Now the world has completely forgotten that 'Bad Bob' Zimmermann was once 19th in line for the Canadian throne. Jack is playing for the Falconers and has just proposed to Bitty when Jack's “great uncle”, the king, dies in a skiing accident. The ensuing chaos reveals that after a series of abdications, deaths and freak accidents, Jack is next in line and will be crowned unless something drastic happens.

[agentdammers]

Grand Torchwood Rewatch 1x12 & 13

IF YOU FALL I WILL CATCH U I’LL BE WAITING........ T I M E A F T E R T I M E

One season down...... It’s a Finale Double Whammy, just as it aired back in 2007! Crumbs of Jack Lore drop into our laps, some absolute plot bullshit takes place, an old man is there!!! fuck it let’s get this over with

content warn: pisstaking, fun having, oh! plot bullshit!, i absolutely lose my fucking mind, Owen Harper!!! I Won’t Hesitate Bitch

1x12 “captain jack harkness”

- a thought before we dive in, but man owen gets A LOT of story stuff over the course of the 2 seasons he’s in right??? like more story stuff than ianto and tosh combined. interesting

- AH FUCK!!! A VOTE SAXON POSTER. REMEMBER WHEN?

- so..... here’s a thing. “Ohhh people have heard music from a derelict building! better send torchwood in!” how... does that come about? Could it be squatters or something??? fuck it, let’s send in a Secret Government Agency! they’ll sort it out. i mean we don’t know what they do exactly but i imagine at least one of them is a ghostbuster or something lmao, whatever

- OH NO THIS CREEPY OLD BITCH!!! i forgot how scary he looked!! god, this dude must be a million, or a vampire, or likely both

- tosh’s eyes get SO BIG WHEN THAT GUY ASKS HER TO DANCE I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!! she’s the best one!!!!!!

- wish i could wipe this episode entirely from my memory because that fucking reveal when the Real jack harkness introduces himself? F    U    C   K

- speaking of tosh, finding it extremely unconvincing that she, a tech nerd, would go out with a laptop with an almost completely flat battery... like, c’mon. she would be prepared

- Gwen cooper, a fully adult woman: haha me and my friends;;;; came here 4 a dare;;; cos its spooky lol....

- the camera on this show has me fucking SCREEEAMING “He wears a cravat.” THERE’S A DRAMATIC SLOW MOTION ZOOM IN ON THIS GUYS FUCKING CRAVAT AND THEN ON IANTO’S FACE LOOKING AT IT AND ITS ALL IN FUCKING EARNEST LET ME DIE!!!!!!!!!

- the dance they’re at is called “KISS THE BOYS GOODBYE DANCE”, which is what my finishing move would be called if i was a character in a fighting game

- ianto and owen slapfighting over their shit girlfriend experiences fucking owns genuinely lmao

- tosh pops the top off a tin and then cuts her hand open on the obviously blunt fucking lid?????? jesus christ

- “I’m tired of living in awe of the rift!!!” .....................first i’ve heard of it. I love that owen is talking as though the rift has been a major fucking factor throughout the entire series up until this point, rather than a thing that’s just been vaguely fucking referenced as the reason why a bunch of weird shit just seems to happen in cardiff. no, im not standing for this. You can’t pull out the rift at the eleventh hour and then talk about it as though it’s a Hugely Important plot device when the biggest role it’s had over the stretch of the entire 11 Whole Ass episodes prefacing this was to allow the plane to come through in “out of time”. y’all have barely mentioned the rift this entire time and now you want to act like its the hellmouth??? eat my ass!!!!!!

- and continuing on that note: apparently they’ve had a machine that can manipulate the rift in the hub......... the entire goddamn time. but no one thought to MENTION it i guess!!!!!!!! pfft, why would THAT be important??? right???? right?????

this plot bullshit almost makes me feel bad for how harsh i was about “cyberwoman” but, i will admit.... despite this Absolute Fucking Nonsense, i do find the jack and tosh storyline in this episode really fun and interesting. its just unfortunate that all the stuff arrrrround that is some kind of fic scrawled in the back of a kid’s math book.

- also the size of owen’s fucking NADS in this episode!!!!!!!! “Don’t compare yourself to me.” SAYS MAN CRYING OVER THE GIRL HE KNEW FOR ONE (1!) (SINGULAR) WEEK!!!! as opposed to ianto’s longterm girlfriend being turned into a monster and eventually murdered by his own team!!!! Like, i understand that’s owen’s problem actually goes beyond that, and its not so much about diane herself but about the fact that he let himself feel close to someone again after his fiancee died but for us, The Audience, watching this as it airs... we haven’t unlocked owen’s tragic backstory yet. and without knowing all that it just makes owen look really bad and like a huge fucking tool lmfao.

- NEVERMIND THE END IS GAY AND SAD AND Y’KNOW!!!!!! i am a man of simple pleasures, at heart, and so... i’ll let it slide. jack meeting his namesake knowing that he’s going to die and them having a moment is more of the kind of emotional content we would get in episodes of doctor who, and its Just Right

- in honesty, theres a bunch of stuff about this ep that i DO like. that tosh gets a prominant role for a change, while gwen gets to do fuck all. the whole Real Jack story. owen gets shot and pops a tit out at the end. its just unfortunate thats its all wrapped up in this rift thing thats been wheeled out last minute for a Big Season Finale with no real foreshadowing or build up to it at all lmao. but, moving on...............................................................................................

1x13 “end of days”

- RHYS BUNS DETECTED, A SOUND WAY TO KICK OFF ANY EPISODE

- lovely reading voice ianto’s got..... i also like owen acting up to make sure we know that they remember him being shot in the shoulder last episode lol.

- “owen, if you open the rift you’ll break it” (owen opens the rift anyway) “owen, you opening the rift broke it” (owen GASPS IN DISMAY, ME??? REALLY?) yes bitch open your ears

- “So are we going to sit around crying into our lattes or are we gonna do something about it?” OWEN..... IS THIS. SUPPOSED TO SOUND BADASS I.... GENUINELY CANT TELL? IT SOUNDS BAD, OWEN

- jack was so likeable last ep now he’s a DICK. gwen calls him out on how he talked to owen and he’s really fucking catty at HER for no reason at all????

- i haaaaaaaaate this scene in the hospital where a Mystery Illness has all the fucking symptoms of the bubonic plague but apparently every doctor in the entire hospital never did high school level history and are all incapable of recognising it. if fucking *i* know what symptoms of the bubonic plague are im sure they didn’t need Absolute Brain Genius Owen Harper who is seemingly the only person with any sense in cardiff to come in and diagnose it. i also hate how owen just like casually mentions to the doctor yep, this is caused by people falling through time dude yknow!!! like they do!! expect more of this to keep happening probably idk!!

- “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU OPENED THE RIFT WITH THIS MACHINE WE HAVE THAT’S FOR UHHHHHHHH UHHHHHHH OPENING THE RIFT *big fuck off galaxy brain*” thats basically this episode.

- i love that owen has followed jack all this time but NOW in a crisis is the time to actually lose it and start questioning his authority bc they dont Actually know who jack is like???? you’ve been fine not knowing this entire time before??? thats not to say that jack isn’t an entire dumbass himself. he expects them all to follow him blindly and its so creepy. he’s like a cult leader, and as they all have Torchwood Stockholm Syndrome that ive mentioned in previous episode run downs they’ve all just gone along with it.

- owen having a little cry on the way out is such a Good scene bc he puts on such a brave and defiant front tho 💕💖💘💕

- i dont know why the really quick flashback to diane flying off in the plane made me lose my fucking mind, its just like “LMAO IN CASE U FORGOT: SHE WAS THE PLANE LADY. I KNOW SHE WAS ONLY IN FOR LIKE TWO MINUTES, BUT DONT WORRY ABOUT IT.”

- gwen for fucks sake!!!!!!!! not again!!!!! after all the cryptic shit and lies she’s told rhys up until this point, she now knocks him out and locks him in a cell and STILL offers no explanation. this poor fucking dude!!!!!!!!! and it’s about to get even worse for him...

- the way gwen screams “RHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUURRRRRSSSSS”

- YES EVERYONE REBEL AGAINST JACK!!!!!!! FUCK THIS DUDE!!!! you’re doing what a creepy old dude who is Absolutely Definitely evil wants, but still

- why does gwen start doing shit on the computer when toshiko, the computer expert, is standing right there, like.............

- JACK TRYING TO SMACKTALK TO ENTIRE GANG LIKE HIS OWN CLOSET ISN’T CHOCKFUL OF FUCKING SKELETONS

- i forget, does anyone know jack’s immortal apart from gwen? or was it just the shock of owen actually Shooting Their Boss? the only onscreen death i can recall of his after suzie shot him was in “cyberwoman”

- god, minutes ago they were all like FUCK JACK!!!! JACK DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO SAVE US AFTER ALL!!! and now theyre all crawling back asking jack to save them all from cgi pig Ganon and its just..... a lot to happen, over the space of about half an hour.

- the ending is so anticlimatic and also why does sucking all the Yummy Life Energy out of jack make abaddon die?????????? Though in its defence... after like 3 bowls of cereal, i too am like OUCH OOF MY BONES

- aaaaaaaaaand rhys is back! will he get treated any better from here on out? i dont remember!!! guess we’ll see.

- bit much of gwen who’s actually known jack the shortest time of them all to be like NO, let ME be with him uwuwuwuuw

- ahhh!!! ianto smelling jack’s coat ;_;

- aaaand jack’s back too. AND HE GETS TO HOLD A CRYING OWEN? FOR ME? oh you shouldn’t have! this Almost makes up for all that rift plot bullshit (almost. i still know what u did.)

- ANDDDDD OH SHIT. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE GOOD ENDING. HERE COMES THE TARDIS. FUCKING YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...............................and there it goes. one season down. sorry this one was so long!!! i love and appreciate anyone to takes the time to read these posts. thank u!!!!

[tranxendance]

Westworld Spoilercast Rebuttal

So I made the thing because I feel like Woolie on the super best friendcast dismissed a lot of things that were good, and latched on to a few things that were bad and that seems to have ruined his experience. Readmore because I wrote a lot. Singlequotes are Woolie’s paraphrased remarks from the spoilercast video.

'Maeve has to take human hostages to get done what she wants done'

Sylvester was sympathetic and went along with it willingly. The other tech guy whose name I forget didn't believe Maeve was awoken UNTIL she started issuing threats.

'Fear for their lives, then punch off the clock, go home...and come back into being a hostage'

There's no going home from westworld island, everyone lives on-site. Again, they weren't really hostages despite being threatened by Maeve at times.

'So then you have to account for human incompetence'

Yes, Woolie, a main part of why the hosts managed to become awoken in the first place is that all these people want to keep their lucrative jobs and put up the big numbers and at every level we're shown people that want to keep their status by sweeping actual problems under the rug.

'The dumbest part is soldiers with guns coming in and seeing robots shooting people and yelling PUT IT DOWN'

Maybe. When hosts started acting up before, they always would just shout “freeze all motor functions” and it worked.

'These future soldiers with body armor and machineguns and ATVs are getting killed by dudes on horses with revolvers' 'You can say they've been modified, but we don't see that at all'

There's arguments on both sides here, I think removing the limiters to not kill, and not stop functioning when you take a human-like level of damage did this, but we aren't explicitly shown it, so maybe. Also, for the time being there's a lot LESS of the human mercenaries than there are hosts in these battles, and even then the hosts take big losses.

'They have the humans with machineguns walking into range of the people with the shit guns and dropping dead' (at the fort battle)

But the humans won that battle...like, they clearly trounced the Hosts, and this was by design so that they'd get in range of the Nitro trap. Them walking forward slowly and shooting is a little odd maybe instead of taking coolguy tactical covering positions but the end result would've been the same of them winning and then getting blown the fuck up as they're finishing off the confederados outside the walls. This is probably like a fight choreography fail because HBO likes to skimp on this sort of thing for some reason.

'Maeve going through her problems, she can literally wave her hands and make the problems go away'

Except Maeve wakes hosts only willingly. She does this for Akane who rejects her offer. She says later that she uses her powers to make hostile hosts kill each other because by attacking her 'they made their choice'. A bit weak of a justification? Maybe, but if she didn't and just forced everyone to obey her she'd be the same character as Dolores

'They take a completely useless detour to samurai world'

This whole thing was intended to show another, mostly still functioning park running with the same rules as westworld was. There are zero humans left in shogun world, and it's pretty much been left to its own devices and hosts are living their own lives and making their own stories even without human intervention. We needed to see Shogun World not just because it's cool, but to demonstrate that the hosts absolutely don't need humans in order to affirm their humanity.

'Ha ha, i've cut off my men's ears so they can't hear your commands'

Well yeah, but the actor also gestures to give his men orders, so the verbal part of his orders are probably just for the audience. If I was him I definitely would've agreed on a couple of gestures that mean certain things, and they definitely were planning on taking Maeve captive before this, so it seems obvious to me they woud've agreed that 'a sweeping arm gesture' means to take them away. Not really a plothole, just a tv-thing that Woolie is reading too much into.

'There's never really a concrete reasoning why (Delores says) some hosts can be free or not'

He's right, there isn't. Delores is kind of a psychopath and is promising these hosts freedom knowing that she's going to be sacrificing all but 5 of them. It's classic cult leader shit. If you work real hard and kill lots of humans for me you too can be saved. it's a lie she feeds them to justify to them why she kills some and uses others for her own ends and so on.

'Seeing the symbol (awakes hosts) but there's also this ear worm of 'violent delights bring violent ends''

The Maze is a host-created symbol that helps other hosts awaken. The spoken command was created by Bernard to unlock hosts' ability to kill humans. While it's not clear if the maze-awakening also gives you the ability to kill humans and those awakened hosts simply did not do so, or if they needed the secondary command before they could. Non-awoken hosts that get the verbal command usually just become tools of Delores.

'There's a whole thing of hearing the inner voice and realizing 'this is me' but the guy that did that to Delores just walks up and sees the wood carving and goes 'I hear the voice' skipping all that'

Bernard spends two seasons getting pushed around to develop his struggle, and mistakes the Ford-voice for not being himself for awhile.

'Delores has the godlike ability to modify people with an Ipad' 'She reprograms Teddy to be a super accurate killer assassin dude' 'And basically has the ability to nullify all of her problems by keeping this ipad around'

Can't reprogram humans. Teddy rejected his changes and was driven to suicide. I'd say human soldiers are Delores' biggest problem, not other hosts, and that it's not the magic bullet she thought it was since Teddy ended up killing himself because of it. Also they go over the point over and over again that having backups or any ability to come back from death or be modified makes you not human in her eyes. Like, this was a major plot point and reasoning for why Delores does most of the things she does, you can't have missed this. She realizes around this time that open conflict is not going to win her freedom, and that having respawning, perfectly accurate shooting host army will eventually get overrun by a larger military force when it comes to the island so she swaps over to commando raids and ultimately wins by stealth.

'Mwaha, can't wait to kill you, ms. main character' and it cuts back to her on the gurney 'ooh you're gonna get it someday' 'Four or five episodes go by of just her lying on a table' 'Then she just decides i'm gonna take control of these dead bodies that are in here and free myself' 'She could've done it at any time and had to do it at this moment because the plot required it'

Maeve is extending her consciousness to other bodies this whole time and even listens to Akecheta's story through her daughter. After she's gathered all the information she can and knows there's somewhere she can escape to, and the six or so hosts in her control range can fight off the small amount of humans between her and freedom, only then does she enact her escape plan. 'Then they're in the cradle and a human soldier comes in to stop the hosts from destroying it but ther'es like a sexy host in there' 'Why do they care about the host-backups?'

They care about protecting the host backups because Ford is in there, and I think it's a big investment of dollars for Delos. The leader of the merc guys getting a boner and losing is pretty weird though, I don't know how to defend this one. Guess it was the moment of the villain gloating because he thinks he won? This moment is in fact kind of goofy.

'Why are we keeping a bunch of guest data? They never really explain why they're keeping all this stuff'

Because having multiple personalities 'vet' an incoming copy for fidelity and having real people's personalities to test with is valuable to creating more copies. Bernard was created by other people’s recollections of how Arnold was, after all. It's also not said but in the original westworld movie, they made robot copies of politicians and powerful people and replaced them. So this is a tie-in to the old movie or novel as well.

'Bernard has zero agency as a character'

But this whole thing of people pushing him around, using him for their ends, hurting him emotionally was the suffering he needed to awaken. You questioned this yourself earlier. Bernard is the most important character because the whole thing of him starting to make decisions on his own is what starts all of this stuff off. He decides to scramble himself so he'll be unhelpful to the humans when they force him to cooperate with them. He decides to do all these things and justify it to himself as it being Ford's programming, but that was his internal voice of him awakening.

'They are building up some secret about the man in black, there's something about him they're holding back' 'The story's not telling us what it is'

Sure it does. You got tricked. You thought that the secret was just what we the audience already knew, that TMIB is a bad person that pretends to be a good guy and that ruined his family life. But it's actually that TMIB was a host for most of season 2, and a lot of the violence and awfulness was him on his loop.

'And then there's this moment of sacrifice where this guy decides to sacrifice himself in this big blaze of glory'

Yeah, Lee had a redemption arc, to prove that some humans can change, even if the majority of us will remain violent selfish assholes as a matter of human nature. His actual sacrifice while shouting the lines he wrote is a little odd, but I got it that he was just trying to buy as much time as possible, deliberately shooting to miss to keep the Delos mercs' heads down and listening to him, and that they keep trying to talk him down because he's clearly not even killing any of them. Unspoken, but that's what I thought during this.

'They've taken the one that they put the power (To make all the other hosts kill each other) and put her on a horse, thus locking her to a slow horse speed'

Except everyone else in universe thinks that too, and they kill her, only for the rate of infection to keep going, and maybe even faster since now it's being passed up the line from host to host as well and her individual proximity doesn't matter after she infected one of them.

'There's all these things in the opening (...) But robirth never happens'

What about the ending when Delores in Tessa Thompson's body remakes people's bodies on the outside of the park?

'This dude, William, takes six shots to the body and manages to not only be fine but shoot armed soldiers'

He takes six shots and dies, and is made into a host-human hybrid. Future space medicine couldn't save him at that point.

'And the torture of being that paranoid apparently wasn't bad enough?'

No, clearly not, because William is a sociopath. He begins to believe that people shouldn't come back from the dead, and sort of stops trying to make the James Delos hybrid. The thing he would hate the most would be to be brought back to life, over and over, just like is father-in-law that he's had to watch breakdown and go insane over and over again, and there he is, now a hybrid himself.

I feel like Woolie missed a lot of things, or had a hate boner for it and dismissed things when he shouldn't. Such as the really (to my mind) obvious and strong differentiation between Maeve and Delores, where Delores takes, but Maeve asks. And she says things like 'I'm doing what I have to do to make it out' and in the end she's the only one that makes it out. Or downplaying Lee's redemption arc, or saying Bernard has no agency when he's the one that causes most of these things to happen, and the voice of Ford is actually his own thoughts. Him calling Shogunworld 'fanservice' hurts me the most because seeing a mostly functioning park post-disaster and having these hosts living their lives and making their own stories without any human interference was one of the most interesting things for me.

[brothermouzongaming]

Far Cry 5 thots, hoeps, and fiirs

In my post about my most anticipated games of 2018, I talked about (and by “talked” I mean “masturbated furiously”) Far Cry. As I said, I love Far Cry, I have always enjoyed the empowering feeling that Far Cry gives you as a “regular dude” as far as the later iterations are concerned. That bow in my hands is like home to me, like seeing Old Trafford in FIFA, or when you find that first 10mm in FallOut. Shit gives me chills. Crouching in your vantage point, marking targets and tracking positions. Watching. Waiting. Most missions, from this point, allow the player complete freedom to in soft and quiet, or hard and bombastic. Each a challenge in their own right and an art form once perfected. I’m a little upset I never got around to Primal, cause I heard mixed things but that was bound to be the case given the sharp pivot in the setting. At the time, in January my Marvel-loving ass was coming through Lego Marvel, and then in March I was one of the poor fucks tricked into The Division. I grappled with that game for longer than I’d like to admit, more on that at another time. 

I was going to talk about how Far Cry isn’t that unique, open world games have been in style for a long time now. How they have in some ways become the forefront of the development priorities is (to me) a good thing. I believe that a lot can be done in this setting and more importantly, it can be expanded upon greatly as technology advances. I will say, it may be getting a bit stale in the realm of third person. The Witcher, Uncharted, MGSV, Horizon Zero Dawn, Watch Dogs 2,TC: Wildlands, TC: The Divison, Mafia 3, AC Origins, Dragon Age *catches breath* what I’m saying is, there are a lot. Again, not complaining but I did list an assortment for good reason. My point is, the true first-person open world experience is surprisingly limited.   In other action games like Dying Light, FallOut 4, Dishonored, and I will count GTA5 since it does allow for first-person and when you play it on single player I do get a similar feeling (especially since the cover system is decent in that game). So I guess In a way Far Cry is more unique in its concept, as well as basic in its design. Fary Cry is safe for the most part, seldom Primal, hopefully FC5 will capitalize and push the envelope just a little further. 

Far Cry always feels like your personal action movie in a less over-the-top looney way Just Cause offers. No zombie apocalypse as fun as Dying Light is. Dishonored is fantastic but again it’s roots in fantasy have a way of losing my immersion as well as enhancing it. Weird right? FallOut 4 was the most action-heavy of the series to the point where I was referring to it as an action game with RPG mechanics rather than the inverse. In Far Cry, it’s just grounded enough to feel like you’re having fun in the real world; while still offering the off the wall fun things like animals, helicopters, and the more unconventional ways of killing people. Sidenote: watch that highlight reel cause that person is fucking godly. 

Thots

This looks like it will be the most expanded upon game in the series. I feel like this might be a “FC2 to FC3″ kind of jump and I’m not just talking gameplay. This story looks like it could really push the franchise in a new direction. The social commentary is almost jarring. It’s just not what I expected from the series even with the semi-political FC4. On top of that, they are finally abandoning the essentially faceless protagonist. 3′s is barely there, and 4′s protagonists story was good and clever in a handful of ways. He was just a blandybland frontman of the blandband. It’s about time they just let us make our own character. The arsenal looks varied and deeper than games before, with an emphasis on melee. The animations themselves for melee kills looks pretty good, I’m hoping Ubisoft put more of those kinds of weapons in forced them to mix it up a bit. The same knife kills, over and over, and over again. It actually will make me want to use them I think, given they were sparsely found across the whole series if you ask me. I’ve been hearing a lot of talk about “player agency” which focusses on the players' relationship with the world and how they directly affect and change it with their actions. As far as I’m concerned that might be the other shot in the arm this franchise needs. If I’m gonna take a fuck ton of towers and outposts, I want to see how each one changes the landscape in the battle against the cult. Not just new map areas and fast travel points. 

Hoeps

I hope this game can break new ground in the terms of what the franchise is known for doing. The story-centric approach is interesting, FC has always featured some kind of attempt at a compelling story. This is, however, their first attempt at something so politically driven. FC4 had some politics but no one batted an eye at them. Clearly, 5 features something tangible despite how removed it is from reality. So much so there was an uproar against this game by people who would probably refer to me and people like me as “snowflakes”. The irony is not lost on me, I have it right here next to my vicarious embarrassment. I hope they can use the story to drive the player and push them towards freedom, not fence them in. I hope the gameplay and events are more than story mission, towers, and outposts with the occasional hidden secret thingy. This game has every reason to be the Phantom Pain of the Far Cry series, nothing compares but you get what I mean. Maybe Splinter Cell Conviction is a better one to use. 

Fiirs

After The Division pre-release fiasco: involving the trailer they put out vs the game that was given on release. I doubt I’ll ever take anything I see without more than a grain of salt. I’m also worried this game may not ship in the best condition, two poor moves Ubisoft has made many-a-time in the past. Aside from those arguably large points, I feel good that I don’t have too much to worry about. Ubisoft has their fair share of faults, I just hope they can learn from EA and use their slip-ups to really push their product quality. 

[hideandseaking]

Space Campaign Adventures Session 1

I’ve been working on this campaign for months partially due to my players taking forever to get a character ready and partially due to the fact that we’re all adults who have busy lives but I digress. It’ll be in bulletpoints for the most part because I’m a little busy to be writing out the entire 6 hour session but I hope it’s still enjoyable

Exposition: The campaign is using The New World of Darkness... most of which I have homebrewed at this point. It’s in the year 6520 where galaxies are exploitable and there is an intergalactic government. The government hires teams of people to work for the agency of the Alien Relations Registry (ARR) where they may be assigned to bounty hunting, planet exploration, or rescue missions. These teams are given their own ship to live on and are paid for doing their missions. It’s a good job for people in need of money. We will be following the crew of the... Peetza Ship. Below the cut are the details.

Character introductions:

Art by @marche-towers

Dalmatian Ladyworld (Played by Dan)

“And remember that bad times... are just times that are bad.” - Katrina, Animal Crossing

Dalmation “Dal” Ladyworld is a naive 23 year old Earth Human who is obsessed with space racing (think of NASCAR). He was raised as the son of a couple who owns a vacation planet, Planet Ladyworld. He spent a lonely existence on the planet as a child who was raised to one day own the planet and run it himself. Handy with gadgets, Dal created his own communicator with an AI hologram named COSM-0. COSM-0′s entire function is to open doors. Upon learning a terrible secret about himself, he fled the planet in scorn and anger at his parents for hiding this secret from him. He took an escape pod and left his planet behind without a plan for himself. After floating in space with no food and out of fuel, he is found by Avicia Wolfe (listed below). She rescues him and takes him into her home with her family. The two decide to become part of the ARR and explore planets and rescue people. Dal is not very into bounty hunting as he is wary of guns.

Art by @krissanthimum

R’ango Charles Wimbleton (Played by Brandon)

“Skate fast eat ass give em whiplash” - Unknown

“R’ango” Charles Wimbleton is a 2 year old (47 on his planet, physically mid-20s) Lizard sentient from the planet Argourithax 9. This 2′11″ (0.7m) tall Lizard is a sharpshooting bounty hunter who does not follow the rules very well. R’ango’s colder planet hosts four quadrants where Poultry, Rats, and Otters live in their own quadrants and fight for power. His mother raised him to be a rough and tough child, who is tougher than even he. He wields two laser guns which he uses with expertise. He has been bounty hunting for the past year and has not been able to keep himself on a team for very long. Usually outlasting them in combat or leaving leaving them behind, R’ango has been gaining a lot of exasperation from the ARR for his apathy and callousness towards team members. He has been assigned to the Peetza Ship crew to protect them as the rest of them are new to the ARR.

Art by me (:

Avicia Wolfe (Played by Ally @girl-wonderbread​)

“My soul is in the sky.” - Pyramus, A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Avicia Wolfe is a 20 year old Temper Human. Temper Humans are a sub-species of Human where their skin color indicates the climate that they can withstand. Avicia can withstand both extremely hot and cold climates. She is a pizza-loving mechanic who is obsessed with space ship racing. She works for Wolfe Chartering Services, a company in which her parents own, and is expected to inherent the company. Though her parents are kind and are not pressuring Avicia to take claim of the company for quite some time, Avicia is anxious about the pressure to take on the company. She believes her younger sister is much more suited for the job than she is. Avicia one day finds Dalmatian Ladyworld (see above) floating along in space and rescues him from dying of starvation while on a transport job in her personal ship. She takes him into her home and they quickly become best friends. Eventually, they decide to join the ARR together and form a team so Avicia can find herself.

Art by Michael (no social media exists for him), clothing is wrong as Issac wears coral armor

Issac Zeharkatzen (Played by Michael)

“Question everything.” - Unknown

Issac is a 19 year old Merfolk from the planet Födelseort who wields a trident and loves to research and learn. He is organized and considered a jack of all trades with a lot of motivation for success and progress. Issac’s tribe had been manipulated by a cult leader for most, if not all, of Issac’s life. Issac and his father one day found out that the cult leader was a shapeshifter who was manipulating the tribe into a cult, and Issac and his father planned to flee the planet. Unfortunately, his father got caught in the fray and was captured, but Issac managed to escape. He traveled on galactic spacebuses (they go from planet to planet) for a few months, trying to find his way around the technological world that he was unfamiliar with. Eventually, he found himself on planet Discopia, where an Intergalatic Government Headquarters resides, and learned that he could become part of the ARR for their vast amount of research resources, and decided to join.

Session 1:

Dal and Avicia are already excitedly hanging out in the waiting room to meet their new team members when Issac arrives

Issac pretty much immediately explains that he ran away from a cult and just puts his whole issues on the table for his team mates

Dan, Ally, and Michael + Me all realized that they all made socially awkward characters and that this may be a rough start

R’ango bangs his ship (see below) on the side of the headquarters with a pretty shoddy park job

He jumps out and walks into to the building without much of a thought and starts snarking the receptionists to take him to meet his new crew members

He walks into the waiting room, unhappy about another reassignment, and immediately flirts with Avicia who doesn’t reciprocate

Dal is afraid of R’ango’s guns and is immediately wary of him as a person

The receptionist explains that he’s there to make sure they don’t get hurt, and R’ango immediately get irritated that he’s “babysitting”

After their introductions are stated, the receptionist takes them to get the hangar to get their crew ship. She explains that the crew ships have detachable rooms so they may decorate them as much as they desire because the rooms can be recovered.

They walk through the hangar to get to their ship and see that they get one of the most beat up and disgusting crew ships. It’s a dull camo green and has a bunch of dents and dings on it. The receptionist explains that the new crews get less expensive ships because they are lower on the ranking and if they climb the ranking they can get a better ship

Avicia asks if the ship is named and the receptionist answers no which causes a group excitement

She gives them a tour of the ship to explain that the living area is also a “cockpit” as the controls are lined with the windows, there is a kitchen, 6 bedrooms total (”Just incase”), a holding cell, a small gym, a bathroom, and a space to hold two small ships. R’ango and Avicia’s ship (see below) are stored there already.

A computer also holograms out of the table in the living area, and each room has a full-sized bed, a desk with a hologram computer, a bed-side dresser, and a closet. A window also exists in each room.

She finally explains that there is an AI called WONDA built into the ship program who can help them with pretty much anything (a good Siri?) and leaves them to their own devices to leave when they please

The group asks R’ango how he got kicked out of his other groups and he recounts two occurrences where they:

Went to a Zombie infected planet and his teammate touched a brain and got the scent on him which led the zombies to them and he was killed

Went to Planet SeaWorld for a diving mission and Shamu ate his teammates

Avicia interrupts this to go choose her room because she finds this ridiculous

The group plays around on the ship for awhile after choosing their rooms

R’ango’s room is already pre-decorated and decides to take out a stash of raw rat meat he had been storing there

Avicia puts up a poster of her favorite Justicia Galactic Racer, Westley Knoberskit

Dal starts to put his clothing and items away

Issac starts taking notes in a small journal of what to get for his room

Avicia eventually starts looking through the specs of the ship so she could fly it after seeing that their first mission is an assigned rescue mission

The rescue mission resides on planet Igathan in the Playdoh Solar System (the Solar System over, as they reside in the Justicia System at the moment) which is a planet with sentient plant-life and a person called Virgilio crashed onto two days ago

Avicia gets on the phone with a hangar personnel to leave the hangar and he tells her that she can’t leave yet

She has to name the ship so they can identify it and the name suggestions were:

The Nut Buster

Ginormoboy

Teetering Disaster

Debby

Salad Bowl Bowl

The CONCHious

Little Chauncey

Fluffysmacka

The Salty Pineapple

Caustic Spittle

Lil Chicken Wing

And then decide on Pizza Ship (pun of Piece of Shit for their ship)

When Avicia says that, the personnel states that Pizza Ship is taken but there is Pizza-Ship14 and Pizza-Ship20 still available

They try Peetza Ship and when the personnel says that’s acceptable they immediately decide to start choosing fonts for their ship.....:

The hangar has to be cleared for them to leave so Avicia has to wait for that entire process

Meanwhile, Issac realizes there is a computer in the living room and decides to try to use Google for the first time

He asks WONDA to help with using the computer as he never has before. This resulted in him grabbing at the screen and shaking the mouse rapidly. Dal heard the commotion and decided to come over

He helps Issac navigate to google and says he can search whatever he wants on it

Michael: “Issac just searches ‘Trident’. What comes up?” Me: “Mmm well normal stuff for tridents! A wikipedia article, some tridents for sale, some information blogs, some videos....” Michael: “Okay. Issac sees this and says ‘Amazing,’ and then he gets up and leaves.”

Dal decides that he’s going to use the open computer to order stuff from Amazon but first he tries to introduce WONDA to his personal AI, COSM-0

They hate each other so Dal decides just to search Amazon

While Issac walks back to his room, he hears the sound of lips smacking and guttural eating from R’ango’s room and peeks in

He sees R’ango surrounded by raw meat and eating it

Issac approaches him and asks him about it, recognizing that it is some sort of small creature, but not what

Issac: “This looks a little weird.” R’ango: “That’s because you’re hungry! Have some.”

Issac takes a small bit and tastes it. He immediately knows that it’s disgusting and turns away to hide him spitting it out and pocketing it, but R’ango sees it and starts to laugh

Issac records it into his journal and goes back to his room to leave R’ango to eat

Avicia finally gets the OK to leave and looks up on Google Maps how long it would take them to normally fly to Igathan because they only have enough in the hyper drive for 2 warps a week and she wants to conserve them

It would take a whole month to just travel there

So she decides to hyper drive

After getting out of the hangar she immediately punches it without telling the others

R’ango and his meat are flung against the wall. His raw meat is splattered everywhere and ruined

Issac manages to catch himself and not fall but a line from his pen marks all of the pages in his journal

Dal tries to catch himself from flying off the back of the couch but he misses and smacks into the wall in back of him

And as soon as it starts it ends and they’re outside of the lush green planet of Igathan

Suddenly R’ango screams: MY MEAT

Issac rushes over and sees the meat everywhere and goes to help R’ango but R’ango is seething. He decides to go exchange some words with Avicia before cleaning up the meat

Avicia is looking at the weapons with WONDA and is given an item that will help them with the mission. It’s a small wooden dog that when thrown to the ground will transform into a Shiba Inu Rescue Sniffer which will lock onto a scent and follow it. Dal is interested but still peeling himself off the wall and regaining his bearings

Avicia chooses a laser sword that acts as a light saber but weaker and clips it onto her hilt when R’ango storms over

He starts to pick a fight with her about not telling anyone about the hyper drive and how his entire food stash is splattered on the wall

Avicia states that there’s food in the kitchen and Dal says that he would help R’ango cook if he’s too short for the countertops

The counters can readjust, as WONDA informs them, and R’ango stomps off angry that they’re not accommodating him and goes to help Issac clean up his room

Avicia calls Issac and R’ango to the living area after they’re done cleaning so they can prep for the mission

She pulls up a hologram of Igathan where the location of Virgilio’s ship was last spotted

They decide that they’re going to take Avicia and R’ango’s ships down to the planet while the Peetza Ship stays around orbit since it’s their living area

They take off to the planet and we decided to take an intermission

Intermission:

Dan got ice cream and has to use a soup ladel to eat it which sparks a conversation of what spoon we would choose out of a list of spoons

Brandon thought we were..... picking spoons as a weapon........ fjadslkdghfg

When we returned to the game, my players would not stop interrupting me on my description of the planet?? hmmmm impatient

Ally: “I leave the ship-” Me: “I haven’t even said you landed yet! I was gonna describe the place!”

Dal: “I like it here. (:” Me: “You’re not even on the planet yet! I said it’s ‘lush’ and that’s it!” Dan: “Omg I meant the inside of Avicia’s ship!” Me: .

Avicia lands her ship fine while R’ango’s single seat ship clips a tree and crashes into the ground and slides 20ft away

Everyone jumps out of Avicia’s ship to check on R’ango but he’s okay

Me: “Okay, so all the plant-life here is at least 7ft tall or bigger so like...” Ally: “It’s like we’re in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids!”

The group rolls perception to see if they can find sight or sound of Virgilio’s ship and these were the results

Dal (rolled 0 successes): Oh, these are very nice trees! All the plant-life is bigger than us. (:

Avicia: (rolled 1 success): I guess I’ll check farther from R’ango’s ship

Rang’o (3 successes): *dusting himself off and glances up, seeing a wing of a ship in the brush a ways away*

Issac: (4 successes): Oh look! I think there’s something over here

They find Virgilio’s ship and see that it was probably shot down and crashed into this planet. The hatch is closed and everyone tries to pry it open but everyone is a weakling baby here

Dal pries open the finger-print lock to try to hack into it but he doesn’t recognize the technology. Avicia recognizes it but doesn’t really know how to fix it

Dal decides that he’s going to use a bat that he got from the ship to try to smash the window

When he hits the window it bounces off and hits him right in the face, giving him a nice nosebleed

R’ango starts cackling at him and Avicia and Issac notice the bushes rustling behind them

Four thorny vines start to slither out of the bushes and R’ango notices it now too while Dal is too busy holding his head

Avicia tries to reason with the vines that they’re not there to hurt the plants and asks for where Virgilio is while taking out her sword

A vine grapples her and R’ango shoots it to get off of her and it releases her but it still looking for a fight

Avicia tries one more time to reason with it but it’s a chance roll

A chance roll is where they roll a d10 and if they roll a 1 it’s the worst failure logically allowed and if it’s a 10 it’s like pulling off a crazy ass move that wouldn’t normally work

Me, to myself: “Ha, she’s trying to reason with plants this is funny-” Ally: “I GOT A 10.” Group: SCREAMING

Me: ....... Well I guess the vines decide to slither away..............

After that knock to the head, Dal realizes that COSM-0 opens doors and sticks the communicator on the door

He narrowly dodges the hatch bursting open and Dal and R’ango climb into the cockpit while Avicia and Issac stay on guard for more vines

Dal is rolling almost entirely terribly and doesn’t notice anything about the ship while R’ango sees that it was taken down and that the guy probably left unharmed

Dal decides to use the Shiba Inu Rescue Sniffer and throws it on the ground, revealing a black and white Shiba Inu

Me: “The dog is like Black Hayate-” Dal: “Lets call them Sandy. (:”

Dal has no experience with dogs and therefore doesn’t know how to tell gender so Avicia does it for him and realizes that Sandy is a girl

Sandy gets onto a trail and starts to follow it while the others follow her

They go for about 2 miles until she stops at a very large thorn bush and starts barking at it

There’s some rustling inside of it and they notice that there are small openings for creatures around R’ango’s size to enter

Three smaller thorn bush creatures walk out of the openings and I describe them like thorny tangela for the ease of my players (most of the creatures I use are made up so I can’t provide real pictures)

They manage to walk past the three while they are staring curiously at the group and Avicia squats down to talk to them but yields nothing as they have no mouths and can’t answer her so she yells at the bush for Virgilio but doesn’t receive an answer

They’re wondering if he’s inside the bush and Dal decides to try to check out an opening one of the vine boys came out of but he can’t see anything

He sticks his hand in and a thorny vine shoots out and wraps around his wrist, cutting into him

Dal starts struggling with the vine and Issac wraps his arms around Dal and tries to help pull him out but one of the outside vinegelas wraps a vine around Issac’s ankle and cuts into him too

The vine boys start to attack everyone and combat starts

R’ango pulls out a gun and tries to intimidate them but they are unphased

Avicia pulls out her sword and tries to set Dal free but she misses the vine completely while Dal and Issac are pulling on it

Dal gets his bat while a vinegela whips Avicia in the thigh for trying to attack the vine from the bush

Issac lets go of Dal to try to stab the vine around his ankle with an energy trident but misses

The one wrapped around his ankle sprays him and Dal with thorns and cuts them heavily

R’ango starts shooting at the vinegelas but he doesn’t kill any which causes one to set his sights on R’ango and spray him with thorns, immediately taking him down to 1 slot of health left (he only has 4)

Sandy barks at that vinegela to try to intimidate it and the group is like

Dal tries to whack at the vine but misses and a vinegela whacks Avicia again while she grabs Dal and tries to pull him out some more and they finally release him from the vine but his wrist is blood and hurts

Issac tries to stab at the vine and gets it, causing the vine guy to retract. He tries to hit Issac with a vine whip but it just hits his coral armor

The vinegela distracted by Sandy tries to whip at her but she dodges out of the way and R’ango aims and shoots the vinegela dead and hides behind a tree, but terrifies Sandy in the process

Dal screams that he wants to help Sandy and for Avicia to let go of him

Avicia gets hit by another vine as she runs over to Sandy and scoops her up and starts running away from combat

Issac, now free, starts squaring up with a vinegela and misses a stab with the trident while it also is just hitting armor

R’ango shoots the one that attacked Avicia dead and Dal runs over and kicks the vinegela but gets a thorn in his foot in the process

Issac skewers the vinegela but it’s wriggling and R’ango shoots it while Dal books it away from the scene as well

R’ango follows and Issac starts to survey the area and sees that behind the giant thorn bush is a large canyon where mushrooms are sprouting up from the bottom of the canyon. Their tops are at level with where Issac is at and they are close enough that someone could jump across one by one. Further down the canyon is a forest about a mile down

Dal immediately gets out of breath after begging Avicia to return Sandy so he walks back to Issac while R’ango catches up with Avicia

Dal looks over the side of the cliff and then goes back around to the thorn bush with Issac because they believe that the thorn bush is tied to Virgilio

They hide behind some trees and decide to throw a stone at the bush and it starts to rustle again which induces PANIC into both Issac and Dal and they both stay hidden until the rustling stops

They decide not to do that again and Dal says that they should call Avicia to bring Sandy back because she obviously brought them there for a reason

Issac doesn’t have a phone and Dal’s communicator is the level of a walkie-talkie/pager but he calls Avicia

Avicia and R’ango are just walking together with Sandy in tow back to their ships and Avicia asks where Dal was and he says he ran out of breath so he just went back to the bush with Issac

He tells Avicia to bring back Sandy and she says she’s going to fly the ship over with her so Dal decides to send his location to her after Issac asks if it’s smart for her to fly the ship in the jungle with all the trees but Dal has faith in her

While getting to the ships, Avicia asks R’ango if he wants to just be in her ship and they can ride together but R’ango says he wants to fly his ship and he’ll catch up with her

Avicia smoothly makes the 5 minute flight over to Dal and Issac

R’ango gets inside his ship and decides to smoke “Lizard Weed” and hotbox his ship

Brandon: “Okay. Let’s drive.” Me: “Well, you gotta do Dexterity + Drive but you get a -2 for being injured like you are, and a -1 for being high.” Brandon: “What! Um! This lizard weed is special and-” Me: “No! Omg! fjadsfdl If it’s lizard weed then it’s weed for lizards and it does the same as regular weed!” Brandon: “Have you smoked it!” Me: “Yes!” Brandon: “I mean lizard weed!” Me: “No, but you haven’t either! Take a -1 so it’s a -3 total!” Brandon and I: *start to laugh* Brandon: “Okay, fine, fine.”

R’ango does so poorly on his roll to even take off that he slams on the gas and jettisons the ship right up into a branch which slams him back down into the ground from the momentum

Ally: “Holy shit...” Me: “It’s fine he has a sturdy, expensive ship. That he crashes.” Ally: “He’s just crashing this expensive ship!?” Me: “Yea, imagine like having a Mustang and just dinging it and denting it. That’s R’ango.” Ally: “What the fuck! Avicia has the equivalent of a Ford Pickup truck and this asshole has a Mercedes that he’s just crashing into everything!”

Avicia realizes that R’ango isn’t behind her and calls him and she fails any sort of logical thinking and believes he got caught in vines

The group decides to go into Avicia’s ship and go get R’ango, but Avicia is immediately pissed when she sees that R’ango hotboxed his car

R’ango gets out, smoke leaving the car, and on the phone with her is asking for help

She uses the grappling hook of her ship to grab him and reel him in

Avicia is so pissed that she dings her ship a little making their way back to the thorn bush and they decide to grappling hook the bush to see if Virgilio is underneath it

They pull up the bush and a bunch of vinegelas run out and there’s nothing underneath - it was just their home

Avicia now has this bush stuck to her grappling hook and she tries to shake it off, almost causing R’ango to puke but he doesn’t

They land where the bush was, with the bush underneath the ship, causing it to land at an angle, and they have Sandy sniff out the premises again

She turns to look across the canyon and barks again so the group is trying to decide whether to go across the canyon or down

Dal: “I think we should climb down.” Issac: “I don’t know if that’s a good idea-” Avicia: *already climbing down and fails her roll but catches herself on the clfff* “HELP HELP HELP”

Issac immediately runs and grabs her but fails to pull her up and Dal grabs onto Issac and helps pull both of them up back onto the cliff

Realizing that this was a bad move, they decide to take the ship across the canyon

Avicia drove a little too close to the mushrooms and got the thorn bush stuck on a mushroom

Avicia: “.... Okay so revving the engine doesn’t get us anywhere.” *takes out sword* “Someone cut the thorn bush off so we’re free.” Michael: “Ummm... shouldn’t you just back up? If you got stuck going forward just then just back up and unhinge yourself...” Ally: “.............Right. Right. That’s a good plan.”

They unhinge Avicia’s ship and make their way across the canyon and land safely on the other side

Avicia decides to start spending her time sawing at the bush to free her ship. The boys decide to walk towards a watering hole that Dal spotted

When they get to the watering hole, they see that some streams are convening into the watering hole and that the beach is made of shells and stones and gems

Issac is immediately enamored and runs towards it. R’ango is so high he just is along for the ride. Dal keeps going out of curiosity

When they all enter the beach water sprouts from the streams and forms a wall around the area, blocking them from Avicia

And that’s where we ended because it was past midnight and we were TIRED. Tune in for session 2, hopefully sometime soon!

[libralita]

Title: The Diviners

Author: Libba Bray

Summary:

Do you believe there are ghosts and demons and Diviners among us?

Evie O'Neill has been exiled from her boring old hometown and shipped off to the bustling streets of New York City--and she is pos-i-tute-ly ecstatic. It's 1926, and New York is filled with speakeasies, Ziegfeld girls, and rakish pickpockets. The only catch is that she has to live with her uncle Will and his unhealthy obsession with the occult.

Evie worries he'll discover her darkest secret: a supernatural power that has only brought her trouble so far. But when the police find a murdered girl branded with a cryptic symbol and Will is called to the scene, Evie realizes her gift could help catch a serial killer.

As Evie jumps headlong into a dance with a murderer, other stories unfurl in the city that never sleeps. And unknown to all, something dark and evil has awakened....

Rating: ★★★★★

Review:

This was a really enjoyable book. It was so post-twilight/early twenty-tens so it was a real nostalgia trip. Speaking of blasts from the pasts, the 1920s setting really felt alive. I could tell that Bray put a lot of effort into creating a realistic setting. Silly things like the slang that always made me laugh. To some really heavy shit.

I’ve seen some reviews saying that they didn’t like the main character Evie and personally I thought she was a pretty decent Main Character. She did some stupid thing but honestly I’ve seen much worse.

The one problem I did have for this book is how convenient everything is. Like everyone that Evie meets just happens to be a Diviner or has something to do with it. Or has something to do with the murder case. Like at points I just wanted Small World to start playing.

Apparently this book is spooky!

“[But] she’s heard he has a habit of inviting girls into his rumble seat for a petting party.”—Page 3

What an interesting sentence.

“Finally, there is movement on the board. ‘I…will…teach…you…fear,’ the hostess reads aloud.”—Page 4

Oh, really?

“Harold Brodie is a louse and a lothario who cheats at cards and has a different girl in his rumble seat every week. That coupe of his is a pos-i-tute-ly a petting palace. And he’s a terrible kisser to boot.”—Page 12

This old-timey speak is just the best.

“[A] distant shore upon which I hope to land.”—Page 13

1920’s sex talk is hilarious.

“Sister Benito Mussolini Facisti?”—Page 33

Okay, I Googled it and apparently 20 dollars is $269.76 in today’s money. So Evie basically just flashed 250 bucks. No wonder Sam stole it. Also $10 is about $134.88.

Jericho is cute. I also love that name.

So, Evie’s not going to tell her Uncle Will that she’s probably a Diviner.

All spoopy books must have creepy old ladies.

Poor Ruta.

“Isaiah sat very still, staring into the dark. ‘I am the dragon. The beast of old,’ he said.”—Page 82

Oh shit!

They’re putting $40 bucks on her doing her hair? Damn…

The cat’s particulars…interesting.

So, is everyone a Diviner?

“Darling girl, I’d be your fool, if I could only pass this stool, oh the curse of CON-STI-PAAA-TION!”—Page 145

This book is weird.

You can tell that this is a post-twilight/Shadowhunters era book because every male character clearly wants bone the female protagonist.

“In the museum’s musty lavatory, Sam washed his hands and left the tap running. Whistling, he sat on the cracked title floor and watched the shadow of Evie’s feet under the slit of the door as she paced. She’d get bored eventually. He opened Jericho’s wallet, which he had lifted while the blond giant was occupied in the stacks.”—Page 149

Such a dick.

“Soloman’s Comet. An event of heavenly significance.”—Page 154

I’m sure this has nothing to do with anything.

“She is the elephant’s eyebrows,”—Page 155

My god, sometimes I can’t take this book seriously.

A golden alter? Sacrifices to spirits? This show is a bit on the nose.

“The duck’s quake”, this is so weird.

“Isaiah stared straight ahead. ‘Anoint thy flesh and prepare ye the walls of your houses. The Lord will brook no weakness in his chosen.’ ‘Ice Man?’ ‘And the sixth offering shall be an offering of obedience.’”—Page 165

You are one creepy kid.

“Diviners.”—Page 166

Can’t be good.

So has Naughty John corrupted Isaiah?

“I once helped bring charges against the Grand Dragon of the Klan out there. I’m known to them.”—Page 181

Wait, Naughty John has referred to himself as the dragon. So is this like some evil Klanman spirit?

“Jericho cleared his throat. ‘Would you like to take first shift, or shall I?’ he asked, as if at any moment they’d be flooded with visitors. ‘Where’s Sam?’ Evie asked. ‘He went to call a friend about a motorcar.’ ‘I’ll bet he did,’ Evie scoffed. ‘I could take first shift, if you like,’ Jericho offered. ‘No, I will,’”—Page 183

Man, Jericho is crushing on Evie hard.

So Liberty’s brother built a mansion and it turns out to be Evie’s uncle’s museum. SMALL WORLD!

“‘What was started long ago will now be finished when the fire burns in the sky,’ he said. Repent, for the Beast is come.’”—Page 203

Weird.

“The Sacrifice of the Faithful. The Tribute of the ten Servants of the Master. The Pale Horseman Riding Death Before the Stars. The Death of the Virgin. The Harlot Adorned and Cast upon the Sea. The Sacrifice of the Idle Son. The Turning Out of the Deceitful Brethren from the Temple of Solomon. The Veneration of the Angelic Herald. The Destruction of the Golden Idol.  The Lamentation of the Widow. The Marriage of the Beast and the Woman Clothed in the Sun.”—Pages 211-212

These are all the things to come signaling the end is neigh. If I had to guess, the last one is going to be Evie.

“‘You said that the Brethren is a vanished cult. What happened to them?’ ‘The entire sect burned to death in 1848.’”—Page 213

The first thing to happen was “The Sacrifice of the Faithful.”

Oh, well how convenient that the page we need is missing.

“Please, can you help? They took my sister from the factory.”—Page 223

Next victim?

“[Why] start with the fifth offering? It doesn’t make sense.”—Page 227

They happened hundreds of years ago. The offering, dammit. Please don’t take the entire book to figure this out.

“He thought about going to the Hotsy Totsy or the Tomb of the Fallen Angels”—Page 236

There’s your tomb.

“It’s very nice of your uncle to take you girls to a poetry reading. It’s important to tend to your education rather than fritter away time in bourgeois, immoral pastimes such as dancing in nightclubs.”—Page 249

I think poetry readings are pretty bourgeois.

“One of his bullets passed through the book of poetry in Memphis’s hand. Memphis stuck his finger through the hole. ‘That was a library book,’ he said, gasping.”—Page 268

Me.

“His words were a choke whisper: ‘Oh, my son, my son. What have you done?’”—Page 275

Chills.

Oh, I’m sure that Evie will be sent back to Ohio. I guess it’ll be Mabel’s story.

“Evie sat forward, hopeful. ‘It was just like sitting at the picture show, but a picture show where the projector light isn’t terribly strong. It was only a moment. I could see Mother sitting at her dressing table, and I could feel what she had been feeling when she’d worn the brooch.’ ‘What was that?’ Evie looked him in the eyes. ‘She wished I’d been the one to die instead of James.’”—Page 294

Oh shit.

“Are there others like me?”—Page 295

Everyone is this damn book.

Looks like Gabe is the Angelic Herald.

So there’s some agency that’s collecting Diviners. Of course, there always is.

“Theta let out the breath she’d been holding.”—Page 323

This is an early 2010s book!

I’m suddenly very grateful for Google. All hail our evil overlord.

Memphis, don’t you fucking leave! Ugh…

Poor Jericho has a giant crush on Evie and he’s just completely ignored by her.

“Jericho came to sit beside her. ‘Murnau’s Faust is playing at the Palace.’ ‘Swell,’ Evie said, still turning things over in her mind. ‘I was just wondering if you might—’ there was a knock at the door. ‘I’ll go,’ Evie said, sighing. ‘Probably another reporter.’ ‘Wanted to go with me,’ Jericho finished as he watched Evie walk away.”—Page 361

Poor Jericho…

“‘This is happening pretty fast, isn’t it?’ Memphis said. He could not remember a time when he didn’t know Theta, a time when she didn’t occupy his thoughts and dreams.”—Page 370

Uh, guys, you’ve seen each other like 3 times.

“Come, come play with us….”—Page 372

That’s some Shining shit.

And Gabe is dead.

And Mabel and Evie are friends again.

“I believe this may be the lair of the Pentacle Killer.”—Page 380

Which is why we’re going in it.

“Theta was right to nickname you Evil. I believe you need the services of Sigmund Freud. He’s the only person who could possibly understand the workings of your very healthy mind.”—Page 380

Something about penises?

“But Evie’s attention was drawn to a door slowly creaking open at the far end of the corridor behind her.”—Page 385

Nopenopenopenopenopenope! N-O-P-E NOPE! DO NOT GO IN THAT ROOM EVIE.

This diary is super interesting. I wonder if Hobbes was always supernatural.

I wonder if we’ll see Ida Knowles’s spirit.

Gabe’s death is really sad.

“Memphis turned to her, his face gone hard. ‘I want to help you find Gabe’s killer.’”—Page 399

Yay, they’re working together! Will Fitzgerald’s School for Gifted Youngsters is being realized!

How can Will keep her safe?

“Evie thought of the small patch of cloth stuck on the laundry chute. It was so small—too small to be of note. Wasn’t it?”—Page 410

UGHHH!

Theta is getting an abortion. Well, that just got heavy.

“‘Talking to Gabriel.’ Isaiah’s teeth chattered. His eyes had the fixed, unseeing quality of a trance. ‘Memphis, brother,’ Isaiah whispered. ‘The storm is coming…the storm is coming…’”—Page 429

The everstorm? No but oh shit, I’m really concerned about Isaiah.

Did Theta or did Hobbes take the skin? Also is it that annoying girl?

Oh shit, Mary White is alive!

“‘You want to know about my John,’ she said in a voice weak with labored breathing.”—Page 441

And I wish she wasn’t.

Grave robbing time!

“I see you,”—Page 454

NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE

HE’S IN THE MUSEUM FUCK!!

…sweet pickles…?

They’re looking for Diviners. “Fitter Families For Future Firesides”.

“Making America strong through the science of eugenics.”—Page 469

Oh fuck. Wait, they were totally looking for Diviners. So do people who believed in eugenics are also in on this? I guess that makes sense since the Klan also has something to do with the Beast.

That pendant is going to be gone.

Oh, Mary is going to be the next victim, good luck.

Jericho is a cyborg!

Sometimes this story just gets really freaking dark.

Hobbes left Ruta’s shoe buckle in the museum. Dammit!

“No. We stay together.”—Page 525

Jericho Jones wins the prize for being the most intelligent YA character ever.

“‘I’ll hate you forever,’ she whispered, losing the battle against the tears. ‘I know,’ Will said softly.”—Page 553

Ow, that hit me hard.

I…don’t know if showing your supernatural abilities to reports is wisest idea.

I’ve never trusted Blind Bill….

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THAT CAT???

Here’s hoping my ship keeps sailing.

[harpers-mirror]

Merry Wolfmas, Days 2 & 3!

So the spirit of the season rather took over my weekend, between driving south to deck the halls with my parents, a large amount of baking, and a party yesterday afternoon/evening, leaving me no time to get shit written. As such, I’m doing a slightly longer piece than planned (these were supposed to be short things, damn it!) that will be posted in several parts to cover the missed days and today.

Here’s part one of another brand-new adventure in the Blow Us All Away AU, this time from the POV of Minkowski’s eldest daughter Margot, and set further along in the timeline than @wendy-comet and I had ever ventured.

title:  and did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts, pt. 1

rating: PG for swearing

summary: The ghosts of the past refuse to stay buried forever. Especially when you go around digging them up. After an overheard conversation piques her curiosity, Margot Minkowski-Koudelka embarks on a search to learn the truth about her family’s past.

 Story under the jump.

Dropping my backpack on the bench by the back door, I kicked off my shoes and hung up my coat. Choir practice had been canceled and so I was home way earlier than normal after school. A whole extra hour and a half of glorious free time!

I snagged an apple on my way through the kitchen as I headed farther into the house to announce my arrival home.

“So what does this mean? For us, that is?”

The sound of hushed voices from Dad’s office slowed my steps and I hovered quietly outside the door. I don’t make a habit of eavesdropping on the adults in my house, but this sounded both important and potentially interesting.

So I didn’t have entirely pure motives. Sue me.

“I don’t know, Nik,” responded my mom. She sounded tired. “I really don’t. We never figured Goddard would agree to release the records, so I never really thought too much about this particular circumstance.”

“God,” Uncle Doug chimed in. “There was a time when I’d have thrown a parade at this kind of news. All that shit coming to light? The bastards at the top having to answer for the shit they did to us? But now...” He paused.

Whoa. Normally Mom would have yelled at Uncle Doug for swearing that much - although, now that I thought about it, she probably didn’t do that when my siblings and I weren’t around. That said, what on earth was going on here? This sounded super-serious and very dramatic.

“Now you’d give anything just to make it go away, rather than coming back to haunt your every waking step?” finished Mom.

“Exactly, boss.” Uncle Doug made a muffled sort of sighing noise. “I never wanted the kids to know about this. About... y’know. All of it.”

Um, okay. What exactly were they talking about? ‘Haunt their every step?’ What information? Jesus, had they all killed someone or been in a cult? This was way too Desperate Housewives to be everyday life.

Creeping backwards down the hall, I slipped back into the kitchen and opened the back door, before shutting it loudly. Picking up my bag and dropping it with an audible thump, I pretended I’d just gotten home.

“Mom? Dad?” I called. Did my voice sound as tremulous to them as it did to me? I hoped not.

Mom came hurrying down the hall towards me. She looked awful - her face was unhealthily pale and she looked shaky.

“Honey, you’re home early! Is everything okay?” Her voice sounded as forced-calm as my own. I played dumb.

“Everything’s fine, Mom. Mr. Eberhart was out sick today and I guess they didn’t want to make the sub stay after and deal with us any longer. Practice was cancelled. We have a makeup session next Thursday, so we don’t lose out on rehearsal time before the Christmas concert.”

Mom looked visibly relieved and I pretended not to notice. “Okay,” she sighed. “That’s fine, sweetie. Do me a favor and remind me later so I can update the calendar?”

“Yeah!” piped up Uncle Doug, joining us in the hall “Wouldn’t want you off at practice thinking we know what’s going on, and have us sitting around here not knowing where you are and worrying you’ve been kidnapped by shadowy government agents!”

Mom shot him a look that could have melted the Arctic Circle and he visibly wilted. I saw him mouth the word “sorry” to her and she sighed again.

“Anyway,” I said, wondering if all the adults in my house had been replaced by alien doppelgangers with only the barest idea of how to act like normal people, “if you need me, I’ll be upstairs. Might as well get started on some of the stuff I have due right before break since I’ve got some extra time.”

Uncle Doug chuckled. “She really is your kid, Minkowski,” I heard him say as I headed up the stairs. If she answered him back, I did hear it.

In my room, I leaned against the closed door for a moment, eyes shut, processing everything I’d heard. I didn’t know how much I’d missed, and they hadn’t exactly been speaking in super elaborate detail or anything, but my memory was usually pretty decent. I thought I had retained most of it.

I pushed off from the door and grabbed a notebook from my nightstand. Uncapping the pen that had been stuck in the spiral, I started to scribble down as much as I could remember.

Everything I Overheard Just Now:

Someone called Goddard. Goddard Futuristics? (Didn’t they go out of business?) Or the spaceport in Florida? Or something else, maybe a person?

“Release the records,” implication of great secrecy and great harm from the release of them, to both Goddard and my family.

Uncle Doug: “Stuff that was done to us.”

Implication that this stuff has been hidden for a long time.

Okay, great. ‘Clear as mud,’ as my grandmother would say. Well, when in doubt, make more lists.

Questions I Now Have & Maybe Some Answers:

What happened?

Wow, this is vague and not very helpful.

When did it happen? Sounded like a long time ago, probably before I was born.

If it involves all of them... let’s see. Mom & Dad got married in 2009. Mom met Uncle Doug sometime after that, but before I was adopted in 2018. 9 year window, assuming it didn’t happen before or since then.

Who did it happen to? Uncle Doug said stuff was done to “us” - him and mom? Or dad too?

Mom and Uncle Doug met at work, when they were in the military. Connection? I don’t know what they did in the military, just that it was “top secret” and Uncle Doug has joked before about Mom saving his life a bunch of times.

Guessing just Mom and Uncle Doug, because Dad really wasn’t talking much during that conversation.

Why didn’t they want us to know?

Are there actually shadowy government agents involved? Or was that just Uncle Doug being weird? Can’t be sure.

He might be a source of information if I decide to ask - he’s a terrible liar!

I sat back in my chair and sighed. I basically knew nothing except that the grown-ups in my house were hiding something from me. Something about the past, something they didn’t ever want me or my siblings to know, about the military or the government or something else complicated and dark and that scared them.

That last thought made me shiver. Mom was the bravest person I knew. Uncle Doug was always happy. And Dad was like, the chillest person in existence. And all of them were regular boring middle-aged people! Uncle Doug got excited about toys in cereal boxes, and Mom’s idea of a big night out was, like, bowling. Dad traveled a lot for the paper, which was neat, but he was also a huge nerd who liked to bring back bits of obscure trivia from the places he visited.

None of them seemed the kind of people to get sucked into the plots of vague-yet-menacing government agencies. Heck, Uncle Doug couldn’t keep a secret if his life depended on it, and Mom was way too straight-and-narrow to be involved in anything untoward.

This was getting me nowhere. Opening my laptop, I asked Google what it could tell me about “Goddard.” Might as well start small, with the one concrete, searchable thing I had.

Pages of results scrolled by. AI research, old space shuttle launches and newer probes. Social media results for a handful of people with the same name. A family genealogy page.

And then, a result that I almost scrolled past in my skimming. It was a post on a conspiracy theories forum. Clicking through, I found a site that didn’t look as though it had been updated since the early days of the internet.

“GODDARD FUTURISTICS TO RELEASE LONG-SEALED HEPHAESTUS, HERMES RECORDS” said the post’s headline. The body of the post went on for paragraphs but I lingered over that title for a moment.

I knew the names Hephaestus and Hermes from school, from the unit we’d done in English class two years ago on the myths of the ancient Greeks and Romans. Hephaestus, the smith-god, and Hermes, the winged messenger. What they or their stories had to do with my parents, I didn’t have a clue. But the reference to records being released... that matched with what I’d overheard.

Settling myself more comfortably in my desk chair, I started scrolling through the text of the post.

To be continued...

[cksmart-world]

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

by Christopher Smart

April 23, 2019

HOW TO SELL A MASSACRE

& A CURE FOR THE MUELLER HANGOVER

Hey gun lovers, it's the 20th anniversary of the Columbine massacre and the U.S. has done practically nothing to strengthen gun laws. God bless the 2nd Amendment. The mass murders continue here but not in Australia, where semiautomatic weapons were banned in 1996 after a shooting at Port Arthur left 35 dead. There haven't been any mass murders there since. Clearly the Aussies have given up their freedom. The news agency Al Jazeera infiltrated the National Rifle Association recently to see how the gun-rights lobby keeps similar laws from being passed in the U.S. Here's the NRA playbook after mass shootings: First, say nothing. Next, smear gun-control groups with statements such as: “How dare you stand on the graves of those children to put forward your political agenda.” Then get reporters to cover tragic stories where victims could have been saved if they had a gun. Ghost-write op-ed columns for pro gun-rights political and law enforcement officials. Talk up gang violence. Produce videos for social media that show how to protect yourself against rapists and robbers. Sweet. All week long, we've listened to Columbine survivors who explain their lives are still messed up from the trauma. Well, the NRA has a message for them: Get a gun. Be happy. Be a real American.

New Savior Gets Redemption

Easter is all about redemption. We don't think about it all that much here in Zion because in Mormon-dominated Utah, Easter is an afterthought, mostly reserved for bunnies and eggs. How Easter came to be symbolized by bunnies and eggs, we aren't sure. It's kinda like Santa representing the Virgin Birth. (What's in you're stocking?) But anyway, folks formerly called Mormons have always been focused more on Joseph Smith and Brigham Young than on Jesus of Nazareth. But now we have a new savior: Tiger Woods. It's true, just take a look at the front page blow-out in Sunday's LDS Church-owned Deseret News: “The Joys of Redemption & Forgiveness” reads the giant headline over the billionaire golfer after his win at the Master's Tournament. A double truck inside (that's a full two-page spread for you virgins) is dedicated to the Second Coming of Tiger Woods. “Hope Is Real” reads the subhead. And when you think about it, Tiger and Jesus do have a lot in common: designer clothing, a personal logo, a giant yacht, an airplane and a bunch of girlfriends. And they both preach love and forgiveness. In the name of Tiger Woods, amen.

The Mueller Hangover

If your feeling like a sophomore who drank way too much cherry vodka last night and are wondering what the hell happened, you're not alone. Yep, you've got the Mueller hangover. The Republicans say the special counsel's report is total vindication. The Democrats say it's a complete indictment. It's such a shit show that Wilson and the band are loading up the van for Acapulco. But the staff here at Smart Bomb has a remedy, of sorts. And like the “hair of the dog,” it could give you a little relief. Here goes: The Russians hacked Hillary Clinton and the DNC. They gave the info to Wikileaks, which coordinated with the Trump campaign for a dump just before the election. Voila, no crime because Trump's minions didn't do the hacking. See how easy that was. Yes, Don Jr. tried to collude with the Russians but was too dumb to pull it off. And yes, there were numerous other attempts by Trumpettes to coordinate with Russians but they were too incompetent to make it happen — no foul, no crime. As for obstruction of justice: Yes, Trump fired Comey. And yes he wanted Don McGahn to fire Mueller and then ordered him to lie about it. And yes, Trump lied and misled investigators. But unlike Bill Clinton, it wasn't under oath. And besides, you can't indict a sitting president — no frog-walk, no orange jumpsuit. So pour the vodka into the juice and take a big, long drink. Feel better?

What You Missed

All the Trump news is making the country nuts, or, according to Michelle Obama, feel like we just spent a weekend with our divorced father. You're right, Wilson, it seems more like spending time with your alcoholic, abusive step-dad. Anyway, there is other important news out there that shouldn't be passed up without note. The staff here at Smart Bomb has assembled some headlines (we are not making this up) you may have missed: Baby Diapers Are Hiding Some Filthy Secrets; Watergate co-conspirator James McCord died two years ago; Anti-Vax Movement Is Now Infecting the Pet World; Seagrams Heiress Pleads Guilty in Sex-Cult Case; Does A Year In Space Make You Older Or Younger?; Great-grandmother Fends Off 300-pound Burglar In Boxer Shorts With A Baseball Bat; Opra Reveals What She'd do if Gayle King Slept With Stedman Graham; 'Selfie' Deaths: Don't Blame The Victim; Mom Jeans Made Women Love Denim Again; How Porn Stars Balance Sex Work With Parenting. And finally, in honor of Holy Week, this headline: The Disciples Argument For Why Jesus Wasn't A Zombie. There now, you're much more informed.

Post Script — One pundit recently said: “Mueller made one mistake, he trusted Bill Bar.” Immediately, it reminded the staff here at Smart Bomb of Animal House, when Otter said to Flounder: “You fucked up, you trusted us.” We're not sure how Sarah Huckabee Sanders fits into the National Lampoon's classic '70s movie, but her admission to the special counsel that she lied to reporters and the American public about FBI agents and employees hating Jim Comey is akin to stuff you might have heard at a drunken toga party. And when you think about it, the current White House is a lot like Animal House, but although Trump's minions are screw-ups, they just aren't that lovable. We'd never invite them to a toga party.

That's it for another week here at Smart Bomb, where the staff continues to work on cures for the Mueller hangover. It's dangerous work, but someone has to do it. Our research has led us to believe it's best to avoid drinks like the White Russian and the Moscow Mule. The staff is leaning toward Man of War, but Wilson and the band are partial to a concoction called Between the Sheets. Don't ask. All right Wilson, get us out of here with a little something for our national hangover:

I called the doctor, I woke him up / I said doctor, is there nothing I can take / I said doctor, to relieve this bellyache / He said, put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up / You put the lime in the coconut and drink them both together / Put the lime in the coconut and you feel better / Put the lime in the coconut and call me in the morning...