#got “in bed” around 9:30 and picked it up to play- it was 1 something in the morning before i stopped | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jakeyt · 11 months ago

Text

Covet: Chapter 9 (Part 1 of 2)

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x f!Reader

Covet Summary:

Life was good. No, life was great.

Was.

Until.

Jake Kiszka crashed into the picture.

You welcomed him into your life—your home.

Yes, he was your best friend’s twin. But, he was also the one who would end up disrupting your whole world with his attitude, his troubles, and the annoyingly natural way he lured you in.

Jake Kiszka came with so much you really didn’t want.

At least that’s what you tried to convince yourself.

Warnings: MINORS DNI (18+); angst; jealousy; negative self-talk; talks of miscarriage and hysterical pregnancy; allusions to childhood abuse; talks of pregnancy; extreme feelings of stress and anxiety; feelings of sadness; abandonment issues; therapy; talks of grieving a baby; pregnancy hormones (just the beginning lol); reader checking Jake out and being sad while she does it (lmao) (as usual, PLEASE lmk if i missed anything that is triggering to you!)

Chapter Word Count: 22.1k+

a/n: sorry it took a month, besties... hopefully this angsty fucking chapter makes up for it lmao <3

and don't worry, i won't be gone long ;)

Please enjoy the playlist as you read 🖤

-🌼🌼🌼-

“The covetous person is full of fear; and he or she will who lives in fear will ever be a slave.”

-Horace

-🌼🌼🌼-

October 30, 2022

Birds were chirping. The melodies of an acoustic guitar playing lullabies made your heart warm in your chest. A baby’s cries were being mellowed by the sound of the guitar. A smile, reaching the baby’s face that matched the one on the man playing the strings.

But you couldn’t look at him. Only the bundle of pure, unadulterated, untouched love in your arms; her eyes, looking the same as his, caught yours, the color of caramel coffee. . . twinkling just like his. . .

All pink and white and golden rays of sunshine.

Then, it was gone.

No. Not again.

There was no more peace. No more lullabies. No more love from parent to child. . .

All dark and dirty and ear-piercing screams.

A sister, trying to cover your eyes from what was happening, just inches in front of you.

Then there were hands. Hands gripping at your arms, the sister screeching, yelling and clawing for you as she got ripped away. As you got picked up so harshly your head hit something hard, making you dizzy. . .

When you closed your eyes from the dizziness, you opened them afterwards to see that your sister was back. But she was older this time.

Elsie. She was stunningly beautiful, as you knew she would grow up to be. Put together in an outfit that resembled that of Rachel Green. Her hair, flowing in strawberry blonde, soft waves around her delicate features and her blue eyes were wide open and wondering. Searching your eyes for something hidden in them. . .

What was she wanting? You couldn’t tell . . . Just as you were about to speak to ask her, she was in front of you, nudging you, not nearly as abrasively as the hands from before.

You studied her quizzically – why was she–?

“Wake up!”

And the next time you blinked, your eyes were opened wide.

To reality. To Elsie, shaking your arm in the present. You were an adult, she was an adult. Things were okay.

Life was safe again.

Shit. I’m so tired of that fucking dream, you thought angrily, sitting up and letting the covers fall away from your sweaty, tensed body.

Blinking furiously, you let yourself cling to the softness— the safety of your bed. The bed hugged you, cocooned you in the fluffy down comforter. You were in your clean, quiet apartment. . . the rays peeking through your bedroom windows the same as they’d been at the beginning of your dream.

“Sis,” Elsie said your name, out of all of her patience. “Come the fuck on. I’m hungry and I need coffee so bad. You know me. You know I’m about to lose all ability in my limbs if I don’t have caffeine stat–I need it. To survive,” she clutched her chest dramatically. “Please. Get your lazy ass up.”

You rolled your eyes with a giant huff, throwing your covers off of you to try and hit her with them. When you heard her gasp and slap at the covers, you figured you succeeded.

“Y/n!” She said, backing up from the bed. When you saw her next, her hair was sticking up on all sides from static. Success. But she was laughing, finding it funny nonetheless. “You’re such a bitch.”

“Takes one to know one,” you said, sitting up to stretch a little. You had to fight the urge to put a hand to your tummy. Not in front of Elsie. “Now leave, I have to change.”

“I’ve seen you naked a million times before,” she argued. “Nothing I haven’t seen already.”

There sure as hell is something you haven’t seen on me already. . . Albeit a little small, but rounder nonetheless.

“Well I don’t want you to look at my naked body this morning, so get the fuck out.”

You were getting irritated. Just wanted to change in peace. Wanted to hold your belly to start the day. It was routine at this point.

She growled, opening your door. “You have five minutes, or I’m leaving your ass.”

-🌼🌼🌼-

As you pulled up to Waffle House, scream-singing Ariana Grande lyrics with Elsie at the top of your lungs, you were sincerely hoping that your stomach wouldn’t roll at the smell of the greasy breakfast food.

The nostalgia of the morning was something you wanted to wrap up tight and not let flutter away in the crisp and cool October breeze.

Please, sweet baby, you pleaded. Love Waffle House with me. Don’t make me give this up.

You wanted this with Els. This particular establishment had been cathartic to you and your sister for several years. Talks that far surpassed therapy sessions occurred here, in the back booth, almost completely surrounded by windows. . . The thought of sitting in that back booth was enough to make you cry right on the spot.

And the All Star Special sounded so fucking delicious. Good sign that it at least still sounded good, right?

You just wanted scrambled eggs, ham, hash browns with ketchup, and a gigantic waffle with the restaurant name pressed in the middle. It was all you wanted at that moment. Truly. Nothing more, nothing less. . . Your mouth was watering.

Cheesy and strange as it was, you were quite literally crossing your fingers that the food wouldn’t make you projectile vomit as Elsie opened the door for you two.

Please don’t make me sick, please don’t make me sick. . .

To your extreme relief, your tummy didn’t knot and squeeze. No bile came to the base of your throat. . . In fact, the vanilla waffle mixture, the sizzling, salty smell of the bacon and ham. . . it was better than before. Your heightened senses welcomed the scrumptious, sentimental scents that came with the establishment.

And the back booth was open!

Tears literally pricked your eyes at the sight. And you must’ve sniffled because Elsie spun around, where you waited to be seated, and checked on you with worried eyes.

“You okay?” She pondered, her tone light with a joke, but eyes still serious.

Not able to fully collect yourself thanks to the fantastic hormonal effects of your pregnancy, you felt a tear hit your cheek when you sniffled once more.

“Yeah,” goddamn, even your voice sounded fucking wet with emotion. “Just happy to be here with you.”

Tell her, y/n. Let her help you. . .Tell her.

Fuck that came out of nowhere.

The soft, reassuring voice being the one to guide you would take a lot of getting used to if it was going to continue as the one to help you, rather than the harsh, critical one that’d taunted you since you were a child.

Honestly, when the calm voice came to you, your mind settled in the waves of reassurance. This was the voice you longed to hear anytime the dark one wanted to boss you around. . .wanted to push you down when you were up.

It always spoke soft truths to you. This voice didn’t make you feel like utter shit; this was the one that sounded more like Elsie than you’d like to admit.

As you started walking to your beloved booth, you were trying to find a solid reason to not tell Elsie right now. . . You had to tell someone. Right? And it was killing you to be around her and keep her in the dark. She was safe. And, at that moment, the only person you really wanted to tell was your big sister. No matter how bossy she may get, it was worth it to have her know. She was your one and only safety net for years for good reason.

And she was going to be leaving again tonight until Thanksgiving. There was no way you could wait to tell her until then.

She’d also never forgive you if you kept it from her for too long. You couldn’t blame her. If roles were reversed, you’d kill her if she waited to tell you until she had a noticeably round belly. . .

You sat down at your booth. You, at the seat with your back to the big windows, her smile wide as she made small talk with the worn-out waitress. Elsie’s smile, though, was big enough it brought a smile to the tired woman’s face. Elsie got along with everybody, and the waitress was no different.

God, she was sunshine for you.

As the woman placed your menus down in front of you two, you immediately flipped it to the side with the All Star Special. You watched her kind face, aged from years of hard work, and found comfort in the thickness of her voice from even more years of smoke, as she asked for your drink orders.

Elsie ordered her blessed coffee and you sat there, contemplating. . . stuck. Normally, you’d order a Mr. Pibb. . .but was that healthy for the baby?

Your sister stared at you, her brows wrinkled as she gave you a questioning smile.

“Just get her a Mr. Pi–,” Elsie started.

“I’ll take an orange juice,” you finished.

The sweet waitress left to get your orders ready, and when you looked up from your menu to Elsie’s face again, she was looking at you like you’d grown three heads.

“Orange juice?!” She asked, as if you’d just insulted her on a great scale. “Who are you and what have you done with my sister?”

You felt nervous under her stare and questions. You were going to tell her anyway. . . why were you feeling your skin prick with nerves?

“Just felt like getting an orange juice. . .,” you said, shrugging your shoulders to play it off. “No biggie.”

“I cannot remember one time we’ve come here– in the years we’ve come here– where you’ve gotten anything besides a Mr. Pibb.” She leaned across the table to put the back of her hand to your forehead. She then jokingly asked, “Are you well?”

You watched her laugh at her own joke, her eyes, smiling. The same ones you’d looked into when, for years, you’d told her your deepest secrets. . . A couple of things came to your mind. When you lost your virginity and felt like shit about it (for God knows what reason); she’d raised your spirits by telling you she’d felt the same at first, but it got better with time. Then there’d been when you’d smoked weed for the first time and you felt so horribly about it (again, why?); she told you it was not a bad thing to do and that you deserved to feel so free as the drug would make you feel.

Very rarely had she been extremely judgemental.

Right now, she was giving you yet another look of concern, though. . .So, you decided. It was time. Now or never.

“Sis, what’s–?”

“I’m pregnant.”

There it was. First time you’d said it out loud. Damn. In that moment, it felt even more real to you, too.

You were with child. There was a baby in you. There was life growing inside of your uterus.

Then the opposite train of thought rushed through you. . .were you pregnant? Was the baby still in there? You hadn’t really had time to obsessive-compulsively research any of that yet. Could your tummy still grow if you had a miscarriage? Was that possible? Was there a baby inside of you?

You had to shake your head from your sudden wave of unwelcome, anxious thoughts. There was no reason to believe you’d lost the baby. . . right? Surely. . . You wouldn’t let your anxiety get the best of you. Blinking a few times, you chanced a look at your sister again.

She gaped at you, staying that way until the waitress came back with your drinks, not saying a word. Didn’t even look away from you when the waitress spoke, asking for your orders. You had to tell the woman it would be a minute, while Elsie still zoned out on you.

Her eyes just bored into yours until you started feeling uncomfortable and irritable.

Talk, Elsie. Fuck.

You clasped your hands together under the table, over your tummy. . .had to do something with them. And after continuing to wait a couple more minutes, you decided if she wasn’t going to say anything, you would. “Can you say some–?”

“What the fuck?” She asked, voice much louder than it should be for a quiet Sunday morning at Waffle House.

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw the heads of patrons turn towards you. Inquiring eyes were not what you needed at the moment.

Your cheeks heated as you grit your teeth. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Elsie?” You fumed, automatically defensive for the life inside of you. “I had sex. I got pregnant. Simple as that.”

You’d never felt this sense of protection for anyone in your life. Not even your sister. No, at that moment, you were ready to go to bat for your baby against the woman who’d been your first line of defense your entire life.

Thankfully the next time she talked, she sounded more subdued and understanding.

“I– I didn’t mean for it to come off that way, babe,” she said, shaking her head, laying a hand against her forehead. Her eyes searched for yours to believe her. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t the right response.”

“It’s oka–.”

“This is a sensitive time for you–for any woman–my god,” she continued, not letting you make any excuse. “I was just in shock–still am, obviously–but I’m not upset,” she said, pausing. Then she narrowed her eyes, testing you. “How far along are you though?”

You giggled, remembering your earlier thoughts. The two of you were so alike. More like twins than anything, honestly. “I’m only like ten weeks, I think,” you smoothly said. “I found out two weeks ago, but I wasn’t sure if I was going to keep it or not, and I didn’t want to tell anyone until I decided. It was my decision and I didn’t want anything or anyone to sway me.”

“That is all valid and correct,” she agreed, nodding her head. Then, she continued asking questions as she poured too much half and half in her coffee. “How do you feel about it? Good? Bad? Sad? Happy? Overjoyed? Utterly depressed?”

Your eyes bugged, and you waved your hands at her once she was drinking from her mug, watching you and waiting for a response. “Damn, slow down,” you began, entwining your hands again, on top of the table this time. “First of all, per usual, I don’t always know how I’m feeling. . . But–it’s strange,” you started, squinting out the window just next to her. “It’s like, this time, instead of bouncing back and forth between sad and mad and confused. . .I’m more bouncing between a variety of happy emotions for this life,” you untangled your hands to once again place them on your tummy, below the table. “The confusion is still there, but for this baby. . .the emotions are mostly positive ones full of hope and love,” you looked back at her. “It’s weird.”

She was squinting at you, nodding her head as she took everything in.

Then the waitress was back, taking your orders. And just as soon, she was gone.

Elsie spoke before you could. “What changed?”

Snorting, you gave her a look. “Really, Els?”

Yet again, she narrowed her eyes, but this time it was out of annoyance. “You know what I mean.”

You did. She wanted to get to the heart of it. Not the situation. But what had changed inside of you to instigate your new, surprising view of things? You really weren’t sure . . . To be completely honest, this new feeling had just started yesterday. Less than 24 hours ago, you’d made the decision that would change your life forever.

But, you answered the best you could in spite of it all.

“I don’t know,” you glanced down at your hands, holding your sweater-clad tummy. You hadn’t had to delve into oversized sweaters the past couple of weeks. Not quite yet. Your tummy wasn’t that round. “I just kind of started thinking on behalf of this life I made, and not really myself. I put him, her–whatever the fuck it is– first and doing that just gave me this new outlook. Like I didn’t have all of the time in the world to criticize myself anymore. Because I have someone else to look out for. Someone special–someone whose life I have to be careful with– a life I hold in my hands.”

She giggled. “Literally,” she motioned in the direction of your hand placement. You joined in on her little moment of humor, enjoying the feeling of normalcy with her. She knew, and things were still the same as always. You didn’t feel any weirdness emanating off of her. This moment was easing you and brought you a sense of undefinable calm. Something you’d needed so badly. She kept on, having more to say. “I’m so fucking glad you’re starting to feel lighter,” she stated, reaching a hand out towards you, palm up on the table. “You’ve always carried so much on your shoulders. Always. And it has sucked to watch helplessly. You have hurt for too damn long and you deserve more than anyone to feel this new happiness.”

The tear that suddenly gathered at the corner of your eye and trickled down your cheek was unstoppable.

You moved a hand to place in hers and you squeezed each other. “Thanks Els,” you wetly responded. And nothing more– just needed her to know you were thankful.

After a minute of just communicating with your eyes, your food was being brought in small increments. Her biscuits and gravy were placed at the same time as your plate of eggs, hash browns, and ham.

“Your waffle will be out shortly, honey,” the waitress smokily said, tone sweet as could be. “You two enjoy.”

After you’d both responded with a nod and she was gone, there was no stopping you two from digging in.

After swallowing her first bite of food with a moan, she looked at you, still chewing your hash browns, which now tasted more like the sugary, tomatoey ketchup you’d smothered them with.

“God, I was starving,” she said, taking a little sip of her half and half with a dash of coffee. She squeaked a little as she set her coffee down, a smirk on her glossed lips. “Josh would not quit last night.”

You made a gagging motion at the implication, your brow furrowed with disgust at her words.

Then, you took your first sip of orange juice.

Goddamn.

Fuck! Ew. Baby does not like orange juice.

Coughing a little, your throat felt ready to reject the liquid right as it hit your uvula. Gross as it was, you put as much as you could back into the glass, not caring for Elsie’s reaction.

“That’s not nasty at all,” she sarcastically noted, still chewing her food.

You kept coughing into your hand, swallowing as much as you could, focusing on getting it down, not wanting to projectile vomit all over your breakfast.

I’ll show you nasty, Elsie. Don’t test me.

You rolled your eyes at her remark, finally getting the remains of the drink down. You held your napkin to your face, coughing a bit. “Says the woman who’s talking and chewing,” you said, your voice weak to avoid any bile rising in your throat and at the sour, putrid taste still sitting on your tongue. “And you’re one to talk–telling me way more than I need to know about Josh.”

She snickered. “I’ll tell you more. Just say the word.”

Laughing once outright, you rolled your eyes. “Yeah, that won’t ever be happening,” you tried taking a bite of hash browns to get the taste of orange juice off your tongue. But it only made it worse. Your throat was not ready to accept any more at the moment. Spitting the mushy remains in your napkin, folding it up so as not to offend other customers. Your throat was tight as you responded. “I need water.”

“Here we go, babydoll! Waffles just for you,” the waitress returned, placing the food right in front of you. The waffle did not look appetizing in the slightest. You didn’t bother looking up to say anything, instead squeezing your eyes shut and willing the nausea away. “You okay, sweetie? D’ya need anything?”

“Can we get a water and a Sprite?” Elsie intervened, calmly requesting. “And like, ASAP, if that’s doable. . .”

“Sure thing! Back in a flash!”

You kept your eyes closed, the twirling in your stomach not going away, but not intensifying either. You were scared to talk–afraid of what might come from your mouth if you did.

“Here,” the sweet, older lady’s voice rang through, as you heard the plastic cups hit the table. She was rushing, her voice moving fast. “Gotta go to another table, but wave me down if ya need me, sugar.”

“I think we’re good for now,” Elsie reassured. You could hear the smile in her tone. “Thank you so much.” A few seconds passed, then your sister was tapping your hand that was still laid on the table. “Sis, please take a drink from one of them.”

Keeping one hand pressed to your mouth, you tapped the wrapper off of the straw. You chose the carbonated Sprite, banking on the carbonation and natural aid of Sprite for a sensitive stomach.

As soon as the ice cold, fizzing drink hit your tongue, you felt relief. The feeling hadn’t gone away in your tummy, but you also didn’t feel like you were going to hurl at any moment anymore either. You took a few short, yet healthy, sips, eyes closing again to center yourself.

Your eyes trailed back to hers after you sat the cup down.

“You okay?” Elsie questioned, following you with her blue eyes, which swam with concern. You nodded, then she talked again. “Do you get sick a lot?”

Reaching for the water, you took one little drink of that, finally feeling able to talk. Your stomach was simmering slowly. You pushed the plates away, needing the food away from you for the time being.

“Not hungry?”

You shook your head, your brows furrowed. “Not now. Fuckin’ orange juice,” you flipped off the offensively orange drink. Elsie snorted at you, and you grinned at her. “And to answer you, yes. I puke all of the time. Thought it was stress at first. Just throwing up because of all of my stress.”

She rolled her eyes, pushing her own food away. “You’re an idiot.” You scoffed at that, offended. “I’m just saying. You’ve never been a puker. Fevers and shit, yes. But never thrown up a whole lot. And you’ve had some terrible fucking stress in your life. . . never vomiting from any of it; just to remind you.”

“I guess I just wanted to stay ignorant,” you admitted. “And I didn’t think it was possible at all that I was pregnant.”

She hummed in understanding, then she leveled you with a stare as she took a drink of her coffee.

“What now?” You groaned. “You fuckin’ weas–.”

“Does Jake know?”

Your stomach fell all the way to the bottom your feet. Fuck. What? How did she know?

Stupidly, you tried to reject it. Why would you try to hide it from her? You didn’t know. There was no point in trying to hide it.

“Why would he need to know? This doesn’t concern him. He’s not the fath—.”

She practically honked with a huge laugh, blossoming from the back of her throat. You blushed, sinking back into your seat. Why would you even try to play dumb? You knew better than to do that with her.

After wiping a little tear from below her eye, she sipped at her water. Sitting her glass down, she coughed a couple times and snorted with another giggle before continuing. “Please do not insult my intelligence like that.”

Weakly, you tried to defend yourself. “You believed me at the festival that we weren’t fucking anymore, so I just assumed–.”

“You think I believed that shit?!” She gawked at you– in disbelief that you’d thought that of her. “I just wasn’t going to push it out of you while you were so obviously in the depths of sorrow over that girl that was with him.”

Face flushing yet again, you chewed on the inside of your cheek. “‘Depths of sorrow’ is dramatic.” And true, you silently agreed with her. So incredibly, stupidly true.

“And you’re pregnant with Jake’s kid,” she pushed, wanting to hear you say it yourself.

You looked up at her through your lashes, not ready to say it out loud. But definitely needing to. . . and who better than your sister to say it out loud to for the very first time?

“Jake is the baby’s father, yes,” you said plainly, looking directly in her eyes as you said it. Then, immediately peering out the window, directly to your right. “Half him, half me,” you murmured, under your breath.

You pressed your shoulder, clad in your fluffy sweater, against the chilled glass. You still felt the coldness from the brisk autumn day through the thick windows. It calmed your heart which beat frantically against your breastbone. Talking out loud about Jake being the father of your child made reality slap you in the face. You were carrying Jake’s baby. Inside your womb was half of Jake and half of you. Together. Something you’d made. . . together.

The thought of a part of him just floating around in your uterus was honestly jarring. . . but not unwelcome. Not unwelcome at all. No, in fact because the baby was half of him, you’d decided you had to keep it. Jake was the reason that the baby was a necessity to this world. A piece of the first man you’d ever. . .

You shook your head amidst the raging thoughts, deciding to cut them off right. there. That was a path you did not want to venture down.

Dangerous territory.

Knowing the baby was his and that fact being was the sole reason you had to keep it. . .that was big enough for you to acknowledge. Huge, actually. . . You couldn’t believe you’d let yourself face that so surely and honestly. But. . . that was something you refused to tell your sister. That was one thing for you and only you to know. It felt too personal to share–belonged in your heart alone.

The mother and child you were observing just outside Waffle House were about to get you lost in thought again . . . You could spend hours appreciating a true, authentic love between a mother and her child. You’d never had it, and it was just so unique in and of itself. A relationship that held its own definition of love. A love so lovely, precious, safe. . . wholesome.

You were desperate to create that for a child. Something you hadn’t had the privilege of experiencing. And the baby in your womb deserved to feel it. . . But could you do it? Or were you too much like your mom?

Before you could fall down that depressing rabbit hole, you slowly swiveled your head back in the direction of your sister.

Then, without much contemplation, you unloaded. Told her everything. Informed her of the situation between you and Jake, how you started feeling iffy about all of it towards the end, and then how you’d decided to cut it off due to your desire to protect him. It rushed out of your mouth, with almost no thought and you honestly didn’t have time to consider anything before it slipped from your lips and into the air between the two of you.

Elsie was watching you, eyes attentively following your every word and movement. She looked ready to help. As always. Her eyes, the color of the ocean and just as deep and sure as the waves that enveloped it. The overwhelming calm you felt after telling her, also similar to the ocean in its ability to offer peace. . .

What she said first was not what you were expecting. No counsel. Just humility.

“I’m sorry for what I said about you watching that girl with Jake at the festival,” she started, tucking her hands in her lap, expression sincere. “That was callous. Not the time.”

Wrinkling your brow, you argued back, unnecessarily defensive and overwrought with emotion after spilling all of that and for the life in your belly (lovely hormones). “I’m still me, Elsie,” you huffed, rolling your eyes. “Jesus Christ.”

She raised a brow, combatting you. “Fine. If you’re still you, then I can say this: get the fuck over yourself and just be with him,” taking a drink of her coffee, she made a face. “Room temperature coffee is absolute balls,” she looked over her shoulder, trying to connect eyes with the waitress.

You saw the woman head your way, and immediately got the hint when Elsie held the cup out with puppy dog eyes. “You’ve got it, sweet baby.”

“Thank you,” Elsie said, her voice that of a grateful servant to the woman.

“You, with your food and drinks that must be so hot they burn your mout–.”

“We’re not done with you. So, shut up.”

“Jesus, Elsie! I–.”

Holding a perfectly manicured hand up, black nails flashing in front of you briefly, she cut you off. “No! I don’t want to hear any more of the bullshit. You’re literally having his baby. Get over this. . . thing in your head, and just be with him. You obviously want it. And I think he does, too.”

You sighed, the breath coming fully from your lungs. It wasn’t like you didn’t want it, too. . . it was just complicated. “It’s not that easy, Elsie,” you lamented. “There are several pieces to the puzzle.”

“Liiiiike . . .?”

“Well, for one,” you held up a finger to start the count. “He has a girlfriend now.”

“No he doesn’t,” she scrunched her face, completely disagreeing. “He’s not with any–.”

“They showed up to the party together, Elsie. The girl from the festival. And they have a past. He was groping her all night last night and she never left his side,” you repeated the events aloud, your stomach rolling at the heinous thoughts.

“Oh, shit,” her eyes got big, blowing out a slow breath. “I didn’t even realize. Josh and I–.”

“Were roaming the room for half of the night and preoccupied for the rest of it,” you said, shivering at the deplorable thought of your friend and sister.

“I was with you for a good chunk of it, too, bitch,” she corrected, pointing at you.

You stuck out your lip, nodding to agree. “You’re right. . .but you were also way too distracted by Josh to notice.”

She made the same face, mirroring you. “You are not wrong,” she grinned smartly, winking suggestively. “No regrets.”

“I’m going to puke on you.”

“Oh my god, please don’t,” she gagged. And then started singing a thank you as the waitress came back with your tickets and a fresh coffee. After dumping one million half and half cups into her mug, she took a hearty sip. When she sat it down, she practically vibrated in delight. “Oh hell yeah.”

“You know Josh hates coffee,” you noted. “Prefers tea.”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh, I know. We’ve had many long debates over the ridiculous fact,” she growled. “He’s a miscreant when he wants to be.”

You laughed outright. “Yes he is. Little fuckin’ gremlin.”

The sound that roared out of her was more reminiscent of a yell than a laugh, but it became a string of snorting and giggles that you joined in on. After a few minutes of enjoying the sound of the other’s laughter, you shook your head and scratched your brow before seeing your phone light up with a notification.

Stupidly, your tummy fluttered at the possibility of it being Jake texting you. But then you remembered that he would absolutely not be texting you in his right mind. . . that was not where you were with him right now. You weren’t sure you’d ever be there with him again. And that thought made your tummy sink as soon as it’d fluttered.

Though, the notification on your screen was enough to bring a little grin to your face, your eyes watering with the overwhelming excitement and joy that ignited in your heart at the update from your Ovia Pregnancy app.

Week 10: Congratulations, y/n! You’re heading into the tail end of your first trimester. Your baby is now the size of a kumquat and almost 1 ¼ inches long!

Not being able to help it, you turned your phone to Elsie so she could see the notification as well.

She read through it, her mouth moving as she took in the words. A wide, toothy smile made its way to her face–her entire demeanor lighting up with you. Clutching both hands to her chest, her eyes were wet next time you saw them. Your own eyes filled with more tears at her reaction to it.

“I’m so proud to be an aunt to your little kumquat baby!” She said, her voice actually quivering with emotion.

“I’m glad you’re proud,” you responded with a sniffle, drying your undereyes with a Waffle House napkin. “I’m proud, too.”

Her smile turned close-mouthed, yet no less sincere and delighted. “You should be,” she paused, then her crying eyes dried a bit as her tone turned serious. “And Jake will be, too. I know it, babe,” she stopped, pondering a thought. “You are going to tell him, right?”

You didn’t have to think about your answer. He had to know. You wanted him too, really. “Yes.” Then, your tummy flipped. “ But I don’t know if he’ll be super excited when I do,” you shook your head. “This was not in the cards for him this year. . . I wouldn’t blame him if he rejected the idea of me being pregnant with his baby.”

“Well, he wouldn’t reject it. I can say that for certain–I’m dating his twin and I know Josh would never reject a baby,” she said, wiping at her face with her own napkin. “And, I’m going to argue the other part, too. . . it obviously was in the cards for him,” she reached a hand out towards you and you took it. “This happened for a reason, sis. A good one. And Jake will view it as such.”

“I just don’t want it to slow him down,” you squeezed her hand, looking down to where they entwined on the gray table. “I need him to keep going and chase his dream.”

She raised a brow, shook her head from side to side, once again disbelieving. “He will, y/n. He’ll keep going. Josh is– and he and I are dating?. . . What’s the difference?”

“Where do I start? Most importantly, I’m messed up in the head and I need to work on myself before I expose him to myself,” you insisted, bringing your hand back to place on your tummy. “And he and Josh are different. . .Josh has a drive that Jake doesn’t. Jake gave up his dream before and he’ll do it again if he’s allowed. And a baby is already damn near the most drastically life changing thing that could happen to a person. Could completely screw up his plans,” you sighed resolutely. It was clear to her that you were firm on this, so she sat back with open and considerate eyes to let you finish. “Best to keep things separate between us so he has one less thing that is tempting him to put himself last. A baby is enough.”

She hummed, taking it all in. After taking a moment, she gave a response. “I just have one question.”

“Yes?” You prepared yourself, raising a brow.

“What’s the difference between you and the girl?-- What’s her name anyway?”

“Maya,” ugh. Hate that name. “Her name is Maya. And she is normal where I am not.”

“O-kaaaay,” she replied, still unsure of the validity in your response. You didn’t know why she seemed so unsure. She knew you better than you knew yourself. She knew you were jacked up. She let out a massive sigh, then continued. “Well, I don’t personally think you know her well enough to make that assumption. She could be more detrimental to him than you–.”

“Not possib–.”

“And you could be exactly what he needs,” she said, almost in finality, though it was obvious she wasn’t done when she leaned forward, her tone hard and steadfast. “You’re also not as “jacked up” as you seem to believe you are. Have you got things to heal? Yes. But are you still one of the most incredible people that has ever walked this planet–if not the most incredible? Even more so, yes,” her eyes watered again, but she sniffed the tears away to say her last piece. “I think you could very well be exactly what Jake Kiszka needs to be complete. And even though I wasn’t around for all of the intricacies of you two, I should’ve caught on. Because I do know the way that man fucking looks at you. . . and dammit if I’ve ever seen another man look at a woman the way he looks at you. . . not even Josh with me or Grandpa with Grandma.”

Your heart swelled and your cheeks grew instantly red. Your blood buzzed in your veins. . . did he really look at you like that?

Then, selfishly, you wondered if anyone else had noticed like Elsie had. . . like Josh. Fuck. Did he see how Jake looked at you? Had he already presumed things about you and Jake based on how his twin apparently, blatantly, ogled you? And then you realized, yet again, how you would have to obviously tell Josh of the baby. . . oh god; how would he react?

“I wish he wouldn’t,” you muttered. “I don’t need anyone to–.”

“To know?” She squeaked a giggle. “I’m sorry, babe. . . but I think your cover’s about to be totally blown within the next nine months.”

You groaned, placing your forehead in your hand as you blew your hair away from your face. “How will Josh react?” You moaned, halfway to yourself and halfway to her.

“What?”

You snapped up. “How in the hell is Josh going to react?!” You anxiously quizzed her, eyes wild. “He is already going to be hurt that I kept it from him. And then there’s the reason I kept it from him in the first place. . .,” you felt tears well in your throat right before you nearly slammed your head on your crossed arms, which laid against the table, dramatically.

Okay, these hormones can fuck right off.

“Why’s that, sissy?” She carefully inquired, tone soft, not judging your reaction the way you internally were. “Remind me again.”

You moaned, raising your head and willing the tears away. “He made it so incredibly clear to me how Jake didn’t need another woman infiltrating his life and distracting him. And how Jake needed this time to discover himself for the first time in his life. . . and I’ve completely ignored that desire of his,” a lone tear slipped from your ducts. “I’ve betrayed him. Selfishly.”

Letting the words sit in the air between you, she waited a couple of beats before inserting her two cents. “When does Jake finally get what he wants?”

You wrinkled a brow, tears completely dissipating out of curiosity for her next words.

“I mean. . .” she started, making a thoughtful smacking sound with her mouth. “Josh thinks he can call the shots. You think you can just decide to not let yourself ruin his life? Like, what the hell, first of all? And second of all. . . what if he doesn’t care about any of that shit and just wants you? Did you ever take a second to consider that?”

“Yes, Elsie,” you growled, defensive once again. “And that’s why I’m keeping the ball in my court. I’m protecting him. And that was Josh’s intent, too.”

“I don’t know where you two get off acting like Jake isn’t a grown ass man who can make his own decisions. . .,” she trailed off, flashing an irritated look out the window.

You did not want to get into this right now. The conversation was trailing much further than you fucking wanted. Your nerves were practically electrifying you and your head felt heavy.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Elsie,” you shortly bit out at her. She snapped her head back at you, her eyes still on fire. You stayed firm. “I’m done talking about all of that shit,” your hands laid safely on your lower, swelling tummy. “I have bigger things to consider now,” after glancing down at your stomach, you hit her with another stern glare. “So drop it.”

Her chest was heaving.

You were not sure what was happening; why was she suddenly so “Team Jake”? When had that happened? And again, why?

“Fine,” she conceded, sniffing resolutely once and then went to sip her coffee. Which, by the look on her face, was cold again. “Yuck. Can we bust this joint and go to Starbs? I need the sweet stuff.”

You sighed with relief at the change in subject. “Yes,” you smiled. “Let’s.”

-🌼🌼🌼-

It was just you and your sister in the open apartment, which was now completely cleaned from last night’s festivities due to your obsessive-compulsive cleaning. Though, you couldn’t help but notice when you’d come back from breakfast, Jake had been gone and the apartment looked much better than when you’d left with Elsie. It felt nice that he cared for the apartment, too–enough to try to keep it clean.

You trained your thoughts on Elsie, as she waited at the door to leave, bags completely packed, awaiting her Uber to the airport (you were, unfortunately, so suddenly fucking tired that you had decided you weren’t fit to drive her).

You didn’t want to let her go. She was your one person who knew now, and no matter how much she challenged your stance on Jake, she was still your sister and your person and you needed her with you during this time. . .

“Can you not just stay for a couple more days?” You tried once more, knowing better than to ask, as she’d repeated the words more than once now. “Let them know your sister is having an existential crisis and needs you?”

She huffed with a grin, rolling her eyes. “You are literally fine,” she reassured, reaching a hand out to hold your arm. But instead of letting it stop there, you fell into it and let yourself fall into her–let yourself wrap both of your arms around her shoulders, hugging yourself tightly to her.

“Please don’t leave,” you moaned, your voice so meek it was straight up depressing. “I need you.”

She hugged you back, dropped her duffel off her shoulder in the process of embracing you. “I always need you, sissy,” she agreed. “But I’m just a FaceTime or text away,” she assured you, combing her hands through your wet hair, having taken a shower while she’d been gone saying her goodbyes to Josh. “I’m here. And you have people here. You just need to let. them. in.”

“I know. . .,” you sighed hotly into her natural curls. “I’m just so scared to tell Jo–.”

“I’m tired of hearing that, babe,” she asserted firmly. “Because the last person you need to be scared to tell is Joshua,” she stated, leaving no room for argument, right in your ear. “And if you think about it, you know him well enough to fucking know that. So get out of your maze of thoughts and know the truth.”

She was right. . . Truly, you knew she was. You knew his heart. But. . . “How will I even. . .?”

Pulling away from you, she kept her hands wrapped around your forearms, keeping a caring hold on you. Keeping you near. “I’ve actually been thinking about this, like, all day. . . but the first thing that came to my mind is what I keep going back to.”

You waited for more, but she didn’t continue her thought. Impatient, you asked. “Which is. . .?”

“Invite him to a doctor’s appointment. Maybe your. . .first?” she offered, questioning the last part. But sounded completely sure of her idea. “It’s the perfect way to break it to him. And. . .if I’m correct, I’m assuming you haven’t had one yet since you just decided to keep it?”

“Yeah. . . no appointment yet. So, I could. . .ugh,” you answered. “But– why? How–? Will he–?”

“It’s the ideal situation because he will feel like he’s being helpful and loving. He’ll be able to be there for you. He’ll feel needed and involved and that is literally all Josh wants in general in life, so. . .”

“It’s perfect,” you weakly agreed. It really was. You couldn’t deny it.

“Yes, it is,” she flipped her hair over her shoulder and lifted her duffel bag back over her shoulder. “I came up with it.”

You scoffed. “Okay, now. Don’t get a big fuckin’ head, loser.”

“Bitch,” she bit back, shoving your shoulder.

Rubbing your shoulder in faux pain, you gave her a pitiful expression. “Elsie. I am with child, you need to be careful with me now.”

Bursting with a chuckle, straight from her chest, she shoved your other shoulder. “I’m not touching the damn stomach, so I’m good.”

You shoved her back, dropping the act and giggling with her. “You right, you right,” you said. Then, your thoughts came back to the task at hand. The baby that was squirming around in you. “I’m still scared.”

“That’s another perfect aspect of telling him in that scenario though,” she added, assuring you with her opinion. “You can’t back out. You’ll have to tell him if he meets you at the doctor’s office or takes you there or whatever the hell he does. . . you’ll have no choice but to tell him before you go in. And he’ll just have to take it,” she said, her plan sounding, admittedly, concrete. “He will survive,” she dropped her hands from your arms and looped her belt bag around her chest before placing a hand delicately to your cheek. “I promise he’ll survive.”

Just then, her phone dinged, indicating her Uber had arrived. So, with many “I love you’s” and a few curse words, you were following her down the stairs, then hugging her tightly once more outside of her awaiting Uber.

And as you watched her leave the parking lot, the tears started to flow. So. many. tears. Steady, hard, relentless weeping. . .

The emotions were obviously true, yes, but the hormones–and your current, lonely headspace– were amplifying the already-existing emotions of her leaving to an incredibly irritating degree.

But before you could lose yourself in them any more, you heard a door to a car shut to your left, along with a laugh you knew all too well. Jake was home.

And if you didn’t move, he was going to see you as a hysterical mess and you did not want his fucking pity right now. Last thing you needed. And worse, you also didn’t want to see his expression, for the chance it might be hard and uncaring. You also didn’t want to possibly see a certain woman arrive with him.

You were sure she was with him. The feminine giggle you heard accompanying his endearing chuckles could be no one else.

So, instead of looking in his direction, you turned quickly on your heel and speed-walked up the stairs, a hand on your tummy to avoid any hurt to the kumquat baby.

As soon as your back hit the closed door, you breathed a sigh, which turned into a long yawn. The kind that made you shiver with a sudden, urgent desire to sleep. You didn’t have to work today, you’d canceled study plans. . . So suddenly, you felt abundantly free and a nap sounded like the perfect remedy to the overwhelming emotions of your day.

-🌼🌼🌼-

Monday came and went before you even knew it was happening. As did Tuesday. As did Wednesday. And when Thursday came around, you had your Modern Poetry elective. The one class you had with someone you knew relatively well.

You hadn’t made it a priority to make tons of friends while in school to get your degree–you’d had Josh and Elsie, and eventually Sammy and Danny. . .and that had been enough.

But, when Theo had popped back up into your life, anytime you saw him in a class, it really did feel nice to be around someone familiar at school. Even though he was on the more annoying side, he was still a good confidant.

And especially with the massive course load this semester, having someone you knew around was helpful. Good for feeling less alone. He was somebody who was going through school with you; he got the overwhelming amount of pressure from school, too. He felt the senioritis, too. . . but, his case was slightly different.

He was ready to be done with school so he could pursue this career he longed to have in writing, while you were just ready to be done.

Initially, when you had started the semester, you were just ready to be out of Pratt because you felt like you were wasting your time on a degree you’d lost passion for (save for your minor in media studies which gave you the occasional music-related course).

Now you weren’t sure why you were ready to be done. What made you feel more anxious to put Pratt in the past now? Was it the burning desire to be done with a passionless major? Or did the life in your tummy have something to do with it? The thought of the baby you held inside honestly got your blood pumping more excitedly in your veins than a college degree ever could.

You really only cared about ascertaining a healthy baby– no longer caring much for a piece of paper saying you had studied writing, uselessly, for four long years.

But you had to make it through school. If not for you, for your baby. You didn’t have much longer left, and you owed it to that child to see this through. You had to find some drive though. So, in came Theo to help with that. He was great at encouraging others, and that was exactly what you needed while trudging through the sixteen hours of classes you’d enrolled in this semester.

When you were getting up to leave for class that afternoon, you had your mind set on a big jar of baby pickles (stereotypical pregnant woman, much?). You were ready to get off campus and to the nearest grocery store for the deliciously tangy food.

Before you could leave your two-person table, though, a hand came out to grab your arm as a way of stopping you. If you had acted on impulse, you would have whined and stomped your foot in protest at being kept from satisfying your pickle craving.

But you didn’t act like a petulant child. Instead, you turned around, eyes opened and ready for whatever was needed from you.

And when you looked behind your shoulder, Theo was there, a head or so above you, smiling and waiting for a response.

“Yes?” You asked, semi-irritatedly, semi-sweetly. “What’s up?”

He just stared a little while longer, blinking rapidly before shaking his head. His blonde hair had grown out a bit and shook with the movement, eyes twinkling just enough, making your heart thump a little harder in your chest.

Why in the hell?

“I meant to ask you Tuesday, but you were gone before I could,” he started, adjusting his messenger bag over his shoulder. He shifted on his feet a little before peering curiously into your eyes. “Are you okay? I missed seeing you for our usual Sunday study time. . .”

You swallowed, slightly grumpy that he felt the need to pry.

He’s just showing he cares, y/n, the angelic voice said, which now stopped by more occasionally than the negative one.

Not wanting to tell him anything too personal (God, no), you went with the bare minimum. “A friend hosted a Halloween party at my place on Saturday, and my sister was actually in town for it,” you divulged, wrapping your fists tighter around the straps of your backpack. Please let me leave after this. “So I hung out with her yesterday while she was still in town.”

Not the whole truth, but not so much dishonesty to me feel bad.

“Oh!” He said, a light hearted laugh accompanying his tone. “Cool. I remember from high school how close you two were.”

I remember how much she didn’t like you, you thought, feeling uneasy at past-Elsie’s opinion of the guy.

Was he really that bad though? He’d been great for you during high school. Even though it had only been a year of time with him, he had still been a decent person to have around during those formative years of your life. He had been considerate, kind, helpful. . . the only negative things you could remember were the few times he’d try to get you to calm down on unnecessary occasions. He could be occasionally judgmental, but wasn’t everyone to an extent?

And maybe you and Elsie had only been your average, overly sensitive high school girls and had thought he was worse than he actually was.

Because at this moment, all you could see were the green flecks in his blue eyes and how they caught the sun that shone in from the window behind you, and onto his pale face. The way he waited earnestly to hear your response made you feel special and valuable to him at this moment and what woman didn’t like that?

“Yeah,” you said, tucking some hair behind your ear before folding your hands over your chest. Aaand, wincing, you quickly moved them away. Your boobs were especially tender with the extra pressure against them. Every day they seemed to get more sensitive to the touch, feeling heavier–fuller. “We’re still that close. Probably closer now, actually. After living together, and then her job forcing her to be far away often. . .,” you trailed off, sad at the thought of her being so far away all the damn time. “We’re forced to communicate way more than we ever have before.”

He nodded, winking at you. And although he was cute, you didn’t feel anything at the wink, really. It didn’t swirl your tummy with nerves like it would with someone. . .else. You chalked it up to the craving that was still distracting you, making your tummy growl.

He cleared his throat before he tucked one hand in a jeans pocket and one tighter around the strap of his bag. “Intentional is the word,” he added with another wink, seeming to understand to a degree. But you caught the aggravating ‘know-it-all’ attitude. Tipping his head, he looked at you with smiling eyes. “You okay?” He motioned with his hand at your neck-chest region.

Your brow furrowed, confused. Defenses were instantly raised and you took a step back, tucking your hands into your back pockets. “Yes?” You retorted, tilting your head to challenge him. “Why?”

“Just saw you flinch and all,” he said, in wonder at your tone. When he spoke next, he no longer seemed understanding, only misunderstanding. “Nothing big. Don’t worry,” he held his hands out, as if calming a tiger.

You felt stupid for overreacting, so you covered your tracks with a forced giggle, masking the situation the best you could with a straight-up (ironic) lie. “Just a certain time of the month,” you explained extremely falsely. “Overly reactive to everything right now.” That was true.

“Oh,” he pointed a finger at you, pretending to get it. “Makes sense.”

Okay, you thought, squinting at him as he looked to the side with a sort of confidence. Maybe Elsie had been onto something. . .

But then he peered down at you again with his sparkly eyes and shaggy, naturally blonde hair. It made you feel a little weak for the guy, even with him irritating you.

But why was he irritating you, exactly? Maybe your emotions were controlling you a little too much– getting too easily offended thanks to the hormones. . . Perhaps he was just acting like a normal human, while you were the one who wasn't reacting like a normal human.

Your stomach was fucking growling though. . .Theo didn’t matter worth fuck at that moment. What did matter was how badly your body was craving eating for two. If you didn’t eat soon, you were afraid you would faint from lack of sustenance (you definitely wouldn’t, but there were the over-reactive feelings again).

You started backing up, and made it just next to the table when you were saying your next words. “I’m going to go ahead and get out of her–.”

“Wait!”

Having just turned on your heel, your face was hidden from view, and you were able to roll your eyes when you heard him. You weren’t going to stop though. He could follow you to the parking lot. You were hungry and grouchy and ready to eat an entire jar of pickles before crashing hard against your sheets. Before you had to show up at the B&G for the evening shift.

“Follow me,” you said, short, only looking over your shoulder at him briefly before continuing your trek. But please don’t talk for long.

You were just outside North Hall when you decided to stop, so you wouldn’t have to fear him stalling you at your car.

“What’s up?” You asked, playing cool despite your desire to grumble.

“I actually– I just thought–,” he laughed, seemingly at himself. He scratched behind his ear. Then he stood up straight, determined after tucking both hands into his front pockets and clearing his throat for the second time that day. You noticed his jeans, dark wash, skinny, and complimenting his firm thighs. “I wanted to ask you to hang out with me sometime– outside of here.”

Seriously? He was stopping your pickle eating for this?

You couldn’t help the snicker that escaped you, confused. “We do hang out,” you grasped tightly to the straps of your backpack again, anxious to get food. Already tired of him. “Every Sunday.”

“Well, yeah,” he agreed, pausing. Then he grinned in a way you assumed he thought was cute. But all it really did was make your eyes hurt from the inability to roll, out of courtesy for him. He continued, taking a step closer. Your hands did start perspiring and your heart sped up positively at his proximity. “But I thought maybe we could do something not related to school?”

You opened your mouth to reject it–you were not interested. For many reasons. The biggest being the baby in your belly. . .

Although, the more you pondered the baby, you realized more than that, you were hesitant because of his or her father.

Not the child, but Jake. The man that was ever-present in your mind– with his beautiful, brunette hair, eyes the color of understanding, easing you in the most complex situations. . . and the heart that’d made the world suddenly make sense. . . (Which still scared the hell out of you, by the way.)

But. . .as the thoughts spiraled, it all started to have the opposite effect. Made you want to agree.

So, you did.

You said yes to hanging out with Theo. Because, as soon as that thought process had started derailing, you knew it was best to agree. The idea of hanging out with him seemed like a great distraction from Jake. A much needed one.

What you had with Jake was nothing and it was in the past. For a reason.

After you watched him smile wide and say he’d text you, he went to join a heap of Pratt’s fraternity boys. You could only hope that maybe getting out there and hanging out with someone else would get your mind off of Jake.

You did not want it going further than a few dates with Theo. Just a little time with Theo would surely be all it took to get your headspace cleared and make it easier to navigate life.

The repercussions to its ending were literally nothing. You’d switch seats in class and force yourself through school with the occasional encouragement from Elsie. Theo was not a necessary addition to your life long-term, but you figured he could help you short-term, while also creating long lasting benefits.

Surely you could divert your thoughts from Jake. Think of the child first, and put its father on the backburner as you weaved through this next chapter in your life. . . No matter how badly you wanted him with you through all of it, experiencing it all first hand with you, it was the wiser decision to keep things separate.

And, as an additional help, Theo would make it obvious to Jake that you were willing to keep your life separate.

So, when you did eventually tell Jake (dear fucking God), there would be an additional party that emphasized you’d moved on and all that mattered now was the baby.

Not the two of you. That ship needed to sail.

Even though the thought made your stomach hurt like hell and tears well in your eyes as you pulled into the nearest Trader Joe’s for pickles. . . you knew it was the truth.

-🌼🌼🌼-

That evening, you took a longer route to work, choosing to listen to a podcast you’d found.

Having listened to the first episode on the way to school that morning, you decided to fill your cup with another episode on the way to work.

It was a magnificent podcast that was all about the ‘ins and outs’ of pregnancy, being a new mother, and how to grow mentally and emotionally during such a unique time.

The second episode was going just as well as the first until you heard one of the moderators’ voices get low and forlorn.

“You know ladies. . . the first time I got pregnant is planted firmer in my memory than any of my other pregnancies,” she said, sighing heavily.

“Oh, yeah, Jen,” another moderator said, voice growing dim with Jen’s, apparently (you were still getting accustomed to their names). “I bet, babe. . . The ones that are lost are the ones that stick so close it fuckin’ hurts and heals at the same time. . .”

“Agreed, Tally,” the third—and last—speaker on the podcast chimed in. “I’ll touch on my story after Jen.”

“Thanks, Molly,” Jen’s voice rang through your speakers again. “Yeah, it’s just a different feeling when they’re there and then suddenly they’re not. . . When you imagine holding them in your arms for God knows how long and then it suddenly becomes impossible to do so,” Jen sniffed, and just as she did, you felt a tear hit your own cheek. God, you were hurting with her. “Every woman is different, but I just hang onto my loss like nothing else. And not necessarily in a bad way— just in an attempt to sort of keep the baby here with me— Give her the life she never got to fully live.”

Dammit, the tears wouldn’t let up. They were trailing down your cheeks steadily. When you got to the next stop light, you had to grab a napkin from your glovebox to blot at your cheeks, already marked with black streaks of mascara. Thankfully you could still wipe them up easily, not dried to your skin quite yet. But you knew the crying wouldn’t be letting up soon. Your emotions had been triggered and you would be seeing this sadness through. (Hello, pregnancy hormones.)

You took turns holding the napkin under each eye, making sure to catch the tears as they continued.

“I’m right there with you, Jenny,” a voice you now recognized as Molly’s said. “Even though my stories are a little different.”

Stories?

God. You kept your eyes on the road as you popped open the glovebox once more, grabbing a fistful of left-over restaurant napkins.

Sitting them on top of your legging-clad thighs, right where you could reach them, you took a right turn towards the B&G.

“I’m sure we have listeners who will relate to all of these stories,” Tally interjected, sniffing. “Both of you girls.”

“I hope we’re able to help someone,” Jen responded, voice still thick, but not so bad as before.

You heard a sigh before Molly started speaking again. “The first time I carried was very similar to Jenny’s. Lost the baby. Early on. The worst loss I’ve ever experienced—I will never understand why we lose them,” her voice shook with sadness. But, it soon transitioned to a hot flash of irate frustration when she spoke next. “I will also never understand the people who invalidate our experiences just because they were lost in the womb or lost as little tiny babies. . . Just because they weren’t full grown people, outside of the womb, when it happened. . . doesn’t make it hurt any less. You have just as much to mourn for the life they completely lost.” And just as soon as she was firm, her voice was soft again. “The life we lost before it was time.”

The other two agreed, voices low out of respect for the moment.

“Then there was my second. . .,” she blew out a breath, as if preparing. She gave a half-laugh. “Strange occurrence. . .”

“But it happens!” One of the other two chimed in.

“Sure as hell does,” Molly said. “The second time I carried, I had a hysterical pregnancy– a case that only 6 women in 22,000 experience. . .”

“I can’t imagine. . .,” Tally breathed a sigh out. “Your body, tricking you like that.”

“Yeah, and it felt completely real– like everything you’d expect,” she replied, thoughtful. “Like everything I experienced with the one I’d lost before. . . And, God, it was so incredibly hard to get through once I found out what my body had done to me. . . I just wanted a healthy baby–especially after the loss. I was still hurting badly from losing the first when it happened. Almost like my body was playing tricks on me just to see how far I could stretch mentally and emotionally,” she laughed under her breath, in spite of it all.

“So fucking cruel, babe. . .”

But you weren’t focusing hard enough to know who was talking anymore. You’d caught on to the stories they’d told and now you were over analyzing your situation. . . Questioning everything. . . Was this real? Was there a baby there? Were you having a hysterical pregnancy? Was your body playing tricks on you?

Or, had you been pregnant, and had now lost the baby like those women had? Were you still carrying the life you’d started planning around? The little life you were becoming more and more attached to by the day?

Had you ever been carrying it?

As you pulled into work, you put one shaking hand on your rounded lower belly.

- 🌼🌼🌼-

Suffice to say, your entire evening shift was spent in over-contemplation and searching miscarriages, hysterical pregnancies, and semi-local OBGYN’s during the lull of customers.

As you’d searched online for a clinic, you were not looking for places too close, as you didn’t want God and everybody seeing you enter the clinic on a regular basis (if you, in fact, were to find out you were carrying a tiny little bean-baby). You sure as hell didn’t need anyone to start questioning you before you were ready to offer up answers.

Once you finally left your longest shift ever, you drove home in deep thought and drowning silence.

Your research over miscarriages and hysterical pregnancies had done you very little good. They’d actually done you no good at all, if you were being honest. Everything you’d read made you question a lot.

Because, everything that could possibly reassure you was also possible in a hysterical pregnancy or a miscarriage.

One: your growing tummy (which could continue growing in both of the sad, unwanted instances). Two: your hurting breasts (which could still hurt in both sad, unwanted instances). And three: your nausea (which could still occur in both sad, unwanted instances).

Once at home, you took a hot second getting ready for bed— lost in thought, you decided to try to tiring yourself with a bath, complete with lavender scented bath salts and bubbles. Once you were finally in bed, cozy in your softest pajama pants and an oversized t-shirt, you tried so hard to force yourself to sleep. You didn’t want to have to wait any longer to call the nice little clinic you’d found.

And you sure as hell weren’t hungry. Didn’t want to eat with your stomach spinning with so many nerves.

And, the sooner you fell asleep, the sooner you could call the clinic and schedule an appointment.

- 🌼🌼🌼-

But, after laying there for what felt like hours– the sounds of calming ocean waves playing through your phone and everything– you were still awake.

You were drowning in all of the thoughts. Drown-ing.

One that was flashing brightly at the front of your mind was why you even cared so much. And, the more you thought about it, tossing and turning, you realized you’d found the most unique, fulfilling form of reassurance in carrying the child. You wanted this baby. It had happened without you even meaning it to. . . but you wanted this baby so. fucking. badly. You’d tried damn hard not to want the little thing, but now that you’d spent so much time pondering it and holding your tummy? There was no question about any of it. You just wanted your baby and you couldn’t figure out how to explain it.

After rolling around far too much in bed, you realized you still hadn’t heard the telling sounds of Jake coming home. So, you decided to venture out into the living room to let a TV show distract you. Hopefully distract you enough to go to sleep. Pillow, Stanley, and phone in hand, you grabbed the fluffiest blanket from your blanket basket and nestled into your couch.

Just as you’d turned the TV to Friends–wanting to feel closer to Elsie, but not feeling brave enough to talk to her whilst already being so emotional–, you heard the sound of a key jingling in the locked doorknob. And then the door was opening and you were looking behind you at the sound— for God knows what reason.

Then he was all you saw.

Jake.

Clad in the most handsome black, felt peacoat, the top of his head hidden by a black beanie. . . the chilly evening’s attire suited him so well that it brought a ridiculous tear to your eye.

So devastatingly handsome and not at all mine, your thoughts became enveloped with storm clouds.

Thankfully he didn’t see you staring, as he seemed to be trying to avoid eye contact as he went about setting his keys in the bowl and taking his coat off to hang it on the rack by the door. And, as his actions cemented your thoughts, your eyes became wetter, a tear falling down your cheek for this stupid ass, cruel reality that you’d created. Even if you had done it for a good reason—and you had—it still sucked big ass.

But, just as soon as your eyes were growing teary, your heart was beating erratically in your chest. The sight of the soft, tanned skin between the opened lapels of his shirt— exposed after taking off the coat. And the silver necklaces that clanged against his bare chest were the same he’d worn for Halloween. . . Your mouth watered as you observed the way they fell between his pecs which rose and fell with balanced breaths. . .

Seriously, fuck these hormones.

Before you could get lost in the roundness of his ass through his jeans, he turned to the counter once more. You flipped back to your original spot on the couch. You decided to

feign any knowledge of him being home, curling into a little ball on the couch and closing your eyes to fake sleep.

When you heard him make a stop at his bedroom and then heard the bathroom door click shut, you stayed wrapped in your cocoon on the couch. And before too long, you felt yourself fading to black, one final tear slipping past your closed lids as Rachel and Ross argued over being on a break.

-🌼🌼🌼-

Initially, you weren’t sure what it was that brought you back from such a deep slumber. But, once you heard him, you knew. The deep, raspy laugh that was slightly muffled through you gaining consciousness.

Why was he in the living room? Was he? Was this your imagination? A taunting dream?

You cracked an eye open the slightest bit to allow some adjustment to the light you’d shut your eyes to. But. . . There was no overhead light. It was off. The room would’ve been pitch black, save for your standing lamp’s yellow glow and the blue light from your TV.

More importantly, the warning feeling of a crick in your neck was suddenly catching your attention. So, without worrying about your company, you quickly sat up to attempt getting more comfortable. You didn’t want to feel awkward around him, but you also didn’t want to deal with a hitch in your neck or a migraine in the morning.

The loud yawn that escaped you once you’d sat up couldn’t be helped. You were slightly embarrassed at the obnoxiously loud noise that emitted from your mouth as you stretched. Blushing, you glanced over at your fellow living room occupant to see if he’d even noticed.

And, of course, he had.

He was staring at you—but. . . not judgmentally. Not at all. In fact, his eyes held the natural, reassuring lightness that occupied your sweetest recent memories. And the small grin on his face. . . was shocking, to say the least.

Why was he acting so okay with you? He’d been so distant recently. . .

You knit your eyebrows together, hyper aware of his presence and needing answers as to why he had decided to sit next to you.

“What are you doing here?” You clipped, tone sharp. You brought your blanket all the way up to your chin and around your shoulders, as a way to protect yourself from the (obviously) harmless man.

Although, you instantly regretted it as his expression became apprehensive rather than open like seconds before.

Why do you have to go and ruin everything, y/n?

He leaned back, his eyebrows furrowed as he balanced a bowl of (. . . macaroni and cheese? Fuck, that looked good.) on his knee, holding onto it with one hand. “I live here, y/n.”

And yet another memory was flashing back to you from the night you got high. . . his breath, hot on your neck, your skin erupting in goosebumps as he said similar words then– your skin flaming now, too. Just the sound of his voice could elicit the most from you. Fuck your pregnant feelings.

Or were they just feelings? The fear came rushing back the moment you thought yourself pregnant. . . was there a baby in there? God, fuck. . . you really didn’t want to sit in this train of thought again.

You figured you might as well use your company to distract you. . . .You missed talking to him anyways–missed it so damn bad.

But your tummy interrupted you. The growl that emitted from it was fucking humiliating, honestly, but it had happened. And after eyeing you curiously for a minute, Jake’s lips turned up with a one breathy laugh, his beautiful pearly whites on full display. God, he was handsome.

“You hungry?” He questioned, lifting his mac and cheese. “I made more of this. It’s just the shit Kraft, but it still hits the spot.”

Nodding, you went to hesitantly get up to get some. You really didn’t want to move from under the security of your warm, cozy blanket.

“No, just wait here,” he insisted, standing. His pajama pants were your favorites (the ones he didn’t normally wear underwear with). But you did not watch his crotch for movement. Your eyes were just staring at the wrong place at the wrong time. Really. “I have to wash my bowl anyway. I’ll put the rest in a bowl for you while I’m up.”

Again, why was he being so fucking nice? But you weren’t about to disagree. You were comfy and hungry and he was offering. It felt like old times and you felt like being momentarily delusional.

“Okay,” you quietly agreed, your eyes shifted, unsure to his face. But he was moving before you could look at him. Back to the kitchen. After a few moments, he was back, handing you a little white bowl with a spoon. The scrumptious, cheesy noodles made your eyes light up. “Thank you.”

“Yeah,” he nodded, responding as though elsewhere. This was weird and you hated how it all felt. But he kept talking, filling the air as he sat a beer on the end table beside him, before sitting back down in the chair. “I had to get a beer anyway. Long day with the guys and May–,” he cleared his throat, his eyes shutting briefly as he shook his head.

Fuck. Thanks, Jake, you thought, your eyes on the verge of welling with tears. The moments of silence, hanging in the air, closing in around you. Not fucking now, hormones.

All you wanted to do was ask why it had been a long day. Get more information that might hurt you. Why did you do that to yourself?

Though, before you could say anything, he continued. Awkwardly, his eyes flashing momentarily to the TV to reset as he spoke. “Long day. I should’ve asked if you wanted one.”

Your cheeks heated. . . little did he know. “I’m good,” you mumbled, looking down at your bowl. Stomach sinking with your thoughts from earlier, you decided to eat before you lost your appetite again. Not the time to be sad. “Thanks though.”

The next few minutes went by in a silence you wanted to stab with a fucking knife. It was seriously unpleasant and sucked ass. After you both laughed at a certain thing Joey said, you figured you might as well try to keep some sort of conversation going. Because, god, you missed him.

“I meant in here, by the way,” you motioned with your head to the space around you, mouth full. (Ladylike.)

His brow raised as he looked from the screen to you, setting his gaze on you. “What are you–?”

“My question. Why you were here,” you embarrassingly restated, hearing how it must’ve sounded. “In the living room. With me. Why you were in here, in the living room, with me, of all places.”

He sat further back, but this time going to sit in the armchair comfortably. His feet propped up on the ottoman across from him. “Well,” he covered his mouth, coughing briefly into his fist. “To be fair– you were sleeping when I came to sit down in here.”

Rather than being unnecessarily hurt over him only wanting to be in the same room as a sleeping version of you, you let yourself give in to the temptation and take advantage of him being distracted by his next task. You missed everything about him. . . even such a simple thing as watching him move.

Pathetic. And, because your mind hated you, it felt like you were watching him move in slow motion.

You watched in a daze as he leaned over to the tall lamp’s attached table, his self-cut gray t-shirt rising up at his hips to show his firm abdomen flex with the stretch. It shouldn’t be so fucking hot to watch someone reach for a fucking beer bottle. But, the sight that greeted you next was worse than seeing his side peeking from his shirt. What you saw next were his full, pink lips, wrapping just right around the glass top of his beer bottle as he took a generous sip of his Miller Lite. You admired, mouth open as his adam’s apple bobbed in his throat with each gulp of the beer.

But when he went to repeat his action of leaning over the chair to set the bottle back, you decided to look away so as to save yourself from the torture (or, from the possibility of being caught). You took a bite of the mac and cheese, growing cold in your bowl.

Your heart was already hammering much too erratically from glimpsing these ridiculously mundane motions. . . fuck it all. The heat from being so near to him and watching him settled from your head all the way to the pit of your tummy. You swallowed down your bite thickly.

Your tummy.

“Yeah,” you muttered, awkwardly – you just wanted to have a conversation to get your mind off things. Problem was, you didn’t know where to necessarily start with him these days. . . Work? The band? Maya? God, no. . . gag.

Lucky for you, he took the initiative before you had much longer to overthink it. “I’m glad you woke up, though.” He pulled at his plaid pajama bottoms as he scooted up again, going back to get comfortable on the ottoman. Sitting with his legs spread (dammit), he balanced his elbows on his knees as he reached for his phone in his pocket. “I actually wanted to run something past you.”

God, please don’t say you found a place and you’re moving out. . . you thought, suddenly downcast and dreading what he was about to say. Or that you’re moving out to live with her.

You swallowed the thickness in your throat, trying to alleviate the unwarranted nerves before responding. Dispelling them with food, you took one more bite before swallowing it to talk. “And what’s that?”

So what if he wanted to move out? He damn well could. He surely had the money and you two weren’t involved.

He scrolled for a few more moments, your heart thump-thump-thumping without relenting. . . And finally, he found what he was looking for and before you had time to prepare, his eyes were sinking into yours earnestly.

God. . . what is he about to sa–?

“I found a place for you to get therapy,” he stated, tone soft and careful.

Therapy? Safe to say you were not expecting those words.

And rather than being nervous, your emotions shifted to defensiveness. Where did he get off looking into that for you? Why was he . . .? Was he talking about the promise he’d made in his bed? That same night you’d panicked at your grandparents’? He’d remembered to do that? Why did he even care, still? You didn’t deserve for him to care– didn’t want him to care. It felt uncomfortable.

“Why?” You sharply asked, holding your bowl in stiff hands on your lap.

He leveled you with a look that said ‘cut it out.’ Did he really know where your thoughts were trailing? Was he still that in tune with you? Surely not. He was probably just irritated with your tone of voice. “I told you I would look for you, so I’ve been keeping up my end of the deal. I’ve actually asked a few clients if they knew of any nearby therapists worth their salt,” he peeked back at his phone, scrolling on it when he spoke next. “And there are actually quite a few good ones in the area.”

Your heart still beat harshly in your chest as you felt your skin heat with rage. You set your bowl down on the coffee table. And, the blanket, suddenly suffocating you, was flung off without a thought. “So, what is this? Is this you saying I’m a fucking loony, Jake? I’m sure you’ve been desperate as fucking hell to get me help because you think I’m such a nutcase,” you spit. You sounded dramatic (and, admittedly, like a deranged woman). You knew that. If you were thinking sensibly, you’d know he didn’t believe those things. . . but you were embarrassed that he’d been thinking so hard about this. It hurt your feelings that he thought you needed help that badly. “I’m just so broken and damaged and insane that you’ve decided you need to get a damn shrink to fix me.” Your lap was a sudden magnet for your eyes, your hands entangled on your pajama bottoms. Now, the hot teardrop that hit your interlocked hands was not expected and you swiftly swiped at your cheek. “Thanks for thinking so long and hard and asking God and everybody to find the most qualified person to psychoanalyze the shit out of me,” you sniffled, a couple more tears falling before you willed them away and looked in his eyes. “Thank you so much, Jake.”

But he wasn’t flustered. . . no, he actually sat there and took it. The brow that had raised on his face as you spoke was the only indicator that he’d heard you.

The emotions you were experiencing were big and uncalled for. . . but, you were stressed. Over a lot of things. Doubting a lot of things. Your life seemed like one humongous question mark and you were sleepy as fuck and it was all just catching the fuck up with you.

He cleared his throat, glancing once more at his phone before setting it on the arm of the chair. A tiny smirk ghosted briefly over his lips before they were set in a flat line again as he spoke next. His eyes stayed trained on his own hands, now clasped as well. “Y/n. . . Please. You know I don’t fuckin’ think those things,” he tried quietly, slightly testy, but not harsh. Then his irises found yours once more, making your heart rate speed up. You did know that. . . You knew better. He was right. “You agreed to this. I wouldn’t have made a point to look into this if you hadn’t okayed it,” he stretched his hands out and then combed them through his long, chestnut locks.

His jaw flexed and he eyed you once more, digging into the heart of this before going any deeper. “I don’t want to force it on you. I won’t go any further in this conversation if you don’t want it. This is your decision. You know I looked into therapists. That’s it. You choose where you want this to go and then I’ll either leave you alone or tell you what I found out.”

You felt bit by bit of your current guard break down as you slowly relented. Because, well, you did want to know what he’d found out. Absentmindedly, you glanced down at where you’d subconsciously placed your hands over your stomach. It was habit at this point. That one reason underneath your fingertips was pushing you to know what he’d come to know. If you were, in fact, with child, you were desperate to start therapy. Yeah, sure, you wanted to get help for your sake. . . but more-so the child’s sake. Because, honestly, if you were not with child, you weren’t really sure if you’d want to push yourself to do that– go through all of those intense measures and changes and emotions that you knew only therapy could bring.

There was a ginormous sneaking, sinking suspicion in your gut. The one that was telling you there was a helluva lot more simmering, boiling beneath the surface than you knew. There had to be. For all the blaming you’d put on Jake just now, you knew you were a basket case. And there were some good fucking reasons behind it that you had to get to the bottom of.

You had to do it for your child. And, on the off chance that your worst fears would come to light and you weren’t actually pregnant, it wouldn’t hurt to at least hear Jake out. Listen to what he’d found.

You mumbled your next words. “Do you think I need fixing?” Dear God–where had that vulnerability come from? Did you want to know his answer?

Jake brought a thumb and forefinger up to his chin as he scratched it in contemplation, still measuring you with a long look. “I think it’s more complex than that, y/n,” he breathed a sigh out, as if not sure how to say what he was actually thinking.

And dammit– it hurt for him to not just respond with a simple “no, I don’t think you need fixing.” More complex? What the hell did that even mean?

“Do you think I’m brok–?”

“No,” he sighed. Then, he had your heart leaping into your throat when, in one swift motion, he was standing and walking the ottoman closer to where you sat on the couch. When he plopped down, he didn’t touch you. . . but the closer proximity was enough. The way your eyes naturally flitted momentarily to where his chest steadily rose and fell. You breathed with him. He spoke his next words with a low rasp, eyes serious as they pored into yours. “You are not broken.”

Your heart fluttered, making its way back to its home in your chest. “Okay,” you muttered. You needed to hear him say that– more than you’d ever be comfortable admitting. Finally, you responded to his prior offer. You knew what you wanted. “Tell me what you found out.”

Jake watched you for a few more seconds before leaning back a little, reaching back to grab his phone from the arm of the chair he’d been sitting in. You averted your sight to your hands this time, not watching his movements. Your hands, which were still nestled nonchalantly on your tummy.

“So,” he started. Your gaze flickered up to him, a lazy smile fitting to your face. You watched his lips move as he spoke. Honestly, you hated how safe he felt. It wrapped you up cozier than the blanket that’d been around you moments ago. And the sad reality: you couldn’t wrap yourself up in him. You’d have to take what you could get. “I found this place. About 30 minutes from us. It’s a bit of a lengthy drive, but I figured it was worth it. It’s a clinic that’s very well known by many people around here, I’ve found out.”

“Expensive?”

“Eh. Yeah. Pricier than others,” he clicked his tongue, raised his brow. “But– I asked Josh offhandedly the other day what the insurance was like at the B&G to figure out if it was covered by your–.”

“What do you mean offhandedly?” You nudged, hoping he hadn’t divulged that it was about you. “You didn’t tell him–?”

“No. I just asked him as if I was comparing it to mine at the agency that I teach lessons through,” he reassured. You breathed in relief. He snickered. “I wouldn’t tell him anything about. . .,” he cleared his throat, his eyes shifting from your face to the wall behind your head and then to his phone again. “Anyways. . . they’re covered by your insurance.”

At the end of the day, it didn’t really matter if Josh found out. . . he was about to have a massive bomb dropped on him (by you, of course). But. . . you still didn’t really want him finding anything out from Jake. Didn’t want him hearing anything before you were ready.

“Cool,” you grinned, trying to ease the tension. He opened his mouth to continue, but you stopped him before he could. “Thank you, by the way. For looking into this.”

He looked surprised and you hated that he seemed that way. You should have been more appreciative to begin with. . . this was such a selfless thing for him to do and you’d reacted by getting defensive and snapping. When that was the last thing he deserved. God, you were awful sometimes.

He smiled, wide and close-lipped. “Of course. I told you I would.”

You nodded, looking back to your hands, which you’d let move to your lap. Didn’t want him catching on to you holding your stomach. “What’s the next step?”

“Well,” he began, hesitantly. “I called them for a quote and asked about a specific therapist.”

“Why specific?” You questioned, scrunching your brows.

“That leads into the next part, actually. . .,” he slowly continued, “She’s the only one at their practice that specializes in this unique form of therapy. A type I’ve read and researched on a fuck ton. . . I wanted to find the perfect method for your specific traumatic effects. So, I thought of the dreams. . . how you like control. . . I think it’s the type of therapy you could benefit most from.”

Damn. Way to call you out on your need for control. If anyone knew how much you desired control, though, you figured he did. But. . .now you were even more curious. . . because. . . you were venturing into different types? Wouldn’t just be sitting down with a shrink? What did he have in mind?

“And this type is. . .?”

His eyes light up, excitedly, as if he’s been dying to get to this part. “It’s called EMDR,” he voiced with a tinge of apprehension and elated anticipation. As you mouthed the letters under your breath, he clarified further. “Eye, E. Movement, M. Desensitization, D. And Reprocessing, R.”

You blinked a few times and shook your head. “Okay,” you stated slowly, placing your hands in front of you to indicate he needed to slow down. “What the fuck does all of that mean though?”

“Before I continue, I need you to know: I’ve done a shit ton of research and out of all of it, I’ve become really invested and interested in this type of therapy specifically. . . and for good reason. I’m really hopeful that it will help you,” he emphasized, eyes sincere.

Your tummy did somersaults at how invested he’d become in all of this . . . but your mind stuttered momentarily at the flutter. You couldn’t help but get lost in the thought of a little bean in there and how you hoped to feel little kicks someday (obviously not yet, Jesus Christ), not just Jake-induced butterflies. God, you hoped there was a little thing in there. . .

Jake’s steady, soft voice brought you back to the present and to his face that peered down at his phone, reading carefully. “To put it simply: it’s like a form of hypnosis. A way to force you to remember certain things so you can finally move on and heal from them.”

You blanched at that. “I’m going to be hypnotized?” To say you were second guessing this was a massive understatement. This EMDR shit could take a back seat. You were already apprehensive about getting help–even with the traditional approach. “I’m not down for hyp-fucking-nosis. Hell no. And all for the sake of remembering things I don’t really care to remember in the first place? I don’t think so, Jake,” you shook your head, toying with a loose thread at the bottom of your t-shirt. “I’m already taking a hugeass leap by being willing to go to therapy itself. I don’t need the voodoo shit . . . I’ll settle for the traditional approach,” you paused, not wanting to get too far ahead before showing your thanks. “But. . . thank you for–.”

“No, no. Listen,” he said, laying one hand on your knee for a blip of a second, your mind short-circuited at the touch. He damn sure had your attention now. “It’s different. Yes, you’ll remember things. But . . . well. . . Shit, I don’t know how to explain it in my own words.

“Well, just send me a link and I’ll give it a read and we’ll settle–.”

“Quit,” he sternly said. “Quit saying that you’re going to settle. I don’t want you to settle. I want you to get to the root of this. . . so you can heal. Please. Hear me out,” he pleaded, the hand going back to rest on your knee for a few moments longer than last time before he removed it again. “It's–it’s more than remembering. It’s like— like your mind takes you back to the memory. You’re there all over again, living it a second time.”

“Yeah,” you went to stand up, but he moved with you, showing you he would follow you. So, you stayed put. Dear God, Jacob. “I don’t want to live the shit for a second time. Why the hell would I want to do that?“

“Do you want to fucking heal?” He snapped, his eyes searching yours for any sort of bullshit.

You blinked, “Damn,” you began, a sarcastic, irritated smirk on your face when you shook your head. Could he give you a break, maybe? Shit. But, still, you answered him. And his impatient, waiting eyes. Your answer was a no-brainer for you at this point. “Yes, Jake. I want to fucking heal.”

His jaw flexed as he let out a deep breath, through his nose, pinching the bridge of it. “So, please, y/n. . . just listen to me. Hear me out. You don’t have to do it. I just want you to let me explain it first,” he begged, eyes trained on yours, following every flicker of them. The unsureness you communicated through your gaze was balanced by the overwhelming sureness in his. You nodded for him to continue. He reciprocated the action, continuing with a deep breath in and and a deep breath out. “EMDR allows you to heal by letting you be in charge of your healing. You have the power to leave the situation this time. You’re in control of it now. It’s the past. But you have to face it. . . That’s part of it. . . The cool thing is, though. . . you can control whether you stay or leave a memory; you control how you move on from it.”

Well, goddammit. . . Of course he’d know just what to say to get you to finally listen to him.

Control. That single word finally flicked the lightbulb on in your stubborn, jaded head.

You paused heavily in your opposition, taking note of his far too sincere features. Perhaps he truly was just trying to help you, a sentiment that had always felt utterly foreign to you throughout your life. You’d held all of your guards up so high for so indescribably long. It took a lot for you to dare let anyone in aside from your sister (who, if you had to be honest, simply didn’t have a choice being your own flesh and blood. . .And given the fact that she lived it, too).

But the harsh reality of the matter was, you had let Jake in. Too much. If it weren’t for the seriousness of the moment, you could’ve smirked at the irony of just how much– the possible little life in your tummy, a constant reminder in recent times. And, well, you’d definitely let him in enough that he knew you came with some serious trauma.

You watched him carefully, suddenly beginning to realize that the only reason you’d felt so reluctant to heed his guidance with this bizarre form of therapy. The reason you always doubted him– you couldn’t fathom the fact that he truly wanted to help you.

But, time and again he seemed to prove you wrong. Even after you’d bitched him out to kingdom come in the kitchen months ago. There was no reason for him to want to help you. But here he was. With his research, his beautiful and honest eyes, the phone that he gripped with purpose with explanation after explanation, as if a lifeline. . .

He cared. Whether you could accept it or not. . .it didn’t change the fact that he actually cared.

“I’ll go talk to the therapist,” you finally offered, relenting as much as you could at that moment. “I’ll feel it all out after I talk to her about it. . .,” you leveled, feeling fair in that decision.

And he didn’t question, just shook his head with a lip stuck out. “Yeah, yeah. Totally.”

“How do I schedule the appointment?”

-🌼🌼🌼-

The next day was spent making strides towards your future. You scheduled the OBGYN appointment as soon as the clinic opened— being as that was the first, major priority. Setting that up had been simple. A date and time. The insurance you’d be using. Then, you’d hung up.

But, as soon as you’d set that up (and felt utter relief at having that panned out), you called the counseling practice Jake had told you about. And, you set up a therapy session with the woman Jake had given you the name of for the day before your first OB appointment. . .

The counseling appointment was set up for the upcoming Monday. . . For some reason, when you’d been on the phone, scheduling for the nearest date available had seemed like the only logical option. But, it hadn’t been as cut and dry as your scheduling for the doctor’s appointment. There’d been a form. They’d informed you that they would email it for you to fill out with some general information (and a picture) before your first appointment. It was slightly daunting, but not totally unexpected, the more you’d thought about it. It was an understandably reasonable precursor to your first session. Just a few minor things to assist in your therapist knowing the most basic things about you before beginning.

Doing it before the OB appointment had also seemed like a good idea. Talking to someone about the newfound worries to help you wade through the days to seeing the obstetrician. . . It seemed like a good plan of action. Made you feel more peace for the whole situation, honestly.

So, that Friday, as you settled into your seat for a stupid ass writing course, you didn’t even care as you felt like other things were on the move. Honestly, at this point, you wanted to say fuck school and your distaste for the major you’d chosen. . . As they didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of it all. Bigger things were about to start happening.

And you could only hope that what awaited you would be positive. . . Positive bigger things ahead.

Bigger things that looked like real healing and a baby with Jake’s eyes.

-🌼🌼🌼-

The couch was leather and a little cold, even through your leggings. . . and the small office-room smelled like essential oils. It was reminiscent of a spa without the ambience music.

The place didn’t need the music, though. . . the oils and general atmosphere were the perfect, calming mixture. . . Well thought out combination of smells and colors to ease the mind.

But no therapist. Not yet. You’d been led by the secretary into a room where you now sat by yourself. She’d offered tea, coffee, and water, with a large, welcoming smile on her freckled face. You couldn’t refuse the offer, so you’d accepted the option of water.

It had been in a bottle, and you clutched it tightly, opened only for the tiniest sip as you let your body relax as much as it could, leaning the slightest bit back into the couch.

And you continued to wait.

You watched the closed wooden door, your eyes wandering every now and then to the artwork that depicted gardens and fresh flowers. . . Some were beautiful paintings, while others were simple little drawings, or even real flowers, pressed in a glass frame.

The walls were tinged with a light sage—the color, oddly easing to the mind.

Then the knob was twisting open, matching the feeling of your nervous tummy. The muscles at the pit of your stomach flexed and flinched at the prospect of the therapist. What was she going to be like? Would she match the cool, relaxing environment of her office? You could only fucking hope. . .

Looking down at your hands to avoid any awkward eye contact, you took note of how badly you needed a manicure. . . damn.

“Y/n?” A reposeful, gentle voice interrupted your nail critique. You looked up to acknowledge your long-awaited company. . . and man, was she completely different from your last therapist. The first thing you noticed was that she was. . . young. Mid-thirties at the very oldest. She was much younger than your aging counselor from the past. How long had she been doing this? “I’m Gianna. But all of my clients and closest friends call me Gia.”

“Gia,” you tried it out, letting a small smile fit to your face. It was a genuine smile– you were relieved. Without even really knowing her, you already felt so at ease with her. She was one of those people–like Elsie or Josh–who just carried a naturally empathetic, calming air. Made you feel like you were standing in the breeze on a warm spring day. “Nice to meet you.”

Her hair, naturally dark, but dyed beautifully to be a blonde-gray, was up in a styled messy bun. Lips, painted in the most beautiful naturally red tint. . . and the round, wire-framed glasses that sat on the bridge of her nose complimented her soft features so incredibly well. The freckles on her pale face, visible through the circular frames. Her cheeks were tinged with a perfectly rosy blush, and they swelled with your greeting.

She adjusted her loose, beige overalls over her off-white, long-sleeved mock neck. The overalls were the fabric ones that’d gone viral (which helped you to note how incredibly trendy she was, if you hadn’t already been able to guess that). She inhaled and exhaled easily, her lips quirking even more than before. “It’s nice to meet you, y/n,” she repeated back to you. “I’m sorry it took me a bit to make my entrance. I like to give my people some time to adjust to the space before they’re bombarded with all of the therapy stuff. It’s an important thing to me.” Then her leg was being bent to balance her white, platform converse on the seat of her pale pink rolling chair. “Before we begin. . . I also need you to know that my office has a completely open door policy. If, at any moment, you start feeling uncomfortable, please let me know and you may leave to take a break, or simply leave the practice to adjust your thoughts before the next session. Won’t charge you for the whole time or anything. . .,” she added the last part, surely as another financially conscientious adult. “I just know that sometimes this shit gets tough–baring all of it and having to get through it. . . it’s rarely easy, and I want to be able to foster a healthy, resting environment for you as you wade through all of it.”

“Wow,” you blinked, your heart warm in your chest as you let yourself sink a little further into the couch, shoulders loosening just a bit. “That’s amazing. Thank you.”

Winking, she brought the mug up to her lips that she’d carried in with her. After taking a sip, she sat it on her desk and then wrapped both arms around her bent leg. “Is there anything you’d like to know about me and my profession before we begin?”

You pondered that, always having questions swirling in your head. “Just general things,” you snorted, playing it off. “Stupid, basic shit that I don’t need answered.”

“Nothing is stupid in here, sweets,” she said firmly, her eyes communicating more than the words she’d said. “Sometimes misguided and confused, yes, but never stupid.” She used the foot on the ground to swing the chair from side to side, ever-so-slightly. “Sooo, shoot. Ask anything you’d like–basic or not.”

Blinking at her again, you let your grip on your water bottle ease up. “Oh, um,” you quietly began. You scrambled for the right words. “Well, I guess I was wondering how long you’ve been doing this?”

She giggled. “Oh, sure. . . I’ve been practicing for about five years. Administered EMDR for the past two or so. . .” Her cheeks were still rosy with a gentle smile when she spoke next. “I will ask, though. . . did you not check out the website prior to this?”

Fuck. You hadn’t thought to do that. That was strange. . . usually you’d jump at the chance of looking into anything and everything before diving head first into something. Especially something as serious as a life-changing thing like therapy and the person you’d be inevitably baring your soul to. What in the fuck? Why hadn’t you thought to do that?

“I– um,” you searched her eyes, as if they held your answer. “I didn’t. Which is strange for me.”

“It’s not a big deal, really,” she said, grabbing her mug from her desk again. But before taking a sip, she continued. “I just noted on your form that you like having control over the things that transpire in your life. And checking the website to do some solid research seems like just the way to do that.” She took a sip, humming as she took it away from her full lips. “But there’s my thoughts going to crazy places based primarily on black and white principles. And we’re definitely not here to do that,” she shook her body as if shaking it off, putting her leg down and nestling her mug between her hands. “I don’t look at shit in black and white. That’s something that, as your therapist, I need you to know. There’s a lot of healing properties found in the gray.”

You couldn’t explain it, but the last sentence left you feeling this overwhelming sense of hope and understanding. Without even knowing you, she seemed to get the fact that you came with a lot of fuckin’ gray. All kinds of shades of the color. Had you been that transparent on your form? Not able to remember it, you just pushed it to the side as you figured it didn’t really matter. Because even if you had been open on the form, you were about to get much more transparent.

“Thank you,” was all you said, the water bottle held in loose hands as you comfortably crossed your legs. “My life has left me pretty fucking gray, so that’s a relief.”

“There’s beauty in the gray, love,” she noted, leaning forward as if engaging even further in the conversation (as if she wasn’t already remarkably with-it). She held her tea steady in her hands, and you couldn’t help but look down at the mug to see what it looked like. And, of course, it was covered in pale flowers, just like her office. “I’m down for any more questions you may have.”

“Family?”

“Just a fiancé, but other than her, I’m pretty estranged from much more family. Boundaries are a specialty of mine, and I’ve had to set a few in my life,” she said, assured and confident. “No kids yet. We aren’t quite sure if we want them or not.”

You nodded. But, you were not able to hold back the wetness that gathered in your eyes. The tears settled at your ducts and if you blinked, you knew they’d fall. The way you were feeling at the moment was unexplainable. So many things at once. But, most importantly, you were thankful. Thankful for people like Gia. The woman exuded peace and you weren’t sure why you’d ever questioned trying therapy again when there were women like her in this profession.

“Thank you,” you said again, as if you were a manufactured robot. Then you shook your head, embarrassed at your currently tiny vocabulary. “I’m sorry I keep saying that. I’m just grateful there’s people like you in this world.”

Wow. Okay. So we’re getting real honest and sentimental now, huh? A good-humored voice asked you. Here for it.

“That’s very sweet of you,” she said quietly, respecting the new emotions in the room. “Are you ready to tell me a bit about you?”

Letting the tears fall with a blink, you wiped at them with a breathy laugh. She grabbed the nearest tissue box and handed it to you. You wiped under your eyes and dabbed at your cheeks. “Chose to not wear makeup for a reason,” you chuckled, internally thanking past-you. She laughed with you, placing the Kleenex on the couch next to you for proper access, then sat back, balancing her elbows on her thighs as she held her face up with open palms.

“Whenever you’re ready,” she said once you’d settled. “We’ve got the next hour and a half.”

“How much do you wanna know?” You huffed, rolling your eyes as you placed your locked hands over your tummy. “I’m a basket case.”

Her eyes sparkled. “As much as you’re willing to tell me,” she affirmed with a wink behind her glasses. “I’m all ears.”

-🌼🌼🌼-

So, as you left that day, you were absolutely confident in saying Gia knew about as much of your life as Elsie did. And that was saying something.

She’d just been so receptive, and had kept encouraging you– as you cried and laughed and sighed and growled. She kept reminding you that she wanted to ‘hear as much as you’d give her’. That she was ‘in your corner’ and that she was ‘there for you.’ And her words and kind eyes were enough to spur you on. Continue to the point of her knowing nearly everything there was to know about your life.

From your childhood to now, Gia was now totally knowledgeable in the realm of Y/n.

Thankfully, there’d been no EMDR, as she informed you that next session you’d begin talking about the intricacies of the practice and whether or not you wanted to begin with it the session after your next. She wanted to take time to adjust and ‘simply be’ before introducing the innovative method of therapy.

She’d given a couple of tidbits about it, just for you to think about before the next session, but not too much, since the next session was dedicated to her actually breaking it down for you.

“Now, before you leave, I want you to know that we can locate your safe place next time. The place in your mind where you’ll return when you need a breath of fresh air amidst the memories,” she’d offered, hands in her pockets, tea cup abandoned as you stood up alongside her to follow her out of the office. But before you two left the office space, she took the time to assure you once more. “But only if that is what you decide you want. This is your life, sweets, and I’m just here to help you through it.”

And, for the eighty-millionth time that day, you’d told her ‘thank you.’ You were going to take a bit of time to consider it.

She’d also given you a few nuggets of wisdom.

They’d specifically followed the end of your session, when you’d broken down about the unsureness of your pregnancy (but easily applied to the rest of your messy ass life).

One thing she said to do: “Slow down your thoughts. Do not let them take control. Slow them down and figure them out with what you know. Piece by piece, break them down before they get too astronomically crazy.”

Another being: “Let yourself feel peace. Just every once in a while, let yourself feel it and don’t let guilt eat you alive for it.” (When you’d laughed sarcastically, she’d nodded, agreeing that it was “most definitely easier said than done.”)

She had been wonderful at assuring you that it was most definitely a product of your trauma to react so preposterously. How you thought certain decisions and thoughts might give you peace, yet always resulted in the opposite. But, she’d also told you that you’d “figure it out bit by bit” as you move along and to “give yourself grace” as you navigate it all on your own, in your day-to-day life.

But, there was one singular, specific piece of advice she’d offered that was sticking out more than much else.

Of course, you’d filled her in all the way up to your appointment tomorrow and Elsie’s idea for Josh to attend with you. You wanted her opinion on it, asking for as much, and she’d been firm in her opinion. Her words rang in your head as you navigated the late afternoon New York traffic on your way back home.

“Your sister is a genius,” she’d said astonishingly, blowing out a breath from between her naturally full lips. “Everything she said is exactly what I’d tell you, too, sweets. And if it helps to hear this, even as an outside party, Josh sounds like the type of person to receive it in a non-traumatizing manner. He will, most definitely, be sensitive to your feelings. And, having him there will help you feel less alone and calm in your worries. . . and it will help him feel needed–like Elsie said. So, truly, it’s a win-win. If I had my way, I’d make sure Josh is there tomorrow. But, again, it’s your life and it’s up to you.”

“How do I even ask, though?” You asked pathetically, pulling your sleeves down over your hands as you began to get nervous at the prospect.

“Take a deep breath,” she calmly recited (as she’d done a time or two during your life lament). After doing it with you, she settled you with an understanding gaze. “Just text him. Tell him you have an important appointment tomorrow and that you need him there with you.”

“And if he asks what it’s for?”

“I’d say you tell him that you’ll tell him when you see him or when you get there,” she advised. “But, I don’t think he’s the type of person to question when you’re being vulnerable like that. I’d bet you he just agrees to it, no questions asked– if he’s free, that is,” she winked.

So, with her sitting there, you’d texted him and asked exactly what she’d told you to. The thing about having an “important appointment.”

And even though he hadn’t responded, you tried to not overthink it as you calmed down from telling your entire life story to your therapist.

When you’d pulled into the apartment complex, your stomach sank at the sight that greeted you. Your space was awaiting you, but Jake’s, next to yours, was empty. Per usual these days, his new purchase of a used car was not at home at the same time as you. Really, you’d gotten used to his lack of presence. But it always made you sadder than you wanted to admit. Because, well, you knew if he wasn’t at the studio or some rehearsal, he was most likely with Maya (you were awfully glad he didn’t bring her around the apartment too much, but still. . .your mind went crazy at the other prospects of what they were doing).

But today, it was worse. You were sad for more than your assumptions about his whereabouts. Today, you desperately wanted to tell him thank you– wanted to fill him in on how it had gone so great. But he wasn’t there. Because you’d pushed him away (something that Gia told you you’d ‘navigate the reasoning for’).

So, as you trudged up the steps, instead of walking in to tell Jake, you just took time to relax as much as you could. And you figured a good way to do that was to give yourself a long ‘everything shower,’ with your most favorite R&B playlist playing as background noise.

And when you’d gotten out, the screen that you opened your phone to was something that brought a swarm of anxiously joyous butterflies. Under his name, there was a ‘Yes, of course!’ from Josh. And below his text, was a notification for your next appointment with Gia. One week from today.

Everything would be okay. It would. You recited this as you responded to him, deciding to try your best not to think of telling him until you absolutely had to tomorrow, after hitting send with a simple ‘thank you :)’.

You kept reciting that everything would ‘be okay’ as you put a hand to the firm little bump, growing steadily at the bottom of your tummy. And you contemplated as much as you were willing to, without reducing yourself to any more tears (you’d cried enough already for one day). Because now all you were going to be plagued with for the next several hours until your OB appointment was whether there was actually a baby in your growing belly.

You then ate a giant salad (everything else you wanted to eat had made you feel nauseous as hell), as you’d watched Friends. Your thoughts were subdued, but still spiraled a tad. . .though, you took Gia’s advice and tried to slow them down to navigate each one with what you genuinely knew. There was nothing telling you that you weren’t with child besides your own convoluted mess of negative thought. More signs were pointing to that you still were. One piece of truth keeping you going was your growing belly. And even though bellies could still grow after miscarriage or in the case of hysterical pregnancy, the probability of that being your situation was very, very slim. Right?

You knew that.

Before too long, you were standing in front of your vanity, braiding your wet hair and laying down to find rest much easier than many nights in recent times. . . the only thing that kept you up for a bit longer than you wanted was wondering why Jake hadn’t come home yet.

But, again, you knew it was none of your fucking business.

-🌼🌼🌼-

The next afternoon had you waiting outside of your apartment as soon as Josh said he was about five minutes away. Your apartment had started to feel absolutely insufferable, closing in around you as your mind went crazy with scenarios.

The autumn day was lovely, sun shining, but warmer today than it’d been yet this season. With no breeze. And, the lack of breeze was not aiding in your already-sweaty palms, wet with nerves. Or your upset stomach—your current nausea induced by your anxiety more than the (hopeful) baby in your tummy.

Your stomach was fucking rolling as you waited for Josh to pull up to the complex.

Dramatic as it may have sounded, you felt as if you were on the verge of a heatstroke when he eventually showed up in his little car, which was literally squeaking and creaking as it sat still. The exhaust emitted from the back of the car was enough to make you feel like you were actually going to blow chunks, and you instantly decided you could not ride thirty minutes to the clinic in his little hunk of metal.

Sending a quick text, you made up an excuse to take your car. To emphasize the text, you went ahead and started walking to your Jetta, parked in its usual spot.

You, 11:49 p.m.: I need to get gas… Can we take my car?

Josh, 11:50 p.m.: Of course.

Josh, 11:50 p.m.: Are you ready?

You smiled, looking over to where he was still parked in his visitor space. His eyebrows crinkled in concentration to the device in his hand as he watched the screen, waiting for you to respond.

You, 11:51 p.m.: Yes, Joshua. I’m at my car and staring right at you.

As soon as he got the text, you waited for what you knew was coming. He looked up from his phone, through his windshield, and at you with a giant grin painted across his features. It didn’t take him long to get out of his car, lightly jogging as he came over to you.

“You creep,” he smiled, slightly out of breath. “Peeking through my windows.”

You rolled your eyes, but your stomach started aching, yet again, at the prospect of what you were about to tell him. Honestly, at this point, you were just ready to get it over. The longer you kept it to yourself, the more you were worrying about it and his possible reaction. And the sooner you could just tell him, you’d see his honest, real reaction. . . and then you could deal with the rest from there.

It also helped that his girlfriend and your certified therapist thought that it would go okay. They were the practical thinkers in this situation, whereas you were an overthinker to the highest degree. And, if you could just get it out–just fucking tell him–you could (hopefully) validate their predictions of how the situation would play out.

“Am I driving or are you?” He asked, bringing your thoughts back to the present.

To current Josh. Josh who didn’t know anything yet. Completely ignorant Josh. . . fuck. The last moments of keeping him in the dark.

“You,” was all you said before you unlocked the car and made your way to the passenger side. Once you were both inside, you handed him the keys as he started the engine.

Your stomach fucking dropped as he backed out of the space. . . what was about to come out would literally change you and Josh forever.

Would it be for good? Would it be for bad? If he was going to be mad at you, how long would he stay that way?

You couldn’t be upset with him if he got angry. For everything. Like distracting Jake when Josh had specifically told you he didn’t want that for his twin. Or for simply keeping this giant ass secret from him about it all. The more you thought about it, you thought that perhaps the reason you were so scared was because of how completely validated he would be if he did end up being pissed as hell with you. . .

But. . . you just couldn’t stand losing him. Especially at such a time as this. . . you needed him.

And that’s why you just needed to fucking tell him. It was inevitable for him to find out, and the sooner it was out, the sooner you weren’t lying to him anymore. Because that’s exactly what you’d been doing. You’d been fucking lying. For months. To your best friend.

“So,” he began, excited–the complete opposite of how you were feeling. “Where are we going?”

Plugging your phone into the CarPlay, you turned off Siri’s voice before you did anything since you didn’t want her blurting out your destination before you were ready to tell him. Once she was silenced, you pulled up the directions to the clinic you’d carefully chosen.

You sat back slowly after entering it, your stomach spinning as your thoughts went insane and your nerves continued to set on white-hot fire.

You spared a glance over at him through your lashes to see him looking out the corner of his eye at you, coming up to a stoplight. The look he was giving you made you sure that your face was morphed to show utter terror and worry. “What’s wrong, mama?”

Fuck. You turned to face the front again and squeezed your eyes shut at the nickname, bringing two clenched, sweaty fists up to your eyes as your skin began to feel like it was quite actually peeling off of you in nervous jitters. Your eyes couldn’t stand being squeezed shut any longer as you felt the tears forming behind your lids.

He continued driving, but with the occasional nervous glance in your direction.

Then, he laid a comforting palm on your shoulder, his thumb soothing circles over your arm.

And, once he’d done that, it was no longer in your control to keep the tears at bay. You tried to fight them back, but it was to no avail.

So, there you were, face becoming drenched in tears as you couldn’t stop sputtering little sobs.

In your peripheral, you saw Josh looking at you as he came to one last light before the highway, face surely painted with distress. “Y/n?” He checked, careful and concerned. “I’m sorry if I said some–.”

And what came out of your mouth next was not at all expected. But, it blurted through your lips with zero fucking warning. You did not know which part of your brain had decided to communicate with your mouth to say it.

“I’m pregnant,” you sobbed.

The car lurched to a stop, cars honking furiously behind you at Josh’s abrupt action. Your stomach, already thick with nerves, couldn’t handle it. You quickly slapped an open palm over your mouth to conceal any projectile vomiting. Thankfully none came, but you had to clench your eyes shut once again as Josh made a wide, sloppy U-turn off of the street that was leading to the highway.

And when he’d finally come to a stop again, you opened your eyes to see he’d pulled the car over into the nearest McDonald’s.

Focusing too hard on trying not to vomit helped you to stop the outrageous weeping for a few minutes. You finally peeled the hand from your mouth as you took several deep breaths, in and out, to calm yourself and your stomach.

Before you even knew what was happening, Josh was getting out, running to the door of the establishment. You watched in the mirror to your right as he simultaneously got his wallet out of his back pocket.

Choosing not to worry about it, you shut your eyes once more to ease your tummy. But it did not help and you felt the puke coming in just enough time to unlock your door, open it, and puke all over a piece of the yellow line that boxed the car into its space.

You groaned as you leaned back up into the car and into your seat, letting your hair fall from the impromptu ponytail that you were holding at the back of your neck. Popping open the glovebox, you grabbed a few napkins to wipe your face (these days, between the incessant crying and vomiting, you were fucking constantly thanking God for the years-accumulated collection).

And then the driver’s side door was opening once more, this time Josh’s khakis making the first appearance as he climbed back in. He had two cups, one balanced between his bicep, clad in a white, long-sleeved tee and his chest and one in his hand. He quickly placed both in the center cup holders and popped a straw in each.

Your brows lifted, wondering. “What did you–?”

“Sprite,” he pointed to the one at the front. “And water,” the one in the second holder.

“How did you–?”

“There’s a part of my brain permanently cemented with what it was like to watch my mom be pregnant with Sammy,” he explained, eyes soft with a smile gracing his handsome features. “I was too young to remember watching her pregnancy with Ron, but Sammy. . . he’s always been tough–even in the fuckin’ womb.”

You gave a small giggle, stomach spinning when your hand went to grab the Sprite. The carbonation sounded perfect, and Sprite had been a go-to in a few cases of your recent nausea.

The cool drink had been just what you’d needed, sighing as soon as you brought the straw away from your lips with the first sip. You kept it clutched in your hands as a lifeline when you looked at Josh next, eyes wet. “Thank you, Joshy,” you croaked, tone exuding gratefulness.

“Yeah, always,” he affirmed, his eyebrows dipped in. The next few minutes were spent in silence, your thoughts finally quieted a little with the initial confession to him. You took a few quiet sips of your drink, the sound of you swallowing the loudest sound in the small car.

Knowing he most likely wasn’t wanting to pressure you to talk, you took the initiative. “I–I’m sorry for not– I’m–,” you choked, shaking your head. The tears were beginning to gather once fucking more. Yet, even with eyes wet and throat tight, you persevered. You had to get the rest of it said before you continued to the appointment–you were going to be late if you didn’t get going soon. And you weren’t about to tell him the rest afterwards. “I have to tell you the rest.”

His jaw clenched in preparation for it as he nodded, his body turning to better face you for what was left. “Lay it on me.”

You gulped, mimicking his movement so you could see him better. Your throat was so tight it nearly suffocated you with nerves. “The–the father,” you started, looking into the eyes that looked so eerily similar to his brother’s. Very much like the ones you hoped your baby would wind up having–yet, not entirely the same. “Do you want to know?”

Of course you’ll want to, you thought at your ridiculous question. And I’m going to tell you anyway, but I’m stalling like a pussy.

His lips quirked, but only the slightest, tiniest bit. “Only if you want to tell me.”

I have to.

“I–I do,” you said, your eyes darting down to your hands which wrung at your waist, itching to touch your tummy. So, you did, settling them on the small bump. And instantly, you felt better. You were beginning to find it slightly crazy what one simple touch could do.

Choosing to watch your hands lace at your tummy instead of him, you took the last jump with two words. “It’s Jake.”

-🌼🌼🌼-

a/n: i promise you won't be waiting a month for Josh's reaction ;) see you very, very soon <3

ty for being the best readers in the world and pleaseee never hesitate to send in your wonderful thoughts!

Fill this form out if you'd like to join my taglist! <3 (i am slowly but surely adding these users to the taglist! :) life is busy as hell and i haven't been updating my doc w the tags like i should :/)

& as usual, it wouldn’t let me tag some of y’all. :( so please check to see that you’re down there because if you’ve asked to be on the taglist, i tried to tag you. buuuut tumblr wouldn’t let me do it for everyone 🙃 ugh. and if i somehow forgot to tag someone, please also let me know that! (i'm a NOOB and i have terrible memory)

Taglist: @joshym, @gretavanfleetposts, @alyson814, @fretaganvleet, @lallisonl, @writingcold, @gvfpal, @twinszka, @jessicafg03, @reesetrippingthelight, @sacredjake, @laurenlovesgretavanfleet, @gretavangroove, @222headedcalf, @dreamssingold, @carbondancingthroughtime, @raviolilegs, @way-to-go-lad, @jakekiszkasmommy, @katgvf, @objectsinspvce, @jaketlover, @vanfleeter, @thetroublegetssoloud, @seditabets, @jakekiszkapunchmeintheface, @jaketlove, @ohgodthefeeling-gvf, @starcatcher-jake, @anythingforjtk, @lucimoo, @indigostreakmorgan, @gretavanbear, @katelynn-gvf, @alwaysonthemend, @aintthatapity, @bowievanfleet, @fwzco, @takenbythemadness, @cherry-icecreamsmile, @laneygvf, @hi-hi-hello11, @sinarainbows, @jakesbarbarian, @mybussyinchrist, @becinabubblegvf, @heckingfrick, @danigvf, @pinkandsleepy1934, @derrangeddumpsterfire, @klarxtr, @josh-iamyour-mama, @abby-gvf, @cassyface, @gretavansabotage, @torniturntomyarrow, @joshsbonnet, @llrosee, @starshine-gvf, @itsafullmoon , @gvfmarge, @creadliz98, @mackalah, @lek-gvf, @carlyfleet, @profitofthedune, @mefiorini, @welllauragvf, @highway-tuna, @dont-go-home-without-me, @sarah-gvf01, @polemicandcontent, @ageofbajabule

#jake kiszka x reader #jake kiszka fic #jake kiszka smut #jake kiszka fanfic #greta van fleet fic #greta van fleet fanfic #jake fic #jake kiszka #covet #my fics

141 notes · View notes

barefoot-inthewildestwinter · 5 months ago

Text

Make your tea and your toast (part 1)

A/N: This is my first fic ever and also I am new to Criminal Minds as well! I'll work on this story for awhile and I will update warnings at the beginning of each chapter :) I hope to maybe start writing one-shots based on something like taylor swift songs!

Title: Make your tea and your toast

Summary: If he played his cards close to his chest, she never picked hers up. Emily's past slowly catches up to her and he realizes just how little he knows about her.

Word count: 3.7k

Ratings: Mature, eventually

Warnings: Mentions of child abuse, SA, abortion, pregnancy and teen pregnancy, and violence.

January 2007

Nevada

He caught a glimpse of her in the rear-view mirror. Her chin was digging into the pale, bony wrist resting against the car door. She had rolled the window down, allowing rural air to fill the empty space. They were stopped at a light. She was staring straight ahead. Eyes fixed on the skyline and the moon glowing back onto them. Most of her hair was still tucked back in a distressed ponytail. Wild brown strands blew around her face, doing their best to cover her expressions. He spent a breath trying to decipher the faint wrinkles across her face. Her nose slightly scrunched, lips pressed together, brow unfurrowed. She didn’t appear sad, or mad, just… disappointed. A fair position to take, he would concede. They had let Frank go. They had handed him Jane. Maybe they would have found the school children on their own. Their safety had been used to justify his release, it had been the right call. He was sure of it, or at least he was sure enough. They had to let Frank go. He was certain she would challenge this if he brought it up. Not to argue that it was the wrong call, but to question why it had been the right one, why it had to be the only choice.

It had been a silent drive, with Morgan tuned into the radio for updates on basketball games, occasionally commenting on the Bulls- a playful attempt to get a rise out of him. Prentiss had been nonverbal well before she climbed into the back seat. Passively nodding at the suggestion that the team head back to the hotel before venturing out for dinner. Sulking behind him closely and waiting for the side door to unlock, pulling the handle after every beep. Though she was new to the team, she had always returned to her supportive, outgoing state fairly soon after a case, shelving the unfaltering, driven Agent Prentiss, FBI until the next call. It was unusual for her to not press them to pick a restaurant to meet at, or to not offer to buy them drinks at some bar, or to brush past Morgan and Reid to get into his SUV. He may have paid it more attention if her actions had been inconsistent with the group's energy. He didn’t see himself starting a conversation with either of them, and that was okay.

Morgan looked up from the console to paw at his phone. “Garcia, baby. Please tell me you are up to no good tonight.” On the other end, Garcia’s words were incoherent to him. Given the nature of their conversations in the office, he thinks that maybe he should count his blessings. “No, no. We’re almost back to the motel. We’re getting dinner later. Not my choice.” Staring at the road ahead, he catches snippets of Morgan’s conversation. “...Hotch and Prentiss. Reid went with Gideon in the other car. You know we couldn’t have Reid up in here killing the mood… Babygirl, you should just be glad that we are nowhere near Vegas.” He does hear Garcia comment on how lonely it is to never be there for the team dinners when they are away. “Alright, sugar, get to bed at a reasonable hour. Yeah, yeah, I’ll tell them. Goodnight, princess. I love you too.”

Jack, he winced. When he got back to his room, he would have to call Jack and Haley. He eyed the clock. 7:48. It was past 9:30 for them. Jack would be asleep, and Haley may very well be too. That was probably for the best. He would leave another voicemail, a preemptive ‘Good morning,’ an apology for missing another ‘Goodnight,’ and a reminder to her to lock the doors before bed. At least this way, the message would be uninterrupted by his wife’s frustration. Something he couldn’t fault her for, but he didn’t have the energy to apologize for tonight.

He found trouble justifying his actions to Haley, particularly while trying to keep her and Jack far from this world. He did everything in his power to make sure that they would never have to see a frame of what he saw, and he prayed that they would never be pulled into a case. He hoped to rid the country of as much danger as possible so that they could live freely, without worry of things he could not help but picture any time they left the house. He also understood what his absence meant to Haley. How much she had to do on her own, not just with Jack. He had made sure to pick up the lion’s share of the work when he was home, cooking, cleaning, chores. He knew it wouldn’t always be enough. That’s why when she suggested that they have another baby, he was a little taken aback. He knows that he shouldn’t have been. Jack is over a year old now, Haley is 35, and he has loved her for almost two decades. Yet, he couldn’t help but feel strange about it. They surely couldn’t bring another child into their house and go back to fighting over his work. Her position wouldn’t change if they had two kids, and he’s not sure that he can give her what she needs. Not after this case. Besides, she had only brought it up twice since then, and it hadn’t taken them long to get pregnant with Jack. He tries to push the thought of Frank out of his mind, separating his home life from his current one.

He finds his gaze drifting back to Prentiss in the mirror again. She’s still stuck on the same thought. This time he notices more of her. Her necklace, her eyelashes, her vest still on. That cannot be comfortable. He lets out a small smile. Her fingers lightly pressed a tune into the leather seat. As their SUV pulled into the hotel, Hotch found himself pleased by the trust that had been forged between Prentiss and himself since she had joined the team a few months ago. It wasn’t unusual, and it certainly wasn’t anything much, but it was progress. For a moment, he feels awful for his treatment of her during her first cases in the unit. He knows she caught tension from almost everyone on the team. Gideon fed off of his distrust, his claim that she had arrived in his office due to anything other than her merits. Morgan, suspicious of anyone joining the BAU, and Reid, following their example. Even JJ had feigned contempt for Prentiss for a week or so. Someone new, so soon after Elle’s departure, they had reason to take pause, but not to completely ice her out. Really, he is grateful for her staying with the team after that. And she had been useful. More so than he expected her to be. She was fluent in over five languages. She was an excellent shot, a quick thinker, and her dedication to the case was unmatched. It was as if any personal hang ups or feelings were controlled by a switch that she could turn off in a blink. This didn’t stop her from being a constant source of support. She was always ready to empathize with the team, the families, or the unsubs, like it was second nature to her. She was able to gain trust effortlessly. He’d like to believe that his trust took some effort.

His amusement quickly shriveled when it met with the heaviness of the warm air. After separate car rides, Reid and Morgan immediately revived their bickering about dinner plans. By the time they finally compromise on a place, with encouragement from Hotch, the last shreds of comradery are taut. Gideon will just go back to his room, he says, citing exhaustion. Hotch collects his takeout order while walking towards the fire escape. Prentiss nods, “I’m just going to go back to my room, as well. Long day.” Reid frowns at this, but doesn’t say anything back. “Stay out of trouble boys.” She winks at him. It was at them really, but he feels it burn on his skin.

He’s back in the driver’s seat when Morgan asks if there is something they can get to bring her back. Hotch catches her head shaking in the rear view mirror once more, watching her stumble off into the distance. He knows that she’s being withholding, but after the day they have had, he knows better than to probe that right now.

Reid climbs into her empty seat in the back. “It smells weird in here.” He says, loudly taking deep breaths through his nose. Morgan turns to look at him, “It’s called perfume, Reid. If you ever got within six feet of a girl, you might know that, genius.” Morgan slides his thumb across his nose. Reid pouts in response, “Well, now I don’t want to go.” “Too late, you picked the restaurant, you don’t get to bail on us now.” They fight like children for miles. “I can still make both of you get out and walk.” That pacifies them for the rest of the ride.

Dinner was more pleasant than he predicted. It seemed that they all had needed some food in their system to treat hypoglycemic angst. Talking and laughing about nothing, teaching Reid to throw darts. Hotch couldn’t remember feeling so light after a case like this, even though it was momentary. On the way back, Morgan joins Reid in the back, allowing him to rest his head on his shoulder and doze off. Oh, god, he thought. I already have two kids. They brought Gideon’s meal and some extra boxes to offer Prentiss. He parks the car, grabbing the takeout in one arm. Morgan startles awake, distancing himself before hopping out. “Want me to carry you?” He extends his hand to Reid, who takes offense and climbs out of the other side door. “Hey Hotch, are you doing bed checks tonight?” His laugh is sincere. “No, but Gideon will do a head count at 1.” He lets them go on ahead, saying their goodnights before they split off. “Garcia loves you!” He hears Morgan call down the veranda. Gideon takes his food with a brief thank you and a goodnight. Hotch can see the files strewn in the background, all of the lamps giving the room an amber hue. “For Prentiss?” he points to the remaining boxes. Hotch nods. “Did she say anything to you?” Gideon says no, she had taken the stairs and hadn’t left her room since they got back, to his knowledge, but he wasn’t tracking her. “Everything okay with her?” He just sighs. “Is anything ever okay with us?” Knowing that Gideon would be wanting to get back to his paperwork now, he leaves quickly.

He passes a few doors before stopping at hers. He can hear her on the other side, footsteps pacing the length of the room. Without thinking, he grabs the handle. He raises his hand to knock, catching the time on his wrist. 11:18. He hears the footsteps stop instantly and she slowly moves closer to the door. Realizing what he has done, he clears his throat. “Prentiss, it’s Hotch.” There’s a deep, shaky breath, and then the chain slides off.

“You’d think a supervisory federal agent would know how to knock on a door without acting like a creep.” She moves into the doorway. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t … uh, I wasn’t thinking.” He stumbles across his sentence, scanning her appearance. She’d traded the vest and slacks for a pair of black athletic shorts and a well loved Yale sweatshirt. “We brought you back some food. I know you said you weren’t hungry, but it’s been a long day and I don’t recall you joining us for breakfast.” She looks up at him. She’s shorter without heels on, he thinks. “It’s just a salad and some fries. Morgan seemed to think that would be okay.” She beams back at him. Her face is bare, and yet her wide eyes are still decorated with long, thick lashes. She is smiling big, which causes his lips to concede a smirk. “Oh, this is great. Thank you.” The light catches the wet black hair clinging to her neck, revealing wet marks at the top of her sweater. “I’m sorry, I’ll leave you be. Goodnight.” He goes to turn when he sees her shiver and fixate her gaze at his feet. He feels all of the concern he’s had for her all day rush to churn in his stomach. “Prentiss? I’m in the next room, if you need anything.” He pauses to make sure she detects the earnestness in his words. She looks back up at him, meeting his stare. “I know. Goodnight Hotch.” She closes the door behind him, leaving him alone in the cold air. When he falls back into his bed, it’s 11:30. This will definitely be a voicemail.

He keeps his message short and sweet. He’ll call them in the morning, before wheels up. It’s more of a pacifier for himself than a promise to them. The pacing continues in the distance, it becomes louder the more he concentrates on it. After a while, he finds it soothing enough to drift off to.

Hotch is awake again when he hears the door slam. Someone outside scurries along the corridor until they reach his room. He sees her through the hole in the door. Her arms wrapped around herself, she bites a nail and then her lower lip. She’s trying to work up the strength to knock, to ask for him. 3:30. He sighs and groggily throws his brown pullover on and opens the door to nothing but the chill. Confused, he shuts the door and tries to wander after her.

“Prentiss. Prentiss?” It comes out as more of a hiss as he creeps along the walkway. “Prentiss?” He finds her sitting on the steps of the fire escape, her bare knees buried into her chest. He calls after her once more, making himself known. “Prentiss, it’s Hotch.” She looks up, nodding her nose to the empty space next to her. He understands and sits down. “Hey,” he offers. She doesn’t turn to face him. “We made the right call today. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but we didn’t have a choice.”

“But how can you know that?” She shoots back, regret pouring in immediately. Her next words sound shaky. “I know we got the children back, I know that.” Her head lifts out of her hands. “But Jane is a person. She’s a victim. She’s his victim, we literally handed her to him and let them ride off into the sunset.” Her voice strained. “I know.” “Anything that happens to her, anything that Frank does to anyone, is on us.” His hand grazes her thigh as he readjusts his leg.

“When I was a prosecutor, one of the worst feelings was when really bad people walked free because they received more compassion and leniency from the system than their victims. When we fail, we fail victims. We give them no closure, no justice, we tell them that all of their suffering is unimportant. We give them reason to doubt the people that are supposed to help them.” Emily asks how long he practiced as a prosecutor. He replies, a couple of years, after law school. Mostly criminal cases, sexual assault, homicide, child abuse. He never felt like he was doing enough, he was always too late, it nearly destroyed him.

“Why do we fail them though? Sure, sometimes it’s inevitable. But we fail too often.” He is a bit surprised by the raw emotion in her rambling. “We can’t protect everyone, sometimes we fail to uncover the truth until it's too late.” He searches her eyes for hints of what specifically is eating at her. “Do you think it’s a failure due to inability or inconvenience?” He ponders her question for a moment. “What do you mean?” She laughs once. “I mean, if we see the truth and we find it to be inconvenient. We don’t like the way it looks, what stops us from just ignoring it altogether?” He shoots her a look that says, ‘We aren’t the bad guys.’ “Maybe not. But we just as well could be.” She shifts her weight, sitting up straighter.

“Just look at what happened in Chicago. A man was allowed to abuse and murder little boys for decades and no one batted an eye because ‘He was a pillar of the community, an outstanding man.’ And as if that wasn’t enough, they went after Derek with almost no thought. They saw what they wanted to and ignored what they didn’t. It didn’t matter who got hurt.” He places his hand on the middle of her back. Thumb on her spine, his fingers stay just below her shoulder blade. An awkward attempt to comfort her. She exhales deeply but doesn’t jerk away. He thinks back to a few weeks ago, when he had caught her looking out for Morgan on the trip home from Chicago. Giving him space from a calculated distance, bringing him tea and a new book for the plane, offering to buy him a drink when they got home. He didn’t think much of it then. Just Prentiss being Prentiss, offering comfort and exuding resilience to the team after a particularly brutal case. Now, he wonders if there was meaning behind her actions deeper than a desire to be accepted by them.

She’s staring, fixated on his lips now. He spots a paper cup clutched in her left hand. “It’s just water,” she says. “Not that I couldn’t use a drink right about now.” Her wide eyes pout playfully at him, make me a drink. She lifts the cup, tilting it towards him, he declines. Prentiss cracks a smile, turning her head to face the neon motel sign. “It’s past 4:00, did you get any rest?” She bites her lower lip again. “Yeah, some.” It’s a lie, he can hear the exhaustion in her throat. He glares at her. “Fine, no, not really. I usually don’t though.” He frowns, “When do you sleep?” Her answer baffles him. She tells him that if she sleeps, it’s from 2:00 to 5:00 am, but that she naps often on the jet. He lets out a breath but it comes out as a shaky laugh. “If?” He’s looking at her with pity. His hand is resting on the step behind her back now. His words spill out softly, “Oh, Emily. That’s no good.” As soon as he says it, awkwardness fills the air. He rarely says her first name alone, he hasn’t felt close enough to her to use it. He holds his breath waiting for her to say something. Thankfully for him, she brushes right past it, setting her hand on his knee. “Oh, believe me, I’m aware.” He doesn’t move, his focus centered on her face, composed and unfazed. “Prentiss, do you ever get nightmares?”

“Don’t we all?” She tucks a strand of loose hair behind her ear, revealing a pearl earring. “Occupational hazard.” In her periphery, she can see his face teem with concern. Through teeth, she forces her next words out. “All the time, sir. Sometimes even before I fall asleep.”

“Tonight?” he asks, lowering his voice to a whisper, she nods. “It’s okay to have them, you know. There’s nothing wrong with you. We see and think about things that no one should ever have to witness. We put ourselves in danger nearly every day. It would be concerning if it didn’t get to you.” Her grip on his knee tightens. “The important thing to know is that you’re not alone in this. You are safe tonight. I’m here, Morgan is here, Gideon and Reid are here.” She turns her face into her shoulder for a second and he swears he hears her sniffle. “I’m perfectly capable of defending myself, Hotch.”

“I know that you are. I’m just saying that you don't have to be. Whether or not you believe me, you’re a member of this team, not a supporter.” The breeze splashes their skin. It feels nice, sobering them up. “I bet that you’re a really good dad, Hotch. That was nice. Are you going to read me a bedtime story now?” He fails to fend off the smirk from his face. “No, but I will walk you back to your room, wheels up in 90.” She groans as they rise, pulling the hood of her sweatshirt over her head. “This is a good look on you.” Her cheeks match the rosiness of her nose as she studies the lines on his face. “Well honestly, Hotch, I would have put money on you not owning a pair of sweats.”

She expects him to wait at the door, to make sure she hasn't locked herself out. But to her surprise he comes in, watches as she slips her boots off and flings them across the room before falling onto the bed. When she's safely under a blanket, he turns out the light. He hears a muffled thank you followed by more tired ramblings as he’s drawn back to the moonlight. “Hotch?” His hand clutches the lock, “Yes?” “It’s okay if you call me Emily, anytime you want.”

Shutting the door, he smiles to himself. Talking to her had felt so easy, even so, he was still intrigued by her. Between his evening with Reid and Morgan and his twilight conversation with Prentiss, he found himself much lighter. Though they would all carry this loss with them until they crossed paths with Frank again, for now, he felt peace. Something he rarely let himself feel while at work. He really needed to go to bed.

“Goodnight, Emily.”

#hotchniss #criminal minds #emily prentiss #aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner x emily prentiss #hotch x prentiss #hotch x emily #hotchniss fanfic #hotchniss fanfiction

25 notes · View notes

janicho88 · 1 year ago

Text

When It All Falls Apart - Chapter 9

Pairing- ex!Jensen x Padalecki Reader

Word count- 5,300

Warnings- Some language. Dealing with a breakup. Sad reader. Angst, If I missed something let me know!

A/N- Back at a convention we go. Someone lets the cat out of the bag here with the breakup. A little off canon, SPN ended after 10 years. We still got all the characters in during that time though. Thank you to @writercole and @leigh70 for your help with this. You two are amazing!!

Summary-Y/N Padalecki loved acting on Supernatural. Working alongside your older brother and your boyfriend, but after ten seasons the guys have chosen to hang up the guns. Now the three of you are moving on to other projects, but that’s all that needs to change right? While you have moved to Austin to be closer to your family and boyfriend, Jensen is working elsewhere. Distance is only the start of your troubles.

Series Masterlist

Turns out you really didn’t have a lot of time to think things over once you returned home. Jared was at the studio, and Gen had her hands full with a wild child and a smelly dog. You leave her with Tom and take Sadie outside for a bath. When you come back inside Tom wants you to play with him.

Jared comes home with your script for the first episode, they had to rework a few things for it. Before bed you spend some time reading it over and making notes for yourself.

When you wake up and go down to a late breakfast on Thursday, Gen starts asking about your flight.

“What flight?”

“Aren’t you flying out today, so you can be there all day tomorrow?”

“What are you…OH CRAP THE CONVENTION!”

Jared comes back from his run just as you finish yelling. “What happened?” he asks, looking between you and his wife before you are dashing from the room.

“I think she forgot it was convention weekend, and that she is supposed to leave today,” Gen tells her husband.

“Got it.”

After a quick shower you are running around your room picking out clothes. Someone knocks and you holler at them to come in. Gen walks in looking at the clothes thrown on the bed and the open bathroom bag on the dresser.

“Do you have anything around for this weekend yet?”

“Um, no. Do you remember ever seeing con pictures of me in this top?” you ask her, holding up a black dress shirt.

“Yes, but only because there is a picture of us together, I have.”

“Crap.” Throwing that in the no pile you move back to the closet.

“What time is your flight?”

“4:15, should probably leave here around 1:30. Which is oh, about two hours away now,” you reply with a grimace.

“What can I do to help?” she asks.

“My bathroom travel things are in the bathroom cabinet. I hope. I don’t know why I unpacked that stuff. Could you throw it in the travel bag please? There should be hair crap, body wash, face cream, lotion. Whatever makeup is on the counter. Oh and toothbrush and paste. Will definitely need those, no one wants to get close to the girl with morning breath.”

Finally figuring out 2 outfits for the days you are there, and one for karaoke, you run out to the pool building to grab your swimsuit. You never know if you will have time for a swim, but you would rather have it with you and not use it than leave it at home and have free time. Throwing in some workout clothes and pajamas you are finally good to go. You pack your carryon bag with your wallet, computer, headphones, a book and some snacks.

Thirty minutes later your bags are sitting by the bedroom door. “Okay, I think I’m good to go.”

“Only a small tornado left in your wake.”

Raising an eyebrow you look at Gen, not sure what she means. She points her finger around your room and you look with a groan. You currently have more clothes on the bed and floor than are likely in the closet.

“I’ll help you pick ‘em up.”

Half an hour later the room is back together and you won’t have to worry about it when you get home Saturday night.

“Gen, I ever told you you are a lifesaver?” You ask your sister-in-law as you walk out of your room.

“Eh, it’s been awhile,” she jokes with you. “But I’m happy to help.”

Taking your things downstairs, you find Tom and Jared on the living room floor building with legos.

“Aunt Y/N, wanna build with us?”

“I can for a few minutes.”

“Are you leaving again?”

“Yeah, I’m off to Orlando, Florida this time.”

“Where’s that?”

“East of here,” he just looks at you, “not that that means anything to you.”

He turns to his dad, “are you leaving too?”

“Saturday morning bud. That’s in two days, and I’ll be gone for two days.”

“You’re flying out in the morning?” you question.

“Yeah, figured I’d come a little earlier. They moved some of our stuff around to get more in on Saturday since you won’t be there Sunday.”

“Oh, thanks for doing that. Sorry you had to.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

After spending a few minutes building a Lego town, you all break for lunch before Jared drives you to the airport. He tells you to have a safe trip and gives you a hug before getting back in the car and taking off.

Once you clear check-in and security, you walk around the familiar space, before sitting down and pulling out your book. It’s finally time to board and you are ready for takeoff. You’re a little nervous about how this weekend is going to go, and the sooner it’s over with the better.

After collecting your luggage at the Orlando airport, you look around for Mike and finally see him hurrying through the doors. You wave at him to get his attention, he slows a little but is still moving quickly.

“Sorry, traffic was a lot worse than I thought it would be.”

“It’s no problem, I just got my bag. How are you doing?”

“I’m good, thanks. How about you?”

“I’m fine.”

The trip to the hotel took longer than usual also. Mike was right about the current traffic. While the convention and most of the guests were staying at the Doubletree Hotel, they had the cast at Embassy suites. It was a few minutes away, but not too bad.

Mike had your hotel key with him, and asked if there was anywhere you needed him to stop before dropping you off. You told him no, and he went right to the hotel.

You found your way up to the room without any problem. It’s close to 9, and your stomach is grumbling. You head down to the cafe in the hotel before it closes to grab something for dinner. The dining area is in the middle of the main floor.

Looking up you can see the walkways on every floor around it. Instead of sitting at the bar, you grab a table off to the side. While you are picking at your sandwich, two hands clamp down on your shoulders and whisper “gotcha.”

You can’t help but scream out.

“Oh shit, way to go Bri,” Kim says as she sits down across from you.

You hold up your hand and repeat, “sorry, sorry,” to those still dining around you. At least this late there aren’t too many people around.

Briana sits down next to you and picks a fry out of your half eaten basket, “sorry about that.”

“It’s fine, I didn’t even see you two walk in.” You look at the pajamas they’re wearing, “how was the pj party?”

“It was good. Lots of fun, like usual,” Kim tells you.

“Yeah, I get alcohol in there now, it’s fuckin great,” Bri agrees.

“So what are you doing here so early?” Kim asks.

“I had to change my schedule around because I can’t stay on Sunday.”

“Oh something exciting going on? Has to be to pull you away from Jay,” Briana questions.

“Not really exciting, I just have to leave Saturday.”

The girls look at each other, then back at you. “You aren’t telling us something. We’ll let it go for now, but we will get it out of you,” Kim says in her best Carrie Martin voice.

“Okay, mom.”

Thankfully, they change the subject and talk about what has been going on with themselves the last few weeks. You are pretty vague when it comes to yourself. Before long, you are all calling it a night and heading up to your respective rooms.

The beeping of your alarm wakes you Friday morning, with a groan you get up to start your day. It’s early enough, you can make your way to the second floor where the outdoor pool is located. Hopefully a few laps will help you wake up. Back in the room you go through your morning routine of making yourself presentable for all the photo ops you will have. Your cell notifies you of an incoming text, letting you know Mike is on his way.

He drops you off at the convention hotel, at one of the back entrances. Chelsea is waiting for you at the door.

“Hey!” you greet her with a hug before moving inside. “Nice to see you again.” You never know who your handler will be until you arrive at the conventions. You work with Chelsea a lot, but it’s not uncommon to have one of the other girls. As long as it’s not Victoria, you’re good.

She hands you a coffee and starts going over your schedule on the way to the green room. First up on the schedule is a 10 am Meet and Greet (M&G). She leads you down when it gets closer and takes her seat in the corner as you greet the fans and answer the questions.

As that half an hour winds down, Adam Fergus comes in the side door. “Someone’s got an early start to her day. I don’t usually see you around this early.”

“Yeah, my schedule is a little off this weekend. I’m guessing if you’re here then our time is up.” With a frown you turn to the group of fans. “I had a lot of fun with you all, thank you.”

You wave to them as everyone gets up and they are being led to the exit. Walking over to Adam you give him a hug in greeting, you don’t have time to catch up because his M&G group is being brought in.

Back in the green room they have some pictures for you to sign. You hear DJ Qualls take the stage for the first panel. Julian Richings, has the second. He doesn’t make it to many conventions, so it is always nice to see him. You mentally make a note that you want to get a picture with him before he leaves.

You have various photo ops, and a panel with Kim and Briana later in the afternoon. After the day programing wraps up, a good two hours of autographs. It’s a little after 6, by the time you are finished. Bri and Kim are already done, Adam and David are also finishing up, everyone else is gone. A group text had gone out earlier about ordering dinner to be delivered to the hotel tonight. As the three of you get in the car to go back to the hotel, Bri lets you all know it’s on the way now and there are some tables by the pool where you can all eat.

Arriving back at the hotel, the three of you all head to your rooms to change before meeting them for dinner. You throw your suit on under your clothes, and head to the outdoor pool area.

Rich is still at the convention center for Dick chat, but you, Kim, Bri, David, Adam, DJ, Julian and Sam Smith are all back at the hotel. Conversation flows a little more freely when there isn’t anyone else around. They do have some questions about Jensen and his new suit you have to field.

“Did you get to see him in that suit when you were in Toronto?” Kim asks.

“What she really wants to know is, did you get to do him in that suit?” Bri interjects, and the guys all groan.

“No, I never made it to set, they keep things pretty tight up there,” you tell them.

“Yeah they do. Suit couldn’t have been much tighter.”

“Not what I meant Bri.”

“Has he told you any behind the scenes secrets?” Sam asks.

“Nope, I know probably as much as you guys do.”

You do your best to turn the conversation to other topics and away from you or Jensen, when it seems to quit working you go hop in the pool. Before too long you need to get ready to go back for Karaoke.

Adam, David, DJ, Julian, Sam and you, all are going back. Bri and Kim are bowing out of this one. When you arrive back, the fans are still watching the screening of ‘Yellow Fever.’ There are a variety of drinks set up in the green for you all.

Adam looks over the table, “what flavor of ‘apple juice’ shall we start with?”

“Something we aren’t going to regret tomorrow morning, would be great,” you tell him.

“Chicago was your own fault Lil Pad, you all were shooting them back a bit quick,” he fires back.

“I blame Bri,” you say with a shrug.

It isn’t long before the film is over and the stage is set for karaoke. With your red solo cups the six of you make your way on stage, while Adam draws the first name. Those that come on stage give it their all, and the crowd is singing along too. Adam is all over the stage and starts running up and down the aisles as well, which keeps not only his handler, but others busy watching him as well.

An hour and a half later, the event is winding down and you’re definitely ready to get back to the hotel and relax before bed. Well, after you pack. You aren’t used to leaving on Saturday afternoons.

The next morning there are two cars to take nine of you over to the convention hotel a little after nine. Adam, David and Jason don’t have to be there until ten. There is breakfast waiting in the green room along with the group's Starbucks order. Rob is talking with the band before looking for you.

“Y/N, did you text me the song you wanted to sing tonight? I can’t seem to find it.”

“I won’t be at the concert tonight, sorry guys. I head out this afternoon.”

“What? That is unacceptable,” he jokes with you. “Is your other half going to cover for you?”

“I have no idea what they are doing tonight.”

Rob, Rich and Louden Swain soon take the stage to start the day and then they call you, Bri, Kim and Sam to the stage. Things are going well, you all are talking, joking, and occasionally answering questions. At least until a little over halfway through when you get a question that catches you completely off guard.

A girl comes up to the mike and looks right at you. “My question is for Y/N.”

“I know her, she’s right here,” Kim jokes, pointing to you.

“What do you have for me sweetie?”

“How could you break up with Jensen?”

The whole room goes quiet, you stare at the girl, and everyone else is looking at you. “What?” you finally stutter.

“He announced it this morning during an interview.”

Everyone is still looking at you, Sam is one of the first to recover. “Um, maybe this isn’t the…’

“Thanks, Sam, it’s alright. I don’t know what Jensen said about this. But we both have different projects we’re working on. And um, I guess you hope things are going to work out one way, but sometimes life has other plans. I would appreciate though, if um, there weren’t any more questions on this right now. It’s supposed to be a fun weekend, let’s not bring it down okay?”

You try and focus on the last twenty minutes of the panel, but your brain keeps going back to that girl's question, and how could Jensen do that today? Why did he feel the need to announce it during an interview even?

When Rob and Rich come back on stage with the band you barely wait for them to start singing you off before you are gone down the steps. You see your brother right behind the curtain, he pulls you into a hug and walks with you back to the green room area.

“Are you alright?” he quietly asks.

“Just great. Have you seen the interview?”

“Not yet.”

You ignore Victoria sitting in the corner with a smug smile and go to the opposite side of the room with Jared. Pulling out your phone you search for the interview. Bri, Kim and Sam had been following you two, but they realize what you are doing and move to give you some room. Finding the video you push play.

Jensen is with Karl, Jack, Chase, Anthony, and sitting right next to him is Claudia. Watching the interview from this morning's talk show appearance, you aren't really paying attention to what’s being said, just trying to find the spot where Jensen throws you under the bus.

The interviewer makes a comment about how some of them have said they don’t want their parents to watch, but what about their significant others?

Claudia is the first to do anything, she laughs before speaking. “Well, Anthony is the only one of us currently in a relationship, so he’ll have to take that one.”

You notice Jensen makes a slight movement to look at Claudia out of the corner of his eye, and some of his castmates are looking at him as Anthony answers. When he’s finished the interviewer turns it back to Jensen.

“Aren’t you dating your former co-star, Y/N Padalecki?”

Claudia speaks up before Jensen can say a word, “ not any more she came up here just to break up with him because he was working.” She leans closer to your ex, and you can’t help but notice the way she is rubbing her hand up and down the top of his leg. Yeah, you aren’t so sure something isn’t going on there.

“We’re so sorry to hear that,” Don, Dan, whoever says to Jay.

“Long distance doesn’t work out for everyone, and I guess we just wanted different things,” Jensen finally speaks up.

The interviewer moves the topic back to the show and continues on.

“I cannot believe him.”

“In his defense,” your brother starts, “he didn’t really announce the breakup.”

“He had to have been talking about it with her, and he didn’t make a move to stop her, did he? Didn’t take him long to move on.”

You turn around and notice your friends on the other side of the room trying not to look at you. With a sigh, you drop your head back and know you have some explaining to do. Before you can get very far, a nervous Chelsea comes and tells you you are needed for your VIP M&G and then photo ops.

After your solo ops, you have photos with the ladies. Even though they want to ask, there is no time for questions now. Jared comes down for his ops with you, when those are finished you are done with photos for this convention. You give Chris a hug and tell him thanks before you follow your brother and handlers out of the room. The last of your autographs are next, it takes well over an hour for you to finish up. There are some comments about you and Jensen, mostly I’m sorry to hear you broke up. But a few rude ones, that couldn’t understand why you would do that.

Walking into the green room you notice almost everyone is in there, since there is a little bit of a break. Grabbing a water you sit on the edge of a table, with Jared coming up next to you.

“I know you all want to know what’s going on, so here it is. Yes, Jay and I aren’t together anymore. No, I didn’t go up to Toronto just to break up with him. It just happened while I was up there. I’m just not really ready to talk more about it right now.”

They all nod, Sam comes over and gives you a hug, Bri and Kim are right behind her.

“This the reason for the schedule change?” Bri quietly asks. You just nod.

Looking at the time, you make sure everything you were supposed to have autographed is done. The few things you have gotten out of your bag are packed back up. Jared is about to head to one of his M&G’s, you give him a hug before he goes.

“You alright?” he asks.

“Yeah.”

“Liar. Have a safe flight. I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

“Thanks. Hope all goes well here. Have a safe flight tomorrow. See ya soon.”

You tell the rest of the group goodbye before you head out. You still have a little time before your 3:30 flight, but you want to get out of there before Jensen arrives. Once you are all checked in at the airport, you find a quiet spot to sit, and go through your phone. You know you shouldn’t, but you bet the comments are flying about you right now. You aren’t wrong.

Earlier that morning up in Toronto, Jensen is boarding the plane for Florida. He finds his seat, throws his bag up top and sits down with a huff. He hadn’t had the morning he was expecting to.

His phone went off early this morning, someone from the show calling to tell him he was needed for an interview at the studio. Jesse was sick and unable to make it, they were asking him to fill in. He hurries to get cleaned up and make sure he has everything he needs to fly down for the convention.

Everyone else is already at the studio, they do a quick hair and makeup fix on him. Karl comes over to see how he’s doing.

“Ready for ya trip?”

“I think so.”

“Ya talked to her since she left?”

“No. But I don’t know what more she wanted from me. I haven’t figured out if I want to see her or not. Haven’t talked to Jared either. That’ll be interesting.”

“Maybe, ya just needed some time apart, and you two can work it out this weekend.”

“If it was space she needed, she wouldn't have broken up with me when she came up here. We had plenty of space living in two different countries.”

What neither man notices is Claudia hanging around behind them.

When it’s almost time, they have the cast take a seat and the interviewer comes out and sits across from them. Getting the cue from the studio they start rolling. Everything was going fine until the question about spouses came up and Claudia started talking. Jensen is too busy trying to figure out how she knows to even speak. He looks at her out of the corner of his eye before slightly looking at Karl, who is also looking at him.

Once his mind catches up he tries to shut the topic down before anymore can be said. When the camera moves away from him, he moves Claudia’s hand off his leg. By the time the interview is over, he can’t stay and question her about it, he has to get to the airport. He sends Karl a text on the way.

Any idea how she knew that?

Karl and Eric are the only two up here he had talked to about this. He gets a reply a short time later,

Not a bloody clue.

Once he gets to the airport, he doesn’t have a lot of time before the plane is supposed to take off. He is hoping since a number of fans will already be busy at the start of the convention day, word of the interview will take awhile to get around. There is nothing on his phone when he powers it down before takeoff. Sitting back he spends the flight looking over the final script of the season.

Arriving at the hotel, Mike gives him his room key and Jensen tells him he'll be back down in ten minutes. That gives him time to find his room, leave his bag, and change out of the airport clothes.

Clif is waiting at the back entrance of the convention center when he is dropped off there. He follows him up to the green room, where Victoria is waiting.

“Jensen, great to see you again. Hope you’re doing well.”

“Fine, thanks. You?”

“Good. I’m happy to be here. The suit reveal you posted on Instagram was amazing. I can’t wait until the show premieres.”

“Thanks. So, what’s first on my schedule?” he asks when she doesn’t tell him.

“Oh, solo pictures in a few minutes, then with Misha. You have a short break before the VIP M&G, then the regular one.”

“Ok. Do you know where Y/N is?”

“She’s around somewhere.”

He gets through his photo ops, and looks for you on his way to the M&G’s. He doesn’t see you around anywhere. It’s about halfway through the main M&G when someone mentions they are sorry to hear about what Y/N did.

He’s slightly confused, “what did she do?”

“How she came up to Toronto to, well you know…”

It suddenly clicks, the interview. Guess word got around. “Y/N’s an amazing woman, but unfortunately things didn’t work out.”

“How does this affect you and Jared?”

“If one of us comes on stage tomorrow with a black eye, you’ll know,” he tries to joke.

Finally making it through that half an hour he is escorted back to the green room. Sam is the only one in the room and she is getting ready to go back to photos. He grabs a water and sits at one of the tables, pulling out his phone and scrolling through it. Opening twitter he receives a notification he’s trending, and so are you. “If we’re both trending, I bet I know what that’s for,” he mumbles.

“Who’s fault is that?” a voice behind him asks.

Taking a deep breath, he readies himself to turn around and face his best friend. Who also happens to be your older brother.

“Hey Jare.”

“Ackles. You didn’t answer my question.”

He holds up his hands, “Look man, I never intended for that to come out this morning. I don’t even know how she knew.”

“You didn’t tell her? The two of you seemed pretty close.”

“The only two I’ve talked to are Karl and Eric. I haven’t talked to you, because she’s your sister, so I didn’t know where that put us.”

“That makes two of us. What happened between you two, Jay?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what more she wanted from me. I thought we were fine. Then she comes up to Toronto and tells me she can’t do it anymore. Where did that even come from?”

“She’s been hurting for awhile, but the one person who was supposed to notice it, didn’t have a fucking clue. In case you were wondering, that was you.”

“Then why didn’t she talk to me about it earlier?”

“Did you two even talk anymore?”

“Of course we did.”

Jared raises his eyebrows and slowly nods. “Really? All I know is, I’ve heard her cry, both before and after she went to see you. Gen and I were hoping going up to visit would have made things better, but it didn’t. I’ve seen the hate she is getting today, she was blindsided in her morning panel because of your interview.”

“Where is she?”

“She’s gone.”

“Back at the hotel?

Jared looks at his watch, “no, she should be landing in Austin in about 30-40 minutes.”

“She left the convention?”

“Yeah.”

In that moment, knowing you were already gone, he had his answer. He had been hoping to see you. “Was it because of the interview?”

“No, she had already planned it.

“She didn’t want to see me.”

Jared shrugs, but they both know the answer.

“What about you?” Jensen asks him.

“Your mug is pretty ugly to look at.” Jensen rolls his eyes before Jared continues. “She keeps telling me not to let what happens with the two of you interfere with our friendship. But it’s hard not to be upset with the guy that hurt my sister. You have no idea how much I would love to take a swing at you right now.”

He nods in understanding, “I guess I could possibly deserve that. But she isn’t the only one that was hurt here. She blindsided me with that breakup,” Jensen tells him before he walks over to where Victoria is signaling him from.

The two men go out for their autograph sessions a little quieter than usual. Clif asks them after what their plans are for the night, but both just opt to go back to the hotel and their respective rooms. The next morning is a quiet ride with Clif back to the convention hotel.

The guys are in the green room waiting for the start of the Gold Panel.

“I, uh, talked with Gen last night. Y/N, got home safe last night. She was still a bit upset at being caught off guard like that. I told Gen what you said about the interview. Not sure Y/N will believe us though.”

“Thanks, man. Um, how’s Tom?”

“Good. Keeps us on our toes, for sure. I can’t imagine how crazy it’ll be with two. He asked yesterday before I left when he could talk to you again.”

“I miss my buddy. Wait. Did you say two?”

“Yeah.”

“Gen’s pregnant? Congrats buddy.” Jensen moves to give his friend a hug.

“Thanks. I thought we talked about this a month ago in Chicago? Hasn’t Y/N said anything to you?”

Jensen is quiet for a few minutes, he can’t believe he missed this news. Had the two of you talked about it? Did Jared already tell him?

They continue talking before going on stage. The conversation doesn’t get deep, but they are trying to find their rhythm and work past this sinkhole in their friendship. They have to make it work on stage very shortly. It will take some time before things are like they were before, but neither one wants to lose a 10 year friendship.

The gold panel questions aren’t vetted first, so anything goes. Which of course means there is going to be a question about the breakup eventually.

“Jensen we are so sorry to hear about what happened between you and Y/N, it’s just awful. How are you holding up?” Someone questions.

He knows he needs to try and nip this before it keeps going. “Thanks. I will say this, and then I would appreciate it if there weren’t any more questions on this subject. I had no intention of that coming out in the interview yesterday. What’s going on is between Y/N and I. Long distance can really suck. You guys wouldn’t want to talk about your relationship troubles in front of hundreds of people. I would hope you understand that we don’t either right now.”

When their afternoon panel comes around he has to make the same announcement at one point. Jensen swears during photos and autographs that more fans than usual seem to be trying to flirt with him.

When they are finished for the day, Clif takes them both to the airport. Their flights aren't too far apart in departure time. Jensen tells Jared he’ll be back home in two weeks, and they talk about meeting up once he’s back in Texas. After checking in, they head to their respective terminals.

Jensen is waiting for his flight, feeling a little disappointed. It would have hurt, but he would have liked to see you this weekend. He’s spent a good part of the last 24 hours thinking about what Jared told him. How you had been hurting for a while. How had he not realized you weren’t happy any longer?

Thank you for reading!

Chapter 10

Tags

SPNForevers- @winchest09 @flamencodiva @whatareyousearchingfordean @waywardbeanie @deanwanddamons @emoryhemsworth @atc74 @sandlee44 @akshi8278 @fantasydevil2002 @writercole @440mxs-wife @nervousfandom @lunarmoon8 @thoughts-and-funnies @downanddirtydean @katelyn--renee @that-one-gay-girl @lyarr24 @pineapleavocado @siospins2 @deans-spinster-witch @ariesbabe1993 @graciebear73 @stixnstripesworld @spnbaby-67 @treat-winchesterswith-kindness @charmed-asylum @winchestergirl2 @jawritter @hobby27 @amyzombie1013 @sexyvixen7 @leigh70 @krazykelly @nancymcl @candy-coated-misery0731 @kmc1989 @supraveng

WIAFA Masterlist

@woodworthti666 @spnfamily-j2 @stoneyggirl2 @creative-writing92 @kaz11283 @deans-baby-momma @let-me-luv-you @senjoritanana @itzabbyxx @djs8891 @tmb510 @perpetualabsurdity @mellyie @fiftyshadesgrl @jessicalynnann @prettyinplaid94

#jensen ackles rpf #supernatural #jensen x female!reader #when it all falls apart #jensen ackles x reader #jensen ackles

143 notes · View notes

moonknightblog · 6 months ago

Text

A Sweet Whiskey (Part 1/3)

Jake Lockley x f!Reader Story (sfw)

Words: 534

Inspired by “Too Sweet” by Hozier (part 1) (part 2) (part 3)

Summary: You’re a steady-headed girl, a careful type that plays by the rules, yet you begin to question everything when you met a stranger, who is has the opposite lifestyle to you.

Some of the first words you ever heard him say was “Eres demasiado dulce para mí.” An annoying statement that he seemed to love saying, and to be fair, that statement isn’t too far off from reality…

It was late, way past your usual bedtime of 9:30 pm, your phone was dead, and ever turn you made lead to darker parts of the city, not even the moon could lighten the path home. You were clutching your purse, being wary of every sound, your eyes still weren’t attuned to the dark. Yet, just as you cursing for taking that later shift at work, someone came behind it, holding your wrist hard. It a raspy voice they spoke out-

“Quiet, give me your purse and I’ll let you be.”

Your heart races as you slowly turn around and hand this black-hooded person your purse, you didn’t want take any risk.

The figure snatches the purse from your hand, and looks you up and down before speaking again. It gave you a unwelcoming feeling all over.

“What’s your name, Sweetheart?”

“What?” You softly say

“What’s your name?” They ask with a more threatening tone.

“It’s-“ You start to say but before you can finish, blood starts escaping from the strangers’s chest, and they fell to their knees. In the stranger’s back was a white crescent moon.

You let out a gasp, as the thick red blood slowly leaks towards your clean shoes, you look around for the cause, spotting someone covered in bright white outfit, with dark interior to it and it seems like they were coming closer to you.

You panic as they get closer, but you are unable to move, freezing in a seemingly dangerous situation was common for you. They pick up the red crescent dart from the man’s back, and flick the blood off it. Your eyes are wide open, and you’re shaking, a small breath escapes your mouth.

The white cloaked figure spoke,

“¿Estás bien?”

You didn’t say anything, yet you felt a small sense of calmness, the aura this figure gave off was cold, yet peaceful.

“No te preocupes, esta escoria ya no te haría daño.” The cloaked person said

You were able to give out a slight nod

The figure turned away and started to walk away, somehow you got enough courage to shout out,

“Hey! Atleast let me buy you a drink as a thanks or something!”

You immediately regret saying it, this figure murdered someone in-front of you, that is a definition of a red flag right? Yet before you can say anything else, they turn around and reply.

“¡Lo siento, pero eres demasiado dulce para mí!”

The figure was about to turn away again, but they paused and said something else,

“You know what I’ll take that offer, I’ll be at the Moonfinder wt bar tomorrow at 10pm, I’ll see you there.” They said with a slight british-sounding voice, they didn’t have before.

“Alright…” you reply

The figure left quickly in a white blur, and soon enough you feel everything that just had happen, you felt like you about to collapse, but somehow you able to dragged yourself home and fall asleep on your bed.

—☾—☾—☾—☾—☾—☾—☾—☾—☾—☾—☾—☾—☾—☾—☾—☾—☾—☾—☾—☾—☾

#moon knight #not beta read #jake lockley #jake lockley x reader #marvel #moon knight fanfic #first time writing character x reader

16 notes · View notes

gucciguccigarbage · 9 months ago

Text

Sometimes I get that internalized ableism feel of "what if everybody feels this bad all the time and is just better at dealing with it" and then I have days like today. Which I am being very niceys to myself about... But I think the abnormality to crush my disability impostor syndrome is kind of self-evident...

Waking up- Slowly and difficultly. Get out of bed to take my 6am meds at 10 past 6. My first alarm was at 4:50

6:30-7:30- trying to make a meal plan and grocery list for shopping later. Mixed success.

7:30-9:00- Playing sky:cotl (lowkey video game) on voice call with friend

9:00-11:30- Picking up where I left off, ending up with a total of 3.5 hours between two sessions spent planning one month of meals and putting a very small number of items onto a shopping list.

11:30am-1:30pm- Actually running the errand, including putting away groceries after getting home. Pretty decent time for going to both a bulk buy store and a farmstand, I feel fine about that one.

1:30pm-4:00pm- Decided to lie down a little bit to recover after running my errand. Ended up immobilized. Honestly not sure how to describe this sensation that happens every so often, definitely not sleep but also feels tied to the chronic fatigue factor just. Can't move, kinda numb kinda just feeling aches, not really processing info around me but awake? Anyway, that.

4:00-7:30- Filled the dishwasher, reheated leftovers for dinner, and quick-pickled some beets and radishes I got earlier. Now I'm writing this post then going to sleep.

Yeah, writing it out like this it seems pretty clear, right? One errand essentially took up my entire day. I wasn't able to get anything else done that I wanted to. I can say in perspective to good days and in perspective to others, that's definitely not the way the majority of people experience a day in the world. And even now some part of my brain goes "what if that isnt true and youre just whining" when I definitely know enough to say, you know, I'd never CHOOSE to lie unmoving in my bed for hours on end like. Wouldn't I at least willfully 'slack off' with something fun if I could-

#disability rambles

7 notes · View notes

megan-loves-surveys · 8 months ago

Text

Let's go.

1 - Who was the last person to give you a gift? What was the reason for it? Christmas lol.

2 - Are you a good cook? If so, who taught you? What’s your favourite thing to cook? No I suck. My boyfriend has been trying to teach me but I'm awful.

3 - When was the last time something in your house broke? Did you manage to fix it or did you need to buy a replacement? Good question, I'm not sure.

4 - Is any part of your body hurting right now? What caused that pain? Not right now.

5 - Do you have anything exciting planned for the upcoming weekend? I'm going to a wrestling show, that'll be fun.

6 - If you could spend two weeks in any city in the world, which city would you pick and why? London or NYC, cos so much to do, I wouldn't get bored.

7 - When was the last time you tripped or fell in public? if there was nobody around to see you, did you still feel embarrassed? Ages ago, I don't think anyone saw me.

8 - The last time you made a sandwich, what did you put in there? Peanut butter.

9 - How many hours sleep did you get last night? Was that enough for you or could you have slept for longer? 6 hours and 40 mins, I could have had a bit longer but eh.

10 - What’s your favourite time of day? What’s your favourite thing to do at that time? Evenings, that's my free time! I listen to music, watch wrestling, play video games, talk on Discord etc.

11 - Where did you go the last time you left your house? I went to work, then after work I went out for a meal with my Mum.

12 - Are you tired right now? Will you be going to bed anytime soon? I'm alright, and no it's 12:26pm xD

13 - How many times a week do you get takeaway coffee, if you get it at all? I mostly stay away from coffee cos caffeine does a number on me.

14 - What radio station do you listen to the most? None.

15 - If you eat steak, how do you like it cooked? What sauces or sides do you like to go with it? I don't.

16 - Do you prefer sweet or savoury pancakes? What toppings do you have on them? Mixture - I get them with bacon and maple syrup.

17 - Are you someone who cracks their joints a lot? Which one(s) do you tend to crack and click the most? Yep, especially my knees and my fingers xD

18 - Have you ever taken medication or tablets to help you sleep? is this something you do on a regular basis? No.

19 - For you, what’s the worst thing about getting up in the morning? What about the worst thing about going to bed tonight? Actually getting up, after I do, I'm fine. And going to bed is annoying cos I have to haul all the plushies off it xD

20 - Do you prefer regular or diet soft drinks? Definitely diet, regular is usually too sweet.

21 - What do you tend to wear if you’re just hanging about the house for the day? Depends on the time of year - in summer, it'll be a jumpsuit, summer dress or tank top & shorts. In winter, it'll be comfy yoga pants and a hoodie with ugg boots.

22 - When was the last time you dyed your hair? Did you do it yourself or get it done at a hairdresser? December, I went to the salon.

23 - Does having to wear a mask stop you doing things? Is this because you struggle wearing one or you just don’t like it? We thankfully don't have to wear them anymore, but we did have to wear them for months in 2021 and 2022 - inside any buildings and on public transport.

24 - Have you ever witnessed a car accident? Or have you perhaps been involved in one yourself? Were you at fault? Does getting hit by a car count? LOL.

25 - When was the last time you baked a cake? What cake was it? I don't bake.

26 - Do you like wearing bows or accessories in your hair? Nah.

27 - How many books do you read in a year? Do you enjoy reading or do you have to really force yourself to sit down and read? Not as many as I should. I've read two this year so far lol.

28 - If you have pets, where did they come from? A breeder, a rescue or maybe a friend who bred their pet? No pets.

29 - Do you make your bed every morning when you get up? Yep.

30 - When was the last time you got takeaway food? Was it good? I had KFC on Friday if that counts.

1 - Who was the last person to knock on your door? Were they there to see you? My boyfriend, he usually texts me to let him into our complex but the gate was open last time and he was able to come in on his own.

2 - Have you left the house yet today? If not, do you have plans to leave the house later on? Not yet, and yes, I'm heading out to a concert later this afternoon around 3:30 or so.

3 - What’s your favourite brand of chocolate? What type of chocolate bar from that brand is your favourite? Any Belgian chocolate, Whittakers (NZ brand) and Cadbury's.

4 - Have you ever met someone in person who you first met on the internet? Do you have plans to do that anytime soon? Oh yeah, quite a few of my friends were online friends first, then later on we met in real life.

5 - What was the last thing you used a blender for? We don't own a blender.

6 - Have you ever got into an argument with a stranger on social media? Do you remember what it was about? Oh, loads of times. They're usually about wrestling xD

7 - When was the last time you cracked your joints? Is that something you do often? I do that way too much.

8 - What time is it right now? If you weren’t doing a survey, what else would you be doing right now? 1:25pm. I'd either be at work, at the gym or watching wrestling or playing a video game haha.

9 - If you had ten minutes to run around an empty supermarket and fill your trolley for free, what’s the first aisle you’d go for? Chips! Haha.

10 - Aside from Tumblr, what websites do you visit the most and why? last.fm, Facebook, Reddit, YouTube. All the usuals.

11 - Has COVID had any impact on your Christmas plans this year? What’s going to change or be different to normal? No, Covid isn't really a problem anymore. It's still around of course, but it doesn't affect stuff as much now.

12 - What’s your favourite flavour of cake? Are you any good at making that kind of cake? Any! And I suck at baking.

13 - Do you prefer sweet or sour candy? Sour.

14 - What colour is your favourite fruit? Is this a fruit you eat often? Yellow, cos it's bananas haha. And I don't eat them that much really.

15 - Is your favourite restaurant an independent place or a chain? What is it that you love about it so much? Porterhouse Grill, it's independent as far as I know. It's expensive but the food is so good and the staff are so friendly.

16 - Are you genuinely a fan of Starbucks or do you think it’s all hype? I love it! I go at least once a week.

17 - Do you own a Christmas jumper? What design/pattern does it have on it? I do, I have two, they're both wrestling ones - one is Seth Rollins, the other is Roman Reigns. I can't wear them at Christmas though cos it's too hot, so I wear them in July lol.

18 - What’s your favourite fit/style of jeans? Skinny jeans.

19 - What was the last non-essential item you spent money on? I dropped a bunch of money on backing the Broken Sword kickstarter haha.

20 - Are you currently under any COVID-related restrictions where you live? Are people generally following the rules? No, they lifted those in 2022.

21 - What did you last leave the room you’re in to do? To go downstairs for lunch.

22 - Have you ever read any self-help books? Did you find them useful? No.

23 - What’s your favourite programme on the Food Network (if you watch it)? If you don’t get that channel, what’s your favourite food/cookery show in general? I don't like cooking shows.

24 - Do you still watch cartoons? Yep sometimes.

25 - Who do you know with the most number of siblings? Would you ever want to live in a huge family? Ngawari, my BFF. She has 9 brothers and sisters! And no.

26 - Are you a fan of garlic bread? Yes! Yummy.

27 - Do you own any personalized clothing? What’s the reason for getting it? No.

28 - Is anyone else in the same room as you right now? What is that person up to? No, my Mum is downstairs.

29 - What colours are you wearing right now? Does your wardrobe contain a lot of those colours? Only black haha. And yes.

30 - Do you like adding condiments to your food? If so, what are some of your favourites? I am a condiment addict, I use so many different ones. But I def use tomato sauce/ketchup the most, with mayo in second.

This past year…

who were your favorite singers, musicians, or bands?

My most played artist on Spotify was Taylor Swift, lol. But on last.fm my #1 was Ayumi Hamasaki, like she is most years.

what were some of your favorite foods?

Mac & cheese, always.

what was your favorite dessert?

Iceblocks or ice cream.

what was the best thing that happened to you?

I got permanent work finally! It started as a temp job, but my boss liked me so much he offered me the permanent position. Yay me!

what was the worst thing that happened to you?

Dunno, 2023 was pretty good, all things considered.

how have you grown as a person?

Sure.

what have you learned?

That a temp job can turn into a permanent one if you work hard enough and impress.

how old did you turn?

36.

what did you do for your birthday?

I had dinner with my BFF on my actual birthday, then the next day I went to lunch with my Mum and then went out for drinks with my boyfriend.

what did you accomplish?

Got a permanent job, went to the gym regularly for the whole year etc.

where did you live?

I've lived in the same place since 2016 lol.

who was your best friend?

Ngawari, we reconnected in a big way last year - she was inspired to join the gym by me and now we go together every week.

This past year, have you….

made a new friend?

Yes.

lost a friend?

Yes :( My friend Zoe passed from cancer.

made a new best friend?

No.

lost someone close to you?

Yes.

attended a funeral?

No, cos Zoe didn't have a funeral, they just had a get together and I couldn't go cos we lived in different cities.

attended a wedding?

No.

gave birth to a child? 🤰

No.

“came out of the closet”?

No.

traveled?

God I wish.

felt depressed? 😔

No.

felt suicidal? 😔

No.

felt happy? 😃

Yes!

felt at peace? 😊

Probably?

felt overjoyed? 💃

Sure.

felt blessed? 😇

Dunno.

felt amazed? 🤩

Sure.

fallen in love? 😍

I was already in love <3

had your heart broken? 💔

No..

got a new car? 🚗

No..

graduated? 👩‍🎓

No.

experienced something miraculous? ✨

Nah.

had a better year than last year?

2023 was way better than 2022 for sure.

had a worse year than last year?

No.

been to see the doctor? 👨‍⚕️

I didn't, lol.

been to the hospital? 🏥

No.

had a severe allergic reaction? 🤧

No.

had COVID? 🦠

I think I did, I got sick twice in two months - once was a cold, the other was prob Covid.

found out someone you knew had COVID? 🦠

Yes.

used an epi pen? 💉

No.

had a fever? 🥵

No.

had a migraine? 🧠

Too damn many.

gone on a date? 🌹

Loads.

written in a journal or diary? 📔

Yes.

given someone a hug? 🤗

Loads.

cut your hair? 💇‍♀️

No, but I dyed it a few times.

danced around your living room? 💃

No.

prayed? 🙏

No.

worshiped Jesus?

No.

read the Bible? 📖

No.

discovered a new favorite book? 📕

No.

gone to church? ⛪️

No.

went for a walk in the fall? 🍁

Probably.

set up and decorated a Christmas tree? 🎄

Yes.

threw up? 🤮

No.

almost threw up? 🤢

Yes.

discovered a new music artist you really liked? 🎤

Loads!

discovered a new song you really liked? 🎶

LOADS.

seen snow? ⛄️

No.

seen beautiful fall foliage? 🍁

Yes.

gone to the beach? 🏝

No.

rode a bike? 🚴

No.

rode a horse? 🐎

No.

swam? 👙

No.

worn makeup? 💄

No.

done a craft project?

No.

made a scrapbook page?

No.

written an essay? 📝

No.

painted something? 🎨

No.

drawn something? ✍️

No.

sketched in a sketchbook?

No.

written someone a letter? 📝

No.

been to a concert? 👩‍🎤

Yep, I went to see the Vengaboys last year.

driven a car? 🚘

No.

kayaked? 🛶

No.

gone on a cruise? 🚢

No.

made a big purchase?

Depends what you consider big.

moved to a new home? 🏡

No.

got a new pet?

No.

lost a pet?

No.

gotten a tattoo?

No.

gotten a new piercing?

No.

started a new hobby?

No.

worn a mask? 😷

We didn't have to wear them in 2023.

felt afraid to leave your house?

No.

celebrated your birthday alone?

No.

celebrated Christmas alone?

No.

went for a long walk through the neighborhood?

Yes.

Favorites of this Year (Pick one for each.)

Song:

Hard choice, probably CuteBad - Provocateur

Book:

Dunno.

TV show:

Raw or Dynamite.

Youtube channel:

I have loads of faves, but prob Call Me Kevin. He's always funny no matter what.

Food:

Mac & cheese.

Dessert:

Iceblocks.

Drink:

Starbucks mocha java chip frappe.

Friend:

Ngawari or David.

Thing you did:

Saw the Vengaboys or going to wrestling shows.

Place you went:

Nowhere lol.

Person you spend time with:

My Mum.

Thing you did for your birthday:

Gone to eat.

Celebrity:

Jon Moxley.

Website:

YouTube or last.fm.

Emojis:

Laughing crying face or heart.

Colors:

Purple & blue.

Restaurant:

Porterhouse Grill.

Tea flavor ☕️:

I don't like tea.

Final Questions!

Would you say this past year has been a good year overall?

Pretty good, yeah.

What are your goals for the new year?

Keep going to the gym, mainly.

How old will you turn next year?

37.

Did you make any big mistakes this past year?

No.

Do you have any big changes coming?

No.

How will you be celebrating New Year’s Eve this year?

I just hung out with my boyfriend and his friends and we had some drinks.

What was the best day of this year for you, and why?

Hard to pick.

What did you spend the most time doing this year?

Working and going to the gym, lol.

#survey #surveys #personal survey #random survey #2023 survey

2 notes · View notes

jungle-angel · 2 years ago

Text

Feral Children Prompts: Part 2

Guys, I’ve hit a horrible dry spell. I know I need to do a masterlist soon but with the way things are at work I haven’t had alot of time to do it. Taking requests for the usual, Top Gun Maverick, Outer Range, Bad Times at the El Royale, Salem’s Lot and Press Play.

1. Taking care of the kids when they’re sick

2. Mothers’ Day

3. Fathers’ Day

4. “No! Let go! That is not for tying up your little brother(s)”

5. The kids bringing home stray animals

6. Ticks

7. “We were playing ‘The Stupid Game’”

8. Stopping a bully from picking on their younger siblings

9. The kids having a lightsaber duel with sticks in the backyard

10. “This might be some kind of foot fungus but I’m not sure”

11. 7 Dirty Words they heard from Mom and Dad

12. “Mommy I got these wildflowers for you”

13. The boys wanting to be like Daddy

14. The kids playing in the grass, pretending to be animals

15. Mom or Dad coming home to a total disaster zone

16. “Do not toss your brother into that snowbank!!”

17. The kids stealing your cookie trays and making mud pies

18. The boys becoming total perverts even though they’re still really little

19. Belching contest on the porch

20. “I don’t think any amount of SHOUT that we use will ever get these stains out”

21. The parents sicking the kids on the neighborhood church hag

22. Bringing home the bullfrogs

23. Fishing with the kids

24. “Hee hee, I’m a shark!”

25. The kids drinking from the gallon of milk just like daddy/grandpa

26. “Why is your baby brother/sister covered in peanut butter?!”

27. The kids running around with a deer antler that was left in the yard

28. Turning a duck blind into a treehouse

29. “Can we keep this snake as a pet?”

30. The tire swing at the swimming hole

31. The kids grabbing onto Daddy’s legs when he walks in the door

32. “I knew they were trouble the minute they mooned us on that sonogram”

33. “They stripped naked and ran through the mud, I think they’re clothes are still caught on the fence”

34. The kids telling some wild and crazy story about a neighborhood kid being an alien

35. The kids turning an old vehicle on the property into their fort

36. The baby stealing one of Daddy’s oversized t-shirts

37. The kids wanting to help dad and grandpa fix the truck

38. “They all stink, I think they rolled in something gross”

39. “I said no peeing off the deck!!!!!!”

40. The baby wearing Daddy’s cowboy boots

41. The kids playing with the most ornery bull in the heard

42. “We made a bunny den!!”

43. Getting the dog to pull them on the sled after a snowstorm

44. Using their skateboards as a bunch of bobsleds

45. “Look Mommy!! No hands!!”

46. The kids hiding under the porch

47. The baby running naked through the backyard sprinkler

48. The kids pretending to be monsters under the bed

49. The kids chucking crab apples at each other and or the street sign

50. Rock wars

#top gun maverick #outer range #bad times at the el royale #salem's lot #press play

5 notes · View notes

ayearlaterletters · 2 months ago

Text

aug 15 - aug 27

9:47 pm written on Aug 27th.

wooooo got a lot to catch up on lets do a quick recap. i will try my best to remember! aug 15 Thursday: I believe my grandma was in town and I was preparing for her arrival. I came home around midnight after our hangout. i woke up everyone in the house, but they were most likely awake when I came home from our lovely night rendevous. we took Marcus to volleyball, got pizza, and most likely had a love session. i also sent you gametime tickets to checkout padres padres vs tigers & 42 dugg lol. we decided on padres game bc we had a lot of fun the first time :) we gonna get you that margarita cup lol! aug 16 friday: while you were at work, I spent time with my grandma all day. i took her to the store and cemetery to visit her father in law and to handle some paperwork on her plot contracts. you decided to work overtime and pull a double shift. i think Friday was a stay at home kinda day after your long shift and my day with grandma.

aug 17 saturday: we both went to work and you pulled another double shift. i think again, it was another stay at home kinda day because you were getting off at around 9pm.

aug 18 sunday: i announce it's been a month since our staycation. you reply back with, I know baby I cant wait for the next trip we take together I love you so much :) I miss you. i respond with I miss you too - emoji with puppy glossy eyes. then, you tell me to meet you at the intl bathroom to see you rq at like 530 am! we were making plans for sept. i think it was your last day of working overtime shifts so another stay at home day.

aug 19 monday: after 3 days of not seeing each other, I believe you and I crashed out and we both agreed 3 days is our max of not seeing one another for that long. we planned to have a spontaneous rendevous. we went to la jolla shores until dusk. once it got dark, then we headed to ob for some luigis pizza. after luigi;s we went to sunset cliffs to make some love. i think I only got like 1 hour of sleep and I'm pretty sure I was late to work but I had fun and no regrets! i would do it again to spend another night with you.

aug 20 tuesday: we went to work and later in the evening we took marcus to volleyball.

aug 21 Wednesday: I dropped my mother and her BFF at the airport and we met up later in the evening most likely to get something to eat.

aug 22 thursday: our days off. i met your granddad in the afternoon, got thai food, and watched you play video games before we all left to take Marcus to volleyball early for once! i think i left after volleyball bc of trooper. omg bby we made love in your bed and I didn't finish so i was very feral for you.

aug 23 Friday: 3am i wanted you i needed you!!! made it to your house at 4am and we parked on the dark street. my car battery died so...triple a came and now I'm with you for 3 years. we est. Our relationship is now measured in car batteries. finally before 730 traffic got worse, I did make it home safely and you and I were knocked out! originally we were supposed to have brunch before noon but we didn't wake up until like afternoon. we went to the purple mint vegan asian food filet mignon and kung pao chicken. then you went to the beach to hangout with friends to plan jasmine 21st birthday.

aug 24 Saturday: 0824 Kobe day. we went to olive garden and ordered alfredo pasta lol. after olive garden we went to target to buy milk then went home.

aug 25 sunday: we went to your theaters to watch strange darling! we snuck in snacks from Walmart and wrapped them up in your tortilla blanket lol.

aug 26 monday: we didn't see each other bc I had to pick up my mother and her BFF from the airport and i was cleaning the house before their arrival.

aug 27th: we went to chopsticks and feng cha then departed ways so you can attend jasmine's birthday at the bar and coin-op :)

aug 28, 29, 30 - I will be in Hawaii so I will not see you but we will talk. i am grateful for you willing to pick me up and drop me off at the airport :) I cannot wait to see you again by.

i will miss you always and will think of you all the time. i love you, honestly. i will say this again, I really have never felt this way for anyone before. i hope we last for ever, a life time, a long time. thank you for being my sweet man. i am so truly lucky to have you!

our bookclub Sad Freaks review: your enjoying powerless bc its giving hunger game vibes but with magic powers. you're enjoying paedyn's chapters over kai's bc we both agree kai is downbad for pae and pae is talking real shit about survival in the competitions. I'm living for the sassy dialogue between both characters. at this point, we are about 25% into the book.

goodnight my lover I love you and I miss you. aug 27 10:29pm

0 notes

keefwho · 7 months ago

Text

April 03 - 2024 Wednesday

11:10pm

4/10

This morning I went outside and picked stuff up around my bathroom window since thats where my parents have been piling some stuff. I shifted it over in front of the garage door with their other stuff, also picked up things that have rotted or otherwise evolved into trash. I took my shower without the noise of my phone or anything to get some thinking time. For breakfast I made my last breakfast sandwich and rice since it was the most convenient thing.

On stream I warmed up with value studies of trains that turned out pretty cool, it was a way I hadn't tried before. Then I sketched a commission out and started on 57's. We got into a vigorous argument about the throwing capability of Vive and Index controllers in VRchat and to me it proved how he actually is so unwilling to be proven wrong that he will try to twist an argument into something else, among other things.

After work I did my workout and I made a new rule that I need to cut it off at 1:30 no matter what. It makes it so that I have adequate time to shower and motivates me to do it even if I don't have enough time because I know what the cutoff is so I'll at least do some of it. So I did a little over half with the time I had. I had to start a fire at my parents place since mom couldn't get one going and that was a little annoying. For lunch I made a pretty good quesadilla, better than I thought it would turn out at least. I watched Twitch on mute because I didn't want to hear people but I wanted the visual stimulation. Also thought about how weird it is that we stare at screens so much.

I was better today about sticking to my afternoon schedule but still not perfect. I did today's request and worked an hour on my own art. I drew this goody cakeification idea where my otter is transformed into a cake. Then with my last 9 minutes I worked on BR's avatar. That was important because usually I'd shirk those last insignificant minutes but today I remembered that every minute counts and I was able to do a solid couple things in 9 minutes.

After work I almost immediately hopped in VR. I was feeling very very lonely and was hopeful that either BD or DS would end up joining me while I did jigsaw puzzles. I did puzzles for a little over an hour alone before DS wanted to Just Dance so I got off to do that with her. I did really good today except for the last couple songs where the tracking was awful.

In bed we did our puzzles, read 2 chapters of Monster High 2, and played Kingdom Hearts. I beat the Lion King level today and was flabbergasted that Sora turned into a lion.

~~~

Today sucked because I was lonely all day and in my head about a lot of things. My self opinion was extremely negative and while I knew that, I didn't have the strength to act on anything that might help. I tried to accept how I was feeling and accept some of my circumstances. Instead of distracting myself or trying to rationalize it away, I took it head on and felt the pain. It didn't help very much today in terms of relief. But I'm sure it helped me push through at least a little of it.

#journal #diary

0 notes

mdaah · 1 year ago

Text

What if we have another Nibling story?

Context: Another 2 of my niblings came to stay this past weekend (a different 2 from the last story) Also, I now have a job which means that most days, I am working from early afternoon till late evening.

My mum planned a few things to do over the weekend, mainly activities for the niblings as I wouldn’t be present most of the time.

On the Saturday, whilst I was working my mum took the niblings to the cinema, whilst my dad stayed at home with my brother. They would be gone from around 6 till I finished work so Dad was instructed to have a curry for tea (this will be important later) Everyone has a good time, Saturday done.

Sunday however, is where things go wrong. Mum planned for us to go to a park in the morning but she overslept. Dad didn’t wake her up, with the excuse “I didn’t know you wanted to go out, and if you did you should have got up yourself” , despite knowing the plan. The morning is wasted and time for me to work. Mum drops me off, has a coffee and stays for a while. During this time, my dad decides ‘hey niblings, let’s go to a playground that we can walk to!’ (That is an imagined sentence as I wasn’t there)

Context: this ‘playground’ is not the park that my mum planned to go to, is about 1/2 an hours walk from our house and doesn’t contain any play equipment whatsoever.

Context: these two of my niblings are quite picky eaters so any mes my mum prepares for them are specifically planned

My dad phones my mum and askes her to pick them up. By this point it is around tea time so my mum goes to prepare 2 burgers for the niblings, but only finds one…

Mum(m): I swear there were two burgers here

Dad(d): I had one for tea last night

M: but I told you to have the curry!

D: but I only finished putting [brother] to bed at 9:30 and couldn’t be bothered to make the curry

M: but you knew that I had them saved for the niblings!

D: you never told me that they were serving a special purpose!

M: I literally went shopping for bits for the niblings yesterday! Did you not think about that?

…So yeah, he ignored my mum’s instructions, and of course it wasn’t his fault!

After the niblings finished tea they went to meet with their parents so they could go home.

When my mum, dad and brother got home (around 9) my brother wanted to watch tv. Straight away my dad was like ‘ok let’s go’, but mum interrupted and said no since it was at least 2 hrs past my brothers bedtime and he had to get up early the day after.

Also, at some point during the day, my dad received a phone call from his daughter (my half sister and the mother of the niblings from the previous story) who is in holiday who said that she and her kids could come up to ours for the day next week. Without checking with my mum to see if we already had plans, he suggested doing something that would leave us with little time for me to prepare for work.

Context: my half sister used to be a hair stylist and a while ago I asked her to dye my hair, due to our current jobs, it’s been hard to find a time where we were both free. The scheduled day is one of the only times we are both free. My mum later asked my dad…

M: what about mdaah’s hair?

D: she can do it after

M: no, mdaah has to work!

…meaning that my hair shall remain un dyed for a while longer.

So what have we learned today? My dad is lazy, unable to take responsibility for his actions, out of touch with the local area, disregarding of pre-made plans, and is a bed-time breaker in order to watch tv, and is wilfully ignorant of my work shifts.

#bad fathers #bad parenting #i hate him #parenting

0 notes

aesthetic-bastard · 2 years ago

Text

Media Interaction 2022

Part 4: April

Persona 4 Golden - This was my first time playing a Persona game and P4G is easily the most obtainable entry in the Persona series for first-time players. I originally started playing P4G in April but wouldn't end up finishing it until June which was a whole 80 hours later. I have never played any game like this before and I think P4G is another one of the top pieces of media I have consumed this year that opened up a gateway to a whole new bunch of interests.

Many of my friends were surprised I made it to the end of the game because most of my friends couldn't make it to the 80-hour mark. Even though the ending I got was very unsatisfactory I had a great time playing P4G up until that point. Every night I would ritualistically get into bed with my laptop around 9:30 to stay up and play this game. I think there was a perfect balance between spending time crawling through the dungeons and then sitting back and watching events unfold as you advance through the story which I found addicting to pick up every night. I also just could not wait to begin the Naoto Shirogane social link after nearly sinking in 40 hours at that point because I love to finesse the badest bitches. I have yet to play Persona 3 or 5 but I feel like this will be my favorite out of the series based on the plot regardless if I play any of the other games. My friends first introduced me to P4G as a better substitute for Danganronpa and I certainly liked P4G a lot better after playing it. I feel bad that Danganronpa was the first visual novel that I experienced and compared to P4G I've felt like I've been missing out this whole time. During my playthrough of P4G, I noticed a lot of elements Danganronpa took from this game like the UI, the fact that the first dungeon resembles the first floor of Hopes Peak Academy, an annoying talking bear mascot, and several characters from Trigger Happy Havoc having very similar writing to characters from the Persona 4 cast. I didn't play very many games or was interested in very much at the time I first played Danganronpa 1&2 and I feel like playing P4G opened me up to so much more and I feel like I have graduated to playing big girl games. I would love to play this game again someday with a new game+ save file and sink another 80 hours into it to see every aspect Persona 4 has to offer. I can not stress enough that time management is an important aspect of this game and even though I thought I managed well I still ended up with a bad ending.

Pure Trance - This was my first experience reading any work by Junko Mizuno. Pure Trance has a very cute, sexy, and pleasing art style that I'm attracted to but at times there was so much detail drawn into each panel it was hard to tell what was happening. I liked that this manga had a very dystopian way of touching on very dark subjects like eating disorders but there were so many plot points shoved into this 9 chapter manga that it ended up being very incoherent. There were so many things that I liked about this manga that if expanded upon would be so much better.

Love My Life - I'm not very big on romance and even though I experience attraction regardless of gender identity I don't dive very deep into the genre of yuri manga. I'm having trouble recalling very much from Love My Life but I think I initially read it because I thought this would be something that was a little erotic which wasn't the case. Even though I'm not very big on the whole genre of romance I think Love My Life had a very honest depiction of lesbian women in a relationship that isn't romanticized or pertains to any sort of fetish. Lesbian women can face the same challenges of maintaining a relationship no different than heterosexuals and I feel that Love My Life portrays this very genuinely. I thought this manga was fine at best and the art style may not be for everyone but I enjoy seeing LGBT people depicted as normal human beings who are no different from heterosexual couples.

#media interaction 2022

1 note · View note

imthebadguyyy · 3 years ago

Text

A/N - based off of this sinful photograph

Suggested listening - Wildside by Normani and Kiss It Better by Rihanna

Wildside

Pairing - Lewis Hamilton x Reader (fem!littlemix!reader)

Fandom - F1

Summary - You've been on tour for a while, and you miss your loverboy. But when he surprises you on tour, its bound to get spicy.

Warnings - smut (not well written)

The snap of hips. The soft groans and moans. The sound of pants. The sound of Rihanna's 'Kiss It Better' blaring through the walls. The bed knocking against the wall as Lewis's hands squeezed your hips, the intensity of the thrust pushing the bed against the wall. The high pitched moan that left your mouth as you reached your high, eyes closing as stars exploded behind your eyelids, as your boyfriend came right after you, your walls clenching as he came. Even after reaching your high, you didn't want to open your eyes, far too consumed in the earth shattering pleasure that was coursing through your veins, until a soft hand reached to pull your chin up, soft brown eyes looking into your own, clouded with lust and euphoria.

Pulling your mouth into his in a heated kiss, Lewis moved his hand to rest on your bare stomach, squeezing your tummy softly as he deepened the kiss. Pulling away he let his head droop onto your bare chest. "That was.." he began, far too blissed out to think of an adjective. "Godly" you said, chest rising and falling rapidly, trying to come to terms with the intensity of your orgasm. Laughing he leaned back up to kiss your nose, before standing up and walking to the bathroom. You heard the tap running, and the sound of the dustbin opening and closing. You closed your eyes again, the aftershocks still coursing through your body.

Opening them again slowly, you saw Lewis walk towards you, towel in hand, and a lazy smile on his face. He gently cleaned your thighs, finishing with kisses on both of them. He reached up and wiped your torso, which was gleaming with a thin layer of sweat, before running the towel over your nose, cheeks, eyes and mouth. He dropped the towel in the clothes hamper near the bathroom door, pulling on his boxer shorts and and pulling out one of his t shirts from the cupboard. "What about the clothes on the floor" you piped up, finally beginning to wake up from your post pleasure state. "When did it get so messy?" He said, spotting 5 different clothing items in 5 different corners of the room. "When you decided to run your hand up my dress in a restraunt" you replied, throwing him a fake glare.

"You liked it" was his cocky reply, smirk spreading over his face as you flushed and ran a hand through your hair. "I did not" you lied, watching as he raised his eyebrows. "Oh really ? Thats not what you were saying 5 minutes ago- oh wait, you weren't saying anything at all. You were too busy moaning my name to say anything else-" "OKAY fine I loved it. Now shut up and bring your fine ass back for cuddles"

*-*-*

That was a month ago. Now you've been away for nearly one and half months, away with the girls on the LM5 tour. You loved touring, it was the best part of being a singer, getting to see the music you girls made together come to life on a stage in front of thousands and thousands of screaming fans. It was a thrill like no other. The only problem was that you were away from home. Distance was never an issue for the two of you, after all, he was a Formula 1 driver. It was very rare that he was home, except during the breaks and the gaps till race weekend, but ever since you two had started dating, he tried to be with you whenever you could. Sometimes, your shows would be in places where the races were too, and then he'd definitely turn up. But it was a difficult thing to do all the time, and some nights on tour were spent pulling all nighters as you talked to each other on the phone, till one of you eventually fell asleep.

But you knew when you started dating him, this wouldn't exactly be a regular relationship. The two of you were doing your dream jobs, and they were both extraordinary. And you were willing to put in the work you had to put in to make the relationship work, and you did. Yet here you were in Madrid, feeling heartbroken and desperately wanting your boyfriend by your side. It had been a rough couple of weeks, you were jet lagged and tired, and although this was the second leg of the tour, and you had had a break, it was tiring. It was hard going to bed every night alone, when all you wanted was to cuddle your boyfriend.

Little did you know, Lewis was feeling the same. In fact he had missed you so much, he had told Angela and his publicist to cancel all events for a week, while he flew out to Madrid to see you. He had missed you, he had missed you more than he could put into words. But he also wanted to surprise you. Pulling out his phone, he scrolled down to Leigh Anne's contact, and sent her a text.

Lewis, Leigh Anne

Hey. Is Y/N asleep ?

Hey! No, she's in an outfit fitting.

Okay that's good. I need your help with something.

Sure how can I help ?

I want to surprise her by coming to see you guys in Madrid.

Oh thats wonderful ! She's been a little down in the dumps. I think she misses you.

I miss her too.

Let me know when, and I'll send a car to pick you up.

I'll be there on Saturday. Landing at 3:15 and I should be at the hotel by 4:30. Then I can get ready and surprise her at the show.

Okay done. I'll send the car around 5:30,so you can rest for a bit. You should be here by 6. The show's at 6:15.

Thank you! Can't wait : )

I'm so happy youre coming to see her ! I'll let the girls know.

*-*-*

As soon as he had finished texting, Lewis decided to start packing, the prospect of seeing you again sending a buzz of happiness running along his veins. God, he had missed you a lot. He turned to Roscoe, the dog sitting by his feet, looking up at his dad with his head cocked to one side. "I'm going to go see Mumma, Roscoe" he explained, smiling as the doggo barked in response. He wouldn't be able to take him to Madrid, he'd have to leave him with a dog sitter, but he couldn't feel too bad about it, since he had had Roscoe with him even when you were gone. And besides, Roscoe enjoyed the dog creche. He couldn't wait for Saturday.

Later in the evening, he sat down with a glass of wine, while the ringtone of your FaceTime rang through the empty house. After a few more seconds of ringing, the call was picked up, your tired face coming into view. "Hi darling" he said, noticing the tiredness in your eyes, and how much you were struggling to keep them open. "Hi bubs. Did you finish eating?" You asked, rubbing your eyes. "No, I've ordered soup" (did anyone get the reference ;) "Oh okay" was the reply. "What about you? What time is it?" "Its 9:20 AM" you replied, gently rubbing your eyes again, forcing yourself to stay awake.

"9:20? Thats pretty late baby. Why are you still sleepy?" "We were recording till 4 AM, so Im functioning on like 5 hours sleep right now" "Oh damn. Go back to sleep then baby" "Can't, rehearsal" was you reply, making him furrow his eyebrows. "Okay I guess. But don't tire yourself out" "I won't" "I love you" he said, smiling at you. "I love you"

*-*-*-*

The Madrid show was always a fun one. The fans were loud and you loved it. They were one of the best crowds you girls ever played for, and the show had its own adrenaline and excitement. But it was difficult to give a 100% when you were tired, but you really tried, you did. During Power, you hit highnotes you didnt think you could, during Woman Like Me you danced like there was no tomorrow. During Wasabi, you brought your sass level up to a 1000. It was during Bounce Back that you caught sight of a very familiar face in the audience. Unable to actually grasp if you had actually seen Lewis, you turned to Jade, who was on your side, and looked back at the crowd and back to her, asking for confirmation.

The smirk she gave you was answer enough. After that, focusing on giving an excellent performance increased tenfold. Every swirl of your hips, every flip of your hair, every wink you threw at the audience, it was all five times sexier. In the crowd, your boyfriend was well aware of what you were doing, and it was fair to say that you were succeeding at it. He could feel an uncomfortable sensation around his pants region, as his cock twitched uncomfortably in his pants. He couldn't wait till the show was over, and you two could have a show of your own.

*-*-*

"That was amazing darling!" Lewis said, spotting the 5 of you in your dressing room. "Oh look its Mr. Loverboy!" Perrie said, cackling as you rolled your eyes at her, before running up to your lover and jumping into his arms. "Hiya Bub! I missed you!" "I missed you too love. That's why I surprised you. I couldn't stand another day without you at home" he said, wrapping his arms around your waist to keep you stable as you jumped into his arms. A chorus of "awws" echoed throughout the room, as the girls watched your cute little interaction. What wasn't cute however was the comment Lewis made in your ear, hiding his face in your ear so that the girls couldn't see. "I can't wait to get back to the hotel. I saw the performance you were putting on for me baby. You have no idea how hard I got, how uncomfortable I was standing in front of so many people when all I really wanted to do was fuck you"

You could feel your mouth become dry, and your heartbeat quicken, and you could feel the area between your thighs become wet. You tightened your grip around him, letting your crotch rub against his very softly. "I think it's time to go" you mumbled against his ear. "Okay girls, as lovely as it was to see you, I think it's time we go back to the hotel. I'm pretty worn out from travelling as well" "Yeah I'm pretty tired too" you replied, faking a large yawn. "Alright then, we'll see you guys tomorrow!" Leigh Anne said, leaning forward to give you a hug. After you finished hugging all the girls, the two of you made your way to the car, eagerly waiting to get back home.

The car ride home was tense. The tension was apparent in the air, reverberating through the air, choking you in a way you revelled in. The air was thick with tension, and it was suffocating you in the best way possible. It was almost too much to take. When the hotel came into sight, you practically leapt out of the car, and rushed to the door, an equally ruffled Lewis beside you. But he was not going to give in to you so easily. He enjoyed seeing you flustered. And he was not a person that gave someone what they wanted when they asked for it,no. He was going to have you desperate for it. Smirking to himself, he made his way to the reception, grabbing you by the waist as he went.

Throwing him a confused look you followed, slightly frustrated. "Hello sir, how can I help you?" the man at the reception asked, eyes going slightly wide as he recognized the two of you. "Hi! I just wanted to ask, till what time is your pool and spa open?" He asked, sliding his hand down to the back of your dress. "The pool closes at 10 pm sir, and the spa at 9 pm. We open the pool at 7 am and the spa at 11pm"he replied, struggling to maintain his professionalism as he spoke to one of the best drivers in Formula 1. "Alright thank you. And what time does breakfast start?" Lewis asked, hand pressing down on your ass, ever so discreetly. "Breakfast is from 6-10 am sir" "Thank you so much"

Next to him, you were fuming. Of course he was going to ask questions to which he already knew the answers to. A painful throb between your legs made you let out a small whimper, and the man at the reception looked at you with concern in his eyes. "Ma'am are you alright?" He asked, eyeing your stiff posture and tense state. "Yes, just tired, thank you" you replied, a little stiffly, but it was hard to concentrate when Lewis's promise of fucking you senseless kept replaying in your mind. "Alright then, good night" Lewis said, biting back a smirk at your flustered state. He knew getting you all riled up would lead to some seriously earth shattering sex, and he couldn't wait. But first, he definitely wanted to tease you, to push you over the edge, just a little more.

Your room was on the 16th floor, and as the two of you made your way into the elevator, he eyed you up and down, eyes lingering on the curve of your breasts. The minute the door shut, he pushed you against the wall, capturing your lips in a steamy kiss you'd be remembering the next day. His hands moved to your ass, squeezing hard, eliciting a moan from your lips. The moment your lips parted, he was pushing his tongue into yours, his other hand coming up to pull on your hair roughly, relishing in the gasp that left your lips. As suddenly as he started, he stopped, pulling back and standing almost nonchalantly against the wall.

Trying to wrap your head around what happened, you gripped the wall with your hand, feeling your legs grow weak to a point where you felt like you couldn't stand on your own. You could feel your wetness dripping, threatening to run down your thighs, as the throbbing became even more painfully exciting. You looked down at the floor, eyes closing as your frustration grew more and more by the second. Finally, with a little 'ding', the elevator stopped at the 16th floor. The moment the door opened you stepped out on wobbly legs, trying your best to walk properly. But of course, that wasn't going to happen. As you turned one long corridor, Lewis suddenly grabbed your waist, pushing you against the wall again, to reach down and suck on your neck. You let out a gasp, and tried to run your crotch against his, but the retaliated with a slap to your ass, smirking when a high pitched moan left your lips. Lifting you up against the wall, he mumbled against your ear "the key card" your clouded mind was unable to process the words, too consumed by slight relief you were getting. "Get the key card baby" he repeated. This time you noted it, reaching down to his pants pocket to pull out the key card. You couldn't resist running your hand over his cock, feeling how rock hard he was. The thought of him fucking you senseless returned, and you let out a groan.

Grabbing the card from your hand, he opened the door, propping you up against the door in your bedroom. His eyes were filled with a raw, animal desire, as he dropped the card on the floor and reached up to unzip your dress. He ripped the zipper down, your dress falling to the floor in a crumpled heap. He locked his eyes on your heaving chest, hand reaching up to grab your chin, pulling you in for a searing kiss. His hand slid up your torso, reaching behind to unhook the red lacy bra you were wearing, letting it drop to the floor as he took in the glorious sight in front of him. You waited, wanting him to just touch you, but he just stared, eyes looking into yours, clearly saying "beg for it"

You couldn't help the soft "please" that left your lips, too desperate for some sort of touch. "Please what?' Lewis said, tightening his grip on your waist. "Please" was all you could say again, nearly whimpering again at the rough look in his eyes. "Use your words baby. Now, please what?" "Please just touch me!" You finally gasped out, moaning loudly when he licked a stripe down your chest before taking your right tit into his mouth. His hand fondled the left one, running his thumb over your erect nipple, the rough pad of his thumb sending shockwaves of pleasure through your body. His mouth sucked on the skin of your tit, before moving down to bite down on your nipple. You gasped again, pain and pleasure coursing through your body as his tongue ran over your nipple over and over till it nearly felt raw. He switched his actions, moving his mouth to your left tit instead, letting his hand harshly fondle the other. He continued the same process of biting, licking and sucking, till he was satisfied with himself. "I fucking love this baby. Seeing you all wet and needy for me. So what do you want? My mouth? My fingers? My cock? Or does my baby want them all ?" He asked, watching as your pupils dilated and you let out a strangled moan.

You let your crotch rub against his thigh, gasping when the friction went straight to your core. "Look at you darling. I asked you what you what you wanted, and you picked my thighs? Well, I want to see you dripping. I want to see you cum on my fingers, my mouth, my thighs and especially on my cock. I'm going to make you cum over and over and over again till you can't even stand on your own fucking legs. I want your thighs to be shaking around my head. I want to see you moan and groan and scream my name so loud, by tomorrow everyone in this hotel will know my name, because you'll spend all night screaming it" you moaned again, his words going straight to your core."Please Lewis, God, just make me cum please!" The desperation of your cry was enough for him to carry you to the bed, dropping your body onto the soft mattress.

He pulled of shirt, unbuttoning every button so you could see him do it. He could see your eyes grow dark, as his compass tattoo came into sight. You had told him it was one of your favourites, and he had used it against you ever since you had told him that. Smirking at you, he climbed onto the bed, lying down between your legs. You pushed yourself up against the headboard, spreading your legs wide for him. His eyes grew dark, as your core came into his view, shimmering with your juices. A near animalistic growl left his mouth, the sound hitting your core. He moved so that he was situated right in front of your core. He let his eyes take in the sight of you in front of him, snapping back to reality when you let out a groan of frustration. Throwing you a devilishly reassuring smile, he inched neared and nearer, till his nose was nearly touching your clit. Then he just lay there. Not moving. You could feel your heartbeat hammering against your chest, chest heaving up and down, an alarming intense feeling growing in your tummy. Finally, when it became too much you let out a small scream of frustration "Oh for fucks sake Lewis please just fuck me!" Your outburst brought a smile to his face. "Oh I will. Just not yet" and with that, he ran a finger along your slit, before finally slipping it into you. You let out a moan, finally getting the friction you had been desperate for. His fingers circled your clit, thumb gently pressing down, before he removed it,only to slam it back down on your sensitive clit, earning a scream of pleasure from you.

He slipped a second finger into you, scissoring around your clit, as your desperate cries of "oh, oh baby! Fuck, fuck lewis-" were lost in the heat of the moment. He leaned his head down to your core, letting his tongue run along your slit too, before licking around it, collecting your wetness on his tongue, before letting it harshly circle your clit. You bucked up into his mouth, feeling his tongue wrap around your clit. He sucked the nub harshly, his fingers still moving in and out of you. "Oh God, Oh GOD, Lew-I- oh! Oh God!" Your broken moans were music to his ears as he sucked your clit into his mouth. You could feel a strange intensity growing in your stomach, feeling a lot stronger than your usual orgasm. The band in your tummy was threatening to snap, but you needed that something more to help it snap. That something more came when Lewis sucked your clit into his mouth, letting it rest in between his teeth, before flicking it with his tongue.

With a cry of "Oh fucking hell, Lew-" you camr gushing into his mouth, your juices coating his fingers and gushing onto his tongue, as he let you ride out your orgasm on his deadly skilled tongue. Well, he had got his wish. Your thighs were shaking around his head, as your body tried to come to terms with the intensity of the pleasure coursing through your body. Looking down, you saw him with his painfully hard cock, grinding down on the sheet, as he let out a moan at the relief the bedsheets gave him. Raising an eyebrow, you patted your thigh, signaling him to come over to you. "You loved on me so well bubs. But I can see how hard you are. Do you want to use me to get off?" You asked, watching the effect you had on him. All he could do was nod, as you sat up on your knees. "Stand up" you ordered, getting up from the bed as well.

You walked over to the wall, letting your body rest against it. Somewhat confused, Lewis followed you, standing in the space between your legs. "I tried to get off using your thighs didn't I? I think you'll enjoy it as much as I did. So use me. Use my thigh. Get off" looking at you in pure shock, your boyfriend moved forward, groaning when you pushed your leg against his throbbing cock. He relished in the friction, slowly beginning to move against your leg, moaning when he began to rub against your leg. He began to hump your leg faster, as the pleasure began to build up in his body, before you reached your hand down to cup his length in your hands, moaning when you realized your fingers didn't quite meet. You ran your fingers along his length. You pumped him, letting your thumb circle his sensitive tip, eliciting a soft whine from him. You circled faster, moving down to your knees, and letting your tongue run up his shaft very softly. Above you, Lewis slammed his hands against the wall, groaning when you took him into your mouth.

But a part of him still wanted to cum inside when he was fucking you (in a condom, because wrap it before you tap it) so he pulled you back up, smirking when you whined. "I know baby, but I just really wanna fuck you now. Back on the bed please, unless you want me to take you here against this wall" practically running, you clambered onto the bed. You watched as Lewis pulled out a condom, ripping the packet open before climbing back on top of you. He let his hand rest on your hip, eyes temporarily losing some of the animalistic need that had been present in them. Leaning down, he connected your lips together in a kiss, a searing, intense kiss that took your breath away. "Ready love?" He asked, looking into your eyes, looking to see if there was even a slight hint that you didn't want this. But you did.

With a sudden jolt, he thrust himself into you, groaning when your warm walls clamped down on him. His hips thrust into you, starting off slow, letting you adjust to his massive length. "My sweet baby,taking me so well. Does it feel good?" You couldn't even respond, mouth agape, as his the pace of his thrusts increased. "Answer me" he said, suddenly stopping. Almost crying out at the loss of pleasure, you looked at him with desperation. "Yes yes, fuck it feels so good, please don't stop!" "Thats all you had to say baby" he said, before pushing in again, slowly. Then, he pulled back out. Looking at him in confusion, you gasped when he slammed back into you, a high pitched moan of "Lewis!" leaving your lips. He moved so that he had a better hold of your hips, rocking the both of you back and forth, the intensity of his thrusts was so much that the bed knocked back against the wall. What he wasn't expecting was for you to take his left thumb up to your mouth, running your tongue over it before sucking on it.

Moaning, he started thrusting into you even harder, shifting so that he was directly hitting your g spot. "Oh, God ! Oh fuck, Baby that feels so good please keep going keep-oh!" The cry that left your lips was so loud, you were sure Perrie in the room next to yours had heard you. "Fuck baby, you take me so well" Lewis said, as he nearly hammered your g spot. He was so, so damn close to cumming, and when you leant up and bit a sensitive spot on his neck, he came, gushing into the guard between you two, but he wanted you to cum to, so he reached down to pinch and rub your clit, still riding out his orgasm in you, moaning when you came with a scream. He winced when your core spasmed on his sensitive cock, and he pulled out slowly, before collapsing next to you. Panting, you curled up to him, letting your hand rest on his compass tattoo. "Okay that was Godlike" you said, earning a tired laugh from your lover.

"Yeah it really was. I missed you" he said, allowing you to nuzzle into his neck, leaning down to press a kiss to your forehead. "I missed you too" you replied, kissing the tattoo. "I love you too" As you lay there together, still revelling in the moment, your phone buzzed. Reaching over to check it, you saw your groupchat with the girls flooding with messages.

-*-*-

Perrie 🧚🏻‍♀️ - Y/N, I'm filing a noise complaint. 🍆

Jade ✨ - Pez 😂 let them be. It's been a while for her.

Leigh 🦋- She really got some tonight huh? 😏

Perrie 🧚🏻‍♀️- LOL she did !! And it was obviously some goooood 'some' *wink wink*

Jade ✨- I could hear em too, and Im on the other end of the hall.

Leigh 🦋 - I know I did too! Must be some damn good sex. 😏

Perrie 🧚🏻‍♀️ - Go Y/N !!

Jade ✨ - Can't wait till she reads this.

Perrie 🧚🏻‍♀️ - Are they still going?!

Leigh 🦋 - No 😂 she's reading the messages. Y/N!! Yoohoo!

You - yes I'm here 🖕🏽

Jade ✨ - Did you have fun babe 😏

You - ..... yes

Perrie 🧚🏻‍♀️ - babe you can't really say no because we heard you

You- Im not saying I didn't have fun. But you guys need to calm down.

Leigh 🦋 - But its funnn

You - okay byeeee ❤

Perrie 🧚🏻‍♀️ - Going for a round 2 😏?

You - okay I said bye.

Leigh 🦋 - she is !!

Jade ✨ - Go babe !

You - I need to leave this group.

Perrie 🧚🏻‍♀️ - No we love you !! ❤

Leigh 🦋 - Yeah don't leave us ❤

Jade ✨- Don't leave meee ! ❤

You - Haha I'd never leave you girls ❤ now bye.

Jade ✨ - bye babe !

Perrie 🧚🏻‍♀️ - bye you sexy minx 😏

Leigh - bye hun 💙

*-*-*

Smiling to yourself, you put your phone away, to see Lewis looking at you with a raised eyebrow. "Who was it?" "Just the girls" you said, cuddling back up to him. "What did they say?" Giggling, you looked up to him and kissed his neck. "They said they're going to file a noise complaint. And they asked me if we were going for a round two" "Were we really that loud?" He asked, looking at you in surprise. "Yeah, even Leigh heard us and she's at the end of the hall!" "Damn" Lewis said laughing. "Well," he said, looking at you again, with a cheeky look in his eye, "they were right about one thing" "And what is that?" You asked, smiling at him mischievously. "We are going for a round two"

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

@maxverstappenx @grandestrategia (because you are worth it 🦋💙)

#lewis hamilton #formula 1 #f1 #sir lewis #lewis hamilton x reader #lewis hamilton x reader smut #lewis hamilton smut #lewis hamilton imagines #lewis hamilton imagine #f1 imagines #f1 imagine #f1 smut #f1 drivers x reader #f1 drivers imagines #f1 drivers smut #littlemix!reader #little mix 🙌🏼🦋#little mix

571 notes · View notes

dari-ede · 2 years ago

Text

In the Middle of the Night: Chapter 17 (M)

Chapter 17: "Tus besos partenecen a mi vida"

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

MASTERLIST

Summary: As Bangtan prepares for a new chapter in their lives, they head to their private property in the forest for a songwriting workshop. As a songwriter and producer they have worked with for years, I’m asked to tag along. I was ready for the heavy workload and small amount of sleep during the workshop week. However, I wasn’t ready for the storm that came that changed my friendship with Namjoon forever.

Pairing: Idol!RM/Namjoon x OFC

Genre: Friends to Lovers, Fluff and Smut

Rating: M (explicit language, scenes)

Status: COMPLETE

Warning: towel grinding/humping, light nipple/breast play, morning/wall sex, cum on skin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the sound of running water that woke me early the next morning. I felt a little confused about where I was for a moment, but after opening my eyes and noticing the decorum of the room I was in, I remembered. Beautiful artwork was posted on the walls, along with some KAWS pieces on one of the shelves. While I had only been inside this room less than twelve hours, I knew the person who inhabited it well enough to never doubt who the room belonged to.

Despite our friendship and closeness, I had never seen the inside of Namjoon’s room. Last night I was far too occupied to pay attention to it. Concluding that the sound of running water was coming from the attached bathroom, I figured Namjoon was showering. That meant I had an opportunity to take a good look at his private quarters.

I wasn’t planning on snooping into his closed cabinets, but anything out in the open was up for looking into, right? Mischievously and curiously, I shuffled out of the bed. A soreness was felt throughout my inner thighs and pussy. It felt like I had an intense workout at the gym. I was going to need a shower myself.

Once the covers came off me, I felt an instant chill. I cursed my Latina blood for how quickly my body got cold. I searched around to find something I could put on.

Noticing an oversized hoodie on a corner chair, I pulled it on without hesitation. I took notice of my panties on the floor and picked them up. However, I noticed the dry residue on it from last night. I let them fall back to the ground and settled with only having the hoodie around me. My overnight bag was by the front door of the house. I could go and grab my bag, but I wanted to take advantage of my alone time and look around the room.

Wrapping my arms around myself, I walked around the room and snooped around. I found sweet, personal, and random items. Odd Pokémon objects were all over the room. A few baseball caps were tossed to a corner, along with a couple of Rolexes and other expensive jewelry. It was no secret that Namjoon tended to toss things instead of putting them in their proper place. I smiled at his habit. There were a couple of photos of the guys and several of his family and dog, Rapmon. One frame of Rapmon in particular caught my attention. It wasn’t a photo I had taken last Christmas while I spent the holiday with the Kim family. Seeing the white American Eskimo always squeezed my heart. He was the sweetest dog.

“Are you snooping around to see what to steal from me?” came a timbre voice from behind.

I turned to find a tall, wet, and gorgeous man standing between the bathroom and bedroom. Sadly, he had a towel wrapped around his waist, so I couldn’t drool over his nice-sized member like I had last night.

“The only thing I would like to steal from you is that towel,” I said, openly staring at him like he was a nice piece of steak.

His shy dimples appeared. His eyes then raked over me in return. He stayed quiet, but I could hear a change in his breathing. There was a frown on his face as he stared at my lower half. I cocked my hip against his dresser and crossed my legs, knowing full well the angle was going to make the hoodie rise higher. I was certain he was asking himself if I had anything underneath. I liked the thought of him marinating in that question.

There was a strong inhale but he cleared his throat. “How’d you sleep?” he asked, pulling his eyes away.

“Real good. It felt like I was asleep for 10 hours,” I answered honestly.

He looked a little surprised. “We only slept four hours. Once you fell asleep, I was sure you were going to be out for a lot longer.”

“Why?”

He gave a half chuckle. “You were practically snoring.”

“For real?” I asked, shocked but finding it funny.

He nodded.

I let out a laugh. “Shit, I guess I was that worn out.”

I hadn’t meant to make it sound kinky, but the blush on Namjoon’s cheeks and how he turned away let me know he had taken it that way. Well, I couldn’t blame him for thinking that. It had been a long night. And I became mindful of the soreness my body felt. However, seeing him dripping wet made me want to brush aside my discomfort and go another round with him.

I was sure my horniness was due to having gone so long without sex. I had always had a healthy sex life, but since my last relationship, I had gone through a very long and dry spell. There had been a couple of sex partners in between, but neither of them had left me satisfied. It was nice to have a partner who actually knew what they were doing like Namjoon continued to prove.

“I know it’s a little early, but if you’re hungry, we can order breakfast,” he said, wanting to bring the conversation back to normalcy.

But I wanted to stay on topic: the implication of sex. I cocked my head to the side and sent him a flirtatious smile. “I’m hungry alright, but I don’t think room service has what I’m craving.”

Namjoon let out a noise as he allowed his eyes to reach mine. I could see his pupils become darker, hungrier. “What would that be?”

I made my way over to him, slowly. “Something warm. I’m a little cold.”

The dragon eyes looked down at my chest and legs, a groan-type noise coming out of him. “That hoodie not working for you?”

I was about an arm’s length away from him, having reached the wall that divided the bathroom and bedroom. I leaned on it and gave him a pout as I shook my head slowly.

Namjoon took a step towards me, his massiveness making me feel like a tiny creature. “I can warm you up,” he said in that deep, gruff voice that never failed to send shivers down my body.

“Yeah?” I let out in form of a tiny whine.

He came forward, towering over me. “We’ll keep the hoodie on. Wouldn’t want you to get cold,” he said deeply into my ear as his large palm stroked the small of my back, pulling my skin against his. His other hand came down to the back of my thigh and lifted it slowly, parting my legs so he could snuggle in between them.

My body automatically responded to his. My leg hooked onto his hip. Instantly, I rubbed my center against the towel that was still covering him.

His head moved from my neck and stared down at me as I worked my pussy on his towel, getting myself off.

I rotated my hips and I found a sweet angle and position that felt delicious; however, I began to crave more. Another whine escaped me, asking him, pleading with him.

Namjoon didn’t respond, though, he continued to only watch me. He was getting aroused watching me fuck myself on his towel. But I needed him to be doing something, not just watching.

I decided to use my words. “Namjoon,” I let out in pout, my thrusts becoming more desperate against him. I wanted the damn towel off. Now.

Both of his large hands caressed my waist, his thumbs stroking my skin. “Tell me,” he said. His voice was so low and soft, I could barely hear him.

“Touch me,” I pleaded.

His hands moved up my waist, going up the hoodie and reaching my tits.

My eyes moved to his face and watched him as his fingers took hold of my nipples. Using his thumbs and forefingers, he pinched each peak, causing me to let out a screech of arousing pain. I balanced myself on his shoulders and I brought my other leg around his hip.

He stepped closer, pushing me right up against the wall. He moved his hips against me, the towel rubbing my now wet cunt. The friction felt nice, but still not enough.

“More,” I let out, close to tears from the teasing.

His hand took my entire breast and squeezed as his other hand continued to pinch my nipple. “Tell me, girl. What do you want?”

You, I wanted to answer. But knew he was wanting specifics. “Fuck me.”

He thrust harder against my core, pushing me harder onto the wall. The liquid dripping off his body was no longer water but sweat.

My lower lips trembled and grew wetter at the pressure. “Your cock. I need it. Please,” I let out, clutching onto his arms as my hips moved frantically against him.

Finally, using one hand, he pulled the towel off. My eyes stayed down, absorbing the beautiful view below me.

His cock stood straight up, hard and craving attention. He quickly licked his fingers and brought them to my hot center.

At his touch, I felt a gush of slick come down my pussy.

There was a clear look of shock on his face as he worked three fingers easily inside me. “You’re already so wet,” he let out under his breath.

I circled my hips, maneuvering his digits to a different angle inside me.

The new position caused a sharp intake of breath from him. “Shit, your gonna kill me.” He took his member in his hand and brought it to my lower lips. He slapped my pussy a couple of times with it, causing me to shiver. Then we both watched as the head entered my core and slowly disappeared inside of me. Because of the angles our bodies were in, a small outline of his cock could be seen rubbing against my flat tummy. The view caused both of us to moan.

“That’s hot,” he grunted, pushing in more, not stopping until his entire cock was fully inside.

A sharp pain shot down my thighs and center, signaling to me my body had not yet recovered from last night’s activities. But the pleasure I felt inside overpowered any discomfort.

My arms went around Namjoon as I let my hips fall, loving how full he made me feel. I had fucked big dicks before—a couple bigger than Namjoon’s. But there was something about his cock that overshadowed the others. The thick vein under his shaft hit the right small spots in me. His mushroom-shaped head had a small curve that tended to graze my walls in sweet torture. And the way he thrust made his balls slap my ass in a way that caused me to think of how great he would feel inside my other hole.

He pushed in and out of me, creating a sweet rhythm that I quickly matched. Knowing my body very well, I arched my back so he could hit a special spot.

His fingers dug into my thighs as he looked down at where we were joined.

Sweat dripped off him, falling onto my throbbing clit. I brought my fingers to it, giving it attention.

At seeing my fingers join in on the fun, he let out a deep grunt and pushed in a little harder.

“Fuck!” I wailed out, clutching onto his arm.

His thrusts become erratic; he was close.

I squeezed him, my movements becoming wilder as well, especially when his fingers pushed mine away so he could play with me.

“I’m gonna cum,” I let out, my head feeling light.

“Me too. Where do you want it?” he asked, stepping even closer and rutting me.

My limbs gripped every part I could. “Wherever.”

He forced my back fully to the wall, his chest pressing against mine. His fingers pinched my sensitive button.

“Namjoon! I’m close!” I wasn’t going to last and I dug my nails into his back, trying to hold onto the feeling for as long as possible.

“Let go,” he ordered deeply into my ear, his fingers at full speed against me.

My body sang around his, my legs and arms shaking and falling apart.

He continued to thrust inside me erratically until my body felt like jelly. Then, once I began to see color again, he pulled out and jerked off against my belly. After a few strokes, hot, white, milk squirted out of him, landing mostly on my stomach, some reaching my breasts and a few drops on my chin.

His breath had become erratic and heavy. His body fell slightly on me and I held onto his slippery, sweaty body. My lips reached over and touched as much skin as they could reach.

A solid moment later, he came down from his own high. “I’m gonna need another shower,” he let out.

I felt his heart rate slowing down as my palm caressed his chest. “Me first, though. I’m still crusty from yesterday.”

He smiled down at me. “Wanna take one together?”

I let out a giggle. “Don’t tempt me. If we do that, my legs won’t be able to go on that bike ride.”

He let out a groan, holding me closer. “You’re right. I really don’t want to be one of those couples whose relationship is based solely on sex.”

A moan escaped me, thinking of the pair of us only being in bed. My mind loved it, but my thighs and cunt shivered at the idea. “As much as I would love to be that couple, my body couldn’t handle it. I’m already feeling sore.”

Instantly at saying this, Namjoon’s hands became softer and more careful, massaging whatever part of my body he could reach. “Let me draw you a bath then.”

I shook my head. “I do that and I’m falling asleep in that tub.”

“Maybe tonight then,” he said invitingly, a sparkle in his eye.

I let out a chuckle. “There’s no way I could stay another night.”

“Why not?” he asked incredulously.

‘Because then I’ll never see my house’, I wanted to answer. I knew if I overstayed my welcome at Namjoon’s house, it would be hard to leave it. It was genuinely a worry of mine with all of my other boyfriends. I had a rule about no sleepovers more than two days a week. I didn’t find it healthy to see my significant other that often. It caused too much dependence.

However, I knew it would sound too harsh to Namjoon, so I decided to go with a half-truth. “My body will refuse to leave the bed tomorrow if I stay here. I have a meeting with Sihyuk first thing tomorrow. Don’t think he’ll appreciate it if I cancel.”

Namjoon frowned at the news. “I didn’t know you were meeting with him.”

“We finally bumped into each other on Thursday after I left your studio. I forgot to mention it. He asked for my earliest availability.”

He was quiet for a moment, deep in thought.

“What?” I asked, curious.

Namjoon shook his head slightly. “Nothing. How about you take your shower and I’ll order us a light breakfast? That way we can still leave at a decent hour.” He showed me his dimples, a weakness I was sure he had discovered about me.

I made a mental note of pushing him on the matter later on.

“Ok,” I said, turning to the restroom. As I made my way to the shower, I took the ends of Namjoon’s hoodie and pulled it off me, tossing it to the side. I was positive Namjoon had his eyes on me. The moan coming from the bedroom confirmed it. I too was discovering Namjoon’s weaknesses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning, I made my way through HYBE. I took a sip of my triple shot Americano as the elevator doors to his floor opened. While I had not slept over at Namjoon’s house, I didn’t leave his place until 2 AM. I was functioning at a low amount of sleep.

Once outside Bang Sihyuk’s door, I advised one of his assistances that were outside his office of my presence and waited patiently.

Sihyuk was quick to answer, coming out of his room and welcoming me with a smile.

I walked into the room and to his desk, sitting down once Sihyuk invited me to.

Sihyuk took a seat on the opposite side of his desk. “Thank you for meeting me with me today.”

“Thank you for inviting me,” I responded.

“How’s the new music coming along?” he asked, quick to get to the point.

I gave a hesitated nod. “Good. Still working on tracks.”

“What are your plans or desires with this new music? Are you hoping for an EP, mixtape, or full-length album?”

“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully. “I’m sort of taking it one track at a time.”

“Are you planning to find an agency to help fund it?”

I shrugged slightly. “We’re looking. Nothing is set in stone, though.”

“I honestly was hoping that you were going to take my endless invitations of coming into my office to discuss the next era of your music career, Maya,” Sihyuk said with a warm smile. “Maybe I came off a bit needy or desperate.”

“You never gave that impression,” I said genuinely. “It always felt you were giving a kind offer.”

He gave a slight nod. “I’m glad. But then I guess the question needs to be asked: why not consider us to be your new home? We have had a solid rapport. I don’t believe we have ever come across any bad quarrels—we’ve had disagreements that we’ve worked through, but we always have been professional with one another.”

“We have,” I agreed.

“So, what is it that we need to do to convince you that we are the right company for you?” There was a mixture of calmness and seriousness in him.

He had the perfect demeanor that made me feel relaxed enough, to be honest with him. “Sihyuk-sii, I am very grateful to the company for the many projects it has given me. It has been a company I have little to no complaints about. However, I have my reservations about signing with a corporation this new. While Big Hit is not new, HYBE is. I have love for HYBE, but it is too new for comfort. Also—and I mean this with no disrespect—the main income coming in depends on one group. If anything were to happen to them, what becomes of the other artists?”

It was a reality everyone in the company knew. The corporation existed because of eight individuals: Bangtan and PD Bang. They were the reason for the success. Without them, this company was nothing. I didn’t follow sports too much but knew that the biggest mistake a franchise could do was build a team around one individual. Because if that main star hurt his Achilles heel, the team was fucked. If I signed with HYBE, what would become of me once the guys went on to enlist in the army?

Sihyuk was quiet for a long moment and looked in deep thought. After a long moment, he spoke. “There are details I cannot share with you, but I can say a few things. One, is that there is a plan in place to start a subsidiary in America. It is set to sign a talented girl group and launch them in America. We are hoping for success there, and then plan to expand them globally.”

“I know of this already. It’s not exactly a secret,” I said respectfully, not wanting to come off as rude. But everyone in the company knew this, I wasn't sure what the topic of an American group had to do with me.

“What you do not know is that the vision for this girl group is one of high quality. We have one shot of making this work and the company does not want to mess it up. However, I will share with you the second piece of information. The board has talked about bringing in and signing a couple of big, global pop stars to take the pressure off this girl group. This artist or two will bring credibility to our American subsidiary. Discussions of who that artist could be have been discussed, but no one on the board has agreed on anyone. Your name has not been mentioned since they believe you have retired, but between you and me, I would love to throw your name into the fold.”

Sihyuk’s words were leaving me in an almost-shock stage. I didn’t know how to respond.

However, it didn’t matter because Sihyuk wasn’t done. “I believe that if your name was brought up, everyone on the board would immediately agree to it. Once you were selected, you would work as the main star of the subsidiary. As the girls go through training, you would release promotions—music, your own show, merch, Weverse content—build up the credibility for the company, and possibly be a mentor to the girls. I promise to ensure that you have full control and ownership of your music. You will have the final say in what gets released.”

I was used to hearing big, businessmen say the right things to try to lure me, so I wasn’t going to take the bait. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Sihyuk, but I was skeptical. “You can’t promise that. We both know very well that the heads of a label would not be happy with you giving an artist that much control. Even the best and most powerful artists have to bend a little.”

“Not you,” he said with such finality. “You are intelligent, you have talent, and you analyze everything. In the ten-plus years of your career, there’s little to no controversy that follows you. You are careful of your image and that is not going unnoticed.”

Because I had known Bang PD for so long and had gotten closer to him since my move to this country, I wanted to believe him. I thought about it for a moment. I didn’t fully believe him, but there was really only one way I would ever say yes to him. And I knew he would never do it. “You would have to be head of this subsidiary.”

The color fell off his face. “Pardon?”

I repeated myself, watching the look of disbelief on his face remain. “I don’t trust the heads of any company. I’ve had my fair share of venom I had to suck out. But I trust you. I know the kind of man you are. You are honest and respect the craft. I don’t need anyone to be kind to me, but I do need them to be truthful. You’re one of the few businessmen I trust. If I were to consider signing with HYBE, I would need you to be the boss I deal with at the end of the day.”

After a moment of gathering himself, he let out a nervous laugh.

For a while, neither of us spoke.

I didn’t believe Sihyuk would agree to my terms, but I also didn’t have the heart to fully reject him. Signing with a Korean label would not be a wise decision for all the reasons I had listed.

After a few moments, Sihyuk finally spoke. “I will have to heavily consider that. You know that I want to focus more of my time on TXT, which is one of the main reasons why I stepped down as CEO.”

I nodded. I did know this. Another reason why I knew Sihyuk would never agree.

“Do you have any meetings set up with labels?” he asked.

“Kyungsoo is still in discussions with some of them. I think he’s wanting to meet them around the time Bangtan has their LA concerts.”

He let out a sigh. “I’ll get back to you,” he said.

I stood up, excused myself respectfully, and walked out of the room.

Instead of heading to RKive, I went to one of the outside locations of the building, needing fresh air. I needed time to think about what had just occurred.

There was a small voice in my head that was imagining if Sihyuk’s suggestion could work. As I sat down on one of the outside benches, I pondered and thought it fully through. However, I couldn’t.

Sometime later, a warm hand pressed on my back, pulling me out of my head.

I turned to find a concerned-looking Namjoon. I looked around and found several people present. No one seemed to be looking at us, but one couldn’t be too careful.

Namjoon was quick to notice this as well. He made a motion with his head, signaling me to leave with him.

Walking side by side, we headed toward the elevators. I had the urge to reach for his hand, but we were still around too many people. I shoved my hand in my pocket, keeping temptation away.

“You look like you didn’t sleep more than two hours,” he said disapprovingly. “You could have just stayed over instead of leaving so late at night,” he muttered under his breath, away from prying ears.

I sent him a glare. “You’re the one who tried to trick me. You said we would only nap for an hour and that we could then watch a movie so I could leave around midnight. You conveniently forgot to put on your alarm.”

“It was an accident,” he insisted for the umpteenth time.

I still didn’t believe him, but he looked so flustered that I couldn’t stay irritated at him. “Liar.”

He sent me a glare of his own.

“You were trying to seduce me,” I accused jokingly.

It was his turn to chuckle. He, too, couldn’t seem to stay irritated.

We arrived at RKive not long after, kicking off our shoes outside the door.

The moment we were inside, he took my hand and pulled me towards his chair. He sat first then pulled me down to his lap. “How’d it go?” he asked, straightening up in his chair to give me his full attention.

I took a breath, a million thoughts in my mind. I didn’t even know where to begin. It all felt a little overwhelming.

“Come here,” he said as he pulled me to his chest, his arms wrapping me into a warm embrace. His voice was gentle but firm. He wanted to give me comfort because he knew I needed it, but he also knew I needed to verbally let out my thoughts before they ate at me. I thanked the gods for making him my best friend.

“I don’t know even know where to start,” I said truthfully.

“Just start from the beginning of meeting him,” he suggested.

I took a breath and did.

I said everything I wanted to, Namjoon making little to no commentary. He let me just ramble.

After I was done, he simply looked at me. “How you feeling now?”

“A little better,” I said, feeling like a weight had been lifted I didn’t know had been there.

“Come on, let’s get you yogurt,” he said as he lightly tapped my thigh and motioned me to stand up.

“No advice?” I asked, standing up.

Namjoon shook his head. “Nothing to say right now. Sihyuk hasn’t agreed to your terms. Plus, you haven’t met with their other labels yet. How can you compare if there are no offers? I say, don’t fret about it. That’ll be for later.”

We made our way toward the door.

“Did he tell you about this?” I asked. It was one of the many questions I had asked myself once leaving Sihyuk's office, plus there had been the look Namjoon had had on last night that made me suspicious of him keeping something from me.

Namjoon looked a bit hesitant. “In a way,” he said.

I wanted to further question him about it, but he silenced me. “Another time,” he said with finality. “Let’s perk you up with yogurt.”

I let him drag me out of the room. His fingers linked with mine. Because the hall was usually filled with only Bangtan—it was their floor, after all—I moved closer to him and clutched his arm with my other hand. Outside, I wasn’t free to treat him like my boyfriend, but in the places that were safe to do so, I took full advantage of it.

_________________________

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

MASTERLIST

#rm x reader #inthemiddleofthenight #bts fanfic #rm #kim namjoon #secret relationship #friends to lovers #bangtan sonyeondan #bts #fluff and smut #Spotify #namjoon x reader #rm x maya #namjoon fanfic

23 notes · View notes