#good thing i have two days off this week ough.....

[devotion-disorder]

i think i caught a cold again NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[vestaclinicpod]

Audio Drama Sunday - 28th April ✨

Happy Audio Drama Sunday! I started two new shows this week and fell in love with both of them!! 

👻 @tellnotalespod (S2E8.5) ohhhhhh I’m so emotional. The end of this series is going to make me cry so many happy tears, I can just feel it. 

🌲 @hellofromthehallowoods (149) With the description this week, I think I truly realised just how scary-looking the pig man is 😰 Things are looking decidedly down for Shelby and Clem. Eek. God, Valerie!!! She’s such an interesting character because you can literally connect the dots of her trauma but still be slightly disappointed by the consequences on her behaviour! And the poor Mr Greenstreets ☹️ Raj is very Syrensyr coded?? Vincent as a grief counsellor makes me wonder… about who or what Voltaire is…. 

Also, I want the Auditor to be Polly so bad and I want Nikignik to get out of the interrogation by bargaining to reunite him with Yaretzi and Mort - PLEASE. 

🧳 Travelling Light by @monstrousproductions (19) I loved seeing our Traveller stand up for themself!! It’s always so fun to see characters who are usually soft gain a backbone of steel because their core values are tested. And the discussion of the nanobots was so interesting!! The laws on nanobots elsewhere when they are literally required for survival makes the entire person illegal. And we all know that’s not right!!! 

👁️ @malevolentcast (41) I’m thinking that maybe Rafters was an exception that proves the rule… Alexander the owl was creepy as anything and I hated the way he seemed to be guiding them towards the crack in the wall. Now we’re in a possible parallel universe, it feels like all bets are off and I’m scared to even consider what might happen to John and Arthur now! 

⚔️ @camlannpod (8) OUGH. Oh my god. Can’t they just have FIVE MINUTES to RELAX?? I actually snorted out loud at: ‘you’re good with an axe, right’. Pere is a little shit and I love that for them. Morgan!!! 🫨 And Dai!!! I’m so hopeful that starting down this path will lead to good (or, at least, a whole load of shenanigans for S2!) 

🖥️ The Magnus Protocol (13) It’s very interesting to me that we were able to listen in on Sam and Cecilia’s date… how did that work? There’s something here about gambling and chance with this story and the previous one about the dice rolling?? I’m connecting the dots (I’m not connecting shit). 

🌞 Small Victories by @wgc-productions is so good, I wish I’d started listening years ago. I love the 90s sitcom vibe and the intro/outro are so unique. I absolutely love shows that centre around character studies. Marisol’s story is so gripping and I love how the writing takes us right inside her brain as she justifies every decision (good or bad). It’s so clear how loveable she is and how much people around her want her to be okay (mostly), but don’t know *how* to get her to that place given the shit they’re dealing with themselves! I got up to 1.09 so . . . bit of a cliffhanger there!! I’m very excited to see how the story progresses. I’m rooting for you, Tiny!! 

🧋 I started @hinaypod and it’s safe to say that I’m in love already! Listening has given me the same amazing feeling of listening to Desperado - the sensation that the creators have opened up a door to a brand new world and I’m so happy to be in it! I adore Mari. Even from episode one, she has this quiet self-confidence in herself and her skills which is so refreshing. I also really like the horror writing here and I’m really looking forward to delving deeper into this story! 

Hope everyone has a good week! 💙

[sucrows]

https://www.tumblr.com/sucrows/718019701660434432/ough-the-new-crazyb-summer-collab-things-visuals

PLEASE DO IT WOULD BE SO FUNNY

(link to previous post)

alright. doing this hc style because that'd be fun. Also committing a cardinal sin in writing directly into tumblr drafts instead of a second document so lets see how this goes.

uhm "let's see how it goes" it's been almost 5 months since i typed that. writing into drafts is the easiest way to forget about something it seems! Whatever I'll answer this now

and now its been 1 full year since i received this ask and i am only now finishing it up.... not doing graphics or putting this in my masterlist or anything so have fun finding it later on.

Under cut due to length! Primarily sfw with mentions of hooking up

RINNE:

Opens up a dating app profile for the fuck of it while he's really bored, it's not really his style, he'd much rather go out and physically meet someone tbh but why not

Matches with a good amount of people but tends to get bored of conversation with his matches realllly quickly. If he is vibing with someone though he's also really quick to invite them out to a bar or something

If you manage to catch his attention. and you accept his invitation, expect to be dragged around for a whole night of shenanigans

His ideal date is getting lunch, walking around until dark, getting tipsy, then bar hopping. He gets his duties done earlier on in the day so that he can spend the rest of the day with you.

If he ends up not liking you of course, he's not going to spend any more time with you than he has to. He comes up with some random excuse that you both know is bullshit and if you question him, he's not afraid to just tell you with no sugar coating that he's not into you

He'll be flirty and suggestive but he'll probably hold off on actually initiating anything until you either ask him to or make the first move yourself. He doesn't have something against some casual fun. He doesn't really have anywhere to take you back to thought so unless you have your own place, then an alleyway it is

He might actually treat you to a meal as thanks afterwards and just chill with you. After you get up to any kind of fun he's actually pretty calm afterwards.

He won't block you afterwards even if he wasn't really a fan of you. He'll still might hit you up again when he's bored as long as you weren't an explicitly bad lay. There's definitely potential to go from fwbs to lovers with him

Spend enough time with him and then one day he'll just show up and announce you're dating and from then on you'd be stuck with him lol

HIMERU:

So this either goes one of two ways. Either someone else signs him up for a dating app and secures him a date and he gets guilted into now leaving the person hanging OR when out of town he posts a profile with no images of his face just his body to get laid.

In the first scenario, he does his best to seem polite but ultimately disinterested. If you somehow manage to charm him and he has a good time, he'll be pretty conflicted.

He knows it's a really bad idea, but he won't be able to stop thinking about you. He might try to ghost you for a bit in hopes it'll smother whatever interest he had, but it probably doesn't work.

Either he caves when you message him after a good few days or he caves after a week and comes up with some excuse for not responding. From there it's complicated. He's very secretive and honestly it's a red flag but hey if you ignore it that's on you.

If it seems like you can't handle the way he keeps you at an arms-length for a while or that you might be a threat somehow, he will leave you. Most likely via sending a breakup text and then immediately blocking your number.

If we're talking about the second scenario though? His profile is just a pure thirst trap and he swipes on any person who seems like they'd be down for a no strings attached fuck. He's super quick to unmatch or block people if they give him the wrong vibes.

If you fit his criteria and seem like a good fit? He'll invite you to a hotel and spend a few hours with you. After it's all over he'll probably order some food for you both and stay with you until you fall asleep, then he runs off before you wake up.

Depending on how much he liked you and how trustworthy you seemed, he might thank you and promise to text you the next time he's in town orrrr he might also send a goodbye text then block you.

potential for FWB to lovers? would have to really be a slowburn but the potential is there.

NIKI

Ok so Niki is quite busy with his day-to-day life and I can't really see him going out of his way to set up a dating app account. He's another one who probably gets into this from someone else either making him an account or someone else convinces him to do so.

He's pretty liberal with his swiping. He doesn't exactly have a specific goal in mind while he's doing it so he kinda just goes for the ones whose bio makes it seem like they'd get along with him

He's pretty down to go out for a meal with most people relatively quickly but it might take him a bit longer for him to invite somebody out. When he does decide he likes someone enough to invite them out, he's honestly pretty likely to invite them to cafe cinnamon for a treat.

Niki's genuinely a friendly guy and seeks to know someone as a person and a friend before he makes any romantic or sexual moves on anyone. This doesn't mean he wouldn't reciprocate if someone else made the first move though.

If you make a pass at him, he's generally speaking down pretty quickly. Maybe not first date level quickly, but still pretty quickly. He's not really easily embarrassed or a prude by any means so if he likes someone as a person well enough, he doesn't see why not to enjoy himself.

He'll take you back to his place or go with you to yours without much fuss. After you guys have fun, he'll probably try to make some food or raid your kitchen for snacks. He has to feed himself first because of his condition, but he'll always feed you too.

I imagine he's probably bad at reaching out to people first to make plans and often loses track of how long it's been since he last talked to someone, but don't mistake that for disinterest! he's pretty non judgemental and as long as you weren't explicitly an ass, he's very likely to give you a second date.

[iantimony]

twosday

we've got a two-weeker! last week I kept going "ah, I should write my Tuesdaypost", and then it was Saturday. so. ah well.

listening: back on an Astonishing Legends kick! listened to the 2 parters on bloodfalls and The Entity(tm).

Hypoxia - Thomas Giles and the album 'Pulse' that it's on.

the album 'I Will Write Your Song' by Matt Duncan. I should have listened to 'Soft Times' because the songs I have listened to that I like are both on there.

my roommate (listen, I don't live with her any more, but we share pieces of each other's souls so I am going to keep referring to her that way) also got me on these two songs that are major bops. good for Moving and Grooving.

Vois sur ton chemin techno remix by BENNETT

Pedro by Jaxomy

reading: literally so many academic papers. see the misc section.

watching: did a lot of youtube the past two weeks, just gonna post some highlights. a bunch of swell entertainment, not gonna post any one of her vids in specific.

how I reduced my screentime by 80% by reysu: something I've been grappling with is Ough, Too Much Screen, especially considering my day-to-day work is all on the computer too. did implement some of these tips, not sure how much it has helped me considering most of my screentime is on discord and messenger which I don't really want to totally disconnect myself from the same way I have on instagram/fb/etc without too much issue.

the importance of real things by Ted Kutina: I love you physical media

you can't fit your personality in an airport tray by Katie Robinson: some commentary on Style and Personality. not sure if it's just the period of time I grew up in or just something about me inherently or what but I never really had too much issue or thought with the idea of Finding My Style, I just don't buy clothes if they don't spark some joy or serve some purpose.

home organization for chaotic people by Caroline Winkler: found her channel as I overthink exactly where I want to hang up my wall art. she's an interior designer type but I was uncomfortably called out about how she talks about how she used to save every little scrap of anything that someone she loved may have touched out of a sense of guilt. I never really connected that to guilt, but, like, yeah. el oh el. made me think about some of the things I keep around and why.

fall reset guide (that'll actually help get your life together) by morgan Evelyn Cook: really loved the idea of a "morning menu" to replace the idea of a morning routine with.

playing: the biweekly dnd as usual. I have dropped the in-person game I've been playing in for now just because I am stretched too thin. I know this doesn't count but boy have I been thinking about minecraft. need her fr

making: I volunteered to do some drawings for an event my university is hosting in January that I will not be sharing on here because it will make me even more doxxable than normal. this has taken longer than I thought! I am more out of practice painting than I'd assumed so that hurted a bit, and one of the drawings was originally going to be a block print but I rapidly realized that an ink drawing would probably be easier and faster. neither of them are done yet but I have til Friday I think.

anyways I am back in pottery!!! I have made Two ramekins, Two failed ramekins that are teacups now, and a plate! I have never done a plate so that was a cool new thing to do. the real trick was to throw it on a bat and then put the bat in direct sunlight for like an hour before cutting it off.

eating: uhhhhhhh nothing notable really, lots of easy food and trader joes frozens right now because ough. oh wait I tried this bean soup that someone recommended. I forget who. it was. fine. idk it's just beans and garlic so it was just kinda underwhelming. I did get to use my immersion blender tho so that's fun. I have a different bean soup that I will hopefully make and try this week.

misc: dude writing my prelim document is SO SCARY. the introduction specifically is kicking my ass because it's like, "synthesize these papers you've read (and some of which you haven't, oops) into a coherent backstory for why the work you're doing makes sense and is important, for a field you're not technically trained in. also don't make it sound too similar to the thesis of the guy who was working on this project before you. good luck!!"

here is some astronomical happenings in The Corn. see you next week

[fwob]

CAN I PLEASEE PLZ PLS GET UR FIC RECS DUDE (can i also rec one; poly philtatos (the most loved by far)

anything for you anon <3 sorry for taking . checks watch . two days .

under the cut cuz i have . A Few

PROJECT: ICARUS - aka the fic thats been absolutely rotting my brain for the past week . luffy dies at marineford except actually just kidding hes still alive but hes a marine pacifista / seraphim / human weapon now . oops ! please read it its so good the first 2 chapters are fucking BRUTAL

put your faith in what you most believe in - luffy gets sick . sabo's understandably worried . this ones a top contender for my fav op fic . i think abt this one CONSTANTLY

literally every taizi fic . yes all of them . i have read every single op fic theyve published . they're all bangers . no exceptions . but i will specifically recommend the previous fic , as well as this one , this one , this one , this one , and this one

wish by spirit and if by yes - sabo visits the whitebeards on revolutionary business . also a top contender for my fav op fic . i REALLY love this one the dynamic is SO good

i know you by the state of your hands - time travel shenanigans

breathe - luffy has a nightmare and an ensuing panic attack and law calms him down . they chat . VERY good i really like this one . the sequel is also good its linked on the fic

asl in red - this whole series is insane . it starts as like "shanks adopts ASL !!!" and then it just goes completely off the rails . like god whats going on . its great tho

ache in the rain (and remember the wounds) - luffy sees ghosts !

luffy's law - i dont know whats really going on in this fic but i fuck with it . will be incorporating multiple things from this fic into any modern au i make in the future

whatever you can still betray - ace has GOT to be a marine spy because nothing he says makes any fucking sense . i really love this one its so fun

finally i get to choose what's wrong (and what is right) - listen . 90% of the time i am FIRMLY against genderbending one character and nobody else . but like . im a fan of this one . also makino has a gun

si c'est un âme - your soulmate's first words to you are written on your body . luffy has 9 phrases on his back . i AM in fact a platonic soulmate enjoyer

blood song - post thriller bark zolu ...... ough

on brotherhood - ageswap , luffy is the older brother

code of misconduct - there's a set of written rules on the thousand sunny . VERY silly fic . very fun

hey, let's get lost (along the way) - luffy , ace , nami , and vivi get lost in alabasta . shenanigans ensue

i can't be selfless - garp invites aokiji to dawn island to help convince luffy to be a marine

god's emperor - shanks meets a young god . this was before 1044 actually like damn girl ur ON that shit

how it should have healed - the aftermath of some of luffy's various injuries

seven deadly sins - trafalgar law's new apartment is haunted by exactly seven (7) ghosts

chasing the remnants - sabo accompanies dragon to loguetown

little monsters - usopp and sanji get captured by marines

of dawn and dreams - i could not tell you what this series is about but its mostly shanks and buggy . its good tho

don't bury me with gold - WORLD NOBLE SABO ....... oughhh this one is so good . i think abt it a lot

sun over the horizon - luffy gives his crew some much-needed affection after a battle

take a step in mine - on their way out of marineford , luffy collapses a little bit earlier . it changes some things

spin a yarn - time travel shenanigans . this whole series makes me completely and utterly insane . read it now

over the course of a day - worlds worst roadtrip

greatest gift of all - luffy is 10 years younger than his brothers

two and a half pirates - luffy is 16 years younger than his brothers

unsinkable - the ocean is luffy's mother . ive seen like 3 different fics with this concept but this one is my favourite

three years, give or take - time travel shenanigans , except it's ace this time

hide the knives - after ace joins the whitebeards , shanks drops by for a party

beginning the next dream - time travel shenanigans . there's a reason it's the most kudosed op fic

make a choice (turncoat hero) - garp accidentally becomes a pirate . whoops !

boy with a scar - luffy vanishes after sabo dies and shows up 4 years later with a slave brand . what kind of man would i be if i didnt include boy with a scar . i love this one a lot

in which higuma doesn't get drunk, even though he really, really wants to - time travel shenanigans

sunflowers - genderfluid luffy ....... god i love transgenderism

pain scale - luffy gets injured and nobody realizes for a while , himself included

sibling sympathies - ace and nami have a chat in alabasta

small changes - id summarize this one but tbh i dont super remember what happens in this one i just remember rlly liking it . its a cora lives au i know that . read it anyways

too bright to see - lusan ..............

i'll keep the king (i'll keep him safe) - EXCEPTIONALLY good luffy whump . very good

of scissors and combs - luffy gets a haircut

and heres four gear fifth fics that i like. id summarize them all but i dont really want to so like . just trust me on this one . read em

also thanks for the rec !! ive been meaning to read that one for weeks thanks for giving me an excuse to finally do it . here's the link for anyone who hasn't read it which you should because it's VERY good

[volivolition]

alright i think it's time for another Important Song™ cuz it's been on our mind lately.

Sleep by My Chemical Romance!

This one's... IMPORTANT-important to us as a whole. Where do I even begin with it fhdnsjdnzns.

Uhhhh. Well! We hallucinate. Kinda infrequently nowadays, but back in... fuckinnnnnn 2015-2016 or so, I think? We had our first Big Psychotic Break. It was NOT fun! At all lmao! And our insomnia ramped the FUCK up. Things were Horrible.

But our old host was getting into MCR at the time, and shi finally sat down and listened to The Black Parade in whole and found this song, and... So much shit clicked into place for hir and for us collectively.

Shi played this song on repeat for DAYS, dude. Non fucking stop. It was one of the few things that really helped keep everything at bay. I remember shi didn't actually have the entirety of The Black Parade on our ipod yet so shi used a shitty lil "infinite loop" site shi found somewhere to play it at night cuz back then YouTube didn't HAVE a way to loop videos easily HFNDSNFN So that's how we slept for like... A week? I don't remember, I think all this was a couple years before I formed, actually!

But. Yeah. This one's Up There in importance for us. Our favourite lyrics are "the hardest part, is letting go of your dreams" / "the hardest part's the awful things that I've seen". Really rang true back then tbh.

a couple fun facts about this song too before we go:

It is one of two rose gold songs we're aware of, and is the reason rose gold is our favourite colour. The other rose gold song is Disenchanted, also off The Black Parade!

This song was recorded in, and is kind of about, the band's experience with sleeping in a haunted house! they recorded the black parade in the Paramour Mansion, rumoured to be haunted—from the Genius page on the song: This song features recordings of lead vocalist, Gerard Way’s, experiences with night terrors which he believes were invoked by the haunted mansion they recorded Black Parade in. fucking wild tbh

So yeah. That's all for now, take your time as usual with listening to this one! <2 <3 we lov & care abt you! -Dark

HI BELOVEDS!! Important Song™!! <3 <2 :'( ough, both hallucinations AND insomnia absolutely do not sound fun, but im glad its gotten to be less frequent, yall deserve peace and rest <3 <2 mcr has such good songs, im glad shi found them helpful during a difficult time :'0

I ALSO USED TO USE ONE OF THOSE YOUTUBEREPEAT SITES HKJGH 2015 was a lonely time for me, and i remember listening to songs on the infinite loop sites during late nights too, to fill the quiet <33 it's so cool to hear the song that helped yall sleep around the same time <3

ooh, how the song starts with the voice recording glitching while the piano starts up, AND THEN!! the rest of the instruments kick in!! waugh thats so cool <33 it feels so dramatic and passionate, mcr always has such a tragic, unabashed heartache sort of sound, i love the build up and emotion in the lines you mentioned, "the hardest part" its so pretty... i really love how this sounds <33

i remember knowing rose gold was your favorite color, and seeing "colour of sleep" as one of your tags and wondering what it meant, but it took me a hot second to correlate them hkgjh thats so cool!! <33 rose gold songs!! 💛💖 :D the lore is so cool, hgkjh real commitment to the music, not only to continue recording an album in a haunted house that gives you night terrors, but also to write it into one of the album's songs hgkjgh, its like owning it, reclaiming it, this scared me but i'll not only survive it, i'll use it to create <333

:'] thank you for sharing this with me, very genuinely <3 im honored to get to hear about yall, im glad this song helped you all through difficult times, im happy you're here, i love and care about all of you too!!! :'] <33 <22

[bluiex]

So I remember seeing someone talking about soulmate AU where Grian and Scar break up after Grian cheats with BigB and Scar stopped turning a blind eye to it, and Scar turned to alcohol to try and distract himself from feeling Grian and BigB fucking every night, but I don't remember seeing any follow up for it so I am here to offer my version of followup (forgive me if someone already sent one)

So my thoughts are that Mumbo decides to intervene and comes around, gets Scar off the metaphorical floor and tosses all the alcohol out of the house. When Scar is sober they go hang out and just spend time together, doing things they find fun and just talking about everything (which is when Mumbo discovers Grian and Scar's breakup was even worse than he thought, not having been around when the affair happened), which inevitably ends up with the two of them hooking up (a mix of feelings/attraction + a slight desire to give Grian a taste of his own medicine). It starts a FwB relationship between them, where they just hang out and have fun and sometimes jump in the sack together when they're feeling lonely and want company.

After a few months as they grow closer, Scar wakes up one day and realizes Grian's not the first person he thinks of in the morning. He hasn't even thought about Grian in over a week, more like two. Instead it's Mumbo who he wakes up thinking about, it's Mumbo who gets his heart beating wildly, and it's Mumbo he dreams about at night. It hits him that he might be in love with Mumbo. Scar, being Scar, falls over himself and rushes to Mumbo's house at ugly o'clock in the morning when half the world is still asleep, but when a half-asleep Mumbo opens the door he still lets him in happily, and barely gets out a greeting before Scar tells him "I think I'm in love with you." Mumbo is awake immediately. They have a long talk about their feelings and decide yeah, let's give this a shot, and they start an official relationship full of really sweet words and touches that don't lead to sex all the time- just a very emotionally close relationship, the kind Scar once (thought he) had with Grian. Only this time, loving Mumbo doesn't hurt the way loving Grian did.

When he has Mumbo, the feeling of BigB's hands on Grian's hips fade into background noise, because he's holding onto Mumbo, they're in each other's arms and they're so in love and safe it's like nothing can ever hurt them again.

On the flipside, now Grian isn't feeling the effects of Scar drowning himself in alcohol and he's no longer feeling the casual flings he and Mumbo used to have (and he had no idea it was Mumbo at all, the man having become distant and "busy" over the last few months), but now he's feeling the casual intimacy, the light touches and the gentle kisses and the arms wrapping around him just to hold him, and he's in a relationship that is based on thrill and sex and danger... feeling the phantom touches of the kind of gentle love Scar always held for him, from someone else- someone who touches Scar so much more gently and lovingly than he ever did, sweeter than he ever touches BigB... he starts to have regrets.

People like Grian only want what they can't have, after all.

*lays down in a puddle of my own tears* this is simply better than I could ever imagine. A good ending on Scar's end, he's okay and moved on.. meanwhile Grian is regretting it, like you said Grian is the type of perosn to want what they can't have. ough okay

i'd like to imagine, after a couple of months of this, Grian feeling all the love and stuff.. he decides to come around. go see Scar. to his surprise it isn't Scar who opens the door. Nope! It is Mumbo, looking disheveled like he'd just woken up (nah him an Scar were making out before dinner)

Mumbo gives him such a shocked look before it delved into anger, but that was quickly pushed away to a neutral expression before asking what he's doing here- things get a bit heated, Mumbo sternly talking down to Grian for what he did, "No you are not allowed to see Scar. He's just finally started healing after you fucked up and broke his trust an heart."

[lisascumslut78]

would you tell me about your wips 👀 if i looked at you like this 👀 until you told me 👀

OKAY!! finally had time and energy to do this i'm sorry 😭

okay so. most of these are like. darna/darlentina/reginarda and a few odd ones (surprisingly, almost all this is filipino. huh.) but anyway.

let's get the darna/darlentina/reginarda wips out first!!

5+1 things darlentina or five times narda saves regina and one time she doesn't.

this is my baby. the very first fic i've written for this fandom and it's very very special to me lsdkjfsld. i add to it little little by little every once in a while but i dont think it's nowhere near finished (sorry!!) it's basically a rewrite of the whole show so, you know, it's going to be a big one lmfaooo. i'm going to take what i want from canon and throw the rest in the trash. still deciding if i want it chapter by chapter or just one big oneshot thing. hm.

fake dating au

yeah fake dating. although not in the way you'd expect. regina thinks narda and darna are dating. so to keep regina off her back and from finding out she's both, narda thought it'd be a great idea to throw off regina by letting her think she's dating the superhero. this was funnier in my head. this one's a very recent wip, had the thought while in the middle of class one day lmfao

woman of her dreams (yeah no im not good with this)

okay so. basically regina keeps dreaming about this girl since like. she was a child. up until adulthood she keeps dreaming about her. she never has a name, only vague flashes of her facial features, her hands, her smile etc. semi-canon. narda is still half alien, but they dont meet the same. until they do meet and regina's so shocked she falls off the balcony.

gala smut

basically what the title says lkdjflfdfg. i remember working on this when the first few weeks the show was airing and like i was running on pure emotion that time. what a time indeed. well anyway. they fuck in a bathroom. so yea.

a scene rewrite

there was just this really really annoying scene in the show that i just. had to fix ya know? like. girl. she would not say that. so yeah.

friends with benefits au

was once again driven by pure emotion with this. bc like. that would be so so good. it'd be so angsty and like. i haven't really read anything like it in the fandom before so!!

regina almost dies

yeah so if you haven't seen the show regina dies (but only briefly) and like. i wanted to fix that because of how stupid they set it up like. GIRL. she was too far from that tree to pierce her oh my god???

ALRIGHT. i think i'm done with the reginarda wips. on to some other ones i have :D

i'm just going to list some of them off since i don't really remember where i wanted them to go lmfao.

chapter two of my lilanette fwb

lilanette childhood friends au

lilanette secretly friends au

a barbie oneshot

needifer x mean girls au

okay. with this one, my sister and i suddenly had a brain fart thinking what if jennifer survived and needy moved to chicago or something and attended northshore. fucking insane i know. it was supposed to be a collab thing but my sister didn't really want to anymore so i'm mostly the one working on it.

rookie exes au

okay so. rookie is a filipino movie about the new kid who doesn't play volleyball (she only plays basketball), joins the volleyball team, and falls in love with the team captain. the captain dislikes her at first but, you know, her swagless looks and cringe fail autistic personality eventually captivates her. you know, basic shit.

it's a very... feel good movie i would say. it didn't really resonate with me as much as i was hoping it would but, it's a good watch, i think.

i wanted to imagine them not too far into the future but they're not together. (though, the movie leaves us with an ambiguous ending regarding their relationship, first off) i just love exes aus. ough. oh yeah it's sapphic.

this is entirely too long omfg. i doubt it'll be an interest to anyone but maybe a couple of people but!!! yeah i kind of wanted to share this too. kinda.

[worldwright]

IN ALMOST A WEEK ILL GET MY CRUTCHES (PRESCRIPTION) WE BELIEVE IN IT. I ALREADY HAVE NAMES FOR THEM LIVIO AND RAZLO. L&R. LEFT & RIGHT. YOU SEE MY VISION. DO YOU SEE IT

good evening :3

i was looking into trying to get the paper you need to work with children in France, so you need a formation and all

and

nuh uh, i'm not doing 8am-6pm for 8 days when it's the other side of the town and i can only move by bus (i trust no one with a car) AND HAVING TO TAKE MY MEDS AT 8AM N E V E R

that's how i'd die so no thanks, gotta talk with my therapist to be sure im not throwing myself under the guillotine yk

I bought a blueberry donut and a hot chocolate because damn, I deserve it (don't ask if i ate another thing) (i didn't) (what a surprise)

Have a wonderful morning my friend !

wait is "throwing yourself under the guillotine" the normal way to say it in France??? I'm cracking tf up lmfaooooooo

(it's "under the bus" here)

anyway good morning :333333 YAY CRUTCHES!!!!!!!!! and YES. L/R. THEY WILL PROTECT YOU also having them holding my hands all the time????? 🥺😭❤️❤️❤️❤️ I would feel so fkn safe

and that way, if you're right-handed, you can fuckin whack ppl in the knees with Razlo!!

con tomorrow!!! con tomorrow!!!!!!!!!

d&d last night was fun, tho I held back more than I should have (there's no reason not to kill the characters in a non-canon session. I fkn shouldn't have nerfed the monster) but anyway I got to drop some worldbuilding lore as well as having ppl blow off steam by smashing gross-looking monsters! yay!!

ough idk if you know about critical role (d&d stream) but there's these. lofi mixes. completely made from scratch by a fan. music n all. and they have character lines in them that follow the character's journey and growth . along with some genuinely fantastic music and mmmmmmmmm I just love them so much. speedrun 1000 hours of playtime (not even exaggerating) into 1 hour of pure character development while fuckinnnnnn VIBING

ok it's

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_cRsSFvHBQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3_qzIKgoas

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJWEOu_yBls

the second two are both for the same character lol

hope you have a lovely evening, friend!!

[getitoffyourchestofficial]

hi this is a lot im sorry. i love to say words and dump shit that upsets me with no real correlation. my bad /gen (genuine) (idk if you know tone indicators im sorry ough)

you dont really Have to cook up a proper response to this i just need to put it somewhere where i wont immediately get piles of advice that i cant use. i know its well-meaning but ultimately the whole situation is ou of anyones control

(also putting this 🎪 here so i can try to find it later)

im stuck in a sisyphean nightmare of a weekly cycle: i have a good day -> my mood skyrockets -> i have a bad day -> my mood plummets -> rinse and repeat. at this point i think it might be a mental condition bc something doesnt even really have to Ruin My Day, i just have to face a minor inconvenience and then suddenly im all doom-and-gloom depression for 3-5 business days before springing back up as if nothing ever happened to do it all again. my mom says i might have bpd or bipolar disorder (i always get the two confused) because she has it and we just havent seen anyone about it, mostly because we dont have the money to see any doctors most of the time. i also kinda dont wanna have either of them? not in like an asshole way but in a these-people-face-stigma-that-i-dont-know-if-i-can-emotionally-handle way. in a im already queer and fat and poor and disabled in multipled ways and overall unsavory to neurotypicals/cishets/Default Settings way. yknow

todays inciting incident was a shitty shitty halloween carnival that didnt even have the thing i was excited for, didnt have any food, had lines that were miles long (hyperbole), was too hot, and i only got 8 shitty halloween things from -- half of which were lollipops, with half of those just being the same 2 flavors but Again. we stayed for 2 hours before my mom decided she didnt wanna be out of the house anymore as usual. i cant be too mad at her because shes mentally ill in the direction of "i dont want to go anywhere because my anxiety will spike" but unfortunately im mentally ill in the direction of "if i cannot leave the house to Do Things at my own pace at least once a week i will fall into a deep depression" so we clash pretty bad most of the time. this was also following multiple minor inconveniences mind you. and was also trailed by multiple minor inconveniences. it just has not gone well. this halloween is just shaping up to suck bc i was supposed to have a whole party but we had money issues so it had to be cut down to just 2 people for a sleepover, then one of them went out to see his grandma in another state and the other is apparently in the fucking hospital right now??? at least according to his posts. and i cant blame them for these either! schedules conflict and sometimes you go to the Fuckig Hosital. its out of anyones control but it still feels like shit. so its looking like my only shot at having any fun this halloween is the trunk-or-treat at my school and idk if im even allowed to go bc i had to drop out for mental health reasons and they told me i wasnt allowed on school grounds anymore. idk if that applies here. which btw. way to make a depressed kid feel worse. you can NEVER come to this high school again or we'll ARREST YOU. fuckin bullshit. BUT thats off topic the synopsis is that this halloween sucks so far and i dont really expect it to get better which extra sucks bc im turning 18 next year and i dont wanna let this be the last hurrah for my number one favorite holiday. i cant host fucking parties for my friends after then. im gonna be busy trying to fuck off to the other end of the country. i wont have TIME for it. idk. it sucks. this sucks. fuck art and fuck you /ref (reference) /nbh (nobody here)

Ik you don't want advice for this so I'll just put it on the blog.

And idk if you want it but here's a tea

☕

[pawjamas]

Oh my god I feel like I’ve missed so much in your life over the last week? I’m so sorry to hear about you migraines and your fainting spells! That sounds so terrifying. I’m sorry they didn’t find anything in your test, it can be really frustrating when you don’t have a clear answer.

But I’m so glad you and your wife are moving into your apartment! I’m so glad she’s looking after you! How is she? I love your little welcome sign!! And I’m glad your on disability income! I’m glad you’re getting resources, and I hope you can work on not thinking less of yourself because of it!

Hestia is getting her shots again and they seem to be helping! She started declining again but she’s evened out again and she’s very “stretchy” now as my mom calls it (aka she stretched a lot). My mom still calls her “baby bunny” and “baby buntling”.

I looked in the journal my mom got me to maybe think about making art with but the pages are much darker than I expected, which threw me for a loop and since it was not what I expected I needed time to readjust so I left it in my craft room to deal with another time when I can process these changes.

The last few days I’ve started working on making my first candles! They’re (vaguely) mushroom shaped! Realistically they’re going to have ti sit in jars because I think they’re going to split since I made them in halves and they won’t stand up but it was a test!

Halloween stuff is out at my store and Michael’s has the best Halloween decorations so I’m longing over them. I’m trying to save money for things coming up though 😭.

I just bought two dresses and a pair of socks for like $50 at Hot Topic and I’m excited to do photo shoots with them!

There’s a pagan festival coming up Saturday that I want to go to and I just texted my FP and asked if maybe they wanted to go after putting it off for weeks so now I have their messages muted and I will not be checking until tomorrow because being vulnerable and asking someone to make plans is terrifying and my anxiety is so bad, but I told them my therapist said I needed to socialize more so I figured I would ask (which isn’t *technically* a lie) but yeah. Ough.

Anyway I hope things continue to go well for you moving in. I’ll be heading down there for Christmas my mom said <3 sans the dog and Hestia this time. Stay cool!

-Silver

hi omg !!

yeah haha SO much has happened within these past couple weeks or so, but i think it’s mainly been good overall !! my wife is doing well, our two year anniversary together is tomorrow !!!

thank you so much for your kind words, i hope you’re doing well yourself, and that hestia continues to get better with her meds she’s taking, wishing you both the best ;;; 💗

[archived-and-moving]

Reading textbook chapters can be so ugh dude (is in the middle of reading stuff for his and had to stop in the middle. whoopsies.) However I've been trying to like. plank or do push-ups for one paragraph then rest while reading. Idk why but it's like as soon as I sit down to read informational text my brain is like alrighty boys deploy as much energy as you can. Make him want to run a 5k. But this works pretty well! (except for the fact that I Cannot plank very long. started out on every two paragraphs then off one but my arms got tired.) but i feel like those dude bros in the movies, working out and getting smort.

Ada;lkj bestie congrats on your last semester, that's such an awesome thing to be able to celebrate!! And also tacking onto that. How could you not brag about six associates degrees. That's incredible! I'm having trouble arranging my core classes around two. Six is awesome!!! Literally so excited for you to graduate w/ seven whole degrees in your hand.

And oh yeah yeah yeah Ori and the Blind Forest!! Saw those giftsets you rbed and sent a couple to a good friend of mind who's obsessed w/ those kinds of indie games. She'd already played it, but she Highly recommended it to me, so it's actually on my list of games to play. And ough Omori!! I haven't heard too much about it, but I really like it's art style and score! Super spooky!

I'm glad you're doing alright, all things considered!

I myself and doing pretty good as well. Our school for some reason makes us go on break and THEN has midterms a week later, so I finished up some mid-terms/finals last week and am starting some new classes this semester. Taking speech to get it out of the way so that I (hopefully) won't have to take it in college. But oh man is my teacher an interesting one. The way she formats her class it's easy to pass, but we quite literally have a quiz! Every day! Until late february!

Just finishing up some homework for that and another class. (Trying to get ahead since she posts the videos we listen to ahead of time, but it is terribly disinterested so that's incredible. /s) Other than that though doing good myself. Sport is starting up again soon, and I'm overall enjoying life.

Hmm artistic endeavors. I've been doodling a lot. I haven't really done much digital stuff since I haven't been able to get into the mood, did do a finitar drawing in pen which. Disappointed and proud of myself at the same time. I'm also planning a kotlc pride month and Other Weeks that I really hope to create something for. But yeah! Lots and lots and lots of doodles.

Thenn writing side I haven't done too much either. Wanted to write something tonight but idk if I'll have time since I have to finish up studying, take a shower and do other house hold stuff. But I've been researching stuff for a fic that is like. My special interest. I LOVE researching about a very specific topic that I will not disclose for...mysterious author reasons.

Though now that you've been talking about games, my mind wandered to Stray, which is probably one of my favorite games I've played. I'd say I'm probably around a third or fourth of the way through, and it's just. incredible. I love dystopian worlds and incredible art, but I also like balancing the stress fight scenes with exploring stuff. Which this game does really well in my opinion. (also. you are a kitty. which I think makes it 17 times better.)

But yeah overall!!! P good! Stressed but like that classic kitten poster, I'm hanging in there.

hiiii quil i was JUST thinking bout you then BOOM you're on my dash. how's your day bestie. how is Life.

hiiii Tobi *twirls hair* *twirls hair* *twirls--

Very sweet of you to ask, I have been doing alright. Had to read three textbook chapters in two days to do an assignment (each chapter takes about an hour) which was OUGH but I did it. And it's a subject I'm interested in so it's okay I forgive the professor. Also got another material sorted (had a bit of a Situation with an access code for a thing, but it's good now)

Basically life has been me getting into the swing of the semester. Final semester! I graduate in April, so that's pretty cool! Doing things a little out of order though because I already have six associates degrees (2 year college degrees) and will just be tacking a high school diploma on the end, but I think that's very impressive of me so I may brag a little bit.

Also been playing some lovely video games lately. Finished Ori and the Blind Forest and am now going for the completionist things and getting all the life/energy cells and such. And started Omori, but haven't gotten very far yet. Adoring it so far though!

I am doing alright, is the summary! How is your day and your Life, Tobi? Read anything good recently? Done any fun artistic things? Drank water? I hope your life is being kind to you :)

[greatbigbellies]

The @wesoftupinhere oneshot... that turned into a fourshot... but hey it’s content right? Features wholesome preg content, light stuffing, rapid pregnancy, and heavy multiples. Hope you enjoy it!

Kyle lounged in his gamer chair, his full term pregnant belly resting in his lap. He Took a hand off of the mouse to rub small circles in the side of his distended tummy, soothing his little boy inside. Both Kyle and his baby had been restless lately, anxious to meet each other, and Kyle was particularly ready to be done with pregnancy. It wasn’t a bad gig, mind you, lots of food and attention. However, being so heavy and achy all the time was draining. He’d been going for 38 weeks now, and his 5’5” frame was growing weary of growing a baby. Almost there, he thought to himself. He returned his hand to his mouse to keep streaming. He was playing minecraft, half cause he enjoyed it, and half because it got donations. With the baby coming soon, he needed all the money he could get.

He shifted idly in his chair, struggling to get comfortable. “How far along are you?” asked one of his stream viewers. He got this question almost every day. “38 weeks, 3 days! Almost done!” he chirped. “Congrats!” said the viewer over chat. Kyle smiled. “You look so fatherly!” another chimed in. Kyle blushed a little, not sure how to take compliments. “Aww, thanks guys!” he replied.

“Can we see the tummy?” asked one particularly brave viewer. “Ooooh, I dunno guys, it’s kind of hard to move at this size,” he replied. A minute or so passed, Kyle idly harvesting his crops, when a donation rolled in. “Oh! Thanks for the twenty bucks! Wow! Let’s see…” he waited for the bit donation message to scroll by. “If I give you $20 will you show us the baby bump?” it asked. Kyle rolled his eyes and smiled. “You guys drive a hard bargain, but ooookay,” he grunted as he got to his feet, his hefty body trying to weigh him down. He turned to the side and rolled up his shirt to show his smooth, large belly to the facecam. His baby visibly kicked from the inside, much do the delight of the twitch chat.

“Pog!” “Pog baby!” “Pogchamp!” “Pogchamp!” “Pog baby!!” “He’s our little pogchamp!”... his chat exploded. Kyle laughed at the reaction, causing his tummy to bounce slightly. “Hahaha! Yeah, I guess he is our little pogchamp huh?” he said, half genuinely, half ironically. Twitch slang felt weird sometimes, but Kyle had to admit, it got results. He held his belly from below and gave it a little bounce as about $55 in donations rolled in, all saying variations of “pog baby”. Kyle smiled to himself as he heard Tyler come home. “Oop! My lunch is here! BRB!” he said as he paused the stream and put up his “returning soon” screen. He yanked his shirt down over his huge belly and waddled into the kitchen where Tyler sat, groaning and cradling his massive gut.

“Are you okay?” asked Kyle, thinking Tyler just overate again. “Oooohhh… too many burgers…” Tyler moaned. “Why didn’t you wait until you got home to eat?” asked Kyle. “I was gonna… but they smelled so good… and pregnancy cravings won out…” he explained between breaths. “Dude, feel my belly...! It’s so full!” Kyle shrugged. He’d felt Tyler’s tummy a million times over his pregnancy, he didn’t expect this to be any different. He was wrong. “Whoa… dude, how much did you eat?” he asked, prodding his best friend’s massively overstuffed belly. It felt insanely firm, especially on the lower hemisphere. Tyler’s belly was already huge, what with triplets crammed in there, and he had a habit of gorging himself now and again. “For the babies” he’d always say. This felt different though. It was like he was… more pregnant than before…

“Uuuh, just like… two burgers, fries, a side of onion rings, and a large shake… a normal lunch!” said Tyler. Kyle would have rolled his eyes if he wasn’t concerned. He compared the firmness of hIs own belly with his friend’s. Both were very full, sure, and had little give, but Tyler’s… his felt downright overfilled. Kyle rolled up his friend’s shirt to inspect the belly. It all looked fine as far as he could tell. More tightly stretched, sure, but no harsh blemishes or warning signs. “Soooo much pressure!...” complained Tyler. “Do you need to go to a doctor?” Tyler shook his head at Kyles question. “Nah dude, I’ll be fine… I just need some tummy rubs and time to digest…” he paused… “Wow, I must have overdone it more than I thought. I swear the burger just kicked…”

Kyle gave his friend a skeptical look. “Where did you get these? Burger King?” he asked. Tyler shook his head, placing both hands on his distended bare belly. “Nah bro… some new place that popped up next door. Nice portions…. I didn’t get the name though…” Kyle smiled at his friend. It’s just like him to order and eat from a place without knowing what it’s called. He glanced at the plain, brown paper bag the food came in, and grabbed his burger to examine the wrapping. “McPreggo? What kind of name is McPreggo?” he asked Tyler, who was zoned out rubbing his belly. “I dunno man… but the babies sure liked it and I did too… maybe too much, ough,” he let out a dainty little belch.

Kyle shrugged. It did smell amazing. He unwrapped his burger, and took a bite. “Oh my god…” he trailed off with a mouth full. “W-what?” asked Tyler. “This… is the tastiest thing I’ve ever eaten!” Kyle beamed. This was like eating his favorite food, while sating a craving for a different favorite food, while discovering a NEW favorite food all at once. The patty was grilled to perfection, the bun was fluffy, the veggies were moist and crisp, and whatever that reddish sauce was was simply astonishing.

“I can see why you would overdo it on this food Tyler, THIS… IS… AMAZING!” Tyler smirked at his friend. “And you doubted by tastes…” he said jokingly, patting his overfilled belly. Kyle continued to demolish the burger at a frightening pace. “Dude… I once saw you dip sweet potato fries in cake icing… your tastes are bizarre,” pointed out Kyle between bites. “Eeny, and Meeny wanted the fries and Miney wanted the icing!” Tyler defended himself, referring to his triplets by their nicknames.

Kyle felt the weight of his pregnant tummy tug downward, his sore back reminding him that standing for too long wasn’t a good idea in his state. He waddled over and took a seat between Tyler and the table of food. “Speaking of fries… you didn’t eat them all, did you?” he asked. Tyler shook his head, “Nah man, I specifically left yours alone. They’re in the bag, you gotta try them. They put some garlic salt or something on ‘em,” Uncannily, Kyle found himself craving garlic at the mere mention of it. He took the last bite of his burger, and stuck his arm down the bag to fish out his prize.

Tyler rubbed large circles on the distended sides of his massive belly, soothing both his overfilled stomach and his aching womb. He felt Eeny, Meeny, and Miney all snuggled in his gut… and he could SWEAR he felt three other bodies in there too, but that was impossible. He was just overfed, surely. He turned to watch Kyle basically drink the fries out of the carton. He hadn’t seen his friend put away food like this since his second trimester… dude must’ve been starving. He thought to himself.

Tyler furrowed his brow at the sight of Kyle’s tummy slowly pushing outward, his shirt visibly riding up as he ate. Kyle seemed too enamored with the food to notice. “And you got me onion rings?! God I love you Ty, you know how to treat a guy,” Kyle laughed as he found the second side hidden in the bag. “Y-yeah, no problem…” Tyler trailed off, still focusing on his friend’s tummy. “How are you feeling?” he asked. Kyle crunched on a perfectly seasoned onion ring, “Like I’m in heaven!” he replied, an adorable grin on his face.

Tyler felt his own tummy again, really taking the time to feel it. He felt for where most of the pressure in his belly was coming from. His stomach? Check. His womb? Also check… He felt around, outlining the tiny bodies in his head. 1… 2… 3… his eyes widened. He reached over and felt Kyles belly, a sizable crescent of bare skin showing as his shirt continued to ride up. Kyle was too busy enjoying onion rings to care. They felt each other’s babies all the time, so this wasn’t out of the ordinary.

Tyler concentrated on the movement under Kyle’s skin, feeling where the kicks and rolls where coming from. Kyle’s baby was really active in there… almost too active… “Hey Kyle…?” “Mhmmm?” Kyle finished off the last two onion rings in one bite. Tyler looked at him, and with the most uncharacteristically serious tone he could muster, said “Show me where your little pogchamp is,” Kyle snorted out a giggle. “You were just feeling him! He’s right there!” Kyle guided Tyler’s hand to his lower belly, right below his now exposed navel, where a tiny foot was pressed against his palm.

Tyler nodded. He felt movement stir in his own belly, and squinted in concentration. As if on cue, a stong kick pushed its way up into the top shelf of Kyle’s tummy, distending it. That made Kyle jump a little, “Wow okay… guess he’s up there…” Kyle paused. “Wait that’s not right…” he rolled up his shirt, now much tighter than it was this morning, and placed his hands on the top and bottom of his belly, Tyler’s hands taking up the front. They made eye contact as they both came to the realization that this felt familiar… on Tyler.

“Am I… carrying TRIPLETS?!?!” Kyle yelled in surprise. “I...I think so?” replied Tyler. “And I think I’ve got six… I think… the food…” he stared at the empty brown paper bag in the table. “Nononono… wait that’s not right…” Kyle explored his own expanded belly. His midriff was now undoubtedly larger than before and he felt three distinct bodies inside… “How does that work?” asked Tyler, drumming the top of his own sextuplet belly in thought. Kyle shook his head in bewilderment. “It’ll be okay… we’ll get Sarah, Bree, and Brook on the phone. They do this stuff for a living, they’ll be able to help us!” said Kyle, half to himself in an effort to stay calm. “Yeah! If anyone will understand spontaneous babies, it’ll be them!” said Tyler with a cautiously optimistic smile. “Problem solved!”

Kyle tried to stand up, but found himself stuck to his seat due to the new weight. He tried again, making little progress. “Uh… problem not quite solved,” he looked sheepishly at Tyler. “Will you… help me up?” he asked. Tyler jokingly leaned back, causing his truly massive tummy to stick out just that little bit father. “I dunno bro… I’m like… SUPER pregnant right now,” he grinned, his sextuplets visibly moving in his overburdened belly. Kyle crossed his arms and pouted. “Well I’M super pregnant and super SHORT so I need help,” he replied. Tyler laughed, “Well, you got me there dude, gimme a sec,”

Tyler scooted forward and spread his knees apart to make room for his pendulous belly, then he leaned forward, taking the weight off of his butt and onto his feet, before slowly straightening his legs. He pressed his hands into his lower back to help guide his torso into a vertical position, his mammoth belly sticking out far in front of him. The sudden change of position did not sit well with his cargo, and they roiled around in his overstretched gut. “Oof, guys, come on…” he pleaded with his babies, but they didn’t relent. He took his steps slowly, movement difficult at that size, and approached Kyle. “Alright dude, gimme your hands,” Tyler reached out, his belly reaching almost as far as his arms.

Kyle took his hands and, with a heave and some backwards motion from Tyler, got up to a standing position. “Whooo, okay,” said Kyle breathlessly. “God… how do you do this all the time?” he asked, cradling his triplet heavy belly. Tyler smiled, holding his own tummy in his hands, “Lots of food, lots of sleep, and lots of belly rubs,” Kyle smirked at the wholesomeness that was Tyler, and waddled over to his phone. “Alright… lets hope the girls aren’t busy…”

About an hour later, there was a firm knock at the door, no doubt from Brook. “Door’s unlocked!” called Kyle, resting on the couch, laying lengthwise to take up all three cushions. Tyler sat in the recliner, the footrest put up to support his legs, and his huge belly, which rested between them. The door swung open to reveal Sarah and Brook, Sarah herself sporting a solidly second trimester belly. “Sorry we were so slow, had to meet with a client,” apologized Sarah, patting her tummy for emphasis. “So what’s this about a ‘baby emergency’? If you’re in labor just to go the hospital!” said Brook, reading something on her phone. The two stepped inside, closing the door behind them, and Sarah was the first to see the thoroughly expanded boys.

“Uh, Brook, I think they have the opposite problem,” said Sarah. Brook glanced up from her phone to take in the sight of Tyler carrying six babies. “Oh my god did you go to a buffet?” she asked. Tyler shook his head, “Nope, just McPreggo!” he grinned, showing the cute gap between his teeth. “McWhat-now?” Sarah asked. “Some new restaurant Ty found, we think the food spontaneously fills your womb!” explained Kyle. “In fairness, the food IS amazing and almost worth it,” Tyler interjected. Sarah grimaced a little. She knew Tyler was a foodie, but was it really worth all THIS?

“Where’s Bree?” asked Kyle. “She’s, uh, getting us lunch. We were going to cook, but when we got the call from you we rushed over,” Sarah explained. Kyle nodded, “thanks for that, by the way,” he smiled. Sarah grinned sympathetically back, “so, uh, how many do you guys have now?” she asked. “Kyle’s got three now, and I’ve got six!” Tyler drummed the top shelf of his belly, stirring the occupants inside. “Yikes,” said Brook monotonously to no one in particular, back to looking at her phone. 

Sarah looked at the table, covered in McPreggo wrappers and pursed her lips in thought. Maybe the packaging had a clue? She walked over to the dining area and looked over the fry cartons and burger wrappers. She wished Brook would help, but she seemed too busy on her phone. Sarah examined the label on the wrapper and saw tiny font that read “Quantum Noms LLC” in the corner. As she puzzled over what it could mean, Brook put her phone in her pocket and sighed. “Sarah, I love you, but you’re doing it the hard way. I already figured it out,”

Everyone looked at Brook in surprise. “You did?” asked Kyle. “Yeah, dude, I googled ‘McPreggo’ and read like… half a news article. Did you guys forget you could look things up on the internet?” she asked sarcastically. “Yeah, kinda,” shrugged Tyler from his seat. Brook rolled her eyes. “It’s a marketing thing. McPreggo food is designed to taste amazing to pregnant people, so they make food that uses some quantum physics BS to get their customers pregnant with, like, I dunno… copies of babies from the multiverse or some shit. Then they come back, eat more food, get more pregnant, and McPreggo rolls in the profits. It’s all harmless and temporary, you’ll be fine…” Brook trailed off. “...In 24 hours,” Tyler sighed happily and leaned back, causing his torpedo belly to agle up slightly.

“Oh good, so Eeny, Meeny, Miney, and Pogchamp are all safe, and we don't have to birth and care for extra babies,” said Tyler. “Problem solved… and now I can eat there again guilt free!” he grinned. “No!” everyone shouted. Tyler pouted, “but… it was so yummy…” Kyle sighed. “Okay… ONE burger every 24 hours… and you don’t get to complain about being too pregnant to do things!” he offered. Tyler laughed, causing his belly to bounce a tad. “Yeah, I’m already there BEFORE the food! Ha!” his mouth curled into a shit eating grin. Then, there was a shuffling at the door.

“Guys…? I need some help!” called Bree. Brook rolled her eyes and went over to the door, Sarah joining the boys in the living area. Brook opened the door and her jaw dropped. Bree stood there, her arms full of fast food bags, and her belly jutting out farther than Tyler’s, bare and sporting a popped belly button. “Thanks! I couldn’t reach the door past my tummy!” Bree slowly waddled past Brook and into the kitchen, garnering stares from everyone else. “I found this new restaurant! It’s really really good! I wasn’t sure what you guys wanted so I bought one of everything, though I might’ve eaten a bunch of it on the way here!” she said, a smile in her voice. “It’s soooo good though, I couldn’t help myself! I went after picking up Mrs. Buck’s twins, and I ate so much, now the twins have a bunch of friends! Isn’t it great!? It’s like a party in my belly!”

Tyler smiled a huge, toothy grin, “one of everything you say?” Sarah shook her head, but caught a whiff of the food and immediately understood why Tyler wanted more. Kyle eyed the pile of food on the table and felt his mouth water. He looked down at his triplet heavy belly… surely one more wouldn’t hurt? Brook, the only non-pregnant person there, grasped the bridge of her nose as she felt a headache building. This was about to get messy.

Bree sat down in the wooden chair next to the table full of food, causing it to creak under her septuplet pregnancy weight. Her tummy stuck out past her knees, and forced her legs apart from its sheer size. She grabbed a double bacon burger and offered it out to Brook. “Come on Brook! I know you’re hungry!” she smiled, genuinely not seeing the problem with her offer. Brook shook her head. “No way. I’m going to have to take on enough brats from all of you, I don’t need to start brewing my own!” she said. Bree shrugged. “More for meeee!” as she was about unwrap the sandwich, Brook stepped forward and snatched it out of her hands. “Are you kidding me? Look at you?! You’ll pop if you eat this!”

Sarah eyed the table of amazing smelling fast food and considered her options… she considered how much Bree must have spent on all of this… considered how awful it would be for this delectable feast to go to waste. “Um… Brook, it’d be a shame if we threw all of this away…” she said meekly. Brook gave an electric glare and threw her hands up in exasperation. “FINE! You all stuff yourselves and get huge with a bunch of quantum babies! I’m not taking any off of your hands when you’re all to big to move!” “Too late,” Tyler chipped in. “Aw, c’mon Tyler! I’m bigger than you! Surely you can still walk?” Bree bubbled. “Well yeah, but I don’t want to…” Tyler eyed the burger in Brook’s hand. “Hey Brook, you eatin’ that or what?”

Brook rolled her eyes and tossed him the burger, eliciting a tongue click and a finger gun from Tyler. Kyle shifted on the couch and slowly stood up, his relatively small frame struggling with just three. He pushed his hands into his lower back, and his shirt rode up all the way, leaving every square inch of pregnant belly on display. He waddled over to the table to see what was left. Sarah quickly joined him, her singleton belly feeling somewhat empty. Brook sat on the now empty couch and gave everyone a scornful look in turn. She knew she was going to have to clean this up.

Kyle tentatively grabbed a mild chicken sandwich while Sarah scooped up the 4 sliders and a side of onions rings. Bree grabbed the spicy chicken sandwich and the last remaining food item, the double jalapeno burger. Kyle and Sarah each sitting on the floor in front of the couch, not wanting to get TOO close to the grumpy Brook, Tyler on his recliner and Bree in her kitchen chair, the crew got to work decimating the McPreggo.

Tyler unwrapped the double bacon burger and started in on it, taking large, heaping bites that required him to chew for a somewhat extended period of time. The lettuce, tomato, bacon, cheese, and patty all tasted so good together, the flavors melded perfectly into the exact thing he was craving in that moment. As far as Tyler was concerned, McPreggo had earned his business. It was hard to argue with food that tasted this good. One hand held the sandwich, and the other rested on the shelf of his belly. As he devoured the sandwich, he felt the skin of his tummy shift under his fingers. Was that kicking? No, he was very familiar with that feeling. This... was growth.

Kyle sat cross legged on the floor, his triplet heavy belly resting on his folded ankles, and began eating the chicken sandwich. The cheese was an unexpected but welcomed touch, and the sauce, whatever it was, went perfect with the breading on the chicken. He polished off the sandwich in record pace, and placed his hands on the sides of his pregnant tummy, feeling it swell up between them. He was about to be pregnant with quadruplets, and wasn’t sure how he felt about it.

Next to him, Sarah was in a frenzy. The usually demure and subtle woman was downing sliders in two bites, and eating multiple onion rings in one chomp. This was amazing tasting food, and was totally worth whatever pregnant discomfort awaited her. At least, that’s what she thought before she felt her pants tighten up, and the button pop open on is own. She looked down at herself to see her 24 week singleton belly slowly expand outward in all directions, filling her lap with addition after addition to her womb.

Bree had somehow already completely consumed the spicy chicken sandwich, and was most of the way through the jalapeno burger. She was a strong girl, and big muscles needed a lot of fuel. Big bellies, as it turned out, also needed a lot of fuel, as two more quantum babies filled her womb. With nine babies now roiling around in her belly, even Bree was having a hard time feeling comfortable, and slowly rose to her feet to pace, hoping to stretch her legs. Each footfall was heavy as her gargantuan nonuplet belly swayed in front of her.

Bree waddled over to Tyler, who was back to groaning and rubbing big circles around his tummy. “Whyyyy did I do this? This bellyache and pressure isn’t worth the taste of delicious fooood…” he groaned. His 7 babies rumbled in his belly, resting on the recliner’s footrest. Bree tentatively placed a hand on her friend’s tanker of a tummy, and nodded slowly. “Yeah, you’re really pregnant all right,” she said. “T-thanks Bree. I wasn’t sure there for a sec,” groaned Tyler, all in good humor, of course. 

Kyle struggled to unfold his legs under the weight of his tum. He swore he’d never complain about carrying his singleton son after this experience. He ran his hands around the equators of his belly, and leaned back against the couch, considering just staying there and sleeping this off.

Next to him was Sarah, who was in the process of seeing if she could still reach her bellybutton past her quadruplet belly. She could, barely. What she couldn’t do was fit in this shirt and pants anymore. She needed to get home and changed soon, having a big pregnant belly like this just hanging out felt so unprofessional. She moved to get up, but found she was too heavy to get off the floor with any real speed. Was it worth it for those sliders? It was, she decided, but only barely. “We should… urp… get home and… and digest,” said Sarah. “You buys gonna be okay?” she asked. “Mhmmm…” moaned Kyle sleepily. Tyler leaned back into the cushions of the recliner and grinned. “This… yeah, I can vibe with this…”

Bree took her hand off of Tyler’s belly, and waddled over to Sarah, one burning question on her mind. She looked expectantly at her friend as she struggled to get her feet under her. Sensing what was about to be asked, Brooks eyes lit up with exasperation. “On the way home… could we stop… for a snack?” 

[aswithasunbeam]

Alexander Hamilton to Abraham Yates (Mayor of Albany), 26 Sept. 1793

“Sir

General Schuyler shewed me yesterday a letter which he had received from you.1 It was then for the first time, I understood, that I had come to this place upon conditions; which General Schuylers paternal anxiety led him to submit to, but which are of a nature too derogatory to my rights, as a citizen of this State, to be permitted by me to continue in force. I feel that by doing it I should betray those rights, and none of the principles which have hitherto governed my Conduct will allow me to be accessory, by my acquiescence, to so improper a sacrifice.

As I desire most sincerely to avoid misunderstanding with the Magistracy or Citizans of this place, I think it proper to place before you in the first instance certain facts, to the exact truth I pledge my Honor.

I undertook the journey to this place, upon the urgent advice of my Phisician accompanyed with his assurance that I might do it with perfect safety to myself and to others. I began it, for greater caution, two days later than he had recommended. We left our own house on Sunday morning the 15 instant, after haveing previously taken the air for two or three days successivly in our Carriage.

Our intention was to pass the River at Kings Ferry, but when arrived there we found there were no adequate means of taking over our Carriages which led us to take the rout th[r]ough the Clove and by way of New Burgh. These circumstances renderd our journey more than usually irksome and fatiguing. We travelled different times till Eleven OClock at night, and the day of our arrival at the ferry opposite to this City, we came no less a distance than sixty four Miles. The obstacles which induced us to remain there through the night, ill enough accommodated, certainly not of a very restorative nature; and yet with all this fatigue and embarrasment Mrs Hamilton and my self are at this moment in better Health than before we were attacked with the desease which is the Subject of so much alarm.

Moreover, as well for our own safty as from an unwillingness to spread a dangerous desese through the Country—we were particularly carefull in leaving be hind us every article of Cloathing which had been on us or near us from the Earliest approach of the Complaint, except perhaps some washed linen which was first thoroughly washed. With the exception of washed articles, neither of us has brought a single thing, which from its nature or situation, could possibly have imbibed infection. Indeed all such of my Cloathing as were capable of conveying infection were adapted to the Summer; those I brought with me are suited to Winter.

With regard to the washed articles common sense will at once pronounce that there can be no possibility of danger.

This detail is of a nature to remove from every reasonable mind all apprehension concerning us.

Either we have had the desease, or our Phisicians and ourselves have mistaken something else for it.

On the first Supposition, it is obvious, after all that has taken place, that no particle of infection can remain about us; on the second, it must be equally obvious that none can exist, when I inform you that our Summer residence has been two Miles and a half out of Philadelphia and that it is upwards of three weeks since either of us has been in that City. In the first case, what ever infection may have existed must have been compleatly discharged. In the last, the lapse of time concurring with the fatigue of so long a journey proves that none can have existed.

With regard to our servants it was my original intention (to avoid multiplying causes of inquietude to our particular connections or the citizens at large) to leave them at some place on the other side of the River where they now are and will remain long enough to dispel all apprehension on their account and give intire satisfaction. My carriages also are and will continue there. But we cannot conveniently be here without our cloathing; and as to being ourselves confined under the eye of a guard or exposing the family of General Schuyler to the mortifying situation of being cut off from their usual intercourse with the Town & their friends, it is absolutely inadmissible.

I hope I shall never be wanting in due consideration for the feelings of any community. I am sure that my regard for the citizens of Albany predisposes me to every reasonable accommodation to their wishes; and when at my own command I trust they will have no cause to think that I have slighted the indications of their present state of mind. But there are bounds to every thing. I can make no concessions inconsistent with due attention to my own delicacy or to my rights as a Citizen.

I am far from disapproving in the Magistracy or Citizens of Albany a careful attention to their own preservation from a contagious disease. But permit me to say they are both under an indispensable obligation to regulate their precautions by the rules of reason moderation & humanity. They are not at liberty to sport with the rights and feelings of a fellow Citizen. They are not at liberty to adopt a principle of conduct which if generally pursued in the full extent of its consequences would expose him to perish in the fields without subsistence & without shelter.

In our case there is the fullest evidence from the circumstances that there is no just ground of apprehension. The Physicians of your City have confirmed this inference by their unanimous testimony. This is and ought to be sufficient.

I am therefore Sir to declare to you that after the present day all stipulations which are said to have been made by General Schuyler will be considered as at an end. And we shall all think ourselves free from any other restraints than our own decisions and prudence shall dictate.

If I hear nothing from you in the course of the day I shall take it for granted that this declaration is not unsatisfactory. If I am told the contrary I propose tomorrow to recross the River with Mrs. Hamilton in order to put every thing where it was before any stipulations were made. I shall then repass the River with her to proceed to her Father’s House.

The result will determine whether from causeless apprehension, in violation of law & right, of that protection which is the primary object of Society—citizens are to be excluded from an asylum in the bosom of their family; in other words whether a Citizen has rights or not; and whether a public Officer who persevering in a faithful discharge of his duty, undeterred by considerations of personal hazard has happened to contract a contagious disease is, in return, when perfectly recovered to be deprived by arbitrary and tyrannical means of the essential rights of a member of the Society—merely because it has been his lot to have had a dangerous disease.

In the execution of this plan, which force alone can interrupt, I count equally on the exertions of the Magistracy to prevent lawless violence and on the good dispositions of the body of the Citizens, who will respect their own security & rights too much to permit those of a fellow Citizen to be violated. With respect

I am Sir   Your Obedient serv

Alex Hamilton”

[hymn2000]

Ideal Confusion - MCU AU Fanfic - C14

(Title subject to change)

Story summary: Giving into the constant pressure from the press, Tony decides to put a rest to the rumours that Peter is his biological son - once and for all.

Previous Chapter(s): 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

Part of my Frostiron and Spiderson series.

Warnings/themes: family, family stuff, adoption, DNA test(s), pressure, peer pressure, social issues, mentions of alcoholism, mental health problems, potentially some minor medical inaccuracies, mentions of corporal punishment, hurt/comfort,mentions of suicide

You can also find me on AO3

Chapter 14 - Bitter Fingers

-

He knew exactly what he was doing, thumping out heavy, almost furious, soulful notes, singing the words perfectly, with feeling, with vigour, with a real sense of urgency. 

“You’re good” Tony said, once he’d finished the song.

Peter slowly turned to him. He’d had a feeling he was being watched; he just hadn’t realised who by. They’d ended up in another argument after Li had left the previous day, and hadn’t spoken since. He turned back to the piano.

“I know”

“Why don’t you play something else? Something classical?”

“I don’t want to”

“Why not?”

“I just don’t” Peter said, putting his hands back on the keys.

“Well, play something more upbeat”

Peter paused, thinking, and then started playing. At first Tony seemed almost approving, but as the first verse flew by, his expression changed.

“-Think I'm gonna kill myself, cause a little suicide, stick around for a couple of da-”

“PETER!”

“What?! You told me to play something more upbeat!”

“I didn’t mean this! This song is so insensitive”

“Sir Elton tried to kill himself thrice:- I think he’s within his rights to sing about it” 

“That doesn’t mean you are!”

“Don’t you have anything better to do?” Peter scowled. “Why are you up here?”

“I wanted to see you play”

“Why?”

“Why? Because you’re my son, maybe?”

“Oh, so I’m your son now, am I?”

Tony sighed. “Don’t start”

“I’m not starting anything” Peter shrugged, looking back at his piano, studying the front as though he had a songbook open. 

“I thought you liked performing. You’ve been singing to your father, haven’t you?”

“He actually wants to listen, and he’s not in denial”

“What makes you think I’m in denial?”

Peter gave him a look, looking so similar to Loki that for a moment, Tony wasn’t sure how to react. Eventually, he just sighed and sat down next to Peter, taking his MP3.

“I’ll choose something for you. You can play by ear, right?”

“I’m playing Sir Elton” Peter said. “Don’t mess with my playlist”

“Alright, calm down. How about Crocodile Rock? That’s an upbeat one”

“Maybe I don’t want to play anything upbeat. Stop messing with my stuff”

Peter tried to snatch the player back, but Tony held it out of his reach. 

“Fine. Do you think you can play I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues?”

“Maybe I don’t want to take your suggestions” Peter snatched the player back, scrolling through. “If it’ll make you go away, I’ll play a less sad one, but this is as good as you’re gonna get”

He put his player down, shifted position so he wouldn’t clash elbows with Tony, and once again set to the ivories. In some ways, it was easy to block Tony out, even with him so close. But in other ways, he liked knowing he was there. More than that, he liked knowing that he was good:- he could play, and he could sing, and he’d achieved every bit of it without any help, knowledge, input, or support from the man sat beside him, who just so happened to be part of the reason why he was ever born. He could feel himself being watched, but he made sure never to look at him, and he just kept performing, feeling melancholy, but triumphant - almost like he wanted to stick out his tongue at his father and shout; “nah nah ne nah nah, look what I can do without you!”. But instead he just kept singing.

“...If someone else is suffering enough, oh to write it down. When every single word makes sense, then it's easier to have those songs around. The kick inside is in the line that finally gets to you, and it feels so good to hurt so bad, and suffer just enough to sing the blues. So turn 'em on, turn 'em on, turn on those sad songs. When all hope is gone, why don't you tune in and turn them on..?”

-

Peter took his headphones off. For a moment there was silence, and then Tony turned and wrapped his arms around the boy, pulling him close. Peter stayed still, hardly even daring to breathe. He wasn’t sure he trusted Tony’s intentions, whatever they might be, and after some of the things that had been said over the past couple of days, he wasn’t sure he wanted to be near him at all. After what felt like an eternity, he spoke, surprising himself.

“Just because I love you the most, that doesn’t mean you’re the best parent”

-

Loki looked over Tony’s shoulder. 

“What are you looking at?”

“Just an email from the school. They’re doing a huge show at the end of term”

“I thought we’d essentially decided to withdraw him from the school?”

“Yeah... But maybe we should send him back now. Let him finish the term”

Loki was quiet for a moment. “Why the change of heart? You don’t want him to end up leaving out of someone else’s choice, do you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well. Let’s be honest; if he were at a mainstream school, and-or you weren’t his father, he’d probably have been expelled by now”

Tony took his hand away from his mouth. “...Am I a bad parent?”

“Sometimes”

Tony couldn’t help but laugh slightly. “Thanks for the brutal honesty”

“Do you really think I’m going to lie to you? Especially after the way you’ve been since we got those DNA results?”

Tony didn’t respond. Loki sighed, looking at the email on Tony’s screen. 

“Is there really much point sending him back for two weeks?”

Tony shrugged. “Get him out from under our feet?”

“Charming. And here I was thinking you’d turned a corner”

“I was joking!” Tony exclaimed, showing a glimmer of personality for the first time all day. “It might be good for him to get out of the house, and tie up loose ends. I don’t think he’s talked to any of the Bunnies since the last time he was there”

“Well, if you took the time to stop sulking and actually speak to him, you’d know that he’s still been talking to Flo, and he’s even made amends with Millie”

“And Macy?”

Loki grimaced. “Still a touchy subject, I think”

Tony sighed heavily. “They were such a cute little group. It was good that he had proper friends. He’d never really had them before”

“Well, maybe not, but I can’t say I think it’s that important. From what I’ve learnt, humans don’t often keep their school friends throughout the rest of their lives anyway”

“That’s not-” Tony stopped, and sighed. “Go and get him, would you?”

“I think he’s busy”

“Loki” 

“Alright, alright. I’ll go and get him”

-

Loki waited until Peter’s song had finished, and then gently laid a hand on his shoulder. Peter jumped slightly, pulling his headphones off.

“Oh, it’s just you”

“Your presence is requested in the kitchen”

Peter whined. “Do I have to?”

“Yes”

“Why? What does he want?”

“He wants to ask you something”

“What?”

“I shouldn’t say”

“Aww, please!”

Loki took one look at Peter’s puppy-dog eyes and gave in. “Fine, but don’t let on I’ve told you. He wants to ask how you feel about finishing the term at school”

“Oh” Peter said. “Well, sure. It’s only a couple of weeks, isn’t it?”

“Yes. Do you think you can stay out of trouble for that long?” 

Peter shrugged. “Maybe~. You’ll relay my message, won’t you?” He turned back to the piano.

“Hey, you’re not getting out of it that easily!”

“Aww, but daddy! I’ve nearly nailed that hard piano riff in Burn Down The Mission! It’ll throw off my groove if I stop now!”

“You’ll just have to practice later” Loki said, taking hold of him and lifting him into his arms. “Come along, Elton. Better not leave him waiting too much longer”

-

Peter couldn’t work out why Tony didn’t seem satisfied with his answer. He stayed where he was on Loki’s hip, feeling somehow tiny and mighty at the same time. 

“You’ll go back tomorrow then”

“Why tomorrow?”

“Why not? It’s Monday. Better day than any” Tony said. “You’d better find your uniform so we can get it ready”

“By ‘we’, I take it you mean me?” Loki said.

“Um-”

Loki laughed. “Don’t look so scared! I’ll sort it”

Peter looked at both of his parents, but settled on Tony. 

“This is going to be my last term, isn’t it?”

Tony didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to. 

“Did you need anything else?”

“No...”

“Can I go back to my piano now?”

“Maybe take a little break” Loki said. “Your hands must be aching after all that playing”

“I’m fine!”

“Hold your hands out”

Peter did as he was told, reluctantly, and with a bit of difficulty due to his position. Thank god for strong thighs, he thought to himself. Loki took one look at the boys shaking hands and shook his head.

“Let them rest, sweetheart”

“It’s just a trapped muscle” Peter tried.

“You really shouldn’t try to lie to someone as good at it as I am” Loki said.

“Well, I don’t want to lounge about doing nothing” Peter pouted. 

“No amount of baby-face is going to make me change my mind”

Tony watched them together. Bar a few unsavoury incidents after May’s death, Loki always managed to hold it together and be a good father to Peter. As much as he hated to admit it, Tony knew that it was him who was always rubbish is times of crisis. Loki was right; he was a bad father sometimes. Especially since finding out he was a biological father. 

“Why don’t we go for a swim?” he suggested.

Loki and Peter stopped and looked at him, Peter glaring, and Loki very nearly doing the same. 

“...Theoretically... Could a god impregnate a human woman at the same time as a human man, and have shared parentage with the human, so like, the kid had three bio parents?”

Loki looked at him, searching his face. He glanced at Peter, and then back at his husband. He knew what he was getting at.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Anthony”

-

They didn’t go for a swim. Tony started sulking again and went down to the lab, not doing proper work; just attempting to make comprehensive shapes out of solder, while Loki tried in vain to teach Peter some magic upstairs. 

“It doesn’t seem to be taking” he said eventually. 

“Maybe humans can’t do it” Peter said. “I can kinda feel it when you put your hands over mine, but I can’t make any of that feeling come to me naturally, yknow?”

“Well, perhaps you aren’t made to do magic. Maybe you need a spark to begin with.. Ah well. Your talents lie elsewhere”

“I guess so” 

Peter closed his eyes, trying to focus on pushing energy to his fingertips like Loki had said. No matter how hard he tried, it still just seemed so much more like a concept and a metaphor than an actual physical thing he could do. He gave up and opened his eyes.

“It doesn’t work. Can’t you like, transfer your magic to me or something?”

Loki laughed slightly. “It doesn’t really work like that, chick. Now, you should probably go and get all your school stuff together; save having to do it last thing”

“Aw, it’s gonna be tough having to get up in the morning. I’ve completely fucked up my sleep schedule”

“I guessed as much. And don’t swear: you know your dad’ll go spare if he hears you”

“That’s his problem”

“It won’t be when you’re over his knee now, will it? Now go and find your uniform. We’ll sort everything physical and then work on a game plan”

“Alright. But can I ask you something first?”

Loki raised an eyebrow, an always ambiguous notion in situations such as this.

“Why have you been looking at houses to buy in Scotland?”

“Peter, I told you to go and get your uniform”

Peter sighed, shrugged, and went to do as he was told. 

-

He was distracted from his Loki-based thoughts when he found the uniform. It felt weird thinking this would be the last term he’d wear it. He’d hated it so much at the start, and he wasn’t exactly a huge fan now, but oddly, he felt almost attached to it. Aside from the hat. He’d never worn that. In fact, the only thing he’d really done with it, aside from hate it, was use it as a frisbee. It made a surprisingly good one in a pinch. He’d worn Flo’s school hat a few times when she’d put it on him, but the girls had straw hats with ribbon, which were quite universal, and even looked cute on some people. A far cry from the horrible little peaked caps the boys had, which suited only the smallest of the first years and exactly five people in Peter’s years group, one of which was Macy. St Hendricks certainly had its downsides, but at least, despite everyone owning them, the hats weren’t strictly enforced. It had saved a lot of embarrassment. 

Peter looked at his uniform, specifically the jacket and tie. Come to think of it, they’d both taken quite a beating. He was actually on his third tie: he’d train-tracked his first one so badly that the bottom six inches were unrecognisable as a school tie, and he’d been told he had to either buy another one or go on uniform report, and he’d set the second one on fire with a bunsen burner to set the fire alarm off after a teacher had told him that being a famous persons son didn’t give him any right not to pay attention in class. He was still quite proud of that one. Malaki had taken the blame for him though, so he’d never seen any real repercussions for it. 

As for his blazer... well, it was only Loki’s surprisingly perfect sewing and washing skills that had made it last as long as it had. It had been stained with everything you could think of, from blood to poster paint, and somehow still come up clean. It had also suffered it’s fair share of ripped seams and torn lining, and of course the time the back seam had completely given up following a particularly rough drama lesson - another incident which had nearly landed him on uniform report as well as in detention. 

It was quite funny, in a way, how he was perceived at that school. At Midtown, he’d been a bit of a loner, a bit of an outcast, but generally a model pupil. At St Hendricks, he was generally considered a hell-raiser - and it was the teachers who had said that first, not him. When he really thought about it, he could almost understand where they were coming from. Malaki aside, they were used to everyone falling into line and behaving like young ladies and gentlemen. So Peter rocking up and throwing tantrums (and fists), catapulting rubbers at the back of Nigel’s head, pushing Malaki into the swimming pool in the middle of lessons, and pulling drainpipes off the wall while retrieving footballs from the roof was probably a bit of a culture shock for them. 

Not that everyone seemed to mind. A lot of people seemed to have a bit of a soft spot for him, for whatever reason. He’d even quickly won over the new PE teacher, despite famously being bent over the equipment trolley and paddled with a cricket bat during the teachers first week at the school. Even then, he hadn’t really hit him hard (and nowhere near as hard as he’d hit Nigel, who was by his side being disciplined a little bit too often). N-Pet, as he’d quickly become known, was, along with Mr Musgrove, one of Peter’s biggest defenders. Peter had become very good at using his small and quiet side to his advantage, even to such an extent as causing havoc and running to hide behind a teacher he knew would have his back. Maybe he was a little bastard, Peter thought. But maybe that made sense, considering the school he went to. 

Peter took Loki his uniform, but he didn’t stop. He went to sort out his school bag, thinking deeply as he did so. He’d been so sure he’d hate the school, but he didn’t really, not so much. He’d made friends fast enough, and he’d had good times. And weird times. Especially where Nigel was concerned...

Nigel was certainly weird. Him and Peter had essentially been sworn enemies since day one, but, for some reason, Nigel always defended Peter, even covering his back to stop him getting into trouble. And then there was all of their store cupboard encounters. And the time Nigel had asked him to the dance. And that time at Nigel’s when-... Well, Peter didn’t like to think about that. It had ended in an argument anyway, which was very on form. Peter still didn’t know what to make of Nigel, but he was sure Nigel didn’t know what to make of him either. Maybe it was one of those questions that didn’t really need an answer. He didn’t suppose he’d ever see him again after the end of term anyway.

He hoped he’d still see Flo. And Millie. He wasn’t sure about Macy yet, or Malaki. He supposed the next couple of weeks would be a final hurdle where the latter two were concerned.

-

Loki went to find Peter a little later on.

“I was getting worried” he said. “You just disappeared”

“Sorry...”

“...What are you listening to?”

“...It’s called Black Tables”

Loki sat down beside him on the bed. He knew that look, and he suddenly knew why Peter had been alone in here for the past few hours. Peter kept his eyes on his hands. He’d gone too deep into his thoughts, and he knew making eye contact would be fatal.

“You should try playing this some time” Loki said. “It’s got plenty of piano in it”

Peter nodded slightly. Loki was quiet for a moment, and then he rested a hand on Peter’s.

“Sweetheart”

Peter looked up at him, and burst into tears. 

“Oh, sweetheart...” 

Loki carefully put his arms round the boy. At first, Peter didn’t move, but he gave in soon enough and he held onto his father as he cried. Loki slowly tightened his loose grip, and Peter cried harder. He rested his cheek against the top of the boys head, and rocked him gently.

-

The bedroom door burst open, making them both jump.

“Tony! You nearly blew the bloody door off!” Loki scowled. 

“Don’t exaggerate” he looked at Peter, snug in Loki’s arms. “Have you got all your stuff ready for school?”

Peter seemed to shrink away from him. He stayed quiet.

“I asked you a question, Peter!” Tony snapped.

“Don’t shout at him!” Loki shook his head disapprovingly and hugged Peter tighter. “It’s all ready; don’t you worry about that”

“Good. What do you want for tea?”

“I hadn’t really thought about it” Loki said. “I’ve got my hands full”

Tony sighed. “What’s up with him now?”

“I don’t know yet”

He held Peter protectively, trying to shield him - but Peter had other ideas. 

“You’re what’s wrong!” he suddenly shouted. “You’d know that if you cared”

“Sorry, I’m what’s wrong?” Tony said, shocked. “Don’t be ridiculous!”

“I’m not being ridiculous!” Peter shot back. “You could at least admit to how you’ve been acting!”

He tried to pull away, but Loki held onto him, adjusting his hold slightly.

“Peter, stop it” he said. “This isn’t the time for an argument”

“Well, why not?! When is the time?”

“Peter, I said stop”

Peter went quiet, but growled defensively when Tony sat down next to Loki. 

“I think we need to talk, don’t you?” he said. He glanced at Loki. “Just the two of us?”

Peter clung to Loki. He had a bad feeling about this. 

“Well... I could always go and get started on tea” Loki said, letting go of Peter.

“No! Don’t go!” 

Loki couldn’t ignore the urgency in his voice. “What is it?”

“Please don’t leave me alone with him!” Peter begged, keeping tight hold of Loki’s shirt. “He’s gonna do something to me!”

“Oh for gods sake!” Tony fumed. “You’re being ridiculous! You’re just getting all muddled in that silly little mind of yours”

“Tony! Don’t speak to him like that!” 

“Like what?! I thought you were going to sort some food out?”

“I’m not leaving, not when he’s scared”

“He’s not scared; he’s just attention seeking!” Tony insisted. He narrowed his eyes at Peter. “You need to start behaving yourself”

In Peter’s ears, that sounded like a threat. 

“See?! He’s gonna hurt me if you leave!”

“I’m not gonna hurt you! And if I was gonna smack you - which I should, considering your attitude as of late - I’d have no qualms about doing it in front of your father”

Peter started crying all over again.

“Oh, that’s it; turn on the water-works”

“Tony, that’s enough!” Loki snapped, pulling Peter close. “You’re upsetting him, and I’m not sure I like the look in your eyes either”

There was a short silence, and Tony stood up.

“I’m gonna get started on tea”

“You do that”

-

Peter was more than just a little reluctant about going through to the kitchen for tea, but Loki managed to coax him. There was still a heavy atmosphere between the three of them, and Peter’s spidey senses were still giving him grief. As a result, he couldn’t settle. Everything tasted weird, and his throat was tight, so eating wasn’t easy. 

About halfway through the meal, Loki excused himself and stood up. 

“W-wait, where are you going?!” Peter squeaked, struggling up and scurrying after him.

“Hey, hey, don’t look so scared!” Loki said, stopping him. “I’m just going to empty my bladder: I’m going to do myself an injury if I hold it any longer. Finish your tea”

He carefully detached Peter’s hands from his shirt. Peter watched the door close behind him. Suddenly the kitchen felt a little too bright, and he became hyper-aware of the fact that Tony had been watching him. He swallowed, his mouth feeling and tasting weird, as though he’d just had a nosebleed. 

He snapped round quickly when Tony stood up, and took a few steps back. 

“I’m just about sick to death of you, young man” Tony growled. “Now, come here!”

Peter shook his head, his pulse beating in his ears, and took another step back.

“Right”

Tony grabbed hold of him. Ordinarily he wouldn’t have been a match for the boy - but all of Peter’s fight seemed to have disappeared, and all he could do was gasp and flinch as Tony tugged him closer. 

“I’m sick of all your attention seeking and drama performances. You need to learn how to behave yourself”

Peter tried to say something - anything - but that familiar horrible feeling was welling in his throat, choking his words as though he were talking to a complete stranger. The seconds seemed to be dragging, and he felt hot and sick and helpless, unable to speak, shaking, but hardly able to move. He tried hard to pull free from Tony’s iron grip - and was suddenly smacked, hard. It made him jump and flinch at the same time, and before he’d really comprehended what had happened, he was over Tony’s lap, and he was smacked again. And again. And again.

It hadn’t always hurt this much, Peter was sure of it. And it definitely didn’t use to make him feel sick like this, or set his senses off like this. And he’d never been so overcome with fear as to cause his selective mutism to act against his parents. He completely froze, stuck, unable to even gasp audibly. 

But then he heard footsteps. And the door. And then he was suddenly back on his feet - but only just. 

“What the hell is going on here?! It’s no wonder he was so scared earlier if this is the way you’ve decided to treat him!” Loki shouted, putting an arm out to support the trembling Peter. “Those DNA results should have strengthened your bond, if anything:- not made you turn against him!”

“This is nothing to do with that!” Tony insisted. “He doesn’t know how to behave! Cutting discipline out of our parenting-”

“We didn’t cut out discipline! We-” he stopped, looking at Peter. “Are you ok?”

Peter shook his head. He suddenly found his feet, and was out of there in a flash. There was a pause, and then Loki picked up where he left off.

“Just because we stopped smacking him, that doesn’t mean we stopped disciplining him, and you know that as well as I do. And that” he said, gesturing. “Was definitely not what we used to do! I saw, and that was a proper wallop; that wasn’t the kind of thing we ever agreed on. Don’t get me wrong, Anthony: I knew you were going to hit him again sometime soon. But I expected a little spanking, not a good attempt at knocking the living daylights out of the poor thing! What the hell were you thinking?!”

“I don’t know! I was angry! He’s been doing my head in!”

“You’re not allowed to pull that card! It’s no excuse for what you’ve just done! You’re angry at yourself; not him!”

“How’d you work that one out?”

“Because I know you, Anthony Edward Stark! And so I should, considering how long we’ve been together. Peter has not done a single malicious thing since we got those DNA results, unlike you, Mister Stark. Ok, maybe he’s done a few bitchy little things, but only in retaliation to the things you’ve done first. And besides, you’re meant to be the grown-up here: why don’t you try to act like it?”

“...I haven’t been that  bad”

“Is that so? Why don’t we reflect? How about the day we found out? Not forgetting of course your insensitive crack at my infertility, but how about causing an argument over him moving a tub of coffee, which ended in you slapping him across the face? Or how about ignoring all his calls and texts? Sure, you seemed better after that night away, but then you got back to causing arguments and having a go at him for no reason. And-”

“Ok, ok, I get it!” Tony interrupted. “I’m just stressed”

“Oh, and I’m not? Good god. I’m glad he’s going back to school: it’s probably in his best interests to be away from you right now”

There was a short silence. 

“I’m not a bad parent, Loki”

Loki looked at him. He looked at the uncertainty on his face, and the tears in his eyes. He kept looking hard at him, and as soon as Tony started crying, he looked away. 

“I’m going to go and check on my son” he said, and left Tony to his own devices.

-

Loki fully expected Peter to be cuddled up with his elephant, so he was surprised not to see him there. The en suite was empty, as was the bed - both on and under. He stood for a moment, thinking, and then went to his own room, only to find that empty too. He checked the reading nook, and the garden balcony, and then stopped. He knew where to go.

-

Loki opened the door to the store cupboard by the swimming pool. There, beside the mop buckets under the shelf, was exactly what he was looking for. 

“Now, this takes me back” he said gently.

Peter didn’t protest when Loki sat down beside him. He was hugging the May bear, resting his cheek on it’s head. It was made out of a shirt that had been in the box May’s work had given Peter. It usually lived on a shelf, displayed proudly, out of harms way, and Loki had long since learnt how bad a sign it was to find it in Peter’s arms. 

“...Do you ever wonder how his dad was with him?” Peter mumbled, breaking a long silence.

Loki paused. “I don’t think all those scars are from adulthood, if that’s what you mean”

“You dad was abusive, right?”

“Odin? Well. Not physically. Mentally, and emotionally, I think... But when your brain is wired as strangely as mine, it’s hard to work out what was wrong and what wasn’t. He was never really a father, not in the right way. I was there for the wrong reasons. He only saved me to use me as a bargaining chip. He never liked me. I don’t care anymore”

“What about your mum?”

“Ah. Well, she was definitely my mother. I suppose a part of me thought she always would be”

“So what happened?”

Loki smiled sadly. “I fell in love. I haven’t seen her since before I moved in with Tony”

“That’s a long time. It’s gotta hurt, right?” he paused. “She wrote to you”

Loki nodded. “She sent a wedding present. From Odin as well, supposedly”

“Did you ever reply?”

“No” Loki sighed. “There comes a time when it just feels pointless. It would be like looking up someone you met once in a pub and trying to have a meaningful conversation”

“Would you see her again? If you had the chance?”

“The way I see it” Loki said. “If she had wanted to stay in my life, she would have made an effort. There’s a lot stopping me from returning to Asgard. Nothing is stopping her from coming to Midgard”

“Does it still bother you?”

“Sometimes”

Peter raised his head, not looking at Loki, but more open now. 

“Why do some people have such hard lives?”

“It’s simply the luck of the draw”

“We’ve got dreadful luck”

Loki laughed slightly. “Maybe. But we’ve had some good luck too”

“Maybe...”

“Well, I got to adopt you, didn’t I? Despite the circumstances leading to it, that’s some luck, isn’t it?”

A small smile tugged at Peter’s lips. “Maybe”

Loki looked round the store room. There was time when they spent a considerable amount of time in here together. For whatever reason, after May died, it had become Peter’s hiding place. It had stayed that way for a long time, but now it was a little unusual to find him there, and definitely not a good thing. 

“Are you ready to come back upstairs?”

Peter nodded slightly.

“Ok...” Loki picked the boy up carefully, feeling almost as though he’d gone back in time. 

-

Loki sat cross-legged on Tony’s bed, watching him carefully. He was sat looking through a photo album, wet tears still on his face. 

“I’ve never been great at the hard stuff, have I? I mean... Even that year he came to stay with us, and you were so ill... I didn’t treat you great then, did I? I was kinda dreadful to you at times. And I cracked after May died. I guess we all did, but still... All that year... Even that first Christmas, I was all cross. Overreacting to the curfew thing a bit, I guess. And then when he had that building site accident, and the way he played up at that party, I got all cross about that too”

“We both got cross about the party. He did show us up a bit”

“Mmm... I was rubbish with the Kindsprengen stuff. Well, not the take-down, but the kid bit, especially that first week... And I guess I’m kinda responsible for your downfall after the IVF thing”

“You didn’t force the bottle into my hand”

“No, but I enabled it. I was too busy drowning my own sorrows to even listen to you, so you just did what I was doing. We basically isolated ourselves together. I was bad with the kid then, too. Said I’d keep visiting even though you were ill and couldn’t. And didn’t... Gave him up... Argued a fair bit last Christmas too...”

“What are you thinking?”

Tony lowered the album and looked at Loki. 

“I’ve been really bad lately. I don’t think my meds are working anymore. I don’t think they’ve worked for a while now”

Loki didn’t seem to react, but his eyes moved, and they said everything. 

“Tomorrow” Tony said. “You know people will rush me through”

He looked back at the album for a moment, and then closed it carefully. Loki watched him get up and put it back on the special shelf with the wedding album. 

“Do you think we should do couples counselling? Or, like, family counselling?”

“I think we’d be better off actually talking to each other before dragging someone else into it”

Tony sat back down beside him. “You want to say something else. I can tell”

Loki took a deep breath. “Maybe it’s just as well I’m infertile”

Completely without warning, both men broke down in tears. As if by magnetism, they found themselves in each others arms, and as horrible as they both felt, it was still good to hold each other.

-

Peter looked relieved but reproachful when his door opened.

“I thought you weren’t coming”

“I had a few things to sort out. I thought you might have fallen asleep by now”

“I tried, but... I don’t know. Everything hurts and it’s kinda keeping my mind awake”

Loki picked Peter up and sat down with him in his lap. Neither of them said anything for some minutes. 

“...Do you want to sleep in my bed tonight?”

Peter nodded. 

“Ok... Grab a cuddly toy”

-

Peter had always liked Loki’s room, and times like this made him regret not taking advantage of being allowed in there so much anymore. It always felt a little ethereal; strange and different, as though it wasn’t really part of the house. It was like a little window into Loki’s mind that showed you what he loved the most, and what made him feel the calmest and safest. It was his comfortable space. Peter couldn’t help but notice how Loki seemed to relax as soon as he closed the door behind them. As though he’d arrived home.

He was quiet. Silent, even. Peter didn’t say anything either. He let Loki set him down on the bed and tuck his toy Peter Rabbit in beside him. He lay there, looking around him while Loki was in the bathroom. Peter liked most everything in this room, from the silken sheets to the family photos, to the old Snoopy on the chair by the wardrobe, to the deep rug by the bed. The only thing he didn’t like was the Betty Boop lamp. None of the little statues bothered him, but the lamp was a big one that was essentially a light up ornament, and it always seemed to watch him. He sat up to look at it - but it wasn’t in it’s usual spot. Looking around, he couldn’t see it on any of the dressers or shelves. He carefully slipped off the bed, curious now - and then froze like a deer in headlights as the en suite door opened.

Loki raised an eyebrow. “Going somewhere, chicken?”

“Your lamp’s gone!”

“Oh? Which one?”

“The Betty Boop on the lamp post one”

“Ah” Loki sighed. “Yes”

“What happened?”

“Well. Your father was showing me his new developments for the Iron Man gauntlets” he said, picking Peter up and putting him back on the bed. “Only it wasn’t perfected, and it malfunctioned a little and fired and... Well. Bye-bye Betty. Beyond repair. Completely shattered”

“That’s awful! Did you cry?”

“Maybe a little” Loki admitted. “So did Tony; he felt awful. He couldn’t find another one online, but I said it didn’t matter either way. Could have been worse, I suppose”

“You really loved that lamp. It took you years to convince him”

“Enough about the lamp, sweetheart. It’s getting on a bit, and you could really do with a good nights sleep” Loki pushed Peter onto his back. “Stay”

Loki turned the night light on and the big light off, and then finally climbed into bed. 

“Have you stolen my pig?”

Peter handed it over. “Do I really have to go to school tomorrow?”

“It’s best that you do, darling. No, don’t start fussing. It’s only a few weeks, and then you never have to go again”

“I guess so”

Loki put an arm round Peter, hugging him close. “Goodnight, sweetie”

“Daddy?”

“Mm?”

“You’re the better parent”

Loki closed his eyes. “Go to sleep, chick”

*

[artdjgblog]

Innerview: ​Sonya Baughman​ / Review Magazine​

July 2008

Image: DJG's "Live & Let Die" Record by Paul McCartney & Wings

Note: Interview for a magazine feature.​

01) Where did you grow up and where do you live now? My young cloth diapers treaded a lot of dirt, dead animal and doggy acres in the North Central stick regions of Missouri, Mid-West, USA. Currently, adult plastic diapers drag and sag me in mid-town Kansas City, MO. The first six years had me bucking bales, falling off hay wagons, piercing my cheek on a hay bale stinger, assisting with the old cow stuck in the mud, designing elaborate tunnels and forts from tomato cages, watching “The Muppets” and “Star Wars” a lot, hearing scary stories of Leopard Man, posing for many pictures with dead and live animals, rocking out in cowboy boots to “Live & Let Die” on my Papa Smurf guitar, and crying at night to my raccoon wallpaper…among many other early formative brain tattoos. Act Two had many dry summers and the bank repossessing the farm and moving us to the home and acres where my Dad grew up. The new place had a blacktop in front of it and a gravel lane with a bridge/creek. The blacktop was a reservoir for leaving behind summertime shoe and bike impressions and for popping tar bubbles in the blistering heat. I also was of age to really explore and build many forts and treehouses in the ditches, barns and woods. Also, I started to go hunting and spend time in the fields with my Dad. We never had a shortage of animals and pets too. A lot of spare time was also spent in the sandbox or in the bedroom designing and building things based on what I saw and experienced. There was also a massive in-take of drawing and pop-culture from comics, books, music, television and movies. There wasn’t much of a cap on what my siblings and I could devour. Oh, and loads of sugary sweets and cereals. Go thr​ough the yearly motions and I end up at Southwest Missouri State University in Springfield, MO. There I got some very formal education and incredible interaction with students and design professors from the great making thing ways of Eastern Europe and Russia. I pretty much maxed out my art and design class card and was even making a ton of design work on the side for musicians. I then received a higher calling to drop out of school and make my guts out in Kansas City, MO which is where I’ve flopped around now for the past seven years. 02) Talk a little about your artistic background. Are you self-taught, did you go to college for art (if so, where)? My background is painted with loads of pop-culture from the 1980s and ’90s mixed in with the soil of farm life. I also designed and built many elaborate tree houses and forts up until the age of eighteen and spent most any spare minute in the sandbox or locked in my room drawing, reading, studying, video game playing, movie watching and just playing in general. I’ve never understood people’s ability to get bored or to not use the creation within them to ooze life out. I’ve enjoyed drawing comics, sports mascots and WWII battle scenes with my Dad at a young age that involved aircraft carriers, tanks and flags of those involved in conflict. My older brother would also draw a lot with me. He was better though. My younger sister and brother were pretty solid too. We have no idea where our creativity came from other than a great uncle, maybe? Also in my youth I would make giant collages out of magazine clippings and lots of mix tapes of Dr. Demento’s bizarre radio program and recorded and memorized many a variety of cartoon episodes and cool shows like Pee​-w​ee’s Playhouse. I’ve also been a constant collector all my life. Back in the day I was all about the whole spectrum of toys, comics, ball cards, cereal boxes and loads of other junk…even kept dead animal parts under my bed. In the fifth grade I won a county wide logo contest for a skating and bowling fun center and it was the first time I realized disappointment with design as my logo was butchered by those higher-up. In middle-school up until my junior year of high school I studied more comics, logos, sports architecture and wanted desperately to design new-vintage baseball stadiums until the realization of my poor math skills hit like a ton of collapsed buildings. I even won a Kansas City Royals baseball essay contest. Getting made fun of daily in high school stunk, but it really fueled my work ethic, dreams and caused me to lock up in my bedroom at night. Though, I still wish I would have worked harder in my youth. I still really enjoy working hard and being alone to this day. In the summer of 1996 I was selected to attend the first ever Missouri Fine Arts Academy and learned that I had more to offer with my insides and got a chance to interact with more likeminded minds. I came back to my senior year of high school with notebooks of typographic graffiti designs and a whole new language of what I thought was the art world. There was also a new art teacher at my school and he was serious and seriously cool and recognized that I had something to offer. I also came back to my senior year with more confidence in expressing myself and decided to dive into the world of graphic design for my post-high school studies. I had no idea what I was going to really do with it, but I knew I just wanted to use my gift of making stuff for the rest of my life. And graphic design somehow promised a bit more security in money than going the fine art route. Though, I’ve now managed to merge the two and to still not make any money. My high school scores had me at number 12 out of 24 in my class and I scraped the bottom of the test barrels to get me into college. Southwest Missouri State University in Springfield, MO said I could come and so I did. They were the only institution I applied for and I had liked it from my three week stay at Fine Arts Academy the previous year. College was great, but I could tell quickly that I wasn’t a top art pup like I was in my small school way back down the line. I was with the bigger dogs now. I struggled with drawing classes because I realized that I wasn’t as good as I had been told I was for the previous eighteen years. That was a set-back and I still wish to this day I would have worked harder at drawing. But, mostly I have trouble drawing in a cramped room with a ton of people breathing down my neck and at certain times of the day. The introduction and foundation art classes were more my calling and I could take the stuff home and work alone and all night. Most of my friends complained because they couldn’t wait until sophomore year when we would be on the computer for design. I didn’t really understand what I was getting into with graphic design. In fact, one day I exclaimed to my friends that I was taking the graphic design route that didn’t use computers and was entirely hands-on. They thought I was pretty insane for saying that and pretty much called me a fool. It’s kind of funny now though. I was so naïve at 18 and 19 to what the formal graphic design world was and I think I still am ten years later. Back when I was more bushy-tailed, I just wanted to make things and cut stuff out and not chain up to a computer…and I guess I’m still bushy-tailed, though I have a computer and use it mostly as a tool. When I finally did get placed in front of a computer, it was a struggle and I just couldn’t get into it and past the screen barrier. It almost stopped me from majoring in graphic design. But, we weren’t on the computer all the time as we were taught to conceptualize and to think and to be hands-on too. But, we needed to know the computer too. I just couldn’t get along with the computer for the longest time. Of course, the computer whiz kids just couldn’t wait for the next semester that involved a wordy world called typography. Which, naively enough I thought was about the art of map making. I liked maps, so I was excited too. But, I soon found out it was a whole new world that would poison the ABCs in me forever…good and bad. At least in type class we were still taught to think and do things by hand before messing with computer fonts. That first year or two of official design school was just terrible for me as I felt I wasn’t really “getting” it and didn’t think I would be happy as a graphic designer. I was just fulfilling project requirements and with zero heart or much care. It wasn’t until I haphazardly signed up to duel major in illustration that things started to make music inside of me. I began to really pour myself out and realize that I could approach things in a similar light as to when I was a child and be happy. Illustration saved me and I found my voice with it and my classmates and instructors started noticing. The energy there was great and everybody fed off of each other and helped each other see in new light(s). I also began to understand the valuable importance of the experience of my schooling as the instructors not only had a unique style of teaching, but they also had interesting backgrounds and culture from Eastern Europe and Russia. I could mildly relate to them as I was a transplant from the foreign farm world of North Missouri. After many design trips to studios I began to feel a very empty feeling with the profession I had chosen to represent my working life. It was not what I wanted to do with a “career”, or my time. I didn’t wish to work in a factory of fried monitor goo-lash. I wanted to just make stuff and at my own pace and pleasure. I was also very protective of my work and wanted parental rights and not for it to belong to another man’s name or dream. My love for music started to fuse with design and I began to start making many things on the side for musicians, which spread to other types of word-of-mouth work for me. An eye-popping lecture by modern rock poster designer Art Chantry sealed my personal deal for wanting to do my own thing. Shortly after that I decided I needed to change many gears in my life and secretly drop out of school following my final design class in the fall of 2001 and live with a band (and some) in a big old dilapidated orange house behind the original Lamar’s Donuts in Kansas City, MO. While some senior students had trouble looking for one real world client to work with for their final projects, I had close to 10 off the top of my head and whole bunch of future blank pages to fill. 03) During the time you have been making art have you always been drawn to this type of graphic expression? Did you “find” a style or did a style find you? I’d say a bit of both. I’ve never really gone for a set “style”. I’m sure that I’ve got one that has become recognizable to my thumb prints. Honestly, I never really think too hard about what I’m making or the why or how of the making until I have to answer questions like this. Then I start to over-think things. Also, whenever I’m told that I’m a good collagist or good at hand type or so-and-so rendering, then that is the only time I really make an effort to switch gears. I have boiled the majority of my output to be relational to the immediacy of my moods, thoughts, tickles, inclination and whatevers. Though, sometimes life can get in the way and I’ll have to slide down a small sliver of time and energy depletion, like I am with trying to get this writing out on time! But, I’m a big fan of cranking stuff out no matter what. Life is pretty darn short to sit on my hands. It seems that style can be a bit of a drag for some people and/or a hole. I’ve always been more in-tune to the folks who just follow what their gut, heart, hands and eyes speak instead of creating a set template. Some people never stray too far from that and only a few can truly get away with it. Edward Gorey is perhaps one of the few who could really make it work for me. I would certainly love to draw and think as well as he did, but I might be quite miserable doing the same thing over and over even if I was able to do it for a living. I think that a lot of people get confused and think they need to have a style and either invent one or pick other people’s noses instead of sniffing what they’ve been wearing all their life. Style to me is a lot like decorating or something. Though, at the same time that decoration might marriage perfectly to what somebody thinks they need. I don’t know though. Sometimes I think it’s funny when we as people think we need something to look or feel a certain way that’s already been communicated or visualized. I think that sometimes we are too caught up in what’s done before instead of thinking for ourselves. I’m guilty too. What’s really confusing to me, on a personal level, is when I get a request like, “We like all your work so make whatever you want!” and then the client ends up being really disappointed because it wasn’t in their “style” and then it’s awkward. Style is just an odd thing to me. But, most things are. I try to just trust my gutty heart and just make. 04) Do you see your work as communicating your identity or as helping to communicate the identity and message of others? … or both? I see it as me communicating what I’ve gathered from being on the Earth for 29 ½ years and spreading that manure the best I can. It’s a heaping helping to tell the story of others by telling my story. Most of my work fits into fine art and design, at least I’m always told that. I’m not really sure. Of late I’ve been pushing into more of the fine art bin. But, I’m not a big fan of labeling things and I would like to do many things with this thing I do. With design, one does have a role to play with helping somebody else tell their story, and at times, sell their story. There is also a responsibility to the venue the product is in or where it will eventually end up, whether a fine package on a shelf or a poster in the gutter. I feel it can be easy for a designer to lose perspective of the role playing. With leaving behind an identity…well, I like the idea of a paper trail, time-line and bruising thumb prints on this life. However, I don’t necessarily have the intent to say “Hey, look at me.” I am just another human, and one who happens to make things. If the work speaks or inspires (probably frightens and confuses on occasion), then that means a lot to me, especially in these fast-paced and flashy “everyone’s a designer-decorator” times with millions of images and advertisements everywhere. I think it’s great to recognize and at times celebrate gifts and achievement. But, I feel there needs to be a healthy balance. It can be a dangerous thing to play with at times. Some artists I feel become the work of art themselves and end up playing God with the gift and this saddens me as it usually ruins them in the long run. 05) Is there anything about your geographic location that has given you a unique perspective on design and the art you create? Certainly, growing up country might have my visions at a stranger advantage, and a howling merge to that with the city life now. You might see a lot of wonderfully strange things on the streets of the city due to the amount of activity by varieties of people and culture. But, only in small town Missouri do the deer pile up outside the meat locker and blood runs next door to the Baptist church as the high school band splash-marches through it. Growing up it was easy to take my lifestyle for granted. I enjoyed it immensely, but when I was 15 to 18 I wanted to get out a bit more. I was hungry to explore, and not just the many acres we lived on. I wanted the rest of the world. I became a little disgruntled with growing up country and I think that there is a certain stereotype placed upon people anywhere they are, but country folk get it pretty bad. I definitely ate from both sides of the fence, but also didn’t want to be hung up in it for a living. As I grow older I appreciate my roots a lot more and celebrate them and am very thankful. I enjoy going back home. And some day I’d like to move outside of the city to a small plot of land with a making things shack out back. But, my family home isn’t too far down the road for a getaway weekend visit to sit with the stars, coyote yips and fish. 06) What do you consider influences on your art? (this can be other artists, music, philosophy, nature – anything. this question is not just limited to “I’m a big fan of Banksy”) First thing, I believe in the compiling of all days in life to influence an artist’s output (horse apples or clean streets). Our walks tell a lot about who we are in the present prints. I feel that one would be lying to me if what they created was not in their full vision. But, I too think that we all wear and share influences as witnesses to what we’ve seen and where we’ve been. We all help shape each other. I’ve rattled off my early influences of popular culture. I think I’m more in-tune with my child’s self now than I was then as I sit alone and make things and pull from all my days. It’s also easy to feel that I was really moving and discovering more back then with naïve, childlike faith that I’m trying to get back now. I have some good days though and mostly when I’m not thinking too much. I’m still a fan of absorbing lots of things and from many angles. Of course I have my artistic influences. One of my big influences as a child was my Grandma Gibson. She is from the old school of the country and a very hands-on person with making many things like clothing, dead animal backpacks, blankets, pillows, fridge magnets and game board pieces. I still have a lot of the things from those years. I think a lot of my approach to making things came from her. My “professional” art world as a kid had an outside knowledge from trips to museums and PBS specials, though I felt a little detached from that world and still kind of do. My heroes were at the movies because they were more immediate to me, guys like Jim Henson, Stan Winston, Dr. Indiana Jones, Rambo and Han Solo. But, it was Henson’s world that opened me up to the first idea of an artist’s legacy, vision and spirit and glimpse of another world. Something big-time ached in my decade old gut the day I found out he passed away. Musically speaking I was very much a child of my Mom’s Beatles records, “oldies” music and a ton of television theme songs, novelty sing-alongs and old church songs. I still put a lot through my ears now and my biggest influences in music in my older years are Bruce Springsteen, Jeff Buckley, Elliott Smith and Bob Dylan. Also, I am still a big fan of tons of picture books and just anything really. I just know that I’ve never had bare space on the walls and shelves of my home and head. Oh, and wherever I am I’m usually distracted by the stuff on the ground. I’m a big collector of found notes, writings, scribbles, addresses, children’s drawings and good-bad-silly-stupid-smart designs. I like to collect ‘em all. I’ve also collected stamps since I was 10. I’m a big nerd. Here’s a listing of some names in the art and design canon who have made things that either attracted, influenced or moved me in some ways (in no particular order): Saul Steinberg, Seymour Chwast and Push Pin, Lester Beall, Edward Gorey, Ray Johnson, Art Chantry, Henryk Tomaszewski, Vaughn Olver and V23, Raymond Pettibon, Paul Klee, Stanley Donwood, Stefan Sagmeister, Cy Twombly, Saul Bass, Ivan Chermayeff, Ralph Steadman, Robert Rauschenberg, Jean Michel-Basquiat…most anybody who has something to say and develops a bad back carving out their paper trail. Movies are also a giant influence on my work and I study them almost daily. Some of the filmmakers who capture a certain craft of unique spirit that I enjoy include P.T. Anderson, Wes Anderson, Michel Gondry and the Coen Brothers. Folk Art is another big mind-blow and one of my favorite areas to study and get ticked by the of-the-moment heart, purity and passion. I love the idea of somebody just up and making something for the heck of it and not for art’s or ego’s sake. That’s the childlike thing I miss the most. The makers and shakers that move me the most from the folk art movement are Henry Darger, Bill Traylor and Robert E. Smith. And sometimes I get more out of the work on display in county and state fairs by everyday arts and crafters than so-called “professional” art and design work. 07) What is your perspective on the place of poster art here in the Midwest (or KC specifically) as it interacts with the rest of the art community and how the poster art coming out of this community may be perceived on a more national level? I’m curious about this because of the recognition Kansas City artists in general have been receiving lately on a national and international scale and how the art world tends to waffle between interest and disinterest in artists in this region. The music scene here is very interesting to me and a lot of times I think that it is just like 20 people all making it happen. Though, there is a lot of talent, diversity and genre-bending for a small town like this. There are a lot of groups making a mark here and down the highways, same with the people making stuff for them. Though, I get a little strange sometimes because I sometimes feel that the small scene mixed with the internet’s social networks and fewer record stores (oh, and most of my posters take up a whole bulletin board!) makes the poster almost secondary information and so-so decoration. In the same thought though, most of the stuff I see on the internet passes by me in a two-second window like that of highway advertising. Though, some do stick out to me because I’m always on the look to get tickled. And I don’t feel the art of the printed piece will die any time soon. Anyway, the scene just works here in Kansas City somehow and everybody takes care of and appreciates each other’s roles and contributions. I’ve had some great response to what I’m slapping up, but at the same time I think that a lot of people don’t get it. What’s not to get, it’s not too special? But, that’s fine with me. I’m not sure where I am in the scene. Maybe more-so in the “seen” department with my meager budgeted work hanging above a stool in the blurry-eyed late hours. I still think that toilets are one the best places for information gathering. Poster art in general in the last ten years alone has received a great breath of fresh air. Many of the makers are respected within a small collective, and have also been breaking through to represent on a national level of design aesthetic, as well as a well-rounded view of the printed timeline to life and culture. It’s also something that anybody can do and a lot of bands still just make their own stuff, which I’m cool and whatever with it. Everybody has their own style, agenda and empty pockets. But, the personal computer has saturated the landscape with a lot of “samey”. Then again, if it works, it works. In the end if it gets people interested and enthused, then what is there for a bum like me to complain about? And sometimes I really get a kick out of unskilled design stuff(s). I try to stay out of design politics for the most part. There is more to life than design dogma. Though, there is design all around us as we interact with it in every way from the tip-top of a tree to a paper scrap for this article. I enjoy the simple act of creation and inspiration that comes from something that seems like nothing, yet has always been a “something” growing and building and will continue to grow if the viewer lets it do so. You just have to add the proper mix of ingredients, I guess. And I guess my brain isn’t one to formerly function on the full realization to what it’s thinking. So, I’m babbling right now. I do know that something I’ve always enjoyed about the concert poster is the relatively short life span it has and how that can be used to the advantage. I just want to encourage people out there, designers/artists, non designers/artists or even church secretaries, to really push things and work harder. I don’t really care if everyone isn’t versed in design and art. In general I just encourage more to experiment with poster art, find your voice(s) and find new ways to spread the good word. Even if it’s not for a concert or an event, just make something and get it out there. Throw your junk off the overpasses if need be. 08) How has your work been received within the arts community here (and also in other geographic regions if you have been branching out)? For seven years now I’ve somehow managed to remain fairly anonymous and at the same time have sparkled a bit of attention…maybe just a glittering. Life and day job dwindle my hours to where it’s hard to even pay attention on my own stuff sometimes, so I don’t get out much here in the city. Though, I guess it is easier to keep up with things on the internet, papers and here-say. I think Kansas City is making her own dent right now with a wide variety of things going on in the arts landscape. The town is kind of booming and bustling right now. Being that we’re a small town, it’s easy for a small fish to get more wet feet. Though, I’ve never put my whole foot into anything. I just do my thing. Some days I’m not really sure what that thing is, but I do it despite my muck. When I first started on my design quest, like when anyone tackles something head-on, I was head-over-heels and not sleeping much. I was also living with bands and interacting more and actually going to shows several times a week. I don’t know how I did it without exhausting my ticker, but for some reason it all worked. I started to garner a little bit of buzz here that seemed to spread quick outside the state and international borders. Many people contact me from all over and slap my stuff alongside some of my design favorites in magazines and books. It’s a hoot. People are always interested in my story and creations. It’s all still really odd and blushing to me in some light that the little things I make are reaching a selective audience on a much grander scale. Anyway, I’ve certainly learned now that sleep is important and that it’s better for me to work smarter, not harder. Though, that’s not entirely the truth as I still work pretty darn hard and I believe in it greatly. Still, I’ve struggled with my own brand of discontent since I fell from a slide and blacked-out at the age of five. It’s something that I’m working and wrangling with. But, with any kind of actual work you’ve studied, worked hard with and duct taped up the switch with 24-7, you learn to just not think and rather DO and the moves become mechanical. I just have to put to use different types of oil to keep from rusting. It all becomes a fluid thing, or something constantly coming down on me in the grocery aisle, tree leave holes and side walk crack scribbles. It can be challenging when life stuff gets in the way, but I shouldn’t see it as getting in the way. I easily get confused, but then I realize that the things I experience and see and do (good-bad) all go into my design pot mixed with my past and then I just have to do the upchucking as I move forward and I tend to feel better. Recently I’ve definitely stepped back on my massive production of concert posters and I’m sure that many people reading this will think, “Geesh, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen this idiot’s work?” Not only has my life changed in some ways, but I also had to give myself permission to take a time out and to learn to say no to some things. A break was needed before burnout and bitter rotted my worms in the apple, among other things. I had a year of little activity and practiced sitting on my nest. I still made a bunch of stuff, but a lot just for me. I’ve also been involved in various group art shows around the country, design books and special art projects with friends spread about. Another thing I did, and still do, is just to see what other avenues I’d like to take my one man show. I’m learning to use the internet for the medium that it is too. Anyway, I’ve always got some stew samples back burning, but my biggest competition is myself…on top of time, energy and money. Mostly myself, as I’ve always been extremely hard on myself. Though, I’ve been told I make it look easy. I’ve never been good at math, so you go figure. I get exhausted from trying to figure this out. 09) Is artwork your main profession and, if not, are you intending to make it so? It’s really flattering and kind of sad when every spring I get more and more inquiries from freshly plucked and talented college students about a possible internship or job with DJG Design. In general, due to what most think to be a large and varied output of work, people who don’t know what I’m about think that there is a D, a J and a G making things. It always excites me to be contacted by enthused students and other design people (any walks of life, really) who saw something or connected to my work and got a spark. It makes me rosey, but it also keeps me a little down as I don’t make enough money to do this full-time. But, it all keeps me at my little basement bay working on my bad back and poor eye sight, keeps me (under)grounded in some ways. I’ve always worked full-time jobs and have been married now for three years. So, certain responsibilities come with walking hand-in-hand with another. For now I just spin the day job blues and try to stay content and disciplined, burning the fuel before and after work. But, age is setting in a bit and I’m getting antsy. I also grow tired easier. Good things do come out of day jobs, good design work does too. For the first four or five years I was a janitor and groundskeeper. So, loads of perks came from great finds, discards, dumpster dives and lots of free food and more time to read and study and draw. Heck, I even designed a few posters between clock punches. Currently my position has me staring at a computer doing data entry. The health care, artificial air and hours are great and I can walk out my back door and be there in seven minutes. But, it can be difficult to know that I’m sitting and squandering something back home. I do take it with me everywhere upstairs, and I do a bit of networking during the day time, but there is still that itch to make things full-time and not have a full plate of non-stop. It’s all hard to balance. But, making things is the only thing that I’m told that I’m somewhat good at. Well, other than eating junk food, watching movies, being confused and petting my four kitty cats. I am fast approaching thirty and the visual of time stacking is more evident than ever. Each space between second hand clicks is another scratch of tiny pine box to me. I am slowly checking off my list of “Before 30 Goals”, but I’m usually several cars back and sometimes it’s a pileup. Life takes a different course too. But, I have caught back a hold of a torch of some sort. I am constantly tacking up side boards to the wagon. After eight years of looking at Gigposters.com, I finally have ALL of my poster work up on there. It’s a great way to generate exposure and get my work out some more. I also have my new website up and an extensive volume of imagery on my Flickr.com account. It can be a bit odd to put one’s self out there in such a reservoir fashion, but I do like the idea of the timeline and personal file cabinet. And if my house burns down, it’s all digitized and makes it easier on my friends when they have to move me. So, day jobs…they are both blah and bling in my mind. My sling shots just point back at me on certain days. Sometimes they change direction with every sentence. At least I’m now under a thousand dollars on my student loans. I don’t make a thousand dollars in most years on design. 10) Tell me a story – have you had any strange poster requests? A project where you just about lost it? A poster that succeeded beyond expectations or failed in a way that took you totally by surprise? A project-situation-chaos that always sticks out when I’m asked a question like this happened to me back in June of 2002. It’s not a poster, but it’s pretty whacky and ended up being one of the best things that I think I’ll ever make. It was a special run of 250 homemade CD packages for the band Elevator Division. I’ve had many projects that demand more production time than my little brain imagines, but this one was the worst. Actually, the finished piece is a lot tamer than my initial idea. Though, the final image’s concept married to what the band was communicating on the disc inside is way better. The following true story I’ve released for a previous interview, I just tweaked a few glitches… The idea came at the night I started printing. Well, actually it was spray paint. I had an image made for a month or more and then changed it at the last stroke of inspiration. It married the themes for the album “Whatever Makes You Happy” perfectly. With reflections of war and relationships in the songs, I made an image of a hand shooting off its index finger like a missile. It was the idea of shooting off one’s options and making decisions. It was aggressive, inviting, serious and humorous all in one. It was not only fitting for the band/music but also to the national/world agenda and climate. I went to war that night with many cans of spray paint and the idiot mind to do two-hundred and fifty all in one massive sweep, and in my basement, which is something I will never do again because I could have died. I will probably also never be involved with another package like this again (take that back, I have been). Anyway, each one was hand-cut from cardboard and handmade stencil sprayed and rubber stamped. Inserts were cut, folded and glued. At the last mist of red spray a crack of thunder shook the massive turn-of-the-century home and I bolted from the basement and out the front door to a down poor fit for Noah himself. I was like a much less cool version of Dr. Frankenstein though. I leapt off the front porch and slid head first down the embankment and into the street turned river current. But, like a taxidermy nightmare, I was born again. The drug dealing squatters across the street were on their front step perch per usual summer evening, looking at the fire in my eyes and the red paint streaming from ears, nose and mouth. It was a high much higher than that of chemical substance. Well, maybe a three pack of design, life and paint fumes. 11) What is it about the poster as an art form that you feel is unique among other art forms? What purpose does it serve in your mind that can’t be served by another type of visual art? I’ve hinted at this in a previous question. I like the idea of the poster’s life-span being short, relative to the date and time…event, whatever. But, if it connects in the right way, and it can be different for everyone as art-design-whatever, is all relative to the viewer, I think that even a concert poster’s impact can last a long time. Since my first year in Kansas City I’ve had people find me out and say that they had a bedroom wall filled up ​with​ my work. It really moved me that something so simple (and sometimes stupid) that I squeezed out caused somebody else to be moved enough to hang it above their dreams at night. It means a lot to me when others get something out of something I’ve made. I know from child to adult, I myself have gotten something out of the stuff I’ve collected and tacked to my walls. It’s odd, yet a really nice feeling to know I’m somehow contributing to a landscape in some way. Making things is an act that I’ve always needed to do and has helped me get the best out of many days. I’ve always had difficulty with contributing in many forms of communication and on some days it’s terribl​y​ hard even just to be out and about. Making things has served as my calling with communication. It’s nice to know it can help others too in whatever way. -djg