#good morning i hope this is coherent. I don’t feel like I’m making sense rn

[the-meme-monarch]

Is your DW clock oc trans, like F to nb or original created as nb? Because their vintage skin has eyelashes. I'm sorry if it sounds rude

i don’t really know ! my sibling and i joked that they were made as a background character/ only ever used in scenes as “town rooster” to announce morning, so their gender was just never decided and so when they were brought to life it ended up being Well They Don’t Have One. but I’m really the only person I know who makes characters and doesn’t immediately decide a gender for them(often resulting in them just not having one) also if we’re applying any real world sentiments the show is from like the late 80s-90s iirc so Being Overtly Nonbinary probably just wouldn’t be allowed unless for ridicule, and this is a kids show about friendship. so yeah probably ftnb. or maybe intersex ! their vintage’s clock hands were meant to resemble a mustache

[slightly-warmer-hibiscus-tea]

I am obsessed with your painting technique, and I would probably sacrifice my first born to know how it is that you choose colors?? I love how none of your colors are “flat” or “basic”, and even though you use a variety, everything is so cohesive.

HELLO THANK YOU SM! no need for the sacrifice tho! I’m on a limited baby consumption diet rn😮‍💨

I’ll be honest I spent all this morning trying to figure out how to explain, other then “Oh, I spent a year scrolling through Pinterest consuming as much art as possible till it clicked!” Because for obvious reasons that’s not that helpful, but at the same time I have no idea how to explain what exactly “clicked” … I swear I wasn’t built for teaching (unfortunate because I want to share!!) but I’ll try and describe the process as best as I can!

The quickest run down is, it’s all about values and “the mood” ... Kinda…???

I work a lot in B&W to help memorize where most of my values need to go. The light vs darks, and what complements that.. easiest thing I can do is show-

This as an example of the process…

Getting a feel for how you want to balance your flat colors so that once you lay down your shadows and lighting, you’re just going to color pick the rest by eye to go in for the details. That way, everything is still in your set values while still building the shapes and form coherently. In practice it should give you results like this-

A self portrait to use as in example 😌

Once you have your set values you can feel free to change up the color as long as it’s in the same hue as your values. Color relativity plays a silent but important part in this, but I don’t think I’m the right person to explain that… my only tip is, if in doubt trust grey... most the time it’s correct.

Another thing is about what happens when picking your colors… again, not the best to describe this but what I find that helps is going in an arch, that we shall call “The Round About” way-

When I’m not color picking by eye, I use this method. Your kinda just going in an arch from whatever base color you have.

Star of the arch - Shadow

Middle - Base

End of the arch - Lighting

Is good for starting out in my opinion. Doesn’t really matter the direction, just make sure you’re our picking from the curve.

Last thing I think I do is about “the mood” … a lot of the time I tend to make the shadows lighter or just grey. I feel like this contrasts with more vibrant colors, and also works as a cooling effect. It’s something I do absentmindedly now but I noticed this detail a lot in works I admire. It really boils down to slowly developing an eye for color as you go. It’s a slow process, but pays off well. Always learn rules so you can find your own ways to break them! Stack and layer! And don’t be afraid to get messy with your colors! There are a lot of great tutorials on YouTube that can explain better then me though lol… but I hope that made sense!

[set-phasers-to-whump]

home

Prompt: water (alt no.12)

Whumpee: Neal Caffrey

Fandom: White Collar

what’s up everyone! welcome to my last fic for whumptober!! i can’t believe i’ve done this for the second year in a row that makes me so so happy!!! i hope that you enjoy this fic :)

The water is cold. So very, very cold. It bites at his skin and grabs at his clothes and makes his muscles nearly seize up with how much they’re shaking. Still, he keeps going, swimming deeper and deeper, his whole body fighting against him. 

Finally, he catches sight of it - the silver wristwatch which their suspect had chucked into the water the second he’d seen Neal and Peter approaching. Clearly, there had been something important on it, because the man had tried desperately to stop Neal from going after it. He hadn’t listened, of course. He’d jumped right over the railing and into the icy water without a second thought. The case was an important one, and they’d been able to turn up virtually no evidence so far. They needed this watch, so he was going to get it.

Neal’s hand closes around the watch at last, and he pushes himself off the ground and up towards the surface of the water, his thoughts of finding the watch replaced by the constant repetition of cold, cold, cold…

His head breaks the surface of the water, and he sucks in a deep breath of fresh air, which stings his throat and makes his eyes water. He coughs, then looks around for Peter, spying him on the riverbank. Neal tries to focus his hearing in Peter’s direction, sensing something is being said, but he can’t hear anything over the chattering of his teeth. 

Slowly, he swims to shore, wishing he could go faster but shivering too hard to do so. Eventually, he staggers out of the cold water and into the just-as-cold air, dropping to his knees and letting the watch fall from his hand. Everything is a constant, suffocating cold, and it hurts in a way he’s never really felt before.

Immediately, though, Peter is there, removing his suit jacket and draping it around Neal’s shoulders, providing the merest bit of warmth. “Why did you do that?” he asks, pulling Neal to his feet and keeping an arm around his shoulders to help him stand. 

“We don’t even know if there’s anything valuable in this watch” he continues, picking up said watch and stuffing it into his pocket.

Neal tries to respond, but he’s far too cold to form a coherent sentence. “Could be…” he gets out, his voice shaking along with the rest of his body.

Peter sighs. Neal leans heavily into his shoulder. “Cold,” he says, as Peter starts walking, pulling Neal along as best as he can.

“I know,” Peter says. “You jumped into a river in the middle of February. What did you expect?”

Neal shrugs, somewhat chagrined. “Know it was s-stupid,” he says, stumbling over the words. He’s never been this cold in his entire life. “Sorry.”

Peter rubs a warm hand down Neal’s back as they continue their slow walk. “I’m not mad, Neal,” he says gently. “But you put yourself in real danger for something that might turn out to be nothing.”

Neal doesn’t respond, partly because he’s still freezing and speaking is not the most pleasant activity at the moment, and partly because he senses a but.

“But I think it was the right idea. I’ll be shocked if we don’t find something of value on this watch. Good work. Maybe don’t do it again.”

Neal can’t help grinning at this, a shaky smile stretching over his face, providing a tiny bit of warmth. “Won’t,” he manages to agree, though he’s pretty sure both he and Peter know he will. 

After several more minutes of walking, during which Neal has grown increasingly colder and quieter, they arrive at the Taurus. Neal fumbles with his door handle for a bit, his trembling hand refusing to hold on to the cold metal. 

Eventually, though, he’s in the car and the heating is on high. Peter has rummaged around in the backseat and come up with a dusty old blanket, which is now draped over Neal, not doing a whole lot in terms of warming him up. But it does make him feel nice. Cared for, even. He pulls the blanket tighter around himself as an especially harsh shiver runs through him, and wonders vaguely where they’re going. 

He looks at Peter, hoping to convey his question without needing to speak. Luckily, Peter can read him, and he says, “we’re going home. We can deal with the watch in the morning, when you’re not freezing to death in my car.”

Home? Neal doesn’t want to go home. June’s out of town for the weekend and he’ll be all alone and still cold and miserable. 

Strangely enough, though, they don’t appear to be going home. In fact, Neal realizes, as Peter makes a turn, they’re going to the Burkes’. 

Home, he thinks, making a realization that he hardly dares to think might be true. Maybe Peter is just dropping by, maybe he’s taking an alternate route, or...he lets himself think it, just for a second: maybe Peter does mean home, his home, but home for Neal too. He nearly cries at the mere thought, and surely would cry, were it not for the fact that his tear ducts feel frozen shut.

“Home?” he brings himself to ask, as Peter pulls to a stop in front of the Burkes’ house. 

“Yeah,” Peter says, looking at him questioningly. “El’s making soup tonight, and there’s a game on. We can have a fire, warm you up. Come on,” he finishes, stepping out of the car and gesturing for Neal to follow.

Despite everything, Neal feels a sudden surge of warmth envelop him. Peter had meant home. He gets out of the car, this time barely fumbling with the door handle at all. 

Not one minute later, El is fussing over him a great deal more than he thinks is necessary. Not that he doesn’t appreciate it, because he does. But El is absolutely relentless, bustling him into a pair of faded old pajamas that are slightly too big on him, grabbing blankets from all over the house and piling them onto the couch for him to pick from, pushing a mug of steaming hot tea into his hands, and generally fretting over him, while Peter tells her the story of their evening and she shakes her head fondly.

“Are you sure you’re feeling warmed up now?” she asks, a few minutes later, as the three of them settle around the dining room table with delicious-smelling bowls of soup. 

Neal gives her a smile and holds up his hands, no longer shaking. He is still a little cold, particularly in his fingers and toes and on top of his head where his still-damp hair is beginning to dry, but mostly, he’s warm, and as dry as he can be, and very, very happy. 

He’s home.

aaagh big huge thanks for reading this!!!!! i am so happy rn, i finished this and my friends are coming in a bit for halloween and my 18th bday is tomorrow and i submit my first college apps tonight and aaa!! very excited very happy i hope that you are having an excellent day!! thanks for reading this fic like i said, and for reading any of my other whumptober fics too!!! this was such a fun month and i had such a great time!!!!!!

[orionsknightsky]

*incoherent word ramble cuz I both do and don’t feel like talking/ seeking out someone to talk to rn and so that means it gets to go on tumblr I guess*

It feels like absolutely nothing is happening in my brain right now but also that’s cuz I can just feel that everything has been sped up and so word thoughts are gone cuz I think they’re going to fast to hear, either that or they got dumped and it’s only other kinds of thoughts that I don’t know how to focus on happening now. Idk, like, I had whole lots of coffee (like six smallish cups of coffee but also it’s been literal months since last I drank even one cup so that is soo much) cuz it was free at work this morning and I got to sit around while people chatted for almost two hours today and just eat the free snacks and coffee, which was super cool cuz I’ve literally been looking forward to this all week, even though set aside time for morale-boosting office place gatherings are and interesting beast.  

So back to word thoughts coming from current state of being instead of explaining why current state of being is being (heh). It feels like everything is and exists so much rn and I don’t care, cuz like also there is just nothing that is me? There is no solid “me” that exists, and their is no solid me that cares about things I’m doing/knows where I should start in order to help in things that matter/isn’t scared to find where I’m supposed to be. *but also like, supossed to is such an interesting term, and I should maybe reexamine the frequency with which I tell myself I should do something or that I’m supposed to do it, cuz there is no inherent purpose to the universe and so nothing matters. But also like, a good reason why I’m alive is cuz I have frequently told myself that I’m supposed to stay alive in order to not make other people upset. And so maybe I should just tell my self that I feel like I should stay alive cuz I don’t feel happy when I make people upset? Or is that just a different version of what I have been already doing? (the actual thing is maybe that I’ve got to find a thing that I feel makes me want to continue to exist cuz it makes me feel the feels I want?, but idk what that means and also I don’t know why or how or where I’m gonna find it and I don’t think it’s gonna be until after I’m done with college {only one more quarter, woot fuckin woot!!!!!}, so I got to keep figuring out what things make my brain want to keep caring?, or just keep on telling my brain that even if it doesn’t care, it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t care cuz future brain does and will care, but also nothing matters and there is no purpose to anything even if I find purpose so is everthing just a conundrum and why will I just keep existing to live within a purposeless conundrum) I’m curious about what else there is but also I know that there’s no thing that makes it so people know why we need to be alive, and everyone is so scared of dying? and like, it will supposedly almost definitely be a painful and awful experience?? but also a lot of things are? and I don’t know why that matters cuz I’ve suffered before and got through it, and I’ll continue to suffer and get through it, and then one day I’ll supposedly suffer and not get through it, and apparently that suffering is more important to postpone then other suffering? Nothing makes sense (including and definitely this word spew) and yet everyone/society pretends like it does and that it matters and that anyone has anything figured out. but we just don’t. We just really, don’t. And that doesn’t matter, but  my brain does thing /unless it doesn’t/ and I’m supposed to continue to do things even while my brain does things even though I don’t want to do things and so I don’t excpet when I do- which is both often and unoften cuz boy the world sure just keep on coming and it don’t stop coming- but I like just observing, participation is so much hard when I have to exist as me, (school participation is not hard cuz I don’t exist as me and I just learn the things and say the words that professors/teachers need to hear in order to continue to advance a subject/teach a class) (I’ve written much of this, I think I probably am going to post this cuz words are words and whoever reads can decide not to whenever cuz like, you can decide to not do most things just whenever, but at least stopping reading this won’t have negative consequences upon your life for whatever reason -unless it does, in which case, fuck I’m sorry, that’s a weird and somewhat unforeseen circumstance)

ahffshighrghori

Why do people act as if words are easy? Communication is so impossible and yet people think they do it? and to some degree people sometimes do? But also no one ever knows if they actually successfully communicated in entirety, but also there are ways to be more successful? (and I’m not currently using most of the ones I normally do!)

But maybe just saying all the words in all the stupid orderr and not reading or working with them or doing them in more than just the way I’m “thinking” will just make them have a meaning even if it’s not important beyond what it makes them not in my head cuz fuck proper coherence nothings ever made a goddamned sense

(have you ever just exist in a place? and not made sense, even when you hear what people say? not being able to understand is weird.

Hope this doens;t)

Some of this is purposeful incoherence, but I don’t know what it means that you can just, one can just choose to then make a words how they happen in your head and that they then don’t make sense. I don’t know what I’m saying! why do other?

Why do people understand eachother, why do people think things make sense? Why do they sometimes,

gosh when people tell you to just write and see what happens they really do mean that it won’t be good the first time, but also fuck having word s that make good, it doens’t mattetr

. It just djorenst ay doesn’t.

This entire mess both is and isn’t because of the addition of caffeine to my present. Wild It’s shared because of the caffeine, but it’s existent because my existing is incoherent and not wanted/understood/necessary/working out how I imagined cuz I’ve rarely if ever imagined what existing would be./

Idk, I assumed I’d be dead when I was 10 and hadimagined that life had no understood purpose at and before then, and I never really did stop with it and that think. ogsa gshi gi gi g igi we i

Fuck man, what is

I hope if you read this you at least realize a little bit that nothing makes sense/has any purpose/matters, but that, like, that’s both freeing and makes it hard to do things and is maybe a good idea to fairly regularly ignore? Cuz none of this 

(also if you read this I hope you’re doing okay and undrstand that even though nothing makes sense and there’s no proof of purpose there’s no proof of unpurpose and so maybe just caring about people will make something better, cuz maybe happiness in the present is as good as it will ever get and so it’s okay to find and seek that out when you can?

Words are hard and don’t make any sense even when they’re in my head and what I’m trying to think. Why am I even trying to think cuz I do that anyway (as evidenced my most if not all of this words cuz dan g if not any of it was I trying to think beyond the thinking involved in not letting my thougghts rowrds thingk.

Was gonna edit it cuz the typose werewakl twp gajow

cuz the typos were and weren’t purposeful and how can you know when your actions are simulated to achieve a specific purpose and when they aren’t and why do I feel as though purposeful word order to achieve specific thoughts is a tthing to not because not. ?.

Nothing needs to make sense and I hope you’re having fun.

I also hope you’re not making the world worse, but I’m not convince I’m not, and if you are and it’s not purposeful then it’s okay if you give yourself some slack and breathe and move past it to get to where you are and can be contributing not good and not bad and maybe just good or the morality that you want to achieve and make  be in what

Fuck senssfm, sorry if 

If I pause for too long does that mean done? I think i t means slowing down and that it might be done soon, if I’ve said something that you read and word was harmful, I don’t think I did but that’s cuz I didn’t stop to think and did not intend harm but am willing at time when can think more to try and thing positively but also I’m fairly certain this isn’t somethings that  is in any way too much offensive and is probably just overly personal in an not sense making kind of way that might seem like too much later or more likely I’ll just forget about cuz who thinks. sfljagwjogogohi

Gosh I don’t like when the overthinks so trying to make this end is making that happen which makes it feel like it need s to keep being word sthat come out of my brain and do the typing even thoeugh I was trying kind of to make it stop cuz it felt like maybe it was reaching an end but why would I let it reach an end if the entire point (if there was a point which apparently I’m trying to assert that there was even though I didn’t let my self assert that there was at the begiinnning cuz obviously theres is jsust htat wacky randomness of words that just happen and not every thing that is written serves any purpose or thoughts to convey cuz If when if I try and let my words b e with and wiithout no purpose then when nad if nothing word isa than to make sens b cause thaen word that I’m trying don’t matter and that good? Fuck yah I managed to lean into not want ting to say that sentance when I lost it. In conclusion there isn’t one?

Sorry, brains and words are weird and I’m glad I did this but I don’t know what it means I and I don’t know why I said it and I dont’ know why or if you read it but I hope you knew the words you understood and wanted. Hope you’re having good, hope you find coherence, hope we have good.

[crystal-snowing]

secret idol relationship | yang jeongin

summary: being idols the two of you are aware of the strict policies that also come with the occupation, but for once the two of you just want to be young kids in love.

genre: idol! au, secret relationship! au, fluff

pairing: yang jeongin x reader

word count: 1.0k 

a/n: stray kids is debuting in less than nine hours and i am freaking out omfg! if anyone wants to talk about them, their bias, or anything just hmu bc i have so many things to say and wow no one irl likes them :(( anyways, i just want to congratulate them and say that i’m such a proud bean rn ~ <3

other members: | felix | chan | changbin | hyunjin | minho | jisung | seungmin |

this maknae would be a mess before he even began dating you.

he has been a fan of your group ever since he saw you perform at a jyp showcase event.

so, when he is finally introduced to you, he is a complete blubbering mess.

he can barely get out his name, let alone speak coherently sentences to you.

finally, when his group members drag him away from you, he realized how much of a fool he must have looked in front of you—his bias.

unbeknownst to him, you found him to be quite endearing and a cutie pie.

he attempted to avoid you like the plague, hoping not to have any more awkward encounters between the two of you.

that is, until you cornered him and demanded to know why he was the only one out of the rest of his group members that was acting weird around you.

with tomato red cheeks, and sweaty palms he confessed, causing you to confidently slip him your number and telling him to call you some time.

this boy cannot keep a secret.

literally, he tells his hyungs everything, but he didn't want to risk anything leaking to their manager or JYP.

but it was so hard.

everyday when he was texting you, smiling at his phone or opening the selfies that you sent him.

not to mention that he was also a terrible liar.

“ooh jeongin, who are you texting?”

“um, my mom—”

“you tell your mom, that you can't wait to see her and that you have been dying to kiss her all day?”

“and you don't?”

it was already an understatement to say that the boys were suspicious.

most of the time the two of you are only able to hangout after school or late at night. 

between managing classes and training, the two of you were already swamped with responsibilities—but you both could always squeeze some time in for each other.

this includes secretly walking him back to the dorms after school, or him taking a detour on his way home from school in order to meet up with you.

causing his friends to speculate and become suspicious. 

“jeongin, what the hell this is the third time this week, are you doing drugs or something illegal?” 

cue blushy and red-faced maknae 

“no, no, no i swear it's not like that at all!” 

sometimes, he would be able to walk you back your dorms, the two of you stopping a few feet away so none of your group members or onlookers could see the two of you together. 

he would give you a long hug, wrapping his arms around your frame and not let go for a solid five minutes. 

and sometimes if he's feeling a bit bold, he'll lean in and give you a soft peck on the cheek before taking off. 

he would then have to explain to the other members why his cheeks are so red after arriving at practice. 

most of the time when seeing each other during the day is simply not possible, the two of you opt to meet each other at obscure hours in the night. 

of course, it's a difficult task attempting to sneak out of the dorms without waking any of the group members up, but the two of you manage. 

hand-in-hand, the two of you would walk the streets of the city, not really having any particular place to be. 

your head would rest on his shoulder, his arm around your waist as you both stumbled around the city, enjoying each others company, the sounds, and the night life. 

however, your nightly escapades do come with some consequences, the next morning the two of you are barely functioning having only slept one to three hours throughout the night. 

you, being slumped over on your desk at school—constantly having to be nudged awake by your friend who is sitting right next to you. 

or jeongin, who was told by chan to only take a five minute rest break, was hunched over, asleep and drooling slightly. 

the members always having an array of ways to wake him up, including taking their water bottles and squirting him with the cool water inside.

“come jeongin get up, i said rest for five minutes, not take a nap!” 

“i'm up, i’m up, i swear.” 

when the two of you happened to catch each other staying late in one of the practice rooms or in the halls without either of your members around, you both would take advantage of the situation. 

your favorite place to go is the roof, which is mostly free of peering eyes and other trainees and idols.  

you both would enjoy watching the sunset together, intertwining your hands and talking about your day—explaining all the idiotic things that your members did that day. 

you would both stay up there till the air turned chilly and the stars began to peak out under the dark sky.

saying goodbye was absolutely the worst, neither of you really wanting to leave the other. 

but after a couple of kisses and long hugs you would separate—each of you facing the scrutiny from your group leaders upon returning back to the dorm. 

“jeongin! practice ended hours ago, where were you???” 

“oh, i stayed back to practice the choreography—”

“ahh makes sense, by the way your cheeks are looking a little rosier than usual—oddly enough in the shape of a pair of lips. isn’t that strange?” 

sometimes what scares jeongin the most is that the two of you are so young. 

you are his first love, his first kiss, and he wants you to be his first everything.

the two of you rarely get into fights, more like heated disputes, but there are times where he fears that the two of you may break up. 

they say that all good things must come to him—and he could swear that you were the best thing that has ever happened to him. 

upon finding about his fears, you kissed him so hard that he could swear that he forgotten how to breath for a couple of seconds. 

“do you really think that i’m that shallow?” 

“no, of course not, it’s just that―”

“i’m not going anywhere, alright, no matter what happens i’ll always be by your side.” 

and from then on, jeongin could swear that it would always be you and him against the world. 

[toukenra]

@lithiel Oh my gosh thank you so much for sending this in I just got reminded of all the reasons why I love Tsurumaru he’s so precious I just want to suck up all the sadness he’s been hiding like a sponge and wrap my arms around him like he did for this Saniwa (yes I’m low-key jealous rn) thank you thank you thank you I really enjoyed worked on this one! (灬♥ω♥灬) (although this took me more than 6 hours of racking my brains but i’m very thankful for this request) And for the edgy dragon/wolf… Kuri-chan, just resign to your fate because as long as I live you will be loved by me there’s no running away from my love. 

I’m just gonna assume there isn’t any established relationship between them YET (ehehe) so that’s why they weren’t allowed anywhere near her room although the swords more or less have a crush on their Saniwa and vice versa if that’s okay with you! And yessss~ gimme all the cheesy and cutesy fluff in the world~, I’m highly allergic against any kind of angst anyway so I hope you’re going to like this one!! (♡ >ω< ♡) sorry if Kuri-chans scenario turned out so much longer than the rest i wanted to write something longer for him and just ran out of ideas after writing this ._. *gets tomatoes thrown at me*

This could get quite lengthy so under the cut just to be safe

Ookurikara/ Kuri-chan

Why did he have to share a room with Mitsutada and Kuninaga who in the world could sleep besides these nosy swords? he openly grumbles as he walks to the bathroom to escape their loud snoring

suddenly his foot makes contact with something soft

an irritated look makes its way onto his face when he realizes it’s his current master sleeping right in his way

hasn’t she heard of a bedroom before??

woah slow down there Grinch

ponders whether he should just let her sleep over there or if he should call for Mitsutada to fetch her away when he hears stifled sobs coming from her

crouches down and is ready to wake her so he can go back to sleep

‘O-okurikara..please..’

shoots right up at hearing his name and bangs his head on the wooden beam with a loud thump startling the both of you

your face flushes a deep shade of red once she realizes that the man you’ve  been longing for in your dream is standing right in front of you although he was angrily rubbing his temple by now

shoots you the death glare but upon seeing the fresh tears on your face his expression softens just the slightest

‘What? Don’t you even know what a bedroom is anymore or why were you sleeping out here in the cold? And what about crying like that you sure are bothersome.’

‘I-I’m sorry.. I guess I was sleepwalking and just landed out here. I-it’s fine you can leave me now.’

he really thinks about just going back to his room but in the end he just can’t find it in himself to leave you laying there like that

curses himself and the whole world and grabs you by your arms, basically dragging you back to you room

after laying you down you expect him to leave when he suddenly drapes himself right next to you, his arms pulling you flush against his hard chest so you couldn’t turn around and look at him

you were surely getting a heart attack by now

‘Ookurikara??!’

‘Tsk you sure are annoying, stop moving around so much.’

you knew all too well that he didn’t like physical contact at all so being held in his arms like this touched your soul deeply and you were about to start crying again

‘Y-you don’t have to stay here with me..’ you mumble apologetically but he only pulls you tighter against his chest

‘Tsk, just be quiet already. I’m only here because Kuninaga is snoring so loud’ he grumbles, making you smile a little at realizing how kind he really is

‘Thank you then, I will not forget your kindness’

‘I’m not doing this for you. Now just close your eyes’ he grumbles against your hair, making you giggle in delight

‘You know how people say that animals and children can sense the true nature of a person. I knew you were kind the moment Gokotai’s tiger cubs started climbing on you. Good night, Ookurikara.’

stay silent but is secretly blushing heavily into your hair

he hates it. 

he hates it all: the warm feeling spreading inside his chest at listening to the soothing sound of your even breathing, the wavering scent of your shampoo that is tickling his nose and the sensation of holding a warm and lively woman like you ins arms, god he hates it why does the world have to punish him like that

(translation: he loves it so much and doesn’t want to let you go ever but Jesus he’d rather get skinned alive than admit to it)

both of you fall asleep just like that, legs tangled and intertwined both of you basically melt into one

would probably want you to sign a confidentality agreement next morning lol

if you ever tell anyone about this you’re dead

Tsurumaru

‘Oya oya what kind of surprise is this?’

his eyebrows start wiggling when he finds you sleeping in front of your room

ponders whether he should jump out on you or draw on your face but you were always so firm with keeping him and the others away from your room at night

which only made him more curious on what you were trying to hide from him

on a closer look he suddenly remarks that your body is shaking and tears are spilling from your closed eyes

that was definitely another surprise, but surely not the kind he wished for

he didn’t even know that humans could cry during sleep and it honestly breaks his heart a little at seeing you in this pitiful state

‘..rumaru..’

??? was that his name coming from your sleeping form ???

‘Tsurumaru.. please..don’t let me go’

yep, ok that was definitely his name spilling from your heavenly lips

and you’re wanting to be held by him? sure both of you had been playfully flirting for some time now but never would he have thought that there was any deeper meaning to it

at least not from your side

he tries to keep his cool, he really does, but his heart rate just skyrockets to unhealthy altitudes

carefully sweeps you up in his arms without waking you and carries you back to your room

lays down next to you and peppers your face with little butterfly kisses, even licking up the salty tears off your cheeks until you scrunch up and open your eyes, only to be greeted with the sight of Tsurumaru licking your nose

your first instinct is to yell bloody murder but a quick peck to your forehead silences you immediately

‘Geez, surprising me like that wasn’t funny, Master. If you wanted me to hold you that badly you could have told me from the start.’ he graces you with a kind smile before he presses a soft kiss against your nose

silly crane why u so cute ilysm :’))

not being able to form any coherent sentence you just bury your head in his neck and mumble a teary-eyed ‘thank you’ against his heated skin but he understands it anyway

holds you tightly and strokes your hair until you fall asleep 

probably teases you next morning because you were drooling on him

makes it his life mission to never let you sleep alone again

good luck with trying to escape his nightly cuddles  (not that you mind i know it)

great excuse to be close to you hehe

can you feel my love for him?? because my heart sure is overflowing with love for this precious crane

Ichigo

he loved his little brothers, he really did but sometimes at night he just wished to have some moments just for himself so he carefully removed Hirano’s arm from his chest and slipped out of the stuffy bedroom

admiring the full moon and fresh night air he just wanders around the Citadel until he suddenly finds himself in front of your door

somehow he always landed here, partly because of how connected he felt towards you whenever you flashed him that kind smile of yours and mostly because of his heartfelt desire to be closer to you

as if his prayers had been heard a soft whimper made its way to his ears

startled, his eyes darted to the origin of the sound only to be met by your sleeping frame draped on the porch

his heart breaks in two at seeing your closed eyes filled with tears and how vulnerable you looked in the dim moonlight

were your nightmares the reason you never let anyone near your room during nighttime?

heavily torn between wanting to kiss your tears away and being afraid of your reaction when he hears his name being whispered in between your little whimpers

404 ERROR ERROR Ichigo.exe has stopped working

after calming his racing heart  it only took him 7 minutes  he realizes that you were crying because you must have felt lonely and his heart just breaks again

musters all his courage and carefully nudges you until you sleepily open your eyes and pulls you into a tender embrace

‘I’m sorry for not realizing my desire to hold you like this any sooner but please allow me to embrace you like this for tonight.’

pure angel is bright red and dying inside but keeps his promise and doesn’t let you go for the rest of the night or ever again

he’s the epitome of cuteness 527457% would kiss him

Izuminokami

absolutely flabbergasted when he finds you sleeping in the cold 

how did you even land there?

doesn’t give it a second thought and carries you back to your room bridal style because he’s sure he looks very cool doing so when he realizes there are tears streaming down your beautiful sleeping face

and you’re even mumbling his name with that cute angelic voice of yours?

oh lord please give him strength because he has to gather all his strength to not wake and devour you right on the spot

why does my sinful mind want to make this naughty bad girl Anni

decides its better to let you sleep and ask for an explanation next morning

gently wipes your tears away and presses feathery kisses against your temple

tries to be very cool and composed about holding you like this but when you sigh against his neck cool sword warrior just melts into a big puddle

let’s be honest: you’ve never slept any better than in his arms because damn that guy probably smells so good

probably teases you a little next morning for clinging to him during your sleep

shut up Kane-san, you were enjoying this as well

Kashuu

poor bab is lost when he finds you weeping in your sleep right in front of your room

he just wanted to use the rest room and now this

wonders if he should call for Yasusada because he has no idea what to do right now when he overhears you whispering his name 

excuse me what?

you’re calling out for him right?

or were you crying because of him?

13637 questions and no one to answer them for him

it takes him about 20 attempts but in the end he wakes you and worriedly asks you why you were sleeping outside and dear god were you upset with him or why did you cry during sleep?

after you shyly admit that you just wanted to be hugged by him and ask him to stay the night with you poor angel just faints

reluctantly agrees to stay with you although he is screaming and dying inside

very stiff at first but eases into it fairly quickly and falls asleep with you since he realizes this is the ultimate proof of still being loved by you

- Mod Pancake 🥞

[bpd-black]

hey guys, so this is gonna be a long ass post, but here’s the tldr version: i love you and i hope you continue to learn about yourselves, and advocate for your mental wellbeing cause y'all are literally so beautiful and important and an integral part of our universe, the world literally wouldn’t be the same without you ✊🏾💕

SO, i just wanted to let y'all know that if you’ve ever messaged me (and this is for my black followers, btw, the rest of y'all … i don’t know why tf you’re here, but none of this is for you so ✌🏾bye, you can leave lol) please please know that i almost always read whatever’s in my inbox right away, and that i do care about your questions and what you have to say, even when i don’t answer right away or at all. you guys reaching out to me is NEVER bothersome. NEVER dumb. NEVER ridiculous. and tbh, it’s always flattering to think anyone would come to me w/ mental health concerns, considering that this blog literally started as a place for me to just vent out into the void & that i used to block anyone that followed me, lol.

(i jus didn’t want people to follow my blog ??? idk, i just felt like i had no other outlet to scream, and i was in a really bad place back then, idek, it made sense at the time. anyway, NOW this blog is a place for me to store information, affirmations and links to resources that i find informative or helpful. and i actually really love getting feedback (cough and validation cough) from you guys 💖 so pls, just know that you mean a lot to me.)

THE THING IS, though: i’m still not a professional. and when it comes to something as serious as mental health (especially in the black community) i just feel like i still have too much learning to do and too much healing to do before i’m qualified to offer any real advice. rn, all i have to say to most of y'all is ‘damn, thas unfortunate, me too’ and i really don’t want to give anyone a half assed answer like that, lol. it might take me a while to research what you wanna know, so yeah. bls be patient with me.

also i kinda wanted to introduce myself, since i don’t think i’ve ever posted an intro on this blog lol:

in summary, i’m a twenty one year old black girl, gay as hell, still living at home, still unemployed, still on leave from college, and still struggling just to shower and get out of bed every day :)) which sucks and i hate my life rn and i battle with like, intense self hatred cause a lot of my family is very disappointed in me and, quite frankly, i’m very disappointed with myself.

moving on, lol, more about my mental state: i’ve only ever been professionally diagnosed with depression and gad, though i personally believe i experience too many bpd symptoms to rule out the possibility that i am, in fact, borderline, and so i consider myself as such.

(( a small rant about that real quick: imo, and tbh, labels are just terms that researchers make up to help organize studies, keep track of patterns, and come up with plans and solutions to help large groups of people. so, basically, i am a strong advocate of NOT beating yourself up too much when it comes to finding the ‘right’ label for you and NOT attacking someone else that you don’t think ‘fits’ the description for a disorder or illness according to your research. like, yeah, fake ass neurotypicals are annoying as hell and they can all choke but ! the only person who really knows what’s going on in someone’s brain is that person themselves. and NO ONE owes you a dissertation on their mental struggles just to ‘prove’ they’re in pain. so, imo !!! it’s just a lot more important to recognize and identify what SYMPTOMS you struggle with, and the severity of said symptoms, and worry about umbrella terms later !! cause that insight will make it easier to look for help and advice and !! mental illness and personality disorders are all on a spectrum. so yeah. go easy on yourselves 💕 anyway, i struggled a lot with that concept, and for far too long, SO just wanted to get that out of the way before i continue (hope that made any sense) but i digress!!! ))

i also struggle with both intrusive and suicidal thoughts, a few minor self destructive habits, and i’m currently taking medication for my depression and anxiety. and tbh, though i still have some pretty terrible days, i will say the meds have helped a LOT. and i’m so glad, cause i’m the first in my family to openly take medication for a mental illness (stigma stigma god fucking stigma) and i was so so scared the meds would just make it worse, but they didn’t, so yeah :)

also, and this is a bit personal (but i’m willing to be a bit vulnerable with you guys, if it’ll help anyone at all) but, i planned on killing myself last year. it didn’t happen (evidently lol) but i ended up staying at the hospital for a week and then participating in a two week partial program after that. i’m currently looking for a new partial program or support group that i can join, and i’m trying to get a job and get back to school.

also, i have been seeing a therapist since my senior year of high school (which !!is a bit of a wild tale tbh, but long story short, my parents literally refused to believe mental illness was a real thing for the longest time. and it wasn’t until i told them i literally wouldn’t graduate high school if i didn’t get some help that they believed me.) my first two therapists were awful racist white women (still fuckin hate them btw) but my third therapist was a really cool white woman who actually introduced me to my current therapist who is this really amazing black woman and so far, i feel like she’s been the best fit for me. but i’ve very recently had to put my therapy sessions on pause cause i’m poor as hell and couldn’t pay for them anymore, so yeah. and, tbh, that’s really been stressing me the fuck out as of late, but what i’m trying to do is make the most of whatever other resources are available to me (helplines, textlines, self care strategies, forums, blogs, google, etc.) and i still have a social worker so idk, i should be okay 👌🏾

anyway, that was a lot of oversharing but, now you all know where i am atm ;) and i only share this with you guys cause a lot of asks i receive are about feeling like shit for not knowing what pd you have, or about being too poor to afford good health care, or not knowing how to convince your conservative ass black parents that you’re dying and need help and like !!! all of those topics are so so important to me on a very personal level !!! and i wanna help y'all so bad. but tbqh, i’m still trying to figure this shit out myself 😕 so, what i’m hoping is, just by letting you know more about my experience and being as honest as i can about it, at least one of you readin this might feel a little less lonely dealing with your pain. idk.

anyway, second to last thing: fr tho, i hope y'all know that it is both a rare, and amazing trait to be as insightful as so many of you are. even just trying to figure out ‘god, what is wrong with me’ and taking the time to do the research, is self care. it’s defiance. it’s acknowledging that a better life is possible, and it’s straight up refusing to settle for the pain you’re in now, for a life less fulfilling than what you know you deserve. i feel like the generations before us didn’t do that enough (with good reason, tbh, even today it’s still hard to know who we can trust) but it’s high time black people start healing our minds and our hearts. so power to you ✊🏾

and yeah. that’s all i wanted to say this morning. i’ve been wanting to say all that for a while, but wasn’t sure where the hell to start. i just hope that was all coherent and made sense, lol. don’t ever hesitate to message me guys. i may be an emotional wreck that takes too long to reply, but i do love you. lol.

and please please please continue to research things on your own as well, like. keep up with the latest studies, the TED talks, the blavity articles, the mental health blogs etc. etc. learn as much as you can about how to take the best care of you, even if my executively dysfunctional ass can’t help right away lol.

also !! (last thing, i promise) a quick update about this blog: i edited it a bit, namely my tagging system, to make it a bit more useful. i won’t go through all my tags here (maybe i’ll add an about page and a tag page later) but, for example, there’s my new affirmations tag (full of helpful reminders that i like to think about everyday) my positivity tag (just, yk, positive shit that makes think positive thoughts) and my black tag (whatever content i feel like pertains to just my fellow black + mentally ill peeps, cause lbr a lot of our struggles only happen at the intersection of both identities) 💕

i also have a music tag for music recommendations!! cause i like to believe music is very healing all on its own ;)

AAAAND that’s it lol 😘 stay safe out there guys !! this world is wild but, tbh, we know better than anyone what it means to make the very most out of our lives no matter what. happy black history month 🖤

[herarebels]

A folklore review by an aspiring author.

the 1

The beginning sounds like a college coming of age movie, and then follows the narrator as she looks back through her previous relationship.

cardigan

I really love the imagery. And I love the parallel of the narrator is told she knows nothing because she is young, but she insists that she knows one thing- her lover. I’m also getting young adult Victorian London romance vibes.

the last great american dynasty

I really like how Taylor equates herself to Rebekah, and says that she is the next mad woman to own the house. (Is Mad Woman about Taylor or Rebekah?!) I love that Taylor says that she did all of the things that Rebekah did. The past tense of the last few lyrics made it sound like Taylor sold the house?

exile

I loveeee this song to write about a romantic couple too. I love her imagery, and her word choice. I’m imagining this couple still being in love, but they were separated by a misunderstanding. And now that they see each other in a location, and now they don’t know what they’re living for because they still love the other person, but they feel like the relationship is unfixable.

my tears ricochet

I like the intro vocals/instrumental. I have two thoughts going off of this song. (WHEN I”M SCREAMING AT THE SKY?!) The woman died, and her ghost is watching her love interest at the funeral. What if this is the couple from the song before (?!?!?) and the woman died unexpectedly, and her ghost is haunting her love interest because she still loves them even after their mistakes. Or it could be the couple from above, and the burying is their breakup. She’s fighting because she wants to stay for her love interest. (I’m getting real forbidden love vibes here.) Maybe they were enemies to lovers, and he had to kill her, and now she haunts him. This song really fits Daenerys and Jon really well too.

mirrorball

I love the effect on Taylor’s voice. I see myself and what I used to do in the past in this song. This could be taken literally as Taylor’s need for the audience and how she changes herself to keep their attention. And she wants to be a source of comfort and entertainment for her fans, even when no one pays attention to her anymore. But it could be taken as another romantic thing where one partner just wants to make the other happy and they have each other as the world burns down (dancing with our hands tied bridge anyone?!)

seven

Aw I really like this cute song about Taylor’s childhood. I like that she recalls her attitude as a child being less subdued, and that as she grew up she had to do so to become more civil. I also just like her wondering if there are any good things in the world anymore, and equating those good things to her childhood. (Also, INTHAF vibes.)

august

Okay I claimed this one off of the tracklist, so hopefully it’s good lol. AHHH ITS SO CUTE! I’m getting college relationship vibes. *its one of the love triangle songs* “Back when I was living for the hope of it all” I really love the music and her voice in this one, it matches the vibes of the song perfectly.

this is me trying

So um I accidentally skipped this song, so this review is not going to be as coherent as the other songs in this place of the album. (You should probably skip this review and then come back to this after you read hoax.) I love the echo effect on her voice. This is the third song of the love triangle that I couldn’t find in betty lol. Another forbidden love. What the hell. Wait, this is super short. And I love it. Dang.

illicit affairs

The high *down* and *stop* and *him*. FORBIDDEN LOVE VIBES AGAIN. Could this be the same couple from exile and my tears ricochet? OOooh I love the harmonies. I love the bridge! (Honestly I think I’m going to need to make a couple of new OCs for this trinity of songs.)

invisible string

Hahaha bad blood easter egg. I really like the idea of invisible strings tying all of the people of your life to you. This is a really cute love song to Joe. This is sooooo cute.

mad woman

I have been forewarned that this is a doozy. Oh Taylor is out for blood people. She’s gonna be burning the witches now. We all know the “two” she’s talking about. Oh. Wait. I don’t really appreciate how Taylor is talking about one of their wives however. (I know that it does not directly reference the people that she’s talking about, but there is so much media attention on this topic that anyone could figure it out.) While she does make a good point that the woman isn’t mad at her husband because of societal conditioning. I believe that is not Taylor’s business and she really shouldn’t have put that in a song in my opinion. Overall, good song! I just didn’t agree with those few lines at the end.

epiphany

Oh frick this is going to be sad isn’t it. Wait is this the song about her grandfather in WWII?!? It is. Oh no. Anddddd she mashed it with covid. Nice dude. I’m totally fine. I like the servitude theme of the song. I like the notes and the backtrack of the song, I think it really fits the topic. This song really fits our world right now, and I like how she related it to devastated events of our history. It really shows that someday we will have our epiphany during this pandemic and we will get through it just like we got through everything else that happened in our history.

betty

So I saw three theories about this song:

1. Betty is Joe’s mom.

2. William Bowery is Joe writing with Taylor under a pseudonym.

3. Apparently Joe and Taylor are going to announce that they secretly got married in this song.

Let’s see how the theories pan out, shall we? I love the harmonicas! School children again? Maybe this is the love story of Joe’s parents? Joe’s dad better be named James. Wait what was the other song that talked about picking up somebody for a drive? August? Is this another love triangle song? Then if these two are the love triangle songs, where's the third? Did I miss it? Is CARDIGAN the third song? Why else would she reference it again? Dude I’m so confused.

peace

Okay, we are ignoring the whole love triangle debacle for now. Why is this titled peace but it’s explicit? I feel like those two words don’t go together. Wait this is the ultimate love song to Joe. I’m about to cry. I want this. I want what they have. I saw somewhere that Taylor told a secret sessioner during the rep sessions that the bridge to CIWYW was originally “dreaming of angels, raising angels into good people with you.” (I cannot confirm that this is true, I am believing this person’s word.) Taylor didn’t put it in because she was still worried about the delicate (lol) nature of their relationship, and she didn’t want any pregnancy rumors. But now in peace we get: “Give you my wild, give you a child.” Guys I’m actually crying rn. This is growth, and I want what they have one day. I want to be a part of a couple that never settles down and stays forever young. I want to be a part of a relationship that is romantic and that is also platonic. This is my next OTP song oh my gosh, it’s perfect.

hoax

I’m getting forbidden love break up vibes again. Why is this album full of songs like this? But this song also has a lot of references from Taylor’s life that she has sung about throughout the years. Is Joe the sadness that she’s referencing, idk? It’s really late and I know that she is talking about things in her life that she is already written about, but I’m not catching on to what they actually are.

overall thoughts:

I really like this album. This is a songwriting quality that we haven’t had from Taylor since Red. (Not that her other albums were bad at all!) I haven’t been a Taylor fan for very long. I grew up with YBWM and Love Story, and I knew all of the radio singles off of Red and 1989, but I didn’t become more than a casual listener until reputation (which is still my favorite album by her!) I write in the fantasy genre, so it’s really hard for me to write to 1989 and Lover, and I am not really familiar with self-titled, Fearless, and Speak Now.

What I love about this album more than her other albums, is that folklore isn’t really about Taylor’s life. As a media consumer, I like to know what the media I am watching, listening, or reading is about. Because of this, I know a lot of little details about Taylor’s love life and other things that have happened to her that she has written about. But as a writer it is hard for me to separate those instances in Taylor’s life from the songs. I can’t think of them objectively. So this album really gave me a lot of inspiration.

Also, this is a sound that we haven’t heard from Taylor since Red. Folk music really lends well to fantasy writing, and I was ecstatic when I saw the pictures yesterday morning. I just knew that it was going to be the Taylor version of a folk album. (One of my dream Taylor genres has been fulfilled, now I just need a WANEGBT 1989 tour-esqe album. Taylor pleaseeeeee.)

As of right now, all of the ones labeled forbidden love are my favorite. But I think my top three off of the album (in order) are:

peace

exile

my tears ricochet

Anyways, its 3:00 am and I am probably not making any sense anymore. I think I’m going to post this without checking it over. I apologize if any of this is incoherent. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.