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brelione · 4 years ago

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Love and Hate (The Best Boys)

dude come on. you said you’d upload the next chapter on christmas and now it’s been a whole week after and it’s still not out. :(, hi! when are you posting the next chapter of tbb??, tbb????, Are you posting the next chapter of best boys soon? I miss her, when will you be posting the next part of the best boys series??, Ok I’m over TBB I’m just gonna say she ends up with Blah Blah and they live happily ever after, the end. Thank you for the amazing read, it has been fun❤️, TBB is literally the last series I have to finish before I can finally peace out of the shithole that is the OBX fandom for good but like no rush or anything baby❤️,When do you think you’ll be posting the last chapters of TBB?, Hey queen how’s the writing for best boys going,

Series Masterlist

SHES HEREEEE

Yes, im aware this chapter is all over the place. I went through writing four different versions of this chapter and this is the one that I decided to go with. I know that this one is kind of a little ahfioshviowenvionae but it all comes together next chapter (I already started writing the next chapter). Im so sorry that this is so late. I’ve been having issues for a little bit. My grandfather and my dog passed away and I recently had a relapse and I think that’s why it was taking me so long. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter <3

Warnings:Nothing really, swearing and unedited. Also im sorry if you dont like this chapter but like....yeah.

You were awoken to the sounds of screaming.Topper ended up at the foot of the bed, Kelce still clinging onto you.Rafe was absent from his spot but the mattress was still warm and had a slight dent which let you know that he hadnt been gone long.

You had spent most of the night trying to find the perfect spot on the mattress, one arm thrown over kelce and your heel against the back of Toppers thigh.It seemed like it hadnt been a super long time since the sun had risen which meant that it was probably around seven in the morning by now.

Your heart was thumping in your chest, trying to pay attention to what the voices were shouting.Something about a mess and irresponsibility but you couldnt hear much besides that.Rafe stomped up the stairs, opening his door.He was shirtless, face red from yelling and his eyes slightly watery.You sat up, making Kelce grumble.

Rafe’s jaw was slightly dropped, his nose beginning to run and his body trembling.“Hey, what happened?”You asked, gaining Kelce’s attention.Topper’s eyes opened slightly, looking over at Rafe.The tall boy didnt say anything, he just dragged his feet across the room and sat back on the bed, mumbling.You were hesitant to grip his hand, squeezing lightly.

He just stared at a wrinkle in the blanket but the sound of something breaking downstairs told you that it had been more than just bickering.Kelce was worried, knowing that his parents had gotten home late last night and would see the mess he had created. “He doesnt want me living here anymore.”Rafe spoke up, a few tears rolling down his cheeks.

You pulled him closer to you, arms around his shoulders as he sobbed, your fingers rubbing against the back of his neck.He squeezed you tightly when he head footsteps coming up the stairs, silently praying to any god that would listen that it wouldnt be Ward.Kelce’s phone kept buzzing but he ignored it, knowing exactly what it was.

He knew that it was coming and he would be lying if he said that he didnt expect it, nervous the whole night as he waited for his phone to blow up.“What are you gonna do?”Topper asked.As much as you wanted to scold him for asking that when Rafe clearly didnt want to talk about it it was still something that you had also been wondering.

Rafe didnt answer, taking in a deep, shaky breath that hurt his ribs before picking up his head and looking over to his friend. “I dont know.”He admitted.His voice hurt your heart, the realisation kicking in that there wasnt really many places that he could go.

Kelce’s phone buzzed again, all of your eyes falling on him.He sighed, glancing at his screen.He had missed calls from his parents, dozens of text in all caps telling him to come home immediately. “They found the door.”He replied, keeping his voice calm.A new wave of silence washed over the room, not knowing what to say to that.

Your eyes watered as you remembered how simple life was a few weeks ago, all of you eating breakfast, watching criminal minds and laughing as Topper recorded it all on his snapchat.Now everything was completely falling apart.You didnt say anything, trying to think of a solution.Rafe couldnt go to Kelce’s house or Topper’s house since Topper’s mother had one of those security cameras outside of her home and she’d recognize him immediately.

She was still pissy about Topper’s accident, she’d explode if he let friends over. “SO what happens now?”Topper asked.You were all out of ideas.A simple drive or icecream or a movie couldnt solve any of this. “I mean...think about it.We’re adults, right?Child protective services cant stop us if we leave.”Kelce muttered.Rafe nodded, snapping his fingers.

“Yeah, yeah!You’re right.”He agreed, causing your eyes to widen.They were acting insane. They couldnt be serious about just getting up and leaving forever, right? “No, no hes not.We cant just-we cant just leave!”You exclaimed.They were actually going crazy.How could they even think like that? “Why?What do you have here, (Y/N)?”He asked.You paused, thinking about it.

You didnt really have anything.You had your house of course but other than that you had nothing but memories and your boys.You didnt want to admit that he was right, letting out a quiet sigh. “But leaving forever isnt the answer.”You muttered.Rafe rubbed your back, shaking his head. “Doesnt have to be forever, baby.”He answered.

“But- but just cause we arent kids doesnt mean we cant be registered as missing people.They’ll come after us.”You told them.You knew that nobody outside of this room actually cared about you enough to report you as missing but you were scrambling through your thoughts, desperately hunting for a reason to stay on the shitty island that you had learned to love so much.Topper shrugged, not really caring.

“Guys, guys. Okay, look. You’re all fucked, ill admit it. But thats fine! Are you guys forgetting that I still have a house- you guys can just stay there until this whole thing blows over just like you always have!”You reminded them, hoping they’d agree. “This isnt gonna blow over, (Y/N). I cant come back here.”Rafe told you, becoming aggravated.

“THEN MOVE IN! All of you guys, you can just move in, okay? You dont have to leave- I still have my moms money! We’ll figure it out as we go and…. And it’ll be fine.”You insisted. “Move in with you?”Rafe asked. You nodded, wiping your nose. “You practically live with me already, it wont be that different.”You told him, gripping his hand.

It was a messy blur as Rafe packed his things, grabbing anything that he thought could be important. A photo of his mother, his birth certificate and diploma, laptop and ipad, the Frozen ll record. Kelce and Topper just watched, neither of them ready for anything like this so early in the morning.

Maybe if you werent so tired and upset you wouldnt have said it, but here you were in Rafe’s truck, a dufflebag full of his things at your feet with the boys in the backseat as he drove to your house, a few tears rolling down his cheeks as the thoughts finally took over his brain. Kelce had got aggravated and shut down his phone entirely, staring out the window.

The last thing you were expecting was to come down your road only to see a car that was practically falling apart already in your driveway, a tall man with his hands over his forehead as he tried to look in your windows. “What the fuck….”Rafe muttered, reaching for the door handle when you gripped his hand. “Dont, we dont know what he’s doing.”You told him, hoping he’d listen.

Turns out he wasnt the one you had to worry about, Kelce swinging his door open and sprinting up your driveway before anyone could even stop him. Wherever Kelce went Topper went, the boy struggling to get the seatbelt over his cast before jumping out of the truck and nearly falling into a puddle. “ESCUSE ME! MR SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING LOOKING IN MY HOUSE?”Kelce shouted, purposely making his voice deeper.

The man turned, confused as to why two half asleep teenage boys were walking towards him. “Your house?”The man asked. “Yes, sir. You ever heard of a gay couple before?”Topper asked, making Kelce break character for a moment.

“Well, no, its not that. Its just that I thought this was someone elses house.”The man muttered, confused. You had slid down your seat, hoping that the man wouldnt see you. “He’s about to leave.”Rafe whispered.

“Who’s the other guy in the car?”The man asked, pointing to Rafe’s figure. Kelce glanced over at Topper with wide eyes, trying to think. “Our son.”Kelce replied, cringing the moment he said it. The man only looked more confused, looking between the two boys. “How old are you guys?”The man asked, clearly not buying their story.

“Excuse me? Are you saying that we’re too old to have a son? I did not spend years training for a medical degreee to have some random old man come and tell us how old our son can be!”Topper exclaimed. “I didnt spend years trying to find a surrogate and figuring out a way to make a robot nanny for this!”He sighed, trying his best not to smile.

“Could you please leave the property before we call the police?”Kelce asked. The man was beyond confused at this point, quickly making his way to his shitty car before slowly backing out of the driveway, eyes still scanning the area before he gave up and went down the street.

You let out a sigh of relief, moving to get up when Rafe placed his hand on top of your head to keep you down. “Hes coming around again.”He whispered to you, taking in a shaky breath and holding it in his lungs as the car passed a second time. Topper and Kelce were standing by the door, staring at Rafe almost as telling him to get out and make a run for it.

“Open the door in 3...2…”You didnt wait, jumping out and running towards the house, typing in the key pad as quick as you could, Topper’s hand pushing you inside. “Here he comes again!”He exclaimed, coming in right behind you along with the others before Rafe slammed the door shut and locked it, letting out a laugh.

“Oh god, that was scary.”He chuckled. Kelce and Topper nodded as well, eventually laughing. “Was that my dad?”You asked. “Maybe.”Topper answered. Now that you thought about it, your dad didnt same important. Nothing did. You lived on a huge rock that’s floating around space and you’re concerned about your dad when your boyfriends best friends are moving in.

“What’d you tell him?”You asked. “We told him that we’re a gay couple, Topper’s a doctor and Rafe is our child.”Kelce replied. You giggled, snorting. “I mean, as you should.”You replied. “Hell yeah.”Kelce grinned. Topper tapped at his arm. “Bro, you wanna get married?”Topper asked. Kelce laughed again, nodding.

“I’ll get baptised and get you guys married!”Rafe volunteered, all of you turning to look at him. “Did you just say baptised?”Kelce asked. Rafe nodded, eyebrows furrowing. “Is that not the right word?”He asked. Topper shook his head. “The word is ordained.”He informed the tall boy. “He’s trying his best.”You replied, sitting down on the chair that you werent used to sitting in.

“You think he’s gonna come back?”You asked. Topper groaned, sitting down. “Well, I hope not. I dont want my husband and I to have to fight him.”He grinned. You rolled your eyes, changing positions in the chair. “Did he look like me?”You asked, leaning your head against the arm rest, groaning when Rafe pushed your legs aside and sat down with you.

“Not really… he had rat tails for eyebrows.”Kelce replied, putting his fingers over his eyebrows. “Do I have rat tail eyebrows?”You asked, grinning when Rafe reached forward and poked your eyebrow, a chuckle slipping past his lips. “You wish.”He replied. “Fuck off.”You answered. “Dont be fucking rude.”He grinned, kissing you quickly before pulling away with a small smile.

You were shocked, trying to hide your surprise. It wasnt like you werent used to kissing Rafe by now, it was just that he had never done it in front of the boys before. They looked nearly as confused as you, the thought of Rafe kissing you in front of them never even being a concern until now. They were used to him getting most of your love and attention but that had just stirred something within them.

“So how are we gonna do this? I dont know about you guys but im not going back to my house anytime soon.”Kelce announced. Rafe lifted his head, looking over to the boy. “You could always sneak in your own window to grab your things...maybe wait until theyre at work. What about you, Top?”Rafe asked, turning his attention to the blonde boy.

“What do I have at my house that I need? Like, really need.”He asked, grinning when none of you could answer. “Problem solved.”He replied. “What time is it?”Rafe asked, breaking the silence. “Ten.”Kelce replied, closing his eyes as he leaned against the couch. “Im going upstairs to take a nap then.”Topper yawned, slowly making his way down the hall into the first floor guest room.

It was arguably the worst since it also worked as your moms office, a queen bed pushed into the corner. You wiggled out of Rafe’s grip, smiling when he whined. You went into the kitchen, grabbing a poptart. For the situation you felt rather calm, opening the silver package and taking a bite of one of the sweet pastries.

The energy in the house felt different than it had yesterday. You werent sure why, maybe it was just the comfort of knowing that the boys were going to be living with you now and you wouldnt have to worry as much about Rafe or Topper’s relationship with his mom.

“So how are we gonna handle this?”Kelce asked, confusing you. “The house, I mean. You have this whole house and like...30 million dollars. We can literally redecorate however we want, maybe even clean out your moms office if youre okay with it.”He suggested.

You nodded, the idea of getting the memory of your mother cleansed from your life sounded appealing. His excitement took over as he opened his amazon prime app, looking for new decor. “How do you feel about your moms room?”He asked, not wanting to push your limits. You shrugged, swallowing part of the pastry. “Shes not using it.”You replied, surprised by how morbid you sounded.

He simply nodded, shifting in his seat as he added things to his cart. “Can we redo your room? It’s been the same color since we were fourteen.”Rafe suggested. You shrugged, not really caring. You didnt spend a large amount of time in your bedroom anyways. You scrolled through your phone for a few minutes, seeing a little red bubble next to your messaging app that let you know that you had gotten a text. Curious, you opened it.

As soon as you saw who it was a pit grew in your stomach, eyes widening. It was her. “Sweet words, (Y/N).”The text read. You knew that it was your uncle just trying to mess with you but it still caused your anxiety to skyrocket, deciding to block the number and place your phone between your thighs, taking in a deep breath through your nose.

Topper dragged his feet, coming out of the room with a frown. “That’s the most uncomfortable bed in all of history.”He muttered, sitting down on the couch instead. “You can go upstairs.’You reminded him, feeling your phone buzz against your inner thigh.

He just hummed, leaning his head against the back of the couch. “How long was I in there?”He asked. “Literally not even ten minutes.”Kelce replied, still scrolling. “Did I miss anything?”Topper asked. You didnt reply, breaking off another piece of the poptart. “We’re gonna redecorate the house.”Kelce answered. Topper nodded, lifting his head.

“Does that mean that office too?”Topper asked. You nodded, staring at a spot on your carpet. “Does that mean we get to open the file cabinet in the guest room?”He asked, all of you looking over at him. The thought made you feel nauseous. Even if she wasnt here to yell at you you knew that opening the file cabinet would still scare you anyways.

“If theres a dead body in there I swear to god-”You muttered, earning a chuckle from Rafe. ��A body couldnt fit in there.”he replied, making your eyebrows furrow. “How do you know where bodies can fit?”You asked. “No, no. Like, its not….well...maybe a raccoon body.”He admitted. “Rafe!”You exclaimed, smacking his thigh.

He rolled his eyes, pulling you into his lap. “There’s no raccoon body.”He answered. “I think theres a raccoon body.”Kelce replied. “Theres not.”You answered. Topper grinned, skipping into the room and beginning to open the cabinet, the three of you following him. “Okay, who votes raccoon body?”He asked, his hand on the knob.

Kelce raised his hand, grabbing your arm to make you hold your hand up as well. “Ready?”Topper asked before pulling the door open, looking into it. His face fell immediately, not expecting this. “What?”You asked, stepping past Kelce and looking into the cabinet.Guns were being held by small metal pieces, multiple clear bags full of plants and needles on the floor, bullets on sashes hanging with the guns.

The two of you just stared, ignoring Rafe and Kelce until they came up behind you, equally as confused. “What the fuck?”Rafe asked, seeing the bags. Kelce slammed the doors shut, locking it. “We’re not telling anyone about this, right?”He asked, looking at all of you. “What are we gonna do with all that? We cant just keep it here!”Topper argued.

Rafe shrugged, resting his elbow on your shoulder. “We smoke the weed and throw the guns in the river, obviously.”Rafe answered. “We’re not smoking weed, Rafe.”You answered. “Well your mom didnt have a liscense to carry, right?”Kelce asked. You shook your head, figuring it would be hung up somewhere in the house to remind you of the power she had.

“Right, okay. So we cant call the cops and we cant keep it here.”Kelce answered, clicking the lock on the cabinet. “What’d your mom even do for a living?”Topper asked. You frowned, thinking back. You never really knew what your mother did, you just stayed quiet and hoped you wouldnt make her angry. She’d disappear for months, money would appear in your bank account, she’d pay the bills aned thats all you needed to know.

She’d have long phone calls with people in her office, grounding you if you even dared to listen. “I dont know.”You replied, cringing at how stupid you sounded. “She has these cabinets all over the house, doesnt she?”Kelce asked. “The one in her room is actual files.”You told him, hoping that there were no sorts of hidden things in her room.

“Should we go check?” Rafe asked, out of the room with a grin before any of you could even answer. You sighed, slightly annoyed that he was treating this like a scavenger hunt. “Its been here this whole time, im sure nothings gonna happen.”Kelce assured you, patting you on the shoulder before his fingers tickled your arm and wrist, gripping your hand and bringing you upstairs.

“I ordered some tapestries, succulents, fake vines and some new blankets for our new movie room.”He told you, nearly slipping up. “Movie room?”You asked, nearly slipping on the stairs. “Your mom has a big tv, I figured it could be like a second living room if you’re comfortable with that.”He answered, pausing at the top of the stairs so he could wait for you.

Rafe was in your mother’s room, carefully pulling on the drawers, eventually finding out that the top one was locked. He looked over at you, silently asking if you knew where the key was. You shook your head, letting go of Kelce’s hand and opening the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet, the hairs on the back of your neck standing up.

Your mother kept most of your medical documents and anything like that to herself along with basically everything that proved you existed. Baby photos, ultra sounds, old school tests. “We could just move it into the other guest room.”Rafe muttered, hoping he wasnt making you upset. You ignored him, looking through all the little colored tags, your eyes falling on a silver tag, your eyebrows furrowing. No other ones had that color.

You picked it up, sitting down and reading it over. The words were all bundled together, ink scratches and smudges told you that it wasnt a serious document. The only word you could make out was ‘arsonist’. Nothing else was eligible. “Can we take it right now?”You asked, placing the paper on the floor and closing the drawer. Rafe nodded, Kelce grabbing one side while Rafe grabbed the other. Topper grinned, leaning against your mothers unused desk.

“I would help but my arms broken.”he laughed, watching as Kelce struggled, walking backwards. “Some moral support would be great.”Kelce rolled his eyes. You grinned, slowly clapping. “Great job, guys. You’re doing great moving that illegal file cabinet.”You held back a laugh. They turned carefully, shuffling as they eventually got to the guest bedroom.

“How do you feel about this?”Topper asked, sitting down on the chair. You sighed, shrugging. “I mean, you know. Its not that I dont love the idea of you guys being here but like… its the circumstances.”You answered, sighing when he pulled you closer with his good arm, rubbing your back. “Thanks a lot for this, though. Like in all seriousness im really grateful that you’re in my life.”He blushed, looking up at you. You smiled, kissing his nose lightly.

“I mean, I do provide you with half of the drama in your life.”You giggled, kissing him gently. “Where does the other half come from?”He asked. You shrugged, sighing. “Probably you.”You answered. “I cant believe you’d say that to me! You know im at a bad place in life and you put me in this terrible situation when you know that!”He fake cried, bursting into laughter.

“Kourtney dont laugh at me!”You exclaimed. You felt a vibration under your feet, hearing a loud, dramatic sigh and the sound of skin colliding. They had successfully moved the file cabinet, the door closing as their loud footsteps hit the floor as they entered your mother’s room again. Rafe took a moment to look around, sometimes forgetting that the room even existed.

It was the biggest room in the house, the ceiling going up at least twenty feet with only glass separating the room from the outside world. His mind wandered, thinking of all the fun nights the two of you could have in here watching the stars or listening to the rain.

The bed was large and still, the blankets and sheets unwrinkled and untouched. He understood why you were creeped out by the house now, feeling like he didnt belong in the room. You all took turns trying to figure out what the writing said, eventually deciding that it probably wasnt even in english. “Should we put it through google translate?”Rafe asked, staring at the paper.

Kelce shook his head. “Nah, its not reliable. I tried using it for spanish class in freshman year and I got detention.”He replied. “Well thats definitely not spanish. Maybe its like…. Ancient text.”Topper suggested, causing you to frown. “I highly doubt that my mother would know an ancient text.

Maybe we should just leave it.”You answered. Although you werent exactly satisfied with it you just didnt feel like spending your time trying to decode a random paper. They didnt seem satisfied either but didnt want to push you, putting the paper down on the desk where it would be safe from your footsteps.

Of course the boys just couldnt stay at the same place for long periods of time, deciding to suggest that you guys go out to a store to get some paint for the boring walls. You agreed, the four of you getting into your car instead of Rafe’s truck, locking all the doors and windows before you left.

Kelce didnt suggest a McDonalds run which caused you to frown, knowing that he was probably too stressed to want to eat. You guys went into Walmart with one goal, heading right for the paint section and looking at the wall of colors. “Lets get four colors and kind of just make it up as we go.”Kelce muttered, looking at all the different shades.

“We could all pick one out.”Topper suggested, reaching forward and picking a bright green. You agreed, picking a shade of light purple, watching as Kelce picked the color toffee biscuits and Rafe went for cotton blue. You doubted any of the colors would actually look good together but that wasnt the point of the project.

It was more about making the room look fun rather than nice. Kelce grabbed a few large paint brushes, the four of you leaving before you could get distracted by anything that you didnt need. Topper decided to get right to work, spilling some paint on the floor as he dragged the brush along the wall, creating bright stripes.

“I have an artistic vision! Trust the process!”He exclaimed, feeling your judgemental eyes on him. You didnt say anything, watching Kelce struggle to connect his phone to your speaker, playing the first song on his playlist.

Line without a hook. Topper looked over at you, almost like he was silently asking you if you had told the boys about his top secret playlist. You shrugged, not wanting to give anything away to the others.

“Oh my god, I love this song.”Rafe dunked his brush in the light blue, making a smiley face on the wall. “Can I paint an onion?”He asked. You raised your eyebrows, not understanding why he wanted to put an onion on the wall.

“Ogres are like onions! We have layers!”Kelce laughed. “Who is we? Are you an ogre, Kelce?”Topper asked, not taking his eyes off of the bright stripes, painting a circle on the top. “Topper Harry Katherine Thornton, are you painting a penis on my wall?”You asked, connecting the dots.

He grinned, ignoring you. “Of course not.”He replied, painting frantically so that you couldnt stop him, green drops rolling down the wall. You picked up your paint brush, painting two circles quicklly before pushing the brush into the center of each, laughing to yourself.

“Guys, really?”Rafe asked. “Cant we make the wall wholesome?”He asked. You shook your head, a smile on your face. “Says you of all people, Rafe.”You shook your head. “She got you there.”Topper replied, dragging the brush across the painting and blending it out so there was no longer a penis on your wall.

“What are you doing now?”You asked, wanting to one up him. “What are you doing now?” He mocked you. Somehow you ended up splashing Topper with paint and getting tackled into the mattress as he held the paintbrush over you, trying to get the bright green liquid on your face while you held his arm back.

“Im gonna murder you!”You laughed, rolling over under him so your face was against the mattress. “Im gonna paint your hair!”He laughed, holding the brush just above it. “Topper, dont mess with her hair.”Kelce took the brush away.

Topper groaned, falling next to you on the mattress. His eyes were closed, the sun from the window casting a beautiful glow over his face, a small smile tugging at the side of his mouth. You pressed a kiss to his cheekbone, your arm resting on his torso.

It didnt take long for painting to be forgotten, a few cheap bristles sticking to the wall with messes of colorful lines and unfilled shapes. The song changed, followed by a loud gasp from Rafe. “This is my favorite song!”He smiled, hitting his knees with his fists repeatedly.

He didnt know what about it made him so happy, whenever he heard it it reminded him of you guys. “You know what we should do?”Topper asked. “No.”Kelce replied while Rafe rewinded the song to listen to his favorite part again.

“We should make soup. Like, spicy soup with potatoes.”He replied, mouth watering. “We could just order soup.”Kelce replied, not in the mood to go downstairs and hunt for ingredients. “Order soup from where?”Topper asked. Kelce simply shrugged, shifting around and putting his arms under his body.

That had been a week ago. Since then a lot had happened. You guys had developed a system, Kelce could do his laundry on Saturdays, Rafe on Mondays and Topper’s just got mixed in with yours.

It was a love and hate relationship to have them there with you. You didnt regret your decision but sometimes things would get difficult. Grocery shopping was the worst since nobody could decide what they wanted and you had all agreed not to eat out as much.

“We need an actual meal, we cant just eat chips for everything.”Topper would grumble, realising he didnt even really know how to cook. That just lead to late flights of searching for recipes o pinterest and watching Gordon Ramsey tiktoks until they decided to try and make bake and shake chicken. That didnt really work out well, having to open all of your windows and get the smoke out of your house.

Then you guys decided to take a new approach, finding a ton of frozen pizzas and ingredients for sushi. Kelce was the only one who had any idea of what he was doing since he had always been talented in the kitchen, specifically with breakfast. That became more of a safe meal for you guys, making extra food in the morning to eat later for dinner until you got sick of toast, eggs and bacon.

Kelce ended up banishing you all to the pool so that he could decorate properly, vines hanging from the door ways and landscape tapestries hanging in your living room, hallway and your mother’s old bedroom. “How long do you think he’s gonna be?”You asked, floating on your back in the shallow end, letting out a yelp when Topper grabbed you and dragged you to the deep end.

“I dont know, probably like three days.”He replied, finally letting go once you were in the middle of the pool. “We could survive three days in the pool.”You replied, watching Rafe shake his head. “With my allergy to the sun?”He asked, making you turn over, going underwater for a moment. “You dont even sunburn.”You told him, splashing water in his direction before swimming away quickly so that he couldnt get back at you.

Kelce kept getting calls from his parents that were asking him to come home but he never did. They knew where he was, if they wanted him back so badly they’d drive over and take him away. “Guys, i’ve finished my creation.”Kelce announced, coming outside. “So we can come in now?”Topper asked, gripping the ledge of the pool and pulling himself out, falling onto his stomach as he struggled to get up.

“Yes, you can come in now! Hurry!”Kelce yelled excitedly before going back inside, waiting impatiently for you guys to hurry. Rafe helped you out of the pool, tossing you your towel so that you wouldnt trail water through your house. “Guys! Come on!”Kelce shouted again, the three of you walking across the hot pavement quickly.

“I’ll clean up the water after- just come see what I did!”He said again. You rolled your eyes, walking into the house. Goosebumps formed on y0our skin from the cool air, eyes widening as you looked at the kitchen. He had bought a plaid tablecloth for the table, vines hanging from the ceiling and doorways, a tie dye tapestry hanging in your living room. It looked like he had taken the time to wipe down every surface and vacuum any mess of broken spaghetti or eggshells that had been kicked under the fridge.

“Do you like it?”He asked, unable to read your shocked expression. “Kelce, im gonna be honest with you. I feel like im in pixie hollow right now.”You grinned, making him smile. “I think thats a good thing- but upstairs is better!’He exclaimed before making his way up the stairs. He was right.

There were marble heart shaped tiles hanging on the walls of the hall, a sign on the new hangout spot that was made out of drift wood. He opened the door, revealing bean bag chairs on the floor, a new carpet, a light yellow canopy hanging over the bed that had all new sheets and blankets on it as well.

He had even somehow managed to fix the paint on the wall so that there were different colored polka dots all over it. The boys seemed equally impressed, still taking it in. You hugged Kelce, not even caring that you’d get his clothes wet. “So I did good?” He asked, hugging you back. “You always do good.”You replied, feeling him hug you tighter.

“So you’re happy?”He asked, letting out a small sigh when you nodded. “I am happy, Kelce.”you replied, kissing him lightly. He smiled against you, taking in a deep breath. “I found a new recipe for fancy grilled cheese.”He told you, kissing your forehead. This was something that you loved about having them live with you.

@sweetlittlegingy @nicolefarley603 @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch @newsies-yeet @butgilinsky @jjjmaybank @gracelovesbroadway @one-stella @spn-marvel-nerd @lovelyelinor @chinamolina602 @sexytholland @28cnn @popcrone818 @fttayla @cherryobx @n1ghtsh4d3-67 @drewstarkeyobx @poguestyleskye @judayyyw @jjtheangel @jj-iz-bae@sunwardsss @meaganjm @sarcasticsagittarius1998 @natalie-kate-98 @nxsmss @broken-jj @joshy-obx @classygirlything @annmariek8 @stupidpendeja @killjoyybsinner @pink-meringues @outerbongs @copper-boom @httpstarkey @teenwaywardasgardian @simonsbluee @deionswannabegirl @jiaraendgame @khiaraaa-in-spacee @on-socks-off @abbiesthings @kindahavefeelingskindaheartless @dmonchld@annmariek8 @harryswigss @ibookofstars @lostaurorax @cheshirecat107

#topper x reader #topper thorton x reader #topper thorton imagine #topper thorton smut #topper thornton fluff #rafe cameron x you #rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron smut #rafe cameron headcanon #kelce smith #kelce imagine #kelce x reader #kelce outer banks #the best boys

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gerrydelano · 5 years ago

Text

okay, since people have asked, i’m gonna start fresh and take it from the top explaining my creative process for music! very long post under the cut.

gonna try to structure this by:

basic mechanics (some of which already outlined here but restated)

how i did firesorrow girl

how i’m doing bloodwater ballad (minimal spoilers)

things they have in common/what my apparent signature is based on now two songs that follow similar patterns

so here we go! 2.5k words of infodumping! what else is new lol. OKAY! SO:

BASIC MECHANICS

the key word here is improvisation. i am vocally trained but it’s been a very long time since i’ve studied or even done a single actual vocal warmup or anything. i’m actually pretty foolhardy with my voice! i also don’t play any instruments, could never read sheet music (thanks dyscalculia), and have very limited knowledge of audacity (the only program available to me).

so, everything i do is completely by ear. i don’t know what notes are what! i go into this blind every single time and just... make it up as i go. which is not something i can advise other people to do because i don’t even know how i do it! just happens. sometimes i surprise myself ngl!

so okay, disclaimers out the way. here’s my process in pieces.

WRITING

get randomly inspired with a single lyric

for firesorrow girl it happened in the car on the way home from work

for bloodwater ballad i woke up at 1am out of a dead sleep, got this ask, immediately spent the next 4 hours writing lyrics

PICK A REALLY IMAGE HEAVY THEME. RUN WITH IT. RUN SO FAR.

write a verse out of it and start humming to see if something sticks

if it works out, make the verse into two parts and then go for the chorus

repeat that convention one more time

bridge has to deviate/usually has More Words

add another two part verse and chorus

honestly, it’s like writing poetry! once you pick the language convention and symbolism you want to use, you just have to worry about syllabic measurements and whether things can line up more or less symmetrically. rhyming is relative, but i tend to try and have fun with it.

sometimes i come up with phrases and images i REALLY want to use, jot them down in the bottom of the note, and try to find ways to rephrase them that will fit in with the melody in my head once i’m actually tweaking the whole song. sometimes they can’t be used, but sometimes you come up with something even MORE intense just because you had to swap some words around and do math.

i really just Hyperfocus. for each song, i sat and wrote the lyrics in 2-4 hours and was finished, only ended up tweaking them a little bit after testing out a full recording and realizing certain pieces fell flat or didn’t feel right in my mouth.

RECORDING

this is where you throw things at me!

i’ve recorded in places such as my bed, my recliner, my table, and my bookstore when it’s so empty no one can yell at me for singing.

i start, obviously, with the base vocal!

i try to do this in one shot. usually, if i ever try again because i think i can do it better, it just sounds worse. so, if there are any spaces that are individually not good, i redo just those bits and workshop them together during mixing.

then it’s time for harmonies!

i put my headphones in to listen to the track on my laptop as reference

record clips on my ipad under the cover of the day

which have been a blanket, a tablecloth, a robe, etc.

it’s suffering. but it muffles outside noise so i do recommend trying to do something like that if you record things. that’s how RQ did TMA at first so we are OUT HERE. BOOTLEGGING.

i save the clip to my google drive

i try to give them names that’ll tell me what the fuck they are but it does get very messy. i am here to just. suffer.

convert them from ,mp4 to .wav with the google converter

save it to my folder

which are also extremely messy. i try to organize them by song now. i sure had a lot of cleaning to do.

drop it into audacity, fuck around, go wild

MIXING

and THIS is where you full on murder me with your bare hands.

i have no idea what the fuck i’m doing. none. no idea at all. nothing.

every single thing i do is just. pure improv. pure chance. it’s awful.

one of the tricks i use liberally is reverb. makes things smoother, a little more eerie, which for the last two songs i’ve done is actually useful.

sometimes i have to use bass and treble to increase and decrease the volume of a specific piece, because using that little left right thing on the side of each track does NOT WORK! just bass and treble it!

i choose something to keep in the background, usually a sample of something because i still do not know how to play instruments.

but usually, i just rely on my own voice and just, overlap a bunch of harmonies accordingly. it’s hard work to not be overwhelming, sometimes i drown myself out and have to stop complicating things so much!

in terms of playing around with the clips of harmony and small melody deviations, i time everything by hand

i don’t know how to make it measured evenly and line up exactly with the stuff above it like automatically. i have to literally wiggle the tracks by hand and make them work.

but at least when i edit the bits, i solo them alongside an empty track that is the length of the whole song so that they’re in the right placement if i ever have to put them back in it so i don’t have to WIGGLE THEM EVER AGAIN

the mixing goes differently depending on the songs so i’ll elaborate on this when i get to each one.

OKAY. g-d. fuck. neck hurty. okay here we go.

FIRESORROW GIRL

as we know, i wrote, recorded, and mixed this song in a total of four days. i'd never actually fully written and produced a song before, in this context, so it was a complete shot in the dark and a whim and WHEW.

i definitely learned my lesson about recording music through the mistakes i made with that, though. which were:

i labeled my files miserably. like. i don’t know what’s what in the folder a lot of the time and i’m scared to look at it ever again

it had about 16 tracks, MANY of which are scattered and unorganized little snatches of miscellaneous harmonies that i lined up by hand and would be terrified to mix down into one track or anything. COMPLETE travesty.

i used a 15 second “chinese guitar” sample i got from a free website. literally just one little loopy boy. most good songs do NOT just use the same sample looped like 25 times! it was very basic and i wish i had the ability to give it some variation, but i tried to compensate with the vocals.

i used plenty of reverb for the extra church feeling, because that was part of the lyrical motif i chose and so i wanted the actual music to match.

it actually sounds very cool a capella! but since i didn’t hum the ENTIRE way through the silences are awkward, so i wouldn’t post it.

her basic structure is this:

5 minutes, ballad (a wholeass musical narrative)

one loop of the guitar as the intro

first (four line) verse in only the base vocal

but introduce a soft hum 3/4 of the way through

second verse continues to use the singular hum throughout

but on the second line, introduce a higher harmony to the hum

take it away again

chorus was very simple for this; just two lines

next two verses have BOTH sets of hums consistently throughout

until, of course, i removed the LOW harmony in some places to emphasize certain words so that you could hear them better with less obscurity and weight! a fun trick. it’s another thing i did on the second line of a verse, because reintroducing the low hum on the third was HOO.

also introduced the first counter lyric - “love made sure it hurt” which extended into the chorus as a longer note, for Flavour

chorus again, but now the phrasing is different

lean directly into the bridge

introducing a bunch of miscellaneous random harmonies on certain phrases i wanted to emphasize

but ANOTHER trick i did there was REMOVE the hums on “a simple human friend”

...before letting it ALL pile back on for “she can’t burn” - the third chorus with different phrasing

fifth and sixth verses introduce the famous counter lyrics

it’s an entirely new voice doing entirely different things; it’s agnes speaking over the chorus that was telling her story for her, disagreeing with it, telling it to stop

“i am not your prayer.”

this counter lyric makes it into a dialogue, not just a hymn.

let EVERYTHING come down on the very final chorus, added even MORE harmony bits (there’s a very high one right at the very end that i wonder sometimes if anyone noticed)

taper off at the end by shedding layers one by one

faded the guitar loop slowly

reduced it to the two hums that have been consistent throughout

after they both hum one full round together over no guitar, i removed the high one so that there is just one half a round left with ONLY the low hum

which was intended to evoke the image of just... the last person standing in the echoing cathedral after the choir has filed out, still humming the song by themselves.

and there you have THAT. holy mother of G-D i have so many words okay i am so sorry. so now, without further ado:

BLOODWATER BALLAD

i really did just wake up in the middle of the night and go eric? eric???? eric???? time to write an ocean ballad.

you wouldn’t necessarily tie eric to the ocean, but all i needed was one word from him and i was off my shits. absolutely just out of my mind cuckoo bananas.

and i couldn’t rightly call it a shanty because it’s not a work song! it’s not encouraging or loud and shouting. it’s basically a reverse murder ballad. a murdered ballad. it’s very haunting, and my use of pirate phrases is intended to cause some significant amount of pain!

[pauses to look at two ships passing and all the nautical themes in there.] [looks in the other direction towards my 3 novel series about the ocean] [looks at the island i live on] no i don’t have a very specific bias. who are you

anyway, i’m not going to spoil the lyrics and all, but i can still explain the tone and my process because i’m pretty sure that you’re all going to die regardless of what you think you’re expecting. the actual words and the harmonies are Raw.

to start, though, it’s only 9 tracks so far!!!! we just have:

the background ambiance

the tempo SFX

base vocal

base vocal 2 (NOT a copy paste of the first one, but a whole second recording with just enough differences in some inflections that you can Tell it’s different)

low chorus harmonies

very short burst of high chorus harmonies on just the first lines

verse harmonies

verse hum,

some ghostly ohs. for maximum haunting flavour

it’s VERY compact and neat, i’m cleaning up my files as i go, i’m doing my best to NOT give myself angina. i don’t actually plan on adding more to it than that other than some bridge harmonies, and HOPEFULLY a bit of percussion if i can find a way to make it work! i am pretty pleased with what i’ve managed to do in the last two days, i actually really hope i can finish it tomorrow.

so, his basic structure is this:

10 second introduction of background ambiance and the tempo SFX

which i really do think you’re going to lose your minds over because it’s a very specific, evocative sound that makes my heart hurt

first verse is isolated for the first word only

i introduce the hum here straight after that, but it’s very gentle

second verse is the same

until i end the very last words with the introduction of the second base vocal track, to emphasize. Something.

two-part chorus, each part four lines

every chorus in the song begins with the same first line, but all the rest following are different every single time. MUCH more complicated than firesorrow girl’s two lines with drawn out notes

low harmony for ALL choruses

but the line that repeats gets an extra special high harmony on JUST that

third and fourth verse:

have the hum througout

introduce another high harmony with a slight lyrical deviation

i isolate the vocals and cut the harmonies on a Single Line that i want to absolutely SLAUGHTER you in one shot so ha :’)

second chorus, completely different words (probably my favorite one, ngl)

the ghostly “ohs” are spaced in between the chorus sporadically

they alternate between a clear oh and a radio static oh.

first chorus: clear, ghost, ghost

second chorus: ghost, clear, ghost

third chorus: ghost, clear, omitted

no i won’t tell you the significance there. it’s just the pattern that happened :-)

i am still working on the bridge! but it’s a four part (four lines per part) bridge, too, with a deviated melody

i’m going to add a low hum or SOMETHING to it, but that’s a problem for tomorrow ron

what i DO have is the two layered base vocal tracks. which hoho.

i leave the vocals layered when he’s singing about a specific person. then i cut bits from the second track (the more intense one) and leave the soft original base track to sing solo when he sings about someone else.

no i won’t tell you who! or what it means!!!! it’s just gonna hurt you as much

fifth and sixth verse have the same high harmonies as the third and fourth

final chorus, even Crazier words, introducing another character

the omitted Oh in this one is to create an empty space before his final words

the low harmony’s counter lyric is FUCK WILD

and i leave the layering on for Reasons :)

ends by total vocal cutoff, leaving only the ambiance and the tempo SFX

So Yeah! I Can’t Wait To See What You Guys Think!

this, however, has forced me to confront some things about myself.

SUMMARY

this bitch can only write long ballads! what!!!!

the basic composition of both of these songs is very similar both because i have limited options seeing as i can’t play instruments/don’t know how to use programs, and they’re the best way for me to communicate stories.

so, my signature is apparently “5 minute ballad about a tragic side character that tells their story/communicates to someone directly at the end in a determined way that we the listener knows does not amount to success.”

who the fuck knew my style would be so specific once i got around to actually making music haha. like really there are definitely noticeable differences between them and they do not even REMOTELY sound the same, but we follow this structure:

two four-line verses

chorus (the major structural difference lies here in two vs four lines)

two four-line verses

chorus

four four-line parts for the bridge

two four-line verses

chorus

tapered off ending

layered hum harmonies. harmohums. love it.

so we have the religious cathedral song vibe of firesorrow girl, and the Ghosts On A Ship In The Rain vibe of bloodwater ballad. i find it kind of fun that while i follow these similar guidelines, they’re literally. fire and water. completely opposite in theme despite the similarities in how their stories end. which is to say, in death and with the people who controlled their lives speaking over them.

there are major differences in those endings, though. you’ll see what i mean when you hear it.

okay i need to stop i am so amazed if you read this far wow thanks LOL i just. it helps to write this stuff out and make sense of myself tbh!!!!

#r.txt #r.sings #g-d this is so long but it's nice to organize things tbh

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nightphans · 5 years ago

Text

bicci outed, and it’s rowans fault (kinda)

{ read here on ao3 !!}

{read other chapters here }

it was all bliss’s fault.

bliss, the fucker, had convinced rowan to do a live stream.

rowan hated live-streams.

but well, bliss had been going on and on about how ‘content deprived’ the fans were during the hiatus. how desperate they were for anything at all really.

rowan thought it was pathetic; but he ended up doing the live stream, just to make bliss stop nagging.

if he hadn’t live streamed, this never would’ve happened.and he wouldn’t have live-streamed if not for bliss. therefore this was 100% bliss’s fault.right?

it was around 7 in the evening when rowan omandi tweeted he would be going live shortly, and it was at 7:15 when he actually started up. he was situated at his desk, sitting in front of his laptop. see, the layout of his room here is important. with his desk in one corner of the room facing the door that led into the corridor.

rowan always left his room door open, something everyone found pretty strange. a lot of people {{the author included!!}} had some weird obsession with keeping their bedroom door closed. well, rowan was the opposite.

rowan’s room was at the end of the hallway. jimmy’s room was located at the right wall with the bathroom facing it; on rowans left. lister’s room was further up the hall

he hadn’t mentioned to either jimmy or lister that he would be going live, since they were watching a movie together.and he didn’t want to interrupt their weird not date ‘date’.

rowan just wished they’d ask each other out already. he knew they were hooking up, but that was all at the moment apparently. which was fucking dumb, because the romantic tension between the two was driving rowan insane.

sure, this relationship could ruin the band.yes, it would be kinda weird. but dear god, that’d be much better than watching the two eyefucking all the time and being all nervous and shy around each other. it was sickening to say the least.

the fans asked questions about the hiatus,about whether this meant they were ‘breaking up’, about how long the hiatus would be for. they pestered about jimmy’s disappearance 2 months ago, about his ex-girlfriend bliss and what it meant for ‘jowan’ (he tried not to make the -_- face irl), about lister’s hospital visit. then they asked about jowan again, and he tried not to roll his eyes.

rowan answered some questions and avoided others for obvious reasons. when someone asked if he’d listened to the latest harry styles song, he read the question out loud and shook his head casually.

apparently, this was outrageous.and fans demanded he listened to it ‘right this instance’ because it was ‘ almost good as [his] own music !! (but not as good, of course)’

and so that’s how rowan ended up putting on the music video for harry styles’ latest song on his ipad. he tore his attention away from the live chat and his face on the screen for a moment to watch; he was fully aware the fans would be analysing his every facial expression in reaction. usually that’d annoy him, and it did, but he was too caught up in the music video to care.

he was too caught up in the video to notice jimmy and lister stumbling down the hall, limbs entangled and lips pressed together as they moved into jimmy’s room. jimmy’s arms wrapped around listers neck and lister’s hands roaming jimmy’s torso, pushing him back into his room and then closing the door behind them.

he was too caught up to notice the camera had caught all of that, and he was too caught up to notice the comments screaming in the chat.

‘ OHMYGEODUNDJDB NO WAY’

‘ AM I SEEING SHIT? WTF ????’

‘ WTF’

‘ AHHHH’

‘ CAN ABYONE CONFIRM THAT WAS JIMMY AND LISTER MAKING OUT W H A T’

‘ IM IN LITERAL SHOCK HWTFFFD’

‘ CAN CONFIRM’

‘ WHAT ABOYT JOWAN IM GONNA CRU😭😭😭’

‘ SO ITS BESN JISTER THIS WHOLE TIME??? LIMMY??? BICCI???’

‘ SOMEONE HAD THAT RECORDED ROFHT????’

‘ the way rowan is still watching the video and just VIBING oh my g o d what 😭😭’

‘ I KNEW IT !!!!’

‘ they hella gay...good for them. good for them’

rowan finally looked up at the laptop screen, looking back at his reflection. he was streaming on his laptop, but had the chat open on his phone.

“ that was awesome! everything was so visually aesthetic!” he smiled, pushing his glasses up. he then proceeded to babble about it. he didn’t glance at the chat until he heard a loud moan, causing him to temporarily freeze, before going to normal.

fuck, he hoped no one had heard that.he hadn’t even heard lister and jimmy make their way to the bedroom.he waited a moment before checking the chat, not to draw attention to the moan by immediately checking. fans would speculate shit.

his heart jumped out of his chest when he read the chat.

“ I JUST HEARD A MOAN OH M Y GODSDDD LISTER AND JIMMY ARE FUCJINH WTFFFF’

‘ IM LITERALLY GONNA COMBIST WHAT IS HAPPENINHGGGGGG’

‘ omg jimmy gettin that dicc bahsahahsh’

rowan looked back up at the screen, trying not to freak out. fuck fuck fuck fuck.

this happened lister, not him. lister was the one who always managed to leak their secrets, even if it was by accident. this did not happen to rowan, ever.

he tried to play it off, starting to talk about how this hiatus had given him a lot of room for creativity and writing new songs; hopefully it would take their attention away from the moan.

it didn’t.

it might have, if the noises hadn’t continued. but they did, and dear god, they were much louder. jimmy’s bed was beside the wall that separated their rooms, he knew that. but he didn’t think the walls carried sound so easily. he could hear jimmy, his childhood best friend, fucking whining listers name. it was more than disturbing, to say the least. it was more disturbing that the fans in the chat were fucking fangirling over this, or expressing disappointment because their precious ship was finally proven to not be real. if rowan could hear this, they probably could too.it was sickening, how involved they felt in his friends’,and his own, personal lives.it was sickening, how involved they felt in his friends’,and his own, personal lives. it was sickening, how involved they felt in his friends’,and his own, personal lives.

ihis stomach churned thinking about how lister and jimmy were having a private moment, and it was being exposed by the internet.

and it was his fault.

well, not really. but he still felt guilty.

he pretended to check his phone.

“ oh shit! my friend uh, my friend just texted me. she needs me to come over stat. so we’ll have to cut this short, sorry everyone! see you later!” he rushed, looking up at the camera.

that was a mistake, they’d probably be able to read the lies in his eyes. the guilt written all over his face.

he ended the stream with a click of a button, letting out a heavy sigh.

fuck.

should he tell them now? or wait for them to finish?

ugh, it was so gross thinking about how his two best friends were currently doing it in the room next door. he tried not to dwell on it, but he could still fucking hear them.

he put on his headphones and crawled into his bed, which luckily wasn’t against the wall next to jimmy’s room. he squeezed his eyes shut and put on some music, trying not to overthink ( that was jimmy’s expertise,not his,thank you very much). trying not to dwell on the consequences he’d be facing sooner than later.

fuck, this was such a mess.

people were probably tweeting about it now, it would most likely be trending in less than an hour.

he didn’t want to check yet, not before he had too. this was the calm before the storm, and no way was he letting it go to waste.

nope.

the panicking and damage control could wait, for now he was just in bed listening to frank ocean and laying on his bed on your typical Sunday night.

maybe if he locked his room and stayed here forever he wouldn’t have to deal with jimmy’s inevitable breakdown, the fans’ theories and invasive questions, cecily trying not to murder him (and lister and jimmy for being horny shits)

this was such a damn mess. but he could deal with it later, right?

#lister bird #allister ‘lister’ bird #jimmy kaga ricci #bicci #jister #osemanverse #alice oseman #iwbft #i was born for this #fanfic #rowan omondi #bliss lai #poor rowan lol

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cee693 · 5 years ago

Text

Give us bread, Give us salt, Give us wine.

Cee693

@allaboutmybucks: Barry and Iris spending time together before impending Crisis. I think I'll make this request a two-parter with the next one being a tiny bit less angsty.

In the end, the true state of their feelings wouldn’t be found in in the grand gestures. It wasn't in the breakfasts that had started overflowing with his favorite foods since he’d returned from Earth-3. It wasn't in the luxurious trips around the world. Trips that had them both ignoring the fact that most of the places they went to were from a list they’d compiled two years ago as an Anniversary Bucket List.

It wasn't in the proclamations and declarations of undying love.

It was in the little things.

It was in the touches, the hand holding that was a bit too tight. A goodbye kiss that was a second too long. It was in Barry’s breath catching when some budget forms arrived on his desk at work. He was supposed to fill in his request for the next fiscal year. Which began December 10th, 2019.

It was in Iris hitting ‘unsubscribe’ after receiving her routine alert from her pharmacy to go in for her next three-month supply of birth control pills.

It was in Barry getting into the habit of putting on their record player and getting Iris to dance around the kitchen with him while he cooked them dinner.

It wasn’t something he normally did. They’d danced around their kitchen more times than they could count, but it was usually after dinner or in a spontaneous burst in the day.

Mostly, because Barry was mindful of keeping his wife away from any open flames or boiling pots.

Iris’s track record in the kitchen was… not great. That’s why Barry tried to always have dinner ready to go after work so there was no chance of her getting involved.

But, that week, Iris had come home from work and greeted Barry over the blare of the upbeat record spinning and he hurried to kiss her before twirling her in his arms and sliding her into his work space.

The first time it happened they'd laughed so hard and danced for so long, Iris had to tag in and help him finish cooking so that they could eat before midnight.

The following night, Iris came home to the same sight: Barry happy and singing to music. This time with a bottle of wine chilled and ready for her. Iris kissed him soundly because that glass was exactly what she needed after the day she had.

Unfortunately, their bottle opener was mysteriously vanished so Barry asked her season and baste the roast he had in the oven while he ran out and got a new one.

By the time he returned (suspiciously long for a speedster), dinner was finished and ready to be served.

The next few days were the same and the two of them settled into a nice little routine of cooking and dancing.

Iris didn’t know what brought on Barry’s sudden good mood, but she didn’t question it. She loved seeing Barry like this: all care-free and happy.

Since his trip to Earth-3, Barry took care to carve out time, just the two of them, but she really appreciated that this last week there was no sense of dread in their time together only joy.

And the fact that he was like this with an apron on, sleeves rolled up his forearms as he snuck her bites of food was also incredibly sexy.

She couldn’t resist one night pressing up against him and kissing him sensually. She meant for it to be a quick kiss, but Barry had her up on the counter in seconds.

“Wait,” she pulled back after several minutes of being carried away. “The food's gonna burn.”

Barry shook his head and kissed her again. “Chicken's still marinating. Trick is to add baking soda and let it sit. It tenderizes the meat." Of course he said that last part with extreme innuendo as he kissed the side of her neck.

She liked it when he talked food. As much as she called him a nerd, anytime he flexed his intelligence, it was a huge turn-on for her.

She said as much another night when he swayed them in time to Nat King Cole right in front of the oven. Iris mentioned that the warmth coming from it was divine and Barry whispered that the 375° was just about the perfect temperature for anything.

To Barry’s credit, it took her almost two weeks to realize what he was doing.

And at first it stopped her in her tracks and knocked the air from her lungs.

She’d gotten home from work early and had just texted Barry to let him know when the lightbulb just randomly went off.

She went over the last two weeks of dinnertime in her head and when her suspicion was confirmed she locked herself in her office and cried until the sun went down.

By the time Barry came home, she pulled herself together and dried her eyes, but she resolved to not step foot out her office until tonight’s meal was on the table ready to be eaten.

Iris heard the front door open and close, then the shower run for a few seconds before she heard him back in the kitchen rumbling around.

When Billie Holiday began wafting through the loft, Iris correctly anticipated Barry coming to her.

He knocked on her door and she sluggishly got up to let him in.

"Hey," Barry greeted happily as he entered her office. He leaned down and kissed her sweetly. "How was your day."

"It was fine," Iris responded delicately. "How was yours?"

“Eh. Long. I missed you. I picked up some chicken and shrimp for alfredo? That sound okay?”

“Sure. That's great thank you.”

"Want to come out?” He asked.

"No."

"We could pop open that bottle of red we got from the Uco Valley. Best in the world."

"No. Sorry, I'm busy,” Iris responded, half-heartedly holding up the first magazine she touched.

Barry deflated a little. “Iris. I haven't seen you all day.”

She sighed and felt a bit bad. "I guess I can work at the dining table."

Iris grabbed her laptop and a notebook and followed Barry out to the living room. She settled at the dining table and let him get to work in the kitchen.

Of course tonight, though, Barry seemed to be having a bit of trouble in the kitchen.

"Damn it," he muttered a third time. Pots clanked and there was a definite sound of something spilling on the floor.

Still, Iris resisted the urge to take pity on him and ask him what was wrong. She knew in reality it was nothing at all.

Barry was a terrible liar, but he always gave valiant performances.

"Hey, I'm sorry,” he called out to her minutes later. “I know you're busy but could you help me grab the cream in the fridge? My hands are full."

If she wasn’t so angry, Iris would have been a little disappointed that that was the best he could come up with. She thinks for that lie to be believable she's supposed to pretend that he's not the fastest man alive.

She sighed and stood up. "How much cream?"

Barry nodded to the ipad on the counter. "Recipe's over there."

Iris scowled a bit and peeked at the tablet before she went to the fridge and checked. "We're all out."

"Oh really?" Barry exclaimed, voice higher than normal. “Darn.”

Iris stifled an eye-roll at the bad acting.

"Well, we could make a substitute for cream. Could you grab some milk and some butter? Just measure out a fourth of butter and three-

Iris huffed in frustration and slammed the fridge door.

"-I know what you're doing, so just stop it," she demanded.

Barry blinked and halted his chopping. "What?"

"I know what you've been doing, Barry," she repeated. "Putting out music and wine and finding any way to pull me into the kitchen. Pretending that you can't literally do all of this by yourself in seconds. Whispering off little culinary facts in passing."

"You've been teaching me how to cook," she accused.

"What? No, I haven't!" Barry exclaimed. He tried to sound confused and offended, but he was turning really red.

"Yes, you have!" she fumed.

Tears pricked her eyes. "Why though? Do you want to make sure I don't burn the loft down when you're not around to cook anymore?"

Her voice broke and she looked down, trying hard not to break again. "Is this your way of trying to prepare me for a life of dinners alone?"

Barry put down his knife and turned off the stove. He sighed and rubbed his eyes.

"I just … I'm sorry. I just wanted to give you some pointers that I knew you would remember," he admitted guiltily.

Iris's chin quivered. "You manipulated me."

"I'm sorry," he said again sincerely.

"I knew you wouldn't want to learn if I told you why."

"Yeah, well you're right about that," Iris sniffed, upset. She went to the dining table to pack up her stuff.

"Iris, wait. Please. I just don't know what to do anymore," he told her desperately. "I'm just at a dead end."

Iris whipped around and glared at him for his very poor choice of words.

Barry sighed, frustrated with himself. He tried again "I'm sorry. I am. I know that this wasn't really fair to you. I just want… I need to know that you'll be okay after Crisis. And part of that is making sure you eat."

Iris turned back around to the table.

"That's not something you can control though is it?" she asked weakly, unwilling to face the look in his eyes. Unable to face the words he was saying.

She didn't want this.

She didn't want to talk about this or think about it and she was angry this was in fact what the last few nights have been about.

Happy memories now tainted by their morbid ulterior motive. Everything in their lives touched by this death sentence.

"I don't know what else I'm supposed to do," Barry whispered tearfully. "I… I can't think of you here alone not eating, or only getting by on takeout or tv dinners for one."

Nausea flooded her stomach at the thought. But, he wasn't wrong.

That was her future.

That's what life would be without her husband. Without a child.

Just her. Here alone. No one to break bread with. No one to come home to after a long day. No one with a glass of wine or a tray of brownies waiting for her.

Just solitude.

A sob ripped through her and Barry was at her side in an instant, pulling her close and profusely apologizing.

“I'm sorry, please don't cry,” he begged. “I made a mistake.”

Iris wrestled free from him. "As much as you feel that it's not a choice to die, when you do things like this it seems like it is. It seems calculated and thought-out and it feels like a choice you're making every day.”

“I didn’t want to do this. And it’s not fair that you planned this,” she said, upset. “It's out of your hands. You've accepted what the Monitor said and you’re leaving, but please, don’t try to tie up the loose ends Crisis is leaving behind into a nice little bow.”

“Iris, that’s not-”

She swallowed nausea and just left her stuff where they were. “-I’m going to bed. You should take your time cleaning up before you come upstairs.”

Barry took the hint to give her space and he let her go.

Iris took a long hot shower before she climbed into bed completely exhausted.

It was quiet now.

Ms. Holiday’s voice had ceased.

Iris heard the vague sound of a good bit of glass crashing somewhere downstairs and she was almost grateful for the sound of Barry’s anger.

After weeks of subdued acceptance, it was refreshing to hear signs of emotion in her husband.

And then it was quiet again.

She figured it was over an hour before Barry finally trudged up the stairs and into their bedroom. He creeped by her to the bathroom and she heard him brush his teeth and change for bed.

When he slid in beside her, Iris was still clearly wide awake.

She didn't turn around and Barry didn't expect her to.

He didn’t try to talk to her and Iris didn’t expect him to.

But, his arm slid around her waist at the exact moment she reached behind her to pull him close.

Because, regardless of if they had a choice or not, these were their last days together. And they would spend every one of them side by side.

Iris rocked back and forth in her chair at the Citizen berating herself again and again.

She felt like the biggest hypocrite. She was filled with so much anger and there was no one to be blamed for it. None of this was fair.

Her husband was selfless and good. Everything he did, he did with her in mind.

Barry had done nothing wrong two nights ago.

He certainly hadn't done anything she hadn't done in the past.

She had tried that a few times. Tried to get her affairs in order. Tried to leave instructions for Barry that she knew he would need after Savitar killed her.

After Kadabra's offer went unaccepted and Barry's trip to the future came up short, Iris had bought a label maker and went to town around the apartment, putting up little reminders and facts for her fiancé. Like the Wi-Fi password he could never remember and the best times to go to the farmer's market for the sweetest peaches.

And, though she kept it tucked under her side of the mattress, she'd even began keeping a notebook marking down which of her things should be donated to which charities.

She thought she'd done a good thing.

Thought she was making the future easier for him. Until she came home from work and found all her labels torn off and ripped up and the label maker and her secret notebook dumped in the trash.

When she confronted Barry about why he'd done that, she saw that he was very, very upset, but was trying hard to reel it in.

His voice was shaking when he told her that all of that wasn't necessary. If he needed the Wi-Fi password he would just ask her. And that they'd agreed to never let him go to the farmer's market alone again after the Peony Debacle.

He didn't even acknowledge the notebook. Just demanded that she never do anything like this again. And then he left the house and only returned several hours later.

Iris never wanted to look back on those dark, dark months leading up to her supposed murder. She never wanted to revisit the fucked up headspaces she and Barry were forced into for five months. Least of all with a twisted sense of longing. But, that's where she was now.

What happened three years ago and what was happening now are two sides of the same coin, but the way they were being handled couldn't be more different.

Back then there was fire.

There was anger.

There were slammed doors and passionate declarations of resistance.

There was unwavering belief in defiance and blood oaths of protection.

No matter what loop they were thrown, Barry never lost faith that she would somehow survive. Not one single moment. Not once in five long, grueling months.

And when Iris wavered, when she wasn't so sure herself, Barry shouldered her pain and he found faith enough for the both of them.

But, that was then.

Back when there were flames. Back when there was fight.

Now? Now it's just quiet.

Just unceasingly quiet.

It had only taken Barry two days to lose all hope. To accept complete defeat. To accept death.

Two. Days.

And she was pushed to do the same.

Well, the truth was that she didn't. She didn't accept his death. She never would.

But she couldn't fight fate. So where did that leave her?

In silence.

That's all there was now.

Barry's silence was submission, but hers was seething. It was storming. With no hope for an outlet. Because the hero had already accepted demise.

The silence was deafening. It was demoralizing. And now it was made even thicker by their argument.

Iris scoffed and sat up. If she couldn’t fight the world than she would put her energy into something she could control. There were victories still to be found in the everyday. And if that’s all she could have, she’d fight like hell to claim them.

Barry sighed miserably as he cleaned up and locked down his lab for the night.

As far as he knew, there were no pressing Flash duties at Star Labs so he could just go home. But, he didn't know if he should just yet. There was a chance Iris was still at work and he didn't want to hang around the quiet apartment without her there.

And if she was home already, he was hesitant to do the awkward dance they'd been doing the last few days.

It was a blend of having stilted conversation and clinging to each other.

It was exhausting. And it wouldn't sustain them much longer, but he couldn't find their way out.

Crisis was inevitable. It was coming.

And the two of them would never agree on what needed to be done.

No matter how much she bit her tongue, Barry knew how Iris truly felt about him accepting his destiny. That's why he knew he had to lie to try and prepare her for a small part of life without him there.

And she had every right to feel the way she did.

He was in her shoes not long ago. He'd never forget the feeling of that sucking hole in your chest when you're facing the death of your soulmate.

Barry rubbed his eyes roughly. He’d go home. There was no sense in avoiding Iris. No matter what storm they were facing, it would be together.

He locked the door to his lab just as his phone vibrated. He pulled it out and saw a message from Iris.

Meet me at Jitters when you’re off..

He was out CCPD and outside of the coffeehouse in seconds.

It was late. Jitters was already closed for the night and there was no one inside. Which made him apprehensive.

Why had Iris called him here? Was something wrong? Was she alright?

He phased through the doors and looked around.

It was pitch black, save for a dim light coming from the back. “Iris? Are you in here?”

Hurried steps came from the kitchen and he sighed in relief when he saw his wife come around to the front counter.

“Oh! Hey, I wasn’t expecting you so quickly. I thought you were still at work.”

“I packed up early,” he explained coming closer. “What’s up? Everything alright?”

She looked calm and in one piece. She was drying her hands on a small towel and when he got close enough he saw that she was wearing an apron.

“What are you doing?”

“Everything’s fine,” Iris assured. “I just thought these industrial grade stoves and fire system would be a safer bet than our kitchen.”

“Safer for what?” he wondered uneasily.

“I made us dinner,” she told him simply.

“You cooked? Dinner?” Barry repeated, dumbfounded. He didn’t know what he thought this meeting was about but it definitely wasn’t that.

Now that his attention was there, though, he did smell savory richness coming from the kitchens.

Iris nodded. “Yeah.”

Barry could see that she was still somewhat- not defensive, but on guard. Cautious.

He didn’t want to question if that meant she understood where he was coming from last week just in case that wasn’t the case.

“Wow. That’s- that’s really great! I’m sure it’s great. Thank you,” he smiled softly.

Iris gestured for him to grab a seat at the counter. “I didn’t think you’d be out of work so early, so there’s still a few minutes left until the food’s ready.”

“That’s no problem at all.”

Iris studied his face before she sighed and looked down.

She reached over and grabbed the bottle of wine she’d chilled and poured them each a tall glass.

It was the bottle of red they’d gotten from Argentina. It tasted like heaven. And, though it wouldn’t have a huge effect on Barry, it helped ease the tension in both of their shoulders.

“This is perfect,” Iris moaned as the hints of berry and clove slid down her throat.

“Good choice,” Barry agreed, impressed.

“Oh!” Iris suddenly remembered. “I almost forgot.”

She hurried to the back and returned with a large platter. “Some hors d'oeuvres. I made broiled oysters.”

Barry's brows shot up. “Did you really?”

Iris shrugged. "I think I was being spiteful making something so dramatic," she admitted. "The main course isn't nearly as fancy though."

She came around the counter with the large platter and set it down between them.

Barry lifted the lid and saw that she had in fact made oysters. And they smelled and looked amazing.

"This looks incredible," he complimented with wonder.

"Try one," Iris told him.

Barry only hesitated briefly (as great as it looked, he had been on the receiving end of the adventurous side of Iris's cooking many times before) before he slid a shell off the plate and downed it.

"Holy shit, that's amazing," he exclaimed in disbelief. He looked at her excitedly. "Iris, this is amazing!"

Iris's was still a bit standoffish, but as he thanked her and tried two more oysters, her shoulders loosened and the smile on her face widened.

"Thanks," she said genuinely as she shrugged. "It was no big deal, I just followed a recipe."

By the time the oven timer went off, Iris had settled into the seat beside him and the two of them took turns polishing off the seafood.

She spent a few minutes in the kitchen this time and when she came back she was holding a very large pot. "Okay. Full disclosure, this took a few tries but I eventually got the hang of it."

She carefully put down the sizzling pan and uncovered it dramatically.

Barry was hit with the mouthwatering sight of chicken and shrimp Alfredo.

Barry grinned widely. “That’s my girl.”

“And I used butter and milk cause, funnily enough, somehow a coffeehouse was completely out of cream,” she teased.

Barry chuckled heartily and Iris joined in and soon they were laughing hard at such a simple joke, letting the tension of the week melt away.

Eventually, they gathered themselves and Barry helped Iris dish out the pasta.

She waited with bated breath as he took his first bite and smiled with relief when he told her with complete and utter seriousness that it was the best bite of food he’s ever had in his entire life.

And Barry was sure all was forgiven when she took his fork and fed him the rest of his plate, sneaking bites herself and catching up with him on her day.

By the time they took their last bites, Barry felt warm and stuffed. “That was the best meal I’ve ever had,” he said contently. “Thank you.”

“Glad you liked it,” she smiled. “I guess I can tuck that recipe away for future use.”

The mood sobered up some at the reminder of the future. Iris sighed painfully and sipped the last of her wine.

Barry gently cupped her cheek and turned her back to him. “I’m really sorry about before. You know I was just trying to help. Right?”

“I know,” Iris promised. “It’s just that this is all really hard. It’s more than it just being food, Barry.”

Tears pricked her eyes. “I know I can't cook very well. I know that. And when it was just me I really didn’t care too much to learn. But, I’ve always liked trying. For you.”

He knew that was true. Iris always cooked for them at Joe’s more out of a sense of duty to pull her weight and ease the stress on her working, single father.

She never cooked for Eddie. Never once felt the desire to. She dated him for over a year. She'd lived with him for five months. But, she only ever tried to cook for him once. He'd gotten run down with the flu and after a few days she thought maybe she ought to make him chicken noodle soup. She got as far as almost slicing her thumb clean off chopping up some carrots before she threw everything out and grabbed a takeout menu.

But, after she and Barry started dating and then especially after they got married, Iris loved cooking all sorts of meals for him. They never ended well, but Barry was an expert at making Iris think otherwise.

Barry Allen was the only man who could ever make Iris West want to spend hours huddled over a hot stove or a skillet and read over complex recipes until her eyes crossed.

“After all we’ve been through. After this life we’ve only just started together, it’s just supposed to go back to it just being me at the table?” Iris cried. “I’m just supposed to do normal, mundane things like this as if half of me isn’t gone? You’ll be gone, Barry. Who cares if the I’m living off pork rinds and gum. What the hell difference does it make?”

Barry wiped her tears before wiping his own. “You have to care, Iris. Because if you don’t it will be that much easier to lose the purpose in everything. Food will seem pointless, but then so will washing your face and pretty soon getting out of bed will be too much of a hassle. And who needs to go into work when you’re the boss? I know, I know exactly what my life would’ve been like if you weren’t there after I lost my parents. I saw what my life was like in the future after Savitar. That can’t be your life.”

He shook his head and put his hand right over her heart. “Everything I have. Everything I love is right here. The choice to keep this beating is mine. But, I won’t be here to protect it anymore. To take care of it. That’s only your choice. It’s a choice you have to make. And choosing to keep going in spite of all the pain that’s coming will be the hardest decision you’ll make. It will hurt like hell, but you have to do it. And if something as tiny as making yourself a plate of food after a harsh day is what keeps you going so you don’t collapse or shut down, then you have to do that too. You will have to take care of yourself even when it’s the last thing you’ll want to do. Especially then. I just wanted to try to find a way to help you do that.”

Iris closed her eyes, tears fell harder.

She was wrong. She was wrong before. Barry’s acceptance was full of fight.

Her husband was still full of fire.

Iris nodded. “I will. I’ll try to take care of myself. And I’ll try to stay on top of my meals. I promise.”

Iris felt the desperation ease from his grip. Felt the tension melt away in his exhale.

“Three times a day?” he asked when they separated. He hoped for a positive answer, but had no expectations.

After all this time neither of them had any illusions about the cost of grief. She knew the reality of what she could offer him.

“Once per day is going to be pretty lucky I think,” Iris told him, smiling sadly.

Barry swallowed despair at that. It was the truth. Still he tried to bargain up. “Two times.”

Iris sighed.

“One full meal and a snack,” he amended.

“One full meal and a snack,” she compromised.

He kissed her then, sealing the accord in love.

“I love you,” he said softly when they pulled away.

“I love you,” Iris responded.

She rested her head on his shoulder and Barry wrapped his arms around her tight pulling her as close to him as their bodies would allow.

The feel of her heart beating against his side lulled him. It was always the thing that would keep him breathing.

Several minutes later, something caught his eye on one of the counters. “Did you make those?”

He pointed to a pile of cookies sitting high on an ornate glass plate. They didn’t look like anything Jitters sold.

“Oh wow, yeah. I forgot about dessert,” Iris chuckled.

Barry sped over and grabbed them, sliding back into his seat before Iris could notice. “Let’s try some then.”

“Ooh, baby I would not eat those cookies if I were you,” Iris warned seriously. “I don't think they turned out right.”

Barry waved off her doubts. "All of this was perfect. I'm sure they're fine."

He smelled the cookie then took a big bite to show her he wasn’t worried. But, as soon as the dessert touched his tongue, he regretted it.

His eyes reflexively bulged and he stopped chewing for a second before his sense kicked in and he made his usual sounds of content. "Mmm see?! Delicious!"

The cookies were burnt to a crisp on the underside, but somehow chewy in the middle. And he was certain Iris had mixed up her salt and sugar again, but he powered through and finished the whole thing.

He subtly tried to gasp for breath to clear the taste of ash from the back of his throat. He knew reaching for a drink would give him away so he smiled down at her instead and smacked his lips.

“Wow, gr-great stuff,” he prayed his eye didn’t twitched from the bitterness.

Fortunately it didn’t.

Unfortunately, Iris looked so pleased with his enjoyment that she offered him three more cookies, picking out the biggest ones she could find.

Barry ate them each with a smile, washing down the rancid taste with the joy on his wife’s face.

“Maybe I can do the cooking for the rest of the week,” Iris suggested as they walked home a few hours later.

Before dessert, from the delicious meal she’d prepared he would’ve readily agreed. This was what he had wanted in the first place.

But, the thought of those god-awful cookies made his stomach roll. Depending on what she decided to cook, he might very well not even make it to Crisis.

Still, he thought as he squeezed her hand and took in her eager smile, if that was how he went- at home eating his warm meal across from this woman who he loved more than life itself- it would be the greatest honor.

He grinned and nodded his head in agreement at the offer.

“That would be wonderful,” he said sincerely.

#Westallen #The Flash #Barry Allen #Iris West-Allen #Crisis on Infinite Earths

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purplesurveys · 5 years ago

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714

Do you have anyone you fully trust? Yeah, mostly my friends. I wouldn’t befriend them if I knew from the get-go they couldn’t keep a secret or be reliable. What kind of pants did you wear today? I usually wear shorts to keep myself comfortable during the warm April days. How old is your television? Our TVs in the living and dining rooms have been around since we moved in so that’s 12 years. My parents’ TV is around 8-9 years old, I’m not very sure. I don’t have my own TV in my room – I used to, but it got moved to my brother’s room when we realized he’d use it more since he has a PS3/PS4. That one is around 6 years old. Do you have a laptop or desktop? Laptop. When did you last talk on the phone with someone? Not so sure. I think it was a couple of nights ago.

Are you currently sleepy? A little bit, which is why I have a cup of coffee beside me right now. ;) Have you ever deleted Facebook friends for a significant other? No, that’s so childish and obviously possessive eugh. I don’t like some of Gab’s friends but at the end of the day they’re still her friends, so I never feel the need to tell her to delete them. Have you ever had bad trust issues with someone? Yep. That’s why to make things easier for me I just stop talking to them entirely. What accent do you think is the most attractive? There’s a certain kind of British accent that I find very pleasurable to listen to... think the cast of Love Actually and how everyone there talked, haha. Do you own any television series box sets? I have an unofficial box set to the 1980s show Perfect Strangers that my dad bought for me. Other than that, no – I do have copies of some of my favorite shows like Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead, but they’re all kept in a hard drive.

Have you ever been in a fight with your best friend? I’ve been in numerous fights with Gab. My last fight with Angela was back in the 5th grade probs. Do you have high standards? Eh, for certain things but not everything. I have high standards for group projects and papers – my groupmates don’t just get away with writing in whatever style they wish or designing our Powerpoint however way they want if they’re grouped with me; I’m a bit of a control freak when it comes to that. Which for me is an ok trait to have since more often than not I WILL see a grammar error or a haphazardly-made slide in a Powerpoint.

When it comes to food and vacations I also tend to be a bit uppity since both my parents have worked in the hotel industry for almost 30 years, so over time I’ve learned to identify which accommodations are good and which aren’t. When did you last receive a hug and who was it from? I haven’t received a hug in more than a month. I’m rottinggggggg. Do you take any advanced classes? No. I don’t think we can do that here, or if we even have that concept. What is your lucky number? I don’t have one. Do you own a book bag? If so, what color is it? No I don’t, I only have large backpacks since I tend to carry a lot of stuff for school. Was the last movie you watched a horror film? I didn’t watch it in full, but yeah The Shining is very much a horror flick. Do you own a lot of tee shirts? Yeah, both for outside and for home wear. They’re just comfortable and convenient to have lol. Do you plan your outfits ahead of time? Not always. I plan my outfits mostly if I’m going to be seeing my girlfriend the next day since I always want to look nice for her, and to look cute if we’re gonna go to the mall hahaha. Have you ever spent the night in jail? I have not. I’ve read Chris Jericho’s account of having to stay the night in a cell for a DUI and it sounds like a nightmare, though. Would you say you're a bad influence on others? No. If I do act like a bad influence it’ll always be jokingly - like telling my friends to cut class so we can have lunch together - but in the end I’ll tell them to go to their class, or at least to make their own decision. Describe your favorite jacket? It’s a UP-themed varsity jacket, and it’s maroon and has the name of the school in big letters at the back. Are you a colorful person or quite bland? I always try to be colorful, of course. I would hate to have to describe myself as bland. List one word to describe your significant other? Right now, annoying. In general, she’s understanding. Do you handle pain well? It’s one of the few things that I don’t. I can’t handle pricks to the skin, gashes, paper cuts, etc. Have you ever been so nervous you threw up? No, I find myself feeling barf-y only if I have a bad headache or, more predictably, if I’ve had too much to drink. Where is your favorite place to go when you're depressed? I like going to Skywalk because I can always count on the fact that at least one orgmate will be there at any time of the day, and my orgmates are my family and make me forget about my problems instantly. If Skywalk doesn’t help, I go to my car and cry as much as I need to.

If I’m not at the university I like going to our couch in the living room, because my bedroom only makes me more depressed and I have had particularly bad episodes when I had willingly stayed there in the past. Do you remember the first survey you took? I’ve always recorded my surveys on Tumblr so the first one is on my first survey blog, the one I got locked out of last 2016 haha. How many friends do you have on Facebook? I don’t feel like checking exactly how many but it’s in the 660s or 670s. Have you ever watched fight videos for amusement? No thanks, any video involving any kind of conflict stresses me out. In high school, were you in trouble a lot? Nah. My friend group were mild troublemakers but we all performed well in school, had good grades, and respected teachers at the end of the day so they didn’t really have a reason to penalize us. Do you enjoy your hairstyle? I like it a lot better than my boring straight hair, but with the lockdown making all salons close for the meantime, I have no idea what to do with my bangs that are growing too long now D:

Do you have long hair or short hair? It’s a lot shorter than before. How much make up do you wear on a daily basis? Zero. I only wear makeup for parties or formal events. What is your favorite television show? Breaking Bad and Friends. Do you have a leather jacket? No. I don’t really need that here either... I can’t imagine how hot I’d feel wearing that. Do you think anyone dislikes you for no reason? Sure. Don’t most people have one person they feel this way towards lmaoooo Do you have any children? Nope. Have you ever been interviewed on television before? Nah but we’ve had media crews visit our school before to look for interviewees for segments in news programs. I’ve always just said no and watched my friends from behind the camera. Do you have weak upper body strength? A little but it’s improved a whole lot from my fitness class last sem. What is the worst insult someone can call you? A failure. Do you write on your hands a lot? Only back in high school. I have no idea what made me stop as soon as I started college but thank fuck I did because it was such a poor habit to have. Are you good at sketching? I’m no good at any kind of drawing or creating images. Do you think hugs are awkward? If it’s not with the right person or if I hugged someone who wasn’t a hugger then yeah, they can be awkward. Do you think facial hair is gross? No unless it’s neglected and has like gunk or food bits in it. But I don’t mind hair in general. Would you ever dye your hair an unnatural color? Sure. What color was the last cup you drank from? My coffee mug :) It has a black decor on the outside that turns bright blue when the liquid inside is hot, so that I know to be careful with it. Ever play Angry Birds? I did play it back in 2010 but I was already pretty old then (at least for those kinds of games) so I didn’t really enjoy it. We had it on the family iPad for a while though because my brother, who was 6-7 at the time, liked the game. Did you think it was annoying, like I did? The sounds were a bit annoying, sure. Have you ever been to the zoo before? No, but close. My old school has its own eco-park that we used to visit every now and then. What instruments do you know how to play? Just the recorder, which really shouldn’t count lol. How late did you stay up last night? Till 4 AM, I think. How late do you plan on staying up tonight? I have no idea. Definitely not now, though.

#survey #surveys

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raybansandcoffee · 6 years ago

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Los Angeles, When Will You Save Me? - Chapter One: Welcome Home (Joy Williams)

First off, I am so sorry about the delay in getting the first official chapter of Los Angeles, When Will You Save Me? posted. Winter has been hell. The weather in Iowa has been so spastic I’ve basically had a constant migraine since January. My oldest cat was sick off and on which has resulted in $200 in vet bills in the last month, thankfully none of it is life threatening. I’ve decided that running my own business and trying to fulfill my creative need by writing isn’t enough and have been working on launching a podcast with a close friend of mine. Then February decided to go out with a fucking bang and a panic attack as one of my closest friends was diagnosed with cancer which led to an incredibly dark period for me.

I need to find solace in my writing but this story was too heavy, too real for me to do that so I started writing something different. One of the hugest parts of my anxiety is perfectionism. I don’t like doing something if I can’t make it perfect. Today I realized something incredibly important:

Done is better than perfect.

So here it is, a completed chapter one. I hope you enjoy it and can’t wait to hear what you think about it.

Again, thank you for sticking with me through all of this.

Chapter One: Welcome Home (Joy Williams)

“Did you sleep at all last night?” Harry asked as he walked into the gym. I was just finishing a ride on my Peloton and he looked prepared for his morning work out.

“Not really.”

“Hey Harry,” Dad called through the video chat we were doing while we did the ride together.

“Good morning, Marco. Should I blame you for the reason my girlfriend didn’t sleep last night?”

“That’s not my fault. Blame that Horcrux of hers. I got an email from her at 3:30AM, your time not mine.” It was currently 6:45 so Harry knew if I slept it was for only a handful of hours.

“Evie,” Harry said in his concerned tone of voice.

“What? I had a lot of work to do.”

“I’m gonna bow out of this conversation now. Have a good day. Love ya, Bambina.”

“Love ya, Dad.” The video ended and stepped off of the bike. I got on my tip toes to kiss Harry. “Good morning.”

“Good morning. You should’ve slept last night.”

“I missed the staff meeting yesterday because of the follow-up appointment Pops had with his cardiologist. So I had to read through the notes, get back with some of my staff on things and get prepped for a few conference calls and meetings that I have today.”

“Does this mean you’re leaving the house to work?”

“No, they are all with the New York and London teams. So they are video chats.”

“Everlee.”

“Just stop. I’m working from home again today. It’s okay.”

“You’re eventually going to have to go back to normal life.”

“I am back to normal life,” I argued. “Just an altered version of normal life.”

“Keep telling yourself that.” He was frustrated with me but he was being as supportive as he could be. “I have a meeting with the team to plan our recording sessions today. I’d like for my manager to attend, but we aren’t having the meeting in this house.” I hesitated.

“What time is it?”

“It’s a lunch meeting.” I scrolled through my schedule on my phone.

“I can do a lunch meeting.”

“Good. Now go shower, you smell disgusting.” Harry smiled as he kissed me. I walked out of the gym and into the morning air. A few steps from the gym and I snuck into the kitchen to find a fresh pot of coffee.

“Good morning, Everlee,” Linda said. She handed me the breakfast I’d gotten in the habit of eating every morning.

“Hey kiddo,” Pops called from the island where he was enjoying a cup of coffee, reading through the news on his iPad and eating breakfast. I walked towards him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Done with your morning workout already? It’s a bit early for you.”

“Yeah, Dad and I scheduled a Peloton ride together.”

“You two are having way too much fun with that.” I’d gotten one for Dad’s birthday for him while also buying one for myself.

“Hey, at least I’m being healthy.”

“Which I love,” Pops replied. “Are you going into the office today?”

“Nope. I’ve got conference calls and video meetings. Though Harry is dragging me to lunch with the team he’s selected for his album. They are discussing the recording schedule.”

“When does he leave for Jamaica?”

“End of the month.” I slid into the seat beside my father.

“You prepared to be apart again?”

“Not really. But it’s our life. We will always have time apart because of our careers.”

“I’m sorry, kiddo.”

“Eh, it’s life. I better go shower though. My first conference call is in an hour and it’s a video conference.” I groaned as I stood up.

“I’ll come down and see you a little later.” I kissed Pops on the cheek again before walking back outside and through the deck and outdoor area to the guest house. I slid the door open to find Harold curled up on the couch. He meowed at me.

“Good morning, bud.” I scratched his head a little bit. “Mummy is gonna go shower.” As I headed towards the bathroom the cat jumped down off of the couch and followed me. It had been an adjustment period for us. Harry and I had been sharing his 4 bedroom, 5 bathroom, 4,400 square foot home near the Sunset Strip, sure Ty and Eliza had been living with us but they were rarely there because of work and their relationships. Once Pops was released from the hospital I moved into the guest house I’d lived in at his house in college. I refused to be away from him. Harry, not wanting to be away from me, packed up his stuff, the cat, and most of my things to move in with me at my father’s.

It had been an adjustment the first six weeks that we’d been here but we were starting to get into a groove. I’d get up in the morning, work out, shower, get some work done, spend time with my father, and we’d all have dinner together. Harry was almost acting as Pops’ personal trainer. They’d play tennis, basketball, go on hikes, swim, and spend time in the gym that was in the house. I’d even witness Pops doing yoga with Harry which was something I never in a million years imagined I’d see.

I’d been refusing to leave the house to go to work at the office. Kammi and Cameron were, of course, supportive of it. They knew I needed to be home with Pops for a while. For the most part, everyone had been really supportive. When Cynthia found out that I’d been using the coffee table that was near the couch in the guest house, which was essentially a really nice studio apartment, she showed up and went to work. The guest houses on the property were right next to each other. They were all rarely used except the one Pops had converted into a gym when he bought the house, in fact, the one Harry and I were living in hadn’t been used since I lived here in college. We even found some of my stuff still in the closet. She put the bedroom furniture of another guest house into storage in the house and within 48 hours designed and put together a dream office for me. Unlike my office at SME, it was all white, calming, and very serene. Harry had put me in a car, driven me to the Apple Store and told me to buy everything I needed to have a home office. I’d always just functioned off of my laptop when I was at home because I’d had roommates and nowhere to have a desk. I even went overboard and bought two iMacs so that if he was in there with me he could be on a computer as Cynthia had put two desks in there. There was still comfy furniture so if someone was there with me or if Harry or Pops came out to hang out while I worked they didn’t have to sit in a chair at my desk or if I needed to relax for a few minutes between calls I could. Kammi would occasionally come and work with me here so we could spend some time together and I could get some face time with people that weren’t my father, my boyfriend, Linda, Cynthia, Rachel or the twins.

It had been nice to have Cynthia and the girls around the house again. It gave the house life when they’d all show up for dinner or a Saturday by the pool or on the horses. It was almost as if we were a family again. I had been pressuring Cynthia to talk to my father. I heard her in the hospital telling him he wasn’t allowed to go anywhere because she needed to talk to him. Here we were, six weeks later and she’d said nothing. He just thought that because he’d nearly died everyone was afraid to leave him alone. I knew that it was because she was hopelessly in love with him but still afraid to tell him that.

As I stood in the shower I heard my phone vibrate on the sink a few times. I tried to ignore it. It wasn’t even 8:00 yet. Everyone had been doing really great about not contacting me outside of normal business hours. They knew that if they did I’d work 24/7 which was unhealthy and a habit that Pops, Cameron, Kammi, and the Board were trying to break me of. Mom and Dad had made a trip out when Pops was first released from the hospital. They wanted to make sure I was okay and that Pops was okay. The boys were able to come with them and against my better judgment, Pops pushed me out of the house to spend time with them. It was nice to see them and spend time with them for a while. Mom was concerned and still is, about the fact that I’d moved home with Pops. She didn’t want me to give up my life to take care of him, but she got it. She knew it was temporary, I just wanted to be close to him in case something else happened. I had gone far enough to outfit every room on the property with one of those damn Amazon Echos so that no matter where he was I could talk to him. Harry wasn’t a huge fan of it but he knew that his girlfriend who dealt with severe anxiety needed to be able to reach her father wherever he was to settle her anxiety.

I got out of the shower and towel dried my hair before getting dressed. I’d chopped my hair short a few weeks ago. My stylist told me that it was something she’d been anticipated after she heard about Pops. Evidently, it was totally normal for people to go through massive changes in their physical appearance after traumatic experiences. She was also placing bets on how long it would be before I appeared back in the salon asking for extensions because of how much I loved having long hair. I must admit, it was easier to get ready in the morning and often times I just allowed my hair to air dry and embrace the slight wave my hair had naturally. Knowing I was going to lunch with Harry and his team I put on a pair of skinny jeans that were a little ripped and a vintage tee that Harry had bought for me recently. I would normally work in clothing that fell in the athleisure category since I didn’t really leave the house unless I absolutely had to. I grabbed my laptop off the coffee table, my planner, Harold, and a few other things before heading towards my office.

“Alexa, turn on my morning playlist,” I said as I slide the door open and walked into my office leaving the screen door open so I could enjoy the morning air while I worked.

“Playing Evie’s Morning Playlist on Spotify,” the computerized voice replied. I plugged in my MacBook Pro and woke up the iMac while I got settled in at my desk. I had a routine every morning. First I’d turn on the morning playlist I’d made on Spotify and then turn on the giant TV that hung on the wall with CNN on with it on mute with closed captioning so I could stay up-to-date on the news while I worked. Then I look at my calendar and updated my to do list in Wunderlist so I knew what my tasks were for the day. After that, I’d check my email and see if there’s anything I need to add while prioritizing what I needed to reply to and when. I would always send out the morning update to my team with everything that I needed by the end of the day. I’d become surprisingly productive and followed this same routine every morning.

Living without an assistant a few feet away had been a challenge at first. I debated back and forth on if I wanted to have Eliza working here with me every day, we’d even tried it for a week and gave up. Sharing the office space with her wasn’t productive for me and it had seemed incredibly uncomfortable for everyone involved. I wasn’t keeping the hours I normally did. There wasn’t a cafeteria so if you wanted to eat it was in the kitchen in the main house. I’d adjusted, she hadn’t. So she went back to work at the office. I think the amount of time Harry spent in the office with me bothered her a bit. He’d been a great help, often bouncing ideas with me when I needed human interaction. He also spent time working on his stuff while I worked, which was surprisingly nice. Since we’d set the space up as an office for both of us he was in here with me for part of the day most days. Though on days that Kammi came to work with me he’d hand off his desk and work from the couch if he felt like invading girl time. We even tried Eliza spending a few hours here once a week until a week ago when she asked if she could stop doing that. She said it wasn’t conducive to her work style. I could respect that. The work life I had set up now wasn’t for everyone. But that meant her job was shifting because she wasn’t really working for me anymore. Harry had suggested I look at getting a personal assistant, someone that could help with some of the stuff that Eliza had done that kept me organized but more specifically someone that could help me with things like running errands and making sure that my personal life was organized. I knew that what he was suggesting made sense but the fear of Eliza’s reaction had me hesitating to start the search for one.

At the request of Cameron, Kammi, and the board my responsibilities had started to shift because of the change with Pops. We’d temporarily promoted Pops’ #2 to take over his management roles and some of mine had shifted to several of my top employees in LA so that I could be the daughter I needed to be. It had been a challenge, I wasn’t always the best delegator but I trusted the people beneath me and knew that they were not only capable of taking on more but also deserved the chance to shine. I’d been so impressed by their work. I met with the once per week. Sometimes it was in a coffee shop as an excuse to get me out of the house. Sometimes they came over to the house and we’d hang out on the deck, enjoy some of Linda’s delicious food and the gorgeous view from my Pops’ house. And I’d even tried going into the office to meet with them once, that had been a nightmare. The second I walked in the door everyone was in my face. I hadn’t been in the office in two weeks at that point and Pops hadn’t either so everyone wanted to know how everything was going. It had been extremely overwhelming. I’d actually locked myself in my office and had a panic attack as soon as I made it through the building. It was too much being there and having everyone ask questions and try and get time with me. After that day I’d been afraid to go back into the office.

I’d not disclosed that panic attack to anyone but my therapist who I was now seeing twice a week. She was trying to prepare me mentally for the idea that someday I’d have to go back to work in the office while also working through the emotional repercussions of all of the changes happening in my life. Processing my father nearly dying had been hard. I didn’t talk for two days and had remained relatively quiet until he got out of the hospital and I started living with him again. My relationships with my friends and family had changed, which she told me constantly was normal. I’d experienced something extremely traumatic and only those who felt that same kind of trauma would get what I’d gone through or at least try to be supportive. I’d found myself growing apart from people I thought were essential to my existence and closer to people that at one point in my life I’d wished didn’t exist in my life. Harry had started joining me for one of the appointments with me each week. We’d struggled initially after my decision to move in with Pops. Living in a guest house together had been quite the adjustment. We’d fought a few times, once to the point that I slept on the couch in my office. I woke up the next morning to Harry sleeping on the floor beside me. He started crying and telling me that he was done fighting, he wanted to do whatever he needed to do to support me. That was when we decided he’d start joining me with my therapist on occasion. The experience initially had tried to pull us apart but honestly, we were closer now than we had been before.

“Hey there, buddy,” I said to Harold as he jumped up onto my desk looking for a few scratches behind his ear. He immediately meowed back at me. He was an extremely talkative cat. I loved that he was so happy coming to my office with me during the day. Sometimes he’d lay on the couch but most of the time he’d occupy a spot on my desk so that he could be part of everything that was going on. Sometimes he’d try to jump into the view of my video conferences. My staff and clients had become big fans of Harold’s appearances. I saw the request pop up in the corner of my screen for my first video chat, this one was with the head of my department in London. It would likely take about a half hour. In an hour I had one scheduled with the head of the department in New York. They’d each stepped up immediately taking over the weekly staff meetings that I usually video conferenced in for. Today they’d touch base with me to let me know how the staff meeting had gone. Then this afternoon I’d touch base with the staff in Chicago and LA that were handling the offices for me. We were working towards a quarterly meeting at the end of next week that would be held here in LA. As soon as the video chat with London ended a new request came in, this one from Kammi.

“Hey,” I answered as I leaned back in my chair with my iced coffee.

“Happy Monday!” she said cheerily, she had clearly had more coffee than I had so far.

“You’re still too fucking cheery in the morning.”

“Sorry, not sorry. How is the morning so far?”

“Not too bad. The video conference with London went well. The portion of the staff that will be here next week for quarterly meetings is excited.”

“Are you?”

“Fuck no,” I replied laughing. “I hate quarterly meetings. If I get a second of sleep between now and the end of next week I’ll be surprised.”

“You clearly didn’t get any last night,” she said. I’d emailed her at 4:00 this morning. I shrugged. “I know that they prescribed you sleeping pills. You need to take them.” She and Harry clearly talked about that last night when she, Nick, and Ty joined us for Sunday dinner.

“I hate that you and my boyfriend share everything. Nothing is sacred.”

“No, certain things are sacred. I don’t tell him what you tell me unless I’m super concerned for your safety.”

“I know. Thank you for that. How’s the office today?” I asked.

“Strange,” she replied. “Ty is lonely so he keeps coming in my office.”

“Why is he lonely?”

“They moved Eliza off of your desk, she was officially done at the end of the day Friday.” I frowned. “Yeah, it’s fucking weird. Until they determine where she’s permanently going to be she’s working the front desk.”

“Ouch. That’s the worst assignment. I feel bad.”

“Don’t,” Kammi ordered. “You gave her a chance. You did everything you could to make your current situation conducive for her and she couldn’t make it work. That’s not your fault. Ty is having a rough time with it though.” We’d recently promoted Ty. He wasn’t just running Kammi’s desk anymore, he was the person who was placed in charge of all of the executive assistants in the office. It had been Pops’ assistant before but with his change, she decided it was time to retire. She’d been planning to retire at the end of the year so Pops’ agreed to pay out the remainder of the year so she could start retirement early.

“Tell him I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, Ev. It’s not your fault,” came Ty’s voice. He appeared behind Kammi and sat on the back part of her desk. “She’s been a real bitch to deal with lately. When I told her that if she wasn’t going to work to accommodate what you need we’d have to move her she got super pissy. She stopped staying at the house a week ago.”

“Is she staying with you?” I asked Kammi.

“Nope. Neither of us has any idea where she’s staying. Honestly, even Joe has no idea where she’s been staying. She also turned off her location on ‘Find My Friends’ after her fight with Ty. Well technically after the fight with Joe when he defended Ty.”

“I wonder why she’s getting pissed at you guys?” I hated this. I got that my life had been disrupted but seeing how everyone else’s lives were changing because of it was hard to deal with.

“Here’s what I figure,” Ty started. I could tell by his tone and body language that I should get comfortable as he was going to explain what was going on in detail. “She’s not sure how to handle what you’re dealing with. I mean how the fuck long did it take her to come to see you and Jimmy when he was in the hospital?”

“Four days,” I said. It had been four days after they landed from the East Coast before she came. Ty had made Kammi, Nick and Joe stay out of the hospital the night they got home because of how fucked up I was. They showed up about two hours after Pops woke up. Joe had made excuses every time he came that Eliza had come down with a cold and didn’t want to get Pops sick. She showed up looking like she felt great and made no mention of being sick. I’d never asked what really kept her away, I honestly didn’t want to know.

“Exactly. It took me about four minutes after I found out to get in a car and get to you. Kammi was on a plane within four hours. Then when she gets back and you declare you’re moving out of the house and not only did you move home with Jimmy but so did Harry she saw that you were in a relationship solid enough that he was willing to give up literally the best house I’ve ever lived in to move into the guest house you started living in at 16 just so he could be with you. Then when Maureen decided to retire and the board decided that I was the one that would replace her she was pissed. She ranted for like two fucking hours about how she thought that she was better suited for the job than I was, which by the way she’s fucking not. I pointed out to her that she never wanted this job.” He was right, she hadn’t. She’d told me initially she expected she’d have the job for like six months while she got settled in LA and then she’d be gone because she’d be acting and bartending. “She, of course, got fucking pissed that I pointed that out, so when she told me that she was going to focus on her ‘acting career’ I told her that the only reasonable thing I could do until she showed she was fully committed to her job was put her at the front desk because there was a crew of people who worked the desk. If she decides she’s done then I’ve got back up. It’s not like putting her on someone else’s desk. If she decides she hates it and leaves then I have to fucking rehire someone or train someone from the front desk. Which, by the way, Harry told me last night that he wanted you to hire someone that could do some of what Eliza did but more personal assistant type shit. I’ve got a few candidates from around here that I think would work. You say the word and I’ll get meetings set up.”

“What would I do without you two?” I asked. I could feel tears pricking my eyes.

“You’d be super fucking lonely,” Ty said. I laughed.

“True story,” I replied.

“We are working from your house tomorrow,” Kammi said. “I’m dragging Ty with me.” He normally stayed in the office when she came to see me during the week. It gave him a chance to do the managerial stuff he needed to do.

“Yay!” I cheered as I picked up Harold and made the cat cheer too.

“It’s mainly because I miss the cat being my roommate,” Ty tried to get out without laughing. “We can talk more about what you’d be looking for in an assistant tomorrow.”

“Okay. I’m just afraid to look for one.”

“Why?” Kammi asked.

“I don’t want Eliza to get more pissed than she already is.”

“That is not your problem to worry about,” Harry said as he slid the screen door open.

“Hey Harry,” Kammi and Ty said in unison. He came to my desk and sat on my lap.

“Hi, miss you,” he replied.

“You saw us yesterday. You’re lying that you miss us unless you’re really tired of living with Ev in The Tiny House.” Kammi had started referring to our living situation as The Tiny House, it made me laugh because while we were living in a much smaller footprint than we were before the reality was we had everything we needed and a few steps away was everything you could ever imagine in the main house. She just couldn’t understand how we were making it work. She wanted to kill Nick most days because of the whole shared room thing. It didn’t help that they also lived with Joe.

“I do miss you both. Am I allowed to work in the office with you all tomorrow?”

“Of course, Harry,” Ty answered. “Evs, if you can’t find an assistant that works for a while, Kammi and I have decided that I can come out once a week to help you make sure that your schedule is put together for the week, that all the meetings are confirmed. I can handle the extra responsibility for a while.”

“I love you both so much. I’m excited for tomorrow now,” I said. “But I’m getting the 10-minute warning for my New York meeting.”

“Enjoy that,” Kammi replied. “We will see you at 8:30 tomorrow.”

“Yay!!! Bye!!” I ended the call.

“Ty is going to help you find an assistant?” Harry asked as he went to sit down at his desk.

“He is. He’s evidently been scouting people from the pool in the office for me today.”

“So what was it about Eliza?”

“Her last day on my desk was Friday.”

“We knew that was coming.”

“We did. But Ty told me today that he told her last week that he couldn’t move her onto someone else’s desk knowing that they may have to quickly find a replacement knowing that she wasn’t fully committed to the job.”

“She’s not fully committed?” Harry asked.

“Evidently not. So she’s on the front desk.” I saw him cringe. “Exactly. It’s the worst job in the entire place. The phones ring non-stop, she won’t have a guaranteed daytime schedule anymore because everyone has to work in rotations. I fear that she’s going to fucking hate me for this because somehow it’s going to end up my fault.”

“It’s not your fault but I understand why you’re uneasy about it.” Eliza had been difficult to deal with and that was being polite. I had done so great and not flipped out on her about everything, but I knew that if she said anything about her new job that was even remotely negative that it was a risk. I got it, my life and job changing was causing her job to change. I wanted to scream when she’d complain about that. I didn’t ask for this change in my life. I’d go back to being a workaholic in a heartbeat to change the fact that my Pops had a heart attack. She was being selfish, which wasn’t totally abnormal, but was pretty shocking considering everything that had happened.

“I just hate when there are problems. If there’s an issue between two people in The Circus it makes everything awkward and weird. We had this problem once before.”

“What happened then?” Harry asked.

“Weirdly enough it was Eliza and Nick. He made an admittedly funny but very bad joke when we were all drinking at the condo one night. She’d been on a bender and had a different guy come home with her every night for like 10 days. She got pissed and didn’t talk to him for almost a month.”

“Ouch. What do you mean bender? Like drugs or drinking or just men?”

“Honestly, I don’t even know. I tried not to ask because I was worried about her but knew that if I made any comments she’d do the same thing to me that she was to Nick. She’d broken up with some guy that she thought was the one, they’d been dating for maybe three or four months but she is often times crazy when she’s in relationships. There was so much tension among the whole group. It just sucked.”

“I’m sure everything will work out in the end.” Harry was attempting to calm me knowing I was about to get on another conference call. He stood from his side of the desk and came over to me. He bent down and gently kissed my lips. “Whatever happens remember that I love you.”

“I love you too.” One more kiss and he headed back to his side of the desk and slid on headphones knowing that my conference call would likely bore him to death. Everything went well and was over in less time than I expected. I kept working until Harry decided we needed to leave for his lunch meeting. It was an incredibly nice day in LA so when I made it up to the driveway with my stuff I found him sitting in my Jeep with the top off. He had sunglasses on and his goofy smile plastered across his face. I threw my bag into the back and climbed up into the passenger seat. “If I didn’t know better I’d think you were this born and bred California surfer in this thing. Tan skin, wayfarers, and a floral shirt. You look just like the boys I brought home from the beach in high school.” He laughed loudly at the last comment.

“I’m sure I do. It’s easy to get a tan like this if you leave your office for more than a short walk to the house or gym every day.”

“Shut up. Not all of us have time to lay around in the pool or run shirtless on the horse trail.”

“You could have time, you can take a break every once in a while.”

“I know. We both also know that I’m not very good at taking breaks. I took time when Pops was in the hospital, I can’t now. Too much work to do.” He reached his hand across the car and grabbed mine. Our fingers interlocked as he brought it to his lips kissing the back of it. His rings felt cool against the inside of my fingers. After his lips left my hand he returned it to my lap so he could focus on driving. He expertly navigated his way through the area my father lived into the restaurant that his lunch meeting was at.

I zoned out easily these days. It didn’t matter if I was alone or with a group of people my mind would wander and I’d lose track of everything else happening around me. This happened most frequently in a car, thankfully it was usually only when I wasn’t driving, though that had happened once. I got home and sat in the driveway sobbing until Harry came out to find me and asked what was wrong. I was terrified that I’d driven from an appointment across town to the house and had no idea how long it had taken or how I’d gotten home. That was the first week we’d been living here. I hadn’t driven much since then. Harry or Sam took me everywhere. It was odd. I missed driving. I missed the freedom of being in a car alone but I understood why Harry had decided to hide every set of car keys to every car that either of us or my Pops owned. This ride was like the rest. I stared blankly at the scenery and watched the world fly by. I could hear Harry singing along to the radio but couldn’t pinpoint the song which was rare.

“Evie…Ev…Everlee Mae Scarcello.” Harry snapped in front of my eyes breaking me of the trance. “Where were you at babe?”

“Sorry,” I replied.

“Don’t apologize. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just a long day and I’m a little overwhelmed right now.”

“Call Ty and have him cancel your afternoon,” he suggested. I’d been up late the night before working as I had been most nights. I was often lucky if I got more than a handful of hours of sleep at a time. I hadn’t slept a full night since I’d been in France with Harry for the final time.

“I can’t do that.”

“Then I will.” He grabbed his phone from where he usually threw it into a cupholder and I watched as he hit Ty’s entry in his favorites. They’d been communicating so frequently that I was pretty sure he’d rearranged it so Ty was the easiest entry to click.

“You can’t do that,” I protested.

“I can and I am.”

“Harry this is my work and my life. You can’t do this.” He glared at me and I quieted. He could do this. Cameron and Jimmy had given him this power when they all realized that I was struggling. He did it often which had initially pissed me off. “Hey Ty,”I heard him say. He grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together. “Yeah, we just got the restaurant. She’s out of it. Can you reschedule her afternoon?” His thumb rubbed across the back of my hand as he listened to Ty. “I’ll let you know later today how she’s doing for tomorrow. I need to get her to take the sleeping pills her doctor gave her so she can sleep. Her day tomorrow is just you and Kammi here, right?” I don’t know how I got so lucky to have Harry in my life. I was an absolute fucking mess most of the time and he was doing everything he could to help me navigate through and survive it. “Okay, I’ll talk to you later and see you in the morning.” He hung up the phone and I turned to look at him. “Ty canceled the rest of the day. When we’re done we are going to go do something to help you relax a little.”

“Okay,” I responded quietly. I held his hand once out of the car as we walked into the restaurant. I tried to put on my best happy face and not appear like the fragile shell of a human I was right now. He’d been delaying this album for too long all because of me. I felt immensely guilty and was pretty sure that his team hated me for it at this point.

“Hey Ev,” Mitch greeted as he hugged me.

“Hey, how are you?” I asked.

“I’m good. We are all happy you could make it.” He and Harry had instantly bonded when they met in spring. He was a great guy and an incredible musician. I’d really enjoyed watching them form this really amazing musical bond. They often sat with drinks on the deck at Pops house with guitars, notebooks, and a laptop. I’d sit in my office working, with the door open, listening to them and the sound of Harry’s voice as it drifted into the room. I’d hold off as long as I could before grabbing my laptop of iPad to go sit with them and listen. More than once I’d found Pops out there with them.

The lunch meeting was great. Harry was getting so excited for them to take off to Jamaica. I tried to stay out of their plans for that. I knew that the teams were anxious to leave and that having to put off the trip more than once was inconvenient, to say the least. But they all had been the kindest people through the process. Hell, the first week we’d been living with Pops after he’d been released from the hospital Jeff, Alex, and Tyler showed up at the house with the most amazing spread of food and tried to help us all relax. My father was really enjoying the amount of life that everyone brought to his house, despite the heart attack and everything that had happened he seemed to be the happiest I’d seen him in years.

“Are you going to come with us for a while?” Jeff asked. I snapped out of my wandering thoughts when I realized he was talking to me.

“I don’t know. Right now is a difficult time for me to leave. I have so much work right now that I will probably remain attached to a laptop for the next 12 months solid. You’ll have to keep this guy in line for me,” I said as I squeezed Harry’s shoulder with my hand. He bent his head to the side kissing my fingers.

“I hope she can make it for at least a visit or two while we are gone,” he added. He had really been trying to convince me that I could come with. That working remotely was possible because I’d been doing it from my laptop at the house for the last six weeks. He knew that it wasn’t just about work, it was about leaving Pops. They’d be gone for a minimum of a month but likely 6-8 weeks if things were going well and they wanted a bit more time. Leaving home for that long seemed terrifying. What if Pops got sick again and I was gone? What if he needed me? What if he got lonely? As if he knew I was thinking about him I saw my phone light up on the table with a text from him.

Message with Pops

Pops: Are you done working for the day? I stopped in your office and you weren’t there?

I’m at lunch with Harry, Jeff, Tyler, Alex, and Mitch.

Pops: Ahh the boys club. You always did tend to fit into those groups.

As I sit here listening to them I feel like I’m in a parallel universe. This is what life would’ve been like if I hadn’t quit Designated Hitter and hadn’t forced Kyle to start drumming in that band and sent him on tour.

Pops: Oh god. That would’ve been pretty terrifying. Okay…what I was actually texting you about. I just got off the phone with Cynthia. She and your sisters are coming over for dinner tonight. Evidently you girls need to get to work on planning a baby shower.

Shit. I forgot I was supposed to call Kayci to set up lunch this week. I’m the worst sister ever. Fuck. Do you need me to pick something up?

Pops: Nope. Linda has everything covered. You’re also not the worst sister ever. You’re busy, they get it. Just prepare Harry. He usually seems a bit overwhelmed when you five women are all in a room together. Oh and Kourt is bringing her new boyfriend. Though Cynthia tells me that Kayci is pissed about that because her boyfriend just broke up with her? I can’t keep up with all of you. Rachel has at least had the same guy since she was 6.

It’s because she’s weird. Kayci and Dylan did break up over the weekend. How did you not miss her sobs? She sent out the Bat signal to the sisters and everyone arrived at the house at about 12:30 Friday night. I felt bad for Rach and Harry. We all ended up a bit drunk, well except Rachel because well pregnant. Harry I think slept in my office most of the night. Rachel slept on the couch, Kourtney passed out in a lounger on the deck and we found Kayci on the floor of the bathroom using a towel as a blanket. It was a mess.

Pops: I did wonder why they were there Saturday morning and why Kayci didn’t leave until Sunday night. You’re a good big sister.

I try and because I’m the one willing to drink with her and because Kourtney likes to lecture her for smoking pot. I, of course, can’t.

Pops: You’re still a good sister. Your three sisters and three brothers are lucky to have you. Speaking of sisters…Kayci just walked in looking for you. She said she’ll be waiting in the pool. I think she hates her roommates and this is just an excuse. Now stop paying attention to me and participate in your meeting. You worry that Brit when you zone out.

I know. It happened on the way here again. I swear he’s never going to let me drive a car again because I can’t be in one right now without having any clue what is going on. Also, Kayci does hate her roommates, with a passion. I’m surprised she hasn’t moved into the other guest house or back into her old bedroom. Okay…okay, back to work. I’ll see you both when we get home.

“What was that?” Harry whispered to me.

“Pops. Evidently, Cynthia and the girls are coming over for dinner. I flaked on my sister duties and didn’t text the girls about setting up a lunch to plan Rachel’s baby shower.”

“Shit. You were supposed to call them this morning.”

“I know. So be prepared, dinner with my family tonight.”

“Good, you know I love them. And you. Mostly you.” He kissed me quickly before falling right back into the conversation with everyone at the table.

Message with Kayci Grant

You okay, sis?

Kayci: I’m fine. My roommates are annoying. And fucking Dylan called me drunk last night.

Please tell me you didn’t invite him over.

Kayci: I didn’t. I’m not THAT fucking dumb. He was trying to apologize but I knew that he didn’t mean it. He was drunk. He just wanted to get laid. I kept telling myself what you and Rachel told me Friday night. He doesn’t deserve me. I deserve so much better than him and someday I’m going to find my person and it’s not Dylan.

Definitely NOT Dylan. No one that cheats on you deserves a second chance. You are a first class, five star, James Beard award-winning, four months to get a Monday night reservation level catch. He doesn’t even deserve to be handed out through a fucking drive-thru.

Kayci: You are the best. Also now I’m hungry. Tell the Brit to hurry up the fucking meeting and get you home.

I’ll do my best but he’s currently in the process of planning a trip to leave me and record an album so I’m feeling a little woe is me.

Kayci: If you need a roommate while he’s gone I can come live with you and Harold.

Oh, I know you would. We will be home soon. I’ll text when we are on our way.

I slipped my phone into my purse and tried to focus back in on the conversation. They settled on dates to head to Jamaica for the third time since starting this process and we were back in the car headed home. Harry was always so talkative when we left. He loved the guys that were part of this team. It was like a dream for him. They supported every, single, idea and decision he had. He’d lay in bed at night gushing to me about how amazing they were making work. I loved listening to him ramble on and on and on about how different this experience was already from everything else he’d experienced and they hadn’t even taken off for the bulk of their recording.

“So I have to warn you, Kayci is at the house already.”

“Good, there’s no way you can go back to work if she’s there.”

“I know. I’m honestly surprised that she hasn’t asked Pops if she can move back into her old room. She hates her roommates. She can afford to live without them but they were her best friends when she was in school. They are all still in school and she’s working so life is different for them.”

“Also when you consider that working for your sister is essentially playing dress up, at least how the roommates view it, they seem pretty judgmental.” The twins had turned 22 three weeks ago. Harry had drug me out of the house to spend time with them while they celebrated. It was the first time I’d met Kourtney’s boyfriend Max and the first time Harry had really met anyone outside of the twins, Rachel and Luke. Her roommates had been a nightmare. They did judge Kayci. She’d met them when she was a student, she had decided to take some time off from college after her freshman year because she was offered a fairly large modeling contract and had started working on her music. They hated that. They were all still struggling through their senior year and hoping to get into grad school or law school and here was Kayci getting paid to fly around and put on expensive clothes. They were bitter and jealous.

Kourtney had opted to get her own place when they went to school. She lived in a super cute studio in West Hollywood so it wasn’t like her sister could move in with her. I had suggested that she move back home with Cynthia but it was not an option for Kayci. When it was just she and her Mom they argued constantly. They were so much alike. Their arguments were ridiculous and often that they agreed with each other and hated it. She also had been with Dylan for almost a year so she barely stayed with her roommates until the last month or so when he had started making excuses that she couldn’t be there which turned out to be because he was cheating on her. I knew if she asked that Jimmy would give her the final guest house or even let her have her old bedroom back. The house was big enough that it was one of the few times growing up that the twins hadn’t been forced to share a bedroom.

“Yeah, it’s a bad situation for her.”

“I’ve thought about telling her to just move into the house until we get back but the idea of having she, Eliza, and Ty alone there is a little unsettling.”

“Eliza isn’t staying at the house.”

“Where is she staying?”

“I don’t know. Actually, no one does.”

“Do you have any ideas?” he asked. He was concerned, I could tell. Despite how things had been going lately we all still cared about Eliza, though I’m sure she’d say we didn’t.

“No idea, honestly. Maybe an ex, maybe someone she worked with when she was bartending, a friend from one of her acting classes, or some new guy. She also could be staying in a hotel for all I know. She and Ty got into a fight and he’s not seen her since other than work and there she’s essentially ignoring him.”

“What is all of this about?”

“Her demotion.” And again the wave of guilt washed over me. Eliza had been my best friend since she was about five hours old. I hadn’t had a pleasant conversation with her in weeks.

“This isn’t your fault. I know you’re internalizing a lot of blame. Stop doing that.”

“I’d like to point out that I hate that you can read my mind,” I replied turning to face him in the car and smiling a bit. “It’s annoying because when I’m trying to have will power you make me fail.”

“I personally love that it’s my newest superpower. So how can I help you with not blaming yourself?”

“I don’t know.” I didn’t honestly have a clue. “I want to fix everything but that’s what I’ve always done. Eliza and I have always been close but we’ve also always fought. She has a wicked jealous streak and can be incredibly vindictive when she wants. At this point, I’m sure she’s jealous that everyone’s focus has been me because it was my Pops that almost died. She doesn’t like when the spotlight isn’t on her.”

“I’m sorry, Evie. You don’t deserve this extra stress. She also should know that she needs to be a better friend but I’m beginning to see that she isn’t really capable of that. I hate saying that because I know how much she means to you but you deserve better than to be treated like this.”

“You’re right. I don’t deserve this. But honestly, there’s not much I can do about it right now. I am just going to give her the space she so clearly needs and keep plugging away at everything I’m doing to make life better for me, for us, and for my family.” He squeezed my hand in his.

“I’m proud of you for how strong you’ve been through all of this. It hasn’t been easy to watch your Pops go through everything and you’ve been the most incredible daughter through it all. If we’re being honest, I don’t even completely mind that we gave up our dream house in the hills to live in a guest house. Getting to build a relationship like I have with your Pops has been pretty great.”

“I love you. Honestly, I don’t deserve you.”

“Yes, you do.” He plugged in the code to the gate and pulled to where we left my Jeep in the driveway which was next to where Kayci’s Mercedes was sitting. We got out and started to walk to the back. “I’m gonna let you have some time alone with your sister. Okay?” I nodded before he kissed me and walked towards our guest house.

“Kayci,” I called as I walked towards the pool. I found her on a raft, her foot anchoring her to the side where a beer sat on the edge. She was staring at her phone.

“Hey sis,” she called back.

“Drinking already?”

“I needed a beer and Pops always has my favorite here.” Her favorite was a random craft beer we’d found at a dive bar on a sister road trip that we all went on to celebrate the twins turning 21 last year and as a last hoorah of the four sisters all being “single” or at least as single as the four of us could all be at once. The bar had told us where we could find this beer and Pops always kept it at the house for the random warm days that everyone ended up in his pool because he was so proud that the girliest of his girls found a beer she could drink. I, of course, would drink anything as long as it was cold.

“He does always have it. He’s a sucker for his girls.”

“He is. He looks like he’s feeling great,” she said. I sat down on the side of the pool and took a drink from her beer.

“He is. We had an appointment at his cardiologist Friday and they are really happy about his progress.”

“Is it totally weird to be the person who that stuff with him?” Kayci asked.

“Completely. Like I’m not ready to be a parent and here I am essentially parenting my parent. I’m stressed out beyond belief and work isn’t helping.”

“What’s going on with work?”

“Well, the Eliza bullshit is getting worse.”

“How so?”

“She refused to come work from here with me. Ty is in charge of all of the assistants now and he informed her that my assistant will need to be willing to work remotely from ‘The Compound’ until I return to the office.” Ty had jokingly referred to my Pops’ place as The Compound since his first visit here in high school. “So she got moved to the front reception desk until a more permanent decision could be made on a placement for her and now he and Harry are plotting to put together a job description for me that is half work assistant/half personal assistant. She and Ty got in such a blow out fight that she’s moved out of the house and none of us know where she’s staying.”

“She tends to be reactive like that. I remember when she would come out with you for spring break and shit she used to be so fucking evil to me and Kourt. I am pretty sure it’s why we were evil back. I apologize now that you were collateral damage in that whole thing.”

“I appreciate that. You were young and annoying then, I can forgive that. Now you’re just annoying.” She splashed me with water as I took another drink of her beer. I heard the door from the house open and glanced to see my father walk out and towards us.

“I saw you out here drinking your sister’s beer and thought you might prefer your own.”

“Thanks, Pops.” I took the beer from him before he sat down on a chair not far from me.

“So she’s just talking to no one?” Kayci asked. I nodded. “That’s super bitchy. I mean I have always just tolerated her because she’s one of your best friends but this is like way out of line. You have been more than fair and have given her a life that let’s face it without you she’d never be able to afford. She’s paid less for housing in your penthouse than I do for my bedroom with my shitty fucking roommates. She’s flown around the world like ten fucking times with you and gets to do some of the coolest shit. Hell, I’d kill for that job and we know that I essentially have no desire to have a real job in life because as my roommates like to say I get paid to play dress-up. She’s so far out of line that getting to keep any job is too nice.” I tried to give visual clues to Kayci to get her to shut up about it but clearly, I was failing.

“What’s out of line?” Pops asked. He knew nothing about what was going on at work. We’d all been trying to shelter him from the stress for the most part and only fill him in on the extremely important things.”

“Everything going on with Eliza,” I said.

“Oh, like how she tried to use her P Card for the Marilyn Monroe Suite at The Roosevelt?”

“She what?!” I asked.

“She still had a credit card for company expenses. She was an authorized cardholder on your account and you hadn’t answered the call, I was the second contact. I got a call from the credit card company one night for unusual charges about a week ago. They said the charge was at The Roosevelt so I called over there and talked to my contact since we often use it for client events. They sent over the security camera footage because it was on your account and I was worried your card or Eliza’s had been stolen. There she was with giant sunglasses and a headscarf trying to hide her identity checking into the Marilyn Monroe suite for an undetermined amount of time.”

“First of all, where the hell was I? Second, did you decline the charge?” I asked.

“You were busy with your sisters cooking dinner, it was Sunday. Your phone had been sitting next to mine. I didn’t want to worry you so I deleted the missed call and voicemail. I called Eliza, told her I was declining the charge and asked why she was checking in there. She lied about some bullshit. Said that a friend was coming in for a while and she wanted to have some privacy from Ty. I told her that it didn’t matter, she couldn’t use her P Card because that was theft. I told her that I wouldn’t turn her into our legal department and let her keep her job but that if she was trying to run from her problems I wouldn’t be paying for them. She made me promise not to tell her parents as she sobbed on the phone. Something is going on with that girl, she didn’t sound like herself. She sounded strung out so I changed all of the locks on the Malibu house, your penthouse, and this place the next day. It’s why you and Harry needed a new code last week. Ty changed the locks at your place so you’ll need new keys and new codes when you head home. She knows if she needs help she can come to me, I made that clear. But I also made it clear that she would no longer be living off of you if she wasn’t working for you.”

“Fuck. This is worse than I thought it was. I need to try and sit down with her, don’t I?”

“Probably at some point but give her some time. She usually figures shit out after a week or two. I mean how many times has she given you her resignation and then decided she was staying?” Pops asked.

“At least a dozen times.”

“So let’s allow this to make it one more time and give her another week before you step in. Ty and I can handle the rest of it.”

“I can’t believe you were keeping this from me,” I said as I turned to look straight into his eyes.

“You’ve been handling all of the hard stuff lately. I thought this could be my turn to handle the tough stuff. I told her that night that she sounded high and offered to send her to rehab. She denied it and hung up on me.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll try not to get involved but if she’s using I might need to step in.”

“No, you don’t. If she’s using and needs help I’ll help her or I’ll call her mother and father. It’s our jobs to be parents, not yours. You’ve been working to take care of literally everyone in your life. You need a break and a vacation.”

“I’ll second that,” Harry said as he walked up to the pool. He bent down to kiss the top of my head before going to sit beside my father. “Speaking of vacations, we settled on a schedule for recording.”

“When do you leave?” Pops asked.

“Two weeks. I’m trying to convince that daughter of yours that she’s coming with me for at least a few days in the beginning.”

“I think that sounds like a great idea,” Pops said. “How long will you be gone?”

“The plan is 4-6 weeks before heading back and finishing between here and London,” Harry excitedly answered.

“Well, if you need her father/boss’s approval you’ve got it. Take her the whole damn time for all I care. It’ll be nice to have a break from her.” I threw the lid from my bottle of beer at my Pops.

“I’ll take care of Harold,” Kayci said.

“That’s just your excuse to figure out how to move home,” Pops replied laughing. “If your living situation is really that bad you can stay here until you figure something out?”

“Are you serious?!” Kayci looked stunned. Pops didn’t joke about this kind of stuff and she knew it as well as I did.

“Of course I am. I actually talked to your mother about it yesterday. She was going to take you shopping to try and figure out what you wanted to do to that last guest suite down by Evie and Harry. If my girls need somewhere to come home to my girls have a home here.” Before he knew what was happening Kayci had jumped out of the pool and engulfed my father in a giant hug. “Welcome home, Kayc."

There was a lot in that chapter. I know it may not make the most sense but neither does anything happening in Evie’s head right now. She’s trying to navigate her relationships in this new world after her father’s heart attack. Having one of the most important relationships struggle is hard on her. I speak from experience on this. It’s part of the reason it was very important for me to tell these parts of Jimmy’s recovery and the way it has an impact on Evie’s life, not just his.

Last year as I helped my mother through the aftermath of her diagnosis my relationships struggled. My brother and I fought over everything. My sister-in-law tried to pretend as if she was willing to be there but only when her schedule wouldn’t allow it. I had friends who disappeared off of the face of the earth, one of them being one of my closest friends. She always claims that I’ll let her know when I need her. A little over a year ago as I prepared to move home with my Mom for the first time in nearly 20 years I told her that I was done coming to her and telling her when I needed help. Friends don’t have to cry out to friends. They are just there for each other. They check in. They show love. They care. It wasn’t my job to point out that my life was in shambles to everyone around me.

I wanted to show the struggles that a major life change can cause on relationships through this story. Unlike me, Evie doesn’t share any siblings with Jimmy. Eliza was the closest thing. As the struggle in their friendship imitates the real-life struggle in my friendships it became harder and harder to write. It’s part of why I needed a larger time to write this than I initially expected. It was hard to see the reality of my life played out on the pages of my fiction. But it was necessary, as your priorities in life shift so do the relationships in it.

I did find my voice again and have been working on another story that I’m unlikely to publish, at least here as Harry is not the lead male. For those curious Michael B. Jordan is. Finding my voice there helped me find my way back here. I am hopeful that chapter two won’t take nearly the amount of time that one did.

I hope you enjoyed this. Feel free to send your thoughts over. As my brain was scattered writing this I’m sure it’s not up to my normal writing standards but I would still love to hear from you.

xx AM.

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obsessivedilettante · 6 years ago

Text

Dramaland Forecast: January 2019

Previously: 2016 - 2017 - 2018

Waaahhh, it’s another year! I feel like I’ve been waiting for 2019 since, like, February, but somehow it still seemed to blindside me and I’m not ready to look ahead and make any goals or resolutions or, well, do much of anything (including watching dramas, haha).

Buuuuut I shall do my best to gather my thoughts on what this year promises us when it comes to dramaland.

Completed:

None. Again. I was even determined to try and finish up the last episodes of a couple of variety shows I’d started (NJTTW and Dancing High), but those are still sitting unwatched on my flash drive. It’s like I have a fear of completion or something. I’m determined to be better this year. 2019 is the year I actually finish dramas! Yeah!

Currently Watching:

Red Moon, Blue Sun aka Children of Nobody -- this drama is a wild ride, y’all, and you should be watching it if only to go “wtf” with me (I mean that in a good way, because the show is genuinely mysterious, and not in a “was this writer smoking crack” way -- although it might end up like the latter in a few weeks if things aren’t resolved to my satisfaction).

Miss Sherlock -- I got a couple more episodes in over the holidays when I was traveling. I’m only a few episodes from finishing the show, but apparently when I’m at home, I prefer to watch things on my laptop instead of my ipad. I need to work on that.

Dropping/skipping:

Groan. Everything, basically. I feel like 2019 is gonna be the year when I tackle my “on-hold” and “to watch” lists because there have been so many dramas in the past few years that I have genuinely wanted to watch (and finish!) but just never got around to it. I’m almost hoping the 2019 offerings are lackluster just so I can get caught up on a few things. But let’s see what’s on offer so far...

Upcoming dramas of interest:

Kingdom -- I think I’ll forever be mildly disgruntled about Netflix being one of the reasons that easy access to dramas is so fractured, but I’m hoping that their investment in this drama by one of my favorite writers will prove to be worthwhile.

Neighborhood Lawyer Jo Deul Ho Season 2 -- I’m interested in this, but I never got around to finishing the first season, so... yeah...

Liver or Die aka What’s Wrong, Poong Sang -- this looks like it could be cute! A wacky family drama with a pretty decent cast. I adore Lee Si Young, so I’m happy to see her in another drama.

The Crowned Clown aka The Man Who Became King -- this sounds like a Prisoner of Zenda type of story, which I always enjoy -- buuuuuuuut I always get a huge roadblock when it comes to historical dramas, even though they’re usually so pretty and lush. Will probably pass on a live-watch, but have a vague idea that I might one day watch it.

Spring Must Be Coming -- a body-swap starring Lee Yuri and Uhm Ji Won? Um, you’ve got my attention! My only concern is that I don’t know who the screenwriter is, so I don’t know what kind of direction this show might take, but the one teaser I’ve seen so far makes it look pretty cute.

Romance is a Supplement -- listen, I don’t hate rom-coms. I really don’t. I don’t hate Lee Jong Suk. I really don’t. But. For whatever reason, I instinctively go “nope” on this just because of that combination. Plus the writer has had some... questionable... takes on rom-com, and I don’t know if I have the patience to enjoy the cuteness and ignore whatever problematic stuff will crop up.

Touch Your Heart -- Lee Dong Wook and Yoo Inna, back together again! Tbh that’s all I really need to know, but the production team and supporting cast also make this sound pretty promising, even if the plot sounds very typical.

Haechi -- I’m happy Jung Il Woo is back, but my track record for historical dramas is truly pitiful, so l doubt I’ll watch this (especially because as much as I like Go Ara, I don’t think she’s a good fit for sageuks).

Big Issue -- this one vaguely interested me until I saw the production team, and now I’m convinced that this will likely start out pretty awesome but then turn into a confusing dumpster fire at the end.

Possessed -- a psychic and a detective solving crimes -- but without a priest? Hmm, seems suspicious. It’s OCN so it automatically has my attention, although I still want to know more. However, the cast filled with a lot of familiar supporting actors seems pretty promising, because if all those familiar ajusshis decided to add this project to their 2019 roster, then it must be at least decent.

Item -- this has an interesting premise and a really strong cast, and it’s probably the most compelling of the Jan/Feb premieres. But I’m still hesitant for reasons I can’t fully explain (or understand yet).

The Light In Your Eyes -- the ability to manipulate time sounds pretty cool, and Kim Hye Ja pretending to be a younger woman should be one heckava fun ride, but I just don’t understand the appeal of Nam Joo Hyuk in lead roles (in cute supportive roles, yes, but as a leading man? Um, no, thank you). This seems like those kind of dramas I might like in spite of the leads and would wish that it would focus more on the secondary characters.

Dear Citizens -- I’ve missed Siwon! And it sounds like this character leans on his skill as a comedic actor, so I’m tentatively excited, especially since it comes from the writer of Vampire Prosecutor 1 & 2, Bad Guys, Bad Guys: City of Evil, Police Unit 38, and Missing 9, it should also be a decent thriller/mystery, too.

Hot-blooded Priest -- lbr, the only hot-blooded priest I ever need in my life is Handsome Oppa, but apparently priests are practically de rigeur these days. I do think this could be a pretty good drama, just because I’m a fan of mysteries and police procedurals. I’d have more confidence if it were on OCN (although MBC has been impressing me lately).

Vagabond -- tbh this only caught my attention because it reunites Lee Seung Gi and Suzy. I know Gu Family Book was a hot mess, but I enjoyed it despite them being the least interesting thing in it. I don’t know that I’ll tune into their new drama, but it’ll probably get a lot of buzz and do well in the ratings just because of the cast.

Trap -- sounds like a very classic OCN drama with a strong cast. What more can a girl ask for?

When the Devil Calls Your Name -- Jung Kyung Ho making a deal with the devil, sign me up.

Legal High -- I’ve not watched any of the Japanese versions so I’m merely judging this for being a legal drama, but the fact that it’s an adaptation means there’s an extra hurdle to jump.

Aseudal Chronicles -- ...a fantasy? An actual, legit k-drama fantasy that isn’t set in the Joseon era or relying on common mythical stories?? A fantasy that is directed by one of my ultimate faves, Kim Won Suk (known for Misaeng, Signal, My Ajusshi)??? From the writers of Six Flying Dragons and Tree With Deep Roots???? Starring Song Joong Ki and Kim Ji Won???? WHAT IN THE BLESSED DRAMAVERSE HAS ALLOWED THIS TO BE??????? I don’t wanna jinx it but OMG I’m so excited and CAN’T WAIT for a premiere date to be set so I can start to count down the days.

There isn’t a lot so far that is really making me excited about the 2019 offerings yet (except for the obvious handful *cough*ASEUDAL CHRONICLES*cough*). It’s hard to make judgments about shows that are still even barely in the casting stage, and who knows what else will turn up on these forecasts over the year. But there really isn’t a January premiere that feels like a “must watch,” so maybe I’ll attempt to tackle that ginormous “to watch” list this month.

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the-prudent-student-blog · 6 years ago

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Hi, so I'm gonna seem really stupid for asking this. But how do you write your notes? When I'm in class, I'm in such a hurry to write and it comes out all sloppy and badly written. Then when I try to rewrite, idk what I'm trying to write again because it's so illegible. Do you know how I can do better?

It’s not a stupid question at all! How I write my notes is heavily dependent on the class. In math and science-heavy courses, I handwrite all of my notes, either in a notebook or on my iPad Pro. In non-math/science courses, I usually take notes on my laptop because I can type faster than I can write.

If a professor posts the PowerPoint slides online before lecture, I’ll download them on my iPad beforehand. Then, during class, I take notes directly on the slides. If a piece of information already appears on the slides, I won’t write it down a second time. Instead, I only write down information that doesn’t appear on the slides. For example, some professors will provide additional details while lecturing, show examples on the board, etc.

If a professor doesn’t post PowerPoint slides, I like to record the lectures via Notability on my iPad while handwriting notes. One of my favorite features of Notability is that, when you replay a recording, you can see exactly what you were writing down at that point in time. Consequently, if I miss any information or think I’ve written something down incorrectly, I can replay that portion of the lecture after the fact.

Ultimately, I adjust my note-taking style for each class and for each professor. Note-taking is always a form of trial-and-error. Experiment with a few different ways to take notes, and determine which one works best for you. No one method is going to work for every person!

#answered #notetaking #studyblr #how to take notes #taking notes #studying #college

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mediocrethoughts · 4 years ago

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Recalling the Past and Reading Someone’s Memories

Journal for November 12, 2020 (7:55 PM) to November 13, 2020 (5:02 PM)

I woke up at around 7:55 PM because of my alarm yesterday, November 12, 2020. I wanted to sleep some more because I felt really tired, but I needed to attend my class. When I looked in the mirror, I looked so dead with dark circles around my eyes. I was too tired to even wash my face so I just took a long sleeved shirt from the wardrobe and put it over the white shirt I was wearing yesterday before I slept. When I got accepted into the Google Meeting and when we proceeded with the class without Sir Hans asking us to open our cameras, I heaved a sigh of relief. At least I’d spare myself the embarrassment of looking so bad compared to when I was made up when we presented our reports last time.

Anyways, we continued to discuss about the Magna Carta and related it to the movie Dead Poets Society still. Along the way, it kind of still surprised me how some students weren’t able to watch it completely yet. It’s a good movie! The trick is to really try to enjoy yourself while watching the movie and just not think of it as something that you’re required to watch. That way, if you really enjoyed the movie (without the heavy feeling that you’re only watching it out of responsibility), you’d be able to easily recall scenes that you can relate to anything. Of course, going back and opening the file to properly recall the scenes you’re trying to recall helps as well.

We ended class early again! We finished Article V this time. There was actually a point in the discussion where we talked about inappropriate or immoral acts of teachers and stuff, and I wanted to input a gossip I heard from a schoolmate during my time in UP, but it seems that a lot of the other students had lots to share, so I didn’t volunteer to share (also because I’m not even sure now if it’s true or not).

I’ll just write it here! Actually, I had this professor for a law subject of mine during my first year days. He had broad forehead, which he also admits to having, but his body was lean, like you can clearly see that he has a flat tummy and probably some muscles hiding underneath the sophisticated clothes he wears. He was actually a lawyer as well as a professor there in UP before. Lots of us had crushes on him actually! He has two kids,but he seems to be separated from his wife, and what comes out from his mouth really seemed intelligent and pretty much, he was a really cool teacher.There was even one point when I thought he might’ve had his eyes on me because of an interaction once:

My friends and I were on the way out of the AS buildings when he was also on the way to the parking lot (we had to pass by the parking lot before we’re able to get out of the AS premises). As usual, I was ahead of my friends because I usually had my own world. He sort of asked us in general (if I remember correctly) where we were from. My friends answered first, and then I said I was from Yati. I think he said something along the lines of, “Oh wow! I’m from Yati as well. If you need a ride on the way home just let me know.” It was most likely a joke of course, but it got stuck in my head and my innocent (and presumptuous) mind thought of it too much.

Anyways, when I turned second year, I heard a gossip about him dating a senior of ours in the BA Psychology course. I never really knew if there was any truth to gossip, but since there’s gossip like this, there should be a little basis, right?

That story aside, after my class, I was so intent on doing something productive. I told myself, “Okay, I’ll be finishing one of my school requirements today.” However, I ended up telling myself again, “Fine! I’ll just do my school stuff after I finish this video of mine for YouTube. It only requires like 5% work left anyways.” Well, I failed because I got attached to my game again. I swear I hate myself and my addiction to games.

Around 11:30 PM, I started to get hungry. Because I was intermittent fasting, my proper feast time was supposed to be around 12:00 AM, however, since there was only a few minutes left, I decided I’d eat. Me, Nivan, and Amber went to the kitchen to look for food, and also wait for his order. Amber has been sleeping at dawn lately. I don’t know why but her yaya lets her sleep at around 5 PM in the afternoon so she wakes up at around 7 or 8 PM which means that she wouldn’t be sleepy around 10 or 11 PM which was supposed to be her sleeping time last week. I made a note to myself that I should tell the yaya to not her sleep in the afternoon tomorrow to make sure that she’ll sleep again in accordance to the Philippines’ timezone.

When the food arrived, we ate and then went back in again after. We’ve been giving Amber her YouTube videos lately (something we’re really guilty of doing), so she’s just stuck in bed with me, nursing and watching her YouTube. I started to get really sleepy, so... I fell asleep around 1:30 AM and left Amber awake watching her YouTube with Nivan. I kind of remember telling Nivan in a half asleep state to get her YouTube away from her at 2 AM even if she cries so that she’ll sleep.

I woke up at around almost 6 AM in the morning and saw that my baby was sleeping on the bed where her head was near my back. I was facing the other way, so if I didn’t wake up and move around, I probably would’ve pressed on her head. Sigh, I don’t get why Nivan still doesn’t move Amber when she’s asleep.

Anyways, I woke up wanting to work on my school stuff again, but then I saw that my Filmora app was still open. My video was still waiting for me to finish it, and so I decided I’d do it. I was recording my voice overs when when Nivan tapped my shoulders and told me that I promised him that I’d help with a video that he needed for his work. Agh! He also asked if I wanted anything to eat, which I said yes to since I have only eaten once during my eating window. So while he was away making food (or mandating ate Amy on what food to make, I’m not sure), I was editing the video he needed for his work.

By the time I finished working on his video, it was also time for an event in my game. Sigh. I got stuck playing the game again. The food that Nivan went out for earlier only arrived at around almost 9 AM (my eating window was supposed to end before 8 AM). I made a mental note to adjust my eating window again. A few minutes later, the choco chip cookies he ordered the other day arrived, so I thought I’d try some and just readjust my sleeping schedule again.

After eating, well... I sort of proceeded with finishing my video. I finally got to like 1% worth of work left, and then Amber woke up. I was also playing my game while editing the video (mostly playing the game, really), so when she woke up, I brought the iPad to the bed and played there while also talking to Amber. I was having a really bad migraine that time and I can’t seem to find my pain-killers. I was searching for it and playing (mostly playing, again) for an hour or so, until I finally found it right in front of my face... but hiding. It was underneath the laptop I was sitting in front of! When I finally took the painkiller, the pain subsided.

I swear, I hate my migraines. Whenever it’s not there, I take every moment for granted. Whenever it’s present and pounding the right side of my eyes though, I definitely can’t wait for it to be over.

Well, around 1 PM, Amber blurted out that she misses her wowo and uncle (my dad and my brother), so I decided to video call with them. It’s been a long time since we went home to my place, and we really miss them. I’ll make sure to go there with Amber next week.

It was supposed to be my sleeping time already around 2 PM, however, since I slept at 2 until almost 6 AM, I wasn’t feeling sleepy. I also didn’t have anything to do in the game, and so I decided to download the book ‘The Diary of a Young Girl’ by Anne Frank. It’s actually a book that we’re required to read for our Prof Ed 2 class, but boy when I opened it, I got really interested! Reading this book might be something I’d really enjoy, after all. It wasn’t the lengthy type every ‘chapter’, instead it was really like how diaries are supposed to be.

While reading her diary, it made me want to write on this again. So while reading her entry for July 10, 1942, I decided to spring out of bed and start writing this journal before I lose my will to get out of bed and write anything.

So far, I am not yet on the brutal or sad parts of her diary and it made me realize that this historical girl was just a normal girl before everything that happened to her happened. On her first entries, she sounds like a presumptuous teenager to me. (I can say this because I never called anybody an ‘admirer’ of mine if they were just staring at me all day, especially when I was still 13 years old. They had to tell me straight to the face that they admire me before I brand them as my admirer in my head... although I was already assuming that they were indeed admirers, I knew that I was too shy to admit it, even in my own writing. So having read that she boldly thinks they were her admirers, and also putting her really honest thoughts like disliking someone, and even describing their flaws as a person in her own diary, she was a really honest-to-oneself person. I envy her.)

I’ll continue reading the book now! I don’t think I’m gonna sleep anytime soon since I still have class at 6:00 PM so I’ll just wait for it and finish it then sleep.

I’ll write here tomorrow again!

Yours, Angel

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steamishot · 5 years ago

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Self care

we’re approaching 3.5 months of the stay at home order. cases in california are starting to spike up again, probably a surge from the protests/reopenings. seems that texas and florida are being hit hard right now. i’ve been avoiding covid news but yesterday i visited the covid subreddit, as it’s starting to seem relevant to us californians again.

i’m still trying to navigate this interesting time. as noted previously, i think i was depending too much on matt during quarantine for companionship. even though a lot of my time freed up, the amount of his free time went back to normal (it was only chill for a couple weeks after he returned from vacation). before, we wouldn’t necessarily facetime every single day, i had a busier lifestyle and social life. now, i mostly just spend time with my family and then have an occasional virtual hangout with friends.

i guess there are only a handful of people that i would actually hang out in person with. one of them is g. we made plans to go hiking last saturday and i told her i would be sleeping over. it was both of our first times hanging out with someone outside of family (and s/o’s family). the hiking trail was beautiful- i kept thinking how great of a running trail it is. we carried her dogs for the entire 5 miles though- that part was pretty tiring. i think we were both getting used to being in someone else’s presence again, and i felt like i overstayed. after the hike, we got in n out, grocery shopped, and binge watched love, victor on hulu.

on sunday, we celebrated father’s day at my brother’s house with momo paradise hot pot. it was actually pretty bomb. my SIL also bought lady m crepe cake. it was my first time trying it. it’s good, but i didn’t find it mindblowing.

S E L F C A R E

eyes: since quarantine, my right eye has been noticeably lazier. i attribute this to the fact that i’m mostly at home, and i’m mostly always looking at a screen (even when working out/running). therefore, i don’t have to use my eye muscles much. i notice that when i go outside, my eyes move way more just to be aware of surroundings. even when driving. solution: wear my glasses (blue light protection), go outside more, and do eye exercises. since wearing my glasses ~2 weeks ago, i feel much better and my eye has gotten better as well. it’s my shield.

hair: i’ve been using this 3 in 1 type of shampoo/conditioner/body wash from trader joes for the past few years. i liked it initially because it’s pretty natural, lathers well and i feel clean from it. however, i think i’ve been lacking in my hair care. i occasionally will do a hair mask, but that’s about it. i also have a balding/receding area near my hairline that i’ve neglected to take care of. i’m gonna start putting in argan oil, drinking collagen, and taking multivitamins. i also scheduled a phone appointment with a dermatologist next tuesday to ask about my balding spot.

skin: it’s been good for my skin that i don’t put make up on everyday anymore. i also work out/sweat way more now. it’s only been two months of consistent running, but i’m happy for my skin every time i’m dripping sweat. my aunt gave me shiseido products, which i’ve been now using since march- night cream and serums.

cardiac: it feels longer, but i’ve officially been running consistently for two months now! it’s easy to get comfortable running at a pace, but yesterday i pushed myself harder on the treadmill to the point where i felt slightly uncomfortable in my chest. i finally made 3 miles in under 30 min, with an average pace of 9′56″. again, this is not super accurate as it was measured on a treadmill- but i actually think i ran quicker than what was recorded. i found my old stats from 2016 on my nike run app, and i used to run at like a 14-15 mile pace LOL. i’ve done a couple outdoor runs since my last blog, which helped calibrate my watch a little, and i’ll continue to do a mixture of both indoor/outdoor. i learned that i don’t like to run where people can see me, where there are lots of cars, and where there are lots of hills lol (so that basically eliminates the area where i live). tomorrow, i’m going to go run with my childhood friend D. she just graduated from a DPT program. i always thought she was too cool for me, as she’s always been a popular/conventional person. but i’m gonna let my insecurities go. she was at one point very fit, and she still is pretty fit, so it might be a challenge for me to keep up haha.

other notes:

- i finally purchased a domain for my own website using squarespace. luckily, i have a UCLA email and was able to get 50% off an annual subscription. i questioned why i was okay with spending hours helping my friend with her business/website, and couldn’t invest the same energy into making something of my own? it’s still a work in progress, but at least it’s finally there

- i made matt buy me a kindle LOL. i haven’t used it much yet but it’s awesome to read on it versus on my ipad or laptop.

- g gifted me a tie dye kit. as a kid, i was so fascinated by tie dye and always wanted to try it. my mom got excited and went to chinatown to buy those cheap t-shirts (even though i told her not to bc the designs on them are ugly). anyway, i’m happy with how my shirt came out. my mom and grandma were more meh about their shirts.

- got free in n out twice consecutively. once this past weekend when i went with g (first window told us to pay at second window, and second window just gave us food without asking for $ so we left), and last time was just a few weeks prior when i went to UCLA with my mom to meet a fellow/clean out my desk. my order got lost and they ended up giving it to us for free. third times the charm?

- lots of friends’ birthdays this week. i couldn’t remember any of their actual birthdates, but luckily i found clues elsewhere lol. S: 6/24, BT 6/25, BW: 6/27, G: 6/28

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dbtrilogy2 · 8 years ago

Text

Strike One(16)

Carlton

I won't up early this morning to make my family breakfast. Believe it or not I'm trying here. Having both my girls upset with me is stressful plus my own son schooling me was a bit of a wake up sign.

"And the kiss up begins." Elias walks in. "Waffles huh good choice."

"Have you always been this much of a smart ass?" I put Rebecca plate on the tray with the cup of coffee and bowl of sliced pears.

"Yeah but you wouldn't know that." He smirked pouring himself a cup of juice.

"Look I get you upset or whatever but I'm still you father don't disrespect me boy."

Me being away is doing more than just having my family miss me. I'm starting to feel like a step dad. When all this album stuff is over they see it all was worth it. The long hours and all!

Before I start my way to my wife and I room my princess came down.

"Your here?"

"Yeah I live here don't I?" I pinch her cheek. Usually she would smile and blush.

"I don't know I thought you moved into your office." She walked by me.

"Ok you both need to cool it. I get it you don't like me working but I bet you do like your phones and clothes and living in this house. Someone has to pay for all of that stuff it doesn't just come for free!"

"Dad please don't try to make us look like over spoiled kids. You gave us most of this stuff we didn't ask for it." Amanda says picking at her food. "If it means you won't miss another of my shows you can have my phone and iPad....I just want my daddy back."

She pouts getting up walking off. Elias went after her leaving me alone. Taking the tray of food I go into our room seeing a empty bed.

"Yes I can meet you at my shop and we'll just work from there." Rebecca came out the closet putting on a watch. Seeing me and the food she ends the call. "What's this?"

"Breakfast. I wanted us to all eat together but the kids are in a mood." I say watching her sit in front of her make up stand thing.

"That happens when you abandon your kids for some island hoe."

"Rebecca-"

"Don't worry I'm not starting anything just stating a fact. I gotta leave but thanks for the thought...don't forget Julian first game is tonight everyone is going."

"Ok but uh I was thinking after all this album stuff is done we can go on some kind of family trip maybe Disney world or something. I wanna show you guys the benefit of all the long hours and me being absent to a few things."

"Sure Carlton I'll see you later."

She came kissing my head then strutting out. Her outfit was a little more over the top than usual but I'm sure she just wanted to look good.

Today I'm going with Robin to her first radio interview and a shoot for her album. It's all in the finale stages so soon we'll be presenting a track list to the record heads for their approval.

By the time I was leaving out I was home alone. I lock up the house and hop in my car heading for the address set in my GPS. While waiting in front of the house I sat on my Instagram. I come across a picture of my wife from this morning. I haven't really paid much attention to her post like I usually do.

@BuymyBrand:#morningthoughts people aren't like clothes you can't change them whenever you want that change has to be in them don't miss out on your own blessings being so worked up in helping someone who doesn't want that help

"Morning sunshine." She got in smiling at me. "I'm so excited for today."

"Good I'm excited for you. So today is your first radio interview then the photo shoot for the new comers magazine. After we get the ok from the label they'll get some more singles out put you on a promo tour so this is good practice." I pull off towards the radio station direction.

"Thanks for coming with me I'm shitting bricks right now! Oh and thanks to for picking me up my car should be done by tomorrow."

"It's cool."

We rode in silence for a while until reaching the station. Once inside were taken to a room where the DJ and his co host are waiting. The show will be going on live.

"Hey thanks so much for coming in today. Your song with drake is a killer we play it all the time."

Robin blushed. "All praise really goes to this guy here he made that happen and has been personally helping me become something big." She looked back smiling at me.

"Yeah I've been hearing good things about this man here!" Me and the DJ go back to the middle school days. We were science lab partners. "How you been man?"

"Pretty good just been working my ass off."

The show started and was going smooth. They asked her about how she got started what her style is what brought her to Atlanta. This simple up coming artist questions. But then it took a slight turn when the co host started question her about us.

"I know Carlton is the producer for your up coming album but it seems you guys spend more than a lot of time together."

"Well yeah Carlton is like a mentor to me he's been teaching me about the business. He's taken me under his wing in a way."

"Mmhm and how does his wife feel about all this or do you just not care and only worry about you?"

"I wouldn't know when we are together it's just about us the outside world doesn't matter. If she had a problem I'm sure he would say something."

No no no no no no.

"It's not my fault if he rather work with me than be at home with his wife. I'm not forcing him we just enjoy out late nights together."

I'm so fucked.

The co host looked back at me shaking her head. "Late nights? You don't think it might look wrong how your so comfortable keeping a husband from his family. Any self respecting woman I know doesn't spend most of her time with married men. Rather he's not stopping it you should have some respect not only yourself but for his wife right? How would you feel if you were in her shoes?"

"I guess yeah but it's clear she's not doing something right and it's keeping him out. If anything someone needs to be telling her how to keep her husband home." She laughed looking back at me. "And if it were me being that I know how to keep my man happy this wouldn't be happening."

I signal to cut the interview and walk out. This bitch is about to get us both killed! I can't blame anyone but myself for that anyway.

"Hey why did you run out like that?" Robin came out looking worried.

"Really...what the hell was that!?"

"An interview you didn't think it went good?" She acting clueless right now.

"No you basically called out my wife that shit was way beyond unnecessary."

"She asked me a question and I answered!"

"That has to be the dumbest thing you've done. I told you before we even got here not to answer question like that ones that are clearly are a win for the host but a lose for you. What makes you think you have any right to speak on me and my wife?"

"Oh cry me a fucking river that bitch does nothing but stress you out just because she knows I can take you away in a heart beat. It's not my fault I'm more enjoyable to be around."

"Don't speak on my wife ever again you not about to take anybody a god damn place and if you call her out her name again you'll be dealing with me."

This bitch is crazy. Through the rest of the day between the photo shoot and car rides I said nothing to her. There nothing to say really. I had to stop by my office since I left my laptop.

"Carlton would you stop ignoring me. You are blowing this way bigger than it is." Robin followed me to my office.

"You cloned my wife on live radio...am I suppose to just let that go?" I unlock my door walking in the room.

"So what it's not like she's gonna do anything about it."

"You are so wrong to think that." My oh so beautiful smart and understanding wife smiled walking in sitting.

"Hey baby." I sat kissing her cheek.

"Hi...Robin I wanna talk to you."

Mona

Jumping out my sleep I squint at my door. I thought I heard someone call me but-

"Mona get up!" Mom came busting in my room.

"Ma I'm sleep why you gotta come up in here with all that." I whine laying back down.

"Because I'm telling you to get up."

"It's Sunday mommy let me sleep."

"No I need you and Stanley to watch the twins today. Their both already up and we about to leave."

After she left I went back under my warm comforter. As I'm getting back into my deep sleep a cold wind hits me.

"What the hell!?"

"Curse at me again I dare you." Dad looked at me blank. "I know your mother told you to get up. If I come back in here and you not up imma pull you out the bed myself." He left leaving my door open.

Smacking my teeth I get up stomping and slam my door. It wasn't on purpose per say but hey. As I'm heading in my bathroom my bedroom door flies open scaring the shit out of me.

"You lost your mind slamming my door like that!?"

"It was on accident!"

This is why I prefer to deal with mom she's more laid back and not as crazy as daddy. He is not afraid to get at us while mom would rather give a look and send us to our room or something. I know I get away with a lot with mom and try not to take advantage of that.

He looked at clenching his jaw. "Keep the damn door open and hurry up."

I shower and get dressed in something lazy. I could hear the twins already.

"Morning." Stanley smiled flipping her pancake. "I made oatmeal for them so can you feed one and I'll get the other."

I sigh picking up a bowl sitting in front of Morgan. "Open up runt." She smiled dropping her mouth.

"So what did you do last night."

"Nothing much. How was the celebration dinner?"

"Well it turned into something else for me and Julian. He called it a practice date."

"Oh ok grown self."

I think Julian and Stanley would be the cutest couple. She deserves that boyfriend privilege. Gifts for no reason being showered with compliments and kisses. Oh and can't forget that tingling feeling of your special someone calling you baby. It's simple but from the right person sounds like the greatest thing ever.

That's how things were when Sam and I were together. I remember the first time we kissed. It was at the junior high summer dance. We snuck off to the empty hallway. He put my back to the wall looked deep in my eyes giving my stomach butterflies. That was the best night of my life. I thought we would last for years honestly but sometime after we got to high school I didn't feel the spark anymore. Shawn gives me that spark and this rush feeling.

"We ate at this pizza place it was just us and the people that worked there. It was really nice." I noticed her blush. "After we got ice cream then he dropped me off."

"Did he kiss you?"

"No we decided to save that. I think I'm starting to really like him...it's kind of scary."

"Awwwww."

Laughing we finish feeding the girls. We cleaned them up and decided to walk to the park. We ran around the small playground until they found their own little friends. Sitting on a bench I pull out my phone.

Danger💉♥️:baby where u at I wanna see you

Me:the park around my neighborhood but don't be to noticeable I'm with my sisters

Danger💉♥️:yea yea I do what I want girl

"I saw you sneaking in last night."

"What?"

"Around one I got up to get some water and I heard something in your room and peaked. I saw you climb through the window. Why did you lie to me?"

Sighing I lock my phone. "Because what I do is my business. If you knew I wasn't actually home-"

"I wanted to see if you would lie to me." She looked at me sad. "All I'm trying to do is protect you Mona please...this can only end wrong."

"I don't need to be protected I'm not a child! Shawn makes me happy why isn't that enough!"

"Because this whole relationship is illegal! You are fourteen a minor in the eyes of the law if anyone gets wind of this Shawn is going to prison. How can you be with someone investing so much of your time and emotions knowing at any moment the could be taken away from you!?"

"You should be asking yourself that honey."

I didn't want to do this I really didn't. Stanley and I are closer than blood sisters. But she's over stepping her place and clearly I need to push her back.

"What are you talking about?"

"You and Julian...I'm sure the adoption people frown on in family relationships with kids they send into families."

She pouts looking at me shaking her head. "You know I'm even in a relationship with him."

"And yet you two just went on a date?"

"So that's how far your willing to go with this?"

"All I'm saying is you rat me out I rat you out and we both lose something important. Me a boyfriend and you a family."

It may have been a little harsh on my end....ok it was really harsh but she should've stayed out my business.

"Fine Mona you won I'll back off...for good."

As my phone vibrates in my hand she walked off with the diaper backpack calling the girls. Seeing his text I smiled looking around until I spot his car.

"Hey sexy get on in here." Shawn bites his lip as I slide in his car. "Where you wanna go?"

"Where you want baby."

Nodding he pressed on his gas making the car roar. As he's pulling up to the park exit Stanley walks across with the twins in the double stroller.

"Isn't that your sister? Damn she got ass."

"Shawn what the hell I'm right here you dick!" I shove him as he chuckled.

"Man be quiet. She got more ass than you."

"Seriously Shawn shut up that's my sister I'm your girlfriend that's some disrespectful shit!"

"Who told you that Mona I have a girlfriend already."

#Lil Fizz #kayla phillips #malutrevejo #officialreine #fanfiction #fanfic #fiction #chris brown fanfic #chris brown fanfiction #andele lara

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one-shot-wonderland-blog · 8 years ago

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Devil's Choir Chapter 1: My desire

As always, I felt the sting of guilt seep through my body. My chest rose and lowered, in a slow, rhythmic motion. It hurt all over. The pang of letting almost one million people down. I heard my brother call out. “Yeah?” “I’m going to work, I’ll be back in about four hours for dinner.” “Alright, love you,” I yelled back. I then heard the door slam shut, echoing through the house and the dead bolts clicking closed, ceased to exist. The pain in my chest didn’t go away; I tried to think of happier times, but all that managed to escape were the short, bled out memories of my old childhood friend, Andy. I was a freshman in highschool, just trying to get through the most scariest part of my highschool career, and he was a senior, not giving a single care about anything. He kept saying he was going to move, I never actually believed him. He was my best, and only friend. Without realizing, tears soaked my cheeks. I slowly got up from my beige carpeted room and staggered to the bathroom across the hall. I sat on the toilet and reached to my side to pull my makeup bag from the drawer. I pulled my blade from the secret zipper at the bottom and angled it purposely so it would gleam from the light. I hesitated, but not long enough to actually think about what I was doing. My heart began to race. Pulling back and forth. I brought the blade down to my wrist. Very lightly, I slide it across. Not enough to do any damage, but still enough to bring that bright red liquid to see daylight. Tears started to cease as I panted. The walls seemed to become larger. Everything was slowed down. Seconds seem like minutes. Minutes seem like hours. I decide keeping this up wouldn’t be a good idea. I put the blade back in my bag, not taking the time to put it in the secret sleeve. I leaned over to put my bleeding arm over the sink but failed to while sitting down, so I stood up and ran boiling hot water over the open flesh. The sting of pain came back, now I can say it hurt me to leave my fans. I kept my arm under the water until it ran clear, I then proceeded to bend over the toilet. Lifting the lid up and staring into the clear water, I looked at my traumatized hand and shoved my index and middle finger deep in my throat. Gagging and throwing up the contents of my breakfast. I sat still, looking at the mess I’ve made, until I stood up suddenly and flushed the evidence down. ‘If I get caught,’ I thought to myself. ‘I’ll be in that hellhole for six months.’ I shuttered at the thought and went back to my room. I sat down at my camcorder and stared into space, thinking of all the crap I’ve been through. I laid down on my side as my dog, Batman, came in the room. I sat back up, so he couldn’t like my face off. I started to think of ways to lie to everyone, just to let them know I’m okay, but not telling them that I tried to kill myself. I sighed in frustration and tried to get my bearings back. I’m finally going to tell them. Then, why is it so hard just to get my head on right. I straightened my clothes, though there was no point to it. Just baggy sweatpants and a plain white shirt. I decided to wait to make the coming out video. I started the camera and went into a joking mood. I tried my best to hide my feelings all throughout the video. “Is this thing even on?” I started. “I swear to god, if it’s not recording, I’m gonna. . . do something, that I will most likely regret. “Alright, I think, the camera’s on. Okay, then, umn, sorry. I dunno if that’s going to be enough, but I’m just really sorry, guys. It’s been three weeks without a video and I don’t think any one will ever understand, how much I hated it. The sanitary smell every day in and day out, the sounds of moans and screams and deaths. “Any way, I think, I should, um, explain.” ‘I’d already gotten myself into this,’ I thought. ‘Might as well go all the way.’ “I’ve been sick, like, deadly sick. I’ve had pneumonia, which is okay, only mildly deadly. Then, I went to get my prescription and took it, I got this funny feeling, not the kind when you hit your elbow or see a clown. “ Oh, and what is going on this all these ‘clown sightings.’ Like what? “Sorry, off track, but I took my medicine, then a few days after taking it, I like, could not breathe. So, I went back to the doctors and they were freaking out, and no one had told me what was happening to me, so I was freaking out myself. Soon enough, though, one of the nurses told me to go to a proper hospital, and I was just like: “ ‘Wait,’ “ my costumed self said. “ ‘ Why? What’s wrong with me? Am I going to die? . . . Answers. I need answer.’ “Then she was like: “ ‘ Well, ‘ “ I began in my nurse costume. “Ma’am, you’re slightly dying.’ “What the hell!? She outright told me that I was dying. I kid you not. This lady, should not be working as a nurse. Who in their right mind would tell someone that they’re dying. “So, I went to the hospital, and the real doctors were calm and asked a crap ton of questions, but they got it done. “The only bad thing, was the person I had to share the room with. I kid you not, he would say with every breath, ‘Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.’ I’m serious, he would not shut up. If you guys are ever in the hospital, I’m mean, I hope you don’t,” I laughed. “But, um,” I coughed, making people think I didn’t make that mistake. “If you ever share a room in a hospital, please keep your pain to yourself. Please, and thank you. “Any ways, I think I’ve bantered enough,” I started closing. “ If you did enjoy me talking to a camera, then please press that like button, not the thumbs down. I know, the thumbs up and thumbs down are very similar, trust me I’ve gotten them mixed up as well. It’s the one that looks like this,” I gave my camera a double thumbs up. “ If you’re new to my channel, please punch that subscribe button in the face, and I will also link all my social medias in the description. Goodbye, my bunnies. Yes, I just changed your names, again. Bye!” My throat was killing me at this point. I looked at my camera, twelve minutes. ‘I have some major editing to do,’ I thought. I groaned and went to the kitchen to grab one of my smoothies. My special smoothies are supposed to clean out my body, my insane mother wants me to get rid of all the junk that the hospital put into my system, although it’s been two days since I got discharged. I will never understand the motives of my mom. I went back to my room. Batman had fallen asleep on my bed and I flopped down, scaring the living crap out of him. “Uugh, what’s up pup? Huh?” I started forcefully rubbing the sides of his face, so his ears flopped together. He sighed and looked at me like I had done him wrong. “I know, it’s so hard being a dog. Laying around the house, letting others just love you all the time, letting others feed and play with you. Life is just so hard for a Batman,” Sarcastically letting out a sigh. I rolled over onto my back and let out a non sarcastic sigh. Hoping that sleep would come over me as easily as it does when it’s night time. Starring out in the distance in my Motionless in White poster, Chris’s eyes seemingly watching every movement I make. I wish I was going on Warped, but I missed the deadline to call back and make it sure that I was going, but I was going in the hospital when they called. I wonder if they would still accept me if I call back now, but Warped Tour starts in two days. They wouldn’t even think about letting me go with them, I’m pretty sure that My Digital Escape is going, I’m not sure, should I do it? I sighed again and picked up my phone. I scrolled through my recent phoning. I hesitated in redialing the number. ‘Should I do this? . . . Screw it, I’m doing it.’ I pressed the redial number, and was put on with an actual human being. “Hello, this is Vans corporation, how may I help you.” “Oh, um, yeah,” I said, startled. “ I got a call about a couple of days ago, asking about if I wanted to go on Warped Tour as a Youtuber? I was wondering if that spot was still opened?” “What’s the name of your channel?” the lady asked. “It’s Annieishere, all one word.” “Yes, we were waiting for your call back, the spot is still open, would you like to go on?” “Um, yeah, that’d be amazing,” my voice took on surprise. “Alright, I’ll let the Mr. Doren know. Thank you.” “No, thank you,” I told her. We hung up to each other. ‘Wow, I’m actually going on Warped, I never thought that would happen.’ I closed my eyes and soon enough, sleep overtook my body. I woke up to shouting. My mom and brother, Chase, were both home, which only meant one thing. They were fighting again. I sighed in frustration. They were shouting about something, but I didn’t care, I wanted to go home. My home, not this place with a reincarnation of a she-devil. I stomped my way downstairs, making it clear I wasn’t in the mood to talk. “See,” Chase yelled. “You woke her up. She doesn’t need to be here. She’s fully capable of taking care of herself.” I ignored their conversation, grunting at both of them as I passed the kitchen door. I grabbed my laptop and iPad from the living room and snatched my iPod from the electronics shelf opposite from where the two of them were fighting. I went back up to my room to pack and go home. It was clear Chase was fed up with me, and mom only wanted me here to buy me my love back. I heard a soft knock on my door but ignored it, ‘cause it could only be one of two people in the house. The door opened and Chase came in. “Hey, A-day.” Calling me by my nickname, always results in bad news. “What?” I groaned. “It’s not like we don’t want you here,” he started. “But-” “Listen,” I cut him off. “Don’t lie to me, you know I don’t like people who hide stuff from me. Chase, don’t pretend like you want me here, you two are only in LA, ‘cause you don’t want me to try to kill myself again. Most importantly, I don’t even want to be here in the first place, so you’re going to get what you want any way, because there is no way in hell, that I am ever going to listen to you and mom bicker all the time. I spent eighteen years of my life to that, and now that I’m away, I want to stay away. I’m sorry, if this hurts your precious little ego, but you’re not that special anymore,” I finished as I zipped up the last of my suitcase. “I’m packed, so you don’t have to ever see me anymore. Bye, Chase.” He was flustered. No words came out of his mouth, so, I took it as an invitation to leave. “You know,” he started. “What?” I snapped. “If anyone has an ego, it’s you.” “Excuse me,” I gritted my teeth. “Yeah, Miss. Annieishere, who has the biggest ego out of all? You do. Don’t deny it, you know you do. So don’t come over to me to yell at, yelled at yourself. You are the reason this family is such a wreck, and you know it. You’re just in your own little world, where everything is just absolutely freaking perfect. It must be nice, having everything you’ve ever wanted. Getting all you’ve ever wanted and you don’t have to lift a finger. You know what-” “No I don’t know what? You do know who the hell you’re talking to, right? You are so high strung aren’t you? And I’d like to point out, you are the one who walked into my room, so if anyone should have any say in any matter, it should be me. My room, my rules. Got it? Yeah, I get days off work, don’t know if you know what that actually means, considering you haven’t been able to hold one down for more than a week. You don’t even know what is means to be stressed out. You’re the only one who gets everything, mama’s boy. Yes, I do think I’m the one who broke our family. No, I don’t have it perfect. No, I don’t have everything I want. Yes, I think I’m a screw up, who doesn’t deserve a goddamn thing in my life,” my breathing got slow, I can’t breathe. My chest hurt. Why does it hurt? What’s going on? I don’t understand. “You little bi-, Annie? Annie? Are you okay? What’s going on? Is everything alright?” his voice went from gravel to butter. “Can’t. . . breathe. . . .” “ Where’s your inhaler? Bathroom?” I nodded, that’s where it should be. Everything started growing dimmer. I knelt to the ground, using my fingers almost like claws and scraped my face with my nails. What seemed like hours, Chase came back with my spare inhaler. I used it and sat there panting, and soon tears streaked my cheeks. Chase lifted my head to see if I was okay, and let out a sigh of relief. “Don’t scare me like that,” his serious tone, making the room’s tension rise. “Sorry,” I sobbed out. “Don’t be sorry, you can’t help your anxiety attacks. You just need-” “No,” I cried. “I’m sorry for screwing this family up. You’re right, it’s all my fault.” “No, you’re not,” he apologized. “I was mad, I’m still kinda getting used to having you back in my life. I’ve gone over five years with without you. You’re what kept me sane in jail.” “That’s why you beat the crap out of me and mom?” “You know the real reason. I’m sorry, and I know I say that every time, but you won’t ever understand how much I regret those things. The things I did to you, to mom, to everybody I’ve hurt,” he began crying with me. I turned around to face him and pulled him into a hug. The most loving thing he’s done to me, throughout my eighteen years of living with him. We sat there in the middle of my room for a good hour, before mom came in half drunk, half high, and told us to get dinner on. I told Chase that I’ll stay for dinner, but have to go home after. We both did the preparing, mom coming in the kitchen to check on us, with a white piece of rolled up paper stuck hanging outside her nose. We chopped bell peppers of all colours and put the rice in the cooker. The chicken was on the stove and we put all the peppers in, along with a lot of other things that I can’t quite remember. We got mom upstairs while she was still able to stand, and had dinner together before I left. Chase sat next to me, his eyes red from cutting up the onions, and of course mom at the head with me on her left. Chase leaned over to whisper in my ear, “Sorry mom isn’t sober.” I giggled and whispered back, “It’s okay, I’m used to it.” He smiled. After dinner, mom passed out on the loveseat, and Chase helped me put all my bags in the car and dropped me off at my apartment. I always remember my apartment number, 69, yes, and I know what you’re thinking, and yes, that is how I remember it. We each carried half of my stuff, which was all of about five bags. We chatted about what’s been up since last we met. He’s been seeing this girl, but she has something that he doesn’t particularly like, though he won’t tell me what that something is. He dropped my stuff at the entrance to my bedroom and said he had to make sure mom didn’t suffocate. I was left all alone in the tiny two bedroom apartment, besides my cat. Spider and Batman are mine, I love them. I wish I was a pet, then I wouldn’t have to worry about work. ‘Crap,’ I thought. ‘I have work tomorrow.’ I let out a grunt of disapproval and let myself flop on my bed, allowing my body to bounce from the ricochet. Not even bothering to take my clothes off I crawled under my sheet and snuggled up to my pillow with the face of Tom Hiddleston and started drifting off to sleep.

#black veil brides #andy biersack #ashely purdy #jinxx bvb #jake pitts #christian coma #music #writers #writing #fanfic

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profoundgardenertree-blog · 7 years ago

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"How much does a follicle study ultrasound cost without insurance?

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