#gonna fight for my life to make this years birthday Not horrible but like idk. turning 20 feels like a lot JFKDND

[thekidsarentalright]

fucking wild that im turning 20 next month like in my head im still 16 how am i about to be in my 20s. time and getting older are so evil

[innocencelives]

sort of an eventful few days. my hobbies are slowwwwwly slowwwwwwwwly starting to support me financially. well, all i need it to do is to make up the difference between my disability and an actually livable amount of money. and so far ive halved the amount of money i take from my savings every month. i celebrated christmas for the first time with some very close friends who i cherish deeply, they even made me latkes! its crazy to think, its been 5 years since ive honestly celebrated any holiday, since i left my family i havent celebrated anything bc im always by myself. even birthdays i spent alone for those years, but all of the sudden i have friends who love me. ok so the difficult things. i was scammed, and this has happened an uncomfortable amount of times in my life it makes me feel so embarassed. idk maybe im gullible or too trusting. makes me think about trauma, that im just obediant. but everyone makes mistakes. i got into a fight with a friend and im noticing this deja vu pattern of me letting friends treat me like shit, and im really trying to stand up for myself. last night i had a really hard night, idk what made me do this but i started to think about this certain part of my trauma, something i cant talk about with anybody, most of all myself. something that i know i have to take to my grave. when i think about it, its immediate suicidality, immediately suicide becomes the only option. and im doing so well these days, i just have to not open that box, ever. not with anybody, its the one thing that i can never think of. though my meds must be working because i havent felt depressed in so long, the line between sad and depression is SO visible to me: being sad is like, whatever. ill be sad all day i dont care, i almost like feeling sad, because its not depression. and ill know when it changes. but for now things have been going good for a while, i dont want to jinx it, but this may be the longest stretch of good mental health. i mean, my life right now is unrecognizable, un-fucking-recognizable from where it was. i mean its crazy to think but, years have gone by since i escaped my parents home and theres been so much hell since then. but i finally feel like im at a good place. i mean, everytime i come back to this blog to update its always like yup! things are still not horrible! yay! haha im just gonna. count my blessings and keep riding this wave where it takes me.

[phoebehalliwell]

So I LOVED your Sheridan and Warren fic!! The two of them are hilarious because that are just trying their best those poor boys! I had a hypothetical, so like in all those AU where Prue is wished alive in I Dream of Phoebe, what would happen in this situation? Would Prue go see her sisters or would she go find her kids? ALSO Prue as the boys magical (deceased) guide is Perf 👌🏻

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA tysm !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love my boys so much i’m really trying to keep them like. like as removed from proper magic as possible bc i just think it’s really fucking funny to just follow two bimbos around as they try their best. i’ve also def like tinkered w canon a lil bit as explained in this post here only to keep them further away from aunts who could explain everything like they don’t even have a whitelighter bc paige was supposed to fill that role really the only person they have is prue who gave them a crash course when she unbound their powers as explained in this post and they will occasionally summon her but even then it’s less for advice and more bc like. they want 2 talk to their mom. and i do think prue will occasionally try to make like guest appearances on their birthday she’d def be a presence kinda like how grams was a presence for the girls if they had a book of shadows prue would do the flipping. but they don’t. she did guide their familiar to them!! the cat’s name is swizzlesticks and yes it is just kit again lmao. But. Ur Question. so basically in w&s’s origins jack raised them post prue death and like he kinda fucked off to japan for the rest of the show (sidenote both warren and sheridan are quasi fluent in japanese like jack the only difference is while jack uses his bilingual talents for business the twins almost exclusively use this ability to multitask while watching anime) so i think piper and phoebe had like Zero contact w their nephews and paige actually has never met them like she didn’t even really know they existed bc deadass just no one mentioned them. so like if prue is wished back to life in i dream of phoebe for starters she’s gonna know chris is piper and leo’s son bc she’s been keeping an ear to the ground and Heavily monitoring this chris situation before she assessed that he was good she spent a lot of time trying to figure out if a ghost should beat the shit out of an alive witch so idk who’s wishing prue alive in this specific au tbh u know what richard’s kinda off the shits this ep he’s probably wish prue back to life to try to prove to paige that she doesn’t have to be a charmed one she can just be paige :) and paige would lose her SHIT bc like oh my god that was not what she wanted and she’s so not ready to meet prue but here she is lmao and chris is freaking out bc now he really knows he’s altered the future in Major ways i think piper would see prue and immediately pass out and while i think prue would really really want to see her kids her first task would definitely be fixing the future and she would entirely dedicate herself to making sure wyatt doesn’t become evil but i think like she would pull chris aside and be like hi in your future where are my kids and chris would be like who? and prue would be like my sons?? warren & sheridan???? and chris would be like what?????? bc this whole time if wyatt was indeed not the eldest son like are you Fucking Kidding Me????? but no he’s never even heard of warren and sheridan bc in the dark future their powers were simply never unbound and they just continued to live as mortals and may or may not be dead depending on how good the witch finder bots are but like. i don’t think even if wyatt knew they existed he would want to find them bc that just draws attention to the fact they existed and he’s not the firstborn of the next gen so either they’re doing fine-ish all things considered or they just like died lowkey. but chris didn’t even was remotely aware of their existence. and i think this would kinda send prue into a bit of a tailspin bc her boys are so far removed from their legacy and their family (and they’re being raised by jack yikes!!) and she’s like no these are my kids but if she wants to get where they are she either needs to book a fight or find a whitelighter so i think this would specifically be a prue/paige adventure which is also nice bc paige is omnilingual and prue does not speak japanese so like. idk cute adventure. probably use some monster from japanese mythology to save either some smallish town or alternately a major city bc both of those r fun. i think if jack saw prue again he would start throwing things at her and stuff bc he’d be convinced this is some demon here to kill his kids just like they killed her bc haha that’s not a recurring nightmare lmao so i think prue would cast the truth spell right then and there to prove she’s really her which also leads to some good comedy and character development bc jack paige and prue are all under a truth spell and there is a lot unsaid between all of these characters with paige’s inferiority complex and prue and jack’s true feelings for each other and issues caused by prue’s death y’know blah blah blah but i think prue would really use this opportunity to bring warren & sheridan back into the fold so to speak and bring them to the manor and properly train them in the craft and tbh in this specific au i think prue and jack would actually end up together. bc in any other world i’m saying they literally just coparent like they’re fond of each other and will always love the other in like some way but it’s not like Love but i think here specifically it’s like. like the time spent apart where jack just like fucking wishes prue was there and realized what an absolute sap and hopeless romantic he is bc yeah he always like grand gestures and clowning around but like. warren and sheridan’s first steps? and jack was just fucking alone like ngl he almost cried bc he just wished. like prue should have been there. she would have been a great mom. she was a great mom. and his kids deserve their mom and like. he just wishes he could have shared that moment with her. completely unbeknownst to jack prue actually does like you know watch over them all and she’s just like. like blown away by jack. like never in a million years would she have thought he was capable of doing what he did. like. like wow man. and i think the combination of those two like actually having them together again and raising their kids i think romance would blossom again. and i think it would be this insane slowburn bc i think y’know like. like it only happened the first time bc jack pursued prue and was like stubborn and stupid and he like knew she was outta his league but it didn’t matter bc that relationship was just for funsies it was a fling it was never meant to be permanent but if jack were to pursue it know it’s be like. permanent. you know? and jack just doesn’t think prue feels the same way like jack’s a fuckin idiot he knows that and prue’s like a witch? like an insanely talented with and a successful photographer back from the dead don’t worry about it lmao and she just like. she takes the world by storm she balances her career and motherhood and saving the motherfucking world like how could she ever. she would never want to be with someone like jack like that’s just. it’s not in the cards. and prue on the other hand keeps waiting for the penny to drop she keeps waiting for like. jack to realize he doesn’t have to be here anymore. she’s convinced he’s gonna hop town and continue being the man she knew while she was alive now that he doesn’t have to keep watching over the kids now that he’s free in a way but that just never happens because jack doesn’t want to leave like those are his kids also he’s in love with prue lmao but she just can’t. she doesn’t get it. men leave. that’s what they do. that’s what they’ve literally always done she can’t like. she can’t open herself up to something serious only to have jack just ditch and leave her kids with the memory of his back walking out the door so she lowkey starts to push him away put her walls up which only furthers jack’s belief that this is never gonna happen but sometimes it’s like they’ll accidentally fall asleep on the couch together in the middle of the afternoon with the sunlight on them and they’ll wake up like Horribly Embarrassed like oh my god which they’re like this isnt weird okay like we have kids together they’re right there like. we have had sex multiples times before piper walking in on up taking a cat nap in the living room is literally it’s nothing!! oh but it so is something meanwhile phoebe the empath is about to lose her Fucking Shit like guys!!! guys!!!!!!!!! and piper’s just trying to reign her in like no don’t interfere bc piper knows prue’s fear of abandonment and she does not know this new iteration of jack she just remembers what he was like and she doesn’t want to see prue get hurt paige is on the opposite side bc she has literally never met any previous iteration of jack or prue and she’s like hello?? they’re in love?? and chris is like hi okay but like. the task at hand? and the girls are like no shh like trying to covertly spy on prue/jack/warren/sheridan/wyatt all playing in the solarium prue’s doing the telekinetic mobile thing again and jack’s expression of wonder is the same as his sons like !!!! and chris is like deadass i do not get it okay evil wyatt tho. but blah blah blah slow burn i think prue and jack would get married like s8. their wedding would replace paige and henry’s bc as mentioned before paige and henry having a wedding esp a wedding that early was like. dumb. but yeah. prue x jack brainrot. i’m mentally ill i love them so much.

[eldritchsurveys]

1090.

Can you say you are fully happy right now? >> Some surveys have such standard and generic questions that I can’t rightly tell if I’ve already taken it. This is one of those, and because it’s so long I’m hoping to god I don’t get to the middle of it and be like “oh. I did this literally last week” lmao. Fingers crossed. I don’t know what “fully happy” means. I took my walk like I promised myself, and I made an offering and am now drinking it (it’s delicious, a dessert stout called Big Luscious), so I’m on track for how I wanted my day to go. And I’m not triggered or having any kind of episode, so I’m okay there. Which means I am currently stable, which is a great place to be (considering the alternatives).

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? >> It’s possible, I guess.

Is there someone who stopped talking to you for no reason? >> I mean, probably, at some point. Ghosting is a common thing these days, for some reason.

Did you ever get called horrible names like (whore, skank, bitch)? >> Sure.

Where did you sleep last night? >> In my bed.

Ever slow danced with anyone? >> Yes, outworld and Inworld. Inworld is obviously the best, though. ~

Ever cried in public? >> Yes. Privacy and solitude was a rarity and a luxury for most of my life, so I had no real choice.

Ever feel safe in someone’s arms? >> Inworld, yes. I don’t know what that’s like outworld.

What would you do if you were pregnant? >> Die.

Are you afraid of letting anyone in? >> So, I have disordered attachment, am a product of CEN and CSA, and have resultant CPTSD. You do the math. (*makes some kind of joke about how it’s probably gonna be algebra because of all the acronyms--*)

Do you like cuddling? >> I love it Inworld. It basically gets me through everything. I would basically remain glued to Can Calah at all times if I could (and on some bad days, I do). Outworld is a completely different story because of the things mentioned just above.

Ever cry in school? >> I’m sure I have.

Who is the last person to send you a message on facebook? >> Probably Casey, like a month and a half ago.

Do you look decent when you wake up? >> Why am I paying attention to how I look when I wake up? I’m in bed. Who the fuck am I performing for? -___-’

Have you ever been given roses? >> No.

Had a long distance relationship? >> Yes.

Does it bother you when people never answer their cell phones? >> Why would that bother me? I am also one of those people. Oh, I guess you mean, like... I call a person, they never answer... hah, as if I would ever call a person. This is totally outside my experience.

Do you care what happens in politics/your government? >> I mean... here’s the thing. I care in the sense that I’m not totally disconnected from the effects of politics on people like me. But the realm of politics, specifically, is so alien to me that I have no idea what to do about it except halfheartedly vote and hope for the best? I don’t know how much more I’m supposed to care. I hate the political system, period, I want nothing to do with it. People assume that anyone that feels that way must be privileged and unaffected by politics, but I guess their shortsightedness about how different people can experience and feel about things is not my problem.

Ever been called babe/baby? >> Sparrow says “babe”.

Have you ever witnessed someone else engaging in a sexual act (not necessarily sex)? >> Yes.

Where did you get drunk last? >> I don’t remember. I don’t get drunk anymore, I just like to drink a beverage and enjoy the taste and slight buzz. Like right now, it’ll probably take me the next hour or two to finish this stout, but that’s the way I like to drink. Slowly and comfortably.

What’s your relationship with the last person you texted? >> I’m married to her.

If someone went through your pictures, would they find a dirty one? >> Nope. The only time I ever took nudes was just for the fun of it, not to be sexual or anything. Just enjoying having a human body (god, I wish that were me now...). But that was a long time ago and none of those photos are available anywhere anymore.

Do you want to see anyone right now? >> No.

Have you ever fell asleep in someone’s arms? >> Inworld, yes. Outworld, no.

How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night? >> About a half-hour after laying down, usually. Some nights a little longer, but then I just catch up on my reading.

How many pillows are on your bed >> Two.

When’s the last time you cried? >> Yesterday.

Is it cute when a guy buys you flowers? >> I mean, I’d require more context than that. If I’m friends with a guy and he’s like “I saw these flowers and thought of you!” that’d be adorable. I do love flowers, thanks for thinking of me! Also, I’ll probably use them as an offering, so double win. If some random guy sent me flowers, I’d be a bit disturbed and put-off.

Will things change in the next month? >> I mean, yes. That’s how it works.

How did you do on the last test you took? >> ---

Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? >> I mean, yeah. Are you afraid to grow up? >> ---

Are you busy tomorrow? >> Probably not, unless something really unpredictable and abnormal happens. I might be plenty busy playing FFXIV, though, considering I can’t today because it’s patch day.

How long have you had the shirt you’re wearing? >> It’s an undershirt, idk how long I’ve had it.

Do you give out second chances way too easily? >> Er, I assume not? I’m not usually in this kind of situation.

Has anyone told you that you’re amazing? >> Yes.

How many black shirts do you own? >> Like 15. For reference, I own like 20 shirts total.

Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now? >> I don’t see why I wouldn’t be. A lot of weird and sudden shit would have to happen to change that.

How come you’re not going out with the person you like? >> ---

When you feel cold does eating warm food help you feel warm? >> I don’t know. I do feel warmer after eating, just in general, probably because of the blood moving around to start digestion.

Do you want to diet? >> No. No I fucking do not. Don’t even suggest that to me.

Are you unsure about your feelings for someone? >> I’m not unsure about my feelings for anyone. I know how I feel about people. It’s other people whose feelings are a complete mystery to me.

Who did you last hang out with? >> Sparrow, because we live together.

Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car? >> I mean, obviously the money, since I can’t drive and don’t want to...

What song are you currently listening to? >> None.

Are you happy with your relationship? >> It’s fine.

Who was the last person to smoke something other than a cigarette or weed in front of you? >> Other than a cigarette or weed?? So, like... crack???? I really couldn’t say. It’d be years ago.

Does anything on your body hurt? >> Not right now.

If the last person you kissed were calling you right now, would you answer? >> I would, because if she’s calling me, then it must be a real ass emergency. Or probably like an EMT using her phone to find an emergency contact. So yeah, I’d answer. One of the very rare times I’d answer my phone.

In the run of a week, how many times do you straighten your hair? >> ---

Are you mad at someone right now? >> Nope.

Last thing someone gave you? >> I don’t remember.

Who woke you up this morning? >> Just me, naturally.

Who is your favorite family member on your mom’s side? >> ---

What do you do in your spare time? >> All my time is "spare” time, by other people’s standards, so, uh...

Who was the last person you were under a blanket with? >> Just Can Calah. :B

Where is the last person you kissed? >> Inworld.

What was the last thing you ate? >> Veggie burger and chips, breakfast. I’ll probably grab some lunch and queue up a movie after this.

Which of your friends is the most likely to get pregnant right now? >> ---

Do you remember the meanest thing the last person you kissed ever said to you? >> I don’t think she’s said anything particularly vicious to me. Just... kind of thoughtless things, I guess, earlier on.

What does your last outgoing text say? >> It was a link to a TikTok of a cute dog.

Have you ever been called prince/ princess? >> No.

Waiting for something? >> No. Well, the Dinnerly box, which is gonna get here eventually and which I’ll have to go downstairs to retrieve and then unpack.

Have you kissed anyone when you’re single? >> Yes.

What are you doing this weekend? >> I imagine the same things we do every other weekend in these COVID times.

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? >> I imagine so.

Have you ever kissed someone who was in a relationship? >> Yeah. Where is your biological father right now? >> ---

Where is the biggest scar on your body? >> Probably the one on my face. How late did you stay up last night? >> Not very. I think I went to sleep shortly after 11. Have you had your birthday this year yet? >> Yeah, in May. You had to kiss the last person you texted, would you? >> I mean, I have. What would you call your body type? >> I don’t want to call it anything. Are you a morning person? >> Yes. Have you ever been to Target? >> Yes, many times. Do you like iced coffee? >> It’s okay. When is the next time you’ll be at work? >> --- Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? >> Not that I can recall. Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart? >> Probably not. I take that kind of shit super fucking hard. Ever made a prank phone call? >> No. Does your mom vacuum early in the morning, when you’re sleeping? >> --- Have you ever been in a car accident? >> No.

Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone? >> Yes.

Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake? >> Physically? I assume not. Have you ever had stitches? >> Yes. Name a time when you had to be strong. >> Like... all the time? I don’t really know how to answer this. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting or any kind of abuse at home? >> The first two, no, because my parents were not together. The third, yes. Have you ever lost someone close to death? if so, how many? >> Once. Have you ever had any volunteer jobs? >> No. Have you gone through a lot emotionally growing up? >> Obviously. Has a boy/girl ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend for you? >> I really would not want anyone to do that. Anyone that can disrespect the rules of their current relationship so flagrantly is going to disrespect me next. Also, that’s a messed up thing to do to the third party, too. Do you want to see someone this very minute? >> Not especially. Unless it’s D. :)

Are you happy with the way things are going? >> Some things, sure. Are you a forgiving person? >> Sometimes, I guess. It’s not what I’d call a character trait of mine, though. Do you have to check in with your parents before you go someplace? >> --- Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? >> --- Describe how you feel about your life in the past month using one word: >> I cannot do that. Would you like to go back and change any part of your life? >> I mean, I don’t know. I am who I am, and that’s because of what I’ve experienced. I don’t know who I’d be otherwise, and I do like myself and I want to continue being myself, so... I have to take the bitter with the... less bitter. When will your next kiss be? >> I don’t know, whenever I want it to be. Last person you saw other than your family? >> --- Will tomorrow be better than today? >> I mean, today was pretty okay, so if tomorrow’s even better than today, boy howdy. Are you feeling guilty about anything right now? >> No. What’s going through your mind right now? >> I’m just taking this survey, dude. That’s all I’m thinking about. When’s the last time you had fast food? >> Day before Thanksgiving. Do you believe that there’s good in everybody? >> I mean, I guess, if we have to put it that way. I just think that people are largely alike, and that if I can see the “shadow self” in me and everyone that is capable of many of the evils of the world, then I don’t see why I can’t also see the “higher self” in me and everyone that is capable of the beautiful things that people do for and with each other. These divisions always make me twitch a little because I think making it a dichotomy misses the real point a bit, but I haven’t run into better words for this yet so I’m doing my best with what I’ve got. Is it okay if you kiss people when you’re single? >> ... When was the last time you saw someone attractive? >> I mean, I can see Can Calah or King Crimson whenever I want. :B What was the first thing you did when you woke up? >> Probably reached for my phone to see what time it was. Think back eight months ago, were you single? >> No. What do you carry with you at all times? >> Myself :) Are you okay with the life you live? >> I’m okay with a lot of it. Way more okay with the lives I’ve had to lead before.

Do you have a Tattoo? >> Yes. What other piercings would you get other than the ones you already have? >> I’m not sure. I haven’t really thought about it because I’ve been so focused on tattoos in recent times. I’d just rather have ink. Did your last kiss take place on a bed? >> Probably. Have you ever been to Disney World? >> No. If so, how many times have you been? >> --- Does grammar and capitalization mean anything to you? >> Meh. Like, here’s the thing -- even if I don’t capitalise proper nouns or use dialect grammar as opposed to “proper” (don’t get me started on the connotations of that term) grammar, I can still be understood. And that’s the whole fucking point. I use the social standard for grammar and capitalisation when it’s necessary, and for some reason I’ve been taking surveys with the social standard of English for so long that it’s a habit by now, but I’m not obsessed with it. I love being able to code-switch and I love using vernacular and I love “Internet dialect/grammar” and all of that. Language in all its forms, unrestrained, is just so. fucking. cool. Are you good at wrapping gifts for others? >> Sure, I like the orderly origami-like process of wrapping. Do you have a dirty clothes hamper in your room? >> No, it’s in Sparrow’s (bigger) room. Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? >> I enjoy big dinners and small dinners. I assume by “big” you mean “lots of food”, not... “big” as in “lots of people”, because that I do not enjoy. Is your vision good? >> Yes. Is your present hair color, natural? >> Yes. What was the last thing you ordered online? >> A crystal. Fuck, that reminds me, I gotta poke around on Etsy for some stocking stuffer type gifts.   Have you ever worn color contacts? >> Yes, quite often back in the day. If you have a significant other, how long have you been together? >> Almost nine years or something, idk. I’m bad at time math. Where are your parents as of now? >> --- Do you follow a certain religion? >> No. Do you have any family members who live out of town? >> --- Do you consider yourself short? >> Not really. What room are you in? >> Mine. Do you listen to any country music? >> Sure. Do you ever watch Lifetime? >> No. I don’t have cable, but I wouldn’t watch Lifetime even if I did. Would ever consider having children in the future? >> Probably not. Have you ever lived on a farm? >> No. Do both of your parents have jobs? >> --- If you had the chance to move to a completely different state, would you? >> Yes. What is something you’ve always wanted a boy to do for you? >> Clean my house. IDK, lol. What do you wish you had more knowledge about? >> Oh, stuff. What food are you craving right now? >> I’m not craving anything, even though it’s lunchtime. I have no idea what I want to eat. ...Hmm, egg, rice, and roasted veggies sounds really good but idk if I want to make eggs right now... How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa? >> I never was told about him. I kind of vaguely knew he existed from just... cultural saturation, or whatever, but yeah. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? >> A lot. Do you have a friend you can tell stuff to and you’re sure they won’t tell? >> --- Would you ever get someone’s name tattooed on you? >> You know, every time I see this question I totally fucking forget that I already have a person’s name tattooed on me. My X-Files tattoo that matches with Sparrow’s says “scully, it’s me”. Scully is a name lmaoooo So, yeah, I guess the answer is yes.

Does your family have family picnics? >> --- If your doctor said you were pregnant, what would you say? >> “That’s not a funny joke, so please stop”, I mean, what else would I say? That’s literally impossible so the doctor must be trying to pull a funny. A really fucking bad one, too.

[everythingirl44]

One last game of Tag? Agents of Shield #PartingShot

I was tagged by the wonderful @daisylincs, thank you Lily!

With this tag game, I want to know the answers to these five (5) questions and then tag 5 or more mutuals. Wasn’t tagged but want to join? Join in ! Everyone is an essential part of this fandom! Name from @ agent.of.shield_ on Instagram ( @agents-of-fangirling ) who had a great idea to post a picture of yourself with a drink (or just a drink) and tag it #partingshot as a finale goodbye to the show.

Where were you in life when you first started to watching AoS?

I was in eighth grade, going through one of the hardest years of my life so far. Let’s just say middle school girls are mean, toxic and love to cause drama. Especially since the school was by a very wealthy neighborhood.

I was in like a group of girls who were kinda mean and twisted things all the wrong way. I’ve made my peace with it and I’m actually friends with one of them again. I came across Chloe Bennet through YouTube. I didn’t have any social media except twitter back then.

So I looked up the show and saw the first four seasons were on Netflix. I was a huge DC girl growing up so when AoS first came out I wasn’t interested in Marvel. Oh boy how that has changed! I started watching around the end of the school year. Then around July on my birthday I watched the season three finale, I watched Lincoln Campbell die on my birthday which was horrible. Finished the whole thing about a week or two later. Then went to look up if it was renewed for a season five. Obviously it was and I continued watching.

Where are you now?

Kinda dreading writing this part because I never really put anything that could give away my age out there, but quick background. I believe some people like Lily think I’m older then I actually am. I’m a senior in high school, so I’m in twelfth grade. My high school is special in a sence that it offers students medical classes. Pretty much I’ve learned when a first year medical student learns, but in high school.

Yeah, I’m still a baby pretty much. Which might explain a lot or just make you more confused. I digress. Currently dealing with college apps and trying to be an adult. Also trying to deal with my anxiety with everything going on.

Super emotional about the show ending because for the past three years I kept saying on day I would go to comic con or wonder con and see their panel. That never happened, never will. None of my friends watch the show so I turned to Tumblr to ‘meet’ other people who watch it. I really love the AoS Tumblr community.

What character development arc (or storyline in general) did you love the most?

All of them? See I don’t know because they’re all different and amazing and taught me something about life.

If I had to pick I’d go with Daisy Johnson of course because she’s amazing and a badass. How she started out as hackavist Skye who was an orphan. Only to find out she has parents who have been looking for her. Also she’s the Juan anlien who has powers. Becomes a superhero and goes on this journey to figure out who she is. Falls in love, has a family, loses a lot, and still comes out strong because there is something worth fighting for out there. Also because I second guess my culture a lot growing up so seeing a female Asian American superhero on TV was really inspiring.

Honestly, hear me out, Wards whole storyline was absolutely amazing and very well written. He’s an undercover spy pretty much, then he’s the bad guy, then he’s trying to be the good guy but has childhood trauma that really screwed him over. Then he’s the bad guy again, then he dies gets brought back to life as Hive. Dies again, rest in piece Lincoln Campbell. Then he gets a redemption in the Framework which kinda shows he has a good side if it weren’t for Garrett. There is my really bad rendition.

Everyone’s storyline is amazing, definitely favorite Daisy Johnson. Ward isn’t my favorite, but I loved how it was written.

What will you miss the most?

The question is, what won’t I miss. I will miss the entire show, cast, and crew. I mean they are literally amazing people who do amazing thing in the entertainment industry.

I’m not even lying when I say this has been such a big part of my life. I’ve learned so much about myself the past few years. The show has been the only constant thing in my life and now it’s gone. I’m not ready! I don’t want to say goodbye to these amazing people and this show!

Favorite quote?

I have a few. They may be a few words off because this is from my memory.

“They’re only human.” Lincoln Campbell’s last words.

“With great power... comes a ton of weird crap that you are not prepared to deal with.” Skye/Daisy Johnson to Mike Peterson.

“I didn’t go to your stupid Shield Hogwarts or whatever.” Skye/Daisy Johnson to Fitzsimmon?

“The steps you take don’t need to be big; the just need to take you in the right direction.” Jemma Simmons to idk.

“May hates coffee.” Coulson to fake May/ Agent 33. That one was funny to me.

“Don’t touch Lola.” Coulson to everyone who tries to touch Lola.

“It’s funny what can happen when someone believes in you.” Coulson and Daisy in the finale.

Yeah I think that’s all of them? Off the top of my head. I might add more just for myself but wow. That’s that then, it’s never going to be the same.

Okay for tags, I am a little late to finishing this and everyone has probably already done it, but just for the final tag I’m gonna tag people anyway. @springmagpies @ohwriteiforgot @tomatobookworm @clementinewhy @2minutes2midnight @agentpolarbear also just me telling you I love all your work. You’re all amazing and thank you for being so nice!

[nctzendreamz]

One Year Anniversary w/ BTS

a/n: i had written this so long ago, but I thought you guys might enjoy!! <3333

jin:

how would he feel?

i feel like this would be a very big deal for jin and he’d make sure you knew it too. with his hectic schedules and time being limited, the fact that you haven’t left him yet is a celebration within itself, but he still can’t help but wake up and feel like it’s a dream to be with someone he loves and admires so much.

what would y’all do?

definitely a stay in the house kind of day. you are an extreme homebody, so you didn’t have any problems with that. he would cook your favorite meal and the two of you would just eat and talk with each other about things going on. time would just be flying by with the two of enjoying each others company like it was a first date. your heart still skipped a beat when you heard his laugh, and his practically jumped out of his chest when your smiled radiated against him. expect passionate love time after your stomachs get settled as well.

what will he get you?

honestly, I feel like jin will get you a whole bunch of nick nack type of items that are special to your relationship like a picture of the two of you, a carving of a baby tiger that you can put on your table because that was your favorite animal to play with when he took you to the zoo, while also getting you a few personal things you like too, like a bracelet with your initials on it, a necklace with your favorite shape as the charm.

[[MORE]]

yoongi:

how would he feel?

yes, I’m fully aware that yoongi is not some emotionless man who doesn’t have a care in the world, but regardless I do think he’s a lowkey person. what I mean by this is that when it comes to your one year anniversary, he might feel head over heels about it, and want to plan this whole romantic thing for it, but you might catch him not exactly showing it by being all over you until later in the night. he would show you more affection with an abundance of gifts and not words.

what would y’all do?

you and yoongi usually just chilled together at your house or his when you both were free to, but for your anniversary you both agreed that you needed to leave the house and try something different. you both would get dressed up really nice, and go to an expensive restaurant, laughing at the prices of the food compared to the actual size of the meal and even though you ate it, you would end up getting fast food after. yoongi would not be able to keep his eyes off you and every time he saw you smile or heard you laugh, he would want to pull out a ring for you to be his for eternity.

what would he get you?

this is gonna so so typical lmao, but one of the things he would definitely do is write you a song. i feel like music is one of yoongi’s favorite ways to communicate, so writing you a song would be the first thing he thought of. secondly, he would get the two of you couple rings. he knew you always wanted those and he also agreed although he would never be caught saying it out loud that when the two of you were far apart, it would make him feel like you were still connected somehow. yoongi would also get you bags and bags of expensive clothes and hoodies, followed by a matching watch to the one you bought him for his birthday a couple months before.

hoseok:

how would he feel?

hoseok would be so overjoyed that you’ve made it this far, and you’re gonna know it. everyday that you’ve been together has done nothing but give him this warm feeling that he didn’t know he needed, and you truly are his best friend in the whole entire world. he loves you so much and is so grateful to have you so he’s going to do everything to make sure you understand that.

what would y’all do?

the one thing the other members always teased you and hoseok about was how “high end” you were. after you started dating hoseok, in his eyes you became one, so everything he had you had too. we all know how lavish he lives, and your 1 year anniversary would be nothing less than that. he will plan a 4 day trip to Japan. hoseok is taking you shopping until your arms fall off, you’re going to the most expensive restaurant, you’re going to the nicest hotel in the city, he’s going all out.

what would he get you?

i didn’t realize I lowkey said it above, but most definitely takes you shopping. he will legit just follow you around the store, letting you model everything you buy for him wishing he could do this all day. he’s also another member that will have you ICED OUT! more than any other member tbh. y’all will have so much matching jewelry, but his favorite was the gold J chain that you eagerly put around your neck.

namjoon:

how he feels about it?

oh does this boy love you more than anything. he might not have told you everyday, but you are his rock and his soulmate for real, yet he’s similar to yoongi in the sense that he’s not over the top about showing how he feels. actually, for the whole year you’ve been together namjoon has been lowkey, only allowing you to see his “soft” and complete boyfriend material side, nobody else. on his Instagram he posted a few aethstetic pictures and you could get the occasional women crush wednesday on his snap story, but the rest was really between the two of you. it was something you often complained about, which is why on the day of your one year namjoon really did try his best to be extra romantic.

what would y’all do?

another trip taker. he made it a surprise as he knew you’d never offer it even if you thought about it as you knew how tired he was. you woke in inside of a house with him sleeping beside you. yes, he rented a whole house for y’all to stay in for the weekend as he had to get back to work on Monday.

what did he get you?

instead of writing a song, he writes you a long poem about how favorite things about you and how much he loves you. namjoon isn’t much of a icy man, but he knows you love jewelry so he gets you plentiful.

jimin:

how does he feel about it?

y’all know jimin is somehow a soft baby but at the same time the manliest man ever. like idk what it is about him, but I soooo see him as the “I’m sweet&goofy to my baby but I can also get serious” type of guy, and that’s definitely what you’re gonna see. he’s gonna take your one year very seriously and he's so blessed to have you in his life. for every day that you’ve loved him, you’ll get all that love back in one day. he knows y’all have had your ups and down and just like Jin there were times where he swore you would leave him because of the hectic schedule, but y’all made it and he loves you so much.

what will y’all do?

thankfully, your anniversary fell on a time period where bts had some time off, so he got you a week vacation to busan, where you two honestly didn’t do anything over the top compared to hoseok. the both of you were perfectly content staying in bed all day, catching up on all the love you missed out on while the two of you were at work. he’ll continually post you all over his (private) Snapchat story to brag to all of his friends and members about the great time you’re having, and he’ll cook for you legit everyday. like it might as well be your birthday because he’s not letting you love a muscle even though it’s a mutual event.

what did he get you?

i feel like I’m saying jewelry for everyone but they all be low key blinged out I can’t help it. another couple ring appreciator. in yours, his initials were carved in the inside, and in his yours. he also gets you the most sentimental gift ever. a whole book with all your memories. pictures and pictures ft more pictures of every date, every selfie ugly or cute, and lastly a letter. in this letter jimin would tell you everything he’s never said. he’d tell you about how after the two of you hung up on FaceTime when he was on tour, he cried when he thought about the fact that he couldn’t touch you, kiss you, wipe your own tears away that he had just saw before the call ended. how just the sound of your laugh can cure any depression, sadness, or worrieness he feels. all of that.

taehyung:

how he feels about it?

it wouldn’t hit him until the day before that you two had made it this far. he would be so quiet and people would think he was upset, but in reality he couldn’t be happier. every memory would run through his mind, and it would put a permanent smirk on his face.

what will y’all do?

another trip taker. he asked you a month ago if you could go anywhere in the world where would it be, and you said Aruba. now you were in Aruba. he would be sure that he didn’t have any conflicting schedules, and would try to make it the best vacation ever. the two of you will do everything possible to do.

what did he get you? other than Aruba lmfao

a lot of clothes. he had thought long and hard about it, and he felt this was the best thing to buy. he also wrote you a letter like jimin, but he wasn’t very confident in it. he tried his best to express himself on paper, but how could he put his love for you in words? it was impossible.

jungkook:

how does he feel?

jungkook is going to try his hardest to be cool about everything. of course he will tell you how much he loves you, but he still will be fighting to be relaxed and calm about it all. it wouldn’t hit him until the day was over that he had truly reached a milestone with you.

what will y’all do?

in reality, he would want to take you on a trip so bad. he didn’t care where, he just wanted to get away with you. but he wasn’t allowed as bts was still promoting, so he had to settle on two days with you, promising more later. the fact that you said one day would’ve been okay made him feel even worse. he had let you plan it out since you told him you wanted to stay home. the two of you cooked together, failing horribly but making more memories. as you ate, you would just talk forever. it’s 1am, and you’re still talking. after that, you’re going to bed and not leaving until he has to leave again unless one of you have to pee.

what will he get you?

when he gave you a bag of photos, you thought it would be pictures of you, and some were, but a lot were pictures of nature.

“they remind me of you. even though you’re more beautiful.”

he would also get you jewelry because...it’s a must. he had a shopping spree waiting for you as well, but he was saving that for when you two actually had a vacation.

[kebinwooo]

rules: answer 10 questions, tag 10 mutuals to answer 10 questions you write

getting to this a bit late but i was tagged by @theyoungflexer! i realized all my answers to this are super boring so i’m so sorry in advance OTL i’m honestly not an interesting person this is so sad LOL anyways everything’s under the cut (bc despite having boring af answers i still somehow talk a lot)

1. what’s the worst thing you’ve ever eaten?

why am i blanking on this LMAO i want to say i’ve never eaten anything super disgusting myself (like bland and would-not-order-ever-again stuff? yeah i’ve had that. but nothing impressionable enough to say it was the worst thing i’ve ever eaten) but i have definitely seen my fair share of gross creations /looks at jeonghan’s marshmallow wrapped in lettuce 

2. describe your aesthetic as pretentiously as you can!

is it bad if i say i don’t really have an aesthetic? or at least one that i know of? i’m so sorry i’m so boring LMAOOOOO like i have certain things i like but idk if any of them constitute an aesthetic... anyways moving on bc the more i write the more sad i get AHAH

3. would you marry your bias? why/why not?

depends who we’re talking about. if it’s kevin (from ukiss), that’s a maybe. he’s been slowly sliding off my bias list and lowkey already lost ultimate bias status (I’M SORRY KEVIN ;A;) and like he’s definitely a super sweet and kind dude (i know since i met him and he was so caring and attentive ;u;) but also he seems a little too perfect yknow? being with him would just make me feel like i can never live up to his image hahaha so yeah i can’t imagine marrying him (also bc he’s eight years older than me LOL)

if it’s joshua, yes. i love him a lot and he also seems sweet like kevin but also  so easygoing and thoughtful and fun to be around and just AGH. i’m gonna cut myself off before i ramble lol

now... if it was changkyun, HELL NO. I CAN BARELY STAND THE DUDE AND I’M ONLY A STAN. WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO MARRY HIM BC I’D WANT TO FIGHT ALL THE TIME (lmao i’m only (half) joking. like yes i do love him in my own way but idk if i would be willing to marry him bc i get the feeling our personalities won’t completely mesh) 

4. what’s your favorite myth?

this is a great question and one that i’m suddenly blanking on. i love greek myths a lot but for some reason i can’t remember any wtf??? i guess my favorite one that i can remember off the top of my head is when odysseus tricks the cyclops and blinds him and then the cyclops is running around going like ‘NOBODY STABBED ME’ and his cyclops friends are like wtf do you mean (does this even count as a myth? LOL well i’ll just say it does)

on another note, i DO want to say that my favorite greek goddesses are artemis and persephone (and also a lil bit of athena) but i really can’t remember any myths related to them that i particularly liked so.... oops?

5. what’s your favorite meal?

ooooof this is a hard one. i’ve had a lot of meals that i’ve eaten and loved... i’ll go with my birthday meal from last year. basically it was an omakase-type restaurant and i ate like various cuts of meat throughout the entire night and it was delicious and great. i wanted to go back for my bday this year bc i’m turning 21 and they give you free alcohol on your bday but tbh idk if i can even go anymore.... fuck covid tbh >:( 

6. what is your idea of true happiness?

honestly? i’m kinda unexpectedly graduating early next semester so right now my idea of true happiness is just a stable job and a clear path for what i want to do bc that’s what i currently DON’T have lmao. also having a s/o would be nice.... quarantine is making me feel sad and single and lonely HAHAHA. but yeah mostly just having a stable, clear life path that i enjoy while being able to afford what i want with a little leftover so i can splurge every now and then yep

7. if your life was a movie, what song would play during the opening credits?

hmmm, this is a good question and one i can’t seem to answer right off the bat LOL the undying kissme in me wants it to be a ukiss song... so i would choose ukiss’s dear my friend as like one of those fun, starting off the day songs! but also it doesn’t feel like it would start off a movie on my life. so realistically, it would be yorushika’s hitchcock! it’s a really upbeat, cute song.... and then you read the lyrics and it’s pretty depressing and existential LOL and that basically sums me up super well and would be a great song for that initial character setup

8. if you were a dinosaur, what dinosaur would you be?

i have absolutely no reasoning behind this but i would want to be a brontosaurus or a stegosaurus LOL i feel like i once had a more interesting answer to this question but i forget now oops

9. where’s your favorite place to hang out/visit?

this is gonna sound super lame of me but boba shops where they have a lot of seating and you can stay for hours playing games. my favorite summer activity is to go out with my friends for boba and then sit around playing board games in a nice air-conditioned cafe. but alas.... covid >:( 

also, this is gonna sound even lamer of me but when i’m at school in washington, my favorite place to hang out is the international district in seattle (and particularly the supermarket, uwajimaya). i’m surrounded by a lot of white people where i go to school so when i head up to seattle for a day trip, going to the international district and just seeing asians again and eating asian food is soooooo comforting. so yeah LOL 

10. what do you HAVE to have on you when you go out?

this is gonna sound super dumb of me but i like actually NEED to have my phone on me. my phone broke last year and i had to go around without it for like three days and i felt so naked, especially when i was eating by myself and had nothing to do with my hands. it was the worst tbh so yeah i’m a horrible phone-addicted person it seems OTL 

***

i’m not tagging anyone but if for some reason somebody read all my answers and wanted to do this as well, i’ll add some down below! just say you were tagged by me if you do them! 

1. If you could reunite any group of people, who would it be? 

2.  What’s your favorite trope?

3. What’s a song that you always recommend to somebody?

4. If you could live anywhere in the world without any restrictions (aka language barriers are nonexistent, money isn’t a problem etc.), where would you want to live?

5. If you could learn the exact time of your death, would you choose to know? 

6. What’s a superstition you have?

7. If you could give a TED talk on anything, what would it be on?

8. What’s your favorite form of potato?

9. What would you absolutely never do, not even for a million dollars?

10. Make a soundtrack of your life. What songs have to be included? 

[isthatbloodonhisshirt]

New Year’s Wrap Up!

Thank you @corancoranthemagicalman​ for tagging me in this! I honestly don’t ever think about these things ahaha |D So this is kinda cool tbh. Thank you :3 

Does my current WIP technically count in this case? I’ll pretend it does, I mean, I WROTE it in 2019, just didn’t post it until December 30th |D lol So technically, it counts, it’s only a WIP on Ao3, not on my computer :P 

Fics that you wrote in 2019

Up Down Lock Unlock (Sterek, 42k, G)

Through the Window (Sterek, 6.8k, G)

Business Skype (Sterek, 6k, G)

It Was a Wednesday (Sterek, 80k, M)

Be Still My Heart (You’re Beating Too Loud and my Neighbour’s a Bitch) (Sterek, 34k, T+)

What Fresh Twilight Bullshit is This? (Sterek, 196k, E)

Everyone Needs a Little Mischief in their Life (Sterek, 18k, T+)

There’s no Escape for the Potato Man (Sterek, 54k, T+)

SuperWing, Stucky and SlaDick, Oh My! (Sterek, 34.8k, T+)

Quack (Stiles Stop Calling It That) (Sterek, 16k, T+)

Because Family is More than Just Blood (Sterek, 5K, G)

I mean, again, TECHNICALLY Actions Speak Louder Than Words also counts because I wrote it in 2019 and am just posting most of it in 2020... So... (Sterek, 384k, E)

We are going to assume all questions are answered with the inclusion of Actions.

Total Fics: I wrote 12 fics this year. Enough to be considered one a month, except definitely not one a month since Twilight took me two months and Actions took me a fucking ETERNITY, like, I think I started in July? Maybe August, but still, took me FOREVER!  

Total Words: 877,632. Less than last year :( I broke a million words last year. Maybe I can break 2 Million in 2020! (LOL Yeah no...) 

Ship/Character Breakdowns: LOL Sterek. That’s... that’s it... 

Best/Worst Title:  Best Title (IMO): What Fresh Twilight Bullshit is This? (Idk man, I laugh every time I think about it, so I like it) Runner up Best Title: It Was a Wednesday Worst Title: Up Down Lock Unlock. (I legit had no idea what to call that fic, so, you know |D)

Best/Worst First Line:  Best First Line: From “Everyone Needs a Little Mischief in Their Life” 

To be fair, he hadn’t exactly meant to throw him into a tree.

Worst First Line: From “Quack (Stiles Stop Calling It That)”

“Stiles.” A loud grunt escaped said individual at the harsh smack to his posterior. “Up. Get up.”

General Questions

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted?

I feel like kind of less than I thought. I had plans for two others but then Actions took over and I know myself well enough to know if I didn’t finish it first, I never would. So I’m gonna take a short break to catch up on like, life >.> And then start back up again starting with a long overdue birthday present. Hopefully I can write more in 2020 \o/

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

HAHAHA Uh, I only wrote Sterek and I knew I would only write Sterek so I guess I knew all along? Man, I write too much Sterek... 

What’s your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest.

Probably It Was a Wednesday. I mean, it was super SAD, and I was AWFUL to poor Stiles, but idk, I don’t write Derek’s POV very much, and I kind of liked having Derek be the one to save someone else for once. And I liked that he was the only one who could truly understand what Stiles had gone through compared to everyone else. It was also nice being able to write a fic where it showcases the pack can’t survive without Stiles because once he disappeared, the pack fell apart, and my honest opinion is that that is 100% what would happen. Without Stiles, the pack can’t function and begins to fracture, so it was fun writing them coming back together around him when he returned. 

Okay, NOW your most popular story.

From 2019, What Fresh Twilight Bullshit is This? To be fair, it’s like, 116k words longer than my next longest fic of 2019 so I feel like that’s an unfair comparison lol.

Story most underappreciated by the universe?

I say It Was a Wednesday -slams hands on desk- But I’m biased because it’s my fav from 2019 >.> But it’s number 5 kudos-wise for 2019! I think it’s the angst. The first four are all more fluffy (Except Twilight, but it has an equal amount of fluff and angst). I guess my real self is coming out. SURPRISE! I am an Angst Queen >.>

Story that could have been better?

Be Still My Heart (My Neighbour’s a Bitch and You’re Beating Too Loud). Honestly, not super happy with that fic, but I wrote it for personal reasons. To copy/paste so as not to repeat myself: 

(As of October 2019) So basically, Stiles is currently me. I have had a neighbour complaining about me for literally 31 months (which, for people bad at math like me, is OVER two years) and they are literally ruining my life. I have massive anxiety every time I do anything, INCLUDING SLEEP, and I basically cannot live my life in any capacity. The building manager is really nice to me, but the property manager is pretty much useless and the complaints continue to come during times where I am literally passed out in bed. In light of that, I wrote this fic because by God, I needed some fucking happy in my life over a situation I have no control over. Is Derek in the wrong? I mean, yeah, I never say he's not. Did Stiles suffer? Of course he did. But you know what? He got a happy ending, because turns out his anxiety was due to a poor decision on Derek's part, and he felt terrible about it. I don't get a happy ending, I get constant anxiety and apologetic texts from the building manager because it's his job to tell me he knows I'm sleeping but lady is still complaining. So given I wrote this to make myself feel better, and I decided to share it with you, do me a favour and instead of making me feel worse by telling me how horrible I am and how shitty Derek is, just hit the red X in the corner instead and you can avoid having to look at this fic again. People write things for various reasons, it'd be real great if there was a bit more understanding and a bit less attacks in the world. You don't know why someone wrote something or what's going on with the person on the other end of the computer screen. So just click the X if you hated this fic and thought Derek was a dick to Stiles. I know he was, but Stiles at least gets to live his life anxiety-free because the building manager was in love with him. I get to go cry in the shower every night.

Sexiest story?

What Fresh Twilight Bullshit Is This? It’s the only one with smut, I’m pretty sure, so it’s really the only one that counts |D

Saddest story?

It Was a Wednesday, hands down. I was really mean to Stiles in it.

Most fun?

Oh man, uhhhh... Oh maaaaaaaaan.... I thought it would be between two of them, but it’s between FOUR... Business Skype, There’s No Escape For the Potato Man, Quack (Stiles Stop Calling It That) and SuperWing, Stucky and SlaDick, Oh My! 

Hmmmmmmmmmm..... hmhmhmhmhmhmhm....

UGH! This is hard. Okay, I’ma go with Potato Man. I got the idea randomly and it was ridiculous but still fun, so I’m gonna stick to that. It was my first instinct, going with it. 

Story with the single sweetest moment?

Actions Speak Louder Than Words, but I can’t quote the part because it hasn’t been posted yet |D 

So runner up is It Was a Wednesday:

“Need is a very specific thing. Your dad needs you, because he doesn’t know how to function without you. He needs you to be there to watch what he eats, and he needs you to stay close to him so he knows he hasn’t lost everyone he cares about. He needs you like a dying man needs one more breath. He’s desperate for it.

“Scott needs you, too. He needs you to keep him out of trouble. He needs you to challenge him, to keep him in line, to keep the Pack together. He needs you to be the voice of reason, to make the plans, to know when to fight and when to turn tail and run. Scott needs you like an Alpha needs a second, because he doesn’t know how to do this without you. He doesn’t know how to exist without you in his orbit, because you’ve never not been in his orbit before.

“But me? I don’t need you. At all. Because I survived before you, and I survived after you. I can manage without you in my life, but the difference is I won’t. Because I want you. I want you to be in my life. I want you in my space, arguing with me, annoying me, being infuriatingly right all the time. I want you to be a part of my future, whether it’s as a coworker at the garage, as a Packmate to this broken Pack that I don’t even know can be salvaged, as a friend, as a brother, I don’t care. All I know is that want and need are two different things, and just because I don’t need you doesn’t mean I don’t want you.”

Hardest story to write?

Actions Speak Louder Than Words, hands down. I love dialogue. Like, loooooooooooove dialogue, which is why writing fics with tons of texting make me supremely happy. And I decided, hey, what if I wrote a fic where one of the two main characters is cursed and can’t speak? What if I did that? And then what if I made it ALMOST 400k? WHAT IF I VERY SMARTLY DID THAT LIKE A VERY SMART PERSON? 

I’m lucky I’m still sane, tbh. 

Easiest/most fun story to write?

Okay, Business Skype can go here then. Because it was definitely the easiest, and also really fun :) 

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

I mean, kind of It Was a Wednesday, I guess. Like I said above, it made me think about how the pack can’t function without Stiles, personally. So I’d say probably that one for that reason. 

Most overdue story?

Actions Speak Louder Than Words. That thing was an asshole to me :( 

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them? I don’t think so? Unless writing really excessively long fics this year counts? Because I did two of those... And clearly, I learned nothing from that suffering.

What are your fic writing goals for next year?

To not take five months to write one fic... That’d be good |D Kinda wanna do another challenge, but don’t know what. I’ll think on it. If anyone has any challenge ideas, let me know :) 

[pomonassprout]

One year in the life

Just a tiny lil ficlet that shows a little bit of James and Lily’s lives the last year they were alive, one paragraph for each month. Hope you like it!♡

Wordcount: 1.8k

Can also be read on ao3 (just cause idk if my blog is the best to read fics on, because the font’s sorta small)

In October, James returned home one day with matching Halloween costumes for himself, Lily and Harry. Lily's jaw dropped when he took them out of the bag and showed her. They were costumes from Grease, which James told Lily, rather excited, was one of the biggest movies in the muggle cinema a couple of years back. Lily couldn't do anything but shake her head, smile, and kiss the man. And so it was that on Halloween, James was dressed up as Danny, Lily was Sandy and Harry was the car from the end scene. James admitted to having used quite a few charms on Harry's, to make it look proper realistic. Despite herself, despite the dread that was permanently lodged in her chest, Lily was happy that evening.

In November, James was hardly ever at home. He accepted every mission he was asked to go on, and Lily didn't feel she could do much but to let him. She spent her evenings crying more often than not, wondering what she would do if one day, he didn't return home. But then Harry would start fussing and she would have no choice but to get herself together, and take care of him. And James always returned. He'd come through the door, tired and dirty more often than not, but always physically, and mostly mentally and emotionally, okay, and Lily always greeted him with a hug and a plea for him to stay home for a few days now.

In December, they were told to go into hiding. Voldemort was after them, was after Harry, and leaving the house was no longer safe. Lily took several deep breaths when they were told, but held her head high and took in everything Dumbledore said. She clutched James' hand under the table and he clutched back, his hand even clammier than hers. They'd go into hiding and Sirius would be their Secret Keeper. As Dumbledore was about to leave, Lily asked what would happen to their friends, to Marlene and Remus and Peter and Mary, and to James' parents. Would anyone let them know if something happened? They were assured that they would be told at once.

In January, Lily celebrated her 21st birthday. It was the quietest and most somber celebration she'd had since she was a child, it being only her, James, Sirius and Harry. Sirius told them about the world outside, about the things they didn't hear about from the radio; about the goblin family up North who had been brutally murdered, about his own brother having disappeared off the face of the earth and being presumed dead, about the several children being attacked by werewolves in their own bedrooms. Lily cried when she went to sleep that evening, and James held her close and whispered in her ear that it was all gonna work itself out soon. Very soon. Because how much worse could it possibly get now?

In February, James' parents died. They were old and they caught Dragon Pox, and it was hardly a surprise, their health having detoriated for quite some time. Nonetheless, James was crushed. He spent several days in bed, only getting up to go to the bathroom, to get food, or to pick Harry up, hold him close to his chest and cry quietly into his shoulder. Lily felt helpless, out of her debth, as she watched her husband experience the first real heartbreak of his life. But she made him food, washed his clothes, gently coerced him to take a bath, and held him in her arms. She did this for several days before she'd had enough. And as it turned out, tough love was the best way to deal with a broken James Potter.

In March, it was James' 21st birthday, and just like he did on Lily's 21st, Sirius came around. Once again, he told them everything the radio wouldn't. They listened, they nodded, they made conversation, but on the inside, their nerves were raging. Maybe it was because they hadn't been outside for months, maybe it was because they'd barely seen anyone but each other, but Lily couldn't remember ever feeling chronically nervous like this before. When she confessed her thoughts to James after they'd gone to bed that night, he told her he felt the same way, before he kissed her deeply and put his arms around her.

In April, Sirius comes bearing grave news. The Prewett-brothers had been murdered, brutally; they'd fought a hero's battle, the both of them, but were eventually slain. Lily was all out of tears, and merely nodded as she heard herself say a few words about “tragedy” and “gruesome”. Harry was sitting in her lap, his laugh sincere and cheerful as she bounced her legs up and down. She looked down on him, a tiny smile automatically finding its way to her lips. This small creature, he was innocent and naïve and had no idea how much danger he was in. Lily prayed that by the time he was old enough to understand, this would be over, and they could tell him about all the brave witches and wizards who gave their lives to resist the darkness that had once threatened to consume their community and all its citizens.

In May, Lily took to standing by the window and look outside. It looked peaceful out there, especially during the day, when the sun was high and she could see the green leaves on the trees, the flowers on the ground, and hear distant sounds of children's laughter. On one such day, James came up behind her, put his arms around her waist and rested his chin on her shoulder. For a long while, they stood there like that, before James asked her what she wanted to do once the war was over and they could go on with their lives. Lily couldn't help but smile, and said that she wanted to travel all over the world, a dream she'd had since before she even knew she was a witch. And James told her that they could go wherever she wanted; a stunning beach in Thailand, a beautiful mountain peak in Austria, the wide plains of Kenya, a spectacular fjord in Norway... Anywhere she'd like, because he loved her more than life itself, and that wouldn't change no matter where in the world they were.

In June, Lily was told that Marlene, and her entire family, had been found dead. She was holding Harry in her arms and must have clutched him too tightly, because he started wailing. Before she knew what was happening, James had taken Harry from her and she fell backwards, only avoiding the floor because Sirius caught her in time. And then she cried. For the first time in several weeks, she cried, and it never seemed to stop. She cried all day, all night, and when she woke up the next morning, she cried more. Marlene... sweet, ridiculous, talented Marlene. And her entire family. Her sister, barely ten years old. Her parents, young and full of life. Their bodies were torn to bits, said Sirius, and never would Lily be able to say one final goodbye to the bright girl who had once come to Lily and offered her a Chocolate Frog in exchange for help on her Potions homework.

In July, it was Harry's first birthday. It was a subdued affair, but Sirius brought a toy broom that Harry found so delightful he destroyed a vase and knocked over a lamp. James was even more delighted, insisting that Harry would grow up to be a formidable Quidditch player. It was nice, in a way, that Harry was the focus for one evening. Not that Harry would remember it, but none of them could bring themselves to discuss any heavy matters when it was a baby's birthday that was the occasion. So they ate cake, played with Harry, found a muggle radio station where they joked around and played pop tunes, and ignored the fact that their friends and acquaintances were being murdered, one by one.

In August, Sirius came visiting more often. He looked exhausted, thin, and nervous. He gave them some quick updates; Remus was underground with other werewolves, Peter had gone into hiding, and Mary was still fighting the good fight. Edgar Bones had been found murdered, along with his wife and children. When James asked how Sirius was doing, Sirius merely shrugged his shoulders and said they were at war and that it didn't matter how he, personally, was doing. There would be time to take care of themselves once the war was won.

In September, there was a sense of forboding in the air that Lily couldn't quite shake. Sirius came over one evening and told them that they needed to make Peter their Secret Keeper, which they agreed to after hearing his reasons. News of more deaths reached them; Benjy Fenwick, Dorcas Meadowes, and Caradoc Dearborn. James was depressed, Lily could tell. He played with Harry, he made food, he cleaned around the house, but the spark in his eyes was gone. Lily felt no better herself, and the only thing she could muster up the energy to do to help, was to hold him tight whenever possible. At night, when she couldn't sleep or was up feeding Harry, she wondered if any of them would be okay when the war was over, even if they survived, or if the wounds were too deep.

In October, Lily lost everything. She heard James' shouts from the living room, heard the panic in his voice when he yelled at her to take Harry and run. But Lily froze, horribly torn between the choice of attempting to save her son and the one of helping her husband. And all she could think was that Peter had betrayed them... Kind, sweet Peter, her friend through so many years, her partner during Charms classes for all their seven years at Hogwarts.

But then, all of a sudden, it didn't matter who had betrayed whom, because Lily heard that sickening thump, that heavy, earth-shattering sound of a lifeless body hitting the floor. Harry screamed, as if he knew that his father was dead, as if he knew that even if he and his mother came out of this alive, nothing would ever be the same. Lily stood her ground when he entered the room, her blood was rushing in her ears, the grief in her heart was overpowering every other emotion. He spoke, he told her to get out of the way, and as she refused, again and again while begging for her son's life, he came closer.

And then there was nothing. Lily screamed, because she knew that Harry had no one to protect him anymore. She was gone and James was gone. All was lost.

[changji]

Wow you really went off the other day but at least it was worth it 😪 I normally look at the scenery when I’m on a road trip, but then I get bored of it and decide to sleep bc there’s nothing else to do. Motion sickness must suck :(( do you take gravol or something to help with it? Coffee literally drains the life out of my funds it hurts me

Yes omg pls make me cookies I love them. Maybe you can even open a bakery with pastries and sell some good /cheap/ coffee. Ilyt my dear baker 🥺 ye I’m not the biggest fan of my bday either but gotta celebrate anyway!! One year closer to death woohoo 🎉🎉 your birthday is the most important day of the year!!! You can’t fight me on this I’m right

Pearls are so good. Like most places I go to don’t add anything to the pearls so it’s just bland squishy balls but the place I frequent adds I think honey to sweeten them. It gives the pearls life istg. It tastes so good 🤤 hollering is a funny word. For some reason I always associate it with yodelling which makes me laugh

Ksks you must be op if you can make a joke in the wall with a door slam. I can’t relate my arms are literally sticks and I have no strength in me. Chrome books are terrible in general. Add my schools terrible wifi and you get one big recipe for disaster. I’d never fight u either (unless it’s for your bday) ily too much for that 🥺🥺🥺

Hahah I think it’s me. I haven’t heard anyone say “go ham” except for the people who go to my school. I find it really funny tho so I try to incorporate it whenever I can LOL easily burnt? Can’t relate but apparently I easily tan. There’s this one diagonal stripe on my shoulder that separates pale me and tan me which ??? How did that happen and what was I wearing for that to happen??

It’s all fun and games until you go outside and see a mountain of snow waiting for you to be shovelled. But there are some good aspects to winter, like skating and skiing and all that fun stuff. Snow is so heavy?? Or maybe I’m just weak but after I finish shovelling I’m beat. Gardening is not my thing. There’s too many bugs involved flying around 🥴

Kind of? I always thought it was short for cappuccino but I could be wrong. They don’t taste like fraps tho, they’re sm better. I was always a frap hoe until I discovered lattes. My old elementary school was close to a Starbucks so whenever frappy hour was happening, my friends and I would go almost every day LOL

I heard that dunkin coffee is really good. Oof there’s so many things that the us have that Canada doesn’t. But apparently you guys don’t have ketchup chips?? How can one live without them? You know that’s what soulmates are, we’re stuck together forever and I don’t mind that. I’d never leave you 😌😌

YES OMG LATTES ARE SO EXPENSIVE. I pay around the same amount and my wallet cries every time. If you ever yeet yourself off a bridge I’d come visit u in hell and bring u iced coffee 💖 we really are soulmates wtf I get almond milk in my lattes as well!! I used to get normal milk and was like “I’m a bad bitch milk can’t hurt me” but that didn’t really work out. Sigh what we do for coffee 😔

Washing dishes is disgusting. I hate doing them but yk someone’s gotta do it and that someone is me 😤 I’m acc lazy when it comes to smoothies, I usually ask my mom to make them LMAO. Pancakes are pretty much made of flour if you think about it so technically when u eat one plain ur eating cooked flour,, how barbaric. Waffles are Built. Like. They have a 20 pack 😪😪

I love angst personally so pls go ham but not too ham I’d like to keep my heart. Honestly at this point my last brain cell has given up on me. But yes I love angst and I love torturing myself with heart wrenching angst that leaves me crying into my pillow at 3am (I’m talking about this one haikyuu fic that I forgot the name of. I was literally dying inside jalsjwo)

Pls do send me peet’s I’ll send you an iced capp in a cooler so it’ll be somewhat melted and probably spilt everywhere 🤪 tumblrs probably gonna block me again, I’m looking at how much I’ve typed rn and it’s a lot lmaoo. Yes I managed to save myself. I redid the whole last with less detail bc I was not Having It but it turned out better?? How is ur drawing now?

I start after labour day in September. But starting in 3 weeks?????? On a Thursday?? I could never wtf. When do you end? I’m so confused with these ap and honours thing, like there’s none offered in my school nor majority of the school district. Are they just advanced classes or something? It is 7 classes a semester or the whole year?

Stan talent i think you meant yourself??? Jsjsksk I am not only ur coffee soulmate I’m not #1 fan as well and I support u bc ily 🥺🥺 the read more tag had me laughing for a hot minute. Like we really could make an essay out of all of our replies. I don’t have any pets (besides fish does that count?) unfortunately bc my moms allergic to fur 🥺 hbu?? (I can’t believe tumblr blocked me again they can fight me)

-

i didn’t even pay LOL i freeloaded off my cousin 🤧 i like to look @ scenery sometimes but like i can’t bc my head hurts LOL and the scenery is always the same for me, mountains and fields with cows. i try to take dramamine but it makes me so drowsy that i’m just basically dead,,, i live off of my cousins money so i’m okay 🤪

tbh i use nestle toll house pre made cookie dough, like that shit actually slaps. it’s the best it’s so good omg, perfect for lazy hoes 🤧 death here we go ! the order is ur bday, then skz debut date, and then christmas i don’t make the rules sorry sis 😤

pearls are Dangerous, i once drank a smoothie and there were pearls in it and i couldn’t see them bc there were like. only 3 and they were Buried under the smoothie but i choked and almost died but i chewed one of them and it’s like. so weird. HOLLERING AND YODELING IM- i once went to some public yodeling class and left in 2 seconds bc it was a bunch of white boys dressed like the kid from walmart 😪

it’s not even strength i’m actually rly weak,, i always think the doors are closed but they’re not and so i like slam them open and the walls are thin so it’s just. a sad hole. terrible wifi,, my school has pretty good wifi tbh but we have like three connections, one for the chrome books only, one for the teachers & staff, and one for students and guests. like it works rly good but everyone has a VPN bc of stupid social media restrictions 😤 & ilyt 🥺 u would probably win in a fight tho LOL

go ham is so interesting. the first time i heard it i thought it meant go pig and i was so confused but ig,,, i live lathered in sun screen whenever i go somewhere with the sun. ppl are like “i smell sun screen” and im just there like 🙃 it’s me u got a problem u burnt chicken nugget ??? i wish i tanned easily, i have a tan friend and when i showed her when my legs got tan she was so confused. i thought i was tan tho? bc during marching band season my sock tan becomes So Bad i’m basically white. she said she was blinded when she saw me pull my sock down and i laughed so hard LOL & i hate those dumb random tan lines like. where u @ bro? where u come from??

snow is fun for like a day and then i get tired LOL i csn only handle wet socks and a red nose for so long 😔 i tried skiing one time and i did so bad that the instructor had to hold me down and walk with me down the slope. i fell so many times i think he hated me 😳 i’m also rly bad at skating? i went w my friends once and i held both of their hands and still managed to bring both of them down when i fell. a cute guy once helped me when i was struggling to walk so 🥴 not my brightest moment tbh,, trying to walk in skates while on ice. do u enjoy skiing/skating? also gardening is. gross. worms and dirt and the sun i’m not here for it.

u: cappuccinos! me: ...ice bergs,,, now that i think about it fraps kinda suck,,, i used to think i was So Cool for drinking starbucks but now i’m like. wow. i used to think there was coffee in a frap but it’s just. sugar and ice LOL also speaking of tmrw is bogo fraps here,, idk if it’s all over the world but myb u should check it out 😪

dunkins okay it depends on what you get, i once got an iced latte and it was good but my dad got an iced coffee and he like. hated it so we had to switch and it was so bad like. it was coffee crime. it was horrible and not strong it was basically milk 😤 also,, ketchup chip? i just googled what that was and. that’s literally so weird. fun fact i hate ketchup and all other condiments i can only eat bbq sauce and i tolerate steak sauce

UR LITERALLY SO CUTE OKAY UR MINE NOW HHHH

i mentioned this in the other ask but. we going broke bitches club 😪 when u come visit me it’ll be old town road the one w mason ramsey on a loop. nothing will top the og remix but no, i’ll be stuck listening to some 5 year old rap for all of eternity

I USED TO BE SUCH A GOOD KID AND DRINK MILK EVERY MORNING ever since i got to middle school i preferred sleep over waffles and milk and i hardly drink milk but when i do. my stomach does not have it.

my mom made me wash dishes today and she just stared at me when i put ziploc bags on my hands bc we didn’t have gloves but i just painted my nails and i’m not abt to put myself thru chipped nails. not yet 😤 waffles are so good like i love waffles and lattes only 🤧

well i’ll go very ham (am i doing it right LOL) 😤 the angst ending is a lot better than the open ended or happy ones LOL i’m so excited for it 🥺 i’m rly tryna get it out before the end of this month bc the edit says july and it’ll make me Mad if i don’t get it out before the end of this month

i wanna start in september 🤧 and i usually end in the first week of june. also on a wednesday LOL it’s gross. stupid. ap means advanced placement so it’s just. a college level class. lowkey mad bc i’m taking ap euro (as a sophomore 😒) and other schools take it in their senior years? apparently this is normal? and honors are just faster paced classes with more weighting so,, idrk oops 😬 some people take 7 classes in a semester but i took it for the whole year! this year i’m dropping orchestra i’m Not for that spit in the carpet life

the only talent in this house goes by ada and jisung. i don’t make the rules. i’m ur #1 fan 🥺 as soon as u post anything i automatically smash that rb button LOL also put a read more here bc like. we’re really out here writing a whole ass essay. i’ll look @ all our convos bet it’ll be like. a lot. i don’t wanna say smth and be off so i’ll just not. i have a dog! he’s the cutest in the world and i love him sm 🥺 tumblr can fight me first like. what’s this ask limit bull hhhhh

[inactivesimblrr]

get to know me tag!

tagged by @literalite (thank u lamer clone!) n im not tagging anyone bc.............. every1 i think i know has already been tagged so thats calm, there r 125 questions below!

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Pat[REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED]

2. WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME? pat

3. BIRTHDAY? 23rd of nov!!!!! <3 (2001)

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK SERIES? hmhmhnnnn,,,,, lotr, the hobbit, harry potter, anything from the grishaverse,,, idk man i like books a lot,,, the raven cycle,,, hnmgmg,,

5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS OR GHOSTS? aliens 100% i believe in them! ghosts? i mean... i half kind of do half dont but my kind of ghost aint the same as the usual idea of a ghost yanno? mine r nicer <3

6. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? leigh bardugo, tolkien, i would say j.k rowling but shes trash! her books r good tho ://

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION? ??? idk so im gon pretend this means podcast and in that case im listening to the black tapes rn! 

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ANYTHING? matcha or strawberry!!!!!!

9. WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE OFTEN TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING GREAT OR WONDERFUL? thats swag (i began using it ironically but now i cant stop)

10. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONG? uhhh eve or the wonderful world by mark joshua! orrr shiloh by little chief!! 

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD? grinned

12. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO?  walking back to georgia by jim croce

13. WHAT TV SHOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EVERYBODY TO WATCH? honestly.... drop dead diva... im sorry.... but tbh i dont watch tv all that often!! ACTUALLUY HECK i would def recommend merlin the bbc tv series and ofc sherlock the tv series but keep in mind both those recs will rip out your heart MULTIPLE times,

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE TO WATCH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING DOWN? .......... im down all the time lolol but tbh all the harry potter films + the 1st fantastic beasts movie, all the lotr films and all the hobbit films AND sherlock both the rdj and jude law films and then the bbc sherlock christmas special the abominable bride

15. DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? yah! my all time favourite game is tes oblivion!! it has been my fav since i was 6!

16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? my life not working out the way i want to!! i want my life to be happy and long and spent with the people i love and not having 2 worry abt money or health!!!

17. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? i think maybe my ability to find everything funny??

18. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? my temper is beyond vicious honestly like im not kidding my temper is.... disgusting

19. DO YOU LIKE CATS OR DOGS BETTER? birds

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? winter

21. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? nah!

22. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? im still a kid im only 17!!! and uh,, i miss the innocence!! i miss being oblivious!!

23. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? i dont have one!

24. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? brownn w/ a bit of green!

25. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? dark brown!

26. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE? my parents and my family!

27. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU TRUST? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

28. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? jude law, sebastian stan, emma stone

29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY EXCITED ABOUT/FOR SOMETHING? back to school shopping!! also i get to eat fried chicken and cheesecake tonight because even tho my birthday was yesterday im celebrating it today!!!!

30. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST OBSESSION? stationery??? video games?? FOOD??

31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW AS A CHILD? jane and the dragon!

32. WHO OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO, IF ANYONE? i dont know what a male is sorry

33. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? a baby bit only

34. DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL PHOBIAS? n’aw i dont think so!

35. DO YOU PREFER TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND IT? i mean... if i weren’t as ugly as i am id love to be in front of a camera doing fun acting stuff or whatnot! but bc i am ugly im usually behind the camera + i do film at school!

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY? lettering/calligraphy!

37. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? what if its us by becky abertalli + adam silvera (its so cute but the ending was.... not satisfactory...)

38. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? fantastic beasts the crimes of grindelwald!!!

39. WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? used 2 play piano, accordion, and violin! but i dont do tht anymore!

40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL? bird!! 

41. WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 FAVORITE TUMBLR BLOGS THAT YOU FOLLOW? too many 2 pick from !!! im srry!

42. WHAT SUPERPOWER DO YOU WISH YOU HAD? gdgs all of them!!!!! maybe the power to warp reality bc i could do anything then?? a reality where im married to jude law or emma stone? done, a reality where i have all the powers in the world? done

43. WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU FEEL MOST AT PEACE? a cliff somewhere where its cold and the water is vicious underneath!

44. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE? babies, animals, happy couples, pregnant people, old people, a lot of things really!

45. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? i used 2 do karate but now i dont do sports!

46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? idfsng idk! strawberry milkshake maybe?? matcha boba??? milk!!

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER OR NOTE TO SOMEBODY? last week!!! i love handwriting!

48. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? nah!

49. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? ppl who r rude for no reason and also ppl at school who just pick on other ppl for no reason looking at you rahni teagan and the other f*ckheads!!! hope u die literally i know thats a horrible thing to say but you all deserve it

50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? i went to two twenty one pilot concerts!! the first one was in the forum in melbourne and then the other one was a few years or one year later and it was in a sold out stadium!! both were in the mosh! and then idk if this counts as a concert but i went to and did the meet and greet for dan and phil’s first tour! i dont like them anymore tho ! ://

51. ARE YOU VEGAN/VEGETARIAN? no way in HELL!!!!

52. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? a lot of things!!! famous actress, spy, war general, prime minister, pro wrestler, explorer, cartographer, filmmaker, architect, interior designer, dragon, PIRATE

53. WHAT FICTIONAL WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN? i know this is a bad idea but honestly the harry potter universe PROVIDED i had magic!! bc like,,, yah

54. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WORRY ABOUT? a lot of things! my future mainly lol :(

55. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE DARK? no but i gotta say sometimes in the middle of the night when i wake up and the undefined shape my clothes sitting on my desk chair looks like That i get a bit worried yanno it looks like a demon im not gonna lie

56. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? ya but i dont htink im any good at it!

57. HAVE YOU EVER SKIPPED SCHOOL? only due to sickness, funerals, or holidays!

58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE ON THE PLANET? my house! OR the cliffs of moher :o)

59. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? in some old old old european castle in the middle of nowhere on a mountain and next to the sea

60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? nuu :( but i do feed a lot of birds that come to my house and ive named them and love them even if the lorikeets dont love me back which is fine!!!! :(

61. ARE YOU MORE OF AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? early bird i guess

62. DO YOU LIKE SUNRISES OR SUNSETS BETTER? sunsets??

63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? yes! but i dont have my full lisence only my learner’s permit!!

64. DO YOU PREFER EARBUDS OR HEADPHONES? headphones (noise cancelling!!)

65. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? yup!! they were green!!

66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC? soft rock, indie folk, indie-everything mainly except for indie-rock,,, country music dont hate my i love country music as long as its certain country music!! aint having none of this keith urban rubbish in my house!! we only listen 2 the james taylor brand of country music in this house!!! so i guess country folk. folk music in general is my jam!!! i love ballads as well and ofc blues!! theres so many more jbdsgjbas but i cant possibly list all of it!!!

67. WHO IS YOUR HERO? the idea of me living out the future i want if that makes sense!

68. DO YOU READ COMIC BOOKS? yah!!

69. WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANGRY? a lot of things honestly!!!! 2 many to list im really passionate!

70. DO YOU PREFER TO READ ON AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR WITH A REAL BOOK? real book but i read more on electronic devices bc its easy and i dont have to worry about lights !!

71. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? idk!!!!!!!! maybe history!

72. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? nup!! im an only child thanK GOD

73. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? movie tickets to crimes against grindelwald last night!!

74. HOW TALL ARE YOU? i think im like 176cm??

75. CAN YOU COOK? only if i have a recipe! but i can make really good drinks (non alcoholic ofc!!)

76. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE? rainy weather, good literature, my family

77. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE? hubris, wrath, pococurantism

78. DO YOU HAVE MORE FEMALE FRIENDS OR MORE MALE FRIENDS? female

79. WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION? ?????????? who knows

80. WHERE DO YOU CURRENTLY LIVE? australia!!

81. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED? my group chat

82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? my birthday yesterday lol

83. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE YOUTUBER? dont want youtube tht much anymore tbh

84. DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE SELFIES? nah

85. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE APP? procreate

86. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENT(S) LIKE? incredibly close with both parents but fight with my dad like cats n dogs

87. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN ACCENT? irish or strong strong american or posh english also scottish

88. WHAT IS A PLACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO, BUT YOU WANT TO VISIT? israel, republic of ireland, and so many more places like nksgskbgs i cant list them also all the nordic countries

89. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 3

90. CAN YOU JUGGLE? no

91. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? nah 

92. DO YOU FIND OUTER SPACE OF THE DEEP OCEAN TO BE MORE INTERESTING? both!!!!!! 

93. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A DAREDEVIL? daring in terms of i like to do things that could potentially kill me for the adrenaline rush but not daring in terms of introducing myself to other ppl lol

94. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? nah thank GOD

95. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? oui

96. CAN YOU WIGGLE YOUR EARS? non

97. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? ill happily admit i’m wrong provided the other person wasnt a douchebag about it but even then ill admit im wrong! aint no shame in recognising ur wrong ma dude

98. DO YOU PREFER THE FOREST OR THE BEACH? dont like the beach but i love the sea?? so forest i guess bc i dont like sand

99. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU? "two things stand like stone, kindness in another’s trouble, courage in your own” - adam lindsay gordon

100. ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR? an excellent one, but i dislike lying and value honesty so!!

101. WHAT IS YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE? ssssss slytherin!

102. DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF? ya

103. ARE YOU AN INTROVERT OR AN EXTROVERT? cop out answer here but it depends on the situation

104. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL/DIARY? yes

105. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES? depends

106. IF YOU FOUND A WALLET FULL OF MONEY ON THE GROUND, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? try and find the owner and track em down but if i cant ill hand it in to the place where it was lost

107. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE? yes

108. ARE YOU TICKLISH? yes

109. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A PLANE? yes

110. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? ears but theyre closed up!!

111. WHAT FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU WISH WAS REAL? thorin oakenshield

112. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? nah

113. WHAT IS THE BEST DECISION THAT YOU’VE MADE IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR? ? idk man

114. DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? no, too many bad people are living good lives right now

115. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? nope! perfect vision here my dude!

116. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? in the future i want 1 child only

117. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW? my little cousin

118. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY? a Lot

119. HAVE YOU EVER PULLED AN ALL-NIGHTER? a few times only, but i value sleep

120. WHAT COLOR ARE MOST OF YOU CLOTHES? black and green

121. DO YOU LIKE ADVENTURES? hell ya !

122. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV? audience member for the xfactor!

123. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 17

124. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE? “so comes snow after fire, and even dragons have their endings.” -tolkien OR “always seek the giant.”

125. DO YOU PREFER SWEET OR SAVORY FOODS? savoury

[yumidarkheart]

k for the fandom ask!

send me a fandom and i’ll tell you…

The first character i ever fell in love with:

I’m not gonna lie... My first K love was Isana Yashiro (adolf) and I still love him...But the red idiots stole my heart lmao.

A character that i used to love/like, but now do not:

Akiyama Himori.I still like him...But idk, at some point I started to see him as a plain character ans stopped paying attention to him

A ship that i used to love/like, but now do not:

KuroKuri (Kuroh x Kukuri)I don’t hate it on the actual day but I just slowly forgot about it and now it’s kind of meh for me(?)

My ultimate favorite character™:

In this especific order and I can’t talk about faves without think on the other two(?)

- Eric Surt/Soult/whatever go-go wants to call him(?)

Gif by @mikoto-tatara​ (direct tag since the gif search never give me the actual gif -.-)

- Kushina Anna

- Neko (Ameno Miyabi)

Prettiest character:

Everyone in this effing series is pretty tbh...But if I have to choose I’ll say neko without think twice for the girls

And Hisui nagare for the boys

My most hated character:

Mizuchi for being an asshole who experimented on a poor child and pretty much killed her parents when she tried to scape from that hell and also fucked up her whole life (Thanks god homra appeared on the escenario).

I also kinda hate Niki, he as a character is really interesting in the novels but them the movie appeared and I just get exasperated xDU

My OTP:

FUJIERIC FTW!!!

I also like MikoTotsu, Mikoizutotsu, IzuSeri and KuroShiro lol.And the abc homra boys ships in general because I’m a multishipper sucker lmao.

My NOTP:

I couldn’t call it a NOTP, but I’m not a big sarumi fan (blame facebook latinamerican fans).Also ANY SHIP related to Anna that isn’t sukuanna.Also any ship with neko, to me she is mentally a kid, ship her with anyone on me has the same effect as ship Anna with anyone from the main cast and totally repulses me.

Favorite episode:

K Memory of Red: Chapter 6 & 7 (Basashi Panic)

K project: 01. Knight (Great exposition) & 06. Karma (I like to hurt myself with my 2 fav clans lol)

K Return of Kings: 01. Knave (cuz homra foes speaking and interacting and I’ll admit it...I fell for the fanservice of the first part with everyone fighting and I keep laughing over Awashima shameless hentai like fanservice because my humor sense sucks) & 09. Kids Room (Interesting plot points and the formal izuseri it’s a A+++)

K Seven Stories: Memory of Red: BURN.

Saddest death:

Mikoto’s death...I mean Totsuka’s death hurts as hell and after MoR (Manga and movie) it’s painful as fuck, but it’s a plot point and it was an announced event years before it happened by Anna, so even if it’s painful and everytime I see it I cry a little, Mikoto’s death it’s sadder for me.He is a man with a serious depression that was never treaten, his biggest “stabilizer” was one of his best friends who was a frigging moron. His friend gets murdered, and in a horrible way, it was recorded and it was in the birthday eve of one of his most dearest people on his life, Anna. He get unstable and get blinded by the rage and pain and only wanted revenge, even if that means he can die in the process and let his other best friend behind with a little girl and all this boys who stimated him so much. Then he finally get his revenge but hw knows he can’t scape his fate, no matter how he see it he can only die, so he practically forced one of the persons he trusted the most to finish what he started, knowing there could be consecuences but just giving up since he knows he can’t do anything else. Giving his last words to the one he knows would be more affected for his actions because she will be now alone in a colorless world.

Yeah when you compare the contexts...Mikoto’s death it’s hella sad...

(I also think nagare’s death was sad but I’m more salty over how slightly unfair it was rather than how sad it was)

Favorite season:

Season one. K project, even with a lowest bucked have a better direction on scenes, fights and script. The fanservice wasn’t obsene at all, Go Hands didn’t abused of the CGI and managed to make a good balance between CGI, photography and actual classic animation and gives you an interesting mistery that even if you could solve it in like chapter 4 still makes you wonder what is going to happen.

Least favorite season:

K Return of Kings.

MAN I HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH THIS SEASON I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE HECK TO START OKAY!!!???

It has a horrible script direction, things start ridicoulusly slow and then it’s like gora remembered they only have 13 chapters to finish it all and make everything so fast its absurb. it took 4 CHAPTERS for the actual protagonist to appear and even when shiro appeared it didn’t gives a big impact until chapter 6 or something like that. Nagare it’s an interesting antagonist but the way go/go settle him don’t give much chance for people to care much about his cause until the last shapters (and it was because they aired Dream of Green at the same time of the series itself because if not it would be hard to get attached to the green clan out of certain escenes) and then the friggin kings battle of the tower came.

MAN I HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS WITH THIS BATTLE!!!

Munakata and Iwafune’s fight it’s good, it’s normal to think iwa-san have more experience in batlle since after Adolf, he is the oldest king there, he is from an old generation of kings and participated on the kagutsu disaster and lost everything there, and for the aparent nature of his powers it’s kiiind of credible for him to overcome munakata sicne he can go on a offensive and defensive way thanks to his fog thing...BUT WHAT IT’S THE EXCUSE FOR THEY TO JUST PUT ANNA AND SHIRO ASIDE!? I’m sorry go/go I’m not going to swallow that thing that iwafune’s sadness it’s so frigging strong to let anna unable to move. Yeah, she is empathetic, she can feel other people emotions and read minds for her strain powers. But thats a excuse and we all know it, you just didn’t know what to do with the little bird lolita who can use fire and with her aura put on a complicated corner iwafune because he can hide but not scape a fire wall. I can understand shiro step back since he is a pacifist and it’s not used to fight, but you showed us Anna learned to fight and use her aura for offense so if you’re not going to use her i could be better to idk, actually knock her out not inmovilize her with iwafune’s crippling depression??Also what’s the excuse for neither Kuroh or Shiro to stop the effing elicopter with the slate when it was in a close height???? Seriously the plot conveniences on that chapter are so much that it stressing and more when you did it so great on the first season and even on the movie before this???

And I could be rambling about the script problems for hours but I’m not a youtuber and neither a critic so I’ll let it here for this...

Also don’t make me start with the fanservice... Ussually I don’t pay mind on fanservice, I even find it hilarant, but here was so overbold and in your face it was actually irritating.

Character that everyone else in the fandom loves, but I hate am not so invested in:

Yata and Saruhiko, I don’t hate them but I’m just not sooo invested in them as the whole fandom is. LSW make me understand them better and stop hating them but still if I can choose, I can keep ignoring their existence and it isn’t going to affect at all y fandom experience.

My ‘you’re piece of trash, but you’re still a fave’ fave:

Can I say Eric and his sass tongue? no?Okay then, Shizume’s don juan Yoh Chitose and his impulsive ass of a king Suoh Mikoto lol

My ‘beautiful cinnamon roll who deserves better than this’ fave:

Totsuka Tatara even if he is more like a SINnamon roll...But he actually deserved better lol.Also Anna, please let this kid have a rest with her family full of stupid big brothers and her step father the stressed bartender who is going to kick everyone with a chancla at this rate after get drunk(?).

Also Fujishima just for that short story with the friggin octopus, the baby just wanted a pet why you’re so cruel gora???(?)

My ‘this ship is wrong, nasty, and makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it’ ship:

Any ship with that surpass the father like relationships.Read as: MikoAnna, IzuAnna,ShiNeko, IwaHi (Iwafune x Nagare), IwaSuku.Also any ship between the main cast and the underage characters.Read as: SaruAnna, YataAnna, NagaSuku, YukaSuku.

My ‘they’re kind of cute, and I lowkey ship them, but i’m not too invested’ ship: 

- ReiSeri. I see them more as co-wrkers but they have cute shipping material.

- AkiSaru. I ship them for the aesthetic lol.

- YukarixNagare (I forgot the ship name lol). They’re cute and have a good chemical, but I’m not that invested into them.

- Most of ABC scepter4 ships. Sorry I’m not too invested in this clan but they have good shipping material that I can appreciate even if they’re not my favs.

[nane-anime-art]

Long rant about my dad . Maybe just enjoy the image and keep scrolling lol 

Honestly, it’s a long rant. IDK why you clicked the read more link. But here we are I guess.

It’s complicated. Growing up, I was daddy’s little girl. Always have been, and I guess I made the assumption I always would be. When I was a child, we played video games together, we went to basketball games, we watched kids cartoons together, and we hung out a lot. I remember when he first bought the Xbox. He told me I couldn’t watch him play Halo because it was violent, but he let me hang out with him while he played anyways so long I was quiet. Over time, he let me play Halo too, and by high school, I was kicking his ass at Halo, and was better than every other Halo player in my school. By college, I was making him proud by being a student with a 3.95 GPA, perusing 3 studies, while working 2-3 jobs. By graduation, I was the laziest snowflake millennial he had ever met, and I never appreciated anything he had ever done for him, and I was in financial cahoots with his bitch of an ex-wife, and the only reason I didn’t have a job was because I was hadn’t been applying and was going on some elaborate vacation.

He made assumptions, and none of it was true (except for the fact I’m a liberal millennial). My graduation gift from him was $50, getting that speech, and getting kicked out of the house. He then proceeded to hand me my car insurance bill as well as the cat we’ve had since I was six, and told me to find her a home (I drove her 7 hours to my mother’s house). I understand I’m an adult at this point, and have a level or responsibility. But the sentiment was not at all what I, or anyone that knew us while I was growing up, would have expected. He also didn’t need to kick out the cat - she’s done nothing wrong. Neither have I.

My parents divorced two years ago – as an only child, it was tough. But as an adult child, I understood both sides. My mom really had been upset. My dad didn’t treat her with respect. The divorce wasn’t a surprise – my mom had been talking to me about it for about 5 years before. She probably shouldn’t have done that, but I don’t really think it matters either way because I think I realized they would get a divorce at some point maybe a couple years even before my mom started talking about it. They fought all the time. They jumped to conclusions. They didn’t listen to each other, and instead they just fought. They were both at fault.

I was the center of their worlds. They treated each other like crap, and disagreed a lot. The only exception was me. I was the only thing they agreed on. Consistently. Pros – they didn’t fight over me. Cons- I heard everything in stereo. I was close with both of them. I had a great relationship with my mother, and a great relationship with my father. They never treated me with the same disrespect they treated each other with.  

The divorce was messy – I knew it would be. 8 months of lawyers fighting. They went to court twice. Twice. That’s not how that should work. But they fought so much both their lawyers got tired of them and let them go to court a second time.

Of course, when you pay two lawyers for 8 months, it’s expensive as hell. Also, when you take an entire person’s income out of the picture, you’re gonna be left with a lot less money. Mom says she got cheated financially with the divorce. Dad says he got cheated financially with the divorce. Both parents think the other bugged their car/house/etc. I’m not sure what’s true and what’s not. Their relationship - their divorce is none of my business beyond the fact they’re both in mourning of some sort. I tried to be there for them equally.

Of course, with less money, that meant less college funds for me. My dad didn’t feel like he could afford it, so I kept working the job I hated, worked more at my second job, and even started working a 3rd job. I went from paying 50% of my college tuition to 75% to 80% at a private school my parents had pushed. No one works 3 jobs while in college for fun. It didn’t cover what my dad felt like he needed, but it was the best I could do. I would have died if I had gotten a 4th job.

I kept a straight face and my mouth shut while I listened to my dad vent, and say horrible things about my mom, and then follow it up with a simple “oh sorry. I probably shouldn’t say that about your mother” and a smirk like that fixed anything (my mom did the same thing too – it wasn’t just him).

I didn’t say anything when the collection of bottles in the cabinet kept growing.

When my dad got drunk off his ass one night, I drove to the bar to pick him up and drive him home, but he demanded we go to StarWars instead. I babysat him at the movies, until he passed out the second the trailers started, and then snored the whole movie. That was my Christmas weekend.

When he forgot about Christmas, I told him it was fine, and gave him my gift anyways.

He stopped grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning. I tried to cover, but he never noticed.

When he started dating again, I gave him dating advice.

When he told me to not tell my mom he started dating again, I agreed (ironically that same day my mom asked me for the same favor)

After his first breakup with a girlfriend, I canceled my plans with my mom and hung out with him while he stared off in space for a few hours and refused to acknowledge my existence.

I canceled plans with my mother to hang out with him when he asked.

I canceled plans with my boyfriend to hang out with him – my dad was in grieving, what else was I supposed to do?

I made sure to not voice my thoughts regarding the divorce, because he would have thought I had taken a side in the matter – which I never did. I never grieved the divorce because I was focused on helping my parents grieve.

I didn’t complain about the job I hated that brought back thoughts I hadn’t had in over a year. I didn’t want him to feel like I was trying to get out of paying my college bills.

When my dad started dating a second time, I was supportive of his relationship – even though he couldn’t stop saying mean things about my boyfriend of 5 years. He had no respect for a person in my life that is clearly important to me.

After he started dating, I got to hang out with him about 5 times one-on-one in the course of 2 years. But it was fine because his girlfriend made him happier (even though their relationship was emotionally abusive – but not as bad as my parent’s marriage had been). She went everywhere with us, even though my boyfriend was never invited.

He started yelling at me more, and treating me with the same disrespect he had shown my mother.

We celebrated the month of my dad’s birthday and then celebrated the month of his girlfriend’s birthday. But on my birthday my dad was busy (with a date with his girlfriend) and couldn’t hang out with me. So we had sushi the day before my birthday, where he admitted he had entirely forgotten about my birthday

The day after my birthday, I got home and found out my dad’s girlfriend broke up with him on my birthday because he “hung out too much” with me, and that I was a “heathen”. My dad took my side and packed up her stuff in the house for her to take. I got to hang out with him for a whole week. I canceled plans with my friends to spend time with him because I hadn’t hung out with him in what seemed like forever. I kept an eye on the liquor cabinet, but he yelled at me less, and joked more. I finally thought he would start acting like he used to… like my dad!.... Until him and his ex got back together….

And now we’re here.

It’s hard because one of my biggest motivators doesn’t care. He does. But he doesn’t. It’s hard. He seems upset too. I know he’s just jumped to conclusions that are incorrect, so I don’t take his words too closely, but I do understand that he’s mad at me and disappointed with me whether his reasons are valid or not.

I have other supporters, who’s support I really do appreciate, and they’re support helps a lot! I will get a job, a good one, and things will get better, but it’s hard. I think I want to have a good relationship with my father. But I don’t trust him, and I don’t think I ever will again.

This picture is from a trip we took in high school to visit his parents. We went kayaking, and it was a great memory. I don’t want to hate my dad, but I think I do right now. I’m not sure how I feel. It’s complicated. And I’m not sure if I want to have a good relationship with him in the future, or if I just want to cut his toxicity out of my life.

This post was long, and I really hope no one actually read it. But I needed to vent, and this is the only way I know how to do that.

[mamaimpala67]

Scars

Words: 3386

Warning(s): Language, Self Harm, Drug Use, Depression, Song Fic

Request: Hey❣️Can I get a deanxSamxlittlesis story? She lives w/ them but she's feisty & always gets into trouble? She hides her self-harm scars & lies about it but they slowly figure it out & confront her force/her to show them? She tries to run away & they're both mad bc this isn't the first time & she had promised to stop. Time goes by & they find her cutting again & on drugs & is dangerously skinny & they're furious/confused but Cas comes & tells the boys about her eating disorder? Idk I need this rn

Glancing down the hallway, you ducked into the bathroom that was directly between yours and your brother’s room. As you entered, you turned and locked the door, letting out a sigh. You pulled the pack of unmarked cigarettes out from the inside pocket of your jacket. You walked to the toilet, sat down on the lip and took one of the sloppily rolled joints from the package and grabbed the lighter from the front pocket of your jean shorts. Placing the cig between your lips, you flicked on the lighter, and used the other hand to cup the flame before you lit the end of the joint, inhaling a large puff of the smoke. You clicked the lighter shut and shoved it back into your pocket. Pulling the joint away from your lips, you let a cloud of smoke flow from your lips and your nostrils.

The jean jacket that Sam and Dean had gotten you for your birthday was riding up on your arms, exposing the faded and fresh scars that riddled your wrists and forearms. Most were horizontal, but a select few of them were vertical. Each scar represented something to you - a continuous line of failures that came from your life and your actions. The longer the line, the more serious the failure. Using your stained fingernails, you began to trace each scar and even began to sketch invisible lines into your skin where you planned on expanding on your collection later on in the day.

You took another drag and let it out. The cloud of smoke began to dance around your head before spreading to the rest of the room. Already, the drug was beginning to take affect on you. You took a glance at the lit end of the drug and shook your head. It was stronger than last time. You specifically told Scott that you wanted the same strength as you got before. You shrugged and inhaled it again. You paid the same price for a stronger drug. It was Scott that was losing the money, not you.

The joint didn’t take that long to finish, considering the long drags you too. Once it was down to nothing but a small, lit nub, you glanced at it and rolled up your sleeve. Near the joint that connected your forearm with your upper arm, you pressed the end of the cigarette to your arm, hissing at the burning sensation you got from it. The smell of burning skin and marijuana filled the rest of the bathroom, creeping underneath the door and seeping into the rest of the Men of Letter’s bunker.

Suddenly, a loud hammering sound came from the door. The wooden door rattled with the force of the knock. This caused you to jump and drop the joint on the floor. You sighed and picked it up.

“(Y/N)!?” Sam’s voice came from outside and he sounded pissed, like your brothers normally were when they were around you. “What the hell are you doing in there?”

“Taking a shit!” You called back and shook your head.

“Bullshit. Come out here, now.” He growled.

Already, your eyes were starting to get bloodshot and you had a strong urge to buy some bacon soda. You put the end of the joint inside of the box that Scott had given you and then stood up, putting the pack back inside of your jacket, standing up straight. You rubbed your hands down your face and then shook your head frantically. You walked over to the sink and turned on the cold water. It shook you awake and made you shiver. You took your time to wash your hands in the ice cold water. When you were done, however, you shook your hands, the water splashing on the mirror and the corner of the sink and wall. You then turned and opened the door. Sam stood there, blocking your exit. His arms were crossed angrily.

“You were smoking.” He stated.

You shook your head and looked down. ‘I wasn’t smoking.” You mumbled under your breath.

Sam uncrossed his arms and tilted your chin up. You closed your eyes. Without asking, Sam used his index and middle finger to open up your eye. You pushed his hand away. He could see the red color that covered your eyes. He shook his head.

“You’re high.” He said.

“No, I’m not.” You told him and shook your head.

“Give me the drugs.” He held out his hand.

You narrowed your eyes. “I don’t have any.”

Sam shook his head. He grabbed your wrist and pulled you out from the way of the bathroom. He put your arm behind your back, causing a whine to fall from your lips. He began to pat you down, moving from your back to your front. He felt the bulge in your jean pocket and opened your jacket, pulling out the pack of joints. Your eyes widened.

“Give it back!” You shouted and tried to reach for the pack. Sam held it out of your reach and opened it, seeing the bumpy, white rolls. He narrowed his eyes at you.

Without saying anything else, Sam let you go and stormed down the hallway. You began to panic, panting as you ran after him and tried to grab the pack from him, but it was all to no avail. He held the pack right above his head so that you were unable to reach it. Tears brimmed the corners of your eyes.

“Give it!” You shouted, voice shaky.

Sam led you to the kitchen where Dean sat, munching on his lunch. Once Dean saw the two of you, he frowned.

“What’s going on here?” He asked.

“I found her smoking again.” He said as he tossed the pack to Dean. You tried to retrieve it, but was unable to before he caught it and brought it close to himself.

“Give it, please!” You began to sob childishly.

Dean stared at the pack of drugs and growled. He stood up. He walked over to the counter, took the joints out of the pack and began to break them apart. Your eyes widened. “No!” You screamed as you tried to grab them. Dean turned on the water and began to flush the individual pieces down the drain. You stared down with watery eyes. Your lip quivered and your hands shook violently. You began to hit Dean weakly with your fists. “Are you stupid!?’ You shouted.

Dean grabbed your wrists and stopped you from hitting him any longer. His eyes were filled with a mixture of disappointment and anger. You sobbed, as if you had lost someone close to you. Your knees started to feel weak.  

“I paid two-hundred dollars for those!” You cried. “You threw away two-hundred dollars!”

“I don’t care (Y/N),” Dean shouted. His hands moved from your wrists so that he could grasp your shoulders roughly. He shook you. “Why do you feel like you need to do drugs, huh!? You shouldn’t do it! If we catch you doing it again, there’s going to be some consequences.”

“I’m twenty years old, you can’t tell me what to do.”

Dean growled. “Yes, I can, and I will.” He let go of your arms. “Go to your room.”

“No.” You clenched your fist.

“Go to your room, (y/n).”

“No.” You felt the tears flow down your face.

“Go!” Dean pointed to the door.

You inhaled and felt as if you were going to fight back, but you just clenched your fist tightly and stormed out of the room. You ran to your room and slammed the door shut. You collapsed onto your bed, curled into a ball, and began to cry. Within seconds, you tossed off your jacket and reached for the knife that you kept underneath your pillow for safety. There was a small section of dried blood located at the tip of the blade. You knew, that night, you were going to add some new stains to the knife.

Twenty minutes later, you had cut three horizontal lines into the tops of your arms. The blood was dripping down your forearm and landing on the bed sheets that you didn’t plan on changing. You eyed the backpack that was in the corner of the room. With eyes wide, you tossed the knife onto the floor and ran to the backpack, grabbing it. You began to throw clothes from your dresser and closet into the bag, not taking note on what you were taking and what you were leaving. It didn’t take long for you to fill the bag to the top. You took two minutes to try and close it. Stuffing your phone and wallet into your jean shorts, you put your jean jacket on and headed out of the room.

At that moment, you were not going to let anyone stop you. Not Dean. Not Sam. Not yourself. Not anybody. Your eyes, bloodshot and tired-looking, hid a look of determination behind the high. You stormed passed the kitchen and by the library, making your way up the stairs. You heard a pair of footsteps behind you that were frantically rushing towards you. Before you could even reach the door, long arms wrapped around you and picked you up. You let out a scream and kicked your feet.

“Let me go!” You screamed, growling.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Dean asked as he carried you down the stairs.

“I’m leaving.” You said. “And I’m gonna get a place of my own so that I can-”

“What!?” Sam spoke. “Get high and then die on your own?”

“At least I’ll die doing something that I love.” You growled.

Dean rolled his eyes and set you down, turning you around. He placed his hands firmly on the same spot that he had before, which was the exact same spot that you had cut merely twenty minutes ago. You winced. Dean frowned and hesitated before he pushed your jacket off, pulling your arm towards him. He saw the three lines that you had created and his expression slowly softened.

“(Y/N),” He breathed and studied the scars. He looked at you and shook his head. “You told us you stopped.”

“I also told you that I stopped taking drugs.” You mumbled and shook your head carelessly.

Dean looked at Sam, who had a sympathetic look and a long frown on his lips. He shook his head. Dean went to pull you into a hug but you shoved him away. You stared at the two of them. The silence between the three of you was horrible and deadly. When the brothers had nothing to say, all you could do was shake your head and snatch your jacket away from Dean before storming off to your room.

“(Y/N),” Dean breathed, reaching for you. You kept walking, though. He looked at Sam and gestured down to you. “Follow her.” He said. “Make sure she doesn’t do anything.”

Sam nodded as he began to walk after you as you made the trek down the hallway to your bedroom. When you reached it, you stood inside for a minute before you went to slam the door shut, but Sam’s hand stopped the door. You snarled, scrunching your nose up and glaring at your brother as he tried to push the door open. You shook your head.

“Get off Sam.” You said in a small and weak voice.

“Please, (Y/N), let me in.” He begged.

You shook your head and pressed your hand against his chest firmly, shoving him away and slamming the door, locking it. You turned your back and pressed your back to the door, sliding down it. Fresh tears began to form within your eyes. You sat there, quietly, and sobbed.

Dean was bending over the table, palms pressed firmly against the glossy surface. His eyes were closed as his brother entered.

“She locked herself in her room.” Sam informed him.

Dean frowned, his head shooting up at the news. He glanced at Sam with wide and worried eyes. “She what!?”

“Locked herself in her room.”

Dean stood up straight. ‘We have to get that door open.” He said before he turned and hurried out of the room. Before he could get far, however, Sam grabbed his arm. Dean furrowed his brows. “Sam, what the hell are you doing? She might hurt herself.”

“And you really think that tearing her door off will help? All we’ve done is hound on her over and over again and does it look like it’s working?”

Dean opened his mouth, but slowly closed it, his shoulder slouching. “What do you say we do then?”

Sam sighed and shook his head. ‘I don’t know.” He said. “Maybe...maybe Cas can help?”

“What will I be able to help with?” The familiar deep, gruff voice echoed throughout the library and the brothers turned towards the angel. Castiel had his head cocked to the side.

“We caught (Y/N) smoking again.” Sam explained. “And...and cutting herself, and now she won’t let us into her room. Do you think that you can flash into her room and see if she is alright?”

“Sam, she put up wards to keep angels out, remember?” He raised a brow. “But I can read her thoughts if you would like.”

“Yes, yes, please do that.” Dean said frantically, running his fingers through his short hair.

Castiel gave a small nod. He closed his eyes, scrunching up his face to concentrate. The boys waited patiently for the news.

“She’s sitting in front of her door,” he began. “Crying. She’s...thinking about how she’s a failure. About how you and Sam both hate her.”

Sam and Dean both frowned. “We don’t hate her.”

“She thinks you two do.”

Sam shook his head head. “We don’t hate her. Her drug addiction is out of control.” He said.

“She spent two hundred dollars on joints.” Dean said.

Castiel opened his eyes. “(Y/N) thinks she’s a disappointment to the two of you for doing all the drugs.”

Sam looked down. “Dean, it makes sense.” He said.

“What?”

“She’s hurt because she thinks that we’re disappointed in her, so she turns to the cutting, so then she turns to drugs to hide the pain, and then she thinks we are disappointed in her for taking the drugs. It’s one big circle. Wash, rinse, repeat.” He said.

Dean frowned, glanced at the ground, and then at Sam. ‘You’re right.” He said. “Well, what’re we going to do?”

“Why don’t you two try talking to her?” Castiel said and shrugged.

“She won’t open the door.” Dean shook his head.

“It still doesn’t hurt to try.” He said.

Dean looked at Sam, giving him a small nod. Him and Sam walked through the hallway to your door. They frowned and walked slowly once they got close enough. Your sniffles and cries could be heard. Sam and Dean frowned, glancing at each other. It hurt them to hear you cry and to hear what you thought. Their hearts clenched at the thought of you ending your life from the cuts or from an overdose. It would hurt them to see you go, and a part of them didn’t think that you saw that.

Sam walked up to the door first, knocking on it gently with his knuckles. “(Y/N)?” His voice was soothing, calm, and collected. “(Y/N), can we talk to you?’

No response but your cries.

Dean stepped closer to the door, eyes averted to the ground. “(Y/N)?”

Again, only cries.

The brothers met eyes with one another. Sam shook his head and turned around. He decided to sit down on the ground, back leaning against the door. Dean frowned, but followed. Sam knew what he was doing. He was a smart kid and knew how to handle you better than either of them, especially when the three of you were younger.

“(Y/N)?”

“(Y/N), please talk to us.”

“Please?”

They would go back and forth with talking, trying to edge you into talking to them. Still, you gave them the silent treatment. For awhile, they said nothing, not able to think of anything else comforting enough. Suddenly, Sam raised his brows.

“You got your phone on you?” He asked.

Dean furrowed his brows. “Yeah, why?”

“Let me see it.”

Dean grabbed his phone from his pocket and handed it to his brother. Sam searched through his playlists before he selected a song, putting the volume at full blast, setting it right in between them. Dean gave him a confused expression before the song began to play. Dean then raised his brows and nodded as the music began to flow through the tiny speakers on the device.

I heard there was a secret chord,

That David played and it pleased the lord

But you don’t really care for music

Do ya?

It goes like this

The fourth the fifth

The minor fall and the major lift

The baffled king composing Hallelujah.

The cries from your room slowly seized. The boys glanced at each other as the music continued to play. Shuffling was heard from your room before the door slowly opened.

I did my best, it wasn’t much

I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch

I told the truth

I didn’t come to fool ya

And even though it all went wrong

I’ll stand before the lord of song

With nothing on my tongue but

Hallelujah

Sam and Dean stayed sitting on the ground as they looked up at you. Your eyes were bright red from a mixture of the drugs and tears. That song, Sam knew, was the only way to get you out of the room. It was the one song that you grew up on. The one that used to be sung to you when you were down and depressed. It worked back then and, not surprisingly, it worked now.

You walked over to them and collapsed between them. They caught you in their arms and brought you close to them. You sobbed. Sam and Dean placed one of their hands on your back and began to rub it smoothly. Your heart rate began to slow and you moved closer to them.

“We love you (Y/N),” Sam said. “And we just want you to be safe.”

“I hate seeing you when you’re like this, kid.” Dean said. “When you have those red eyes. Your eyes are so beautiful, why would you do this to yourself?”

You sobbed, cries coming out of your mouth in a high pitch. “I don’t know.” You admitted, tears falling to the floor and covering the phone that played the music.

Sam and Dean sighed. “We’re here for you.” Sam said.

“Yeah, we’ll never leave you. We just want you to get better. To be happy. To be yourself again.”

You shook as the sobs slowly came to a halt. You sat up, eyes wide and hands shaking, rattling like an earthquake. “Help me…” You whispered, lip quivering. “Help me.”

It broke their heart to see you that vulnerable, but it made them feel relief to know that you were asking for the one thing that they knew you would have denied one short hour ago. They both nodded. Dean leaned forward and cupped your cheeks.

“We will help you in any way that we can.” He said, giving you a confident nod.

You stared into his eyes, searching for that look of disappointment that you always saw on a daily basis. That day, however, the illusion seemed to vanish. All you could see was strength and love within his emerald orbs. Looking over, into Sam’s eyes, you could see the exact same thing. No longer the invisible disappointment, but the love and adoration that you distinctly remember being present when the three of you were younger. It made your chest warm up. With a nod, you leaned into their touches, sniffling. As you felt yourself relax into their hold, the sorrow no longer filling your heart, but rather the joy and relief that you had been wrong the entire time, you heard the song slowly fade, the words marking the moment with the one thing that saved you and your relationship with your brothers.

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah…..

[yaminerua]

Y’all I am seriously not having a good time rn

And like yeah literally no-one is because this year is a fucking disaster but god..... I feel like I’m getting backed onto the edge of a cliff by stress...

I’m sorry I’ve been slow with commissions and barely got any new art done but man I just don’t have the emotional or physical energy to...

This year has been one year after another of stressful or upsetting things even just in my personal life alone and that’s not even INCLUDING the state of the world and everything else going on...

Like god my papa died this year and I knew he was going to eventually because cancer is a fucking Bitch but it happened faster than anyone thought only a few days before the UK’s lockdown was finally put in place. So I couldn’t go to the funeral. But my aunt had said even before we knew we wouldn’t be allowed that if my brother and I showed up there’d be a war. Because of all the Stupid Family Nonsense that has just been swirling and bubbling and frothing over the years. My gran is torn between wanting me to visit cos I’d be good company and hating my guts because of all the Shit that’s happened.

I dunno how to abridge it... it’s mostly them rewriting history or just straight up misinterpreting the ways or reasons things happened and pinning it all on my dad, his family, and my and my brother instead of the actual people who fucked everything up, those being the crooked lawyers who fucked us over 20 years ago, my mum after her meltdown changed her into a horrible person and her family who tried to gaslight, kidnap, blackmail and manipulate us all the fuckin way.

We were terrified of them because they tried to kidnap us and keep us from dad, tried to lie to us and change the way events unfolded by telling us completely false versions of events despite the fact we were present for most of them and they absolutely did not play out the way they wanted us to believe. Tried to brainwash us against my dad and his family and then turned around and tried to say that him and his family were trying to brainwash us against THEM.

So much distress and upset happened whenever we visited and other things happened that were just plain terrifying fear-for-our-lives shit that we just. Didn’t feel safe going over anymore. But they refuse to accept that. And think we just cut them off and abandoned them (which is rich since actually the cutting off happened from their end first but, again, they loooove to rewrite history).

So all of that mess is being continuously dug up to guilt trip us and make us feel bad because our cousins hate us, my aunt Despises us, and my gran wobbles in between of wanting to see us and also despising us too.

I made an effort to rebuild the bridges that had been burnt because I wanted my papa to know I didn’t hate him and that I wanted him to see me again and know that an effort was being made to patch things up because I knew that was what he wanted. And he never deserved to have been cut off from us. It was the women in the family who were being the assholes and he was just for the most part caught up in it.

He was so happy to see me and happy to think the family was beginning to come together again. Unfortunately his daughter and her sons do not respect his wishes. And my mum flip flops because she’s still affected by what happened to her more than 15 years ago. Her head got so messed up by all the legal stress and the brainwashing from her mum and sister that she just. Doesn’t remember what was real or what was false anymore. But also won’t ever listen to our side because it’s Wrong By Default.

So we ‘abandoned’ her in her eyes and she will Always try to Remind us. of that and all the other bullshit she wants us to believe.

My phone anxiety is directly related to her and Now I have to talk to her everyday because my papa’s death unfortunately opened up the communications that I’d forced closed for years to protect my own mental health.

But this year has just been ‘fuck your mental health’ so. naturally that wish gets kicked out the window and the phone can’t be refused anymore.

Sometimes the calls are ok. She talks about herself for 2 hours and then that’s it. other times it becomes a rant, an attempt to convince, an attempt to deliberately make me feel awful and Oh Boy is she Good At That. And I can’t hang up on her because that pisses her off More and then she’ll write a horrible email to my brother where she tries to pull the same shit on him and I refuse to have him have to deal with that because for SOME FUCKIN REASON she only pulls this shit on the phone with me and NEVER DOES THIS TO HIM.

God. Why.

Anyway that’s just one thing that’s persistent and continuous. And I make myself sadder about it watching old home videos we found from 20 years ago. One of them I’d never seen was the literal day I was born and it.... it shook me so much I broke down watching it. It’s like watching good days, innocent days when all seemed well, knowing the future and how wretched and awful and deeply traumatising the years ahead are for that little kid who has no idea what’s awaiting them.

Cue lockdown and my dad and brother and I are looking after my granny. She had a stroke 2 years ago, hit her head on a cabinet and had constant UTIs for months and then had another stroke last year and as a result her mind is foggier than it used to be and her mobility isn’t what it was so she requires a lot of constant watch and care.

None of this is her fault, but I’m just not built for the long-run in a carer position. The first year put me into a meltdown, and I had another worse one last year and I was dreading if there would be one this year because I’d felt so on-edge and burnt out.

And then lockdown happened and the chances to get away for a bit of respite to recharge my batteries went out the window. Dad had no help to balance his work calls which sometimes went on all day, and granny. Other than me, but for reasons I have yet to finally have an answer for, my body has just been having problem after problem that leaves me drained and/or in pain and less able to do the physical help I was doing before. Doing the cooking and washing up to take it off dad, and getting up to keep an eye on granny or help her with personal care like I used to.

I’ve had this goddamn pain that doctors haven’t been able to find a diagnosis for since April now and it’s just become more and more limiting and I’m on a waiting list to get referred and god only knows when that will actually end up happening.

Doctors suggested it might have been stress that brought it on and the response to that is usually to reduce stressors but like. My life is the stressor so idk how to fix that. I can’t get away because guilt and stress over dad having to handle it all would follow me anywhere I went anyway even if i COULD go somewhere else for a break.

My uncles aren’t very helpful either. One makes excuses not to come and help and the other WILL go on a throwing out spree if he was to come in and I cannot trust him to not throw out important sentimental stuff without a second thought as to whether it was wanted because he’s done that before.

Plus that one has had his own health scares and even had a bit of a mental health crisis in the middle of the year which was probably brought on by the isolation and distancing stuff lockdown brought about.

One major contributor to the daily stress was the nagging worry that there was gonna be a Major Event this year that hadn’t happened yet. There’ve been major events that put granny is hospital without fail every year for the past... 4 but maybe even 5 years. It felt inevitable. But also terrifying because hospital felt like the worst place for her to go this year with all the virus stuff happening...

We had carers coming in to help with her but they weren’t really that... great. Wore their masks under their noses, didn’t self isolate when they got sick before they could get tests and lo and behold, despite the fact I hadn’t been out anywhere and the only contact I had beyond my own family were the carers, I got a cold which thankfully really was Just a Cold.

Not wanting to risk granny even getting a cold I stuck to my room and only came out to use the toilet or grab food/drink and all times I left my room I wore a mask and used sanitiser before I even left the room so I wouldn’t put anything on any surfaces. I was careful.

But either I wasn’t careful enough, or whoever gave ME the cold passed it to dad as well. Because then he got sick. And he didn’t have the option to distance himself from granny. Because I was still sick too and my brother Doesn’t do the personal care. So he wore a mask and tried to look after her while coughing and sneezing his guts out.

We thought we were gonna be ok. But then it happened. She got the cold anyway. We think it was a different carer who gave her it because this one was Really Hacking Up A Lung with her. Mask on still but, idk, the hands on care means you’re up real close and even a mask doesn’t stop everything. Plus this woman would pull her mask down to speak sometimes it was....?????

So granny got a cough and cold and we prayed it wasn’t covid and thankfully it doesn’t seem to have been. She’d had a cold in february so we thought ok if we just keep looking after her and help her fight it off we’ll be ok.

September 11th, one day before her birthday, at half 7 in the morning dad woke me up yelling for me to grab the phone so he could call an ambulance.

She was slumped against him in the top floor landing, face drooping, unresponsive and making deep loud groans that sounded honestly like a cow’s moo. It was an awful sound.

It then progressed to a weird rattly, wet breath. Like you’re trying to suck the last water out through a straw in a cup with just ice in it. Like a rattly snore but from the throat and not the nose.

Ambulance came and they said her blood pressure was high and still rising. She was absolutely unresponsive and cold and clammy to touch. The only response they could get was pinching her ear and she let out a loud pained groan.

They took her away and it was later just assumed to be a chest infection so she was put on antibiotics.

I think just. The accumulated stress of everything else just. Hit me like a train. It’s horrible to be relieved to get a break because someone’s gone into hospital because it felt like there was no other way you were going to get a break. But I felt so burnt out it happened anyway and I feel awful for it. my body was in so much pain and my head and everything was just exhausted from stress and exhaustion in general.

She wasn’t in very long though and I think before we knew it was a chest infection related collapse we’d all assumed it was a third stroke and thought she was going to be in for as long as she had the last few times to rehabilitate.

I honestly hate what ended up happening next.

The stress of it all just blew up and I had several days of frequent uncontrollable panic attack-type meltdowns.

I just. I lost complete control of myself. Slamming my head against the wall and floor and counters, scratching my arms, pulling my hair out and just.... screaming so loudly my throat was so so raw. This happened every day. I got into a negatively spiralling process of overthinking and overworrying and just melted down into a fit of stress

The third day of this, dad called the ambulance on me,which made me feel so so so much worse for wasting their time on something I wish I’d had enough mental control of myself to just. stop from happening....

they sat with me for nearly 2 hours and once I was able to even speak relatively coherently at all I just cried about everything from childhood trauma to everything else that’s all combined to fuck me up.

The lady called the mental health folks because she felt I definitely needed to see someone for some support and put me on with one of the women on the phone but that woman was so incredibly unhelpful and passive aggressive even the ambulance lady was shocked and apologised for that person’s behaviour but god it has just absolutely wrecked my faith in being able to get any help for all of this mess.....

I honestly feel.... terrified of myself.... Because I’ve had meltdowns before but I’ve never had one so bad I lost control of myself. Like I could have legitimately harmed myself in that mess. I even wanted to. It was the closest I’ve come in a long time of actually being like wow I could Actually Follow Through with Killing Myself and it terrified me because fuck at least that time years ago when I was planning on doing it I was more in control of the action and was able to stop....

Now I’m not even sure if I got in that state again I would be able to stop myself. And that’s terrifying....

To make things worse, that third day when the ambulance people were talking me down out of my whole mess, granny had been brought home and they ended up taking her back to the hospital because it was deemed not safe to let her in while I was upstairs screaming on the floor.

So :)))))) the police called. Because not allowing granny into her legal home was an issue and I was the cause :)))))))  Even tho I didn’t actually ban her with my words, I just wasn’t in a good mental state at the time and I tried so hard to calm down once i knew she was out there waiting but I was so stressed about what was going to happen I couldn’t get it together fast enough and then had to worry if I was going to be in huge trouble over it. So THAT’s wonderful.

Anyway. She came home the next day with a very very sore side and we weren’t sure if her ribs were sore from coughing or if she’d bashed herself in an unreported fall in hospital or what.

But the next day I was helping her take off the bra her carer that morning had put on her despite knowing her side pain and then she was sick and I was freaking out because granny and sick never go well so I was super worried...

Thankfully it wasn’t long lasting but the pain she had continued to be excruciating and a doctor came later on and said her liver area was very tender so she ought to go get it checked.

So we took her to hospital by car because we were told the ambulance wait would be longer.

But because the virus is increasing in the country again the restrictions are up. So while I had to come to help get granny in and out of the car, I wasn’t allowed to go with her and dad inside. And dad had the damn car keys and it was dark, late, cold as fuck and windy.

I was outside shivering my ass off with nowhere to wait for nearly 2 hours. They wouldn’t even let me in at first when I was about to piss myself.

After that first 2 hours dad briefly came out to tell me it was looking like it was gonna be a while longer so I just asked him for money for a taxi because at this point it was already after midnight.

I got like no sleep that night cos I was worrying about dad’s chronic sleep deprivation. He didn’t get home until 6am.

Anyways she’s been in and had scans but they can’t find anything and have just given her painkillers and mysteriously they say the side pain is gone. Whether thats just from painkillers or if it’s actually gone without discovering what caused it idk. But not knowing stresses me out like I’d have rather there was something to treat instead of it mysteriously being very painful and making her sick and then disappearing. Like what if it comes back?

hhhh anyway she’s supposed to come home tomorrow and again I still don’t feel like I’ve shaken off the burn out and my pain is still there too  so physically I’m still a mess and I feel so bad about my lack of productivity especially on commissions I still need to do...

I don’t even think I can take much more stuff happening this year like. I’m legit not sure I’m gonna make it to the end of the year rn folks...

[akira-seijuro]

1/3 Last brain pill

I should have been something else. I could have made more days less painful for everyone. I love my family, friends more than I love myself. I can't do it. I can't love myself enough to let them go.

On 27th April, 2020, one of the anti depressants that I have been taking for over an year, is over. My doc, reduced the dosage and I think I'm finally done with it and I was so damn fucking happy. I think, for the first time in my entire life, including my childhood, I don't see myself as a victim anymore. Victim of being bullied, unfriended, heartbreak, academics and most importantly my friends and family.

This lockdown is like shit worst. I can't even imagine people being alone and trying to take care or themselves. It's nightmare. I can't even imagine myself in my pg or my hostel room anymore. I mean, sure I could have survived like I did all those years, but that chronic self care obsession would just make me let go of myself. On May 31st 2020, I'll be officially completing one year of my medication and June 2nd would be my father's first death anniversary and July 15th would be the time I probably saw my friend, for the last time, who totally instilled hope in me. I'd probably never see him again.

I could have been better. I don't know why I didn't. I don't know if it was my best thinking now. I could have been more patient, a better daughter. I could have been more honest, a better friend. I could have been more kind to myself. I lived in fear for so long, I don't care about my last minute anymore. I don't am have any regrets. I tried my best. I don't like when people say 'Poor you, take care of your mum. You had to go through so much at a very young age. Everybody goes through this. Everybody dies sometime. I get it, I understand your pain.'

I think what I wanted was 'It's alright. I believe in you. We'll be ok. We will go through this shit together and finally make peace with it someday.' I did have my best friend saying that to me until January 2nd, 8.30pm. Now I don't know where he is. How he is doing. I wanted to escape my life so badly, I wanted to run away from my bitterness. But it was all inside of me. I didn't want my dad's death another thing for people to say sorry for. It means something for me. Sometimes he means everything to me. Every little piece of my existence belongs to my parents. I love them very much that I can't be this girl who went through her childhood without almost making a single friend. But yeah, teenage is shit. I changed. A lot. I became more open, accepting, strong and brave. I was never afraid to tell the truth, I used to postpone but I know I would do it anyway, I would do what feels right to me. C'mon I proposed 2 guys. It was real. The love I felt. I think being in love makes you feel that everything is possible, mostly that it deepens the hope that someday you'll be happy. Chill. Both are one sided and failures. I've never been loved or cared that way. I don't think I need to. I mean my friends wholeheartedly love me and would go almost out of their way to do anything that would make me feel better at times. I never looked for a fucking replacement of the man whom I loved the most. No body can be that man who chants my name to feel better while in pain.

Rather than hurting people. I think I scared alot of people away because of my love. I guess it's so intense and feels weird. I don't know. I've started therapy for the first time in my life on October 23rd 2016, because I couldn't bear the fact that I couldn't wish the person on his birthday because my existence was irksome i guess. I still don't know what it was. But yeah. It continues till April 30th 2016 while I was in college. Every week Thursday at 3pm, a counselling session. I felt more accepted and more cared for with the space I wanted there. But frankly, I started therapy because I just wanted someone to listen to me and just try to not have an opinion good or bad about my pain, but be with me while I was processing it. I went there because I thought they'd not have any choice but to listen because I paid. But it was the best thing I did in my life. My dad's illness came back again. I mean March 2nd 2012 to December 17th 2012 is not enough. I was a lid. I didn't process shit. I just believed in god blindly and performed my duties of packing, buying groceries, boarding public transportation, learning how to ride a scooty without ever having a cycle, waiting outside operation theatre, outside radiation hall, outside chemo sessions, all while preparing for my bard exams and jee mains. I just blocked it out. All the pain and emptiness. It had to come again. Being close friends with dad, his illness pushed me to the edge of depression and I was meds which he manipulated me to stop after reaching home. I would isolate myself and would be blamed for it later. I would feel guilty that the person, my best friend whomi trusted the most left me to hang dry. Actually 2 of them. Then comes the job.

But I came to Bangalore with my cousin. When I entered royal orchid for my job orientation everyone is with someone and I was all alone. Just how I entered my college. All alone from Hyderabad to Surathkal. I opened my door, saw my roommate with her family came out and cried so much for my dad. He called my cousin and then he came to see me. It's new for him as well. So I dont blame. My dad knew what I needed until he knew he was gonna die sometime soon. I suffered, wished it to end. I tried therapy and meds again but I felt its hopeless and I stopped once the side effects were horrible from July 2017. My therapist was wonderful though. I loved her. I felt like she's my friend and I didn't want to go down that lane so I stopped. Then people told me that I'm so pessimistic to think 2018 December 22nd would be my last birthday with dad. You know it's not the worst thing to imagine the worst, sometimes its callous reality. Some doctor said this. You dont know what your people want whether they want to fight on ventilator or not. But it would be nice to get to know them. My stomach turned in may so much that I thought something bad is going to happen to my dad the whole time. Once he was scared and the practical prank he pulled took a toll on me and I colored my hair blue. It became green. I wanted to cut ties with my family and friends. No body was there then, all my friends were on business trips or we had a fight. But I made a new friend who's accepting and weird. Then another new friend with whom I randomly broke out after storming out of a meeting. I guess I started developing feelings for the former one. I didnt want all that shit because I know it's not going to work out or that it won't be reciprocated. So, I didnt want that shit to make my suffering much worse. So I realized everything is so messed up and I needed help. I stuttered and stammered dude while my dad thought he was dying but didnt. I barely remember what words I spoke or repeated. Well, second time when they called, it's true. Anyway on 31st may, with all the complications I decided I might need meds because even my body is going out of control now. Then on 1st I get that call and had to dye my hair back to brown and go see him there. This time no words came out of my mouth, it's like I forgot all the languages and how to form sentences. I couldn't promise him that I'll come out of depression, so I said I'd try in my head which obviously didnt come out because, well, like I said my body wasnt under my control. Then the only thing I wanted him to know about my life is Ayushman, lets call my first love that. I dont want to name. That I love Ayushman so much but he doesn't and its ok. I called to tell him about my new friends Bhavana and Bennington, let's call second guy that. But instead it all turned out something. But once after all that agony injecting rituals and processes, I came back and the only person o wanted to see and talk was Bennington. Then I realised what I was feeling and I accepted it and felt good that while grieving, I was able to love and not feel guilty about it. True, I tried very hard, wanted to cross oceans for him. I wanted to be there for him. But then I didn't want to force it. I don't know what the fuck I did anyway. Then a lot happened, prathista entered my life and I was loved and accepted and I could feel people wanting good for me. And that's all I needed. Besides the belief thing. Some more fights with my best friend sneha, with whom I got matching tattoos.

Then my best friend, lets call him sunshine had to like go out of the world to save love. I was alone. I was a workaholic. Knowing that someone loved me gave me immense energy to work harder, to do more good. But then Voila, my mom and cancer again. God. I didnt feel that someone is inflicting pain or that I'm a victim. I felt that these things happen and its life. It's bad but it's how it went in my life. I have no control over what happens to her. Whenever I assist her or do some stuff, I keep correlating with my dad's time with cancer. It gets so confusing. Idk. I love my mum too. I grieve. I cry. For both mum, dad. Sometimes for sunshine and Bennington. But I think it's ok. It's not something to feel bad or sorry for. It's a part of my life. I am glad I was able to back to my friendships. Gowtami, Chandu, Bokade are like pillars of support for me. I realised being kind is a way to deal with the crisis. I liked the way I lived for the first time. But I'd do anything for the people I love. I'm not going to force it. I wish them all good. People keep saying I'm strong and brave explicitly. No, I was always them. They are implicit things. Thats my character. Being able to be strong, brave, vulnerable, real honest, intense and sometimes messy. Anyway 2 more brain pills to go and still more therapy sessions. They will end when they should. I am glad that this is something that I did for myself. It's my effort despite all the discouragements I've faced about it. I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I'm so glad it has a name. I miss my dad very much right now. My mom's chicken curry too. I miss my friends.

Love,

B.