#going w my mom like im 13 again
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its gonna be weird going to this weekends anime con :-/ hope to see some good cosplay but im so awkward and i struggle with big change esp. when it comes to social events
#gonna pick up badges today and have lunch w a friend#last year this time i was checked in to a hotel and getting ready to squeeze myself into cosplay for the next three days#now look at me#going w my mom like im 13 again#helena speaks
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in my quest to quell my pain ive only hurt myself worse. damned if i do damned if i dont.
#i need better coping mechanisms but it’s so easy to just turn to substances when you’ve never learned how to cope w your emotions#and physical pain. however a lot of it has been brought on by the substance abuse aka i did it to myself#so i probably deserve it#but i started with them in the first place to get rid of pain that was so overwhelming and constant#it feels like every time i do something to preserve myself im punished for it#and im so sick of it. i cant believe its gotten this bad#i drink to help the pain -> i get hungover and the pain is way worse -> i drink to stop that pain#and the worst part is it always works#realistically ive depended on substances for like a decade#i started drinking at 13 and fell into a rut of alcoholism at like 15/16#my mom was going thru a phase of alcoholism and roped me into it so bad if be woken up by her bringing me a drink at 9 am#and we’d drink till she passed out and i had to walk her to bed and cook for everyone and do all the chores#it went on for months one summer#then it was weed and i smoked every day from like 18-22#only thing thwt stopped me from drinking until i started again after both my parents died#i havent recovered since.#im still so traumatized and depressed that i looked for any method of relief#the dph phase was the worst. i think alc is even better than that lmfao it was horrible#once i got access to alc i stopped all that. wouldnt have if i hadnt had alc tho#it’s honestly been one addiction after the other for a decade#and my parents fueled so much of it#‘oh id rarher you drink under my eye than do it behind my back’#BRUH YOU WOULDNT LET ME GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING. HOW WOULD THWT HAVE HAPPENED#crazy how i was obsessed w drugs and shit by the time i was 10 and i remember thinking wow im gojna grow up to be an addict.#why am i so irreparably fucked up#idk whatever. like im not gonna drink abt it lmao.
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manic mixed depressive episode on my bday is so fun especially when ur going on 2 days no sleep n have a 12hr shift starting at the asscrack of dawn in 6hrs
#idk if i want to sleep like i do but i don’t i just keep walking in circles n staring off blankly#also bursted into tears for no reason bc i missed my mom and remembered how much i hate my fucking birthday#was in the middle of a borderline argument w my family then just zoned out n glanced at the time and tears welled#6:13???#then i pretended to go to the bathroom to hide my tears from my dad cuz he would’ve yelled at me if i went to my room w/o saying anything#so there i am crying like a pathetic loser on the toilet trying to suppress n swallow down ugly sobs#and there i am crying in my dumpster fire of a room on the floor#i literally go the entire year without crying abt her but every time december hits i always get into this weird funk#and idk why it’s still happening it’s been 7 years#i think my subconscious mind is influencing my body to release the trauma stored inside it bc i was never allowed to grieve her properly#so now in blips of time leading up to my birthday and the next day of her passing i’m 15 turning 16 again#i wish i didn’t have to work tomorrow so i could go visit her at her grave instead like i never go to the cemetery but i really want to#i guess i can go on her actual death day but i don’t want to go with my dad and brothers i just want to be alone#they don’t understand the feeling of losing your mom and best friend on your 16th bday#they don’t understand what it’s like carrying all this guilt and trauma and holding her hand and feeling her hand go limp at my words#i told her it was okay she could let go i would take care of my brothers and protect them from my father and i would be strong for everyone#meanwhile i’m listening to my dad n my aunt throwing all her clothes in trash bags upstairs#i didn’t even get to pick out what clothes i wanted to keep of hers im so angry my dad refused to let any of us miss her#“i miss mom-‘ ‘she’s dead get over it!’#i got over it alright but then this time of year rolls around and i’m under it all again#i miss her so much i wonder if she’d be proud of me i wonder what it would be like to feel her hand in mine again#ooos im crying again lol#im so pathetic i’m literally 23 in less than 30 minutes why am i behaving like a crybaby child#23:33 when i was typing that btw n 333 is my angel/life path number lol#i wanna saw my arm off but i won’t#i debated staring an iv on myself instead but i’m too drained i just want lay down n cry lol#pathetic loser crybaby girl can’t function can’t shut up making everyone uncomfortable with her sadnes n tears stupid stupid stupid#drown in them and die nobody here loves you anymore nobody cares you’re the problem always the problem#i can’t remember if my mom loved me or not everyone says she did but i forgot what it feels like#i wish i never told her it was okay to let go i lied to her i said i’d be okay but here i am manic depressive
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thank GODDD the doctor is taking time to work on himself maybe now he can stop ruining womens lives .
#mildly joke but im so excited those specials were so fun...#we watched all the 14th dr specials bc Major donna fan ohh my god they were fun i liked them....#i worry im like. being unfair somehow. but i loved like..some of the things with 13 i just likee. the writing it was..off to me... sigh. i#rly wish her seasons had better writers i suppose. BUT. im excited bc my mom told me 15s run is super good so far#i cant believe im almost caught up wndr who. a crazy world i live in. i suppose next me and my mom will have to huddle around an old timey#radio like max n ruby to listen to the audio dramas#and then wencan read bedtime stories to eachother or something#Or of course i could just track down the old series. KDNFJFN. but the computer always its a commodity...#but ya. those were funn i rly liked the like. 2 of them had a bit of body horror like. mild babys first body horror. but i liked it. and#they were funnyyy god i missed donna so bad the show is SO funny with her there. the chemistry w her and 10nis just chefs kiss. loves it#i feel bad bc i liked the like. Suggested personalities of the last companions but they felt kind of lackluster in practice ? like..it felt#like we were told how they were but in practice they kind of just. were there. and then would react to the dr. and then were judt there#idk... i wish they had been more like. fleshed out one supposes#it rly to me feels like they spent 13s seasons kind of just farting around and then covid hit and they were like Fuck now we have to like.#avtually write a plot#flux was like. i think you can do a storyline w like. a bunch of different plotlines that all ties up but it was confusing#😭😭 it ws like. ig rhe most engaged i was w/ 13 but thats just bc stuff was being thrown at me constantly...#but ya. its rly nice to see donna again after having a bunch of companions who just didnt feel like they got their time to shine. in my eyes#bc donna feels so well written and real and like. believable to me. like it feels like shes an active member instead of like. just standing#around and then having her alloted 4 minute emotional conversation before jumping back into action. yk#also i literally said as soon as the bigeneration happens Oh rhis is good 14 can judt go be a weird uncle. ajd then he literally did#so funny tho that rose and donna get their own tennant doctors and then my best friend martha is just chopped liver ig.#good for her tho. that man needs to stay away from her (joke)#but ya. YAY. intrigued by nailpolish woman its also fun bc weve gotten to the point where my mom has only watched the episodes once#so she knows less and its more fresh for her#which is rly fun. im a little worried about umm. when were fully caught up#bc i believe my mom and dad watch the eps together#and like. yk. much love to my dad but like. idk me and my mom have a specific sort of banter when we watch and like. he sits in sometimes#and i tend to just go silent 😭😭😭#its like. not a conscious thing i just. yk. i have trouble being Relaxed when theyre in the same room together
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✧.* must love dogs; csc one shot.
✧.* synopsis: after a breakup (three years ago) your friend finally attempts to get you back on the saddle by creating you a dating profile despite your protesting, hooking you up on dates with some of the eligible bachelors of their choice, none of which impressed you. until one day you met the boy with the dog.
part of my seventeen movie series.
paring: seungcheol x reader (y/n uses she/her pronouns.)
genre/s: fluff, strangers2lovers
warning/s: alcohol mentions, swearing, cigarette mentions, swearing, some pg-13 jokes.
word count: 3.7k
note: im notorious atp for not editing, pls. I hope you enjoy my lil must love dogs inspired fic, its one of my fav movies!! xo.
“So how was bachelor number five?”
With a roll of your eyes, you gazed at your friend Seungkwan resting his feet on top of your shared glass coffee table, ticking the tip of the city guide book and magazines rested on top.
“Boring. He was nice or whatever, good looking, but he wouldn’t shut up about league of legends and his job. Other than that he asked me no questions about myself or what I do. A failure as most would call it.”
“So I take it you wouldn’t want to go out with him again?”
“God, whatever gave you that impression? I thought you could tell we were headed for marriage?”
“Hey. I’m doing you a very nice thing, you don’t have to be so sarcastic about it.”
“Look, I know. But just because Jun is getting married and I still haven’t moved on doesn’t mean I need to be dating all of the sudden.”
The boy patted the seat next to him. Scooching over from his spot, making room for you on the couch.
“ It’s been nearly three years since you ended it with him. At least fuck someone before you dry up.”
“That’s fucking gross and what vibrators are for.”
A small scream left your friend's mouth as he covered his ears trying to remove what he had just heard coming out of your mouth.
“Y/n his wedding is in two months, we need to find someone to bring that’s not me. You don’t want to feel the embarrassment of his pity party and everyone feeling sorry for you.”
“Why can’t you just be my date?”
“Too obvious. Plus your whole family will be there, just do it or you know your parents will be in your case again. This ‘ secret man’ you’ve been seeing doesn’t exist and I think your Mom is starting to catch on.”
He was right. Your parents come from a high status, as do your ex boyfriends, they were the reason you both had met and became friends in the first place. But, when your relationship ended you lied to them, it was working well until you got a call from your very upset mother telling you Jun showed up to your house with his family and a girl on his arm that wasn’t you.
“Okay, then why can’t I choose my own date?”
“The men you chose to quote on quote date are literally disturbing, I’m sorry but it’s the truth. Like that one dude you brought here last time? Whatever the fuck his name was literally was wearing a necklace vial of his own blood and claimed drinking your own urine and reusing water is the only way we can save the planet.”
“Okay, but he was nice.”
“He literally didn’t flush the toilet because he only went number one. That’s fucked, no.”
“Can I at least, like at the very least have some approval over the men you match me with then?”
“Maybe.”
“ Kwanie, please. Come on, don’t make me use the what goes around card, it’s my turn”
“No, it's absolutely my turn.”
“Not true, you wasted it two months ago when I had to bail you out of that strange house party orgy thing by saying your dog died and coming in crying to a bunch of naked strangers. You owe me.”
“Valid.”
“How did you not realize what that party was anyway?”
“This is not currently about my life failures, but yours my beautiful friend.”
Laughing at Seungkwan's major mishap, you forgot to greet your dog, Lucky. She was waiting and crying at your feet, finally waking up from her sweet slumber to greet you.
“Hello my baby, do we have to go outside?”
“She went for a walk this afternoon, but after her dinner she crashed so she probably wants a walk. I can go if you want to change or shower.”
“No it’s alright, I can take her, you're already in your pj’s and after my date I need a distress, want anything from the mart?”
“Ice cream?”
With a small nod you jumped up, taking the small curly creature in your arms and grabbing her harness before heading back outside into the warm spring air.
Ten minutes into your evening stroll, you decided to sit on the green wooden bench overlooking the water, the same bench your grandmother always spoke about when you asked her the same story about how she and your grandfather got engaged. The gold plaque with their names rubbing off sitting behind your back.
Suddenly you heard a man yelling from behind you, running through the green grass lit up with fluorescent lights.
“Hey, Kkuma, no come back.”
A small white dog came up behind Lucky sniffing her and starting to play, you noticed her cute hairclip and ran your hands through her fur.
“God, I’m sorry. She normally doesn’t run off like that.”
“It’s okay my dog lov-“
As you turned around to look into the round eyes of the owner, you were stunned with how beautiful he was.
His dark hair pushed under a cap, a white t-shirt too big for his frame sitting beautifully in his toned shoulders, and his red sweatpants matching his shoes.
The unfamiliar man was bending down now petting your precious pet and his own at the same time talking to them in sweet baby voices.
“This is Kkuma by the way, and you are?”
“Y/N”
“Hi y/n, you’re so cute, you and kkuma can be best friends if your mom lets you.”
You let out a roaring laugh realizing he thought you had introduced your pet and not yourself.
“Oh sorry, did I say something wrong?”
“No, no. It’s just I’m y/n this is Lucky sorry my fault.”
“Oh god, cool. Sorry Lucky, I’m Seungcheol. You can call me Cheol and this is Kkuma.”
“Nice to meet you Cheol and Kkuma.”
“You too. Look I know I just met you and all, but I’m new to the area. I was wondering if you’d want to get coffee and let the girls hangout sometime?”
“Oh. Yeah, of course. Let me give you my number.”
Seungcheol handed you his cell phone with a new contact page pulled up giving you full reign to type your name and number into his list.
Handing the device back to him your fingers touched, creating an electric shock, to not like you to believe in signs, but for some reason it felt like the universe trying to tell you something.
“Thank you, I’ve actually got to get going, but if you're free tomorrow would you want to grab coffee and hangout at the dog park?”
“Yeah, totally. Just text me a time, we can just meet here. What kind of coffee do you drink? There’s a good spot by my apartment. I can just pick it up for us.”
“Wow, that’s so nice of you. Just a black americano is cool or a cold brew whichever.”
“No fun I see.”
“How would you know that? Just because I don’t like sugary drinks doesn’t mean I can’t have fun.”
“I don’t know, we will see.”
“We will. I’ll catch you tomorrow girls.”
“Nice to meet you.”
“You too!”
Seungcheol left the same way he came running through the grass with Kkuma on his heels, following him all the way back to their home.
Strolling back down the pathway back to your apartment, you could help but feel butterflies in your stomach, you knew nothing about the man you just met other than his name and his cute dog, but there was a lot of unknown.
Smiling like a Cheshire Cat, you unlocked the front door and watched Lucky sprint back into Seungkwan lounging on the couch, eating for the ice cream you had forgotten.
“Where’s the snacks? Also why are you smiling like an idiot you’re freaking me out.”
“We met a guy with his dog, a very cute guy might I add, who actually asked for my number and wants to get coffee tomorrow.”
“ What the fuck, it’s late tell me he doesn’t live in the park?”
“No he said he just moved to the area, he was clearly not a park dweller he had keys, and smelt amazing actually.”
“Smelling strangers? A new low even for you”
“Oh my god, fuck off.”
Seungkwan pulled his phone out and opened various social media apps preparing himself for best friend stalking duties.
“What’s his name?”
“Seungcheol, not sure about his last name, but he goes by Cheol and his dog was Kkuma.”
“Great.. okay, found him I assume?”
“What the fuck, how? Let me see.”
“Eager aren’t we?”
“Fuck off?”
Grabbing Seungkwan's phone from his grip, you scroll quickly through the new faces' social media.
“Yeah, it’s him.”
“Okay, let me see. Wait, he's actually hot AND seems to have his own business?”
“Oh my god.”
“Here, look”
After the next few hours, you and your friend stumble on into your separate rooms preparing yourself for slumber, which never seems to reach you and before you know it dawn is creeping its way through your curtains, and your backup preparing yourself for a day with you and Lucky's new friends.
Something about your energy was excitable and nearing frantic, you could wait to step outside into the fresh air with your pocket sized princess at your side, but it was still early.
You had decided on pampering yourself for this morning, finding the need to make yourself up, you spread on your skin care with glee, drew perfect lines of eyeliner and strained your hair, pulling it up into a nice tight ponytail the hair tie matching the taupe tone of your sweat suit perfectly. Before you knew it it was 9:45 a perfect time for you and Lucky to step outside the door.
Placing her in her tote bag, you stepped inside of your favorite coffee shop, the light pink walls covered in photos and paintings, the smell of the espresso seemed sweeter.
“Morning, y/n you look beautiful today. Would you like the usual?”
“Thank you, for me, yes. But can I also get a large americano, just black and he didn’t tell me iced or hot, so iced is good I think? Or maybe hot with a cup of ice on the side? If that’s okay?”
“He? Did you finally start dating someone?”
“Oh no, just a friend of mine. Seungkwan told you shit about me didn’t he?”
“Yes. Sorry.”
“No worries, can I actually get two of the plain croissants and two of the flower dog cookies too?”
“No problem, it’ll be right out.”
“Thank you.”
Taking a seat next to the pick up counter you scrolled through the instagram of the boy you’re meant to be meeting, telling yourself it’s just to remember his face, but really it was to get a peek into what else he’s into or if he was single.
“Y/N”
“Oh shit, sorry. Thank you guys, see you tomorrow.”
Picking up the paper coffee carrier and pastry bag, you waved goodbye to the baristas and briskly walked back to the bench you were at yesterday, your bench, spotting the back of Seungcheol’s head watching the water with his dog.
“Hey. Sorry I’m late.”
“Oh, no problem. I just got here.”
Placing your items down on the bench, you freed her bag and greeted Kkuma alongside her before taking your seat.
“Here’s your coffee, I wasn’t sure if you wanted hot or iced so I got you a cup of ice too just in case, a croissant, and a little treat for your girl too.”
“Wow thank you so much, hot is fine actually. How are you?”
“Good, nervous. I mean it’s not every day you meet a stranger for coffee.”
Seungcheol laughed, tipping his head back slightly before taking a bite of his pastry.
“Sorry. I know it’s weird, you just seemed like someone I wanted to get to know, and Kkuma liked you so I figured you’re good people.”
“Well, thank you. You too. Lucky generally does not like men other than my friend Seungkwan, my dad, and my ex-boyfriend so consider yourself special.”
“I do.”
“So what brought you to this neighborhood? Work, a relationship?”
“No relationship, but actually my business partner is from here. We decided to open our warehouse and stuff here because it’s much better than doing it in the city. We have a spirit company and we’re planning on opening a brewery and bar, so that’s why I’ve been working late nights. I guess it served me well, I made a friend on my first day.”
“You’ve only been here for a full day? What the hell? You already know the best spot in town. What kind of stuff do you guys make?”
“Beer and soju mainly, we’ve been working on it for five years now and are finally at a spot to open up and start selling it to people, which is cool. But what about you? What do you do?”
“I’m a medical student actually, my parents are both doctors, I used to really want to be one too, but I don’t know, I don’t really have the same passion for it as I used to.”
“Well what would you do if you had the choice?”
“I always wanted to design stuff for dogs, start a rescue, anything like that. I got so happy seeing Kkuma as an accessory girl.”
“Yeah, she’s very stylish. I think you should go for it, you know? Why waste time becoming something for someone else and risk being unhappy just for their sake?”
“Honestly I wouldn’t even know how to start a business on my own, let alone tell my parents.”
“Hey, I didn’t either and look where it’s gotten me.”
You turned back to the water, staring into the calm blue waters, trying not to go into your own head.
“You’re oddly inspiring, I’ll give you that much.”
“Thank you, y/n. You’re oddly sassy, I’ll give you that.”
“Shut up, I’m not.”
“You already tried to clock me by saying I’m no fun because I drink black coffee and you said oddly inspiring like a back handed compliment. You definitely are, but I like it.
“Good.”
You had continued your twice weekly hangouts with Kkuma and her dad for two weeks now, getting excited whenever the days roll around to see the two of them again, but you haven’t hung out once without them around, which made you wonder if your friendship or crush rather on this boy was only due to your dogs being friends themselves.
Seungkwan tried setting you up on more and more dates with more and more duds, he was starting to lose hope himself, knowing that the one person he could set you up with was Seungcheol but he didn’t want to overstep.
Strolling home from another failed connection, you decide to stop and have a beer before going home to give the dirty details to Seungkwan about who you had just met.
Pulling open the tab of one of your drinks from your six pack, you took a deep breath and sat down, feeling your eyes welling up with tears.
Another can opened as you went to take the first sip. A hand comes on your shoulders, whispering a boo in your ears.
“What the fuck!”
Jumping up from your seat the hand on your shoulder belonged to Seungcheol, the look in his eyes went from happy to concerned as he saw the small streaks of tears on your cheeks, you top now dribbled with spots of beer.
“I’m so sorry, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m good. Want a beer?”
“Sure, thanks. I’m sorry I scared you, I thought you heard me behind you.”
“It’s alright, I was in my own world anyway. You look nice, where are you headed?”
“Soft opening for my bar actually, I texted you, but I figured you didn’t respond because you were busy.”
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I would’ve loved to come. I was a bit preoccupied on an awful fucking date.”
“That bad, huh?”
“Worse.”
“Well the good news is you technically didn’t miss it, it doesn’t start for another twenty minutes and you’re dressed very nice. It worked out.
“Fuck I wish I paid more attention, I could’ve got you some flowers or something.”
“Next time. Will your roommate be alright taking care of Lucky?”
“Yeah of course, he knew I would be out tonight. I’ll text him just to be sure.”
“Cheers to hanging out without our kids?”
“Definitely.”
With that suddenly your awful night and doubts about your relationship with the raven haired boy went out the window.
“Shall we?”
“We shall.”
Seungcheol lent his arm out for you to wrap your own around, and you both stayed out that way for a few moments, before discarding your cans and walking the way to his new venture.
“Here it is, you ready?”
“When you told me you were opening this up I thought you hadn’t even started? But it looks like it’s fully ready.”
“Ah, well we had planned to wait a bit, but we’re getting too antsy, so here we are.”
“It’s beautiful, holy shit.”
“Thanks, sit here, I’ll be right back.”
You took a seat on the green leather booth, looking around and taking in the ambiance of the custom lighting and ribbon like wallpaper, when a blonde gentleman walked over sitting down across from you.
“Y/n? Right?”
“Yeah, nice to meet you…”
“Jeonghan, I’m Cheol’s business partner.”
“Jeonghan, right. Nice to finally meet you, I’ve heard a lot.”
“Likewise, you’re so much prettier than Cheol let on actually.”
“Oh?”
Without a chance to interrogate the new face further Seungcheol walked back over to your table, setting down a few bottles of various spirits for you to try, including a couple of cocktails.
“He didn’t scare you too much did he?”
“Not at all, he was just telling me actually how much prettier I am than you alluded to.”
“Jeonghan, don’t do that to her, come on. You know very well I told you she was pretty, I even showed you her instagram, you agreed.”
“I know, I just wanted to make you tell her yourself and my job is done, see you around y/n.”
“Nice to meet you.”
As Jeonghan left the table you felt your cheeks growing with heat, unsure if it was the alcohol or the fact that Seungcheols friend made him confess he thought you were good looking.
“Sorry about him, he’s a menace.”
“No need to be sorry, I have my own menace at home and I don’t mean my dog.”
Seungcheol laughed, pouring you a shot of his very own soju to taste, filling with anticipation hoping you enjoy the drink he’s serving you, looking for your approval became a big part of his mind lately.
Lifting your glass up to his and clinking them together, the liquor poured down the back of your throat filling your mouth with sweetness and warmth.
“Holy shit.”
“Good holy shit or bad holy shit?”
“No, very good. That’s actually delicious. It’s so clean and fresh.”
“That makes me so happy to hear.”
“I’m happy you’re happy.”
“Okay, beer next. This is just a standard sour, some lime and sea salt, sort of beach vibes.”
“Sounds amazing, okay.”
Tipping your head back you sipped at the foamy top of the glass, savoring the flavors in your mouth.
“I hate you so much.”
“What? Why?”
“Seungcheol, you're way too humble when you talk about your business, this shit is amazing. I said I hate you because I’m going to crave this shit and I’ll have to see you all the time.”
“I thought you liked seeing me all the time?”
“You’re okay.”
“I have to say it’s cool to be here with you without the dogs, not that they distract too much, but they definitely take away giving you my full attention.”
“I mean how could they not, they’re cute as fuck,”
“So are you.”
“Wow, two drinks in Cheol and you’re already calling me cute? I wonder what else you’ll say the more you drink?"
“Technically we’re four drinks in, but I guess I remember the time I spent with you more than you do. Did those drinks on the bench mean nothing to you?”
“Oh fuck, I did forget. I guess technically I’m five drinks in then, catch up, bitch.”
You and Seungcheol spent the rest of the night being greeted by his friends, most of them already assuming who you were, letting you know that Seungcheol talks about you more than you realized.
Feeling your blood alcohol content rising, you decided to take a step outside and refresh.
The bell of the door opened up behind you, putting you face to face with his cherry lips once again, watching them light up a hand rolled cigarette to his lips.
“Doing okay?”
“Yeah, just wanted to step out for a second. Are you good?”
“Very. Want a cig?”
“No, I’m good for now. Ask me again later.”
“So will there be a later? You’re not ditching me now?”
“I’d never do that.”
“So, y/n does this maybe get me a chance to take you on a date? I’m kind of drunk so I’m feeling oddly bold.”
“Is this not sort of a date?”
“I was hoping you thought so. Is that a yes?”
“Absolutely. I thought you’d never ask.”
“Before we go on our date though, y/n. I have one final question?”
“Yes?”
“Do you still think I’m boring?”
“A little.”
Seungcheol grabbed your waist and spun you around, causing his perfectly rolled tobacco to fall on the sidewalk.
Blissfully you were giggling and laughing under the red led lights of his bar.
“Take it back.”
“Nope.”
“Please.”
You looked into his puppy dog eyes and did something out of your comfort zone. Wrapped your hands loosely around his neck, placing a deepened kiss onto his lips.
His mouth tasted of cigarettes and salt with a hint of vanilla from the lip balm he always had on him.
“Is that a good ‘sorry I called you boring’ kiss?”
“It’ll do for now.”
“Good. They’ll be more where that came from.”
“Promise?”
“Pinky promise.”
You and Seungcheol unwrap from each other, finding Jeonghan standing and cheering in the window watching the two of you.
“Can’t believe I got a hot date and a sister for Kkuma all in one.”
“You lucky dog.”
#❃ - duffytalks#seventeen fluff#seventeen scenarios#seventeen headcanons#seventeen x reader#svt reactions#seventeen imagines#svt fic#svt texts#svt imagines#seventeen au#seventeen fic#scoups x reader#scoups x you#scoups x y/n#seungchol x y/n#seungcheol imagines#seungcheol x reader#choi seungcheol x reader#svt fanfic#svt x reader#svt fluff#svt scenarios#svt oneshot#seventeen oneshot#svt series#seventeen series#svt scoups#svt x oc
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If u have the time could you pls give us ur jim analysis based on this post im very interested in hearing it
headsup for some heavy mental health talk:
so my interpretation of jim, and the reason why i drew him the angsty way i did was because i looked at his character in ToA from like, a mental illness metaphor perspective. i dont think(?) it was ever the showrunner’s intention to do that, but its just a personal way i viewed it bc i saw and felt a lot of his struggles between the lines of the series.
like in episode 6: Win Lose or Draal- where Jim thinks hes going to get killed in battle, writes letters to his loved ones, cooks a last meal for his mom, felt and acted like was the last day he was going to live. Claire interpreting his letter to her that he was talking about having “internal monsters” and “being in some kind of trouble” didnt help much as well AHAH
jim hiding so much from his mom, that one shot in season 1 episode 12 or 13 where he hides the damage on his arms from the goblins behind his back-AHHHHH
and dont get me started on the bathtub scene in A House Divided like idk what the showrunners were thinking doing that but okay i guess😭 that one made me sob on the floor like TWICE
and Jimhunters-god that really felt like your life being altered, and seeing everything in a much darker lens when going through depression. the first time i watched it and when Jim ran to the school rooftop i was legitimately horrified and scared out of my MIND but thank god they didn’t go much beyond that. STILL. thanks for the heart attack 😭😭😭
so back to the tags on that post:
i never liked a hero w a thousand faces because of how chaotic and exaggerated everything was but i guess its because it was different parts of jim split and personified.
but i guess it just messed me up seeing that episode again and having Hunter Jim, the highest functioning one out of them all being the one hunting HIMSELF DOWN, one by one. it really felt like a lot of self loathing going on, and he literally was looking to “kill” other parts of himself, and then the Real Jim as a whole. sorry that was jumbled up and a lot but it was what made me go like
thats kinda the gist of how i saw some moments of Jim’s character back then, and i guess it explains why so much of my art leans towards angst and that hurt comfort, because of all those interpretations i had going on in my head. it was rough a couple years back and this series helped me to reflect and process a lot of what happened and the feelings i had, through Jim. it was a like a safe little sandbox i could toss around in and it genuinely helped so much in healing :”D!! so yeah its more of a personal take, but hope this answers ur question?
ty for sending this ask!! hope you’re well💖💖💖
#sorry this is kinda messy#post#text#toa#tales of arcadia#jim lake jr#trollhunters#jim lake#ask to tag#suicide mention#not rly but kinda. ITS Complicated#mental health
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I came here to ask for Rockstar! Cove rambles and saw the Rockstar! Baxter art you reblogged omfg it's so good.
Please can we get some of your Rockstar! Cove (and/or Baxter if you feel like it) rambles 🙏
(Hope your holiday has been great 💖)
this is more. rockstar!cove backstory but YKW ITS FINE BC ITS BEEN WHATS ON MY MIND LATELY we'll have to talk abt him again bc this post was getting LONG especially w baxterrr
tags : SFW, headcanons, step 2-4, rockstar au, so ooc, bullying mentioned, fighting, baxter's tags are below before his hc's
listen....
im ngl. i want him to be maybe a little toxic. a lil crazy.
or into things he's not canonically into/does often
at least he's rough n impulsive at first
whenever he can get away with it, and before he got famous, he loves taking a long ride on his motorcycle
compared to when he was a young teen, he tries not to take drives when he's angry
bc when he was young, he'd put on some music and blast it as loud as it could go, and he'd drive and drive and drive...
ended up with a few warnings and speeding tickets that way because he'd get lost in riding n his thoughts n the music
but now that his life isn't so turbulent, he doesn't do that anymore
i wanna imagine he doesn't grow up with you next door n you didn't know each other until junior year of high school
he sees you n he's sold...
thinks you're so fucking beautiful/handsome and he sees you laughing n smiling w your friends n he's so, so whipped for you
he's still a sweet shy boy, so it takes forever for him to talk to you
n it's terry who introduced you two!!!
he's all flustered, bc you're even more lovely up close
n if you're all bubbly n extroverted, he thinks you're like sunshine
if you're more reserved, he thinks you're very cool or that it's amazing how calm you are all the time
if you're shy/easily flustered, will sometimes (and now that he's grown, always) mention out loud he thinks it's cute when you blush...
either way, just loves your personality n thinks you're amazing n cute
you actually calm him down. you ground him.
he used to get into fights kinda often.
i like to think rockstar!cove got like this bc his parents stayed together longer than they did, n there was no brilliant neighbor to reach out to him
he n his dad were still like oil n water, and the kids at school were less than friendly but usually didn't dare fuck with him
key word is usually.
just had a thought actually... cliff's family living nearby
not his parents. he moved as far as he could
and with him n Kyra on the brink of divorce, her moving out the house, n all cliff has to do to keep them afloat..
he didn't think his equally shitty cousins would be a problem.
but surprise!! they're a few doors down n too happy to "catch up"
cove n cliff avoid them pretty well, n cliff really didn't need to tell cove to avoid his cousins bc he was already 2 steps ahead of him
but his cousins dont get that message, they also think its a good idea to pick on cove...
so between the short patience of most hormonal 13 year olds, his parents (finally) separating, cove's intolerance for bullshit....
cove ends up rocking his 2 cousins shit when they snatch his glasses off his face, bending the frame
ignores his cousins mom yelling at him n cliff to apologize for hurting her kids. feels a bit warm when his dad tells her his son is more well mannered than both her kiss combined, even laughs when he says a rabid raccon has more sense n poise
but is even happier when his dad, after a moment of silence in the car, asks him if be used the right hook he taught him
n tries to hide his smile when his dad ruffles his hair n goes "that's good. good job son."
he does hear the whole, "violence isn't always the answer" and "pick your battles" thing
but he shrugs off the lecture when he and cliff have a tub of ice cream each n cliff holds a bag of peas to his face
anyway.
he fights like a DOG. he arGRHHH HE HAS EVERYTHIGN TAKEN CARE OF. TRUST.
professional at sneaking out n sneaking YOU out
cove at 4am: wanna get mcd's?
dont even bother saying no bc he's already outside
dont pretend to be sleep either bc he FUCKING SEES YOU.
will leave you alone if you genuinely don't wanna fuck around in the middle of the night, but how can you say no to him?
ah. before i forget
Will kiss you if you're bandaging his face
asks you to ice his bruises...
SINGS YOU SONGS N SHIT
kryptonite. creep. p!nk and lady gaga PERIOD. all of it
serenades you with his guitar and/or voice
sometimes he's just fiddling with the strings, switching between cheery beats and trying to rick roll you but the beat is wayyy off
loves when you fall asleep to his music too, plays the sleepiest tune he can think of
you being his biggest supporter is what makes him fight to make a name in the music industry
after supporting him in his personal life, through all his lows and highs, then supporting his music that he was too scared to go for
he puts his best foot forward for his sake and yours
+ TAGS: mention of FWB, toxic baxter <3, so ooc ofc, mm implied partying/drinking
now rockstar baxter....
i want him to be a problem. he's the toxic one here
compared to cove, who is soft n sweet but impulsive and always willing to fight, rough but well meaning...
baxter is your situationship
your friends with benefits
friends if a loose word, since you hardly ever talk since you've met and unless arguing, bickering, or sexting counts as getting to know each other...
than you're best friends!!!
he's the big headed musician who always asks "wyd" and "u up?" whenever he's in town
at least he sends you money to doll up or eat, or whatever before he gets in town
"make sure you eat before i come. bc im not letting you go once i get there"
so.... if you want commitment. he's not it...
just saw *this tweet, and rockstar!baxter IS the type to email you after you block him
omfg. if any of yall have read armin x reader fanfics... yk how he is in those fics? all toxic n shit?
thats baxter.
not THAT bad. like baby trapping bad or cheating on you, manipulating you etc.
but he's bad
definitely the dumb choice you make at 18-20 smth years old n once you mature, you drop him because he doesn't grow up quickly...
he won't even have the realization that you're the one until he's MINIMUM 37-40+ YEARS OLD. AND FLYS UP FROM THE BED LIKE HE'S SEEN A GHOST
curses n curses himself to high hell and low heaven
now depending on how bad he's fucked you over, or you've moved on, etc... he understands if you don't wanna try being together, bc he was a fucking mess
at least, if he sees you catching feelings or himself, he does break it off
but there's still good times between you!!
he sends you things for your birthday
and when he's not on tour showing his ass, he comes to spend it with you
is very happy if you come to spend his birthday with him!!!
starts to look forward to it, but he doesn't really show it
although after the first time, he can't help crying, thought the first time was just a one off thing
unless you make the first one a big thing, than he cries then
even if all you did was get/make a cake and decorate your small apartment, he's so so happy
mm i started thinking abt smth
i don't think he's that bad, impulsive, etc. before his career
before, he's pursuing music because his parents hate it. its "not a useful career" and "embarrassing"
but then he starts to love it, its an outlet for him and then it's become a passion
but once he gets a deal with a record label, it's just a downward spiral
puts everything into music, ignores everything else and doesn't take breaks like he should
i think what breaks your "relationship" is him getting caught up in the darker side of the music industry, and losing himself.
he doesn't laugh or anything like before
doesn't make random trips to see you anymore
in fact, probably ends up flaking on you or suddenly canceling, or going weeks without talking to you
its rough. and you two definitely need time apart for him to grow and realize that this is serving anyone besides the companies pockets well
#our life: beginnings & always#olba#cove holden#cove holden x reader#baxter ward#baxter our life#baxter ward x reader
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running list of my favorite moments from Paris 2024
the rapper who now sponsors women's wapo
stephen from penn state and everyone being obsessed with pommel horse now
SIMONE BILESSSSSSSSS literally eating after tokyo and at age 27 (dont fact check me im not doing google searches)
jade carrey's grace after her quals on floor
womens gymnastics having qualifiers on every event in the top 3
womens gymnastics leading all teams by FIVE WHOLE POINTS and the 2nd/3rd difference being 2 TENTHS (aka 5.0 vs 0.2)
synchronized diving bros tm
the new womens gymnastics commentators who are focusing on the incredible skill of the athletes and their resilience and safety rather than a single flexed foot like in the past
aly raisman is there love
waiting for track events bc i just want to see hurdles and sha'carri richardson
womens rugby absolutely demolishing great britain
con't:
12. snoop memes 13. simone's response to reporters asking about hezly, simone's caption under the team gold win, simone's response to aly raisman asking what the team nickname is 14. stephen from penn state again for becoming an overnight national hero 15. the main woman on the rugby team (ilana?? not sure) whos fully an icon and a beast and knows it as she damn well should 16. my friends and coworkers tolerating my gymnastics infodumps
con't part 2:
17. SIMONE GETTING BLOCKED BY MYKAYLA LMFAO 18. continuation of stephen memes i love them keep it up 19. just saw that apparently martha stewart is joining snoop for equestrian events bc "he's afraid of horses" 20. ILONA MAHER MY ICON MY LOVE 21. tom daly's sweaters and children 22. simone biles' husband (no he will not have a name) sitting with her parents and keeping their scorecard. v wholesome 23. aly raisman asking the team what their name is and simone fully glitching on how to not say "fuck" at a press event
WAIT SAME DAY BUT I THOUGHT OF MORE
24. pregnant fencer winner, can u imagine growing up like "yeah i technically medaled at the olympics bc my mom had been growing me for SEVEN MONTHS already" that kid is gonna have incredible stories 25. simone and her biggest competitor Rebeca Andrade cheering each other on even tho they're both going to all around medals on different teams. they FUCKING GET IT that's girlhood 26. katie ledecky eating it up year after year
part three of the day:
27. the gymnast who's sponsored by cheese?? jealous 28. the swimmer whos obsessed with the muffins so true king chase your passions 29. i found my favorite meme, allow me to quote: "gay men thirsting over the lithe sun-kissed swimmers' bodies of Team Italia and lesbians thirsting over a woman in a backwards hat and severe bob doing shooting - this is what those people at Stonewall died for" with a gif of the pistol icon queen (do not know her name) (also this is obv dramatic, we know Stonewall is a deep and complex history, don't @ me) 30. a clip of synchronized divers from (i think) china and the commentators were talking about how they had to come up with a new term to describe their water entry and it was something along the lines of splash disappear magic or smth. crazy
I'm back and worse than ever 31. HAPPY SHA'CARRI RICHARDSON IS RUNNING DAY 32. Alice Bellandi, who i just found out about. LETS GO LESBIANS LETS GOOOOOOO 33. i just.. something about the olympics exposing how much progress there is to be made in the world. year after year. from women's rights to gay rights to trans rights to racism to sexism and on and on and on. some dumbos were like "yay international competition" and instead got lesbians celebrating their gold medals w their gfs and women sharing about how they had a therapy appt right before they competed. its kind of a beautiful testament to the validity and worldwide nature of these issues 34. simone sharing that she met w her therapist the morning of her all around gold win 35. once again SIMONE'S FAMILY AND THEIR SHIRTS IM CRYING 36. im kind of obsessed with seeing noticeable mistakes intermixed with perfection 37. PIN TRADING specifically the clip of ilona maher trading w simone
anotha one
38. Jade Carrey medaling on vault 39. Suni medaling on AA 40. stephen again. SLAY individual PH medalist!!!! one of my best friends texted me to make sure i'm also obsessed with him and i told her about my deepdive into his gf's NCAA career lol. PS stephen you should come visit ur alma mater because you genuinely seem like one of the coolest people ever and i wanna meet you. 41. shoutout to frederick richards (also men's usa gym) for tearing it up all the damn time. i think he posts a lot on social media and the men's all around gymnasts should be getting a whole bunch of hype 42. Sha'Carri Richardson. so beauty so grace. she didn't even look like she was trying for the last quarter of her 100m qual. 43. related: im obsessed with the purple track like hello???? iconic 44. video of the camera man for trampoline. just up down up down up down 45. honestly every new thing i find out about the shooting events (incl the post about america not medaling at all but phrased as a clear dig at our firearm policy) 46. how (and maybe this is just me) women are fully dominating the news cycle in terms of what i hear about the olympics. the only men i've heard about are stephen and the Dad energy guy shooting for turkey, everything else is THE GIRLS 47. katie ledecky holding so many consecutive spots on every event record list she's on
hello again
48. Snoop ACTUALLY with martha stewart and both of them in full esquestrine (??) fits 49. WOMEN HAVE WON THE V A S T MAJORITY OF USA INDIVIDUAL MEDALS YAAAAA 50. ilona maher still shes just. ugh. (as i write this i get a post w a pic of her and stephen captioned "asking a bisexual woman to explain her type" lmao) 51. KAYLIA (?) AKA ALGERIA'S FIRST GYMNASTICS MEDALIST 52. proposal 53. the mixed doubles couple in ?? badminton?? who broke up to focus on their sport then won together and got back together <3 love is real 57. not only the pregnant fencer but I also just saw about a pregnant shooter??? again these kids are gonna have top tier bragging rights. also women are sick as hell 58. maybe already said this but im not reading the last fifty seven entries to check so any of the women's gymnasts and their just proud af smiles when they hit an incredible stick. like the way they just stand there for a sec and slowly bring their arms down bc they previously accounted for an extra beat while landing. chefs kiss ugh 59. whoever the hell made stephen an american flag cape 60. omfg saw a post with a bunch of people talking about stephen and one of the connections was "so and so who is in the pommel horse specialist group chat" because a) that is a thing that exists??? im so delighted and b) what he was saying was that he usually logs on to see that stephen is playing some NERD ASS VIDEO GAME (i am not that direction of nerd so i dont remember which it was). obsessed 61. IMANE KHELIF. get angry yall. saw someone say "all it took was the other woman saying she had never taken a hit that hard. but girl ur in the hit people hard sport. at the most elite level." like ya. reading up on the "transvestigation" which is a term i just learned and genuinely needs to be cut tf out because the implication that ALL men will be and are biologically stronger than ALL women is absolute bs. 62. Noah Lyles: "America. I told you. I got this" so true king 63. the medal counter that added a ring category for the couple that got engaged lol very wholesome 64. jade carrey coming back to the olympics simply because she didn't perform up to her standards at Tokyo 65. omg the pic of simone touching up her lip liner SO iconic 66. oh the other name for the womens gymnastics team (other than fuck around and find out) being the golden girls because they're the oldest team to compete maybe ever? for usa 67. the owner of stephen's former (? current?) gym saying the phone has been ringing non stop with parents signing their sons up for classes 68. DID I ALREADY SAY LAURIE HERNANDEZ COMMENTATING + HER W ALY AGAIN??? 69. as the sixty ninth entry this feels appropriate. the paris pole vaulter who didn't win bc his dick caught the bar. 70. also sha'carri richardson's silver but also her in team USA and a ponytail... idk if i love or feel a Type of Way bc shes so known for her own style but also this feels super affirming that she's competing for team USA but not in a way thats something she needed, more like we needed. does this make sense
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i watched speak no evil w my brother and now i need to talk about it. not to make this about race but something that jumped out to me was that this movie would only work with the whitest fucking family you’ve ever seen. let’s start at the beginning
1) we did get there late so idk what purpose dunking on danish ppl served so let’s just skip to the part where they let their twelve year old daughter ride a scooter with a man they JUST met. if some white middle age man offered to let let me ride saddleback on his motorcycle my parents (or at least my dad) would be like hell to the mf no and then we wouldn’t be allowed near him or his wife or his son ever again
2) speaking of his son that’s another reason why the movie would be over before it started. that’s prob more of an immigrant thing though (or like a machismo thing) bc i don’t think i’ve ever been allowed to play with boys no matter how old we were
3) okay actually my mom would have been a little fooled by that british accent
4) oh my god if we went over to this family’s house and the hosts were like “you’re sleeping in the same room as our son! :)” my parents (probably both of them) would be like hell to the MF NO. and then we’d drive back home and go no contact
5) the lack of backbone killed meee. if for some reason we weren’t gone by then you know what would have done the trick? some unfamiliar man being our fucking babysitter. my dad would be PISSED. my mom would be like “a brown man? girl…”
6) the husband telling everyone to swim in their underwear? girl…
7) i’m kinda forgetting the other details so im officially done dunking on white ppl. no offense to agnes bc she was distressed but feigning her period while she was bleeding in the front was like ..?
8) OH WAIT. back to dunking on white people bc if my parents (even my mom!) found me in some family’s BED holy shit. they would not careee about that lady’s sob story they’d escalate shit so much that the hosts would just kill them right then and there
9) also that stuffed animal agnes had was sweet and i love the lengths her parents went for her but my dad would be like get the fuck OVER it girl. and then if i tried kicking the backseat well. haha. let’s just say thqt wouldn’t end well
10) okay but also if i showed my mom those pics i dont think she’d believe me no matter how weird these people were LOL. like she’d still try to leave but i dont think she’ll be like “omg you’re right!”
11) the cheating beat was what rlly did it for me. like if that were my family the movie would be over before it even started. like i was confused why the wife kept saying her man was angry bc he never even yelled at her and the closest he ever came to lashing out at agnes was trying to get her to stop kicking his seat
12) he rlly was so in love with patrick though i thought there’d be at least one kiss between them
13) why did ppl (read: men) in the theatre start BELLY LAUGHING when patrick kept kissing the wife? gross
14) dude. if we didn’t manage to escape once (even tho we def would have… no way would either my parents drive back for a stuffed toy) my parents defintely would have kept driving even if patrick did push their son (who wasn’t rlly his son… but im gonna keep calling him that bc i don’t remember his name) into the lake. like for me my mindset for scenarios like that is “oh well u don’t rlly know how you’d react until it happens to u” but i know EXACTLY how my mom would have reacted. she would have kept driving
15) i do love the wife though. i feel like they were trying to make her annoying but we all need people like her. the food throwing scene was so upsetting (im a sensitive baby) and the husband not having a backbone drove me crazy. actually the husband was pretty much useless even before he broke his leg
16) i hate that uppity “im not gonna stoop down to their level” mentality. patrick literally said he was gonna take ur 12 yr old child as a child bride and u didn’t end it??
#long post#speak no evil was ok i just wouldn’t see it again#mostly bc those parents were so irritating#also sorry for all the typos my family was like who are u textinggg and i was like. haha. tumblr dot com
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asking my 13 year old sister to name, identify, and rate all bsd characters
tw mentions of abuse, death, sh
atsushi (accidentally spoiled it for her)
age: 17
role: main character (also kinda spoiled this)
power: fire (because of his eyes)
comments: mid outfit. wonky hair. cute smile.
backstory: his dad abused him and killed his mom. he always hated his dad. his dad never acknowledged him as his son (ayo she kinda cooking??). he ran away and found a magical school where they'll teach him to use his powers.
good/bad: good
rating: 6.5/10
name: gojo
age: 17
role: good guy but the bad cop in interrogations
power: flight
comments: hot
backstory: his dad tried to kill him, but his mom saved him and died in the process. (why is she always killing off the parents??? okay asagiri go off.) he always hurt himself because he felt bad (im word-for-wording it rn guys) and his dad turned into a really bad guy---not like he really wasnt one---and tried to kill him again but failed so gojo killed him instead.
good/bad: good
rating: 10/10 but has emotional damage (??)
name: christopher
age: 13
role: younger sibling to someone
power: mind reading
comments: hot. and gay. (stop crushing my dreams girl.)
backstory: (me: does he give orphan?) he does give orphan. his parents died in a car crash (she's cooking y'all) he always stayed at an orphanage but then he was adopted/taken in by a powerful teacher guy (word for word y'all).
good/bad: good
rating: hot so 10/10
name: batsushi
age: 19
role: villain
power: shapeshift into diff ppl (COOKING?????)
comments: everyone thinks he's a good guy but he is. fax.
backstory: his parents died when trying to kill 2 heroes so he went to an orphanage and a bad guy comes to adopt him and trains him to be bad
good/bad: bad
rating: 2/10
special addition
name: gavin
age: 21
role: villain
powers: "idk hes just evil"
comments: hot. but gay. "a little too old for me" (YOURE 13??) "he gives meanie-pants."
backstory: took in the above and made him evil.
good/bad: bad but manipulative
rating: 8/10
name: mona lisa
age: 19, raccoon is 3
role: villain, raccoon is his mastermind
power: doesn't have one the raccoon is pulling the strings
comments: coquette (she saw the hairbow post on pinterest). (she found out he's not evil atp.) ugly only w his hair back (???)
backstory: his parents abandoned him and he doesn't know who they are. he decided to make a name for himself so he made friends with a raccoon and makes him do the work
good/bad: bad, but actually good (shesaw the pinterest posts WHAT R YALL POSTING ON THERe???)
rating: 7.5/10
let us know if u want part 2 and what characters u want!! she's fine w it<33
#tw abuse#tw child abuse#tw death#tw murder#tw sh mention#tw self harm#bsd#bsd atsushi#bsd dazai#dazai#bsd ranpo#bsd fyodor#bsd nikolai#bsd poe#bungo stray dogs#bungou stray dogs
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I don’t know but I feel like i have to put it somewhere?
Contains religious trauma and venting about Christianity thanks
I was raised on Christianity, Baptist to be exact, and then slowly my family gravitated into being non-denominational after a while.
I was maybe 10, going to bible club once a week, having fun with my friends, but with the terrible fear that I wasn’t being good enough for God.
A bit before i turned 11, my aunt told my mom that I was heathen and wasn’t good enough because I called my brother annoying. So i got even more worried.
From when I was 11-13, it got slightly worse. I started attending a more focused on God bible club and study twice a week, and it was okay for a bit. Eventually though, stuff was going downhill. I had a really bad stutter. Bad enough that I tried not to talk in public most of the time and was terrified of going anywhere where I would have to speak for myself.
My grandmother, who was no bible thumper really, but she was Christian, decided to tell me one day when I was 11 that my stuttering was because God was punishing me for being an evil and bad child, and that I was going hell for being so cruel and mean. I cried a lot, i think, and I almost had a panic attack at bible study the next day. It hurt, badly.
I had really bad anger issues, admittedly, and I know I should have tried to work on them, and I did sometimes, but I was still pretty bad. I was so terrified after that though that my stutter got worse and I was scared of trying to not stutter cause it would make me stutter more.
When I was 12, my club leader told me that I was a bully (i wasn’t, i don’t know where he got that from) and that God wasn’t going to be happy with me unless I stopped acting like i did. I then started trying to read the bible more and act like the other kids around me, and the few friends I did have stopped being friends with me due to being a “bully”. Mind you all, I was homeschooled, so these were the only times I had around other kids my age.
Right before my 13th birthday, I had a few months go where I thought I liked a girl. I got in trouble for asking about it and being online talking to other people who were thinking they did to. I was grounded for months and I was told that it was against the bible and God and that I was being stupid and would go to hell for even thinking I could like a girl.
Around the time I was 13, we were in zoom meetings since Covid was going around. We were reading Abraham and Isaac’s story and I wanted to cry on camera cause Abraham was willing to kill his child cause God said so. I remember asking my mother and she told me that she would never do that, and I was okay for a bit, until I heard my grandma disagreeing and I was crying again.
When I was 14, we had moved states and I was in a different bible club. The new leader lady said i needed to ask God before doing anything, any decision. If it was important enough for there to be a secondary option, i had to ask God. So I was terrified of every time I did something, trying to think and wonder if God was agreeing with the decision i made.
I started having panic attacks, stuttering more, I couldn’t even open the bible without seeing my notes and where I had written everything I had watch myself for. I was so so scared that I was going to hell for being horrible. I was terrified that I was going to do something wrong and end up in hell for being mean, not making the right decisions, liking a girl, or even for just stuttering too much.
When I was 15, my parents left Christianity for their own reasons. Me and my siblings stopped going to club and bible study, and my grandma died. I had nothing tying me to the religion anymore.
To this very day, I’m still terrified that I’m doing things wrong. That every time I look over my shoulder, a crack will open in the earth and I’ll end up in hell. Im scared that I’m wrong, and that I was really the problem. Every time a friend encourages me to heal and try reading the bible without someone else’s words in my ear, I have a panic attack trying to do so. Im terrified.
Alongside this, I have friends and people at school who judge me for not being Christian anymore, the ones who tell me I’m dramatic or stupid, the ones who tell me that i’m not listening. My own soccer team gave me weird looks when I wouldn’t pray with them before games because I felt like I was going to be sick, and one of them mocked me and almost cussed me out for “embarrassing her”.
I’m trying to heal, I’m trying to get over my trauma, but sometimes i worry if it’s really trauma or am I being dramatic and making it up in my head.
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crazy how i have no one
#like yes i have my internet friends and i adore them ofc#but i have no fucking one irl#and i mean no one. my mom’s side of the family is all dead and the other side is uber christian and doesnt give a fuck about us#i only have my brother#and i need help and support so horribly bad but i wasnt there for him when he needed me#so why the hell should he be there for me. he shouldnt#im going to have to rely on myself this time and i cant do that#i dont trust or believe in myself whatsoever#i think im fucking horrible and useless and repulsive#and idk how to be nice to myself bc ive never felt that and i dont know how to self soothe#i dont have the energy physically or mentally or emotionally to learn#and idk what to lean on anymore if i want to quit abusing substances#realized recently how much i do that.#and for how long. a decade. ive been acting like a 13 yo this whole time#idk how to move past and grow up. god i absolutely need to see my therapist again. if she’ll have me#i fear ill be rejected tho ive left and came back several times and last time she said ‘ofc ill take you back youre my person’#whatever that means. ive been an anomaly to every therapist/psych ive been to apparently they all mention how weird i am and how they cant#figure me out. like damn me too doc!#i want to email her so bad but i wont be able to see her until my insurance goes thru and i dont want to get free labor out of her if i dump#all the trauma ive sustained since i last saw her on her yw#but i want to get better i dont want to live like this anymore i cant do it#any of it#my coping mechanisms are all self destructive and i want to grow past that#but i need help and i dont have it. not really#whatever i guess. first step call and see wtfs going on w my insurance#i feel like i need help even for that . i feel so utterly incapable of everything snd i always have#i can do it. i can do it
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tell me a story about u
bestie you know more of my stories than anyone and you still want more?? i can’t believe you aren’t sick of them yet lmaoo. i’ll tell you a few from that liam-esque list i sent you a while back.
GATHER ROUND KIDS!! STORYTIME!!
story 1: idek when this was probably when i was like 13 but anyway we were gardening n shit and i was by all the tools takin a break bc i planted like 20 zucchini seeds (bad idea in hindsight all we ate that summer was zucchini) and i was tired. so i look down and there’s a garden hoe next to me and i’m getting flashbacks to my childhood when i watched tom and jerry obsessively and i think “huh. i wonder what would happen if i stepped on it” guess what happened. smacked me right in the face the second i stepped on it. blood went everywhere. face, clothes, tools, soil. brother is laughing. sister rushing for towels. mom making sure my nose wasn’t broken. dad wishing i was never born. my face messy with tears n blood n sweat. i consider this a win bc not only did i get to live out a childhood fantasy but i didn’t have to garden for the rest of the day!
story 2: i am. dumb. and impulsive. and i think movie magic applies to me. all this, but i’m 9 years old. we had just moved and a perk was that a golf cart came w the house. so when, for reasons i can’t remember, there was a dirt hill in my backyard i knew EXACTLY what to do with it bc i had just watched wreck it ralph AND played a mario kart tournament the night before so i know a ramp when i see one. see where im going w this? when i saw the dirt hill i got on the golf cart and fuckin floored it. the thing is, i didn’t know that the dirt wasn’t packed in, so it was too soft for the tires. i did not make it over. the cart tipped over and i fell out. it almost crushed me. the funniest part ab this is when my mom came over to check on me she was like “i saw you speed off and i KNEW what you were doing” i wasn’t allowed to try it again.
3. i had a goldfish named herbert. i won him at a festival when i was like 12 and he came in a plastic baggie like from finding nemo. so i brought him home and i quickly realized i had no place to put him bc he was my first (and only) fish. so i threw out these flowers my mom had in this really big vase and i put him in it instead. during this time i didnt have a phone bc i accidentally broke it a few days before when i was jump roping and had it in my pocket and it flew out. SO i didn’t know what to feed herbert bc no google and neither did anyone else and they didn’t want to help me raise my new son so i had to figure this out by myself. do you know what i fed him instead of fish food? ritz crackers. how tf was i supposed to know the salt from the crackers would kill him. the concept of “freshwater fish” eluded me at the time. i woke up the next day and he was floating at the top of the vase. but the worst part of this story? i was preparing a small, intimate funeral for herbert bc he deserved nothing less and i took him out of the vase and put him on a plate. then i left for like 5 minutes to make sure my brother and sister were going to be in attendance and to throw some rose petals in the toilet bc if i was gonna flush him it might as well be beautiful. but. when i went back to the kitchen to get herbert, my cat was eating him.
4. last story! my cousins and i are really close and we do this thing when all of us are available and we call it a version of guy’s grocery games based on who the judge is that night (we replace the g with our initial) where we each make food but change it up in a creative way. this time was pizza. i teamed up w one of my cousins and we decided to make a pizza based off the fast food chain raising canes. so we go to canes and order a bunch of chicken and fries and bread and we even got a cup full of canes sauce for $5 and we also bought a premade pizza dough. the pizza was DIVINE and i’d eat it again but be warned you need pepto bismal on hand if you eat it bc it’ll rly fuck up ur insides. but, even tho it was the best invention ever, we didn’t fucking win. what did we lose to, you ask? a ramen pizza. my brother and his gf made it w the recipe I SENT HIM!! but the thing is, this recipe called for soy sauce and my cousin is allergic to soy. my brother asked me for his allergy list in preparation and i forgot to put it on there. so my cousin was ab to take a bite when my brain connected the very very important dots and i smacked it out of his hand.
hope u enjoyed all that!!
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we had fun tho the whole family hung out and we did some sporclee and chronophoto and then globle me n lamp nd father did globle bc mein mamma went to sleep. yay :]
#nd i think tmrw or something like that me n my mom will finish off 13s run in de#which im excited for bc im rly excited to get to 15 bc my mom loves it and im excited to be caught up so we cn talk abt everything#i am a bit bummed i ws rly hoping 2 like 13s seasons better this time around.. but i didnt :[ just the writing didnt come together 4 me and#i feel like the companions weren't developed much at all#and im famously a timeless child hater like i think its stupid for the dr to be the timeless child. like if there hss to be a timeless child#Fine ig its a fine origin story its kind of a like. answering a question nobody asked thing#where like. yk. i was fine with the tjme lords judt having regeneration#but mein mamma told me that they like drop all that and it is Nottt mentioned again eith the new writers which is so funny#the blessing and the curse new writers. bc the blessing is if there was a writing decision i dont like The new writers will completely#abandon it and go do their own shit. the downside is they do the same for things i do like#missy what happeneddd like where. UGH we cant even get into it i miss my princess so badly it hurts#ik we like. saw her die im just like. bc this master was not at all like.. it just doesnt feel like a continuation at all#my moms theory is he might actually be an earlier incarnation of the master since they never actually specify. nd then i was checking the#wiki and rheres some weird stuff like. missy forcing all of her Good parts to regenerate into some other lady and then like.#idk it just said that. so idk if that implies the bad parts regenerated into like. evil master... i dont know. but wtvr. im excited#and a little birdie told me donnaaaaa will be baaaaaaaaackkkkkk which is the best thing that could ever happen to me im SO excited. my#friend donna#i like that like. i like getting new companions inlike when companions dont overstay their welcome cough cough. clara. but i do love seeing#companions come back like sry it does get me everytime im always like My friend my friend my friend. yk. i just love to seeing them again...#oh i got distracted. i was gonna say i rly dislike the dr being the timeless child bc i rly like when the dr is judt like. a guy. gender#neutral my mom laughed at me bc i said rhat earlier and went That sounded like im complaining abt hrr being a woman. im noy#THATS WHY I WANTED 2 LIKE HER LIKE. im so bummed that the first female dr is the one with In my opinion the weakest writing. like fml. tho i#havent seen any of the older stuff so idk... just from 9 onwards is what iiiiive got going.#but ya. i ws so worried voicing my criticisms to my mom bc i ws worried i ws just being a hater or nitpicky#but my mom agreed with me on a lot and ya. i rly like discussing stuff w my mom even tho im almodt positive i annoy her sometimes bc i get#too busy discussing my theories and being like And what about this and i get distracted from the show where theyrelike#explainjng somrthing jm asking abt. JFBFJFNT#i judt love discussion. and its tly fun to talk abt it with my mom :] yay#like ikit snnoys ppl when someone talks while watching smth or theorizes while watching smth lr asks questions that will be answered#but lke its my fav part of watching things w ppl 😭😭😭 im fr the yapperrr
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I was born in California, raised angry there and let it out in Tennessee whenever mom saw tour started. I ran away twice and ended up teaching the math class at jt moore bc the teacher didnt want to, the only friend I had was basketball captain (we spoke once, he left me notes every day after, i avoided bc his script wasn't even interestingly terrible, just boringly bad), and the only real friend I had was the after school detention / art teacher (?) whose speech was so slow and thick like how glycerin swirled into underglaze looks. whoever picked me up took me to mcdonalds every day after school to gain some muscle(?) and I slept in a friend of a friends upstairs bedroom so cozy and warm in the winters, she had a plushie robe too, I loved taking showers I took them w the lights off after school, I learned six years later that a woman was murdered in that room and that's how they got that huge of a house so cheap when they did!
my uncle left our dead dogs body in the front seat of the flatbed for 9 extremely frigid days after he passed that winter. Super Bowl Sunday it was snowing and Hersheys body was taken out the day before but the smell of death stains everything and it lingers above its stain, I couldn't inhale but it was super bowl sunday. I had the best turkish apricots of my life that day and into the night. everyone was lit. I don't remember who won I don't care, that house was the only interesting home in Nashville lol. Little bowls of those apricots in every room of the giant party. and mini pickles but I never cared for those so much.
I met a 90 yr old sculptor who was visiting the hosts (her children) that weekend from Taos. Idk how I was related to the hosts. doesn't matter. she matters! she's the only one that matters. She showed me a stone cartoon at the base of the stairs which led to her guest room. she carved it. it resembled a peacock and doughdough bird, only the head of both. and soldered onto a concrete block, that was also a pillow.
somewhere between that moment and the drive home with the dog stained truck is when I decided I was going to taos, so i ran back home to Cali first. the homecoming was profound, i didnt know i had so many friends honestly i forgot and they seemed so distracted when I needed them. i never told them i needed them because I didnt want to freak them out with the explanation. They were there though and they didnt forget, thats still crazy to me. they thought I died I wasn't on Facebook yet and I left my phone with my dad at home. My 13 yr old girl heart got distracted by the reminder of friends and access to the sea and my molding soccer cleats in the garage, so I didnt go to taos till 8 years later. I went to Taos but now im Ny using my hands and melting a bit too much, and next month i’ll be over there letting it gush all the way out again,
this season ends on the 23rd of august, I hear its for reconciling w ur teen brain, i havent visited that cascade of events in a few
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The shepherd prince
chapter zero point five: gaurd duty
chapters
characters looks: witchling, tank top and nice new pants, shaved hair, they're a black person and so is their mom, the mom has overall long wavy hair and wears red and gold clothes, many golden ring bracelets.
"can't you do it, mom?" said the young witch, wearing a tank top and a nice pair of pants with short hair while crossing their arms "i would rather work on my spells than babysit the prince again."
"hey wait! that's exactly how i feel! and seeing im your mom my spells are more important. you're 18 now i trust you can keep him busy without dying, you've had MUCH practice and i haven't even come CLOSE to finding a cure so i need to catch up on that." hissed the witchs mom in a demanding tone.
"BUT LAST TIME I TRIED TO FIGHT HIM OFF HE CUT A WHOLE CHUNK OF MY HAIR AND I HAD TO SHAVE IT ALL" the witch yelled while rubbing hair head "i feel cold now whenever the wind blows...."
"you can handle it i believe in you BYYEEEEE" said the witchs mom as she teleported elsewhere by dropping a potion onto the floor, opening a little hole leading to elsewhere.
"WH- MOM!!!.....ugh..." the witchling was not looking forward to watching the prince from the shadows.
as the witchling was sitting on tree, she was watching the prince closely, they saw him stumble, fall and hurt himself doing the chores that bun knew without knowing who ever taught them.
the witchling was displeased with this job, she always said it was "too boring" and that "the prince is simply going about his life, why must we keep the sheep from dying if we have a plan to revive them at some point."
the witchling just couldn't handle the boredom, so they toyied around with the prince a little, they made some grass puppet that looked like a monster run towards the prince to make him run away
but
he didn't run
the 13 year old prince knew only their sheep, and they weren't about to let those go. they grabbed a nearby stone and stood between the sheep and the monster. the witchling was shocked to see such bravery from someone who never even heard of it. she was about to unmake the grass puppet when suddenly something shot it right in its heart.
it was the stone the prince held. the little prince had much power that he had been using for all his chores. but he then used it to protect his herd.
the witchling had their mouth wide open after realizing what the prince is capable of. so they wanted to test how far it can go.
She made more grass puppets coming from every direction to see how the prince would deal. she knew with that much power they couldn't hurt him.
he had very sloppy and heavy moves. he doesn't know how to fight at all. the prince was strong but not exactly sure how to defend himself. so one of the puppets got close and harshly wounded his eyebrow. the witch got carried away and was almost about to go and help him but she knew she couldn't let the prince know there are other people out there for now. the sheep came to the little princes aid and helped him up as his face was full of blood from the deep wound.
the witchling kept watching. she saw the prince doing first aid on himself with the sheep helping him. she saw how he treated the sheep as family. they reminded her of her family.
the witchling kept watching the prince go about his day, setting traps from where the grass monsters came, setting traps on the edge of the woods not too far away from a hill filled with flowers. the prince went to sleep. and the witchling got ready. they put a lot of spells around the place that would be triggered whenever the wolf would come close. egg shaped pieces of wood with magical words carved into them. it was basic spell craft but it was more than enough. the beast left the castle and the witchling led it to her traps. but through the fight she realized that the prince would never do this. hurt innocent lives and devour his own family. she felt bad for him.... awfully bad.
when the fight was over and the sun was about to rise, the beast lazily went back to bed and the prince woke up hungry and thirsty.
the witchling forgot that nobody cooks for him or brings him food. he just kept drinking sheep milk and eating the cheese left in the pantry whenever they'd stop him from eating the sheep. they used a complex spell in their mom's books to make a little river and grow plants he can eat on the daily. She made a note to remind her mom to put more knowledge in his head about plants.
and it worked! the prince was surprised but very grateful.
and in that moment as she saw the prince eat and share some of his food with the sheep around him. the witchling swore she'll help him. and decided she'll keep watching him to know as much as she could about him
She left him a dictionary, it was more like a name book. She wasn't sure if he could read but she left it anyway. so that one day the prince would tell the witch his name.
and until then the young witch will learn and travel to know more about magic, to find a cure for the prince.
the prince kept seeing glimpses of the witchling. until they stopped. the prince never thought of it that much but it will all change when he meets the witchling face to face.
#oc#OCs#my OCs#the shepherd prince#my story#writing#original writing#original charcter#original characters#original story
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