#going to try and keep a consistent sleep schedule starting this tuesday and see if my energy improves uhgg

[belittlejuiced]

[starvity]

hi! i really like you work🥺 if reqs aren’t open ignore this but if they are could i please request a taeyoung vity fluff? maybe something like MC’ing with his crush or something! ty and have a good one❤️‍🩹

— ☆ mc'ing with crush!taeyoung

idol gn!reader x cravity taeyoung

genre: fluff, idol!au // warnings: mutual crushing!! who cheered?! just taeyoung being a flirt, did i forget anything...?

author’s note: thank you sooo much!! <3 took me a moment to get inspired for this one but it was so fun to write!! i'm so sane and normal about taeyoung like, that did not make me delusional at all... (★ω★)/ [requested♡]

you let out a sigh of relief as your promotions for your new album have ended after 3 weeks. the past few months have been particularly tiring for you ; you had to prepare for your comeback while being on tour and record the tracks and film the music video as soon as you were back in seoul.

you were so happy to finally be able to rest as your company announced a two-week break for your group after your hectic schedule. unfortunately (or not), you were offered a 6-month contract to host 'after school club' every tuesday!

you show the staff a mixed facial expression at the sudden news. you knew this was a good opportunity to get your group known, especially since your last title track got popular. but that also meant that you were unable to go back to see your family for the holidays. suddenly, something sparked your interest as they were explaining you what the job consisted of ; "who am i going to work with?". you’ve been training alone for quite a long time, seeing all your friends debut before you, so you thought that it wouldn’t be too bad to make some new friends in the industry. "taeyoung from cravity will be working with you, you will get to meet him next week."

friends, you said? you nod at the staff, finding it difficult to hide the light tint of pink creeping up your cheeks. taeyoung and you had in fact already met, without your company knowing about it. you were promoting your debut album on music shows at the same time and randomly met in the hallways. it was still really early in the morning and all of your other teammates were sleeping in the waiting room. you decided to go get a drink from the vending machine just outside the door when you ran into him. he smiled shyly, two cinnamoroll pins still in his hair as he had probably gotten his makeup done just now. he suddenly bowed down, greeting you "hello, i’m taeyoung from cravity". you bowed back and smiled, hinting with your eyes that you were waiting to get yourself a drink. "can i get you something, i accidentally took too much money." what a weird request, you thought. if he has too much money, can't he just keep it for next time? you don’t know why but you found his question quite endearing and accepted the offer.

finally, the live broadcast for your first appearance as a mc is starting in 2 hours. you try to calm yourself down during rehearsal so you can appear as relaxed as possible on camera. however, that was not an easy task since you could basically feel taeyoung’s knee graze against yours when you were sitting together on the sofa, reviewing the ments for today. he was close enough for you to hear his soft breathing and smell his cologne. "you seem to be quite distracted today. nervous?" he asks softly. without you knowing, taeyoung and you have become quite close, close enough for him to notice when your vibe is slightly off. you sigh "i really don’t want to mess this up." he chuckles, "i’m sure you’ll do great. we’ll do great!" he pats your thigh reassuringly. god, was he trying to make you less nervous? while looking at you with such eyes? you had promised yourself to stay as professional as possible with him when you started working together. you didn't want any stupid rumors ruining both of your new careers. but when you see how his eyes shift to your lips with a small grin growing on his face, you wonder ; does he feel the same way about me?

the show went much better than you expected. you happily thank the staff and head back to the waiting room. "you did great taeyoung! i think you're going to gain a lot of fans." you giggle, taking a sip of water and finally feeling your nervousness disappear. "are you not afraid of me stealing yours?" he asks jokingly but with a somehow serious face and you take notice of the abrupt silence that had settled in the room, as you two were alone. he then turns his phone screen towards you, showing how both your names were trending on twitter. you click on the hashtags out of curiosity and suddenly feel your whole face heat up when you see what the netizens were talking about. "first day on the job and people are already shipping us" taeyoung laughs while you were hiding behind your hands, unable to look at him. a few seconds pass and you feel a pair of warm hands coming to rest on top of yours before forcing them off your face. as you open your eyes, you see that taeyoung is standing ridiculously close to you with a stupid smirk painted on his face. "if we kiss now, how many months do you think it'll take for them to find out?" he blurts out, his eyes serious and teasing. "can you keep a secret?"

[starseneyes]

Jaw Surgery: Three Weeks Post-Op

Three weeks ago I underwent a four-hour surgery that broke my jaw into pieces and put me back together. This week has been a good one in terms of forward momentum, but also some setbacks.

Let’s start with the good:

I no longer need to wear a drool rag at all times. I can close my mouth and I can even swish my mouthwash and salt water without it pouring right out of my mouth.

On to the frustrating:

I am still not sleeping well and pain has been ratcheted up the past few days. I have been struggling with focus and productivity as a result, even though I am still working every day and trying to keep up with deadlines.

But here’s the good bit:

This morning I realized the reason for the upped pain—I am healing.

My body always does this when I am healing from a surgery or procedure! As the bits and pieces are pulling back together, it hurts more.

So, my upper jaw is hurting because the three pieces are fusing together. My upper lip is hurting because the nerve is coming back to life and I can start to feel the pain from the extra stitches and added metal.

On the horizon:

Tuesday is my four-week checkin (it’s just how their scheduling timed out) and if they are happy with everything, I get to take off the rubber bands and start eating foods with texture.

It has to be scrambled eggs in consistency, but I am just excited about my world widening a bit. I realized today that I can do a Jacket Potato if I peel off the crispy skin, and that has me super excited. Real food!

All in all, this recovery has been tougher than expected, mostly because I didn’t expect not to sleep. But, I am regaining strength and working towards healing. My swelling is going down, and my kids have not once been afraid of me. That means the world.

And my darling husband has been making a concerted effort not to eat in front of me. Like, how sweet is that!?

Next steps?

In addition to Tuesday’s checkin with the surgeon, I have an appointment Tuesday with my Orthodontist for my gum graft evaluation. That is the last piece of this whole puzzle.

If all works out, I will have that surgery in 2-3 months and be out of braces by Christmas! Huzzah!

Have questions about jaw surgery or recovery? Leave me a comment! I didn’t see a lot of blogs about this when I was prepping, so that is why I decided to write about mine. I hope it helps someone.

[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, AUGUST 31, 1999 Tom’s gone to an award meeting at a place where they’re gonna be giving out stuff to their top employees. I couldn’t go, though. I guess they don’t allow employees to take anyone they know.

Believe it or not, I’m still on a schedule. Even an hour and a half behind the usual 7:30 I’ve been getting up (sometimes 8:30). The two nights before last, I hadn’t slept well at all. Nothing woke me up, but I kept waking up on my own, either to pee or just because, so I was getting kind of tired. I was sleeping erratically, too. Two nights ago I sleep from around midnight to 5:30, then for about a half-hour at 8:30, then I ended up taking a two-hour nap from 5 PM-7 PM, so I thought I’d screw up my schedule for sure by needing to catch up if I could sleep straight through which I needed and hoped to do. Well, last night, I still managed to crash at around midnight, thanks to the Melatonin, and I only woke once, fell right back asleep, then got up for good at 6:00. Technically, I won’t need to be on a schedule for the next week or so, but I want to keep it going as long as I can. I’m curious to see how long I can keep it up. I also don’t feel comfortable sleeping during more of the hours when that Ranchero could come blasting in, like today, for example. That pickup hasn’t been there all night and all day so far, which means the Ranchero’s more likely to come banging in sometime in the afternoon or evening.

I was astonished to see that next door recycled shit yesterday. They were always too lazy to in the past.

We went by three schools that were just letting out yesterday (I can’t believe they start school so early out here!) and I swear to God, not one kid was white. Everywhere I look, it’s mostly Mexicans, then blacks, then white. What is this world coming to? Tom says whites are still the vast majority, but you could’ve fooled me. I feel like they’re running us out and that we’re gonna be totally overrun with non-whites before too long. It’s both sad and scary.

They’re still trashing our yard. And theirs, too. They’re not necessarily deliberately throwing their beer cans and juice cartons in our yard, but they leave them littered all over their yard, so when we have dust storms, the wind carries their shit over here. They’re such filthy shits! Total trash. I mean, they really are filthy pigs! If I’d heard someone say that without having firsthand experience with them and seeing how they live with my own eyes and ears, I’d be like - how can you say something so mean! But it’s true. It’s so true that they really are filthy, lazy, dirty, sloppy, messy, stupid, rude, sick, inconsiderate, scummy, lying little waste products!

Yeah, well, we’re outa here in just 27 days or a little less, you shitfucks! The apartment is gonna be much worse, though, cuz the noise there will be more consistent, since next door does give me a few days of peace here and there, believe it or not, but at least we’ll be out of here and I can get all my mail out.

Can’t wait for Ciara! At least I know I’ll be awake when she comes.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 29, 1999 As far as I know, the weekend’s been quiet. I try to keep the stereo on in the bedroom when I’m in there and in the living room when I’m in there like I am now.

The cream pickup returned some time last night or today. It’s been out front all day and doesn’t look like it’s moved. Like I said, the trips in and out have cut way down. I’m sure they’ll go in spurts. It’s at a lull right now.

The gold car came and went today, which neither of us heard, and also a shiny, silver pickup.

Friday night I had a moment’s worry for a while there, when I looked out and saw that along with the red car, a white car was out front, too. I hadn’t seen one vehicle all day till I saw these two at 7:00, and I was like, oh no. That’s that white car that banged in and out back when we talked with them. Now it’s gonna live here all weekend and be banging in and out. Well, I was only partially right, thank God. I never heard music, and it didn’t stay there all weekend like before (if it was even the same car) but it did stay overnight Friday night.

So, they didn’t wake me up, but I sure did wake up a zillion times last night, and I get so sick of this 4-hour shit! I have periods where for many nights in a row I wake up just 4 hours after I went to bed and it takes me an hour to get back to sleep.

Tom trimmed the palm trees in back and is napping now till I have to get him up for work.

We talked and lay together in bed reading, but I was right; he is taking to his advantage the fact that we don’t have to have sex regularly. He could’ve made time for it over the weekend, but fortunately, he didn’t bother me with it just like I figured would be the case. I only say “fortunately” cuz I need a break from the same old same old.

He kept his word and tried to order Sekarina, but she’s sold out, so Ciara’s coming instead! She should be here by the 2nd. She’s coming by air instead of ground. I still think I may be able to get Sekarina in the future, though, or else I’d think her item number response would’ve said, “no longer available” instead of “sold out.” Either that or be assigned to a new doll (the item number). Fortunately, they keep them around for a while cuz there are others out there like me who can’t just get something the instant they see it.

I’m hoping to get Sekarina and Chyna when we leave here, then when we get into the new house, I’ll try for those two Indian dolls from Ashton-Drake and a doll from the mall. I might buy a doll kit with any birthday/Christmas money I may get.

We had a huge storm during the late afternoon a couple of days ago that knocked the satellite signal out. I thought the thunder was a stereo at first, cuz these car stereos sound exactly like thunder. But it didn’t leak! How nice of God to sit back and watch us struggle with this leak and not be able to fix it till we get all the way up to right before we move.

Still can’t believe we got such a high offer for this house. Like Tom says, it’s like we were paid to live here.

Mary offered to take the animals if need be, which was very nice of her. Most people would never offer to do something like that.

Earlier, when Tom and I were reading, certain emotions the girl in my book was experiencing were oh so familiar to me that it brought tears of bad memories to my eyes. Tom, being the patient, loving, supportive, caring, understanding guy that he is, listened to me as I told him how I could remember being excited about things that shouldn’t be the biggest thing a 17-year-old gets excited about, like when Art would come to visit me at Valleyhead (if he wasn’t snowbound). It also went the other way around where I was bummed out about things no 17-year-old should have to be concerned with. I remember the feelings of being trapped, helpless, and having no control all too well.

Tom was such a good listener, and as I told him, he’s the most non-selfish person I’ve ever known. The only thing he’s ever considered himself more so than me (which he didn’t deny) was when it came to having a kid.

Saturday’s trip was so nice with the AC! We looked at a few pieces of land, and like I told him, the first 10-acre lot we looked at is ours! I just know it. I had an instant, strong vibe about it that said, “We’re home.” It was so beautiful, but I’m not gonna really get into being descriptive about it till my vibe is proven right and we actually buy the land. The only catch is that if we buy 10 acres, we may have to sell about 3 acres or so if the property taxes get way over our heads. Tom said that even so, there should still be plenty of room for them too, and they shouldn’t bother us. Like I said, God will find a way to bring noise to me anywhere I go, but there’s no way it could be as noisy there as it can get here. Not even close.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 27, 1999 I have both wonderful and shocking news!

First, I went and got my retainers. Yes, they are way better than braces, although trying to talk with these things is a nightmare. Melanie said that her first week with the retainers was like - oh God! But then she got used to them. True, cuz when you hear her talk, you’d never know she had anything in her mouth. It’s also hard to drink with these things. The bottom ones make swallowing hard and the top ones make talking hard. I was a little sore at first, and still am, but I don’t have any irritation like I did with the braces.

The designs aren’t as nice as I hoped they’d be. The tie-dye colors aren’t as nice as I thought they’d be, and the pink glitter’s not as shiny as I thought it’d be. I should’ve gotten the musical notes and the ants. Yes, you heard right. I did say ants. They just looked so cool and so lifelike. At least I’m getting used to how they feel in my mouth. They’re nothing compared to braces. If having braces is like having your appendix burst, having retainers is like getting an ear canal cleaned.

Melanie sure does look much better with makeup. Yesterday she had pretty much no makeup on and she looked almost plain.

I told her I tried to get my hair into two French braids like she had hers, but couldn’t do it. I can only do one. She explained how she did it, which was how I tried to do it, but I guess I have to practice some more.

Unfortunately, I can’t have either gum or Tic-Tacs with the retainers. Not so much because they stick, but because it’s awfully awkward to chew gum with the way the retainers stick to the roof of your mouth. I don’t really like the idea of having mints or things like that that I can’t feel in my mouth when I wear these things. I don’t have to go back to see Mel and have my fillings done till September 27th, the same day we have to be out of here. Yes, we got an incredible, unbelievable, mind-boggling offer of $83,500!

First, the Ranchero shocked the shit out of me by coming and going quietly last night at around 10:00. It was too dark to see if the driver was her or him, but I still couldn’t believe it. You know how it is - when you’re moving they quiet down, but when you don’t know when you’re moving and aren’t moving they’re noisy. I’m not saying that I won’t hear from them during our last month here, cuz I know much better than that. Also, the cream pickup wasn’t around when the Ranchero was here. That’s how it usually works. The cream pick-up was here late in the afternoon, but it’s been gone ever since. The red car was in and out yesterday, too.

At around 8:00 this morning, earlier than I’ve ever seen it here, I saw the blue pickup take off. Whether or not it lives here now and stood overnight, beats me.

Tom said he read statistics that said that this area has the least amount of kids. I’m surprised. You’d think God would put me where they were most plentiful. Then again, most of the houses we can see from ours have no kids, and of course, the two that do have to be right next to us (next door and next to next door). Tom said that when he was doing the roof, he discovered an oriental family with tons of little kids two houses down, which is like three houses down with W. Weldon in the way, towards the other side of us.

We received the whole $1000 back that we had given Leona.

This has got to be the longest time I haven’t heard from Andy. We’re talking two weeks now. I didn’t say anything about his little phone call the first day the house was listed (I’ll mention that in his mail), but I called last night to tell him of the offer we got and that the house is off the market, so he can call directly anytime now. I haven’t heard from him, and believe me, if I don’t hear from him, I’m not leaving any more messages. I don’t know if he went and dumped me knowing I would anyway, or if he’s busy as all hell, or what, but if he did dump me, then I guess that’s good. That way I won’t feel as guilty about dumping him. Nonetheless, I don’t want him to call me if he doesn’t want to while we’re still here. I don’t want to make him do anything he doesn’t want to do.

I can’t believe I’ve been on a schedule for nearly two weeks!

Later…

Tom just left after coming home to eat, gather up the loan papers, have me type a quick note to enclose, and look at the property listings he picked up this morning. He’s gone to drop the loan papers off now and pick up my meds.

The mountain house is still for sale, and the ad we liked best was for a 10-acre secluded corner lot that’s rigged with utilities. He’s gonna go back tomorrow to see about buying that, then he’s gonna contact Steven who’s gonna bring the contractor in the next day.

Someone’s gonna come within the next ten days to do a home inspection in this house. It looks like we are gonna dodge fencing the pool, after all. Great!

If this deal goes through - and it better - I’ll be able to get Chyna too, and have her, Sekarina, Pine Leaf, Sacajawea, Ciara, and whatever I get at the doll store I got Bailey at. I just hope the Indian dolls and the ones from the shopping channel will still be available. I can’t wait for them and to return to the store I got Bailey at!

After just one week and two showings, someone wants this house! It is the couple who last looked at it to be buying it and we were just so shocked to learn that they put $23,000 down already! Also, it’s so weird how they barely looked at the house. They never went into any closets or anything. I really think they’re gonna rent it. I hope so. They seem way too nice to live here, but if they do, maybe they’ll be able to tolerate next door’s shit. Whatever happens, it’s not our problem or responsibility.

The catch, though, is that there’s a very good chance that we will have to be in an apartment for about a month, but fine. Anywhere but here next to these freeloaders! We’re gonna sneak the animals in, cuz it’d take them at least a month as it is to evict us, so let them evict us if they catch us with them.

I’m also excited that I can finally send my mail out in a month!

I wonder - was God having next door’s shit dumped on us as our compensation for getting such a big offer on the house and being able to get the stuff on the list for the new house, the computer stuff he wants, and an extra doll for me, too?

Poor Tom. He’s had just a few hours of sleep for many days now, but now he can finally catch up. He just went into the bedroom, and when I’m ready for bed, he’ll move to the couch. I have his stereo on out in the living room that’s even more powerful than mine, so I’ll be less apt to hear the Ranchero just as soon as it’s back to its old shit, but I don’t care! We’re out of here in just one month! As long as they don’t steal my sleep. They haven’t yet, but you never know what to expect on weekends. Anything can happen anytime, but weekends are worse, cuz it ups the chances of anyone banging by.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 26, 1999 I was too bummed out to write for a while there, but now I’m in a good frame of mind to write.

Let me go in order of how the events unfolded.

First, at Osco, before coming home to listen to the cunt in the Ranchero, we got an electric toothbrush. It’s great. Melanie recommended it, saying it helps vibrate plaque and tartar off. Well, it sure does remind you of being in a dentist’s office with the way it vibrates. The cool thing about it is that we can both use it. It’s got separate brushes you attach to it, with colored rings to know which brush is whose. Naturally, he’s blue and I’m pink.

The best thing I got there, although that toothbrush sure was a fine investment to help kick this cavity crisis once and for all, was a 16” doll that was only $15. I got a lot of doll for just $15, too. She’s my cheapest one too, next to my first one which I stole while at the Vista. It’s hard to believe I have other dolls about her size, give or take an inch or two, that aren’t as nicely dressed and cost around $80 like Sunshine and Lollipops.

She didn’t come with a name, but I’m sure she had one that was on the box that Osco took her out of before setting her on a shelf, so I named her Ashley, and I also renamed my first no-name doll Katie, since Mystery is my nickname, and since I’ll probably end up with several no-names over the years.

When I first walked towards the shelf I noticed the other doll they had first which was a couple of inches bigger, thinking, oh good. I can finally have a black doll. However, her eyes looked totally phony up close, although her hair and her mint green dress were nice enough. She was $25.

Ashley has green eyes and long brown hair which was in two braids. I took it down, though, and brushed it out. Amazingly, she didn’t have anything on her head. No hats, bonnets, feathers, flowers, anything. Although her imitation leather shoes and purse are an ugly shade of dark green, her outfit really is nice. She has white stockings, and a pine green velvet dress with a white pinafore (blue, green, and white really are the most common doll colors!). At least I think it’s called a pinafore. It’s a white, lace-trimmed apron-like thing with straps that go over the shoulders. There’s lace that puffs out at the shoulders, as well as at the hem of the pinafore and at the sleeves of the green velvet dress. The velvet feels nice. I put my heart necklace on her and she looks quite dazzling for such a small cheap doll. She looks like she could be on her way to a fancy Christmas party. She needed some work, though. I polished her nails dark purple to give her hands definition and make it look like she had barely visible nails. I also glued the latch on her purse that tore off and wiped some dark smudges off her face. What’s weird, though, is that she has glued on and painted upper lashes. Usually, it’s one or the other and not both.

I put Bailey, Maria, and Ashley in a big box, so I’ll have just four doll boxes and one loose doll (Sekarina) when we move.

Fortunately, the cream pickup did come back yesterday, as did the red car. The red car didn’t stay there all night, though. I also saw a red pickup over there I’ve never seen before, but the Ranchero took yesterday off, thank God.

Tom suggested I don’t go skinny dipping even at night cuz he’s caught next door peering over the wall many times. Many times? Not that I don’t believe it, but I’ve only caught them looking over once and it was too dark to see for sure who it was. He said he’s seen both kids and adults looking over and he says it’s cuz they’re nosy and perverted, wanting to see me naked in the pool, but I also think it’s cuz they’re looking to see what they can steal. Amazingly, though, they haven’t stolen anything yet (they’d sure get a good laugh and be disappointed with all this flab and all these craters!).

Tom got the AC fixed in the car yesterday! It’ll be so nice not to have to sweat my way to Melanie’s today! I just hope God lets the car be OK till at least after we’re moved and are a little bit settled.

While he was having the AC fixed, he walked to the mall to get a 5-year battery for this really beautiful Gucci watch Dureen gave me, which he said the guy admired like crazy. He panicked when it came time to pay for the AC repair cuz he didn’t have his credit card. It turns out, though, that he left it at the jewelry store. He also said the AC people were so nice, cuz they told him he could take the car, get the card, then come back and pay them, but it turned out he didn’t have to. That’s cuz he had the account number on the receipt from the watch battery.

Later…

Yesterday Tom called and left a message with Steven. Instead of him calling back, he sent a couple with a male realtor to look at the house without even calling first, but at least someone was looking. They were a white, middle-aged couple who seemed very nice. The woman, who resembled Norah a little, seemed easy-going, and the guy was very complimentary towards the house. I couldn’t imagine any woman, though, wanting this house.

So, Steven did end up calling later on, but not until after he was asleep. He was so dead to the world that he didn’t hear the phone, so he contacted him this morning from work or Mary’s house. According to Steve, although we agreed not to get our hopes up, he’s got an offer on the house for us. We should’ve told Steven up front what our limit as far as offers go is so that he wouldn’t waste anyone’s time with something like a $50,000 offer.

We both think it’s the couple that came to see it yesterday since the fem didn’t seem interested and since it’s been a week since he’s seen the place. If the offer’s good and from the couple that was here yesterday - great. I want to get out of here. However, I feel a little bad for them. They seem too nice to be living next to a pack of wild freeloaders.

After he gets done taking care of our daughter, he’s gonna finish filling out the loan stuff in between her appointments and mine and do it at Mel’s if he has to, then we’re gonna drop them off. As soon as we get in, he’s gonna call Steven and he’s gonna come over and present the offer to us. Do I have any vibes? Not really. All I can say is that the numbers 71, 72, and 76 come to mind, but I don’t know if that’s connected with this offer or not. It may not even have to do with the house at all.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 25, 1999 Tom and I had a pleasant talk after I last wrote, and here’s what we agreed to do. He’s hopefully getting the car AC fixed right now, and then he’s gonna call Steven when he gets in to get the price slashed and the sign out, which I can’t wait to show off to the freeloaders like I was supposed to last week. If that still doesn’t work, then we’ll just take whatever we can get for this house, and settle if that means getting out of here. We’ll just grab a ready-made 3-bedroom off of some manufactured home dealer’s lot, forget buying new furniture, dolls, etc., and just get the fuck out of here before I end up killing these freeloaders. Life is nothing but one big settlement and not getting what you want anyway, and he agrees with me, so fuck buying new stuff for the new house. We’ll just take what we’ve got here for furniture and use that in the new house, as dumpy as most of it is. I just can’t stay here the many more months it’d take to sell this house at a high enough price to get furniture and dolls. Tom offered to buy me all the dolls I want right now if that’s the key to making me feel like I have some say over my life, but I’m not a selfish off-brand. I wouldn’t just hog the money like that which we need for moving and not let him have any fun, either. If he can’t get stuff, neither can I. The number one thing is getting the fuck out of here and if the price I have to pay for doing that means giving up the material things I want, so be it.

He says next door’s not running my life, they’re disrupting it, but I’m sorry, they’re about as close to running it as they can get. Because of them, I have to sleep with music on and have music on when I’m awake that I don’t necessarily want on. They’ve stolen my peace and they might’ve stolen our dream home and that furniture and doll list too, although I will be getting Sekarina this weekend as far as I know unless he’s full of shit and doesn’t order her like he didn’t order the CDs.

I’m using my old portable CD player to sleep with that Steve gave me ten years ago, since my stereo stalls from time to time. He offered to get a new stereo for me or that CD changer. That’s nice of him, but for now, I’ll just use my old box and see what happens. I’d prefer to get most of the stuff we want after we move, but like I said, it doesn’t look like that’s gonna happen if this house won’t hurry up and sell at a decent price. We can’t even begin to sell something no one will come look at.

Again, as we both agreed, life’s not what we want, so I’m seriously considering quitting this story-writing I’ve been doing. Why should I bother? I won’t be allowed to do anything I want with it, so why should I make a fool of myself and waste my time trying to be successful with it while God’s at my side doing everything he can to see that I fail?

Later…

The cream pickup hasn’t been here all day. An extremely bad sign. One saying that the ranchero will definitely be here every day sometime between 2:30-7:00, so I’ll be forced to choose between listening to its music or mine. Naturally, I’d rather listen to my own if I’m gonna be forced to listen to music.

I wish Tom would hurry up and get home so he can call Steven.

I saw those figurines at Osco yesterday and decided they just weren’t that impressive the second time around, so I didn’t get any. They just didn’t have enough color. They had other figurines I had seen before that were nice, but again, the colors were dull.

I did get a birthday card for his mom.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 24, 1999 It happened again. AAA Taxi came next door, although this time it was a white guy who pulled into the driveway. He got out, went to the house, came back, then left without taking anyone with him. Weird.

The furniture truck didn’t spend the night there last night, and the Ranchero is still taking a break, thank God!

I can’t believe I’ve kept a schedule for over a week now. In the past, when I couldn’t fall asleep till later and would want to go to sleep earlier the next night, I couldn’t. However, last night I fell asleep two hours earlier like I had hoped to. If it turns out I can really keep a schedule, then the only thing about motherhood I couldn’t have handled would be the kid itself, besides carrying it and having it. That’d be nice to know, but I still want to keep it just us two, and I know God will see to it that although I may not get 98% of my wishes, I will get this one. It’s a done deal. Something I know I don’t even have to pray for. Regardless of what a woman wants/doesn’t want, she can count on her intuition to know these things.

Later…

Here I was worried about kids coming in and trashing the place when what I really have to worry about is someone - anyone - coming to see the house in the first place! I do have a show vibe for today, though, so I changed the animals and tidied up really well.

Today my teeth are a little sore. I guess it took a while for all the pressure to catch up to them. Also, I’d say that the most cursed tooth on the bottom which was the furthest off from being straight, has started to shift back slightly. I hope there won’t be a problem fitting the retainer, but I guess they should know what they’re doing. I guess that if they thought my teeth shouldn’t be free of anything for a few days, then they wouldn’t be. It’s just that Kathy told me something that made me wonder how they could let the teeth be free for a few days. Maybe Kathy was exaggerating just so I’d be faithful with using the retainer, but she told me that if I took it out upon waking up and left it out all day, it could be a very tight fit that night when I went to put the retainer in. If that’s all it takes, then why are they letting me go for three days with nothing? Maybe it was different for Kathy, who said her teeth were so bad she had to have braces for four years. How lucky I am, then, to only have had the top for 16 months and the bottom for 8 months.

Later…

I’ll have my company keep it down, my ass! Yeah, the fucking Ranchero just blasted in. It was that kid with her two kids, not the cock. I knew, though, that they were lying through their teeth when they told the cops they’d have their company keep it down. They lie about everything, the fucking lazy, rude, selfish, sick, fucks. Ooooooooh, I want to kill them sooooo bad!!! Fucking, motherfucking freeloaders, I hate you all!!!

Well, since Tom can’t stick to doing anything we agree to do and we can’t call that non-emergency number, I’ll just keep my headphones on for the rest of the day, cuz I know it’s gonna bang in and out and in and out. Hey, didn’t I just say that the peace won’t last? I know how these fuckers operate. They may be quiet for a few days, then it’s right back to the same old shit. They just don’t care and they’re just gonna do what they want and what they want only. They think they own the world.

Why must I always pay for every little good thing I get in life? Why?! I was out enjoying myself with Tom and I got a $15 doll, an electric toothbrush for us both, and some barbecued ribs, and now God just has to compensate me with next door’s shit. He just has to! He just can’t let assholes like this leave me the fuck alone! I’m tired of him allowing people to fuck with me like this when I never did a damn thing to them to deserve it in the first place.

Later…

I told Tom I was going to call that number, cuz I was just too pissed off and wasn’t about to take this for another God knows how many more months. To make matters even worse, my stereo had to stall out on me again. It’s working now, but lately, it’s been hit or miss with the fucking thing. It’s like something up there is saying, “I want you to listen to their music! You must!” Well, why must I? Huh? Is it really that important to God that I be forced to listen to neighbor’s noise, not be allowed the right to ignore them, and have to sleep with music on the way I do and hope it drowns theirs out? Is it really fair? Is it really what I deserve? Why is God so hateful, controlling, and vengeful? I just want to be left alone! Why has that been too much to ask for since 1992?!

Anyway, when I called the number the woman said she could send a cop out to talk to them, but they could just turn the music back on when they left, so I should file a formal complaint and prosecute. I told her to forget it cuz by then we just may be lucky enough to be out of here. Tom, though, didn’t handle it very well, as usual, making me feel like I did wrong by telling her to forget it. He said he wasn’t trying to blame me for anything, it’s just that I used poor judgment. I guess he thinks I should’ve gone through with it. However, as far as I was concerned these things take too long, anyway, and may not be effective. This is why I told her to forget it. He said that it depends and that not all complaints go to court. Yeah, well, just forget it. I know God would make sure it took a lot longer than it will for us to get out of here, anyway, so what’s the point? He just refuses to help me help myself, so fuck it.

OK, God, you won. And so did your freeloaders. You happy? I’ll just live with whatever they do, and not bother to bitch to Tom if he’s gonna get all stressed out and paranoid. Besides, maybe if I just take it, God will go easier on me when we move. Maybe if I quit trying to fight him on the things he wants dished out to me, not that I could fight, he’ll just lay off me. I also don’t need to be making Tom all nervous, paranoid, and emotional in any way, so I’ll just take it. Maybe we’ll be out of here before the year’s out, and maybe things really will be quieter where we’re going.

Tom’s insisting he’s gonna call Steven tomorrow to tell him we’ve only had one showing, then slash the price next week, and get a for-sale sign, and then contact the mayor, but I know the mayor part of it, city, government, or whoever he says he’ll call is pure bullshit. He doesn’t want to deal with it. Period. And therefore, he’s not gonna do shit about next door. Fine then, but again, I hate it when he says he’s gonna do something he doesn’t do and tells me a whole new plan every week. He’s always got this bullshit story to tell me just to hold me over till we move. That’s what he’s had in mind to do all along - tell me one bullshit story after another and make one excuse after another each time I bitch about next door till we move. Well, I still say that the city is overwhelmed with these kinds of complaints and has other more important things to do, as far as they’re concerned, and that bitching to cities, governments, cops, courts, mayors, etc., won’t do shit.

Meanwhile, I’m tired of my CD player stalling, so I moved the cordless headphones, the freeloaders nearly made me break in my anger and frustration of being forced to live with their noise harassment, into the living room so I can listen to music from the satellite with no commercials (till God ends up being the one to break the headphones). It’s good how the songs overlap each other, but if I want to listen to music without going into the bedroom to use my stereo, I may have to listen to a song I either don’t like or don’t know. I hate being controlled like this! Fucking freeloaders!!!! I’m so fucking sick of them disrupting my life, stressing me out, pissing me off, and coming between my husband and I!

MONDAY, AUGUST 23, 1999 The braces are off!!! My teeth look great. The only thing I don’t like is that uphill climb from right to left on the bottom, and how they’re naturally pretty yellow. I’m gonna get them bleached one of these days, although they charge $500. I think it’ll be worth it, though, as long as it lasts longer than two weeks.

Tisha, the secretary, was joking with me when I first came in saying she heard I wanted to keep my braces.

Charlene’s not working there anymore. There’s a new hygienist there named Kathy. She’s nice, but her hairstyle is pitiful. It’s really short all over except for the sides. She has these long scraggly strands at the sides and it looks quite ridiculous.

She asked if I was excited and I said that I was psyched to finally be swapping in one misery for another, but she said it wasn’t like that. She said retainers were no big deal. That’s not what Mel says. Well, everyone’s different, so we’ll see.

The whole appointment took nearly two hours, and of course, it felt like I was there all day. It’s definitely easier getting braces put on than taken off, but at least you don’t have your mouth on fire for four days afterward. Kathy popped the brackets off, which didn’t tickle. It only took a couple of minutes to get them off, and most of them popped right off, but a couple were a little stubborn. After that, she had to drill and scrape like hell for what seemed like forever. I got my face splattered with water and mist, I choked on saliva and swallowed wrong a few times, I got my gums poked and bloodied, and the bonding reeked like hell as she drilled it off. It looked like I was exhaling smoke and it even smelled smoky. When she was scaling the cement at some points, it sent cold shivers through me.

After she polished me up and took x-rays, it was into Mel’s room where she took impressions. I didn’t realize I’d have to have that done again, but as she said, they couldn’t fit the retainers to my old ones. She did a better job than Anne did and I didn’t feel like I was gonna gag this time.

Then the doc came in, checked me over, and man, he just does not like to answer questions! I asked how many cavities I had and it took him forever to tell me I had three up top and a few downstairs that were just starting that they’re gonna keep a watch on (but I know this means I’ll have to have them filled at some point).

I asked him if it were common to have so many cavities with braces and he said it varies, but that yes, it’ll be much easier to clean my teeth with the braces off. Mel says she hasn’t had a cavity since she was ten years old. Lucky her!

Mel gave me my new toothbrush, a little tube of toothpaste, and some floss. It’s so much easier to floss my teeth now that they’re straight. It’s so nice to have smooth teeth and not have to deal with wax and knobs poking and irritating me. My teeth are smoother compared to what they were when I had brackets, although the surface of my teeth is still a bit coarse and seems to have been stripped of their enamel cuz of all the filing they had to do. I’m surprised I’m not sore due to all the pulling she had to do to pop the brackets.

Mel showed me a little photo album of the different designs you can get for retainers. I was shocked at all the choices. They even had ants! I picked pink glitter for the top and a tie-dye design for the bottom. They had musical notes I almost got, and they had butterflies and other cute things. Mel said I could probably get mice or rats put on, but because I wanted the glitter, which would’ve covered it, I didn’t get that. I like bright, shiny, and colorful things. What I didn’t realize was that they don’t just give you retainers the day the braces come off. It takes a few days to make them, so we’re gonna go get them Thursday. Poor Tom has to take his mother to two appointments that same day. I hate it when she gets in the way of our plans, but he says it’ll be no problem. I hope so, cuz I really get tired of feeling like she’s our daughter more than our mother/mother-in-law. One of the many reasons I don’t want a child is so I can be free of the restrictions/responsibilities it’d bring. We need time to take care of our own affairs too, and I just wish more family members would pitch in and do their fair share of taking care of her. Everything’s gotta be on Tom or Mary. Nonetheless, I’m gonna enjoy these few days of having absolutely nothing in my mouth.

He’s got a lot to do this week. Tomorrow he has to take the car in for the AC to be fixed and hopefully they’ll fix it without breaking something else along the way and charging a fortune, but either way, something else will break on that car soon enough. We’re totally cursed with cars.

Wednesday we may go out to get me those barbecued spareribs I miss so much, Ma’s final birthday card (I hope), an electric toothbrush, which Mel recommends for vibrating plaque/tartar off, and whatever else we may need.

Thursday he’s gotta deal with three appointments, and I forgot which day he said he was gonna call Steven, but we’ve got to get this house discounted or else we’ll never get out of here. We still may have a hell of a time even with a discount and I really think I’ll be here to turn 34.

As I told Tom, I’m thankful for all his support throughout the braces and for his taking the time to take me to the appointments.

I’m looking forward to ordering Sekarina this weekend (hopefully), and I’ve suggested he talk to someone live so he can tell them that twice they’ve said we’d receive dolls in ten days, which was total BS, and see what he can do to ensure that they get here on time.

Later…

I went for a quick dip in the pool at dusk after the bees turned in for the night. I was amazed at how quiet it was. I’m amazed at how quiet it’s been for the last few days, actually, and if the freeloaders could be like they have been for the last few days while we’re still here, things would be fine. I know better, though.

Typical poor, lazy freeloaders - get this: instead of having any blinds, shades, curtains, or anything like that in their living room window, guess what they’ve got hanging there? A floral sheet or towel. It might be an old blanket, but I’d say it’s a sheet.

Also, not that I’m complaining, since they weren’t hurting anything, but just to prove my point about when I said that they think they own this neighborhood - last night at 11:00, the red car drove over a corner of our yard in order to get by the pickup and into their driveway. Well, there’s nothing but good old desert dirt on that corner, so fine, as long as they keep their trash to themselves. For a while now, they have, cuz when they do hang out front, it’s been on the street. But they just totally think they own this neighborhood and can do any fucking thing they want. They think they can drive in people’s yards, put the garbage can where they want, blast music, etc. I still can’t believe, though, that I haven’t seen anyone or heard any music since last Thursday. They’re definitely night people most of the time since the pickup doesn’t move till sundown, but even then, it’s not going in and out a million times like it used to. Well, I’m just gonna enjoy the peace cuz it won’t last.

Got a ton of jokes from Kim. Like 22 messages from her. Most of them were good and I forwarded the ones I liked best to Tom and Evie.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 22, 1999 I’m still managing to get up at 7:30 with the alarm. A couple of nights ago, I started taking Melatonin again. That natural substance that’s supposed to help with sleep. I learned that just because the Nicorette didn’t work the first time, didn’t mean it wouldn’t work the second time. So, I’m applying that lesson to the Melatonin. It worked at first, but then it seemed useless the last time I used it. Well, we’ll see how long it’s helpful to me this time around.

I’m surprised how mellow next door’s been (that I know of) this weekend. I expected them to loiter out front, as usual, but they didn’t. I also didn’t see any vehicles visiting last night, but I was out by 10:00, rather early for a pack of wild freeloaders.

My theory has been right so far - the return of the cream pickup has lessened the Ranchero’s visits. I think this is because the fat tub of shit’s been around more, and she seems to be half and half. Meaning, half the time she doesn’t give a fuck about loud music, but the other half, she wonders if it would be smart to risk eviction. And I have to agree with Tom - I think yes, they are rude to anyone in general, but I also think they like to go one-on-one like they have with me. I think some of their shit is aimed at me, and some they’d do anyway regardless of who was around and who did/didn’t complain.

Last night they took a break, but the two or three nights before that I heard a few loud, deliberate door slams coming from the carport. I’m almost certain this was done by fatty, too. This, for example, had to have been aimed at me. Well, it won’t work as far as waking me up goes. The blacks already tried that when that bitch and her boy toy would slam doors real loud over and over and over.

I haven’t seen the silver car come or go and I really think that’s broken too, along with the van. But now we have 4 vehicles living there - the silver car, the van, the furniture truck, and the cream pickup (I hope the pickup stays). Like I said, why doesn’t she just have everyone she knows move in? Why not have the blue pickup move in, too? And the striped van? And the gold car? And everybody?

I like how the pickup has been blocking their driveway. That way the Ranchero can’t pull up in between the houses, even if it is still too loud from the street, anyway. They’re doing this cuz the furniture truck and the pickup together are too long to be in front of just their yard. I’m surprised they had the decency to block their driveway and not the one next to them since their driveway is adjacent to their yard. Ours, though, is a yard away, fortunately. I don’t imagine that they will, but that’s fine if they want to block our driveway, cuz we’ll just have the vehicle that’s blocking it towed.

I can’t believe how much the constant trips in and out have cut down for the most part. There are some days when vehicles go in and out, but I only saw the pickup make one trip yesterday. Deb and some beefy guy with a shag that’s connected to the furniture truck made the trip.

Since fatso likes cops, I’m making a point of putting bullshit accusations on every other page, so that each piece of paper accuses her of doing something like beating us up, vandalizing the house, cussing us out, yelling racial slurs, etc. This way, if she does decide to run to the cops, she can’t show them anything I’ve written that’s true without them seeing these bullshit accusations too, which won’t make her look very good. She may not care, though, but let her show it to the cops. It’s the same thing I say with the blacks, cuz I know the laws. I know they can’t do anything to me for what I’ve written. If I did something to them, that’d be different. Cops act on actions, not words.

Yesterday was absolutely ridiculous - no one came to see the house. No one! And Tom said the weekend would bring more people and Steven said we’d have a lot of showings. Bull fucking shit! I told Tom we’re never gonna get out of here till we take 10 or 20 thousand off the price, and he said that when we do cut the price it’ll sell in a day (yeah, right!). Also, people are more interested in houses that have been discounted, rather than that start off cheaper. If they start off cheaper, it’ll make people think there’s something wrong with the house. He still swears we’ll be out of here in two months, but I don’t know if I trust him. I’ve seen him be off on his timetables way too many times, and overestimate things way too often. He still insists it’s important for us to wait till after next weekend before we slash the price and that having only one person look at the place in four days is normal. Especially in the first four days it’s been listed. Well, we’ll see, but I’m starting to wonder if I’ll be turning 34 in this house. It’s been delayed a few months at a time since last March, so why not keep on delaying it? We can’t make anyone want to buy this house no matter what the price is, and God could see to it that no one wants it if he wanted to. I would hope he wouldn’t do that to us, though, and that he’d take a break from his let’s-stick-Jodi-with-neighbor’s-noise obsession. There’ll still be noise in the new place and I think we’ve been here long enough and have worked hard enough to move. We deserve to move on now!

As I told Tom, though, the fem wasn’t the least bit impressed. He said no one’s gonna be “impressed.” They gonna say that this will do. Yeah, that makes sense, since this certainly is no impressive house.

I made a point of mentioning several times to Tom how good it is to know I can go weeks in between sex without getting irritated. Why? So he’ll use that to his advantage which would also be to my advantage. Although I said we could have sex as often as he wants, and although he says he wants more sex, I know better by his actions. He has a very low sex drive. And so do I. Therefore, telling him we don’t have to worry about going too long and getting me irritated, will lead to his not initiating sex for weeks at a time for some reason or another, and that’ll suit me well, too. It’ll give me a break from the same old, predictable boring shit.

He says he still thinks I can and will conceive naturally. You mean he still believes that shit?! Good, God! I asked him how many years it’d take for him to see that, fortunately, since I do prefer life over a child, I can’t conceive. He said six more. Oh, so he needs over a decade to believe me, huh? I think he’ll be forever in denial. He’s a very arrogant, stubborn guy at times, who’s obsessed with disagreeing with me. When I’m 60, he’ll be telling me I could’ve conceived, but that I just didn’t, which would be a joke cuz people either can and do conceive, or they can’t and don’t conceive. I can’t conceive, I never will, and I’ve never been wrong about that yet, so why should I start? Deep down, though, I don’t think he really believes I’ll conceive someday. I think he just says that so he can disagree with me, but that deep down, he knows I won’t cuz I haven’t yet, and cuz he knows he’s gonna hardly ever cum.

There’s another thing I don’t understand - why hasn’t God inflicted me with female problems? Why did he see to it Tom had a low sex drive? Why did he see to it that he rarely came? These things just don’t fit into someone who’s destined to be forever childless whether or not she wants to be. I know God doesn’t have to do anything to carry out his plans for us, and fate is fate no matter what, but you’d still think he’d have me have to have a hysterectomy, or that Tom wouldn’t be able to get hard at all. The only way Tom’s sexual ways would make sense would be if God did have it in our cards to have a kid, but he just wanted us to wait, and since we know that’s not the case, how do Tom’s ways fit in? I guess it’s a separate issue, although he is how he is just like I am how I am. My low drive and lack of cumming, though, don’t matter and is irrelevant cuz a woman can still screw when she’s not totally in the mood, and she doesn’t need to cum to conceive.

Later…

So far, nothing’s gone on next door since I’ve been up. The furniture truck hasn’t moved, the cream pickup went out once, and the blue pickup visited, and that’s all. The blue pickup parked on the street, too. The cream pickup’s in front of their driveway, the furniture truck’s in front of their yard just behind it, and I guess the blue pickup managed to squeeze in behind that with no trouble.

I just hope Deb sticks around as much as I hate her flabby guts, cuz there’s definitely much less music when she’s here. The house stereo would only be loud when she was out, except for when they had their big bash upon moving in, and the Ranchero basically only comes around when she’s not here. This is why I think that for the most part, Deb would prefer the music to be kept down so there’s no shit between us for her to have to deal with, but then there are some times when she just doesn’t give a fuck and feels the need to rebel every now and then. Just to know you’ve done something you know someone doesn’t like even for just a minute or two, can mean a lot to you if you’re the type of assholes they are.

Tom’s slowly, but surely getting over his cold which I’ve managed to escape catching so far. I was pissed at him earlier for his typical shit - not being able to find stuff cuz he’s gotta be such a disorganized slob. We can’t find our tax returns for ‘97 and ‘98, but he says he’ll find them somewhere. Well, he better or he better get copies or find some other alternative, cuz we need to get the fuck out of here. I can’t wait for the next weekend to hurry up and pass by so we can slash the price on this house! We’re never gonna get out of here in two months at this rate!

I suggested to Tom that we deserve a break what with the delays, setbacks, and shit we’ve had to deal with, and that we should get at least one thing we want that we were gonna get upon moving. Of course, he had to make me wait a week first, but he agreed that we can order one thing next weekend. I don’t know what he’ll get, but I’m getting Sekarina!

I wish I had begun my story years ago, even though I couldn’t write back then like I can now, cuz by now we just may’ve had enough money to have escaped having to deal with a herd of Mormons, only to end up trading them in for blacks and Mexicans, although I’d take those Mormon’s back any day! They didn’t do loud stereos, in houses or cars.

I keep trying to reason with myself about the writing and tell myself I’m kidding myself if I think it can amount to anything, but I can’t help but feel I’m destined to make something of it. I know it’s silly to even think for a minute that I could, even if my writing isn’t too bad. My singing’s not too bad either, and yet I thought I was going to end up doing something with that. Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you’re destined to be doing it, I keep trying to remind myself, even if you have the means to do something that you didn’t in the past. Meaning, I didn’t have the know-how, money, or connections to break into the music business, but it’s a little different with writing. Today, I have the essentials for writing, even though that won’t change a damn thing if I’m right about not being destined for any kind of fame, fortune or success, and God not wanting me to do something I choose that’s non-material. Look at Andy’s friend Donna. She can sing just as well as Linda Ronstadt and other famous people out there, yet she still can’t make it in that business (maybe cuz she’s so big?). Well, I’ll just go with the flow, so to speak, and not let what I believe stop me. I’m trying to be more correct about it, of course. Trying to stay away from words like cuz and gonna unless that’s part of how a person talks or it just fits into the story somehow. I also prefer to do shorter chapters than fewer longer ones.

Later…

I can’t stand all these spiders I find every day! I find 3-5 a day and I can’t wait to get out of Spider Kingdom! I was in the bathroom when I felt what I thought was a hair tickling the side of my arm, but when I reached around to take hold of it, it was a spider on its web. Gross! Fortunately, it fell right in the toilet. We can’t bomb cuz God just had to let our AC break when we’ve got enough shit to deal with already, and I don’t know if my animals could take the heat like that. I just wish God would quit letting us get hit with delays and just let us out of here! God, just let us out of here and make true those that say you help those that help themselves.

The blue pickup came back for round two, and I think it’s out there right now for the third time today, but it’s too dark now to say for sure. It’s definitely not the Ranchero. Stick around, you fat tub of shit!

SATURDAY, AUGUST 21, 1999 I hope that furniture truck hurries up and moves. A truck with graffiti on it won't look very good for prospective buyers.

I was stunned to get all the way up to 9:00 at night without seeing one car come in and without seeing the pickup move. After that, though, I saw the red car and the furniture truck out front and also saw that the pickup had finally been in and out. There was some other vehicle parked in front of the furniture truck after the red car left, but I can't say what it was. It was too dark to make out.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 20, 1999 Yes! So far so good. Tisha called to confirm my Monday appointment. Can I still have this appointment, though, or come early Monday morning am I gonna receive a call saying there’s a problem? Well, if he plays games with me yet again, I’m out of there.

When the Ranchero came back for the second time, I headed into the bedroom for the remainder of the day with the fan and stereo on. At some point, it left and the red car and the striped van came in. So my guess was right - the Ranchero cock wanted to see its cunt before Deb and Chester arrived. Anyway, after the Ranchero, red car, and the striped van left, the furniture truck and the cream pickup arrived for the night.

Here I was bitching about Deb and Chester being jobless and lazy, but if going back to being home all day means getting this cunt out of that house who’s obviously helping out with the kids while they work (or at least Chester works) and therefore causing the Ranchero’s visits to drop back to 2 days a week instead of 6, then that’s what I wish to hell would happen. I’m hoping to hell the cream pickup is back full-time cuz I have a feeling that if it is, that’ll keep the Ranchero away more often.

What I wonder is - when’s the Ranchero gonna move in, too? Why don’t they just have everyone they know move in? They visit enough to live there.

I’ve taken shit from neighbors since 1992 and I really, really resent God for allowing it to go on like it has year after year. I don’t see what I did to deserve it and there’s no doubt in my mind that something up there is hell-bent on me having to deal with neighbor’s noise. No one happens to accidentally get this unlucky and end up next to noisy people like this 8 straight years in a row. It was definitely meant to be. That’s why, as much as Tom says I’m crazy and dead wrong, I know that even if we move to a so-called secluded spot, God will still find a way to harass me with teenagers and their stereos driving by the nearest road to us, and I still say there’ll be kids and dogs to listen to too, if not nearly as close by and as loud as I’ve heard them be here. It will never end. Never. No matter where I go, God’s got it in for me noise-wise. His 80s theme for me was definitely funny farms that are little more than drug havens and prisons that call themselves residential schools. The 90s theme was the neighbor’s noise. So what will the next decade be? I’m afraid to know the answer, but it won’t be long till I find out. If I’m right about his having it in for me with the noise from here on out, no matter where I go, then the theme of every decade I have left on earth will be noise.

I’m also upset with Tom for being the typical liar that he is. He’s always got an excuse ready for why he has to back out of something we agreed on. I knew he wasn’t going to contact the mayor when he said he was going to, and I know he won’t contact the mayor in the future. I should’ve known that when I said I wanted to call that non-emergency number and have them have to deal with cops showing up at their door every time they blast in and out, that he’d have an excuse as to why we shouldn’t and that I should trust him to get us out of here. Well, I don’t trust him. Not when he lies and makes excuses like he has ever since I’ve known him. How can such a wonderful man be not only such a slob but such a liar and a procrastinator? Why couldn’t he tell me from day one that it’s not his nature to cum, or that he just didn’t want to with me for whatever reason? Why couldn’t he tell me he’d deal with it if it happened, but that he’d rather not have a kid? Why did he say he’d order those CDs when he knew he wasn’t going to? He’s a fucking pathological liar (who has another one of his famous colds that I’m sure I’ll be getting, too)!

He also contradicts himself too much. First he says he’ll contact the mayor if there’s a problem selling the house, but now he says we have to get the contract first before we go calling any cops or mayors.

Also, he said next door was rude to anyone in general and that they don’t even consider me when they do their shit, but then in the next breath he said things were worse cuz I yelled at them. No, things are worse cuz the girlfriend of the cock that drives the Ranchero is staying there alone a lot. Yes, they do like having conflict and enemies, but if they wanted to aim shit at me they could have more car stereos going in and out for longer periods of time and they could blast music from the house. There’s much more they could do than have the Ranchero visit 6 days a week instead of 2.

I don’t know if getting a sign out front would be such a good idea after all, cuz I can’t be so sure like Tom is, that they’d want us to go. Remember, these people love conflict. They live to make enemies. So why would they want us to go when they know the music bothers us? Why risk new neighbors who just might not complain and give them the fight that they totally get off on?

I just feel bad for those kids. Right now they may be all sweet and innocent, but someday they’re gonna grow up to be just like their rude, selfish, sick, scum parents, using race as a crutch. Nobody will like them and the few “friends” they do have will be carbon copies of themselves. They too, will be just as fucked and will cry racism every time they have a problem with someone.

I not only have to hope and pray that the house sells fast and that they let me sleep (especially on Friday and Saturday nights), but that they shut up when people are here checking out the house. I never should’ve wasted my time politely asking them to turn their music down or cussing them out about it. I knew it wouldn’t get me anywhere but to vent my steam directly at them which would only be temporary till they shit on me again. I mean, what can I do? Go over there and say, “Look, I know you hate my guts for asking you to turn the music down, however reasonable a request that may be, but if you want us to go, then kindly shut up so we can sell the house, OK?” Yeah, right! And like I said, I’m not so sure they’d be happy to see us go. I don’t think they want us to go.

No wonder I didn’t feel like it was over when the blacks left. Because it wasn’t over. We just switched from blacks to Mexicans being the source of trouble, that’s all.

Later…

That was weird. Some guy just parked his car in front of our house and took Polaroid snapshots of the house across the street and the one next to it. Does that have something to do with our house being for sale? Is it to show what houses are near us?

Later…

Unfortunately, there’s been no calls yet to show the house, and I know yesterday’s fem was not the least bit impressed with this house.

I’m surprised we’re already almost up to 11:00 and the cream pickup hasn’t moved yet. I’m also surprised there have been no sales calls, but I’ll bet you anything the first one of the day will come in the next 15 minutes.

Later…

It’s almost 1:00 and the pickup’s still in place and no phone calls have come. This isn’t good. I sure don’t feel like the house is up for sale with no signs or people looking. I hope Tom’s right about the weekend bringing more people.

Tom just brought up a very good point - that some people who look at this house may not mind loud music coming and going. True. Very true. Well, then I just hope God sends us those that don’t give a damn, or at least keep next door quiet if they do.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 19, 1999 I still set my alarm for 7:30 even though our house isn’t for sale after all. I had to if I want to make my Monday appointment. Of course, there’s still the chance that they won’t make it, but so far, no call’s come to play the rescheduling game.

Tom mowed yesterday and went up into the attic for what was hopefully the last time to bring down bowls, towels, and old bomb cans.

The Ranchero took the night off from visiting yesterday. I doubt the red car, which came and went a few more times that I know of, stayed overnight, but the furniture truck did. So that’s gonna live there now, too?

God, I hate the unpredictability when it comes to next door! They follow some type of pattern or routine for a few days, then it’s anything goes. Anything can happen, any time of day over there. You never know what vehicles you’re going to see and when. You never know what you’re going to hear and when. Although I would think it was unlikely at this hour, the Ranchero, or a car I’ve never seen before, could come blasting in really loud right now. For a while there, it had gone pretty dormant traffic-wise during the daytime, but yesterday was just like the weekend or the evenings usually are. So many cars came and went.

I hope Tom won’t wait till tomorrow and that he’ll call today and find out why our house isn’t for sale when it’s supposed to be.

Later…

I hope that when we move, our AC will be more temperature-sensitive. This AC needs to be turned up as it gets hotter and turned down as it gets cooler. I hope that as the sun comes up in the new place, the thing will run more often on its own, and less often as the sun sets.

Tom just called. He’s planning on stopping at someplace to get a part for the broken car AC, then when he gets home, he’s gonna look online to see if the house is listed. He said he’ll call them today if it’s not. He thinks it is, though, and that it takes time for things to get rolling, even though we don’t have a sign, and that the weekend is gonna be when there are more people out house-hunting.

Well, I finished the prologue and the first chapter of my story. It’s definitely going to take about a year to complete this story if I can at all. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I just feel it’s destined. I’m supposed to be doing this. Yet it makes no sense. Why would God let me be an author? I’m not destined to be rich, famous, or successful. As I learned, just because I was attracted to women didn’t mean God wanted me to be with one. And just because I had a fairly decent voice didn’t mean God wanted me to be a singer. And just because I was with a man didn’t mean he wanted me to have a kid. He hasn’t let me do the things I chose to do that weren’t material in the past, so why should he start now? Well, nonetheless, I’m just gonna go with the flow of whatever’s fated to be. That’s all any of us can do. I’m gonna try to write this story, and if I like how it comes out, I’m going to try to get it published. That’s all for now. I’m actually kind of enjoying writing this story as slow as it’s progressing. Tom says that’s normal, though, and that he’ll help me get it out there. If I finish the story to get out there in the first place, which I don’t expect to do in this house for two reasons. Because there are more distractions here, and because I shouldn’t have time to finish it here if someone would just get the fuck out to the house to check it out and buy it!

Later…

It’s listed! It’s listed! A Betty with Southwest Properties just called wanting to show the house between 1:00 and 2:00. No problem!

Later…

Fucking Goddamn liar! Our first call was a no-show. Tom said to expect that. Makes sense. If they can bullshit you with false promises of seeing you or calling you in bars and other places, why not do it in real estate? Of course, there’s always the chance that they drove by and didn’t like what they saw, so they didn’t bother to come in. I suppose that the no-shows will be more often than not.

The freeloaders are hanging out laundry on their back block wall. What’s wrong with their clothesline? Too many people for that little line, huh?

Today’s been like it usually is during the daytime these days; not a car in sight.

We went online and saw our house listed there. It’s the cheapest one in this area with a pool.

Tom said we should be getting the lockbox. A box with a key to this house in it that the Realtor uses when we’re not home. I doubt no one will be home, though, when and if someone finally comes to see the house.

Also, he said it’s common for them not to put up signs right away. They’ll do it when it’s an efficient time, he says. He says it’s not the Realtor doing it, but someone who works at it part-time to make extra money.

Later…

Well, the realtor did make it over here after all. She came with her fem client after 3:00. He never said a word about the house. Tom said that’s common, though, for them not to say anything to the owners. They wait till they’re alone with the Realtors before they talk.

I agree with Tom - most gay guys aren’t very handy unless they have a more masculine boyfriend. If you ask me, this is a total bachelor’s house. It’s too small for kids, and I’d think most women wouldn’t like the looks of it, but guys are less picky about things like that.

Right after they left, and I mean right after, the fucking cock in the Ranchero came in, bass hammering. In the driveway too, the motherfucking cock! It was so close to the realtor, and oh God, did I want to let them have it! Aaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhh!!!!!!! I HATE welfare bums!!!!!!!!!!!! I fucking hate them, man I’ll tell you!

I’m just so afraid they’re gonna ruin it for us. Stay out of our way, you fucking scum-sucking freeloaders! Tom says that if a realtor can’t sell a place cuz of their shit, they’ll complain, and since the mayor’s up for re-election, the last thing he needs is realtors complaining. This will force the city to do something like maybe buy this house (so only the same scum that does the same thing ends up here).

I disagree. I think there are enough other houses for realtors to make money off of, and I think the mayor could care less. As for the city, they won’t do shit. They’ve totally given up on next door.

I do agree with him, though, when he says he thinks it’s a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. The cock that’s been coming in the Ranchero almost every day has something to do with Deb’s not being there. I think that the cock’s girlfriend, who’s probably Chester’s or Deb’s sister or cousin, has been staying there to help out with the kids and that that’s who the cock’s been coming to see. Yeah, well one way or the other, I’m gonna make sure they get theirs when I leave here. I’m not finished with them and I’m not gonna just walk away like a little wimp. I’ll be back, freeloaders! I’m gonna torture the fuck out of these little shits! I’ll scatter popcorn all over their yard to not only make a mess but to attract ants, I’ll throw nails all over the driveway to puncture their tires, whatever!

I have the headphones on now, but according to Tom, the Ranchero blasted in again. If it’s blasted in twice a day during the week, imagine how it’ll be during the weekend! The weekend’s when we’re gonna have more people here and this isn’t gonna look good. They’re gonna totally get in the way and ruin it for us, and I totally disagree with Tom when he says there’s something we can do about it. There’s nothing we can do about it. Nothing at all! I’m gonna end up killing these people before we get out of here, and I’m telling you, that’s the only way. The only way to shut people up and take care of a problem is to do it yourself. The system is too fucked up to be of any help.

Tom goes on and on about how he appreciates my control, but it can’t last forever. How far do you think you can push someone before they snap? They can only put so much pressure on me, and I’m telling you, they’re gonna get themselves killed. If not by me, then by someone. Whoever does the deed, though, will be doing the world a lotta good.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 18, 1999 The moment I’ve been waiting for for over 5 years has come! Today this old house is for sale!!

I can’t believe I haven’t heard from Andy in about a week! No response to my two reminders about not calling directly between certain hours, or his opinion on the start of my story, which I’ll get into in a minute. It’s almost like he’s gone from going out of his way to call me, to going out of his way to avoid calling me. He knows. He really knows.

Chester arrived in the striped van around 5:00. I thought, good. Now the Ranchero won’t be banging in this evening, but it did. At 6:00. It came in at a volume I’d say was between soft and medium, but I didn’t hear it leave at all. It didn’t stay as long as yesterday, fortunately, and as far as I know, it was only here once. Still, I’m not looking forward to the fact that this thing is gonna be here on a daily basis.

Still no cream pickup, but the furniture truck decided to crash there overnight last night. It’s on the street right now.

I only slept from 10 PM-3:45 AM due to the excitement of the house going up for sale today. It was weird waking up to find light faintly glowing through the sides of the shades, and I thought it was weird that I slept till sunup, till I realized it was the streetlight glowing in. Without the blocks, it doesn’t get pitch dark in there.

We did a ton of work around here yesterday. The poor guy got only a few hours of sleep before having to go to work tonight after being up for 22 hours. I worry about his heart, and you know how God is, always ready to kill good people who are way too young to die. And he does it so suddenly too, without much warning to anyone. I just hope that if something ever goes wrong with him, he can fix it in time. Furthermore, I hope and pray to God, no matter how much he may hate me as well as love me, that my husband isn’t the one to die first!

I suggested he play hooky for just one night since he hasn’t taken a day off in years, but he wants to have a good attendance record when he puts in for days.

They still have Ciara in stock. They aired her two more times.

Sekarina has taken Chyna’s place. This doll is gorgeous! She’s a 32” sitting Indonesian doll with long black hair and a gorgeous, realistic face. She doesn’t come in a pretty pink dress, but she’s beautiful. She’s $188, and I hope I can get her! So far, I’d say my chances of Ciara, Tiffany, Chyna, and Sekarina being available in 2-3 months are excellent, although I’ll have to choose between one tall doll and one that’s not so tall. If I can’t get Ciara, I’ll try for Tiffany. If I can’t get Sekarina, I’ll try for Chyna. If I can’t get any of them, I’ll start all over again and begin a new hunt.

The story I mentioned a few paragraphs ago, is the supernatural suspense story I started a couple of days ago, believe it or not. Yeah, you might be looking at the next Ruby Jean Jensen! I’m amazed at how well it’s started out so far. Basically, it’s one of those typical ghost stories. After the little girl dies in the fire, a new family will move into the house she died in after it’s fixed up, and her spirit will haunt the house. I’ve used Tom’s name and my dolls’ names for characters. I’ll get into it in more detail later.

For a while there, I was hardly hearing from Evie, but now we’re back to the daily messages. All about the kids and church. Things I can’t relate to and don’t want to relate to.

I wonder what time today they’ll pick up the dumpster. Before the for sale sign goes up, I hope.

Later…

A city pickup just arrived next door. OK, you naïve, sucker, you gonna put two and two together this time when you see the silver car and the van in the carport? You gonna realize for once and for all that there are people living there that aren’t supposed to and that the ones who are have vehicles they’re not supposed to have? No. Of course not! They’ve gotten so many complaints regarding that house, they’re sick of it, so they’ve just given up. Gonna let them do whatever the fuck they want to.

I knew it. I fucking knew it. I knew the day the house went up for sale the constant sales calls would start up again.

Later…

Thanks for the call, Andy. It’s nice to know you’re such a true friend I can count on to do me a simple little favor and not call direct at certain times. I knew it, too. I just knew the opposite-doer would call. Anything to rebel. He’s obsessed with doing the opposite of what I ask of him. This was the first private call we’ve gotten since he called me over a week ago. He didn’t say anything, just hung on the line till I hung up, but I know it was him.

The dumpster was picked up a few minutes ago. Now I’m anxiously awaiting the sign!

Later…

Still no sign up and if there isn’t by now, I’d say there won’t be one at all today. What’d they do? Go and put the sign in front of N. 21 Dr.? Botch up the paperwork? Tom said that if they don’t put it up tomorrow either, he’ll call them and also ask about those options Steven forgot to leave for us.

The blue pickup’s been next door twice today and a red car’s there right now. Another 4 hours or so and I’ll have to listen to the Ranchero blast in.

Later…

The blue pickup just came in for the third time today. Why the need for all this company? I mean, really! I know no one associated with next door works, but why does everyone have to come running over here every single fucking day of the week? Can’t they take a day off and either have no company or go to them? Jesus!

Today’s turning out to be a real bummer. No sign, no calls, no nothing. I did get some more pictures online, and I could work on my story, but I’d rather wait and do most of it, even if it takes a year, in the new house. There are too many distractions around here at certain times of the day.

Later…

What the fuck is going on next door? It’s daytime! Like I said, the blue pickup came in for the third time, then a white car came and went, and now a red car’s here again, but I don’t think it’s the same red car as what I saw earlier. The red car just backed out on the street to let the blue pickup out. If they’ve had this much company in the afternoon, the evening’s gonna be a circus over there!

I really feel like shit now. Today was supposed to be a happy day, but instead I feel miserable. I feel like Century 21 has forgotten all about us. I’m like, gee thanks, Steve. Thanks for doing a wonderful job and for making what was supposed to be a great day a depressing one.

Also, Intergroup’s fucking around again sending me a bill for the spit doctor I went to see who cleaned my ear out. Don’t these people know to just bill Intergroup? I hate Intergroup and can’t wait to have Cigna again! This billing me for shit my insurance is supposed to pay for didn’t start till after I bitched out Dr. Brown for ignoring my calls. Is there a connection? Is she having this done to spite me? Can she even do things like this?

The red car just left driven by some cock with the fatso in the passenger seat. I still don’t think she’s been staying there. As for Chester working, now I’m not sure cuz I didn’t see him get picked up today. We’re just a couple of hours away from the Ranchero.

And she’s back again, the lying sack of fat!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 17, 1999 I have a few things to update on, but not as much time right now.

I fell asleep at around 11:00 last night with the help of Benadryl. I got up at 7:30 when my alarm went off so I could be ready for the dumpster, should it come before he gets in. It hasn’t come yet. God, I hope they don’t come at 5:00!

I told Andy I’d remind him right before it’s time to stop all direct calls to me from 8 AM-8 PM. Later tonight, I’ll remind him that that’s in effect as of tomorrow. I told him to let me know if he thinks he might forget, cuz then I can just go ahead and block his number out, but he can still use the message-send thing. If he does call me, I’ll just block him out and be done with him then and there.

Later…

Just thought I’d take a break, although I don’t have much else to do. I vacuumed, mopped the kitchen floor, changed the animals, straightened up, and now all I have to do is wipe down the bathroom.

Humpty Dumpster arrived at 9:30, a few minutes before Tom got home. He’s out in the garage filling it up now.

Good news and bad news. The good news is that no, we’re not responsible for fencing the pool cuz we don’t have kids under 6. If the next people do, though, it’s their responsibility to fence the thing. For once, something in life that’s fair! The bad news is that Tom just found termites out back, but hopefully, he killed them off well enough so that they don’t interfere with the selling of this house.

I’ll be on my own Thursday with anyone looking at the house cuz he has to take Mom to an appointment. Tom said just stay out of the way and let them roam around on their own in case they want to talk in private. Not if there are little kids in tow. I’ll have to follow if there is and keep tabs on the kids since their parents won’t. I hope the realtor is wary of this too, and that she’ll keep tabs on the kids as well, knowing how destructive they are and how careless and oblivious most parents are when it comes to their kid’s shit.

Tom took the sound blocks out. I was right about spider nests. I knew something was going on in that room as far as spiders were concerned. There were a bunch of little tents they built all along the sills, so I vacuumed and sprayed them.

Looking out the front window, which the tin foil I had had behind the blocks fell off of, it was scary seeing just how fucking close next door is! These room-darkening shades really do keep light out a lot better than blinds do. Still, it’s gonna take some getting used to with the daylight in there and with headlights shining in through the sides of the shades at night. The foil in the side window held up well enough and I’ll leave it there for the next people to either keep or take down.

Anyway, with the combination of the fan and the bassy stereo I have, there shouldn’t be a problem with sleeping. Anything that wakes me up now should wake me up even if the sound blocks were still there. With just the fan or just a clock radio - forget it. I’d never sleep. I’m also going to try to stay on days for as long as I comfortably can.

I don’t know what time the furniture truck left next door yesterday evening, but there’s still been no cream pickup. Just the broken van and the silver car. A red car was here today, but I didn’t hear or see it. Tom was the one to see it come and go while he was working.

I think I may have a handle on what’s been going on next door. I don’t think Deb’s been staying there lately, and I think Chester just may’ve gotten a job! Yes, a welfare bum got a job, can you believe it? I think he’s going to work and being dropped off by that striped van. Also, I think Deb has the cream pickup. From the looks of it, her parents dropped her off here for a few minutes this morning. I don’t know the story of the silver car. My guess is that they sleep till late morning or early afternoon, but they don’t work. Or maybe they work 2nd or 3rd shift and that’s why the Ranchero kids have babysat in the evenings till Chester gets in. I just hope that fucking Ranchero’s not gonna be here every day, but I have a feeling it is.

Later…

Tom’s trimming that goddamn tree I hate so much out front. Hopefully, this will be the last time he’ll have to trim it. I reminded him to pick up the cigarette butts and the beer cans. He said he could get the beer cans, but there are too many cigarette butts and it’d be too much work. Thanks, freeloaders. Thanks a real lot. Well, I guess we’ll just have to hope it doesn’t hinder selling this house, and like he said, we can’t worry about every little thing. Also, it’s not really noticeable from the driveway and the house. You have to really get out into the yard and look at the ground in order to see shit like that, and I’d think that any people coming here are going to concentrate more on the house. Not the grounds.

MONDAY, AUGUST 16, 1999 Twice I contemplated going for a swim only to be scared off by all the bees. There are tons of them! Each summer gets worse. It used to be that you could look out at the pool and not see a bee for a few minutes at a time, but now, there’s always not one, but three or four bees when you look out at the pool.

Tom told me that he doesn’t know when they listed it, but Ma’s old house has been up for sale for quite a while. They remodeled the place and all that, but I’m not surprised it’s still up for sale. No one wants to live in Mexico, but Mexicans themselves and the poor shits probably can’t afford it.

Tom talked to Mary yesterday, and I did too, telling her I just may want to show off the new house and have her visit. I warned her, though, that I’m not used to entertaining like she is. She said she and Dave would be easy to have visit. Of course they’d be; they don’t reek of pot and cigarettes, and they’re over two. Mom can visit as often as she wants, but I’d like to have Mary and Dave visit at least once, and Evie and her family visit at least once. That way they can know we’re still alive, see the place, and not have their feelings hurt. Meaning, if we invited just Mary and Dave, Evie’s feelings may be hurt. I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings if I could help it, but I don’t care about other family members like Ray and Nora. This is, of course, with Tom’s approval. Neither of us wants a lot of people in the house at once, or frequent company. Also, with this house, it’d be easier to get the breakables into one area away from kids.

I got a kick out of how Steven said to look at this place as a customer would when we go to make it sharp. Oh, God! If I were a customer coming in here I’d turn around and run. We all have our individual tastes and tolerance levels, but first of all, if I wanted someone just 3 feet away from me I’d stick with apartments. Secondly, it’s too small and too old for us, and the layout’s not all that great. The worst thing about it is how the master bedroom is right off the living room. Just about, anyway.

We really got a tremendous amount of work done over the weekend. He really tackled the garage big time! A dumpster will be delivered tomorrow and picked up Wednesday. It’ll cost half of what we paid for the dumpster we used for the roof project, but at first I was pissed, cuz if he had just kept up on it all along, we wouldn’t have to spend the $250 to get the dumpster. Then he made some lame excuse about how we wouldn’t be in the position we’re in today if he’d kept up on it. Oh, bull fucking shit! There’s no excuse and no connection. You don’t need to be a slob to get ahead in life. Had we had a kid, for example, that would’ve held us back and we wouldn’t be listing our house in a couple of days.

He’s done work on the garage, the yard, the pool, etc.

He installed inner door locks that hold a door shut from the inside for days when we want to sleep and not have people coming in to look at the house.

Today I gave our glasses and mugs the old vinegar treatment to get rid of hard water and coffee stains.

Later…

I can’t believe it’s 3:00 and not one sales call has come in yet!! Yeah, but will it stay that way? No. As soon as the house is listed they’ll call 10 times a day.

Time for the freeloader update - the weekend went by peacefully enough. I mean, I’m sure there was shit going on at night, but he’s a heavy enough sleeper to have slept through it, and I was asleep under the fan and music.

They were only naughty once that we know of, and that was yesterday at sunset. The cunt in the Ranchero visited for a couple of hours and blasted the stereo for about 20 seconds. I’m sure they did it just so they could say they did it and that they did something they know pisses us off and that’s illegal. Anything to rebel. Anything to stand out, make a scene, be the bent fucks that they are. They also like to test me and get a bit pushy, but we’re not finished with each other yet. Upon moving, I’m sending two different city addresses a detailed letter of their shit, and of course, they’ll have their own mail to read. I’m sending a letter to the address I’ve used before complaining about the freeloaders, and the address that the black bitch received mail from, and I’m not bothering to sign it this time or put a return address. Naturally, I won’t use racial slurs or swears in their letters, but I sure will give them a piece of my mind and lay out the facts for them! It may not change anything, but it’ll do me good to vent, just like it’ll make me feel good to send the mail I’m sending to others when we move. The city’s letters will have two main issues - their noise, and the way they’re using our tax dollars to live off.

Anyway, the Ranchero came at 6:30, and so began their typical sundown lawn party. This time, though, it only lasted 3 hours, but there were the usual people - the sack of flab, a few other adults, and millions of little mistakes. At 8:30, the cream pickup, which returned a few days ago although I haven’t seen it today, came in followed by a red car. By 9:30, the Ranchero and the pickup were gone for the night, but the red car came and went once more. I never heard the Ranchero over my fan and music, but that’s the idea. I did, though, hear a few bangs from the red car which was parked in the driveway just inside the carport as it was leaving (the pickup and Ranchero had been in the street), but I think it was car doors and not music, cuz when I went out into the living room to see it pull out, I didn’t hear any music.

For the last 3-4 days, the blue pickup has been around, and a couple of days ago I saw yet another new car. It was a low, dark gray car with shiny gold hubcaps. The striped van was here this morning.

Now here’s a classic example of just how lazy these people are - they moved the garbage can to the corner of their yard, so now it’s to the left corner of our yard, rather than the right corner. You mean to tell me that they’re that lazy that they couldn’t even walk the extra 15 steps or so?! Damn!

Later…

The Ranchero just pulled up in the street with the music between a soft and medium volume. A cock got out and went into the house leaving the music on. Keep it going for five minutes and I’ll call that non-emergency number, I thought. But just then, a lady walked out to the car with the guy and some kid in tow, and she turned the stereo off. Then they all went back to the house. Deb, you better set your guests straight fast!

Later…

Now the cock, the cunt, and the kid are sitting out on the Ranchero. Good. Maybe they’ll use the street as an ashtray and not our yard. If there’s one asset to these people being lazy, it’s that they’re usually too lazy to park in the driveway. Even if it’s just a few more feet, the further away they are, the better. Except for the Ranchero’s stereo and that red Bronco, it does appear that they’re trying to stay further away from the house. I still haven’t heard any house music, either. I know this will all change before we can get out of here, though, and that the Ranchero will let me know when it leaves.

The sun’s just about getting ready to set now, so it’s prime time. This is their most active time of day. I’m sure there’ll be more vehicles and people till 9:00-midnight.

I just hope Tom’s right when he says they’ll be thrilled about seeing the house up for sale. Maybe they will want us to get out of here and maybe they will help by not making things look bad, like trash in our yard and loud music. I don’t know, though. These people love to harass people. Am I really worth the expense of the gas it takes to run the car and therefore run the stereo? Am I really worth the money? Yes. Unfortunately, I’m well worth the cost. They’ll pay whatever they can afford to in regards to me and badgering me. Well, I’m not gonna give them the reaction they want. They want me to go out there and scream at them. Well, mark my words, if I’m ever face to face with these people again, there won’t be any words coming out of my mouth. Hell no! I’ll be all action and no talk.

Later…

Wrong. The Ranchero didn’t let me know when it left cuz I was under the headphones. It let me know when it came back, but the music was so soft I couldn’t believe it! Cock, cunt, and a couple of mistakes got out and headed into the house with a couple of bags, and now it’s on to sitting on the car for a few hours or so. What a ridiculous waste of life! Although, this time, it looked like they were reading something. I thought I saw red papers.

Later…

The furniture truck that’s visited a few times was in the driveway. At least that thing doesn’t have a killer stereo. Now it looks like the girl’s holding a pink piece of paper. Yeah, well you better hurry up and finish reading, bitch. It’s getting dark fast.

But what is this? I mean, all I see out there is this couple that is about 18 (besides little kids). They’re just kids themselves. Did they come over just to sit out on the street in front of the house? What’s the matter with their street and where are Chester and Deb? Could they be gone somewhere? Is that why the cream pickup has been gone a lot? Are these kids just house-sitting and babysitting?

Later…

The furniture truck with its graffiti all over it just returned and parked on the street this time in front of the Ranchero. Then shortly afterward, Chester got dropped off in the striped van. Yeah, I guess the Ranchero kids were babysitting, cuz now they’ve closed the back of it where they had been sitting and have gone in the house, telling me that they might be leaving soon now that Chester’s back. What? Could Chester and Debra actually have gotten jobs?!?!

Later…

The Ranchero’s gone and if it doesn’t come back, it’ll enforce my belief about them being here babysitting. What? Are they gonna babysit every evening now? I don’t know if I like that idea too much. Still, I’m keeping my headphones on for the next 20 minutes before I get him up so he can finish painting the utility area (then the inside painting will be done!), then I’ll go into the bedroom and put the stereo on there.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 15, 1999 I woke up depressed for reasons I couldn’t explain. Tom suggested that maybe it was cuz the house was going to be up for sale in just a few days, and I was like, how the fuck could that depress me?! I’m thrilled! He said it’s normal for people to feel let down after anticipating something for a long time when it’s finally about to happen and when the point of no return arrives. Believe me, I don’t want to return!

Then he said he thought it was a lack of sex. Maybe, I said, but if having sex means hurting, I don’t want to have sex. I asked, and he said he wasn’t depressed about it, and said he could adapt to whatever would make me happy. As I told him, this man’s so tolerable! So patient! So easy to please! So, I made him compromise with me by promising to be consistent about it and not spend too much time on the side, he agreed, and we screwed. To my utter amazement, there wasn’t a stitch of pain! I thought it was gonna be excruciating and that I’d have to stop him long before he could go up top, but nope. So now I know that the irritation I had wasn’t due to the length of time in between screwing, and now I know I can go a week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, however long we want to in between sex.

I told him that it was up to him whether or not he cums. Whether or not it’s out of his hands, or a conscious decision, I’m happy as long as he’s happy with whatever it is he does. I also told him that just because I didn’t want a kid, I’d do what I could if he decided he wanted a kid, as long as he understood that that’d mean making some sacrifices. As he himself said, sometimes you gotta put up with a lot of crap and do things you don’t want to do to get something you want. Well, if he decided he wanted a kid, he’d have to temporarily change his sexual habits, and sacrifice not cumming and being himself and all that if a kid were important enough to him and if he ever wanted it bad enough. I don’t see this as something we’ll ever consciously want, but here’s something just as weird as waking up depressed; the thought of conceiving doesn’t scare me. He didn’t think this was odd, but I do. I mean, it should scare me. Not only does the thought of conceiving not scare me, but the thought of actually finding out I was pregnant doesn’t scare me, either. Again, it should. Anything that can bring so much pain, lack of sleep, lack of life, and cost so much money, should scare the living shit out of me. Out of anyone! Maybe it doesn’t cuz I know it can’t happen. Maybe cuz I know God would never give me more than I could handle? Whatever. I’m just glad it doesn’t scare me cuz that’s one less thing to have to worry about and deal with. No two. Now I don’t have to worry about when we screw, either! It takes a load off me.

I just wish women didn’t dry up so much with age! The KY’s a little too sticky, but I can’t think of anything else as effective. I asked Tom if he wanted to discuss stimulants with a doctor when we move, but he said we should wait and see what happens first (I didn’t tell him nothing would change. I’ll let him see that for himself), not that I can imagine him discussing it with a doctor. Aren’t guys supposed to be shy about discussing sex with doctors? Well, either way, I don’t think we’ll need it. He hasn’t complained about not being stimulated enough and he hasn’t brought up wanting/needing any additions to the sex, and as long as I’m not in pain and we’re both happy, everything will be OK. A little dryness on my part won’t kill us, and even a little drop of KY is all it takes to ensure I don’t get overly dry and irritated. The Vagisil also cures any irritation I may get in 1-3 doses. The stuff’s a total lifesaver! He says that the exercise machine should help with the sex too, but that’ll depend on how often we use it. It’s strictly up to him, of course, but I can’t picture him using the thing regularly. Me? Well, I’m gonna try to be as consistent as I can, but it’s gonna be hard. I mean, think about it. How many people look forward to working out and how many see it as a chore?

The only thing he’s done that I disagree with is tell me that the reason he cums so rarely is cuz I mention it when I mention sex. First of all, the two do sometimes go hand in hand. Secondly, it’s wrong for him to say that that’s why. That’d be like him saying, “If you don’t talk about how tall I am, it’ll change my height.” He is how he is, be it consciously or not. No matter what people say, it’s in our nature to be however we’re gonna be. He’s just the way he is. Period. I’m just the way I am, too. It’s not in my nature these days to cum as much as I used to, but that’s just me. It’s got nothing to do with anything he says or does. The only way he could be the way he is cuz of me would be if he thought I could get pregnant and he too, thought I couldn’t handle it. If this is the case, that’s his problem for not saying so, but let’s just sum it up like this - he cannot cum for a reason, he cannot cum for no reason. As long as he’s happy - great. If not, I’ll do whatever I can to support/help him make whatever changes he wants, and I assume his attitude’s the same; that he wants me to be happy and would also support/help me make any changes I wanted to make. Right now, though, I see no changes necessary. We can screw however often or however little we want and we can cum as little as or as often as we want. Once every 1-3 months or so, I will definitely want to get off by him and I will want variety, so I’ll have him go down on me. I told him this earlier, and he agreed. He also agreed we wouldn’t try to get me pregnant or try to avoid it when we move. This is subject to change, I understand, and I can be flexible. Like I said, if he decided to try to help me conceive (regardless of if I don’t think that can happen), fine. Just like I’m sure he’d be willing to try to make all the surer I didn’t conceive if I wanted to do the rhythm method or have him never cum at all. Like I said, though, I trust destiny to take care of itself. To each their own, but I don’t think we have to influence or help what’s fated to be.

So, what do I see up ahead as far as sex goes? Whatever happens, happens, but I’d have to guess, going by logic and our natures, that I can expect to see more on-top action and less side action, us rarely cumming, and more of a variety of times between sex. At least we don’t have to be consistent about it, but he does have to watch how much time he spends on the side. If he spends too much side time I get pressure pains.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 13, 1999 I ditched the bikini file I had made. Seeing bodies I wish I had really isn’t gonna change how I eat/live one way or another, and they had boring faces, so I got rid of them. I’m a face person, not a body person when it comes to others. It’s my body I care about size-wise and all that, not someone else’s.

I don’t know if we’ll ever have sex again after moving. I’m just not looking forward to the pain and like I said a million times before, I can’t keep starting and stopping every 3-6 weeks like we always have. Also, I said the sex lost its newness and its excitement, not that I didn’t like the sex itself. So, after not doing what became too familiar and predictable for a while, it won’t be boring if we do it again. I think all couples find they have to take a break from sex every now and then to freshen things up. Do I want to change the sex itself? No, cuz I want him to do what he likes and feels comfortable with. We couldn’t, for example, decide to doggie style one day. Going from side to top definitely suited us best. Well, I guess I’ll leave it up to him cuz in this day and age; I can live with or without sex. It’s him that matters to me. It’s him I can’t live without as a whole. His dick is just a small part of him. Well, sort of. His dick is big, actually, but you know what I mean. If he feels he can do it at least once a week consistently and that he needs it, I’ll give it to him, but me, I just don’t need it. I need him.

Although it’s only been 20 days since my hair was cut, both of us noticed how it’s grown back a little. Like half an inch.

A couple of days ago there was a call that said bus something on the caller ID box. They left a hang-up message. It was definitely a business and it had an exchange for the Springfield area, although a different area code. The only one I can think of that had a connection to buses is Larry. For about 15 years he drove charter buses that drove longer distances than just around the city to places like Boston and New York. He drove for Greyhound for a while, but mainly Peter Pan. Well, nothing’s changed. I have nothing to say to him, to his sister, or to his parents.

Today Tom’s gonna call Leona, or whoever’s working today if she isn’t, and tell them we want our $1000 back, cuz the interest rates are too high.

Once the house is listed, he’ll search for land to buy. Also, there definitely won’t be a layover as long as we work with Steven, who’s gonna save us a lot of time and legwork compared to Leona. No wonder I never vibed a layover.

This changing from Leona to Steven has turned out to be a good thing in many ways. I can make some changes to the house easier now. The more I think about it, the more I think vinyl in the dining area will look funny cuz of the way that area is laid out. If we had had kids, that’d be different, but he never eats at the table, and if I use common sense and be careful, I’m sure I can avoid messy spills. I also want the living room wired for a ceiling fan, and to see if once again, we can go back to getting just a shower stall in the second bath.

I cleared a few pieces of old furniture that can go to the alley for bulk pickup, although I still say that most of what we put out there will be gone long before the truck comes to haul it. I started to move the little shelves I once used as a paper station to put the pig on, and thank God I didn’t cuz it fell apart. Meanwhile, I cleared the two old desks in the back room and put the pig on the floor. The mice are on a shelf just inside the back room where we used to keep the microwave. The rats are in their usual spot by the back door. Lastly, I took what I was using for a night table out of the bedroom and then stacked two boxes by the bed to use as a makeshift night table. On it, I put one of my stereo speakers, my lamp, a spot for my book, a coffee mug, and my inhaler. I do have a box of mints and some hair elastics there, too.

Yesterday, I saw a big silver Jeep next door for a while. Otherwise, I’ve been blessed enough not to have seen much of them lately cuz I’ve been on days. I’ll be asleep during tonight’s and tomorrow night’s turmoil over there, so during their weekend ruckus, I’ll definitely have the stereo going. Louder than usual, too.

Later…

The impatient little fuck that had to honk 3 times just pulled up in its van. In the sunlight, I could see that it was more of a white and dark reddish-orange striped van than gray and maroon. It was here to pick up Chester. Again, what’s wrong with the van and silver car? My best answer is that the van’s busted, and the people with the silver car sleep late and don’t trust Chester or Deb taking it out themselves.

Just 10 more days to go with the braces. And yes, my front teeth have straightened some more. They’re not perfect but they’re plenty good enough.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 12, 1999 Yesterday, both of us slaved our asses off getting the house presentable. The house and the yard haven’t looked this good in over a year. The patio is all cleaned off, and the back room is neat, uncluttered, and organized. He still wants to get some of the boxes that are stacked in a corner of the back room into the little room in there. He has the boxes where the main leak was, saying he trusts it’ll never leak there again. Well, it didn’t leak the last time it rained, but it’ll leak there again.

Anyway, it was so nice to wake up to a neat, organized house. It really eases my stress, cuz it not only looks better, but it also makes me feel like we’re closer to moving.

Steven was here at the house for 2½ hours. He was a bit disorganized, semi-gay-sounding, way too thin and tall, but nice enough. We think he’ll get the job done and that he has a little more experience and knowledge than Leona and her people did. He can also save us at least $20,000, as well as take care of more for us than Leona could. Leona couldn’t even have a contractor put a trash compactor in for us. This guy can.

He’s offering the model we want for $46,000. Leona’s company wanted $68,000. He says he has the same options available and even more. He was going to leave us a list of the options he’s got, but he forgot to. Just like he forgot to bring his tape measurer to measure the length of the house, but I already did that. He had the total square footage for this house which is 1471, not counting the garage. I thought it weird that it was an odd number, but this house itself is a bit odd. We figured the living room here is about 15x18, the master bedroom 15x15, the other bedroom 12x12, the kitchen 12x15, and the back room 30x15. These are approximations only, though. The width of the house is about 35’ and the length is about 40’. The property is about 100’ long and 45’ wide.

He was a typical salesman in the way that he bragged about how good he was and how bad others were. According to him, Leona doesn’t know her stuff when she asked if we could haul water when we mentioned it. She’d never even heard of hauling water. It’d be more convenient for us to have a well, rather than to haul our own water, but this guy may be able to drill us a well that’s affordable enough. The water table in Maricopa is about 700’.

I got a kick out of how he asked if this was a 2-bedroom after we just took him on a tour of the place.

He took off for about 10 minutes or so to look at other houses around the area that are for sale so he could get a good idea of what price to start with. We’re starting with what we know is too high - $85,000. He recommends we stick with that for a couple of weeks, then we can drop it lower. After Tom did some calculating, he told me we could end up selling for as low as $65,000 and still get most of the stuff we want for the new house. He said we can expect a lot of showings. We were surprised to hear this, and of course, I’m like - oh no! That’s all the more kids that are gonna come in here and trash the place. Naturally, Tom’s disagreeing with me, saying that they don’t trash things and they don’t come to look at houses with their parents. Yes, they do. Trust me, there’ll be plenty of kids in here, and they will trash the place while their parents act like nothing’s going on. They just don’t discipline their kids. It’s so rude to let an untamed kid of about 1-4 years of age who’s totally wild and destructive run loose in someone’s home. They don’t understand “no” at that age, and they need to be restrained. The show must still go on, though, so I’ll just take as much stuff as I can and get it out of kids’ reach.

He said our house would have an easier time selling in the summer than in the winter cuz of the pool. People like the idea of being able to move into a house and go swimming, but they couldn’t do that in December unless they could afford to heat the thing.

As I knew would be the case, he mentioned the fact that there are only 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom as a negative, but the pool, covered garage, and other things make up for it.

So, although he’s gonna be the one to list this house, and take care of our new house and its prep work, he’s not necessarily going to be the one showing this house (yes, they will call first).

We didn’t take the sound blocks out yet. They’ll come out when the house is listed.

We have an application to fill out and fax to him, but since we still have the garage to do and the storeroom out back, we asked not to list the house till the 18th. I just can’t wait to see that for-sale sign! Can’t wait for the freeloaders to see it, too! I’ll want the whole world to see it! I’ll be sure to take pictures of it and include a copy for them. I asked Tom what he thought their reaction would be, and he said they’ll be thrilled. Maybe, maybe not. That depends on how much they’re gonna miss having someone around that they know damn good and well they can piss off with their antics. For all they know, the next people in here may not mind, and remember, these people want conflict. They love having enemies.

I still can’t decide who’s worse - the blacks or the Mexicans. That’s a tough call cuz the Mexicans don’t blast in 5-10 a day like the blacks did, but the blacks didn’t trash our yard and hang outside from 11 PM to sunup, either.

This morning they decided to take a break from the banging. I haven’t heard a sound since being up at 3:30 AM, except for the 7 AM honk of the gray/maroon van. They did have their front porch light on, though, and I heard the dog across the street go off for a few minutes at 4:00, so they were obviously out and about. Probably hanging out on their front porch. Fortunately, sound can’t travel into this house from their front porch like it can from their back patio. In back, it’s a straight shot to the house, pretty much, but part of their living room is in between our house and their front porch, so we can’t hear them from there unless they scream.

Yesterday morning I saw the same white car pull out that we saw early Saturday morning out front. Still no cream pickup. Just the van and silver car living there now.

Anyway, we should have about 6-8 more weekends left here! God, I hope no more than that!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 11, 1999 Let me get caught up with the freeloaders before moving on to better, important things.

Yesterday was a pretty active morning for some of the many freeloaders in that household. At 7:00, a maroon and gray van that I saw at their “housewarming” party, pulled up at the curb honking its horn every minute for 5 minutes, till someone finally came out, got in the passenger seat, and took off.

A little later, a gold pickup came and did some honking.

Lastly, to honk up to the curb, was an AAA Cab, which honked on and off for 5 minutes. The driver was a Mexican, so that explains some of the rude, obnoxious honking right there. He went to the house at one point, but he didn’t take anyone with him, so I guess someone either called in the wrong address, or the freeloaders changed their minds and didn’t have the decency to call the company. Why do these subhumans need vans, pickups, and cabs anyway, with a car and a van of their own?

The freeloaders have been trashing our yard with cigarette butts and beer cans. Typical, typical, filthy, fucking freeloaders! Even before we ever spoke a word to each other they did this (it’s just escalated since our childish sickos have been more and more of a problem to us), and they’ll do it to the next people that live here, too. That is your classic Mexican; trashing other people’s yards. They’re just so fucking bold, too! You gotta have a death wish for sure if you’re that brazen enough to trash someone’s yard. They came into this neighborhood totally asking for trouble. They may as well have brought signs in saying, fuck this neighborhood and the people in it. We’re gonna force our noise on you, we’re gonna trash your yard, we’re gonna totally shit on you for no Goddamn reason! Fucking, motherfucking freeloaders!!! I’ll bet you my animals that these freeloaders won’t even make it to 40 years of age before somebody kills them. They’re totally asking to be shot! And of course, they can trash our yard and get away with it and I can’t. If I threw garbage in their yard, I’d have to dodge being subpoenaed. I feel like these freeloaders can and will get away with everything they’ve done to me and like I can’t do squat about these shits but take whatever they dish out to me. I want soooooooo bad to go over there and just beat the living shit out of these fucking assholes! However, just like with 95% of the things in life, you can’t always do what you want, for they’d definitely shoot me, and unlike in the past, I don’t have a death wish.

Maybe their butts and cans are my punishment for the bottle I gave the blacks, and if so, who punishes the blacks and the Mexicans for the shit they did to me? I just hope that either way, God will punish them and the blacks that used to live there. They’ve done way more to me than I ever did to them. The worst I ever did to these freeloaders was cuss them out and threaten to shoot their dog (the previous freeloaders). Meanwhile, between the two, I’ve had to endure 4 years of noise harassment and stress.

What I wonder is, how much are these freeloaders going to interfere with us trying to sell this place? It’s not gonna look very good showing a house with a yard that’s littered with trash. Trash that obviously came from next door. No one’s gonna want to live next to that but a pack of scummy Mexicans that do the same thing and are just as noisy, yet there’s no guarantee that we can get freeloaders to look at/buy the place. I’m just glad these people are fairly dormant during the day and I hope they stay that way while we’re still here. That way, there’s less chance a potential white buyer will come to look at the place during one of their antics since they’ll probably come looking during the daytime. The earlier they come, the better the chances of the freeloaders being out of sight and sound.

The freeloaders are gonna be getting a little more than just typed journals of their bullshit, cuz Mary’s read them a tape. Yeah, we had so many blank cassettes that I felt it was about time I used one. It won’t cost any more postage, so I had Mary tape them a tape of their stuff, some of the edits, and bits and pieces of mumbo jumbo from old journals.

I’ve heard about 5 bangs since 4:00 just like I did yesterday, but can’t say for sure it was them. I haven’t spent much time in the bedroom since I got up after midnight, but it probably was them. What other idiot around here would be out bopping around and banging shit at 4:00 and 5:00 in the morning?

OK, that was a definite bang from next door. A loud one, too. Keep it up, fuckers! For the last two days, they’ve started this shit at 4 AM and continue on till sunup, around now, at 5:30, when most of them crash. They crash with the sunrise and get up with the sunset.

Later…

In the 6 hours I’ve been up I’ve cleaned the counters and stovetop, and done the bathroom floor. Yesterday he began putting on new baseboards that you glue on in the kitchen and bathroom and pulled up the bathroom carpet. I could’ve shot him for using carpet tape like I could’ve shot myself for doing the wall art. It was a bitch to get up, but if ever I felt like I’ve contributed something, it was today. It took me nearly an hour to do, which saved him valuable time. Then I mopped the floor.

I still have to change the rat and pig’s cages. The mice are fine as they are, though. I also have to do the grocery list, the dishes, and scrub the kitchen sink.

I moved Bailey and Maria out of the bedroom so that they won’t get hit with dust when the sound blocks are removed.

Tom’s mom asked him if I’d feel safe out where we’re moving. Bet she didn’t ask if he’d feel safe. I know people mean well, but you know, this really offends me. What? Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean I can’t feel safe? Well let me set the record straight - I’m no more fearful of living out there than any man would be, OK? Also, people are kidding themselves if they think a man is any safer from a burglar or a homicidal maniac than women are. When killers kill, they kill anyone, of any gender. People that break in houses, be it to rip you off or cuz they’re maniacs, almost always bring guns cuz they don’t know if there’s gonna be dogs or a bunch of people waiting for them, so they usually use guns. If they’re crazy, they’re crazy, and they’ll kill a man just as easily as a woman. If they’re burglars who intend to kill, they kill cuz they don’t want to leave any witnesses. A man can be a witness, too. So, if I’m not safe out there, neither is he, unless he was out at the time some gun-twirling cock came to the house. If they were dumb enough to come unarmed, and if there was just one or two of them, then I’d be doing the killing. With my bare hands. I’ve certainly never killed before (just came close a few times, and wanted to a million times), but I know it’s something I could do as easily and as remorselessly as I could kill a spider if my life or my husband’s ever depended on it.

I look at moving out there and getting broken into or killed as I do with the kid, the chances of it happening is one in millions, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna live in fear and limit myself to where I go and what I do. As Tom says, you deal with what life brings, and like I said, when we’re fated to go, we’re fated to go. Meanwhile, you just hope for the best in life and try to get all you want/can in life.

I also doubt we’ll be that secluded. I’m sure we’ll be able to see 4-5 houses from ours and that while we won’t hear kids and dogs much, we’ll still hear almost as many stereos as we do here. That’s only because these bassy things are so potent. Even when they’re not that loud, they can easily permeate through walls miles away.

Later…

I just turned the sound machine on in the living room since the dog across the street decided to go off, and it’s not just one dog, either. It looks like she has a little puppy with her.

Tears of mixed emotions such as excitement and anxiety sting my eyes as I think about moving, but they rarely fall. Maybe when it’s over. It was like that for me in Norwich. The tears of relief and happiness of getting out of there didn’t fall till afterward. It’s usually after one gets out of an uncool ordeal that their emotions spill forth.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 10, 1999 I slept with that song playing and I slept fine. Just maybe I will get out of here able to say they never woke me up, as shocking as that’d sound.

I asked Tom if they were playing music and what vehicles he saw yesterday evening before he headed off to work. He said there was no music and no vehicles. They were standing around as if they were waiting for someone and they might’ve been barbecuing, but by the time he left for work, they were gone. Yeah, well like I said, they always hang out front. I haven’t seen anything out front since being up at 9:30, but they were probably out earlier, and again, they hang out more on weekends.

I know these people don’t work, and neither does anyone they know, but I was semi-surprised to see them have company yesterday late morning when they’re usually asleep. The blue pickup was there for a while. The company usually doesn’t get here till in the late afternoons, but mostly in the early evenings.

For the first time yesterday, Tom and I both heard soft music coming from the silver car as it left and returned at around noon. I asked Tom if he thought they just got a stereo for this car and he said no. Again, though, why wasn’t the music much louder if they’re so “blatantly illegal” and know we don’t like it? That’s the only thing that doesn’t make sense with these sick people. These are the kind of people who only turn it up all the louder each time you ask them to turn it down. No matter if you’re polite about it, or you cuss them out and threaten them.

Tom got the light blue paint we need to cover up some nasty spots by the front door. He’s also done a lot of yard work.

Yesterday, he was sleeping on the couch for a few hours between work and picking up the paint when I heard him mumbling in his sleep. The only words I could make out were, “The position they’ve earned in their little corner of the universe.”

Went online last night and got some more wallpaper pictures of the usual stuff, but this time, I also got some pictures of ladies in bikinis too, to make me jealous. I figured that the more I see that, the less I’ll want to eat.

Andy left a message yesterday that was surprisingly full of different activities he’s been doing. Instead of the usual about staying home and getting stoned while he watches TV, eats, and gabs on the phone, he told me he’s been doing more “manly” things. Yard work, growing a bit of a mustache and a goatee (yuck). He also said Barbara Nicks gave him money to buy lawn tools, and that he went to see Donna Summer in concert. I love her disco music from the 70s.

Later…

What is that I’ve been seeing in the freeloader’s driveway, broken glass? Well if it is, it wasn’t me (ha, ha). Also, our little childish neighbors have been banging off and on throughout the night. At first I didn’t know what it was. I thought it could be anything, anywhere, till I was in the bedroom and heard a bang that definitely had to have come from over there. Grow up, freeloaders! Get a life! Don’t these people have anything better to do than go banging shit around and antagonize us? They just love to instigate shit, huh? They’re really asking for it! Anyway, the few slams I heard here and there were their vehicle doors. The shit began around 4:00 and I could see their back patio light was on too, at that time, which hadn’t been on earlier at 2:00.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 8, 1999 This is utterly unbelievable! Still no vehicles!

These doll shows are really starting to piss me off. I tune in for dolls, and instead I get jewelry and Barbies. They’re spending too much time on stuff that shouldn’t be on a doll show. Especially one that’s supposed to be geared toward porcelain dolls. And they take forever, too. They spend 15-20 minutes selling a ring, for Christ’s sake!

Later…

I should’ve known it wouldn’t stay quiet. That red Bronco just blasted in. It wasn’t tremendously loud like last Saturday, but it was still too loud, and I hate these sick fucks! They are despicable! I hate the city too! How dare the city put this shit next to me year after year after year! And you God, allowed it! But we just can’t get out of here fast enough! How many more weekends is this thing gonna blast by?

Anyway, I didn’t hear how it left cuz I was under the headphones. The question is, will it return tonight? So, this is our new Saturday night routine, huh freeloaders?

Later…

I looked out the living room window, and right now I can’t see light casting a glow from their front porch light onto their front lawn like I could last night, so does this mean they’re not expecting anyone to come banging in like last night at 12:40 AM? There are still a couple of things that make no sense; why did the house music stop, for example? You’d think they’d be more eager to blare music from inside the house, and why haven’t they gone back to gabbing and shouting all night long outside?

When I got up at 10:30, there was a message left by Tom saying he hung around 15 minutes late before going to work cuz they were out front, but he didn’t think there’d be any big ruckus to wake me up but to call him if there was a problem and he’d come right home. Yeah, they’re always out front. I can’t wait to ask him what they were doing and what vehicles he saw. Were they playing music? Were they yelling and screaming? If he tells me they were noisier than usual, I won’t be the least bit surprised. On and off from 6 AM to around noon, Tom was doing yard work. I thought to myself right then and there that they’ll probably “retaliate” by sending us back noise of their own, which only goes to show just how childish these sick fucks are, just like the cops said. With our luck, we didn’t wake them up, although they were probably sleeping when the yard work was being done. But someone probably woke up to pee or something like that and heard us. Therefore, they sure as hell weren’t gonna hear us without being heard right back.

Meanwhile, I’ve decided to take preventative steps to ensure my sleep before they manage to wake me up. Instead of waiting for that to happen, I’m gonna just go ahead and sleep with that bassy, instrumental Gloria song played continuously to cover any noise they could make, short of taking out the bedroom window or pummeling the walls with bricks. Every time I go to sleep with my not-so-loud fan and my not-so-loud heartbeats going on the sound spa, I stress out wondering if they’re gonna wake me up. Well, I’m sick of going to bed stressed out, so I’ll just put the music on to ensure my peace and to ensure that they remain unharmed by me. Yeah, I’d love to go over there and pop them all a good one, but I’d love it even more if we could just get the fuck out of here and I could mail them their little write-ups.

It’s no wonder the garbage can in the alley’s always so full. The freeloaders never recycle anything. All their garbage goes in the alley.

For the last few days, I haven’t seen the cream pickup. Just the never-moving van that’s always deep in the carport, and I guess the silver car’s still there.

What I saw on the doll show last night is a good sign, I hope. Chyna’s still in stock, and they also still have that Tiffany doll which they’ve taken $100 off of. So now she’s the same price as the Ciara doll.

I went online yesterday looking for colorful 3D images. I didn’t find any, but I did find some more beautiful wallpaper. Pictures of scenery, animals, flowers, etc. It’s just soooo fun to browse through these pictures, and I even got a cool idea. I’m gonna make a collage on the walls in my “office” when we move of all the different pictures.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 7, 1999 Well, the Ranchero, or whatever vehicle that is, isn’t going anywhere soon from the looks of it and I’ll be damned if I’ll keep the headphones on till 2:00 or 3:00 if that’s how long these weird fucks choose to stay out there. I still can’t believe people are that desperate for attention and would choose to sit out in such warm humid weather, rather than indoors where it’s cooler.

I can’t decide who’s been worse - the blacks or the Mexicans. Well, the blacks never had street chats at midnight! For the last few nights, they’ve been stirring up that dog across the street, which may be another reason why they sit out front and on the street. Also, I saw something dart up the driveway that moved too fast to be a kid. At least I think it did. I should’ve known they’d get a dog for me to listen to as punishment for bitching about the music. That’s what the blacks did. After bitching about their music, they got a dog, so why wouldn’t these fuckaroos do the same? Well, if they did, although I don’t hear any barking, the city will hopefully be back to the house again soon for whatever reason and see the dog. Although, I don’t know if they’d care anymore. They don’t mind letting them make scenes and have people live there that aren’t supposed to, so maybe they just don’t care anymore what these people do. If they’re gonna allow illegal residents, illegal vehicles, and a ton of noise, they won’t mind a dog. If they did get a dog, at least we won’t have to live with it 3 feet away for 6 months like with the black bitch’s beast, and hopefully, they won’t rig it to their van in the carport. At least dogs can be fanned out. Also, I never use the music room or the back room anymore on a regular basis, which are the rooms closest to their backyard. If that’s where they keep it. They may tie it to their tree in front for all I know.

Anyway, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if this vehicle pulled away in a very loud manner. Or one that’s loud enough. Like I said, they don’t care about laws, they don’t care about the people around them. They don’t care that it’s after midnight. These people are sick, though. Totally sick! They let their kids run around and dart in and out of the street after midnight! Again, hope somebody gets hit by a car.

Later…

Still out there. Now that’s having no life. Imagine having nothing better to do than sit and gab outside in warm, humid weather with people you see all the time, anyway? They don’t work, they don’t tend to their kids, they don’t do anything, so what can they possibly have to say to each other for so long?

Later…

They’re still out there. If our lifeless losers are still out there at this hour, then they’ll be there till sunup, no doubt.

Later…

The vehicle’s now in a different position, but they’re still out there. I can see one of the little mistakes running around out there. Running around in front, where there are no enclosed walls, in the middle of the night! Damn! Anyway, I’m still not sure if this is the Ranchero or the cream pickup. I can’t tell what the fuck it is. The kids must love all the people and commotion, though, and in a way, I envy them and wish I could’ve grown up like this; so free-spirited with so few rules, restrictions, and discipline. I know I used to love it when we’d have company, especially overnight. So I can only imagine how much fun those kids must be having. I mean, my mother would never let us stay up till 3 AM!

Later…

It’s gone! The vehicle’s gone. Betcha these journals it’ll be right back, though!

Later…

Shockingly, that vehicle hasn’t returned. Just like they do 8 out of 10 times, things went according to vibed. When I got up at 5 PM, I didn’t have that bad, depressing, stressful, negative, ominous vibe I had last weekend when there was a reason for it.

Later…

An unidentified vehicle just pulled up in front of the freeloaders, and I think I heard a squeak as it did, so that would mean it’s the cream pickup. This stirred up the dog across the street. At least this one doesn’t bark for more than a few minutes at a time and for no reason at all like with the collies. I can’t believe the collies haven’t been going off all night with their street partying. And how the fuck can the people across the street sleep with their damn dog just below their windows barking on and off all night cuz of these freeloaders? This dog is right smack outside their bedroom windows. Even closer than the black bitch’s beast was. The black bitch’s beast was about 3’ away, but this one’s practically right up against the house.

Later…

Got up at 9:00 with no bad vibes in the air. There have been no vehicles within my range of view looking out the living room window. It’s early yet. Most of the fucks next door and their “friends” have only been up a few more hours than I have, so any sec now, a 4-hour street gathering should break out.

Later…

Still no vehicles, but I don’t really expect them to do any street hanging till at least 11:00.

Later…

Almost 11:30 and not a freeloader in sight.

I don’t think the cream pickup was next door at all yesterday. At 5 AM, I noticed yet another new car. A white car in the driveway. When Tom went to Jack-n-the-Box, he said someone was sitting in it with the door open. Yeah, I believe it. People out here are so weird. He said it’s common for teenagers to hang out in cars to get away from adults. I didn’t know it was just teens hanging in the cars. I can imagine, though, wanting to get out of a house so tremendously crowded. Just how could you hold a conversation in that household without having to shout to one another to be heard over the many other voices?

Anyway, shortly after 5:00, the driveway and street were vehicle-free and they hit the sack. Only the silver car and the never-moving van stayed there overnight last night. I’m sure the van is in its usual spot right now, and the silver car is probably parked in the carport too, but the cream pickup could be anywhere.

I can’t wait till the realtor gets here Wednesday!

We’re going to take the sound blocks out before he comes, which I might keep out during the remainder of my time here since they won’t block the sound of a loud stereo blaring by. The sound blocks help keep out smaller sounds, but they won’t keep big sounds out like pounding bass. The fan alone may be enough of a guard against smaller sounds, but if someone should have their bass thumping loud enough, it doesn’t matter whether or not I have the sound blocks.

I still fear having to sit and listen to bass invading my home when we move. It’s such a potent sound that can be heard for miles! Maybe, though, just maybe, there won’t be nearly as much in the way of monstrous stereos where we’re going. And maybe, just maybe, God won’t make me pay for having it quieter, either.

I told Tom I still think kids will be heard in the daytime, as they stop and talk in the street in front of our house on their way somewhere, but he says not out there. He says out there, it’s too hot or dangerous to be out cuz of rattlesnakes, so they basically stay in their own yards. That’s hard to believe. He says there’s no place to walk to or to ride bikes to, but I’m sure they must walk or ride to friends’ houses. Well, we’ll just see when we get out there. Still, I wonder - how much quieter will it be? And will there be a price to pay for it?

FRIDAY, AUGUST 6, 1999 They loitered in and around the cream pickup in the street from about 8:30-11:00, then that mystery vehicle that was parked behind it left. This just goes to show how much they do not want to be ignored. They do not want to live in peace with their neighbors. No, they weren’t noisy yet. Not till the weekend. Also, it goes to prove we’re right when we say they could care less whether or not they live or die cuz guess what the stupid idiots were doing? Sitting in and leaning against their metal pickup during lightning. Those stupid, stupid fucks! Oh God, why couldn’t you have struck them dead?! Hey, God loves losers like that. Anyway, I saw cocks, kids, and the fat tub of shit.

At one point while they were out there, a car pulled up in front of our house, a guy walked up to the passenger window for a second, then the car took off. Now, tell me that wasn’t a drug transaction and I’ll tell you you’re full of shit!

Later…

Wow! Just 17 days to go before the braces are off. Maybe.

Tom went to bed a little while ago, shortly after I got up. He had time to fill me in, though. He did some work around the house and made arrangements for a realtor to be here Wednesday at 2:00! The guy he called was the guy that that nosy Mexican recommended. The one that worked at the place where we saw our favorite model for the first time. The guy said he was surprised she recommended him since they’re competitors and he’s her ex-husband. Anyway, this guy, Steven W, says he can sell us this same model for 20 thousand less, as well as coordinate the selling of this house and the buying of the land. He said he can have the land prepped for 9 G’s, instead of 16 G’s. The question is, is he full of shit, or what? Well, we’ll find out come Wednesday.

I just want out of here! This has got to be the longest, most drawn-out thing I’ve ever anticipated in my whole life! I just can’t wait to get out of this house! Away from these freeloaders! Able to mail my mail to the shitfucks back east, Andy, and the blacks and Mexicans! Like I said, I don’t care if we have a layover or not. Tom said we can maybe rent a house for a month or stay in a condo or a townhouse. Whatever. Anywhere but here!

Later…

Our weekend company has arrived. I’m under the headphones now, of course, and will be till around 11:00. As I approached the window, I saw what might’ve been the enemy vehicle pulling away from the curb, and what I thought was the blue pickup in the driveway. I’m not sure, though, cuz the hubcaps are different on this pickup. For the most part, these freeloaders seem pretty big on pickups. Anyway, there’s gonna be vehicles coming and going till late tonight, so that’s why I’m headphoned, naturally. They may even have overnight company.

At 6:30 this morning, I walked towards the bedroom window where the stereo is when I heard soft music for 60 seconds. Was it next door? Or was it a loud car stereo from far away?

Later…

The freeloaders have taken to their usual evening routine - hanging out in the cream pickup. I’m sure this is where they’ll be till 11:00 or so. How fucking boring! Imagine spending 3 or more hours hanging outside in a pickup on the street. I’d rather be in a nice, private yard on a chair or something, with a book to read or puzzles to do. I’m surprised they aren’t doing this evening ritual in the carport just outside our windows. Well, they can’t block the driveway when their company has gotta come and go a million times, can they? Still, I’m surprised they don’t have the company use the street while they use the driveway. However, if they stay in the street, more people will hear and notice them. If they confine themselves to the carport, though, fewer people will be forced to acknowledge their sorry existence. They’re actually closer to the collie’s house than ours, but sorry freeloaders, they won’t even notice you exist. They won’t mind your noise. Not with 2 barking dogs and 2-3 kids of their own.

I’ve done some thinking and thought back to every single place I ever lived since being on my own and I see a scary, yet distinct pattern - the blacks and Mexicans always end up next to me. I could move to a house set amid hundreds of empty houses. Then all white residents, save for one non-white, would move in. And guess where the non-white resident would be? You got it! Right next to me. About 8 out of the 11 places I lived in had a non-white next to or above me. I just want to have white neighbors for a change when we move, OK? OK, God? Please! There may be just as many fucked up whites, but please, give me a change of pace and give me white neighbors who don’t have a ton of kids and who aren’t associated with vehicles with such monstrous stereos!

Tom said that while he was putting vents over the holes he drilled in the garage a long time ago, and did more work around the house, the silver car was nestled in the carport. Yeah, I know. They sleep during the day. I don’t think Deb and her hubby do, though. I think they sleep from around midnight to 6 AM, but the silver car people sleep during the day from what I can tell. I don’t know how, though. How do you sleep in a household of wild screaming kids? Well, they probably grew up with that same shit, so it’s easier to deal with something you’ve grown up with.

Later…

Holy shit! The freeloaders have taken off and gone elsewhere. Gone elsewhere on a Friday night! Yeah, there have been no vehicles within my range of view for the last couple of hours over there.

Just like two months ago, I had that pain in my lower right side again for 3-4 days, followed by a couple of days of very light spotting. But it can’t be ovulation anymore than it can be appendicitis, cuz I had no fever! Just what could it be? Maybe I’ll never know.

The music room is the perfect run-around room for the rats now, cuz it no longer has wires and dangerous things for them to chew on. Tom and I both agreed that the retreat would make a good rat room in the new house.

I laid it out on the line with Tom about sex and told him basically that for one reason or another, I’ve never been happy with him sexually, and that that’s obviously not going to change. Then, just as I knew he would, he went into the let’s-wait-and-see-what-happens-when-we-move bullshit. But I did see. I’ve seen for years. It’ll never change. No matter where we move, no matter what we do. I’m just bored with the sex. Tired of the same old, same old 9 out of 10 times we get together. First he humiliated me by not cumming, making me think I wasn’t good enough, and making me feel he was the biggest liar when he said he wanted a kid. Then the dream of having a kid died with time and I got comfortable with the familiarity of the same old routine every time, but only for a while. Now I’m bored shitless with the sex and I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to have sex with him despite how much I love him and want him, and him only, forever. I also reminded him that my crotch can’t take sex too often or too little.

Later…

The freeloaders are back, loitering on the street. At first I thought the vehicle they were hanging out in was the cream pickup, but it might be the Ranchero. Well, I knew it would be here this weekend, after all, and I threw the headphones back on before they could go pushing the wrong buttons and get themselves hurt and myself in jail. I thought I heard a few faint beats of music for 5 seconds or so, testing me. Anything to rebel against the law and their neighbors, the fucking motherfucking freeloaders!

THURSDAY, AUGUST 5, 1999 I see a boy of about 3-5 years of age and a girl of about 8-10 years of age out front playing with a hoe. The boy is naked save for his underwear. What kind of parent would let a little kid play out front barefoot in just underwear, unsupervised? Serves the parents right if the kid runs into the street and gets hit by a car.

Tom said the gold car was here today. Deb’s folks, huh? If only mommy and daddy knew just what a pathological liar their daughter is!

Tonight’s company is due to roll in (or blast in) any sec now, so on goes the headphones for 3-4 hours. This weekend is gonna be totally rocking over there. Between the Ranchero, that red car, and God knows what else, it’s gonna be tremendously noisy! I’ll be living under the headphones for sure. I’m surprised they haven’t gone back to gabbing all night long outside since the liar called the cops.

The big question is, why don’t people around here do something? Why is it always us to write to the city? What would it take for people to do something around here? I’ll bet these sick fucks could blast music 24/7 and still, no one would complain!

Tom put the screen saver maker program back, but it doesn’t work. Fine. I’m not gonna bother him with it anymore. If I mentioned every little computer problem I had, he’d really never have free time.

Later…

How astonishing! It’s 8:00 and no company yet! But what the fuck is the weirdo in the silver car doing? The car pulled out of the carport and right to the edge of the street, facing outward, yet the fuck’s just sitting there. Now it’s rolling backward, into the carport. It’s just sitting there now. I can tell this cuz I can see the headlights shining out. At first I thought, what would it be sitting there for but to blare music? However, it’s not. Besides, if they want to blast music, all they have to do is turn on music inside the house.

Later…

Still no company! Anyway, those lights I see shining out of their carport are not headlights. It’s their security light which they’ve changed to a brighter bulb like the one the blacks had. I’m not surprised. I mean, I’m sure I’m the main reason they’ve brightened their security light. Also, it’s on continuously and not on a motion sensor. I didn’t even know it could be left on continuously till these freeloaders arrived.

Later…

Oh, Jesus! What kind of fucking idiot lets their kid run around naked in the dark by the street!

I could see a cluster of freeloaders loitering around a vehicle that was parked on the street behind the cream pickup, but I couldn’t tell what vehicle it was. It’s a light-colored pickup, I think. So they couldn’t go just one night without company after all.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 4, 1999 The blue pickup didn’t leave till 5:50 this morning. Oh, so now that vehicle’s gonna live there too?

Anyway, the silver car and the cream pickup just left. A few minutes before this, the silver pickup parked in front of our house. This tells me there’s gonna be a lot of company tonight. If it’s parked in front of our house that means they need the whole front of their house and their driveway, which will hold 5-6 cars.

Just like with the black bitch, a part of me wishes Deb had threatened me or made a move on me to give me a reason! Just give me a reason! I would’ve mauled both her and the black bitch had they raised a hand to strike first, even if did up my chances of getting shot.

The silver car and the cream pickup are back. They weren’t even gone for 5 minutes. These two vehicles are parked in front of their house, the van’s deep in the carport, so we’ve got one or two cars coming into the driveway any sec now. I wonder why the van’s been staying deep in the carport. It never moves anymore. Why would they use an old beat-up pickup with squeaky, no doubt dangerous brakes, when they could use that nice roomy van?

Anyway, it’s now their move active time, so on goes the headphones.

Later…

For the second night in a row, the silver pickup either delivered something or picked up something from the house. I couldn’t tell for sure. It’s gone now, though. The silver car’s now in the driveway, but the cream pickup’s still in front of their house. Before the silver pickup left, I saw 3 cocks chatting in their driveway, then they moved to chat by the silver pickup with a guy in a green shirt sitting in the driver’s seat. Then the silver pickup left.

Last night I took one of the big 15x24 inch boxes and packed 7 dolls in it. Since condensing my dolls like this, I have fewer doll boxes. A lot of little boxes can slide around in a car easier than bigger, heavier boxes. Now I have just 3 doll boxes, plus Bailey and Maria who aren’t boxed. In one box I have 6 dolls - Anne, Edie, Christina, Victoria, Rapunzel, and Mystery. In the other, which has 7, are Sunshine & Lollipops, Falling Star, Summer Dream, Giselle, Liselle, Mary, and Angel. Patrice is in her own box cuz she has to be standing upright.

I guessed right about the great, great news having to do with money from his mother. She gave us a check for $5,000. It’s about time, too!

Tom did more yard work today, as well as some work cleaning the pool. Last night I popped the old baseboards off in the bathroom and cleaned the medicine cabinet.

I still say he’s full of shit about having a Realtor out next Monday. I just don’t “feel” it. He says it’s 50/50 that there will be. He just doesn’t have enough free time! As he says, though, it doesn’t have to be perfect for a Realtor and we don’t have to be done with everything that day either, since no one’s gonna move in the same day we call a Realtor.

Later…

The company for tonight is the vehicle that may be the one that banged in last Saturday night and came in softly Sunday night. It’s parked in front of their house. The silver car’s pulled deeper into the carport, so maybe there’s more coming. We’ve had the silver pickup, this reddish Bronco, so maybe the blue pickup’s next.

If the Bronco came banging in, I’ll never know. And believe me, it’s better that way. It keeps them safe from my fury and me from being even more stressed out. I’m surprised the ranchero hasn’t been back since the weekend. Maybe that’s coming tonight, but if not, it’ll be here by the time the weekend’s out for sure. It pisses me off to have to live this way, though, with headphones on at certain times. I feel totally controlled by these little shits! This having to work my life around their shit totally reminds me of the NHA and other places. I don’t want to have the headphones on, yet I have to if I don’t want to listen to any shit they decide to throw at me, and if I don’t want to boil over to the point of hurting them. Remember, we’re semi-suicidal here. These people wouldn’t mind dying any more than most of us would mind winning the lottery. However, I’m not gonna go to jail over a pack of scumbag freeloaders who have nothing better to do with their lives than to harass others.

Later…

The enemy vehicle is gone. I’m going to take a chance and take the headphones off now even though it’s only 9:00, and it could come banging in for a second visit.

Damn! That’s twice I asked him to put the screen saver maker program back in my main menu and he hasn’t. Why do I always have to beg him for things?

TUESDAY, AUGUST 3, 1999 There are 4 vehicles next door right now. What else is new, huh? Anyway, besides the van, cream pickup, and the silver car that lives there, there’s a silver pickup that was parked in the driveway but is now in front of our house. This means it moved to let the van in and out or to let a fifth car in. I’ve got the headphones on now, cuz if they’re gonna be up to badgering me, I don’t want to know about it.

Yup, a 5th car’s here. I just upped and checked. It’s a dark green car I don’t think I’ve ever seen before. I like how I’d be unable to answer if you asked me if it came in quietly or not. Anyway, as has been the case with them for a handful of weeks now, it’s pretty dead over there till we hit the late afternoons. From now till around 10:00 I’ll keep the headphones on.

I was mirroring some pictures that look better mirrored due to where my icons are. My icons are to the left side of my desktop, so if I have a cat’s face extending towards the left, it gets blocked by the icons. Therefore, I mirror it away from the icons.

I also discovered something really cool within this word processor. I’ve been using it for over 5 years now, yet I’m still learning things it can do! You can not only change text colors but you can change background colors, too. You can border text, too. This doesn’t detract from my window color or application background color. You can still see those colors. Meanwhile, it’s kind of cool to type on a pink background with lime green print if I want to.

Tom left me a message that I got when I got up saying he didn’t do anything around here today, but he has some great, great news. Unless next door’s moving with no intentions of coming back, or we’re getting a ton of money, I’m not sure it’s great news. He has a way of having a different opinion as to what’s great news than I do. He either hypes up something he says is gonna happen that’s good, or it never happens at all. Having just come from a visit with his mother, though, my guess is that it’s got something to do with money. This is a classic example of what I mean when I say he’s obsessed with making me wait on him. You mean to tell me he really couldn’t leave a message about whatever it is?

Leona called yesterday to tell us we have been approved for the loan! Not quite as much as we hoped to be approved for, but enough.

Tom says he plans on calling a Realtor Friday and hopes to have them at the house Monday, but I don’t know. We’ve been through this before, remember? How many times in the past has he given a bogus timetable as to when he wanted a Realtor out here? I lost count.

Last night I watched a documentary on spiders, believe it or not, as disgusting as they are. This is because I wanted to see if they’d show anything that resembled those huge spiders Tom and I saw. We still don’t know what they are, and the documentary said there are still thousands of spiders waiting to be classified. That’s scary.

Silver pickup is gone. For now.

Anyway, the closest I could guess is the wolf spider, but I don’t think so. Meanwhile, I learned a lot about the way fishing spiders, tarantulas, trapdoor spiders, jumping spiders, and other spiders live.

I keep forgetting to write about Chyna, another doll I saw on the doll show that’s a possibility for when we move. She’s a beautiful Polynesian doll that’s 24” with long straight black hair and eyes and a pretty pink dress. Not as big as I’d like, but gorgeous. They had her with bent legs like Bailey’s on the home shopping network for $150 and then I found 4 different versions of her online for $200 at the same height but with different outfits. Also, you can get her with straight legs or with her lying on her belly leaning on her elbows. That’s cool! Some sites let you pick out a certain mold, then you pick out its eye color, its hair color, etc. You can also save money by getting a doll undressed so you can go out and buy a dress for it yourself.

Green car is gone. For now.

Later…

Just looked out the window - green car’s back.

Later…

Gone again.

God, I’m getting sick of wearing headphones! This is no way to live. Absolutely no way to live! At least I shouldn’t have more than 3 more months of having to live this way and at least I don’t have to do this 24 hours a day. They are quiet lately late at night and early in the morning. For now, though, I’ll wear the headphones during their most active time of day so I don’t risk really flying off the deep end and beating the shit out of them.

Later…

Now here’s the blue pickup. Don’t Deb and all the other sick assholes living next door ever get sick of having so much company? Don’t they ever feel smothered and want a break? Don’t they ever just want to take a day off and spend time alone?

Later…

The blue pickup’s gone. I don’t know if it’s gone for the night, but I’ll take my chances and go without headphones for now, since this pickup’s never been a problem and I really think they’re gonna confine most of their shit to the weekends and not so soon, either. That may be why that red vehicle’s music was turned down and was even softer the second night it came around. Cuz it’s too soon. I wish I could say that they won’t be a problem from here on out cuz they just want to live in peace like we do and not have any trouble, but I know better. Sadly, they do want trouble, they don’t want to live in peace. They want to be rebellious and turn things into a competition just like the blacks did. They don’t want to get along with anybody. Certainly not us. Peace and harmony just aren’t in these freeloaders’ dictionaries. Anyway, unless there was music from over there that I didn’t hear, they’ve been quiet since the red vehicle’s shit.

MONDAY, AUGUST 2, 1999 I’m enjoying my peacetime till the freeloaders come out to scream up a storm once the sun starts setting, and God only knows what else will go on over there. That’s when I’ll headphone it till around 10:00.

The fact that they choose to hang out in front in their vehicles, rather than in the privacy of their backyard, tells me just how much they truly are desperate for attention. They want to be heard and noticed. They want to make a scene.

I didn’t think to ask Tom how he figures this, but he says that the odds are this house will go to a Mexican family. Good. Let scum be next to scum. They deserve each other. Then they can all yell and scream and blast music together. I laugh when I picture this house filled with freeloaders. Our house is bigger than next door. It’s the same width, but it goes back further cuz of the big back room that runs the length of the house that was added on in the 70s. I can just imagine some Mexican coming out of the bedroom in the middle of the night to get a drink from the kitchen and having to step over the many sleeping bodies in the way. Why do Mexicans choose to live in bunches? Could it be their insecurity? That’d make sense cuz assholes that make enemies so easily typically do feel safer when they band together with people that are just like them.

Later…

Jesus Christ! I go to watch a crime show, but instead I get childbirth. Why is there so much childbirth on TV these days? Everything’s childbirth and I’m so sick of it! When I see or hear kids, it totally reminds me of all the years of misery I spent back when I used to want a kid and knew I couldn’t have that. Just like certain sounds remind me of the NHA. It also gets old, too. Very old. There are just as many people having babies on TV as there are people getting killed.

Later…

The sun’s setting, so I expect the animals to be out any time now. Adult animals, too. They’re so fucking weird, though; hanging out in their cars, rather than on a lounge or some sort of chair in their backyard. If they’d go to the back, they wouldn’t have to worry about one of their many mistakes getting run over by a car, but that may be the best thing that could happen to it.

I’ve got the headphones on, although I don’t feel bad vibes in the air tonight like I have the last few nights. Even so, I’ve only got an 80% accuracy rate. They could surprise me anytime just like the ranchero did. I never got that bad feeling that says something’s gonna happen like I usually do before something does happen. And I thought the blacks were unpredictable and that they had a lot of vehicles coming and going from that house! What a joke! These people have very little predictability about them. The blacks usually had a schedule of some kind and usually confined their antics and company to weekends. Yes, these people have more company and childish outbursts on weekends, but still, you never know what scenes the weekdays will bring.

I took some measurements and found that this house is approximately 40’x40’. It’s square. I hate boring square houses, but the one we’re getting is a nice long rectangle that’s 76’x26’. Almost twice as long as this house. So, this property is about 55’ wide.

I didn’t think to ask Tom his reasons for wondering this, but he said he was wondering if I was having second thoughts about moving since I seem to be more intolerable lately of noise around here. First of all, I’m more intolerable cuz there’s been a lot more noise going on around here and it does make it hard when it’s just outside your window. So, I think I have good reason to feel the way I do what with such noise so close. Also, doesn’t he have it backward? Wouldn’t I be saying things to hint that I wanted to stay here if I was having second thoughts about moving? I thought that the more a person bitched about and didn’t like a particular place, the more they’d want out. Nonetheless, I have no doubts about wanting to move and be as far away from people as I can till God either does something else to badger me or moves people closer and closer to our new house. That and stereos to be made that can be heard from one state to another. I plan to live like a hermit as long as he’ll let me, though.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 1, 1999 Now I can finally write worry-free, I hope. That’s subject to change at any moment when you live next to a pack of sick freeloaders. You just never know with these people. Even so, you have no idea how much I’ve come to love the late-night and early-morning hours. Just like the black’s prime time was typically between 2 PM-8 PM, these fuckaroos reign from around 4 PM -10 PM. This is the way it has been for the last several weeks. Come winter, though, I’m sure that’ll change to something like noon - 6 PM.

I could kill them. I could really kill them! I wouldn’t think twice if I could strike them all dead at the snap of a finger. They’re really stressing both of us out and slowing him down from getting us out of here. Between the freeloaders and that fucking bank, we’re never gonna get this fucking house up for sale! Tom’s had to lose sleep and time to prep to deal with my stresses, anger, and frustrations, but if these fucking freeloaders would just back off and just leave us the fuck alone, we could get out of here faster!

Tonight was surprisingly mellow, but not last night. These people just aren’t going to let me ignore them, the sick fucks! A car I’ve never seen before, but was too dark to make out, came banging in real fucking loud last night at 9:30. Louder than the cock would blast his music. It would’ve woken me up for sure. When I went to the window, it was parked in front of our house (as if it was aimed at us), then some Mexican came and approached the driver’s side, and the music was then turned down, but still too loud. Then the car backed up in front of their house and the Mexican got into the passenger side and they just sat there. I said to myself, what? Did they steal this idea from the Mexicans that were across the street Friday night? Are they gonna have car stereos pull up blaring their music with plans to shut up and take off if the cops are called and claim they don’t know anything about it? Or that it was just someone asking for directions?

So this is when I was sorry to have to get Tom up, who’s had enough sleep robbed from him thanks to these sick freeloaders, but I wanted him to hear it too and see I wasn’t lying, then call that non-emergency number. But by the time he got to the window, there was no car there. However, we could still hear the music which stopped shortly after. He asked me if I checked to see if it was that car across the street, and truthfully, I didn’t even think to. I was so sure it was them, and I still am, that I didn’t think to bother.

Here are a few shocking things, though. The Ranchero visited last night and I never heard the thing come or go. The more I think about it, the more I believe the person with the Ranchero couldn’t visit for a while till last Wednesday. For whatever reason, be it cuz they were away, in jail, they couldn’t visit. But now that they can, they’ll be visiting regularly. Like 3-4 times a week. So when’s the white car gonna return?

Anyway, the kids have come out screaming at dusk, but fine. Just fine. Especially since it’s only short-term and can be fanned out. God, how I wish I could go back to the days when screaming kids and barking dogs were my only noise problems! That’s nothing compared to these bassy stereos! Not when you don’t have kids or dogs living in your house.

I called Tom at work cuz I was concerned for him and had a few questions for him. He said his stomach was feeling better (he always gets what I get, it seems. I had the same gassy stomach. His stress is worries over me going next door, and mine is cuz of next door’s noise harassment). Anyway, I told him all was fine, but did they yell out to him when he was leaving for work? I asked this cuz I saw a hundred kids and adults hanging out on the street in and around the cream pickup, gazing rather intently toward the garage, but couldn’t hear anything over this one kid’s screams. He said no, but his hesitation in answering made me wonder if they did, but he didn’t want to admit it for fear of my reaction towards them.

After he left, the pickup left for two hours, and an hour later, people were hanging out in the silver car that was in its place on the street. The driver’s door to the car was open and all the people milling about started making me very nervous. Again, we’re outnumbered and we aren’t the type to get trigger-happy. They are. And if they really do have death wishes or don’t mind jails and eviction, then they could do anything. So I asked Tom if he thought they were sitting there with a gun waiting to shoot him when he returned since they knew he’d gone out. He said that if they were, they were in for a very long wait, not to go outside, and all would be fine. Will it? I can’t help but have this ominous feeling of doom with these people. Take their calling the cops, for example. It hit me last night that they could’ve called them as a cover. Maybe they’re thinking that calling them will make them look like they’re the victims if they do something to us or the house. Maybe they’ll tell the cops, “See? See how bad they are? We had to call you before about them. We’re the victims and we just had to defend ourselves.”

They sat there for an hour, and the surprising thing about it was that they were actually quiet. Maybe they were remembering that we’re not their only neighbors, but I don’t think they’d mind pissing off others to get at us. Even more surprisingly, that car that banged in last night, which may’ve been a red Blazer or pickup I’ve never seen before, came banging in very softly. It pulled up twice behind the silver car. Never in front of our house.

I also saw something weird at 9:00. By the time I got to the window, I saw a girl walking at the side of the street who had possibly been talking to the people hanging out by the cars. She wasn’t really fat. Not like Deb and Fanny. She was smoking a cigarette as she began walking by the front of our house. She was looking right at our house, which made me momentarily nervous, wondering if they were going to do something to the house when she walked on past it and delivered a sheet of paper to the house to our left on the corner of W. Weldon. Then she walked across the street to the music people’s house and then that’s all I saw of her. I didn’t see how long she was there or where she went from there. I sort of got the feeling she was next-door-related, but if not, why didn’t she make a delivery here? And what was she delivering? Papers that said the people in this house are assholes? I wouldn’t put it past them to do something that childish, but fine. They can write anything they want to and give it to anyone.

So, you could say that tonight was pretty mellow. Almost soundless. Especially compared to last night. If they could be like they were tonight every night, things would be OK, but you know what? I know better. The nightmare isn’t over yet. There’ll be many more stereos to come. Many more. Every weekend is going to be hell on me, and even during the week, too.

Meanwhile, I’ve got to just cope with it. Maybe if I stand up to what God has ordered for me and just take the noise he so obviously loves to have others inflict upon me, he’ll leave me alone more so when we move. I can’t keep waking Tom up. He said I can, that he’ll listen to me bitch about it, and do whatever it takes to see me through this, which I really appreciate, but he has to sleep and get us out of here. So, come late afternoons, I’m gonna throw headphones on and keep them on till around 11:00. Especially on weekends. Also, I’ve put one of my stereo speakers by the bed again and will sleep to my music if I have to. I picked out an instrumental song of Gloria’s that’s very bassy with no obnoxious shrilly sounds like a sax to play over and over if I have to. I had Tom bang on the wall to imitate what these stereos sound like and found a suitable volume to mask bangers cruising about. I just can’t believe they haven’t woken me up yet! They will, though. I know they will. Tom suggested I wait till they wake me before I sleep to the music. OK. Meanwhile, I’ll be sleeping to it real soon.

The only thing that didn’t make sense was why this car that came twice tonight didn’t play its music louder? Why wasn’t there any music from the house? Why haven’t they gone back to all-night gabbing and yelling? Well, they will. It’s just a matter of time, and I’m sure not much time, either.

Oh, I wish they’d just up and decide they didn’t want to live next to us, move, and not come back to do anything to us or the house! That way we could have some peace around here that just might last till we’re gone. I know better, though, than to have such a fantasy. We have more of a chance of winning big in the lotto than we do of them splitting before we do.

I felt like Tom didn’t handle me and my feelings about all this too well. I mean, he did listen to me and all that, but he made me feel guilty for bitching about it by seeming all bummed and stressed out about it, and also, he punished me by denying me sex for yet another weekend. Or so he thinks. Not only do I have no desire to have sex with anyone other than my fantasies and my vibrators, but I’m also done sexually with him till we move. I’m not gonna go through the pain just yet. I’ll wait and put my crotch through it after we move. Once again, I can’t have sex too often or too seldom, and if we still can’t consistently have sex at least once a week when we move, which I know we won’t, I’m done for sex with him altogether. For the first half of our marriage, I was unhappy with our sex, then I became bored with it. If I’ve never enjoyed sex with him yet, for one reason or another, I’m obviously never going to. I’m sexually hexed and the only thing I can do about it is just not have sex. Period.

[be-ready-when-i-say-go]

Something hoochie with Luke and working on his solo album

Taking limited requests. 4 slots left.

Hoochie, but make it soft. So soft. CW: NSFW 18+ Content.

______________________________________

Dealing with things positively sucked and Luke was sure that his plan previously to keep living, keep burying was the best for him. But there was progress--and he couldn't deny that. He could actually talk to you about things. The wall that made it seem like it was always going to be on an emotional island or emotional hell was cracking and it felt good.

But it fucking hurt--to realize so many mistakes he made. Knowing that's not the kind of person he wanted to be, not anymore. And right now, he fucked up. You asked him to help you clean the kitchen taking the trash out and help you clean the top of the cabinets. Easy work really in the grand scheme of it all. If it had just buckled up and got fucking down to it, he would be done already.

But the house is way too silent. At first he doesn't hear it due to the guitars and keys in his ears, but in his pause and stretch in the computer chair, he realizes in fact the house is too quiet. When he looks up to the time in the right hand corner of his laptop, his jaw drops. He asked for five more minutes before helping you. And you agreed--because five minutes was reasonable. But not this. This was far from reasonable.

"Holy fuck," he mutters, spinning around in his chair. "Babe, I'm so sorry," he shouts, only realizing the door is closed and most likely keeping his voice from carrying outside of the makeshift studio. "Babe!" he calls again, taking the hallway in a half job.

How had an hour passed? One moment he was just importing tracks, fully intending to stop there and but then he wanted to check them to make sure the takes were as clean as he could get them before cutting anything else together.

When he skids to a halt in the kitchen, you're at the table, a plate of crumbs in front of you. "I know I asked for five minutes and then I totally spaced. And it's not an excuse. I should have set a timer. I'm very sorry," Luke says, approaching slowly from your left.

"I'm trying hard not to blow my top, Luke. I just--I agreed to the five minutes because that was reasonable. I figured I could do something else in that time until you were ready. And then I tried to knock and call your name. And you didn't answer."

"My headphones were on. But really, I should've set an alarm. I can help now. Do you still need help?"

You shake your head. "No, I finished it up."

"Baby, that's not safe. If you had of fallen--"

"I didn't fall," you interrupt, staring into the glass in front of you. The water glistens in the sun and for a moment you hate it. Hate how pretty it is, how much it doesn't care given all the shit you're going through right now. And you know it's not right to blame sunlight and water. And you're trying not to blame Luke. You're trying not to make him into the villian.

Luke doesn't like how sad your voice is. "Let's talk about it?" He walks around the table and settles across from you. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I just--" you start and then stop. "I feel like this has been happening a lot. And I don't want to feel like I'm being neglected."

He never meant to make you feel that way. But just because he hadn't wanted to, didn't mean he hadn't. "I'm very sorry I've made you feel that way. I know I need to do better. Do you think you have that kind of capacity? To give me time to get better?" The language is awkward on his tongue but his therapist says not making assumptions and using language that gives others choice is going to serve best. So he's careful as he speaks to make sure he's not making any assumptions on your behalf.

You sigh, but nod. "I do. I think that maybe putting household stuff on a schedule can help?"

Luke nods. "I like that idea. It would force me to track of time too." The silence envelopes the two of you and you look up to his face. Luke looks pensive, as if trying to decipher something.

"Is-is there something else you want to say?"

Luke blinks, turning his icy blue eyes back to you. "Not right now. But when I get the right words later, I'll let you know."

You nod, picking up your plate and taking it to the sink. Luke's voice floats up from behind you. "Do you need help with anything else?"

"No, I think I'm going to take a nap."

Luke hums, to let you know he's heard you. And when you shuffle just over to the couch, Luke walks back to the sink, washing the plate and a few sparse cups left by the two of you.

You curl up around Petunia and drifting into sleep isn't hard. Luke watches your breathing slow and become steady. He keeps his distance in the kitchen, watching you from the table. If you already finished cleaning the kitchen, he wonders if cleaning the bathrooms were next on your list.

Yeah, he can do that. Clean the bathrooms, and do the laundry. And once that's done if you're awake, he'll draw you a bath. First he checks to see if your favorite sweets are in the pantry. If they aren't he'll go out and get them and a few other grocery. But you're well stocked. So he careful goes down the hallway, grabbing all the cleaning supplies.

Luke's careful to shut the door to the bathroom so the running water doesn't wake you. He sprays down the tub and walls and let's it sit for moment as he clears off the counters and the top of the toilet cover. Once those are clear and cleaned he turns his attention back to the tub. With that clean he wipes down the mirror and lines the inside of the toilet with cleaner.

It gets a little stuffy, so he cracks the door just a smidge. His har flops in his face, and he pushes it back with the back of his hands. He can't keep letting this kind of stuff happen. Maybe Mondays are kitchen days. A way to reset after the weekend. Then Tuesdays could be laundry. Or maybe Tuesday's can be bathroom days and then Wednesdays can be laundry.

Done with the the first bathroom, he carries his supplies to the master bathroom.

Something about laundry on Wednesdays feels better to Luke. Right now it's being done on as needed basis, and there wasn't anything wrong is that. But he felt like sometimes because of this he was constantly running the bottom of the barrel for his own clothes. So doing it more consistently would help him with that.

Luke finishes the master bathroom quicker than he anticipated and then heads to the half bath and cleans that quickly. By the time he's done his shirt is just starting to cling to him. He feels off the gloves, puts all the buckets and cleaners back up. You still sleep peacefully on the couch and Luke grabs the laundry pins from the closet--both yours and his.

While laundry wasn't always Luke's favorite, mostly because separating out the delicates, darks, and lights, made his head hurt, he threw together a little chart that you got lamented and hang up in the laundry room to help whenever he's not sure. And it feels stupid sometimes, but at this point it's just about making sure that he can do things done, no matter how they get there.

Luke runs the light colors first with only a handful of delicates. The darks is a larger pile, but he's worried if he runs them first something will get left behind and stain.

By the time he gets lights out of the dryer and starts to transfer over the darks into the machine, you knock on the door modeling. Luke smiles as he looks up, letting the few things in his hand, drop into the dryer. "How was your nap?"

"It was good." You spy the basket full of light colored clothes and go to pick it up but Luke's vocalizations to get you to drop the basket stop you.

"I got it. How about I draw you a bath once I get all these into the dryer?"

"Luke, you don't have to."

"But I want to," he counters, head dropping to make sure the shirt in his hands can go into the dryer. It can't so he drapes it onto the pile on the side of other things that need to get hung up to dry.

"Will you join me?" you ask, hiking up the basket in his distraction.

"If you'd like."

"I would."

When Luke turns, he sees the basket in your hands. "Hey, I told you I was going to do that."

"Well if you're joining me in a bath, you're going to need help folding clothes."

For a moment, he glares at you, but when you don't back down he hiccups out a laugh. "Fine, I guess."

*****

The water's warm as you step into it, Luke's already submerged, pressed up against the back wall. You settle between his legs and let the bubbles lap up against your chest. Luke encases your waist once you're under the water with his arms. The bubbles smell like lavender as the scent softly creeps up your nose.

There's not many words. Not even as Luke kisses across your shoulder and his fingers skate across the skin of your side. You sigh at the feeling and sink further into him. "I'm sorry again," he whispers against your ear.

"I accept your apology," you return just as quiet. "We'll just have to figure something out. Like we always do."

Luke smiles for a moment. Like we always do. Because you two always do. You manage to work things out and come out better. He just wished it wasn't always something to fix. he wished that he could get it together without it falling apart. It felt like a leaky boat sometimes, just scoping out enough water to keep afloat.

He just barely catches the feel of your hands running over his thighs and he shivers. And it's just stillness for a moment, maybe even two. But you stretch up and turn just a hair to kiss him. And Luke lets himself go into the kiss. His hands wander your body, gripping at the flesh and it's just enough pressure to make you moan, just enough of squeeze to make you give into the tingly that runs down your spine.

The water sloshes just a little as you spin all the way around, climbing onto his lap. You're thankful for such a large bathtub right now as your arms wind around his neck and you find his lips again in a kiss. It's slow, not rushed in any sense, but still dizzying. You pull away from Luke and he chases you down.

A giggle falls from your lips. "Thank you," you whisper. "For doing this. But for also working hard to make this relationship work."

Luke should be used to the patience, to the gratitude. But it still blows him away everytime you are firm, but willing to help. "Thank you. For, like, literally everything."

You two share another kiss, deeper than the last and you ever so gently rock against Luke's length. Luke groans into the kiss. "Please," he says so softly against your neck, his lips barely closing around your skin to give you kisses.

"Hmm," you start with a devilish grin crossing your lips. "Please, what? I need words."

His fingers dig into your hips and the air's leaving his lungs at the feeling of you against him. With a firm grip onto his hair, you tilt his head back. His eyes are blown but he smiles at you. "Of course you need words," he finally responds.

You quirk an eyebrow--a warning. But Luke's never needed more than that to get back in line.

"Please fuck me," he finally returns.

"That's more like it," you smile and seal his lips in a kiss briefly. "I'm more than happy too."

[nolanscheeks]

Swimming in February (BB)

This is a random work I thought up today. Enjoy

-

You woke up to the blissful quiet of you and Brock’s shared bedroom. The little bit of sun that was filtering through the clouds, shone between the gap in the centre of the curtains. The room felt calm, a mood that was never felt when you woke up to the scream of your alarm and were immediately occupied with the dogs and school. Waking up without an alarm had to be one of your favourite things about breaks from school. Reading week had come at the perfect time this year, right when you were about to explode from stress and a rare week when Brock’s schedule wasn’t jam packed with games, travel, and practice. 

Next to your, Brock was still asleep. He’d gotten in at a decent time from last night’s game against Calgary, but he’d been worked up over the result and had gotten on a FaceTime call with Elias and Quinn almost immediately. You weren’t sure exactly what time he’d called it a night but were glad to see that he’d made it to bed instead of passing out on the couch, which happened sometimes after frustrating games. 

You get up, quietly, careful not to jostle your boyfriend even though he could sleep through just about anything. Before long you’ve tended to the dogs and found yourself in the kitchen stirring the batter for pancakes, because it’s pancake Tuesday, when you feel Brock’s strong arms wrap around you. He rests his chin on your shoulder and turns his head to kiss you cheek.

“Want to do something today?” he asks. “It’s reading week for you so we should have fun.”

“Yes, what did you have in mind?” you poor a cup of batter over the hot skillet.

“We could take the dogs up one of the mountains?” he proposes. You smile to yourself, Brock’s idea of fun always included the dogs and some sort of outside activity. Yours definitely did as well but sometimes you liked to do other things as well like shopping or getting your nails done. Girly things. Brock wasn’t really a fan of shopping, sure he’d come shopping but his attention span when it came to watching you try on outfit after outfit was short.  

“How about we take the dogs and then we go to Pacific Centre” you say. Pacific Centre is the local mall in the heart of Downtown Vancouver and it is definitely your favourite. You’re not surprised at all when he lets out a sigh and goes over to the sink to fill a cup with water. 

“Fine,” he agrees, “but no Sephora, that store gives me anxiety.” You chuckle, remembering the one time you’d taken him in Sephora. It was fairly early in your relationship and you had wanted to get his opinion on a perfume, but of course you’d had to go through every display to see if anything was new, on sale, or called out to you. Somehow between the Benefit and Too Faced collections, you’d lost him. When you found him he was in the haircare section, completely overwhelmed by the fact that hair products consisted of more than just shampoo, conditioner, and gel. You’d talked him through some of the different hair options but he opted to stick with getting his stuff at the drugstore, unless you did the research and got it for him.

“Great” you flash him a smile as he drinks his water, “pancakes, hike, shopping!”

After Brock and you, mostly Brock, plough through an entire batch of pancakes, you, Brock, Coolie, and Milo get into the Jeep and head out of the city toward one of the many mountains surrounding Vancouver. You’re queuing up music on your phone, country of course, as Brock drives the car out of the underground parking lot.

“Look, it’s snowing!” he kind of shrieks. You look up and sure enough, large snowflakes are falling from the sky. Snow is pretty pretty rare in the Vancouver climate, not to mention, in February. You grew up here so the lack of snow was all you ever knew, but in Brock’s hometown, snow is the norm.

“We don’t even need to go to the mountain now” you joke. It’s true though, the main reason you guys head up there is for the winter wonderland.

“Let’s go swimming” he proclaims, making a right turn towards Stanley Park instead of left towards the highway. 

You scoff, “babe, it’s a little cold for that.”

“True” he eyes the thermostat on the dashboard, “but have you ever swam in the ocean when it was snowing?”

“Actually, I have” you retort, “this isn’t the first time it has snowed here.” 

“Well, you’ve never swam in the snow with Coolie, Milo, and me.”

“Fine, but if you die, I still get your paychecks right?” you tease him. 

“Ha ha. you’re just hilarious, aren’t you?” You stick your tongue out at him, he knows you’re teasing. “Don’t think you’re not coming in too.” 

The rest of the drive is spent planning this little adventure. The dogs will be fine in the water, they swim all year round without any issues, but you and Brock need to figure out how to make it so you guys don’t freeze after. Without any towels or spare clothes, creativity is needed. Finally, you come to the conclusion that you’re both going to have to go in the water with just your underwear, and for you, bra, on. That way when you guys get out you’ll have clothes to dry off and dry jackets to get into. 

That’s how you find yourselves a little while later. Brock’s standing at the edge of the water in his boxers and you’re beside him in your bra and underwear with your arms wrapped around you. Coolie and Milo are already in the water, fighting over a stick you had thrown. Snowflakes are still floating down from above, collecting on the ground now, and catching in your eyelashes. 

“On three?” you ask.

“Yup” he breathes out.

“One, two, THREE!” you guys count together and then you’re both running into the frigid ocean. It is freezing, the water feels sharp as it leaches all the warmth from your legs. 

“Oh my fucking god, my stomach” you shreak as the water level reaches your bellybutton, chilling you straight through. Brock has a determined look on his face as he grabs your hand and dives under the water. You follow him, gasping for breath as you resurface. 

“Ok, that’s good let’s get out” he tells you, keeping a hold of your hand as you guys make your way back onto the beach, absolutely soaked in the frigid water. The dogs meet you at the water’s edge, drenched themselves, and greet you with excitement. Brock grabs your guys’ clothes from a nearby rock and hands you your t-shirt. You work fast, drying yourself off as does he.

“I hope you enjoyed that” you tell him, “because, now I think I have hypothermia.”

“Yeah, your lips are kind of blue” he states coldly, but he wraps his arms around you. His skin is cold, but after a second the warmth from his body starts to warm you up. 

“I need Starbucks,” the thought of a warm mocha taking over your brain. You hear him laugh, and feel his chest rumble with it.

“Anything for you, my ice queen” he wraps you in his jacket, puts his clothes on, and then guides you back towards the car, with the dogs close behind. 

-

Thank you so much for reading!

[itsadamcole]

graduation day pt.2

fem!reader x finn balor

It’s been two months since reader graduated college. Her and Finn’s new relationship is going strong. She’s applied for a position as teacher’s assistant at the college she graduated from so she has a reason to continue living nearby to be with Finn. The two decide to keep their relationship on the down low since he is her former professor. She finds out that it’s not easy to keep a relationship on the down low, especially when she finds out the teacher she is assisting is the woman that has had a thing for Finn for the longest time .... “you are so fucking hot when you’re jealous”

word count: 3.6k+

warnings: a former teacher/former student relationship, angst, smut

— here’s part 2 of “graduation day” that probably no one wanted. enjoy —

masterlist || part 1 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 ||request an imagine here

~ 18+ content below - read at your own risk ~

You’re getting ready for your first day of work when your phone begins to ring. You see that “finn ♡” has popped up. You answer right away.

“Look who it is,” you say, smiling as you brush out your Y/H/C hair before tying the natural waves up in a high ponytail. “I was just thinking about you.”

Your new boyfriend laughs over the phone and says, “I can only imagine what was goin’ through that pretty little head of yours. Anyway, have ya found out who ya are assigned to assist?”

As Finn talks through the phone, you put on your outfit for the day. When he’s done speaking, you say, “Not yet. I report to the English department head.” I did request to be put in the English department so there’s more of a chance that I’ll be put with you.”

The outfit you’re wearing today consists of a simple short sleeved black dress with converse black and white sneakers.

Finn says, “Well, stop my my office when ya get assigned. Maybe I can tell ya a little about the teacher ya were assigned to so ya know what to expect.”

You add some light makeup to your look as you say, “I will. I have to get to the school so I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Alright,” Finn says. “See ya in a bit.”

The two of you say your goodbyes. You gather your things, including phone, wallet, and little backpack in case you’re assigned to grade something.

It’s 7:30 in the morning. You woke up an hour ago to shower and get dressed. You don’t have to be at school until eight but you want to grab coffee from Dunkin.

You get into your car, throwing your things in the back.

The past two months have been anything but ordinary for you. Since graduation day, you and Finn have been attached at the hip. You're always at his place or he's over at yours. The new relationship between the two of you has needed some getting used to.

He convinced you to stay nearby by getting a job as teacher's assistant. You're getting paid a decent amount too because it's a private college. It was this or go home to New York, which would be over a thousand miles away. You were not interested in leaving Finn this soon. So you applied for the job.

Once you got hired, Finn told you that he wanted to keep the new romance between the two of you a secret. You immediately agreed. Finn's well known among the teachers and students and you had some friends in the grade below you. It wouldn't look good if it came out that you and Finn were in a relationship.

He's your former professor. You're his former student. You only graduated almost three months ago.

There's also an almost seventeen year age difference between you and Finn. You turn 23 in a few months and Finn is 39. Neither you or Finn care about the age gap. It just wouldn't look very good for either of you if the relationship between the two of you was public.

You think about the past two almost three months in the short ride to Dunkin. You go through drive-thru to get your coffee and two donuts.

A medium mocha iced coffee with some cream, sugar, and some extra mocha to make it a little more sweet. You get two glazed donuts to eat on the way to school.

You and Finn both embraced the change of relationship. You went from teacher and student to lovers. Some would find it weird, especially with the age gap, but it never bothered you or him. Finn definitely still moves like he’s in his 20s and not about to hit is 40s.

When you arrive at school, you remember the last time you were here. You pulled up almost three months ago to confess your feelings to your teacher before proceeding to sleep with him in his office. It was the best sex of your life. The few times you've had sex since have been good, but nothing compared to what happened in the office on graduation day.

You pull into a spot in the teacher's parking lot. You park in the back of the lot. Once parked, you reach back and grab your things out of the backseat before getting out of the car. You secure the backpack on your shoulders before walking toward the English building, half drank iced coffee in hand.

The campus has teachers and students roaming around. It's almost eight in the morning. You're sure a few classes have begun by now.

You take the elevator to the fourth floor, walking down the hallway. You pass Finn's office, which is only a few doors down from the head of the English department.

Once you're outside the department head's door, you knock four times then wait.

An older man, probably late 50s or early 60s, answers the door. He's dressed very professional.

"Ah, Miss L/N," he says. "I've been expecting you. Please, come in."

You give him a kind smile before walking into the larger office. You're not surprised it's a big office. He is the department head.

The name plate on his door said "Dr. Dennis Hart PhD. Head of English Department". You sit across from Dr. Hart at his desk.

Dr. Hart says, "It's always wonderful to see former students getting a job here at the school. You did phenomenal in your English classes over the last four years so this department is lucky to have you."

You give a little laugh and say, "I'm just giving back to the school that gave me an amazing college experience. It's good to be back."

The older man smiles and says, "Now. The teacher I've assigned you to is Miss Veronica Rodriguez. She's a wonderful teacher and has been teaching here for five years. She teaches 407 English to seniors and her classroom is right below us, next to Mr. Balor's classroom. I saw you had him last year for English."

You nod and say, "I did. How is Mr. Balor? He was one of my favorite teachers and I never got to say goodbye and thank you to him."

When you and Finn agreed to keep your relationship on the down low, you both also agreed to act like you haven't seen each other since graduation day to throw off any suspicions.

Dr. Hart says, "He's been good. Very excited to be coming back for his tenth year of teaching."

"Ten years, wow," you say, almost shocked. Almost. "That's a long time. I didn't even think he was old enough to be teaching ten years."

The older gentlemen laughs and says, "He's older than you probably thought. Alright, class begins in about fifteen minutes so head on down and introduce yourself to Miss Rodriguez before class begins."

You nod and thank Dr. Hart before leaving the room. You walk down the hallway, checking to make sure no one is behind you before you slip into Finn's now open office. He sits at his desk.

"Hey," Finn says, facial expression brightening when he sees you. "How'd it go? Who ya assisting for the semester?"

You sit across from Finn at his desk and say, "Veronica Rodriguez. You know anything about her?"

Finn blinks at you before he says, "She's been up my butt for years. She's had a thing for me since she started teaching here and it's not a secret either. It's also not a secret that I've been rejecting her over and over again. She's a good teacher. She just needs to leave me alone."

You raise your eyebrows and say, "Wow. Well, don't worry. I'll do everything I can to keep her away from you."

He smiles and you look at the time. Ten minutes before class. You stand up and say, "Well, I've got to go to class. Are we meeting up for lunch here?"

Finn nods and says, "Of course. I'll see ya then."

You smile and lean over the desk, pressing a very light kiss to Finn's lips before leaving the room.

You head downstairs, walking to the classroom.

When you reach your destination, you knock on the door before opening it.

Miss Rodriguez is a younger woman. She's probably early or mid 30s and she's beautiful.

She looks at you and says, "You must be Y/N L/N. Dennis told me I'd be getting a teacher's assistant this semester and he told me you were a former student."

You nod and say, "That's me, and yes I am. I graduated in May." It's now mid-August.

Miss Rodriguez says, "Well, it's nice to meet you. You can call me Veronica or Ver, whichever you like. You don't need to be formal with me since we're co-workers."

You give her a nice smile. She seems like a very nice person. She tells you the schedule of her classes. Two classes on Monday and Thursdays. One class on Tuesdays, three on Wednesdays, none on Friday, and a late night class on Saturday. The only very early classes are on Monday and Thursday at 8:20 in the morning.

As students start trickling in, Veronica says, "I teach seniors who aren't very awake this early. This can be a little tricky sometimes but you'll get the hang of it. When I'm out sick or visiting family, I'd like you to come in and just assign some work then you can dismiss the class."

You nod.

Right as Veronica begins class, you look over at the doorway to see Finn standing there. You try not to have a reaction as Veronica notices. "Mr. Balor," she says. "Nice to see you. How was your summer?"

Finn says, "Eventful." You have to cover your smile. "How was your summer, Ver."

"A little less eventful," she says. "I stayed in most of the time, reading books. Um, why didn't you return my calls?"

You raise your eyebrows a bit and Finn glances at you before he says, "Like I said, my summer was very eventful. I apologize."

Veronica says, "Well maybe we can just skip over the phone calls and you can take me out to dinner."

Jealousy hits you like a truck. You want to say something but you know you can't. All you can do is bite your lip to stay quiet.

Finn gives a breathy laugh and he says, "After class we'll talk. Oh, and Y/N?" You look at him. "Nice to see that ya keep gnawing on that lip of yours. I'd stop doing that before ya cut it open."

He said that to you on graduation day. Your face heats up a little bit and let your lip snap back into place.

The door to the classroom closes and class begins.

***

After class ends, you make your way up to Finn's office. He's still in class so you sit in the spiny chair behind his desk.

Several minutes pass before you hear his voice outside. Not only his voice but Veronica's too. You hide under Finn's desk as the two walk into the room.

"... didn't tell me no in front of my students," Veronica is saying. "I'm thankful for that."

Finn says, "I've told ya no many times. I'm not interested in ya, Ver. You're a nice woman, and I'd even say attractive, but I'm not interested."

Veronica is quiet before she says, "Is it because of a wife? Or a girlfriend? Because I don't care about that, Finny. You know this"

"Get out of my office, Ver," Finn sighs, clearly annoyed. "Now."

You hear someone leave and peek out to see only Finn in the room. He looks over and sees you peeking out from over the desk.

He says, "Ya can come out, Y/N."

Slowly, you make your way out from under the desk and walk up to Finn. "I don't like how she can openly flirt with you," you say, pouting.

Finn's hands intertwine with yours and he says, "I'm all yours, my princess."

You pout some more and say, "It's not fair, Finn."

He says, "Relax, Y/N. I have no interest in her whatsoever. It's only you." He presses light kisses to your cheek and you look at Finn. His light kisses make their way to your neck, making you sigh.

"We are not doing this in your office again," you gasp as Finn grips your thighs right under your butt.

He smiles against your neck and says, “I never said we would, love.”

You giggle and say, “Come by my place when you get off work and we can do that there.”

Finn says, “I’ll definitely be there at four then.” You smile and nod before pecking his lips.

“I should head down to the classroom to make sure everything’s okay,” you say. “I’ll come back at lunch.”

He nods and says, “I’ll see ya in a few hours. Maybe I’ll come check on ya to make sure ya are okay.”

You smile and say, “If you hear yelling coming from my classroom then you should come running because I might be about to kill Veronica.”

Finn laughs and says, “Don’t kill her, Y/N. Please.”

You peck Finn’s lips before leaving the classroom.

Veronica dumps a little work for you to do. Just to make sure that everyone did the in-class assignment and to mark people who didn’t.

Noon hits and you go to the cafeteria to grab your lunch. You are in line when someone comes up behind you. You glance behind you to see Finn.

“Y/N,” he says. “Good to see ya again. How was your summer?”

You nod and say, “Good. Very eventful. How was yours, Mr. Balor?”

Finn says, “Also eventful. How about ya come by my office and have lunch with me so we can catch up?”

As you grab your lunch, you nod and say, “That sounds good.”

Finn laughs softly as the two of you grab your lunch. You pay and Finn pays before the two of you head to the office.

You walk into the office and Finn closes the door behind you. You sigh and sit at Finn’s desk. You begin to eat and Finn says, “I can’t wait for this day to be over.”

“I agree,” you say, swallowing the bite of your veggie burger.

The door opens and Veronica walks in. She says, “We usually have lunch together, Finny.” She sounds like a child and it annoys you.

Finn has a look on his face and he says, “We had lunch together one time, Ver.”

Veronica says, “It’s a little inappropriate to have lunch with a former student.”

“We’re catching up,” Finn says. “And she works in the department now. She’s a co-worker now.”

You look back at Veronica and you say, “You know what’s actually inappropriate? Begging someone to go out with you when said someone isn’t interested.”

Finn’s eyes widen and Veronica says, “Excuse me. That’s no way to speak to me. I can have your job.”

You smirk and say, “Go ahead. Try to take my job, but imagine what would happen if I went to your superior and told them that you harass Mr. Balor here.”

Veronica says, “Dr. Hart spoke so highly of you and you are not what I expected.”

“Yeah, well, I can tell that Mr. Balor is tired of your shit and he’s too nice to say anything about it so I will,” you say, turning in your seat to face Veronica. “I’m telling you now because he won’t. Back off of him.”

She looks taken aback by my comment. Her jaw is almost to the floor and Finn’s hiding a smile behind his hands.

Veronica says, “Keep speaking to me in that matter and I’ll make your life hell for the semester.”

A comeback immediately comes into your head as you say, “It’s already hell because I’m assigned to you.”

Veronica has a pissed off look on her face and she says, “Whatever.” She leaves the office and you look at Finn. He’s looking right at you.

“Ya are so fucking hot when you’re jealous and telling someone off,” he says.

You giggle and say, “Relax Finny Boy. A few more hours then you can do whatever you want to me.”

“Oh, I plan on doing whatever I want to ya,” he says, smirking at me.

***

You get back to your apartment at 3:30. Finn won’t be here for a half hour so you decide to get into something a little sexier than this plain black dress.

You put on a white lacy bodysuit. The whole thing is a little bit see through and the neck dips down low, exposing your cleavage. You keep your hair up and lay across the bed, laying on your side and facing the door.

Finn has a key. You gave him the extra key you had so he can walk into the apartment whenever he wants to. He’s only scared you once and he learned his lesson.

At four on the dot, the front door to your apartment opens and you hear Finn call, “Y/N?”

“Bedroom,” you call back.

The door is open and several seconds later, Finn appears in the doorway. His neatly tied tie now hangs draped over his neck and the first few buttons on his shirt are now unbuttoned.

His eyes darken with lust when he sees what you’re wearing.

“Like something you see, Finn?” you tease.

He nods and he keeps staring at you. You get off the bed and you walk up to Finn.

You hook your fingers in the belt hooks of Finn’s pants and look up at him. You say, “You’re mine, Finn. All mine.”

Finn echos, “All yours, my love.”

You smirk and say, “Good. Now fuck me until I can’t walk.”

That’s all Finn needs to hear before he picks you up by your thighs and walks you over to the bed. His lips are on your neck as he walks over to your bed. You gasp and giggle.

He drops you on your back on the bed and kicks off his shoes while starting to unbutton his pants.

You bite your lip gently as Finn undresses himself in front of you. Your eyes trace every muscle on his body.

Finn’s down to his boxers when he crawls on top of you, hovering over you between your legs. His lips crash to yours and they move harshly. You move your hips so your crotch rubs against Finn’s bulge. He lets out a low groan into the kiss then pins your hips to the bed. “I don’t think so, love,” he says, pulling away from the rough kiss. Ya told me to fuck ya until ya can’t walk so no teasing.”

You pout as Finn gets on his knees between your legs. His fingers hook onto the straps of your lingerie and he pulls the piece down until your naked as the day you were born.

Finn smirks as he admires your body. His hands roam a bit and you smile, watching his hands. They dip below your waist and his fingers run through your folds. You gasp as Finn pushes two fingers into you.

“Oh, Finn,” you sigh. He moves his fingers hard into you, scissoring you open. Your gasps and moans fill the room. You grab onto the silky bedsheets.

Finn move his fingers in and out of you roughly and quickly for a few moments before he pulls them out. You whine and look at Finn.

“Patience, my love,” he says, pulling off his boxers so his erect member is free. You reach out for it and Finn pins your wrists to the bed.

Finn leans down and says in your ear, “Tonight’s about ya, love. I’m gonna make sure ya know that I belong to ya and ya only.”

As soon as he’s done talking, he pushes himself into you. You moan softly and you put your hand on Finn’s biceps. As he begins to thrust into you, you dig your fingers into Finn’s arm.

Finn’s hands are on either side of your head, propping himself up. Your legs are wrapped securely around Finn’s waist as he moves hard and deep into you. His forehead rests on yours.

He moves roughly but almost in a careful way. He’s never moved like this before.

You slide your hands to Finn’s cheeks as he moves. You kiss his lips slowly, moaning as his thrusts get faster.

After a second, you roll and straddle Finn’s waist. You lower yourself onto his member and move your hips. His hands are on your waist, helping you move your hips.

“I’m yours,” Finn moans. “All yours, Y/N.”

You echo, “All mine.” You ride Finn like you never have before. You move like he moved. Roughly but carefully.

Finn sighs, “Come with me, princess.”

You nod and Finn counts down from three. Both of you come together, like the first time the two of you had sex in Finn’s office. You moan and cry out as you release around Finn. He groans as he releases his seed into you.

You roll off Finn and lay beside Finn.

As you both lay on the bed beside each other, you say, “That felt different but a good different.”

He laughs softly and says, “It did. It felt really good. I loved it.”

“And I love you,” you suddenly blurt out. You quickly cover your mouth and look at Finn.

The Irishman smiles and he leans over, kissing your neck softly. He mumbles by your ear, “I love ya too.”

[firepiplup]

How do i say no to people

You know that analogy about people with adhd having spoons for energy management or whatever? My spoons are on backorder from like 2 months ago and more got on that list now

The problem is that all of the things I'm being asked to do are Very Important Things

I have to feed my diabetic cat. This in itself is not a problem, however she's needs to eat at a specific time (12 hour spacing) and my current sleeping situation along with work do not allow this to happen consistently. Currently trying for 7:30, we'll see how it goes

My apartment has bedbugs, and there's no way in fucking hell I'm sleeping on my living room floor until my scumlord landlord actually gets the guy to come back to spray because he did spray but I'm still seeing adults and i "need to give the spray time to work" it's been fucking 2 weeks i don't know how is supposed to work but i feel like after 2 weeks whatever spray you did isn't going to get any stronger i just want to sleep in my own bed it's been like this since fucking March

With that part explained, I'm sleeping at my mom's house on the other side of town. This in itself isn't much of a problem, however as "payment" i have to take care of her dog in the morning, to practice because she's going on a week long vacation in October and none of her dogs can just be taken care of like normal dogs. He needs to wear a diaper to leave the room while i pick up his shit and soiled weewee pad and mop the floor, give him some time to be out of his room, and then feed him his special food mix. The other dog has allergies and probably will get into something he shouldn't, then not use the bathroom outside even though he literally has a doggy door that has constant access to the backyard. Neither dog get along with each other, which is why they are separated. Thank fuck the cat is just normal, this is why i prefer them

Now with THAT explained, it's difficult to take care of my own cat on time in the morning. But as the legendary Billy Mays says: But wait, there's more!

I just got rehired at my job working in a local understaffed pizzeria. My friend, ego also works there, is on vacation (good for her, she deserves it, absolutely no negativity towards her) so i have acquired her hours. So i now work 6 days a week, kinda sorta clopen but i guess it's more of opelose. Or a combination of both? Idk. The point here is, I'm then dealing with essentially running half a restaurant alone 6 days a week, with it not being 7 purely because the owner himself ALSO has the same work schedule as far as I'm aware, and wanted to give himself a day off, and since we are so understaffed it would be impossible unless we literally closed. My tasks include answering the phone, washing dishes, making sandwiches, making dinners, folding pizza boxes, and cleaning the tables/equipment on that side of the restaurant. So essentially everything except making pizzas, cleaning the pizza area, mopping in general, and driving. We generally close at 9, 10 on Friday and Saturday. Guess who was explicitly rehired to close those days? Guess how that's going to work with me having to be home around 7:30 to take care of my own cat? I have no idea either. It's only for about 3 weeks, but my mom, whom i have not asked for any additional help with anything, won't feed the cat while i have work, even though there isn't a guarantee that i can leave on time to THEN RETURN to close, because again I'm the only one on that side of the building. I understand the fear of the bedbugs, so that's probably it, but it still fucking sucks because the kitchen is on the other side of the apartment from the bedroom and there is literally no reason to go there to feed her. But i get it

Did we get to where i can do my own ADLs? Of course not. My neighbor is in the hospital, and her husband is blind. This is a new development that was only discovered an hour before starting this post (about 3:30 am for me). She's ok, it's for mental health reasons, and that's her own business about that. Her husband being blind is not a new development however. And he needs help taking care of the pets, specifically the birds. Which is fine, they just also need to eat on their own schedule. 8am, around lunchtime, and 8pm. Guess who's still at work? One of the birds is special needs because her beak got injured and needs to be essentially spoon fed. Which the blind husband can't do at all. Fairly simple task, but just adding to my obligations that are Very Important because they involve making sure things don't starve to death while my neighbor is in Crisis

Ok let's see, that's 4 Very Important Tasks/Obligations, and only one was originally my own voluntary one. Still not at taking care of myself yet, but i have my shelter, i have my job ("part time" minimum wage, hurray. Part time because even with me being there 6 fucking days a week open to close it still isn't technically enough hours for the state to recognize it as full time), and I'm taking care of *counting* about 8 pets for the next week. Will unemployment give me my money that I've been claiming since March? No? Will they let me claim with my new working hours that makes that while process even harder? Technically but it'll take over an hour for it to process and it doesn't even do that in the end? Well fuck, guess i have to wait to get paid on the books in cash and beg for a hand written paystub and have my hours worked written down. Glad i earned $100 this week, i hope now that my hours have increased i get some more

Next on the list, appointments. Because I'm a dumbass who can't remember shit if it isn't consistently recurring, i overbooked myself for next week. My much needed therapy appointment with my therapist that I've only met once and is the replacement for my much better therapist that i actually had a relationship with is supposed to have a session with me on Tuesday. Will i remember to do it this time? Possibly since i actually remembered it's on Tuesday. Will she send me the reminder text with the zoom link? Probably not. Wednesday, my one day off, thank fuck for that, is the main problem with the scheduling. My med appointment is for 11:30. Cool, can do. Driving lesson at 12. Oh, that's a little close, but i can manage that probably. I only average 1 lesson per year and a half, so it's fine, it's "healthy" to be nervous about operating a death machine powered by explosions. Have to go to social services to pick up, or attempt to, a new food stamps card. They probably close at 5, and add a Non Driver, i need to rely on someone to take me. The sooner the better, but it can't be during the lesson. Don't forget to take care of the creatures before and during all of this.

Ok. Great. There's an hour before work. Time to shower, because it's so fucking hot I'll be sweating like crazy by the time i get around the corner to the pizzeria, with me literally getting out and dressed and then walking out the door. Glad i finally did still to take care of myself. Eating? I might have something i can heat up quickly while the cat eats and so i can take my own meds. Dishes? Those are going to have to wait, i hope the heat wave doesn't get too bad, but it's been like this for a while, still slowly chipping away at them. Sleep? Severe insomnia. I partially blame the bed, my mattress is so comfortable, i hope the bedbugs like it because i can't fucking use it right now. I'd be sleeping so fucking soundly if i were in my own bed, and yet here i am. Maybe i should take the Trazodone now. I just hope I'll wake up on time. Oh look I'm exhausted, can't afford to buy comparatively better prepared coffee from Dunkin, so i guess my shitty at home coffee is going to have to do. Black because i don't have any creamer or milk or lactose free milk in my house. Just the way i hate it. Gonna have to deal with that i guess, maybe I'll learn to like it

The coffee pot lives in my fridge now. I'm worried to put it with the other dishes because if it sits there, not being washed like everything else, then i won't even have the option of coffee. It's just water and ground up beans, I'm sure it's fine

Maybe i can find some kind of coping skill/hobby to help me through my limited me time. Let's see.... I like to crochet, and that helps me get through the dishes by letting me alternate between them and a row/round on one of my many started projects. What? It's in a giant garbage bag with a bedbug treatment stick because of the damn ass bedbugs? Can't open it for at least another week and even then there isn't a place to put the yarn safely? Well fuck. I found that really helpful with keeping me grounded. Umm, well looking online, i should *checks notes* buy new yarn in the meantime and keep it somewhere safe. Uh, well, i can't afford more yarn now and i have nowhere to put it. Videogames it is maybe? Oh fuck now I've hyper focused too long on pokemon, rhythm heaven, and whatever daily games i do, i think i have 5 of those of varying lengths of time spent on them

Did i remember to brush my teeth? No. Do i remember that i should and then when i get out of the shower so i forget to actually execute? Yes. Have i gone insane? Probably

How many spoons is a person supposed to have per day? It takes more for me just to get through the day in general. Why does everyone need me to do their Very Important Tasks? Why is there never anyone else? Can my neighbor just not buy more birds when she gets home from Crisis?

I just want to have good mental health, why is this so hard

[loissehilario]

A Glimpse of Nanay Corazon’s Life In A Pandemic

Nanay Corazon listening attentively while her son, Desi Dee, talks about celebrity gossips during the afternoon.

Being a woman in her 80’s does not stop Corazon G. Hilario on living her life to the fullest. She likes to travel, explore and try activities, and just live in the moment. But when the pandemic hit the Philippines, her life turned into a cycle, like there is a schedule that needs to be followed. This is a glimpse of Nanay Corazon’s day in the life. 

Nanay Corazon being injected by Apidra, a fast-acting insulin used to control high blood sugar by Cristina, her daughter-in-law at 8 in the morning.

Although her life does not sound interesting to some, I chose her as my subject for this photo essay. Nanay Corazon is my grandmother from my father’s side. My grandmother from my mother’s side died before I had the chance to meet her, so she is my one and only, literally. My siblings and I are very close to her, she is one of those people that really influenced me while growing up. Even though she does not have an interesting profession, an awesome life, or an influential person, I decided to pick her. I wanted to show people the view of being with my grandmother. I wanted to show a glimpse of what happens to an 81-year-old grandmother who has an 86-year-old husband, 5 kids, and 11 grandchildren. I wanted to tell her story.

Nanay Corazon readying to take Ketosteril, a medicine tablet that is commonly used as dietary supplements with kidney problems which is one out of her eleven medicines to take.

Nanay starts her day by getting pricked by a needle. Since she was hospitalized last year, our family took precautions on her health. Her food intake, medicines, blood sugar, and blood pressure are needed to be written down for her doctors to see every check-up. Every morning, Cristina, her daughter-in-law who is taking the role of her nurse, gets her blood sugar and blood pressure before breakfast. Today, her blood sugar was above normal, so she needed to be injected by Apidra, an insulin to control the blood sugar.

Crispy pandesal stuffed with coco jam held by Nanay Corazon for her breakfast.

After her morning check-up, Nanay proceeds on taking her breakfast. Since her food choices are limited, her breakfast is mainly pandesal with either coco jam or anchor as her palaman. Every morning, she needs to take 11 medicines. Most of the time, she eats breakfast in peace, just like today.

Every Tuesday and Friday, Nanay burns laurel, a bay leaf, that has her dreams and wishes written on it. Today, she performs this activity. Her dreams often have topics. Today, it is her dreams about her one and only daughter, Grace. Since the leaf is small, she needs 10-15 leaves. After writing, she burns all the leaves on a candle and compiles all the ashes. She puts all the ashes inside a tissue and lets someone discard it outside. For it to work, she says that it should be discarded while facing the sun. Sometimes, she is the one who throws it during her morning walk, but most of the time, she lets someone do it.

Nanay Corazon burning leaves of laurel, a bay leaf, which were written with her dreams, then compile the ashes inside a tissue, and throw them while facing the sun. She believes that this act will make her dreams come true.

To kill time before tanghalian, Nanay likes to watch Youtube. Her current favorite Youtuber is Mahal, a Filipino actress and entertainer. When I asked her why she likes her content, she said that it brings her joy. “Ayoko kasi ng mga nakakatakot, yung mga nakakagulat na palabas. Gusto ko yung masaya lang.” Her son, Desi Dee, likes to watch movies on Netflix which are mostly vampire and zombie movies. Since they live together, Nanay has no choice but to watch what her son watches even though most of the time, she hates this genre. Fun fact though, Nanay is a huge AlDub fan. When there is no new content from Mahal, she likes to watch clips or gossip about the love team, and everything related to Alden Richards and Maine Mendoza.

Just like her breakfast, her food during tanghalian is also limited. You often see her with the same meal every day. Today, her meal consists of daing na bangus paired with soup. During the afternoon, she needs to take three medicines and get her eye drops because she tends to have a red eye, just like Kaneki Ken from Tokyo Ghoul. She says it does not hurt though. Most of the time, she watches Eat Bulaga, a noontime show, while eating. Watching this show is a daily occurrence for her since she is a fan of Maine Mendoza. Her favorite segment is, “Bawal Judgmental”.

Nanay Corazon eating her meal for the afternoon which consists of: daing na bangus, one and a half cup of rice, soup, and three medicines.

Before going to bed for the afternoon, Nanay makes sure to do her business in the bathroom. Since she has trouble doing everything by herself, her son, Desi Dee, helps her when she goes into the bathroom. Today, she needed to wash her body to freshen up. She only washes her body 2-3 times a week. After that, she goes upstairs and kills time, again watching Mahal on her tablet.

Nanay always says she is not allowed to sleep during the afternoon. Whenever she sleeps, it affects the result of her blood sugar or blood pressure, so she tries not to sleep in the afternoon. Watching Youtube on the television keeps her awake till Cristina comes before the evening. Since Mahal is her favorite content creator now, she is indeed awake the whole afternoon.

After washing her body, Nanay Corazon goes to her room and watches her favorite vlogger, Mahal, in her tablet to kill time in the afternoon.

Cristina often goes every 5:30PM to conduct her “afternoon check-up” in Nanay. Just like what she did every morning, she gets the blood sugar and blood pressure of Nanay. They often talk to each other about everything, really. Their topics revolve on gossip, news, politics, and food. 

Killing time again before her evening meal, she watches Youtube. Sometimes, I do encourage her to watch other content. Nanay is also a fan of volleyball. Before discovering Mahal, she watched volleyball matches of different leagues from Premier Volleyball League (PVL) and UAAP. One time, I recommended to her a match between France and Brazil in Volleyball Nation’s League (VNL). She spent her whole afternoon watching matches in VNL and Olympics after that. Her favorite women volleyball player is Alyssa Valdez. She watches her live matches on television during her UAAP era, even when she graduated and played in other leagues.

Nanay Corazon getting her blood pressure and sugar by Cristina, her daughter-in-law, who will determine if she needs Apidra and her meal for the night.

For her evening meal, one food was added to the group. Chicharap, a food from Chowking, together with daing na bangus, and the same soup from the afternoon, was her meal for the night. Every night, she takes three medicines. She eats in her room every night since it takes too much of her strength to go downstairs. I observed that her meal consists of the same food throughout the day. I asked if she was getting tired on eating the same meal every day and she said, “Wala akong choice eh, kailangan ayan ang mga kainin ko. Marami kasi akong bawal kainin.” She spent the rest of the night watching Youtube till she felt sleepy.

Nanay Corazon sitting at her arinola, or chamber pots, while watching the television in the evening.

One of Nanay’s hobbies is gambling. She plays the card game which they call “kuwaho”. Before the pandemic, they gamble most of the time. When they are on a roll, it continues up to 2-3 days, none of them having any sleep. Nanay switches with whoever is available in the family though, since she is too old. Playing “kuwaho” is normal in the family, even us kids know it. They taught us how to play in case no one is available to play now, or someone has an emergency.

Nanay also likes to travel. She often goes to Tagaytay to buy and eat food with the family. Before eating though, we pray in the Pink Sisters Convent. Sometimes, I think the sisters know her already.

Nanay Corazon watching television while eating her meal that consists of: daing na bangus, one cup of rice, soup, chicharap, and 3 medicines for the evening.

These are the two hobbies entertaining her before the pandemic. When the COVID-19 started and she was hospitalized, things drastically changed. Everything is limited for her. She has this schedule that needs to be followed every day. She cannot do the things she loved before anymore.

Nanay Corazon is just one of the millions of lives that suddenly changed because of the pandemic. Although she has no choice but to stick to her daily routine and drink 17 tablets per day, she said that she is still thankful that she is alive and healthy at 81 years old. “Nagpapasalamat ako sa Panginoon dahil wala na akong nararamdaman na sakit. Kahit ang dami kong iniinom na malalaking gamot, maigi na ito dahil para din naman sa akin.” 

[datingintampafails]

Chapter 24 Jake* Part Two

First Date and Another Week

Finally, he arrived at my place to pick me up for our first date, what normally was a five minute drive became twenty five minutes due to traffic. I hop in his car and I’m excited. While we are driving, I look at his center console and see a book regarding Emmanuel Kant, a philosopher. We talk briefly about philosophers, this one in my opinion tells me a lot about him, though he says he doesn’t think Kant’s ideals are sustainable and rather just interesting to think about. Jake* did not have high degrees from college, but is intelligent and well read, there’s more to this book than just the cover.

I had made reservations for my favorite restaurant, Maggiano’s. At the restaurant, it feels like we’ve been together forever, I’m discussing with the waitress that he’s allergic to cheese and making sure that certain items on the menu are okay for him. I order my food and get a glass of wine. Dinner is the opposite of awkward, we are engaged in conversation without a dull moment and happy to be together. 

My best friend got word that we were going to our favorite place, so I ask him if it’s okay if we bring her some leftovers of cheesy garlic bread. He’s completely cool about it, so on the way, we stop by my friend’s apartment to give her the food. She meets us outside and meets him briefly. He is a little quiet but otherwise friendly and we chat for a couple minutes before driving off to my place, a few minutes down the street.

We get back to my place to continue hanging out. My dog goes crazy for him, but after a bit, she relaxed so we could focus on each other. I couldn’t tell you what we were watching, we were just cuddling. We kissed not that much, as his beard’s length scratched my face and I told him it was uncomfortable on my face, but that I definitely wanted to kiss him. I at one point brought my dog outside, and upon returning inside I said I didn’t feel good. My Apple Watch said my heart rate was at 160 bpm, insanely high for me, and I laid back down on the couch. Again, a caring man to the rescue. He tells me to relax there and he will get anything I need and not get up. He gets my dog and brings her back inside, he brings me a drink, I’m waited on hand and foot. I feel better with him around. We spoke about a lot that night of course, but I remember him telling me about him having deleted Hinge and I was the only one he was talking to. Although things so far had felt pretty deep, I was still super surprised he had dropped everything, seemingly, to be with me. I of course had done the same, but for my own reasons. I had talked about Jake* to my best friend and in talking with her I made a deal that if things with him didn’t work out, I would cease dating around until a vaccine comes out/COVID is more or less over.

Meanwhile, outside of my head, he touches my leg and I admit that I have become rather *excited* by being with him in person, our chemistry is just as good in person. He starts to finger me, I tell him to be careful because I wouldn’t want my heart rate to increase again. Strangely, I let him continue and my heart rate goes down. Upon taking a break, this man takes his hand and puts his fingers in his mouth, tasting it. I laugh at him and call him a freak but he laughs too. He too is turned on and he asks me if I want to touch him. I say that I am afraid his claims of being a shrimp are true. Curiosity gets the best of me and over his pants, I touch him and say “oh okay.” I know enough that he is not small. Besides that, nothing happens, as due to my heart issues, I have told him that I want to wait until I’ve seen a cardiologist and make sure it is safe for me to be participating in “cardio.” I ask him if he wants to sleep over, because I want to spend time with him now that I can, and because sexually I am tempted and almost want to just see what happens. He says no. We stop fooling around and just hang out together for another bit of time before he starts to get a headache and becomes really tired. It is then time to leave and agree that we will both have to masturbate later tonight due to our forbidden sex. 

The next day, I am off to test drive a potential new car. We text during my experience there while I’m waiting and I share my news of the new car and the not so great experience at another dealership trying to take care of my old car. He talks about how he felt off due to his headache/tiredness and is seeing a doctor Monday:

We talk about what happened too with the lack of a sleepover: 

I remind him of the activities we DID do, and that obviously I definitely was feeling it. It’s bizarre to me that he still holds uncertainty for my growing feelings of him. 

He is talking about me to his family, I know because he mentions his mother “keeps asking” about me, “will I get to meet this one?” He jokes about telling her I’m 10 years older than him. I say “yeah we just had our first date last night so I should meet your mom tomorrow.” “Exactly.” He now claims he is bored, I ask if he’s bored or if he just wishes I was there. Again, an “exactly.” I get real again.

He decides to take a nap before watching football with his family. He says he is coming back after dinner and asks to come over. I say absolutely and he sends an emoji surrounded by hearts. More or less, he appears at my door maybe 45 minutes later. I did not notice at first, but he had shaved so that his beard was more like stubble. He called me out for not noticing, but upon kissing him and touching his face I told him it was a lot better and I could actually kiss him now without hurting myself.

I do not really remember much about that night or what we did as much as our first date, besides what I am about to describe. Again, he played with me, I touched him, and it got to a point where I finally said, “ok let’s have sex now,” caught by surprise he said “what?” I reiterated I wanted to have sex with him and go to my bedroom. He said he didn’t have condoms, I told him I did. That was that. Shrimp definitely was NOT a shrimp, when we were actually at the point of penetration, it felt a lot bigger. I did not climax but enjoyed myself, and he was attentive, gentle, and communicative. As a joke, he said “good girl” to me, referencing my story to him regarding Dan*. I laughed and playfully nudged him. Similar to Ethan*, compatible sex can only grow feelings. We cuddle, re-clothe, and return to the couch for a while. When he leaves I verify he’s reached home safely before passing out.

In the morning we text each other our good mornings and I tell him I’m glad we didn’t wait. He mentions how great it was and that he’s turned on by thinking about it. I tell him the options of masturbation, bringing “that dick over here,” or a cold shower. Jokingly he says the latter before sending a follow up “just kidding.” He is taking a shower before coming over. I too am going to take a shower, so I let him know the door is unlocked. I hear the front door opening as I am finishing up my shower. I yell out to him that I’m in the shower and he comes to my room. More or less since I’m already naked, we go straight to business. He ate me out, as that is something that he really enjoys doing before having sex. We spend more time together before I more or less kick him out since a plumber is supposed to come by and I am getting my hair done.

Later on, we have a conversation about condoms, he expresses it’s difficult to stay erect with them and I let him know that later down the line we don’t have to use it because of my IUD. He says “Look we’ll stop using them when YOU want to.” I describe to him I am not a fan of them necessarily but the pros and cons. We have more sex talk then immediately segue to sports. I joke that he had better luck with his sports bets before we started having sex. He claims no sex until the end of football season, with another quick “jk.” I am told I wouldn’t make it, I respond that he wouldn’t make it. At this point, we have seen each other three days in a row. I express to him again that I like him.

Monday comes along and both of our appointments go well more or less. They’ve found an abscess in his tooth and he was about to get a root canal to clean it out that day. He mentions he’s driving by my work. For some reason he didn’t think I was there, so missed the opportunity for him to have stopped by. Later that day, I finally feel confident enough to start showing off his Instagram to my co-workers and show them this guy I’ve been talking to. Upon showing one coworker his photo, she says “wait…. I know him!” Turns out she went to middle school and high school with him; they were friends in middle school before he started being a bad boy in high school. My other coworker keeps yelling as a joke that she and I are Eskimo sisters.

We make a plan Tuesday for him to help me swap out my cars, a very nice gesture I appreciate. Consistently he let me know his head is bothering him, an ailment that plagues him constantly. At this point, I don’t have his address, despite him having had mine for a while. I pick him up and we take care of the swap. After the swap, we go back to my place and I flip flop about what we are gonna eat for dinner. Finally, decide on Outback Steakhouse. I insist on paying to thank him for helping me today, something he has never had a girl do for him.

Not much in between, we spend Wednesday night together again and have a sleepover scheduled for Thursday. Wednesday he says something about seeing me in 11 business days, which for whatever reason rubs me kind of the wrong way. When Thursday comes, he, unfortunately, bails since he isn’t feeling good. Friday I made a joke about seeing him for 11 business days. I had promised to give him Hulu logins and a profile, I just needed to get to his place. I mention I am watching the new episode of The Boys on Amazon Prime, we have inside jokes about it, quoting lines like “lazer my tits” and later, “Fuck Fresca.” He gets “upset” that I watched it without him (I did not know we were supposed to watch things together). I asked “was I supposed to wait for you lol,” he says he thought that we would watch it together while eating lunch together. Also didn’t know we were getting lunch together. I came over, watched the episode again, and then we went to McAllister’s for lunch. When we are at his place, we get into sexcapades, with sex brain logic, I decide now is good enough to no longer use condoms. Not to be sketchy at all, and he mentions he feels bad shooing me away after sex, but he has to pack and get ready to stay at his parents’ for the weekend. He plans on Sunday that he is gonna come back after a 1pm football game, and wants to make me dinner at my place. He used to be a sous chef and is quite a talent at that, so out of everything and anything that I could want or have from a real chef, all I want is sloppy joes. We go back and forth on different real dishes he could make, risotto, chicken marsala with pasta, but in the end, I end with sloppy joes. I don’t expect really to hear much of him since he is hanging out with his family for the weekend before Sunday. But I am wrong.

[avengersassemble-fics]

Hey guys

I've put off making this post for a couple weeks bc I just honestly haven’t had the energy to sit here and do it. It’s just been a hard few weeks.

If you haven’t noticed, I never updated my post about my dog Dixie. That same day when I came home from work, she had died 10 minutes before I got there. It’s still traumatic and triggering for me, while everyday instances are getting easier, if something about her comes up about that instance it upsets me a lot.

I know we all have to experience death in our lives, and our fur babies are no exception. But this was so out of left field that that’s what is getting to me the most. It took me two weeks to finally go back into our “office” bc she died on the chair in there with my sister. I ran inside that day and had to see her laying there just gone. Rock solid. And it still gives me chills. Do you know I had to bring my cat to the vet Friday (which kinda triggered me bc of LAST TIME, but it was her first time there keep this in mind it’s important) and they really sat there and asked me..

“Do you have a deceased dog name Dixie?”

Yes. Thank you for asking me about my dog who died barely two weeks ago. Who we barely brought home last week. Thank for that ma’am. I about cried right there.

I’m tearing up. Sorry. Anyways.

With her death weighing on my mind, there’s been another source of stress. My job. I feel as though they have been working me to the brink of exhaustion. I had asked for less hours so I could try and cope with everything going on. I wasn’t sleeping that first week, I was distraught, sobbing, it just wasn’t good. What happened?

I was thrown back into a full time hours set bc my manager came in contact with someone who tested positive for COVID-19. She had to get tested and until then couldn’t work. From 18 June to 25 June I was expected to cover for her bc none of my other coworkers wanted to work more.

It all came to a head this Tuesday, 23 June. She did not get tested over the weekend and there were storms here in Texas Monday, so she was going in the AM on Tuesday. The night before she asked me if I could work 10-2 Tuesday. I agreed, but in the back of my mind I was a bit iffy on how exactly she was going to be coming in to work without knowing her results. But okay.

What do you think happened?? Oh I’ll tell you. Though her results came back negative, SHE WASN’T CLEARED TO COME BACK TO WORK. I sat there like well what the fuck do you want me to do? I didn’t want to stay. I had to work 10-6 Friday AND Saturday already the weekend before, with only Sunday off bc luckily we’re closed. 

I was pissed off. I was upset and started crying bc I feel like people don’t listen to me and my needs. I can’t handle that amount of expectations right now. I don’t know if that sounds awful to any of you, but I’m so frazzled as it is I can’t be pulling 40 hour weeks when one this company didn’t want to make me full time bc I “have to have open availability” and needed certain days off for school and two they consistently don't take my schedule needs into account. It’s always the other girls who get this consideration.

I feel like I’m rambling but that’s just how my mind feels at the moment. All over the place.

I want to thank everyone who reached out to me over these past couple weeks. It’s meant so much to me to have people here who at least understand how I’m feeling. 

@call-me-banana-bandit

thank you for letting me send you stupid tik Tok’s and being here for me through so much. and for letting me ramble off ideas to you all the time

@snarky--starky

thank you for continuously reaching out. you’re the definition of a true friend and I hope your summer classes didn’t kill you haha, and for letting me come to you with anything including my story vomits

@jubileestreetv

thank you for being you and letting me send you Chris Evans content even tho you’re like 12 hours from me. when can I come for waffles??

@ayo-cowbelly

thank you for your messages. I was waiting to answer them when I got back onto my computer. this is the first time I've booted it up in months yikes. but truly, thank you for thinking of me in these times

@rae-is-typing

thank you for reaching out to me. you’re a strong and inspiring soul.

@danas-wonderland

thank you for always being so sweet to me. I hope we can connect more.

Again thank you to everyone who has reached out during this time.

As for returning, I did have some stuff in the works before shit hit the fan. But my original plan was to get a good amount finished before posting again. I hope that is soon.

As for now I hope everyone is doing alright. If you read all of this thank you for supporting me all these years and for also listening to my rambles.

As always.. xoxo

Caitlyn

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, JANUARY 31, 1999 Unbelievable! After all I ate yesterday, I still woke up at 109 pounds. Maybe a big part of why I haven’t been over 110 in a while is because I’ve been quite regular for a while now. Until today. I’ll have to have some bean soup!

Paula left a message asking me to call her back. She sounded like she was in a good mood, too. I guess I’ll go see if I can catch her now while Tom’s taking his nap.

Later…

Luckily, I’m still keeping my record of being regular. I just took a dump.

I called Paula too, and got a message saying, “If you need to get a hold of me, call me at…” So, I called the number. It was her friend Carmen’s, although she answered. She said she was doing laundry over there. She’s also moving again for the millionth time. She and Fran must hold the records for moving the most often! And they both have phones on and off. She’s gonna lose her phone again for a while, I guess, cuz she ran up a big bill. She gave me her PO Box address which she says she’ll have for quite a while cuz of her SS checks (she goes to it every other day). That’s smart. That’s what I should’ve done; gotten a PO Box since I was moving a lot myself. Not nearly as much as her, though!

My allergies are going spastic on me today! I don’t want to deal with them anymore, so I threw my nose clips on. Can’t they fucking go off when I can afford to take a Benadryl?! I can’t be taking a Benadryl in the middle of my day when I have an appointment the next day. It probably wouldn’t throw off my schedule, but I can’t be taking chances. On the other hand, this is a pretty bad allergy attack. The kind that goes on all day. So I may say fuck it and take a Benadryl.

Later…

I just broke down and took a Benadryl. If it fucks my schedule up, it fucks it up. I’m hoping this will be one of those times where it doesn’t knock me out, but right! That’s not the way life works. It’ll knock me out cuz I don’t want it to. If I didn’t care or wanted it to, it might or might not knock me out.

Anyway, Paula says she’s moving cuz her neighbor’s nosy in one breath, and in the next breath, she says she’s moving cuz of that married guy she’s seeing. She’s moving to Main St. in W. Springfield. She says she’s also leaving for Florida on Tuesday and will be gone till the 17th. Her father lives down there. She still says she’s gonna leave Justin with his father and come out here this summer, but we’ll see.

Tom pulled out the old, big washer for hopefully the last time. I washed the comforter I bought and will use that and the one Dureen sent till we move. Then when we move, we’ll have a full-size washer and dryer and I can wash them easily whenever they need it.

Another unbelievable thing is that not once during the weekend so far, did I hear or see a freeloader next door. The bitch must’ve taken off for the weekend, although we’re just entering their PT, so we’ll see. I don’t have a bad vibe, though. I doubt there’ll be a Superbowl scene like last year. You never do know, though, if a white car with little kids in it may pull in at any second and hop out to play ball and talk like everybody’s fucking deaf! It’s nice to know that there are only five hours left of light.

I thought the Super Bowl weekend would bring out lots of bangers, but nope. It’s been pretty good lately. The Super Bowl doesn’t start till 3:00 or 4:00, though. Gloria’s to be singing at it cuz it’s in Miami. I hate sports, though. Gymnastics and skating, I like, but I hate TV in general, cuz it only consists of three things - sports, reruns, and sad news. I still tape movies on the commercial-free channels whenever they have something new every few months or so. I also watch shows about crime cases periodically, too.

Later…

Wow. We got all the way to nearly 3:00 and there’s still not a sight or sound from next door. I can’t believe they’ve been this non-existent during a weekend I was on days.

I’ve been trying to fight off sleep by having two cups of regular coffee and keeping busy, but I’m still pretty woozy. As long as I don’t lay down, except to have our predictable sex when I get Tom up from his nap at 3:00, I should be OK. Just drowsy. My allergies have improved, but not entirely. I still sneeze here and there.

Later…

All weekend long neither of us saw or heard anything next door. However, there is a light on next door now, and I’ve never known her to leave lights on when she goes out, so I’ll check at about 9:00 or so, her typical weekday bedtime, to see if the lights go out. That’ll tell me if someone’s there unless she got the living room light rigged on a timer recently. If she’s been there all weekend, I’d be truly and utterly stunned. How could this bitch, of all people, stay home all weekend? And stay home with no company? She must be really sick in there, but I don’t know. That doesn’t seem like enough of an excuse to stop her from having company and besides, if she were that sick, wouldn’t her cronies be over there nursing her back to health? Maybe she did get contiguously sick, got a touch of consideration for others, and decided to keep people away. Or maybe she fucked over the people she knows one too many times and they got fed up with her.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 30, 1999 Let me describe the toys I got yesterday. There are three different vibrators.

There’s a microvibe that’s really small. About the size of a tube of lipstick. It only takes one AAA battery (the others take two AA) and as cute as it is, I don’t see how the hell it could get me off. Not unless I was really horny.

The one that’s supposed to simulate oral sex doesn’t feel anything like oral sex and is more of a nuisance that’s not worth it. You have to hold the thing in place, too. I like to have my hands free. I’ll use the vibrator part of it, though, which has got a so-so kick. More kick than the micro vibe. I have it in the bathroom for if I get horny while Tom’s asleep.

The one with the most kick is in the bedroom.

The pleasure panty is great. It’s a red vinyl G-string that has a pocket in its crotch for inserting the vibrator and it really holds it in place.

I’m not a video fan, so I left that for Tom to check out.

Tom’s working this morning as part of the end-of-the-month thing where they all go in on a Saturday. He said he should be home around 2:00. Prime freeloader time (PNT). Although the freeloader’s peak time is from about noon till sundown. Oh, there’s some door slamming and yelling after dark, but only for a few minutes. When it’s light out, there’s room for more activity - even longer bouts of yelling, more door slamming, and ball games. I know how these sick fucks operate. Whether or not there’s a Super Bowl commotion, they’re not done paying us back for the roofing noise, so there’ll be ball playing either today and tomorrow or definitely at least one of these days. They’re not gonna let a weekend go by where we don’t hear from them for quite a while. I know these people, like I said, but their hear-me-too scenes better not include music.

Later…

So far, the only activity at the freeloaders is that they’re having their yard done right now by the people who usually do their yard. Why the fuck are they doing their yard in January? They have Bermuda grass too.

The white car should be showing up anytime now.

Later…

Holy shit. It’s already 3:00, yet no cars have been next door. They’ll make up for this quiet time. Trust me.

I guess we’re gonna screw around later. Or tomorrow. Whichever he chooses. I told him to decide and I’d go along with it, but I don’t want to. I just don’t want to. I’m sick of sex with him and I totally prefer the vibrators. They do everything I like/want and they’re available whenever I want them. They don’t get sick, tired, or make excuses.

How do I tell this to Tom, though? How do I tell him how I feel? I just can’t bring myself to. Maybe a big reason why I can’t bring myself to discuss this with him is knowing how he’ll feel about it. It won’t faze him. He won’t care, and he may even get off on it deep down. He’d never do anything to try to spice things up, and I know him. If he did, it’d only be for a week or two, then it’d be right back to the usual. He just has to control the sex. He has to make sure he doesn’t cum and make sure we do it part-time just so he can be in control, although there are some things that are out of his control. That is out of our control, like my sleep schedule and his work schedule, for example. It’s not that I have a problem with him not cumming and us doing it part-time, it’s that I have a problem with his controlling things and with the damn predictability of it all. Almost every time we get into bed to screw, I know what’s gonna happen. There are no surprises. It’s a bore. I get him hard either by hand or by him rubbing against me, he goes in there lying on his side, then he goes in there from on top, then he pulls out without cumming. Maybe another reason I don’t tell him how I feel is cuz I want him to be happy. His ways obviously make him happy or else he’d have tried to change them a long time ago. So, although I’m tired of the same old routine and predictability, I don’t want to bitch to him about ways that he enjoys, will not and cannot change, when I have the vibrators to supplement me very nicely.

I woke up at 109 pounds today and yesterday, but if I don’t wake up over 110 tomorrow, it’ll be a true miracle. I haven’t been over 110 in a while, but I will be for damn sure! (I weigh myself when I get up) They gave everybody treats at work, so I ate several of the little candy bars Tom brought home. I had to have had an easy 2000 calories today. Maybe I’ll take a water pill tomorrow to kind of compensate.

Tom says my lips and the area around them look thinner, but I haven’t noticed.

I wrote letters to Tammy and Paula using the papers with different pictures bordering the tops. These were the pages I was originally gonna use for printing out journal stuff. So, I’ll be using some for Tammy, some for Paula, and some for the freeloaders but unfortunately, none for Andy since I know he’s not going back east. I told him so in a message too. He’s not gonna give up his house and this weather.

I believe that deep down, Andy doesn’t want David cuz of his age. He’s in his 40s. Andy likes boys, not men. He likes college kids. And druggies. David just drinks. Andy would never admit it, but he wants a pothead just like himself. So, if you do pot, cigarettes, and are skinny and youthful-looking, you can be with Andy. Andy doesn’t want a decent man. He wants a drugged-up unstable boy who lives on the edge.

Evie told me news that I expected to get sooner or later and that did not make my day and it only reinforced my hatred towards God. Pam got Jennifer back. I knew she would. Thanks, God. Thanks a real lot, God. You’re such a terrific, empathetic God, who has nothing but love and fairness in his heart, huh? You want to do the right thing, don’t you?

Well, if there even is a God, he sure doesn’t care to win over my love, trust, respect, and faith. And Tom said not in a million years would she get her back. Ha! I knew she would. If they took her away 20 times, then that’s 20 times they’d give her right back.

God, I hate God! I have absolutely no respect for God. I have no faith in him, and I hate his guts. His ways are sick, cruel, and totally wrong. I know he’s gonna punish me for swearing at him and for saying mean things about him, but you know what? I don’t care!

Later…

I can’t believe it’s coming up on 6:30 and not one car has been seen/heard next door. I wonder if the bitch is even there. Did she get sick and tell people to stay away so they wouldn’t get sick too? Nah. She wouldn’t be that considerate. Does this mean they’ll make up for this peace and quiet tomorrow?

Later…

I can tell exactly why it’s been quiet all day. Cuz no one’s there. Now that the sun had set enough, I went and looked, and the living room lights were off. But when did she leave?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 29, 1999 I guess Melanie will be calling me to remind me of our appointment on Monday.

I can’t believe how fast these teeth move! They don’t overlap anymore, and from the looks of it, only one tooth is still out of place. Are these things really going to need to be on till December? And aren’t the top ones due to come off soon? I’ll have to ask her.

I lost four nails this morning while doing housework. I took off the comforter that I bought when we got this bed, which is going to be washed this weekend, and put a floral one on that Dureen sent.

I’m doing one load of laundry today, and soon I’ll do the dishes.

I haven’t been nearly as tight as I had been for a while there. I guess in the end, the flu brought up all the pollution that was stuck down in my lungs. The little bit of rain we had helped, too. As far as we know, it didn’t leak in here, but it was only a light rain which didn’t last long.

Butterscotch bit me. I went to stick my finger in their cage like I always do and he bit the tip of my finger, drawing blood. I had to wear a Band-Aid for a while. I didn’t bite him back, of course, but I scared the shit out of him by chasing him around the cage and poking at him, so hopefully he’ll learn by this that biting me is not acceptable. If he does it again, I’ll want to swat him good!

Time to go online now and get my six Evie messages.

Later…

I decided to put AOL on hold in case Melanie calls. She hasn’t yet so I think that means that the other lady will be calling. Melanie usually calls by 9:15. The other lady usually does her calling at just after 10:00.

I ditched some more stuff that we’re not taking with us, like Norah posters I’d made, puzzles I’d taped and hung up, animal pictures from calendars, etc.

Every few months they pick up bulk stuff and the next run is in a couple of weeks. We’ll be putting stuff in the alley that we won’t need till we move and that we won’t be keeping, of course. I dragged out the two worst chairs that go to this pitiful kitchen table and the chair to the drawing table. I dragged them out in the backyard for us to put in the alley when it was time.

I’ve gone through the sheets and towels and ditched extras we’ll never use.

I propped open the back screen door. Before we take it off, as we plan to do and not bother to replace it, I want to make sure the cat doesn’t claw the hell out of the door. I doubt he will. If he’s at the back door, he usually just meows and it’s only when he hears us bustling about the house and wants to come in. I doubt he’ll claw on it for hours when we’re not available to let him in, but this will be a good test.

Later…

It’s 10:30 and still no call from the dentist, so I went online, and wow! Only one Evie message. It was a cute joke.

I was just hanging out clothes, and Jesus fucking Christ! Those collies are lucky I don’t have a gun!!

Later…

Maria’s here! And I was right about packages coming in groups too, cuz I got my vibrators as well. Maria’s gorgeous and I took a couple of pictures of her for Tammy and the girls to see. One of her full body and one of her face. She’s about Bailey’s size and I can’t believe that despite her being the same size, and having all the detail she’s got, she cost $50 and Bailey cost $300. Maybe the price cut is in her hands, as Tom mentioned. Both her hands aren’t as realistic as Bailey’s. She’s got a gold net-like veil trimmed with a black fringe that goes down her back. The veil is attached by a pretty gold fan clip that stands up on top of her head. Her dark curly, soft hair came in a ponytail, but I took it down. It looks good curly too, so I’m not gonna straighten it. Her curls fall to her waist, which is still long enough for me, even if it’s not as long as Bailey’s and Rapunzel’s. As Tom said, she has good lips for a doll. Lips are something that doesn’t always look good on a doll. Edie’s got the worst lips of all. Anyway, they’re nice and full and it looks like she may have lip liner. Her eyes are the most gorgeous shade of light brown I ever saw. I was worried about this at first, cuz I couldn’t tell their color on TV too well. I thought she had hazel eyes which isn’t very Hispanic. She has black eyeliner along the lower lashes. Her necklace is a thin red strand with gold threads, and her shoes are red with gold buckles. She has white net-like stockings with some kind of pattern. The main color of her two-piece satin outfit is off-white. It’s not quite what I’d describe as pearl or crème colored. Maybe ivory. There are two layers of ruffles at the shoulders trimmed with red and black. The bottom of the dress has three layers trimmed in red and black. The dress comes to above the knees. She has matching pantaloons. On the chest of the dress is a clump of three red flowers. A major hit to the entire outfit. One hand is flexed upward sort of like one of Sunshine and Lollipop’s. Why, I don’t know. I put a bracelet on this wrist that I made of red shiny beads. Her other hand has its palm turned sort of upward cuz this is the hand that holds the fan I didn’t realize she came with. The fan is white, covered with black and gold netting, and trimmed with the same red and gold that’s in her necklace. She’s not a sitting or a standing doll. She’s more like a leaning doll. I have her leaning against a jewelry box that’s about 8” high. Her legs don’t move at the hips like Bailey’s do and her arms don’t move at the shoulders, either. Both their heads move, though.

I’m psyched to have my first Hispanic doll. She looks much more Hispanic in person. Especially when I put her next to Bailey. You can see the color in her compared to Bailey’s whiteness.

It looks like I’ll be doing my doll shopping from the home shopping channel from here on out. They have mostly boring dolls, but their sizes and prices are quite a hit with me. If you like more expensive dolls that are smaller, then this place isn’t for you.

I still have hopes of having a doll that’s about 30” standing someday. And more as far as a variety of outfits and colors go. More hair and clothing colors. I’d still like someone wearing pink and I’d like to have a black doll, an Indian doll, and maybe an oriental doll too.

The cranberry-colored car was here again. Same scenario - the passenger went into the house for a few minutes, came out, then they left.

I missed Melanie’s call just before 11:00 cuz of all the excitement of getting Maria. She and the toys came just after 10:30, then the regular mail came just after 2:00.

Andy called asking if I could mail the papers Donna gave me so he could try to call some of these businesses to set up appointments, but I told him I dumped them. He said not to worry about keeping them, that Donna would have copies, and she never called about picking them up, so I dumped them. I also don’t see how this would work out for him either, but if he can get another copy from Donna and have it work out, more power to him.

I had a vision where the scale said either 106 or 107 before 2-3 weeks is up. That’d be nice.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 28, 1999 My vibes were right. No Maria. Tom says he thinks we’ll have to end up calling them to put a trace on it by how shocked the rep he spoke to was. The rep was shocked cuz we should’ve gotten that damn doll by now. Why the fuck is there always a problem with getting dolls?

This month is the direct opposite of last. Last month I had major PMS as far as pre-cramps, water, and sore tits went. This month, I’m just four days away from my period and I have not one stitch of PMS. I think I know what that means. I’ll probably start spotting a few days late. Therefore, I won’t get a full flow till about a week later than I was originally supposed to.

I have an idea which may reduce the irritation I get down there, which I told Tom. I told him that since he too, seems to be content with sex on the weekends, since I haven’t heard him complain or seen him scramble to try to change our sex habits, I’m gonna insert a couple of fingers in there every Friday. That way, I should be more open and ready for the weekend. If we have to miss a weekend, I’ll keep myself as open as possible with my fingers, so that when we do get back into it, it won’t be such a shock to my crotch, since we’ll probably miss about one weekend a month. Meanwhile, the toys will supplement me during the week.

Overall, my appetite’s usually kind of low, but I do have horny spurts, so since my husband usually can’t take care of me, those toys really help! I just wish they too, would hurry up and get here! Of course, all three vibrators will be broken by the turn of the century.

Later…

Woke up at 110 pounds today, so I’ve got to watch it.

Typing’s rather difficult for me now cuz I put those airbrushed nails on again.

Tom’s on vacation from the 8th-12th of next month. Supposedly, we’re gonna go look at land, but I don’t know. It seems God’s always determined to steal his vacations. If it’s not the roof, then it’s an illness, and if not that, then Ma needs him. He has jury duty on the 8th as it is. Hopefully, God will let him have this vacation, but with our luck, his mother will fuck things up by having to go into the hospital at the start of his vacation. How much do you want to bet, though, that he’ll still want sex only on the weekends? Well, it suits me well, and whatever turns him on, turns on him.

Changed the rats’ cage yesterday. One of these days soon I’ll have to do the pig and mice.

It’s still a bit early, but so far, my vibes say there’ll be no doll, toys, or CDs today. Packages typically come in groups, anyway. So when we get the doll, we’ll probably get the toys or CDs too.

Later…

We’re getting closer to mail time and my no-doll vibe’s growing. Who did you give it to, you little fuck of a mailman? To the wrong street? The freeloaders? Someone else?

Tom got in about an hour ago and has gone to bed.

He doesn’t think Maria was misdelivered. He thinks she got lost in the mail. Whatever. I’m just sick of having to have such a hard time with getting dolls.

He says Mary’s talking to Mom about giving each of her kids $10,000 of the money she’s to leave after she’s gone. Just think, we could’ve had a total of $100,000 if he was an only child! It’s just my luck he has to have so many siblings! Anyway, you don’t have to pay taxes on anything that’s not over $10,000. I had a dream about this, too. He says, though, that this probably won’t happen until the end of the year. God, can’t we just get on with it here! Can’t you just take this burden of a woman who no doubt would love to be joined with her soul mate and let us get out of here and on with our lives? June or the end of the year just seems too far away right now, even though time flies.

Tom says they shouldn’t raise hell next door this Super Bowl Sunday, cuz the teams that are playing aren’t very popular compared to last year. Yeah, but there’ll be something. There’ll be at least half a dozen kids playing ball, even if it’s only for ten minutes.

Later…

The mailman isn’t here yet, but I just know my doll isn’t coming, and I’m getting pissed. I’m really getting pissed. What? Am I being teased when it comes to dolls and things I really want? It’s like something’s dangling the dolls overhead just out of reach saying, “You want it? Come and fetch it? Fight for it.” Well, I’m tired of having to fight for stuff in the mail, and what pisses me off even more is that there’s not a damn thing I can do about it! From now on, I’m not ordering any more dolls unless they’re to die for. Only then will I fight for them.

Got a free porn video from that company that’s to be sending the toys. They say they’re on their way, so maybe I’ll get them, maybe I won’t. It’s hit or miss.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27, 1999 I had that T-bone and was surprised to wake up at 109 pounds and not 111-112 pounds.

Tom overslept, so he won’t have time to call about Maria till he gets home.

Two black guys in a cranberry-colored car came over next door yesterday while Bill was there, but was only here for a few minutes. I’ve recently seen these black guys in this car visit quickly. They haven’t played music, but they make sure to announce their arrival by door slams and loud talking.

Lately, I’ve been bored. Yeah, believe it or not, my usual hobbies just aren’t enough lately. I need some fun, new project, but what? Can’t think of any.

Later…

It’s looking like it may rain out there, but the barometer doesn’t say so. Sometimes I wonder if the thing’s broken.

Yesterday, I shooed three kids out of our front yard by an old tree stump we have. They may have just stopped to innocently chat there, but I couldn’t know this for sure, so I opened the door and asked what they were doing. Without a word, they moved on. Why do kids today have to do their thing in other people’s yards?

Later…

The renters just gave me a ten-minute concert, but it was nothing compared to what I’d get from the freeloaders. Some dude is apparently working on his car out front. They got the front door open too, and at first I couldn’t be sure if the music was coming from the car or from inside the house, but anyway, the doors of the car were open and the guy was doing something in the hood. He’s hosing it down now. He killed the music right before he went to hose it off.

A young woman just came out to join him. They’re white and very young. Early 20s. Maybe even 18 or 19. What’s weird, though, is don’t they ever work? Every day there’s a vehicle in that driveway. In fact, four of the houses across the street always have a car or two in their driveway. Does anyone on this street work during the day? Anyway, hopefully, any music will be rare and as soft as that was. It was soft and not all bass. I could drown out its beat very easily with a soft fan.

Tom called about Maria. They say she’s on her way and that if she doesn’t come by Friday to call them and they’ll put a trace on her.

Tom still has a sore throat. I wonder why. That’s an awfully long sore throat.

How many people are living over there? The red car’s gone, but the woman and the dude are still there bopping around the white car they’ve been working on.

Andy just left me a message telling me how happy he is in Phoenix and that this is his home, etc. Yeah, I know. And as I told him in my reply, he’s not going back east. He knows it, I know it, so, so be it.

Please, Maria, be here today! The only problem with that is that I don’t sense her. I’m usually pretty good at sensing when packages are coming. Every psychic has their hot spots. Mail is one of them for me.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 26, 1999 We got the bed frame back on the bed. I forgot just how high this bed is!

Got a message from Marla and five from Evie. Yeah, she couldn’t send just one message to save her life. Most of them were jokes.

A white city pickup was next door yesterday, but not for long. It had the city emblem and the word housing on the door of the truck. Probably just inspecting. Making sure the bitch wasn’t up to any more no-noes. Bill was there when they came. I wonder if they think he lives there.

I dread this coming weekend as much as I dreaded the last three-day weekend. This is Super Bowl Sunday coming up, and even though the cock isn’t living there, it still means carloads of kids and company playing ball, and maybe even some bass, too. Well, once again, I’d rather they stay here till we move, but if they have to go, then they have to go. I have a right to live in peace while I’m still here, too.

Later…

I gotta really watch it now. I woke up at 110 pounds today cuz I ate like a pig yesterday. Yesterday was the first day since getting sick that I was starving. I was doing just fine on my veggie diet today till I felt a little drained and had Tom pick me up a T-bone when he called from Ma’s to ask if I wanted anything. He said I lacked protein. Whatever. I had around 1500 calories today and that’s gonna put me waking up at 112 pounds, so after today, I’ve really gotta watch it. At least I’m not stuck. I’m gonna get watery, though, at this time.

He’s gonna call an 800 number when he gets up to find out why my doll never came.

MONDAY, JANUARY 25, 1999 Andy’s being a pest again with his constant messages. That’s cuz he’s not working till Wednesday unless the temp agency calls. How can he expect to live? How can he make ends meet by working just a few hours a week? He just has no life whatsoever. I don’t see how he can afford his rent alone. Forget about utilities, car payments, pot, cigarettes, and food.

He said he was in this area with Laura looking for an apartment for her, but couldn’t find one. I thought apartments were plentiful out here.

Then he also said something about meeting Barbara Nicks at her house to give her a demo tape of Stevie’s. Something like that. I may’ve misunderstood what he said the meeting was for.

Tom went to begin working on the patio roof yesterday, but he not only found that he didn’t have enough roofing, but he also felt too weak and his cough returned, so he had to stop. This was what he told me in his message to me at 7:30 last night right before he left for work. I crashed at about 1:00 yesterday and didn’t get up till midnight. Guess I was zonked! He didn’t say anything about how the freeloaders returned, so I take it there was nothing to report on. I’ll still ask him when he comes in which will be a couple of hours from now.

Yesterday’s sex hurt like hell. I guess I used too much KY jelly cuz he went flying in there and it felt like I was being ripped apart and I felt a lot of pressure too. Tom says it’s because it’s been two weeks. Yeah, I know, and this part-time screwing has to stop for once and for all. My crotch just can’t take it. We just can’t screw consistently. Period. Maybe after we’ve moved and settled in the new place we can, or maybe when he retires, but we have never been able to yet and I don’t see us able to in the near future, and this isn’t what God wants for us cuz he’s never helped us find ways to screw consistently, so we need to find other alternatives. Maybe toys. Maybe just lying in bed cuddling and talking. Maybe oral and hands.

For the third time in a row, I woke up at 108 pounds. Getting thin again is nice, but it worries me. What will going back to being thin bring since it seems I always swap one problem for another one? Will it bring back the baby desires? Or will it bring some whole new problem? God, just don’t let me go back to wanting that child I can never have, please!

Later…

Tom told me he didn’t hear the bitch come in yesterday at all. Not even door slamming. However, he assumed she did come in at some point, cuz there were lights on when he left for work. Wow. And I didn’t even hear Bill pull in this morning and I was in the back room. The room that you can hear the door slamming the most in. Then again, Bill parked outside the carport. That makes a big difference.

Now here’s something really fucking weird. The cock parked on the corner of W. Weldon and N. 21 and walked to its bitch’s place from there. Now why on earth would it do that?

Tom and I were discussing reasons why Maria might not be here, besides my rotten doll luck or the mailman misdelivering her. They could’ve been wrong with the date they gave as to when she’d arrive, or he accidentally could’ve given the wrong credit card number. But if that were the case, why didn’t they call? Well, Tom will call them today or tomorrow about it.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 24, 1999 Tom said there was no activity next door yesterday. Yeah, but I also slept from 1 PM, which is about their time to come to life for the day, till late in the evening. Only God would know if there would’ve been any activity had I been up.

Woke up again at 108 pounds. I doubt I’ll shit today cuz of it.

Another thing Tom and I wondered about when we were going through all the different possible causes of sterility could be his having meningitis as a kid. He doubts it and so do I, but could it have damaged his testicles? Well, that’s OK that we’ll never know for sure if there was anything wrong with him, my eggs, hormones, or whatever, cuz fate is fate and that’s fine with me. I love my freedom.

Well, I was wrong. I just had to shit. Be back to write more after I eat.

Later…

Wow! Just like old times. I get full before I can finish my food. For a while there, after quitting smoking, I’d eat every bite and still be hungry.

Maria still didn’t come. Who’d the mailman give her to? They said she’d be here by the 24th, but did they know that the 24th is a Sunday? Tom said if we don’t get her by Monday, we’ll call them. Always a problem getting dolls. Always.

Later…

A long time ago Tom said he’d set up a thing that allowed me to choose which pictures to tile and which to center for my wallpaper. Right now, they all have to be one way or the other. Since that was one of the many things he never had time to do, I found a way around having it be one or the other. I went into this program that allows me to select a screen-size background and center the ones I wanted to be centered that way. I put pretty colorful backgrounds on the ones that wouldn’t quite stretch to fit the screen.

I had Mickey in the pink ball that Tom got while I was sick.

I got five animal cards in the mail from that pushy Humane Society, so I used them for my nieces, Tammy, and Paula.

I told Tom I’d like to put the bed back on its frame since taking off the frame ended up serving no purpose like I should’ve known. He’ll have time for it hopefully in a month or two from now.

Yesterday I was tight again, but this time, it wasn’t just cuz of the pollution. It was cuz of the congestion I had. So far, I’m better today. My cough is almost all gone.

Once again, Andy’s so rude and selfish that I wonder why I even bother with him! He left a message saying he got my mail and agreed I looked thin and have lost weight. Then he said that that was a crock of shit how I said I’d come over and take care of him if he got this flu. So I left a message telling him that that was rather insulting of him to call me a liar like that. I really would do everything I could to help him if he needed it. As long as Tom didn’t need me more than he did at the moment. Then he started smacking in my ear and admitted that he’d just started munching, so he was gonna hang up. Of course, he couldn’t just wait the two extra seconds. He deliberately had to start eating right before he hung up, not right after. People just can’t do the simplest little things! He never asked how I was feeling, either.

In an earlier message to me, he mentioned Laura moved back in, but only for a little while. He said he’d explain that one to me some other time.

Once again, I decided to give printing out these journals a break. Meanwhile, I still have all those pages made up of picture borders of family pictures, animals, journals, drawings, etc. So I picked the ones I didn’t want to send Tammy or anyone I know to use for the freeloaders. Pictures without us in it, naturally.

Later…

We’re gonna be screwing in a little while, which I have no desire to do. It’s just that I’d feel mean by saying no, even though he doesn’t want to get off with me any more than I want to with him. I prefer vibrators nowadays. He just went into the bathroom to do a duty, so he says, but I know why he really went into the bathroom.

Freeloader update: Miss Bitch and her slew of company were off to an early start today. I looked out to see two white cars (one on the street with the rack on its trunk and one in the driveway with the thick black trim), three adult women, and at least four kids. The kids were playing ball for a few minutes, but mostly, they were just wandering about with the adults who were all clustered around the car on the street. They were there for about ten minutes, then the car on the street quietly left, and the one in the driveway left a few minutes later playing soft music. I don’t think the bitch was in this car.

Are they testing me? Slowly pushing the music back on me to see how much I’ll take? Well, I won’t take hardly much at all. Trust me, you fucking freeloaders!

Anyway, the bitch was wearing a green sweatsuit, and her little friend was wearing a royal blue or purple one. One of the women was around the bitch’s height and had on a white long-sleeved shirt with denim overalls and a cap. The other woman was very tall.

One of the boys headed into our yard and got to the center of it before the bitch called it back. One of the kids’ names is Jordan.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 23, 1999 And here I was saying how I was sick of him being sick. Well, I guess my tough immune system exists no more, cuz I got sicker than a dog! We both did.

Let me get the quicker subjects out of the way first. Those that don’t take much to write about. At 8 AM on MLK Day, I had a feeling that there wouldn’t be any trouble from next door. I was right. Till 7:30. Yeah, as they do every MLK Day, they had to make their MLK Day salute by banging in for about two minutes. It was the white car this time. Not the cock. I haven’t seen him lately, but that could be just because of my schedule. They came in just two hours after I’d gotten up. God held them off till I got up cuz Tom said he didn’t hear anything else. There weren’t any ball games either since I was on nights. I’m kind of between nights and days right now so who knows what’ll go on this weekend as far as ball games go? Anyway, the white car was dropping the bitch and the mistake off and of course, they made the big deal of it they usually make. Had to slam doors and yell for about five minutes, but the music was only a 90-second thing. Yeah, they were about due for their little music scene they give us every few months, and of course they’d pick MLK Day to do it. If we all were here for 20 more MLK Days, then that’s 20 more MLK Days that they’d do something to get attention. Like I said, though, we’re pretty sure it’s just their I-gotta-rebel-against-her-every-few-months thing since they know one time every now and then won’t get them in trouble, but this weekend will be a test to see if they’re planning on reverting back to old times. If they do, I’ll take care of it, naturally, by doing two things. I’ll beat the shit out of them and I’ll contact the city. Once again, I really hope I don’t have to do this, since according to the stock market, we’re looking at a 75% chance we’ll be out of here in what he says is May, June, or July. I vibe June, July, or August. I want us to go first. Not just so I can make my little delivery to them, but cuz I don’t trust that they’ll leave this house alone. Tom says it’s awfully hard to burn down a brick house. Then they’ll shoot it up, I said, but he disagrees. He said if they went first, they might play loud music while they were loading up, but that’s all they’d do.

I’m so sick of these blacks and Mexicans! If I never see them again it’ll be too soon. All they want to do is deal drugs, kick ass, and gangbang it while they mooch off of welfare and our tax dollars and cry racism. If Abe Lincoln were resurrected tomorrow, I’d put him in the ground again for freeing these subhuman pieces of sheer shit!

We got the pictures back and what a huge difference in these pictures of me compared to the California ones from last April! I didn’t look all that fat at all and when I asked him if he thought I looked fat, he said not even close. So I scanned copies for Andy and Tammy. I also enclosed a couple of pictures of Tom giving himself a haircut with the home haircutting thing we have.

Even Dureen and Art will be getting mail from me. Yeah, you heard right. Tom’s big on not throwing things out, so instead of ditching that big picture of Dureen, Art, Larry and his kids, I decided to mail it back to them and have Andy stick in a message with a couple of those pictures of me we just got. Andy really doesn’t have a damn thing to do with this, but I said I was Andy typing the message, which was only about five lines long. I said I saw Jodi as she was about to throw away that picture and I urged her to address an envelope to you and let me send it to you. She just stepped out at a neighbor’s and doesn’t know I’m also enclosing this message and these pictures. She still doesn’t smoke and is thin again, she had fertility testing and her uterus and tubes are OK, she and Tom are doing great, she’s now into doll collecting, getting ready to move in a few months, and still doesn’t want to talk to you.

In other words - she’s doing just fine without you!

Maria still hasn’t come. Tom said maybe they really do have a set system where they know exactly what day she’s gonna get here. Also, if we don’t get her by Monday, we’ll call them. And maybe we should take a visit to N. 21 Dr. too.

Later…

I forgot to mention the very vivid dream I had the night before I called and canceled the consultation with Dr. Wells. In the dream, I had a test confirming the mucus within my uterus was so bad that I could never conceive. Now that was a definite sign from God or from something. Maybe my uterus mucus or anything else isn’t necessarily fucked up, but the point’s the same - a reminder of what’s meant to be. This, along with logic, helped me to make the decision to cancel. I always believed that God guides us throughout our lives in the ways that he wants and that if we stray onto the wrong path, he guides us back to the right path.

Do I think I’m meant to resume testing at a later date? No. I mean, I know I wasn’t meant to deal with my ear back when I first went to Boston about it in the late 80s, and I know I wasn’t meant to deal with the impacted tooth when I first checked into it in 1994 (at least I think it was in 1994), but this is different.

OK, now about this flu we’re just getting over. It was a killer! I haven’t had the flu or been this sick since the very early 90s. I’ve never had a fever like this either. He got up to 104º and I got up to 102º. The fever kept going on and on, too. Every time it’d lower, it’d go back up again. It was the longest sore throat I’d had too, and a cough just like when I smoked. My lungs burned and stung like hell when I’d cough, and we were both coughing up blood. We had the exact same symptoms. He’s a day or two ahead of me, though. He still has a cough and a sore throat. I still have a slight cough. The cough was weird because I didn’t feel congested till I’d cough. You’d think your lungs were empty till you’d cough and find that there was a lot to cough up. It was high up, I guess, rather than deep down in the lungs. I wonder if the constant tightness I was having prior to getting sick had anything to do with this.

Anyway, I’m really glad to be feeling better. I was quite miserable. I could only sleep for three hours every twelve hours till the night before last. I was too sick to be functional in any way. Tom had to wait on me a lot. If I were still alone, I’d have been fucked! I couldn’t read, I couldn’t write, I couldn’t sing. All I could really do was listen to music or lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.

As I told Tom, this shit’s gotta stop. I can’t keep playing cold and flu with him, now that I know that if he gets sick, I get sick too. He has to do something about his getting sick so often. It’s not only hard on us both when just he would get sick, but now that it’s gonna be both of us, that’s gonna really put a damper on our lives and make things tough. So, he’s starting with changing his lousy eating habits. Hopefully, he’ll do this for more than a week, and hopefully God will let this be the answer. Then we’ll worry about what shit he replaces his colds with once we find a way to get rid of them if we can. I can see one or two colds a year, but his five or six colds a year are absolutely ridiculous for a man who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t have a wife who smokes, or has kids wearing him down.

I’m down to 108 pounds. I had almost no appetite whatsoever while I was sick, but the reason I didn’t drop down to 105 or lower was cuz I also didn’t shit while I was sick. My body hung onto all it could. Its shit, its water, its everything.

I’m gonna begin a veggie diet. I got a good idea that’ll let me eat regularly to keep me from being hungry, yet that’s very low in calories. I’ll eat five times a day, every three hours. Popcorn, soup, and small cans of peas, green beans, corn, and things like that. I’m gonna give up the TV dinners for a while. I’m a little sick of them.

I’m looking a lot better, even if I still do have my share of flaws. My hair’s dead and uneven and I still have craters. My face is out of proportion cuz of my big eyes, average nose, and little round hole of a mouth. I also have a pointy chin, wide cheeks, and a narrow forehead.

Tom said he heard a report saying that if you do journaling, it’ll build up your immune system. Then why was I sicker than a dog back east? I was doing journals there. I asked him this and he said to compare how much I wrote before moving in here and how my health was before moving in here. Well, he has a point. I’ve been writing much more since living with him and I’ve been much healthier, too.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 17, 1999 I have so much to write about but don’t know that I’ll get to it all in one sitting.

The text in this word processor can be centered, aligned to the left, aligned to the right, or aligned on both sides. I always had it where it’s lined up evenly just on the left side. However, I changed it so it’s lined up evenly on both sides and it looks so much better.

Saw a doll show again last night. Out of the 30 or so dolls they showed, only 2-3 of them were nice, but I can’t believe the prices! So cheap.

I also saw Dean Koontz’s Phantoms which just came out in a movie. I read the book a while back. The book I’m now reading is More Than You Know by Judith Kelman.

Andy called yesterday to tell me he received the doll and rat pictures and that the dolls are beautiful. Not what he had pictured.

I think that’s pretty much it as far as little tidbits of trivial stuff are concerned.

Now onto the shit that’s going on around here. Same old, same old. He’s sick again! Yeah, you heard right. Damn! I am so sick of his sicknesses! This guy’s either sick, or dead tired, or busy taking care of his mother, and I’m sooooo fucking sick of it!!! Is this same old shit ever going to end? That’s a stupid question, huh? He’s wondering if all this sickness might not end up building up his immunities as it did with me. Because I had had one cold or flu after another for so long, my immune system is now tougher than all hell, but I also had a pneumonia shot. He didn’t. I can see if he was a smoker like I used to be, but he’s not. There’s no reason he should be getting this sick this often. I urged him to go to a doctor about it, but I don’t know. He had a fever of 104º before and said he’d have gone to the ER if it had hit 105º. Still, I wonder, am I gonna get sick again? And if I do, will it be as easy as the last cold I had which barely counted as a cold and barely lasted 30 hours?

I’m just really bummed out here and even a bit scared. How many more years is his time gonna be tied up in his mother and his colds? And what would God replace him with if his mom and colds were suddenly gone? See? We couldn’t have a kid if I still wanted one and were OK, not just because God wouldn’t allow it, but because there’s no time to have sex more than once every week or two, and therefore, there certainly wouldn’t have been time to raise it. He says he disagrees with all this, but I’ve always felt he just loves to disagree with me. It’s like he’s obsessed with it.

Before I go do other things, let me just say that I’m canceling the consultation and further testing because I don’t want a kid, a child is not meant to be no matter what, and we can’t meet the testing requirements. There’s no way we can screw 2-3 times a week. He’s just too sick, too tired, or too busy. As always, he overestimates us and says things can change. If they’ve been the way they have been for as long as we’ve been together, then they’re not changing. I still have a relatively low drive compared to when we first met, but thank God for the toys that are on their way. They really help fill in the huge gaps here.

How are we ever gonna do what we’ve got to do in this house in order to sell it and get enough money out of it, move, and build our dream house if he’s always sick, tired, or busy??? Again, he totally disagrees with this, but thank God I didn’t get pregnant back when I wanted to. Not just because I couldn’t have handled carrying it, having it, and rearing it, but because if he’s so tired, sick, and busy now, imagine what it would’ve been like for him then!

Unfortunately, I’m on a night schedule now. Got up at 6 PM. I say it’s unfortunate because I’d really like to be up for tomorrow’s antics next door. I’m afraid that if they wake me up, however slim of a chance that may be, I won’t be able to control my actions. I’d lose control for sure if they woke me up in this day and age.

Why the fuck couldn’t they have waited just a little longer to acknowledge MLK Day out here?! Instead, they had to fucking acknowledge it the very same year I came out here. They haven’t acted out today or yesterday, according to Tom, but it’s tomorrow that they will. However, as Tom pointed out, things are different this year. Last Labor Day was the first one that they didn’t make a scene on, so maybe this will be the first MLK Day they won’t make fools of themselves. We’ll see. I don’t have a bad vibe right now, but we’re gonna have to get closer to morning before I can tune in to what may occur over there. I’m surprised there haven’t been any ball games yet this weekend, but there’s another force at work here. It’s not just them that’s harassed me, but it’s also God using and allowing them to badger me. So in a sense, I’m not surprised there were no ball games today. God knew I wouldn’t be up to hear it, not that I would’ve gone and cranked the fan or music up, but it’s just the principle of the point - neighbor’s noise. Deliberate neighbor’s noise.

In due time, God. In due time. That’ll all change. Of course, he’ll go do something else, but I’ll deal with that then.

Another reason I want to push my schedule onto days is so I can be up when Maria arrives. Unless she comes towards the end of the week, I probably won’t be up to get her if she comes on Tuesday. That seems a little too soon, though, even though they said by the 24th. Meaning, she could come sooner. I just hope that if she comes when I’m asleep, whoever delivers her leaves her out front. I don’t know if she’s coming by regular mail, UPS, or what?

SATURDAY, JANUARY 16, 1999 I started doing some exercises with the leg weights on. The leg weights really make a big difference in my ability to really feel the muscles working. I think that extra resistance really helps. It was kind of boring doing the exercises to the music, so I'm now reading while I work out. The only ones I can't do while I read are the arm exercises. The rest, I can hold the book while I do them. Unless the print is large, I do one exercise per page. I'm now doing a total of 15 exercises.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 15, 1999 It’s been a quiet Friday night. So far. The bitch isn’t out or expecting company from the looks of things. The porch light is off, and there are lights on inside. Usually, this means she’s home and expecting no one.

I dread this long MLK Day weekend. I know there’s gonna be some kind of scene from over there if not all three days, then one of them. I mean, with the fans, headphones, and knowing we’re out of here this year, I don’t “dread” weekend ball games, but you just never know if they’re gonna revert to their old ways and thump this house down with their fucking bass. Well, if they do, that’s their eviction notice and their problem. Not mine. From here on out, they won’t directly meet with me and my fists unless they begin waking me up constantly, and if they haven’t done this yet, I’m sure they won’t start. Meanwhile, when they go screaming and ball-playing, I’m not gonna give them the reaction they’d like, but I will have the city evict them if it’s ever necessary. The consolation in it, though, is that it’s our last one. Our last MLK Day here.

I received the latest Ashton-Drake catalog. I was surprised at how many new dolls they’ve got. They have a lot more boy dolls.

They had a couple of cute new dolls. One named Melissa and a cute two-doll set, but they were just too small. I prefer the bigger dolls. The stores are too expensive and the catalog’s too small, so I guess I’ll be doing business with the TV doll shows for a while. I told Tom to let me know when he thinks money’s available again and I’ll watch the show. Their dolls are bigger and cheaper.

Thank God I got Rapunzel and Patrice when I did, cuz they weren’t in the catalog. I don’t know if this means they broke their molds and they no longer exist, or if they put them in every other catalog or so, so they can feature more dolls, but I’m still glad I got them when I did.

Paula called again last night, so I called her back (I didn’t hear the phone ring when she called). Again, she didn’t want anything. Just to tell me that she got it on with this guy who’s already involved in his car in the middle of a snowstorm. I was surprised to hear her say she kind of felt bad for his girlfriend since she seemed nice. I didn’t know Paula was capable of considering someone else’s feelings. Anyway, she said he said they argue all the time. Paula said she’s gonna give him an ultimatum - it’s either her or the girlfriend. I told her that I felt that if he could cheat on his girlfriend, he could cheat on her. I don’t think she believes or wants to believe that, but it’s her life. She said I’m the only one that knows about this, too.

She’s also looking at apartments in Springfield and W. Springfield. Yeah, she sure moves around a lot like Fran did. I’m surprised she’s been where she is for as long as she has been. She says the people are too nosy where she is. Everyone’s nosy, I told her. Especially in apartments and even more so in projects.

I also got those fertility papers. It’s not as complex as I thought it was. Meaning, there aren’t a bunch of complex tests. However, since he rarely gets off, is constantly tired or busy, has to chauffeur his mom to appointments, and since I can’t keep a schedule to save my life, it’s complex for us. Meaning, they’re saying to screw 2-3 times a week. Yeah, right! Then they’re saying to screw every other day during mid-cycle. Ugh-huh. Sure.

I would never have known, though, that position can affect conception. They’re saying the best is the missionary position. That’s about the only thing we got right. However, they’re advising the woman to put a pillow under her hips and that the man stays still inside the woman while he’s having the orgasm. OK, two things we got right and are capable of doing, but that’s about it. They say KY jelly can weaken or kill sperm and they advise you not to use it, but I have to. I’m too dry nowadays during sex. That’s mainly why I get so irritated down there.

It looks like there are about five tests and I’ll be damned if I’ll do the fourth one, cuz that’ll be just as bad as the first test, the HSG (hysterosalpingogram). This is where they scrape uterus cells to see if your hormones are off-balance, but why didn’t they just do that while they were already in there doing the HSG test? The postcoital test is the second test where they test the cervical mucus. This test should be no worse than a regular pelvic exam. The last test is where they check his sperm if he’ll let them have a sample of it.

Anyway, I’m really sick of this stuff. I’ve really had enough. I don’t want a child, I’m not meant to have one, so I’m leaning toward calling it quits here. I see no need to put myself through any more shit when I got my answers. If my uterus isn’t fucked up, then there’s probably nothing visibly wrong at all. Like I said, you don’t have to visibly be fucked up for fate to carry itself out. On top of all this, we can’t meet the requirements for testing. He won’t cum that often, and we’re just too busy, too tired, or off schedule to even get together in the first place.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 1999 Got a steal of a deal on the home shopping channel! As you know, Bailey’s a sitting doll, 24” long, handmade, at a cost of $300. Well, they had a doll just two inches shorter, also sitting and handmade, for just $50! She’ll be here by the 24th. She’s Spanish and her name’s Maria! She’s got on red shoes with gold buckles, white stockings with a nice little design in them, a white dress with ruffles and a rose on the chest, a necklace, and some shiny veil-like thing on the head. She has brown hair and hazel eyes. Most of the dolls they have suck, but the dolls they do have are mostly bigger and cheaper compared to Ashton Drake and the doll stores we’ve been to. Way cheaper!

I’m also getting three vibrators. So, we have four things on their way; pictures, CDs, vibrators, and Maria.

The first of the books I got this time around is good. It’s called One Last Kiss.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 13, 1999 Evie left me a lengthy message all about how Parker needs constant watching and is in his terrible twos early. It’s things like this that make me not want a child and that reminds me that I could never handle it. How would I not run out of patience and beat the snot out of the thing? Thankfully, I’ve been my usual self and haven’t had a bad day since the 7th. As long as days like the 7th are either never again, or far and few between, I’ll be perfectly content to remain childless. Still, I’m determined to meet with the doctor and hear what she has to say. I’m gonna rebel against God, even if I know what’s meant to be and what’s not. It’s like if I were in a fight; even if I knew the person could beat me, they’re gonna have to beat me down. I’m not gonna just bow down to them the instant they’re onto me just cuz I know they’ll win. Well, I’m not gonna run away from God anymore either, and be his little puppet. He may always win and I may be on his side with this issue, but I’m not gonna just lay down and accept his ways and be his victim. He controlled me and made me how I am for a reason and I want to know how he did it. Not just why. He’s taken enough from me. That’s all I can say. He’s allowed enough bad times to occur in my life. Although he took my plumbing for good, correct reasons, he’s not taking any more. Not if I can help it. I gave my ear, my plumbing, my childhood, and enough’s enough.

I still haven’t gotten that fertility info so naturally, I’m wondering if it was misdelivered.

Woke up at 109 pounds. God, when I was 125 pounds, it was hard to imagine me ever being 109 again, and now that I am, it’s hard to imagine I was up to 125 pounds! I still don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror. I still see someone who’s not downright fat, but who’s chunky, and who’s pure flab. I really should do some toning exercises, but I guess I’m lazy. I do wear the leg weights, though. Well, I know I’m not doing too bad overall. I may not look like I used to, but compared to your average woman, I’m pretty skinny and fit. Especially since most women do have kids and I haven’t.

I worry about Tom. His cold’s been dragging on cuz he hasn’t been able to get enough sleep. His mother made sure of that today and yesterday. Yesterday he went over to fix her light switch. When I asked why Mary or Dave don’t fix their own fucking light switches, he said he wouldn’t want them to. Today, he had to take her to get her staples out of her stomach. At least she’s doing really well and the swelling’s gone down in her feet. She can feel them again, too! Still, I wish God would have her move on and go join Dad. I’m sure they’d love to be together.

I haven’t worked on the puzzles I have on the vanity table in the music room, so I think I’ll go do that now.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 12, 1999 Just changed the rat’s cage around again. I also moved them by the back door so I could see them from the kitchen.

Tom took some nice pictures today before I got up. He took a couple of good ones of Shiny and an excellent one of Shiny. Took a couple of good shots of Porky too, and even a good one of Velvet. I was surprised, cuz Velvet’s hard to shoot cuz he’s just this big black blob.

Anyway, I went through the pictures we’ve been taking and cropped some, and put them where I want them. Some are just being stored on the computer and some are in my subdirectories.

I went to take a picture of Bill’s car at 3:30, but when I stepped out, there was a woman at the collie’s house who saw me, and I’d prefer to be discreet if I can help it. So, I’ll shoot the picture some other day, then enclose that in their little packet, be it superimposed with something or not. That really ought to creep them out.

I’m mailing Tammy and Andy some cute rat pictures and some of my favorite dolls. Stamps just went up a cent to 33¢, so we’ll have to get a few 1¢ stamps to add to the few old 32¢ stamps we’ve got. Like the PO really needs that extra precious cent! I’ve also got Lisa’s birthday card going out to her.

Got my jury dismissal notice in the mail, which is great.

I’ve picked out about 5 vibrators from a catalog that sells them that just came. Perfect timing. I’m really hooked on these things for when Tom’s unavailable. They won’t last long, though.

I asked Tom if he still wanted to take ibuprofen and get off when I’m mid-cycle, even though I know he could get off every day and I’d still get every period, and he said yes. So I made my best mid-cycle guess and that’s on MLK Day. So, we’ll have to screw with the fans on for sure, since they’re gonna be playing ball or whatever the fuck it is they’re gonna do to get my attention and recognition for that day. Yeah, they just gotta rub their color in that day.

I emailed Kim, Evie, and Marla and let them know the HSG test was negative. I told Andy too, on his machine. In his reply message to me, he said it was nice to know that there’s nothing wrong with me, so maybe Tom’s the problem. In my reply message, I told him that just because my uterus and tubes are OK, doesn’t mean my eggs aren’t or that there isn’t some other problem within my plumbing, but I could very well be OK since God doesn’t have to sterilize a woman to make sure she never conceives. All he has to do is just make sure she never conceives no matter if her parts are good or not.

He also said a prayer to God right on the phone for us to have a kid, and says God always comes through for him. If he always comes through for him then why is he still alone? And why isn’t he a rich and famous singer? Anyway, I told him he can do what he wants, but he’s wasting his time praying for a kid. I should know. I didn’t tell him I don’t want a kid and that I just want to rebel against God and go through the motions and play this thing out, even though I know how it’s fated to play out, cuz for a variety of reasons I’m not so open with Andy these days. I don’t discuss much at all with him anymore, whereas in the past, I’d tell him everything. It’s not that I don’t trust him, it’s just that a lot of the time he’s too baked to get it or to remember a damn thing I tell him. He also tends to argue and challenge a lot of what I say. However, he’s been really supportive of this fertility shit I’m wasting my time with, and for that, I’m appreciative and grateful.

He didn’t get together with Juliet cuz she was sick. I hope they’ll get together some other time soon.

Later…

I haven’t heard from Evie lately. Maybe David decided he didn’t like those jokes I sent after all? Well, you know what? I don’t care. If her feelings have been hurt or if I’ve made waves of any kind, if it isn’t just a case of her being busy, I don’t care. My days of being overly sensitive to people’s feelings are over. All that matters is Tom’s feelings.

I decided to grow my bangs out. All of them. Not just on the sides. I got impatient with those sides sticking out and cut those, but now I’m gonna let them all grow out. I need something different, even though Tom and I both like bangs better, and I’m sick of having to always trim them and have them look good some days and dorky other days. Eventually, I’ll cut bangs again after they’ve grown out for a while.

Last night Paula called. She didn’t want me to look up another name for her, either. She just wanted to chat, and it had to have been our best chat yet. It was really nice. She was still her usual ditzy self, but we were giggling and talking about all kinds of things, and I even had a moment where tears stung my eyes over missing her. She talked again about coming out this summer, but who knows? We asked each other our ritual questions. I ask her if she’s experimented on the other side yet, and she asks me if there are any babies yet. She says she knows I’ll have one someday, but it’ll only happen when it’s time. Then she also said she’d find a way to get out here to help me through it if I did have a kid, which I thought was so sweet. I know I’ll never have a kid and that her getting out here isn’t as easy as she may think, but still, that was sweet of her. I know she’s sincere about it.

She’s going to Florida for a couple of weeks to visit her father.

She says she’s up to 140 pounds, has her hair short, and dyed maroon. Yuck. Maroon? Short? She looked so good with her long brown hair. Anyway, I told her about Chromium Picolinate and how it usually suppresses your appetite.

When I hung up, I said “love you,” as I do to those I’m close to and it was the first time she said it back.

MONDAY, JANUARY 11, 1999 Let me do the freeloader update thing first. Bill was here today, and he left at the usual time of 4:30. Then a little while later, a black car was parked in the driveway that we’ve never seen before. Tom saw it as he was pulling in from getting me wax and getting a new filter for the AC duct. He said he saw a lady. During this car’s visit, I saw the bitch talking to the light blue car on the street for a minute. As I was going to listen to music, I heard the bitch yelling and saw her through the music room window talking to the lady who obviously just got into the black car. Yeah, as usual, she was pretty pissed. I don’t know if she was pissed at the lady or if she was just bitching to the lady about something that had her pissed off.

After the black car left, I could’ve sworn I heard a car door next door as I was in the bedroom talking with Tom, but when I went and looked (it was now dark) I saw no car. I saw that she did replace her porch light, though, and that that was on. It’s on right now, so I take it the cock or someone’s coming over. Maybe the car was over there but is in the carport and is just too hard to see in the dark, but I doubt it. Sometimes, though, their low cars are hard to see over that wall, even if I climb on a chair, cuz I’m so short.

Why is she always such a mean, mad, aggressive bitch? I can only imagine just what kind of mother she must be, and boy is it scary! The bitch changed her hairstyle. She’s got it in lots of braids, but it’s still tucked under at the nape of her neck. She looked sort of ridiculous from what I could see earlier (she was only about 10’ away) with some of the braids sticking out and hanging down. Her hair’s gotten long, though. To the middle of her back. Maybe a bit longer.

In my letter to Tammy, I enclosed some pictures of my dolls and some cute rat pictures I took last night. Just of Butterscotch and Ratsy, though. The two bravest. Porky and Mickey were camera shy. As I told her, though, I’ll get them shot sometime, and soon I’ll send pictures of us, too.

Tom and I didn’t get to have sex today as we’d planned, cuz he was too tired. Like I said, something up there does not want us to have sex during weekdays, but my crotch is basically only good for the weekends anyway, or else I’ll get sore. We did chat a bit, though, and we put together a list of the shit that’s gotta be done with this house. Here it is:

Pick up roofing bits from the side and back of the house

Gravel the front

Replace the bathroom sink

Fill in the AC hole in the back room

Tear up back room carpet

Finish the front security door (take off back screen door)

Paint the inside and the outside of the house

Fill in the holes in the back room ceiling

Put a vent in the bathroom

Sand the bedroom closet door

Put a fence around the pool

Repaint the pool steps

Later…

Lights off next door. I noticed this a few minutes ago, so maybe she just forgot they were on.

Thanks to Butterscotch, I had to wash my hair just now and it’s not even a wash day. That’s cuz I literally “scared the shit out of him.” I went to pick him up and he freaked. He squealed and shit in my hair and all over my shirt. Not the usual hard duties, but runny shit. So I had to shower and wash my hair. The poor guy. I made it up to him as best I could with some extra lettuce and cheese.

Paula and I have been playing more phone tag. I’ll try to call her earlier tomorrow.

I just left Andy a message telling him of my test results, that my cold turned out to be the easiest cold I ever had, and that I hoped his visit with Juliet went well. I told him I wanted to hear about it and to leave me a message. When I told him Friday that I had a cold, he asked if there was anything he could do for me. That was nice of him.

I’ll get on with the test results which are sort of unfuckingbelievable in a moment.

First, let me cover Tammy’s latest shit. Sarah passed out cuz of some lung problem, Tammy’s got lung fluid that leaked out of her lungs and into her ribs (if I heard her right), Lisa’s still rebellious, and a young mother (always a young mother), and her two sons died in a fire that lived nearby. Tammy’s worried they’ll all die like they did cuz Lisa’s throwing spent matches onto the floor which is littered with papers. She said Lisa will not clean her room or do anything she was supposed to do and is asked to do, so she called the state on Tammy, then Tammy blew up and called her a bitch. Lovely. Just lovely. I thought my sister’s motto was that two wrongs don’t make a right It’s a waste of time I know, but I told her that name-calling and pitching fits won’t help solve anything. Of course, the state’s not gonna do anything like they almost never do, and Tammy says she’s gonna kick Lisa out when she’s 16 on the 20th of this month. If they call us about taking Lisa, well, I don’t know if I want to anymore. I still love Lisa and I always will, no matter if I never see or talk to her again or not, but Tammy’s right about Lisa’s lying. Tammy may be a shit mom who makes a million mistakes, but she’s not bullshitting when it comes to Lisa’s lying. Even Lisa herself admitted to me she’s lied, and she lied to me about not contacting Larry, so now that trust has been damaged. Maybe we wouldn’t have the same relationship we have on the phone if she came to live with us. Maybe Tammy’s right and maybe Lisa would walk all over us and raise hell.

I reminded Tammy too, that she really ought to smoke outside if she’s not gonna quit. Sarah and Becky don’t need that secondhand smoke. Again, though, it’s her life and she’s gotta do what she’s gotta do. No one can tell her what to do.

Maybe I’ve got more Dureen in me than I’d like, cuz I’m still leaning toward walking when we move. Then again, Dureen would stick around and try to change the person rather than just walk away, whereas I say - if you don’t like someone, don’t have anything to do with them. Don’t try to change or control them, just walk away. It’s not that I don’t like her, Lisa, or the girls, of course. It’s just the same old shit that brings me down and sometimes pisses me the fuck off. Maybe I’m a wimp, but I can’t deal with the anger and with the same old problems with Bill and all that shit (although I guess he kept his paws to himself in Florida). Tom, naturally, doesn’t think I should walk. He said that’d be like my dumping Andy just because someone pissed him off. In other words, that’d be his problem that he’d have to work out. Yeah, I know, but still, it’s that last remaining tie to the past that I really feel needs to be severed. It’s not that I wouldn’t feel bad about walking cuz Tammy wouldn’t do that to me. And also, I know it’s gonna hurt Lisa. But they don’t need me any more than I need to be a part of their problems and a part of that painful past, and as they know and will learn, people come and go throughout our lives. The only problems I can deal with right now are any that may arise within my own household and even that can be hard. This sterility shit I’ve been dealing with for years can really take its toll on me. When it isn’t downright reducing me to tears, it’s still playing on a back burner within my mind. That feeling of being abnormal and being controlled and punished by God is still lurking within my subconscious.

I got my card reminding me it was time for a cleaning/check-up so I first called the dentist to see if I could schedule an appointment with Charlene the same day I see Melanie on the 1st, but couldn’t get in that day. Melanie answered, by the way. So I made the appointment for the 8th. Then I saw that Tom had jury duty that day, so I called back and got Tisha who’s the receptionist that’s always there when I go in, and told her I couldn’t make it that day. So she moved me to the 22nd, and the good of it is that I can see Melanie right after it and hit two birds with one stone.

Then I called Dr. Well’s office and left a message saying that I wasn’t too happy that I haven’t been called back since leaving the message I left last Thursday and to please get back to me. So Monique, doctor Well’s nurse, called me back explaining that she had a family emergency, my HSG test was normal, she’s mailing me papers all about their fertility work-ups that they do, the next step will be to see if I’m ovulating and check his sperm after we’ve had sex, and that one-hour consultation with the doctor.

In other words, if I want to keep going, even though I know damn well what the end results will be, I have to lower myself to more painful tests and deal with his not cumming on command. Not that we’d have the time to screw around for this test if I was mid-cycle during the week. I don’t know if this is no worse than a regular exam, or what. I guess he’s supposed to get off when I’m mid-cycle, then I’m supposed to go in there and have them scrape a sample of his cum from me to see if his sperm count’s too low. Maybe to see if I have that bacteria that kills sperm, too. The doctor’s also gonna do something to see if I ovulate, but I have no clue as to what this could entail. Maybe she’ll give me pills to make me ovulate, then use an ovulation predictor test to see if I ovulated like I’m supposed to.

Tom’s insisting that cumming on a schedule will be no problem just like how he told me he’d cum when he did the last time he did, but I don’t know. Sometimes he keeps his word with that, but most of the time he doesn’t. He even said that he can’t cum under pressure. He can’t just cum on cue.

How can my uterus be fine? This is what I don’t get. Does this mean the DES didn’t affect me in any bad way? If my uterus and fallopian tubes are OK, does this mean my eggs are fucked up? My first guess was the uterus, but my second guess is the eggs since they made a guinea pig out of me for so long with so many different medications. Tom said it could be anything from the way I wash myself down there after sex, to my body temperature. But I thought I gave it enough time in between sex and washing. Is it body chemistry? Hormones? Or am I perfectly normal? Maybe I am normal after all. Like I said, God doesn’t have to visibly alter one’s plumbing in order to make sure they never have a child.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 10, 1999 I just called Paula who says she’s gonna call me back. She left a message earlier wanting to know if I could find a number for some guy in Texas. This time, instead of saying no, I’ll tell her I found a match and give her a bogus number. I know it’s dishonest, but the ditz won’t know the difference. It seems she only calls when she wants me to look for someone on the Internet. If it was as easy as snapping my fingers and having Paula here for a little visit, I would do it in a heartbeat. But if I were to never hear from her again, I can’t say I’d miss her. She’s just there at this point in my life. Just someone who exists that I know. I’ve known her since I was about 19.

Meanwhile, I’ve got a shitload of updating to do, and in the midst of taking breaks to sing, read, and watch some movies, I’m gonna get started. Let me back up and try to go in order of events.

The 7th, as I said before, was a nightmare. It was totally, totally miserable and just like old times. I felt like it was somewhere between 1994-1997 all over again. I just cried and cried and was so pissed off at God for taking away my right to choose what to do with my life/body. I was both sad and angry.

As my anger mounted and peaked, I decided that saying “You can’t fight God and win” would no longer cut it for me. I was gonna take back my rights as a woman, fight back, and beat God for sure. I was gonna get fixed, become all woman no matter how excruciating, and make that mistake that should’ve been mine to make a few years ago. And I was gonna soak up every miserable moment of that mistake, too.

The next day, and since then, I was back to my old self, thank fucking God! I know I can’t fight God and win and change fate. Also, I do not want a child. I want to live. I want to be free. I just hope to hell that the 7th was a rare setback and that it’ll mostly, if not completely, remain a thing of the past. There’s nothing like being as angry and as depressed as I was, feeling cheated, feeling controlled, and cursed by this non-empathetic, controlling God! Never do I want to experience that hopeless despair again!

Tom was very supportive, reminding me that it’s OK to feel as I did. He heard a report on TV about how fertility clinics should really keep in mind that women are angry. They’re angry if they can’t conceive, they’re angry if they do conceive and have to go through all that shit just to do it when no woman should have to in the first place. No one should have to work for or pay for getting pregnant. People should have the right to do what they want with their own lives and with their own bodies. Period.

Anyway, I’ll never have a child, I know that, I’m OK with that as I have been for about a year now, but I still do intend to call this doctor’s office Monday and give them a piece of my mind. Tom says it’s like this everywhere nowadays where it’s a battle just to get a doctor to call you back. Do I think it’s a sign anyway? Yeah, I’m sure it is, but still, I called Thursday and I should’ve been called back by now. Tom says there’s a chance she may not have worked on Friday, but nonetheless, I’m gonna make it clear in my message that when I leave a message, I want to be called back. Also, I want to know what the test results were (in her words) and find out what the next step is if there is a next step. This isn’t over till I say it is!

I’ve got to take charge of my own life and of my own body. If I don’t, God will just keep taking and taking and controlling and controlling. I’m not gonna be God’s little victim. His character that he uses in a script that he wrote out. Fuck that shit! He gave me this life and this body and now it’s mine! All mine.

Tom put in Plexiglas strips around the sides of the floors in the rat’s cage, but plenty of sawdust still seeped out and made quite a mess. So, I took the floors out and was gonna have him make wire floors so that their shit would fall down through to the bass, which is like a huge litter box, but then I got an even better idea which I set about doing. I love it and so do the rats. Tom thinks it’s cool, too. Instead of having the shelves make complete floors for them to piss and shit all over if they’re bare, knock sawdust out if I put any in, and be hard for me to clean, either way, I put shelves in, but not from one wall to another making a floor. I made steps instead, and this way, the shelves are easier to pop out and clean. This is so much better! They make much less of a mess, it’s easier to clean, and that’s less sawdust I have to deal with and vacuum up.

This cold, which is practically all gone now, turned out to be the easiest cold I ever had. I had a sugar craving just like Tom did with his and ate like a pig for two days. I had two candy bars and lots of little donuts. Can’t believe I’m not over 111 pounds.

We got our digital camera a few days ago and it’s great! I love it! It’s easy to use, too. Tom showed me how to shoot pictures, then transfer them to the computer and into the folder I want them in. I took some doll pictures, and sometime soon I’ll take some animal pictures and some of us. That way Tammy and the girls can see the weight I’ve lost and how long my hair is!

Tom and I laughed together over my idea for the freeloaders. I thought I’d shoot some pictures of their house, then superimpose a mouse or something to make it look like they have a giant rat on their roof and a giant mouse on their porch. Something like that. I tried to shoot pictures through the blinds today of the bitch and her sister, but all I got were the blinds since it focuses on what’s closest. Still, a picture of one of them ought to really creep them out! I’ll have to learn to manually focus it. A shot of Bill’s car and the house would be lovely for them to have, too.

I guess tomorrow it’s back to the usual weekday routine for the freeloaders. Today, the cock came in at around 2:00 to watch a football game. I heard two door slams while I was in the bathroom. One for the teenage boy? Anyway, it was here till 5:00. While the cock was here, the sister in the white car was out front fighting with the bitch. At least it looked like the bitch was arguing with her and mad about someone. She was born mad, I swear! They were standing by the car, which was parked on the street since the cock had the driveway. Part of it, anyway. The sister was holding a baby and then I saw the bitch’s mistake and some other kid about that same size. They’re so fucking weird, cuz at one point, the sister started walking down the street and the bitch was kneeling down doing something to the ground, but I couldn’t make out what the fuck it was. Amazingly, there were no ball games today.

It looks like Kim got her computer back together again. She sent me a few messages. One updating me on her life, then a couple with jokes. It sounds like her life is typical. She’s just living with Walter in Northampton, instead of alone in Deerfield.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 9, 1999 Got quite a bit of updating to do. For starters, the freeloaders have been doing exactly what I knew they’d do, but at least we haven’t had setbacks with the music. Or with the bass, I should say.

The bitch got back at 6 PM on the 7th, which turned out to be a miserable day for me, but I’ll get into that later. Anyway, it looks like Bill went with the cock and bitch to the Midwest. I assume Bill went too, cuz I never saw him checking on the house while the bitch was gone, and what’s the bitch doing - leaving her father alone every Christmas? Somehow, I don’t think so. I think the three of them went to the airport in the cock’s car. When they returned, I think the cock dropped Bill off, then its bitch. There wasn’t much in the way of door-slamming that night, and the cock didn’t stay long. After a long flight, I’m sure the cock was sick of its bitch and of its mistake, and just wanted to get the hell home. I saw the cock pull a large duffel bag from the trunk, and that’s about it. Just a few door slams. The cock wasn’t even here for an hour.

Meanwhile, the bitch has been making up for lost time as far as company and door slamming goes and has begun the payback for the roofing noise. I knew she would. Like I said, I know these freeloaders. I can anticipate just about their every move.

The bitch didn’t work yesterday, but it went out with Bill at 2:00. Probably to do some grocery shopping. At 4:00, the cock was in and out, and at 5:00 Bill brought the bitch back. At 6:15, part of the payback began. For about five minutes, I heard really loud voices. Yeah, the bitch had to make a big fucking production out of the light blue car’s picking her up. All I could make out, though, was “I’ll get you something at Wal-Mart.” Anyway, I heard about two kids and two adults. There were at least ten door slams. If these people were normal in any sense of the word, her ride would pull up and maybe honk if she weren’t looking for her ride or standing out front, then there’d be just two door slams. One for her and one for her mistake, and that’s it, but no. She’s gotta make a big show of it in regard to me.

I could’ve sworn I heard two door slams when the cock came and went while she was out on Friday with Bill, and I think I know who that other dude is that he sometimes comes over with. I think it’s that teenage boy I spoke to when I’d had my fill with the dog sitting outside my bedroom barking. I think that her lease allows that house only to her and her kid and that both he and this kid got kicked out. I think the kid moved in with the cock. Well, where is its mother? In jail? Too doped up to give a shit? Or was she killed by an enemy or fellow gang member?

Anyway, the way I know the bitch went out last night when that car came in at 6:15, is cuz there were no lights on inside the house. She had to have gotten back after I crashed, though.

The biggest thing I figured the bitch would sic on me for the roofing noise would be ball games. More so than voices and door slamming. She’d really love to sic the bass on me, but she can’t, cuz she knows she’ll get evicted if she does. Well, I was right about the ball games. I just knew there would be ball games this weekend, next weekend at the latest, but it didn’t go on for hours and hours like I thought it would.

Today, the light blue car came and went and came again a few minutes later. Then a black boy in a dark green sports shirt about 12 years of age came out to play ball, but only for a few minutes. The fan in the bedroom and the air cleaner in the living room, do a great job at drowning this out, so since we haven’t got much time left here (I hope) I don’t give a fuck if they play ball every day from here on out. I’ve got fans and I’ve got cordless headphones for music and even for the TV if I just had to watch something while they were out balling around. And I’ll bet you anything that that bitch coaxed him into playing, too.

So then after a few minutes of him slam-dunking, out comes two black ladies putting shit in the trunk. I saw a bright blue stroller, and what looked like party bags being put in the trunk. The back seat looked like it was loaded with 2-4 kids. I couldn’t tell for sure who the hell these girls were. One had braids and that might’ve been the bitch. After all, she needed a change of style and had had her old style for way too long. The other had nice hair for being black. They usually have lamb’s wool for hair. It was loose, kind of one length, and about an inch or two below the shoulders. She wore a dull-colored outfit, though. A long-sleeved olive blouse, and was it dull orange/yellow pants? Or jeans? Someone had jeans on. Anyway, they were both around the same height and weight and I think it was the bitch and its sister.

So, they take off and it’s about noon. At 5:30, just as the sun was setting, it was back. And so was the dark green sports shirt and its basketball. It played for about 20 minutes, then bye-bye went the car and the dark green sports shirt and its basketball. Some would say I should’ve sabotaged the damn hoop while they were gone, but it wouldn’t have done me any good. If a giant hole opened up in the ground and swallowed that thing right up, they’d just replace it. And if not, they’d just dribble the ball in the driveway to get at me.

The night is young. It’s only 7:00. Got more company to go for that bitch. I just checked and although it’s not as bright as usual, there is a light on over there, so I think the bitch is home and that any more company will go inside the house to see her there. And I’d think it’s too dark to be playing any more ball today.

I’m sure tomorrow will be a repeat of today. Cars in and out, door slams on and off, and 2-3 spurts of ball playing. God help them if they ever even think of returning to basing me out!

I have much more to write about, but I’ve got a little cold that I came down with on the 7th, thanks to Tom and his constant colds, so I’ll do it later. This has been an easy cold, though. I’m not nearly as bad off as I got last year when I had a cold.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 7, 1999 Right again, as usual. I did get my full flow today. However, it’s so wimpy! Nothing hits the pad. It’s just what I wipe off. On the bright side, what I wiped off was too much to be pregnant with, but I’m really wondering more and more about a hormone imbalance or early menopause. So I left a message with the doctor about this. I was told she’d call me at the end of the day. Fine. Maybe she can tell me about the tests I took while we’re at it.

Once again, I am totally, totally sterile! No fertile woman should’ve gotten her period when I did if she had sex just two days prior to being mid-cycle, but you know me. Nowadays I see it as a gift. Not a curse. I just wish God would’ve left the choice to me! Yeah, but while that’s easy to say, we know damn well I’d have made the wrong choice in the past had it been mine to make, and today I’d be lifelessly sitting around regretting it. I just wish the doctor would call and tell me there were no choices to be made, cuz my uterus is that fucked up, cuz that’d just make this whole thing so much easier. Just tell me what I know isn’t meant to be so I can move on in life! No more excruciating tests for nothing! I’m not meant to have any say in this matter, and my days of struggling for what’s not meant to be are over. I’m going with the flow of God’s plan for me, like it or not, and that’s that.

Later…

Tom installed a new modem on my computer that’s faster for when I’m on AOL or the web or something like that. It’s not lightning fast, since phone wires can only transmit information through them so fast, but it is faster than what I had before.

It’s also supposed to have caller ID and when someone calls, the number’s supposed to show up on the monitor, but I haven’t gotten any calls in which to test it out yet. Of all these fucking sales calls we get, none has called yet since I’ve been awake and functional.

Tom’s taking his mom to an appointment today.

Tom doesn’t think Mom will make it throughout the year. Well, I hope he’s right and I’m wrong, cuz regardless of how nice she is compared to most people, she needs to go. She’s done her time here on this earth, there’s nothing more she can do or live for except to burden others, so she needs to pass on and we need to move on. I know God’s gonna really get me for this by making sure no one’s around to take care of me and help me out when I get old, but I already knew he’d do this to me no matter what I felt about his mother. I’m just sick of her and her needs. They may have lessened greatly since she sold that fucking house, but still, she needs to go, and God help Mary and Dave or someone else if they think Tom will then wait on them left and right after she’s gone.

Andy, for whatever reason, isn’t able to come over anytime in the near future to get that extra comforter I have for him, his notes, and to see the place. He’s gonna be busy doing temp work for the next two weeks, so maybe he’ll come over then. Or maybe he just doesn’t feel like it or trust his junky car. He did mention only driving when necessary. So, I’m gonna mail him the notes.

He left a message yesterday saying he was sorry the phone appointments didn’t work out. Donna was bummed too. I knew it was too good to be true; simply making appointments all day and getting $10 a pop, but that’s OK, cuz as I told Andy and Donna, the work was dull and I’d rather make dolls and do something more uppity, even if it’s for shit money. Although, if it had worked out, I’d have done it for a while anyway. Meanwhile, Donna’s gonna pick up the papers she gave me some time over the next few days.

Andy says his friend Juliet’s coming in from California. The one I met back east a couple of times. We all went to the beach together once, and she was with us at one of the bars. Anyway, he mentioned coming over for a visit with her this weekend. He just doesn’t listen or get it when I tell him I’m tied up on weekends! So, I simply told him I’d be busy, which is true, and that she’s his friend. I still don’t want to get into buddy sharing with him, although Donna’s an easygoing enough person to have done business with.

He says he does not want to give up Phoenix but he has to cuz he wants love. Andy, you are not gonna give up Phoenix for nothing and nobody! You know it. I know it. So end it. You’re not destined for a relationship, and if you were, you still couldn’t have one cuz you’re too damn selfish to have a successful one.

Today, the collies are doing a fine job of making up for lost barking time.

Later…

Wow. If you ask me, these teeth are moving really fast. They’re not overlapping anymore, on the bottom, and there are only three teeth that are out of place.

I hope Tom gets home soon. He needs to work tonight, so he can’t be out catering to Marjorie all day. Maybe he’ll give her the last remaining bits of his cold and she’ll die now.

Later…

Oh, how I hate that woman!!! I’m soooooo fucking pissed off right now, I can barely type! Marjorie, drop dead you fucking asshole! Drop dead! I need my husband right now. I’m depressed and I really need to talk to him now, but no! He has to be catering to you. Well, who’s fucking husband is he, Marge? Gee, I thought he was my husband! God, I hate you, you fucking burden! I’m sick of you interfering with this relationship. I’m sick of you taking my husband’s time when I need him. I’m sick of you causing him to lose sleep, to lose more of his valuable time, his life, and I’m sick of you!! God, why won’t you kill this woman, NOW!!! I could scream, I’m so fucking furious and fed up with this user!

That depression’s really turning into anger and frustration pretty fast, that’s for damn sure. Still, I need my husband. I need to talk to him and vent these emotions. It won’t change a damn thing, but it helps perk me up. It’s like an alcoholic who drinks when she’s upset. It doesn’t fix her problem, and maybe nothing can, but it helps to temporarily make her feel better so she can cope and get through the tough times.

I don’t know why I’m so depressed today. I haven’t been this depressed in a long time. It feels just like old times, and this is scary. Is this gonna be a rare thing? Or am I gonna go back to being depressed over being controlled by God on a regular basis? I thought having periods was supposed to take away depression. Anyway, no, I don’t want a kid, but I still feel depressed, confused, angry, frustrated, and cursed at the way God’s dictated my life for me in so many more ways than is the norm. I don’t have a full bag of rights as a woman, I never will, and that still pisses me off and saddens me, whether I want a kid or not. How can God do this to a woman, and why me? What did I do that was so horrible that I deserve this? Why? Why?! Why me? He gave this body to me, so why can’t I use it the way I want to? He gave this life to me, so why can’t I do what I want with it? Well, the truth is my body and life don’t fully belong to me and they never will, so when the fuck am I gonna just get over it and on with my life? I mean, I did such a good job of it last year. I came to accept myself as I am and I was content to live life as I am, half-woman and all. I came to see how wonderful things would be without a child. I still see how wonderful they’ll be, but when am I gonna get over not having a say in the matter and get over the depression and the feeling like God’s picking on me?

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 6, 1999 At 10:00 I’m gonna call Donna. I called Tom at work and asked him if he wanted me to have Donna come over when he’s home so he can be there too to hear what she has to say, but he said no. He trusts my judgment. Just be careful of what I get into. Of course.

Although I only had a little spot on the 4th, and one on the 5th, and today, I think my period’s getting ready to start. It may be a half-assed one, but I think that by tomorrow I’ll have enough of a period to drain the soreness from my chest. Thank God!

I’m pretty bloated right now and I guess you could say I’m watery too. I didn’t go over 1000 calories yesterday, yet today I’m up to 111 pounds.

I don’t know how long I’ll give the doctor to contact me before I contact her, but we’ll see. I don’t know why I even bother. I know what I want. I know what’s meant to be, so why put myself through more hell? I got my questions answered, as far as I’m concerned. I have a bum uterus. Time to move on. Time to follow God’s plans for me. Just like I have all along, and just like everyone else in this world does.

If there was just one more thing, I’d change about this new rat cage, I’d take out those solid plastic floors and put wire floors in. That way the duties would fall to the bottom, and I wouldn’t have to worry about sawdust. We may as well take these Plexiglas strips out Tom wasted his time and money putting in, cuz they’re still making a mess, kicking sawdust out all over the place. I think an all-wire cage would look better, too.

It fucking figures that my shows didn’t get taped last night. That’s another common VCR problem I’ve had - it doesn’t record anything. Why do electronic things only work half of the time for me? Anyway, I’m not gonna play VCR hit or miss. If I’m up on Tuesdays between 7:00-9:00 PM I’ll watch the shows live if they’re on.

Later…

Tom was right, and so were my vibes. It’s not that this thing of Donna’s is illegal or anything complicated. It’s that it doesn’t get me anywhere. As Tom and I figured, I can’t get appointments set up cuz either the person who handles that is out, or they’re just not interested. The work is also pretty boring. I rather make dolls, even if it’s not good money! But I said I’d try it out and I did. It would’ve been an OK job to do if it could be done, though, and Donna would’ve been a nice person to do business with, but oh well. You can’t make something work that’s not meant to be. I hope Andy won’t let this influence his decision to ever make appointments for her, cuz what may not work out for one person, may work out for another.

Tom got our new digital camera! He says it’s not gonna be a complicated deal to use and that it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out. All I want to do is take pictures, put them on the computer where I want them, and that’s basically it.

Later…

The white car just pulled out from next door. I never even heard it pull in in the first place. Guess the bitch will be back anytime now. Tom says the storms have let up.

Fucking cat. He’s so fucking weird! He won’t come in and eat unless someone’s in here with him, and you practically have to invite him over to his bowl. If you just open the door and walk away, he sometimes just sits there and whines, rather than eats. If you let him in, then go right outside yourself, he’ll just stay at the door whining. He can’t even walk by himself to his fucking bowl and eat! Why do I always attract such weird cases? At least he’s not into things and being all destructive like Shadow was.

Now here’s something totally shocking, that I didn’t sense, and that’s absolutely wonderful. I haven’t heard the collies. I noticed how quiet they were yesterday. So yesterday and today I haven’t heard them. Are they there? Are they just being unusually quiet? Or did someone finally get fed up and kill them? If someone killed them, they’d be over here blaming me, so I doubt that. Maybe someone took legal action against all the barking, though, but I don’t know. It’s been great. I love being able to go out back and not have to listen to their deafening barking bounce off of those block walls. The dogs would sound like they were just over the wall in the freeloader’s yard when they’d go off, and any dog barking in the freeloader’s yard is like, oh my fucking God! It’s like it’s right in front of your face. It’s too soon to say for sure what the scoop is, but if they’re gone, I hope it’s at least till we’re out of here! I hope they don’t come back. Or two new dogs to replace them.

I wish to hell I wouldn’t have to have such long drawn-out PMS like this! Why do I have to spot for a handful of days first? Can’t I just get my period normally and be done with it? This is two extra days of the backaches, the water, the bloating, and the pre-cramps.

Initially, I was gonna wait till February to call the doctor if I hadn’t heard from her, and I asked Tom if he thought that’d be too long. He said he felt it’d be too long and suggested the end of January. Maybe I’ll shoot for Lisa’s birthday, which is the 20th. Although, what can she tell me? She can only tell me what I already know. Even if they could fix me, and even if I were willing to pay the price to be fixed, and even if I could handle the fixing, went back to wanting a kid, and was made so I could conceive, then did conceive, God would only make me miscarry that child, so what’s the point? He’s not gonna allow me to get into anything I can’t handle or that isn’t a part of his plan for me.

Later…

They’re there. Yeah, I knew the absence of the collies was too good to be true. They were just having a quiet spell. As soon as I heard the school bus, I ran out back knowing that the kids usually set the dogs off when they go down the back alley. Sure enough, they went off.

I didn’t sense the dogs leaving like I would normally sense something like that. If there had been any money to make with this appointment-making thing, I’d have sensed that too. I do sense I’ll have my period by tomorrow. Thank God!

Tom also got me a faster modem, which God knows I could use.

Later…

Now that was weird. I happened to have stepped up to the window in time to see the white car come in. Not the typical white car, but one with blond hair in it. I knew it was the lady from the red pickup right away. Whoever the driver was stayed in the car the whole time cuz I’d hear her talk to the driver as she passed by him. She got out of the car, walked through the carport to the back gate, then apparently had trouble opening it. She walked up the carport, said something to the driver I couldn’t hear, then went and got a chair off the front porch and brought it back to the back gate. She stood up on that to open it and was in the back for about two minutes. She came back out and brought the chair back to the front, said something inaudible as she passed the driver, and got in the car and left. Why would this bitch need two people checking the house? She must be really fucking paranoid!

Later…

Tom just got up with a duty belly and told me his opinion on the freeloaders. He thinks that due to her and her cock being stranded, the white car’s probably showing up daily just to see if she’s back yet, and the blond lady’s probably from the church and came to pull her mail in so it wouldn’t jam up in the slot. Tom said it’s not uncommon to have different locks for your front and back doors, so she probably only has a key to the back door. He said the two minutes fit. That’s about how long it’d take to open the back sliding door and put the mail on a counter or something like that.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 5, 1999 Still no jury dismissal notice. I hope they know I’m not going. I don’t do courts. Period. And if I ever do step foot into a courthouse again, it’s gonna be to sue someone for a rather large sum of money. Of course, I hope to hell neither of us is ever fucked over that bad that we’d need to sue like that, cuz usually, that’s why you sue for a large amount of money.

I added more icons to my desktop. For quite a while, I had just one vertical row of icons, but now I have two and a half. I put more things on there that I frequently use.

I woke up two days ago at 108 pounds, yesterday at 109 pounds, and today at 110 pounds. Gotta watch it, I guess.

All I had so far was that little spot yesterday. Am I gonna be a few days late or a week late? So far, I’ve never been more than a week late, except for that time in ‘96 when I spotted for two weeks before getting my period two weeks late. You never know with my screwy periods. I could end up skipping regularly! That’d be nice. Still, maybe my hormones are a little screwy and maybe I am going to have early menopause. I haven’t had as many pre-cramps today, but I sure did yesterday! I could swear my period was starting at times.

As I knew it would, my last vibrator broke. Why are these things so undependable? I don’t think that’s really the case, though. I think I’m just as hexed with these things as I am with other things. When it comes to sexual-related stuff, I’m always hexed. This is the third vibrator that didn’t last very long, but hey, nothing good sexually ever lasts for long when it comes to me if it even comes to me in the first place. I doubt I’ll ever get vibrators again, but if I do, I’m gonna get about four at once and not two since they’re just gonna break on me so soon. Everything breaks on me sooner than it should!

The CD club that Tom and I have used several different times over the years now claims you don’t have to send in monthly selection cards anymore, which was a hassle. You now only send in forms when you want something. I’m sure there’s a catch and I’m sure they’re gonna get pushy and send CDs we didn’t even order to try to push more sales, but we’re gonna go for it anyway. You get to start off with 15 free CDs! You only pay shipping and handling and 40% of the cost of one CD.

Linda has a new album out and I didn’t even know it. Andy didn’t tell me either, so I guess both of us aren’t keeping up with these things as much these days. It’s called We Ran. I hope it’s not as bad as her last English album which had all shitty songs on it. Her second to last Spanish one sucked too, that I didn’t even get her last Spanish one.

Linda’s smartening up as far as her weight goes. Since she’s too fat to really look good on an album cover, she just shows her eyes on this one. So does Gloria on her last one. Gloria still looks much better than Linda. Gloria’s about 120-135 pounds and she’s about 40 years old. Linda’s 50 years old and weighs around 180 pounds.

Tom and I did some errands yesterday. We went to Petco and got green sawdust for the mice (I use white for the rats and pig), alfalfa, food, nibble sticks, another bottle and holder (although it turns out I didn’t need the fucking holder!) and that’s it, cuz they didn’t have the bigger balls. We’ll get one some other time.

Then we went to the bookstore where I got eleven books for $14. I looked more in the movie section, but they were just too predictable. I did get The Guardian, though. The one Norah was in and that I think she looked the best in. Also, one of them is a good book, but it turns out that I already read it.

Lastly, we went to Walgreens where we got a variety of stuff. He got some junk food and some orange juice for his cold. He says it helps him to feel better if he drinks juice. He got some cold stuff, too. We got me that chromium picolinate, which Tom says he read that anyone with diabetes in their family should take. Yeah, leave it to Dureen to still affect me from across the country! He read that they’re still not sure whether or not it controls appetites and causes weight loss. I think it helps with hunger, but it doesn’t help with losing weight.

Got a couple more nail kits. The same design as before - red with black, white-tipped swirls.

Got a steamer too, and it helped to get Patrice’s wrinkles out better than I thought it would. It’s a good thing to have. Especially if you’re a doll collector.

Got some pistachio nuts that I shared with the animals, some filters for the water filter, and other odds and ends.

Later…

I saw the white car with the rack on its trunk next door yesterday at 5:30. However, once again, it’s a ghost town over there. Bill isn’t there, and I haven’t heard any car doors. She could be still in the house since it’s still only just after 10:00, but I get an empty feeling from over there. Well, we’ll see what happens, but I don’t sense she’s moving, and there’s no blasting music coming from over there which would be a moving sign. Unless they were to remain dependent on the city and move from one subsidized house to another, which I can’t see happening, she’s not gonna obey the city’s shut-up commands if she were suddenly detached from them.

The collies have been quieter since the freeloaders have split.

Later…

It looks like one of my guesses about the bitch may be right. I felt she either went to L.A. or Chicago. Well, I think she did go somewhere in the Midwest. And if she did, that’d explain why she’s not back yet. She can’t get back with all the ice storms they’ve been having. The white car only came to check on the house. No wonder there wasn’t a ton of door slamming and no wonder the car wasn’t here long.

Someone with the last name M had to have had this number at one point. You know how we used to get a lot of calls for a Carol M? Well, one just came in looking for a Michelle Marie M in regard to her high school reunion.

Later…

I just talked to Andy and Donna about a potential job for me that’s at home and that’s under the table. Well, supposedly all I have to do is call businesses and try to set up appointments for her to meet with them to sell them legal services and I’d get $10 an appointment. It sounds too easy, though. There’s got to be a catch. I mean, wouldn’t most of these businesses say they weren’t interested, or that they already had services? Anyway, Donna gave me her number and I’ll call her tomorrow either way. I won’t leave her hanging. I’ll give her a yes or a no. If I give her a yes, and I very well might, she’ll be coming over here to give me the list of businesses to call since she has a car, and since Tom will be gone when I get up. She’s gonna have her 2½-year-old with her and that thing’s not coming into this non-baby-proof house to break my dolls and more. They are way too destructive at that age, so she agreed to meet outside the house with me. Anyway, I won’t write anymore about it till I find out more.

Later…

The same white car just pulled in and left shortly after. The sun’s setting now, and once it gets dark I’ll be able to tell if the bitch is over there by if there are lights on, but I doubt it. These trips with the white car have just been way too quiet. Whenever the bitch gets picked up or dropped off, there’s a whole slew of door-slamming, but not this time. No unpacking sounds. I haven’t seen anyone or heard any voices, and that bitch has a loudmouth. This car is quietly coming and going with just one door slam. Guess it’s just one person. There’s been no music, so she’s not moving. Thank God. I never thought I’d want her to stick around this bad!

MONDAY, JANUARY 4, 1999 Destiny has arrived. Yup, still as sterile as a doorknob and still as psychic as can be in that department. Thank fucking God! Of course, I can’t just get my period normally. I have to spot 3-4 days before getting a half-assed flow.

Tom got in about an hour ago and he just went to bed. I’m gonna get him up at 10:30, then we’re gonna go to Walgreens, Petco, and the bookstore.

Later…

I was just checking out my teeth in the mirror and could see what I felt last night. When the teeth move, you suddenly notice it. You’ll feel them with your tongue day after day, and then just suddenly, you’ll notice a difference. Well, last night I noticed another area in the bottom teeth that’s shifted. Of all the bottom teeth that are crooked, there are only five. Three of these five teeth are close to where they’re supposed to be and at this rate, it’s hard to believe it’ll take a whole year, now ten more months, to straighten these teeth. Maybe the next time I see Melanie on February 1st, she can give me more of an accurate time frame as to when the top braces will come off.

Tom says there are sick people where he works, but just like with his last cold, I’m wondering about Shiny. He sneezed a couple of times a few days ago and I promised to kick him right out of the house if he sneezed again, but he didn’t. Could he be giving Tom colds? I don’t know. It seems inevitable that Tom gets so many colds regardless of whether we have a cat or not. He sneezed again today, but only once.

Where are these freeloaders? I cannot believe this bitch isn’t back yet! If she’s back, she came in after I went to bed. Well, we’ll see if Bill shows up, but I have an empty feeling coming from over there. It’s been great not having to listen to the door slamming that goes on over there every day, but shouldn’t this bitch be back by now? I never thought I’d be getting antsy for this bitch to return! We need to be the ones to move first and I need to make her a certain delivery!

Anyway, I’d say that bitch definitely went with its cock to its cock’s parents’ house. It’s obvious that the bitch’s mother is dead, and that the cock’s parents are out of state. Bill’s the only parent figure I see visiting. If the bitch’s mom existed, even if it existed out of state, wouldn’t we see it come to visit from time to time? The cock’s parents probably couldn’t afford to come visit when it lived here, so that’s why he and its bitch went to them. I don’t know if the cock’s parents are really old, married, or what, but they’re in someplace like L.A. or Chicago. Another way I can tell she’s with the cock, is because if she had taken off herself, the cock would be coming over here daily to check on the house, do its laundry, etc.

Today’s the day we find out what our stock options are. Tom says it won’t be till the middle of the month before he’ll be more sure about us moving in June, or unsure. I don’t have a good vibe about this, nor do I have a bad one. I still think we’ll move in June. Definitely between June and August. I just hope those freeloaders are here to see us do it!

We found the reason why Shiny’s been limping. We thought it was some sort of arthritis at first, but it appears his claws are fucked up. One of his back paws has claws overlapping.

I threw the old foam mattress out back and rolled it up making a sort of a muff. He really likes to nestle in it during those cold nights and early mornings.

Later…

Andy left a message saying he got my “nasty” letter, which was well written, and he wasn’t mad over it. He selfishly admits, though, that that’s great that he can eat on the phone with me and that I accept him as he is because as I myself said, he’s gonna do the opposite of what people ask of him, anyway.

So in other words, what he’s saying is - don’t ask me A cuz I’ll just do B. That’s how he’s always been! I do accept him as he is and I don’t want him to feel like I’m trying to control or change him, but I still think that people should comply with the wishes of their loved ones as long as they’re not too much or unrealistic. If they’re simple little requests that were asked of them and not demanded of them, what’s wrong with compromising? Andy can’t even do that, but we all have our selfish points. Still, if he wants a successful relationship, he’s gonna have to learn to compromise.

Anyway, he says he wasn’t even eating when he left that last message to me. He was chewing on his nails. Whatever. He also says that eating on the phone is a regular habit of his. Well, to each their own, but how does he enjoy his food that way, and how does he not choke? Also, if he’s so hung up on youth and thinness, especially thinness, why does he eat like a pig?

I sent him another letter as a little compensation for the last one. This one’s more of our old kind of letters without the lectures. I enclosed a few notes too, from the bunch I made up for him for whenever the fuck I see him, and put some pictures on the back of the envelope, but he’s too stoned to really want to do much of anything, although he did say something about helping out his friend Donna at a company she works at. Something about making appointments. I’ll have to ask him more about it. He didn’t really get into it.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 3, 1999 Another day off from the sales calls, then I’ll have six days of them calling constantly.

I went to bed at around 6:00 last night and from what Tom’s said, who stood up a little later, the freeloaders still aren’t back yet. They’ll be back today then. Thank God they waited till Sunday. I was hoping they’d come back today and not yesterday or the day before. So, lots of door-slamming today! Not only are they gonna slam doors as they usually do, but they’re gonna slam them a little harder than normal, so they can really let me know they’re back.

I was really watery yesterday and took a water pill. I woke up at 108 pounds.

Later…

Today we put the 2” high strips of Plexiglas around the base of each floor in the rat’s cage. This should help keep sawdust in better than it would’ve otherwise. It was really gross how they’d piss on the bare floors before. They need something to absorb their piss.

Tom said Evie lost a lot of weight. That’s not what she told me when we last talked, but good for her.

Yesterday, there were some weekend bangers, but nothing too bad. I saw the little girl in the rental, along with some teenage girl, roller-skating down the street and in their driveway. Tom said he saw many people out and about yesterday as he was coming home. It was a beautiful day. A beautiful and polluted day.

I still can’t believe that any kids at the rental haven’t waltzed on over to play ball at the freeloader’s. It’s obvious they aren’t home, but kids don’t need someone to not be home in order to just go play on their property. Even more so, I can’t believe the collie kids haven’t played in months. Where are they, anyway? Those kids are wild. I usually hear them out front or out back, but not lately.

We had sex earlier. It was predictable and typical. Of course, it didn’t help that he’s got another one of his fucking colds. I’m sorry he doesn’t feel well, but God, I’m so fucking sick of these colds of his! Every 3-4 fucking months! He said it’s because he works with people who go to work sick, which people don’t normally do. Yeah, leave it to me to have my husband working with a bunch of freaks. Well, can’t someone talk to these people? They should make it a general rule that if you’re sick, you should stay home. You’re not only risking making the people you work with sick, but you’re risking making their families sick too, but that’s our selfish society for you. So now I have to deal with his cold too, and have our lives put on hold for the millionth time. Either someone needs something, something needs fixing, or he’s sick. God, it gets old! I haven’t had a cold since last January, so I’m hoping that I get as lucky as I was with his last few colds and don’t get this one. I’m not the one here, though, with an immune system as weak as a child’s or an old person's. I used to be that way, but what is this? Now that I get over my catching one cold after another, I have to live with someone who does just that?

I prayed to God twice to help take away this constant anger I have almost every day. I could be doing whatever, then suddenly, I want to kill Larry or Bill or someone. The last thing I want is to be angry at these subhuman losers for the rest of my life. They’re in my past now, and I want the anger to be a part of the past, too. God, life isn’t fair! I mean, I know these people aren’t going through this. They don’t have me suddenly pop in their heads and get so angry that it eats at them. Why me? Why is it always me? If it isn’t, I sure feel like it is. Since I have to give in order to get, I tried bargaining with God and agreed to accept the fact that these people invade my dreams constantly, if he’d just curb my constant anger.

Two nights ago I prayed to God to show me in my dreams a sign as to whether or not Measles was alive, and if there’s any way possible, that I don’t see or sense, that I could be wrong about being destined to remain childless, like it or not. This stemmed from my asking for his guidance once again, as far as the sterility issue is concerned. I told him that I still don’t want a child, accept his decision to keep me childless, and will do the right thing and not fight him should I ever find myself wanting a child again someday. However, is there a chance I could be wrong about God’s intentions? I don’t see how I could be wrong any more than I see Tom killing 20 people, but I asked for a baby-related dream if I were wrong. I also asked for a dream with Measles in it if she were still alive.

That night I had no dreams pertaining to these things. The next night, last night, I did. I did not dream of Measles, but I did have a baby-related dream. It was weird, though. It wasn’t about me or someone else getting pregnant or having a child. It was about me thinking about how I could never handle childbirth. On top of it all, the dream took place in the second house we had in Longmeadow, and guess who was downstairs while I was upstairs in the dream? You got it. Good old Dureen and Arthur.

Upon waking up, I realized that if God was showing me anything at all, he wasn’t showing me a kid is meant to be. He was reminding me of one of the reasons it’s not meant to be. Makes perfect sense to me.

Tom was telling me earlier, after I asked him what he thought, if he thought my trying to be a singer, if I still wanted that, would interfere with our marriage. He agreed it would probably interfere with our married life since I’d still have to perform in a band somewhat full-time. Not that I could get into a band, though! I’m sure if I did, they’d make some excuse later on as to why they had to disband the band. What happened back east - that was certainly God’s way of saying it definitely wasn’t meant to be! The signs were that obvious.

Anyway, if he can agree that my trying to be a singer would get in the way of our relationship, how can he feel that a child wouldn’t? It’d interfere a million times more.

What I wonder is this - God wouldn’t let me be a singer, God wouldn’t let me be a mother, so will he let me be a doll maker? I hope so, although this one’s quite material in nature, and I don’t feel the need/desire to do it as bad as I once did with the other things.

The Crib didn’t go over very well with me, so now I’m trying Life Penalty.

There goes some desperate soul with its bass pounding away.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 2, 1999 Still no freeloaders. Not yet, anyway.

Tom’s working now. You know how they have to work during the daytime on a Saturday at the start of every month, so in he went at 8 AM. He’ll be home around 3:00, then we’re gonna have our cumless weekend screw.

Tom and I were talking earlier about the difference between a resolution, a goal, and a dream. To me, a resolution is something that’s within your control that you hope to change such as quitting smoking, losing weight, or eating better. A goal is something you hope for that’s not unrealistic like hoping to move by June, hoping to get into making/selling dolls. A dream is something you wish for that’s impossible. That’s why they call it a dream when it comes to things like wishing I was tall, and how I used to wish to be a singer and a mom.

My current goal is to be able to have a little more control over my schedule. Maybe not as much control as most have, but still, it’d be nice to be able to keep a schedule most of the time. That way, I’d feel like I had more doors open. I could make plans, for example, to go to Vegas on a particular date that was months away. Now, I can’t do that, cuz I don’t know what the hell my schedule will be months from now. I know, though, that this is just a dream, and I accept it.

Another dream of mine is to be able to sleep with my husband. If he woke me up once or twice a month, that’d be fine, but I wish I could sleep with him most of the time. Again, just a dream, I know it, and I accept it.

My current goals are to move and to get into making/selling dolls.

I don’t really have any resolutions this year. Just to wear my leg weights as often as I can, although I still don’t see how the hell they’re gonna change how my legs look, but I’ll give it six months or so.

I wish I could say that my resolution was to quit eating two bites a day, for the most part, eat normally, and let my middle-aged fat come on, but I’m not ready for that yet. I think forty is a good age to let go and that’s when I probably will. I can’t keep working this hard and dealing with hours and hours of hunger every day for the rest of my life!

Although I’m very watery right now, I ended up waking up at the same thing I woke up at yesterday - 111½. That’s because that hamburger and fries ended up being all I really had. I had some bean soup, a part of a chicken TV dinner, but that was it. I didn’t stuff myself all day.

Later…

I dusted, vacuumed, and changed the mice’s cages. Maybe that’ll help with the tightness I’ve been having. I fucking slaved my ass off, gained weight, and went through hell to quit smoking. Yet half the fucking time, I still feel like I did when I smoked! Thanks, God!

I’m having rotten book luck this time around. Now I’m trying out The Crib and hopefully, it’ll be better.

Will the doctor call me this week? I wonder. And what will happen from here? I know my problem lies within my uterus, I know that guy that did the HSG test played down the severity of my uterus problem, I know I don’t want a kid, I know one’s not meant to be, so am I really that curious to take this any further and see what’ll happen next? Most of me doesn’t think so, but I’m not gonna make any decisions right now.

We were going to go to the store today after he got off work. I need to go to the pet store to get another bottle for the rats and a few other things, but we’re gonna go on Monday instead when it’s less crowded.

Oh, fuck! If there’s anything good about holidays, besides being able to spend more time with Tom, it’s that I get a wonderful break from the fucking non-stop sales calls, but they’re back. Tom said today’s the day they’d start up again, too. Well, he was right. That’s the second call that just came in, so I’m sure there’ll be at least four more.

I ran out of patience with Andy and wrote him a letter expressing my feelings and all that since I’m better with words on paper than I am with words out of my mouth. I know it won’t do me any good. Andy’s a stubborn, selfish person in his own way, who’ll mostly do what he wants to do, but keeping it to myself and holding it in was getting a little tough to do. I basically told him what I’ve said in these journals - that I didn’t think I was making any ridiculous requests or him, nor that many, and how it makes a person think they don’t give a shit when they don’t do what a friend asks of them. Also, I asked these favors from him. I didn’t demand. Once again, if he can’t handle the little things, what about the bigger things? What if we were going away for a week and he was the only one available to feed the animals? Would he really feed them? Or would he just say he would? And of course, I know I can expect him to counter-lecture me and to get all defensive. In the last letter I sent him, he said he was too baked to remember. Why is it that baked or not, I really feel he’ll remember this one since it’ll probably piss him off even if it’s just a little? It’s human nature to remember more of what’s important to us, but I’m starting to wonder if his memory problem is a little more selective than he lets on. He forgets the things he doesn’t care about or care to listen to.

As I told him, though, I wasn’t gonna lecture him in the way that Marla said she did about his staying home and getting baked. If he wants to stay home and get baked, that’s his choice. I’m not gonna tell him how to live his own life. He bitches that he’s such a loser who can’t get ahead in life, yet I never see him really try to move on. Even he admits he doesn’t really try. Therefore, as long as he’s not willing to move on and try his best, he won’t stand a chance of finding a decent job/love and it’ll be his loss. If he does all he can to sober up, get a good job that he keeps, meet better, cleaner people but doesn’t succeed, that’d be different. Then it’d just really not be meant to be for him, but he then would’ve at least tried!

That’s the third sales call. Just three or four more to go!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 1, 1999 Starting my writing early this year! Just backed up my stuff and completed my subindex for 1998. Well, the last two months of 1998, anyway.

Tom had to take Mom to the doctor yesterday cuz her feet swelled up. Actually, I think Mary brought her, but he was at the house doing things. She didn’t have to be admitted to the hospital, so that’s good.

I crashed around 3 PM and had Tom get me up at 9:30. That way I could have a half-hour to have coffee and wake up a bit before watching the ball go down in Times Square for the last time. They’re gonna be making a new ball next year. Tom couldn’t get a station covering Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve, but MTV was there, so we watched that. It was 10º there!

At 11 PM our time, I went back to bed till 3 AM. I was surprised to have slept past midnight our time since people tend to shoot guns and firecrackers off, but all we heard was a few minutes of Mexican music about a block away just before 10:00.

I don’t understand how after shitting twice yesterday, eating around 1000 calories, not eating for twelve hours, how I could wake up just one pound lighter at 111 pounds, but that’s just my barely moving metabolism for you.

I had massive pre-cramping today and yesterday, but still no spots yet.

I’m now reading On My Honor.

I forgot to mention that Pam’s husband died of a bum liver from alcohol abuse. He asked for it if you ask me.

Andy left a message yesterday and said he was sorry he didn’t acknowledge Ma’s being ill before. That’s nice of him. He also said he was only working at Red Lobster this week. Damn! That’s only a few hours of work! How’s he gonna afford his bills and food, let alone his pot? In Marla’s email to me, she said she was lecturing him about getting a job, rather than staying home and getting wasted. Lecturing him won’t do anyone any good. He doesn’t want to work. He wants to stay home and get stoned.

Marla also sent us a New Year’s greeting card, but I’ll let Tom activate this thing. I don’t want to chance fucking things up.

I typed up a New Year’s card for Tom, as I want to finish off the cards Dureen sent. I even typed up Andy’s birthday card already and typed up about four for Bob.

Here are my predictions for 1999.

We will move this year on approximately June 19th.

The braces will come off this year, both top and bottom (he disagrees with this).

Tom will be at BOA throughout the year.

Tom’s mom will live throughout the year (he disagrees with this).

I don’t see much on doll making, which means it either won’t work out or it’s more towards the year 2000 that it’ll happen. Most likely, it’s still too far away to really see into (he disagrees with this).

Tom may be in a car accident but it could be avoided if he pays attention. If it happens, though, God won’t kill him, thank God! He’ll be OK, save for a few bruises. It’ll be more of an annoyance and a hassle, than anything serious.

I see us having an average two-person income (he disagrees with this).

It will remain just the two of us.

I think we will talk to the doctor who’ll tell me that if I’m fixable, it’ll take major surgery that’ll cost many thousands. Many thousands we don’t really have and that’d stall the move for 2-5 years. So, it won’t be a simple case of hormones or something that I’ll magically outgrow like Tom said. I will refuse any major surgery that may fix me since I do not want a child (he disagrees with this).

The sex will be the usual - on the weekends. We’ll have sex about once a week and he’ll cum 3-4 times this year (he disagrees with this).

I’ll be about 100 pounds on my birthday. I may even reach 100 pounds by this summer (he disagrees with this).

As for my 1998 predictions - I got most of them right, as usual.

I was right when I said he’d still be at BOA, we’d still be here, and his ma would live throughout the year, and I was right about the sex being typical. He came less than I thought he would, though. An all-time low of three squirts for 1998. I sure was wrong about the blacks moving in 1998, but at this point, that’s great. Speaking of them, are they coming back today?

Later…

Tom and I treated ourselves to Jack-n-the-Box. Once again, the hunger was so intense that I just didn’t give a fuck about the weight I’d gain over it. Yeah, I’m pretty watery now too, and am gonna try that chromium picolinate again. It helped curb my hunger before. Now that I have a good diet plan, I’ll see if this will help me stick to it.

New Year’s Day has been a pleasant one, save for a few of society’s desperate using their stereos to cry out their loneliness and ring in the New Year with a little notoriety from the city.

Tom got the rats’ cage up on wheels and man is it tall! It’s just a couple of inches shorter than Tom who’s 5’ 10”. I popped out the shelves, which make up the second, third, and fourth floor, so I could wash them. They were really crapped up with duties and piss! Tom’s gonna put a little Plexiglas around the sides of the shelves and create enough of a base to put sawdust in without them kicking it out. For now, I’ve got them out and they’re all down in the bass on the first floor. It’s plenty big enough even for four rats. I was able to entwine one of the wheels in the side and I stabilized it with bag ties. The bass of the wheel went in between the wires. The other wheel is in the bass along with their burrow and nest, but no one ever really wheels anymore. We’re gonna go out tomorrow to get another water bottle for the top level, and one of those big balls I saw.

I kind of renamed Cutie to Butterscotch with his coloring. He also has one cloudy eye like Piggy did before he died. Is this contagious? Are they all gonna die? God, I hope not! Anyway, Butterscotch doesn’t appear to be in any pain, but we’ll see. Maybe he and the others will be OK.

I asked Tom how he could agree it’ll be just the two of us this year when he’s supposed to believe that what’s wrong with me is minor and that we’ll have a kid. He said because it takes nine months and there are twelve months in a year. Meaning since it’s January, getting fixed and pregnant by March is a wee bit too soon. Well, I hope I’m right about Tom’s subconscious being anti-kid and I hope he’ll always be able to live without one just fine because I absolutely refuse to allow myself to conceive even if God would allow it. I do not want that!

I also don’t want those freeloaders coming back. Not now. It’s too soon. Fortunately, there’s still no sign of them and I hope to hell they come back late on Sunday, but with my luck, they’ll be here prime time tomorrow. Around noon-2:00. If they come back today or tomorrow, though, that would probably mean I’ll have to deal with a three-hour ball game with ten kids participating. I’m gonna have to deal with that shit on MLK Day as it is. I’m sure just about every black ass in the country will make some sort of spectacle of themselves that day. It’s still a miracle that that two-minute ball game those two boys played was all that’s occurred since last - what? April?

Anyway, whenever the hell that bitch does get back, she’ll let me know it. I can only imagine how much door-slamming there’ll be!

Tom’s showing zero desire for sex, but it isn’t the weekend yet.

[beststeamcleaner]

How to Keep a House Clean Every Day of the WeekHow to Keep a House Clean Every Day of the Week

How to Keep a House Clean Every Day of the WeekHow to Keep a House Clean Every Day of the Week

Keeping your home tidy might seem like an impossible task—but it doesn’t have to be. We put together some of the best tips so you and your family can learn how to keep a house clean every day of the week.

The average American spends one hour a day cleaning their house, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Between work, errands, parenthood and the chaos of everyday life, learning how to keep a house clean can be one of the toughest lessons we learn. While it sometimes seems impossible to manage everything on your plate, there are some quick and easy tips to help you get your house (and your life) in order. Read on for everything you need to know about how to keep a house clean.

How to Keep a House Clean Tip #1: Put everything away after use.

This might seem like an obvious tip, but failing to put away your belongings is the main culprit of untidiness. As you move from one room to another, do a quick scan to see if there’s anything that you can take with you. Go out of your way to make sure that anything you wear, use or move ends up where it belongs. It’s easy to leave a pair of shoes near the front door, a few shirts on your bed and some dishes in the sink until tomorrow. Remember, those tiny piles can quickly turn into big messes.

If you’re lacking space, consider some DIY closet organization ideas like tension rods and shower curtain hooks. Use over-the-door organizers to extend existing spaces in your bedrooms, bathrooms and hall closets. Corral your smaller belongings with decorative baskets and organize your paper items with a mail sorter. And remember: it takes much less time to put away your belongings each time than to frantically run around looking for them when you need them again!

How to Keep a House Clean Tip #2: Do one room at a time.

The easiest way to keep your entire house clean is to tackle one room at a time. By splitting up the cleaning by room (and by day), you can accomplish a little bit at a time instead of tackling every task at once.

Here’s how to keep a house clean by focusing on one room at a time:

Bathroom

Source: Callum Mundine, LED World

From toothpaste dribbles and mirror stains to wet floors and shower grime, the bathroom will endure a variety of messes throughout the week. Because we constantly use it each day, it’s easiest to clean up after yourself instead of waiting a few weeks later for a bigger mess.

Areas to focus on for a clean bathroom:

Clean the sink

Scrub the shower, tub and toilet

Remove mirror spots

Mop the floors (don’t forget those corners)

Looking for a natural, easy-to-make cleaner for your home? DIY cleaners are a cost-effective way to keep your house clean.

Try this simple DIY cleaner recipe:

2 cups water

¼ cup baking soda

2 tsp. dishwashing liquid

3 tbsp. white vinegar

10 drops essential oil

After you use the sink or step out of the shower, take your natural cleaner and spray down the surface. Run the water again to wash all the cleaner off. Voilà—you’ve prolonged your time until you have to do a deep clean in your shower! The essential oil will also keep the room smelling fresh for several days. For best results, ask everyone in your household to make this a habit.

Bedroom

The key to keeping bedrooms clean is all about storage. If you have proper places for all of your clothes and accessories, you’re more likely to keep your personal space clean.

If you’ve noticed that you don’t seem to have enough space, invest in storage containers or baskets that can fit under your bed. Having a complete change of linens under your bed also makes it easier to change them while your other set is being washed. Picking the right nightstand helps to keep your room more organized as well. Store your journals, books and magazines in the drawers. If it’s large enough, it can double as a work desk.

To keep your bedroom clean, make a habit of these steps:

Make your bed

Fold blankets and throws

Put away clutter in appropriate locations

Dust desks, nightstands and shelves

Vacuum floor and area rugs

Kitchen

Dishes tend to be the culprit in a messy kitchen. Have family members who like to let dishes “soak?” Simply prepare one side of your sink with water and few drops of dish detergent. Throughout the day, add dishes to the soapy side and it will lift most of the grease and food off of the dishes. By the time you wash the dishes or put them in the dishwasher, they’ll be clean.

The kitchen is a great place to apply the 20-minutes-per-day rule. Spend a few extra minutes cleaning your kitchen after each meal, and you’ll never have to deal with a huge mess in one of the most important rooms in your home.

Focus on these areas when it comes to cleaning your kitchen:

Put away dishes—always have an empty sink!

Clean countertops

Organize your pantry and refrigerator

Sweep and mop the floor

Use steel cleaner for appliances

Living Room

The living room receives some of the most traffic in the house. If you’re not careful, it can easily become littered with an assortment of everyday items. Make sure you place your items where they belong so your living room can leave a great first impression on your family and friends.

Simple steps to regularly take for a clean living room:

Clear the room of any clutter (toys, games, books)

Fluff pillows and fold blankets/throws

Dust mantel, coffee tables and end tables

Vacuum floors and couches (especially if you have pets!)

Storage solutions like these will keep this area of your house clean:

Shoe rack. If your living room is carpeted, the constant foot traffic can wear your carpet down significantly. Make sure you have a place for your family and guests to store their shoes before they tromp dirt and grass through your clean home.

Hidden storage. If you don’t have a home for items like toys, books and games, vertical shelving can help display your things in an organized way. Storage ottomans are also perfect for minimizing clutter and storing things out of sight.

How to Keep a House Clean Tip #3: Stick to a schedule.

It’s one thing to give each room a thorough clean, but how do you make sure your house stays clutter-free every day of the week? Believe it or not, easily: a cleaning schedule. Create a list to keep on your fridge, your wall or your desk to help keep you and your household organized. Your schedule should include not just what needs to be done, but when it needs to be done.

By splitting your small household tasks into daily, weekly and even monthly routines, you can keep your house in perfect shape year round.

How to Keep a House Clean Daily

Most people wait until their house is messy to start cleaning. The trick is to put in a small effort every day to keep your house as tidy as possible. These daily tasks are small but effective reminders of how to keep a house clean.

Six easy ways to go to sleep with a tidy home each night:

Make the bed. The best way to start your day is by making your bed. Simply making your bed each day will have a domino effect, allowing you to keep everything else neat and tidy.

Clean as you cook. As you learn how to keep a house clean, pay close attention to clutter in the kitchen. Throw out scraps and empty packages as you use them. Wash pots and utensils while dinner roasts in the oven. Make sure dishes are put away before sitting down after meals. Cleaning as you go saves time and keeps your kitchen in tip-top shape.

Grab as you go. Make it a mission to minimize clutter by picking up your belongings whenever you leave a room. Bring a pair of shoes with you when you go upstairs, pick up the coffee cup on the counter and take dirty laundry with you on your trip downstairs.

Wipe up messes as they happen. Try not to leave any spills or small messes unattended. Take a few minutes to wipe them up with a damp cloth so you’re not dealing with set-in stains at the end of the week.

Sort the mail. We receive mail every day, and most of that mail turns out to be junk. Instead of letting it pile up in your mailbox or on the counter, sort it the second you walk in the door. Place bills, coupons and personal correspondence in their appropriate places the moment you bring in the mail and recycle junk mail.

Sweep the kitchen floor. The kitchen often sees more traffic than the rest of the house, meaning the floor collects a lot of dirt and debris. Spend a few minutes each day sweeping the floor, and you won’t see dirt being dragged through the house all week long.

How to Keep a House Clean Weekly

Never underestimate the power of a weekly cleaning! No matter how successful you are with the small daily tasks, you’ll still have a few 20-minute tasks to complete once a week.

While a weekly cleaning schedule isn’t necessarily a one-size-fits-all solution, it’s an easy way to carve out one room at a time. As long as you follow a routine that permits you to focus on one major section of your home each day, you’ll never feel overwhelmed. Cleaning your home will practically take care of itself!

Example weekly cleaning schedule:

Monday: Laundry and dusting Tuesday: Bathrooms and vacuuming Wednesday: Living room and mopping Thursday: Bedrooms Friday: Kitchen Saturday: Organizational and miscellaneous tasks

Aside from consistent daily and weekly cleanings, you should also keep monthly and quarterly cleanings in mind. This could include mattresses, lint lines, air filters, blinds and more. By starting with your smaller tasks, you can fill in the gaps with these larger, less frequent tasks.

How to Keep a House Clean Tip #4: Believe in a “power clean.”

Nobody likes to go to sleep knowing their house is a mess. By spending 10-15 minutes on a nightly “power” cleanup, you can prevent piles of clutter from forming in your home.

If you can involve your family members, the more the merrier! Put on a timer, have some fun with it and focus on your top cleaning priorities. Focus on the items that pose the biggest mess (whether it’s your kitchen, kids’ bedroom or foyer) first. Then chip away at the areas that see the most traffic.

Here are some key areas to keep in mind:

Shoes in the entryway

Dishes in the sink

Items on the bathroom counter

Coffee table clutter

Toys on the living room floor

Think you’ve mastered how to keep a house clean?

Figuring out how to keep a house clean may seem like one of life’s many mysteries. With a little time and effort, you can easily create great cleaning habits to keep your nest tidy year round.

How do you keep your house clean? What are some of your most useful tips? Let us know in the comments below!

https://steamcleanerhub.com/how-to-keep-a-house-clean-every-day-of-the-week/

[fisheoctrashdump]

Cecilia 1-20 (with Damon, Nova, and Zeon)

Holiday

Samhain is one of her favorites. She uses that day to honor the dead. Originally, she started celebrating it so she had a day to honor Emily and feel closer to her for a night. She brought Andreas into it when her uncle (his brother) died, and it's something they celebrate together. Jase also celebrates in honor of his aunt. It's not an all day thing, though, considering that day is also Halloween and Tuesday's birthday (I think).

Cooking

Cecilia is a decent cook, having learned a lot from her dad. She doesn't do it often, though. When she does cook, it's normally dinner rather than an earlier meal. Breakfast and lunch consists of junk food and iced coffee unless someone else makes those meals for her :P

Sleeping

She sleeps a lot, but her schedule isn't consistent. She stays up late most of the time, but doesn't have a set time for when she sleeps. Pretty much always, she's awake long past the time her partners fall asleep. She uses this time for different things, such as art and music, but sometimes she uses the time to reflect and cry.

She sleeps in a t shirt and underwear unless she's cold, then she actually puts on some pants and wears a hoodie to bed. She moves in her sleep a lot, but amazingly not enough to bother her partners (well she has with (Jase cause he's such a light sleeper, but it's only happened a few times).

Also, she's like always tired no matter how much or how little sleep she gets.

Driving

For a while, Cecilia had a lot of anxiety at the idea of getting her license. She used the fact that she dropped out of school as her excuse for a while (because she couldn't get her license until she turned 18 if she wasn't in school.) After that, she just avoided the subject. Andreas offered to teach her and promised to be patient, but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

After they get back to earth, Cecilia decides to take driver's ed and learn from an instructor. Not sure how long this takes her, but like

Once she actually gets her license, all the shit she learns goes to the trash folder in her brain. She drives better than Jase does, for sure, but just like. Doesn't pay attention half the time. She's had a lot of near accidents because of this, but luckily she hasn't actually had an accident.

Bathing/showering

She showers with Tuesday like a lot ._. um, but other than that, I imagine the times that she's staying with Jase she uses all the hot water. It's usually not a problem cause Jase showers at night, but like once their kids are thrown in the mix it's like

Damon: MOM I need to shower before school >:(

Cecilia: maybe you should get up earlier, then :)

Until the kids actually do get up earlier and use all of the hot water as revenge.

Hugging

Cecilia is a very casual hugger. She hugs people with one arm or really quickly, usually. Jase (and probably also Tuesday) are way opposite and hug her so much and for so long lol when it comes to her kids, Cecilia saves her hugs for when they're needed.

Kissing

Cecilia is more into kissing than she is hugging. She initiates kissing with her partners a lot, regardless of where they are. She is a great kisser owo

Sex

I did something about this already ;_; but umm hmmm….. yeah I got nothing else to say ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

General physical contact

Cecilia doesn't mind physical contact. She prefers to keep it limited to the people she's really close to (Tuesday, Jase, Andreas, Johnny, and Michael) but if someone she's acquainted with initiates she is usually okay with it.

In gen2 (with her kids) she is more affectionate with Nova and Zeon than with Damon (which will be discussed more later), and she's also very affectionate with Elena and Kat.

Physical appearance

Between gen1 and gen2, cecilia's hair is pretty much always shoulder length. In gen1 she has red and orange hair with a side shave, but in gen2 she has purple hair with just longer bangs.

I imagine Cecilia being one of those people who always looks way younger than they actually are. In gen2 she looks like early thirties even though she's 47. She tells people her oldest kid is 21 and they're like "wtf no way"

Wardrobe

I went super in depth about her wardrobe on her character sheet so lol

In gen2 I don't think it would change a whole lot. At work she probably doesn't wear hoodies as much though, probably both so she can show off her tattoos, and also so the sleeves don't get in the way of her work.

Jewelry

She has a tongue piercing. And umm idk what else. Other than maybe another piercing, Cecilia isn't big on jewelry. She doesn't even really like wearing rings, so she keeps her wedding rings on a necklace chain she tucks it under her shirt.

Nickname

Celie is everyone's nickname for her. Jase likes to call her "Celie-love" and she pretends she doesn't like it lol

Dancing

She doesn't dance.

Singing

She doesn't really sing, either.

Anger

She gets irritated at little things very easily, but she calms down from it pretty quickly. Cecilia doesn't often get really angry, but if she does, she will give the source the silent treatment. Disagreements between her and Tuesday (which are rare) are handled differently, though. And she never takes her anger out on their kids, no matter the circumstances.

Soft spot

Tuesday

Raccoons and possums they're her favorite animals

The moon :)

Johnny and Michael

She doesn't like to talk about it, but when the three of them were younger, Clay was a soft spot for her. She didn't try to defend him from their peers for nothing. Obviously that's not the case anymore by the start of gen1 events

Favorite possession

Until she passed it onto Jase (and he passed it onto Zeon) it was her flower agate stone. She acquired it not long after her suicide attempt, and she carried it everywhere with her. It even survived the whole kidnapping and running from the kartoffian government thing lol the stone was a symbol of a new beginning in a life she now felt hopeful to have a future for. She gave it to Jase for a very similar reason, and by the time the stone reaches Zeon, it's filled with so much love :')

Her favorite possession after this is the first sketchbook she received from Tuesday when they were younger. It was mostly blank by the time they got together, so she dedicated the rest of the book to filling it with pictures and notes about their relationship, and she will give it to Tuesday on a milestone anniversary.

Other than those two things, I imagine she still keeps a few things that used to belong to Emily, a gift she got from Michael at one point, and some things she receives from her kids over the years.

Favorite photograph

A picture of her family when Emily was still alive. Cecilia did her best to cut her mother out of the picture. It was one of the few pictures she has with both Andreas and Emily in it, so she decided she wouldn't let her mom's presence ruin it.

I've also been imagining a picture of Cecilia and Tuesday together during Tuesday's graduation :')

Relationship with ___

Before I go into these, I wanna point out that Cecilia isn't as close to Damon as she is to Nova and Zeon. This is largely due to the fact that Jase obviously favors Damon, and she felt she needed to make it up to the other two.

Damon

Damon and Cecilia have a lot of issues they don't talk about. Damon feels Cecilia isn't interested in having a relationship with him anymore, and it upsets him a lot. Cecilia feels Damon relies too heavily on Jase fixing his problems, and she wants to see him be more independent.

They don't dislike each other, though. Damon still tries to see Cecilia, and Cecilia often gives Damon encouragement to achieve his goals. It's not hard to see they both have contributed to the wall between them, and that Cecilia doesn't have this wall with any of her other kids (or with Tuesday's kids, either.) A source of conflict between Cecilia and Jase is how they parent Damon compared to the other two, but no one else knows about this. They can never seem to find a resolution to this issue, so it remains untouched :/

At times, Cecilia feels that Damon is closer to Tuesday. The problem is, all of Damon's parents/parental figures want to see him succeed, but they all have very different approaches to their relationship with him.

Nova

She has a really good relationship with Nova. During the whole time Nova was in Italy, Cecilia was the only person Nova kept in touch with pretty much daily. After the chova breakup, Cecilia was very concerned about both of them. With Nova being so far away, she dealt with a lot of fear about how Nova was handling things by herself. Until this point, she had had no issues with the idea of Nova pursuing the travel lifestyle she'd always wanted.

She never voiced these concerns to Nova, however. She did attempt to encourage Nova to repair things with Jase and Chuck, even though Nova seemed sure that she never would.

Zeon

She's closest with Zeon. She is always taking him on secret outings without the rest of the family and getting him little things. Sometimes they will spend an entire day together ;w; I've always imagined Zeon in general isn't very outspoken about what he's thinking and feeling, but with Cecilia he is more so. It's a different type of vibe than what the type of communication he has with Jase (who elects to read Zeon's mind) and Damon (who usually just assumes what Zeon wants without really asking).

With Cecilia, he can tell her as much or as little as he wants, and she will always look for his consent in any activity they do before they do it. Cecilia very much fills the fun yet understanding mom role for Zeon.

(of course this is headcanon time so I'm just throwing out things I've thought about and it's cool if he's not actually like this)

[feelingfolegandros]

Day 1 - Tuesday, October 27 2020

Hello out there,

A friend I met here in Folegandros in September suggested I start a blog over the winter since I decided to stay. So here we are. Why not? Hi Paul! 

For those who aren’t aware (I wasn’t until about 3 months ago), Folegandros is a small island in Greece, part of the Cyclades. I first visited in mid-August and fell in love with it. 

I was initially there for a couple of weeks, then went to meet my friend B.W. in Palermo to celebrate her birthday, then returned for a few weeks in mid-September to early October, went back to Berlin for 2.5 weeks where I’ve been living for the past 5 years to purge myself of the vast majority of my possessions, my apartment, etc and returned just yesterday, technically, although it was very late Monday night. 

Our ferry (I say our because B.W., not just a friend but my best friend, is joining me for the winter) was scheduled to arrive at 00h35 but arrived nearly an hour late. We had left Athens at 14h55. 

To get here, there are a few ferry options which become increasingly sporadic as tourist season dwindles. There are typically two main options that I refer to as the “fast” and “slow” ferries. I don’t feel like explaining them now.

But okay, I guess I will elaborate. The slow ferry is quite slow… It takes just under 10 hours to get to Folegandros from Athens, with four or five stops at other islands on the way. B.W. wasn’t thrilled with the idea but I have resolved to never ever take the fast ferry again because not only is it more expensive, it also tends to be a heck of a lot more nauseating. 

With the “fast” ferry, we’re talking a journey of approximately 4.5 hours on the open sea without being able to get any fresh air for the entire duration. If the wind and therefore the waves are wild, you might vomit. At one point, on a journey from Folegandros to Athens last month, I was sitting on the ground, hunched over my open suitcase, just trying to keep it together. I think this was after I darted to the tiny airplane bathroom-sized facilities where shortly after I started vomitting, a man (I think) in the stall next to me also started vomitting. A beautiful vomit symphony. 

Okay, enough with the ferries, although it is the only way to get to the island, unless you’ve got access to a private boat or helicopter. 

We arrived early Tuesday morning (Day 1) at something like 1:30am, when the boat was scheduled to arrive at 00h35. For the last part of the journey, I went outside to the front of the boat and revelled in each second it crawled along the long North side of the island, peering out at the lights and thinking about my favourite people and places that I would soon return to. Drinking the air and the salt and the darkness and the mystery of the almost-full moon.

My boyfriend Z.X. picked us up from the port in his car. We met at a wedding a few weeks before. More on that later... He drove us to our house, our beautiful rental abode for the winter just outside the island’s main town, Chora. B.W. and I settled into our respective rooms, with Z.X. naturally joining me for the evening in mine.

In the proper morning, after a bit of sleep, we made some breakfast, and later picked up some things we needed for the house. In the afternoon, Z.X. drove us to Agali beach. The taverna was still open, although everything else was closed. I said hello to the man who owns one of the cafés (who by the way, is an extremely talented DJ...therefore his café consistently has the best music on the island) as he diligently cleaned what looked like a drying rack for dishes. When I went for a swim in the sea, I noticed two men dismantling the sign for a hotel… a sign of the times.. The end of the season. Time for winter. 

Definitely cooler than it was in early October, B.W. and I were still thrilled to be able to embrace the sea. We both feel very connected to the beach in general, to nature, to stillness, to relative simplicity in life. We bonded over our love of Greece, among other things, although she has a longer-term relationship with the nation. In fact, B.W. 

spent some of last winter on Santorini, which is very close to Folegandros. She had been quietly manifesting an opportunity to spend four months of this winter in Greece, and here we are. We met online in March at the start of this whole Covid thing and became closer just this summer. We consider each other sisters, basically. Cosmically, karmically bonded whether we like it or not! (We like it!) 

After Agali, after taking our turns walking along the shoreline together, separately…. Dancing, scooping up the sand, lying on my big purple psychedelic beach blanket I bought while in Palermo, laughing, counting our blessings, we headed to Ano Meria to watch the sunset. Ano Meria is the other town on the island. Z.X. lives and works there, and I have a dear friend, a true Folegandriti born and raised on the island, who also lives there with her family. Z.X. took us to a spot, according to him a former lookout point for the Italian army. We went inside the tiny stone structure, now largely filled with hay, and I carefully climbed up a tiny ladder out the window onto a rock. It was sublime. Life here in general is sublime, in my humble opinion. 

We drove back to the house, with Z.X. stopping now and then to speak to locals he recognized. It’s interesting, he’s Greek but not from Folegandros, and only moved here in September. So we’re both new to the island, making our own friends, figuring out our lives here separately and sort of together. After showering we headed into Chora to get something to eat. By this point, I was already verging on hanger (hunger + anger). I opted to take a quick lap around the village to get a few moments of alone time. Z.X. and B.W. settled on Souvlaki Club, one of the few places still open on the island. B.W. has some dietary restrictions, so there were only a couple of things she could eat… And Z.X. somehow forgot them in the order. All was okay in the end, and by the time we had all eaten a bit, we were in better spirits, joking about our first dinner together as a family. At least B.W. and I thought it was funny. One thing I am still wrapping my head around is the fact that it’s completely scandalous for someone (me) to order patates (french fries) with ketchup and mayonnaise.... Z.X. explained that the combination, and the fact that it’s too different sauces makes it unhealthy and a bizarre preference. I still don’t get it, but it’s one charming example of the cultural differences between a Greek man and an Italian-Canadian woman that’s been living in Germany for half a decade. We’re learning to compromise. For example, I opted to only have ketchup with my patates to avoid any scandal that evening at Souvlaki Club. The next morning, Z.X. compromised (with my gentle, playful insistence) by cleaning a few dishes in the morning before he left, instead of just leaving them for me. 

Alright, that’s all for Day 1. Let’s see if I can keep the other days more concise….

P.S. I’m going to use initials for everyone I mention in my posts. They will not be anyone’s real initials to protect the privacy of my friends, loved ones, strangers, etc. 

[sincerelymarinette]

A Recorded Life (29/50) - Miraculous Ladybug

Words: 1194 Chapter Summary: Marinette and Adrien finally go see Master Fu, nervous to ask him for help and what he could say. Are they freaking out for nothing? Will Master Fu help? Should they ask about giving their friends their Miraculous? What will Master Fu say? Author's Note: So ik I said this story doesn't follow canon but now it REALLY doesn't. Master Fu is still here. Master Fu ships. Also, this one is posted a little later BUT IT'S HERE! I got super busy this week but I was determined to post another one. I'm super excited for next week's update too...just gotta write it.

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Trip To The Parlor

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Tuesday

It was a good thing Marinette and Adrien were going to meet with Master Fu today. Marinette could barely keep her eyes open, but she was scared if she shut them for more than a few seconds, someone would grab her earrings. She knew it wouldn't be anyone in her class, but it's not a secret she's in school, and they could easily come after her for the power.

"Marinette," Alya whispered. "Adrien told me about your sleep schedule. Do you want me to come over tonight so you feel safer and can get some sleep?" She asked.

"Huh?" Marinette said, taking a moment to process what Alya just asked. "Oh, no. Adrien and I are actually going to try to find a way to protect us. So, hopefully, with the help, I'll be able to sleep," Marinette explained.

Alya nodded. "That's good. Do you think he'll have a solution?"

"I sure hope so. Adrien's father is acting really weird around him. He wants to pull Adrien out of school," Marinette said.

"What?" Alya screamed, making the whole class look at her.

The teacher chuckled. "Something you'd like to share with the class, Alya?"

Alya shook her head quickly. "No, no. Sorry," She turned to Marinette. "What?" She said, this time in a whisper.

Marinette shrugged. "I don't know. His father mentioned it, it upset Adrien, and they haven't really talked about it. Nathalie was talking to my parents the other day, so hopefully, they said something helpful."

"I will personally fight Gabriel Agreste if he thinks pulling Adrien out of school is a good idea," Alya promised.

With a small chuckle, Marinette agreed. "Me too," She said. "We're coming up with a plan to talk to him this week."

The teacher was staring at Marinette and Alya for the consistent talking, and they both apologized quickly. Alya turned one last time to Marinette. "I'm serious: If you need me to come over so you can get some sleep, you know I'll be there in a heartbeat."

---

Right after school, Adrien and Marinette met up at the front doors. He didn't have any commitments today, and Marinette didn't have any urgent work to take care of. They were a little nervous, but they knew it needed to be done.

They decided it would be smartest if they didn't take Gorilla with them, and stopped by the bakery to grab bikes. This way, even though Gorilla doesn't talk much, they wouldn't be putting him in a situation to lie for them.

Barely speaking as they biked to the massage parlor, Marinette was coming up with every possible outcome of this meeting. They didn't tell Master Fu they were coming to see him together, just that Marinette asked if he was available today. They kept the conversation short, so she wasn't sure what he was thinking. But she was prepared for the worst; she was ready for him to be mad. She just hoped that he wouldn't take the Miraculous away.

They left their bikes outside the parlor, and each took a deep breath before they walked in. They ensured that the door shut before going further into the room. "Master Fu?" Marinette called. "It's Marinette and Adrien," She continued.

"Ah, Ladybug and Chat Noir," Master Fu came through one of the doors. "I'm glad you two are here," He said, bringing both of them in for a hug.  "How are you doing?"

Marinette took a deep breath. "As well as we can. Still fighting and adjusting to this added attention," She explained.

Adrien agreed. "We've been working together outside of superhero-ing. It's a lot to take in," He said. "Before we get too far in this conversation, I have to ask. Are you going to take the Miraculous from us?"

Master Fu chuckled. "I could not do that to you two. Normally, that is protocol. But seeing as how you have handled it, I think keeping you guys close and open may be worth trying," He explained. "As long as you can handle it."

"We can handle it," Marinette said. The Kwami's floated in the air without speaking, listening to the conversation, even if it was a little awkward. Master Fu nodded and led them over to a table for the three of them to sit, so they were more comfortable for this conversation.

"But that's not all you want to talk about, is it?" He initiated.

Both Marinette and Adrien shook their heads, trying internally to figure out what they would ask first. "I have to confess that I have rarely been sleeping. My anxiety has been through the roof that someone is going to come in my room in the middle of my night, and take Tikki."

"Yes, that is an issue," Master Fu observed.

"Do you have any idea how to remedy that?" Adrien asked.

Master Fu stood up and walked over to his bookcase. "Well, having someone near you is always helpful. But I may have a solution that we can add to your Miraculous, as well as Plagg and Tikki," He started, flipping through the book. "It helps protect the Miraculous more. I think I can adjust the recipe to make it where if someone besides the holder touches your Miraculous, it will alert you. It won't necessarily stop the person, but it should be enough to wake you so you can fight them off," Master Fu explained as he started pulling ingredients out of cabinets. "It may take a few hours, if you want to come back tomorrow, that's okay."

"We actually had one other thing to ask you about," Adrien interjected, and Master Fu stopped working to face the two of them again.

"Yes?"

"Well, we were talking with our friends who are also the occasional Miraculous holders..." Adrien began. "And we were thinking it may be a good idea to give them their Miraculous full-time until we defeat Hawkmoth," He explained. "Alya and Nino are super supportive, and Hawkmoth doesn't know who Rena Rouge and Carapace are, and Chloé has been getting better after she learned out identities."

Master Fu nodded as he looked between the Kwami's and the teenagers. He took a deep breath, and looked to Wayzz once again. If he agreed, he would be putting more Miraculous out in the world, full-time. He would also be giving up his best friend for a while, but maybe it was what Marinette and Adrien needed.

"Let me think about it. You guys come back tomorrow and get the cure for Tikki and Plagg, and I'll make a decision," Master Fu said, and the two smiled with a nod.

After saying goodbye, Marinette, Adrien, Tikki, and Plagg left the parlor. Adrien and Marinette slowly biked back to the bakery, slow enough that they could talk. "We need to figure out what to say to your dad about school," Marinette started.

"I have no clue what to even say to him," Adrien said. "Once he makes a decision, he sticks to it."

"Adrien, I will do whatever I have to to get him to listen. You will stay in school," Marinette said. "And that's a promise."

---

@lady-of-the-roses-and-lilies @bookishserendipity03 @avatheexceed @gkz10 @coccinellegirl @kat-thatoneweirdo @strawberryblondish @snow-swordswoman @lilgaga98 @evufries