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stefanmikaleson1864 · 3 years ago

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Shot In The Dark Part Four !!

A/N: Sorry this one came out so late I was brain storming on where to go with it but I hope everyone enjoys and as always I’ll tag it for mentions of a gun and kidnapping !

Jubal’s POV

Maggie and OA cleared the scene there was nothing there to tell me what the hell happened and why this was happening.

It just made it worse there was so many possibilities about what the hell could have happened there.

It could have been a robbery gone wrong or it could have something do with me and my work. In my gut it had to do with me.

This was to much to be a simple break in and robbery. To many red flags for it to be a simple unknown person.

Like for example why did they take her ? Why wasn't there any medicine or valuables gone ? the way the crime scene looked, it was professional. These guys knew what they were doing.

It took everything in me not to go to the local bar. Take a drink of alcohol to take the edge off.

But i knew I couldn’t i had to be sober to work the case and I couldn’t relapse i worked too hard to let that happen.

Isobel pulled up to the scene and just looked at me with this look on her face. Like there was something she wanted to show me or tell me but she didn’t want to.

“Hey Jubal walk with me” she said

‘Yeah sure what do you got I just need you to tell me.” you said

“I’m going to be straight up honest with you because i know you would do the same with me.” Isobel said.

“Yeah yeah what it is “ I asked her

She handed me the tablet. And i looked down at the video and i pressed play. It was three guys there one was looking around keeping an eye outside.

Then after a while two men were seen carrying Y/n she looked limpless and lifeless.

It looked so bad I had no Idea if she was alive or dead. In this case she looked dead like there was no life inside of her.

It felt like everything just left my body. My knees were suddenly weak and couldn’t hold the weight of my body.

Like someone just knocked the air out of my lungs and punched me really hard in the stomach at the same time.

I could feel myself going down and if Isobel wasn’t there to catch me I would have hit the ground.

“Hey hey I got you. We don’t know anything yet, okay.” Isobel said

I stood there just looking at the video and I tried to gather my thoughts. None of this could be real. It shouldn’t be happening.

OA and Maggie walked over and Maggie looked at me with sad eyes.

“I’m so sorry this is happening Jubal. Were going to find out what happened and who did this we sent the video over to the JOC and there running to see everything they can find.” Maggie said

“Thank you I appreciate it let’s get back and get to work and don’t try and tell me i’m not working this because I am” I said to them.

No one said anything not knowing what to say and just nodded. We all got back in our cars and headed back to the JOC.

The car ride over there felt so long. So many thoughts running through my head. It felt like this was some horrible dream. That i was going to wake up and this would be all over and she would be laying in bed next to me.

She was the best thing that ever happened to me. The way she looked at me i knew how much I was loved.

She was there for everything the good the bad and everything in between. There was so many times i feel like she had every right to leave but never did.

We were going to start a family. Things with her schedule were finally becoming stable and we decided to start trying. It was so exciting thinking about becoming a dad. I know she would be a incredible mom.

I finally reach the building and it suddenly felt so real. I don’t to go up there I don’t want to see her picture on that screen. She isn’t just some victim. It was hard because now i know what these families go through with their loved ones.

I walked into the building and everyone’s eyes were on me. Word had spread quickly about what’s going on. Everyone looking at me with sad eyes they don’t know what to say to me.

I made it into the JOC and it was dead silence never in my years of working there had it ever been so quiet before. Everyone with that same damn face. I’m sick of seeing it the pity look.

Her picture was there up on the screen. The one place i never wanted to see her face. It was a beautiful picture of her.

The one she had when she got when she got her degree. She was smiling so bright and she really shined in that picture.

I just had to push all that away. To just do what I know i can do and work this case. So I walked to the front and got into work space.

“Alright what do we got what do we know.” I asked the room my voice carrying

“So far were analyzing the footage we do have and is trying to run the faces through facial rec.” Kelly said

“Yea yeah okay anything else do we know?” I asked

“Were working the angle that it had to do something with you boss.” Ian said

“Yeah I figured it seemed to good and two sophisticated to be a random attack.” I said

“ I got something.” Elise said.

“Take a look at the screen this guy right here the one walking out carrying Y/N i was able to get an ID based of the tattoo on his wrist. His name is Kyle James he’s a convicted felon and he was accused of murdering his ex girlfriend he took a plea of 10 years. And guess who was the arresting officer.” Elise said

“Yeah I remember him he beat his girlfriend and killed her.” i Said

My mind really stared racing then he was a violent guy and the thought he was with her made my blood boil.

“Where is he now.” I asked

“Last known is at his girlfriend’s krystal were trying to track her down now.” Ian said

“This doesn’t make sense why go through all this because I arrested him 10 years ago. Why now.” I asked the room

“Were working on digging up his history and see what is going on.” Kelly said

Things weren’t adding up it was a simple open and ended case. We had the evidence and we have the confession it was a open and shut case. There was something in my gut that was adding up.

Suddenly the screens and everyone’s computer went dark and then a video came up.

It was Y/N and she was sitting in a chair and she was tied to the chair. I could see her face and how scared she was. It broke my heart.

Suddenly Kyle James came to the screen and held a gun to Y/n’s head. By this time everyone was in the JOC watching and Isobel stood next to me placing a comforting hand on my back.

“This message goes to Jubal Valentine you wrongly put me in prison you made up the evidence made me give a false confession out of me and was drinking and drunk the whole case. You took ten years of my life away. My daughter passed while I was in Jail. I lost someone now your going to feel the same pain and loose someone you love.” he said

He clicked the gun to her head and then all of all sudden the feed went down and all we heard a loud pop. and it was quiet.

My heart stopped in that moment i couldn’t even stand anymore collapsing in my chair. Is she gone or dead I don’t know.

“I got a location 2343 west park way it’s an abandoned warehouse.” elise yelled out.

I couldn’t hear anything else I just grabbed my gun and left. I sped so fast down there and I know the rest of the team was following me but I wasn’t worried about them.

When i got there I heard Isobel told me over the radio to wait for back up. But i of course didn’t listen. I ran in there and tried to find any clues.

“Y/N are you here Y/N answer me.” I pleaded out

I ran into a empty room and there was a puddle of blood and Kyle and another man laying dead on the floor.

It was where they filmed Y/N earlier. Her chair where she was sitting was empty. I heard scola and tiff call out along with Maggie and OA.

Scola walked in the room and yelled it was all clear. That you weren’t there.

“I’m guessing the gun shot we heard was about them and not Y/N so that could be some good news.” scola said

“Yeah hopefully.” I said

OA called out and asked for you to come in the room. Me and scola followed him in there and it was pictures of you every where.

Someone was following you. It was me and you out together and you going to work. What the hell was going on.

There was also you with some kids and some with a man. It looked like the two of you were arguing.

There was one with you and that same guy leaving the clinic late. There was something on your face I couldn’t read. You looked mad and worried.

“ I don’t think this was about you.” Maggie said

“Or it could been at first and now who ever was following Y/N followed her here took advanged escalated and took her. “ Tiff said

“I have no Idea who would be doing this. She never told me of any problems.” I said

This case just took a whole new direction. We now had to investigate your life to see what was going on. I don’t know what the hell was going on. I wish you would have told me. I could have helped you, I thought.

Whatever it is, I just hope you don’t have too many secrets buried.

#jubal valentine #jubal valentine x reader #jubal valentine imagine #jubal valentine one shot #jeremy sisto #oa zidan #maggie bell #tiffany wallace #stewart scola #isobel castiel #FBI show #fbi x reader #fbi imagine #fbi cbs #mentions of a gun #mentions of violence

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writing-in-april · 4 years ago

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The 5 Stages of Grief

Stage three: Bargaining (3/5)

Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader (Spencer’s POV)

Summary: Spencer going through each of the stages of grief after the death of the reader. Stage three is bargaining.

A/N: Here’s chapter 3 everyone! I think this might be the chapter I’m most proud of in terms of writing. Idk I just really like how this chapter came together even though it’s obviously extremely sad. It also kinda got away from me in terms of length lmao 😂 this chapter puts the overall word count for the series at 5k which is the most I’ve ever written before 🥳 I wonder- does anyone have any guesses as to where the story is going next? If you’ve got any ideas drop them in the comments or my inbox- I’m curious! Also- I’ve got a special surprise coming!!Requests are open!

Warnings ⚠️ (warnings for the whole series are on the series Masterlist): Death, Funeral, Craving drugs, Using drugs, Suicide references, Suicidal thoughts, Religion references, Obsessive thoughts, Spencer’s all over the place, Spencer gets mad collectively at the team again, Spencer contradicts himself a few times, Unreliable narrator

Main Masterlist | 5 Stages of Grief Masterlist

Word count: 2.1k

Earth often symbolized stability; I had never felt more unstable then I did now, when I was without the person that grounded me. I wished the earth would just swallow me whole as the water and fire had done. I wish I was buried underneath all the dirt, right beside them and with a headstone to match.

A constant loop of the same thoughts kept running through my head that all had one goal in mind. A small logical part of my brain spoke to me telling me that obsessing over different variations of, “If only” weren’t healthy for me. But, I couldn’t stop thinking of every possible outcome of that night, how it might have gone different or how I could have done differently. The questions that had once filled my head were now filled with absolutes. Absolutes that caused me to sink further into my mind. I wish the absolutes would have buried me alive. At least then I’d be laid beside them and I would no longer have to cry.

I’d rather the earth crush me than accept that they’re gone.

If only I had run faster.

If only I had drawn my gun faster.

If only I had taken the hit.

If only they were here.

If only.

When the non-denominational preacher spoke as their casket was lowered back into the earth I blocked out his words of what some would perceive as wisdom. The wisdom was hollow, it was all a folly. I had never understood how people could just accept the grief that was dealt to them. Why should I have to accept the horrible fact of what had befallen the person closest to my heart?

Death was a fact of life, I knew. But, my heart still couldn’t bear to accept that fact. I couldn’t be objective anymore, my grief had crushed any accepted meaning to anyone or anything.

“Do you need anything Spence?” JJ’s words broke me out of my swirling thoughts for a moment as I walked into the foyer of the apartment I could barely bear to step foot in. I focused enough that her words just made me laugh bitterly internally. What do I need? What I needed she couldn’t give me. No one could give me what I wanted, unless I started to buy in and believe in what the priest had been preaching.

“What I need you can’t give me.” I gazed around the small living room, lingering on the green walls of my apartment that had once been a happy spot for me. I remembered the joy I had with them the day we had decided to freshen up the walls with a new color of paint. I should paint them black now, to match my clothes and the gaping hole that sat within my chest.

“Maybe I could try?” JJ was smart, but her naivety was astounding to me at times. The fact that she could not read the meaning behind my words made me question if she knew anything about me at all. She claimed to me my best friend, but the real person who held that spot was now buried in a cemetery.

“Can you bring them back JJ?” Silence was the only response I got to my words.

I wonder if JJ suspected what I wanted to do when she shut the door, the door to an apartment I used to share with someone. I didn't want to turn to it, but I couldn’t find a less extreme option for me. The only other option was to resort to the drug that had ruled my life before I had met them. Addiction used to ensnare me in its vice like grip, which was the time in my life when I had first met them. They had freed me from its wicked vines that had trapped me for so long, they were the only one to listen to my cries for help then. So, who would listen now?

Would JJ be the one to hear my silent cries?

Or would I be abandoned like I had been before?

If she knew what I was about to do would she have let me? Or would she not even bother to help? She was already planning on leaving me tonight to be all alone, just like everyone else always did. So, why would she care if I indulged in the vials that sat in my pocket?

When she did leave for the night, the emptiness of our apartment- my apartment was apparent. What had once been filled with happiness was now soiled with the overwhelming presence of grief. I wished the team would stop giving me food and platitudes about life after death. I wished they cared enough to truly help me instead of giving me their blasé condolences with casseroles. I wished they had done so many things differently that day. I wished they did something different now. Where were they now? Why couldn’t we deal with our grief together? They lost a co-worker, but I lost a partner. They were selfish when they left me time and time again, first the dilaudid, then many other grievances, and now this. Why did they always leave me so alone? Why couldn’t they stay to help ground me? Why did I have to be alone? Why did everyone always leave me?

Why did they have to leave me?

I need to again stop asking questions that I know I’ll never have the answer to, I know now that the world only deals in absolutes.

If only the team had connected the dots faster.

If only they had gotten there faster.

If only they had drawn their guns faster.

If only someone else had taken the hit.

If only they were here.

If only.

I sat at the small kitchen table that used to be occupied by a pair of chairs, but after I had broken the chair that they used to use, there was only one. It had reminded me too much of the sight of their empty chair at the round table, except the one at the BAU I knew would one day have another occupant. The chair that used to sit across from me during the rare meals we had at home and not on a case would never be occupied by another. There was no way I could ever move on from them, the grief was too much and I had no doubt that their death would forever leave a hole in my chest, never to be filled again. I was broken without them and even more so than their old chair, I was fractured without them, I wasn’t me without them. I knew I’d never be the same again. I would never be happy again.

The gaping hole in my chest that begged to be filled by a presence no longer there made me ache for any sort of relief. The glass vials in my pocket clinked together loudly as if they were mocking me and telling me that there was no escape from their addictive presence. I wished someone had been there to stop me from ever paying my old dealer who had greeted me like an old friend. The sight of him sickened me, I knew I was desecrating their memory by giving into the addiction that they had pulled me away from. But, my shaking fingers couldn’t resist paying the man that held the glass vials that held the clear liquid I desperately wanted injected in my veins. It felt like I had made a deal with death when I had handed the man the money. It allowed me reprieve from the ever reaching depths of death’s power over my life, but death was an inescapable fact. No one can win when a deal with death is struck because death would always be an old friend to us all. But, I didn’t mind, if death took me it would at least let me be with them again.

I couldn’t ground myself without them, they had helped tether me to the earth rather than letting myself float away into the abyss. They were the whole reason I stopped in the first place. The ground had been pulled out from under me when I just wished it would bury me alongside them. This feeling of falling with no reprieve, with no ground to stabilize me made me want to cling to my past coping mechanisms. I wish death would just take me.

I had lost my rock and that dilaudid I had picked up before the funeral felt like pebbles in my pocket that could possibly save me. They’d never compare to the feeling of having the ground underfoot, keeping me rooted in all life had to offer.

My rock was gone and the dilaudid was the biggest pebble I had to keep me clinging to what once was.

If only there was some less extreme option.

If only something had been different.

If only I had done something different.

If only they were here.

If only.

I was slipping away, I needed something to ground me, to hold me down. I only had the pebbles in my pocket now. I was trapped in my mind and trapped in my grief, the one thing I needed to save me was impossible to reach.

My mind was racing with possibilities in an attempt to distract myself from the clinking of the glass vials in my pocket. I was trying to ignore the memories of that blissfully weightless feeling I got when I used to stick the hypodermic needle in my arm to flood my veins with what could only be described as euphoria. I needed someone to save me. I needed them, I needed my rock. Who or what could bring that weight back? Who or what could bring the person back who gave my life its meaning? Who or what could I plead to? And who would bother to hear the pleas of a broken man on his knees?

“I won’t relapse if you bring them back.” I fell down on my knees as I pleaded out loud to whoever may care. The tears that spilled down my cheeks barely registered in my mind, they seemed like a constant in my life now, always there to drip down and stain every part of my life. I would never escape this grief. The grief left me feeling heavy and weightless at the same time, heavy with regret and weightless because I had no purpose now. Death was cruel to take away the only thing I had to weigh me down. My last possible reprieve before resorting to something I promised to never touch again was to plead.

I used one last plea, one last plea until I picked the pebbles out of my pocket. One last plea to something I didn’t even fully believe existed. One last plea in hopes of bringing my rock back to bring me back down to earth. One last plea that was perhaps was in vain, but I was still trying to cling to the ground that had been pulled out from under me. Maybe the entity some knew as God would answer my plea, even though we had only spoken a handful of times. I wasn’t even confident that God was real. There were so many other possibilities.

I’d just instead use my plea to beg any entity that may be out there. Whatever the origin and whatever the cost, I did not care. The only thing I cared about is if my rock was there.

If my plea was not answered by the someone or something I was praying to, the ground that had been pulled out from under me would never return. If my plea was not answered and my rock did not return to weigh my feet back down to keep me from floating in the air, I wouldn’t be sure what my options were anymore.

Without my rock, I’d float with only a meager few pebbles to try and bring me back down. If my rock did not return maybe after trying a few of the pebbles maybe I’d just let myself get swallowed by a different type of earth, soil. Soil that would cover me so I would at least be able to be laid down beside the person I had once thought would one day be my spouse.

But, the door never opened.

And, the earth did not swallow me to allow me to join them.

Though, I sincerely wished it had.

Maybe, I’d still resort to that.

Maybe, death would cash in it’s side of the deal.

If only my plea had worked.

I’d be with my rock again.

I guess I would settle with my pebbles.

—-

Tag list (message me if you want to be added):

All works:

@shotarosleftpinky @oreogutz

Spencer Reid/CM:

@calm-and-doctor @destiny-tsukino @safertokiss

5 stages of grief:

@joonie-centric @tatesimper @half-blood-dork @mcntsee @illuxions-x @rainsong01 @nomajdetective @loveheathens @day-n-night-dreamer @reidbuck

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid angst #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds #criminal minds angst #spencer reid series #spencer reid fanfic #5 stages of grief series #5 stages of grief #matthew gray gubler #matthew gray gubler x reader

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nagitolovebug · 3 years ago

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How did komahina co-parent at first? How was hajimes reaction to the twins? Did bebi like getting siblings

komahina's co-parenting at first was...definitely an Ordeal. not even because of bebi, but bc komahina is a mess. originally hajime was very insecure about his role in bebi's life, as he had very clearly asserted himself as a separate person from izuru and that he was going to live as hajime and not someone else- so wouldn't that make bebi Not his kid? sure, they're his genetically, but in theory.... that was the dilemma he dealt with. he'd already grown attached to them when he was caring for them while nagito was still in a coma and worries now that nagito has woken up, his job is done, and that nagito won't want him around bebi anymore. in turn, nagito is worried that bc hajime is asserting himself as separate from izuru that he doesn't see bebi as his kid and will not be interested in raising them, that bebi will lose their father and nagito will lose his once-husband (lurking somewhere in hajime's subconscious...) turned best friend. they live together right off the bat, sleeping in the same bed (bebi likes to be held by the 2 of them to fall asleep...but even when bebi sleeps in their own bed they didn't think to get separate bedrooms or anything...) and end up becoming very.....affectionate with one another despite their claims that they're purely platonic. they "platonically" hold hands, cuddle, kiss, kiss, and more...intimate things in the cover of night ;) nagito's convinced hajime is just "using him for stress relief" and he's only truly staying bc he'd feel guilty leaving bebi. hajime thinks they're together. this miscommunication is not truly cleared up until hajime proposes. other than that, they both love bebi very very much and spend all their time with bebi, doting on them, playing with them, caring for them.

as for hajime's reaction to the twins- that in itself was also an Ordeal! when nagito found out he was pregnant again, bebi was very sick and in the hospital, which was very hard on nagito as he blamed himself. and he had resigned himself to leaving bebi and hajime, thinking they'd be safer without him in their lives. hajime was an adult who was fully informed of the danger of nagito's luck and had izuru's luck to protect him ! but bebi couldn't consent to that. he did not want to risk hurting his child in any capacity. so he resigned himself to leaving...but the news of pregnancy only devastated him further. to think he'd ruin not only bebi and hajime's lives but the life of another baby (not knowing it was twins lol)....it was too much for him. the plan was to leave the island, suffer through the pregnancy by himself, and come back after the birth to drop their new baby off before disappearing forever.

trans male pregnancy under the cut

bc nagito's carrying twins, the toll on his body during this pregnancy is far worse than it was during despair. he becomes very weak and sickly, especially with the added stress and despair of trying to leave his 'best friend' and kid, his kid being in the hospital,,, he hasn't been taking care of himself. the night bebi returns from the hospital (fully recovered! ...but having finally fully lost their vision in their right eye), hajime catches nagito trying to leave. he'd collapsed on his way out, having gotten incredibly dizzy. he'd left nothing but a note on the nightstand reading, "Be back soon." hajime wakes up to an empty bed and almost (almost) panics, steadies his breaths to the small snores of a sleeping baby in a nearby crib. he finds nagito half unconscious on the beach slumped on a duffel bag. "nagito??? nagito???? nagito!!! oh, thank god" "h...inata-kun?" "yea, it's me, come on, let's get you-" and nagitos eyes clear up and he shoves hajime away. "nagito-?" "stay away from me!" "nagito, you're not in your right mind, let's go back to the cabin-" "...how did you find me." "well, I found your note, which scared me shitless- I had no idea where you were or what had happened to you and frankly, I'm pretty pissed about that, but that can wait until I know you're safe-" "I'm so sorry, hinata-kun, I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry, hinata-kun, hinata-kun, hinata-kun-" "jeez, I said you can call me hajime... it's alright, relax, i'm not really mad. I was just worried." "you don't understand, you have to get away from me now-" "what are you even doing out here. what's with the bag" "hinata-kun." "....where were you going" "I hadn't decided yet" "why" "I-" "just bc you're in remission, you think you can just do whatever you want? what if something happened to you? goddamn it, you're not bullet proof, nagito! I know you're working on it, I know you're trying, but fuck you're so goddamn selfish! people care about you! I care about you! why can't you just understand that!" "i won't let myself hurt you!" "you're hurting me now!" "this will ruin your life, i will ruin your life-" "im your fucking....best friend, just tell me what's wrong, i can help you-" "nobody can help me, it's too late for me..." "goddamn it, nagito, please-!" and nagitos voice breaks when he whispers. "...i'm pregnant" ".......what" and nagito breaks into a quiet sob "I'm pregnant, hajime, and no one else on this island would dare defile themselves with me the way you have..." "are you serious?" "please don't make me say it again" and maybe if nagito weren't lost in a spiral of self deprecation and if his eyes weren't swimming with tears, he would've seen the nervous smile that broke out on hajime's face, the joy in his voice. "nagito, that's-!" "horrible? disgusting? i know I'm an abomination, hajime, maybe if my pathetic body functioned the way it was meant to-" "don't say that. don't you ever say that" "please just leave..." "you...you were pregnant with our kid and you were gonna leave??? what if you relapsed? what if you needed me?" hajime grabbed his face and forced nagito to look at him. "why are you doing this?" nagito laughed breathlessly, hysterically. "don't worry, hinata-kun, i would have brought them back! i simply didnt want to force you through the despair of having someone as putrid as me being pregnant, knowing that you've procreated with the lowest scum of the earth....surely it would ruin you. besides, i could never take your child from their father. nor would i subject them to my luck...will you let me go now, knowing your child will be alright" "they're your kid too" "for the sake of their sanity I'd rather keep that to myself" hajime steeled his expression, then grabbed Nagito's wrist. "we're going back to the cabin. we'll talk more in the morning." "Hinata-kun, let go of me." "nagito, let's go." "hinata, let go" "I'm not leaving you out here" nagito starts tearing up again and scratching frantically at his own skin. "please" "we're leaving." and hajime picks nagito up (he was

probably still too dizzy to walk anyway). but nagito starts screaming and thrashing and crying and weakly hitting hajime. "LET ME GO, LET ME GO, LET ME GO, IM GONNA HURT YOU, IM GONNA KILL YOU, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE-" and hajime starts silently crying too but he just holds on tighter and keeps walking. i think they get to the cabin and hajime sets him down on the bed and nagito starts punching hajimes chest (not hard) but hajime just grabs his wrists and holds them tight as nagito struggles and cries softly. "i ruined your life..me and this broken body of mine." "i...love you. you're not broken. I'm not leaving and neither are you." "i hate you..." "you're the best thing that ever happened to me." "I'll kill you..." "you won't." "why won't you just leave.." "why won't you stay." "..." "lets go to bed. we'll see mikan in the morning. get some rest." nagito is still scratching at his skin when hajime pulls him against his chest and forces nagito to lay down with him. "i love you" "im scared..." "i know" "im so sorry.." "i know. it's ok" "it's not" "as long as you're still with me, it is." "you're too kind to me.." "i love you." "how many times are you going to say that." "as many times as it takes for you to believe it." and the conversation pitters off as nagito silently sobs into hajime's chest until he passes out while Hajime rubs small circles into his back and presses kisses to his head. nagito wakes up with his eyes swollen face still tucked into Hajime's chest and he knows hajime's awake bc he can feel his chest vibrating with light hums and soft strokes to his hair. nagito looks up and licks his lips, eyes watering again when he sees hajime's patient gaze, his eyes crinkling in a worried smile, extenuating the eyebags and evident exhaustion. "hinata-kun, i'm so s-" "shhh. none of that. we're seeing mikan in a bit, i already called her. i'm sorry for not noticing what was going on. it must have been so hard dealing with this alone.." "you shouldn't have to deal with it.." "i want to. i love you. we're in this together. for as long as you'll have me. it's hard, it's really hard sometimes, because i hate seeing you like this..it makes me feel so helpless it reminds me of-- the. program. but it's worth it. for you, it's always worth it." "hinata..." "keep resting. don't strain yourself too much." "i love you...i love you..i love you ..." "i know." going to see mikan and mikan warns them that Yes nagito is in fact pregnant and the fact that he's just come off of chemo and is still in remission is gonna make the pregnancy tough on him physically and that he's gonna get about as sick as he was before but promises it's temporary and that she guarantees he'll see the baby to full term ("link that's medically incorrect" idc link does what he wants Hajime has a dude put in his head via lobotomy science is a liar sometimes) and hajime holds nagito's hand the entire time and presses a kiss to his cheek when he cries a little when mikan says the baby will be healthy and ok and survive and nagito turns to him and gives him a watery smile before laughing and crying joyously a little more and thats when hajime knows they'll be ok. they do talk more abt this whole thing, nagito's motives, bebi,,,,but that's like a 1k fic and this post is alr long enough 😅maybe i'll polish it and make it a fic. long story short, hajime's personally extremely happy that nagito's pregnant, but his worry over nagito's health as a whole, physical and mental kinda trumped that but past that- it's nothing but excitement! (they did not know they were having twins...so excitement and a surprise!) as for bebi, they were very happy to be getting a sibling! they love mimicking everyone they see by talking to their papa's tummy, touching it, generally babbling to komahina how they're gonna share their toys with the baby, will the baby play with them, can they share a room? they always want more love in their life !

#komahina #cw tokophobia #cw trans male pregnancy #im a trans guy before u come for me xoxo #danganronpa #bebi kamukura #nagito komaeda #hajime hinata #anon #asks

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itisannak · 4 years ago

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Secrets I have held in my heart (Ashton Irwin Smut)

Summary: (Y/N) starts dating someone who is not Ashton. And Ashton seems to have an issue with that. (Smut / Unprotected Sex) (Request) (Words: 3.8k)

"Your phone has been buzzing lots tonight..." Ashton comments as he passes me the takeout Chinese box. I chuckle and lock my phone, shrugging my shoulders. "Uh, Crystal gave my phone to a friend of hers... He saw me at a party and asked her about me. We've been talking a bit this week." I state, grabbing my chopsticks. "Oh, really?" He asks as he sits down next to me. "Yeah, he seems like a nice guy and Crystal has been eating my ears off to hook me up with someone." I reply, making Ashton hum. "Why though? You are perfectly capable of finding someone yourself. Plus, you are an independent woman and you don't need no man." He jokes, making me giggle as I take a bite from my food. "I am a boss bitch, I need no one. But... My bed is always empty and loneliness is hard. You know that better than anyone." I reply, leaning my head against his shoulder. "Yeah... Well, he better be nice to you." He mumbles, starting the movie. "Let's not talk about him now. It's our slumber party..." I state and he hums in agreement.

I rush to my door, trying not to trip off on my high heels on my way there. I open it, finding Ashton behind it holding a box of pizza. "Oh, shit." I breathe out, mentally slapping my face. "I am glad to see you too, Geez..." He rolls his eyes, walking in. "I totally forgot about you..." I sigh and he furrows his eyebrows, looking at me in confusion. "Am I easy to forget, (Y/N)?" He asks, leaving the pizza box on the island. "Not at all, Ash. Ryan, the guy I have been talking with... Well, he asked me out and... We are going out tonight." I explain and he gasps softly, with his face dropping. "But tonight is Saturday... And Saturday is our day. We are hanging out on Saturdays..." He says, making my stomach hurt as I realize I have let him down. "I am sorry, love. We can hang out tomorrow, same time. I'll buy pizza and ice cream. We can meet early in the morning, spend the day together, binge-watch that series you have been talking about all the time." I nearly plead for him to accept it. "I am spending the day with Calum tomorrow... Well, next week then... You have fun at your date, tell me how it went..." He says, leaning down to press a kiss on my forehead. "The pizza..." I reach for the box to hand it back to him. "Keep it as a treat. In case you get hungry after your date." He smiles, bringing a smile on my face as well; he always had the most contagious smile ever. "Be safe. If you need anything, call me." He offers, making me nod.

"So, how is it going with Ryan?" Crystal asks before taking a sip of her wine. I clear my throat and bite the inside of my cheek. "We've gone out a couple of times. He is nice and charming, and he treats me right. But we are not official, I guess... We haven't put a label on, yet." I reply; unconsciously, my eyes travel to Ashton, watching for his reaction. He cuts a piece of his lasagna and eats it, paying zero attention to me. "Did he screw you yet?" He asks bluntly, still not looking at me. The table gasps and Calum punches Ashton's shoulder, while I fidget with my fingers. "That's really not your business." I mumble, feeling my cheeks heat up. He knows sex-talk makes me really uncomfortable, so he is the last person I expected to ask this question. "Oh, come on. We always talk about our sex lives... It's not a big deal." He looks at me straight in the eye, coldly almost. I detect no regret or hesitation in his eyes, which makes me hum. "You don't have to answer that, love." Crystal assures me, but I shake my head. "No, he is right. It is not a big deal." I state, shrugging my shoulders. "So, go ahead and tell us. Did he screw you yet? Did you fuck?" He asks, pressing on the matter. "Ashton, stop." Calum hisses, but he brushes him off. "We haven't yet. I mean, we almost did. We made out, I was sitting on his lap, his dick got hard. He almost got me naked, he touched me softly. I had never been so wet in my whole entire life. But we stopped. He wanted it to be a little more... Special, I guess. So, we stopped... And I have to say, it was so hard to stop... I still think about it when I touch myself... Oof, I can't even get my head straight at the thought of him fucking me." I reply, not taking my eyes off of him, searching for his reaction. He looks at me intensely, jaw twitching a little. There is deep silence on the table, everyone looking between me and Ashton. "Ok, thank you for the update..." Luke breaks the tension, but Ashton and I still look at each other.

"Does anyone wanna try my veggie lasagna?" Calum clears his throat, trying to find a way to get everyone to tense down. "I've actually had enough for today." He states, pushing his chair back before he stands up. I take a sip from my drink, looking at him as he marches away. "What the fuck was that?" Michael mumbles, looking at me. "He asked, I answered." I shrug my shoulders.

My foot moves nervously as Ryan hands me my drink, making me smile tightly at him. "Are you alright?" He asks, taking a seat by me and putting his arm on the back of the couch. "Yeah, yeah... I had a stressful couple of days, and my mind keeps going back to them." I reply, bringing my glass to my lips. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asks, placing his hand on top of mine. "It has to do with my best friend. He has been acting very weird lately and I am really worried, to be honest. But I really don't want to talk more about it." I gulp and he nods. "You are so thoughtful of everyone. It makes you really adorable." He whispers and I smile, pressing my lips together. "I don't want to be adorable tonight... Adorable doesn't make men hard..." I whisper, moving to straddle him. "It makes me hard..." He moans as I lower my lips to his neck. "Oh yeah?" I ask, running my tongue across the hickey I was sucking on. "Yeah... I've been thinking about you since the last time..." He places his hands on my hips before slipping one of them under my t-shirt and up my back. "Have you, now?" I ask cockily, tilting my head back as he nudges it with his own. He kisses on my collarbones, trailing up to my lips. "Oh, fuck, Ashton..." I moan, closing my eyes.

Ryan stops instantly and I gasp as I realize what just happened. I move from his lap, bringing my hands to cover my mouth and looking at him in shock. "Who's Ashton?" He asks me calmly but shocked. "I am so sorry..." I mumble, feeling horrible about what happened. "Who's Ashton?" He insists, standing up. I close my eyes, running my hand down my face. I contemplate on what to tell him, surely not knowing what Ashton is to me anymore. "He is the only person I want to be with..." I say softly, tilting my head to the side. He just looks at me while I wish for the earth beneath me to swallow me whole. "You should really get out of here." He points out, handing me my purse and phone. "Ryan, I am really sorry." I state, making him chuckle sarcastically. "Yeah, me too." He replies, opening the door for me.

The drive back home was full of me asking myself what the fuck I should do. I have been in love with Ashton ever since I met him, I had to sit and watch him move from relationship to relationship, each time getting more and more hurt. I have had enough of him treating me as nothing more than a friend and as much as I hated it, I settled for just that. But he has been in my head, every day since we met, everything I have been feeling for him only growing stronger.

I park my car and get out of it, trying to get some structure into my thoughts. Reaching for the entrance of my apartment building, I find Ashton sitting on the floor, with his back against the door of it. "Ash... What are you doing here?" I ask, getting his attention on me. His face is puffy and his eyes are red, making me kneel and cup his face in my hands. "Have you been drinking?" I ask, worrying about him relapsing. "I am sober." He utters, placing his hands on mine. My heart goes back to its place and I finally take a breath, standing up and helping him get off the ground. "Come on, let's get in." I sigh, unlocking the front door.

He follows suit behind me, both of us staying silent until I unlock the door and let us in. I turn up the lights, leaving my purse down before I turn to look at Ashton, who scratches the back of his neck nervously. "You were with Ryan?" He asks, barely over a whisper. "Are you here for the second round of that shit you pulled everyone through last week?" I ask and he shakes his head, looking at his feet. "I was at his house." I admit, sitting on the arm of the couch. "Uh... Did you have sex with him?" He asks, making me sigh. "Ash, if you are here to..." I begin but he stops me. "I am not... It doesn't matter anyway..." He says. "Why are you here then? What do you want?" I ask him, crossing my arms in front of my chest. "I... Fuck... I had this whole speech in my head on the drive here, I had so many things I wanted to say, and now I am blank... I don't know from where to start and I am a fucking mess right now." He mumbles and I stare at him, trying to figure out where all of this is going. "You can start by telling me why you were outside my door looking like you've been hit by a truck." I suggest and he hums. "I have been in love with you since the day I met you. Calum and Michael convinced me that I would screw everything up if I tried to be with you... So I repressed everything and decided that if I couldn't be with you, at least I should settle for being your friend. And in the beginning, it worked, because you hadn't been going out with anyone, you hadn't been with anyone really, so it was fine, I wasn't jealous... And then Crystal set you up with Ryan and I felt like I was running out of time. I pictured him touching you, kissing you, making you happy and it drove me insane... I didn't want anyone being with you but me... I wanted to distance myself, especially after the time you canceled on me to go out with him, but it made me look like a douchebag, particularly after the dinner incident. I drove home that day, repeating in my head what you told me and I felt like I couldn't breathe. It took me a lot to come to terms with the fact I was losing you, and even more to build the courage to stand before you and admit that I am in love with you. It might fuck everything up as Calum said, but I can't go on thinking I wasted away even the slight possibility of ending up with you." He admits, causing me to sigh in relief. I stand up, shaking my head at him.

"I moaned your name." I whisper, looking at him as he furrows his eyebrows at me. "What? When?" He asks me, placing his hands on my shoulders. "Tonight. We were kissing, Ryan and I... I had decided I wanted to have sex with him, and we were making out. I was on his lap and he was kissing my neck, and it felt nice, it really did. So I closed my eyes and I pictured you, kissing my neck, touching me, making me feel good. And I moaned your name. It rolled off my tongue so naturally. And he asked me who Ashton is and I lost it... I didn't know what to tell him and I couldn't tell him you are just a friend, because, well, you really can't moan your friend's name the way I did... So I told him you are the only person I want to be with and he told me to leave. And I drove here, hoping I could get my mind right and tell you how much I love you, how much I wish I can be with you. So, fuck Calum's opinion, you should have told me ages before." I comment, making him hum. "Yeah, Calum really had the dumbest idea..." He whispers, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. "You really shouldn't have listened to him..." I mumble as he pulls me closer. "I really shouldn't have..." He utters, leaning down to kiss me.

My eyes flicker at the sensation of his lips against mine, my foot popping up just as it happens in those movies I always make fun of. My stomach tightens before it flutters; it feels like I am a teen again. His hands travel to my waist, wrapping tightly around it as I deepen the kiss. "Fuck me, you feel so good against me..." He moans, parting away from me for a second to catch his breath. "With pleasure..." I smirk, making him lick his lips. "We don't have to do anything just yet." He leans down to whisper in my ear, pecking on my temple at the end of the sentence. I whimper, pulsing around nothing as I look at him with my eyes wide and my lips parted. "Well, now we do." I reply mesmerized, feeling my cheeks heating up. He bites the inside of his cheek, moving to pick me up. My skirt hitches up my thighs as he carries me to my bedroom. I feel anxious about what is to come, yet at ease as if all of this has happened before. "Do you have condoms?" He asks me as he lets me on the bed. "I am on birth control." I mumble and he nods. For a second I feel awkwardness sinking in the room, none of us making a single move.

I stand up from the bed, moving before him before I take my t-shirt off, staring at him. "Fuck..." He moans under his breath, scanning me up and down. "You've seen me scantily clad before... One too many times." "You think I wasn't having these thoughts every time I watched you in a bikini?" He asks as my hands move to unzip my skirt. "Are you going to take anything off, or are you going to keep burning holes on my skin with your eyes?" I ask him, making him cock an eyebrow at me. "Watching you strip doesn't sound that bad." He replies without taking his eyes off me. "Take a picture, it will last longer." I joke and his eyes go a little darker. "Can I?" He asks, licking his lips. "If you play your cards right, I might let you next time." I tease, unhooking my bra and letting it slide down my arms.

He gulps thickly, undoing his belt as he watches me like a hawk. "Shall I start solo?" I ask, crawling onto my bed. "You feel like putting on a show for me?" He asks, bringing a smirk to my face. I slip off my underwear and spread my legs as I lay on my back, getting comfortable before my hand slips between my thighs. I run my fingers down my core, feeling my wetness before pressing them against my clit, circling it slowly. "Oh, Ash... I am so wet..." I moan, feeling goosebumps rise on my skin as I feel him observe me. "Fuck..." He mumbles, nearly jumping towards me and removing my hand. He looks at me with dark eyes, pupils dilated, and face tensed. "Are you going to fuck me or what?" I ask, chest rising and falling. "For such a sweet face, you would think you are a sweetheart... But look at that foul mouth..." He comments, spreading my legs more. "Pretend you don't like it, daddy..." I smirk, making him blink a couple of times before he thrusts in me. I whimper at the sensation, arching a bit off the mattress. "How did you just call me?" He asks, gripping onto my thighs harshly. The pads of his fingers sink onto my skin, surely leaving prints that prove he has been there. "You need to stop oversharing details about your sex life... Well, at least now that we are going to be fucking." I reply, raising my bum in the air to bring my hips closer to him. He is going slow, agonizingly slow for my liking, and I really want him faster, deeper, harder. I have been dreaming about this moment for years, and I always picture him going animalistic at it. "More." I beg, wiggling my hips as he thrusts in and out. "More? Already? Look at that... Taking my cock so well and begging for more..." He praises, pounding in me with force. My ass lands back on the mattress and my thighs almost reach my chest. "I have been thinking about this moment ever since I can remember myself. I want everything I can get." I reach for my breasts, cupping one in my palm before I fondle with it. "Have you been dreaming about it every time you touched yourself? Have you been thinking about my cock stretching your perfect little pussy, pressing against your cervix? Have you been dreaming about me touching you in places a friend shouldn't?" He taunts, making the bed rattle as he fucks me harder. "Oh, you have no idea." I moan, throwing my head back in pleasure. "I think I do, princess. I can't even watch porn anymore, because thinking of you is the only thing that sets me off. I stroke my cock and moan your fucking name. I have been craving you for years. And you are all mine now." The last part comes out of him as a growl from deep in his chest, the primitiveness of it making me gasp for air. "Oh, God..." I moan, feeling him hit my spot perfectly. "There... There... Do it again... Fuck." I hiss, biting my lips and closing my eyes shut. "Oh, you like it there? Your little pussy is spasming around my cock... You like my cock hitting there?" He asks me, the smirk in his face evident in his voice. "Kiss me..." I demand, craving him more than anything I have ever craved.

He leans down, planting his lips on mine sloppily, running his tongue across my teeth. He continues fucking me, his hips slamming on mine as he keeps thrusting on the same spot as I tighten around him. My body tingles, toes curling and nails digging in his skin as I cum, biting his bottom lip. "Fuck... Oh God, oh fuck..." I mumble, my voice breaking at the end. "I am going to cum... I am going to fucking cum... You are squeezing so fucking tight around me..." He chants, pounding on me with force and vigor. He feels rock hard inside me, sending more pleasure through my body. "Cum... Please cum, daddy." I nearly scream the plea, feeling my eyes brim with tears. "I... I wanna... I... Fucking hell..." He utters, spilling inside me and throwing his head back, grounding his hips onto mine.

I walk back into my bedroom after cleaning up, finding Ashton with the biggest smile on his face. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?" I ask, wrapping myself in a romp. "Ever had sex so good you want to start screaming shit like God is real during an orgasm?" He asks me as I crawl onto my bed and head to curl up on him. "Is that philosophical? Or maybe rhetoric?" I ask and he hums for a second. "No, it is actually what was going on in my brain while I was inside you. I kept going like "God is real, so freaking real". I dreamt about it for so long and it finally happened." He explains, running his fingers down my arm. "I was actually thinking when it would be over... So I could have you again, and again, and again." I reply, pressing a kiss on his chest, chest below the part his necklace ends. "Give me half an hour, and I can go at it again." He states and I giggle. "No, I am sore... I didn't think something so good would make me feel sore after..." I groan. "I love you." He mumbles, sighing. His chest rises and falls calmly, and his lips curl into a smile. "Ooh, take me out on a date first, dude." I decide to tease him, sitting up a little to be on eye level with him. He looks at me totally petrified, which makes me burst into laughter. "I love you... Perks of dating your best friend... No need to do the whole awkward dating thing before you actually realize you love or hate that person. And I love you, even though you are kind of a broody, pain in my fucking ass. Screw that, I love you because you are a kind of a broody pain in my fucking ass. Among other things." I reply, leaning down to peck on his lips. "I can't wait to tell Calum how wrong he was." He sighs, stroking my cheek. "I can't wait to punch Calum in the face for keeping you away from me." I take his hand in mine, lacing our fingers together. "Cute little bumblebee turns violent." He chuckles, making me look at him in confusion. "Bumblebee?" I ask and he hums. "Yeah, cause you are cute and buzzing and you go insane over flowers. Bumblebee..." He points out, making me smile. "I can get used to that..." I relax back on his chest, pressing my ear right over his heart.

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flying-elliska · 4 years ago

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Skam France Season 6 Review

It’s that time, I guess. My feelings are, like many, mixed. I think I enjoyed the season more than most people here, but the ending was a massive let down. Overall it boils down to this : Skam France is great at moments and very bad at structure. A lot of my issues with the season is what is not in it. I saw so much potential that never quite materialized, and it left me frustrated. At the same time, Lola is a really cool character, her arc is really interesting, her relationship with her sister is one of the best things they’ve ever done, and the actors killed it. Loved La Mif, discovering other sides of Eliott, the urbex backgrounds, and Maya. A lot of fascinating character moments. This is definitely my second favorite season after s3 - at times I even thought it would equal it. Sadly, though, Skam France will remain a bit of a one hit wonder for me. Because they are so good at bringing up problems in a nuanced layering way - be it addiction, grief, eating disorders, internalized ableism, racist microagressions - but when it comes to resolving what they brought up, they default towards a ‘let’s all be nice to each other, hug or kiss, love saves the day yay !’ story. Which is, when you claim to deal with real world issues, simplistic, immature, and at times quite offensive. It works for s3, which is at its core a tale of self-discovery, self-acceptance and romance. But niceness doesn’t solve racism, and family problems aren’t solved with a hug, and addiction recovery doesn’t hinge on having someone to kiss, and the series came dangerously close to implying that at times.

All in all, this is a show that often manages to be both brilliant and terrible at the same time. At least it’s not dull.

Positives/Negatives/Meh breakdown :

Positives :

- Sisterly love : My favorite thing without a doubt is the relationship between Lola and Daphné. Flavie and Lula killed it. Almost all the clips that made me cry were the ones with the both of them in it. At the beginning their rivalry is so relatable to me : the responsible sibling who takes on too much burdens and is too controlling and parentified vs. the problem sibling who acts out to express the issues the rest of the family are repressing - i have been in both of those spots. you can see how they slowly realize that the gap between them didn’t need to be there, that it wasn’t their fault, that it was the result of their parent’s bullshit and even shittier circumstances. seeing them make little gestures to recognize each other’s pain, to nurture each other, to give each other support, but also to tell each other some unpleasant truths, was so incredibly powerful. Relationships between sisters can be just so...complex, and loving, and petty, and jealous, and supportive, and feral, and annoying, and understanding, and ugh, they made me feel all of that and more. I have a sister, and I have a relationship like that with her, and this season gave me some very important perspectives. Really, relationships between women aren’t explored enough, and this season really did this one thing excellently and if only for that, it deserves to be watched. That moment where Lola talks to Daphné about her self destructive tendencies...so important. I am so happy that Daphné was the one finding Lola in her tower of solitude, and the moment where she says ‘you pay too much attention to what other people think, Lola’ was the emotional turning point of the season for me, because it was Daphné recognizing Lola really cared behind her mask of coldness, but also that she was hurt by that and that she needed to love herself regardless of the love her parents didn’t give her ; and also that she heard Lola saying it to her and that it inspired her too, so there is this amazing reciprocity. It was so powerful, I’m still reeling from it. And it was a beautiful full circle from the beginning of the season.

- Family of outsiders : the urbex gang was such a wonderful new group this season. It was bound to be tricky getting us to like this new generation, and I think they did a pretty good job. Even tho I wish we got to know them a bit more, they were all intriguing and interesting on their own, and the vibes of Lamif as a whole were just so fun and lovely. Loved the neuroatypical vibes I got from Sekou and Jo. Love that they introduced a trans guy character. Loved Maya as group mom. And seeing them warm up to Lola was really sweet. The social media of them hanging out was more or less the only good social media we got this season lmao. The urbex thing was a great symbol for Lola finding a home with the outcasts, a bit on the fringe of society, and the start of acceptance, of bringing her in from the cold. Maya and Lola’s relationship fit in that really nicely, especially the bits about them talking about their shared experiences of grief, and my favorite scenes with them is showing Lola that her scars can be beautiful and that her rough experiences are part of who she is. The way she didn’t take Lola’s bullshit was great, and even tho I think their relationship was rushed, overall they really fit well together. Love Maya’s character as a concept in general, this funky purple haired lesbian environmentalist with amazing sense of style, and I really hope we see her again in upcoming seasons. And finally, I also really liked Eliott and Lola’s friendship (except for the ending) - the fact that they understand this darkness that they share, but that Eliott has succeded in climbing over it, and so he can give Lola support, understanding, guidance. I loved that we got to hear a bit more of his perspective on mental illness, the good and the bad times, that we saw his passion for movies become more real. I loved the fact that they bonded over creative things and photography, too, and that she found a safe space in the video store. And even tho it wasn’t resolved properly, the scene where he comes to get her and punches Aymeric really made me cry. Also, BASILE. Best bro in law ever. Their scenes together were so homey and warm and sweet. They will have such a good relationship in time. Overall, I really like how central friendship was in this season, shown as so powerful and important. They could have done more with it but I love a lot of what we got. I am just a sucker for found family, man.

- Lola herself : I know she was a controversial character right from the start. She’s been called manipulative, selfish, out of control, toxic. And honestly at times...maybe she was a bit. I still love her. She is just so interesting to me. The lack of compassion towards her in the fandom was seriously depressing at times, and often felt like a symptom of something I’ve seen in a lot of different fandoms, ie the capacity to only tolerate moral ambiguity when it’s attached to attractive white male characters - and to only tolerate mental illness symptoms when they can be romanticized. In the end, she’s a struggling teen from a deeply dysfunctional family who’s had a very rough life, of course she’s not going to be well adjusted. All in all, I think she’s so brave, and she is a fighter. I adored her feral energies in the trailer. I also really liked her blunt honesty at times, even if it was sometimes hurtful and excessive. I think because I have the opposite tendency to be afraid to speak my mind, I really dig a character who isn’t afraid to speak the ugly truth. Even though, again, ‘the truth’ isn’t always cut and clear, and what Lola is often doing instead is listening to ‘depression voice’ who tells her to believe the worst in people. I find that fascinating, because in my experience, yes, depression comes with this terrible lucidity that makes you see through a lot of bullshit but at the same time, is distorting your perspective because of fear and shame, and kicking that, and disentangling your perception from that fatalism, is very complicated. I loved how genuine she was, how mature too sometimes through the pain, more mature than she should have been. It was rough watching her relapse, but I think the portrayal of addiction was pretty very well done overall, not romanticized and explained in a very coherent way. I wish the show had given her a bit more of a clearer view of her inner thoughts towards the end and let her apologize a bit more. And a clearer realisation that her parent’s lack of well expressed love didn’t doom her. But...yeah Following her really made me question my own - more hidden - self destructive impulses, linked to family shit, that pushes me to sabotage and isolate myself. Like Eliott said to her - it’s really a lifelong struggle. I think overall her arc was pretty satisfying, learning to step away from the edge, letting people in, seeing that she isn’t alone, accepting she deserves better and that her failures don’t doom her. That it is about getting up and trying again. Love her using her mother’s camera and wanting to get a phoenix tattoo, a perfect symbol for her. Also Flavie was amazing, she’s got a bright future ahead.

Negatives :

- No follow up to the assault storyline : The thing that I am, without any single doubt, most mad about, is the fact they didn’t bring up the sexual assault again. Along with Charles’ rape apologism, this creates a very dubious pattern of trivializing the issue ‘as long as it’s not real rape’. The fact that the morning after immediately turns to Elu drama is what sort of started my disconnect from the season, and the fact that they don’t bring it up afterwards even once made me angry. I think Lola, before going back to the hospital, should have told someone about the abuse she endured there, and should have told someone about Aymeric, even if only to acknowledge she wants to be done with that part of her life. Aymeric is like...Lola’s biggest villain, in a sense, he is a horrible predator but he also somehow represents her worst impulses, that part of herself that tells her she doesn’t deserve better, and I think that as a character, he was interesting, and he should have been adressed/exorcised better. If Lola was a real person, of course, she would probably have to deal with this in therapy, down the line, later, but as a story, never adressing this again left it unfinished. And this is really the kind of event you NEED catharsis and resolution for. Otherwise, it’s irresponsible.

- A generally overstuffed and disjointed structure : My biggest problems with this season are about what isn’t and what isn’t it. I liked most of the clips, I don’t have an issue with them going dark, strangely enough, but the way they were put together was just...messy. Like many people have said, too much stuff not properly adressed. Palm of most annoyingly useless subplot, the whole Tiff thing. Yes, it was cool comparing her clique to Lamifex and Lola realizing she wants nothing to do with those shallow fake bitches. Sekou hacking her account to replace it with pigeons, amazing. After that though, it should have been DONE, and in general, it should have taken a lot less time and attention. Comparing Tiff’s social media addiction to Lola’s issues felt like some trivializing bullshit. The whole thing was just so annoying. It would have been good if it had led to some discussion of social inequality but like...not this shit. Char, equally useless (although, cool actress, cool style). Another MASSIVE problem is the lack of follow through on big clips. A great thing about SKAM, usually, is that it shows you the aftermath of big moments - characters lying in bed, cuddling, talk to their friends, crying in the shower, etc. It allows the viewer to breathe and really get into the character’s perspective, to be comforted and process drama, and for the emotions to resonate better, to have space to develop richly. Here...we had Lola brush off her assault, we saw nothing after Daphné got her back from the tower thinking she could have killed herself, we learned that they had money problems and the father didn’t go to work and then that was never adressed again and the light was turned back on by magic (????), we saw Eliott go on a major bender and didn’t really see how he got better, etc. Big lack of introspective clips in the latter part of the season took me out of Lola’s head. It was all stressful and breathless, all intensity and no pause like one grating high pitch note instead of music, it felt oppressive, with poor contrast, and very badly paced. It made everything blur together and feel less relevant. The problem with that is it really takes you out of the story ; it’s hard to care when you know whatever is happening might not have a resolution, and it doesn’t put you in the shoes of the character. This was compounded by how mediocre the social media was, when it is usually used to bridge in the gaps. And then to finish : the structure was so uneven, especially in the second part of the season. Towards the middle we had some very short episodes with very underwhelming endings, and Vendredis that felt like non events, and there wasn’t a lot happening - and then, bam, ep 9, drama overload, almost like misery p*rn, and then a super rushed resolution in ep 10. Like they cared more about twists and giving the opposite of what was expected instead of solid coherent narrative and rhythm. The romantic back and forth felt repetitive as hell too. All in all, it made for a very unsatisfying live watching experience, pretty sure anyone who didn’t watch live would like it a lot more.

- The last two episodes : Really, I could have overlooked all the problems with the season if they had given us a good ending, but...they really really didn’t. And contrasted with last season, where my problems were focused on the middle, for me the ending is really the worst part of this season. I didn’t dislike the controversial club clips, I liked having the insight into Eliott’s insecurities, but they should never have brought those up if they weren’t going to let him adress them properly. Having everything go to shit in Lola’s life at once felt like overkill - they really should have solved those problems earlier, and then dealt with a few ones properly, showed us Lola freaking out on her own, and taken out the bullshit at the high school. Thierry slapping her was also too much, he could just have said these clumsy things. She could have distanced herself from Maya instead of pushing her away again. Also, they really should have had this happen in episode 8 again, and given us a proper resolution. While the tower sequence was incredibly powerful, I pretty much liked nothing after that. It was so annoying that Eliott brushed off Lola’s apology because while he wasn’t wrong that he decided to get drunk himself, she still needed to apologize and actually state that she wanted to get better so she didn’t hurt her friends, so as a resolution it was very mediocre. Thierry recognizing they should have given Lola the choice to go the hospital was a step but really not enough. And the moments with Maya were cute sure but mostly cheesy and unearned. Same for the ending clip. Mostly it’s such an unsatisfying farewell to the old generation, and it really feels like they wanted us to force to move on - didn’t want to properly recognize the end of an era, gave us almost nothing about their BAC or their future plans, etc etc. Also, letting Charles talk and having Arthur and Alexia kiss again ? SO BAD. UGH. I will be forever disappointed they didn’t give us a Multi POV or at least sth better on social media. And not having Eliott’s POV or at least a real Elu conversation (pretty much all season...) so frustrating I will never not be bitter about that. So yeah. The season started so powerfully but went out with a whimper instead of a bang. That whole ‘romantic love solves everything!!!’ shtick...very undercooked tbh.

Meh :

- Mayla’s development : I wanted to stan them SO BAD. Like, wlw in skam (that doesn’t turn into a panphobic mess?) YES, all the way yes. Maya and Lola had great chemistry, great dynamic. I loved their first few clips, the kind of confrontational flirting, the boldness, it was like...damn girls ! we love a non useless lesbian ! But...somewhere along the way, their relationship really suffered from the wacky plot structure. They should have shown us more bonding before we got to the angsting (esp during first urbex night). Also, their first kiss was sweet but I hated the ‘you’re my addiction’ line and that kind of put a damper on it. I liked the scenes where they open up about difficult things, the love Maya showed to Lola’s scars, the dandelion symbolism was lovely, but it wasn’t balanced enough with other stuff, and I felt Maya was way too stoic at times. And I really, really didn’t like the ending, honestly. They kept a good balance all season showing Lola wasn’t relying entirely on romantic love, that her family and friends were also important - but saying ‘i’m okay as long as you’re here’ at the end...honestly that sounds unhealthy and codependent as fuck. I really wish they’d done a more subtle, taking it slow ending for them.

- The financial issues : Again a storyline with much potential that wasn’t dealt with properly. It’s really good that we got a main that wasn’t from an economically priviledged background. Especially it felt very relevant to Daphné’s storyline, with the shame she felt at her friends seeing her place, the pressure to make it work, tying into her ED, etc etc. But cutting off the power, the father not working going nowhere...it’s like the plotline meandered and then vanished into thin air. Instead of that, they could have given us a scene of Daphné freaking out over the bills like in OG w Vilde, keeping the focus on her for that plot because she’s the most affected ; and then in the end of the season the father taking them over from her and telling her he’s found another job and that those things shouldn’t be her responsibility. That would have been relevant, instead of just...a loose end.

- Family issues : The Lecomte family dynamic seemed fascinating to me at the start. The mom being this shadowy complicated figure. The inability of the father to deal with anything. Daphné being parentified, Lola becoming the symptom child. They could have done a lot with this, but in the end, it felt like it was brushed aside too easily by saying the mom sent letters so she wasn’t too bad and Thierry is making breakfast so he’s trying. Not enough. I wanted them to let Lola acknowledge she deserved better and that their parent’s crap wasn’t on her. That her mom should have looked for help and the other two shouldn’t have pretended everything was okay. In general, there is way too much pressure to overlook toxic parent behavior and I wish they’d been clearer about this.

- Mental health portrayal : Some parts of it were really good. Showing Daphné’s ED, letting Eliott talk about his episodes and relapses, showing some of the dark sides of depression and addiction. They just needed to show more of the recovery, because that is often the representation that they lacked the most. I don’t blame them for showing the bad sides of the mental healhcare system (which is terribly outdated and dysfunctional in France, I’m speaking from experience) but they should have shown the good too. Like do they find recovery boring or something ? Because as a person w MI, that’s actually what I’m dying to see, and they’ve been a real letdown in that department. I also think they should have acknowledged that the Lecomte family has mental issues as a whole, that the mother should have gotten help, and the father probably needs it too (still think they should have gone to therapy as a group lol).

- Elu and Eliott’s development : Honestly, not a big fan of how they wrote Lucas in s5&s6, in a lot of clips he was the angry guy with a temper, I miss s4 Lucas who was so compassionate and showed real growth and emotional intelligence. Here it just felt like they were fitting his character to plot needs, and it’s so sad for a character who had such an amazing story development. Now, I loved the glimpses of domestic Elu we got, how Axel and Maxence really showed the intimacy that had grown between them, they really felt married with all the nonverbal conversations and touches, that was sweet. But it’s so annoying that they hinted at Lucas’s insecurities and Eliott’s lack of communications and just brushed it away with ‘oh they love each other they will be okay’ sure bitch but then show us how ? that’s the interesting stuff ? it really feels sometimes like the writer(s) didn’t like how strongly the fans focused on the romance when they wanted to be talking about MATURE dark stuff not that frilly fluffy romance shit *eyeroll* male writers who think they’re above that stuff is so annoying as is the conflating of dark and mature - anyway. Again I liked seeing Eliott in his element this season, he is really thriving, with his movie and the video store, and that made me very happy. I don’t think it’s unrealistic he didn’t make a lot of friends in uni - French university can be so isolating, there isn’t a campus or a vibrant social life like in the US, it’s a very common experience to feel lost and isolated for newbies and it was also my case - but ? Sofiane ? Idriss ??? They could have found a better excuse to implicate Lamifex in the movie making tbh, like Jo egging him on about her passion for directing or whatever, and Sofiane could have been there chilling with them it would have been so cool. I just wish Eliott would have had more of an arc like Daphné did. It wouldn’t have taken much, and since he is my favorite character, I will never not be disappointed at all the wasted potential.

Yeah so in the end i think this was a very good story they didn’t entirely give themselves the right storytelling tools to tell. Like there is something in the way they prioritize certain moments over others that...I just find very frustrating and weird. So...flawed, but still very interesting overall.

#skam france #skamfr s6 #lola lecomte #mayla

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justsomevoltronstuff · 4 years ago

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Hi, so since you said you do emergency request this is kinda an emergency request if this topic makes you uncomfortable than you can skip it so I have depression and Anxiety along with other mental health problems. I’ve cut for a long time to try and cope and over the last year I have been trying to stop. I recently relapsed after like a month or so of being clean. Can I have a Keith x f!reader where he helps her through something similar? I’m kinda disappointed in myself and just i don’t know:(

so it’s official, I’m horrible at the emergency part of emergency requests😔✌️ I’m so so sorry this took so long

for the sake of getting something to you ASAP I did headcanons, but I’ve already started working on a fic and I’ll hopefully have that out this week but I’ve been working for two days straight and the job will go on a few more days so🤞🤞🤞

I’m placing this below a keep reading because of trigger warning purposes. PLEASE be careful reading this if the topic is something that triggers you💜

you didn’t really like talking about it

you kinda just found a spot in the castle and hid whenever no one needed you and prayed no one would come looking for you

this was something you’ve been handling on your own for so long that you couldn’t even imagine someone else knowing

one day you had gone slightly too long

you were practically itching with the need of feeling that release

as soon as you were all dismissed from an important meeting, you booked it to your spot

carefully tho cause you didn’t wanna be followed

but not carefully enough cause you were followed

Keith found you balled up in your safe corner, bloody and crying

the second you were made aware of his presence, you quickly attempted to hide your bare marked skin and wipe away the tears

his heart absolutely broke at the sight

you’re his girl

(dating or just friends, either way you‘re still extremely important to him)

you’re his girl and you’re doing this to yourself and none of them knew and-

he kinda lowkey (highkey) spirals as he pieces together all the times you’d sneak off or when you’d panic when your sleeves rolled up just a little too high or all the times he’d catch you rummaging for bandages

he started piecing together how this wasn’t the first time

he slowly crouched in front of you and grasped your shoulders, his eyes full of concern

you just immediately try to explain yourself or you try to curl in even deeper on yourself

you think he’s gonna think of you differently now, maybe even think you’re weak or abandon you entirely

all your worst nightmares flashing through your mind with the endless possibilities of how your little secret getting out would effect the good thing you had going

you came back to your sense as Keith pulled his hands of your shoulders and sat down next to you

you peeked up a little when he called your name

when he noticed he had your attention he slowly raised the sleeves of his jacket

you’re eyes widen as you slowly leaned forward and gently traced small scars littering his skin

you looked up at him, his eyes filled with all kinds of emotions

“did- did you stop?”

your voice was shakey, every part of you buzzing with nervous energy

he shook his head “not for a long time, I still relapse every once in a while.”

that kinda just deflated you a little as you curled back into yourself again

“but, no where near as much as I used to. wanna know my nifty secret?”

the whole thing was not a happy situation, but he tried really hard to keep his side of it as light as possible to keep the weight of it all from crushing the both of you

you nodded and he smiled gently before pulling a beige bracelet off his wrist

he motioned for your hand and you gave it to him, he put the bracelet -which you now recognized as a rubber band not a bracelet- on your wrist

you looked up at his with a smile dancing on your lips but confusion oozing from you

“whenever you get the urge, just snap it lightly. it’s not quite the same, but it helps in time.”

you slowly took the band and tugged it some before releasing it against your skin

it was a familiar comforting pain, but a whole lot safer

you thanked him and expected him to leave, but he didn’t

the two of you sat there, in your secret spot, for the next few hours

swapping stories, opening up about the hard things, just talking

you were still far from healed, but healing will take time, and that’s okay

and it’s important to remember that you’re never gonna be better immediately

everything comes with time, and there’s always a sunrise after a long, cold, dark night

~Admin Rori💜

{ps: I’m also a person who has cut before, I spent years too depressed to do any of my favorite things, I felt like everything was too crushing to try to do, all my coping mechanisms got extremely enhanced and it was a very dark time for me. idk if you’ve tried the rubber band thing before or not, but personally I have been clean for three years and two months now, I started with the rubber band and hitting that thing as hard as possible and still to this day I wear a rubber band at all times, whenever I feel I’m spiraling again I just snap myself and it grounds me back to reality. I don’t want you to feel disappointed in yourself, because healing takes so long, and the fact that you’re trying to heal is proof of how damn strong you are. I believe in you. Please, let me know if you ever need to talk to someone or if there’s anything at all I can do to help, healing takes time, and having people in your corner definitely helps as well. I’m in your corner babe, I’m rooting for you, stay strong my darling.}

{pps: I know this is kinda trash and I’m so sorry for that, but I promise I’ll have something better out soon}

#keith kogane x reader #voltron headcanons #voltron legendary defender #voltron #keith kogane #voltron x reader #keith x reader #admin rori #trigger warnings

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anartofblooming · 4 years ago

Text

The Perils of Digital Escapism and the Power of a Digital Detox

Disclaimer: this is my own personal experience with digital escapism and I hope that sharing this experience might serve others who’ve gone through something similar, especially at a time where most of us are locked down because of COVID-19. I’m not claiming one size fits all.

It’s been about six months since I’d relapsed into a deepened state of depression. After a series of challenging events, I was incredibly overwhelmed. At the time, I didn’t have it in me to go through the pain of processing my emotions and, as a result, I withdrew into the numbing world of my phone. I felt safe there, mindlessly playing games for hours on end, but it was a false sense of safety. The more I withdrew into my device, the harder it became for me to function and enjoy the things I once used to.

Tasks like brushing my teeth, showering, and keeping my space clean became progressively daunting, let alone handling the greater responsibilities of adulthood. Overeating food without actually tasting it magnified the numbing effect, so I gained 16 kilos over a span of four months. I felt so uncomfortable in my own body, my need to withdraw grew stronger. I barely engaged with my partner, friends and family. I essentially became a sad potato that would migrate from my bed to the couch every single day for those months.

This was deadening me inside. I wanted to withdraw more privately, to ease the guilt I felt when I was seen in my vegetative state. So, I slept throughout most of the day and spent most of my nights wide awake. The lack of sunlight, in turn, made my depression worse. I was quickly heading down through the vortex of a downward spiral and I knew that, if I kept going through this vortex, my suffering would ultimately become much worse.

The Perils of Digital Escapism

1. It prolongs recovery unnecessarily

The longer I escaped, the harder it was for me to bounce back and practice healthier habits. It IS doable, but I had to jump through more hoops and my path to recovery was unnecessarily extended.

2. It can take a toll on the body

The mindless activity of escaping into a device lead me to mindlessly eat too. Mindless eating leads to weight gain. The more I escaped into my devices, the more I became sedentary. I became more prone to painful infections, developed severe GI issues and sleep apnea, became a pre-diabetic and, to my disbelief, began experiencing internal bleeding that made me anemic. I felt trapped inside my own body. Every movement became uncomfortable and strenuous.

3. It exacerbates mental illness

The state of my mental health became worse. The minor benefit I got from retreating into the world in my device was akin to placing a bandaid on an amputation. It doesn’t work. In the same way that poorly dealing with an amputation can result in bleeding to death, dealing poorly with a mental illness can have horrible results.

4. Self esteem takes a hit

Failing to take care of myself made me feel guilty and ashamed. Then, not processing those feelings only made them fester. I’d think, “wow, I’m so useless, worthless, pathetic, etc. etc. etc.” To no surprise, this negative self talk made my depression worse.

5. Relationships suffer

I was barely engaging with my partner, friends and family. I can say, with confidence, that this was the worst side effect of digital escapism for me. I felt lonely, isolated and disconnected from the world.

6. Purpose and meaning are stripped

The days blended into one another and I lost my sense of meaning and purpose. I had no reason to wake up in the morning, but went through the motions anyway. This created a nihilistic undertone that cast a shadow on my life, stoking a small flame of anxiety into a raging fire.

7. Sleep loses its quality

My sleep became irregular, further exacerbating my physical, mental, and emotional suffering. On the outside, I was motionless but, on the inside, I was restless. This made my anxiety worse.

It was time to make a change.

I unsubscribed from all my streaming services, deleted the games on my phone and placed restrictions on my social media apps using an app blocker. I let my partner set the password so I couldn’t go back and surrender to the temptation of my devices when I felt anxious. I entered the process of a digital detox and the positive change this created for me was monumental.

The Power of a Digital Detox

1. The discomfort of zero distractions motivates productivity

Because I couldn’t escape or distract myself anymore, I had to fill my days with other activities; specifically, those activities I avoided in my digital escape. I used the two minute rule for anything I found daunting. Washing dishes? I put a two minute timer on and gave myself permission to stop when it went off. Responding to an email? Two minutes to start my draft. Brushing my hair? Two minutes. What ended happening is this: once I started I, more often than not, finished the task working past the two minute mark. It was much easier than I had perceived it to be before starting. If I was having a really bad day, I still accomplished my two minutes and that felt good, even if I only did a single two minute task that day.

2. Couch potatoes become sweet potatoes

I began to move more. It’s boring to sit on a couch all day without the distraction of a phone or the television. I began making to do lists for myself and moved around inside the house. I even began to go for short walks outside, something which was previously very daunting for me. All the weight I’d gained began to drop and with it my health issues began to diminish as well.

3. Mental health improves

I began to take more interest in things again, like learning, drawing, and writing. I was listening to audiobooks while cleaning and taught myself new skills, like how to start a solid fire in a Norwegian Winter.

4. Self esteem improves

Becoming productive as a result of my digital detox made me feel good about myself. I was accomplishing things and this made me feel useful, worthy, competent, etc. etc. etc. I was motivated to treat myself well as a result. The more I treated myself with respect, self compassion and self care, the more confident I felt.

5. Relationships improve

began to engage more with my loved ones. This made me feel more connected to the world. I started laughing more often, relating to others and forming new memories. The feeling of connection was the most powerful benefit of my digital detox.

6. There’s more focus on self care I began to connect with my body in a nurturing way. I’d dance with my partner as we cooked in the kitchen, I’d apply body lotion to enjoy its feeling and scent, and I began to take pleasure in brushing my hair until it felt silky. I sought to feel good in ways that were healthy for me.

7. Purpose and meaning is discovered once more

I became more intentional with how I spent each day, and this was reviving. I then took a step further by setting my intentions for the next day by writing them down the night before. Over time, I started to feel more excited about my life and what I could do with it.

8. Sleep improves

My sleep became more regular, giving me a bit more energy to take on the process of recovery. I started feeling more rested and relaxed. My energy began to replenish itself.

I Didn’t Forgo Technology Altogether

Rather, I am using it more purposefully now. I use my phone to catch up with friends and family, as well as make shopping lists for my trips to the grocery store. On my laptop, I’m working on writing my book, research, and creating this blog, and the television is solely reserved for movie time with my partner and step son. I do still use social media, but I’ve tailored my app blockers to only give me access for an hour a day, starting at 6:30pm after dinner and ending at 7:30pm. Disconnecting from distracting apps is allowing me to reconnect with the world and this is the radical self care I needed to become proactive in my healing journey.

#love #self love #mental health #instagood #follow #life #coronavirus #quarantine #new #followme #explorepage #healingjourney #lifestyle #explore #repost #winter #2021vision #2021goals #2021challenge

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compassionatereminders · 4 years ago

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Ok so, I'd really appreciate your input on this. After going through a very hard break up, I cut out all my friends. I started ignoring them, didn't really hangout with them and just stuck to myself. My best friend knew I was going through some shit and she tried her best to stick by me but I was ignoring her too. She would ask me again and again if she'd done something wrong but I'd ignore her messages, tell her that nothing was wrong, that she was imagining me ignoring and her and everything. It came to a point where I even blocked her because I didn't want to talk to her. Nobody else really reached out to me, but to be honest all they knew was that I went through a break up, but not that I was so upset about it

Fast forward to after summer break, I no longer talk to them. I sit alone in all my classes, and that's it. They no longer try to invite me, and neither does my ex best friend. I thought things were ok, but I was still sinking then.

When I realized how horribly I'd treated all of them, I apologized to them individually, and very sincerely. I wrote my best friend a letter expressing my sorrow, and guilt. How I treated her like absolute trash and how sorry I was about it. I poured my heart out. She said she accepts my apology and that everything is fine between us.

During quarantine, I've relapsed to my ed and depression. I try very hard to talk to all of them, reach out and just make connections but it seems like no one wants to talk to me. I text them and they never respond. They say they're busy or just talk in a way that makes me feel like they don't care

I know this is karma hitting back at me, and I deserve this.

What should I do?

First of all, I don't believe in karma and I don't believe that people who put in the effort to change for the better deserve to suffer endlessly. But it's true that once you damage a relationship it can be hard to repair. I won't deny that. So maybe things aren't as fine as they said at first and maybe that's okay. Have you considered seeking out some new acquaintances? That might be easier than trying to rebuild damaged friendships on top of dealing with your own mental health issues. What you did wasn't great and your friends might struggle to fully trust you again, so you may want to start over in some capacity. Or, if you fear you might repeat previous patterns despite good intentions, just focus on working on yourself for a while?

#chat with kat

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horansqueen · 5 years ago

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You & Me : chapter 27

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.3k - 4.6k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: fluff and smut. best combo yea? (gifs are horancover’s and i used 2 of them sooo thought id mention that!)

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : 2 requests! i love you for those i love them both so much!

Chapter 27 : His chapter

NIALL

She looked fantastic. The dress fell to her knees, tight around the waist but baggy as it fell down, sort of like a closed flower, and dyed of different pastel colors except for the top around her chest, pressing her boobs together in a white bustier.

"I look ridiculous." she whined, turning around in front of my mirror to see what it looked like from behind. "It looks like I have big tits when I seriously have none. It's also quite uncomfortable I mean, my boobs are practically on my neck!"

"Uhm, 'ridiculous' is not the word I would have chosen." I pointed out, staring at her reflection. "But if it reassures you I think your tits look amazing."

She groaned and hit my arm friendly, making me laugh.

"I hate my arms. I hate my belly. Fuck this body!" she let out as I moved closer.

"I gladly will." I just said, slipping my arms around her waist from behind and kissing her neck, letting my hands run on her stomach before it reached her boobs. "Should I do it right now or-"

"Niall, please, I look horrible."

I moved back up but remained behind her, looking at her in the mirror with a serious face. I thought she felt better about who she was and what she looked like but it seemed like she was having a short moment of relapse and it made me sadder than she probably thought.

"You've got the prettiest face in the world, and when you smile, I swear it makes my heart beat faster."

"I have crooked teeth, Niall."

"Hush. Let me talk." I quickly said. She rolled her eyes but I noticed a small smile playing on her lips. "I love your eyes and how they literally fucking sparkle when you laugh. I love you ears and how cute they are, and your neck, too because you always get goosebumps when I run my lips on it. I love your hair and how it falls on your back, and I love when you play with a lock at the front all the time, twisting it because you're nervous or embarrassed."

Her smile turned into a fond one and she pressed her lips together.

"Oh and your lips. They're thin, even when you pout, and I always want to kiss them, bite them or suck on them. I know you think bigger lips are sexier but your lips? They know how to suck on my tongue so well when we kiss, they're perfect. I love how fair your skin is, and how you can't tan for shit. I know those veins we can see so clearly really bother you but I love them." I smiled and she laughed. "I love your breasts and how they fit perfectly in my hands, and that tummy that you seem to hate so much?" I let my hand reach her stomach and she sucked it in again. "There's no reason for you to do that." I waited and she finally breathed out. "Thank you." I whispered, pulling her closer to me. "I fucking love your belly. And all your stretch marks. And all your moles. Anything you seem to think is an imperfection makes you perfect."

She smiled a bit but looked down and I could swear I saw her roll her eyes. I slipped my other arm around her and grabbed her dress gently, pulling it up. I knew she wanted to stop me but she was curious about what I was doing and instead, she held her breath.

"I love your thighs." I just let out as she grimaced, pulling her dress down again and sighing.

"I don't. I hate them. And my hips, too."

I ran my hands on her waist and to her hips and sent her a smile. "Do you know how much you glow, Olivia? Yea, you gained weight, and you look incredible. You looked good then, you look good now, and you're so hard on yourself sometimes. If only I could make you see yourself through my eyes."

She stared at me with a serious face through the mirror for a few seconds, her lips parted, and I stared right back, holding her against me.

"What are you gonna do in a few years, Niall, when you'll be stuck making love to this body instead of shagging a tight and skinny one?"

"Tell myself I'm the luckiest man in the world." I whispered close to her ear before she closed her eyes. "I love you."

Quickly, she turned around and wrapped her arms around my neck as I wrapped mine tighter around her. Her lips found mine quickly and the way she kissed me was deep and intense... so intense that I felt my whole body throb. I brought my hand to the back of her dress and moved the zipper down. I thought she'd push me away but she let me and quickly, I ran my lips on her neck and shoulder, making her whimper. I was almost to her left breast when her phone started ringing. I groaned a bit when I realized it was one of my songs and moved back to look in her eyes.

"Mirrors?" I asked with a frown, not really sure why she had picked this song specifically.

"Mmhm," she nodded slowly. "It's a song that really helped me through my depression."

I brought my hands to cup her face and kissed her again as we both heard my voice in the background. It felt a bit weird but when her phone stopped ringing, mine started immediately after. I groaned and pulled away, checking the caller and sighing.

"It's Louis." I just informed before picking up. "Hey mate, what's wrong?"

"What's wrong? I've called your girlfriend and she's not answering! We're waiting for both of you!" I heard him honk from outside my house and saw Liv zipping her dress back next to me.

"She's not my girlfriend, Louis, and you know it."

"Who cares? It's just a matter of time, but anyway, that's not the problem. The problem is we'll be late so you both dress back quickly and hurry the fuck up!"

Without giving me time to answer, he hung up and I chuckled, rolling my eyes. I turned to Olivia and she tilted her head, her eyes running on me and making me frown, a smile still on my lips.

"What?"

"I was so focused on how bad I looked to notice how fucking good you look." she pointed out. "It's a shame. You make me want to masturbate."

I let out a laugh, shutting my eyes tight and bringing my hand over them. I was going to answer something when Louis honked again and we both jumped slightly.

"Come on, let's go."

Without thinking, I stretched my arm and she looked at my hand that was clearly waiting for her. She bit her bottom lip but I still saw a small smile on her lips. Quickly, I brought my hand back and shook my head, closing my eyes for a second.

"I'm sorry."

I felt her fingers grab mine and she got on her tiptoe to kiss me and squeezed my hand. I smiled against her lips and she took a few steps back, sending me a big smile and walking backwards until her fingers slipped out of mine.

"He's gonna be pissed." she explained with a chuckle as I followed her outside.

"Fuck you two are looking good!" Louis exclaimed making her laugh as we sat in the back seat. "Who picked that dress for you, Liv? You look stunning!"

Olivia rolled her eyes with a smile. "Your girlfriend, Louis."

"Damn right she did, you look like a queen." he replied, turning to Eleanor and sending her a large smile. "You're the most amazing woman in the world." he added in a lower tone, making El laugh as she kissed him. "And the most beautiful, too."

"Gee thanks, Louis." Liv joked with a laugh. "At least you didn't say 'in this car'!"

"I could have as well! Because technically-"

"Shut up!" she laughed again.

"Hey, you've got your own prince charming today, you don't need me!"

My lips curled slightly and I turned again to look at her, noticing she was doing the same. Her gaze was soft and fond and it made me smile even more.

"Oh god, they're literally eye fucking on the backseat." I heard Louis whine, making Eleanor laugh.

"Why don't you drive and leave us alone, Louis?" I proposed, my eyes glued to Liv.

"Yea alright I'll leave you both at a bus stop, that's what I'll do!"

I felt Liv's fingers reach mind on the bench and smiled more as I gripped two of them, intertwining them with mine. It would be tough to stay away from her and it got even worse when we got there. I watched the whole ceremony while glancing at Olivia, wondering how she felt and if she was thinking about Dylan. I knew it was still tough for her and it would be for a while, but the way she seemed happier and less nervous now that they were not together anymore made me feel good in a way it shouldn't. I was not happy that she had to go through a break-up, but I was happy that it didn't affect her the way it could have, and I knew her well enough to be sure of what I saw. She was glowing, and it was even more obvious now that she was single.

The party was in a hotel and everyone was dancing. As the night went by, I couldn't help but notice that she was getting tipsy and when a slow song came on, I grabbed her hand and pulled her closer and away from Louis. I was still a bit jealous of what they had and although I tried not to compare my relationship with her to the relation she had with him, it was not easy.

Her eyes softened as soon as they met mine and something twisted in my stomach. It was tough to keep that jealous alive when she looked at me like that and I pulled her a bit closer, looking down at her.

"Can I have this dance?"

She chuckled low but tilted her head before sighing low.

"You can have all the dances, Niall, you know that right?"

I didn't. I was not sure where we stood, and I was not sure if she knew either. We were both just going with the flow, one day at a time, and although it was normally something I liked, I couldn't hide that this time, it made me a bit anxious. I didn't know if we would ever get back together, and I didn't know what I'd do if we didn't. Of course, I know pain ends up being less intense with time, but I really felt like we were meant to be and if after so long without her, I never really stopped thinking about her, I feel like I never would.

I didn't want to pressure her, though, and there was no way I would mention it or push her to decide. If she needed time, I'd give her time, but there was still this constant fear inside me that I had fucked this up so bad over a year ago and that it would never come back.

I kept my mouth shut and pulled her closer as she brought her arms around my neck and I recognized the song that was playing. It was one of the few english songs I remember hearing in her house when we were kids. Most of the time, her mother listened to french singers but Bon Jovi had been a big part of her childhood and I heard her chuckle low in my hear.

"I love this song." she whispered, making me smile.

From hearing it so often at her place, I knew it almost by heart, and it was honestly a miracle I still remembered the lyrics after all these years. I moved the side of my head against her and heard her let out a short whimper and I couldn't help but whisper all the words I could remember to her.

"This Romeo is bleeding But you can't see his blood It's nothing but some feelings That this old dog kicked up

It's been raining since you left me Now I'm drowning in the flood You see I've always been a fighter But without you I give up

Now I can't sing a love song Like the way it's meant to be Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore But, baby, that's just me"

Her grip tighten slightly around my neck and I moved closer, brushing my lips against her ear to make sure she heard the chorus as I sang it in a murmur.

"And I will love you, baby, always And I'll be there forever and a day, always I'll be there 'til the stars don't shine 'Til the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme And I know when I die, You'll be on my mind And I'll love you always."

I held her closer and shut my eyes tight just to feel her body against mine. I knew we were surrounded by people but it felt like I was alone with her, and I never felt like that with anyone else.

"Now your pictures that you left behind Are just memories of a different life Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry One that made you have to say goodbye What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair To touch your lips, to hold you near When you say your prayers, try to understand I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near When he says the words you've been needing to hear I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine To say to you 'til the end of time"

Her fingers played with my hair and I closed my eyes, swallowing hard before the bridge. It was one thing to sing to her a song that I had written and it felt completely different to sing someone else's words, even if they seemed to fit so well with the feelings inside me.

"If you told me to cry for you I could If you told me to die for you I would Take a look at my face There's no price I won't pay To say these words to you"

She moved away as music kept playing and looked in my eyes. I could swear she was tearing up and somehow, I really wanted to kiss her. It took me all my strength not to as I tried to remember we were not alone even if it really felt like we were. I still stared in her eyes as he started singing again and I kept singing with him, bringing my forehead against hers but keeping my eyes open this time.

"Well, there ain't no luck In these loaded dice But, baby, if you give me just one more try We can pack up our old dreams and our old lives We'll find a place where the sun still shines"

I watched her press her lips together and I knew she was trying not to cry. I couldn't believe how deep I felt these words and somehow, I knew she felt them too. The chorus started again but I just pulled her closer to me, feeling my heartbeats accelerate as her lips came close to mine but I just moved my head up and kissed her forehead, pulling her closer until the music changed. The moment still felt intense and real even if everyone was now dancing on a pop song, throwing themselves around. Olivia was just looking at me, motionless, after she took a step back and after a few seconds, she tilted her head and raised her eyebrows. She turned around and left and I dived my hands in my pockets, looking around me to see if anyone was watching us and when I realize everyone was busy and drunk, I quickly followed her out of the room. She reached the bathroom hall and when I turned the corner, she grabbed my shirt, pulling me closer and getting on her tiptoes to kiss me. I felt her cold fingers slip accidentally through the buttons and reach my skin as I deepened the kiss, pushing her harder against the wall.

"Fuck, I love you." she whispered, allowing her mouth to leave mine only for a second.

"I love you more." I murmured, smiling against her mouth as she chuckled. "You're coming at my place after the party, aren't you?"

"Just to be sure I see you with this suit on for a few more minutes." she half-joked, making me laugh again.

I felt her teeth on my upper lip and she bit it a bit hard, making me groan.

"Are you trying to eat me up?" I laughed a bit, making her whimper again. "Watch it."

"Can't I?" she chuckled too before getting more serious. "Tell me you meant it."

I felt her hand reach between my legs and I groaned, moving my hips against her hand without thinking. "Every word."

I felt her grab the outline of my dick to stroke it and I let out a short moan.

"We can't do that here."

"Mm, I know, I just really wanted to touch you." she mentioned in an innocent voice before sucking on my bottom lip.

"Now I have to go to the bathroom and wait a few minutes to cool down." I complained, making her laugh again.

"I'll wait for you on the dance floor, then."

With a big smile, she pulled away and licked her lips, moving past me and walking back to the party, turning to me mid-way and sending me a satisfied smile. I shook my head and chuckled, leaning my forehead against the wall and waiting until I was good to go back. When I got there, she was dancing with Louis and he was making her twirl around as she laughed. I stared at them for a few seconds and finally sighed, noticing Eleanor sitting a bit further and typing something on her phone. I walked up and sat next to her, catching her attention. She put her phone on the table and reached for my upper arm, squeezing it tightly for a few seconds.

"You alright?"

I nodded and glanced at Olivia and Louis as he pulled on her arms and took her in a hug, swaying her from left to right and making her laugh even more.

"Yea, i'm good."

"Not jealous because of them, are you?"

The left corner of my upper lip moved in a grimace and it made El start laughing.

"I've never known you to be so insecure!" she admitted, laughing some more.

"It's just.. do you see how close they are? I mean you know... you know they actually..."

The words got stuck in my throat and I sighed, shaking my head and closing my eyes. It was ridiculous, I knew it, but at the same time, I couldn't shake this feeling.

"Oh yea, I know they had sex a few times." she nodded and finally shrugged. "I don't like it but at the same time I haven't been that virtuous when Louis and I were broken up either. I was a bit scared at first, too. Sort of like you. But seriously, look at them."

Reluctantly, I turned around to look at them again. Olivia had thrown her head back and was laughing so hard I couldn't stop myself from smiling a bit.

"They're just friends. Close friends, but nothing romantic. They would be together by now if they had these kind of feelings for each other don't you think? Besides, they've been through a lot together." she kept explaining, shrugging as I looked back at her. "That formed a bond that we can't understand, and it's okay. Everyone should have someone to talk to when something goes wrong, or when they're feeling like shit. I have someone, too."

"I thought that person could be me, not Louis." I admitted in a mutter, making Eleanor's lips curl.

"What if it's something about you?"

"Especially if it's something about me! I argued, leaning against the chair.

"I'm not saying she'll go to Louis to solve the problems she may have with you, but we all need a friend that we can trust."

I sighed and turned again to Olivia and Louis. He was throwing some fucking confetti at her, blowing on his hand as they all ended in her hair and in her dress, falling in her cleavage. I groaned again and crossed my arms on my chest. I knew Eleanor was right but I couldn't help and think that if I hadn't broken up with Olivia, I would still be her best friend, and that thought bothered me more than I wanted to pretend.

"You'll get used to it." El added. "The sooner the better. Don't ask her to choose."

My traits softened and I sent her a small smile. "I'd never do that."

"NIALL!"

I turned to Olivia quickly as she motioned for me to join her and I excused myself but noticed Eleanor had got up too. I reached for Liv's hands and made her turn around as she laughed, her chin up, and it made me smile. I knew she was getting a bit drunk but I loved seeing her so happy and I just decided to dance with her until I turned around and noticed Louis filming us.

"Tommo!" I said, moving my hand in front of his phone. "Stop filming!"

Olivia moved her face close to the camera and moved her hand to say 'hello' and Louis laughed, turning the phone my way.

"Say Hello to all your fans, Niall, I'm going to put this video on instagram and make you famous!"

"Fuck off!" I just said before laughing and he stopped filming just in time to miss the middle finger I showed him, making Olivia laugh a bit again.

We danced for about half an hour until I realized we were some of the only people left. I pulled Olivia closer and she sent me a soft smile.

"Are you ready to leave?" I asked in a low tone as she quickly nodded.

We said our goodbyes and I quickly called a cab before we walked outside. She grabbed my fingers and squeezed them for a second before letting go of my hand again and it made me chuckle silently. I loved how she needed to show me affection even if she was not supposed to touch me but I didn't mention it, scared that she'd stop. She grabbed her phone as we were outside and quickly sent a text message, making me frown.

"Just telling Louis not to drive." she explained as the cab arrived.

We sat in the backseat and I took my jacket off right before her lips cashed against mine. I laughed and pulled away, giving my address to the driver and turned back to her. I stared in her eyes for a few seconds as she leaned her head on the back of the seat and moved closer to press my mouth against hers again. I grabbed my jacket and placed it over her lap, making her frown and making me smirk.

"Don't move, okay?" I whispered. "And not a sound."

I ran my hand on her thigh under my jacket, my fingers brushing the inside of it, moving her dress up as she spread her knees apart more. Her eyes got bigger and I knew she was holding her breath. It made me chuckle and I brushed my fingers over her panties, making her whole body tense.

"Relax." I breathed out, my lips moving against her parted ones. "I've got ya."

With two of my fingers, I pushed her panties aside and her eyes closed. My fingertips rubbed gently on her clit and I started leaving kisses on her lips and chin. I laughed again when she let out a short whimper and licked my lips.

"Not a sound, remember?" I asked low, amused by how turned on she was. I slipped two fingers inside her and grabbed her bottom lip between mine, nibbling on it for a few seconds and I felt her thigh press against mine as she spread her legs more again. "You like that?"

She nodded quickly and I started rubbing my thumb on her clit as I moved my fingers in and out of her slowly. I just hoped the driver was not glancing too often in his mirror and I tried to place my body closer to Olivia's so he could only see my back.

"You feel so good." I whispered. "I wish I could feel me cock inside ya right now."

I felt her hand move around my head and grip my hair tight as I pushed my fingers knuckle deep, curling them slightly. I felt her tense more and kissed her deeply, rubbing my thumb a bit faster on her clit. I could feel how wet she was and my thumb flicked so well on her swollen clit that I could feel when she was about to cum.

"Oh my god Niall." she murmured, gripping my hair tighter from the roots and shutting her eyes tight. "I'm gonna cum."

I kept the rhythm of my fingers as she shook against me, biting her bottom lip so hard to make sure she wouldn't make a sound that I thought she was going to bleed.

"Oh my fucking god." she let out in a mix of a whimper and a whisper as I took my fingers out, sending her a smirk. "Can't believe you did that."

I raised my eyebrows, smirking more and bringing my fingers to my lips, sucking on them for a few seconds. Her face changed and her eyes got bigger, making me laugh louder than intended.

"Niall!"

"What?" I asked with an amused smile. "Jealous?"

I bend down to her to kiss her again and this time, she did it slow and I lost my smile. It always felt so good when we kissed and I never wanted it to end. The car stopped but she kept kissing me and I didn't want to pull away.

"Okay kids, get out."

Olivia laughed and I finally pulled back before I grabbed money from my pocket, handing the driver way more than I owed him if only for the trouble we gave him and what he had to witness. I got out of the car and helped her too and we just stood there, in front of my house, side by side, for a few minutes.

"That was a nice wedding." I just said, glancing at her with a smirk.

"Mmhm, yea." she agreed, nodding. "I didn't want to go at first but I'm glad you asked me to be your date."

"Yea and you know, our wedding will be very different." I pointed out with a shrug. "Just you, me, and Elvis in a small chapel."

She frowned and turned to me with a surprised expression, making me laugh more.

"Say what?"

I ignored her question and held my hand out to her. "Come on, let's go to bed."

#niall horan #niall horan smut #niall horan fluff #niall horan story #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan fan fiction #niall horan writing #my fanfics #yam #i never know what to tag this lol

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