#going into college and finally feeling ready for the dating scene has me quivering like a chihuahua in a thunderstorm y’all

[zebracakesarecopingmechanisms]

new fears just dropped!

[im-whatchamccallit]

Crushcrushcrush//Kim Hongjoong (ATEEZ)

Request:  Hi i was wondering if you could do a soulmate werewolf hongjoong x human female reader angst and fluff like she over hears hongjoong saying something and she gets sad and shy and worried and stuff.....

Pairing: Kim Hongjoong x Fem!Reader

Genre: Angst with fluff at the end, Werewolf!AU, Soulmate!AU, a bit of College!AU

Warnings: Hongjoong’s kind of a dick with irrational thinking, cussing I guess

Word Count: 7.2k

(A/N: Lets just pretend I didn’t disappear for 6 whole months, but i am back and my medication is no longer giving me the big sad so I’m a little more motivated to write.This isn’t the best work I’ve done, this is actually idea 10 for this prompt and idk if it’s executed properly but Imma keep trying and hopefully, to keep from falling back into a slump, I’ll start a new series so I have a regular scheduled fic for everyone. Also, I think I botched expressing the AUS here but just let me know what you think. Sorry for always disappearing, I can’t promise I won’t go off the grid again but I’ll try harder to be active in anyway)

Your mother always said crushes stayed crushes for a reason: they hurt. Bad. But you thought she was wrong, that your feelings for someone could one day be reciprocated later if not sooner, and that’s what led you to him. Kim Hongjoong. The day you met was a complete accident, your body slamming into his as you wandered aimlessly during your freshman year of high school. He was gorgeous with wide brown eyes, beautiful pink lips and cheeks, his hair styled differently from the other boys to reveal his forehead, showing his individuality. He was perfection.

“I’m so sorry. Are you alright?” Those were the first words he spoke to you, his voice so gentle, so sweet. And the way he reached out to help you with no hesitation, holding your hands as he pulled you up effortlessly.

It was love at first sight, all until he looked down to your hands, eyes catching a glimpse of your wrist, a row of zeros peeking through the sleeve of your uniform jacket. He slowly pushed the fabric up, both your eyes widening to see your soulmate clock had finally timed out, his hands releasing yours to check his own wrist, a quiver to his lips as his clock matched yours, his once soft eyes now hard as he stared you down.

“Stay far away from me.” He warned, not saying another word as he headed to his homeroom, your body frozen as you watched him disappear. He was so harsh, yet you liked him. Maybe suddenly finding his soulmate scared him, but it was no problem to you! You were bound to end up together so you played the waiting game with him, being the perfect soulmate you could possibly be whether he accepted it or not.

And that led you here, now seniors in college and still acting the way you were when you met. Hongjoong was still cold, treating you like some plague while you could only smile along. You weren’t sure how you missed the fact you lived in a predominantly werewolf area until a public service announcement came on your television one night to remind humans to stay indoors during the full moon, that night dedicated to werewolves being as free as they could be, but it made you even more hopeful when you were on your way home from work one night, taking a shortcut through the woods since it lead right to your backyard.

You were 16 at the time, so the sight of a shirtless person would obviously make you flustered, but a shirtless Hongjoong? Enough to cause a nosebleed. He was 16 as well, the exact age a werewolf develops a mate bond and, seeing as you’ve already been confirmed as soulmates in the human world, the sudden desire to latch onto you and never let you go once you locked eyes only made your lifelong attachment more real, and he was freaking out. He didn’t speak, opting to shift without removing the remainder of his clothes, your eyes wide as he moved deeper through the thick trees and towards the horizon where the orange sky was in full view and, the grin on your face just couldn’t stop growing. You knew werewolves had a stronger drive to their mates, so the idea that he could avoid you forever was laughable. Sure, you were both 23 and he has uped his disdain for you from staying silent to calling you any vile name he could think of, but it was only a matter of time before he came around. You just knew it.

“(Y/n), stop gawking.” Miyeon joked, poking your side to snap you from your daydreams, your eyes widening when you noticed a few of Hongjoong’s friend’s catching your gaze, a blush painting your face as you turned away.

“I wasn’t gawking, just making sure their table was okay. I am their waitress tonight.”

“And every other night because you said, and I quote, ‘I wanna work at any table my Joongie’s going to be at!’” She mocked, your eyes rolling as you looked back towards them.

You took a job at a diner just a few blocks from both your apartment and college campus, the pay great and the distance convenient. It was the only time you had to yourself instead of lingering to Hongjoong, figuring out his classes and breaks to give him snacks and lunches you’d personally make for him since you overheard him complain about the campus food before, only to be told they tasted like shit and he’d find his own food. It was a bit of a kick to the face to hear that, but you had one saving grace: his pack. The first time Hongjoong sent you away with a bitter remark, they were curious about you, tracking you down when they weren’t with their alpha to get more info on who you were and what you found so loveable about the man treating you like some demon. They were surprised by how sweet you were and how accepting you were to be the unwanted luna of an eight-wolf pack. They could never hate Hongjoong but they sure as hell loved you just a little more than him. Unbeknownst to both of you, Yunho and Mingi found out where you worked, making a plan with the others to take Hongjoong there as much as possible so he would have no choice but to interact with you, even if he stayed silent to not appear like an asshole in front of the various strangers dining as well. Hongjoong would honestly never return if he had the choice, but something about the restaurant’s signature burger kept bringing him back, which is why he was here, sipping his soda angrily as he waited on his meal that would be served by his worst nightmare, you.

“I don’t know why you don’t just find someone else. Isn’t it easy for humans to reject soulmates? You could move on with no problems.” She said, helping you grasp onto the steel tray covered in various meals, a huff leaving you as you put on a bright smile.

“Because I know it’s harder to move on for wolves. You guys don’t have a choice on who your mates are, and you just accept it once you meet them. I know Hongjoong will accept me eventually, it’s just gonna take some time.” You gave one more smile before wobbling towards the table in question.

Hongjoong tried not to follow the gaze of his pack as they watched you happily approach them, letting out a huff as you adjusted the tray onto your shoulder, grasping the plates and placing them in front of the respective person, Hongjoong’s nose twitching at the smell of his burgers and fries, not wasting anytime to dig in as the other’s thanked you, but you shyly looked at the male before you, the tray pressed to your chest as you tried to find a casual way to speak with him.

“I-uh- I-I remembered last time you asked for extra cheese, so I decided to put cheese in the burger too! I hope you like it better than the tofu stew I made you for lunch the other week.”

“I didn’t ask for extra cheese this time, so why put it inside my burger where I can’t take it off?” He said spitefully, mouth still full as he set the half-eaten burger down.

Your smile faltered but bounced back as you reached towards his plate.

“O-oh! Well, I can take it back and make you another! This time I ca-“

“’This time’? You should’ve just done it from the start. Your job is to listen and do what you’re told and you can’t even do that? What can you do right?”

You swallowed hard, your eyes wandering to the people now staring at you as the scene unfolded, your heartbeat ringing in your ears as you tried to hold it together. The worst he’s called you in an idiot and that was usually under his breath, so to practically say it out loud, in front of strangers while you were in the middle of a shift and forced to do nothing but smile like you usually would, felt like you were being stabbed and burned simultaneously. You couldn’t keep smiling, looking down as you tried to apologize, only for him to cut you off once again.

“Go bother someone else. Or hide in the back if you’re just gonna keep fucking up this much.”

The space was eerily silent, even with the soft music playing, your eyes not leaving your shoes as you shuffled away. It was a pitiful sight, Seonghwa releasing a breath he didn’t realize he was holding as you went to a neighboring table to retrieve plates and glasses left by a couple from before. He was ready to tear Hongjoong’s head off, not as a gamma to an alpha but as one friend to another, his jaw tight as he prepared to berate him the way he did you but, somehow, Wooyoung beat him by asking a question none of them thought to ask before.

“What did she ever do to you that you have to treat her like that?”

There was a strange but tense silence as they awaited his answer, watching him taking small bites of his fries as he stared ahead at nothing before turning to them with what could only be described as a sadistic smirk.

“Imagine being 13 and finding out the best years of your life, the years of dating, hooking up, just discovering who you are, are gone because your mate decides to show up and take that from you.”

“Are you fucking stupid? That’s the reason we have mates, so we can do those things with one person instead of random people!” Seonghwa nearly yelled, trying to keep his voice low as to not alarm anymore spectators again.

“For the past 7 years, I’ve been trying to get her to leave or just reject me, but it’s clear to me now that she’s just an idiot that doesn’t understand she’s not needed, by me or anyone. And, if you’re as dumb as her, I’ll simplify it for you: she’s unwanted.”

Whatever pain you felt before suddenly disappeared into a numbness you couldn’t explain. He knew you were there, that you could hear him, that you would hear him, and yet he still said it. You were conflicted and sad, your lips curling in a mixture of disgust and anger before settling on a bright smile. Never mind the fact your tears finally spilled over, that your heart ached with every beat and your body felt heavy with the weight of being rejected by someone you waited so long for, you just had to smile. Soulmates were supposed to be a sure thing, supposed to be your happily ever after, yet it just turned out to be a crush, one that you should’ve let die the day you met him.

“(Y/n/n)…” Miyeon spoke cautiously as you made your way towards the bar, your other coworkers watching from beside her as if you were some strange spectacle.

“We have to start cleaning, y’know? It’ll help us get out of here a lot faster tonight.” You said in your usual cheerful tone, tears still flowing and a faint crack to your voice.

“How about you just head home for the day, (Y/n)? We can handle everything from here.” Your manager said, her eyes scanning your face as you moved past them and to the kitchen, their bodies following instinctively.

“What? No! I’m fine! We still have 4 more hours to go and I think if I get a head start with the chefs for tomorrow lunch specials I ca-“

“(Y/n), please-“

“I’m fine, Miyeon! Really! It’s not like I got broken up with or anything, I never even had a boyfriend! Just a crush on someone that thinks I’m a waste of space! Isn’t that super ironic? Spending most of your life chasing after someone that wants nothing to do with you? That’s really funny, right?” You choked out, lips pursing into a thin line to keep in your sobs but your attempts were futile, everything slowly starting to hit you at once until your body collapsed, one of the other servers catching you before you hit the ground.

It was all a blur from there, the words of comfort everyone offered turning into muffled noise as your cries of agony came out freely, the way Miyeon dragged you from the emergency exit at the back of the building and to her car to take you home, and even when you crawled into bed and managed to sleep despite the pounding headache. 7 years came and went and there was nothing to show for it. No soulmate, no boyfriend, no romance, not even a friendship. You were empty and for some reason the only thing filling your heart and mind was the person who broke you.

It felt like time stood still yet hours had passed, Hongjoong back in his own bedroom pressing away at his keyboard, stopping occasionally to write a few notes down from his new composition, but he wasn’t distracted enough to hear his door open, various footsteps entering and even a few bodies settling in on his bed, his eyes not bothering to leave his notebook as he figured this moment would come.

“You don’t need to lecture me.” He grumbled, going back to play a few more notes only to find his keyboard unplugged, Mingi tossing the cord away as his alpha stared him down.

“It’s only a lecture if you listen and learn, which you won’t, so we’re gonna make you feel as bad as possible for driving away the only person that gave a shit about you.” San said with a bright smile, a scoff leaving Hongjoong as he finally turned in his chair to face them, eyes scanning the room to see this situation wasn’t playful but truly hostile, almost like an ambush.

“So, you guys don’t care about me?”

“Trying to get you to accept your soulmate so you don’t die shows we care a lot more than we should.” Yeosang spoke, making himself comfortable as he sat against the pillow and headboard.

“But we’re the real assholes for trying to force her with someone as shitty as you.” Seonghwa finally said, Hongjoong’s head snapping in his direction as he let out a dry chuckle, shifting in his seat so he was leaning backwards, arms crossed as he told himself to stay calm during his friend’s potential tantrum.

“I feel like you have the most to say since you’ve been in love with my mate the longest, so go ahead, tell me how I’m such a bad man, Seonghwa. I’m all ears.” His smugness made the tension worse, Seonghwa stepping closer with clenched fist.

“I’m not in love with you mate, but if I didn’t know someone was waiting for me because we were fated to be together, maybe I would have asked (Y/n) out, because she deserves better than a lowlife with the brain function of a dead goldfish. But I respect her too much as your mate and my luna to not push those boundaries so I tried to help her get closer to you because I know you, Hongjoong. You’re not an asshole or a jerk, but to her? You treat her like shit, when really you’d have no one without her. You’re a short, scrawny, nerdy moron that locks himself in a dark room for days on end just to complete a single project, then emerge to eat cold pizza and watch Despicable Me because your pea-sized brain can’t comprehend anything that isn’t brightly colored animation. If you take away your alpha status, no girl would even look in your direction but you have someone literally at your side, the only human not afraid of you, trying to figure out everything there is to know about you, yet you can’t give her the time of day. You probably don’t even know a damn thing about her.”

“Unfortunately, I know more than enough about her.” Hongjoong spoke, all amusement gone as he glared at the older male, their mindlink clogged with threatening growls and barks, trying to keep their fight from getting physical.

That first sentence alone made Hongjoong’s blood boil, his face contorted in a mixture of pain and disgust. How could Seonghwa even say that to him, plotting to steal his mate all because he was a bit uncertain? That all it was, uncertainty! He didn’t hate you, or wish you weren’t around, he actually grew to anticipate and enjoy your ramblings about your day or whatever new thing caught your attention, he actually even loved the lunches that you’d make for him. He couldn’t help that over the years he grew to crave you more, but the thought of fully accepting you and solidifying that the best years of his life were about to be gone, restricted to one person forever before he could even determine for himself his likes and dislikes, what he considered real love rather than what fate wanted him to feel, was terrifying. So he distanced himself from you, spending the years watching you from afar in hopes that if he didn’t get too close he wouldn’t lose his free will completely.

But it was a bad habit that seeped into your college years, everyone assuming he cared so little for you when he knew everything there was to know. He knew where you worked before any of the boys did, where your apartment was, the fact you were a business major planning to open a bakery once you graduated, he knew you didn’t have classes on Fridays but always came back on campus because you prepared meals for the men’s and women’s wrestling team which is where Jongho first met you, he knew you hated mint chocolate chip ice cream just like him but loved chocolate ice cream with mint chips, he knew you were always cold but overheat at night and wake up at exactly 3am to change into shorts and a tank top to be more comfortable, he knew about the birthmark on your lower back and a scar on your hip from a cat scra-

“Holy shit, you’re insane.” Wooyoung breathed out, Hongjoong’s eyes focusing on the room in front of him, a mixture of shocked expressions and amused ones filling his vision.

“I liked it better when we thought you hated her but, hyung, you’ve been stalking her since your freshman year of high school?” Jongho asked cautiously.

It was a weird feeling bubbling inside Hongjoong, the primary one being embarrassment. He knew he’d sometimes unintentionally rant in their mindlink whenever he was upset but to make an almost decade long secret public to his pack, revealing the intimate details of how you slowly but surely ingrained yourself into not only his brain but his life until he felt like he was going crazy? It made him tear up, his face burn with a blush as he was finally forced to face the truth. He pushed you away but wanted you more than anything. He wanted to spend his years free to explore before finally settling down only to reject every girl that came close to him simply because they weren’t you, and he took that anger out on you. What was he so mad about? The fact you stood by his side with a smile happily accepting him while he tried and failed to lust after other women? Was he that pathetic? He could admit now that he was and, if he could turn back time, he would’ve introduced himself and walked you to class. Just the first step of fully accepting you.

“You’re still ranting in the mindlink, you know?” Seonghwa said softly, regaining the once again lost focus of his alpha who was too consumed in his own pity to notice the tension died down, their gazes soft as they tried to sympathize with their leader.

“Sorry. I wish none of you heard that stuff.” He admitted, sniffling as he realized he’d been crying, hand hurriedly wiping away tears from his cheeks.

“Well, it’s a good thing we did. We still think you’re a moron, but at least we know you’re feeling guilty about all of this.”

“Don’t worry, Joong, if you know (Y/n) like we do, she always sees the best in people, so she’ll forgive you. But you still have to apologize.” San followed up Mingi’s words, wrapping an arm around Hongjoong shoulders while giving a bright smile in response to his weak one.

“She’s my TA in Calc 3 and I have that class around noon tomorrow. She always stays after in case anyone has questions, so I can stall until you get there.” Yunho offered, Hongjoong feeling a slight warmth in his chest thinking about it all. He’d let go of his insecurities, fix everything he’s done wrong, and finally have you as his. Tomorrow couldn’t come fast enough.

And tomorrow did come, but you were nowhere to be found. When Hongjoong arrived to Yunho’s class, he was met with a sympathetic apology on the account that you didn’t show up that day, you weren’t even at any of your other classes. The boys even tried to find you at work only to be met with a mob of your pissed coworkers led by Miyeon, threatening to rip their heads off if she saw their faces again. And that lasted for nearly 3 days, Hongjoong’s hope slowly dwindling away until he noticed two figures sneakily meeting halfway at the school’s entrance to exchange a large white cooler.

He recognized those bulky arms anywhere, and the thick Aussie accent was a dead giveaway as well, especially when it was followed by a distinct giggle. There was no mistaking it was Chan, but he could barely see the person with him, their voice low as they spoke to him and face hidden beneath a hood, but the scent emitting from them was strong, and beautiful, his eyes widening as he finally took it all in. You looked different, wearing a dark grey matching sweat suit which was a complete 180 from your usual attire, and you smelled faintly of passionfruit, possibly a change to your normal shampoo in an attempt to disguise yourself, but that thought only made his heart hurt more. Were you intentionally avoiding him? He could understand you hating him now but you were even ignoring the others in his pack, going from friends to complete strangers in a matter of hours and leaving them all devastated. He was going to fix this, here and now, if not for him and you than for his friends.

“Jongho’s been pretty upset about you not responding to his text. It’d really help if you stopped by to at least let him know you’re okay.” Chan pleaded, giving you a dimpled smile and hopeful gaze that made it impossible for you to hide your blushing face and grin.

“I just need a little more time, Chris. It’s like if you broke up with your mate and all the friends you made through her left you too. Except it’s me being broken up with by someone who was never my boyfriend and his friends came to me instead of me going to them. But, still, it hurts all the same.” You laughed slightly, trying to find some humor in the situation.

“You’re the only person that still calls me Chris.” He commented, trying to redirect the conversation as you clearly weren’t fine, neither of you noticing the burning glare just a few meters away.

“I just think it fits you best.” You admitted, neither of you breaking eye contact until you gasped, staring down to the box of food and drinks you bought.

“You should hurry to practice. You need to eat beforehand otherwise you’ll be weak after warmups alone. And I worked hard making those sandwiches and cutting that fruit, if it goes bad because you stayed here to cheer me up, I’ll really be mad.” You tried to put on your best scowl, your scolding undermined by his amused laughter.

“Alright, fine. Just stay safe, please?” You nodded, waving as you watched him turn to head to the school’s gymnasium, missing the way Chan glared at Hongjoong as he continued forward. Chan and Hongjoong’s packs were close, family almost, so the news of what Hongjoong did and why reached them in no time, and Chan was hoping today things would be fixed soon because, apart from you being the wrestling team’s beloved personal chef, you were like a sister to him.

You wasted no time leaving the campus behind, ready to go back into the darkness of your bedroom to forget you existed. You really wish you could disappear, that the ground would split beneath you and swallow you whole, but you couldn’t just leave when your phone was filled with calls and messages from friends and coworkers wondering where you were and if you were fine. So many people cared, what kind of person would you be to leave them all alone like this, especially when all they wanted was to help you? But being alone helped, trying to live life as normal as possible while adjusting to a Hongjoong-free lifestyle helped. It would take some time, but you’d find your normal someday. All you had to do was avoid-

“(Y/n)!” Your body froze.

He rarely called you by your name but his voice was distinct on its own, and it was the most sickly sweet thing you’ve ever heard. You wanted to run, to never have him see you like this. Dear god, how did you even look right now? You felt like shit, you probably looked the part. Dammit, Hongjoong was right all along, you were shit. You were worse than shit, you were just pathetic. A pathetic, lovestruck loser itching to just turn and say hi, to have the conversation you always dreamed of but you knew that wouldn’t happen. He’ll yell at you again. He’ll-

“(Y/n)? H-hi…” Hongjoong said shyly, standing right in front of you as you shrank into yourself.

His brows furrowed as you looked away, mentally arguing with yourself as you went over the days of self-reflecting you did, trying to find some lesson from your solitude to aid in this situation and it was starting to scare him. You were never quiet with him, you always had something to say even if it wasn’t important but, luckily, he had something important to say and hopefully you’d listen.

“I- T-the other day…. I w-was…. I-I’m sorry.” He stammered out, this confession a lot harder than he thought, especially now that you were facing him, eyes just as innocent as the day he met you, but he couldn’t run away this time.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, honestly. Everyone told me I was an idiot and I think they’re right. I treated you like you were garbage for years, all because I didn’t want to be mated so young. I just wanted to date around before I finally settled down with someone and, m-maybe I could’ve just said that, so you didn’t have to wait around for me all these years but, I never hated you, and I can’t hate you. I know you won’t forgive me right away but I think it’s only fair that I can be a good mate to you now.”

He swallowed hard, trying to suppress the desperate ‘please’ he wanted to add as your pupils began to shake, almost as if you were a machine malfunctioning, none of your self-reflecting preparing you for this moment, the only thing coming to mind being some sad blog article you found during your second day of isolation. ‘Forgiving and forgetting too soon is dangerous. Find yourself’. It wasn’t what you wanted but maybe what you need, what he needed. So, without hesitation, you smiled brightly at him although it never reached your eyes, clearing your throat as you tried to keep your voice steady.

“Hongjoong, I can’t forgive you easily. I waited for you, I tried to make you accept me and it always ended up with me getting hurt. Honestly, if I just treated you like a regular crush, maybe we could’ve forgotten we’re meant to be together until after graduation or something.” You laughed awkwardly, wanting to look away as his eyes softened in the saddest way, but you needed to do this, eyes locked on his as you exhaled through your nose.

“I couldn’t be by your side all the time, so whether you dated anyone is still a mystery to me but, I’ve been alone for seven years hoping you’d come around, and I think it’s time I take those years back. I’m not sure if what you said counted as a rejection or if we’re still mates but, if we are, we’ll come back to each other eventually. For now, I just need some time.”

You managed to walk past him without completely collapsing in tears, speed walking back to your apartment as you tried to swallow sobs, not even taking in the way Hongjoong stumbled to follow you, almost like a zombie as he attempted to plead for you to reconsider, to force himself to accept your decision but ask how long you needed, but he couldn’t do that. He tried to picture himself in your shoes, seven years of pining only to be publicly humiliated by the person you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. He couldn’t blame you for not forgiving him, and he sure as hell couldn’t force you, so he let you go, trudging in the opposite direction to his two story apartment just to hide in his bedroom until he didn’t feel like dying anymore.

But as more days passed and it only got harder for Hongjoong. He barely left his room but also never slept, every song he created was played in minor scales to fit his now melancholy life. The charisma he typically exuded was hidden with puffy red eyes from crying and a yellow knit sweater a few sizes too large for his body but it was the only thing that comforted him at this point, especially when knowing you had reconnected with everyone but him.

After exactly one week of distancing yourself from the world, you caved and meet with the boys individually (sans Hongjoong), apologizing for needing space although they completely understood, but the way each interaction ended made your guts churn with guilt. ‘Stay safe, luna’, that’s how all of them addressed you before they left, leaving you filled with the desire to return to how things were before. You missed your friends and, the fact your mate was finally ready to claim you, only made you want to forgive Hongjoong sooner. But you needed to be your own person for once. You had seven years worth of relationships to catch up on and you wouldn’t let them keep you from that.

Except when they did.

You should’ve known it was risky letting them know you had a date so soon, just some other human on campus that had yet found his soulmate. They sounded happy for you, Wooyoung going so far to ask where you met and where your date would be and what time, giving suggestions on what to say and wear since it was “your first”. It was a sweet gesture, and you thought nothing of it, but that information meant everything to him which led to now, the boys huddled together in their living room with a slightly paler and sickly looking Hongjoong curled into the corner of their loveseat.

“So they’re going bowling tonight at 8:30? We could ask her about it tomorrow in case she’s into him because hyung isn’t looking too great.” Yeosang commented, everyone looking to Hongjoong as he managed to drown his entire body within the sweater, only his head visible as he stared ahead like some lost puppy.

“He’s just weak from not being around her for so long, but their bond is still there so he’s fine. But we have nothing to worry about. She won’t fall in love with him so don’t get too involved, she’ll just stop talking to us again if we meddle too much.” Seonghwa warned, a chorus of ‘Okays’ confirming their dismissal as they all stood to retreat to their bedrooms.

“Wait, who is she going out with anyways? There’s only 10 other humans at that school.” Mingi’s question cause everyone to freeze, the silence in the room contrasting with the faint answer Woooyung gave in their mindlink, Hongjoong turning to look at him with hurt and pain.

“Why didn’t you say it was Yugyeom?!”

“I did! Just not to you, until now because I forgot to tune you out.” He said shyly, flinching as Hongjoong ran past him and right out their front door, none of them sure of what to do at that point.

It was such a minor yet major detail. Kim Yugyeom was admittedly the most wanted person any of them could think of. Human girls wanted him, werewolf girls wanted him, most guys couldn’t help but stare whenever he passed by. He was gorgeous with eyes that sparkled every time he smiled. He spoke about his soulmate with so much passion despite never meeting her, following his words with how he’d treat any girl before her with the same love and care. It was a pick up line meant to hook any hopelessly romantic girl in, the sweetest way to say their relationship wouldn’t last. But this was Kim Yugyeom, they knew it was only meant with good intentions, not wanting to string someone along with the false hope they’d be together forever. And that’s exactly what you needed. To explore while knowing you’d always come back to Hongjoong. But that’s not what Hongjoong wanted. He didn’t want you dating anyone else, finding temporary happiness when he was supposed to give you a lifetime of it. And humans were more flexible with their soulmates, they had the privilege to move one without the pain or withdrawals of losing their mate. Werewolves just died if they were rejected, heartbreak and loneliness consuming them, so there was no telling how your heart would react to someone exactly like you. Maybe you’ll fall in love with him. Maybe he’ll abandon his soulmate for you once he learns how amazing you are. Maybe Hongjoong would die from lack of food and sleep before he even reached your apartment, which he was still sprinting full speed towards. It was only 7:30pm, meaning he had an hour before you and Yugyeom went out, but he didn’t have a plan. He had no idea what he was doing, but he needed to stop you before you found yourself in love with someone else.

It was like some scene in a drama, Hongjoong’s chest heaving as he finally came to a stop just outside your apartment. His body felt like giving out as he climbed the two flights of stairs to your door, only to find you waving shyly to Yugyeom just as he turned away, trying not to lock eyes with Hongjoong but Hongjoong’s eyes were only trained on you, yours finding his as a panicked look crossed your face. Should you look away? Go back inside? What was he even doing there? You never told the boys your address… You gasped as he approached you, swallowing hard as you tried to remain calm, but how could you stay calm when you finally got a good look at him?

“Oh my god, are you okay?” You didn’t hesitate to ask, stepping further from your door to examine him, reaching for his face only to stumble back to your original position. You were making great progress, you can’t do that now.

“I’ve been better, but even then I wasn’t fine.” He said with a dry chuckle, your lips curling into a fake smile to not show how much his appearance affected you. He looked like he was on the brink of death. You knew wolves would get sick without their mates, but was it really killing him? Were you killing him?

“Joongi-Uhm, Hongjoong, how about you sit down? You look like you’re going to faint.” You offered, stepping back to allow him inside, watching him stumble past you and straight to your sofa as if he owned the place.

It was such an awkward moment for you, watching the poor boy curl into himself as his sweater practically became his body, a sigh leaving your lips as you shut your door. Instead of healing yourself, you had to heal him. It was oddly pitiful but your instincts screamed at you to do it.

Hongjoong shut his eyes as he eased into your sofa, feeling more comfortable than he was in his own home, even more so with your scent invading his senses, your body warmth radiating onto his as you carefully took a seat, trying to figure out what to do.

“Do you need food, or water? Or a doctor?” You asked, the giggle he let out this time weak but still enough to make your heart beat a bit faster.

“I just need you near me.” He admitted.

You let out a squeak as he shamelessly fell into your lap, head comfortably resting against your thighs as he laid face up. You couldn’t stop your hand from easing through his unnaturally colored locks, melting at how soft they were, bottom lip trapped under your teeth as you had to fight off the desire to cup his face. You’ve never gotten this close to him and he wasn’t telling you to go away, instead letting out content purrs as he nuzzled closer to you, your eyes burning with unshed tears. Why couldn’t he just want you from the start? You’d would’ve been able to hold him like this all the time, to see him happy and healthy rather than a shell of his former self. But he didn’t want you, and now he was at your apartment just to keep himself from dying. It was silly to think he cared about you as much as he did himself.

“Of course you do.” You whispered, laughing bitterly as your hand left his hair, moving to his arm to ease him back up into a sitting position.

You couldn’t get past him no matter how hard you tried, nor did you want to, but every word he said, everything he’s done, followed you like a ghost haunting some poor unsuspecting soul. Why did you have to love someone who didn’t love you the same? Why was this your life?

“Can you just hold me a little longer? P-please?” He asked with a cute whine to his voice.

You sighed and grabbed his arm, gently pulling him back into his previous position, fingers massaging his scalp as he finally opened his eyes to look at you. You were beautiful, even with the frown lines etched into your face. He wonder how long they’ve been there, especially when he’s only seen you smiling. Maybe you spent your alone time more upset than he thought. Where you upset before he came? You couldn’t be when Yugyeom was here, no one could be upset with him around. Except Hongjoong. He felt a grudge building inside him just from the mere thought of him with you. He felt like interrogating you on what he was doing here in the first place and why you gave your address out to just anyone, but it wasn’t his place to ask and probably wouldn’t be for a while, but jealousy and rage was all he felt so any reasonable thinking was thrown out the window.

“I don’t want you to see Yugyeom anymore.” He said definitely, your eyes widened as you stared at him incredulously, an amused giggle leaving your lips.

“That’s not for you to choose, Hongjoong. I told you I need time-“

“Those seven years you’ve been waiting I couldn’t be with anyone else. I always compared every girl I met to you and none of them came close to being as perfect, now I have to watch you date some dance major with pretty eyes because I was an insecure dumbass? He has a soulmate, and he’s always going to choose them no matter how much you like each other, so why not save your feelings? I’ll wait as long as you want me to, but just don’t fall in love with anyone else.”

You tried so hard to hide your smile. This wasn’t something you typically liked, possessive guys being on the list of things you found annoying, but considering it was Hongjoong, his soft eyes hard and sharp as their hue seemed to go pitch black as his words were both sweet and demanding, made you fall in love just a little more than you already were. You wanted to take this as his confession, as a truce in your previous one-sided enemyship, to tell him that you told Yugyeom you couldn’t go out with him because you could only see yourself with Hongjoong, but you needed time. Not time to date and explore the way you thought he had, but to watch him work as hard as you did to prove he was ready and willing to love you. It was a little malicious, sure, but it was all in good fun. He’d always be your mate after all.

“I don’t know, Hongjoong, you really hurt me…”

“It hurt knowing I wasn’t with you.” Your smile cracked through, causing his own to appear, your game already over.

“And how do you think I felt? You think you can make up seven years worth of waiting so easily?”

You squealed as he shot up, magically seeming more alive than when he arrived, eyes full of life and his lips and cheeks the same rosy color as when you met him, hands warm and soft as he cupped your face.

“Good thing I have forever to do it.”

The silence was comfortable but unbearable, especially as he hesitated to lean closer, your lips puckering to guide him but he didn’t seem to be catching on and, when he did, you shifted back, laughing awkwardly as you stared at one another, both of you taking a deep breath as you finally closed the gap between you, a weird electric sensation you could only dream of as your lips slowly grew accustom to one another, moving so slow yet feeling so urgent. It was all still new to the both of you, romance and dating only now becoming part of your lives, but it was exciting knowing that you had years ahead of you to perfect it, your entire lives dedicated to loving one another. And it only took a seven year crush to get you here.

[radiantroope]

Lonely Heart || Rafe Cameron

Chapter Three - Loose Stitches

chapter summary: What was supposed to be a fun day out on the Druthers takes a turn when you find out the secret everyone’s been keeping from you. Rafe and Topper have a tough conversation.

warnings: minor alcohol consumption, swearing, angst, a bit of fluff

word count: 3.3k+

author’s note: and so it begins. there’s a scene in here that i’m not 100% happy with but i couldn’t re-write it again because i was over it lol. i feel the need to point out that topper and y/n are completely platonic, he’s not pining after her. ok enjoy, and please let me know what you think!

read chapter two here!

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Your first week back in the OBX had gone without incident. You went to your mother’s chemo treatment with her and sat by her side, holding her hand as you read from a magazine. You hung out with Topper and Kelce at one or the other’s houses and spent some time on the beach. You spent the night with Sarah, who was fully offended you went to see Topper first instead of her, and officially met her boyfriend John B. You and the Pogue knew of each other but had never truly spoken. He wasn’t too keen on you at first until he realized you weren’t like all the other Kooks who stood behind the rivalry.

Janelle had texted you, asking if you were home and a short apology about your mother. She had said she was returning home soon as well and had so much to tell you. You weren’t sure if you were exactly excited to see her and have her drown you in information, especially about Rafe. You’d told her okay but were making plans left and right to try and book up your days so you didn’t have to see her before you were ready.

One of those plans was a day out on the Druthers. Ward had invited your parents and you, of course. You dragged Topper into joining you, not wanting to be a third wheel with Sarah. Wheezie was seventeen now and didn’t follow you or her sister around anymore. He made a fuss about having to be around his ex girlfriend and her insufferable boyfriend, but he couldn’t say no to you — especially when you promised to purchase all of the kegs for his next house party since he was still underage.

When you arrived at the Cameron’s and made your way down to the yacht, you could hear the chatter and laughter of many people. They were all older, friend’s of Ward and Rose and your parents. Some of them you recognized from your going away party and they congratulated you on obtaining your Bachelor’s, gushing to your parents about ‘raising such a fine young woman’. You made your rounds talking to everyone, took the Pacifico Ward offered you, and dragged Topper to the front of the boat.

“If one more person asks me if I’ve seen any celebrities while in Cali, I’m gonna scream,” you grumbled before taking a long swig of the cold beer.

Topper laughed loudly and leaned against the side of the boat, raising one of his fluffy eyebrows, “Well… Have you?”

You pressed your lips together tightly and made a small screaming sound in the back of your throat, swinging your arm and smacking the sandy blonde on the chest. He laughed again, slinking away from your swinging arm. You heard Ward say you’d be leaving soon, just waiting on two more people to arrive.

You took another swig of your beer and fell into conversation with Topper, Sarah and John B. joining you after a beat. They asked how college life was on the West coast and if you’d made any friends. You had, but none of them compared to the people you knew at home. They’d texted a couple of times to check in on you but that was the extent of it. They were shocked to hear you’d held a ten minute conversation with Brad Pitt at a bar and ran into Elizabeth Olsen a handful of times at your favorite Cafe, because yes, you had met celebrities but you weren’t one to brag.

“If you can hook me up with the Scarlet Witch, I’ll marry you right now,” Topper said, eyes wide and completely straight faced.

“Okay, that doesn’t make sense—”

You’re cut off by the sound of Ward’s voice when he playfully says, “There the lovebirds are! Late as usual!”

Your back is turned and Topper and Sarah see it before you. As you go to turn around, the taller boy wraps his arm around your neck, pulling you into his side. Sarah tries to think of something to say to keep your attention on her, stuttering and waving her hands. John B. just looks confused, staring bewilderingly at his girlfriend then glancing at you and Topper.

“Why are y’all being so weird?!” you exclaim, shoving a hand on Topper’s chest to get him off of you.

You spin around before you can be stopped again and your blood runs cold. Your heart hammers in your chest, pounding painfully against your rib cage. You don’t realize your beer has slipped from your grasp until it shatters on the deck, glass flying at your feet. Everyone’s attention turns to you, but you’re staring at the two people who just stepped aboard the boat. Their hands were linked together and the smiles they’d been wearing fell. Your stomach lurched, the lunch you’d had before coming threatening to resurface.

Rafe’s eyes were wide and his face visibly paled as he stared at you. The expression on his face was unreadable and the look his eyes matched. Janelle stepped away from him, her hand coming up as she started to say something to you. Your ears were ringing so loudly you could hear her. Your eyes caught on her left hand, a massive rock sitting on her ring finger, sparkling in the sun.

You felt someone’s hands on you, you didn’t know who, trying to shake you and bring you back to Earth. As realization dawned on you, you turned suddenly, leaning over the side of the Druthers and emptying the contents of your stomach into the ocean. You gasped for breath, tears burning in your eyes from the act of throwing up and the situation itself. Your body started shaking, all of the different emotions hitting you at once and overwhelming you.

“Breathe, Y/N,” Sarah says, pulling your hair out of your face. She glances at Topper who rubs his face and shakes his head. You weren’t supposed to find out this way — none of them wanted you to find out this way. If they had known Rafe would be there, they would have skipped on the boat day and taken you somewhere else.

“Y/N..” you hear Janelle’s hesitant voice, feel her hand on your arm.

You flinched away as if she burned you, into Sarah’s arms, hissing, “Don’t touch me.”

The raven haired girl’s face fell, hands falling limp at her sides. Your head was spinning and your thoughts were moving a thousand miles a second. You could see everyone looking between you, whispering, like this was going to be the hottest gossip on the island. Your mother stood and went to reach for you but you shrank out of the way, out of Sarah’s arms.

Without another word, you made a beeline for the exit of the boat. You caught Rafe’s eye again for half a second, a pained expression on his face as he talked quietly with Ward. You rushed out of the yacht and practically ran up the dock towards Tannyhill, ignoring the calls of your name from behind you. You were choking on your own breath, trying to fight off the tears burning in your eyes.

“Y/N, please, stop,” Topper panted as he finally reached you up by the house.

You scoffed as you turned to look at him and saw your parents as well as Sarah following behind him. You went into the house and began searching for your mother’s purse so you could take the car. Your hands were shaking, a few tears slipping down your cheeks that you wiped away roughly.

“Honey, please,” your mother’s voice was soft, hands grabbing onto your arms to stop your frantic movements.

“You all knew!” you shouted, bottom lip quivering.

“We didn’t know they were coming,” Sarah said softly, nervously twisting her fingers together.

“That’s not what I’m talking about,” you snapped in response, eyes holding a fire none of them had seen in a long time. You shrugged yourself out of your mother’s grasp, sitting down in a chair in the main living room. You put your head in your hands and asked, “how long?”

Sarah glanced around at the others before saying, “Three and a half years, engaged for almost one.”

“You’re fucking kidding me.”

“They begged me not to tell you,” Topper admitted, mentally kicking himself for agreeing to keep his mouth shut. Rafe may have been his best friend, but so were you. Sarah nodded, silently saying they’d done the same to her. “They said they wanted to tell you themselves.”

“I haven’t spoken to Rafe in five years!” you shouted, throwing your arm up. You tried to keep more tears from falling as you allowed everything to sink in. You’d been bottling up everything you felt for so long it was starting to spill over. Everyone but Topper looked shocked, clearly not knowing the full extent of your damaged relationship with Rafe. They didn’t know he’d cut you off all together, they just thought you didn’t talk as much, drifted apart a little.

“After Thanksgiving, he stopped calling. He stopped answering my texts. We haven’t seen each other since my going away party,” your voice broke at the end, tears steadily flowing down your face at this point. Though, you quickly became angry as you thought about the other person involved. You spit, “Janelle and I talked once a week. I should have known something was up when all she would talk about was Rafe. She never mentioned they were dating, let alone engaged!”

“Your mother and I didn’t want to hurt you, sweetie. It didn’t feel like our place to say anything,” your father said, walking over and wrapping his arms around your shoulders. He knew there was more to the story than you were willing to say. They didn’t know how much turmoil you’d been going through the last five years and he felt horrible for not noticing.

You knew it was partially your fault for not saying anything. Maybe this all would have played out differently if you had just been honest and told everyone you and Rafe weren’t even friends anymore, as much as it hurt to admit. Maybe Ward wouldn’t have invited you or would have given you a heads up that his son was coming. Maybe Sarah would have told you Rafe and Janelle were dating and you could have confronted her sooner. Maybe you should have confessed your love to him that day sitting on your bed before you left.

There was no way to change what happened. Like your mother had said, you can’t dwell on the past, you have to live in the present. The sad reality was that Rafe was engaged, to someone who was supposed to be your best friend, and there was no chance you’d tell him how you felt now. He’d gone five years without you and clearly had no intentions to keep you in his life. You had to accept that.

“I just want to go home,” you whispered into your father’s shoulder, holding back a sob.

“I’ll walk with you,” Topper quickly offered, stepping forward, “I wasn’t too keen on his boat day anyway.”

Sarah walked over as you stood up, wrapping her arms around you tightly. She stroked her hand over your back and mumbled, “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. You didn’t know,” you replied, pulling back and taking her cheeks in your hands. You pressed a kiss to the younger girl’s forehead and teased, “I still love you.”

You mother and father both hugged you tightly. You knew they couldn’t skip on this day with Ward, especially now that they had to do damage control for your actions in front of their friends. You mother kissed your cheek and gave you a soft smile, “We’ll talk more about this later, yeah?”

You nodded, allowing Topper to wrap his arm around your shoulders and guide you out the front door. The two of you walked in silence, his arm stayed around you, keeping you close. You felt comfortable but your mind was still reeling. You looked up at him, his indigo eyes meeting your bloodshot ones.

“I’ll still buy you those kegs,” you said, trying to lighten the mood.

The boisterous laugh that erupted from Topper’s mouth made you smile slightly. It had taken a long time to mend the broken and cracked pieces of your heart — you thought you’d finally stitched it whole again. The further and further you got from Tannyhill, you could feel the stitches coming loose, the cracks in your heart re-breaking.

—

“You said you talked to her. You told me she was okay with this!” Rafe tried to keep his voice level, not wanting to cause more of a scene on the Druthers. He’d pulled Janelle to the interior of the boat, down into the hallway and away from the prying eyes of his father’s friends. The look your mother had sent him when she came back made his gut twist, your father’s expression was unreadable.

“I was going to tell her when I saw her in person! I didn’t think she’d be here!” Janelle argued, crossing her arms over her chest. “We’ve been keeping us a secret for so long there’s not an easy way to drop that bomb on her!”

Rafe sighed frustratedly and ran a hand through his hair, ruining the slicked back look he’d achieved with the gel. He chewed on his bottom lip, staring at the wall in thought. “Maybe I should go talk to her,” he decided, going to move past Janelle and leave the boat.

“No!” Janelle exclaimed, grabbing onto her fiancé’s arm. “It’s been five years, Rafe. Don’t you think if she wanted to talk, she would have when she saw us? The best thing we can do right now is give her space.”

Rafe knew she was right. He knew he was the last person you wanted to see. He felt his stomach sink at what Janelle said next, “Besides, she obviously left with Topper.”

Topper. His best friend. He remembered after your move Janelle telling him how closely you and Topper remained. After Rafe stopped speaking to you, he took his place. He was the one you called multiple times throughout the week. He was the one you FaceTimed with on Saturday’s. He was the one you spent time with when you visited in the Summer. Jealousy bubbled in his stomach hearing that all those years ago, now the thought just made him sad. Did he make the right choice cutting you off to mend his own heart? Did it make you move on to his best friend instead?

“Come on, honey,” Janelle’s voice broke him from his thoughts as she tugged in his hand. She grinned up at him and leaned up to kiss his cheek. “Rose wants to talk wedding plans.”

Rafe smiled and nodded, allowing his fiancée to lead him back out on the main deck. He looked over to where Sarah was cleaning up the glass from the bottle you dropped. John B. was quietly asking her what happened and why you left. Sarah simply shook her head, locking eyes with her brother. She gave him a disappointed frown and retreated into the boat to dispose of the glass.

—

Topper had stayed with you at your house, quietly moving about your room as you napped in your bed. The events that had taken place took a lot out of you. You’d cried some more when you got there, mourning your broken friendships. He laid with you, stroking your hair and whispering a thousand apologies as you sobbed. There was nothing he could say to make it better, but he still tried.

When your parents got home, they peeked into your bedroom. You were still fast asleep, curled with your back to the door and facing the window. Topper sat at the edge of the bed, flipping through the old photo album you still hadn’t touched. There were hundreds, possibly thousands of pictures in there — of him and Kelce, your parents, Sarah and Wheezie, Janelle, but mostly of you and Rafe. Your smile would put the sun to shame with how brightly it shined. The stars in the night sky would be envious of the sparkle your eyes held as you looked at Rafe in the photos. It was painfully obvious how in love you’d been with him back then, if only the boy himself had known.

Your parents thanked him for staying with you, promising to have you call him later that night. He made his way home, heart heavy in chest. He hated being in the middle of his two best friend’s — torn between two sides. How was he supposed to split his time with both of you? He knew you’d be understanding, tell him it was fine because Rafe is his friend. He knew Rafe would have a fit, say he was choosing you over him. As if you all hadn’t known each other the same amount of time. As if he had an upper hand because they were ‘the boys’.

“Where have you been? I’ve been waiting for hours,” Rafe’s gruff voice asked from the couch. He had a glass of Topper’s mother’s scotch sitting on the table in front of him. The blonde had seen his truck in the driveway, expecting him to be in that exact position.

“I was at Y/N’s,” Topper replied with a shrug, dropping his keys in the bowl by the front door and kicking off his shoes.

Rafe’s hard demeanor softened a bit at your name. His eyes flashed with a look Topper couldn’t pinpoint before turning cold again. He had every intention of showing up here and genuinely asking if you were okay. He knew he’d hurt you before and even more so now that he was engaged and you had no idea. Though it all went out the window when he heard his best friend had been at your house for hours, alone with you. The blonde grabbed the bottle of scotch off the counter, pouring himself a glass as he prepared for whatever Rafe was about to say to him.

“You two dating now? Just fucking or something?” the brunette scoffed, leaning back in the chair and crossing his arms over his chest.

“Did you really just ask me that?” Topper asked incredulously, face contorting into a look of disgust. You were a gorgeous girl, he wouldn’t deny it, but that was a line he’d never cross. He saw you as the older sibling he never had. He looked at Rafe over the rim of his glass whilst taking a sip. “Why do you care, man? You’re the one who cut her off.”

Rafe chewed on the inside of his lip, shaking his head as he avoided Topper’s gaze, “I don’t.”

“Clearly you do,” Topper argued, crossing the room until he stood at the other side of the coffee table from his best friend. “You ignored her until she stopped trying. You snuck around with her best friend for years, then got engaged to her. You swore everyone to silence and didn’t even tell her yourself like you said you would. You know she never told Sarah or her parents you weren’t even speaking?”

“Okay, Top, I get it,” Rafe said through gritted teeth. He knew what he did, and he knew he was wrong for it. He didn’t need it being thrown back in his face.

“Do you?” the blonde questioned, not thinking his friend was fully grasping the situation. He sat down opposite the brunette and rested his elbows on his knees. “She’s hurt, Rafe. She’s been hurting for the last five years and seeing you today… with Janelle of all people… It was a tipping point.”

Rafe rubbed his hand over his face, a frown pulling at the corners of his lips. He looked at Topper, regret swimming in his pale blue eyes and desperation lacing the tone of his voice, “What do I do? How do I fix this?”

“I don’t know if you can, man,” Topper replied honestly, shaking his head, “My best advice to you right now, is just leave her alone.”

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