#gods forbid im percieved

[mischiefmagpie]

Me: Damn I really love my OCs and I want other people to love them and ask about them and stuff.

Also me: Never posts anything about my OCs ever

[storywestistrash]

lowkey hate seeing people say "oh michael fans never talk about the fact that he did bad things" because 1. its literally not true and 2. for the kind of fan that i am its like. when you tell your friends or family or partner or whoever that you love them, do you say it like "i love and care about you deeply but i also recognize that youre a flawed individual whos made mistakes in their life and that youre not actually a good person. i am telling you this so you know that i realize how complex of a person you are and that i respect it" DO YOU HAVE STUPID??

[conanssummerchild]

it sucks when im constantly reminded that i'm only allowed to be autistic around my family when they decide, like my mum supports me until i actually have sensory issues or freak out over changes in plans or im "being a picky eater" or i don't mask and i ask "annoying" questions or say something in a tone she percieves as rude or do anything that just isnt acceptable. i keep forgetting and foolishly keep falling for it and letting myself think this is a safe space and then im reminded and it hits like a train every time, that i'm allowed to be autistic but god forbid i actually act Autistic

[deuces-diaries]

i am deeply irritated by my autism and how it affects me in my day to day life, especially with how others around me might percieve me for it-so i've quietly picked up the habit of calling myself a bunch of ableist slurs which probably doesnt help the predicament. but its hard to accurately describe the frustration i feel, being an adult with the mental function of a 16 year old. like yes i can articulate myself, i can do things i can take care of myself. but oh my god im such a dumb, fucking, moron. i try to do good things i TRY but it all falls flat on its face because it either goes unappreciated, wasnt necessary or i end up completely making a buffoon of myself. it feels wrong to say i have a disability but at the same time my life is complete and utter fuggin' trash because of how fucking stupid i am without realizing it or my thought patterns lead me into utter failure.without fail. i live with three functional, neurotypical old people and they all think im a moron and they hate me. very cool and awesome. autism really isnt a cutesy thing, you cant boil it down to "paw flaps" and "special interests" and "not understanding social cues/being a clueless innocent bean". like im an adult. i do adult things. im a complex individual. i dont even stim and i havent had a real hyperfixation in three years. and its actually really hard weaving around the R slur and using "innofensive" alternatives. im a fucking sperg. im a tard. i can try to fit in and allign with polite society but really all im good for is wasting money and being a burden on the entire household. if i was a bit more cooked i'd have a lenghty kiwifarms page dedicated to me i reckon. holy shit. holy shit i hate having autism.and i hate being queer too. all i really want is to be a cisgender, neurotypical man whose never touched social media in his life. but no im the utter and complete opposite of that and of COURSE i had to drag in faggotry into this oh and i can say FAG i can say FAG all i want but nooo god forbid i use the other slurs. dyke and tranny are only "acceptable" on account of faggot being so acclimated and normalized. and honestly the ableist terms have been normalized to be too, i dont want them to become widely used. but again, i feel like theres not much of a choice in the regard of how im supposed to voice my frustration with autism. its an eternal prism of just. being a moron. god.

[bruhbertwest]

i will never understand bigots, especially boomer/gen x ones. really, whats the point of it all? whats the point of enforcing two strict standards for men and women respectively? whats the point in devoting your entire life to appeal to as many people as possible??? all that does is weed out individuality and freedom of expression and make life miserable for you. people are different, people express themselves differently, go fucking cry about it

[wifkin]

i asked that before i found out you were a pos, but like, why are you transmysoginistic. like explain your logic i genuinely wanna know

its sad you have to hide behind anon to have a decent conversation.

the funniest part is im not even a “real” terf or whatever gender identity disorder is undeniably real. i identified as FTM for a decade. i still use he/him with those i am close to irl. but no matter what i do i am still a woman and will be percieved that way by most, and thus i am affected by womens issues and have the general life experience of a woman living in [current location] in [current era]. to the world you are no more than the sum of your parts, and accepting that will allow you to let go of issues like gender dysphoria

by the time i was 10 years old i was fully online, entrenched in TRA communities; i have been watching our community cannibalize itself for just as long. predators, abusers, rapists, pedophiles, you name it, are protected by other TRAs because it threatens to expose the cesspit of hypocrisy and sexual degeneracy literally screaming under the surface. being trans for men has become this thinly veiled golden ticket to dodge responsibilities and repercussions, to abuse those who disagree with your delusions, and to clout chase; for women it is an attempt to escape the cycle.

TIF circles are both perpetuating and victims of misogyny. they are hurt girls, usually heavily sexualized as children, or victims of sexual abuse. they tear down anything that can be construed as remotely feminine, as well as the women who partake, because they are trying to escape the discomfort of their oppression and sexualization via assimilation with the men that made them feel that way in the first place. it is escapism.

for TIMs, it is either a reaction to a feeling of failing at their own masculinity, to fulfill a degradation fetish, or a combination of the two. they are too weak, too fragile, too sensitive, too cowardly to be "real men", so they dress themselves up in some pornsick mockery of every girl they had wet dreams about when they were 13. i mean, why go through the effort of improving yourself, finding the qualities of yourself you like and want to hone in on, or god forbid INTROSPECTING, when all you have to do is put on a skirt and some clown paint for asspats? to them, a woman is the lowest, most degrading thing you could become. comprendo?

TRAs are only hurting their own, blindly fighting for their egos and what makes their dicks hard. degenerate men have sunk their claws into us and have twisted our suffering into a costume to be perverted and exploited; feeding you false, misogynistic, violent rhetoric in digestible twitter threads while women self-flagellate to desperately avoid being crucified by sissy hypno bugmen. its an ouroboros

it goes beyond a "social issue". this is being actively encouraged from the top down. it is systemic misogyny. i doubt you will read this but i will link you anyways.

transmisogyny is not real btw

[kidfoundonstreets]

HONESLTY THE ONLY REASON I AVOIDED JOINING FOR SO LONG WAS BECAUSE WHENEVBER I LOKED ON HERE I JUST SAQQW ART THAT WAS BETTER THAN MINE IN EVERY WAY AND IT MADE ME FEEL SO INSECURE?? SO I NEVER WENT OIN IT OFC IT DOESNT AFFECT ME AT ALKL NOW AND IM A LOT BETTER AT COMPARING MYSLEF BUT JESUJSUDSS  like hold on ill release my first draft ever i was actually afraid of reblogging cuz then thatd mean they might see me and god forbid being percieved

[pancake-surprise]

have you ever been stupidly perceived by a fucking uquiz. there’s this one from like 2 months ago maybe that i HAVEN’T STOPPED THINKING ABOUT. i took it twice and got:

there is so much to unpack here idk where to EVEN BEGIN lol. there’s a reason why i popped over to tumblr to do it lol. anyway. the first one doesn’t fuck me up that bad. like that’s just me. i accept this. and im flattered by this dumb quiz lol. the SECOND ONE THOUGH. listen when i say this helped me sort through some things i’m NOT LYING. WELL Maybe it pointed them out. sorting makes it sound like i solved it which I HAVE NOT. im speaking broadly about love rn. doesn’t have to be romantic. but like the moment i start to care about someone, something switches in my brain and i have to hide hide hide. god do you know how much love i have to give? to everyone? this sounds so fucking MELODRAMTIC LOL. who tf am i percy bysshe shelley? byron? GOD. sometimes i’m so stupidly overcome with affection for people (mostly speaking of friends atm) that i feel like im suffocating under the weight of it. but even in friendship, there is something so vulnerable, something that makes me feel like im splitting my chest open if i show it and god forbid if i admit it. that’s not inherently bad. but it is bad that i change my behavior and get like afraid loi. like damn i go from just knocking on my friend’s metaphorical (and real doors) to suddenly not knowing how to start a convo because in my head it’s so painfully obvious how much i care for them and isn’t that just the worst possible thing that they could know about me (it’s not, it’s just subconscious brain is wilding). i just. i’m. IDK SEEING IT WRITTEN THIS WAY AND THEN HAVING A FEW OTHER PPL VALIDATE IT MADE ME THINK REALLY HARD ABOUT SOME THINGS LMAO aNYway never doubt a fucking uquizzes ability to percieve you. this has been. me rambling. 

[guiltedlily]

1.18.23

7.37pm

the word “villian” has been dancing around my thoughts for weeks now. ive watched so many people in my life become the villain yet ive always tried to stay “good”. i have this urge to let myself go, not be self-destructive, the exact opposite of that. i want to be able to feel myself as my own person and not the dumbed down idea of somebody everybody sees as a kid because i deserve that. it feels like im the villain for that when in reality im standing up for myself. 

i joke about a “villain arc” as if i havent watched others crumble around me and become the real villain. even if it wasnt technically real, i still remember their actions piece by piece. i remember being called the bad guy for being childish and destructive because i had nothing else. not that it was necessarily right, but of all people, me? i watched communitites, nations, rise and fall by a handful of people, i realized that the people i trusted werent moral, i had my world shattered in front of me so many times over. im not asking to be coddled for that, but it makes me wonder why i stuck out as a villain to some

its so freeing to let myself exist without feeling like i have to water myself down but its scary sometimes. for my entire life, ive been known as the dumb kid who feels things too much and too hard. for my entire life ive been treated as a child when i was cheated out of the chance to actually be one. i convinced myself it was “healing” but i was being pushed back further. in all honesty, i feel emotionally stunted in a way. all those years of being treated and seen as a child make me feel as though i need to behave like one, like i dont understand anything and need somebody to cling onto. ive spent years clinging onto others and i have lost them every single time. 

im allowed to be my own person and i do not need somebody to define that for me

thats the single biggest thing ive had to face with.. all of this. lose everybody, gain myself. i cant live in the shadows of everybody else forever and i needed to realize that. i allowed myself to be pushed into boxes and constrained because god forbid im anybody but who others want me to be. i dont think its much of a coincidence that i only started seriously considering my gender once i wasnt under the influence of other people in my life and appeasing them. my gender is just a small portion of my identity that id repressed; there are still parts of the stupid kid that remain inside me, but im trying to take charge and allow myself to be better than that and really grow

i still think a lot about the times id broken down in front of people. i dont know if “regret” is the right word, but it terrifies me. id spent how long having my emotions used against me, and the moment i get comfortable expressing them more freely, im back at square one. a part of me would like to believe that they wont do that; itd be awful to use somebodys trauma and breakdowns against them, right? im forced to look back at my brother and remember the person he is. im forced to realize that maybe he wont always have a soft spot for me, that maybe me speaking out made him turn on me. it shatters my heart to consider but its unfortunately something i need to be aware of

i can tell myself time and time again “he had some sort of reasoning to prod at people the way he did”, but did he? all because he percieved these people as “bad” and considered himself any better. time and time again, i have to realize that im not a stranger to familial wrath. i would believe he could justify anything he does, and thats horrifying in a sense. does it give you a sense of gratification to jab your finger into peoples trauma, or do you only care when it becomes a threat to those you supposedly care about? 

when i think about people, my mind is cluttered with questions to them. im perpetually curious and its never quite quenched. i could fill a notebook of questions that i will never ask and i know i will never receive that closure. i could know every single thing about their thought processes but it wouldnt heal

8.20pm

[forestryfae]

anyways fuck dad for telling me he thinks my brother and i are too harsh with eachother and i need to be the bigger person and be nicer. “maybe its hard for him to respond to your text” he liteally sends me textsthat say “can i borrow x amount” then doesnt say thanks or please, he had the audacity to ask me for 1500 extra on top and was only gonna pay me back the 1500 he owed me from before, not the 3000 he would owe me. every time we talk and i say something he has to fucking cross examine me, judges me, picks it apart, brings up past issues or imagined issues or shit im working on, just repeats hit moms said or forces his narrative. i shouldnt go to school again because HE found it hard and dropped out because of the schoolwork. i dropped out because my ocd was starving me and i spent 15-45 minutes JUST on washing my hands and eventually got too sick to leave the apartment i was shoved in after i got worse. that is NOT the same thing. but yeah. sure. my brother didnt clean up aftr himself or do chores and if dad asked he could just say no or i dont want to, so dad turned around and asked me instead then yelled at me when i said no because it wasnt my mess and it was unfair i had to do everything when they did nothing. same vibes. brother is being rude and kind of cruel if im being honest, dad doesnt even try to fix it or point it out or defend me when hes sitting there with us, and sometimes makes it worse by further riling me up by pointing out everything i cant do or struggle with and being unsupportive, but i have to be nicer and kinder and more accomodating so its easier for everyone else. and somehow IM the only one he talks to about it and im the only one who has to do something because god forbid he discipline his spoiled, selfcentered, rude child who fucking cries and refuses to listen at the tiniest fucking percieved provocation or the tiniest scolding because he cant handle the world not revolving around him. its fucking unfair. i shoudlnt have to hold my rage and anger inside me all the time so other people dont get rightfully uncomfortable. its been 6 fucking months since he borrowed money. he paid me back 1k 5 months ago. then said he cant pay more than 500 every time he gets paid. just INFORMED me that he had to do it that way, DIDNT ASK if it was okay, borrowed more money later, then tried to borrow more money and promised to pay back what he already owed me from before but not the new 1500, then was rude and short with me when i got mad at him and pointed out he owed me that much. havent fucking heard from him since despite the fact that dad gave him a lower rent for december. and the majority of times when hes texted or contacted me first was to ask to borrow money or traumadump. i think, at this point, rage and anger are the only appropriate reponses. its fuckin ridicilous. its disrespectful. its offensive. what the fuck. ive been pretty fucking lenient and ive been pretty fucking nice. i am NOT being unreasonably harsh by reminding him with ONE passive aggressive text that he owes me money. i have bills to pay and groceries i need to buy. 1500 is either a lot of gorceries at once or two-three grocery trips depending on what i buy. its a whole power bill or two thirds of insurance. its not an insignificant amount.

[smellyfeller]

Ok i have a lot to unload. My fucking brother. Came and did his stupd shit where he condescending ly and passive aggressively told me he belived my opinion was ridiculous and inferior. "I cant believe you thought that about that movie." Thought that Split is very gross and not something i expect to be groundbreaking in any fucking way. Because its advertised as a thriller. Its abt someone who has DID who !!wow!!!!surprise!!! Is the main antag. That its an overdone as fuck template ass movie about someone who "is cr*zy and unpredictable" So i talked to him abt textbook mainstream media perpetuation through stereotypes and 2d characters and stigma and generalizations based on a lack of perspective in that area. Ok. Then i decided to watch it with my fam to confirm my suspicion. Lmao. He kept trying to rationalize that stupid ppl will do what they want they stupid n irrelevant bcause theyre too dumb to not grab the stigmatizing ideas w/in identities and vilify ppl ( like pretending a member of that demographic is literally president and making decisions based on generalizing stigma:))))) ) Bcause hes "smart enought to not have those stigmas whilr watching a GOOD movie : )" (aka i cant be critical of obvious flaws in ppl/movies if theyre 'genious'!!!) Yea well im smart enough to be critical and notice those things bcause they literally create stigmas abt people to become innate in people!! Bcause unlike people blinded by their self prioritizing privilege, im able to see how this spreads throughout my school. Or how IM affected by dangerous stereotypes that come from mainstream shit!!! It made me so angry. But in a fun way. The person w/ DID ofc had a ("""hehhe that is obviously a man in a dress!!! How silly!!! U really shocked us ths time Nighttime Shamham!!!!""" ) female alter, a "gay" designer alt, etc. The whole time the forced atmosphere was "i know that guy seems sweet rn as a 9yr old or charismatic Jersey boy but!!! Hes UNPREDICTABLE!!!! we've seen that he'll SNAP at any moment! Hes conniving n malicious!" Also his origin story ( basically his childhood of abuse and physiological abuse that led to CPTSD and DID) was umm very rushed. + oops it just turns out this guy is like a member of the xmen! So the whole message about DID developing thru trauma is bullshit i guess? Bcause hes basically gone thru a identity exp just so ppl could see him manifest an invincible monster with his "supernatural brain powers as someone w/ DID"??" Idk. I didn't see Unbreakable Me writing this helps a lot but basically i just.... Had a very Bad argument w/ my neurotypical ass family who cant see the importants of how it is percieved over what the presenter intended u know? And i started sobbing and no one would let me speak!!! Or God forbid take me seriously and hear what im saying!!! But w/e Like ive literally been forced into a discussion w/ ppl who, when they (subconsciously) say people who register guns w/ no mental illness background who decide to kill ppl "are mentally unstable and obviously have something very wrong w/ them" are the same as mentally ill ppl who own guns IDK and when white ppl try to v defensively convince me that they or someone else "IS ! NOT! RACIST bcause calling ppl that is very harsh!! And he has a black wife! And you shouldnt call anyone racist as a first resort because its attacking!!"(i responded w/ 'thats what a racist would say' and she gave me the FUCKING DEATH GLARE) But um hunty ur prejudice and if you get overly defensive when someone calls you out for something shitty u always do and calls it/you racist u might just be racist!! And obsessed w urself...Oof