#gods I'm tired and I'm sad

[oneeyedoctogod]

Disclaimer: long, extremely personal rant. Yes, it's also about mdzs and Jiang Cheng but mainly, it's about me trying to deal with my own trauma when I'm being hit in the face (metaphorically) with it by putting my feelings into words. The posting is so I don't erase it and force myself to forget about it.

You know it's funny, but as I was trying to sleep (and failing. Badly. It's 2:38 am.) I kept on finding myself thinking about why I didn't like Jiang Cheng. Because you see, it's rare for me to dislike a character that much, to the point I actually have blacklisted all his tags and avoid any fics that talk about him positively.

(Again, this is an extremely personal post about my own feelings. This is not meant as a rebuke if you love him. On the contrary. Keep doing what sparks joy. Just, you know, far away from me.)

I have a funny history with the mdzs fandom. I first started watching the donghua when it started airing back in... 2018? 2019? Can't remember for sure. Then I was left hungry for more because only the first season had aired, and it ended on a big cliffhanger. I saw it was an adaptation, so I went looking for the source material... and found the manhua (I was used to japanese animation at that point and thought that was it). The manhua was also being fan translated, and despite being extremely different (and confusing for poor past me), ALSO left me on a cliffhanger. I was desperate and saw someone pointing out there was a novel! I finally found it, read it in a few nights, and loved it. I read a bunch of fics, enjoyed myself, met and befriended people. Then I moved on after a while. I remember, distinctly, that I wasn't a big fan of Jiang Cheng but that I could at least stomach him in fics.

Last December, I felt the urge to reread some mdzs fics. I read some popular ones and, after falling into the animatics and amvs rabbit hole, decided to rewatch the donghua. Except for some reason, Jiang Cheng's character rubbed me wrong. I remembered not liking him much but he wasn't that bad in the fics so I couldn't see why he was so distasteful in the donghua. I'd been warned that the donghua wasn't that faithful (my own memory was extremely hazy), so I just shrugged it off. Maybe the people behind the donghua weren't fans of jc?

I saw there was an official translation of the novel and, by that point, DEEP into the hyper fixation, I bought all four available volumes and read them. At the same time, I was still reading fics. It was fine after all, I already knew the story.

By then, I had realized something was a little wrong with the characteristization. Some of the tropes given to Wei Wuxian rubbed me the wrong way. I looked it up a little (remade a tumblr, found amazing meta, the rest is history) and figured "Ah that must be cql fics. That's the problem."

And yes, that's true. In part.

The other problem lies with the particular way some people write Jiang Cheng. I'll be clear again: I have nothing against those people. Most of them I don't know and I'm aware this is very much a, shall we say, "me" problem. It's why I avoid the positive Jiang Cheng content. I don't care if you keep writing it so long as you keep it away from the canon jc tag.

But whenever people write Jiang Cheng and completely erase his crimes and abuse of both Wei Wuxian and Jin Ling, I feel it like a slap on the face.

Last Monday, I saw a therapist and talked about her about many things (I did warn this would be a very personal post). Part of it was my mother and her treatment of me and my brothers. And after barely a few words, she said, very simply "Oh so your mother abused you."

I already knew that. I use those words myself to describe my history with her. But the validation is always nice to hear, you know? Especially because so many people try or have tried to brush it off as "nothing." My own mother did, both about her own behaviour and when I was being abused by other people and tried to seek her help. Hell, even I still do it sometimes.

And I think that's why I hate Jiang Cheng so damn much now. His canon self is... Well, I'm not a fan, but he's a well-written antagonist. But dear gods, I've seen so many people brush off his canon characteristics to make him into a more palatable character, the loving uncle, the funny tsundere brother, the ace guy who hates mushy romance (let me tell you, as an ace person I am also real fucking tired of homophobic characters being hc as ace)... Even the ones who mention his bad parts feel the need to immediately add his achievements, as if they don't dare speak badly of their fave. "Yes, he tortured Wei Wuxian, but he also sacrificed his core to save him!" "Yes, he hit and verbally abused Jin Ling, but he also lovingly raised him!" "Yes, he tortured and killed innocent people but he also has trauma and had to lead a sect when he was so young!"

And this feels familiar, every time. This feels like the people telling me "Yes but it's not that bad" or saying "Yes your mother gave you panic attacks but she made sure you didn't fail at school" or "Yes but she made you love reading" or "Yes but she gave you so much, don't be selfish" or "Yes but she was here for you when you were depressed" or "Yes but she has it hard too" until I fell in the habit of saying "Sure, my mother insulted me and threatened me financially and there was a long, long time I was convinced she didn't love me... but."

Always that damn BUT.

So you might be able to understand why I have a hard time with Jiang Cheng when people pull the same shit all thenfucking time. I'm working on it because I'd rather not be stuck feeling anxious about a silly purple grape just because he happens to be fandom fave in my current hyperfixation but in the meantime, I have to deal with it and it's... annoying. To say the least.

(I'm going to insist here: I know that Jiang Cheng isn't my mother. That's not the point here. I am fully aware he's a fictional character and that me feeling that way is something I should be working on. I am. And I'm not telling people to stop writing positive content for him. This is just me trying to put into words my complicated feelings for a complicated character. And ranting, a little bit, about badly tagged fics I admit.)

It's easier on social media. You just block the characters tag and, if people bother you about it, you block them. Friends being friends, I just need to tell them "I don't feel comfortable talking about this character" or "let's agree to disagree on this interpretation" and because my friends are the best, they agree and we move on.

Fanfiction is where the problem lies.

I know why people erase the 'hard' parts, or at least I have a good guess. It's easier that way. Fanfiction is about having fun! It's about writing about your blorbos the way you want to! I don't want to police anyone's content. I'd just like it if people tagged their OOC and stopped trying to make me feel as if I'm the one who misread the book because I don't feel like erasing the canonical abuse this character did or because I don't like that they keep putting down my favorite character to uplift theirs.

I'm not sure how to conclude this. I should be sleeping honestly.

Let's try this: if you read this to the end, congrats I guess. I want to reiterate I don't care if you make Jiang Cheng into the most loving, best brother and uncle ever. Just be aware of what you're erasing first. And tag your goddamn fics.

[rawliverandcigarettes]

Thinking about Mass Effect, as you do, and how I'm kind of sad that the way it's been engraved in pop culture has more to do with the way internet reacted to it at the time than what the actual game is about. Yes sure, it's about romance (and not that much all things considered) and it's pulpy (but not solely because of hot lady aliens), but it's also intricate worldbuilding that touches on a lot of sharp ideas, and a complicated tug-of-war between a genuine and vulnerable belief in reconciliation and community VS post 9-11 US military propaganda and steadfast belief in heroic exceptionalism, and the melancholic yet energizing mood, and the daring narrative systems, and so so much more than the 'We'll Bang OKs" and the "There's No Shepard Without Vakarian" and the whole ME3 ending situation

It's all there, but I'm sad the impact of the series is often reduced to (what I think is) the least interesting parts of its sum

[starry-bi-sky]

realizing i have. a lot of untapped trauma potential for clone^2 danny because i just Fully Processed Four Months Late the fact that his parents were capturing and torturing ghosts in the basement before he became Phantom. and the fact that he was on house rest for 2 weeks. during that time period. and he wasn't really leaving the house. he could hear their screaming through the floorboards

*points at clone danny* i can give you suuuuuuch a bad time babe ahaha. i've got two untouched years before you meet damian what fucks you up before then

[thekittyokat]

you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah

[pyunyrage]

silly, silly girl...

[tales-of-magic-and-chaos]

The probability of Loki having a gigantic crush on Stephen upon meeting him is 100%.

[average-mako-enjoyer]

People are still reposting this thread with my gifs, and I have part 3 somewhere deep in my drafts, and I probably should post it, but...

I keep thinking about something in that scene where Shepard and Liara are talking to Hackett. I keep thinking about the fact that these two things are about 20 seconds apart.

I keep thinking about what this says about Shepard as a person. I think about this a lot.

[coldlikethestars]

.

[kaisollisto]

[foreverxdaydreaming]

x

[bugmistake]

the crazy thing about having low self esteem is that it doesn't just hurt you, actually

[zimszim]

the scene where the doctor tells kate that he doesn't have kids yet is such a crazy ass thing to say just randomly but i love how when kate tells him that she never knew he had a granddaughter based off of the stories her father told her as a child, he tells her "I was a different Doctor back then, Kate. Great enigma. Still can't shake it off. I'm trying." which is so heartbreaking and it crushes me because it's already so apparent how badly he wants to change from this closed off, holds everything in his heart and then one day he'll die type of person. he wants to be better than that. for himself, for his friends. and he fails sometimes too, he gets closed off, like in rogue, he just tries to move on but ruby doesn't let him. but even that, he doesn't hug her fully, with all of his grief and fear. he's still holding back, but he's trying. and it hurts him. he's trying to be open and truthful and with that openness i feel like he's realizing just how painful life is without all those fortified walls up, how deeply grief can seep into him, but inversely, how fierce he can love and hate and fear and hope!!! everything is brighter and burns hotter when those barricades are down and its for the best and worst

[syrenki]

my family was just robbed of two thousands and my grandmother was denied a permanent residence card despite her daughter and grandchildren having lived here for 20 years and despite her being 80, so she can only spend a total of 90 days here in the next 5 years, and we can't visit her because we'll be arrested as soon as we cross the border, all this together meaning she will probably die alone there. and how are the rest of you all doing

[thecluelessdoctor]

I'm back

[jamtartandsunshine]

Someone commented on God the kid looks so sad asking if I was going to continue it and the answer is yes absolutely I'm just fighting through some writers block but I do have half of the next chapter written and I thought I'd share a snippet just in an attempt to nudge open the floodgates in my tired little brain ________________________________________________ Roy only has to much self-restraint. Turns out when you let a kid sob into your chest, you fucking care about them or some shit. Or that’s what he tells himself as he bangs on Jamie’s door on their one day off. “Roy?” Jamie says confused as he opens the door. “Yeah, its fucking me” Roy says pushing past Jamie with bags in his hands. “What are you doing here?” “I’m making you lunch.” “You what?” Jamie asks trailing behind Roy as he walks into Jamie’s kitchen and starts unpacking his shopping bags. “I’m making you lunch” Roy repeats. “You’ve lost weight” “Just a little” Jamie says blushing slightly. “Enough that I noticed” Roy points out pulling out a bag of potatoes and a bag of brown rice.

[pyunyrage]