#god works hard but amanda fans work harder

[sombrashe]

[bisexual-yuri]

Talent and Blessings Don’t Matter in the Hospital (Lessons from ECMC)

There is only so much process you can reasonably expect someone to do 

I feel like I’ve hit my limit

Shit’s got me feeling bored and stupid like the village idiot 

Need my creativity need a job 

I’m all full of all sort of needs to sort out this agony of idleness

They say it’s a kindness to myself to take so much time to myself but what do I do all by myself except circle a drain I don’t want to drain out of?

Can I take a plane or a train off this cliff of boredom without alarming me and everyone that loves me?

Still processing neuropathy and dark shit discussed in therapy 

Like the fact that the nurses sedated me against my will needlessly because they were scared of me 

Don’t care that they’re the real scary she’s, the real scary ones 

The ones keeping me locked away from the sun and the fan

It felt like nobody cared that the son of God sees all including patient abuse, including how if you scary enough they’ll take your fuckin’ shoes 

They don’t got a clue the trauma they causer with the drama and gel/powder painted claws, damaging psych mentality, my prayer is done so more it be

Amanda and JD, were they manic or just anxious?

Why did Corey have to take all this?

Why won’t Fawzi just get all the words out?

Why wouldn’t they just let Jaxem the fuck out?

People no danger to themselves or me

Still in lockup, docs give no fucks you see 

False profits and false prophets get out easy

Druggin’ the fun out of Aggie

You ain’t fun no more, that’s how you get free

Behavior in the health, good behavior in hell

And it doesn’t even come with Mercy

Quitting’ Cymbalta cold turkey

Can’t see color, can’t smell nothin’, feelin’ wonky

Temperature a mess, cold water on hot hands

No one cares to listen, no one really understands that big emotions are not themselves a disease

Drug’ll fuck your mind up till you can’t even see

I’m Eliza spitting’ rhymes now, not lies now, no I’m no fucking donkey

It’s a song but I wrote it in the wrong key

Singin’ red teeth, spitting truth through the nose bleed 

Now I got time to kill but no blood to spill

You can’t take anything further away from me

Robbed of all my autonomy, my work and my loves all a trifecta of purgatory

Abuse and sex crimes by blonde bitches who look at me and see witches

Plural

I’m just one person, big feelings on a fleshly mural 

Trying to make sense of the senseless violence done to me 

Trying to make sense of the senseless violence done period 

I’m deadly serious 

This shit needs to get a hard look at it 

A world full of angels seeking their halos and wings, instead get shot down with syringes and bans that take wedding rings 

No wedding ring for me, no wedding ring for Sarah not even a tattoo

In the hospital they treat you like a damn fool and then wonder why you behave any differently 

Sorry ECMC but the truth you saw in there ain’t the real me, it’s the me you brought out of me

It’s the eagle you carved out of a hummingbird that was trying to rest on a dead tree

I’m not a dead me, I’m just me, so why did you try killing me to make me whole again?

I’ll tell you doc, you have cost me all sorts of friends by locking me up in this shit 

Made some new ones too, but the anger and the loss are harder pills to swallow than anything you gave me in follow up

Divorce the PTSD, divorce from real me, you people never trusted me to take care of me

It’s scary

I know in a moment I had lost my mind, but damn is that license to be so fucking unkind? 

How am I supposed to find peace in the belly of the beast? 

How is anyone supposed to heal when you hit them hard with rules about what is and isn’t real?

Makes you wonder who’s the delusional one, the patients or the system

All I know is the needle toothed fucker takes everyone as a victim and doesn’t care if we scream or we cry

More fuel for the fire, more reasons to make people want to die to escape this

I know Al, you’re still here and you can’t take this 

Neither can I, knowing people suffer every day in this hellfire of some hospital’s fucked up design 

But what can I do, I’m just one person and I don’t even have a second shoe to drop because of what the hospital took from me 

I have a lot of friends, lot of family 

Most people ain’t so lucky

Screaming on the wind “why did you do this to me and him and her and them and everybody?”

I wish I knew an answer, I wish I had a better answer than just to scream

Maybe someday when I am healed I will have energy to dream of a better future for this

But for now, all I can do is sleep

[jovenshires]

i did it, i read the whole thing in a day i'm not a sportsy gal, i have asthma, and was always bad playing whatever, also i'm not really competitive, so not usually a universe that calls me, you know. But we are spommy simps, what can I do. Also, big fan of your stories, and a fan of a rival to lovers trope. I just had to. Loved everything about it. At the end, i also got emotional over a bunch of fictional teens playing soccer. Coach Amanda? I'm here for it. Bonus that i'm contemplative because new years, 2024 i'll have some mor leadership responsabilities at work and i'm kinda not feeling myself so, yeah, spence, i feel you. The whole story put my mind in a good place. And I can barely wait for all the spin offs and all other stuff I know you will post as well. Like, you could share the charts mapping you said you had, and what was your thinking process behind some stuff like who as goind to be in each team and so on.

!!!!!!! this is SO so kind omg this made my whole day :')

i am no longer sporty so i totally understand you!!! im honestly shocked people read this at all LKNDFLKSNGKLNR but im honored yall did <3 thank you so, so, SO much. trust me i am emotional about the cheetahs at all times......... they are everything to me i love that dynamic. and yes im the same about all the responsibilities!!!! KALFNLKFNNR you know me so well - there's a prequel and two sequels planned ! (at least. idk where else we'll go but i Know those are in the works <3)

OH well if you insist..... @spencersagnew also asked me for this in a comment on ao3 so i suppose.... (i am dying to talk about it for the love of god). i will say if you're interested..... a lil edit might be dropping tonight that also says some of this stuff. IF you wanna wait for that. anywho all the info-dumping lore under the cut:

okay SO. i have all of the positions for the main two schools AND all the other schools charles/sorrow played. i will just post this for now but if you want other shit (ages and why i chose them, explanations on the positions, all the easter eggs, why i chose the school names, all the minor school MASCOTS bc the devil works hard but i work harder, etc. whatever you want i will never stop talking ab this fic) pls let me know.

ANYWAY. main cast:

and minor cast:

as for who went on what team - i built the Main Friend Groups first (spencer/damien/shayne/alex and tommy/keith/chanse), then built the cheetahs (bc i knew this was gonna be spencer's pov), and then the pirates!!

i knew i wanted shayne as like... spencer's confidant, his right hand man, etc. so he was the basis. and where shayne goes (and where my relationships/dynamics developed), damien goes. and alex was ORIGINALLY going to be the only person spencer could stand from the other team but. things got moved around and yk i love the games pod squad. so that was the core of that!!

after that, i also decided who i wanted to be in tommy's lil friend group. i Knew i wanted keith there - underrated duo tbqh. i also put him there as a parallel / equal to damien, the two who tried their best to bridge the teams together. keith is a Bitch but he's also a people person so he just made sense to me for the pirates. the pirates... i could only describe their energy as cunty. like they're all assholes in the opposite way of the cheetahs. the cheetahs are fight first ask questions later, and the pirates are gonna study you and then deconstruct all of your insecurities to cut you down. so very keith to me !

chanse was also included bc 1. that is his energy come on, and 2. he's. he's tommy but again. like joven is to tommy as tommy is to chanse. like obviously he's different but he's there to parallel that relationship. that's his best friend, his pseudo older brother, his mentor!! chanse is THE number one tommy bowe defender. period.

okay so onto the cheetahs. i knew i wanted to feature..... whatever patrick and jeremy have going on. i also thought they had pretty contrasting personalities to the four i was starting with. (jeremy in particular became... smth so personal. iwks!jeremy is his own entity. i am OBSESSED with him you guys have no idea. thats my lil best friend i wanna keep him on a shelf.) then i was like 'ykw they need. a third buddy who is so tired of their shit and yet has nowhere else to go.' my apologies to ify bc he has to suffer <3 he's so himbo trapped as the third wheel coded okay and someone has to be there for alex next year !

i started assigning positions next. and i decided i wanted spencer as a midfielder and he needed like. a partner. an equivalent. and i ended up going with brennan bc that just made so much sense to me. it needed to be someone spencer trusts, someone who he could communicate with in silence. brennan may be quiet but like he's a killer. i also just wanted some more people spencer's close with - like rock, who he's worked with like forever. rock is also just. the most sane insane person to me. like his sense of humor is fucking crazy but also if he thinks you're being dumb he WILL tell you to stfu.

tim also kind of falls into this 'people spencer gets along with' category, but honestly. this was pure selfishness. i just love tim. the bit where he didn't speak the entire time gave ME personally a really good chuckle. he's an icon and also as someone who played defense/goalie, i was biased choosing my defense/goalies. and i think tim is just such a good pick for goalie there i said it thats my guy. marcus however was pure selfishness. i needed a silly lil freshman. i chose my bud marcus. he's one of my fave Background characters in this fic because everyone's like "well........... after what happened Last Year.........." and marcus is like haha! so true! what happened :) like there's not a clue in his fucking head he just loves his captain and i love HIM for that

and then the pirates were a combo of Who Was Left and who i wanted to feature. i liked this idea of aguilar as a mythic mean bitch who's always lurking. garrett of course had to get a shoutout (my beloved goalie <3<3<3 imagine how HE FEELS letting in that final goal rn huh). and shoutout to all the guys i didn't really cover but who i think about all the time - luke being a dry humored asshole, duran banging his head against the wall, josh and peter So Scared of the atmosphere but happy to be a part of something. i love them all their dynamic is also funny to me in my brain where it lives <3

ty so so much for giving me an excuse to lore dump i adore you <3<3<3

[bisexual-yuri]

Talent and Blessings Don’t Matter in the Hospital (Lessons from ECMC)

There is only so much process you can reasonably expect someone to do 

I feel like I’ve hit my limit

Shit’s got me feeling bored and stupid like the village idiot 

Need my creativity need a job 

I’m all full of all sort of needs to sort out this agony of idleness

They say it’s a kindness to myself to take so much time to myself but what do I do all by myself except circle a drain I don’t want to drain out of?

Can I take a plane or a train off this cliff of boredom without alarming me and everyone that loves me?

Still processing neuropathy and dark shit discussed in therapy 

Like the fact that the nurses sedated me against my will needlessly because they were scared of me 

Don’t care that they’re the real scary she’s, the real scary ones 

The ones keeping me locked away from the sun and the fan

It felt like nobody cared that the son of God sees all including patient abuse, including how if you scary enough they’ll take your fuckin’ shoes 

They don’t got a clue the trauma they causer with the drama and gel/powder painted claws, damaging psych mentality, my prayer is done so more it be

Amanda and JD, were they manic or just anxious?

Why did Corey have to take all this?

Why won’t Fawzi just get all the words out?

Why wouldn’t they just let Jaxem the fuck out?

People no danger to themselves or me

Still in lockup, docs give no fucks you see 

False profits and false prophets get out easy

Druggin’ the fun out of Aggie

You ain’t fun no more, that’s how you get free

Behavior in the health, good behavior in hell

And it doesn’t even come with Mercy

Quitting’ Cymbalta cold turkey

Can’t see color, can’t smell nothin’, feelin’ wonky

Temperature a mess, cold water on hot hands

No one cares to listen, no one really understands that big emotions are not themselves a disease

Drug’ll fuck your mind up till you can’t even see

I’m Eliza spitting’ rhymes now, not lies now, no I’m no fucking donkey

It’s a song but I wrote it in the wrong key

Singin’ red teeth, spitting truth through the nose bleed 

Now I got time to kill but no blood to spill

You can’t take anything further away from me

Robbed of all my autonomy, my work and my loves all a trifecta of purgatory

Abuse and sex crimes by blonde bitches who look at me and see witches

Plural

I’m just one person, big feelings on a fleshly mural 

Trying to make sense of the senseless violence done to me 

Trying to make sense of the senseless violence done period 

I’m deadly serious 

This shit needs to get a hard look at it 

A world full of angels seeking their halos and wings, instead get shot down with syringes and bans that take wedding rings 

No wedding ring for me, no wedding ring for Sarah not even a tattoo

In the hospital they treat you like a damn fool and then wonder why you behave any differently 

Sorry ECMC but the truth you saw in there ain’t the real me, it’s the me you brought out of me

It’s the eagle you carved out of a hummingbird that was trying to rest on a dead tree

I’m not a dead me, I’m just me, so why did you try killing me to make me whole again?

I’ll tell you doc, you have cost me all sorts of friends by locking me up in this shit 

Made some new ones too, but the anger and the loss are harder pills to swallow than anything you gave me in follow up

Divorce the PTSD, divorce from real me, you people never trusted me to take care of me

It’s scary

I know in a moment I had lost my mind, but damn is that license to be so fucking unkind? 

How am I supposed to find peace in the belly of the beast? 

How is anyone supposed to heal when you hit them hard with rules about what is and isn’t real?

Makes you wonder who’s the delusional one, the patients or the system

All I know is the needle toothed fucker takes everyone as a victim and doesn’t care if we scream or we cry

More fuel for the fire, more reasons to make people want to die to escape this

I know Al, you’re still here and you can’t take this 

Neither can I, knowing people suffer every day in this hellfire of some hospital’s fucked up design 

But what can I do, I’m just one person and I don’t even have a second shoe to drop because of what the hospital took from me 

I have a lot of friends, lot of family 

Most people ain’t so lucky

Screaming on the wind “why did you do this to me and him and her and them and everybody?”

I wish I knew an answer, I wish I had a better answer than just to scream

Maybe someday when I am healed I will have energy to dream of a better future for this

But for now, all I can do is sleep

[dweetwise]

Okay, hear me out, dbd x atla!! How do you think the killers will react to a bender survivor!! I cackle at the idea of the killers having an "oh shit" moment when the survivors square up with some fire/earth/air/water bending!! Not saying s/o has to be the avatar but I still think it's a cool idea.

sooo i’ve never actually watched atla and i did “basic” elemental magic powers instead 👉👈 i hope it’s still ok! also this is more of a “why the killers would hate your guts” because let’s face it this op as hecc

Killers’ opinions on survivor with elemental powers (crack)

Evan is pissed that it only takes a small earthquake from you to disarm all of his traps and hard work.

Philip has some issues with fire. He'd rather stay cloaked and avoid you, content to give you hatch after each match.

Max is still sad that you were able to rust his chainsaw by jamming some well-placed water into the mechanisms. Prepare to face an angry M1lly every trial.

Sally floats. You bend air. Bye-bye Sally! Blown to the other side of the map.

Myers doesn't care. You've literally thrown all the elements at him and he just keeps walking.

Lisa hates that you have such a wide arsenal to disable her traps, either by cracking the ground beneath them or setting fire to them.

Herman gets electrocuted every time you manage to cover him in water. He can't go into treatment mode and he brings a mori every time he sees you in the lobby.

Anna isn't bothered. At first, you used a strong gust of air to try to change her hatchets' direction, but she just learned to throw harder, much to the dismay of your team. 

Bubba can't swim and is terrified of water. A small party trick of conjuring some up in your palm will have him scurrying away to hide in the basement.

Freddy is scared of fire, and, similar to Bubba, you only have to let a small flicker form on the tip of your finger to trigger his PTSD. It’s safe to say he’s not a fan.

Amanda is mostly intrigued. She likes seeing what new tricks you try to come up with to outsmart her, but so far her reverse beartraps have always won over your magic.

Jeffrey figured out the hard way that his gas is flammable. He finds it annoying that he has to do an extra workout and walk around the gas clouds with you in the trial unless he wants to get barbecued.

Rin hates your powers ever since you once made a small tornado around her. It wasn’t so bad until the wind picked up her floating limbs and scattered them all over the map.

Frank absolutely despises you, especially when you make roots spring up from the ground when he's frenzying so he trips and falls on his face.

Julie brings a green mori for you because you accidentally singed half of the Ormond lodge when you were trying to block a doorway with a wall of fire. Nobody is allowed to vandalize her home!

Susie is still pissed over that one time when you made her skirt fly up Marilyn Monroe style while trying to push her back with an airflow. Behind the mask, she'll glare and pout each time she sees you.

Joey hates getting wet because it makes his rad outfit cling to him grossly. It doesn't even slow him down, it just makes him more determined to kill you.

Adiris thinks you’re a “chosen one”, how else could you possibly have these powers if not by a blessing of a god? She’ll kill everyone else and then follow you praying and groveling until you find hatch.

Danny is one of the smaller killers, and combined with his very non-aerodynamic cape, a strong gust of wind from you is enough to knock him on his ass. It does way more damage to his ego than his actual performance in trials.

Demogorgon is afraid of fire. The end; you win. Every trial. 

Kazan instantly goes into rage mode if you get water on his katana. He thinks you’re desecrating it and only the blood of the unworthy may stain it.

Caleb hates you, as you've managed to jam his rifle with both water and dirt, rendering him useless for the trial. He’s taken to throwing Anna’s hatchets because if you’re allowed to break the rules, he should be too.

Pyramid Head is definitely not a fan. You always will the earth to close to remove his torment, and even managed to get his sword stuck in the ground once.

[mandeebobandee]

Together

This is for Amanda ( @vigilantvirgil ), who is celebrating her birthday today. It’s a Moxiety drabble that was inspired by how she met her partner, CJ ( @artistictaurean ) in the Sanders Sides fandom and the love that soon blossomed between them. It could also be seen as a late birthday present for CJ, in fact, as they celebrated their birthday earlier this month as well! Happy birthday, Amanda, and I hope you enjoy this! (You as well, CJ!)

There was so much that Virgil Casey worried about. He never did like change much, and he was about to undergo a huge change in his life.

"Are you nervous?" his older brother Logan asked, eyeing him concernedly. Virgil shook his head. Logan eyed him with a skeptical expression. "What? I'm really not!" Virgil protested. "You're shaking like a leaf," Logan noted with the slightest of smirks. "But I'm not nervous!" Virgil argued. And truth be told? He wasn't. Yes, he was shaking. But it wasn't out of nervousness. It was out of excitement. Several months before, he'd met the most amazing person online - Patton Foster. The two initially met because they were both huge fans of the Youtuber Thomas Sanders, but the more they talked the more they realized they had far more in common than just their fandom preferences. First they became good friends, but that friendship soon grew into something more. They talked every day. It started with just texts, but soon morphed into phone calls and video chats. Life didn't always come easy for Virgil, and some days were more of a struggle than others. Patton always made it better just by being there, but the distance was hard - and only grew harder the deeper they fell for one another. But that was in the past. After months of hard-work and saving, Virgil and Patton were moving in with one another, and Virgil was utterly ecstatic. "Here they come," Logan's voice jolted him from his thoughts, and he glanced down the hall. Several people made their way toward the luggage carousel, but Virgil only had eyes for two of them. One was a young man who looked vaguely familiar from pictures Patton sent him. Virgil presumed that this was Patton's younger brother, Roman. The other was Patton themself. Virgil's legs began to move before his mind could catch up with them. Once Patton recognized him, they threw their arms open and flashed the biggest smile Virgil had ever seen. God, Virgil loved this person. Virgil wasn't usually one for hugs, but he met Patton's bear hug with one of his own. "I love you so much," Virgil whispered into their ear. "I love you too," Patton whispered to him in return. And though they still stood in the midst of a crowded airport, Virgil would swear that it felt as if they were the only two people in the world in that moment. He closed his eyes and rested his head on Patton's shoulder, savoring the fact that they were together at last. 

[atc74]

Poor Little Rich Girl

Square Filled: Impala Sex

Warnings: Impala sex, unprotected sex, arranged/forced marriage, minor physical assault

Summary: Dean is in love with Y/N, Jo wants what isn’t hers and Mafia boss Ellen gives John Winchester an ultimatum that will change the lives of everyone involved.

Pairing: Dean x Reader, Dean x Jo

Word Count: 907

Written for: @spnkinkbingo and @supernatural-jackles #weekly writing challenge, prompt will be in bold below. 

Beta’d by: @hannahindie - you are always there when I need you!

Wonder what Dean or John might smell like? Buy it here from @scentsfromthebunker for the full fan experience!

A/N: This is part two of a three part mini series. This series paints Jo in a very bad light. I’m not sorry. Your feedback is my motivation!

Part One

“Dean, I’m so happy to see you’ve made the right decision. My Joanna Beth will make you so happy,” Ellen held her wine glass high. “To Jo and Dean.”

“To Jo and Dean,” John repeated robotically.

Dean stared at Ellen first, then his father before he turned his eyes on Jo. She sat smugly across the table from him, a grin on her face that rivaled the Cheshire Cat.

“Your wedding will be held here, in two weeks time,” Ellen informed them.

“Mom! That’s so fast! Do we have enough time to pull everything together?” Jo looked just as surprised as Dean, as he felt the air get knocked out of his lungs at Ellen’s announcement.

“There’s plenty of time, baby,” Ellen assured her with a cunning smile.  

~*~

“What do you mean, you’re marrying Jo?” Y/N squawked when Dean told her.

“Ellen gave my dad an ultimatum. She’s the reason we’re all still alive. If I don’t do this, she’ll take everything from me, including you. If I can’t be with you, I would rather live in a world where you are still breathing than in one where you don’t exist. In a world where you were killed because of me,” Dean cried as he gave her the news.

“We’ll leave. We’ll change our names. We can go anywhere,” Y/N tugged on Dean’s hand as she pleaded.

“You know that won’t work, Y/N. She’ll find us, then we’ll both be dead. Or worse, she’ll kill you  to torture me and I’ll still have to marry Jo,” Dean, sighed, resting his forehead against hers.

“I won’t live without you Dean,” Y/N sobbed in his arms. “I can’t.”

“I know, sweetheart. I’m so sorry. I never wanted this life for you,” Dean pressed a kiss to her temple. “I want you to go somewhere safe. She won’t look for you. Ellen will think you left because of me.”

“The only place I feel safe is in your arms, Dean,” she wrapped her own around his strong shoulders and pulled herself into his lap, straddling him in the front seat of his Impala. “Please don’t make me leave.”

“Seeing you every day, knowing I can’t have you...that would be worse than death,” Dean rasped as she rolled her hips against him.

“Then have me one last time,” she whispered.

Dean didn’t waste another minute. He unbuckled his belt and his jeans, pushing them down just far enough to release his cock from the tight confines of the denim. He slipped his hands up her thighs, under her skirt. His rough fingertips toyed with damp crotch of her panties.

“You’re wet for me already?” Dean smirked in the darkness.

“I’m always wet for you Dean,” she murmured against his lips as he breached the soft cotton, pulling them to the side. She angled her hips and his hard cock slipped inside her. She sank down on him, taking him deep in her tight pussy.

“God, I’m gonna miss this. Gonna miss you,” Dean panted, his hips bucking out a slow rhythm as he fucked up into her wet heat. “Feel so good.”

“God Dean, faster,” she panted, her breath hot in his ear. “I need you baby. Make me feel you for days. Make me remember so I’ll never forget.”

Dean obliged, fucking her faster and harder than he ever had. He dug his fingertips into the meaty flesh of her hips as she bounced on his cock, meeting his rhythm.

“Fuck, Y/N! I’m going to make you mine one last time!” He howled as he reached his end, spilling his hot seed into her and pulling her with him as her walls clenched around him.

The windows of the Impala were fogged up, cloaking them in darkness as they came down from their highs. Dean lifted his head from where it was resting on the seat to see tears in her eyes.

“Why are you crying?” Dean whispered, wiping away her tears with the pad of his thumb.

“Because this is the last time we’ll ever be together. You don’t belong to me anymore,” she cried, burying her face in his shirt.

“I may be forced to marry her, but I’ll never love her. I’ll never love anyone the way I love you,” Dean vowed. “I’ll always belong to you.”

~*~

“Why the long face, Y/N?” Jo chirped, seeing the forlorned look on her face as she walked into the bar that night for her shift.

“Shut your mouth, bitch!” Y/N sneered. “Don’t you think you’ve done enough for one lifetime?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jo smiled innocently.

“Even when we were little, you had to have what I had. My dolls, my toys, my friends. Nothing was off limits for you to take exactly what you wanted. But this is a new low, even for you,” Y/N snapped. “Poor little rich girl, always wanting what she can’t have. He’ll never belong to you, Jo. Never!”

As she spat her final words to the woman who had been her friend for so long, she let go of of the all the anger she had been holding inside and slapped her across the face with all her might.

Jo swung her head back around to face Y/N. She grinned as she wiped a drop of blood from her lip. “That may be, but at least he isn’t yours anymore.”

Did you like it? The nicest thing you can do for a writer is reblog their work and tell them, and others, how much you like it!

The Whole Enchilada: @iwantthedean @dolphincliffs @mrswhozeewhatsis @meganwinchester1999 @cherrycokegirls1 @closetspngirl  @roxyspearing @flamencodiva @blacktithe7 @sis-tafics @just-another-busy-fangirl @evansrogerskitten @amanda-teaches @hannahindie @wotinspntarnation @winchesterprincessbride @winecatsandpizza @kickingitwithkirk  @deanwinchesterswitch @wi-deangirl77 @hobby27 @mogaruke @gh0stgurl

The Dean’s List: @jerkbitchidjitassbutt @dean-winchesters-bacon @maddiepants @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @supernatural-jackles @docharleythegeekqueen @adoptdontshoppets @mtngirlforever

[imayneverfindbreezy]

CHAPTER 99

CHRIS

I am so happy my babies are born Gavroche and Eponine are beautiful I love all my kids so much. It’s now a month later its June 13 Erin’s birthday ever since the babies was born her, Blair, Rihanna and Teyana been working out like crazy, they will be in the house gym or go to a different one but Erin keep saying she wanna get back to her size before she got pregnant but I keep telling her that she looks great with the meat on her, and how much I love it. But she’ll just look at me and nod then start right back with working out. She has been having these mood swings with me a lot lately but I know its not her, it the cancer that is making her act crazy. Today is Erin’s birthday, me and the kids are in the kitchen getting her food ready.

“Can I have this?” CJ asked

“No that’s for your mommy come on” I said and we went up stairs to the room. Erin was sitting up feeding Eponine and when she saw us she started smiling as we sat the food on the side table. “Happy Birthday bae”

“Happy Birthday mommy” the twins says and Erin looks at the breakfast we sat on the table that made her smile.

“Awww thank you” she said and she starts to eat her breakfast and I finish feeding Eponine and Gavroche after we gave her, her gifts I sent her out for a spa day with her friends on me, then when she was done with that she came back to the house she was told to relax, and she did she played with the kids and just had fun. That night we was getting ready for her birthday dinner she told me she didn’t wanna have a party she just wanted a nice sit down dinner with her family and just close friends. I stood there staring at her while she put on her ear rings, then she turned around and looked at me.

“How do I look?” she asked she had on

“You look great bae come here” I said and she came I took her hand and put it on my dick letting her feel how hard I was and she giggled.

“I see you like it, well maybe later I’ll let you take it off of me with your teeth, yea” she said then sang the last part then hugged me and kissed me. After leaving the house with all the kids we was in the car and my phone went off of course I checked it.

*Wish you was here thanks for the trip*

I exited out of the text and focused on Erin pulling her close to me and kissed her. After about a hour drive we got to the venue where her birthday dinner is going to be and of course the fans was outside and the media she and I waved to them as we went in. Once in side we went to where her party was set up at, Erin eyes lite up when she saw it.

“Well?” I asked holding her hand and she looked and me smiled real big.

“This is perfect Chris baby thank you” she said and hugged me

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!” They all yelled and she went off hugging people of course they talked about her dress.

“Girl sexy ass dress I love it, I might need to borrow that dress for tour once I get me an ass” Rihanna said hugging her. After sitting down we all was talking laughing and eating I had some big planned for Erin that I knew she was going to love. After about an hour I walked Erin to this section and we sat down, as everyone turned their attention to the front of the room.

“What’s going on?” she asked and I kissed her.

“Just watch.” I said and she nodded the current opened up and he walked out.

“Suddenly I see

Suddenly it starts

Can two anxious hearts beat as one?

Yesterday I was alone

Today you walk beside me

Suddenly I see

What I could not see

Something suddenly

Has begun.” Hugh Jackman sings

“One day more!

Another day, another destiny.

This never-ending road to Calvary” Anne Hathaway sings

“These men who seem to know my crime

Will surely come a second time.

One day more” Hugh sings

“I dreamed a dream in time gone by

When hope was high

And life worth living” Anne sang

“One day more.” Hugh sings

[Eddie Redmayne & Amanda Seyfried sing]

“Tomorrow you’ll be worlds away

And yet with you, my world has started!”

[Samantha Barks sings]

“One more day all on my own.”

[Eddie Redmayne & Amanda Seyfried sing]

“Will we ever meet again?”

[Samantha Barks sings]

“One more day with him not caring.”

[Eddie Redmayne & Amanda Seyfried sing]

“I was born to be with you.”

[Samantha Barks sings] (Erin starts singing with them)

“What a life I might have known.”

[Eddie Redmayne & Amanda Seyfried sing]

“And I swear I will be true!”

[Samantha Barks sings]

“But he never saw me there!”

[Aaron Tveit sings]

“One more day before the storm!”

[Eddie Redmayne sings]

“Do I follow where she goes?”

[Aaron Tveit sings]

“At the barricades of freedom.”

[Eddie Redmayne sings]

Shall I join my brothers there?

[Aaron Tveit sings]

“When our ranks begin to form”

[Eddie Redmayne sings]

“ Do I stay; and do I dare?”

[Aaron Tveit sings]

“Will you take your place with me?”

“The time is now, the day is here” they sing together

[Hugh Jackman sings]

“One day more!”

[Russell Crowe sings] (I watch Erin stand up and is singing along)

“One day more to revolution,

We will nip it in the bud!

We’ll be ready for these schoolboys,

They will wet themselves with blood!”

[Hugh Jackman sings]

“One day more!”

[Sacha Baron Cohen & Helena Bonham Carter sing]

“ Watch ‘em run amuck,

Catch 'em as they fall,

Never know your luck

When there’s a free for all,

Here’s a little 'dip’

There a little 'touch’

Most of them are goners

So they won’t miss much!”

“One day to a new beginning Raise the flag of freedom high!

Every man will be a king

Every man will be a king

There’s a new world for the winning

There’s a new world to be won” Background singers sing

“Do you hear the people sing?” they all sing

[Eddie Redmayne sings]

“My place is here, I fight with you!”

[Hugh Jackman sings]

“One day more!”

[Eddie Redmayne & Amanda Seyfried sing]

“I did not live until today.”

[Samantha Barks sings]

“One more day all on my own!”

[Eddie Redmayne & Amanda Seyfried sing]

“How can I live when we are parted?”

[Russell Crowe (overlapping)]

“We will join these people’s heroes

We will follow where they go

We will learn their little secrets,

We will know the things they know.”

[Hugh Jackman sings]

“ One day more!”

[Eddie Redmayne & Amanda Seyfried sing]

“Tomorrow you’ll be worlds away”

[Samantha Barks sings]

“What a life I might have known!”

[Eddie Redmayne & Amanda Seyfried sing]

“ And yet with you my world has started”

[Russell Crowe sing (overlapping)]

“One more day to revolution

We will nip it in the bud

We’ll be ready for these schoolboys”

[Sacha Baron Cohen & Helena Bonham Carter sing (overlapping)]

“Watch 'em run amok

Catch 'em as they fall

Never know your luck

When there’s a free-for-all!”

[Hugh Jackman sings]

“Tomorrow we’ll be far away,

Tomorrow is the judgement day”

“Tomorrow we’ll discover

What our God in Heaven has in store!

One more dawn

One more day

One day more!” they all sing and everyone stands up and claps for them.

“Chris oh my God” she said and hugged and kissed me tight.

“Happy Birthday bae” I said then she started to walk towards the stage but I stopped her. “Let’s go this way” I took her hand and we walk to a closed off side of the party and went in.

“Why are we sitting in here when they are out there?” she asked sitting down.

“Wait a few minutes please” I said after about 10 minute the cast walked in and Erin stood up clapping for them, as they all walked in.

“OH MY GODNESS, I can’t believe I’m meeting you all” she said and she started to hug them all one by one and they was tell her Happy Birthday. So we all sat down she was sitting in the middle of Hug Jackman and Russell Crowe with the biggest smile on her face.

“I’m sorry for my clothes if I would have known yall was going to be here I would have worn something less stripperish” she said and we started laughing.

“No it’s fine it’s your birthday” Hugh said and she was smiling even harder.

“How did yall know I mean how I’m speechless” she said

“Well Chris got in touch with the director of the movie and asked if he could get in touch with one of us, mainly me” Russell said and everyone laughed. “But no that if he could get in touch with us cause he wanted us to do One More Day for his wife’s birthday and once we was told and we was told who you was we all said yes”

“Yes I been to your charity lunch before you had so many people there that you didn’t notice I guess but when I saw it was the woman that’s the face of cancer awareness and how your always doing for others I had to say yes” Samantha said.

“This movie is my favorite, after I let Chris watch it with me he fell in love with Gavroche and Eponine he was like if we have another child we have to name them one of those names. So we end up having twins just last month and we named them Gavroche Javert Brown and Eponine Cosette Brown” she said and they started laughing.

“True fans” Russell said

“Yes sir, I can’t believe I’m sitting here with yall thank you again this is a day I will never in my life ever forget” she said After that we party some more the cast left all but Hug Jackman and Russell Crowe they stayed a little longer and had fun with us. Erin even danced a few times with Russell Crowe then they had to leave but the dinner went on and Erin had a blast. She even loved her birthday gift, a new car, I knew She wanted.

ERIN

After getting home from a wonderful birthday, we put the kids to bed and was in the room Chris was hugging me and kissing me, his hands grabbed my ass while we kiss. And we have the most wonderful freakiest sex ever, my baby put it down for my birthday.

*ONE MONTH LATER*

I was in the house by myself today cause the older twins was with Keeis and Zaria playing with Lil Keeis and PJ was with Peter cause Peter was going to be going off doing a few shows and wasn’t going to be able to be here to see him so he had him for the weekend and the youngest twins was with Marie and Kid cause Marie found out she was pregnant and want some type of practices with babies so they was going to have them over night. Chris wasn’t here he had to go to the studio to help out Kid Ink with a song and was going to come right home when he got done so we can got get something to eat. I was cleaning up today I was feeling good today no pain well not pain to the point where I needed my crutches but it was a pain that I got used to it. I got done cleaning the kids room and I was in me and Chris’s room picking up his dirty clothes when I came across a cell phone, I looked at it lost cause I know I just spoke to him on his phone.

I looked at it and it didn’t have a locked on it so I went thru it and what I saw was unbelievable, it was picture after picture of Kendra I couldn’t believe it.

And There was text msges between him and the contact name said Mario but the only Mario I know of is Kid but why would he be under Mario and Kid, so I opened up the last one which was the day before yesterday.

Mario-“Thanks for last night; I really appreciate it”

Chris-“No problem babe”

Mario-“Do you think you could give me that big daddy dick tonight? (;”

Dialing Mario.

“Damn baby, you just called me 3 hours ago, I’m on my way to your house now be there in 20 mins?” a female voice said

“Who is this?” I asked

“Hold the fuck up, this is Kendra, who is this?” Kendra asked…Click…

I couldn’t think I just got my keys and left the house getting in my car I drove a hour and 10 minutes all the way to Chris’s old place and sure enough there was his car and there was a red corvette. I got out and went to the door unlocking it and going in. I stood there looking at the stairs debating if I really wanted to go up them and see what the fuck was going on, before I could think my legs was moving up the stairs and I walked to the room where I could clearly hear moaning. I opened the door and walked in and stood there and my heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest I saw Chris fucking Kendra.

“Shit this shit feels good baby” Chris moaned I stood there and no tears came out I stood there more so in shock. Til I finally was able to say something.

“OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD CHRIS, CHRIS” I screamed and this made them stop and Chris looked at Kendra and then looked back and saw me standing there.

“Shit Bae, wait” he said moving off of Kendra who grabbed the cover pulling it over her. Chris grabbed his sweat pants putting them on.

“CHRIS HOW COULD YOU” I screamed and took my ring off and throw it at him and took off out the room, I don’t even remember my feet touching the stairs or even going out the door, I could hear Chris calling my name. I didn’t even want to look at him, let alone talk to him. He broke my heart, just like the rest of them did. I was on the verge of tears, and I got in my car and took off not looking back to see if I saw Chris or not I drove all the way to my Mom and Pat’s house which was a hour and a half drive there. Once I got in the house I walked in then I dropped to the floor and just cried, trying to catch my breath.

“Erin what has happened?” my Mom said rushed over to me, helping me up off the floor.

“He… He” I couldn’t talk; I just broke down into more floods of tears.

“Come here Erin, it’s okay baby” my Mom said as she cuddled me, holding me tight. After half an hour of crying, I finally calmed myself down. We sat on the couch and I took medicine for my headache that occurred from crying too much. My eyes were red and puffy and I sat there.

“Tell me Erin what’s wrong please” my Mom said, patting my shoulder. I nodded and took a deep breath.

“Chris is cheating on me with that bitch Kendra” I said as I tilted my head back, biting my lip, trying to stop myself from crying again.

“No, Erin no” my Mom said

“Yes I just left his house where he was fucking that bitch, mommy” I cried and my Mom pulled me into a tight hug and Pat walked in looking at us.

“What’s wrong?” Pat asked

“Erin just caught Chris cheating on her at his old place.” My Mom said and Pat nodded and turned around picking up the keys to my car and leaving the house.

KIDRED

I was at Chris’s house his old place it was me, Mijo, Keeis, Aaron, Jamal and Gonzo I don’t know where Hood and Austin was but Chris called us and told us what happen I couldn’t believe it we was all standing on the balcony Chris was smoking a blunt and I was just in shock that he was fucking that girl knowing she was only using him, but for him to cheat on Erin I never saw that shit coming.

“She won’t even answer her phone and let me explain” Chris said.

“You really think she should come on are you that stupid?” Mijo asked looking at him.

“Man whatever that’s my wife man I love her” he said

“Well you got a hell of a way of showing it” Mijo said  shaking his head.

“Where Hood and Austin at?” he asked

“I don’t known” I said shrugging mu shoulders.

“I think they with Erin right now” Keeis said. I guess it’s clear to see who’s side they are on with this. We heard the door open and close.

“That must be them” I said then Pat came walking fast towards us more so towards Chris and drew his fist back and punched Chris twice in the face.

“PAT NO” we all yelled and tried to stop him but it didn’t work he just shook us off like it wasn’t nothing, he then punch Chris 2 more time then picked him up and hung him over the balcony, I never seen Pat like this and I never seen Chris so scared he was screaming for Pat not to drop him.

“YOU THINK IT’S OKAY TO CHEAT ON MY DAUGHTER AND BREAK HER HEART HUH. I WENT TO BAT FOR YOU SAYING YOU WAS A GOOD GUY AND YOU CHANGED AND YOU FUCKING CHEAT I SHOULD DROP YOUR ASS RIGHT NOW, FUCK YOU” Pat yelled while he held Chris over the balcony threatening to drop him.

“Pat don’t he ain’t worth you going to prison for” Mijo said in a rather calm voice while the rest of us was freaking out. I guess what he said made sense to him cause he pulled Chris back over and dropped him to the floor and left not before punching him one more time and walking out and Mijo left with him, Chris sat there putting his head in his hands and cried.

ERIN

The day after I was at the house the kids was taking a nap and I was in the room with Blair, Marie, Zaria, Dani, Kae and Rihanna. Of course they all knew what happen and came by the house to sit with me and be with me.

“I’m so tired of this tired of this man lying to me about everything and I’m not this person who let’s someone brain wash them, my mother taught me better than this. And I don’t wanna go thru this no more. I mean he gotta give a damn he got to but I’m so sick of his lies and his bullshit I won’t go on believing him anymore this whole marriage had been a lie he’s been seeing another bitch on the side for months, fucking months and the motherfucker got sloppy with the shit, I mean he haves 2 phones what motherfucker leaves the phone in their pants pocket unlocked and have this bitch texting you and sending your dumbass pictures like where the fuck they do that at.” I cried

“You will get thru this and you will bounce back from this and become a stronger person because of it” Kae said

“I got a little bit of time left on this earth and it won’t be wasted on him, HIM on FUCKING HIM I’ve fucking had it, HAD IT fuck him. He will see I’m not the one to be fucking with I got something for his cheating ass.” I said wiping my tears.

“Erin wait breath” Rihanna said

“I trusted him and I feel like he played me, played the fuck out of me. If Chris thinks there’s a tiny glimmer of hope for us he’s sadly mistaken. I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it – to be fed so much love I couldn’t take any more. Just once. You know I waited up all night but Chris wasn’t even man enough to come home and face me” I say

“I’m so sorry Erin” Marie says and I look at my phone.

“Mail box full, I bet it is” I say

“No time like the present” Blair says

“No I don’t wanna hear anything from him.“ I say. "I can’t believe him like really I’ve been too good to him, so good and he cheats on me with that, with her like really I can’t believe this. I gave him my heart I gave him 4 babies and she was able to take my fucking husband, whenever she wanted” I aid

“Not trying to make light of what he did but the pictures was it just her sending them?” Zaria asked

“No it was pictures he took of her” I said and went to the phone opened it up showing different pictures.

“Oh My God no Chris” Blair said as she walked away from me.

“Wow I can’t believe him” Teyana said

“This not ok, it’s not the worst part is he wouldn’t even come home to face me, to talk about it to explain himself nothing, nothing at all” I said

“Waan, Waan” Gavroche cried on the baby monitor and I left the room and went to him and just held him and broke down in tears.

*2 WEEKS LATER*

CHRIS

I stayed at my old place I haven’t spoken or seen Erin since that day. I did call her but she didn’t answer I fucked up, I know it but I guessed I’d give her sometime, to cool off then I’ll go and talk to her. Right now I was headed to my lawyer’s office he called and told me to come by.

And my face has healed up, from the assault from Pat and lets just say he did what he did as a father to protect his daughter. I would do the samething to protect my girls but a week ago, I got a call from him and he quit as my bodyguard. I didn’t see that coming to be honest, and I haven’t heard from Hood, Austin or Mijo after what happen. When Mijo left I didn’t hear from him at all, I called all of them but they didn’t answer. I guess I know where their loyalty lies. Once at my lawyer’s office we greeted each other and he handed me some paper work.

“What’s this?” I asked and I looked at it.

“It’s divorce papers Erin’s lawyer faxed them to me yesterday” Mark said

“WHAT? No, no” I said

“We can contest it” Mark said

“No in that pre nup that her ass wrote said that if we wanna get a divorce we have to first spend a week together to see if we can’t work it out. That’s what she wrote in it. So that’s what we’re going to do, so tell her lawyer to let Erin know she has to do it and I’ll see her in my house in Virginia tomorrow” I said and left the office. She has to give me this week and I know I’ll get her to forgive me and give me another chance cause I can’t lose my family over some bitch.

[lids-flutter-open]

I think I have one main takeaway from the post about John Darnielle going around where someone discusses the way he interacts with his fans. If you haven’t seen the post, it went up yesterday and has about 800 notes now. The dynamics OP describes are things most TMG fans are aware of, and that most fans of Darnielle really admire about him: the way he offers friendship and discusses feelings of meaningful human connection to individual fans much more easily than most people in his position would, for example, and the way that he feels comfortable telling people he just met who deeply admire him that he thinks they are special/talking about God a lot when he discusses connecting to other people in a real way. As someone who has consumed a lot of Darnielle’s content and art, I believe, until shown otherwise, that he does all these things without conscious calculation. He’s open about his history of being traumatized, and he’s been a lot of places and met a lot of people from a huge range of backgrounds, met a lot of people who are in dire straits or who may not live another year, and I think that even when you are recovered from your past and are doing very well that this kind of history affects the way you see friendships. You leap into them, and are earnest about them. 

I tend to relate to people in a similar way--I try to pursue friendships and connections as soon as I realize I want them, and sometimes express myself in extreme terms, or hit someone up without warning. The difficulty, when you have trauma, is knowing when to establish boundaries around these needed friendships. 

OP doesn’t explicitly describe any sexual misconduct by Darnielle, though their description of him putting his arm around a young fan’s waist while drunk post-concert does tie this to larger conversations of misconduct by authority figures. The main pattern OP describes is one of Darnielle using fans’ devotion to affirm that he is a good person in moments of doubt--reaching out to them one on one when he is feeling emotionally vulnerable and asking that they do the work of a friend without knowing him well enough to actually give him useful advice. He seems to reciprocate by offering fans assurance that they are good people, or god-sent, etc, which I think are earnest assurances on his part and things he genuinely feels. I think he’s grateful for his fans and appreciates the work they do for him. Thankfulness and humility is a big part of his whole thing. The issue here is reaching out to people who are offering so much to you and making emotional one-on-one contact in order to get comfort and reassurance when the power dynamic between you and the person offering you support is so vast. The other thing is that Darnielle cannot reasonably be expected to maintain ongoing friendships with his fans--he is a busy artist--but continues to expect on some level that they treat him as a friend on equal footing when he cultivates these connections. It is nice, but it also sets fans up for disappointment and a lot of pain, because they will never get the kind of emotional work, one-on-one, out of Darnielle that he (according to the screenshots from OP) has sometimes asked of them. Which is what makes him different from an author who writes a kind letter mentioning god and fate and specialness back to a fan--asking someone to reassure you via twitter DM that you are essentially a good person is a weird thing to ask. That’s something you ask of your wife or a close friend who knows you. It’s the classic problem of people with any kind of power--wealth or fame or whatever--not recognizing, or refusing to recognize, the fact that they always carry this power with them, and that some of their friendships will take far more work from them before they can be actually equal.

I think a lot of Darnielle’s fans are aware of his trauma, and are also aware of our own trauma and the way we express ourselves, and so the way he conducts himself with his fans doesn’t often read badly. It’s also true that many many famous people conduct themselves with young fans badly in more overtly harmful ways--remembering the Amanda Palmer or Emilie Autumn fan debacles, or the John Green Tumblr years, when I was first reading OP’s post, my reaction was initially to go “just this? he’s just a man with few boundaries who earnestly sees people as equals.” But that is the kind of thinking that doesn’t help this sort of dynamic from happening again. When men have power, even if they are very self aware or even paranoid about using it badly, I think it is still hard to be self aware enough to not hurt people. I think this is something JD may have trouble with. The takeaway line of OP’s post for me is towards the end; the idea that when people give and give and give to you it’s hard not to take. 

For me, I think OP makes a good point. John’s concerts are like religious experiences; I have the same feelings there as when I pray. People singing together about trauma and pain is a transcendent, religious experience. But JD is human, and while I firmly believe (as of right now) that he tries to be self critical of the way he conducts himself with his fans and tries to not take advantage of his own power, I think that one of the things about being a famous musician or preacher or a person with power is that many people without this power gravitate toward you, and that as a result, a person with power can easily become someone who thinks that they deserve people’s time and attention and love and work without reciprocation. Having power--as in, record deals, money, fame--inherently makes it harder to relate to people without these things on an even footing, and it takes more work than many people know how to do. I know rich people who act like this too, know academics who act this way--ask things of people without offering things in return except relatively empty words of praise, because they know they are smart or impressive or famous or rich and people will give them what they ask for. I don’t think it comes out of an inherent personal evil, though egomania can quickly make someone’s personality go totally rotten. I don’t think JD’s personality is rotten, but he is someone with power. My hope is that JD can listen to this critique of his actions and actually put work into setting better boundaries for himself in terms of the personal emotional affirmations he asks from fans. I think he is capable of the self reflection and humility necessary to do that, though as OP says, the ball is in his court.

[bisexual-yuri]

Talent and Blessings Don’t Matter at ECMC (Lessons from the psych ward)

There is only so much process you can reasonably expect someone to do 

I feel like I’ve hit my limit

Shit’s got me feeling bored and stupid like the village idiot 

Need my creativity need a job 

I’m all full of all sort of needs to sort out this agony of idleness

They say it’s a kindness to myself to take so much time to myself but what do I do all by myself except circle a drain I don’t want to drain out of?

Can I take a plane or a train off this cliff of boredom without alarming me and everyone that loves me?

Still processing neuropathy and dark shit discussed in therapy 

Like the fact that the nurses sedated me against my will needlessly because they were scared of me 

Don’t care that they’re the real scary she’s, the real scary ones 

The ones keeping me locked away from the sun and the fan

It felt like nobody cared that the son of God sees all including patient abuse, including how if you scary enough they’ll take your fuckin’ shoes 

They don’t got a clue the trauma they causer with the drama and gel/powder painted claws, damaging psych mentality, my prayer is done so more it be

Amanda and JD, were they manic or just anxious?

Why did Corey have to take all this?

Why won’t Fawzi just get all the words out?

Why wouldn’t they just let Jaxem the fuck out?

People no danger to themselves or me

Still in lockup, docs give no fucks you see 

False profits and false prophets get out easy

Druggin’ the fun out of Aggie

You ain’t fun no more, that’s how you get free

Behavior in the health, good behavior in hell

And it doesn’t even come with Mercy

Quitting’ Cymbalta cold turkey

Can’t see color, can’t smell nothin’, feelin’ wonky

Temperature a mess, cold water on hot hands

No one cares to listen, no one really understands that big emotions are not themselves a disease

Drug’ll fuck your mind up till you can’t even see

I’m Eliza spitting’ rhymes now, not lies now, no I’m no fucking donkey

It’s a song but I wrote it in the wrong key

Singin’ red teeth, spitting truth through the nose bleed 

Now I got time to kill but no blood to spill

You can’t take anything further away from me

Robbed of all my autonomy, my work and my loves all a trifecta of purgatory

Abuse and sex crimes by blonde bitches who look at me and see witches

Plural

I’m just one person, big feelings on a fleshly mural 

Trying to make sense of the senseless violence done to me 

Trying to make sense of the senseless violence done period 

I’m deadly serious 

This shit needs to get a hard look at it 

A world full of angels seeking their halos and wings, instead get shot down with syringes and bans that take wedding rings 

No wedding ring for me, no wedding ring for Sarah not even a tattoo

In the hospital they treat you like a damn fool and then wonder why you behave any differently 

Sorry ECMC but the truth you saw in there ain’t the real me, it’s the me you brought out of me

It’s the eagle you carved out of a hummingbird that was trying to rest on a dead tree

I’m not a dead me, I’m just me, so why did you try killing me to make me whole again?

I’ll tell you doc, you have cost me all sorts of friends by locking me up in this shit 

Made some new ones too, but the anger and the loss are harder pills to swallow than anything you gave me in follow up

Divorce the PTSD, divorce from real me, you people never trusted me to take care of me

It’s scary

I know in a moment I had lost my mind, but damn is that license to be so fucking unkind? 

How am I supposed to find peace in the belly of the beast? 

How is anyone supposed to heal when you hit them hard with rules about what is and isn’t real?

Makes you wonder who’s the delusional one, the patients or the system

All I know is the needle toothed fucker takes everyone as a victim and doesn’t care if we scream or we cry

More fuel for the fire, more reasons to make people want to die to escape this

I know Al, you’re still here and you can’t take this 

Neither can I, knowing people suffer every day in this hellfire of some hospital’s fucked up design 

But what can I do, I’m just one person and I don’t even have a second shoe to drop because of what the hospital took from me 

I have a lot of friends, lot of family 

Most people ain’t so lucky

Screaming on the wind “why did you do this to me and him and her and them and everybody?”

I wish I knew an answer, I wish I had a better answer than just to scream

Maybe someday when I am healed I will have energy to dream of a better future for this

But for now, all I can do is sleep

[autumnrory]

i think the reason unnecessary (and often untrue) criticism of taylor swift bothers me so much more than it does with other celebs i like is because it just feels so personal

there are celebs that are just as important to me, that i love just as much as taylor. other celebs who have made me happy during hard times

but the thing with taylor is how her music has been there has been there during my worst times, since middle school, when life started getting harder (even if those things back then seem so silly now, they mattered then). i first heard should’ve said no at a party in seventh grade (shoutout to that girl amanda that i never talk to anymore, she was a gr8 friend through most of high school tho) and i was just listening and it changed everything. not that i’ve ever been cheating on, unless one of those Super Serious middle school boyfriends cheated on me and i don’t know about it. but i did relate to the song in an entirely different way.

and i was hooked.

i think i must’ve listened to a lot of her stuff on youtube all the time, because i remember shit like invisible and teardrops on my guitar and everything about the guy you like liking someone was else was EVERYTHING TO ME during in seventh and eighth grade, like wow. i know self titled is my least fave album, but those songs really are what my early teenage years were like.

her first album that i got was fearless, followed by her self titled and speak now (i’m assuming i asked for them as gifts, which is why it wasn’t chronological, but i don’t remember). but speak now came out in the fall of my sophomore year. right after i started crushing on a guy i’d known forever, who would start dating one of my best friends a few months later (and another good friend a few months after that), so you can guess that some of her older songs were fitting when that happened. well, the beginnings of that crush had me putting sparks fly as my ringtone for him and basically being head over heels in the best way possible.

sophomore year was really lonely, and taylor’s music was (and still is) one of the best things i had

and when we stopped talking so much, and i was convinced that he wanted nothing to do with me -- because the second friend of mine he dated told him i liked him, talk about betrayal (where was bad blood when i really needed it?) -- even though that probably wasn’t the case at all, and i was just being paranoid, it felt like the end of the world. and haunted was the song

i didn’t get over for him for a very long time. our friendship was very off and on, but that was probably my fault more than anything. i wanted to stay away and let him make the effort if he really wanted me in his life, but he didn’t really, and i kept coming back. but i think he just wasn’t that kind of person, which is sort of funny because now i’m the kind of friend who finds it really hard to put in the effort and reach out, though that particular friendship experience along with others may have something to do with that. anyway, i’m not here to psycho analyze myself.

we were probably the least close throughout junior year, but the whole off-on thing didn’t go away. we hung out close to the end of summer before senior year with two friends who had recently started dating and we had such a great time and i started having hope. and at least considered telling him how i felt, whether he knew i still liked him or not. and then a little bit into senior year, he started dating someone. and then red came out. red, my favorite album of all time.

he started dating someone. and i started distancing myself again. but once again, it never lasted. i wasn’t as lonely senior year as i had been the previous two years, but it wasn’t perfect. and he was one of few people who made me really happy back when that loneliness began, which i think is part of why i fell so hard and it was so hard to get over him. 

but red. god. i could talk about this album forever. i almost do? come back...be here? all too well? treacherous? obviously, a lot of the songs are very blatantly relationship/breakup songs. but i was able to take certain lyrics and they just summed up how i felt perfectly. so much of that album applied to what i was thinking and feeling and i loved it. all too well was my favorite song for a couple years, but i think for that time, i almost do was really the situation with us. how many times did i want to reach out to him, but had to tell myself not to? we talked things through towards the end of senior year, i explained how i liked him and felt like he wasn’t making an effort and why i kept distancing myself. and i thought things were better. for a little while, they were. i’m 22 now (ha), a college graduate, and i have not spoken to him since before we graduated high school.

that summer went by, freshman year of college went by, i still wasn’t totally over it. i sent him a letter beginning of freshman year, because i was Brave, and looking back it seems so stupid, but i needed that closure. only it didn’t really work, because i just got even sadder that i never heard from him again. but was i listening to all too well (hey, it might not have fit exactly, but it’s really fucking sad like i was) and say something by a great big world (okay, i know, not taylor, but it FIT -- also wow, imagine if she covered that, i would die) late at night and crying because i had never felt that way about anyone the way i did for him? yeah, i was.

now, 1989 came out during the fall of sophomore year. now i’ve never related as strongly to that one. in part, i think a lot of the album is very uh, contrived lyrically, but also i’ve only had a few crushes here and there over the last few years. but some of the lyrics DO go back to that situation i’ve been discussing. like, i was absolutely yell-texting my friend “where was “people like me are gone forever when you say goodbye” when i needed it???”

also bad blood. i had a few Bad Friendships in high school and you can hate that song and say it’s sexist all you want (it’s not, it doesn’t even use gender specific pronouns), but it’s SO RELATABLE.

so uh, yeah, now that i’ve written this ridiculous fucking essay, i just wanna say that taylor swift literally means so much to me. her music was there for me when no one else was, which sounds so cliche, but it’s true. i love her and i love her music and even though my opinion of her has shifted some over the last five years, i’m always gonna love her. she’s always gonna be the girl who had me sitting at a party and silently losing it because no one else had ever written how i felt so CLEARLY before.

i didn’t really become part of the fandom until after red came out and even more so after 1989 (i just didn’t follow every aspect of her life or what she was doing, i was just listening to the songs and vaguely aware of people she was friends with/dating/”dating”). i wish that i’d gotten tickets to red and maybe even speak now, but me and my sister did get to go to the 1989 tour in kansas city together and it was one of the most fun nights i’ve ever had.

i’m not naive. i don’t think taylor is one hundred percent honest or perfect or genuine or selfless. but i think she is a hell of a lot more genuine and selfless than a lot of people in this world. i know it’s weird, but i don’t think vocals are the most important part of being a singer. because like, look how many pop singers and indie dudes Cannot Sing Live. taylor's vocals have definitely improved over the last few years, but for me, it’s about those beautiful lyrics she writes. how straight up she is in her songs, even if i think a lot of the things her songs are based on are not totally genuine, ya know. a nineteen year old girl wrote dear john. a nineteen year old girl wrote that entire fucking album.

taylor swift is talented. she’s incredibly intelligent, she’s hilarious and snarky and sarcastic. she’s so fucking sweet to her fans, and you can say her niceness is an act but? it’s better than how many celebs are honestly just mean. like, there’s a reason all the fans and people who meet her (aside from a few celeb feuds) say how kind she is. personally, i prefer people to just be nice, unless the situation calls for acting otherwise. and most of the time, she’s stuck with being nice (that in no way means i think she’s in the wrong for calling out people who have been shitty to her, like john mayer, who is an abuser and deserves to be dragged through the mud for it).

it really horrifies me how much people wanna say a woman who has constantly been a victim, since she was just a child writing songs about boys, is just playing the victim. i will never know everything about her or the situations she’s been in with other people, but the way she’s treated is honestly despicable, and how i feel about her makes it so much more upsetting. i think she can handle it, i don’t think fans need to baby her, and i don’t think writing songs about it is bad. she’s made it very clear that she writes songs about her experiences from the beginning of her career.

so yeah, taylor getting attacked makes me sad, and i imagine it bothers her sometimes, but she’s probably more chill about it than i am. but i just love her so much, and i know not everyone is gonna like her, but seeing someone who means the world to me constantly super criticized over really minuscule things is really ridiculous and annoying and upsetting.

call her out on actual shitty behavior like you would anyone else, but god if you don’t like her or her music or something literally harmless that she does, just like, shut up about it sometimes. some people just wanna love her in peace.

[i-breathe-therefore-i-read]

Sea Breeze series by Abbi Glines

Cage York has to choose between a love of the game and a love of the girl in this sultry Sea Breeze novel from New York Times bestselling author Abbi Glines. Cage York finally has everything he ever wanted. And Eva is at the very top of that list—the perfect girl with a temper as hot as her fabulously flawless body. But for Cage, a baseball scholarship has always been a close second. So when Cage finally gets his chance, he and Eva must endure a long distance relationship—and all the dangerous temptations that come with it. Temptations that former bad boy Cage York may not be able to escape. Then after receiving some illicit photos that show Cage has been behaving badly—very badly—Eva finds solace in the comforting arms of her insanely attractive neighbor Jeremy, who vows that he will take care of Eva in ways Cage never could. It’s an offer that may be too good for Eva to turn down. Torn between his baseball dream and the girl of this dreams, Cage must prove he’s worthy of Eva’s love, or risk losing her to Jeremy forever.

*What I thought: 3.5 out of 5 stars

read: 04/17

I was kinda surprised that they were going to get another story when I heard about it years ago because I thought they got their happy ended. I was interested to see what kind of drama unfolded. In all honesty it seemed a little far fetched that someone would go to those extremes to cause problems. They’re probably people like that and I don’t know about them because I’m not around shitty people like that.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I liked that it was a quick read. I flew through it like nobody’s business. Though I did think it was a good addition to their story, I had major eye rolls going on. All this talk about him being resentful if she said to stay, she was acting all resentful. What the hell do you want girl?!? Geez. Don’t tell someone to do something to hold against them later. I hated that.

After all said and done, I’m glad everything worked out. Poor Eva had a lot to deal with and I’d probably would have reacted the same way. Overall, I thought it was a sweet ending. 

Jason is sick of living in his rock star brother’s shadow. So when he ships off to Sea Breeze, Alabama, he’s looking for a much deserved escape and a chance to blow off some envious steam. Falling for the local bad girl was definitely not the plan. But as the new duo enjoys some naughty fun in the Alabama sun, Jason learns that even though Jax is the musician in the family, he’s not the only brother who can rock someone’s world.

*What I thought: 4 out of 5 stars

read: 04/17

What I liked:

It was very steamy throughout. 

I liked Jess knew what she wanted and went for it. She doesn’t hold back and she’s not shy. lol. 

I liked that this involved Jason, Jax’s brother. I liked him in Just for Now and was excited to see more of him. He was an idiot sometimes though lol.

What Jess did to help her mom out. Honorable in my eyes.

Jason was still a good person despite his horrible evil mother. 

Loved how they first met. 

Overall I liked this and thought they were a great couple. A very quick and fun book to read.

Innocence was never meant for the addictive… Addiction was something Krit Corbin accepted as part of his nature a long time ago. He decided to embrace it and flip his finger at the rules. Women had always been the number one thing on his list of addictions. He couldn’t get enough. Being the lead singer in a rock band had only made access to his favorite addiction that much easier. Being alone was the only thing Blythe Denton understood. The small town minister’s family that raised her hadn’t accepted her as their own. The minister’s wife had always made sure Blythe understood just how unworthy she was of love. When Blythe is sent away to college and given a chance to finally be free of living as an unwanted burden, she looks forward to having peace in her life. Being alone isn’t something that bothers her. She escapes reality in the stories she writes. However, the ridiculously sexy tattooed guy who keeps throwing parties in the apartment above hers is driving her crazy. For starters, he doesn’t treat her like she would expect a guy with a different woman always hanging on his arm to treat someone as uninteresting as her. She looks nothing like the gorgeous women she sees parading in and out of his apartment, but for some strange reason he keeps showing up at her door. During a party at his apartment, Krit’s new neighbor comes to the door with her long brown hair pulled up in a messy knot and a pair of glasses perched on her cute little nose. She wants him to turn down the music, but he convinces her to stay. Krit Corbin may have just found his biggest addiction yet. And Blythe Denton realizes too late that she’s finally been claimed.

*What I thought: 4 out of 5 stars

read: 04/17

Krit is a womanizer rock god until Blythe moves in. I didn’t like how he treated the woman even though they knew what to expect, it almost seemed wrong to read. I’m just glad he changed his tune after a while. Blythe, I felt so bad for. That’s something nobody should go through. It made her so naive to the world and thought the worst in herself. I just wanted to hug her sometimes. 

I liked how gradually they become more. Krit was just adorable around her and Blythe saw the best in Krit when no one else did. They honestly were like the perfect match. Can I say how awesome Trisha was? She wasn’t going to let anyone mess with her brother.

Another good book. I go through these books like nobody’s business. 

Six years ago, Dewayne Falco’s life changed. He lost someone he never expected to lose. Resigned to punish himself for something he felt he could have prevented, he goes through life without getting too close to anyone. What he didn’t expect was for the girl across the street to move back home and remind him of what they both lost: Dewayne’s younger brother Dustin. However, when a miniature version of Dustin opens the door to greet him, Dewayne realizes he might not have lost everything after all. Sienna Roy loved Dustin Falco most of her life. He was the boy next door, the high school basketball star and her best friend. But when his life was cut short, she realized he left a part of himself behind. Now, she’s back in Sea Breeze, thankful to have a home for her and Dustin’s son, but not sure if she can ever forgive the people across the street who abandoned her when she needed them the most — The Falcos. Betrayal, lies, and forbidden attraction might end Dewayne and Sienna’s story before it’s even begun.

*What I thought: 4 out of 5 stars

read: 04/17

Sienna was very naive. There was so many hints that she didn’t pick up that Dustin was a douche. I mean it sucks what happened to him but still she should have figured it out or kicked him to the curb. I felt bad for her. Her parents sucked big time, she was alone dealing with everything, and she was mourning still. But that didn’t stop her being an awesome mom. 

It was nice to see what Dewayne was thinking. I always found him interesting and funny in the past books and was glad he finally got his story and happy ending. He’s was such a tough guy but became mush whenever Sienna was around. It was so sweet. 

Overall, I liked it. It was such a good book and that ending made me tear up. 

The backstory that fans have been clamoring for—how Rock and Trisha fell in love—is the final installment in the Sea Breeze series from New York Times bestselling author Abbi Glines. And don’t miss the sizzling Epilogue, where Abbi wraps up all the Sea Breeze couples’ stories! Trisha Corbin always knew how to hide a bruise. With her momma’s boyfriends unable to keep their hands off of her, she had no choice. And as long as it meant the guys wouldn’t go near her little brother, Krit, it was worth it. But her days of dreaming that Prince Charming would ever come rescue her are far, far in the past. Rock Taylor always had a plan. Through football, he would rise above the life he was born into. A full ride to play for a major college team was within his reach—assuming he didn’t let anything get in his way. But scoring a date with the hottest girl in Sea Breeze was proving harder than expected. Trisha Corbin was every man’s walking fantasy, and she wouldn’t even glance his way. When Rock finally does get Trisha in his truck, it isn’t for a date. It’s because he picks her up on the side of the road, beaten and bruised and walking to the local hospital. Before Rock knows it, football is no longer his life. Trisha Corbin is. And he’ll do anything to save her. And keep her. In addition to Rock and Trisha’s love story, this special novel contains the wrap-up stories of all your favorite Sea Breeze couples: Sadie and Jax, Marcus and Low, Cage and Eva, Preston and Amanda, Jess and Jason, Krit and Blythe, and Dewayne and Sienna.

*What I thought: 3.5 stars out of 5 stars

read: 04/17

I thought it was an okay book. I thought it was going to be more on Rock and Trisha but they got such a small portion. I loved how they were with the siblings of Preston’s that they adopted. They were so sweet together. I did like it showed more of Trisha and Krit’s younger days and the crappy stuff they had to deal with. My issue was how unbelievable it was during their high school days. I find it hard to believe that every girl wants to get with boys of the books because back in my highschool days, boys didn’t look and act like the boys did in this book. lol

While I liked that every couple got an epilogue, it bothered me also. I’m sorry but sex does not fix fights or insecurities. And almost everyone that had some issues that was solved by sex. Deep sigh. Besides that, I liked that it showed 10 years in the future with everyone and their kids. They breed like a bunch of rabbits. lol. I also liked that it showed Bliss (Cage and Eva’s daughter) and her meeting Nate Finlay (Rush and Blaire’s son). I’m sure that will be an interesting book.

*On a side note- She needs a better editor. I understand typos and mistakes happen but in almost every book I read was something that needed corrected. My biggest issue was inconsistency. For example in one book: the character was putting on his shirt while talking then a few sentences later, he was putting on the same damn shirt. Like??? He came in with one and now he’s layering. lol

[creampuff-earper]

Kate McKinnon Fanfiction. Foldingchairs and the city of dreams. Re-edited

Hey guys, I’ve decided to post my fanfic about Kate McKinnon on here.You can find it on AO3 as well: http://archiveofourown.org/works/8275334/chapters/18957797 

Summary: This fanfiction tells the story of a fan, just like any of us, meeting Kate and everything that happens after that.

It takes off at SNL, later on Nino will be there and Kate is the most amazing person in the world. What could one want more?

Chapter 3

Kate POV

I smile, looking at the girl in front of me. She’s gulping down her beer like her life depends on it. I ask her if she’s thirsty and she explains she had been waiting a very long time fore me. I kinda feel guilty for the clueless European girl facing the brave world on her own. I know this was no is wrong, on so many levels, but for some reason I couldn’t help but look her up on Facebook after our brief encounter last night. She had looked so flabbergasted when I came out of that door and once again made a complete fool of her self when I told her I saw her nocking over those chairs back at the studio. And for some reason when I came back to my apartment that night that’s all I could think about. Usually fans made me uncomfortable and out of place, always wanting something from me and treating me like some sort of goddess, of like a tool, never like a human being that just wants to go home to her cat. But then again who was I to judge, there were days I was pining for Gillian Anderson. How people could possibly feel the same way about me was beyond me but my reality none the less.

There was just something in the way she held herself, insecure but bold and careful but witty at the same time, sparked my interest. Our encounter today was no different. I had been nervous about our “date” All day but when I pulled up to the curb where she was fiddling with her button down I knew she was having a way harder time then me. From that point on I decided to make sure she felt comfortable and at ease with me. I had no idea why I was feeling so strongly about doing that for her but it was clearly working as one after the other playful exchange of words fired off between us. I was having a lot of fun joking around with her and she was notably having a good time as well. Mission accomplished so far.

We wait for our food to arrive when her phone suddenly buzzes. I was her slipping it out underneath the table, as if I’m not allowed to see who just texted her. She looks at the screen and giggles, the person on the other end clearly entertaining her with their message. She quickly types away a response and after another glance at her screen she slides it back in her pocket. “sorry about that” she apologizes when she catches my gaze. I put on a fake smile, for some reason not feeling all too happy about someone making her smile other then me. “Don’t worry about it, your boyfriend?” I ask trying to sound very interested but failing miserably. She snorts hard, like almost laughs at me and I raise my eyebrows at her outburst. “well well miss “out and proud since you were 12” there’s something clearly wrong with our gaydar” she spits at me and wipes a tear of laughter from her eyes. I need a second to collect myself as I feel a blush creep on my cheeks. Trying to divert the attention I try again. “well girlfriend then?” There’s a glint of amazement in her eyes when she studies me for a second and shakes her head slightly. “If you really must know…, that was my best friend, asking if you had kidnapped and killed me yet.” “But! Before you judge her, we’ve watched way to many tv-shows for our own good, so she might be a bit biased about a celebrity taking a complete stranger somewhere down-town New York” My jaw drops to the floor at the thought someone might even slightly think that’s wat I had intended. “And to be honest, I still have no idea if this dinner is just a facade for you to get me all worked up and trusting before taking advantage of a helpless fan living her dream…” she grins and sends me a little wink an goed back to sipping her “European” beer.

This brat.

Usually I was the winner of this game we had been playing all night. But I came up blank this time trying to think of a comeback and this girl was growing bolder by the second. I was loving every part of it. “you’ll regret that, little brat” is all I can come up with and she just laughs harder. “bring it on blondie” she cuts back and sticks out her tongue at me. Before I can say anything back Amanda comes up with a big bowl of our food. Thankfully. “It smells great” Mykah says and waists no time delving into the big pile of spaghetti. “It tastes as good” I enthusiastically reply and start picking at the plate as well, happy to have a little distraction from her beautiful eyes glinstering with a lot of emotions I just don’t wanne deal with right now.

I look up and with a mouth full of spagetti she admits I was right “this is delicious!” she says and smiles, sauce dripping down her chin. I smile back at her, shaking my head at her horrible manners before spotting a blob of tomato sauce that was stuck on her chin after she wiped it with her napkin.

Not really thinking about my next move at all I reach across the table and use my thumb to wipe it away. I wipe it off on my own napkin and when I look back up, it’s her turn to gape at me with red hot cheeks. She chokes on a piece of meatball and I’m laughing profusely now. Swallowing down the remainder of her food with the help of a big gulp of Erdinger and she looks at me, starstruck.

“You’re welcome” I simply state and continue eating. I hear a low grumble from across the table but nothing more… I just tied the score 1 to 1.

Te remainder of eating spaghetti its spend with various kinds of smiling at each other, fighting with our forks for particular pieces of food and at some point there’s even some soft showing of a food against my shin to distract me from intently gazing at her lips a little longer than I should have. When we finish the big plate she excuses herself to go to the bathroom and Amanda skips up to our table. “You are having a good time aren’t yah” She states, suggestively wiggling her eyebrows. “Oh shut it Amanda” I embarrassedly say and sigh. “No seriously you two have been either laughing or staring at each other all night! Even Ricardo asked if you were on a date!” “We’re not on a date! She’s a fan for god sakes” I hiss trying to keep it down “And besides that “I’ve no idea how old she even is… but it’s not a date… And tell your chef to mind his own business” I continue to growl at her, not sure who I was trying to convince more, Amanda or myself. “Whatever you say missy” Amanda spits back and winks We’ve known each other long enough to take this kind of talk from one another. As she turns to walk away with our dirty dishes I grab her arm an pull her down to me. “But she’s pretty right?” I can’t help myself… I collect another grin and Amanda walks away kicking open the door to the kitchen with her foot and she waist no time to shout at Ricardo “I owe you a tenner” just loud enough for me to hear an I snort. Who was I kidding anyways. “what or who has you laughing that isn’t me?” Mykah suddenly says before slinging back in the booth. “Oh just something Amanda said” I say and look over to see Ricardo wave his 10 dollers at me. “So… desert?!” I excitedly say before she can start asking more questions. “pffft woman, give me a second…” She says and rubs her stomach. “Amateur” I huff and start looking over the desert menu I collect another glare from the corner of my eye but before I can say anything else she slides next to me and starts scanning the menu as well. Our sudden closeness catches me off guard and for a moment all I can concentrate on is the warmth radiating of her body, making me very hot all of the sudden.

“I am going for the panacotta” she says and turns her face to look at me. snapping out of my haze I can’t help but stutter “ huh… who… what?” she smiles, knowing exactly what just happend and nods towards the menu. “Panacotta? You know, this Italian desert that’s all wobbly?” “hmm I know what it is” She apparently decides to drop it after my somewhat gnarly remark. “what are you going for?” “the tiramisu I think” “ AHH only if you let me have a bite! I love Tiramisu!” She smiles at me and I feel weak at my knees. “Yeh sure” I say absently as I try to get my heart rate to a normal pace. “Hey, you alright?” she asks and puts her hand on mine squeezing it softly I suck in a breath and hate myself for not having control over my body whenever she smiles or touches me. “Yeh, yeh, just a little hot” I say and it’s not even a lie. “Wanna catch some air?” She proposes and I nod. “let’s go then” She says and follows me out of the booth holding our jackets. When I reach for mine she shakes her head and moves to hold it open for me to slip in. The little gesture speeds up my heart rate once again and I’m starting to wonder if I’ll make it out of this restaurant alive. I slip into my coat and she adjust it around my shoulders. Before I can do so myself her hand softly grabs my loose strands of hair and pulls them from underneath the collar. “all set” she states and puts on her own jacket and we we head for the small patio behind the restaurant.

I am thankful for the cold air hitting my cheeks when we step outside and I hear Mykah let out a heavy breath too. We sit down on one of the benches and just stare into space for a couple of seconds. For some reason we decide to turn our heads to look at each other at the exact same time and we erupt into a set of nervous giggles when we catch each others eyes.

“Hey, I just wanted to say that I’m really having a great time tonight, thanks for inviting me here.” She says and smiles. “I should thank You for tripping over those chairs last night, that’s why we are here in the first place” I joke and she grins while shaking her head. “Anndddd thank you for reminding me of that glorious moment once again…”

We’re full out laughing together now and she shoves my lightly in the shoulder. Sending yet another set of sparks down my arm “No seriously tho, I am having a great time tonight as well, thanks.” I say and am suddenly overcome with the urge to reach out and take her hand in mine but fight it, knowing way better then taking this too far.

Mykah starts to say something when Amanda bursts trough the door. “Hey you lovebirds, can I get you a desert?” I groan at Amandas comment and close my eyes. “You asshole” I spit at her and she just shrugs, a small grin on her face” I turn back to look at Mykah and see her just staring at her hands, but a small smile playing on her lips. “You know what, worst host of the century… Just bring me the check, we’re out of here!” Mykah laughs out loud and Amanda just trows her hand at me “pfft whatever”

She disappears back inside and I apologize to Mykah. “sorry about that, Amanda is just an asshole that can’t mind her own business” “it’s fine…” she replies and she smiles but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes as it has done all night.

We wait for our check in silence and I try to figure out what just happend for her to be this quiet. After a back and forth over her wanting to pay the bill I finally cut a deal to her “I’ll pay for our food if you pay for our drinks at the bar, deal?”

I see her eyes light up and she finally agrees.

I quickly take care of the it and hug Amanda goodbye, telling her that I’ll never be back ever again if she didn’t cut the shit and she simply replies with “have fun and be safe tonight!” wiggling her eyebrows once again and I pull Mykah out of the door, not wanting Amanda to make her even more uncomfortable with her stupid remarks.

John is already waiting for us outside, I had texted him when we were waiting to get out of the place.

Hey John, off to Macies, please!”

We share a short cab ride to my usual bar and sit ourselves down in the corner of the bar, occupying two barstools.

“What would you like to drink Milady?” Mykah asks me and she grins at her own pretend chivalry.

“I would love another beer” I say and look up at her sporting a big smile.

“Two beers coming right up!” She says and walks over to the bartender to order.

One more drink couldn’t hurt, could it… I try to convince myself and hope for the best when she walks up with two big glasses.

[nofomoartworld]

Hyperallergic: Newspaper Refuses To Give An Artist Credit For Her Work

Christine Baeumler, “Skyrise” (2017), (photo by the author for Hyperallergic)

Minnesota artist Christine Baeumler has been working for the past two years on a multidisciplinary art and science project focused on environmental issues. A couple of weeks ago a sculpture she created with collaborators Amanda Lovelee and Julie Benda, Pollinator Skyrise, was unveiled in St. Paul. The piece — an angular wood-and-steel tower with honeycomb motifs, designed to lure bees, butterflies, and other pollinators — is a small, visible part of a huge project for which Bauemler and researcher Colleen Satyshur raised a quarter of a million dollars to put together a research team. A few days later a short, positive piece appeared in the Star Tribune, the largest newspaper in Minnesota. That day Baeumler started getting e-mails and calls about the story: had she seen this sculpture? Did she know the artist? They had no way of knowing that the work was hers — because in the paper her name was never mentioned, not even in the image credit.

It wasn’t the first time a woman was written out of her own story, and even that week it wasn’t the last. God help you if you’re a Black or trans woman in the arts, because erasure is intersectional. In recent weeks, national attention has been drawn to the remarkable neglect of Nigerian-American writer Nnendi Okorafor’s authorship in reporting on the forthcoming HBO series based on her novel Who Fears Death, an effacement especially visible in media outlets’ marketing of their own stories. The A.V. Club promoted their story about an “Afrocentric new sci-fi series from producer George R.R. Martin” with a photo of Martin; the Hollywood Reporter led with a headline that didn’t mention Okorafor, along with a photo of another white male writer attached to the project. Most egregiously, back in July, Vice promoted their story with a photo of George R.R. Martin paired with a photo of the jacket of Okorafor’s novel — with her name on the cover cropped out of the photo. Responses on Twitter (especially from women of color) were aghast at the one-two punch of erasure based on sex and race that still packs a wallop in American media.

Today women make up about half of all working artists, but their representation in media has not improved since the 1950s — in fact, it’s gotten a bit worse. There are more women out there doing work in the world than ever before, so why do they get so little recognition? Some people assume that the media ignores women’s work because it’s generally less interesting or lower quality than men’s work; that perception is certainly an issue, and one that’s been taken up by generations of activists like the Guerilla Girls and their younger sisters Pussy Galore. But Baeumler’s work wasn’t ignored in that article, but praised; it was the focus of a friendly piece of writing, highlighted by a photo. Her artwork was deemed worthy of our attention — it was just the authorship of a woman that was erased.

Women lose credit for their efforts and the recognition that comes with it even when their work is valued. It’s an aspect of the underrepresentation of women in arts writing that we don’t often think about, and one that should be reasonably straightforward to address. Back on the ground in the Twin Cities, telephone calls were being made. The whole thing was a little difficult, a little embarrassing — no one wants to be seen as the angry woman, squeezing sour grapes. But everyone involved was tired of being accommodating. No one has asked for much: an amendment to the digital edition of the story; maybe just a sentence. The reporter has refused to issue a correction or addendum, citing press freedoms. What I’m told is that his argument goes something like this: “an omission is not an error.”

Some writers and editors step up when they’re called out. Nnedi Okorafor has a vocal fan base that’s ready to go to bat for her. The AV Club figured out that they’d made a mistake that had real ramifications, and they rewrote their headline to foreground Okorafor and placed a correction notice at the top of their story: “We apologize for this error in judgment, and any implications of lack of authorship or ownership on Okorafor’s part.” Two days after Vice’s story came out, they too fixed their headline and replaced their cropped image with one that reinstated Okorafor’s name, saying that they regretted their mistake. Most artists, though, don’t have the kind of fan base that can command such apologies, and without some recognition they don’t have any hope of gaining the power that comes with one.

Baeumler is a tenured professor; she’s the rare artist with the protections necessary to speak up herself. But even for her, coming out as angry to the limited extent that she did — with a short rant in a Facebook post, visible only to friends and acquaintances — was a fraught decision. Stories like hers are emotionally laden because it’s not just an oversight or sloppy journalism, and women know that. They know in their bones why this happens, and why it matters. And then their gender knocks them down again, because what can you do? You don’t want to be seen as too whiny, too grabby. You have to talk yourself into graciousness. Isn’t it true that you do the work because you love it? What does it matter?

Even when you do allow yourself a bit of outrage, you know it probably won’t matter — it’s all risk, no reward. Genius-among-us Björk recently went on the record demanding credit for her work producing her albums, and even she had to laugh it off and couch it in apologies (“It always comes across as so defensive that, like, it’s pathetic … I hope it doesn’t come across as too defensive”) and noted that even when her male collaborators tried to correct the record in the media, no one listened. Groups regularly get together in Wikipedia “edit-a-thons” in an effort to add pages for well-known women artists, but sociologist Francesca Tripodi has found that women who meet the objective standards for inclusion there are twice as likely as men to be nominated for deletion; women of color are even more likely to be flagged, often by Wikipedians who self-identify as “deletionists” and carry out calculated, coordinated actions against pages produced at edit-a-thons — sometimes even flagging them for deletion and rejecting them as they are being written.

In Minnesota, emails and letters to the editor continue, receiving nothing in return but silence. It can be hard to admit that you’re wrong about something, even harder to admit you might be part of the problem — especially when you’re trying to do the right thing. But we are, all of us, wrong sometimes. Sexism and racism aren’t just made up of the things we do to one another on purpose; they’re embedded in the structures that surround us. As Tressie McMillan Cottom writes, “Racism and sexism work best of all when intent is not a prerequisite.”

The post Newspaper Refuses To Give An Artist Credit For Her Work appeared first on Hyperallergic.

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[worldofsurvivortibet-blog]

EPISODE 1 (Part 2) - “I'll be sharpening my knife just in case” - Eddie

SEB

I'll be happy if I never have to see another fucking Robot Unicorn for the rest of my life...

NICHOLAS

Hey guys! So I am going to send it here so it's easier, but I already LOVE my tribe! Everyone is so sweet and easy to talk to (something that isn't always the case in these games). I am really trying to be super active and friendly and supportive towards people so that they feel like they should keep me around,,,, and i think it's working well since I got added to that fun alliance! I'm working hard for this reward challenge so I can prove my worth to all of these people on my tribe! That's about it for now! xoxoxoxo Nicholas

AMANDA

OK i have found that i hate this unicorn game. Like HATE IT.  I am so over it. everyone seems cool so far. there is some people that i am already kind of nervous  about because they just seem like they are already trying to play games and stuff. IDK but they just have me on edge but oh well. I think i am going to try to become close with them but idk i don't really want to be close with hem bc i don't trust them.

JARED

Honestly I am PISSED I was not put with Daniella or Trysten, and I’m stuck with the damn furry! But this will not bring me down, I am here to WIN and I will do whatever it takes to do that. Right now my goal is to just be social and try my best to talk to everyone, because god knows I do not want to be the first one voted out!

CHRISSA

we won that reward which is cool there's a reason i like that game, I hope we win immunity too so nervous still. I am hoping i am safe if we don't win either though. Voting if we had to, would be so hard.

ELENA

I am so happy that we won reward! I am a little bit confused about what exactly they are able to do at "the summit" but hopefully Dani and Darian will share with us when they get back! So far as tribe relations go, I haven't had a chance to speak with everyone yet, but I have made a couple of friends it seems in Seb and Darian. I hope to speak with everyone at least once before Immunity challenge is over.

DANI

I WANTED THAT GODDAMN IDOL CLUE! ME! I did! But my freaking Papa Jabari or whatever that dish was called didn't have jack SHIT! Grrrr.... I Didnt even eat that shit it tasted like acc trash! So I'm starving and now I'm stuck on a fucking mountain peak with a furry, someone who plays the victim all the time, a photographer piece of shit who I'm targeting, and a few other assclowns I haven't had the privilege of conversing with. GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW!

MATT

My lord Seamus got angry over something I called toast. I need to do that more *eyes emoji*

CHRISSA

flag challenges are ugly but I am here for it and the summit twist is cool that's all

JARED

Honestly, I’m mad.  I wanted to go to the summit because I wanted to talk to Daniella… *starts sobbing* I just feel so ALONE! It’s not fair….

TRYSTEN

I'm not going to lie. I feel defeated a little. I just feel like the weakest link, and I'm not going to be surprised if they vote me out.

KENDALL

Okay I just found out newlyf's name, it's Ally. I was right the first time, which is weird because I am usually never right at all. So chances are we are in the Matrix, sorry to shatter your fragile reality :/. Now on to more substantial things: 1. The Reward Challenge Yeah fuck that challenge man. I'm not going to lie, for the first ten minutes it was sort of fun. I like addicting things and the music was pretty good but everything went down hill and it went down hill fast. I still have the bloody song stuck in my head. :( 2. Summit Interesting concept and I like the idea of having an excuse for not being as social. Unfortunately I couldn't jump at the opportunity because that would be stupid. It would put a target on my back if I did, as the possibility of me having an idol would increase. Plus the odds of someone from my group going was very high considering we make up 4/7. And low and behold I was right. Two of the people I trust the most went to the Summit and I got to keep my hands clean. I guess this also means that the idol thing was fake which leads me to say, really guys, really? I stressed out about this.  3. The Immunity Challenge Flag making challenge, I volunteered because nobody else knew how to use photoshop and I am really good at drawing. I'm no Picasso (early Picasso, not late Picasso, I could do that shit) but I think it will work. Not to mention I hate relying on other people because people are gross and that I need to prove myself of some use. If I'm not careful, they'll catch on that I am virtually worthless in most scenarios. Like I wouldn't even be good bait for the wild animals, I taste too much like arsenic.  Anyway that's all folks, I'll be back with more scheming, paranoid ramblings and zombies. Well, maybe not those first two.   

DARIAN

SHIT HIT THE FAN kinda. I got an idol on my first try today. But it wasn't for my tribe... I know..Im sooooo lucky that I find someone else idol. So I was than told that I had 45 min to decide who I was going to give it to. Instantly I had two ideas in my head Keyonjay or Ally. Keyonjay- He clearly is decent in challenges and would be a string partner to attempt to align myself with. He has also agreed that if he finds my idol that he will give it to me. So theres a win win there for me.. maybe Ally- She did really bad in the first challenge and that honestly puts a huge target on her back because she is the easy vote. The team stays strong and no one gets butt hurt. But if she has the idol she can make a move and take out a big player EARLY... Like Keyonjay hahaha. After talking it out with keyonjay and getting his opinions and than a little self reflection I decided to give Keyonjay the idol in hopes that he could be the one to find my idol and maybe even become a strong alliance member!! Ahhhh so stressed!!!!

KEYONJAY

Okay so a couple things. I got the best score on the first challenge out of pure luck. Like just somehow I literally got to like 55k on level two when the previous times i played i couldn't get over 10k on all three levels. Unfortunately we still didn't win which fucking sucks because I didn't wanna go to the goddamn summit at all, but the other tribe chose me because i got the best score apparently. Didn't really wanna be away from my tribe for anything to change with my alliances, and really didn't wanna be put in a position that complicates my game. Ofc immediately that changes because Darian just gave me an idol. like dsfsdsf wtf. I just met the kid. It's really nice though and obviously from my last game I see that you can't abuse people's kindness like that so I'm not gonna use it against him or anything or brag and call him dumb (I'm sorry Mitchy D:) but this definitely complicates things because if I had an idol, I'd rather be the only person that knows about it and now I have to contend with the fact that this idol is basically mine AND Darian's and I have to use it in a way that benefits both of us or risk a pissed off juror. God. DONT GIVE ME IDOLS! I DONT WANT THEM! THEY COMPLICATE THINGS! He wants me to use it on Ally if my tribe loses the first immunity, but hopefully I can protect her and make that not happen regardless, or we can win, which I doubt since it's a flag challenge and I fucking suck at these.

ACE

Alright we got 2nd on the challenge which is decent. And then the next chall is a flag making competition and considering Kendall and Jared know of my abilities hopefully they can leave it up to me. I'm gonna make a wicked gif. Anyways the Summit twist is kinda cool, I got food that gave me an idol clue but it at least told me where NOT to look. I'm probably gonna stick to mountainside since random.org told me to. The Summit is Me and Keyonjay, Matt, Darian, Dani, and Johnny. I already know Dani and Matt, Darian talked with me a bit and they seem alright. They use phone emojis a lot and Im not use to seein those on my computer so its weird a bittttt! Johnny isn't online yet so idk about them just yet. Before I left Jared wanted me to talk to Keyonjay about making an alliance with them. When I heard keyonjay would be at Summit I decided to volunteer myself so I could get the question in. Keyonjay said they were ok with Jared and wanted him to join the alliance with Kendall and Nicholas... uhh no I think we just meant something between us 3 we don't need that big of an alliance even though our tribe is amazing and we'll probably barely lose anybody =') Also Kendall and I sorta already settled Jared as our possible first tribe boot so that'd just make things a bit harder maybe? WHo's even left? Ally and Amanda... that's it rofl also I don't think Ally is Mega anymore lol delete it

JOHNNY

Since joining the game, I’ve found it really difficult to legitimately communicate with people. I can’t help but think a lot of these people are dweebs, who just sit behind the computer all day blogging on tumblr and obsessing over Survivor games online I’m sure, and there’s no way I can compete with no lifes who do nothing but scratch their ballsacks all day. Any who, I do kinda know Dani, who is in the Summit with me right now, and i recognize Jared from a few other games I’ve played, but I’ve yet to approach him yet about the game, but I’m glad I have that in my back pocket. I’ve really gotta start forming some bonds with people, because the conversations I’m having with most of these people are not strong, and I wouldn’t be surprised if these try hard motherfuckers already have a majority alliance, but all I can do is contribute in challenges and hope for the best since my social game isn’t going to be too strong this early on. I’ve made a bond with Crimson on my team because we have a mutual friend, so hopefully that can take me a long way for now. My plan is to just bond with Matt since he’s the only one from my tribe I can talk to, maybe strike a deal, let him think he can do anything with me in this game, when tbh I’ll probably slit his neck soon enough anyways

tbh I get the very scary feeling that a lot of people know each other in this game, and I honestly don’t have anyone in this game that I can truly rely on like some do, and I’m never going to know who is friends with who. Now I know what it feels like to kinda be a newb in the games I play when I just target the people I don’t know… Guess I’m getting a taste of my own medicine here

DANI

Darian is getting on my nerves so badly. Like ugh, shut up for like two seconds nobody cares if you're a photographer. 

So Darian's dumbass comes up to me saying Carson/Julia have an idol in the game. Do I believe him? Yeah. Do I not wanna believe him? Yeah... But that's just how the game works. Oh how I wish I had that idol... *licks lips* Oh the things I would do to it... Grrr....

CARSON

Ok so I'm pretty sure Darian just exposed that he has the idol by trying to give me a fake clue. On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Darian Goggin wrote: > I got a clue to an idol On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Darian Goggin wrote: > It wasn't much but it's something On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Carson (albania host) wrote: > omg On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Darian Goggin wrote: > Don't search the Forrest On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Darian Goggin wrote: > Or the mountainside On 1/4/17, at 7:27 PM, Carson (albania host) wrote: > I guess that can be kind of helpful lol So apparently you get clues to the idol at the Summit. Hell, there could even be an idol at the Summit. But regardless he got a clue... but he should have quoted it if it was real. Plus I went to the mountainside already and got THIS: On 1/3/17, at 9:24 PM, carson (tibet host) wrote: > You come to the spot where an idol looks to have been hidden, but there's nothing here! https://media.tenor.co/images/fb3f2d1e814190100a4ae401b1660d5b/tenor.gif He told me not to go to the mountainside because he already went there and got it and he didn't want me to find out its gone! And I guess its safe to say he's working with Dani now, who I also wanted to work with. I would go to her about it, but idk if she'd leak to Darian that I'm onto him. Right now, I'm just going to lay low with this until I need to use it. It sounds to me like Dani, Seb and Elena already know each other, and if Darian goes with them, they'll have majority. I wanted to work with Julia (and by extension Chrissa), but idk if it'll work out. Once again, I don't want to pry at all because no one really has a target yet. There isn't an easy first boot, so one slip up could cost me the game. OK THE PLOT JUST THICKENED Apparently, the Namtso idol is gone... which means all the tribes are searching the same area. So maybe Darian doesn't have it... but he could be protecting someone that does. I mean he's probably in cahoots with the ppl at the summit, And we can find the other tribe's idols. I'm so fucking shook.

JULIA RAE

ok so right now i dont know what im doing bc i dont really play survivor ,,, but i think im doing alright. i talked to everyone and i rly like carson and darian but that just my opinion! also darian told me that he'd be willing to get rid of seb if it came down to it ,,,, which is ok with me idk that dude and he kinda weird ngl! hopefully we win immunity bc if we dont idk what to do!! hehe love survivor!!

TRYSTEN

Holy Shit! I fucking did not expect us to get first, but thank yoouuu Johnny! *blows a kiss to the camera* moi!

CHRISSA

I am so glad we are not going to tribal, fuck the people who said those things lol just kidding it's their opinion honestly we just don't know who will judge and what they will like. it sucks.

DANI

I feel good I feel nice I've never felt so Satisfied I'm in love I'm alive Intoxicated Flying high It feels like a dream When you touch me tenderly I don't know if it's real But I like the way I feel Inside

DARIAN

Yasss we won immunity! No tribal! Which is great because no one really is on the outs rn so no one can really be an easy vote and that's scary! But I don't have to worry about that so yay!

KEYONJAY

So we lost the first immunity challenge and this really sucks, but luckily I'm in the majority alliance and then we kinda have Jared as an extra number even though he's not really IN the alliance or the alliance chat. I still have my idol that nobody knows about so I could make some kind of move if I wanted. Darian wanted me to use it to "take out a power-player" but I'm like, not gonna do that. It's WAY too early to make a big move like that and it would be completely illogical and senseless. It's better to just go with the numbers right now and not rock the boat. Plus I don't really see anyone on our tribe as a power-player necessarily. Kendall is definitely the leader of our alliance but I wanted it that way so I can continue flying UTR and focus on my social game. Now to see who will be the first to go from our tribe. :( Sucks because I really like everybody.

MATT

Well damn. Johnny is actually the MVP for this one. We can literally just relax and pretend like we give a shit about who's leaving only because it's none of us lmao.

ACE

I'm sad we lost, I like everybody on this tribe. I don't feel like bringing Jared down just yet, I brought up that Ally had the lowest score on the Reward challenge so we could possibly just go with her. Everyone in the Mofos alliance said they wanna keep me and Kendall for doing good work in the challenge but we'll see about that. I think I'm good with mostly everybody except for Amanda and Ally. I just spoke to Amanda and she said she'll vote Ally bc they haven't spoken at allll. Amanda doesn't seem to be in any alliance whatsoever. Kendall is a strong leader in the Mofos and I like that she's more leading than I am even tho I'm the one who suggested Ally. Hopefully that'll keep the target more on her than me later on in the game. Kendall just told me Keyonjay gave her an idol clue and it's the same one I got. So that didn't help any. I guess I gotta continue filling up that mountainside grid.

ELENA

I am so happy that we aren't going to Tribal Council because I really like everyone on our tribe right now! It will be sad if we lose any time soon because they are all just very nice and interesting people. I am so greatful for Carson for doing the most of the work on the flag, I do wish he had somehow incorporated the Yaks since I did the research on Tibet, it felt like my idea was ignored a little bit. But what matters the most is that it was a very good outcome! I can't wait for the next challenge!!

KENDALL

Welp, I might have fucked myself. Why did I volunteer? Why did I think that combining two mediums is a good idea? Dear lord, what have I done? Well anyway, here's a quick recap: Ace and Keyonjay went to the summit and when they came back Keyonjay told me he had an idol clue. He gave it to me because he really didn't want an idol, apparently they are more trouble than there worth. Ace didn't tell me anything about the summit and only talked about making the flag. She only brought it up when I revealed my idol clue. This proves to me that my loyalties should lie more with Keyonjay than Ace. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway after we lost the challenge I typed in the alliance chat "well at least we know it's either me or Ace". I meant it as a joke but they freaked out and thought I was pulling a Zane. I managed to clear up the misconception but I am still not sure if they still doubt me. In order to repair some sort of relationship with her, I showed Ace the idol clue which was the same clue she got. And now I'm nervous maybe she will show receipts of the conversation to Keyonjay and shift the target on to me. It wouldn't be too difficult, I'm a bit of an unusual person to talk to and I mostly hogged the challenge that we failed. Though chances are I'm being irrational so I'm not going to risk it. If I do start panicking and try to get my alliance mates out, I'll end up putting the target on my back that I've been trying to avoid. God I hate feeling fear, it's very gross. Well, all feelings are gross... it's just this one is inconveniencing me the most currently.

[thecreativityofthinking]

Novel Information

Title: All The Bright Places

Author: Jennifer Niven

Published: Penguin Books, 2015

First published in the USA by Alfred A. Knopf, an imprint of Random House Children's Books.

Genre: Young Adult Romance

ISBN: 978-0-141-35703-4

Total Pages: 378 pages

Language: English

Praise for All The Bright Places

“The next The Fault in Our Stars - this is it” - Guardian

“A searingly honest and heart breakingly poignant tale about the power and beauty of love” - Heat

“This book has changed me” - Benjamin of Tomes, Youtuber and viewer

“Lovely and devastating” - VOYA Magazine

“@jenniferniven i’ll always take your story in my heart. All The Bright Places became my favorite book” - Twitter review @binscoita

“Perfect fans of Rainbow Rowell, John Green and David Levithan” - Booktrust

“Touching, vibrating and impressively honest” – Buzzfeed

“Sparkling” – Entertainment Weekly

“Finished All The Bright Places. I ugly-cried so hard. @jenniferniven thank you for writing such a beautiful book” – Twitter review @heyhanny

“Beautiful, heartbreaking and exhilarating” – Bookseller

“This is an important story, beautifully told” – HeyBooBooks.tumblr.com

“A charming love story about [an] unlikely and endearing pair of broken teenagers” – New York Times Book Review

“An intense, gripping novel perfect for fans Jay Asher, Rainbow Rowell, John Green, Gayle Forman and Jenny Downham” – TrippingOverBooks.com

“This book is amazing...i couldnt’s put it down” Zoe Sugg a.k.a Zoella

Jennifer Niven Little Biography

All The Bright Places is Jennifer Niven’s first book for young adult readers, but she has written 4 novels for adults-American Blonde, Becoming Clementine, Velva Jean Learns to Fly, and Velva Jeans learn to Drive – as well as three nonfiction books – The Ice Master, Ada Blackjack, and The Aqua Net Diaries, a memoir about her high school experiences. Altough she grew up in Indiana, she now lives with her fiance and three luterary cats in Los Angeles, which remains her favorite place to wander. For more information, visit http://www.jenniferniven.com/ and http://www.germmagazine.com/ , or find her on Facebook.

First Impression

I know this book from bookstagramer and i know that this book is the best from review on goodreads and everywhere else. I know it sounds stupid when i read one of the reviewer said that this book is the next the fault in our star, because i do not like compare one book with another even though they are completely same! Because even they same, they have some different part on it. Sorry though for someone maybe hurt with what i did.

I read the synopsis and i am completely fall in love with those words! Even those words are not quite much but she did it well. She makes me curious what is it inside the book, is it good enough? or is it bad and will makes me cry harder? This is gonna be the 9th books i have read in 2017. Wohooo 🙌 So, let’s get started!

Review

Characters:

-          Finch

-          Violer

-          Charlie (Finch bestfriend)

-          Amanda

-          Embryo (Counselor)

-          Marion Kresney (School counselor)

-          Eleanor (Violet older sister who died)

-          Mrs. Mahone (Russian literature lecture)

-          Ryan Cross (Violet boyfriend)

-          Mr. Black (US Geography lecture)

-          Gabe Romero

-          Joe Wyatt

-          Brenda (Flinch best friend, a girl)

-          Kate (Flinch older sister)

-          Decca (Flinch little sister)

-          Suze (Flinch ex-girlfriend)

-          James (Violet dad)

-          Rosemarie (Flinch step mother)

-          Josh Raymond (Flinch step brother from another mother)

-          Faye Carnes (bookmobile owner)

-          Josh Ivers

-          Margaret Ann

-          And more.....

Point of view: Different point of view, i mean that in some chapter we’ll see it on Finch’s point of view but other one we’ll see on Violet’s point of view. So, the point of view is based on per-character.

Setting place:

-          Bell towers

-          Indiana

-          Bartlett High School

-          Amanda’s house

-          Eleanor’s bedroom

-          Flich father’s house

-          Hoosier Hill

-          Violet’s house

-          The Bookmobile Park

-          Munster

-          Locker Room

-          Indiana Moon Tree

-          Prairieton

-          The Nest House

-          Finch closet

-          And more...

When i was on the first chapter of this book, i can imagine the words completely amazing. I knew some character who might be appear and who might will be the main character on this book. I am just in love with the words that has been written. Like this one

Adding Violet as her friend in Facebook, even he made an account only for her. Because he want to be her friends! How is that not cute? And the 1st time he said that is good to be awake. It is because Violet! Because this guys-Flinch, as far as i know, he want to die ASAP! and this line that he said after Violet confirm her as a friend on Facebook makes my heart melted “So not today,” I Sing. “Because she smiled at me.”

Flinch such a cute boy! He post a video on Facebook and mentioned Violet. Oh My God! They just became friends few minutes ago! How brave he is! I just can’t take it anymore, it was like he want her attention! See it on page 53. And as the moment goes by i am starting to like Flinch personality. Because his brain works like a philosopher and the action he takes he know about the consequences. I don’t know but i just like him and i like Jennifer’s word that describe him as he is.

Bad ass Finch said this to cool gangs at his school when Roamer says “Hey, asshole, why don’t you ask her boyfriend?” I say to Roamer “Because i am not interested in Ryan, I’m interested in Violet.”

HA! can i say that it was cool? How is not it is? He said that in front of Ryan too! Well, that happens when Finch and Violet was going to do their school project together.

I know it’s too soon but i am in love with every single Jennifer’s words which describe Finch! He is annoying boy but i like him the way he is. Even Violet also think that everything much funnier with Finch than Ryan itself. I sit thinking about Jerri Sparks and New York and spring break and how bad I feel about blowing off Finch and for being rude to him when he saved my life. Wandering with him would be more fun than this.

I am barely can not put this book down when they start kissing! Oh god that part when he said that and she said that, damn it. I feel like i am watching them in there. Their conversation before the kiss, before he pull over his car and before all of that. It makes me take a deep breath and my imagination going well. When i open the door, she says “What the hell is going on?” “I can’t wait. I thought i could but i couldn’t, but i can’t. Sorry” ...... “Finch?” I brush a loose strand of hair off her cheek. Then i bold her face in my hands and kiss her. She pulls off her shirt, and i say “You are driving me crazy. You have been driving me crazy for weeks.”

The time when Finch and Romero had a fight and Violet asked him about that, i like his answer which makes my love for this character grows more and more. Even though it feels wrong but i Finch, i like his character and i like him, i just like him. Even this one “Ryan told me. And it’s kind of obvious you were in fight.” “Does it make me look hotter?”

This things got me insane when i get into this line Violet: just give them time. I write: That’s the only thing i don’t have. That i have a thought that this boy, Finch, will killed himself somewhere. Even he already have Violet as his girlfriend and the person he love most but i know that he will kill himself no matter what.

Violet get grounded and she still sneak out to see Finch and Finch showed her about his work-room or his fort in his closet. Violet is the only one person who knows about that closet. But, the things get more complicated after they had a bog fight, right after Finch told Violet about his fort. They are not seeing each other and Finch disappear.

Finch’s family, Brenda and Charlie already told Violet that he is fine and he always doing that thing (disappear). But Violet had a different taught. She knew that something happened and she want to find out about that. And she did, she found Finch leave a note in his closet and Violet solve that note. But before that Finch sent email to Kate, Violet, Brenda and Charlie. The point of his emails are same, he want to say goodbye before he suicide. Those emails and letter he sent to them are in page 327 & 328.

She found Finch floating. But she feels like she couldn’t believe that is Finch. Finch’s dad make sure that is Finch. And they buried him properly. After the funeral, Violet go to the places that they ever picked for wandering. And she found out that Finch ever been in there before he die, when they were not seeing each other. And Finch gave her a clue to the places she should headed. And that is the end of this book. Finch die and Violet live.

The lesson that i get from this book is much, such as we should talk to people we trust and to anyone we trust about our problem. If we keep it in ourselves, bad news is we can ended up like Finch if we don’t have any courage to hold it. This book makes me see the world differently and keep me wondering WHY. But, as far as i know i am more like Finch if i have a trouble. I disappear from world, keep it in myself and i am quiet. But don’t be like that, you have a lot of people around you who love you. I gave this book 10/10 stars, because i prefer like sad ending like this. I am waiting long enough to read the main character death. Sorry not sorry but i like those part, because when i read those part i feel like i am living. I can not wait for the movie and i hope it will good like the book is so it won’t disappointed us as a reader.

I hope you enjoyed my review as much as i enjoy reading this book. I am starting my uni life next Monday and i will keep this blog up as much as i can. Because i would probably busy than ever.

Have a nice day!

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