#god the professionals are reviewing my shit
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not me finding out like a month later my supervisor couldnt find the files i uploaded because they were outside the folder he was looking in
#lord hes soo stupid#like hey. are you really this stupid or......?#and then he called me to reupload them becuase hes stupid#he was like maybe you uploaded them locally#are you reading the words you are typing out#how in gods name would i “upload locally” to YOUR google drive#from a BROWSER?#and how could I look at them weeks later#in the same drive. are you really this fucking stupid#but its okay#i didnt see his message bc i muted messenger#and like a week later he called me to reupload them#god the professionals are reviewing my shit#they are gonna make me remake so MANY docs#i dont wanna say anything but. they really made someone not qualified#make all these... (me)#so many reasons and no.1 is that i didnt believe in this shit to begin with#no.2 is that i never liked text books
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my god. skinny people really just have like. No Idea huh just absolutely not a single clue lmao it's almost funny to watch fr but then id lie if i said i wouldn't fucking kill to be able to be that ignorant
#girl i am SO sorry people react with surprise when you say you're studying to be an opera singer because you're#*checks notes* skinny and attractive. so so sorry that must be literal hell for you huh how will you ever recover :((((#no no please keep talking about how equally bad that is to the brutal fucking fatshaming and ED glorifying#in the industry that me and the only other fat girl in the room were talking about before you interrupted us <3#anyway. we were talking about this one review of a quite famous professional music critic whose only comment about a fat mezzo in the cast#was 'miss xyz.... lose some weight'. not a single word about her singing/acting/whatever. but yeah no you're too sexy for an opera singer#and THAT is the real problem here girl i totally understand yeah <3 thoughts and prayers dearest.#earlier that same day this same girl was standing next to me in her bodycon dress and went#*pointing at her stomach that's so flat its almost concave* 'ughhhh what do i have to do to not look pregnant in this dress 😩😫'#and i said 'girl' and just looked at her and like the sudden horrified realisation on her face was lowkey hysterical#like omg you really did forget you're not talking to your other skinny friends with whom you can pat each other on the backs#and reassure each other that 'dw girl ur not fat at all ur so so sexy!' huh sjshsjshsjs#but yeah i dont like making people uncomfortable irl so i did reassure her she looks hot and pretty and skinny as all shit#let at least one of us have a nice evening and not feel Absolutely Fucking Disgusting ig <3#and the day before that after i saw our (last ever btw never photographing myself with them ever again <3) picture and had a mini break down#the other even skinnier and smaller and petite-er crouched down next to me with the most guilty fucking expression and quietly asked me#if im alright and do i want her to delete those pictures (that she posted on two separate social media pages) and like#the look of immense fucking pity on her was even worse than seeing those pictures#like i know she meant well and was trying to be nice but my god. this really is how you all see me huh#like looking like me would be fate worse than death for yall#not even gonna mention the thing i just learned this friday that the retired ballerina who leads our ballet classes said about me#trying to cheer up the other fat girl who happened to have a bit of an emotional breakdown in the middle of the class :)))))))#like i am sooooooo so glad and honoured to be an inspiration to you. really. always happy to help. the exemplary Fat Girl Who Fucking Sucks#But Doesnt Let It Bother Her <333333#like on one hand. yeah it really does make me wanna jump off a cliff. but on the other. its just hilarious sjdgsjsgsj#you sure are right miss ma'am. i sure don't let this bother me at all. i am famous for my uncanny ability to Not Be Bothered by all this <33#but shes new. its ok. how could she know about the last two years when i was getting panic attacks and sobbing myself to sleep every tuesday#but yeah no. [lauren cooper voice] am i bovvered? am i bovvered tho? i aint even bovvered!
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font reviews based on how good :3 looks
Arial: Classic font, looks good for the most part, but a little bit bland also. 6/10
Berlin Sans FB: There's already a lot more character, but the mouth is simply too long and the lips don't curl enough which takes away from the experience. 4/10
Comic Sans MS: Now THAT'S a colon-three. There's so much silliness in that face it's hard to bear. My only real critique is that the eyes are just a smidge too narrow, but that's just a nitpick more than anything. 8/10
Courier New: Sleek. Professional. Big vertical eyes full of glee. Very solid choice for a colon-three font. 7/10
Jokerman: I feel bad for including this one. That font stood no chance against the others. This is the eldritch horror of colon-threes. These eyes are filled with nothing except murderous intent. The mouth is crooked with a sharp corner, but the most egregious part is probably the teeth-like protrustions from the bottom part of the mouth. 0/10
Goudy Stout: An interesting take on colon-three. I like the idea of having an incredibly thick mouth (even if it's a bit too thick for my liking), and the eyes being big and centered is a big positive. Much sillier than most fonts, but I think struggles to beat Comic Sans in terms of silliness. 6/10
Consolas: Worse version of Courier New. The lips just don't curl enough and it just ends up looking a little pathetic. 4/10
Fixedsys: Oh my god. Holy shit. What the fuck. 10/10
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should i bite the bullet and delete this review
#trying to watch my ‘digital footprint’ since i use letterboxd for professional shit now#but it’s so funnyyyyy#you should’ve seen the talented mr ripley review i deleted recently#total banger. mainly deleted bc i was afraid the people it was abt would download the app#i was right one of them did so thank god i deleted it
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TEA MY LOVE I HAVE A REQUEST. And I know you are the only one I trust with this cause I know you’ll kill it maybe a little nsfw drabble of Tattoo Artist!Endo (or Togame whoever you’re feeling) fucking you in his shop after giving you a sternum tattoo? (Or like any tattoo it doesn’t matter I just peg him as a boob guy lol) He’s just starting down at you, one well placed whimper of pain has him snapping. OKAY I LOVE YOU BYE 🏃🏻♀️💨
listen, listen, THANK U SO MUCH IM HONOURED TO HAVE YOU BE MY FIRST EVER WIND BREAKER REQUEST!! BUT as if i could think about togame if you bring endo up first. i couldn't make him fold right on the spot, he somewhat tried to be a professional (or i just like to make him suffer)! but thank you so much for your trust and i hope i don't disappoint <3 i also can't shut up so forgive me for the length
— sickly sweet : tattoo artist!endo yamato x f!reader
summary: you heard about a great tattoo artist online. his reviews were astounding, almost too good to be true. but the shared images of his works convinced you to enter his shop. even more handsome than transferred online, endo welcomes you in, open and down to fulfil your request on the spot. he needed to stall some time anyway. but he didn't expect to be this affected by a pair of boobs and pretty whimpers
wordcount: 1.3k
content warnings! smut, pet names like angel & sweetheart, unprotected sex, slight exhibitionism, obviously you're getting tattooed so there will be mentions of needles and blood, don't try this with your tattoo artist
Customers like to stare at Endo's exposed body, at the tattoos decorating his skin. And he loves it; he practically basks in the attention. So, seeing your curious eyes roam over his arms, shoulders, and neck really shouldn’t distract him. You’re here to get a tattoo in a rather painful area of your body. Placed beneath him on the tattoo lounger, fighting like a brave soldier. You want a pretty tattoo, so you’ve got to be good for Endo to work his magic.
Yet, he keeps thinking about how you jerked beneath his touch when he placed the stencil on your skin, when he fixed up the lines by drawing on your chest. He made sure you were comfortable, even taping the fabric of the towels in place, should your arms grow tired of protecting your tits from his hungry, concentrated stares.
You can see the heavy swallow in his throat, see the way his brows furrow behind his curls. The handsome guy tattooing and touching you all over is really the only thing that keeps you from crying out loud.
Neither of you expect the adorable whimper that slips past your lips as Endo’s hand rests on your chest for stability. The needle just hit a sensitive spot. “I-I’m sorry,” you stutter, trying to act cool, tough.
Fuck, you’re so cute. He shakes his head, fighting his inner demons, struggling to stay professional. Thank God he covered half of his face behind a hygiene mask. “No problem,” he murmurs. “I know it hurts like shit; got one myself.” Your little hum in response is nearly as heavenly as your whimper. Please, whimper again.
Endo presses his feet into the ground, forcing himself not to bop his leg. Yeah, he needs a break; he can't think straight, can't ignore the weight of his cock in his jeans. But he's almost done, so close to finishing up and shooing you out of his shop. “Nearly there, sweetheart,” he says, the pet name escaping before he can catch himself, eyes widening. Thankfully, you’re too distracted by your own embarrassment and pain, mumbling "yeah" once, twice, as your thighs press together.
Your eyes follow a drip of sweat that runs along Endo’s neck, gaze hungrily dipping beneath the fabric of his tank top as he bends forward a little more. If you grabbed his hair, you could pull his pretty face right into your tits. Endo finishes up the last line, perfecting the tattoo with one final stinging pain he held for the end. Your toes curl in response, teary eyes rolling in their sockets as you spoil him with a pleased little moan, pain and lust clouding your mind.
Did you hear the curses beneath Endo’s mask? He hopes you’re too distracted to notice his eyes clouding with lust, pupils widening as he watches the jiggle of your tits with your heaving chest. The tattoo gun rests on the side table; he should go ahead and wipe your body clean. He really should get moving. He definitely needs to wank one out after you finally leave.
“Gonna clean you up, ‘kay? ’S gonna be cold,” he warns lowly. And come on, he has to reward himself a little. He has to lose the little strips of tape before he cleans your sternum, wiping off the mixture of blood and ink. One hand rests against your rib, thumb grazing your right boob ever so teasingly as his right hand cleans your skin. You hiss at the sensation, your hand flying up to cover your sounds as you bite into the side of your finger. “Almost finished, angel.” This has to be how he got this insane rating on the internet, you think, nodding your head up and down to his reassurance.
And when your eyes meet, he wonders: Do you do this in purpose? Look so desperate for cock? What do you want him to do? Why is it so fucking hot in here? Endo’s eyes flicker from your freshly tattooed skin back up to your eyes. He presses the protective cover on top of your tattoo, his warm hand rubbing along your chest as he finally frees himself from the mask, carelessly dropping it on the table. It’s unfair how handsome he is. It’s unfair how you lean into his touch. It’s easy for him to slip off the covers from your tits and cup them with his hands. His lips attach themselves to your skin, kissing along the bouncy flesh until he can suckle on your nipples, it’s cute how you suddenly fight back your sounds and your eyes fall shut upon the sensations. He totally deserves a five-star review.
Your fingers card through his locks, holding him close. You wouldn’t want him to stop now. Endo moves on top of you; confident in how much the lounger can handle. “Not sure which one of us eye-fucked the other harder,” he whispers in your ear. You can hear the grin on his lips. “But I for sure need to hear you moan for me now.” With that, he lets you feel just how hard you’ve made him, grinding down against your cunt as his kisses reach your neck.
“D-do you sleep with all your customers?” The silly question has him chuckle into the crook of your neck before he busies himself with pulling down your skirt, making short progress of your panties at the same time.
“Would you fuck all your tattoo artists?” Endo shoots back with a smirk on his lips, challenging you with that gut-wrenching eye contact again. He teases your clit, dips his fingertips into your begging hole only to pull back. Do you know how hot you are when you part your lips like that? When you crease your brows into this little look of utter bliss?
It is nearly impossible to quip back a witty reply. “Only if they were hot,” nothing but a distracted mumble as you yearn for satisfaction only he can give you now. “Why, thanks, angel,” Endo chuckles, “but enough small talk.”
Your legs are pushed apart by his gloved hands, pressed against your sides to be on display for him. You weren’t prepared for his cock to impact your pussy like this, not ready for the delicious stretch he overwhelms you with as your nails dig into his tattoos. You writhe beneath him, the shyness gone and replaced by filthy moans and curses mixing between your lips while Endo fucks you hard. Your mouths crash together in lust as you pull him in deeper and deeper. Don't mind the creaking of the lounger, relish in the panting of your tattoo artist, and enjoy the sensations of his gloved hands digging into your thighs as he laps at your tits.
The slapping of skin bounces off the walls before the chime of the bell rings through your body, your pussy gripping like a vice around Endo’s cock in shock as his hand comes up to cover your mouth. Not right now. He couldn’t possibly stop fucking you. “We’re closed for the night!” he yells toward the front of his shop, his hips unrelenting in pushing forward into you. You see the strain in his body in the way his veins pop underneath his skin, fighting his own noises as he waits for an answer from the visitor. Yet, no reply ever meets his ears.
But the pawing of your hands lures him back to focus on you, to bury his face in your tits and drown his moans with your body. He’s chasing the high, eager to get drunk on you. His fingers circle your clit, pinching and toying with the bundle of nerves, making you moan into Endo’s hand. So ready to topple over the edge, your body arches to feel the tip of his cock move right against that sweet spot inside your gummy walls, unravelling beneath him. It’s adorable how perfectly you respond to every touch. With one final, deep thrust, Endo sends you over the edge, your body trembling as waves of pleasure crash over you. Your moans are addictive.
“I always knew you fucked your pretty customers...” a sudden, unexpected voice teases. Right, there was never a second chime of the bell. Endo curses into your chest before pulling back, never stopping his shallow thrusts into you as he straightens himself to meet a pair of golden eyes. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous?” Endo fires back, pinching your clit at the right moment to ensure Chika hears the pretty whines that started all of this as they both wear a knowing look.
dividers by @/cafekitsune
#wb x reader#endo yamato x reader#wind breaker smut#endo x reader smut#endo yamato smut#wind breaker x reader#wind breaker imagines#about.endo#FJDKSKJ THANK U FOR REQUESTING ILYSM#CHIKA WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE#cw exhibitionism#cw needles#cw unprotected sex#─ .✦ winter's words
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📉 blunt
“They say keep your friends close…and your enemies closer. So I did.” “But why is it that when I got closer, you seemed less like an enemy…and more of something else?”
pairing: corporate!dino x gn!corporate!reader word count: 2.1k tags: angst, hurt, corporate competition, not friendly competition at all, almost office romance but asshole!dino happened? warnings: taunting, bickering, cursing, nsfw teasing, literal “not safe for work” stuff haha
a/n: this is for all the corporate working guys and gals out there. inspired by this video from the gose mag vol 2 shoot and a short twt convo that ensued with my moots and i hskdjfh
. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁ masterlist . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁
✎﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏
“Thank you everyone for your time. See you all for the final presentation next week.”
You slam the lid of your laptop shut—gently—at that last remark from your project lead. This project would make or break the reputation of the whole firm and everyone felt the pressure and tension. No big deal, just millions of dollars, everyone’s jobs, and the name of every person involved were on the line.
You paused for a while to take a moment for yourself when you were broken out of your reverie by a blunt force hitting the back of your head. You look for the source and glare at the black laptop bag in front of your face. Of course.
You looked up and were greeted with a smirking face and an eye roll. He looked like an angel with his platinum blonde hair and playful eyes, but he was the devil in disguise if you actually knew him.
It took all your willpower to remain seated and not burst out. That would not bode well for your professional image with most of the people still in the meeting room. There’s always been tension between the two of you since this project started. And you both knew the exact reason why.
───────────── ౨ৎ ─────────────
You were tasked to lead the presentation during the meeting last week. It was an important one because it wasn’t just the team in attendance—the whole executive committee would be there. No big deal though, you were prepared and confident. You were wearing your smartest business attire, hyping yourself up because god knows how else you could get through that morning.
People started coming into the board room one by one. And in he came, as if he were the one commanding the room. The other guys came in their best effort, but he walked in wearing a tailored suit, somehow looking dressed down yet dressed up. And you knew he was in the room before you saw him. He took on a distinct scent, sweet but powerful, spicy and intoxicating. You glared at him and he gave a polite nod of the head in return.
“Good luck,” he said. His smile was full of goodwill, but his eyes were telling another story. His line of sight shifted from you to your laptop and back. An alarm bell rang in your head, but you couldn’t risk being rattled before it even started.
When the executive committee arrived, the president was expectant, looking toward his direction when they asked, “So who will be presenting the final proposal today?”
You projected your voice to take back command. “That would be me,” you said with a winning and confident smile, and you began. You breezed through the presentation with ease until you reached the part discussing the budget.
“Something seems off with the figures.” The chief finance officer narrowed their eyes and reviewed the document in front of them, comparing it to the presentation flashed on the screen.
What the… They were right, there was something off. The numbers were wrong and the numbers didn’t make sense, and the executive committee was here precisely so they could see the bottom line and make sure it was logically sound with the proposal. Shit. Why didn’t I see this before?
“If I may…”
“Ah, Chan.” Your project lead signaled you of the happenings, looking at him with a questioning look. “What is this?”
“Well, I reviewed the deck before this meeting and actually saw this coming.” What? Your smile as you looked at him was tight, civil, and seething. “Sadly, there wasn’t enough time to revise the presentation before this meeting, but I can point out how the numbers are supposed to add up.” He met your gaze at that last line as if mocking your seeming incompetency.
He stood up and started talking, pointing out the flaws in your computations. But he didn’t stop there. He continued to point out other flaws in your presentation and how those contributed to the wrong numbers. He didn’t stop. Almost as if…he planned this from the beginning.
You two were assigned to complete the final proposal and you’ve both been working on it for weeks. Believe it or not, you actually liked working with him. He was smart and knew what he was doing, and he was naturally good at it—Too good, you think to yourself sometimes.
But when your team lead assigned you to present and finalize the whole thing, he suddenly became competitive, hard to reach, and infinitely harder to collaborate with. His sudden 180-degree change did not make any sense at all to you, until today. Until you saw him presenting in front of the executive committee, engaging everyone in a way that you did not and could not.
I am his number one competition and he thinks he is better than me. He thinks I don’t deserve it. But that’s what he thinks.
Once the presentation meeting was over, you made your way to the employees’ locker area. With everything that happened today, you needed to breathe. You couldn’t stand the congratulations Chan was receiving, the ones that were supposed to be yours.
You found your way in front of your locker and opened the lock with ease. You didn’t know why you did that though, as your locker was empty save for a spare set of heels and a photo of you and your family attached to the back of the locker door.
He was in the room before you saw him, that sweet and spicy scent following him around wherever he went. The only time you acknowledged him was when he was standing to your right, leaning on the lockers and looking at you with an unreadable expression.
“Why are you here?” You greeted him with a side eye.
“I thought you could use some company.”
“What makes you think I’d appreciate your company?”
Chan shrugged. “You always used to like my company.”
“That was before you became an asshole.”
“I’m hurt. How could you call me that when I wanted to give you my congratulations?”
The scoff you let out echoed throughout the room. “Excuse me? You knew what was going on back there. You knew there was something wrong, and I’m willing to bet my ass that you’ve known about it for days—maybe even weeks. And you did not bother to tell me for reasons I cannot fathom aside from you being a selfish son of a bitch.”
“Ooh, the slander.” He breathed in through his mouth audibly with a hiss. “I can raise this up to HR as degradation.”
“Oh, boo hoo. Suck it up the way you do with the big bosses. That’s what you wanted, wasn’t it? You think you’re way too good to be at the same level as I am that you would go as far as almost sabotaging a presentation like that with this unprofessionalism.”
“Unprofessional? Who the fuck do you think saved your sorry ass back there?”
“Saved? You could have saved it by being cooperative in the first place and those damn numbers wouldn’t be a fuck up in the first place!”
You jump when Chan leaves your side and slams your locker door shut. But you are unfazed and laugh. “Wow, that’s so mature Chan.” But when you turn to face him, he remains there, his left arm caging you against the lockers.
“Chan, get the fuck away away from me.” You push against his arm and chest but he resists, instead folding his arm to frame your face with his forearm and pinning you effectively to the lockers with his height. He towers over you and you attempt to look up at his piercing gaze.
“Chan…what the fuck are you doing?” His perfume washes over your senses with his face and neck mere inches away. He arrived at the locker area more dressed down from the meeting, his coat and necktie gone and the sleeves of his white shirt rolled up. His argyle sweater vest hides a glint of silver from around his neck.
It takes all your willpower to meet his eyes in this close proximity. And you were both daring to do so, knowing that this was an area secluded from the rest of the office.
“Do you remember when you first arrived here, all bright eyes and smiles during your first day?” Chan’s eyes softened for a bit and matched the hushed tone of his voice. You could feel his breath on your face, smelling sweet from a breath mint. “One look at you and I knew why you were hired. One look and I knew you were special.” He raised his hand to slowly, painstakingly brush away a stray piece of your hair, before slowly tracing a finger down your cheek. “One look...and I knew you were dangerous."
“What are you doing?” You whisper as his finger continues to follow a line down your neck and to your shoulder.
“You were dangerous. You were a threat. Instantly, I knew that this new hire would rob me of the years of experience I toiled over in this company to reach my position when you just got it in the blink of an eye.” As he was speaking, the line continued like a livewire of sensation down your arm, to the side of your torso, and finally rested on your waist “How dare you?” When he said this, he tugged at your waist and closed the already minimal distance between your lower bodies. You take in a sharp breath.
You dare not move any part of your body, but he continues. He leans in to whisper to your ear, “They say keep your friends close…and your enemies closer. So I did.”
You briefly close your eyes and remember your first days at this company. Chan was one of the first people who made you feel welcome with his warm smile and infectious laugh, accompanied you during lunch breaks, and taught you the ropes. But you could never forget the mornings in the pantry when both of you would wait together for the machine to churn out the freshly brewed coffee. You stood beside each other in silence when no more topics could be shared, and day by day the distance between the two of you grew smaller and smaller—until the backs of your hands could almost touch each other, until your pinky fingers could overlap when you both set your hands on the counter.
Chan’s voice broke your reverie when he said, “But why is it that when I got closer, you seemed less like an enemy…and more of something else?” His other hand moved from against the lockers to delicately cradle your neck while his lips moved from your ear to hover over your lips with the tips of your noses lightly touching.
You couldn’t control yourself anymore. Your hands move on their own accord, one holding onto his hand on your neck and the other fiddling with his collar as you grab on his silver necklace to pull him as close as you can.
Your open lips touch his and remain there, hovering in an unresolved kiss. You share each other’s breaths as they both quicken and you feel him against your thigh. He tightens his grip around your waist and pulls you in until there is no distance between your bodies. Your heartbeat is in your ears, ringing with desire and a rush of blood to your head.
“So who am I, Chan?” You say this against his lips. “Who am I?” You feel his hand on your neck pull you in and you briefly see his eyes flutter and close in anticipation.
In a brief moment of weakness, you consider giving in. But you kept a rational mind, and the bruise to your pride and ego was all it took to hold him tight and force yourself away from his cage. He stumbles and hits the lockers that brace his supposed fall. Chan looks at you with bewilderment and sexual frustration evident on his face.
You look back in confusion and with pain in your eyes, hoping they mirror the pang in your chest containing the pain and hurt that your professional self could never show. Maybe you could have shown it if things went differently, and maybe you could have shown it to him. But the cutthroat nature of your jobs would never allow it—he proved it in front of everyone earlier.
“Because I know who I am. And I am not someone you just play with and screw over.” You fight back the tears in your eyes. You could not show weakness, not now. “Suck it up. And play this game right.”
You fix your disheveled clothes and hair and turn your back to him, walking away from him and wishing you could do the exact opposite. But there was no other choice in this matter.
#chanranghaeys#chanranghaeys writes#seventeen#svt#seventeen fic#svt x reader#seventeen x reader#svt x y/n#svt x you#seventeen x you#seventeen drabble#seventeen headcanons#seventeen imagines#seventeen scenarios#svt angst#dino#lee chan#lee dino#svt dino#seventeen dino#svt lee chan#seventeen lee chan#svt chan#seventeen chan#dino x reader#dino x you#dino x y/n#dino fluff#dino smut#dino imagines
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Sincerely, Bailey (Commission)
characters. Bailey. (Hinted Briar. And Harper is Bcc'd out of worry)
cw. implied drunken bailey. violence, both physical and sexual. angry emotional bailey. mentions of sex trafficking, Robin slander. dubious consent of treatment of pc.
notes. Letter Commission for PippyLI! Once again, SO sorry how long it took to get out, having to do IRL stuff for a year basically sucked. Hope you enjoyed angry emotional Bailey! Thank you! Sorry i was FIGHTING to get this into an email format but oh my god it wasn't working at all.
From: [email protected]
Subject: 50% off Paneling for your Home, 5 Star Reviews Draft
B, look over this draft before I send it.
Hello Customer!
We are having a big sale on our boys coming in and sprucing up your home! Spend over £250 on our service and we shall knock off £20 to a whole new paint job for a whole room! Then £10 off for every third room painted! Spend over £500 on our service and we shall install new radiators for half price!
Enough of that. If your wife reads further than that paragraph of what’s an obvious spam email, she’s too stupid to to be alive. Get rid of her and stop wasting my time.
This is more of a courtesy email about your inquiry into one of our selections, number 209. I’ve been the caretaker of numbers 191 to 220 for a long time, and I can personally attest that that product is not suited for what you’ve outlined you wish to do. I know on their file it recommends consumers should enjoy taming, sadism, bondage at most in order to get any use out of them. However, in my professional opinion, they should be taken off the list and left to the gropers and rapists wandering the town, and the customers at the brothel.
In my personal experience, they would have benefited to be put directly into the brothel or the farm right away. Give them hands-on experience immediately rather than wasting time making them make money by themselves. They started out very promising in the beginning, very malleable but have proven to be a nuisance to both myself and the people around them. Either that or be put permanently underneath my care to make sure minor annoyances are kept at a minimum.
They refuse to behave, even under threat of assault or worse. I do not think that anyone other than myself could handle them. Now, before I get a complaint from you, no, it’s not because I’m their caretaker and have paternal feelings towards them. I’ve watched them get their cunt stretched out by strange cocks too much to care about if they have a good time having sex. I would be helping the public by keeping them under lock and key.
So my counter offer will be to take their friend, #201 in return. A whiny crybaby who reacts well to sadism. Of course, you might have to deal with them trying to save the little shit, but we don’t cover fees to do with losing a product halfway through your paid time. Just a warning. For a price of 30% of your original payment I could keep them busy so there’s no chance of missing out on your full 12 hours of paid time.
I would be prepared to spend those 12 hours showing them exactly what happens when you don’t listen the first time. I’ve noticed that they become pliant to a rough fuck the longer it goes on, if they’re allowed to bite and get a few scratches in. No better than a mewling beast once all their thoughts go to their clit. They also seem fixated on riling me up enough to drag them down and fuck them. With other’s they bite and scratch and use pepper spray (I have no idea where they keep getting these, the supply in town is very limited), but despite the threats of shipping them off to the brothel or to a close friend, they instead fight. But no, they don’t fight me in a coherent, normal way, no, they’re diving for my cock and trying to make me cum while I’m trying to teach them to pay their rent on time.
They love it. They love angering me, they love going into my office, they love offering up their body for a “one time” extension, even though they keep doing it, no matter how many times I ruin them against my desk, their cunt gripping me so tightly. Maybe they have a fucked up crush, or maybe they’re just sick in the head.
But I can’t get rid of them, they bring in so much mney that I can’t kick them out. They bring in rent, they keep the other little shits quiet and they’re so fuckin good at their job that I have insane fuckheads like you asking personally to request them. But who cares, they clamp around a cock disgustingly tight, they suck down cock like it’ll divorce them if they don’t and now I have to write this breakdown on why you can’t experience that at 3am and getting hard while I do it. I never fuck orphans but apparently they live to make my day miserable and start off with a double of vodka with no fuckin mixer. All because some fuck came in after being kicked in the dick by this little shithead and wanted his fucking money back. I have to write fucking disclaimers now. What the fuck. 10 years ago we didn’t have to do this shit. What do you mean I have to spend 12 hours of my day fucking this Bin Baby so that they won’t wander away and save the most annoying boy I’ve ever met? What the fuck. The other day I had to fucking jerk off to when they buried their face in my crotch and whined for my dick. If it was anyone else, I’d kick them in the crotch until they would have to go to hospital.
I have no idea what fucking crack their mother was smoking before throwing them in the dumpster but now I’m stuck with a little asshole who loves my dick and won’t fucking behave. You want to fuck that? Try to and you won’t be fucking found. I will fucking wring that stupid addictive scent of their body, their cunt, out of your skin, and sell it to the nearest freak. You want Morgan wearing your fucking skin for touching them? I’ll take your teeth so no one will ever fucking find you, but who would care, your wife? The one who might read a spam email? And doesn’t care that your dick hasn’t worked except for when she shit out your crotch spawn? You think I won’t fuck you up for the sake of your kids who are older than my fucking orphan?
Fuck you and your ugly fucking kids.
Sincerely,
Blailey
P.S briar should i also add that if you stick your thumb in their asshole they tighten up enough that i can see stars? that the first time i fucked them i fucking said that their body always belonged to me? and it fuckin was and still is. i should break their stupid little boyfriend’s nose for thinking they own that little slut. the smell of their shower wash is fuckin insane but it isnt. makes me want to fuck their thighs and make them walk around all day smelling of cum. briar who even is this stupid fuck.
From: [email protected]
To: me
Bcc: [email protected]
Subject: RE: 50% off Paneling for your Home, 5 Star Reviews Draft
An insane person wrote this. No client will buy anything after reading this. Stop it.
-B
P.S. you misspelled money, as well as your own name. How. Are you smoking something that you aren’t sharing with the class? Also have you ever even heard of an oxford comma? Eden was the drop out, not you.
P.P.S. Don’t punch kids. Also stop drinking.
#dol#nsft#quincewrites#commission#letter commission#bailey the caretaker#degrees of lewdity#my god im so sosrry how long this took
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Peer reviewed
3k Hangster (one-shot). Mature (to explicit maybe?)
Secretly married Hangster in an academic environment. Outsider POV then Hangster back and forth with a 5+1 feel (“feel” because it’s a 9+1). This was inspired by one of the academics I manage/work with who came into my office and declared “I haven’t spoken to him in three years and I’m not about to start now!” and I just sat there and went… why are you so proud of being apparently incapable of being baseline professional with a colleague?
… … …
FIRST TIME
“Oh my god! Have you heard what’s happening down in the engineering staff offices?”
“They haven't set fire to the place again have they?”
“That was one time. But no, two of our new staff have arrived and it sounds like they’ve about to have a brawl in the corridor.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah! Want to go walk past under the premise of getting a coffee?”
“Definitely.”
Jane and Sarah stand and watch. Professor Bradshaw and Professor Seresin are standing almost nose-to-nose, nostrils flaring, eyes flashing in anger and any second one of them is just going to push the other, and the other is then going to be justified in taking a swing. Sarah can see it all playing out in her minds’ eye and she wonders exactly what has set them off. She wonders if this would be a new record for HR, for people to get fired before they even officially start. Because physical altercations are definitely a firable offense, she knows because it’s happened before.
And they’ve put so much work in finding these professors. They had met them both when they came for their interviews, about a week apart. She’d had to shmooze and try to sell the University and location just as much as the job. Their school might not have big student numbers, but their research is world class and both Seresin and Bradshaw bring a lot to the table in terms of research capabilities and student supervision and mentorship. Now if they could just get along with each other.
Then Professor Seresin says something under his breath, too quiet for anyone else to hear, but Professor Bradshaw goes bright red, shoves Professor Seresin and stalks off, so it can’t have been anything good.
Okay then.
Maybe they shouldn’t have placed the new guys in offices side-by-side thinking they might get on with one another.
… … …
“Do you feel better for a nap?”
“Fuck you… but yes. And I’m sorry I lost my temper. I was just tired and –”
“Hungry and stressed and jetlagged. Yeah babe, I know. Thanks for taking over…”
“You’re welcome. Although I think everyone assumes we hate each other.”
“Oh. That’s…”
“Well, we weren’t going to advertise the fact we’re married.”
“No. But… to have everyone think we hate each other?”
“What? It’ll just be like when we started dating… everyone getting sick of our shit and wanting to bang out heads together.”
“Jake… we were post-docs then. We’re professionals now.”
“Speak for yourself. I plan on pretending we’re holding a grudge about who got the better office.”
“Jake, you got the better office.”
“And you can hold a grudge better than anyone I know. So it works perfectly. Also you’re going to spend more time in the workshop or lab and I spend more time in the front of fucking screen running models so it makes sense that I get the nicer office…”
“You didn’t raise either of those points when we were fighting earlier…”
“Well, I knew telling you I wanted to fuck you on my brand new desk would shut you up.”
“You’re lucky I love you.”
---------------------------
SECOND TIME
It’s a networking event, mainly aimed at making industry partners aware of what research is currently being undertaken and what potential opportunities there are for collaboration. She’s done her best with the program, to ensure Bradley and Jake can avoid each other. Bradley presented first and Jake is almost last. They’re both on a first name basis with her now after the months of working together, she’s helped them both with different aspects of moving to another country however she notes that they still refer to each other by last names. They’re the only ones to still do that.
On top of that Bradley seems to be trying to maybe kill Jake with the power of his mind, staring at him with heated intensity like his mere presence is an affront to Bradley somehow. She’s noticed his temper gets worse when he’s tired or his blood sugar dips low and has taken to stocking a bowl of candy on her desk, which Bradley seems to take from every afternoon. Maybe she should go and ensure he’s eaten.
… … …
“You’re so good for me baby… way to make a boring work event far more interesting. Thinking about this inside of you all night while you walked around looking so good in your suit. Fuck…”
---------------------------
THIRD TIME
It’s meant to be a social activity, just a friendly game of badminton or table tennis. Except apparently Bradley and Jake are competitive at even the most benign of social interactions and are currently trying to kill each other using ping pong balls. Other staff are backing away with either fear or simple self-preservation, not wanting to be caught in the cross-fire of whatever this has turned into. The taunts they’re throwing back and forth are a little too barbed to be considered friendly, but not barbed enough to be nasty. Either way, no one seems to be having much fun.
… … …
“Pretty sure we’re not meant to be using the disabled bathroom for sex.”
“Not my fucking fault you’re so hot I can’t control myself.”
---------------------------
FORTH TIME
The annual school strategy meeting happens and they just need to keep Bradley and Jake on opposite sides of the room. Her and Jane have got this down to a fine art now, although the idea of trying to keep the two of them in the same room for an entire workday is stretching even their abilities. Fortunately the program leaders for both Jake and Bradley seem to be happy to assist in keeping them separated but also in expediating the material by arranging for half of it to be discussed at a later point. Considering some of the arguing that has already happened it’s a very good thing they don’t have to compete for funding internally.
… … …
“Okay, definitely a benefit of everyone thinking we can’t stand each other, making meetings shorter.”
“Don’t you feel a little bad that we’re deceiving them?”
“Did you not hear what I just said?”
---------------------------
FIFTH TIME
“Professor Bradshaw.”
“Seresin. What can I help you with?”
The lack of title is definitely deliberate and if there were guns involved the safety would be off, or the hammer would be getting cocked… Instead Jake is looking amused more than anything else, although there’s a slight hue of pink high on his cheeks which bely his potential anger at the disrespect. It’s not often they’re both in the administration office at the same time, and they’re both gritting their teeth and grimacing. She cannot believe that they’re apparently incapable of being more civil to one another.
“Just found your phone in the break room and thought I’d bring it up to the office. And here you are…”
“And here I am…”
Jake is indeed holding a phone out, pinched between his thumb and forefinger like he might catch something from it. Bradley reaches out a hand to take it and like it’s almost slow motion the phone tumbles from Jake’s fingers just as Bradley is about to take it and it hits the floor.
“Oops. Sorry. Butter fingers,” Jake says, but he’s smirking and even Sarah is annoyed on Bradley’s behalf. That was clearly deliberate. Bradley is bending to retrieve his phone, rolling his eyes and muttering thanks under his breath, which Sarah decides is far more polite than she’d be.
“Oh, my pleasure.”
… … …
Jake pushes Bradley up against his office door, locking it and grinning like an idiot as he presses kisses along the curve of Bradley’s jaw.
“God, you’re such an asshole.”
“Yeah, but I wanted to see you bend over in those jeans again. Damn Bradley…” Jake says, and he runs a hand over Bradley’s ass again, very appreciative of said ass.
“Workplace harassment.”
“You like being harassed by me at work.”
“Yeah, what do you think that says about my mental state?”
“That you love me?”
---------------------------
SIXTH TIME
“Professor Bradshaw won’t be in today. And probably not tomorrow.”
“Um,” Sarah blinks. “Is he…” Alive? She’s a little scared to ask.
“He’s got some type of stomach flu, puking and feverish. I said I’d take his classes for him.”
“That’s… nice of you.”
“Hmm. I always like it when people owe me favors.”
Huh. She smiles and nods and decides to send Bradley a message to check in and maybe suggest he doesn’t eat any food that Jake brings him. Just in case.
… … …
“You’re the best.”
“And you’re adorable.”
“I’m miserable.”
“And very adorable with it.”
“Did you know that Sarah thinks you’re poisoning me?”
“What? Since when?”
“She sent me a message saying to be careful about taking anything from you, just in case.”
Jake rolls his eyes and presses a quick kiss to Bradley’s forehead.
“If I catch this from you, then you can worry about me poisoning you. But not before then.”
“Love you too babe.”
---------------------------
SEVENTH TIME
“I’m really sorry Bradley, it’s just with how late notice it is we can’t find another room anywhere close by. I’ve asked that if another room is made available you’re moved to it immediately.”
“It’s fine. Really. I don’t mind sharing a room. I promise.”
“What’s wrong?” Jake asks, coming into the office, and he’s looking at Bradley with narrowed eyes and even when Bradley smiles at Jake all he gets in response is a frown and Bradley simply rolls his eyes, like he finds Jake’s action endearing somehow rather than grossly unprofessional.
“There weren’t any more rooms available, so I’ve had to place you in the same room. Separate beds though!”
“I’d rather share with someone I know than a complete stranger,” Bradley says.
“So I have to put up with him farting and snoring in my room?”
“Excuse you! Like I don’t have to put up with the same from you!”
“I’m really sorry Jake, it’s just –”
“It’s fine. Sorry. Didn’t mean to make you feel bad. It’s not within your control. Bradshaw and I can play nice for a few days I’m sure. Can’t we Bradshaw?”
“Well, we can certainly try.”
“That’s the spirit!”
“We can even share a ride to the airport, seeing as we live in the same apartment building.”
“Who knows, we might come back best friends.”
“I think people will just be impressed we both come back alive and don’t kill each other.”
They walk away in the same direction and Sarah bites a knuckle and looks across at Jane.
“You know, I think they’re starting to mature. That was almost a civil conversation. They only looked like they wanted to hit each other about half the time…”
… … …
“Yes, hi, we’re here to check in. A room for Jake Seresin and Bradley Bradshaw.”
“Oh! We’ve actually had a cancellation. There’s another room available. Your assistant was very adamant that if there was a cancellation we moved you to separate rooms.”
“It’s fine. We’d prefer to share.”
---------------------------
EIGHTH TIME
“Hi. Can you tell me where to find Professor Seresin’s office?”
“Aren’t you one of Professor Bradshaw’s students?”
“Yeah, but he said I’d be best to talk to Professor Seresin, because he knows more.”
“Really? Hmm. Well, their offices are side by side, so if you’d been looking at the name plates on the doors you would have noticed you had to walk past Professor Seresin’s office to get here.”
“Oh. Okay then. Thank you.”
Sarah turns to Jane, eyes wide and disbelieving look on her face.
“Do you think they’re thawing toward one another?”
“Who knows? Maybe that conference they both went to forced them to get on?
Later, when they’re walking back to the office from their lunch break Jake and Bradley are arguing in the corridor and Sarah lets out a sigh and shrugs. Things had been looking so promising.
… … …
“No Bradley, I stand by what I told the student. I do have a better understanding of the measurement and applications for sensors. I build the fucking circuits and run models out my ears before I even reach the build stage.”
“Yeah, I know you do, but it’s a final year capstone project. Not a Masters or PhD. You’re overthinking it and making it far bigger than it needs to be. You overwhelmed him with your enthusiasm. I wasn’t telling you no, I was just needing you to dial it down.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. I know. Lucky I love you.”
---------------------------
NINTH TIME
“Oh, they definitely looked like they’d been pushing each other around.”
“Seriously? At least they’re smart enough to never do it where there are witnesses. Otherwise it would be an HR nightmare. Do you think there’s maybe something more there though?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well… I got the receipt for the hotel where they stayed, and they ended up staying in the same room. By choice. I know there was an extra room because I phoned up the morning they were meant to be checking in, and there had been a cancellation. But they decided not to use it.”
“Okay. That is odd.”
“Plus there was one time I got mail for Jake Seresin-Bradshaw. Do you think they’ve gone and joined forces for some type of research?”
“More likely gone halves on a subscription of some type. Those things are like, ridiculously expensive. Their research kind of overlaps right? It’s why they knew each other… didn’t they do their undergraduate degrees at the same University?”
… … …
“A love bite Bradley? Really?”
“Yep. Now you match about half your first-year students.”
“You’re such an asshole.”
“Mmm. I do work very hard at it.”
---------------------------
TENTH TIME
“Jake. Fantastic presentation. Just wondering if I could maybe interest you in a drink?”
Sarah doesn’t give the person asking much of a chance. Jake is always so very calm and aloof at these types of events, perfectly pleasant and professional for the most part. Except when it comes to Bradley, although it’s been a couple of years now and their banter back-and-forth could almost be classified as friendly.
“A drink to talk about a potential professional partnership?” Jake asks, smile bland and not reaching his eyes.
“Well, no,” their voice drops lower. “More a potential personal relationship…?”
“I think my husband might have something to say about that, and also I'm not at all interested.”
What the actual fuck Sarah thinks to herself. Since when has Jake been married? And to declare it quite loudly in a room full means there’s no back tracking.
“Oh. Sorry. I didn’t realize you were… unavailable. You’ve never mentioned a husband before.”
“No, I haven’t. But we have been married for coming up to five years.”
Five years!!! Sarah thinks to herself.
“You called?” Bradley asks, voice dry and Sarah cannot fucking believe it.
“Hi. Yes. I did. Ready to go home?”
“Ready when you are.”
Sarah needs to reassess every time she remembers them interacting, because they’re still looking at each other, but now that she knows they’re married it puts a whole different lens on why that level of intensity might be there in the gaze they’re sharing.
Oh.
They’ve been eye-fucking each other.
During meetings, events, social get togethers… when they’ve been pushing each other around.
Oh.
Right.
Good for them.
… … …
“What made you decide to declare our matrimonial state tonight?” Bradley asks, and it’s a struggle to talk, Jake’s mouth on his neck sucking, biting and kissing. His fingers have already undone the buttons of Bradley’s shirt and pushed it off, now working on his belt.
“Novelty had worn off. I want the novelty of being able to hold your hand, or kiss you if I want to or…”
“Or simply say we’re married?”
“Yeah. That too.”
THE END
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ash's september 2024 reading round up
find all the books and fics i read (or didn't read...) this month under the cut with a link to the synopsis and my reviews/ratings attached :)
this is just for fun! i'm not a professional, i just like to read <3
booklist:
Summer Reading by Jenn McKinlay(18+!)
• review: this was a solid read. nothing incredible, but definitely better than some of the other crap i've read this year lol. i enjoyed the dynamic between the fmc - a dyslexic chef named sam - and the mmc - a librarian named ben - and the interesting relationship between someone who hates to read and someone who's life revolves around books. honestly i was really interested to see how this played out between the two of them, but like one week into them fooling around he begins to read a book aloud to her and the conflict is magically solved. sam just loves audiobooks now and i wish the author had done more with that. both sam and ben have goals they're striving to reach and i love that ben is able to see his through to the end, but the reader is kind of left wondering about sam's and i would have loved for that threat to have been tied up, but overall this was a cute read. my only real issue with this story was the quality of writing. there were some parts that were super cringe and were clearly written by a millennial emulating the 'how do you do fellow kids' meme that i could've gone without... anyway. i really enjoyed the relationship exploration between sam and her budding teenager brother. after not being in each others lives for a bit, i thought their bonding over the summer was adorable :) would've loved to read a book just about them tbh. neither of the main characters were the kinds of characters to write home about, but overall i did enjoy the progression of their relationship. just kind of a middle-ground novel.
• rating: 3/5 seasons of the bear that taught me all i know about cooking
fic list:
assorted works of @ceruleanmusings <3
look around your world, pretty baby
Blood Diamond; Year Four
i could always write literal essays on your work i swear to god but these two works this month really got to me as per usual. the first mickames one shot for james canon bday was so freaking adorable. i had literal butterflies in my stomach like i was there on the date with them... despite the urgency of the time crunch, which you did exellent in making it seem like it was somehow slow and fast at the same time, god i read this like three times over. mickey and james are just my favorite ;-;!! and blood diamond always hitting in the feels of course... this one in particular really got to me though. the combination of brooke's annoyance with james the last few chapters really came to a head here at the hair salon. he's just a kiddo!! let him play in peace!! and then her figuring out a way to potentially exploit his singing talent... i'll wring her neck i swear. as always tysm for sharing and tagging me in your works 😭 i could read them forever and ever and ever <3
2. assorted works of @partiallypearl/ @praetoravila <3
it's nowhere close to closing time
all over again
be my weekend lover (but don't be my friend)
can i have this dance?
lolive kissssss
you got me paralyzed
you know all my deep dish
this is such a STACKED LINE UP AUGH!! from the beginning with it's nowhere close to closing time... kogan... save me.... i love the first chapter introduction to both the characters and the setting. it's been so exciting theorizing how the story will play out from here and i can't wait to read more!! and of course... all over again with olive my beloved... i just can't get enough of logan and olive and their fucked up little relationship. jo's party chapter literally had me shitting my pants ngl and you already know im thinking of lolive on a daily basis. they're my roman empire i stg... the other three lolive on shots had me by the neck too - from the conversation with kendall 👀 to the quinceañera chapter to their KISS augh im too obsessed for my own good... and saylors introduction one shot!!! ahh!!!! you always have such interesting and well-rounded ocs i'm so jealous!!! i can't wait to learn more about saylor and their relationship with both kendall and lucy :)) macie's story too... she and katie are so adorable. i love the dynamic you've set up between the two of them as they both navigate hollywood!! obsessed as always. im up in your dms literally every single day gushing and i wouldn't have it any other way!!!!!!! <3
3. assorted works of @selangkir <3
mrs. knight one shot
girl time rush (anniversary reread🙏)
iconic work as ALWAYS!!!!!! i truly think your character interptetations of btr/side characters/ocs are so unique and bring such a fresh perspective to the story! the mrs. knight one shot, on top of being hilarious, began to expand on her pretty one dimensional characterization in such a short story and it blew me away. unmatched creativity!! lord knows she needed the j anyway if im being COMPLETELY honest. and i cannot believe gtr turned one year old this month what the fuck!! what the actual fuck!! i swear i've read all three chapters about a bazillion times. ty for being so accepting of roxy and using her as a vessel to tell your story too <3 i'd be lying if i said i wasn't so inspired by sabrina carpenter rn i already have another chapter draft of my own cooking in the google docs..... <33
4. assorted works of @inkameswetrust <3
the windowsill pt. 4
the windowsill pt. 5
oh LORD such incredible updates to this sweet story. these chapters always pack such a punch! i expect nothing less from kames fan #1... im obsessed with the continued relationship between katie and kendall in pt 4. btrtv lacks so heavy on their sibling-ness so i always love seeing it expanded on in fic! and JAMES AND KENDALL GOING OFFICIAL AOAJFOBOBGA i had knots in my stomach! you've also so clearly set up stakes and kendall's future fears it's so genuine and just real it hits so hard. pt 5 with brooke had me almost throwing my phone at the wall if im being honest. the way she spoke to kendall was bonechilling and i'm nervous yet excited for their future together <3 never stop kamesing the world needs it so so sos sooo bad !!!
5. assorted works of @naquey / @ithinkyouhealedmyheart
ghostwriter chapter 1
ghostwriter chapter 2
hi <3 welcome to the reading round up! i love your story sm i'm so grateful to be here for the very beginning of kenonnie and their sweet relationship. ronnie is such a cool character! there is so much depth and dimension to them and i love that every single chapter we learn something new about her!! from her relationship with addy and callie (who i also ADORE and can't wait to learn more about) to his struggles with his father's health... god... the amount of thought you put in is clear and i'm just astounded! the second chapter was also super cool too; i love how you took existing characters and tweaked their relationship so we could learn more about how you view the two of them. i'd never thought to write something with just kelly and rebecca - it's so inventive, just like the (spoliers lol) other chapters you've published since <3 tysm for sharing your writing with us, i'm so excited to see ronnie's journey progress!!!
#weak ass month who am i#two books behind on my reading challenge :'(#ash talks books#summer reading#jenn mckinlay#ceruleanmusings#partiallypearl#praetoravila#selangkir#inkameswetrust#naquey#ithinkyouhealedmyheart#sorry if i missed anything im doing my best to tag every post i rb with fic
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Hi, I hope you’re having a nice day! Can I please ask a scenario for Somker? Basically he’s in love with the rear admiral reader; at the end of a fight against pirates the reader is scared because he can’t find Smoker and when he finally found him the reader confess his love involuntary.
Have a good day/night and take all the time you need!
°•*⁀➷ POST BATTLE CONFESSIONS: SMOKER
꒰ SYNOPSIS ꒱ : "You and Smoker are completely in love with each other, the problem is that neither of you can confess it. It took some heartbreak, stupid pirates, ridiculous powers, and a lot of drama to make you two open your eyes to love. But hey, what matters is that it worked!”
꒰ WARNINGS ꒱ : GENDER NEUTRAL READER, GENDER PRONOUNS, NO GENDER SPECIFIED, Smoker is a bit toxic and childish but he apologizes, extremely dramatic, poorly written fights because I'm bad at it, weak ending because my brain was already melted, reader conquered the entire naval base, no specific time, it could be before or after the time skip. Too much drama and not enough fluff.
꒰ WC ꒱ : 7k
꒰ NOTES ꒱ : So I should have turned this in literally months ago, but my ass couldn't do it. So as an apology I made a huge story, I really took my time on it because it was crazy to correct and translate such a big story. It wasn't very good and I apologize for that, sorry for taking so long and enjoy!
﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋
Smoker was an extremely professional Marine. He woke up at the same time every day, went to work on time, did all his daily chores and paperwork, remembered to check in on all his subordinates, and meticulously reviewed all of his upcoming missions on the high seas. Of course, sometimes he was also not extremely professional... when he told his superiors to go fuck themselves and did exactly everything contrary to the orders he received, but well, he can say he was extremely professional in 90% of his time working.
That is, until you were placed under his supervision and order, oh yes... that made Smoker look in the mirror and question everything about his professionalism that he loved to be proud of. You... wow, how could he even begin to describe you without sounding like a man completely in love? Something he was definitely not...
You were determined, that justified you rising through the ranks so quickly, you were also very confident of your skill and capabilities. You never took shit from anyone, it could be the fleet admiral himself, if you thought he was wrong you would raise your voice and defend your point. You were also very kind to your subordinates and marines in general, which was surprising since you managed to be extremely serious and authoritarian, as well as very demanding when carrying out your missions.
You also knew the right time for everything, the time to be professional, the time to be a relaxed boss and even the time to be a shoulder to lean on if someone needed it. You put a lot of effort into your work and that's why many Marines were excited to work with you, knowing your incredible ability and determination to always complete missions in the best way possible.
This is just about your personality... if he were to talk about your appearance? Ah... where would he start? Every time your hair shone in the sun he thought it was unfair for someone to be so adored by the gods to be born so beautiful, every time your eyes shone with excitement at a new mission or at the end of a successful one he knew that his heart hit harder. Every time he saw your bright smile and heard your warm and genuine laugh, it made his legs go weak and he was forced to take a deep breath to concentrate. Every time he saw a bit of your skin outside your uniform, marked by the scars from your journey that you displayed with pride when necessary, he wanted to touch you and know if his skin was as soft as it looked.
You were something that made Smoker feel things he never felt before. At first he was reluctant to have a subordinate with a high position, usually newbies who rose so high were petty about their position and thought they would surpass their superiors easily, which was basically dealing with a child. But you were different, you were obedient and professional, you were mainly determined to learn everything you could from Smoker, always making it clear that you admired his reputation and experience as a Marine and Vice Admiral.
It didn't take long for you to win over Smoker, whether it was just when you listened to him carefully when planning the missions and always had something important and valuable to add, or it was just when you organized the paperwork when it was time to hand it over to him, making his job easier... or maybe whether it was when you showed a little more special interest in him, bringing him coffee in the morning or even at night when you knew he wouldn't be leaving anytime soon. It could also be the times you invited him to lunch, even when at first he politely declined you never lost your smile and always said "next time then!".
Unfortunately for the vice admiral, he wasn't the only one won over by his charm. All the Marines working under Smoker were more than in love and determined to show it in some way, he had already lost count of how many bouquets, letters and chocolates he had confiscated from his subordinates that were all addressed to you. Just maintaining professionalism was his excuse, what a shame it would be for a Marine to date his boss, it was Smoker's duty to make sure no harmful rules or situations were created. Of course he wasn't stopping the gifts from reaching you out of pure jealousy and fear that you would fall in love with a man other than him.
Every day he repeated that he was going to make a move on you, breaking his own morals about dating some subordinate, but every day when you greeted him smiling and made his stomach turn, he immediately changed his mind, filling himself with shyness and fear of rejection, so he would treat you with some harshness and pretend that he didn't feel anything too much for you. Maybe he wasn't doing such a good job since Tashigi had noticed his passion... and well, if Tashigi's slowness hadn't prevented her from noticing Smoker's fall, it meant that he wasn't hiding it as well as he thought.
The truth was Smoker didn't feel confident with you, you were so... amazing. He was very... rude, often called scary by his subordinates because of his extremely demanding work, it was impossible for you to accept a relationship with him. Besides, he didn't even know how to do boyfriend things! He had gone on a few casual dates but a long term relationship was different... What if he wasn't a good boyfriend and you left?! It was one thing to have his rejection but still be able to have his presence or friendship, it was another thing to break your heart and make you so angry with him that you never looked him in the face again.
That's why he let his insecurities win and stop him from making a move on you. He tried to convince himself that maintaining a professional relationship would be the best choice for both of them... but he wasn't sure how long he could put up with this lame excuse. This of course didn't stop him from changing little by little with you, this was something that everyone noticed and even Smoker didn't escape hearing some rumors from his subordinates about how he was kinder to the Rear Admiral (Y/N).
Gradually his responses were less rude, he also began to seek out your opinions more during missions, showing how much he trusted your abilities. He gradually accepted having lunch with you or even patrolling together when you were in a city. He also relaxed a lot more in your presence and didn't mind when you invaded his office, even if you just wanted to check on him and talk a little instead must have a professional reason for the visit.
And this ended up making Smoker develop an addiction, if he spent more than two hours without knowing anything about you he would instinctively look for news. He would casually ask others about you, he would also look for you on the ship or base they were at, pretending he was just going on patrol to make sure everything was okay and not that he was eager to hear your beautiful voice and feel a little of your heat. He didn't even realize that little by little he couldn't stay away from you for long...
On one of those days where he was looking for you, he found a scene that made his heart stop for a few seconds. There you were in all your glory, your uniform always clean and organized, some papers in your hand and accompanied by a low-ranking Marine. The problem in the scene was the huge bouquet of roses in the marine's hand and a red box of sweets with a huge red bow. Smoker quickly hid with his powers and listened carefully to the conversation, would now be the time he would be sure he would never have a chance with you?
"I'm sorry, I can't accept your confession... much less reciprocate your feelings" You said in a gentle way, even in a situation that could be uncomfortable you were always worried about not hurting other people unnecessarily.
"But why not?!" The Marine didn't seem willing to give up and Smoker wondered if he should intervene just in case the situation became even more uncomfortable for you.
"I'm sorry, I'm already in love with someone else" That was enough to make the marine step back and apologize for the inconvenience... but it also made Smoker retreat from his mission to look for you and return to his office, he had a bitter taste in your mouth and your stomach felt sick.
Smoker changed after that. You didn't need to be very smart to notice this, Tashigi was worried by the way he was acting, working late at night and staying more and more in his office instead of checking if everything was going well. His own subordinates noticed, they tried hard to do everything perfectly trying to somehow improve their commander's mood... hell even Hina noticed it during a call! She had even provoked him by asking if he had been dumped and that was why he was in a bad mood.
But out of all the people who worked with Smoker, you were the one who was most affected by the change. You continued to act normally with him, inviting him to lunch, bringing him coffee, trying to have some conversations during the day... but different from the shy and slightly nervous reception he used to give you because he wasn't sure how to react to your warm and friendly way, all you got was a cold shoulder and ruder responses than when you arrived to work with him. It was almost as if he was angry or simply hated you, he simply treated you as if you couldn't stand his presence. Little by little you started having a sad look every time he appeared, you became nervous and silent as if you were afraid to speak around him, it didn't take long for you to slowly move away, confused and hurt by his recent actions.
Of course, he only found out about this again when he secretly overheard another conversation of yours. You and Tashigi weren't supposed to be in the cafeteria so late at night, but there you were, talking and drinking some hot drinks to combat the cold of the night.
"I just... don't understand him" You sighed tiredly, your shoulders were slumped and you had a sad tone, very different from your excited and happy tone that you loved to use with everyone.
"Captain Smoker can be quite... huh... distant" Tashigi sighed too, she didn't know exactly how to comfort you... it didn't even make sense to her! Smoker had softened considerably since your arrival, everyone had noticed that he was starting to like you more than he should, so why was he suddenly acting like he despised you?
"Maybe I did something wrong..." You said again, demonstrating your fragility much more now, Smoker had never thought that you cared so much about his approval. You were so sure of yourself and didn't even mind getting into trouble with your superiors just to stand up for what you believed in, so why did his opinion and approval matter so much?
He didn't want to stay to hear the rest of the conversation, he already felt terrible enough and he wasn't sure if he could control himself if he heard you talking again about how he had hurt you. Stupid, stupid, stupid! It was all his head could say, you had treated him with so much kindness and because of jealousy and envy that he didn't even have the right to feel, he made you feel inferior and even hurt by his treatment. What was he thinking?!
It wasn't like he could force you to fall in love with him too, you deserve to be happy regardless of who you like, so why did he act like he owned you?! Being hurt and jealous was acceptable, after all, a romantic rejection can be difficult, but taking out his frustration and feelings on you as if it were your fault was unforgivable! For one thing it was extremely unprofessional and secondly it was being so immature and petty that he felt ashamed of himself when he finally realized his actions!
Of course he would apologize to you, he barely slept thinking about how he would show that he was truly sorry for having treated you so unfairly. The next morning as he walked to the base all he could think of was the best way to make it up to you, maybe flowers? Maybe some gifts? A date? Shouldn't it be something more sincere... a letter?! His head was full and he already felt a headache from thinking so much.
That's when he heard a scream, it didn't take him long to find the source, a civilian was running limping away from something in a hurry. He was quick to help him stabilize trying to figure out what was going on.
"What happened?! Are you okay?" He asked as calmly as he could muster, which wasn't much, it was too early for an attack but criminals didn't have that kind of basic sense.
"Pirates... they... stealing..." The way he spoke was slurred and a little nonsensical, it was as if he was tired or out of breath, before Smoker could question any further the civilian blacked out. His first reaction was to check his pulse, it was beating and he thought the guy had fainted from fear or shock, until the civilian in his arms started... snoring?
It took him a few seconds but he soon noticed something strange: the civilian was sleeping?! Who could sleep right after being attacked by pirates?! No... this didn't seem normal, there was something strange about it and it seemed more dangerous than normal. He quickly grabbed his den den mushi and called for reinforcements, warning his subordinates to take extra care as they could be dealing with some type of poison or anesthetic, but he also made clear the possibility of a Devil Fruit user and asked everyone to stay safe and pay double attention when checking the perimeter.
Following the next scenes with caution left Smoker confused and with his guard up as he realized that what he was going to face was something… strange. There was a trail that led through the city full of sleeping civilians, some civilians tried to wake up their friends and family without success, it was as if everyone was in a deep trance unable to come out of dreamland. Luckily that was all that seemed to have happened to them, besides of course the open bags and lack of accessories such as jewelry — which only proved that all the sleeping people had been robbed — all the civilians were uninjured and even had happy faces as if that was the best sleep of their entire lives... which seems very likely to be true.
Smoker continued walking until he reached an emptier area of the city, it was where most of the buildings were still under construction, which meant that there weren't many people walking around outside of construction work hours. There was a small group of pirates rummaging through bags and evaluating belongings, none of them really seemed like a threat but what worried the Vice Admiral was how they had made so many people fall asleep when they seemed to be so…stupid.
There was no need to get too close for his presence to be known, he quickly prepared his jitte ready to quickly arrest all these criminals and figure out a way to wake up the civilians and then return to his ordinary work day. The weaker pirates quickly trembled in fear as they fought among themselves whether to flee or try to fight knowing well the vice admiral's fame and power. Until one of them, who could have been the first mate, took the lead with a confident smile while speaking loudly to motivate all his companions and subordinates.
“Don’t be scared, you cowards! Have you forgotten who we have here? Who is our captain? As long as we have Captain Sleepyhead no one will be able to defeat us!” Upon finishing his short speech, all the other pirates quickly cheered loudly as their fear was replaced by newfound confidence and clear false faith.
“Sleepyhead? So this is the jerk who made those civilians fall asleep? I can't say I'm disappointed since I really didn't expect much…” he said with an irritated huff, pirates always think they are great until they are defeated and realize that they still have a lot to learn.
“Hah… we’re pretty confident, aren’t we, Vice Admiral Smoker?” A man with a long purple coat came out from among the other pirates, he wore a hat full of feathers, brown gloves, pants with a questionable pattern and had so much jewelry that he looked like a child wearing all of his mother's accessories at the same time.
"Considering that you know me and have this ridiculous outfit you must be that Captain Sleepyhead..." Smoker mentally searched about this pirate but couldn't really remember, which could mean he didn't have many accomplishments or had just started this life criminal, but it was still not enough reason to let down our guard and underestimate him, after all there was still a secret ability in this pirate that could give him a great advantage in the fight.
“It offends me a little that you don't know me... but when the newspapers announce that I defeated the famous Vice Admiral Smoker I'm sure the entire Grand Line will recognize me!” He said self-centeredly as he laughed, being cheered by all the idiotic pirates following him.
“In your dreams... the most you'll get today is a beating and a one-way ticket to prison” Smoker never stopped being irritated by this blind confidence of the pirates, especially when they didn't know exactly how strong they were. Boasting about being able to defeat an enemy without really being sure that your strength is capable of defeating him is purely stupid... luckily it was this stupidity that made it easier for Smoker to find an opening and defeat them without too many problems.
This seemed to be enough to anger or embarrass the said captain, as his face contorted in anger as he quickly got into an attack position, the other pirates were armed and prepared but did not seem to have any intention of interfering in their captain's fight. Partly it was an advantage not having to deal with so many at once, but it didn't mean Smoker could take his eyes off them, as it wouldn't be the first time he was attacked by a pirate who pretended not to invade the fight just to give a sneak attack trying to get an advantage, so all attention at that moment would be essential.
The captain wasn't that fast, so Smoker had enough time to grab his weapon and block the first attack, the man was using a dagger that was probably hidden in his coat considering how quickly he was able to draw it. As it was not a long-range weapon and was also very accurate, he seemed to be looking for some unprotected opening or vital point to be able to injure the vice admiral, but unfortunately, thanks to Smoker's devil fruit, he was not able to even scratch his marine outfit. Of course, this fact only seemed to irritate the captain more and more.
“Hah… a Logia isn’t it? I'm not very good at memorizing facts about my enemies, I guess it was my fault for trying to attack you without knowing that beforehand…” the captain said laughing and shrugging his shoulders as he took a considerable distance from Smoker.
“Admitting that you’re stupid in the middle of a fight isn’t exactly a pretty move…” the vice admiral wasn’t exactly the type to provoke pirates… but his mood wasn’t the best because of the mess he made with (y/n), so he urgently needed someone to take out all his frustration on. Who better than a stupid pirate who he would throw in jail and forget existed a few weeks later?
“You always think too much of yourself, don’t you?” The pirate now had a look of pure anger, it seemed he was a man who was easily provoked, considering that just a few acidic comments from Smoker were enough to make him like that. “Unfortunately for you, you're not the only one with cool tricks, you asked me how I managed to knock out all those civilians, right? Maybe I should show you then!”
The captain removed his two brown gloves and his coat, Smoker would have paid a little more attention to the man's appearance if he hadn't come running towards him again. He seemed a little faster than the first time, which made the marine aware that he might not be using all his strength in the first attack, but this time the fight was much stranger than he could have expected.
Of course, Smoker has fought against pirates who used swords, daggers, arrows, guns or even just punches... But none of them had attacked him as if they were playing tag and the pirate was the tagger. It was a little bizarre and the Marine wasn't sure how he was going to write the scene he was experiencing, but he knew he wouldn't forget it so easily.
The captain had both palms open and was trying to touch Smoker, he didn't punch or try to scratch, he just tried to touch him exactly like a childish game. At first he thought it might be some trick, but now it was just getting embarrassing, the pirate said he had a devil fruit, so shouldn't he be doing something a little more incredible and unrealistic like… well, Smoker didn't know, but something bizarre like shooting bullets through the palm of your hand, anything that seemed like a real threat.
“I think I'm tired of playing with you” the marine said after a few minutes of this game where he just blocked and attacked a few times, being met by the man's attempts to touch him and his dodging of all the blows. With enviable strength and precision, Smoker quickly used his weapon to hit the side of the man's stomach, planning to stun him and throw him to the ground to facilitate his immobilization. The blow landed accurately, but something that the marine ended up overlooking because he thought the pirate posed no immediate danger was that he let the man touch him, which seemed exactly what he wanted.
The pirate captain was forcefully thrown aside as he fell to the ground and was dragged through the stone streets, his crew shouted worriedly for him and some men went to check on him while the others continued shouting insults at Smoker. Although he had received a very strong and well-aimed blow, all the pirate did was sit down wiping his face clean of the dirt while having an evil and smug smile on his face, his face said something like “I got you”.
“Hah… for a vice admiral you managed to leave a good opening for me… enough of an opening to put you exactly where I needed you! Feel my attack now and succumb to my power!” He said laughing as his men helped him to his feet.
Smoker was about to question what the man was suggesting, which in the Marine's head seemed like more talk from a drunk or even a drug user, but before he could open his mouth he felt it. First it was a stitch in her chest that took her breath away, then a pain in her head that quickly made her feel heavy, her limbs trembled and became heavy... tired. Smoker's entire body was extremely tired, it was as if he had been awake for days without a break, his eyes burned and it hurt to stay open, he had to lean on his weapon so he wouldn't fall to the ground due to sudden weakness.
“Huh, what does it look like now? It seems that now you will finally be able to understand the awesomeness of my power! Succumb to the power of my powerful sleep-sleep no mi! The sleep fruit that allows me to be able to put anyone I touch to sleep!” The captain delivered his entire speech extravagantly and confidently while his crew applauded and cheered for him. All Smoker could focus on at that moment besides the enormous drowsiness was how stupidly annoying that pirate's voice was.
“Wow, if you hadn't explained it detail by detail I would never have discovered…” Smoker closed his eyes tightly and forced them open immediately, he swallowed a yawn and used the support of his weapon so he could stand up again. He was still extremely drowsy but he couldn't afford to let this pirate escape without being sure that his subordinates would be able to capture him, plus it was his mistake for being hit without considering the consequences, so now he wouldn't let a little sleep stop him from finishing his work.
“Ew!” The captain's eyes widened when he saw Smoker getting up and practically ready to continue the battle, he also noticed that the vice admiral seemed much more irritated at being hit and this made the pirate shake from top to bottom. “How are you still awake?!” He screamed in shock in confusion “You… You should have fallen asleep immediately with my touch combined with my power!” Thanks to the marine's confused and tired head, Smoker wasn't sure if the man was scared, angry, frustrated or shocked... Not that it would make much of a difference.
"I guess you're not that powerful..." Smoker smiled and this time he wasn't going to stand still to be attacked again, using his devil fruit he quickly turned into smoke as he ran towards the pirate and attacked him again, launching him towards on top of his crew, all falling like bowling pins.
The vice admiral prepared to advance for another attack, but a wave of drowsiness hit him again and his knees weakened, his breathing became labored as he struggled to stay awake. Luckily he managed to hear in the distance the countless footsteps of what must have been one of the squadrons of marines that he called in as reinforcements, it didn't take long for them to begin to advance on the other weaker pirates and some came to their commander's aid.
“Smoker-sama! Are you okay?!" One of the Marines came over and helped him to his feet, although he still had a firm grip on his weapon, not trusting that the poor Marine would support his full weight.
Smoker opened his mouth to explain the situation as best as his tired and heavy head would allow, but upon hearing the screams and sounds of bodies falling to the ground his gaze quickly turned in search of the confusion. That's when he saw some marines lying on the ground, the same marines who had run after the captain using a devil fruit. Considering what the Vice Admiral had already seen, he could assume that the men on the ground were now in a deep asleep state. At least they weren't hurt but that still didn't make the situation better, since even just sleeping there were fewer men to fight the pirates.
"Shit! Don't approach the captain! He has a devil fruit that can put others to sleep!” Smoker screamed loudly and let go of the Marine who was helping him, there was no way around it, he needed to be himself to defeat this captain and guarantee the safety of his men. Low-ranking Marines wouldn't be able to handle a devil fruit, sometimes even high-ranking ones couldn't handle it! So it was his job to sort it out with the captain and leave the other pirates to his men.
“Commander Smoker!” The Marine shouted in concern seeing how unstable the white-haired man's form was, it was obvious that the Admiral himself would be the next man to fall to the ground overcome with sleep “Please don't get involved in the fight anymore! Rear Admiral (Y/N) is already on their way! They squad were taking care of the civilians, but they must have been coming here due to the confusion!” The man tried to convince him, but all of Smoker's subordinates knew how stubborn he could be, at least now the commander was a little more relaxed as he was sure that someone stronger was coming as backup in case something went wrong.
Ignoring the marine's words, he took one last hard breath trying to get his head to shake off the sleep and then charged at the pirate captain again. He only needs to knock him out or immobilize him long enough for his subordinates to use handcuffs or sea stone nets, making it impossible for the pirate to use his powers and making him basically harmless against larger numbers.
The captain was once again startled by Smoker's attack, but he now seemed a little more confident than before and didn't take long to block the attack with his own weapon. The marine managed to land a few good blows but nothing seemed to knock the pirate down who kept trying to touch him even though he was already hurt from so many blows, the two separated quickly and the commander heard more people approaching again, he just needed to hold out a little longer and there would be enough reinforcements to finish this mess.
Determined to try to finish this as quickly as possible, knowing that his body was already giving up cooperating with him, Smoker advanced ready for one last attack... He just didn't expect the captain to grab his weapon, smiling confidently and leaving the marine confused.
“That hurt like hell…” the man laughed weakly and Smoker could see the blood dripping from him holding the direct attack with his bare hands, what was going through his head? "But it doesn't matter, it will be worth it when you find out that I don't need to touch a person to put them to sleep... I can easily induce someone with my power if I can just touch an object that my prey is also touching.” ” he smiled mischievously and the marine's gaze dropped to his weapon, a small purple aura was surrounding it and attached to his arm. “I said you would succumb to my power Vice Admiral, I will put you to sleep for more years than Sleeping Beauty herself slept!” The pirate said with a malicious and victorious laugh, finally taking pride in having won against a vice admiral.
Smoker didn't have much time to react, he soon felt his knees hitting the floor as his entire body became heavier than an anvil, his entire body was numb and tired. Little by little his heart beat slower, his breathing became calm and his eyes slowly closed, he didn't even feel pain when he fell face down on the stone floor of the street where they were fighting. The last thing he thought he heard was someone calling his name in a worried manner, but he couldn't see or identify who the voice belonged to.
When Smoker's senses finally returned, everything still seemed very strange. His head was hurting and his body was heavy and sore as if he hadn't moved in days, he also felt a little confused and nauseous and it was as if he had gone to bed sick and woke up even worse. He had to try a few times before his eyes finally opened, when he did the light was a little uncomfortable but the room wasn't extremely bright.
His throat was dry and it took him a few seconds to finally wake up completely to better analyze where he was. The room had white and blue walls, the window was large and gave a view of a huge garden or park, the curtain was light blue and prevented the sun from completely taking over the place. The door was closed and there was just some furniture, a chest of drawers in front of the bed, two armchairs next to it and nothing else, apart from the obvious medical equipment next to him, nothing else was needed to confirm that he was in the hospital.
He had some wires connected, an IV, and what looked like things to measure his heart rate, but he didn't seem to have any bandages under his hospital clothes so he could assume he wasn't in a serious condition. He leaned back against the pillows and sighed as he thought about what he was going to do now that he woke up, his head was sore and he didn't fully remember what had happened.
He decided to lift his arm to try to get out of bed, but a huge weight prevented him from doing so, when he looked to the side he noticed something that had been there the whole time and he hadn't noticed: you. None other than Rear Admiral (Y/n), was sleeping in an armchair next to his bed and hugged Smoker's arm as if you were afraid he would leave while you couldn't notice and stop him.
Smoker's face became extremely hot and he was sure it was redder than a pepper... Why were you there? And still so close... Smoker had never touched you beyond a few pats on the shoulder and professional and stupid things, but there you were, not only hugging his arm but practically sleeping on top of him.
You seemed very peaceful, but when he looked closer he could see that you actually looked tired. Your face was a little thinner and paler, in addition to the dark bags under his eyes, which only showed that you had slept terribly in the last few days, but why all this? What had happened to cause you so much concern? Was it possible that it was… Him?
Smoker always heard that when you were in love with someone, all it took was one look for your heart to beat fast enough to jump out of your chest... But now he was confused, his heart was so calm and warm that it was almost as if he was dying. You were so beautiful, you were always beautiful and incredible when you were working or giving orders, but there was something there in that very domestic scene that seemed to make you a thousand times more beautiful...
He didn't even notice when he moved his free hand to put it in your hair and it was as soft as he always imagined it would be, slowly he began to caress the strands, making a nervous and shy stroke. What was that? One of Smoker's most embarrassing dreams? Being close to you, so intimately and doing such domestic and simple things like just stroking each other's hair or just sleeping side by side... It made his heart rejoice and his cheeks feel warm, yes... It was really obvious that he was completely in love with you.
Little by little your face started to contort, first you had a simple smile and maybe you were even purring because you were so comfortable, soon after you started to have a confused and nervous face maybe finally understanding what was happening, then when finally understood that there was someone touching you, you immediately woke up. You jumped up that made Smoker move away and you looked like a soldier who felt so desperate because fell asleep in the middle of the war, or as if you had lost something extremely important.
You looked around scared as if you were afraid of a ghost and when your gaze finally landed on Smoker, completely awake and looking at you in surprise, your eyes filled with tears and you threw yourself at him, climbing onto the bed and hugging him so tight that you felt he hadn't had any broken ribs before now he had definitely gotten some...
“SMOKER!” You screamed as you grabbed him as if you missed him so much that it was painful to bear, the shocking thing for him was that you were so emotional to the point of crying, you had never shown weakness and emotions like that so easily before.
“(Y-Y/N)!?” He stuttered your name nervously, he didn't expect you to hug him as soon as you saw him awake. He swallowed deeply without knowing what to do, their hands slowly rested on his waist, touching you but still far from hugging you, too afraid that it was just a dream and the moment he touched you you would disappear.
“You woke up… You finally woke up” you sniffled and now you seemed to be stopping crying to finally calm down, your concern was genuine and this made Smoker even more confused and curious. You slowly moved away, sitting in front of him, the two of you were still very close but Smoker thought it best to take his hands off your waist, although you still had one hand on his stomach.
"Why are you crying?" He sighed and instinctively moved his hand to your cheek, trying to wipe away your tears.
“I was worried… You never woke up and the doctors didn’t know what to do… I thought we might lose you” You sighed but didn’t move away from his gentle touch.
"What do you mean? My head feels like shit…” he mumbled irritably and little by little his memories came back “Ah! The pirate, that devil fruit user isn’t it?”
“Yes, the power of the sleep-sleep fruit… The other marines who were hit by it slept for a maximum of two days… But you were in a type of coma for a week” you explained looking at him with concern and joy “It's a relief that you woke up, I couldn't kill that pirate because you taught that we should prioritize being arrested alive... But when I saw you lying down and no one could wake you up, I... I swore I would make that bastard regret touching you !” You screamed angrily and punched the bed, in this case a light punch to his stomach that made him jump in fright and you cried desperately for an apology while Smoker held back his laughter.
“You did well, you managed to control your emotions during a fight and carry out the arrest without any problems…” He sighed in relief that you didn't have difficulty with that idiotic pirate “A week in? That’s crazy… It must have been my biggest vacation this year” he sighed, laughing at the joke and you laughed along.
“You worried a lot of people, the doctors had to expel a lot of marines from here who wanted to thank you... And a lot of civilians too” you smiled thinking how adored Smoker was by everyone, whether civilians or his own subordinates.
“Good… That’s good… Huh, what… Did you come visit me today?” He asked somewhat shyly and looked away with his cheeks getting hot.
“Ah… Not exactly…” he felt his heart breaking at your statement “A visit means I would leave and come back… And well… I'm kind of sleeping in this armchair like since you were moved into this room.” Smoker's head spun so fast he could hear a snap, he looked at you in shock at that unexpected confession, the most he thought was that you would admit that you cared about his well-being and that's why you visited him every now, but you... Had you been there all this time? Even sleeping in an uncomfortable armchair so as not to leave him alone?
“You… But… But why would you do that?” He stuttered in shock and curiosity, he imagined he had some importance to you, he was your superior and trainer besides you being even remotely close, but he didn't imagine you cared about him to that point.
“I…” You sighed and looked away “I was scared… Scared that you would never wake up or die” you bit your lip. “I was afraid that you would die mad at me and I would never know what I did wrong… Scared that I would never be able to fix things between us… And scared that I would never be able to tell you how I feel about you” you finished looking at him with a smile sad.
“You didn't do anything wrong, I was an idiot and took my frustration out on you when… Huh, wait? What did you say?" He stopped talking when he finally absorbed the last part of your sentence. “What do you mean by ‘how you feel about me’?” He looked at you confused and Smoker's heart was beating so fast that maybe he was going to go into a coma again or simply have a heart attack.
“Smoker-san… For someone so intelligent in battle you leave something to be desired in other areas” you laughed and placed your hand over his making circles with your finger in an affectionate way “I think everyone realizes that I'm in love with you... Except you.”
“And I think everyone also realized that I'm in love with you... Except you” he said immediately after you.
Soon the two of you were staring at each other with wide eyes and an extremely red face, you two were in love this whole time and never realized it before?!
“What do you mean you were in love with me?! You seemed furious with me days ago!” You said confused but still full of hope.
“I was furious because I heard you saying you were in love with someone else!” He countered.
"Yes! In love with you!" You said defending yourself.
"I did not know that!" He said nervous and embarrassed about the situation.
“I would have known if you had asked me out or just been less accepting when I asked you!” You huffed and crossed your arms, but soon smiled lovingly. “Well… that’s good, now you won’t be able to dismiss me when I invite you to lunch!”
He blushed again and looked down, feeling a smile dominate his face. Soon he sighed and held your hand, finally looking at you.
“A real date.” He said seriously.
“Huh?” You looked at him confused.
“I’m going to take you on a real date. For... Huh... For treating you rudely and taking so long to confess... It's the least I can do after you stay here taking care of me" he finally said what was weighing on his heart, now he had not only apologized for the confusion , but he had also confessed his feelings and asked you out on a date. Finally Smoker had managed to say everything he wanted to you.
“I can’t wait” And when you smiled at him…Ah, he was sure that everything had been immensely worth it.
﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋
#one piece x reader#one piece#one piece x you#one piece imagine#onepiece#anime imagines#imagines#one piece x gn reader#smoker x you#smoker x reader#smoker#one piece smoker#i never writing that much again#fuck my brain is dry#in the end this story is shitty#but i tried#pretend that you like
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My Official AEW Wrestledream Review
Let’s start with Zero Hour!
I absolutely love the energy that Renee, RJ, and Jeff have on the desk. They’re so much fun to listen to and watch
Same with the commentary desk. Excalibur, Tony, and Nigel are so good at what they do
It’s good to see Anna Jay back in AEW. She looks Amazing since her time in Japan, and she looked great in the ring with Harley.
The 8 man tag with Dark Order, Premier Athletes, Outrunners, and Conglomeration (“The Conglome-runners vs. Dark Athletes” thanks Excalibur) was good. Not a huge Outrunners fan, myself, but Kyle looked great. Kyle going after Okada afterward is perfect, and I would love to see that program.
Now, on to the show!!
Switchblade and the Hangman. This was an amazing match for the two of them. Jay’s return to in ring competition (he looks AMAZING, btw), Hangman getting shit from the crowd and hating it. They looked great in the ring together. Jay’s early work in this match looked so smooth and quick. Hangman’s strikes looked LETHAL. Jay’s Dragon screws (most underrated move in professional wrestling) paved a perfect road to the ending of the match. Excited to see where Jay goes from here, and how this contributes to Hangman’s decent into madness
Willow vs Mariah. This match was great. Willow looked awesome coming in. Mariah, I just wanna be you Jesus Christ. Willow’s offense always looks intense and ruthless (Queen of the Street Fight), but I do wish she would have won here. I know, they’re probably waiting for Toni to come back and take the title off Mariah, but I do think Willow has more than earned her flowers here. (Also, the fact that there was only one women’s match on the card is a major disappointment. Tony Khan, you should have shad at least 2. I mean, your double champ wasn’t even on the card. I have loved the AEW women’s division since I started watching, and they’ve always treated their women’s division with more respect than WWE, but this is a low point. Hopefully, they get better treatment on the next PPV)
Swerve’s Return. God, it’s good to see Swerve, man!! One of the guys of all time, ya know? I really liked this promo with MVP and Shelton Benjamin. Giving Shelton his flowers for all he’s done for Black wrestlers in the last 20 years was a great moment. I loved Swerve pointing out that, yes, Nana has dropped the ball a few times, and Swerve took some major hits under his management, but Nana is FAMILY. They’ve been together for so long, been through so much together. I was hoping we’d get Bobby Lashley debuting during this segment, but I’m not disappointed with what we got
Jack Perry vs Katsuyori Shibata. Seeing the Wrestler in action. He looked phenomenal! I love that grapple-trading style of wrestling, and Shibata is among the best. The man is a beast. You can tell that Jack’s in-ring psychology is just getting batter, and the moments he slows down or accelerates, especially with a star like Shibata, really shine. I do think the title should have changed hands here, however. I know Garcia is coming after the title, and yeah, that program might not be as compelling with Shibata, but Perry’s held that belt for a minute, and I would have liked to see a change.
Garcia, MJF, ADAM COLE, BAY BAY. God, what a night for arrivals!! I love seeing Danny Garcia, he’s a serious talent. MJF’s surprise return, reigniting the feud with Garcia, only to be IMMEDIATELY snuffed by Adam Cole! Free Garcia up to go after the belt, Adam Cole and MJF get to relight their feud, maybe finally get a decisive winner. Great spot for everyone
Osprey, Ricochet, Takeshita. Man, what a match! I really loved that they didn’t focus too much of the match time on Osprey and Ricochet going at each other, since we got that on Dynamite. Takeshita looked downright LETHAL in this match, and that Blue Thunder bomb spot (2nd most underrated move in wrestling) was awesome. Obviously, the highlight of Kyle Fletcher turning on Osprey, hitting him with that Tiger Driver 96 (which, did Osprey’s shoulder look fucked up to anyone else??) was heartbreaking. Fletcher looks MASSIVE, and so, so dangerous. Really excited to see him become a bigger player on the singles scene. I liked the title changing hands here, I think Osprey doesn’t need a title to get over, and it sets up Takeshita as a kind of “Dark Belt Collector” opposite to Don Callus’s run with Kenny Omega. Great match
Hologram vs Mortos, 2/3 falls. I didn’t have a ton of investment in this match, tbh. I haven’t seen much of Hologram, and the turn from LFI on Hologram didn’t reach me until a couple hours before Wrestledream. Still, I do love a Mortos match, and he looked great here (that SKY HIGH Samoan drop spot looked great!) A 2/3 falls stipulation never does much for me, cause every one has the same formula (one for A, one for B, big dramatic ending), but this was a fun match for Lucia Libre fans
Darby v Brody King. Man, what a match. There’s a reason Darby is one of the major faces of AEW. He always pulls insane spots, and this was no exception. Brody looked so dominant and destructive, and really shined in those early spots. I think this match, combined with what happened later, really moved Darby from “gimmick match guy” to World title contender, and I’m excited for what (I hope) comes next
Bucks vs Private Party. Really enjoyed, like, 70% of this match. The stuff at the beginning with the false quit was eh, but the in ring stuff looked great. I used to like the Bucks, but these EVP characters are so damned unlikeable (I know, point of heels) that at some point, they have to lose the titles. Personally, I think that should have happened here. You have all these great tag teams week in and week out, and it’s starting to feel like the Bucks just don’t want to give it up cause they’re in charge. Hopefully, with what happened later, they drop them before the end of the year
Mark Briscoe vs Jericho. Look. I am on the record as a Jericho hater, and not just with his heel work (seriously. The man sucks). Briscoe looked great here, and the appearance of Big Bill, the Bad Apple Brian Keith, and the Conglomeration was super fun. Shout out to Jay Briscoe, RIP, dem Boys 4ever
Moxley vs Danielson. Wow, contentious match. I really loved the match. I think it highlighted their styles well (Mox the ruthless brawler, Danielson the perfect technician with a mean streak), and the spots were great. I think it elevated Mox’s new character, and his new faction with Marina Shafir, well. Danielson, obviously, looked amazing here. I like that it ends with a technical knockout, but I think I would have preferred an actual knockout win. I like Mox winning the title here, not because I think he needs another title, but because it shifts the story
The Aftermath. Okay, wow. Just. What a way to end a PPV. The beat down from Mox and crew, then Yuta comes out. The heartbreak when Yuta turns on Brian, and then doubling down on Wheeler with the bag. The utter dominance Mox and team showed over the ring here. Seeing the locker room come out to defend Brian. I think the crucial things here are; what did Brian say he needed to do with this match, and who comes out to defend him. Brian said he was defending AEW from Jon Moxley. That Jon Moxley was a threat to the very existence of AEW. And Brian lost. For all intents and purposes, he was right. Brian lost, and Mox wrecked havoc. But who comes out to defend him? Orange Cassidy, Daniel Garcia, Darby Allin, Private Party. All guys who have been with AEW since damn near day one, and all guys thought to be gimmicky, jokey, or just plain not serious enough to be world title, company-carrying guys. If you think about it, Mox was right. AEW is going to change. And he is the avatar of that change. He is going to rally the likes of Orange, Darby, Garcia, and make them into the caliber of wrestler they need to be to defeat him. And this was the catalyst: the slaying of the Dragon. I think we’re going to see some major changes in Darby and Orange moving forward
All in all, I think this was a great PPV. Some things I would have done differently, some changes to the card, but great. Really excited to see how we move through the rest of the year with these storylines, and the big shakeups I think are coming to the tenor of some of the biggest stars.
#aew#aew collision#aew dynamite#aew rampage#aew wrestledream#jon moxley#brian danielson#orange cassidy#darby allin#private party#the young bucks#daniel garcia#mjf#adam cole#hangman adam page#switchblade jay white#swerve strickland#whose house?#swerve's house#Mariah may#willow nightingale#jack perry#katsuyori shibata#will ospreay#ricochet#konosuke takeshita#don callis family#kyle fletcher#the acclaimed#mxm collection
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Ok so I'm thinking this could just be because of the online spaces I'm surrounded with and the absolute shit algorithms, but where does the assertion come from that white people are the ones who have super high standards for POC writing?
Ok I know, traditional publishing. Yeah, that's one side of things. The professional realm of US publishing is definitely high and staked against POC authors. No need to argue about that.
But I mean like, as readers. Because after seeing some people talk about that POC written "Wicked Gods book" I went on an age old online pastime of drama and tea spills in incognito mode, and the main people who seem to put POC writing to super high standards are... other POC people. Staying on topic for Wicked Gods, on that GR page of Wicked Gods there are tons of POC/BIPOC (they state it in the reviews) who're throwing out accusations that imply the writer is a traitor, hates POC, fetishizes colonialism, the impact of it, feeds into the WMAW trope etc etc. Even some who go full attack on the author saying their grandparents would be ashamed of them if they were still alive or that the author doesn't care about the people affected by history.
Then went to youtube, and while most of the POC reviewers are good at staying constructive, there are those who just immediately go to drag the author and do the same shit as some of the GR reviews I mentioned.
Anyway went down the rabbit hole of checking "controversial POC authors" or just some more reader bait books and yeah, a lot of the actual "high standard" talks come from a lot of POC reviewers. Though the standards are mostly POC having super high standards for other POC people on how to represent POC authors, writing and experiences, and culture. Anything that could be "bad" like colonizer romance, gets a lot of angry reviews from POCs about that, and some other tropes. Even in the cases where the POC in question isn't even of the same race as the author. The only real "white ppl standards" thing is that on average there seem to be more white readers on some books, but most of the white people deliberately reading POC books don't seem to actually have that high standards for the POC novels, they're actually kinda boring. Either it's very touristy, very nothing, just parroting some POC reviewer, or it's actually just a normal review with no commenting on accuracy or expectations, just taking the book for what it is and criticising what they do know, eg poor depictions of feminism, or just poor writing..
--
I suspect the actual pattern is 50% the "How it works" thing where a minority person is anomalous and memorable while a "default" person's bad writing/actions/etc. are forgotten and not treated as part of a pattern we should pay attention to...
And 50% people being more sensitive to portrayals of their own group or a minority group they relate to or whatever. I know bad depictions of women annoy me more than those of men, and my standards for f/f are unfortunately higher than my standards for m/m.
I do see white people signal boosting pseudo-activist stuff they clearly don't have enough context for and should probably not be signal boosting, but I'd say the actual white person bad behavior in this sphere is more often abject indifference.
As for where the assertion comes from... I presume it's the usual "My enemies must be of the demographic I dislike!" idiocy. You see this fallacy in every type of argument put forward by every type of person. It's certainly not restricted to POC bitching about white people.
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Attempting one of those long ass literary analysis posts because my friends have told me I should please enjoy this long ass ramble
Okay so like Jekyll creating Hyde is itself a crime right? Like it is it’s a horrifying event filled with body horror and pain like Jekyll creating the potion and creating Hyde is an objectively Bad Thing ™ but like why??? Jekylls motivations for doing so are both sympathetic and relatable (and intentionally so) so why are his actions considered the literal original sin of his story?? Anyway I was bored and fucked around and found an answer and I need to share it because fuck me I can’t be normal about Jekyll.
Anyway review time our buddy Jekyll is sad gay and alone and comes to the conclusion that people contain multitudes. And I say multitudes because Jekyll himself admits in his own research that there’s more to his theory and than just good and evil,
“I say two, because the state of my knowledge does not pass beyond that point.”
“… I hazard guess that man will be ultimately known for a mere polity of multifarious, incongruous, and independent denizens.”
and that he splits himself into good and evil because that’s what he’s most familiar with (aka it’s the split that he can use for his own benefit.) But like, homeboy was kinda on to something. The idea that humans are complex and multifaceted with multiple conflicting ideas and identities has been a thing across psychology and even whole cultures for like forever, and considering that Jekyll and Hyde was written around and about the the creation of the psychology as a scientific field, Jekyll is has (for lack of a better word) discovered something very profound, important, and massively influential to the world around him. And positivity influential to!! It’s that iconic quote “if each could be housed in different Identities, the world would be relieved of all that is unbearable” I think he’s getting ahead of himself here and kinda self projecting but there is very real truth to the idea that studying the difference facets of human identity could improve people and society. And even if he’s dead fucking wrong still putting out the information would end up benefiting societies collective knowledge. Kinda like how Freud was so influential to psychology because some of his theories were so buck wild and wrong that people had to come and correct him, widening the scientific field as a whole.
And Jekyll doesn’t do that. This life altering information is kept to himself, for his own personal use, benefit, and pleasure. And that’s so fucking wild and horrific for so many fucking reasons. Like it goes against so many rules of behavior it’s FOUL. First of the selfishness and gate keeping is inherently just cruel, but this man is a DOCTOR, and a SCIENTIST. This motherfucker took an OATH BEFORE GOD to provide the best care to the people, and now that care, or at least information that could lead to better care, is being squandered for personal gain. That’s fucked. That’s criminal activity right there.
But also I dare you to find me a scientist that doesn’t want to share their research and passion THERE IS NONE. I may be basing this analysis off of a stereotype but I believe it’s a stereotype based in reality but isn’t this the very thing people who go into fields of science and research do??? Like, they are unified by their desire to explore and SHARE knowledge??? Even if like the Jekyll wasn’t a professional doctor with his Hippocratic oath just doing things for shits and giggles, how is the goal not to tell people about this?? This doctor isn’t doctoring the way doctors should. Jekyll keeping his discoveries to himself is also just borderline non human behavior to me because who actually in real life does that. Again how is the end goal not to share this discovery? Humans are social creatures we want to share things. Swapping stories around a campfire is like the oldest human tradition ever. If you’re out in the woods and see a cool frog the immediate reaction is to call your friends over to look, or take a picture, or something similar. WHEN I THINK OF NEW WAYS TO VIEW AND INTERPRET JEKYLL ANS HYDE, THE IMMEDIATE THOUGHT IS TO SHARE IT WITH MY FRIENDS. I cannot FATHOM how secrecy is Jekyll’s immediate desire as a fellow human who lives on this earth.
And this actually slots in with really well with Jekyll and Hyde as a social critique of the upper class. Keeping super important info to yourself is NOT a human activity in any capacity, but it is an institutional one. The best thing I can think of to describe and compare it to is oil companies history of actively suppressing information about climate change to stay in business. It’s a modern example but I feel so deeply that there is an 1800s equivalent that I just can’t think of or don’t know in this moment. But the point is, Jekyll isn’t a person (metaphorically speaking), he’s a institution of wealth and power doing what large institutions do best, profiting off of the the control and suppression of the people below them, in this case the control of information.
But of course, Jekyll literally speaking, is a person. He’s just some guy, and seeing a very very human character act without any human instinct so casually is freaky and 10/10 horror. Jekyll’s creation of Hyde isn’t a crime or a sin because Hyde is an evil thing that will do evil things, it’s horrifying because Jekyll’s choice to do so is inhumane in every definition of the word thank you for coming to my TedTalk have a nice day
#jekyll and hyde#the strange case of dr jekyll and mr hyde#gothic literature#literature#henry jekyll#edward hyde#txt post#long post#my rambles
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Robooty Reviews: Killer Crush (10/10) PERSONAL FAVORITE
Professional killer Joo Taeman has found himself completely head over heels with Korea's biggest heart throb actor Kang Da-Hyuk. Not to be confused with the average hobbyist serial killer, Joo Taemin's professional is his legitmate career and he has endured severe training mentally and physically his entire life to be up to the job. But suddenly he finds himself melting from the mere glance at Da-Hyuk's "boy next door" smile! This manhwa is packed to the brim with comedy and cute pannels. IF YOU LIKE ROBOOTY STYLE ITAGER YOU WILL LIKE THIS.
First review eeheehee! And whats more fitting than to continue this draft i made all the way back in March 2023? Dont expect proper summaries for the next ones lol. but ohhhh my god... this one is so good okay. ITS SO FUNNY AND AAUGWHHS ITS LIKE ROBOOTY ITAGER ADJACENT. LIKE FUCKING TRUST ME RN OKAY. THIS READS LIKE AN ITAGER AU TO ME ALRIGHT GUYS ITS NOT FULLY THE SAME OBVIOUSLY BUT IT HAS LIKE... COCAINE. COKE-HYENA! IF YOU LIKE THE SHIT I MAKE YOU WILL MOST DEFINATELY LIKE THIS!!!!!!
The romance is so cute too and ohh my god this art is to die for it's sooooo good.. I wish i drew as good as the author.... IM SO MAD THAT I DONT KNOW HOW TO ORDER THINGS USING A KOREAN WAREHOUSE ADDRESS BECAUSE THERES OFFICIAL PLUSHIES AND I WANTED ONE SOOOO FUCKING BAD AUGH **TEARING GRASS OUT OF THE EARF**
Anyways rn it's on hiatus because season 2 finished and I'm going to cry I need season 3... I wish there was a physical print of this PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MAKE A PHYSICAL PRINT I WILL BUY EVERY SINGLE VOLUME. This is my first post and it's a 10/10 but no seriously guys. I dont give out 10/10s like candy alright. It's that good. This is unironically the only yaoi manga that I would feel comfortable recommending to anyone because its just a genuinely good comic. (It's not my all time favorite yaoi, but it holds second/third place with another manga I'll talk about later).
I love this shit. it's hilarious. I don't laugh often while reading yaoi (such a shame) or well even laugh often while reading manga (I need more comedy in mai life), but this made me laugh a whole lot. So good...... please read this I am begging you
#robooty reviews#yaoi review#robooty personal favorite#Killer Crush#recommendations#recs#rec#recommended
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And there’s the comedown.
youtube
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I have to admit I got a bit caught up in the high of seeing very positive reviews, now I’m feeling a bit more weary.
Don’t get me wrong I’m still going to likely buy it, but that may be later than I thought. I’m going to wait to see what everyone else says and get some honest opinions.
The thing that really worries me is Skill up’s criticism on lack of meaningful choices and lack of truly meaningful character moments. My biggest complaint with Andromeda was how it little it felt like your choices mattered and the lack of a strong vision for Ryder. I love those moments in ME or DAI where your choices make a companion love or depise you. I love being a renegade in ME or a shit disturber in DAI and it really sounds like those moments aren’t there in DATV.
Remember how in DA2 Fenris and Anders were at each others throats and it really felt like walking a knife’s edge with either of them? I want that in DATV and it sounds like I might not be getting that sadly.
I’m still hopeful, but I am considerably more cautious with that hope than I was 6 hours ago.
Also I feel like I should add that I checked both channels and they are full of solid professional reviews, because my god are the bigots losing their mind over this game and I wanted to make sure these channels were not among their number.
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Personality Ratings Of The Birds That Visit My Bird Feeders
I have the beginnings of a little bird/pollinator garden outside of my bedroom window. It's nothing to show off yet, but I have a pretty big variety of regulars. And, like any bartender, I've come to silently judge them all from afar. Here are my ratings of my local Seed Bastards:
Dark-Eyed Junco:
Bastard Rating: 4/10 They take no shit and don't mind continuing to eat within about 10' of me when I'm actively working outside. Mostly bogart the feeders through numbers rather than actual bastardy. They go berserk for sunflower seeds and shelled peanuts. Don't scare easy but also aren't terribly interested in getting into it with the other birds.
House Finch:
Bastard Rating: 7/10 Refuses to share feeders. Chases other birds except their wives from the feeders, and will fully "nest" on tray feeders so their fat asses block the other birds from getting any from the feeder. I vaguely suspect they're racist toward the other birds because they'll only allow other house finches to eat from the feeders they're squatting in. At the same time, I've seen males feeding other males. Possible problematic queer icons. More review needed.
Chestnut-Backed Chickadee:
Bastard Rating: 5/10 Too tiny to really pose much of a territorial issue, but kinda remind me of flying chihuahuas. They mind their own business when they can, but will not hesitate to throw hands with other birds over either the sunflower feeder or suet cake. Generally don't hold grudges and stay in their lanes, until it comes to suet cakes.
Golden-Crowned Sparrow:
Bastard Rating: 2/10 Hang out in pretty big numbers, but otherwise mind their own business and eat when the other birds aren't taking up the feeders. They prefer the ground feeders. They're generally pretty chill. Their only true crimes are their systematic massacres of my supplies of black oil sunflower seeds.
Varied Thrush:
Bastard Rating: 0/10 Competes with Spotted Towhees in terms of raw cunt-serving power, both my cat and I get all kinds of tingly when this thot shows up. Yeah, he knows you're staring. He knows how good he looks. He's the flashiest bitch on the block. Robins? Dowdy Catholic school kids. Goldfinches? All color, no drama. This magnificent slut is here to slay.
Spotted Towhee:
Bastard Rating: 4/10 The hot goth vampire kid in high school you're 99% has their own OF account. Professionally Round. Uses his phat ass to own the runway (and my feeders) next to his frumpy competition. Is secretly a complete nerd. Basically if Laszlo Cravensworth was a bird.
Pine Siskin:
Bastard Rating: 9/10 This barely-there wannabe-goldfinch would apply lube to the bottom of your heels on Drag Night. The Heelies of the bird world; never truly cool but grasping at any legitimacy he can get. Nobody appreciates plagiarism. And ugh, he couldn't even be bothered to finish blending. What a rank slag. Get off my stage and learn how to work, bitch.
Black-Capped Chickadee:
Bastard Rating: 11/10 DO NOT BE DECEIVED BY THEIR ROUND CUTENESS. These little fuckers are the gangbangers of the forest. Subsist on raw suet cake and spite. They're consistently possessed with the rage of a lust-addled Klingon woman. What the fuck are you doing at their suet cake? God help you, if you're at their suet cake, they will c u t y o u.
Song Sparrow:
Bastard Rating: -1/10 Babygirl. Precious. Just wants to sit on the edge of the gutters or the top of the feeders and make it as independent folk singers. Probably resort to posting hole from time to time to make end's meet. Always eat last because it's all love, my brothers in Christ.
Anna's Hummingbird:
Bastard Rating: 9/10 While they may have cool optical illusions when it comes to their holographic feathers, they verbally abuse me every time I refill the feeder and it hurts my feelings :(
Rufous Hummingbird:
Bastard Rating: 1/10 Shy bois. They stay out of the way until they're sure I've gone back inside before they'll visit the feeders. Generally loners.
Ruby-Throated Hummingbird:
Bastard Rating: 3/10 Generally the It Girls of the bird world. You know your garden is officially making it when these start showing up. They know they're the most popular but generally try to stay grounded about it. Will sometimes hang out and chat while the hummingbird feeder is being refilled. Used to scare me as a kid because my sister convinced me they'd try to stab their beaks into acne spots. While untrue, they don't have much of a sense of personal space.
Mourning Dove:
Bastard Rating: 1/10 Generally only bother the other birds because they're fat and eat in groups big enough to make it hard for the other birds to get at the seed on the ground. Sing beautifully. Makes Hatoful Boyfriend kind of make sense. Ngl kinda wanna befriend one. Confuse me a little bit whenever I see them because I live in a swamp and didn't expect to find any doves out here.
Stellar's goddamned Jay:
Bastard Rating: WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?!/FUCK I KNOW THE SUNFLOWER DISPENSER JIGGLES WHEN YOU TRY TO FLY YOUR FAT ASS INTO IT. NO, I CANNOT MAKE THE FEEDER POLE STOP WIGGLING WHEN YOU PARK YOUR WIDE LOAD ON TOP OF IT. GDI I BOUGHT PEANUTS FOR YOU. STOP IMITATING A SHRIEKING HAWK TO SCARE AWAY THE OTHER BIRDS AND LEARN TO SHARE YOU ABSOLUTE TWAT.
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