#god love equation makes me the saddest

[daehwi]

-

[keepitmovinshawty]

Ok watching the Snyder Cut again but this time with notes!

Kids today will never know the struggle of buying a movie only to realize that it’s the full screen version instead of the widescreen version.

The opening sequence actually made me tear up a little.

Superman’s cry of anguish is more powerful than Zeus.

Amber Heard. Gross.

I like how the Atlanteans and Amazons have their Mother Boxes in secure locations but “man” has theirs tossed in the back of a closet. Sounds about right.

Because of course Bruce Wayne knows Icelandic too.

So Arthur takes off his shirt to swim but leaves his jeans on. God the chafing...

Alfred dragging Bruce is always hilarious.

Ok this bank scene with Diana was in the 2017 version but it’s a lot more violent in this one. And I guess the desaturation of the scene also makes it seem less like a cartoon. There’s actual tension in this. Editing matters.

“Boring.” Diana said cut to the damn chase. She doesn’t have all day.

Diana really makes use of her greaves.

Not Diana vaporizing this dude.

I want a whole movie of just the Amazons.

I actually like how they did the live action Boom Tube.

The Amazons are beasts with their lassos.

I love Hippolyta.

Part 2! I like how this was split into parts.

No one ever says Superman’s name. It’s always “him.”

Diana always wears white.

This whole scene where Diana goes to Athens is left out.

I think this conversation between Arthur and Vulko is too.

I forgot this movie is canonically before Aquaman.

Steppenwolf is an actual character in this one.

Isn’t this the second time Diana has broken into Bruce’s place?

Ooooh a Green Lantern!

Professor Lupin defeating Darkseid is a highlight.

Forever giggling at how the Amazons and Atlanteans do the most to hide the boxes while Man just buries it in the forest.

I want to meet someone who makes me stop and stare like Barry and Iris did.

There’s always a fruit stand.

Barry giving new meaning to running out of your shoes.

Cyborg’s origin story is easily one of the saddest.

Also, 2017 cut his mother entirely out. I mean, Whedon damn near wrote him out the movie.

I wonder if the Sarah they were talking about is Sarah Charles...

Victor helping the single mother was 🥲

Dr. Manhattan is Barry’s father.

Competitive ice dancing. Very competitive ice dancing.

Batman with a lasso...

Victor is still in his bitter stage.

J. Jonah Jameson and Commissioner Gordon are the same person.

Amber Heard again. Gross.

So the Atlanteans here can’t speak underwater. They only make these trill noises. But they do speak in air pockets.

How unfortunate that Arthur saves Mera just in time.

Steppenwolf wants all the smoke with Diana for some reason.

I love Wonder Woman’s theme.

Aquaman casually late but he holds the water back so it’s all good.

The Anti-Life Equation. That thing that makes earth so special.

Darkseid enters the chat.

Steppenwolf without his armor... Yeesh...

How did Darkseid forget which planet kicked his ass 5000 years ago?

Not Arthur looking incredulous about Victor being able to speak to intelligence. Dude, you talk to fish.

Why do the Nazis find everything?

The little explanation about the Mother Boxes was cool. Also a scene that was cut.

Swanwick being Martian Manhunter this whole time is wild. Also cut from the theatrical version.

You know in other versions of his “death,” Superman isn’t actually dead. His body is just comatose as he heals. But he appears dead to humans because his heart rate slows down so much.

Lol the ship AI is like “this is a monumentally bad idea I strongly advise against it please don’t do this” 🤣🤣🤣

Ironically, Superman returning is the worst part of the movie to me. Not the fact that he’s back just how it’s done. The whole fight sequence to me is ridiculous and a waste of time. Like why has he even forgotten who he is in the first place?

Well in this version there’s no awful “do you bleed” and Lois gets herself to the scene.

Bruh... Victor done watched both parents die now.

Henry Cavill is really pretty. Dude has that old Hollywood gorgeousness.

It’s come to my attention that Bruce and Clark’s mothers have the same name.

Time to go fuck Steppenwolf up!

Black suit Supes flying up into the atmosphere to get some of that sweet, sweet solar radiation.

They finally got that thing to fly only to fuck it up as soon as they get there 😅

Steppenwolf is antagonizing Diana and idk why. What did she do to you, bruh?

Wonder Woman 🤝 Aquaman 🤝 Superman

So this whole part with them essentially losing and Barry having to run back time didn’t happen in 2017 at all. Instead they just had him... save a random family?

Seriously... Wonder Woman, Aquaman, and Supes treated Steppenwolf.

Y’all outchea feeling bad for Steppenwolf but let’s not forget his debt was 150K worlds. DeSaad said he still had 50K left. That means he destroyed 100K worlds already. Fuck him.

Man why they tease Granny Goodness then didn’t have her speak? And if she doesn’t sound like Ed Asner is it even worth it?

Ryan Choi! Aka Atom!

Silas’ voiceover during the ending was so touching 🥲

Words cannot express how much I hate Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor. I actually like Lex as a character but I hate him in the DCEU because just ugh. Worst casting ever.

Oh look it’s Slade. Or Deathstroke. Whichever name strikes your fancy.

Just throwing Batman’s real name out there.

Amber Heard again. 😒😒😒😒😒

I actually like Jared Leto here. Tho that laugh needs work.

I know it’s the Knightmare timeline but I still have a hard time believing Clark becomes Darkseid’s lackey because Lois dies. I get the pain and anguish but dude... Lois wouldn’t want that.

This epilogue felt like the ending, a mid-credits scene, and a post-credits scene put together.

Welp that was great! And I’ll probably watch it a 3rd time this weekend with my siblings.

[clementineesotsm]

THE KING: ETERNAL MONARCH EP 16, My Appreciation and How It Made Me Feel

Eps 16 was same as eps 1. The end is the beginning. Just, with a different choices made by the leads. The most intriguing and heart wrenching first 15 minutes ever!

JTE ask Luna to stay as her to take care of her father. While JTE took the leap of faith and go with LR inside the space between 0 and 1. I really appreciate JTE action here instead of just waiting, she wants to be involved in helping to finish this mission, eventhough she might not able to see Gon again, forever. I never really guessing that JTE character development was to have stoicism quality. It was the best.

And then in Corea, Gon and JY starting to run the plan. First thing first they get rid of Prince Buyeong’s son. JY found out that Gon did not plan to save himself tonight, he only wants to kill LR. But JY refuse, he said “i must protect my king, that is my duty. this is also my last chance to protect your majesty” im in tears seriously. Why all of these people now becoming so stoic, i cant 🥺 also the music here 💯 scoring wise, this series has it all. Where is the award again?!

But the Gon realize that maybe tonight will be different because at some point things start to change. “Beautiful equations are always simple. Tonight, i’m not alone. We just havent reached our destination yet” i loved that he is repeating JTE words here. Surprisingly he pay attention to it.

JTE was inside the space between 0 and 1 with LR. LR still try his best to insult JTE by saying if the order restores her memories of him will be gone. The best line said by JTE here “thats why i’m heartbroken. All those radiant memories are engraved deep in my heart” and LR said that JTE cant shoot here, everything is at a standstill. JTE answer “how would you know if no ones ever tried to fire a gun here before?” And we can see LR face a bit bothered. Loved that subtle acting by LJJ.

So tonight things goes differently, past LR become more witty and decide to just kill Gon, but right before his minions shot him, Gon and JY came in and fight. Was a super super cool act, music, cinematography, coreography, everything! Plus a glimpse of LR and JTE. Gosh i really hate past present future LR!

Swear to God i thought JY was dead. Im crying here. My theory was right after all, no? Since the beginning i believe JY was Gon saviour 🤣 eventhough in a different reality, still it turns out to be JY.

We going back a bit to see KSJ make things right too in Korea. He bring “his mom” to see the real KSJ which in a coma. His mom really shocked and mad at him. KSJ life was the saddest among others and he has all the reasons to be the bad guy here, but no, because he is receiving love from his family and friends in Korea, he become also one stoic and soft hearted character who only wants to do the right thing in job, in love, in everything. That is why i love his character and all the lesson from him. And also i appreciate KES to make the side story with a family topic instead of second lead romance like her usual writings. This series is very different from her usual writings, that is why i appreciate it a lot!

Most fav scene here was when his mom running towards him calling his name and hug him. He is hesitating to call her his mom but her mother say sorry to him saying that she should hug her first knowing its not his fault. Heartwarmimg yet heartbreaking. His mom loves him unconditionly after all this time. Also appreciate when a parent actually say goddamn SORRY for making a mistake. We should normalize that.

Gon try to follow LR to bamboo forest where LR found that door to another world. But before he even enter, Gon came and fight him. Meanwhile the other LR in between 1 and 0 offend JTE by saying Gon is failing since the flute is gone and he is still alive. JTE try to shoot him but its not working. By the power of hope JTE keep trying, and suddenly, things changing. This scene was also great because we see a major power helps JTE and makes the flower bloom and the wind blows inside it. She shot LR and he is a dead meat now. The cinematography was amazing. The music also kind of magical, suitable for the situation 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Meanwhile in Corea, Gon also beheaded LR. So now the 2 version of LR was dead. No more entanglement.

Then the most amazing plot twist was here! The yoyo boy!!!! The spirit of the flute who actually everywhere to lead and arrange everything and everyone to follow their fate. And this yoyo boy was literally everywhere. Wahhh mind blowing 💯💯💯💯💯💯

Then everything going back in the right order. The world with no LR. Starting from 1994 - Korea LR - that was alive and good taken care of

To Corea Prince Buyeong changing KHM and his mom faith. The moment i saw Prince Buyeong alive, i cried again. And how he is saying this thing wisely and make things right 🥺🥺 i want a parent like him please

Also we got to see little Luna stealing money in Little PM Koo house. GSR scolded her while her mother stay nice to Luna. GSR mother give money to Luna and prepare food for her, then Luna gave her money to pay for the food. Luna actually always has a good heart, just the harsh life change her to be the Luna we know before the reset. Also another kind character as always was GSR mom 💕

To be continued ..

[mai-sau]

9, 19, 12, 14 for the Silmarillion asks!-outofangband

always a delight to see u @outofangband! tytyty for the asks, was very fun to think about :3c

answers under the cut!

9. What Age of Arda would you like to live in? 

First Age probably as its my fav age! i mean id probably specifically want to live in aman during the years of the trees when things are not going down the drain quite so spectacularly jkrsnkgjsngkjrsng i think it would be exciting to live in a time where the firstborn have just come into the world and are cooking up all these creations

19. You get to save one character from dying. What would they do instead? 

god. what a decision. im very torn between feanor or fingon. i wouldve loved to see what fresh chaos feanor had in store and how deeply that wouldve affected things from the get-go. i imagine he would be far less open to relinquishing the crown to fingolfin, and im very curious what would happen the longer he remained parted from the silmarils and how his relationships wouldve changed with his sons. and if mae still got captured, what mightve happened with feanor still in the picture? i think story-wise im just very interested in what happens when you toss feanor into the equation

fingon would be my hearts choice bc i just. he didnt get enough time. as high king and in general... and i wonder what wouldve happened had fingon remained king, and how this mightve affected the actions of the sons of feanor (esp maedhros) and relations with the other peoples of middle earth

12. You can save one kingdom from destruction, which do you choose? 

id have to say eregion. the possibility for better ongoing dwarf-elf relations is very very interesting, not to mention the possibility for better chances against sauron. i mean the gwaith-i-mirdain had some brilliant minds, and celebrimbor? a ringmaker? i mean, he's saurons biggest competition crafting-wise imo - saurons greatest and most terrible creation was, at the end of the day, a combined effort. the aid eregion couldve provided in the fight against sauron had it not fallen, the diplomatic sway it couldve had between dwarves and elves. 

also, the DRAMA. everyone else potentially blaming them for sauron's new surge of power? celebrimbor surviving and going at it with his ex-turned-mortal-enemy? the shame of, despite trying so so hard, being another feanorian that fucked up? and the internal conflict of it being that commitment to make a change and break his family's legacy of mistrust and violence being the very thing that led him here, inadvertently helping one of their greatest enemies? yes please 

14. Saddest moment in The Silmarillion? 

The last we see of Maedhros and Maglor always breaks my heart. That both of them are confronted with the undeniable, painful proof that their choices have left them stained and, in their own ways, decide that the world is better off without them. Two eldest siblings who outlived every little brother, only to finally choose death and sorrowful exile, frozen in grief. The completion of the oath and casting away of the bitterly sought-after Silmarils, either by bringing it to the fiery grave or throwing it to the sea. it feels so futile and momentous and poetic and so fucking sad. GOD every part of this moment just. oozes tragedy to me.

[earformusic]

10 Songs to Make You Feel Like You're Starring in a Coming-of-Age Indie Film

From The Perks of Being a Wallflower to The Edge of Seventeen, coming-of-age indie films have swept my generation by storm. Recently, it’s become a trend for us Gen Z kids to wish we were starring in one of these iconic films, whether it be because we want to be the main character or we just want to romanticize our lives a bit more. So, I’ve handpicked 10 of my favorite songs to make you feel like you’re the main character you’ve always wanted to be.

1. Grouplove - Tongue Tied

We’re starting off with a throwback that never gets old. If you think you haven’t heard this song, chances are you probably have without even realizing it. Although “Tongue Tied” was released back in 2011, this song has proved itself to be a timeless mix of rock and electropop that’s perfect for singing in your car as you drive down the highway at night with your best friends. Hitting number one on the Billboard Alternative Songs chart a year after its release, Grouplove proved the true magic this song holds despite its prior negative reviews. With an indie influence as well as elements of synthpop and post punk, “Tongue Tied” will have you feeling like the main character as soon as you hit play.

2. BØRNS - Electric Love

The American singer and songwriter BØRNS began his career off with a bang, releasing the critically acclaimed hit “Electric Love”. The poetic lyrics coupled with a heavy glam rock sound will make you feel as if you’re on the top of the world. The music video featuring colorful animations and whimsical dancers perfectly showcases BØRNS as the “main character”. “Electric Love” has such a bright, fun sound that hearing it will immediately make you want to get up and dance. On top of all of this, BØRNS has such a unique voice that definitely stands out. 

3. fun. (feat. Janelle Monáe) - We Are Young

Once again, we have another timeless throwback song. I remember this song constantly playing on the radio when I was younger, and its catchy lyrics getting stuck in my head for days. The perfection of this song speaks for itself, considering the massive achievements it brought the group (including a Grammy award for Song of the Year in 2012). “We Are Young” is the culmination of teenage youth shoved into a 4 minute and 10 second indie pop anthem, with the lyrics describing an unforgettable night out with your friends. Listening to this song, especially with some of your best friends, is perfect for making you feel as if you’re truly living in the moment.

4. M83 - Midnight City

“Midnight City” is a track that’s perfect for playing in the car on a late night drive. The lyrics of the song are a tribute to city nightlife, indicated by the title itself. This is one song that doesn’t need as many lyrics to articulate its message, but the hollow echoes of the lyrics given resonate with the listener. The song’s transcendent sound and memorable riff make it one that you won’t want to miss. You also can’t talk about this song without mentioning the standout saxophone solo that ends the track. I firmly believe that this is one of those songs that’s better listened to than explained, as the song speaks for itself. 

5. Young the Giant - Cough Syrup

As soon as I heard this song come up on my Spotify shuffle, I immediately added it to my playlist. The mix of an indie rock sound with meaningful lyrics caught my attention, and I couldn’t stop listening to the song for weeks. The lyrics of “Cough Syrup” perfectly depict the cliché struggle many coming-of-age indie film protagonists face: the feeling of being lost and aching to get out of your mundane town and lifestyle. However, this common story troupe doesn’t only apply to fictional characters but to many teenagers out there as well (I may or may not be speaking from personal experience). This song by the alternative rock band has the perfect balance of symbolic lyrics and a catchy chorus that you will be humming for hours.

6. Supergrass - Alright

“Alright” is a song that can speak to teenagers everywhere. Lyrics such as “But we are young, we get by” relate back to the simple yet complicated nature of the average teenage experience. Watching the music video, which showcases the British alternative rock band Supergrass joyfully messing around and having fun, will make you wish you could be there and hang out with them as well. The upbeat vibe and joyful piano tune make this song perfect to play on a sunny day.

7. Lonely God - Marlboro Nights

If you frequent the app TikTok, chances are you probably recognize this song from there. Though this indie pop single was released back in 2018, the popular social media app brought it back into the limelight during July 2019. From there, the song reached high spots on the Spotify Viral 50 Charts. The lyrics speak of a love story that many teenagers can probably relate to, especially the opening lyric “I don't want to go to school tomorrow I can't study thinking about you” that immediately leaves an impression on the listener. “Marlboro Nights” is another song which lacks in lyrical amount however holds itself up with a catchy rhythm and lyrics.

8. Bruno Major - Places We Won’t Walk

We’re now taking a sadder turn with this soft R&B track by the British singer and songwriter Bruno Major. Listening to this song, I can picture it playing in the background as the film hits its climax, and the protagonist finally experiences the sad reality of their situation, whether it be losing the love of their life or a close friend. This is arguably the saddest song on this list, however, I feel like it serves to show that being the main character doesn’t always equate to happiness as every person experiences their own highs and lows. Bruno Major’s soothing vocals along with the soft piano in the background make for such a beautiful song. 

9. Wallows - Do Not Wait

Throughout Wallows’ debut album Nothing Happens, they touch on topics such as youth and nostalgia, and the indie rock/bedroom pop song “Do Not Wait” is no exception. The lyrics show how, especially during your teen years, everything feels so world-crushing and the smallest mistake can feel like it’s the end of the world. But in reality nothing happened, and everything is going to turn out okay despite those prior feelings. “Do Not Wait” was the perfect ending to an album full of stories about the teenage experience. When listening to this song, the bridge and outro really stuck up to me, specifically the part where the band member and lyricist of the song Dylan Minnette seems to be speaking to his past self. This shows how the whole song is written from the perspective of his older self talking to his younger self, while simultaneously showing his own personal self growth over the years.

10. Lorde - Ribs

You can’t bring up songs that make you feel like the protagonist in a coming-of-age indie film without mentioning the showstopper that is “Ribs” by Lorde. This song is the perfect description of the bittersweet feeling of never wanting to grow up that all of us experience at least once in our lifetime. Raw and honest lyrics such as “This dream isn't feeling sweet / We're reeling through the midnight streets / And I've never felt more alone / It feels so scary, getting old” give the song a relatable aspect that can appeal to all teenagers. The longing and sadness in the lyrics mixed with Lorde’s unique voice and an upbeat electronica sound make this song so unique. If you are looking for the perfect song to listen to as you dance outside in the rain at night with some of your best friends, or even for those 3 am existential crises, this is the song for you!

Now we’ve finally come to the end of this list, and I hope you found at least one song that makes you feel like you’re the main character. But just know, even if you may not feel like it, you are always the main character of your own life. Life may not always feel as romanticized as films make it out to be, but you always have the ability to romanticize your own life as much as you can: so do it!

If you’d like to check out a playlist with these songs and others that fit this same theme, here’s a link to my Spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3jhAQfVQpVmbabQEzG1gGF?si=rP0gfaVAS56RXUXn8aHgbw

[nsheetee]

Study Buddies

Pairing: Kun x Reader Genre: Fluff, Suggestive Length: 1.3k Warnings: like one swear word, a make out scene, and you get a little grabby at the end  Summary: You and Kun are study buddies, which is how you end up at his house late at night finishing your math review. You aren’t sure how you ended up making out on his Dad’s desk, but you definitely are not complaining. 

♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡

The library doors closed behind you and Kun, a defeated look on your face as you clutch your half done math review in your hands. You looked over at Kun with the saddest pout and he decided he couldn’t let you go home with such a defeated look on your face.

“You wanna come to my house? I said I would help you study and I meant it…” Kun suggested. Although your eyes hurt from staring at the numbers on your review and your shoulders were getting sore, you were determined to get a good grade on your math final. You also couldn’t deny that if there was one person that could help you pass, it was Kun.

“Can we… go to your Dad’s study?” you asked shyly, and Kun sent you his dimpled smile, which is how you ended up seated at the big desk in the study of Kun’s house, finishing your review despite the late time on the clock. Kun set up his own work on the couch in front of the desk and was intently working on his computer with his sock clad feet propped up on the coffee table in front of him, a focused look on face. He would get up every once in a while to get you more water or if you found yourself wondering to the books on the shelves rather than focusing on the equations in your textbook, he would guide you by your shoulders back into the comfy spinny chair. When you had no clue how to even begin solving a problem, Kun was by your side patiently explaining the material.

After numerous hours of work, you had 2 problems left and absolutely no motivation to continue. You slouched over your work with your chin propped up by your hand as you glanced over at the handsome man only a few feet away. He had switched to wearing glasses and his hair stood up at the amount of times he’s run his fingers through it. Although Kun was your study buddy, you weren’t blind- he was hot as fuck. When you approached him at the beginning of the year to ask him to study with you, you thought he would reject the offer like he did with so many others, but surprisingly he nodded his head (a little too aggressively if you remember correctly) and gave you a warm smile with a ripped piece of paper that contained his digits. After a few study sessions you quickly realized that having someone as handsome as Kun working with you was going to be quite the distraction, but as your average grade in your math class rose, you knew you had to force your heart to not react to his charming dimples and kind eyes.

“Kun” you almost whined out and he looked up at you. Even though the bags under your eyes were noticeable from where Kun was sitting, he still thought you looked adorable.

“I have 2 problems left… will you give me some motivation?” You asked. You meant it in the most innocent way: maybe a trip to the convenience store to buy you some sweets or even a few words of encouragement would do. On the other hand, Kun’s mind went into another direction: lips tangling together, him smashing you against the closest surface so that he could somehow get closer, jean clad hips grinding against each other. He tried to calm his heartbeat and focus on his words.

“If you finish… I’ll give you a treat.” he says, his voice surprisingly even. You were completely oblivious to what he was going through on his side of the room and continued to finish your last two problems, happy with the small push to get you to the finish line. Kun was silently dying; he couldn’t get the thought of how your lips would feel on his out of his mind and he cursed at himself for thinking those kinds of thoughts.

When you asked Kun to study with you, he was surprised; many people wanted to “study” with him, which really was just fooling around in the corner of the library, but he never thought you would be one of those people. Kun agreed wholeheartedly, thinking that maybe this could be his shot to talk to you after sitting behind you in class for the past couple weeks and being absolutely mesmerized by you. In the first study session, when Kun realized you actually wanted to study, he was slightly relieved. He could finally get some work done and brainstorm with his classmate. Therefore, not much has happened between the two of you during your study sessions, but somewhere along the way, all the time spent together lead to these dirty thoughts in Kun’s mind. This made Kun so confused; he was the one that didn’t want you to be just another hook up, and here he was feeling hypocritical for wanting to feel your touch. He couldn’t help but wonder and hope that maybe you also felt the same?

The small cheer you gave after finishing your review woke Kun out of his train of thought. You stood up and stretched your arms up to unravel all the stress that built up in your shoulders. Kun had no idea what was going through your mind right now, all he knew was that this was his chance to take to see if you had any feelings towards him.

“So, what’s my treat?” You asked as Kun approached you.

“This.” He mumbled, grabbing your waist and pulling your lips against his in a hard but short kiss. He pulled back, your face holding shock while Kun looked for approval to continue. It was not the treat you had in mind but you weren’t going to stop him from continuing. One hand grabbed the front of his shirt as you pulled him back into another kiss and the other hand steadied yourself on his bicep. Kun’s heart jumped at your approval and he couldn’t help but get absolutely lost in you, this reality being much more fulfilling than any of his fantasies. Your hands traveled up his neck into his hair and Kun had you pulled flush against him, his hands not staying in one place for too long, but that wasn’t enough for him. Suddenly he picked you up by the back of your thighs and sat you on the desk. A small “ow” came from you as you sat on some of your pens. Kun let out an annoyed growl and pushed all of your studying material to the floor in one big sweep, lips connecting to yours once again and heading south to your neck.

“Oh, my god, Kun...” You breathed out, never expecting nice and quiet Kun to be doing any of the things you were doing now, but of course you were turned on by his behavior. “What has gotten into you?” Your words almost turned into moans as Kun found one spot on your neck that made you feel light and airy when he sucked on it. You pulled his lips back to yours, missing the feeling of them there but the feeling was short-lived.

“You said you wanted a treat…” He huffed out, his breath hitting your lips by the close proximity. “Do you not like it?” He asked, his confidence slowly left him and he started to realize what possible consequences his actions could have. Before his brain could create anymore doubt, you pushed him backwards and he landed on the chair you had been previously sitting in for the past few hours. He rolled away and you slid off the desk and grabbed his jean clad knees to stop the chair from moving any farther away. Before you answer him, your hands trailed up his thighs to his belt with your thumb grazing over his zipper. Kun breathed in and gripped onto the armrests at how easily your hands wandered. You used his belt loops to pull him closer to you, the chair rolling with him, as you lean into his ear.

“I love it.” You finally whisper and push his lips back onto yours, your hands going up to his shoulder to steady yourself while you straddle him in the chair and finish what he started.

[wantlongera]

✩ !!

send ‘✩’ for the following:

Disagreements:

Who is more likely to raise their voice? kai aka the SHOUTY manWho threatens to leave but never actually does? n OT dolores and yet ? idk, is that something kai does with dolores ? considering he’s like “wow she loves me? what’s This feeling i like it”Who actually keeps their word and leaves? again Not Dolores™Who trashes the house? KAI and then she fucking cleans it upDo either of them get physical? he did? grab her shoulders in that Angsty™ thread we have right?How often do they argue/disagree? honestly probably whenever kai is tired of dolores just? Agreeing to agree w/ whatever he says / whenever he’s like “how do you not realize im garbage yet”Who is the first to apologise? dolores aaaand i hate it!

Sex:

Who is on top? kaiWho is on the bottom? doloresWho has the strangest desires? ew kaiAny kinks? dolores’s are just to be Loved and Cherished™Who’s dominant in bed? kaiIs head ever in the equation? dolores is? Hesitant about bjs she thinks they’re nasty. but maybe? if it was his birthday and he begged (nasty and also? Pathetic) she might try. If so, who is better at performing it? kaiEver had sex in public? NO shes a classy ladyWho moans the most? probably dolores fahfjahjjhbaf she’s loudWho leaves the most marks? kaiWho screams the loudest? kaiWho is the more experienced of the two? kai bc she’s only had sex w/ one man before himDo they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’? make love mostly but there’s probably been a time or two it’s been a ‘fuck’ for him at leastRough or soft? both tbhHow long do they usually last? i can see them going for like, half an hourIs protection used? nahDoes it ever get boring? naaaah, kai’s there and i don’t think he’d ever let itWhere is the strangest place they’d have sex? the most dolores would be up for is like, maaaybe the car if it was parked in a place that was guaranteed not to be spotted or intruded

Family:

Do your muses plan on having children/or have children? oh god. unfortunately, yes.If so, how many children do your muses want/have? dolores wants like, four children, which means three of them would be kai’s and that terrifies me.Who is the favorite parent? dolores lmaoWho is the authoritative parent? kaiWho is more likely to allow the children to have a day off school? kaiWho lets the children indulge in sweets and junk food when the other isn’t around? kaiWho turns up to extra curricular activities to support their children? dolores def, and she drags kai whenever he’s freeWho goes to parent teacher interviews? kai probably got banned from them for yelling at the teacherWho changes the diapers? doloresWho gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? doloresWho spends the most time with the children? DOLORESWho packs their lunch boxes? doloresWho gives their children ‘the talk’? oh it’s gotta be kai tbhWho cleans up after the kids? doloresWho worries the most? doloresWho are the children more likely to learn their first swear word from? kai

Affection:

Who likes to cuddle? both! i remember you posting a headcanon that kai claims his territory by spooning fjaajfjnakfnjanjafWho is the little spoon? doloresWho gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places? k AIWho struggles to keep their hands to themself? kaiHow long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable? dolores can go for like, ever, so it’s whenever kai is like ‘i have to get up’.Who gives the most kisses? doloresWhat is their favourite non-sexual activity? cuddlingWhere is their favourite place to cuddle? what better place than bed tbhWho is more likely to playfully grope the other? oh god kaiHow often do they get time to themselves? the saddest thing is probably? not very much? he’s a busy man! he’s on city council (which probs meets like once a week like ok kai) but then he’s got his dumb cult shit going on so

Sleeping:

Who snores? dolores doesn’t, idk if kai does!If both do, who snores the loudest? n/aDo they share a bed or sleep separately? share a bed!If they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart? cozy up and you know itWho talks in their sleep? oh god i could see kai doing it if he’s having a nightmareWhat do they wear to bed? dolores wears this which? admittedly is not very sexyAre either of your muses insomniacs? i could see kai being one kjafnjkafnjkaCan sleeping pills be found by the bedside? no but kai has a MYRIAD of other pillsDo they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side? they’re full out SPOONINGWho wakes up with bed hair? oh god do i want to imagine kai’s greasy ass bed headWho wakes up first? depends on if kai sleeps that night probs. dolores wakes up relatively early though for work (five am babey).Who prepares breakfast in bed for the other? doloresWhat is their favourite sleeping position? spooning/cuddlingWho hogs the sheets? kaiDo they set an alarm each night? dolores doesCan a television be found in their bedroom? yesWho has nightmares? kaiWho has ridiculous dreams? kaiWho sprawls out and takes up most of the bed? kaiWho makes the bed? doloresWhat time is bed time? dolores goes to bet at like? nine.Any routines/rituals before bed? oooft dolores has a whole long ass beauty ritual before bed tbhWho’s the grumpiest when they wake up? kai

Work:

Who is the busiest? kaiWho rakes in the highest income? probably kaiAre any of your muses unemployed? nahWho takes the most sick days? neither tbhWho is more likely to turn up late to work? neitherWho sucks up to their boss?What are their jobs? kai is a councilman, dolores is a kindergarten teacherWho stresses the most? kaiDo your muses enjoy or despise their careers/occupations? dolores loves her job, kai seems to enjoy hisAre your muses financially stable? yes

Home:

Who does the washing? doloresWho takes out the trash? doloresWho does the ironing? doloresWho does the cooking? doloresWho is more likely to burn the house down just trying? kaiWho is messier? kaiWho leaves the toilet roll empty? kaiWho leaves their dirty clothes on the floor? kaiWho forgets to flush the toilet? kaiWho is the prankster around the house? eh neither tbhWho loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere? eh neitherWho mows the lawn? kaiWho answers the telephone? kaiWho does the vacuuming? doloresWho does the groceries? doloresWho takes the longest to shower? kai bc dolores takes bathsWho spends the most time in the bathroom? kai

Miscellaneous:

Is money a problem? noHow many cars do they own? two? i assume kai has a car? and dolores inherited leroy’s car after his death.Do they own their home or do they rent? ownDo they live near the coast or deep in the countryside? neitherDo they live in the city or in the country? cityDo they enjoy their surroundings? honestly dolores is pretty nervous living in town because of all the murdersWhat’s their song? n/a bc i haven’t thought of one ripWhat do they do when they’re away from each other? kai’s probably doing his councilman duties/his cult thing, dolores is either at home or at work during the dayWhere did they first meet? his houseHow did they first meet? dolores just knocked on his door uninvited like damn girlWho spends the most money when out shopping? kaiWho’s more likely to flash their assets? kaiWho finds it amusing when the other trips over? oh god hopefully neitherAny mental issues? Y E A H you have the time for a listWho’s terrified of bugs? doloresWho kills the spiders around the house? kaiTheir favourite place? probably their home tbhWho pays the bills? kaiDo they have any fears for their future? yesWho’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner? doloresWho uses up all of the hot water? doloresWho’s the tallest? kaiWho’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other? kaiWho wanders around in their underwear? kaiWho sings the loudest when singing along to the radio? kaiWho is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times? dolores but she would never say itDo they have mutual friends? kai has friends? tbf neither does doloresWho crushed first? kaiAny alcohol or substance related problems? oh ye, kai doesWho is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am? kaiWho swears the most? kai

[kizardofkoz]

The Eternal Pursuit of Emptiness

There I stood on top of the butte, with the closest of my people, and we humbly looked out over the sprawling desert. The landscape was like pieces of thrown pottery in fantastic and misshapen forms - rich shades of terra cotta, crimson and rust, and obviously, tears couldn’t help but fall, blazing small trails through the dust on my face. I couldn’t believe how fortunate I was. 

I was able to see this fraction of the kaleidoscope of nature. 

To be away with some of my favorite humans while I got to safely leave my absolute dearest ones at home with their grandparents. 

And I soaked in that dry west wind, whipping around us in warm gusts like ocean waves, leaves, and racing thoughts. 

My favorite three: 

1.) I call him my favorite. The man whose ring I wear, the father of my children, he yins my yang, tickles my brain and sometimes, when the timing is just right and we aren’t too tired, it isn’t too late or there isn’t something competing for our time on Netflix, we’ll occasionally play a round of some Chesterfield Rugby (PS - I just did a bit of a dive on some innuendos and my goodness. That is a really fun use of time. I can’t even write some of these but I am literally laughing right now. My mom reads this, you guys. And while I’ve [maybe?] worn her down a little on the curse words, I can’t go all in with the crass. 

Okay, fine. Just one: Harpooning the salty longshoreman. 

Fine, two: Nurtling. (I have no idea.) 

But I also feel it is unfair to not share Taking Grandma to Applebee’s? 

I’ve gotten off topic.

My other two loves on this trip are 

2.) My best girlfriend who I have had the honor of watching go through some of the best and absolute saddest experiences that I have humbly witnessed a human endure. And she navigated it all, and continues to go through life with a steadiness, focus, and motivation that is inspiring, still and sparkling. She has helped me move apartments, paint new walls when we moved into our first house, and paint the baseboards of those same walls on her morning off when we were selling that same house. She is fiercely dependable, loyal, she is the best damn person to travel with as she is equal parts responsible, adventurous and is a Type-A likes to research and plan things kind of gal where I’m more of the Type-B, let’s just dive in and see how we land type. We once held hands and jumped off the neighbors high dive on their dock on a girls lake trip very late one night. We’ve been to countless shows together. Gotten tattoos together. She’s one of the first people to hold my babies after they have been born and I can always count on her to order dessert. Her closet is the kind people pine after and she makes the best damn chocolate chip cookie you’ve ever eaten. She’s also married to my third person. 

3.) He is silly and kind and we have a podcast that we will some day launch, divulging our joint fascination with spooky things that make us light up and nervous laugh and open another beer as he tries to convince me that Yeti’s exist while I try to convince him to sing in church. We once started the idea of a band called “The Huggers and the Cryers” after drinking too much brandy on one of the very few New Years Eve’s that I was neither pregnant nor nursing a baby. Because he and I hug easily and love to cry. 

And don’t worry, I was back at babying the following year. Did you think I was going to go over 2 years and not have another boy? (Spoiler alert - NOT ANY MORE!!! And like, really for real, real. Grateful for IUD’s (and Steve’s eventual vasectomy) and for the four hilarious, adorable, wild, curious, loving and messy pups that we have now. 

But we have to stop. 

It’s like animal print. 

You have to find that fine balance between tasteful and too much. And unfortunately, a lot of times, a person doesn’t realize it is too much animal print, but everyone else does. This is my way of inviting an intervention if you see me starting to itch in the next few months. This is usually when we start Playing with the Box the Kid Came In (you guys, there are so damn many) so, you all have a responsibility, okay? Okay!

I have 100% gotten off topic.

Anyways.

The four of us did a smaller, summit hike on our last morning in Sedona this past month. (All of the couples of our closest tribe were invited to [crash] another couple’s 10-year anniversary trip. Three of us couples were able to swing it. And it was glorious. And very, very dry. And responsibly alcoholy.) 

So I was sitting near the edge of this butte and allowed myself to absorb the moment and then a vision came to me. (Yes, God gives me visions at times. And I also hear God at others. And I know how this makes me sound, and I have also quit caring because I believe if you are blessed enough to experience gifts like these, then you should be brave enough to admit it.) And in my minds’ eye, I saw a big teardrop shape, that was beautifully empty. 

Clear. Serene. Vacant.

And I exhaled and prayed and breathed deeply. I knew what God was telling me. That empty teardrop was empty of all worldly possessions and distractions, and in their absence, full and content. It was God in me. And I saw how I try to fill this tear drop with *all the things*; New siding, new shirts, new speakers and shoes, and magazines and schedules and technology and sports teams and equipment for sports teams and how these things pile on each other - at times inadvertently and other times compulsively and intentionally - and they become the main focus of my mind and my heart until they fill up and pile into this precious teardrop and the only part of the emptiness left is the space between all of the things.

The only part that is open and available for God, for contentment, or peace, is the space between.

The remainder.

And it is jagged and small and inconsistent.

Ironically, I try to complete my life with the things that I think make me happy, fulfilled and satisfied. Yet they are the exact things that end up taking away time, space and energy from the peace and contentment that is only truly felt when there is the empty space and quiet to focus on God.

So I exhaled and released it all. 

And I felt these earthly desires disappear and dissipate as I reclaimed that space, my sacred emptiness, that is so important to me. That is so important to God. And it was so easy, there on top of the warm rocks, accompanied by cactuses and bushes and my people and vortexes.

It is not easy, however, to empty myself in real life.

I tend to equate emptiness with negativity. 

Void of love, experience, calories, energy, connection.

But this spiritual cleansing is what I have needed for so long, and I forget to prioritize it. To protect it. 

This is the emptiness that allows space for *just being*. Breathing. For feeling God’s presence and consequently, the lack of desire for all of the other things that I constantly seek to fill that emptiness. 

A hollow holiness.

An exhale.

In church on Sunday our pastor spoke of spiritual vulnerability and the importance of confession. 

Ho.ly. Shit.

Where does one start?

Selfishness - in my marriage, in my relationships, with my time, with my children, with our money, with friendships, with my food and drink even. 

Materialism - wanting and focusing on all of the tangible, unimportant *things* of the world like new light fixtures, workout clothing, wall paper, throw pillows, hats, patio furniture, the perfect summer jean, the perfect front door mat, more peel and stick wallpaper, vacuums, planters, kids clothing, kids shoes, running shoes, house shoes, *let’s get some shoes*, drapes, ceiling fans, office chairs, boujee hand soaps, expensive skin care, swim suits & pianos. 

Gossip - Why is this so tempting??? I really try not to. I don’t really think I do. Much. And gossip isn’t like what it was when we were in middle or high school. But how tempting is it when there is a conversation about the neighborhood happening and you have hot insider information on why there isn’t a sidewalk on the neighboring street? How does one just go about their day and not share this with the person ringing up their fro-yo? I did not. Yet. Likely.

Lack of faith - Why does God keep expecting me to use faith if we both know I have it and used it last year?

Hypocrisy - Vomit. Where do we begin? Ughhkckhgh.

I would rather listen to podcasts about murder than the bible or deepening my faith. 

I focus way too much on my body and physical appearance.

I focus too much on how I want everybody to like me and if I feel like someone isn’t a Kiley-person, I obsess over it and get weird and needy and in my head and I shouldn’t really care if this person four rings out of my circle really cares about me and finds me kind, selfless and charming. But hopefully she thinks I’m a good dresser? *I AM ROLLING MY OWN EYES SO HARD RIGHT NOW*

I focus way too much on money and how we don’t have *enough-ish* even though we absolutely, 100% do have enough (non-ish) and will I ever be content and secure in this area?

I focus on what other people are doing with their time, money, lives and am left feeling jealous, angry and exhausted.

I focus on all of the things that take up residency in my teardrop, and I pray for God to take them away. For God to please forgive me for putting so much energy toward the unimportant instead of focusing the things God really wants for me:

Love. 

Self Acceptance.

Peace. 

Creativity. 

Meaningful relationships.

Connection with the divine.

Connection with my children.

More God.

Less stuff.

Less stress.

Emptiness. 

Contentment.

Enlightenment.

*Someone spent some time in the desert, can you tell?*

So I confess all of these things, yet again, to God, and to you all. And I pray that God will help me remember my desire for emptiness. To remember the importance, the value and treasure of emptying myself so I can fill it up with God’s love. With contentment. With peace.

So I can have extra time and energy to focus on the important things.

Like the eternal pursuit of emptiness.

Or for my husband and I to get to know each other better. In the biblical sense.

A terrifying and beautiful hike that sealed friendships in gold and red rock dust. We followed this 3-4 hour hike with breakfast and beers at a local, hole in the wall diner and it was my favorite meal of the entire weekend. And cheapest. I JUST REMEMBERED I HAVEN’T UNPACKED MY CRYSTALS YET!!!

Here’s my people. The hubs, and best friends Nicole & Brian. I don’t care if they don’t want their names shared. We have a constant google calendar invite to go to visit Big Sur every fall. We just keep putting it off but it makes me smile when I have to go to October in my calendar and book something.:) Some day.

I did yoga on the top of this thing like a gosh damn stereotypical basic B. But it was wonderful. But I also felt if I looked up during any balancing poses I would fall over, roll off the top and die. So I decided to look down a live. I’m a mom now so I make different decisions than I used to. 

This is just an awesome photo of summer. This was a couple weekends ago. We live down the street from the guy who used to be our entertainment lawyer for our old band. Now we have playdates on Friday nights and order pizza and drink craft beefs and our kids play together. And it’s awesome.

And this is just Keps eating pizza while getting wet from the general mist of the hose and water fights going on around him. I love this photo so much.

Surfs up, friends.

[letstrysomefanfic]

I Thought We Already Weren’t PART 3 (Peter Parker x Reader Angst)

Request: anonymous asked: Ooh I love angst!! Can you do something where the reader has a huge crush on peter but he likes Liz and he asks her out on date and he asks the reader for help with everything so she basically plans the whole thing for him and he keeps saying things like “wow ur such a good friend” and out of jealousy she asks Flash on a date and they start to go out and Peter says he’s not good enough for her and they get into a huge argument and deicde it’s better if they stop being friends…

Word Count: 1,772

Warnings: angst... lot’s of it 

A/N: So wow i gotta admit this one’s gotta be the saddest i think out of all the parts haha sorry (not sorry) and hey, if you want, it hurts more if you listen to ‘Amnesia’ by 5SOS (just a thought, if you’re into feeling rly sad whilst reading this). But wow thanks so much to all those who’re enjoying this request-oneshot-turned-series! I’m soooooo glad you guys are loving it cuz i’m having such a ball writing it! ❤️❤️ So anyway I think I’m gonna be doing one last part after this, cuz i have such a great way of ending it, i think but more on that later ;} (also i didn’t edit or proofread this really so sorry for grammar lol)

again, anon, if you’re out there THANK YOU for this request ❤️❤️

Part 1   Part 2   Part 4

“Helloooo? Earth to Peter…” Liz summoned Peter from his deep thoughts about what Flash could possibly try to do tonight to ‘wow you’. He jerked his head toward her, off his propped up forearm.

“Sorry,” he stammered. “What were you saying again?”

“I was just asking what you got for number four ‘cause my equation looks different from yours…” Liz looked at him with concern. “Are you okay?” she whispered.

“Hm? Yeah yeah, no yeah I’m good,” he squeaked. Crap he thought.

“Are you sure, Peter? Because you’ve been—”

“Liz, I’m fine,” he snapped. She withdrew a little, eyebrows still furrowed with worry. Peter immediately regretted speaking so sharply; he knew she was only worried and wasn’t trying to be annoying. But every time he was with her he felt guilty. He would spend the entire time in her company trying to force himself to not feel that way, or at least figure out why; but he just couldn’t.

“Okay, come on,” she grabbed ahold of Peter’s wrist firmly and led them away from their library table.

“What—where’re we going?”

Liz led them up the stairs, through the science wing, up the narrow fire escape stairway, until they finally hit open air. She leaned back on an AC unit, and even though her arms were crossed, her face was soft and expectant.

“Look, I know I’m not supposed to push and stuff if you don’t want to tell me what’s going on,” she began. “But, Peter, you gotta give me something! You have to talk to me.”

“W—What?” he stammered. “We are talking, what do you mean I don’t want to tell you what’s going on? Nothing’s going on…”

Liz cocked her head at him, “Nothing going on? Peter, you haven’t been yourself lately, and it’s making me kinda worried.”

Peter hung his head. The last time he had a conversation about him not being himself still stung potent in his mind. The last thing he wanted now was for this discussion to end up like the last one.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been myself lately,” he pleaded. “I just… honestly just… I… I don’t know what’s going on with me, like I’m trying to figure it out but I just can’t and—” Peter faltered when he saw Liz’s eyes. The worry was hidden behind a deep sadness that he didn’t even know could be seen through someone’s eyes. “What?” he shakily asked.

“I know what’s going on with you, Peter,” Liz whispered. “And I think you know it too, but you don’t want to admit it. God, this sucks,” she muttered. She glanced up, blinking rapidly, trying to put back the tears that were forming against her will. “But that’s what makes you all the more so… so… so good and this so fucking hard.”

Peter couldn’t even speak. He could feel his old friend, guilt, clawing up his stomach and latching onto his chest. He knew what was coming, and he knew why, but he didn’t want to believe it. Part of him wanted what was coming too, but not like this. No, this was going to hurt too much.

Liz took a shaky breath, “I know you haven’t been hanging around Ned and (Y/N) as much. I know you and (Y/N), had like this… this falling out kinda thing. I know you haven’t been the same since that. I know you see me differently now, even though you try so hard to fight against it and not show it, and for that, Peter, thank you. Because I know that that’s so hard to do.

“But I also know how you look at her—don’t feel guilty; you can’t help it. You know you can’t keep a secret to save your life. It’s also just one of those things no one can help or hide. I’ve seen the way you look at her, Peter. It’s okay,” she uncrossed her arms and gripped Peter’s shoulders. His eyes were welling up as well, no matter how hard he clenched his throat or bit his lip. “That way you look at her, Peter? You used to look at me just like that, when you thought I wouldn’t notice. Well, there was less sadness in your eyes then, but considering all things now…”

Peter regretted that what she was saying was true. It was every little thing that had gone through his mind these past couple weeks, but refused to truly believe. He wished it didn’t have to be like this. There had to have been some other way this could’ve played out where no one was crying, where no one was regretting anything.

The only thing he could muster out was a small, “I’m sorry…”

Liz pulled him into a hug. For the first time in weeks, this one didn’t feel empty. Peter didn’t feel distant or like he wanted it to be over so it wouldn’t feel awkward. This was a hug he didn’t want to step away from because it felt real.

“I know,” she whispered. “But I don’t want to be part of the reason you’re not happy.” They stood there, softly holding each other for what they knew was probably the last time. “I just regret not asking sooner. I can’t imagine what it must be like, carrying that around with you all this time…”

“You don’t deserve this,” Peter mumbled into her hair. He felt her exhale a chuckle.

“Yeah, but,” she pulled away, looking down, “life isn’t really about deserving, is it?”

Peter echoed her movements, anxiously twiddling his fingers as Liz began to walk back to the exit.

“Just promise me, you guys’ll both figure it out, okay?” she called back. Peter looked up at her, forcing himself to nod. Liz’s lips pursed into a bittersweet smile, and she turned and shut the door behind her, leaving a physically, mentally, and emotionally numb Peter.

Sightings of Spiderman had doubled within these last few weeks, and the crime rate dropping by nearly the same amount. Many were applauding his productivity, wondering how Queen’s local hero had become so efficient and driven lately.

But you and Ned knew why. It was his distraction. Like those Flash dates had been for you. At least Peter’s was more constant and fulfilling than just your two hours every week.

It wasn’t like the hot air balloon lunch upstate wasn’t completely distracting, or the early screening of some new movie Flash was into (seriously impressive, you had to admit). They worked, but just for a short while. And once you really thought about it, you found that you felt worse afterward than you did before. You were just reminded of how you were trying oh so hard to forget the main reason you were doing those dates in the first place. It was like how you try so hard to forget something that you end up having it come to mind more.

Once Peter and Liz ended things, it didn’t stop your pain. But it did make you realize what you were doing was pointless. So you ended it. Not like Flash cared much anyway. But why make Peter suffer anymore than he was already. He didn’t need the weight of seeing you with Flash, added on to his guilt and sadness from Liz, crushing him more. 

“So what do you wanna watch now?” Ned asked, scrolling through the menu.

“I’m cool with anything really.”

As he selected ‘Ferris Buller’s Day Off’, he passed you the popcorn bowl. “So… have you talked to Peter yet?” he tried to ask lightly and casually.

You sighed, “You know I haven’t.”

Ned turned to you, his voice dropping into a more serious tone. “I think it’s about time you guys face this head on, you know? Confront it. Confront him. Well maybe not confront him, but at least talk to him—”

“Honestly, Ned, I think I’m just gonna feel a whole lot shittier if I do that.”

“Well I can’t keep being the mediator between you two! Honestly I always feel like I have to evenly split my time between you two, running from one end of school to the other just to hang with my two best friends, who don’t even want to talk to each other!”

“You know you don’t have to do that, Ned.”

“I know but I do anyway. ‘Cause I love you guys and if I can do anything to help you guys be happy, I will! So, that’s why I’m saying you guys need to talk.”

“I don’t even know if he’s ready, you know? To talk? I mean it’s only been like what? Two weeks since, you know... That’s not that long—”

“Pretty sure he is now.”

“‘Pretty sure’?”

Ned glanced up from his phone. “Almost positive,” he assured.

You stared at the floor, contemplating whether it was worth it to or not to reopen that wound. You knew you both knew that you had hurt the other. What you didn’t know was whether you were ready to admit why. Why you were hurt in the first place, why you hurt him in return.

Suddenly the bed lurched as Ned leapt off of it, jerking you out of your head. “Sorry, I uh—,” he stumbled to shove his feet back in his shoes. “—I gotta go, I just remembered my mom set a new curfew, so… yeah.”

“What?” your brows furrowed. “Since when?”

“Since now, apparently?”

“What?”

“Sorry, (Y/N)! Enjoy Ferris Buller without me, I’ll see you Monday!” he sped out your door.

“Okay…? Bye?”

As your front door slammed shut with a loud BANG, you pulled out your phone and texted Ned to let you know when he got home. Reading the clock’s display of 10:41, you found it odd that Ned would suddenly barge out like that. You figured you could interrogate him on it back in school, so you laid back and started to scroll through your phone. As early as it was, you found yourself dozing off. Your eyes had just fluttered closed when—

*tap tap tap*

You bolted up, eyelids heavy, not sure if you had really heard it. Grabbing the remote, you shut the TV and listened again. Nothing. Beside you, your phone buzzed and you read Ned’s message.

You up still? it read.

Yeah why???? you replied.

No later had you hit the send button did you hear the window tapping again. You were sure it was real this time, and your body automatically responded faster than your mind did. Throwing the curtains back and raising the window, your heart beat up to your brain. You had no idea where this was going to take you. As you saw those fluffy brown curls amongst the scarlet and blue, your breath caught.

“Hey.”

Tags

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[babakziai]

          ONE From Sappho to myself, consider the fate of women. How unwomanly to discuss it! Like a noose or an albatross necktie    The clinical sobriquet hangs us: codpiece coveters. Never mind these epithets; I myself have collected some honeys.    Juvenal set us apart in denouncing our vices Which had grown, in part, from having been set apart: Women abused their spouses, cuckolded them, even plotted    To poison them. Sensing, behind the violence of his manner— “Think I’m crazy or drunk?”—his emotional stake in us,    As we forgive Strindberg and Nietzsche, we forgive all those    Who cannot forget us. We are hyenas. Yes, we admit it. While men have politely debated free will, we have howled for it,    Howl still, pacing the centuries, tragedy heroines. Some who sat quietly in the corner with their embroidery Were Defarges, stabbing the wool with the names of their ancient    Oppressors, who ruled by the divine right of the male— I’m impatient of interruptions! I’m aware there were millions    Of mutes for every Saint Joan or sainted Jane Austen, Who, vague-eyed and acquiescent, worshiped God as a man.    I’m not concerned with those cabbageheads, not truly feminine    But neutered by labor. I mean real women, like you and like me. Freed in fact, not in custom, lifted from furrow and scullery,    Not obliged, now, to be the pot for the annual chicken,    Have we begun to arrive in time? With our well-known    Respect for life because it hurts so much to come out with it;    Disdainful of “sovereignty,” “national honor;” and other abstractions; We can say, like the ancient Chinese to successive waves of invaders,    “Relax, and let us absorb you. You can learn temperance    In a more temperate climate.” Give us just a few decades    Of grace, to encourage the fine art of acquiescence    And we might save the race. Meanwhile, observe our creative chaos,    Flux, efflorescence—whatever you care to call it!          TWO I take as my theme “The Independent Woman,” Independent but maimed: observe the exigent neckties    Choking violet writers; the sad slacks of stipple-faced matrons;    Indigo intellectuals, crop-haired and callus-toed, Cute spectacles, chewed cuticles, aced out by full-time beauties    In the race for a male. Retreating to drabness, bad manners,    And sleeping with manuscripts. Forgive our transgressions    Of old gallantries as we hitch in chairs, light our own cigarettes,    Not expecting your care, having forfeited it by trying to get even. But we need dependency, cosseting, and well-treatment.    So do men sometimes. Why don’t they admit it?    We will be cows for a while, because babies howl for us,    Be kittens or bitches, who want to eat grass now and then    For the sake of our health. But the role of pastoral heroine    Is not permanent, Jack. We want to get back to the meeting. Knitting booties and brows, tartars or termagants, ancient    Fertility symbols, chained to our cycle, released Only in part by devices of hygiene and personal daintiness,    Strapped into our girdles, held down, yet uplifted by man’s    Ingenious constructions, holding coiffures in a breeze,    Hobbled and swathed in whimsy, tripping on feminine    Shoes with fool heels, losing our lipsticks, you, me, In ephemeral stockings, clutching our handbags and packages. Our masks, always in peril of smearing or cracking, In need of continuous check in the mirror or silverware,    Keep us in thrall to ourselves, concerned with our surfaces.    Look at man’s uniform drabness, his impersonal envelope!    Over chicken wrists or meek shoulders, a formal, hard-fibered assurance.    The drape of the male is designed to achieve self-forgetfulness. So, Sister, forget yourself a few times and see where it gets you:    Up the creek, alone with your talent, sans everything else. You can wait for the menopause, and catch up on your reading.    So primp, preen, prink, pluck, and prize your flesh, All posturings! All ravishment! All sensibility! Meanwhile, have you used your mind today? What pomegranate raised you from the dead, Springing, full-grown, from your own head, Athena?          THREE          I will speak about women of letters, for I’m in the racket.    Our biggest successes to date? Old maids to a woman. And our saddest conspicuous failures? The married spinsters    On loan to the husbands they treated like surrogate fathers.    Think of that crew of self-pitiers, not-very-distant, Who carried the torch for themselves and got first-degree burns.    Or the sad sonneteers, toast-and-teasdales we loved at thirteen;    Middle-aged virgins seducing the puerile anthologists    Through lust-of-the-mind; barbiturate-drenched Camilles    With continuous periods, murmuring softly on sofas    When poetry wasn’t a craft but a sickly effluvium,    The air thick with incense, musk, and emotional blackmail. I suppose they reacted from an earlier womanly modesty    When too many girls were scabs to their stricken sisterhood,    Impugning our sex to stay in good with the men, Commencing their insecure bluster. How they must have swaggered    When women themselves endorsed their own inferiority!    Vestals, vassals, and vessels, rolled into several, They took notes in rolling syllabics, in careful journals,    Aiming to please a posterity that despises them. But we’ll always have traitors who swear that a woman surrenders    Her Supreme Function, by equating Art with aggression    And failure with Femininity. Still, it’s just as unfair To equate Art with Femininity, like a prettily packaged commodity    When we are the custodians of the world’s best-kept secret:    Merely the private lives of one-half of humanity. But even with masculine dominance, we mares and mistresses    Produced some sleek saboteuses, making their cracks Which the porridge-brained males of the day were too thick to perceive, Mistaking young hornets for perfectly harmless bumblebees. Being thought innocuous rouses some women to frenzy;    They try to be ugly by aping the ways of men And succeed. Swearing, sucking cigars and scorching the bedspread, Slopping straight shots, eyes blotted, vanity-blown In the expectation of glory: she writes like a man! This drives other women mad in a mist of chiffon. (One poetess draped her gauze over red flannels, a practical feminist.) But we’re emerging from all that, more or less, Except for some ladylike laggards and Quarterly priestesses    Who flog men for fun, and kick women to maim competition.    Now, if we struggle abnormally, we may almost seem normal; If we submerge our self-pity in disciplined industry; If we stand up and be hated, and swear not to sleep with editors; If we regard ourselves formally, respecting our true limitations    Without making an unseemly show of trying to unfreeze our assets;    Keeping our heads and our pride while remaining unmarried;    And if wedded, kill guilt in its tracks when we stack up the dishes And defect to the typewriter. And if mothers, believe in the luck of our children, Whom we forbid to devour us, whom we shall not devour, And the luck of our husbands and lovers, who keep free women. Carolyn Kizer, “Pro Femina” from Cool, Calm, and Collected: Poems 1960-2000. Copyright © 2001 by Carolyn Kizer. Reprinted with the permission of Copper Canyon Press, P. O. Box 271, Port Townsend, WA 98368-0271, http://ift.tt/KOngNq. Source: Cool Calm and Collected: Poems 1960-2000(Copper Canyon Press, 2001) Carolyn Kizer BiographyMore poems by this author Poem of the Day: Pro Femina Poem of the Day: Pro Femina Poem of The Day {$excerpt:n} Source: Poem of The Day

http://babakziai.org/poem-of-the-day-pro-femina/

[mirkwoodshewolf]

Chapter 3; The Sokovia Accords

Here begins the strain that starts out between the Avengers and we see one of the most saddest moments in Marvel history so for any Steggy shippers out there will need tissues on hand. Enjoy my lovelies :)

_____________________________________________

We were all gathered in the meeting room next to the kitchen and we were all sitting at the table and there stood Secretary Ross with his guards surrounding the four corners of the room.

“Five years ago, I had a heart attack,” he then made a golfer’s swing pose as he continued, “And dropped right in the middle of my backswing. Turned out it was the best run of my life because after 13 hours of surgery and a triple bypass, I found something 40 years in the army had never taught me. Perspective”.  

Wow okay so that’s a cool story but what’s the real reason you’re here Mr. Secretary or did you just come here to tell us about how you almost keeled over 5 years ago. I had wanted to say but I’d rather keep that to myself and not get in trouble.

“The world owes the Avengers an unpayable debt, you have fought for us. Protected us. Risked your lives. But while a great many people see you as heroes, there are some who would prefer the world vigilantes”.

“And what word would you use Mr. Secretary?” asked Natasha.

“How about dangerous? What would you call a group of US based, enhanced individuals…who routinely ignore sovereign borders and inflict their will wherever they choose and who frankly seem unconcerned about what they leave behind?” 

Secretary Ross soon stepped aside and the screen soon digitalized itself into a world globe map with certain points picked out around the world.

“New York,” soon video footage of the New York attack from when Loki had brought an alien army upon the city.  Guns were heard firing, people running and screaming in fear and the Hulk jumping from building to building roaring as debris fell to the ground.  “Washington DC,” the footage changed to the day when both SHIELD AND HYDRA fell apart with the Helicarriers over the Lincoln Memorial.

People screaming and as one Helicarrier fell into the lake, the water surged up and began to wash people away.

“Sokovia”.  Soon the image changed to a year ago when Sokovia was attacked by Ultron.  People screaming and an image of half of the city being lifted up into the air, and buildings coming down.  My heart sunk and I closed my eyes trying to hold in my tears from even remembering that day.  “Lagos” and to add more salt to the wound, we were shown what had happened a month ago when Rumlow’s suicide attempt failed thanks to Wanda but in the end people died. 

The video showed police carrying out the dead or trying to help people covered from head to toe in debris and it showed just how frightened some of these people were in the aftermath.  I turned to Wanda to see her turning away when I snarled. 

“Alright! We get it!” Ross nodded to his guard to shut off the image as he stated.

“For the past four years you’ve operated with unlimited power and no supervision. That’s an arrangement the governments of the world can no long tolerate. But I think we have a solution,” it was then one of his guards handed him a very large thick book and he gave it to me as he continued, “The Sokovia Accords.”

I looked at it as well as Wanda over my shoulder before I slid it over to Rhodey as Secretary Ross explained the Accords to us.

“Approved by 117 countries, it states that the Avengers shall no longer be a private organization, instead; they’ll operate under the supervision of a United Nations panel, only when and if that panel deems it necessary”. 

“The Avengers were formed to make the world a safer place, I feel we’ve done that” said Steve.

“Tell me Captain, do you know where Thor and Banner are right now? If I placed a couple of 30 megaton nukes, you can bet there’d be consequences. Compromise. Reassurance. That’s how the world works, believe me, this is the middle ground” he said gesturing to the book at his last statement.

“So, there are contingencies?” asked Rhodey.

“Three days from now, the UN meets in Vienna to ratify the accords. Talk it over”.  As he and his guards took their leave Natasha spoke up.

“And if we come to a decision you don’t like?”

“Then you retire” Secretary Ross stated plain and simple.

After Secretary Ross left the facility, we were now all gathered in the kitchen/dining room area.  I was in my wolf form in my bed that Tony had custom made for me while everyone was sitting on either a couch or chair except for Rhodey and Sam who were arguing with each other behind Steve who was reading the accords.

“Secretary Ross has a Congressional Medal of Honor, which is one more than you have”.

“So let’s say we agree to this thing, how long is it gonna be before the LoJack us like a bunch of common criminals?” demanded Sam.

“117 countries want to sign this. 117 Sam and you’re just like ‘No, that’s cool, we got is’”.

“How long are you gonna play both sides?!”

“I have an equation” stated Vision.

“Oh, this will clear it up” stated Sam sarcastically.

“In the eight years since Mr. Stark announced himself as Iron-Man, the number of known enhanced persons as grown exponentially. And during the same period, the number of potentially world-ending events has risen to a commensurate rate”.

“Are you saying it’s our fault?” asked Steve but Vision continued with his professor analysis.

“I’m saying there may be a causality. Our very strength invites challenge, challenge incites conflict, and conflict—breeds catastrophe. Oversight…oversight is not an idea that can be dismissed out of hand”.

“Boom” stated Rhodey.

“Tony, you are being uncharacteristically non-hyperverbal” stated Natasha.

“It’s because he’s already made up his mind” said Steve.

“Boy you know me so well,” Tony spat out sarcastically at Steve.  He slowly stood up as he gripped his head and stood up and walked towards the kitchen. “Actually, I’m nursing an electromagnetic headache. That’s what’s going on Cap, it’s just pain. It’s discomfort. Who’s putting coffee grounds in the disposal?” Tony exclaimed.

At that statement my ears lowered slowly.  I mean I didn’t having grounds end up in my coffee so I just thought dumping them there would be fine, no one says it’s a bad thing right?

“Am I running a bed and Breakfast for a Biker gang?” Thank god he didn’t look directly at me to see I was the culprit. He just took out his tablet and pulled up a picture of a boy around my age maybe a year or two older.  “Oh that’s Charles Spencer by the way, he’s a great kid. Computer engineering degree, 3.6 GPA, had a floor-level gig at Intel for the fall. But first, he wanted to put a few miles on his soul… before he parked it behind a desk. See the world. Maybe be of service. Charlie didn’t want to go to Vegas or Fort Lauderdale which is what I would’ve done, he didn’t want to go to Paris or Amsterdam which sounds fun, he decided to spend his summer building sustainable housing for the poor guess where Sokovia!” 

I lowered my head solemnly and let out a small whimper because suddenly I began to recall seeing him around Sokovia as Bad Wolf building houses for the poor people, he even once made me a house to live in before we found Mr. Bobinsky to take me, Wanda and her brother in.

“Oh so he helped you out too huh Little Red? That’s good because I assume he wanted to make a difference I suppose I mean we wouldn’t know because we dropped a building on him while we were kicking ass”.

Tony took a moment to drink his coffee before deeply sighing and he finally stated his side of the argument.

“There’s no decision-making process here. We need to be put in check, whatever form that takes, I’m game. If we can’t accept limitations, we’re boundary-less, we’re no better than the bad guys”.

“Tony, someone dies on your watch, you don’t give up”.

“Who said we’re giving up?”

“We are if we’re not taking responsibility for our actions. This document just shifts the blame”.

“I’m sorry, Steve. That is dangerously arrogant. This is the United Nations we’re talking about. It’s not the World Security Council, it’s not SHIELD, it’s not HYDRA”.

“No but its run by people with agendas and agendas change”.

“That’s good. That’s why I’m here. When I realized what my weapons were capable in the wrong hands, I shut it down and stopped manufacturing”.

“Tony you chose to do that. If we sign this, we surrender our right to choose. What if this panel sends us somewhere we don’t think we should go? What if there’s somewhere we need to go and they don’t let us?” 

“(Y/n) you haven’t even said a single word about this whole thing, why don’t you tell us what you think?” Rhodey said to me. Everyone soon turned to look at me. I stood up and as I walked I began to phase back into my human form and I said as I sat beside Wanda.

“I’ve always gone along with the group, even if it wasn’t really the best decision to make. But like Steve said, what if there is somewhere we need to go and they don’t let us? Humans are always stubborn and above all else stupid, they think they can destroy anything by building bigger guns, that’s why there’s always war. More people die from their own stupidity than anything else, but with us we give them the right to go back to their families from a fight they don’t deserve to be in in the first place. We may not be perfect, but the safest hands are still our own”. 

“But (n/n), if we don’t do this now, it’s gonna be done to us later. That’s the fact, that won’t be pretty”.

“You’re saying they’ll come for me?” asked Wanda.

“We would protect you” said Vision.

“Maybe Tony’s right” stated Natasha.  Tony, Sam and Steve turned to Nat as she continued, “If we have one hand on the wheel we can still steer. If we take it off,”

“Aren’t you the same woman who told the government to kiss her ass a few years ago?” stated Sam.

“I’m just—I’m reading the terrain. We have made some very public mistakes, we need to win their trust back”.

“Focus up I’m sorry—did I just mishear you…or did you agree with me?”

“Oh I wanna take it back now”.

“No, no, no you can’t retract it thank you unprecedented. Okay, Case close, I win”.

“I have to go” said Steve suddenly and he rushed out of the room.  My instincts were telling me to go after him so I stood up and followed behind Steve but didn’t let him know I was behind him.  He stopped at the middle of the stairway so I just stood a stairwell above him and watched him pinch the bridge of his nose and heard him sniffling out and I could smell the salt of tears running down his face. 

I was currently packing up for the funeral of Peggy Carter in London since I had told Steve that I wanted to come along with him to give him moral support.  As I was finishing up my packing, Tony knocked at my door and said.

“You got a second?”

“Not really but I have a feeling you’re not gonna give me much choice now are you?” I teased.  For the past year since I had met Tony, he and I have this little head-butting thing that we do, we tease each other, sometimes blackmail to get the other to do what we want stuff like that but it’s all out of love in the end.

“Now I will take into consideration what you had said earlier about the accords, but are you sure there’s nothing else I can do to change your mind”.

“Afraid not Tony”.

“Not even if I threatened to share this video of you with your stuffed teddy bear on Instagram?”

“Especially if you did that, plus that’d make me even more Instagram famous, I already have about 9 thousand followers, you do that and I’ll have more followers than you”.

“In your dreams Little Red,” Tony then took me in a hug and he whispered in my ear. “I just hope you made the right choice, cause if you choose his side, I can’t protect you anymore”.

“Oh like you didn’t when I first became Bad Wolf?”

“Dick move there Maximoff, but I really am sorry about that, about everything HYDRA has done to you, I do wish I could take it away from you”.

“I know, now I’ve gotta meet Sam, Nat and Steve upstairs on the jet”.  I then grabbed my suitcase and headed up to the roof and boarded the jet and we were all headed off to the funeral in London. 

At the church, Steve was one of the few lucky men to carry Peggy’s casket down the aisle as the choir sung their hymn but even as I watched him, I knew that this was not how Steve wanted to imagine Peggy walking down the aisle in a church filled with so many people who knew her. The head mourner spoke into the microphone.

“And now, I would like to invite Sharon Carter to come up and say a few words”. Sharon Carter otherwise known as Agent 13 to SHIELD soon came up onto the stand and Sam gently nudged Steve and softly gestured with his head as we all looked up to her and she began to speak.

“Margaret Carter was known to most as the founder of SHIELD, but I just knew her as Aunt Peggy,” at that statement Steve’s eyes turned to shock as Sharon continued on with her speech, “She had a photograph in her office, Aunt Peggy standing next to JFK. As a kid that was pretty cool, but it was a lot to live up to, which is why I never told anyone we were related. I asked her once how she managed to master diplomacy and espionage in a time when no one wanted to see a woman succeed at either. And she said compromise where you can, but where you can’t, don’t. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong, is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move, it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye and say ‘No. You move’”.

After the ceremony and the burial, Steve went back into the church and when Nat started to follow him, I grabbed her arm and said. 

“Hey Nat, can I try?” She looked at me and softly smiled and said.

“Sure thing wolfie, I’ll be here waiting for you guys should you choose to come out”. I nodded to her then I walked back inside the church to see Steve staring up at a young Peggy Carter’s picture, back in WW2.  

As I walked towards Steve and he heard me walking towards him, he began to explain to me.

“When I came out of the ice, I thought everyone I had known was gone. Then I found out that she was alive—I was just lucky to have her”.

“She had you back too” I stated with a soft smile.

“Who else signed?” He wanted to know about the accords.  I thought about it quickly and stated out the names.

“Tony, Rhodey, and Vis”.

“Clint?”

“Old man’s finally retired” I teased.

“Your sister?”

“Mama Bear’s in the cage. Nat told me to tell you that she’s off to Vienna for the signing of the accords, says there’s plenty of room on the jet”. Steve sighed softly and I looked at him solemnly. “Just because it’s the path of least resistance doesn’t mean it’s the wrong path. Staying together as a pack is more important that how the pack stays together”.

“What are we giving up to do it?” Steve asked me. Silence remained between the two of us before he stated sadly, “I’m sorry (n/n) I can’t sign it”.

“I know, I’m not either I thought I made that clear back at the facility”.

“Well then what are you doing here?” I swallowed my sobs and choked out softly.

“I’m the one person who knows what it feels like to see the person you love die before them”.  We both looked at each other with tears then I softly told him, “Come here Alpha dog”. I brought him close to me and we hugged each other letting our tears come out letting it all out.

[onestowatch]

REI AMI Is the Saddest, Baddest Bitch [Q&A]

The first time I came across REI AMI it was not through a well-intentioned pitch e-mail or by way of an eerily well-calculated Spotify algorithm. It was during an interview with FINNEAS, the sole producer and brother to Bille Eilish, and it was during that conversation above Hollywood Forever cemetery that I came to discover what exactly excited him so much about the up-and-coming artist with only three singles to her name. 

At her core, REI AMI is an artist of duality quite like no other. It is not a duality carefully explored through a large body of work or multiple online personas but one expressed with a reckless abandon, often in less than three-minute outbursts. REI AMI takes the appeal of Gen Z’s distaste for strict genre conventions and sees just how far she can push it. "

MAKE IT MINE,” her debut single, opens in haunting fashion, painting a transfixing picture of ominous pop perfection. Yet, on the same track, we are introduced to an entirely differently REI AMI. Gone is the siren with her cutthroat delivery. Instead, we are thrown down the rabbit hole, left to dance a psychedelic waltz that quickly sputters out of existence. The effect is all the more pronounced on “SNOWCONE,” which balances an impressive chaotic bravado and acoustic melancholic bedroom pop with inimitable ease.  

I had the chance to speak to REI AMI, on the set for an upcoming music video, about Sailor Moon, living a double life, and the importance of being both a sad and bad bitch. 

Ones To Watch: Who is REI AMI?

REI AMI: REI AMI is me. I grew up watching a lot of Sailor Moon. There are two characters, Sailor Mars and Sailor Mercury. Sailor Mars, her name is Rei, she's like the more hot-headed, very direct, blunt, bad bitch. Then there's Sailor Mercury, Ami, and she's still a bad bitch but like, she's more sweet and sensitive and reserved, and I thought those two characters best represented like, the two polar sides of my personality. I was like this is it! REI AMI sounds so dope. I have an emotional attachment to it. There's value in that and also it just represents duality. It's not having to choose between this or that. It's about embracing both and I feel like I can do that in my music. The transitions, they make sense because I can go from twerking to crying (laughter). Bad bitch to sad bitch, you know?

This idea of duality, from your name to your music, is outright impossible to ignore. 

REI AMI, this is who I am, I don't have to pick and choose just like, let's fucking go. With "MAKE IT MINE," "SNOWCONE," and "DICTATOR," they all have transitions, so those are like straight REI AMI tracks. Some currently unreleased songs that I have are straight REI tracks or AMI tracks, and if I want to do both it's REI AMI. But I know that, especially with "SNOWCONE," my producer Elie and I wanted a drastic switch-up because I go through highs and lows, and I'm not alone in that. 

“I want you to feel, and I want you to go from twerking, being a bad bitch to knowing it's okay to be sad. It's okay to be a bad bitch and still be sad.”

I think it's a very human experience that everyone deals with, and I thought it would be really important and really cool to sonically represent that and allow my listeners to experience what I go through on a daily basis. The reception it's gotten and the DMs from people telling me how much it meant to them was like the most validating, rewarding thing, because shit like, my song made you feel some type of way. That's the goal. I want you to feel, and I want you to go from twerking, being a bad bitch to knowing it's okay to be sad. It's okay to be a bad bitch and still be sad.

Yeah, it really gave me the vibe of this girl killing it at the club and then going home and crying in her pillow.

Yes! Like, "Ugh, I hate my life!" Shit like that, we all go through it.

I discovered you in relatively unconventional fashion. FINNEAS, who loved your production—

—and co-signed the fuck out of me!

Yeah, it was an immediate co-sign! He was like, "I only have one One to Watch right now, and it's REI AMI."

Oh my God, I'm fucking dead. I just... What the fuck is going on in my life? Like, of all the people, the first song I ever heard from Billie was "COPYCAT," and I've been following her since. She's obviously a worldwide superstar, and FINNEAS, they work exclusively together, so that story was already so beautiful and appealing, and that's very much like my producer and I. I work mainly with one collaborator because it works. You know, don't fix what's not broken. Obviously, I'm open-minded to working with other people, but what we have is so special, and I feel like I really see that in Billie and FINNEAS' relationship. So, it was just a very validating thing to get it from FINNEAS. From all of the people, FINNEAS was like, "Yes, REI AMI is that bitch!" Thank you FINNEAS, thank you for understanding!

How did you start making music with your producer?

So, freshman year of college, which was like 5 years ago, so I've been recording and writing for five years. I didn't release anything up until this year just because I felt that I wasn't ready, and I was still trying to figure out who I was and what kind of message I wanted to spread. You know, I was a dumb bitch, and I was making a lot of sad, heartbreak R&B songs, because I thought that's what people wanted to hear. R&B is the new pop, I love R&B, and I grew up on it. I was playing it so safe. I wasn't taking risks. And for the longest time, I wasn't having fun making music. Then I went through some real fucked up shit in my life earlier this year that spiraled me out of control and put me in a bad place both mentally and physically. I wanted to quit. I was like, "I haven't released shit so it doesn't fucking matter, no one's going to know or care." But then Elie was like, “No, pull up.” 

I went to the studio, I got shitfaced, and he started making a beat. I had a hook written down and it ended up being "MAKE IT MINE." And the weird breakdown in between was because I was so shitfaced and he intentionally did that so I would stumble on it because he wanted to know what drunk REI would say, and that's what happened. We shot the video the same night—he literally got up from his producer desk and was like "Uh, so do you want to shoot the video tonight?" I was like, "Say less." 

“Why would you want to make another song that sounds like 10 other songs out there? No, just fucking be you. There is no recipe, there is no equation.”

I love it! It feels so organic—all of your music does. 

Literally, it's just us fucking around and bullshitting. And that's how it should be. That session was the most fun I've had in years, and that's when I realized like if you're not having fun writing, recording, if you're not enjoying the process, you need to step back and re-evaluate your whole fucking approach. Like, what's wrong? What's good? And for the first time in such a long time, I felt so... myself. And take to mind, the production sonically, everything, is very left-field from what I was making, so I initially did not like the song. I was like this is so different, this is so weird. But then I was like wait, this is how it should be. Why would you want to make another song that sounds like 10 other songs out there? No, just fucking be you. There is no recipe, there is no equation. Fuck the equation, fuck what you want to hear. I want to make the shit that I want to listen to on the daily, on repeat for a week at a time.

I think that’s exactly what Billie and FINNEAS strove to do, and it seems like that’s where you’re headed with your music. There's no one else out there where I've been like, "Shit, she's a pretty good rapper," right before throwing me into a sad bedroom pop spiral.

Yeah! And I love hip-hop, I really got into it in high school when my friend put me onto Kendrick’s Section.80. I don't know much about that genre, because there's so much to learn and so much that I need to understand and really dive into and study, but Section.80, in terms of storytelling and his vocal abilities, like Kendrick is not just a rapper, he's a vocalist. The way he delivers vocally was so new to me, and it had such an impact on me. So, I've always been a huge fan of rap and hip-hop but I never thought I could do this until this year. 

With "DICTATOR," when I first wrote it, I had gotten my wisdom teeth taken out and I was high as fuck on Vicodin and I was like, "You know what, Imma fucking spit bars because I feel crazy right now." The first half of "DICTATOR" was all written by myself, me in my room, high as fuck. I ripped a beat off of YouTube, I was like, "I'm going in!" and then I sent it to Elie and he was like "Pull up this weekend, it'll be produced out and we'll re-record it, and that's what happened.”

What does your day-to-day life look like compared to this crazy music life?

(laughter) I am Hannah Montana. I have a full-time day job and they have no idea. I work for a custom packaging company and our biggest client is Sephora, so I oversee all of their international and domestic programs. It's a nine-to-five, but it's such a lax company that I can do music and be here and be places, but they have no idea. I'm the youngest in the company by like... a lot! So like they're not going to be like, "Hey girl, what's your Instagram, like add me!" (laughter) Like no one's doing that shit. They think I'm just chilling in LA.

So, what's next for you?

So I have a series of singles coming out next year with videos and then there's a fuller length project—a mixtape dropping around May-June, followed by some live shows. It's crazy, a lot of people are like, "When are you going on tour? When are you performing? I want to see you live!" And as much as I want to perform, I want to get it right. And being the neurotic person that I am, I'm not going to put on a show that's half-assed. If fans are paying money and coming, giving me their time, I want to make sure it's worthwhile and the energy I give out, I want it reciprocated. As much as I hate making them wait, like, hey, good things take time and I promise you, it's going to be such a wild experience. I'm so excited like, oh my God I cannot wait!

With 2019, coming to an end, what was your favorite thing about the 2000s?

Well, okay, I'm sorry but early 2000s pop and music in general I mean come on, the classics like "Milkshakes," 50 Cent’s "Candy Shop," "Moneymaker" by Ludacris and Pharrell, the Pussycat Dolls, Fergie, old The Black Eyed Peas, you know. I think that obviously molded my sound like you know, Missy Elliot and Destiny's Child and Beyonce—oh God when she was just rising and becoming that fucking monster you know? I think I miss 2000s music so much, and it always puts me in a good mood.

What's your 2020 resolution or goal?

Okay, I mean I want to do COLORS, I want to do Genius videos, I want to do the Teen Vogue Playlist of Your Life, Pitchfork’s Over/Under, Song Association on Elle. I want to do all of those things because those shows on YouTube are how I found some of my favorite artists. I want to go on tour and I just want world domination. I want to go internationally like, ugh I have so many ideas. I want to release the dopest merch where my dog is the brand mascot. I guess touring would be like the ultimate, whether I go on a headlining tour or a supporting tour. Just to be able to go out there on the road and meet my fans. That's an experience I've never had, and I'd love for 2020 to be the year where I do that.

What's the one thing you wish you could tell 18-year-old REI AMI?

Stop giving a fuck. Just stop. At the end of the day, if you're not happy doing what you're doing, especially when it comes to the music, stop, grow the fuck up and do what you want. Fuck what other people have to say. It took a long time for me to get there, and I believe synchronicity is very much real and timing is everything, but I just wish I cared a lot less about people and their opinions of me. Be a boss bitch! Goddammit! Stop being a little bitch. That's exactly what I would say. "Stop being a little bitch, bitch!"

Who are your Ones to Watch?

Ant Saunders. Ant fucking Saunders. His voice is fucking incredible. "Yellow Hearts." I haven't been able to stop listening to that. It just puts me in such a good, uplifted, happy mood. His voice is just so rich and so mature.

[phaylenfairchild]

Chasten Buttigieg’s Brother is a Trump Supporter out to Destroy Mayor Pete’s Bid For Presidency

Rhyan Glezman is the kind of opportunist that feels all to familiar.

We’ve often seen distant family members of celebrities suddenly rise to the surface for a bit of roll-off fame. It happened to Meghan Markle, whose mostly absent Father and Step-Sister desperately tried to mar her character when they discovered the actress was marrying the Prince of England. They went on a tour across two continents as they wallowed in the limelight, guzzling any attention on offer as they made the past of England’s future Duchess’s public business.

Gross.

Rhyan Glezman is cut from that same cloth. Glezman is the brother of Presidential candidate Pete Buttigeig’s husband, Chasten. He appeared on FOX News recently with host Laura Ingraham to make the claim that Chasten has been telling porkies about his past, and of course that means Glezman, a born again christian Pastor, must set the record straight… live on the most hostile, homophobic network on television, and to a talk show host that has attacked the LGBT community, the immigrant community and, well, basically anyone who isn’t white, straight, cisgender and male.

That’s right: FOX News. The irony here, in a strange twist of fate, Ingraham’s own brother is gay and has publicly denounced her hateful rhetoric, dubbing her “A monster.”

Maybe this sit down between Ingraham and Glezman was a perfect pairing after all.

Glezman maintained not a shred of emotion as he accused his newly famous brother of mischaracterizing his family and the conditions of his upbringing to harvest political favor.

Chasten shared some of his coming out journey during a speech at an HRC Gala; “When I was 18-years-old I worked up the courage to tell my parents that I was gay. And while we have a great relationship now, back then things weren’t easy,” he said.

And that’s true. His Mother and Father often travel with Chasten to events around the country… so here I am, waiting for the lie that the big bad big brother insists he expose…

Chasten is the youngest son of three boys who grew up far away from the political spectacles of Washington DC; Instead he was brought up in a working-class family in Traverse City, Michigan.

He remained closeted throughout school, but came out the summer after his high school graduation. Upon telling his family that he was gay, Chasten faced a consequence that so many LGBTQ youth fear the most as a result- rejection.

He left home soon after, sleeping in his car and staying with friends off and on until his Mother reached out for reconciliation and invited him back into the family home, much to the protest of Chasten’s two older brothers who still refuse to acknowledge him. I’m sure these two make family holidays an absolute joy.

The Glezman Brothers remind me of the wicked Stepsisters from Disney’s Cinderella. They’re enraged that their lowly gay brother, who is far less qualified than them for God’s blessings, has wormed his way into such a high profile position and has the nerve to talk about the faith that they claim ownership of.

Those poor, pitiful Glezman brothers.

While Chasten and his Parents have made amends, oldest brother Rhyan is determined to put a dent in Mayor Pete’s Presidential bid by using Chasten- and his religion- to vilify the couple.

The problem with Christians like Rhyan is that they equate hate slinging with the love of Jesus that only they have the power to bestow. It is a holy commodity reserved explicitly for themselves, and those they deem worthy enough to share it with. They think their hate is love and their betrayal of family or a loved one is sanctioned, nay necessary to maintain status with the guy in the sky. He also plans to ride the coattails of Chasten’s newly discovered fame… by denying being exactly who Rhyan, himself, has demonstrated himself to be. A fame chasing bigot.

You ever notice how these people loathe being called a bigot? All of them. It’s quite bizarre how truly sensitive the men and women who shout words I wouldn’t even type at two men holding hands somehow take umbrage with being labeled a bigot. Racists hate being called racists. TERFs hate being called TERFs… there’s a theme here.

Saddest of all is how smug Rhyan Glezman is, when asked if he would vote for his brother’s husband in an election, sat back, smirked, folded his hands and said…

“Trump 2020.”

In that moment, my heart broke for Chasten Buttigeig and his brother hyan showed his entire hand. I realized that the world now knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that his Brothers are hypocritical fanatics who would rather him fail than succeed and only because they think his difference in belief renders him undeserving of happiness or success… Certainly when up against the paragon of virtue that is president pussy-grabber, repeat adulterer, hush money payments to porn star paying, disability mocking, calls Nazi’s some “Fine people” while branding Mexicans rapists and murders…. this is preferred over his own Brothers, and all because he happens to be gay.

How many of us see ourselves in this story- a family that wants us to lose and laughs when we fall? That’s if they bother to stick around long enough to see where you fall. Many simply opt for a one way ticket out of our lives, and they do so in the Name of Christ. Oddly, when success or attention is found, those same family members suddenly find a revolving door to either reopen the wounds the left you to lick, or to pretend they’re anxious to help when they really just plan to sell stories about you to the media or leverage your desire for their acceptance and distort it for their own benefit. If they aren’t getting something out of it, they don’t usually stick around.

So Christian of them.

Thankfully, not all Christians subscribe to this practice, just my own family, and clearly Chasten Buttigeig’s and maybe yours, too. However, there is a faction of Christians out there that have actually read the Bible and practice what it preaches without demanding you do the same, or denouncing your existence if you don’t think like they do, believe like they do, behave like they think you should… some Christians are more worried about the quality of their own lives and relationship with Christ than they are yours… I say that like it’s uncommon, maybe it’s not, but I’m still surprised when I meet a Christian willing to mind their own damn business.

It will be painful for those of us who have had a relationship with familial rejection to watch the Glezman Brothers campaign against their youngest brother and attempt to malign the efforts of he and his Husband, claiming it’s the Christian thing to do. So many of us have had the name of Christ weaponized against us, but it’s hard to watch it happen to someone who should be on top of the world and anxious to change it for the better. Watching their very own family come from the sidelines with a trip wire out of sheer jealousy is unsettling, at best.

No one knows that disheartening reality more than the LGBT community.

Fortunately, Chasten seems to have managed to maintain strong relationships with both his Mother and Father, as he recently tweeted:

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Just FYI: My parents walked me down the aisle. My dad leveled the parking lot of our reception venue with his own two hands. My mom and I danced and shared ice cream long into the night. My parents are amazing and Peter’s biggest fans. I’m so proud of them.

 — @chas10buttigieg

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This all makes big brother Glezman’s accusation of Chasten manufacturing stories about his youth less likely to be fiction, and more likely a glaring indication that Glezman is wholly consumed by his own bitterness and resents that his gay brother turned out okay and, despite a period of struggle, kept the ties that bind him and his parents in tact. Clearly Glezman doesn’t believe Chasten deserves the same kind of happiness that he himself enjoys with his wife… just don’t call him a bigot.

However, he may be a liar for claiming his brother virtually made up the trials of his past for if he were telling the truth himself, he would have had support from others in his declaration that Chasten “Had it easy.”

Right Rhyan, you seem like the kind of guy who would have made your young gay brother’s life pleasant- and the fact that you’ve alienated him and refused to associate with him for years now doesn’t really make you the most reliable resource for information regarding Chasten or Pete. No one is stepping forward to substantiate your claims that Chasten has lied for political favor, not even your own Mom or Dad…

Terry Glezman, Chasten Glezman Buttigieg, and Sherri Glezman overcame initial struggles with their youngest sons sexuality and went on to share his special day with him.

In fact, Chasten’s Mom and Dad seem to be simply celebrating the prospects of their Sons political future even as their two older sons stew in their own self righteous, hyper religious rage, angrily brandishing their Trump bumper stickers and MAGA hats.

Hey Chasten, knowing you’ve had to deal with Brothers like this, I imagine no enemy you’ll meet on the pathway to the White House will ever shake your foundation. Thanks for telling your story, it is one we all need to hear.

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[alltemporarypalaces]

i know someday you'll read this

and it’ll be too late. you will believe for the longest time that this didn’t break my heart, that you didn’t break my heart, but it did, you did. i’m not gonna lie and say that you killed every feeling i had for you, no, because the saddest truth is that even now i can scrape up from within my heart enough reasons to love you and want you back and to believe that we could have a happy future together that starts today. but that is a lie, you saw it once before, you made this choice long before i did. pain and loneliness brought you to me once again in a moment of my life when i wasn’t ready to love you again, to have you, to take care of you, to make you happy. by hurting you i broke my heart as well as yours, but that’s fine, because i can forgive myself for what i did when i was lost and in pain, but i cant forgive myself for the pain i caused you just like i cant forgive you for the pain you caused me. a pain that you never acknowledged, never cared for, never made up for. the times you said you were sorry you didn’t mean it, you did it again, you expected me to be the same child i was when i selflessly forgave it over and over again, before i realized you’re not afraid to lose me because of the person that i am but because of the person that i am to you. the person that i was and i will never allow myself again to be, to you.

maybe you were blessed with the ignorance of seeing someone for who they are, as a person of they’re own, rather than the person they are to you, the role they serve in your life. maybe it is my curse that i will never, not to you or to myself or to anyone else, allow such ignorance to cloud my judgement. while you may mock this, ignore this, and even insult this, i believe it is the reason why i was allowed to love you the way i did, for as long as i did, and god knows for how much longer i was willing to love you that way. a love that made us both emotionally unstable at times, but it helped you, nursed you, cured you, eased you, and more often than not, made you happy and made you feel loved when many other aspects and people in your life made you as unfortunate as to feel that you weren’t.

unfortunately for me, that love gave you more than you deserved, though i’ll never regret giving it to you and giving you happiness that wasn’t my job to give it to you. but i did. not even you can deny me of that achievement, because if heaven is a place you earn i know i earned my bit because the way i loved you, the way i cared for you, not even a saint is deserving of because while it worked for you, while it also fulfilled me to be so good at loving you so much, it consumed me. it consumed me until there was nothing left of me. i drowned in that love. i drowned in a sea of you because that’s what you became. you were that powerful, that big, that controlling, that majestic. you were beautiful. and through your wounds and scars i saw inside you a love that never had the chance to come out, that you wouldn’t allow to give to me because someone else had dishonored it. someone else. but i was the one to pay.

and i was too good. too innocent. too pure. i was a child and your intentions were not to grow with me but to throw at me everything that is bad and hurtful in this world and whatever method of hurting or humiliation you could think of you did to me. you hurt me. you killed me. and i kept coming back into your arms after that, believing that there was something left of me when there was nothing.

but that pain has passed. i was pure enough to forgive you for it. i blamed myself or blamed the people who had hurt you in the past or your depression, i blamed the little girls (because that’s what they were) that you preferred over me because i decided i couldn’t blame you for not knowing better, for not knowing how to love me better. i didn’t blame you for it then, i wont blame you for it now just like i wont dishonor the pain i endured and what i did to stay alive after it. i’m proud of it and i believe that it helped me grow more than your love ever did. that i forgive.

but as i said earlier, that’s what you love about me. that i was the person that loved you unconditionally when i didn’t have to, that i was the person that chose to love you that way. i’m the person you know how to kiss and touch and that learned how to kiss and touch you. i’m the person who is able to keep her head high for the people they love, not once did i fail to recognize you for as the person that i loved and respect, no matter if you deserved it or not. i’m the person who waited, on you, for you, but most importantly i waited for you to love me better. every chance you asked was a chance i gave and every apology you presented was an i apology i accepted. and i believe that was what made me the most precious to you, that i was the one person willing to forgive your every mistake, your every flaw, no matter how damning it was for the relationship or for me. i was the safe place, the loving place you returned to after telling me you loved me and telling me you wanted to be only mine but spending the night with another girl. i was the bed you laid on after humiliating me in front of people i had to see every day for years. i was so comfortable to you. i was the one person that made you feel like you were ok, like you had a right to do that to me, to be who you were and not be ashamed of it. and you should’ve been. instead you became ashamed of me and left.

i wont say you failed as a lover, as a friend, or as a person; i believe you gave me and loved me with what you could at a time when you didn’t know what love was. at least that’s what i believe and if you laugh in mockery when you read that, then what i’m about to say becomes even more true. i am too good and you never said it. you never loved me for it. you loved me because i was the comfortable option, but never the only one. you loved me because i was selfless enough for your pride to be way bigger than it should’ve been, way bigger than i deserved. you never loved me for my foolishness, for the way i didn’t care what other people thought even though i was born into a bubble of materialism and arrogance but never influenced by it. you never loved me for my intelligence, which wasn’t numbers and equations but an ability to see and understand further than most people cared to, an ability that allowed me to fall in love with someone like you. you never loved me for my soft heart, for the way i melt with kind words or the music that accompanied it. you never asked about my idols or my dreams or the reason why i never told them to you when you i realized you were never going to ask. you never cared why my walls are covered in posters of people who pour my heart out in a way that i cant even do it myself.

you never cared that i was able to be so good to so many people, people whom i believed deserved it because they had gained a way into my heart. in fact you hated me for it. the very reason why i fell for you became the reason you hated me the most. worse than that, you made me hate myself for it too. you made me afraid of my sincere heart and my understanding mind because it was inconvenient for you. you made me change. you made me the person that i am today. now, you hold your pride like you should’ve held me. you made me the person who is no longer able to desire love or to listen to my favorite songs because they no longer say what i want. don’t worry, i don’t blame you for any of this. i believe my soft heart allowed me to be changed to what you wanted, or at least thought you wanted when you asked me to care less, to be less intense, to be happier with less. you got it.

all in all, there are things i can’t forgive you for: i cant forgive you for hating me for what i believed were the best things about me, i cant forgive that you were so unhappy with the results of what your pain did to me and that made you leave. i cant forgive that even after replacing me in more ways that i like to remember, i came back. i fucked up, and i kneeled before you begging for months. months of being neglected, months of feeling alone, months of being called worthless and “not good enough”, months in which i realized a man that loves me, the man that deserved that of me (although i realize now that no man ever should’ve or ever will be allowed to degrade me the way i have been in the past few years), the man who deserves me will never do that to me. not while in pain, whether i caused it or not, not while lost in love, not while consumed by a fake right to ownership, not ever. the man that loves me and deserves me will never want that of me, will never ask that of me, wouldn’t have done that to me.

that i cant forgive. not today, i’m not sure if i ever will. and if you turn out to be that man, you’ll believe that even with that pain stitched across my heart i still find it heavy to say goodbye to you. if you turn out to be that man, then you’ll even make me feel sorry for not being around when that finally changes. if you turn out to be that man, i already regret this, because that’s the man i saw when you allowed me to look inside your heart. if you turn out to be that man, then you’ve become everything i always knew you’d become. if you turn out to be that man, i might even forgive you, because it’ll mean that my pain was worth the while. if you turn out to be that man, i’d do it all over again just to see you become him again. and if you turn out to be that man, this will be another thing ill never forgive myself.

if you turn out to be that man, i hope someday you will.

so goodbye to the one person i still hope i never had to say goodbye to.

byeito

[a-curious-aquarius]

AFK: What He Wrote

(so a lot of you asked for fluffy Hades stuff, so I decided to do the exact opposite, lol I’m so sorry. This might be the saddest, angstiest thing I’ve ever written.

It’s about MC’s future after Astraeus’ main route, and somehow finding herself back in Hades’ arms. It’s based on the song “What He Wrote” by Laura Marling. You should look it up.

Sorry again, in advance. Also, nsfw warning!)

Forgive me, Hera.

You stared vacantly at the barren landscape laid out in front of you, the purple hue of the sun not betraying day or night. Leaning lazily against the wooden frame of the paper sliding door, you watched stray petals from Astraeus’ tree flutter to the ground, unaffected by the stagnant air of Tartarus.

Your husband slept behind you, his bare form wrapped in the red satin sheets strewn across the mattress. You could hear his even breathing, the sound soothing and steady despite the way your thoughts swirled with uncertainty. That defined him, your beloved - solid and safe, unchanging in the way he balanced out your chaotic soul.

After all, nothing ever changed in Tartarus. The air, untouched by any breeze. The landscape, its shifting sands only marred by stray footprints. The sky, a desolate violet hue swirling into sinister clouds. Even the inhabitants of this place were mostly unchanged; despite their freedom to explore Earth and Olympus, they gravitated to the familiar, rarely leaving their centuries-old homes and unwilling to make any lasting relationships with each other.

And however content you felt in your Titan’s arms, Astraeus wasn’t any different. He held you in his arms with all the warmth of a lover, same as the day before. And you loved him, you did. But...

You had never been one to settle for contentment.

As the night gave way to dawn, the sheets rustled behind you, and then his strong hands were on your waist. He pressed a sweet kiss to your neck, sighing your name happily against the skin there.

You smiled despite yourself, feeling affection blossom in the core of your chest. His palms snaked around your torso, locking you in his embrace.

“Good morning, wildflower,” he hummed, biting the sensitive area behind your ear. You squealed, playfully attempting to escape his grip. He laughed, the sound filled with his unconditional, unchanging love for you.

From his spot behind you, Astraeus couldn’t see the way your smile fell ever so slightly, dampened by the ruminating heaviness in your gut.

You loved him, yes. That hadn’t changed.

Nothing ever changed in Tartarus, after all.

I cannot stay.

He cut out my tongue,

Your dreams were more vivid, these past few weeks. Marked by flashes of a life you no longer knew, people you no longer knew. And hard as you tried, you couldn’t piece them together in sleep, and the fragments escaped you by the time you awoke.

In the morning, all you could remember was an all-encompassing purple warmth, though you attributed that to the violet rays of sun shining through the paper doors.

But try as you might, you couldn’t seem to shake these mystery dreams, the way they crept upon you in the night, slithered into every sliver of your soul.

You would awaken, gasping, drenched in sweat. Your husband was there to comfort you, a gentle hand pressed to the small of your back as he murmured your name over and over. You wanted to let him console you in your strange panic, but you always felt the urge to shove him away, to curl into yourself until nothing could touch you.

You felt lost and empty and yearning - for what, you didn’t know. But your heart threatened to break, nonetheless - heedless of your confusion. Your heart threatened to break under the tremendous weight of uncertainty and isolation, shattering under the sinister sense of imprisonment in Tartarus, by the heaviness of contentment.

One night, months after the dreams started, Astraeus stroked your hair as you slipped back into sleep, soothing you after another fragmented dream shook you awake. You breathed a sigh against your pillow, praying to absent gods for one night of dreamless sleep, just one night.

Instead, you found yourself in an unfamiliarly familiar place, clear-headed in a swirling purple haze. For a brief moment, you felt serene and free - unshackled from everything that tied you down in Tartarus. You felt, felt stronger than you had in years, and it burned through your veins almost painfully. You weren’t used to this anymore, in emotion so strong that it consumed you.

You blinked into the light, an easy, blissful smile on your face, as your gaze locked onto a pair of striking violet eyes.

Your heart stopped, feeling as if you had been doused in ice water.

“Hades…?” you breathed, surprised that you even could find your voice.

He looked just as shocked as you did, his perfect lips parted as he stared at you. He murmured your name back, shaking his head as if he thought you were simply a delusion.

“What are you doing here?” you asked, a flash of anger coloring your voice. Stepping towards him, you felt similar fury flash in his eyes.

“You’ve been calling me here,” he answered, eyes narrowing. “Why?”

“I - I don’t-”

Your words caught in your throat, Hades’ accusation catching you off-guard.

“I don’t understand.”

You noticed the way his jaw tightened minutely, still so in-tune with his more subtle movements. “Neither do I,” he said. “What would Astraeus think if he knew your heart was calling out to me, after all this time?”

You grit your teeth, trying to stop your eyes from tearing up. “That’s not fair.”

“Is it not?” he asked sardonically, crossing his arms. “You banished all of Olympus for trying to bring Hera back.”

“You were going to kill me!”

“You’re selfish,” he retorted. “And-”

“Stop it-”

“-and your mother would be... so disappointed in you.”

With a start, you awoke, tears trailing down your cheeks and disappearing into the hair at your temples. “Oh, gods,” you breathed, a ragged sob shaking your body.

“Blossom?” Astraeus murmured from beside you on the bed, voice thick with sleep. “More bad dreams?”

He opened his arms to you when you didn’t respond, and you curled into his chest. He wasn’t what you wanted, wasn’t what you needed, but he was here.

“I love you,” he murmured, pressing his face into your hair.

In his arms, you cried until there was nothing left within you, and then you cried some more.

There is nothing to save.

He threw me away.

He laughed at my sins -

The next night, you found yourself staring into his violet eyes once more, still shaken from the night before.

He said your name in greeting, chin tilting upwards to look down on you.

“What was I supposed to do?” you asked without prompting, gaze unwavering.

“What was I supposed to do?” he shot back.

“You were supposed to fight for me!” you yelled defiantly, taking quick strides to glare at him face-to-face. “That’s all I wanted! I wanted to know I was worth fighting for!”

Even after all this time, you had forgotten how much he loomed over you. Once, he had been a shield, the way he towered over you a comfort.

“It wasn’t about you, or even us,” he explained emotionlessly. “We needed Hera-”

“Hera didn’t want to come back!”

His mouth tightened, though it seemed like he had no rebuttal. You were both right, and somehow, that knowledge eased the anger in your chest. Only bitterness and pain remained.

“...Was anything between us real?” you asked after a long silence, feeling something within you break as you said the words aloud. Your voice trembled as you continued, “Did you ever love me?”

He frowned, head tilting up so that he could look down at you. “Does it matter?”

You released a shuddering sigh, feeling small under Hades’ relentless gaze. “Of course it does.” You wrapped your arms around yourself, making yourself impossibly smaller.

Hades only stared, though you could see a crack in his indifference demeanor.

“I… I loved you so much, Hades,” you admitted quietly. “And you just… you just gave up on me.”

Hades’ shoulders fell, his proud facade coming undone. “I never… I never meant to hurt you,” he said, voice impossibly small. “You are still the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Are. Present tense.

“Why…?” you asked, not quite knowing what you wanted to ask.

“It seemed so hopeless to hold onto you,” he explained. “I just thought if I let you go, maybe it would hurt less when I lost you.” He released a shuddering breath, eyes full of regret. “If I had known-”

“Shut up.”

You couldn’t hear any more, couldn’t relive the pain of his betrayal, of how much he loved you, of how much you still loved him. How happy he once made you, how alive.

“I’m… sorry.”

Your legs gave out from under you at his words, tears pouring from your eyes as your heart broke over and over and over again. You hadn’t known your heart could still break, but here you were, heart so full and broken that you could barely breathe.

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw him kneel beside you, hand resting on your shoulder, a small comfort. He pressed his lips against your forehead, a gesture you had once equated with safety, with love, and your heart threatened to burst.

“I’m so sorry.”

You knew you should shove him away, but you couldn’t find the strength. Feeling his warmth, his touch after so long - even in a dream - was…

It was everything.

In his arms I must stay.

He wrote:

“I’m broke.

Please send for me.”

Your fingers fisted into the fabric of his shirt, so tight that your knuckles were white.

“You have no right-”

“I know.”

And then his lips were on yours again, desperate and warm and overwhelming. He kissed you like a starving man, hands gripping at your hips like you would disappear at any moment. You kissed him just as hungrily, pressing yourself against the hard lines of his body until their was no space between the two of you.

But I’m broken, too,

And spoken for.

You knew you should feel guilty, but in this moment, you couldn’t be bothered to care. Here, in your combined dreams, there was only you and Hades. Nothing else mattered but the touch of his lips, the press of his tongue as you drowned in these sensations.

When you awoke, he would be gone, and you knew it. Astraeus would be by your side, press his lips into your hair, take you like a man in love. You would let him, welcome him into you as if your lips hadn’t just claimed another’s.

But these were just dreams, just shared consciousness.

So you let yourself be swept away by Hades’ touch, finding comfort in these small moments away from contentment, away from your unchanging life.

Do not tempt me.

So I asked him how he became this man?

His breath caressed your face, out of control and erratic.

“I still love you,” Hades murmured, pressing his lips to your forehead. “I wish…”

“Yeah,” you said back, trying to stifle the tears that threatened to escape. You couldn’t handle those words, handle his love. “Me, too.”

You knew the morning was rapidly approaching, and so was the end of your nightly love affair. You wanted nothing more than to live here, in his arms, but that wasn’t possible, and you both knew it.

“I will always be yours,” he promised.

Your eyes opened, and he was gone.

He had to leave, though I begged him to stay.

Left me alone when I needed the light.

Fell to my knees and I wept for my life.

Astraeus knew something was off. He was your husband, after all, and had been with you for years.

He knew, more than anyone, how ruined you were because of Olympus’ betrayal. Because of Hades’ betrayal. For the first few years after, you had dreamed of being taken, being erased by Hera while the whole Pantheon watched.

Astraeus had been the only one to fight for you, and you were eternally grateful.

But you had loved Hades with your whole being, and if he hadn’t…

Your husband didn’t know the depth of your confliction, of the fight between your heart and mind. Astraeus was safe, comforting. He would always be on your side, but... you loved Hades, even after all this time, after all he had done. You loved him more than you would ever love the Titan.

He tried to hold you close, keep you from pulling away, but it was too late. Your heart had been thrown into chaos, and there was no going back.

I’m sorry, Astraeus.

If he had’ve stayed you might understand.

If he had’ve stayed you would’ve never taken my hand.

He wrote:

“I’m low.

Please send for me.”

You felt like the air had been stolen from your lungs as you stood in front of the God of Death, in the flesh. The air of the god’s new Tartarus was stifling, heavy, but you couldn’t be bothered to care. Hades was here, warm and real and touching you, and that was all that would ever matter.

He pushed you into the ground, body covering the entire length of your own as he pressed into you, making your head swim at the pleasure that coursed through your body.

You felt his familiar aura wrap around your body, tease your skin, though it was weaker than you remembered.

“Gods, Hades,” you moaned as he steadily shoved into you, wrapping your arms around his neck. He kissed at the tears that rolled town your cheeks, slowly healing every painful wound within you. “I love you. I love you.”

He rocked against your body, slowly and sweetly, bringing you to a euphoria you had only ever known with him.

“I love you.”

But I’m broken, too,

And spoken for.

You came home before dawn, Hades teleporting you back to Tartarus while Astraeus still slept. He kissed your forehead in parting - safe, solid, secure.

You knew Astraeus could smell him on you by the way his eyes tightened with pain, but he said nothing. Maybe he had known about your dreams, maybe he had seen this coming. Or maybe, if he didn’t speak of it, your infidelity didn’t exist. Maybe you were still his and his alone.

He welcomed you into your shared bed, like always, kissing the top of your head as if nothing had changed.

Nothing ever changed in Tartarus, after all.

Do not tempt me.

Forgive me, Hera.

I cannot stay.

You fell asleep in his arms that evening, heart thundering in your chest like an unsteady drum. You felt more alive than ever, skin still tingling from Hades’ touch.

But… your thoughts were in disarray, nonetheless.

Once upon a time, you had thought the spirit of Hera had protected you from the selfish ways of Olympus, helping you punish them for their arrogance and self-centeredness. But… perhaps she was being selfish, herself - locking the gods away to Tartarus before they could bring her back.  

Maybe she had used you, not caring what happened to you as a result - just like the Pantheon. And now you were condemned to this life, stuck in the arms of a husband who could not satisfy you.

Stuck loving someone who could no longer give you a future.

In his arms I must stay.

We write:

“That’s alright.”

His touch was punishing in the sweetest, most sinful way, fingertips running along the curve of your waist. He was buried within you, face resting at the crook of your neck, lips spilling your name like a litany.

You cried out, coming undone within you, his body shuddering with relief. Relief that, in these moments, you belonged to each other and no one else.

“I love you, my goddess,” he murmured into your hair, keeping your bodies connected until your oversensitive body could take no more. “...I’m so sorry.”

You had forgiven him long ago, somehow, yet he still felt the need to say it.

“I know,” you murmured, kissing the crown of his head. Pulling back, you noted the bags under his eyes, the weary set of his mouth, and your heart wrenched painfully at his own pain. “I love you most.”

You would miss this when you left again for the night, back to Tartarus, as you always did. In Astraeus’ bed, a piece of your soul was missing.

But for now, you were alright. Both of you were. You had each other, and you could delude yourselves into believing this was real, if only for a moment.

You curled into Hades’ embrace, inhaling the scent of him, the scent of you on him. It was familiar, comforting, and you could drown in its warmth.

I miss his smell.

We speak when spoken to,

“I… I can’t believe it.”

Astraeus pressed his fingers against the curve of your abdomen as if he could sense the life within, an elated grin curving the corners of his mouth.

You sighed, relieved by his excitement. “Neither can I,” you said once he had responded, having been too afraid to speak before you knew how he would react.

You tried your best to echo his elation, though the attempt was weak and pitiful. Wrapping his arms around the curves of your body, he spun you in a circle, overjoyed and overwhelmed.

Family.

You felt sick to your stomach.

And that suits us well.

That suits us well.

Hades’ fingertips dragged along the skin of your stomach, sending butterflies into a flurry. You sighed softly, hands curling into the light purple strands of his overgrown hair. You tugged at them, pulling his lips down to your own.

“I love you,” you murmured, though the words were bittersweet. “I love you.”

He held you tighter, palm pressing flat against your abdomen. He gave you a small, sorrowful smile, and you pretended (just for a moment) that this was your future -  just the two of you, lost in each other, building a home.

But it could never be.

“And I love you.”

That suits me well.

(the end. I’m so sorry, lol.)

[suzyqrara]

4/3/2020

It is 2:46AM and I think I am mentally ready to allow GOD to lead me and Mason to our life’s journey.  I woke up at 1 AM and I thought about GOD.  I miss being a serving and active Christian.  I want to be a part of a community where I am acknowledged as a person and respected just because it is a nice thing to do.   I want to be involved in a community that does not judge me and wants to get to know me. I keep thinking about that Somerset church. The only reason why I keep thinking about them is because the Paster still comes to my house and asks for MAse and I to come back.. bit creepy but sweet.  The last time he came was this past summer actually.  I’ve only been there maybe 2 times and it was 3 years ago. I signed up to get info about the single families ministries in Oasis and this Sunday I will check out Worship Church in New Brunswick. I thought I wanted my 30s to be the “chronicles of ass” lol, tales of my booty call experiences. But I think that will be a complete waste of time for me. To keep going on these dates and make myself open to having sex just because they look do-able and not really giving a damn if we have chemistry. I know, its very stupid.  I never find someone Ihave chemistry with so thats why I ereased that completely out of the equation for the sake of experience.  I want experience so I know what I am doing in bed and someone will want to be in a relationship with me. That’s so stupid. If someone is in a relationship just because I give good sex, that would be the saddest thing in the world and super unfair to me since I have so much more to offer.  I would be committed to them and they would blind me from the man that would love me as I am.  Low libido and all. My libido has been super low.  I wrote what I would be doing to better explore myself and I haven’t even startedyet.  My last experience with a one night stand was just super disappointing. I understand that I want to have more sex so I can know what it is that everyone is so obsessed about.  But it is so risky.  For me to have sex with them just because I want to experience something I dont even know I will find.  I wanted to experience good sex and passion with someone.

 I 100% know I will be a wife one day.  I 100% know I will have an amazing husband and my heart will melt for him and his heart will melt for me.  I think having pointless sex will derail me from him completely. I’ll be wasting my time with losers, comit to another Marvin and miss out on my man since I wont be single.  I also know that my husband will love that I only had one partner. I think I am ready to stop online dating and find passion in Christ again. I fell in love with Jesus when I was 20 and he has been with me this whole decade of being lost. I always felt him but this whole want for a “normal” dating life has kept me from being with him.  I know that I don’t need to go to church to be with God.  God is with me now and he woke me up at 1 AM.  In fact I 100 % know that when I wake up this early in the night it is because he wants me up to pray.  

I don’t enjoy reading the bible on my own.  More then half of the time I don’t understand what it is talking about and that is why I really want to go to church because physically going to one will get me to little by little learn about the bible.  I am also a social person, even though I am introvert, I enjoy being around other people and I want to learn the bible by being with other people. The loneliness I feel everytime I go to a new church is worse then the dissatisfaction I feel after a akward or completely pointless date Ive had. I am happy to go to the church but I always felt a sense of sadness and loneliness coming out of it.  That feeling alone stops me from embarking another experience with another church. Being with Mason helps so much.  I feel less lonely walking out of it.  I have a feeling my husband is already walking with Christ and he is just waiting for me to get it together. I know that we wont meet until I am 100% on my own walking with Jesus.  Just thinking about it brings me comfort.  Ive been anxious for the last 2 weeks and I feel comfort knowing I am ready to pursue GOD again.  I feel so good knowing that I can care less about being sexually experienced at this age…at the moment… hopefully it will continue to tomorrow and on.   Searching for a relationship so Mason can have a male to look up too.  I am happy that Im in the space to stop that search and search for my relationship with GOD because God will 100% provide for Mason and I. It would be nice to have a male figure for Mason to look up too but he is thriving with just me taking care of him. He is super happy and he is such a good boy.  I was blessed with him because I don’t have to do much in raising him..just be there for him and with him.  I feel sad that Marvin doesn’t get to experience him but at the same time I feel so blessed that I have him pretty much to myself.

I am scared that I will watch one of the live streams from w/e church I pick and I will get bored.  I will watch it and then I wont feel like listening to the pastor speak again.  But I have to think of my journey with God as a journey in a new relationship.  When you feel a connection with someone and you agree to see each other again,  You go through a periods of getting to know them. I need to get to know god little by little. But Im saiying what if I begin the cycle of church hopping. I need to just have faith.  Its like exercise.  You know you need it but to start the habit is super hard because you don’t know if you will be motivated the next day to work out like you did the day before.  I am on and off with exercising but I still try even though it doesn’t feel good.  Once I make a habit of it and I start to see results that in itself will continue to motivate my drive.  Same thing with God.  I know I want a relationship with him again and open my heart up to him and his plan for me.  But to physically go to church is super hard just like working out on the first day. I am not sure if I will like the church and I dread the feeling of loneliness afterward.  But if God has set with me a church for weeks on end then I need to trust it and make a habit of going there.  Little by little I will feel his presences within me and I will feel that sweet feeling of meditation and comfort and that will be a motivator in itself.  I am thinking about a church with diversity.  I don’t want to go to an all black church, all white church, all Spanish church.  I will feel good if it is diverse with all types of backgrounds, ethnicities and cutures.  Im so over feeling like an outcast.  In an all white church I don’t feel like an outcast but church that are all white usually gives me a sense of stuck up and judgemental.    Ive felt the most lonely coming out of an all white church. They say hello but that’s it,nothing else. Spanish churches are wonderful and I feel a good connection but I don’t like to feel like an outcast when they have to translate what they are initially saying to me in English.  They have no problem doing it but Ive experienced too many times where they have an depth conversation about something and they begin to speak in spanish.  They cant translate it to me because they are having a moment of passionate expression.  They do explain to me afterward what it is they are talking about but it gives me a lonely feeling because I am not connecting with them during that moment of passion because I don’t understand them.  All black church is fine too but I feel like I stand out too much and that in itself is uncomfortable so I cant really relax as much as I would like to feel God in my heart and soul.  That’s why I want a church with all different types of ethnicities and backgrounds.   Oasis is and it is in NewBrunswick. Plus Oasis speaks to me because they have a single parent ministry and I really want to connect with other single parents so I don’t feel alone in that as well.