#god i wish i had a brain rn
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rxttenfish Ā· 1 year ago
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trying desperately to figure out why zoe's characterization bothers me so much and. is it literally just because shes a fan stand in? so that somehow things feel cheapened when another character does something and she calls it out as a trope?
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pareidolla Ā· 3 months ago
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phew ok starting off brokeweek (???) day one with the darlingest monk birds belonging to @itsonlypolite and @wysteriaisapenguin! drawing them together gave me so much delight - thank you for bringing them into this world. a thousand kisses for them ā™”ā™”
šŸ«“ also a transparent version incase you want a little jpeg doll of your child
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thekittyokat Ā· 8 months ago
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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crescentfool Ā· 1 year ago
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p3 reload box art + the art book cover!
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agnesandhilda Ā· 5 months ago
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wow! nice shounen battle series. do you give your characters enough time to develop so their fights have emotional weight or is it all just spectacle?
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windshieldwiper Ā· 2 years ago
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umā€¦soā€¦..I feel totally okay about thisā€¦yeahā€¦he looks so mediocre šŸ‘
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opens-up-4-nobody Ā· 11 months ago
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#what do you call it when a mind is lacking in depth of m thought? is there a word for that?#because all my mind can do is spin in tiny circles. never push any further. no depth of thought#i cant even carry out this line of thought to completion in my head. i have to write it down like this or else it remains stuck in an eddy#its so frustrating. when my thoughts are pressured i spin so fast it feels like my head might pop but the thoughts never go anywhere#bc they just repeat the same god damn things all thr fucking time. they drag me around in circles. then when im feeling low or even like#normal. my head just feels empty and it freaks me out. i have no intersting thoughts to think. theres nothing behind my eyes#possibly its just my brain on 0cd. but how am i suppose to escape the spiral if its in my own head? i guess im just supposed to changr my#reaction to it. recognize what it is and let it go. but i dont like it#i just want to curl up on a warm tile floor. press myself into a quiet corner and not think anything#in an aquarium or a conservatory. specifically the conservatory in Columbus. i love that place#i went there for my birthday when i was like 12 bc i liked it so much. the botanically gardens and the butterflies and the stained glass#i dunno. i just like it there. ugh. im just tired#god. there was a really cool talk today and im always like im not that inattentive lol but then i cannot for the life of me follow a talk or#read a paper all thr way through. my short term working memory is just a tiny little cup. easy to overfill#so i miss mostly everything. its so frustrating#its all frustrating. whatever. back to the psychiatrist tomorrow. probably up thr lamicta1 dosage#bc im past where i was last time i had a reaction to it šŸ’Ŗ#i just wish i wanted to draw. drawing just makes me tired and impatient rn#unrelated
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itsalwaysdark Ā· 4 months ago
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anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day
#its just like atm everything that i need is like . not possible. which is oartially my brain being like We have to do this before we this#which sometimes isnt true but sometimes is#like i cant get medicated again or back seeing a psych or back on t until i get a job again#but i cant get a job again utnil i get my ged <- partially untrue but ged would make it a lot easier#but i cant get my ged until i have a job bc it costs money <- if i asked my parents they would probably help me If they had money 2 spare#since like. yk. they want ne to be able to work again so i have money again and ill be another source of income and they care abt me also .#affirmations . ppl donot just see me as a piggy bank they do see me as a person im not judt someone to squeeze money out of thats not how#ppl view me and its fine its fine its fine its fine . it feels so stupid being scared abt that i feel like a rich person whos like She only#likes me for my money šŸ˜­ like stfuuu annoying ass. i just ummmm. have a massive fear of debt and like. ppl demanding money from me#unexpectedly or expecting i am going to give them money. not in like a Ohhh fucking ppl want me to donate not it at all im happy to donate#but in like. god this is dumb. eveeytime i got birthday or christmas money as a kid i had to give it to my parents so they could buy food or#gas or whatever. and it never got paid bsck and it felt like shit. but i couldnt ever say no bc then itd be My fault we didnt have food that#week . yk. my first paycheck i had to give it all to my mom for groceries and we got in a fight in the store bc she was like Ok im gonna go#buy pop and my dumbass got upset abt it bc like. my mom told me itd be Necessities nd like. yk. wtvr. it was fucking stupid my entire family#r caffeine addicts so pop is a necessity i was just. rly upset and it felt like my parents saw my money as just. theirs but they had to ask#abt it so i wouldnt get pissy. yk. and they ask me for money a lot usually for food and i dont mind but it like. idk im rly paranoid abt#being a provider and ive got a Lot of guilt abt like. anytime we dont have enough food it feels like my fault bc it was my fault when i wasa#kid if i didnt give up my christmas money for pizza. or whatever. idk its so dramatic like i didnt need the money i was 8 it was selfish of#me to wanna buy fucking. toys or whatever that wasnt more important than My parents being able to get to work or my siblings being able to#fucking. literally eat. or paying bills. like its selfish that im like wahhh wahhh but i wanted to buy vibeo game wif my bday money i#shouldve judt been fucking grateful i was able to help my family. wtvr. I hate connor. wtvr#n then the shit with ugh last year like. yk. and stuff. and then the them stealing 1000 from me not getting into it b4 i get mad. idk.#and im just lazy now i need to get a job again but all the shit like. as i was saying earlier b4 i started whining. idk. i should be happy#that i get to help w bills and stuff that was my dream as a kid#like ever since i was 5 when i was fantasizing abt my future i was like Im gonna marry a prince and then ill be able to afford to pay all of#my families bills and my parents and siblings will be able to go to college and be happy and maybe never have to work bc ill be able to#handle it and ive always like. yk. when i was a dumbass kid i was like Ill go to college so i can get a good job and be useful. of course i#cant ever go to college bc im fucking. useless. and itd just be another burden on my family if i was in debt bc i couldnt help them as much#if i had debt and itd be selfish. and it doesnt matter bc im too stupid to go to college anyway. idk. i wish i could just fix everything#it just feels awful rn im literally just a drain and my family doesnt say it to me yk like. ik theyre happy imback i think they are
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gay-fordeath Ā· 5 months ago
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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho#bro i cant keep living like this#i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep#i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not#i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough#i get headaches every other day#my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company#i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries#which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever#and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability#in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL#AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL#do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn#i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it#its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation#fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever#but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that#but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work#from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space#theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped#i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them#i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without#fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and#overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck
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mutalune Ā· 6 months ago
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really wish there was a tag that separated ā€œIā€™m having Big Angry and/or Angsty Opinions about Star Warsā€ from ā€œIā€™m goofing off with Star Wars Iā€™m playing in the sandbox none of this is real so yes I will make my blorbo and this random glub shitto go on an adventure that makes no logical senseā€ posts because thereā€™s too much of the former and not enough of the latter for my current mental state
#starlight personal#the good news is that I finally have another ketamine appt scheduled and itā€™s sooner than I thought theyā€™d have an opening#the bad news is that the appointment is not tomorrow and weā€™re kinda at the end of my mental-emotional rope#now kids this is what we call: an inherent flaw in my treatment plan that cannot be removed#because pretty much in an ideal world Iā€™d have ketamine appointments every 6 weeks but 1) expensive and probs canā€™t afford that#2) they donā€™t have enough availability for that to be realistic 3) canā€™t take off of work THAT frequently without consequences#4) I would probably start to doubt reality if I was tripping that frequently 5) I donā€™t think docs would allow it#treatment resistant depression and anxiety my beloathed if we could just chill thatā€™d be great#treatment resistant PMDD my other beloathed someday I will do my damnedest to cut you out of my body#idk not to be too selfpitying on main but god it fucking sucks that I appear to be doomed to another cycle based mood thing#PMDD means I get two good weeks two bad weeks#ketamine being the only effective treatment for whatever my brainā€™s got going on means two good months followed by x bad months#until my next appointment#which like! two good months is better than no good months I am grateful that something helps#I just wish it was a more convenient help and it could be applied more consistently than my psych office provides#also wish I didnā€™t have to call them 3 times to get it scheduled but it is what it is#also also wish that I had fewer of the physical side effects of my anxiety and wouldnā€™t wake up puking the min things are rough#this is all to say: I want silly SW headcanons and droid headcanons and silly fic ideas and not Everyone is Always Suffering#but Iā€™m also too lazy (I.e brain cannot make decisions rn) to search for new tags that may give me more silly#which means time to browse my bookmarks for good good comfort fics I have saved I suppose#(this is lowkey why i want to physically fight everyone i know whoā€™s like ā€˜yeah meds would help but idk :/ā€˜ like!!!!!!!!#bro itā€™s a privilege to have access to meds and itā€™s a privilege to have a body that doesnā€™t turn on you the min you take one!!!!#just try 10mg of zoloft I would kill for 10mg of zoloft to not make me entirely incapable of functioning!!!)#I donā€™t mean that - you have a right to take or not take medication and everyoneā€™s reasons may be their own#I just had my body and have some rough feelings around treating my issues being so expensive and inconvenient#and then feeling guilty b/c I know Iā€™m lucky that I can afford it and can take off of work for it when I need to#like I am pretty lucky to have something that works and to have a care team that helped me get here#so I donā€™t wanna be ungrateful or unappreciative of my own luck in this and the work that went into getting here#Iā€™d just also like it if I could change the circumstances slightly#make treatment on the weekends an option - get my psych office to have more than 2 trip sitters so scheduling isnā€™t so bad
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nururu Ā· 2 years ago
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zoro hated god so much he became satan
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fox-mulder-gets-pegged Ā· 2 years ago
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Yeah I'm fine I ju
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maburp Ā· 2 months ago
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Iā€™m in my early 20s so sometimes I forget I donā€™t live in a vacuum. If I fail here, if I pause here, there is so shame or rush, there are people around me that can help break my fall and Iā€™m so lucky for that. My only job is to explore and figure out what will leave me with a fulfilling life and how my friends and family fit into that.
#Iā€™m a neuroscience major and I have no idea what I want to do with it anymore.#in highschool and early university years it was always medical school#but first year and second year of university really broke me down#I have been considering what career I want since second year and have panicked and panicked and panicked#I donā€™t want to mess up the career I choose but. I have to understand that itā€™s ok if I do.#thereā€™s probably no career that will be truly satisfactory#iā€™m rambling#I wish I had a clear cut goal#something that is driving me or something big and lofty I want to accomplish#Iā€™m just going to list things I want in a career rn bc Iā€™m ranting anyways#I donā€™t want to climb a hierarchy or rather I donā€™t care for it. Iā€™m not the best at conversations and Iā€™m terribly awkward#but I do get an energy boost when I talk to people#but my focus is best when I work on my own bc I tend to make more mistakes when working with others#when I do research for an assignment I can focus for hours at a time without getting up#all of these make me think that research might be smth to pursue rather than healthcare#but Iā€™m scared about work life balance and general job stability#also imposter syndrome is going to hit hard#I have to do my best to get smth research positiony this summer so atleast I have experience before my last year of undergrad#and that way Iā€™ll KNOW if itā€™s smth I want.#if all else fails I might go into medical lab tech bc itā€™s lab work forever and that sounds fun#or rad tech bc itā€™s a bit repetitive but also Iā€™m scared that bc I would be working with ppl Iā€™d make more mistakes#I just do NOT want to work in business#Iā€™m so privelaged being able to choose a career like this when my parents couldnā€™t and had to grab at whatever they could#I think thatā€™s part of the guilt of potentially failing. like I CANNOT fail my parents who worked so hard to be here and let me choose#GOD do I want stability most? do I want to learn something new regularly? id love to learn something new everyday#I think I might end up compromise and go into rad tech bc then Iā€™ll be able to maybe do research with the brain and have a stable backup?#talks maburp#THERES TOO MANY CHOICES TOO MANY OPPORTUNITIES TOO MANY THINGS TO CONSIDER#Iā€™m so lucky to be able to consider all these things#YAllah give me strength to make decisions and not get stuck like I keep doing this year. Yallah let opportunities drop on my lap
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benjamin-benny-ben Ā· 3 months ago
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Wow. Suddenly hit with the Big Sad and Big Loneliness
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milo-is-rambling Ā· 11 months ago
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I LOVE YOU PAST MILO -current Milo nauseas head in a sparkling clean toilet I cleaned literally a half hour ago and then got too high while celebrating how clean it looked and feel sick nowšŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­
#but yipppee sparkly clean. gonna put a little sticky toilet gel thing on the inside while Iā€™m in here#maybe throw up if another nausea wave comes before I can stand up šŸ˜­#I had too much cereal and a lot of water at once and like. yuck yuck yuck I feel yucky high on the floor yucky I wish I was normal I need to#back off of weed a little to become a real person but also. Iā€™d rather dig my own grave and bury myself in it alive than work a real job#like. fuckkkkkk I want to cry. fuck retail fuck fuck fuck Iā€™m a failure wahhhhhhh I cant even handle beginner jobs#rattling the bars of my cage screaming crying throwing up why am I alive waahhhhhh okay nvm thatā€™s too far itā€™s not that bad Iā€™m chilling#the toilet is clean! look at the bright side. my therapist when I talked about like my mom maybe wanting to set a goal for working like a#certain amount of doordash hours and my therapists number she came up with was three hours and I was so happy like. she gets it. I am#exhausted just existing and she was like hmm you should work three hours a week. like. at most.#love her so much. it was probably a mistake but also. keeping it in my brain forever#imagine a three hour work week being backed up by my therapist to my mom like haha my therapist said I only HAVE to do three hours#god three hours still feels like a lot rn#like two weeks ago I dropped a salad in a tight packed restaurant and everyone watched me drop it and then walk back to the kitchen and wait#for them to make a salad so I could leave and fucking deliver the food and it was so embarassing and I havenā€™t done a single order since#then bc I get so anxious that I just exit the app if I donā€™t get an order like immediately which I havenā€™t yet so no orders.#I just get high. too high. and admire my cleaning work. itā€™s nice. I have to do the bathroom floor still. dog hair. dust. brother beard hair#my hair and bleach specks. I need to clean the bathroom fr. Iā€™m excited Iā€™m redecorating the bathroom in my mind and itā€™s giving me#motivation to clean it and I want to work more dooordash shifts (when Iā€™m not this high) to save moneys to update my room and the bathroom#a little before the summer. just. replace air matress bc itā€™s low key a trigger now. so thatā€™s fun. so buy a futon or smthing. and update#the bathroom into a thing that I like in my extra Milo type way. while making room for three ppl to share one bathroom. bc. itā€™s small#small bathroom for sure. but Iā€™ll get it lookin good. add some cute decorations. maybe a candle or two. an incense thing for when I tak bath#slay. slay. building my dream bathroom in my mind and also. my Amazon wishlist land. and Pinterest land. I love making lists of things.
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21280 Ā· 14 days ago
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may I request missšŸ™‹šŸ»ā€ā™€ļø some high nsfw katsuki
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warnings for nsfw, p star! katsuki, no quirk college au, consumption of weed n alc, masturbation, fem! reader, itā€™s a cliffhanger iā€™m sorry i donā€™t have the brain rn
katsuki bakugo would become a porn star entirely on accident.
the topic would surge from time to time in his friend group, mostly as a joke. because "gosh, bakugo! you have the body of a porn star! you sure you're not on some secret account we don't know about?" and it really got to him. what does a porn star body look like, anyway? it's a mystery to him, as he pulls out his phone on incognito and...
he's in disbelief. he's actually looking up porn. never in his life would katsuki bakugo ever think of doing so. katsuki feels like he'd be less guilty if he's not sober whatsoever, so he's searching multiple accounts on his twitter throwaway with one hand as the other holds a small joint. it's not long before his eyes are completely red, pants and boxers slid down to his ankles, and videos recommended by kaminari going on auto-play.
but he's not satisfied, not one bit. he stopped caring for physique videos ago, he's now entertained by the poor technique. with blurry vision, he reads the replies and quote tweets, expressing their inconformities. comments like "god, her moans sound so fake", or "can't he stroke it slowly? i want it to last" make his mind run. katsuki bakugo was lost in the world of constructive criticism, while his ego began to chew at him.
he can do better than those stupid extras, right?
of fucking course. he's katsuki bakugo. but he's not gonna fucking do it. nope. never.
katsuki bakugo is a lightweight. he feels like he's sitting on the moon instead of his couch as he's gulping down some cheap rum his friends bought the week prior. and soon enough, his camera app is open, cock fully on display, and he's stroking it for a few good minutes. and the camera catches everythingā€”how his cock twitches every time his strokes get slower, how the tip was reddish and filled with precum from the very beginning, his heavenly moans, his white-knuckled grip, and how his knees shake as he comes undone and stains his red, velvet couch.
and he has the video on twitter as a draft, half written caption and all. katsuki needs to visualize how it would look like if he posted. until he does. his finger slips, and the video and half caption are posted. at first, katsuki is mortified and doesnā€™t know what to do, until he sees a person liking and commenting. he decides to leave it up until he sobers up.
twelve hours and a huge hangover later, user 00179359027728kb is a twitter porn sensation.
thousands of users express their love for him, asking and demanding for more videos, as well as wishing to be his partner in crime. when katsuki realizes he can monetize this, he suddenly has dollar signs for eyes. a few videos later and katsuki bakugo is famous.
so famous, in fact, that one of your friends is in love with him, despite only seeing the lower half of his face. she raves about him to you on the daily, and as a result you find yourself creating a throwaway to watch his videos, and damnā€”katsuki is fucking sensational. heā€™s an icon, and you wish he were in your bed right then and there.
but heā€™s quickly discarded by your own brain as you get ready for an outing. itā€™s a nice, weekend night, and your friends are ready to go clubbing. once you get there itā€™sā€¦ okay, you suppose. dim lighting, people stuffed like sardines in a can, and the occasional couple eating their faces in the corner. you know the many cocktails you had are catching up to you once you accidentally bump into a person, and as you turn to apologize, youā€™re stunned.
ā€œyā€™should watch where youā€™re going.ā€
ā€œiā€™m so sorry, i didnā€™t see yā€”waitā€”are you that kb guy from twitter?ā€
heā€™s like a deer in headlights. ā€œā€¦that depends. whoā€™s askinā€™ā€
ā€œnameā€™s y/nā€ you giggle, ā€œi know you cause i have a friend whoā€™s nuts for you.ā€
you officially pique katsukiā€˜s interest. his eyebrow rises as he smirks, ā€œoh, is she?ā€ he tilts his head to the side, ā€œwhat about you, sweets? you watch me too?ā€
shyly, you nod. his smirk gets bigger as he steps closer, ā€œshe here? i donā€™t really do pictures, though.ā€
ā€œdo you do videos?ā€
liquid courage. it would cost you a lot to even say that sober, and you blame your drunken state for your boldness. katsuki bakugo has that fiery look in his eye as he laughs. ā€œsure i do, sweets. you wanna be the first model for my page or is it just to spite yer friend?ā€
first?
only model is your goal. youā€™re determined to make that happen.
ā€œbathroom? in 5?ā€
ā€œya got it, captain.ā€
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