#god i wish i had a brain rn
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trying desperately to figure out why zoe's characterization bothers me so much and. is it literally just because shes a fan stand in? so that somehow things feel cheapened when another character does something and she calls it out as a trope?
#all the care guide says is 'biomass'#trick question its always just that i dont like cheerful and overly happy characters#i also dont like scott very well for the same reason.... alas#i DO like calculester but tbf hes 1. weird enough to make it work and 2. im biased because a friend made me like calc#i am NOT immune to propaganda please tell me how much you love side characters in great detail#(well i say cheerful and overly happy but. idk. how else to explain it?)#(because polly's not like that and doesnt run into the same issue for me. maybe oblivious?)#(????? theres a term for this i know. but i cant figure it out)#(also its like 5:30 in the morning and i havent slept oops)#.... also maybe its just i got too excited for all the people theorizing on zoe's personality#and then when it was actually revealed i was doomed to disappointment#god i wish i had a brain rn
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phew ok starting off brokeweek (???) day one with the darlingest monk birds belonging to @itsonlypolite and @wysteriaisapenguin! drawing them together gave me so much delight - thank you for bringing them into this world. a thousand kisses for them ♡♡
🫴 also a transparent version incase you want a little jpeg doll of your child
#art is amazing holy shit i get to draw my beloved on his way to pumpkin carve with himself#i feel like the symphony dolphin rn#silly thing but i gave politebroken a regular kitchen knife for the pumpkin until i realized that looked really bad akdjahqbq#im so glad poli mentioned they struggled with drawing their broken cos god this struggle city for me again#here i was. tears in my eyes. wishing i had a time machine to learn drawing animals in my youth as i desperately redrew cutest guy ever#wysteriabroken is also so darling too literally texted my gf how cute he is like 5x#look at him!!! the definition of baobi!!#slay the princess#♡. scribbles#voice of the broken#i. i don't wanna call this brokeweek but i have no clue what to tag this awuehwhq#ill rack my brain but if anyone wants to submit smth i'm open
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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p3 reload box art + the art book cover!
#persona 3#minato arisato#makoto yuki#lizzy speaks#YALL HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BOY WITH SO MUCH SWAG YOU STARTED CRYING BC GOD. HE IS SO PRETTY#ME RN ME. IM NOT COHERENT. i feel very. very happy seeing the trailers..#ohhh i love seeing bits and pieces of the animated cutscenes.. both the 2d and 3d ones...#i GOTTA preorder this. february 2nd will be a great day for persona fans i think#i wish i had actual intelligent thoughts :c i saw minato and my brain evaporated into thin air#maybe tmrw after i get some sleep i will have proper thoughts though...#and maybe. i will stream because text is not enough for me to talk about how much i love this game
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i really need to finish this one day
#one of my fave ideas but i keep getting stuck or starting over. third time's the charm hopefully#anyways. posting it as an excuse to rant because i'm losing my mind over this rn for no reason#incoherent but i just need to Talk or my brain won't shut up#you ever think about how fucked up it is that aoi feels guilty over what happened. i do. i think about her a lot#he can't even look at me. we aren't even blood related but he still had to go to jail because of me. i still love him#in reality none of it is her fault. it shouldn't be about doumeki in the first place. baby girl you were 15 when it happened.#you can say that yashiro is cruel in his dismissiveness (on the surface) of doumeki's trauma but you can see where he's coming from#you got a glimpse of what your sister was going through? of what i went through? and now you're sooo guilty over it? and who does it help?#doumeki's so focused on his own feelings that he ignored aoi when they were living together. “saves” her by pure chance#proceeds to focus on his guilt and ignore her again. if yashiro didn't get involved she'd be sitting in the rain for god knows how long#yet she still loves and to some degree idolizes him#yashiro and aoi both saying that doumeki isn't the type of person to be a yakuza too. doumeki's good doumeki's better than that#and then ch 24 happens. where yashiro says that he's going to throw up and doumeki's response is “i probably won't stop even if you do”#“guess i am like my father after all” and yashiro still goes “you're not. you're pure and im the problem”#(touches doumeki's face. rare gentle gesture. he's gentle afterwards too before leaving. man.)#he's not cruel enough to repeat what he said in the earlier conversation and he doesn't actually believe it anyway#but i wish yashiro was cruel there. it shouldn't have been about doumeki and his feelings. again.#something about yashiro throwing a knife at another person and it flying back at him huh#for all the talk about how doumeki supposedly romanticizes yashiro it really is the other way around. always has been#which is a whole other conversation but yeah. everything about aoi and yashiro in relation to doumeki makes me so fucking sad#but this is also what i mean when i say that aoi doesn't haunt the narrative per se but still has this weird presence?#she's in the parallels. she's in the brief but important mentions. she's in the “your sister was lucky she had you”.#wips tag
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wow! nice shounen battle series. do you give your characters enough time to develop so their fights have emotional weight or is it all just spectacle?
#bolo liveblogs#I like jjk so far but god I wish these characters had time to breathe. gojo and geto's whole thing in particular is so undercooked#the relationship that interests me the most rn is itadori and sukuna and that's because of the Themes and Potential of it mostly#I'm hallucinating that they have a very interesting dynamic that touches on issues of selfhood power corruption etc.#and in canon they're just some guy and the ps5 speaking to him inside his brain
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um…so…..I feel totally okay about this…yeah…he looks so mediocre 👍
#windshield rambles (^･o･^)#IM A HORRIBLE LIAR#I SCREEECHED AT THIS#SORRY TO LIMITLESS N MITZI WHO HAD TO WITNESS THIS#GOD#OH JY FUCKING GOD HE LOOKS SO GOOD HERE I REWINDED JUST TO WATCH THIS AGAIN#IM SO FUCKING SICK IN MY STOMACH#I WANT HIM I NEED HIM HE NEEDS TO BE MINE RN#I WANNA SAY UNSPEAKABLE THINGS I WANNA DO UNSPEAKAVLE THINGS#IM GOING TO SLAM MY HEAD INTO THE WALL RN#HE LOOKS SO FUCKING GOODDDDDDD OH MY GOD HE LOOKS AMAZING I WANT HIM NOW#NO YALL DONT UNDERSTAND HOE DOWN BAD I AM FOR SHIDOU#UGH I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO DRAW HIM WELL I NEED TO DO THIS MAN JUSTICE#I’m not a shidou apologist cuz I think he’s great the way he is#I love my men insane#I wish I could tattoo this into my brain#I want him please#I need him to devour me#sorry
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#what do you call it when a mind is lacking in depth of m thought? is there a word for that?#because all my mind can do is spin in tiny circles. never push any further. no depth of thought#i cant even carry out this line of thought to completion in my head. i have to write it down like this or else it remains stuck in an eddy#its so frustrating. when my thoughts are pressured i spin so fast it feels like my head might pop but the thoughts never go anywhere#bc they just repeat the same god damn things all thr fucking time. they drag me around in circles. then when im feeling low or even like#normal. my head just feels empty and it freaks me out. i have no intersting thoughts to think. theres nothing behind my eyes#possibly its just my brain on 0cd. but how am i suppose to escape the spiral if its in my own head? i guess im just supposed to changr my#reaction to it. recognize what it is and let it go. but i dont like it#i just want to curl up on a warm tile floor. press myself into a quiet corner and not think anything#in an aquarium or a conservatory. specifically the conservatory in Columbus. i love that place#i went there for my birthday when i was like 12 bc i liked it so much. the botanically gardens and the butterflies and the stained glass#i dunno. i just like it there. ugh. im just tired#god. there was a really cool talk today and im always like im not that inattentive lol but then i cannot for the life of me follow a talk or#read a paper all thr way through. my short term working memory is just a tiny little cup. easy to overfill#so i miss mostly everything. its so frustrating#its all frustrating. whatever. back to the psychiatrist tomorrow. probably up thr lamicta1 dosage#bc im past where i was last time i had a reaction to it 💪#i just wish i wanted to draw. drawing just makes me tired and impatient rn#unrelated
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anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day
#its just like atm everything that i need is like . not possible. which is oartially my brain being like We have to do this before we this#which sometimes isnt true but sometimes is#like i cant get medicated again or back seeing a psych or back on t until i get a job again#but i cant get a job again utnil i get my ged <- partially untrue but ged would make it a lot easier#but i cant get my ged until i have a job bc it costs money <- if i asked my parents they would probably help me If they had money 2 spare#since like. yk. they want ne to be able to work again so i have money again and ill be another source of income and they care abt me also .#affirmations . ppl donot just see me as a piggy bank they do see me as a person im not judt someone to squeeze money out of thats not how#ppl view me and its fine its fine its fine its fine . it feels so stupid being scared abt that i feel like a rich person whos like She only#likes me for my money 😭 like stfuuu annoying ass. i just ummmm. have a massive fear of debt and like. ppl demanding money from me#unexpectedly or expecting i am going to give them money. not in like a Ohhh fucking ppl want me to donate not it at all im happy to donate#but in like. god this is dumb. eveeytime i got birthday or christmas money as a kid i had to give it to my parents so they could buy food or#gas or whatever. and it never got paid bsck and it felt like shit. but i couldnt ever say no bc then itd be My fault we didnt have food that#week . yk. my first paycheck i had to give it all to my mom for groceries and we got in a fight in the store bc she was like Ok im gonna go#buy pop and my dumbass got upset abt it bc like. my mom told me itd be Necessities nd like. yk. wtvr. it was fucking stupid my entire family#r caffeine addicts so pop is a necessity i was just. rly upset and it felt like my parents saw my money as just. theirs but they had to ask#abt it so i wouldnt get pissy. yk. and they ask me for money a lot usually for food and i dont mind but it like. idk im rly paranoid abt#being a provider and ive got a Lot of guilt abt like. anytime we dont have enough food it feels like my fault bc it was my fault when i wasa#kid if i didnt give up my christmas money for pizza. or whatever. idk its so dramatic like i didnt need the money i was 8 it was selfish of#me to wanna buy fucking. toys or whatever that wasnt more important than My parents being able to get to work or my siblings being able to#fucking. literally eat. or paying bills. like its selfish that im like wahhh wahhh but i wanted to buy vibeo game wif my bday money i#shouldve judt been fucking grateful i was able to help my family. wtvr. I hate connor. wtvr#n then the shit with ugh last year like. yk. and stuff. and then the them stealing 1000 from me not getting into it b4 i get mad. idk.#and im just lazy now i need to get a job again but all the shit like. as i was saying earlier b4 i started whining. idk. i should be happy#that i get to help w bills and stuff that was my dream as a kid#like ever since i was 5 when i was fantasizing abt my future i was like Im gonna marry a prince and then ill be able to afford to pay all of#my families bills and my parents and siblings will be able to go to college and be happy and maybe never have to work bc ill be able to#handle it and ive always like. yk. when i was a dumbass kid i was like Ill go to college so i can get a good job and be useful. of course i#cant ever go to college bc im fucking. useless. and itd just be another burden on my family if i was in debt bc i couldnt help them as much#if i had debt and itd be selfish. and it doesnt matter bc im too stupid to go to college anyway. idk. i wish i could just fix everything#it just feels awful rn im literally just a drain and my family doesnt say it to me yk like. ik theyre happy imback i think they are
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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho#bro i cant keep living like this#i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep#i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not#i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough#i get headaches every other day#my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company#i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries#which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever#and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability#in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL#AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL#do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn#i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it#its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation#fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever#but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that#but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work#from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space#theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped#i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them#i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without#fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and#overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck
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really wish there was a tag that separated “I’m having Big Angry and/or Angsty Opinions about Star Wars” from “I’m goofing off with Star Wars I’m playing in the sandbox none of this is real so yes I will make my blorbo and this random glub shitto go on an adventure that makes no logical sense” posts because there’s too much of the former and not enough of the latter for my current mental state
#starlight personal#the good news is that I finally have another ketamine appt scheduled and it’s sooner than I thought they’d have an opening#the bad news is that the appointment is not tomorrow and we’re kinda at the end of my mental-emotional rope#now kids this is what we call: an inherent flaw in my treatment plan that cannot be removed#because pretty much in an ideal world I’d have ketamine appointments every 6 weeks but 1) expensive and probs can’t afford that#2) they don’t have enough availability for that to be realistic 3) can’t take off of work THAT frequently without consequences#4) I would probably start to doubt reality if I was tripping that frequently 5) I don’t think docs would allow it#treatment resistant depression and anxiety my beloathed if we could just chill that’d be great#treatment resistant PMDD my other beloathed someday I will do my damnedest to cut you out of my body#idk not to be too selfpitying on main but god it fucking sucks that I appear to be doomed to another cycle based mood thing#PMDD means I get two good weeks two bad weeks#ketamine being the only effective treatment for whatever my brain’s got going on means two good months followed by x bad months#until my next appointment#which like! two good months is better than no good months I am grateful that something helps#I just wish it was a more convenient help and it could be applied more consistently than my psych office provides#also wish I didn’t have to call them 3 times to get it scheduled but it is what it is#also also wish that I had fewer of the physical side effects of my anxiety and wouldn’t wake up puking the min things are rough#this is all to say: I want silly SW headcanons and droid headcanons and silly fic ideas and not Everyone is Always Suffering#but I’m also too lazy (I.e brain cannot make decisions rn) to search for new tags that may give me more silly#which means time to browse my bookmarks for good good comfort fics I have saved I suppose#(this is lowkey why i want to physically fight everyone i know who’s like ‘yeah meds would help but idk :/‘ like!!!!!!!!#bro it’s a privilege to have access to meds and it’s a privilege to have a body that doesn’t turn on you the min you take one!!!!#just try 10mg of zoloft I would kill for 10mg of zoloft to not make me entirely incapable of functioning!!!)#I don’t mean that - you have a right to take or not take medication and everyone’s reasons may be their own#I just had my body and have some rough feelings around treating my issues being so expensive and inconvenient#and then feeling guilty b/c I know I’m lucky that I can afford it and can take off of work for it when I need to#like I am pretty lucky to have something that works and to have a care team that helped me get here#so I don’t wanna be ungrateful or unappreciative of my own luck in this and the work that went into getting here#I’d just also like it if I could change the circumstances slightly#make treatment on the weekends an option - get my psych office to have more than 2 trip sitters so scheduling isn’t so bad
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zoro hated god so much he became satan
#which i love bc if luffy as joy boy represents god or Jesus or whatever#then#zoro being lucifer is perfect#and not bc its opposite and parallel#but bc lucifer is the barer of gods 'mistakes'#taking on the weight of sin of gods creations#zoro is always martyring himself to make up for luffys weaknesses#Lucifer is the angel god trusted the most to take on the difficult parts#knowing he would suffer but trusting him to know the suffering is worth is#it*#i wish i had better words to explain#im being rlly simplistic snd reductive bc my brain isnt working very well rn
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Yeah I'm fine I ju
#would love to be tazed repeatedly until i either have a seizure and my brain fixes itself#or my heart just straight up gives out#my horrible fucking mental health is proof that there isnt a loving god but there certainly is a funny one#laying in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about how im just a funhouse mirror reflection of whoever im talking to#absolutely no substance whatsoever and amusing to interact with on only the most basic level for 30 seconds at a time#apologies to my followers I'll probably delete this in the morning#but yeah i fill the same ecological ajd mental niche rn#as a horse with a broken leg#i wish i didn't have a bear trap for a brain and broken ceramic where my organs should be#for the sake of anyone who is aware that i had a suicide attempt a few months back#dont worry im not planning on doing anything i cant take back#my brain is just going absolutely fucking bananas rn and shredding itself to try and stop The Anguish™
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I’m in my early 20s so sometimes I forget I don’t live in a vacuum. If I fail here, if I pause here, there is so shame or rush, there are people around me that can help break my fall and I’m so lucky for that. My only job is to explore and figure out what will leave me with a fulfilling life and how my friends and family fit into that.
#I’m a neuroscience major and I have no idea what I want to do with it anymore.#in highschool and early university years it was always medical school#but first year and second year of university really broke me down#I have been considering what career I want since second year and have panicked and panicked and panicked#I don’t want to mess up the career I choose but. I have to understand that it’s ok if I do.#there’s probably no career that will be truly satisfactory#i’m rambling#I wish I had a clear cut goal#something that is driving me or something big and lofty I want to accomplish#I’m just going to list things I want in a career rn bc I’m ranting anyways#I don’t want to climb a hierarchy or rather I don’t care for it. I’m not the best at conversations and I’m terribly awkward#but I do get an energy boost when I talk to people#but my focus is best when I work on my own bc I tend to make more mistakes when working with others#when I do research for an assignment I can focus for hours at a time without getting up#all of these make me think that research might be smth to pursue rather than healthcare#but I’m scared about work life balance and general job stability#also imposter syndrome is going to hit hard#I have to do my best to get smth research positiony this summer so atleast I have experience before my last year of undergrad#and that way I’ll KNOW if it’s smth I want.#if all else fails I might go into medical lab tech bc it’s lab work forever and that sounds fun#or rad tech bc it’s a bit repetitive but also I’m scared that bc I would be working with ppl I’d make more mistakes#I just do NOT want to work in business#I’m so privelaged being able to choose a career like this when my parents couldn’t and had to grab at whatever they could#I think that’s part of the guilt of potentially failing. like I CANNOT fail my parents who worked so hard to be here and let me choose#GOD do I want stability most? do I want to learn something new regularly? id love to learn something new everyday#I think I might end up compromise and go into rad tech bc then I’ll be able to maybe do research with the brain and have a stable backup?#talks maburp#THERES TOO MANY CHOICES TOO MANY OPPORTUNITIES TOO MANY THINGS TO CONSIDER#I’m so lucky to be able to consider all these things#YAllah give me strength to make decisions and not get stuck like I keep doing this year. Yallah let opportunities drop on my lap
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i feel like the meds im taking are not helping at all and if anything theyre making it worse
#duloxetine girl i liked you at first but u suck rn.....#god i wish i was normal i wish i didnt feel sad and alien and miserable all the time#and now on top of that i feel nauseous and heavy and my mind is all tangled and i cant focus#duloxetine made me so sleepy at first i had to start taking it at night until one day i felt like i was dying#bc my heart was about to jump from my throat and i was sweating buckets#so i had to change the time again and now i take it in the mornings but all it does is make me sick#when i took it at night (paired with quetiapine) it worked soooo well bc i slept better & had energy + will to do things#now i sleep terribly and have no will. my psychiatrist says i give up too easily (true) and i cant keep a routine (also true) but like#how can i even do those when my brain doesnt help.... i already force myself 2 eat n piss n shit which r basic living organism things#is living just forcing yourself to do things forever and ever because you have to#is there no treat at the end of this suffering road#and i feel bad bc im not even Rawdogging life FOR REAL like i have it soooooo easy. living life at Extremely super easy mode#and yet i struggle.....#i should be moss or a bacteria or a rock#222
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Wow. Suddenly hit with the Big Sad and Big Loneliness
#I’m beetlejuice fr fr I guess /hj#I mean#considering#(vaugly gestures to the actually bug man in my brain)#hhh#delete later#idk I’m just. god I wish I had friends who didn’t make me feel annoying when I talk about my interests yknow#or at least respond to em#me#benny.txt#I’m high and sad rn and on my period everything fucking sucks I hate it here
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