#god i need to update heartburn.....

[spacenintendogs]

favorite headcanon ever?

i've been sitting on this ask for the past couple of days & after thinking abt it....

i need snotlout to have a little sister so BADLY....

[fandomtherapy44]

Castiel x reader Chapter 16

Summary: SEASON 5 WHOOOO!!!!!!!! LET's GO! So I am so excited for this season so many great episodes. There are going to be a lot more Cas and Y/n scenes. And more chapters too. I do recommend that you read my first book so you get the full Y/n Winchester build-up. Okay with out further due enjoy the second book of Love War and Grace.

Paring: Castiel x reader

word count: 4.4k

Warnings: Some language, Typical Supernatural violence, Spoilers for season five of Supernatural, Guns

AN/ Hey Ya'll so I did notice that it's been a month since I've updated this series sorry for that. This is the longest I've written in a while so that's part of the reason why it took so long. Anywho hope you enjoy especially Cas's and Y/n Renion.

Chapter 16: Good God Ya'll

POV: Y/n “Alright, it looks like you can go home.” The doctor said while putting her supplies away. “Great thanks doc.” She stops and seems to peer into my soul. “You know I have never seen a heart attack like yours I mean you're twenty-four, fit, don’t smoke it just doesn’t make sense.” Yeah I know but it's not like I can tell her that Angels exist and that they all pretty much hate me. “Uh yeah crazy.” I walked to the door. “You must have a guardian Angel.”  She jokily said. Oh, you have no idea.

I stepped into Bobby’s doorway to his room he was in his wheelchair just staring out the window. “Hey, what did the Doc say?” Sam asked me. “All good thanks to Cas.” Speaking of him where the Hell is he. Dean comes to us carrying an envelope. “It's been like three days now?” Sam and I both sighed. “We got to cheer him up. Maybe I'll give him a backrub.” “Dean” Again Sam and I both said. “Look...we might have to wrap our heads around the idea that Bobby might not just bounce back this time.” I mean he’s right this kind of news you don't just get drunk and forget about it.

“What's in the envelope?” I nod at the paper. “Went to radiology.” He pulls out the X-ray. “Got some glamour shots.” It was his ribs and it had Enochian engraved in his bones. “Is that why I feel like I have the worst heartburn ever.” I pointed to the picture. “Yup, curtsy of Cas apparently no demon or Angel can find us” Okay does not mean him too? Then Sam’s phone rings. “Hello? ...Castiel?” CASTIEL! “Speak of the devil.” “Ah, St. Martin's Hospital. Why? What are you—Cas?” Cas had hung up on Sam. And the Angel walks up to us. “Castiel…” I just got lost in my thoughts staring at him.

“Y/n I'm glad to see that you're doing well.” That’s it! He must have something on his mind. “Cell phone, Cas? Really? Since when do angels need to reach out and touch someone?” Dean questioned. “You're hidden from angels now—all angels. I won't be able to simply—” He tried to explain. “Enough foreplay.” Bobby announced from his chair. “Get over here and lay your damn hands on.” “I can't.” What? “Say again?” He spun in his chair.

“I'm cut off from heaven and much of heaven's power. Certain things I can do. Certain things I can't.” What about me then? “You're telling me you lost your mojo just in time to get me stuck in this trap the rest of my life?” I can see Castiel is sad that he can’t help. “I'm sorry.” “Shove it up your ass.” I feel terrible for Cas and Bobby.”At least he's talking now.” Dean commented to Sam and me. “I heard that.” “I don't have much time. We need to talk.” Cas directed to Dean. “Okay.” “Your plan to kill Lucifer.” “Yeah. You want to help?” “No. It's foolish. It can't be done.” Cas does really not have any fucks to give.

“Oh. Thanks for the support.” “But I believe I have the solution. There is someone besides Michael strong enough to take on Lucifer. Strong enough to stop the apocalypse.” We are wondering who he’s talking about. “Who's that?” “The one who resurrected me and put you on that airplane. The one who began everything. God.” Okay God right I mean why not. “I'm gonna find God.”

Dean closes the door so people don’t think we're insane. “God?” “Yes.” “God.” “Yes! He isn't in heaven. He has to be somewhere.” Cas sounded so sure. “Try New Mexico. I hear he's on a tortilla.” Dean said and poor sweet Cas did not get the joke. “No, he's not on any flatbread.” “Listen, Chuckles, even if there is a God, he is either dead—and that's the generous theory—” “He is out there, Dean.” “—or he's up and kicking and doesn't give a rat's ass about any of us.” Cas just glares.

“I mean, look around you, man. The world is in the toilet. We are literally—at the end of days here, and he's off somewhere drinking booze out of a coconut. All right?” “Enough. This is not a theological issue. It's strategic. With God's help, we can win.” he really believes. “It's a pipe dream, Cas.” Cas gets very close to Dean. “I killed two angels this week. My brothers. I'm hunted. I rebelled. And I did it, all of it, for you, and you failed. You and your brother destroyed the world—and I lost everything, for nothing. So keep your opinions to yourself.” Damn, I don't think I've ever seen Cas like that before.

“You didn't drop in just to tear us a new hole. What is it you want?” Bobby voiced. “I did come for something. An amulet.” A necklace? “An amulet? What kind?” “Very rare. Very powerful. It burns hot in God's presence. It'll help me find him.” “A God EMF?” Sam questioned. “Well, I don't know what you're talking about. I got nothing like that.” Bobby shrugged his shoulders. “I know. You don't.” Cas turns to Dean. He looks down at Dean’s necklace. “What, this?” “May I borrow it?” Cas asked politely.

“No.” “Dean. Give it to me.” Dean is silent, he looks at me and I nod my head. “All right, I guess.” He takes it off. And hestionly gives it to Cas. “Don't lose it. Great. Now I feel naked.” Cas now has the necklace. “I'll be in touch.” He goes to walk out of the room. “CAS wait up!” 

He is very quick on his feet I guess having wings would help with that. I caught up to him and grabbed his wrist to pull him into a room ironically it was the chapel. We just stood staring at each other a little. I couldn't believe that he was here. I finally shake out of my trance-like state. And go to hug him tight like he would disappear in my fingers. And he does the same. “Cas were you really …. Dead?” I say right next to his ear. An answer came that I never hoped to hear.

“Yes.” A tear slips down my cheek and I squeeze him harder. We let go of each other slowly. We sat down on the pews. “So do you really think God will help us?” “I'm here aren't I” I sigh and process everything. “Ok, we will get God’s help then.” “Y/n do you really believe in this plan?” He wasn't just asking as a tactic to win this war but as my friend.

“I believe in you Cas yes God brought you back but you are the one who is fighting actively with us so no matter what remember that.” “Thank you Y/n, I must go start the search.” “Ok but now that you can’t just pop in where I am please use your phone that I gave you for that very reason” I finish with a smile. He gives me one back and files off.

When I was gone Rufus had called Bobby sounding really in trouble and something about Demons. We drove up to this bridge in Colorado and it looked like a tornado had walked through. “This is the only road in or out.” Great. “Looks like we're going to put those scout skills that we never learned to use boys. Let’s Go!” I grabbed my pack and gun and we were off.

We walked into the town slowly and lets just that tornado had walked over and full on ran through. Cars flipped over store doors open … blood in lots of places. Sprilikers on for hours. I had been in haunted places before but I have never felt a chill in my body like this. We are checking out this car when we hear a gun cuck and we turn around. It’s Ellen.

“Ellen hey!” I go to hug her but she raises the gun to my face. Dean gets in between us. “That’s far enough.” “Ellen, what the heck's going on here?” And in response, she throws holy water at Dean. I have to hold back my snicker. “We're us.” He says annoyed, whipping off his face. We walked to a church where the survivors of whatever happened held up. When Ellen knew we were safe she threw herself onto me first for a hug. When she hugged Dean and she pulled back she slapped him.

“You can't pick up a phone? What are you, allergic to giving me peace of mind the only one to call is Y/n. I got to find out that you're alive from Rufus?” Dean seems surprised by her care. “Sorry, Ellen.” “Yeah, you better be. You better put me on speed dial, kid.” “Yes, ma'am.” All of us go to the church basement and theirs a demon trap in front. “What's going on, Ellen?” I ask. “More than I can handle alone.” “How many demons are there?” Sam asks in almost bewilderment. “Pretty much the whole town, minus the dead people and these guys.” Holy shit Demons are having super bowl parties.

“So, this is it, right? End times? It's got to be.” Ellen states. “Seems like it.” Sam replies back. Ellen knocks on the door and the makeshift peephole cover gets moved. “It's me.” Someone opens the door and we're let in, the people in here look like they've been through… war. They all look normal and one of them is pregnant. Peachy just peachy.

“This is Sam and Dean, Y/n. They're hunters. Here to help.” A guy who looks like he's the most confident out at of everyone comes up to us. “You guys hip to this whole demon thing?” “We have some experience.” I answered laughing inside. There was another man in glasses sitting at the table who looked especially like he had seen something. “My wife's eyes turned black. She came at me with a brick. Kind of makes you embrace the paranormal.” Yeah, I would too.

“All right, catch us up.” Dean told Ellen. “I doubt I know much more than you. Rufus called. Said he was in town investigating omens. All of a sudden, the whole town was possessed. Me and Jo were nearby—” What? Now that’s a surprise. The last time I knew she would rather have Jo be a Barmaid than a hunter! “You're hunting with Jo?” “Yeah, for a while now. We got here, and the place—well, the place was like you see it. Couldn't find Rufus, then me and Jo got separated. I was out looking when I found you.” Well, that’s great.

“Don’t worry Ellen we’ll find her” I touched her arm in a comforting way. She gave me a small smile in return. “Either way, these people cannot just sit here” Sam said looking at everyone. Especially the pregnant woman. “We got to get them out now.” “No, it's not that easy. I've been trying. We already made a run for it once.” “So we just reverse the plan-” Ellen stopped me. “Sweetie we used to have twenty.” My eyes widened. “Well, there's four of us now—” Dean tried again.

“You don't know what it's like out there. Demons are everywhere. We won't be able to cover everybody.” “What if we get everyone guns?” Sam suggested. “Sam you want to give walking nursery over there one she won’t make it five feet without going into early labor.” I said to him hoping to slap some sense into him. “More salt we can fire at once, more demons we can keep away.” Of course, it didn’t work when did my brothers ever listen to me!? “Fine everyone but her I'll carry two guns” I could tell Sam was ashamed but he was right, unfortunately. Dean broke our tension.

“There's a sporting goods store we passed on Main on the way in. I bet they got guns.” “All right. You stay. We'll go.” Sam said to Ellen. “What about—” I pulled Ellen into a hug. “Ellen if she’s out there I promise to bring her back.” She had tears in her eyes but kept them back to be strong. “Thank you Y/n.” I squeezed her arms and followed my brothers. 

We stop outside the door well Dean stopped us. “Why don't we just go?” Dean directed to Sam about him and I. “What? Just you and N/n?” Sam clapped back. “Well, yeah. Somebody's got to stay here and start giving them Shotgun 101.” “Yeah. Ellen.” Sam starts to go but Dean stops him again. “No no no. It's gonna go a lot faster if you stay and help, okay?” “While you and Y/n split up to go get guns and salt and look for Jo and Rufus? That's stupid.” “Dean We’ll be okay.” “Thanks N/n.” But Dean was stubborn. “You don't want me going out there.” Sam realized. “I didn't say that.” “Around demons.” “I didn't say that.” “Fine, then let's go.” Sam stopped upstairs and Dean gave me an uneasy look.

Dean and I had gone to go look for Guns while Sam was getting salt. “Ok come on let me have it.” Dean said to me. “I don’t know what you're talking about.” I looked at the shotguns not looking up at him. “Y/n I know you, your silence speaks louder than your words so spit it out.” “Dean, I can't tell you how to feel about this.” “But you're judging me.” “No, I'm not.” I put the bag of guns on the table and filled it. I could tell he was still thinking that.

“Dean I think you're feelings about this whole demon blood situation is right but Sam deserves our sympathy with him.” “But he!-” “I know what he did I was there. But he’s our brother and I am going to choose to believe that he can handle this and if he can’t then I'll be with him every step of the way.” I stopped to take a breath. “I hope you choose that too.” I picked up the bag and walked out.

We went to the store to check on sam and when walked in the scene was not good. Sam was bent over a body looking at the blood dripping off the blade like it was liquid drugs. “Sammy?” He drops the knife. 

The basement air had grown stronger with tension more and more the longer we were stuck down here and now seeing Sammy Dean was on edge. Teaching everyone shotgunning quickly is harder than it sounds. “Miss, can you show me?” It was the pregnant woman. “Mahm what’s your name?” “Caddy.” “Caddy, do you know the gender and name?” she smiled looking down at her bump, and that right there I knew I wouldn't be able to live if I let her out there. “A girl and her name will be Andra”

“That’s a beautiful name and Andra is the reason why I can't let you go out there.” She looked shocked. “But I can fight.” “I know you can Caddy but if you got hurt then you may never know your kid and I won't allow that.” She sat down tears in her eyes. “I'll fight for you double-fisting it so don’t worry the demons will get it no matter what.” I tried to add a little humor to it. “Thank you.” “Don’t mention it.”

“I'll be back.” I overheard Ellen say. I got straight up. “Where are you going?” “I can't sit here on my ass. My daughter's out there somewhere. I'm not back in half an hour, go. Get these people out of here.” Before I can say anything Sam speaks up. “No, wait. I'll go with you.” “Whoa, hold on. Can I talk to you for a second?”  My two brothers walked out. And I could hear the arguing. Suddenly the door pops open. Dean is up against the wall and Sam is holding him there. “If you actually think I—” Sam was getting emotional and they were talking about the demon blood.

With Sam and Ellen gone the pastor was reciting prayers like crazy. And Dean was thinking, walking back and forth. Someone pounds on the door Dean goes to open it and there is Ellen. “Ellen, what happened Where's Sam?” I asked, seeing her state telling me that she had taken a punch. She doesn't answer me and just sits down.

“They took him? Demons took him? Oh my god. What if they're in here? The demons?” Caddy got very worried. “Caddy don't worry they can't get past that door.” I pointed. Dean grabbed a shotgun and was going to leave. “Everybody sit tight. I got to—” He glanced back at everyone and saw their faces and knew he couldn't leave them like this. “Okay, we need to get a plan together. Tell me everything.” He sat down and tells the pastor and he gave me a nod of his head like, don’t worry.

“Guys, one of them's in Jo. We got to get it out without hurting her.” Well, now it's personal. Ellen snorts, laughing at something. “It called me a bitch.” “Ok no offense Ellen but I've been called worse because I took the last hot dog at seven eleven,” I responded. “No, that's not what I meant. It called me a black-eyed bitch.” Dean and I hear and either these demons are looking in mirrors or something fishy is going on.

“What kind of demons are these? Holy water and salt roll right off. My daughter may be an idiot, but she's not stupid. She wears an anti-possession charm. It's all kind of weird, right?” Ellen commented putting the pieces together. “The whole thing's off.” Dean finished. “What's your instinct?” Mine would be call Cas but I know he’s trying to look for God or whatever. “My instinct? My instinct is to call Bobby and ask for help. Or Sam.”

“Well, tough. All you got's me and N/n, and all we got's you. So let's figure it out.” “You know I agree with Ellen Dean.” “All right.” “Ellen do you know why Rufus came was there a specific sign or?” I asked. “He said something about water. That's all I know.” Water? “Padré, you know what she's talking about—the water?” Dean asked the pastor. “The river. Ran polluted all of a sudden. Last Wednesday. And the demon thing started up the next day.” Interesting. “Anything else anything at all?” “Maybe, but it's pretty random.” “Trust me Austin in this life nothing is random.” he takes in my own words. “Shooting star—does that count?”

The three of us look at each other in knowing. “Real big. Same night. Wednesday.” “That definitely counts.” Dean goes over to the bookshelf and grabs one of the many Bibles. And flips through the pages till he finds the right one. “"And there fell a great star from heaven, burning like a torch, and it fell upon the river, and the name of the star was Wormwood. And many men died."” I leaned down on the table thinking about it.

“I don’t know about you guys but that sounds like a giant ass warning sign of the apocalypse.” “Y/n’s right.” Dean agreed with me. “And these specific omens, they're prelude to what?” “The Four Horsemen.” The pastor responded. “And which one rides the red horse?” Dean questioned. “War.” war!? War. “Dean that sweet ride that was parked on main street the red Mustang.” I pointed out and he shook his head in agreeance. “If War is a dude and he's here, maybe he's messing with our heads.” “Turning us on each other.” Ellen concluded. “You said Jo called you a black-eyed bitch. They think we're demons, we think they're demons. What if there are no demons at all and we're all just killing each other?” I asked everyone in general to everyone. 

“So now you're saying that there are no demons and war is a guy.” Austin vocalized and he was right, our lives sound like they were ripped from a cheesy early two thousand TV show. “You believed crazy before.” Dean voiced back. Then there was another slamming on the door. It was Roger which is weird because I don't remember leaving.  “I saw them, the demons. They know we're trying to leave. They said they're gonna pick us off one by one.” “Wait wait wait. What?” Dean proclaimed our thoughts.

“I thought you said there were no demons.” “Austin there's not, okay.” I told him. “I thought someone should go out and see what's going on!” Oh come on! If I did not know about the supernatural world I would be pissing my pants right now! “They're gonna kill us unless we kill them first!” Roger responded in panic. “Guys please hold on!” “No, we got people to protect. All right, the able-bodied go hunt some demons.” Austin said straight back at me. He grabbed the shotguns.

“Whoa whoa whoa. Slow your roll. This is not a demon thing.” Dean tried to stop him.  Out of t the corner of my eye, I see Roger twist a ring on his finger. Fuck it's him. “Look at their eyes! They're demons!” He pointed at us and I'm sure we looked like demons. Caddy gasps. No no! “Caddy!-” But before I could get another word out Dean pulls me out of the room and a gunshot almost hits us.

“Okay this is plan you and Ellen get Jo and I'll get Rufus.” Dean whispered to us. We nodded and went to them.Ellen sets off the bomb. Jo walks a little close to window and Ellen grabs her and pins her to the wall. Of course she tries to fight. “Now you listen up, Joanna Beth Harvelle.” Ellen pulled the full name card. “Jo its us!” “Get off of me bitches!” “Jo if we were demons we would have disaboled you by now!” I try to reason. She listens. “N/n?” “Yes!” 

Now both of them didn’t want to kill us we could talk. “We all on the same page?” Ellen asked. Rufus and Dean nod. “Good.” “Hi, Jo.” “Hey.” Ok sensing tension between these two I'll pin that for later. “Okay, we got to find War before everybody in this town kills each—” Gunshots. Everyone ducks. “Damn it! Where's Sam?” Dean yells. “Upstairs.” I let him go, I had a feeling that Caddy needed help. They have the horseman and I have the people.

Ellen and I tried to sneak out to the battlefield but it was pretty hard with bullets flying through the air. “Caddy! Caddy, you have to get out of here!” “No, you're a demon!” “Caddy if I was a demon I would want you out here!” she was going to say something else but I saw a person behind her holding a handgun.

“CADDY!” I push her out of the way and a bullet goes into my arm and I'm pushed back on the ground by the force. I don’t even have time to look at my wound before the guy gets on top of me with a knife. He’s about to stab me in the heart but I catch his wrists before he can slam down. I'm slowly losing strength and the knife is slowly going down. I’m sorry guys, Cas.

The blade is about to go in my chest when the guy stops. “What the fuck!!” He gets off. “Yeah me too dude.” I breathe deeply. “Y/n! Are you okay?” CAddy asked me. “Nothing a little dirt won’t fix.” I simled to hide my pain. “You saved me.” “It was nothing.” She pulls me into a hug. “Yes, it was.” 

It feels surreal to be at such a wonderful beautiful place when the day was so ugly and stressful. I was sitting at the picnic table with my brothers twirling the ring in my hands. “So, pit stop at Mount Doom?” Dean broke the silence. “Dean—” “Sam, let's not.” “No, listen. This is important. I know you don't trust me.” Dean looks away and I nudge him to bring him back. “Just, now I realized something. I don't trust me either.” We both look at him.

“From the minute I saw that blood, only thought in my head...and I tell myself it's for the right reasons, my intentions are good, and it, it feels true, you know? But I think, underneath...I just miss the feeling. I know how messed up that sounds, which means I know how messed up I am. The thing is, the problem's not the demon blood, not really. I mean, I, what I did, I can't blame the blood or Ruby or...anything. The problem's me. How far I'll go. There's something in me that...scares the hell out of me, Dean Y/n. In the last couple of days, I caught another glimpse…” “So what are you saying?”

“I'm in no shape to be hunting. I need to step back, 'cause I'm dangerous. Maybe it's best we just...go our separate ways.” I think he's right if he needs time. “Well, I think you're right.” Dean responded and Sam and I were both surprised. “I was expecting a fight.” “Me too.” “The truth is I spend more time worrying about you than about doing the job right. And I just, I can't afford that, you know? Not now.” I feel like Dean is still avoiding his feelings but that's up to him. “I'm sorry, Dean.” “I know you are, Sam.”

“So Y/n which one of us do you want to go with. I thought for a minute and then I came back with an answer. “I think a little separation will be good for us all to sort through our own feelings without anyone else's opinion mixing in our own.” I want Dean to really think by himself. “Where will you go?” They both ask me. “With Ellen and Jo if they are okay with that.” Sam stands up and hugs me. “But you better still call me that threat could still happen.” I tease. “You too Dean.” “Yeah, I know my little sister can kick my ass.” He said as he hugged me. 

Jo and Ellen are packing up a truck. “Hey, N/n came to say goodbye?” Ellen asked. “Um actually the opposite and I totally understand if you don't want to but I was wondering if you had space for an extra hunter for a while.” Ellen throws me a pack in response. “Well come on we just got word on a possible vamp nest in Texas.” Jo smiles and we get in the truck. I roll down the window and just hope that this time apart will bring us together. 

AN/ Hope you all enjoyed and don't worry the siblings will be back together soon enough. See you Ya'll next time Xoxo Gossip Girl:)

[thelunarsystemwrites]

Lunar's LustVerse Masterpost!

A post where I'll put all my Lust Sanses! They're all linked here, along with some tags if they were inspired by someone!

ONE-SHOT LUST'S (<- No AU!)

Monster high style Lust!Demon Lust!

Ladybug therian Lust! (<- Inspired by @green-sans-but-xxl-gayness)

My Fanon!Lust design (OUTDATED!)

My updated Fanon!Lust design! (Coming soon!)

AU LUST'S!

Tea!Lust Sans, AKA Matcha! (<- Inspired by Ccino sans by @black-nyanko!)

Infectious Love Tale Lust! (<- Inspired by the Darkening AU, by @/Shadowy-suitcase-herring-neck!) (Also inspired by The Zombie Song by Stephanie Mabey!)

Agereverse Lavender!

Lustarous! (Enby!Lust - UTQV!) (<- Inspired by @nightmareishomophobic!)

Little!Lustarous!

Dustarous! (<- inspired by @ant1quarian) (<- sorry I ripped off your name.)

Strawberry Lust! (The berry Grove UTMV) (<- inspired by @inka-boi!)

CressaTale Lust!

CrestaTale Lust v1 and v2! (I've finally decided, V1 is the Canon version, but needs to be updated.)

AurelaTale Lust!

Camper AU Lust - Coming soon.

Lipstick Lust! (UTMV superhero au!)

'Super hecked up magical girl AU' Heartburner! (<- Was also inspired by my mum!)

Fanmade Lust from the Magical girl au 💞 by @ksopaz!

Lunarst! (God AU)

Biblically inaccurate bunny Lust!

Carnal! (LusterrorTale!)

Beach day AU Lust!

If you'd like to be removed from tags, just let me know and I'll take you off!

And, I believe that's all of them! I will update this as I can! ^^

Lust was created by NSFWshamecave, who has since given him to the AU community.

[basiccortez]

(Bc I’ve been going through it)

Whatever you do… don’t picture Rhett helping you with postpartum and reassuring you that everything’s gonna be okay and checking in with you using the phrase

“Do you need a break?”

“No I’m okay”

“For your own safety are you sure”

(My wife and I just had our first and that’s the check in system we use)

I hope all is better! Postpartum can be the most beautiful and terrifying thing all at once. I hope you and your wife are doing better:) (ps. . .send updates cause I love getting updates. If you want, no pressure:)

--- --- ---

When Rhett found out he was going to be a father, he was terrified. He didn't know the first thing about being a good dad. Sure, Royal was around and taught Rhett how to tie his shoes and ride a horse, but that was about it.

Royal was a mean drunk and was always harder on Rhett than Perry. And sure, Perry was a good dad now, that Rebecca was gone. He provided for Amy the best he could, but had moments where he would shut down and hide away for days, leaving Amy to fend for herself.

So Rhett hit the books, and the internet finding articles and passages on how he can be a good partner for you during your pregnancy. He didn't understand a lot of it, he never really cared for biology in high school, but did what he could. It surprised you sometimes when you'd be making him breakfast and he'd walk in spouting off some random fact about the baby's gestation.

"Ya know, they are the size of a plum at twelve weeks," He said, reaching up to grab a coffee mug.

"Okay. . . "

"Interesting, ain't it."

Rhett knew that the most important time was the postpartum period. He read that it was the time where you were going to need him the most. The pregnancy itself was easy, you didn't have a lot of morning sickness, or heartburn, or insomnia. Rhett was always there with your favorite cravings and rubbing your feet. He even shaved your legs, which was a whole mission in itself. But when it came time to actually deliver your baby, he was by your side the whole time.

"I don't think I can do this," You cried as you buried your head into his stomach. Rhett stood in front of you and rubbed your back, as you sat on the side of the bed.

"You can do this, sweetheart, I know you can," He lifted your head so you can look at him, "Tell me what you need. Do you need drugs? Do you need to go walk? Do you need a hug?" You chuckled at his words and nodded your head, "A hug? You need a hug?"

"Please," You whimpered and Rhett hugged you tightly.

The birth of your daughter was the worst thing you had ever gone through. It was agonizingly long, having to have pushed for nearly an hour. You could feel with every single push your energy depleting. Rhett hated seeing you in pain, and he tried his hardest to not let you see him cry. You felt relief when your daughter was born, her cry filling the room, and the doctor placing her on your chest.

"Oh my god," Rhett cried, and wiped his cheek, "Look at her. Hi, baby."

"We did it, Rhett," You smiled up at him.

Postpartum had started out somewhat easy. Lucille, aka Lucy was a beautiful little girl, who passed all her newborn tests with flying colors. You and Rhett were able to be discharged the next day. The only thing the doctors were worried about was you. You had torn during labor, causing even more postpartum pain than normal. Rhett had paid close attention to what the midwife said on how to help you heal from it and still care for Lucy.

The three of you had been home for nearly three weeks, slowly adjusting to the life of being a parent. You knew how needy newborns were, you were the only source of comfort, and nutrients for her. At first you liked it, you liked knowing that you had to be there for her every time she cried, and that she was in search of you. But you were starting to grow tired, your body was still healing and working in overdrive trying to adapt to no longer growing a baby inside of you.

You groaned as you heard Lucy's cries from across the room. The sun wasn't even up yet, but was starting to break across the horizon. Rhett was up early, trying to get the feeding done before Lucy would wake up. He had gotten good these past couple weeks at judging her schedule, so he could still get things done on the ranch and be there for the two of you. Royal, Perry and even Cecilia had helped fill in the void of Rhett being gone.

You pushed yourself up slowly from the comfort of your bed. Your lower half was still sore, the healing from birth was taking longer than you thought. You expected yourself to bounce back within a couple days.

"It's okay, Lucy," You cooed as you reached the basinet slowly. You picked her up and shushed her. You walked down to the nursery, and sat down in the rocking chair so you could feed her. Lucy was good at feeding, she had latched on quickly at the hospital which led to a comment from Rhett and an eye roll from you.

Lucy's crying ceased for the moment, but the second she was done feeding, the cries started back up again. You walked around the living room, trying to get her to calm down and back to sleep.

Rhett took his boots off outside, so he didn't track in the house. He knew how much you hated mud and if you could have it your way, he would totally shower outside before coming in. Pushing the door open, his heart broke at the sound of his little girl's cries. IT had only been three weeks, but he hated hearing her cry.

"Lucy girl, come on, you're feed and changed," You said, bouncing her slightly as you walked and looked over at Rhett.

"Hey mama," He said and walked over to the two of you, “Do you need a break?”

“No I’m okay," You answer, shaking your head. But Rhett could see it in your eyes. You were tired, no matter how much you tried to fight and tell him that you weren't, you were exhausted.

“For your own safety, are you sure?" He asked again. You sighed and shook your head, "What can I do?"

"Can you put her down?" You asked, "I really need to pump and I can't do that when she's crying like this."

"Of course, sweetheart," Rhett said. He undid the buttons of his flannel, leaving him in just the white Henley underneath. He gently picked up the little girl from your arms and held her against his chest. Lucy still wailed and Rhett walked over to the coffee table and picked up one of her pacifiers.

"I'll be back in like 10 minutes," You said.

"Take all the time you need," Rhett said and kissed your cheek, "We're gonna go outside."

"Okay, please put her sun hat on."

"I got it, mama," Rhett assured you with a smile, "Go pump and take a nap. I got this." You nodded and kissed him, before going back upstairs to your shared bedroom. Rhett did what you said before going outside with Lucy. He sat on the porch swing and held her against his chest.

--- --- ----

A/N: sorry if I rambled and got off topic but I tried to keep it short and sweet :)

[anxiouspregnantlady]

7w

hello--quick update, though not that much to say. nausea has kicked up a notch, came close to throwing up in the middle of dim sum lunch today, but i still believe it's a *bit* milder than the last go around. i am barely functional. i am very tired, could probably fall asleep anytime i lie down (which is extremely abnormal for me), napping most days with P, needing to be in bed before or around 10pm. nipples are still a bit sore though possibly less intense. still breastfeeding, a bit of a qn mark there. other than that, maybe very mild heartburn, dizzy more easily, constipated, weird dreams.

i still vacillate between optimism and spiraling, though it's good that i am vacillating and not totally spiraling.

counting down the days to my ultrasound next week.

p is my meditation. i look at her and think about the fact that - i made her - she is beautiful - she made me a mama - my body is capable - i have her even if this pregnancy doesn't work out - she was worth the wait, and the next one will be too, regardless of how long the wait is - oh god we're going to be so tired.

have been trying b6 and not very sure if it's working. will get my hands on some unisom once stateside.

[skyriderwednesday]

Hiccups

After rushing lunch to get to a meeting with Vetinari, Vimes suffers the- hic! -consequences of his actions. He's never going to live this one down...

(Sam gets the hiccups - in fic form at last! G rated, 1013 words)

AO3 link in source

Indigestion had been inevitable. Shoving most of a sandwich down your throat before running out the door had never been the kindest thing to do to your gut, Vimes knew that. Heartburn and stomach ache he could deal with. He could put up with reflux and unpleasant grumbling just fine. Short of actually throwing up as a result, nothing could really embarrass him in relation and even then, not by much. Point was, he'd been starving and he had been late, and now he had eaten and he was here - both maybe a bit too quickly. His calves were burning as he sat down heavily in the antechamber to catch his breath. His stomach stopped grumbling in a way that concerned him after about a minute, and his heart rate recovered from his practical run across the Brass Bridge. He settled and glanced at that godsforsaken clock. He wasn't too late, not that that would have been much of an issue.  What was an issue was– hic! Oh no. Vimes clapped a hand over his mouth. He couldn't– hic! –couldn't have– hic! –hiccups now, not when– hic! –not when he had to– hic! –to go in– hic! –in there any minute. Not when Vet– hic! –Vetin– hic! –Vetinari was expecting a– hic! –report out of him. More than that, was– hic! –expecting– hic! –update on– hic! Vimes held his breath. He barely made fifteen seconds out of it before– hic! Gods, this would ruin him. No one who worked– hic! –directly for Vetinari gossiped. Vimes suspected that they'd be shot if they even thought of telling anyone they shouldn't about what happened in the Oblong Office, but– hic! –preventing rumour in Ankh-Morpork was like trying to keep water in a sieve– hic! –and he was already on thin ice for– hic! –for telling– hic! –Selachii exactly where he could shove– hic! Vimes groaned in frustration. He could ask for a glass of water but– hic! –but he had been late. He had kept Vetinari waiting. He tolerated waiting for Vimes, but– hic! –Vetinari wouldn't be pleased when he entered that room, and to delay any further because– hic! He desperately tried holding his breath again. He made it longer this time, refusing to let go even as he felt his diaphragm jerk painfully against his lungs, only giving in when his cheeks started to burn and the strain of fighting his instincts insisting he breathe threatened to introduce a pounding headache to the equation. His chest heaved and for the moment it seemed like he had defeated the beast when– hic! Godsdamnit. That one hurt as well. Hic! Vimes put his head in his hands. His only hope was that– hic! –Vetinari would leave him in the antechamber long enough for his hiccups to go away on their– hic! –own. No such– hic! –luck. "Enter," Vetinari called through the office door. Vimes– hic! –groaned. Reluctantly he stood up, straightened his breastplate– hic! –straightened his helmet and, feeling as if he was walking directly into the arms of– hic! –death, opened the door. Right, he commanded himself, no more bloody hiccups.

"Ah, Vimes ," Vetinari said as he entered. "So nice to see you this afternoon." Vimes had never more wanted to punch him. He took off his helmet and chose a spot on the wall, but not before he noticed Drumknott lurking behind Vetinari's chair with an armful of folders. This was not going to go well. "Afternoon sir," he said tersely. "I may only assume that you have been supremely busy since the last time I saw you, Vimes." "Yes–" he managed to swallow a hiccup, "–sir." "Good," Vetinari said a little absently. Vimes glanced towards the desk in time to see Drumknott hand him a sheet of paper. "No doubt you are continuing to follow every possible lead," Vetinari began, pausing as he scanned the paper's contents. Vimes gripped his helmet tightly, trying to pay attention to what he was saying without breaking his focus. He suppressed another hiccup, feeling a little like he had just been punched in the ribs. Vetinari continued, "and neither of us can overstate the seriousness of this matter. As such, I ask that you will hear my perspective on these incidents." "Sir," Vimes said, trying not to exhale. He felt the change in Vetinari's expression, knew that he had inclined his head, maybe glanced quizzically at Drumknott, but didn't dare look at him. "I have observed that there is a clear pattern recurrent in recent events," Vetinari said a little slowly. "One that is far too regular to be disregarded..." Vimes let his voice fade into the background as he bit his tongue against several hiccups in a row. The sensation was increasingly like being internally punched in the sternum.

After a few minutes of alternating between holding his breath and biting his tongue, the filter he set in his mind caught a "Vimes?" "Sir," he said. He heard Drumknott clear his throat awkwardly and chanced looking at Vetinari. He had lowered the paper – which had multiplied several times – and was looking at Vimes over his reading glasses with what could only be interpreted as concern. "Vimes, have you been listening?" He caught a hiccup within a split second, but not without inhaling sharply. "Yes sir," he said, mostly keeping his mouth shut. Vetinari's expression intensified. "...Vimes, are you feeling all right?" he asked solemnly. In honesty his ribs felt like they were starting to bruise, but Vetinari didn't need to know that. He opened his mouth– The sound was as if every hiccup he hadn't let happen happened at once. It was something like the noise a goose might make if it was sat on by an elephant. It echoed in his ears.  It frightened Drumknott. Vimes covered his mouth, his face searing with embarrassment. Vetinari looked at him, blinking evenly for several agonisingly, silent seconds.  Vimes swallowed awkwardly. Vetinari was silent for several more seconds. Then he turned slowly to Drumknott.

"Mr Drumknott, would you please fetch Commander Vimes a glass of water?"

[kaurwreck]

my @lgbtincomics​ secret gift exchange gift for @augustheart​! 

Thomas Blake woke from a fitful sleep begrudgingly. His mouth felt sticky, and his eyes burned as he pried them open with the enthusiasm of a man hungover, without any of the fond memories of drinking. 

A glance at the ungodly hour on the decrepit, ornate grandfather clock across the room and Thomas was almost sure he hadn’t slept very much at all. He couldn’t be entirely sure because the clock, like much of the House of Secrets, operated on its own logic, but he was sure enough to feel ornery over it.

He groaned, rolled over, and curled in on himself beneath his quilt.

He waited.

He uncurled himself.

He waited.

He flipped his pillow over.

He waited.

He rolled onto his stomach.

He waited.

He kicked away the blanket, only to scramble to pull it back over his naked body because what the house lacked in charm, contemporary amenities, sense, and taste, it also lacked in insulation and Vermont winters were unforgiving.

Still, he couldn’t fall back asleep, no matter how terribly badly he wanted to be not awake.

It wasn’t just that he hadn’t slept much the night before. He felt uselessly cantankerous for several reasons, most of which revolved around the emptiness of the vast, damnable house that only felt like home when the only people he loved were around.

But Sue and Ralph were on vacation somewhere warm. Scandal, Knockout, and Liana had their own home, and their own family. Bane was likely in Gotham, snapping at the Bat’s heels again, while Dead Shot was working. The last Thomas had reached out, Jeanette, Porcelain, and Ragdoll were running some grift or another. Or they were grifting each other. One of the two. Or both.

Black Alice was… somewhere, Thomas was never sure where she went when she went away, but she certainly wasn’t with him. Once, she’d tried to explain to Thomas the finer complexities of her role as a magic user in the broader web of their universe’s structure, but Thomas didn’t much care to try and understand magic users after the messy business with Etrigan and Atlantis.

It wasn’t Thomas’s place to tell his pride where they should go and what they should do.

Even if it was January, and even if January was cold and uncomfortably liminal and empty without them.

Thomas cut his losses and rolled out of bed. He couldn’t sleep, and so he’d make himself breakfast instead, and maybe find some priceless historical or magical artifact in the House of Secrets to irreparably damage for his own spiteful amusement.

Clothes irritated his skin, but he tugged on a pair of socks to acknowledge the chill. He padded across the wood floor and opened his bedroom door, closed it, and then opened it again until it led to a hallway and not a yawning chasm, as the rooms were wont to do in the House of Secrets. It only took forty-three more minutes before he found the kitchen.

Thomas liked eggs. They were tasty, they were a valuable source of protein, and they were easy to cook. Unfortunately, they were easy to cook. He needed something to occupy him a little more fully than eggs usually could, and so he compensated by cooking each egg individually. He was frying his third egg when he heard a soft scratching from the kitchen entrance. He froze and jerked his head to the sound.

There stood Strix, in a pair of overalls. She held a notepad, which read:

‘I WANT EGGS 2’

Despite the frigid house, Thomas cracked a smile.

“Sure thing, Strix. How long have you been here? I didn’t hear you come in.”

Strix returned to her notepad. When she held it up again, it read: ‘BIG HOUSE. GOT LOST.’

Thomas nodded sagely. “It’s tricky. You get used to it though.” He glanced around himself, at the high rafters and ambiguously dated kitchen appliances. “Sort of. Never mind. Grab a seat. How do you want your eggs?”

Strix cocked her head, and Thomas huffed.

“I don’t only make scrambled eggs. I can cook them in other ways too. Fried. Basted, probably.”

Strix smiled and climbed up onto the counter next to the stove. She perched there, glanced at the pile of fried eggs Thomas had already prepared, and pointed.

“Fried it is,” Thomas said. “Good choice.”

Thomas felt warm, with Strix there. He stood over the stove and chatted with her, updating her on things while she scrawled her responses and offered her own goings on. He made more eggs than either of them could eat, because he worried that when she finished eating, she’d leave again.

He was on the last egg in the kitchen when there was a shriek.

“Oh, my god,” Liana shouted while Knockout and Scandal burst into laughter from the kitchen’s threshold. “You’re naked! Why are you naked?”

“It’s my house!” Thomas retorted defensively, although he couldn’t help his smile. He’d thought they’d be home, with their newborn baby of only three months. They looked great, for all that Thomas heard about parenthood. They looked wonderful, even. 

“Oh, it’s your house now,” Scandal snorted. “Hey, there, Blake. Strix, he’s feeding you something better than just eggs, right?”

Strix, looking terribly indignant on behalf of Thomas, wrote, ‘I ASKED 4 EGGS!’

“I stand corrected,” Scandal said. “Maybe there isn’t anything better than Thomas Blake’s eggs.”

“Is there anything to eat other than eggs?” Knockout asked, breezing past Thomas and Strix to sling the door open. Thomas scratched the back of his head as she appraised the shelves, empty but for a single takeout box from three weeks prior, a bottle of horseradish, and an unidentifiable, sticky substance smeared on the shelf.

Knockout rolled her eyes, but she was grinning stupidly enough that Thomas knew she’d missed him too.

And then she touched the sticky substance, and Thomas, Liana, and Scandal shouted, “No!” in unison.

“I’m only trying to identify it!” Knockout insisted, while Liana scrambled over the kitchen island to snatch her wrist from the offending goop. There wasn’t a reality where Liana should have been able to make a former Female Fury do anything, but such was the peculiar power of love, Thomas supposed, as Liana dragged Knockout to the sink to wash her hand.

Scandal nudged Thomas with her shoulder. “We haven’t heard from you in a few weeks. Or you,” she looked pointedly at Strix who shrugged sheepishly.

‘BIZZY,’ Strix wrote.

“I didn’t want to bother you,” Thomas muttered, as he shoved the burning egg around in the pan. “How’s the baby?”

Scandal rolled her eyes. “You’re not a bother. I’d be lost without you to occasionally punch around. And our kitten’s doing well; Bane’s got her for the weekend, in Santa Prisca.”

Thomas whistled. “That’s a big step. It’s got to be the first time you’ve been away from her since she was born, right?”

Scandal bit her lip and nodded. “We want them to have a relationship, and of course I trust him with her. But I got a little anxious, so my loves thought it would be a good time to be close with family while I work on letting go a little.”  

Warmth blossomed in Thomas’s chest. He decided it was heartburn. 

Thomas turned off the stove and made a face at Scandal. “Nah, don’t do that. I don’t think I’d like you as much if you learned to relax. Yeah, I think I’d hate you, actually. But I’m happy to keep you company, as long as you promise to stay full of piss and vinegar.” 

“For you?” Scandal mused. “Always.” 

He took out a few more plates and began divvying up the mountain of his and Strix’s eggs. At Liana’s insistence, they moved to the parlor, each clutching a plate of eggs. Or they tried to move to the parlor, given the mutable nature of the House. It took a few attempts at a few different doors, but when they finally found the room, the fireplace was already crackling with heat and Jeanette and Kani were lounging on the chaise.

“Well, it certainly took you long enough, darlings,” Kani purred, and Thomas felt her familiar gaze like a favorite blanket as she playfully glanced at him up and down. “Thomas, have you gotten prettier since I last saw you?”

“Yes,” Thomas said definitively, glancing behind him, towards the kitchen, as he realized they didn’t have enough plates for everyone.  

“Settle, Thomas. I’m sure we’ll be gifted by your culinary prowess later, but it’s not important for now. Come, have some cheese,” Jeanette said, gesturing to a characteristically pretentious charcuterie board she must have arranged on the table between the chaise and the fireplace.

“I mean, feel free to put some pants on first,” Liana said, breezing by him to flop onto an overstuffed loveseat across from Kani and Jeanette. She plucked a piece of egg from her plate and tossed it in her mouth.

“And deprive us the view?” Kani winked. Thomas rolled his eyes with a grin he couldn’t quite repress and grabbed a throw blanket to toss around his waist.

Strix glanced about, a touch nervously, at the cozy but cramped interior of the room. Knockout noticed and left her plate with Scandal before collecting a small mountain of volumes of what must have been priceless books from a shelf set into the wall. Then, she dragged a chair over by the room’s window. She stacked the books beneath each leg of the chair, until the chair towered high enough that Strix perked up in delight. Strix scrambled up the makeshift perch and settled into it happily.

‘THANK U,’ Strix wrote.

“Of course, little owl,” Knockout replied, before finding her place on the love seat, with Scandal and Liana. 

Thomas sunk into the chaise at Kani and Jeanette’s insistence, and almost immediately Jeanette was tsk’ing and fussing over his hair while Kani launched into stories from the con she and Jeanette had just finished pulling over Ragdoll. 

Thomas relished that there, in that moment, within that early morning, the House of Secrets felt like home.

[achliegh]

Positive

Thank you to: @walking-crisis, @clearsuitcasecookienerd, @blingywitch, @waltzintherain, and @moonofthenight, @onlydreamofmysoul (If I missed anyone who answered my asks please let me know! I know some haven’t answered yet but I am hoping they will)

TW/CW: High school bullies, Coming out to homophobic family, Slurs, Mentions of eating disorders, Homophobic languages and attitudes, mentions of sex, and pregnancy, teen pregnancy, probably food and drink. Oh! And cigarettes and underage drinking.

Chapter 5

Her

March 2016

Leo was nervous, sitting in the hospital waiting room with his mother after Indigo collapsed this morning. Leo has been watching her like a hawk ever since they moved lunch tables. Lola was relentless in calling Indigo overweight, pointing out how she only ever wore Leo’s shirts. They both noticed that her tummy has grown so much in this last month that its getting harder and harder to hide. Her hips were starting to widen, her heartburn was making it hard for her to eat, and her mood swings made it so she would snap at anyone. She was struggling, when the doctor said that this would be hard on her they weren’t expecting this.

Leo’s mom had a very very easy pregnancy. Like she didn’t even look pregnant until month seven, she was rarely sick and she would have loved another child but the fates did not align. So, Eloise wasn’t even sure what Indigo was going through, but god dammit if she wasn’t going to be there for her.

Recently Leo’s parents have been granted parental rights by the court to Indigo, which meant that Valentia would not be contacted if something were to happen where this 15 year old girl ended up in the hospital, Valentina couldn’t do anything. She would just cause a scene making sure that every doctor and nurse in the hospital knows that Indigo is not her daughter anymore. Indigo doesn’t need more stress.

Dr. Avery came out into the waiting room and waved for Eloise and Leo to follow her. Explaining what's going on while walking towards the room.

“So, she is pretty weak right now. The tole of having twins and her not being able to eat properly have caused her body to not be able to support her. She will be okay and so will the babies but, she will need to be on bed rest and have a heart monitor for the next month. I know she is in school right now and I know Y’all are trying to keep this under the radar because of her parents. I would recommend you take her out of school for the remainder of this pregnancy. The stress of school and the walking around , even if it isn’t much, will cause her issues in the coming months.” She knocks on the door with Indigo’s name and birthday on it, abbreviated to I.N.K, it was kinda cool.

Not hearing any protest they go into the room, Leo is automatically at her side, taking her hand and looking over her. She’s incredibly pale, her eyes are dim and she just looks exhausted and a little uncomfortable. Eloise and Dr. Avery discussed more of what to watch for in the next coming months while Leo was only focused on Indigo.

“Need anything?” He pushes some of her hair off her face and runs his thumb over her cheek bone. Shaking her head Indigo just leans her head into his hand. Her love language is physical touch, so comforting her was relatively silent and calm. Pressing a kiss to her forehead he notices she is starting to doze off again. He looks at her monitors and sees everything is fine with her and the aliens in her uterus.

He feels a hand on his shoulder and knows it's his mom, he puts his hand over hers, not moving his eyes from the monitors. The guilt he has been feeling this entire time so far coming at him full force. He just wants to take some of the pressure and pain off of her shoulders. He just wants to help but he doesn’t know how and neither does she. She just tells him to be there for her and that all he will ever need to do, but it never feels like enough. He looks up at his mom and gets a sad smile sent his way.

“I think you should talk to your dad when we get home okay?” Leo nods not really understanding but there's no harm. Looking back at Indigo, he kisses her hand and keeps it pressed against his lips as he rests his elbows on the bed. He closes his eyes for a minute to finish processing everything they’ve been told.

No more Lola for indigo but not she will bug Leo until she gets answers out of him, he can hold his own. He is going to keep Parker, Reliey, and Jordan updated with her illness. Reliey and Indigo have become very close this last month, it was nice to see her have friends outside of cheer. They would get glared at in the hall for laughing too loud and they were almost always late to the first period together even if it was in different classrooms.

Parker had noticed this improvement as well, she was more social than Jordan who liked to keep to themselves. Parker had lots of stories about horse shows and her horse Marie. Which was an oddly human name for a horse but who was Leo to judge. Jordan would add jokes about how Parker was such a horse girl she was only excelling in equine science class and the rest she would have to have a tutor for. Which was almost always Jordan.

They would worry about Indigo. But, they couldn’t know what's really going on.

[elizabeethan]

You Are Bloody Brilliant

Part 4/6 of my Season 3 canon divergence series, It’s About Bloody Time

Catch up on tumblr or AO3

Summary: “Good morning, baby,” Emma hears through the haze of sleep that is still clinging to her mind. She nearly cringes at the random use of the horrible pet name as she feels a hand softly grazing over the skin of her stomach. “Happy birthday.” Her sleepy confusion grows as she thinks Killian has forgotten that her birthday’s just passed. “You were conceived ten weeks ago, today,” she hears through a small chuckle. “One of the best nights of my life, perhaps, but I won’t soil your innocent mind with any more details.”

A/N: It’s early! This story will be coming to a close soon! I’ll add 2 more parts, but I also don’t think I can resist writing dad!killian so it’s entirely possible that i’ll add a few one shots along the way. Thank you to everyone who has read, liked, reblogged, and commented on this so far. The feedback I have gotten has been so kind and it’s what’s encouraging me to finish this story!

I don't have a beta so... sorry

“Good morning, baby,” Emma hears through the haze of sleep that is still clinging to her mind. She nearly cringes at the random use of the horrible pet name as she feels a hand softly grazing over the skin of her stomach. “Happy birthday.” Her sleepy confusion grows as she thinks Killian has forgotten that her birthday’s just passed. “You were conceived ten weeks ago, today,” she hears through a small chuckle. “One of the best nights of my life, perhaps, but I won’t soil your innocent mind with any more details.” Once her post-sleep brain fog clears up a bit, it’s apparent that Killian is talking to the baby this morning, softly giving the little guy an update on their development.

“You're the size of a prune, which I don’t believe I’ve ever tried before.” His hand moves away. “You've been growing all of your vital organs. And you're starting to look more and more like a little human now that you're developing knees and elbows.” His hand returns for a moment, circling briefly and leaving again. “Your mum should be starting to feel a bit better soon, but you're still sending her to the toilet to be sick every few hours, aren’t you, love?” she smiles, opening her eyes to see his head resting on her hip as he holds his new phone, the sun streaming through the salt-watered windows and making his eyes shine. “She’s also still very sleepy, but growing you is hard work. I think she’s doing phenomenally. She’s been complaining of heartburn a lot, which I didn’t know had a name, and she also might have some headaches.” he says, his voice still low as he presses a soft kiss to her low belly. “You are a troublemaker, aren’t you?”

Emma can’t believe that she’s falling for the most perfect man on the planet. Who knew that when she left him on that beanstalk, she would end up here, willingly sleeping on his ship and happily pregnant with his child?

“Ah, did you say good morning to your mummy, little one?” She chuckles softly now, slowly closing her eyes again as he presses another kiss to her belly and slides a hand up to pull her shirt back down. “Good morning, Swan.”

“Morning,” she grumbles out, pulling a pillow from next to her over her eyes. “What time is it?”

“According to the clock on my talking phone, it’s 7:23.”

“It’s just called a phone.” Her voice is still thick with sleep, but she can’t help but to smile at his inexperience with modern technology.

“That’s an impractical name. It’s used for talking.”

“You just used it to tell my baby that he’s the size of a wrinkly old prune,” she deadpans, eyes still closed.

“Just giving him the facts, love. I believe you would call it science.”

She smiles again before rolling over on her stomach, but as soon as she does, the motion jars her. Staying on the ship with him is a good idea in theory, but in practice, it hasn’t been helping with her nausea.

She groans as she moves to stand, grabbing onto his hand briefly to steady herself as she stumbles through the room to the basin. He’s behind her in a moment, his hand holding her hair and his blunt arm running up and down her back.

Once she’s finished and her face is wiped clean, he hands her a glass of water and a few crackers, their routine finally solidified. She’s even taken to keeping a toothbrush in his desk, which he also hands her.

“Ugh,” she starts after she finishes brushing her teeth. “I love this boat, but it’s not helping the morning sickness. Or afternoon or night sickness.”

“Boat,” he scoffs, rolling her eyes as she pops a Saltine in her mouth and chases it with water. He walks her back to the small bunk and sits her down, kissing her forehead before planting himself next to her. “We’ll have to work something else out, aye love?”

She nods. “I always sleep so well here, but I guess I can’t handle the waves.” It’s true that she’s been sleeping better when she sleeps with him, so each time Henry spends the night at Regina’s, Emma spends the night with Killian.

“Tragic,” he says, his arm sliding around her waist. “Though the applications say you should be starting to feel better soon.”

“Apps.”

“Either way. I suppose now is as good a time as any to show you what I’ve been working on.”

She brings her brows together and looks up to him, seeing his bright eyes shimmering back down at her. “What have you been working on?”

“Perhaps I’ll show you tonight after work.” Emma groans at the concept of going to the station, leaning her head onto his shoulder as he chuckles and holds her slightly tighter and presses a kiss to the top of her head. “I wouldn’t argue if you chose to stay home today, though.”

His use of the word home makes her grin against his shoulder. They haven’t spoken much at all about what they’re doing here, but it almost feels like they don’t have to. He was right when he said not much needed to change between them— aside from the whole baby thing. She supposes that now she doesn’t have to sneak out, and Mary Margaret blessedly doesn’t assume she’s sneaking off to meet her ex.

If anything, she’s been feeling more secure in whatever it is that they share. Something shifted three weeks ago once they saw the little life they created. She’s heard that it’s difficult for dads to feel the full impact of fatherhood before the baby’s born, and if Killian becomes any better of a father than he has been so far, she might not survive the process of raising this kid with him.

This pregnancy is different from her last. She assumes it’s because of the changes her body has gone through over the last 12 years— she was practically a child herself the last time she was pregnant. This time around, she’s noticed that her morning (and afternoon, and evening) sickness is far more severe, as is her fatigue and breast tenderness.

She’s also recently become horny as hell.

For the last few weeks, she hasn’t really felt in the mood for sex because of how sick she’s been, but the nausea has started to fade a bit, giving way to arousal a few days ago when she watched Killian happily research the best apps for tracking gestation and fetal development. It’s the little things, she supposes.

She’s still frustrated from their date night, when she solicited him for sex and then promptly fell asleep, but damn if that wasn’t the best date she’s ever been on.

“Maybe I can stay for a little while longer,” she says softly, pressing her nose into his neck just below his ear. Her favorite part about waking up to him is the fact that he doesn’t wear a shirt to bed, giving her as much access to his fair and tattered skin as she could possibly desire.

“That so?” he asks, the shift in his tone evident. She nods against his neck and nips at his ear lobe. “Are you sure it’s… safe?”

“It’s not like I can get pregnant again,” she says, laughing lightly as her hand runs up his scarred back.

“I meant for the baby, love. Is it… I mean…”

“You're not gonna hurt him, Killian. The female body takes precautions to make sure of that.”

He nods softly, turning his head to press a gentle kiss to her temple. “Are you sure you're in the mood, love? I don’t want you to feel pressured; I know you’ve been feeling sick.”

“Didn’t you read about increased blood flow leading to excessive desire during pregnancy?”

“Aye,” he chuckles darkly. “Although I wasn’t sure if that was something you were experiencing.”

“Trust me, it is.”

He breathes out in a huff before moving quickly to capture her lips between his, his tongue sliding over her bottom lip before she allows him in. His right hand slides up her side again, this time reaching a swollen and tender breast under her shirt, and she hisses slightly.

“Sorry,” he murmurs against her mouth. “It’s okay, it feels good, just sore.”

He nods, sliding his thumb over her nipple and kissing her again before whispering, “I’ll be gentle with you.”

She sighs at the feeling of his skin against hers, reveling in the sensation of being so sensitive to his touch. She’s barely holding it together just from his hand on her breast, so she can only imagine what sex will be like.

When she’s lying down all the way, her back against the pillows and his body nestled atop hers, he stops briefly so that he can back away and pull her t-shirt off, leaving her in only a pair a pink cotton underwear. His breath catches in his throat when he looks down at her, and she can only imagine the thoughts running through his mind at the sight of her suddenly massive boobs.

“Gods,” he mumbles, his eyes finally meeting hers. “You are the most beautiful goddess of a woman I’ve ever had the privilege of laying eyes on.”

She’s blushing immediately, and not just because of how turned on he’s made her. “You're just saying that because I’m pregnant with your kid,” she jokes lightly.

“Aye, but it was true before that, and it’ll be true once he’s born.”

“Could be a she.”

“Either way, I’m the luckiest man alive.”

She can’t take it anymore, she’s liable to start crying if he doesn’t stop with his sappy romantic words (or if he doesn’t get inside her). So, she reaches up and wraps her hands around his neck, pulling him to her so that she can kiss him with ferocity, their tongues dancing together and their lips becoming swollen.

He starts kissing his way down her jaw, her neck, her chest, until he reaches her left breast and starts swirling his tongue around the nipple, making her moan loudly and embarrassingly. She feels the smug bastard smirk against her skin, and she knows that her excessive horniness is not doing anything to tone down his excessive ego.

He releases her nipple with a soft pop and works his way further south, kissing her through her underwear as he scrapes his nails up and down her inner thigh, driving her insane. She’s close to shouting at him to get on with it before she feels him tugging the garment over her ass and down her legs, discarding them on the floor beneath the bed.

Once she’s bare before him, he spreads her at the knees and licks a long strip along her center that causes her to moan much louder than she anticipated, and she knows for sure that she won’t last long. He’s probably grinning as he sucks and licks and kisses at her clit, swirling his tongue so expertly that she thinks she might burst. Once his finger slides in, followed closely by a second, he curls them against her as he continues his work against her clit, and it’s mere moments before she a whimpering mess. She clenches hard against his fingers, her entire body seizing up as she rides out the most intense orgasm she thinks she’s ever had. Although, she seems to think that exact thing almost every time she and Killian are together.

His fingers barely stop stroking inside her as he somehow shimmies his way out of his boxers, the very ones he modeled for her last week when he finally made the switch to modern undergarments. He’s up at her level and kissing her, knowing exactly where she needs him before she can even think about it herself. As he lines himself up against her, he continues kissing her and eventually moves his lips down to her favorite spot below her ear, sucking and nipping and licking the sensitive skin. God has she missed having sex with him.

“Fuck,” he breathes out against her skin as he finally slides into her. She herself is moaning and whimpering at the feeling of being stretched by him. It’s slightly uncomfortable and a bit tender, but she’s able to quickly and easily push those thoughts from her mind when she feels him slide out minutely and back in. “Bloody fucking goddess, you are.”

“Jesus,” she says, throwing her head back into the pillows. “Fuck me.”

“It’s Killian,” he corrects.

She nearly has time to roll her eyes but loses interest in doing so when he begins thrusting harder into her, his hand holding hers above her head as her mouth hangs open in a silent scream of pleasure. He’s propped up on his left elbow, just barely hovering over her face, so she leans up and kisses him as he fucks her to oblivion.

She’s an absolute moaning mess after just a few minutes, and she can’t honestly believe how quickly he’s bringing her to this point. He’s always been great at what he does, but having sex with Killian while she’s pregnant and horny may be the most incredible feeling in the world.

“Killian,” she whimpers, and he lets go of her hands so she can bring one down around his shoulder and dig her nails into his skin and the other to her clit, her heels pressing into his ass to push him deeper. “Don’t stop. Killian, please don’t stop.”

He shakes his head against her neck, sucking on her skin again. “I won’t angel. Come for me, Emma.”

It’s as if that was all she needed, his words pulling a trigger that sets off the explosion throughout her body. She’s seeing stars as she comes with force, squeezing every part of her around him and potentially adding to the scars on his back. She buries her face in the spot where his neck meets his shoulder and bites into his skin, then releases as she lets out a shout. He’s toppling over the edge right after her, grabbing her hand and clutching it in his as he whispers curses and dirty words and loving little statements into her ear.

“Fuck,” she finally mutters once she’s caught her breath. “Morning sex is fantastic, but now I’m ready to go back to bed.”

He laughs against her skin, lifting his body off of hers, and she mourns the loss of his warm weight. “You may have time for a short nap, love, it’s not yet 8:00.”

“Guess it didn’t take too long, huh? I told you I was horny.”

“I’m not complaining, darling,” he assures her as he hands her a cloth and steps away to clean himself.

“Are you still coming tonight?” she asks once she’s cleaned up and lying comfortably in bed.

He sits on the edge of the bed next to her, running his fingers softly against her brow bone as he often enjoys doing. “Of course I am.”

“I’m nervous,” she admits.

“To see your own parents?”

She shrugs, nosing at his palm. “I just get the feeling that my mom is still… I don’t know, unhappy about this whole thing.”

He sighs and moves her over slightly before lying down next to her and kissing the tip of her nose. “Because it was unplanned?”

“Unplanned is the understatement of the year, Hook.” He breathes out a light laugh and nudges her cheek with his nose, urging her to go on. “My mom expected me to get back with Neal. It’s hard for her to see that that isn’t happening, no matter how happy I am.”

“You're happy, darling?” she nods and smiles at him. “Good. I’m just confused about why she wants you to be with him so badly after all he’s put you through.”

She falters slightly, cringing. “Well…”

“Swan, your parents know what happened, don’t they?” She shrugs, shaking her head. “Well that explains things, love. All this time I was racking my brains over why on earth they would want you to be with him, although I suppose I am rather biased. But now it makes sense.”

“I guess so.”

“Why haven’t you told them?”

“I don’t know.”

“Emma,” he starts, leaning up slightly and running his hand along her jaw. “You can tell me anything, love.”

“I’m just,” she sighs. “It’s embarrassing. He completely screwed me over and I was so young and stupid. I still can’t believe I let him get me like that.”

“You were a child, love. No one would expect you to have known any better.”

“Still. I spent my whole life not… not needing them. I turned out okay after everything. And I don’t want them to know—or I guess I'm scared for them to know—that maybe in that moment, I did need them.” He nods. “I don’t want them to feel guilty for what they did because I know that they did what they thought they had to do, but it doesn’t stop me from wondering how different, how much better my life would have been, if…” she sighs, words falling flat.

“Aye love,” he sighs after a moment, kissing her nose again. “But think of what you gained. If that hadn’t happened, you wouldn’t have Henry.”

“Yeah,” she breathes out, snuggling into his chest and fighting off tears.

“I understand that it’s scary and you don’t want them to know, darling, but it might make things easier for you if they did. You can wonder ‘what if’ for the rest of your life, but it won’t change anything, trust me.”

“I do.” He grins at her, kissing her lips softly, briefly, before pulling away.

“I'm sorry to make you talk of such disconsolate things so early, Swan. I didn’t mean to push you.”

“You didn’t, it’s okay. I know you're right. It’ll just be difficult to get my shit together enough to actually talk to them.”

He nods again, kissing her once more before he moves to get out of bed. “Would you like to nap before work, my darling? I’ll wake you at 8:30.”

She grins now, sighing as she snuggles into the blankets and drifts into a quick and dreamless sleep.

~~~~

When she finally gets to the station, a little late because, try as he might, Killian simply could not get her ass out of bed, her father is waiting for her. He’s taken over patrols for her over the last few weeks, mostly because she couldn’t go an hour without a trash can or toilet within arm’s reach, but she thinks it’s also a protective-dad thing. As much as she hates the idea of someone doting over her or thinking she can’t do her job because of her pregnancy, she doesn’t mind the idea of her father doting over her. It’s still something that she’s getting used to, and just another example of how different this pregnancy is from her last.

“Hi hon,” he says as she sits down.

“Hey,” she says back, taking a deep breath and nearly falling back to sleep on the spot.

“Feeling okay?”

She almost smirks at the knowledge that one of her pregnancy symptoms has been sated for the time being, and nods. “A little better today, actually. I was only sick once this morning.”

He grimaces, an unpleasant sound leaving his lips. “The fact that you’re sleeping on a boat can’t be helping matters.”

“Don’t let Killian hear you call it that.”

“Don’t let him hear you call his boat an it,” David laughs. She smiles too, reaching towards her computer mouse and jiggling it until the screen comes on. “Elsa might come by today, to look at some town records.”

Emma nods at that, excited to have something other than phone calls and paperwork to do today. “Sounds good.”

“Your mother is very excited for tonight. Wants to know if you have any special requests.”

She purses her lips in thought before answering, “I’ve been really craving steak lately. And onions.”

“Steak and onions,” he says, nodding then rolling his eyes with a laugh. “I’m sure she can figure out a steak recipe. She won’t make it for me, so I’ll just guilt her into making it for her pregnant daughter.”

She smiles briefly before letting it fade as she turns her attention back to her screen.

“She is excited, you know. For the baby.”

Emma nearly rolls her eyes, letting out a sigh as she turns back to her father. “Just not for the baby’s father,” she replies, and it’s not a question.

“It’s a lot for her to take in. She thought for the longest time that you were with Neal.”

“And I’m not, I haven’t been for 12 years. I just wish she could see that I’m happy where I am.”

“I know, hon. Just—go easy on her. She’s used to true love and love at first sight and all that. She was raised differently from how you were in this world.”

“Trust me, I’m very aware of how differently the two of us were raised,” Emma snaps, immediately regretting her snarky comment. “Shit,” she mutters. “I’m sorry, that came out sounding a lot more hostile than I intended.”

“No, you're right.” He stands from his desk, making his way to hers and pulling up a chair so that they're sitting close together. “I know that it wasn’t easy for you growing up here. And I often kick myself wondering how different things would be for you if we had been here, or if you had been able to stay. What we did they day you were born… I still have nightmares about it.”

“You do?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever stop. Hell, I carried my newborn through a hoard of Black Knights and sent her away through a magic wardrobe for 28 years. I don’t know if I can ever come back from that as a parent.”

She frowns at him. “You did what you thought you had to do, to give me my best chance.”

“Just like you did with Henry. And look at the two of you now,” he says with a smile, although she can feel the grip that her guilt has on her heart tightening. “Raising a baby from the start is gonna be so different.”

“Yeah,” she nearly whispers, her eyes stinging and her throat burning as she holds back tears. She knows what he means, and knows that he means well, but she can’t stop the feelings of guilt and regret from flooding her entire being. How can she raise this new baby after what she did to Henry? After she subjected him to being raised by the literal Evil Queen?

How can she tell him?

“Anyway,” her father mercifully continues, standing from his chair and stepping back towards his desk. “I’d better be off. Patrol isn’t gonna do itself.”

She smiles as he leaves the room, letting it fade immediately as she ponders her regret. Before she knows it, the tears she was barely holding back are free falling down her face as she thinks about what this new baby will mean to Henry.

~~~~

Emma has every intention of telling her parents about her past with Neal at dinner, and Killian couldn’t be more encouraging. When she got back to his ship and told him, his face nearly split in two as he smiled at her. Then he told her that he was proud of her.

But when they arrive at her parents’ loft for dinner, Henry’s there, and suddenly her plans fly out the window. She’s just lucky that her mother didn’t invite Neal or Regina, too.

It’s not that she isn’t elated to see her son, who’s been spending a few more nights a week with Regina. It’s just that she knows that she can’t have this conversation in front of him. She also can’t freely display any pregnancy symptoms for fear of him somehow putting the pieces together.

Once they're sitting down for dinner, she smells the steak her mother has cooked, and her mouth begins watering.

“You requested this, love?” Kilian asks, squeezing her knee under the table.

“Mhmm,” she nods at him, giving him a soft smile.

“It smells delicious, Your Majesty.”

“Thank you,” Mary Margaret says with a strained smile. She places the salad and dressing on the table before stepping away and returning with a bowl of mashed potatoes. Killian serves everyone some salad, then offers her the Italian dressing and she nearly starts dry heaving, shaking her head and reaching for lemon pepper instead.

“So,” Henry says as he starts cutting into his steak. “Are you dating my mom?”

Killian chokes a bit on his Merlot, placing the glass down graciously and patting his mouth with his napkin. “Uh,” he starts, looking over to Emma for relief. She shrugs. “I, um, well I suppose I’m courting her.”

Henry nods pensively, stabbing into his salad and taking a huge bite. “Does courting mean dating?”

Emma smirks at the fact that he will not give this up, and glances over to Killian. “Yeah, kid. It does.”

“So, you're not dating my dad?” It’s Emma’s turn to choke on her drink, trying hard to swallow the water left in her mouth. She shakes her head no, unsure if she can trust her voice. “I figured. You haven’t been coming to dinner lately.”

“Henry, it doesn’t mean that I don’t still love you. And I still have love for him because he gave me you. But your dad and I… we just don’t work anymore.”

“He said he wants to date you, but it’s your decision.” Mother fucker filling her son’s head with bullshit, putting it on her.“But you don’t want to date him.”

“I don’t, kid.” She figures honesty is the best policy.

He nods again, shoveling a large helping of mashed potatoes into his mouth as Kilian reaches down and squeezes her knee again. Her heart is racing, and her palms are sweating at her son’s interrogation.

“That’s okay,” he finally says around his potatoes. “I could tell Captain Hook liked you and you like him.”

“You could?” she asks, smiling slightly.

“He’s not really keeping it a secret,” he deadpans, and Killian laughs along with Emma. David smiles and Mary Margaret might possibly loosen up, a little. (Maybe the wine is helping on that front, too.)

As they finish dinner and move on to dessert—chocolate ice cream, at Emma’s request and Henry’s fierce approval— she continues to ponder her son’s maturity. How can a 12-year-old who’s been through so much be so easy going? She at first thinks she just got lucky, but then she realizes that she played no role in raising him. As much as it pains her to admit, a large part of his attitude is courtesy of Regina’s upbringing of him.

Guilt settles over her again as she thinks about the decision she made 12 years ago. She knew at the time that it was the right thing to do. There was no way she would have been fit to be his mother when she got out of jail. She had no money, no home, and hardly any means to take care of herself, never mind an infant. But there’s a part of her that will always regret giving him up, that part made especially large when she saw the emotional torment he went through for much of his short life.

Knowing what he’s been through with Regina, knowing that she herself played a very heavy hand in putting him in that situation, makes her stomach twist. But knowing that she now has a second baby on the way, one whom she intends to raise with its father when she didn’t do the same for her first, makes her positively nauseous, and she wonders if she’ll have to excuse herself for the restroom before dessert is over.

After they drop Henry off at Regina’s house, they switch places and Killian drives Emma to the pier, slowly and carefully. He’s been doing amazingly well at driving, and she’s surprised by how much he’s been able to pick up in a few short weeks.

Once they arrive, he puts the car in park but doesn’t kill the engine, unbuckling his seatbelt and turning his body towards her.

“Alright, love?”

She shrugs as tears immediately fill her eyes, her throat burning again as her chest feels tight.

“I couldn’t tell them with Henry there,” she practically whimpers, her voice sounding completely pathetic.

“I know, Swan. It’s alright.”

She finds herself struggling to look him in the eyes, so she focuses on the horizon and the boats sitting along it. “I just…” she can’t finish her thought, shrugging again and letting her body deflate into the passenger seat.

“Something else is eating at you, love.”

“it’s… it’s Henry. How can I… how can I raise this new baby when I…”

“Swan,” he starts, taking her hand in his.

“I gave him away. I’m the one who essentially sent him to be raised by the fucking Evil Queen. How can I do something like that and then just… it feels like I’m replacing him.”

“Emma, darling, you're not replacing him. You still have him in your life. He’s here and he isn’t going anywhere because he loves you.”

“it’s just hard to think about telling him. What if he thinks I’m replacing him?”

“He knows why you made the decision that you did, love. You can’t change what’s already happened, so at some point you have to forgive yourself and move on.”

“That’s the second time you’ve said that to me today,” she says with a sound coming out of her throat, somewhere between a laugh and a scoff.

“it must be true, then.”

“I just can’t shake the feeling that at some point the other shoe is gonna drop and everything that’s been going so right so far is just gonna disappear.”

“I didn’t realize how traumatic this experience would be for you, love. It seems to be bringing back some strong feelings.”

She shrugs. “I guess.”

He nods, pulling her hand up to his mouth and pressing his lips to her knuckles. “Perhaps it would be helpful for you to speak with the cricket.”

“I’m not crazy,” she says defensively.

“I didn’t say you were, Swan. I just think it might be helpful to talk about these things.”

“I’m talking to you right now,” she says, her brows pulling together and a pout donning her mouth.

“Aye, and I’ll always be here for that, love, but it might be nice to have an objective person to speak to as well. I’m pretty pro-anything-you-decide-to-do.” She smiles at him again, finally turning towards him and leaning forward to rest her head on his shoulder. “Just think about it, aye love?”

“Aye.” He squeezes her shoulders and laughs lightly, kissing her temple.

“I know we just got ho—back, but would you like to see what I’ve been working on? It��s almost finished, but it’s probably ready for you to see now.”

She’d almost forgotten that they discussed this briefly this morning, and she’s suddenly excited to see exactly what the hell Killian is talking about, so she nods against his shoulder and sits up.

He puts the car in reverse and starts down the road, struggling slightly to operate the high beams with his hook but driving successfully either way. He slowly makes his way through town, passing through Main Street until they get to the outskirts and he turns right into a parking spot. When she looks up, Emma sees a row of matching apartments lining the quiet street. The one they're parking in front of is lit up with a light that resembles a lantern from his ship.

“What’s this?” she asks when he turns off the car.

“This is my project,” he answers, leaving the car and circling around until he reaches her door and pulls it open. He offers her his hand, but she’s still stunned and hasn’t undone her seatbelt yet.

She’s snapped to attention and clicks the button, taking his hand as he helps her out of her seat. She takes turns staring from him to the small townhouse and back to him.

“Your project…” she starts, unsure of what else to say.

“Aye, love. Just something I’ve been working on upon arriving here in Storybrooke.”

He takes a key from one of his pockets and sticks it into the lock before opening the black front door and gesturing for her to take a step inside.

The interior is slightly unfinished with blue tape lining the walls, and there’s no furniture in sight, but she can tell that the space is beautiful. It’s light and airy despite it being nighttime and the lights being off. He moves to switch one on and stands a few feet back from her as if giving her time to process what she’s seeing.

They're standing in what she assumes will be a living room, which has fully constructed walls that still need paint. To her right is a small kitchen with beautiful black granite counter tops with golden flecks throughout paired with light wooden cabinetry. It reminds her of the Jolly Roger.

She sees a small hallway with three doors lining the space. She takes a few steps towards them, then turns back to Killian as if to ask permission to enter. He nods, and she makes her way forward, opening the first door to her right to see a bright bathroom complete with a tub. The cabinetry and counters match those in the kitchen, and she smiles at the consistency.

She leaves the bathroom and steps over to the door next to it, finding what she imagines would be a small bedroom. The room isn’t too large, but it does have a nice sized closet, soft cream-colored carpeting, and a large window. These walls have been painted a soft white.

She smiles as she turns out of this room, noting that Killian is still standing in the open living room area allowing her to explore on her own. She turns around to the door across from the small bedroom and opens it up to find what she knows must be the master. It’s the size of the small bedroom and bathroom combined and has two doors on the other end which she assumes leads to a bathroom and closet. Killian has an end unit, so this bedroom has a large window on two walls. She opens a door closest to the entrance and finds a deep walk-in closet with bright lighting and a large mirror opposite the door. When she leaves and opens the other door, she finds a huge bathroom with fixtures matching the others in the apartment as well as a large standing shower at least double the size of an average one with stones that match the tan cabinets with golden flecks and black marbling throughout.

Emma is astonished at what she’s seen, unsure what to do or say as she stands in the empty, bare-walled bedroom. She finds that she doesn’t need to decide what to do, because when she turns, she sees Killian standing in the doorway looking nervous.

“I don’t…” she starts, but the words fall flat on her tongue. She doesn’t know what to say.

“I’ve purchased the space and have spent my days finishing it,” he offers quietly.

“How long?” she asks, stepping towards him until she’s almost close enough to touch him.

“Few months, about two weeks after we arrived back here.”

She shakes her head, her mouth hanging open. “Two weeks and you knew you wanted to stay?”

He’s blushing, his cheeks and ears turning a hot shade of pink. “Well, property is a very good investment,” he jokes, not making full eye contact with her.

She laughs awkwardly and shakes her head. “Right.”

“But yes, I knew.”

She starts to cry, obviously. And he gives her the smile that makes her heart flutter, of course.

“Don’t cry, darling,” he says with a soft chuckle as he whisps away a tear from her right cheek.

“This is just…” she waves her hands around between the two of them, words failing her.

“I know it seems like a lot, but I’m not showing you this place because I want you to move in.” She nods slowly, sniffling and wiping tears herself. “I bought it so I could have a project; something to finish. I felt so lost, and I just needed something to take my mind off the fact that I probably had to stop trying to kill the Crocodile, or that Baelfire was alive and well but not the man that I’d hoped he’d grow into. And as I was working, every decision I made I forced myself not to consider what you would think. And I had to kick myself every time I imagined you standing in here with me.” She lets out a harsh laugh before sniffling again. He nearly whispers, “but then you told me about the baby, Swan, and I just… I have so much hope. You’ve given me so much, love.” He wipes a tear again, his thumb stroking along her cheek and jaw. “I just hope that you’d feel comfortable enough to spend time here. And maybe I can make the spare room into the baby’s bedroom rather than the treasure room I was planning.”

She laughs again and leans into him, wrapping her arms around his middle and touching her tear-streaked face into his chest.

“This is a lot to take in,” she finally says against leather.

“I know, love. You don’t need to say anything just yet. I just… I want to be there for the little lad or lass, and you, and I don’t think a newborn should be living on a pirate ship. At least not until he’s old enough to become a pirate himself,” he adds with a smirk that she can hear.

“Could be a girl.”

“And she would be the most fearsome pirate in all the realms.” Without thinking, Emma presses a kiss into the exposed hair on his chest as another laugh escapes her lips. “You don’t have to move in here, Swan. It’s for the baby.”

“The baby lives in me,” she says with a smile, pulling back slightly.

“I know,” he smirks back.

She breathes out a laugh. “It is a lot, Killian, but I love it.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah,” she breathes out, and she suddenly can’t stop imagining how she might decorate the baby’s bedroom here. Then she remembers that he’s not asking her to move in and she shakes the thoughts from her mind. “Maybe we can stay here, then, instead of the Jolly Roger, once it’s finished.”

“That sounds perfect, love. It should only be another week or two before I can get furniture in here.” She nods, still smiling into his chest and squeezing him tight as his hand runs up and down her back. “We can take it slow.”

“Yeah.”

~~~~

The following Saturday, Emma watches as Killian and Mr. Smee move furniture around the townhouse until he’s satisfied with the layout, and she has to say, he has good taste. He picked out pieces that that fit perfectly with the aesthetic of the house, and since the walls were all painted a soft white last week, it’s starting to feel a lot more like a home.

She thinks back to earlier in the week, when Emma visited Mary Margaret for lunch and was absolutely put in her place over her delusions about their living arrangements.

Emma told her about Killian’s new apartment, about the high ceilings and the soft carpeting in the bedrooms and the hardwood floors in the kitchen. Then she told her about how the baby’s room has a big window overlooking the sea, and how large the walk-in closet in the master bedroom is, and Mary Margaret shot her a look that she couldn’t quite read.

“What?” Emma asked, raising her brows and frowning just a bit. “I’m just surprised that you two are moving in together so quickly.”

“We’re not moving in together!”

“Emma,” she said with a light laugh. “That’s a little bit of a stretch, isn’t it? I mean, think of how much time you’ve been spending together lately. You're telling me that you aren’t now going to spend even more time at his new place?”

“Well,” she started, stumbling over her words. “I mean, yeah, we’re probably going to spend time together there, but that’s instead of the ship.”

“You are moving in with him eventually. Maybe not now, but you two are moving in together.”

“That’s a lie,” Emma defended childishly.

“Mhmm,” Mary Margaret said back with a smirk. “Whatever you say, honey. And are you planning on sleeping in your own bed tonight?”

Emma stared at her then rolled her eyes, knowing that she’s lost the argument because her answer is a big fat no.

Now, as she sits on Killian’s comfortable new couch and practically sinks into the cushions (a beautiful and regal red color, to match the fixtures in the captain’s quarters aboard the Jolly Roger), she thinks she’s ready for a nap at any moment until she watches him reach up to a high shelf to put glasses away and his shirt rides up slightly, exposing a sliver of skin on his abdomen.

And, because she’s actually a child and not a 29-year-old adult, she wads up a tissue and tosses it at him to get his attention.

He chuckles as he turns around, placing a glass back into the box it came out of. “Need something, love?” She nods and then reaches her arms out and makes grabbing motions with both hands because, again, she’s a child. Perhaps a toddler, actually. He makes his way over from the kitchen area and takes one of her hands in his. “Water? A snack?”

“I’d like a snack, yes,” she responds, tugging on his hand until he’s seated next to her and she hoists herself, with great effort and a bit of help, onto his lap.

“Mmm,” he growls as his hand makes its way around to cup her ass. “You’ve been absolutely insatiable lately, love.”

“Mhmm,” she says as she reaches down to kiss his neck. “It’s a symptom of my condition.”

“Your condition?” he snorts, slapping her ass lightly when she bites his skin.

“Mhmm.” She nods into his neck and starts to unbutton the few that are fastened and kisses her way down his torso and feels his breathing catch in his chest.

When she crawls onto the floor and reaches the button on his jeans, she pauses and bites lightly at his stomach, reveling in the feeling of his abs tightening in response. She undoes the button and slides the zipper down, scratching down the tops of his thighs as he sighs heavily and throws his head against the back of the couch.

Once she gets his jeans and boxers off (not before admiring the shape of him through the black fabric), she takes his length in her hand and strokes up and down a few times before wrapping her mouth around his cock. She hums and he groans softly in response, then she glances up at him through her lashes and meets his eyes with hers. She moves her mouth along his soft marble skin for a few moments before she feels the tip hit the back of her throat and his hand grips her hair, his hips spasming. He moves his hand down to her cheek and pulls her up a bit so that she releases him with a soft pop.

“I want you,” he says darkly, and she feels desire flooding her as he helps her to get up off the floor and tug her leggings and underwear down. Once she’s perched on his thighs, she feels his hand tracing down her body until his thumb reaches her clit and she sighs and rests her head on his shoulder. His fingers slide into her easily and he groans. “You're so ready for me, love,” he murmurs.

She hums and turns her head so that she can press her lips to his neck. When she feels him curling his fingers and circling his thumb around her clit, she grinds down against his hand before tugging on his arm. He removes it quickly so that she can reach between them and align him so that he can thrust himself up into her.

She lets out a satisfied groan at the feeling of him filling her to the hilt. She bites her bottom lip, pulling back slightly so that she can kiss him. His hand is running wildly along her back, lifting her t-shirt and sliding along her side until he finds her breast and holds it tenderly. They're still quite sore, and he has gotten used to fondling them gently.

“Bloody vixen,” he mumbles against her neck, nipping at the sensitive spot he tends to favor. “You are bloody brilliant. Amazing.”

As much as she thought she would hate it, especially hearing him talking up a storm on the beanstalk and in Neverland, she never tires of the way he talks to her when they're like this. The things he says are sometimes filthy, but never in a derogatory way and always in a way that makes her feel so much sexier.

“God, fuck, can you—” She lifts her head from his shoulder and makes a small circular motion with her hand and he gets the message. He lifts her body off of his slightly, pulling out of her and then tugging her shirt over her head. She understands what he wants, too, and unhooks her bra, releasing her swollen breasts practically into his waiting hands.

He hums and squeezes gently, obviously pleased with their new size, before she turns away from him and gets on all fours on the couch. He’s practically growling now, feeling her up and down her waist and hip before he leans down and tongues at her entrance, drawing an embarrassingly loud moan from her throat. She reaches back and tugs on his hair as if to say get on with it, and he’s up again, leaning his hips against hers and running his hand along her again before landing on her ass with a light smack.

She’s pushing back against him, falling from her hands down to her elbows before he finally lines up and thrusts deeply into her. She lets out a shout and moves to set her fingers against her clit, but he brushes them away and goes to work himself, bringing her closer and closer with each caress. After several deep thrusts, they're practically falling into the couch with him landing on top of her but not settling all of his body weight on her, his hand still stroking against her clit and his hook digging into the couch next to her. The new depth and angle as he continues to thrust and move his fingers against her sends her over the edge in nearly an instant.

As she falls, her vision goes white, her mouth hanging open and biting into the couch in a silent (or perhaps not) scream. He follows shortly after her, burying his face in her hair and grunting out curses and praises into her ear as his hips continue to twitch against her.

“Fuck,” she mumbles against the fabric of the couch. She’s unable to move, and not just because Killian is still lying on top of her.

“Aye,” he responds. He presses a soft kiss to her ear underneath a curtain of hair. “You certainly are voracious lately, darling. I must say it’s one of my favorite symptoms of yours.”

She hums. “I guess it is better than the constant puking and peeing and sleeping.”

He laughs and kisses her cheek once more before lifting himself off of her and grabbing a box of tissues from an end table, offering it to her and taking one for himself. “Alright?” he asks.

“Yeah, just ready for my nap.”

“Take one, love. The bed isn’t ready just yet, but I can get you a blanket for the couch.”

She nods, reaching for her bra and shirt. Once they're both cleaned up and dressed, she says, “we should start thinking about the baby’s room.”

“Seems a bit early, but sure,” he nods with a smile.

“It’s never too early to start planning. Plus, I’m excited. I’ve never done this before.”

“Aye, love, neither have I.”

She smiles at him as he stands, throwing away the soiled tissues and walking towards a closet to grab a black throw blanket. “So, no secret kids I should know about?”

He chuckles and scratches behind his ear, draping the blanket over her body and sitting next to her. “I was always rather careful. Although I suppose times were different…”

With the way his body stiffens, she knows that her joke has made him uncomfortable. A part of her worries that he thinks he could actually have some secret kids out there.

“It’s okay,” she starts. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, I was just joking.”

“I know, Swan,” he says before gesturing to the couch as if to invite her to lie down. Once she does, he wedges himself behind her and arranges the blanket over them before he wraps his arm around her middle, his hand landing protectively over her belly. “I have no knowledge of any other children, and as I said, I was always careful. I suppose I’ll never really know for certain, though.”

She struggles with how to respond, not wanting to offend him, and settles on a joke. “Should I be offended that you weren’t careful with me?”

“No,” he chuckles. “I suppose I was just so enraptured by your beauty and the fact that you actually wanted to be with me that I lost all capabilities of logical thought.”

She laughs, holding his hand in her own as he rubs small soothing circles over what will soon be a small bump. “I’m happy.”

He pulls her a bit tighter and kisses her shoulder before saying, “good. So am I.”

“I’m glad you're here. With me.”

“There’s nowhere I’d rather be,” he nearly whispers.

After a beat, when her eyes are starting to feel heavy and the circular motions of Killian’s hand start to sooth her into near sleep, she lets out one final thought. “I need to talk to my parents about Neal.”

His hand stops for a moment but resumes as he says, “I think that’s a good idea.”

“It’ll help me to move past everything. And maybe if they knew everything, mom will stop wishing I was with him.” He sighs, and she knows she probably shouldn’t have said that. She is on fire today with the offensive comments. “Sorry. Just… I feel like I’m mourning him. Like I knew and loved someone totally different and now I have to get over it all over again 12 years later.”

“It’s alright, Swan, I know what you mean. Baelfire was someone I could have allowed myself to love, as well.”

She nods her head against his chest as he tightens his arm around her middle and falls into a blissful sleep.

~~~~

It’s almost a week later when Emma finally builds up the courage to talk to her parents. She knows she needs to do this, that it’s important for them to know what she went through and how it’s impacting her now. Killian was right, her first pregnancy was traumatic for her, and now that she’s pregnant again, she’s finding that she’s having some trouble with the memories of what she went through.

He offers to go with her on Friday when she goes to Mary Margaret’s loft, but she declines, deciding that she needs to do this on her own.

She’s spent a lot of time at his new place over the last two weeks, and it’s only helping to add to the guilt she feels surrounding Henry. Each time she spends the night, it’s because her son is staying with Regina, but a more illogical part of her feels as if she’s abandoning him all over again by not spending time with him. The fact is, she’s scared to spend time with him because she’s scared that he’ll find out that she’s pregnant. If she’s honest, she’s a bit surprised his blabbermouth of a father hasn’t told him already.

Killian has reminded her a few times that this isn’t something she can hide from Henry forever, and that he’s smart and will eventually figure it out if she doesn’t come out and tell him. He’s right, of course. But she hasn’t really started to show too much yet, aside from what could be passed off as bloating, so she’ll continue to live in a state of unhealthy denial for a while longer.

When she arrives at the loft, she’s filled with dread and discomfort, but she knows she has to do this. When she told them earlier that she wanted to come over to talk, she was sure that they were expecting the worst. Maybe they thought that Killian left her, or that something happened to the baby, or that she was hurt somehow. So, when she arrives, they're both pacing across the floor nervously and jump when the door opens.

She apologizes for startling them, and for scaring them in general, then takes a seat at the table with her father following close behind. Her mother has prepared tea and brings over mugs and the kettle.

Emma starts talking and finds it near impossible to stop. Once she starts retelling the story, the memories are flooding to her mind as if it happened yesterday. The way that she thought for sure that he was the one, how safe she thought she was with him, the confidence she felt as she was piecing together her plan. The love she had for him at such a young age.

Mary Margaret begins crying before Emma even tells them about the watches, knowing that something bad was going to happen. David sits quietly in his seat, his fists and jaw clenched tightly. When Emma talks the police getting a tip, and then about her sentence, she sees his eyes glassing over.

When she tells them about how she discovered she was pregnant, two months into her stay at women’s correctional facility, her mother stands from her seat and hugs Emma tight, sobbing into her shoulder as she squeezes her and muttering out begging apologies into the air. She knew that Emma went to prison and knew that she gave birth while she was there. But learning that Neal left her there and never came back was evidently too much for her to bear.

Emma continues to tell them about how she gave birth to a healthy baby boy while she was chained to the bed and wouldn’t allow herself to look at him. About how she sobbed at the sound of his cries and still hears it in her dreams. About how she doesn’t know how to deal with Neal being back in her and Henry’s lives, especially when he was behaving so possessively.

“I hate him, but a part of me still loves him. He gave me Henry, and when we were together, it was really good. But he… he fucked me over. I was just a kid. He’s the one who called the cops, he tipped them off on where I’d be. And I was wearing a watch, so he got away to Canada and I got found guilty.”

“Emma, I am so sorry. For everything,” her mother sniffles. She’s still wiping tears away, and so is Emma. “I never should have pushed you towards him. When you said you thought you still loved him, before Neverland, I was so hopeful that you would get the chance to be with your first love. I had no idea how much pain went along with that.”

She nods, “I guess I didn’t really realize it either. Me and Killian have been talking about it and I think he’s right.”

“What does he say?” David asks, speaking up for the first time and clearing his throat.

“That the first time I was pregnant was traumatic. And that it’s hard to come to terms with my feelings for Neal when a part of me will always love him, even if only because of Henry.”

David hums and nods his head, adding, “big words coming from the pirate,” with a slight smirk.

“Dad,” she threatens lightly, switching over to a more serious tone. “I know this was unexpected, and a surprise and unplanned and all that, but… I think I’m happier now than I have ever been in my entire life. I was happy enough with Neal, but I didn’t realize that that relationship was kind of… it was kind of messed up. I was only 17.” David clenches his fists again and Mary Margaret looks like she’s seen a ghost as she takes a sip from her mug, the tea having long gone cold. “But with Hook, it’s just… it’s so easy. He’s so good to me. and I know he’ll be a fantastic father. I just want you guys to see that, and see that I’m happy now, with him. I don’t want to be with Neal, and hopefully now you can see why. Hopefully now that I’ve told you, I can really move on.”

It’s quiet in the loft for a few moments before David speaks up and says, “I want to punch him in the face.”

“Me too,” Mary Margaret responds, turning to him and nodding her head.

“I do too, but it was a long time ago and that wouldn’t help anything. Right now, I just need to take time away from him and let myself get over it. Hook says I probably never fully healed from it.”

“Well,” Mary Margaret starts. “I am surprised to hear that Hook was the one who encouraged you to tell us. I’m surprised, but I’m glad.”

“Yes,” David says in response, nodding at her this time. “The way I see it, you're right. Seems like he treats you well.”

“Yeah,” Emma says with a smile.

“I actually spoke with Ruby a few days ago and she told me that I needed to, and this is a direct quote, get my head out of my rear end.” Emma chokes out a laugh as she stares at her mother, who nods at her. “She said she’s known about you two since your birthday, and that she’s certain that you and Hook are… well, she said you're in love. And to ask you about a necklace?”

Damn you, Ruby Lucas.

“She said my secret was safe with her,” Emma grumbles as she pulls the necklace out of her sweater and removes it to show her mother, explaining the meaning of the shining green stone.

She fawns over it for a few moments and says, “well, I’m glad she told me. I think she’s right about one thing,” with a sly smile as she wipes away another tear.

Emma rolls her eyes, but smiles. Because yes, maybe Ruby is right about one thing.

~~~~

~~~~

Tagging:

@courtorderedcake @kmomof4 @stahlop @klynn-stormz@laschatzi@emelizabeth88 @lfh1226-linda @kday426 @profdanglaisstuff@elisethewritingbeast @timeless-love-story @captain-emmajones @gingerpolyglot @ebcaver @ilovemesomekillianjones @teamhook

[oh-so-scenarios]

ᴛʜᴇ sᴇʀᴇɴᴅɪᴘɪᴛʏ ᴏғ ᴛʜɪɴɢs...♠| 05

⤖ ᴡʜᴏ ʜᴀs ᴛɪᴍᴇ ғᴏʀ sᴏᴜʟᴍᴀᴛᴇs? Jᴜɴɢ Hᴏsᴇᴏᴋ ɪs ᴛᴏᴏ ʙᴜsʏ ʙᴇɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴇᴀᴅ ᴏғ ʜɪs ᴍᴀғɪᴀ ɴᴇᴛᴡᴏʀᴋ. Hᴇ ᴡᴏɴ'ᴛ ʟᴇᴛ ᴛʜᴇ sᴇʀᴇɴᴅɪᴘɪᴛʏ ᴏғ ʜɪs sᴏᴜʟᴍᴀᴛᴇ ᴍᴏᴠᴇ ʜɪᴍ…ʀɪɢʜᴛ?

⤖ Mᴀғɪᴀ Lᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ Hᴏsᴇᴏᴋ x ᴅᴏᴄᴛᴏʀ Fᴇᴍᴀʟᴇ Rᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ, Aɴɢsᴛ, sᴍᴜᴛ, sᴏᴜʟᴍᴀᴛᴇ!ᴀᴜ,

A/N: Only partly edited, please ignore any errors (Word Count: 5.1K)

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Y/N:

I walked through the double doors just in time to see Hoseok’s disappearing back through another set of metal double doors. The room was cold and empty. The walls were painted a dull grey and there were no windows. The room was rectangular in shape, and narrow. Smaller than any normal room. 

It reminded me of a small waiting room for a family doctor’s office. There wasn’t much to take in and Jungkook was already walking to the metal doors. He’s probably seen this room millions of times, seeing it as an insignificant matter. 

I watched as another series of numbers were entered into a keypad, followed by Jungkook pulling out a different key from his jacket pocket. 

He unlocked the door, pushing it a bit harder than the first set of doors. He looked at me, holding the door open for me and gesturing inside. 

I peeked my head in first, spotting a back that has become familiar. Hoseok stood a large circular table with the other 5 men gathered around. He was explaining something. All the men’s eyes were trained on whatever sheets of paper were gathered on the table. Hoseok spoke slowly and casually.

His finger would point to one thing then move to another. Jimin said something I couldn’t make out and Hoseok stopped for a moment, tilting his head to the side as if he was thinking. 

The metal door closed with a clank, as Jungkook stood behind me. The other 5 men turned to glance at us for a short moment. I noticed Jimin’s lips turn up in a smile as his eyes fell onto me. Same with Taehyung. That was less than a second, their kind gazes falling as they turned their attention to Hoseok again. 

Yoongi, Seokjin, and Namjoon were indifferent to me. Looking just to look. Hoseok didn’t miss a beat, not stopping to acknowledge my presence. 

“Kook, get over here. You’re going to be confused later.” Seokjin called, glancing at me momentarily. It seemed he thought I was the one keeping Jungkook over here. 

Jungkook looked at me right away, further confirming Seokjin’s assumption.

“I’ll be fine,” I assured him, nodding for him to go ahead. He smiles brightly and trotted over to the table. I walked forward, getting deeper into the room. The walls were painted a dark sand color, with a navy blue short carpet and high ceilings that were painted white., with other doors on the opposite walls and a hallway to my left. 

Compared to the outside of the building, the inside looks far from abandoned. The walls looked newly painted, the carpets were taken care of, with all the furniture in the room looking like they were taken right from an IKEA.

Other desks were near the large circular table; laptops, guns, and papers spread on most of them. There were two whiteboards on wheels and a blackboard of wheels. I took this time to notice that all the members were wearing black from head to toe. 

Were they going somewhere? A mission? Well...a crime. My feet started to move on their own, growing curious about their conversation and plans. I’m a part of the team now, right? If I’m gonna be stitching them up from now on, I need to know what type of things they'll be getting injured from. I walked closer to Hosek, watching the back of his head intently.

I saw some of the other guys having their eyes flicker to me curiously, looking back at Hoseok. I got close enough to truly hear what he was saying.

“We already have the blueprints of the whole building. We know where each camera will be set. So there are 3 phases to this job.” I slowly walked towards the whiteboards on wheels that were on the left of Hoseok. 

There were pictures of people put up on the board with magnets. Some of the faces looked familiar. I recognized the pictures of certain directors at the hospital and some chairman. I walked closer to the board when I saw a certain name. 

Jeong Jaehyun. Why does that sound familiar? I brought my finger up to set it on the picture of the handsome gentlemen. What significance could he possibly be to the Korean mafia? 

He looked young compared to the other names on this board. He looked like he could be younger than me. In his picture, there was a young brightness I’ve seen in Jungkook’s face before.

I keep walking, my hands now clasped behind me. My eyes scanned over everything I could, seeing things that both scared and worried me. I tried to stay back from the guns that laid around careless like they were phones.

I noticed backpacks, leather gloves, and mouth masks on the floor. It looks like they’d be thrown there in a rush.

Did they just come back from whatever crime they were doing? 

I was now around the room enough to see Hoseok’s face straight on. I peeked between the shoulders of Jin and Yoongi. I stood and watched. 

“If they set everything up correctly, the prize should be on the second floor. We’ve already gone and scooped out the layout. Next will be getting pictures of the original product. Jimin and Namjoon are going to handle that while Yoongi gets in contact Jaehyun.” Hoseok explained, his eyes darting to each guy as he spoke. 

He crossed his arms over his chest, “We should have all this done within 3 days. It’ll take that Jaehyun boy at least a week to do the replica and the charity gala is just three weeks away. We have to move quickly.” 

Hoseok takes in a breath and opens his mouth to speak when his gaze snaps to mine. The look in his eyes doesn’t change. He doesn’t keep his gaze on me long enough for others to notice. 

“I want updates as things move along. That’s it.” He says and everyone nods. 

“You actually showed up.” I heard an amused Yoongi say from beside me. I looked at the straight-faced man and nodded. 

“I didn’t have much of a choice.” I answered shyly, “But Hoseok told me to come here tonight.” 

“No surprise there.” My attention follows Yoongi while he walks over to a revolving chair to take a seat. 

I glance around the room again, not missing Hoseok who was still reading papers laid onto the circular table. I turn my back to Hoseok and lean back on the table, sitting on it slightly. I was now facing Yoongi and a curious Jin that watched me closely. 

“Do you guys live here?” I ask no one in particular.

Jin snickers, “Do you think we’re stray dogs Y/n? Please...I would never lay my pretty head down in such a place. We all have our own places elsewhere.”

“Oh, so this is just where you guys commit your crimes.” 

Yoongi winces playfully, placing a hand over his heart in fake agony. 

“Ouch,” he hisses, “that judgemental blow kinda stung. Did you feel that?” He turns to Jin.

Jin hums in agreement, “I felt it, right in the gut. It really got me.” He says dramatically placing both hands over his upper stomach. He bends down and closes eyes tightly. 

“Way to overdo it,” Yoongi mutters while the other guys chime in. 

“Hyung! It’s probably just your heartburn!” Taehyung jeers. 

“No one told him to eat those spicy rice cakes before he left,” Jimin added as he waltzed past me to casually grab the gun that rested on one of the desks. He grabbed a partly empty backpack on the stuff the gun in there, picking up the masks and leather gloves as well.

“My stomach was growling!” Jin shouted in a long and dragging tone. It sounded like he was nagging Jimin rather than the other way around. 

“Boss said it’s not good to go on jobs when you’re not at your best condition! I had to make sure I had something in my stomach!” Jin continues.

 A peal of collective laughter erupts in the room, while I just watch the interaction.

“Well Y/n is here now! Have her prescribe something for you,” Namjoon calls out. The laughter dies as quickly as it came. 

“She’s part of the team now,” Namjoon says quieter this time. For a while, it feels like all eyes are on me. I curiously peek over my shoulder just in time to notice Hoseok’s gaze fall back to the paper in his hand. He was also staring at me. I wonder how long it’d been.

When I turn back to Yoongi his focus is elsewhere. Everyone starts to move to different places, some looking like they were packing to leave. I saw Namjoon make his way down that mysterious hallway. I get off the table and turn around to Hoseok again. He looks up at me through his eyelashes at me. 

“Why am I here Hoseok?” I say a bit ruder than I meant. 

He cocks his head to the side, his face scrunching up in wonder.

“You seem to ask me stuff like that a lot. Isn’t that something to discuss with God or whatever higher power you believe in?” He sets the paper down onto the table, sighing soon after. 

“Why did I get out of my bed and come down to this sketchy neighborhood Hoseok?” I raised my voice this time, “don’t expect me to let you drag me around like a dog on a leash.” 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” He brushed me off, letting my stern words go through one ear and out the other.

“Follow me doc.” He says, cooly. I walk around the table, following him through the now empty room. We were heading to the further left wall, parallel to the metal double doors I entered through. There were quite a few doors, all of them a sort of steel or metal, guarded with a number pad.

I was about a meter behind Hoseok’s slow stroll to one of the doors, the one on the farthest right. As we got closer I realized that this was the only door without a keypad. 

Hoseok turned the doorknob and waltzed into the room, not really holding the door open for me who was behind him.

I opened my mouth to fuss at his lack of manners, but my words were stopped by the room in front of me. It was a large room. Bigger than I expected for such a plain and normal door to be the entrance of it. The walls were a light grey color and the ceiling was white. There were fluorescent lights scattered all around the room. They looked quite new. Along the corners of the walls were some wires, taped in place. 

On the far right of the room looked like an operating table. It had intense and mobile lights. The machine to keep track of the vitals, and all the needed tools. On the wall behind the table operating table was a scrub-in sink, along with a wall placed holder with gloves, sanitizer and mouth masks.

On the left of the scrub-in sink, against the wall, were white cabinets; both on the ground and on the wall above. The countertop of the bottom cabinets looked like a desk. Different tools spread out on it, with a high metal stool in front of it. There were tools for checking eyes, ears and more.  Not far from the cabinets were 3 hospital beds with various vital checking machines and drips beside them. On the far right were some machines. I saw a familiar mobile x-ray machine and another familiar scanning machine. 

On the closer left was another door that was left open, giving me a peek into what looked like a lab and a pharmacy lab. 

I gasped at the space in front of me, stepping forward to gawk with an open mouth. 

“Whoa,” I muttered to myself. Everything here looks legit and expensive. I was expecting some sort of makeshift hospital but this is very close to the real thing.

I walked around the room, taking a closer look at certain things. My hands grazed the operation table, an excited giggle leaving my lips. 

“This is the type of stuff you get excited about?” Hoseok calls out. He snickers. I turned around to see him standing with his arms crossed. His almost light-hearted voice didn’t match the blank look on his face.

I can’t help the smile that pulls at the corner of my lips, “We all can’t be making big money like you, Hoseok. How can you live life if you don’t appreciate the small things?” I cock my head to the side, not anticipating an answer from him. Rather I sigh and look back at the operating table. 

I walk over to the cabinets, opening them to see all kinds of supplies and needed tools.

“Fresh and new tools, all with the potential of helping and saving someone. It’s thrilling…” I paise for a moment and look back at Hoseok. 

“...to me at least.” I finish.

Hoseok ignores my words, “You’ll have an assistant--”

“An assistant?” I cut him off. 

“Yes,” He says sternly, “She isn’t a surgeon like you, however, she does know about lab work and pharmaceutical things. Organize the room about how you like it. I don’t care what you hang on the wall, or how you arrange things. As long as you can work accordingly.” 

I watch intently as he lays down the rules of things, not being able to stop my mind from wandering. Is it a soulmate thing? Is that why it feels like everything he does is so...alluring? Attractive? 

Does black look that good on everyone or is it just him?

“Just like you don’t ask questions about injuries, I don’t want to hear any questions about missions. If you need to know, I’ll tell you. Don’t interfere in any missions and if you ever spot the boys or me somewhere, unless we’ve already established an acquaintance in that place ...act like you don’t know us.” He un-crosses his arms and put his hands into his pockets.

The longer I look at him, the more I notice the exhausted look in his eyes. 

“You are a part of this team now, I will hold you to the same standard as the others. I will treat you the same as the others. Do not--” I cut him off.

I roll my eyes, “--expect any special treatment because you are my soul mate.” I mock him, opening and closing my hand like a mouth.

“You don’t have to say that every day Hoseok. I’m not stupid.”

He still speaks casually and sighs deeply, “Letting feelings get the best of you in a place like this--” 

“There are no feelings,” I say matter of a fact. 

“Please Hoseok surely you think more of me than some lovesick woman whose heart is just,” I place my hands over my chest and in a fake dreamy voice say, “so swoon at the thought of her soulmate! She can barely control herself around him.” 

My face drops to a frown and Hoseok shrugs. 

“Isn’t that how that soulmate thing works?” His eyes grow dark, a malicious undertone being found in his next words.

“Once someone finds their soulmate they lose the ability to think straight? They throw out common sense and only make decisions based on their selfish wimps and want to pertain to their soulmates?”

I don’t know how to respond, the atmosphere of the room turning sour. Where did such a perspective come from?

A period of silence passes. 

“W-well that’s not me.” I stammer, “Do not worry about any sort of feelings getting in the way. I am not swayed so easily.”

He nods, “I could only hope so. I’ll call Kook to take you home.” He turns around and makes his way out of the room. He stops at the door and spins around on his heels.

“You’ll be seeing me at the hospital a lot more.”

I winced, “Could we act like strangers, please? People think we’re dating.”

Hoseok smirks, “Let them think that.”

“What?”

“If I need to speak to you on something, it’ll make things look less suspicious.”

“I don’t think that’s the best idea.” 

“You don’t have those sort of feelings for me, I think it’s a great idea, so just play along and try not to look so stiff and angry next time you see me there.” He smirks, “Also don’t you have to decide who gets the additional funding? Have fun with that!” 

He turns around and strolls out. 

“Oh right! About that--”

“I’m leaving!” He calls out, disappearing out of the room.  

~!~

“Great job,” I said to Jennie as we left the locker room. Another successful surgery, and with the paperwork being Dr. Lee’s responsibility, we were free to go to lunch. After changing out or scrubs and showering, we made our way towards the cafeteria. Today I decided on a yellow blouse and a black flared skirt with sand nude flats.

 As we entered the cafeteria it was buzzing. There I saw the directors of many different departments in the hospital. I didn’t miss the slight glares that met my way, but it didn’t bother me much. 

“How is your soulmate doing?” I ask Jennie as we got into line. We both grabbed a tray and slowly made our selections. 

A smug smile tugged at her lips, “It’s going quite well actually. He’s a pretty amazing guy. His work ethic is what I admire most about him.”

“That’s good to hear, I knew things would work out for you.” I chimed. 

Jennie giggles, “I don’t know why I doubted my soulmate for a second. Jaehyun is more than what I expected.” 

My smile grows stiff for a moment and my body freezes. 

“Oh right, his name is J-Jaehyun?” I speak in a wary tone. She nods sweetly, moving her attention back to the food. 

I shake my head as if shaking off the thought that appeared in my mind for a moment. There’s no way...there’s just no way.

“Y/n?” My neck snaps up to meet Jennie’s eyes. She said something to me. Her eyes were wide and her lips parted. I watched her eyes flicker down and I followed her gaze. My hand rested on the counter made for the food trays to slide along, making the initials printed on my pinky visible. 

I silently gasp and move my finger from sight. 

“Y/n,” Jennie turns around to face me completely, “You meet them!? Your soulmate?” She raises her voice a bit too high for comfort 

I look over my shoulder, hoping no one is listening in. I make eye contact with almost every person sitting at a table not too far from us. The heads of the hospital departments were definitely interested. 

“Jennie, please. Do you want to announce it to the whole hospital?” I whisper, turning my attention back to the food in front of us. I decide on some rice and stew with an apple. I grab a bottle of orange juice and look over at Jennie. 

She’s still gawking at me in disbelief.

I raise my eyebrows are her, “So are you going to grab something to eat?” I jeer. She scoffs playfully, turning to grab a sandwich and an apple juice. After paying we make our way to the only free table. It was directly behind the table of department directors. My nerves were growing as I could feel the hostile vibes they were giving off. 

The decision of additional funding was still in the air. Forgot that, it was on my shoulders. I could feel the weight and I wasn’t dealing well. 

“What is your soulmate like?” Jennie asked. She leaned forward, a few strands of hair escaping her ponytail and landing in front of her face. 

I sighed as she tucked the loose strands behind her ear and gave me a teasing smile.

“He’s...not what I expected.” I sigh.

Jennie takes a bite of her sandwich and looks at me with questioning eyes. She puts her hand over her mouth as she chews. 

“In a good way?” She asked.

“In the worst way,” I muttered, moving the rice around with my fork.

“Is he that bad?” 

“He’s…” I sigh, “It’s hard to explain.”

“Is it something awful? He is married?”  

I shook my head, thinking that such a situation would have been more appealing. 

“He’s rude, cold, and doesn’t have much of a personality.” I rant, stabbing my fork into my food with every word. 

“He thinks so little of me, doesn’t take me seriously and mocks me. Every time I see that stupid smirk of his, I want to fight him and knock it right off.” 

“So he doesn’t like you?” Jennie inquires. I lean back in my seat, dropping the fork into the bowl. 

“He doesn’t like the concept of soulmates. He thinks it’s stupid and useless.”

Her eyes widen and she leans forward, “He said that?”

I nod, “To my face.”

“What kind of work does he do? How’d you meet him?” She fired her questions at me quickly. I hesitated, biting my lip in thought.

“He owns an investment company and I met him...on the job,” I say, my eyes darting away from her curious eyes, landing on a familiar figure making his way towards me. 

“Oh no,” I groan before I could stop myself. Jennie whips her head around to see Hoseok walking towards our table, his void eyes focused on me. 

I didn’t realize the people around me were standing on their feet. He wore a black long sleeve dress shirt with black slacks and black dress shoes. His hair was slicked and parted to the side. He had his hands in the pockets of his hands. 

I haven’t spoken to him in a few days. I forgot that he said I would be seeing him often. The first few days of work after seeing his “work location” moved quickly and flashed before my eyes. I was expecting a call late at night, telling me to come and patch someone up. 

I’ve only gotten a few texts from Jungkook, asking me how I was doing. I got a text message from Jimin and Taehyung. It was simply: “Hey this is Taehyung, save my number.” Same thing from Jimin. 

The older men on the team haven’t made much effort. 

Jennie and the department directors at the table behind me stood to their feet to greet Hoseok. Ugh, he is pretty important to the hospital, isn’t he? He gave everyone standing a nod of acknowledgment, and though I looked rude at the moment…I didn’t care. 

The excitement I feel every time I saw him was making me angry. Curse this heart of mine.  

“Y/n.” Jennie hissed through clenched teeth. I looked at her and behind me at the department heads. I turned back to Hoseok and he smirked.

“Are you still mad at me?” He snickers. I reluctantly stand on my feet, offering a slight bow. 

“Hello, Mr. Jung.” I murmur. Namjoon isn’t trailing behind him like last time. He’s alone. 

“Hello, doc.” Hoseok’s eyes move from my face and down my body. 

“You really clean up nice for work.” He jeers. I plop down into my seat and glare his way. The others also take their seats, but rather than resuming their lunch, they stay tuned into our conversation.

“Well, I don’t know what you were expecting.”

“I mean, I did call you out at 9pm without any warning. I couldn’t have expected you to be completely pieced together.” His eyes narrow in a challenging way.

He said that on purpose. I roll my eyes at the low and whispering voices around me. 

“You knew exactly what you were doing, just like you do now. I thought I said I wanted to act like strangers.” Hoseok had my full attention now, and the on-lookers around us didn’t matter anymore. The worries of eyes on us melted away. His confidence is...contagious. 

“Why? Are you embarrassed to have a soulmate like me?” He feigns heartbreak, removing one hand from his pocket and placing it over his chest. 

The hushed words get louder, and I can make out a few words. 

“That’s her soulmate?” “She’s so lucky.” “It makes sense.” 

I try to go on with my meal, catching Jennie’s amazed expression. When our eyes meet she mouths “Oh my goodness.” I don’t have time to respond, taking some rice into my mouth.

“Can I sit here?” Hoseok asked. 

“I’d like it if you didn’t.” 

“Now I have to.” He chimes, taking the seat adjacent to me and also Jennie.

“You’ve been around a lot Mr. Jung,” Jennie says nervously. 

He hums in agreement, “I am overseeing the charity gala and gallery, so you’ll see me around more often.”

Jennie’s face lights up, “Oh right! The charity gala! Also the gallery!” She beams, all of her pearl white teeth showing.

“Are you a fan of art?” 

Jennie’s face scrunches up like an annoyed toddler. I hold back my laughter, taking another fork full of rice.

“No, not at all. A friend of mine is an artist, I’m thinking of inviting him.” She explains.

“That’s good, the more the merrier. It’s all for charity and it’s always good to do more in the community. We’ll be having famous works from all over the world, I’m sure your friend will enjoy it.”

I don’t do much talking, listening to the two of them chit chat. I shake my head at Hoseok as he makes a joke that leaves Jennie cackling. 

He’s so fake. He looks my way, grinning back at my scrutinizing gaze.

“Y/n, why are you so quiet?” Jennie questions from across me. 

Hoseok answers for me, “She’s a little mad at me right now. That’s why she’s sitting there with that mean face on. Those wrinkles in her forehead will become permanent at this point.”

Jennie giggles, “Yeah Y/n, relax!”

“Don’t you have work to do?” I ask Hoseok.

He leans back in his seat, “I do.  I just wanted to stop by and see you.” 

Jennie giggles some more, “Aww, that’s so cute.”

“Please, Jennie don’t encourage him.” I retort.

“That’s my cue to leave,” Hoseok says.

“Don’t let Y/n’s awful behavior scare you away.” Jennine pleads before looking to glare at me, “I don’t know why she’s acting like this.” 

“I-” My words got caught in my throat. A warm hand is placed on my knee. My eyes widen and I look down at the hand before looking to Hoseok.

“Thankfully, I don’t scare too easily.” Hoseok jokes. His hand moves from my knee and up to my thigh, ever so slightly. Not too far up to be considered dangerous, but still enough to leave me motionless. I exhale, trying my best to keep calm.

He looks my way, a playful glint in his eyes. He’s messing with me, once again. A shiver runs through my body as his thumb begins to caress my thigh slowly. 

“Mr. Jung, you’re not so bad. Earlier Y/n was saying all types of things, but you’re not like that at all.”

“Jennie,” I said through clenched teeth, “You are no help whatsoever.”

She holds her chin up high, “I think I’m being a great help!”

“I’m going to head out,” Hoseok announces. I can’t hide my relief, sighing and having my shoulders drop slightly. 

Thank goodness. I can’t think straight with him around and he’s messing with me on purpose. I can see the mischief in his eyes. He scoots his chair closer to me and cocks his head to the side.

I can’t hold back the small yelp of surprise as Hoseok’s hand that was on my thigh snakes up, still above the fabric of my skirt, and gentle moves over my hips as to the small of my back. He leans in closer to me, the cologne I’ve come to know to fill my nose. 

His warmth is radiating, and comforting. I almost want to lean into him. 

He brings his lips to my ear, “Doc.” He whispers. My hands move to my lap, nervously gripping my own skirt. His other hand laid onto mine.

“I’ll need you tonight,” He says softly but also a bit louder. I don’t miss the subtle gasp that leaves the mouths of the women around us. He’s really putting on a show. Forget being a mafia boss, has he tried acting?

Another shiver runs through my body. 

“Oh wow,” He mocks, his voice quieter this time, “Wat that a little tremble I saw?” 

He chuckles, “Doc, these little reactions of yours are so amusing...I can’t help but mess with you like this.” 

“I can’t stand you,” I say only loud enough for him to hear.

“The feeling is mutual. I’ll see you later...and what did I say about looking stiff?” He leans away from me, removing his hand from the small of my back. The lack of warm left me kind of sad, by the growing temperature of my body was more than enough.

My heart is racing, while I can practically hear the blood rush in my ears. He winks before standing up from his seat and making his exit without a word.

“Y/n!” Jennie exclaims, “That’s the guy you said isn’t interested in you?” 

“Jennie--”

“The only one who was being cold was you. Y/n, don’t overthink things, just go with your gut!” 

I slump in my seat, “My gut is telling me to run the other way.” 

Jennie’s brows furrow, “What is your heart telling you?” 

“I don’t listen to her.” 

“Why?” She asks as I stand from my seat. I take the tray of food as well. I don’t answer her question, saying a small goodbye instead. I look over my shoulder at the department heads and give a small smile. 

“I’ll have the additional funding decided soon,” I say kindly. With that, I toss the remains of my food in the trash and set the reusable tray in its appropriate spot. I make my way out of the cafeteria.

----

A/N: Please i’d like to hear what you thought of the chapter! inbox me with any comments, concerns, predictions or just anything you may have noticed! Those comments really help me and motivate me! Thank you!

[princesscaliban]

On Set with Sam | ♥

I had 3 different ideas for this but this one got the furthest. I must tag @mschfavngz​ ♥ 

I guess there could be a part 2 if anyone wants it. I’m SUPER into this.... subject. 😉

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

The Sabrina Netflix Instagram was updated with one story: a picture of Kiernan and Gavin both kissing Sam on the cheeks with a little red font ‘LOOK WHO’S BACK ON SET’.

The fandom went crazy with Caliban back on set right at the beginning of filming the next part. Every theory was brought to life but every Sabrina cast member kept silent.

Kiernan’s story was then updated: a picture of her sad with Sam behind her, also sad ‘I just miss @kleoshane_mua & wish she was here’.

“She’s at my apartment, she’s just sleeping.” Sam explained, “The jet lag and she hasn’t felt good.”

“But I got her a gift.” Kiernan smiled, “A super, special, surprise gift.”

“I told her to come visit today.” He shrugged, “She said she was going to sleep.”

“I will facetime her until she comes to see me and only me.”

Sam laughed, “I told her that you would want to see her.”

“And she naps? While I have a GIFT?”

“She has a… surprise too…” He smirked, heading to wardrobe as Kiernan was called to set. “I’ll try and get her here later.”

Kiernan: WOW I am so lonely on set it would be neat if you were here.

Kleo: There’s 80 people on set, I highly doubt you’re lonely. 😉

Kleo: We’re in the same apartment place as you, so just come by on your way home.

Kiernan: WHY DIDN’T SAM TELL ME THAT? I’m offended. Tell me the room and I’ll be there right when I’m done.

Kleo: Because he’s a guy and he doesn’t think it’s important.

Kleo: When it’s very important because this means SO many pizza parties while rewatching Lizzie McGuire with Abbey.

Kiernan: On another note, I told him I have a gift for you (I’ve ruined the surprise) but he said you have a SECRET SURPRISE FOR ME. 🤔

Kleo: 🤷‍♀️

Kiernan stood impatiently behind the cameras watching Sam film a scene with Gavin. The director couldn’t even cut the scene before she started questioning him.

“You’re at the same apartment place as me? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Both guys were wrapped with towels and handed robes as they were soaked from the previous scene. “I don’t know.”

“Well you’re not invited back to your own apartment after this because I’m going there.”

“I’m going on lunch.”

“And I’m going on lunch and you’re not invited.” Gavin pointed at her.

“I’m invited over you.”

“I’m invited over everyone.” Chance chimed in, not even knowing what he was talking about. “Where are we going?”

“Sam’s apartment on lunch. Kleo is there and I need to see her.”

“And I just want to go because Kiernan wants to go.”

“And I’m going because it’s my apartment?” Sam laughed, “I’m also going to shower off this… goo.. and change into dry clothes.”

“Me too and you’re definitely not invited to that.” Gavin joked, smacking Sam’s butt as they ran to the trailer area.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Kiernan: There’s an entire van of people headed to your apartment right now because I said I was going and everyone else said they were too.

Kiernan: So I hope you’re awake.

Kiernan: We also brought Chinese food.

“I told you, she’s asleep.” Sam repeated, “You’re all in for a surprise now.”

“I thought it was just a surprise for me?”

Sam shrugged, pulling keys from his pocket, “It’s a surprise for everyone.” He unlocked the door and an apartment mirroring Kiernan’s was there. No decorations, just furniture and luggage. 

Cuddled up in a ball on the couch was Kleo, fast asleep, covered in a huge blanket she had bought Sam for set but soon after kept for herself. 

Kiernan, Gavin, Ty, Chance and Abbey not-so-quietly followed him in; putting bags of Chinese food on the empty table. 

“Kleo, babe. You’ve got visitors.” Sam said, sitting down on the couch next to her head, “Might want to wake up.”

“Who?”

Five different people said, “me” before she opened her eyes and smiled, “Hi guys.”

“Oh my god I know your secret.” Abbey almost screamed before covering her mouth. “I just saw something.” She mumbled between her fingers.

Everyone began looking around before Kleo started talking, “Ignore the fact that I’m in workout clothes and I haven’t been working out.”

“As if we all wear workout gear to workout.” Kiernan laughed.

“I also have gotten sick all morning and haven’t showered since we left Aus.” Kleo reached for Sam’s hand and he pulled her to stand up. “But—“

The blanket dropped and everyone gasped at her stomach, sticking out, clearly showing she was pregnant.

“Surprise.” She smiled, unintentionally grabbing her belly. “This is why I’m tired and sick.”

“Oh my god.” Was all Kiernan could get out before running across the room and hugging her.

“I saw the prenatal vitamins on the kitchen counter.” Abbey laughed, lining up to hug her next.

“How the hell did you two keep this a secret?” Gavin asked, “You’ve even posted pictures and stuff.. how..”

“A lot of old pictures that had never been on Instagram.” Kleo laughed, “I just got past the point of looking like I gained weight. I finally look like I’m pregnant. Some pictures I can get away with an oversize hoodie and still post it.”

“Oversize hoodie..” Sam laughed, “She takes my clothes.”

“Because you’re half of the reason I need new clothes.” She grinned, making her way to the table full of Chinese food. “Please tell me this was intentional.”

“Sam kept suggesting it…” Chance said, “I just thought he was craving the Chinese food.”

“Fried rice and eggrolls are all I ever want.”

“And anything with cheese.”

“Anything. With. Cheese.” She agreed, “The heartburn is worth it.”

“Were you just planning on keeping this a secret for as long as you could?” Ty laughed, “Because it’s.. obvious..”

“I was going to go to set tomorrow and see who noticed.”

“Everyone would notice.” They all laughed, “Miranda, Lucy and Michelle are going to freak out.”

“Lucy joked about it today when I said you were sick.” Sam remembered, “She said I had probably knocked you up. And I laughed… and then left the makeup trailer because I didn’t know what to say.”

“You should have just told her she was right.” Kleo laughed, “Imagine the look on her face.”

Kiernan tried to mimic the face the all knew Lucy would have made before they all burst out laughing.

“Little bean is the size of an orange now, weighs two ounces and is growing hair and eyebrows.” Kleo read off her app that she checked every day, “Five months to go…” She groaned, “Less morning sickness and trips to the bathroom. Thank god.” 

“She peed fourteen times on the flight here.” Sam said, “She finally had to just tell the flight attendant she was pregnant because she seemed like a psycho.”

“I had to beg the last time because we were about to land but I was also about to pee in a water bottle.”

“She had an actual water bottle out and told me she was going to use it.”

“It’s not like you can hold it. It’s there and it has to come out. There’s no muscles to hold pregnant pee.” 

Sam laughed to himself and it seemed like Kleo immediately knew what he was thinking about, “Don’t…”

“We were leaving dinner one night and she.. she…” He could barely talk as Kleo just covered her face, “I made a joke about something dumb, it wasn’t even funny. And I got in the car and she never got in the car.”

“I was peeing by the car.” She told on herself, “I squatted down right there, in the parking lot, thankful I had a dress on and I peed.”

Sam turned his phone to everyone and pushed play, “Kleo babe, what just happened?”

Kleo tried to push him away as she got into the car, laughing at herself as she had just had to take her underwear off. “Sam I want to kill you.”

“What happened though?” He held the door open and she sat in the passenger seat with her arms crossed, “Just tell me.”

“I peed in the parking lot.”

“The parking lot of a restaurant.”

“It’s your fault.” She pushed him away and closed the door. He filmed the small wet spot of pavement before going to the driver seat to pester her more. “Stop filming me, drive home.”

“Babe, babe, babe. Just. I can’t. You just went down and peed.”

She rolled her eyes at him, “Because your pull out ga—“ the video cut and everyone laughed. 

“There’s so many videos and pictures I wish I could just post everywhere.” He scrolled through his camera roll: Kleo crying at a coffee commercial, Kleo eating french fries dipped in mustard, Kleo asleep on the bathroom floor, Kleo using his legs as some sort of pillow to go to sleep, a video of her holding a little pair of Converse and crying, her weird clothing selections and ways of falling asleep and the last sonograms they had gotten.

The black and white pictures were barely recognizable aside from a head and a body. “But we don’t know if we want to find out what it is.”

“I have thought about that a lot. But I don’t think I could do it.” Abbey said, “I’m too crazy about things. I would want to organize and have everything set and ready to go.”

“Same.” Kiernan agreed, “But for some reason, you two are the perfect people to not find out.”

“You’re so quirky.” Gavin joked, “So hipster.”

“Everything white.” Ty said, “No color.”

“No color at all.” Kleo laughed, “White and maybe ivory. Wooden toys. Gender neutral names. No pain medicine. At home birth. In the bath tub.”

“Cloth diapers. Organic food. All recycled everything.” Sam added, “Except for the fact that you want to be at a hospital and you want medicine.”

“Oh drug me up, I don’t want to feel a thing.” She laughed, “My cervix becoming the size of a bagel is something I don’t want to feel, ever.”

“A bagel?!” Kiernan asked, “I knew it would stretch but a bagel!?”

“That’s what the birthing coach said.”

“Awww, little Sammy and Kleo at birthing class. That’s precious.” Abbey said, “Did you do the whole breathing thing and stuff with a workout ball?”

“Actually, yes. It was really boring, then gross when they showed the video and then I couldn’t stop thinking about Cinnamon Toast Crunch so I told Sam to listen.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

One by one they surprised the rest of the cast and crew. They were the only ones to know aside from their families and the last person Kleo toured with as a makeup artist.

Sam got a punch in the shoulder from Lucy for not telling her she was right earlier in the day. 

Miranda couldn’t stop hugging Kleo, kissing her head and telling her she was, “glowing.”

Michelle thought it was a joke and so did a few others. Kleo proved them wrong by pulling up her oversize shirt to prove it was her real stomach. She almost peed on set once from Gavin shoving pillows in his shirt and claiming he was also pregnant by Sam, but she made it to a bathroom just in time.

As they all filmed she fell asleep everywhere. In a dressing room, back stage, on a set they weren’t using and on Sam’s lap while everyone played cards.

@kleoshane_mua: Sam + Kleo = ❤️

-@kiernanshipka: I can’t wait to meet the little demon baby of hell. 💕

-@gavinleatherwood: I’m mad that @samcorlett didn’t get me pregnant first.

-@ty_cotton: I have high hopes that #Mabrina follows in your footsteps.

-@tatigabrielle: I am obsessed with your new outie belly button. 😍

-@chance_perdomo: A little Duke or Duchess of Hell. Perfect. 😈

“I posted a picture and I’m putting my phone on do not disturb.” Kleo yawned, crawling on the couch.

“That would be why my phone is going off every thirty seconds.”

“Yes, Daddy.” She nodded into his chest, wiggling her way to get comfortable on top of him. “You smell good.”

“I showered?”

“I like it.” She shoved her head into his chest, “You’re comfy.”

“I’m glad?” He just watched her as she finessed her leg between his, her hand up his shirt, “Better than when I was covered in goo?”

“Way better.” She snuggled against him, her face in his neck, “You smell so good.”

“You said that.”

“I know but.. “ She took another sniff, “It’s different. It’s the pregnancy nose. Second trimester. I also haven’t felt sick in a while but my boobs hurt so bad.”

“They’ve grown.” He laughed, “Are you comfortable yet?”

“No.” She giggled into his neck, “I’m not.”

“Okay?”

“Second trimester.”

“Second trimester?” He repeated after her, “Do you have to pee?”

“No, that hopefully will go away for while.”

“Is the baby moving a lot?”

“Well not right now.”

“Does your back hurt?”

“No.” She kept giggling, her hand wandering around his chest, down to where his sweatpants began. “They call the second trimester the Honeymoon Period.”

“There’s no way anything is happening like that.” He stopped her hand, “You could, wait.. couldn’t you cause contractions?”

“Not this early.” Sam looked down and her bottom lip was sticking out, “Nothing bad can happen, I promise.” She shook her hand from his grip and ventured further down, “And there’s no way you’re telling me no right now.”

“No.” He tried to push her hand off of him but she gripped onto the top of his pants.

“I’ve had to look at you all day shirtless…” She wrapped her hand around the back of his neck, “..wet…” She pushed herself up to straddle his lap, “…and being all moody with your lip biting and eye rolling..” Her nails dug into his scalp, “And the groaning when you were tied down…” 

Kleo was in his face, biting her own lip just thinking about the sounds he made all during that specific scene. “There was a reason I left early.”

“Oh do tell..” He smirked up at her, grabbing onto the back of her legs. 

Without missing a beat, “I was so turned on.” She said, sitting up, intentionally resting her weight on his hips. 

“Don’t say stuff like that around the baby.” He joked, rubbing her stomach. “But it is a little in the way.”

“I don’t think. You understand.” She took a deep breath, squeezing a part of his t-shirt in her hand, “That I will do anything. And I mean, anything, right—

“Woah, woah, woah, calm down momma bear.” Sam laughed, “You tell me what to do and we can do it.”

Without even answering she grabbed his face and pulled herself down to kiss him, baby bump slightly hindering how close she could get but she didn’t even care. All that mattered was that she could feel him pushing his own pants off before he grabbed onto hers.

[bangtansfavwriter]

🌷jungkook having a crush on you🌷

- jk and you vibed so fast that you became close friends very quickly (the chaotic duo that tested hyung line's last nerves when you were in your mischievous mood)

-you sorta became an honorary member of the maknae line and after you pulled a prank on jin that included a chocolate cake, marmite and liquorice and ended up with jin's face shrivelling so bad that it may have caused him his first wrinkles

(his revenge was to serve you kimchi bokkeumbap with kimchi that had gone bad, which resulted in the worst heartburn you ever had ("an eye for a eye, y/n" - you, drinking your 3rd mint tea that night: "fair enough"), you redeemed yourself by buying him hyaluronic acid lotion and his favourite strawberry cheesecake, jk just laughed his ass off to the misery jin and you went through and blackmailed jin with marmite whenever they bickered ("it will hit u when u least expect it, hyung" - "I can't believed I raised lucifer himself"))

-anyway, jk and you are always very playful together, and you laugh so much when you're with him bc of his antics

-he doesn't mind being extra goofy to make you laugh, it lifts his spirits as well

-hates to see you sad/upset, namjoon and jk once spoke about you, after namjoon asked him about your guys' friendship and for the first time in ages he was sure jungkook had deeper feelings for someone, as he said: "I don't mind making a fool out of myself, if it brings a smile on y/n's face. hyung, I know this is going to sound weird but sometimes I feel like it is my purpose to show y/n everything good and funny, this is something I wanna keep doing for a long time." (tbh namjoon teared up)

-your guys' fav pastimes were watching cartoons/animes and you had a fiery competition going on in any kind of jump and run games, especially for sonic (you once beat jk after a 4 hour session and he threw a dramatic fit until you made him hot chocolate and he finally calmed down)

-would show you tons of pics and vids of gureum and filmed every minute of your first encounter

-your personal photographer tbh, you two could go chill in a parking lot and he would still do the most aesthetic shots

-despite all the funny moments you two also had serious conversations together. moments like that were rare and mostly after 2am when you two shared secrets with each other you didn't dare to speak about at daytime, like your views on love where jungkook first thought of how much he wants to be your "loved one"

-has a folder with his favourite pics of you or places that remind him of you somehow, but he'd never tell you that

- tries to impress you quiet often, like the time you went for karaoke

your pick: new face

his pick: vision of love

you: ????????? bitch ?????? do i look like i can sing a mariah song????

jk: well....... i can..... 👀

you: i'll see you at the whistle notes

jk: i've made a huge mistake

-you're usually the first person to listen to his covers and he looooves seeing your reaction to it (but he's usually pretty nervous about it too)

- cannot concentrate for shit when you're watching him during dance practice, so hobi told you, in a nice way, to stay away from dance practice for the sake of bts and jk apologised like 12 times to everyone, he got better at focusing over time and you watched him once in a while... but he'd get v shy when he had to do hip thrusts and stuff, you'd just laugh it off but in reality you were just trying to hide you how much he actually affects you, especially during a choreo like that

-the boys teased him quite a lot about you and he'd get all whiny and say it's not like he had a crush on you or something

vmin: *laughing*

sope: *shaking their heads*

jin: oh reallyyy~~

namjoon: so you're ok with the fact y/n is on a date rn?

jungkook: WHAT

- so namjoon took out his phone and showed jk that you updated your story with some food pic where you could see a man's hand in the background, who was also tagged in the pic

namjoon: see? that guy also tagged y/n here in his pic

jk: .....

-the guys stopped teasing him the second they realized how upset jk actually was (he went completely silent, eyebrows furrowed), yoongi just stated the obvious: "our maknae is in love, huh", the boys smiled and jungkook nodded with a sad look on his face

-the next time you visited the guys jungkook was visibly flustered around you and would be just overwhelmed with the entire situation bc he wanted to know who that guy was, but he didn't know how to ask and neither did he want to intrude and what if you're taking it the wrong way and say that it's none of his business and suddenly he loses his best friend because of some stupid guy in a stupid picture and some stupid hypothetical date.... overthinking at its finest, as you can see...

-you didn't know why he became so awkward around you, the boys obviously knew but they couldn't say anything without risking jungkook completely losing his shit, but jungkook avoided you and left early when you were there and you were like "... why"...well the boys knew why but they couldn't say anything

-you tried talking to him but he tried to avoid you since he got so flustered around you that he'd stuttering, get embarrassed about it and then leave...

-you asked the boys about it, but they wouldn't say anything but tbh this was almost painful to watch for them bc they love their maknae but they knew this wasn't going anywhere.... so their eldest took the matter into his own hands and talked to you and asked you about the guy in your story.....

-shortly after that, the guys went to europe for vacation. jungkooks airport look was something for the goth look book once again, while the other guys looked bright and ready for their time off, and jin was like "oh here we go again" and once again jk helped out...

- the boys knew he kept himself busy the entire time after things got awkward with you, but they didn't exactly know what he was doing in his studio, only taehyung knew he was editing something

-so the boys were enjoying their time off and even got jungkook's mind off of you with some sightseeing and other leisure activities they had planned

-but at the end of the day, he thought of you and read your last messages over and over again. the last time you had texted was when you wished him a good time in europe and he thanked you. he sighed as he realized how your long texts with each other had turned into such short ones within 1 week

- yoongi: i cannot take this anymore, we need to do something about this

jin: i did. i invited y/n to join us.

the boys: ???

jin: all expenses on the company.

the boys: ?????????

-also, this was the first time you guys were separated, and it gave him the chance think about what he truly wants for you two, friendship or more.. he decided to confide in namjoon and jin about it and seek advice

namjoon: i'm sure y/n likes you too, and even if not, which I really doubt, at least you'll get it sorted out that way and carry on

jk: hyung, see that's the thing. if my feelings will not be reciprocated, i won't be able to continue a friendship... that's why I am so scared.

jin: y/n's coming here, tomorrow, jk, only for you, so i'm pretty sure your feelings will be reciprocated. just be honest about them.

jk: what do you mean y/n's gonna be here tomorrow?

jin: exactly that.

jk: with all due respect, hyung-nim, what the fuck

(-namjoon cackling in the background-)

-so jin explained how he asked you about joining them bc jk was so down and reassured jk that he didn't tell you anything about his feelings and that you solely come there bc you also had 2 weeks off and you wanted to spend time with him, even though jin had some convincing to do since you thought it might be awkward between jk and you

- jin: also, the supposed date on her story? that was just a night out among co-workers, so it was definitely not a date, I asked y/n about it

jk: ....... why didn't you tell me sooner? why are you telling me that a week later, when I'm in another country??

jin: remember the time you put actual fish oil in my bungeoppang?

jk:

jin: see, you did this and I'm still arranging you a romantic getaway, like the merciful god i am

jk: oh my god

jin: exactly

-jk texted you the same night and asked you where you are and said that jin told him everything. "maybe I should let the food war continue after all..", you thought and rolled your eyes. you sent jungkook a pic from the view you had from your hotel room, where you arrived a few hours prior, and he could clearly recognize that you were indeed there, as unbelievable as it was for him.

you: I can't believe jin ruined the surprise

jk: trust me, it still was a huge surprise for me

you: a good one, I hope?

jk: definitely... you know, i actually wanted to text you.

you: about the past week, i suppose?

jk: kinda. i'm going to send you something. it was done rather quickly, so have some mercy on me with that.. and please don't be mad at me

you: ok..? you're kind of worrying me here

jk: and y/n.. i won't say anything about it, it should speak for itself.. and please don't say anything about it until I see you tomorrow, ok?

you: alright..

jk: I'll see you at the café jin hyung told me about, depending on the answer you're gonna give me

you: I'll be there, no matter what

jk: ok, then, yellow shirt in case you're answer is positive, black shirt in any other case, how about that?

you: fine by me koo ☺️

jk: ok...... here goes nothing 🙇🏻‍♂️

-what he sent you was a gcf with your name as the title and what followed was a beautiful compilation of your favourite moments you and jungkook had shared, and some moments you weren't even aware of the fact that he was filming you..some scenes, for example: your guys' trip to lotte world, you giggling into the camera when turned the cam to both of you wearing bunny ears, you laughing your ass off while filming him dancing to cl's "hello bitches", you on the day you went to the planetarium together, the time you came over to his place with food after he was too exhausted to do anything after practice and you watched "spirited away" together, then you playing with gureum while he giggles behind the camera, you being bts' no 1 hype man during their concert preparations, some videos where you cheered for him during the days you two spent apart bc of award shows.... and at the end of the video there was a single picture of you two, where you smiled widely into the camera, while he looked at you with a shy smile on his face... and finally, you heard his voice saying the words which appeared on screen: "be my loved one".

- the next day, jungkook was waiting for you in the café opposite the church, where you would come to as well. he was nervous as hell and honestly he still wasn't sure if you're actually going to come there or if jin played a prank on him. he checked his texts again and again and just stared at the "read" sign beneath the text and the video he sent you and mentally slapped himself for telling you to keep your answer to yourself until you meet him in the café. he started overthinking again, to a point where he zoned out so much that he didn't even notice 6 guys with huge sunglasses and a suspicious lot of newspapers, sitting at another table what finally made him snap back into reality was the sound of someone pulling the chair at his table, which instantly made him turn around only to see you sitting down next to him, right at the moment when the bells started ringing. undoubtedly, the colour yellow has never made jungkook happier.

💕

epilogue:

-at the dorms with the boys after you left your company dinner party early-

jimin: why'd you come back so early?

you: because SOMEONE almost broke my co-workers hand during a handshake

jk: it's called asserting dominance, y/n, don't you ever listen to david attenborough sunbaenim?

[renee-writer]

Room and Board Chapter 44 A Child is Born

“I can’t wait to be through with this pregnancy.” Claire is thirty-nine weeks and five days in and so over it. Past the stage where sweet comments like: you are glowing. Isn't it wonderful to be carrying a life. And the like make up for the lack of sleep, the constant heartburn and need of the loo. She wants to see her child.

“It won't be long now.” Jenny says with a smile. They are shopping with two year old Becca and 18 month old Maggie. The girls, holding hands, walk in front of them. They are both outgrowing all and need new clothes.

“So everyone is saying. But I feel like I will be pregnant forever.”

“I recall that feeling.” She looks at her daughter with affection.

“I do too. You just tend to forget.”

“Aye. If we didn’t they would all be only children.” Claire laughs and then gasp as a huge pain goes through her followed by a flood of water. She looks at Jenny in panic. “Don't freak. Deep cleansing breath.” She takes one as Jenny calls out to the lasses. “Come your auntie and mam is in labor.”

She is taken to a chair. Jenny calls Jamie and Ian. The girls are quiet, awed by the enormity of the event.

“Jamie and Ian are meeting us at the hospital. Ian will take the lasses.”

“Okay.” She is breathing through the pain.

“Well you wanted this over.”

“Can I change my mind?”

“Far to late luv.”

Jamie is pacing in front of the hospital. He runs to them when the pull up.

“Mam is having our baby da.” Becca informs him.

“I ken love. Isn't it exciting?”

“Aye. I am going to stay with Maggie and Uncle Ian?”

“Aye while mam has the baby. Aunt Jenny and I are going to help her.”

“Okay da.” She turns to her mam. “Be okay mam?”

“I will baby. It is just hard work. But~ I will be okay.” The pain is ramping back up. Jamie turns his daughter towards her uncle and cousin. He nods and leads him towards the car.

“Come lasses. Let's get you home. We will have a tea and some movies, eh?”

“Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!” she leans against the wall and tries to ride out the immensity of the pain. Jamie is there, rubbing her back.

“Almost over baby.”

“Grand! Why don't you take the next one?” she growls.

“I would if I could.” She has been in labor now for ten hours. Approaching seven cms., she is feeling every nerve at it's surface. Jamie and Jenny are the subjects of her wrath.

“Come love, let's walk.” Jenny urges.

“You bloody walk! Ohhhh!” She cries out. Jamie presses tight on her back as he flashes a look to Jenny. A minute. The contractions where less then a minute. Jenny nods and runs after a nurse.

“Okay Claire, you are at nine cms. Just a few more.” Gillian tells her.

“I can’t. It is to f*cking painful!”

“I know. But you can. You are.” Claire sits, squatted on the bed. Jamie is behind her. Jenny had stepped out to update Ian and Murtagh, who had joined him to help with the lasses.

“Ugggg,” she groans as the pain runs back through her. Jamie holds tight to her hands and does all he can to help her ride out the pain.

“Grand job. Just a lip left. One more and you can push.”

She closes her eyes and grunts to provide herself from screaming. She is able to push with the next contraction.

She pushes as her legs and arms shake. Waves of hot and cold runs through her. The pressure is immense. She feels like she is being torn in two. She hears them, Gillian, Jenny, and Jamie. All encouraging. She tries to focus on them but must go inward to find the strength she needs.

“A few more like that.” Gillian says, “and you will have your baby.”

A grunt, a breath, another grunt. Jamie supporting her from behind. Jenny wiping sweat from her brow. Gillian massaging her rapidly stretching opening with oil to prevent tearing.

“Good. Good. I see hair. Grab a breath Claire and give us another, just like that.” She gathers the very last of her strength, and pushes. “Grand. Okay here comes the head. Pant for a swcond Claire while I clean the mouth and nose.” A quick, he he he,” fills the room. “Okay, one more.” And knowing it really is it, gives her the strength to give that final push. She feels the shoulders and then the hollow feeling as the baby slips out of her. She feels her breath hold until her child takes the first one. A scream follows and she is able to breath.

“Here she is mam. A wonderfully unhappy baby.” She lifts the red haired, still crying baby on to her chest. Her , Jamie, and Jenny stare at her with tears running down their faces.

“Hi Elisabeth Jane. I am so glad you are finally here.”

[petals42]

The Parson/Chowder Body Switching AU that, well, actually Ngozi did specifically ask for...

Okay so this was going to be a full fic and then i got 1k in and realized that if it was going to be done right, it would have to be like 50k and I don’t have quite the inspiration to do that so, I present to do, the bullet point form of: The Chowder/Kent Parson Body Switch Fic (petals version) [Note: it is still like 6.5k because i have lost control of my life]

Kent Parson wakes up in an unfamiliar bedroom and is like “well, fuck, did this again-- but it’s a Friday so… that’s not that crazy” because he’s Kent Parson and if you think KP is not getting dangerously drunk on the semi-regular, then you have not given him as much angst as I have and I invite you to get on board with Kenny P and his bad coping mechanisms

Of course, he is a little confused, cause he usually saves that for the off-season and they are still playing so like… it’s not totally in character but he accepts he was extra stupid last night.

Actually he was really fucking stupid because he clearly hooked up with a guy (based on the smell) and a Sharks fan (based on the whole fucking room) and he usually doesn’t risk hooking up with hockey fans because… he’s not trusting hockey fans to not out him to the world.

(And also good lord, if he is so drunk he cannot even remember this guy at all, he was probably a shitty lay.)

But, okay, he accepts this: Bad decisions were made last night. But this isn’t exactly his first rodeo so he breaks it down like he would a play and first things first: Coffee.

He stumbles down to get coffee, noting that his body is moving kinda weird and maybe he is still drunk?? That would also explain the lack of hangover.

This is when shit gets crazy. Because Bitty is downstairs in the kitchen and Bitty smiles when he sees him and there is no world in which Eric Bittle, Jack’s perfect fucking boyfriend, smiles at him. Kent Parson, Jack’s fucking asshole of an ex.

Then Bitty moves away from the kitchen window and Kent sees himself and-- Holy Shit, he is not Kent Parson.

MEANWHILE, over in Vegas, Chowder wakes up with a killer headache and worries he is getting sick which is good in that it means Bitty will make him soup, bad in that he has a project he needs to do with Dex and also, boy his feet are hot.

He makes the mistake of moving them.

He is then attacked by some huge white furry monster and when he yelps, the monster freezes, looks at him long and hard for a tense 30 seconds before hissing and running away.

It is at this point that Chowder realizes he is not in his own room. In fact, he does not think he is in the Haus. His assumption that this is a prank by Holster and Ransom but it seems awfully elaborate and they lost last night so he would have thought he was safe from pranks oh and also, when he swings his head to see more of the room (dark gray sheets, mint colored wall, no art up at all), a piece of his hair falls out and it--

It is white people hair. Blond. He’d know it a mile away.

So he jumps up and runs to the bathroom and Holy Shit He Is Kent Parson.

Meanwhile, Kent has almost died. Bitty had asked about the Sharks and he had been too stunned to lie and then Bitty threatened him with death and he’s managed to laugh and say something like “JUST KIDDING JUST KIDDING THEY WON 3-1!!!” (he was shouting more out of fear than enthusiasm but luckily it seemed to do the trick) and thank god he actually did follow that game because they were playing the Sharks the next day.

Well. The Aces are playing the Sharks the next day.

He is… fucking shit, he needs to figure out who he was.

He forgoes the coffee that Bitty offers him and runs to the bathroom and-- Chowder. He stalks enough of Samwell and Bitty’s dumb vlog that he knows Chowder. He is… He is Chowder. He is trapped in Chowder’s body. He is--

He is on his way to a full panic attack when the door bangs open and Holster blinks at him and “you’re up early dude” and then walks over to the toilet and starts peeing and he looks half asleep so Kent runs away.

Running away does not work though, because Ransom grabs him as he tries and “no, no, no moping about the game last night for you. It was a tough loss, but it was everyone’s fault, not yours and c’mon Bitty is making breakfast”

And so Kent Parson is manhandled back downstairs.

Chowder’s solution to the problem was to lay down and hope that he woke up from that fucking weird ass dream.

It does not work.

So then he gets up and decides that step one is to fix this hangover. He grabs water, advil, open the fridge to find that it is empty (almost cries a little tbh) and it is when going for his phone that he realizes his phone is Parson’s phone and that phone is dead. He cannot get into the laptop because there is a password. So ordering food is out.

He is nothing if not a problem solver though so Chowder puts the phone to charge, hops in and out of the shower, puts on clothes (that are literally so soft oh my god kent parson spends his money right), grabs his wallet and keys (at least, he assumes) and heads out.

Luckily, Kent Parson lives in a walkable area. So no driving is necessary to find a chinese place because that is exactly what Chowder thinks he needs right now. Good, cheap, tastes nothing like the real thing but man he loves it anyway, Chinese food.

When he walks in the store, the man behind the counter says “you want the usual?” and it is here that Chowder makes his first mistake. Because he doesn’t know what white-boy Kent gets but he’s sure it’s not what he wants. So he says “no”, gives the man a correct order (yes, he’s sure he wants extra hot everything, thank you very much) and then he takes it home and--

DIES.

HE DIES.

Chowder puts one bite of what is SUPPOSED to be delicious food into his mouth and HE DIES.

Seriously. His whole mouth lights up on fire and he starts sweating and gets the hiccups and also heartburn?? It turns out that is a thing?? and the only thing in Kent Parson’s fridge is heavy cream (presumably for coffee) but Chowder just takes that to the dome and holy shit, white people are the worst and he--

He goes back and says “yes, actually, please I would like my usual” and then goes promptly back to sleep.

Because he is hungover and stuck in a nightmare where mild beef and broccoli is almost too much for him and sleep seems to be the best solution.

Kent Parson would like to be asleep. Boy, would he. But Ransom had dragged him downstairs and he is trying to continue to hate Bitty while also eating these fucking delicious waffles and his strategy to making it through this breakfast is to just sit quietly and nod every once and a while and hope that Samwell’s loss is enough of an explanation for “chowder’s” silence this morning.

(He also has to keep reminding himself to stop glaring at Bitty. Bitty is… Bitty fucking hates him but not when he’s in this body and that’s weird and he hates Bitty too because Bitty has it all and he has nothing and he-- Everyone here clearly loves Bitty. He has to pretend.)

“Dude, you aren’t even ready yet?” The boy telling him this is very ginger and Kent doesn’t think he was around when he came to Samwell the last time but “cut a man a break, Dex,” another boy says, sliding into a stool. “Chill a little. You’ll get there in time.”

“Class starts in 15 minutes,” Dex tells him and Kent is going to open his mouth to say that he is not feeling well and gonna skip but Bitty is sort of frowning at him suspiciously so he just nods mutely and runs for the stairs.

It is now, in this minute alone, that he gets his first good idea: Call myself. He grabs Chowder’s phone, thanks every god that might exist that Chowder has his fingerprint set up so security is not an issue and then he types in his own number and--

Nothing.

His phone is off.

Goddammit.

There’s nothing left to do but get ready to go. So, he pulls on clothes (and man, this guy needs an updated wardrobe, like seriously what are these t-shirts made of?? cardboard??) and runs after Dex and okay, it turns out he has computer something-or-other… at 10AM. Every MWF. What the fuck.

Chowder wakes up a few hours later, feeling better, but still tragically stuck in Kent Parson’s body.

Also the cat. It’s back. And glaring at him. But also… meowing at the food bowl.

Chowder considers looking up how much food you are supposed to give cats and then thinks, fuck it, and fills the whole thing. The cat looks pleased by this but when Chowder tries to pet her, she hisses at him.

Either this cat somehow knows he is not really Kent Parson or she is the meanest fucking cat in the world.

At this point, Chowder sees that Kent’s phone is charged, turns it on and finds out that Kent Parson is one of those idiots with one of those patterns used to unlock it instead of a fingerprint.

He is… he is at a loss for what to do. LUCKILY, at that moment (because this is fic), a Troy Swoops calls. Chowder lunges for the phone and answers it and

“Booy, where the fuck are you?? We’re all at the stadium and our flight leaves in three and a half hours so like… what the fuck?”

“Uh. Oh. Um. I’m…” Chowder had been so excited to answer, he had actually not thought this totally all the way through.

“I’m… flight?”

“Yes. Flight. Leaving this afternoon. For the game tomorrow.”

Right. Kent Parson is on a professional hockey team. Kent Parson plays games. “Yes.” Chowder says. “Right… where are… where are we going for the game?”

There is silence on the other end. Dead silence.

“Dude. what the fuck. We… we’re playing the Sharks tomorrow. You know that.” The voice sounds honestly concerned.

“HAH! RIGHT!” Chowder says, trying to play this off. “Just kidding! Haha, uh, obviously I knew that. Just… got you!”

He winces. He does not think he sounds like Kent Parson. He clears his throat and tries. “Gosh, Swoops, you are… so fucking gullible. If I-- If I told you gullible was written on the ceiling you would-- you would fucking believe it!”

“Uh- what?”

“Look, gotta go,” Chowder says. “I’ll be at the stadium soon” And then hangs up. And throws the phone.

And then let’s out a little scream because finally, finally, he thinks he knows what’s going on.

Kent Parson is 99% sure everyone around him is talking in a different language. Sure, he recognizes the words they are saying and sometimes he can put together a sentence but… he has no idea what is happening. He has his notebook open since Dex had shoved his bag at him on their way out and he opened it to see his (well, Chowder’s) handwriting all over it and everyone is scribbling furiously around him and well… fuck, he’s inhabiting the guy’s body so he might as well try to take some notes for the kid so…

As of right now, he has managed to write: Java is… good. Or bad. Binary. Zeros. Remember to close your loops. Documentation. Loops splicing??

The class mercifully ends and he nods when Dex turns and tells him he had some good ideas for their project and then--

Then a girl is walking up to them and Kent looks behind him, praying to anyone who may be listening that that familiar smile and flirtatious wave is for someone who is standing right behind him but--

“Hey babe!” the girl says and of course, of course this guy has to have a fucking girlfriend.

“Uh, hi!” he says and tries to sound enthused and then she is leaning in for a kiss (one of those casual, “we’ve been dating for a long time and still really like each other so I’ll kiss you in public” kisses that Kent has only seen in movies) and then Kent Parson’s cheek has been kissed and this body blushes so easily he literally feels himself turning red.

He does not remember the last time someone has kissed him on the cheek.

Unless it is a female reporter doing a polite “meet and greet” sort of kiss.

This feels different.

“Are we still hanging out before your practice?” she asks.

“Oh, yeah, right,” he says. “Hanging out… for lunch. Lunch.”

Her face falls into a slight frown. “Don’t you usually do lunch with the team before?”

“Yeah. Yes. Now?”

“It’s 11,” she says, raising her eyebrows. “We have an hour to kill. I thought we were going to… you know. Hang out.”

She is smirking a bit and leaning closer and Kent turns around to see that Dex has conveniently disappeared and look, Kent is the first person to tell you that he is a fucking asshole but he is certainly not about to go fool around this girl while trapped in her boyfriend’s body.

“No!” he yelps, taking two steps away as if that will help. “I mean… uh- sorry. I- I don’t feel well. Actually. I’m going to… I have to… Sorry, I’ll see you later. I am… busy. So busy! Homework! And sick. I am both.”

And then he turns and basically runs away.

It is the least smooth Kent Parson has ever been.

But he tears out of the building and back to the Haus and thank god it is empty so he reaches for his--no Chowder’s--phone and calls himself and--

“HELLO!”

Kent Parson has never been so thrilled to hear his own voice in his entire life.

“Chowder?”

“KENT PARSON! OH MY GOD-- IT’S CHRIS CHOW I AM IN YOUR BODY.”

“Shit, fuck. I know!” Kent says, his relief is coming out of him in the form of annoyance because he has had too much personal interaction today and he is scared and he wants his body back and-- “I’m in your fucking body!”

“I AM SORRY!”

“Stop yelling!” Kent says. “Stop just-- let’s calm down. We need to-- we need to fix this.”

“Right. Sorry. Sorry,” Chowder says. “I- I think this is my fault.”

“Wh-What? How?”

“Well, last night,” Chowder says. “Around 1AM my time so like… what is that 10pm your time? There was a shooting star and I-- well I wished on it. Did you see it?”

“No,” Kent replies. “Why the fuck would I wish on a goddamn star?”

“I didn’t think it would work,” Chowder says. “I just-- I wished!”

“To take over my body??” Kent replies.

“No! No I just… I wished to play in the NHL! To play the Sharks! So I’ve been thinking and… and I think that’s why this happened. To me, at least. I don’t… I don’t know why it would have been you that I switched with.”

Kent… Kent swallows and doesn’t say anything. Because he… he’s just remembered something. At 9pm… at 9pm he was home alone in his apartment and he’d… he might have accidentally wished something but it wasn’t a wish. It was more a passing thought and he--

“Well, whatever,” he says, roughly. “The point is we have to fix this.”

“I feel like we probably just need to meet up?” Chowder says. “Hold hands maybe?”

Kent wants to scoff at that idea but also he has somehow switched bodies with another human person so like… any idea is a good idea at this point.

“Alright,” he says. “Let’s meet up.”

“I’m about to get on a plane to San Jose!” Chowder says. “Or should I stay here?”

“Stay- fuck, no! You gotta- I can’t miss a game. Get on that plane. I’ll meet you in San Jose. I’ll buy a ticket.”

“Uh-- I don’t… my credit card isn’t going to handle that,” Chowder says. “Sorry.”

Kent blinks. He has… he has not thought of money in a long, long time. “Oh. Well. you buy me one. Or, I mean, I’ll-- use my credit card and go by a ticket for me. Eh, Chris Chow. Buy a ticket for you but use my card. Your card.”

“You’re sure?”

“Dude, we have to get switched back. Like… yesterday. It doesn’t fucking matter.”

“Oh! Okay! I’ll get you on like the first flight. Also… I… I owe you $15. I had to buy chinese food with your card.”

“Dude, you can--- you can buy whatever you want. Go crazy.”

Downstairs, the front door squeaks open.

“I gotta go,” he says. “Gotta go. Buy the ticket. E-mail me.”

“Wait! What’s your shape password!”

“It’s just an L! Backwards!”

“Backwards L. Got it! Okay! I’ll get you a ticket! Nice meeting you! I’ll take care of your body!!”

“Uh,you too?? Bye,” Kent says. And hangs up.

And wonders at the fact that his idle thought last night, the thought that flitted across his mind just as he flopped on his couch and poured himself a glass of whiskey, somehow got him here. Stuck in another man’s body.

He doesn’t know if the thought, if I wish I was just fucking happy, was worth it.

Chowder almost misses the flight. He has to purchase a ticket for himself (which is wild because Kent texts and tells him to make sure to get FIRST CLASS!! And then when Chowder tells him he doesn’t know how to get First Class only one way, Kent says “get it fucking both ways then) and then Kent texts him telling him to leave out extra food and water for Kit (who still has not stopped hissing btw) and all of that just takes longer than he thought. Asking for advice results in the following: “curse a lot and say you were a bit sick. It’s not ideal but whatever ill deal with it when we switch back”. It exactly the opposite of what he would do “apologize profusely and just tell the truth” but Chowder can see why “telling the truth” would not be ideal in this situation.

So he pretends he is in a horrible mood and limits his sorry to once per sentence and tries to curse more and the weird thing is, even after he says he’s sick, no one on the team really asks how he’s doing. They all just seem both a bit annoyed that he was so late he had to just meet them at the airport and relieved that he actually made it. Even when he says “sorry was throwing up, didn’t know if i could play!” the only question he gets is “you gonna be up for it?” and that’s it.

Well, Swoops orders him a ginger ale and sits next to him on the plane but it… it’s very different.

Then it occurs to him that Kent is the captain. Maybe the team is waiting for him to say something? Before the fun starts? Even Jack used to try to say something. Now Ransom and Holster give full on speeches.

He decides to start with Swoops. But pitched a little bit so that the others can hear. Sometimes that’s how Ransom and Holster start.

“Man, this is gonna be fucking awesome,” he says (trying not to smile too much, Kent had said not to do that). “Playing the Sharks!”

Swoops looks at him. “Uh. Yeah?”

“We’re going to do so awesome!” Chowder says. “Aren’t you just… we’re pretty fucking lucky, huh?”

Swoops is still looking at him like he’s a little bit crazy.

“I mean, think about it,” Chowder tries. “We’re the be- the fucking best hockey team and we get to go play another fucking awesome hockey and get paid for it! And we’re gonna play really well. I can just tell.”

Two other Aces plays are twisting in their seat to look at him.

“I’m really proud of us,” Chowder says. “We’re having a great fucking season. This is gonna be amazing.”

This must not be how Kent gives his speeches. He is getting a lot of stares and not any nods.

“Parse, you sure you didn’t hit your head or something?” one of them finally says.

“Uh,” Chowder says. “No. No I’m just… excited?” He makes it a question. “Excited as shit?”

People don’t really say anything. Just turn back around and put their headphones in and turn back to their devices.

Huh.

“Well, that’s a bit different,” Swoops finally says. “From your usual.”

“My usual?” Chowder tries.

“You know,” Swoops shrugs. “Right before we go out, you say something like ‘Alright, boys, let’s fucking do this.’”

“Oh,” Chowder says. “Uh, well, figured I’d… mix it up.”

Swoops still looks confused but he smiles just a little. “Alright, bro. Whatever.”

Then he’s looking back at his phone too.

Chowder sighs.

He needs to get back to his team.

Kent needs to get back to his team. Immediately.

The earliest flights to San Jose weren’t till this evening and while he’d fed everyone the agreed upon lie (“My little sister is getting her wisdom teeth out and really wants me to be there”) and they had accepted it because he’d be back by Sunday, there was no real reason for him to miss practice.

Which Kent wasn’t worried about at first. Hockey was hockey. He might have even looked forward to smoking these guys a little bit just for fun.

Then he found out.

Chowder is the goalie.

This is… he is dying.

It’s not that the body can’t do it either-- the squat position isn’t as bad as he thought it would be, uncomfortable, yes, but not like… super painful probably because Chowder is used to it, and once he’d warmed-up (or he thought he did, he was really just trying to copy the movement he’s seen goalies do his whole life), Chowder was also pretty crazy flexible but… he.

Fuck, being a goalie is fucking miserable.

People keep fucking hitting pucks at him and they are coming right toward his face so he keeps flinching and there’s no way anyone could have saved that shot, it was going to fast, they are all going too fast and he--

“Dude, are you feeling okay?” The one called Nurse asks him. “You… you look sorta green.”

“And you’re playing like shit, to be honest,” Dex tells him.

“Fuck off,” Kent mumbles. And then remembers that Chowder’s instructions were to “just be nice and friendly and stop Dex and Nurses from killing each other and eat lots of pie and wait, holy shit, do not go anywhere near Caitlyn. Especially in the afternoon!! Or mid-morning!! OR ANYTIME. DO NOT BE ALONE WITH CAITLYN!!!!”

“I-uh- just not feeling great,” he says. “Uh, thanks for asking??” He tries to keep the question mark out of his voice but it might come out anyway.

Thankfully, a moment later Ransom and Holster sort of exchange glances and change the drill to stick handling instead of taking actual shots and Kent thinks he’s gotten out of it when suddenly Eric R. Bittle is skating up to him.

Fuck.

He doesn’t want to deal with this.

But Chowder’s instructions regarding Bitty had been clear: “We love Bitty! And Ransom and Holster and everyone but Bitty is ESPECIALLY awesome because he makes pies and is really nice and-- oh he has a boyfriend that, uh, well I know about him but you don’t and I don’t want to--” Kent had texted back “I know.” and Chowder had replied “oh good!! Isn’t that great??”

Yeah. Great. This was all great. It was great that Jack had moved on and didn’t care about him and probably never cared about him, he was just the convenient dude on the team willing to blow him and god he was so desperate for it and actually thought Jack liked him--loved him even, thought that they were going to do it all, have it all, be the secret boyfriends in the NHL and then fucking come out in some spectacular fashion after they were both rich and famous and fucking legends and--

Yeah. It’s great. It’s great that Jack’s boyfriend, who is even smaller and cuter and just plain better than him is skating over to talk to him. While he is stuck in Chris Chow’s body. A guy who fucking loves Bitty.

Christ, he wants a drink.

“Hey,” Bitty says, voice all quiet and understanding.

“Hi!” Kent tries. It comes out too cheerful for the mood. He… fuck, he doesn’t know how to do this. Chowder had said to be happy.

Bitty stares at him… “are you okay?”

People on this team need to stop fucking asking that question all the time. Though, he did just have a fucking horrible practice so… fair.

“Oh, yeah,” he tries. “Just… you know. Feeling a bit off.”

“Look, Chowder, I know last game was rough but it really wasn’t your fault.”

Kent nods. He had gathered over the course of the day that Samwell had lost last night.

“And today’s practice…” Kent braces himself to be yelled at. “Everyone has off days. It’s no big deal.”

Kent… does not remember the last time he heard those words.

“Uh, yeah,” he says. “Thanks.”

“You can’t be so hard on yourself. We’re a team. Win together and lose together.”

That is not how the Aces work. Not really. He doesn’t say anything but luckily Bitty seems willing to continue.

“I know you are flying out today but when you get back, I’ll make you your favorite pie,” Bitty says. Kent forces himself to smile.

He won’t be back though. Not for the pie or the next game.

Or any of it.

He tells himself that’s for the best.

Alright, I think this is getting to be around like 3 or 4k now so let’s skip forward a bit.

Chowder gets to San Jose. Luckily it is a night game so he has the morning pretty free. He just needs to make it through a brief strategy meeting and then he can meet up with Kent at 11.

Kent takes the red-eye and lands in San Jose in the morning. He… he realizes he is hunching his shoulders and wearing the only pair of sunglasses he could find and he is tense moving through crowds of people because the Sharks have made San Jose a hockey town and he is a famous hockey player except--

Except he’s not.

He… he straightens. No one is looking at him.

No one wants an autograph. No one is trying to take a picture. No one is yelling at him.

He is… He can do whatever he wants.

Well. not really. He can’t go shopping, so that’s out but he ends up walking through a park like some sort of total loser and staring off at a lake and he can just be outside and be peaceful and he would have thought he would get bored but he didn’t. When 11am rolled around and he headed off to meet Chowder, he is almost disappointed.

He goes to the restaurant and grabs a table for two in the way back and ten minutes later, he has the absolutely bizarre experience of watching himself walk in the door.

Chowder has a hat drawn low over his eyes and Kent’s biggest sunglasses on and he is hunched over and frankly dives into the door and then skips to the back and--

Kent didn’t know his face could smile that widely.

“HI!!!” Chowder says and this is weird. It’s somehow even weird to see him. “Oh my god!!”

“Holy fucking shit,” Kent says and sees himself as Chowder blink. It’s possible Chowder isn’t used to seeing Kent’s smirking smile on his own face either. For some reason the thought makes Kent’s smirk break into something easier. “How’s it going?”

“Dude,” Chowder grumbles, taking off the hat and the sunglasses. “I’m not gonna lie, people suck! Four people yelled at me to “go die!” on the way here!”

Kent laughs. “Well, the Sharks do hate the Aces, man,” he says. “I try not to go out too much while I’m here.”

“I mean, I’m a Sharks fan as much as the next guy,” Chowder says, plopping into the seat. “But I think telling someone to ‘go die’ is a bit much.”

Kent shrugs. It’s become pretty par for the course for him.

“Also, dude, I tried to make sure you looked good but I cannot- you have this weird cowlick at the top of your head and I cannot get it to stay down” Chowder is patting it as he says it and Kent can’t help but laugh again.

“Dude, don’t worry about it. It’s impossible. I usually just wear hats.”

“Gotcha,” Chowder crams the hat back on his head, backwards this time as if he has just remembered Kent wears it that way. Kent can’t stop staring. This is weird as fuck. “Well how did it go at Samwell?”

“Uh, good,” Kent replies. “Well, everything thinks you are real upset cause I tried to just… not talk. I mean, I tried to be nice! But it didn’t… Bitty is making you your favorite pie when you get back.”

“Oh swawesome!”

“Yeah, and uh-- well Caitlyn might be a little mad at you too,” Kent admits. “I… I had to sort of… run away from her?”

“You what?”

“She came up and wanted to hang out and we hadn’t talked yet but she was… you know, man, she was giving me the eyes!”

“She does do the eyes,” Chowder agrees.

“She also… she did kiss me on the cheek,” Kent says. “Well, you- she kissed you on the cheek before I could run away.”

“Did she grab your butt?”

“What? No!”

“She does that! She likes my butt.”

“Dude,” Kent says, relaxing more than he thought he would. “She wanted to hang out in the middle of the day on a Friday is that… are you really… that often?”

For the first time, Kent’s face looks familiar as Chowder smirks just a little. “The team thinks we go on all sorts of cutesy dates.”

Kent laughs.

“Last month, I told them we walked over to the petting zoo like four times and they bought it! Except for Dex. I think Dex is onto us.”

“Oh about Dex, he might be mad at you too. He kept wanting to work on some… project? I tried to take notes for you.”

“You did!! Ah, thank you!”

“No,” Kent says. “Really, do not thank me. It did not go well that is-- you have to do that shit every day and then play hockey?”

“Ugh, it sucks,” Chowder says. “You should see us during finals.”

“I thought college athletes just like… fucking paid some nerd to do that shit.”

“Nope,” Chowder says, sighing a little like he wishes it were true. “Not at Samwell. But it’s alright! I really like coding!”

Luckily Kent is saved from having to respond to that by the waitress coming over. They are at some sort of Asian fusion place that had good reviews and is nearby the stadium and he goes to order his usual when--

“Wait, wait,” Chowder (as Kent) says. “Dude, before we switch” (the waitress looks confused) “you gotta try real food. Get--” and then he is off, ordering, and then Kent has to tell him that with his game tonight, he should probably only eat certain things and Chowder looks crestfallen but when the waitress walks off and Kent asks if they should just get it over and hold hands now, Chowder insists that he wants Kent to be able to eat something good for once in his life and--

The whole lunch ends up being a lot less awkward than it should be. Considering they’ve been walking around in each other’s bodies and talking to each other’s friends (well, he’s been talking to Chowder’s) and they’ve both showered so like… there’s not that many secrets between the two anymore.

Still, instead of being awkward, Chowder tells him that he is pretty sure the cat somehow knows and did nothing but hiss at him all day and that warms Kent’s heart a little (and his face because my god, why does Chowder’s body blush so easily???) and then Chowder tells him about how he tried to order Chinese food and died and Kent tells him that being a goalie is fucking terrifying and all about the notes he did manage to take and--

“I’ve never been able to do a split before,” Kent says as he scoops another bite of food into his mouth. He never knew spices could be so delicious. “It’s pretty cool. And also this food is fucking awesome.”

“Swawesome!” Chowder says. “If you’re gonna be me, you gotta say ‘swawesome a lot.”

“That’s so fucking lame,” Kent says but then his own face is pouting at him and-- “Fuck. Fine. ‘Swawesome.”

Chowder nods at him regally.

This is when it occurs to Kent that, despite it all, he’s actually had a pretty good time in Chowder’s body. Sure, he had had to run away from Caitlyn and go to class and being a goalie is terrible, but he… this body is in good shape and can eat any food it wants and he got to go to the park and be outside and-- Well, his body he knows for a fact was probably hungover and sore because it’s mid hockey season and people had told Chowder to “go die” so--

“Dude, sorry,” Kent says. Chowder blinks at him. “I mean… about getting stuck being me. That probably sucked.”

“I do think you need to do a better job of stretching,” Chowder says. “And icing. And your shoulder… does it always feel like this?” He rotates it backwards and winces.

“Yeah,” Kent admits. “I mean, it gets better in the offseason but towards the end like this… one too many checks into the boards I guess. Doesn’t affect my play at all though so… y’know. It’s fine.”

Chowder looks doubtfully at him. Kent shrugs. That’s the other thing. It has been pretty nice to be in a body that is only sore instead of… damaged. He knows the difference.

“And… the hangover on Friday,” he says with a wry smile. “Sorry about that one too.”

Chowder nods, looking at his plate for a second, and then--

“You know,” he starts. Kent tense automatically. Feels trapped when Chowder looks up and meets his eyes. “You don’t need it.”

Kent blinks. “Need what?”

“Alcohol,” Chowder says. “Your body… you-- the whole time I was in here, I didn’t have any urge to… you know, drink or anything. Just in case you were worried.”

Kent… Kent was not worried he was actually an alcoholic--he… he wasn’t really he just.

“Oh,” he says, clearing his throat. “Well that’s… good.”

So it was still just a mental thing. Cool. Perfect. Great.

“And you didn’t drink while you were in mine,” Chowder says.

“What? No,” Kent says. He wasn’t going to do that to someone else’s body.

“So you probably don’t need it at all,” Chowder concludes, looking back at his plate as if this is simple and he has solved it. “Just a bad habit.”

“Yeah,” Kent says. “Yeah, I guess… just a bad habit.”

He has no idea why but that makes him feel better.

So by unspoken agreement they finish eating and then sort of linger but finally, “Well,” Kent says. “I guess we better switch back.”

“Hah-- unless you want me playing the Sharks tonight!”

“If you didn’t play goalie, I would totally let you,” Kent says. “Make that wish come true.”

“Nah, I’d rather play them… you know as me. One day.”

Kent nods and then reaches across the table but Chowder sort of frowns at him and stands up and before kent can ask, Chowder is waving for him to do the same and then--

Then Kent Parson is being hugged by… well by his own body technically and he knows he’s described as “small for a hockey player-- all sharp angles and lean muscle” so he’s assumed that he would not be that great a hugger but he feels nice enough now and Chowder’s body must have some sort of “hug instinct” because his arms come up and wrap around Chowder easily and it’s a really nice hug, if he’s being honest.

He relaxes and closes his eyes and when he opens them, he’s staring at Chowder’s face.

Which means he’s back in his own body.

“Oh my god, thank goodness!” Chowder says while Kent is stretching a little bit, getting used to his usual aches and pains. “I’m the right height again! You are so fucking short, dude!”

“I am literally like one inch shorter than you.”

“Still!”

And then, now, for the first time-- it’s a little awkward. They… the transaction is finished. There’s no longer a reason for them to keep talking.

“Well,” Chowder says. “I-uh-- I guess I better get going. You have a game and I’m gonna go surprise my parents.”

“Yeah,” Kent says. And then remembers and thank goodness he’s beaten the blushing out of this body (his real body) long ago. “Also, I uh-- I logged into my e-mail account from your phone and, well, I got you 4 tickets. Box seats. To the game tonight. If you wanted.”

Chowder’s eyes are widening. “You… you did???”

“Well, you know, this screwed up your weekend and uh-- as a thank you. For...being me?”

“THIS IS AMAZING!!” Chowder says and then Kent is being hugged again and he-- Chowder is like no one he has ever met.

“So I’ll-- I’ll see you tonight, I guess,” Kent says, twisting his hat around and putting on his sunglasses. “There’s passes included to meet the players, since I figured… you know… Sharks.”

Chowder looks like he may cry and body switching or not, Kent is not down for that so he smirks, and nods, and walks out the door.

THE END.

I mean… basically the end.

Really, you know this is the start of an epic friendship and Kent starts buying nicer clothes and sending them to Chowder but then also sends a Parson Ace’s jersey and Bitty glares at it for days and does not seem to buy Chowder’s excuse of “Met Parse when I went up to San Jose and he was actually a cool dude!” and Chowder and Kent keep on texting and Kent sends Chowder a picture of Kit curled up on him with the captain “See! She is nice-- she is just also a genius and knew you were an imposter” and THIS FRIENDSHIP MAKES NO SENSE to ANYONE but it is happening anyway and-

I HAVE GOT TO STop THERE. Any future kent/chowder friendship will have to be on a DIFFERENT POST.

Thank you for reading this mess.

I hope you enjoyed it.

(does a part of me ship chowder/parse now?? Maybe, my dudes, maybe so.)

(was this all a mistake?? Same answer, my dudes, maybe so.)

[classyfoxdestiny]

'Gutfeld!' on masks, Chicago's mayor

'Gutfeld!' on masks, Chicago's mayor

This is a rush transcript from “Gutfeld!,” July 27, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

REP. ADAM SCHIFF (D-CA): We’re so driven by bigotry and hate that we attack our fellow citizens as traitors. If they’re born in another country, or they don’t look like us. God help us.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Yes, God help us. It’s amazing a weasel can produce crocodile tears.

Yes. It’s time. It is time once again for.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Everything is racist.

GUTFELD: It’s true. First step, remember the Chicago mayor who looks like she hasn’t slept since 1972? I can’t blame her. In that city the constant gunfire will keep anyone up at night. Lori Lightfoot racist continues to defend your decision to only speak with non-white reporters. You know, because that’s what racists do.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

MAYOR LORI LIGHTFOOT (D), CHICAGO: I would absolutely do it again. And I’m unapologetic about it because it spurred a very important conversation. A conversation that needed to happen, that should have happened long time ago.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You know, she’s right. Her racist behavior spurred a very important conversation about how racist she is. I love that logic. Now watch me start a dialogue on arson with these oil soaked rags and a Bic lighter. Sure people died. But look how much we’ve learned about the importance of smoke alarms. But it makes perfect sense coming from a leftist because to them talk is more important than action.

And Lightfoot much prefers the race conversation over the crime one. She’s the Andrew Cuomo of Chicago, only her bodies aren’t piling up in nursing homes. They’re piling up in the streets, and they’re brown and they’re black. And they’re young. Imagine if she were white. People would start asking questions like is this deliberate, but dare criticize her over her record, you know what she’s going to say?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Mayor, in recent months, you know, there have been questions raised about your temperament and your reaction to criticism. Tribune editorial, use the term irascible. How much of this do you think might have to do with the fact that you’re a woman’s and specifically a black woman?

LIGHTFOOT: About 99 percent of it. Women and people of color are always held to a different standard. I understand that. I’ve known that my whole life.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Why isn’t it 100 percent? Her answers are as predictable as Kat’s hangovers. But according to Lightfoot pointing out her record is racist. Then again to her pointing out that she has food on her face is racist. Takes a special person presiding over mass murder to think that they’re the victim. She expects you to bleed to death on the pavement. Grateful your mayor is not some old white guy. But you know what else is racist? Comedy.

According to racist author of white fragility, Robin D’Angelo.

ROBIN D’ANGELO, AUTHOR, WHITE FRAGILITY: So comedy is — I think it’s an excuse to get to be racist, right? Like irony and I think T.V. shows like Family Guy and South Park and maybe a little bit The Simpsons, right? Allowed white people to be racist self-consciously, right? Like, I know I’m being racist, and therefore, it doesn’t count and it’s OK.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Who better to tell us what’s funny than someone who has stage four cancer of the funny bone? This grifter wouldn’t know funny if you gave her the F-U-N-N on Wheel of Fortune. So funny white people are racist, cool, and writing a book generalizing about white people isn’t. And what’s more fragile than someone who can’t take a joke. Think about it. The loudest voices shouting about racial inequality are often a weak need virtue signaling Caucasians.

Yet what have they done to correct the injustice and the inequality? Besides putting a BLM sign in their front yard and a rainbow coexist bumper sticker on their Tesla? Isn’t the time they resign their jobs to make room and correct this injustice every lily white leftist in a comfy editorial position at a magazine or a T.V. show or college. It’s time to move on and fix your privilege.

Anna Wintour Say hello to Vanessa Bush. Jimmy Kimmel say hello to Chris Tucker. Paul Krugman say hello to Coleman Hughes and Chris Cuomo say hello to Candace Owens. I wonder what the angry black male has to say.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TYRUS, FOX NATION HOST: On behalf of me today I’m ready today. Hi. All right kids. Let me break this down for you. I got a yellow apple. Hi. I got a green apple. Hi. What? You don’t talk to yellow apples because of yellow? All right (INAUDIBLE) being a racist. You should have known better, right? I want to talk to you unless you’re yellow. You don’t. You should have known better. Racist ass apple. Still good though. That’s up.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Nicely done. So if you’re white and find race, find everything, it’s time to put your money where your motor mouth is. Get out. If you’re, you know, you’re big on a $15.00 minimum wage, so give it a try. How great would it be to have Brian Stelter say to you, you know, you want to supersize that? Just check your fries before you leave. But if you don’t quit, then clearly you’re the racist, thinking you deserve that job over a person of color.

So until all white leftists resign their jobs, we must all hold them accountable. If they’re step up or shut up. Let’s start by demanding that every white person at CNN resigned immediately. But then again with their ratings. Who’s going to notice?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. There’s no copay to see her tonight. Fox News Medical Doctor, Janette Nesheiwat. Nesheiwat. He’s got to face for comedy and the looks of a Starbucks barista. WesternRazor.com spokesman David Angelo. Yes. Once you get to know her, she’s even worse. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf. And if he says he’s so hungry, he could eat a horse. Hide your horse. My massive sidekick and host of “NUFF SAID” on Fox Nation, Tyrus.

Since the topic is comedy, David, I want to go to you first. As a racist comedian, do you think comedians are all racist?

DAVID ANGELO, WESTERN RAZOR.COM SPOKESMAN: No. I know. I do think it is funny though, that the de facto expert on racism in America right now is this white woman.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ANGELO: It’s like, guys, we need to elevate the voices of, you know, people of color and all this stuff. And then she just comes in like, hey, I got — I’ll handle these questions. Let me take the — lead on this, all right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

ANGELO: I would love to know how many black people live within five miles of Robin de Angelo’s house. Can we get a survey on that?

GUTFELD: Yes. I actually — I actually have the facts here, David. I’m glad you asked.

ANGELO: There’s no way.

GUTFELD: Yes. It’s true. She’s like the — what you call the white racist whisper. Right? She’s like, I know what they’re thinking. That’s what — that’s how she got famed.

ANGELO: Yes. I mean, a lot of them. They do it today. I think they have latent racist feelings. And they do this is like overcompensation or something. But yes. Here’s the thing. As annoying as she is, I still don’t want — I still do always try to like better myself. So if there’s like things like, you know, I do really — sincerely I’m like, is there things I can do, but she’s so obnoxious and they go so over the top. I think it actually hurts a lot of the reflection normal people would have because it’s so much of it.

GUTFELD: There might be — yes, there might be some — there might be something there that we — everybody could do better. But when you become – – when the person becomes a parody, it’s like you can’t — if she’s funnier than Family Guy. Her book is better than the Simpsons. I mean, it — she is absolutely hysterical. All right. Doctor, good to see you. I butchered your — I butchered —

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Nesheiwat.

GUTFELD: Yes. It was supposed to be Geswhat, Nesheiwat.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: And then I just lost the T.

JANETTE NESHEIWAT, FOX NEWS MEDICAL DOCTOR: That’s OK. It’s a good one. My sister — my mom, she’s like, just tell them it’s Jeanette Guess what Nesheiwat and I’ve had that all my life and it’s always worked. So —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Have you thought about changing your name or something like Smith?

NESHEIWAT: Well, maybe shorten it a little bit if it’s easier for you.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. You know, we had a chat in the greenroom. I have a little bit of heartburn and you said I should get an EKG.

NESHEIWAT: Yes, that’s right.

GUTFELD: That’s a lot for heartburn.

NESHEIWAT: Well, it’s how do we know it’s heartburn? Little chest pain, a little pressure, a little nausea. Just want to be safe. We got to protect you, Greg. We want people healthy.

GUTFELD: What if I —

(CROSSTALK)

NESHEIWAT: Now we could use one of — one of David’s razors to shave all the hair on the chest.

ANGELO: Thank you. Thank you for the plug.

NESHEIWAT: For the EKG.

GUTFELD: What if I thought that somebody close to me at work might be putting ground up glass in my oatmeal?

NESHEIWAT: No, who could that be? Who would do that to you? Tyrus.

GUTFELD: So you — the United States was a patient, right? And you see this constant obsession with race and everything. What would be your prognosis as a doctor? Are you worried?

NESHEIWAT: Well, I think first of all, there is no room for racism, no matter what. We can’t fight racism with racism. But when it comes to comedy, I mean, that’s it. That’s what makes it a little bit edgy. And, you know, American needs to lighten up a little bit. That’s what makes us laugh. And of course, laughter is the best medicine.

GUTFELD: Oh. I’ve never heard that before. I’ve never heard that before. You stay out of this.

TIMPF: Well, OK. Like if you want me to I can go back home. I was gone for a while. And you were — you did miss me. Well I wouldn’t be back.

GUTFELD: Well, yes, that missing wore off. Let’s be honest.

TIMPF: Oh, OK. Yes.

GUTFELD: Oh, it took us two days. You know, Tyrus, I never saw a man crushing Apple with his hands.

TYRUS: You haven’t?

GUTFELD: No.

TYRUS: Well, now you have. You know, what we’re seeing is whenever these racist notice — they notice racism they talk really loud, but they say absolutely nothing. When Lightfoot was asked a question like, why did you do that? And I’m unapologetic, because it started a conversation about a conversation that needed to happen. Please follow up question again. I think on a journalist school, what’s the conversation?

Well, the conversation is a conversation about potential conversations. So we’re talking about — you can’t ask me that. Racist? Being racist is meaningless now. Racist is a new term for somebody you don’t like.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: It has nothing to do with skin color. It’s just — I — what? You disagree with me, racist. And even it’s like, why not white racist crime now? It’s like, everybody’s a racist. So if everyone is a racist, nobody’s really racist.

GUTFELD: Right.

TYRUS: So, you know —

GUTFELD: That’s good for David.

ANGELO: Yes. Thank god.

TYRUS: But the only thing was, you can’t — and you can’t be a little bit racist.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Family Guy, racist. Since then they’re a little bit racist, you’re either all in or you all out? You don’t wear half a Klan mask. You know what I’m saying? Like, you know, it’s just ridiculous to the fact that we – – they play on this because the reason why they can’t talk about it is because they have no experience with it. And that’s the beautiful thing is when people have to make (BLEEP) up about what’s racist, because they haven’t experienced it, or seen it.

So of course, you got to make it up. Because if you can talk about — you can talk about racist moments. But racist, just like anything else is the individual sport. It is not the country anymore.

GUTFELD: That’s a very good point. Kat, he raises this fine young man over here, raises images (INAUDIBLE) the point that everybody says they’re unapologetic. That — as if that’s a good thing, but maybe you should apologize.

TIMPF: Yes, sometimes, right. And it’s just — the idea of not being afraid to question things. I mean, thinking about the idea when it comes to comedy that intention doesn’t matter. And she’s saying, OK, like, you know, punching up, don’t punch downs. Like how about a more important question is, is this supposed to be a punch? Are you trying to make people laugh? I think that is a very important distinction.

Because intention matters in everything else in life. It matters when a person kills another person. Are you saying that the one thing that’s so serious that intention can’t matter is jokes? I don’t buy it.

GUTFELD: This is — this is probably one of the most important points you’ve ever made.

TIMPF: Oh, thank you.

GUTFELD: No. Because people now, these antiracist activists say intention doesn’t matter when preference things. It’s like — it’s like, when you — when you — were when you’re teaching, let’s say is it Huck Finn, and it’s got the racial slur in it. And if you — if you’re the teacher and you bring it up, you will lose your job because intention doesn’t matter. Right?

TIMPF: Right. So like if Tyrus, if, you know, instead of the glass in the coffee seems premeditated, but if he drives your car accidentally hits you, then starts manslaughter.

TYRUS: Really? Interesting.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: There you go. Yeah. All right.

TIMPF: Whoever though.

GUTFELD: Up next, violent criminals attack. But liberal laws make it hard to fight back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Only in New York. Start spreading the news. We’re all going to die.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh my god.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Seniors beaten without pity. Welcome to New York City. So here’s video of what might now be called typical morning in Brooklyn. It’s 9:00 a.m. The sun is shining and a mugger brutally beats the (BLEEP) of a 68- year-old man then he robs him. After all, he didn’t want to be rude. We’ll have to wait till he’s identified to know how many times he’s been recently led out of jail. And here’s another robbery in broad daylight.

Also in Brooklyn. Proving criminals are emboldened enough to have a normal sleep schedule. The only reason that dude didn’t get away with anything is because his pants kept falling down. Usually if there’s a pantsless criminal in Brooklyn, it’s Anthony Weiner. Lawlessness like this is happening all over. And a big reason is that court systems are a mess, especially in Democrat-run cities. Listen to this insane stat about murders in Chicago from the city’s top cop.

DAVID BROWN, CHICAGO POLICE SUPERINTENDENT: What we can do different is challenge the courts to render Chicago safe by holding violent offenders in jail longer, not releasing murderers back into our community. That’s what we can do different. Over 90 people charged with murder or have been released, that should be a headline in the city.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Ninety murderers charged and released. Pretty soon they’ll start paying them. Look, you don’t have to be Columbo to realize releasing murderers will lead to an increase in murders. Even if they’re given a stern talking to win dinner without dessert. And what does the court expect them to do when they get out? Paint landscapes. And no one’s safe from the crime wave. Former California Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer who’s 80 years old got mugged in Oakland this week. Here she’s describing the attack.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BARBARA BOXER, FORMER CALIFORNIA DEMOCRATIC SENATOR: I tried to cross the street and get away. And he slammed me on the back and reached across me, he was behind me and grabbed my cell phone out of my hand. And I just said, how can you do this to a grandmother? I want to call my grandkids? Why are you doing this? He could care less and got in the car and they sped away.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Maybe this case will get solved because the victims of former senator and not some poor Asian grandmother. So bottom line, the crime wave rolls on and until elected leaders step up to address it. Violent videos just like the one you saw will be commonplace. Though it’s only a matter of time before someone packages them and sells it. Imagine that commercial.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Now for the first time ever on one DVD, the Democratic Party in conjunction with CNN and virtue signaling demagogues present crime going wild. It’s a classic collection of all the horrible attacks that John Lemon and Chris Cuomo pretend never happened.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I knew crime was bad, but statistics hurt my head. I just wish there was a better way for me to understand this epidemic.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well, now you can with broad day like beatdowns. Assaults with pots and pans, hot liquids and brazen attacks on elderly women.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It’s like the end of the world. I’m pretty sure to find the police is a bad idea.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, see what happens when national and local leaders abdicate their moral responsibility to keep citizens safe and secure. To see what happens when police are demonized as repeat criminals are released onto the streets. No cash bail reform. George Soros approved D.A.s. Do you think it can’t get any worse that you just start thinking enough.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Thanks to this DVD. I no longer have to go outside to express violence on a personal level. Thanks, Crime Gone Wild.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So get crime going wild today.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Doctor, you just have to laugh. They say laughter is the best medicine.

NESHEIWAT: That’s right.

GUTFELD: But, you know, it’s — imagine the nation were a patient, what would be your prognosis?

NESHEIWAT: So, this what we’re seeing, this is either pure mental illness or evilness, or maybe even just a combination of both. I mean, we do know that one in five Americans suffer from mental illness and it goes undiagnosed and unaddressed. But this is out of control.

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: It’s me.

GUTFELD: I know. know it’s kind of mute. She said that I counted there are five people here.

TIMPF: Have I hidden that? I don’t think so.

NESHEIWAT: But I mean, it’s just so out of control. I mean, I think Lori Lightfoot and Mayor de Blasio instead of worrying about who should get that interview, maybe focus on this massive crime spree that we’re seeing. These criminals that have no remorse and no regard for humanity and just putting these poor innocent grandma or grandma and grandpa’s in the hospital.

GUTFELD: Yes. But they can’t focus on that, David, because it’s their fault. So it’s like if you — if you talk — it’s like that’s why they pretend that they’re just hoping to get through the summer. Like, you know, that — so the winner will come and everybody goes back inside and crime goes down and go see there was no crime spree.

ANGELO: Not out here. Look, I think you’re looking at the crime thing wrong.

GUTFELD: OK.

ANGELO: I love the crime.

GUTFELD: Yes, you loved the crime. OK.

TIMPF: There’s the take.

ANGELO: It’s bringing down the property values, you know. Yes. I’d rather get mugged twice a month for 50 bucks a pop and that saves me five grand a year in rent. I did the math, yes.

GUTFELD: You know, there are people that actually probably think that way that aren’t living in New York that have properties or looking to buy properties. Now there’s never been a better time to buy in New York City.

ANGELO: Yes, I’m hoping to get stabbed so I can afford in unit washer dryer.

GUTFELD: That is the funniest thing. I think I’ve heard in a long time. Tyrus, we do this story all the time. I don’t even know what to say.

TYRUS: What story is that, Greg?

GUTFELD: This non-stop crime. And that the fact is, no matter what we say our politicians don’t give a damn.

TYRUS: Well, you know, Greg, I’m speaking on behalf of the politicians that this is affecting they are unapologetic that they did this and it’s opening a great conversation that we can talk about gun control and global warming. The bad — good news is that winter is not coming anytime soon because the — were extreme climate, so it’s going to be summer to at least. I don’t know next through, next February.

So, you know, crime is going to be be going strong, which then leads to the conversation about existential respect and so forth. So thank you so much for this opportunity to have this conversation. Because it was much needed.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Did I mention I was unapologetic?

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. I’m just so glad you started the conversation.

TYRUS: Yes, and don’t you dare question because that makes you, Kat? He’s a what? If he questions me?

TIMPF: I was thinking how much I love summer. Excuse me.

TYRUS: Damn it, Kat. He’s a racist.

GUTFELD: I’m a racist for God’s sake.

TIMPF: It makes me feel alive when the sun is shining.

GUTFELD: Yes. But by the — I mean you walk to work, how much — how much crime?

TIMPF: I see so much crime.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And it’s just, you know, it just drives me crazy. I don’t know how we got to the point of, yes, let’s release the violent felons.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Because I’ve been a huge advocate for criminal justice reform forever. I am somebody who doesn’t and hasn’t agreed with many conservatives on crime because I, you know, I don’t think that nonviolent drug crimes are crimes for example. And then I see OK, we got it. We will release violent felons. No, no, no, those are the people who need to be in jail. I don’t know how we got there or why because it’s so obvious and it’s — there’s a difference between being progressive on an issue and being so stupid.

GUTFELD: Yes. It’s hard to tell.

TIMPF: I mean, they try to zit up on purpose. I really — like it’s crazy. That’s how ridiculous it is.

GUTFELD: I think they’re trying to destroy the country, Kat. That’s why I joined the militia.

TIMPF: OK.

ANGELO: You (INAUDIBLE)

GUTFELD: But David? We joined a militia.

ANGELO: You guys are too hard on the criminals. They’re nice. In my neighborhood, the muggers know everyone by name. Hey Doug, give me your wallet. You know, that’s friendly.

GUTFELD: It’s friendly.

TIMPF: Yes, I could see you as a slumlord. Yeah.

ANGELO: That’s the dream.

GUTFELD: Up next, should the unboxed be trapped at home or free to row?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: “PLEASE GOD MAKE THIS END.”

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Follow the science becomes forced compliance. Don, I hope they recognize me at dinner, Lemon. And Chris, I don’t wear oil when I work out. Cuomo, went all in on getting the COVID vaccine. For Don, if you’re not vaccinated, you might as well lock yourself in the house and never leave.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DON LEMON, CNN HOST: Don’t get the vaccine? You can’t go to the supermarket. Don’t have the vaccine? You can’t go to the ballgame. Don’t have the vaccine? Can’t go to work. You don’t have the vaccine? Can’t come here. No shirt. No shoes. No service.

All these people are saying I don’t want to put this stuff in my body. They’re out drinking on the weekend and putting other substances in their bodies. It’s way worse for them than a vaccine. So come on, let’s be real.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Wow, what a jab at Kat. At least he could have just said your name. But it sounds like he’s trying to increase his viewership through captive audiences. By the way, if you don’t want to adjust anything toxic, doctors recommend turning off CNN.

Anyway, their hyperbole didn’t end there. Earlier Cuomo bloviating about freedom to a Florida GOP congressmen who saying no to the vaccine.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CHRIS CUOMO, CNN HOST: I’m not doing it because I made that decision.

(CROSSTALK)

CUOMO: That doesn’t make you just a free person. All right, freedom isn’t just defined as the bold and ability to be strong and wrong. It���s about doing the right thing. If your answer is just then, well, I don’t care what they say, this is me; I’m an American. That is being dumb as a proxy for being bold.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Speaking of dumb, this is a great time to remind people Chris Cuomo broke his own quarantine before a vaccine existed. But if you’re not dumb, you might as well be drunk. Just ask California Governor Gavin Newsom.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GOV. GAVIN NEWSOM (D-CA): Just like drunk drivers, you don’t have the right to go out and drink and drive and put everybody else at risk, including your own life at risk.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: So, now, they’re comparing the unvaccinated with drunk drivers. That’s a false comparison. You can’t get a vaccine that protects against drunk drivers. See how similes work, Gavin? Here’s another simile: taking vaccine advice from a man who had public unmask meetings while arresting people for surfing is like being a jackass.

All right, Doctor. I — you know, it necessarily the right way to get people to get vaccinated by belittling them, mocking them, calling them names taking pleasure in moral superiority?

DR. JEANETTE NESHEIWAT, FOX NEWS MEDICAL CONTRIBUTOR: It’s like that’s the complete opposite. Who is he, the God of COVID? What do you want people to stay home?

GUTFELD: That’s me, by the way —

NESHEIWAT: And starve to death, socially isolate, become anxious became, become depressed? I mean, that’s discriminatory, in my opinion. What about the people that can’t get vaccinated that are allergic to the ingredients? Or maybe they just had COVID? They don’t need to be vaccinated. So, we need to look at all options, not just categorize everyone, you know, into the same bowl.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: They’re belittling them incorrectly.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: If they really cared about vaccines? They would do vaccine out — whenever they talk with a vaccine, it’s just, oh, well, it’s all you know, these, you know, Republican rednecks. They won’t get vaccinated.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: A third of hospital workers in New York City are not vaccinated.

GUTFELD: True.

TIMPF: Is that is that MAGA country in New York City hospitals? Not exactly. It doesn’t — there’s no political, it’s not a political thing and they just won’t acknowledge that. And also, I did get vaccinated. I am not wearing a mask anymore. I’m not wearing a mask. There is a very, very rare chance you can get COVID with the vaccine.

There’s also like maybe a couple of people could save your life but you know what else could wearing a helmet everywhere you go. You wear a helmet everywhere you go could probably save a few lives too from head stuff that happens in the wild. And you know what, I’m not doing that. You can use the exact same arguments. I’m not doing that. I’m not wearing a mask anymore. No!

NESHEIWAT: And if you’re vaccinated, you shouldn’t have to.

TIMPF: I’m vaccinated.

NESHEIWAT: You shouldn’t have to. Yes.

TIMPF: I hate it. I don’t want the fabric covering my beautiful face.

GUTFELD: That’s what it’s really about. What did you want? I saw you waving over there in the corner, strange man.

DAVID ANGELO, WESTERNRAZER.COM SPOKESPERSON: No, no, I’m just, I agree with you. I think it’s a good point. I got the vaccine and you know I’ve had people say though they’re worried about it, but I’ve had no — there’s another tooth. No side effects.

GUTFELD: That is, that, that was just a prop tooth.

ANGELO: That was a prop tooth.

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Why should you ruin the magic show, like know —

GUTFELD: You make a great point a couple of nights ago, Tyrus, where you said that kids and I, anybody with kids, they have to the kids come into school have to provide a little card that shows that they’ve been vaccinated or —

TYRUS: When your kids in school, you have to have your vaccination records up to date, you know.

TIMPF: Yes.

TYRUS: And the same thing, when you bring your dog to the vet, they’re like, are the shots up to date? So, having a little card saying that you have your vaccine, I don’t have to see a big issue with that. But I don’t when it comes to personal choice, or whatever, here’s the deal. And although, I’m not a doctor or scientist, I am Tyrus, so — I can just wing it. COVID is not going anywhere. It’s going to always kind of be here, just like the flu. And you know, things that come seasonal, and it’s, it’s always going to be a little shark in the water when it comes to that.

And we’re going to have casualties, just like people die from the flu, and etc. And you can take care of yourself. And if somebody doesn’t want to get vaccinated, we have to respect that. We might not like it, and hopefully they’re honest, like, hey, guys, I want to get in the elevator. I’m not vaccinated. OK, great. And then they are they were the master, whatever. Politicizing it, because this is the — the left has made some mistakes. They defund the police thing, went horribly wrong.

GUTFELD: Right.

TYRUS: Now, they’re defending them. So all they have left now is the scare of the vaccine. Because when that goes in the midterms, they got to have some kind of crisis where you got to stick with a plan because if you don’t, the evil Republicans are going to take away your vaccine. They have that’s all they have left. Because they’ve mismanaged the American people. They miss guess, they misspoke. They’re unapologetically dumb that they didn’t think about telling, talking to the American people the right way.

GUTFELD: Yes. And now, they’ve got to, they’ve got a new class system to pit people against vaxxed versus unvaxxed, which is great for conflict theater on CNN, right? They can — they now have millions of people that can make fun of again.

ANGELO: And you know, the biggest source of vaccine hesitancy is the media says it’s OK.

GUTFELD: Yes. It’s true.

ANGELO: What are the odds that this is the first thing CNN is right about?

GUTFELD: Yes.

ANGELO: You know what I mean?

GUTFELD: That’s a good point. I don’t trust them.

ANGELO: And I just want to say to the viewers at home, the vaccine is safe. Yes.

NESHEIWAT: It is safe. Don’t listen to him. If you are vaccinated, it’ll keep you out of the hospital and off of ventilator.

TIMPF: And when Don Lemon said, you think you probably put worst and stuff in your body than the vaccine, I said that on the show and explaining why I was going to get vaccinated. It’s true.

GUTFELD: Oh my god, I put things in my body I wouldn’t put in anybody else.

TYRUS: That’s an entirely different show. And that’s the 2:00 am hour.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Exactly. Talk to any E.R. Any, any E.R. doctor, he’s got stories. They have some —

TYRUS: They all know your safe word.

GUTFELD: Up next, an Olympic star withdraws. Well, a photo gives China pause.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: A Polaroid has China paranoid and these games are so demanding that you didn’t stick around for the landing. And those are the list of reasons that this could be —

ANNOUNCER: “THE WORST OLYMPICS EVER.”

GUTFELD: The Chinese Foreign Ministry claims Western media photos of Chinese athletes are unflattering when compared to their counterparts. They cited a picture similar to this one of weightlifter, Haozing Hu, thank you, that they thought made her look unattractive. They haven’t been this mad about a photo since Tiananmen Square. Of course, people aren’t at their most attractive when they’re lifting heavy weights. It’s why I ban the media from my morning squat.

Meanwhile, Simone Biles says she wasn’t mentally right for the gymnastics final and withdrew from the competition, leaving America’s team to compete with athletes most people haven’t heard of her. She’s explaining why, why she bailed.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SIMONE BILES, TEAM USA GYMNASTICS: I just felt like it would be a little bit better to take a back seat, work on my mindfulness. And I knew that the girls would do an absolutely great job and I didn’t want to risk the team a medal for kind of my screw ups because they’ve worked way too hard for that.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Hey, even without fans, there’s still a ton of pressure competing at the highest levels. It’s why I chose not to compete this year. The Americans ended up taking silver anyway, which William Devayne points out is its own reward.

What do you have in your safe? I am William Debayne and I’m so (BLEEP) rich.

See the city behind me? I own that whole city. I’m William Debayne. Where is William, by the way? All right, Tyrus, I don’t know where my brain is going. But as an athlete, how do you, you’re sympathetic to Simone, there’s a strategy behind this. I think she tried to help her team is that basically it?

TYRUS: Well, I first of all, I commend her because just the fact that she’s still competing and this is the one sport where you don’t see people two three Olympics.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: And still compete at a high level. It’s usually the, the, the wear and tear, and the amount of her joints that go through. She did the vault, she didn’t land right. And it’s time, and there’s one thing that you have to respect with athletes is when they know when it’s time.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: And some can’t let go. And that says a lot about her that she knew. And if the timing is horrible, but it always is. There’s that night in boxing where your favorite boxer gets old.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: You know, and, and you’re like, please don’t fight anymore. You know, Evander Holyfield is my favorite boxer, and please don’t fight anymore. You know, in the same thing, but her having the courage and not be unselfish and her saying I couldn’t do this vault anymore. I know it’s over and I respect that and we all need to respect the fact that it takes courage to do the thing that you love and dedicated your life to. It’s not going to be anymore. I can remember, I know the, the playing football where I know it’s a wrap. I can’t do it anymore. I want to. The hearts willing but the body says no. And, you know.

TIMPF: However, is that you saying I’m too old to be an Olympic gymnast?

GUTFELD: Kat, you constantly put post-selfies? How important is women’s appearance at work?

TIMPF: Um, here’s the thing. I think that I come to work looking really, really ugly. But then I get my hair and makeup done so I’m not sure if it applies to me. I come in looking bedraggled and wearing some strange clothes.

GUTFELD: But you can, you feel bad about the power lifter not looking her best?

TIMPF: Here’s the thing. I feel like the Communist Party of China, even if that were true, they’ve done worse things to us. Feel like they have done worse things to us.

GUTFELD: Let’s see what the Uighurs —

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: And just get, get an Instagram filter if you got a problem, China.

TIMPF: Yes, I feel like they’ve done some worse things.

GUTFELD: Yes. You know, David, you’re our Olympic experts. You’ve been covering the Olympics for at least 12 minutes.

ANGELO: That’s right. Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes, going back at least an hour.

ANGELO: I competed. You know, I was, I was on the backgammon team for the Cayman Islands back in 96.

TYRUS: Damn shame. What happened to you guys?

ANGELO: Yes, no, Simone, she’s, she’s out. And you know, they must be serious, because you can’t — the whole thing is for the Olympics.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes, that’s true. When you get there and then you’re like, I can’t do it. Yes. The whole point is that the things so you’d go in and and, you know, I feel for but you know, in my case, like I woke up this morning, I knew, I felt awful, I knew I wouldn’t be funny, but I said, you know, just go to GUTFELD show. It doesn’t — just go through the motions. It won’t matter. And here I am.

GUTFELD: Yes. And you’re bombing.

ANGELO: I know.

GUTFELD: You know what, it reminds me, it does remind me of the Curb Your Enthusiasm special when Larry David prepares for this big onstage thing and then doesn’t he walk out and then just turn around? Is that like, there’s a thing where he just kind of walks up and he goes —

TYRUS: Nah, I’m good.

GUTFELD: I’m good. I’m good. I’m good and just leaves. That’s what she like, if you may, maybe you just know that it’s the time.

NESHEIWAT: Yes. And that’s what I love about these Olympic champions: Biles, also Naomi Osaka for the tennis champion. They are putting their mental health first not just about the Olympics and winning medals and putting others first taking that into consideration. I think that’s so important. And as far as that picture from China, I mean, come on, this is not a beauty pageant.

They’re supposed to be showcasing their talent and their strength and their skills, not what you look like. I mean, she does, or he does, she does look a little constipated but — at the end of the day, it’s what you bring home.

GUTFELD: Is that diagnosis. Do you diagnose constipation by looking at people?

NESHEIWAT: You can. If they’re bloated and distended.

TYRUS: Greg, I just like to say this thing is a cute face and a clean and jerk. There’s just no way. I’ve never been like —

GUTFELD: Coming up, the “Exorcist” returns. But will fans be stressed if Linda Blair’s not possessed?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Well, Linda Blair be missed in the new “Exorcist”. A $400 million sequel trilogy to the “Exorcist” is in the works. And Linda Blair who portrayed the demon possessed Reagan in the original says she hasn’t been asked to be involved. That’s outrageous. And that decision has head spinning. You writers! This is much to the dismay of the film’s fans who insist the power of Christ should compel them to give Blair a cameo.

Still, Blair says she doesn’t expect anything will change but a maybe the producers are worried Blair will be too expensive, especially when they could just go to Kats place and film her waking up from a tequila Tuesday. Kat, you like me grew up Catholic? This movie terrified me.

TIMPF: Yes. Yes, I was raised not just Catholic but Catholic. Like holy water everywhere. My mom put St. Benedict models of Rolla doors keep the devil away. She put blessed salt in my suitcase once. I was like, Mom, if somebody like — I didn’t know about. I was like people who think I’m trying to fly with cocaine. They’re not going to leave. My mom didn’t want me out in Los Angeles at the blessing salt.

So, yes, it terrifies me. And I’m agnostic. And so, I also feel like the fact that this terrifies me, is that like an acknowledgment that maybe I do think God is real if I think maybe demons are real. I don’t know. Makes you think.

GUTFELD: No, but you know, Tom, I wish, I always say this and people think I’m weird. This is one of my favorites of all time.

TIMPF: (INAUDIBLE).

GUTFELD: I did that again. David — it’s working. I’ve been calling people by the wrong names. You know what, it’s the heartburn.

I wish this movie was real because I would love — imagine if to be demonic possession was like an added variable in our lives. Like, it was like, oh, did you hear what happened to Steve? Yes, possessed by the devil. We would have so many fewer problems. If that was a, if that was like it’s like having a Land Shark could happen at any time.

ANGELO: Yes, I also grew up Catholic but I did it. I was real Catholic, which mean we never went to church. You are, you are some weird strain.

TIMPF: Polish. Polish.

ANGELO: Yes, you knew about the Bible and stuff. That’s not how the real Catholics do.

GUTFELD: I was an altar boy.

TIMPF: I was an altar boy too when they let people who weren’t boys to it.

ANGELO: But you know —

GUTFELD: That’s not real.

ANGELO: In the, in the reboot, the family, they are atheists. So, they just, they just roll they send her off to college.

TIMPF: So, they saw her be possessed and they’re atheists? Maybe there is no hope.

ANGELO: They’re just like bye Megan have fun —

GUTFELD: You know what, that could be Antifa. It’s just a bunch of people who are possessed that the parents didn’t decide to de-possess.

ANGELO: That’s what it is.

GUTFELD: That’s brilliant.

ANGELO: They roll with it.

GUTFELD: Doctor, what do you make of demonic possessions, real or not real?

NESHEIWAT: Horror movies horrify me. They are bad for your health. They should be banned. They should be illegal. Well, you can you can have a stroke or a heart attack in the movie theater. I can’t, I can’t do it. I say no. Pass.

GUTFELD: Wow.

ANGELO: You know that?

NESHEIWAT: No, thank you. I have vivid nightmares since I was a kid from this movie. I cannot watch another horror movie. What is it Freddy Krueger and, and the scissors.

GUTFELD: Edward Scissor Hands.

NESHEIWAT: Yes.

GUTFELD: Kidding.

TIMPF: Being afraid makes you feel alive.

GUTFELD: Thank you. Thank you, woman. You just crawled out of the well? Were you an extra in the room?

TYRUS: I’m just going to get Tyrus, I’m saying keep it real for this trip. This is a waste of $400 million. You’re never going to recreate the greatness that was the original x — it works now it scares now I watched it with my kids. It was phenomenal.

GUTFELD: Still amazing.

TYRUS: My daughter had this awesome moment where she wrote helped me on her stomach. Daddy, help me. And I was like this is awesome. We don’t want demon possessions to be real. Nobody will be in jail. No one will ever be – – why are you doing that, Tyrus? Possess. Let him go, damn it.

GUTFELD: That’s — Sam, did that right?

TYRUS: Yes.

NESHEIWAT: Can we just stick to Spider Man and Superman?

GUTFELD: Oh, those are boring.

TIMPF: Yes, it’s the same movie every time.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. You got to go “Exorcist” all the way. All right, don’t go away. We’ll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We are out of time. Set your DVRs every night so you never miss an episode. Thanks to Dr. Jeanette Nesheiwat, David Angelo and his razors, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, our studio audience. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil Shannon Bream is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld. I love you America.

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Five Things

tagged by @endreal

5 things you'll find in my bag: 1. Notebook - a monogrammed notebook that I got as a gift. I want to write when I'm not at the computer, and I need to get in the habit! 2. Wallet - I like the one I have, but it's getting to be time to get a new one. 3. Tums - a holdover from when I got heartburn on the regular; still comes in handy now and again. 4. Spare glasses - you only need something to happen once before you learn. 5. Work ID badge - also gets me discounts at some of my favorite restaurants!

5 things you'll find in my bedroom: 1. Pink go-go boots - a remnant of a Mettaton cosplay. 2. A rock - a souvenir from a family trip my wife took to the beach when we couldn't afford to buy things. 3. A Bowser amiibo - This should be in the living room, but I used it once with a 3DS game while in bed and it never left. 4. Another pair of spare glasses - look, I've had some bad experiences, okay? 5. Goomba the roomba- Goomba is slowly dying, so we pooled our Christmas money and bought a new one (who we named Paragoomba). Goomba is on retirement under the bed and makes its rounds of the bedroom once a week.

5 things that make me happy: 1. My wife - just, in general. 2. Drawing  and writing- the actual act can be frustrating, but having drawn or written makes me feel good. 3. Good food - we don't have much money, so we don't go out to eat very often; I also don't generally get a lot of time to cook (plus I'm not very experienced). But I like cooking, and I like eating good food, and I like making food for people. It's a big deal for me. 4. Looking cute - I'm still getting used to thinking of myself as someone who can actually look halfway decent, but I'm getting there. The days when I end up accidentally putting together an outfit that looks GOOD make me happy. 5. Our cats - caveat, when they're not coughing up hairballs or the like.

5 things I'm currently into: 1. Pokemon - this is perpetual. 2. The Good Place - god, this is a fantastic show. I love it. 3. Agents of SHIELD - Season 4 was one of the finest pieces of television I've watched in a long time. 4. Bad puns - also perpetual. 5. Ranma 1/2 - I need to go back and read this again.

5 things on my to-do list: 1. Get a book published! Hopefully followed by more than one. I have a series planned out, after all! 2. Get the title to my car updated with my correct name. Ugh, bureaucracy, right? 3. Various and sundry doctors' appointments. There's always another one around the corner. 4. Meet my wife's family. They live in another country, so this is a little difficult. 5. Learn to walk in heels - Okay, so I already can walk in heels, but I want my "effective time" to be longer than 5 minutes at a time.

No tagging from me. If you feel inclined to do this, consider yourself tagged!