#god i love everything regarding her parenting im crying i love her with my whole heart

[celuere]

slams fists on your desk*

not a request but I NEED to hear your opinion on arlecchino having a child at the hearth who doesn’t gaf that she’s a scary fatui harbinger. like to them that’s just father who saved them and now hosts unseasoned barbecue dinners, wdym you’re surprised they ran up to her and gave her a hug the second she got home? wdym they have to be at least a little scared of her? like they’ll still treat her with lots of respect but they’re super chill with her too and the fact that she could end anyone in a blink of an eye never crosses their mind even if she was probably covered in blood when she first found them

that‘s a really lovely concept to have actually! i do think arle would be a little overwhelmed tho if her children get overly touchy with her, it actually takes her a few seconds to hug them back but i don’t think she‘d treat the kid differently from the rest! on the other side it would probably heal something inside of her, the thought of her kids being overjoyed at her arrival is exactly what tells her that she‘d doing a better job than mother, even if she still isn’t perfect. she‘d be quite fond of the kid actually!

[genoc1d3r]

my turn to cry - thoughts on 3-1b

ok this has actually gotta be my favorite chapter cause holy shit so much stuff happened.

I played the Alice/kanna route and afterwards I watched a vod with the reko/shin route in which ranmaru and naomichi died before the banquet, so BIG SPOILER WARNING FOR BOTH ROUTES

Mafia Princess Sara??: Ok so first off, back in the beginning of 2020, I had a theory that Sara was a mafia heiress and that the death game was supposed to be something to “prepare” her. And that her memories were wiped or she was initially supposed to be kept blind to this whole thing (In 3-1a when everybody saw the consent form for the very first time everybody felt a sense of deja vu, except for Sara. Because why would they need her consent when she is the sole focus of the game and it’s all for her) This theory was mainly supplied by my confusion surrounding the hiring of Kai, cause why would mr Chidouin hire a former assassin to protect her?? How did he even know Kai??? But yeah, the whole thing with Shinobu Gokujo and deciding a new don through a death game just adds a lil more validity to this theory.

Sara’s real father: I also had a mini theory that Gashu Satou was her real father, but that was mostly cause of their hair color and how it would def make Sara’s hair color make more sense genetics-wise (but kai has black hair, so its most likely that his mother had black hair, which would also disprove this mini-theory but yk im not here to prove it just talk about it). And that Gashu knew of Mr. Chidouin and gave Sara to him, and it would also explain why mr Chidouin chose Kai of all people to look after her and why Kai could only watch her from a distance, in case she realized the truth that he was her brother/half-brother or something. 

GREENBLINGS CANON AAAAAAAA: I love this, I love this so much oh my god. Now I can replay and cry after 2-2 cause nankidai hates us :’). I dont have an issue with this specifically, I’m just a bit bothered by how the whole thing went. There was some buildup yea, and the cg with kanna, kugie, and shin was amazing. And that lil bit about nice hallucinations made me tear up a bit. But, then everybody kinda just moved on? and idk this whole chapter was a fuckign roller coaster I could barely keep up.

Autistic Gin <3: I’m autistic myself and I have seen many characters who are autistic-coded or exhibit many signs of autism but have never been straight up confirmed (Ex: Vera Misham from Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney). And even then, these characters usually share similar personality traits like being aloof and reserved. So it’s nice to see that Gin is representing autism in a relatively realistic manner with his hyperfixations, vocal tics, and issues with socializing. Even after nearly dying like 17 times he’s still doing well and I genuinely wish for his survival and happiness.

Ranmaru’s death: Both of Ranmaru’s deaths, (if you or if you don’t fail the electricity absorption minigame) the death feels so... off? I was really attached to him as a character, yet his death didn’t impact as much as Joe’s or Nao’s did. During his Banquet death, one second he had his really cute smiling sprite but then whoops oh no guys weird drill screw thing kills him (again). I still can barely comprehend it because it all just happened so fast. Like no cg or anything. I was honestly kinda disappointed. The “delayed” one does a better job at his death scene, but again, it was wayyy too quick and completely dismissed as everybody just moves on to defeat Maple 2.0. I at least would’ve appreciated a better transition than Midori just saying “well anyways–”

 Ranmaru’s extremely quick descent into madness in the shin route: I actually liked this idea of Ranmaru willing to go to such extremes for Sara. However, theres barely time for any of this to develop? Like again, everything just happens so fast??? I would've definitely liked if there were little hints around before the body discovery that ranmaru was gonna do something like this, just a little time for development would really be cool.

Mr. Policeman/Mr. Tazuna???: After I finished, I actually looked on the wiki to see if it said anything about his son that he mentioned and I found this: 

But yeah thats cool

The thing about Q-taro: I’m gonna say it now, I’ve liked Q-taro ever since the aftermath of 1-2, and Q-taro haters have added absolutely nothing to this fandom. Everybody saw him as a child-hater, I see him as a guy who’ll do anything to survive and succeed. I mean that wish is kinda what got him into the death game. And yeah he did try to leave that one time, but that’s what getting thrown into traumatic killing games does for you, most people don’t want to die, they want to live, no matter what it takes. We can’t all be the main character and choose to cooperate with everybody and be the “good” person in that situation. Even Sara has those extremely selfish moments and those intrusive thoughts of winning and leaving. 

This whole thing should also be applied to Ranmaru. Ranmaru has gone through so much shit in such a brief amount of time, to the point where he was considering to/actually kill people to escape with the one person he trusted in this hellhole. In that situation, Sara’s kinda at fault here, cause without Joe she’s lost her sense of morality which resulted in her becoming selfish and well... honestly kinda toxic. This emotional manipulation is really what set Ranmaru off, however it was 100% his decision to fucking kill somebody and murder’s bad. Still love him though.

But back to Qtaro, I really enjoyed the extra substance given to him in this chapter, it’s nice to see the development from being selfish to feeling deep remorse to protecting the dolls of the first trial victims, most notably Mai. As he completely forgives her for stabbing him. The chapter did a great job at fueling my already intense love for Q-taro (and it actually convinced my best friend who claims to hate Q-taro with every bone of her body to like him too!) I also love the father-son dynamic between him and Gin. I find this relationship to be really important cause Gin’s father is an abusive alcoholic and Q-taro’s an orphan who’s never had a proper role-model in his life. So it’s beautiful that despite not having anybody there for him when he was younger he can still be a good figure for another child.

Predictions/hopes for the next part: 

I just want to see whether Shin already knew about Kanna being his sister, and if he doesn’t I want a reveal. Right. Now.

A Ranmaru/Joe/Q-taro/Kai/ “Hinako” revival, p l e a se  they died so soon

More info about the people involved in the Hades Incident/Shinobu Gokujo

More info regarding Meister

Sara going on Maury

Who tf is “Hinako”????

I really hope that there isn't any specific good/bad ending. Like I want every ending to be equally bad and good yk? like equal consequences and good stuff.

Yo wtf happened to Sara’s mom?? Is she gonna come back and play a more important role in the story?? Are her parents gonna come back as floor masters???

I want things to actually change  depending on whether you picked Alice or reko, cause so far they’ve played extremely minor roles.

[teeth-and-tea]

ANIME & MANGA I HAVE BINGED IN THE LAST MONTH: May 2021

I've Been Hunting Slimes for the Past 300 Years and Now Ive Maxed Out My Level: incredibly long name aside, cute af slice of life that suffers Same Face Syndrome. I'm still happy to watch it because of how feel good and fluffy it is though, Im probably gonna forget about it in two or three years tho. 8/10.

Don't Toy With Me, Miss Nagatoro: I found out this was a webcomic first and suddenly all the HORNINESS made so much more sense. A Femdom, Degradation, Humiliation, Dacryphilia Bullies to Lovers story disguised as a high school rom-com which, I'm not going to lie, misses SKEEVY CITY by mere inches on a regular basis. However, I'm a Dom/Switch and this entire relationship sets off my dom brain center like New York City just shy of midnight. So if you're into that sort of scene, this anime is for you. If not, it's still fascinating but you're probably gonna be a little put off by how mean the Girl!Bully is to the guy MC. Unless you find out something about yourself, in which case, congrats! Stay safe, sane, consensual, and learn about the traffic light system on top of safe words, I promise you'll have a better life in general after that. Still Ongoing, currently 10/10.

Fruits Basket: IM GONNA CRY I LOVE THIS ANIME SO MUCH???? The original anime came out when I was in... I think middle school and my parents were really strict on what I watched so I never got to experience the first wave and I never bothered to watch the show ever after I moved out of the house years later. However, now that I'm much older I honestly can say this is one of my favorite anime to date, and all the characters are charming, lovable, with their own problems that I can connect to or sympathize with, and I love the MC which is always a treat tbh. Except Akito. Akito can suck a sandpaper dick. I'm only on S2 tho so no spoilers! Anime 11/10.

Monster Girl Doctor: went in thinking it was gonna be a monster girl who's a doctor with a homoerotic assistant (her name is SAPPHY okay sue me for thinking it) and ended up watching the entire dubbed harem series. Honestly, I've seen worse and this one has consistent follow-through on interesting characters and backstory enough for me to shove aside the blatant under-monstrousness of the female monsters and the harem-ness of everything else. Dubbing is honestly really good, which is a treat, and the monster designs are not the worst and the MC is tolerable. Honestly, I don't mind having watched it! The mix of cgi and the traditional animation together work pretty strangely though, and it often doesn't flow super well. 7.5/10

So I'm a Spider, So What: Dubbed version which honestly isn't that bad. Took me a bit to get into it, but after realizing that it's got a mismatched timeline a la The Witcher, it made so much more sense. Heavily done in cgi, and you can definitely tell between the 2D and 3D animations, but not the worst in the world. I went in not expecting much but it ended up being an Issekai I can stand and even enjoy. On god has a decent story... with the spider. I'd be a liar if I didnt say I skipped some of the human parts just to get back to the best part of the show. 8/10.

Somali and the Forest Spirit: I'm so fucking nostalgic for this thing it makes me want to go and hug my dad. About a human girl under threat of being eaten with a monster-dominated world. Very obvious "humans fear what they don't understand" message but instead of the humans learning tolerance it's what happens when they get annihilated first so like, kudos for the mangaka for having the guts to do that. I cried like a baby regularly. It's really good, I watched the dub and ID WATCH IT AGAIN!!! 9/10.

To Your Eternity: Oh my god. O h my g o d. Fell in love on the first episode, ngl. About if an immortal being learned how to be a person from scratch. I love it. HOWEVER. Keep a box of tissues on you at all times because you're gonna need them. I'm only on EP7 because that's all that's out right now but just know. I love it. Not for everyone but certainly for my "what do we define as human and the human condition" ass. 12/10.

Those Snow White Notes: A sports anime without any sports. About shamisen playing which is cool because I never realized how cool this instrument was??? Its neat af. OP1&2 are by Burnout Syndrom so know theyre fire. Gonna be real, its pretty alright, but not extraordinary. You can tell they were using the characters as archetypes rather than actually characters which kinda kills a lot of the emotional value you could've had, but I'm still gonna watch it. It doesn't make me cringe as hard as other sports anime tho so I consider it toptier in that regards but if you're a big sports anime fan you might be bummed out by it. Every single musical performance is INCREDIBLE tho. A solid 8/10.

Toilet Bound Hanako-kun: THE ART OMFG IT'S SO GORGEOUS. Listen, if you took coptic markers and gave them an animation budget with some manga panel direction thrown in there, that's this anime. It's beautiful. Gorgeous. I'm in love with the aesthetic every second. Story? Really good. Characters? I love the MC and his evil little twin brother asshat. Demons? Not super imaginative but I'm carrying on happy as can be anyways. Dubbing? A bit shaky at times but I found the voices charming if a little off for some of them. I'm already waiting for the second season with popcorn at the ready. 10/10.

Prison School: I watched this directly after Hanako-kun and it was like I got slapped in the face by sweaty unwashed titties and some fedora wearing schmuck's piss kink. No character is likable or redeemable. I finished it, but at what cost? 2/10 and only because a character shit his pants and I laughed.

Sleepy Princess in the Demon Castle: watched this right after Prison School and it was NECESSARY tbh. Its so CUTE and honestly, im not even kidding you, the fucking funniest anime I've seen in months. I watched the dub and the VAs are having the time of their lives working on this anime not just giving it their all but literally just going ham. Its great. If I read this im sure id be bored outta my mind but the VAs giving it a joyous performance make it an insta fave for me tbh. 9/10.

Sk8 the Infinity: i watched the dub with my bro and I can confirm that its a spectacular show because we both loved it and we have vastly different tastes. Incredibly SUSPENSFUL AND STRESSFUL for an anime about skateboarding but we finished it in a single sitting tbh. The last episode is not dubbed for some reason but we still loved it. Like if Free! was less obnoxious but the only fan-service here is Joe ♡ a beefcake who owns my lesbian heart. I think there's exactly one named female character tho and I legit couldn't tell you what it was if there was a gun to my head. So, over all, 9.5/10.

That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime: I'm going to be entirely honest, I went in thinking it was going to be a boring isekai of no value. I was right about the Isekai part. It was honestly pretty interesting and focused on nation building like you're playing civilization rather than the usual "Get Stronger" narrative or "Get Some Pussy" narrative most isekais take which is delightfully refreshing. Granted there are flavors of that in this which means it doesn't alienate the big isekai watchers out there, but it's not the whole dish and it doesn't make me want to cringe the same way others do. You've got a slime MC just vibing and building a nation of monsters nbd. Does lose points for making the female monsters more humanoid than their male counterparts but makes them back by only doing perfunctory fan-service and nothing that makes me want to cry... except the butt sumo episode but in fairness it was all a terrible dream. Literally, the MC refuses to dream anymore after that. solid animation, decent voice acting, decent story, made me realize how HUGE this is in the Light Novel community???? There's like 18 fucking novels and that's WILD. 8.5/10.

MANGA:

Spirit Photographer Saburo Kono: a one shot special by the mangaka of The Promised Neverland! Honestly a really delicate touch of both super creepy and really touching, and I'm not gonna lie I'm bummed that this isn't a bigger project but the single chapter makes it a good taste for their style. I've been wondering if I wanna read/watch The Promised Neverland and now I think I will. 10/10

Deranged Detective Ron Kamonohashi: from the mangaka of Hitman Reborn comes this Sherlock and Watson derivative! Not even 20 chapters out yet with a sort of spotty schedule, I honestly love it even thought it's exactly as you expect. HOWEVER. Kamonohashi the "Sherlock" character uses mental pressure to kill all confirmed murderers and it's up to Toto the "Watson" character to save all those people before Kamonohashi kills them! It's just recently introduced a "Moriarty" family of crime lords (not a big spoiler don't worry it was obvious) so the tension surrounding Ron's past is amping up rn. Personally, I think the art is GORGEOUS, the characters engaging, and the story quick enough to keep my interest. Most mysteries are solved within a chapter or two so you're not stuck 20 chapters into one locked room mystery which is just peachy tbh. RN, 10/10. If this gets an anime, I anticipate a legion of fangirls who ship the two main characters along with their many friends. I've been alive too long to believe otherwise.

Don't Toy with Me, Miss Nagatoro: Yeah I read the manga after I watched the show. A slower build than the anime, but it works for the format, if theyd done the same with the show then I don't think it wouldve done as well. Honestly? Cuter tbh but just as horny. You dont start really LEARNING about your character until like, chap 65 tho and no real "drama" happens until like 75. A good chunk of the chapters are like 8pgs so its a breeze to get through. I love these slow burn idiots of the century. 9.5/10 because you can DEFINITELY tell the mangaka does hentai too.

Yugen's All-Ghouls Homeroom: one-shot by the mangaka for Food Wars, it's no wonder there's this constant perviness from the MC, a guy who can see and exorcise spirits. Takes place at an all girl's finishing school with KICK ASS monsters tbh, kinda bummed its not longer. The MC? Blatant monsterfucker who is also a CONFRIMED monsterfucker???? Idk i vibe with that single emotion. Everything else is hit or miss. 7/10 for monsters and cool concept, lost points for the MC very pointedly being okay with admitting he'd wait for the teenagers to be adults tho. Creepy af. Could live without that.

Hell's Paradise: I finished the entire 127chps in 3 days and I was really enthusiastic about it 90% of the time thinking about how deep it was and then I actually thought about it and I ended up being very neutral about the whole thing tbh. The art is fantastic tho, but DEFINITELY deserving of the M rating. Tits. Tits everywhere. But not tits to be ecchi over, no, monster hermit tits on beautiful women-ish figures. Now generally I give that a pass but a huge theme in the story is that men and women are "no better than one or the other" but like, lady tits are what you see 99% of the time. Men tits are few and far between. I call bullshit on most of the "deep" themes is what I'm saying, so it's like the mangaka was trying for those deep thoughts but missed the margin a little too far for my preference. That being said, the MC is a married man who loves his wife which automatically makes him my favorite character so like... idk so many good things, so many misses, but overall really spectacular themes and imagery. Unique but classic all at once. It's getting an anime and I have NO IDEA how much censorship they're gonna be doing but they're going to be doing SO MUCH. Oh yeah, and one guy is a plant/human hybrid who fucks a 1000 year old plant-hermit which makes him a canon monster fucker. And one canon non-binary character who I, a nonbinary, actually like. So like... gosh I've got mixed feelings. 8.5/10.

Choujin X: From Sui Ishida, mangaka to the mega hit Tokyo Ghoul comes this brand new manga!... Of one chapter, lol. Not really binge-y because it's just the one chapter out right now but I'm already keeping my eye on it. The grasp on anatomy in the art is PHENOMENAL and you can see Ishida flexing his art skill which is great. Can't give a true rating but I'm giving it a tentative 9/10 because I'm excited to see more.

Shag&Scoob: technically not a manga, its an ongoing webcomic I binged an subscribed to in one day and I just think it deserves more attention. Starts off funny with "what if Scooby Doo had a gun" and has been led to "what if all cartoons are aliens that survive and receive their powers by the humans that love them in an epic war with Martians." On god, its good. I finished the current series in a couple hours so it's a breezy read, highly recommend it. 9/10.

To Your Eternity: Yeah I watched the anime and then finished all current 143 chapters in like 3 days. GOD IM WEAK. I don't buy physical manga unless I know I want to remember the story forever and I'm already budgeting for the current books out. Yeah, this is a good series. That being said, definitely not for the faint of heart or those who suffer under common triggers like suicide, molestation, death, etc. It's all framed as bad and necessary to the story don't get me wrong, but it's there and has lasting affects on the characters. Incredible story telling by the creator of A Silent Voice. Keep tissues nearby at all times. 12/10.

[theadorablespderman]

Everything to love about Far From Home not in this order:

Literally seeing that opening with all our loved avengers that are no more.

Whitney Houston “I will always love you” made me cry because damnit Tony’s face was right THERE! NOT OK!

The blip footage was pretty damn funny not gonna lie.

Peter’s cute ass plan to tell MJ how he feels.

MJ’s favorite flower being a Black Dalia because of the murder. Literally a girl I can relate too. Murderinos for life sister. Idk but it just made her sooo relatable!

The fact that Brad is a kid grown up from the blip and that made him seem all the weirder for MJ.

Jealous Peter was so freaking amazing! Oh my gosh! That face he’d get. I’m a sucker for jealousy and they did it so good.

Making MJ this awesome character she was before but also obviously has this softer layer where she does have flaws and insecurities and she’s really sweet but also so badass. That was amazing.

The starting relationship between Peter and Beck. It was cute and so I was sad knowing that Beck was somehow going to be the villain.

Also let’s talk about how Beck is basically Syndrom from the incredibles.

That scene with Peter and Brad....the pure terror when he snapped that picture

Also seeing how big of a dick Brad is and how unhealthy jealous he was.

“Nick Fury” getting ghosted, showing up in Venice, tranquilising Ned (don’t touch him you monster) and then promptly highjacking Peters Summer trip.

Showing the emotional trama Peter is going through. The anxiety, the greiving. It was very reminiscent of Iron Man 3 when Tony suffers from PTSD after the battle of New York. I loved that they showed Peter reacting as any kid would, many adults too, which is to just try and forget anything happened but being faced with the reality every day. So well done.

Happy and May’s relationship. Enough said 😂😂

I feel cheated we didn’t see Mr delmore again.

Addressing all the problems the Blip/Snap created. High school aging, school, drinking ages, homelessness and housing issues. That’s just the start of it I’m sure but they covered those pretty well and I love that.

The technology that made Beck into Misterio was so well done. Instead of some frankly, kinda far fetched story that he came from an alternate earth (which I was willing to believe but felt it was a cop out in terms of plot and character) they showed the real world issues that superhero’s can create. The Enemies that have a real deep rooted hatred for hero because they’ve personally been betrayed or wronged by them. Because marvel has always made clear, everyone is not on the hero’s side.

Steeping Misterio’s powers in tech which is classing marvel but again, so brilliantly done in this movie. I loved the development. Because at first glance, half way through, I was thinking “wow this is really kinda weird and unexplained and too witchcraft for what marvel usually brings to the superpower backstory” I know it’s weird to say after everything marvel has done. But it seemed just a tad out there without being too hard to grasp. Which again was brilliantly done because that was the whole point.

The nod to Misterio’s helmet even when Beck was in the hologram suit watching everything play out. I guess it was his screen? But I loved the staple of even without his big over the top suit he still had the trademark helmet. Great costume design.

Peter’s soft gazes towards MJ. Nearly gave me a cavity they were so sweet! Ahhh sooo cute

Mr. Harrington’s marital problems nearly made me pee my pants....we all knew here in the fandom that shit like that would half to happen but my god lol

The opera scene was sooo freakin cute and that one step Peter took when he saw Brad move in was so freaking cute and hot!

MJ running after him and finding the critical peice of information to crack the case wide open. Loved it.

Betty and Ned’s Sicily sweet romance that you knew couldn’t possibly last. They really nailed the realistic high school romance. But I still ship it.

The bus scene was epic. And when Peter knocked Flash out...god it was amazing.

Mj obviously having love eyes towards Peter same as he does for her.

THE FACT THAT HE ACTUALLY BOUGHT THAT NECKLACE FOR HER OH MY GOD! I CANT GET A GUY TO TEXT ME BACJ LET ALONE BUY A NECKLACE LIKE THAT WHICH PROBABALY COST A GOOD CHUNK OF CHANGE IT WAS SO FREAKING AMAZING AND CUTE AND TOUCHING.

All the iron man images got me feeling depressed as hell

“are you being serious because I was only like 67% sure?” That was amazing. Seeing MJ get so excited and trying to keep that hidden was awesome

The fact that she was so pleased with herself but also played it hella cool when Ned walked in and she said she figured it out. Literally that is me.

The shirtless Peter trope that we all wanted and freaking got! So freaking cute how she tried to peak at his abs. Like understandable girl.

The fucking illusions. Turning our sweet trusting Peter into a ball of mess. I was too.

God when he had to tell himself it wasn’t real but it still totally feels like it is.

Him trying to save MJ when she’s “thrown off the Eiffel Tower”

Every traumatizing thing Beck shows and tells him during the illusion. So shitty.

Seeing Tony’s grave, seeing iron man come out. That was awful and we all felt it in the movie because we’ve lost him too. We could FEEL that slap same as Peter.

Beck telling Peter that Tony’s death was his fault. I was abouta hurl myself at the movie screen.

Every illusion done in a way that just when you think it’s over, it’s never stopped. You forget what’s real and you feel trapped in it same as Peter does.

WHEN HE GETS HIT BY THE TRAIN!!!!!!!!!! Nearly had a damn heart attack!!!! My mom had to look over and ask if I was ok because I literally stopped breathing for a solid 30 seconds.

Showing gradually just how insane and evil Misterio was.

HAPPY BEING CONCERNED FOR PETER! LIKE SINCERELY AND HONESTLY CONCERNED! It’s good to know he’s got Happy to take care of him and May but that Peter still has a father type figure he can count on after Tony. Because you know Tony wouldn’t have put up with any of that getting hit by a train shit.

Also where the hell was Karen? We missed her. We got Edith but Karen wouldn’t have let Misterio take her over. WHERE WAS KAREN!!

Peter crying and needing to know Happy was real. Broke me heart

That hug between them was so sweet and you can see the concern on Happy’s face

Happy and Peter opening up to each other was so awesome considering their relationship in Homecoming.

ALL THE TONY and PETER PARRELLS! All of them!!!!!!!!! Not the people saying “Spider-Man’s the next Ironman” no the actual hints and glimpses at how similar him and tony actually are. The hologram gauntlet shot, a straight parallel to Iron Man when Tony is building his first real suit. Obviously “Back in Black” by Led Zeplen (formally known as AC/DC) playing. Another obvious hint toward Tony. The Stark sunglasses. Peter falling with the parachute and it literally looks like Ironman with his jet stream behind him from a distance. There’s so much more I’ll do a whole other post on.

Of course: “I love Led Zeplin!” Hahaha it’s such a kid thing to say! I’ve said it before I knew the big differences between AC/DC and Led Zeplin. It was so freaking perfect.

Peter making his suit and Happy’s face. Bittersweet and I live for the affection he holds for Peter now.

The Netherlands Holding cell...must I say more?

Brad’s downfall and MJs amazing comment about him taking pictures of people in the bathroom. Ep-ic. Even flash was like “bro that’s so weird”

Mr. witchcraft was hilarious and I loved his aside with Brad “I’m gonna be the cool teacher and tell you you can’t do that anymore.”

Flash is definately Gay or Bi and I’m so here for it. That wink he makes to Peter proves it.

All the near death truths in the vault of the tower.

MJ BADDASS COMES SWINGING WITH THE MACE AND IT WAS LEGINDARY OH MY GOD! YES GIRL! She’s my idol I love her so much.

Peter and his “Peter Tingle” And while we’re on the subject the banana he gets to the face while packing.

Important. His amazing skills at the end trusting his instincts (which is great because May says in regards to MJ, but it applies to this too) May tells Peter to trust his instincts and don’t think too much. And that’s what he does when he defeats Beck.

The bad ass “you can’t fool me anymore” after redirecting the gun away from his head at the end. Literally was so intense and well done.

Peter and MJ’s kisses! I loved how awkward it was at first and the slightly less awkward one. They really accurately captured the awkwardness of teenagers in love. Like that’s what it’s like guys.

Show me MJ’s parents you cowards, or show me something. Anything. I just want to know the nature of the situation.

Ned and Betty’s breakup. So funny and honestly not surprising at all. But still I ship them.

The hand hold. So cute.

May and Peter still being the cutest aunt and nephew duo there ever was.

I totally thought Peter was going to end with telling the world he was spiderman....BUT SOME OTHER ASSHOLES DID IT FOR HIM AND MADE HIM INTO A VILLAN AND IM PISSED. LOOKING AT YOU MR JAMESON YOU PEICE OF SHIT.

The movie ended and I have no idea what’s next.

Mid credit of MJ swinging through New York. Home girl doesn’t like and neither do I. Looks full on terrifying we don’t blame you hun.

After credit where the skrulls have been playing Maria and Nick fury for the whole movie. Honestly it made more sense because Nick fury seemed just a bit off. ALSO WHERE IS THE REAL NICK FURY at and I’m so psyched to see where this new movies are gonna go!

Alright that all for now folks!!!! Everything about the movie was great!!! I will have to watch again ad see if anything more pops up. Sorry for any spelling errors I’m on my phone.

[zepdeans]

this is highkey like a month late (i mean wbk im a chronic scatterbrain procrastinator) and she’s thicccc but without further ado. my skam s4 thoughts.

I first just want to say a couple things: im not a muslim woc so my thoughts on s4 don’t hold as much value as those of a muslim, woc, or a muslim woc. I also don’t know to what degree sana’s representation was true to real life. I made an effort to look for posts from muslim woc on sana’s season but to no real avail, especially given it’s been two years since skam ended and a lot of blogs have deactivated, changed urls, or posts have become buried :( [if you know of any good posts regarding sana’s season please lmk!]. from what I can recall in 2017, there were mixed opinions on s4 with most being upset (or at least disappointed) with the ultimate execution of sana’s storyline and I agree w that. while s4 means so much to me and has a really special place in my heart, I do 100% acknowledge its flaws. ok!!!!!! lets get into it😤

ep1 -as much as I wished isak stayed in kollektivet I’m glad he and even had a rlly sweet happy time this entire season. also evak making their friends move all their furniture while they whisper romantic shit to each other and makeout? peak comedy -you fuckin wish!!! -sana is the one to say “of course you should tell noora about william”.. she Knew and still takes the fall for it :( -this opening clip is such a jarring shift into sana’s pov!! e.g. while easy to overlook in previous seasons, sana’s exclusion from the girls is glaringly obvious once we’re looking through her eyes -adding onto that! sana is the friend who notices everyone else- she’s so observant, which hurts even more when you notice her friends don’t do the same (except mayhaps chris- in my heart of hearts I know chris is also the friend who notices and goes unnoticed, but unfortunately we don’t get enough of her and sana’s relationship this season to fully see that) -yousef and the balloon squad’s entrance.... ICONIC! also I cant believe for 2 seasons they presented those dickbag nissen 97s as the be all end all of hot amazing boys when the bakka third years were RIGHT THERE like,, the penetrators vs. balloon squad + even? no contest ma’am -also! it’s so interesting that we literally had no idea sana had a brother, or that yousef etc existed until now? it’s as if she has a whole private world at home, separate from her friends and nissen (and I think a theme of this season is those two worlds merging) -im obsessed w the yousana train scene but yousef being the only one who notices sana standing off to the side? ;-; -fy faen is such a stunning clip oh my god. when sana leaves to pray? possibly my favourite skam scene ever. it’s exquisite.  -sana is so cute and awkward squeezing thru the crowd shsdhgfhshdf I LOVE her love her -the last shot on yousef and noora... oh my GOD oh my god bc like. being that friend who never ever tells your real feelings or your crushes or is vulnerable with your friends?? and then having to listen to them talk about how good your crush would be with someone else (especially one of ur friends) while ur sitting there silently dying inside? and you don’t say anything since you can’t be vulnerable with your friends and u don’t think u stand a chance anyways so. (in the words of s3 noora. I think sana struck a nerve with the emotional unavailability! abbey r u ok) -this episode is a masterpiece and did such a phenomenal job of both introducing us to sana’s perspective while also touching on a multitude of her struggles AND establishing the themes of the season. plus the cinematography, editing, soundtrack and aesthetic...... o baby. (case in point I deadass just rewatched it after writing this)

ep2 -every shot of sana praying is beautiful (and beautifully edited!!) -sana’s room is usually messy... not smart enough to fully analyze this but I’m sure it means something  -an interesting contrast of what’s expected of her vs. of elias- I can’t speak for muslim families, but I know even in non-muslim families girls are always held to suchhh a higher standard (source: I have 2 brothers rip) -”if you find immaturity charming” hilarious bc sana actually does in fact find immaturity charming  -what’s interesting is how noora comes across in sana’s POV- kinda obnoxious, kinda ignorant, seemingly perfect (compared to how noora is portrayed in eva’s season, for example) -even is one of those ppl who uses the bill gates argument on why dropping out of school makes u richer sdfhfsjskfjfsd -sana staring down the pepsi max squad. fuck em up. -vilde adding magnus to the groupchat jfkjsjfdjfsfsdkj -isak missing eskild :’) sidenote I fucking live for isak and sana’s chats this season. they’re literally my lifeblood like.... 

ep3 -the kiss me scene god I go FERAL -“you need to pull it towards you, not push it away. okay?” yall mind if i SCREAM!! YOUSEF!!!!!!!!!! -there rlly is something about seeing sana, who in everyone else’s POV comes off as cold and harsh and stoic, just absolutely meltinggg when she talks w yousef like she doesn’t stop smiling she’s so sweet!!!! ah🥰 and yousef is 100% that guy who ppl tell “your gf is so intimidating and ruthless bro” and he���s like are y’all talking about sana??????? my baby?? my fuckin cinnamon apple????? -yousef’s lil smile watching sana peel carrots. 911 it’s me again -vilde and sana’s relationship has a really interesting dynamic bc like.. vilde says ignorant shit to sana while also genuinely looking up to her. and sana is probably the harshest to vilde within the group but it’s because she actually values their friendship a lot  -IM HURT BECAUSE YOU NEVER REPLIED TO MY MEME -sana pulling 2yr old receipts off the top of her head to defend vilde. god I stan -sana doin research taking notes..... shameful she isn’t canonically a virgo (honestly her and isak both but like-) -she’s so soft and smiley w her mamma awh... “of course he likes you, who doesn’t like you?” her mamma only knows the real, gentle, beautiful loving sana oh im CRY -even is so kind and loving and thoughtful yall mind if i....... -”you can’t escape the internet girl” foreshadowing mayhaps?

ep4 -david and ulrikke together are fucking hilarious -noora’s “you’re lucky you don’t have to think about this stuff, heartbreak and that” :/ it’s not just vilde who says ignorant things to sana! -that being said sana and noora are cute asf in the exper5 scene.. dorky noora rise (omg josefine and her yogurt in the bloopers too sjhfkjdf) -I HANDLE BALLS BETTER THAN YOU -the yousana scene is sooo gorgeous whew...... -I always cry a lil bit (ok a lot) when yousef brings up even. and sana knew too. even sweetie ily :( -sana talking about her religion is beautiful. it’s so lovely to learn about how she thinks and sees the world. -yousef’s smile watching sana leave like ur kidding right....... -“flawless since 99″ is so cringey. it’s so cringeyyy -sana uses “smh” I knew we were soulmates

ep5 -eavesdropping on ur parent/brother’s argument is peak sibling culture -when ur always paranoid but ur always right..... -sana’s green jumpsuit sign me up babey -I really really really love elias and sana’s conversation -u dont even realize how tiny sana is until she’s standing next to isak and even -not finding out why yousef avoided the fight and why he kissed noora will haunt me forever (could we not have expanded more on that instead of noorhelm.......) -the parallel of sana washing isak’s blood off her hands vs. her washing her hands during maghrib in episode 1. gotta sit down. -vilde gossiping to the pepsimax girls stings SO bad it’s just such a betrayal?:( -“the other girls seem cool, especially noora! she’s so pretty!” ok much to unpack here but: sana again comparing herself to noora (who she sees as /perfect/)... sana being written off despite putting so much effort and passion into the russ bus while noora, who has done literally nothing and at best is indifferent to russ, is the one they like the most. disgusteng -love will tear us apart.. bitch..... -sana abt to cry god I can’t -if sana is anything like me (I mean I think she is but jkjjkhsdfhfsd). looking stupid is the absolute worst so like, her sending out emails abt being bus boss when she was actually being lied to? being played? and her being “paranoid” about sara being shady, but deciding hey maybe im just being crazy? except she wasn’t she was right and she Knew!! and she’s probably thinking how dumb it was for her to get her hopes up, everything always ends badly anyways and no one actually likes her :((((((( -dont rlly know what my feelings are on the fight. im not against it bc isak does have a temper but his apparent motive always seemed weak to me?? and god I feel so bad for even

ep6 -forgot about sana getting bullied in middle school yall mind if I sob?? -sana lying and getting defensive bc it’s hard to be vulnerable, or because she hates looking stupid? or both?:( -isak looking up dandelions in his textbook just bc even put one behind his ear. I HATE this man -sana’s dad asking if she had a bad day aw :( -all the boys (and sana) wearing black but yousef wearing white.... what does it mean.............. -the carrots are back goddammit -radio station playing during this scene: “if I have to choose between the just non-muslim and the unjust muslim, without any doubt I would choose the non-muslim who is just” -ISAK’S NOSE SFFJDFJFSDKJSDF -sana’s text about chris I’m going to bawl my eyes out.           “yeah! looking forward (to going to nissen) but a bit worried. don’t know               anyone else starting there.”           (J: new friends?) “yes, at least one of them. I have german with her (chris)           and she’s very cool!” -the contrast of how blunt sana came off when we’re first introduced to her vs. how she was really just excited to make a new friend bc she was scared no one would like her :( especially knowing her past with bullying and how nervous she was to start at nissen? chris baby I LOVE YOU thank u ;-; -also sana keeping 2yr old conversations on her phone... same -sana is honestly too smart and scheming and overthinking for her own good. she has these elaborate plans that more-or-less always get ruined by her being more kind than she gives herself credit for (e.g. wanting to protect vilde in s1, clearing isak’s name in s4) -everyone in skam texts back so fast smh -chris calling sana “sonic”...... a moment please -I cannot watch the sana/evak apartment scene without thinking of the bloopers and losing it lmfaoooo.. “this is where we live. just come in” -ik it’s based off fanart but there is little I hate more than their matching outfits  -“remember you’re both geniuses!” 🥺even  -once again isak studying is uhhhh me - “you’re a good person” yall i love isak i really do. he puts his foot in his mouth pretty often and doesn’t have a great brain-to-mouth filter and he can be awkward and rambly and blunt and unsure of what to say in emotional situations but also? he’s so genuine. it’s just his honest thoughts and he says it bc he cares about sana and knows she needs to hear it!! -ᶠᵃᵉⁿ ᵉᵛᵉⁿ -sana’s inner turmoil.. thank u iman for inventing acting (ik I haven’t mentioned it much yet but god iman is SUCH a phenomenal actor I owe her my life) -LETS GO BITCHES

ep7 -sana crying silently in her room breaks my fucking heart (IMAN!!!!)  -idk how I feel about the instagram plot but sana watching as her plan falls into place and then storming up to sara... pretty bada$$ -“it’s creepy it was published but it’s more creepy we have a bus boss who talks shit about everyone” THANK YOU vilde -i love s4 isak thanks -sana and jamilla’s chat aw :~) -how awkward do yall think the walk to the bench was lmfao -what sana tells isak is SO powerful and I love it a lot -isak does actually make a good point- the other girls are like that too.  -unfortunately I have been in situations isak describes, where you want to learn more about your friend’s culture or religion because you care about them and you’re genuinely interested, but you don’t know what questions are okay to ask and you don’t want to sound rude or ignorant, so you ultimately end up asking no questions at all. but I hate that the responsibility is put on sana to constantly educate people bc I cannot imagine how exhausting that must be [[[ok so. I know there are VERY mixed opinions on the bench scene but here’s my dumbass two cents. 1- I genuinely think isak was trying to make sana feel better by attempting to relate to her and pass on advice that really helped him. however, I don’t think isak realized what sana eventually told him- that her experience wearing the hijab is a lot different than isak’s experience as a gay man. do I agree with everything isak said? nooo. do I understand why he said it? yeah. 2- it was not isak’s place to tell sana norwegians aren’t racist, or not to look for racism in questions. I think there’s some truth to ppl often just being ignorant, and he does add that there are probably a lot of racist people in Norway, but yeah. not great. 3- in conclusion I think while isak shared some meaningful advice w sana, he put his foot in his mouth too and said some stupid shit. im not trying to defend that. I will add, though: a. we actually do see some growth on isak’s part. when he and even are yelled at on the street, that’s the moment it clicks for him that oh shit, this is what sana was talking about. this is what she has to experience? and that’s why he texts noora, “in the speech for sana, you have to include how insanely strong she is. I don’t think many people understand how much bullshit she has to take” and b. isak’s (bad) advice of “not looking for the racism in things” is ultimately contrasted by yousef (a moc who lived most of his life as a muslim) suggesting instead to show people what islam really is. and that’s so much more meaningful. I think the root of a lot of the issues isak brought up- i.e. ignorance- is a general lack of education, representation, or effort by non-muslim people to seek out information themselves. so sana leading by example and showing what it means to her to be muslim is so much more powerful.]]] -𝒃𝒂𝒎!  -BEST BUDS 🥺

ep8 -haper du har plass weaving in and out of this episode until the chorus finally breaks when the los losers van shows up...... miss julie 😭 -oh my god the pictures. im a fucking MESS bc they’re not only significant to the scene and to sana but also like,, as part of our goodbye to the girls?? -the balloon squad and even :( while the timeline of them reconciling within just this week is kinda wack, seeing even back with his friends looking so happy makes my heart uwu so i’ll allow it just this once -eva’s message to vilde about her and magnus being able to trust each other w/o reading their texts... growth or irony -chris is such a phenomenal friend (and this is why I wanted more of her in s4!!) -sana’s phonecall to the girls breaks my fucking heart bc like. right off the bat she’s finally being vulnerable with them?? telling them about her fears and insecurities and struggles? typing this im gonna start crying lol but god I love her so much. she’s so brave and she put all that on the line bc all she really cares about are her friends, she loves them SO much even if (she thinks) they don’t love her back -lowkey sobbed so hard during the haper du har plass clip I almost threw up and it gave me a headache :)  -anyways this is one of my favourite skam clips and god just. the moment you hear the girls calling for sana??? I LOSE it. when sana just starts BEAMING omg🤧 the girls love sana and support her and if you fuck with sana you fuck with us!!!!!! god. cannot articulate how dear to my heart this scene is. -haper du har plass feels like the end of the episode and the party clip is kinda just tacked on but I love how happy everyone is!! they’re all drinking champagne (who taught isak how to hold things) and dancing and smilingggg 💛 -yousana rise!!!!!!!!  -ok don’t get me wrong I hate william for crashing the party but their entrance slow-mo kinda slaps.... also sana popping up in between noorhelm SENDS me

ep9 -this is the point in the season where the amount of time dedicated to noorhelm is beyond beyond beyond significantly damaging to the story. this is sana’s last episode!! instead of having them makeout in front of william’s car for 20 minutes mayhaps we could’ve had a conversation between the girls and sana, or with her brother (if they had continued the elias alcoholism plotline rip), or maybe even with jamilla or her mamma? like I don’t care at ALL about noora or william. give me anything else. ple a s e -what makes skam scenes so brilliant is their quiet moments!! julie let the scene breathe. not everything needs a tacky song playing over top. -I’ve said this abt like twenty clips now but MAGHRIB. oh my GOD. an absolute masterpiece and definitely tied for my all time favourite skam clip. can’t rlly put into words how stunning it is. & I love sana and yousef’s conversation so much. -“of course I brought food! my name is yousef!” mr. acar you’re the only man I trust

ep10 -as much as my heart yearns for 10 sana episodes I think splitting up the last episode of skam into individual POV clips for different characters was brilliant and such a poignant way to say goodbye :( -okay don’t think about what sana could’ve written in her texts to everyone or ur heart will go sicko mode -I won’t write anything abt this ep since I’ve already written too much but like.. (elias should’ve gotten a clip instead of william. pchris can stay because his clip was funny but he’s on thin fuckin ice) -kjaere sana was such a beautiful way to say goodbye to skam. so yeah. bye skam. i miss you. 

overall ➔I’m not really sure why (possibly a lethal combination of my undying love for sana bakkoush, how much I relate to her, this but my ass was crying EVERY single episode of season 4...... F ➔I’m obsessed with s4′s aesthetic. imo the best editing, soundtrack and cinematography of any season!!!! julie is so talented at making each season feel distinct- to me, sana’s season is cool, vibrant colours (aka the late-night sunset aesthetic- gabie i hear u laughing shut up), crisp electronic/pop music and rap, ethereal city nights..... also sana has the best style of any skam character it had to be said ➔sana’s growth! seeing her open up and be honest and vulnerable with the girls during that phone call. sana sending all of her friends literally the sweetest messages of how much they mean to her and how much she values their relationship. sana being the (MUCH) bigger person and making amends with sara, ingrid etc. I love her so much :’((( ➔I’ve thought a lot about what I would change in season 4 and honestly? im a mf scatterbrain and have no real, structured ideas. my biggest issue is too much noora. dream s4 would be william staying in london and noora being happy on her own (but not rly on her own bc she has the girls and kollektivet!). as :/ as I am about the noora/yousef plotline, I’m not really sure what I’d do to replace the yousana conflict in ep5. maybe involving elias, or the balloon squad and even? related to that- in lieu of all the noora/noorhelm screentime, I would so much rather have a follow-up plot to elias’s drinking problem bc it was kinda just dropped? at the very least, the william clip should’ve been elias’s. I also would've killed for more one-on-one scenes with chris (even vilde or eva!), jamilla, even, members of the balloon squad... there are so many interesting stories that could’ve been explored instead of going down the noorhelm rabbithole again. furthermore, I feel like the social media plot was a bit... weak? again I’ve tried thinking of what I would’ve done instead (while also keeping the haper du har plass clip, y’all can pry that one from my cold dead hands) to little avail. what especially threw me about this plotline is that sana did this in s2 to jamilla, fucked up, and it bit her in the ass. I know that she gets irrational when angry but from a storytelling perspective, it seems repetitive. just.. I feel like there could’ve been a more powerful plot in which sana follows the same character arc. another thing I would’ve loved to see is beyond the los losers van, an apology from the girls to sana. or even just a conversation where they tell her “hey sana, we’re sorry for not paying attention and we’re sorry for being thoughtless/ignorant.” an apology from vilde about things she’s said in the past would’ve been <3. even a gesture! the girls order pizza again but this time it’s halal, or they make an effort to learn about sana’s religion and culture. I know it’s implied through the letter they write for sana, but a final standalone scene would’ve been so nice.  ➔i’ve noticed soo many remakes do this thing where they like.. water down shitty behaviour of their characters. which like- sure. I would love for everyone to be kind and thoughtful and not as horrible as they could be but also... I think that’s the point of skam? to show that people fuck up, but that doesn’t define them as a person. no one is perfect and no one can be thoughtful and considerate and kind all the time. and often these ‘problematic’ actions are integral to the story- e.g. elias saying stupid comments to isak (related to isak’s internalized homophobia and fear of coming out to his friends), the girl squad being ignorant about what sana can eat, etc. so..... your remake is not better because it erased every horrible action every character has done. (nuance.. where r u.........) ➔despite its flaws, I will say- the good moments of season 4? ineffable. I think we sometimes forget that julie literally wrote, directed, and I believe (?) assisted w editing and soundtrack too. i cant imagine doing all that under so much pressure, trying to bring so many storylines to a conclusion whilst simultaneously creating a goodbye-season to a show she put her life into the past two years. I’m so fucking appreciative of her. and you know what? all in all julie wrote some pretty damn beautiful episodes and scenes, and you can tell she loves this show just as much as we do. ➔and honestly this is maybe one reason I’m more wary of watching remake s4′s, bc like.. this season meant SO much bc it was the last season of skam. we knew it was the last season. the final episode is more or less a love letter, a goodbye to the show. whereas w some remakes (do i have to say whomst) its  like.. that love isnt there. it’s just another season. yknow? in conclusion I miss skam so much :(

ok whew if ur reading this ur a champion but also why did you just read 5k of me rambling about how much I love sana bakkoush?? 

[shizekarnstein]

Hi!! Do you want to talk about the other characters who went down the same path Eren's seemingly been going down to? The ones who reminds you of him that you were talking about in your tags? I'd be interested in reading about it!!

Hi sorry it took me so long to answer. I tend to avoid talking about them out of habit and bc I love them so much I could rant and wax poetics for hours, but since you asked...

DO YOU MEAN MY PRECIOUS TRASH LORD ANAKIN SKYWALKER ALIAS DARTH VADER, HUMAN FAILURE EXTRAORDINARY??

Bc I always have a lot of feelings regarding him.

OR MAYBE THE LOSER KNOWN AS LELOUCH VI BRITANNIA WHOM I ALSO LOVE?????

Im on mobile so spoilers for star wars and code geas below.

Anakin in particular is more of an anti hero archetype, but Lelouch fits the mold as well. The difference is that only one of them went closer to the villain border than the other. Also they both died. Anakin tho was the only one who needed redemption, bc his choices oh god his life choices are so horrible. Lelouch at least always remained more or less true to himself since the begging.

Anakin Skywalker started as an innocent bean who lived a harsh life as a slave alongside his mother. Then he was freed and offered with the chance to join the famous Jedi Order. In order to do that he had to leave his mother behind. Years later he reunited with the love of his life, his mom died and he had to fight in a civil war. Since he was like 9 he had a horrible sith lord in disguise whispering sweet poison into his ears, encouraging him to stick to his darker traits. Anakin was prideful, arrogant, quick to anger and a utter failure as a Jedi Knight, because he was never able to master the ability to let go of his attachments in a healthy way. For him it was all or nothing: those precious persons and his love for them weighting more than all institutions and the lives of the Order, the whole galaxy and even himself. When haunted by visions of his secret wife dying he decides to do EVERYTHING to avoid that particular future, pledging himself to the darkside on the promise of learning how to do sith magic that could save her. He renounced his vows as a Jedi, and lead himself the attack to the Jedi Temple with the objetive of wiping out every single one of them. He slaughtered them, even lil children and later the leaders of the other faction of the civil war. And he did it bc he couldn't allow his wife to die. When he thought she had betrayed him by bringing along his old mentor and friend in what he saw an attempt to kill him... he choked her. He force choked his pregnant wife. If that wasn't enough he then engaged in a duel to the death with his old mentor, where he lost all his limbs and was set on fire. Then he became a cyborg and took it as his mission to ensure the might of the new galactic empire was felt. The things he did during that time are unspeakable: genocide, torture, murder, endorsing slavery, you name it. Even when he discovered his son was alive his first instict was to convert him to the darkside and rule the galaxy together. Also he cut off his own sons arm. And tortured his daughter without knowing it was her.

BUT at the end he redeemed himself by choosing to save the life of his son and throwing his horrible mentor and slave master, the emperor, down a tube. He died peacefully in the arms of his son, finally able to do the right thing after more than twenty years of living as a monster. I cry.

Lelouch tho... he's just a 19 yo that commited suicide. As a child his mother was killed, his lil sister crippled and when he demanded answers from his father the emperor, was sent alongside his sister as political hostages to Japan. There the two of them lived as beggars in a shed. They befriend the son of the political figure who was hosting them... and then Japan was invaded. Bc of resources. The three children had to wander through a war raged countryside filled with destruction and corpses. Before parting ways with their friend Susaku (who also is just such a tragic figure) he vowed to one day destroy Britannia.

Years later they reunited and Lelouch mets a witch who gave him a supernatural power called geass, which allowed him to mind control people. He decides to use it to form a rebellion with the japanese people and extract his revenge. But things go horrible wrong: he accidentally killed civillians, including the father of a dear friend of his. An ex aquietance of C.C the witch hunts him down and left him with no other choice but to erase the memory of one of his friends. Also causes his old friend Suzaku to have a breakdown bc as a child he kinda killed his own father??? Suzaku btw joined up with the britannian army and pilots a special robot that always mess with Lelouchs terrorist plans. Then he accidentally gives a command to his half sister, resulting in her giving an order to genocide thousand of civillians bc he loses control over his powers. And decides to capitalise on that and use it to fuel the rebels. Also he kills her. The rebellion fails bc his long lost uncle kidnaps his sister and tells Suzaku that Lelouch was Zero the rebel. Then he gets mindfucked by the emperor, forgetting who he was and even his sister. Then C.C and the rebels find him and restore his memories but has to keep it a secret bc he doesn't know what the emperor could do to his missing sister. That and he has the secret service watching over his every move.

Long story short his second rebellion fails, his false brother dies, his sister apparently dies again, his troops betray him, and if that wasn't enough he discovers his mom wasn't dead but in cohorts with his father to enact a crazy plan to erase individuality and unite humanity as single entity. Also that his parents never loved him and his sister. He kills them and teams up with Suzaku and C.C to enact a fancy plan that involves him presenting himself as a devil and taking over the world, all in hopes of unifying humanity by becoming a symbol of hatred and all the bad things that ever happened. He launches atomic bombs, spills seas of blood and literally chains up his sister who hey was alive and opposing him bc you know he acted as a crazy villain. He also mindcontroled her. In the end he arranges his own suicide by having his best friend dressed as Zero kill him in front of the cameras, and dies in his sisters arms, universally hated by everybody. It's sad as fuck. At least the sequel movie fixed that so cheers?????

Thanks for asking!!!!

[highqueenofelfhame]

“In the drawing her mum and dad are waving to her where she stands on the other side of the picture and Aelin resists the urge to cover the picture or slide it away to where he can’t see. Auntie Mera had helped her write goodbye Fireheart next to her parents in black crayon and that’s where Rowan looks.”

NOT ME JUST REALIZING SHE DREW HER DEAD PARENTS SAYING BYE TO HER IM ACTUALLY CRYING

“Sometimes Aedion smells like Rowan too when he borrows a shirt or a jumper, but Aelin thinks it smells better just on Rowan.” IT SMELLS BETTER ON JUST ROWANSNNDKSSLS

“His green eyes are the same though, sparkling at her with his smile as they always used to do.” i’m so soft don’t look at me

“but Rowan has been hers for years now.” UR RIGHT AND YOU SHOUKD SAY IT AELIN

“Or maybe that’s his hand that’s stroking her side as he speaks, his fingers grazing the strip of her midriff that’s exposed setting her skin on fire as he talks to his friends. She’s touched him before, she’s known him for what feels like her entire life, but she’s never been touched by him like this before and it’s driving her crazy.” god i love this whole thing so much. all of this. it’s all so good. i just. i don’t have words

“Rowan slides onto a barstool and tugs Aelin in between his legs with a hand on her hip before slinging his arm casually around her shoulders. He’s not normally so physical, but Aelin knows he’s way past tipsy now and assumes that’s why he’s touching her so freely. It’s the notable absence of her cousin that allows Aelin to touch him the same way, leaning back to almost perch on his powerful thigh, the muscle beneath his tight jeans toned from years of skating. She lets her arm wander up across his shoulder to twist through the hairs at the base of his neck.” the way this is so casual just…. fuck. the way he doesn’t stop touching her for a single second WRECKS ME

“Rowan chokes on his beer and Aelin feels her left eyelid twitch.” I DIDNT CATCH HER EYELID TWOTCHING THE FIRST TWO TIMES ROUND AND THIS IS GOLD

in regards to the whole kiss in the spin the bottle— rowan barely kissed lyria. he REALLY WENT FOR IT with aelin. this boy was like this might be the only excuse i ever have to kiss this girl and i’m going to rUN WITH IT

“He uses the hand in her hair to pull her closer, cradling her head against his broad chest. “I know, me too.” He presses the gentlest of kisses to her hair. “But I’ll play games in Terrasen, and you don’t have long left in university, I know Mera and Gavriel would kill you but you could move to Adarlan too after that.” everything in this scene is so good i can hear the silence in the room, i can feel the movements he makes. all the little additions are just so ducking good

“Stop me if I’m going to do something really stupid.”

FUCK ITS HAPPENING ITS HAPPENING EVERYONE REMAIN CALM

“Aelin, it’s you. Nothing is holding me to Rifthold, everything I am is holding me to you.”

EVERYTHING I AM IS HOLDIN GME TO YOU??? MAAM WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO WEITE SOMETHINF SO STUNNING

Rowan is twenty-eight when he gets down on one knee. Aelin is twenty-five when she says yes.

literally in shambles every time i read thst last long goddammit it’s GOOD

this is my favorite rowaelin fic of all time and i’m not even a little sorry about it

Rowaelin Month - Day 1

prompt: I just realised I'm desperately in love with you

extras: childhood friends to lovers, brother's best friend

word count: accidentally 12k

title and vibes taken from me & you together song by the 1975

--

Aelin is five when Aedion brings home the boy with the silvery blond hair.

They come barging through the front door and into the kitchen where Aelin is colouring her picture at the island. They’re loud enough to startle the crayon out of Aelin’s hand and her Auntie Mera tuts at them from her position at the stove.

“Mum,” her cousin says in the voice Aelin knows he uses when he wants something. “Can Rowan stay for dinner?”

Aelin looks at the boy, Rowan, where he stands next to her cousin. He’s a little bit shorter than her cousin, which means he’s only a little bit taller than her even though he must be eight like Aedion. His hair is shorter than her cousin’s which means he must let his mum cut it, not like her cousin who refuses to sit still long enough for his mother to successfully wield the scissors. Rowan’s football kit is newer than Aedion’s too, the blue is bright where Aedion’s is faded from wear, and his trainers are barely muddy.

“Of course, my love, have you checked with your parents?” her auntie asks. At Rowan’s solemn nod she smiles. “Make sure you boys wash your hands first.”

Aedion darts out of the room faster than Aelin can blink but Rowan steps over to where she’s sat. He bends over and picks her crayon off the floor and hands it to her with slightly muddy, outstretched fingers. She thinks Aedion probably made him carry the football home, he always makes her do that when they play together.

“Is that your name?” he asks, looking at her picture. Aelin follows his gaze to look at her drawing.

In the drawing her mum and dad are waving to her where she stands on the other side of the picture and Aelin resists the urge to cover the picture or slide it away to where he can’t see. Auntie Mera had helped her write goodbye Fireheart next to her parents in black crayon and that’s where Rowan looks.

“My name is Aelin,” she says and Rowan’s green eyes crinkle as he smiles.

“Okay, Fireheart,” is all he says before he leaves the kitchen.

Auntie Mera laughs as she tells Aelin to clean up for dinner too.

By the time Aelin is eight, Aedion and Rowan are as close as brothers. He goes to football practice with Aedion every Saturday, he comes for dinner every Thursday when Aelin knows his mum can’t pick him up after school and he comes to the cinema with them every time her uncle Gavriel takes them.

Aelin likes Rowan fine, but she thinks she’s a little bit jealous of him.

When Aelin came to live with her auntie, uncle and cousin, Aedion had promised to be her best friend. He promised her that he would be her brother and that his mum and dad would be her mum and dad. She doesn’t want his mum and dad to be her mum and dad, she has a mum and dad, they just aren’t here, but she wants Aedion to be her brother.

Except now he has Rowan.

Aedion used to take her out to play in the garden, but now he spends all of his time with Rowan. They’re both taller than her and faster than her, so even when they do let her play she can’t keep up with them. Aedion messes with her hair when she complains and asks them to slow down. We’re not going to play for Terrasen when we grow up if we slow down Aelin, he tells her as if it’s obvious.

Rowan tries to make it better, stepping in between her and her cousin and reassuring her he doesn’t mind going slower or suggesting that she goes in goal but Aelin doesn’t like that either. They kick the ball too hard and it hurts her wrists.

She can hear them out in the garden now. It’s summer so her bedroom window is open while she practices and their voices drift in on the sweet, summer air and she can hear the soft tweeting of birds when the boys aren’t shouting.

Auntie Mera and Uncle Gavriel got her lessons for her eighth birthday along with a beautiful white piano. It’s a bit too big for her at the moment, she has to put a thick cushion on the stool to be at the right height and her fingers ache from stretching after she plays for too long but she loves it.

The tinkling notes of the Yulemas lullaby that she’s trying to learn keep being drowned out by Aedion and Rowan’s shouts from outside. A part of Aelin wishes she was outside with them, laughing and cheering and taunting but she doesn’t want to get mud in her hair. Uncle Gavriel won’t let either of them tackle her anymore but she knows Aedion would still try.

When the sounds of their chatter die down Aelin pushes back from the piano and wanders into the kitchen to find them standing at the fridge, scarfing down raspberries straight from the carton.

Aedion waves the carton at her. “Want some?”

There’s barely a handful left and Aelin steps over to take one out of Aedion’s hand and pops it into her mouth. She’s close to him and Rowan now and she can smell the grass they’ve been rolling around in. Her uncle mowed the lawn the other day and Rowan smells fresh and summery with an undercurrent of the smell she knows is Rowan.

Sometimes Aedion smells like Rowan too when he borrows a shirt or a jumper, but Aelin thinks it smells better just on Rowan.

“Didn’t feel like playing with us today?” Rowan asks her after he’s finished his bottle of juice and taken a seat on one of the stools at the counter. The seat on the left is all but his, they have their usual spaces. Aelin on the right, Rowan on the left and Aedion in the middle, it’s been that way ever since she’s known Rowan.

Aelin opens her mouth to answer but Aedion beats her to it as he slams the fridge shut. “She doesn’t play football with us anymore, she plays her piano.”

Rowan’s head jerks towards her. “That was you playing the piano?”

Aelin nods.

“I didn’t know you played the piano.”

Aelin cracks a smile. “I got lessons for my birthday.”

“It’s really annoying.” Aedion’s comment tears her eyes from Rowan. Aelin frowns until he pokes his tongue out at her. “You play all the time Aelin. I hear the same song over and over and over-”

“I don’t play it that often.”

“You do.”

Now it’s Aelin’s turn to poke her tongue out. “Whatever. You’re just jealous because I’m good at it. You got guitar lessons for your birthday last year and gave up basically straight away.”

Aedion shrugs, unfazed as ever, his mind never-straying from his one, singular focus. “I don’t need the guitar.” He says it like a dirty word. “The guitar is boring and slow, they make you spend weeks just playing one note before they even start teaching you songs. And anyway, I have football.”

Aedion has never once pretended that he’ll be anything other than a professional footballer. Aelin has no idea if he’s good enough but he plays all the time. In school, outside of school, at the weekends, with Rowan, without Rowan.

“Learning to play music isn’t boring,” Aelin scoffs. “You just weren’t good at it.”

“Same thing.” Aedion interjects as if it’s obvious, and to him it probably is.

Aelin feels her face tug into a frown. “It’s fun, I like practicing until I get it right.”

Aedion steps over to where she stands and throws his muddy arm around her shoulder that she immediately shrugs off. His face lights up and she knows she should have just left it. He begins to start his usual routine of pulling her hair or pinching her sides when Rowan’s voice cuts through the space between them.

“I’m sure you’re great, Aelin.”

Aedion is immediately distracted from his previous goal and focused on Rowan. Aelin shoots him a small smile that he returns, a thank you for saving her, and he offers her a little shrug. Any time he seems to say.

Uncle Gavriel built Aedion a tree house the summer after he turned fourteen. It very quickly became Aelin’s favourite place to spend her time, she could sit up there for hours reading or playing or listening to music on her iPod.

Sometimes Aedion brings his laptop up and they watch films together, tucked under some old blankets Auntie Mera found in their loft. Sometimes they sit up there for hours, talking until her skin is pebbled from the cold and Aedion’s stomach is rumbling.

She loves hearing him talk to her about high school, it seems so big and new and exciting and Aedion has made a lot of new friends. He’s still best friends with Rowan though, and half of their nights spent in the tree house are with Rowan too.

He’ll sit tucked under the same blanket on Aedion’s other side and Aelin gets a lot less popcorn when Rowan is there. He and her cousin eat so much now Auntie Mera complains sometimes about how she has to shop for food twice a week. She smiles as she says it and Aelin knows she loves having Rowan round.

Aelin does too.

He doesn’t treat her like the rest of Aedion’s friends. Two new ones she has met recently from the football team at his new school, Ren and Nox, looked at her weirdly when they came round to her house after their practice. She’d been picking at the notes on her new piano when they had come into the kitchen and as per her usual routine when Aedion and Rowan get home she had gone into the kitchen to see them.

Except this time there were two new faces who, while they weren’t unfriendly, didn’t talk to her the way Rowan did. They mumbled a hey when Aedion had introduced her as Aelin. He never specifies to people whether she’s his cousin or sister, because truthfully, she could be both. Aedion feels like he could be both to her, he’s the other side of her coin, and no matter how he chooses to relate to her, he’s her family.

Rowan had stopped his investigation of their fridge to ask her how her piano was going and didn’t laugh when she told him the songs she was learning. Aedion had laughed when she had first played the nursery rhyme for him, but Aelin likes it and the tune is harder to play than Aedion realises.

She likes to play her songs for her family, and her auntie and uncle shower her with applause every time she learns a new song and Aelin shines under their spotlight but she hasn’t played it for Rowan yet, every time he asks to hear her play she gets embarrassed and she’s not sure why. It’s only Rowan, she sees him almost as much as she sees Aedion.

She tugs one of her earphones out when she hears a thud and a muffled curse. She’s tucked away in the back corner of the tree house listening to Aedion’s iPod that she stole while he was out, he listens to angrier music than she does, songs with curse words that her auntie and uncle say aren’t appropriate for her yet.

She sits up when she hears footsteps on the wooden slats of the floor but relaxes when she hears a familiar sigh. As quietly as she can she wraps the headphones around Aedion’s iPod and tucks it into the pocket of her denim shorts, the summer is coming to an end, but the evenings are still warm enough for her to wear her shorts if she remembers a jumper.

She creeps around the corner and spots the back of Rowan’s head as he sits half hanging out of the entrance to the small cabin. Uncle Gavriel would kill him if he saw him hanging out the side of the tree house, Aedion almost fell out last summer and she’s never seen Uncle Gavriel so furious.

Rowan doesn’t turn as she creeps closer, too lost in whatever he’s staring at down in their garden. When she’s only two feet away from him she speaks.

“I am here you know.”

He jerks and lurches enough that her heart flies to her throat but he steadies himself quickly.

“Shit, Aelin. You scared me.”

Rowan looks comical with his wide eyes and a hand pressed to his chest as his breathing attempts to settle. He’s wearing one of his old football shirts, except now it’s stretched a bit tight over his shoulders. Aelin smiles. She knows he didn’t know she was there, it’s why she stayed quiet and picked her moment to scare him. The fact that he said a swear word tells her she really got him. Even though they’re fifteen now he and Aedion aren’t allowed to swear but they do it all the time when the adults aren’t around.

“I know,” she says simply as she takes her seat next to Rowan, swinging her own legs over the entry to the treehouse. Rowan’s feet hang far lower than hers do and his head still sits so much higher.

He’s had a growth spurt recently, he’s probably clear of six feet now which is even taller than Aedion and she knows that annoys her cousin. Aelin has to tilt her head upwards to meet his gaze.

“Aedion’s not here,” she says leadingly as she tilts her head to the side. “I think he’s out with a girl.”

He had asked his parents at dinner last night if his curfew could be extended to eleven and had told Aelin to shut it when she had asked if he was seeing a girl. Aelin had taken that to be a big fat yes.

Rowan huffs out a puff of air from his nose and there’s an amused look on his face as he glances down at his trainers. “I know.”

“Why are you here then?” Aelin can’t help but ask as she swings her legs back and forth, relishing in the cool breeze that brushes past her skin.

“So inviting, little Ashryver,” he says with a shake of his head and Aelin feels her cheeks heat at the nickname. “Being up here, at your house, it’s a good place to think.”

Aelin chews on her lip for a moment. Her auntie and uncle tell her over and over how to be polite and how to watch her boundaries but she’s nosy and she wants to know. “Aedion said your mum and dad are fighting.”

Rowan’s green eyes flick up to hers for a brief moment before they drop back to his shoes.

“They are,” he admits after a beat. “But that’s not why I’m here.”

Aelin takes his admission as permission to push him. “Why then?”

Rowan braces his hands either side of his hips, his long fingers curling around the edge of the wooden floor they both sit on. He opens his mouth but then closes it again.

Aelin isn’t sure what makes her say “I can keep a secret, you know.”

It’s definitely a smile that crosses Rowan’s face at her words, and her cheeks heat at the idea that he might be laughing at her.

“I’m sure you can.”

Aelin doesn’t know what to say to that but Rowan speaks again before she has to decide.

“I don’t know whether I want to play football anymore.” His voice is soft and she almost misses what he says.

“What?” she blurts.

All she has ever known of Rowan is him and Aedion dreaming of playing on the Terrasen national team together, she knows Aedion has visions of the two of them lined up in the green kit and she’s pictured it too. Aedion must be devastated.

Rowan shrugs as he watches where her feet still swing over the edge of the tree house.

“I think I really like hockey.”

It sounds like a guilty confession, but Aelin has been to the rink with him and Aedion and he’s really good at skating.

“Coach says he thinks I have an actual chance of playing hockey at a university.”

“That’s good,” Aelin says, still not sure why he wouldn’t want to play football anymore.

Rowan laughs softly. “I have to commit to hockey if that's what I want. It means practicing at least twice more a week and that wouldn’t leave time for football.”

Aelin gets it now. “Oh,” is all she can manage to say.

“Yeah,” Rowan says but he sounds unsure. They don’t often spend time together just the two of them without Aedion and she doesn’t think she expected it to be awkward, but she’s relieved to realise it isn’t.

“Does Aedion know?” is what she asks eventually.

Rowan shares a guilty half smile with her. So no then. Something in her chest that she tries desperately to ignore is very happy to have found something out from Rowan before Aedion. “I’m not sure how to tell him. He’ll be upset no matter how I tell him.”

Aelin chews her lower lip. She and Aedion are two sides to the same coin, it’s how she knows Rowan’s assessment is correct. Then she shrugs, it’s Rowan and Aedion, it will be fine. She throws out some wisdom she’s heard from grown ups a million times.

“As long as you’re honest with him he can’t be upset.”

She’s not sure how much it helps but Rowan turns to her and watches her for a beat, an intensity in his eyes that has her cheeks warming. Then he knocks his shoulder against hers, the warmth of his skin soaking into hers.

“Thanks, Fireheart,” he says with a small smile. “I’m sure you’re right.”

When she’s fourteen, Aedion and Rowan fall out.

It’s not about the hockey thing. Rowan told Aedion that last year and her brother actually wasn’t that annoyed. He made some comment about thanking the gods because now he wouldn’t have to pretend to suck so Rowan didn’t feel bad and was immediately over it.

This argument isn’t just something they can bury with a few minutes of scrapping in the garden either, there’s yelling and insults, landing lower than she thought either of them would go. There’s the slam of a door as Rowan leaves and later she’s not sure if Aedion’s eyes look a little red after he comes back inside from sitting on the porch with Gavriel.

Her brother falling out with his best friend shouldn’t shift her life the way she feels like it does. Her throat is dry at the thought that she might never see Rowan again and she realises a little too late she probably shouldn’t have seen Rowan as her friend too. If she’d stayed the way she should have, seeing him as her older brother’s friend only, she probably wouldn’t be this upset.

She sees Rowan in the hallway in school the next day and the final piece of her heart breaks when he tells her, “don’t ask, A. It’s between me and him.”

She doesn’t get it, can’t understand what could have possibly got between him and Aedion like this and she feels helpless.

She knows he goes to stay with his dad in Wendlyn for summer, but she hopes he comes back for school in September, hopes he doesn’t realise that living with his dad in Wendlyn is better than being here in Terrasen.

She hopes whatever has come between them isn’t too big for Rowan to come back.

Aelin is fifteen years old when Dorian Havilliard transfers to her school.

He’s tall with glossy dark hair and piercing blue eyes. He’s pretty and he knows it and Aelin kind of respects that.

She finds herself sitting next to him in English, Galathynius and Havilliard being next to each other in the register, and she expects him to be a dick. Except he’s not. He introduces himself the second she sits down, a charming smile slotted onto his pink lips and Aelin is sufficiently charmed.

An invitation to study together one night after school turns into a kiss. A chaste peck on his parents’ couch turns into his fingers tangling in her hair and his tongue ghosting along the seam of her lips and she loses herself in the magic of her first kiss.

It happens a few more times before she dares to bring it up to him. “Do you want to keep doing this?” she asks, “or do you want to just watch this film?”

His laugh is easy, as everything is with Dorian, and says “I was worried you’d never ask.”

He sits back and throws his arm around her shoulder as she hits play. That’s that and at least she has a new friend.

Dorian throws a party when she’s sixteen and she meets his friend from his old school, Chaol. He’s a year older and kind of serious but his brown eyes seem to smoulder in the dim lighting and the hand he places on her waist is broad and warm.

When he kisses her she doesn’t tell him to stop. She likes it, more than she did with Dorian. When his hand slides under the hem of her skirt all that pulses through her is a feeling of wanting and she twists her hands into his closely cropped hair and kisses him harder.

They stumble into a bedroom that might be Dorian’s, she’s not sure, and he peels her clothes off as she tugs his off. Her hands are steady, this might be new but she knows she wants this. He kisses her gently and at the first touch of his hand she tenses, but then he kisses her again, tells her how beautiful she is and she relaxes.

It doesn’t hurt the way she expected it to, Chaol is patient and kind, checking in with her every time he makes a new move, everytime he goes a step further which she appreciates. It’s not perfect, she doesn’t think she comes, but when he kisses her on the forehead after they’re done she thinks she could have done a lot worse.

She doesn’t see Chaol again after that, she didn’t expect nor want to, but the memory is there. She enjoys gossiping with Lysandra and Elide about how it went down far more than the actual experience but she doesn’t regret it.

One day when she’s seventeen, she hurries home from school because she knows Aedion will be back from university. She hasn’t seen him since Yulemass and she’s missed him despite the fact she would never tell him.

She races through the front door, kicking her shoes in the vague direction of their shoe rack and launching her bag at the stairs as she flies through the hallway to the kitchen where she knows he’ll be.

When she arrives in the doorway she slams to a stop in sheer shock at what she sees. Aedion and Rowan sat at the breakfast bar, laughing and joking as if the last three years never happened.

The shock clearly short-circuits her brain because it’s Rowan she launches herself at.

“Rowan,” she cries. “What are you doing here?”

She’s breathless but she can still recognise the broadness of his shoulders beneath her fingertips and can feel the warmth of his arms returning her embrace. She pulls back after a couple of seconds, ready to demand her answer but her words get lost at the sight of him.

Twenty is a good look on Rowan. He’s tanned and glowing, he looks healthy and well-rested. His body has filled out while his face has slimmed down, settling into the sharp edges of a man compared to the soft lines of a boy she last knew.

His green eyes are the same though, sparkling at her with his smile as they always used to do.

“Some dickhead decided not to be a dick anymore,” he flexes his fingers at her waist before letting go and she realises too late she should probably unwrap her arms from his shoulders.

It’s been years, she thinks she’s allowed a full minute of a hug.

She turns to Aedion at his scoff and feels her smile expand at the sight of her brother.

“I always knew he was your favorite,” Aedion says with a slight edge in his voice, but it’s gone when he speaks again. “Whatever,” Aedion continues. “I guess I’ll just get going then, back to uni where I apparently belong.”

“Shut up, you shit,” Aelin laughs and hears Rowan’s laugh echo hers. “I’ll send you back if you’re only here to complain.”

Aedion laughs as he tugs her into a hug. Instead of wrapping and warming her up like Rowan, Aedion musses her hair and tries to kick out her ankles until she’s half-squealing, half gasping for breath through her laughter.

With Rowan calling out scores as she wrestles Aedion in a way that they’re definitely too old for she feels a part of herself lift. This is what she's been missing for a while, and it feels good to have her two boys back together.

Aelin is eighteen when she bumps into Rowan at a university house party.

He’s stood across the room from her talking with a group of people, and he’s not spotted her yet but she noticed him immediately. She saw him the moment she walked into the kitchen, her eyes immediately drawn to the silver of his hair and the pull of his t-shirt across his broad shoulders. He’s laughing along with the group, a red cup in his left hand that she assumes is filled with some half-warm beer.

She’s missed him while he’s been away at university and she didn’t know she’d see him when she agreed to come and visit Elide at Bellhaven University. She had optimistically dreamed of bumping into him and had sent him a text saying guess who’s coming to bellhaven next week :))).

To which he had replied hope it’s Aedion followed by text me if you want to do something but she hadn’t actually thought she’d bump into him.

She focuses on fixing her drink as she watches the dark-haired girl with her hand curled possessively around Rowan’s bicep. She’s a few inches shorter than Aelin and a whole lot shorter than Rowan, the top of her pretty head not even reaching his shoulder. She’s smiling prettily up at him in a white dress and a pretty pink lipstick. Aedion hadn’t said anything about a girlfriend the last time she spoke to him, and he only visited a few weeks ago so if what’s happening there is something it can only be new.

She’s getting ahead of herself.

She finds a bottle of vodka and an unopened bottle of coke and pours them into a glass, careful not to make her drink too strong. She takes a long drink, enjoying the way the sweet liquid fizzes behind her teeth. Lysandra would turn her nose at the sugar but Aelin has always had a sweet tooth.

Rowan still hasn’t spotted her and the girl at his side is hanging onto his every word. She’s not surprised to discover Rowan gets attention from girls at university, he's gorgeous and Aelin has known this for years. What is a surprise is the dark twisting of anger in her stomach, the bitterness in her throat as the girl’s fingertips trail a path up his arm to run along the collar of his t-shirt.

Rowan is her friend.

She should probably be surprised at the possessiveness that strikes through her at the thought, but Rowan has been hers for years now.

Aelin takes another swig of her drink, allowing the warmth of the alcohol to settle into her stomach. She pushes off the counter to make her way over to where Rowan is standing. She’s a few feet away when he spots her and she watches his face as it flickers from surprise to a wide smile, flashes of his sharp canines shining in the coloured light.

He pushes away from the group and moves towards her until he’s stood directly before her, crossing the room with the sleek, powerful steps of the athlete he is. Aelin doesn’t miss the way he shrugs out of the girl’s hold without so much as a thought and a curl of satisfaction settles within her stomach.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, his voice low in her ear as he wraps his broad arms around her in a hug. She’s missed the sound of his voice, even after living in Orynth for the past decade the way his voice wraps around his vowels takes her over the sea to Wendlyn.

Aelin melts into the feeling of him wrapped around her, throwing her own arms around his neck. She’s probably missed this, the feeling of him pressed against her, just as much as she’s missed his voice. The brunette is watching them with a pinched expression and Aelin ignores her, closing her eyes as she buries her face in Rowan’s shoulder. She breathes in the scent of him, there’s something heavenly about the way he smells. Pine trees and cool wind with something sharp and manly mixed in there too.

He draws back too soon, his silver brows still raised in a question.

Aelin only smirks. “I told you I was coming to Bellhaven.”

“I know that, smart arse” he tells her with a pinch of her waist. “What are you doing here?”

Aelin rolls her eyes, she has her connections.

“Elide got an invite through some guy in her seminar.”

She looks to the doorway as if her best friend would suddenly appear. They did agree to meet in the kitchen and Aelin should probably go looking if she doesn’t appear soon. “Who am I to turn down a party?”

Rowan shakes his head and eyes her drink. “Or free drinks?”

“Fuck off.” The smile on her face is nothing if not wicked. “It’s legal, don’t be on me like Aedion, every time I so much as go near alcohol it’s like he thinks I’m still five. I’m surprised he’s never actually slapped a drink out of my hand.”

“I wouldn’t dream of treating you like that,” Rowan swears.

He smiles at her like this is a secret, talking to her about Aedion this way with his hands still warm on her waist.

“I should hope not, he’s worse than Uncle Gavriel.”

Rowan snorts a laugh, more than used to her uncle’s protective nature, before he lets his eyes drop to her feet and then back up the length of her body. His gaze shouldn’t heat her blood the way it does, but he’s never held her for so long, or talked to her so freely. She’s on a high of Rowan without the damper Aedion usually provides. It’s dangerous.

He blinks but Aelin doesn’t miss the way his eyes have darkened. Gods, this is Rowan.

He clears his throat and drops his hands from her waist. “Let me introduce you to everyone.”

Everyone turns out to be a group of four other people. There are two guys from the hockey team who stand way over her head, looking down as Rowan introduces her as Aelin, no mention of her cousin or how he knows her. She’s just Aelin.

The winger, Fenrys, has bronzed skin and his hair falls in perfect blond curls that look impossibly soft. His smiles come easy and his conversation even easier in contrast to the goalie Lorcan. He’s impossibly tall and everything about him is dark. All he offers her at her introduction is a sharp nod which she’d be offended at but it means Rowan leans closer to whisper, his warm breath tickling her ear.

“He’s like that with everyone,” he says. “Took him a week to speak to me after we met and even then it was only to curse me for scoring against him in practice.”

She smirks up at him, allowing herself to lean back into Rowan as he introduces her to the others in the group. It’s two girls, one named Essar who is lovely but for some reason glued to Lorcan’s side. He must be incredible in bed to make up for his personality. The other girl, the one who was glued to Rowan’s side before he noticed Aelin, is Lyria.

She’s nothing but friendly to Aelin, but there’s a tightness to her smile that lets Aelin know she’s unhappy that Aelin is now tucked under Rowan’s arm that she held before. And screw her if Aelin doesn’t lean into that arm, content to let the conversation flow around her as she basks in her first taste of this Rowan.

Rowan is Rowan, she knows him and has known him for far longer than the years she didn’t, but here surrounded by this group of people he feels different. Or maybe that’s his hand that’s stroking her side as he speaks, his fingers grazing the strip of her midriff that’s exposed setting her skin on fire as he talks to his friends. She’s touched him before, she’s known him for what feels like her entire life, but she’s never been touched by him like this before and it’s driving her crazy.

Elide finds them not long later, coming into the kitchen with flushed cheeks and a dotting of sweat along her forehead.

“There are a lot of people in the basement,” is all she says by way of explanation. Lorcan actually laughs, a dark rumbling sound, at that as if it means something to him. Rowan only shrugs at her, just as bewildered at the display.

Elide slides into the conversation naturally, letting Fenrys know her strong opinions on whether beer can be used as a mixer for spirits–it cannot–and the members of the group slide around to make room for the petite girl.

Rowan slides onto a barstool and tugs Aelin in between his legs with a hand on her hip before slinging his arm casually around her shoulders. He’s not normally so physical, but Aelin knows he’s way past tipsy now and assumes that’s why he’s touching her so freely. It’s the notable absence of her cousin that allows Aelin to touch him the same way, leaning back to almost perch on his powerful thigh, the muscle beneath his tight jeans toned from years of skating. She lets her arm wander up across his shoulder to twist through the hairs at the base of his neck.

Elide watches the motion and very clearly arches a brow at Aelin. She shakes her head. Elide will not let that go later, and will likely make the Spanish inquisition look like a casual enquiry, but for now Aelin wants to enjoy it.

“Aelin.” Her name out of Fenrys’ mouth drags her attention back to the conversation.

“Sorry, what?” She says before taking a sip of her drink. It’s warm now, and almost empty, but getting another would mean stepping away from Rowan.

“I asked why I’ve never seen you at a game of ours before.”

Fenrys’ smile is deceptively innocent and out of the corner of her eye she notes Lyria’s stiff posture.

Aelin shrugs. “I’ve never been invited.”

Rowan scoffs but she continues. “I actually go to university in Terrasen, it’s a pretty long trip to get here just for a hockey game.”

“Uh huh,” Fenrys nods, finding some amusement somewhere in Aelin’s explanation.

“University of Orynth?” Essar asks and Aelin smiles at the girl.

“Yeah,” she agrees, enjoying Essar’s friendly question. She knows Rowan’s friends are probably intrigued as to who this random first year is that their friend is now draped all over. “I’m in my first year.”

“It’s lovely there,” Essar smiles. “My sister graduated last year.”

“It is,” Aelin says, easily lost in the thoughts of her university.

She had wanted to stray further afield like Rowan and Aedion had but the music programme at the University of Orynth had been far too distinguished to overlook. She’s happy there now, and she moved out of her auntie and uncle’s house to live the true university experience even if she is in a city she’s known her whole life.

“So, Aelin.” Lyria’s voice is as soft as a petal dropping from a flower, but her words hold a bite she doesn’t expect. “How do you know our Rowan?”

Our Rowan?

She feels as though her brain stalls at the two words smashed together.

Our Rowan?

Her top lip peels back from her teeth into what can only appear as a snarl. “I’ve known Rowan almost my whole life,” she says. “We grew up together.”

“How sweet,” Lyria coos, clasping her hands together. “So you’re like brother and sister?”

Rowan chokes on his beer and Aelin feels her left eyelid twitch.

“No, Gods, no,” Rowan manages once he’s finished choking and Aelin doesn’t know why it feels like relief settling in her stomach. “Her brother is my best friend. You guys know Aedion, he’s visited before.”

The rest of the group nod and the conversation moves onto sports and some other things Aelin doesn’t care about. She’s reeling from the dryness in her mouth at the thought of Rowan as her brother.

She’s never thought of him as brotherly, but he’s been one of her best friends for years. Maybe it’s because she struggled with who Aedion was to her for so long. The blurred line between brother and cousin too murky to even deal with what Rowan was to her.

She banishes the thought, Rowan is Rowan and she doesn’t need to think any more about it.

She enjoys the rest of her night until she decides she hates Fenrys.

“Spin the bottle,” he announces, slamming his now empty beer bottle onto the kitchen counter between them all. “No excuses, no escapes. You kiss who the bottle lands on or you forfeit. I’ll let you in on a secret, the forfeit involves cleaning this house tomorrow morning and bringing me breakfast.”

He pauses dramatically. “And before any of you think the forfeit isn’t so bad, I’d like to let you know this house has three bathrooms and all of them have been puked in at least twice already tonight.”

Aelin winces, she’d rather kiss even Lyria at this point than clean up after that.

“How do you even know that?” she hears Lorcan mutter and muffles her own laughter.

“My turn first,” Fenrys announces as he spins the bottle, ignoring Lorcan.

It whizzes quickly, running through the group of them surrounding the counter before slowing and landing pointing at Elide.

Her friend blushes, a deep, pretty pink and Aelin flashes her a thumbs up as Fenrys takes her face in his hands and plants a smacking kiss against her lips. He pulls back after only a second and winks at Elide who somehow manages to blush even deeper. Aelin grins even harder. Elide has definitely not kissed a boy like Fenrys before.

“Your turn now, Ellie,” Fenrys announces and her best friend steps up confidently to spin the bottle.

Aelin shares a look with Rowan when the spout points towards Lorcan. Rowan only grins, his smile a little soft at the edges under the effects of his beer. She’s never seen Rowan like this before and she thinks she likes it.

The game carries on, somehow managing to get more and more awkward as the spins go on. Lorcan has to kiss Rowan and Rowan has to kiss Essar who has to kiss Lyria and so on.

Aelin holds herself back from crossing her fingers when Lyria spins the bottle. She should have given into the temptation is all she can think when the bottle lands on Rowan. The bottle appears to favour her friend.

Lyria struts around the circle until she stands in front of Rowan and Aelin carefully puts some distance between the two of them, leaning away from his side as Lyria places her hand on his chest. Rowan keeps his hands at his sides, she notes not without satisfaction.

Aelin can’t drag her eyes away as Lyria leans in and pressed her lips to Rowan’s.

It’s weird.

She’s never really seen Rowan with girls before but he’s always been handsome so she assumes he’s not completely unfamiliar. The kiss lasts for a few seconds, but feels like an age. Aelin hears the hoots from Fenrys and her mind dares to suggest that maybe, for Rowan’s friends here, this doesn’t elicit feelings of discomfort. For his friends here this could be something that’s been a long time coming.

Rowan pulls back from Lyria after a few seconds, still clutching his beer in his hand and his hand comes up to brush his lips. Aelin looks away and her gaze falls to Lyria, wearing a pretty little smile that looks a little too smug as she turns past Aelin to make her way back to her spot.

“Alright, big boy,” Fenrys announces, “your turn.”

He places the bottle in front of Rowan who drains his drink and steps forward to the counter. Aelin leans back, focusing on her own drink as Rowan sets the bottle into a quick spin. She can’t watch it spin, this is weird, this is Rowan.

It begins to slow at Fenrys, it clears Lorcan and Essar and Lyria. Aelin forces her own smug smile into her cup. The bottle appears to stop at Elide, but it doesn’t quite slow in time. Aelin blinks at the neck of the bottle.

Her cheeks heat at the realisation she’d been readying herself for. She has to kiss Rowan. Well, Rowan has to kiss her.

Shit. She swallows. What if Rowan would rather clean the entire house tomorrow than kiss her?

She’s not sure she wants to hear that.

“No,” she laughs, turning to Elide.

Elide, who is apparently a traitor.

“You have to,” her friend urges, wide-eyed, “or you’ll forfeit.”

“Kiss her,” Fenrys shouts and she finally turns to Rowan.

She can’t name the look in his eyes as he shrugs at her, his lips curled into an almost shy smile. He’s so close to her, his face only inches away.

“Come here,” he says, curling his hand around the back of her neck. “It’s just a kiss.”

“Just a kiss,” she repeats in a whisper before his lips are on hers.

Aelin didn’t expect kissing Rowan to feel so… nice. His lips are firm against hers and he clearly knows what he’s doing. His lips caress hers, gently at first before gaining confidence as he kisses her more surely. His hand tilts her head up as his lips part her own and she lifts her arms to his shoulders.

His other hand finds her waist and she leans into him as his tongue meets hers. He tastes like his beer and a hint of mint and Rowan and she’s surprised to find she wants more. Her hands twist into his hair, holding him more firmly to her as she dares to taste his lower lip.

Her chest is rising rapidly, each deep breath bringing her closer to Rowan and further into the circle of his arms. The path of his hand down her spine shouldn’t send sparks curling into her core but it does as he holds her even tighter to him than she thought possible.

It’s not that she’s never imagined kissing Rowan before, she’s had weird dreams before where she wakes up and spends a day being awkward around him before confirming he can’t read her mind and doesn’t know she woke up sweaty having dreamed of him and his lips and his hands.

It’s weird she knows this.

She pulls back slightly to draw a breath and becomes acutely aware of the cheers surrounding them. She risks a glance at Rowan and finds him with pink cheeks and a mischievous grin as he presses his lips to her forehead before drawing her into his chest.

Aelin doesn’t know what that was.

She kissed Rowan.

And she didn’t hate it.

Weird.

The next summer, when she’s almost twenty, she, Aedion and Rowan take a road trip.

Rowan and Aedion have graduated from university and they have these final few weeks of summer before they’re off into the big bad world, Rowan to Rifthold where he was drafted to play the minute he got his degree, and Aedion across to the southern continent, to travel and ‘see all the exciting shit’ he needs to before ‘life gets real’.

She’s going to miss them both so much her chest feels as though it physically aches each time she thinks about it. It will be different than when they were in university, she knew they weren’t gone for good and always had the date set for the next time they’d be back. This is different. They’re actually leaving her.

Rowan is driving, one hand braced against the wheel, the other resting casually on the gear stick. She watches as the wind drifting in from the open window tickles the fine, silver hairs scattered down his forearms, trailing up the thick cords of muscle and prominent veins. His long fingers tap rhythmically to the song Aedion has queued from his position in the passenger seat.

The reason they’re taking this trip, their goodbye, is a little bit sad, but sitting here in the back of Aedion’s Jeep, she’s not sure she’s ever felt so content.

Aelin lets herself slumber, lulled away by the vibrations of the road beneath the tyres and she’s awoken by the slowing of the car as Rowan pulls into a parking space outside their motel.

There’s quiet, she knows all three of them are drinking in each and every moment of this, scared to be without it, as they make their way into the room.

There’s a double bed and a sofa bed, as there has been in each of their rooms so far and they’ve been rotating who takes the sofa bed, the other two taking the actual bed with a mattress. It’s Aedion’s turn on the sofa bed tonight.

The night is fading fast, and they have a long day tomorrow, so they settle up quickly. It’s mere minutes before Aedion is snoring softly and she holds in her snort so as not to wake Rowan. It’s taking her longer than usual to fall asleep, the knowledge that Rowan is close enough she can feel his warmth, when soon he’ll be half a continent away.

She rolls onto her side only to find him wide awake and we winces almost guiltily at being caught. She cocks a brow.

“Can’t sleep?” she whispers into the dark even though the answer is obvious.

“No,” he whispers back, his voice gravelly and her toes curl. He has a nice voice, one she’ll miss hearing often. She’ll have to call him all the time. “Feels like everything is a bit too much to sleep,” he continues. “I don’t know how he falls asleep so easily.”

He nods his head to the other side of the room where Aedion sleeps and she snorts, a little too loud they both pause until Aedion’s snoring resumes.

“Nothing could keep him from sleeping,” she says fondly. “Not even the fact that this is one of the last nights we have together.”

She means for it to be a joke but her tone dips at the end, and so does Rowan’s expression.

“We’ll see each other again soon,” Rowan says, a whisper of hope in his tone that Aelin clings to.

She rolls forwards, tucking the duvet beneath her chin, and Rowan resettles as well, tucking himself closer to her on his pillow.

“Definitely,” she agrees. “You two are inseparable, I’d like to see the universe try and keep you two apart. Even after whatever that fight was about years ago you were back together again in no time.”

Rowan again looks guilty and he quietly clears his throat. She loves how comfortable he looks tucked up opposite her, his silver hair smashed into the pillow and one of his green eyes half hidden in the pillow. She’ll miss seeing this in person so often.

“Yeah,” he says. “Did he ever tell you what that was about?”

“No,” she says, trying to sound casual. “I’m assuming I’ll find out in approximately five seconds.”

Rowan laughs softly in the darkness, another sound she’ll miss so intensely. She’s made sure to take as many videos as she can on this trip, capturing as many moments with Rowan as she can before he’s gone.

He buries his face into the pillow and groans. Something in her stomach rolls at the sound but she ignores it. Since their kiss last year she’s ignored that part of her brain (and body) that is now very attracted to Rowan. She knows she needs to get over it, she can’t help but think that she’d probably end up somewhat attracted to any guy she spends this much time with. Rowan’s objectively gorgeous, she’d be blind not to, and it’s not like she’s had many other options recently.

He mutters something into the pillow.

“What?” she hisses, leaning closer to him.

Another moaned word she can’t make out.

She shuffles even closer and rests her face on his pillow. “Tell me.”

He lifts his face and shit they’re close now. His short breaths fan out across her face and his nose skims hers, he’s almost too close for her eyes to focus. But he doesn’t pull back and neither does she.

“You,” he whispers.

“What?”

“You,” he repeats as if that’s going to make any of it make sense.

“Me?”

“Gods, Aelin. Yes, how many times do I need to say it?”

Enough for it to make sense? She’s still not following.

“Why would you fall out over me?”

“Aelin.” His utterance of her name is low, so low her stomach curls again, and he leans closer, his knee brushing her thigh beneath the covers.

“It’s stupid,” he says.

“I’m sure it’s not.”

“It is,” he affirms to her. “Before you judge me, I know it’s dumb.”

“I know you two are idiots, okay? Just spit it out.” Her mind is running away to awful places now.

“There was a game of fuck, marry, kill with some of the lads from school. Vaughan put it to me; you, Nesryn Faliq and Kaltain Rompier.”

“Okay,” she says slowly, still not sure how this led to the great fall-out.

“I said I’d marry you.”

Her breath leaves her in a gust, she watches Rowan’s eyes flutter shut as it does.

“I’m sorry,” he says when she doesn’t speak. “There’s no way to not be a dick in that situation, I shouldn’t have even answered.”

“But why did Aedion fall out with you?”

He shrugs and the movement jostles her even closer to him. Rowan braces a hand at her hip to keep her steady. She swallows. The heat of his hand burns through her thin pyjamas.

“You were fourteen, his little sister, I’d said I would marry you and then wouldn’t take it back.”

“You wouldn’t take it back? Why? Did he ask you to?”

“Yeah,” he laughs, his thumb stroking gently back and forth across her hip. It’s insanely distracting but she wants this story in full. “He was pissed, said he’d rather I killed you than fucked you or married you.”

She’s glad it’s dark so he can’t see the blush his words bring on.

“But I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t take it back even then.”

“Why?” Her final question is an almost silent whisper.

“You’re one of my best friends, you know that, Aelin.”

She didn’t and it’s pure ecstasy to hear.

“You’re one of mine too, Rowan.”

For so long she’s seen Aedion and Rowan as a pair she’s ignored all of the times she and Rowan have been a pair. He’s been there throughout her entire life. For as long as she can remember there’s memories of green eyes and the scent of pine and snow. She doesn’t know where she’d be without him.

He speaks again, seemingly spilling over with words to say. “I’ll miss you so much while I’m away.”

Aelin reaches her own hand to gently stroke his shoulder. Her hand slides up until it almost caresses his neck. She thinks no matter what happens next, in all of their years to come, she’ll always have this moment with her best friend.

“I’ll miss you too, I don’t know what I’ll do when you’re gone.”

She doesn’t leave out the word both on purpose, but it’s not there, and she’s only talking to Rowan here, wrapped up in this surprisingly comfy motel bed.

He takes a deep breath, the movement shifting his hand from her hip to her lower back. She’ll miss that too when it’s gone.

It’s almost immediately gone as he lifts the hand to brush a strand of hair back from her face, tucking it behind her ear. She thinks she prefers that touch, she can’t be sure.

“You’ll fucking kill it, Fireheart,” he says. “The same way you do with everything.”

Her heart is so fucking full at his words and she smiles a teary smile.

“I’m going to miss you,” she says again.

He uses the hand in her hair to pull her closer, cradling her head against his broad chest. “I know, me too.” He presses the gentlest of kisses to her hair. “But I’ll play games in Terrasen, and you don’t have long left in university, I know Mera and Gavriel would kill you but you could move to Adarlan too after that.”

“You’d want that?” she says, surprised. “You wouldn’t be annoyed if Aedion’s little sister followed you?”

His thumb tilts her chin up so she’s looking into his eyes. “I don’t see you as Aedion’s little sister.”

Speak of the devil, rustling sounds from his side of the room and she and Rowan pause, staying silent. Aedion appears to roll over again and settle into sleep, but this doesn’t feel like a conversation for him. Rowan agrees and pulls back from her. She misses the touch, wants to fall asleep trapped in the circle of his arms so she can remember the way he smells before he’s gone.

“We should sleep,” he says.

“Yeah,” she agrees as she settles back onto her own pillow, ignoring how cold it feels. “See you in the morning.”

“Night,” he whispers and closes his eyes.

Their conversation from the night before plays on repeat in her head all of the next morning as the three of them get breakfast in a small roadside cafe. This is their last full day of driving before they’re done and the guys are off to their real lives while Aelin is back to university.

I don’t see you as Aedion’s little sister.

She knows he probably just meant he sees her as a friend, but his words stick in her mind, as if there’s something more to uncover within them. She mulls them over again as she sits in the back of the car as Rowan fills the car with petrol and Aedion gets snacks.

The morning sun is behind him, the golden rays shining through his silver strands, illuminating him in a way that brightens him, immortalises him, highlights him. It’s a stunning sight to see. The way his eyes crinkle as he banters with Aedion and the way his teeth catch the light as he smiles a wide smile.

She fucking loves that smile.

She doesn’t want to be apart from him. She doesn’t know how she can survive with him living so far away. She’ll be fucking lost without him. Incomplete. She loves everything about that man far too much to let him go.

And holy fucking shit.

She loves Rowan.

Aelin is in love with Rowan.

From the curl of his lips when she’s being a little shit and he’s trying not to laugh, to the way he loves her brother almost as much as she does. From the thrill his touch ignites underneath her skin to the laughter he pulls out of her.

She fucking loves him. Desperately so. She doesn’t know how she hasn’t realised this earlier, before it was too late.

And the love that had bubbled up so fantastically settles like lead in her stomach.

No matter that she’s finally realised the name of how she feels about Rowan, it doesn’t change the fact that he’s leaving. Leaving to follow his dream.

It also doesn’t change the fact that he’s never given her so much of an inkling that he feels the same way.

I don’t see you as Aedion’s little sister.

Wait.

No.

She shakes her head, catching Rowan’s attention and he raises an eyebrow at her through the car window. She loves how he even notices the slightest change in her, silently, and without notification.

She shakes her head as if to say, nothing, don’t worry about it, and she loves how he pauses, scanning her face looking for anything to cause a concern before turning back to her brother, satisfied she seems to be okay.

Aelin loves Rowan and hates how he can’t know.

He’s leaving soon and she can’t risk losing him forever over this.

Aelin is twenty-one, almost twenty-two, and Rowan is fucking famous.

It’s weird as shit that on her graduation day it’s all about Rowan. Hordes of her classmates and their families are all over him, asking for an autograph here and a photograph there. It’s wild, and it takes her twenty minutes after her ceremony finishes to finally get her own photograph with him.

Her auntie takes it with tears in her eyes before yelling at Aedion to get on her other side.

He’s still Rowan to her, no matter that he’s now some crazy-famous hockey player. He’s still Rowan and she’s still desperately and hopelessly in love with him.

He doesn’t know, and she’s not sure how she could ever tell him. She can’t risk losing him.

The last year has been one of her hardest. Harder than the years she went without him before. She thinks she probably loved him then, but just didn’t know, and it’s harder to have him so far out of reach now that she knows how she feels.

They talk on the phone regularly, calling a couple of times a week, and it’s always hard to say goodbye, holding back the words she so desperately wants to say.

Now he’s here in front of her, his hand curled around her waist, so close for the first time in months it's somehow even harder to keep the words held back. She doesn’t know what she’s going to do soon, once she’s in the same city as him, living only streets away from each other again.

She didn’t take the job in Rifthold to follow him, it was truly the best offer she had, but she can’t deny that Rowan is a plus to taking the job. Each message he had sent her, offers of things they could do together once she was there had been a stab to the heart.

All of the suggestions she had been able to picture them doing together, holding hands strolling down the streets together, him kissing her by the river, making love to her in his fantastically big flat, as she’d drown in his silk sheets and adoration.

She’s totally fucked if she’s honest.

If it was just a crush she thinks it would be gone by now, and it wouldn’t have gone further than just imagining a kiss or a fuck. But nope, she dreams of waking up beside him, holding his hand, cheering him on from the stands, wearing his jersey, little green-eyed, blonde-haired children.

Aelin feels fucking crazy with it.

And he has no idea.

He posts the photo of the two of them on Instagram with the caption, I told you you’d fucking kill it.

She stares at it for far longer than she should, and then makes the image her phone background. No one has to know.

Aelin is twenty-three and her life is almost perfect.

The Rifthold Symphony Orchestra is more than she could have ever dreamed, she adores that she gets the opportunity to play music for people and that she can sustain herself and flourish by doing so. She’s proud she made it this far. She couldn’t have done it without the support of her loved ones.

She misses her family, misses seeing them more often than just major holidays, but the blow is sweetened by the amount she gets to see Rowan.

He’s busy, obviously, but whenever he has free time she finds herself on his couch, or him on hers, or across from her in a restaurant or whatever. She spends her time with him.

They see each other more now than they ever did when they were kids, and it doesn’t help her situation. In fact, each time she sees him, each time his green eyes sparkle in her direction, or his gentle laugh sends shivers down her spine she thinks she falls a little more in love with him.

It’s almost painful to hold back now, the words are forever on the tip of her tongue when she’s around him, and even when she’s not. Every time he drops round to her flat with a coffee, every time he takes her for dinner in restaurants that are way out of her price range. Every time he falls asleep on her sofa, tired from practice, she wants to kiss his hair, wants to run a hand along his broad shoulders, wants to curl up in his arms, wants to whisper those three little words.

She wants so desperately for him to whisper them back.

Instead she makes do with the parts of Rowan she has, her best friend, and she knows at this point she’s his. It’s not a competition between her and Aedion, but she does love it.

The only relief she has is that he doesn’t seem to date. She’s not sure why he doesn’t, she knows he has the option to, the number of girls that throw themselves at him is crazy, but for some reason he seems indifferent, tells her he’d rather eat pizza with her, ignoring his nutritionist, than go out with some girl he doesn’t know.

She never pushes him too hard to go, she’s too selfish for that.

Things change when a team in Wendlyn express their interest in signing Rowan.

She’s known she’s loved him for years now and as much as it will break her heart, maybe some space is for the best. She can try her hardest to move on once he leaves, even if she knows her attempts will be futile. No one will ever compare to Rowan Whitethorn.

It’s the closest the two of them have ever been to an argument in the eighteen years she’s known him.

“I can’t understand why you won’t even consider it, Rowan.” Her chest is heaving a little bit and her voice is definitely raised.

“You don’t have to understand, Aelin,” he says, sounding resigned from his place against the kitchen counter. “It’s my decision to make.”

Aelin stops her pacing to face him fully. He’s so fucking gorgeous, all golden skin and toned muscle. It’s highlighted by the soft kitchen lighting and she is so in love with him and so furious at him.

“I don’t want you to hold yourself back, it’s an incredible opportunity,” she says slowly, even though she knows he already knows.

He runs a hand over his face, tired of this conversation.

“I’m not holding myself back, I know how good of an opportunity it is. I know how insane the comp package is, I know I’d get to captain the side over there and still none of that matters. I don’t want to be in Wendlyn.”

His voice is calm, so strong in his decision, and she just can’t understand. She loves how secure in himself he is.

“Why?” she asks, her own voice so quiet. “What is it holding you back? What is so special about Rifthold?”

Rowan is silent for so, so long. So long Aelin doesn’t know what to do with herself, she doesn’t know if he’s even going to answer. Eventually, he pushes himself off the counter and comes around to stand in front of her.

His fists are curled up at his sides, a tension running through his strong body that she’s never seen before. He steadies himself, settling his jaw and stepping forward until he’s so close to her she has to tilt her head back to look him in the eye.

“Aelin,” he says with a groan, curling his hand around the back of her neck. “You want to know why I want to stay in Rifthold?”

Aelin nods almost imperceptibly, afraid if she moves too much or too quickly this scene will vanish. His eyes run across her face, cataloguing every minor detail of her expression. He takes a deep breath and Aelin’s heart stops.

“Stop me if I’m going to do something really stupid.”

Aelin doesn’t know what to say, what to do or how to even breathe.

He’s so close when he pauses, his lips only a whisper away from hers, his nose caressing her cheek. “Aelin,” he whispers.

His utterance of her name brings her back to life and she lifts herself onto her toes to press her lips against his.

This is nothing like their first kiss. That was child's play, a silly game, a whisper where this is a symphony.

His lips are gentle against her own, and she adores the smooth brushes of their lips against each other until she lifts her hands to his shoulders and he drops one of his own to her waist. He pulls her against his firm chest as he kisses her harder, his lips parting hers and she can taste mint and Rowan as his tongue runs along her bottom lip.

He tastes her as if he’s starving, their lips parting and crashing together again with a building rhythm, soundtracked by their hurried breaths and gentle sighs.

Aelin kisses him back in earnest, pours all the words she’s never said into every brush of their lips, every word she’d use to describe him in every flick of her tongue. She tangles her fingers through his thick hair as he groans, the sound travelling from the back of his throat to settle in her core as he sets her blood on fire.

Aelin gasps into the kiss and he takes her bottom lip between his teeth as she does. Fuck, her body reacts, pressing her hips forwards into him as their tongues tangle again. His hands are at her hips and then under her thighs as he lifts her to sit atop his counter.

Her hands are tearing down his back until they reach the hem of his t-shirt and he pulls back, panting, to sling it off somewhere into the corner of his kitchen.

“Fuck,” he groans into her ear and the sound is another shot that quickly travels south. She hooks her heel behind his knee and drags him closer into the v of her thighs. “Aelin, fuck,” he says as he glances down to where he grips her hips as she cradles him close to her, lining them up where she needs him.

“Rowan,” she pants, barely able to speak through the pounding of her heart.

“Aelin, it’s you. Nothing is holding me to Rifthold, everything I am is holding me to you.”

Her eyes flutter shut as his words wash over her. This is more than she could have ever dreamed.

She finally manages to meet his eye, and she can’t help from descending into a peal of laughter.

“We are such idiots,” she says and he looks confused now and so she darts forwards to crush her lips to his. When she pulls back he wears a slightly dazed smile. “I’ve been in love with you for years,” she cries. “So much time wasted.”

“No,” he says, darting back in for another kiss and she can hardly return it through the smile she wears. “No time wasted, not with you.”

She’s beaming, she knows she is.

“Every single day since I was eight years old.” He shakes his head. “I should have known for so much longer than I have that I was in love with you.”

A sob almost slips out of her throat at his words and he catches it, running his thumb across her cheek in a way she can only describe as loving.

He continues. “I kept asking myself why I was so drawn to you, why I was so happy when you were around, why I was so fucking grouchy when you weren’t. Aedion was sick to death of me asking when he was going home at uni because I constantly wanted to see you.”

Aelin laughs before darting back in to kiss him again. “I was always waiting for you to come back home.”

He grins back and the sight is wonderful. “I’d always come home to you, wherever that is.”

He strokes her cheek again. “I love you Aelin, and I’d absolutely love it if you would have me. Here, Wendlyn, I don’t care, I just want to be with you.”

“Hm,” she pretends to think about it for all of a second before he’s nipping below her ear, tugging her forwards with a growl. She’s laughing, she can’t help it, Rowan loves her. She’s on cloud nine.

He’s laughing too, as he pressed her lips to her hair, she’s never felt so warm, so settled, so at home.

“I love you,” she says simply, watching how his smile takes over his handsome face. “Of course I’ll have you, and you’d better have me.”

“It would be my pleasure,” he says as his hands settle around her thighs.

Her pulse settles somewhere lower, and as much as she loves him, if he doesn’t take her to bed right now she’ll kill him.

She’s never been in love like this before, thinks she’s probably loved Rowan for almost her whole life, and as he scoops her up, lifting her off the counter and turning towards his bedroom she knows she’ll never love anyone like this ever again.

She’s deeply, desperately, crazily in love with him and as he whispers his adoration into her skin, as he thrusts into her, as he presses his lips to hers she knows he feels the same way.

This is it, this is them, and there’s no place else she’d rather be.

Rowan is twenty-eight when he gets down on one knee. Aelin is twenty-five when she says yes.

[secreto-draco]

gertchase fic.

this is chapter two to this fic here exploring gert’s pan-sexuality with strong hints of  gertchase,

shutout to @carolruwer who cleared a few things when i was making the plots, @kelbottumbles and @rowansdagger who answered my question regarding chase stein, @spnforevergirl for reviewing it for me and @brutalb for help with the conversation between chase and his dad.

i didn't have a beta for this, so excuse the errors.

if anyone would like to polish it or want to work on a collaboration piece hit me up.

also i need brainstorming help for 3rd chapter for this,feel free to inbox me.

im going to get out of the way now,so without  further adieu;

6 weeks after the Hernandez’s death, molly’ s leg cast comes off.4 days after that she’s back to running, playing and dancing with Gert. And it’s 2 days later, the Yorke’s set up a family picnic to some park an hour’s drive from Brentwood for pride and the pride kids.

Mr. and Mrs. Yorke’s for the most part, seem like their normal goofy and happy selves, but grief lingers in their eyes. Moreover, they’re coldly polite to Mrs.Minoru but chase doesn’t dwell long on them because there’s playing to do and food to eat.

 It’s while playing tag, when he notices.

Chasing after Nico, who just barely who doges and skips on to the side from his outstretched fingers. Laughter bubbles from behind, turning mid-run with a harsh skid in the feathery grass, speeding after his latest prey; long curly hair. Twisting and turning, circling from behind a short tree, only to abruptly come to a halt because molly isn’t running, she just stopped and standing still. Coming up to her, molly’s face is drained of color, hands shaking and lip trembling, her eyes are haunted but zoned in on the barbie-the flames licking all too close to Mrs.Yorkes face. And before he could softly call out her name or brush her shoulder, Gert’s already appeared from seemingly nowhere, gently and protectively holding the little girl's hand, and bit by bit presses up against Molly's side, curved into her.

He doesn't know what to do but he stays put, close to the huddled sisters, watching them; molly terrified and gert melancholy strong and comforting. And chase continues to watch, as Gert walks molly to their mom, they’re talking quietly and soon enough the talking turned to clutching and wet tight hugs.

seeing them like that, gives him a fuzzy and warm feeling but it makes his stomach heavy and eyes sting. He wants that, that very love and safety.

 3 days after the picnic they’re at a formal party-the minouros were hosting at some big shiny building. It’s stuffy and everyone’s being grossly formal. The old ladies keep pinching his cheek, and what not. Thankfully soon enough his mom ushers him into a room to play with the rest of the pride kids.

It’s fun, Amy and Alex are competing in some online racing game, with Amy in the lead. Soon enough the 6 of them have jumped to monopoly then to Uno and then twister before finally going back to playing video games.

He’s midway to beating Nico, when Molly starts heaving sobs. Pausing the game, he gets up to hold her hand like Gert did back at that picnic, but she starts crying harder and it hurts so he pulls her into a hug.

Stroking her hair another thing he’s seen Gert do with molly, he asks; “what’s wrong molls?”

“I can’t find Gert, she’s gone!” Her voice getting louder with each word till she’s just screaming.

Something in him just drops and his heart is roaring, and his head feels sluggish, but he’s got to stay strong and get to the bottom of this, stat.

“What do you mean Molly?” “Gert did go to the bathroom a bit before ‘’ Voice shaky yet firm, good. no need to further scare the girl in his arms. Still something nags at the back off his mind.

'maybe she’s still there or maybe she’s with the parents?” Amy’s reasoning brings some of the calm back.

But Molly’s breaks his hug and angrily stomping her feet, crying still, “I checked the bathroom because she hadn’t come back after a whole hour! she’s not in there and she’s not with any of the parents!! I checked there too!”.

The ground under him is shifting the earth keeps spinning because Gert can’t be gone or lost or… she’s got to be somewhere but, this place is huge, where could she be? Is she okay? the bruises on his side and back ache and burn, Victor Stein’s monstrous eyes flash in his mind. A reminder of all the kinds of dangers a kid, Gert could come across.

It’s blood curling and now he’s really, really scared, they need to find Gert now! So, grabbing Molly’s hand he runs off, the rest of the group at his heels.

They head to the lady’s bathroom-nothing, the check the garden-only adults, the parking space -no Gert, the parents and still no Gert. His heart keeps sinking and his eyes sting. On his right, Alex and Amy are brainstorming on where she could be, Nico and Karo are darting their eyes back and forth. And Molly’s frantic, so he pulls her too him, she burrows into his chest.

Dividing his attention between Molly and his surrounding, scanning for any hint or trace of Gertrude Yorke’s; he spies a leg sticking out from under a table but …

“THERE look’’, demanded Nico, pointing in the direction of the leg he spied.

‘’Nico?” His voice is croaking and he doesn’t care, cause Gert’s missing and his damn mind won’t stop with flashes of her getting hurt and he really hopes it’s her, safe and sound and not a some figment of his immagination.

Immediately following a rushing Nico, who’s leading them across the floor and underneath the maroon clothed table.

Gert. It’s Gert. a beat and Molly’s got her in a tackle hug and she angrily sobbing demanding answers and telling her to never leave and that she was scared that she’d gone just like her parents.

And hearing the last part-he joins in the hug, cause a world with no Gert is not something he can even imagine, and the hearing it chills him to his core. Holding both girls close he can’t help but tear up.

Pulling back to check for bruises and any sign of pain and hurt but she’s physically fine thank God. But Before, he could ask if she’s truly okay Amy, Alex and Nico are talking one another and he can’t understand cause his head’s still kind of torpid; though slowly coming too. Gert’ on the other hand isn’t taking any of it, she got her no nonsense, I’m pissed glare on, brows furrowed and eyes hard, zeroed on in her targets-in this case, the loud trio.

“Shut up! Let’s just go back to the room before any of the parents find out that we’ve been gone”. She strictly instructed.

As they’re leaving from under the table, he slips his hand into hers and gives a slight squeeze. Gert’s eyes catch his and it soothes the adrenaline from before, a balm to the chilling panic but what’s important is that she’s thankful, why?

Back in the room, molls hadn’t left her side at all and she’s desperately clutching Gert’s arm within her own, and fighting off sleep. He takes Gert’s other side because he needs the assurance that she’s there safe with them- him and molly. Luckily the rest of the group are absorbed in the loud video games to pay attention to them, as they didn’t want to upset the settling girl nestling, seeking her older sister’s comfort.

When he’s sure that Molly’s fast asleep,

“You okay? What happened?” It comes out as a broken whisper, traces of the fear leaking out.

It takes her a few seconds and her eyes go sad again, “I’m okay chase. I just went to get some water but…

“Gert.”  imploringly,he’s needs to know, needs to be sure and she needs to talk too.

Brown eyes looking down at molly, fingers cradling the wisps of black ringlets, and the whole of her oozes out affection for the girl in her lap with an iron clad grip on her arm, probably cutting off the circulation, but her posture. Weighs down, curls in on itself, shoulders heavy and long brown hair curtains Gert’s face, hiding from him.  embarrassed, ashamed?.

Ignoring the sting of rejection; this isn’t about him, chase waits for her.

“I got scared... had a glass of water in my hand, I turned, and there’s this group of adults blocking the way and” her voice sounds wet and its growing softer “ I got scared. I don’t know why or anything. And I just had to get away again so ducking, I crawled under the table.”

He can see the trailing down the cheeks, he slips one hand into hers, entwines their fingers and the other hand wipes her tears.

“Again?”.

“Yeah, I went to the bathroom because the room was getting smaller and louder and I couldn’t handle it.”

Gert s whole face turns red with shame but,

“It’s okay... You needed space, everyone does even when with friends, so it’s okay Gert.” Reassuring her, he gets it, he really does.

The smile she gives him is small, cheeks flushed and there’s still some tears escaping her eyes, but she’s still blinding. Gert’s’ hand tightens around his. Everything in this moment, the intimacy, her, it’s intoxicating.

 Crimson seeps into the grey of chase’s shirt on the lower right side; falling out of the tree strained the wound from 2 days ago, and now the stain continues to grow. His eyes water and he bites his bottom lip in a poor attempt to hold in his tears. It hurts, everything hurts but he doesn’t want the truth to come to light. doesn’t want to see the pity or worse, them finally seeing that chase stein is a waste of a being. yet, A small and dusty hand slips into his ,fingers entwined with his pulling him out of his inwardly spiral. Gert is in front of him, eyes bleary and worried, pulling him up and making him sit in some chair that’s been laying around in her lawn.

Next thing he knows she’s tugging the hem of his shirt, he lets her, pulling his shirt off him. A light touch feathers around the wound and the scared little chase looks to her, seeking protection, comfort, the truth in Gert.

 Embers light her eyes a flame, warm and compassionate and comforting, but there is anger and fear for him. She was just like this a year ago with molly at that picnic, its sends a shock through him, Gert cares for chase stein, a lot. He is important and special to her.

And she stays with him, even when Mrs. Yorke’s’ gloved hand disinfects his wound. Gert stays holding his hand even when his fingernails dig into her flesh, as her mother sews the gaping cut up. She stays, wiping his tears from his disgusting snort ridden face with no ounce of hesitation or disgust. Unapologetic in her obvious care for him.

 The following day at school, she stays close by. Her eyes trailing after chase. There is a thrill and safety in her, and Gert’s rapt attention on him, makes him feel self-conscious because Gert will eventually figure it out, her intelligence has no limits, but mostly it tickles him pink. Gert cares, Gert whose mind and body and soul is always running out to the beyond, is now focused on stupid useless chase stein; cause he is crucial to her, cause Gert cares for him. Its fucking absurd.

 ‘’chase?’’   Gert calls out,

 ‘’yeah’ still in awe, which leads the cool burning sensation to spread throughout; his ears, his cheeks all the way to his toes. This is still so new, it is not sinking in and whilst processing it. Gert is here.

 ‘’can we talk?’’ voice hesitant. And blaring red alarms go off in his brain. Still he could be wrong, moreover if he leaves it would be more evidence to pick up on if it’s what he thinks this is about. Nodding to her and slipping out a chocked a yeah of course, he settles down on the cool tiles, because he doesn’t have the strength to stand; mentally or physically.

She’s sits with him, curved into his side, taking in a deep breath, ‘’ I overheard mum talking to dad…about your wound, she said it wasn’t something from sports, but like something was used on you…and there was a fading bruise on your upper back’’.

 He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe and there’s a rushing in his head, his heart is beating too fast, his limbs are not doing what he needs to them; run. He needs to get out of here but his useless broken shitty body won’t get up. And something cool slithers and grips around his waist, clutching tightly and he can’t see it but it is there. There’s something on his back, moving up and down, slow. Constantly.

 4 seconds up, 3 seconds stop, 4 seconds down, 4 seconds up, 3 seconds stop, 4 seconds down.

Life comes into his lungs, oxygen filling.

 4 seconds up, 3 seconds stop, 4 seconds down, 4 seconds up, 3 seconds stop, 4 seconds down

 Blurry colors and shapes come, blues and greys,

  4 seconds up, 3 seconds stop, 4 seconds down, 4 seconds up, 3 seconds stop, 4 seconds down…’’Chase’’,

 It’s airy, and the blurred blues and greys become stillage floors and blue wall. Hands are wrapped around his waist, trailing them, it leads to a pair of shiny eyes.

  4 seconds up, 3 seconds stop, 4 seconds down, 4 seconds up, 3 seconds stop, 4 seconds down

 Brown eyes, brown eyes, scared but steel.

 ‘’Gert’’ it slips from between his trembling lips and for once again, he is the bawling snotty weak chase in front of her, turning his face to the side. To hide everything. But she still stays, shifts her hold to something firm yet gentle.

 In her room, instead of having fun or doing their homework, Gert holds him, while he sobs in shame and self-loathing and fear.it seems hours later, when he has emptied every drop of water, every ounce of ugly in him.

 ‘’don’t tell anyone…’' voice horse and broken, ‘’please’’ he begs.

 Silence, complete silence.

 ‘’gert’’ cold and curt and commanding,

 ‘’okay’’

 Promise?

 ‘promise. …chase,talk to me’’

 ‘’ I can’t’, please don’t make me’’

 ‘okay’’ don’t worry we’ll make something up to tell my mum later, but let’s get you freshened up’’

 Carefully, like he’s something precious and priceless, she pulls him up, leads him to the bathroom, so he can wash his face. Gert pats his cheeks down dry, and gets him to sit on her bed. Turning around onto her end table she hands him a full glass of water to drink.

 He gulps it down and she takes the glass from him to set aside and thrusts a piece of gooey brownie in his hands, demanding him to eat.

 Chase is once again hit head on with the fact that Gert cares. Frozen it takes a stern ‘chase, eat’’ from Gert for him to get a move on to devour the fudgy goodness.

The sugar is less of a wake up ‘’I’m alive’’ rush than the fact that Gert cares for him.

  2010;

 10 years old.

 The lot of them are in Alex’s game room, sprawled about in their claimed spots. Well everyone but Gert. it’s bizarre.

 ‘’molly, where’s gert?’’ he asks.

 ‘’she’s taking a red cross class,’’

 That snaps his attention, jolts him up from his sprawled seat on the brick red couch, ’what?’’

 ‘’yeah, Gert said she wanted to take first aid training or something. Dale and Stacey were happy to oblige, driving her the nearest red cross, and setting up any and all classes she can take under the instructor.’’

 ‘’Did she say why’’ yup he’s just making conversation, slightly curious.

‘’she said that you never know when said skills could come in handy, listing off a bunch of facts and statics and how crucial it is in to learn such basics and the like. Its Gert being Gert; ‘’ expect nothing and prepare for the worst. The world is bad out there, but we need to be civil prepared and decent human beings’’.’’ Molly beams, clearly proud of her sister.

sparks flow down to his bones and jolts his heart, while Gert would be the decent civil, human being to everyone, he remembers a time of tears and a wound on his side, knows that his well being is a driving factor.

So, the next he sees Gert, he knows he’s red and touched and being soft but he can’t help it. Opening doors for her, seeking her approval on group activities and just being by her side.

 2013

 Waiting as his mother dabs on the foundation around her shoulder and slabs on the coral pink lipstick.

 ‘’let’s hope there’s no wine or cheese at this thing, we don’t need to Yorke’s to humiliate us and themselves in front of the worldwide public’’ he fathers mutters.

 His blood boils, but stretching and curling his fingers, he holds it in, his father doesn’t know shit about shit. it’s a strained and quiet ride to Deans’ charity garden party.

 Low yellow cliched fairy lights lit up the garden, mason jars with floating candles hung overhead from tree branches giving off a soft glow. Rustic furniture with plum colored flowers and Casablanca lilies and tables with vintage lace tablecloth was spread about the venue. The grass was crisp and it is a warm summer night with mellow instrumental jazz playing, blocking the rest of the world from the here and now. More importantly through, bringing a content but small smile on Gert, hearing the notes smoothed out her edges, making her relax and glimmer. He couldn't keep his eyes off her.

His parents on the other hand completely bypass Gert, their attention solely focused on Karolina,

‘’you’re doing well as part host Karolina, don’t worry…. you’re a wonderful speaker honey.’’ His mother coos, 

What really surprised him is the pleased smile on fucking victor stein.

‘’she’s right, you know. And your speech from before, was good too’ sincerely speaking.

 Turning to him, ’chase why don’t you ask the lady for a dance?’’

Holding his palm out he does exactly as he’s told, victors eyes demanded obedience and as he is not one to disobey.he doesn’t need any more gauze [Gert’s handiwork] and fading black and  blue-ish purple bruises on his body.

Karolina’s hand is stiff in his palm, and she’s upright as if  barefoot on a bed of needles. it’s clear she is more than uncomfortable so he keeps his arm high on her waist and stays as far as he possibly can. Not being able can’t stand the tightness in her eyes, so looking over her shoulder, his catches Gert’s.

She like the girl he is currently dancing with, is pained and stiff.  Where Only moments ago she was content and happy, humming along to the song, but now her eyes are dark and there is a longing in them but before he can make it out, Gert turns and exaggeratedly bows, hand out to molly. Who responds with what he assumes is a snort, curtsies and slips her hand into gerts’., who leads them on to the dance floor.

Pulling away from Karolina [who looks relieved] because she didn’t want to dance with him and he can’t be that guy, and together they watch the sisters who are happily dancing a jazzy waltz with some quick dramatic footwork and fancy fast spins thrown in, it’s a kind off a shock-not that molly and gert can dance. Molly must share this with Gert. no, it’s their movements, their flow, their joy that hold his enraptures his attention, filling him with a deep joy and a pinched longing; A dance with gert, whose happy and completely open.

After that the rest of the night goes fairly well, he might have constantly swallowed down the question to ask gert for a dance cause he’s shit scared,though overall, it’s been nice. Well that uncomfortable lodge in his throat and the car ride back home.

“we should just avoid having them at these events, they just make fools of themselves.” Victor rants, voice gradually increasing in volume, obviously annoyed as the burgundy stain sunk in deeper into his white shirt.

Chase, fidgeting a bit, trying to find a comfortable spot.

“They’re well known biochemists and a part of Pride. Honestly they weren’t that bad tonight…….” jennet trying to soothe the beast.

“Yeah because Leslie was smart enough to had planned ahead and assigned babysitters for Dale and Stacey. And even then, Dale still manages to fuck it up, spilling wine everywhere. ‘’ a quick breath,’’Leslie and Dean should have assigned babysitters to gert and Molly too.’’ ’’and pre-approved their outfits,since The Yorkes are too stupid and blind, what Molly was wearing?”

“She’s a kid.”

“Yes, but this was a formal event . Not some backyard barbecue…. with the dressing and their childish antics-dancing like that!” slamming the steering wheel harshly, ‘’Gert was either way too shy or way too angry, going on about something or the other to our very important PRs. She and her sister should learn to handle themselves appropriately rather than following after their jester like parents.’’

In the backseat, chase wants to yell, scream. His forearms tighten, fists curl on his knees.

Molly looked nice, she was in a dress, besides the cat hair pin and the hat with those tiny ears, his dad seemed so offended by what was a comfort blanket for the girl. Everyone knew that. And Gert chewed out some ignorant asshole, it was awesome and kinda hot.

“that guy was being a jerk.” He stated.

“There is a time and place and a way how. Gertrude made a shrieking banshee out of herself, she’s definitely taking after her parents too much.”  

there’s a bitter ache in the pit of his stomach and a pressure building up in his head. Dale and Stacey are a great loving couple and even better parents who’re guiding their children to becoming adults, and clearly, they’re doing a good job.He wants to say this, but the words won’t leave his throat, Everything is too hot and heavy, but his father has more to add;

‘’Tina and Leslie are professional and have the no non- sense attitude. Gert should learn a thing or two from them…. or at least Karolina’s diplomacy and Amy’s or even Nico’s spunk.’’

“Karolina is really turning into something remarkable, she handled everything really well….”  His mom chimes in, wanting to obviously change the subject. ‘handling those sticky stressful situations and those jerk business types…. plus, she looked beautiful like always’’

“She was well behaved.” agreeing. fidgeting with the rear-view mirror, Victor adds. “eloquent, diplomatic and beautiful. She’s a catch.” His beady angry eyes demanded and searched Chase’s through mirror.

“I’m not sure she likes me like that.” He muttered, choosing to look out the car window.

“You’re a Stein. A stupid one that’s wasting his high IQ but still a Stein. And it’s clear how it’ll play out.’’

The pressure in his head keeps building and he just wants to be home in his room with the punching bag rather than be here, still and quiet. Chase knows that if Gert were here she’d call Victor out on this shit with all the right words and terms, misogyny and stereotypes and the inner-workings and psychoanalyze everything. She will be brave and loud disregarding the scary monster, she would yell for chase and the shit done against him but she’s not here and he never could stand up to the great Victor Stein.

“I’m not really into romance and relationships”

“Again she’s, beautiful, smart, polite, well-spoken, and kind. And your childhood friend. She’s perfect. honestly. Your young now but when the time comes, it’ll happen.”

Yes, she is and everything kind of is, it’s how life has written these things time and time again as everyone keeps telling him. Pretty girl, cute boy childhood friends, then flash-forward, they’re married with a house and a fucking white picket fence and a kid or two. but Chase doesn’t want perfect or ethereal.

He doesn’t need someone passive, smoke and mirrors, like his mother. whom he loves; but there’s some messed up shit going on right there with her and her relationships with both him and dear old dad. He needs someone who will call him out when he’s a dick, who will fight or get out if it’s not worth it. Someone who not only ‘’cares’’, but will act on it. Ghosting a touch on the gauze that Gert gently wrapped it for him.

 He needs someone who will inspire-teach him from not becoming his father.

Someone like Gert. He wants Gert. Gert who is passionate. and crazy .and so so caring. And strong. and funny, with or without meaning too. Gert is always ready to learn and fight, mostly with her razor-sharp words [sometimes unintentionally, she can be mean and defensive, but everyone has their flaws] and as a last resort with her fists. Nothing can bring her down. Her morals, the fact that she actually gives a damn and carries it through. Gert is fucking amazing. 

  he finds her crouched over the rough pasture, carefully plucking all the daisies and setting them on her left; the white and blueish violet flowers fanned out with all the petals intact and the stems straight.

regardless of her careful plucking and handling of the flowers is at complete odds with the rest of her. Molly’s back is tense and taunt, her shoulders are pulled inwards; closing in. moving to stand in front of her, it becomes to view that her jaw is jutted out, upper lip curled into a bit of a snarl, her face is flushed and the brows are lowered in concentration on the task at hand. But the usual teasing eyes are now beady and wet.

concerned, ‘molly” he prods.

...

molly’s silence is another obvious sign that she’s hurt and more, vexed. so in one frail swoop he crouches into the biting grass and gently, as they’re especially fragile in his big clunky hands, he plucks the wild flowers from among the weeds with the little girl.

their combined efforts have them a gracious pile of daises but molly doesn't stop there, she carries to sit down crossed legged on the grass and her fingers move to twine and twist the flowers in what he assumes is going to be a flower crown.

confused he watches and watches, he won’t dare to try because he will obviously fuck it up and all that hard work would be for not, and he doesn’t want to upset her further. He doesn't want molly to be angry with him, call him stupid and that he ruined everything so he stays still, with just a lone little daisy between his fingers, because despite it he wants to help, doesn’t like stoically standing on the side lines like some dumb asshole.

long slim dusty fingers hand him another and wordlessly she with her hands on his, instructs on the construction of a flower crown.

quickly picking up on it; it fastest always been good with his hands and morose when it’s with building and construction, and molly lets him carry on his own, she doesn’t go back to her own crown but just lays her face in her palm and eyes him. within minutes he’s holding a flower crown in his hands, dainty and simple. Its prettiness is nothing compared to the tiny growing smile on molly or her shiny pleased eyes. 

‘‘do you want to add in some of those irises to give it a pop of color?’’ he asks in a whisper.

grinning now molly gets up and comes back with a 5 to 6 of the baby version of plum flower with the drooping petals. Taking them, he sets to work, adding and arranging them in.

‘‘thank-you chase.’’ she says silently.

‘’anytime molls...are you alright now? ‘‘

‘‘almost. the flower crown your making is really pretty.’ ‘ 

he beams at her in pride, eyes wide, twinkling and pearly whites peeking through and turns to look down to the crown,

‘‘it’ll look perfect on gert.’‘she exclaims, 

sharply turning to look at her, but she isn’t making fun of him. She’s stern and waiting.

a picture pops in his mind’s eye and it’s a beautiful vision, ‘’it'll suit her, she loves daises and has a soft spot for anything purple.’’. it slips out breathless and airy from his lips, a secret admission.

‘‘she does’ ‘molly continues to scrutiny him ‘‘you noticed.’’. she states.

a gulp, ‘i did.’...’’mind telling me why you were upset earlier?’’ bringing the trail to his ever-growing feelings for her older sister to a complete halt. And because he’s worried about molly.

she takes in a shuddering breath, her fingers play with the grass and she’s peaking at him through her lashes, brown eyes alert. God knows why she’s been keenly observing him this whole time. Feeling as being dissected by molly, isn’t helping with anxiousness but he stays putt, she needs him here.

 ‘‘you can to talk to me molls, and if you want i can try to sneak gert over from her time out or i could bring Karolina”

‘no! i don’t want to talk to karolina. ....

‘molls?’‘

‘‘people are assholes...... I’ve always wanted to have flowers in my hair but every picture in media is of thin pretty girl with long straight blond or at times brown hair. And i know Gert’s always wanted to wear daisy flower crowns and she just doesn't but when i spoke of it and those issues. She preened and told me we were going to do so at the next picnic.’’   breathing harshly, ‘’so yeah, we were looking for flowers and we come across one of your classmates, the jerk has the gall to tell us we weren’t pretty or delicate enough not like karolina or nico and amy.’’

He is a red-hot inferno and his fist itch to maim, ‘his name?’ ‘.

‘chill chase, Gert already tore him a new one, hence why she’s on time out’ head up, back relaxed, and a smile pulling at the corners of her lips, a tiny chuckle tucked in.Molly’s amused and proud,it must have been one hell of a scene, damn he missed out.

Her eyes dart to him, noticing something but she keeps it to herself, ‘I wanted to have the flowers plucked so she could weave them into my hair and the crown ready for her to wear, i just don’t want that shithead’s words to sink in while she’s’ told to sit still.’ ‘

‘‘come on, gather those flowers, let’s go, we’re sneaking in to see Gert.’ ‘

 It’s a short walk through the glass which fades to a cobbled path and they come to the small cabin, Gert is on the porch swing, sprawled out and close to dozing off and before he can stop molly, she’s already budding up and picking up her legs in a rushed manner. 

‘‘Gert! wake up!!’  Molly ‘excitedly exclaimed, shaking her shoulders like crazy. Having let go of her legs.

‘‘I’m up, I up! molly what’s wrong? ’she’s in mama bear mode, frantic eyes scanning her sister for any hint of pain.

The giddy girl whose bouncing on the heels of her feet only thrusts out her hand holding the all the flowers and begs for Gertrude to them into her hair.

so quietly steps in, settles down next to Gert on the swing, still delicately holding onto the flower wreath in his impossible enormous hands, watching gert weave and braid and arrange molly’s thick curly and long hair. The flowers look perfect and molly looks astounding-whoever said that it would suite her is fucking blind and media’s dead wrong too. The whites and the purples and the bluish-violets pop against the dark waves.

when gert is done, molly twirls for her and the love oozing between them tickles and settles into his aching bones, and as molly curtsies, he sneakily gets up, standing next to her and facing Gert he bows and slowly, assuredly crowns Gert, her wiry brown hair [she hadn’t straightened it today or for the past week and now he knows why it makes her even more] brushes against his knuckles. Chase fixes the tilt and like with molly; the flowers look perfectly atop the crown of her head.

bowing again and pulling up to beam at her, he’s hit with the vision of a touched Gert, whose illuminating eyes are on him, a soft tiny barely there smile with a hint of teeth and glowing red on the apples of her cheeks.to top it all is the flowers he arranged on her head.it is better than he had pictured, Gert looks breath-taking, he can feel everything turn warm, it makes him uncomfortable yet still at peace. and that conversation in the carried back from the garden party with his father echo, the whispering devil in his ear, but it doesn’t hold because they don’t know shit. Gert and molly may be not be sunshine or portray some kind of illusion of this flowy angelic charm and grace and beauty or this untouchable but sweet aura but they are real. Molly is strong and happy and precious, Gert is good, kind of mean and still gorgeous. Moreover, flaws and edges and the whole of them are yes real but captivating. Gert and Molly are beautiful just as Karolina and Nico and Amy.

‘‘you look pretty’ ‘, he firmly whispers.

and she blushes even more, ’thank-you’’.

‘‘he’s right you know.... hey Gert, know chase made that on his own ‘‘voice smug and knowing and as soon as the words are out, molly’s off sprinting something about sneaking in some food and drinks to snack on.

‘’you really made this?’’ in awe and fingers lightly brushing against one of the drooping purple petals.

‘‘yeah but molly showed me how, and i picked up on it ‘‘he admits, he doesn't mind, isn’t ashamed with Gert knowing, she is always supportive and accepting, especially with the softer things.

‘‘why are you on time out for standing up to some fuckwad, it doesn’t seem like something dale and Stacey would do.

‘‘they don’t know, the asshole just came up and told them while they were with the rest of the rents that’’, and her hands come up and her fingers make the quotation marks, ‘’I just slapped him’‘so mum and dad put me in time out and we’ll  be talking at home. I didn’t want to make a commotion in front of all the other parents…. they already think my family’s a joke… don’t need to add to that’’ she says bitterly through clenched teeth, a deep breath and ‘’... I’m assuming molly told you what happened.’‘

‘yeah, you don’t need to listen to those assholes Gert, you and molly are pretty. and your parents are awesome, quirky but mostly their open and awesome., shrugging.

she points her index finger at him, the silver ring glitters in the light,’’ you said awesome twice’’, there’s a smirk pulling at the corner of her lips, her eyes glinting behind the glasses, her hip cocked slightly towards the right. teasing and relieved.

following her lead,’’ not all of us read, memorize and utilized all the words in a dictionary, he winks whilst listing them off his three digits.

but the teasing soon comes to a halt, as Gert delicately adds a tiny wreath made from the remaining flowers-when did she even? atop his head, and her eyes twinkle at him.

Amy’s dead, that shit wilder didn’t show up to the funeral. Nico won’t leave her room, won’t pick up the phone. And sweet delicate thing that is Karolina has run to the church, has taken solace in those walls that keep her from facing reality with her friends. Molly is cationic, and Gert, she’s falling apart and there is no one to catch her.

he can’t, chase fucking stein, Gert’s best friend, can’t be there because this load of hatred, darkness and bitterness and shame is consuming him whole.so he trains, hits the weights, destroys the boxing bag hanging in his garden. Anything to keep the violence in check.

and as he is beating his body, his father joins in, with fists and sharp words. Blaming the minor parents, blaming Nico, blaming him and his friends for not noticing. He blames Amy for being stupid and childish, he states he doesn’t care. And that is when chase stein punches his father square in the jaw.

he bruises aren’t black and blue but glaring cuts and stabs but he doesn’t feel anything but hate.

it turns to months and things aren’t good, the guys he’s on the lacrosse team with just join him for lunch and pull him along, and he floats with them because this requires no effort other than just being still, an able body to stand and drown down alcohol at parties, which he does so excessively.

the alcohol is a slow burn down his throat and tingles him alive, his wounds don’t hurt and the world slows down to blurry unfocused mess, just like him. And if effil kisses him in those moments, no big deal.so long as her hands don’t slip under his shirt or into the inside of his boxers, it doesn’t matter. The tingles and the spinning are sparks that yes, he is alive and not gone stone cold.

from his place in the crowds he witnesses Gert’s transformation, the chopped and layered bob [ her hair now is short and a glazing, purple. purple- bold and cool, passionate and caring, strong and soft, -a fierce color, much like gert herself-and it seemingly brings out the best it her]

 flowing in the elite group, shitty life at home, looking at gert with an aching longing but that’s how life is now. At least it is, until he’s partnered up with gert in astronomy. When the professor announces it he sneaks a glance at the purple haired girl who sits diagonally behind him, hand frozen from doodling on the top corner of the page, and her hair curtains her face, so he can’t see any facial expression. even his view of gert is than blocked by effil who leans over the desk and possessively and jealously staging -ly whispers into his ear that she’ll keep him company on snapchat.

it pisses him off but he bites his tongue and is out the door as soon as the bell rings. He’ll talk to Gert about the project later, he doesn’t want effil to start up trouble with her now.

[kimthwariru]

Ch. 1 | The devil's offspring

Taehyung and Jungkook devil x reader au

Genre: Smut, angst 

«I don’t care if I fall in love with a devil, as long as that devil will love me the way he loves hell.»

Chapter1 

“IM NOT CRAZY, I KNOW WHAT I SAW” You yell your heart out to the cops, tears hugging your cheeks from the shock you just experienced.

It was like a horror movie, around midnight you were outside your house, sitting on your wooden swing when a black shadowed figure appeared at your front door from literally nowhere. His eyes you will never forget, they were red, blood red… staring at you, a stare so intimidating yet so beautiful. But it got overwhelming, and your heart started malfunctioning, you could feel it, your heart, it wasn’t beating. As you stared at the tall man’s eyes you felt your own lungs sucking you up, you were suffocating. You don’t know how to explain it, but he was the one who was doing this to you. You could clearly sense two soft hands wrapped around your neck - his hands - making you unable to breathe but he was no where near you. His stare was compelling, you couldn’t scream for help, you don’t know why, you just stared at him instead, with this heavy feeling on your chest. But once you were close to dying for real he spared you. You could see him smirking as you fell on your knees, trying to breath in as much oxygen as you possibly could. The man came closer, capping your face with his hands, hands that felt like the ones on your neck. The black shadow disappeared only to reveal a stunning young man, with light brown hair and chestnut eyes replacing the scary red ones. He saw you inspecting his features, a soft, comforting smile making its appearance.

“Who-who are you?” You asked, your face centimeters away from the man that just tried to kill you.

The smile never leaving his face, he helped you stand up and sat you back to your wing, he turned to your back, gave you a small push and you started swinging like a 4 year old girl. Seconds later you stop the swing, turning around only to see no one. And that’s when something switched inside of you, the moment he was gone, the moment that aura left, your chest stopped being heavy and your head started hurting instead, suddenly feeling the pain on your neck that you were supposed to feel moments ago. What the fuck was that? His red eyes became so much worse in your memories and they scared you so much you started crying. You were curled up on the ground, and that was the state your father found you. Thats when he called the police.

But of course, the police didn’t believe you, they turned their backs on you “We don’t have time for silly little thriller stuff ” that’s what they said, and after that all you could hear were the sirens slowly becoming less and less audible.

2 months later 

“There is soup downstairs if you get hungry” Your mum kissed your forehead “We will give aunt Mia your regards” She neatly tucked you in bed “We will be back soon honey. Now you stay home and rest” your mum closed your door, minutes later you hear your parents’ car engine start. They were going to your aunt Mia’s for her annoying daughter’s birthday party. You never liked that girl, she always made rude comments about your mom and dad but they just played it of like it was a joke -she was your mum’s wealthy sister’s daughter after all- So you played sick, avoiding going to that unnecessarily big house again.

It had been about one hour when you hear you house’s door opening with force. Did They forget something? It couldn’t possibly be them, aunt Mia’s house was a 4 hour drive and the party would last just as long. You peek through your door only to see that the power had gone out. Great, the one time your home alone. The weird part is, the lights were off all around your house except your room. Could this even be possible? Suddenly, you hear your house’s door closing. Could it be the wind? I mean, the weather was awful, and it did have terrible wind outside, but wind can’t just open and close doors. You started shaking as the could air reached your room. You close and lock your door, turning around, and in shock, you see… it couldn’t be? It was, the same man from that night, you clearly remember him, he was sitting on your bed, staring out you. What, how.. “Wh-what are you doing here? How-how did you get in?”

The young man didn’t say a word, he stood up and came closer to you, squeezing you between him and the wall, resting his hand next to your head. You could smell his compelling smell, a cocktail of intimidation and comfort, you were feeling no fear even though the man that tried to kill you a couple of months ago practically showed up inside your room from nowhere, again.

“Why aren’t you answering? I need answers, how did you get in?” You try to avoid his beautiful eyes, but he was so close to you his eyes were your only view.

“I’m not going to answer to boring questions” he simply said, a smirk on his literary flawless face.

“But I need to know, you-you tried to kill me, why-”
He didn’t let you finish your sentence

“Why did I try to kill you? Oh come on I expected better from you” he took his slender fingers and ran them across your cheek, spreading goosebumps throughout your entire body.

With all the possible power you could compose you bring your hand up to meet his fingers and stoped his delicate movement. Because if you hadn’t, you wouldn’t be able to properly form a sentence “You didn’t let me finish, why did you stop? Why didn’t you kill me?”

The handsome young man smiled, and tilted his head to the side. He looked like a satanic angel. “That’s my girl” he says proudly finally getting away from you, now moving towards the bed again “Come on” he patted the empty space next to him, gesturing you to sit down.

You walk towards him slowly and hesitantly, it seemed like he noticed your uncertainty. “Don’t worry I’m not going to kill you. Well, at least not yet” you froze, he said it like killing you was a simple everyday task, like he has done it again. Could this guy be a serial killer? Why haven’t you called the cops yet? What the fuck is keeping you so calm?

You take a sit next to him, you chose not to sit too close but it turns out he didn’t like you sitting so far away from him so he took your hands pushing you towards his embrace. You could feel your blood pumping through your veins. There was an odd feeling whenever you were with him. Sometimes you were sitting on your desk and that night would randomly pop into your head. And you would always ponder, why didn’t you scream? Why didn’t you ran? But the question that you don’t even believe yourself, why did you enjoy it? That feeling, you remember that you were suffocating but you loved it, you loved it so much that for a split second… you wanted to die. You shake your head and focus to the face that was close to yours

“You think too much” he said and it felt like he had just answered your thoughts, an unreadable expression on his face. “Just relax and live your life, that’s what you humans should do”

You humans?

“Answer me” you get impatient “Why didn’t you kill me?”

“Ahh yes, right” he rests his arm on your shoulders “You see, I think you would be more fan alive” he gives you a cheeky smile “Your soul is more interesting here than in hell”

Your eyes bulge when you hear the word ‘hell’. So many unanswered questions running through your head “Hell?” Your voice cracked

The man sights “Why are all humans afraid of hell? Is our reputation really that bad?” He chuckles, like what he was saying was something ordinary, like the sentences he was spitting out made sense. You didn’t believe in hell, mainly because you didn’t believe in god. You were always a science girl, all that God play seemed too childish to you.

“Okay, my patience is running out, who are you? What do you want?”

“Oh” he paused “That’s right, you don’t believe.“ He tacked a strand of hair behind your ear “Let me make it clear so that you understand” he made one more dramatic pause “I’m the devil, well, sort off”

You chuckled, the supernatural is interesting, but that was all it was. It wasn’t real life. “Yeah next thing you tell me is that you’re Lucifer” you scoff

“Lucifer?” He chuckled “That old man? Please, I’m his son”

You stand up, tired of hearing this nonsense over and over again “That’s it, I’m calling the cops, you’re sick”.

You grab your phone ready to dial the police’s number, but then, something that you will never forget happened . The wind opened with force your window, the rain showering your whole room, the man’s eyes turned to the familiar red, your phone was no longer in your hands but in the air, and with a blink of an eye, it was shredded to pieces. You couldn’t grasp what was happening, you were living what had happened that night all over again, your neck started closing and the air remained little. Your feet drilled on the floor, you were scared. You weren’t comforted by him anymore, you were scared for your life. Tears started running down your face for no reason, you couldn’t control anything. In a split second, everything came back to normal, your neck opened and air came back to your lungs, it was like being born again. The man’s eyes became brown again and they were smiling at you.

“Tip number one, never insult Lucifer’s son”

You were trying to realize what was happening. You couldn’t possibly be standing next to the devil’s son… you just couldn’t. “You’re- stop, I can’t-”

He grabbed your arms squeezing them but not too hard so it hurt, “Why the fuck do I want to prove this so much?” he sighed “Look at me” he shook you. You move your eyes up slowly, and what you saw was… extraordinary. His eyes were the same blood red, but when you carefully stared at them, you saw your parents, they were crying, they were on the flour begging while crying. You’ve never felt like this, watching your parents in this state was upsetting you way too much. You tried to look away but you couldn’t, your eyes were fixed on his.

“MAKE IT STOP” you cry out “I BELIEVE YOU MAKE IT STOP” tears falling down your cheeks again, you were weak on your knees. The image stoped as he pulled you away. You fell to the ground trying to comprehend what you just saw.

“Oh come on girly, don’t be so over dramatic”

You shoot him an angry glance. He was the devil’s son, what the fuck did he want from you? “Leave me alone” your voice almost cracking.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that…” he said, extenuating his hand so you could grab on it and get up. You choose not to though, getting help from a creature from hell didn’t seem like such a good idea.

“What do you want then? Why are you doing all of this to me?”

“Ah these humans, why do you always need to know?” He sights “Your mum had difficulties when she was pregnant with you, the doctors didn’t gave her much hope either, she was meant to deliverer a dead baby at labor. But…” he paused

“But what?”

It seemed like he rolled his eyes. It was very strange, why was The devil’s son acting like a teenager? “But lets say she consulted a certain someone so she could save you, and that certain someone happened to know a lot of things about hell and heaven.” He continued “He sold your soul to hell, more specifically… me” He ended, carefully inspecting your reaction

You couldn’t believe your ears. Your soul belonged to… him? The devil’s offspring? “How, what-” you were startled “What does that mean?”

He smirked grabbing your wrist to bring you close, so close that you could feel his breathing on your jaw “It means I own you, your life is in my hands”

You felt your hands shaking “W-why now? Why did you come now?”

“Because, you are more fan now. Besides, my human side convinced me to let you live a normal childhood. But your not a child anymore y/n…” your breathing hitched when you heard him call your name. You couldn’t possibly describe this feeling.

“Your human side?” You confusedly repeated his words

He distant himself from you to sit down on your bed again “Yes, unfortunately, I’m not a full breed. My mother is human”

“I didn’t know The devil digged humans” you scoffed, but then your remember who you were talking to and you immediately regretted your words. He looked your age, a guy who you would totally consider hot under normal circumstances, so that confused you a lot, the clash of his looks and who he actually was made it difficult for you to understand that you were actually talking to the devil’s son.

He gave you a meaningful glance, he slowly stood up and walked towards you again, his face only centimeters away from yours, his lips so close that they were practically brushing yours as he spoke “You don’t want to know what happens when one of us fucks one of you” he whispered and licked lips, you inspected his tongue with lust, as it was moving from the one edge of his mouth to the other . You hoped he wouldn’t be able to hear your heart bagging to get out of your chest.

“What do you mean?” you tried not to make your voice sound weak, but you miserably failed. You have never sounded like this before, you were a mess. What was going on?

He placed his hand on your waist and he moved his mouth closer to your ear “Curiosity killed the cat” you felt his breath winding on your ear, it made you goosebump.

"But I’m not a cat” you whispered and pushed his warm body away. You couldn’t bear him. It was so odd to control yourself around him. He looked normal, he looked like a toned super model, but that was all it was. Looks. You didn’t even want to imagine what was behind that mask.

“We don’t feel y/n” he looks right into your eyes, eyes are the window to the soul they say. “So we only think of ourselves. Witch is fair you know, we are superior creatures and you are humans. We can’t be under you in any way.” He continues looking right through you “So there are two scenarios. One, we kill you while sex. Two, we like you enough to not kill you while sex but, we leave you pregnant. And let’s just say, giving birth to a demonic creature isn’t the most pleasant thing”

“What do you mean?”

“It means you die. The child kills you. It always does” he looks away, towards the floor

“Wait” you take one step towards him, trying to make him look into your eyes again “You killed your mother?”

He slowly brings his head upwards, locking eyes with you “Of course I did” he coldly assures you.

A silence spread throughout your room. The wind and the rain was the only audible thing. "What do you want from me?” You break the unbearable silence

“Oh so we got to the fan part!” he looks different all of a sudden. “I need you to kill my older brother”

You stayed in place, what the fuck was he saying? “Kill your older brother?” You asked puzzled.

“What part of that sentence didn’t you understand?”

“Assuming he is your brother, he is a creature of hell, even worse, Lucifer’s son.”

“Correct. What’s the point of this?”

“How the fuck am I going to kill him? You said minutes ago that you were superior. I’m just a human”

He shakes his head “Only a human can kill one of us. It’s perfect if you think about it”

“What is?”

“ Humans are the only ones who can kill us, but they are weak, and they are scared of us, they would never think they could possibly kill us. Thus, we can never die”

“So, you mean. I can kill you?”

He chuckled “As I said, you’re weak, I’m much stronger, you couldn’t possibly do that.”

“But then how am I supposed to kill your brother?”

“He has a weakness with everything that’s mine.”

“That didn’t enlightened me at all”

“We will pretend that you’re mine. You will be my soul partner for the next weeks, until he notices. Then he will be weak, he always is weak with girls. He will try to get you and make you fall for him. That’s your perfect opportunity to kill him.”

“I get it..” you couldn’t say no, you knew he could kill you if you had, he owned you. “But why do you want him dead anyway? He’s your brother”

“Family relationships don’t work the same way in hell as they do on earth y/n… He is older, so he is going to get hell when father decides so, but not if he’s dead. Not if the only heritage alive is me”

You nod, understanding the points he just made. You couldn’t back off, he would kill you. “Forgive me, I never asked you, what’s your name?” You ask.

“Jeon Jungkook”

[ooc-but-stylish]

iprinny

 “There’s a lot that gets me about the love story in FFXV and how it…”

Im super curious to know what your thoughts are on that absurdity with prompto’s “dramatic reveal” in chapter 13

Hoo boy. My opinion about the “dramatic reveal” is pretty much my opinion on the whole game, which is 

“Good plot, terrible execution”

Prompto was an MT? Neat. However,

it should have happened earlier

it should’ve been resolved earlier

it should have had a bit more foreshadowing if it was going to be dragged out to Chapter 13 of all things. 

With regards to the actual scene, my first impressions were “Damn, Prompto looks good for a guy that fell off a moving train and got tortured!” then “Oh, oh shit, this is the twist– Prompto’s gonna strangle the shit out of Noct, isn’t he? He’s right there–” and finally “…. Oh.”

The game has Prompto like “Oh, I’ve been tortured for a while in this dungeon, also I wanna tell you guys I’m a Nif/MT”(1) and the bros are like “Ok so? That doesn’t change anything. We still care about you.” which matches more the reaction parents should have when their kid comes out of the closet than anything else. One of their own revealed themselves to be part of the same army that, like, has been attacking them relentlessly on the World Map every 15 minutes ( and interrupting the important dialogue we’ll never hear again ). You know the reaction Wakka had about Rikku being Al Bhed? Yeah. I was expecting that, most likely from Gladio. But they’ve known each other since they were kids, more or less, and those of us who have played the game, regardless of whether we did or didn’t see Brotherhood or the extra media, have likely already seen proof of their unwavering friendship toward each other even in portions of the game where it wouldn’t even make much sense for them all to still be cool.(2) So this… is a waste. It reinforced what we already knew. It served no purpose except to reveal a plot-convenient serial code on his wrist to help them escape, and it raised more questions. 

MTs are made from daemons made from Starscourged humans, and Niflheim would need a lot of humans, so they started making clones and infecting them. Prompto is supposedly one of them, but escaped when he was super young and adopted into the Argentum family. Okay, so who got him out of that lab? Why did he still have “no parents” in Brotherhood? Who were his parents? Were they natives to Insomnia? How did he get a nice place to live in and not end up in the outskirts/slum parts of Lucis on account of his being a foreigner? If he got a serial code imprinted when he was a baby, wouldn’t it have deformed as he grew up? How did it maintain its shape? Was the barcode the same size throughout his life? Why isn’t he wearing light-resistant armor, like the other MTs? This is stuff we’d have to read the Wiki or the strategy guide about, except I’m still asking these questions, so the answers exist nowhere. Even to this day. And people still have theories on whether the Naga in the beginning of the game ( the one that kidnapped Prompto and cried about her baby ) was actually Prompto’s mother. That’s fucked up storytelling, not because they did it on purpose, but because they didn’t.

The reveal happens and is resolved so quickly, no one has the time to process anything. A lot of this game is pretty much “Here’s this earth-shattering detail! Let us never speak of it again”. 

Like, yeah, Noct is broken up he attacked Prompto and knocked him off the train, but did he process the part where he said everything was Prom’s fault and demanding that Prom stop following him around? Right to his face?

Did no one stop to think that Ardyn being able to make himself look like another person means that there’s 0 chance any of them would know for certain that their allies were their allies? Wouldn’t they be in an intensely paranoid state, questioning each other on stuff the “real” them would know about? How do any of them know Ardyn isn’t still right there, hiding in plain sight?

Details that would have worked as foreshadowing for Prompto’s reveal, instead of Ardyn dropping eleventh hour infodumps on Niflheim’s army allowing for post-hoc bullshit:

The constant Magitek encounters come specifically from the Nifs geotracking Prompto’s barcode. The party actually brings up the frequency of these attacks, but Prompto is hesitant to say anything.

None of the Magiteks attack Prompto, focusing on the other three in the party instead of “one of their own”. Possibly dumb luck, and saves every gamer the trouble of Prompto always dying first somehow.

Increased frequency of goofy Ardyn selfies and creepy Prompto pictures on any day Ardyn is with the party.

Instead of Ardyn’s “stitch in time” thing that is never explained again, and Ardyn’s immortality just being the Astrals going “Ew, cooties” and banning him from the Beyond to inflict him on the living, have this: the way 'Ardyn’ appears and disappears is by body-hopping from one Starscourge-afflicted/daemonified person to another. Some individuals are more receptive to him than others based on how far along they are in their daemonification or MT experiments. So why was he on that train, in the place of Prompto? Because something inside Prompto allowed him to be there ( enough to alter his looks but not his speech patterns ). He could drop that particular bomb in Ch 12 before telling Noctis that Prompto is in Gralea.

Ardyn’s immortality comes from the fact that when he ‘dies’, he just manifests in the next likely person to host him or maybe someone of his choosing if he wants. That adds the drama of Ardyn not really ever being dead for good, and the possibility that he could take over Prompto in his next life if he felt like it. That’s a better justification for “You have to kill this dude, then kill yourself, then kill him again” than “Because the gods said so”.

TLDR the Prompto reveal sucked ass.

(1) Let me get this out: Fuck This Game. The localization sucks in its consistency by language. Bahamut is either the Draconian or the Aetherian. Ardyn could have either vaguely “known�� Gentiana died, or personally had a hand in killing her. Izunia is either a relative of Ardyn, and Noctis’s ancestor, or is a completely random name Ardyn made up that he forgot the origins of. The Japanese version of the game, rather than hinting that Prompto is an MT, has sections where Ardyn instead taunts Noctis about “Did you know he’s originally from this city?”, and when Prompto reveals it to the group he says “I’m a person of Niflheim”. Even the JP VA confirmed it. So whether or not Prompto is even a Magitek is dependent on language of the game. I can understand that they were trying to go for, but they should have been consistent. Must have been something to do with the constant rewrites of the plot.

(2) Fuck This Game Part Duh: No, seriously. It tried to eat its cake and still have it, and I’ll tell you why. The game doesn’t actually give a shit about your choices. It wants its narrative both ways, telling us that Noctis in particular has certain “fixed” character traits but giving us a choice to make him another way in his dialogue options typical of Western RPGs which have “blank slate” characters. Using both methods and no lasting plot divergences to support those choices beyond the immediate cutscene makes it so that the dialogue options have no impact on the story or make sense, suggesting you play it “Square’s way” or else the game ignores your choices, which is fundamentally not how open world western RPGs work.

A playthrough in which Noctis acts like a total jerk to Prompto and dismissing him every chance he gets will still result in Prom wanting to hear from Noct that he cared about his well being, as well as Prom expressing sadness that Noct will die. 

A playthrough where Noctis puts only platonic or indifferent notes into the book he sends to Luna will still result in the scenes in Chapter 9 where he sheds a tear at her speech, laments that he wanted to save her, and then is quiet rather than impassioned and vengeful, even though he summoned Ramuh and busted a base to rescue the Regalia and to get revenge for Jared of all people.

A playthrough where the Altissian woman interrogates Noctis and Noctis answers by straight-up fucking metagaming and showing more understanding of the lore of the story than he’s ever been told and treating her with respect should count as “gaining her implicit trust”, but we still see a scene where Luna is sitting in the chair across from the Altissian woman and Imperial forces come in and surround Luna anyway, meaning the Altissian lady sold them out.

A playthrough where Noctis only ever responds maturely to Gladio, and his conversations with others have the options for him to act like a leader and the King he’s meant to be, will still result in Gladio chewing him out unnecessarily while the game clunkily tells us Noctis “is a spoiled brat/selfish”, “is being immature” and was “moping for weeks” about Luna even though we just saw her death five minutes ago and Noctis is shown to be quiet but otherwise not stalling the quest in any way. We didn’t even see a funeral, or excessive crying or outbursts, or Noctis demanding that everyone focus on his pain and staying in Altissia locked in a hotel room. He’s just quiet on a train. 

Chapter 13 of the game is especially awful, when both it and Ardyn insist that Noct is supposed to be some scared, frightened puppy without his weapons when he’s wielding the most canonically powerful item in the game, casually ripping gashes in reality and insta-killing a fortress full of daemons with an anti-daemon ring, and the player is able to ignore most (if not all) stealth mechanics and blitz through that chapter with no penalty.

For those that did the side quests throughout the game, the only trait from gameplay that sticks in the narrative is that Noctis is a passive entity. He’s told to do something, he just does it. Otherwise, no matter what, even if you played the game and had Noctis act like a rude shit and played as if none of the Bros were his Bros, they’re still going to be Bros. They’re still going to care about him, including Prompto. Especially Prompto.

[rosiedoestumblr]

Because @awake-atnight​ is incredible, she liveblogged her reading of the last few chapters of TWNW. I’ve replied to the others on AO3, but this one wasn’t posted in full, so I’m going to do it here, but reblogging makes it hard to in a hidden post, so I’m going to do it in a new post.

The lesson, my friends, is if you want me to talk at you about a bunch of ‘behind the scenes’ stuff for my fics, comment on them and ask questions / utterly lose your shit because TWNW!Joe is a small, broken w00b.

TWNW Chapter 21: liveblog

@rosiedoestumblr hello darkness my old friend

Can I just say that the chapter title is ominous as hell?

You can and it was meant to be. They all give an insight into what’s going on this chapter, so you could use them as a kind of barometer, I guess.

“If you love me at all, don’t call.” OKAY. OKAY starting off on a POSITIVE NOTE.

Emo lyrics from an emo band for an emo teenager in an emo situation.

Usually, he’d have yelled in frustration, or swore, but in that moment all he could do was fist his hands in his hair and curl his elbows around himself. Why was this happening to him? Why did literally everything he touched turn to shit? He always tried to do what was best for everyone else, but all he asked for was time - time to figure himself out, time to himself, time to sleep, and it was just too much to ask, wasn’t it?

AHHHHHH. Joe is falling apart so hard. All he wanted this whole time was time to think stuff through and for time, especially people in his life, to stop moving so he could try and fix things.

He did, and it wasn’t really a lot to ask, except he wasn’t really communicating it well or sticking to it and Patrick’s an eighteen year old kid, too. Expecting him to behave in an adult way when Joe wasn’t, really, was kind of unfair.

But its’ important to realise that Joe was having a really rough time and that he wasn’t in the best place himself, so he was never going to behave truly rationally.

I love the way you’re portraying Joe. It’s so rare to see Joe in a position of weakness or the one who doesn’t have their shit together, because general fandom perception pegs Joe as the one who can take care of himself, and it’s so easy to forget that Joe’s the youngest and grew up well off and has so many things wrong with him and he’s very quick to doubt and blame himself and fall hard, you know? He’s so broken and lost and vulnerable and it’s interesting to read, but heartwrenching because it’s portrayed so realistically. The lack of hygiene, the small and rare meals, and the lack of social interaction makes my heart ache.

Thank you! It is kind of weird to me how people often portray Patrick as this dainty, fragile little thing, but if you dig around a bit, it’s teenage Joe posting blogs on the band’s website about being so depressed he wasn’t getting dressed or going to college. More recently, he’s talked about some of his struggles and things and it really illustrates that he’s a much more complex person than fandom usually gives him credit for. Sometimes it’s important as a writer to delve into the things you can find out and actually interpret them and what they might imply, rather than taking things at face value.

Patrick would finish with a soft, ‘Okay’ and his bedroom door would close and the music would come on - songs like smoke signals, messages for Joe to decipher.

Such a Patrick thing to do. It’s nice to see how hard Patrick and Pete are trying to reach out to Joe and help him.

Patrick’s trying really hard - but maybe Joe’s right and it’s too late. I mean, how did he think all of this was going to pan out?

NO, Joe’s rejecting help and he’s neglecting to talk to his mom, which is awful and stressful and worrying for Cathie’s end of it. It’s so???? Terrible to see Joe like this, especially with how far things have come.

At the bottom, wrapped in lopsided brackets, was the simple addendum, I’m worried about you, too.

Sweet beautiful caring Patrick please make sure Joe’s okay. I can understand how Joe wants Patrick to feel guilt or at least not feel like the victim when he made that choice in the last chapter. Still, Joe’s agonizing and punishing himself over this overall.

I mean, it’s textbook depression and we could blame Patrick and what happened, but this has all been brewing for a long time - certainly a few months in fic time. Even the futility he felt around their break up and just before, regarding their relationship and college and the band. It’s all indicative of a young dude who isn’t really feeling right and is full of doubts and negative perceptions.

Maybe he was an idiot for ever entertaining the idea that Patrick really felt for him the way he felt for Patrick. After all, he got everything else wrong.

DDDD: Joe!! Joe! Everything’s truly falling out now. All the insecurities and such Joe’s had seem to be coming true and there’s nothing he can do to fight it.

Well, pretty much.

That he could disappear into some parallel universe, where it was just him, alone, with nothingness…The fact was, this was truly the lowest Joe had ever felt, and he didn’t know how to make it better…

Jesus. Can we talk about how these lines resonate on a universal level? Joe…

Thanks, dude. Poor kid is in utter despair.

When Patrick called him Bambi I had to get up and leave my laptop to calm down, like??? This is HORRIBLE AND IM TEARING UP?? Both of them are so hurt and everything is broken and jesus CHRIST.

I design my fics to be read in small burst of “FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!”

As I have said before, the word Bambi is always deployed for MAXIMUM FEELS.

When Doves Cry: I hate you and your use of music that works so perfectly in situations.

I’ve been planning that particular Mother of All Feels Bombs for ages. 

I mean, it’s Prince and the lyrics...

How can you just leave me standing? Alone in a world that's so cold? (So cold) Maybe I'm just too demanding Maybe I'm just like my father too bold Maybe you're just like my mother She's never satisfied (She's never satisfied) Why do we scream at each other This is what it sounds like When doves cry

Touch if you will my stomach Feel how it trembles inside You've got the butterflies all tied up Don't make me chase you Even doves have pride

Patrick and Pete’s conversations, i adore them. Any insight into Pete’s character and their relationship is helpful in seeing situations from a separate perspective than Joe’s. Pete’s trying to explain himself and also take responsibility for trying to help the two move on, and only making things worse. I love Joe’s indignation at Pete’s advice, then realization that Pete is right about what’s happening right now.

I will eventually write some Moving Pictures ficlets about Patrick and Pete’s relationship, but I just don’t enjoy writing it and I don’t want to reveal or deny anything in those that might influence or spoil future scenes.

Patrick’s gold pendant glinted in the light, swinging from the door handle.

I’m??????? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT ROSIE I’M LITERALLY SO HURT RIGHT NOW IMmmmmm dead inside goodbye

You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for that pendant to be given back, dude. NO IDEA.

he hadn’t stopped loving him and it felt like his belly had been cut and his insides had fallen out. It was the same kind of wound - horrifying and terminal.

Can I just say how much I love the conflict in Joe’s thoughts throughout the story? How he voices or wants one thing but really means another, it really shows how young he is (and everyone is young in this story) and how lost or conflicted in what he really wants. He’s trying to navigate himself and pick himself up, but at the same time, he feels like nothing will work and wants to give up. It’s just–young and heartbroken and feeling depressed in life? So many things are wrong. He was right in that he couldn’t do this balancing act and things fell apart so quick.

Thanks, dude, and I think I talked about this before, but Joe just wasn’t well prepared for The Real World or being an adult, or adult relationships, or any of it. His loving and well meaning parents didn’t really furnish him with a lot of practical life skills, but they did show him that a loving relationship is loving and playful and laidback, seemingly all the time, so when his wasn’t... Well, he thought it was a catastrophe.

If only he’d been better, if he hadn’t broken things off, if he’d done the right thing all that time ago and refused to bow to the pressure to date him to begin with, then maybe he wouldn’t feel like this. Joe’s thoughts sound like they’re flying through his head, like he’s been obsessing over them all this time, like how he’s been remembering the good memories and torturing himself with them. It’s an awful, relatable feeling.

Well, exactly. It’s certainly symptomatic of both depressive and obsessive compulsive issues.

Oh, my god, the scene with Joe and his mom is so much. On one hand, I’m glad that Joe goes back and bawls to his mom because he’s finally letting everything out and going to someone he trusts and loves for comfort, especially since one of the main things that’s been weighing on his mind is what his mom would think of Patrick and Joe breaking up, after all they’ve been through. He feels like a failure, and it’s hitting so hard.

okay first off: I literally want to start crying because Joe is crying and telling everything to his mom and it HURTS but it’s hopefully cathartic and it’s GOOD that he’s talking to someone about it outside the situation. God, I keep having to walk away from this because it hurts so bad and hits close to home, that feeling of falling apart. The mention of his mom telling him to take a shower just…hits home a lot. Showers after crying your eyes out makes things a lot better.

In the first version of this chapter, I actually wrote a full scene about Patrick trying to talk to Patrick the next day and Joe just not wanting anything to do with him. The reference to orange tiles and crying into his t-shirt was actually shown in ‘real time’ and it was really fucking sad, but it would have just been a chapter of them consciously Not Talking and it would have been dull as fuck.

I also think that as youngsters in particular, feeling like you’re not allowed to cry as a dude keeps you in a state like a pot about to blow its lid. Half the time, even when he’s weeping, he’s telling himself he’s not crying and no unleashing those really big, carthartic, can’t-breathe sobs.

You’re right about the shower thing, but it was mostly that he hadn’t showered in days and he smelled.

“You sound like Andy…”

“Good. That means there’s someone looking out for you when I can’t.”

I literally put my hands to my chest over my heart and went “OHH” in PAIN because that’s such a MOM THING TO SAY AND IM SO HURT and glad that Andy’s been there most of the time for Joe to lean on. #Andyhurleyisunderappreciated2017

Andy is underappreciated and we’ll see more of him again in future chapters. He is also Joe’s Other Mom.

God, Joe’s family is so good. “Well, I feel like a pretty useless heart doctor if I can’t mend yours. Why’d you go and get it broken? I could have just given you a stent if you’d needed that!” I love his dad so much.

Richard Trohman: Pro Dad-Joker. Even in times of misery, he will still pun your ass. It’s a defence mechanism.

OH god, that was an emotion filled ending. The news that they’re getting signed, Joe being adamant that he’s quitting and Pete being adamant that Joe’s being stupid and running away from his problems. Pete’s always acted as a good reality check throughout the story, though brash and blunt and sometimes asshole-ish. Pete has some great points about what’s happened, and it definitely shows that Patrick’s been confiding in him on what’s been happening off-screen.

We’re just a few months from TTTYG being released now. We’ve reached two years in fic time. The band has got to move forward.

Pete’s very astute and he knows how to press people’s buttons and what will cut them down to size in an instant, and he’s not afraid to use it. But if you did the same back to him, he’d take it like a little whiny brat.

For a moment, Pete stared at him like he wanted to break his nose. “No, obviously I don’t, 'cause like, I don’t know how it feels to see the person you love hooking up with someone else, right? When the fuck would I ever get any experience of that? God. You’re such a self-absorbed little shit.”

Joe felt the words like a punch in the stomach. I fucking called it…

Jesus CHRIST, that’s a wham statement. Even so, it’s still ambiguous as hell to me, because Pete could be referring to Patrick or his past relationships with Jeanae/Morgan, or both, or neither. It’s obvious to see which way Joe interprets it. 

Well caught, on that. Joe has no idea who or what Pete’s talking about, but he does totally assume the worst, because Joe always assumes the worst.

Plus Pete’s line of do it for Andy makes me curious and happy that Andy isn’t being forgotten in all of this. He’s as committed to the band as the rest of them, and despite his lack of presence in the apartment, he’s just as involved in everything as everyone else.

There’s a few lines explaining what it means in the next chapter, but if I remember correctly, Andy’s mum had been seriously ill during his Kill Pill days - see Andy’s Song for reference - and out of all the band, he’s from the poorest background.

Besides, Andy is Joe’s hero, if he’s going to do it for anyone...

In conclusion: The happiness from (what I would consider) the first half of the story seems absolutely gone. This is definitely a fall from grace for the guys. Joe’s at his lowest moment, in a depressed state, rarely eating, interacting, attending classes. Patrick and Joe seem almost unsalvageable. It’s absolutely awful, and from Joe’s view, everything’s been one failure after another when trying to be independent and an adult. God, I wanted to bawl so many times reading this, all his thoughts were so close to home and how he breaks down when he sees his mom was so heartbreaking.

*whispers* Go for it, no one’s looking. Joe is testament to what happens when you bottle things up.

But in short, yeah. Some serious shit has gone down and it would be reasonable to think that it has left them both feeling really shitty and in a place where they can’t easily communicate or forgive each other, anymore.

Pete’s scenes were so good, I love seeing his character and the difference in how he treats Patrick and Joe, and how coarse he comes off but still golden at heart (though it’s hard to see), and trying to look out for his friends. You can tell he’s trying to focus on the band and it taking off since it’s been what he and Andy, all of them have invested in, and his frustration comes out because of the break up between Joe and Patrick, which he warned them about (and sort of brought about, and made worse) taking a toll on the band.  

I’m really glad you think so, because TWNW!Pete isn’t always the most likeable person (but IMO, neither is IRL!Pete and I think that’s even part of his appeal to some people) and I know it can come off quite harsh.

I mean, as I’ve mentioned in the past, I have a good friend who grew up with Pete in his teens and twenties, and one way of putting it is that Pete’s very driven. He had this idea of what he wanted to do with his life and he made it happen. He always said he was going to do X Thing and he damn well found a way to make it happen. So, realistically, he was never going to sit by and let this stuff happen by itself. At this stage, he knows that a pop-punk band is way more marketable than the music he wanted to make at that age so that’s what he’s running with.

I’m hurt and so many things have happened that hurt me and I’m happy that Joe has a family structure that allows him to go home for comfort, but at the same time, he’s spiralling hard and running away and giving up on life, and those distressing borderline suicidal statements make me worry like Mom Trohman. Everything is burning but things are starting to look up, band wise. Hopefully Joe can rise to the occasion.

(It won’t let me quote the next bits individually, so it’s bullet points, ‘m afraid!)

Honestly, I think a different kid from a different family might actually have pursued those thoughts, but TWNW!Joe’s kind of not made quite that way. In reality, he’d rather suffer through it so he has something to be a martyr about.

The fact he has such amazing parents is really important, though. If the little idiot had gone to them sooner, it’s fairly likely that none of this would have happened.

Songs that remind me of this chapter (aka me being weird and analyzing stuff):

YOU ARE REVERSE SONG-FICCING MY FIC AND IT’S AMAZING!

Parachute

by Ingrid Michaelson, which was on repeat while I read this whole chapter. It feels like a song that describes, to me, how Joe and Patrick tried to make their relationship work after graduation because people thought it wouldn’t work out (Patrick’s mom, Pete, etc) because they believed they could do it and they love(d?) each other.

They wanna see us fall, they wanna see us fall down

Then the song goes on to describe how the singer has full faith in their lover to catch them and protect them if things fall. Still, the songs rings like an ironic echo to me. It feels like a Joe song, sort of, how Joe built Patrick on a pedestal, and how he has a lot of dependence on Patrick that sometimes turns into neglect when Joe pushes Patrick away and forgets to consider Patrick’s feelings in the matter. 

Aw, those poor silly, sweet boys. I think that’s really true and it actually goes both ways - Patrick does really and truly adore him throughout the preceding chapters and towards the end it’s definitely kind of the opposite of Joe’s ‘jumping before I’m pushed’ thing - he’s jumping in the hope that Joe will be shocked enough to come after him, realising what he’s losing, but he’s also a little bit mad and being slightly passive aggressive. Taking the “it’s too late” thing too far.

The line

I don’t believe anything, don’t trust anyone but me

remind me of Joe’s distrust of Pete and his intentions and what he has to say about Patrick.

Oh yeah, absolutely.

Don’t believe the things you tell yourself so late at night/And, you are your own worst enemy, you’ll never win the fight

- Joe’s doubts and insecurities that plague him, and how he ends up being the one that causes the misery and instigates the break up because he got into his head about it. Everything was overwhelming, he couldn’t win.

This is lovely and very accurate.

The fall out and everything that comes after, and when Joe is spiralling, and the song feels like lovesick, sad, secretive promise to oneself.

I won’t fall out of love, I fall into you

- Joe trying to move on and yet still love Patrick and how that tears him apart inside. The part of this chapter that reminded me of this the most was how he felt like Patrick giving back the gold pendant was like waving the white flag.

And I think that’s really the theme at the moment. He really is suffering, like you said in your message and it’s not helping either of them.

They either need to sort themselves out or move on, and unless they can both agree on what that means, they’re never going to be happy. So, that’s the problem to solve goibg forward, where now?

As always, thank you so much for caring about this fic the way you do, it invariably blows my mind. xoxo

[imsarabum]

Responses to {Part 18} I Won’t Stop You // Jeon Jungkook, Vampire!AU Asks~

Please ‘Keep Reading’ to find my response to your ask ^^ As always, I have copied and pasted all asks into this post in regards to last night’s chapter to avoid clogging up people’s dashboards and to avoid spoilers for those who may still wish to read the chapter. Thank you ^^ 

@im-that-chesire-jax said: “…i-it’s Dracula!”  OH MY GOD IM CRYING RIGHT NOW??? WHY AM I CRYING YOU CANT LEAVE IT AS A CLIFFHANGER LIKE THAT (I mean you can, you just did) BUT I AM AMAZED BY YOUR WRITING I WILL BE ITCHING FOR NEXT WEEK TOU COME.

Thank you babe! I’m happy you liked it and that you’re looking forward to next week c:

@takura-rin said: Ahhh, the new chapter was so awesome ;; I’ll almost forgot that the update was today.. I’m so exited whats happening next ;;

I’m glad you remembered that the update was today! hehe, thank you so much for reading it :)

@mysr3 said: Saraaa OMG WHAT HAVE U DONE! My heart just stopped at the ending(screams) can’t wait for next chapter. Well done love❤️ ahhh plz will there be drama in next chapter. Even Yoongi’s character is evil but he is my bias, hope his character is somehow okay. I love the part when JK introduced Y/N to his family, interesting encounter n well explained details. U portrayed him such cute little boy who needs his mum to help with revealing his secrets. I screamed when he announced Y/N his partner n GF ><

A cute little boy haha yes! I guess even Vampires can be nervous when introducing their gf to their parents. But even more so for Jungkook because his gf is a human and he is a royal Vampire heh~ Thank you so much for reading the chapter my love!

@animeimmortal said: “lovely. Oh thats lovely. Awwww that’s nice. ^^ . Great looking party. what. What. WhAT. FUCK. WHAT. SHIT. WAT. FAK. WHHAAAAAAAT. oh shit.” I Won’t Stop You part 18 - a summary (cont.) also: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMN BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHH

What a perfect summary! hahaha~ I really hope you enjoyed it and thank you so much for reading it!

Anonymous said: OH MY GOD IT WAS SO GOOD!!! I may or may not have laughed when she said “it’s Dracula,” but I can’t wait until the next part! There’s something about your writing that draws the reader in, and I feel as if I’m really in the story. You describe things in such a way that it’s like it’s happening to me, and I’m feeling the same things that they’re feeling in the story. You’re so talented and I hope that, if you enjoy it, you never stop writing because you’re so amazing at it.

Ahhhh thank you so so much! It’s so good to hear that you can really feel all the emotion as if you are truly there. You’re so sweet and kind and yes, I really do enjoy writing so I won’t be stopping! haha thank you for reading and messaging me too :)

Anonymous said: Oh dear I’m not gonna survive the next chapter am I? Please have mercy and don’t kill me entirely, you’ve already done half the job in this chapter

Hmmm I wonder c: hehe thank you so much for reading and despite being half dead, I hope you enjoyed the chapter!

Anonymous said: WHY DO YOU DO THE THINGS YOU DO!? DO YOU KNOW HOW AMAZING YOUR STORY IS!? DO YOU KNOW KNOW HOW MUCH STRESS AND PTSD IT GIVES!? THIS IS AMAZING AND THE CLIFFHANGER AND EVERYTHING JUST URGHHHHHHHH

I apologise for any stress and PTSD caused! D: You’re welcome for the cliffhanger :P It seems I’ve caused a little distress with it - whoops :) hehe thank you so much for reading the chapter!

Anonymous said: Omg just read the new chapter and I don’t know how u do it. I literally felt like I was feeling her every emotion, like seriously you should have seen me, I was shaking in my chair from the anxiety! I love your work and will continue to follow you and read everything you write!! LOVE YOU XXX

Awww poor babe but I’m glad I could make you feel the emotions she was feeling in the chapter! Thank you so much my love and I greatly appreciate that ^^ I love you too!!

@omelys-space said: OH MY LORD THINGS WILL GET REAL NOW !!! Holy Shit I am so excited 😍 And Jungkook is such a babe man I wish I could date someone like him such a gentleman  Protect your girl!  So cute and Taehyung and Jimin just yes 😍 Thank you for this update it is amazing and a huge thank you for updating every week ❤❤❤❤

I know right when will I ever had a protective Vampire boyfriend to keep me safe from evil Vamps like Yoongi :c hehe~ Thank you so much my love and I’m so happy that you enjoyed it!

@semisweetsuga said: AAAAAAAAAAA THAT WAS. SUCH A GOOD CHAPTER I’M DECEASED AHHHHHHHH

HELLO KOTO THANK YOU BABU I’M HAPPY THAT YOU WERE THOROUGHLY SHOOK

Anonymous said: OK I’VE JUST FINISHED IT AND OMG CAN YOU NOT WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LEAVE IT ON SUCH A CLIFFHANGER although on a calmer note I’m so so so happy we’re now getting to the actual climax of the story 🎉🎉 - silent anon (cont.) Aside from being more-hyped-than-necessary for next week already, I also can’t wait to see how the rest of Jungkook’s family are going to react to OC calling Yoongi ‘Dracula’ - silent anon (not so silent anymore) (cont.) Also Happy Valentines !!! And I want to second what jiminiespinkie was saying about you being better that many published writers - she is 100% correct, you’re such a good writer you could honestly just get a writing career right now. I hope you were just being modest when you said you’ve got a long way to go before publication, and that you’re well aware of and are completely confident in how good of a writer you are - silent anon (So sorry for the spam, I keep forgetting to add things 😷)

You think this is the climax of the story?….that’s…interesting. c: Thank you so much for reading and I hope you’ll enjoy next weeks as much as this weeks! And yes, Happy Valentines Day to you too (even tho it’s not Valentines Day any more now but I still got a lot of love to give lol) And in regards to the publishing idea, I HAVE looked into different options, but tbh it makes me so anxious haha. Like, it feels really pretentious of me to actually charge money for people to read what I write. Like real talk, I would feel really weird asking people like even for £1 for a book lol but who knows what will happen in the future. Maybe you’ll see a published author called Sara Eren in 10 years time or something haha. Thank you so much for your lovely and encouraging words, they really made me happy and I smiled so much ^^ You’re so wonderful!

@jauntyjin said: I CABT FUCKING WAIT U TIL NEXT TUESDAY TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS

YAY I HOPE YOU’LL ENJOY NEXT WEEK’S UPDATE TOO! :D Thank you so much :D

Anonymous said: Happy Valentines Day Sara! ❤️ Your writing is something I live for, and I’m so blessed you’re blessing us with a new chapter of “I Won’t Stop You” on this day ✨✨

Happy Valentines Day lovely anon! You’re so welcome and thank you so much for reading it in return ❤️

@moonlighthollow said: Ok first of all I’m SO impressed on how well described &matching(if that’s even a word to describe someone idek😂) your characters are,i mean i can totally imagine taehyung being like this even tho he isn’t gay(･ิω･ิ)but his behavior, the way he talks &the way you describe his expressions are SO on point idk if that makes any sense😂besides of that i love this story so much i think it’s my fav. Story of all so far cause it’s so well written &researched😍& OMG I’M DYING YOONGIS PART IS NEXT OMFG

I’m really happy to know that you think everything is well described ^^ Don’t worry, it makes perfect sense! I understand completely what you’re saying hehe ^^ Thank you so much my darling and I hope you’ll like next week’s update too! :D

Anonymous said: Oke-No. I’m not okay. You know, I’d want to hit u, but that’s not nice and u are SUCH AN AMAZING WRITER. So I’ll just go into cardiac arrest until next monday. Bye.  R.I.P

Pls don’t hit me I’m very small and unaggressive and I’d probably cry my eyes out lolol Thank you so much! I’m really glad you liked(?) the chapter haha! Thank you again my love ^^

@wonderful39530 said: If I could have a pic that could express how I’m feeling about chapter 18 on I Wont Stop You lets just say it’ll be all over the place!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!!

Awwwww thank you so much babe! Thank you for enjoying it and reading it, that means so much to me ^^ Stay awesome my dear!

@hayley797-blog said: You killed me.You killed my non existent heart.I wish you could update sooner I can’t wait a whole week…but I guess I just have to wait.Omg I loveee your stories

I apologise for killing you *tries to bring you back to life) haha :c I wish I could update more often too but it takes time to write each chapter unfortunately! Thank you so much babe, I’m so happy that you’re enjoying it!

@fashionkilla124 said: THATS IT IM SELLING MY SOUL TO KFC FOR 5 DOLLARS I CANT NOOO YOONGI WHY

NO DON’T SELL YOUR SOUL TO KFC. SELL IT TO ME INSTEAD. ;D

Anonymous said: Ah I love your writing! Do you know how many chapters might be in IWSY so I know the date I will die? Fighting!

Thank you so much darling!! And no, I’m sorry but I have no idea how many chapters there will be!

@audreymv said: IM NOT READY OMG WHO JUST WALKED IN???? Omg i am on edge and like beautiful. Your writing makes me want to cry and i might just like how. You are so amazing Sara. How dare I not read this for 1 week like. This is my favorite series and you are one of my favorite writers, too. Why are you so amazing. Just i am so overwhelmed. Like please let something not go wron

YOU DON’T KNOW WHO JUST WALKED IN??? xD Ahhh don’t worry about not reading for one week, it’s okay! You can always come back to here because it’s not going anywhere! Thank you so much my love, you’re so sweet and lovely to me and I really appreciate it more than I can describe ^^ Thanks for reading and I hope you’ll enjoy next weeks’ chapter too! :D

Anonymous said: And yet again you slayed me with your amazing writing skills, seriously, you never fail to make me happy every single thursday -cat anon

Hello Cat anon! Yay, I’m so happy it slayed you hehe~ ^^ I’m so happy I can make you happy every single week and I hope I can continue to do that for you as the story continues as well! Thank you so much my dear :D

Anonymous said: I’M MAD AT YOU BUT I REALLY LOVE YOU AT THE SAME TIME BUT LIKE SERIOUSLY YOU CANT JUST END THE CHAPTER LIKE THAT BC AAAHHHHHSMJISMID. IDMMXKSM C M J. SKAK,SMIC. IWSY IS GREAT KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK

PLEASE DON’T BE MAD AT ME ;; It seems I’ve caused a few people some distress with my cliffhangers once again, but…it’s fun :P I’m innocent I swear! heheh thank you so much for reading the chapter my dear it means a lot to me!^^

Anonymous said: hOLY FREAKING SHIT. THAT ENDING WITH THE GUYS (Yoongi, Jhope, Rapmon and Jin right?) LEFT ME DYING I WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT OMGOMGOMG I HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER WEEK??!?!?!? I WONT SURVIVE I HAVE TO KNOWWWWWWWW

DING DING DING WE HAVE A WINNER! lolol c: You’ll have to survive another week to find out my love, but thank you so much for reading and I hope you’ll enjoy it again next week! :D

Anonymous said: OMG THAT CHAPTER I’M CRYING IT WAS SO GOOD also I’m a Lil confused so like what must one do to become a full vampire?? Like what was it that made jimin so relieved?

Thank you so much my love! And in regards to Jimin, I guess you’ll just have to wait for the story to explain as the chapters continue! Sorry, no spoilers ;D

Anonymous said: FUCK👏 ME👏 UP 👏WITH 👏THIS👏 NEW 👏CHAPTER 👏 Like I swear whenever Jungkook gets all playful I DIE! And that Yoongi reveal at the end literally is so great to the plotline. I swear you are one of the best writers out here and thanks for taking your time with such a masterpiece 😊

Yessssssss I’m so happy to know that! And ikr right? Playful and flirty VampKook got me feeling so hmhmmgkflmgspg lolol c: Thank you so much for your wonderful words, they mean the world and more to me, you have no idea ^^

Anonymous said: Your fanfic is amazing, I really love your writing, pls write some smutty blood sucking thnk u <3

I may or may not have a Jackson Wang oneshot Vampire!AU planned in the future~~ blood sucking smut included heh~ But you didn’t hear that from me! c: Thank you so much my love ^^

Anonymous said: SARA NOOOOOOOO. WHY YOU DO THIS?? I’ve been literally dying for jungkook to tell y/n what he really is omg I wanna know what’s gonna happen to them. AND NOW YOONGI SHOWS UP?? AND SHE RECOGNIZES HIM OMG. CRAP IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN. PLUS I WANNA KNOW WHAT Y/N IS OMGOMGOMG STAAAHHPP. How are you such a good writer omg.  - 7:45 anon

Hello again 7:45 anon! I’m so happy to know that I caused you a great deal of panic with this chapter :D hehe~ Thank you so much for reading and I hope next week’s update can evoke the same feelings, too :3 I hope you’re having a great week!

Anonymous said: SARA!!!!!!! HOW COULD YOU STOP THERE OH MY GOD!!!! I FEEL LIKE MY HEART IS GONNA BEAT OUT OF MY CHEST PLEASE TELL ME WHATS GONNA HAPPEN!!! IT WAS ALL GOING SO WELL AND THEN BAM THE D R A M A ABOUT TO UNFOLD

It’s always most calm before the storm c: Hehe I hope you enjoyed reading the chapter and thank you so much for reading it! ^^

Anonymous said: Tuesday is so far away 😩. How could you end it there oml. This is not a cliffhanger if I’m being thrown over the edge already. Great job great job. Tuesday can’t get here fast enough

Awww I’m so sorry my lil babes :c *pulls you off the cliff* it’s okay~ hehe Thank you so much and I hope that you’ll enjoy the next chapter!

@sehkii said: ooomg i love i won’t stop you sm and the way you right just??? blows my mind??? likE HOW??? i love how you’ve kept us on edge with everything going on and i think i figured what the mc is? at least what she can do? i mean you basically put it out there in the newest chapter but i’m pretty sure the mc speeds up the vampire transition time? aND THE REASON YOONGI WANTS HER IS TO CREATE AN ARMY OF VAMPIRES TO GET BACK AT THE JEONS??? THis is my theory but honestly i’m ready for anything fuck me up

Yes - it certainly appears that it is one of the powers that her ‘condition’ is made up of. But, I wonder if there is a deeper reason or meaning to it? Hm? c: Your deduction is clever and on the right path, so thank you for being so observant and picking up on that aspect, it makes me smile so much as the writer to see that :D Thank you also for reading it and messaging me afterwords with your theory, I enjoyed it quite a lot ;D hehe^^

Anonymous said: IM JUNGSHOOK. CHAPTER 18 GOT ME ALL THE WAY F***ED UP (excuse my language) LIKE EVERYONE IS LIKE 'Aye party lit af’ then it’s like *doors swing open* 'omfg ashdvnglf he’s arrived* and I’m just sad and lonely and upset but still extremely happy and in love with you. But like why you do dis. We have to wait a whole week to see what happens next. I love you 💜 ~LilKookie Anon

Hello LilKookie anon! LOL AYE PARTY LIT AF hahaha I laughed too much at that - why did I imagine Namjoon screaming that when I read it? xD Please don’t be sad and lonely, I’m always here for you ^^ and I love you too! Thank you so much for reading it and enjoying it my love, it means a lot to me! ^^

Anonymous said: Hey, I just wanted to let you know that your fics are still part of my self care routine. It’s Tuesday nights now :) Love your writing!!! - self-care anon

Hello self-care anon! Long time no talk my dear, how are you keeping? Have you been taking care of yourself? I hope so! And YAY I’m so glad I can still be a part of your self-care routine ^^ Thank you so much my love!

Anonymous said: I. AM. SCREAMING. OH MY GOSH. When she started chatting with the family I thought “oh man, what if Suga comes.” AND THEN AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. NO NO NO. Lolol Serrena super confused though. “what’s wrong wth the human???” Wow. You can’t just end it there!!!!! Wow. I am, wow. WOWOWOWOWOWOOWOW. Help. #IWSY

Lol yes! Because Serrena has no idea that the reader even knows who Yoongi is! The only people who know of her past thus far is Jungkook, Taehyung and Jimin bc of the Montgomery’s essentially fucking up and not realising that there was a young girl being left without parents too…:c Thank you so much for reading the chapter my love and I’m so happy you enjoyed it!

Anonymous said: OH SHIT ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE. THEY WERE GONNA TELL HER WHAT THEY WERE BUT FUCK YOONGI WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUNGKOOK WILL KILL YOU ALL THE JEONS REALLY. JUNGKOOK MUST BE SO CONFLICTED LIKE KILL YOONGI OR STAN WITH YN TO PROTECT HER. AND YN OH SHIT SHE IS GONNA PISS HER PANTS, FOR A GOOD REASONS. SARA I’M FUCKED UP SHIT OMG NO THIS CLIFFHANGER WRECKED ME I’VE SAID I NEED TUESDAY TO COME BUT NO NOW I REALLY REALLY NEED TUESDAY TO COME OMG POOR YN. JUNGKOOK FIX IT TTUTT OMG I’M SCREAMING SARA AHH

I APOLOGISE FOR WRECKING YOU WITH THE CLIFFHANGER BUT LETS BE HONEST YOU SHOULD EXPECT THAT FROM ME BY NOW ;D lolol Thank you for reading and again I apologise for any distress I caused with the cliffhanger muhahaha c:

@coppertopging said: AHFBEKDIVHNEKSIFNGNEKWFHRJR!!!! YOU ARE THE QUEEN OF CLIFFHANGERS!!! WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!??! *proceeds to ugly sob* i don’t like you right now…

*bows* yes, that I am ;D PLEASE LOVE ME I PROMISE I’M NOT THE EVIL CLIFFHANGER QUEEN I CLAIM TO BE :c lolol But…I hope you enjoyed it? xD Thank you for reading my love ^^

Anonymous said: HOW DARE YOU YOONGI OMG

*shakes fist* DAMN THAT RASCAL

Anonymous said: SARA I LOVE  YOUU THANK U SO MUCH FOR TGIS SERIE OMG THIS SO GOOD I NEED A DRINK

I LOVE YOU TOO AND YOU’RE WELCOME THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING - also, I take no responsibility for driving anyone to alcoholism due to my stories :x

@fragmentedxmemory said: OMG I Won’t Stop You is an AMAZING story!!! Holy cow so much emotion in the last chapter!!! I’m in love with this story and I’m in love with your writing talent. Keep up the great work and can’t wait for part 19. 😍😍😍👌🏽👌🏽

Hello lovely! Thank you so much for your wonderful words, and I’m so happy that you’re enjoying the story so far ^^ Thank you for reading and I hope you’ll enjoy the next one too!

Anonymous said: Jungkook: talks about how precious the reader is to him  Me: *is a crying mess*

Fun fact; my mum reads these chapters before I post them and she was a crying mess at that part. She thought it was so endearing of him to say and it made her very emotional aww c: Thank you for reading my dear!

@jynxy24 said: NEWEST CHAPTER MADE ME- URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I couldn’t wait for school to be over. Hahaha, I’ll have to study for an exam now, thanks so much for this amazong chapter, Sara! ^^

Ahhh Jynxy thank you so much for reading babe! I hope you can study well but don’t overwork yourself either! I hope you do well in your exam my love :D

Anonymous said: I LOVE THIS CHAPTER SO MUCH I’M SCREAMING - wedding anon

HELLO MY LOVE THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING I’M SO HAPPY YOU LOVED IT :D

Anonymous said: (IWSY is amazing my every message is by default talking about that haha) ANW thanks to you Sara I actually looked into got7 and Guess who just found a new bias 🌚 Choi youngjae 💙  -eggyook anon

Hello eggyook anon! Thank you so very much for reading the chapter and enjoying it ^^ You’re so awesome! AND OH MY GOD REALLY THAT’S AMAZING YES YOUNGJAE IS SUCH A PERFECT RAY OF SUNSHINE HE WILL FILL YOUR DAYS WITH ENDLESS LAUGHTER AND RADIANT LIGHT you made an excellent choice c: I’m so happy you could look into them because of me, that makes me so so happy c:

Anonymous said: IM SCREECHING YO THAT CLIFF HANGER THO HOW DARE U. THIS SHIT REALLY BUTTERS MY EGG ROLL U KNOW. IM SO HYPE FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER OML. I WANNA CRI FML. Also ilysm and I hope you’re happy and healthy ok bye 💕

“That shit really butters my egg roll” I’M FUCKING DYING NO STOP I LITERALLY PEED NO I HSDBGSKJDNGSN oh ym god i can’t breathe that fucked me up I’m using that in my own life now thank you so much for this eloquent expression LOL thank you so much for reading the chapter and I love you too! I hope you’re having an amazing week and I hope you are also happy and healthy my dear ^^

@cynicalspacehoe said: Oh. My. God. Chapter 18 had me extremely shook to say the least. Amazing job as always!

Thank you so much my dear I’m so happy you liked it! ^^

Anonymous said: Omg I.. The newest chapter of IWSY was amazing! It made me feel all kinds of things. I was so happy and nervous and terrified (and aroused) when the protagonist was feeling those things. UGH. YOURE AMAZING.

Yay I’m so glad you could feel all those wonderful things :3 YOU’RE EVEN MORE AMAZING thank you so much for reading it my love ^^

@ineffabl-y said: EVERYTHING CONNECTS AND MAKE SO MUCH MORE SENSE I’M SCREAMING AHHHHHHHHH🤸🏿‍♀️🤸🏿‍♀️🤸🏿‍♀️🤸🏿‍♀️

Yes yes yes everything will connect and things will all start to be revealed c: Thank you for reading honey! :3

[dreamscript]

HEY IT ME AGAIN-- LITERALLY SAME I GOT SICK AND LIKE IM STILL COUGHING AND I WANT IT TO STOP. LIKE. RIGHT. NOW. I hope you feel better soon! I can only imagine how bad you're suffering! Make sure to get lots of rest and binge watch Naruto hehehehe// I got sick around Christmas so it's kinda just here// But yeah lol just excuse me late responses (; 7 ; ) and yas girl just embrace you're inner otaku its okay xD (i wanna re-read Naruto actually//) OMG YES PLZ I LOVE YOUR FICS AND-

{CONT} YO HOW DARE YOU WRITE THAT JUNGKOOK FIC IM SHOOKED JKSDFNKJD// LMAO IF THAT AINT ME IN ANY MATH CLASS FUKFFKFKKFKF BUT ITS OKAY YOU CAN DO IT I BELIEVE IN YOU! There was freezing rain here a day or so ago. That was fun . u . (sobs) IF YOU COULD TWEEK MY BLOG OMG ID LOVE THAT. But the theme isn’t originally mine and I’d assume the original owner wouldn’t want the original code changed?

{CONT} IDK I wanted to change my theme for a while now // Something not endless scroll but just boxes for previews? Also I wanted a minimalistic theme based with pastel colours and black and white hehe/ ANYWAY NO NO WORRIES SOMETIMES IM JUST HERE WONDERING IF YOONGI SUED BIGHIT FOR DYING HIS HAIR TOO FREQUENTLY AND NOW HE BALD (LOL) BUT YEAH APPARENTLY THEY ARE SUPPOSE TO HAVE A COMEBACK IN FEBRUARY AND MY WALLET IS UPSET. I ALSO WANT THE NEW ARMY STICK FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL LOL

{CONT 3 xD} I’ve only read Naruto Manga so if you wanna screech with me about that lets do it ahaha/ HECK YES I WILL READ THEIR FIC- I WILL NOT STUDY JAHAJSDSDKJF Shout out to Cat and Fae too like i seriously love their fics- your Christmas series had me shooked!! Anyways I have so much work to do and so i will bother you later :) - Sakura !

IM HEALED AND BETTER NOW THANK YOU I HOPE YOU’RE FINE NOW TOO??!?! but i remember my doctor telling me once that if you’re still coughing like a month later you should get it checked out or something D:

and oh. my. god.

naruto.

LISTEN I LITERALLY CRY EVERYTIME IT MAKES ME SO EMO. I WATCHED NARUTO THE ROAD TO NINJA MOVIE LIKE TWO NIGHTS AGO AND I CRIED LIKE A BABY WATCHING HIM INTERACT WITH HIS PARENTS AND ALL LIKE D’:: highkey still hated on sasuke though

but yeah no it’s okay! i have super late responses as of late…. and it’s really only because i’ve been too emotionally spent by the end of the day or tired or busy or just “not feeling it”

idk, but i hope to get back into being more active. i miss this place. i miss interacting with others, as little of it i seem to be doing right now (guh _ _)

LOL I HAVE SO MANY SEX SCENES ALREADY PREWRITTEN OUT FOR HTE JUNGKOOK FIC AND SO NOW THAT I’VE GOT THE HARDEST PARTS DONE, IT’S JUST DOWN TO FILLING IN THE PLOT AND SUCH. aaaand that’s kinda hard too, but i think i’ll manage. hopefully.

(help)

dude it was rainy and windy and cold today and i had to go outside and the entire time i was walking/running/dying to class i was thinking a) why b) this was a Mistake

ah well in regards to your theme, usually the theme makers are okay with minor changes (sometimes major ones too) as long as you keep the credit and the changes are for personal use (as opposed to commercial use/redistribution, etc). just to be sure, you can just check their rules. they usually have that whole page/pop up or will simply include it in their theme code.

hmm what do you mean by boxes for previews? i don’t think i’ve ever seen such as thing. it sounds interesting, though. are they previews for like posts or…?

YEAH OMG I’M REALLY EXCITED BECAUSE FEBRUARY IS BOTH MINE AND ALSO @taesthetes​‘ BIRTHDAY MONTH SO ITS LIKE A BIRTHDAY PRESENT WOOHOO

thank you for loving our collaboration! i’m still amazed on how quickly we got things put together and everything… honestly… cat and @zephyoongist​ are so talented i don’t know what i’m doing here :’) (or where i would be without them)

and now finally…

(for the maaaain event)…

okaY OKAY I WILL SCREECH WITH YOU ABOUT NARUTO. RIGHT HERE. RIGHT NOW. just under the cut because spoilers:

I’M SUCH AN EMOTIONAL WRECK OVER NARUTO THE ONLY BEST WAY I CAN TRULY EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AT THE MOMENT IS JUST THROUGH BULLET POINTS SO:

i love kakashi

i also love gaara. i can’t choose between the two, but lately i’ve been more biased towards kakashi. i blame it on my sister because she’s always had a thing for him

(i still love you gaara its okay my sand child)

kakashi’s backstory had me in tears… like… with obito died and he’s telling kakashi he’ll give him his sharingan (the sharingan that he’d always been talking about that would get him to hokage) to be his eye to see the future…

i just..

fucking broke down man like dude… stop… you’re killing me here… and then how kakashi really changes afterwards

(okay but listen child kakashi was savage as fuck though and it was hilarious)

(also i know it’s a filler but that one episode in which it showed guy and kakashi comparing dick sizes as kids….,,..,.

….,,..i wasn’t expecting that at all but i don’t mind the info heheheheh heh /dies)

OKAY BUT THEN RIN DIES WHY

literally if she hadn’t died a lot of the issues in naruto wouldn’t have occurred but they fucking did

no i’m not blaming her she died for a noble reason okay it just makes me really sad i’m sorry

AND FINALLY MINATO DIES TOO AND KAKASHI IS THE LAST OF HIS TEAM IM EMO

on a side note minato and kushina were cute as fuck

ANYWAYS GAARA OH MY OH MY GOD MY POOR BABY as a kid he was so cute and just wanted some friends and was out helping all those villagers and such but then his damned dad just had to go and screw those things up like STOP IT HE;S MY CHILD

even though i love those two, my favorites are actually the akatsuki

like. they hate each other but istg they secretly love each other like have you seen kakuzu and hidan’s interactions??? they tease and insult and threaten (and have killed) each other but kakuzu is actually patient with hidan’s rituals and such, and hidan will still accompany kakuzu to the collection centers

also, when he sees asuma’s guardian shinobi thing the first thing that comes to mind is kakuzu and how he’d want him for the money and he’s like u gh but like !!!

and AND when hidan at first thinks he’s accidentally killed kakuzu in his fight with shikamaru & co., he has that look of panic ooooh my god I JUST GASHUDFJSDIJASD

also hidan is just hilarious. like when they go to recruit him he’s like “who are you guys, all wearing the same clothes?? are you guys an orchestra or band or something?”

/points at kakuzu/ bet you play the bass

/points at konan/ bet the girl does vocals and keyboards

/points at itachi/ …or do you do vocals…?

and then the first thing hidan and kakuzu do to each other is kill each other

the look of utter disbelief on both of their faces

“what the–why aren’t you dead?”

“bitch that hurt–wait. why aren’t you dead?”

but anyways we can’t forget about itachi and kisame either, now can we?? like. they are actually like the only partner group that openly got along with each other, and they were sad oh my god they were sad upon realizing each other’s death’s

and idk just the way kisame says “itachi-san” does something to me

 i t a c h i

oh boy i have so much to say about this kid

but before i move on i must! address! the others!!

okay so like deidara is actually op as fuck and sometimes idk i feel like he doesnt get enough credit?? idk.

BUT LIKE LISTEN OKAY HE GOES THREE DAYS AND THREE NIGHTS TO SEAL THE ICHIBI AKA SHUKAKU AKA GAARA’S TAILED BEAST and then immediately after decides to take on naruto (and kakashi)

AND HE ONLY HAD ONE ARM AT THE TIME HAVING JUST LOST ONE IN HIS FIGHT WITH GAARA LIKE WHAT IS THIS STAMINA AND HOW DOES HE NOT BLEED OUT THIS KID IS FUCKING AMAZING WHAT THE HELL

and he’s 19 like lol what bye

but anyways, after his “fight” he loses his other arm because kakashi and now he’s armless BUT THIS KID STILL HOLDS HIS OWN though completely on the defense AGAINST TEAM GAI LIKE WHAT THE FUCK HE’S AMAZING and then he manages to create a bomb without using any sort of handseals and fools them all into thinking he’s dead

like

i love this boy give him a metal why did he have to die so early why (yet another reason why i dislike sasuke lmfao)

black zetsu scares the fuck out of me (esp when i learned of his true past and intentions) but white zetsu!! he’s such a sweetie holy shit

I JUST REALLY LIKED THAT TIME WHEN HE BURSTS INTO THE 5 KAGE SUMMIT AND HE’S LIKE “HALLLLOOO!!!!!!” WITH THE ARMS AND EVERYTHING DAW OMG

and also unlike so many others he actually likes everyone and when he saves deidara he’s like “you’re a fun guy to be around” and then and then later when he’s talking to tobi he reveals that he’s sad that so many of the akatsuki members died like D::

let’s not forget when black zetsu called him weak (they had split in two at the time) and white zetsu just kind of D: and wilts a little like ooHH NO oo baby it’s okay it’s okay

ahem

konan is so strong… holy crap… like… her ultimate attack? with the bajillion paper explosive tags disguised as a lake?? that go off for 10 minutes? holy fuck.

yahiko’s pretty damn hot if you ask me (yes i know he’s a cadaver in the main time period but listen)

idk my favorite arc of the entire thing was pain’s invasion of konoha… like from the moment jiraiya’s message arrived to when everyone got revived…. and then kakashi almost became hokage…

it was fantastic

i think it’s mainly because it was a mystery, race against time, battle thing all in one and it was so neat i guess

also you could see everyone in the village working together, fighting their hardest, showing their potentials for like, the first time ever

um um um okay sasori mentally scarred me as a child, and now whenever i hear the rattling puppet noises i immediately think of these scary nightmares i had after watching his fight with sakura… yeah, puppets scare me a lot now

orochimaru is a creep ‘nuff said moving on

tobi! i love this alternate ego of obito/”madara” like idk he’s so jumpy and honestly it’s fucking hilarious watching him because he’s so secretly op certain people underestimate him at first (and then others overestimate him because of his association with akatsuki)

like. when he was warding off konoha from itachi vs sasuke’s fight (which i am still emo about) he was just like playing whack-a-mole with them and then he’s like lemme use this ability! frill-necked lizard!

and they all kinda stand and stare at him intensely execting something legit

but in reality that’s it. the extent of htat ability is just him hanging upside down with the cloack falling behind him to look like a frill-necked lizard

and it’s fucking hilarious

i also thought it was fucking adorable when he and deidara first confront sasuke

and the little bitch goes ahead and slices through him

literally through him

and HE MAKES THE MOST ADORABLE NOISE BEFORE FALLING FLAT ON HIS FACE GAH

but sasuke thinks that he actually killed him and sasuke’s all like “one down”

and deidara just kinda

ugh this kid

and tobi gets up and brushes himself off like wow that was rly fast!!! and sasuke just >:/

URM OKAY ENOUGH ABOUT THE AKATSUKI MEMBERS

sorry i thought i should make this clear but i lowkey highkey have this vendetta thing against sasuke like this little shit

i mean ofc i know the reason for his disillusionment really isn’t all his fault like @ itachi really?

like really when he goes back to konoha and sasuke tries to kill him… he goes and easily breaks his wrist

and he kinda just considers him for a moment like

…hm

how about i….. make his situation even worse…?

and then traps him in a genjutsu that forces him to relive their parents death for 24 hours like why the fuck this is literally all your fault

and also on a side note, fuck danzo. why the fuck did the 3rd not kill him when he was supposed to. why. all the wrong people lived for far too long.

anyways

but yeah no idk i just really don’t like sasuke after he defected and became a Vengeful Teen

AND ITACHI’S STORY MAKES ME CRY EVERY TIME HOLY SHIT IT MAKES ME SO SAD WHY DID THIS BOY HAVE TO SUFFER SO MUCH and then mess up his little brother’s psyche to the point in which he starts killing like everyone wtf

AHEM

another favorite moment arc of mine is the very beginning

like the first 15ish episodes

IRUKA SENSEI

he’s such a blessing. he’s literally one of those crucially important side characters and i appreciate him and i love him and it would’ve been nice to see more of him, but hey, that’s okay too.

(his part in the naruto road to ninja movie had me in tears. like at the end. fucking tears.)

like naruto and kakashi may be super close and stuff, but when he needs someone as a guardian, naruto turns to iruka and idk i feel that says a lot about their relationship and it makes me cry all the fucking time

um anyways yes i also love zabuza

he’s so strong and empowered

AND THAT WHOLE ARC MADE ME CRY A LOT TOO AND THE FACT THAT IT BECOMES SUCH AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE STORY MAKES ME SO FUCKING HAPPY

i have a lot more the say probably but it’s getting late and i need to take a shower and sleep and get up early in the morning to make food so i’ll just leave it at that

(i wrote a lot i know i’m sorry)

(hope i didn’t blow you away with any spoilers D:)

[asongoficeandfire]

Lotta GOT commentary i did under cut as I was watching. I think spoilers goes without saying lol - and then I have thoughts/opinions at the end... potentially unpopular, I can’t say I know since I don’t hang around in any particular circle tbh

yoo the wall is destroyed in the new opening 

and we go into the winterfell crypts. Okay the new opening in general is hella different from last ones wack

You know i think I still stand by the iron throne getting WRECKED towards the end of the series. I'm probably completely wrong though

Arya seeing Jon, Sandor and Gendry I started crying awwww omg

Everytime I see Dany all I can think is wow can’t wait for her too die FJLFJDSKLDJF like, look, I love Dany but also not 

SANSA MY GIRL MY LOVE IM FLSKJFDLKSJFDS

You know what?? Bran being creepy is a fave thing, i like it, he’s just laying out whats going on, thanks bud.

Lady Mormont LAYING IT OUT (about Jon was king and he came back as ?? what??) YAAAASSS 

Oh Tyrion’s going to talk to Sansa, you know I completely forgot for like 2 seconds that they were married I’m interested to see where this goes.

ARYA AND JON HUG YAASSS

“She’s the smartest person I’ve ever met” I’m so glad Arya said that about Sansa??? I’m so on Sansa’s side with everything, she IS clever and people underestimate her. Like, Tyrion just said people had underestimated her AND NOW THEY’RE DEAD-- calling it now, everyone who underestimates Sansa is going to die

omg it Theon there to save his sister fjdlksfjsldkjf aaand she’s sending him to Winterfell fjdafsklsdjflksj

I hate the jon & dany ship, i hate the... ‘romance’... urgh bye miss me with that

“The dragons are barely eating” ARE THEY DEPRESSED BECAUSE THEY LOST THEIR SIBLING??? I WOULD BE

JON RIDING RHAEGAL EEEYYYOOOO MY TARG PRINCE I CANT WAIT FOR HIM TO DIE

I wish they knew they were related bECAUSE MY TARGARYENS YAAASSSS

Do the dragons not like them making out, cos i dont either and I’M DYING AT DROGONS RESPONSE IT’S SO INCREDIBLE YAS

ARYA AND SANDOR AND GENDRY I’MMMM AAAHHHH

Sansa is SO DONE and I am SO WITH HER

I mean, Jon is also right, regarding the fact they need allies, but Sansa is also right with the whole political aspect of it. Unfortunately, as much as we wish they wouldn’t put so much weight on it, in the GOT-verse, the politics is important, titles are important, crowns are important. As can be seen, by, ya know, the North being pissed off with what Jon did by giving up his crown 

“She’s not her father.” “No, she’s much prettier” is that implying that Dany is personality-wise like the Mad King, the only thing that makes them different is she doesn’t look like him fldskjflskdjflskdjflksj (one very wrong interpretation but alSO IM THERE)

“Did you bend the knee to save the North or because you love her” god I hate heterosexual romances built on nothing urgh and he didn’t answer UUURRRGHHH

Yooo it’s Jorah!! 

Oh shit Sam finding out about his family oh dear oh no oh god somebody help him oh no D: WHAT’S SAM GONNA DO 

oh damn Bran “it’s time to tell Jon the truth” FDAFHSFSDFH BRAN AND SAM YOU GOTTA... uuuh Bran’s “I’m not his brother” UUUHHHH BRAN FALDKJFLKSDJ (I can’t believe this took me a minute to figure out but yeah I guess Bran is his cousin, and also maybe thinking of the Night’s Watch being brothers - even though Jon died then left - sure. But also, Jon was in a way adopted by Ned Stark so they kinda are siblings cos they grew up that way but okay sure sure, whatever you say Bran)

JON IN THE CRYPTS

aw that Jon and Sam hug fjdaldksfjlskdjfsd am i suddenly shipping it idek

oh snap Jon finding out about the Tarly’s executions 

AAHHH SAM’s “You always been [a king]” fjdalksfjdsklajfj MY TARG PRINCE

“You gave up your crown to save your people, would she do the same?” YOOO SAM LAYING OUT TRUTH FDLASJFKDLKAJFDLKJS

Jon, my child, I am so sorry but also YAASS FINALLY FDJLAKFJSDKLAJF

I saw the kid opening his eyes behind Tormund and I was like OH FUCKITY FDAFDSFS

JAIME JAIME JAIME JAIME JAIME JAIME FJDLAFJSLDKJF 

OH HE SEES BRAN  OH WTF YOU END IT THERE LIKE THAT FDJSLFKSDJFLKJSDFKLJ

Okay, so the immediate response to this episode for me is I LOVE seeing everyone getting back together again and seeing talks/interactions between characters who haven’t interacted for a while. I can’t wait for next episode with that stuff to continue

Also SO GLAD Sam went and told Jon about his parents, and I want to see what he’s going to do with that. I don’t think he’s going to say anything yet, but I do think he’ll keep his distance from Dany??? Though I could be wrong >_> Jon definitely doesn’t WANT to be king, and I’m not sure who would believe them if he says he’s the son of Lyanna and Rhaegar-- I mean, the North probs will at this point but who else would?? I guess it’d kinda be like another Dance of Dragons, with Dany on one side, Jon on the other BUT this time with the White Walkers since they DO have the third dragon and are an immediate threat. But also I don’t imagine that happening??? I’m not sure how to explain it, but it’s like the dragons are fire and the white walkers are ice and we need a balance so - even though I don’t like it - I feel all the dragons have to die too TT_TT

Obviously I have 0 idea how this is gonna go down. I know what I WANT to happen, but it absolutely won’t be what happens so I’m trying to think about what might happen without using my feelings as the basis jsslkdjalskjd. But yeah, politics is important to game of thrones, so if Jon actually tells about his parentage that’s gonna bring a whole new aspect to the war. 

And obviously there’s still Cersei, and I LOVE Cersei’s character and I want her to die so badly too, I can’t imagine her making it to the very end but also Jamie’s the one who’s very likely going to kill her going by the prophecy, but they’re obviously nowhere near each other right now so I guess it’s not gonna happen anytime soon, or as soon as I thought it would. I can’t wait to see what happens next episode with Jamie though, like it seems like it could be bad but also he can’t die yet??? RIGHT???? and I need to see the Jamie and Brienne interactions!! AAHH!!

[outletforit]

im a journalism major and my writing is comparable to a three year olds

So my housemate is a graphic design major. Within her major she takes vigorous courses of art and mindfucking that essentially propels her mind into another dimension most of the time. This dimension is piled with emotions, being in tune with those emotions, and trying to figure out everybody else’s emotions while your at it. She is completing a thesis project that in short represents her whole entire grasp of the last 3 years of schooling and being on this mindfucking, emotional dimension of trippy forms of art and some weird ass people.

Being that she lives in a house of 7 girls including my delightful self, she uses us as her guide to emotional answers. We were interviewed a while back on questions regarding her thesis that included the main questions of relationships, sex, and your emotions in regards to relationships and sex. Of course being myself my answers were really basic and foot forward because god forbid I let someone into the shit show that is my mind. I don’t think people could even begin to understand the fuckery that occurs up here. 

Anyway, she has come back to me tonight with some follow up questions about my thoughts concerning who I believe I am, 3 words that “describe” myself, why I am the way I fucking am, so on and so forth until my skin is gone and my heart is basically on the table of our disgusting dinner table. If you could actually even call it a dinner table. I don’t think anyone even eats there. It’s covered in random accessories, paraphernalia, and weed crumbles.

With these in depth and ridiculous questions about one self, she asked to write up a short paragraph of who we believe we are. Raw and open. Now, as much as I am ‘open’ (a very slight definition of the word open), I am just closed off and stuck in my ways of myself. Emotions? Let you in? You want me to talk to you about how I feel? I’m good I will sit in my small corner and cry by myself until I distract myself with Always Sunny and food. It’s been working well for me I think. Before I go and write up a bullshit paragraph and her thesis in search to understand why people are the way they are, I will write my real one here. Because I don’t think I have ever been 100% real with anyone I have come in contact too. Because that is scary, and honestly, no one deserves myself probably not even me. I’m a bad ass bitch. Not really but i think i am. I’m great. Alright here she blows. 

me?

Who the fucking fuck am I. I am everything the world has developed me to be. I have a beautiful mother and father. They have shaped me into an okay person, with okay tendencies, and an okay personality. If I have to look at myself from an outside perspective, I am that small, bubbled girl with a big ass mouth, strong opinions about almost everything but doesn’t let them be known, sarcastic comment for everything, unattached, chill, rapping ratchet ass, asshole of a girl who should honestly just be a dude cause my life would have been easier. To others I am perceived as funny, chill, sweet, cute, good friend, logical. in my head, I am irrational, too emotional, to outspoken, to sarcastic, too ratchet, too chill, too fucking small (my god I couldn’t get like 2 more fucking inches), too sweet to people who I don’t need to be, and too attached to a persona that I have created for myself. Of course after years of pretending to be someone, you will ultimately come to terms and in the end, become that someone. But, If it was just me on this earth, me and myself roaming this earth, who the fuck would i actually be? You see, my personality has been shaped and shifted by my environment and who and what has come and gone from my life the last 21 years. I was too scared to be myself because little kids were mean and my parents didn’t like that. I was too scared to listen to music I liked because people judged me. I didn’t wear what I wanted to wear, eat what I wanted to eat, do what the FUCK I wanted to do, because somehow somewhere, someone would disapprove. So of course in modern fashion, I disapproved as well. Through the years of me not speaking because I was afraid the kid behind me would make fun of me, to speaking too much about the kid in front of me because now I thought my opinion mattered for some reason (it absolutely did not), I guess I have evolved into someone who is really really lost. I am deadass just lost. 

I know who I am. I know what I am going to do when I wake up in the morning and how i am going to speak to this person and how I am supposed to react and feel towards one situation to the next, but honestly I am nothing but a lost soul that has realized that this world has way to much to offer and I am only grabbing about 5% by the balls. If it was up to me, right now, I would be free. I would dye my hair purple, chug some travelers club, tell everyone to fuck themselves and go move to Philadelphia (go birds am I right). Okay so maybe I wouldn’t do exactly that. There are some parts of myself that I do love. I love that when I’m not being a stupid fuck I am pretty rational about emotions regarding others and how I feel. I like that I am a good friend (mostly) and a good daughter (mostly). I love that I love music. Music is truly one of the sole purposes of my life and I do not spend a day where I don’t throw on my ridiculous rap music and jam so hard my head hurts. I don’t know how i got like this but I fucking love it. I like that I am a chill human being and can take a joke but can also dish them out. I like that after school I believe that I will not stop at a 9-5. I like that I am level headed and can see past all the stupid shit that clouds peoples minds. I like that I can chug a handle of TC like a fucking boss. I’m honestly a real fucking one. Of course I don’t like that I overthink what people presume of me. I don’t like that boys ultimately make me nervous (self-inflicted, I was a fucked up teenager with too much time on her hands to cry about herself). I don’t like that i hesitate in sexual encounters cause I’m just plain fucking nervous to let people really see me. I don’t like that I hide my emotions and I know it’s going to smack me in the face. I don’t like that I never did what I fucking wanted to do because I was to scared of others opinions and I let them rule my life. I’m trying to accept the things I don’t like about me. Because I think that will lead me to a happier path that I’m gonna have to ride out anyway. I think ultimately, I am learning about myself as the days go by, and I am understand the mistakes I made in my younger years. There will be a day where I really don’t care, and I will confident in myself, beer tummy and emotions and all. ‘Till then, I will give a people a show and give them what they think they deserve of me. Even though they actually do not. No one deserves to understand me because BITCH I don’t even understand myself. Not quite yet. 

2/6/18- oh shit, maybe this damn thesis has made me think about my deepest and darkest emotions. Well freak. I suck! Until next time.

[strawberry-siren]

every FREAKING day i make a day about how i’m freaking out, but i’m going to live or whatever. like i chose not to kill myself. but there really is no point. like there’s not. even if i go to a mental hospital, they really suck and they abuse patients, act like patients are infantile, like they’re not human. I don’t even have insurance, so the sheer price of that would mess up any chance i would ever have of making money or even just like…living–even if i wanted to. i dont even think treatment would be helpful. i dont think drugs would really help either.

i’ve tried weed before, and that’s the drug that everyone is always like “omg man weed totally takes away my anxiety.” no. weed literally did nothing to my sad and anxious thoughts. all it did was make me act completely spacey and waste time. i’ve heard from my friends that anti-depressants just make them feel empty. like just honestly whats the point of living and feeling empty? i did that for like a year to cope. i would just repress any emotion. i guess i lived another year. but it’s also like whats even the point. you’re not happy. you’re not anything. what’s the point of living like a zombie? like talk therapy wouldnt help because i’m not going to change….. i’ve had so many different therapists and it just really doesn’t do much… 

i should just go to church and follow their stupid rules because my family does and at least they would stop being mad at me and they could feel like they’re saving me even if church has no purpose. church honestly just makes me feel a million times worse and it is boring and kind of a waste of time for me. but, then they could be those people who talk about their reformed lesbian sister and how she found god and got her life together and is happy ! :-) i love sex and my sexuality, but it’s true that i’ve never even been in a real relationship. it’s not like relationships can save you… 

here’s another thing: ultimately everything is a two way road. people are not obligated to put up with me. i am draining. i am exhausting. i am boring. therefore i attempt to impose myself on people the least amount i can. but also i have poor impulse control, so i attempt to make friends despite this innate desire to minimize myself. it sucks though because relationships will never be permanent. there will never be a relationship that spans your lifetime. friends will leave. it’s just a fact of life. 

society itself doesn’t lend itself well to me. i grew up in an abrasive (and abusive) environment. i didn’t learn how to keep things to myself–or rather i recognized that you are supposed to keep all to yourself, and i fail at it. i burden people with my feelings far too often. like in some classes i might seem like the student who doesnt care, or in others, i am the student that makes too many comments or tries to talk about things they dont really grasp. I’m really just trying my best. but i know im stupid. im saying too many things. im saying wrong things. since i’m failing two of my classes, i just stopped going to them. so i go to art history, i feel stupid, i go home and cry. then on tuesdays and thursdays i go to theater and i try my best, but i feel untalented. i go home and i cry. 

because i’m just full of self-pity. no one wants a victim. i act haughty, i am narcissistic. but i am full of the exact opposite as well. i am one who is constantly at war with myself. i realize this is not a rare phenomenon though. 

like how can you want to live in a society where you’re wrong. In conservative circles, I’m wrong because of my desire and action upon my lesbianism. In liberal circles, I’m wrong because lesbian is a label that’s restrictive. Why aren’t you just Q****? let us call you q****. Don’t doubt that you can one day be attracted to men!

Artists are nothing. A dime a dozen. My art is meaningless. It’s all been done. Everyone wants something revolutionary.

 everything is dominated by men. my eyes are so open. from the smallest way we do things. how women give birth. names babies have. EVERYTHING was made by men. my chair. modern architecture. why i wear makeup. what my makeup is made out of. it’s all men. and i really do love individual men. i feel like a lot of men don’t realize things. but like it cant be ignored. it is a fact of life. until we completely remake our society, it exists to be hostile to me. and why should society conform to me…one person. 

im a sex object. im sexually repulsive. im fat. ugly. im beautiful. im cute. im the center of the universe. i’m purity– was virginity. im “dirty” now. a crumpled dollar bill. i am sex. im lust. im whatever label i prescribe to. im whatever label others project onto me. im all– i’m nothing. 

everything is utterly, utterly meaningless. words are words, meanings are meanings. “how nihilistic. how pessimistic” one may say. i suppose it’s true. nihilism can give a meaning to life. an inspiration to just let the forces of the world happen to you until you die. but it’s also i’m constantly feeling the weight of the world on me. the world that ultimately ignores me. 

“this is why you need god.”a god is a comforting notion to those faced with the uncertainty of death. i feel a god would not be so cruel. this notion of cruelty. why should a god care about humans. it’s the same hierarchical structure men have put me in– no thank you. not that i completely blame men. women could have done things. but men and women alike are selfish. why should straight women truly care about lesbians–they dont. no one truly cares. they do what makes them seem progressive. they perform. the worlds a stage and all that. we entertain ourselves, but for those who cannot find entertainment or arent forced to just spend their time working– those who must be confronted with their very existence, thoughts, ideas, ect. well no one cares. it’s all ultimately self-serving. 

everything you think. everything you do. it’s all for yourself. you may say “oh i do service for others!” well in the context of a church think about this. you do it because it will grant you favor with your god. it will give you the satisfaction that you are in a position above someone that you’re taking your time to “serve” them. Are you really doing this out of selflessness? 

There are

“Dont help panhandlers signs in utah. People ive talked to about this have been like “well there’s so much welfare available, there’s really no need to give them money because they’re just going to spend it on drugs.” as if drugs aren’t a cycle. as if being poor–being homeless is your own failure. not the failure of a society that lets people die. that lets people believe all the money you have– you’ve earned. I got money from my dad’s IRA when he died. Did I earn this? Because he worked until he died at 59, two and a half years ago. If it was my wage for how he raised me, the emotional labor I gave him, it was not enough money. If it’s just money because he worked his entire life, I didn’t earn that. Parents no longer even really hold up the “nuclear family” myth. I dont deserve this money. I deserve nothing. No one owes me anything. It would just be better to die than to continue taking up space and time of others. I am utterly unhelpful to society in general, personally, and as a whole. I will not contribute children. I will not bring joy to others. My art will achieve nothing. 

I am a commodity, an object. A Worker. Within my church, I was supposed to find a man to love and serve. To bear his children. To preach of God. In this regard, I am also useless. There is truly no point of my existence, and the world would truly be better without me.