#god fucking damn it kris where the fuck are we?

[nightxowl17]

[subscribetopewdiepie24]

Hi

[grubgirl413]

[anxiety-cat-creator]

TW: PINK BLOOD IN THE BACKGROUND!!

(I know this isn't the case buuuuut: imagine the enchanted Flint and Steel could teleport you to whatever dimension you wanted without needing a portal because it is based on the words that you say that determine where you go before you light it up, (basically, you get engulfed in flames before you teleport, it doesn't hurt tho nor does it kill you) but it also makes it easier to go to a completely different dimension that you didn't want to go in the first place if your not “specific” enough)

[the-witchs-cafe]

[seepylilthing]

I cried at work today and doodled on the board

[eyeballsoup7310]

Susie needs to stop giving Kris the GPS

[projectstarfallcrusaders]

Ow... Wha...

Erika: What in sam hill...? Wh-

Erika: GOD FUCKIN' DAMN IT, WHERE THE HELL AM I?!

[eggburtisme]

Guess what deltarune charecter I've never drawn before (impossible edition)

[queerofcups]

a July rec list

I read a truly absurd amount of fanfic in July, and since I’m tracking my fic reading anyway these days, I figured, why not pull up some faves. I’ll do my best to tag authors when and where I can! I’ll throw some commentary in there to talk about why I like some of them, but rest assure this is a rec list and I think every one of them has something to love. 

Hockey RPF

In the scrawl of the ringside choir E, 37k, Hockey RPF | @goodnightpuckbunny Sid/Geno

“Geno, this is Sid Crosby,” Kris says, sitting back down. The kid towers over both of them, but seems small in the office. “You need a coach, so he’s gonna help you out.” He looks Sid over, eyes scanning like he’s looking for weaknesses, faults in his form. Sid has plenty, but he’s not fighting anymore. He doesn’t bother mirroring the gesture. He can guess without looking. “He old,” Geno eventually decrees. 

Interview with the Vampire

The Vampire Eric

E | 4k | falsescience (@theburialofstrawberries) Eric Bogosian/Jam Reiderson, Jam Reiderson

Oh ho, Eric thinks to himself, and then, aloud, because it’s just too delicious, and wouldn’t Rolin be ashamed, and a little pissed: “Oh ho!” He feels zapped alive: young, powerful, god-like. Jacob starts giggling immediately. “Did you just say ‘oh ho’?” “Or maybe aspen. What do you think, Eric?” “Not a damn clue,” says Eric, with a broad grin. “You look very satisfied. He looks very satisfied, doesn’t he?” Jacob smiles at Sam over his hitched shoulder. “Hm,” says Sam. “I think we play it safe, and go with red maple.” Yeah, Eric is certain: Jacob and Sam aren’t fucking. But they’d like to be.

First of all, I am RPF’ing these people real hard in some private chats. But largely, I like the characterization happening here, and the little turn of understanding that happens in the last third of the fic. 

reformation

E | 44k | verseau (@downstairsbar) Lestat/Louis

we're gonna heal. we're gonna start again. you've brought the orchestra, synchronized swimmers. // It makes him speechless sometimes, how much he loves Lestat. He thought for years, a decade, that it was sickness. It’s not. It’s not. Even when Louis hated Lestat, nothing was more certain than that he loved him.

There’s some great, great plotting and characterization here but/also I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve read a fic and known immediately that the author is Black. That’s obviously not a requirement of the fic I write but it's nice to have Southern Black characters really sound like people I’ve known/grown up around etc. 

let’s keep this off the record

E | 1.4k | anonymous

Louis/Santiago (sort of)

There would be no second chances for the Englishman, no opportunity for him to crawl out of some dump and seek revenge. Louis would make sure of that.

Honestly, I think it's great that fandom has a long and storied history of skullfucking. I think it's fun that weird shit like that still happens around here.

Maman

T | 2k | anonymous Claudia/Madeline, Louis/Lestat

Madeleine meets in the in-laws. Particularly one of them.

transpires

M-E | 5.8k total | familiar (@bigvampo or @camilliar? sekrit you've got so many blogs) Louis/Lestat

I mean, sekrit is just a fucking stellar writer. sekrit’s got a way of telling so much —  about a character, their mental state, the world their in —  in just a few razor sharp details. also these fics are so funny and the characterizations of Louis and Lestat feel like natural progressions from what we’ve seen in canon both in how much they love each other and how terrible they are (to each other and in general)

Harry Potter

Right. I think I’ve always been pretty upfront about my continued reading of Harry Potter fanfiction, but in case it's somehow necessary to say, please do not come to my inbox talking about JK Rowling. I don’t think about that woman and I’m very clear about what she thinks about me. 

Those Three Curses

E | 6k total | @dodgerkedavra Draco/Harry

Obviously I had a bit of a fucking dodgerkedavra moment here, but these blew me away. So much story telling in such little space. 

Former Things Come to Mind

E | 64k | dodgerkedavra

Harry Potter has had a headache for seven and a half years.

In the Presence of My Enemy E | 41k | dodgerkedavra Draco/Harry

All Harry knows is that Sectumsempra is for enemies. He doesn’t know that it will bind him to Draco Malfoy, for better or worse, ‘til death do them part.

Tiny Home

E | 30k | @wolfpants Draco/Harry/Ron

Harry and Ron left the Aurors years ago to travel the world and make up for lost time. When they finally decide to settle roots back in England, together, building a tiny home in the Lake District by hand seems like the perfect plan. What they don't realise is that Draco Malfoy already lives on the plot of land that they choose to build on. A story about years of feelings, about weaving lives in and around each other, and about finding a place safe enough to call home.

I really feel like there’s been an explosion of excellent Draco/Harry/Ron all of a sudden. One of my qualms with a lot of polyship fics is that it's very uhhh “we must do everything together” and I really love that this fic breaks that down and allows everyone to have histories and experiences together as dyads and all together. 

In Our Blood

E | 37k | secretsalex Draco/Harry

Draco is an accomplished pure-blood curse breaker, and Harry is tasked with accompanying him on his latest job—cleaning up the Van Boer mansion, which has been under a devastating fertility curse for seven generations.

I’m not even going to bullshit y’all. This fic reminded me why I love mpreg. Excellent use of body horror, body dread, suspense, all these things. Also, an mpreg fic that remembers abortion is a thing. Amazing!

Probationary Action

E | 63k | @toomuchplor Draco/Harry

As part of the terms of the probationary contract, DRACO LUCIUS MALFOY shall submit for inspection his WAND on the last day of every month, such inspection to be carried out by a duly registered and fully qualified AUROR in the employ of the MINISTRY OF MAGIC, and such inspection to include a PRIORI INCANTATEM spell to ensure that no PROHIBITED MAGICS as heretofore described have been practised by the aforementioned probationer.

I’ve been obsessed with toomuchplor since Inception and this fic reminded me why. I don’t love Auror!Harry fic (truly, just so much unchecked, delighted writing about police brutality) but I do like any fic where Harry starts to wake up to the fact that maybe just because they’re “the good guys”, not every choice made by the Aurors/Wizarding Gov’t in general is right. Also, I appreciate the expansion on the idea of sex charms!

Embers

E | 41k | @shiftylinguini Draco/Harry

Werewolf Alphas aren't meant to be alone, or to suppress their ruts indefinitely like Draco has been since he was bitten eight years ago. He needs company, companionship, to knot ― he needs an Omega Heat Companion. At least, that’s what the Healers say, and even Draco can admit contacting the person they’ve referred him to might be nice. Of course it turns out to be bloody Potter.

idk man, I like a fic that treats sex work like it's just a job. Worthy of respect, full of technical expertise, etc. 

--

Both of these next fics came from @hd-wireless which has been, pound for pound, one of the best fests I've ever witness and is a testament to how important having multiple fic fests in a fandom can be! so much good shit to read!

The most he’s ever said

E | 16k | anonymous Draco/Harry

It takes them twenty years.

Two Houses

E | 11k | anonymous Draco/Harry

Two households, both alike in... meddling Floo connections, apparently? Draco Malfoy is a highly professional and well-respected Ministry official, with a demanding schedule, a loving son, and—through no fault of his own—a faulty Floo connection that keeps regurgitating the Minister for Magic through his fireplace.

I really enjoy that there's been more of a trend of writing about these two as older people and fleshing out the characterization of their kids.

[plural-culture-is]

plural + vocal stim culture is getting a stim of “God fucking damn it Kris where the hell are we” and then Kris suddenly materializing in my brain

.

[pluralquotebook]

(Susie just formed about an hour ago)

Kris: "Come on Susie, say the line, say the line!"

Susie: *heavy sigh*

Susie: "God FUCKING damn it Kris, where the FUCK are we?!"

Kris & Chara: *clapping/cheering*

- @the-hadal-zone-sys

.

[watson-but-gay]

”God FUCKING damn it Kris! Where the fuck are we”

[thosesillylittlegayghosts]

FINALE THOUGHTS

DO NOT START IT WITH THEM CRYING HOW AM I MEANT TO DEAL

well there goes my one last night theory

Just because it’s over doesn’t mean its really over and if I think it over maybe-

Actually just kill me off it would hurt less HIS VOICE

NOT THE FISH FUCK OFF

they’re bestie goals i adore them also im sorry but the song being called perfect movie scene and them two looking like they’re in a rom com (from far away) will actually be the death of me

Fuck she’s wearing purple again and he’s wearing beige

SIMON PLS I WANT TO WRAP YOU IN A BLANKET YOU DESERVE SOME COMFORT

damn okay Sara admitting Simon’s right??? NO don’t call yourself stupid you’re finally getting the recognition you deserve

Them having their lesson outside is so real it’s my favourite thing about summer

AHHHH I WAS SO RIGHT THEYRE CLOSING HILLERSKA

SEVERAL WARNINGS

Vincent fuck off fuck off fuck off. Nils please defend him

NO THEYRE GONNA BLAME FELICE AND WILHELM

NOT NILS AND WILHELM YELLING AT EACH OTHER YOU GET ALONG

not August crying

Omg omg he just pulled a Queen Kristina he did what she did is this foreshadowing cause now he’s having a mental breakdown???

Stella and Fredricka get together whilst comforting each other??

Nah I actually love the third years having a group hug that’s amazing

And Henry and Walter talking to their parents (?) but still being together it’s so cute to see all their little favourites

Oh it’s so gonna end at the end of term, hillerskas closing and Simon’s moving away so they’re having like one last day together all of them

Wilhelm you’re killing me here

Has his room changed? I swear he used to have one window

NOT KRIS

NEON PARTY NEON PARTY

Not Vincent and nils calling him out

VINCENT YOURE ACTUALLY TALKING SOME SENSE FOR ONCE

okay so Augusts gonna back out and then Wille can threaten to do whatever he wants

AHHH TALK TO HIM THROUGH THE BOOKCASE WILLE GO ON

noooo they’re both returning crisis

HES WEARING PURPLE

HENRY FUCK OFF

NOOOO HE WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING

okay maybe my one night theory wasn’t entirely off…

Not the housemaster doing shots with them??? No wonder the schools getting shut down

Yes Wilhelm Felice besties era again!!!

LOVE OF MY LIFE AHH

no he thinks he’s gonna kill his mum

HOW DID SHE HIDE A WHOLE BOTTLE OF WINE??

PARTY PRINCE RETURN OF THR PARTY PRINCE TITLE

not her hiding the wine Felice I love you

I love all these people so much man

Alexa play closure by Henry Moodie

HE DID THE THING THE THING WITH THE GRASS

REVOLUTION?!?!!

ERIK WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU NO MATTER WHAT

theyre near tears so im near tears

PLEASE SARA YOURE MEANT TO BE IN LOVE WITH HIM WHAT DO YOU MEAN STRONGER FEELINGS

they’re bestie goals and couple goals and I’ve never really shipped them but honestly I could be convinced-this all happening where they first became friends is just too much

Stella I had hopes for you man

NILS YOU HAVE….??? I seriously thought he was gonna say I have feelings for you

AH HE CAME OUT AND THEYRE ACTUALLY SUPPORTIVE AND ACTUALLY ACTING LIKE FRIENDS I LOVE IT

God he’s so in love HA REJECTED AT LEAST HE APOLOGISED

military service he’s doing military service now?

I CALLED THIS WEEKS AGO THAT THEYD GET BACK TOGETHER THEN SHED REJECT HIM BUT THE LAST EPISODE TRICKED ME

I LOVE YOU ITLL PASS FUCK OFF WHY ARE YOU BRINGING UP THAT TRAUMA RN?!

ONE LAST NIGHT TOGETHER I WAS SO RIGHT

OMG THE LAKE SCENE NOT THE LAKE SCENE

NOT IT TAKES A FOOL TO REMAIN SCENE THE CYCLICAL STRUCTURE IS HURTING ME

NO THIS HURTS SO MUCH MORE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD

HOW CAN IT JUST BE OVER NAH THIS IS MY CAUSE OF DEATH

STEDRIKA GOT TOGETHER AND FELICE IS JUST SMILING I LOVE HER

Them showing Henry and Walter right after Stella and Fredricka get together means they’re also canon actually

REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID EVERYONE WAS FAKE??? REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID YOU COULD BE FREE I HOPE YOU GET THERE. It’s not looking good for the endgame guys

WE WERE A REVOLUTION?! IT SHOULDNT BE A REVOLUTION TO LOVE EACH OTHER???

He’s gonna do something OMG OMG WHAT DOES THAT MEAN HE THREW IT AWAY DOES HE MEAN HES DONE WITH THE CROWN?! WILL I HAVE TO EAT MY WORDS AND WATCH HIM ABDICATE?!

Queen redemption arc???

Say no say no say-damn at least maybe now he’ll get support??

What is it with frogs and this royal family??

Goodbye Simon MY HEART MAN COME ON

I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE SUMMER YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT I CANNOT EVEN IM ACTUALLY NEVER GONNA RECOVER FROM THIS

Girls trip!!!

AHHH HES SO GONNA ABDICATE

but August might…

AHHHH WILHELM I LOVE YOU IVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER TO BE WRONG

NAH ITS A ROMCOM HE PULLED A LOVE ACTUALLY IM NEVER RECOVERING FROM THIS

AHHHHH

FOR HIS OWN SAKE IM SO PROUD

NOT THE FLASHBACKS IM GONNA CRY

THE FINAL LOOK I CALLED IT

[aerodaltonimperial]

Secretly Friends AU?

"Nobody will find you here."

"I've been suspended, I'm not a fugitive."

(I am having some EMOTIONS tonight fam. You didn't specify a friend... so....)

When he opens the back door, the one that's wedged into the very corner of the basement, barely used and probably equipped with at least three deadbolts, Orange looks tired. He always looks tired, nowadays, but it's more pronounced now, lines around his eyes and a smile that never quite reaches all the way.

He offers Jack a quick nod, a jerk of his head; Orange doesn't do much with that kind of speed, so Jack takes it without question. He trusts Orange. It's an odd thing, trusting someone he hasn't met, but there it is. A surprise, maybe. Jack's been surprised by a lot recently.

"C'mon," Orange says, and Jack follows obediently at his heels, checking over his shoulder a few times to ensure that the deserted hallway stays deserted.

It does.

Eventually, they come to one of the locker rooms. Jack wonders if Orange requested one this close to the unused hallways, or if he just got lucky. It might be a little bit of both. Orange opens the door and ushers Jack inside, where the lights are low. A few bags lay open on the benches, and Jack doesn't look at them. He can't fall apart yet. Being backstage again is... it's a lot, honestly. It's an overwhelm and the bitter tang of nostalgia all rolled together, a heady sort of want. He's desperate to get back to this: to the smell of the leather, the feel of the ropes against his palms, the swell of the crowd.

"No one will find you here."

Jack snorts a little. "I've been suspended. I'm not a fugitive." But then he falls quiet. The locker room is empty, save for them. He doesn't want to ask, but can't quite stop himself. "Getting ready?"

Orange nods. Jack swallows down the rest—it won't do any good. He's close, now. He's so close, and all he has to do is wait. But waiting has never been his strong suit.

"Be careful out there," he says, and Orange gives him a lazy salute before leaving. Jack is alone now. There aren't televisions back here, so he can't see, but he flips his phone screen on and opens Twitter. At least he can mostly gauge what's happening based on what's showing up in the hashtag, even though the video clips are much slower to load. He waits. He breathes. It's been 25 days.

Finally, voices sound from outside the door. The hallway does an excellent job of amplifying them beneath the metal beams. Jack's heart leaps to his throat. He stops breathing.

"—awesome. That last move was solid."

Jack's lungs constrict.

"Was it?" That's Kris. They won; Jack knows that from his feed. She's out of breath, though, just a little, so it was a physical match. "Honestly, we should do it again."

"Hey." Orange. They're right outside the door now—Jack can hear someone's hand hit the metal of the knob. "I got you a present."

"Me?" There's surprise there. Jack's legs have turned to ice. He can't move. Can't twitch. And then the door opens, Orange's arm swinging out with it, and—

Hook's face, going from braced to surprised to—

He crosses the room in less time than Jack takes to get up to his feet. He's still wobbling a little bit when Hook throws his arms around Jack's shoulders, buries his face in Jack's neck. He smells like that stupid fucking body wash he still insists on using, the one that is always way too strong but oddly comforting. Jack has to blink back tears, because fuck.

"Oh my god," Hook exhales. "Oh my god."

"Hi," Jack says, weak, just like his knees have gone in relief. Hook has been a constant thread in his messages ever since Jack took the earlier flight out of London, but it's never been enough. Jack missed him so much he fucking ached with it.

Hook laughs. His grip around Jack's shoulders tightens. "Holy shit. Holy shit. You're here."

"I'm here." Jack closes his eyes, grabs ahold of Hook's shoulders, still slicked with sweat from the match.

"I miss you so god damn much," Hook says.

Fuck. Don't cry. The past few months have already been murder, playing such a horrible part, going against each other, but this—this has been the worst of all. Not even being able to sneak into each other's hotel rooms to watch shitty re-runs together while they eat their way through the vending machine. "I miss you, too," Jack whispers.

When Hook pulls away, his face has split with a beaming smile. He grabs Jack's face in both hands. At some point, Kris shut the locker room door, and Jack's fiercely grateful for her. For her and Orange. For arranging this. For knowing. They're both standing near the lockers, toweling down and grinning, looking at them every so often.

"It's not even that much longer," Hook starts.

"Fuck off," Jack replies. "It's been a god damn lifetime, and you know it."

Hook laughs. Laughs. Jack can't remember the last time he got to hear that in person. "You're not lying. Jesus. Don't ever get assaulted again, you hear me?"

It might not have been so bad if they already hadn't had to be on opposite sides, if they hadn't already spun the most tangled, heart-wrenching web. Maybe it wouldn't have been that hard to get through 30 days if they hadn't already been sneaking around just to stay friends, if their whole damn support system hadn't been flipped over to the shadow zone. Fuck, Jack misses being able to just roam the arena cities with Hook, taking stupid photos and posing like tourists and finding the weirdest possible places to explore.

Jack lost everything last year. He lost everything, and then he gained everything and more back, and the summer combined with the past month has been too much. He's been trying not to crawl out of his skin for weeks now. With Hook here, gripping Jack's face tightly enough to bruise, Jack's settled. Things are finally okay again.

Jack just wraps his hands around Hook's biceps. "You need a fucking shower, cause you stink."

"You're such an asshole." Hook is still smiling. "Man, I missed you."

"Go use your ridiculously expensive body wash," Jack says.

"We know a place way off the beaten path," Orange offers from the bench. Then he shrugs; classic Orange. "Could all go. If you wanted."

"Yeah." Jack's limbs are buzzing with happiness. He so badly wants to get out of the cage he's been tossed into. He grins at Hook, and Hook grins right back. "Yeah, let's go."

[braingoo-stew]

I just woke up from a dream where I was mainly wandering around my city and doing random shit, and at one point I found this old lady with a walker trying to cross the street. Now, she's not the focus, but she's important to the "plot". I notice that she keeps almost getting hit by cars because the intersection is HUGE we're talking like eight lanes at least and people would rather steamroll an old lady than let her pass, which I wasn't having. I told her that I'd help her across the street, seeing as I'm "a big beefy boy" (I'm tall and have relatively broad shoulders so it's true but it's funny to me that my brain chose to describe it like that) and I could act as a barrier of sorts, willing people to stop.

We start walking across the street and about halfway through I hear a noise that sounded suspiciously like a hand banging on the inside of a trunk so I look over because wtf, who's kidnapped? The person driving the car is none other than Susie Deltarune, and I come to the logical conclusion that Kris is in the trunk. I then comfort the old lady, who was worried, by saying "don't worry, this is a meme. It's not to be taken seriously."

So if that dreams-are-other-universes theory is true, that means there's a universe where Susie kidnapping Kris is a meme, something that would be on the same level as "GOD FUCKING DAMN IT KRIS, where the FUCK are we?!" meme.