#god forbid I get 2 days out of whole week to myself

[thedeliaishere]

not to mention my parents invited themselves over to japan on the busiest tourist week of the year without considering I may have plans or things I want to do myself.

[skzhocomments]

Mafia Book #2 - PART I - The Black Iris - Chapter 6 - Revenge

Story masterlist - please consult it for the summary of the story, trigger warnings etc.

General masterlist

Wattpad | AO3

Chapter 5 | Chapter 7

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PART I - THE BLACK IRIS

Chapter 6 - Revenge

chapter word count: 3.5k words

~Minho's POV~

Finding those three scums was easy.

Kidnapping them and confining them in one of our abandoned buildings was easy, too.

What was difficult, though, was to not knock the teeth out of their mouths myself. I wanted to be the one to put a bullet through their heads for hurting Iris. I respected her too much, though, and knew she had her own plans with them, even if she wouldn't vocalise them.

It's been shy of six months since we spoke about it, and I regretted moving so slowly with her revenge, but as they say, good things come to those who wait, and patience is a virtue. I needed to plan everything carefully before kidnapping them, since they were influential people and we didn't want anyone actually finding them, or even worse, us.

Anyways, the only thing that matters was that now we're there, with these bastards tied against some chairs, their hands cuffed, and their eyes and mouths covered.

I was reluctant to bring Iris here at first, would it just trigger her bad memories? Would it actually do her any good?

But still, it was not my call to make. I just did what she asked, and brought them here, and seeing the way her eyes sparkled when she poured boiling hot water on their genitals made me realise I made the right decision in suggesting she gets revenge.

She first started with hurting them. She cut them up, pushed them, punched them, then she took care of them and nursed them back to health, just so she could do it again. She kept that up for weeks, making sure to feed them and give them water once every few days; not too much, for she didn't want them to become spoiled, God forbid, but just enough to survive.

She would sometimes only watch them and listen to their conversations without them knowing she was there, her eyes blank, devoid of any sympathy.

After a few weeks, her approach became more extreme. She started doing all sorts of CIA level torture tactics on them. She would watch them obsessively and even asked Seungmin to make a device for her that would pour water droplets on their foreheads every few seconds, just so that they can never fall asleep; she would take their blindfolds off after turning on a bright lamp, which was a shock to their eyes that have been deprived of light for weeks.

I started worrying she could be more of a psychopath than I was, which would definitely be another first, but Iris never failed to surprise me. It was clear she grew up watching true crime.

"Who are you?" One of the men cried.

"Hmm," Iris started. It was the first time she was speaking to them ever since we took them. The idiots realised all three of them are together but couldn't connect the dots to figure out why they were there in the first place, not when Iris let them speak for only short periods of time.

Just how many vile things did they do in this formation, for them to not realise it was Iris?

"Just tell us what you want! If it's money... just tell us how much!" Another man shouted. The fact that she took the covers off their mouths at the same time meant she actually wanted to listen to what they were saying and talk to them.

"Did you press on record?" She chuckled.

"Record? What do you mean? Record what?! You fucking bitch, just so you know, after I get out of here-"

"She looks like such a slut like this." She interrupted the guy and sent a powerful slap his way, making his head turn. The sound of the impact resonated in the whole room, making the other two guys squirm in their chairs.

"I'd enjoy it more if she stopped crying." She continued, slapping another guy – probably the one who said it so many years ago.

"Look, I don't know what you-"

"Should we write something on her and take a picture?" She slapped the last dude just as hard. "Do you want to know who I am?" She chuckled again. "Fine."

Iris made her way behind the guys and undid their blindfolds, and I just watched the show with my arms crossed in one of the corners of the room.

"Ahh, three pairs of beautiful eyes!" She laughed and put her hands on her hips.

"It's you..." one of the men spat at Iris, but she just laughed harder.

"Missed me?"

"She's fucking crazy..."

"How dare you do this to us?! Don't you know who we are?! Once we get out-"

She went behind them and put a cloth in his mouth, tying it at the back of his head. Then, she did the same to the other two, just to make sure they're quiet.

"Minho." Iris turned to me, her mouth in a slight pout. She was so damn cute. "They think they're gonna get out of here."

I laughed. She was simply the devil reincarnated, and I remembered when my eyes first locked with hers all those months ago. Fuck, she's even more beautiful now than she was then.

"Poor them." I replied, watching her sway her hips in my direction, completely enchanted.

"But you won't." She turned to them just as she reached me in the corner of the room, and they looked at her, their eyes hopeless. I knew that expression all too well. "You won't get out of here, because I can't forgive you, and I'm bored of you. Since you all loved watching me so much, to the point of filming me, I'm gonna give you one less show. You can thank me in hell. Now, stop squirming around and watch."

Iris grabbed my collar and pulled me in for a kiss, her tongue playfully licking my lips as her fingers worked on the buttons of my shirt.

"Is this why you asked for a bed in here last week?" I chuckled.

"Mhm. You're quick." She continued kissing me, and I broke the kiss and moved down to her jaw.

"I thought you wanted to let these guys have a good night's sleep for once."

"As if." She chuckled.

"You're insane. Remind me to never get on your bad side." I whispered in her neck just as I started kissing and biting it.

"I'm insane? Minho, baby, you haven't touched me ever since that night six months ago. I craved for you every single day, but I was too scared... Hand holding, kissing and dates aren't enough for me. I want all of you. I'm greedy." She moaned as I bit her neck.

"I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, but trust me, there's nothing more I want to do than fuck you, Iris." I took off her blouse and she folded in my arms. Fuck, her skin was so soft, her hair smelled so good, and she was just as sick in the head as I was.

"I love you so much." She confessed.

"Fuck, love, me too, I am obsessed with you. How did I find someone so perfect for me?" It was true. I was utterly consumed by Iris, and I wanted her so badly, it burned.

She grabbed the gun from my leg holster and put it in my hand, her fingers then working on opening my zipper.

"Hold onto that, baby, I'm gonna need you to use it later."

She took off my pants and took my dick in her mouth, licking from top to bottom skilfully, her tongue swirling around my tip. I was already rock hard, and couldn't help but roll my head back when she deepthroated me. She was way too hot like that, on her knees in front of me, wearing just her bra and a skirt that should've come off ages ago.

Blowjobs became a common occurrence after my last mission four months ago, but in this scenario, it was giving me the thrill, and I felt myself wanting to burst immediately. It was hard to control myself.

The three guys were helplessly watching the gun in my hand, their faces stained with tears and some dried blood from Iris' previous shows. They were watching me, their gaze all too familiar, beginning me with their eyes to stop this madness and save them.

They didn't seem to realise that it was futile, I was as fucked in the head as Iris, if not more, as I've been doing this for so many more years compared to her, and if they wouldn't have made any sounds, I would've probably completely forgotten they were there.

The only thing I cared about right now was the way her lips felt around my cock and the vibrations from her muffled moans when I bottomed down deep in her neck.

I've always been sort of a closeted exhibitionist, so this scene was simply exciting, unlocking a fantasy I didn't even know I had.

I grabbed Iris' chin and made her look at me as I pulled out my cock from her mouth, then I helped her stand up and get on the bed, and the fire in her eyes let me know these guys held no power over her anymore.

I took off her pants and returned the favour, eating her out as her moans filled the room. I finally got to taste her, and oh, fuck, how sweet she was.

Unexpectedly, she raised her hand in the air and pointed to the dude in the middle.

"That one." She whispered, rolling her head back, and I understood what she meant immediately. I continued kissing her thighs while I looked back to aim properly, and without missing a beat, I painted the room red.

Entering two fingers inside, I curved them upward and focused on Iris' moans, which was not an easy task with the other two pigs squealing for their life as they watched their friend's life slip away from him due to the bullet hole in his forehead.

Iris grabbed a fistful of my hair and kept my head in place. I was sure she was close, so I continued licking her clit as my fingers worked tirelessly in her, and she let go.

"You're so pretty cumming on my fingers like this, doll." I praised her, watching the hearts in her eyes as she looked at me.

"Doll again?" She chuckled. "Fuck, that was so good. Please fuck me. I need you so badly."

I complied, putting my body on top of hers and entering her quickly. I've been patient enough.

She put her hands around my neck and pulled me closer, kissing my mouth and tasting herself on my tongue. We kissed for a while, when she pulled back and pointed to another dude, the one closest to us.

"You're taking advantage of me." I chuckled.

"Of course. Aren't you mine to take advantage of?"

I changed our positions and put her on top, thrusting into her while pointing the gun at the poor guy and shooting. The last guy that was left was now crying harder than ever, realising he has no way out of his fate. If Iris played with them until now, giving them false hope that they might get out of this, it was now certain for him that there was no hope left. He was a dead man.

This must've been the guy that hurt her the most, considering she kept him alive the longest and let him live his last moments in distress, knowing what's sure to come.

Iris fucked herself with my dick and bounced up and down as she pleased, coming for a second time. I loved seeing her use me like this, I loved her body, the expressions she made, and her beautiful, fucked up mind. I loved everything about her.

I loved her.

"I'm so close, doll." I told her, beginning to thrust myself into her again and keeping her body pressed against mine.

"Fuck, Minho, fill me up baby."

Music to my ears. She must've not been aware of the effect she had on me. How could I not listen to her every command, when they sounded so appealing?

In just a few thrusts more, I released myself inside of her, feeling the way her walls squeezed me tighter and listening to her breathe in my ear.

"I love you." I kissed her for a long time, just enjoying her presence. "Do you want to kill the last one?"

"I'd like to, but I don't know how to work a gun, and I don't feel like hurting my hands anymore. My palms still hurt from slapping them earlier." She said, so I took her palms in mine and kissed them ten times, making her chuckle.

"I'll teach you. Come." I stood up and helped her up as well, and we got dressed. I then put the gun in her hand. "You have to hold it tightly with your right hand, and secure it with your left-"

"You didn't secure it though, did you? You held it with only one hand."

"That's because I'm a pro, love. You'll learn." I kissed the side of her head.

"Will you teach me this as well?" She looked at me hopeful, and I nodded. She was already so good at close body combat, why not teach her this as well?

"Of course. I will do anything you want, my love. But until then, safety first, hm?"

"Okay." She nodded happily. "Now what?"

"Your legs, move them like this." I showed her the way you properly assume the Weaver stance, as it was the most stable one, also providing a slightly better accuracy, even if you needed to have some aim to use it properly. Oh, well, it's not like it mattered if she missed his head once or twice.

"Like this?" She turned to me, her eyes glowing.

Fucking hell, I am obsessed with this girl.

If this is what Chris felt for Emilia, no wonder he's so devastated even two years later.

But if it ever came to it, would I kill Iris if she betrayed me? Would I just cast her away? Would I still love her?

Fucking hell. My feelings are too much.

"Yes, doll, exactly like that. Where do you wanna hit him first?"

She smirked and pointed the gun down, towards that man's groin. I chuckled.

"Wasn't the hot water enough?"

The poor man started shaking his head vigorously, as if begging Iris to reconsider, but she was dead set on taking this dude's manhood before taking his life.

"What, dude? You made her the sociopath she is today!" I went over him and kicked his leg, as he hopelessly watched me, still pathetically pleading with his eyes. "The audacity some men have!" I spat, then went once more behind Iris and hugged her from the back, my hands guiding the gun in the right position.

"What, do you think I'm a sociopath?" Iris asked, as If offended.

"No, love, I don't think so. I'm sure of it."

"Mean." She scoffed, then chuckled slightly. "Now what?"

"Now, pull the trigger." I whispered in her ear, and she did with no hesitation, the bullet hitting the guy straight in the manhood.

"Okay, that was quite fun!" She spoke triumphantly as the dude cried out in pain. His companions sure had it easier.

"Yea? Do you like shooting guns?" I kissed her neck.

"I'm not sure. I like shooting this trash."

"Should we kill him now? I'm quite hungry. Let's go on a date and celebrate. Eat something good, drink some champagne..."

"Sure." She moved away from my grasp and turned around, giving me the gun. Her hand was slightly shaking. I gladly took it from her, not wanting her to rush into doing something she was not ready for or that she could regret. For me, it was another story. I could've killed 1000 of these dudes with no remorse, especially for her.

I would've done any crime for her, and she seemed so aware of it, it was dangerous.

I hugged her again and grabbed the back of her head with my hand, guiding her to my shoulder. She snuggled against me, and I didn't let her watch as I pulled the trigger and killed the last guy.

~

After seeing her shenanigans, it became crystal clear to Chris and to everyone else in Stray Kids that Iris would be the best person to gather intel on others through physical or psychological torture. Her knowledge on psychology was extremely valuable, and on one hand, I was glad the team finally started acknowledging her more, but on the other, I worried.

I.

I.

I worried about her well-being. How fucked up was that?

I was so afraid of her being uncomfortable and feeling guilty for torturing people, especially since it was different from the three guys. She had a personal vendetta against them, but other people she didn't care for or know were a different story.

I voiced my concerns to Chris, and the only thing he did was laugh in my face.

"Wow, you really care about her." He said, his eyes cold. "But you know better than anyone that no one stays here unless they are valuable in some way."

"Do you really want me to leave?" I asked him, my eyes even colder.

"Leave?" He raised a brow. "You? Would you ever leave this life – everything you've ever known – for a mere woman?"

"Be serious. You know she's not a mere woman to me. I love her."

"It hasn't been that long, how can you love her?"

"Don't be a dick. You and Emilia started dating after way less time." I was never one to bite my tongue.

"Don't you dare-"

"All I'm saying is, don't be a hypocrite. If she were alive, wouldn't you have left this life behind if she asked you to?"

"But she's not." He replied bluntly.

"But you would. So, either you finally accept Iris as my partner and let her stay here without her needing to do anything about it, or I'm fucking gone, man." I turned around to leave, but his next words stopped me dead in the tracks.

"What if she's the one who came to me and asked to let her take on this role?" He chuckled slightly.

"... what?"

"I already accepted her as part of our team, man. She wants to be useful to us, to you, but I appreciate your love outburst. I'm glad you found someone."

This fucker.

I left without saying another word.

~

I knew Iris wanted to join me on missions, but how could I possibly be okay with that, when I cared so much about her? Last month I accidentally hit her too hard when teaching her a move and she fell, taking a vase down with her, which broke and cut her left wrist. She bled for a long while, and I almost cried, for fuck's sake.

Needless to say, she had to get stitches, and we never trained inside the house again.

I made my way to the gardens and saw Hyunjin reading something on a bench.

"Hey man, what's up?" I asked, watching him flip the pages quickly.

"Not much, waiting for your girlfriend to finish up."

"Finish up what?"

"She's in the greenhouse."

I nodded and left in a rush, wanting to see her and ask her about her conversation with Chris. She was indeed in the greenhouse, painting a field of flowers – black irises.

"Hello, doll." I said, kissing her right temple.

"Minho. I'm almost done here. Wanna go on a date?" She smiled.

"Of course. Should we go see a movie?"

"Sounds good."

"Iris, can I talk to you about something, though?"

She put the brush down and looked at me.

"Did you talk to Chris?"

"You figure me out too easily." I chuckled. "Why do you want to put yourself in danger so much?"

"I just want to... be part of your universe, you know?" She smiled.

"But coming with me anywhere is way too much." I frowned. "It's dangerous, and-"

"Chris said the same thing actually." She chuckled.

He did?

"So we reached a compromise. I'm just going to do what I'm good at – I'm gonna work with Han and find out everything we can about our targets, and I can come with you if you're going on gun trades."

"Gun trades? Hmm... I see."

True, those were not as dangerous, especially ever since we started selling them throughout Europe. Whenever we had to seal a big deal, it felt just like travelling for a business meeting.

"What do you think?" She asked, and I initially thought she was talking about the compromise she made with Chris, but after watching what her gaze pointed to, I realised she meant the painting.

"It looks beautiful, Iris. But why black?"

"I figured black suits me the most. Doesn't it?"

"Isn't black associated with depression and pessimism?" I frowned, and she started laughing.

"It is, but it's also associated with power, strength, and authority. That's what I want to be..."

"Then yes, it fits you well." I kissed her cheek, and we both stood up.

"Also – don't you always wear black? What is this double standard?!"

"Yea, but it's different when I do it." I protested. "Although I can't lie – you're hot as fuck in black."

"Hmmmmmmmm." She frowned and then chuckled slightly. "So, to the movies?" She grabbed my hand and looked at me, and watching her beautiful eyes, I just knew that the word 'love' was too simple to describe how much I cared for this girl.

"Yes. Let's go." I nodded lazily, focusing on the way her hand felt in mine. My thumb brushed over her knuckles and my grip was tight, for I never wanted to let go.

"Damn, I crave some nachos and popcorn... and even that washed out drink..." She mumbled, and so we went to our date night.

---

Chapter 5 | Chapter 7

[easypeasylindyvesey]

APRIL 2027- PART 2

The couch sinks as someone sits down next to me. Oh, gee, I wonder who it could be?

I turn my head and see Adam give me an apologetic smile. “How’s it goin with you?” he starts. “You’ve been awfully quiet.”

I return that smile. “Not much to say given the circumstances,” I reply.

“Hey. I noticed that, uh, that you forgot your bouquet in the car that night,” he says. “I came by a couple weeks ago to return it to you, but I guess you weren’t home. Then I came by again a couple days later, and you didn’t answer either. I see your car’s still in the parking lot, so I got confused. Don’t worry, though. I put the bouquet in a vase in my house and it still looks fresh.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that,” I say. “I, uh, I’m actually staying with Jimmy right now. I have been for the last few weeks. He’s, uh, he’s the one who met me at the hospital, and he felt we both shouldn’t be dealing with this by ourselves right now. I should’ve told you guys, though. And yeah, my car’s still there because I’m in the process of getting a parking sticker from the apartment complex, but that takes awhile, so the two of us have just been driving around with one car for right now. You can keep the bouquet for now. I can always get myself another one.”

“How is living with Jim?” Adam asks. “It’s not, uh, too much for you right now?”

I shake my head. “No, not really. It’s kinda nice to know someone’s always gonna be there God forbid there’s an emergency or something like that. I’ve crashed in the guest room. I went back to the condo to pack some things, but I haven’t been back since. Once the parking situation is sorted out, I’ll go back and get the car. I mean, we don’t really invade each other’s space that much. We’ll have meals together and go on walks just to get out of the apartment, watch TV or baseball if it’s on, but we don’t push each other to talk. It’s more of a mutual trust, I guess. I don’t know what he thinks about this whole thing.”

“I think he doesn’t wanna risk his chances of saying something that’s gonna upset you,” Adam responds. “He’s being consciously aware of the idea that you don’t want to have an entire discussion about it yet. I wouldn’t say he’s keeping his distance, more so that he’s giving you space to figure it out, you know? I mean, like you said, you’re not pushing each other’s buttons to talk about it, but I think both of you will be there for the other. It’s just a matter of when you’ll tell each other that.”

Another Harvard man that’s good with delivering a message. Seriously, did this school hold a mandatory class on how to do this stuff?

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” I say. “Thanks.”

“You got it,” he says. “Hey, I guess I’ll just ask you this now since we’re both here, but uh, Tate and I were wondering if you’d wanna go to Montauk for Memorial Day weekend. We think it’d be a good way to just get out of the city for a bit, go back to the island and get out of our heads. You can invite Jim if you want too so that it’s not an uneven number.”

“I would love that,” I smile. “I loved going there last year. Amazing was an understatement. But, uh, I’m gonna have to think about it, see how I’m feeling.”

“No worries,” says Adam. He pats my shoulder and stands up, moving away from the couch and walking over to Key, starting up a conversation with him. And here I am alone again. 

I toss my head back onto the rim of the couch and stare up at the ceiling. It’s just plain white, but damn, those lights are blinding. I shut my eyes to reduce the sensitivity. The chatter has become quieter. I’m assuming we’re all waiting to walk into that room. If I have to relive this at the funeral tomorrow, I might just not bother showing up. I will succumb to the anticipation before anything else.

My eyes gently flutter open when I hear someone’s shoes scuffling behind me. Now it’s who I think it is. “How’s the weather up there?” I tease.

He doesn’t smile or even move his mouth. Instead, he bends down and leans his mouth toward my ear. “You okay?” he whispers. Goosebumps travel down my entire body, yet I’m mostly covered. What’s that about?

“Yes,” I whisper back. “Do you know if we’re leaving soon?”

“I don’t know,” he says, “but do you need anything before we do?”

I sigh. Why is he always asking me if I need something? How many times have we been over this? Jesus.

“I need you to stop asking if I need anything,” I spit back. 

“Alright,”  he says. “Noted.”

“Okay.”

“And I’ll let you know the weather up here is quite cold. A little chilly, if you ask me. You seem to have dressed better for it than I did.”

“Well, at least I own an umbrella for the rain,” I smirk. “I don’t know how you want to walk around and be drenched. Wouldn’t that bother you?”

“Guess I’d already had my shower for the day then,” he says. His breath is still hot on my ear. I feel a deep pit in my stomach starting to form. “Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to get one tonight.”

“Yeah, you better,” I say, facing him to only be met with his lips. I look at them for a few seconds before looking into his eyes. They’re slightly chapped, but very long. Do men ever carry chapstick? Or is that another universal phenomena that can’t be explained?

I finally lift my head up from the couch. It just so happened that was the time the door finally opened and in entered a young woman fully dressed in black. “Alright, everyone,” she starts, “The room will only allow 8 guests at a time, so I’ll go down the list in order from who signed in. Our first group will be Peter, Dan, Michael, Chris, Mika, Adam, Filip, and Kaapo. If you could all follow me, I will direct you to where you need to go. Everyone else, just sit tight, okay? If there’s anything you need in the meantime, just pop on out and ask reception and they will gladly oblige.”

I watch the first group exit out the door and how it shuts behind them. Guess I’ll have to set a mental timer. Based on when I signed it, that’s at least another hour. Lord help me.

The remainder of the team is quiet for the first few seconds before initiating conversation again. I lean over to the table to pick up the TV remote. I’m not going to be able to entertain myself just by looking around the room. “Anyone have a preference?” I squeak out. I hold down the power button on the remote and it instantly starts playing the news.

“I’m down for baseball if it’s on,” Alexis replies.

“You got it,” I say, flipping to MSG, where there happened to be a New York Mets game on. “I know it’s not your team, so sorry about that,” I gesture toward the entire room.

“That’s alright,” Key says. “Thanks, Abb.”

I give him a tight-lipped smile before fiddling with the remote in my hands. Everyone’s attention directs toward the TV now, swiveling in their chairs by the bar and looking at the screen attentively. I watch along with them, but I just can’t get into it. It’s a temporary distraction. It’ll be fine.

I hear a sigh from behind me. I turn around and see Jimmy sitting on the left arm on the couch. He’s fixated on the game. I snap him out of his trance by saying “You do know you can sit here, right?”

“I just wanna give you space,” he replies without looking at me.

“Cut the shit,” I answer back. “Seriously, fucking cut it. Stop treating me like I’m glass.”

“Did I ever say you were glass?” he snaps back, right before the room exclaimed in the disappointment of what would have been a home run.

“You’re sure as hell treating me like it,” I mumble.

“Not the time for this,” he grits through his teeth. “That sure was close, man,” he voices to respond to those who were actually trying to watch the game. 

I turn around and clutch a pillow on the couch, squeezing the absolute daylights out of it before cradling it gently. I guess that was my way of releasing the anger from that quick conversation. I guess it’s his turn to cop the attitude.

Toward the end of the 4th inning, the door opens and I turn my head to watch the first group return from visiting Ryan and his family. I’m immediately drawn to Chris’ face, puffy eyed with red cheeks. He definitely cried. Mika was close to following behind, his eyes a little glassy, but I guess he’s trying to hold it together for the sake of everyone. Everyone else looks the same from when they first left; the thing is that they’re no longer the same person they were.

The same woman emerges in the doorway with the clipboard where the sign-in sheet is. “Okay, so the next group will be Alexis, Jonny, Vincent, Will, Braden, Igor, K’Andre, and Artemi. If all of you could follow me, please.” I watch the next group make their way out. It’s crazy how their demeanors instantly changed. That’s how fast life can, too.

The returning group finds their own seats to claim, some of them resorting to the mini fridge for water, perhaps to choke down any potential buildup of voice cracks or tears. They, too, become fixated on the TV. I serve this as an opportunity to get up from the couch and pick the person to hang my heavy questions on. Definitely not Chris because he’s still visibly shaken up. Not Adam because I’ve already talked to him. Mika’s pale as a ghost. I don’t want him to disappear. So I pick someone that’s always going to tell me as it is: Lavi.

I motion my way over to him, slowly yet attempting to incorporate the tiniest existence of confidence. He meets my eyes as I straggle over. “How, uh, how is he?” I begin.

“He looks at peace, Abby,” the coach says. “He’s, uh, he’s got some cuts on his face, but that’s not out of the ordinary with him. It never was. He’s got a nice suit on, and his hair is combed out quite nicely. They’ve got several displays of pictures in there, a lot of them including you, lots of one-on-ones. You’ve actually got a whole board named Ryan and Abby dedicated for the both of you.”

Wow. Everyone knew he loved me that much, huh?

“Actually?” I whisper.

“Yeah,” Lavi replies. “It’s, uh, it’s a very nice gesture. Whoever came up with that idea surely had you in mind.”

I nod. “Yeah.”

“But it’s a small room,” he continues. “The family’s up front, receiving condolences. I’m sure they’ll be very grateful to see you once you’re called in.”

“Yeah, I hope so,” I reply. “Thanks.”

“Sure.”

I make my way back to the couch. I notice Jimmy’s finally sat down on it, though on the end. He’s staring at the wall. I guess he’s found a new way to disassociate. 

I sit down on the other end. “Did it take me leaving to sit?” I argue.

“Guess it did,” he says nonchalantly.

I tap my hands on my dress before turning to face him. “Is there something you need to say to me? Because I’m not liking the attitude.”

He longingly sighs before shifting his torso to me and looking at me. “And I’m not liking this situation,” he says. “Do you think that any of us want to be here right now? Do you think this ever could’ve happened? It’s just like a slap in the face.”

“It is,” I say. “And it’s terrible, but we’re all here together, and I’m sure he would have been overwhelmed with gratitude that we all flew here to say goodbye. We’re all feeling the same way right now. We just have to sit with it and work through it. Unless this is not what it’s truly about and you’re mad at me or something.”

“Why would I be mad at you?” Jimmy retorts.

“I don’t know,” I say. “Maybe because I’ve been acting like your dog on a leash for the past month and you can never seem to get away from me because I’m always in your space.”

“Well, that’s how I feel about you, too,” he deadpans.

Oh.

“I’m just gonna let you know that you are not, in any way, never, ever, will be a burden,” he says. “Not to me. Never have been, never will be. Especially not in these moments. You understand?”

“Yeah, yeah, I do,” I gawk. “Same goes for you.”

Jimmy nods and returns his attention to the TV. “I’m sorry about before. And, for the record, I don’t think you’re glass. You’ve always been able to hold your own, and there’s no doubt you still will. I just want to check in on you, that’s all.”

“And I’m fine,” I reply.

He doesn’t respond, instead looks at me, but this time, it’s past my soul and perhaps into another world. It’s as if he’s drawing my face from scratch and ingraining it into my brain in case he ever forgets it. I guess that’s his way of saying that he knows I’m lying. I’m fine with that alternative. Better than actually admitting it.

The room begins to get stuffy as I glance around it for the billionth time. I feel that I’ve been stuck in this room for the entirety of my life. It feels like a death sentence. It feels as if all of the punishments I’ve had to receive throughout my time on this planet, the universe decided to hand me this. I need to get out of here. Unless this is all a simulation and he’s still walking around somewhere, waiting to scare the crap out of me when I actually see him. God, I really wish it was.

Everyone in the room continues to watch the Mets. It’s not a surprise that they’re not doing well, currently being down by 6 runs. I don’t understand the obsession with men and baseball. I don’t find it entertaining. But, hey, if it makes them happy, I can’t change that. And if it distracts them from the reality, then I’d rather not interfere. I rest my head back on the couch and close my eyes, hoping I succeed in the attempt to drown everything out around me, at least for the time being. 

I think about what is perhaps the worst part of this entire situation, and that’s how the drunk driver who hit Ryan got sentenced to only 9 months in prison, along with one year probation. He should’ve been sentenced for so much longer. It’s vehicular manslaughter. It’s DWI. It’s murder. Once again, the justice system fails. And they don’t even care. And it sure as hell does not bring him back. It makes me sick.

I wasn’t allowed to go to the court appearance for whatever fucking reason, but once the news broke, and it was splattered all across TV and newspapers, I do not exaggerate the idea of throwing an absolute fit. I’m talking an absolute hellfire. Raising my voice and screaming at almost everyone and everything, calling his family and the attorney that represented him, the actual court. It was not a good time to be around me. Calling my mom and venting to her about it. That moment alone made me feel I was extremely capable of exerting my anger onto someone, and in more ways than one. Hell, I would’ve gone to jail for murder in that instance.

I also have to remind myself that he does not actually exist anymore. It’s just his soul. Not his body. I can’t walk out of here and wait for him. Instead, he’ll be following me around. How long? I don’t know. Perhaps he’s going to haunt me. It feels as if he already is. I can only pray that he’s at peace. Knowing he called me as if he knew I would be the last person he would ever speak to, I can’t help but feel so guilty. He could’ve called his mom, his dad, one of his brothers, anyone on the team, and he called me. Everyone deserved to hear him one final time. And it’s a shame that I lost the opportunity.

[corvidcall]

ive been trying to find an effective treatment for my ADHD for about 9 months now, and nothing seemed to do anything. In a last-ditch effort to see if Adderall even effected me at all, my psych doubled my prescription. It was honestly like night and day. I was finally able to accomplish stuff, and it was so easy!!! The biggest difference for me was like... well I've had a lot of anxiety, which has only gotten increasingly worse during the pandemic. Having to go to a new place or ask someone for help or God forbid make a phone call would require at least 20 minutes of me psyching myself up first, and probably several bouts of crying. And then most of the time I still wasn't able to do it!

Adderall didn't really make me have less anxiety - I still hate the phone and I hate going to new places and I hate asking for help - but I was suddenly able to just... do them anyway. My whole life I've heard people say that you shouldn't let fear stop you from doing stuff, just do it scared!! And as it turns out, everyone else has, this whole time, actually had the ability to do things scared.

Anyway, I ran out of that new higher dose prescription 2 weeks ago and haven't been able to get it refilled. I'm struggling so much just to even finish my daily tasks at my job, let alone any other chores i need to get done. But it's weirdly validating to be struggling so much without medication. Turns out, there actually WAS something wrong with me, and it wasn't just that I'm lazy and a coward. My whole life, I've had people insist the the roadblocks I've experienced shouldn't have stopped me at all. They barely qualified as detours! Why am I giving up so easily??? but it turns out the problem is that I've been riding a bicycle while everyone else has been in a tank.

It certainly doesn't make the struggle of being unmedicated any easier, but at least I know that the fact that I'm struggling means I did, in fact, need it, and I'm not just trying to come up with excuses about my own laziness

[voirists]

This is the picture I have as my profile on one of my socials.

Just a lot of tired rambling beneath the cut. Descriptions of not so great parenting and insinuated queerphobia, I guess?

Today my mother that I see once a year (and i'm very happy for those circumstances. 7 days a year are torture enough) called me on my dad's phone since she knew I wouldn't pick up if I saw her number to inquire about it. Or rather, interrogate me about it.

Her last update was me insinuating I had a girlfriend (which I didn't. I did say it out of spite though, since I'm afab and my mom is enough of a fucking queerphobe, she insists on disrespecting me in all ways possible and still hasn't managed to call me by the right names or pronouns even once without mocking me off the ends of the earth) and that nearly gave her an aneurysm, so I quite enjoyed not correcting her about that. That was nearly two years ago.

I also have never, never, ever brought up Pedro or anything of the like to her because she will never see any of his things on her own (she's kind of extremist old-fashioned when it comes to electronics and media too, what a shocker) and her favorite pastime is destroying the things I enjoy and making me miserable.

For some reason, she saw this picture today (I've had it for months) and her first thought was that this is a picture I took of my (non-existent) boyfriend. So she called me to complain that

1. Why doesn't she know about him? Clearly, we are best friends and she loves me oh so much and god, I am such a terrible daughter who just wants to make her miserable, what did I ever do to you? She's incredibly upset that I would not share these things with her (gasp) and she wants to meet him. I literally live in a different country. There are over ten hours of a drive between us (and thank fuck for that, physical distance is the only thing stopping her from randomly showing up on my doorstep and ruining my week and instantly making my mental health skyrocket 50 feet beneath the ground).

2. I seem to have fun. He seems to have fun. God forbid I have joy in my life that she can't get a chance to ruin and make about herself.

3. I am terrible with photography. Why is this picture so blurry? Also, he looks older. Have I finally realized the whole queer thing is just to make her suffer and myself special so I don't feel so worthless? Having a man put me in my place is just what I need, because clearly I'm still in my rebellious stage, thinking I don't want to see her every weekend.

4. She's also calling to remind me that it's mother's day, I owe it to her to celebrate her special day and she's so upset I didn't get her a week-long trip to Italy for two (that I wouldn't even be invited to) as a present. It's not like I'm barely paying rent and am lucky to have 20 bucks left at the end of a month.

And every time, she's fucking surprised as if it was big news that I'm not really into spending time with her as her metaphorical and literal punching bag, door mat and therapist. I wonder why that is. For fucks sake.

I am currently very tempted to photoshop myself into pictures with Pedro and putting them as my profile on that social she's apparently now stalking, slowly getting more unhinged until she's so fucking offended by it, she won't try to call me any longer out of pure disgust.

Apparently "Oh god, yes please" is not the right answer to her threat of putting me in therapy and going no contact because I'm so fucking horrible and bullying her by being myself and not giving a shit about her opinion anymore. I would have gotten myself therapy fucking years ago if I could afford it, and this is a very weird attempt to control a full ass adult who lives in a whole other country.

[thekatfuzz]

Job rant

I dream of the day i can give my 2 weeks. This single position has made me the worst mental. I think I have been in a long time. I am constantly feeling frustrated, helpless, depressed, and there are times in the morning where I couldn't even get out of bed to go to work. The main manager of the warehouse gets to disappear for like three weeks, but God forbid I take one day off for a mental health break I get penalized, and if I get too many penalizations it will eventually probably lead to getting fired.  I can't just walk out, because this is a company that I would like to work for in a higher position later in the future, and I also still have to support my rent and myself. But I have been here since August, and I have definitely been here longer than I wanted to call the managers really don't seem to care about us warehouse workers even though they claim to one of them is pretty nice but I feel like she's giving me answers before two things just to get me to stop asking her, when she actually didn't know the answer for just wanted to say something to sound like she didn't know. Another manager to from when I started here I was brave enough to express that I wanted to work somewhere else asked me why, and when I explained to him, he gave me a snarky response like he didn't just ask me to tell him why. On a separate occasion, he gave me the whole "oh, you could talk to me, I'm here for you, I deal with mental health too" and I was like buddy you're the last person I wanna go to talk about those things with. You don't understand what I sent through and I can out rated to tell you that this position is draining me because you asked what exactly was draining me. Also, this past week he just gave us a talk about being one percent lower than our usual accuracy rate, (it was at 97% now its at 96%) and that we needed to be better about making mistakes but he finished that with oh but you guys are all great and doing a good job and I love you.

They also claim to be all about health and safety, but when I kindly asked my manager, if we could wash the shared yellow vests, we wear when we go deliver items in the truck, and she was like yeah sure I'll talk to the Next Door warehouse about that because they have washing machines and you know what? It never got done, no update from her or anything. I'm feeling constantly unappreciated by the higher ups, and even though they might have been in our position before, I feel like they still don't understand how hard it is to be doing what we're doing right now, especially for someone like me who has expressed that I think I would do much better at another location and with problems, waking up early, mental health, etc

There are so many things wrong with this place and just too much to say.



The good news is I have a couple of interviews lined up for the next coming weeks, so hopefully I'll be able to get out soon.

[visualtae]

Yesterday I was going to go out and try going somewhere new by myself and my roommate said it made her nervous for me to go out alone (and I get that it makes me nervous too) and so she promised we could go out to trivia tonight so I didn’t go. Then today she spent the whole afternoon out having lunch and doing something and now trivia starts in 30 minutes and she’s asleep on the couch and I should’ve known she would do this because she did it the other week and made us 2 hours late to an event I spent the entire week telling her about. I can’t go to trivia by myself. And yes I can go another night, that’s not the point. The point is I’m tired of this person who claims she’s my friend treating me like this, but god forbid I do it to her suddenly I’m the worst person in the world. I wish I had other friends. I had a terrible day sitting around waiting to have fun, and for nothing. 

[graysongraysoff]

i know i’m the one who keeps saying it’s not going to be like flipping a switch but it is a little disheartening that my coworkers seem to have like. zero faith in me whatsoever.

[the-only-ace]

Hey I know you are really busy with all the request and job and all that but can you do shinee's reaction to s/o stealing their t-shirts and hoodies?? You can make them one shots of you want too😁

shinee reacts: their s/o wearing their clothes

heyyy~ i really liked this request because i personally love to do this. for this request, i want to try something new since you gave me an idea with the one-shots part. so instead of describing their reactions, i'll convey it in a form of a short story. it will still be per member! i hope you will like this one (heads up though, the posts is a bit longer than my usual shinee reacts) <3

p.s. if you guys can, kindly let me know if you like this kind of format for shinee reacts. thank you!

send in your requests here!

onew / jinki: you sighed for the nth time within just 10 short minutes. you were staring and pouting in front of your closet for you can't find the perfect clothes for your brunch date with onew. it was a hot day today and you just wanted to wear something cute but comfortable. however, it seems like your wardrobe doesn't offer that kind of outfit.

your eyes slowly traveled toward onew's part of the closet. his side was full of quirky graphic tees which you always find adorable. you don't usually borrow his clothes but you can't help but to take a peek at them and take the one that caught your eyes.

it was a white oversized shirt with a cute box cartoon drawn in front of it. you tried it on and it stopped perfectly on your thighs, making it look like a cute dress. surprisingly, it even matches the pair of sneakers you were wearing.

before you can even decide whether you were keeping it on or not, onew walked into your room. his hair a bit damp and he was only wearing a towel considering that he just took a shower.

"oh, is that my shirt?" he pointed at you.

"uh... yeah. do you mind? i just wanted to wear something that is yours." you sheepishly replied.

"no problem!" he beamed his big bright smile before proceeding to get his own outfit.

you muttered a thank you then went to your vanity to finish touching up your makeup. afterward, you grabbed your phone and wallet and placed them inside your shoulder bag.

"alright, I'm ready to go..." you trailed off as you saw what he looked like. "what the hell are you wearing, lee jinki?"

"your shirt?" he raised an eyebrow, clearly feigning ignorance.

he was wearing your favorite grey t-shirt and it looked pitiful on him, it was as if it can tear at any moment. it barely covered his abdomen and was stretched to its limit.

"no shit, sherlock." you facepalmed at his usual weirdness. "what i want to know is why... why are you wearing it?"

"i thought we were doing a thing wherein we wear each other's clothes." he shrugged as if his response should be expected.

"what? no! please have mercy on my shirt and put on your own clothes." you can't help but laugh at him as you pushed him back to the dresser.

"alright, alright! i just wanted to make you laugh and look, it worked perfectly." he playfully pinched the tip of your nose before taking off the top he borrowed. "also, you should keep that shirt since it looks a hundred--no, million--times better on you."

"thanks, love," you whispered as you wrapped your arms around his waist and pulled him into a warm hug.

key / kibum:

after the long busy months, you were finally having a girl's night with your best friends. you stood in front of the full-length mirror in your room to give yourself a final check. your hair was styled into textured waves and your lips were colored with the boldest red lipstick you can find. your nude heels matched the little black dress you were wearing. your outfit looked almost perfect and you just knew what you were missing. you quickly snatched key's gold leather jacket and put it on. ah, perfection.

this was the norm for you. your boyfriend's wardrobe was beyond incredible especially his outerwear collection and you just had to wear them every chance you can get. to be honest, key was very stubborn in letting you borrow his clothes... at first. after all the compromising, begging, and crying you made, he eventually budged and gave up. of course, it does not come for free. he practically made you sign a contract that once you stained his clothes, you have to shoulder the bill of the laundry and the shop will be chosen by him. however, if you damaged or god forbid, lost his clothes, you have to replace them. you immediately said yes to all of the conditions in a heartbeat. so far you only paid for 2 incredulously expensive laundry bills.

now, you were finally ready to leave. you walked out of the bedroom and made your way down the living room. there, key was sitting on the couch watching one of his favorite tv series.

"I'll be going out now," you announced as you grab your car keys near the front door.

"hey, hey, hey!" key clicked his tongue upon seeing your clothes. he was now looking behind his shoulder and giving you a stink eye. "is that my jacket?"

"um... maybe?" you gave him an awkward smile.

"of course, it's mine." he shook his head disapprovingly. "only i can pull that off, by the way." he sassily added.

"wow, i didn't know the fashion police was here. you should have given me a head's up, babe ." you bit back with a scoff. the last time you checked, you looked damn fine in it.

"just stating facts, baby," he replied in english.

"alright, then why don't you take me shopping then? so you can buy me a new set of clothes that will satisfy your standards." you challenged and if he said yes, you were clearly the winner.

"excuse me, i do call you 'baby' but i am not your sugar daddy. go now, you'll be late." he shooed you off.

"okay bye," a playful smirk appeared on your face. "daddy."

this made key rolled his eyes before turning his back on you. he would very much rather ignore you if you keep on acting that way.

"it's bye now, for real." you giggled as you open the door. "love you!" you called out before stepping out.

"love you too, brat." key mumbled with a small smile.

minho:

winter was approaching and the air was slowly becoming colder than usual. it was the best time to stay in the comfort of your warm home and enjoy hot cocoa with your loved ones. a perfect time to wear your sweaters and hoodies indoors. however, this was not the case for minho for his favorite hoodie was missing.

"hey, babe?" he called out from the bedroom. "have you seen my black hoodie? the one with the white writings on it."

"what's that, i didn't hear you?" you went inside a few seconds later.

and there it was, his favorite hoodie being worn by his favorite person. you looked smaller while wearing it since it was way too big for you. the hem almost touched your knees and your whole arms were lost inside the sleeves. he can't help but smile at the sight.

"nothing, i was just looking for my hoodie but it looks like i found it." he gestured at the clothes you were wearing.

"oh, shoot. sorry, i didn't tell you that i borrowed it." you hit your forehead with your palm.

"it's okay. you're free to use them anytime, anyway." he patted the top of your head.

within the last few weeks, minho noticed that you sometimes wear his clothes. it was not a daily thing though and you even asked for his permission. slowly, it became every day and he would just be surprised to see you walking around the house parading his jackets and sweaters. he didn't mind it though, he was just curious about what you do to your own clothing. also, he hoped that he still had some remaining tops for himself during the cold season.

well, guess luck was not on his side.

his eyes were staring at his closet wherein there was only one jacket left, one. you followed his gaze and you promptly felt the warmth raised to your cheeks. you were surely red from embarrassment now. you were happily wearing his clothes that you didn't have the time to count how much was left.

"oh my god, i'm sorry! i didn't--" you cut yourself off as you watched him put on the lone jacket from his dresser. "i'm sorry, i didn't notice it. i just... can't help myself. your jackets are so comfortable and warm compare to mine." you tried to explain yourself. also not to mention that they all smelled just like him.

"don't worry about it." he reassured you as he placed his arm around your shoulder. "just be mindful next time. i might end up half-naked someday, you know."

"how can you be so sure that's not my goal?" you teased before sticking your tongue out.

he laughed at your silliness and then pressed a soft kiss on your warm forehead. you decided to make a cup of hot cocoa for him as a peace offering.

taemin:

it was past midnight and it was raining cats and dogs outside. you visited taemin in his apartment for a stay-at-home dinner date but a storm came before you can even go back home. taemin then convinced you to spend the night there instead. it was not a big deal anyway since you stayed over a lot of times already. you just didn't bring your sleepover bag with you and the dress you were wearing was definitely not comfortable to sleep on.

your caring boyfriend of course promised to ease your worries. the two of you shared a warm bath after dinner and he lent you his clothes for you to change to. so that was how you ended up on his couch, fighting off sleep because the show you both were watching always had a cliffhanger ending per episode. you two needed some answers before you can drift off to sleep peacefully. it was the weekend tomorrow anyway so staying up late won't hurt that much.

your head was laying on his lap while his right hand was playing on the locks of your hair and his left one was comfortably resting on the top of your hip. his hand would occasionally rub circles on the exposed skin. as much as you hate to move from your cozy spot, you had to or else you might end up dozing off right there and then. not to mention, him playing on your hair does not help at all.

you slowly got up from the sofa as you tried to stifled a yawn. "i'll just go get some cold drink." you pushed yourself up from your seat.

you then raised your arms and stretched with a satisfied groan. your shoulders and back were sore after laying down for more or less 3 hours. you can even hear your joints cracking from stretching out. also, you felt the shirt you were wearing raised up.

taemin's shirts were not overly huge for you whenever you wore them. the hem barely covered your behind and right now you were sure that a tiny portion of your buttcheeks was peeking through the white tee. you weren't conscious about it, taemin saw much more than that anyway.

suddenly, you felt a slap across your behind which made you freeze on your spot. you looked behind and saw your boyfriend confidently leaning on the couch with his legs crossed.

"did you just slap my butt?" you inquired.

"uh-huh," he nodded with a cocky grin. "want me to spank you again?"

you frowned a little as you processed the sudden change of mood. taemin won't deny it though, seeing you in his shirts always made his heart skip a bit and his breathing ragged. you always looked effortlessly sexy in them.

"sure, why not?" you replied wickedly after a few seconds of silence.

taemin processed your answer in a split second and he hastily grabbed you by the waist and threw you on his broad shoulders. he did not forget you give you another smack on the ass when he made his way toward the bedroom, the television was completely forgotten.

[what-is-your-plan-today]

Real Life Tasks With Ransom Drysdale

An Advent Calendar of 24 Normal Human Tasks As Performed By A Huge Man Baby. 

Day 1: The Case Of The Mysterious Shrinking Sweater.

Warnings: Bad Language words

Pairing: Ransom Drysdale x Reader

A/N:  So this all came about as myself, @sweater-daddiesdumbdork​ and @jennmurawski13​ saw a post about Ransom doing everyday things…and yeah, it kinda spiralled. The series will consists of one-shots and drabbles, all light hearted…and the occasional little bit of smut thrown in for your pleasure and we hope a nice countdown to Christmas after what has been an utter shit-show of a year.

We will be taking it in turns to alternate posting so keep your eyes peeled for the next instalments as they arrive. I’ll be re-blogging and tagging my list. 

Series Masterlist. 

 People say that being pregnant was an enjoyable experience, that you glowed and bloomed. But right now the only thing blooming was the feeling of nausea in the pit of your stomach. You lay still, hoping that it would go away, but as usual it didn’t. Swinging your legs off the side of your huge bed, you hurried barefoot over the plush carpet of the bedroom you shared with your husband before dropping with a thud to the floor of the en-suite, emptying the contents of your stomach into the porcelain bowl of the toilet. You repeated the motion again and again until you were retching dry air, your eyes watering, throat stinging and you let out a little sob.

At almost 22 weeks pregnant, this was ridiculous. The whole morning sickness was supposed to have eased off by now, but not for you. Oh no. Mind you, what else were you to expect given that you were expecting his baby.

The spawn of Satan…

“Y/N?” your husband’s deep baritone hit your ears and you turned to look up at him as he stood in the doorway, clad only in his boxers. Strong thighs gave way to a tapered waist, a flat yet slightly soft stomach ran into the hard planes of chest muscle and sculpted arms from years of playing polo (God forbid the asshole do any other form of manual exercise, well apart from the obvious one that got you into this mess in the first place that is). Broad shoulders stretched either side of a strong neck which supported that damningly handsome face with the jawline that could cut glass and those deep blue eyes that had ruined your panties the first time you’d seen them.

Hugh Ransom Drysdale was a beautiful bastard. And he knew it.

“You ok?” he asked. You narrowed your eyes before a fresh wave of nausea hit you and you retched once more.

“Do I look ok?” you shot back, sinking back onto your heels, wiping at your face. You felt Ransom move from the doorway and then heard the tap running.

“Here.” One hand settled between your shoulder-blades, the other handed you a glass of water as Ransom knelt besides you, his blue eyes bearing the warmth that he reserved only for you. You took the drink without a thanks, the usual sarcasm he would display at such an action remained unsaid as you drained the glass and passed it back. “Can I do anything else?”

“Fast forward to January next year so the baby’s here?” you grumbled “I can’t take another damned 4 months or whatever of this, Ransom!”

“Sorry Princess.” He chuckled, “I can’t help you there.” “I hate you.”

“So you keep saying.” He shrugged “But the fact you’re pregnant with my son…kinda proves that you don’t.”

“We were drunk. Besides, hate fucking is a thing.”

“Is hate marrying?”

“Yup.” You nodded. “I only married you so I could divorce you for your money.”

“Well that was almost 2 years ago so why you still here?” he drawled back and you looked at him, snorting as a smirk spread across his face before he tossed his head slightly to throw back the strands of his hair that had fallen forward over his forehead “Thought so.”

“Asshole.”

With a roll of his eyes Ransom helped you to your feet, glancing down at your chest, your swollen breasts visible down the front of your camisole top. His eyebrow arched a little as he raised his head to meet your eyes and you snorted.

“Don’t even think about it.”

“Oh come on baby!” he whined, his hands falling to your hips, pushing up the silk of the top you were wearing, his thumbs skating over the curve of your bump “You know what seeing you like this does to me.”

“Seeing me like what? Red faced with puke in my hair?”

“Yeah the puke not so much.” He wrinkled his face, “But I can think of an arrangement here that could potentially eliminate that particular issue.”

“You’re not fucking me in the shower.” You shook your head.

“But…”

“No buts Ransom.” You looked at him as he glared back, his face now wearing the usual petulant expression he bore when he didn’t get his own way “Stop being a brat. I’m up now and I got stuff to do.”

“Yeah? Like what?” he folded his arms. You gave a groan of exasperation.

“I have a conference call with my boss at midday…”

“It’s a Saturday.”

“I know that, but we have a big case…”

“You don’t need to work, tell him to fuck off.”

As usual you ignored Ransom’s dig about your job. He could never understand why you insisted on keeping your role as a Legal Secretary, but then again what was to be expected from the trust fund Man-Baby who had never worked a day in his life. “And there’s a pile of laundry to do.”

“I don’t know why you won’t let me hire a maid….”

“I don’t WANT A FUCKING MAID!” you exploded. Ransom’s eyebrows shooting upwards slightly was the only reaction to your shouting that he gave. “This is our home...”

“Well with the baby on the way, maybe you might want to reconsider that stance.”

“Or maybe you could start pulling your weight.” You jabbed him in his chest. He glanced down at your finger, his eyebrow arched as he looked back at you.

“Pulling my weight?”

“Yes.”

“Exactly how?”

“I dunno…how about you start performing those little real life tasks that normal people do Ransom? You know, the laundry, cleaning the bathroom, loading the dishwasher, making the bed, cooking breakfast or dinner…”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” He scoffed and you groaned “You know I can’t cook.”

“How do you think I learned?” you shook your head, before rubbing at your temple. “I practiced.”

“Yeah, not gonna happen Princess.”

“What a surprise” you shrugged “God forbid Hugh Ransom Drysdale get his hands dirty.”

“Don’t fucking call me that.” He snapped and you snorted. Of all the names you called him, it was his actual name that riled him so much. It was ridiculous, but also too good an opportunity to pass up. He was an asshole at times, and you took none of his shit. You never had done, not since that fateful day you met in that lecture hall at Harvard some 10 years or so ago. Truth be told, he’d often admitted it was the fact you gave him nothing but shit, called him out and basically ignored him for 6 months, despite the fact that you desperately wanted him to do very rude things to you. Your ambivalence provided him with a challenge and he pursued you with a dogged determination which you eventually gave in to towards the end of your first year of Study.

“Why not?” you shrugged, deciding to poke the bear a little more because, well, you could…that and you kind of enjoyed watching that vein pop in his neck when he was pissed “Isn’t that what the help call you? I mean I might as well be your help all things considered.”

“You’re my fucking wife.” Ransom spoke through grit teeth, his jaw set, neck strained (ah, there was that vein!)

“Well here’s a novel idea.” You smiled up at him “Why don’t you start acting like I am instead of some glorified housekeeper that you fuck and keep in your bed.”

“Ok, I’m gonna let that slide due to hormones.” Ransom’s hands fell to his hips.

“You’re gonna let it slide?” you scoffed

“Yes.”

“Whatever.” You took a deep breath “Now get out I need a shower.”

“So….just so we’re on the same page, you don’t want me to-“

“NO RANSOM!” you growled, shoving his chest. He sniggered, stepped back with his hands up, palms open as he backed out of the door, closing it behind him.

*****

Ransom could hear Y/N’s voice as it drifted softly through the closed door of the study into the hallway and he rolled his eyes. Her boss was a jerk, making her call in at midday on a fucking weekend, all because he was too incompetent to cope himself. She should be curled up on the sofa, watching junk, eating crap, wearing nothing but one of his sweaters. She’d been looking for her favourite one before, cursing when she’d realised it was in the laundry hamper and mumbling about how she’d pop it into the machine later.

“How about you start performing those little real life tasks that normal people do Ransom? You know, do the laundry…”

Ransom paused by the stairs, before he smirked a little. “Oh you’re gonna eat your words, Princess.” He mumbled, before he bolted upstairs and into their bedroom, through to the en-suite. Tipping the hamper up on its side he looked down at the pile of clothes and frowned. Y/N normally sorted them into separate piles, but he wasn’t sure how…or why now he thought about it.

Fuck it, there was nothing google couldn���t solve.

He soon found out, thank you Housewives Online, that they needed to be sorted according to colours. Whites, brights and darks. So, as his sweater was blue it could go in the colours pile. He nudged the other two piles to the side of the room with his foot before he gathered the one he wanted in his arms, wrinkling his nose at the fact he actually had dirty clothes in his hands and made his way downstairs. He wandered through the kitchen and into the utility room at the back, before he stuffed the items into the machine and then looked around for the detergent. He found it on a shelf over the back of the room along with the fabric softener. Grabbing them both he then paused as he realised he didn’t actually know where it went.

Okay, so this had to be a process of elimination. He pulled open the little drawer on the front and smirked as he noticed the sections were labelled.

“Piece of cake.” He poured in what he deemed enough of each and then shut it, before he looked at the digital dials on the front.

“For fucks sake…” he grumbled, punching a few buttons. Eventually the display kicked in, offering him a one hour-thirty hot wash.

“Well, who washes clothes in cold water?” he shrugged, pressing the green button. As he stood back the machine kicked into life and Ransom nodded, congratulating himself, before he decided he’d earned himself a beer.

****

“Son of a…” you heard the curse as you opened the door to the study and frowned. Whilst your call had lasted a little longer than it should have, surely Ransom couldn’t have gotten himself into that much trouble in the space of two hours. You followed his string of expletives down the hall, through the kitchen and into the laundry room to find Ransom holding what looked like a smaller version of his sweater in his hands.

“What are you doing?” you frowned.

“Singing a duet with Beyonce, what does it look like I’m doing?” he snapped.

“It looks like you’re doing laundry.” You ignored his shitty comment and arched an eyebrow, one hand falling to your small bump.

“No shit, Sherlock.”

“Where did you get that little…” you trailed off as you realised that it wasn’t a smaller version of his gorgeous navy blue, soft woolly number in his hands, it WAS his gorgeous navy blue, soft woolly number “You shrunk your sweater?” He glared at you as you started to laugh “Oh my god, you dumbass!”

“It wasn’t me it was that fucking shitty machine.”

“There’s nothing wrong with the machine.”

“Well why did it shrink then?”

“What programme did you put it on?”

“Programme?” he frowned “I just turned it on.”

With a sigh you rubbed at your temple “There are different settings depending on what you’re washing.” You stated “That’s wool. It should have been on a cool cycle.”

Ransom looked at the item in his hand and you watched as his shoulders sagged a little. “I wanted it to be nice and clean for you to wear later.” He sighed as he peeked up at you, a strand of hair falling over to his brow. Your heart instantly melted, little gestures like this from him meant the world as it was his way of showing he cared. He could buy you all the expensive shit in the world but these were the little things you craved.

“Oh baby!” you chuckled as you stepped forward, leaning up to kiss his cheeks. “It was a nice thought…” you took the sweater off him and looked at it “But even I don’t think I’ll fit into that. It’s tiny.”

Ransom looked at it before his face suddenly curled into a smile “Baby boy tiny?”

You let out a laugh “Maybe not baby boy tiny, but little child boy tiny, sure.”

“We’ll save it for him then.” He said, tossing it down into the basket of wet items that needed to be dried. “His first hand-me-down.”

You smiled as his hands dropped to your hips and pulled you closer. “You’re a big softy really, aint you?” you reached up to brush that stubborn strand of hair back of his forehead and he shrugged before he grinned, rocking his pelvis forward.

“I won’t be soft for long.” His head dropped and he nipped at your ear “Let me show you what Husband chore  I’m actually good at.”

[multifandom-girlie]

𝐅𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐞

Imagine: Your parents think your bringing home a boyfriend for Christmas but you don't have one, so you ask someone really nicely to be your fake boyfriend.

Pairings: Human!Klaus x Human!Reader

Warnings: none.

Words: 1895

I was just walking out of Mikaelson Enterprises- where I work as Klaus Mikaelson’s assistant. When I get a call. I look down at the screen and notice an image of my mother pop up. Great. Just what I need after a long day of work. I decided to pick up the phone otherwise she will just hound me.

“Hey Mama. What’s up ?”

“Hello Sweetheart, I just wanted to make sure you were still driving down tomorrow and ask how you are ?”

Crap. I forgot I was meant to be driving home tomorrow.

“Uh yeah, I’m still coming down. Also I’m good, how is everyone ?”

“Good apart from you brother, he got into a fight on his last day of school.”

“Mama, don’t go to hard on him you know he’s having a difficult time at the minute with Dad. I’ll talk to him when I get there.”

“Okay I won’t. Anyway I’m excited to meet this new boyfriend of yours.”

“Uh what are you talking about Mama ?”

“Well you promised you were going to bring your boyfriend home this year so that we could all meet him.”

Shit. When did I say that. Damn my mother for having a good memory at such an old age. What am I going to do ? I could say we broke up….but that would break her heart. Fine. She wants a boyfriend of mine, then she’ll get one.

“Yeah sorry Mama, it must of just flew past me just a moment ago. I’ve had a really long day at work and not much sleep.”

“Are you sure your okay to drive down ?”

“Yeah I'm sure. I gotta go Mama, I love you.”

“I love you, Sweetheart.”

I ended the phone call and stood there debating with myself where to find a boyfriend within the 19 hours before I have to leave. Bearing in mind, I still need to cater to my own needs first like sleep, food and most certainly hygiene. The problem is I can’t just go out on a date and invite him to my parents house. Preferably it needs to be someone that I already know and who doesn't have plans. I’m screwed. I know that everyone I know has plans for christmas. The only person that wasn’t was my boss, but that is in all ways wrong. Even if we have hooked up a couple of times. That’s it, if I promise to sleep with him hopefully he’ll do this for me. God forbid something goes wrong.

I walked back into Mikaelson Enterprises and passed Camille, the receptionist with a big fake smile. She’s hated me ever since she found out I got assistant to Klaus and not her but truthfully it’s because she’s too ditzy and clingy too Klaus, since she has the fattest crush on him but moving on. I got out the elevator, once it reached the top floor where Klaus was. I headed to his door and knocked.

“Come in.”

I opened the door and he looked up from his paperwork with a confused look on his face.

“I thought you’d left Miss Y/L/N.”

“Yeah I did, but my Mom called and reminded me about something. Which is actually why I’m here. Could you please please be my fake boyfriend for the week.”

He looked at me and chuckled. He stood up from his chair and leaned on the front of his desk, just in front of where I was seated.

“Your fake boyfriend for a week ? For what ?”

“Christmas.”

“Where ? Why ?”

“My hometown. Also it’s because my mom thinks I’m bringing home a boyfriend and she’s going to be so disappointed when I don’t bring anyone back.”

“What do I get out of it ?”

“What do you want ?”

“I want to take you out on an actual date afterwards.”

Woah this just went down an unexpected pathway.

“What ? You want to take me out ?”

“Is there a problem with that ?”

“No ! There’s no problem, unexpected is all.”

“Right okay then, I’ll arrive at yours with my belongings tomorrow morning at 9am.”

“Perfect. I’m leaving at 10am.”

I smiled at him and walked out, surprised by what had just happened. Nevertheless, I got home ate my dinner, showered and went to bed.

When I got up the next morning, I brushed my teeth got some coffee and put my bags in the car. Once I was ready I looked at the time, 8:59 am. I heard a knock on the door and thought it as weird that it could be Klaus since it had only just turned 9am. Weirdo. As soon as I opened the door, I led him to my car and drove off just after he had secured himself in.

______________________________________________________________

13 Hours Later

Luckily Klaus was asleep for the most of it, so I just listened to my music and drove. He woke up with around an hour left on the drive, so we actually had a nice normal conversation. As soon as I pulled up outside the house, my mom and dad were stood outside waiting for me. I got out the car and ran to my dad, who has his arms wide open for me. I jumped into his arms and he held me very tightly and kisses my head. I giggled when he spun me around.

“Hi Daddy, I missed you so much.”

“We all missed you so much more sweetheart.”

I pulled away from my dad and pulled my mom in for a tight hug.

“Hi Mama.”

“Welcome home baby ! Now where is he ?!”

“Oh right.”

I ran over to Klaus, grabbed his hand and quickly whispered in his ear.

“Follow my lead okay.”

He nodded and I held his hand and walked over towards them. We stopped in front of them and my mom couldn’t stop smiling, my dad however didn’t look massively impressed.

“Mom, Dad… this is Klaus Mikaelson. My boyfriend.”

“Mikaelson as in Mikael and Esther Mikaelson ?!”

I looked at my dad confused as he said that, how would he know his parents already when me and Klaus weren’t actually dating. I haven’t even met them and they are the owners of the company I work for.

“Uh yes sir.”

“Dad, how’d you know that ?”

“Me and Mikael don’t get along very well that’s all.”

“Right, well it’s Christmas Eve and it’s getting late already Y/N you’ve been driving so long, why don’t you and Klaus go and unpack in your room and then come down and see everyone to drink some hot cocoa and watch films.”

“Okay Mama.”

I took Klaus in and was immediately bombarded by my youngest niece, Skylar.

“Hey Sky, I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too Auntie Y/N, who is this ?”

“Sky, why don’t you give us 5 minutes and then I will come down and tell everyone okay ?”

“Okay Zia.”

I smiled at her, loving the fact she’s started to embrace her Italian side now than pushing it away.

“So that’s why I don’t understand you when your mad sometimes ?”

“What do you mean, Klaus ?”

“I mean, you speak Italian when you get mad.”

“Oh right, yeah I try not to but it’s just natural.”

“So your fluent ?”

“Oh yeah my whole family is, I was actually born in Italy but we moved here when I was 2 for my Dad’s work, since he used to work in the army.”

“That’s quite cool.”

“Thankyou.”

We headed to my room and I started to unpack until I saw him just standing at my door, not doing anything.

“You know you can unpack if you want, I’ll leave you 2 drawers. There’s not much room elsewhere in the house with everyone here. So your gonna have to stay with me.”

“Okay.”

When we finished unpacking, we headed downstairs so I could introduce everyone to Klaus and reunite with my family.

“Hey everybody !”

Everyone turned around with massive grins and I managed to get around and hug everyone.

“Before we go any further, everyone this is my boyfriend Klaus Mikaelson.”

“As in Elijah ?”

What the hell is with my family knowing everyone but him in his family.

“Okay wait, your the second person to mention another one of his family members. Who else knows any Mikaelsons ?”

Three of the eleven-excluding myself and Klaus- raised their hands. My younger sister, my father, my younger brother and my sister’s boyfriend. Eventually, we found out Camilla had slept with his older brother Elijah, my father we already knew had met his parents, Christian used to be friends with Klaus’ younger brother Kol and Blaine used to date Rebekah and while back.

We eventually got over that and sat down as it was late already to watch a film and drink hot cocoa, I felt bad about leaving Klaus isolated from everyone even if Skylar was fussing over him. So I sat next to him on the couch and put a blanket over us before the film started and Skylar relaxed on the other side of me, hugging my side.

Twenty minutes into the film, my nerves from sitting next to Klaus watching films and drinking hot cocoa with my family lessened and I relaxed a bit more. That was until, Klaus put his arm on the back of the sofa and I started to fall asleep-causing me to fall into his side. When my head hit his chest, my eyes opened immediately almost as if they never closed in the first place.

“Sorry, I’m so tired.”

He chuckled and rested his hand on the side of my head bringing it back to his chest.

“It’s fine, it’s what couples do…also you have been driving all day. If you fall asleep, I promise I will take you to bed.”

I looked into his eyes and smiled before I pushed the boundaries I had made in my head and wrapped my arm around his stomach. My fingers brushed against the warm skin on his stomach as his sweatshirt had rode up a bit. I blushed very much and I’m return I felt a chuckled vibrate on my cheeks and Klaus’ hand rest on my hip as my shirt had rode up a little too. I looked up at him and without even taking any thinking time his hand gently but quickly pulled my lips closer to his and pressed them against mine. We made out for a few minutes before pulling away.

“There’s nothing weirder than making out with your boss whilst my 9yr old niece is staring at us.”

We chuckled and looked at her and she immediately averted her eyes.

“I don’t care who’s watching, I’ve wanted to do that for years.”

“Seriously ? Why haven’t you ?”

“I can’t make a spectacle in the workplace.”

“Your such a twat, Thank You for doing this. Your making it hard for me to say no to that date you asked me on. Unless you promise me that is not the last time you kiss me like that because…wow.”

He chuckled and kissed me again. I can quite easily say that I do not regret lying to my mom for once in my life. If it wasn’t for me lying, I wouldn’t have got this opportunity.

MASTERLIST

[garrothromeave]

the hell is mystreet season 6??

(warning, long post ahead)

ok so before i start this

1) ive never posted shiiiit on tumblr before so watch me suffer, im just here to talk about stuff that my friends who dont know anything about aphmau have to listen to me rant about for hours on end

2) i havent seen mystreet in like years (except season 3, i watch that frequently since im laurance and shadow knight deprived) so please bear with me because i might be completely wrong on this lol. it’s just like, pointing out things i remember

3) im sure someones already talked about this but who cares

4) im gonna do this stupid thing where i just explain myself a bit at first, if you dont want to read that just skip to the part where you see “the actual thingy:” in bold and italics 

5) mild disclaimer; i am completely aware that jessica is not a professional writer. i know that she did her best to appeal to her fans, and honestly, respect for that. while this post will come off as aggressive and probably look like hate, that’s not my intention in the slightest. it’s just... intense criticism. im sure y’all probably already know that, but yeah, just stating that anyways. i do believe that jess is doing her best, and in no way do i want to dismiss any hard work she’s done. that being said; prepare for a very strongly opinionated post.

haha watch there be 10000+ typos in this making me look like a complete dumbass

ok here we go 

one of the main reasons i stopped watching aphmau back in 2017 was the mess that was season 4. like, in the first few episodes of the emerald secret, i thought “woah!! this is kinda cool, im a sucker for mystery!” because of course i was, it was something new and something exciting. the only problem i had with it at the time was kim, but that’s just because i always found her annoying and out of place. i just didn’t understand why garroth dragged her along and honestly i still don’t to this day BUT, moving on.

anyways, as the season progressed, 13 year old me was of course just “:0!!” the entire time--that is, up until the reveal of the main villain. i remember watching the episode, seeing the reveal of ein, and then stopping. like, just for a quick break, but i was still just overwhelmingly disappointed. like, and this was the time when pdh was airing and ein just got made alpha (i think?) and i had really really liked eins character in pdh. either way, that really sucked and actually opened my eyes to a lot of things.

one of the main things bein’ the fact that this was supposed to be a slice of life kinda series that decided to take a turn to a more edgy kinda approach. which, i guess i regularly wouldnt mind? but seeing as mcd was kinda bein neglected at the time it just didnt sit right with me. BUT WHATEVER, point is i stopped watching mystreet all together at the end of season 4.

like, a whole year later my brother tells me that shit’s getting intense in season 5 + 6 of mystreet, and my brilliant self decided to give it a shot--but i refused to watch all of season 5, so i only stepped in when ein made an appearance. so whenever that was, that’s where i picked up because i didnt care enough to see 

and y’know--i honestly didn’t hate it at first. in fact, i found it oddly cool. it wasn’t enough to get me into aphmau again, but it was enough to where i was intrigued. i dont know why, but i never watched the finale, so i didnt see the ending until just a few weeks ago--but back then, i thought it was neat. looking back on it however... im just so confused. 

side note: only got back into aphmau this time around because of mcd. mainly because like, i adore the first season and the first half of the second season. and being nearly 18 now, im a lot more appreciative of plot and well-written characters n junk. 

the actual thingy:

ok back on track. imma stop spilling out my story of how i got back into aphmau, and lets just skip to what rewatching mcd made me realize of season 6′s plot and shit:

-emmalyn. how the fuck does ghost even remotely exist? if she’s emmalyn as claimed, then why have we already seen emmalyn in the mystreet universe alive? look i get that creators can do whatever they want with their stories but at the same time please provide some sort of explanation good god. and maybe they did and i just havent seen it, so if there is one--let me know. but until that day imma just sit here confused as fuck

-ok so imma just be real, the whole ‘ultima’ thing is just... not great. in my opinion, anyways. like... i saw someone mention this in another post, but if this ultima stuff was like, a really big deal, why isnt it mentioned in mcd? though i suppose since its a curse of sorts, it could be later on past the time period in which mcd takes place--but even then, how did it manage to make its way into aaron’s family bloodline? 

-WHY IS EVERYONE AT STARLIGHT ITS JUST SO CONVINIENT like what happened to this place being the most expensive shit on the planet or whatever, and how the gang happens to run into like, the werewolf trio and blaze and kai and guy and nate all of these people like god damn life doesnt WORK LIKE THAT 

-im sorry but turning people into relics? thats... thats the best you could come up with? plus, like, how does that even work? in mcd it’s established that relics are separate entitles that choose their wielder, based on a ‘personal’ connection (being a descendent of a previous wielder) or if they’re a good match personality and (i think?) moral wise. so the whole turning-people-into-relics doesnt make much sense to be honest. 

-irene really over here using her god powers to only keep her friends alive like god damn not a great god if you ask me 

-can i talk about how incredibly predictable aphmaus death was? like i just kinda sat there waiting for it to happen and when it did i literally went “haha! wonder when she’ll be revived” because god forbid we actually kill off characters 

-when aphmau + demon warlock fought in the irene dimension there was no passage of time whatsoever in the real world whiiiiiiiiich really bothers me because they fought in there for at least a few minutes

-speaking of aphmau and the demon warlocks fight does it bother anyone else that it had to be aaron who took over the fight?? like we get it hes the big protector blah blah blah but god damn it wouldve been cooler if aphmau had fought this battle as her. aaron fighting this battle was so underwhelming

-...love. like, thats the only thing thats needed to break out of a forever potion? love? LIKE YEAH, GOOD GUYS GOTTA WIN SOMEHOW, but its just so cliche and overdoneeee

-oh yeah and also when travis went bonkers and became the demon warlock or whatever, why’d he only take over katelyn and garroth?? like, zane had been influenced by the potions in the past as well? DONT GET ME WRONG--i do love some good brother edge, but uh, the demon warlock was just bein kinda a dumbass by not possessing zane too just sayin’

-can aaron please go to fucking jail for mass murder now like holy shit, he just got sent home on a fuckin boat. also why did blaze forgive him for killing him thats not even remotely realistic. then again, nothing in mystreet has ever been realistic when it comes to characters and motives and personalities, (cough katelyn being actually abusive and travis being an actual pervert) but yknow whatever

-katelyn and kawaii chan literally added nothing to the plot whatsoever. like lets be real, katelyn lost her personality the moment season 5 started and kawaii chan just kinda sits there :I

-ok im sorry this was bound to come up but cmon guys imagine laurances potential if he was in season 6 like god damn this is beyond maddening. AND YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A REALLY REALLY COOL PARRALLEL?? IF IT WAS LAURANCE WHO SNAPPED GARROTH OUT OF HIS MIND CONTROL THING, because it would mimic laurance’s speech to get garroth to snap out of his rage in season 1, episode 100 of minecraft diaries. like how fuckin rad would that have been? missed opportunity 

-also?? why does kim/ghost know magicks?? like, if i remember correctly, emmalyn is a scholar--not someone who knew magicks. i mean, i guess research? study?? but its been established that knowing how magicks works =/= being able to use magicks. i dunno, just doesnt seem right i guess. maybe its explained, i wouldnt know (yes i know that makes me look like a dick leave me alone)

-melissa should have stayed dead. LIKE, NO, ITS NOT AS SIMPLE AS “haha it takes more than a few bullets to kill me”??? look ive got nothing wrong with melissa (cough lie cough) but yknow it would have just been cool a character... stay dead? for once? its just too fuckin cliche that shes alive god damn

-can i also just say the only good thing that came out of season 6 was travis’ dads sacrifice like damn that made me actually sad

-howww was lucinda turned into a relic. or yknow, anyone else? like im sure they explain it better in the actual show i just dont remember, but its just that easy? turning anyone into a relic? granted, a normal person wouldnt be able to produce a good relic, but idk man. IM JUST SAYING; that the only really powerful relics that aphmau should have been able to wield is the one that aaron + zane produced because shad relic and esmund relic moment. lucinda isnt even like, connected to a divine warrior. ALSO, another point, if its seriously that powerful of a relic getting one from just a magic user like lucinda, why go through the trouble? i mean i guess ofc youd want the “all powerful” one that the ultima produces but i mean damn whats the point

-ok this is just going to bother me but in one of the episodes (i think might have been in season 5 actually) where that like, guardian dude was chasing aphmau and zane and at one point they split up and the dude just chuckles at zane diverting paths and goes under his breath “youre not the important one here”, suggesting that aphmau somehow is? first of all, id argue that any ro’meave is significantly more important than aphmau was, especially not knowing much about her other than that shes with aaron. i might be missing some bits an pieces, but if i was that dude id forget about aphmau and go after zane 

-killing off derek for shock factor sucked, and i know the moment was supposed to be really sad because like “oh :( aarons dad is sacrificing himself for his son” but lets be real dereks still was a shitty father and i dont think his reasons for doing what he did was very good at all

-less about plot or more like: why the absolute fuck did the gang bring kim along instead of, oh i dont know, a life-long friend? like, laurance or dante maybe?? im sure its explained, i never saw aphmaus year or most of season 5, but god DAMN id hate to be apart of this friend group AND GOD LIKE, imagine reconnecting with an old friend who ends up getting closer to your best friends and taking priority in their lives over you (cough laurance) like god damn lol

-im just going to preface this one with: i dont remember everything that’s happened, so if im wrong i apologize in advance--but (you actually can correct me if im wrong and please do) didnt like, irene reincarnate her friends in order to give them better lives? I DONT KNOW IF THIS IS TRUE, ITS JUST WHAT I REMEMBER--however, if im correct, then:

a. why the hell would she bring back someone like zane, or gene, or ivy, etc.

b. why the hell do they all have the same exact names? first and last? again, im aware that the whole mystreet+mcd tie wasn’t originally supposed to be there, but i dont think that means such a coincidence can be excused? its just a bit much if you ask me.

c. why the hell is the fact that (as much as i literally hate this) aaron is a decedent of shad being ignored? like, you’d think that something like this would be something thats actually important, or something the demon warlock couldve taken advantage of. or are we completely erasing every other connections to divine warriors besides aphmau + irene? because even if irene did reincarnate them or do whatever it is she did, does she even have the power to sever the connections between them and their ancestors? my guess is, no.

d. speaking of irene why on earth was aphmau able to talk to/see irene, they’re literally the same person are they not? did she like, fuckin reincarnate herself without actually doing it?? BUT--i will give it to them, the demon warlock did refer to aphmau as something along the lines of being “one of the 3 parts of her broken soul” or something like that. however, my point still remains. also what are the other two did i miss that or is it never explained

now; if irene in fact did not ‘reincarnate’ her friends then please ignore that little bit right there :)

but yes, those are a few of the problems i have with season 6 off the top of my head. i would go into like, season 4 and 5 more as well, but i honestly didnt feel like it. at some point i might go into other things, like how important laurance could have been to the plot of these later seasons, or HELL, even dante. i might also go into what could have made season 4, 5, and 6 actually good--maybe... a rewrite? perhaps? but im getting too far ahead of myself, so i just leave you with this for now.

and i know that as soon as i post this 15 more things are just going to pop into my head BUT im going to try and not edit this post because why stress myself with that even more

anyways thank you for coming to my tedtalk 

[fckwritersblock]

Act 1: While We’re Young

Chapter 5

Erik ‘Killmonger’ Stevens x Black OC

(Unedited.)

Tuesday

January 10th 2005

Last night was the only night I'm allowing myself to cry over him and his 'return'. What good would it do me? No, I was gonna take Erik and whatever he had to throw at me by storm.

Waking up the next day, I feel refreshed. Like a brand new person with a more positive mindset. Today I had 3 classes and I'm determined to have a good Erik free day.

That whole Erik free thing went out the window as soon as I got to my first class.

Double O Computer Programming 1 was a junior class, however I'd taken it during the summer during my first year at UC Berkeley. DOCP 2 wouldn't be available until next semester but I needed to have a class since this was my first year on the actual campus. Thankfully Miss Hill really needed a T.A and the fact that I could help with an algorithm that tied into thermal nuclear astrophysics had her sold.

Right after I finished taking attendance, she barely got a word out before the door swung open revealing Erik as our late comer. I quickly glanced at the sheet in front of me, scanning for his name. I was so use to calling him N’dajaka when we were kids, I completely skipped over ‘Erik Stevens’. I huffed rolling my eyes, arms crossed over my chest. His timbs were the only thing heard shuffling across the room making hid way toward the front of the class. Wordlessly he handed Miss Hill before his eyes were on me. They scanned me from top to bottom, before locking with me a smug grin on his lips.

"Hey Lona," my jaw dropped.

Before I could get out a word, Miss Hill opened her mouth, looking up from the paper he handed her.

"Welcome Erik, sorry for the confusion."

"It's all good," he shrugged.

"Im Miss Hill, and I see you already know my aid. As I explained to the class prior to taking attendance, If I'm unavailable feel free to email or call her during the hours listed on the sheet." She is then took a sheet from me and handed him to me. "Other than that, find a seat."

He nodded pretending look over the sheet before averting his gaze back on me.

"I'm definitely gon do that."

Fuck my life right?

Well, Erik just so happened to be in the Calculus class I skipped two days ago. I thank God my record was squeaky clean and Mr. Kennedy accepted my poor excuse before I was quickly reminded the man upstairs has a sense of humor as the only available seat was next to Erik.

"The person next to you will be your partner for the remainder of the semester so let's take the next 15 minutes getting know one another hmm?." Mr. Kennedy instructed.

I couldn't suppress the groan that slipped as Erik casually leaned back in his chair, examining me.

"You heard the man, get to know me."

"I know all I need this know about you Erik."

"Oh so I'm Erik now? Like that?" He spoke cool, calm, and collected like our exchanged was normal.

I gripped my pencils tight, my knee bouncing up and down my body tense.

"Let me set things straight now. We don't need to talk to one another. If it doesn't have anything to do with any of the classes we take together, don't want to hear it. When you see me act like you don't know me. We clear?"

The expression on his face was unreadable before his lip twitched slight him responding.

"Crystal."

Wednesday

January 24th, 2005

It had been two weeks since Erik showed up here.

Ok that's a lie.

Apparently this man has been here. And to top it off, this mans name was in every bitch mouth like the second coming of Jesus Christ. From what I've observed though, he doesn't say much, or gives any of these broads much attention. He don't say much in general actually, he's really good at blending in. He got that laid back, mysterious, bad boy vibe going for him and these females out here hella into that.

But when he opens his mouth, that cocky bastard sure knows how to disrupt my entire soul at least while we're in class.

Outside of class though, he acts like I'm invisible.

It was like he never knew me. And honestly, I don't know how to feel about it. I know that's what I said I wanted but it bothers me just the same.

Today in particular though, he argued me down during our Calculus class. We had one problem to figure out before we could leave class today. You and your partner were supposed agree on the answer, and heaven forbid he just agree with me so we can get out of here. Math was always my subject when we were kids, nothing has changed. I was damn near about to say fuck it when he started laughing.

What in the entire fuck it so funny?" I was fuming.

"You," he shook his head. "You really hella mad."

"Um, YES!" I damn near shouted fed up. "You literally been tryna convince me it's 5 when it's-"

"Chill. I know the answer is 3 girl. C'mon, let's go." So smoothly he closed the book, grabbed his bag and headed to the front.

I was so upset, I had to let him do all the talking when it came to explain to the teacher I'll answer and how we got there. I know I open my mouth I wasn't going to say anything nice.

"Girl what crawled up your ass and died?" Donise questioned with a stank look as we sat at one of the benches outside of the library.

"Yeah What did Erik do now," I could hear teasing in Tatiana's tone so I flipped her off.

Only giving a brief explanation, I went on a mini rant about what happened in class 20 minutes ago. Donise's thought it was funny, while Tati just shook her head.

"I still can't believe it him," Tatianna glanced as a group of guys from across the quad headed our way, Erik included.

"Yes, and I wish it wasn't."

Tatianna was the first real friend I made in a while. I was actually tutoring her online for a while before she found out I was 4 years younger than her. Our friendship started off as a trade. I was her tutor and she both convinced and enrolled in a mentor program to help me with my social skills. I didn't speak to anyone much when Erik left, but I got into a lot of fights. According to the school counselor I was taking out my anger and abandonment issues on.I have meds to tame the anger, and while I haven't had to take them in a while Eric definitely bring that anger out of me.

"Girl that's just sexual tension. You got to fuck all that out." Ashley put in her unwanted two cents.

"Trust me when I tell you on God it isn't."

"Well if you out to holla, then trust and believe I will." She tossed her hair over her shoulder

I didn't really mess with Ashley like that, but she was Tati's frat sister which made them 'friends'. That little thot pocket will screw anything with legs, D, and a pulse and I'm not bout that life. Plus she messy as fuck and I don't trust her as far as I can throw her.

"I don't doubt it," I smirked as Donise said exactly what I was thinking.

Donise was coo' though, I meet her when I first got here 2 months ago. Believe It or not she was apart of the welcome comity for MIT and turned out her and Tatiana were already friends. Once she figured out  who I was, I was shot to the front line during registration and everything.

"Anyways, y'all going Ant and them party tomorrow?" Ashley questioned probably tryna bum a ride.

"What party?"

"The Que's," Donise answered. "The dudes with Erik are frat."

Now this was news to me. I met most of them before but I had no idea there were in a sorority. Examining them, I guess it all made sense. Most in the clique sported some sort of purple and yellow lanyard either around their neck or on their keychain that hung from their jean pocket as if  they wanted everybody to know who they were. Which I wouldn't doubt.

"Ladies! What we chattin about?" Moses questions every bit of his thick English accent tapering off every word.

"Our plans for mañana," Tati answered l

"Word. Y'all coming to the party tomorrow?" Jay spoke playing with a few strands of Donise's curls.

"Tomorrow? It's Thursday." I said confused. "Ain't there class the next day?"

"What's the matter, you can't hang?" I glared at Jay, knowing he was only chastising me because him and Erik were close, according to Tati.

I swear to God men gossip more than women do. Rolling my eyes I spared Erik a glance and he looked like he was waiting on me to respond.

"Oh, I can definitely hang."

I couldn't hang.

Around midnight I was  in the bathroom throwing up everything, damn near hug in the toilet as my surrounding looks so blurry and I can barely function. Im not sure when I'd finally finished, but I could feel someone picks me up and out the bathroom and soon everything goes blurry and then black.

Tag list: @kitesatforestp @xsweetdellzx @justgetitoverwith0 @letsshamelessqueen-m @cmkcolove @readingaddict1290

[19thcenturyedgelord]

TW: Transphobia, Homophobia, abuse, neglect, p3dophilia, s3xual assault, su!cide, alcohol

~Vent~

My mother is constantly saying that they is only two gender and is always dead naming me, the one time I get her to say my preferred name she rolls her eyes and scoffs as she says it.

My mother has told me my whole life that she owns me and that I don't get to make any decisions for myself, she was dressing me until I was disowned at 14.

My mother would threaten to k!ll herself is I ever did something she didn't like, this includes: having a panic attack, dealing with over stimulation, trying to dress myself, telling her to stop walking in on me while I was showering/changing, going to bed early, going to bed late, saying I was hungry, asking to be allowed to go outside, wearing my headphones, not being strictly christian/not eating kosher, ect.

My mother got rid of my pet hermit crabs without telling me and was constantly trying to release my turtles even though they would die in the wild and they were being taken care of very well with a large, clean tank and plenty of food and hiding places, a special light that was good for their shell, and a great water to land ratio.

My mother slut shamed me because I was wearing shorts that went above my knees (they were perfectly appropriate btw).

My mother would scream at me for hours if I got anything less than a 100% on a test and even if I did get a 100% she would ask me why I didn't get any extra credit even if there was none available and even if I'd did get extra credit she would ask why I didn't get MORE extra credit.

While I lived with my mother I had a diet of nothing but microwave meals and chips and chips because she spent all of her money on vape, cigarettes, and alcohol. I would constantly be near unconsciousness due to my low blood sugar because I had nothing to eat.

She has slapped me across the face multiple times, one time with sharp plastic that cut my chin, she did this as a punishment. One time she slapped me because my blood sugar was low and I was grumpy, this is how it went down:

Me: Hey I know you wanna talk right now but can I make some food first my blood sugar is low this should take me 20 minutes max"

Her: No, I'm you mother and your going to talk to me right now

Me: Can I please just get something to eat

Her: *yells at me wich causes me to get distracted*

Me: *spills uncooked mac&cheese because distracted*

Her: *yells at me then slaps me across the face*

My mother nearly beat me to unconsciousness because she was very drunk, I had bruises all over me the next morning but I was to afraid to say anything because I new she would scream at me and hurt me more.

She molested me daily, forced me to change in front of her, forcefully spooned me in bed for hours even after I said no, and would "playfully" spank me.

She was constantly talking about how sexy a 17 year old at her work was and even bought him vape. She would also talk about some of my friends like that and even tried to internet stalk two of them, we are all minors.

She would lock the door to the apartment and wouldn't give me a key and would force me to wait outside in knee deep snow for hours without any warm clothing because she stole it all. She also refused to drive me to school in -8 degree (f) weather because she didn't want to loose her parking spot. I was also forced to bike to and from band practice (with she forced me to to do because she wanted to live through me) in 30 degree (f) with heavy rain because she didn't want to loose her parking spot.

She would consistently make fun of me for reading or doing anything that I enjoyed because I was a "nerd" and a "looser"

She disowned me after she stole my phone, went through it and found out I was a lesbian.

I couldn't even go into my yard without telling her where I was going, if I didn't tell her I would be screamed at and not allowed out my room, for a day and then not allowed out of the house for two more weeks.

She routinely went through my phone and my belongings without my permission, knowledge, or consent, in case I had anything "suspicious".

I tried moving in with my dad and she sued him.

She stole my most prized pokemon cards, a bag, most of my clothes, all of my old toys, and over $200 from my in the span of two weeks.

My room didn't have a door and she positioned herself so that she had to go through my room to get anywhere else in the house.

She would frequently lock the bathroom door so that it was only accessable from her room.

I told her I like pop music and she called me a failure then continued to play her extremely s3xual, vulgar, music about dr*gs, alcohol, and r@pe.

From the time I was 8 she tried to force me to drink alcohol because its "cool"

She forcefully pushed me against a wall because I refused to give her a hug after she made an offensive joke and I called her out for it.

She screamed at me because I corrected her after she misgendered me.

I had to learn morse code just so I could speak to my friends without her knowing what I was saying.

When I started counseling because I wanted to k!ll myself and because I was having upwards and 15-25 panic attacks per day, she forced me to tell her everything that happened in counseling even if I didn't want to.

She always gangs up on me in fights but if I try to get back up she just yells at me more.

She refused to take me to the hospital when I had a concussion and forced me to go to school all week even though I could barely stand or speak and now I have verbal and motor tics which she makes fun of.

She would scream at me because I sit down in the shower even though I have arthritis. (Yes I have arthritis at 15, it runs in the family and before to long I might develop psoriasis, I have shitty genes)

I wasn't allowed to wear anything that revealed my shoulders, that was low cut, shower any part of my stomach or back, short that went above my knees, ect.

I wasn't allowed to get my hair cut below my chin because it " wasn't feminine enough"

I wasn't allowed to have anything that was "for boys" this included clothes, toys, books, stickers, blankets, posters, movies, ect.

She forced me to watch R rated movies with her even if I didn't feel comfortable watching them.

I wasn't allowed to have any friends over and I wasn't allowed to go to any friends house, the one time I did have friends over she judged all of them and tried me to stop hanging out with them after they left. My friends are all very good people and are the only reason I'm still alive rn, she was just mad that I was talking to people who weren't her.

She screamed at she because I got one (1) drop of dark green ink on her black coffee table that she got for free.

I wasn't allowed to draw any male characters because she was afraid I would get off to them or something idk (this was before I was forcefully outed)

She bought me a triple chocolate cake for my birthday once. I'm allergic to chocolate. She forgot my birthday the next year.

Anytime I would tell her about the terrible bullying that was going on she would tell me to get over it, even after I had been thrown to the ground and strangled by one of my classmates.

If I got into a new game or hobby she would either take it away or shame me for playing it.

She spent all day on the computer playing Sims 3 to the point where I had to feed myself, take care of myself, and play by myself as young as 5.

She screamed at me because while talking about Pokemon lore I mentioned how Arceus is the god of the Pokemon world and she said I shouldn't say that because it would "make god mad" ( I have nothing against christians or christianity btw, just the people who shove it down your throat like she does)

I wasn't allowed to eat or drink the last of anything (finishing a bag of chips, taking the last soda, ect.) If I did she would scream at me and slap me as punishment.

She threatened to forbid me form seeing my cousin (who for the first 11 years of my life was my only friend) if I ever "talked back" to her.

She wod frequently strangle me as a form of "tough love".

When I was 2 she tried to teach me how to swim by holding me under water over and over again, drowning is now one of my greatest fears. Luckily I did learn to swim with the help of cousin and granny and even enjoy swimming but it is hard for me to do things like wash my face in the shower or stay under water for more than a few seconds without panicking.

She never taught me how to cook but then would scream at me because I didn't know how to cook.

Her smoking inside and while driving has caused me to have some lung issues, she denies that she ever smoked near me.

She tried to take me away frome everyone in my life including my family and friends so that I could only spend time with her.

When I was in fifth grade she homeschooled me and forced me to do college lever reading, learn how to code, learn at least two other languages that weren't english, learn how to play guitar, do gymnastics, do jujitsu (japanese), do soccer, learn to sing (keep I mind I had no interest in music, but she did), do a digital homeschooling program set at a highschool level, and learn a bunch of useless skills like knot tying and making friendship bracelets because it was "feminine". This was in FIFTH FUCKING GRADE.

We didn't have a washer or dryer and she would never go to to town to get laundry done so I never had clean clothes.

If I had more that $10 I had to give the rest to her.

She tried to kidnap me once.

One time on accident I stood in a bull ant hill and got stung all over (if you don't know ants all sting at once), I was swollen all over and screaming in pain and she did nothing, not even give me ice or ointment, she just told me to be more careful.

[pinkgrapefruitpills]

Has anyone else noticed some weird things going on within conversation about discrimination and related issues in education?

They seem to only want to talk about black people. And since I know people on the internet love to misconstrue things, no I’m not saying that discussing racism is a bad thing. I think it’s a wonderful thing and I’m glad that it’s finally getting the attention it deserves in educational settings. But why is that the only discrimination issue we’re talking about? It just makes it seem like people don’t actually care about these issues, they’re just doing what’s popular in order to make themselves feel like they’re a good person. It’s all about their ego.

I took a class on civil rights in the US. 90% of the semester was devoted to racism against black people. It was great to learn about all these things, but this wasn’t an African American history class, it was supposed to be about all civil rights. So it was 90% about anti-black racism, then we spent about 2 classes discussing other forms of racism and religious persecution, about 2 classes on women’s rights, and a whole 5 minutes on LGBT rights. My prof didn’t even know the difference between being homosexual or bisexual and being transgender.

I also took a class on the ethics and morals of social issues. Again, 90% of it was devoted to anti-black racism. I learned a lot and it was great, but that’s not the only issue in the world and the class was supposed to cover all sorts of issues. We spent 2 months on racism, a week on misogyny, 1 day on transphobia, and a whopping 2 minutes on homophobia. 

In another one of my classes, we were discussing the government’s response to the AIDS crisis. My prof went on and on about how it affected racial minorities and poor communities - while true and important to know, she literally did not utter the word “gay” or “homosexual” or anything of the sort. Why? Because it’s not trendy.

One of my profs, in a class that has literally nothing to do with politics or social issues, makes side comments calling out racism or Trump or whatever every class. Cool, I don’t care. And then 5 minutes later will make fun of prostitutes or gay people. 

And it just really fucks with me. For one, it’s so blatantly obvious that they’re only talking about issues that are popular and will boost their ego. In higher education, it’s cool for profs to be anti-racist, but god forbid they be a feminist or advocate for gay rights. 

A lot of people who read this are probably fairly well versed in the history of women’s and gay rights, so while it may feel like those things are well known, they’re really not. Ask your parents if they know what happened at Stonewall. Mine didn’t even know, so I highly doubt many 15-25 year olds know these things. Hell, I’m gay and I didn’t even know that it was illegal for 2 men to have sex until 2003, and 14 states still have their own sodomy laws in effect. I didn’t know suffragettes were beaten and tortured in the streets. I didn’t know how many women had their life’s work stolen from them and then had men take all the credit for it. I didn’t know that the gay panic law exists. I didn’t know how bad the AIDS crisis was. And I could go on and on but you get my point - I never learned any of these things in school, I had to seek all of this information out myself, and even then it’s not particularly easy to find. 

And I absolutely do believe that learning about these things would change some people’s minds. The people who need to hear these things (mainly those who think discrimination isn’t a big deal) are not going to seek the information out themselves. It needs to be taught in schools. And it’s not forcing anything on them, it’s just telling the honest truth. 

I’ll say it again because some if you bitches have zero reading comprehension skills and are just looking for something to be mad at and cry about: I am extremely glad that black issues are finally being openly discussed in schools. I remember being taught a very white-centric version of history in elementary, middle, and high school so it’s great to see the reality of racism being taught. But it really seems like these profs and other faculty members don’t actually give a shit about social issues since they blatantly only talk about the popular issues and conveniently ignore anything that won’t get them any woke points. You can literally see them look toward the black students for validation whenever they make comments vilifying racism. Vilifying racism? Good for you. Pretending to vilify racism to get people to think you’re special and cool? Fuck you. 

[bangtanblurbs]

young forever

song: young forever by BTS

first experience: strangely enough i have a very visceral memory of when forever young dropped. it was during finals week of my final year in undergrad. the song released on a sunday in the wee hours (or perhaps a monday? - days tend to run together during finals week). i didn’t have many assignments due that year since my course load was light and i was really just coasting into grad school the year afterwards (at the same institution i attend for undergrad). i remember logging onto youtube and catching the video as it premiered. i was stunned. HYYH pt. 1 and HYYH pt. 2 were heavenly to me, so of course young forever was greatly anticipated for me - the aesthetics, continuation of the story, and also simply getting new bangtan music. the cotton candy color pallet loaded onto my phone screen, and RM’s beautiful voice can through my earphones... i was immediately in love. 

every member looked completely stunning. the message i got from the video was... incredibly powerful. the maze. the lyrics. all of it resonated with me, a young woman -- 22 years old -- soon to turn another corner in life. i sat in my dorm room preparing for a busy week, as i was the RA in my dormitory and needed to help my students move out that week... as i prepared for my graduation and transition into my next step in life... i was also shipping out to macau, china for the summer in a few weeks so i geared up for that. this video dropping was almost a breath of fresh air from everything going on. i was able to really sit and enjoy it, but also reflect on my past, present, and the future to come. 

feelings: well, i have quite a lot. as someone who has been chronically obsessed with the story of peter pan since age seven, i’d say that youth is something i value - perhaps a bit too much. what’s interesting though is young forever isn’t necessarily about youth in the rawest sense... it’s also about dreams, reaching the point in your life where you’re happy, with yourself, your circumstances, ultimately your place in life. which i suppose most people equate that with youth, the innocence and naivety of it all. for me, thinking about forever young is kind of about that anxiety we carry as we get younger - have a made good use of my youth? did i squander it, getting caught up in the day to day or bogged down by my demons? the worry that our youth is our prime and when it’s gone, where do we go next? retire? it’s kind of funny thinking about this now as I’m 27 instead of 22. do i feel any older? no, not really - i feel the same. the same energy, the same zeal for life. do i look back on the days when i was younger and think that my youth is gone? no. for me - youth - it’s a state of mind. it’s an ethos, a way of proceeding forwards in my life. i didn’t always think this way - perhaps that was wrapped up in my anxiety about getting older. i used to lament my birthday each passing year - god turning 23 felt the absolute worst for some reason. it’s funny now though - how i almost feel younger, lighter, now than i did. youth should be a feeling of unburdened peace right? ideally it would seem so - but the reality in our world today... youth is pain. youth is struggling. youth is stumbling through the dark and trying to figure out who the hell you are, who the hell you want to be. i still feel like i’m stuck in that place, that place of wonder - of reaching out, exploring, experiencing... i feel as naïve as ever despite the pain that courses through some of my life. 

so back to young forever - how does the song make me feel? it makes me feel at home. at peace. forever we can carry our youth, forever we can approach our lives with childish curiosity, with the energy to follow our dreams, with a dedication to our passion, and an and endless realization that change is the only constant in our lives. despite the ups and downs that might come with living with this mindset - i wouldn’t want to live any other way. what’s the point of continuing to grind hard every day in the cruel systems our society has built if we can’t at least say we did it with voracious appetite to experience fully our surroundings, emotions, and imaginations?

personal connection: it’s rather hard for me to nail down all of my personal connections to young forever. as i mentioned, i have a really strong connection to the story of peter pan. i’ll briefly explain why and how that plays in here - but i must warn you... if you’re uncomfortable with strangers oversharing on the internet, perhaps this isn’t the blog for you to read. i’m quite comfortable bearing my soul to people i don’t know. for some reason vulnerability has never been something i’ve struggled with - perhaps it’s the naivety i love about myself. anyways... here we go.

when i was 17 my best friend passed away from cancer. it was relatively quick. just a summer we spent together gossiping in a hospital room, machines beeping while we tried our very best just to giggle about boys and lament our torturous IB courses. i’d known her nearly my whole life. meeting in second grade - and bonding quickly over a love for the whimsy of peter pan’s story. we’d gush on the playground about flying away to neverland - where we could do whatever we wanted. explore, sing, fly. but she was gone then. gone far too soon. frozen in a youthful state in my mind. her passing is still the hardest thing i’ve ever been through in my life, and i’ve been through some scary shit. immediately when i hard young forever i thought about her. i thought about how she lived. she was fearless. the bravest and strongest person i ever knew, and still to this day, have ever known. knowing her - experiencing her soul - it changed me. once she passed away i had to be strong, my classmates looked to me as their rock, my parents forbid me to cry, everyone pushed me into adulthood way too quickly. i was just a seventeen year old girl. i was having a crisis - i wanted nothing more than to speak to my best friend as i navigated choosing my next steps after high school. but she wasn’t there, and i wasn’t allowed to feel. i was terrified. my youth was gone. nothing seemed fun anymore. youth became pain as i looked around at my peers who were back to normal in a matter of weeks. giggling with one another, moving along with life. i became a robot. quickly i threw myself into school work. i was already a high achieving student but i climbed higher. i worked harder. i had decided that for the life she couldn’t live, i would live it for her. i’d go to the best college i could, i’d do all the things i never dreamed i could. i’d do it for her. but i wasn’t living. i had let my youth go. i was fading away. just a shell. 

it’s funny. or perhaps it’s not. young forever is a comfort song. a comfort song with some incredible darkness in it. the anxiety in namjoon’s verse, yoongi’s speaking to hiding feelings - pushing forward despite what he carries, hoseok’s verse about letting himself go and just giving what he has to keep pushing. their words - that’s how i felt. the song dropped around four years after my friend’s passing. i needed it before then. although perhaps it wouldn’t have “saved me” because music doesn’t save, music gives us the strength and comfort we need to save ourselves (i’m not a fan of taking way my own agency in MY story), it might have offered me a light in an increasingly blurry world. 

a year prior to the song’s release i’d spent a summer in china. my life changed there. i lived with seven incredibly bright middle school girls. that experience, i never thought it would start to heal me the way it did. they were under immense pressure (the education system in china is total bullshit)... and they told me “caroline, youth is pain. it’s not beautiful. it’s a period where we struggle the most.” i’d never heard this. the typical western perspective is that youth is “the most beautiful part of life” - it’s where you fall in love, it’s where you get hurt and you pick yourself up, it’s where you find yourself, you feel invincible. but that’s just it - it’s also where you can get incredibly lost (like the maze in the video). not all of us experience youth without pain. this perspective helped me to heal. i wasn’t so alone - i wasn’t squandering my youth, sure - i was treading water - but that was okay. i could cry. i could feel. and so, at this point i began to write my own story again. rather than living for someone else, i decided to throw the book out the window, to pick myself and run like hell towards what i wanted. to accept the freefall of life. that’s youth. that’s the most beautiful part of life. the part where you free yourself from whatever chains society has on you. youth is only associated with being a child because that who should be the most free. when truly youth, youth is that period in your life when you learn to live for yourself, your dreams. dream, hope, keep going. don’t fucking stop.

so this brings us to 2016. i was weeks away from a new journey abroad when young forever dropped. i was doing better. life felt lighter. i still had a long way to go, but some things i’d gotten right. i gained confidence, i navigated my interpersonal relationships with more poise. etc etc. going to china the second time, it changed me more. i did things on my own i’d never dreamed of doing. crossing multiple national borders, making friends with people i couldn’t communicate with. i opened my heart to it all. and i fell in love with myself. for the first time. i fell in love with how completely i embraced my freedom and coupled it with my drive, my passions. that is what young forever is about. it’s about the struggle but the continued commitment to the state of mind that once you’re free - once you embraced that childlike state of being - you can achieve so much happiness. 

which brings us to now - how do i connect to the song now? much in the same way that i did before. carrying these emotions connected to this song so deeply into adulthood has been incredibly touching. i’ve matured with bangtan. from 2015 to now. i’ve only grown in how i embrace my youth. sure, i have to conform at times, play the adult, but the motto “dream, hope, keep going.” that’s what i live by. nothing can change that for me now. i’m still fucking lost, but i’m running like hell. i have my setbacks, my demons, my challenges, but i’ve never been so fucking free. that’s young forever for me. thank you for reading my story. 

song breakdown:

musically: something i truly love about young forever is that it’s really atypical in how it flows musically and the entire structure of the song. it’s creativity run wild - it’s a story and build. and i love that. it starts off slow, soft, with a sweet sadness. the highlight isn’t the backing track, it’s the honey rap voices. it’s absolutely perfect. understated and building. with each new voice that comes in the beat speeds up. it’s like running. which is fitting. because the story in the song is that of bangtan. the lyrics say it, the boys are worried - worried about how well they’ve done, when they’ll stop gaining success, concerned that all of this life will end, wondering who they are in this - the performance the journey. they are quite literally running towards their dreams. we see this in the song lyrically. 

once the chorus comes, we need an increased speed in the beat and the song picks up with the chanting of the mantra. “forever, we are young.” us together, bangtan and ARMY. the song fades into the beautiful clapping beat, the refrains of dream, hope, keep going. musically the song is beautifully understated in a way that can only draw out the listeners’ emotions and highlight the charged encouraging lyrics. the story here is clear and only more illuminated by the musical choices. 

vocally: young forever is such a treat. it’s a rap heavy song, but not in a way that takes away from the beautiful second half of the song which is full of beautiful vocal line refrains and ad libs. it’s a chant song. a comfort song. and perhaps that’s why it’s stuck with me for all these years as one of my ultimate favorite BTS songs. 

when the song begins we are greet by namjoon’s beautiful low rap register. he delivers the rap melodically slow. you can appreciate the way his voice carries emotion and the tempo of the beginning story, of the emotional journey the song embarks upon. following namjoon’s beautiful voice is yoongi. who assumes a slower rap style initially. he has a few parts where he treats us to shout rapping as well - which give us kind of a pleading emotion - we can hear his lament for the pressure placed upon him as he stands in the spotlight. finally, rapline is rounded out by hoseok - i’m gonna say it - this is one of hoseok’s best slow verses. he offers his usual spicy tone, giving the trap style endings to each line. the emotion hits it’s peak with the punch tones and hoseok’s strong committment to his lines expressing his desires, his drive. 

the second half of the song is dominated by the beautiful tones of vocal line. taehyung leads us into the chorus with his beautiful deep register, followed by jungkook’s high tones. the juxtaposition of their voices coupled by jin and backed by jimin’s beautiful melodies is absolutely stunning. rapline takes turns coming in with the refrain “dream, hope, keep going.” all of this mixed together is simply stunning. it’s like hope in vocal form. we have the low and the highs, the singing voices and the speaking refrains. most devastatingly is jimin’s forever ever ever - piercing the background of the song. highlighting the longing - the conviction - to youth - the spirit of it, the beauty of it. the chant portion of the song is also what makes this song so devastating to hear live. everyone comes in, blends together and makes the message resonate completely. 

lyrically: here. we. go. a DEEP DIVE. i think firstly, it’s important to start with the fact that we have a song, young forever, that was released as the epilogue to two devastating HYYH albums. HYYH was the epitome of youth themed albums. it encapsulated everything we associate typically with youth. love songs, songs about pain, songs about healing, songs about not being enough, songs about our dreams, songs about being lonely... it’s all there. both the beauty of youth and the beautiful pain of youth dominate HYYH pt. 1 and HYYH pt. 2. then, those messages, those themes, were sealed with epilogue: young forever. why? well, my feeling is this is bangtan’s way of leaving us with the reality that youth isn’t something that’s fleeting. it’s not an age or state in time. it’s something we carry within. it’s how we approach the things we confront in our lives, how we live and move forward through adversity towards our passions and dreams. 

now - with that out of the way it’s time to dissect some lyrics. there’s quite a lot here in the three rap verses so i truly hope to do them justice. 

namjoon’s verse starts like a story, “the curtain falls” the end of a performance, often used as metaphor for the end of a certain point in one’s life. “the curtain falls and i’m out of breath / i get mixed feelings as i breathe out” clearly the chapter that’s closing for him has been an exhausting one, but he’s not sure about moving forward even though now he has the time to finally reflect and see what he wants next. to me, this speaks directly to where bangtan was at this point in their career. they’d been through the bullshit - the trainee days, the ridicule, the exclusion from the typical korean music system... they’d made it. I NEED U had one awards, RUN did as well, 2016 bangtan had begun to see the fruit of their labor pay off - but with that, what’s next. where do they climb next? what’s to come? there’s that feeling of unease for namjoon. “did I make any mistakes today? / how did the audience seem?” are the next lines, bringing in that sense of reflection. even though now he can breathe - he worries, what’s his impact, how do people feel about what he’s given them, did he have shortcomings? these thoughts flood in and set the mood for the next steps forward. these questions only become more as the pressure continues. the next and final three lines of namjoon’s verse group well together and offer us much more hope that the foreboding in the start of the verse: “i’m happy with who i’ve become / that i can make someone scream with joy / still excited from the performance.” the peace in these final lines, it’s kind of like the rest of the song - starting with the hardship, the unease, what must or has been overcome - mellowing out to realization that things will keep going on. namjoon is at peace with where is at the end of this chapter, he is glad he can stand on this stage bringing smiles to faces, and finally - the buzz of just being able to do music, that remains with him through all of the constant pressure. something about these lines, they’re beautiful.

just like that, yoongi’s verse begins. he provides the same metaphor to the listener. he is standing on an empty stage. the performance is over. the chapter is closing. HYYH is becoming the past for BTS. the struggles, will they be over too as they move forward with their progressing careers? “i stand on the empty stage while holding onto an aftertaste that will not linger for long” he begins - he knows that the high of this moment, the place they’ve reached in this time... it can’t be forever, the emotions of it all are beginning to fade into something else. he then moves on to offer some more insight into how he feels about that unknown of moving on: “while standing on this empty stage, i become afraid of this unpleasant emptiness.” this line seems telling to me - yoongi is someone that gets a lot from recognition, achievement, sharing his works with others. leaving the stage, moving away from this performance moment... it’s hard on him... he feels empty, his moment, his purpose - they’re over... at least for now. the anxiety seeps in. “within my suffocating feelings / on top of my life’s line” he starts to try and explain deeper his emotions, suffocation, a feeling of panic, likely anxiety or pressure induced. what’s next? will it demand more? he’s on top of his life’s line - he feels like he’s reaching his peak, not knowing where to go next, plateau? down? yoongi then lodges into almost a picture perfect description of what society can make us do in moments of pressure where we are feeling anxiety or panic - “without a reason, i forcibly act that i am fine / this isn’t the first time, i better get used to it” he’s going to put on a strong face, suppress how he really feels because at some point there could be another audience, he remains on the stage even if the curtains have closed. he forces himself to do so, and it’s a habitual thing for him. it sounds like truly this is habitual for yoongi - really needing to mask his fear, his panic, his anxiety for the sake of those watching. it tears me up, because it seems like he also knows that this will continue in his future. and the he realizes that keeping the mask on, it’s not something he’s able to do or perhaps interested in doing “i try to hide it, but i can’t.” the final lines of his verse leave us with some unease - they’re unclear - but perhaps they’re speaking to the fact that performing won’t be his forever... “when the heat of the show cools down / i leave the empty seats behind,” so at some point -- the excitement, the hype, it will be gone... those who want to see him, they’ll be gone too, and he’ll move on to what is next. or perhaps this could allude to the fact that the pressure of those watching goes away and he will finally feel comfortable? there’s a lot here. a lot left up and open.

and finally we round out rapline with hoseok’s verse - which leads us into the chorus and refrains. the first three lines of hoseok’s part go hand in hand with one another - they’re a natural progress of coping with one’s emotions and situation: “trying to comfort myself / i tell myself the world can’t be perfect / i start to let myself go.” the chapter is closing and hoseok is trying to tell himself, it’ll be okay. almost like listening to the song young forever - seeking comfort. a home. realizing that things aren’t always going to go his way, he can’t have this moment forever, and sometimes things are going to be ups and downs... the final line is perhaps the most startling, letting oneself go. realizing that there’s some pieces of yourself that are okay to let go, whatever is holding you back, keeping you stuck, sometimes we need to shed that to go forward with the youthful exploration that keeps life invigorating and exciting. or perhaps hoseok is thinking about the day in which he will let “j-hope” go and just be hoseok, without a stage in the traditional sense. “the thundering applause, i can’t own it forever” he moves on saying that this life won’t be his forever, at some point he will need to move on - realize that this moment is down, lose himself to it, and see what is next. yet - even with this knowledge hoseok continues “i tell myself, so shameless / raise your voice higher” it seems that there’s a conflict he’s facing - letting this moment go or screaming as loud as he can to hold onto it, and shamelessly so - letting go of all the constructed norms for how he should behave. perhaps, holding onto his YOUTH even as he grows older in age and should grow away from a youthful mentality. he is raising his voice and hopefully pushing forwards, perhaps just away from this stage and onto an even larger one. it seems this is the case “even if the attention isn’t forever, i’ll keep singing” he states. he will hold onto his passion, keep moving forwards with his music, his voice, his connection to whatever it is that wants to be connected to him - because this is his very soul and being. finally - hoseok closes out his verse “as today’s me, i want eternity / forever, i want to be young.” it seems that hoseok is choosing to be who he is at this moment, his youthful self, as long as he goes on. he will leave this version of himself, this beautiful, loving, hopeful version of himself as his mark on the earth for eternity. 

moving into the chorus we have the iconic title line “forever we are young” which to me, it’s about taking youth forward with you in all that you do. taking your passion, your drive, your love, your hope -- pouring it into all that you do and not letting the outside spoil you and take that from you. keeping your passions and running towards them. that’s the core of the message in young forever. 

jungkook then croons “under the flower petals raining down / i run, so lost in this maze” bringing us to think about how seasons change - flower petals can fall because of their abundance but also because they we are moving into winter. either way, the analogy of flowers is hopeful to me. blossoms on trees - the return in time. not the same blossoms, but just as beautiful as the previous ones. perhaps he’s speaking to the fact that the blossoms are falling now as the chapter is ending - which leads into the feeling of lost, of being in a maze... but the reality is, the flowers will come again. the can come again. so long as they keep running - there’s a chance for this beautiful moment to happen once again. that’s youth. perhaps you have your ups and downs, your moments in the sun (your spring days) and your cold days... but keep running, keep your energy, dream, hope, keep going. and you can return. 

jin then offers the other refrain “even when i fall and hurt myself / i endlessly run toward my dream.” THIS is youth. this is it. that almost stupid attitude of not recognizing when you’re down and out... not recognizing when perhaps you should stop. turning up the energy at your weakest point even when authority is telling you to let it go. this is the essence of youthful hope and energy. even if they’ve failed, even at their lowest point, they’re cementing that they won’t stop until they achieve their dreams. once again. dream. hope. keep going. just keep fucking going. 

finally the other refrain that is repeated throughout the chorus: dream. hope. forward. forward. is the direct translation. but, many would say it’s dream. hope. keep going. this is youth. our dreams, childish and pure. our hope, what we pour into ourselves, what we surround ourselves with - the light that keeps us going. and then constantly moving forward continuing even when our odds look bad. this shit resonates. bangtan did it. they dreamed, 7 boys at a small company. they hoped, holding onto one another, working hard, baby steps forward. they kept going. no matter the ridicule, the setbacks, they pushed forward. these words - they mean the world to me as i’ve pushed through shit in my life. i’m only where i am today because i, by some miracle, internalized this youthful mantra. allowing myself to dream, those moments of hope, pushing forward no matter what. that’s youth. that’s young forever. 

performance: well this is shaping up to be quite a long post. i want to discuss both the MV and how live performances typically proceed. i’ve also attached to this post my personal video of young forever at the HYYH: the epilogue tour in macau. sorry for my screaming in advance. 

MV: the MV is really interesting for the HYYH universe, although the same could be said for save me, which is technically in the universe... BUT the fact that the MV steps away from the storylines and almost takes us into the minds of the characters bangtan is playing is an interesting choice. we start off the video with the boys in a chain-linked fence maze, wandering around, and flashbacks for each of there characters. the overall aesthetic of the video fits with the lyrics and these feelings of uncertainty... the feeling of being lost... wandering from phase to phase in life. early on we see a scene of yoongi burning photos from the HYYH era - truly this song is about death to the past a new beginnings, overcoming the past but moving forward with the pieces of you that are important. the highlighting of the text “꿈 희망 전진 전진” or dream, hope, keep going - making it the mantra of the song. keep moving, keep running. almost it seems like the characters are running away from their demons as well. the members running off into the sunset together? it’s all about endings. new beginnings. but taking them on with determination and an attitude of childlike awe, glee, dreams, and determination. 

performance: we’ve all seen the iconic wembley performance. we’ve probably all cried over it more than once. maybe it’s your comfort video? maybe it’s secretly mine (ha!). i can tell you, experiencing this song live... there’s really nothing like it. it’s understated. there’s no dance. nothing like that. 

in the performances - namjoon appears alone in a starlight stage with the lyrics scrawling on a screen behind him. the lights are all dark, deep blue tones everywhere, it feels dreamy. the entire crowd is brought into a dream like state. it’s fitting, its absolutely fitting and incredibly stunning. yoongi then appears to namjoon’s left and hoseok to his right to be spotlighted for their respective verses. the emotion is everywhere. the song is even more incredible with a live band. you cannot imagine it. the chorus arrives with a change in vibe, a beautiful sunset is projected and the vocal line appears from the floor. all of the members stand shoulder to shoulder and belt the chorus and refrain. and you would not believe how devastatingly beautiful it is to hear ARMY shouting along. forever we are young. kkum, huimang, jeonjin, jeonjin. shouting together. again and again. clapping with one another. waving ARMY bombs. it’s completely emotional. i cried. i cried on the strangers next to me, that didn’t speak my language. there is nothing like it. 

i must also note, the concert i was at we were all distributed lightsticks and banners with 꿈 희망 전진 전진 written on them. this song has been important since it released. it’s the core of bangtan’s rise. it is so important to these boys. and to many of us fans as well.

now - a word about what happened at wembley. bangtan had no idea that ARMY would sing young forever TO them. at WEMBLEY. fans who likely do not speak korean. chanting their mantra to them “kkum, huimang, jeonjin, jeonjin” and singing “foreverrrrr we are younnnnng” and saying they will keep going. they will walk their journey towards their dreams. something about that, it’s incredibly toughing. you and i cannot imagine how that must have felt for bangtan. the moment must have been completely surreal. one of the world’s largest stages, playing one of the most meaningful songs of their careers - a song meant to memorialize their climb to fame, their accomplishments, their youth that they likely felt the LOST during this climb to where they are now. jimin himself said that night “this song. wow. this song helped me a lot when things were really hard.” young forever means so very much to bangtan. it always has. and their fans chose that very song. we chose that song (rather we were there or not). it’s our mantra too. whatever we go through, we are on this journey, and we are not alone. we are not alone. we can muster the strength to carry on with that same youthful zeal for life. watching that video... it’s moving. it’s completely incredible. to be a part of this journey... just wow. 

tl;dr: in conclusion... young forever is one of the BTS songs that has the most touching meanings, and it came at a very delicate time in their career. a time when they were finally getting the recognition they deserved and sought for a long time. a time when they were pivoting from “young” to “young adult.” a time when they likely struggled with a loss of their youth. all of this... it’s powerful because it’s not alien for those of us normal people. we all feel this. i’ve felt it as i’ve gone through tough shit and came out the other side changed, only to have to find my way through the maze and back to myself. youth and being young, it’s a state of mind. i think bangtan sincerely know and believe this. that’s what makes the song and the message it carries so incredibly powerful. so meaningful to us all. thanks for reading yet again.