#god cant wait til i can drink Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[hanasnx]

Imma jus keep flooding your ask box bec that's just how I am🏃🏾‍♀️ but this tiktok has me thinking.... imagine an au where anakin is a mandalorian...??? Like hear me out on that😮‍💨😩

Love the og mando but it can always be better with my fave Skywalker </3

link

hello vana! can you pls tell me your secret as to how your asks live rent free in my head???? you are welcome to flood my inbox anytime

im not joking. this one and the last one ive thought of periodically since i read them

i found this post a bit ago of mando!anakin <3 thought youd like it: mandalorian fanart link

☥ i have a huge suit and mask kink if you cant tell already im a mess over dudes in full head to toe gear bonus points if theyre stoic and only speak when absolutely necessary. fucking delicious i eat it up everytime.

☥ anakin’s canon personality kinda fits with that of mando from the show. gravely serious, quiet and calculative in strategic situations, no patience for nonsense, acquires a child and- after fighting the decision- grows attached to it, fierce loyalty to his family.

☥ mando’s armor is so fucking hot oh my fucking god i want him to do me with the helmet on and then imagining anakin underneath it all>???? i feel faint.

☥ imagine him being a bounty hunter eeeeeee

☥ like you two come across each other like you were sitting at the bar and he comes up to talk to the bartender if she’s seen a certain face around. you love the sound of his voice omffmggm, you can tell theres a slight mod to it and it just adds to the rasp. the bartender asks him to wait a second while she goes to the back. so you turn on the charm,

“bounty hunter?”

he pivots his head, marginally. and gives a single slow nod. you smile at him, down your drink.

“big fan of bounty hunters, one time a hunter saved my sister. would love to buy you a drink.”

“can’t. working.”

“afterwards? we both know you’re gonna catch that sleazebag you’re tracking. you look like the type that doesn’t stop til he gets what he wants, right?”

oh, how right you were.

he doesn’t say anything, so you assume it’s not a no. “mandalorian armor… would love to know what you look like under it all.” generously, you eyes travel him from boots to helmet.

“how do you know i’m not one of those guys that’s vowed to keep the helmet on?”

finally, a sentence. you must’ve caught his attention. “i wouldn’t mind that.” your ambiguous flirt left room to his imagination. having implied that it didn’t matter if he kept the helmet on, just as long as you got to see his cock pistoning into you. that was a little too forward for this kind of interaction.

he bows his head, and you envision the way he must be looking at you through his brows. either intrigued or appalled. the guessing game thrills you to say the least.

you point out his mark to him, behind the two of you, sucking on the neck of a twi’lek. “you owe me, hunter.” it was a harmless joke.

the twinkling of a couple credits sounds against the bar counter.

“for your next drink.” he answers your questioning glance.

☥ maybe by making your attraction to him apparent enough, he says fuck it, and after catching and collecting his bounty that very night, he comes back to the bar to see if you’re still there.

☥ maybe you somehow convince him to do you in the dark alley behind the disreputable bar. to your delight, he let you take off his helmet so he could fuck your mouth with his tongue while he slipped his cock out of the confines of his armor and fuck you for real. it’s not like his line of work allows for any time for himself, and the warmth of a willing woman is few and far in between. of course he melts into you once you say the right things. falls for how desperate and noisy your pussy is, slurping him up. sinking into your wet heat and panting into each others mouths.

☥ appearances didn’t matter to you much, and you were buzzed enough to not care. however, imagine your pleasant surprise to see someone so fucking pretty hiding underneath the mask.

☥ imagine yall start a fun little fwb relationship after this so he can fuck all his frustrations out using you <3

[author-violet]

Only love can hurt like this (Aaron Hotchner x reader)

Authors note: Hello lovelies and happy holiday! <3 Since it is the season of giving I'm finally releasing the first chapter to my series Only Love Can Hurt Like This! I hope you guys enjoy, I had so much fun writing this chapter and can't wait to release the next few chapters. Thank you so much for your patience and thank you to every single one of my followers and to everyone who participated in the voting. I appreciate every single one of you guys<;3 ps: y/f/b = your favorite breakfast food.

Warnings: None, just some cuteness.

Story plot:

Y/N L/N is an up and coming popstar. One day while trying to avoid the paparazzi she bumps into a rather handsome man by the name of Aaron Hotchner. To apologize for bumping into him she invites out for a few drinks.

Walking into your favorite diner you made sure that no one was in your favorite booth before grabbing a menu and sitting down. It wasn't often where you could go back to a somewhat normal life but somehow you could always find it in Betty's diner. Not long after you had sat down Betty her self came over to take your order.

"Long time since you've been in here sweetie, gonna get your usual order?" Betty said with that infamous sweet smile of hers.

Smiling back at her you nodded your head and Betty walked away to ring in your order. A few moments later she brings over a steaming cup of coffe which you thank her for.

As you are waiting a man walks in with his son who cant be much older then 6. You watch the two of them but your eyes are mainly focused on the boys father. He's wearing dark blue jeans and a brownish sweater and underneath the sweater you notice a grey t-shirt is poking out. You can't help but notice how handsome he is.

You don't realize you've been staring till your eyes meet his. You immidieatly shift your focus to the cup of coffee that's sitting in front of you as you feel your cheeks heat up a little.

You don't dare to look up until Betty walks over with a plate of y/f/b. You take it with a smile and give her another thanks and Betty leaves you too it. As you are finishing your food you notice a familiar man outside the diner. That damn man just won´t leave you alone. Everywhere you go he follows you with that stupid camera.

You quickly run over what you can do to avoid the man. You could run into the bathroom and hope he'll go away or maybe you could stand up and talk to the mysterious handsome man and his son. For some reason you decide to go with the latter.

You pull your cap a little down to hide your face and walk over to the two of them.

"Hi, Im so sorry to intrude on you guys. But there's a paparazzi outside who has been harassing me for weeks and I was wondering if I could hideout with you guys til he leaves?" You ask the man who nods his head and moves a little so you could sit next to him.

You quietly whisper a small thank you to the man who gives you a small half smile. As you sit down your hand grazes his thigh and you feel your cheeks heat up. Shaking it off you introduce yourself.

"I'm Y/N" You say with a small smile on your face

Before the man can speak, his son replies for him.

"I'm Jack and that's my dad" He says reaching out his hand for you too shake.

"Lovely to meet you Jack" You say shaking is hand. You let go of Jacks hand and turn a little towards the man.

You can see him a lot better now then from your booth earlier. And my god he looks even better up close.

"And lovely to meet you dad" You say sticking your hand out a little for him to shake.

“Aaron” he replies with a small smile while shaking your hand.

You sit with them for roughly an hour talking to them. Jack tells you about how his dad is a real superhero and how he fights bad guys everyday. You listen to the boy marvel about his dad for pretty much the entire time. You watch Aaron the entire time from the corner of your eye. The way his eyes light up when Jack talks is without a doubt the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. Jack then starts talking about how his dad is the only dad in his class who doesn’t have a girlfriend or a pet which causes Aaron’s cheeks to become a bit more rosy colored then they were.

After roughly two hours of speaking with them you notice that the paparazzi man has left and you feel a little sad since you know you have to leave. Which is a bit weird since you just met them yet you feel like you could be here with them for ages. But despite not wanting to you turn towards Aaron.

“Well looks like he’s finally left so I should probably head home” you say trying to hide the disappointment in your voice.

“We should head home too Jack. You don’t want to be late too your aunt.” Aaron says.

“Do we really have to go? I wanna talk more with Y/N” Jack whines to Aaron.

You smile a little. Happy to know that the young boy liked talking to you.

“Me too buddy but she has to go home too” he says trying to convince Jack to leave.

Your brain short circuits for a moment at his words. Did he really mean it or was he just trying to get his son home? As you get a bit caught up in your thinking Jack stands up from the booth and starts walking towards the entrance of the diner. You get torn out of your thoughts when Aaron gently touches your arm sending goosebumps all over your body. You now notice Jack is no longer in front of you and quickly stand up.

You walk with Aaron and Jack to their car, trying to spend a little more time with them. Aaron opens the car and helps Jack get in his seat. You say bye to Jack before Aaron finishes buckling him up and wait for a moment for him to close the door. When he does he finally turns to you.

“Once again, thank you for letting me intrude on your time with Jack.” You say to him with a small chuckle.

“Don’t worry, you weren’t intruding. In fact we had a great time today.” He replies with a smile on his face.

You can feel that your heart does a tiny flip at his words.

You both just look at each other for a moment and you start feeling a tiny bit sad that this might be your last time ever seeing them, and seeing Aaron. And before you even realize it you words just spill from your mouth.

“Well anyway I want to thank you probably for helping me out. Even if you don't think I was intruding on you guys. Maybe we could grab a dinner sometime or maybe a couple of drinks?” You stutter out. Rather nervous whether or not he’s going to take you up on your offer or not. It feels like ages before you finally hear him answer you.

“How about tonight? Jacks going to be staying with his aunt so my evening is free” He replies

You let out a breath you didn't even realize you were holding in.

“Yeah, that sounds good!” You reply turning your head away slightly trying to hide that fact that you are exploding from happiness and that you have a gigantic smile on your face.

“Great, I can pick you up at 8 if that’s ok with you” he says and you notice he has a grin on his face that matches yours.

“Yeah that’s more than ok with me.” You say and take out your phone. Handing it to him so he can put in his number. Which he does.

“I’ll text you my address” you say to him still grinning grime ear to ear.

“Great, I’ll see you tonight” he replies.

“Yeah see you tonight”

[jennrypan]

Ever just feel insanely..unexceptional?

Like the way you look, dress, do things is just not. Good??

Its just so painfully average in comparison to everyone else and youre just there. Existing vaguely.

Maybe you have some good moments but those dont last long. Just..bleh.

I dont think im really..good at much?? Im okay at things. I guess Im funny but eh.

Im at working making my own mood shitty tf is this. Its not even 12.

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

1. u know the few years they cant see each other is both so theres no actual punishment but also so persephone is technically in her mid 20s when they officially ~get married~ and now rachel can claim she totally wasnt a creep for making persephone so borderline underage as opposed to just ... making her not a teenager in the first place. p much every writing choice in LO now is rachel desperately trying to retcon her past bad writing choices but it's so obvious it's almost laughable.

2. so the "big punishment" is hades has to wait til persephone can legally drink and rent a car on her own before he can tie her down to being his trophy wife and knocking her up? good to know the thousands who died senseless, painful deaths got their "justice" in being a minor inconvenience for these two.

3. lo fans praising hades for not being a r//pist is funnier when you realize rachel very purposely took hades' actual mythology and pinned it on another character to demonize him purely because hades is that awful in mythology in terms of his relationship with persephone and she couldnt just be normal about it. like literally lo apollo's crimes in comic are myth hades' actual doing. it's crazy they dont connect the dots or even do a basic google search and realize how bad they sound.

4. That baby Persephone crying being gifted with wrath frame is the ugliest thing I've seen in LO in a long time

5. Apollo and Artemis are Zeus's children oh my god I can't believe it blah blah blah. Okay. So Rachel insists on dressing people in 18th century-esque gowns when talking about the time Leto and Hera were friends. Some people here didn't like it, but I think it's fine. However. Wtf is up with Zeus's shirt when he's shown kissing Leto, her outfit resembles vaguely antique undergarments, but his shirt is just a modern-ass shirt!! What the hell is going on with the fashion?

6. rachel must be sobbing her eyes out that now persephone might be like 23 when she marries hades, she's basically ancient by that age. everyone knows youre an old maid by 21 and persephone would lose valuable years to give hades his desirable amount of clones for himself. it's absolutely tragic. whatever will they do.

7. well of course hades would be upset over not being able to see persephone for a certain amount of years. she'll age out of his age range.

8. Don't read the webtoon whatsoever but I'm reading all these fast pass mentions and y'all have to be pulling my leg. They all sound so bad??? The trial outcome??? And how Persephone was made??? 100 roses?? Double beauty?? Her act of wrath, the 1 thing that was supposed to lead up to her supposed dread Queen status, wasn't even her fault?????? Y'all are kidding right???? This is legit?????

Holy fuck, why does webtoon keep promoting this, why do the fans try so hard to defend this, this whole series is actual garbage

9. ngl, I love how in trying to giving persephone a ~tragic backstroy~ to explain her actions rachel instead strip her of literally any and every thing she could have had to even pretend to be a character. she has no intelligence of her own, she's only beautiful on a fluke, she has no kindness, and even her ambitions/emotions arent even her own! it's telling us without this, persephone is staler than a piece of old bread. this is exactly how to NOT develop a character. truly impressive on RS' part.

10. not to bring up PJO but with hades and maria there was conflict in them being separated because she's mortal and thus time spent together was more important because of how limited her life was, but LO trying to pull that too between two immortals is like?? get over yourselves?? also in PJO there was years of having a relationship and kids involved, meanwhile in LO they've legit only known each other a month. rachel wants the emotional reaction with none of the actual stakes/work put into  it.

[ivyuns]

love again ❆✰

lee minho

genre: angst / fluff 

word count: 2.4k

warnings: drugs + language + a bit suggestive + a few grammar mistakes (this was written at 5 am plz i cant) 

A/N: why do i keep having dreams of someone who i used to like :(

masterlist

nonidol!minho x fem!reader

taking a picture of the scenery of paris in front of you, smiling of how well it came out, a real smile this time. hearing a voice call out your name, you turn around as your smile dropped, seeing someone who you didnt ever wanted to see. lee minho was his name.

it started as you two were young and in love with each other back in high school. you two we known as the toxic couple. not because you two were bad for each other, but because you did everything together: drugs, alcohol, getting high, sex, you name it. other than those, you two had another side of being soft. the romantic dates and the funny days shared.

the time you two hung out as best friends everyday, making everyone in school thinking you two were couples. the night where minho took you star gazing late at night after having a fight with your mom and ended up kissing you and asking you to be his one and only.

til your mom found out that you did drugs and drank underage because of minho. she forced you to break up with him and you felt like shit. you called him to meet you at the park you two always went to and left the house to go see him.

arriving at the park and sitting on a bench with the winter breeze around you in your light cardigan. feeling something on your shoulders made you feel tense til you smelled where the owner of the jacket is. lifting your head up, a tear fell from your eyes. minho’s eyes soften as he took a seat next to you and wiped the tear away.

“y/n, whats wrong love?” minho asked. “m-min, we need to break up”. minhos eyes widened from your sentence. “b-baby what happen? is everything okay at home? please tell me”. sighing and standing up as you took off minhos jacket off of your shoulders and gave it back to him. “just know that i still love you forever and always and we’ll meet in the next life” and left him.

minho sat there in shock, not knowing what just happened. it felt like a big part of him just left him.

the next week at school, you werent at your seat. you were nowhere found in school. you were just laying on your bed, feeling total shit. feeling nothing to do but just cry to sleep. your mom made you do online school to stop you from seeing minho and his friends. you phone made another noise as you sighed. looking up to see your phone on your nightstand, you see 44 missed calls and 64 messages from minho. tears falling down even more, you ended up falling asleep with a worried minho waiting for you at school.

and that was the last time you ever saw him, you first and last lover. his cousin, who was your best friend had kept in touch with you and told you what minho had done during the breakup. inhaling and consuming drugs, overdosing on drugs, drinking more and going crazy while yelling your name and wanting you to come back into his life.

minho eventually got over the breakup in a year. looking at the memories you gave him, he had the urge to call you names you didnt like him saying. his cousin passed by his room and heard him saying things you hated being called. knowing it was about you since his cousin had knew you before minho so of course you told her everything.

feeling hurt and angry about what she told you, you felt yourself growing apart from him. why still love him after he called you those names? you gave yourselft sometime to heal and feel better about yourself.

now here you are now 3 years later, visiting your dream city, france. you always wanted to come here when you and minho were a bit older but things didnt work out.

turning around after hearing minho called you, he ran over to you. looking at your figure, he can tell you lost too much weight but still had the perfect brown eyes with your hair recently dyed to light brown and your fashion senses that changed. only with you in a black top and baggy tan pants with black converse. god how much did he miss you.

a few minutes after not talking, you figured he just wanted your attention after he searched you everywhere in paris when his cousin gave him updates on you. walking away from him, he quickly grabbed your wrist. “y-y/n, can we please talk?” you made him let go of your wrist and continued walking to your hotel.

minho quickly ran in front of you and stopped you. “please y/n, what did i do wrong?” you sighed and looked up at him. “maybe if you werent so psycho, you wouldve known.”

minho stood there and thought of what happened. was it when you broke up with him? no, it couldnt be your fault. when he called you more than enough? no. when he was about to propose to you and run away with each other? no way. you two broke things before he could even ask.

‘shit’ he thought. it made him realize. he was too angry at some point and called you names that you hated being called and point out your insecurities. he knew someone was outside his door at the time.

facing back reality, he sees you still in front of him. “figured out now, mr lee minho?” you crossed your arms and a little smirk formed on your face. even after years, you still cant stop loving him. minho takes your hand and drags you to a park to lay under the sunset, watching to stars as it turns dark. remembering from your high school days.

laying down with you in minhos embrace, you whispered a ‘i love you’ to minho and fell asleep after missing the warmth of minho. minho, who smiled after you fell into your slumber and pulled you closer to him. “i love you too y/n”

a few hours, you woke up to nobody in the park but you and minho in the dark. noticing you were still in minhos arms, you got up and woke up minho. minho opened his eyes and saw your panic face. “minho, where are we?!”

minho was fully awake now. looking everywhere, he couldnt remember where or how he took you to this area. “god minho if you werent such a dumbass. youre lucky that my phone works fine here” you said as you gathered your stuff and grabbed minho’s hand, forcing him to get up and follow to directions on your phone to where your hotel was.

minho just smiled and walked close to you. “you havent changed a bit y/n” he says. you stopped walking and turned around which resulted minho bumping into you. “youre really asking for a slap are you?” minho quickly shook his head a no and you turned around and began walking again.

-

opening your door to your hotel room, minho was full in daze. everything was decorated beautiful just for a hotel suite, or thats what minho thought it was. “you can sleep on the couch here, ill be upstairs if you need anything” you said and head upstairs where your room was after giving him an extra toothbrush and toothpaste and other necessary items.

“wait y/n!” he calls your name and you turn around to walk downstairs. stopping at he last step of the stairs, minho walks towards you. “can you actually stay down here. i-i mean like so we can catch up on stuff like you know?” you knew he just wanted you to stay down here since he couldnt be alone.

“ya, youre just trying love me again arent you minho?” you joked as you poked him. minho scoffed and went to sit on the couch. “as if”. walking towards the couch and sitting next to minho, you lift your legs onto the ottoman. “im just joking min, of course ill stay here with you” you say to him and looked at him with a happy smile. minho smiles also after hearing you call out his nickname youll call him during your relationship.

hugging you waist, minho leans towards you as you get lost in his sparkling eyes. he lays you down and kisses your lips. at first, you wanted to pull away, but after missing his kisses, how could you resist it? 

a few weeks had gone by and you two had returned to korea as a couple again. another 3 weeks and you moved in with minho after getting kicked out when she found out you found minho. with no hesitation, you facetimed minho about what happened and let his loving girlfriend move in with him.

moving your belongs into his apartment, you felt nauseous. going to the toilet to release the sickness, minho puts down a box and runs over to your side after hearing disturbing noises from the bathroom. “baby, what happened? are you okay?” minho says and tries his best to comfort you while he lifts your hair into a ponytail so its not in the way. “i-i think im-”

tears started streaming down your face as thoughts ran past your brain. what if he doesnt want the baby? is it too early? were still in our early twenties. you were cut off by minho hugging you. “its okay baby. we can check and see in the morning. lets go head to bed, i already got the last box.” nodding your head, minho leads you to the bedroom with his arms wrapped around you and your head on his chest, both slowly falling asleep.

waking up first thing in the morning, you turn and see minho still asleep. going to get ready to for the store. most importantly, for the pregnancy test.

-

walking back into the apartment, you immediately go to the bathroom and take the test. waiting for the test to give out the answer, minho wakes up to you not next to him. grabbing his phone from the nightstand, he goes to your contact and texts you.

my baby <3

where are u ?

hearing the familiar notification bell, he sighs as he realize you didnt take your phone with you. getting up, minho goes to the bathroom and sees you with the test in the palm of your hands. he goes up behind you and hugs you and to see the test come back with positive.

with the biggest smile on his face, minho turns you around to face him. “you dont know how happy i am y/n” “but minho, how are you not mad?” you pulled away from the hug with a confusion look on your face, “shhh, just pretend i wanted this to happen in the future when we dated.” minho back hugs you, facing the bathroom mirror.

you see minhos hands rubbing your stomach. “its been our dream to have kids and get married. and ta da!” turning yourself around, you hug minho at a better position. “thank you minho for loving me back and not leaving us, i love you so much”. minho leaned in and put his forehead on yours. “i love you more than you do baby” and gave you a loving peck.

END <3

yes another minho fic bc this was sitting in my drafts and i dont know where this was heading to hehe

[cetologies]

i once again... need to vent. so i apologize. i don’t have another outlet but it is under a read more. this is my personal experience, on the off-chance someone reads this and decides to pick a fight with me. i feel like i don’t have to say that but alas, the internet.

posting this late at night so hopefully too many won’t be subjected to it. i go into detail a little bit on this stuff.

tw: ED, body dysmorphia, OCD, depression, SH, anxiety, s//cide ment

i’m sorry i tried to tag it as well as possible to cater to anything blacklisted, i will most likely delete this but otherwise if something needs to be tagged differently please tell me 

this is definitely the worst i’ve felt in a long time. years probably. and some of it is my fault, so i feel like i’m not allowed to complain. but i will anyway. all i’m asking is to get down to 115 again. i was that small when i was 16 and i want to be there again. i haven’t weighed myself with intention to see what weight i am in maybe 4-5 years. 

i make it a point when i go to doctors offices to not tell me my weight. i cover my eyes and *usually* explicitly state that. but i didn’t three years ago, though i said “i don’t want to know my weight” and put my hands over my eyes and she still told me my weight. i remember crying and being loud, the doctor (who had known me for years) had immediately asked the nurse if she told me my weight.

i’ve always had body image issues but holy shit not like this. i’ve suffered with depression and anxiety most of my life. i’ve ticked off almost every single box in terms of diagnosed mental illnesses (except schizophrenia... which even that i’m starting to check off a few). but like i said, holy shit never like this. i would like to say this is harder to deal with than the anxiety/depression i previously have dealt with, but i dont know anymore.

this definitely hurts so bad though. i am getting depressed again, and cannot see this getting better anytime soon. partially my fault once again. i’d just like to lose a little more weight before seeing a doctor. i think i weighed (at the time of that incident above) around 129?? which is... healthy for my height but so is 115. 

my problem is i can’t eat. i can’t think about eating. my default state is now just nausea. i get nauseous from not eating, i get nauseous thinking about eating, and i get nauseous from eating. since october i cant stomach anything. i started adderall in december and it made it 10x worse. i’ve since switched to adderall xr (adzenys?) and i can at least drink water now and only a get half as nauseous. but that was really scary!! i had a little swig of water, no more than a sip, and had to lay down for 4 hours because i was so nauseous. 

my main issue is now i feel guilty for eating. which is normal for eating disorders. but i can’t eat more than 100 calories without wanting to self harm. it’s ridiculous, and i know it’s ridiculous but unfortunately that’s the number i can’t let go. i cried for an hour today bc i ate those lil brownie little bites and it was the second thing i ate today (aside from celery, which i also got sick and felt bad about eating bc i googled the calories: 60) and accidently saw how many calories they were. 240. 

so i ate 300 calories today and that was enough to make me want to vomit (i can’t, i’m emetophobic) and crawl into a hole and disappear. i have never ever dealt with stuff like this before and it’s so scary. i’m afraid my health is failing because of it but i can’t stop. it’s so unrealistic to eat less than 100 calories a day. the standard recommended is 2000, yet for some reason i can’t eat more than 100 without wanting to die

i check my body measurements 3-4 times a day. i spend at LEAST two hours in front of a mirror body checking and looking at my figure from all angles. these issues have definitely stemmed from my figure along with my insecurities. my entire life the only thing i’ve been complimented on is my measurements. it’s all i have. i’m not very pretty, but people are in love with my figure. and i am too! so many people tell me my body is great the way it is but i don’t care what they think, i care what i think. and i think i need to go back down to 115. 

i’ve chalked up my self worth to my body measurements. it’s not something that’s generally achievable without surgery, so it feels almost like a trophy to me because of how fucked up my brain is. i can’t lose it because that’s the only thing that i like about myself. or at least the only thing i like about myself that i don’t want to impulsively destroy like my eyelashes

and it’s not like i’m trying to achieve a completely flat stomach or anything. i just look a little disproportionate to me, since i carry fat only in the stomach. a little pudge is natural and i understand that. like i said, 115 is still healthy for 5′3′’. it’s not like im trying to drop down below 100. i had told myself once i lost the weight, then i’ll go get help for the fact i am violently nauseous no matter what.

which leads me to my next problem: this is my only solution. i can’t lose weight through exercise (esp exercise that involves numbers) bc of my OCD. i have such bad obsessive nature with any numbers (as stated w/ my weight, my body measurements, etc) and like i did when i started looking at calories, i’ll become so obsessive with exercise that if he doesn’t reach my fantastical expectations, i’ll want to self harm.

something that’s really making me upset is i specifically never looked at calories, checked my weight, etc. because i knew this would happen. i went out of my way to avoid stuff like this bc i knew i was susceptible to this kind of thinking and it still happened anyway. my body is going to start shutting down soon if it hasn’t started already. 

it’s fucking ridiculous though! i’ve tried to kill myself (and still, suffering as i am, i still thank god i made it out alive) and it’s just crazy that that was over anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, bullying, etc. and now i want to kill myself bc i ate CELERY!!! bc it’s 60 calories!!! like its so illogical!! i’m a very naturally logical person so this is just like each side of my brain hitting the other with a bat.

it doesn’t look like i’ve lost any weight, despite purposely not eating for 4 months. my grades are bad, my gpa dropped .5 points bc of covid and i’m fucking stupid anyway. i try my best not to self harm bc of my fear of blood but i usually end up scratching myself til i bleed anyway. 

i’m suffering and trying my best to make it through this but i’m trying my best. i just want to wait to get help until i lose a little more. but i am fucking suffering. all i want is to eat again. or at least to eat and not feel guilty afterwards. my portions are so much smaller, i can only eat a few bites of any meal and it’s so fucking scary but i can’t stop myself from wanting to lose more.

like i said, i’ve always had body image issues but nothing like this. i’m so so so scared but. there’s nothing my brain will allow me to do until i lose a little more weight. im afraid im causing/on the road to causing irreversible damage but i just!! can’t stop!! not being able to eat more than 100 calories is so fucking ridiculous i’m ashamed of myself. i shouldn’t be having anxiety attacks over eating celery.

[shytiff]

Jan 2021 Wins

ive “journaled” for 6 months now. it started as small ___ wins because when you feel rly empty, even doing the bare minimum feels like a win. written down some of the wins. i think until now i’d like to keep the “win” part. a win against my shadow sometimes. a win in life. some things to be grateful for. a win for remembering it later in the future. i know some days im just basically doing nothing.  there are a lot of wars not won by me. but im still tryna ✨manifest✨

1 - woke up. watched bts’ 2021 seasons greetings. read trap city. afternoon nap. pupuy’s mbah passed away. i got DOMS in my body even though i did the barest of exercise yesterday (frail, i know). shower, matcha latte.

2 - the x banner atikah and i sent for racil post thesis defense has arrived lmaoo. mom made delicious (and sweet) fried banana. did some studying (more than usual, bcs the bar is on the floor)

3 - ate muesli, 3 risols. Kopsus coklat at flavola. Stayed there from 12-ish to 17:30 lmaooo. weekly bahas soal w/ fi. Rapat nemo

4 - first day of collab module. Barely cicil ukmppd. My mood is normal-ish but i hardly have the will to study. Dinner is fried fish with mentai sauce, potato wedges, and saladdd by mom

5 - collab module, qa presentation for rsui reps. finished reviewing tryout 2 solid. did padi pretest (got 66,5). ate chicken porridge, a bit of muesli and vsoy, tan ek tjoan bread, matcha latte, fish and chicken and potato wedges and salad, fried banana. i ate well today lol.

6 - slept during collab webinar, went to clara’s place to study osce and attended padi together. i ate well at clara’s placeee lol. ate nastar, kusuka, white kwetiaw with soup (?), and lele goreng. went back home @ 9 pm. i feel refreshed. even though we’ve half studied half mukbang all day. human interaction rly does heal me. i need human interaction more than i think. at night i dreamed about going to bali, to waterparks, seeing sea creatures, watching a movie displayed on a concert-like stage and screen at the front row. 

7 - woke up at 07:55, finished my part for collab group work. felt a bit tired today. the rest of fam went to DM, and when they were on the way back i HURRIED my way out, not even taking a shower lmaoo. got pistachio matcha latte at starbucks dm. now im more skilled in searching the best spot in a cafe to distance myself from people lmao. the matcha latte is served with some sort of pistachio cream and sprinkled with nuts on top. its like when sbux had taro matcha latte and it had purple cream on top. the pistachio taste is quite strong. reviewed TO 1 padi, sent proposals for nemo sponsorship.

8 - did syndrome try out and padi 2 web try out. studied for osce and padi @ clara’s place. wanted to order pizza since clara bought me food before, but she insisted in ordering lmaoo. so dinner is pizza hut

9 - woke up at 11.00 lmao. havent had breakfast. lunch is muesli with the brand new delishhh chocolate granola and cimory banana milk. did one shot try out, got 71. had a google meet with Prof Agus (that ethics book ghostwriting job from a year ago is not finished until now huaaa) that went from 20.00ish and finished at 22.30,,,,, reviewed syndrome try out along the way. havent made my collab self reflection hhhh. i also need to study for osce. also havent edited article for bukang solid. and there goes my saturday nooo

10 - i swear i keep waking up late lmao. Flavola w atikah, racheel later came with wawa. Kopsus coklat and ukmppd class w dr yudo. After class i just talked at flavola (and ended not studying osce at all for sunday). Went to racheel's to pray and talk some more. Hurriedly went back for booty call with fi, watched konser dies natalis first. Tryout and sum study with fi and clar that went from 20:30 to 00:10. Powered by left over kopsus and 2 snackit pia. Rip my sleeping schedule

11 - woke up at 10:30 ish, the lack of meal and horrible sleep pattern (for my standard) produced stuffy nose during the day and a bit of headache that went away for a bit after i ate. Late bfast is muesli, drank protein, ate tan ek tjoan, plus 2 brownies in the evening. Tht coaching w dr niken. Did self reflection for collab. Had dinner without rice, as usual. Ukmppd class w dr ayu. Finished reflection at 21:30 lmao (deadline is 23:55). Tryna sleep and my nose is still itchy and i sneeze a more often. i hope it goes away 2mrw

12 - DV coaching, scele tryout, took a nap before padi cause my head kind of hurts. Les padi while drinking matcha with vsoy less sugar and no added sugar. I can withstand the horrible sugarless cy matcha taste bcs theres a taste of soy. Didnt do anything else. Havent studied osce on my own until now. Astagfirullah

13 - my head still kind of aches. Its goes away when im eating. im eating so well during the weekdays that i gained 2kgs lmao. lazed around the first half of the day. padi. finally tried saint matcha and damnn its an amazing upgrade from Cy matcha. the green color is super different yall. Cy’s green looks sick and tired compared to saint matcha. the taste? immaculate (although coco deli is more fragrant). caffeine? hits. awake and feel normal? yes. messaged an ao3 author and got replied and turns out she’s making a sequel for my fav fic of hers. yay

14 - osce practice w ara ren ness. bedah and anak osce coaching. had 3 of mom’s cinnamon rolls and matcha latte for the afternoon. cicil osce DV. edited some pld articles. did nothing else basically

15 - wasted my day, didnt have the courage to study osce (i feel like i procrastinate on it bcs it feels overwhelming to me), TO FKUI 2, hurriedly reviewed to 1 before, les padi. i feel like this is the least focused im being in a les. maybe its the too few matcha powder.

16 - woke up at 9 am. breakfast is muesli. reviewed to 2 fkui w apa salahku (finished at 12 pm, there goes half of my saturday). tried fried chicken master. its good and tender but i still prefer moon chicken. 

17 - breakfast is muesli, banana and 2 martabak tahu. snack is keripik pisang aduuu wenak (and picking bits of meat cooked by mom). went to devi’s place w/ racheel silvi. brought RJ to be wrapped. we watched okay madam and its super fun, hilarious and full of twists anddd a bit of cutesy romance. just the right balance to enjoy and let the stress out. late lunch is moon chicken yay!! went home after maghrib, did to padi 6 w/ fi and matcha latte. talked about a senior’s wedding and eating healthier til 22:30

18 - To fkui 3, wasted my afternoon playing my phone, finally mustered some will to study after ashar. My progress is rly slow today. Watched hilarious jessi interview with eric, heechul. Im telling u, i thought tiktok is the funniest internet content but i was wronggg. Seeing heechul flustered is hilarious. Tried to study again at night but only learned 1 disease hiks

19 - had no idea what i did before dzuhur lmao. went to racheel’s to surprise atikah. actually napped at her place lmaoo why do i feel so sleepy. gifted rj to atikah. we ate fried chicken master and pempek on a small green table and talked. its like korean movie lmao. we talked while im simultaneously listening to padi lol.

20 - woke up at 8, chicken porridge + muesli and low sugar vsoy for breakfast. arrived at clara’s @10am. to fkui 4. reviewed it. reviewed general physical exam. finished up to padi 7. tried bombo donut. studied osce. i felt sooo dumb in osce (and clara is already super smart). superrr motivated to learn after going back home (arrived at 7) but i ended up opening youtube and drinking protein lmaooo and its suddenly 9 pm

21 - matcha latte at starbucks dm. Studied osce. Obgyn coaching w the super kind dr ilham. Les padi. Read angel buddy and played with my phone til 12 pm

22 - to fkui. padi as usual. had low motivation, so i did the tryout that day close to the actual course.

23 - left home at 06:30 to study together in capitol. had breakfast in mcd first. thank god i ate rice + chicken and breakfast wrap cuzzzz. studied osce together w ara, ical, kelvyn, dio and kak ilonka til about 2 pm. WALKED to bk bcs my parents are there. apparently simply driving to capitol is too much for them. immediately ate muesli at 4 pm cause i didnt eat anything in capitol. did nothing else after that. did not pray maghrib together lmao somehow mom had mercy on me and let me sleep som more. mom bought sate padang but i didnt eat it. i cried in bed because as yoongi said, “this is the real you and this is the real me”. did not shower/wash my face at night bcs i felt like shit lmao rip my face (its a week before bukang photoshoot)

24 - i feel tired, lazy, and just wanted some sleep. like all that’s in me is drained. ate muesli with strawberry milk. tried fitmee beef. its better than i thought. because the noodle is chewy you spend more time to chew. also ate fried chicken and daun singkong. usually i cant wait to go to flavola but even at 12 pm i just feel like laying down. finally mustered the will to shower and go out. its raining a bit on the way. colddd. 

25 - to fkui 6, osce briefing, covid lecture (that was actually for ppds), padi

26 - spaghetti for brekkie, coaching neuro and ophthalmology, cicil osce

27 - cicil osce, the second to the last padi omg. the fastest padi ever

28 - obgyn osce practice at kak ilonka’s place (that nice kosan at forkabi) with ara, ren ness, kelvyn, dio with mannequins from og dept, tried meokja salemba that serves bulgogi rice. quite good. after arriving at home, studied neuro together with menno til about 20:45 an and i just dont have the energy lmaooo so i gave up and slept

29 - today is bukang photoshoot at bintaro. put base make up on the way. even put glue on my eyebrow. got eyebrow, eyeshadow and blush done by renata. took lots of photos. nebeng om coro afterwards to bxc to meet mom. we ate at genki sushi (renata ara kris mendel oca regan geordie eka). i missss road trips hua. did tryout fkui on the way back home. after shower and prayer proceeded to review TO with apa salahku. Last padi (havent done the questions beforehand so i sprinted it out while on the actual course). Muhasabah osce with kak widia afterwards lmao. Studied osce with clara

30 - studied osce with ara ren ness @ merra. I ate eatlah, moms muffin, kemplang, tango. I ate so welll. Its a productive sesh, neuro and infectious disease. At home i studied osce w clara til abt 22:15 ish. I feel like i miss my me time lmao its been 3 days. I can still go on w clara but i dont wanna get myself sick

31 - simul osce in the morning. Osce study with clara almira. Cicil osce alone. Played my phone at 10 pm even though i still have mental clarity post matcha latte -___-

[shockapella-sweet]

Three Sentence Pairing AU Prompts: Mortal Kombat

After a lifetime of procrastination, I’ve finally finished these prompts! ^3^ And to make my life easier, I’ve decided to put these last ones in one text post:

*~*~*~*

Anonymous said: Erron and Jin + Good Omens AU, because why not?

“Listen, Jin, we’ve only got 11 years ‘til this little s*** brings about the end of the world,” murmured Erron Black, his acquired nasal twang stronger than it had ever been in the last thousand years or so; resting his hands on his hips, he added in that laconic drawl: “We can work together, and I’ve got a plan in mind –”

“For the last time, Black, I’m not interested,” huffed Kung Jin, giving the demon his trademark scowl (one that he had perfected over the centuries, no thanks to their frequent run-ins), “and I doubt that any plan that you’ve managed to conjure up will get Raiden’s stamp of approval, let alone the Elder Gods’, so get lost.”

Turning his back on him, Jin took only two steps forward when one of those hands latched onto his shoulder, stopping him in his tracks; the hairs on the back of the angel’s neck stood up – and oh, how his wings threatened to unfold – as that sinfully baritone voice crooned into his ear, “Why don’t we talk ‘bout it properly over lunch … I still owe you after that nasty chilli incident in Travis County 40 years back.”

*~*~*~*

Anonymous said: Can I have Jakeda in a Empire AU, please?

“I have to shoot a music video early tomorrow morning … if my dad finds out that I’m seeing you tonight, he’s gonna have both our heads and asses on a platter,” said Jacqui Briggs, her angelic voice reduced to an agitated mumble as she took an unsteady drink of her champagne.

Grinning, Takahashi Takeda reached across the table to touch her other hand that lay clenched beside her dinner plate; looking directly into her perplexed eyes, he said softly, “If you’re worried about your dad firing you, then you can always sign up to my dad’s record label instead … and if you do, I promise that you’ll be in good hands with me.”

Canting her head at the young music executive, Jacqui could not help but smile back as her hand unfolded beneath his warm touch; when she spoke again, her words were like music to Takeda’s ears: “I hope so, boy ... otherwise you’re gonna catch my dad’s hands instead.”

*~*~*~*

Anonymous said: Hey Shocka! If you are still doing that 3 sentence + AU meme, can you write Taleena + Mermaid AU please?

In the glare of the full moon, Tanya thought the other mermaid looked simply enchanting: perched atop of the rock – the scales of her cerise-coloured tail glistening like a multitude of stars – Mileena’s amber gaze locked onto hers with a slight hesitation.

Tanya smiled from her place at the foot of the rock, the sea foam lightly tickling her waist; touching her tail reassuringly, she said, “Go ahead, my love.”

The soft words – and not least the softness of her touch – was enough for Mileena’s mouth to part in song, revealing a row of large, serrated teeth that added a hissing edge to her dulcet tones: for Tanya, nothing was more alluring than hearing her lover sing … and the enthralled sailor who jumped overboard from a passing ship and was now swimming towards them (Just in time for dinner) certainly agreed.

*~*~*~*

Anonymous said: SubScorp AU where Scorpion becomes evil again.

“I’ve no desire to fight you!” cried Kuai Liang, holding his left arm to his chest with his right, the blood dripping from his slashed bicep and pitter-pattering to the ground in wine-red droplets; with every frantic beat of his heart, the dripping hastened and the droplets grew larger.

With his top teeth digging painfully into his inner lip, the cryomancer stared straight ahead, his crystalline eyes melting in the heat of the other man’s fierce gaze; summoning all of his strength, he whispered, “Please, Hanzo, you must awaken from the sorcerer's spell once more.”

Alas, there was no hesitation, no remorse, no recognition whatsoever as Hanzo Hasashi stepped towards his lover – lifting his kunai high into the air with the finesse of a scorpion raising its tail, he rumbled: “You always deserved death’s embrace more than my own, Lin Kuei scum.”

*~*~*~*

Anonymous said: If you’re ok with this, then Kotal x Jade and they live happily ever after in Outworld.

“It would be remiss of me if I did not say that I have waited for this moment,” remarked Kotal Kahn, gently cupping Jade’s chin and lifting it upwards – in the light of Outworld’s midday sun, her glowing eyes were akin to precious stones.

Indeed, they only seemed to shimmer more as their owner absorbed the emperor’s words; Jade lifted her own hand to the side of his face, the emerald-encrusted band encircling her finger serving as a reminder of the vows they took more than half an hour ago.

“Good things come to those who wait, Ko’atal,” she murmured before obliging him with a kiss: down below in the streets, the hearty crowd cheered at the affectionate display, more than pleased with their emperor’s choice of consort.

*~*~*~*

Done and dusted! Thanks to those who sent me these prompts, as well as the previous ones – they were awesome to write, and I hope they were decent enough to read. And doubly thank you for your patience! ^3^

[cleaduvalls]

i watched all 20 episodes of spy kids: mission critical in about a week and here are my thoughts (3/5)

1.9

i havent watched this in like 2 days i dont even remember what happened last time

why is everything in the desert the desert sucks

alsjhiajgdf i love tom kenny

listen i know hes like a superandroid or whatever but i really hope he and therese fall in love

wait hold up. i thought they already had midterms???? like the did that before scorpion went to her fashion shoot. AND they were kupkakkes midterms. whats up with this school

no drinking in class???? rude. let them hydrate

that seems imbalanced

aHh

thats only like 10

also that book is dummy thicc

its ok ace my nose whistles too

shut up carmen youre just jealous because shes pretty

there are no seasons its a desert

ok dude stop breathing so hard

he JUST said that

anywhere between an hour and umm... 11 months

you put it on one page why are all the pages back

me but with physics

thats literally the best line in the whole series

juni how do you not know that you were at a safe H O U S E

theyve been gone for like 2 hours are they not allowed to study?????

what even is AWOL???

absent without leave. neat

talon gives off some big draco energy

tick tock???? how dare you

slkdhfa she called sir awesome honey shes such a mom

dont make it obvious

oh look they made it obvious

roll credits

i was in cleveland when i watched this episode - well actually i left that day - and i was s h o o k e t h

also hes right. no spy would be in cleveland. theres 3 buildings

oh me too

right bc shes the only “I.A.”

ew

eW

this isnt HARRY POTTER. or maybe it is. talon is a hardcore draco

oh right bc swearing is for Men™

update tumblr decided to break AGAIN (im boutta cry btw) so we lost about 5 minutes from the end of 1.9 and 7 from the beginning of 1.10

1.10

its a DOORBELL do they not have those in the outback steakhouse

lots of people. doofenshmirtz, other people who i cant think of right now, etc

???? no it wont????

did your troop leader not give you The Talk??? you NEVER go in the customers house

ace no. youre allowed to not buy treats

theres a triforce on her vest, too

shes just gonna go to another house yall. shell be f i n e

oh my God shes holding hands with mauly im gonna c r y

yeah its called saliva

nope only scorpion lives in a castle

stop bringing up spy sense and tell him you saw her glare at you

HES ALLOWED TO LIKE FOOD

how do you know that he doesnt have his phone if YOU dont know where it is and HE cant tell you

i love how she says "floor. ceiling. more thumb"

haha i found the birth of venus

oh and the creation of adam

hes like squidward, which would make sense bc goldies voiced by tom kenny who voices spongebob

"sebastian oliver" "shadow operative" S.O. nice

why do you have a trailblazers badge. youre 4. i didnt get one til i was a cadette

also sebastian???? isnt that the toymakers first name????? you cant have 2 sebastians

also why do you have braces. youre still 4

"SIR MEANIE FACE" IF SOMEONE SAID THAT TO ME ID BE D E V A S T A T E D

SCORPION LET HER CRY SHES F O U R

so really, spy sense DID help

oooooh, sentry duty, thats gotta hurt

WHAT THE H E C K YOURE F O U R

she looks like frickin plushtrap

aCE NO YOURW GONNA D I E

oh trust me they hurt me more than you know

dude theyre so thin youre f i n e

eh, still worked

clicking her teeth together so hard must H U R T

i think she can get out of there. also shes concussed now

why was that so quiet. why did it get louder

thats not a y shape

no, they spy kids

oh shiitake mushrooms thats what THEY said

whenever they say pinnoquinoxx i always think of pinnochio

ahdhhsjak i miss pizza parties 😔

well now we ALL expect it

also, no one????? pick a cooler code name. your regular name was cool and now youve ruined it

2.1

oh theres finally a skip intro option. im not taking it

stop saying that its weird

EWWWWWW CRUSTY THATS SO G R O S S

haha shes shopping w the goon. love that

oh yeah i didnt get to tell yall yet but i absolutely h a t e gablet

a lot of people, juni

listen i know a jt (but he doesnt go by jt) and uhhhhhhh were not gonna go there

why are you happy. what about second semester makes you so happy

boi thats a tardis

the design on his hoverboard looks like the aperture science logo

i paused to read the Floops label and it says "fried corn and sugar loop shaped breakfast substitute, net wt. 13 oz" ITS NOT EVEN A CEREAL ITS A BREAKFAST SUBSTITUTE IM C R Y I N G

listen i know hes technically scorpions dad but i dont think he can legally be in the dorm rooms

aww, thats sweet

i dont think gablet has an attached printer

gablet always sounds like shes mocking people

oh dear God its dolores umbridge

haha nerd

awesome no im gonna die

whenever carmen yells she sounds like link

ok so i didnt find a reason why she sounds like link but i DID find that theyre making a wherea waldo tv series so uhhhh thats fun

why does the cat have a bandaid

GABLET S T O P

OH!!!!!! ON THE WALL!!!!!!! ITS THE TUMBLR POST WITH THE FORK AND KNIFE ETIQUETTE PICTURE!!!!! YOU KNOW THE ONE!!!!!

oh no fart jokes

its even the basic fart sound effect

BAHAHAH MY PHONE VIBRATED AT THE SAME TIME HE FARTED THAT WAS WEIRD

oh no i hate him

stop SLURPING

uh yeah???? you heard them yelling about it

how??? does that work??? you cant just like catch electricity in a cup.... can you???? i havent studied it since 4th grade

oh worm??

goldies such a boomer

worm??

psi shouldnt be at the drawing board right now. he also shouldnt be confused

what happened to the lasers

wait nvm we havent gotten to that episode yet

ace is valid, dark is Scary

im gonna punch gablet in the face

that doesnt sound realistic

do you not have stairs??????

dont you mean inside AND out??

that flashlight did NOTHING

how did it die so fast?????

who else would you be talking to??

isnt that bowser from the mario movie we dont speak of??

i havent gotten a chance to tell yall but i absolutely love clemp. hes such a mood

hes the greatest spy

does it use a mini transmooker???? ig it doesnt bc gablet works but thatd be lit

SEE SHES IMMORTAL

me when i see something interesting

ME WHEN IM NOT ON MY PHONE

i dont think you can legally say that

you killed her

me

wow nice promo

also just???? bring a charger????? like youre the tech girl why do you not have one at all times

how?????? did you go so fast

machete electric bubbles??? nice

just task manager him

mother of all boards sounds like it could be a cuss...mother of all fuckers

also throwback to 1.7 when she says "his ai firewalled his motherboard" i keep expecting her to say "his ai firewalled this motherfucker"

yes i said keep ive watched that episode too many times to count

worm??

why did you giggle and make a flirty pose. are yall supposed to get together???

did you????? kill him????????? holy shit

2.2

thats what my dad does. he loves hospital corners

idc what it is you have a bazooka

ok if it was a spider id get it, australia has some deadly ones, but does it have deadly ants too???? like is that a Thing????

also ants in your room are gross

was that just a cameo??? i dont remember what happens in this one

haha because he said grapevines and wine has dregs and wine is made of grapes

for the boys??? thats so cute

listen idc how evil you are EVERYONE should cry over otters

so one of the parents has a sister or sister in law named roxanna..... hmmm.......

if you dont use your turn signal h*ck u

hes gonna D I E

i just looked at my shoe and i think theres blood on it???? what the h*ck

suspicious??? about.... what???? having fears???? not being perfect?????

juni that was awful wording

JUNI WHAT DID YOU D O TO HIM

like i know what he DID but the way it plays out makes it seem like something significant

i thought his name was heavy meddle not.... deth metal???? thats how the subtitles spell it

hahah me

he sounds like bling bling boy

yeah ik im a fool thanks for reminding me

what are you gonna do??? kill juni????

POOR WORD CHOICE JUNI

oh he gives exactly 0 h*cks

a shoe doesnt make that sound

crack bugs?????

see thats why you dont mess with things

im a god among boys??????? what????

did you... kill them????????????

thats any australian person

theyre so stupid i love them

good i hate her

i thought the gunk just like... disappeared from the guitar but actually it shot off

he died... 😔

uhh.... yeah????? was it not obvious?????

me when i have 5 dollars

[ideclaremarvel]

Open Mic

Steve Harrington x Reader

Introduction: Hello!!!! Is ya girl i haven't made a story in so long and i am just in love with Steve and billy from stranger things because who wouldn't ? and just everyone so i might make new stories of those characters. Olala but i'm not taking in any request! ): im sorry just have a busy life and I want to focus on one character at a time. Bare with me i'm rough it's been so long!!

Not sure how long the series will be put i want it to be long and cool haha. Everyone is alive bc i cant wait til season 4 !!! idk how i feel about it but here ya go this probably sucks sorry

warnings: drinking and drugs nothing too bad 

Chapter 1: 

Summary:  After the events at Starcourt Mall, destroying the flayer monster and everyone still managed to come out alive, everyone who was everyone decided to go their own ways. The Byers family moved away along with El & Hopper. As a gift Hop fixed up his cabin for you to stay since it was somewhat destroyed by the Flyer monster. You work at a small bookstore in Starcourt Mall along with Nancy. town there's a small bar that you occasionally read your poetry to the drunken people, it was only for the weekend random people from the bar or around the neighborhood would read their poetry/stories, no one you knew went here. 

“Hey Nac, is it alright with you if I head out now?” 

looking down your watch it read 7:30 it was Friday and the mall closed at 9, you just want to get home have a shower possibly change clothes before heading down to Dragons Corner Bar. you found this bar when you were tripping on shrooms walking through some woods, thought you were walking in wonderland in the middle of October here a Hawkins. What's odd about the bar was it was hidden, the driveway is long and the parking was big enough to fit probably 100 cars but there's always people walking here. People who are not from your town. Every time you went you felt like you've entered dark ages of dragons, princesses, kings and queens, the entire bar was shaped as a castle. 

“Yeah that's fine Y/N, go enjoy your night!” she said with a smile, she usually takes closing on Fridays and you'd take Saturday, as a win win, both satisfied.

As you were leaving the store looking around starcourt so many families laughing, kids running around at their playstation, mothers sitting all together chatting who knows what. A Lot of people from Hawkins high are always here but luckily for you, an exit next to your store. It was a blessing. Avoiding big crowds and possible interactions with people from school isn't what you want. You hated it. Weirdly enough your friends with Nancy who used to be popular, both of you guys are opposite personalities, you will like the odd one out considering you love rock/punk bands and wearing dark clothes, but you always made it look cute making some popular girls angry. You found it amusing. 

Walking to your car wasn't much of a walk since they have a section for employees to park, another blessing this Mall has to offer. As you were unlocking your car, you heard the door the mall opened. You wiped  your head around, only to find your favorite crush wearing his cute sailor uniform, ‘thank god i don't have a dress code’ you thought.

 “Steve! Ahoy mate!!” 

giving your best pirate voice and mimicking dancing around in excitement to seeing him, Steve on the other hand that it was bad and laughed. 

You loved the way he laughed it was gentle and soft, not enough to roll your eyes but enough to keep making him laugh forever  “Y/N enjoyed the attempt but that was bad!” Steve laughed clutching his stomach like he couldn't breathe

He was wiping away tears that went down from all the laughter” i must say cute little dance you did, ya missed me that much?” Steve said sending you a wink.  

“are you done now? I tried okay don't give me your bs” you rolled your eyes trying to be sassy.

 “Hey now i said it was cute” Steve said while taking off his shirt in front of you, not caring if anyone saw. You couldn't help but stare a little bit, he was fit, nice arms, toned, abs looked so nice you'd want to lick them. Snapping out of your trance of the boy, you went into your car, open the glove compartment to get a small bag containing rolled joints. picked one out throwing the bag onto your passenger seat, fumbling in your purse for a lighter. Groaning not having one on you. 

“Need a light?” Steve said holding out his lighter already having the flame dancing for you

Leaning over to light the joint perfectly placed between your lips, inhaling and exhaling before handed it off to Steve, you always loved smoking with him. hell, he's the one that got you into it in the first place. 

“Did you roll this?” Steve asked admiring the perfectly rolled joint like he's never seen one nicely rolled, twirling it around if with his fingers. 

“Yeah, I usually like to roll a couple at a time and light one whenever” taking the joint from Steve, you briefly touch his hand, that alone gave you small butterflies, sending you shivers all throughout your body.

“How was work? It was pretty busy up at Scoops, god little kids are a bit annoying not knowing what flavor they want” 

Steve said frustrated touching the back of his head “robin took care of most of them trying to get them to leave already” he said taking the joint from you inhaling, exhaling the smoke trying to make a ring. Failed but he tried. 

“Work was okay, had a few customers come in to buy books, rearrange a small area in the back with Nancy. Were thinking about getting a rescue dog or cat to keep around the bookstore, so were making a little hang out area for people to read their books and have a nice time with animal” 

you smiled at the thought of it coming together, you were more excited to adopting a kitty. Steve was looking at you smiling, admiring just how beautiful you are and sometimes he wonders if he should ask you out, he always had this crush on you but from all the rejections he's gotten asking you made him nervous.

 He found it sexy just watching you hitting the joint, sometimes he wants to take your face in his hands and kiss you till your lips fall off but he couldn't he was too scared. He really wants to.

“Should get both? Don't you live at the cabin all alone? Get a cat for the bookstore since they are low maintenance and they can take care of themselves”  

“I actually haven't thought of that, being alone in the cabin doesn't get lonely, im used to it, peaceful. Besides i asked Nancy to move in since she wants to be away from her house” you took a couple more hits off of the joint before burning it out. Looking towards the sky above trying to look at the stars but it was cloudy so nothing was out. 

“I can take you to a shelter and help you pick a cat or dog, whichever you'd want” Steve said giving you a small grin like a little small boy, ugh you thought to yourself, sometimes you think he likes you but you're sure he flirts with every girl. 

“Yes i would love that, maybe get food after? My treat” you said singly leaning over to him giving him the biggest smile ever

“Yeah we can eat burgers and milkshakes, how does that sound? I know a place we can go” Steve said while getting down off of your car hood, stretching showing a little of his abs. ‘Fuck’ you thought to yourself. ‘Why am I like this’ thinking this made you groan in annoyance hat Steve picked up

“ whats up Y/N ? watcha got going on tonight? Steve asking while fixing and trying to style his fluffy hair that you oh so loved.

“Gonna go home, refresh myself and then read a book, easy night for a long day” you lied to him, you didn't want no one knowing where your little secret bar was, you didn't want anyone to hear about your poetry. 

Especially Steve, sometimes you write about your feelings about him but still you'd rather hide it and not have anyone know about it except well for Nancy she’d know about the crush you have for Steve for awhile now, she says it shows all over my face whenever he's around. Never got what she meant but never cared.

“Sounds relaxing to me, i'm going to meet Dustin and everyone for a drive a Quarry, ill see you around princess” Steve said while getting into his car, rolling down his window flashing you the prettiest smile “i hope you enjoy your night Y/N” waving to you while driving off. 

“I wish you'd kiss me” you said out loud but no one but you heard that. Getting into your car you drove off.

Entering dragons corner everyone knew you, pretty much you will come here to escape being alone at home and nights when your thoughts got too much and a drink is what you need. 

“Hey Y/N welcome back!” 

Tom yelled from behind the corner waving at you. 

“Hey Tom! Hows Betta?”

 you smiled and waved taking a seat next to Lewis the other bar owner. Betta is tom's wife for over 40 years! You wish you find your soulmate and be together long, sounded cheesy but it's something you've always wanted. “Whats up girl” Lewis said going in for a fist bump. 

“Betta doing good, she's been out of town visiting her mother and sisters” he said while mixing up your usual drink, dirty pina colada. not one for beer because of the taste and itll reminded you too much of your stupid father. “You miss her? Whens shes coming back?” you asked wondering when she’ll be back, she treated you like her own daughter after some poetry sessions you'd cry so badly in the bathroom, since you became a regular and pretty cool, they gave you a key for the back office that's so quiet and away from all the noise.

 “She should be coming tomorrow, she's been gone for 3 weeks! Not having her around the bar have been so quiet” he said coming around the bar, taking a seat next to you. 

“Here made your favorite, added a lil too much of alcohol but it should be okay” tom said giving you the drink with 3 cherries on top because he knows how much cherries are your favorite.

Taking a gulp from the drink you can slightly tell the more alcohol in this, burned your throat a bit but the chillness of the drink helped.

“The drink is wonderful and much needed” enjoying the drink while looking around its a full house, lots of people. Just thinking about being on the stage made you sick but thats why having one dirty pina colada was enough

 “Open mic is gonna be starting soon, i think Lewis is getting the mic set up” he said standing up from his chair stretching and sighing 

“It's been awhile since we got this much people, betta would be happy” 

You had your journal with you with all of your notes of places, people you meet, drugs you've tried, and all the poetry you wrote. It's something you don't want to ever lose. 

“Can I go first this time?” I asked nicely, giving him my biggest pout.

“Yeah i gotchu, want another drink? Virgin?” asked before wanting to add anything, he knew you drove here, doesn't want you to be impaired while driving, he cares about you too. 

“Yeah, thanks I appreciate it” accepting the drink while Lewis stands on stage getting everyone's attention.

“Welcome welcome our insomniac and alcoholics…..

Earning a chuckled from the crowd. 

Welcome to Dragons Corner, tonight we are hoisting our open mic and everyone who is everyone is able to come up here, thank you all for coming and enjoy your evening!!!’’ earning a loud cheer from everyone and having the small fainted of jazz music played, they like to keep it quiet when people are talking but not having any dead silence could get boring and make the readers nervous too. 

“We'd like to start off with our favorite writers Y/N!!” Lewis said clapping towards my direction to motion me on the stage having everyone cheering for me made all my jumping nervous calm again.

“Hello everyone, im Y/N and i will be reading some sort of love poem for someone that i wish would notice me, alright here we go…

When i think of you i think of all the good things life has to offer

like coffee on an early morning 

the first sight of the sunset or sunrise

Or when someone falls in love for the first time

The way you smile 

The way you laugh

The way your hair is poofy and curly

Sharing smokes, secrets, food, love

I wonder what's it like to kiss you

To touch you

To feel you touch my skin

I wonder what's it like making love to you 

My lips ache for yours 

Please notice me

Notice me how birds notice a worm on the pavement 

Notice me

I want to give you the world in this cold lonely world

Notice me………”

You finished and stepped off the staged, everyone snapping their fingers no one clapped during open mic it was just more quieter and better. “Who is this lover boy?hmmm” Lewis said walking down the bar and meeting your gaze

“This kid named Steve, i went to school with him. He was this big king of Hawkins high before Billy came into town and took that title. Steves sweet and nice. He's always looking out for me” 

you said smiling just thinking of him made your stomach want to do flips, just something about im made you feel so alive, he’d always make sure you were okay. 

“Does he feel the same?” asked while cleaning around being busy but still talking to you 

“I'm not sure, well i don't know, i wish i knew..” just the thought of him liking someone else made you sick and sad. You just wanted to be his.

“You're too wonderful Y/N, i bet he does feel the same” giving you a pat on the shoulder and giving you a warm smile the one that says ‘you got this’ 

You let out the biggest sigh and decided to head out. “Alright Lewis, Tom i'll see you guys tomorrow night!” waving at both of them as you were leaving the magical castle. Stepping outside was a little more chiller than before but luckily you dressed warm. Turning on your car playing fleetwood mac.

Returning to your cabin, you've decorated it with tiny lights so when you've come home in the middle of the night you can see where you're going and not fall and hit yourself like last time before buying the lights, recalling the memory and the pain you just glad it wasn't anything major. Although the figure waiting on your porch was something you didn't expect. 

“Steve?” you questioned the figure it was dark you couldn't tell who it was

“Hey Y/N..” he replied with a little sadness in his voice something you notice right away 

“Lets go inside, got something on your mind?” asked curiosity hoping it wasn't anything but bad but just wanted a friend

“I thought you were here like you said earlier but no one answered so I waited, it was only an hour, i dropped Dustin off and i wanted to see you again..” he smiled towards your direction while being distracted with your living room and how nice it looks.

“It's so cozy here” he said eyes wandering around can't seem to be fixed on something

“I try to make it as cozy as possible since it's just me, i need my home relaxing environment. It helps alot” you said while disappearing into your room to change into pjs, you hadn't realized you forgot to put on pants because your tipsy mind forgot about Steve

“Cute butt” Steve said while checking out your ass, couldn't help himself but also want to embarrass you. Realizing this you ran to your room to grab a pair of shorts 

“My bad, had small drink” your face redder than a tomato at this point. Steve on the other hand found it adorable you blushed really dark red 

“Soo steve why are you here and no home?” completely forgot about why he was waiting for you

“Well i wanted to see a movie but not alone and so i thought of you, i have movies we could watch” steve taking out 2 movies from his jacket and handing it to you 

“Halloween 2 and Alien, hmmm horror type? Lets watch alien i love Ripley” popped the movie in and went over to the couch where Steve started to get comfy

“Would you want to stay? It's late and I wouldn't want you to drive” you asked hopefully it'll be a yes since you could possibly ask to cuddle later on. You looked over to Steve lost in thought but snapped back to reality quickly when you asked him to stay  

“If you don't mind, we can make pancakes tomorrow” he said with a soft smile 

“Yeah i'd love that” 

[thisisabouta]

This is About a... Downfall.

It’s happening. I’ve been taking Lamotrigine consistently for 8 months or so. Maybe longer. This is the longest i’ve consistently taken medication in a long time. It’s Lamotrigine along with Doxepin, Hydroxyzine and Gabapentin.

This is where my head has been during these last 8 or so months. I was driving on the freeway, about to merge and as I saw my car getting closer to the concrete barrier, I decided to go faster instead of slowing down for the car that had the right a way. I was about to crash into the side of this fucking car but I just kept going. The car to my right had to slam their brakes and I waited to hear the loud crash from the cars behind them because there was no way this wasn’t about to be a 5 car pile up.

God was there because nothing happened but that was way too fucking close to a catastrophe. The car that I cut off trailed me for awhile and pulled up next to me, I’m sure they were trying to cuss me out, flip me off, something... Whatever they did, I didn’t see it but it was justified. I would’ve been fucking heated if it had been the other way around. I cut people off all the time. I drive like an asshole, whatever. This was different.

I’ve been disassociating for weeks now. In that moment, I could see everything that was happening but my brain was not telling my body the correct way to react. I knew to slow down but I couldn’t. Everything i’ve been doing lately has had a delay. 1 minute. 5 minute. 10 minutes. My processing is delayed. My speech stumbles out of my mouth and doesn’t make sense. I’ve been blacking out and losing moments of time for years now but not to this severity. Now it’s like i’m blacking out and not fully coming back from it.

I’m around people constantly. I’m in a position of “leadership” at work so I have to direct and plan, be on alert at all times. My work day now consists of getting asked questions that I can’t comprehend fast enough so I stand there with a blank stare on my face, slowly losing my credibility. It’s worse because some of the things i’m being asked, I absolutely know the answer to but my brain just cannot get there. I can’t focus on ANYTHING. I know i’m walking around in circles (literally) and I know other people see it but I can’t stop. This circling shit happens a lot but it’s picked up in frequency. After I realize what i’m doing, it’s already done. People are trying to get my input and ideas and all I can do is squeeze my hands together and stare straight ahead, hoping my brain will figure out that I need it to work.

When I try to read, I can’t. This isn’t all the time but it happening occasionally is already too much. Words are not always making sense to me. I cant understand what i’m seeing and I have to go over things multiple times. It’s the same with counting. I shouldn’t have to use a calculator to add 30 and 20 or hold five $5 bills in front of me and stare at them until I realize what it is that i’m looking at. It’s embarrassing to even acknowledge that this is happening.

I’ve been losing things more and more everyday. I’ve had a habit of losing my keys. I lost my work keys at my last job, three times. My new job, i’ve already lost my keys once and it hasn’t even been 2 months that i’ve been working there. When my coworker texted me telling me that she found them, I just wanted to cry. That sounds ridiculous but having those keys is a huge fucking responsibility. I can get fired for losing them. Somehow I escaped that at my last job but it was a constant fear that I had. This last time, I hadn’t used the keys at all that day and I still managed to lose them. I retraced my steps and I had not taken them off of my keychain. Things like that don’t help me overcome this engrained idea I have that the universe is against me. Those keys represent me trying to do everything I can to keep it together while everything still managing to fall apart.

I’ve been forgetting to pay bills that i’ve been paying on the same day, every month for years. I’ve been forgetting people’s names. I can’t always comprehend what people are saying when they’re talking to me... that’s been a big one. I had a customer walk to my register at work. I was looking down at something when he asked if he could pay for his merchandise (I found out later on). That’s not what I heard. It came out as mumbling so I just assumed he was making a comment about something that was left on the counter. From what I remember, I said “Oh... yeah...” and went back to what I was doing. He looked at the Associate next to me and she told him that there were registers at the front where he could pay (she was already helping someone). He walked to the front and it took me about 2 or 3 minutes to realize that he was asking if I could ring him up. And to add to that awesome moment, he glared at me for the rest of the time he was in the fucking store. Yes, one small incident but that’s nowhere near how many times something like that has happened. Someone will be talking to me and i’m literally catching about every third word they’re saying. You can only ask “what?” so many times before that person looks at you like you’re the dumbest person they’ve ever met.

Writing things down... i’ll go back and read over my notes. They make no sense. Things are spelled incorrectly. Everything’s scattered. Like someone else wrote it. I walk around feeling like i’m not apart of my surroundings. My surroundings are not reality, like walking through a Fun House with no fun in sight. It’s like i’m seeing everything in those mirrors that make everything look distorted. All I can do is stare and try to figure it out. I can only imagine what that looks like from the outside. People walking around me while I just stare. Standing there trying not to cry because i’m in public.

I’ve been hallucinating. That comes and goes. I’m still forgetting why I picked certain things up, or why I walked to a certain room or what I was going to tell someone. Things a lot of people do but usually with somewhat immediate recall. I’m not remembering these things til days later, if at all. That’s the more frustrating part. Very small, seemingly insignificant things are happening over and over and over again. It’s no longer an insignificant mishap, this shit is snowballing and affecting everything. I can’t manage a store if I can’t function like a normal, fucking human being. I talked to my Probation Officer about some of the things that were happening and she asked me what medications I was taking and if any of them were used to treat seizures. Gave her the list and two of them just so happen to be used to treat seizures. I already knew that was the case but didn’t think that they would cause this long, intense stream of side effects. I know all about the side effects of medicine. You’ll basically die if you take it and die if you don’t.

I’ve experienced the lighter ones. Nausea, dizziness, dry mouth. The usual shit. Not forgetting how to read a fucking sentence. To my POs knowledge, those drugs do cause a lot of neurological problems, much that make it feel like i’m disassociating. Most of these things had been happening prior to taking the medications but it got much worse over time. I read up on the side effects in detail when I got home and everything aligned. So [because I will control this situation as much as I possibly can] I stopped taking the two that were the main issue. Should anyone ever just stop taking their medicine without consulting their physician first? No. Did I do it anyway? Yes. Now i’m going thru the withdrawal. Besides me losing my fucking mind, the Lamotrigine was actually working. It was the first medication I had taken for my Bipolar that has ever had that positive of an effect on me. But that was at the expense of me literally going insane. It’s not going to matter if I feel better when i’m dead because I crashed my car into a wall. The risk does not outweigh the reward. It did not cure anything. It did not solve even half of my problems but it did make me feel better. Not taking the Gabapentin doesn’t make a difference.

Now i’m going thru the withdrawal. I have 11 drafts on here that i’ve tried to complete and publish over the past few months and they’re just sitting in there. I know the only reason i’m able to write this one is because i’m not on the meds right now. Now my heart hasn’t felt off beat for the past few days (that’s a difficult feeling to describe) but in return, i’m the angriest i’ve been in awhile. I got in an argument with one of my employees this morning and did not feel bad at all. I got into it with another ASM a few days ago. I feel my temper coming back.

I made an appointment with a new MD for next week. I need to start over. I made an appointment to see my current Psychiatrist and cancelled it. I’m done with that guy. He keeps throwing these random pills at me and it’s not working. Not that the next doctor isn’t going to do the same, exact thing but I made an appointment at a facility that offers “Advanced Integrative Medical Care”. Basically, they’re on some new age shit. I’ve been reading up on Ketamine Therapy for over a year and even though it scares the shit out of me, i’m not completely against the idea. They also offer Medical Marijuana. I am officially now in my last 3 month stretch of my house arrest and this shit has finally gotten difficult. The first few weeks were hard because I was still trying to figure out what I could get away with and apparently it’s a lot but now, I just need this shit to end. I’m getting restless. I’m scared too tho.

I’m still going to be on supervised probation for a year (based on good behavior) but I need to get back to... something. I can’t be sober and I don’t want to be. Weed has been fine. Good, enough. I’ve grown a liking to it and found some that actually relaxes me. Alcohol. I miss alcohol. I’ll forever miss alcohol. I’ll miss it even if (when) I start drinking again. It’s that important. Watching movies, seeing people drink to have fun, to relax, to be brave, to socialize. And yet, I shouldn’t engage in that. I know I can engage in good things but the drinking is what i’ve been told I should stay away from. I’m not going to stay away from it. Alcohol makes things better. I know it, the people who tell me not to drink know it. It’s there and I need it. Yes, the problem is that I abuse it. I don’t know if I can overcome that problem. I’m going to try. That sounds crazy and insane so... it’s just going to have to be crazy and insane.

There are other ways to deal with my problems and i’m trying to implement them and hang onto them. I need those things too but I can’t walk thru the world with this open wound that is my life, unarmed. Chemicals... drugs... my brain chemistry will never be right and if I know there’s something out there that will give me temporary relief, i’m taking it. I just have to put the recklessness aside. This time around was a lot. I pray that it was enough to set me straight. Or at least to keep me out of jail for the second time.

[sincerely-us-imagines]

i seriously cant think of a title someone pls help me out (jared kleinman x reader)

so like,,, months ago i got a request for Jared having a crush on the reader and finding out she self harms. I kind of? went a little in a different direction with this so i hope its still okay!! also it’s like a quarter til 3 in the morning and i have to be up at like 6 so i’m not proofing this rn. let me know if i made any mistakes!

warnings: the whole thing kind of centers around self harm so?? there’s that, angst, arguing (is that worth tagging?), and some no-no words

“Jeez, he used to be really hot.” you commented with raised eyebrows. “What year was this?” You reached for the DVD case and Jared scoffed.

“Ew oh my god, (y/n). You can’t be serious.”

“‘99.” you murmured to yourself. “Hm.”

“He’s not even, like-” Jared gestured dumbly at the TV screen.

“Aww, are you jealous, Jare Bear?” you cooed, pinching your friend’s cheeks.

He swatted your hands away.

“I’m not jealous,” he insisted, face pink, “Brendan Fraser just isn’t- and never was- attractive.”

“Whatever. I don’t care how straight you claim to be; there is no denying he was fine back then.” You stretched out on the couch, laying your legs across Jared’s lap.

He rolled his eyes at you and turned his attention back to the movie, absentmindedly tapping his fingers against your shins.

It was something he always did when you were together; tapping or rubbing or drumming or otherwise fidgeting with you. Sometimes he’d grab your fingers and play with them, or your hair, or even drawstrings on your hoodies or sweatpants. His hands were always moving. You didn’t mind, though. It helped him stay focused. Plus, if his hands were moving, the rest of him wasn’t.

About halfway through the movie his hands stilled. It was near midnight and you figured he had probably fallen asleep. You’d started to poke him with your foot before he began snoring through the good parts. When you looked at him, though, he was wide awake. His jaw was set and brows furrowed, with his eyes fixed on your upper thigh where your shorts had ridden up.

Fuck.

You tried to pull your leg away but he caught you by the ankle, holding you in place.

“What are those?” the usual bouncing, jovial quality was gone from his voice.

“Please don’t-”

“What the hell are those, (y/n)?”

“What the hell does it look like, Jared?!” You shouted, yanking your leg away and adjusting your shorts back over the marks. You pulled your knees up to your chest and looked off to the side, eyes stinging.

“(Y/n)...” Jared’s voice was softer this time. You didn’t look at him. He sighed and turned to kneel in front of you on the sofa.

“C’mon,” he grabbed both your hands in his, rubbing his thumbs over your knuckles, “look at me. Please.”

Hesitantly, you turned to face him.

The second you saw his expression you broke down.

Why was he looking at you like that? Why did he look so personally hurt by this? Was he… crying?

“I’m sorry.” you mumbled into your knees.

“No, no.” Jared took his glasses off and wiped his eyes. “I just… I had no idea you…”

He gestured vaguely at your leg.

“You weren’t supposed to.” you sniffled.

“Why not?” He countered.

“What do you mean ‘why not’? Because it isn’t your problem.”

“Sure it is. You’re my problem, so this is too.” he scooted beside you and draped one arm over your shoulder. A small smile stretched across your lips as you leaned your head against his shoulder.

“So, um,” Jared cleared his throat. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really. Do you?”

“I, uh… If it makes you uncomfortable we don’t have to, I just, I have a question about it?”

“Shoot.” you tried to keep your voice even.

“How long have you been, um, doing it?”

That wasn’t quite what you were expecting.

“I don’t know. A few years? Since before we met.”

“So I didn’t… miss anything?”

You shook your head.

“Same as I’ve always been.”

He was silent for a few moments before speaking again.

“Why?” his voice was small.

“Why?” you laughed, running a hand through your hair. “What, do you want a list or something? ‘Cause that could take a while.” Jared didn’t say anything to that. You deflated a little.

“I dunno,” you tried again. “It just helps, I guess. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s just kinda like, everything gets so overwhelming at it seems like too much, and then when I… do that,” for some reason you felt uncomfortable saying what ‘that’ was. “It’s like a floodgate being opened. Everything pent up inside comes rushing out and it’s just this huge relief. It’s… nice.” You were embarrassed to admit that it wasn’t something you hated doing. “It’s like I can literally watch my problems go down the drain.”

“We’ll find something else.” Jared said confidently. “Something that’ll work even better. Something... safe.”

“Jared,” you sighed, “That’s really sweet but I-I don’t think I want to stop.”

“I don’t care.”

It was a simple statement.

“What?”

“I don’t care if you want to stop or not. I’m not going to let you keep doing this to yourself.”

That made you angry. You knew it shouldn’t. You knew you should be touched that he was so set on trying to help, but you just… weren’t.

“No offence, Jared, but you can’t control what I do. It’s my fucking body and if I want to-”

“I’ll tell your mom.” He pulled away to look at you.

“I swear to god if you do I’ll never forgive you.” you threatened.

“I’d rather you hate me and be safe than love me and be a danger to yourself.”

Another thing that you should’ve thought was sweet, but in reality just grated on your nerves.

“Jesus Christ, Jared, it’s none of your business what I do.” you shoved him back, crossing your arms over your chest.

“It is my business. Anything that’s hurting you is my business.”

“Fuck off.” you roll your eyes.

“What’s your fucking damage? Why are you so pissed off that I care about you?”

“Because you’re being really god damn obnoxious about this, inserting yourself into something that doesn’t concern you.”

“It does concern me, (y/n), because I don’t want you hurt. I want to protect you.”

“Oh, how fucking noble of you.” you laugh humorlessly, standing up.

“Where are you going?”

“Home.” you snatch your bag and keys off the table by the door.

“(Y/n), I--”

“Tell my mom if you want to, Jared. Go ahead! Fuck up my life even more than it already is!”

“Wait, seriously, just--”

You stormed outside towards your car, slamming the door behind you. Jared followed you, halfway through his yard when you tore off through the empty streets of his neighborhood, leaving him standing in the wet grass calling after you,

______

You passed the turn down your street, going about ten miles over the speed limit and grinding your teeth. If Jared did decide to call and tattle to your mom, you didn’t want to be home when it happened.

You took one hand off the steering wheel to dig through your bag in the passenger's seat and grab your phone. You fumbled trying to unlock it for a few seconds, eyes darting from screen to road and back again, until you pulled up your contact list. You found the number you were looking for and hit “call”, taking a few deep breaths.

“Hello?”

“Hey, can I-- I’m sorry for calling so late I just…”

“Is everything okay? I thought you were hanging out with Jared tonight?”

“I was, but then… c-can I just stay over at your place tonight? I don’t want to go home.”

“Sure, yeah. I’ll unlock the door, just let yourself in.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry again I--”

“Hey. It’s okay. Quit apologizing.”

“Okay. S-... I’ll be there soon.”

“Right. See you in a bit.”

You powered off your phone after that. You didn’t want to deal with Jared or your mom, if he really did follow through with his threat.

_________

You pulled up at Murphy house and physically restrained yourself from slamming the car door. You didn’t want his neighbor’s dog to start barking and wake everyone up.

“Hey.” you said quietly, slipping into Connor’s bedroom. “Thanks for letting me come over.”

“‘S fine.” he was sitting in the floor, drinking black coffee from a “World’s Best Mom” mug. He pointed on his desk to a mug covered in pictures of kittens. “Three sugars and half cream.”

You smiled, picking up the mug and sitting down beside him.

The two of you sat in silence for several minutes, sipping your coffee, until Connor finally broke the silence.

“So what happened?”

You sighed, setting your drink down on the floor beside you.

“Jared found out.”

“Found out what?”

“That I… y’know.” you gestured to your thigh.

“Oh. Shit.”

“Yeah.” you nodded.

“What did he say?”

You gave him a recap of the conversation, grabbing your (now cold) coffee to swallow down the lump in your throat as you did so.

“I mean, I know he’s my friend, but that was like, a total overreaction. I don’t get why he was being so… dramatic.” you shook your head, taking a sip from the mug.

“Uh, because he’s totally in love with you?” Connor said, as if it was obvious.

You sputtered, nearly choking on your mouthful of coffee.

“What?!” you coughed, whipping your head around to look at him. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Don’t tell me you don’t know.” he looked almost… amused.

“No, I don’t know. Because it isn’t true. He isn’t… he doesn’t…” you shook your head. “What even makes you think that?” you tried to ignore the burning sensation in your cheeks.

“Literally everyone knows. It’s so obvious. Like, painfully so.”

“I…” you didn’t know what to say. “Are you high right now?”

Connor narrowed his eyes at your accusation.

“No.”

“So you’re just delusional, then?”

“Seriously? I don’t know if you’re blind or just stupid.”

“Can we not do this right now?” you groaned,  dropping your head into your hands. “I’m kind of freaking out about whether or not he told my mom.”

Connor nodded and dropped the subject, offering a distraction instead.

_________

It was a little past 2 a.m. and you were curled up in the crook of Connor’s arm, four episodes into an X-Files binge when the coffee wore off.

You were off to his left, snoring softly, when he closed the laptop and grabbed his phone off the charger on his bedside table. He was going to turn off his alarm, figuring you’d want to sleep late after the night you’d had.

“Shit,” he whispered to himself, looking at the screen. There were twenty-seven missed calls and thirty-five progressively panicked texts from Jared, asking if he’d heard from you.

Connor slipped out from under the blankets and tip-toed out to the hallway to call him back.

“Hello?” Jared picked up on the first ring.

“She’s with me,” Connor told him, peeking back through the doorway at your sleeping figure. “fell asleep a little while ago.”

“Oh thank god.” Jared let out a shaky breath. “Is she okay?”

“She’s fine. Just freaked out.”

“I didn’t mean to upset her. I wasn’t thinking and I didn’t know what else to say and I fucked up and I’m just...”

“Worried because you’re completely love with her?”

The other end of the line was completely silent for a solid minute.

“Is it really that obvious?” he sounded almost defeated.

“To everyone but her, apparently.”

“Wait, what’s that supposed mean?”

“That she didn’t believe me when I told her.”

“You did what?!” Jared shrieked, causing Connor to pull the phone away from his ear, wincing. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you do that?”

“Because I was fixing your fuck up, so maybe you should thank me for it instead of shattering my eardrum.” Connor growled. “Maybe if you’d told her earlier I wouldn’t have had to.”

Jared was quiet for a moment.

“What did she say?”

“Like I said, she didn’t believe me. Which means you still have the chance to tell her yourself. Which you should probably do like, soon, because she’s currently asleep in my bed wearing my clothes and, until about five minutes ago, drooling on my chest.”

“What the fuck, Connor?” he could practically hear how red Jared’s face was.

“I’m just saying.” Connor smirked. “For real though, you need to talk to her.”

“I… I will.” Jared said, sounding apprehensive. “And thanks, by the way. For taking care of her, I mean. And for the advice. It… it means a lot.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t do it for you. She’s my friend and I care about her, so just… don’t flatter yourself.”

Jared usually would’ve had some kind of cocky comeback, but not tonight.

“Right, right. But still, um, thanks. I’ll call her tomorrow, I guess?”

“Good, yeah.”

An awkward silence filled the line.

“Well I guess, uh, I guess I’m gonna go to bed then.”

“Great. Me too. Just gonna go snuggle up with (y/n) and hold her in my big, strong arms.”

“You’ve got arms like Gumby, Murphy.” Jared quipped.

“Yeah, yeah. Fuck you too, Kleinman.”

Jared let out a breathy laugh.

“Goodnight, Connor.”

And with that, the call ended and Connor snuck back into his room and slid under the covers beside you. You stirred in your sleep, mumbling something about bees. Connor made sure his phone was off and leaned back against the pillows, closing his eyes and dozing off to sleep.

[xz017]

.

oof. okay so imma do the latest tea???

got out of shower to hear my mum talkin to Agnes spillin the tea abt their friend/coworker

the one with that Kid my mum wanted to have a playdate with or whatever the annoyingly studious and clearskinned halfasian lookin girl i really envied.

her mum has a live in boyfriend who is basically like...an alcoholic mental case rip god i hate alcohol and i hate people who drink it like i only do it so i hate myself more and die but like this guy basically playin with knives n guns in the house and the kid who is like 19 idk why im callin her kid is so Over it like apparently she hasn’t been coming home and like

basically me in 2016 era when my mum was too generous n Helpful lettin ppl back into our lives and our House so i spent christmas morning 5am walkin in the cold n watchin 3 films until it got dark and stuff like that

girl be actin homeless---mood

so it came to a head today so Agnes is spillin the tea n her husband in the bg(omg it weird hearin him rip he was my military hs instructor wild) n my mUM is so selfrighteous n mad like

‘blablahblah well rosalie is being dumb she should put her daughter first she being sick in the head it her Choice’

n im like eavesdroppin havin warflashbacks of the dumb hypocrisy she has DOne lmao

‘has she no thought like what if Tyler gets raped/sexually abused by that man she’d let her daughter be in that environment???’

i mean it wouldnt be fair of me to be like...eyemoji on this cos she technically doesn’t know? but 19 may 2018 never4get lmao

anyway so my mum’s like our room is for rent and it’ll be far cheaper they dont even have to pay rn!!!

cue me being like...um...Money...generosity...i dont...LIke

i was conflicted here like idk i met the girl like 3-5 times im envious of her work ethic n her better asian disposition than mine cos she obviously prettier but she has better prospects and that’d suck if her life be like that

but also??? like...life be like that it was like that to me like who saved me????????????????????? 

um...no one

like why is that on me or US TO BE NICE n helpful im so tired like damn which is relevant to the next point anyway

cos earlier had a convo with my mum i was eyemojing healthcare profs i was like ‘pls stop bein on ye phone pls tell me info on ye opinion on respiratory therapists...what abt PA’

n deadass she be eyemojing me like STICK TO YOUR COURSE

n i was like...-ugly pleadin emoji eyes- n i was tryin to explain that i didn’t want to be so focused on one thing that if i decide this medical thing is what i want to pursue i’d need 1-2 years just for the PREREQS which is like 5 classes and 1000 clinical hours or minimum 6 month healthcare paid job. like if i decide i want to go to school for that i already have the Stuff and just Apply.

n she was like...you had your chance i bothered you to be a nurse a few years ago you were stubborn if you did as i said you’d be earning good money now but you wasted time

n i was like...oof i can’t say anything to that it’s tru. it real life tea it fax i wasted time n im old n im ruunnin out of time i hate myself alot i hate hate hate

and idk we got to talkin abt money n life cos she was like you have to find something you can learn to LOve

n i was like??? WHY I GOTTA SETTLE N FOOL MYSELF TO DO SO im super annoyed abt that mindset

cos the thing about a bloody Arts degree is there’s too fuckin many broad possibilities n they all aint even that good. like deadass if i was a STEM major ugh like if i was a Bio major prospects are so clear: forensics, research, premed,labtech. Meanwhile polsci for example: uhhh teacher? prelaw? politician? uhhh government work? n there’s like 111 different subdivisions of that n it’s like??? wat the fuck

deadass what am i gonna do with international security is that even gonna pay well like...the fuck do i know is it relevant ??? Doubts

n she was all like...PEOPLE JUST GOTTA DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND YOURS N STICK WITH IT

n i was lowkey panique n frustrated cos i really REALLY hate being stuck in 1 ting n im like i HAD ACTING YOU SAID NO

n she was like pFF i wanted you to have something REAL cos if you dont make it in acting you’d be on the STREETS

n i was like...lmao lil did she know imma be on the streets next year smh this year actually

n she was like talkin abt the harsh reality of the workforce and how you gotta make do at how ppl treat you (patients) n how you might not even like your coworkers but you gotta deal with it because that’s what ppl do to survive

n she was talkin abt undeserving patients with no healthcare n i was like did you just hear yourself so you want them to die cos they dont got money and she was like 

no??? why get hooked up in the ICU when you’re braindead wasting government money taxes we payed for you don’t understand cos you dont have a job and dont get your salary cut cos of taxes and these people come in acting like they got something to give when they yell at your face acting like they know what they’re talking about they act entitled when they have nothing homeless ppl getting money and illegal immigrants are selfish bringing their kids to be hurt here

n im like...theyre life is ...shitty what are you talkin about n she was like so? why dont they stay and make it better??? one of my very first patients asked me why i was in america and i said i come from a poor country and they said why didn’t you stay and try to make it better? and i couldn’t say anything cos u know what they were right why dont illegal immigrants do that??? n im like...

cos theyre literally...RUNNIN and they want ppl they care abt i.e. children to be far away from that as soon as possible bruh ye think imma wait for change deadass there a reason why we suffer duterte he actually get shit done??? we dont have to wait for change the same way ppl who speak nice n are polite do but is stuck with bureaucracy and lowkey bein corrupt deadass stay in ye lane

n she’s like well i hope you’re right im done bein an idealist im a realist now i believed in good i wanted to help the world now no more

n im like...no you’re not a realist, you’ve just been hangin out with a republican

and she gave me a sideeye 

but deadass im ...scared like i really hate the empathy because when she was being serious n talkin n being honest abt things for once i started to unwillingly see things from her point of view i really felt it n i was scared i’ll be like that im scared she’s right

im scared i’ll end up Real n selfish like...i already am ? n bitter? like i care about so very few Personally and am willin to let others suffer to keep it safe n prioritised?

im scared.

like especially with racism all these years my mum’s been telling me it’s not that im racist just wait til you work with them they act so entitles and loud and make everything about race

n i almost told Her abt it earlier i skyped w her earlier we had a tea spillin moment about our ethnic relations bein racist but then idk we talked alot i guess the text got buried or unseen

like i said i was scared n didn’t get to unpack it like im scared because ive been livin with my roomate and like...ive been excusing it as a personality thing and that if it were anyone else different skin colour id still hate them just the same which i still maintain is true but like?

my RM is loud n she makes everything abt race like deadass me n my FM be just eating dinner and she passes by us and goes on a rant about harvard asians being a Blok to black ppl from getting There n im like...im tryna have dinner so i can get energy to deal with this stressful ass school

n she always talks like she knows what she’s talking about like ‘jewish ppl control the federal bank’ n im like...it 1am in the dark quiet of our shared room deadass i dont wanna tell the binch thats antisemitism cos she gonna be like im black how can i be racist smh

im!!! scared alright like i hate my roomate for proving my mum right when i try so hard to set things right like maybe that’s why i dont tell anyone about my situation other than Her. i never told my parents about the berkeley livin situation they already warn me enough to be careful n i just keep tellin them thats racist

i have so much........THOUGHTS n........DILEMMAS...n FEARS but like i just have this blog i cant trust anyone else to talk abt it n the only person i am willing to talk to abt it will be busy and im so ashamed abt these things but she was so sweet about givin me the heads up about her schedule 

like i hated that i had to get an ugly ass haircut today cos she came back to me n we couldve talked so i guess rip she was complacent n did stuff cos she replied late from then on like that dumbass haircut was 15 minutes ugh. our talkin pattern today was like...dashed lines timereply wise? i asked her if she packed earlier (pre haircut)n she said yes but rip a few hours later she was like...I need to pack 

wat is the truth rip

the tablet bein emo like...mood but my child rip.

my love be packin n spendin time with fam before leavin for london tomorrow

n even after that she doin...Stuff. rip.

which is ye know good for her rip.

i just hope she dont go iceskatin deadass one slip n she can crack her head open or break her neck or paralyse her spine like...??? why do humans wanna do dumb activities

like omg she admitted to me today she a serial jaywalker and WORSE with music n headphones like

binch thats why i didnt wanna enable you further by gettin ye airpods deadass bye

n she was like??? tryna equate it with my risky risk like ummm

mine is for science n validity

hers is just carelessness n chosin lazy convenience over idk...the responsibility of self vigilance like...

bruh ppl shouldnt promise someone 91 years if they be continuin to do dumb stuff consciously oof rip

but other than that like...im...really proud of this resolution she be undertakin officially on the 14th?

im nervous abt it cos i really want it for her too. i want her to get the proper sleep n i always hated her givin excuses like ‘IM FINE ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP’ ‘I NAPPED 3 HOURS 38293820 HOURS AGO IM FINE I MADE UP FOR IT’ um...blokt. get proper sleep binch i love you tf???

prioritise work cos ye gonna regret not givin it yer all??? n ye payin for this???

what fun??? we capitalists now we want that money rip.

i see that shift you know rip i saw it comin a year ago.

that dont mean we republicans rip we still care about others n the inequality? but like i foresaw us getting acquainted with the harsh reality of the world n how difficult it is to get a job--which she experienced along the way.

n rip she wants many things bookmarkin them n honestly same rip

i want a stable warm home for this family n a shiny diamond to get disassociated by extra im a simple man

meanin im selfish n im ready to prioritise meanin im ready to make the choice for others to fall apart/behind if it means puttin This first rip

god pls dont make me a republican this so ugly

# 1 she’d hate me #2 i’d hate me

now im sad

im dead.

omg rip earlier too as she said goodbye i told her i loved her and she was like ‘i love you more’

DEADASS I WAS LIKE LMAO!!! girL i dont think you understand im literally Ready to put you and our possible future First like...im not messin around what skitrips with rich ppl what friends my love is potent n extreme n COncentrated like im sorry ik you feel love for me but you cant top This rip she not ready 

like the um ‘partially wanna make my life’s work abt knowin what might hurt n kill ye so i can kill it first or blok it well’ kinda love

the ‘im already savin for at least HALF a first month deposit in an overpriced london in case you wanna settle down wit me Mayhaps n im not touching it for ANYTHING’ kinda love

the ‘im thinking of a winter home in the tropics so you suffer less n im plannin the floorplans already rip just in case’ kinda extraness

but anyways the gall of this cute lovely human rip ‘i love you more’ ummm try Again smh

bruh i love her too much i bet that’s scary for her rip it might be a Burden tbh she so young rip 

meanwhile im old n ready to rot but like...

i wanna be mortal wit ye before i do

but ye know wat lads i saw myself in the mirror today like 5 times OOF. this meatform...keepin me...Humble. 

bitter but like...humble

‘like of course sHe not ready not only is my personality like dis but also...my outward form how could she introduce me as a Spouse’

‘wow i look like that oof it good i remembered i am undeservin of full intense love like in the films n fanfiction they always between attractive ppl after all it only 1/2 it not Equal’

‘wow bruh ye really upset she spendin time n resources elsewhere when you be lookin like That? ye dont have much to offer bro take the L’

oof so that’s the personal tea i can think of?

had a meghan marke talk rip i can’t believe i was right??? i had twin vibes!!! but i was hoping for like a variety situation rip im worried a lil abt the whole birthin Late ting but she can afford the highest care rip it fine she rich.

my love was talkin abt how pretty MM was n i was like rip is she triggerin Her a lil rip worrirooni

rip speakin of babies like she was showin me this smol gummybear n im like same das me heart n she was like :( n i was like it only fits you

n she was like so no children then:(

n i was like!!! rip if it Ours of course that Counts n i was a lil shook like rip she said she didn’t want them Really so i always get guilty when i talk abt the future or realise i mentioned kids or carelessly name drop Hyaline n Benzion like...im dead rn just typin that like what if she read this big shame bro

but ye know what this is already long n she gonna be busy maybe that’s the key. TOo Much puts ppl OFF so ye mayhaps we sneaky ! ?

anyway i was tryin to get her thoughts on it rip but like she was all iDK ASK ME IN 13 Yrs n i was like...

sighemoji + sandemoji + resignedemoji

rip we talked FAaC a lil. cos she Dared!!! to liken me to her brother just cos i showed her my cheap youth boy shoes smh

At first i was super offended n disgusted but then i was like rip eyemoji if ye into that

then she was like ew nO

then i was like um ye already play the ‘daddy u like me young huh’ card

which is like idk is like technically? joking but it’s like that post ye know abt ppl bein ‘whether or not im actually jokin or flirtin depends if you into it’ but also like schrodingers racism like ‘it was a joke bro!!!’ but they actually bigots.

so it DIFFICULT for my brain to Confirm rip like...eyemoji what is the truth

but like??? im rip. willin. rip. to. rip. Try. rip.?

really i am rip. it Her. bruh. im only hopin she dont have a golden shower kink but. trust i...Will follow thru.

nO IM REMEMBERIN THE DOO DOO POST DESPAIR

rip anyway that whole thing reminded me of FAaC origins which was porn n then somehow sHe was like imagine if egggsy was a singer he’d sing like ‘age is just a number’ shit n i SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT A TING IN PT 3 im so weak sand

i miss the gays

i wanna give them justice n happiness but the 2027 excuse is rl nice for my ugly procrastination issues oof but i wish them well

add: rip had another talk with my mum i really wanted her to understand my thought process about wanting to get the prereqs for medtraining done beforehand

n she was like...I UNderstand but Normal people--

n i was like ‘IM NOT NORMAL I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE I HAVE NO IDENTITY’

n she’s just like SHOOKE n mad n clearly dont understand that im fukt up in the head ‘...IC AN’T BELIEVE YOU!!! iF YOU’RE ABNORMAL YOU WONT GET HIRED N YOU WONT HAVE A NICE JOB’

n im like...well i mean what can i say to that it’s not like it’s not tru rip

Big sand honestly.

it gonna be a long few days imma do my best to leave her alone she needs her time rip i love her so much rip sand

i feel like a dumb ugly dog god fljækadfkøad h8

[lostinthelightss]

literal chaos fire (ch.8)

amazing banner by @downn-in-flames​ / down-in-flames@FFT

find it elsewhere: fft | ao3 | ff.net | hpff learn more: chaos universe link to other chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 link to missing moments: 5.5, 7.5, 8.5, 15.5

pairing: Lily Luna Potter / OC genre: AU, Humor, Romance rating: mature audiences

summary:

Victoire Weasley is a masters student in infectious diseases handling a devastating break up with her girlfriend of two years. Lily Potter is a first year law student navigating a figurative minefield that is the star quarterback’s unrequited affection. Molly Weasley is pursuing her bachelors in engineering while pining over her best friend - who doesn’t seem to realize it.

Three women, three vastly different lives, all coming together with group chats, family dinners, and a whole lot of chaos.

chapter summary:

James [the older twin]: look, i just came out to have a good time James [the older twin]: and honestly im feeling very attacked rn James [the older twin]: also @Fred [the smart dumb one] are you not gonna say anything??

Fred [the smart dumb one]: lol yeah, fuck you james <3

OCTOBER 30TH, 2021

‘literal chaos fire' (psychiclilz, mollydramatic, VickyBaby) 9:39am

VickyBaby: still on for tonight?? VickyBaby: no one will know what hit em when we show up together

psychiclilz: yeah, but after last night i think im going easy on the drinks

VickyBaby: WHAT??? VickyBaby: its halloween eve VickyBaby: last year you called it ‘hoe christmas eve'

psychiclilz: hey i threw up again last night psychiclilz: i need one night off

mollydramatic: urghhh me too mollydramatic: not the vomiting part mollydramatic: the needing a break part, even if i probably wont

VickyBaby: you both went home hella early, wtf happened??

psychiclilz: i got a drive home after puking in the bathroom sink psychiclilz: it went 0-100 real quick

mollydramatic: *YOU* DID THAT???

psychiclilz: SORRY, I THOUGHT IT WAS BETTER THAN THE FLOOR

mollydramatic: THERE WAS A TOILET TWO FEET FROM YOU mollydramatic: ROSE MADE ME UNCLOG THAT

VickyBaby: ew, now im gonna vom

psychiclilz: call it payback for the couple costume

mollydramatic: bitch

psychiclilz: you know u love me

mollydramatic: ... mollydramatic: ugh i do mollydramatic: fine, i forgive you

VickyBaby: anyways, where'd you go last night mollz? VickyBaby: you usually dont tap out that early...

mollydramatic: just wasnt feeling it mollydramatic: oops, rose is calling! mollydramatic: haha, gotta go mollydramatic: talk soon! mollydramatic: see ya! mollydramatic: text me if you need me! mollydramatic: or dont, ill be busy mollydramatic: hahahhhaha

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Lily Potter, Victoire Weasley) 9:52am

Lily: she's acting really squirrely

Victoire: yeah, somethings off Victoire: kind of like you that night flynn picked us up... Victoire: what did happen between you two?

Lily: how am i supposed to remember? Lily: it was like 2 months ago Lily: psssh Lily: wow, like you remember all ur drunk nights Lily: get real vic Lily: you black out like the rest of us

Victoire: neither of you are good at hiding things Victoire: you know that right?

Lily: shut up, this isnt about me Lily: do you think it had to do with the angel girl? Lily: emily? Lily: and why she left early too?

Victoire: emerson Victoire: idk Victoire: if there was a fight over lysander, dont you think we wouldve heard?

Lily: yeah, you would think...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Lily Potter, Scorpius Malfoy) 2:07pm

Scorpius: you guys are still coming over tonight right?

Lily: why, are you planning another costume mix up? Lily: i dont think molly will let go of totally spies, so whatever she said, shes lying

Scorpius: i told you last night i had nothing to do with that Scorpius: you asked me not to get involved between the two of you Scorpius: and i havent

Lily: yeah but rose has

Scorpius: i have no control over rose Scorpius: she makes her own decisions Scorpius: i, however, will do whatever she tells me to

Lily: ur such a sub

Scorpius: hey, dont knock femdom til you try it

Lily: VOM Lily: I DIDNT NEED TO KNOW THAT

Scorpius Malfoy set his nickname to rosie's sub.

Lily: oh my god, i think i might actually have to astral project over there just to slap you Lily: *this* is what you break your nickname rule for??? Lily: THIS???? Lily: VOM

rosie's sub: rose would like me to tell you she knows it was you who puked in the sink

Lily: yeah, molly already gave me the third degree Lily: also she cant be okay with that nickname

rosie's sub: actually im fine with it -rose rosie's sub: he vetoed rosie's peggee -rose

Lily: VOM Lily: UGHHHHHHHH

Lily Potter cleared Scorpius Malfoy's nickname.

Scorpius: i thought it was funny -rose

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

‘literal chaos fire' (psychiclilz, mollydramatic, VickyBaby) 2:28pm

psychiclilz: Attachment: 2 Images psychiclilz: VOM

mollydramatic: WHY???? mollydramatic: WHYYYYYYYY mollydramatic: I LIVE WITH HER mollydramatic: I SHARE A WALL WITH HER mollydramatic: oh my god, can you faint from traumatic news? mollydramatic: im seriously light headed mollydramatic: if i die from a heart attack this is your fault

psychiclilz: I KNOW!!! psychiclilz: i actually almost threw up again

VickyBaby: ... VickyBaby: i dont think ill ever be able to look either of them in the face again

mollydramatic: and yet, we're expected to be there in like... mollydramatic: 6 hours

psychiclilz: i actually dont know if we should go psychiclilz: oh god what if shes wearing leather as part of her costume tonight psychiclilz: i will actually have a breakdown

VickyBaby: oh god, i actually just retched

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

‘old fogies' (Fred [the smart dumb one], Lily [ur 15mins older], James [the older twin], Molly [the dumb smart one], Rose [the granger], Vic [the science beb]) 8:38pm

Fred [the smart dumb one]: WOOOOO @Rose [the granger] tell ur bf we are heeeere Fred [the smart dumb one]: let me innn!!! Fred [the smart dumb one]: let me innnnnnnn!!!!!!

James [the older twin]: *shakes gate*

Rose [the granger]: calm down Rose [the granger]: buzz up - 265

Fred [the smart dumb one]: thaaanks rosie

Rose [the granger]: <3

9:14pm 

Vic [the science beb]: SORRY!!! Vic [the science beb]: it took a little longer than we expected Vic [the science beb]: plus there's no parking on scorps street

Rose [the granger]: buzz up - 265 Rose [the granger]: WAIT WHO TF IS DRIVING???

Lily [ur 15mins older]: after last night im taking a night off from drinking, so DD

Rose [the granger]: good, dont throw up in scorps sink

James [the older twin]: THAT WAS YOU???? James [the older twin]: OH MY GOD, THAT IS WEDDING STORY POTENTIAL!!!

Molly [the dumb smart one]: fukc yu james, i cleaned itt up, is my story

Lily [ur 15mins older]: yeah, fuck you james Lily [ur 15mins older]: dont forget i have access to all your baby photos Lily [ur 15mins older]: AND all the photos Fred sends in the group chat

James [the older twin]: look, i just came out to have a good time James [the older twin]: and honestly im feeling very attacked rn James [the older twin]: also @Fred [the smart dumb one] are you not gonna say anything??

Fred [the smart dumb one]: lol yeah, fuck you james <3

[richmegavideo]

ScHoolboy Q – Hands On The Wheel [Official Remix] Feat. A$AP Rocky, Ke'Ondris

I don't do drugs. ...... I am drugs

Twitter https://twitter.com/keondris

Soundcloud http://bit.ly/2XU5uyx

Bandcamp http://bit.ly/2GROUK4

-Ke'Ondris

Hands On The Wheel Lyrics:

[Intro] Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit Feeling lit, feeling light, 2 AM, summer night My hands on the wheel, uhh, fuck that

[Verse 1: ScHoolboy Q] Life for me is just weed and brews See the hoes flock to you when your name is Q Am I over-faded? Hell yeah it's true Turn a beat on, ain't no limit to what I can do See this Top Dawg in heat, but I'm a fuck the world I'mma be on tunes 'til God re-furls You sat me down, I'm still tryna get higher You looked at me stupid when I twisted the fire Meanwhile my nigga drunk as fuck A nigga fucked up, we all fucked up You done fucked up, I brought more blunts Smoke back to up, you niggas know what's up Too damn high, can't stand myself I love drunk driving, man I'm something else Heat on my side, you're more than welcome to melt I'm 'bout to finish a pound, you're more welcome to help

[Hook] Weed and brews, weed and brews Life for me is just weed and brews I fucked her once, then I could fuck her twice Yeah, you heard me right, I might fuck tonight

[Verse 2: A$AP Rocky] Wait hold up, back in this mothafuckin' bitch once again It's the pretty mothafucka with a 40 ounce of brew My nigga Q and we drunker than a bitch We gettin' millis mothafucka yeah, uh Nigga weed and brews, unbelieveable Got a freak or two, in my vehicle Got the purple drink, got the yellow drink Then we mix it up, call it Pikachu With a little bit of crack, little bit of dope Little bit of smoke, little coke Little weed, when they on them pills Little bit of E, little bit of shrooms Little bit of deuce, what it do, hand on the wheels And I keep the illest, trillest bitches while I'm swaggin' it Crush a bit, little bit, that's my pursuit of happiness

[Hook]

[Verse 3: Ke'Ondris] im so high up im this mother fucker can you please go get that white girl with tha phat ass that act black all of them better yet go get n got that black girl with bit tit & that act white like her friends bones crack ka lacking lacking lacking lacking lacking my snake is rat tat tat tat tat tat tattling She blowing me up like an atomic bomb in side a toxic factory why you mad at me wanna go underneath she undercover neva going any further wanna go & take ah hit of this weed and sip of this gasoline I cant believe what im seeing your ass 2 phat in them jeans so let me demonstrating mother renagade in between her cheek she make lemonade With my tangerines A tighter than a braid Commin back from tha super market with some grade A eggs!!!!!!!

[Hook]

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[shytiff]

May Small Wins

1 - lazed, went to racheel’s place and put my motorbike there, went to slipi jaya with silvi devi reza to watch seobok (it was fun!!), had iftar at the yumz green sedayu. It was raining when we get back. prayed maghrib and isya in some random mosque. went back and arrived at like 8 past sumn. showered, slept like a babyy

2 - lazed, slept and woke up at like 11, went to nila’s house, practiced doing eyeliner by borrowing nila's (focallure brand), iftar at green sedayu foodcourt (originally intended to go to the yumz but it enforces actual distancing) with angkot ppl minus tik will. Arrived home at about 9-ish.

3 - magang as usual. Went to rm. Took mrt to lebak bulus. My inaco salary finally came. My head kinda hurts after tarawih. Ended up skimming over bj alex lmaooo. Did not shower today lol,,,,

4 - added dr dafsah's revision to the excel database otw to rsf. Pak nardi took a while to arrive. Left rsf early to go to the bank. I (((finally))) activated m-banking lmaooo wow the features are neat wow im not jahiliah anymore. Found this method of just let it sweat anyway during tarawih lmaoo. Preferably with long sleeves bcs somehow you feel less of the sweaty feel compared to tshirt.

5 - sampling - data entry - RM as usual. Theres no new RM. Read a goood dramione fic by bex chan even if its not complete, its okay. Im okay :"))). Iftar was soup, salad, chicken katsu and french fries. Its been 2 days that i practiced sleeping-to-rain-sound. The first night was spent as a dreamless quick sleep (its over before you knew it), but tonight i dreamed abt almira's wedding lmaoo.

6 - no sampling today!! Still went to rsf tooo go to the mall w regen lmao. Did some data entry. Went to PP by mrt. Went back by going to halte gbk and thankfully the kalideres one arrived after only waiting for 5 mins. Its surprisingly quick, compared to lebak bulus - pesakih trip. Took abt 20 mins to jelambar.

7 - no sampling today too. Dr vera gave us lebaran cookies! Did gcp for bu suryati a5. Went to rm, finally finished the available rm. Went home early. Can finally relax since its the weekend.

8 - literally laid in bed til my body hurts. Rly want to read sumn but dunno what. Finally decided to read momoiro heaven. And rere hello. And after iftar i read lack of love. And just like tht, my saturday was gone. Cant bring myself to do things

9 - its another day of lazying (or self sabotaging, cant tell). Read spy family and its effin hilarious. Wasted my sunday. Cant bring myself to even move and i just laid in bed all day.

10 - last day of work in the weeekend lmao. Felt better than being in AR, but still not that much productivity. Went to RM. Phone call w fianti along the way to plan food in almira's bridal shower. Went back at 12-ish. Picked up my dress from risma busana. Walked to and fro halte kebon jeruk. Prayed zuhur close to ashar in kfc's mushola. Felt better after ~8k steps. Had homelab's green tea mixed with vsoy. It honestly made me feel better. Matcha, or caffeine, sure is amazing. At least i had a sense of normalcy before losing all the will to self-care

11 - consumed internet entertainment u til i was sick and tired of it. Watched a lot of cut videos. Granny came and stayed over. So i slept upstairs

12 - same as 11 but upstairs. More relatives came near iftar time so i excused myself to shower. Slept in mom n dads room at like 12-ish. Watched hp goblet of fire since keisha and karins newest obsession was draco. We squealed together over liking enemies to lovers trope haha,,,,

13 - Somehow all of dad's jakarta relatives came for lebaran. the last time i checked, there were some bridges being burned. prayed eid at home. watched perempuan tanah jahanam (which was surprisingly not scary). ate. napped. talked about personal things w keisha and karin. i cant believe the time has finally come where we talk about this kinda stuff. watched you’re next (it barely has any plot, just gore). they went back at about 8 pm and i just sleptttt yall lmao i didnt shower today. disgusting, i know

14 - cam barely get out of bed. Managed to shower at zuhur time. Watched dalbang and laughed like crazy bcs its just that funny. Read fanfics. Tiktok. Ate once and had greenfield yogurt at the evening. Fell asleep. Woke up at 1 and snacked on 1 pack of oat krunch

15 - run bts. Originally planned to go to flavola but it was still closed, so i went to dm's dunkin. Ordered orange juice and oeanut choco donut but somehow the price wasnt package price hhh. Turns out my clires account was somehow banned. So i contacted the admin. Instead of doing dr dafsah's excel i ended up taking off the makara sticker from my laptop. Bought some stuff for almira's bridal shower. Bought arirang at hari2 (its funny bcs yesterday i was seeing online marketplace, planning to buy it, but turns out hari2 the magical place had buy 2 get +1 deal for arirang.

16 - run bts. Managed to move my body a bit. Did 20 squats (ill elaborate on this later). That improved my mood. Tidied up some of my stuff. Saw the paper bag of random memorabilias by friends.

17 - went to rsf by tj. left kalideres 06:45 and arrived at RSF 8:15. sampling. went to RM (still no new ones). picked up by mom. went to salemba for almira’s bridal shower. originally planned to get padang at citra minang behind BK but it was closed. so we drove around looking for open ones. ended up buying it in a small (but crowded) padang place near a big padang restaurant lmao. was the first one to arrive at acacia. checked in, pulled the bed near the wall. showered. its hilarious sometimes with a bit more serious discussion anjayy. went home w febby who drove and clara

18 - went to mcd to get lunch (since everyone’s fasting) and tried to muster the will to do something. i didnt manage to do anything except shopping online (brought dusty pink hijab at hijup). got spicy chicken and iced coffee. (spoiler alert: tomorrow i got mencret2 lmaooo). read my suha and beyond the skidipapap its actually rly good

19 - went to RSF (with mom as usual. quickly snapped RM pictures while mom was waiting. went with her to mami’s house bcs she and uwak will fly to banjar. finally got to meet haekal, he’s such a smiley babyy its basically free therapy. planned outing with nisa lmao. from soekarno hatta we went to vintage vibes lmao since we’re already out. vintage vibes is more crowded now. and there’s less good findings now. went back emptyhanded. ate chicken arirang since there’s no food. fell asleep at like 06:30 until early morning lmaooo

20 - woke up at 2-ish am, played my phone, fell asleep at like 9?, woke up again at 11 lmaooo. went to sbux. had matcha latte. did some inaco work. todays the most productive ive been this week.

21 - went to gi with febby to also meet up with fi, bought falsies and glue (later proved to be of a horrible quality), siraman and pengajian almira (first time seeing an actual siraman), went to blok m w nes ren ara gen. Tried naruto takoyaki at little tokyo, went to daitokyo (i didnt eat anything), and got matcha cake, sakura and mango raspberry gelato at kebun ide. Picked up by mom. Renata gifted me bts 2021 winter package photocard 🥺🥺

22 - iluni internship webinar by dr naldo. Grabbed fried chicken master. Stupid time management etcetc made my start makeup at 12 (febby went out at 13:30). My falsies and hijabdo was done by herrr thank god for the help. Went to swissbel. Didnt take a pic w almira bcs time. Almiras wedding at damai indah golf pik. My skin was TERRIBLE at the wedding. The make up didnt stick prolly bcs of vitacid. Thank god for masks,,, went back home w febbyy. Made tiktok lmao

23 - lazed. Went to flavola. Its finally daytime caffeine again w kopsuscok. Did dr triya's translation work and finished it at home. She transferred the fee at like 11pm

24 - off to RSF with mom. no new medical records. wrote fuad’s name on the medrec borrowing form. continued to nisa’s place w mom. lazed, played w haekal, put some patient’s phone number on the inaco excel. Off to GBK with nisa and sarah. parked at abc field (shouldve parked near GBK’s H gate). saw moja museum 2.0, took lots of pics. mo paint (moral lesson: draw the background first!! not the foreground). finished at 16:30. ashar at masjid al-bina. nisa dropped me off at gbk tj station. prayed maghrib on the bus since the traffic was so ughh. met atikah in lippo puri. decided to eat seirockya so we walked to puri. talked about a certain someone along the way. we rly talked about it while walking until we arrived at seirockya. atikah treated me uyeyy since she and racheel will stay in depok for 2 weeks starting tomorrow. got the shoyu ramen and gyoza. took the taxi to atikah’s place. mom’s waiting there lmaoo i was like “noo dont wait at jco, just wait at atikah’s”. still felt energized that night in my bed. no sleepy2. like 100% awake. 

25 - woke up at like 9:30. i basically did nothing today. didnt even shower lmao (i showered last night). read the good teacher in one go. zoom meeting w dr eva. i rly need some structure in life, goshhh

26 - showered and went to mcd. got nasi uduk, breakfast wrap and milo for 26k (thanks mcd app promo and mcd duta garden’s menu machine, i dont have to interact with another human). planning to do dr dafsah’s excel after all the data is complete, and still no new inaco data, so i ended up.... online shopping at bobobobo....... (bought outer and white culotte). tidied up the writings on my stickies (plenty of words has accumulated). ordered onejai for emir juan (expensive!!! 79k no promo lolll but free delivery. i was baited by gojek’s 1k 2 week subscription and felt like hmmm i should get something since we live in the middle of nowhere and free deliveries felt significant at that particular time when im holding my phone lmao). fell asleep after drinking vsoy + matcha lol its soft caffeine no longer works i guess

27 - woke up late as usual, went to sbux at 1 pm. tried white peach matcha frapp. the peach overpowers and u can barely taste the matcha. tried to read something useful (in medicine) but skimmed 2 ppt and then i saw solid’s bitly for isip. finished reading banana fish. couldnt bawl my eyes out because im outside.

28 - checked out rsf. Still no new ones. Immediately went back. Lazed and wasted my time

29 - iluni webinar. Here comes the impending life crisis. Ate nasi uduk and mie goreng telor today. Tried vsoy golden grain with matcha. It has almond aftertaste. Line call with kris for almost 4 hrs until 11 past sumn pm.

30 - more iluni webinar. Dr Eric, SpPD, PhD was rly cool. Tried daily box (butter soy chicken). Quite tasty. Mkg w regen. Videocalled in the mall w silvi racil bcs its ale and nadaa's wedding today. Bought gooma 500ml matcha w gofood pickup discount. Ate sushi go (the shoyu has mirin btw). 50k+ you get 6 piece of sushi (2 salmon) and matcha cake and ocha. Quite a nice deal. Talked abt cryptocurrency lmao. Went back and forth w TJ. All hail tj

31 - planned to do at least some productive stuff at home. turns out nila is outside and had some time to spare. so we went out. i met her in citra 6. we went to pik’s white beach. its scorching hot since its 2 pm. spent like 15 mins there. we had wanted to stop by monsieur spoon but THERES A QUEUEEE even if its a hot afternoon. so we ate tom sushi at green sedayu. talked a bit afterwards in nila’s place and then i was picked up by emir. tried gooma’s matcha. its not sweet like sbux. approved by mom (who doesnt like sweets). but its more expensive than sbux’s 2L 100k promo lol. (45k after gopay pickup promo for 500 ml). reread bj alex lmaooooo found new tidbits