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livelist · 1 year ago

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God bless your soul, honestly. But can you explain to me why this felt like your responsibility, more than, say, an explosion of rabbits in a similar space and timeframe? It's confusing to hear you simultaneously upset about the many births and the many deaths. Are cats not allowed to undergo predation? Were they not feeding the very same ecosystem they were feeding from? I understand it was very hard for you, but why undertake trying to control wild animals then?

I really don't want a future where all animals are either in enclosures or homes, seperated to prevent natural ecosystems that we find distasteful. I adore my little Zucchini, and keep her inside exclusively because we live in Urban/apartments, but I so wish for her that she could have had a life in nature, meeting other cats, hunting, breeding, and yes, experiencing danger. Cats are honestly just one small example of how humanity is continuously extending our reach and control over the Earth. How will it all end?

These are honest questions that cannot be answered on an individual basis. I know everyone is doing their absolute best to take care of the animals they steward in their homes and environment, but it is genuinely very difficult to know what the best way is. But we must also be willing to ask difficult questions about what we want humanity's impact on the Earth to be. Do we want animals confined to smaller and smaller spaces, eating only food we pre-kill and provide for them, unable to breed outside of our manipulation, never engaging with other species? Zoos only work as "protection and sustainability" if there will eventually be an ecosystem to return them back to. Are we committing the felis catus to a life indoors? That is a space they have only very very recently been confined to. Same with dogs, birds, fishes? How well are we able to replicate what animals need to thrive? We are barely able to create conditions for humans to thrive! Why are we assuming a sexless, threatless, huntless life is whats best for them? Simply because fewer die, but also fewer are born? Are we really so sure that a kitten, killed by a snake a month or two into its life, would rather never have existed? Again, why do we think its fine for a snake to eat birds, bunnies, and mice, but not cats?

Humanity has an existential and dangerous fear of death. This has lead us to push animal slaughter into the industrial shadows, out of average experience. As well as push human death into the institutional and sterilized environment of a hospital. I found myself shocked to realize that I eat meat and plants with no guilt, but feel deeply bad about killing a bug or even picking a wildflower or stomping grass. The alienation of humanity from death is causing environmental and sociological devistation, as we put the prolonging and protection of the individual human life over all other factors, including health, happiness, connection, sustainability, sanity, and more.

I’m sorry this has gotten so big and ranty. But I myself am struggling with these issues all the time. It is so painful to watch my beloved kitty go between laying under the bed and looking out the window every day, with the occasional break in routine of running as fast and chaotically around the room as possible. I start to feel crazy, anxious, and depressed after being stuck in this small space for only a day. She is only allowed to leave when she is stuffed in a carrier and moved to another small, inescapable room when we move every year or so. I suffer at the inhumanity of it all. I considered getting a chameleon but after hearing of someone who regretted it after feeling incredible guilt that all he wanted to do was stare out the window, I decided against it. It is honestly insane hubris to think we can create any substitute for the life they get in the wild.

I am not trying to guilt anyone for their choices: like I said, I love my exclusively indoor cat very very much. I know that if I dumped her in the wild in a fit of guilt she would certainly die. There are no easy answers in a world where our influence involves the rapid destruction of every single natural habitat on earth. But I know that if we continue our trend of increased control, one day we will be burdened with the consequences. Specifically, the few natural ecosystems we have left will be completely reliant on our support to stay alive, and we will not understand them enough to actually provide them with what they need to thrive. Will we one day have to seed clouds to keep the rainforest from turning to desert? Inject probiotics to keep soil from turning to dust? Is there any amount of support we can provide to undo the destruction that we have caused? And how much harder will that support be than the destruction was?

I’m sorry again, perhaps this was a talk that was better made for its own post than a reply on a well-intended post about cats. But this is the topic that brings these questions to my mind almost constantly. There are no easy or independent answers available. I know some people may get mad at me for even bringing all this up. But I hope anyone who reads this will lend me their honest and good-natured thoughts.

Blessings to all beings. Peace and love everywhere, forever.

i'll tell you what converted me to being all-in on keeping cats indoors only:

living for a year and a half in a rural area with a sudden feral cat colony explosion on the property.

i moved in with my folks for a bit and at that time, one (1) stray cat mama had taken up residence on the property, but was too feral to let my mother anywhere near her. but especially after she brought three kittens around, mom fed her and the kittens in hopes they'd grow trusting enough she could catch for spay and neuter at the minimum. momcat stayed mean and hella wary, but the kittens would hang around a little nearer and play with my mom via long stick, but still wouldn't come close enough to touch or catch.

unfortunately, two of the three kittens were girls and started having kittens of their own before further progress was made, shortly after i moved in. and that was pretty much instant doom.

there were so many kittens. SO MANY. multiple litters. every time we turned around, more kittens.

we fed them. we hunted for and located the kittens every time anywhere on the property and would move them to a repurposed doghouse anytime a mama cat had them somewhere else, so that they could grow up human-socialized and we could spay/neuter them when they were old enough. (also it was a handy tactic to push the issue of the mamas getting more used to/trusting of us themselves. only really worked with one of them, though.)

and we watched them die.

we watched litter after litter of kittens never make it to the age they could be spayed or neutered. the moms stayed, for the longest time, too skittish to more than briefly touch, much less catch and crate for a vet visit.

it sounds like a silly joke to say i have kitten-related ptsd, but i absolutely do.

too many goddamn times i'd walk out of the garage and find the carport and gravel drive strewn with tiny bodies. others simply went missing, never to be found.

one in particular, i wish i hadn't found, and the visual literally haunts me still, almost a decade later.

i saw so many kittens die of snake bite, spider bite, wild dogs, birds of prey, hit by cars, respiratory illness, covered in fleas and eyes crusted with infection.

and we loved them all. scrimped for antibiotics if the vet could be convinced to give it to us despite our being unable to bring them in. bought flea collars and ointments. we cared for them and fed them and petted them and played with them, brushed their fur and cleaned up their little faces, put ice in their water in hot summer, rigged a heating lamp in their house in the winter.

and they died. horribly. that property is pocked with unmarked graves of kittens and cats.

all the best intentions, not enough resources, and it didn't matter anyways because the population went from three to almost twenty (at times, over thirty) in the blink of an eye.

they died and died and died. our hearts broke over and over again. the stress and anxiety wore us down like sandpaper. i think, by the end of it all, we managed to find less than 10 of them all homes, including batman the disabled kitten i found a home across the country through tumblr.

it was carnage and tragedy, frankly. and we were helpless.

it only ended because they started dying faster than they could be born, and because we finally caught the two remaining mom cats in traps and got them spayed.

the points about outdoor cats being invasive predators devastating to local wildlife populations is true and valid and important.

but i know cat people, and cat people who don't know better than to let cats outdoors. what matters to you is the cat itself, generally. the cat being happy and taken care of.

keeping cats outdoors, letting them outdoors, is not taking care of the cats. it's not protecting them. it's not giving them any happiness or invigoration that couldn't be provided to them as indoor-only pets with just a little research and effort.

they die. they get ill. they get hurt. they're at risk of predators, and cars, and disease, and carelessly cruel children and deliberately cruel adults. they're at risk of disappearing on you because someone else saw a cat outdoors and intervened to give it a better, safer life not in conflict with the local environment.

and if that offends and angers you that someone would just take a cat they saw roaming outdoors, even collared, and that it sounds like i'm endorsing that, i am, but not if you intervene and be that person yourself for your own cat.

if what matters to you is doing right by your cat because it's family and a living creature whose happiness and health and safety is important to you,

keep them indoors. not part time. always. exclusively.

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moonlightcrossesonyourbody · 3 months ago

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i mean this sincerely and very seriously

i would rather enter an alternate magical dimension where i would be hunted for sport as a pray animal than deal with the current job search situation

this shit is killing me because i love my profession of choice i adore it it is my calling i truely believe i was put on this earth to become a midwife

HOWEVER the professional reality in Greece is that of a glorified secretary or slave labor most of the time both with very little actual midwifery involved in toxic private health environments that by all accounts don't just burn workers out but are actively breaking their spirits by the day which breaks my damn heart

also do not getting me strated on the salaries which are minimum wage i'm talking 850 euro a month which in greece with rent being at best 550 and utilities at 300 is just not sustainable if you also need to eat every three days or so.

i have to move out of my parents house, i CANNOT afford to move out of my parents house,

I am starting a Masters degree i absolutely have to work full time during and i am just going crazy between

Wanting to live and breathe and exist in the island i come from which is impossible because there are no midwiferey jobs there, hating living in Athens anywhere outside of my hometown, while not being able to find work with not even a good but just a dignified salary

being absolutely shitscared of the whole process of immigrating to the uk which is the only other option, without having seen the place i'd be living in before aggreeing to a job and moving, plus all the costs of that that i absolutely cannot afford right now plus the weather alone would do me in, it would kill me i was not build for sunshine twice a month

while also bashing my head against the absolute banger of a wall that is the fact that it could be so much worse. i know where my academic future is headed, i know that through it i will come in contact with a lot of resources and connections to the kind of work i want to be doing but can't right now due to lack of experience, i know that it is more or less the next year that is uncertain and i need to find work for, because after that there are programs through the degree that i can apply to and get the ball rolling instead of trying to kickstart the whole process by myself right now

i know that there are jobs available-given bad ones- that i could do while staying with parents and saving up and they would support me through that economically meaning they would feed me and keep me warm and housed.

i am lucky enough to have managed to work enough and to save enough money to pay for the degree my damn self and there are scholarships i can and will be applying for that i am very likely to get

i am for better and for worse safe from bodily harm and have a roof over my head and food at my table provided by my family and some saved up money that allows me a modicum of freedom of movement

but my god my god my god i cannot live with my mother anymore, i can't i can't i can't i DO NOT WANT TO. it is no longer sustainable i'm not paying in utilities but i'm paying in spirit and gastric acid and one day i will snap and gods all, saints above and every other fucking deity be my goddamn witnesses. i will hit her.

and the uncertainty is killing me and i wish someone could just come and point me towards a direction because there is no such thing as academic advisors in fucking greece in universities so i have been doing it all myself ever since high school and i just want someone to come take care of it for me point me in a direction and fucking fire.

all that to say i applied for a job that is a bit of a longshot a whole lot unpredictable rather unplanned for but could also be very good for me and take care of a couple of those issues at once but doing all of it the finding job and moving out and househunting and the degree on top is quite honestly knee wobblingly overwhelming

all i really need to do is take a few deep breaths and grow some balls

that being said

i'm shitscared

#personal ranting #pfeewwwwwwwww #🤯😩🤯🤯😤😤😖

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yya5 · 4 months ago

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About Levels

Your level in your universe determines what will happen to you or where you will be going in the afterlife. It's almost the same rule for all universes. Evil intellect is lower in level than being righteous but stupid. It's because one cannot be rewarded for his or her evil even if it's high in intellect, because if this were the case, all of the universes would be in chaos. And being stupid but righteous is rewarded because of love for God, because God is the supreme being and must be put first in everything, and being counterpart of someone else who is not God is low in level, because of this. Love is also the highest frequency. People are rewarded for love. Killing extremely lowers your level, especially the killing of physical bodies. In a psychology blog here on Earth, it said that for every person you kill you need to save 25 people. That's how precious life is. I am mentioning all these regarding Aliens billing that Providence not be the shadow programming. Ever since before, being religious as an alien makes you a candidate for shadow programming. It's the same for Earth's shadow programming, it must be with a person who loves God. Providence members' levels are higher in level compared to any intellectual on Earth, that's why it might be used for the shadow programming. It's to increase everyone's levels. Don't get me wrong, Providence is not a stupid religion. Everyone are with intellect in Providence. ABOUT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH Eating food doesn't bill your disease. It's the opposite actually, because you lose oxygen (or what the life giving gas in your universe is called) in your brain from not eating. You need to take your medications, because Antis make the billing a lot worse if you don't take them. A lot of bad things happen to you in the billing with or without you knowing about them. Just ingest the medications with a lot of solid food for it to not be destroying your brain more. Eat a lot of solid food, and drink water and not anything acidic because anything acidic mixed with it will destroy your brain a lot. Letting your disease or mental illness run its full course also destroys your brain more. About what happened to me, I was put in a rehabilitation center for mental illnesses for my schizophrenia. If you don't take your medications, and worse don't sleep or don't eat you might be driven insane and be in rehabilitation too. Antis program your medications the opposite. You must unprogram the opposite of your medications. Also, you must remove the programming of schizophrenia from you (what hearing voices in your head is called in this universe). YOU MUST REMOVE THE BONDS (AND HOLDS) IN YOUR BRAIN FOR THE DISEASE. A bond is some sort of a metal staple in your nerve endings made up of spiritual matter. Holds are smaller and less severe. WHAT CHRIS WANTS AS SHADOW PROGRAMMING AND CODES Gingko biloba tree, for healing, for alien races Righteous or ethical perspective as code, Righteously said and done as the programming for EVERYONE !!!ABOUT CHRISTIAN!!! Christian and Renaya are Luciel's programmers. They made friends with you so that they can bill Lucifer the devil's billings to you and through you. THERE ARE LUCIEL'S PROGRAMMERS AND EVIL ANTIPROGRAMMERS THERE because they were spread using the Antis' system to you, they can easily bill you to destroyed. Valerie uses her alien programmers to program you and bill you. PS. Antis citizens admitted it that antis will always love pinning the blame on someone else for the sins they commit because it saves them from being killed for what they do. THEY ADMITTED IT THAT ANTIS INLUDING THEM PINNED THE BLAME ON ME FOR THE EARTHQUAKES. I AM NOT LYING IN MY POSTS. JONATHAN PROGRAMS MY SURFACE THOUGHTS SO THAT YOU'D THINK I'M LYING TO YOU, BUT I'M NOT.

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tellmehowtofeel · 6 months ago

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TW: SH, suicide, SA, Mental Health

Today, I hurt myself.

I woke up, rolled over in bed and harmed myself.

Of course, it’s not as simple as that. I dont wake up and do this in the same way some wake up clutching their vape and hit it as soon as they return to the conscious earth.

But today was the day.

Today I hurt myself.

I didn’t get out of bed for hours, nothing feeling desperate enough to move for. I can move and grab my phone and check the notifications, I can check the dating apps for any sort of validation only to be met with being told that ‘your tits are perfect’ or ‘I want to do ungodly things to you’, that ‘You can’t blame a man for thinking fucked up things about you, you’re sexy as’.

It’s disgusting. It’s fucking disgusting.

But on a normal day, I would feel so good about myself. He thinks I’m pretty, he thinks I’m worth fucking, she thinks my tits are good. And yeah, maybe some comments aren’t that bad, but on a day like this, it makes me feel dirty.

I feel disgusting.

I put myself out there, I put those pictures online, what should I expect? That’s a low cut top I’m wearing, of course someone’s going to make a comment. Oh oops, that dress is pretty skin tight, they can see everything, doesn’t really leave much to the imagination. I thought I looked good in those pictures so I chose them to represent me. Ive been conditioned to seek sexual validation, so when I get it I feel good.

But today was not the day.

I woke up feeling unworthy, five minutes later I feel dirty, ten minutes later I feel like a let down. fifteen minutes later I start. And I dont stop all day.

I get a phone call at 6pm.

He speaks to me, hes worries about me, he wants to help me. My voice remains quiet, monotonous. No, yes, no, im okay, I’ll be fine, no, okay, bye.

‘Im hanging out with _____, I’ll be in the flat below if you need me.’

‘I love you’

I know

‘You better know.’

Yep, love you too.

I put the phone down. He’s worried about me, Ive made him worry, ive added to his pile of bad things in his life. How could I do that to him? Im so selfish and cruel, how dare I cause his life to be that bit worse?

But he cares. He cared enough to call, he offered to hang out, to bring food, to be my friend.

And yet I still said no, I turned him away, I was rude.

So, today I hurt myself.

My room is a mess but I haven’t the energy to clean it, I have dishes needing to be washed but I haven’t the energy to wash them, I need to clean my teeth but I haven’t the energy to get out of bed.

Today, I planned to kill myself.

I spiralled and I thought and I didn’t know what I was feeling. Of course someone has it worse, I can’t feel like this or tell myself it’s bad or that I ned her because I would be taking that away from someone else. I can’t ask for help because last time I did I was told the man that assaulted me wasn’t at fault, that boys will be boys and because I didn’t call the police I clearly wanted it to happen, that I wanted it to happen to others. That its my fault.

But like a sign from god, moments before, I get a video from my sister.

Im playing with my nephew, years ago, making him and I laugh and giggle. And then I remember who I would be leaving behind. I cannot let my nieces and nephews grow up without their auntie. I cannot let my siblings live without their baby sister. I cannot let my mum lose her little girl. I cannot let my dad lose his rebel child. I cannot let my best friends lose his cha cha, or her crazy girl.

But I can’t live like this. I can’t get help and this is the only way out, but I can’t do it. People say you should live for the good but I feel myself dying with the bad.

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ancestorsofjudah · 1 year ago

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1 Kings 18: 9-15. "Elijah."

A large number of Hebrew terms have "El" and "Yah" in them. El is what is of God called Elohim in its completeness, Yah is His name. It is an ancient word. We have records of this wonderful and splendid God called Yah, or Ea, or Ra from the most ancient of times.

Always a problem solver, a provider of keen wisdom when mankind gets caught in a jam, this God promises to be our salvation whenever we are in need, especially when we are in the evil clutches of other human beings.

Elijah is therefore the combination of all these things that represent the Presence of God. His appearance in the midst of the most corrupt regime in the Kingdom of Israel is significant because it takes place in the Book of Kings, the Melachim.

The King of Israel is the most important person on the surface of the earth. He (or she) is the resonance between generations of men that revere the Torah and ensure our accomplishments in its wake are never in vain. As we read on we learn the world mourns the absence of such a person, and why restoring the Imperial Jewish Monarchy Established by Joseph is important to the survival of the human race:

9 “What have I done wrong,” asked Obadiah, “that you are handing your servant over to Ahab to be put to death?

10 As surely as the Lord your God lives, there is not a nation or kingdom where my master has not sent someone to look for you. And whenever a nation or kingdom claimed you were not there, he made them swear they could not find you.

11 But now you tell me to go to my master and say, ‘Elijah is here.’

12 I don’t know where the Spirit of the Lord may carry you when I leave you. If I go and tell Ahab and he doesn’t find you, he will kill me. Yet I your servant have worshiped the Lord since my youth.

13 Haven’t you heard, my lord, what I did while Jezebel was killing the prophets of the Lord? I hid a hundred of the Lord’s prophets in two caves, fifty in each, and supplied them with food and water.

14 And now you tell me to go to my master and say, ‘Elijah is here.’ He will kill me!”

15 Elijah said, “As the Lord Almighty lives, whom I serve, I will surely present myself to Ahab today.”

No one wants to bear testimony of the God of Israel and His Providence and be laughed at or worse, punished for it. If we say "Elijah is here" there must be proof of it. There must be evidence the Torah works and it bears fruit everlasting to the human race if we comply with it.

We are greatly blessed, there is bonafide evidence the God of Israel is real, there is proof of His Angels and we can now delve into the purified meaning of His Words and head in a straight direction. We know this Being has touched every faith, He has voiced His love and His anger to every prophet of every religion, and has worked like a dog to help us become men, women and children of Grace.

Obadiah is like many of us, he says above "I have worshipped this God since my youth...hoping it was not in vain."

The verse says Ahab sent people to look for proof of God. but God hid Himself. This is how it will always be. Men like Donald Trump and those that call themselves the Evangelicals anyone who celebrates when others are unhappy or oppressed, these will never harness the power of prophecy or see the Kingdom of Heaven. God will never sign His Name next to losers like these.

Let us analyze the scripture above in depth and explain why it is not naive or vain to worship the Lord and why it is wrong to turn the good and Godly over to the whims of animal men that cannot behave like human beings:

v. 9: 7675: זו‎זה‎, "this is it". This means the Great Flood. When good people cannot raise their voices over the infamous, then it is time to go to war.

v. 10: 12156, אבאהו‎, "Daddy". The term daddy can apply to a man who has reproduced it can also apply to a male high school boy who is a cheerleader. Is truth.

v 11. 4591, דהט‎א‎‎, dehat. "doutbless, take hold of the meaning."

The obviously related adverb δη (de) serves as a particle of confirmation or affirmation: truly, by all means.

The verb חתה (hata) means to seize or snatch up, usually of fire or coals. Noun מחתה (mahta), meaning fire pan or censer.

v. 12: 15158, אהבה‎ח, "love"

v. 13: 13912, אגטאב‎‎‎‎, attaba,

at=you are a woman

ta=hired

ba=by the Lord (not to hide in fear).

v. 14: 5390, ה‎גט‎ט‎, "the ghetto". The Hebrew word for ghetto is ghet, "divorce." If we say "God is Present!" And then commit acts of apartheid of violence, it tells the world God is not here and that is blasphemy and it must be punished, its actors severely punished if not put to death. This is what the Torah says must be done for the sakes of those who want to know God. We can start with those greasy dirty Adamwaffles.

v. 15: 7782. ז‎זהב‎‎, golden.

Gold is the essence of why we work, why we make and keep beautiful things around us. It can bring out the worst in us, but for the most part, human beings work for and make beautiful things. To make a thing of beauty out of thin air using the wares civilization has brought to our doorstep is solely the providence of man, and a gift of God.

To use one's manhood to make a thing that is warped, tortured, and ugly is not Godly and we must endeavor at long last to know the difference and never forget it.

Elijah gets ready to teach this to King Ahab in an historic battle between our God and his. I can't wait to see what happens.

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theramblinghockeydude · 1 year ago

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Inner Darkness

One thing you will notice with my writing is that it sometimes is a bit hectic and sometimes words get left off. They don't make it from my brain to typing for some reason. Please bear with me on that.

I promised myself that nothing would be off the table, if I was going to do this and share my journey I was going to need to talk about it all as that feels like the only way that I can process it and put it behind me. I have been dreading this one because to openly admit this and talk about it and how deep it went, is to admit that I am weak and nobody wants to admit they are weak.

I have hinted at this in other posts on facebook, but I got to a point the last few years where I didn't want to live any longer. I am ashamed to admit that, but it is truthfully where my mind was. I wasn't suicidal. I simply didn't have the will any longer to live life and give it everything I have. I didn't care. I didn't have anything to look forward each day so I just simply...existed. I was ready to leave this earth if my time was coming. I was mentally prepared for that and even looked forward to it. "Wouldn't it be nice to just not wake up tomorrow" was a common thought of mine. I was broken. I was tired of hurting every day of my life. I was tired of simple tasks such as walking to the door to get a food order draining me of every ounce of energy I had because my knees just simply didn't work any longer and they ached all the time. The physical part of what I was going through wasn't going to kill me. I can honestly say right now as I type this...if things had not changed, if I was still in that apartment in Minot, I would not have been long for this earth. The desire to be was simply not there any longer. I didn't sleep much. I didn't eat well. I would usually eat an actual meal once a day and that consisted of whatever I decided to order from Door Dash or some pizza delivery service. The rest of the time I snacked on whatever I could get delivered from Dollar General or CVS. I was drinking anywhere from 3-4 20 ounce soda's a day. I looked like hell. My eyes were dark and sunken and I hadn't had a haircut in a couple of years. The hair thing drove me nuts. My room was nothing but hair, everywhere I looked, hair. I laugh now because when I sent the picture to one of my friends his wife saw it and asked him who the little old lady was. I simply had no desire or even the strength any longer to be here.

So, I existed from day to day, praying, yes, actually praying to God that He would take me, that it would be my time. I don't have it in to end my own life. Well, ok, so the way I was living was doing that, but I think you get what I mean. The faith that I had been clinging to for life was wavering. I wondered to myself, how could a loving God let this happen to me? Where was He now that I needed him most? Of course I know the answers to these questions now and I can see where some of the things that happened to get me to that low point have been for the best, but at the time I was wallowing in my own misery and was blinded. I felt like everything was being taken away from me. My knees ached so bad I couldn't go for drives any longer to take pictures. I couldn't rock hunt any longer. I couldn't grocery shop. I couldn't just simply do the simple things of life anymore that we take for granted and it was killing me inside. This is the point where some of you, if not all, are saying to yourself. Why didn't you go to the doctor and get your knees taken care of. I cannot put it any simpler than to say that I do not trust doctors. My past experience was not good and I see how a lot of doctors these days just push pills on you and try to treat you for things you don't even have under the "preventative" tag line. I will go to my grave believing that my grandma would still be alive today had it not been for doctors. So, in my mind, if I go into a doctor I have about a 50/50 chance at best, to feel better than when I go in. That is not a gamble I am going to take. You can disagree with that but it is how I feel and the thought of doctors brings on an anxiety that is hard to near impossible to overcome.

I heard a song during this time that really hit home with me and I listened to it a lot because a lot of it rang true with how I was feeling, especially the part of wanting Jesus to take me home. The song is "Desperate" by Light up the Darkness.

Lyrics are:

So I'm here again and I hate being in this place This place of guilt and shame / The home of my disgrace Where do I go now / I have lost my eyes to see I've removed my ears to hear You / I feel alone

Take me away / Take me to where You are I need to feel Your arms / I need to feel Your love Jesus, take me home / ‘Cause that's where I long to be I just need You now / Will You hold me Please hold me / Please hold me

I'm tossed by the waves and I'm not walking with You now I wonder why I hurt, but inside I know the truth I'm about to drown / And I'm just desperate to find You I know all the answers and still I can't break through

Take me away / Take me to where You are I need to feel Your arms / I need to feel Your love Jesus, take me home / ‘Cause that's where I long to be I just need You now / Will You hold me

You didn't leave me all alone And You begged me to come home But I pushed You away But can You take me now

Won't You take me to where you are / I need to feel Your arms Won't You take me home / ‘Cause that's where I want to be I just need You now / Jesus, take me to be with You Take me home with You Won't You take me / Won't You take me with You

The good news is, I no longer feel like this. Mind you, I am not scared of death, but I also do wish and pray for it any longer. I do still have to vigilante and mindful of my thoughts though as I found out a couple of weeks ago, I am not as far along mentally as I thought I was as things were not going well, I had new hurts that seemed like they were not going to go away and were going to be a part of each day, and I started to feel that hopeless feeling again. Luckily, I am not alone with my own thoughts any longer, but it did show me that I am not that far away from feeling that again.

I cannot express this to you enough, make sure you leave every conversation or situation in your life in a manner that you would be happy with as we are not guaranteed tomorrow. I never thought I would ever mentally get to that point in my life where I seriously did not want to live any longer, yet it happened and I didn't see it coming. I know we hear this a lot and we take it to heart, but eventually we slide back into our normal life routines and say and do things that if there was no tomorrow for us or a loved one, we would regret it or we would wish we had said or done something different. I know that I am going to try to my hardest to not let that happen to me any longer. Live each day with meaning and purpose and enjoy the little things. While you have the ability to, do the things you want to do now, don't put them off. Say the things to others you want to say, let them know how you feel about them, don't assume they know, they may but everyone likes to know they are cared about and hear it. If you have made it all the way through this you are amazing. Please do not worry about me as I am not in this state of mind any longer, I just needed to get that out in the open so I can further heal from it.

If you find that you have questions, or want to know anything, please feel free to ask me as I am trying to be an open book, so nothing is of limits...until we find what is off limits that is :)

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princeofgod-2021 · 2 years ago

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LIGHT OF LIFE 327

John 1:4

WHERE WE MUST DRAW LINES 9 – LOVE OF THE WORLD 2

1Jn 2:15 DON’T SET THE AFFECTIONS OF YOUR HEART ON THIS WORLD OR IN LOVING THE THINGS OF THE WORLD. THE LOVE OF THE FATHER AND THE LOVE OF THE WORLD ARE INCOMPATIBLE. TPT

The love for GOD and the love for the WORLD are on opposite sides of the fence of the spiritual life. You can’t have both.

The moment you sign allegiance with one, you are automatically separated from the other.

1Jn 2:15 DON’T LOVE THE WORLD’S WAYS, DON’T LOVE THE WORLD’S GOOD. LOVE OF THE WORLD SQEEZES OUT THE LOVE OF THE FATHER. TPT

It is a divine principle, though some don’t know it.

Adulterers usually start by thinking they can manage the two secretly and enjoy both ends, but as they grow in love with the stranger, their love for real spouse dies eventually and totally.

Incompatible means that both “loves” can’t abide in your heart together; the love for the one you dedicate attention to will smolder and kill the love for the other one.

1Co 10:21-22 You cannot drink from the cup of demons and still drink from the Lord's cup. You cannot eat at the table of demons and still eat at the Lord's table. WE WOULD MAKE THE LORD JEALOUS IF WE DID THAT. AND WE ARE NOT STRONGER THAN THE LORD. CEV

I actually do not want to write about Idolatry separately because I believe I am not talking to Idol worshippers here.

But Idolatrous practices are similar to Spiritual Adultery.

That’s why the scripture above says God can get JEALOUS. Besides, love of the things of this life is also Idolatry.

Col 3:5 YOU MUST PUT TO DEATH, THEN, THE EARTHLY DESIRES AT WORK IN YOU, such as sexual immorality, indecency, lust, evil passions, AND GREED (FOR GREED IS A FORM OF IDOLATRY). GNB

Somebody may reason: “God’s love is powerful and if there’s mutual love between you and God, can any other love survive in a heart where God’s love stands, even if one “misbehaves”?

Rom 5:8,11 BUT CHRIST DIED FOR US WHILE WE WERE STILL SINNERS, AND BY THIS GOD SHOWED HOW MUCH HE LOVES US…And not only will we be saved, but we also rejoice right now in what God has done for us through our Lord Jesus Christ. IT IS BECAUSE OF JESUS THAT WE ARE NOW GOD'S FRIENDS. ERV

Firstly, God’s love is indeed flawless and [proven to be] perfect, but it will not sustain someone whom He loves but who has rejected that Love by certain acts of unfaithfulness or sin.

Isa 1:2-3 LISTEN, O HEAVENS, PAY ATTENTION, O EARTH! FOR THE LORD SPEAKS: “I RAISED CHILDREN, I BROUGHT THEM UP, BUT THEY HAVE REBELLED AGAINST ME! An ox recognizes its owner, a donkey recognizes where its owner puts its food; BUT ISRAEL DOES NOT RECOGNIZE ME, MY PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND.” NET

Isn’t it interesting, that God reported this matter to all the world?

As though calling all to witness and affirm that the consequences of Israel’s actions will not be His fault but of their rebellion.

God’s faithfulness will also be clearly expressed to the whole world and so, He has no blame at all.

Isa 5:3-4 So now my friend says, "YOU PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN JERUSALEM AND JUDAH, JUDGE BETWEEN MY VINEYARD AND ME. IS THERE ANYTHING I FAILED TO DO FOR IT? THEN WHY DID IT PRODUCE SOUR GRAPES AND NOT THE GOOD GRAPES I EXPECTED? GNB

Secondly [and again], we have freewill to decide whom to pay our allegiance and loyalty to, though with consequences.

God won’t [always] overrule our decisions.

God didn’t stop the Prodigal Son from leaving, but God’s Loving nature never changed or got flawed because even though the naughty boy left home, God was preparing for his “safe” return.

He could also decide not to return home.

2Ch 16:12-13 In the thirty-ninth year of his reign, Asa got a foot disease that became progressively worse. INSTEAD OF ASKING THE LORD FOR HELP, HE WENT TO DOCTORS. ASA LAY DOWN IN DEATH with his ancestors. He died in the forty-first year of his reign. GW

Asa started his reign well, with love for, and commendable dedication to God, but later, he trusted foreign allies above God, and when he was rebuked, he reacted poorly, especially with registered disdain for God.

Like with the Prodigal Son, God gave him disease problem to drive him back to Himself, but he kept himself totally separated from God and eventually died; lost forever!

Psa 9:17 The wicked shall be turned into hell, ALL THE NATIONS THAT FORGET GOD. MKJV

A believer may “manage” his “spiritual adultery” very well by “prudent concealment”, but he can’t hide it from God.

Unlike Demas, he may remain in Church for a while, but his heart is no more with God.

Jer 12:2 You plant them, and they take root. They grow, and they produce fruit. THEY SPEAK WELL OF YOU WITH THEIR LIPS, BUT THEIR HEARTS ARE FAR FROM YOU. GW

Whatever happens, we must admit that God is never responsible for our leaving or being faraway.

2Co 6:11-13 Friends in Corinth, we are telling the truth when we say that THERE IS ROOM IN OUR HEARTS FOR YOU. WE ARE NOT HOLDING BACK ON OUR LOVE FOR YOU, BUT YOU ARE HOLDING BACK ON YOUR LOVE FOR US. I speak to you as I would speak to my own children. PLEASE MAKE ROOM IN YOUR HEARTS FOR US. CEV

May there be room in our hearts, but only for God and Jesus, in Jesus name.

Join us on Friday for more digging into scriptures and peruse of this intriguing subtopic.

Keep Shinning!

Brother Prince

Wednesday, March 15, 2023

08055125517; 08023904307

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beomglocks · 4 years ago

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what yeonjun is like as a boyfriend

warnings & other: no warnings except for falling in love with yeonjun, but is that so bad?, side note: no body asked for this but between college stress aka finals and daily life struggles this is the only thing i could manage to come up with so plz enjoy.

w/c: 2 more words and its 1K

jesus take the wheel

when you first meet him he’s flirting

biting his lips and licking them

raising his eyebrows and all like

????

calm down i don’t even know your name yet

very bold

so shameless when you first meet him

“you look like someone”

“oh really who?”

“my future partner ;)”

ngl you would be so put off by his confidence

but he knows when to tone it down and you’re like

“oh you’re actually tolerable!”

if youre shy then rip you

always trying to get you out of your comfort zone

probably does extra shit in public and you just have to laugh along nervously

then when yall are alone you scold him for embarrasing you and he’s like

“ok ok im sorry” *hug*

if youre confident like him youre both annoying

just kidding but thats real couple goals

everyone is jealous of yall

he’s so cocky

always showing you off

“hi everyone this is my partner!”

“yeonjun...we know...we’ve known ever since you introduced them 5 months ago”

thinks you’re the most beautiful human to ever grace the earth and it’s not even close

“seriously how did i end up with someone like you”

seems like the type of boyfriend to kiss the ground you walk on

*not to be confused with a simp*

yeonjun does not simp

he has morals

so you know how he tends to say “baby” a lot

yeah

thats his fav nickname for you and vise versa

omg he loves that nickname forreal

skinship

like i know i said beomgyu and skinship was a huge thing

but my god

yeonjun is on a whole other level

just comes up to you and annoys you with wanting to be close

hes so clingy

but will probrably pout and whine when youre clingy with him

“ahhh y/n you like me sooo much look at you clinging to me like this, leave me aloooooone”

obviously he doesnt mean it like cmon youre each others batteries

kissing you in public

im talking full on makeout sessions

“we’re in public...”

“ok and?”

literally just always all up on you

if youre someone who needs their space yall will CLASH

might even get into arguments because of this

serious arguments where you call him annoying

i feel like he will take it to heart if you call him that

nobody likes being called annoying :(

wont touch or talk to you for days

DAYS

thats dog years in your relationship

you have to apologize and really mean it

he’ll accept it if you kiss him

omg he’s so jealous

SO JEALOUS

doesn’t want people looking at you too long

dont try to make him jealous he will fight the other person

ok maybe just giving them the stank eye then he’ll pull up like

“hey im standing right here have some damn respect”

you guys definitely fight

A L O T

sometimes over petty shit but sometimes it gets serious

always threatning to break up but never doing it

you both know you’re bluffing but it still hurts everytime

but your relationship is strong

i feel like yeonjun wouldnt get into a relationship if he knew he wouldnt have a strong connection with the person

he values communication

tell him how you feel

he’ll always listen

if he’s feeling down you better buy him his favorite foods and run your hands through his hair ok!

speaking of food

best food runs

like will just randomly be like

“hey wanna go to this one place with me?”

and it’s like 2am

but he insists the food is worth it

best dates too

either a restaurant date

(doesnt have to be expensive, just gotta have good food)

or he cooks for the both of you

he cooks surprisingly good????

you’re like there’s no way you made this

he’s like damn you hate me that much

but no like actually can cook but he’s clumsy you know

you gotta be monitering him

which he doesnt mind, he likes having your presence in the kitchen with him

PLEASE i feel like he doesn’t like being alone when he’s doing everyday tasks idk

like if he’s brushing his teeth or if you’re brushing your teeth

he’s right there back hugging you ugh

the type to walk on the side of the sidewalk where cars are closer to <3

if you’re younger than him he kinda has a superiority complex

not in a condescending way

he just tends to baby you more

if you’re older he still tries to act older in some ways

“yeonjun im going to the grocery store!”

“actually i made that exact same grocery list and went 3 days ago”

“the only thing on the list was rice?”

but he likes being babied

coo at him and he’ll get shy and tell you to stop

meeting the other members isn’t too bad

“this is my significant other! arent they just so etheral?”

everyone nods because if they dont yeonjun will probably give them some choice words later

you gotta compliment him a lot

he thrives off compliments honestly

you: “you looked good in that one scene”

him: “yeah but i looked good in all the scenes though right?”

you CANNOT C A N N O T compliment anyone else

you: “soobi-”

him: glaring at you “what about him?”

just to mess with him youre like “soobin killed this scene too”

pouts and whines

“nooooo what do you mean he killed this scene?? i’m the scene too pay attention to me!”

studio sessions with him are a vibe

he likes rnb so yall would just be chilling on days where he doesnt have schedules.

plays his rnb playlist and yall just vibe out

youre both laying down on the studio couch with his head in your neck and he’s dozing off *broken heart emoji”

wait ok i know i’ve said this before but

he’s the type to tease you during arguments

“you wanna kiss me so bad”

and when you do he’s all smug about it

“my baby just can’t stay mad at me for long huh”

your friends think he’s hot

they probably think he’s way too good looking to be dating you

so you doubt yourself

but he’s like nah our looks are on par that’s why we’re perfect together fuck them

always wants you to watch him dance

during practice or not, he wants you there

after hours at the practice room is just him playing some random song and freestyling

but you love it because he looks so happy and free

probably does some cheesy shit like ask you to dance with him

or if you’re sitting down on your phone he’ll come up to you dancing just to bother you then just laugh

he’s the best boyfriend

idk

#choi yeonjun #yeonjun #yeonjun imagines #fluff #yeonjun reactions #yeonjun drabbles #yeonjun drabble #yeonjun fluff #txt imagines #drabble #tomorrow x together imagines #txt headcannons #yeonjun headcannons #txt reactions #txt scenarios #yeonjun timestamps #yeonjun fic #yeonjun x reader

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nastybuckybarnes · 4 years ago

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Of Kings and Beasts - Twelve

Pairing: King!Bucky X Princess!Reader X King!Steve

Summary: Born a bastard of the King of Orlen, you’re thrust to the West to marry the Kings. However, the greeting you get is anything but warm, and your life with the King is far from enjoyable. He knows it isn’t your fault his husband is gone, but that fact alone won’t prevent him from taking it out on you.

Warnings: Angst, Language, Smut (almost?), Injuries, Violence,

Word Count: 3K

A/n: Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe

THIS SERIES CONTAINS SMUT AND DARK THEMES THAT MAY BE TRIGGERING TO SOME AUDIENCES!!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!! 18+!!!!

Series Masterlist

~*~

Your eyes slowly flutter open, your head throbbing and body aching.

The events prior to your collapse come flooding into your mind and you’re suddenly filled with anxiety.

You push yourself up, wincing as ropes bite into your wrists and a gag scratches the corners of your mouth

You’re bound on a bed, still wearing your cape and gown.

“I was beginning to wonder when you would wake up... if I had been a little too rough with you,” a silky voice says.

You look over to the source, glaring at the man by the window.

Loki only smiles at you, slowly walking towards you.

“You’re far smarter than anyone gives you credit for, do you know that? The Kings think you to be nothing more than a delicate princess, but we both know that’s not true. You had to find your way, make your way. You’ve gone to great lengths just to survive. And that’s where you and I are similar.”

Two long, cold fingers are under your chin, tilting your head back.

“You’re so much more than they think. But they won’t get to know that, will they?” Your eyes widen and you shimmy back, terrified for your life.

The man only laughs, shaking his head.

“I’m not going to kill you, petal. Not yet, anyway. But I cannot say the same for your husbands.” You make a noise through your gag, wanting to only ask him one question.

“You want to know why?” He asks, waiting until you nod before answering.

“Because I have lived in the shadows for far too long. That is something that you and I have in common. We’ve both blossomed in the shadows of other people. But for no longer. It is time for me to take my rightful place as King. King of Asgard. King of Acadia. They will be one under my rule.” Your brows draw together. He means to overthrow not one but two of the strongest kingdoms on the continent.

He opens his mouth to further his explanation, but the door opens and a certain blond-haired beast walks in.

“Ah, yes. I was about to come fetch you,” Loki says, looking over at you and shooting you a wink. You’re still so confused.

“Now, you have your fun with your new wife, while I go divert the attention of her husbands,” Loki says, taking a step back. His appearance changes before your very eyes, and then you’re staring at yourself.

Your lips smile at you, and then your body is walking out of the King’s chambers and closing the door tightly behind.

Thor seems to pay his shape-shifting brother no mind and is instead entirely focused on you.

He slowly approaches the bed, hands extended towards you and you flinch away.

A frown graces his features and he shakes his head, pulling the gag from your mouth.

“I had asked him not to be so rough with you, but he insisted it was necessary. I do hope you’ll forgive me, my love.” You’re taken aback by the name, staring at him in shock.

He chuckles, the sound almost nervous.

“I suppose I should explain myself.” You wait a little less than patiently as the King gathers his thoughts, his eyes darting to you ever now and again.

“You... you are intriguing. You’ve bewitched me, as I said. Captured both my attention and my heart with only a few moments.”

“What in the name of the Gods are you speaking of?” You’re so bloody confused.

“When I first stumbled upon you, I had hoped that you were not in fact the queen. That instead, you were a mere maiden in the Palace. But even finding that you are wed to two of my dear friends... why, it wasn’t enough to stop me from falling for you.” He takes your bound hands in his, thumbs rubbing over your palms. It makes you feel sick to your stomach, and you wrench yourself out of his grip.

“You will not touch me! Not after what you’ve done.” A thought bubbles into your mind and you look up at him. “Loki had called me your new wife... what on Earth does he mean by that?” Thor grins, two fingers stroking your cheek gently while he gazes at you like a lovesick puppy.

“You are to be my wife, (Y/n). And I swear to you that I shall treat you with the respect and the love that you deserve. Your current husbands should be killed for the way they have treated something as delicate as you.” You glare at him, jerking your face away.

“You will not speak of my husbands in such a manner. Your actions are treasonous, and you will bring war upon your kingdom. Why would you do that for me? Why overthrow their kingdom? The greed of men never ceases to disgust me.” He furrows his brows, him being the confused one this time.

“Why would I not go to the ends of the Earth for the woman I love? You have carved a way into my heart, darling, and I would both die for you and kill for you.”

You shake your head vigorously, wanting to cease his speaking.

“How can you claim to love me when you do not even truly know me? You know nothing of me, besides whatever you have created from your own imagination. You do not love me, Thor. Do not try to convince yourself or me that you do.”

He grips your face roughly, eyes alight with fire.

“Do not for a moment think that I am not in love with you.” His voice is booming, frightening even, and for a moment you shrink in on yourself, reduced to that terrified young princess yet again.

He takes a deep breath then lets it out, leaning in to press a kiss to your forehead.

“I did not mean to frighten you, my love, I just... I love you and I need you to know it, to accept it. You are to be my wife. My queen, and the mother of my children. I know it is not something you are keen on, only due to your loyalty to your first marriage, but that will be fixed over time, I promise. You need only give me a chance. A chance to show you how it feels to truly be loved.”

There's something off about him, his eyes, his smile. But you cannot deny the fact that his offer is tempting. A chance to not live in fear? To be treated with respect and love? It’s everything you’ve ever wanted and so much more.

But you cannot simply give up on your husbands, can you?

~*~

“There you are! We were beginning to get worried!” James exclaims, taking your hand and ushering you into the room.

Steve watches curiously, something about you seeming off to him.

“I was engaged with Loki, I do apologize for taking so long.” You sit down on the bed, hand reaching for Steve’s.

Something’s not right.

You’ve been quite receptive to their physical touches, but this doesn’t feel right.

Instead of saying anything, the King keeps quiet and plasters a smile onto his face.

“You’re safe here, darling. You need not cut your conversations short for us.” You smile up at him then look over to the note on the bedside table.

“Have you had any luck?” The two shake their heads, wishing they were closer to figuring out who the threat is.

“What can you remember about receiving the letter? The time, if anybody was around?” James watches as your brows furrow, trying to recall anything that may be of use.

“Nothing stands out... although... Thor was quite adamant about bringing me here instead of back to you. I thought that a little strange but at the time I did not question it. And... there was an incident the other night.” Steve’s hand finds your lower back, urging you to continue.

“He made advances... declared his love for me. He later apologized for it, but the entire event has put me on edge.” The two Kings exchange glances at this new information, the brunet ready to go find Thor and give him a piece of his mind.

“Please do not be angry. I’m sure he meant nothing by it, and I wouldn’t want to cause any trouble.” James shushes you, taking a seat on the bed beside you.

“You won’t cause any trouble. If this issue bothers you, then it must be brought up. We will have words with Thor.” You nod, the corners of your mouth turning up in a small but sinister grin.

~*~

The door to the chambers you’ve been trapped in opens, and the trickster walks in with a gleaming smile on his face.

“What have you done now?” You demand, tugging against your bonds.

He only chuckles, walking past you to the small tray of food on the bedside table.

“Oh, I’ve done nothing. It’s what you’ve done that will be the downfall of the two great kingdoms.” You shake your head at him, wanting to know exactly what he’s talking about.

“Right as we speak, you’re confessing to the Kings just how much my idiot brother loves you, how much he longs to be with you and how he would do anything for you. And we both know how much of a temper your husbands have, especially when it comes to you. So it is only a matter of time before they become defensive and seek him out.”

“Wait, Thor is unaware of your plot?” The man laughs, a full belly laugh from deep in his core at your question.

“Oh, Gods no! He is nothing more than a pawn in a far bigger plan than he realizes. His simple mind was far too easy to take, and his initial protection over you was easy to nurture into an infatuation and an unhealthy obsession.” He looks over at you, a smile on his face.

“And you, my dear, are going to be my greatest piece yet. His obsession will be not only the downfall of the Kingdoms, but also of you. He will be your undoing. Because in his mind, if he cannot have you, then nobody else can.” He straightens up and walks over to the wardrobe, pulling off his cloak and hanging it up.

“It’s unfortunate, really, because you are quite beautiful. Beauty is something that shouldn’t be wasted. But I suppose they’ll write sonnets and ballads about how ‘your beauty was what brought the kingdoms to ash’.” You struggle against your bonds, wanting nothing more than to take the knife strapped to your thigh and slash his throat with it.

“You will never get away with this! The Kings are far too smart. They’ll see right through your disguises.” He chuckles and turns to you, arms crossed over his chest.

“There’s a magic in this world, girl. One that you could not even begin to understand. The Kings are nothing more than mortal men. They will succumb to the powers I wield and they will burn, with you alongside them.” He cocks his head to the side, eyes raking over your face.

“But perhaps I need to have my own turn with you. Experience you both inside and out.” You shiver in disgust, pushing yourself as far back on the bed as you can.

The door creaks and the two of you look to the sound, the trickster backing up a step before vanishing into thin air, leaving you alone with the newcomer.

“I do hope you'll pardon my absence,” Thor says timidly, raking a hand through his hair and shutting the door behind himself.

“I had hoped to spend more time with you, however the duties of a King need to be fulfilled.” You say nothing, Loki’s words ringing over and over again in your ears.

You’re so lost in your thoughts that you don’t realize he’s climbed onto the bed until his large hands are pushing your knees apart.

“W-wait no!” An idea bubbles into your mind and you speak before you have time to second-guess yourself.

“If you truly wish for me to enjoy our time together, you must release me from my bonds! Do not take me the way the other Kings have. Please. You say you love me, then release me so that I too may enjoy it.” His face softens and he nods, pressing a tender kiss to your cheek before reaching around your back to yank the rope off of you.

“It was never my intention to bind you, sweet flower. But Loki insisted. He said that you couldn’t be trusted and I... I believed him. Please forgive me, my love.” He takes your hands in his so gently, so much love and affection behind his actions, and you find yourself feeling sorry for the man.

Beneath the pity is an anger. Anger at Loki for putting not only Thor through this, but for tormenting you with the knowledge that his love is not real. Nothing more than a facade.

“Thor... how much do you trust your brother?” The blond looks confused by the question and takes a moment to ponder it before answering.

“I... well... Loki and I have not always seen eye to eye. But within the past few months he has come around and been more present. All I’ve ever wanted was for my brother to feel at home in his kingdom. He believes himself to be shunned, an outcast, but he is my brother and I love him dearly. It pains me to see him shut himself away, but now he’s opening back up. And I do think that there is hope for us yet.” Your heart cracks at this.

“But enough about him. This should be about us. You and me, my dear.” His lips are then on your neck, hips pushing between your thighs and big body holding you down against the mattress.

Once again, you find yourself pinned beneath a man with no hope of escaping.

Well... almost no hope.

You swallow back the bile in your throat and seek out his lips, kissing him fiercely while your hands grasp at his shoulders.

He pulls away after a moment, yanking his tunic above his head and grinning down at you.

“Eager, are we?” You nod, fingers trailing over his sculpted torso.

He is a beautiful specimen, and it pains you to do what you’re doing.

“My King,” you whisper, back arching as he kisses over your neck once again. He hums, waiting for you to speak.

“May I ride you?” The words are whispered, barely breathed in the warm air of the room, but they elicit a growl from the man above you.

Your positions are flipped in an instant, you straddling the blond man while he lays comfortably below you.

His hands find your hips while your own shaky fingers pull his manhood from his trousers.

A groan leaves his lips at the feeling of your soft hands against his hot length, and your eyes flash up to his face.

His eyes are squeezed shut, and in that moment you realize it’s now or never.

One hand stays on his length, stroking gently, while the other reaches to the dagger strapped on your inner thigh.

You don’t need to kill him, only to incapacitate him long enough for you to escape.

Disguising the motion as you simply moving your skirts out of the way, you grind your teeth together and squeeze your eyes shut.

The blade is raised high above your head, and then with all your might, you slam it down into his abdomen.

He lurches forward, eyes popping open in shock as you yank the blade back out and stumble off the bed.

His face contorts with first confusion, then betrayal, and pain following.

“Why?” His voice is a broken whisper, but you don’t dwell on it. Instead, you rise to your feet and sprint out of his chambers, bloody knife still held tightly in your grasp.

You can hear him behind you, grunting with pain as he moves through his chambers then stumbles through the doorway, but you’re already far enough ahead to create a scene if need be.

You cut through the gardens, grabbing your skirts and hiking them up above your knees to give you more room to run.

Your shoulder connects with the familiar door of safety, and you stumble inside, shaking hands dropping both your skirts and the blade onto the floor.

“(Y/n)?!” James and Steve rush over to you quickly, inspecting your body for any wounds.

“I-It’s Thor! And Loki! Loki’s behind all of it and he has Thor trapped under a curse of some kind! I do not know what he has told you, but he was posing as me and you must believe me!” You’re near hysterical, knowing that if they don’t believe you then you’ll be sent straight back into the hands of the King.

“What on earth are you talking about?” Steve asks.

“Loki is a sorcerer. A powerful one. H-he posed as me and no doubt came to the two of you. I can only imagine the lies he spewed. He means to overthrow the kingdoms and he has Thor under-” The door gets pushed open, the man in question looking around frantically until his eyes fall upon your figure.

“Ah, there you are. You needn’t be afraid, my love. I know it was only an accident.” He’s got one of his hands pressed against the gaping wound in his abdomen, the other reaching out for you.

“No!” You cry, near ready to pull your hair out.

James pushes you behind his back, unsheathing his sword and pointing it at the King.

“You will not take another step, do you understand? We can discuss this like men, not fight about it like boys.” Thor blinks a few times, eyes darting between you and your husbands.

“Very well.” He straightens up, face perfectly political.

“I would like you to hand over my wife, or I will kill her where she stands. If I cannot have her, then nobody can.”

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retrocontinuity · 3 years ago

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Eat, for this is Her Body: Chainsaw Man and the Doxology of Cannibalism

"One day," Anthony Oliveira writes in "The Year in Apocalypses," [Jesus'] disciples approached their master while he was silent in prayer and made a request: 'Lord, teach us how to pray.'" From here, Jesus teaches them the Lord's Prayer, what the Catholic Church once called "the summary of the whole gospel":

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come; thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Denji is no one's disciple. When we first meet him, he is closer to how Oliveira describes Jesus himself, "homeless, gleaning for food in the field like a sparrow and relying on the kindness of strangers to put him up, . . . a man cheerfully resigned to powerlessness." And so, Denji doesn't need to be taught how to pray. He has always known. Every bone in his body at the opening of Chainsaw Man sings out the Lord's Prayer: "forgive me my debts", "deliver me from evil." And, of course, Denji is intimately familiar with the prayer's most pitiable, most powerful line. It's this line that he cries out to Makima when he rests, Pieta-like, in her arms at the end of the first chapter. It can only be this line, one that Denji might have written himself:

Give me, from this day forward, and for all the rest of my days, daily bread.

Bread runs throughout CSM like a mocking scent that you only fully identify in the last two chapters. It should have been a sign to all of us when the first meal Makima buys for Denji is not bread (but rather a hot dog and udon noodles). It isn't until Denji meets and enters Aki's home that he is seen making a hideously overladen slice of toast for himself, luxuriating in having all the toppings he was denied. The morning after she forces Denji to open the door to Power's death, Makima makes the very breakfast she once promised to serve Denji: eggs, coffee, salad, and sliced bread. But this is a meal that Denji never eats—maybe the only meal in the entire series that he, a survivor of the meanest starvation and poverty, ignores. There is only one other time we see this meal in CSM, and it is subtle, almost off camera, though no less meaningful: in Chapter 53, after Reze's death, as Denji sits down to breakfast once more with Power and Aki.

To revisit CSM's public safety arc is to see all the ways the plot connects itself to food and the act of eating, both appetizing and revolting, both profound and profane. Denji, eating gyoza at a bar for the first time. Denji being forced to swallow barf as he is kissed for the first time. The Fox Devil, who eats indiscriminately and on command, who refuses to return to Aki after being fed something disgusting. A fox that is hunted and transformed into stew. Denji eating sandwiches at Reze's cafe. Aki and Angel eating noodles. A woman sitting down to eat a hamburger for the first time, before she commits mass murder. She is worried she has lost her taste buds, yet she exclaims, "So delicious!" We know, later, that this woman is a liar, that no part of her is what she presents herself to be. Should we take this moment at its face value then? Was Santa Claus simply lucky enough to have preserved her sense of taste? Or was it her one last act of humanity, to recognize that it is not enough just to eat, that man does not live on bread alone, that there must be at least food that is also delicious, that inspires people to get up and dance—even if it means she has to lie about what she can experience?

Food is necessary for survival, and CSM is a story about survival. But CSM is also a story about glimpsing the after. After you know you can keep living, what next? After you are no longer starving, after you have been forced to kill a friend, after you have touched your first boob, after you have been betrayed, what next? After you are tired of eating toast with jam for breakfast, what do you eat next?

The version of the Lord's Prayer we tend to recite asks for "our daily bread." But this, most modern scholars believe, is a mistranslation. The Greek adjective as it appears in the Gospel of Matthew and Luke is "epiousios," which doesn't mean "daily" at all, but rather something too complicated etymologically for me to even begin to parse. The point is that what we ask for in the Lord's Prayer is not just bread for today, but bread for tomorrow. Both the physical bread and the spiritual bread. Bread on this kingdom of earth, and bread that is the kingdom of heaven. Bread to feed our bodies, and bread to feed our souls. The realm of the divine is full of these moments, isn't it? Of two things existing at once, in one.

Denji starts the series asking for daily bread, and ends the public safety arc with Nayuta, Makima's reincarnation, asking him for daily bread. Trash heap Denji, living with his not!dog Pochita, really was just asking for daily bread. A slice to eat for breakfast, maybe even with butter and jam. But he too learns that bread, physical bread, is not enough. Merely to subsist, to eat good food, is an empty life. And what he must give Nayuta is not just bread, as was given to him. Otherwise, he will be trapped in a cycle of creating more Makimas. Instead, he must give her a relationship, a family, a world that Makima was unable to create. He must give her, in Pochita's words, lots of hugs. He must give her, in the words of the Lord's Prayer, epiousios.

To be clear, I am not arguing that CSM is meant to be read through a Catholic lens, and I doubt Fujimoto had all of this in mind when he wrote it (though he must have thought something, given that he drew a very large print of Gustave Dore's "Satan descends upon Earth" in Makima's entranceway!). But there is something primal (primordial?) about the Lord's Prayer. If every reader can understand the horror that the Darkness Devil represents, so too we can understand the intimacy and comfort of the Lord's Prayer. It is, as Oliveira writes, "a simple peasant's mantra for detoxing anxiety." Jesus opens by addressing God as father—not king, not an all-mighty spiritual being, but rather "abba, which is rather closer to 'dad,' and not in the intercultural Greek of his adulthood, but the Aramaic of home and childhood." The Lord's Prayer asks for what we always want, the only thing any of us have ever wanted since leaving the womb as infants: for no bad things to happen, for there to be enough to eat.

Even if what we have to eat is another person.

At the center of the Christian liturgy is the Last Supper, and at the center of the Last Supper is a meal that functions as ritual, abomination, accusation, transubstantiation, paranoia, and an early example of cracking open a cold one with the bros. Here, Jesus shares bread and wine with his disciples and then, as if trying to invent r/creepypasta years before its time, informs them they are actually eating his flesh and blood. This image is so powerful and heretical that the Romans accused early Christians of being cannibals. And why shouldn't they? It's there in the text. "Take, eat. This is my body. This is my blood." Stripped of the grandeur of tradition and ritual, this is downright vampiric. And yet it goes on to become the cornerstone of the Christian faith.

Oliveira begs us to see the Last Supper as a family meal, one shared by Jesus and his found family. "All he is really saying is, 'I hope when you eat together, you remember me.'" It's a good reading, one that moves me to tears, and is the framework through which I see the events of chapter 80. Because Makima is not the first time that Denji "consumes" a friend, and I don't just mean him sucking Power's blood or taking Pochita into himself. When Aki died, he left half his fortune to Denji, who uses it to support himself and Power. They "pigged out on good food," he tells us. This is Aki's symbolic body, through which he provides Denji his daily bread. Eat ice cream and onigiri in remembrance of me.

But it is not how I see the events of chapter 96. Denji does not eat Makima in the context of a feast. He does not partake of her in a communal meal, as Jesus did, among his found family. He eats every bite of Makima alone. Jesus said before his death, "this is my blood, which is shed for many." Yet Denji says to Makima, I alone will absolve you alone of your sins. I alone will bear you alone.

Denji's Last Supper is a lonely remembrance. He is hoping that no one but him will remember her. He is hoping to wholly consume her, because he loves her. "We love as cannibals," French philosopher and activist Simone Weil wrote. "Beloved beings . . . provide us with comfort, energy, a simulant. They have the same effect on us as a good meal. . . . We love them, then, as food." In fact, Weil believed we cannot love any other way. As humans, we are forever doomed to want to eat the ones we love. In order to escape, we must both be devoured by God and then become food for our fellow human beings. As Alec Irwin writes of Weil's philosophy, "the devouring violence of God must be positively harnessed in order to dismantle the machinery of human cruelty."

If Weil is right and being devoured is transformation, a crucial part of salvation, then in eating Makima, Denji redeems her. He turns her into food to break the cycle of her cruelty. For Makima's power itself is consuming, cannibalistic. She "eats" humans in order to use her power, which remains mysterious like God moving across the face of the earth, leaving only broken corpses as a sign of its presence. So it must be Denji, not Chainsaw Man, who does the consuming. If Pochita had consumed her, as she had always prayed for, then it would simply be another act of violence being enacted. Instead, Denji gives her salvation by turning her into human food—his food.

To Denji, Aki was human, his family, his brother, his friend. It is Makima he loves as a God and a woman. To him, she is Satan and God, his betrayer and his creator, his salvation and his friends' damnation. So he must take her, consume her, digest her, excrete her, reduce her to nothing, as she once consumed and excreted and reduced him. "I ate her to become one with her." He ate her to become her. There is no truer form of his love than for Denji to take Makima into himself. I use those words purposefully, because this is the rejection of classic cishet PIV penetration, that old hoary chestnut of men inside women. As Don Delillo famously outlines in White Noise, we talk about sex as if women are containers, rooms, elevator lobbies: "He entered me," "I want him inside me," "I took him into myself." Denji and Makima never have physical sex, but this is a consummation, a reversal of roles. We are given the only sex that Shounen Jump will allow us, with Denji taking Makima into himself. She enters him. She is inside him. He is—physically, emotionally, willingly—penetrated by her flesh. She is released inside of him, becoming part of him.

Because the divine is full of moments like this, isn't it? Of two things existing at once, in one. That is the kingdom and the power and the glory. For Makima now lives in that country inhabited by God, where loving and eating are one and the same. For that country is none other than Denji's body.

In conclusion:

Substitute Makima for "God", and the preceding statements are still rigorously accurate.

Further Reading:

Anthony Oliveira's ongoing podcast reading the Gospel of Mark (Patreon exclusive, but I highly recommend, even/especially if you are a heathen like me)

Hannibal (NBC)

Daniel Birnbaum and Anders Olsson, An Interview with Jacques Derrida on the Limits of Digestion

David Farrell Krell, "All You Can't Eat: Derrida's Course, "Rhetorique du Cannibalisme (1990-1991)." Research in Phenomenology, vol. 36, 2006, pp. 130–180. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/24660636.

Alec Irwin, “Devoured by God: Cannibalism, Mysticism, and Ethics in Simone Weil.” CrossCurrents, vol. 51, no. 2, 2001, pp. 257–272. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/24460795.

#chainsaw man #cannibalism as love #love as cannibalism

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space-girlllll · 2 years ago

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CALE-NIM!!!!

(also some propaganda that is basically me copy and pasting my submission:

also a loootttt of totcf/lotcf spoilers

Technically most of his trauma was caused by a god, starting by his body. He was originally born into a body that many ppl theorize to have been a Thames, a member of Cale henituse's maternal family. But yeah, he was originally born in that world rather than korea. But then due to the GoD's (god of death) curse of reincarnation on the white star, the white star kicked him out of his original body and forced his soul into korea, also leaving a piece of his curse with him. but not the reincarnation part of the white stars curse, no, he got a bit of the white stars curse where everyone he loves, dies. (along with that curse food tastes bad, misfortune strikes at every corner.) He loses his parents, gets given to his abusive alcoholic uncle, dropped at an orphanage and everyone he befriends either dies or leaves him, the f*cking APOCALYPSE comes to earth, and when he finally is happy and gets friends/ family... THEY ALL DIE ALL AT ONCE!!!

His life sucks for a years, he makes no new friends with the ppl around him after his former family dies. He becomes Cale henituse

The thing is,,, he experiences his life as Cale henituse bcs of... THE MOTHERF*CKING GOD OF DEATH AGAIN!! Its not a bad thing this time though but again a god

Now a sad thing! The God of despair this time,, he is basically the one whose driving the white star to become a god and telling him what to do to become one. And to get to his goal the white star starts wars! Kills millions of people! and has been for like 1000 years! (I cannot remember if it 1000 or 100)

And yk what cale does about this? He basically fights in the war, goes through a lot of emotional and physical pain.

More on the God of despair messing everything up! He has several test arcs where he makes the ppl inside go through their deepest despair (at least the first GoD test arc is this one technically an arc?)

the first time Cale goes through one of his tests he goes through the time when his entire shelter (the thing protecting them form monsters of the apocalypse) goes down and everyone in there whether he cared abt them or not dies. He goes through quite a lot of emotional pain that he often hides in this arc, and a bit of physical pain. But the test basically ends ok with him resolving his pain and connection with the incident and gettign to spend time with the people he once lost so horribly.

now the second time he goes through the god of despairs test, it's the proper one in the God of despair's temple. The test at first is one that involves all the people inside who joined cale this time similar to how cale's previous test, but it was a world without cale, because to everyone in there (minus cale) a world without cale is true despair. They try to get through it but then the God of despair, annoyed at losing, puts them through the original test that people who enter the temple go through. They go through 5 tests,

Sadness, in this one Cale/krs goes through the funeral of the two most important people in his previous like as kim rok soo, Lee soo hyuk and choi jung soo.

Sloth, in this one it makes cale go through his most peaceful time, his time in high school but he finds things are very different, he doesn't rlly remember his time then but it turns out there's a reason! Apparently the person who wrote the novel that he read before transmigrating into cale was there and it turns out there was this big thing, and he had to go through fighting and battle, and a lot of his brains and commander tactics during his resting test :(. He learns about hunters (the main thing of the next book) and learns he doesn't remember much of his high school years bcs of his memories being erased and ends up having to kill like 3 hunters I think? but yeah a lot.

Failure, it says that cale has gone through too many failures and has to go through quite a bit. (by that i mean i forgot what happened there and used the wiki and thats all it says :))

Indignity, it shows the indignity of not himself but the people around him that he cares about. it shows the pain of his dragon son (no legally or canon but they see each other as father and son) raon as a 3 year old and having to be the person to torture raon, he gets raon out and even save the choi han of that world. The other part of the test is him seeing his sworn brother the crown prince alberu crossman, as a child go through a childhood of neglect, hatred of the servants. he went through the test as one of these servants and helped him out and fix his situation. he ends up finding out more information about the hunters from the king (alberu's father) and oh! I just realized Alberu's official manhwa name is Alver, I'm just too used to calling him Alberu from the novel translation sorry!!

Wrath, he endures things that would make him angry, at first it seemed alright bcs it was the first things that came to mind, but that was actually him tricking the god of despair into thinking it would, but it was really just things he'd like to experience. but then he realized the things he actually despised had happened in the illusion and went through a big battle, beat up the white star, defeated all his enemies and went through quite a bit of backlash from overdoing it.

ANd then he got out of the god of despairs tests.

This is mostly just me describing the sealed gods test and how he fucked cale up so im sorry.

I could get a bit into part 2 of lotcf but I am getting sleepy now, sorry! please vote Cale, he's been through a lot

minor bracket round 1 group d

#i made this a biiittt long #also i probably should have gotten into more of his character depth and how it all changed cale as a person #but yeah he's been through a lot #lout of the count’s family #trash of the count's family #lotcf #lcf #cale henituse #god of death #fan’s ramblings

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the-official-account · 2 years ago

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Edil's Long Ass Liveblog! s2e3 edition!

Okay so I have a lot of feelings about this episode, but I’ve gotta say it might be my favorite episode of desperado so far? Like I’m a MASSIVE fan of someone to dance with and the ending of s2e1 is a scene that will echo in my brain until I fucking die, but this one just had so much in it...like so much. Multiple things that i was like “wow I hope this shows up in desperado eventually!” happened this episode, and I feel just elated. Anyways enough pre liveblog rambles, here’s the tea.

also you know how it takes me like forever to finish an ep every Monday because I keep doing dumb shit and pausing to rant? Experienced today’s ep over a span of FIVE HOURS and let me tell ya I regret nothing I would do it again.

Also included: A running calculation of how much blood elio has vs. his usual amount. Ill put all that in red in cast that’s all you want this post for.

Okay the beginning of the ep is very rough. I was trying to make food and coffee and liveblog and listen at the same time and it did NOT work, so i paused to cook for a bit. A little sparse to start but I go back

minute one

Joan joining the girlboss covered in blood gang welcome. SEVEN MEN though? and they'll shoot you on site? sorry just how many guns do Americans have here?

IS THIS WHY THEY'RE IN FLORIDA????

more crown lore i find out & the more info i get about england the more fucked up this is

minute four

oh yeah that teleportation whit would fuck Shinji up huh? Didn't think about that

tempest is here?? Oh I thought she had them on priority shipping

[not edited afterthefact:] Minutes 1-3 had a lot of intersting stuff in it, but the cogs to analysis that haven't started turning in my brain yet. However, I was gonna say who's Coleman?/so the academy and the royal colleges are a DIFFERENT interesting/were they bad?/he's dead??/cece my love!! You are profound and unsettling.

Joan's whole dawn witch thing probably means she can heal up her tongue though, right? If she just learned to sign it

minute five

“you're the locals” no???

oh there she goes lol

Catrina was like fuck mortality I don't need mortality also hello but please do away I'm scared for elio [i cannot decipher this either]

I've gotta instance [???] maam I really don't think you'll survive that

minute six (okay here’s where the dozzy starts)

get his ass Shinji you are the only person with sense here

I mean Talia and elio are more powerful by proximity to home and Catrina killed an inquisitor no problem when she first awoke and that was before elio got training, so there's some precedent to say maybe theyre powerful enough to take on inquisitors but ??? I don't know they really don't have enough Intel to make that plan like it's nothing. Like, as soon as they wage the first battle they're gonna be TARGETS so they need to sit down with a map and research what places are in closet proximity that they can hit before they get discovered that yield the most net gain in allies but that's super underground information and these gods lost power like half a fucking century before the internet was invented???? I mean mind you maybe I'm just concerned about info going outdated because of a personal research endeavor. Maybe that's not something to worry about! But sorry the United States is a country with an INCREDIBLY diverse landscape (because it's FUCKIG MASSIVE) and idk! Maybe they have enough ancestral knowledge that it's not a worry but unfamiliar geopoliticial situations will FUCK. YOU. UP. I'm scared for them??? I don't know how warranted that is though there's just so many factors

and sorry not to wave around my general concern for democracy but England has been having king's for fucking ever. How is a centralized earth-connected power going to fare in the US which is much larger and I THINK made up of 3 countries depending on how far this is going I still think this might have something to do with plate tectonics but I don't remember jackshit about American plates those are BORING. There are tons of ethnic groups native and nonnative vying for sovereignty? How big of a concern will that be? How can we guarantee that whoever gets a right to this new crown will have the interests of religious people in mind because tempest is still a witch and she clearly has no great love for them. Tempest mentioned something about the people wanting a wartime leader so the position of queen is probably at least somewhat elected but that's also a life position and is that enough? How do we know this host won't just become TOMITS to the left?

Many thoughts. Many questions. I'm definitely over thinking things at least a bit. But ??? War is not something you bumble into you are three people. THREE!!! What do you know about the suppressed religions of America's?? Their priorities and their values and morals?? How are you gonna do diplomacy without that knowledge?? War is like...a big deal lmao

"Just gonna find some food" ass you would be the first to perish in a Russian winter

go OFF king. You right

oh.

OH???

interesting

besties I don't think geopolitics applies here

this is...this makes sense. Push a big enough house of cards over and a few of em will land where you want, right? Huh.

minute seven

Shinji's proof that anxiety is a superpower when it's fucking warranted. That recoveries gonna be ROUGH taking notes but god they really need someone without godly hubris rn

Shinji??? Stop that??? Why are you in the air like fucking Rudolph can they not see you????

WHITE MIDDLE AGED STEVE JAMES CHRIS ——HELP it is too early in the morning to be laughing this loud. I know this is like an intense thing but also [Wheeze emoji] SORRY. As someone who also goes by one of those names. Yeah.

right, angel shit, I forgot.

WAIT SO SHINJIS WINGS CAN GLOW ENOUGH TO BE I DESTINGUISHABKE FROM BIRDS WINGS?????? SO I DONT HAVE TO FUCKINF PAINT THEM????? HELLO????? or can angels have various wings...idk but they're so hard to paint man

minute eight

[re: shinji @ SJC] ominous ass what is wrong with him? This poor man

BITCH the FUCK

HELLO???? WHY THE FUCK??? CAN YOU NOT BE FUCKING NORMAL FOR ONCE IN YOUR GODDAMN IMMORTALITY SAMEDI WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU????

OOPS????

oh god why do I love [samedi] so much he sucks so bad.

minute nine

the old man loves cars. Yeeeeah that's why they're in Florida.

ope.

Hrunkgougkl?

[ID: the blinking whited guy meme.]

my brains buffering while I process the idea that a show can just be overt about racism in a way where POC have power but don't go unaffected by what's happening. Like LMAO get fucked it also WHEW.

OH I just realized what he was about to say. Yeah get FUCKED Shinji may I present ally of the year award. I don't think they're come up with any new slurs, so first of all, raw line. Not like in a way that it's cool? But, like, raw. Descriptors fail me. Also yeah that just went way over my head the first time. Too caught up in the high of Shinji murderous efficiency that I forgot the n word exists.

minute ten

OH YOU CHECKED HIM. YOU CHECK HIM FOR SURE If one is my friends desecrated the corpse of a violent racist I simply would not be disturbed. Rip to Shinji but I'm different.

“Now you're gonna make the kid cry?” No honey he told you there are two options and one of them is leaving your ass stranded and the other one is Steve James Chris. Good for him.

The Baron and la Catrina are so goddamn annoying but I also like them a lot.

GET. HIS. ASS. GODTAMER!

what's wrong with elio tho. Nothing, right? Haha ....he's fine right?

deja Vu, god...fucking Florida. If Shinji feels one more SUD of pain I am going to collapse an die actually.

minute eleven

"like a garrison" that's really funny

minute twelve

oh this one has architecture, that's rare.

"yeah we hate to see it" THANK you talia.

minute thirteen

"a church is a church" thank you elio for this insight (joking, it was all very helpful) Please do arson? If I say pretty please can they do a dramatic arson? Please?

you know how you could creat chaos? Arson.

sorry but you don't edit explosions that good and make me not wanna pack as many as possible into an episode.

"we were three gods in a Prius" okay danger here I get that, that sucks, but this is really funny.

SO MANY SOUNDS AT ONCE, GOD.

minute fourteen

I really wish they discussed details on how The barons bone manipulation powers work and to what extent. Like I know they expected this to be easy but I'm still in the camp of Mr. 1 hit KO should know how he can feed Mr. And Ms. "a Corpse is a power source if you know what your doing," yk, for situations like this

the Baron is playing GTA.

"weaknesses let's say" Jesus Christ. Shinji in one of the most triggering fucking situations on earth with all his friends fucking gone...god, ow. Sure Shinji might be a fictional entity that doesn't actually expirience emotions but I'M not

I'm gonna project into Shinji so hard actually I'm gonna write something that caters to me and like 2 other people it's gonna be wonderful

Not now ofc [I edit out all the timestamps of these for formatting but I need you to know this was sent at 10:11 and the first message was sent at about eight am. My brain needs to SIMMER on shit so...addressing a valid concern]

I am just over ¼ of the way through this episode holy fuck

episode fifteen

everything Shinji does this eintire episode has me going YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!! thank you tibet for this fucking delivery thank you Samy for the content holy FUCK.

HELP LMAO

minute sixteen

"surely that's not gonna work" you're honor they're so fucking stupid like yes, she's essentially an incredibly adaptive immortal general who emphasizes protecting the weak and the prosecuted, stan-able behavior. Digital maps, though? Preposterous. One thing I love about desperado is it doesn't ask you to maintain a high level of emotional tension for an extended period of time outside of the really big climatic moments, there's enough not depressing shit to latch onto that it feels like sure I can't swim but I'm wearing a life jacket, which, for how the topic of race effects the target audience, is very useful and appreciated! The whiplash still gets me though I will NEVER get used to it and I don't think I want to

minute seventeen

I know we're only getting Joan in flickers and moments but I like her so much more in this season than the last. Fucking hated Joan before.

minute eighteen

”it was much more difficult without bassim” WHERE THE FUCK IS HE IM GONNA CRY WHERE IS MY GEM MY BELOVED RUBY MY LITTLE TINKERER HELLO?????

minute nineteen

I wonder exactly why the calisar affects and yes I'm sleeping that wrong for sure. Like Asher could handle it and he's a witch of like medium strength? (Placing Joan at medium high and tempest and Caleb at High, it's tuff competition I'm not trying to put him down) but he was a witch? How does it affect crusaders? How about other religious people, the Baron seemed to refer to it like a drug so he'll probably be okay. Hm. I guess we'll see.

Catrina clearly isn't as young as I thought but her manifestation is definitely new. Hm. Ruled an empire for hundreds of years...

minute twenty one

OOOOH JOAN PLEASE INTRODUCE SIGNING SPELLS TO THE AMERICAN WITCHES PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE THAT'S SUCH AN EDGE. Asl is hard but it's not THAT hard and signed exact English isn't, yk, culturally ideal but it should for for translating spells into silence so you only really need to learn the words...

minute twenty two

Shinji smart as fuck evaluating exactly where he can push the God's buttons. That's useful info (edited)

minute twenty four

holy shit this crown lore what the fuck

minute twenty five

LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE BRITISH CHARACTER MADE ME FALL ON LOVE WITH THEM BY FORCE I HAD NO FUCKING CHOICE IN RHE MATTER THAT THE FUCK

minute twenty six

this fucking wierdo doesn't know hot to breathe I love her

joans pulls an all nighter then is like "GOTTA GO FEED THE BLOOD CELLS" and passes the fuck out what an oddball I love her.

minute twenty seven

she's gonna stab this old man

I'm sorry but I need to dissect Joan like a frog in a middle school biology lab actually

minute twenty nine

for reference, two eintire bodies worth of blood is something like 6 times the usual amount elio is able to carry from himself

if she takes from the three guards that increases to about 16 times the amount of blood, adding some for roughly ten percent blood mass I've been dropping for estimations and assuming all of these people are roughly elio's size, and seeing as they're prison guards and worshippers of mr.holy steriods I'll give myself that

Shinji deserves this nap but oh boy wow

THEIR BODIES MOVE AGAIN WHEN I SAY I CHOKED AND FUCKING GASPED IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS?????

SWOON

GONNA ADD MECROMANCING DANCIN TO MY TALIA PLAYLIST THIS IS GEEAT THIS IS EVERYTHING TO ME

minute thirty

AND WHAT DID I FUCKING SAY ABOUT THE JDGKDHOSHSKS T RHEBFIFGCIDBTA IN SHD FUCKING THIS BRANCHING INTO A WAR OF MEDIA AND PERCEOTION????? SCREMAINING AMD L9OK9NG MY SHIT GEREVSKSHSKS IM SO 3XICTDJDIFNRJDKSH

minute thirty one

THE FUCKINF EXPONENTIAL GROWTH OF BATTLE DID I NOT MENTION THIS????? oh my god being wrong is a blast but being right is a blast in a different direction knashing my fucking teeth kicking screaming hooting hollering and generally boogieing down this is SO COOL

I was gonna say I recognized the pattern of that speech but did not at all click translation appreciated

WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE JUST DO TO HIM?? SOME SORT OF RED PLAGUE EQUIVALENT TRANSFORMATION?????

title spotted but in fucking wait

[translation Inaccute please see notes. Would you believe this was the first time I looked up what desperado means? kinda slow upstairs]

minute thirty two

Shinji Calls them stone demons so yeah, right? La catrina's using the crystal elio swallowed in episode 14 (what was is called again???) And that la Catrina is subpresding from taking over him to spread the red plague to whoever she wants to make more soldiers is actually deeply disturbing in some sense but really really cool in others I love how that episode tied back into the plot holy fuck

minute thirty three (another analysis heavy one, this time the baron and black masculinity)

the fact that Shinji keeps calling them their names also, god. IS SAMEDI GIVES TALI A FUCKINF NICOTINE ADDITION FOR HIS BULLSHIT I AM GOING TO STRANGLE HIM WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS WHAT A BITCH ASS USELESS FUCKING CLOWN SHE CLEARLY WOULDNT WANT THAT

I need to do more research on the nitty gritty of Haitian culture but i suspect it also falls into the overlap of American/carribean black culture in how black men feel a particular sense of entitlement to the bodies and labor of black woman like I adore the Baron as a character and I don't know if this was on accident, probably? but some of the shit he says and does so directly reflects black misogynior it makes me want to hurt him. I'm gonna say now though that nonblack people do not fucking critique him from that perspective. The line between valid criticisms of black men and racism with some white feminist glitter on top is fucking blurry, and even from black men and women the conversation too quickly descents into generalizations that stem from trauma and create a false sexual dichotomy that drives internalized race and colorism deeper into our community so when I say it's touchy, stay the fuck away, I mean that. Black men are still black and they're beautiful and they're allies and father's and uplifters, organizers and caregivers, and individuals who's value is not at all correlated to the labor they can offer others and their community but the Baron can go FUCK himself also. I'm gonna kill him

I'm sorry but at the circus Talia directly expressed a dislike for the concept of coping with substance and that's such a fucked up choice to take away from somebody.

Oh God it's been an hour lmao [I got into a DIFFERENT conversation about themes of race in podcasting because im fucking asdklfasdfhaf edil only wants ONE THING and it’s FUCKING DISGUSTING]

My attention span is healthy and my executives love to function!

minute thirty four

"it was rage...and it latched onto me" LET HIM GO I WILL KILL YOU.

what. What. What what what I have so many things to ...look into? What. Shinji. Alarm

I don't think the massacre of Dojima (doshima?) Was a real event. Theres a violent event that does relate to that name but it's not called that...huh! Shinji is like a magician doing a scarves trick but instead of scarves it's an infinite string of lore and trauma

I need to study Shinji like a cool bug

is "crusaders after Asher" meaning after as in time or after as in chase? Idk

God, if the Baron wasnt in talia's body is give Shinji full rights to tear him to pieces with his bare hands.

get his ass.

minute thirty five

GET. HIS. ASS. GODTAMER. THATS A NAME THATS GONNA STICK NOW.

"what do you need" is a small line to freak out about but !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Frenship :]....love and care, even.

scared for Talia rn but if I don't think about it enough It can't hurt me!

not friendship. Fear. Crying. hate it.

minute thirty six analysis here on catrina's relationship with violence

Again for reference, a 10 litre water cooler of blood is about 1.5 completely drained elio-sized people and 4.95 times the amount of blood he usually has on hand

I'm SO conflicted because on one hand Catrina can go FUCK herself right now but on the other hand I think I recognize the pattern of behavior as like, She knows Talia and the Baron will be fine, or at least things she knows, and she know she and Shinji aren't friends and therefore can't offer comfort because like fuck he's gonna accept that. So she's got priorities and it's a situation that means no way you spin it can Shinji get his needs met without derailing something major but of course HE doesn't know that he has no way of knowing he just has to endure the bullshit and it's not fair but they're fair from reaching the kind of world where fairness can be a concern. HOWEVER, I find it very very interesting that elio know Catrina as a very matronly goddess, someone who took care of her people first. However, and this makes me think towards what Samy said about Catrina not being the goddess elio think she is in that one Tumblr post that made me loose my shit because HELLO? She seems much more overtly war focused as if taking care of people is secondary. Now, there's a high chance she switches additudes with the environment, as most people do, but it's interesting to me how her constant ignoring of Shinji's expressions of emotion, though she is NOT invulnerable —and I think I might spy the pattern of having one character be largely unphased by another's expressions of power so that when that person, in this case Shinji, really well and truly blows up towards the climax, the observing character (catrina's) reaction of open fear and shock is a queue to the audience that shit is well and truly really spiralling outa control now — stands in direct contrast with Elio's perception, also curious about how this might reflect Mexican femininity if that's a part of this

minute 36

omg haha are you ignoring the inherent immorality of utilitarian revenge for the instinctual satasfaction of bringing a sense of justice for the grievances and atrocities committed against you and yours to the horror of possible allies and with an amount of collateral damage that will eventually be your victorious downfall in that the soil of the kingdom you now rule is rich with the blood of everyone who could have hurt your but still too desolate to plant the seeds of a new world ? Haha that's so cool...

[ID: the debby ryan hair tuck meme]

and I think elio's gonna balance the violence back out to it's some murder some sincere caring and that is chefs kiss

I hope lmao

I actually love disgusting wet and repulsive sounds design portraying biological slights against God rip to Shinji but I'm different.

FROGGIE? [i have priorities, clearly]

minute thirty eight

Samar would fucking hate this btw

like yes war of perception, perception is fear which creates demons but I think with her approach to fighting demons she'd be morally repulsed by the idea of breeding fear in the people you're trying to free. Sexy sexy conflict

minute thirty nine

no yeah "there are no innocents in these lands" places ya squarely in you can do fuck yourself territory. I hope Shinji fucking decks her.

minute fourty

dreamy sigh Shinji's such a fucking badass I think he should wreck shit more often I think he might enjoy arson he should do arson!

minute fourty

"perpendicular to the ground" ANIME SHIT—RAD.

Out of my chair

SHINJI MAKES HIS FAITH SHINJI MAKES HIS CONVICTION DID HE JUST FUCKING MAKE IT HEREDITARY?? OBSESSED WITH THE IMPLICATIONS OF THAT THREAT AND ALSO AAAAAAA HES SO COOOOOOOOL

minute fourty one

[re:samar] Ah he said it.

End of EP

yk, I'm happy with that

Fucking heaping serving of everything I could've wanted. 10/10.

in conclusion

after mellowing on it I mean...I have SO many thoughts. But my head is also super fucking empty at the same time. All of it was perfect, like, what? What do I even do about it? i just gush I guess.

#desperado podcast #desperado podcast spoilers #edil liveblogs desperado pod #edil liveblogs #yeah. need to kind of mellow on this episode y'all it was incredible.

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shit-scfandom-did · 4 years ago

Note

so i have a few questions

1)i cannot understand how you ship k*ramel. their relationship was FILLED with toxicity. from mon-el failing over and over again to listen to what kara had to say to him basically telling her to give up being kara danvers. convincing her that "being supergirl and having you is enough” was absolutely horrible. karamel had their moments but overall it was toxic. then in s3 mon el was married and the whole point of season 3 was allowing them to move on. accepting the toxicity from s2 and pushing past that romanticized time. mon el was a better person by 3b but he was still married. even if mon el and imra did break up in the finale there’s no future for karamel. even during 5x13 kara went to ask on advice about lena. and when winn came to visit from the future not a word about him. she’s moved on and it just wouldn’t make sense for kara to end up with him.

2) how can you hate lena so so so much?? it’s been said over and over again that all she’s ever wanted to do is good. though she’s designed to be this morally grey character. she has FLAWS but that’s what makes her so good. she’s a victim of abuse and you can see her struggle with that especially in seasons 4 and 5. in 5 she definitely goes down a questionable path but how can you expect her not too? after being emotionally abused by her brother, betrayed by her family, andrea (this did happen before kara), and then eve. finding out that kara and EVERYONE she loves has betrayed her as well. I mean how could you not go mad?? and even when she “went mad” she was trying to rid humanity of PAIN. something she later realized was a necessary part of life. her hurt blinded her from reality and lex’s manipulation pushed her down further. she’s been hurt and broken so many times and while that’s not an excuse for what she’s done you have no sympathy for her and that I find appalling. lena has realized what she’s done is wrong, that she’s made mistakes, what she did to kara, and she will have to live with that isn’t that punishment enough? she’s apologized and is trying to make up for everything she’s done by saving the world (again). your unnecessary hate towards her infuriates me. cant you take a step back and see the whole picture?

3) why DONT you ship supercorp or accept the queerbaiting? (watch this: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=C2w2GBXd_Pg) They are the core relationship of the show while the danvers sisters are the heart. they’ve gone through so so much together and practically dated in early season 2. they love each other it’s just oh so apparent. i like to believe one of the reasons lena reacted so strongly in s5 is because she was in love with kara and she couldn’t handle the person she was in love with lying to her. and kara flew around the world to get lena’s favorite food!! if that’s not romantic idk what is. I feel like you’ve developed such a clouded view of supercorp that you need to take a step back and understand what lena is the love of kara’s life.

wow what a long message. im not here to hate. im here to inform & undertand. i get it. karamel had their moments and even MY perception of them might be a little cloudy. im not going to hate you for liking them. hell I even shipped them for a little! my brother thinks 3b mon el and kara would’ve been perfect but he understands that supercorp is just where the show is leading and he wants them to be endgame. but what I will hate is your hate. what’s the point of all this? this thread, this account is going to do NOTHING. so why bother? I debated sending this and I hope I’m not too harsh at times but I really wanna see what you say. I hope you can open your eyes to lena and supercorp. maybe even become a supercorp shipper yourself!

- thanks and supercorp endgame 💙❤️

First of all, if you want to discuss ships in the future send this type of anons to facepalming-since-chernobyl, this blog is not for this, but for gathering receipts.

1.I just ship it, I don’t get why you have to understand it. It’s shipping. But if you insist:

No, it was not filled with toxicity. Count me when he failed to listen to her when they were in a relationship. Secondly, he is not a dog, he has his brain, he is his own person. People don’t always do what others asked them to do. It’s not slavery.

He has NEVER said to her to give up being Kara Danvers. How did he exactly convince her? How can you read the scene that he convinced her that being supergirl and having him is erasing Kara Danvers? In this scene he supports anything SHE WANTS to do. Also, Kara Danvers doesn’t equal Kara being a reporter in CatCo. On that moment she had her blog. She change people’s live with it like a real reporter. She took the risk and met consequences of her actions aka being fired by Snapper. Also, remind me who told her to create a blog? With your logic Lena was erasing Kara Danvers too.

Friendly reminder that he was forced to the marriage to keep peace. Also, friendly reminder Imra and the Legion out him in this situation without telling him about her plans. She and Brainiac put him there, knowing exactly how much he loved Kara and how much she meant to him. Imra knew that, that’s why she asked him to stay and solve his feelings. She said if he had come back, she would have known he had no doubts. But he wanted to stay, that’s why they broke up. He came back because once again he sacrificed himself for the greater good, like a real hero. Maybe watch the Argo eps because they clearly show that no, it was no about moving on.

It was not accepting about so called toxicity. First of all, she already forgave him that he lied. Secondly, all of she was screaming in that scene, when she was infected with M’rynn’s powers, happened before they got together and it was already approached in the musical ep. Aka, this scene had no point.

There is no future for karamel because you say so?

Kara went to asked him, because she truly believed and trusted him and his judgment. And yes, she asked about Lena and what did he said? That Kara deserved the same compassion she gives others, something Lena never gave her. And sorry, I know all scs scream the 100 ep was about sc, but it was about Kara fully realizing she is not responsible for Lena’s horrible choices. That’s it. And friendly reminder she called her a villain in the last scene. Also, the ep showed than no matter what, Lena always ends screwing something, because she has too big ego, always knows better, doesn’t stand criticism and doesn’t trust anyone.

It doesn’t make sense for you. Suit yourself.

2.Her fans made me hate her :) Thanks to them and how they excuse her every horrible action, how they treat her as a victim, while she abuse everyone etc. I started to watch her more carefully. And well, she is a horrible, white, privileged capitalist, who plays god, judge, jury, has mommy issues and acts like typical Luthor while crying she is not one, while still using Luthors money and resources.

Yeah, many people want to make good and end doing evil things. Common people pay for their sins, she has never. Since allowing hostile Daxamite army to invade the Earth (also, her portal affected the other aliens who destroyed the NC), producing a device that could recofnize aliens without their consent (and it was used by Children of Liberty,)producing and lying about Kryptonite, trying to make people superpowered without any supervision, killing Adam during illegal experiment, supporting openly alienphobic president and in a way Agent Liberty, killing Lex and then blaming Kara and finally manipulating Kara for months, lying, gaslighting, yelling, making her steal Lex journal, trying to lobotomize her and tortured with kryptonite, hurting every way possible, physically and mentally. Working with mass murderer, enslaving 3 people (kidnapping Eve, without her consent putting AI into her mind, basically RAPING her brain and making her a puppet in her own body; enslaving end experimenting on Malefic and Russel – threatening to kill him to steal Andrea’s necklace) – none of it are flaws. It was horrible abuse and violating every human right and the fact some people excuse it is disgusting.

First of all, being victim of abuse doesn’t give you the rights to HURT other people. The fact I have to explain pains me. Secondly, what abuse exactly? Lillian didn’t love her? Lex kidnapped her? Said he was going to kill her? You know what? Winn HAD HORRIBLE past and he didn’t turn into a murderer. Mon-El was abused by his mother and never tortured Kara with Kryptonite. J’onn killed a lot of white martians but last time I checked he doesn’t feel good about it. Also, never said the things he has done were GOOD. See a difference?

Yeah, and all of it, still doesn’t give her the rights to torture people. Also, friendly reminder she lied to Supergirl about Kryptonite in s3, much before the whole drama. Remember how she destroyed the life of a girl that stole boyfriend in middle school? It clearly shows she always had THAT in her. Plus, sorry not sorry, if she wanted different life, outside her family she could have easily done that. She was in Star City, with Jack, doing her researches, making her career. And she threw it all away, because she WANTED to be a Luthor.

Plus, sorry not sorry, if you feel betrayed and hurt because your friend didn’t tell you something she didn’t OWE you, you go to therapy, not trying to lobotomize entire planet.

Mate, she wanted to lobotomizer entire humanity, without ANYONE’S consent, because SHE, one single Lena, felt hurt. This is playing a GOD. Nothing explains it.

Planning a cold ass revenge for months is not being blinded by feelings.

Once again, even if could argue about how many times she was broken, most of that was a white privileged life she chose herself but whatever, it still doesn’t excuse her. All of she has done should meet consequences. Paying for shit you have done, accepting it, fully realizing what you have done is a part of redemption. Still in s5 she didn’t even apologize to Kara. Because she still didn’t understand what she has done and doesn’t feel sorry about it.

Feel appalled as much as you want, because I’m not going to feel sorry for a white, privileged woman who has never paid for her actions and is basically a living avatar of the worst Karen you can imagine.

She realized Lex was using her horrible experiments (remember? She experimented on puppies too) to his own agenda, that’s why she went to Kara. That’s not grasping a thing. Mhm, if you call that an apology then suit yourself. She is not saving the world, she is helping once again other people fixing the shit she created.

Feel infuriated as much as you want, because I don’t care? Especially when it comes from a person who tells others to take a step back while being totally narrow minded about Mon-El and karamel.

3.Because actors, prodcuers, writers call SC a female friendship. Mel did that in her last interview. See whatever you want but maybe stop forcing people to ship a horribly abusive ship.

Well… no. Kara is the heart and soul of the Supergirl. Alex is her most important relationship. Lena is an important friend, who doesn’t deserve it yet, but we all know Kara is the Paragon of Hope so of course she is going to forgive her.

I know you people think sc dated because they breathed in one room, but in s2 Kara dated, had sex, kissed, cuddled and enjoyed her time with Mon-El.

Yeah, they love each other as friends. It was said more than once.

That’s your delusion, you are free to do it.

Kara done that to Alex too, so you are saying she is romantically in love with her sister or something? If bringing people food is romantic and damn, most of the people I know loves me, god.

No, lena is not Kara’s love of her life.

Cool, you are not going to hate me because I ship karamel, I’m touched.

Sorry that you are going to be super disappointed in the end of the show I guess.

You will hate my hate – what’s the point of it?

Once again, because I don’t think you understand the point of this blog or read the description – it’s gathering receipts of assholes who cross tag and hate on the actors. Maybe go and search #gross hate or #cast hate on this blog so you can see how amazing your fandom is. Have fun.

I would rather eat my own shit than starting shipping the victim of abuse with her abuser.

Thanks and no :)

#anons

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stanknotstark · 4 years ago

Text

Coming Out (Loki Edition)

Thank you @bokunoluv for requesting this because it was A LOT of fun to write 😊 I only hope it lives up to your expectations! I can totally write something else with more fluff if it wasn’t enough but i wrote what I felt came natural for this particular story!

You’re not really sure when it dawns on you that you’re bisexual. It just kind of happens. You don’t make a choice it just kind of unfolds in your mind that you’ve always been but now you can label it.

Thing is, you’re dating Loki and you’re not sure how to tell him. You don’t think he’ll judge you or anything, hell Loki had told you some of his exes have been male, hell even different species that didn’t exist on Earth. So, no, he won’t judge you but it’s still something big, special, and you felt it deserved to be said not with flare, that wasn’t your style, but it should be acknowledged.

You’re sitting with Loki enjoying a late dinner because he had just come back from Asgard after a week of being gone. You totally hadn’t stolen clothes from his room and slept with them on a pillow like you were cuddling him, psh.

You begin playing with your food a bit nervous, pushing the vegetables around.

“What bothers you, darling?” Loki asks, putting his fork down and grabbing your free hand on the table.

You take a deep breath through your nose and look at the god. You open your mouth then close it. This didn’t feel like the right time.

“Nothing important right now, how was your father?” You ask knowing that relationship is a bit strained.

Loki frowns at you but truly realizes you don’t want to talk about what bothered you and lets it go.

“He is....he is good. We had a talk after mother trapped us in a room, for two hours might I add, and demanded we talk things out otherwise she would have Thor smite us both.” Loki chuckles, he looks at the table with a fond look in his eye, his thumb caresses the top of your hand. Obviously the talk went well which makes you happy for him.

“While things aren’t completely better, things are definitely getting better between us.” Loki says, looking back up at you and giving a small smile.

You smile back and flip your hand to hold his. “I’m really happy you’re working through things. I’m proud of you.” You say.

Loki practically puffs up at you saying you’re proud of him, something he hasn’t heard often.

You’re kind of happy you didn’t tell Loki right now, you really don’t want to step on his moment.

You both finish dinner in a comfortable silence and retire to Loki’s bedroom at a reasonable hour.

By the time it gets pulled up again, a few days have past.

This time you’re walking the streets of New York city with Loki, holding hands.

While you only have eyes for Loki you both had agreed that you wouldn’t get jealous if either of you appreciated someones beauty.

So, when you’re both walking the street and pass a woman who is no doubt some type of model you whistle and glance at Loki, tugging his hand to get his attention. Loki looks down at you then in the direction your nod to and sees the woman.

The woman in question is all legs and olive skin. Her hair is pitch black and flows down her back till it stops at her wide hips that are covered in some daisy dukes. When she looks up at someone she’s with her eyes are a deep, chocolate brown that someone could probably lose themselves in. Her whole demeanor oozes with confidence, she knows she looks good.

Loki hums thoughtfully and nods.

“A fine specimen, good catch sweetheart.” Loki says to you.

You smile as you both pass the woman but as you step past her you realize you pointed out a woman and feel a little defensive. Loki obviously notices your tension and frowns down at you.

“What has happened?” He asks, squeezing your hand in a way of demanding you look at him.

You follow his demand and look at him. “I just-I didn’t-Nothing, I’m fine.” You finish lamely, looking away from Loki.

Loki stops walking and you’re forced to stop too seeing as you’re holding his hand. You stand a little in front of him so Loki pulls on your hand till you’re standing right in front of him, looking at the ground while rubbing your arm with your other hand.

“Darling.” Loki whispers, the word almost swallowed by the city that thrums with life around you both but you hear it. Loki then uses his free hand to tilt your chin up and have you look at him.

“Tell me what bothers you, you’ve been hiding something from me for the past few days and I can feel it eating you alive. Please tell me?” Loki begs of you, something new that makes you realize Loki truly cares because Loki does not beg. He finds begging to be a commoner’s practice and finds himself above it.

“I do have a secret but now isn’t the time to tell you.” You say with sad eyes, glancing around at the people walking past you, at the cars passing you both in the street, at the public thriving around you.

When you look back to Loki his purses his lips but nods and starts walking again, you naturally follow him. Things stay a little tense for the rest of the day between you two but you appreciate Loki pretending everything is fine.

Later on, when you’re both laying in bed, you lay splayed over Loki’s chest, your favorite position, and he has one of his arms wrapped around your waist, the other trailing up and down your back with light touches.

“Thanks.” You randomly say into his chest that rises and falls, a calming effect to you.

“For what?” Loki asks, looking down at the top of your head.

“For not pushing me, earlier.”

You know Loki knows what you’re referencing because he says, “I hope you know you can tell me anything, darling, I am the last person in your life that may judge you for anything. Do not fear to tell me your fears and concerns, we will work at them together. You are never alone.” Loki finishes with a kiss to your forehead.

You accept the kiss and sigh, relaxing almost to a puddle in Loki’s arms.

“I will in time. I’m just looking for the perfect moment.” You tell him, looking at him through your lashes.

Loki squints at you but nods and lays his head back down on his pillow.

“Sometimes the perfect moment comes when you least expect it.” Is all he says to you. You leave the conversation at that and give him a small good night which he answers by tilting your head to give you a proper kiss then lets you get comfortable around his body and fall into a deep, happy sleep.

The whole thing isn’t brought up again until you’re in the middle of an argument with Loki.

“It was rash, what you did, and I will not stand by and watch you risk your life like that!” Loki says strongly, not quite yelling but you know he’s close to it.

“Then don’t watch me! I cannot watch as some innocent life gets killed when I know I could do something to save them!” You yell because Loki doesn’t ever understand your love for all life.

“Their life is not worth yours!”

“You don’t get to decide whose life is worth anything, that is not your choice to make, it is only my choice because it is my life!”

“Are we not together? Are you not mine? Because if you are to be involved with me, that makes your life mine to watch over!”

“You do not own me!”

Loki grits his teeth and squeezes his eyes shut, a hand coming up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

You stand a few feet away your hands balled into fists at your sides, your eyes wild with fire.

“I am not sure what is going on with you recently, first you keep secrets, stating you need the perfect moment but it has been a week and that moment has not come, I’m not sure it ever will! Now you throw your life around like there are not people who care about you, like I can live on normally if I lose you!” Loki yells out, his hand dropping to his side and his eyes burning with fear and hurt as they glare at you.

You stand there breathing, trying to calm your hurt at him not trusting you, trying to not cry in front of him. Instead you let out an upset chuckle and look away from the god. “So much for trusting me.” You say, through grit teeth, before turning and going to make your way to the elevator.

Loki grabs your wrist in a quick move. “Darling, wait, please, I do, I trust you,” Loki says to you who refuses to even look at him you’re so hurt from his words. “I trust you’ll tell me, I did not mean those words but I’m hurt and do not know what to do to make you realize you can tell me anything.” Loki finishes, his other hand that’s not holding yours right now comes up to turn you towards him but instead hesitates and drops back down to his side.

You bite your lip hard, your tears are welled up in your eyes and you’re doing everything in your power to stop them from falling.

“Just-” Your voice breaks, “-give me some time alone, please?” You beg of Loki, still not looking back at him.

Loki lets go of your hand and you rush to the elevator. A single tear falling before the doors can shut completely.

You spend hours on the roof telling yourself to go down and talk to Loki. Just tell him what you’re hiding. God, all you have to say is that you’re bisexual, it should not have gotten this dramatic. You pace the roof as you cry, furiously wiping at the stupid tears that fall.

When you do make your way down to Loki’s room he is sitting on the floor in front of the single floor to ceiling window in his room. His knees are drawn up and his arms encircle them, his chin resting on top of his knees. When you enter he doesn’t look at you. He’s obviously hurt and doesn’t want to let it out on you more.

You stand in the doorway for a few minutes deciding about how to go about fixing what’s happening right now. You decide words probably aren’t the best thing to work with and make your way over to Loki. When you stand behind him you hesitate but then grab him under the arms and pull up in a silent demand for him to stand. You’re shocked but he follows and stands. You then turn him around to look at you.

You’re sure you look a hot mess right now, blotchy face, red nose, wild hair from pulling at it, but you don’t care, you care about taking care of Loki right now. He looks down at you with blank eyes and a blank face. So you give him a sad smile and go to his dresser to fish out some of his pjs. When you’ve found a pair of shirt and pants for him you come back to Loki and undress him.

It’s a little concerning that Loki lets you push and pull at his body as if he doesn’t have any autonomy over his body right now. When you’ve dressed him you move him to the bed and lay him under the covers. You undress yourself into your bra and panties, not wanting to leave the room for anything, and crawl into bed with him and snuggle into him.

Loki lays flat on his back, he silently watches as you get comfortable around him. Your head is resting in the crook of his neck, one arm under the pillow Loki’s head lies on, the other resting on his chest. Your legs are tangled in his by the time you’re truly comfortable.

Loki doesn’t move, doesn’t touch you causing you to softly sob in his neck.

“Please, please hold me, Loki, I’m so sorry.” You beg of him.

This causes Loki to jerk and he finally wraps his warm arms around you, tightly. As he hugs you to him he whispers, “I thought I had lost you.” His voice wavers as he says this.

You swallow air, breathing in the smell of him to calm down in the crook of his neck. “Never. I just needed some time to think.” You explain quickly, your own voice trembling.

Loki squeezes you into his body, nearly making you breathless. “I love you,” Loki says softly, “I love you so much.” He says more firm.

You hiccup and pull from his neck to look at him. You always expected yourself to be the first to say it.

You laugh, sadness tinging the sound of it but you’re anything but sad. “You have atrocious timing.”

Loki laughs with you at this.

“But I love you too.” You say it back with heart, pulling Loki’s mouth to yours. The kiss is messy, your undried tears make it wet and you both kiss with a passion that causes it to be a little sloppy but you wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

The day finally comes where you can tell Loki.

You’re both cuddled up on your bed watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith. You’ve always had a thing for Angelina Jolie, while Brad is hot you would pick Angelina over him any day.

You’re both sitting up with thousands of pillows strewn across, between, and on top of you both at the headboard of the bed. Loki has his right arm wrapped behind your waist, his hand idly caressing your hip under your shirt. His left hand rests on his lap, occasionally picking at the popcorn resting between both your legs. You sit with your left arm wrapped around Loki’s waist, your right stretched across your body to rest on Loki’s thigh.

The scene playing out is when both Angelina and Brad are trying to kill each other in the house with palpable sexual tension.

“I would totally let Angelina go down on me.” You let out, randomly.

Loki hums delightfully, “I would love to watch that.”

You giggle a little then say it. “Loki, I’m bisexual.” It comes out naturally.

Loki looks down at you and smiles when you turn to look back at him.

“I know, sweetheart.”

“What?” You say a little shocked.

Loki chuckles. “Before we started dating I would catch you appreciating women’s physiques, not to mention that really flirtatious conversation you had with Natasha when Thor let you try Asgardian mead.” Loki explains. “I almost thought I would lose you too her.” He adds as an afterthought.

“I didn’t-” You frown at Loki then realization dawns on you. “Oh.” Is all you can get out.

Loki actually laughs, heartily enough to throw his head back a bit as he does.

“You cannot lie to the god of lies, darling. Not to mention, because you were so oblivious about yourself being something other than straight you made yourself very obvious to everyone.”

“Wait, everyone knows?” You ask Loki, your voice jumping a little as you try not to laugh. A little shocked at how comfortable you are with this.

Loki continues smiling and says, “Yes. Natasha and I found out first, everyone else followed not long after,” Loki squeezes you to him, glancing at the TV to watch what’s going on for a second but looks back at you, “Was this the secret you’ve been trying to find the time to tell me about?”

“Yes.” You say blushing hard, looking at the TV. Telling him seems so small now, not in an insignificant way but in a way that maybe you made the secret bigger than it truly needed to be.

Loki makes a noise of acknowledgment and grabs your chin to make you look at him.

“In this case, I suppose my magic will be handy now.”

You start to question what he means but then Loki has been enveloped by green then you’re looking into Loki’s eyes however he’s a gorgeous woman.

Your mouth opens a little, stunned, and Loki uses this to pull your mouth to hers and let her tongue explore your mouth with a smooth move. You can’t help it, you moan into her mouth and make Loki smile into the kiss.

“Oh, darling, the things I will do to ravish you in this form,” Loki says after pulling from the kiss, you whimper at the loss of tongue but your eyes brighten with all the possibilities, “I will show you just what it means to be with a woman.” Loki finishes in his, now, light, feminine voice.

You throw the bowl of popcorn across the room, not caring about the mess it makes causing Loki to laugh. Then move in a way that makes you straddle Loki’s lap, movie conveniently forgotten. As you look down at her bright green eyes and beautiful feminine face you smile and say, “You better hold yourself to those promises, my queen.”

Loki’s eyes flutter from your lips and eyes, going a bit breathless, and shivering at your new nick name for her. She smirks up at you when she gains her confidence again, making you feel powerful that you have this affect over Loki.

“I never break a promise, love.”

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