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livingwithlosingyou · 2 years ago

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Living with Losing You - 11/27/2022

Okay, now I am sick.

It finally happened. I woke up actually sick this morning. I feel like complete ass.

Anyway, this blog is going to be shorter cause I feel like shit and I didn’t do a ton today. I went to PS this morning for breakfast which was so much more tiring than I could have ever imagined. I ate that and basically sat on my ass and watched Netflix most of the day. I did leave to pick up Sadie, grab her dogfood, and then get myself lunch. That was not until about 12:30pm though. I also got the animals some Christmas themed collars (pictures will happy sooner or later). But yeah, I am just focusing primarily on resting today.

I am sad that I finished the entire series of “Dead to Me”. It was really good. I honestly appreciated how it talked about grief and loss. Makes me feel a little less crazy. Which is the perfect Segway to the fact that I struggled today. Badly. I just feel awful. Full body aches, coughing, trouble breathing, fever, etc. It’s not COVID cause I tested for it. Whatever it is, it’s the worst. I guess if I had to compare it to Hand, Foot, and Mouth though, not as bad. But still, I don’t appreciate how much I have been sick the last 4-5 months. I still can’t even believe it’s been that long.

Pho hit the spot though. I got a banana smoothie well because I was in my feels. I had sushi for dinner, and while I was waiting I went to Michaels (yes, with a mask) and bought some more Christmas décor. Retail therapy does wonders. I forgot to mention this in a prior blog, but I finally ordered myself a new Garmin watch that should be coming soon. I can’t wait for that!

If you think this blog is all over the place, you are correct. my ADHD (undiagnosed but we all know I have it lol) is so much worse when I don’t feel well.

I was supposed to go to PT tomorrow, but since I had a fever, I had to cancel my appointment. That sucks. I am also supposed to do some holiday / Christmas recording on Tuesday but my voice is shit right now.

Okay - back to what I was saying about today being tough. I just am sad that you aren’t going to be here for Christmas. I appreciated how much you supported how much I just love this holiday. It also doesn’t help that I am sick and it makes me sad that you aren’t here to take care of me like you used to. Insult to injury.

At one point I was crying and asking God to direct me to what he wants me to see (sometimes I will do this with the bible) and I literally opened it up to Job. Which, people have compared my life to at this point. Anyway, it was the section when Job was basically bitching at God like “where are you I am doing all the right things and you’re not here”. Not a direct quote (LOL), but you know what I mean. It was very telling. I prayed for your sobriety. Most of all, I prayed for your peace, and I still do. I love to sense you, but it also saddens me because I just miss you so much. I know I need to trust in the Lord and his plan, but he did make me human with 1,000 emotions. I am trying.

I really need to go to bed at a somewhat decent time tomorrow because I have to work, even if I feel like shit. There is too much to do before the NYC trip this weekend. Honestly, I need to take this week a day at a time otherwise I will get overwhelmed. AHHHHHHH.

You were the one thing that could keep me grounded. I miss that. I am figuring that out again.

Before I end this blog, I wanted to leave some lyrics that I wrote today. All about being honest and vulnerable on here so:

Does anything ever make sense? I’m putting up my tree again I don’t really wanna be around for Christmas

Everyone’s cozied up at home I’m on the couch, all alone I don’t really wanna be around for Christmas

Holly Jolly nothing It’s the worst time of the year The stockings are filled with coal and the one thing I held dear, Is, gone Like the winter As it melts into the spring I don’t really wanna be around for Christmas Season’s Greetings, fuck everything

I am clearly upset. It just feels unfair that you had to die. But, I am trying to focus on gratitude. And look, I LOVE this time of year. But it doesn’t mean that I am also not bitter. It’s hard not to be. Grief is a fucking bitch.

I love you, James. I know you loved me too.

Rest in Peace, James Burton Nichols

10/1/1993 - 7/16/2022

PS - Some not so fun pics from today.

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ashdumpsterpile · 4 years ago

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ASH’S TMA HURT/COMFORT/FLUFF REC LIST

For the gays. (And @damcrows who’s been dead for the past 24 hours. Rest in peace babe. Read some gay fic. Deny the inevitability of canon. <3)

___

the end, but the start (of all things that are left to do) by @ajkal2

Jon wakes up.

aka. mag200 tore out my heart

(Very smol, very short, very spoiler. Def recommend for anyone who just finished the podcast.)

remind me how to smile by @tamerofdarkstars

Jon is probably fine, just hiding out somewhere while the whole murder thing blows over and that's... fine. Martin is fine with that explanation. Really. He's got plenty to distract himself - like listening through the entire What the Ghost episode library, for example. Or watching Georgie Barker's Instagram livestreams.

(Yea this was in the last rec list, but you don’t understand THE ADMIRAL GIVES CUDDLES)

Chamomile by Dribbledscribbles

Whatever the ex-tea was, if it really had ever been that last bag of chamomile Martin claimed he’d found tucked in the back of the cupboard, it was fast now.

Martin had tried catching it, chasing it, blocking its way with shoebox lids and plates and an upended footstool, but the thing was just too quick. Jon knew as well as Knew that he might have left off the attempts completely if not for the creature’s preferred game.

The game was, See How Many Times I Can Push Martin Towards Cardiac Arrest Before He Comes at Me with The Broom.

(Scottish Honeymoon Era. Adorable and weird. A vampire gets harassed.)

hey stranger by @ennuijpg

It’s a late night Tesco run, how eventful could it be? It’s not like Martin is going to run into his boss who’s wearing something absurdly different from usual and get the most acute form of whiplash possible from seeing him, right?

(Martin runs into Jon at the grocery store and has an existential crisis.)

roses roses, roses. by @judesstfrancis

Rose scented laundry detergent. Running into Jon in the breakroom. Running into Jon on his way back to his desk. Rose scented detergent. Running into Jon. Roses. Jon. Roses, roses, roses.

(Canon enemies to friends to lovers au-ish. Martin POV. Very pining much sweet.)

go softly by doomcountry

And there is nothing else besides this.

(More hurt/comfort than fluff. Scottish Honeymoon Era. Mild eye mutilation.)

Not Alone by @backofthebookshelf

After the coffin, Daisy and Jon are both fragile. They hold each other up.

(Post-buried Jon&Daisy starter pack. Very hurt/comfort.)

trust my love by antlsepticeye

“you… you’re real, aren’t you?” jon whispers, the fog slowly dissipating from his mind. “it is not a trick?”

“i’m here,” martin says softly, reaching up to grab jon’s hand that was resting on his cheek, intertwining his fingers with jon’s and squeezing. he moves jon’s hand to martin’s chest, resting it over his heart. “you’re alright. i’m alright. take your time, love. let’s just take some deep breaths, okay?”

(TOUCHSTARVED JON HAS ENTERED THE CHAT.)

reaching out by Athina_Blaine

By the time things settled, when Martin had finally managed to crack through his cold shell, feel some of his old self returning to him in bits and pieces, they had found their little routine.

One that had the two of them sleeping in the same bed, making breakfast, going to the mart. Where Jon reached for his wrist while they slept, and Martin luxuriated in the gentle warmth of his fingers.

But not one where Martin reached back. One that had Martin kissing Jon awake or taking his hand over the breakfast table, because ... Martin never had the courage to try. And then it never became a part of the routine.

And Martin desperately wanted it to be.

Martin and Jon have an important conversation.

(More Scottish Honeymoon Era for the soul. Hurt/comfort/fluff.)

Belabor by @janekfan

Jon's given the position of Archivist and is falling apart at the seams. Tim and Sasha are upset and playing games. Elias is overbearing and manipulative.

And poor Martin is stuck cleaning up the mess.

(THEE first fic I ever read for tma. Season 1, hurt/comfort/fluff, and hints of Jmartin. janekfan is the absolute master of seasons 1-3 hurt/comfort. This is my favorite, but pls check out the rest of their fics.)

tea, blankets, and a damnable stubborn attitude by ivelostmyspectacles

“Are you really gonna stay here and pester Jon all evening?”

“I’m not pestering him,” Martin retorted, sounding vehement if not busy going through the cupboards. “I’m heating up soup.”

“Oh, you might as well make him another cup of tea while you’re at it.”

“Oh, good idea.”

Jon shot Tim a withering look.

(The one where Jon is ill, Martin makes tea and they watch doctor who together. Fluff 1000%.)

A Kind Hand by @voiceless-terror

Jonathan Sims was adjusting just fine, thank you very much.

In which a minor workplace spill causes Jon to realize that he might have friends.

(Ah yes, the other master of seasons 1-3 fic aka voiceless-terror being my other fav author in the fandom. This one is also season 1 hurt/comfort/fluff.)

A Weather In The Flesh by @cuttoothed

"There is a span of years where Jon doesn’t touch anyone other than the occasional hand shake. It’s not so bad. He’s never been someone who’s needed physical affection."

Jon has never been any good at making people want to stick around.

(More touched starved Jon! Much hurt/comfort!)

Something Old, Something New by @cirrus-grey

Months have passed, and everyone is doing better than they were. Daisy and Basira are getting married, Melanie is feeling her old self, Georgie is as much herself as she has ever been, and even Jon has stabilized on his wild fall away from humanity. Everyone is doing better.

Well. Almost everyone.

(Daisy/Barsira wedding! Melanie is a bitch and we love her! Jmartin dance! Post-canon (almost) everyone lives!)

The Weight of Love by @voiceless-terror

Jon is a restless sleeper. Martin attempts to adjust.

(The fic where Jon is literally me and Martin attempts to sleep for 1k words.)

The Art of Conversation by @voiceless-terror

"Do you ever stop talking?"

Jon has a complicated relationship with words. Difficulties come and go.

(Jon has adhd and Martin is in love.)

Novelty by @backofthebookshelf

Jon experiences A Sexual Attraction; Martin has A Concern. They figure it out.

(Any fic that explores the ace spectrum is a 10/10. We stan all ace interpretations of jon on this blog.)

Half a Hug by Dathen

I know you weren’t going to hurt me, I trust you, he said again and again. And then a different kind of fear shone through, hollow and echoing: “Please don’t stop touching me."

Or: Life is hard when you're touch-starved but have trauma related to your closest friend. Spoilers through TMA 132.

(Honestly bless every author who saw jon&daisy and was like. They’re siblings. No I will not elaborate.)

the loneliness never left me (but i can put it down in the pleasure of your company) by Athina_Blaine

It was about Martin making Jon feel safe, treasured, and loved. And it had been so, so long since anyone made him feel that way.

And, in the face of it all, Jon was starting to flounder.

(At this point I just need to make separate rec list for Scottish Honeymoon Era.)

you can watch me corrode by scarletfish

"So, how long have you been pulling this shit then?"

"I… excuse me?" Jon’s indignant, certain she can’t mean what he thinks she means.

"When was the last time you ate?"

(Georgie decides Jon and Melanie need a normal day off. Jon learns that he and Melanie have more in common than he thought.)

(Look, Melanie isn’t my favorite person in tma, but she and Jon are like THE SAME PERSON and I adore fics that elaborate on their relationship.)

Out of the Wind, In From the Cold by @ostentenacity

There are two bedrooms in the safehouse, and two beds.

For a moment, Jon considers asking to share, but decides against it with a wince. “I really loved you,” Martin had told him. Loved. Past tense. And Martin doesn’t exactly have a lot of choices right now in terms of company; it would be cruel to demand he play at feelings he no longer has just to make Jon happy.

(For a moment, Martin considers asking to share. But he dismisses the idea with a shake of his head. Jon has already done so much for him. Martin isn’t about to ask for more, especially not when it’s something he doesn’t really need. He has his right mind back, and he has Jon’s friendship. That should be enough for him. It’ll have to be.)

---

Jon thinks that Martin doesn’t love him. Martin thinks that Jon doesn’t love him. They do not, of course, discuss this. Unrequited love is already awkward enough, right? No need to dwell on it.

(THEE SCOTTISH HONEYMOON ERA FIC. IT’S ABOUT THE PINING, BEING MUTUALLY OBLIVIOUS AND FALLING IN LOVE. 10000/10.)

I Do by @voiceless-terror

“I, um- this was supposed to be a lot more romantic, I swear.” Martin looks down at the dirty bar floor. “I had it all planned out, I-I was going to take you somewhere nice, and then we’d go for a walk in the square- I’ll still do it!” He hurries to explain, as if that’s the most pressing part of this situation. “It’ll be really nice, I’ve already hired a photographer-”

In a fit of protectiveness, Martin proposes to Jon.

(Everyone lives, Martin accidentally proposes and Jon is crying in public.)

________

#lmao follow for more fic recs #ash recs #ash's rec list #ash recs fics #tma fic list #tma fics #jmart #jmartin #jon sims #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #tma fic recs

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sly-merlin · 4 years ago

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KILLING ME- 14

pairing : law student!reader + yuta

genre : (fluff) angst , mafia au/ arranged marriage au.

warnings of this chapter : cursing, mention of drugs, character death.

words : ~4k

summary :

“life’s never fair y/n. realise it as soon as you can . it is the only secret for living a regretless life.”

“ curiousity got the cat hitched”

K.M masterlist

K.M 13

TAGLIST : @kpop-choco @moon-yuta @kawaiiayasan @btm-taeyong @exfolitae @lanadreamie @cheersskznct @hyuckiesgf @theworld-accordingtocasey @simplybree

@yiyi4657 @sorrywonwoo @sillywinnergladiator @minejungwoo @leesalts @mal-nakamoto23 @ro2424 @itlittlefangirl @nctzens-world @bl–ankhaeji @jeaneteflo @nuoyii @bralessmermaid @minhoseyeliner @tyongpoetry @swimmingkpopblog @jkjkseo @orphicmoon @floralescapes

A/N : this chapter marks the celebration of this blog surpassing 600 followers! thank you so much for all the support! also for minor readers, the sfw versions of nsfw chapters are given at the end of the masterlist so check those properly before reading.

•••••••••••••

y/n! Are you sleeping?”

Registering his words, you replied in a groggy voice,“What the fuck do you want?”

“Your phone. I left mine in the medical room. I need to call Mark right now.” with some authority, he spoke.

Whining loudly, you fell back on the bed. It was only due but flailing your arms and legs like a kid in a toy store, you let out a screech full of annoyance, cursing your fate.

Were you really going to babysit him now?

"Have you suddenly lost your hearing? Stop with this sick attitude and open the door."

A puff of air left your nose, your chest moved rhythmically with your stomach and you relaxed your arms beneath your head, eyes fixed at the fan above and ears ringing with his voice. He kept calling you and after a number of shouts, you started humming to distract yourself, afraid that you'd end up helping him otherwise. That was something, naturally, you were not interested in. Last time he had ignored your voice and now nature had presented you with an opportunity to return the favour. Just with a bit less flavour.

"Are you dead?"

"Hmmm. To you, yes I am." Mumbling, you yawned and pushed yourself up to reach your side table and fishing out your earphones from the bottom drawer, you untangled them and fixed them comfortably in your ear, hiding yourself underneath the sheets.

Sonata no.14 instantly transported you away from the noise and the stress that was your unwanted husband, yuta. The smile playing on your lips widened as you realised that you were his only mode of communication at the moment.

But You were going for a nap. Until then, he could wait. And thrash. And cry. Or die.

Rubbing the sleep out of your eyes, you rotated the handle of the door to walk outside but your little trip was interrupted when your body collided straight into a wall. No. The obstruction was too soft for a wall.

Opening your eyes properly, you saw yuta standing stiff. Surprised at the sudden appearance, you immediately stumbled back and in hurry, hit your spine on the wooden door. The glare of his eyes, that always spoke more than you could comprehend, coupled with a clenched jaw, was not a very pleasant sight for sure yet you found it harder to dart your own eyes away from him.

"Your phone" he seethed, breathing deeply.

"Huh?" You croaked out.

He raised his brow and in an instant, the previous scenario played like a short movie in your head. Snapping your head down, you regarded his leg with pity. He obviously noticed it immediately but seemed to ignore it and refrained from saying anything. Good for you, you thought.

"Are you deaf?"

Your furrowed brows met his eyes and with a roll of his own, he picked up his finger to force his demand but you managed to walk back inside your room before he could've done that.

Your back faced him as you contemplated your options while slowly stretching your arm to reach for your phone on the other side of the bed.

should you even be giving him your phone?

You had more trust in Taeyong than the man you shared a roof with so there was no way you were doing that.

Unbeknownst to you, yuta was watching your movements intently and the way you bobbed your head, he knew you were scheming something so he decided to be polite for a moment. Only until you were needed. Or your phone was needed.

Once the phone was in your hand, another thought crossed your mind.

"Wait. Where is the house phone?" Crossing your arms, you asked him slyly, already knowing the answer

"You fucking never got it installed. It's still in its stupid package" he seemed rather impatient.

"And you could've called reception through the door telecom. He would have phoned Mark for you. These rich apartments certainly have more hospitality tha-

"I CAN'T GO AROUND DISTRIBUTING AN UNDERGROUND CRIMINAL'S CONTACT NUMBER TO EVERYONE"

He inhaled and exhaled and you just watched until he opened his eyes again, hand reaching out to you.

"Chill. I've every right to be sceptic especially when you are the one asking for it."

Finding Mark's number on your phone, you called him.

Yuta's hand threaded through his rough hair as he noticed what you were trying to do.

"Hey mark!" Your chirpy voice resounded in the room and yuta was sure this was some different spirit speaking. You sounded too bubbly for the way you were investigating him just a second ago.

"Yes yes. His phone exactly.i don't trust him enough to hand over my phone so that's why I'm calling you myself. Just hurry up if you can or you might have to clean up a dead body in the next few hours."

With that you cut the phone. Without meeting yuta's gaze and resting your hand on the handle, you mumbled,

"He'll be here in an hour."

You were about to close the door when he stopped it with the palm of his hand, alerting you with the force.

"Tell him to get some food too."

And limping, he retired back, to the couches.

Sighing, you messaged mark. Had it been for something else, you'd have ignored but your own stomach had signalled you that it needed some good food so you chose not to fight against your own body.

Now, only the taste of the food could decide how many days you were going to tolerate that barbaric human.

"Are you still going to that stupid internship?" Johnny hesitantly murmured from your desk chair while taking big bites from the plate.

"It's not stupid please! I’m just waiting for them to actually pay attention to my awesome capabilities so they can transfer me to the main branch. This is not bad either but”, you stopped to lick your forefinger and tasting the sauce, continued, “but I really wanna go into the criminal unit. That’s where the actual fun is. As long as i’m being paid decently, i’ll suffer with the stupid research work here.”

“With the tongue as sharp as yours, I think you should be getting ready for a demotion instead” he laughed, showing you his fake bunny teeth in the most annoying and childish way.

“Ha ha ha ha. Some well wisher you are! Thank you so much for looking out for me but I'll be fine. Who knows the gatekeeper’s pay package is more than me. So it’d be a win-win in that case too I guess?” when you did a drum roll with your chopsticks to stress upon your point, he laughed harder.

"So being broke is the new black?" Rolling his eyes, he dragged out, "I swear you kids don't know how this world works."

"And you, grandpa of the century, knows?"

"I'm aware of what I need for my survival and from what I've learnt, you can either take risks or look for job security. In your case, " he fake coughed, "where the proportions of risk taking have already exceeded the acceptable limit, a job security is the best and safest option to choose."

"And that would justify my greed and desire to work for the biggest company of this city."

"Kun. The security you need and the independence you seek would be given by kun. Chois are hmm how to say? Cheap? Yeh cheap. They have no work ethics. "

"Have you worked with them, johnny?"

"No. I'm ju-

"Then was your ex a choi?" You saw his eyes comically and cutely widening at your remark.

"No. My ex wasn't a choi and that's not what I'm saying and you know that."

"Oh. So your ex wasn't a choi. Then a lee? Kim? Im? Oh my god! Look at your cheeks seo!" You dragged out. He shook his head as you kept wiggling your brows at him.

"She was a kim but that doesn't mean I would hate all kims dude. That's baseless and stop ignoring the topic. I want you to apply in Kuns. It's the best option. Do it as soon as you-

"Yeah yeah we'll see about that. First take that bitch back. I can't even nap in his presence. "

"Umm. Yeah. You gotta tolerate him. And besides he's injured. Injured yuta is like a gun without a bullet. He's gonna shout for a day or two and then peace out. He'll be sleeping and reading in his room and you won't even know if he's alive or not."

"Now that's bullshit. What is he going to do here anyway? I hope he can hop himself on one leg because even if the sun rises from the north, I am not going to do a single task for him. He can die hungry , for all I care.”

“Do you think you can endure him for some tasty dinners?”

Clicking your tongue, you quipped, “Do you really think you can buy me with a few homemade meals?”

Day 1

Yes. you were sold. The moment the tasty noodles had melted in your mouth, you knew you had no dignity. And you were indeed ashamed of yourself.

Earlier, Renjun had called you to inform you that he had delivered the food and medicines for yuta and had left your dinner box but he had failed to mention the special and endearing note that was pasted on the glass box. In the curvy letters, it read bitchy piglet and you swore the only person you’d be killing before yuta would be jaehyun. But you were going to use jaehyun to build up your tolerance instead.

When you went out to clean your dishes, he was playing some game on his phone, excitement evident from the way he was laughing every other second. Maybe if he remained occupied, he would not be so insufferable.

Day 3

"Oyii! Oyii!"

No. You were wrong. He was very very much insufferable.

At midnight, his voice echoed, disturbing your sleep. You cursed at the cool atmosphere that had prevented you from using the air con which otherwise would have blocked his annoying screeches. But it seemed like bad luck wanted to change its name to y/n instead. With your name being called like a broken record, it was a fight between you and him that you were not going to lose. Shuffling to your side, you covered your ears with the other pillow and tried to drown out the annoyingly demanding and hoarse voice. There was no way you were giving him the satisfaction of having any power over you. He could cry for all he liked!

“What the fuck do you want at this hour?”

Attempting a glare at him through sleepy lids, you spewed with irritation. Unlike you, he was very much awake, breathing with the sole purpose of making you question your whole existence.

“Pillow” scratching his non-existent beard, he mumbled.

Your nostrils flared and jaw clenched at such inconvenient command.

“You summoned me for a pillow? A pillow that can normally be found on a person’s bed? Can you please rectify your demand or did I just simply hear something wrong?”

The opened curtains and the moonlight that drenched the room was the only source that illuminated his face for you and even with drooping eyes, you could see how serious he was and yet you couldn't hold your tongue back because he simply deserved every shit you bestowed him with.

“Turn the lights on and count the pillows on my bed! And when you are done, get me some pillows from your room.” he simply stated.

“Why should i give you my pillow? I need them!”

“Because I don't use a pillow and I need it asap!”

“Then why do you suddenly need one? To disturb my sleep? Oh that makes sense.” and suddenly, your eyes had synced with your body to side with your fight mode.

“I need them for elevating my leg. The bandage is too tight and it’s not comfortable.”

“Then why don't you walk out of the room and get some cushions for yourself!” you raised your volume.

“Because my leg is in pain and i’m unable to get up? What makes you think I'm dying to see your ugly face at this time of the night. I dont wanna have nightmares of you as well but i can't help it ok!”

“you should have kept them near you. And who are you calling ugly hmm? You poop fac-

“Okay scream for all you want! But get me a pillow when your battery dies down!”

“What the fuck d- are you covering your ears? Wow ways to be generous!”

Stomping your foot, you left the room to get the hardest cushion on the couch.

“Here! Next time call Mark if you want anything. Don’t raise your voice ever again to call me because unlike you, i have work in the morning and hence I need some sleep..”

Just when you were about to leave after shoving the cushion in his hand, he spoke up again,

“This is damn hard! I asked for your pillow specifically and not th- AHH!”

A scream left him as you harshly removed the support , leaving his leg to painfully meet the mattress.

“How about you fix your attitude before fixing your leg?” suggesting, you dropped the cushion on the floor and left.

He didn't call you after that. Nor that you cared. However, the sleep in your eyes somehow vanished. Dancing on your sides didn’t help. Neither did drinking a glass of water. So, with a groan, you listened to your conscience and picked up your extra pillow that was sadly too perfect for your enemy.

Padding to his room, you tried your best to scrutinise and hearing his heavy snores, you placed the pillow right under his thigh and the cushion under his calf. Scoffing at his sleeping figure, you internally groaned to remind yourself that you hadn't done it for him. It was just a debt. For the blanket he had once covered you with. Nothing more and nothing less.

Day 5

You just wanted him out of your hair. He was just being a load on your head. At first, only the work was kicking your ass, then jungwoo was kicking you like a punching bag for an hour straight and adding to your distress was yuta.

"I'm not your maid! Stop piling up the dishes for me. I've had enough mercy on you. From today onwards, get a cleaner for yourself or buy disposable cutlery. I'm not going to clean after you!"

With a roll of his eyes, he had ignored you.

And so did you. Pasting a warning note on the sink tap, you had left for the library with a dying hope that maybe the kitchen would be spotless on your arrival or you'd be dialing some numbers in the evening.

For someone who despised the solemn atmosphere of libraries, you had successfully spent 11 hours in the said hellish room. It was 11 p.m and you wanted to sleep, more than anything but here you were, waiting for yugyeom so he'd just pick you up for a good drinking session that you were dying to have.

Fortunately, you weren't the only one who had missed living these past days. Everyone, for different reasons, was suffering so you felt a little less bad for yourself even though you knew your troubles were far more grave than their academic burdens.

"Wake up shorts" someone whispered in your ear. Squirming on your seat, you whipped your head in your sleepy state and found jungkook caressing your head, goofily smiling at you.

"I thought you wanted to hang out till the next morning" air quoting the last words, he picked up your bag.

"Yeah. Let's go. I'm all ready for a night full of vodkas." You yawned out.

"Definitely. No. You are going home. We can have a small get together me and yuggy are done with our final project." He dragged you out into the parking lot.

" I feel like it's been years since we got drunk together. You are never here anymore!" You whined at him, complaining your heart out.

"I will be. Soon. Then we can celebrate your little choi job as well."

"Oh please. Don't even mention it. If I had penny for every time they rolled their eyes at me, I'd be richer than your parents kook." You huffed out and as his gentle laugh surrounded you, you closed your eyes resting your back against the seat, expecting to be up by the time he'd park.

But the next day, you woke up tangled in the sheets of your bed, unaware of the events of the previous night.

When you had warned yuta about the dirty dishes, you hadn't expected him to fill the corners of the kitchen with disposable containers. It looked like you had missed a whole drama while sleeping in the library. The kitchen was shining except for the new utensils. But as long as you were not babysitting him, you were fine with anything. You didn't want to jinx your relief, however, you were glad you would be able to get some work done. finally.

You had spoken too early for your own good. Just when you sat down to write your paper, passionate and enthusiastic howls of that man pierced through your earphones and once again, you opened the window and hopped outside, in the balcony, ready to drown him out. Sipping on your lemonade, you gaped at the scenery the not so distant traffic provided you with and somehow, your thoughts wandered to the only person these horns reminded you of. Johnny.

What are you doing? Your fingers hovered over the text but once again, you deleted the message, declaring it to be too childish for someone as mature as him. Maybe you were just being silly. Maybe you were not. But who was going to put a stamp on your maybe?

Tears pricked your eyes as the harsh words of your senior thundered in the room. He kept shouting and you had no option than to consume each and every word he directed at you. Even if you were being insulted in front of your twenty other co-workers, staying quiet was the best option, you ascertained. so along with your saliva, you gulped your explanations down your throat.

Howsoever unconscious, you were still in the wrong. There was no excuse as to why you had mailed the wrong bills, apart from the headache that was caused by the person possibly lying on the sofa and watching t.v back home. No matter how much you tried to run away from his existence, he had somehow managed to let himself inside your head.

Glaring at the kid who asked for his turn on the park swing, you pushed yourself a little higher, letting the wind greet your stinging eyes as it hit your face in waves. Your phone buzzed in your pocket and you chose to ignore jungwoo for a day as it was the time, you decided, to let all the lessons that the past few months had taught you sink into your mind, to bleed into your soul so you won’t ever be able to deviate from them. Ever.

Only if that was so easy. You knew blaming others for your problems was no solution but trivialising them by not paying heed wasn't a smart move either.

When you reached home, your frustrations had died down. So when yuta simpered and pointed towards your empty container, telling you how he had already finished your supposed dinner, you simply rolled your eyes at him, robbing him of whatever he wanted to achieve by riling you up. Heating up the water, you were about to open the noodles packet when yeong called you.

You stared at the shattered phone screen in disbelief as the endless tears ran down your cheeks. As you verbalised the words to yourself again, your body met the floor with a thud.

Jungkook. Drugs. No more.

Three words had silenced the screeches in your head and your mind busied itself in rejecting what you had heard for it had to be a lie. But what how were you going to ignore the heart wrenching screams that yeong had let out. How were you going to dismiss the truth.

How were you all going to accept it?

••••••••••••••••

next update: Some day between 5-7 June.

#nct-writers #neowritingsnet #cznnet #kafenetwork #nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct fluff #nct x reader #nct smut #nct angst #nct mafia #nct reactions #yuta scenarios #yuta imagines #yuta smut #nct arrange marriage #yuta angst #yuta mafia #johnny scenarios

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serafilms · 3 years ago

Note

Hi Ash!I'm not sure if you still write for dc but in case you do,i'm here to resend my request!Can you please write headcanons for Jason Todd x gender neutral!Reader where Y/n was adopted by Clark and Lois when they were 10 because Lex Luthor killed their parents in a rampage across the city and that caused them to unlock their pyrokinesis(fire powers)so Clark took them under his wing as his sidekick so that's how they met Jason?They have anger issues like Jason which their adoptive parents took them to anger management classes for as a kid and they worked and go by Clark's last name(Kent) + the hero name 'Sparks' so Jason calls them 'Sparkles' and the main plot is them getting together after Jason comes back to life?

jason todd x pyrokinesis!reader hc's

↳ pairing – jason todd x gn!pyrokinesis!reader

↳ genre – headcanons; bulleted scenarios; fluff; gender neutral reader

↳ warnings – mentions of death

hi frankie! when i moved blogs, i decided to reinvent my masterlist to fit my current interests, and i realised that dc doesn't fall under that category so i put a miscellaneous section of the masterlist for the odd thing i may write. so yeah while i don't write for dc anymore, i still wanted to write this for you as my friend and one of the best supporters i have on tumblr <3333 (i've also put atla and pj under misc as i don't see myself writing for them a lot, and well, you saw the announcement). i hope you like this!

10 years old was a rough age for you

you suppose it all started when lex luthor staged an attack on metropolis

you had been asleep at the time but your parents had woken up in a panic

they had yelled at you to wake up and run

so you did

when it was all over you couldn't find your parents anywhere and your house had essentially collapsed on itself

it wasn't all that hard to figure out what happened and you found yourself falling to your knees and crying

something snapped inside of you and the next thing you knew you were surrounded by a ring of flames

and that was when clark found you

as superman ofc

he saw your powers in action and had a big oh my god moment and decided he couldn't just leave you on the streets

so he took you in

it was tough goings at first

you had a lot of difficulty controlling your powers, and even more difficulty controlling your emotions

you found yourself exploding at the tiniest things

both metaphorically and literally

clark did his best to train you, but hero training and emotional training are two very different things, so you had yet to prove that you could be brought into a field as a sidekick

eventually clark and lois had to bring you to a specialist to work through your anger

your attitude became better

you had less outbursts

and you were more in control of your powers than ever

finally you were allowed to go out into the field

your first mission ever was a situation in gotham city that had gotten out of hand

and it was there that you met batman and robin

you and jason were snarky with each other at first but eventually you called a truce and made peace with each other

and you two became the best of friends

for the next few years you two would do everything together (that you could, living in different cities)

you understand each other well, having similar pasts and even more similar personalities

when he died you were devastated

your emotions were out of check and clark had to pull you from field work and put you behind a desk so you wouldn't burn down metropolis

after a few months you were ready to go back into the field again and for a while you tried to enjoy it

it was nice getting back out there

but it wasn't the same

so you quit and decided to focus on the last few years of high school and then college

clark and lois had become parental figures to you and they wholeheartedly supported your decision

so that's what you did

you moved on with your life

it wasn't easy, but you tried to live out the rest of your adolescence and beginning of your adulthood as best you could

when the time came for you to go away to college you said your goodbyes to them and your old friends and moved away, to a crappy little apartment closer to your school in gotham

gotham may be a freak show, but goddamn their universities are good

yeah ok shh it's for the plot

you didn't have any roommates and it was a somewhat unsafe area, but it was still pretty average and heaven knows you could take care of yourself

it was in this apartment that you and jason met again

clark had told you about a new vigilante with a red helmet and leather jacket who had been causing trouble in gotham

he still kept you in the loop even though you had quit the hero business years ago

sometimes you thought he might just want you back as a sidekick

i mean you were pretty amazing

you didn't really think much of it

new vigilantes, heroes, and villains popped up all the time so it wasn't anything surprising

until of course he showed up in your living room

you were in the kitchen cooking a budget college student dinner (toast. it was just toast.)

"can i get some of that?"

cue heart attack

"WHAT THE FUCK"

you shot a blast of fire towards him, it he dodged and it disintegrated out the window

"whoa, whoa, whoa. it's me"

he took his helmet off

"jason? wtf"

you couldn't believe it

you'd literally talked to bruce

you were sure jason had died

there was no way you were mistaken

"hey sparkles"

"stfu bitch ur dead"

"yea about that lol"

you spent the next 2 hours sitting around your kitchen bench eating toast and drinking tea, trying to catch up with each other and make sense of what happened (jason and then you, respectfully)

it was really nice

you offered jason a place to stay for the night since it was getting late, and he accepted

the two of you lay in the dark of the living room that night, pretending like you were middle schoolers having a slumber party, and not young adults who had just reunited for the first time ever

but the next morning you woke up to the shower running and when jason came out, dressed in his clothes from yesterday but still with wet hair

you couldn't help but

notice him

dying and coming back to life really did something for him

and this became a regular occurrence

every now and then, red hood would pause his duties to come visit you and hang out

he would make sure you're ok in your sketchy little neighbourhood and you would reassure him with a small demonstration of your powers that you were fine

jason knew you could take care of yourself, but it had been years since he'd seen you, and since then you'd retired as a superhero

he couldn't help but be a little worried about you

so this routine continued for a while until one night you were lying side by side on your bed watching this show you had become obsessed with after jason's death (that he obviously missed because he was dead)

and you fell asleep and CUDDLED HIM

while you were dozing off, somewhere in the state between awake and asleep, you felt him kiss your head and whisper "i love you sparkles"

the next morning you were in a daze

you couldn't do anything properly and almost burned the pancakes you were making

"whoa, you ok, sparkles?"

you turned abruptly

"did you mean it?" "huh?"

"last night, when you said you loved me"

"WTF YOU HEARD ME" "YEAH"

awkward silence

"well,,,,, yeah"

"oh,,,, cool,,,, well me too"

"hUH?"

"i love you"

*open mouthed fish jason*

"hurry up and kiss me, jackass"

and you all lived happily ever after :)

#dc #dc comics #dc imagines #jason todd #jason todd imagines #jason todd x reader

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shinsoussimp · 4 years ago

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can i request keigo with a fem s/o who's parents are emotionally and mentally abusive? 🥺

a/n: of course anon! i also want to say that you’re not alone. i’m going through a similar situation and i know it’s hard. but you’ll get though this. just because it’s not physical doesn’t mean it’s not valid. if you are able, reach out to get help because nobody deserves to be treated this way. just know that your chosen family will be there for you. if you haven’t found your chosen family yet, you will. i promise.

a/n: for context, hawks is a little bit younger in this. like college aged before he becomes a pro. this ended up being the longest thing i’ve written on this blog but i hope you still like it :D

TW: mental/emotional abuse, graphic language

Hawks when his girlfriend’s parents are emotionally abusive

the times you spent with your boyfriend keigo were always the most peaceful. he made you feel safe and loved. which is not something you felt often. and the times where you had to go back to your own house were the worst, ever. that meant that you were going back to people that constantly beat you down. no matter how hard you tried you were never enough for them. but you were too nervous to tell keigo about everything was happening. even though at some times it was pretty obvious.

“are you sure i can’t stay over tonight?” you ask softly not so subtly trying to escape your own house for the night.

“im sorry baby girl but i have to wake so early tomorrow for training.. how about this, after class i’ll swing by your place and we can go get ice cream.” you smile and nod trying to hide the nervousness at the thought of going back home. of course ice cream with keigo is amazing, but you just really needed to be with him tonight. but because you didn’t want to inconvenience him you dropped it. after a couple more hours you were on your way back home. once you walk in the door you see your parents sitting on the couch in the living room, waiting for you. great.

“well look who decided to show up.” your dad looks up from his book narrowing his eyes at you. “care to explain what you were doing out so late?”

“i was back before curfew.” you mumble checking the time again just to make sure, you definitely were back on time.

“since when was it okay to talk to your father like that?” you mom snaps standing up and crossing her arms in frustration.

“talk to him like what?” you ask softly careful that there was no attitude in your tone. but no matter how hard you tried they always heard some.

“we’ve had enough of your behavior you ungrateful little bitch!” you try to not let their words affect you as you put your keys in the bowl by the door and walk over to the kitchen to get a drink of water.

“i bet she was out whoring around.” your dad scoffs. okay that stung. but you refuse to let them see how they were affecting you. you didn’t want to give them that satisfaction.

“if i knew our daughter would turn out like this i would have never had her..” your mom sits back down with a huff. you gulp down your water and rush to your room. right as the door shuts, a choked sob escapes. you lay down on your bed as tears rush down your cheeks, blurring your vision. looking down at your phone you pull up keigo’s contact.

“i have to wake up so early tomorrow for training..” his voice rings in your head as you turn your phone back off. you can’t text him now, he’s probably asleep. and you wouldn’t want to be the reason that he’s tired in the morning. so you hug your pillow and cry until you feel your eyelids get heavy. you don’t even bother to change into pajamas before passing out.

the next morning your alarm blares forcing you to wake up. you groan and stretch your arms above your head. but right then you realize that your morning of peace you usually had would be gone. your parents had the day off work. you quickly get ready for class and walk over to the kitchen to look for something to eat.

“you really have the audacity to show your face after storming off like such a brat last night?”

“i’m sorry.” you mumble as you grab a granola bar, shoving it in your bag. you mom scoffs and walks back into her room. great way to start your day. but luckily that’s the only comment made before you grab your keys and head off to class.

you walk into the lecture hall surrounded by half asleep students complaining about having to be there. but you always find yourself thankful that you were there and not at home. but today your mind drifts back to the awful words you have heard recently making it hard for you to focus. before you know it the bell rings. now it’s time for the guessing game. your parents have the day off, but will you be lucky enough that they decided to go out and do something? or will you see their cars when you pull into the driveway. sadly it was the latter. you pull your keys out of the ignition and trudge up to the front door. once you open it you hear screaming. great, they were fighting with each other today too. the only thing keeping you sane at the moment was that you got to go out with keigo today. after changing into better clothes and fixing your hair, you stand in front of your parents waiting for them to notice you, and once they do, they scoff and roll their eyes.

“what do you want?” your dad snaps. you sigh and look down at your feet mustering up enough courage to speak.

“i-i’m going out..” even though you expected it, it still made you jump when your dad slammed his fist on the table.

“are you kidding me?!” your mom screams. “everything we do for you and this is how you repay us? by going out to see that little fuckbuddy of yours?!” but little did you know that the “little fuckbuddy” was standing outside the front door with a bundle of roses in his hands. and the window was open.

“you’re disgusting y/n. i thought we raised you better than this.” your dad spat out.

“he’s my boyfriend.” you try to defend yourself but you cringe at how small your voice sounds.

“y/n, no he’s not. even if he says he is, nobody would want to be with you for any longer than like a month.” your mom says with a sickeningly condescending voice. and by now, keigo has heard enough. he can’t even stop himself from banging his fist so hard on the door that he would be worried it might break if he wasn’t so angry. you jump at the sound and turn to look at the door. you didn’t realize he was here, but now you’re just praying that he didn’t hear anything. your parents put on their facade as the loving parents that they are far from and walk towards the door.

“you must be keigo! we’ve heard so much about you.” you mom smiles.

“only good things!” your dad reaches his hand out to shake his and keigo scoffs.

“wow if i hadn’t heard everything before this i would probably believe that this is how you actually act.” his words shock all three of you.

“excuse me?” you dad questions, a bit of the regular anger evident in his voice starting to peek through.

“y/n get over here.” keigo says with soft eyes. you immediately walk towards him but your mom’s arm across your chest stops you.

“she’s not going anywhere.” you mom says with a clenched jaw.

“i suggest you get your hands off her before i call the police.” keigo raises his eyebrow, trying his best to keep a calm demeanor. the arm moves out of your way and you move to stand next to keigo.

“you disgust me. i hope one day you can see how much you fucked up by treating y/n this way. and the fact that a childless student like me can see that this is no way to raise a kid, meanwhile you two think it’s okay, shows how fucked you are in the head.” keigo places his hand on the small of your back and leads you to his car. he opens the door for you and puts your seatbelt on. you sit there still trying to figure out what just happened. he quickly drives away but stops the car again once he’s around the corner. he runs over to your side and opens the door. his hands cupping your face and wiping tears that you didn’t even realized had fallen down your cheeks.

“did they ever hit you?” his eyes, full of panic, roam your body and face. you shake your head and he sighs, pulling you into a tight hug.

“i don’t want you going back there. they don’t deserve to have someone as amazing as you in their presence.” you pull away and look down at your lap.

“kei i don’t really have anywhere else to go.”

“are you kidding? you’ll obviously be staying with me.” he smiles softly but the smiles drops when you shake your head.

“i don’t want to get in the way..” you say softly and his expression changes to one of pain. his eyes well up with tears when he remembers his words from the night before.

“i have to wake up so early tomorrow for training..”

“baby i’m so sorry. i’m so so sorry. i didn’t mean it like that you’re never in the way, i promise.” he’s mentally slapping himself because if only he realized what was going on sooner. maybe he could have kept you from getting hurt more. you look at him, able to tell exactly what he was thinking.

“it’s okay kei, you had no way of knowing.” he pulls you into another hug and runs his fingers up and down your back.

“you’re staying with me, okay? we’ll figure out how to get all of your stuff later. no one’s ever going to treat you like that again.” tears start streaming down your cheeks again and you nod. after a few minutes you pull away wiping the tears from his face as he does the same for you.

“can we go get ice cream?” you ask softly.

“yes baby girl,” he chuckles “let’s go get ice cream.”

#keigo x reader #keigo angst #hawks x reader #hawks drabble #hawks angst #hawks #bnha angst #bnha x female reader #hawks x female reader #keigo fic #hawks fic

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tinyboxxtink · 3 years ago

Text

"Caught In The Storm" *Part 9*

So....did y'all like that cliffhanger?

Because...HAHAHA JK THAT'S NOT THE ENDING.

No, but actually...it was the original ending, but the original ending ended up being REALLY short. So, I wrote an ALTERNATE ending, that actually I really would prefer being the ACTUAL ending, but it had to go a different direction BEFORE the cliffhanger, so....you see my dilemma.

SO---

Here's what we're gonna do:

I'm going to put the ORIGINAL ending first, and then space it out, and put the ALTERNATE [better tbh] ending.

That way, you can have both. And I don't have to backtrack to undo my mistake due to my ADHD brain changing things 24/7.

Kay? Cool.

Also no neither of these are the ACTUAL ending, I refuse to have an odd number of chapters. REFUSE. So chapter 10 will be like an epilogue. Don't look at me like that.

Tag List

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@word-scribbless

@milkshqke

@wanniiieeee

@aprildecker-blog

@gibbs274

@lolliepopsicle

@objection-argumentative

Part 10 (Epilogue is here!)

(This Gif is For the FIRST ending, there's a 2nd GIF that would be SPOILERS.)

Short Simple Ending #1

Raphael sat in his loft drinking scotch, for which he had done most of the day. He wasn't dressed, he hadn’t showered, he was a mess. He didn't know if he could ever come out of this. He sat there wallowing in his regret and sorrow, going over every interaction you two had ever had in your entire lives of knowing each other pinpointing everything he could have done differently. What he should have done differently, and the fact that if he had, you'd be there with him right now instead of getting married to someone you didn't love. He's just in the middle of chastising himself again when he heard a knock at the door.

“Liv, I told you I don't need your help; You can't help me right now!” he yelled to the door

“It's not Liv…”your voice came softly through the door.

His eyes lit up, he raced to the door and threw it open. Revealing you and your wedding dress, sopping wet.

“Well I hope you're happy!” you stomped into his apartment angrily.

“...What would I be happy about? Where is your husband? He asked half jokingly.

“I Don't HAVE a husband,” you spat.

“Really now?” He was enjoying this too much.

“No, I don't. And you just made me humiliate a poor, generous, loving, caring, amazing man. And I just dumped him in front of all of his friends and family, and in front of a million fans on a live stream and now everyone knows and I'm probably laughing stock right now!!!” you screamed angrily, pacing the apartment.

“I did all that?” He smirked.

“Yes, you did!” you crossed your arms as you walked back to him.

“And how did I do that?” He took both of your hands and pulled you closer, still smiling like a Cheshire cat.

“By telling me you love me!!!” you kept your angry face stoic. “How could I marry Nathan when I knew that I was supposed to be with someone else?”

“You couldn't,” He smiled.

“I couldn't…” You whispered as he pulled you even closer and took you in his arms.

“I love you Rafael,” you looked right into his big green eyes. It was the first time you had actually said it to him in those exact words, with all the love and emotion you had always meant it to be.

He stared at you for a moment, running through the words in his mind. He had yelled them so angrily and upset at you last night, not the way you needed. Not the way you deserved.

“I love you too, Y/N,” He smiled, cradling your face before pulling you into another mind blowing kiss; it had only been the second time you had ever kissed in your lives but it felt like you had done it a million times, like it was supposed to be this way. Like it was always supposed to be this way.

You were so glad you stayed through the storm.

-----

Actual" Really Long, Detailed, Funny Ending #2

-----

"But you don't love him,'' Rafael pointed out.

"You don't know that!" You snapped.

"Yes I do!" He shot back.

“How could you possibly know that?”

"Because you have never looked at him the way you look at me!" He exclaimed.

Your face went from upset and sad, to absolute rage after hearing him say that.

"You arrogant, selfish, son of a bitch…" you growled.

"How DARE you say that to me?! How DARE you use my own feelings and how much I loved you against me? Get out," You grabbed his arm and dragged him to the door.

"No look I'm sorry Y/N, but it's true. You don't love him and you're only marrying him to spite me!" He continued to dig himself a hole.

"So what?!” You said without thinking, making you both go wide eyed and silent.

“Are-- Are you serious?” He stammered.

“What if I was?” You now had an idea reeling.

“Wha...why would you…?” His eyes narrowed.

“Let’s say that I don’t believe you right now, which I don’t. And I kick you out of here, and I go through with my wedding in the morning? After ALL of this?” You gestured between the two of you.

"You're drunk, aren't you?" Rafael asked as he eyed the two empty bottles of champagne.

"Don't even-- Maybe," You stood in front of the view of the bottles. You waved it off, trying to focus.

“What if I told you that the ONLY way that I will believe that you are completely serious and NOT just drunk, is if you try and stop my wedding?” You smirked.

“You’re not--” Rafael started to laugh, but you kept a serious face on. “Seriously?”

“I don’t know Rafael, I guess we’ll see tomorrow who’s ‘serious’ and who’s not!” You slammed the door in his face, leaving him dumbfounded.

-------------

The next day you were in the bridal room getting ready; It was pouring rain outside, it seemed appropriate.

Amanda, Kelsey and Olivia were helping you polish your tiara, ironing your dress, fixing your makeup and all that jazz. Hundreds of fans lined outside the church since someone had leaked where you were getting married. Everything came down to this moment. It was supposed to be the biggest day of your life, and you were terrified. But not for the reasons normal brides would be worried about. For one you were hungover, and for two you had made the most idiotic ultimatum to Rafael last night. Why would you DO that?! Why did he bring out the absolute snarkiest, competitive side of you?

“You're shaking,” Amanda noticed.

“It's just nerves, you need some champagne'' Kelsey grabbed a champagne flute and shoved it in your hand; you downed it.

“You're doing the right thing,” Kelsey assured you, as if she knew what you were thinking. You looked at Olivia and Amanda.

“And what do you say?” You genuinely asked them both.

“I think that whatever you want to do is the right thing,'' Olivia replied, squeezing her hand. You smiled thankfully, glancing at the door.

He hadn’t come yet, maybe he was just drunk. Maybe he was lying in his bed hungover, wondering why he went and made an ass out of himself for no reason. Then again, maybe he was waiting for a big crowd for a huge display of affection, God WHY did you do this...

------

When it was time, you walked up to Finn who was waiting at the doors of the chapel. He was dressed in a tuxedo with a baby blue tie.

“You look beautiful, baby girl,” he smiled. “Are you ready to do this?”

“Now or never,” You smiled, still glancing at the exits. You noted the cameras that were set up to livestream this to millions of people; you had totally forgotten about that. Oh god, now if there was a “public display” it wouldn’t just go to the guests, it would be broadcast around the world!

The Wedding March began to play as the chapel doors opened. You proceeded to walk down the aisle and looked at everyone watching you. All of your past and present family from the SVU squad was there. Grandpa Kragen and Grandpa Munch, Uncle Brian, Uncle Tucker, etc.

Then you looked at Nathan's family, a bunch of white rich stuffy but welcoming people. You noticed all of the crowds lining outside the windows of the church cheering you on, some crying, some holding signs. Then you looked at Nathan waiting for you at the end of the aisle smiling proudly. He really did love you.

You reached the end of the aisle and took Nathan's hands.

“Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today…”

The Preacher went on through the normal wedding exchanges until he got to “the” line..

“If anyone here has any reason that these two should not be wed, please speak now or forever hold your peace,” The preacher announced as you held your breath.

You anxiously looked around the chapel, looking for any sign of Rafael. Maybe he had snuck in the back, or was hiding behind a lady with a hat. He was going to come, wasn’t he? Maybe you were right, maybe you were right along.

….Nothing. He wasn’t there. He didn’t come…

You felt your heart shatter, you were officially dead inside. And now the husk of you was being married off to this poor man.

“Do you Nathan Lee Price, take YN to be your lovely wedded wife, now and forever, through richer and poorer, sickness and health, before and after you both shall live?

“I do,”

“Y/N, do you take Nathan Lee Price to be your lovely wedded husband, now and forever, through richer and poorer, sickness and health, before and after you both shall live?”

You looked to Nathan, then you looked to your side of the wedding, then you looked to his side, you looked to the fans outside again, you looked to the sky, looked to the ground and then you looked back at Nathan.

"I…"

“NO SHE DOES NOT!!!!”

The chapel doors swung open revealing Rafael dressed in a tuxedo. The entire room gasped in horror, and you tried your best not to run to him right then and there. He ran down the aisle until he reached the altar.

“I’m sorry sir, we’ve already past the--” The preacher started to talk but Rafael put a hand in front of his face.

“I don’t care, padre,” He chortled.

"Cutting it a little close there, counselor," You muttered.

"You're the one who chose to get married during rush hour in New York City, carino," He winked.

“Man, are you serious? Really? You’ve had all this time, and you decide NOW that you want my fiancé?” Nathan asked him in a hushed voice, trying to be discreet.

Rafael however, was NOT trying to be discreet.

“This woman told me last night, if I really loved her, that I would come and stop this wedding,” He was addressing the crowd. “That I would stop her from making the biggest mistake of her life,” He turned to you and Nathan. “Marrying someone she does not love,”

The room gasped again, Nathan’s family looked horrified. Camera phones began filming, fans outside were going NUTS.

“...Is that true, Y/N?” Nathan asked you with the most pitiful look.

“I mean I--” You looked from him to Rafael, who had a huge grin on his face. Well, you DID ask for this.

“I didn’t use those exact words,” You shrugged apologetically. The pastor closed the Bible, the guests were chattering like mad, cameras flashed, the mob outside began to force themselves inside to see the drama.

“I..I can’t believe this, I can’t believe you…” Nathan shook his head in disbelief.

“Nathan I’m really sorry, I just--” You looked at Rafael again; his grin wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. “I had to be sure that he really loved me,”

“So he had to PROVE his love to you, when I have shown it to you EVERY SINGLE DAY?” Nathan started to yell, forgetting about appearances.

“I mean, no-- it’s a whole thing, you wouldn’t understand--” You started to laugh unintentionally, thinking of how you and Rafael had your own twisted sick sense of humor.

“You’re goddamn right I don’t understand!” He continued to yell.

“...She’s a flair for the dramatic Nate, what can I say?” Rafael smirked as he stepped up on the stair you were standing on and wrapped an arm around you. You really hated that you were enjoying this at Nate’s expense but-- Rafael was right. You wanted him to publicly admit it, and he delivered. And you were ecstatic.

“Yeah well, I hope you’re both happy in dramatic HELL,” Nathan spewed before stomping off out of the chapel with his groomsmen quickly tailing him. His side of the wedding began exiting the chapel furiously grumbling and yelling profanities at you.

You glanced at your side of the room, the entire NYPD. They all surprisingly looked very pleased, although some people like Kragen were skeptical about this suave ADA coming in here and sweeping you off your feet. They shook their heads and a few applauded, especially your current family.

“Oh we’re not done folks,” Rafael announced as he grabbed the preacher before he could leave.

“Wha...what now?” You were confused but growing more excited by the second.

“You wanted me to be sure that this is what I wanted,” Rafael took both of your hands. “And I want you to KNOW that this,” He gestured between the two of you. “This is all I will ever want, for the rest of my life. And I want to prove it to you,” He smiled at you and pulled something from his jacket pocket.

“Oh, Rafa you really don’t--” You started to say that stopping this wedding was proof enough for you, but he was already down on his knees.

“Y/N….Will you marry me?” He asked. “....Right now?” He added, gesturing to the preacher. Now it was your side’s turn to gasp loudly again, as you stared at the huge diamond ring Rafael was holding out to you.

Where did he get that? WHEN did he get that? Had he been planning on proposing to you before? A zillion questions ran through your brain but you did your best to quiet them all so you could focus on the ONE question that mattered right now.

“....DUH!” You finally slapped him over the head playfully and grabbed the ring from him. He laughed and slipped it on your finger before pulling you into a beautiful, perfect kiss. Everyone on your side laughed and cheered, happy their baby girl was getting her happy ending.

“Well alright then, I guess let’s start this thing over!” The preacher laughed, opening his Bible once again.

“Rafael Barba, do you take Y/N to be your lovely wedded wife, now and forever, through richer and poorer, sickness and health, before and after you both shall live?” He asked Rafael.

“I do,” Rafael beamed at you.

“Do you--” .

“WAIT,” You put up a hand to stop him, making everyone start to mumble curiously again. Rafael’s face fell.

“...Are you serious? You’re changing your mind?” He muttered anxiously.

“No!” You shook your head. “No I…” You looked at the floor. “God this is so stupid…” You laughed to yourself nervously, not really believing you were actually going to admit this.

“....What?” Rafael raised an eyebrow.

“I um…” You bit your lip. “Oh God…” You turned to the preacher. “Sorry!” He brushed it off.

“Baby what are you--” Rafael was seriously starting to worry.

“Please, please don’t freak out,” You begged him. His eyes remained confused, but soft and understanding.

“Okay…” He gave you a look.

“I um,” You took a deep breath. “I may or may not have learned this...just in case,”

You took another deep breath, and recited the words you had practiced in front of your mirror for MONTHS after you had first met Rafael.

“Yo, Y/N, te tomo a ti, Rafael Barba, como mi esposo,”

Rafael immediately broke into the biggest smile you may have ever seen on him, tears instantly wet his eyes as you spoke.

“Prometo serte fiel en lo próspero y en lo adverso,” You continued, vowing you were NOT going to break down crying.

“en la salud y en la enfermedad, Amarte y respetarte todos los días de mi vida.,” You finished successfully without shedding a tear, unlike Rafael who was a full on hot mess of tears in front of you.

“Baby I…” He shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe you did that,” He whispered, tears still catching in his throat.

“I told you,” You bit your lip. “I have always been in love with you,”

“And I am so in love with you,” He grinned, pulling your face into his for “the” kiss.

“Well I guess you can kiss the bride!” The preacher laughed sarcastically as everyone broke into cheers.

You glanced up at the cameras as you walked down the aisle with your new husband. God you hoped that hadn’t blown up in your face, but if it did-- you had your Rafa to hold you through the storm.

#rafael barba #rafael barba x reader #rafael barba x you #rafael barba imagine #law and order svu #law and order special victims unit #law and order svu fanfiction #caught in the storm

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missdawnandherdusk · 4 years ago

Text

Night Moves

Draco X Reader (college!AU)

Summary: Healing was a long process, and Draco was there to wait for you.

A/n: Do I know what this is? No, not really. It’s cute and fluffy and a warm up as I get into the habit of writing again now that the semester has been winding down. Let me know if you want more modern college stuff, because I don’t mind it one bit. I love y’all, and as always, I want to know what you think.

I paused, a call coming in from a familiar name. I answered it, pausing my work.

“Are you in bed?” His voice sounded almost excited.

“Uh... no?” I raised an eyebrow that he couldn’t see. “Just working on some stuff for class,”

“So... you haven’t showered or anything?” He pressed.

“No,” I almost laughed, leaning back in my desk chair. “I’m still presentable if that’s your question.”

“It is,” He sounded delighted. “I’ll be outside in twenty minutes.”

“For what?” I pressed on, closing my laptop. “Draco, why am I being kidnapped tonight?”

“Does it matter?” He countered and I could hear the engine of his car thrum. “Twenty minutes.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I chuckled. “I’ll see you then.”

Smiling, I stood from my desk, stretching. Checking the mirror to make sure that I was presentable, I concluded I would be good enough for me. Probably not Draco, but that could be his problem. Humming and straightening up around my room for the night, knowing that I wouldn’t be back until late, I leaned against my desk waiting for his call to let me know he was outside my building.

The call came and I grabbed a sweater and headed downstairs, breaking out into the crisp air of the night. He was there, of course, looking pristine as ever, leaning against his shiny sleek black car. The smile on his face was more valuable than his sports car and immaculate outfit, however. It had been a while since I had seen him smile like that.

“You’re unusually chipper,” I noted.

“My classes were canceled for tomorrow and thought you might like a break from your essays and projects,” He raised an eyebrow, opening the car door for me before rounding the car to get in himself.

“You’d be right,” I smiled, taking his passenger seat.

Stopping at a local sweet shop and picking up more than enough for the two of us, we drove the city streets, alive with night life, laughing at the ridiculousness of the outing. Pulling up to his apartment building, we crashed on his couch, on a sugar and freedom high.

Settling on the next show on our list of things to watch together, we found blankets, tea, and comfort in the soft lighting of the tv. I glimpsed over at Draco as one episode shifted to another, and in the blue light he seemed almost at peace. Like there was no weight on his shoulders anymore.

“You’re staring,” He raised an eyebrow, glancing over at me.

“Well, you’re so gosh darn pretty,” I taunted, rolling my eyes, and looking away. “Am I not allowed to look at you then?” My tone remained in jest.

“I suppose I’ll allow it,” He grinned.

“Thank you so much,” My face fell flat at his antics.

The hour grew later and our sugar high waned until my eyes had a hard time staying open all the way and I was slumped against Draco, who wasn’t faring much better than I was. My hand absentmindedly played with his, tracing random patterns on his warm skin and fidgeting with his rings.

His hand pulled from my, drawing my attention to his face, which was now closer than I had originally thought. I wasn’t afraid though. It was Draco. I trusted him more than most.

In the fog of the sugar crash, the blue light, and the late hour, a softness fell between us. Comfortable and safe. Vulnerable.

My eyes finally slipped closed as he drew nearer. But I paused.

Looking down, I pulled back fractionally. He let out the breath he was holding and backed away as well.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, hopeless. “I...”

“No, I’m sorry,” his voice was soft and gentle.

“God no don’t apologize,” I almost laughed, my hands resting on his chest. “It’s not you. It’s me. I...”

“It’s him,” he answered softly. We had been friends long enough for Draco to know the pain that my past love had caused to me heart and the tears that came of it.

“Yeah,” I let out a defeated sigh. “I’m... I’m really sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize either,” he tilted my chin up so that I would meet his eyes. “What he did... whatever he did... that’s not your fault.”

“But,”

“No,” he stopped me gently.

I sat up, pulling away from him and hugged my knees. “It’s so stupid,”

“It’s not stupid.” He replied softly, tucking my hair behind my ear.

“I’m... I’m just so scared,” I confessed to the soft blankets around us. “And it’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid,” I could hear the smile in his voice as his arm pulled me close to him. “Smartest girl there is. Knows Latin for crying out loud and here she is calling herself stupid,” Tucking me into his arms, I uncurled a bit.

“I am stupid. I was stupid I... I don’t want to screw up like that again,” Tears picked my eyes. “I don’t want to go through that again.”

“Hey,” he called softly, causing my to look up at him. “Just because he screwed up doesn’t mean you have to for the rest of your life,” a smile drew on my face. “And not that I don’t value your affection but, it’s just a kiss sweetheart. It’s not heartbreak and tears. It’s not forever. It’s just tonight.”

I nodded and wiped away my tears, resting my head on his shoulder, finding comfort in his words. He rubbed my arm softly, holding me in the quiet of the night. Quietly he pressed his lips to the crown of my head and inhaled deeply.

“Thank you, Draco,” I whispered, silent tears falling. “I know it’s not fair to you,”

“I wouldn’t say that,” He refuted. “I know you need time. I’m here to wait,”

A smile played at my lips. “You... you don’t mind? I... I know it’s a lot.”

“Even if were nothing more than friends, it’s enough for me Y/n,” He smiled down at me. “If I get to watch you rise from the ashes and become a new healed person, that’s more than I could ever ask for,”

“You really are something else Draco, you know that?” I looked up at him, laying my head on his shoulder. A deep breath. “And if you’re willing to wait, I’d love to wait with you,” A deeper thought. “Just let me make it through a year... let me try a year without him...”

“But not alone,” Draco assured, tightening his grip on me. “Let’s get you home though,”

“Is it that awkward?” I dismayed.

“No,” He laughed, and I could feel it shake through him. “But it is nearly two in the morning and I do believe you have class in the morning?”

“Are you gonna be okay driving?” I asked with genuine concern.

“Give me a little credit Y/n,” He rolled his eyes, taking the both of us to our feet. “We’ll be fine,”

“Okay...” I was still skeptical.

“You’re quiet,” He noted as we drove through the sleeping city.

“Thinking,” I replied, tearing my gaze from the twinkling lights and to him. “I... I didn’t... I haven’t been leading you on have I? Because I never meant to,”

There must have been something in my tone or in the worry on my face that made him laugh.

“No,” He clarified. “Though it would be hard for anyone near you not to fall for you in some way,”

I offered a small smile. It faded as my depressing thoughts came back.

“I’m sorry, was that too much?” He consoled softly, his voice barely audible above the hum of the car.

“I... No, I don’t think so,” I decided. “I don’t know,” I sighed, wrapping my arms around myself. “You... you know... I... I’m okay...”

“You’re okay in the moment, but afterward, when you’re alone is when it starts to hurt again,” Somehow, he always had the words that I could never find. I hummed an acknowledgement. “Just...” Now it seemed that he was at a loss for words. “Don’t stop telling me what hurts, even if it’s something I do,”

Nodding, I gave a smile.

“Thanks, Draco,”

masterlist

more like this:

london boy

love story

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lilacyennefer · 4 years ago

Text

In Unison

Anon said: I’m the one how request the jax teller x reader 4,5,6! It’s from the blog ”babyboy-cody”💗💗

4) it’s you and me against the world babe, 5) so tell me when you’re gonna let me in, 6) I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused

TW: language, a little bit of violence

To say that your relationship with Jax was stormy was an underestimate. If you guys were together, you were constantly fighting then breaking up, but none of you could go more than a week without the other.

You were fighting about many thing, small things, big things, and your arguments almost always ended in a hot, angry sex. You were fighting about that Jax wouldn't tell you anything, even if something was visibly bothering him, he never talked to you about it what made you feel like he was only using you for sex. Then you fought a lot about the other one being jealous, you didn’t like that those adult film stars were constantly around Jax, begging for his attention, especially Ima who’d do anything for Jax. And Jax didn’t like if other men were looking at you, it could’ve been a simple look and he was about to punch the guy who looked into your direction, and this made the whole town of Charming avoid you like you have plague.

You could say that this was happening because both of you were young, but it was more than that. Both of you were hot headed, and didn’t trust each other outside of the bedroom, maybe you and Jax were even too similar and none of you liked that the other is showing a mirror to you.

And cheating, cheating was a deal breaker for you, and Jax knew this, he knew no matter how much you have fought you still went back to him, and he went back to you, but not if he cheated.

And he did.

It was after one of your harsher arguments with Jax about something small and stupid thing, but it quickly got more serious than it should’ve been. So, the next day you went to the clubhouse to make peace with Jax, and in that moment Chibs tried to tell you Jax is not here, when his bike was parked outside, you knew something was wrong. You passed by the older biker and ran towards Jax’s dorm, didn’t care about knocking as you tear the door open just to see Jax and Ima having sex.

You could swear that you felt your heart break into million little pieces, and at the same time, pure rage ran over you as you stepped into the dorm.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” you yell, making both Jax and Ima look at you.

“Y/N! Fuck!” Jax says surprised, and she moves off of the adult film star. “I can explain!”

“Explain? What the fuck do you want to explain? Do you really think I’m this stupid?”

“Yes.” you hear Ima say, and you look towards her “You should get out so we can finish.”

“Oh you stupid bitch.” you say before you rush to the bed where she’s sitting, and you take a fistful of her hair and grab it hard as you drag her out of the bed, naked. You can hear Jax yelling your name and grabbing your arms, but you don’t care.

“If I see you once more around my boyfriend I swear to god I won’t be this nice.” you yell at her as you drag her out of Jax’s dorm, leaving her in the corridor naked, but you throw her clothes and shoes after her.

“You stupid fuck.” you turn towards Jax “Did you really needed to fuck that walking STD? How could you do this to me?”

Jax doesn’t answer you, so you leave him alone and you take your broken heart to heal.

It’s been almost a month since this happened and Jax constantly tried to reach out to you, but you didn’t want to see him or talk to him. You even found him in front of your house sometimes, it was really hard to avoid him like that, so you always told him if he comes closer to you, you’ll scream and call the cops.

You’d never do that, of course, no matter how angry and hurt you were.

Until you couldn’t avoid him, and the feeling of missing him grew stronger and stronger in your chest. You couldn’t explain this, that how much you still need him after how he broke your heart, you think you’re a fucking idiot for this, but also try to convince yourself that you only need closure, a peacfull goodbye.

So next time, when Jax was waiting for you in front of your house, you let him in.

After three days of deciding that you’ll talk to Jax when he reaches out to you again, he was in front of your house when you got home from work.

But this time you didn’t avoid him, you walked straight up to him.

“Let’s talk.” You say, your voice is raspy from the crying you did since weeks.

Jax nods and you walk into your house, Jax following you.

You walk into the kitchen and lean towards the kitchen sink as you turn to face Jax.

You take a deep breath, hold it, then let it out.

“Y/N, I’m sorry.” Jax starts.

“Don’t! Don’t humiliate me with your apology.” You say firmly. “Why did you do it Jax?”

“I honestly don’t know.” He says.

“You know, in the past weeks I kept thinking about our relationship.” You swallow hard “I don’t think this is worth it.”

“Don’t say that.” Jax says as he steps closer to you.

“Jax, you know I’m right. We fought too much, we were toxic to each other.”

“I don’t agree with you. We weren’t toxic. We just didn’t figure out yet how to handle each other.”

“Jax.” You shake your head. “I loved you so much, Jax. I still do. But you hurt me so much when you slept with Ima. You knew that it would break me. You wanted to hurt me on purpose and I think that hurts more than that you slept with someone else.”

“I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused.” Jax says, and you can hear in his voice that he actually means it.

“It doesn’t matter now. It went wrong way before Ima.”

“That’s not true.”

“Jax, you know it is! We never talked, you never discussed anything with me! We fought, we fucked, and got wasted together.” You try so hard to not cry, but you can feel your throat tighten. “Did you ever love me?”

“You know I do.” Jax replies “I would’ve left you a long time ago if I wasn’t madly in love with you.”

You look down to the floor, then to your fingers as you play with them nervously.

“Let’s give ourselves one last chance.” Jax says and steps closer to you “One last chance. We deserve it.”

You shake your head “I don’t think it will work. There’s too much damage done.”

Jax steps closer to you again, cupping your face in his hands, making you look up at him.

“We can make this work, I promise. I’ll change. No more lies, no more jealousy, no more fights.”

“Do you really think we could do that? Change that much?”

“Yes, yes we can. We will. We’re meant to be together. It’s you and me against the world, babe.” With his last words, he pushes his forehead against yours, resting his head against yours.

“So, tell me, when you’re gonna let me in?” You ask in a shaky voice “You have to let me in. Talk to me. We have to talk to each other instead of fighting about every fucking thing.

“We will.” Jax agrees “We will discuss instead of fighting. We will make this work. I promise.”

After your conversation with Jax, you got back together with him, and things were going great. Instead of fighting you tried to talk if something was bothering you or him, and almost always you could talk about it. Jax started telling you things, slowly at first, but with time, he told you everything. You started to completely trust each other, although you needed more time to trust in Jax again after he cheated on you, but with time you trusted him.

The two of you really were meant to be together, you completed each other, no matter how much you annoyed each other sometimes. You still had arguments occasionally, but for the sake of your sanity, you handled it well and made peace hours after your arguments.

At the end, both of you changed and left your toxicity behind to have a better future together.

Tags: @innerpaperexpertcloud @lady-evans @agirllovespasta @oldstuffnewstuff @claudiahxrdy @keithseabrook27 @alexa-rae-dreamz @minnicelli @woahitslucyylu @de-profundis-ad-astra @mylifeliterally @happyhenners @rebel-without-cause-x

#charlie hunnam #jax teller #jax teller x reader

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thedevildomdaily · 4 years ago

Text

Demonic Possessions Ch 6: The Design Diva Strikes Again!

Here's the first of TWO chapters coming to ya on my days off as promised! Thanks for being patient and the well-wishes. I'm recovering pretty well.

Note: Here's the Master List for the full story. I recommend reading my stuff on my actual Blog if you enjoy OM! official music! Thank you so much for the support. Please let me hear from you in the comment section. I wanna talk OM!

Warnings: Swearing, NSFW (I told you I'd get to it soon lol)

Lilly squirmed around in her bed. Her pink and purple curls were sticking out around her pillow that she used to smother her own face. A hand with beautiful galaxy nails, courtesy of Asmodeus, was planted in the middle of it. She moaned and groaned, not wanting to wake up. That was until she felt movement in her bed!

Her hand clutched the pillow and tossed it quickly from her face in a hurry. She immediately looked down at the foot of her bed. There was a large mass beneath her giant, fluffy comforter. There was something in her bed!

Slowly mustering all of her courage, the human eased the comforter up and open. Her eye were squinting, afraid of what she was about to see at her feet. One eye opened, then the other.

“Hello~” there was a very sensual, yet familiar voice. A set of icy blue, glowing orbs stared at Lilly before she registered the female nephilim peering at her from the darkness beneath the covers.

Yes, it was Lena! A nearly naked Lena at that: she wore a lacy black thong that was completely see-through and an oversized tank top. Because she was on all-fours, the giant opening hung low enough to reveal her full chest. She giggled devilishly and licked her lips, staring at Lilly like a predator.

“L-L-Lena!?! What are you doing!?” Lilly gasped. Her beautiful, tanned skin was now bright red as she looked at the nephilim crawling closer, between her legs.

“You, if you’d let me babe…” she smirked and crawled closer, now close enough to anchor her hands on either side of the human’s hips. She tilted her head to the side, letting her long hair fall to the side, gently touching Lilly’s leg. She awaited her answer, knowing very well how tempting she looked in this precarious position.

Lilly gulped, and parted her lips for a moment, staring at Lena in almost a trance. A nod followed, then a motion for Lena to approach her further. The nephilim crept up and over the petite human and kissed her softly.

“Good choice…” Lena purred. Lilly laughed and pulled her into a deeper kiss. Her lips tasted sweet and her skin was like the finest silk in the three realms. The human wanted to explore every inch of her body.

The nephilim wasted no time to straddle her. Lilly gasped as she watched her remove her top, revealing her beautiful large breasts; They nearly made her cry, “You’re so fucking gorgeous Lena…”

Lena giggled, “Look who’s talking...you’re fucking hot. I’ve lived for thousands of years and never seen such perfect caramel skin and those lovely violet eyes. You’re bewitching Lilly.” She pulled the human into a deeper, more sensual kiss. Her hands wandered to the small of her back, slowly lifting her shirt up and off.

Unable to wait any longer, the mortal reversed their positions, pinning Lena on her back. She was dominant by nature, and while she knew she was no match for a powerful being like the nephilim, she wanted to take control. Lena seemed very welcoming to the idea.

Lilly ran her tongue across Lena’s left nipple as she softly groped the other. Hearing the other woman moan was music to her ears. It’s been so long since she’d shared her bed with anyone; a dry spell since the exchange program began.

Just as she began to inch Lena’s thong down, Lilly began to wonder why she was thinking so intently about things other than this drop-dead gorgeous creature beneath her and what was that sound in the distance…

“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS MESS?!!!!”

The human woke to those words. A fucking dream!? NOOOOOOOOO! Pouting, she looked over at her temporary roomy, waking up on her couch; fully clothed and oblivious as to what was going on.

A series of profanities filled the entire House of Lamentation. Lena knew who it was and wanted to jump out of the nearest window and run away.

Mammon gave his one knock warning and popped his head in. “Are ya guys alright? Who was that?” Awe, he came to check on them.

“That was just my darling brother discovering my room you guys are lending me...and the sound of a nephilim experiencing a heart attack I’d imagine…”

*~*~*~

Lena quickly put on a robe and followed a series of ‘motherfuckers’, ‘sons-a-bitches’, and ‘dirty rat bastards’ to the attic. Both Lilly and Mammon accompanied her, despite the many warnings she gave them. “Major Diva warning alert...just saying…”

When they arrived upstairs, the trio found a raving mad Azri, Asmo, and Satan. The demons were standing in the doorway, quietly observing the nephilim as he inspected the room. He was listing every single thing that was wrong with the room.

“Good morning, my darling big brother…” Lena grinned evilly at him. This caused a chain-reaction of giggles.

“There’s not a damn good thing about it!” Azri responded with his hands on his hips, “Why didn’t you tell me sooner that they put you in the filth and squalor like those poor ‘Flowers in the Attic children’?! These are abhorrent living conditions Azralena!”

Lena had to fight hard not to laugh or tell him it was cleaned-up compared to what it was like after Belphegor took his stuff out that first night. He’d scream and faint like a goat if she did. “It’s not that bad bro. If anyone can fix it up, it’s you!”

Azri stopped his pacing and approached his little sister. Everyone held still, afraid of his reaction. He put his hands on her petite shoulders and looked down at Lena with a severe expression, “Lena,” he paused, “I may have to actually pray to celestial realm and every angelic fiber of my body for a fucking miracle to fix this abomination…”

“Is it really so horrible?” A deep voice boomed from behind them. Apparently, Lucifer had joined the fray.

“Oooh, Lucifer’s involved now...this is gonna be good…” Asmo whispered to his brothers and Lilly. There were smiles exchanged, but nobody was brave enough to laugh at this in front of the eldest brother.

“As a matter of fact it is Lucifer,” Azriel responded, “My sister deserves better than this. Are we not guests of Lord Diavolo’s? My sister has told me about ‘how cool Leviathan’s room is with the jellyfish and mega aquarium…” he then looked over at Asmodeus, “and his room is ‘absolutely beautiful’ she says. And it has a giant bathroom that looks like Regina George’s...and you give a dust-filled, cobwebbed attic with loose boards and….ARE THOSE EYES!!!!!?”

Azriel pointed to a whole in the wall on the north side. “This is unacceptable! As the eldest brother you must take responsibility to make sure my sister is staying in comfortable living quarters during her stay!”

Lena just tried to hide her face out of embarrassment. Why was he such a diva? She of course appreciated him looking after her like this, but sometimes he was just too much. This was definitely one of those cases.

“And what do you propose I do about it? My brothers each fixed their rooms on their own. This IS the House of Lamentation, not a human world resort.” Lucifer responded dryly. He did have a point there. One that only irritated the eldest nephilim. Lena felt the need to intervene before things got ugly.

“Hey guys, let’s just take a chill pill for a moment…” she said, holding her hands up as if to surrender to this mess.

‘Chill...pill…?” Lucifer looked at the female nephilim with a weary and perplexed expression.

“Yeah. I mean, it’s a metaphor…” Lena chuckled, “Look, I never meant things to get out of hand and Azri...you shouldn’t barge into someone’s home and go off like this...apologize. Now.”

After looking down at his short, little sister, Azriel sighed, “Sorry. Lena is right. I tend to...overreact when it comes to my siblings. I am in charge of the both of them.”

“I...can understand that.” Lucifer was willing to meet him halfway. From one eldest sibling to another.

“And Luci...fer” Lena almost tried a nickname but was not brave enough to go there yet. “Uhm, please allow my brother to remodel this room. I promise he is a professional in interior design as well as fashion. He will make structural repairs that could save future incidents. It’d give him peace of mind, I’ll be cozy, and you get a new roof out of it...for free.”

Lucifer eyed her, then her brother. They were both strangers, but if he was a professional, the demon believed he could be trusted enough for the task. “Very well. The two of you can do what you see fit in this room..and the roof if necessary. You’re not to do anything with any other room without my immediate permission alone. And, of course, you’re responsible for the remodeling costs. My brothers paid for the own rooms to be remodeled into what they are now. Even Mammon.”

All eyes shot to the Avatar of Greed and he felt it immediately, “HEY! What y’all look’n at! Of course I paid for my room to look as amazing as me, The Great Mammon!”

“He says that like we could actually believe him…” Satan muttered and the others agreed with him.

“Bet it was paid for from stolen belonging or money laundering schemes…” Lilly added.

“Most definitely.” Amso agreed.

“STOP TALK’N AS IF I’M NOT HERE!!!” Mammon yelled.

Lucifer cut his conversation with Lena and Azriel short to deal with his siblings. “MAMMOOON! Quit yelling so loudly. Get downstairs and eat breakfast. Now!”

The group, sans Azriel, did head down to eat breakfast. Those missing at the scene were filled in about the construction that was going to be done to Lena’s room by her brothers. Azriel was the design genius, but it was Zak that was the brawn behind the project. He was just more sensible and refused to show up so early in the morning.

~*~*~*~

The rest of the day went by fairly quickly. In just a couple of days, the nephilim had adjusted nicely into their classes. Belmont Academy had a similar curriculum blended with human education as well. It was “hybrid education for hybrid youth” as Lena explained it. She talked Lilly into checking into it once she returned to the human realm after the exchange program.

At lunchtime, the group joined together and talked about the events that started their morning. Asmo and Mammon dramatically told everyone what happened, getting everyone laughing about it. Well everyone but the two nephilim.

“Why the fuck didn’t you stop him from showing up so early?” Lena asked Zak, pointing her fork at him.

“I told him not to. He lied, saying he wouldn’t, and took off when I hopped in the shower. For being the supposed ‘responsible one’, he’s horrible when it comes to using his design skills or cleanliness…”

Lena sighed and nodded, “The. worst.”

“You do have to hand it to him though,” Asmodeus chimed in, “Azri did stand toe-to-toe with Lucifer without batting a silvery eyelash. That’s crazy! And Lena! You got between them quickly to intervene and stopped them from bickering!”

“Well of course. The root cause is ultimately my fault. So I took responsibility for it. Besides, it was pretty stupid to begin with. Arguing over interior designing an attic. Really?” Lena laughed.

“OOOOH I GOT IT!,” An otherwise quiet Leviathan exclaimed, “Your superpower is the ability to calm even the most powerful foes, like Lucifer, down!?!”

Lena paused for a moment, then burst into laughter, her brother joining in. Even Solomon couldn't help but chuckle at the notion. “THAT’S HILARIOUS!!!” She began to choke and punched her chest to stop it. “That’d be great. And it would have probably stopped many of earth’s wars. But nope. That’s definitely not it Levi-kun!”

Her response embarrassed the third eldest demon brother. That was, until she called him Levi-kun; It brought up a whole different reason to be embarrassed.

~*~*~

The rest of the school day passed in the blink of an eye. The RAD students disbursed, with the Purgatory students wishing everyone good luck with the remodelling go on. It was code for ‘good luck not getting into another fight over it’.

On the way home, they decided to grab Hell’s Kitchen burgers to go. Of course Beel wanted to eat a dozen there first, so they divided between those playing arcade games, those ordering the food, and Belphie watching Beel eat and hopefully not go on a rampage.

“Yes! I got it!” Lena screamed. She was at the claw machine with Lilly and Leviathan.

“That’s amazing!” Lilly cheered.

Leviathan gave his signature scream of excitement and proceeded to tell the girls what character it was, and their backstory, and everything in between.

“So what I’m hearing is…this is a valuable part of a set...and that you’re collecting that set aren’t ya?” Lena asked.

“Yeah. I’m missing her and two others.” Levi admitted.

Lena grinned and handed it over to the demon. “Then you’ll get more value out of having this than I will. So you’d better take it then.”

“R-Really?” Levi asked, shocked that she would just give the figurine to him.

“Yes, really!” Lena chuckled, “I just wanted the thrill of winning. You can have the figure. I don’t know what I’m gonna have room for when Azri’s done and that clothing haul is moved in from Lilly’s room.”

“ARIGATO!!!!” Levi cheerfully thanked the nephilim and held up the figurine into the air to admire it.

Lilly lingered back, watching the two nerd-out, sighing inwardly. It was clear that Lena was getting a little attached to Leviathan. He wasn’t catching on, and it made it more adorable...and sickeningly sweet to her. Oh well, she’d have to rely on her dreams still, until she could find a hot demoness that was interested in her and not devouring her soul.

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calypsoff · 4 years ago

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Sixty Four. Part 3

Watching Robyn walk off to the bedroom, dragging my eyes to her butt as she did. She look good as hell right now but she is driving me crazy, I read the blogs and yes I have fucked up but in no way shape or form I cheated on Robyn, I would never do that to her but I guess the general public have made it look so bad, I fucked up. I shouldn’t have laughed and smiled with these girls because clearly they have got me in trouble, Robyn is always so quick to bring up that she made me who I am which is wack on her end but she isn’t wrong but also I don’t want to hear it and now she is going to make me suffer. Maybe I did get married too quick, maybe I did because now, I just don’t know I feel like maybe I jumped. Yes she is the love of my life but it’s just too much, I can’t move in any way now. It’s just so dramatic, leaning down to pick up the envelope from the floor, she threw that at me. I mean this could be divorce papers right now, what the hell do I know. My dad thinks everything is easy, like having girls like that in front of you is easy to resist, it really isn’t but I did it because I wouldn’t do that to her. I just looked and that was it, I am a little scared to open this actually because if this is divorce papers I will be heartbroken as fuck, I don’t want that and I would choose Robyn over anyone, I just feel it’s a little dramatic with everything. Leaning over at the table, opening the envelope sighing out. Pulling out the polaroid squinting my eyes reading the text at the back “a girl” I breathed out, turning the polaroid over. My face softened and it hit me “what?” I said to myself, turning the polaroid back over again and again. This is untrue, like this is wrong right “what” looking back at the picture, I breathed out laughing with tears forming “what, no way” she got a big head like me, a girl.

Wiping the tears as I got up from the seat, she really found out without me. Taking the polaroid with me, making my way to the bedroom. She has probably locked the door, but I cannot believe she went without me, I am going to try and be calm about this but how fucking dare she go without me, I am going to blow any minute about this. Jiggling the door handle “open the door” I said, knocking on the door as I did, I stepped back from the door “bye Chris!” she spat “you are so fucking childish, you went there without me!? You saw our baby without me, you fucking real right now Robyn. How dare you!” I shouted “be quiet! I am trying to sleep, what do you fucking care. She is just another Bajan to you and your coons” I clenched my jaw “fuck you” punching the door “that is my daughter too! I hurt you! Not my baby, remember that!” I spat, rubbing the top of my head feeling like shit “not my daughter Robyn, I didn’t hurt her!” I hit the door again as I walked off, I fucked up bad. I fucking hate this shit, she fucking did me wrong, how fucking dare she.

Robyn hasn’t come out of the bedroom, but it is midnight so more then likely she is asleep, but I am angry, I am angry that she did me like that. Over the fact I went to Drake’, I made the fucking mistake, but I didn’t deserve to not be there. Tapping on the comments on India’ account, looking at the picture of her and I, I am just curious on what is being said. I cringed; they are really going in with the comments ‘Look at this bird behaviour’ scrolling down ‘A married man? Sis this is not it’ tapping on the replies ‘the married man entertained it?? Ri is the clown’ frowning at it, this is crazy. This is so out of hand; I wasn’t doing what people assume I was doing. Robyn’ fans are fucking crazy, they are cussing her out, I can only imagine my comments. Tapping on my page, seeing the last post was of Drake and I, tapping on the comments ‘Two cheating dirtbags’ I rolled my eyes ‘How you cheat on @badgaririr? This is beyond me!!!’ I breathed out, this is really bad, and I didn’t even mean this to be this bad. What if Robyn is going to leave me, what if that is actually happening and that is it, Robyn is going to make sure I don’t see our daughter. I can’t believe she took that away from me, she really took that moment from me.

I have been waiting for Jay Brown to call me, I am so hungry right now but I have packed my stuff, I am going home but I needed Jay to call me “morning, sorry for harassing you” he chuckled “it’s fine, I have been doing the same with you, have you caught up with the wanderer” I sighed out “I have, I am travelling back to California today, he will be with me. We will be walking through the airport, have my bodyguards meet me at the airport. We will be landing around four” time to clean this mess “walk of shame huh” Jay Brown laughed “yep, he won’t know what hit him. He really doesn’t see the bigger picture, but he will, I don’t even need to walk LAX but I am. Just for him, we haven’t spoke on that part actually, but I know he will be flying back with me so set that up for me, paparazzi and whatever. Time to do the walk of shame with him, I am not ashamed because I have done nothing wrong so I will be walking with my head high, him on the other hand. He will be doing what he does best now. But I need to eat, so thank you” my daughter is not happy, I feel her moving a lot I need to eat “you go and eat, I will speak to your publicist, operation clean up his mess, so you staying with him” good question “erm, he is here” that is my only answer “doghouse then, ok no problem. Speak soon” he put the phone down, Chris has never been through this so he can have nice time with this, I have had this before and I am not even going to hold his hand through it, I am not even mentioning it because they are going to hound him, it’s literally a walk of shame and he will feel it when they say the things they say to him.

Opening the bedroom door pulling my suitcase along with me, I am eating and going to be honest. Chris is right there, like just stood there in my face. I wonder how long he has been there for “I have not ate, do not even look my way” pulling my suitcase as I made my way to the dining table “the keeper came and cooked” placing my case in the corner “I know that” I don’t need him breathing down my neck, not after his shit “Miss Fenty, do you want me to warm your breakfast?” shaking my head “no thank you, this is fine. I am leaving early, thank you for your hospitality, it was nice” he bowed his head, pulling the chair out to sit down. I knew I would cry myself to sleep and I did, he has really hurt me. Everything he did and said was so hurtful and he didn’t care, he wanted me to break, he was trying so much but I got it, I did it. watching him sit down across from me, not like I asked for that, my phone started ringing and it’s my publicist “hello” I answered “morning, got your message so four is fine?” I knew they would be on it “yeah, I will deal with the rest after on what I want being said, speak soon” disconnecting the call “is she healthy?” Chris asked “who? India? She is fine, you should know that” grabbing a plate “I am being calm here, you deadass wrong” looking over at him “don’t speak to me, I am trying to have some peace” he is going to continue to talk shit.

He has been watching me eat intently, he has been silently just watching and is waiting for me to finish “I want your phone” wiping my hands “for?” he questioned “I don’t trust you, so give me your phone” I held my hand out, he is just staring at me like I slapped him “mhmm, you and these girls having a nice text about me? You think I am stupid; I know these hoes. So you are messaging girls yeah?” raising an eyebrow smiling lightly “I don’t have anything to hide, India messaged me asking if I was in trouble and I said I don’t know yet, she was still saying that she wanted me. But I just shrugged it off, I ain’t in that” he is responding, and it makes it worse “what do you want Chris? Let’s be honest, you are pushing me further and further away, you are messaging other women, I don’t care who the fuck she is. Do you not think this is bad, I mean I am not understanding your mindset” I am confused “it is bad, this is why I am telling you. Other then that I have nothing to hide” I want to slap him “now if you block India it just makes me look insecure and that I made you do it because you are messaging her, oh my god. I can’t even, you are a nasty person” getting up from the chair, I just had a feeling he was messaging her “Robyn please, you got me back. Please, I am sorry” waving him off “don’t follow me, we are going home. Don’t even touch me either” I spat.

He really messaging this chick, you know what he publicly shamed me and made people think I am the dumb bitch, he making it seem like I am the weak bitch, these bitches thinking I am the joke. I really want to kick him off this jet, let him fucking go economy but I need him to be there with me at the same time. He really playing in my face “am I a joke to you?” I asked, now he is being all innocent. I know him, I know his face and his persona. Like he is the lost puppy “no, I don’t think that of you. I wasn’t doing anything malicious I promise you, she asked a question and then said that to me, I am telling you because I have nothing to hide with you” I laughed “I look like a joke, I really do. Don’t respond I don’t want to hear it; I don’t forgive you Chris. Let’s start there, when I get home I will clean the shit you didn’t do but I don’t want you in the bed with me” I don’t want him near me “I will clean it” now he wants too “stay out of my way, what do you want? Be truthful Chris, maybe Barry is right. You have changed” he frowned at me “for having fun!? Fuck Barry” I pointed at him “lower your tone, it’s you that is in the wrong in this” who does he think he is, I swear I just didn’t expect him to say that on top of everything.

Rich and Frank are both here, Rich just stared between Chris and I because he doesn’t know what to do, pulling my midi dress down, I wore the tightest and shortest dress “you look happy” I am not sure if Rich is being sarcastic “thank you” looking behind me and Frank has got my suitcase “so we doing it the long way” I sniggered “could say” Chris can follow along like he does “I have Ben too, just it will be a little busy so we just leaving him behind?” nodding my head “they can see him behind me and attack him about it, what else do they want. He thinks they are not hating him, he needs to realise that he has upset me and the people that love me, set his ass up with the walk of shame” Rich chuckled “you look well” I needed that “a scorned woman, this is the outfit. Thank you anyways” the airport security held the door open; this is going to be long winded for us all but this needs to happen because he made it public that we have issues, he invited the public into our marriage now it has to be dealt with publicly, hope he has fun while he is at it because he made the fucking mistake in the first place.

It’s a bit long going through security, but it was quick for me, they can lock his ass up if they want. You never know with that court case he maybe; he probably needs it. Chris is not happy, they searched him the longest and questioned him, well he wants to be funny “let’s go, keep close bro” Rich said to the airport security ahead of us, turning the corner and I just felt regret because there is a lot of paparazzi. I wanted to see behind me but well, I am thinking of me “Rihanna! Rihanna! How are you?” I just laughed as both Rich and Frank kept close to me “are you and Chris in talks, Chris!” half of the paparazzi ran to him “what made you cheat on Rihanna?” overhearing them say “love you riri” oh I have fans here too, waving at them as I continued to walk. Looking behind me smiling just to peep but of course there is security there for him, I expected that because of who he is to me “how can you cheat on Rihanna loser!! This man is a loser!” someone shouted “man fuck you bro, you bitch ass. Come and say that to my face” to say the least I didn’t expect my fans to be here “I am! How do you cheat on the queen?” I just laughed putting my head down, that is funny because he is being harassed “move out, move out” seeing the SUV finally “love you Rihanna” Frank opened the SUV door, I climbed into the SUV and waved before I got inside.

He has a face on, to me I find it funny because I got the love and they hate him “are you going to tell me how my daughter is?” he spoke “my Bajan queen is fine” I mumbled “childish” I would pop him in his mouth, now that would be childish “I don’t know what you don’t get Chris, you fucked up! You know what, you are so fucking close to losing me. I still ain’t decided if I want you, you hear that? If I want you! Until you realise my worth then maybe, I don’t want you to be with me because I am having your baby” he is getting on my nerves when he keeps saying childish “I am sorry Robyn, I said to you I am sorry. I want you! Just you!” he spat “then act like it, don’t fucking think I am just going to want you already, please. Miss me with that, I hope you feel like shit not knowing how your daughter is. You are nothing like your dad, more like a Ronald” I spat “nah, because I wouldn’t do what your dad did to your mother so don’t do me like that. I am sorry and I mean it, I want my wife, I want you” not like I care “ok, let’s see if you last being publicly hung to dry” looking over at him “I regret it already” reality hitting him in the face, that is good.

I didn’t expect Mel to be home, I am so shocked “what the hell” hugging her “yes bitch, I cleaned up anyways” Mel looked at Chris “hey Chris” she said but it was forced more then anything “don’t bother” he walked off “he spat his pacifier out” I rolled my eyes “how is my niece?” she touched my bump “how you know? How you know she is having a girl” Chris turned on his heels, he stopped walking to look at us “she knew before you” I answered for Mel, I didn’t want Mel to be here because I knew he would go on some war path towards Mel “you were there weren’t you? Of course you were, this is your little revenge for Barry, because I knew about that shit. Oh yeah, I see it now. I see this shit clearly, you came running to Robyn when I fucked up and made shit worse, you probably gave Robyn the idea to run too Mexico and made her find out, you’re sick you. You’re obsessed with Robyn, you ain’t happy for her like that. You want to be the person she has to rely on, I see you Mel. You ain’t got nothing else going besides being in Robyn’ shadow, I came here, and I am doing better then you. You’re hateful” my mouth fell open “are you fucking real right now!? You fucked up and now you’re attacking me? You’re foul as fuck like your friend, you right I was there and you was where? Oh yeah, looking like a clown” walking around Mel “walk away now Chris, I am being deadass. Go!” I spat; this is why I wanted Mel not here.

Following behind Chris to the living room, closing the door behind me “how dare you attack my friend, don’t do that!” I said, Chris sniggered turning to me “because I am right, she came here. You said she did right? So her ass is involved, she has been after my ass since that Barry shit happened, your stupid ass was in her room with her and ditched me. I should have known” pressing my lips into a hard thin line “so you taking up for her then me huh?” he is switching this shit up “this is about you fucking up, do not bring her up. Do not make it about Barry, this is you and me. Calm the fuck down, watch your fucking mouth too. She didn’t do or say anything to you, she was there for me when I was crying because of you!” I shouted “I am just angry that I missed it, you both took that excitement from me. She knew before me, how you think I feel?” he is acting like I care “don’t bring Mel into this, I am asking nicely. This is between you and me, I ain’t forgiven you yet and you do this. You just don’t want me, it shows” he put his head down “I do, I seen the hate. They hate me out there, I am sorry” his sorry does actually mean nothing to me “then show me you’re sorry” I said before walking off, Mel cannot be here during this time.

I asked Mel to go, he’s using her to divert the mess of the situation and I don’t need that right now so I told her to go and she did. It was nice of her to clean up but she can’t be here, not with this situation and how nasty his mouth was with Mel too. I am in the bedroom just laying atop of my bed reading TMZ, seeing the pictures of Chris and I, I am smiling so much and Chris looks like he’s been slapped. He does look very sad, he looks very harassed by it all. They was harassing him about cheating that he didn’t do but he needs to understand it looked like that, his behaviour looked like that “Rihanna and her husband in crisis talks” I read out the headline to myself of course, scrolling down but least they call him a cheating rat here. Least he looks sad, I needed that to be honest. Looking over at the door as there is a knock, it’s Chris because he’s the only person here “what?” I said out loud “can I come in?” I would say no but I can’t “ok” I mumbled but he heard it “I don’t like being called a cheater when I didn’t do that, this is all wrong” he came to say this “but you’re messaging women, you might as well be. I want to see actions Chris, you invited the public now fix it publicly too” I know his ass don’t know what to fix “but I’m not a cheater, I didn’t cheat on you” looking over at him “and I believe you didn’t but it doesn’t excuse the fact on how you handled it, what don’t you get?” He’s stood like a lost child “I miss you” rolling my eyes “please close the door behind you” I don’t want to hear it.

#chrianna fanfiction #fanfiction #chriannaff #fanfic #chrianna ff #chrianna

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idreamofplaid · 5 years ago

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Blinded

Summary: Pain takes the reader to a dark and empty place, but love can bring her back and make her even closer to Jared.

Characters: Jared x Reader; Jensen mentioned

Word Count: 2327

Warnings:TRIGGER Miscarriage; oral sex (male and female receiving)

A/N: This is a repost from my former blog with some revisions. It was important to me when I wrote it and still is so I wanted to make it part of my new blog. Loss is terrible and personal. I hope that maybe reading this could help someone in some small way.

The quiet of the woods surrounded you wrapping you in a serenity you hadn’t felt for a long time. You pulled your knees up against your chest and listened to the chirping of the birds and the soft whisper of the wind. It had been two months since it happened, two months since you’d blocked yourself off from the world, from Jared.

He still held you through the darkness of the nights, whispering words of love and spreading gentle kisses over your face, neck, and hands. The comfort he provided was more than you felt like you deserved. You’d lost his baby. It wasn’t enough to say the look on his face was heartbreaking when you told him. A cloud had settled over the beautiful mosaic of his golden, green, and gray eyes. He’d wanted this baby so much. You thought you’d done everything right, taken prenatal vitamins, given up caffeine, made sure to get plenty of rest, but it wasn’t enough.

Jared was in Vancouver filming when it happened. You had kept it to yourself for three days until he came home for the weekend unable to tell him on the phone. As soon as he saw you, he’d dropped his bags and rushed to pull you in his arms. You still remembered vividly the way you had started to shake uncontrollably as soon as you felt the safety of his arms around you and the way you’d crumpled to the floor. Jared followed you down not letting go and silently waited until you could talk.

You had cried until there wasn’t a single tear left in you. When you finally found your voice to tell him, the look in his eyes broke your heart all over again. You blamed yourself for taking the light from them.

Pain and what it does makes no sense. You shut him out when you needed him most, when he needed you. Jared, who had brought a spark of joy to your life you’d never felt before, was on the other side of the wall you’d put up around the storm in your heart. The storm eventually gave way to a numb emptiness, and still Jared was locked outside with all the love he kept for you.

Being pregnant was a joy filled secret you had largely kept to yourselves, not because you thought anything would go wrong but because you wanted to hold it close for a little while longer and keep it just between you. As a result, only two other people in the world knew the depth of the pain you and your husband were feeling, Jensen and your mom.

Jared had taken a week off work to be with you saying only that you were sick and he needed to be with you. Jensen had covered for him. You had cried for days stopping only when you were too exhausted to cry anymore, and Jared had cried with you. His pain was not lessened at all by the fact he already had kids. In some ways, it made it worse. He knew the joy of having children, and he wanted you to know it too.

It was worse when the crying stopped. That’s when the depression really set in. In a monotone voice, you told the man who had given you the strength to believe in yourself, “You should just leave me. There are women who can give you more children; I can’t. I know you want that.”

He had wrapped his hands around yours and pleaded with you. “Don’t compare yourself to anyone, Y/N. Ever. Please.” He lifted one of his hands and with the softest touch ran his fingertips down your cheek. “My heart is breaking too. This doesn’t mean we won’t have children.” He tilted your chin so you were looking in his eyes. You saw the tears glistening there. “You are everything to me. I will never leave you unless you make me, and even then I would still love you.”

All Jared’s patience and love couldn’t shut out the hurt that threatened to destroy you. Because the two of you had kept your pregnancy quiet, no one knew anything was wrong. You had stopped going to family gatherings. You couldn’t stand to see your sister smiling with her baby. Your mother had done her best to smooth things over, but the rest of the family really wasn’t having it. They thought you just didn’t have time for them now that you had a rich and famous husband.

Jared had taken to spending his weekends with his kids at the house he still kept for himself in Austin. You could only imagine what his family thought of that. The last thing you needed was for them to think you were a bitch. That would in no way help, but you just couldn’t watch him be a daddy. You couldn’t. His son, God he was the walking image of Jared. That made you think about the little boy you might have had.

While he was in Austin, you stayed in Vancouver. When Jared had returned to resume filming, he insisted you come with him. “I’m not going to leave you alone to put on a brave face for people who don’t understand.” He was famous for his open heart and unbridled enthusiasm that poured sunshine on everyone he came in contact with, but when Jared felt strongly about something there was really no arguing with him; and you didn’t have the energy to try.

So, here you were in Canada doing your best to be okay. One thing you would not do was interfere with Jared’s career. You had upended his life enough. It was a beautiful place, and these days you’d been spending at the lake cabin Jared had rented brought you more peace than you had known since all of this had happened.

You took your time walking back to the cabin letting nature spread her balm over your aching heart. When you walked in, there was no sign of Jared. You made your way through the living room and down the hall to your bedroom. As soon as you opened the door and walked in, you heard him. Jared’s moans were unmistakable. You hadn’t heard them in a while, but you knew how sex made him sound.

As you walked across the room, his moans turned to grunts, needy and desperate. Then Jared said your name. Your hand was shaking a little when you reached for the bathroom doorknob. The sight that met your eyes when you opened the door made your breath catch in your throat. Jared stood there, all long lean muscle, one hand braced on the counter and the other around his cock. His head was bowed as he pulled on his long, thick shaft chasing an orgasm you hadn’t given him in weeks.

Your voice was only a whisper. “Jared.” He turned to look at you, his eyes glazed over with his impending orgasm. You crossed the room and dropped to your knees beside him. His sweats were pooled around his ankles, and his hipbones were prominent under his golden skin, and his cock was leaking pre come. You took his hips in your hands and turned the lower half of his body to face you.

Your hand rubbed over the velvet soft skin on his tip before you took him in your mouth. You sucked him down in one smooth motion. He was already close so it only took a few bobs of your head to have him coming down your throat. Jared’s chest heaved, and he buried his hands in your hair. He licked his lips and hung his head, his hair covering his face. You placed a kiss on his stomach and looked up at him, waiting.

When Jared raised his head, his eyes searched your face for a sign of something that would tell him what this meant. You ran your hand up over his stomach stopping when it rested over his heart. You stood slowly, your eyes focused on his, barely blinking and not looking away. “Jared, I’m sorry.”

He circled his arms around you and drew you close to him until your head lay on his chest next to your hand. You felt him move to step out of his sweats, but he didn’t let go of you. He kissed the top of your head and threaded his fingers through your hair. The intimacy of the moment brought tears to your eyes. As they fell, you tried to explain yourself to the man you loved so much, the man who had given you time, space, and unfailing support. “I should have been here for you. You needed me, and I pushed you away.”

He kissed the top of your head again and cradled your neck in his large hand. “You’ve been hurting, angel.”

It was quiet for a few seconds, the beating of Jared’s heart was strong beneath your ear. Then you lifted your tear streaked face to look at his eyes that were in this moment a beautiful golden green. “I want to be your wife again.”

Jared raised your chin with his finger. “You never stopped being my wife.”

Tears started to stream down your face again. “Yes, I did. You shouldn’t have to take care of yourself. I’m supposed to do that.”

He touched your lips so softly with a single kiss. “You aren’t supposed to do anything. I love you. All I want is to love you.” He held your face in his hands and rested his forehead against yours.

You stood in the silence together, sunlight pouring down on you from the skylight overhead. “Jared, take me to bed. I want to make love with you.” He put his hands on your waist and kissed you again this time letting you feel the passion he still had for you. Jared lifted you in his arms and kissed you while he carried you to the bed.

He lay you down and pulled his t-shirt over his head. This man belonged to you, and he was gorgeous. He was gorgeous, patient, and faithful. Jared was surrounded by women who came on to him all the time. He’d told you the stories, but even when you’d shut him out and closed yourself off behind your walls of pain, he had gotten his only satisfaction from jerking off. His only comfort came from holding you at night with often little to no response from you. If he was someone less than who he was, you could have lost your husband. When that realization struck, you grabbed onto him as tightly as you could. “I love you, Jared.”

He had always been a wonderful lover, but this time he was perfect. Jared took your clothes off slowly and kissed every inch of your exposed skin like he had never seen your body before. He touched you just the way you liked, remembering every detail of what made you writhe and beg for more. He used his tongue to lick swirls around your nipples, flick your clit, and thrust into your core until you were coming on it.

The way he moved inside you had you clinging to him and begging “Jared, Jared, I need you. Please!” He pulled another orgasm from you rapidly rubbing his fingers over your clit while he plunged inside you as deep as he could go. You took every bit of him and accepted his seed again ready for the possibility of another baby and everything that could mean.

Jared stayed inside you for a long time before he moved to pull out. He whispered to you as he did, “I’m here, angel. I’m still here.” He kept you close to his body, his arm around you. You curled your fingers closed right over the center of his chest. It wasn’t quite a ball, more like you were trying to hold on, to reassure yourself this was real and it would be okay.

After a while, you uncurled your fingers and let your hand relax. “I didn’t want to let you down. I wanted to give you a baby. I know how much being a father means to you, and I wanted to give you that again. Share it with you.”

You angled your head so you could see him. “Jared’s eyes had changed to a stunning blue with barely a hint of gray. It was easy to get lost in them, be comforted by them. “Y/N, you haven’t let me down. And we will have a baby together. Babies, if you want them.”

He had chipped every bit of the protective barrier around your heart away. He held it in his hand again; you were completely open with him. “I miss her, Jared.”

“Her?” He took your hand that was still lying on his chest and brought it to his lips for a kiss.

“Yes. I think we were going to have a little girl.” His lips had not yet left your hand, and you felt him nod. “But we’ll never know for sure.”

“If you think we were going to have a girl, I think you’re right.” You buried your face into Jared’s shoulder. He stroked your hair without saying another word, just let you be with him feeling the warmth of his skin on yours and the strength of his arms around you. After a few minutes he sat up and pulled the blanket that was folded at the end of the bed up over you. You snuggled back in against him. “Y/N, I’m sorry for your pain. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more to help you. Just tell me what you need, and I’ll do it.”

You covered his mouth with yours kissing him thoroughly and deeply. You pulled your lips from his then softly touched your mouth to his once more. “Just be here with me. Exactly the way you are.”

Forevers: @bitterstar88 @coffee-obsessed-writer @timelordy-fangirl2 @stusbunker @girl-next-door-writes @mariekoukie6661 @sandlee44 @cosicas-cuquis @ohnowin-chester @waywardbaby @dean-winchesters-bacon @oldfreakything @tumbler-tidbits @maddiepants @evansrogerskitten @emoryhemsworth @sorenmarie87 @ladywinchester1967 @mrsdeanfuckingwinchester @sea040561 @atc74 @mrs-meghan-winchester @ladycynthia @brinkofinsanity77645 @defenderrosetyler @outcastedangel

@67-chevy-baby @neii3n

Everything Sam: @sammyimpala-67 @crashdevlin @savemecastiel @logical-princey @zombiewerewolfqueen @fandom-princess-forevermore @heycasbutt

@idabbleincrazy @rebelminxy @peridottea91 @mereka18 @deansyahtzee @saltandburn-ilovesamwinchester @onethirstyunicorn @unabashedsoul97

@princessmisery666 @invisibledevour @beenlovingromansincedayoneish @arwenadreamer @fullmooner @waywardwilled @ketchacabra @taylasara

@wendibird @littlemiddlefoxbabe @mtngirlforever @focusonspn @kickingitwithkirk @dreamsfrozenincandyland @keymology @daisymoder72 @mymysosa @spnxbsessed @wingledsam @alleiradayne @volleyballer519 @autumninavonlea @muggle394 @ballistic-bailey @madebypointlesswerewolves @moondrunklove @ellen-reincarnated1967 @supernaturalgrandma @hermionejacobs @samleerandom @ledzeppelinsbonzo

The Pond: @manawhaat @notnaturalanahi @deandoesthingstome @captain-princess-rose @babypieandwhiskey @samsgoddess @waywardjoy @chaos-and-the-calm67 @plaidstiel-wormstache @teamfreewill-imagine @supernatural-jackles @emilyshurley

#jared angst #jared fluff #jared x reader #wife reader #spn rpf #jared one shot #jared smut

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naturaldisasterfanfiction · 4 years ago

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34.

My daughters cry really scared me awake, I swear she be having me jump out of bed, but this cry really had me shook, jogging around the bed “huh” I said looking at the bed, Robyn is not there either “hey, angel eyes. What is wrong” my daughter is crying, with real tears “hey, come here” picking Fenty out of the crib “ok, ok. Its ok, daddy is here” her eyes scrunched up, tears are literally coming out of her eyes “hey, princess. Hey” placing Fenty just against my chest, her cries slowly soothed “it’s ok, you had a bad nightmare baby” shushing her, she slowly calmed down and her cries eased as the skin to skin contact just calmed her down, she needed soothing. My heart right now, she is so sad, lightly wiping her tear that barely dropped but was there “it’s ok, I am here” Fenty just stared at me, her eyes are all Robyn, I love it. When I just stare into her eyes I am just looking at Robyn “your eye colour is always different, I think you will have your momma eyes. Are you ok now?” she needed some reassurance, some cuddles and love “now where is your mother, she done left me in bed” Robyn’ family left, they didn’t stay long which was good that they did actually go but I think Robyn wanted her mom to stay behind, but I think her team will be coming today, well I know Mel is “you have sparkly eyes my daughter, you really do” I grinned, she is just growing and there is always something different with her “let’s go and see if your milk supplier is awake, but first my baby. I need to wrap you in a blanket because it’s a little cold” placing Fenty down on the bed, if I remember how to swaddle, Robyn did show me but I at times don’t pay attention “we can sit in front of the fire once we get down” grabbing the blanket, Fenty whimpered a little. She is not happy at all; she must have had something spook her like that.

I know Robyn has been sad about her family, I am glad they have left but I think she expected more from them. Like I know for a fact my family is trash so I do expect them to be like that but I think Robyn just gives too much, she gives her heart to those people that will do that to her, she’s been ever so sad about her dad and brother but let them trash be gone, who cares. But I am trying to be so nice to her, that’s my wife so whatever I feel for her family I need to not mention it “angel eyes! My beautiful Angel” Fenty is just staring at me in complete silence, she is calm now “I didn’t like that Fenty, really upset me that you was so sad” my heart right now, she is just staring at me with heart eyes, my daughter looks in love, with me “let’s see what your momma is doing, I hope she is not sad like you” walking into the living room, the main one anyways. The TV is on, so she is here. Peaking over the couch, she is asleep in the corner watching real housewives “what is she like” I sighed out, walking around the couch. Robyn is such a mouth breather, the way she has the nerve to sleep with her whole mouth open “can daddy put you in your lounger?” Placing the lounger on the couch “I will be just here” carefully placing Fenty in the lounger, I think she should be ok. Turning to Robyn, the mother breather. She doesn’t snore anymore though, but she certainly doesn’t stop her mouth from being wide open like this, stroking her cheek smiling. I wonder why she came downstairs to sleep, I am confused on why, was it me. She has her arms over her stomach, she is just knocked out.

Sitting down on the couch next to Fenty in the lounger “hey baby, are you ok now? You seem so much at peace, I love you. Yes I do, I love you so much” she loves her lounger so much, whatever upset her she is now content with herself “your mom watches some shit” taking off her show, she be on some shit, she likes to watch these ugly ass shows and likes to see some bitches fight. Placing the remote at the side of me as I sat back and moved closer to the lounger “what shall we speak about, life? Well life is good Fenty, I think you are the most blessed girl in the world, your mother is Rihanna, like I know people hype it up about Beyonce” I said in whisper “but, I think your momma is better. She is just the most loving woman ever, like I think back in our teenage days, she was very feisty, but she is calm now, she just wants to be happy. She looks after me too” I grinned looking over at Fenty, it’s just a weird feeling to be seeing my daughter just stare at me with heart eyes, it’s like she wants to speak to me “I know, we think alike. I wish a lot though Fenty, I wish I didn’t have kids outside of this. I mean I do love my kids, but I feel like Robyn didn’t deserve to be a step mother, I feel bad. I wish it were just you, I wish a lot, but I am going to do right by you, like I haven’t had the chance to be so hands on, like now. I hope you grow up to love me, like at times I can be a big weird guy but deep down I am just confused” nodding my head “like trying to figure out shit” I sighed out “I want to do good by you Fenty, I really do. They say you feel a different love, but I have felt it this time. With you I have” it’s weird but I feel like Fenty understands “thank you for coming to my talk” I chuckled, she is my heart.

Fenty is refusing milk, like I didn’t think a baby would refuse milk and I didn’t think that could happen but it is, she is crying when I try and give it her, she is moving her head away too but I don’t want to force feed her “what is wrong with you today, you are hungry. This is your feeding time Fenty, stop being hard headed. If you continue to be hard headed then you will get a forehead like your mother” Fenty furrowed her eyebrows, she is not impressed with what I said. Trying it again, placing the bottle near Fenty’ lips, she took to the bottle but then did it again “wow, what is this Fenty!?” I am concerned, I don’t like this “you need some comfort, I am going to have to wake your mother” Robyn seems so comfortable asleep and here I am can’t feed her, I failed at this shit, it’s wack that I have” getting up from the couch “Robyn, baby” Fenty whined out and started to cry in my arms “Robyn, hey” I said before Fenty cried out loudly which shook Robyn awake “what is it?” Robyn said in shock, she didn’t expect me all in her face “Fenty won’t drink from me” I mumbled, Robyn got up from the couch slowly “it’s ok” Robyn said, I feel all sad myself now that I failed to do this and had to wake her.

Watching Robyn breastfeeding Fenty instead, I feel sad and horny. This is a weird mix to feel, I get kind of turned on seeing Robyn boobs and it’s getting to me. I am not sure if to go and jerk myself off or continue to watch “I think she just needed some comfort; she is ok. You didn’t do anything wrong” I heard what Robyn said but I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything, I am just staring at her boob, I wish that were me to be honest just sucking on them “Chris!” Robyn poked my arm, looking over at Robyn “mhmm” looking over at Robyn “are you listening to me?” nodding my head smiling a little “then why were you just staring at me, are you staring at my boobs again? These things are your daughters now, sorry” pulling a face at Robyn “whatever you say but I can’t wait to have sex, I am literally feeling it” Robyn eyed me up “I can tell by your dick, but anyways. It was never you, like you said she was a little sad earlier from crying and getting scared so don’t think it was you” nodding my head “you sure I can’t just like stick my tip in?” shaking her head “no, I will help you?” I laughed shuffling off of the bed “I am good, you just rest with Fenty, you both are restless. Stop thinking too about your dad ok” my dick is hard as fuck.

I have been feeling a little shit about things with my family, I expected so much more from my family, I wanted so much more from my family coming and it’s hurt me. I have done nothing but love and be there for them and my brother and dad couldn’t just do it for me, forget about Chris but what about me. I have done nothing but pay for them, love them, helped them emotionally too. I have always done it for them but when it came to me it was all silent, it was all guns blazing for Chris, it was lets tell the world Chris and Rihanna left the house with their newborn, make out like I was making a bad decision to take my daughter out, had me on the blogs like that. That was all down to my dad, he didn’t even apologise, he ran off. My dad used me again, I always cave in and let him do it but that is because I have a good heart, he actually never said sorry. He used his own granddaughter for his own gain, I am annoyed. I will not let that happen again. Not to my daughter, I allowed my family to do that. I can’t believe I let that happen, I let people I thought would love me and love my daughter into our lives. I have been hard on myself; I really have and it’s making me stressed out, I can’t even deal with it.

Chris literally brightens my day, he makes me laugh “I love you” he kissed my cheek as he sat on the bed “I love you too, are you ok?” I asked, he was up early. I hope he hasn’t been jerking off too much “I was thinking once my team arrives. I think you and I need to spend a little time together, not in that way. But I can do other things. I trust them more then my own family, Mel will protect her so then we can just snuggle and have some us time. I feel like at times we don’t spend time, it’s like we do but we don’t like we don’t get spoilt, we are living if you know what I mean. I don’t mind it, but I wan to just spend time with you, I want to know you’re ok mentally and physically. Also I need it, just to sleep through together, to sleep in” Chris smiled at me “I would love that, honestly I would” he is so cute “don’t worry, I will spoil my husband. I see it, you do so much for me too and I appreciate it. It does not go unnoticed” hearing my phone ring “can you get my phone for me, I got Fenty here, then I will have to move her” Chris pecked my lips as he got up from the bed, he is my baby. I swear I want to baby him so much; he is a grown baby. Fenty on the other hand she is just laying on the bed staring at the ceiling “it’s Jen, hey. I will pass it to Robyn” Chris held out my phone to me “my wife is on the phone, don’t jump Chris. She is on the bed” he is here climbing on the bed at his big age “hi my wife” placing my phone against my ear “I miss you so much, god. Anyways, I have something. I sent it to your email, can you check it now please? It’s important, Tina was going to call you, but I said let me do it, it’s urgent and I need you to check it now. I wish I were calling you on better terms but please now” looking at Chris “I am sorry Chris; can you get me my laptop. Please” he just sat down “ugh! Bring back Tina yo” I chuckled.

Chris shuffled closer to me as we waited for the laptop to load up “I will put you on speakerphone, don’t be loud. Where are you? Mel is coming today; I think Jah too. Not sure but my team is coming back, aren’t you?” placing my phone on the bed “I am coming, I am just packing. I want to hug Fenty so much” opening up my emails “wait, it’s early morning over there, this must be very important then” seeing Jen’ email “ok, I can see your email. Is it something that I won’t like? Is it something Tina could do?” I don’t know why but I have a bad feeling about this, my heart is telling me “so I was going to bed but then Tina called me and asked me what to do. Robyn, all we know it’s an exclusive to The Sun magazine, we are on it” clicking on the email, I just have a horrible feeling. Tapping on the picture file, watching it load up until I saw the image “no!” I shouted slamming the laptop shut, staring at the laptop in shock “how the fuck, yo Jen. How!?” Chris said, I am in shock that I feel physically sick seeing my daughter on a newspaper cover “not my daughter, I want them sued, you stop this! Stop it now!” I shouted, not my daughter’ picture.

#Chrianna #Chrianna FF #Chrianna Fanfiction #Fanfic #Fanfiction

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slaminthebackofmy · 4 years ago

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i’m gonna put my playlist on shuffle and write what the songs remind me of while i listen to them, no one asked and no one cares but i’ve had so much caffeine and sugar today that there is no way in fresh hell i am going to bed anytime soon,

this is unnecessarily long, i’m just terrified of losing memories and i need these written down

deadroses - blackbear - september 2019 when i was getting ready for school. i used a rose cleansing water and the smell of it reminds me of this song, it was super warm and i had just come back from vacation in bulgaria with my family. used to watch the sunset with this song pretending i’m the main character. one time we went to a supermarket on the outskirts of town with this blasting in the car

anxiety - blackbear - almost the same as the previous one, october 2019 when i got led lights under my bed and i was just calming down from 4 months of paranoia and sleepless nights

one for the road - arctic monkeys - weird mood in december when all i would listen to was arctic monkeys and the nbhd, spent most nights on the dining room table blasting these just quiet enough to not wake my parents upstairs, my neighbours probably wished murder was legal

miroh - skz - miroh came out about a month after i found skz so i was still new to their music and the day it came out i was kinda sick and staying home from school so i got to enjoy the full thing in peace, i spent the next few days watching finding skz and then i blasted this throughout april which was a weird and rough month oh and also i started that other writing blog

often - the weeknd - i used to blast this in the 8th grade while i played that one paper airplane flash game before i discovered the magic of headphones fkgslkjgn

sweater weather - so many memories attached to this pretty bitch, finding it first through a sam and colby vine, walking home in the 6th grade from the dentist at night, standing on my balcony and watching super strong winds bring in very dark storm clouds almost completely covering the light from the sky above, except for one small window of light, last december

fantasy - dye - i found this i think last summer but it reminds me of my childhood and watching samurai jack for some reason

rumors - neffex - i accidentally clicked on a lyric video for this while i was staring at the moon one evening and the sky in the background picture of the video was exactly the same as the sky i was looking at and it just reminded me of a mid 2000′s teenagers room in my town, like older boys i used to have baby crushes on as a kid would have a room like that, gray walls, wooden desk with a computer and a bed with gray sheets with a window right above it and moonlight shining in, a red electrig guitar mounted on the wall and a skateboard leaned against the wall

arabella - arctic monkeys - i listened to an hour loop of this for a week straight non stop in december, i specifically remember dec 21st and wrote a lot on here

do i wanna know - arctic monkeys - there’s a few with this one, firsty it’s finding this song in the 9th grade when i was going to a youth club and i started listening to it because a girl from france that was there that i had a crush on liked it, secondly, finding bts in 2018 and listening to this while staring at the stars in a black tshirt, flannel and jeans with converse(yes i was that kid) and feeling the very moist air hit the back of my neck after we just got back from someone’s house that was selling clothes from home.

i miss the old u - blackbear - a lot of these are on my balcony because i love the sky lol but this one is too and just standing on my balcony in autumn 2019 after i got back from school just to watch the sky melt into a coral pink and orange

how you like that - blackpink - summer 2020, all i did was learn to play the ukulele and struggle with an issue i don’t wanna mention, the entire summer, with this playing in the background, i got my new laptop so i blasted this on there instead of my phone like most of the others on this list, also worked out to this song a lot

fly away - thefatrat - playing transformice in 2017 for HOURS and talking to dodgy people on there

dirty laundry - blackbear - you guessed it, getting ready for school in 2019, same as most other blackbear songs

god’s menu - skz - this came out the day after i got my laptop and the day that i got my ukulele, i remember watching the online concert while i waited for my mum to come home and bring me the uke, i watched it in my room in the dark and i literally had way more fun that i probably should have but they were so hyped up it was lovely

chateau - blackbear - autumn 2019 on my balcony watching the sunset

wonderland - caravan palace - similar to how you like that, listened to this all of summer 2020 while i was struggling with that issue, i used to pace around the second floor of my apartment with this song on and strut to the beat

feel special - twice - just when school started in 2019, i watched every studio ghibli movie that summer so i associate this song with those, i used to get ready for school with this blasting, and i remember dreaming about sana sitting in the rain a few times

pumped up kicks - going home from bulgaria in 2017 and getting stuck with no gas or cash in a little border town, we got there super late and most money exchanges were already closed so we had to get money from someone’s basement:) also summer 2020 when i learned to play this on the uke and it’s super easy and still my favourite one to play

why’d you only call me when you’re high - march 2018, i was making sugar cookies with leftover frozen dough from the last time i had made them, and while they were in the oven i went out on the balcony just to stare at the stars on the west

wow - danceracha - january, gameshow, that’s all i’m gonna say, i’ve been skipping through the songs once i wrote what i had to say but i’m gonna have to let this absolute bop play through, it’s the gay in me, why is this song so good what the FUCK

faggot - msi - reminds me of my childhood for some reason i think it was played a lot in some places, reminds me specifically of when i would walk home with my mum and see people sitting in an internet cafe we passed everynight that had neon signs inside

chronosaurus - april 2019, lee know saying tick tock tick tock getting closer was stuck in my head, almost got youtube premium just to be able to download that music video, may 2019, went on a school trip and listened to this on the days leading up to it, currently waiting for lee knows tick tock tick tock getting closer to play omfg why does he say it so well sjflkfj

505 - arctic monkeys - autumn - winter 2020, just sat in my dining room playing this and staring off into space

victory song - skz - LISTEN TO THIS 승전가, jisung and chan lifting their shirts lived rent free in my mind for a few months after this came out

cherry - itzy - summer 2020, issues and dancing a lot

get cool - skz - just got into them, feb 2019, used to listen to this when i was trying to learn their names🥺

hayloft - mother mother - oooohh a recent one, late january 2021, fell in love with a tiktok girl and decided to get my life together, played geoguessr with this on loop

love scenario - ikon - may 2018 when i was just really starting to get into kpop, this was one of the first non bts songs that i loved, i used to listen to it while reading wattpad lol

snap out of it - jan 2021, gameshow, reminds me of felix for some reason

hot girl bummer - late summer 2019, crying at night because of anxiety and pretending i was okie dokey during the day

daddy issues - the nbhd - may 7th 2018, super stormy outside, it was my younger cousins birthday, i spent the day in this one oversized shirt with donald duck printed all over it pretending i was talking to my crush at the time and staring at the rain clouds

be with you - cadmium - summer 2020, pacing around my apartment and those issues and finding this song through a video about those issues, i can’t find the channel anymore:(

reckless healy - january 2020, i was doing eyeliner all the time and just vibing, i had my doggie and all i did was scroll through tiktok and listen to music

ghost - confetti - november 2020, pretending i was the main character while singing this through my entire apartment

knee socks - arctic monkeys - same exact thing as arabella

goodnight i’ve been writing for so long and i’m finally tired

#for me #u can see my sparkle dying out as i continued the songs lol

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theintrovertsarchetype · 4 years ago

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Part I : Redirection and Centering

Ola! I’m having an emotional breakdown right now so I decided to create a new blog and write my feelings out. But because I’m a control freak, I want to start from the beginning. Hence, this is the part I of my self-discovery journey.

Last February 2021, I realized that I have been keeping so many hard feelings and negative energy in my mind and heart. So, I decided to take a little break from the social media blackhole and take time to digest everything I have bottled up from the past year.

2020 have not been great at all to everyone. The virus caused the end of lives or the disruption of lives. Add to that the PH government’s way of handling the “unseen monster”. Definitely, it was not a good year. Aside from the chaotic world I live in, my little bubble of world was not also a good place for me.

I have been struggling a lot last year because of my personal life too. Work, my family being affected by the virus, the boredom that sucks the life out of you from the lockdown, homesick, and of course the number one enemy of my peace of mind, my ex-boyfriend.

I just want to say for you to imagine how I felt during that time- I was so stressful, tired, desperate, and unsettled because of work, family, and self-issues. On top of that, the person I expect that will comfort me only gives me reason to overthink, be paranoid, and insecure.

I really hope you know now how he made me feel last year.

Anyway, after months of feeling trapped (mentally and emotionally only caused my sister took very good care of me during lockdown) I was able to get home and be at my place of solace. However, of course, my ex-boyfriend was not yet done giving me headaches, doubts, and pain!

I won’t tell the stories of how he made me feel that way. Just know that there was never a big event that caused me to feel so deep in my sorrows. It was the little things he did that made me feel lonely, misunderstood, insecure, jealous, ashamed, and all of the negative words you can imagine.

I know in my mind I want to break up with him, I did! but I always end up giving him another chance..s. I don’t know why? Maybe it is just the way I love someone. All out. Even if I don’t get to be treated the way I deserve.

Fast forward to January 2021, I knew in my gut there is no way he could be any better or even nicer to me. I found that hidden courage to tell him, stop I dont want you anymore. Maybe in times of desperation you will also get to see the door leading the way out.

Even at the very end of ends, I still gave him two chances to somehow do something for me, for us. Cause I know I should be fought for.. But he didnt. In the end, I concluded, some guys will always be that. Just a guy.

Weeks after break-up I decided to leave the social media and focus on myself. I wrote lot of things; what my heart feels and what my mind thinks. I even bought a self-love book to help me move forward. I worked out. I talked to other people. I re-watched my favorite series. I did everything I can possibly think of!

Weeks after my “social media detox”, I was bored because of this lockdown and all, I cant do much at home. I decided to peek at my social media and felt somehow happy that I am not urged to post anything. Just visiting my feed is enough. I still dont talk to my old friends cause I feel that it could just exhaust me. And telling my story would mean reliving it and at that time I am not ready for it.

A month past by, I think. Somehow my true friends reached out to me already. Little by little, I was able to let my anger out. Actually, I was not sure when my hard feelings turned into solid anger already. It’s just one day, I was so angry and frustrated about what happened between me and my ex.

Maybe I was angry because he did not even exert a single effort just to fought for me. It says a lot about how he values me. Also, because I let him treated me the way I shouldn't be treated for a year! Aaaand, I was mad because one of my friends said something off when I was ranting about my ex-boyfriend and they seem to have that unspeakable attraction to each other.

In summary, I was mad to the world and to myself.

My ex after a month messaged me if he could talk to me and I said not now maybe after some time. Coincidentally, another ECQ happened so we really had to wait. Oh no, he ditched me this one day before ECQ we were supposed to meet. LOL

Anyway, when the lockdown was lifted I messaged him if he would still like to meet. And boy, he said. No, he doesnt see the reason to meet anymore and that he is ok already slowly getting there to be happy.

Bitch... I was dumbfounded. He was the one crying about one last talk, I invested energy and time for that “final talk” then he would ditch me, again? Again, the same realization. Guys will be guys.

It was the time when I realized, after months of redirection, I was not really able to let go of my anger towards him. I spent nights after receiving that texts, awake in my bed, full of anger and frustration about this guy. I cant fall asleep just because I am mad. Can you imagine that?

I found myself, redirecting myself.. again.. because of this stupid guy. Somehow, day by day, I realized... I am beyond tired and drained about this guy. I cannot let myself be stuck in time and baby this anger within me. If I allow myself to hold on to that anger just because I want him to know that I am angry, then I will let myself lose this stupid battle.

So, once again I breathe out this negative energy. I told myself, fine starting tonight I am not angry anymore. It is what it is. I let those things happened, I cant do much about it right now. I should just accept it, let go, and move on. I never expected we would talk about this closure for days. Last night, he said to me I should think what I want and if I want to meet up with him he would gladly do so just to finish in a clean slate.

HUH? Why am I be the one to think about that when he was the one who called quits? WHAT A STUPID MAN HE IS. Then..... I did something stupid. I looked at my friend’s instagram account. Cause one more thing that I am mad about him is that he always consciously do these things that he know would make me jealous. I saw that he liked my “best friend”’s post even if we were broken up already and shit. Then there was it again.. I AM LOST AND INSECURE. AGAIN.. BECAUSE OF HIM.

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