#go read She Who Breaks the World
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#go read She Who Breaks the World#mtg#sometimes an mango is not a mango#nissa revane#chandra nalaar#gruulfriends
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I wish So Bad that I could confidently recommend lob corp and library of ruina to people because they're both genuinely rly good games and I also need ppl I know to understand the insanity that is project moon but like godddd they are a fucking Investment. Both in time and in brainpower. I generally think ppl exaggerate how hard lob corp is but it's certainly not easy and when it does get hard it gets HARD. Also it literally requires at least one day 1 reset (basically a new game+) to fully beat the game and at this point I've done at least 10. And for lor I'm not nearly as far in and I'm just scratching the surface of the real game but it's a beast of its own. Also 100+ hours and also hard as hell. Like this game does not fuck around with its difficulty spikes it will make you use your brain and it will give you a damn headache in the process. It's also one of my favorite card combat games I've ever played with mechanics that just so beautifully complement each other to create a dynamic and interesting battle system that gives it a completely different vibe and feeling than any other deck builder games I've played to the point where it almost feels wrong to me to categorize them together. But also I am not even slightly joking abt the headache thing every time I play this damn game I close it with a horrible headache and have to take a multi day break. I think everyone should experience this with me <3
#rat rambles#for the record I have not played limbus company nor do I plan to but the cast is rly good and I know a lot of ppl vouch for it#let it be known if I ever do get around to reading limbus stuff I will become obsessed with outis shes so me bait#youre telling me shes a middle aged woman a war criminal and a bootlicker? sign me the fuck up#I <3 crusty dusty women who suck ass#also ofc don is also the beloved but thats a given#the real question would be which of the other limbus women would comsume my life#because theyre all contenders for characters that could make me go insane. for better or for worse.#also reason number 500 that everyone I know should play these games is that its sooooo fun to make project moon ocs#ofc I and I imagine most ppl mostly make nugget ocs (aka your employees and combat units in the first two games)#but like its just fun to make ocs in this world in general#the worldbuilding of this game is like 90% built on 'would that be fucked up or what?' and I adore it for that#theyll just be like yeah theres a whole faction that follows these things called prescripts which can range from super simple stuff to#literally impossible stuff and if you aren't able to follow them you will be killed and theres a guy whos job it is to hand them out and he#has to routinely inform people to their face that they have to destroy their lives or die and it eventually breaks him#and you go ok cool Im still not over the teleporting trains that dont actually instantly teleport but instead travel through pocket#dimensions over the course of thousands of years during which the passengers can be injured and mangled and feel pain but not die and it's#not uncommon for whole societies to be formed in them but once they arrive to their destination the state of all the passengers is#perfectly reverted back to their state uppon entering leading to them being none the wiser of anything that had previously happened to them#and they go yeah haha we liked love town too anyways wanna watch this robot have another mental breakdown#and you go fuck yeah and get your ass handed to you
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I'm not an artist but I really really really wanted to do my version of this meme
#i think we're gonna have to kill this guy#anduin wrynn#anthy himemiya#world of warcraft#revolutionary girl utena#rgu#having lots of fun thinking about anthy as some sort of advisor to anduin during the fourth war#hes miki coded to me. a kind and empathetic person determined to Break The Cycle TM thats still a man whos a product of his world#and hes in a desperate situation. despite himself he does project his desires onto anthy (peace. easy solutions. control over fate)#he and anthy never get over that initial barrier. this is not helped by the fact hes (probably.) not a revolutionary sapphic girl#anthy just resents him more and more with each passing day#she pretends to help him while scheming behind his back to make sure there is always a war going on for him to get involved in#she has figured out that such is the nature of azeroth and such is the nature of stormwinds Prince#he figures her out sooner rather than later. but still pretty late#fun stuff!#hope this was a fun read for the like 3 other people on tumblr who like both wow and rgu
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Lineup of all of the characters that appear long enough to need a visual representation of them in the game lol
#I added a few people that you can randomly run into around town (like at the inn or in the forest or etc) and have very short conversations#with just to kind of flesh out the world a little more in a more natural-ish seeming way. Like nobody in the main cast would really#have much reason to talk about the actual city you're in or anything. Since most of them havent lived there that long anyway.#But if there's a ''city inspector'' that you can run into whilst he's writing up notes examining the local inn. then maybe there could be a#few dialogue options with him where you can ask about things like that. since he would know more about the area as an offical Government#Worker or etc. Optional of course. since I have to be so wary of my natural inclination to lore dump lol and am trying extra hard to make i#all stuff thats easily avoided/skipped. But for the people like ME who deliberately choose to exhaust every possible optional dialogue#option and explore every single inch of the world and try to collect as much information as possible - then there are a few extra places to#do that. Though obviously not all of them just give exposition for like 15 paragraphs blandly. Some you don't really learn anything from#and it's kind of just.. random flavor to make the non-shop map locations more ''lived in'' feeling. Like the random#little girl you can talk to in the park doesn't bizarrely start reading out the wikipedia description of some War that happened 10 years ag#or whatever. she's just complains about school a little and asks if you've tried the nearby ice cream cart treats and etc lol#ANYWAY..#some of the art is so so evil but I'm not going to spend 800 years trying to clean it up and update it. whatever the hell mess I sketched#out in 2018 or whatever is just what I'm keeping lol... it is what it is#One of the many trials of the whole 'briefly work a few months on something and then abandon it almost entirely only to pick up work#on it literally like 4 - 5 yrs later and now you must contend with trying to decipher whatever weird shit you did years ago' experience lol#Also given the population breakdowns of the world in general I think there's an unrealistic amount of jhevona in this lineup since#they're a much rarer species to just see out and about anywhere but.. it IS a global trading center type area. and the game#takes place in the north (the country of Asen. near the coast. for the maybe 2 or less people who actually keep up with my worldbuilding#enough to know where that is lol (the same continent as Navyete (where the avirre'thel live)) and there's a decent concentration#of nothern jhevona only a short ways away so... tee hee..I shall pretend it makes sense and not merely me just wanting#to represent more of that species because I think their lore is interesting lol#I MEAN also realistically there would NOT be a human here because humans are extremely isolated species that don't even know the rest#of the world exists really and human territories are extremely protected from the outside world but... of course it's like.. well we need#at least One of them to be there for the Optional Lore. Same with the Ythrili. But at least those are like.. PLAUSIBLE.. not nonsensically#outlandish. If I had a Verrucalt or something in there THEN that would be truly lore-breaking almost lol#ANYWAY.. rambling that only means anything to me because nobody else knows what I'm even referencing but hbjh#also I think my character designs are so funny in the sense that I really do just love to do the same thing over and over again ghbjh#wow... random asymmetry and belts and arm straps and high collars where the neck is completely covered?? you dont say..how novel
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Kingdom of Ash Chapter 20 …
oh my gods chapter 20…
I am dead inside.
And somehow dying more per chapter.
Ow. THE NIGHTMARE DREAM SEQUENCE
"Do you know the story of the queen who walked through worlds?"
Seated on the mossy carpet of an ancient glen, one hand toying with the small white flowers strewn across it, Aelin shook her head.
In the towering oaks that formed a lattice over the clearing, small stars blinked and shimmered, as if they'd been snared by the branches themselves. Beyond them, bathing the forest with light bright enough to see by, a full moon had risen. All around them, faint, lilting singing floated on the warm summer air.
"It is a sad story," her aunt said, one corner of her red-painted mouth curling upward as she leaned back on her seat carved into a granite boulder. Her usual place, while they had these lessons, these long, peaceful chats deep into the balmy summer nights. "And an old one."
Aelin lifted an eyebrow. "Aren't I a little old for faerie stories?" She'd indeed just celebrated her twentieth birthday three days ago, in another clearing not too far from here. Half of Doranelle had come, it had seemed, and yet her mate had found a way to sneak her from the revelry. All the way to a secluded pool in the forest's heart. Her face still warmed to think of that moonlit swim, what Rowan had made her feel, how he'd worshipped her in the sun-warmed water.
Mate. The word was still a surprise. As it had been to arrive here at spring's end and see him beside her aunt's throne and simply know. And in the months since, their courting ... Aelin indeed blushed at the thought of it. What they'd done in that forest pool had been the culmination of those months. And an unleashing. The mating marks on her neck— and on Rowan's-proved it. She would not be returning to Terrasen alone when autumn arrived.
"No one is too old for faerie stories," her aunt said, faint smile growing. "And as you are part faerie yourself, I would think you'd have some interest in them."
Aelin smiled back, bowing her head. "Fair enough, Aunt."
Aunt wasn't entirely accurate, not with generations and millennia separating them, but it was the only thing the queen had suggested Aelin call her.
Maeve settled further into her seat. "Long ago, when the world was new, when there were no human kingdoms, when no wars had marred the earth, a young queen was born."
Aelin folded her legs beneath her, angling her head.
"She did not know she was a queen. Amongst her people, power was not inherited, but simply born. And as she grew, her strength rose with her. She found the land she dwelled in to be too small for that power. Too dark and cold and grim. She had gifts similar to many wielded by her kind, but she had been given more, her power a sharper, more intricate weapon-enough that she was different. Her people saw that power and bowed to it, and she ruled them.
"Word spread of her gifts, and three kings came to seek her hand. To form an alliance between their throne and the one she had built for herself, small as it might have been. For a time, she thought it would be the newness, the challenge that she had always craved. The three kings were brothers, each mighty in his own right, their power vast and terrifying. She picked the eldest among them, not for any particular skill or grace, but for his countless libraries. What she might learn in his lands, what she might do with her power ... It was that knowledge she craved, not the king himself."
A strange story. Aelin's brows rose, but her aunt continued on.
"So they were wed, and she left her small territory to join him in his castle. For a time, she was contented, both by her husband and the knowledge his home offered her. He and his two brothers were conquerors, and spent much of their time away, leashing new lands to their shared throne. She did not mind, not when it gave her freedom to learn as she would. But her husband's libraries contained knowledge even he did not realize was held within. Lore and wisdom from worlds long since turned to dust. She learned that there were indeed other worlds. Not the dark, blasted realm in which they lived, but worlds beyond that, living atop one another and never realizing it. Worlds where the sun was not a watery trickle through the ash-clouds, but a golden stream of warmth. Worlds where green existed. She had never heard of such a color. Green. Nor had she heard of blue-not the shade of sky that was described. She could not so much as picture it."
Aelin frowned. "A pitiful existence."
Maeve nodded grimly. "It was. And the more she read about these other worlds, where long-dead wayfarers had once roamed, the more she wanted to see them. To know the kiss of the sun on her face. To hear the morning songs of sparrows, the crying of gulls over the sea. The sea that, too, was foreign to her. An endless sprawl of water, with its own moods and hidden depths. All they had in her lands were shallow, murky lakes and half-dried streams. So while her husband and his two brothers were off waging yet another war, she began to ponder how she might find a way into one of those worlds. How she might leave."
"Is such a thing even possible?" Something nagged at her, as if it might indeed be true, but perhaps that was one of her own mother's tales, or even Marion's, tugging on her memory.
Maeve nodded. "It was. Using the very language of existence itself, doors might be opened, however briefly, between worlds. It was forbidden, outlawed long before her husband and his brothers were born. Once the last of the ancient wayfarers had died out, the paths between realms were sealed, their methods of world-walking lost with them. Or so all had thought. But deep in her husband's private library, she found the old spells. She began with small experiments. First, she opened a door to the realm of resting, to find one of those wayfarers and ask her how it was properly done." A knowing smile. "The wayfarer refused to tell her. So the queen began to teach herself. Opening and closing doors long since forgotten or sealed. Peering deep into the workings of the cosmos. Her own world became a cage. She grew tired of her husband's warring, his casual cruelty. And when he went away to war once again, the queen gathered her closest handmaidens, opened a door to a new world, and left the one she'd been born into."
"She left?" Aelin blurted. "She she just left her own world? Permanently?"
"It had never been her world, not really. She had been born to rule others."
"Where did she go?"
That smile grew a bit. "To a fair, lovely world. Where there was no war, no darkness. Not like that in which she had been born. She was made a queen there, too. Was able to hide herself within a new body so that none could know what she was beneath, so that even her own husband would not recognize her."
"Did he ever find her again?"
"No, though he looked. Found out all she'd learned, and taught it to himself and his brothers. They tore apart world after world to find her. And when they arrived at the world where she had made her new home, they did not know her. Even as they went to war, she did not reveal herself. She won, and two of the kings, her husband included, were banished back to their own world. The third remained trapped, his power nearly broken. He crawled off into the depths of the earth, and the victorious queen spent her long, long existence preparing for his return, preparing her people for it. For the three kings had gone beyond her methods of world-walking. They had found a way to permanently open a gate between worlds, and had made three keys to do so. To wield those keys was to control all worlds, to have the power of eternity in the palm of your hand. She wished to find them, only so she might possess the strength to banish any enemies, banish her husband's youngest brother back to his realm. To protect her new, lovely world. It was all she ever wanted: to dwell in peace, without the shadow of her past hunting her."
From far away, that ghost of memory pushed. As if she'd forgotten to douse a flame left burning in her room. "And did the queen find the keys?"
Maeve's smile turned sad. "Do you think she did, Aelin?"
Aelin considered. So many of their chats, their lessons in this glen, held deeper puzzles, questions for her to work through, to help her when she one day took her throne, Rowan at her side.
As if she'd summoned him, the pine-and-snow scent of her mate filled the clearing. A rustle of wings, and there he was, perched in hawk form on one of the towering oaks. Her warrior-prince.
She smiled toward him, as she had for weeks now, when he'd come to escort her back to her rooms in the river palace. It was during those walks from forest to mist-shrouded city that she had come to know him, love him. More than she had ever loved anything.
Aelin again faced her aunt. "The queen was clever, and ambitious. I would think she could do anything, even find the keys."
"So you would believe. And yet they eluded her."
"Where did they go?"
Maeve's dark stare unwaveringly held hers.
"Where do you think they went?"
Aelin opened her mouth. "I think —
She blinked. Paused
Maeve's smile returned, soft and kind. As her aunt had been to her from the start. "Where do you think the keys are, Aelin?"
She opened her mouth once more. And again halted.
Like an invisible chain yanked her back. Silenced her.
Chain—a chain. She glanced down at her hands, her wrists. As if expecting them to be there.
She had never felt a shackle's bite in her life. And yet she stared at the empty place on her wrist where she could have sworn there was a scar. Only smooth, sun-kissed skin remained.
"If this world were at risk, if those three terrible kings threatened to destroy it, where would you go to find the keys?" Aelin looked up at her aunt.
Another world. There was another world Like a fragment of a dream, there was another world, and in it, she had a wrist with a scar on it. Had scars all over.
And her mate, perched overhead ... He had a tattoo down his face and neck and arm in that world. A sad story—his tattoo told a sad, awful story. About loss. Loss caused by a dark queen.
"Where are the keys hidden, Aelin?" That placid, loving smile remained on
Maeve's face. And yet ...
And yet.
"No," Aelin breathed
Something slithered in the depths of her aunt's stare. "No what?"
This wasn't her existence, her life. This place, these blissful months learning in Doranelle, finding her mate—Blood and sand and crashing waves.
"No."
Her voice was a thunderclap through the peaceful glen.
Aelin bared her teeth, fingers curling in the moss.
Maeve let out a soft laugh. Rowan flapped from the branches to land on the queen's upraised arm.
He didn't so much as fight it when she wrapped her thin white hands around his neck. And snapped it. Aelin screamed. Screamed, clutching at her chest, at the shredding mating bond—
She screamed again. Screamed at her ruined arm, the unscarred skin, screamed at the lingering echo of the severed mating bond.
"Do you know what pains me most, Aelin?" Maeve's words were soft as a lover's. "It's that you believe I'm the villain in this."
Whenever that had been. If it had even happened at all.
"I have no doubt that your mate or Elena or even Brannon himself filled your head with lies about what I'll do with the keys." Maeve ran a hand over the stone lip of the altar, right through her splattered blood and shards of bone. "I meant what I said. I like this world. I do not wish to destroy it. Only improve it. Imagine a realm where there is no hunger, no pain. Isn't that what you and your cohorts are fighting for? A better world?"
The words were a mockery. A mockery of what she'd promised so many. What she had promised Terrasen, and still owed it.
Aelin tried not to shift against the chains, against her broken arms, against the tight pressure pushing on her skin from the inside. A rising intensity along her bones, in her head. little more, every day.
Maeve heaved a small sigh. "I know what you think of me, Fire-Bringer. What you assume. But there are some truths that cannot be shared. Even for the keys." Yet the growing strain cracking within her, smothering the pain ... perhaps worse. Maeve cupped her cheek over the mask.
"The Queen Who Was Promised. I wish to save you from that sacrifice, offered up by a headstrong girl." A soft laugh. "I'd even let you have Rowan. The two of you here, together. While you and I work to save this world."
The words were lies. She knew it, though she couldn't quite remember where one truth ended and the lie began. If her mate had belonged to another before her. Been given away. Or had that been the nightmare?
Gods, the pressure in her body. Her blood.
You do not yield.
"You can feel it, even now," Maeve went on. "The urge of your body to say yes." Aelin opened her eyes, and confusion must have glittered there, because Maeve smiled. "Do you know what being encased in iron does to a magic-wielder? You wouldn't feel it immediately, but as time goes on ... your magic needs release, Aelin. That pressure is your magic screaming it wants you to come free of these chains and release the strain. Your very blood tells you to heed me."
Truth. Not the submission part, but the deepening pressure she knew would be worse than any pain from burnout. She'd felt it once, when plunging as far into her power as she'd ever gone.
That would be nothing compared to this.
"I am leaving for a few days," Maeve said.
Aelin stilled.
Maeve shook her head in a mockery of disappointment.
Fenrys sat by the wall, concern bright in his eyes as he blinked. Are you all right?
She blinked twice. No.
No, she was not anywhere near to all right.
Maeve had been waiting for this, waiting for this pressure to begin, worse than anything Cairn might do. And with the collar Maeve now went to personally retrieve … She couldn't let herself contemplate it. A more horrific form of slavery, one she might never escape, never be able to fight.
Not a breaking of the Fire-Bringer, but an erasure.
To take all she was, power and knowledge, and rip it from her. To have her trapped inside while she witnessed her own voice yield the location of the Wyrdkeys. Swear the blood oath to Maeve. Wholly submit to her.
Fenrys blinked four times. I am here, I am with you.
She answered in kind. I am here, I am with you.
Her magic surged, seeking a way out, filling the gaps between her breath and bones. She couldn't find room for it, couldn't do anything to soothe it.
You do not yield.
She focused on the words. On her mother's voice. Perhaps the magic would devour her from the inside before Maeve returned.
But she did not know how she'd endure it.
Endure another few days of this, let alone the next hour. To ease the strain, just a fraction ...
She shut down the thoughts that snaked into her mind. Her own or Maeve's, she didn't care.
Fenrys blinked again, the same message over and over. I am here, I am with you.
Aelin closed her eyes, praying for oblivion.
"Get up." A mockery of words she'd once heard.
#Chapter 20#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Aelin Ashryver Galathynius#Maeve#first read#no spoilers please#read along with me as we cry#Fenrys#Rowaelin#Rowan Whitethorn#more notes in the tags KoA spoilers in both tag and post purple for quotes pink for highlights on readings cause the dreamnightmare sequenc#more than Chaol more than Sam more than anything it was Rowan#The Queen who walked between worlds bad move to say the whole evil plan at once... what's the tale for? who? — it never works#The Queen Who Was Promised. I wish to save you from that sacrifice offered up by headstrong girl.#Not real. That had not been real. Rowan was alive he was alive real or not real#she had to try & use what she wants most peace & home & family &Ro the words she mocks the color science Terrasen Green and Kingdom’s of As#No shackle scars even with the wreckage. In this world this place she did not have scars either. — ROWAN SCARS GONE😭#Do you know what pains me most Aelin? Maeve's words were soft as a lover's. It's that you believe I'm the villain in this.#screamed at the lingering echo of the severed mating bond — if Maeve could make Rowan think Lyria was his mate… then just how bad is it#when she makes Aelin think he’s gone? it’s like Feyre in W&R… but worse… oh this is awful#A better world? The words were a mockery. A mockery of what she'd promised so many.#No. again. no. she said it for the first time… Maeve would rather fight a demon than an Aelin that’s how strong she is…& the power bubbling#Whenever that had been. If it had even happened at all. — making her think nothing had happened to the box#I'd even let you have Rowan. The two of you here together. While you and I work to save this world.#If her mate had belonged to another before her. Been given away. Or had that been the nightmare?#As if once she'd acknowledged it it wouldn't be ignored. Or contained.#Not a breaking of the Fire-Bringer but an erasure. To take all she was power and knowledge and rip it from her.#NEVER GO TO A SECONDARY LOCATION#DONT YOU DARE USE FENRYS AGAINST HER ROWAN HURRY IMMA LOSE IT AGHH WTF SKSKSJDOWAPKS
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@fuckmeyer and @effervescent-hoe
I wrote a whole rant and ramble about Twilight and my issues with the Sequel trilogy and it’s failures to its characters and the issues that it shares with the twilight world (the sexism racism and flanderization and intentional mishandling of characters’ to further a specific character and narrative)
Literally rambled for five pages to come to the conclusion that Palpatine is in fact Bella and Rey is Leah but she is also Anakin in the way that Anakin was the chosen one whose journey was in fact noble until Palpatine intervened and interrupted. also spoiler alert (Rey is Palpaltines granddaughter for no reason other than writers shit the bed, in the same way Leah is suddenly Bella’s stepsister)
WAIT WAIT WAIT Leah could also be Padme in The narrative that a woman who has been and should powerful figure in her community and outside of her community and fridges her. Leah should be alpha, her father was a tribal leader, she would have been raised to fill that role as well:
Padme is the leader of her people and Anakin does truly love her. It’s his paranoia and Palpatine’s manipulation that leads to her death.
It’s Bella’s presence and goals that lead to Leah’s proverbial “fridging” and the circumstances surrounding Leah’s life. Hell, Leah could be Anakin
#okay I do have another rant that is controversial that people will hate#but Smeyer doesn’t know what starcrossed lovers mean and that’s why the Romeo and Juliet thing doesn’t work in Twilight#imo she is not someone who truly studied literature but rather read and had surface knowledge of many books#anyway Leah and Edward should have been positioned as the Romeo and Juliet figures in narrative or Jacob tbh#what’s the point of a theme if you’re not going to honor it#also this is why Star Wars has a huge universe and why people continue to tell stories in it because those themes are universal#twilight is very very very limited to Bella’s story and worldview and do expand you have to break the rules of the world Smeyer set up
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I need to avoid things online that annoy me :')
#like videos by booktok girlies who fetishize other cultures#you can like translations of books from other countries and not be weird about it!#like... you should know why saying 'books by (insert an ethnic group here) authors have ~spiritual healing powers~' is weird!!#and then she has the guts to be like 'uwu sowwy if this comes off as exoticizing but I promise I'm not doing that'#like she knows it sounds weird or else she wouldn't have put that 'disclaimer' at the beginning to try and free herself from any backlash 🥴#then I have someone in the comments of a YouTube video who is giving me 'what if the world was made of pudding' ass arguments#because they're upset at the topic of the video which is about non traditional gender expression in classic anime#people are just so stupid I hate the Internet I hate reading people's idiotic words and having them go into my brain#I'm remembering why I stay away from this kind of stuff now#also I thought I was having hallucinations earlier but I'm fine now#maybe I just need a break
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I’ve mentioned before, I’m making a folklore book for my baby nibling and of course we want a multi-regional book of folklore so I am desperately trying and failing to find a Mesopotamian myth where sex isn’t too important a plot point
#I found a work around for Odin hanging himself on the World Tree but idk if I can save Nergal and Ereshkigal#so many descents and returns from the underworld for my yet wee nibling#bc they are going to be a winter solstice baby <3#00#Nergal’s Descent into the underworld and then courtship of the Queen of the dead is so interesting#and it is so fragmented I can read it as sweeter than I probably originally was#god of war getting humiliated and having to go to the underworld to apologize to Ereshkigal#only to get there after doing all these tricks to ensure he can return from the underworld#he gets there and immediately decides I am going to trick my way into a throne by this Queen’s side 😍#who else has ever traveled to the land of the dead and been like I gotta- I gotta figure out a way to stay here forever#ur blorbo could never#but yeah he does all the traditional avoidances of drinking or eating in the underworld m#but the one rule he breaks is that he mustn’t sleep with Ereshkigal#he said o no but she’s hot#the line is «that which men and women do together» so I guess I could change it to kissing#or like the act of talking/falling in love#which is what I did for a Tristan and Isolde type variant#Ianna/Ishtar’s descent into the underworld would have been the traditional winter solstice/turning of the year myth of choice#but it is so… esoteric bc it is fragmented as well#there is some meaning that is not coming through and as it stands I don’t like the… un-nuanced take on Ianna#Goddess of Love and Sex is vain? tired and boring#I feel like I’d need to become an assyriologist and actually study it for a while to do it any justice
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I got mad about how genuinely pretentious and condescending people on here about things that honestly don't even matter that much and so I went oh I know and I went to a mutual in law's blog because I KNOW they have the exact same views as me on them but they articulate them so much better and bam I got like six posts in a row of excellent compassionate measured responses to the very mean-spirited and meaninglessly cruel culture on here surrounding 'anti-intellectualism' and also calling people virgins in a derogatory way. like thanks! gotta jet
#man I wish our interests overlapped more *salutes*#breaking point was someone reposting a meme celebrating thinking of fanon hcs to flesh out an underdeveloped character#and commenting it like 'wow I know this was a YA or anime' like you're just being a dick at this point. who is this hurting#I would have agreed with the og meme! not every character is well developed due to various constraints or the role they have#sometimes you get attached to stories with shallow characters but you love it anyway and you wanna develop them#ppl thinking up new material for them and having a good time is not the Death of Art you all are so nasty to others#like I fail to see the appeal in mocking that and this is coming FROM a hater#but there are so many ppl on here that are so needlessly judgemental and smug and self-righteous about having Correct Media Literacy#and like...I'm not going to say anyone should stop bc im not the website police but you're all so mean#I don't even have a stake in most of this I just don't think it's worth it to be cruel to other ppl over and I don't like ppl acting better#than others bc it's not like being into literature or like. 'highbrow' media is a moral imperative/morally good. it's just what you're into#the world exists outside of literature and plenty of people with trashy tastes have strengths and skills you couldn't even imagine#and even if they don't! having bad taste or being a bit stupid about media isn't a moral failing!#a woman I work with reads the court of thorns books for fun and she is a kinder and better and more skilled and intelligent person#than I will ever be. she has a stressful and very high-impact job and it's how she relaxes. it's fine. it's fine#cor.txt
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villain names
vanya: heartbreak
milo: power
sasja: terror
chuck: the challenger
xander: force
teddy: dionysus
josef: arbiter
#not sure that i love chucks name but. shes not shy about Something Worse Is Coming And Yall Need To Be Ready. Training Time#um vanya is hb bc. of my steps hb is influencing him the most#but also ! he is Nothing. he is reflecting back at los diablos. and being named hb is part of that reflection#also. become the thing that killed you#milo is power bc she has to be stronger than everyone else she was too weak before she needs to be better. the best#sasja is terror bc. he is. thats his thing thats his aspiration thats his goal. finally he gets to terrify the world back#punish it for how it terrified him. break it for breaking him. kill it for killing him#xander is force bc theure going to do whatever is needed to achieve their goals - and they will use all physical#and mental forces available to them. but also ! its bc it feels forced into this position.#this is the last option available to them this is it their backed into the corner. but its going to do whatever it takes to get out#teddy is dionysus bc hes beautiful and hedonistic and genderweird and mad (like. divine madness. the maenads. you know)#oh also bc hes a dramatic bitch (theatre) (loves to monologue and to put on a show and to look good doing it)#also bc dionysus eleutherios - the liberator#look it up on the dionysus wikipedia page its just in the intro paragraph. also read about the thrysus while youre there#josef is arbiter bc he is judgment. he is judge jury executioner. he knows whos on his list and if he doesnt he will find out#they have to pay#anyway. good night !#vanya mikhailov#milo park#sasja jespersen#chuck kelley#xander wyatt#teddy harlan#josef richter#op#fh#sidestep
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#spent all day helping my best friend move into her new flat#and it was really lovely to be able to be there for her and help her unpack and set everything up#bc her bf (one of my other flatmates) is going travelling for a couple of years in march so obvs he's moving out and they're breaking up#which is why SHE had to move out bc she couldn't afford the rent on a double room by herself#and she's only just moved down the hill like literally a five minute walk which is obviously amazing#she's not ages away yk#and she's moved in with our mutual friend which is nice too#but on a selfish note now i'm left behind in a flat with four 20 year old couples#and i'm now the outside friend like i'm the one who has to go home yk rather than being the one in the home#and i'm just dreading being alone so much of the time like cooking dinner alone and coming home from work and being alone etc#and i'm worried as well that in the new flat they'll get really close and i'll be like forgotten about and left behind#and i know this is all catastrophising and mind reading and all those therapy phrases#but it just sucks. it really sucks#i had to walk home in the rain just now up the hill at half 12 at night#and i cried the whole way because it just all sucks so bad#i knoooooow obviously there's worse problems in the world there's people that are dying kim etc etc#but i'm just very sad about it right now. very very sad about it#so it's 1am and i'm going to sleep and i will wake up at 4am for the match and arsenal better fucking pull through for me#goodnight love u all sleep well appreciate the people in ur life x#also i mean two 20 year old couples lol i don't have eight flatmates
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sorry ive posted forty thousand posts about our show in a row. i will do it again
#xanadu posting#what else do i want to talk about#OH#almost the whole cast went and saw the barbie movie yesterday#we ALL wore pink at it was SO COOL#the barbie movie has a WEIRDLY similar plot to ours#stop reading here for barbie movie spoilers#but like. xanadu? set in venice beach/los angeles with neon singing and rollerskates#barbie movie:#xanadu: has a main plotline about an immortal blonde girl who loves pink going to los angeles and meeting a person she ends up leaving her#-fantastical world behind for#giving up her immortality in order to be human and experience life with those she loves#barbie movie.#xanadu: comedy with fourth wall breaking galore and a lot of absurd and out of the blue comedy that references the source material its base#on and makes fun of it for the majority of its runtime#THE BARBIE MOVIE.#alright anyway you can copy my homework just change it a little! /j
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i hate being bitter and resentful and holding onto grudges but my god!!!!!!!!!!!! i see people going to college and becoming these cool confident versions of themselves and im like fuck u dad
#real life people yes but in media too#like this maryanne she was kinda an outsider in school na she didn't really find her people#and i didn't too not after 10th like somewhat in 11th but that's because i made them read the books i like#and kept ranting about feminism and stuff to them until they changed#but after that#like yeah maryanne she's become all cool and awesome and sexy and she breaks hearts like it's nothing#and she's found her friends who love her so much and think she's soo cool that they want to know how cool she was in school too#because college is just like that people from so many corners of the world so open minded!!!!!!!#i just :( i would be so different#i wouldn't feel so awkward whenever i meet people like what to say how to stand what's right to say and what's not#like man when connell said that you're so alright with being yourself and me. i feel like im always#trying on a hundred different versions of myself and just none of them fit right. and i know im cool i used to be cool in school but it#feels like i can't reconcile these two people yeah i FELT that#i remember going to work and tuitions everyday and trying to be someone new trying to be interested in other peoples stuff#trying to not care and be self assured trying to act like im having fun trying to act like im not acting and im comfortable enough#that i don't have to pretend to be happy#but! nothing! worked!
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🚨 SPOILERS🚨
Kingdom of Ash Chapter 50
Rowan's hands tightened on Aelin's shoulders as the words settled into her, hollow and cold.
"Maeve is a Valg queen?" he breathed.
Aelin said nothing. Couldn't find the words. Her power roiled. She didn't feel it.
Nesryn nodded solemnly. "Yes. The kharankui told us the entire history."
And so Nesryn did as well. Of how Maeve had somehow found a way into this world, fleeing or bored with her husband, Orcus. Erawan's elder brother. Of how Erawan, Orcus, and Mantyx had torn apart worlds to find her, Orcus's missing wife, and only halted here because the Fae had risen to challenge them. Fae led by Maeve, whom the Valg kings did not know or recognize, in the form she had taken.
The life she had crafted for herself. The minds of all the Fae who had existed that she had ripped into, convincing them that there had been three queens, not two. Including the minds of Mab and Mora, the two sister-queens who had ruled Doranelle. Including Brannon himself.
"The spiders claimed," Nesryn went on, "that even Brannon didn't know. Even now, in the Afterworld, he doesn't know. That was how deep Maeve's powers went into his mind, into all their minds. She made herself their true queen."
The words, the truth, pelted Aelin, one after another.
Elide's face was white as death. "But she fears the healers." A nod toward Yrene. "She keeps that owl, you said—an enslaved Fae healer-should the Valg ever discover her." For that was the other piece of it. The other thing Nesryn had revealed, Chaol and Yrene adding in their own accounts. The Valg were parasites. And Yrene could cure their human hosts of them. Had done so for Princess Duva. And might be able to do with so many others enslaved with rings or collars. But what had infested Duva ... A Valg princess.
Aelin leaned back into her chair, her head resting against the solid wall of Rowan's body.
His hands shook against her shoulders. Shook as he seemed to realize what, exactly, had ripped into his mind. Where Maeve's power had come from that allowed her to do so. Why she remained deathless and ageless, and had outlasted any other. Why Maeve's power was darkness.
"It is also why she fears fire," Sartaq said, jerking his chin to Aelin. "Why she fears you so."
And why she'd wanted to break her. To be just like that enslaved healer bound in owl form at her side.
"I thought—I managed to cut her once," Aelin said at last. That quiet, ancient darkness pushed in, dragging her down, down, down-" I saw her blood flow black. Then it changed to red." She blew out a breath, pulling out of the darkness, the silence that wanted to devour her whole. Made herself straighten. Peer at Fenrys.
"You said that her blood tasted ordinary to you when you swore the oath." The white wolf shifted back into his Fae body. His bronze skin was ashen, his dark eyes swimming with dread. "It did."
Rowan growled, "It didn't taste any different to me, either."
"A glamour-like the form she maintains," Gavriel mused.
Nesryn nodded. "From what the spiders said, it seems entirely possible that she would be able to convince you that her blood looked and tasted like Fae blood."
Fenrys made a sound like he was going to be sick. Aelin was inclined to do the same.
And from far away—a memory-that-was-not-a-memory stirred. Of summer nights spent in a forest glen, Maeve instructing her. Telling her a story about a queen who walked between worlds.
Who had not been content in the realm in which she'd been born, and had found a way to leave it, using the lost knowledge of ancient wayfarers. World-walkers.
Maeve had told her. Perhaps a skewed, biased tale, but she'd told her. Why? Why do it at all? Some way to win her-or to make her hesitate, should it ever come to this?
"But Maeve hates the Valg kings," Elide said, and even from the silent, drifting place to which Aelin had gone, she could see the razor-sharp mind churning behind Elide's eyes. "She's hidden for this long. Surely she wouldn't ally with them."
"She ran at the chance to get hold of a Valg collar," Fenrys said darkly. "Seemed convinced that she could control the prince inside it."
Not only through Maeve's power, but because she was a demon queen.
Aelin forced herself to take another breath. Another. Her fingers curled, gripping an invisible weapon.
Lorcan had not uttered a word. Had done nothing but stand there, pale and silent. As if he'd stopped being in his body, too.
"We don't know her plans," Nesryn said.
"The kharankui have not seen her for millennia, and only hear whisperings carried by lesser spiders. But they still worship her, and wait for her return."
Chaol met Aelin's stare, his gaze questioning.
Aelin said quietly, "I was Maeve's prisoner for two months."
Utter silence in the tent. Then she explained—all of it. Why she was not in Terrasen, who now fought there, where Dorian and Manon had gone.
Aelin swallowed as she finished, leaning into Rowan's touch. "Maeve wished me to reveal the location of the two Wyrdkeys. Wanted me to hand them over, but I managed to get them away before she took me. To Doranelle. She wanted to break me to her will. To use me to conquer the world, I thought. But it perhaps now seems she wanted to use me as a shield against the Valg, to guard her always." The words tumbled out, heavy and sharp. "I was her captive until nearly a month ago." She nodded toward her court. "When I got free, they found me again."
Silence fell again, her new companions at a loss. She didn't blame them.
Then Hasar hissed, "We'll make the bitch pay for that, too, won't we?"
Aelin met the princess's dark stare. "Yes, we will."
A Valg queen.
That's who had held his Fireheart. What sort of power had tried to break into her mind.
What power had broken into Rowan's mind.
All their minds, if she could glamour her blood to look and taste ordinary.
He felt the tension rising in Aelin, a raging storm that nearly hummed into his hands as he gripped her shoulders.
Yet her flames made no appearance. They hadn't shown so much as an ember these weeks, despite how hard they'd trained. Occasionally, he'd spy Goldryn's ruby gleaming while she held it, as if fire glowed in the heart of the stone. But nothing more. Not even when they'd tangled in their bed on the ship, when his teeth had found that mark on her neck.
Elide surveyed them all, their silence, and said to their new companions, "Perhaps we should determine a plan of action regarding tomorrow's battle." And give them time, later tonight, to sort through this colossal mess.
Chaol nodded. "We brought a trunk of books with us," he said to Aelin. "From the Torre. They're all full of Wyrdmarks." Aelin didn't so much as blink, but Chaol finished, "If we get through this battle, they're yours to peruse. In case there's anything in them that might help." Against Erawan, against Maeve, against his mate's terrible fate. Aelin just vaguely nodded.
So Rowan forced himself to shove away the shock and disgust and fear, and focus upon the plan ahead. Only Gavriel seemed able to do the same, Fenrys staying where he was, and Lorcan just staring and staring at nothing.
Aelin remained in her chair, simmering.
Roiling.
They planned it quickly and efficiently: they would return with Chaol and Yrene to the keep, to help with the fighting tomorrow. The khaganate royals would push from here, Nesryn and Prince Sartaq leading the ruks, and Princess Hasar commanding the foot soldiers and Darghan cavalry. A brilliantly trained, lethal group. Rowan had already marked the Darghan soldiers, with their fine horses and armor, their spears and crested helmets, while they'd strode for this tent, and breathed a sigh of relief at their skill. Perhaps the last sigh of relief he'd have in this war. Certainly if the khagan's forces hadn't yet decided where they would take this army afterward. He supposed it was fair-so many territories were now in Morath's path-but when this battle was over, he'd make damn sure they marched northward. To Terrasen.
But tomorrow-tomorrow they'd hammer Morath's legion against the keep walls, Chaol and Rowan leading the men from inside, picking off enemy soldiers.
Aelin didn't volunteer to do anything. Didn't indicate that she'd heard them.
And when they'd all deemed the plan sound, along with a contingency plan should it go awry, Nesryn only said, "We'll find you ruks to carry you back to the keep," before Aelin stormed into the frigid night, Rowan barely keeping up with her.
No embers trailed her. Mud did not hiss beneath her boots.
There was no fire at all. Not a spark.
As if Maeve had snuffed out that flame.
Made her fear it.
Hate it.
Aelin cut through the neatly organized tents, past horses and their armored riders, past foot soldiers around campfires, past the ruk riders and their mighty birds, who filled him with such awe he had no words for it. All the way to the eastern edge of the camp and the plains that stretched past, the space wide and hollow after the closeness of the army.
She didn't stop until she reached a stream they'd crossed only hours ago. It was nearly frozen over, but a stomp of her boot had the ice cracking. Breaking free to reveal dark water kissed with silvery starlight.
Then she fell to her knees and drank.
Drank and drank, cupping the water to her mouth. It had to be cold enough to burn, but she kept at it until she braced her hands on her knees and said, "I can't do this."
Rowan sank to a knee, the shield he'd kept around her while she stalked here sealing out the cold wind off the open plain.
"I-I can't—" She took a shuddering breath, and covered her face with her wet hands.
Gently, Rowan gripped her wrists and lowered them. "You do not face this alone."
Anguish and terror filled those beautiful eyes, and his chest tightened to the point of pain as she said, "It was a fool's shot against Erawan. But against him and Maeve? She gathered an army to her. Is likely bringing that army to Terrasen right now. And if Erawan summons his two brothers, if the other kings return—"
"He needs the two other keys to do that. He doesn't have them."
Her fingers curled, digging into her palms hard enough that the tang of her blood filled the air. "I should have gone after the keys. Right away. Not come here. Not done this."
"It is Dorian's task now, not yours. He will not fail at it."
"It is my task, and always has been—"
"We made the choice to come here, and we will stick to that decision," he snarled, not bothering to temper his tone. "If Maeve is indeed bringing her army to Terrasen, then it only confirms that we were right to come here. That we must convince the khagan's forces to go northward after this. It is the only chance we stand of succeeding."
Aelin ran her hands through her hair.
Streams of blood stained the gold. "I cannot win against them. Against a Valg king and queen." Her voice turned to a rasp. "They have already won."
"They have not." And though Rowan hated each word, he growled, "And you survived two months against Maeve with no magic to protect you. Two months of a Valg queen trying to break into your head, Aelin. To break you."
Aelin shook. "She did, though." Rowan waited for it. Aelin whispered, "I wanted to die by the end, before she ever threatened me with the collar. And even now, I feel like someone has ripped me from myself. Like I'm at the bottom of the sea, and who I am, who I was, is far up at the surface, and I will never get back there again."
He didn't know what to say, what to do other than to gently pull her fingers from her palms.
"Did you buy the swagger, the arrogance?" she demanded, voice breaking. "Did the others? Because I've been trying to. I've been trying like hell to convince myself that it's real, reminding myself I only need to pretend to be how I was just long enough."
Long enough to forge the Lock and die.
He said softly, "I know, Aelin." He hadn't bought the winks and smirks for a heartbeat.
Aelin let out a sob that cracked something in him. "I can't feel me-myself anymore. It's like she snuffed it out. Ripped me from it. She, and Cairn, and everything they did to me." She gulped down air, and Rowan wrapped her in his arms and pulled her onto his lap. "I am so tired," she wept. "I am so, so tired, Rowan."
"I know." He stroked her hair. "I know." It was all there really was to say.
Rowan held her until her weeping eased and she lay still, nestled against his chest.
"I don't know what to do," she whispered
"You fight," he said simply. "We fight. Until we can't anymore. We fight."
She sat up, but remained on his lap, staring into his face with a rawness that destroyed him.
Rowan laid a hand on her chest, right over that burning heart. "Fireheart."
A challenge and a summons.
She placed her hand atop his, warm despite the frigid night. As if that fire had not yet gone out entirely. But she only gazed up at the stars.
To the Lord of the North, standing watch.
"We fight," she breathed.
Aelin found Fenrys by a quiet fire, gazing into the crackling flames.
She sat on the log beside him, raw and open and trembling, but … the salt of her tears had washed away some of it. Steadied her. Rowan had steadied her, and still did, as he kept watch from the shadows beyond the fire.
Fenrys lifted his head, his eyes as hollow as she knew hers had been.
"Whenever you need to talk about it," she said, her voice still hoarse, "I'm here."
Fenrys nodded, his mouth a tight line. "Thank you."
The camp was readying for their departure, but Aelin scooted closer, and sat beside him in silence for long minutes.
Two healers, marked only by the white bands around their biceps, hurried past, arms full of bandages. Aelin tensed. Focused on her breathing.
Fenrys marked her line of sight. "They were horrified, you know," he said quietly. "Every time she brought them in to … fix you."
The two healers vanished around a tent.
Aelin flexed her fingers, shaking the lightness from them. "It didn't stop them from doing it."
"They didn't have a choice."
She met his dark stare. Fenrys's mouth tightened. "No one would have left you in those states. No one."
Broken and bloody and burned—
She gripped Goldryn's hilt. Helpless.
"They defied her in their own way," Fenrys went on. "Sometimes, she'd order them to bring you back to consciousness. Often, they claimed they couldn't, that you'd fallen too deeply into oblivion. But I knew—I think Maeve did, too— that they put you there. For as long as possible. To buy you time."
She swallowed. "Did she punish them?"
"I don't know. It was never the same healers." Maeve likely had. Had likely ripped their minds apart for their defiance.
Aelin's grip tightened on the sword at her side.
Helpless. She had been helpless. As so many in this city, in Terrasen, in this continent, were helpless. Goldryn's hilt warmed in her hand.
She wouldn't be that way again. For whatever time she had left.
Gavriel padded up beside Rowan, took one look at the queen and Fenrys, and murmured, "Not the news we needed to hear."
Rowan closed his eyes for a heartbeat. "No, it was not."
Gavriel settled a hand on Rowan's shoulder.
"It changes nothing, in some ways."
"How."
"We served her. She was ... not what Aelin is. What a queen should be. We knew that long before we knew the truth. If Maeve wants to use what she is against us, to ally with Morath, then it changes things. But the past is over. Done with, Rowan. Knowing Maeve is Valg or just a wretched person doesn't change what happened."
"Knowing a Valg queen wants to enslave my mate, and nearly did so, changes a great deal."
"But we know what Maeve fears, why she fears it," Gavriel countered, his tawny eyes bright. "Fire, and the healers. If Maeve comes with that army of hers, we are not defenseless." It was true. Rowan could have cursed himself for not thinking of it already. Another question formed, though. "Her army," Rowan said. "It's made up of Fae."
"So was her armada," Gavriel said warily.
Rowan ran a hand through his hair. "Will you be able to live with it-fighting our own people?" Killing them.
"Will you?" Gavriel countered.
Rowan didn't answer.
Gavriel asked after a moment, "Why didn't Aelin offer me the blood oath?"
The male hadn't asked these weeks. And Rowan wasn't sure why Gavriel inquired now, but he gave him the truth. "Because she won't do it until Aedion has taken the oath first. To offer it to you before him ... she wants Aedion to take it first."
"In case he doesn't wish me to be near his kingdom."
"So that Aedion knows she placed his needs before her own."
Gavriel bowed his head. "I would say yes, if she offered."
"I know." Rowan clapped his oldest friend on the back. "She knows, too."
The Lion gazed northward. "Do you think ... we haven't heard any news from Terrasen."
"If it had fallen, if Aedion had fallen, we would know. People here would know."
Gavriel rubbed at his chest. "We've been to war. He's been to war. Fought on battlefields as a child, gods be damned." Rage flickered over Gavriel's face. Not at what Aedion had done, but what he'd been made to do by fate and misfortune. What Gavriel had not been there to prevent. "But I still dread every day that passes and we hear nothing. Dread every messenger we see."
A terror Rowan had never known, different from his fear for his mate, his queen. The fear of a father for his child.
He didn't allow himself to look toward Aelin. To remember his dreams while hunting for her. The family he'd seen. The family they'd make together.
"We must convince the khaganate royals to march northward when this battle is over," Gavriel swore softly.
Rowan nodded. "If we can smash this army tomorrow, and convince the royals that Terrasen is the only course of action, then we could indeed be heading north soon. You might be fighting at Aedion's side by Yulemas."
Gavriel's hands clenched at his sides, tattoos spreading over his knuckles. "If he will allow me that honor."
Rowan would make Aedion allow it. But he only said, "Gather Elide and Lorcan. The ruks are almost ready to depart."
#Chapter 50#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Rowan Whitethorn#Aelin Galathynius#Rowaelin#Fenrys Moonbeam#Maeve#Gavriel#Chaol Westfall#Yrene Towers#Nesryn Faliq#Lorcan Salvaterre#Elide Lochan#no spoilers please this is my first read to go along with me there are chapter spoilers in post and tags with more reacts notes quotes etc#Mantyx(these names)it settled the known hurt2hear-what the world now is this war is so big-each accounts & stories told-what Maeve had done#true tale-she leaned on him like she had from the beginning2stop her from falling from running from failing from drowning in the ice-Fenrys#will say it-isit a Valg glamour?-mountains-memory thats not a memory-real or not real-“world walkers”-why tell her?-Elide&Annieth-whitedemo#hed broken2-what really happened-we will-break my heart-I know-Im tried-we fight-the way he just goes okay then it shall Bthat & done-Storm#held fast-no embers but the Ruby knows-old marks remade-like the hof days-brilliantly lethal-no one could leave u like that-he hated that#t had smothered her no spark just grief-fear-drinking the river feels mythology esc-his shields-never alone again-defending her2her-blood-#staining gold-gently2k her hands-crying-u survived this but but I didnt feeling-he hated the word but said the truth-I will never get back#who I was am-the way this chapter knows grief-just long enough-something cracked in me reading it-I dont feel me-so he held her-challenge#summons-lord of the north standing watch-shell pass it on as their queen-Fenrys again-Gavriel knew-hes giving Carlisle Cullen vibes-Rowan i#her steady equal but yes their horrified even of what it meant occured-they defied4her-bought oblivion so they could-that owl-but healing-#hurt2 even that was a scar-what he saw happen2the girl was worse-never the same-it changes nothing-what a queen should b-not defenseless-sh#will not always fear the fire&healing-why no oath4him?oh its4him… kindness-she needs Aedion2know hes needed before her own-he cant live if#she doesnt-Im dying here-HIS Queen-good ole Yulemas-lidia&Lyria#For him the truth would be the most horrendous.—shock—I fucking love Hasar & her reply joining defend Aelin squad-quiet words-YES WE WILL#At least Theres a backup plan. A storm. Fate is feeling heavier-good thing Elide learned to read it-
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Vent
Tw: sewerslide and SH
#....i really miss being 4yrs without a care in the world and my family loved each other so purely#fuck its not fair that she does this to me#im shaking over how upset this is making me#i cant always be the one at fault thats IMPOSSIBLE and not fair#she sees it as im lazy n dont like being told to do stuff#i see it as she literally picks on me everytime her health anxiety gets to her or her fiance......i watch it happen like fuckin clockworm#but im the bad guy im the lazy emotional youngest sibling whos life was sooooooo perfect cus mom n dad treated me different#I WAS HIGHLY AUTISTIC#im sorry that you wanna feel special so you gotta pretend my life was just so great cus i got extra attention#I NEEDED EXTRA ATTENTION#Dad did his best to make us all feel equal and you know thst#i du no im jjst fucking done with the littlw comments#i read over my dads shoulder so i already knew but my sister brought up what he said to her before sending me here since the waters broke#he said “please dont say anything to her she has enough on her plate”#and she just got all snippy with me about it#....i literally came to your house with 3 big slashes on my arm when do i get a fucking break from the picking????#next time ill do both my arms maybe then shell have nice emptions for me#im literally frozen in my seat sweating cus of how upset im trying not to bw#its very rare she has a soft moment with me and she completely ignores my scars or my mental health#shes now crying in the other room......#like....i dont even know what to do abymore its not fair im always the bad guy#i shouldnt have to deal with a shitty attitude ontop of the other stuff i got going on#its like shes allowed to stab me but i even react to the pain suddenly im a horrible person#its times like these i just wanna end myself cus im tired of trying so hard and having no one to unmask with#im constantly performing for other people only to not get the same energy back im SO tired#update: i escaped#i love my sister but when shes struggling she acts bitchy towards me and thats not fair#literally did the oppisite of what my dad asked her lmao#i bet she stopped crying and is now finding any lil mistake to bitch about#now im blasting sad music into my ears in hopes of not spiraling
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I have to add Archivist Wasp and its sequel Latchkey by Nicole Kornher-Stace. (Both those links lead to Weightless Books, an arm of the incomparable Small Beer Press that sells drm-free versions of numerous small presses' books for ease of reading and to avoid the amazon monster; to tout the awesome of Small Beer and Mythic Delirium, both primarily responsbiel for publishing Kornher-Stace would be a post of its own, but look them up if you're unfamiliar because they've provided some of the most envelope-pushing, queer-heavy scifi of the last decade.) Archivist Wasp is in the "destroyed earth" rather than the space category of scifi and...well, Amal El Mohtar can sell it better than I ever could:
An Archivist has two jobs. The first is to hunt and catch ghosts in order to learn about the precataclysm past from them; the second is to defend her life and position against “upstarts” — the other girls marked by the goddess Catchkeep’s claw-shaped scars at birth — once a year. Wasp has been Archivist for three years, and wants nothing more than to escape a dismal life of killing her sisters and obeying the Catchkeep-priest — so when an unusually powerful ghost asks her to help find his former partner in the underworld, she agrees. But, as is so often the case with the underworld, she finds both more and less than she bargained for. More than anything else, this book is sharp. You could cut yourself on the prose — Wasp’s world is one of thorns, knives, edges of thick, broken glass, a constant background-hum of pain that sometimes swells into a shout. Wasp’s perspective absolutely thrums with tension and violence, but also aches with a fierce, hollow loneliness to break the heart. The longing and gratitude for the smallest beginnings of true friendship make the betrayals more vicious, and the stakes just keep rising. I burned through this book in about three hours, desperately rooting for her. It’s also a brilliantly constructed narrative and world. The gods are cruel and absent. The underworld is a maze in layers, a twisting, turning palimpsest, one that allows Wasp to descend almost archaeologically through time by literally experiencing her ghost-partner’s memories. The pre- and post-apocalyptic worlds reflect each other in shards and fragments, all the more powerful for being subtle, for their resistance to being spelled out. It was also keenly refreshing — especially in something that’s ostensibly YA, where the Love Triangle of Doom is so annoyingly pervasive — to find a book in which all of the strongest, primary relationships are friendships; where friendship has the narrative, motive force usually reserved for sexualized romance. I very much wanted to see the A in QUILTBAG represented in this column, and this is a fine example: while the connection between the ghost and his (female) partner is intense and loving, it is never represented as sexual, and sex is in fact completely irrelevant.
Sci-fi books where a queer woman has the ghost of an annoying dead guy in her head
*Misery is nonbinary (she/they) and who’s in her head is not dead or a guy but I’m counting it, okay
#y'all these books! I first read Archivist on Audible as narrated by the magnificent Abby Craden and fell utterly and entirely in love#with Wasp. hard and jaded. telling herself this just. is what the world is. until one fight too many. when she chooses gentleness damn the#consequences. and Stace doesn't sugarcoat that those consequences are very nearly her death or terrifying domination by a man who now#sees her as weak pray. and yet! even as she has to ally herself with those she's always been told are her natural enemies--ghosts--there#is a part of Wasp reaching for empathy. not easily or naturally. and often she breaks as much as she fixes. but again and again she tries#to be better than who the world has told her she can or should be. and all this growth is interwoven with realistic#disability#and so! so much ghost/human banter. and friendships spanning generations and terrible. terrible loss. they are books I can go years without#rereading and still remember vividly; books I will gush about given the slightest excuse because they and their disabled protag mean so#fucking much to me. gush and gush and still not find the words. and same with Memory Called Empire. fuck this book! I read it with its#premise of memories of the dead which linger. both guide and curse. but mostly guide amid my grief. and the idea that the protag got to kee#and draw from the dead when so many people were telling me to move on. that memory could be a blessing. means so much to me I can to this#day not reach out to the author because I'll just start crying helplessly. that she's also allowed to have a complicated queer romance wher#the fact she is from a colonized nation and her partner is working for the colonizers and yet they love one another desperately is never#either sugarcoated nor made to feel wrong--and that it mirrors the protag's identification with the colonizing nation even as she never#forgets the wrongs it perpetrated on her own. that all that came atop this message of grief and that it is a different! polyamorous#romance driving the story arc means so much I can't talk objectively about the book because critique makes me defend it like my first-born#one of those pieces appearing in your life precisely when you need it most (and I'm sure the others are wonderful but I had to put in my#Teixcalan#and Wasp recs especially)#Arkady Martine#Nicole Kornher-Stace#book babbling#possible future reading#because I can never! have enough of this genre#lit geekery
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