#glory to mankind my ass [remember starts to play]

[abimee]

i dont know anything yet but the person im watching play automata mentioned an offhand theory about not knowing if the bunker(?) is sending supplies to humans anymore or something else and it reminded me that some people mentioned offhand that all humans were dead in automata before i decided to play it so now, while i dont know whats going on, im very excited to find out what that means and who we're sending supplies to. and whos sending those signals from yorha then if not humans

[thisbitchinthecorner]

Roughly 7 minutes after the End of the World that wasn’t part 2

“We’re fucked!”

Aziraphale turns to look back at the group of children clustered together, Pepper, Brian and Wensleydale watch, eyes wide with fear, as the Archangel and Prince of Hell transform into their celestial forms. Adam Young, The Antichrist, stands right behind him and Crowley, the young boy quietly absorbing all that is unfolding around him, but his only concern seems to the be supposed Hell Hound trembling at his feet. Do something Crowley! He thinks to himself. He closes his eyes and as he opens them, he feels an intense light shining down from Heaven, one he has not felt for 6000 years.

“Aziraphale, Guardian of the Eastern Gate, I see you found the sword I gave you.” God’s voice broke upon him like the crescendo of a symphony; leaving him shaking with both joy and despair.

“Oh! Well, yes.” He stumbled over his words. “But that’s not important. You got my message! Thank the Lor...I mean, thank you!”

“Aziraphale, what is it that you want me to do?” God asked plainly.

“What I want you to do? Right! What I want you do is to stop this! The world doesn’t need to end!” He waved his arms erratically. “That boy is The Antichrist, and by some miracle, he refuses to start the apocalypse. But Gabriel is convinced that this war must happen, and now he and Beelzebub will stop at nothing to see that Heaven and Hell have their way. But you can stop this, all of it!” He pleads with desperation coursing through his voice.

“Aziraphale, what if this is the Great Plan, the Ineffable Plan, and all of this is meant to happen?” God asked calmly.

“I cannot believe that you would destroy humanity just to settle a proverbial score.” He argued, his voice shaking. “They do not deserve to die. Humans are inherently good and filled with wonder. They have created so many beautiful things; music, art, language, food and books, so many wonderful stories they have told over the centuries! They are curious and constantly seeking understanding and knowledge, and that has given them grace and their lives meaning. How can you destroy so many miracles made from their own hands?”

“Aziraphale, you, more than anyone, must know how much the human mean to me.” God’s voice offered him some measure of comfort.

“So...you will stop all of this then?” He asked hopefully.

“Yes, Aziraphale. I will stop this and set things right.” God soothed.

He let out a shriek of joy; his hands clasped together and a brilliant smile flashed across his face. “Oh thank you my Lord! You truly are merciful!”

“I will return the world to the way it was yesterday. What has been done will be undone. I will return the angels to Heaven, with the exception one exception, and banish the demons back to Hell.” God declared triumphantly.

He paused for a moment. “All...all the demons will be sent back to Hell?”

“Yes,” God replied. “All of them.”

“But what about Crowley? Surely you do not intend to banish him to Hell.” The very thought made him ill.

“He is a demon, he belongs in Hell, Aziraphale.” God stated coolly.

“Crowley doesn’t belong in Hell! I mean, he is a demon, but he’s not...he’s not like the rest of them.” He protested.

“Aziraphale, are you saying that he belongs in Heaven?” God’s voice raised in tone ever so slightly.

“Oh goodness no!” He nearly laughed at the idea of Crowley strolling into Heaven with his ridiculously tight pants, low cut shirt and flashy watch, asking Michael for a high-five and languishing seductively over a plush chaise he miracles into existence. “No, he belongs on earth, he’s been living among humans for well, for as long as I have.”

“He has,” God began. “And he’s been corrupting them for as long as he’s been on earth. You remember it was Crowley who tempted Eve to eat the apple. It was him who set all of this into motion. So, in reality, everything that is happening now is directly his doing.”

“In his defense, you did put the forbidden tree in the very center of Eden. Seems to me they would have succumbed to temptation even without Crowley’s influence.” He daringly argued.

“Aziraphale, Crowley is a demon, he is Fallen, and despite what you believe, he deserves to be in Hell.” God reasoned.

“But Hell is angry with him over this business over the mixup with The Antichrist. They will not be pleased with the canceling of the apocalypse.” A shudder went down his spine as he considered what Hell would do to Crowley as a result of his betrayal.

“Aziraphale, I fail to see how that is a concern to you.” God remarked. “What Hell chooses to do with one of their own shouldn’t concern you.”

“Except it does, in fact, concern me. Greatly.” He could hardly conceal his growing anger. “They will destroy him for what he has done for humanity. For what he has done for me.”

“And what has he done for you?” God asked.

“Crowley has been there every time I needed help. He’s saved me more times that I can even count.” His memories go back to the little village decimated by the Black Plague where he nearly discooporated due to illness, to The Bastille where he was nearly beheaded, to Nazi occupied London where he was nearly shot, to a dark alley in the late 1980’s where he was nearly beaten to death; every single one of those moments could have been his last, had it not been for the miraculous appearance of a certain demon. “He’s been there for me. He’s always been there for me.” The words kept coming, and he could scarcely stop himself from speaking. “It was Crowley who came to my rescue time and time again. Crowley who convinced me to try to stop the apocalypse. Crowley who was there for me when Heaven turned their backs on me.”

“Aziraphale, it sounds as if you have affection for him.” God questioned, and he could feel God’s judgement upon him. But he would not be diminished, not anymore.

“If it sounds that way, it’s because I do.” He snapped. “I have more affection for a demon than I do for my own kind. When was the last time an angel offered me any kindness? Heaven treats me like a joke; they belittle and mock me.”

“I am not altering my decision on this, Aziraphale. If you want to save the earth, then Crowley must be sent to Hell. With demon influence, this same scenario will continue to occur, time and time again.”

“You’re asking me to sacrifice Crowley, to damn him to utter destruction at the hands of Hell to save the world?” He clenched his fists and nearly drew blood from biting his lip so hard.

“I am. But for that sacrifice, you will have the earth and all its splendors. You will have it’s music, art, language, food and books. You will be free from Heaven’s scorn and free to enjoy yourself. Be thankful that I am giving you this opportunity, thankful that I have not cast you out for your indiscretions. I am giving you this reward for your many years of loyal service to making humanity inherently good. Choose carefully, Aziraphale.”

“Then my answer is no. I won’t sacrifice Crowley. I won’t abandon him! You might not care what happens to him, but I most certainly do.” He is filled with defiance now, filled with an anger that he had never experienced before, but now that he had unleashed it, there was no stopping him.

“Not even to save all of mankind? How can one demon be worth all of this?” God’s voice roared back.

“Look at him right now! Just look! Crowley is going to fight Gabriel and Beelzebub with nothing more than some busted car part, and you have the nerve to say he is the cause of humanity’s downfall? He is their savior and protector! He and I, we are the only ones fighting for the earth. We’re the only ones fighting for what is right!” He gestured to the frozen scene playing out before him: Gabriel about to unfurl his final wings, The Prince of Hell raising his cursed bow and Crowley, still in human form, brandishing a bent piece of metal with as much menace as he could muster.

“Surely you know you cannot win against them. But if you somehow make it out of this alive, Gabriel will see you punished for siding with a demon, and he will not show mercy.” God said with a knowing arrogance.

“I would rather face Heaven’s judgement and die a traitor’s death than betray Crowley!” He spat bitterly.

“Why would you choose to die for this demon?” God roared angrily.

“Because I love him!” He screamed as loudly as he could, and he immediately gasped at the boldness of his own words. He repeated them quietly to himself. “Because I love him.” He looked at Crowley, frozen in time, standing beside him in triumphant glory; poised to defend him and everything he holds dear. He studied the sharp angles of his face, the cascade of fiery red hair that seemed almost ablaze in the evening sunlight, the intensity in his eyes visible even under his dark sunglasses, the trail of freckles that formed over centuries of sunshine that traced along his cheek, spilling onto his neck and down his clavicle. He sighed, drew in a breath and steadied himself before continuing. “I know who I am and I know where I belong. I was afraid before, afraid of what Heaven would think, about what you would think, but I’m not afraid anymore. I love Crowley, and I have loved him for so long that I cannot remember a time when he did not hold my heart. Where he is is where I belong. For you see, I am not only the Guardian of the Eastern Gate, I am the Principality Aziraphale, and along with Demon Anthony J. Crowley, we are the Protectors of humanity, and we will stand together to defend the earth against anyone or anything that threatens our home. Because that is who we are, and earth is where we belong, and we belong together. Me and him. I would rather die fighting by his side, than live in a world without him. For we are together; we are on our own side. I don’t care what Gabriel thinks, he can lick my ass if he doesn’t like it!” He thought for a moment, or was it kiss?

“That is your decision then, Aziraphale?” God asked flatly.

“Yes. That is my decision.” He stood proudly, chest heaving as his hand still firmly gripped the sword. “Furthermore, if you’re going to damn me and cast me out, could you kindly wait until all of this is finished, because I’m in the middle of something important. I cannot simply die without telling Crowley that I love him.”

“Very well.” God’s voice softened. “And Aziraphale, it’s about time, don’t you think?”

“Oh?” He fumbled for words, unsure how to respond. Just as he attempted to process God’s final words, he felt a wave of intense love wash upon him; sending him reeling and filling his eyes with tears. “Thank you, my Lord.” He whispers quietly and as soon as it began, the bright light radiating from the clouds dimmed, and time began again.

He turns his attention away from the terrors before him, and shifted his gaze towards the slender figure beside him.

“Aziraphale,” Crowley began. “There is something I must tell you.”

“I know.” He says, as he lowers his sword while turning towards the demon. “There is something I must tell you too. And I’m afraid it cannot wait.” He swallows hard before continuing. “I’m sorry, my dear, I’m sorry for being a complete fool and for making you wait. I love you. More specifically, I am in love with you, and I have been for a very long time. I was afraid of what Hell would do to you and what Heaven would do to me. But none of that matters anymore. All that matters to me right now is you.”

Crowley smiles as he removes his sunglasses, revealing his golden eyes. “Took you long enough.” Crowley laughs while reaching out his hand toward him. “Angel, you are, and always have been, the love of my life.”

He reaches towards the demon-his demon and gently threads his fingers between Crowley’s, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

“Time to finish this?” He asks with a smile.

“I believe it is, my angel.” Crowley says as he raises his tire iron and points it towards the wrathful creatures in front of them. “Ready to die?”

“I am now.” He nods as he grips Crowley’s hand tighter. “By your side.”

......

[conciteque]

Kiribaku Month - Day 2: Crossover

Behold my second contribution to @kiribakumonth2019!

Since this is already a crossover, I’ve decided to take it as my cue to hopefully make my AU a bit clearer. Not much kiribaku here but it will make sense soon.

If you have questions or anything, feel free to ask! I could talk about this AU forever

Read under the cut. I hope you’ll like it!

Wordcount: 1810 words

Day 2: Crossover

Kacchan’s life was a nightmare.

The fighting for humanity and killing machines aspect was just fine, and he enjoyed working on Earth—especially when the alternative was staying in space in that floating tin can they called the Bunker—but everything else was awful. He hated constantly having to work with a bunch of extras who were trying to be friendly. He hated how he got used to their needless familiarity, and how they stopped fearing him in return. He hated how, after years of being called Kacchan by these idiots who’d somehow decided that formal denominations were lame, his inner circuits had somehow rewired so that he thought of himself as Kacchan instead of Killer unit K20 or, ever since he was reassigned, Battle unit B20. He hated how the nickname had remained, too.

But most importantly, Kacchan hated, hated how the damn Commander had decided to pair him with shitty Deku for this new mission on Earth. Of course, he knew why he had to be with the stupid Defense unit, but he couldn’t stand the guy. Defense units in general were annoying, always getting in the way as if he needed help, but Deku was the absolute worst. He got destroyed so often that Kacchan sometimes wondered if he didn’t do it on purpose, and then, once the battle was over, he’d turn toward his partner with that shitty smile of his and ask “Kacchan… are you ok?” as if he wasn’t the one that was broken everywhere.

The worst thing, though, was that this time, Deku seemed to have undergone a hard reboot. Or at least, his memories had somehow been deleted so far back that he didn’t remember Kacchan at all. In a way, it was a good thing because Kacchan couldn’t stand the shitty Defense unit remembering the rare times when he’d actually saved his ass, but it was also fucking annoying because it meant that they’d have to go through the whole attempted friendship process again.

He’d have to remind Deku that emotions were fucking prohibited over and over again.

He’d have to explain the basic rules of working with him again.

He’d have to teach the shitty Defense unit not to argue with him and to fear his wrath again.

He’d have to deal with Deku’s obvious disappointment again and again until the Defense unit finally learned that their relationship was strictly professional and Kacchan didn’t give a shit about him, or about any other fucking android.

That was another thing Kacchan hated about the guy: his emotions were all over the place. If Deku’s eyes weren’t covered by the standard YuUEi blindfold, Kacchan was pretty sure they would start leaking like he’d heard human eyes did.

So really, despite how relieved he was to be back on Earth for what seemed to be a pretty long time, with a lot of freedom to do as he pleased in between assignments, Kacchan couldn’t truly enjoy it. Knowing he’d have to babysit Deku the whole fucking time was ruining everything.

After a successful landing on Earth where he’d managed to avoid speaking to his forced partner, Kacchan was immediately assaulted by his stupid Operator.

“Good morning Kacchan!” the round faced extra exclaimed with way too much enthusiasm through his battle pod, the shitty device floating in front of his face, just out of reach. “I hope you had a safe trip! Did you know that long ago, it would have been night time on Earth?”

“I don’t give a fuck,” he grumbled. “What’s your point?”

“Grumpy as always, I see. I’m going to send you the location of the Resistance camp. It’s not too far from here. Make sure to make a good impression on them!”

“I don’t care about the opinion of some extras. I just need to secure the resources right?”

“That’s the idea, but you also have to work with them. You’re not just here to take things, you also need to build a proper relationship with them. We need their help, remember?”

“Then you should have sent someone else, for fuck’s sake! What made you dumbasses think I was the right unit to build a fucking relationship with a bunch of shitty outdated androids? I’m a soldier dammit!”

“Orders of the Commander,” the Operator shrugged, not one bit impressed with him. “You can probably leave the talking to Deku, though.”

Oh, so that was why he was paired with the shitty Defense unit. Because that green haired freak was all nice and friendly. Great…

Round Face left him alone soon after, and for the rest of the way, he was stuck with Deku marveling at Earth and dropping shitty fun facts about humans and how the environment adapted after the planet stopped rotating, as if Kacchan didn’t know everything about that already.

The place seemed oddly familiar, but he tried not to dwell on it. Maybe he’d been in the area at some point, who cared?

The good part was that it didn’t take them long to reach the Resistance camp. It was a shitty place that barely deserved its name; just the inner courtyard of a building in ruins, with a bunch of shade sails and a couple of furnished rooms in the parts that weren’t too damaged.

When they stepped into the camp, Kacchan felt like the eyes of every android were on him, and he hated it. In his opinion, eyes were meant to be covered. He wasn’t supposed to notice that they were both surprised and curious to see them. It felt unnatural.

Despite what Round Face had said about leaving the talking part to Deku, Kacchan was the one who spoke first.

“Who the fuck is in charge here?”

“That would be me,” said someone on the other side of the camp.

Kacchan walked toward him and crossed his arms as he reached android who’d spoken, a male unit with bright red hair somehow worn in spikes, big red eyes, and a smile that revealed a row of shark teeth. That guy looked like an idiot, but at least he’d be easy to recognize.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Eijirou, leader of the Resistance,” the shitty haired android said.

“I don’t give a shit. Do you have the stuff?”

There was a flash of… something in the red android’s eyes, before he started fucking chuckling of all things.

“Don’t you think you should introduce yourself first? We’re going to see each other a lot in the foreseeable future,” Shitty Hair said.

“Whatever. I’m B20. This loser here is D9. Do you have the stuff?”

“You can call me Deku,” shitty Deku added.

“Nice to meet you, Deku. And what should we call you?” he asked, looking at Kacchan again.

“B20,” he said.

“We call him Kacchan,” Deku said at the same time.

Kacchan almost punched him.

“Fucking don’t,” he said instead.

“But Kacchan, don’t you think it’s better if—”

“Shut the fuck up, nerd! Who even told you to speak?!” he exploded.

“Ah, I see…” Eijirou said, thoughtful. “You’re the angry kind. We’ll call you Blasty!” he announced with a grin.

“No fucking way, Shitty Hair!” Kacchan snapped.

“My hair is just fine, and my name is Eijirou,” he reminded, calm and obviously amused.

What the fuck was wrong with this guy?

At this point, Kacchan was ready to fight. Shitty Hair or Deku, he didn’t give a shit, he just needed to kill something. That was why Killer units went out of production, he remembered bitterly. They had a tendency to go berserk, and the other androids were too fucking weak to handle it.

He was getting ready to punch someone when, like some sort of joke, he was interrupted by the pods, sending some fucking useless speech he’d heard a thousand times already.

Some cheesy music started playing, and a booming laugh resonated in the camp.

“YuUEi units! This is All Might speaking, on behalf of the Council of Humanity!”

At this point, Kacchan was highly tempted to destroy his pod. However, he knew the shitty little thing was fast as hell and wouldn’t let him do it. Plus, he’d have to listen to Deku’s complaints and he guessed killing the guy wasn’t the best way to ‘make a good impression’ on those Resistance extras. He didn’t see the point of all this, but he was still going to take this mission seriously.

Fucking Deku was absorbing the speech with absolute focus and fascination, and it made Kacchan want to throw up. It was the same bullshit as usual. Bla bla, the war against machines, humanity hiding on the moon and sending them, YuUEi androids, to destroy the machine invaders so that they could reclaim the planet. Bla bla “you are humanity’s last hope and we’re counting on you to do everything while we hide like fucking cowards”. He heard the same shit every day, what was the point?

“Glory to Mankind!” All Might concluded, signaling that the speech was finally over.

“Glory to Mankind,” Deku repeated solemnly, like the fucking nerd he was.

Kacchan rolled his eyes.

Shitty Hair had watched the whole thing with a look of polite confusion, and their conversation resumed immediately after. By the time Kacchan left, he was sure of one thing: he was going to fucking hate this mission.

Shitty Hair didn’t seem impressed by his attitude, he refused to call him anything other than Blasty, and he ended up sending Deku and him on an errand like they were some fucking underlings and not busy YuUEi soldiers. He never flinched when Kacchan yelled, smiled when he complained, and sometimes, he looked fucking… pained or something. It was confusing as hell. That shitty haired bastard was supposed to be scared of him, not fucking sad!

To make things worse, Kacchan couldn’t leave that damn place before interacting with a bunch of extras who were all acting entirely too familiar with him, introducing themselves and then throwing an arm around his shoulders to “give him a tour” as if he wanted to spend more time there than necessary. And worst of all, Deku seemed to love the place. Of course, he’d feel right at home among the Resistance extras and their fucking friendliness.

So yes, Kacchan was going to do this shitty task the red haired android had given them. But only because he had nothing better to do at the moment and the Commander had called personally to remind him that he was supposed to help the Resistance when asked.

As he left for the place Shitty Hair had mentioned, trying to ignore Deku’s babbling about how fucking nice everyone was, Kacchan made a mental note to teach the shitty Defense unit how to fear him as soon as possible, so he could finally enjoy some fucking peace.

Kacchan’s life really was a nightmare.

[supernatural-stuffs]

Coffee Convos

A/N: I wrote this one-shot for @queen-of-deans-booty ‘s Trope Challenge. My prompt was #30-I see you at the coffee shop all the time, looking beautiful and minding your own business and I see you reading/writing/etc and now I can think of an excuse to talk to you. I may write a part two to this, depending on the feedback I get. Thanks for reading!

Warnings: descriptions of Jensen Ackle’s thighs, swearing

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader

Word Count: 3,145

Disclaimer:  Jensen is single for the purposes of this fic. No hate intended towards Danneel or his family-this is purely fiction!!!

Also: Y/L/N’s = the name of the coffee shop

I hurried down the sidewalk, knowing I had only minutes left. My feet pounded on the pavement faster and faster until I was practically running, weaving through various pedestrians and passers-by. It was obvious to anyone that I was running late today. There wasn’t exactly a particular reason for said lateness, except maybe my penchant for hitting the snooze button one too many times. Thank God the building was only a 5 minute walk from my apartment in downtown Austin.

Finally I reached my destination. Peeking through the window of the small coffee shop, I sighed in relief. Not a customer in sight. Despite my belatedness, I had managed to beat the morning rush. I pushed through the glass doors, nearly crashing into a tall stack of boxes as I did so.

“Sorry Sarah! Didn’t see you there.”

A flustered face peeked out from behind the tower of cardboard.

“Oh, hey Y/N. I’ll grab you your usual as soon as I toss these.”

“I’ll grab the boxes,” I offered. “The morning rush will be coming in soon, and you should be at the counter.”

She nodded and handed me her load before hurrying to the counter, throwing on her apron. I saw her get to work on my latte as I left. Though there were other employees that could have made my drink, Sarah was my favorite. I’m not sure exactly how she did it, but somehow it always tasted better when she made my coffee.

Throwing the heap into the dumpster in the back, I returned quickly, the extra promise of caffeine hurrying my movements.

Sarah slid it across the counter to me, bartender style. I took a long drag, savoring the sweet caramel flavor.

“Mmm. God, this is good. Remind me to give you raise or something.”

Sarah quirked her eyebrow. “Is that you or the caffeine talking?”

“Probably the caffeine,” I admitted. “But I can’t be held accountable for anything I say under the influence of this beautiful, beautiful drink.”

I took another big gulp of it, and Sarah just rolled her eyes. She knew better than to contest my coffee addiction.

“You were late today,” she pointed out instead. “Almost got caught in the swarm.” She gestured her head towards the line that was already starting to form.

“Yeah well, I was up late last night.”

“Ooh,” she wiggled her eyebrows. “Out partying?”

I scoffed. “Right. Because I have such a corybantic social life.”

“Well you would if you stopped using words like corybantic.”

I scoffed. “Don’t you have work to do?” I looked pointedly at my other employees, frantically trying to fulfill orders as caffeine-starved people jockeyed for their orders.

She sighed and got back to work, mixing drinks while I took my coffee to my regular spot. Getting my laptop out, I started going over the notes my editor had sent me. I had been working my ass off for the past few weeks trying to get my book polished off and edited. Between that and running my little cafe, I had been burning the midnight oil much too late for my liking. I briefly pondered on Sarah’s comments on my social life. Though I knew she was joking, it wasn’t too far from the truth. Sure, I had friends, and it wasn’t as if I was some kind of social pariah, but my double career life did leave something to be desired in regards to the recreational department.

I shook off the thoughts and went back to revising. I could contemplate on the inner workings of my life some other time.

After about three hours, I decided that it was time I took a break. Though I had been there quite some time, it was nearing around nine o’ clock, and people were still bustling about trying to fulfill orders. I thought briefly about jumping in to help out, but then I remembered my last attempt at barista-ing (is that even a word?). Long story short, we were forced to buy three new coffee makers after I attempted a new style of brewing that I had seen on the Food Network. I have since sworn off both coffee making as well as watching Barefoot Contessa.

So I allowed my employees do what I paid them to do, and settled in with Crime and Punishment. It was about my eighth time re-reading it, but what can I say? We all have our guilty pleasures. An old woman being axe-murdered just happens to be one of mine.

I was just getting to Razumikhin’s visit when a voice pulled me out of my reading-induced stupor.

“Crime and Punishment, huh?”

I glared at the book, refusing to look up. I knew it was a customer. Everyone who worked at Y/L/N’s knew not to interrupt me while I was in the midst of reading. As pet peeves go, it was near the top of my list, right up there with loud chewing and people who don’t cover their mouths when they sneeze.

I responded without moving my head in the slightest, turning my page to signify that I was, in fact, reading, and not just staring blankly at a book hoping that a stranger would strike up conversation with me.

“Mmhm.”

“That seems pretty heavy for a coffee shop read, don’t you think?”

Man, this guy really doesn’t take a hint, does he? And who says coffee shop reading has to be light? I certainly had never heard of that social norm. And you know what else I had never heard of? People being overjoyed when a stranger interrupts their reading. So I turned my face up to look at him, ready to tell this guy off for being especially rude and discourteous.

And I stopped dead in my movements. Because it just so happened that Mr. Book Interrupter was incredibly hot. Gorgeous, actually. Some might even call him beautiful. With those green eyes and that light scruff and that sharp jawline. Dear Lord.

Oh, and he was Jensen Ackles. You know, the famous guy? The one who’s on that really popular TV show with the monsters and ghosts and the like? The one that I may or may not have been obsessed with at that current moment in time?

So, naturally, I stared with my mouth hanging open like a fool for…I don’t know, ten seconds? Or maybe it was ten minutes. It felt like ten years, but I knew that was probably unlikely.

He chuckled a little awkwardly, his hand coming up to rub the back of his neck. This was enough to snap me out of it. I shut my mouth quickly, hoping there was no drool littering my chin, and looked away, embarrassed.

“Sorry, I, um, didn’t mean to stare.”

He nodded, his cheeks a little pink, and I vaguely thought about what it would be like to run my fingers over his blushing cheek, to see if that scruff was as delicious feeling as it looked. Thankfully, my fingers didn’t obey this command. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I remembered reading that he had moved to Austin. But I had never even imagined the possibility that he would be here, in my tiny coffee shop. Why was he here? There were plenty of other, more upscale cafes in Austin. Ones that were surely more worthy of his celebrity status.

My brain suddenly reminded me that he had said something before I so rudely chose to gawk. Ah, right! My book. Even all the glory of Jensen fucking Ackles wasn’t enough to take away from the fact that I was still a little miffed about that. So I decided to treat him as I would any other stranger who had chosen to interrupt my leisure time. I mean, he’s just a person, right? An incredibly handsome, talented, famous person, but a person nonetheless. And it’s not like I was obsessed with him. I was obsessed with the character he played. And that’s totally different.

At least, that’s what I told myself. It was a lie, of course, but it helped me muster up the courage to at least speak in his presence.

“Right, well, Dostoevsky’s writing actually isn’t that complex. Most of his works have overarching themes of nihilism and the natural psychological tendencies of mankind, so once you realize that it’s pretty much just plot analyzation.”

Oh God. I was going for slightly annoyed yet still cool and collected, but instead I did the thing. The rambling thing. Sarah called it my nerd brain purge. Apparently when I get nervous I tend to over inform. God, this interaction was getting more embarrassing by the second.

Jensen looked just as surprised as I did. Maybe he thought I was going to stare at him some more. He sat down in the armchair next to me, wiping his hands on the thighs of his jeans. His glorious, glorious thighs. I had dreamed of those bowlegs before, but TV and my imagination didn’t do them nearly enough justice. Aaand now I was fangirling again. Don’t stare, don’t stare, don’t stare, I repeated like a mantra in my brain.

It was harder to keep my cool than I had previously expected.

“Well, uh, that certainly sounds complex to me. But I haven’t exactly read much Dostoevsky, so I’ll have to take your word for it.”

I smiled slightly and nodded. Maybe that was the approach to take. If I just kept my mouth shut, nothing else stupid could come tumbling out.

He seemed at a loss for what to say next. I saw a light bead of perspiration forming on his upper lip, and he started fidgeting with a tiny thread that was poking out of the sleeve of his jacket. Was he nervous? All the signs seemed to point to that. But what possible reason would Jensen Ackles, TV star and celebrity extraordinaire, have to be nervous around me? In fact, why did he even come over here in the first place?

I decided to abandon my former rule about speaking, my curiosity getting the best of me.

“So, uh, did you need something? I’m sure you didn’t come over here just to discuss the many plot devices of Dostoevsky.”

I let out a little laugh, trying to relieve the tension that hung in the air between us.

Jensen laughed slightly, too, and blushed again. He seemed even more flustered now. I couldn’t understand why.

“Um I wanted to ask you-well actually I was wondering, uh, what your name is?”

I smiled slightly at his stuttering. I didn’t fully understand what was happening at the moment, but I did know that he was extremely adorable when he was ruffled.

“Y/N. Y/N Y/L/N.”

I thrust out my hand for him to shake.

He slid his hand into mine, and I swore I felt a spark of electricity travel up my arm when his rough, calloused hand enveloped mine.

“Jensen Ackles.”

“I know,” I blurted out before I could stop myself. My cheeks instantaneously burned red hot. Why, why did I have to say that?

He grinned. A contemplative look flashed across his face, then, and his brows furrowed as though he was attempting to solve a very difficult math problem.

“Wait, Y/L/N? As in…” he gestured to the area around us, indicating that he was asking about the coffee shop.

“One and the same.” I shook my head in affirmation, my cheeks still uncomfortably hot.

“So you’re the owner of this place?”

I nodded again, starting to feel like a bobblehead.

“That’s cool… that’s really cool.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, trying to figure out where he was headed with all of this. He squirmed a little under my gaze.

“Can I ask you something?” I asked before I stopped myself.

He nodded, leaning a little closer to me as I spoke.

“Why are you talking to me? I mean, you’re a-you’re a celebrity. What made you want to make awkward small talk with me, of all people?”

There. It was out, now. The question that had been hanging in the air since he shad approached me. I may have sounded a little brusque while asking it, but at least I could know now, understand why Jensen had chosen to spend a beautiful Thursday morning in a cramped coffee shop, talking to a girl who had previously had her nose buried in a book.

“Well, um. This is going to sound super creepy.” He took a deep breath, and my eyebrows shot up in question, gesturing for him to continue.

“Well, I’ve kind of been…watching you.”

My eyebrows flew even higher.

“Watching me?” I squeaked.

“Not like that!” He said quickly. “I haven’t been stalking you or anything like that. It’s just… I’ve been coming in here every day for the past two months, and you’re here every day. Sitting in this same spot. And you always look super busy. Like, you’re always either writing furiously on that little notebook,” he motioned to my notepad beside me, which was, indeed, open and full of scribbled words. “or you’re typing on your laptop. And you have this incredible focus. I’ve never even seen you look up from your work. And you do this thing, where you scrunch up your eyebrows and chew on the inside of your cheek when you’re thinking really hard. I guess…today was just the first day I’ve ever seen you look…still. Calm. I don’t know, this probably sounds dumb, but there’s just something about you that made me feel like I had to talk to you. That I had to see what you were working on so furiously every day. And that I had to tell you that-that you’re extremely beautiful.” He said the last part in a big rush of air, like it had been physically painful for him to hold the words inside his chest and they just had to come out all at once.

I stared at him in shock. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. Jensen Ackles was here. In front of me. Telling me I was beautiful and that he had noticed me. He had noticed me. He had been coming here for two months? And I had never seen him? How could I have missed him? He was JENSEN ACKLES. Was it really possible that I had been so wrapped up in trying to get my book finished that I had been completely missing looking up and seeing him all these days?

I hadn’t spoken for a good fifteen seconds, just staring at him numbly, trying to process everything he had said.

“Please, say something,” he begged. He looked a little desperate.

I forced myself to snap out of it.

“I-” I laughed a little, still reeling. “I don’t really know what to say. Thank you, I guess.”

He beamed at me, flashing his bright whites. My stomach flip flopped. That had been the first time he had smiled, really smiled, since we had started this conversation, and it took my breath away. We sat there for a moment, him smiling broadly and me grinning like a fool back at him. I got lost in those piercing eyes and the tiny freckles smattered across the bridge of his nose and continuing on to his cheeks.

The moment was interrupted by a loud ringing. We both jumped, and Jensen snatched his phone out of his pocket. He looked at the caller ID and his eyes widened.

“Oh shit. What time is it?” he asked frantically.

I checked my own phone. “Umm…almost 10:15.”

He swore under his breath again and answered the call with a swipe of his finger.

“Jared! Look, dude, I’m so sorry I’m late. I got caught up with something.”

He must have been talking to his costar, Jared Padalecki. I was struck again with how crazy and surreal this whole thing was. Not for the first time that day, I wondered if I was in some kind of a dream. Or maybe a drug-induced hallucination. But inwardly, I knew that my subconscious could never have been this creative. This was completely and totally one hundred percent real.

“Look, I’ll be there in five minutes, okay?…Yeah…Okay, I’ll see you soon.”

He ended the call with a jab of his finger, and turned back to me.

“You have to go,” I stated. I hoped my voice didn’t give away my disappointment.

“Yeah,” he said somberly. “I’m really sorry, but I completely forgot I made plans.”

“It’s okay,” I nodded. “I get it.”

He nodded, and started to get up, then seemed to think better of it and sat back down, facing me.

“Could we…could we do this again sometime? Not exactly this, obviously, I was thinking a different location, and a different day, and we would probably be wearing different clothes, and-”

I cut off his rambling, putting my hand on top of his. He looked down at our hands, and then back up at me.

“Yeah,” I smiled shyly. “Yeah, I’d love to.”

He bit his lip and grinned, gesturing to my phone. “Can I…?”

“Oh!” I typed in the password and handed it to him, allowing him to enter his phone number. He punched in some digits and handed it back. Our fingers brushed for a moment as I took it from him, and I felt that flip flop sensation in my stomach all over again. I smiled when I saw that he had saved his number under the name “Jay”.

“I’ve really gotta get going,” he said apologetically.

I nodded, and Jensen turned and started towards the door, dodging over-caffeinated soccer moms and their grabby children as he did. Once he reached the counter, though, he stopped. He swiveled to face me once more.

“Hey Y/N?” he called out through the din of people chatting and orders being yelled.

“Yeah?” I responded hopefully.

“Call me, okay?”

There was a kind of vulnerability in his eyes. It wasn’t a rhetorical question. It was almost as if he needed to hear me say it, that he needed the reassurance that I would actually use the number he’d given me.

So I stared into those emerald eyes and hoped that I looked sincere. “Yeah, Jensen. I’ll call you.” I smiled reassuringly.

He nodded. He looked a little more confident, a little more sure of himself, then, as he winked at me and turned on his heel to stride out the door.

I sighed happily, collapsing against my chair. Now I knew what all those romance novels (which I totally, definitely don’t have a stash of underneath my bed) were talking about when the girl got all swoony. My mind was moving at warp speed, trying to catalog every detail, every flash of those dimples to think back on later. I could not wait to tell Sarah about this.

[dwestfieldblog]

A WITCHES BREW

How many impossible things to believe before a psychedelic breakfast today? Welcome to here there and everywhere, now then and every when. You are reading a man who rhymes quantum with random because it makes sense, good luck.

Way too much normal news last time, so I will limit such to 3 things I have seen only by accident this month...President Benny of Israel (seems like he has been in power a looong time now) has said (without any signs of irony) that Israel understands the desire of the Kurds for their own state. Altogether now...Hmmm. Allow your sentience to fill in the blanks...but not in the occupied territories.

Anyway and meanwhile...Well, America, it looks as if your destiny is manifesting right before your very eyes. You must feel like true master magicians. Loved Trump's rant at the United/Untied Nations Assembly about North Korea...they will be 'totally destroyed', like I mean, you know, to-tally...'The righteous many need to confront the wicked few'. They tried that recently in the USA by standing up to racists and fascists of the moronic ku klax klan and the neo wannabe hitlers...and Duck Fart just said there was...'good and bad on both sides'...So...so much for the wicked few running scared. This man is a gift for the Conspiracy for Counter Evolution. The ideal puppet ass clown.  

Now is that any way to talk about the leader of the free world? Arf.

Duck Fart's famous low attention span...intelligence dies when it cannot focus for long (or even moderate) periods. Energy becomes hollowed out, running on empty and burning only on finite ego. Thought of the Golden One again when I read last week about Uncle Stalin regularly executing the chiefs of his secret police due to his paranoia...(which ended up killing him anyway...) That said, few can be sad at the ignominious removal of the foul Steve Bannon. May Breitbart bite the big one soon. Inashallah, Sieg Heil. Hail Mary. Ex president Shrub behaved like a goofy child of nine, Trump comes across like a petulant teen, sullenly trying to look serious among the adults and then regressing to phone slamming and storming off to his room to play with his phone. Impeach this reptile incubus now, ridicule him into utter obscurity. Then focus your intelligence on his up and coming son. The emperor's boy has seen the nearness of the crown of glory... Anyone in America who isn't paranoid these days must be crazy.

That which is objectively repressed will become subjectively repressed. (The unspeakable becomes unthinkable)...and deeper and deeper it goes... Everything not compulsory is going to be forbidden.  

Speaking of which...

Better the devil you think you know? (If you cannot banish you really shouldn't summon...) *acebook has proudly stated recently that it now 'has the largest facial dataset to date'. It spends over 10million dollars per year on a host of creepy self empowerment, including attempts to stop biometric privacy legislation. That's right, to stop it. So every time you post a selfie of you or your friends, the facial points and characteristics are noted in geometrical computer images to be used at a later date...perhaps just to send you advertisements of exciting consumer goods...or for...well...(Orwell)  just about anything your rational paranoia could dream up at 3 am. Nice idea to have a future president Zuckerberg who not only has all the power but who genuinely knows everything about you.  

'...because any wizard bright enough to survive for five minutes was bright enough to realise that if there was any power in demonology, then it lay with demons. Using it for your own purposes would be like trying to beat mice to death with a rattlesnake.'  T.Prachett. Just ask Cagliostro....

Mass surveys in the western world declare that the majority of water we drink via taps at home is packed with plastic particles. By the end of the century the 'average' person will be ingesting 780,000 bits of micro plastic a year...within this is included the 11,000 we already eat via seafood. 'Fresh' or otherwise...Damn, that's 4 news items. Time to ignore ALL news again and feel mental health rising...

'Verily a polluted stream is man, One must be an ocean to receive a polluted stream without becoming unclean'. Freddie nails it again...

Creation was caused by focused thought form radiations of a higher oscillating force upon binary possibility waves...Obviously, concentrating upon particulars (AKA, the devil is in the detail) raises your evolutionary energies...Time and space are only real to our sensory organs, they ain't really real. Our consciousness on every level controls events... imprints/ influences information fields around us to shape 'reality'. Which as a child knows, is subjective. Okay? YOU are a magician.

'To open the eternal worlds, to open the immortal eyes of man Inwards,  

into the worlds of thought, into Eternity'. William Blake...who also wrote (as the ancients knew and thus created 'Satans' in order to posit an alternative perspective in democratic debate) '...without contraries is no progression'.  

Ha. Just remembered that during my drug fuelled year at college I had an optional lesson period called 'Does God Exist?' I am childishly amused to admit I have NO idea what the 'conclusive' final lesson was or how we even got any type of grade.  

When did the intelligence rot start? Another generation might say the Fifties, some years after the last world war when the mass began to ease up on their tensions just a little, when consumer society was held up as a cheerful life affirming way forward. Could be after the hippy dream was crushed, crashed and almost burned out in 69...Many believe it to be when mankind began building cities. That sounds about right.

Blurred coherence in the pointless. There seems to have been decades of  mass infiltration of universities in the Western world...Governments have seen that they are indeed hotbeds (to coin a cliché) of various think-for -yourself types to question right wing authority. Even though the majority of students just end up conforming to conservative consumerist capitalism within five years of leaving university. (No I am NOT a socialist).  

Perhaps this has led to manipulations and insertions of topics, themes, curricula, which as my last blog said, direct the attention elsewhere into meaningless debates to filibuster time. Idle, soul decaying distractions.

By what educative standard has it become acceptable to receive a doctorate by writing a thesis on 'The Prevalence of Alienation in Modern Soccer.' or 'Madonna, Beyonce and Miley Cyrus - 21st Century Amazonian Philosphers?' Uff. Mind you, I recently downloaded a PDF of 'The Middle Pillar - A Balance Between Mind and Magic' by Israel Regardie...which had been stamped with a Pennsylvania State Campus Library mark, so perhaps there are pockets of intelligent understanding in various universities...to balance a new white race of uneducated cowards. Hope is an eternal spring:-)

Those who hunger for the glory of an old empire, stop looking back, something wicked caught up with you and went past a long time ago. It awaits afore ye. And as for those who want a new empire based on a similar dominant ideology of allegiance to an invisible sky wizard or else painful death, God just told me that you should forget it. She says you have wasted your whole/hole lives on nothing, but she understands you needed a hobby.

Never once in my life have I felt the need to follow the mass. (Hurrah and hallelujah for me eh?) I felt deeply uneasy around primary colours as as child, the bright plastic magnetic letters on the fridge...(M is for Mummy.) The lesson in primary school when we were taught about English kings...on hearing about the 'divine right', I felt an internal frown of 'That's not right, that's wrong'. My disobedience to the casual arrogance of presumed authority began then. Possibly at seven years old. Four years later in a little notebook I scrawled 'Because an idea is 'traditional', does this make it RIGHT'? Too little self knowledge appears to be a dangerous thing. Know thyselves. Dave, you can't be Sirius:-)

'I slept with Faith and found her a corpse in the morning. I drank and danced all night with doubt and found her a virgin in the morning.' A.C.

Ban the word 'Is'. Globally adopt the idea proposed by Alfred Korzybski, that English Prime (E-Prime) should be used in all scientific works, in order to more accurately report facts of possible reality than to state it IS. IE...it seems to be. Using this in ALL conversations and writings might well move humanity onwards.  

The Earth vibrates at 7 hertz per second...equivalent to the alpha brain wave/dream state. Add this to the oscillations of the brain and we would seem to be hypnotised in a magnetic force field. No wonder we appear to be sleepwalking through this virtual reality TV of life. We are.

'All that we are is the result of all that we have thought'.  Buddha.

This year I fell in love with a possibility and the energy of that idea created a tiny universe of works. And still is. (Whoops, seems to be, arf) Needs to be a balance between discipline and chaos, but the balance needs to be imposed by free will.  Turned on by fascination...Everything is (appears to be, in my perception) permissible...if you accept the consequence. Can you? Would you? Say Yes.

Our circle is cast...

[screensandmelodies-blog]

3 Televsion Shows That Fell Off

By Jared Leal, Anastasia Rafalska and Steven Le

SHERLOCK

By Anastasia Rafalska

“Help me please, I’m on a plane and everyone’s asleep.”

I really like how BBC has interpreted and turned into a movie novels of Arthur Conan Doyle, but honestly, the last episode is just a piece of crap. Some people think it’s a great finish, as Sherlock is revealed as a human, not a detective, but let me explain you something: Sherlock Holmes is the most genius detective in London. He is a legend, he is a person who with just one glance at a piece of paper can recreate an apartment where it was and in seconds determine if there is a weapon in the bag just by analyzing it’s weight, he can predict behaviour of the people couple weeks before.

And now, his character with exceptional intellectual ability is playing in the “real-life quest” done by his sister Eurus, where he was blackmailing by the phone calls from a little girl alone on a passenger plane, where everyone is unconscious apart from her.  I’ m not even taking into account the fact that he could refuse playing this game, as it must be clear to him that something doesn’t add up –the girl doesn’t know where she’s coming from or going, she seems relatively relaxed about the huge passages of time passing between their conversations. Surely he’d be able to deduce that she wasn’t really on a plane, yet he never appears to doubt the veracity of her call, consequently under the pressure Sherlock is almost ready to kill his brother and other people. 

The next important thing: from the second episode we were convinced that Eurus is the most dangerous prisoners in the world and according to Mycroft, she is “an era-defining genius beyond Newton”. She uses a lot of smart words, but if you just take a look on what she is doing during the whole episode, you’ll understand that there is nothing genius or original, there is no sense in her actions.

We love Sherlock Holmes for his deduction, extraordinary cases, unusual things that have a logical explanation, but unfortunately none of it was used in the last episode. 

THE 100

By Steven Le

There were many things in the story of the 100 that captivated us. The 100 is a story based on the post apocalypse of Earth after having radiation spread all over the world killing off mankind like a plague. Mankind had to create an Ark spaceship to send themselves into space to live until the Earth was freed of radiation and become inhabitable again. After 10 long years of living in space, the crew members had made a decision of sending 100 delinquents and misfits down to Earth to ‘test’ if it was safe to inhabit again. Throughout season 1, this plot had captivated many people as we would be following along with Clarke, the leader of the delinquents and see how they would prevail in the trials that await them. From the grounders who were used to the radiation to the surviving humans left in the mountains 10 years ago, seasons 1 to 2 had kept viewers entertained for months.

However, after season 2 was the start of where The 100’s storyline worsened. Throughout season 3 we find out that one of their own went out to look for salvation on Earth, only to become inhabited by an artificial intelligence bot named “Alie”. From this point, the story seemed way more farfetched than it was from the start. Having a mind controlling artificial intelligence infect people’s minds by simply eating a microchip that would attach itself at the back of your neck was just plain unreal and stupid. The affects that this microchip would do to someone was allow them hallucinate throughout their subconscious imagining a city called ��The City of Light’, where no conflict would happen, and no hate would consume the hearts of man.

However, this was not all to the fall of The 100. After season 3’s crazy plotline, comes the current season, season 4. The plot was briefly touched upon at the end of season 3 where Clarke and the remaining people of the Ark found out that the Earth was doomed to radiation once again. When the problem was explained to their allies, the grounders and the rest of the Arkadian’s, no one had a surprised expression. The Arkadians seemed as though they felt no real imminent danger of possibly getting wiped out by the Earth’s radiation AGAIN! All in all my disappointment with the show currently is that they are lacking in certain details within the story that should be more carefully explained to allow viewers to fully understand the situation at hand. The show should also reveal more emotion as to how distressed our protagonists are feeling towards the current situation in season 4.

THE OFFICE

By Jared Leal

Note: May be difficult to understand without prior knowledge.

Note: I get heated in this one, bear with me and don’t take it too seriously, enjoy…

“Today, smoking is going to save lives.”

The quote by Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) before one of the most outrageous pre-shows I have ever seen, sticks to this day. NBC’s adaptation of BBC’s “The Office” is one of the few shows that I consider a part of me. This comes from its more documentary type of presentation. The setting an ordinary workplace of supposedly ordinary people. The format would include monologues in the form of interviews of each character in between plot points. I’m no nerd, I don’t know if this format has been used before The Office and Parks and Recreation, but it definitely softens that veil of disbelief everyone has when consuming fiction. In other words, it feels real. Mix this with a dry sense of awkward, character-driven humour from its primary comedic engines in Michael Scott (Steve Carrell) and Dwight Schrute, and all I see is my favourite comedy television show of all time.

They glory is there from the very beginning, introducing main characters Michael with his unrelenting but genuine incompetence, Dwight and his arrogant but naïve superiority complex (as far as we think...), and the sustaining unresolved romantic tension of Jim Halpert (Jon Krasinski) and Pam Beasley (Jenna Fischer). This glory is sustained through 7 seasons of wonderful ups and downs that all the characters shared and fought through. Then Michael Scott leaves.

I actually watched the 8th season, the first full season without Steve Carrell as the primary character. Ed Helms’ Andy Bernard takes over Michael’s managing job and the show’s attempts to restore former glory without shamefully replicating it, commence. This season wasn’t good but it definitely wasn’t horrid, but without the driving force of the show, it was evidently missing something. I am actually part of the group of viewers that actually enjoyed Andy and Erin Hannon’s (Ellie Kemper) romance; the previous season setup several subtle but sweet moments which were resolved this season, much to my satisfaction (we’ll get back to this).

Which leads us to the 9th and final season, which I could not bear to complete. I can’t really say how bad it is or even if it is actually bad, but I can say how my optimism was gutted. Introducing a plethora of new characters I don’t care about, this late into the show, is the first mistake. Evidently, I don’t remember their names and don’t have the dignity to search them up, but they were two young office dudes I think. The asshole-ification of Andy was the second mistake: making him act like an ass to his employees and making him neglect Erin (who he worked so hard for) is just not something I saw him doing when he was first introduced in the 3rd season. This of course led to end of their relationship, which I thought couldn’t get much worse until she rebounded onto one of the two new nobodies I mentioned before (for the record, I’m sure they’re nice guys). This is of course is where the thrill was gone completely; actually I stopped before this happened (thanks to Wikia for softening this blow).

So yeah, I guess my disappointment with the show and the fact that I could not receive proper closure to one of my favourite shows of all time got me heated in this post. But the beauty of fiction is that I can choose to stop my suspension of disbelief whenever I want. And I can still enjoy the first seven seasons as I did before because it makes me happy. And I’m crying now, goodbye.

I aint don’t worry.

[helloelizabethsmithposts]

Perhaps My Heavenly Father GOD, Will Bless Me To Live In A World, THAT TRULY HAVE RIGHTEOUS MEN & WOMEN, WORKING IN ONENESS WITH GODHEAD AGAIN!!!

                          Mr.Sammie L. Smith Jr.

                                   A Anointed Prophetic Preacher

                   Whom GODHEAD(YAHWEH& YESHUA)

                    Chose To Preach The Gospel Of The

                   KINGDOM OF HEAVEN IS AT HAND.

                   My Dad Was Not Crazy, Nor Had A Blood-

                  Pressure Problem, Yes He Had A Concusion

                  Because Of The Selfish Ass Bastards At

                 City Of Hall, With The Trifling Ass Government

                 Montgomery, Alabama { The Employee At

                That Job, While Being A Teenager

                 Dropped The Construction Ball Down, And It

                Fell On My Dad's Head... To Not Even Consider

                Someone's Life, And The Trauma It Caused

                My Dad's Heart... You All Better Bet, I Won't

                Let No One In This World Who Is Wicked

                To The Core Of Their Evil Ass Soul, Escape

                The Judgment, Punishment, Wrath, And

                Indignation Of GODHEAD = ELOHIM-

                HIS MAJESTY, WHOM I SERVE              

                WHOLEHEARTEDLY, SINCE MY

                 HEAVENLY FATHER GOD CALLED                 ME BY MY NAME PERSONALLY!

                  I WILL ASSURE MY VERY,VERY, VERY

                  PRECIOUS HEARTED LOVED ONES,

                  IN HEAVEN, WITH MY ABEOJI NEM,

                  I WILL DEAL WITH MY TASK VERY

                  SHREWDLY, AND VERY FLAWLESSLY

                  TO EVERY DEVIL, WHO IS IN THIS

                  WORLD, AND UNDER THIS WORLD

                  I WON'T SHOW YOUR WICKED ASS

                  NO MERCY!!! THE HOLY BIBLE, IS

                  MORE REAL, AND VERY TRUTHFUL

                  THAN ANYONE, IN THIS WORLD

                  HAS EVER SHOWN OR TOLD ME!!!

                 I HATE AMERICA, BECAUSE THEY

                 HAVE BLAMED, OTHER COUNTRIES

                  ON THE VERY SIN'S, AND CRIMES

                  THAT THEY THEIRSELVES CHOSE

                  TO COMMIT!!! THROUGH THE POWER

                  OF GODHEAD IN ME, I CERTAINLY

                  WAS TRULY TAUGHT PERSONALLY,

                  BY EL ELYON, AFTER DECEMBER 5,2004.

                  THE DAY BEFORE MY DAD'S BIRTHDAY,

                  HE RETURNED BACK TO HEAVEN!

                  BEING ANGRY AGAIN I SAUGHT

                 THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY CREATOR

                  OF HEAVEN, AND OF EARTH EVEN

                  MORE!!! STUPIDLY PEOPLE

                  THROUGH THE YEARS, UNDERESTIMATED

                  ME, TALKING SUCH DAMNED LIES ON ME!

                  MY TRIALS OF FAITH, WAS A QUEST I

                  REQUESTED OF MY HEAVENLY FATHER

                  GOD-ELOHIM MY ETERNAL GOD!

                   IT WAS TO UNDERSTAND THOSE I TRULY

                  LOVED, MY DAD, BROTHER, AND SISTER!

                  THEIR TRAITS AT CERTAIN TIMES,

                    HAD DEEPER MEANING TO THEM.

                   SO I DID WHAT THE HOLY BIBLE SAY'S

                   TO DO!!! AND NOW I CERTAINLY, OH

                  ALPHA AND OMEGA- MY VERY POWERFUL

                 WONDERFUL, AND LOVING

                  COMPASSIONATE HUSBAND, THAT LOOK

                  ON THE CROSS OF CALVARY, THE

                  BETRAYAL OF THOSE IN THE

                  MULTITUDES!!!! I SEE WHY ADONAI

                  IN GENSIS SENT RAIN TO DESTROY

                 MANKIND, THEIR VERY SELFISHNESS

                 CAUSED THE WRATH OF GODHEAD

                   TO EVEN HATE THE FACT THAT HE(GOD)

                    EVEN CREATED MANKIND!

                    THIS AMERICA IT'S FULL OF DECEPTION

               IT STINKS, THEY EVEN HAVE

                    THAT BASTARDS ARROGANCE= SATAN!

                    THEY MOCK EVERYTHING, ABOUT

                    THE HOLY BIBLE YET THEY THINK

                    THEY ARE SUPPOSE TO HAVE WEALTH

                    AND RICHES!!!! YOU ARE VERY

                  STUPID CREATURES, WHO CHOOSE

                  TO SERVE THAT BEAST- SERPENT!!!

                  EVEN IF I HAVE TO LEAVE, AMERICA

                  BEHIND, AND GO LIVE IN ANOTHER

                  COUNTRY THAT HAVE THE TRUE

                  ESSENCE OF GODHEAD IN IT'S

                  ENTIRE COUNTRY SO BE IT!!!

                  I'M FINISHED WITH STRIVING WITH

                  DUMBASS PEOPLE WHO CLAIM

                  THEY LOVE YOU, BUT HATE IS IN

                   EVERYTHING YOU SAY AND DO!!!

                   YOU ALL ARE BACKWARDS, VERY

                   UNSTABLE... I'M NOT PRAYING FOR

                   NONE OF YOU ALL ANYMORE...

                 IF YOU CAN'T SEEK GOD FOR

                 YOURSELVES, WITHOUT

                 NEEDING SOMEONE TO TEACH

                 YOU EVERYTHING, THAN BASICALLY

                 YOU ALL ARE STILL SPOILED- LITTLE

                 TODDLERS, MAKING MESSES, ALL

                 AROUND THE WORLD!{ SMOKING

                LEAVING CIGARS AROUND ON THE

               GROUND, DRINKING BEER, AND LEAVING

              GLASS BOTTLES, AND CANS AROUND!!!

              THIS IS VERY SENSELESS, TO TRY TO

              GET ANGRY AT ANOTHER COUNTRY

               WHO JUST PURELY LIVE IN

               RIGHTEOUSNESS, WITHOUT

              BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO!!!

              YOU SELFISH BASTARDS CHOSE TO

             MAKE DAMN LAWS, TO HATE GODHEAD

            THEN, DAMN IT YOU ALL WILL BE

            SEVERLY JUDGED FOR YOUR DUMBASS

             CHOICES! IT WAS WRONG OF THOSE 6

            PRESIDENTS TO GET INTO THOSE OFFICES

           KNOWING THAT THE INTENTIONS OF

           THEIR HEARTS WAS HATRED!!!!

               I DID KNOW THESE THINGS, AS A

             LITTLE GIRL, I OBSERVED EVERYTHING,

            AND EVERYONE, I'VE ENCOUNTERED

             ALL THROUGH THESE YEARS!!!

             I WILL BE VERY, HAPPY WHEN MY

            HUSBAND RETURNS BACK, BECAUSE

            THE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD, IS JUST

            TOO DAMN SELFISH, AND ONLY

            ADONAI, KNOWS WHERE I INTEND

           TO GO LIVE NOW, BUT AMERICA DON'T

           NEED NOTHING, BUT A OLDTIME&

           AN UPGRADED ASS WHOOPING FOR

          CENTURIES OF HATRED, YOU ALL

          HAVE BEEN LIVING IN!!! THINKING

          I WASN'T AWARE OF HOW I WAS

          BEING TREATED IN THOSE HOSPITAL

          EVENTS I WAS... DAVID TOLD ME

          THIS IN THE HOLY BIBLE, THOSE WHO

          ARE MEAN TO YOU IN THE DAYS

         OF ADVERSITY ARE MY ENEMIES TOO!!!!

         EVERYONE WHO HAS WICKEDLY, DONE

        ANY CHILD OF GODHEAD WRONG IN THIS

       LIFE, WILL BE JUDGED AND SENTENCE TO

          HELL, AND THEIR WON'T BE NO

         RETURNING BACK FOR YOUR EVIL

         BLACK ASS!!!{THOSE I LOVED THEY

        NEVER WRONGED NO ONE, THEY

        JUST LOVED EVERYONE, WHILE I

       NEVER LOVED NO DAMN ENEMY!!!

        ONCE A TRADER, ALWAYS A TRADER!

         JUST LIKE A PERSON WHO GOSSIPS,

         WILL ALWAYS FIND SOMEONE TO

        GOSSIP ABOUT!!! I ALWAYS HAVE, AND

        I ALWAYS WILL HATE ANYONE WHO,

       LIES AND DECEIVE OTHER'S IN SPEAKING

      LOVE, BUT REALLY IT'S YOU LUST AFTER US!

      {{{ WRAP ME IN YOUR EVERLASTING EMBRACE,

           KING OF GLORY, AND DESTROY ALL OF

          MY ENEIMES OFF OF THE EARTH, FOR

         ALL ETERNITY FOR ME!!!}}} LORD JESUS

       CHRIST KNOWS, I REALLY MISS MY

      KINGDOM OF HEAVEN TRUE CREW, THEY

       REPRESENTED THE WHOLE WAY IN

      RIGHTEOUSNESS WITH THEIR

      WHOLEHEARTED'S LIVING IN ONENESS

     WITH OUR HEAVENLY FATHER GOD-ELOHIM!

       THE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD THESE

       DAYS, TRY TO IMPRESS EVERYONE

      THAT GODHEAD-YAHWEH& YESHUA

      WITH THE HOST OF HEAVEN WILL

     DESTROY EVERY KINGDOM THAT'S NOT

     OF GOD-ELOHIM, OFF THE FACE OF THE

     EARTH, ALONG WITH THOSE WHO LOVE

     THEIRSELVES, MORE THAN THE OWNER=

      EL ELYON HIMSELF!!! NO MATTER WHERE

     I LIVE IN THIS WORLD, I'LL ONLY

      CONSIDER MY HEAVENLY FATHER GOD-ELOHIM

      FOR ALL ETERNITY, IT'S NOT A CERTAINTY

     IN HELPING OTHER PEOPLE ANYMORE,

    THEY THINK ONLY OF THEIR DAMN SELVES

    TOO MUCH... YO KOH(KINGDOM OF HEAVEN,

    I WAS REALLY HOPING THEY REALLY GAVE,

    ME THOSE OPTIONS LONG AGO, I WOULD

    HAVE BEEN LIVING IN ANOTHER COUNTRY

    FOR YEARS NOW!!! DAMN YOU ALL AMERICA,

   AND THE REST OF THE COUNTRIES WHO

    HATE GODHEAD-YAHWEH & YESHUA!!!

    I WILL PETITION HEAVEN, FOR VENGENCES,

    FOR US ALL WHO WHERE TRIFLED WITH

    IN THIS LIFE, FOR OUR INHERITANCE...

    OH YEAH, SINCE THE IRS DIDN'T GIVE ME

    MY MONEY, I PRAY OH HEAVENLY FATHER

    GOD-ELOHIM HIS MAJESTY START GIVING

    MEN & WOMEN FOR MY LIFE!!! THEY

     WICKEDLY TORMENTED THOSE I LOVED

      DEARLY, JUST FOR SOME DAMN THINGS

      THAT WASN'T EVEN THEIRS!!! AND WHATS

     WORSE THEY CLAIM WE TAKE CARE OF OUR

    CITIZENS IN AMERICA, BUT THAT'S DAMN

    GARABAGE THEY CHOSE TO FAVOR STRANGERS

     FROM A FOREIGN LAND, INSTEAD OF TAKING

    CARE OF THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN PRAYING,

    AND SUPPORTING THEIR DAMN LYING ASS!!

   IF YOU ALL KEEP THIS UP, WITHIN A BLINK\

  OF AN EYE, YOU ALL WILL BE SMITTEN OFF

 OF THIS EARTH FOR GOOD!!! IT IS NOT

GOOD TO OVERTHROW THE RIGHTEOUS

 FOR THE WICKED!!! COME BACK SOON

 ALPHA AND OMEGA, OH CHARIOT ONE,

 I REALLY MISS BEING WITH YOU ALL NOW,

 MANKIND, HAS LOST ALL OF THEIR DAMN

 SENSE'S JUST TO BE LIKE ANOTHER DAMN

  STINKY BASTARD IN LUST!!!

  DON'T EVEN LET ME GET ON THOSE DAMN

INDUSTRIES IN AMERICA, THEIR LYING ASS

 JUST USED SCRIPTURES TO GET WEALTH, NOT

 KNOWING I HAVE TOLD MY ABEOJI(MY FATHER

 GOD EVERYTHING, ABOUT EVERY DAMN TRADER

 IN THIS WORLD, AND UNDER IT!!! YOU

  BASTARDS FROM HELL, WE WILL BLAST YALL

  YALL ASS, BACK INTO THE LAKE OF FIRE, FOR

  ALL ETERNITY... THIS IS FOR MY 2 MOST FAVORITE

 MEN I HAVE EVER KNOWN IN THIS WORLD!!!

{{{ I REALLY SHOULD HAVE TALKED, AND NOT

 HID NOTHING FROM YOU ALL, BECAUSE

 YOU ALL PROTECTED ME SO VERY MUCH,

 BACK THEN, I THOUGHT IT WOULD

 LAST FOREVER, SO I JUST DIDN'T TELL YOU

 ALL, BUT NOW I REGRET NOT SITTING

 DOWN AND TALKING WITH YOU REAL

 MEN OF GODHEAD-YAHWEH, THEIR

IS NOT MEN IN THIS WORLD LIKE,

YOU ALL ANYMORE, AND I'M CERTAIN

THIS IS WHY IT HURTS ME SO VERY MUCH!!!

TEAMWORK FROM HEAVEN TO EARTH,

IT'S WAY MUCH BETTER THAN, CARNAL MINDED.

TO BE FLESHLY MINDED IS DESTRUCTION!!!

ANYONE WHO IS STUPID IN LIVING IN THE LUST

 OF THE FLESH SHOULD BURN IN HELL!!! HOW

DO YOU LUST AFTER SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU!!!!

 THAT'S A DAMN SIN SURE ENOUGH IN THE SIGHT OF GOD-ELOHIM!!! THAT DOG= HOMOSEXUAL MINDSET DOESN'T HAVE NO CONTROL

 OVER NOTHING, EVERYONE IS NOT YOURS,

 WHEN YOU VOW TO ONE PERSON, THAT PERSON

 ALONE, IS YOURS!!! SHOULD YALL DAMN ASS

KEEP THIS DAMN MINDSET UP, I WILL SHOW

 EVERYONE IN THIS WORLD YOU WILL, HATE

 THE DAY YOU DAMN FALLEN CHERIUB BASTARDS

MESSED THIS LAST CHILD OF THE SMITH LINAGE!

ONE THING WAS TRIFLING WITH MY BROTHER, THE SECOND ONE WAS TRIFLING WITH MY DAD, BUT TOO TICK ME OFF LIKE THIS, YALL DON'T WANT

TO KNOW WHAT THIS CHILD OF GODHEAD-YAHWEH& YESHUA WITH THE HOST OF HEAVEN

 IS CAPABLE OF... ESPECIALLY AFTER, YOU

 ALL FREELOADED OFF MY FAITH IN GODHEAD

ALONE!!! STRIKE THEIR ASS DOWN HOST OF HEAVEN, I WON'T DEFEND FOR ANYONE NOW!!!!

 I'M SORRY DAD,BRO, AND SIS, IT TOOK ME

 THIS LONG TO REALIZE THE SUFFERINGS,

 YOU ALL ENDURED IN THIS WORLD, AND

 AMERICA VERY OWN CRIMES WILL BE

  BROUGHT IN MY HUSBAND ALPHA AND OMEGA

MARVELOUS, BRIGHT SHININNG LIGHT=

KING OF GLORY, THANKS FOR BEING WITH ME

 ETERNALLY, CAUSE THIS IS THE KIND OF

CRAP THAT WOULD HAVE YOU DOING

LIKE BROTHER 2PAC!!!! BUT I'M JUST THE

 MUSIC QUEEN OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, WHO

 PLAY THE VIDEO GAMES, TO KEEP ME FROM

 DOING SOME REAL DAMAGE TO ANYTHING!!!

 GODHEAD GAVE YALL 3 TO ME, TO CONTROL MY

 ANGER NOW I SEE THIS NOW!!! BUT DON'T WORRY

 OH PRECIOUS KINGDOM OF HEAVEN HEIRS, IN

HEAVEN EVEN THOUGH OTHERS, LIED IN

FOLLOWING GODHEAD PRECEPTS IN THIS LIFE,

I JUST THANK GODHEAD YOU ALL LEFT

CERTAIN THINGS JUST FOR ME TO REMEMBER

YOUR VERY PRECIOUS, VERY BEAUTIFUL HEARTS!

I WILL GO TRAVELING WITH ADONAI NEM, LEAVING

EVERY DAMN THING, AND EVERY DAMN

WICKED BASTARD BEHIND IN THE PAST,

WHERE YOU ALL BELONG FOR GOOD...

ALL RACIST BASTARDS THEIR IS NO USE

OF YOU ALL IN THIS WORLD NO MORE,

YOUR DESTRUCTION IS VERY, NEAR

NO SORCERY CAN SAVE YALL, I'M IN

FULL MATURITY NOW SO DON'T TRY

NO DAMN SAUL STUFF ON ME NO MORE,

I WILL HAVE EVERY HOST OF HEAVEN ARMY TO

EXECUTE EVERY DAMN ENEMY OF OUR'S,

WHO STUPIDLY CONSULTED THESE DAMN THINGS

INTO THIS WORLD!!! YALL IMAGINATIONS,

BROUGHT THINGS INTO THIS WORLD THAT WAS

FORBIDDEN, TO RETURN INTO THIS WORLD!

NOW SINCE I'M QUEEN ELIZABETH L. SMITH{

CONSECRATED TO GOD'S LIGHT- I THE ONE TRUE ONLY LEFT DAUGHTER OF GODHEAD-YAHWEH,

OH ANCIENT OF DAYS, I BESEECHED THEE, MY

ULTIMATE SUPREME, OWNER AND LOVER OF MY

VERY SOUL SEND ME PROSPERITY TO GO FORTH

AND PREACH SAYING THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

IS AT HAND FOREVERMORE, PRAISING THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY FOR ALL ETERNITY,AMEN, AND AMEN!!!! FOCUSING ONLY ON THE HEART OF MY

HEAVENLY FATHER GOD NOW, AND NO ONE ELSE

ANYMORE!!! YOU KNOW TOUSAN MANKIND, REALLY HAS CHOSEN THAT WICKED SERPENT WAYS, AND I REFUSE TO STAY NEAR ANYONE WHO

SERVES BEAST!! JUDGE THEM ACCORING TO THEIR WICKED WAYS, OH LORD JESUS CHRIST, ALPHA AND

OMEGA, I WON'T BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM ANYMORE, THEY ARE JUST SELFISH ASS KIDS,

THAT'S SLOTHFUL,WASTEFUL, STIFFNECKED, HAUGHTY, ARROGANT, AND PRIDEFUL AS HELL!!!

LET THESE WAYS THEY LOVE SO VERY MUCH, BE THEIR VERY OWN DOWNFALL, FOR WHAT I HEARD

THAT DREADFUL NIGHT, IN RETURNING BACK

SEEING MY TWIN LIKE THAT!!! THOSE DAMN IMPS

FROM HELL WILL BE DESTOYED FOR ALL ETERNITY, ALONG WITH THOSE WHO SENT THESE

THINGS TO YOU ALL, WHILE I WASN'T AROUND!!!

LOVE ISN'T ENVIOUS,JEALOUS, NOR COVETOUS= NO ONE THAT'S A GODHATER, SHOULD NEVER SAY

LOVE WHEN, YOU DON'T HAVE THE LOVE OF JESUS CHRIST IN YOUR HEARTS!!!! GODHEAD WILL JUDGE THE JUST AND UNJUST THIS YEAR, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO EVERYONE'S REWARD, THEY WILL RECEIVE THIS YEAR, EXCEPT I WON'T SEE CORRUPTION, SO GOODBYE TO ALL THE DUMBASS BASTARDS WHO CAME INTO THIS COUNTRY

FOR THE LOVE OF MONEY, AND OF OTHER THINGS!

GODHEAD WILL JUDGE EVERY COUNTRY, THAT ALLOWED THIS DAMN HATRED INTO HIS VERY OWN

COUNTRY THAT WAS ORDAINED TO UPHOLD HIS HOLY BIBLE PRECEPTS, BUT THEY DEFIED HIM YEAR AFTER YEAR, AND CENTURY AFTER CENTURY, ALONG WITH DECADE AFTER DECADE, DECEIT WAS IN YOUR HEARTS, FROM THE BEGINNING, SO BE IT,

YOUR VERY OWN DECEPTION WILL DESTROY EVERY SERVANT OF LIES IN THIS WORLD, AND UNDER THIS WORLD... ALPHA AND OMEGA I'M LEAVING THIS CARE IN YOUR HANDS, I WANT JUSTICE, DONE FOR EVERYONE WHO IS IN HEAVEN

WITH YOU ALL, THAT WAS WICKEDLY DONE WRONG, JUST BECAUSE THEY REFUSED TO SELL THEIR SOULS TO THAT DAMN SATAN!!! AND ALSO IN EXCHANGE FOR THIS WICKED FACT TO THOSE, WHO TRIED, TO SEND THOSE I LOVED TO THE LAKE OF FIRE, SEND THOSE WHO PLOTTED THESE DAMN TACTICS UPON EVERYONE, WHO WICKEDLY OVERPOWERED YOUR PRECIOUS BABIES IN AN AMBUSH!!!! NOT KNOWING YOUR WIFE, WAS VERY AWARE OF ANYTHING DONE IN A BATTLE, SEEING I'M YOUR FIGHTER OUEEN OF LIGHT!!! RETURN TO OUR ENEMIES EVERYTHING, THEY SPOKE ON THOSE WE LOVED, AND EVEN MOCKED THEM, WHILE THEY WHERE SUFFERING! LET IT BE A HUNDRED-FOLD ZILLION'S CURSE PACKAGE'S

JUST FOR ALL THOSE WHO LIVE IN COVETOUSNESS

FULLY THESE DAYS, THEY CAN'T ESCAPE, THIS, IT'S

THEIR DESTINY, SEEING THEY STUDYING, AND

EVEN SPOKE CERTAIN THINGS TO THOSE I LOVE, THINKING I WASN'T AROUND!!! MY,MY,MY LOOK

WHAT I'M TRULY AWARE OF SEEING I'M THAT LITTLE BABY WHO WAS SUCKING MY BOTTLE IN CHURCH LOUD, JUST TO IGNORE A FAKE ASS

PREACHER IN THE CHURCH MORE THAN A CONQUEROR, ALABAMA!!! I PUT THESE THINGS IN YOUR VERY MIGHTY, AND POWERFUL HANDS ALPHA AND OMEGA, PERHAPS ONE DAY SOON, AND SUDDENLY I CAN GO AND LIVE INTO A COUNTRY, THAT'S JUST LIKE ME, IT'S NOT WORTH IT STAYING

IN AMERICA, I DENOUNCE AMERICA, AND EVERYTHING THEY STAND FOR NOW!!! IN SEARCH OF A TRUE LOVING COUNTRY THAT'S FILLED WITH THE LOVE,GRACE,MERCY,AND PEACE OF GODHEAD-YAHWEH & YESHUA, WITH ALL OF THE HOST OF HEAVEN LET'S GO LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE NOW, KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, AND IF ANYONE TRY TO HINDER THIS PLAN THIS TIME, BE THOU DESTROYED, AND CONSUMED INTO THE LAKE OF FIRE FOR ALL ETERNITY, IN JESUS HOLY, AND WORTHY NAME I PRAY AMEN!!!!! TO GOD BE THE GLORY FOREVER,AND EVERMORE, AMEN, AND AMEN!!!

[jonjordanforrealz]

The Chronicles of Elfdom

Last December, I documented my struggles with Hermie the Elf - you know, of the “on a shelf” variety, sure, but more accurately, in my head, eating my brain and in my soul, tormenting from here to eternity. 

This is my story, shared only in hopes that it may help others.

Tread lightly... Vol 1: Narrowly avoided complete disaster after totally forgetting about the little bastard on Night 1, despite having read the special book/instruction manual/elf commandments at bedtime. Oldest boy Kramers through our bedroom door at 0500, announcing that he'd prefer to use our bathroom over his. As I pondered the logic behind this, thinking, "Boy, he's assertive," something felt amiss and within seconds, I realized my worst December nightmares (since exam time during the old teaching days) were already coming true. As Boy 1 finished his business, I sprung into action, anticipating his yearning to find our annual household guest at this ungodly hour, escorting his proactive little ass back to his bedroom. Always (read: sometimes) a step ahead, I waited in the hallway for the inevitable: an attempted rendezvous to join forces with little brother. After that was easily intercepted, it was time for a little psychological warfare. Warding off both emotional sabotage (Boy 1's, "Daddy, I love you") and an honesty play (Boy 2's, "We we were trying to find Hermie but he's tricky") some redirecting was in order. Authoritative Dad speaks! "It's 5:00 am. No one comes to this house unless everyone is sleeping." With that understanding in mind, aided by the musical distractions of the old Epcot Canadian band and, of course, Kidz Bop 27, I hunted down Public Enemy #1 in his top secret hideaway. Tucked away in a Target bag - dead giveaway, right? Duh. - I shoved him into my pocket and moved on to recover the donuts that he brought with him from the North Pole. Breaking kayfabe here, I'd actually purchased these GMO-laden diabetes bombs myself from Dunkin Donuts on the way home last night, on direct orders from the General, but yes, still totally forgot about this whole charade... Does anyone realize how fucking loud a paper bag is at 5:15 am? Donuts on a paper plate and little orphan Hermie's demanding ass still secured in my Florida State sleepy pants, I knew I had very little time to reach the intended destination and disappear into whatever remained of this night. Cat- or zombie-like in my movements (not quite sure which) down went the plate and into a bouquet of flowers leftover from Thanksgiving landed Osama - or whatever his name is. Somehow, now back behind my bedroom door, I'd survived. There would be no more sleeping for our hero this morning. The sweet taste of victory would be the lone reward. Looking ahead to Night 2, it is possible that we may bribe an acquaintance to drop the bomb on Boy 1, letting him know that this is all a bunch of honkybonk, and thus, instantly creating a valuable ally to continue the ruse for Boy 2. It is now clear that the oldest is the mastermind of what will surely be a constant barrage of this sort of subterfuge for the next 24 days. Vol 2:

There will be no threat of disaster tonight. Since yesterday's torment weighed on my mind all day, it would have been nearly impossible to forget my elfly duties this evening. So, there he sits, the little prick. He's made friends with another rather smug trio that has taken up residence in my home (rent-free, I might add.) Yes, nestled snugly between Alvin and Simon, while Theodore's fat ass looks on, in the morning, the kids will find Hermie, appearing to have read the timeless holiday classic, "Santa Comes to Florida" with his rodent buddies. If you haven't read this piece of literature, it's worth at least a passing glance. But I must warn you that it isn't all that accurate. For one, there is no mention of meth or bath salts, even as Santa flies right over Apopka. And two, there isn't a lot of love for Melbourne, which is pretty shameful since such visionaries as Jim Morrison, Darrell Hammond and that guy I went to high school with who ended up in that reality show boy band are among its native sons. Let's not get too sidetracked here. There is still work to be done. I was informed earlier that one of Boy 2's little friends announced that he received a letter from Santa himself this morning, officially putting him on "The Nice List," while, shame on me, all I did was make sure the kids saw the fuckin' elf and got to eat donuts for breakfast., sacrificing sleep, sanity and something else I forgot about because I'm tired and crazy. I guess lil' man used the power of deductive reasoning and, sans Santa letter, convinced himself he was on "The Naughty List," creating a bit of a challenge at bedtime. Dad here, who may or may not have occupied a spot on the unsavory version of the imaginary fat man's lists a time or two over the years, did his best to convince the young buck that he was not on any such document - that things were going just fine - but I'm not sure he bought it. Thanks to utter exhaustion, a self-inflicted derivative of last night's bullshit adventures, sleep came quickly for the littlest Jordan, allowing me time to think of what I might include in the now necessary piece of prose needed to support my earlier claims of his green light toward Christmas presents galore. Ideally, it'd be straightforward: [Hey, kid(s). If you're worried that you might be on the wrong side of Santa's ledger, maybe you weren't as good as you thought you were all year. You ever hear of the NSA? Ever see any of my text messages? Holy shit! Now that's a list you don't want to worry about being on. Anyway... Keep the faith. The truth is, we like you. And you'd probably have to try to stab one or both of us before we'd make sure you didn't get anything at all for Christmas. Love, Dad PS: On Saturday, I want you to sleep until 10 am. Remember: THE LIST!] But traditions are traditions and in this family, as in so many others, we lie like a muthafucka - especially around the holidays! And so, the propaganda continues. Hermie, it will appear, took a break from reading his Florida Santa book to his pals to write a letter to the Jordan kids, detailing how fantastic they've been and urging them to be good listeners and make good choices at least for a few more weeks. (Pretty suspicious - or "ironic," as Alanis Morrisette might deem it - that the stuffed elf, who I think wears makeup, uses the exact same discipline terminology as Mom and Dad do, ain't it? These kids get any smarter any time soon and they'll bust me for sure. And what then?!?) Depending on what time they wake up in the morning, I may have to stage a sacrifice when it comes to the chipmunk population in this home. If we can send positive messages via letters from imaginary people, we can also send negative messages by offing a fake friend or two. And since they haven't seen "Christmas Vacation" just yet, nor do they know for sure that I don't have a Cousin Eddie, they'll have no idea that he stopped eating chipmunks (yeah, yeah, chipmunks and squirrels are different things, I get it) when he found out they were high in cholesterol. Black and white photos should do. I'll use the old Hitchcock chocolate syrup trick. Tomorrow brings the added challenges of that batshit crazy Chick-Fil-A with all the lights, what the food there does to my insides and selecting the 2016 Jordan Family Christmas tree. There will be booze. Two down, 23 to go. Vol 3:

It's clear that my efforts here are drawing something of a crowd, which is much appreciated but not at all the intent. One trusted advisor has even suggested I attempt to profit financially from this record but the truth is simply this: It has to be done. For the betterment of all mankind, our successes and failures with this Johnny-come-lately holiday irritant must be documented. Tonight, I was reminded of a better day that has passed us by. As we decorated our tree, I took some inventory of the many ornaments we've accumulated over the years. Among them, holiday stalwarts like Frosty the Snowman, Santa Claus and The Grinch make their presence known. We also have the typical representation of some of our sports teams (all of whom suck out loud), life milestones ("2006 New Home" is a real joy, since that was two houses, two kids and one lawsuit ago) and the innocence of homemade trinkets featuring the younger versions of Boy 1 and Boy 2, long before they discovered the art of whining. There is also an ornament that is simply a beer glass (right on!) and the disembodied head of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, which I find terrifying. It wasn't so long ago that my biggest holiday concern was making sure that as few of these characters were damaged during tree-trimming time as possible. (Why do they call it "tree-trimming" anyway? When I go to get my hair trimmed, I'm not looking for Akbar the barber to scatter random trinkets about my rapidly-depleting mane.) But as I longed for the days of yore tonight, there it was, right in my face, as if to say, "Not so fast, asshole! The glory days are over, mother fucker!" Hermie - this sonofoabitchofanelf - is also present as an ornament on our tree. Well, shit in my hat. Just as I discovered this mini version of our mini-monster, both boys began to melt down, merely an hour past their regular bedtime, and I was already on my way to a conniption fit myself, three days into the shit and already running out of placement ideas for Elfrey Dahmer. Coincidental timing, my ass! This guy's in my head. Or he's like the alien thing from Stranger Things. If my lights start flickering, I'm setting him on fire and we'll tell the kids he didn't stop, drop or roll because he wasn't a good listener. But at least I'm not in danger of forgetting at the moment. Tomorrow may prove difficult, what with multiple activities involving alcohol already scheduled - after the children's sporting events, as per societal acceptance. I figure if I can make it through a day like that and still move "it" from Point A to Point B, that's a big win for ol' Daddio. His mind powers working on both me and the young'ins tonight jives with my recognizing the cheery-cheeked, red-and-white clad fuzzy thing to be quite clearly a demon in cahoots with Beelzebub himself. So, I've now paired him up with a dragon statue that we have atop our curio cabinet. (Never thought you'd hear me use the term "curio cabinet," did you, old friends? That's right, I'm cultured. Or I've lost all street cred. Not quite sure which distinction to hang onto here.) What's the connection between Hermalerm and the dragon? Well, heroin of course. That's right, kids, the elf didn't just chase the dragon. He caught the damn thing. Which means as I drift off to sleep tonight, I'll be headed for a righteous dream of Hermie sinking through the floor to the sounds of Lou Reed's "Perfect Day," a la Trainspotting. You'll be alright, elf boy, but this one won't be easy. One bucket for urine, one for feces, and one for vomitus. Preparation is key. You're in a new kind of hell for now, fella. See you on the flip. Vol 4:

The voodoo appears to be working. In the last 24 hours, my better half and I have each been caught making mention of "having a talk with Hermie" about this instance of a slight misstep in behavior or that. It's worth pondering what sort of residual effect this may have on the boys (or any kids, really) long-term. Is life truly one observed event after another, with an eye in the sky passing judgment in turn? And let's not get all religious here. I'm seeing this through an Orwellian lens at the moment. If we do slip up, must we live in fear of being told on? I should get out more... Speaking of, having been out quite a bit yesterday, bailing on my "move the elf" responsibility was a distinct possibility but it did not come to pass. Late at night, headache looming, our favorite holiday hobo was relocated from the dragon's back to a high perch overlooking the entrance to Boy 1's room. It's a creepy spot for sure. Like, if you were to walk out of your bedroom and find a person situated the way Hermie is at the moment, laying on his belly, chin resting on his hands, smiling like a whackjob, cheeks as rosy as ever, you'd definitely call the cops. Or shoot him. Or both. The creative maneuvers are lacking for yours truly this year - although I guess mounting the dragon was pretty cool. That's ok, though. My goal is simply to survive this month with as few mid-sleep panic attacks as possible. Started off 1-for-1 but we have a clean slate since, so I'll call it a win so far. Perhaps tonight, we'll set the elf up with a lady or something - freak Carrie out a little, if nothing else. The boys have been warned - née, reminded - that no one is supposed to be up and moving about until at least 7 am in this house (great rule, hardly ever followed) and they seem pretty beat from a long weekend so there might be hope for a more restful slumber. If not, maybe it's time for the elf to get shelved for a day or two, go visit Santa (or Satan?) or something. That'll get these tired kids back on track. Tired kids are like drunk adults, by the way. But that's a story for a different setting. 21 days to go. Zeus help me. Vol 5:

There has been no shortage of remarkable moments in our adventures with the red devil of late. Boy 1, in an apparent attempt to extort his elf friend, left him a tangerine on Monday, after finding him purportedly reading through one of Mom's cupcake cookbooks. Perhaps he was being proactive, in the event that the elf delivers cupcakes as he did donuts on opening day of this annual charade. A simple, "Hey, man. I gave you a tangerine. Whatchyougot for me?" Or maybe he's overheard dear ol' Dad opine on the corruption of politics, in general. Either way, Boy 2 was not pleased. The littlest Jordan, you see, has developed an affinity for these tangerines and while he is almost always quite willing to share his snacks, such was not the case here, as he relocated Boy 1's offering back to its original box. This incensed the elder sibling and the back-and-forth game from tangerine box to offering table began. I should note that the boys are still suffering from Christmasitis - the plague that renders otherwise lovable little humans into demon beings, drunk on exhaustion, impulsive and exhibiting a bravado unbecoming of their age or social status. Now off to school, Mom stepped in with a solution, staging a scene where the elf appeared to have eaten the tangerine in question, abandoning his cookbook perch in favor of a seated position at a makeshift snack area and leaving scraps behind, along with a note that read, "Thanks for the tangerine! I'll only eat one!" (It is also likely that a smiley face was included but I cannot confirm with any certainty, having destroyed this document, and thus, in the name of accuracy and out of respect for journalism, it is omitted here.) This was, largely, an intelligent counter tactic by my female counterpart and while its intended result - assuaging the pending civil war betwixt brothers with a reasonable compromise - was achieved, ultimately, the strategy lacked the necessary foresight to continue the mind games without needling questions from the youngsters. Of utmost importance: "Wait... You moved him?" Crickets. "No, kid," I thought to myself - but dared not say aloud. "He moved himself, of course!" But, of course, this was not supposed to be a part of the pestilent pixie's skillset! For his meandering about is only supposed to take place at night, according to the owner's manual! Far be it from Mom to not have her next move planned, however, and as I stood stock still, considering a swift exit strategy (were the neighbors home? Could a friend pick me up? Where is my rocketpack?) as if beamed in by the projector of Orson Welles himself, the holiday classic "Home Alone" was suddenly on the living room television and Mom's invite for cuddle time was accepted by both young Jordans. Crisis averted, once more. In the time since, the attitudes of drunken demon children 1 and 2 have worsened. Boy 1 resisted piano practice and was not permitted to walk the neighborhood to look at Christmas lights in turn, then admittedly plotted revenge on yours truly, attempting to stave off bedtime as long as possible by prancing about the house, giggling and speaking in tongues. And Boy 2 ignored my orders to disarm, wielding his light saber freely about the living room as though I wasn't even there. With Mom on a run (and not 100% sure she was coming back) I engaged hand-to-hand, demilitarizing my target and receiving his "Mad Dog" glare for my troubles. In fairness, Boy 2 pulled it together enough to join me on the aforementioned Christmas walk, where he graciously educated me on the difference between frogs and what he calls "toadfrogs," (apparently this has everything to do with their tongues - who knew?) and I shared with him my disdain for projector lights. Nonetheless, the net result of Sunday/Monday called for a sabbatical for the nefarious imp creature, who has, as far as the boys know, "gone to visit Santa for a day or two," according to my - no, his! - note. Improvements are expected in short order but just in case, the vodka supply has been restocked. I now count 19 days, which looks far less daunting than 20. Still, my sleep pattern has been erratic. We'll call that 20% problem drinking, 60% guilt from blatantly lying to one's offspring and 20% New York Jets football. With apologies to my parents and, more importantly, to Mark Twain, I haven't told the truth, out of necessity, thanks to you-know-who, and now I can't remember anything.

Vol 6:

Tensions have subsided. The elf was brought back after the exhibition of acceptable behavior on the part of both boys on Tuesday night. 1 did a fine job at his school Christmas concert, while 2 gave a great effort at soccer practice. (It is also important to note that Dad scored a goal in an impromptu coaches/kids mixed scrimmage. That this feat was accomplished against 6- and 7-year-olds matters not.) More importantly, bedtime was without incident on the evening in question. Why that is ever an issue is still beyond me but never has a more relatable tale been told than that of "Go the Fuck to Sleep," by Samuel L. Jackson a few years back. (Well, maybe it isn't exactly the written work of Jules Winnfield himself but I'd like to think it is, as no one could possibly ever recite it better.) Boy 1 is a fan of the every-excuse-in-the-book technique (from pooping to asking questions to feigning injury to everyone taking turns laying with him, telling stories, needing water, etc.) while Boy 2 is more straightforward with his thoughts on sleep overall. Namely, he says he never sleeps. He just relaxes. While I know this isn't completely true, having witnessed him sleeping myself on thousands of occasions, there is something a little vampiresque about the littlest Jordan, who is almost always the first to arise in the morning, often long before the sun. Today, in fact, I awoke to a noise and thinking it was either intruders (that I would have to exterminate, obviously) or my youngest son dicking around (slightly more likely) I promptly began a seek-and-destroy (or G the F to S) mission. The latter scenario proved to be reality, as there he sat, hiding behind his bathroom door, sitting on the floor with the light on, cuddling with his blanket. I don't know either, people, but hey... We all have hobbies... The return of Hellboy Hermie, fresh from his visit with Santa, Satan or Sam Kinison - can't recall which and perhaps it was all - featured him choking out one of the boys' forgotten bath toys, a gator. In this house, that visual brings more joy than the hair of the dog cure-all on a Jordan Family Christmas morning. (Well, almost.) As we enjoy this new era of peace, recognizing that it may be a brief interlude, I'm appreciative of the pause its given me, for the war against the imaginary (?) black magic of this shitbag of a Christmas toy is rather taxing. 17 days. #tylenol Vol 7:

This tradition begets strange bedfellows. Hermie the Elf, who is destined to be renamed Beelzebub, I assure you, commandeered a ship belonging to Jake and the Neverland Pirates last night, along with John Cena and Sleepy (of Seven Dwarfs fame.) Oh, if this were only real, what an adventure they may have had overnight. Sleepy, groggy to the point of hallucination, no doubt, likely from a mixture of NyQuil, booze and some medicinal herb (since we can do that here now!) wouldn’t have been much help to his shipmates. The elf, in his Luciferian glory, perched atop the crow’s nest, would attempt to serve as captain, I would think, causing immediate conflict with Cena, the jorts-wearing, self-important hero, who nobody above the age of 12 really likes. (I’m told he was actually at a local bar I’ve been to a time or 200 a couple of weeks ago. Think I could take him?) They’d square off at some point to determine the alpha male and I’d have to give that decision to the only being on this ship with supernatural, other-worldly powers. “You can’t see me,” John? Well, that’s fine. Hermie doesn’t need to see you to breathe demon fire into your soul. And they'd land at their final destination knowing that the little red-faced asshole with the pointy hat was absolutely in charge. The destination was our TV stand, by the way, because I didn't feel like thinking anymore - or leaving the ship somewhere it might easily fall, ruining everything for everyone. (Or saving them?) The children seemed to approve of this newly established faction, upon this morning's discovery, and I suppose that’s what it’s all about. Unfortunately, it’s also proven to be all about my own sick mind, full of delusions and unfulfilled desires belonging to my inner child. Back in my day, all we had was the mystique of Santa Claus himself – and thanks to friends, Sean and Tina, that gig was up for me at around eight. (Eight! That’s Boy 1’s age now. Well, balls... Getting old indeed.) I believe the big reveal upset me for a few minutes but already conditioned toward materialism (thanks, America!) I reasoned that, hell, I’d still be getting presents, so I don’t think I really cared whether they came from Mom, Dad, Uncle Charlie (who I’m pretty sure once stole a trampoline before gifting it to me) or an old, fat stranger in a furry red suit who likes to have little children sit in his lap. I was skeptical – maybe my friends lied to me. After all, this was the same brother/sister combo that once had me convinced that the oil I spotted floating atop the drink they’d made for me was perfectly normal for “Swedish chocolate milk.” (Looking back, the accompanying smell of vinegar should have been a dead giveaway. Tasted like shit but I’m sure it built character. Appreciate that, S&T!) But alas, as I gave my dad a goodnight hug on Christmas Eve, 1987, there sat the Nintendo I’d be receiving the next morning, in his closet behind him. When I found it, unwrapped, as was Santa’s style, at the foot of the tree, the bullshit meter exploded but I wouldn’t let it get me down. Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out and Super Mario Brothers (and Duck Hunt, if only so we'd all learn about tagalongs at an early age) awaited! I was smart enough to know that I didn’t want to deal with upsetting my mom so I didn’t let on that I knew that Santa was Keyzer Soze (or Verbal Kint? Sometimes my metaphors don’t work.) I think I hid that from her for at least two years. Point is, I guess I fear these kids of mine finding out we’re all the masterminds behind some pretty serious fabrications. What sort of example does that set? But mostly, it’s about the growing-up-too-fast thing. I mean, fuck. I’m 37, somehow. Oh and the other point is, how did we allow this elf thing to get so popular? We had friggin' Santa already! And wasn’t one lie enough? I’m tired. 16 days.

Vol 8:

Turnabout is fair play. Boy 2 had something of a rough day yesterday, although not in the sense that his behavior was unacceptable. With the added pressure of a snitch like the elf-demon watching over you at all times, I'm sure being a 6-year-old isn't as easy as it could be at this time of year so, when the boy wonder seemed exceptionally emotional, I should have known to chalk it up to just that. After eight straight days of "being on 'Good Citizen'" at school, the littlest Jordan was proud to announce that he had recorded No. 9 in a row. How about that? My own little Cal Ripken-type thing. But after dinner, the tiny tough guy started showing his sensitive side (a trait shared by his father - but don't tell anyone.) Seeking either a goalkeeper for his soccer game, an opponent in marbles or a playmate of any sort, he solicited the services of all of Boy 1, myself and the lady of the house, though we all politely declined, citing a collective desire to relax and/or consume the programming of WWE Network before bedtime. (The latter, of course, forced upon Mrs. Jordan, although I think she enjoys it at least a little, though she would never, ever admit as much.) His emotions played out with faulty reasoning - "No one likes me!" - and harsh accusations - "I don't have a nice family!" and "Nobody is being my friend!" My explanation was simple; that declining an invitation to any particular activity does not automatically disqualify one from being another's friend, since free will is an important quality and, if I asked a friend of mine to eat dog poop with me, their lack of participation would not stand in the way of my assessment of their loyalty toward me. But Boy 2 was not having any of this and in a brief fit of rage, he roared at me, "You better watch your attitude, Mister, or I'm telling Hermie!" Oh, did I laugh! But he did not appreciate that either and retired to his room. Confession time came quickly. As I laid with him to coax him to sleep - the sleep that, remember, he swears he never gets in favor of only "relaxing" - he exclaimed, "I'm a bad boy!" and began crying immediately. At first, he would not tell me why he had come to this conclusion but after some leveling with him in the form of a promise not to get mad, he told me he had lied and that he had not, in fact, achieved a ninth straight day of school-bestowed "good citizenship." Instead, he was stuck on "Ready to Learn," which is quite fine in this house, although anything less will need to be addressed. I blamed the elf. For the boy was convinced that he needed to be stellar each and every day without fail, whereas on most days, outside of this window of watching from on high (and by on high, I mean somewhere high enough so as not to tempt the "illegal" touching) he, like his father, would be just fine in the realm of acceptable mediocrity. Never again will I utter the words, "I'm telling Hermie." At this point, 1) I hate the name. The kids named him, after that failure of an elf from the original Rudolph special, now a dentist, or so we're told. (Probably one of those creepy dentists, I'd say. You know, the kind that gasses his female patients and plays peekaboo and stuff?) 2) The kids know the (completely fabricated) score. I will not add to this charade more than I already have. And I will not go gentle into this good night. The company Christmas party awaits and I've got some tomfoolery in which to partake. Still tired. 15 days.

Vol 9 and 10:

They sell both volumes of Kill Bill together now, as I understand it, so I’m allowed to drop a double dose of Elfdom if I want to. (This will be of no additional length, mind you, but we’ll call it two volumes nonetheless.) The uptick in emotion from Friday still fresh in my mind, the idea this weekend was to restore the spirits of Boy 1 and Boy 2 (and mostly the latter) and the elf, for all his faults, appears to be adept at aiding that, so long as the pressure he brings is tempered. I’d like to think that the littlest Jordan is less concerned, having had some weekend time, about trying to be “Good Citizen” levels of perfect than he was during our last volume. Saturday morning, Elfenstein, which is one of many names I am considering for a possible rebranding, took a ringside seat next to Boy 1’s toy wrestling ring, watching what was staged as a battle royal between all of his favorite toy wrestlers. Adorning the garb of a particular favorite, Samoa Joe, along with the NXT championship belt, he sat, smiling his usual satanic smile, as if to say that he was some sort of champion himself. You are not, sir, by any stretch. Let me make that clear. But, they enjoy your company, again, despite your many shortcomings. The wrestling set-up reminded me, however, that I would enjoy squaring off against you, were you of an acceptable size to do so, and perhaps if I can find someone of a similar appearance in human form, elbows will drop (and he shall fall.) Of course, then, I’d likely be arrested and/or sued but hey, that’s the cost of doing business, I suppose. This scene, like so many others featuring you-know-who, turned out to be less than perfect, largely because I set him up too low to the ground to be completely ignored or out-of-reach, but this turned out to be a positive step for the children, who resisted the temptation to move him themselves and asked for assistance when he flopped over at one point. Boy 1 wanted the championship belt the evil elf had been wearing, you see, and I was happy to strip it from him, since he did not deserve such an accolade by any means. Boy 2, it should be noted, held back his elfly interactions on Saturday. Maybe he was trying to determine just how emotionally invested in this thing he really should be. Saturday evening brought forth the annual company Christmas party and since the lady and I do not often stay out past 11 pm, let alone 2 am, anymore, it is no wonder that the Hermie the Hack almost did not get moved that night. Of course, I had every intention, and though my return home (thanks, Uber!) involved a certain level of whiskey breath as I spoke directly with my mother-in-law about plans for said move, in the fleeting seconds following that conversation, I forgot completely, probably focused on the pillows calling my name just a few feet away. Ever-clutch, Gran chipped in and relocated the impetuous imp, placing his (fake) happy little ass in the middle of a wreath on the door to the laundry room. Last night, as I stared at him, I honestly thought to myself, “You know, elf, you look like a real asshole sitting there smiling at me with your hands folded. I’d like to spear you with one of the skewers I use to make kebobs from time to time. Or drop you into a vat of bleach. Or something... Keep looking at me like that! Go ahead!” He was just lucky that there was no whiskey for a second consecutive evening. Of course, there can be no whiskey on consecutive evenings for yours truly anymore. Such is the penance that comes with age. Well, that and a vile attitude toward all things festive, it seems. Or at least all things purportedly festive that are nothing more than some sort of fabric, a little plastic and stuffed with cotton (or is it demon fiber?) 13 days. Unlucky 13, the elf might say, but we’ll see how lucky he is when I practice punting him later on today...

Vol 11:

The easy way seems like the right move at the moment. From one stocking (with Spider-Man) to another (with Ultron) - specifically recognizing each boy's individual preference for good guys vs. bad guys, we've killed two days and two potentially grief-inducing moments. But hark! There are three more stockings! That could very well be three more days. Lady Jordan would love to see the imp intruder in her stocking, along with, say, vodka? Yeah, she likes vodka. And Superdog would dig it if he were to show up in hers next to, ah yes! Something she always begs me for - leftover pizza! Perfect! As for me, well, this isn't really about me but if I'm to tend to this shithead as much as I do, why not treat myself and set the stage for him to gift me some Johnny Walker Blue? Mmmmm. We're already down to 12 days and if I can pull this off, we're into the single digits with plenty of creativity left in the reserve tank. Note to self: Boy 1 is looking more and more suspicious by the day. He is wise indeed. Perhaps it is time to distract him with fear and confusion. Would he believe the Russians hacked his elementary school, forcing an uptick in homework? That seems to be a popular play these days and it just might work. Operation: Borscht shall commence in the am. And looky, looky! It's now midnight! 11 days, just like that! We can do this. Ohhhhh, yes. We shall overcome.

Vol 12:

Rats once spread the Bubonic Plague. Prince Prospero's hubris allowed the Red Death to infiltrate his castellated abbeys, according to E.A. Poe. And I say these little elves carry their own special pandemic - a yuletide malady that flips the universe onto its head and turns otherwise relatively well-behaved children into distracted, exhausted malcontents, spewing tidings of discomfort and misery on adults the world over. It makes no sense. At a time when conventional wisdom would dictate that they walk the straight and narrow like never before, the little ones have truly gone mad. Under the watchful eye of the hellion in the red hat, I always expect that Boy 1 and Boy 2 would adopt model citizenship - and for small spurts, they do. For instance, Boy 1's cleaning dog poop from the backyard last Sunday was completely out of character and Boy 2's strong run of eight consecutive "good citizen" statuses (already chronicled in a previous volume, as well as his subsequent fall from grace) was quite a feat! (Suddenly, I'm reminded that I did not ask for details on the dog doo cleaning duty - nor can I say for sure if they showered that night... Nonetheless, the past is the past.) But these exceptions have not become the rule. instead... It took 47 utterances of the elder Jordan child's name tonight just to get him to come to the table to do his homework, when normally, it would only take 3-5. And that was just the beginning of the battle. "Math with Mom" may sound like a fun game show of sorts but in reality, it's quite torturous. Eating dinner in short order once that was finally complete, a necessary rush on an evening when baseball practice beckons, drew moans and whines and pouts and eventually, claims of complete disinterest in our national pastime - a sin, certainly, but more importantly, a lie, as proven instantly upon arriving at the field, where free-spirited fun commenced. (I noticed there, too, that it is not just my own children who have figuratively tooted the Christmas cocaine of late. Everyone's offspring is mental at the moment, it appears. We're all in this together, people.) As for Boy 2, well, that run of eight straight school days by which he was judged all chivalrous and what not has been followed by quite the struggle. Warnings and consequences and nastygrams from the teacher are the new trend. (Note to Teacher: I feel ya, girl. I mean, I ain't never did kindergarten and shit but I did teach at muthafuckin' Hillsborough High School for a hot minute. And you trippin' if you think students clownin' in December is only for the jits. Teenage fools be whack AF.) But we have reached the magic number of 10 and with that, I see the light. Alas, I am stupid enough to crank this sonofabitch waaaaaaaaaay past 10 on the Holly-Jolly-Christmas-o-Meter tomorrow night, as we venture to what some might call the happiest place on Earth (whereas I call it, "Whythehellcan'twedrinkhereagainland") for Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party. We'll see how very merry it is this time, kids. Just keep up the shenanigans and maybe I'll tell you the story of the crazy Christmas kid who got left with the elephants on the Jungle Cruise back in 1984. Look for him, Reggie, I think... Yeah, he's in there, somewhere. Keep looking... Ah, but that's tomorrow night... Tonight, I'll resist the urge to send the elf into the garbage can, no matter how easy to pull off the narrative of "Hey, kids. Yeah, sorry... He must have really wanted that last piece of chocolate," might be. Single digits are afoot!

Vol 13:

As if Christmas madness wasn't already enough to make even the most level-headed parents consider sending their normally well-adjusted children to some sort of juvenile rehab, we went and introduced the idea of this all-powerful elf and sent things into hyperdrive. And then you have idiots like myself, who facilitate the special kind of speedball that is Christmas and Disney World to launch the youngsters into a stratosphere of holiday intoxication that would appeal to Belushi- and Farley-types the world over. I've spent enough time at the House of Mouse in the last seven years or so to know that on any random Tuesday, you can do some serious people-watching but on a designated Friday night in December, at something they jam down your throat as a "Very Merry" Christmas party, young bucks and grandmas alike are off the rails right from the jump. It's marketing, I get it, but shouldn't it be up to me to decide how to describe the levels of joy and/or merriment I get from a party to which I'm invited (and certainly one I've paid for?) I'm not going to throw a pool party in a couple of months, invite a bunch of you people, and call it "Jon's Super Enjoyable and Relaxing Pool Party." I might assist in the temporary adjustments of your dopamine and serotonin levels as best I can but I'll leave it up to you to determine what sort of accolades you bestow upon my event. Anyway, free from the eyes of the elf (theoretically, anyway) the children were a bit wild on the journey to WDW but I've found that any car ride longer than 20 minutes or so has the potential to become the clearest manifestation of their best friends/worst enemies style of relationship at this phase of their lives. One minute, they're sharing books and the next, someone's finger is in someone else's eye. I tried my best to sing Christmas songs to myself (no, really, I do try to get into it here and there) but my soul-soothing would have to come in the form of a bunch of junk food at the park and a ride or two. The kids had free reign to try and off each other in the interim. As evenings go, one could really do far worse, honestly. As I've said a million times, it would be tremendous if adults could wander around the Magic Kingdom with a beer but I get it. It's a kids' park. And I suppose that isn't appropriate EVERYWHERE, after all. Plus, there are fleeting moments on these nights that we just aren't going to get anywhere else - like Boy 2 cuddling with his mom or Boy 1 beaming from the front row of a parade route or both of them, giggling with laughter (and maybe a little hint of fear) as we whirl around on some roller coaster or other. Those are sights and sounds I'm tattooing into my brain for sure. But by the time it's all over, we have reached full-fledged juvenile Christmas drunkenness, where, just like your overserved adult friend, conversations ramble on making very little sense, emotions are high and the expression of as much can go from "I love yous" to crying in an instant. There is slurring, overindulgence on late night snacks and then, ultimately, they just pass out. And while one big difference between your friend, Drunky the Bear, and your overtired, cranky Christmas kid is that you usually don't have to worry about the latter throwing up, another is that you can't just leave them where they fall out. So, in my case, you're forced to scoop and carry the now 70-ish pound, increasingly long 8-year-old for miles into boats and trams and finally to the car. While waiting for said tram, I surveyed my surrounding area and confirmed my suspicions that, yes, out of the 500 or so people I could see in my immediate vicinity, Boy 1 was definitely the biggest human sleeping in another human’s arms at that point. But again... Special moments, I suppose, if I'm being honest. (And honestly, between that and multiple shoulder hoistings throughout the evening, holy shit is my back messed up! Thanks again, lady who rear-ended me a few years back to kickstart that now-lifelong pleasantry.) As for the elf, the vile, heinous, intrusive being that he is, he's joined forces with an Angry Bird and Sven from Frozen, and has taken up residence in the boys' bathroom - which is definitely a little weird and creepy, now that I re-think my most recent placement strategy but hey, can't touch him again until tomorrow now. And besides, weird and creepy suits him just fine. ONE WEEK.

Vol 14:

Creativity has ceased. There are no more ideas. The focus has shifted, solely, to survival. Christmas intoxication has run amok and both children are perpetually drunk in turn. I have not yet found the proper means to detox them, although I believe, once that bag of chocolate-covered pretzels was stolen and consumed, only time was to be my ally. Boy 2 turned emotional once more last night, expressing his desire to "go home." Since he was sitting in his bed as he proclaimed this, a deeper inquiry revealed that he wanted to go back to our old house, which we left roughly 18 months ago, because he missed his friends. Total bullhonk, of course, since he couldn't identify a single "friend" by name, other than the old neighbor's dog, aptly named Jordan, which weakens his argument even further. Boy 1 arose at 6 am today, reportedly uttering some nonsense about starting a band. (I cannot confirm this directly, as I was in the midst of a dream starring myself, Wolf Blitzer and Jennifer Lawrence, all scouring the planet for "the lost relics." But the reporting of my wife person is to be trusted, more often than not.) His level of Yuletide inebriation has manifested itself in a phenomenon known as "Low Eyes Syndrome" and whether you choose to admit it or not, you've all been there. Just look through photos in which you've been tagged by others - specifically anything after midnight, at weddings or taken by your most obnoxious friends. On the positive side, we've reached the 5-day mark and are just two days shy of relocating this clan to the other coast, where the grandparent folks can assist in keeping us all alive. The inherent danger of said grandparent folks inadvertently contributing to Christmas chaos matters not, for there is strength in numbers and reinforcements at this point are sorely needed. The elf is spooning with a San Francisco 49ers Christmas ornament today and I think I will say no more to that end. "Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell!" - Clark W. Griswold, Jr.

Vol 15:

The day is nigh. The elf has been bagged in preparation for the cross-state trek. Part of me wanted that to happen legit abduction-style - little potato sack thrown over his head, a swat of a tiny baseball bat to the dome... A garrote, probably, would have been overkill but I wouldn't have ruled it out. Anyway, he's MIA - and of course, that means we'll have to lie to the children once more as to why he's disappeared. "I don't know, kids. I walked around the corner and he just wasn't there anymore!" Then, tomorrow morning when he shows up at La Casa de Jordan 1.0, I'll be ogling Boy 1 to see if there is any further hint of suspicion in his eye. Surely, Boy 2 will wake up some time between 3 and 5 am tomorrow as the excitement percolates. (I will not.) There will be no attempts to peer deeply into his eyes, mostly out of fear that they've turned black by now, undoubtedly the evildoing of you-know-who. The good news is that I believe all is reparable, once he is gone for good - or at least until next year. In my experience, Christmasitis usually takes a couple of weeks to fade away and then some semblance of normalcy returns. This year, I'm hoping that comes with a newfound affinity for sleeping in. I was never very good at that as a young kid and didn't master it until college, really - an achievement aided at that time by, well, let's just call them PEDs. But I know it is possible for even an 8-year-old to sleep until 9, 10 or 11, even, because I saw my pal Jeremy do it with my own eyes. Sleeping over at his house was great the night before amidst our usual hijinks but I could only describe the following mornings as, uh, educational, as in I seized the opportunity to read every single book on his bookshelf and watch every movie he owned, killing time until he finally woke up. (What the hell were my parents doing anyway, that they couldn't pick me up early, as I often asked? Actually... Don't answer that.) So, again, the hope is that Boy 1 takes after Uncle Berm and learns to hibernate (at least a little.) There is no hope for the other one to that end. He continues to remind us that he never sleeps and only relaxes. "Sometimes," he says, "I don't mean to but I accidentally go to sleep automatically." Clearly, he isn't to be trusted with this intentionally perplexing narrative of his but I believe he has convinced himself that it is all true. That, in and of itself, surely leads to the unique circadian rhythm he's adopted. He sure is cute, though. I imagine that'll keep earning him a pass, no matter how many times he fires a soccer ball directly into my nether regions. Perhaps only one or two more entries into these chronicles shall be necessary from this point forward. I should say that I'm pleased with the response so far, as it seems most of the free world can relate in one way or another, but the goal from the beginning was simply to document the daily deeds of our ignominious, inanimate, annual invader and their impact on our everyday lives. Plus, if I should meet my demise during his stay, surely this will aid law enforcement officials. As far as that goes, one only needs to buy one vowel to solve this puzzle, and that is the "E" to kick off "E.L.F." You see, although we are still in the pre-Christmas phase of my intensive study, I have learned enough to commit to the conclusion that it is indeed an acronym, standing for Evil Little Fucker, as some of you may have already ascertained. It is but one piece but a vital one indeed. I've got you now, you hellion. It is only a matter of time. Deportation is but three days away!

Vol 16:

He is everywhere and he takes on many forms. The shape-shifting shithead has obviously meandered about my home for weeks but also invaded my tree, in the form of a Christmas ornament, and now, as I've taken up temporary residence at my parents' house, he is present as a children's nightlight in the bathroom, staring, peering, judging as people partake in their most private and personal moments. He truly is a sick sonofabitch. He is also in my brain at this point, as evidenced by the masterful mindfuck he pulled on me on Thursday evening. I am a man of many talents but perhaps my most important task as the husband, father and clearly established second-in-command of our family is to handle all packing duties for out-of-town adventures. At Christmastime, this can get tricky, what with an overabundance of presents to account for, in addition to our regular haul. But, always up to the challenge, I gathered up all of the important items and successfully played the game of Tetris that is fitting all of them into the dadmobile, née Honda Pilot. All of them, you see, except for my own suitcase, left perfectly packed and wide open on my bedroom floor, only to be revealed at the most impactful moment from a psychological perspective, as we crossed the Brevard County line, all according to "Its" diabolical plan. I have no clothes. I have no toiletries. As a broken man at this point, I also have no soul. And now I seek redemption. A Christmas angel has aided my efforts to thwart this hostile takeover and my suitcase has been successfully recovered, here, two days later, so brushing my teeth and replacing the loin cloth I've adopted in the interim is but hours away. But the damage has been done. The little fucker has clearly won a round. His reign of terror ends for the season after tomorrow but does that give me time to recover my soul before he is banished once more? Clearly, his excommunication is more important than my return to human form so if sacrifice is required, I must remain committed to the cause. In the event of Christmas catastrophe, I offer warmest regards and eternal gratitude to all that have followed these chronicles. As I forge forward, know that I am acting not on my own behalf but for all that is good in this world. The final showdown is nearly upon us and with any luck - and the guidance of Lord Zeus, Ra the sun god, sweet baby Jesus, John Cougar, John Deere and John 3:16 - when it's all said and done, I aim to look the elf straight in the eye and tell him what a cheap, lying, no good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

Vol 17:

It is all over. Since I am writing this, it needs not be clarified that the side of righteousness prevailed in the end but this was not always a foregone conclusion. The red devil was a formidable foe and I can say with near-certainty that we will do battle at least once more, as Boy 1 and Boy 2 will probably still be buying what he's selling. It cannot go undocumented that Hermie took one last pound of flesh as he exited, to the tune of me waking up in a panic at 5 am to remove him from sight and complete this festive ruse. Just as he had on Day 1 this year, he ruined my slumber and that cheeky little smile stretched ever so slightly. It did feel good, under the cover of darkness, to jam the little prick into my suitcase pocket and zip it up. I hope it's hot in your own personal hell, you heathen. And now, we pick up the pieces. I am in need of repair, inside and out. Tired, tattered, full of torment... But mostly tired. Is there no vacation from Christmas vacation? It's become clear to me that, despite my ultimate victory, this experience will haunt me for years to come. And in ensuing years, likely, it will be worse. So, when is a win actually a loss? Perhaps it is now. Perhaps it is more than just a pound of flesh the evil elf has taken with him. There is, it turns out, slight discomfort in my liver area, you see. That's either from the traditional holiday excess or, if you believe the ancient Navajo legend, that's where the soul is located and clearly, mine is gone. Back to our happy little lives? Sure - I can play that game. It is a beautiful existence. But he has broken me indeed. "And Darkness and Decay and The Red Death held illimitable dominion over all."

[helloelizabethsmithposts]

THE GLORY OF GODHEAD-YAHWEH&YESHUA[MIRACULOUS POWER FREED THE UNIQUE ONE[ELIZABETH L.SMITH CONSECRATED TO GOD'S LIGHT]

Ni Ha Ma, Ohayo, Annyeong Haseyo, Or Goodmorning Everyone Regional, THANK GODHEAD THAT THIS IS THE DAY, THAT THE LORD HAS MADE WE WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT!!!! MATTHEW 4[THE WHOLE CHAPTER, BUT ALSO THESE 2 VERY INTERESTING VERSE'S=10.) THEN SAID JESUS UNTO HIM, GET THEE HENCE, SATAN: FOR IT IS WRITTEN, YOU SHALL WORSHIP THE LORD YOUR GOD, AND HIM ONLY SHALL YOU SERVE. 17.) FROM THAT TIME JESUS BEGAN TO PREACH, AND TO SAY, REPENT: FOR THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN IS AT HAND.] OH MY KING OF GLORY, THESE PEOPLE REALLY CHOSE TO IGNORE YOUR VERY WORDS ALL OF THESE YEARS, IT'S CLEARLY SHOWN IN LIFE THESE DAYS!!! WOE UNTO YOU BABYLONIANS, ALL OVER THE WORLD WHO THINK YOU WILL GET NEAR HEAVEN BY BECOMING 1 IN DARKNESS, NO NOT NEVER AGAIN WE DECLARED AN ELEMENTAL STRIKE ON Y'ALL OF SATAN CHILDREN IN THIS WORLD AND UNDER THE EARTH!!! YOU ALL QUOTE THE HOLY BIBLE KNOWING YOUR HEARTS ARE FAR FROM HIM(LORD JESUS CHRIST THE ANOINTED ONE)!!!! YO YOU MARK CORRELL FROM LONG AGO, GODHEAD [ELOHIM TOLD ME, YOU ALL[YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE FAMILY WHERE SENTENCED DIRECTLY TO HELL, FOR BRINGING THAT CASKET INTO THE PULPIT.] WHILE YOU ALL PLOTTED ON MY CREW, THINKING JUST BECAUSE I WAS IN THE NURSERY AT THE TIME, I WAS VERY AWARE OF THE UNDERHAND TRICK AND TREAT,Y'ALL BLACK ASS DID BACK THEN!!!! I JUST LAUGHED AND TOLD MY HEAVENLY FATHER GOD ADONAI, THEY BETTER NOT, CAUSE IF Y'ALL ASS GOT CAUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE FIRE, AND ALL OF THE OTHER GLORIOUS ELEMENTS UP AND DOWN Y'ALL TO FRO ASS!!!! AND ANOTHER THING I KNOW ABOUT ALL THIS CRAP TRAP THE WICKED HAS BEEN DOING THESE YEARS, ALONG WITH THE CHICKENS IN HIDING(RIGHTEOUS CHILDREN SCARED OF A MAN & THING, NOT FEARING GODHEAD WILL COST YOU ALL YOUR VERY SOUL'S!!!) IT'S TRUE I'M NOT LIKE MY CREW WHO BELIEVED Y'ALL, LIES OF SAYING I LOVE YOU, BUT I DO RESEMBLE THEM IN EVERYTHING BECAUSE OUR HEARTS WILL ALWAYS BE THE SAME IN LIVING ONLY AND TRULY IN RIGHTEOUSNESS FOREVERMORE WITH ONENESS IN GODHEAD [YAHWEH &YESHUA TOGETHER AND FOR ALL ETERNITY]. ALL OF THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN GLORIOUS CREW, SEE TO THIS ONE PACIFIC REQUEST, MAKE SURE NO ONE TAKES CREDIT FOR BOAZ AND MY REAL STORY, ALSO THESE WAYS GODHEAD HAS BLESSED ME TO TEACH PEOPLE WORLDWIDE IN A UNIQUE WAY, OF ANCIENT OF DAYS LOVE FOR MANKIND THROUGH OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST ALPHA AND OMEGA THE BEGINNING AND THE ENDING. NO ONE ON EARTH IS TO CLAIM WHAT WE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN PEOPLE DO, AND CREATE JUST TO GLORIFY GODHEAD THE TRINITY IN EVERYTHING!!! OUR INVENTIONS WILL RETURN BACK TO US, AND EVERYTHING ELSE THAT'S OURS TOO, YOU WICKED BASTARDS LIKE BOBBY BROWN AND THAT BOYFRIEND OF WHITNEY ELIZABETH HOUSTON DAUGHTER, MY FATHER GOD TOLD ME YOU MURDER MY SISTER IN THE WATER, AND THE DAUGHTER THE BOYFRIEND DID IT TO HER... THESE THINGS WAS NEVER A MYSTERY CASE, BUT THE VERY CRIMES YOU ALL HIDE BY HAVING MONEY, TO SILENCE THE CRIMINAL ACTIVITY YOU ALL DID THROUGH THE YEARS!!!! OH MY ABEOJI MY FATHER GOD, WHOOPS I'M TELLING ON ALL OF THE SNEAKY DUMBASS BASTARDS AGAIN, JUST FOR YOU MY KING OF GLORY!!!! GENESIS 1 & MATTHEW 10[ THIS PRAISE THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY CREATOR OF HEAVEN AND THE EARTH WILL REVEAL THE GRACE, MERCY,TRUTH,AND LOVE THROUGH OUR MIGHTY KING OF GLORY[ALPHA AND OMEGA YESHUA-LORD JESUS CHRIST]. IT WAS WRONG OF THESE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD TO PLOT, ON YOUR VERY ANOINTED PEOPLE WHO REALLY LIVED IN RIGHTEOUSNESS, NO MATTER WHERE, AND WHO THEY CAME IN CONTACT WITH THEY REPRESENTED YOU, JUST THE WAY YOU CREATED THEM TOO!!! OH TO OUR, VERY, VERY,VERY, AND VERY BELOVED,PRECIOUS, BEAUTIFUL, AND LOVELY HEARTS CREW IN HEAVEN WITH FATHER GOD NEM, WE TRULY THANK GODHEAD FOR THE TIMES WE SPENT AND SHARED TOGETHER, WE CHERISHED AND TREASURED THOSE MOMENTS BECAUSE WE TRULY LOVED Y'ALL JUST THE YOU ALL WHERE, AND NOT FOR MONEY OR OTHER THINGS, BUT BECAUSE WE ALL WHERE ONE OF THE SAME... I ADMIT, WHEN I WAS THAT LITTLE I TRULY DISCERNED EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYONE, THAT GODHEAD HAD TO CALL ME GETTING MY ATTENTION QUICKLY, BECAUSE MY ANGER BACK THEN WAS OUT OF CONTROL, AFTER MY TWINS LEFT ME HERE ON EARTH!!!! GODHEAD [THE TRINITY TRUE CHILDREN, THEIR IS NOTHING CRAZY ABOUT US, YOU TRIFLE WITH US, THE HOST OF HEAVEN HAVE TO GET US, CAUSE WE WILL PUT Y'ALL BLACK ASS INTO A COMA NO LIE... YOU SEE THESE FAKE ASS BASTARDS IN THIS WORLD LIES, ABOUT FIGHTING, BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO SNEAK AND TRY TO OUTNUMBER YOU A CERTAIN AMOUNT ON 1 PERSON, BUT US WE SEE IT ONE WAY AND THAT'S ALPHA AND OMEGA LORD JESUS CHRIST WAY[LIFESTYLE WALK& TALKING, WE KNOW OUR ANGELS WILL GET YALL WICKED ASS TOO] ... WARNING TO ALL OF THE JOINT-HEIRS WITH OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST IN THIS WORLD, YOU ALL BETTER START SEEKING GODHEAD FIRST AND FAST QUICKLY, BECAUSE I'M VERY AWARE OF MY DADDY WHO IS HIS MAJESTY, AND YOU ALL CAN JUST THINK OF THIS. [ELOHIM-OUR ETERNAL GOD].BOAZ I WILL TELL YOU MY NEW NICK NAME LATER, MY LOVE!!!! YOU WICKED BASTARDS COMPANIES IT HAS BEEN DECREED AND DECLARED MY GREAT GRANDFATHER DANIEL TOLD ME AND I HAVE ACCESS TO CRUSH ALL OF Y'ALL COMPANIES AROUND THE WORLD, THE HOLY BIBLE SAYS THIS -THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN WILL CRUSH ALL OTHER KINGDOMS!!!! YOU ALL CHOSE TO REVOLT ON MY HEAVENLY FATHER GOD, SO I'M RETURNING THE FAVOR OF A LIFETIME, JUST FOR OUR VERY BEAUTIFUL AND BRAVE CREW THIS FOR Y'ALL THAT'S IN HEAVEN!!!! SAYING WITH ONE ACCORD WITH THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN " LET'S CRUCIFY OUR ENEMIES AROUND THE WORLD JUST FOR OUR FATHER GOD[EL SHADDAI HIS MAJESTY OF ALL CREATION]!!!! TRULY, SURELY, AND CERTAINLY OUR HEAVEN ABBA FATHER, CREATOR OF HEAVEN AND THE EARTH, WE PRAISE, WORSHIP, AND GLORIFY YOUR HOLY NAME, FOR YOU ALONE DESERVE ALL OF THE PRAISE,GLORY,AND HONOR THAT'S DUE UNTO YOUR NAME FOR ALL ETERNITY... [THANK YOU OH SO VERY MUCH OUR VERY BEAUTIFUL, BRIGHT, AND LOVELY LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST WHO IS KING OF OUR VERY SOULS, THANK FATHER GOD FOR SENDING YOU TO EARTH THOSE THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, EVEN IF IT WAS JUST FOR BOAZ AND I, TO REALIZE HOW PRECIOUS READING THE HOLY BIBLE, AND HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH GODHEAD YAHWEH AND YESHUA, IT MAKES THE VERY DIFFERENCE IN OUR LIVES. I'VE COME TO UNDERSTAND THIS AND COULD YOU TELL THE ONES WHO REALLY TAUGHT ME WHAT LOVING MYSELF REALLY MEANT, I'VE LEARNED THIS 1 VALUABLE LESSON FROM EVERYONE IN HEAVEN AND ALSO IN THIS EARTH WITH ME [JAPAN,KOREA, AND ASIA, WHEN YOU REALLY LOVE SOMEONE AND THEIR HAPPINESS IS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU THAN YOUR OWNS, YOU JUST DO YOUR VERY BEST IN EVERYTHING TO FOLLOW GODHEAD[YAHWEH &YESHUA INSTRUCTIONS GUIDANCE TO MAKE LIFE VERY LIGHT, AND VERY EASY FOR YOUR PARTNER TOO... WE DON'T MAKE NOTHING HARD FOR THOSE WE LOVE, BECAUSE IT HURTS US TOO IN THE LONG RUN, SO WE JUST ASK THEM WILL YOU LET ME HELP YOU AND HEAL YOU FROM, EVERYTHING THAT TROUBLED YOU THROUGH THE YEAR'S!!!! MAY GODHEAD GRANT AND GUIDE US IN SPIRIT AND IN TRUTH, TO LIVE BEHIND THOSE VERY THINGS THAT HARMED US ALL THROUGH THESE YEARS, LETTING GO OF OUR PAST, AND JUST LIVING,LAUGHING,AND LOVING THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN CREW IN A NEW AND BRIGHTER BEGINNING WAY, LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!! LIFE IS A GROWING EXPERIENCE WITH KING OF GLORY NEM[THE FAMILY OF LOVE], IT'S GODHEAD TRUE FAMILY, AND WE DO REALLY APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE IN THIS WORLD, BECAUSE MY VERY CREW WAS THE BALANCE OF THIS WORLD, AND I KNEW IT, I JUST HAD TO GROW UP, AND MATURE IN GOD LIKE MY HUSBAND JESUS CHRIST TOLD US IN MATTHEW 5, ONLY IN THIS WAS I ABLE TO FINALLY MEET YOU BOAZ, AND NO I DON'T REGRET MY PAST, BECAUSE FATHER GOD, BLESSED ME TO REMEMBER MY PAST, SO I COULD OVERCOME MY PAST THROUGH THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB, AND THE WORDS OF MY TESTIMONY!!!! YOU ALL SHOULD REALLY MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, BECAUSE THIS WORLD WOULDN'T BE LIKE THIS, IF THOSE PARENTS WHO BEFRIENDED THEIR KIDS, INSTEAD OF TRAINING THEIR KIDS ABIDED BY THE HOLY BIBLE... BUT THIS VERY FACT IS VERY TRUE FOR EVERYONE IN THIS WORLD AND LIFE, IF YOU ALL CHOSE TO REVOLT ON GODHEAD BECAUSE YOU ALL HATED YOUR DAD OR MOM FOR BEING A TRUE RIGHTEOUS VESSEL OF GODHEAD THE TRINITY, THEN YOU ALL KNOW GOD SENTENCED YOUR DARK WICKED ASS TO HELL, THE MOMENT YOU STARTED THINKING OPPOSITE, OF HIS[GOD'S WORD =THE HOLY BIBLE]!!!! I CAN'T SAY THE SAME FOR EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS WORLD, BUT I'M CERTAIN BOAZ AND I FEEL THE SAME ABOUT THIS VERY DECISION =I'M ONLY THINKING AND LIVING FOR GODHEAD ALONE, IN EVERYTHING:[MORNING,DAY,AND NIGHT,SPRING,SUMMER,FALL,AND WINTER,SECOND,MINUTE,HOUR OF THE DAY, MONDAY-SUNDAY, AND ALSO JANUARY-DECEMBER, I'M SEPARATING US FROM ALL OF Y'ALL IN THIS WORLD, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T LIE AND SAY YOU SERVE GODHEAD WHEN YOUR VERY LIFESTYLE HAS TOLD US YOU ARE ALL ABOUT MONEY MATERIAL THINGS=SELFISHNESS CARNAL MINDED... YOU ALL MAY FOOL OTHERS IN THIS WORLD WE LIVE IN, BUT WE NEVER BELIEVED Y'ALL LIES, Y'ALL MADE IT TOO HARD FOR THOSE BACK THEN, AND THESE BABIES THESE DAYS TOO. THIS IS WHY HIS[ADONAI CALLED US TO THE SCENE, Y'ALL MESSED WITH MY TRUE CREW, I NEVER LIED, AND I NEVER WILL I'M THE BABIES TRUE PROTECTOR, THEREFORE, WHOEVER USED SORCERY ON A BABY IN THIS LIFETIME, IS SENTENCED AND GOING TO HELL, AND WHATEVER FATHER DECIDES TO DO TO Y'ALL AFTER THAT IT'S IN HIS MAJESTY HANDS!!!! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS WAS WHY, THAT KIDS TIME LEARNING ACADEMY, PLOTTED ON ME, IN TELLING THOSE PEOPLE THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME, WHEN YOU ALL KNEW THAT DAMN DUMAS, FOR A LUSTFUL OLD ASS DOG WHO WORKED WITH WOMEN JUST TO LUST AFTER THEM TOO, EVEN THOUGH HE WAS MARRIED... Y'ALL MARRIAGES WAS A FAKE, JUST TO COUNTERFEIT YOUR TRUE NATURE HEY!!!!! LOOKS LIKE Y'ALL GOT PLAYED BY THE TRUE MASTERMIND>BUSINESSMIND>THE ALL POWERFUL,THE ALL MIGHTY BIG BOSS MAN HIMSELF[MEET MY REAL TRUE DADDY OF THIS WHOLE EARTH=EL ELYON THE ONE TRUE GOD]...I TOLD YALL BASTARDS YALL WILL HAVE TO ANSWER FOR EVERYTHING YOU ALL HAS EVER DID TO US ALL FROM GENESIS TO REVELATION, FROM MY GRANDMOTHER MRS.SMITH- ALL THE WAY TO ME THAT WAS BORN IN 1985...( THEIR IS NO EXCUSES FOR HOW YOU ALL HAVE DONE US ALL THROUGH THESE YEARS, SO NOW IS RECOMPENSE, REVELATION, AND RESTORATION TIME JUST FOR BOAZ AND I THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN REPRESENTATIVES), WHILE FOR OUR ENEMIES IN THIS WORLD A SMITE,SMOTE, AND SMITTEN THIS IS ALSO WITH YOUR CURSED, DISEASED INFESTED PACKAGES ALL FOR THOSE DISOBEDIENT CHILDREN IN THIS WORLD THAT'S UNEMPLOYED JUST LIKE THEIR FATHER OF LIES!!!! THOSE WHO LIVE IN LOVE, WHETHER IT'S SEEN OR NOT SEEN IS GODHEAD KIDS[CHILDREN OF KINGDOM OF LIGHT], BUT THISE WHO LIVE IN HATE= SOMETIMES LIGHT, BUT MOSTLY DARK=DUMMY CHILDREN OF DARK... IF Y'ALL KEEP DOING THE VERY THINGS GODHEAD HATE YOU ALL WILL PERISH OFF THIS EARTH, AND IT'S NO ONE FAULT BUT YOUR OWN... TO HATE ANYONE JUST BECAUSE OF THEIR RACE STILL, IT'S NOT OF GODHEAD,AND YOU ALL KNOW IT... WHAT TICK AND PIST ME OFF IS Y'ALL LOW DOWN DIRTY ASS, SHOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT THIS MENTALLY INTO THIS AGE OF KIDS, IT WAS SO VERY WRONG... WE NEVER PAID FOR ANYTHING JUST SO Y'ALL COULD BECOME WEALTHY TO HARM, THEM. DON'T ACT LIKE Y'ALL ASS DON'T KNOW WHAT I SPEAK OF, WHEN YOU ARE MARRIED TO SOMEONE, YOU ALL VIOLATED THE 1RULE IN THE HOLY BIBLE ABOUT MARRIAGE, WHICH IS ONLY COMMITTING AND SUBMITTING TO ONE ANOTHER. MAN & WOMAN TOGETHER TEACHING KIDS RESPECT,HONOR, AND OBEY THE HOLY BIBLE IN PARENTS TRAIN YOUR CHILDREN. GOD DID NOT GIVE KIDS TO US TO HAVE OTHER PEOPLE TO TRAIN THEM FOR YOU, BUT YOU WHO LAID DOWN TOGETHER ARE SUPPOSE TO TRAIN THEM... WHY GET MARRIED TO PEOPLE, IF YOU ARE STILL LOOKING AT OTHERS, THAT YOU KNOW IS NOT YOURS!!!! COVETING WILL GET YOUR ASS TO GO STRAIGHT TO HELL FAST!!!! FATHER GOD I SEE IT NOW THE YOUNGER HAVE OUTCLASSED THE OLDER IN GROWTH, BECAUSE WE HEEDED TO YOUR VERY OWN HEART MY KING!!!! TAKE THEIR POSITIONS FROM THEM MY LORD OF HOST, AND GIVE THEIR POSITIONS TO YOUR TRUE PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE IN THESE POSITIONS, OFFICE'S, AND TITLES MY GREAT,HOLY,WORTHY, AND EXALTED ONE IN ALL THE EARTH JEHOVAH-ROHI I LEAVE THIS PETITION IN YOUR CARE MY KING OF GLORY, ONLY Y'ALL CAN MAKE THESE THINGS RIGHT, THAT WE WANTED TO HELP PEOPLE SO BAD, BACK THEN WE EVEN SOWED INTO THEIR MINISTRIES,ONLY TO SEE, THAT THEY REALLY DID SELL THEIR SOUL TO THAT DAMN DEV... I HATE THAT DAMN BASTARD SO MUCH MY KING, THAT I DO REALLY NEED Y'ALL TO INTERVENE ON OUR BEHALF ALWAYS NOW, BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE JUST WALK STUPIDLY AROUND WITH THAT ERR[ERROR ASS] LIKE YOU OWE THEM ANYTHING, BUT REALLY THEY OWE YOU THEIR LIFE, BECAUSE OF WHAT JESUS CHRIST DID, JUST SO WE COULD LIVE, AND KNOW YOU FOR OURSELVES... I DON'T KNOW ANY WEEDS, AND TARES NO MORE BOAZ, I'M NOT CARING ABOUT NO ONE THINK OR FEEL ABOUT ME ANYMORE, TO DO OUR FATHER GOD LIKE THIS, YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO IMAGINE HOW I REALLY FEEL RIGHT NOW??? I BESEECH THEE MY KING OF GLORY, GIVE US OUR INHERITANCE BOAZ AND I, OUR FINANCES FROM HEAVEN TO EARTH JUST FOR US OUR OBEDIENCE IN UPHOLDING YOUR PRECEPTS THIS WHOLE TIME, NOT FORSAKING THEM FOR NOTHING AND NO ONE.... YOU HAVE MY WORD OH GREAT AND EXALTED ONE HIS MAJESTY, YOUR EXCELLENCY, YOUR PRAISES HAS CHANGED FROM GREATLY PRAISING YOU TO SUPREMELY PRAISING YOU IN SPIRIT AND IN TRUTH DAILY AND ALWAYS IN JESUS MIGHTY NAME WE PRAY,AMEN.... TO GOD BE THE GLORY FOREVER AND EVERMORE, AMEN, AND AMEN... OH BOAZ MY LOVE I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU WITH MY WHOLE HEART, SO DO STAY STRONG AND ENCOURAGED IN OUR LOVING LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST OUR KING OF GLORY UNTIL THAT ONE DAY AND SOMEDAY SOON I PRAY😍😍🌞🌟🌤...AMEN