#giving a fuck ton of insulin AGAIN

[inniave]

uhhhh why the fuck is my blood sugar so high????????

[imanativeofswlondondahling]

Becoming A Stark? (1) Peter Parker X Stark! Fem Reader

A/N: This will eventually be a Peter Parker X Stark! femReader. However, there was backstory needed so Peter won’t be introduced until Chapter Six. This takes place after Iron Man 3 but before AOU. However time is wishy washy and will pass in weird ways so lol opps. Let me know if you want to be tagged.

Word Count: 3073

Warnings: Swearing

You feel it in your soul that you will hate Tony Stark for the rest of your life. It doesn’t matter that you’re related to him. It doesn’t matter that you’re his daughter. He ripped you from everything you’ve ever known. You were happy living with your grandparents. Sure they were getting up there in age, but you were happy. You had a life, you had friends, hell you had been working on moving forward with your crush and were hoping to have a date to homecoming this year. But all of that was ruined the day that Tony Stark waltzed through your front door. You can’t help but think back to that interaction. 

“Nana, who’s this?”

“Tony Stark. Genius, billionaire, philanthropist, Iron Man, to name a few things. I’d offer a hand but that’s not something I normally do. I guess, maybe I should due to the circumstances but…” It’s not the first time you’ve seen his face. The Avengers have saved New York a few times, but it is the first time you’ve seen him up close. The dark haired stranger trails off and you’re put off by his attitude alone. Why was someone this stuck up standing in your living room? So instead of saying anything, you turn your head back to your book. Tony decides to take a seat at the opposite end of the couch and tries again. “What are you reading?” 

Instead of answering, you just hold up the book and let him read the cover. Once and Future, spelled out on the spine of the book that you had removed the book jacket from while you read. “Y/N, maybe put the book down for a few minutes. I think Mr. Stark-”

“Tony is fine.”

“I think Tony and you need to discuss something.” You hesitantly pick up the receipt you had been using as a bookmark and slide it into the book, not wanting to leave Ari Helix behind, but you wouldn’t be rude to your Nana on a good day. On a day that you had trudged through the snow in your converse, maybe, but not on purpose.

“I don’t know him. I don’t think we have anything to discuss.”

“You’re right, we don’t know each other yet, but I’m hoping that will change with everything that’s going to happen.”

“What’s going to happen?” You can feel your eyebrows fall towards your eyes as you feel as though something is about to change without your permission.

“Well Y/N, I’m… I’m your dad.”

“Bullshit.” You say quickly. “Tony Stark doesn’t have kids. And if he did, there would have been a fucking gossip blog screaming about it already.”

“Well you definitely have my mouth if nothing else.” Tony adds with a chuckle. 

“I don’t have anything of yours, because you’re not my dad. I never want to see you again. Get the fuck out.” You push off the couch and turn to run off to your room.

“See that’s going to be a little tough seeing as you're supposed to come live with me.”

“What the fuck did you just say?” You turn on your heels, the anger building quickly. You’ve always been a bit of a hot head, but in this moment you don’t even try to control your temper. “I have a home, thank you very kindly. I don’t fucking know you. And I’m not looking to find a dad anytime soon.” The words spit out of you before you can stop any of them. 

“See the thing is, you’re fourteen and I’m your dad. Custodially, you’re supposed to live with me.”

“See the thing is,” you mock before continuing, “You didn’t care for fourteen years, so I don’t give a shit what you think you’re supposed to be doing custodially.” You can’t help but add air quotes around the word custodially. It burns as it leaves your lips. He hasn’t cared about you for fourteen years, why start now? 

“That’s because I didn’t know you existed Y/N. I found out about you twenty four hours ago and I’m stepping up now.” The words leave his mouth in an exasperated tone, but he doesn’t raise his voice.

“How?”

“How what?”

“How did you find out about me?” 

“Your high school.”

“What?”

“When you registered for school they had your birth certificate. They needed more information. Since it listed me as your father, they reached out to Nat- to my assistant. It was quite the shock to me that my child’s school was reaching out to me, since I didn’t know I had a child but the timing adds up and looking at you, it makes a lot of sense.”

“You were listed on my birth certificate?” This question was aimed at your grandparents more than at Tony-your father.

“We didn’t know if it was true or not. Your mom was in a bad place when she had you Y/N. So we had to take everything she said with a grain of salt. Was she beautiful and loving and did she love you? Yes completely. But did a lot of what she said during that time make sense? No, not at all.” Your nana says as she sits down on the couch, rubbing her knee. It’s probably another bad day. If you leave, who will make sure Nana and Pops are ok?

“I can’t go with you.” You cross your arms as you speak to Ton-your father.

“Why not?” His eyebrow raises over his square glasses.

“‘Cuz someone has to help Nana and Pops around the house.”

“I’ll make sure there’s a nurse helping them. Or better we can move them into a nursing facility where they don’t have to go up and down a bunch of flights of steps all the time.”

“Why would you do that.” The question came out as a demand, especially since you don’t want to believe this man that’s taking you away from the only family you’ve ever known would do something… nice.

“Because they’re your family. I’m not heartless. Well I guess that depends on what your belief on science is and arc reactors are, but technically I do still have a heart underneath all of this.” He points to where you know there would be metal and lights under his suit. “But for right now, we need to focus on getting you to the tower.”

“What tower?”

“Avenger’s tower? It’s closer than Malibu? And in less shambles.”

“So you’re moving me from the home that I know and love, but you don’t even live where you’re moving me?”

“I live there a lot of the time. And the Avengers are there most of the time which means you’ll be very safe. But I do have to travel for business.”

“Then I’ll stay where I am thanks.” Tony goes to speak when Wallace goes off. The beeping is only jarring for him since you and your Nana are used to it going off at random times.

“What the hell is that?”

“That is Wallace.” You say, not clearing up anything. Hmmm, your Dexcom says you’re 205 and rising? You could have sworn you had insulin on board. So you unclip the pump from your side and tap the screen to enter your blood sugar. No correction needed. 

“You good babydoll?” Your nana asks from across the living room.

“I’m good. I have insulin on board.”

“You’re diabetic?” Tony asks, putting two and two together.

“Yup. Have been since I was four.”

“And Wallace?” He asks hesitantly.

“Do you honestly care?” You say before rolling your eyes and walking towards the kitchen. Mentally, you slap yourself. You should have grabbed your book. Now you’ll either have to start a new one or wait until your father, you roll your eyes at even saying it, leaves so you can continue your space adventure. Walking down the hallway you enter your room and close the door behind you. All you want to do is shut out the bombshell that was dropped on you and not deal with it. But for some reason you get the feeling that Tony Stark, freaking Iron Man, isn’t one to just let things go. 

Giving up on the idea of starting another book, you open your computer and click your Spotify to start playing the playlist you had paused this morning when you had left to run errands with Pops. You only have two weeks of summer left, so you had spent time getting school supplies and groceries before returning to the apartment. While Hitchin’ A Ride by Green Day starts playing, you open Twitter, hoping for anything to distract yourself. But somehow you find yourself on Tony Stark’s Twitter. It was less narcissistic that you imagined for him. Some retweets about Stark Industries, a few comical tweets about wanting a cheeseburger, and then a tweet from twenty four hours that just said HOLY SHIT in all caps and nothing else. Could that be about you? Closing out Twitter, you find yourself opening up your Tumblr to scroll as Lithium by Nirvana played. Or well you tried to scroll, but a knock on your door interrupts you. 

“Can I come in?” Tony’s head peaks in.

“If I say no will you go?” You say without looking up.

“Probably not. The people in my inner circle say I’m fairly stubborn.”

“Hmm.” Is the only reply you give him. To be fair, a lot of your friends would say you’re stubborn too so it’s not that surprising that your father is too. 

“I know you don’t like it kiddo-”

“Don’t call me kiddo.

“-but we do need to head to the Tower soon. Happy’s been parked downstairs for about as long as he’s allowed to be there.” Tony continues as if you hadn’t said anything. “So how about you pack up stuff you’ll need for the next few days and then I can send Happy and some other people to come get the rest later on?”

“You’re going to send people to pack up my stuff? You know how invasive that is?” 

“Ok, I’ll send you over with them, you can pack it up and they’ll move it to the tower, it’s your choice. Or to Malibu if you’d rather. Well that is once the rebuild is done. Long story. But if you stay at the tower, you won’t have to change schools.”

“Yippee. Everyone at school will get to find out that Tony Stark is my father. How much fun will that be.” Your voice is dripping with sarcasm. “I definitely wanted to be ostracized my first year at high school. Thanks for making it even better than I could ever imagine high school being.”

“Look I know this isn’t a win/win scenario, but we can keep your name out of the press until your eighteen if you want. You’re a minor-”

“Yeah, but when the paparazzi see me coming out of the tower, that won’t tip them off.”

“I’ll have Happy drive you. There’s a garage entrance. No one will see you coming or leaving.”

“Great so I just have to give up my freedom. That’s even better than I imagined.”

“Y/N, I know this isn’t what you wanted, or even what you want, but I think we can come up with something that works in the long run. Plus I’m having Pepper, you’ll meet her later, take over SI so I won’t have to do as much. I can try to stay in New York as much as possible. Because no matter what happens, you’re my daughter and I want to know you.” You don’t say anything in response. “I hope one day, you feel similarly.” He says softly.

“I doubt it.” You say honestly. 

“Well even if that’s the case, right now we do need to pack up some stuff to take to the tower for now. Want me to hel-” He starts to pick up a sweatshirt from the end of your bed and you snatch it from his hand as you reply.

“I’ve got it.”

“Y/N, we’re here.” Your father’s voice pulls you from your thoughts and you look at the non descript parking garage that is under what you assume is the tower. The man you’ve figured out is Happy, though he’s the exact opposite of Happy, opens your door and you climb out, knowing that Tony will be behind you. Happy goes to grab your bags from the trunk, but you stop him. 

“I’ve got it.”

“It’s part of my job.”

“I don’t have an issue carrying my own stuff like some people.” From the trunk you lift out your purple backpack, the black rolling suitcase, and the canvas bag that’s filled with all your pump supplies, sensors, and insulin. You follow Tony and Happy towards an elevator. 

“JARVIS take us to the main floors.”

“Certainly sir.” You look up expecting to see a face or something but there’s no one there.

“JARVIS is the AI that runs the whole tower. If you need anything JARVIS is the one to ask. If there’s specific food you want or if you need stuff for school or, well, anything really, just ask JARVIS. I’ll get you added to the levels of clearance that allow you to order anything that you want.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Part of you living with me is that I’m going to provide for you. JARVIS is part of providing for you. I’m not the best at remembering to like grocery shop or send the laundry out so JARVIS helps with that.”

“Send the laundry out? Do you not have a washer and dryer in this whole place?” You cock an eyebrow at how spoiled he sounds.

“We do, but there are other things that take time away from me.” You add continue to do my own laundry to the mental list of things that will make you different from your father. Tony notices the disapproval marked in his daughter’s face and hopes that maybe meeting the Avengers will make up for the disappointment he’s been to her so far. The doors open and in the living room Natasha and Clint are sitting watching a movie while Steve sits in a chair reading a book. “Where’s Code Green?”

“In the lab,” Steve comments, not looking up from the page he’s on.

“That’s Capsicle. Legolas is sitting next to Nat. Big Green is down in the lab and Point Break is currently back at home but you’ll meet him eventually, though hopefully not his brother.” At the sound of being introduced the three in the living room look up and see the girl standing next to Tony in surprise.

“Uh, Tony, are we taking pint size Avengers now?” Clint asks.

“I might be small, but I can kick your knees out just as easily.” You pull on the strap of your backpack, not really wanting to be in this room much longer. 

“Ok, before you kick anyone’s knees out. This is not an Avenger recruit. This is Y/N Stark, my daughter.” Ok taking on his last name was something you were going to have to talk to him about because you were perfectly happy being Y/N Y/L/N, not this Y/N Stark bullshit.

“You have a kid?” Steve asks, genuine confusion spread across his face. 

“I do. I didn’t know until yesterday, but I’m doing the right thing.” You can’t stop the snort that escapes you. Tony looks over at you.

“Sorry,” You say although you don’t mean it. “Can I es- go to my room?”

“‘Yes, you can escape to your room. I’ll show you where it is.” 

“I got it boss. I think you have some people that need answers.” Happy offers. You’re silently relieved that Happy offered to show you. If you had to spend another minute with your dad, you might lose your mind. Happy walks you into the kitchen and opens the fridge as you go past it. You look at him, trying to figure out why he’s opening it. “Tony told me you’re diabetic. You have insulin that needs refrigeration right?”

“Oh, yeah I just didn’t know he told you.”

“Head of security. There’s not much he doesn’t tell me.” Happy turns them towards a staircase leading away from where all the Avengers are. “But you know if you need someone to talk to, or grab a cheeseburger with, there’s things he doesn’t have to know about.”

“I don’t eat meat, but I appreciate it, Happy.”

“He’s going to say you’re not his kid if you don’t eat cheeseburgers.” And for the first time since all of this started, you actually let out a laugh.

Tony’s head turns towards the sound of the laugh. It’s unfamiliar, but he wants to hear more of it. He’s missed fourteen years of your life, but he wants to make things better, he does. He’s just not sure how.

“So you found out you have a kid?” Steve asks, his book forgotten now.

“Yeah, yesterday I found out I had a fourteen year old and then it’s been a whole process of finding out that since she’s mine I have custody technically.”

“So you took her away from all she knows?” Natasha's voice comes softly from the couch. 

“I guess you could say that.”

“Did you give her a choice?” Natasha asks, harsher this time. In her eyes anyone could see the remainders of another girl that was taken from all she ever knew and replaced with a hard boiled assassin.

“In the eyes of the state she doesn’t really have a choice.”

“So you didn’t give her a choice.”

“She’s got a medical condition that was costing her family thousands a month on top of her grandparents’ conditions. I’m helping!” Tony’s voice raises for the first time this afternoon since he tried to stay calm around his kid.

“You think you’re helping, but you’re taking her from the only life she’s ever known and I’m betting you gave her no choice in this. All you might get out of this is four years with her and then she disappears from your life.” Clint says softly, not trying to upset Tony, but also hearing the points that Natasha was bringing up. 

“You’re going to have to work hard to make this worth it to Y/N, Tony.” Steve says before picking up his book.

[oimoi-op]

when were you diagnosed with t1d?

Ok, so storytime! Short answer is, as of today, barely over two months ago. 

(Very long post warning y’all, contains hospital mention and extensive, possibly upsetting descriptions of health conditions, specifically DKA)

My family doesn’t really have a history of T1D or even T2D, though my second-cousin-once-removed has had T1D for over a decade now. So, there was never any reason for me to try and get tests done for it. The only sign I really had up until last semester was two copies of a variant of an HLA gene that I knew about from a 23andMe report (which, according to the report, put me at a higher risk for celiac’s and nothing else), but of course at that time I had no idea that that could mean anything serious; after all, that sort of thing only happens to other people, right?

My college started in-person classes in the latter half of August. By October, I started feeling tired, having a lack of appetite, and needing water very, very badly. I actually went to my school’s clinic, and my erratic heartbeat prompted the doctor to recommend me for a Covid-19 test. My school’s protocols meant that I had to quarantine at my home (since I live within two hours of campus) until I got a negative test result. At home, I was drinking water all the time and sleeping constantly, and my parents had commented on how I’d been losing weight. I thought these were all good things. I had been slightly overweight at my high school graduation, and I’d always heard that drinking a lot of water is good for you, so I thought I was actually in excellent health even if I kind of felt like shit most of the time.

Well. Uh. I was wrong.

When finals came around in mid-November, I was just fucking tired. I’d get a decent eight hours of sleep and still have to take naps during the day. Hell, I was even late for work because I slept through one of my nap alarms. Studying was a pain in the ass. Attending classes was a pain in the ass. Staying awake for Zoom classes was a pain in the ass. I was waking up at 5 am to go to the bathroom, and then I would drink the rest of my water, refill it, drink half of it again, and then go back to sleep. Finally, November 20th rolled around, and I got to leave campus. It was my birthday (yeah I am a Scorpio and that weirds all of my friends out lol), and my parents took me to Fusion. And I just...couldn’t eat at all? I love hibachi, but I couldn’t even eat half of my food. The chef even got me a delicious banana split that I had to basically bully my younger sister into eating with me.

For the next week, I was sleeping about 18 hours a day. I didn’t think this was weird because I’d just had finals so yeah, it makes sense that I would be tired after exams and whatnot. I went shopping with my mom, sister, and sister’s bff. We were only out for a few hours, but I was fucking wiped out y’all, like in pain. Thanksgiving arrived, and again, I love food, I love eating, but I was not hungry in the slightest. I basically had to force myself to eat some of my favorite holiday foods just so I wouldn’t offend my mom, and then I didn’t eat for the day.

The very next morning, I was puking my guts out.

This started a pattern for the next few days: I would eat chicken noodle soup or some other food, sleep like the dead, and throw up every morning and every night. I started chugging large bottles of Gatorade constantly (which, if you know about diabetes and its health complications, did not help my situation in the slightest). I started breathing erratically after very little exertion. Like, I’m talking standing up and stretching brought about heavy, labored breathing. I weighed myself on my parents’ scale, and I was under 130 lbs. Now, for some people this might seem like a lot, but due to my height and build I could fucking see some of my ribs. That was when I started to realize that something was very, very wrong, but “losing weight is good” and I didn’t want my parents to laugh at me for voicing concerns (though, for all their faults, in hindsight, I doubt they would’ve). Yeah. Don’t do that, folks, that’s not a good mindset to have. 

On Sunday, my mom took me to town to get tested for Covid. This was despite me saying that I didn’t have symptoms (which I knew very well due to some of my friends catching it at school). Rapid test came back negative, so I did a culture test. Hell, while I was sitting in the damn chair, I was about to pass out. I asked for a nausea pill but my mouth was too dry for it to dissolve. I got a cup of water, downed it all, and felt like my throat was on fire. For the rest of the day I felt so, so awful. At some point I was walking toward my bed in my room and I fucking fell. I’m fucking lucky there was carpet. 

Regarding the rest of that night, things start to get blurry, for the lack of a better term. I legitimately cannot recall everything that happened that night or the following two days, so I will just try to explain it in the way I remember it best.

Around...midnight or one??? I was on fucking fire, so I went to my bathroom and decided to lie on the floor. The floor was hardwood and not at all cold, and it wasn’t fucking comfortable even in that state, but I was just in so much pain I didn’t even care. My mom must’ve heard because she found me there and asked me what I was doing. I said something about the floor. She asked me to go back to bed, but I must’ve scared her because she asked me if I wanted her to lie in the bed with me. I don’t remember what I said to her, but we were in the bed and she was trying to hug me, but she was too warm and so I told her to stop. I kept feeling this burning just below my chest, like there was acid in me (which I guess wasn’t too far off), so I would randomly sit up to try and alleviate the pain and not cry. I remember asking my mom to take me to the hospital in the morning.

My mom put me in the truck (I think around 5 am is what she told me). I remembered hearing my dad. I was lying down. Then I was awake, but I was on the floor. I thought this was wrong so I tried to tell my mom that but I guess I couldn’t talk. Then I was in a hospital bed, the ER I assume. My mom gave me some water with a sponge, and I was just so fucking thirsty. Then I was in the ICU hooked up to a bunch of machines. I didn’t know what was going on, but my mom kept giving me water with that sponge. That is all I remember from Monday.

I remember a little bit more from Tuesday. My mom said something about diabetes, but that didn’t make any sense to me because I wasn’t “fat” and I’d been losing weight, even! What had I done to get diabetes? I was thirsty and tired, so I slept a lot. At some point I really needed to use the restroom so I unhooked my IV???? (I mean I must’ve disconnected myself somehow but I can’t remember the details) which set off a shit ton of alarms and people were Very Concerned and kept asking me Why Did You Do That? But I just needed to go to the restroom, and they told me to use the Red Button to Call the Nurse (it was already there, and I now realize that we’d probably had a similar conversation about the Red Button to Call the Nurse possibly multiple times before this) in the future. A Chopped Teen Tournament from 2017 was playing on the TV nonstop. There were commercials for CGMs. I thought that God wasn’t being very funny about the whole thing.

As of now I remember even less of Wednesday, but I know that felt better. There was this diabetes specialist who kept talking about insulin and life at college moving forward, but I wasn’t really there, either because of being so out of it for health reasons, disassociating, or a combination of the two. My mom told me she had emailed a professor so he would give me an extension on an assignment that was due by then, and I remember crying because I thought that was just so nice of him. That night, this guy got me in a wheelchair and put me in another room, which I would later learn was the ACU. My night nurse was this nice woman named Tanya, who had a very thick Eastern European accent. She got me orange juice to take some potassium pills, but it felt like swallowing rocks. I didn’t really get a lot of sleep, so I was awake when the nurses changed shifts. I remember one of them expressing surprise that I was out of the ICU so early.

My mom took longer to come that day because nobody had told her I’d been moved. I’d had plain Cheerios and orange juice for breakfast, but I couldn’t really eat because my throat hurt so badly. I talked to a lot of doctors. I guess at this point or somewhere near it I accepted that I had diabetes, but it wasn’t really real until the same diabetes specialist was going over carbs. I thought I was never going to eat shit I liked ever again. I really wanted a fucking McChicken sandwich. I signed some papers for Medicaid because I had aged out of the CHIP while in the hospital. I finally texted my friends and explained to them what had happened. I was so fucking tired.

I got out the next day, so that was Thursday. Normally, I would’ve been in the hospital much longer (especially because my Medicaid hadn’t been approved, meaning no insurance had approved of my insulin yet), but Covid cases were on the rise and the hospital wanted me out of there. The diabetes specialist and one of my nurses snuck me two fast-acting and two basal insulin pens, and I was out. I ate half a McChicken, a small fry, and drank my first Diet Coke. It tasted like diesel mixed with piss. 

That’s the gist of it. The hospital staff was very nice and thoughtful the entire time, I think. I felt as though everyone involved cared about my health a lot. 

For those of you who aren’t T1D or just don’t know, what I experienced is called DKA, short for diabetic ketoacidosis. To simplify, I was very close to entering a diabetic coma. My sister later told me that our dad had said (I assume a doctor had told my mother, who, in turn, had told him) that I was “approximately 45 minutes” away from death. DKA happens when a diabetic (usually a T1D like me) has too much blood sugar in their body due to them lacking the insulin necessary to break the sugar down, so their body breaks down their fat reserves and muscle to get the energy it needs. This is why I lost around 50 pounds over the course of a few months (I was 118 lbs. when I entered the hospital, the lowest I’ve been since grade school). I was officially diagnosed with T1D on November 30th, just ten days after my 19th birthday, which is a little older than normal I believe. It’s...well, it’s not fun, but I feel very grateful for my large support system, and tomorrow I’m trying out a CGM for the first time and applying for both it and a pump, so things are really looking up 

[iluxia]

This mug is trending in my hospital right now. Legit it's more popular than me. I am sharing it this morning, post-shift and full of matcha latte, as a part of my effort in fulfilling my civic & professional duty of getting you all to just

                              GET THE DAMN FLU SHOT!!!

If you have insurance, it will be free somewhere (CVS, Walgreens, the grocery store, or your doctor’s office if you haven’t done anything that prevents you from showing your face there). If you don't have insurance, vaccinefinder.org can get you to somewhere that won't cost you an arm and a leg. Alternatively, here is a table of how much it'll cost you at the usual places in the US for the quadrivalent formulation as an uninsured consumer.

As for my vaccine spiel: I’m sure you’ve read all the articles swimming around in media about this, so I won’t go into the usual why’s. (Yes, for those outside of the USA, here people debate about something as elementary as why should we vaccinate.) I will, however, pull apart a few excuses anti-vaxxers use as shields, excuses I have personally heard before. (Full disclosure, I am a physician.)

"The flu shot makes people sick immediately after vaccination because the vaccine introduces the flu virus into the body, so it actually impedes the immune system from working properly! It doesn’t work!”

This shows very poor to non-existent understanding of how vaccination & the immune system works. The flu vaccine contains inactive, dead virus parts. It introduces your immune system to what the virus looks like; remember the third Harry Potter movie, where they posted pictures of Sirius Black the Death Eater Fugitive on pamphlets to warn the wizarding world about him so they know what he looks like? It’s exactly that. The faster the immune system can recognize an intruder, the faster it can kill it.

“The flu shot has other ingredients in it (like mercury) that cause various side effects from depression and memory loss to cardiovascular disease, ADHD, and autism.”

The flu vaccine used to contain a preservative called thimerosal (ethyl mercury), which is NOT the same as methyl mercury (the toxic kind). Let’s review a little chem here, as painful as those long-buried memories are. Thimerosal is a stable preservative that has been in use in tons of things since the 1920s. There is more mercury in breastmilk than there is in a single flu shot, guys.

A dude named Andrew Wakefield and a few of his buddies published a whack case series in the Lancet in 1998 suggesting that the MMR (measles, mumps, rubella) vaccine, preserved using thimerosal, predisposed behavioral regression & developmental disorders in children. But the sample size was 12 patients. Twelve. That is negligibly tiny. Obviously they didn’t do their power calcs. And it was a case series - the least reliable type of research you can publish because a case series is anecdotal. Their “data” did not show strong correlation between the MMR vaccine and autism; indeed, their analytical model wasn’t even constructed to examine that hypothesis. Multiple epidemiological studies followed hot on the heels of this paper, refuting its wild claims, but the damage was done & the publicity was already on fire. It sparked a huge anti-vaxxer movement that is responsible, frankly speaking, for the recurrence of eradicated diseases such as measles, which is deadly to little children. [ You can read more about this whole debacle here. ] It was all about the MMR vaccine at first, but “MMR” disappeared and eventually it became “all vaccines cause autism.” This is what happens when you combine poor health education, an irresponsible publishing journal, and an immoral media. The Lancet only formally withdrew this paper from publication in Feb 2010. To this day, I find it difficult to trust the Lancet.

The studies that came after Wakefield’s stupid one all refuted Wakefield’s claims with stronger data, proper analyses, systematic reviews, and actual fucking power calcs, like actual fucking researchers.

Finally, we don’t even fully understand autism. How can you definitely claim that one specific thing can cause it? Remember: correlation =/= causation.

“The CDC promotes flu vaccines because they have financial ties & get kickbacks from Big Pharma. It’s all big business. The flu vaccine doesn’t work.”

Bars and clubs will promote alcohol to you because they get kickbacks from the breweries. It’s all big business. Does that mean that the alcohol doesn’t work?

Why are you okay giving Big Pharma your money for vitamins you don’t really need (most people don’t really need multivitamins, it just makes your pee expensive) but you can’t give them money for life-saving, pandemic-fighting vaccines that COST LESS?

And since we’re talking about business, you should know that vaccines are actually not profitable for pharmaceutical companies, because they have to make entirely new batches EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. The overheads on that must cost $$$$, I mean, they have to pay the researchers a living wage, and it takes months to make the vaccines. Come on, we all know the real money is made with ridiculously expensive life-saving medications such as insulin and the EpiPen. Duh.

Health is worth more than money, honey. Spend a day in a hospital hooked up to a ventilator with tubes coming out of every orifice and you will never deny this.

“I still get sick after the flu shot. It doesn’t work for me.”

The flu has various strains every year, and the vaccine is only made with the strains they (the researchers) predict will be the most widely distributed across a certain population. It involves a lot of statistics. Does this mean that you should skip the shot? No. Statistically, your chances of getting the most virulent, widely distributed strain is HIGHER than your chances of getting a different strain the vaccine isn’t made with. That statistics course really matters, you know.

Yes, you get a different type of flu vaccine depending on where you are in the world. The northern & southern hemispheres get different vaccine formulations because they typically get different strains. This is also why a flu strain from, say, southern China or India is fucking TERRIFYING for Europe or the US, because we likely will not have any immunity to that shit. (And vice versa.)

The flu virii evolve every year. They get more virulent, more adaptable, and more insidious every time. And do you know how they evolve? Because some asshole somewhere had partial/augmented immunity and the virus evolves under these conditions. This asshole was sick with a different strain of the flu before, but doesn’t believe in the flu shot, so he doesn’t get the one issued this year. He then gets maybe mildly sick with the new flu strain, while his wife is still sick with the previous flu strain he carried. The two strains are exposed to each other and under these conditions, the virus can evolve by mutation or genetic reassortment. Cross-exposure to other viral strains (antigenic drift) is a mechanism for viral variation & results in newer, deadlier strains that both partially immune people (infected before with other strains) AND vaccinated people cannot fight off. Then it spreads to their kid, who spreads it at the daycare, and those kids give it to their parents, who spread it at work... this, folks, is how you get an epidemic.

Vaccination really only works to eliminate a disease when you unilaterally vaccinate the entire population across the board. (As best as you can, anyway.) The vaccine will never work 100% - there is always a margin of error - but if you cover the entire population, your margin becomes more acceptable. Whereas if only some people get vaccinated, then you open up chances for viral mutation.

By the way, you might FEEL sick immediately after the flu shot, but you aren’t sick. That’s your immune system sucking your entire body dry of resources, making your muscles ache & giving you fatigue as it revs up & prepares brand new antibodies for this new virus. This takes a toll on your body, but you can combat the “sick” feeling by exercising lightly, hydrating very well, eating clean, and getting some sleep. 

“My child already has a disease that lowers their immune system. If I give them the shot, that’ll completely deplete their remaining reserve. They might get a different infection and die!”

Again, a poor understanding of immune biology. 100% wrong. I give flu vaccines to immunodeficient patients with HIV, transplant patients who are taking immunosuppressants, and patients who are taking meds like Humira (immunosuppressing side effect). In fact, I prioritize the vaccine for them. They, above everyone else, need to be prepared for the coming strains of flu. I am giving their immune system time to prepare. - Of course I will monitor them closely & take appropriate precautions to prevent them from contracting other infections. I’ll support their physiological needs while they convalesce. But immunosuppression is no excuse. (That being said, have a conversation with your physician. Dosing, type, and timing of the vaccine can vary depending on your individual situation & condition.)

“Evidence now suggests that ingredients in flu shots can actually cause serious neurological disorders, like Guillain-Barre syndrome or similar neuromuscular diseases thought to be of autoimmune origin.”

In 1976, the CDC published that there was a risk of Guillain-Barre syndrome happening after a patient got a flu vaccine IF they have had the swine flu vaccine before. The risk was calculated to be 1 in 100,000 people who got the swine flu vaccine. The Institute of Medicine (IOM) did a scientific review on this issue in 2003 and concluded that the people who got the swine flu vaccine in 1976 were at increased risk, but otherwise, there has been no significant change or increase since then. Did you get the swine flu vaccine in 1976? No? Okay, go get the flu shot.

It is true that there have been observed cases where neuromuscular disorders like Guillain-Barre or chronic inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy (CIDP) seems to be triggered, or occur after the patient gets the vaccine. We don’t fully understand how or why. I have treated these patients (they are relatively rare, I see maybe 1-2 every year) and they recover well provided competent care at a good hospital. Look out for research on this, but until we definitively know a causative link, it’s foolish to skip a perfectly safe, proven, and highly recommended vaccine to avoid a very narrow “maybe.”

If you have questions, guys, I will answer. Drop me an ask or PM me. But please, please spread the word and get vaccinated. 

If you get scared or doubt your decision to get the shot, remember that the only reason we are not all dead from smallpox (it was an epidemic) and cholera (a pandemic) and rabies (from all your pets) and typhoid (also a pandemic) and the fucking black plague is because of that 5ml of liquid in that tiny little syringe.

Vaccines do not cause autism. Vaccines cause adults.

GET. THE. SHOT.

[charmandhex]

🌻!!

This one I did look up because I couldn’t remember what some things are called because it’s been a year.

So, the lac operon. This was the first thing for which we understood gene regulation and how this particular clock keeps ticking.

What’s an operon?

An operon is a chunk of genes all grouped together- they’re all in line on the same bit of DNA and all associated products are made together- and all of these genes run under the same promoter.

What’s a promoter?

It kinda does what it sounds. The hype man to the genes following, it’s the little guy on the runway with the glowsticks telling the plane where to go. When the promoter is in use and it’s getting made, that product will drive reading of other genes and thus production of those products.

Reading? Products? Genes?

Oof I am doing this all out of order. If anyone actually needs the refresher because my baseline is fucked and I can ramble about this from memory (aside from names, dammit cAMP- but that’s later). The basic process is, all living organisms have genetic material that tells cells what to make and in what quantities. Through a process more complicated than what I need to get into right now, that information is transcribed and translated to make whatever product is associated with a gene- read a bread recipe, bake bread; read a gene, make a protein.

Now, it’s important that all cells and organisms make stuff in the right quantities. We have limited resources and energy, so we can’t just make everything all the time. We’d run out of stuff and then the cells would scream and die because they have no more of a necessary protein because they kept making a protein only needed in specific conditions. So we regulate that shit. Which is where gene regulation comes in.

The lac operon comes from the bacteria E. coli. It’s made up of a promoter and followed by three genes that code for three separate proteins that are used to basically consume the sugar lactose for energy. See, E. coli’s favorite food is the sugar glucose, so it’s gonna make glucose-eating proteins way more than lactose-eating proteins. But sometimes there is no glucose, only lactose! So it needs to then be able to turn on production for our lactose proteins and eat that instead.

So there are fundamentally two parts to controlling whether or not we’re producing these proteins.

First, is glucose around?

This is where cAMP comes in, or cyclic adenosine monophosphate. The name isn’t actually important because like fuck am I quizzing anyone on this, but what cAMP does. The amount of cAMP is inversely proportional to the amount of glucose- this town ain’t big enough for the two of them. When there’s a lot of glucose, not a lot of cAMP. Not a lot of glucose, more cAMP. And when there’s more cAMP, there’s more cAMP to bind to the catabolite activator protein (CAP). cAMP binds to CAP, which changes the shape of CAP. In this shape, CAP can now bind to the CAP binding site, which drives up production of beta galactosidase (hereafter referred to as beta gal).

But like I said, there’s a second part to controlling whether or not we’re making these proteins: what happens when lactose is around?

To start with, our default position for these proteins is off; we don’t always need them, so we’re gonna make sure we don’t spend time and energy making them (we meaning E. coli still- I’ll explain the we so it sounds less weird in a bit). To make sure we’re always not making them, we ALWAYS make a lac repressor protein. The technical terminology is that it’s expressed constitutively, and this guy binds to the DNA ahead of the lac operon and basically does not let anyone in to start making those proteins.

But our lac repressor has a weakness and that is Allolactose. Allolactose is structurally similar to lactose. In fact, lactose can be converted to Allolactose by beta gal. So when there’s a ton of lactose and extra beta gal cause there’s no glucose, beta gal can convert some of that lactose to Allolactose. The Allolactose then grabs onto that lac repressor, which changes the shape of the lac repressor, so it can no longer do its job.

Which means we are FINALLY free to get into the lac operon proper! We have our repressor not repressing, our promoter getting to go nuts, our three proteins in full swing, and a fuckton of lactose to work wit! Let’s go!

So the three proteins are lacZ, lacY, and lacA. LacY gets us beta-galactoside permease, which lets more lactose into the cell. LacA gives us galactoside acetyltransferase, which I am too tired to get into because we may or may not know why this one is useful. But lacZ.

LacZ makes beta gal.

I actually kinda buried the lede on beta gal. The conversion of lactose to Allolactose is helpful to fuck up the repressor and make more beta gal, but it’s kind of incidental. Because what beta gal primarily does is break lactose into glucose and galactose.

And hey look we’re back at glucose; that’s what E. coli wants to eat! Yay!

So that all keeps going on until you get more glucose and less lactose and the whole system kicks back on: less cAMP, less allolactose, repress the lac operon again. Open, close, open, close.

It’s neat as fuck.

And now we use it in biotech. We now meaning scientists, researchers, humanity.

We edit the lac operon so instead of just the normal lac proteins after the promoter, we stick the DNA for a protein we want to make there. Let’s use insulin as an example because this is a historical example.

So we have our lac operon plus insulin, and we’re gonna stick that on a plasmid, which is a small bit of DNA that runs in a circle. Bacteria will make them, pick them up, discard them; basically, plasmids are something bacteria already use. So we can now stick our plasmid into the E. Coli and if we, say, take away all the glucose and only feed them lactose, that kicks the lac operon on and bam insulin.

Except as I touched on, bacteria will yeet a plasmid on accident all the time when they’re growing. No guarantee that when they divide, each cell is walking around with its own plasmid.

Unless we make them.

What we do is basically make the bacteria need them. You can add antibiotic resistance to the plasmid and then grow the bacteria with the antibiotic present so all the ones who don’t have it then die, which is approximately the method we used in an AP bio experiment, but also that’s a terrible idea. What I’ve also seen has been to make sure that a different necessary protein on the plasmid. Like, knock out something that bacteria needs to live in the regular bacteria DNA but keep it in the plasmid, basically. Or keep something out of the bacteria food and only have the instructions on how to make/get it in the plasmid. The specifics aren’t important; we bully the bacteria to keep the plasmid so we can make the bacteria make the protein we want. So we can make medicine.

Yay science!

[salt-sass-and-lyrium]

may i ask why you're becoming increasingly scared of the united states? if possible, can we also talk about the abortion law in Alabama (under friendly terms of course i don't want to victimize or target anyone)

I’m going to try and keep this short but know I won’t be able to because in reality the list is like this 

and growing.

Here we go. 

Note: This is all just off the top of my head, but I can provide sources for everything if needed

My state just banned abortions after 8 weeks, when most when don’t even know they’re pregnant. There’s been a decrease in resources available to pregnant women and children for ages and it’s not getting any better.

This is the same state that refused the medicaid expansion, so we’re extra fucked on health care

Remember the “legitimate rape” guy? Yeah, we elected him. He was one of ours.

Ferguson

Abortions are being banned before assault rifles.

It’s literally a serious debate as to whether or not minimum wage people deserve a livable wage. 

We as a culture have just decided that school shootings are just ‘things that happen’ and ‘there’s nothing that can be done about them’. 

A judge just ruled that the police at the Parkland shooting had no obligation to try and stop the shooting or protect the students.

Birth control is becoming more and more expensive and more and more scarce.

Planned Parenthoods and like institutions are being closed down nation wide for zero fucking reason, even in light of the fact that such closures lead to dramatic increases in STDs and unwanted pregnancies

The most common camp

My president is a racist, homophobic, reality TV show host who thinks windmills cause cancer. He quite literally has demonstrated he has no idea of how government or even money works. Oh, he’s also a proud sexual assaulter and adulterer.

My president has demonstrated time and time again, on about a daily basis, that he is not mentally sound or capable of doing the job, yet his own party refuses to do anything about it.  

Since being in office, his policies and tariffs have fucked over the farming industry, and now other industries due to his fucking tariffs.

Said president put in place an EO that forced children to be separated from their families at the border for no legally justifiable reason. 

This is still happening

We’ve since lost THOUSANDS of those children. Most of them will never be reunited with their families. And in many instances, young children who were reunited with their families often rejected them as they no longer recognized them. Don’t even get me started on the child trauma.

This was done as a tactic by the Republicans to blackmail the Democrats into funding the wall.

A majority of the country does not want a wall, border patrol included, but Trump is forcing it through anyway. Aside from being both useless and racist, it will cost tax payers billions an displace tons of American citizens.

Our healthcare system. Healthcare is horrific. A single hospital visit can easily put someone tens of thousands of dollars in debt. Many doctors refuse to see patients who do not have insurance, or who do not have ‘good enough’ insurance. 

The most popular campaigns on sites like GoFundMe are for medical expenses. Frequently people have been dying because their campaigns fell short. Notably a young man died because he couldn’t afford insulin. He was $13 dollars short.

It is easier for me to purchase an assault rifle than for me to purchase and register a car. 

I can buy guns at fucking Walmart

As an LGBTQ individual:

It’s still a debate as to whether or not I or people like me deserve basic human rights

My vice president supports conversion therapy. (He also calls his wife ‘Mother’ and no body seems willing to admit how weird that sounds)

There are still many active entities trying to repeal my right to marry whoever the fuck I want. 

What transgender people have to go through. I’m just gonna leave it at that or we’ll be here all week.

As a woman:

Without insurance, my birth control, a 1 month supply, is $135.

Birth control is becoming increasingly more and more difficult to obtain, particularly for low income individuals.

Planned Parenthoods and like institutions are being shut down at an alarming rate, despite oodles of proof that this does not even remotely benefit the community, in fact, it harms it as there tends to be a massive spike in STDs

A man who raped a woman behind a dumpster got 6 months in prison but I’ve got family in jail for non violent weed charges.

It’s 2019 and people are still fervently rejecting the idea that women are equal and should be treated and paid equally. 

The Georgia abortion ban

Rape culture

As a black woman:

Sandra Brown. Philando Castille. Mike Brown. Tamir Rice. Trayvon Martin. I’m going to stop naming names because I’m going to cry. 

An unarmed black person getting gunned down by police is not even a rare occurrence. And it has almost never resulted in any real trouble for the police officer(s)

The fact that I’ve never touched a gun in my life but have had them pulled on me. 

The fact that me and several of my friends took the subway with student passes. I was the only one stopped and interrogated because the officer refused to believe that I was a student. I have two degrees. All my friends were white, if that wasn’t obvious. I can’t count how many times I’ve been stopped and searched and publicly humiliated because I walked into a store and ‘totally must’ve stolen something.  

Look at the incarceration 

As a tax payer:

My government would rather spend money giving billionaires tax cuts then ensuring that children don’t go hungry

They would rather build a fucking wall that quite literally is going to do nothing to stop immigration than try and improve our infastructure

We spend more than the next 12 nations combined on our military for largely no reason at this point. We waste billions on technology that doesn’t even work.

We can’t provide free college for all but we can provide tax cuts and benefits to corporations that do not need them.

Measure after measure are being put in place to try and stop minorities from voting, notably in Georgia.

TL;DR: Given the way my country is headed, which is towards criminalizing my race, my sexuality, limiting the rights and resources of my gender and intentionally hindering advancement overall. Towards violence being the norm and children being short to death in kindergarten being nbd. I live in a country where the Vegas shooter who killed over 50 people and wounded hundreds more had headline articles run about how sweet of a man he was and how h was so generous he bought his grandmother a wheelchair but a literal child playing with a toy gun was called a criminal and demonized. I live in a country that does not value human life unless you are a heterosexual white Christian male. Or, more accurately, a wealthy, heterosexual white Christian male. Me just existing as I am is becoming more and more dangerous each day.

What specifically about the abortion law(s) would you like to talk about?

[crisps-craft]

hii can I get a reading on if pursuing politics is a good idea for me and how to go about It ??-GRM♊️ thank uu💓💓

hello!

i pulled - ace of cups, 7 of pentacles, 5 of swords, 5 of pentacles, magician (in reversed), 2 of cups, page of cups, strength, and 8 of wands

first of all, i want to say that if you feel called to pursue something you are passionate about, then you should definitely go for it. i believe in you- and i received some very interesting energy while reading from your pile.

i feel like you might've had some bad experience that made you want to go into politics? i feel like you had someone very close to you- like a family member, maybe even a grandmother (give or take??) - who you witnessed experience an injustice due to our current system. something about this field is veryyyy personal to you. this could even be a community that you are in that you witnessed get screwed over, too. i feel this sense of pain from you, you felt like you had no control. you felt like your power and your family's power and mobility to find a solution were halted or restricted in some way. i keep feeling frustration and crying. its a feeling of being forced to accept an injustice. when i feel this feeling from you i literally want to punch a fucking wall. there's rage in you, but you've found your passion and drive as a good outlet or these feelings

i got this visual of a family member not being able to afford insulin- this can be a metaphorical or a literal message. but again, it shows the emotions of the situation. the revelation of witnessing the broken system, the frustrated helplessness. im seeing a family member who works so so hard but just can't seem to get ahead or support themselves (fuck capitalism man) idk why but im seeing an apartment that needs renovations but they can't get it. leaks from the ceiling, dusty and pale yellow walls. the energy is warm (a very warm and tight family) but the home itself needs some repairs but im seeing that this person can't afford it.

^^ this message could resonate and be a literal interpretation that is personal for you, or it could even be a metaphorical message from spirit telling you that those people need help and to remind you of why you want to go into this field.

you have a strong desire to help people who have less than you. you want to help people who you see parts of yourself in- you can relate to these people. i absolutely think this is a good path for you- the strength card and 8 of wands have a lot of powerful energy for you. you are able to view things very critically, i feel like you are very analytical and have an eye for detail. not to mention your drive. you seem very ambitious and once you are set on something, you will achieve it.

i got another message which is that, politics is a broad field so allow yourself the open mindedness to embrace the various routes you could follow in this path. maybe there's some alternative route or out of the box path in how you do this. for example, don't do the cookie cutter "this is what you do to get where you want to be". i think you need to embrace your independence and also your personal power. maybe this could be through writing, creating your own organization? i see you leading something related to politics taking off. i feel like this could help you a ton!

writing and speaking could be good for you. i see lots of volunteering and being on the front lines being good for you. seeing the broken system that you want to change for yourself. dont get caught up in "major in poli sci, then do this, then do this internship..." cookie cutter way of pursuing this. etc. (not that a poli sci major isnt a good idea, but again, avoid cookie cutter paths) spirit wants you to take an out of the box approach. maybe make a blog, a youtube channel, start an organization (i can REALLY see you starting an organization and THRIVING with it), etc. i see you being very self driven and being your own boss. this will be the most successful approach for you- not to mention it will help you stick out and also gain very real and valuable experiences.

i hope that this could help and resonate! let me know if it was accurate <3 i have faith in you. chase your goals. you have so much maturity, strength, and drive. i see a lot of power in you and im not saying that lightly.

[voxvulgi]

&&&

send ‘&’ for 3 blogs i recommend

So, 3 times 3 is nine. Here goes:

@ribbedxgloves

I’ve known Ari since before Hailey came to life. She’s known me since I was king of the smols and will hopefully continue to be my friend and write with me until a terrifying global virus do us apart. (I sure hope that’s never!) She RPed with Dawn briefly and then took my Hailey and turned her into a real Disney princess. Not only that, but she brought Althea back to me, helped me make Adonis, and fuels my creativity every time I speak to her. She’s an amazing writer, and even better plotter, and an even better friend.

@elysiahellfire

MY SATANMON ROLL. I’ve known Vee even longer, and she’s the reason Zoran developed into a round character and is still good and around. She stuck with me through the time where I was smol and a newbie who knew nothing about RP manners (thank you to the moon and back; oh my goodness how did you deal djksnhadosijfo). She’s there when I need her, and more importantly, not there when she knows she needs to be elsewhere. Vee is an example I hope to imitate as I grow. She’s an amazing role model. You’ll almost never guess how she managed to make such wrecked muses with how well she has herself together. She’s a master time manager and a master writer. An absolute damn snail, but nothing good ever came out of haste (i’m looking at you sara what a nerd). Every time a reply posts, I have to take a moment to wonder how I came upon such a wonderful partner.

@floralgardenswitches // @aworldfullofmuses // @dysfunctionalmasons

MEL IS MY WIFE. She’s such a lovely cinnamon roll, all enthusiasm and love and talent. I haven’t RPed with all her muses yet (there are sO MANY HOW DO YOU EVEN MANAGE OHMYGOD) but if I get the chance to, no way I’d say no. They’re all so different and seriously amazingly thought out. Mel’s writing is so PERFECT and I get too excited not to reply as fast as I can because she also thinks up such amazing storylines and creates the best character dynamics. I love her with all my heart

@anomaliies // all the other blogs

I know I’ve said this a million times, but Savvy is my beautiful, talented, insightful, amazing smol twin. She has the most beautiful soul and can breathe life into any character she writes, canon or not. (Honestly, what’s the difference?) Her portrayal of canon is even better than actual canon, and her OCs, though I haven’t gotten to RP with all of them yet, are AMAZING to put it lightly. I love hearing her talk about them, I love writing with them, and I love every time I check my notifications to find a reply from her. She’s an amazing RPer and a very hard-worker in general, and I’m beyond glad I met her.

@warrioroflondonbelow

CHRISTINE IS THE SWEETEST. Hands down. I mean, I have a ton of sweet friends but??? I can’t? I just can’t???? She’s so full of love, always throwing comments and memes at me, always up for new ideas and any general rambles. I love the brief chats where I just get to know her better. I love every thread we have, even the ones we lost, and I endlessly want more. I haven’t even read Neverwhere (YET!!!) but I’m already so very in love with Richard Mayhew because of this amazing RPer’s representation of him. She gets into his littlest quirks and loves to break him down in many situations to explore his character, and if that isn’t good character study, I don’t know what is. I love you, Hannah!!!

@growinguphartless

I’d just leave this here and say “NERD” and move on, but even the endearment “nerd” wouldn’t do Mary justice???? I’ve first seen her RPing with one of my partners, and I was a little intimidated by her because she’s so perfect and her muse was so perfect and I was (and still am obv) a potato. But me, the potato, finally approached her at some point, and MAN DO I NOT REGRET IT. She’s so easy to talk to, easy to explore characters with, easy to hypothise with, and so dAMN EASY TO CRY WITH??? IF SHE TELLS YOU I AM NOT CRYING FOR AT LEAST 50% OF OUR CONVERSATIONS, SHE FUCKIN’ LYIN’. Dudes, I just love Mary and talking to Mary and don’t get me started on her OCs because OH MY GOD. If the love she gives them was sugar, they’d all be dying of diabetes rn. Not even insulin will help them. Nothing will. They’re so well-rounded and thought-out and so very very very LOVED by her that it’s difficult not to love them yourself and I. Just. Cannot. Bye.

@dangerous-smoll

Wanik and I met when her lovely muse Nita killed Hailey’s brother. It was a full moon, very spooky, so many ghosts, very cold. I saw the Flying Dutchman that day. Actually, that’s not how we met, but the time I first saw her, and I’m very glad that I did and that we approached each other because oh mY GOD. I don���t even know how to put it into words. Wanik puts so much work into her muses, her threads, her blog in general. And she gives so much love and attention to her partners it’s like…HOW? How do you manage to be so nice and supportive and run such a lovely blog with such a great variety of such deep muses? I die.

@the-storm-within-me

My Eve???? My love???? My beautiful bundle of awesomeness? How do I even explain how much I admire Eve???? She’s an amazing human. Nika is amazing. Nick is amazing. Eve and her interactions all bring me joy (and pain let’s be real) because she portrays such amazing, loving and caring muses who have their flaws and quirks. And the thing is??? You can’t even help but love them WITH their flaws and quirks?? Because they’re the perfect combination of characteristics. Honestly, they have the positive traits people admire and the vices people love. I wish I can meet Eve, Nika, and Nick in person. But for now I guess I just have to settle for tHIS AMAZING WRITING THAT I DO NOT DESERVE.

@endlessdrifter

Do I really need to do this again? I mean, if y’all didn’t hear me the first 9732481273 times: Dave is awesome in all the ways that count. Purely fantastic writing. He always gives me something to work with (even the times I suck and give him nothing to work with lmao) and something that surely gets a response from my characters. His muses are endless (ba dum tss!) and all distinct and unique and so very loveable. I love even the ones I haven’t met yet (because obv) and treasure the ones I have. You can rip Scoot, Jorge, Asher, Dane, Ray, Max, and Luke from my dead cold fucking hands. Lastly, if you’re ever in the mood for good conversation, definitely hit up Dave. (Unless you burped and want a high five. Apparently, this guy believes in ETIQUETTE OR WHATEVER.)

Bonus for the people who really love nice things on their dash (also did you really expect me to recommend only 9 blogs wtf guys???):

@altrxistisms

LOTTIE PATOTTIE MY BABY. This girl is under my protection, and so is my baby Jolie. I may have -1 fighting skills but you have to get through me if you wanna do so much as look their way, okay??? Okay. Now that we’ve cleared this up, I just need to stress the fact that Lottie (mun) and Jolie (muse) are the most precious people in the world. You’re gonna fall in love with them whether platonically or romantically. They’re gonna bring light to your life because they’re literally stars that fell from the sky and since they can’t bring happiness to heaven anymore they have to bring it to you.

@cupido-periculosa

Cip, I’m pretty sure I talked to you more than anyone else in the past few days, and you can honestly blame this on Vladimir Tod and his antics. But you have to blame THAT on yourself and D’Ablo because you had me go back to the bookstore and buy the box set after explicit instructions from my mom not to buy anything. I’m young, dumb, broke, and emotional because of you. (And Adonis is just young, dumb, and emotional. And let me tell you that choosing Dan Stevens as an FC for D’Ablo is probably the best thing anyone did ever. You know, right after that other thing you did where you breathed life into an underrated middle school villain and made him one of my favourite fictional characters of all time.)

[nowonderyouhavedemons]

All evens!

WOW I’m getting to this so fucking late I’m sorry I forgot to do this my entire day off so now I’m doing this at like midnight and I’ll post it tomorrow afternoon or something during my break

also thank you Allie once again for letting me ramble about my dumb self~

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

Maybe a 3 or so? I think it depends on if I’m familiar with the environment I’m in or not, and if the darkness is something planned. I don’t mind walking around my home in the dark in the middle of the night, but I’d be less okay with the dark if it was due to a blackout at home.

Probably shoots up to 4 or 5 when I’m in unfamiliar places. This includes haunted houses in amusement parks. I’m a huge baby I just try to hide it

4. What is your favorite word?

God, there’s so many good ones. I really like the word “dawn”. “Smorgasboard” is good too. Also “succinct” and “bracket.” Those words just feel fun to say for me!

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

“god why does my facial hair grow back so fast?”

it doesn’t really, but I like being clean shaven and I swear it grows to the point of being noticeable within 3 - 4 days and it’s really annoying.

8. What do you label yourself as?

A bunch of stuff, really! Male, straight, raver, diabetic, dropout, all that sort of stuff. Depends on the context we’re talking about too because this question feels super broad.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

I think I was in bed getting comfy to go to sleep. I got called into work that day and I was exhausted when I got home. Basically ate some food and watching a single youtube video and went to sleep.

12. Who told you they loved you last?

Think it was my friend/coworker actually. Pretty sure she was playfully jabbing at me and roasting me. I agreed with her (because I either completely agree unless I have something wittier to reply with) and I think she was all “Ahhh, you know I love you.”

Having a good relationship with your coworkers is nice~

14. What is your current desktop picture?

Right now, it’s the Dishonored 2 main screen! I actually use Wallpaper Engine from Steam which lets you use videos and animated loops as desktop wallpapers, so I have about 50+ on rotation right now that get switched out every hour.

16. The last song you listened to?

CA$H by Barely Alive!

MAKE THE SPEAKERS *VIIIIIBbBRrAaAaAaTtEe*

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

The guy who was with his girlfriend as one of my customers yesterday when I got called in.

Listen asshole, the first thing I told you when you came up other than my “hi” was that we were out of slushies. We couldn’t make slushies. We refilled all the mix. What do you do? Ask me “what about the blue raspberry?”

“No sir, I apologize, but we’re out of slushies.”

“What about the lemonade?”

“Sir, like I just said, we’re out of slushie mix.”

“So you’re completely out of slushies?”

“Yes sir, that’s what I just said.”

and then when I gave you your change, you YANKED the bill out of my hand.

Like listen you fucking ignorant shit, you can’t be mad at me after I tried being polite multiple times and warned you multiple times and then get frustrated with you because you kept asking inane stupid fucking questions holding up my line of 20 OTHER CUSTOMERS

I hope that guy tripped later on that day and ate shit. God that pissed me off.

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

Shit. I honestly hate my body in general. I guess my eyes can be pretty nice sometimes, but the light has to be hitting me in the right way. My eys are dark brown so you can’t really see a whole lot. I’ve always wished I had a different eye colour.

That, and I’m pretty tall for a Filipino dude, I think. Taller ones are growing up in Toronto now, but a lot that I see still are like 5′6″ or shorter. Being 5′8″ ain’t too bad.

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

Not????? really???? I think? Like really anything that I could be remotely good at is already something I share publicly (which would be making music really but I haven’t even been doing that.)

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

Honestly, it’d just be the cold cut combo sandwich setup from Subway I always get except also with ham and a shit ton of bacon added, really. I get it cheese and toasted with Italians Herbs and Cheese, lettuce, tomato, red onions, cucumbers, mayo, and chipotle sauce.

I’m a simple man. The greatest sandwiches I ever have are from Subway because I never have sandwiches otherwise.

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

fucking nowhere I have work dude and I get no shifts during tourist off-season I’m working as much as I can while I can

for the sake of funsies, and I know it’d sound boring, but I’d either pick California/Los Angeles or Florida. I’m not in a rush to go overseas because I feel that’d require a lot more planning and possibly learning phrases in a new language. I have family in California and friends in Florida so I wouldn’t have to worry about being alone, the Canadian dollar is weak as shit compared to the USD so I could buy things on the cheap there, and it wouldn’t be as huge of a culture shock while still being new to me (because I barely explored California with my family the one time I went because we did VERY tourist-y things.)

Also portions. I fucking inhale food, dude. Give me those US portions for meals CHEAPER than here in Canada, holy god.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

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No littering. Fuck y’all, if I’m creating my own society, I’m not letting SAVAGES in that don’t know how to clean up after themselves and throw things out properly. We’re keeping it clean here.

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

It’s gotta be my laptop just because it’s the most expensive thing I own that I deeply care about. I could eventually afford another PS4, I don’t need a glamorous TV or anything, and I only upgraded to the iPhone 6 because my mom got a deal on it for $100. I could use that as an excuse to switch to Android.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

To avoid a cop-out and using California as an answer AGAIN, I think I’d really like a place in the Philippines. Not deep inner city though. Like, further away in the quieter cramped backalley houses like the one one of my aunts has there. I don’t want to be completely out in the country either.

I’d want to be able to get into the inner city relatively easily, and I want to really feel in tune with the background country more!

34. What was your last dream about?

Oh god, what was the last dream I even remember? I get so bad at remembering them now. OH NOW I REMEMBER PART OF ONE. I forgot most of it but I know at some point I ended up in the back of a large sorta hippie van? Like the back seats were removed and the back was all lined up tons of nice rugs and blankets and decorations. There were a few of my college classmates lying there with me and I was cuddling with one of them. That was a nice part of the dream I remember.

I don’t have dramatic or weird dreams. A lot of my dreams are just stuff like this. I’m really fucking romantically lonely I want physical intimacy ugggggggggggggggggh

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

Oh yeah, at least three times. I already have to visit a hospital fairly frequently for my diabetes. First time was when I was just diagnosed with T1 Diabetes, and the second and third times were when I was in danger of DKA because I wasn’t taking my insulin. Second time was worse than the third. My nurses weren’t happy both times though.

38. What is the color of your socks?

I’m not wearing socks right now! I don’t wear socks at home unless I find it cold.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

Sunsets, since I’m not a morning person. Both are pretty though!

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

Is this that newfangled Sportsball I always hear about? I’m not hip with the times yo, sorry.

No seriously I really don’t care about sports and the only ones I MIGHT care a tiny bit about are my local ones like the Blue Jays and Raptors, and that’s just out of a sense of Canadian/Torontonian pride more than anything.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

lol whoops I dropped out

dream goal is still to be a music producer and DJ. If that doesn’t end up panning out, I’d still like to go into something involving music or audio engineering. Sound mixing for TV/movies maybe? Doing front-of-house mixing for concerts and raves would be cool too.

46. Are you reliable?

I like to think so, but I know I slip up a lot sometimes.

48. Do you hold grudges?

To be honest, yeah, I still do. I can be pretty fucking bitter about things from my past.

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

Not the MOST, but this just happened a couple weeks ago (and it wasn’t really a conversation but whatever)

A woman came up to me while I was on cash wanting to buy something. She was holding a Canadian $20 in her hand. She approaches me, looks at her bill confused, looks up at me again, and asks “Do you guys accept cash?”

Like???????????? nothing has ever taken me that far aback before????? like I don’t????? what??? the fuck like miss??????? miss we are an establishment that provides goods for currency??????????????? damn I HOPE we accept cash at this physical shop because we’d probably come across some issues with our customers

This happened weeks ago and I still bring it up to people. It still bewilders the fuck out of me. What would possess people to think a physical store would not accept cash? What has troubled you in the past that would lead you to think that this cashier and this till you walked up to would ONLY accept debit/credit cards? Holy fuck.

52. How long could you go without talking?

To another person physically? A good while, I think. Probably a week, two weeks tops. I’ve stayed inside my apartment for a week straight before and I swear I barely talked to my mom too.

If talking to myself counts, than maybe a couple hours. Maybe. I talk and make comments to/by myself a lot.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

God no. I’d probably be trash at baking stuff. I’m surprised I can manage some stuff on the stovetop.

56. What do you like on your toast?

Butter/margarine for the most part. I’m a simple person. I could say peanut butter and jelly too, but it’s actually been over a year or so since I’ve had a PB&J.

58. What would be you dream car?

One that worked, was fairly stable, and had a damn good audio system.

I’m not really a car person, I really wouldn’t give too much of a shit what the car was. Maybe not a pick-up truck or a mini-van though, and that’s really it.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

Not in the stereotypical image of “aliens”, but I definitely believe that the universe is too fucking huge and operates on too massive a scale for there to not be any type of intelligent life somewhere else at SOME place.

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

Either A or M. A’s probably my favourite vowel, and for some reason “LMNOP” is my favourite part of the classic Alphabet song, and M is the letter I like the best out of that section.

64. What do you think about babies?

Babies can be super cute and adorable sometimes! Other times though? Devil spawn. They can be double-edged swords sometimes.

[therunningpa]

New job & night shift novella

So I’ve been at a new job the past 6 weeks. I’m still a hospitalist, but I’ve moved to night shift. It’s a long story for another time, but basically I was getting burned out and it was either change shifts or move to a different department altogether. Because I love IM so much I am desperately clinging to it for the time being. In my current role, I only do new admissions and consults.

Since I only post now, like, once a year I figured I might as well write a nice long story for you guys! Because also, when have I kept things short, ever?

So, here you go, a narrative of my day (night?).

I leave my house, clutching my tote of Campbell’s Double Noodle soup cans, rice crackers, and Gatorade. I kiss my husband, tell him I love him, and remind him to please finish cleaning the kitchen for me. He needs a lot of reminding. I need a lot of therapy. We’ve had a lot of therapy. It’s been a year sober for him and the anniversary has been hard, bringing back the guilt big time. It’s been more down days than usual the past month and as I leave the house I can only hope I won’t get any liver patients or alcoholics tonight.

I pull in to the hospital, badge in through various doors, end up in the office. The day shift is coming to a close. “Hey!” my coworkers greet me, “Feeling better?”

“Tons! Not a hundred percent but good enough for active duty.”

My terrible med seeking external ED dump patient from earlier this week had given me her norovirus. I’d spent the previous night out sick, puking and near-syncopizing. (FYI- use the bleach wipes next time!!)

I check in with the three physicians I’m working with that night. One, a seasoned night shifter, a quiet man I dub “The Machine” because of his deftness and ease at admitting patients. One, a seasoned nocturnist, another quiet and confident man who could run a thousand codes without screaming “fuck!” not even once. The third, an exceedingly nice new residency graduate who recently started with us and is probably reconsidering the job after his first week on nights. They have a lot of patients coming from outlying facilities, but no one arrived yet.

I sit around for an hour and a half, check emails, clear my inbox of the previous day’s results and check up on a few of those patients, eat a cup of noodles, rub my belly, think about how I shouldn’t have had coffee, then, all at once, I have 3 admissions I’m called to see. Yes, it’s true, they really all do come at once.

I triage them, and go see first an unfortunate lady who is bleeding and clotting. Or rather, likely to bleed. She has a genetic disorder predisposing her to clots and bleeding, and has come in with chest pain. The chest CT showed a pulmonary embolism, one in each lung. I’d hoped they’d be subsegmental, but they weren’t. I meet with her, spend a long time talking. I tell her I’ll call the hematologist and get back to her. I put out a page.

I jump up to the orthopedics floor to see my next patient, a 73 year old lady with COPD and osteoporosis who fell down the stairs at home and probably broke her sacrum. She’s straightforward enough, other than saying she’s intolerant to everything IV opioid except fentanyl. Which she’s not going to get outside of the ED. I write for oxycodone and IV ketorolac and pray her pending labs show normal renal function.

The hematologist pages me while I’m writing patient 2′s note. He recommends a heparin drip, so it can be turned off quickly if patient 1 starts to bleed. He also says he has no idea what to do with her after that, as far as a long term plan. I text my attending and let him know the plan for tonight. While I’m finishing my note, he texts me back an SOS that patient 1 is refusing heparin because she’s afraid of bleeding.

I go back to the ED, I print out UpToDate, visit the poor lady with the PEs again. I talk about risks and benefits, types of heparin. She has some cognitive impairments from a stroke, but she gets it enough that she has capacity. She still declines the heparin, wants us to “watch her” overnight in the hospital though. I check in with bed control, ask for an IMCU bed since she’s refusing blood thinners, and am told there are no ICU beds left. She’ll have to go to the regular floor.

My third patient is a prisoner with history of peptic ulcers and GI bleed coming in with worsening anemia. Actually, he never shows up from the outside hospital because of some officer conflict. His name gets handed off to the next shift.

Fourth patient shows up in the IMCU, from an outside hospital. The notes he comes with are scanty. Acute on chronic hyponatremia, ?dementia. Hypotensive. Weak. I hope he can give me some history. When I walk in he tells me he’s in a hotel in a different state and doesn’t remember how he got here. He denies any symptoms or concerns. It’s 11 pm, but I dial his elderly wife and bless her, she’s up, and gives me the full scoop. He ends up with a slew of labs, head CT, cardiac echocardiogram.

Fifth patient was not supposed to be admitted. Just discharged 2 days ago with COPD flare, end stage COPD on home oxygen. I read the ED notes in the chart, indicating the family demanded the patient be admitted because they are unhappy and that we are being investigated for discharging her too soon, or was it the nursing home was being investigated for not taking care of her the past 2 days? Or both? The discharge summary from my PA colleague indicates the patient refused hospice the last stay. Awww nawwww. I go and see her. It’s late and at least that means the angry family has gone away. I sit with the patient, she’s very anxious, I’ve taken care of her before. I listen for a long time, answer questions, sometimes the same question over and over. She eventually admits her memory ain’t so good anymore. She then marvels “you’ve asked me more questions than anyone else has today”. I hope that’s a good thing. I go through her extensive workup and again conclude that “I am so sorry, but what you have is not fixable. I think we need to focus on trying to get your symptoms better, but we can’t cure you”. She agrees to at least have a palliative care consult. She grumbles about her bad nursing home experience and says her family called to have the bed held for the following day. I waggle my eyebrows at her “You know, if you don’t hold the bed they’ll give it up and then you’ll have to be here through the weekend and then we can see if your preferred nursing home has a spot now, But, you didn’t hear that from me!” She beams. Somewhere, a social worker has rolled over in their grave and pledges to haunt me in my dreams tonight.

I run up to my office again and eat some more noodles, drink Gatorade, rub my gastroparetic-feeling tummy, and finish up my notes just as one of the physicians strides in with a cardiology consult for a patient who just had a STEMI, now in the coronary ICU. They were found to have multivessel coronary artery disease, received a stent. “Should be easy” he says, “Cardiology has done everything!”.

Except, they haven’t. Patient is from outside our system. Needs an entire medical record update. I also notice his blood sugar is > 300 and there’s no insulin ordered. I add “Type 2 Diabetes” to his problem list. I go in and see him, expecting him to be asleep at 1:30 in the morning, but he is wide awake and surrounded by family. He’s a good soul, we have a long talk about diabetes. His wife has a lot of cardiac questions and try to answer as able. His nurse pops in. “His blood pressure is greater than 150 and they want him under that post cath. There’s no medications ordered”. I step out, sigh. Honestly, I have no idea what cardiology does or does not want for an antihypertensive in their post cath patient. I have a sneaking suspicion it also varies widely by the cardiologist. I wish they would order this shit on their people already. I’m just here for the diabeet-us. Gah! 

“What do they usually do for the post cath protocol?” I wonder out loud.

“How about some PO metropolol?” a nurse asks.

I make a face “Really? They do that?”

The nurse looks horrified “Um, yeah, all MIs should be getting that!”

I shake my head “No, I know that, that’s not what I meant, I just mean it’s not going to act rapidly and it’s not going to do much, I mean maybe IV metoprolol but-”

She looks further horrified “No, they never do IV!”

I wanted to say “but I would never give that”, finishing my thought, but instead I shrug and give up. “I’ll ask the attending.” 

I don’t work in the ICUs that often, and I especially don’t know the night crew being new at this job. It’s true what they say, sometimes you need to earn your stripes with some ICU staff, especially if you’re a PA. Also, goddammit cardiology, order your antihypertensives! And beta blockers! And statins! (Also, I love you my cardiology people out there, please don’t take my 2 AM thoughts too seriously to heart, ok?)

I trudge back to my office, finish writing notes and checking labs and imaging that have come back. The demented hyponatremic guy does not have a brain bleed. The COPD flare bounce back has a normal procalcitonin. The untreated PE has normal blood pressures. Broken sacrum indeed does have normal renal function. I order new labs for the day crew. I report out to my docs. Around 3:30 AM I hang up my coat, collect my soup and Gatorade cans to recycle, and stumble out the cold wintry parking garage. I cast a few glances, good, no creepers trolling about, get in my car, and drive home.

I drive through the industrial part of the city and through spotlights and fog I see that the operations are already going at this ungodly hour. Backstreet Boys is playing on the radio. I pull into the back alley outside my house. I tentatively feel my way through the backyard, trying not to fall on my ass on the ice over our sidewalk, like I did the other night. I slip inside, and am completely delighted to see that not only has the kitchen been cleaned but there’s a loaf of homemade banana bread sitting out, steaming a little still. I hear a soft pitter-patter and my puppy steals down the stairwell to greet me. She wiggles from head to toe and jumps on me, playfully stealing my lanyard of keys and running away, shaking them. I took her home one day from a rescue this past summer, pretty much against my husband’s will, and I secretly believe she at least 75% the reason his depression lifted. He now agrees. I let her out to pee, then tread upstairs and wash my face and put on my pajamas, kiss my sleeping husband. I’m too wired to sleep though, maybe because I spent the last day and a half sleeping off the norovirus, so I go back downstairs, eat some banana bread, and start to write.

[tessatechaitea]

Batwoman #1

With all the pussy eating within the Rebirth issue, you'd think at least some of Batwoman's head would be full of oral sex and rim jobs.

Take a whole fist up her vagina?

Batwoman is currently hunting terrorists who have a serum that turns the user into monsters. That's probably going to be the premise of this comic book for the first five or six issues. Hopefully it'll change by then because I'm already bored with the conceit. Seeing people turn into monsters? Could that be a chance for Batwoman to reflect on her own actions? Will she question how much of a monster she'll become in the name of justice? Also, I mean, the whole "hero hunting down bad people" story is so old. It's like the only story comic books ever tell! What about a story about a hero hunting down the perfect cup of coffee? Instead of snatching the syringe out of the terrorist's hand so that he can't transform into a monster and kill a bunch of people as they battle, Batwoman throws him across the market where the syringe is suddenly too far away from her snatching ability. Oh! Is using the word snatch close enough to a pussy eating innuendo? I mean, I know I didn't say anything about eating but, come on! Snatch! Remember how there was a Bandersnatch in the Jabberwocky poem? That was funny. Anyway, the terrorist injects himself with Monster Venom and Batwoman is all, "Oh man! If only I could have stopped this from happening!" She says it really loudly so everybody can hear and then they'll all shake their heads and go, "Yeah, yeah! If only she could have stopped this from happening! It was totally out of her control the moment she threw the guy too far away from her instead of just taking the syringe!" Then the Daily Planet headline will be all "Batwoman Fucks Up!" I mean, the Gotham Gazette headline will read, "Batwoman Totally Does All She Can And Still Five Hundred People Dead! Totes Not Her Fault!" Batwoman isn't working alone. She's got Julia Pennyworth doing the Alfred Pennyworth job for her. No, that doesn't mean Julia cooks food that Batwoman never eats. It just means she says sassy and snarky things on the other end of the communicator.

Everybody but Batwoman knew he was going to monster up! She thought he was just giving himself an insulin injection.

Julia and Kate seem to have a more intimate relationship than Bruce and Alfred. I mean, sure, everybody in the world has a more intimate relationships with everybody else in the world than Bruce has with Alfred. But I mean intimate in a more pussy eating way.

Doing the dishes is innuendo, right? Like "licking a plate clean"?

Julia seems a little bit unsatisfied, mentioning that Kate often skimps out on "chores". I see the problem in their relationship already! Who would call eating ass a chore?! I was tired of typing "eating pussy" and then I thought, "A-ha! You know what is just as good? Eating ass!" It's also classier, I think. A woman appears and kills the monster man just as Batwoman is interrogating him. All Kate gets out of him before he's killed is "The many arms of death." The murderer gets away but leaves a knife behind so that Batwoman can find her later. I bet she has lots of dirty dishes. Kate Kane has a sophisticated computer system in her Bat-Yacht. It can do almost anything! But don't worry, it's not like a normal comic book where you're just expected to believe everything without a good scientific reason. Julia makes sure to let everybody know that this computer can do unimaginably impressive things because "it's been the 21st century for awhile now." That's good enough for me! Now when the computer tracks down the origin point of the knife to the island nation of Coryana by the process of 21st century technology, I don't have to put my face through the wall while screaming, "WHY NOT JUST DRIVE A FUCKING MOTORCYCLE UP THE SIDE OF A BUILDING?!" By the way, Coryana is where Kate spent her lost year in her early twenties. She broke up with the woman who runs the place (Safiyah or something. Anyway, it sounded like Sappho for particularly apt pussy eating reasons) but her ex didn't exactly like the idea of being broken up with. I bet the assassin's knife was meant for Kate! Not all assassins in comic books can be perfect killers who always do their job because their reputation is at stake. Some of them have to be sub-par wanna-bes. Kate and Julia head to Coryana so Kate can get his whole Safiyah Nemesis story out of the way right off the bat. You'd think Bennett and Tynion would have kept it looming in the background for awhile but I guess they're the type of person who jumps into bed just looking to blow the load as quickly as possible so they can get back to playing video games. The Ranking! No change! I hope the second issue is as uninteresting as this one so I can drop this series! Not because I don't like Batwoman. The New 52 Batwoman series was terrific until the writer and artist quit. But I'm currently looking for any excuse to drop as many comic books as possible.

[old-nosaviors]

here’s the short version of the last two days:

had a freakout in the middle of the night on tuesday–>wednesday because i couldn’t sleep

texted joe (at 4am NC time) cause i wanted to kill myself. stupid, i know, but god, i felt awful. i really wanted to wake my dad up but i knew if i did, i was gonna start crying, and i didn’t want him to get scared. 

cancelled my flight to LA with demi and ben cause i intended to be dead in the morning

wound up leaving around 4:15am with nothing but my wallet and the clothes i was wearing. so, a tshirt, a pair of pajama pants, and my car keys. i drove aimlessly and only stopped when i saw signs for gatlinburg. 

found some motel right off the highway and fell asleep around 9am. when i woke up at 7 something, i had a ton of missed calls, but the only person i actually contacted was ben. he was freaked as fuck but trying not to show it, and i actually fell asleep talking to him, which didn’t help things. i was fucking freezing cause i was out of insulin (i told them i was running out, but that was a lie. i was already way out), and i fell asleep on the bathroom floor with the shower running. (i wanted to shower so i could get warm, but i was scared i was gonna fall so i sat with my hands in the warm water til i laid down.)

joseph flew out to North Carolina in the middle of my freak-out and drove around looking for me. hearing that just killed me, because i know i had to have scared the shit out of him for him to do that, and i feel really bad. but he didn’t rat me out to mom and dad, which was a big deal. i dont know if he didn’t believe me - like, that i wouldn’t do it - or what, but i thought that i wasn’t gonna be able to tell him stuff after this, and that’s not the case. he’s the best brother in the universe.

i was sleeping without stopping and i was really dizzy and i felt so cold, and eventually joe got ahold of me and suggested i get some medical help. at that point, i felt so bad that i just did it, but only after i made sure they wouldn’t drag me to the ER. i don’t know what the fuck i’d do without my brother. ben had been giving me the same advice for an hour, and i didn’t listen. and then joseph said it ONE TIME and it was like magic. 

the manager of the motel brought me orange juice and a granola bar, and they gave me enough insulin for 24 hours, and i booked a flight back to LA and ordered flowers for the motel’s front desk that are supposed to get there tomorrow. 

demi picked me up from the airport. we’re on our way back to her house now. i’m writing this so i don’t fall asleep again.