#getting some road chode

[reidsprague]

Hey, Tumblr peeps. I'm having an extremely difficult time finding a job and i want to be rich to afford traveling with a loved one and eating fancy dinners and the like, so I'm wondering if you'll donate and share this, just to make someone you don't know rich beyond his wildest imaginings. I don't really want to go into detail about how fucked up life has been, but if you donate, I guarantee you I will try to spend money like a famous rap sensation or some type of money spending monster or like a normal human with lots of money. I will even post pics of me spending the money, you cannot lose! I can also start posting some of my fiction, I have one called the king of Bangkok that is somewhat humorous and unfinished. Anyhow, if you all make me rich, I promise to eat several gyros in your honor and make a meme of a crossup of nude Jeff foxworthy and Jayme Foxx, jayme foxworthy. Please share! Oh, I also don't have a phone with service, I'm using McDonald's WiFi, so... Help meeeeeeeeeee!!! Haha.

[theotherwesley]

So I'm visiting my folks in Idaho and I need you all to understand what the drive through Washington -> Idaho -> Montana -> Idaho Again was like because it was surreal.

First, you have to understand that we hit a truly Kafkaesque amount of roadwork across three separate states. This is important context because you need to imagine everything else that happened happening while driving 30mph through a construction zone.

This is a picture-heavy tale. Bear with me, you will want to see the end.

We start off-- gorgeous day in WA state, we're lookin green, we're lookin hydrated, and ooooh looks like we might hit some Weather up ahead haha! (This is called 'foreshadowing'.)

The rabbits express their extreme displeasure with the situation by wishing death upon me with their eyes.

We go through the ID panhandle and it's a beautiful drive-- roadwork, every step of the way. (I neglected to take pictures of this part because I was Sleepy.) There was a huge amount of wildlife running and flying around; saw lots of antelope and deer (including the one that jumped RIGHT in front of the car as soon as it got dark), a blue heron, a crane, definitely saw a bald eagle just sitting in the middle of a field looking confused.

THEN: Montana. First thing we see, in the middle of Nowhereville Mountain Farmington is a big rolling field with a tractor flying THE BIGGEST PRIDE FLAG YOU CAN IMAGINE. The fact that I didn't catch a photo of it is going to haunt me til the end of days. Rural America is not all bad; you must consider the Mountain Lesbians.

Big Rocks, Big Weather:

The landscape remains impressive and we seem to be driving into every storm in the country, with the sun at our back the whole time. We had rainbows on our tractors, and rainbows pretty much continuously for the whole journey. It was a Gay Odyssey.

We had everything from barely visible misty rainbows to electric neon rainbows to full rainbow arches to Double Rainbows Going All Across The Sky (on THREE separate occasions) to little chode rainbows, doing their best.

The Chode Rainbows:

Bonus Wesley Dad Cameo under the full rainbow bridge:

MEANWHILE, THE WEATHER:

Increasingly beautiful, increasingly ominous. Golden hour has lasted for like 20 hours? Is this normal? I'm calling the doctor. (Note the construction cones.)

Oh.

And are we stuck in a 30mph construction zone? HABsolutely!

Rainbows happening at the same time as the lightning and the road construction, naturally.

Okay wait nevermind, THIS is golden hour:

The sky has some kind of dragon in it, so that's cool.

Like, what is this. Like what kind of mystic portent shit is this. This is some kind of Sky Phoenix. Lightning has been striking on either side of the car for half an hour. There's a thing in the distance that might be a tornado. I am worried for my life. We might get raptured. We've seen twenty different kinds of rainbow. I'm trying to take photos of what seems to be the Götterdämmerung taking place a hundred miles from my home town through a bug-spattered windshield.

Anyway, we got home and I get to see this idiot again:

We did not get raptured or devoured by the world serpent, The End.

[keyofw]

CW: Misogyny, incels

Back in 2020, I finished the first draft of a musical, and because the timing could not have been poorer, I've been essentially sitting on it and waiting for places to open submissions while I do minor revisions. So I made a full demo of the show and have decided to actually share the whole thing, piece by piece (it's also available on streaming services because I am that vain).

My snarky elevator pitch is that it's about the first ever incel to go to therapy. Or even better, a harem anime meets A Beautiful Mind.

(Where there are discrepancies between script and audio, script is correct. I also don't speak all the dialogue.)

3. Here Come Chad and the Stacies

(A synth riff sounds in the distance. Only NIKO hears and reacts.)

MAX Your roommate’s name is Chad?

(A second riff, closer this time.)

NIKO Yeah. Wait, no. I mean, he’s a Chad, you know?

(A third riff, full volume.)

MAX Hm. Can’t say I do. Are you two close?

(With a drum fill, the full music begins suddenly as CHAD bursts into the room. He is late-20s to early-30s, the conventionally ideal image of a man. Only NIKO can see or hear him. CHAD poses for the audience before taking his place at a mic up front.)

CHAD HEY YOU, ARE YOU SAD THAT YOUR BED IS TOO COLD? HEY YOU, ARE YOU SCARED THAT YOU’RE GETTING TOO OLD? DON’T BE, LOOK TO ME AND YOU’LL SEE WHO IS THE GREATER MALE.

HEY YOU, DO YOU FEEL YOUR EXPERIENCE IS LACKING? ARE YOU STRESSED ABOUT THE EQUIPMENT YOU’RE PACKING? TOUGH BEANS ON THE GENES, WHAT IT MEANS:

(He goes up to sing directly to NIKO.)

YOU’RE A BETA MALE, GOT YOU DEAD TO RIGHTS. YOU’RE THE BIG BROWN STAIN ON YOUR TIGHTY-WHITES. WITH A FACE LIKE THAT, MAKES THE LADIES CRY, IT’S NO WONDER YOU ALWAYS WANNA DIE. I’M THE ALPHA DOG, WOMEN FALL IN LINE. TAKE THEM AS THEY COME, EVEN TWO AT A TIME.

(The two STACIES enter, dressed as cheerleaders. They are also late-20s to early-30s and conventionally attractive women, dressed to remove as much individuality from them as possible.)

HERE COME CHAD AND THE STACIES. HERE COME THE KING OF THE LADIES.

STACIES HERE COME CHAD AND THE STACIES. HERE COME THE KING OF THE LADIES.

(The STACIES peel off to address NIKO directly.)

HEY YOU, DO YOU YEARN FOR SOME FEMALE AFFECTION? DO YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING WITH THAT ERECTION? DIE MAD, IT’S TOO BAD, WE LIKE CHAD!

(A cheer section begins and the STACIES clap along. CHAD addresses the audience.)

CHAD Now I don’t think this guy (indicating NIKO) even bothered to catch you up on the terminology. There’s a lot, but I’ll give you the basics. Chad and Stacy, they aren’t names. They’re things.

A CHAD IS A BAD BOY WHO SLEEPS WITH A STACY.

STACIES A CHAD IS A BAD BOY WHO SLEEPS WITH A STACY.

CHAD A STACY’S A LADY WHO SLEEPS WITH A CHAD.

STACIES A STACY’S A LADY WHO SLEEPS WITH A CHAD.

CHAD + STACIES THERE, THAT’S NOT SO BAD!

NO ROOM FOR THE NICE GUYS, NO MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.

STACIES STACY IS RACY,

CHAD CHAD’S A CHODE,

CHAD + STACIES BUT WE FOLLOW THE CODE: OUR LOVE ISN’T EARNED, IT’S OWED!

STACIES WHO’S GOING OUT WITH THE BAD BOY? LOOKS LIKE THE STACIES WITH CHAD, BOY.

CHAD HE’S GOT HIS LINEUP OF CHEAP WHORES CRAWLING BEHIND HIM ON ALL FOURS.

(CHAD and STACIES pull NIKO into their routine and dance around him. Suddenly the routine stops and the music calms down)

I INTIMIDATE, I BRING YOU TO SHAME. DO YOU EVEN KNOW, WHAT’S MY REAL NAME? CAN YOU EVEN TELL ALL MY GIRLS APART? HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU A LITTLE HEAD START?

(Indicating STACY #1.)

THAT ONE’S STACY,

(She dances as the music goes wild. Then CHAD indicates STACY #2.)

AND THAT ONE’S STACY.

(She does a similar dance. Then, all three of them dance progressively wilder as the music goes crazy, while NIKO tries their best to block out the noise.)

MAX Are you two close?

(Music halts briefly. CHAD and the STACIES wait expectantly..)

You and Chad? Would you say he is someone who... looks out for you?

CHAD + STACIES HELL NO!

(A final chord. CHAD and STACIES exit, laughing.)

MAX Okay, how about your parents? Do you still keep in touch with them?

[justsokaela]

I DESPISE THE INTERNET SO MUCH THESE DAYS

I hate: The part that fills my screens with ads pushing me to think about this or that thing, to feel angry or stressed in response to what I see, confused so I fall for the click bait and get scammed and probably hacked/fished for my personal information. I hate: The part that showcases just how hateful and ignorant and wrong so many people in the world are. Like how is it that some of the most "educated" individuals or groups in society today are so fucking stupid? Is this just my autism (still figuring all this out...) I hate: Feeling obligated to pay attention to every problem going on in the world because I do genuinely care about those issues, and want to stay updated so I can express that care authentically and from an informed position. But the fact that I feel so helpless to do anything about it - because we all know that voting and donating money doesn't do shit when entire governmental entities use not only legislation but military force to prevent aid and support from being accessible to those we are trying to send it to. The only thing we can do is spread awareness and complain about it loudly longer than those entities will keep trying to distract or wear us out from it? It's like a lawsuit. Lets just draw it out until people get too tired to protest and be upset. But, if I shut it all out. I'm a bad person. I feel almost FOMO because I'm not as aware of current events or behind on the goings on. Because I'm so caught up in the devastation and destruction of society around the world, I can hardly make time to care about the issues in my own town. But complaining about potholes not getting filled or protesting an undesired road build isn't nearly as important as people being deliberately oppressed and murdered and entire government entitties being filled with selfish greedy chodes for humans. I HATE How the internet is where bad people feel emboldened and entitled to say or encourage harmful behaviors towards individuals or groups who are literally doing nothing wrong. Like why is your business, Chad, to tell Fit Girl Janet that she looks like an ugly man because she has too many muscles? Why is it your business, Karen, that Nancy the Stay At Home Mom doesn't raise her kids the way YOU raised yours, so much that you have to call them names or encourage others to point, laugh and be overall nasty? I stand by this always: how you treat people online is how you actually are in real life. It doesn't matter if the whole town thinks you're a nice guy. It doesn't matter if your church can vouch for how generous and helpful you are. When you turn around and post garbage online, you are revealing your true colors. Doing nice things only to make people like you or get what you want erases the whole meaning of kindness entirely.

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

The "C" Word and My Family...?

I feel I need to disclose this part of the story first. I am not a "cool mom". Just ask any of my kids. I do still try to stay open as a family and try not keep too many unnecessary secrets. It can set up dishonesty as a standard for their future families, and that has been problematic with too many people we have known. We have an open dialogue about issues in the world, things they might not understand, and sometimes things that I need to be educated about. My kids all know they can ask me anything and I will do my best to give them an educated answer. If I don't know the answer, they know I will do my best to find it out for them. Nothing is too embarrassing for my kids to ask me in my house.

Having said all of that, my daughter Bree and I were having a kitchen conversation as I made dinner. She has heard me cuss before. It is not shocking. I have dropped some words stubbing my toe, stepping in dog pee, or nearly breaking my leg sliding across something in the floor. The point is, I have my go to favorite/old reliable expletives. There are some words I just don't use much. Not because I am too prudish, they are just not my usual words.

Every now and then, a new word will enter my life and I have to ask someone what it means. If I figure it out, I am compelled to approach my kids (creatively and stealthily), to see if they already had this knowledge/information.

Me: "So when Sampson and I went on our road trip, he laughed because I had to ask him what the "C" word was! He laughed so hard, but then I laughed because it IS kind of funny. I'm not going to say it, but it was funny to hear him say it."

Bree: "Was it Cock?" She didn't flinch or even whisper.

Me: "NO! What the Hell?" (Clearly that was not one of my words!)

Bree: "Was it Cunt?" Still speaking at her regular volume without hesitation...as if she said the word every day!

Me: "NO! Wow! You just said both of those things right here in my kitchen!" (Clearly this was not one of my go to words either).

Bree: "Well what was it then?" She stood looking mildly confused, then she began to laugh at my obvious dismay.

My mouth was wide open, and though I rarely show signs of shock or awe in front of people, (especially my kids). This one got me, for sure.

I gathered my composure.

Me: (whispering) "It was CHODE".

I thought my daughter was going to laugh herself to death. She nearly peed her pants. She obviously already knew the definition. This was not a big shocker, after the "cock" and "cunt" responses she so quickly spewed forth.

Bree shared our conversation later with her older brother and his girlfriend when she came over for dinner. They both laughed. His girlfriend even shared her own "chode" story (it isn't as bad as it sounds). She explained how she used to call her little brother a "chode" on a regular basis. I suddenly felt even older than I had felt when we had the first conversation. I had literally just learned the definition of this word recently. I am so uncool...'yes' and old.

My kids have always come to me for medical information, cooking problems, and, "hey where is that (shirt/pants/towel) thing that I need so I can take a shower or get ready to go somewhere?" In turn, I go to them for current slang and tech problems (sad but honest). From now on, the only way I will stay current is to ask my kids honest questions in real time as they come up.

I think we might have achieved a sort of nice, symbiotic balance between our generations. I hope the balance is there, because my daughter informed me when she was 9 or 10 that she WILL be putting me in a nursing home as soon as any signs of the need arise. She still "jokes" about it to this day.

God willing, I can and will stay current and without dementia. Amen.

[kforourke]

"You don’t know to treat the customer! You don’t know how to treat the Crypt Keeper!”

On the language of I Think You Should Leave (and how it’s not far from poetry, really, just bear with me)

The Tim Robinson-starring Netflix show I Think You Should Leave is frequently hilarious and just as frequently deeply strange; the show wouldn’t be frequently hilarious, or at least not as hilarious as frequently as it is, if it wasn’t frequently strange. And while the show’s sketches’ situations can be strange, more often it’s the language used in the sketches that’s what makes the sketches strange and hilarious.

Here’s an example from the show of language being used oddly. Emphasis mine.

“Are you Meredith’s mom?”

“I am.”

“I’m reeaallly worried about her...she’s been acting so weird lately. Like, did you just see that thing where she thinks I give a rat’s ass that her baby cried because it knows I used to be a piece of shit?”

“Did you used to be a piece of shit?”

“OH yeah! Slicked-back hair, white bathing suit, sloppy steaks, white couch...you would not have liked me back then!”

The final line is odd because the reasons Robinson’s character lists why he used to be a piece of shit make little sense both alone or together. Instead, they read like a list of random nouns and/or a word salad. And what exactly is a “sloppy steak”?*

I Think You Should Leave is full of examples like this, where language is used to odd and hilarious effect. And not simply language (i.e., words) itself, but also how language is used; there’s lots of shouting, frequently inappropriate shouting, on ITYSL. Such as the word “tables,” a lot, in the below sketch. “I CAN’T KNOW HOW TO HEAR ANYMORE ABOUT TABLES!”

But perhaps the most word-salady and absurd ITYSL sketch is the one below, where one woman’s attempt to post an adorably self-depreciating Instagram post goes poorly. Briefly, and you should just watch the thing, her repeated attempts to write a cute caption for her picture lead to ever-worse results. That Vanessa Bayer’s delivery is unfailingly cheery makes the gross nonsense she says even sillier.

“Eating crap with these sacks of shit, if they died tomorrow no one would shed a tear. So cute!”

“Slopping down some pig shit with these fat fucks and I’m the fattest of them all. If I died tomorrow, no one would shed a tear. Load my friggin’ lard carcass into the mud, no coffin please, just wet, wet mud. Bae!”

“Gulping down some pig dicks with these bags of meat, sunday funday with these pig dicks. Hope nobody gulps us!”

“Slurping down fish pits with these wet chodes, total tuna cans, put a bullet in their fucking brains and leave their wet bodies on the side of the road, boo caught me sleeping!”

“Sitting here with two bona fide pieces of hog shit...they’re mad because I won best hog at the hog shit snarfing contest, but I’m not mad because we’re all loads of beef, sitting on the side of the highway, getting our butts sucked by flies!”

So what, per the subtitle way above, do sketches about dirty tables and Instagram posts (and also how, in the universe of I Think You Should Leave, “pieces” of toilet paper are referred to as “slices” on more than one occasion, i.e., “too small a slice” which...isn’t...something people do) have to do with poetry?

It’s the abstraction, see. Language in ITYSL is often used ways divorced from its standard meaning and/or context, the effect of which is both bewildering and frequently hilarious in how discombobulating that bewilderment is. Laughter is a response to feeling uncomfortable, and vice versa.

The degree to which I, its audience, have felt bewildered by ITYSL’s language, and being so bewildered forced to make what sense of it I could of it, feels much like the bewilderment and pleasure experienced when reading (good) abstract poetry. Such as Ashbery’s Flow Chart, which made my head float several inches above my body, and the Language poet Lyn Hejinian’s My Life.

The latter book is written in “prose” but is decidedly not prose; Hejinian uses the form of prose to subvert prose’s usual job (and our expectation that it perform that job) of conveying information clearly. Here’s a section from My Life’s “Reason looks for two, then arranges it from there”:

It seemed that I didn’t, after all, want a birthday empty of sentimentality. It’s on the compulsive buyer’s rack up front. The real adversary of my determination was determinism, regulating and limiting the range and degree of difference between things of one day and things of the next. I got it from Darwin, Freud, and Marx. Not fragments but metonymy. Duration. Language makes tracks.

Then there’s Diane Seuss, whose unrhymed sonnets (”sonnets”) remind me of Hejinian but with fewer digressions. Here, in closing, is the first stanza of a sonnet from her most recent book, frank: sonnets. Notice how long it takes for the final (and only!) period to appear.

Poetry, the only father, landscape, moon, food, the bowl of clam chowder in Nahcotta, was I happy, mountains of oyster shells gleaming silver, poetry, the only gold, or is it, my breasts, feet, my hands, index finger, fingernail, hangnail, paper cut, what is divine, I drove to the sea, wandered aimlessly, I stared at my tree, I said in my mind there’s my tree, there’s my tree I said in my mind, I remember myself before words, thrilled at my parents’ touch, opened milkweed with no agenda, blew the fluff, no reaching for comparison, to be free of signification, wriggle out of the figurative itchy sweater, body, breasts, vulva, little cave of the uterus, clit, need, touch, come, I came before I knew what coming was, iambic pentameter, did I feel it, does language eclipse feeling, does it eclipse the eclipse.

...

Header screenshot via Netflix’s YouTube channel

*A sloppy steak = "It’s a steak with water dumped on it. It’s REALLY, REALLY good.”

[cheeseburgerfamily]

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[mzargentum]

The Stormsender’s Daughter | Chapter XXII | In Your Eyes

Chapter XXI | Chapter XXII | Chapter XXIII

Warnings: Light angst.

Word Count: 2,062

The sun was saying goodbye for the night.

The hours blended together.

Galahd had barely said a word since they left the village.

She merely stared toward the direction of the mountain range that was long gone.

Muerlin appeared to be asleep for most of the trip. her head leaned back over the side of the truck bed. Her elbows resting against it as well.

But was only in a light mediation.

Assuming the girl did not feel like speaking after the ordeal they faced, she didn’t find much reason to intervene with her moments of peace.

After a while, the subtle lull of the truck roaming over the gravel roads nearly had Muerlin dozing off.

Realizing this, she stirred herself from slumber, finally speaking to the distant girl desperately trying to stay awake. 

“How long’re you gonna stare at nothing?”

The wizard stretched her limbs. Briefly catching a mere side eye from the girl.

She didn’t respond.

“What? You think Dion and Birdie’s ghost is gonna come eat you or something?”

“I’m sorry, is there a dualhorn nearby or is that you speaking?,” the girl retorted in irritation.

“Nahh, just me,” the wizard casually responded to the insult. “If it was a dualhorn, we’d be in for a fine feast tonight”.

The girl merely rolled her eyes.

“Y’know, it wouldn’t kill you to loosen up a little bit,” Muerlin smirked. “You are free, y’know”.

“What? And leave all the thinking to you?”, the girl scoffed. “No thanks I might as well go back”.

“Wouldn’t that make you gloriously thought out plan just a heaping pile of shit though?”, the wizard chuckled.

“Do you ever take anything seriously?!”, the girl finally turned toward the wizard and snapped.

“This is life or death, you know! We don’t have time to relax. We NEVER have time to relax! We have to remain on our toes at all times or who knows what kind of trouble you could get us into?!”

“Me? Really? Are you sure it’s not the girl screaming her head off right now about to blow our cover?”, the relaxed wizard beamed.

The girl now realizing she’s standing in the back of the truck.

The occupants of the few trucks beside them staring at her in suspicion and annoyance.

With cheeks flushed, she quickly returned to her seat crossing her arms.

“Idiot”, she growled under her breath sending the wizard into a light giggle fit.

“At any rate, it’s not like we can do much until we get to where we’re going”, Muerlin added, “which is where exactly?”

“This particular truck is sent to meet a small cargo vessel by the sea. That vessel will take us to the Kingdom of Lucis”.

“Hm, and how long will it take us to get to the vessel”.

“Some of these trucks make multiple stops despite their tight schedules. Most go back toward the villages within a few weeks time, but since this one goes further the trek will be more extensive”.

“Aaaaaand would it possibly be more effective if we hitched a ride from one of the stops?”

“Not likely because this truck goes such a distance, it makes more stops than everyone else, but this is the only truck that goes toward that vessel so our estimated time of arrival if we follow the precise schedule would be about a month”.

Muerlin blinked.

“...and we have no other option...?”

“Not if you want to be there quickly”.

“Hmm,” Muerlin scrunched up her nose.

“WELL! Not much to do now, but take a load off,” the wizard kicked her feet up and leaned back in the truck bed.

A light smile lifted upon the girl’s face as she shook her head.

Returning her milky gaze toward the dimming beam of light in the distant.

                                            _______________

The truck came to a stop at a small outpost once the sun fully laid itself to rest.

The outpost had a small cafe with a few bedrooms upstairs.

With the help of Birdie’s trusty coin pouch, so graciously swiped the night before her sudden departure, Galahd was able to secure the two of them dinner and a room with a single bed.

Once they finished their meal, the two collapsed onto their bed from utter exhaustion of the hectic past few days.

After a half an hour of resting their bones...

“Galahd...you asleep?,” Muerlin asked quietly.

“No”.

“I was hoping you could help me understand something”.

The former slave lifted her face from the plush bedding to see the wizard staring at the ceiling.

“S.R.,” the wizard started. The child narrowing her gaze. “You used it as a ploy for Dion to assume Birdie was the traitor, but...that can’t possibly be the other reason, can it?”

The girl said nothing.

“I mean...you spent all that time to conduct this plan and...well, it was an awesome plan and kind of scary honestly and then you spent so much time simply just trying to humiliate and ruin Dion rather than just kill him yourself”.

“So? What does that have to do with anything?”

“Like...you wanted to make him sweat and only kind of like...scary psycho people do that instead of just focusing on escaping. I mean, you could’ve just bolted on your own while Birdie was eating chode,” Galahd grimaced at the imagery.

“...but you went out of your way to basically ruin their reputations before they...well...got killed, which is friggin’ terrifying, but then you think of what kind of person is even capable of doing such a thing and honestly, you’d have to be the most scary, evil asshole ever to do something like that,” the girl glared at the rambling wizard.

“...and evil assholes usually like to parade around their success somehow by leaving some sort of clue, but not a stupid easy clue, one where the victim has no idea,” Galahd’s eyebrow raised at the wizard’s dramatized monologuing.

“...one where he starts scratching his head wondering, pining for the secret truth, but alas, he is but unable to crack the code to save himself from the feeble demise of himself and bird whore!!!”

“Is this going anywhere?!,” the agitated girl snapped.

Muerlin halted, turning toward her wide eyed.

“What was I talking about...?”

The girl blinked.

“OH, YEAH! S.R.”

The girl stared blankly.

“As clever as it was for fooling Mr. Sequins, as far as he knew the only people that had any idea about his plan to take me for himself were him and Big Bird. Besides, you said she seemed really bothered by him suddenly changing the plan at the last minute, right?”

“Yeah,” the girl replied, “it was the perfect reason for her to betray him”.

“So, given the circumstances, he would’ve suspected her anyway”, Muerlin rose her eyebrow toward the girl whom was giving a suspicious glare.

“So?”

“So going the extra mile that you did to justify his suspicions wasn’t really necessary unless you had an ulterior motive”.

The girl could see the wizard had practically caught on. Sitting up on the bed criss crossed with her hands in her lap.

“Like what?”

“You wanted him to know who did it”, the wizard smirked playfully as she sat up in the same position, leaning toward the girl.

“You’re S.R., aren’t you?”

Galahd’s eyes narrowed further.

Muerlin rose her eyebrow curiously.

“That’s the stupidest pile of crap I’ve ever heard”.

“HA! I knew it!”, Muerlin threw her arms in the air to stretch before plopping on the pillows with her hands behind her head. Her legs crossed.

“Shut up! You don’t know anything,” the girl griped.

“Whatever you say,” Muerlin grinned. “So, I assume it’s your real name? Which Dion must’ve not known, huh? Which is why he called you Galahd. Since you’re from there, I’d assume that’s where you’re trying to go”.

Unbeknownst to Muerlin, the girl began to shake.

“I take it you’ve got some family you’ve been dying to see after all this time,” the wizard continued.

Galahd’s breath hinged and her glare toward the silver haired maiden could chill the spirit of any daemon.

Muerlin leaned up from her position, a sentimental smile on her face as she reminisced on her time in Tenebrae, the only family she had ever known and had to abandon.

“I’m...sure they’d give anything to see you and they’d be over the moon once they do”.

“WHO EVEN ASKED YOU, ANYWAY?!”

Muerlin turned toward the girl, startled.

“Trying to talk to me like you know everything, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, HUH?!”

She stood on the bed, her body shaking violently.

Muerlin could see the redness appearing in her eyes.

“IN CASE YOU FORGOT, WE’RE NOT FRIENDS!! AND IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED, YOU AREN’T RAMUH!! YOU’RE JUST THE INCARNATION OF HIS BRAINDEAD HORNY DAUGHTER THAT ACTUALLY IS THE REASON WHY HER ENTIRE FAMILY AND KINGDOM WENT TO SHIT!!! YOU’RE ONLY EVEN HERE BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO STUPID TO KNOW HOW TO HANDLE YOURSELF IN A FUCKED UP SITUATION!!! WALKING AROUND LIKE EVERYTHING IS JUST PEACHY ALL THE TIME WHEN IT ISN’T!!! YOU DON’T KNOW THE HALF OF IT!!! YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING!!!”

Hoping off the bed, Galahd stormed toward the door to their room.

“And you never fucking will,” she angrily shouted as she slammed the door behind her, leaving Muerlin in the dark.

With a light sigh, Muerlin could only focus on the tears that fell from her eyes as she ranted.

Galahd didn’t even notice until she made her way outside the cafe. Completely ignoring the driver of the their truck as she rushed out.

She cursed herself lightly at the idea that Muerlin could have seen.

The wizard figured it would be best not to follow her. It’s not like she was particularly in the best position to run away so there was no need to worry about that.

But sleep was probably not going to happen for either of them tonight and accepting that, Muerlin resigned herself to head back down to the café.

Maybe she’d feel better over a some hot chocolate.

The driver, sitting at the bar, nodded with a kind smile at the girl whom returned with a smile and a light wave.

Once she received her order, Muerlin sat down by the window to watch the stars as she indulged in her soothing beverage.

With a light sigh, she turned her attention to her cup. The moonlight shining over the chocolatey liquid.

“Well, slow start, but...progress is progress”, she reassured herself.

Galahd sitting in a nearby tree gazing at the sky above where she recharge herself.

“Don’t worry...it won’t be much longer now...I promise...I’ll make him pay”.

Eventually the milky eyed girl made her way back to their room, so exhausted she once again ignored the man at the bar, to see Muerlin asleep in the arm chair near the bed.

With a light sigh and a whispered “idiot”, the girl gently placed a spare blanket over the exhausted mystic before getting into bed.

Instantly drifting off to her first good night’s sleep in 2 years.

                                            ______________

“Wait...did you just say the Pythoness?!”

A loud voice gasped in disbelief over a phone.

“Yeah, just hopped on the back of my truck outta nowhere”.

“Holy...this is unreal”.

“Yeah, she’s got some squirt with her with some weird lookin’ eyes. Paid me 300gil to get them outta town”.

“That must be S.R.! The imperials have been mentioning someone with the Pythoness with strange eyes. Apparently she’s murdered two people. I heard the imperials are saying shot a man in the head and fed a woman to a pack of albinogins”.

“You gotta be shittin’ me. And I’ve been carryin’ that nutcase around in my truck?!”

“Yeah, we better report it before something bad happens”.

“Aw, man...I don’t know they look like nice girls”.

“Heh! You call two murderers ‘nice girls’? Seriously?! I’m reporting it now before they kill somebody else”.

“Alright, alright...sheesh”.

“Trust me, by tomorrow, we won’t have to worry about a thing”.

“I hope you’re right...”.

The driver sighed before he returned the cafe phone to its holster, rubbing the back of his neck in uncertainty and shame.

“Hey, mate”, the cafe owner addressed him. “Everythin’ alright?”

“...dunno, friend”, the driver responded, “...but Gods I hope so”.

                                             _____________

Tagging: @digitalkanvas​ @completelyinappropriate​ @aquathemermaidstripper​ @glacian-apocalypse​ @a-new-recipehhh​

[zmediaoutlet]

freud’s for suckers

Title: freud’s for suckers Link: (AO3) Square Filled: Oral Fixation Ship: Sam/Dean Rating: E Tags: Season/Series 02, New Relationship, Curses, Oral Fixation      Summary: In between jobs, Sam and Dean are exploring their new dynamic when Sam gets afflicted with a fairly ridiculous problem. Word Count: 6,300 Created for @spnkinkbingo

Sam keeps picking at his cast, even though the last time Dean caught him at it he smacked Sam right over the back of his head. It's already in the itchy stage, and Dean gets it, but Sam knows better. "Hey," he says, and kicks Sam's ankle for good measure. "Stop it."

He gets a look, like it's him who's acting like a kid, but Sam puts the butter knife down and awkwardly folds his arms over his chest instead. "You find a case, yet?" Sam says, pretending like nothing happened.

Dean gives Sam a look right back, though he's sure he can't attain the heights of bitchface he's been graced with for the past—what, fifteen years? Sammy was a quick learner. "Working on it, Scratchy," he says, and that's—mostly true. Newspaper's all spread out on his side of the booth, and he's been reading. Sort of. "Genius takes time."

Sam raises his eyebrows. Luckily Dean's saved from the comeback by the waitress arriving again, plump and cheery. Cute dress covered in little flowers with a v-neck that's been very entertaining. They get coffee refills, and Dean gets a wink and the check, neatly totted up with a heart and a smiley face by the total. He smiles after her, bouncing away, but even if she was angling for a tip with her tip—

Sam's boot nudges against his, and Dean turns back to the newspaper. "Not looking like much around here," he says, and he should maybe feel guilty about not searching harder. He's just got… other things on his mind, right now, is all.

Creamer and a Sweet 'n' Low in his coffee and then Sam stirs slow, the spoon chiming along the ceramic. He glances at Dean, and then away out the window to the sunny mid-morning, and what had been an easy breakfast slips, somehow. These strangenesses. Dean takes a sip of his own coffee—black, because he's not froofy and ridiculous like some people—and there's a low-grade flutter of panic in his belly. What if it never stops being strange. What if it's ruined. What if.

Clink of ceramic on the table. When he looks up, Sam's licking his bottom lip, and he's not quick enough to hide where his eyes were. His cheeks are getting sort of pink. The waitress walks by again and Dean glances after her—it's a good butt, sue him—and when he glances back Sam's pressing his shoulders back against the high vinyl cushion of the booth, pretending to be casual. He's not very good at it.

"Maybe we could, uh," Sam says. His chin ducks, and he drags his knuckles along his jaw where he could really use a shave. His hair falls down in front of his eyes.

A bloom of oh makes Dean suck in a quick breath. "Yeah," Dean says. He drags the check over through the coffee-circles and sticky syrup and stands up, leaving the paper there for the waitress to figure out. A couple bills on the table and Sam levers himself out of the booth, abruptly in Dean's space with his breath on the back of Dean's neck, and Dean tries not to fall over right there in the middle of this very ordinary friendly diner. He doesn't think he called Sam brother the whole time they were here. God. What is the matter with him.

"Yeah," he says, barely out-loud, but Sam's fingers slip ticklish over the inside of his wrist and then away, and all he can think about then is the car, and getting to it, and not driving off the road before they get back to the dingy sprawl of the motel, and passing the day-maid who bobs mutely at them from behind her cart with a big white grin, and folding into the carefully dark interior of the room, and then closing the door and getting backed up against it with Sam's good hand soft on his jaw and the cast-heavy wrist laying against his chest, and. And. Everything goes out of Dean's head. Sam's knee bumps his and Dean doesn't want to look up. There's Sam's dumb flowery shirt and the t-shirt underneath it, his big brown jacket soft under Dean's fingers, his breath coffee-stained but sweet, too. His pink mouth, and the pink tongue that slips against it. He doesn't say anything but his thumb drags all the way along Dean's jaw to the very tip of his chin, and pushes up, and Dean lets the weight of his skull sit heavy, his neck loose, and when finally he has to meet Sam's eyes Sam frowns at him, for some reason, for a long awful second, but then—he dips down, his nose brushes Dean's, his hair tickling Dean's forehead. They breathe each other for a moment that makes Dean's pulse kick up like a ghost's in the room before their lips meet, and the weird tense relief makes Dean's fists go tight, even as something in the back of his brain softens, and lets go. Like settling into the Impala after a long day. Like a starry night, with nothing in it that has to be burned. Their lips move together, careful and a little wet. Sam's nose brushes familiarly against his cheek and Dean tips his head back against the door, curls his hands into Sam's jacket and tugs him closer, pulls him in, so that his stupid long heat covers Dean up head to toe. Sam's bad arm brackets Dean's head, and when he pulls back to breathe Dean lets his eyes slit open enough to see—yeah. Patchy blush all over, his expression still set in that goofy grateful surprise. Dean's got no room to talk—he's just as freaked, just as knocked over sideways by this whole thing—but still. Good to know he's not the only one.

They never—talked about it, is the thing. Never did anything. After—after Dad, after the poison in Dean's chest finally cracked open and he admitted how bad it was, they went and got a cast put on Sam's arm and there was drinking, and then more drinking, and then it was—a blur, sort of.

The thing is: that's a lie. Some parts of the night are foggy. Some parts Dean really doesn't remember. The parts he does remember, though, they sit so hot and siren-loud and clear in his chest that he can hardly believe it. He's had a pretty crazy run, so far, but he's never felt so drenched in life. Everywhere they touched, an electrocution. He could've scrambled away after, could've just shot himself in the head and thrown the sacrifice that kept him here out the window, only Sam clutched him close and pinned him down and told him, I thought—I thought you'd never—­and, well. He promised not to leave Sammy alone. He's not going to break that oath, at least. It's the only one that matters.

They wake up again in the late afternoon, tangled up in bed, Sam's cast a really terrible pillow. Dean shoves him off and takes a shower, and then when he gets out Sam's yawning and hungry, and so then it's back to the diner. Dean gets the cheeseburger special, and Sam gets bone-white chicken with greyish broccoli—yum—and then there's still a bunch of hours left in the day and Dean's not in a hurry to pick up and leave town, and so they might as well get some chores done. The Impala could use an oil change, and a wash; they need salt and bullets and Dean's down to his last pair of jeans, and Sam's better knife snapped in a tree-trunk when they hunted the dryad last week, so. They split up. It's fine. Dean watches Sam amble off down the road toward the strip mall they passed a couple blocks down, and he chews on his lip watching the late-day light glint off Sam's hair, and then he realizes what kind of an absolute chode he's being. Oil change. That's the thing to focus on.

Sam comes back before Dean's done, and he sits on the sidewalk outside the room while Dean replaces spark plugs, tightens up the carb, does all the TLC the car still needs. Newly rebuilt and he's still trying to get to know her. Sam doesn't make fun of him for it, for once. He's reading another newspaper, sucking on a pen while he looks for a case or learns about the stock market or whatever the hell, and they don't talk, and that's okay. Sun's going down. It's a nice night.

When Dean lets the hood slam closed, he stretches in a long pull from the base of his spine all the way to his greasy fingers, and lets it go in a sigh. Okay. Car's good, and they've got supplies. "Wanna go pick up some cash?" Dean says, turning around. Sam blinks up at him, the pen halfway in his mouth. "Ew. You don't know where that thing has been."

"What?" Sam says, around the pen, and Dean rolls his eyes and says, "Come on, Linus," and Sam rolls his eyes right back but, look, Dean's still his brother, no matter what happens between them that doesn't change, and so he loads ol' bitchface into the car and takes them ten minutes down the road to that bar with the half-burnt out sign so the neon says TH DEPO, and oh hey, look at that, a bunch of guys playing darts for Dean to annihilate. Under duress Dean can admit that Sam's better, but he's got a handicap right now. Dean grins and Sam sighs. It'll feel good to show off.

Bar pretzels, two beers. Sam keeps playing the rim of his bottle over his lips, which. Dean has to physically turn around, watch the baseball on the TV on the other side of the bar. Another beer, and then he sends Sam off to totally fail, which he does beautifully, making the guys laugh. At their table Dean keeps a grin on, but it seems like the dudes are pretty good-natured. Good. Sam holds up his cast, grimaces, and then catches Dean's eye with one dimple sunk into his cheek, and Dean has to pack everything deep into his gut and comes over and goes, my buddy here's terrible at this, come on—you guys need me to show you how it's done?, his arm around Sam's too-high shoulders and tugging Sam down into his side, swaying like two tall trees in a too-strong wind. Grins from the guys, and a bet. Another bet. Easy, it's all so easy.

Fifty bucks richer—not much, but hey, gas and a couple of cheap breakfasts tomorrow. Not bad. Dean turns around to Sam's lips wrapped around another beer bottle, and the cheery victory in his chest plummets south to something a lot—well, a lot skankier, and then it's back to the motel and him and Sam making out for what feels like hours, years, Sam pinning him down against one of the beds with his legs dangling off the side and Sam heavy over his chest, their mouths shifting wet and slow and endless. Dean hasn't made out this much since high school. Didn't think it was something he'd have missed, but Sam—he pulls back from Dean's mouth at one point and licks his lips, his hair a fluffed-out halo around his head, and he grins so unexpectedly that Dean's chest pangs. Dean tugs him back down by the ears, kisses him again, and again, sucking kisses to his bottom lip, and Sam slides his thigh up over Dean's and hums. He sounds happy. Dean can hardly stand it.

Night and weird restless shifting dreams, dark woods and a coffin and banging frantically against the inside of a lid that won't shift, but then—it does. Morning. He wakes up bare-assed to the dawn creeping through the slit blinds, his face buried into the bed, and he feels weird and cold and kind of upset, except. "What," he mumbles, into the mattress, and has to slurp in air and drags his hand over his face, but his other hand is—

He cranes his neck the other way around, and Sam's curled up on the other side of the mattress in a t-shirt and boxers and a truly fucked up bedhead, and more important than all that he's got two of Dean's fingers in his mouth, his tongue sliding fat against the part between them and his teeth soft against the flesh. Dean pops a boner so fast he's surprised he doesn't have an aneurysm or something. Sam's got his eyes closed, his eyelashes a soft shadow in the greyish thin light, his cast tucked up against his own chest, and Dean curls his hips in against the bed, grinding mindlessly. God. Who knew little brother was such a freak—and just the thought, his stomach twinges strangely, the dream mostly gone but the strangeness still there. It doesn't make this any less hot, any less crazy-making, and Sam suckles softly against knuckles and Dean has to break the silence, he says, "Sammy," his breath puffing hot and tremulous, and Sam's eyes slide slowly open, his cheeks flushed and his lids heavy, and Dean might just come from the look on his face except that Sam's eyebrows swoop low after a second and he garbles some kind of nonsense around Dean's fingers, and coughs, and drags back with a painful scrape of teeth and says, "What the fuck."

"Ow!" Dean says, yanking his hand back. Sam scrubs at his mouth, pretty unflatteringly if Dean says so himself, because it's not like they haven't—you know—and Dean shakes his hand even though it doesn't hurt all that much, but damn, it's the principle. "What the fuck yourself, weirdo, you're not the one who woke up to finger-fellatio."

Sam wipes his wet mouth, pulls back and looks at his fingers. "I didn't," he starts, and then pushes up, dragging himself up to sit on his hip on the bed. "I, it wasn't on purpose, I must've been—dreaming, or something."

He's still frowning, hard enough that it screws his face up, and Dean feels his own face flush hot. His stupid dick is still fat and hopeful against the bed and he carefully turns the other way as he rolls upright. "Sorry to disappoint," he says, and he knows it's snippy and stupid, but. It's been good, so far. Hard to get reminded that Sam's trapped in this, as much as he is. Wasn't on purpose. Yeah. Sounds about right.

"Hey," Sam says, behind him, but Dean can't right now, he just—and he says, "I'm gonna take a shower, why don't you try and find a case or something on your laptop, huh?" and he's across the room and with the bathroom door closed behind him and his heart clanging weirdly inside his chest, a rhythm he's too familiar with. He kinda has to pee, now that he's upright, but he's still too hard for it to be comfortable. Damn Sam. He turns on the shower, since that's what he said he was gonna do, and he looks at himself for the minute it takes to get warm and finds himself a little puffy-faced, his hair all flat on one side, his eyes red. Shine of dried drool on his chin that he scrubs at. Gross. No wonder Sam didn't want—

The door slams open, catches his side with the bathroom so little. Sam looms in the doorway, thunder-faced. "Don't you dare," he says, nonsensically, and Dean says, clutching his banged-up side, "I know I taught you what knocking is—" but Sam grabs him by the hips and backs him against the sink and kisses him, hard enough to bend him back, his tongue shoving in like he owns the place. Ugh—god, morning-mouth, tastes like ass, but Dean grabs onto Sam's arms for balance and kisses right back, even with their teeth clacking painfully and the cold porcelain practically searing his bare ass. Ow. Sam's dick pushes fat against his through the thin warm cotton of his boxers, and Dean wriggles closer, opens up more. It'd be better if they'd both had a round of mouthwash, but not that much better. Sam sucks Dean's bottom lip, sets his teeth lightly into it, and Dean makes a dumb small noise deep in his chest. Sammy.

Sam pulls back, finally, his thumb coming up to sweep over the wet part of Dean's mouth. "You're an idiot," he says, quiet, and Dean finally opens his eyes to find Sam frowning at him again, but maybe. It's okay, maybe. His chest hurts, for no good reason. Sometimes it's just—hard to remember. They're in this together.

The shower's still running and it's starting to put out some steam, and right now that sounds way better than standing here on the cold-ass tile with his cold-ass ass, and he's thinking, maybe Sam wouldn't mind continuing this conversation in a warmer environment, when Sam's eyes drop to his mouth and he groans, and takes a step back.

"What?" Dean says. His voice comes out sounding weird. If this is another pause button he's gonna just have to take matters into his own hands.

"I've got, um," Sam says. He swipes his tongue over his lips, covers his mouth with one hand. "I want to just—"

Dean raises his eyebrows. Sam's staring at him, turning red, and this maybe is all new to them both but there's no reason for Sam to be that embarrassed. Hell, Dean's the one with the boner waving around in the open air. "What do you want?" Dean says. Softer than he meant. Sam's turning him into a sop.

Sam presses his fingers against his lips, hard enough that his nails go white, and shakes his head. He's—really pink, now, patchy all over. Dean reaches out, brushes his belly through his shirt, and Sam breathes out sharp through his nose. "That's the thing," he mumbles, against his fingers. "I don't want to—I've got to use the toilet, man, I'm not really turned on, but I want—"

Dean drops his eyes and, oh. Yeah, Sam's not really hard. He pulls back, frowning, and Sam groans, frustrated, and while Dean watches he—pops his thumb into his mouth and sucks, hard.

Dean breathes. "What," he says, after a few seconds.

Sam squeezes his eyes shut and slurps back off his thumb, his mouth wet and working. "Oh my god," he says, his knuckle pressing between his eyebrows, "can you—shit, can you just, can you get out for a second, I've got to—" and he waves his cast clumsily at Dean, waving him out of the bathroom, and the door slams into the frame with Dean on the other side of it, somehow. The shower's still running, pointlessly. Dean opens his mouth, and closes it again, and then he hears Sam groan behind the door and he scoots across the room as quick as he can. No one needs to hear that. Also, what?

"What?" Dean says, when the bathroom door opens again. Shower's off, toilet's flushed, and Sam's hair is damp and pushed back from his face. He's got his teeth dug into his lip and he shakes his head. "No, okay, hang on—what's going on with you? None of this business," he says, shaking his head ridiculously.

He gets a look, again. Too damn bad. Sam's tongue wets his lip and he hisses in a breath. "I can't stop, um." Sam's good hand goes up to his mouth again and his fingers tap at his lips, one two three, before he grabs them with his other hand and makes a pained face.

"What?" Dean says, hands on his hips. He's glad he's dressed, now. At least he's not the dumbest-looking person in the room. "You can't stop sucking?"

He means it like a joke. Sam's face collapsing in gratitude was not the desired result. "It's so weird, man," Sam says, and apparently doesn't care that Dean's mouth has fallen open. He drags his teeth over his lip again, and it's starting to look red, kind of chapped. "Ever since yesterday, I just—want. Something, in my mouth. Like my lips get… itchy, or whatever. I can't figure it out."

Dean's silent and Sam finally seems to notice. Bites both lips between his teeth, makes his mouth a flat bloodless line. "Okay, hang on," Dean says, at last, but—what the hell. It is way too early for this conversation. He rubs his hand over his own mouth and Sam's eyes go right to it, his brow knotting, and—oh, come on. Dean sits on the bed. "Is that why you keep…"

"Kissing you's a bonus," Sam says, scratchy, and. Okay. Whatever.

Dean still has to pee. He's still gross, from when Sam rubbed off all over his hip last night, his tongue in Dean's mouth the whole time, kissing him light-headed, kissing him until Dean's lips were so numb they buzzed. Not the worst weird affliction in the world, only… Sam's got his middle finger in his mouth, and doesn't seem to notice that he's doing it. Dean stares until Sam flushes and yanks his finger out with a pop. "Okay," Dean says, and has no idea what should come after. Well. First things first. "I'm gonna shower. You just, uh. Try to keep things PG for a few minutes, and I'll—we'll figure this out, okay? There's gotta be a reason you're going all Prince John."

Sam nods, looking down at the carpet. Dean crosses the room and snags a finger into the waistband of his boxers, and when Sam looks up Dean goes up on his toes a little and presses their lips together, soft. The groan Sam can't stop hits him right in the belly. He pulls back before Sam can lick his tonsils out, but then gives Sam another little kiss, wet and smoochy. "Tide you over, huh?" Dean says, and Sam blinks at him all bewildered, but Dean shuts himself into the bathroom right away. Sam can suck a pen or an empty bottle or his thumb, whatever. Dean presses down against his dick, chubbing up again already. Jesus. If he's going to help with this one he's got to clean the pipes. Sam's mouth's already looking wet and used. This is going to be—really, really bad for Dean's composure.

When Dean's clean and feeling a little calmer, he comes out of the bathroom already dressed to find Sam wearing jeans and his grey hoodie and sucking absently on a pencil while he reads on his laptop. His eyes flick up when Dean comes out, and drag straight down Dean's body, and Dean's ears go hot. Not all the way to calm, then. "I've been reading up on the lore," Sam says, though. It's a little garbled around the pencil.

"Thumbsuckers: Witching Edition?" Dean says. He raises his hands against the glare. "Sorry, sorry. Come on, let's hear it."

Trouble is: there's not actually much lore. Dean watches Sam slowly gnaw the pencil into a nasty woodpulp mess, and it turns out that a witch could've done it, sure. When's the last time they ran into a witch, though? The dryad's out, and they haven't met any ghosts.

"Cursed object?" Dean says, just throwing darts, and Sam frowns with that don't be stupid face and then his whole expression changes, and he closes his eyes. Dean sighs. "Pawn shop."

"Pawn shop," says Sam, mournfully.

Sam folds himself into his big coat and he's chewing his nails in the passenger seat, the gross pencil left behind for the sake of the public. The pawn shop's not open at this hour, but it's not like that's ever stopped them before—they park behind and Dean disables the alarm in two minutes flat, a personal best that Sam very much doesn't appreciate as he jimmies the lock and then they're inside, flashlights out, looking around. It's a mess, a minefield.

"I think a needle in a haystack would be easier," Dean says, looking around at the piles and piles of knives and clothes and old radios, fenced jewelry and school band instruments, little depressing slices taken out of lives that haven't really lived up to their promise. "What are we even looking for?"

Sam takes his knuckle out of his mouth. "I, uh," he says, looking dismayed all around. His hand's shiny with spit.

There's a dish of Werther's Originals on the counter next to the register, because apparently this place is run by someone's grandma. Dean tosses one to Sam. "Suck on that," he says, and Sam grimaces at him but dutifully pops it in, and then Dean resigns himself to two hours of combing through merchandise Sam might've touched. At least they've still got those latex gloves from the last morgue expedition—if they both get cursed they won't get anything done.

By the time they have to run out ahead of the owner rattling in, though—there's nothing. No EMF, no spell residue clinging to anything that they've seen. "Could just burn the place down," Dean says, locking the back door behind them against the clear morning, and Sam gives him a bitchy rundown of why that won't work, because because because. Of course. He stops at a convenience store a few blocks from the motel and leaves Sam to stew and suck his thumb inside, and buys the entire display of sugar-free spearmint Trident. The kid behind the counter frowns at him. "Fresh breath is very important," Dean says, and when he gets back into the car he slaps the gum against Sam's chest and says, "Don't say I never did anything for you," and when they're back to the motel he brews up the tiny pot of coffee while Sam chews, jaw working furiously.

"Could be worse," Dean says, fiddling with the paper rim on the cup. "You could be cursed to sniff butts or something."

There's a deadly silence from behind him. He grins down at the coffee pot. "Thank you for the perspective," Sam says, irritable, and they don't talk for a while, after that.

Dean watches some of the daytime shows. Kelly looks exactly the same. Plastic surgery, he wonders, or maybe some kind of youth-extending spell? Sam chews gum and reads on his computer, knee jogging all restless, and Dean watches him instead of the TV for a while and then dozes, the early morning catching up to him. Doesn't dream, really, just drifts. A golden haze of sunlight. A warmth, even though his nose and ears are cold. Maybe the heater in the room isn't working. That's okay.

He wakes up to Sam still reading. The TV's on mute. "You moved?" Dean says, yawning, and then, "What time is it?"

Golden light coming in through the window. Sam's bundled up in his coat still. Yeah, the heater's out. Dean pushes up on his elbows, kicks off his boots. Scrunches his toes inside his socks. Sam hasn't answered and Dean blinks at him, squinting, and then sighs. "What happened to the gum, dude?"

"Jaw hurts," Sam says, around his fingers, and Dean'd make more fun of him but he just sounds so miserable.

"Come here," Dean says, and Sam gives him a sidelong look, but he pushes back from the table and comes around to stand by the bed, his cast held low over his belly and his wet fingers dangling against his thigh. Pruny skin. Poor dork. His mouth's so red, worked-looking, and Dean's too lazy-sleepy to do much more than curl his fingers into the bottom of Sam's shirt and tug. Sam frowns at him, but he bends over, down and down until all Dean has to do is tilt up his chin and they're kissing, just like that. Sam sighs, but he moves his lips against Dean's. They feel puffed, sort of. Warm. Dean licks into him and he tastes like pure mint, sweet as candy.

"How many pieces did you chew?" he murmurs, between them, and Sam huffs and says, "Whole pack," and Dean shakes his head and tugs Sam again so he sits on the bed, and lifts up on his elbow and kisses Sam more. Because he can. Because Sam needs it. Either way, it's nice.

Sam sets his teeth in Dean's lower lip, pulls and sucks. The pit of Dean's belly gongs lowly and he curls his fingers into Sam's shirt, pulls him closer. "Okay?" he manages, because—because if Sam's just doing this because he has to—but Sam nods, his nose brushing Dean's cheek, and rearranges himself on the bed so he's spread out along Dean's side, perched over him on one elbow with his hand sliding up Dean's shirt, the plaster cast dragging scratching up Dean's belly. His thigh lays against Dean's, and then slips between Dean's legs, and Dean sets his hands in Sam's hair and bites his lips and licks them and then pulls back, his head smushing back against the pillow, so he can look. Sam's mouth red, his cheeks red, his eyes nearly black. Dean licks his own lips, tastes mint. "Okay?" he says, again, stupidly.

Sam's so warm, on top of him, all against him. He sets his hand flat in the middle of Dean's chest, presses down. "Can I?" Sam says, and Dean doesn't know what he's asking, but yes, of course, the answer is always yes, and—he doesn't say it, but Sam smiles anyway, dimples carving immediately into his cheeks. He leans in and kisses Dean's lips, just a taste of tongue, and then his throat, and then he ducks his head and sucks Dean's amulet into his mouth, peeking up at Dean while he does it, and—oh, god, that sends a surge straight to Dean's dick, do not pass go, two hundred dollars thoroughly forgotten. His lips quirk, around the leather cord—oh, the little shit—but he's ducking down and kissing Dean's stomach, and then the low part of his belly that's bared from his rucked-up shirt, and then he kisses the buckle of Dean's belt, and—oh. Oh.

"Sam," Dean says, breathy, but Sam's already tugging at the leather, sucking at a random patch of skin next to Dean's navel while he does it, and Dean spreads his legs, touches Sam's hair and his shoulders through that thick coat and fists into the blanket, because they haven't, they haven't done this, not yet. Jerked each other off, rubbed all over each other, and one night Sam held Dean's thighs together and thrust between them until Dean's skin tingled raw, but—and Dean hasn't pushed and neither has Sam, everything all so new, but. Sam tugs his jeans down over his hips and Dean helps, lifts up, and there's his boner pushing up his boxers, the hickey Sam left on his belly tingly and wet in the cold air, and Sam looks up at him again and chews at his bottom lip, his cheeks patchy. "Don't have to," Dean says, even though his dick's practically sitting up and begging for it.

"I know I don't," Sam says, firm. He shifts his shoulders, and scoots further down the bed so he's lying right between Dean's spread legs, and then he peels Dean's waistband down below the fat eager spring of his dick and tucks it below Dean's balls and then he licks his lips and seals them right around the head of Dean's dick, and sucks.

Sam groans—Dean makes a weird strangled noise in his throat and clenches his hands so hard in the comforter that they hurt. Oh. Sam's tongue laps flat against the head, wet, and then he pulls off with a pop and licks Dean from base to tip, wet and maddening. Dean's leaky, he always is when he wants someone this much, and Sam wraps a hand around the base and licks against the slit, getting the drops against his tongue. Dean's heels drag against the slick bed, but Sam pushes his hip down. "Let me," he says, which is easy for him to say, but he shifts so he's got one elbow on the bed, his weight draped over Dean's thigh, and he licks his lips to shining and lets out a strand of clear spit that drips over Dean's dick and then sinks down on it, a push of hot slick pressure with his tongue clinging hard to the underside, and Dean shudders and clutches his hands against Sam's shoulders and doesn't have much choice but to take it, his toes curling, all his concentration stuck in one spot.

Sam slurps back up, tongue working at the base of the head and sending sparks through Dean's balls and belly—dips back down again, suckling as he goes. God, god—Dean can't tell if he's done this before or if he's just going on what he likes, and either option just sets off fireworks inside his head. It feels, oh. Dean's had some world-class blowjobs before but this is something else. Sam's hair tickles against his belly and Dean pushes it back, light as light because he knows from experience you don't want anyone cramming your head down, but he needs to see, needs to—and there's Sam's eyes closed in concentration, the tip of his nose pink, the wet of his mouth as he pulls up with Dean's cock pressing his lips open, gleaming with Sam's own spit, ah, god—

Sam pulls off, a strand of spit or precome connecting them for a second, Dean doesn't know, and he gasps for a few seconds before he swoops down and smears his tongue flat over Dean's balls. Dean's thighs clench up so fast it hurts and he wraps a leg over Sam's, arching his hips as much as he can under Sam's weight. He's so full and sensitive it nearly hurts, but Sam's got his mouth latched soft over one nut and suckles, groaning, and Dean's hands clench in Sam's hair, he can't help it. Sam groans again and Dean forces himself to let go, ekes out, "Sorry, sorry," and Sam lets go with a wet noise and says, "No," and pushes up on an elbow to breathe open at Dean, and he says, "Put them back, I don't mind—come on—" and he goes back down on Dean's shaft, down to the base so that Dean's cockhead slicks along his palate and threatens the pit of his throat, and Dean has to, he has to then, he gets his hands in Sam's hair and pulls, the thick dark weight of it pushing through his knuckles and Sam moans and bobs against him and Dean's balls are just, god, throbbing, and Sam runs a thumb wet with his own spit over Dean's sack and sucks and sucks and keeps sucking and Dean really pulls on Sam's hair then, his stomach and thighs and asshole all tightening and his toes curling and he whispers Sammy, I'm—I'm gonna—and Sam lays his cast heavy over Dean's stomach and presses his tongue hard against the base of the head and Dean spurts straight into Sam's throat, his hips twitching up, Sam's wet heat all around him, his eyes squeezed shut so tight that light bursts behind them.

"Gah," Sam says, somewhere below, and cold air cruelly hits Dean's dick, but he can't function just yet. His ears are ringing. That might not be normal. Hot puffs of breath and then a wet soft tongue laps at him, velvety-rough where he's still twitching. He combs his fingers through Sam's hair, nerveless, and gets a smooch to his base, to his balls, to the thin skin of his hip. To the spot below his bellybutton, and then teeth sink in, just barely hard enough to hurt. He pulls Sam's hair, sharp, and gets a hum and a lick for his trouble.

"You're like a freakin' limpet," Dean manages, and when he opens his eyes Sam's chin is resting on his belly, and Sam's watching him.

"You complaining?" Sam says.

His mouth's really red, now, puffy. His eyes sit dark in his face, his hand braced possessive and heavy on Dean's side. "Nah," Dean says, light. His chest feels hot, compressed. "Just thinking. Maybe this little curse could work out in my favor. You think?"

Sam's lips twitch. He kneels up, between Dean's legs, and strips off that dumb coat. Underneath it he's got on one of those polo shirts Dean hasn't managed to burn, and there's sweat damp under his arms, at his throat. Big, big bulge in his jeans. When he settles back down over Dean his dick presses huge against where Dean's starting to go soft, the denim coarse against Dean's skin, and Sam trails his fingers over Dean's own mouth. Finds the toothmarks where Dean was trying to hold back the noises he couldn't help make and rubs them, easy. "I think," says Sam, trailing his fingers down to the amulet again, tugging it lightly. He licks his lips. Dean's dick twitches, oh, too soon. "I think maybe it could."

Dean drags breath in through his teeth. "Maybe a little, uh, quid pro quo's in order, though," he says, and watches Sam's mouth part, his tongue curling around the point of one tooth. Yikes. Okay.

They'll get to working on the curse, or the spell, or whatever it is, Dean thinks. Later. Sam slides his hand down Dean's side and grabs his hip, pulling him in tight. His belly leaps. Maybe a lot later. Maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow's good. Sam smiles at him and dips down for a kiss. His mouth tastes like—ah, not like spearmint anymore. Tomorrow will be fine. All sorts of good things still need to happen today.

[lushscreamqueen]

The Buffy Horror Picture Show

Movie Script Parodied by: Alex Jacobs (first_wizard@hotmail.com) December 25, 2001 Note: This takes place at the end of Season 4. Cast: Dr. Ang-l-us (a vampire)                David Borenaz Riley Finn (a heroine)                  Buffy Summers (a hero)                  Sarah Michelle Gellar Xander Harris (a handyman)              Nicholas Brendon Willow Rosenberg (a domestic)           Allyson Hannigan Cordelia (a groupie)                    Charisma Carpentar ) Mr. Giles (a rival)                             Anthony Stewart Head Spike (a creation)                      James Marsterson Jenny Calendar (ex-computer teacher)    The Werewolf (Narrator) (an expert)     Seth Green The Vampire Prostitutes Perry Bedden                            Fran Fullenwider Christopher Biggins                     Lindsay Ingram Gayle Brown                             Penny Ledger Ishaq Bux                               Annabelle Leventon Stephen Calcutt                         Anthony Milner Hugh Cecil                              Pamela Obermeyer Imogen Claire                           Tony Then Rufus Collins                           Kimi Wong Sadie Corre                             Henry Woolf Tuesday Evening/UPN NERF HERDER (FANGS) Joyce Summers felt down When the school burned to the ground So she moved to Sunnydale. And the Master was there In his underground lair, Waiting for the Slayer to fail. Then something went down In that old coastal town; Buffy died and opened the mouth of Hell. Then she came back to life And the Master?? Just died. And the special effects looked real swell: CHORUS Tuesday Evening, UPN Angelus will lose his soul again. See vampires fighting Buff and Riley Cordelia Chase will Show her hiney. Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh On the eight PM, Tuesday evening, TV show. NERF HERDER (FANGS) I know that Rupert Giles Was pissed off by miles When Angelus killed his girlfriend. And I really lost favor When I saw the Slayer Fight Angelus and to Hell he was sent. Chanting magical tunes And gypsy runes Willow saved Angel's soul just too late. But when Angel came back, And the Mayor attacked, I knew the school couldn't escape its fate. Not on? CHORUS Tuesday evening, UPN Angelus will lose his soul again. See vampires fighting Buff and Riley Cordelia chase will Show her hiney. Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh On the eight PM, Tuesday evening, TV show. I wanna go Watch the eight PM, UPN, TV show. By Mutant Inc, Hee hee hee. Go watch the eight PM, UPN TV show. Hope it won't blow, Oh Oh Oh Not the eight PM, UPN, TV show. HIGHSCHOOL STUDENT Here they come! (Highschool Students cheer and drink) DEMON WITH A CAMERA Let's get a picture. Close together now.  The natives and the transfer students. Just of the those that survived graduation.  Ahhh, hold that. Beautiful. And?  (A giant snake comes out of the ground and eats all the students) DEMON Congratulations. (Buffy and Tara walk past the snake) TARA I guess we finally did it, huh. BUFFY I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and my Mom have been almost inseparable since you broke up with Willow after catching her with that strange hickey. TARA Well to tell you the truth, Buffy, your mom's the only reason I dated Willow in the first place. (chuckles)  You know, to meet hot older chicks. BUFFY That explains a lot? too much.  We must never speak of this again. JOYCE O.K. you guys, this is it. (everyone screams) TARA Well Joyce is going to throw the bouquet. RILEY I got it! I got it! TARA Hey, looks like it could be your turn next, eh? BUFFY Like I'd ever have a relationship stable enough for marriage. TARA True, but you don't like girls so I don't care either way. Guess we better get going now Joyce. Come on, hop in. (Buffy gives the car the finger.  They drive away) (sign saying "Sunnydale High School: One Year Reunion") RILEY Oh Buffy, wasn't it wonderful?  Wasn't your mom radiantly beautiful? I can't believe it. An week ago she was just plain old celibate Joyce, and now?  now she's Mrs. Muff-diver extraordinaire. BUFFY Yes Riley, Tara's a creepy girl.  And thanks for

wigging me out like that. RILEY Your welcome. HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT I always cry at death scenes. BUFFY Everyone knows my mom is a tight little fuck.  Why does everyone know that? RILEY (shrugs) BUFFY Why Tara herself'll probably be teaching her about rim jobs in a minute or two. RILEY Yes. Crimey Riley BUFFY Hey Riley. RILEY Yes Buffy? BUFFY I've got something to say RILEY Uh huh. BUFFY I really love the? Coincidental way? The Initiative disappeared? When things went astray. RILEY Oh Buffy. BUFFY The journey was tough but now finally (CHORUS: Riley) The future is looking quite smiley. (Riley) So please don't take it unkindly. (Riley) I've one thing to say and that's Crimey, Riley the Initiative blows. The leaders were lame but they died-y (Riley) There were monsters in tunnels that cried-y (Riley) I know that you're really tired-y. (Riley) I've one thing to say and that's Crimey, Riley the Initative Blows. Here's some things that prove that I'm for real. There's three things that they could have done: That's run, fight, or imprison. Oh R-I-L-E-Y They failed their mi-i-sion. RILEY Oh, it's not my fault that we were crap stuff. (Oh Buff) Or that our plans were just lame fluff (Oh Buff) And I don't blame you for leaving in that huff. (Oh Buff) I've one thing to say and that's Buff, you're tough, but we sucked chode. Oh Buffy? BUFFY Oh... crimey. RILEY You're tough... BUFFY Oh... Riley. RILEY ? We sucked so much. BUFFY I lost my lu-u-unch. BUFFY & RILEY You/We were standing on a crutch- ah - utch. BUFFY So let's go see the man who so finely (Riley) Taught me how to kick your hiney. (Riley) When I compare you to him I just smiley (Riley) Now I've one thing to say and that's crimey, Riley, the Initiative blows. Crimey, Riley. RILEY Oh Buff, you're tough. BUFFY Crimey, Riley. BUFFY & RILEY They sure blew. OZ I would like, ah, if I may, ?to take you on a strange journey (goes for black book opens book) It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Buffy Summers and her bitch, Riley Finn, two young,  stupid, healthy kids, left Sunnydale that late June evening, to visit a certain Mr. Giles, ex-Watcher, now friend to both of them.  It's true there were dark storm clouds.  Heavy, black, and pendulous, toward which they were driving.  It's true, also, that the spare crossbow they were carrying was badly in need of repair, but, uh, they being stupid kids, on a night out?  well, they weren't going to let a storm spoil the rest of their evening, were they?  On a night out?  It was a night out they were going to remember?  for a very long time. JOYCE (ON RADIO) I have never been a quitter...  To leave the show before my contract is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body.  But as an actress I must put the interests of my career first.  My income requires a full time acting job?  and an in depth part? RILEY Gosh, that's the third vampire prostitute that's passed us.  They sure do look skanky, what with the tube tops and all. BUFFY Yes, but they're pretty cheap to the right type. RILEY I'm that type. BUFFY What did you say? RILEY Oh, nothing?  Say, What's the matter, Buffy darling? BUFFY Oooh. We must have taken a wrong turn a few miles back. RILEY Oh, but where did those vampire prostitutes come from? BUFFY Hmmm? well I guess we'll just have to turn back. RILEY Oh! What was that bang? BUFFY My driving.  CRIMEY!  I knew I should have gotten that spare crossbow fixed, it would make the next few hours a lot simpler.  Well, you just stay here and keep warm and I'll go for help. RILEY But where will you go in the middle of nowhere? BUFFY ?Didn't we pass the new high school back down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a telephone we could use. RILEY I'm going with you. BUFFY Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in bringing you along when you'll just get in my way. RILEY I'm coming with you!  Besides darling, the owner of that phone might be a handsome vampire and you might never come back. BUFFY Eh.  Probably. Over to the Sunnydale Hellmouth RILEY In the velvet darkness, Of California

night, They rise despite, All the vamps you slay. Even if you kill them all day. BUFFY & RILEY They will come? CHORUS Over to the Sunnydale Hellmouth. BUFFY & RILEY They will come? CHORUS Making people scream and shout. BUFFY & RILEY They will come, come in the darkness of California night. XANDER The vampires must go down the river of night's killing. They make me sick, but then pretty girls come spilling Into my life? Into my life? BUFFY & RILEY They will come? CHORUS Over to the Sunnydale Hellmouth. BUFFY & RILEY They will come? CHORUS Making people scream and shout. They will come, will come. BUFFY & RILEY ? in the darkness of California night. OZ And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Buffy and Riley and that they had found the assistance that their plight required.  Or had they? RILEY Buffy, let's go back, I'm cold and frightened? BUFFY Just a moment Riley, they might have a phone. XANDER Yo! BUFFY Hey! What are you doing here Xander? XANDER Eh.  Got turned by some über-vamp.  You? BUFFY I-I was wondering if you could help us.  You see our car broke down a few miles up the road? do you have a phone we could use? XANDER (stares at Buffy's t-shirt which has gotten so wet it's transparent) You're wet. RILEY Yes - ?  - it's raining. BUFFY Yes. XANDER Yes?   I think that perhaps you'd better come.  Come inside.  That's what I said, come inside. RILEY About time. Oh Buffy, I'm frightened. I thought the school blew up and wasn't supposed to be rebuilt for another three years? BUFFY Oh, it's probably some kind of temporary high school to educate the young until a new plot-hook can be built. RILEY Oh. (forlornly) XANDER This way. RILEY Are you helping students cram for finals? XANDER You've arrived on a very special night. It's one of the master's affairs. BUFFY Master? XANDER Uh? -bater? RILEY (Buffy and Riley share a look) Oh.  Now I'm wiggin'. WILLOW You're wigging, He's wigging, I'm wigging, we're all wigging! ha ha ha ha ha (school bell rings seven times) Fuck Over Xander XANDER It's astounding; Vamps are fleeing; The Slayer takes effect. But listen closely... WILLOW Not for very much longer. XANDER Things aren't over yet. I remember hating the vampires. Wishing They'd get a nice tan. But then hypnosis hit me XANDER & WILLOW And I heard a voice calling... (Willow and Xander put on vampire game faces) VAMPIRE PROSTITUTES Let's fuck over Xander again. Let's fuck over Xander again. OZ (pulls down chart.  There are dozens of pictures of Xander slumped to the floor, unconscious) It's just a knock to the head. ALL Or a pretty girl in plain sight. OZ With gigantic tits. ALL And an embrace so tight. But it's the pelvic thrust That really drives him insane. Let's fuck over Xander again. Let's fuck over Xander again. WILLOW I was so easy, but he never bothered to please me. So you could see me, getting really pissed. But I found a vampire, A Scooby insider, Who agreed, To give us the kiss. XANDER After Angelus's neck bite WILLOW Everything was made right. XANDER Now nothing can ever be the same. WILLOW I'm spaced out on orgasms. XANDER They're giving her spasms. ALL Let's fuck over Xander again. Let's fuck over Xander again. CORDELIA (in vampire game face) Well I was living in LA, but not eating every day When this beautiful face put me in my place. He took me to a party, I figured what the heck He had a Ferrari, but then he bit my neck. He sucked my blood and I felt a change. Food meant nothing, never would again. ALL Let's fuck over Xander again. Let's fuck over Xander again. OZ It's just a knock to the head. ALL Or a pretty girl in plain sight. OZ With gigantic tits. ALL And an embrace so tight. But it's the pelvic thrust That really drives him insane. Let's fuck over Xander again. Let's fuck over Xander again. (Cordelia pole dances) (Cordelia falls) ALL Let's fuck over Xander again. Let's fuck over Xander again. OZ It's just a knock to the head. ALL Or a pretty girl in plain sight. OZ With gigantic tits. ALL And an embrace so tight. But it's the pelvic

thrust That really drives him insane. Let's fuck over Xander again. Let's fuck over Xander again. RILEY Buffy, say something. (whispered) BUFFY So, you guys are vampires now? (vampire prostitutes get up and start walking towards Buffy and Riley, licking there lips) RILEY Buffy, please, let's get out of here. BUFFY For God's sake, Riley, keep a grip on yourself. RILEY But it? it seems so unhealthy here. BUFFY It's just the undead, Riley. RILEY Well -- I want to go. BUFFY Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone. RILEY Well then just slay them already. BUFFY Just a moment, Riley -- we don't want to do anything that might upset them. RILEY This isn't the Initiative headquarters, Buffy. BUFFY They're probably just getting used to their new vitality-challenged lifestyle. They may do some more folk dancing. RILEY Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared BUFFY I'm here -- there's nothing to worry about. (Riley screams and faints) Pretty Vampire Angel So glad you're here, I See you've met my Latest acquisition. He's just a tad depressed Because when you knocked He thought you were the Red Cross deposition. Don't get turned off by the way I dress. Afterwards I can still wear black shades. I'm not man about town by the light of day But by night can make your womb ache. (drops cloak to reveal leather pants and no shirt) I'm a just a pretty vampire.  From Los Angeles, California. Let me show you my chest Or maybe the rest. You look like you're both pretty turned on. Or if you want something tactual, That's not entirely factual, We could put on an old Martin Gaye song. BUFFY I'm glad you're in this strange place, Didn't you leave for LA? We're actually somewhat rushed, now. RILEY Right. BUFFY We'll just say give Giles a ring, Then go get our things. We want to tell Oz, Willow's straight now. ANGEL So you're crossbow won't work, well, You're both jerks. I'm sorry, but things break. By the light of the dawn it'll all turn out wrong. It seems you two made a mistake. I'm just a pretty vampire  From Los Angeles, California. Why don't you stay for the show? XANDER Show. ANGEL See how far things dare go. CORDELIA Go. ANGEL I could show you my favorite night wear. I've been assisting a fiend With blond hair and big thing. And it's great when he touches me (hand passes in front of crotch) right there. I'm just a pretty vampire  From Los Angeles, California. THRUST IT, THRUST IT! (thrusts hips on "THRUST") I'm just a pretty vampire CORDELIA, XANDER, & WILLOW Pretty vampire ANGEL  From Los Angeles, CORDELIA, XANDER, & WILLOW California. ANGEL So come down to the crypt, And I'll show you my stick. I see you shiver with erotic plea- sure. But maybe the plot Isn't completely shot. So I'll remove the chicken (Chuckles) But not the feathers. (applause) RILEY What in the world does that mean? BUFFY Who knows? (Buffy and Riley are given towels) RILEY Thank you. BUFFY Thank you very much. (Willow and Xander start to undress Buffy and Riley) RILEY Oh!  Buffy! BUFFY (Buffy grows impatient with Xander, pushes him away, and strips in two seconds) It's all right Riley. We'll play along for now and pull out Mr. Pointy when the time is right. (Riley looks down in shame) CORDELIA Faster, people, faster!  Some of us have lives here.  Well, technically only these two, but you know what I mean. BUFFY Hi, Cordelia, remember me, the Slayer, and this is my boyfriend and former Initiative member, Riley Finn.  You are really pissing me off and you're a vamp so if you'd just shut up? CORDELIA If you don't shut up you'll never get down to Angelus's crypt.  Some people would suck cock for the privilege. BUFFY People like you maybe? CORDELIA Pretty much. (Xander pours wine into a glass, takes a swig from the bottle, and lets it drop after Willow says "Screw it.") XANDER Come along ? Angelus doesn't like to be kept waiting. WILLOW Screw it. (Riley screeches - the elevator goes up) RILEY Is he ? Angel, I mean ? still good? XANDER The master-bater is not good, nor do I think he ever shall be

again. We're all pretty happy about this. RILEY Oh. ANGEL Willow, Cordelia go assist Xander.  I will entertain?  uh huh huh... (chuckle) (camera shows Buffy) BUFFY I'm the Slayer, remember.  And I don't think you've had a chance to meet your replacement, Riley "Fuck." RILEY Finn. BUFFY Shut up. ANGEL Embrassez mon âne.* (Riley giggles) Well! How dull.  And what boring underclothes you both have.  But here. Put these (negligees) on.  They'll make you feel more sexy. It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them? hospitality. BUFFY Hospitality?! All we asked was to use your telephone, goshdarnit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore. RILEY Buffy, don't be ungrateful. BUFFY Ungrateful! ANGEL How forceful you are, Buffy.  Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So? dominant. You must be awfully submissive, Riley. RILEY Well, yes I am. (giggles) ANGEL Do you have your virginity, Buffy? BUFFY Certainly not!  You took it from me, remember? ANGEL No.  How about you? (to Riley) RILEY No. (giggling) XANDER Everything is in readiness, master-bater.  We merely await your (pause) creepiness. ANGEL Tonight, my undead death-conventionists?  you are to witness a new breakthrough in biofatalistic research?  and Sunnydale is to be mine? It was strange the way it happened?   Suddenly you find your voice? Vampires start to obey your commands, not a sign of rebellion?  What fools!  The right vampire was there all the time but it took a small accident to make me realize?  AN ACCIDENT! WILLOW & CORDELIA An accident! ANGEL And that's how I discovered the key, that elusive nosferatu, that vamp who'd be the breath of death?  Yes, I have that power?  I hold the key?  to the Hellmouth?  itself! You see?  you are fortunate for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to destroy the world! Up now! (Curtain is lifted exposing a pair of large doors with a strange seal) Throw open the doors to the tomb? and shine in a flashlight so I can see what the Hell is going on! RILEY Oh Buffy! BUFFY It's all right Riley. (Xander takes a crowbar and forces one of the doors open.  He shines a flashlight in revealing Spike lying in his underwear) (Spike emits some guttural garbage) ANGEL Oh! Spike! The Chip of the Initiative SPIKE The chip of the Initiative is stuck somewhere in my head, And while it's in there I can't make anyone dead. Oh, woe is me, my un-life is a misery. Oh, can't you see, that I'm starting to act like a pansy ass bugger. I woke up this evening and I cried when I remembered my fate. ALL That sure sucks ass. SPIKE And for awhile I thought there was nothing I could do to escape. ALL That sure sucks ass. SPIKE It's blood I need, I'm all bleached but still can't feed. And I know it seems like I'm starting to act like a pansy ass bugger. ALL Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass. SPIKE Oh ho no no ALL Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass. SPIKE Oh ho no no ALL Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass. SPIKE Oh ho no no The chip of the Initiative is stuck somewhere in my head, ALL That sure sucks ass. SPIKE And while it's in there I can't make anyone dead. ALL Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass. SPIKE Oh no no no ALL Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass. SPIKE Oh no no no ALL Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass. SPIKE Oh no no no (repeat until end -- Sha-la-la) ALL Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass.  Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass. Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass.  Sha-la-la-la That sure sucks ass. Sha-la-la. ANGEL Well really.  That's no problem if you know what to do about it. (Angel punches through the side of Spike's head and pulls out a microchip) SPIKE Augh!  You wanker!  That really hurt. ANGEL But because you've got such "exceptional" strength, you should be able to handle it. SPIKE Augh Agh  (applause) ANGEL Oh, I just love success. XANDER That was a credit to your strength, master-bater. ANGEL Yes. WILLOW A triumph of your fist. ANGEL Yes. CORDELIA He's in pain. ANGEL In pain? Only in pain! I think we can do better than that. Humph! Well, Buffy and Riley,

what do you think of the hole in the side of his head? RILEY Well, I don't like to see a grown man cry. ANGEL I didn't make him cry for you!  If he's tough enough to break heads he can have his own broken. To Make You a Vamp ANGEL A weakling weighing just ninety-seven Will get left in the dirt When bit in the neck. (pats Spike on the head) SPIKE Ow!  It still hurts you bloody git! ANGEL But give him some blood after draining him dry, The hunger takes effect as he sucks on your neck. We'll make him muscled and rough. And with blood, and just a little bit of manly love, He'll be dead and quite tough He'll be a strong vamp. So bloody? ALL But all vamps ANGEL Will eat nothing high protein.  They just swallow raw blood? Trying to build up an appetite, martial arts, but not? Lungs And an evil diabolical man Doesn't even need seven days... ANGEL & VAMPIRE PROSTITUTES To make you a vamp. ANGEL He'll kill cheerleaders, and bankers, kill the old, young and feeble. He thinks beating old ladies is fun and quite evil. Your obsessed with living.  I just don't understand, When it doesn't even take seven days... To make you a vamp. (Beep Beep Beep) ANGEL What the? CORDELIA JENNY!  I mean, Miss Calendar!  You never changed my grade like you promised! (Runs up to Jenny with a change of grade slip.  Jenny ignores her and begins stripping) C'mon Giles (Show Me Affection) JENNY Whatever happened to going on patrol, When your stake was all sharp and you'd take a stroll? It don't seem the same since the mayor died And I came back to life thanks to gypsy magic inside. Two years ago I fell for a librarian, Before being killed by a barbarian; He was dressed in leather pants and a black silk shirt. I ran to the back of the school knowing it would really hurt. C'mon Giles, show me affection, I really love resurrection. C'mon Giles, show me affection, I really love resurrection. C'mon Giles, show me affection, I really love resurrection. C'mon Giles, show me affection, I really love resurrection. (Sex solo) (Jenny thrusts) My head used to swim from the cologne he wore. My hands kind of fumbled down there til I'd roar "Just come in my bed and I'll be your whore." He'd answer that tonight he was just gonna read. Go back to school, Put the kettle on The library was closed and the night seemed so long. Masturbating to his picture I'd try to get along. It felt pretty good. But not what I really need. (Cordelia slides to a halt at the V of Jenny's crotch and begins pleasuring her) C'mon Giles, show me affection, I really love resurrection. C'mon Giles, show me affection, I really love resurrection. C'mon Giles, show me affection, I really love resurrection. C'mon Giles, show me affection, I really love resurrection. (for a total of twelve times) (Angel attacks Jenny with a vibrating alpinist's pick) (Cordelia begins screaming how she did her part and not to hurt her before Jenny does hers) ANGEL One from last season. (chuckles) SPIKE Ha!? ANGEL (opens door) You baby?  Don't be upset?  I know it was a messy killing the first time but I like to clean up after myself?  She had a certain innocent appeal, but no eroticism. (Spike flexes a bicep) ? Oh! To Make You a Vamp (Reprise) ANGEL But a jugular and a corpuscle. A hot vein and some neck muscle. Makes me, oooh, bite, Makes me want to take Jenny Calendar by the ? ha-ha-hand. ANGEL & VAMPIRE PROSTITUTES Doesn't even take seven days To make you a vamp. ANGEL I don't want no weird demons, Just able bodied seamen. RILEY That's a crazy plan. ANGEL It doesn't even take seven days, To make you a vamp. Run now if you can It doesn't even take seven days, To make you a vamp. (Angel and Spike's wedding march) VAMPIRE PROSTITUTES Angel and Spike, rah-rah-rah! Angel and Spike, rah-rah-rah! Angel and Spike, rah-rah-rah! Angel and Spike, rah-rah-rah! OZ There are some who say that vampires are imaginary, and demons are but a figment of gothic literature.  If this is so, then Buffy and Riley are quite safe?  However, the sudden departure of their host? and his childe? into the seclusion

of his somber crypt left them feeling both apprehensive and uneasy, a feeling which grew as the vampire prostitutes departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms. (Buffy and Riley are shown to their separate rooms by Xander and Willow) (Riley enters room) (Buffy enters room) (knock) (howling) RILEY Uhh! Who is it? Who's there? ANGEL (BUFFY) It's only me, Riley. RILEY Oh, Buffy darling, come in.  Oh! Buffy, Oh Buffy. Yes, my darling? but what if? ANGEL (BUFFY) It's all right, Riley, everything's going to be all right. RILEY Oh, I hope so, my darling. Oh? Ah?  Ahh OHHH! Oh, it's you! ANGEL I'm afraid so, Riley, but isn't it nice? RILEY Oh, you beast, you monster?  Oh what have you done with Buffy? ANGEL Fucked the shit out of her but that was two years ago.  Did you mean recently? RILEY You tricked me?  I wouldn't have?  I've never?  I would never? never? Unless Buffy was ignoring, or it was an incredibly hard day, or I hadn't gotten laid in the past three hours, or the vamp was really cute.  But otherwise never, never? ANGEL Yes, yes, I know, but it isn't all bad, is it?  I think you really found it quite  pleasurable. RILEY Oh, stop?  I mean help?  Buffy Buffy!?  Oh Buffy!! ANGEL Shhh. Buffy's probably asleep by now. Do you want her to see you like?   This! (Grabs Riley's wrist and starts sucking) RILEY Like this like how?!  Oh, it's your fault?  You're to blame?  Oh?  I was saving myself for the Red Cross drive. ANGEL Yes, but I'm sure your not drained yet? RILEY Promise you won't tell Buffy? ANGEL Cross my heart and hope to die? (assorted sucking noises) (Scene with Xander and Willow, Willow with a mop, Xander putting on gloves) (Xander walks over to Spike) (Xander grabs a cross and uses it to threaten Spike) (Spike runs away) (Spike climbs up the stairs out of the highschool basement) (Xander throws the cross after him then makes out with Willow) ANGEL (RILEY) Oh, Buffy darling, it's no good here.  It'll destroy us. BUFFY Don't worry Riley, we'll be away from here in the morning. ANGEL (RILEY) Oh, Buffy you're so strong and protective. BUFFY Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU! ANGEL I'm afraid so, Buffy, but isn't it nice? BUFFY Yes, but what have you done with Riley? ANGEL Nothing.  Why?  Do you think I should? BUFFY Probably, but that's not the point.  You tricked me, I wouldn't have? ANGEL Oh yes you would, I know?  I was there the first time, remember.  And it wasn't all bad, was it?  Not even half bad, I think you really quite enjoyed it. BUFFY Oh? so soft?  More?  More?  More Riley?  RILEY! ANGEL Riley's probably asleep by now.  Do you want him to see you like THIS? (Buffy sits up and yells) BUFFY Like this, like how?  It's your fault, you're to blame, I thought it was the living thing! ANGEL Oh come on, Buffy, admit it, you liked it, didn't you?  It isn't a crime to give yourself over to pleasure, Buffy.  We've wasted two seasons already?  Riley needn't know, I won't tell him? BUFFY Well, promise you won't tell? ANGEL On my mother's corp-... XANDER Master-bater, Spike has broken his chains and vanished.  Your new playmate is loose and somewhere on school grounds?  Willow has just released the dogs? ANGEL Mmmm? Coming! RILEY What's happening here? Where's Buffy? Where's ANYbody? Oh, Buffy.  Buffy, my darling, how could I have done this to you?  Oh! If only we hadn't made this journey? If only the crossbow hadn't broken down? If only we were amongst friends?  Or living persons. Oh Buffy, oh Buffy.  What have they done with her? (screen shows Buffy bouncing up and down on top of Angelus) Oh, Buffy, Oh Buffy -- How could you? (he fondles vacuum cleaner) (Spike emits moans and general cries of pain) (Spike gets up) RILEY Oh, but you are hurt?  I mean, good.  I mean, did they do this to you? SPIKE You are a bleamin' idiot. RILEY I'll dress your wounds? baby there? (Rip his boxers and dress Spike's wound) Let me make it all better. SPIKE You're aware that vampires heal on their own? (glances down at Riley's wripped boxers) And that I'm straight? OZ Addiction: abnormally dependent

on something?  Psychologically or physically habit forming. In other words: a powerful and irrational master?  and from what Willow and Cordelia eagerly viewed on their television monitor there seemed little doubt that Riley was, indeed, ?its slave. WILLOW & CORDELIA Tell us about it, Riley. Suck-a Suck-a Suck-a Suck Me RILEY I was feeling turned on,  From vampire spawn. I'd only ever killed their kind. CORDELIA You mean he? WILLOW ?s even dumber than he looks. RILEY I thought don't try to consort, Except as a last resort. It only leads to trouble And military court. Now all I want to do is go to you. I've given blood and I want less. WILLOW & CORDELIA Less, less, less. RILEY I'll put up no resistance But I have one insistence: I've got an itchy neck It's your subsistence. Sucka sucka sucka suck me! It's okay if you hurt me. Bite me, slight me, excite me! Creature of the night. Then if my veins shrink, while you drink, I'll get a needle and stick it in. WILLOW & CORDELIA In, in, in. RILEY And that's just one penetration Of the prime elation. You need a willing meal plan and I need sensation. Sucka sucka sucka suck me! It's okay if you hurt me. Bite me, slight me, excite me! Creature of the night. CORDELIA Sucka sucka sucka suck me! WILLOW It's okay if you hurt me. CORDELIA Bite me, slight me, excite me! WILLOW Creature of the night. RILEY Sucka sucka sucka suck me! It's okay if you hurt me. Bite me, slight me, excite me! Creature of the night. SPIKE Creature of the night. BUFFY Creature of the night? ANGEL Creature of the night. WILLOW Creature of the night. XANDER Creature of the ? hey!  Nachos (walks off camera) CORDELIA Creature of the night. SPIKE Creature of the night. RILEY Creature of the night. (scene change, Xander being whipped) XANDER Owwwwwwwww!  Mercy! (Being kicked by Angel) ANGEL How did it happen?  I understand you were to be watching? XANDER I was only away for a minute?  Masturbating. ANGEL Well, see if you can find him on the school's security cameras. XANDER Master-bater, master-bater?  We have a visitor. BUFFY Hey, Giles! ANGEL You told your Watcher where we were? BUFFY Well, no.  He, he's a friend of mine and we were on our way to meet him but I never knew we were going to end up here so how could I tell him to meet us here and? is there at all a chance you believe me. ANGEL I see.  So this wasn't simply a chance meeting.  You came here with a purpose. BUFFY Hello?  I told you, my car broke down.  Car right outside?  You saw it, remember. ANGEL I know what you told me, Buffy?  But Giles is not exactly unknown to me. BUFFY He was a librarian at Sunnydale High.  You should know, you brought him books, remember. ANGEL Yes!  And now he works for the Watcher's council again, doesn't he, Buffy? He's attached to the bureau of extermination of that which you call HST's!!!  Isn't that right, Buffy? BUFFY He might be? I don't know. XANDER The intruder is entering the building, master-bater. ANGEL He'll probably be? entering the library.  Shall we inquire of him in person? (activates triple contact faggot magnet) (Pause) BUFFY What the Hell? GILES Angelus, we meet again. BUFFY Giles! GILES Buffy! What are you doing here? ANGEL Don't play games, Mr. Giles.  You know perfectly well what Buffy Summers is doing here.  It was part of your plan, was it not?  That the slayer and her bitch could check the layout for you.  Well, unfortunately for you all, the plans are to be changed.  You must be adaptable, old man; I know Buffy is. GILES I can assure you that Buffy's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me.  I came here to find Jenny. BUFFY Jenny! I've seen her! ANGEL Jenny?  What do you know of Jenny? GILES I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things.  After all, Jenny happens to be ex-girlfriend. (Angel gasps and releases Oz) (Riley gasps) BUFFY Giles? RILEY Ah! GILES Riley! RILEY Mr. Giles! BUFFY Riley! RILEY BUFFY! ANGEL Spike! GILES Riley! RILEY Mr. Giles! BUFFY Riley! RILEY BUFFY! ANGEL Spike! GILES Riley! RILEY Mr.

Giles! BUFFY Riley! RILEY BUFFY! ANGEL Spike! Listen?  I made you?  and I can stake you just as easily. (to Spike) WILLOW (Rings gong) Master, dinner is prepared! ANGEL Excellent.  Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional. OZ Food has always played a vital role in life's rituals, even for the dead.  The breaking of bread, the sucking of blood from a dying man, and now? this meal.  However informal it might appear, you can be sure that there was to be a little hoot and even less nanny. (Xander and Willow wheel in a cart) (Xander opens the lid) (Xander places a large piece of meat in front of Angel) (He carves the meat and Xander serves it to the others) (Xander pours and spills wine before this) ANGEL A toast? to absent friends? ALL To absent friends. BUFFY (to Riley) What exactly is in these glasses? ANGEL And to Spike. (Angel starts a verse of staccato "Happy Birthday Spike" and cuts it off after "Dear Spike." Riley continues until he realizes he is the only one left singing.) Shall we? GILES We came here to discuss Jenny. CORDELIA Jenny! (Angel threatens her with the slicer) ANGEL That's a rather tender subject. Another slice anyone? CORDELIA Excuse me. (Exits room, closes door behind her, and screams) GILES (to the entire table) I knew she was in with a bad crowd, but is was worst than I imagined?  Demons! SPIKE What the blazes are you talking about?  We're vampires you twit. BUFFY Giles! ANGEL Go on, Mr.Giles.  Or should I say?  Ripper. BUFFY Just what exactly are you implying? GILES It's all right! BUFFY Giles! OZ It's all right, Buffy. Jenny GILES  From the day she came here. She was annoying. She was an itch. In my boxer shorts. She tried in vain? OZ ? but of sex he would always abstain. GILES But I wept the day she was no more.  From the day she was gone All I wanted Was computer geek porn And my Jenny back. Hiring mystic jerks? OZ But not a damn thing they tried ever worked! GILES And my sex life was feeling the lack. ALL When Jenny said she wouldn't wear a teddy Giles acted like a stuck up prick. But when he shut off his cock with a kryptonite lock ANGEL That poor wench! RILEY But her stench. OZ Made me sick. CORDELIA Everybody failed me But when Jenny nailed me I said, "hey, can you pass me? And I'll give you my ass for free!" But she didn't run from Angel fast enough to flee. GILES But then she was brought Back from the dead, Making me fraught With worry when I read? ALL What'd you read? What'd you read? JENNY'S VOICE I'm out of that Hel Oh, hurry, this won't turn out well. Angelus might just come out ahead. (scream) ALL When Jenny said she wouldn't wear a teddy Giles acted like a stuck up prick. But when he shut off his cock with a kryptonite lock ANGEL That poor wench! RILEY But her stench. GILES Made me sick. ALL When Jenny said she wouldn't wear a teddy Giles acted like a stuck up prick. But when he shut off his cock with a kryptonite lock ANGEL That poor wench! ALL Oh-oh-oh... RILEY But her stench. ALL Ew, ew, ew... GILES Made me sick. (Angel pulls the tablecloth off of the table and the slaughtered remains of Jenny are seen under the glass surface) (All scream) (Spike runs to Riley and bites his neck) ANGEL Spike! How can you think of food at a time like this? GILES (To Buffy, who's running alongside him) This way, this way. (General mayhem as Angel chases Riley.  Xander and Willow laugh, until Xander suddenly says "Why are we laughing?") XANDER Why are we laughing? Hiney Whiney ANGEL I'll drink your blood but I won't give in. You'd better shut up, Riley Finn. Your soufflé is a bit too thin. You'd better shut up, Riley Finn. I've broke her cherry; it should make things quite merry. You're as bright as a nightlight; wound up like an G.I. Joe guy. When I sucked you, were you this contrary? Ya gonna bitch? Well, pay attention. You better shut up, Riley Finn. The hypnosis will cause sclerosis. RILEY My boots! I can't move my boots! GILES My glasses! My God, I can't clean my glasses! BUFFY It's as if we're glued to the

spot! ANGEL Bingo!  So quake with fear, you mortal fools! RILEY (Breaks down in tears) We're stuck! ANGEL (sung) It's something you'll get used to. Everyone needs a little fuck. GILES You won't find mortals quite the easy mark you imagine.  This hypnosis sclerosis?  it is I suppose, some kind of psycho-somatic capillary-constriction command word? BUFFY You mean? GILES Yes, Buffy, it's something we've heard of vamps having for quite some time.  But it seems our friend here has found a means of perfecting it.  A power capable of breaking down human will and then controlling it within the body and, who knows, perhaps even mentally projecting. RILEY You mean he's going to mentally control our hineys? ANGEL Hiney, Whiney Riley! You better shut up, Riley Finn. You better shut up, build your butt up, You better shut up? OZ And then he stood up? RILEY Stop! ANGEL Don't get hot and horny! This line is quite corny. BUFFY You're an asshole, but you better not try to enspell us, Angelus. (Angelus's eyes flash red and Buffy turns to stone) GILES You're an asshole, but you better not try to enspell us, Angelus. (Angelus's eyes flash red and Giles turns to stone) RILEY You're a poopyhead-- (Angelus's eyes flash red and Riley turns to stone) CORDELIA My God!  I can't stand any more of this!  First you cancel my credit cards, and then you throw out my wardrobe for an old overcoat and these pajamas!  You bully other people and take their stuff?  I wanted you?  d'ya hear me! I wanted you.  And what did it get me?  Yeah, I'll tell you -- a big nothing.  You're like a leech.  You drink, drink, drink, and drain others of their blood and emotion. Yeah, well, I've had enough!  You're gonna choose between me and Spike, so named because of? something I can't think of. (Angelus's eyes flash red and Cordelia turns to stone) ANGELUS It's not easy finding good help? (Angelus's eyes flash red and Spike turns to stone) Even feeding makes my face ache?  And my childers turn on me?  Spike's behaving just the way he always did.  Do you think I made a mistake, taking out his chip before getting him to agree to destroy the world for me? (Willow walks over to where Angelus is. Xander follows) WILLOW Ahhh! I grow weary of this world!  When shall we open the Hellmouth, huh? ANGEL Willow, I am indeed grateful to both you and your boyfriend, Xander. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when my libido takes me, I can be quite generous. WILLOW I ask for nothing? ANGEL That works, too. Come, we are ready for the ritual. OZ And so, by some extraordinary coincidence, fate, it seemed, had decided that Buffy and Riley should keep that appointment with their friend, Mr. Giles. But it was to be in a situation which none of them could have possibly foreseen. And, just a few hours after declaring their mutual hatred of the Initiative, Buffy and Riley had both been tasted?  By the Initiative's enemies.  This irony was proof that Angelus was again a vampire with no soul and a significant appetite. What further dangers were they to be subjected to? And what of the ritual that had been spoken of?  On top of the Hellmouth?  In the middle of the night?  What diabolical plan had seized Angelus's crazed imagination?  What indeed?  From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be? no picnic. Blood Tints My World (Unfreeze - Cordelia) CORDELIA It was great when he first bit me. I was an Angelus devotee. But it was over right when he decreed To damn the Sunnydale bourgeoisie. Now the only thing that's left to try Is to find myself a handsome guy. Blood tints my world, keeps me safe from hunger and pain. (Unfreeze - Spike) SPIKE I'm two hundred years young, And extraordinarily well hung. And the next few days should be quite fun Since my hunger has been unstrung. But the one thing that I like best Is biting into Riley's neck.. Blood tints my world and keeps me safe from hunger and pain. (Unfreeze - Buffy) BUFFY It confuses me; Angelus uses me! I'll look good; you'll see, In a

spaghetti strap bikini. What's this? Let's see, I feel sexy! What's gotten into me? Woo! Mr. Pointy again. (Camera close up revels Buffy's?  um, impaled herself on her own stake) (Unfreeze - Riley) RILEY I feel anemic; Hypoglycemic. The problem is I'm bulimic; How do I get it back? My blood sugar has gone away; And the craving's there to stay. Spike can suck me all day. I love his hunger attacks. ANGEL Whatever happened to Faith? That buxom, young Slayer who left? As she fought Nine vampires. When she lit them On fire And in black leather she was quite well dressed. Give your blood over to nocturnal demons. Feel the warm fires of flames coming from Hell. Erotic nightmares, without any reason. So you lose the daytime?  It's just as well. You don't really need it.  No, no, no. Don't bleed it, drink it. (four times) ALL Don't bleed it, drink it (eight times) (On sixth line, Angelus's eyes flash and Giles is unfrozen) GILES Whoa!  We've got to get out of this school Before this vampire makes us food. I've got to be tough, and hope that's enough or else my control may well snap and my life will be lived? (feels face which has gone all bumpy and ridgey) as a vamp! BUFFY It confuses me; Angelus uses me! RILEY God bless Joss Whedon. ANGEL Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me? me I'm a crazy and an deadly vamp. I'm undead with a pissed off rant. You get a red light on the indicator lamp. Your heart'll thump and you make me pant. So run for cover in the nearby woods. We're gonna getcha just like we should. Blood tints my world, keeps me safe from my hunger and pain. ALL We're crazy and deadly vamps. We're undead with a pissed off rant. You get a red light on the indicator lamp. Your heart'll thump and you make us pant. So run for cover in the nearby woods. We're gonna getcha just like we should. Blood tints my world, keeps me safe from my hunger and pain. We're crazy and deadly vamps. We're crazy and deadly vamps. We're undead with a pissed off rant. You get a red light on the indicator lamp. Your heart'll thump and you make us pant. So run for cover in the nearby woods. We're gonna getcha just like we should, should, should. Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my hunger and pain. (Xander and Willow enter from the rear door in black leather outfits) XANDER Yo, Angelus, it's all done here. Your family is a failure; Your childers go astray. I am your new sire; You now are my childer. We return to Los Angeles. Prepare the Chevrolet. ANGEL Wait! I can explain! (Angelus goes and speaks to Cordelia, who goes and turns on the spotlight; and to Spike who goes and turns on the stage lights) I'm Spinning Off ANGEL On the day the school blew up? ALL Oh no? ANGEL I nearly threw up? ALL Way to go? ANGEL I want to act again, and stay on. ALL With my own show? ANGEL Sign here, and that will mean I may. ?cause I've been, Undervalued oh, Underrated in my eyes (Willow yawns with disinterest) And I realize, I'm spinning off. ALL I'm spinning off. (Willow yawns) ANGEL In Sunnydale it's been the same? ALL ?feeling? ANGEL ?like I'm outside feeling lame? ALL ?wheeling? ANGEL ?Easy To try and find a fight? ALL ?dealing? ANGEL ?death from pencils, death from light. ?Cause I've been, oh, undervalued, Underrated in my eyes And I realize, I'm spinning off. ANGEL & ALL I'm spinning off. (3 times) (applause, then Vampire Prostitutes disappear) WILLOW Well that answered nothing. (Angelus turns around and sees the house empty) XANDER And rather self-centered, even for you. You see, when I said we were to return to Los Angeles, I referred only to Willor and myself.  I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, but you see, you are to remain here; in ashes, anyway. GILES Good lord, that's a crossbow! XANDER Yes, Oz.  A crossbow capable of firing a bolt of pure anti-mater. BUFFY That doesn't make any sense. GILES Neither does anything else in this episode.  Continuity must be protected. XANDER See, Oz gets it.  And now, Angelus, your time has come.  Say good-bye to all of this, and hello to

oblivion. (Cordelia screams - get staked) (Angelus tries to escape by climbing the curtain) (Angelus screams - gets staked, falls) (Spike moans over and falls on Angelus's ashes) (Picks him up and begins to climb the tower - gets staked in the stomach, staked in the back, staked in the shoulder, staked in ther armpit, and finally staked through the heart ? Spike's and Angel's ashes fall into the pool) BUFFY Jeez, Xander!  What's your problem? RILEY Oh! You killed them!  Now they'll never feed from me again. (Buffy glares at him) WILLOW But I thought you'd liked him.  He liked you. XANDER I didn't like him! I never liked him! GILES You did right. XANDER (Primping) A decision had to be made. GILES You're O.K. by me. (holds out his hand as to shake it with Xander) XANDER Oz, I'm sorry about your? GILES Jenny? Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, heh, heh, heh. (cleans glasses) XANDER You should leave now, Mr. Giles, while it is still possible.  We are about to suck the entire school down through the Hellmouth, into Hell.   It's on the other side.  Of the Hellmouth. Go? Now. (to Willow) Our vision is completed, my most beautiful sister-like-platonic-friend-except-not-now-that-we're-both-sexy-creatures-of-the-night, and soon we shall return to the blood-drenched shores of our beloved Hell dimension. WILLOW Oh?  Sweet Sunnydale, land of the Hellmouth?  To sing and dance once more to your demon lords. To take?  That? pretty girl in plain sight! XANDER & WILLOW Ha! XANDER But it's the pelvic THRUST! (flashback to Fuck Over Xander sequence) ALL That really drives him insaaaaane WILLOW And the demons will fuck you over AGAIN! (Shot of the entire school being sucked down into the Hellmouth as Buffy and Riley carry Giles out) Super Heroes (Buffy and Riley are crawling around on the ground outside the school, in mist) BUFFY I've slain a lot. Vamps know I try To end their days. I slay their kind. But all I know is down inside I'm? ALL ?bleeding? (Riley comes on the screen like a cat) RILEY And so my girlfriend comes to slay To fuck them up Three times a day. And all I know is still the vamps are? ALL ?breeding? BUFFY (Buffy is on the ground) My bitch, I can't find my bitch. RILEY (Riley is on the ground) My mistress, I can't find my mistress. GILES (Giles is on the ground) My glasses, I can't find my glasses.   (Red light on Buffy) (Scene starts to turn grainy, and fades into a woodcut illustration in a book, which Oz closes) OZ And crawling Past the ruined school Some mortals I regard as fools? They keep us safe While vampires rule The evenings. ALL Evenings? Tuesday Evening/UPN - Reprise NERF HERDER Tuesday evening, UPN. Angelus has died and. Lost his friends. Dust has covered Buffy and Riley. Willow and Xander At least are smiley. Grr, ah, ah, argh. On the eight PM, UPN, TV show. I want to go, oh, oh, oh. Watch the eight PM, UPN, TV Show.

[ultimatenutshackfangirl]

My Nutshack Joke Tally

It’s basically like the one @glutko / @its-the-nutshack made, but with more entries like slapstick or 4th wall breaks. Also, if you saw my reblogs, you’ll know that glutko/its-the-nutshack missed some pop culture references here and there, so I’ll point them out in this new joke tally for those who didn’t see the original reblogs.

Ass/Breast Shots: 72 Dalypino Babies Killed: At least 350 (If not higher) Genitalia Jokes: 271 (And that's without counting the jokes about Tito) Drug/Weed Jokes: 169 Fat Jokes: 24 Incest Jokes: 3 LGBT+ Jokes: 171 Masturbation Jokes: 37 Midget Jokes: 12 Toilet Humor Jokes: 96 Pop-Culture References: 221.5 Road Trippin' additions: 2 (The Wizard of Oz, The Smurfs) Pimp my Jeepney additions: 4 (Sir Mix-A-Lot, Wowowee, Michael Jackson, and Kool & The Gang) Blind Dick additions: 1 (Street Fighter) Blackapino additions: 2 (TheWillPower, NWA) TTBoy & Kid Utut additions: 27.5 (TheWillPower, DiC Entertainment's Sonic cartoons, Elvis Presley, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, James Bond, Fist of the North Star, Spiderman, Jollibee, Alien, Friday the 13th, Auguste Rodin, South Park, Gerber, Der Ring des Nibelungen, and possibly Super Smash Bros. Brawl) Fatherland additions: 1 (True Capitalist Radio) El Bombadero additions: 1 (Bebe's Kids) Slasher additions: 1 (JoJo's Bizarre Adventure) Racist Jokes: 219 Times Phil Does his Signature Walk: 16 Sexual Jokes: 208 Violence "Jokes": 39 Barrel Man References: 5.5 (.5 for Phil's Jay costume in Slasher because @erk-thejerk thought it was an actual Barrel man costume) N-Bombs Dropped: 9.5 (.5 for when Nump said "YEE, my ninja!" in Blackapino, because even though it's not the actual N word, the show treats it like it actually is because Jack mishears it and the MyxTV/myxglobal YouTube upload went so far as to censor it.) Instances of Tito Dick Guilt-Tripping Phil: 4 4th Wall Breaks: 7 Unnecessary Dwayne Abuse: 12 Slapstick: 3 Road Trippin': 2 (Jack continuously losing whatever snack he gets from the fridge and Phil's crash (Ditto for the extended version of that scene)) Fatherland: 1 (Tito running into a wall while under the influence of weed) Hidden Nutshack Logos: 2 (In Pimp my Jeepney and El Bombadero) Predictions: 4 TTBoy & Kid Utut: 3 (Certain SSB Final Smashes where characters shoot big lasers, South Park's "Medicinal Fried Chicken" episode, and one of the elevator scenes from Gangnam Style) Fatherland: 1 (Duterte's "war" on drugs) In-Show Foreshadowing: 3 Got Surgery?: 2 (Chita telling Phil "Maybe you should get ball implants for that tiny package." foreshadows Chode Warrior, while the Red Nipple Gang graffiti in Jack's daydream somewhat foreshadows Blind Dick.) TTBoy & Kid Utut: 1 (Jack/Kid Utut gorging on laced birth control pills, causing him to eventually give birth to his evil twin from Slasher.)

[maddiehelps]

gayle sentence starters

"It's been a little difficult to trust you since that incident last summer."

"You faked your own death to have an edible arrangement sent to your home."

"You watch your mouth in my house."

"No son of mine's gonna play Spanish guitar!"

"Planted a wireless modem in her leg, so whenever we go on vacations, we get the best WiFi."

"I've give up all the risotto in the world for thirty minutes with that slice of pumpkin pie."

"I'd tear that thing up like a corn on the cob."

"What would YOU have done?"

"Today you look like a storyteller, and I can't stand it."

"You cannot leave my house dressed like a thief."

"You BETTER not be dressed like a movement teacher."

"I can't tell, is that my daughter or Howard Stern?"

"I always make my groceries into the house with one trip. No exceptions."

"For one, I was covered head to toe in car grease."

"So I go out to her Toyota Corolla and cut her brake lines."

"The coward's way out? I'd rather take a bullet."

"I call the Coast Guard and ask them to airlift my out, and they won't."

"Had to get rid of my son. So I put him on eBay."

"His Stockholm Syndrome was wearing off."

"I black out from the rage, and come to covered head to toe in hollandaise sauce."

"All that stress had led me to treat myself like a buttery potato dish."

"A little trick I learned on 60 Minutes about drug mules."

"I was off my face on Terra Chips."

"Does this look like the fleece of a woman who's gonna sing a Pitbull song?"

"Every time you hear a Pitbull song, you forget a geometric property."

"The Black-Eyed Peas are responsible for 200% accounts of road head."

"He looks like an uncle that everyone is worried about."

"The only thing he's on the edge of is substitute teaching or ordering potato skins as an appetizer at TGI Friday's."

"Listening to Gloria Estefan singing her boring lungs out for 48 hours was the closest I've ever come to rolling my car on the freeway."

"The bay area is as flaccid as Dennis Quaid."

"I don't want them in the house because I don't want you two rooting around in each other's pinch pots."

"And if they only offer you store credit, tell them I will be ghost riding my car through their store front!"

“She’s the Trader Joe’s of Hollywood. I get it, you do things a little differently. Now cut the shit.”

“When you get upset you sound like Sufjan Stevens crying in a tree because an owl played his french horn without asking.”

"If you mention my coupon stockade in broad daylight one more time, I will roast you like a pepper."

"I don't have an ass. I just have a back that turns into legs."

"Quiche is just pizza that went to private school."

"At least she’s not some ICHABOD CRANE CHILD who’s afraid of his own DICK."

"Radiohead sounds like what is essentially Tim Burton dry heaving into a jack-o-lantern."

"I look like Willy. Goddamn. WONKA!"

“Ever see one of those make-up tutorials where the girl just decimates her face for like 14 minutes?”

"Take a left at the chode-y pine, but try not to throw up, because it looks like a lean cuisine."

"What happened, did someone plant a raisinet in the 60s and water it with milk?"

"Every time a guy flirtatiously pushes a girl in the pool, the devil cries a joyous tear of axe body spray."

"If you play Smash Mouth while you're sleeping, it's gonna make you a little bit dumber."

[sheilacwall]

Snak The Ripper & R.A. The Rugged Man – Knuckle Sandwich (Official Music Video)

Learn how to rap like the pros

Buy iTunes gift card

,

Snak The Ripper is performing LIVE in Europe this month! GET TICKETS: http://SnakTheRipper.com/shows.html Directed by Stuey Kubrick Produced by C-Lance VFX: Steven Davies Scratches by D-rec Album: Snak The Ripper, Off The Rails

LYRICS: Snak The Ripper: Im in a perfect position to throw, a fist to ya throat, six in a row, no detonation code, I’m fit to explode, these bitches and hoes, ripping my clothes, licking my chode, creeping through the darkest alleys, I don’t stick to the road, I’m the shit and they know, kick in door, don’t aim high, I’m hitting ’em low, better watch out the kid is a pro, no more empty pit in my soul, I quit the liquor and blow, guess I’m switching my flow cause I don’t want my ticker to go, YO! Better believe it I’ma leave em with a back hand, never defeated, always weeded breathing like a fat man, keeping em bleeding, taking a beating probably need a cat scan, roll up the weed, then I proceed, to follow the attack plan With a couple obese chicks, I’m watching em mud wrestle, these rappers are cheese dicks, they talking but nuttin special, They fool you cheap tricks but I’m launching a scud missile, I’m spitting extreme shit, till I’m popping a blood vessel, If you tryin and pull some slick shit I’m knocking out your chiclets, sweet dreams bitches, I ain’t talking bout Eurythmics, send your a mom some dick pics, my fingers smell like fish sticks, giving you a noogie, purple nerplin’ your bitch tits, they wondering why all my shit is so dirty it’s probably cause I ain’t been fuckin with soap, call me the master of puppets the way that I’m pulling these strings like I’m plucking a note, roll to your spot with a couple of blokes and a couple of things that I tucked in my coat, nobody fucking with me I been throwing these elbows cause all of my knuckles are broke,

Chorus: yo this is blunt force trauma, bet you find it tough to manage, wake up with your head wrapped up in a bloody bandage, on a stretcher while they try to treat the fuckin damage, this is what’ll happen when you eat a knuckle sandwich yo this is blunt force trauma, bet you find it tough to manage, wake up with your head wrapped up in a bloody bandage, on a stretcher while they try to treat the fuckin damage, this is what’ll happen when you eat a knuckle sandwich!

R.A. The Rugged Man: Sluggish snail snot trail. Murder male, not pale Body drop, cop failed, molotov cocktail Kills. I never believe in the death and decievin’ The eating the apple The Garden of Eden. Klonopin, meth and they speeding and tweakin’ I’m makin’ a killin’, it’s murderer season With Jessica Lang and I’m beatin’ my chest Be like Idi Amin ’cause I’m eatin’ their flesh No rules though, let’s go back to old school flow Original Hannibal Lecter, Manhunter my past life I smacked the apostles and crashed The Last Supper, Man suffer, so damn gutter – I was great before my great granddaddy’s dick spit out my grandmother Like a torpedo, B-Hop / Tito, they can’t stop the reign Peabo, I’m in my prime: Royce / Preemo And I’m self made, look at no Dre, Vietnam that any foe pray Go to combat: Reggie Ossé, go beyond rap, heavy no pay And I drive drunk, crash whips, girls grab your tits Rope-a-dope the Pope ’til he choke on a bag of dicks Flip the parked car, John Carpenter Dark Star At the Shark Bar or in Vancouver with Nardwuar, It’s nevertheless, they said it the best Rebel in the street, they better protest Get ’em undressed, the devil possessed The end of the west, ahead of the rest Classic rhyme, damage the mind, like the passage of time Snap a spine, Lord master divine

Chorus: yo this is blunt force trauma, bet you find it tough to manage, wake up with your head wrapped up in a bloody bandage, on a stretcher while they try to treat the fuckin damage, this is what’ll happen when you eat a knuckle sandwich yo this is blunt force trauma, bet you find it tough to manage, wake up with your head wrapped up in a bloody bandage, on a stretcher while they try to treat the fuckin damage, this is what’ll happen when you eat a knuckle sandwich!

© 2019 Stealth Bomb Records Inc. All Rights Reserved.

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The post Snak The Ripper & R.A. The Rugged Man – Knuckle Sandwich (Official Music Video) appeared first on Hip Hop World Music.

from Hip Hop World Music https://hiphopworldmusic.com/snak-the-ripper-r-a-the-rugged-man-knuckle-sandwich-official-music-video/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=snak-the-ripper-r-a-the-rugged-man-knuckle-sandwich-official-music-video from Hip Hop World Music https://hiphopworldmusic.tumblr.com/post/188312360628

[thetravellingvagrant]

Day 25- Zadar/Slunj: In Which I Am Spurned By Croatian Wario

For the third day in the row I found myself awake and as close to alert as I can get, before 8am. The previous two day's early rousings had put my circadian rhythm on a significantly earlier cycle than it had been, or indeed had any justifiable reason to be. This was irritating, especially today, as my bus to my next destination, the wonderfully named Slunj (though disappointingly pronounced Sloon) was at half past two in the afternoon. Thus, I found myself with seven hours to kill; three of which would be outside the confines of my flat, if Slavica was to be picky about check-out times.

I packed my things up and took care of various bits of admin with no less panic than I normally did, but at a definitively slower pace, even having time to have a panic-break to make and eat another round of pancakes (also successful). As I was finishing my starchy breakfast, there was a knock on the door. It was close to checkout time now, so I feared the worst. I answered it to Slavica's crumbling pre-historic face.

“heelo” she said

“Hi...” I replied, cautiously.

“I am leeveenk now”

I wondered if she had misspoken and had meant to say “you are leaving now” instead, but she continued.

���I have no more bookings, so you go when you like and leave keys on table. I wish you good luck with travels and with rest of life” and with that, she shook my hand and left. Aw. Slavica, Aw...

I shut the door warmed by her words, if not by the heating of the flat and celebrated not having to leave the apartment until the exact moment I needed to. Briefly. Even with the extra two hours, I was still basically behind schedule.

I gave myself a little extra time to get to the bus station and find my bus- of course I did. I 'm not an idiot- which ended up being a great move on my part as, unbeknownst to me, Zadar bus station doesn't have a departure board. You just have to sort of...know where your bus is going to be, by magic, I suppose, because it certainly isn't written on the ticket. In the end, with ten minutes until it was due to depart, I found my bus via a combination of luck,  witchcraft and asking someone. I approached the greasy, unpleasant looking conductor, so he could take my bag and put it in the hold.

He proceeded to take the bags of every woman, regardless of their position in the queue, before even thinking to touch mine and when he did, he threw it haphazardly and with some force and it landed awkwardly. He also charged me a 10 kuna baggage handling fee. What an absolute glans of a man.

I settled into my seat, irritated by this grotesque human chode and quickly and for the first time on this trip, the bus filled up. Fortunately my journey was only to take around 3 hours, so it wouldn't be that terrible. I could just settle into my seat, watch some trash and relax. Or I could have done, if the slimy little bagman didn't waddle his fat carcass up the bus to me, specifically to demand I come down to the front, for some reason. Miffed and slightly concerned, I obliged, with great effort, squeezing past my seatmate and everyone who had decided to sit in front of me's elbows and bags.

I stood at the front of the bus as he admitted two more women onto it, just waiting for him to stop being a lech until he finally turned his attention to me. He asked for my ticket. I showed it to him and he scanned it. On his mobile fucking phone. Why not bring that with you to me at the back of the bus? Why did I have to scramble across a bus full of people just so you didn't have to carry a few grams of extra weight with you? Why are you such a fucking prick? My mind was awash with questions, though I realised I would not be given an answer. Instead, I gruffly snatched my phone back, rolled my eyes and made the arduous journey back to my seat. Wasteman.

The bus journey, although short, was hard, like a diamond dwarf. The sheer number of people on board had made it an uncomfortable experience in that I couldn't stretch or move my legs to the side, had no room to manoeuvrer my arms to effectively scratch or adjust my clothes and the excess heat and smell that all these people gave off, coupled with the gentle swaying of the bus had begun to make me feel quite sick.

Pleasingly, though, at around the half-way mark of the journey, all of a sudden the landscapes I was idly eyeing up from my window began to be covered by a brilliant blanket of white snow. Very pleasing to look at- from the window at least.

This snowfall continued, and indeed worsened to a slightly worrying degree and by the time I had arrived in Slunj, I stepped off the bus into shin deep drifts.

Artist’s impression.

I hoped that this wouldn't effect the remainder of my travel plans, though knowing that hope was my only weapon in this fight, I moved on to my next AirBNB regardless.  I alternated between walking on the road and, when confronted with passing cars or snow-ploughs (though crucially, no gritters...) wading into the drifts. Progress was slow, cold and wet and the ten minute walk doubled in length in short order. Eventually, though, I found the guesthouse, nestled in amongst about a million other guesthouses, I phoned the host and was let inside. I dumped my stuff and quickly connected to the wifi. It didn't work. Three in a row for broken wifi. Fan fucking tastic. I gave up all hope then and there and decided to fuck off for some food and just not think about it.

The mood I was in meant that I was really quite keen to get a burger to take back to the accommodation to sit, munching unhappily through in a state of undress, fuming silently as I did, however Slunj is just not a big enough town to boast frivolities such as takeaways, and so I was lumbered with the tedious task of eating in a restaurant. I guess that was fine.

I dragged myself back through the snow to the town centre and jumped in to the salty and it hurt my lips, but I was still happy to be eating. Now...not quite sated, but certainly not hungry, I dropped in to the local and seemingly only supermarket for some provisions for tomorrow night's dinner and, for the third time that day, made the same walk through now borderline waist-deep snow back to the apartment.

I had hoped that in the time I was gone, the internet might have sorted itself out, however this uncharacteristic hope was met with entirely characteristic disappointment, when I got back, because it just hadn't. With no internet and therefore no means to work on anything productive, such as, say, a blog, I had no choice but to keep watching the trash that I had previously downloaded, which, by this point, I was becoming far beyond sick of, and to head to bed very, early.

[adambstingus]

Are You The One Season Finale Recap: Just Put Me Out of My Goddamn Misery (PART TWO)

Since everyone bitches and whines about how long my recaps are, I separated them into two parts. Pick up a book, you lazy pieces of shit and read part 1 here >>

Chuck is like, were not going to win so next match ceremony Im picking Britni and everyone is like Chuck and Alec start yelling at each other and having a food fight, which pisses off Alec more because hes a firm believer that you should never waste food.

Alec: WE SHOULD NEVER QUIT Chuck: Eat a dick dude

Chuck goes up to push Alec, which is a huge mistake surfer brah, and Alec shoves Chuck to the ground like hes made of paper. Alec, congrats, your ovaries have officially transformed into a small chode of a penis. Gotta start somewhere.

Britni is like You would shove Chuck, who btw looks like a Ken doll version of the lead singer of AFI, for money?! Thats some shit ONLY poor people would say. Britni, people have done way worse shit for way less money. Read a book, tune into the news, watch Empire (or read my recaps).

Rashida and Devin are like And I agree. I did not sit through 10 weeks of this retarded shit to watch yall give up.

Devin is like If I can get this fresh batch of mentally incapable humans to win this stupid fucking reality show, it would be equivalent to the greatest feat in sports history. Which sport? Speed walking? Turn on ESPN Devin, I fucking dare you.

Zak and Hannah are mourning the fact that they arent a match, and tbh, I am too.

Cheyenne is talking to Devin about how he is disrespectful and is like

Devin: (actual quote) Im a shit head, but not a total shit head. – I honestly dont even need to try and be funny for these recaps, they all say enough stupid shit where I dont even have to try.

THE GAME

Chuck is like, I was hammered last night and said dumb shit and Im going to actually play this thing. Thank god Chuck, otherwise I seriously would have cunt punted you, and your little dog too! (Britni)

The game is the easiest one of the season: its an obstacle course with girls sitting on their back. There is a true/false section, where if the team guesses it right, then they get 30 seconds off their time.

Zak and Kayla are in first, which is crazy because Zak might be the smallest out of all of them. Alec is terrible with this shit and is back to being a giant bitch.

Melanie and Tyler go to the true or false thing, where Mel admits she offered Chuck a threesome, which is a new low.

Kayla and Zak win, being the Italian stallions. Rashida and Devin get second and Mel/Tyler get third because they answered the question right- aka, Mel is a closeted freak.

Stacey is talking to Nelson about how she has no idea who her match is and shes talking so fast I could have sworn it was a Gilmore Girls episode. You can def tell Stacey is fucking hammered in this, but its cool. I love Stacey. And apparently so does Nelson. Okay whatever.

Meanwhile, Alec is flirting with Amanda and Kiki is like WTF. Which is literally her reaction to everything- WTF.

THE DATE

Theyre hanging out on fucking boat that doesnt even have a bar. That sounds like some Life of Pi shit.

Devin and Rashida are flirting and shes like except this shitty white guy with a butt chin.

Zak and Kayla are like you remind me of my family so they must be a match- some fucking Freudian shit right there. Chelsey the aspiring psychologist is probably fucking creaming her pants somewhere in the distance.

Tyler and Melanie are like, were besties and Tyler thinks thats code for match but Mel was like,

THE TRUTH BOOTH

The group makes a smart decision for once ,(they probably all broke out in hives afterwards because we all know they are allergic to brainpower), and send Zak and Kayla to the truth booth. Hannah is like Hannah save the stupid lines for Hunter please, babe.

Zak and Kayla make their way to the truth booth, looking like a set of fraternal twins walking into their grandmas 90th birthday. Not gonna lie, Im stressed right now. Im on bottle number 2 of wine, and shit is REAL rn.

Results are in and- THEYRE A PERFECT MATCH! YAAAAAAASSSS.

Everyone is screaming and jumping while Hannah is like, . Its okay Hanz, its not like these matches are real. Those rules arent even real! They were real that day I wore a vest!

Alec and Kiki are flirting and they are drunk AF and Kiki is like Shes talking about how she got stupid fucking matching bracelets for her perfect match and Im like

Devin is doing his shit math again using red solo cups, I feel like an algebra class is being taught in a frat house. Aka this shit is dumb AF.

They determine there are two scenarios- one where Kiki mtches with Alec, and one where she doesnt. Guess which one best friends forever bracelet Kiki wants?

The decide to use deductive reasoning and rationality.

Jk, they decide to flip a fucking coin. I CANT RIGHT NOW WITH YOU PEOPLE. Hunter is like Here is a quarter and ew, I dont trust anyone who has change offhand like that. Get a fucking debit card, you hillbilly fuck.

Kiki is upset because they get scenario one, but you know if the coin flipped for the scenario she wanted shed be like PERFECT! ITS ALL SETTLED, THIS COIN IS HOLY.

Tyler is like, Fuck your heart Tyler, fuck it. Austin is like WOAH you need to figure this shit out. Like I dont mean to sound aggressive, but if you fuck us all over were probs gonna stab you.

Never did I ever think that the game would rest in Tylers hands. Take a drink to that.

THE FINAL MATCH UP CEREMONY

Devin is like, there is a high possibility we lose- not high, almost definite. But he thinks they chose scenario one for a reason, that reason being a coin flip.

Ryan gives some speech about love and how they need it and its like, save it Ryan. Empire comes on in 20 minutes and I need to get this show on the road.

Austin is first and he picks Britni– basing it off the fact that he wanted a girlfriend who would be a ghost for most of their relationship and they would get together eventually when it was convenient. You know what thats called? A fuckbuddy. You came on a reality show to find a fuckbuddy. May I suggest Tinder next time?

Hunter is next, and Ryan is like, do you all have a strategy? And hes like clearly fate isnt on our side, so we decided to do a coin flip. So, fates not on your side, and you decided to rely on it again? Seems legit.

Ryan is like, And Connor and Chelsey are like

Hunter picks Hannah, which is a weird match but whatever I dont care anymore. Im gonna be honest, this whole season I thought Hunter was secretly gay.

Devin is up next and he picks Rashida. Rashida, girl, I have been praying for you. Clearly I am a sinner because my prayers have not been well received. My b.

Tyler is up next and were all on edge. Hes like I think Melanie is my match truly and this is the biggest plotline he has had all season, so hes rollin with it. Tyler ends up picking Cheyenne, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief.

Alec picks Amanda, and Kiki is like WTF (again). What is she gonna do with her bracelet?!!!!

Nelson picks Stacey and RyDev is like, And shes like, Okay, thatll work. Cant wait for an invite to the wedding.

Chuck is up next and gives an inspiring speech. Well, it would be inspiring if he wasnt talking to a band of idiots who put their fate in a coin toss and if he didnt look like a homeless folk singer.

Chuck picks Melanie. Shes like, well this sucks because well never date because hes still fucking Brittni. Maybe you can get that threesome you wanted, skank.

Kiki is last, and ends up alone, well, because her match is Mike. #tbt to Mike. LOL. She shows those bracelets to Ryan and Ryan tries so hard not to fucking vomit on her. Kiki is like I am not confident at all Mike is my match and honestly, ditto.

The beams and RyDevs dramatic hand motions begin. They get 4 beams, which they have never gotten before, so #progress..They get a 5th, then a 6th, then a 7th. Everyone is on edge as fuck, and I am stunned into complete silence at home. Even my boyfriend, who has migrated out of the room is whispering no fucking way to himself. Idk if he is saying that because hes surprised Im silent for once, or surprised that they just might actually win.

They get 8 OMG, They literally need one more to win the fucking game. Im shaking.

THEY GOT TEN BEAMS! THEY WIN THE FUCKING GAME.

MIRACLES HAPPEN (queue song from The Princess Diaries)

MTV IS THE LAND OF DREAMS

IM CRYING

IM SCREAMING, I FEEL THINGS

Okay, Im back. Wow Im hammered. So its made clear- either MTV is a magical place where miracles prevail, or this shit is staged AF. I mean, we all saw The Hills.

Wow, thats it for this season and this truly unique group of escaped mental patents. Thanks for reading, even though, lets be honest- I made your shitty Thursdays infinitely better. And to the cast who read and tweeted me, thanks for having a thick skin. Low key surprised I havent received a death threat from Britni by now. Good luck existing in the real world, you all are sure gonna need it. And if youre ever in California, come buy me a beer, because god knows I deserve one for putting up with your shit.

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2), a.prevBody{display: none;}

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/are-you-the-one-season-finale-recap-just-put-me-out-of-my-goddamn-misery-part-two/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/178560286887

[smoothshift]

I think my poor dealership experience far exceeds the others. via /r/cars

I think my poor dealership experience far exceeds the others.

This happened around 8 months ago. At the time, I was driving a 1996 Pontiac Grand Prix and needed something bigger to transport various scrap metals and other treasures.

After browsing craigslist, I found a sweet '01 Isuzu Axiom at a local premium car lot. Only 163k from 5 owners. I set an appointment to see this gem, and I roll into the lot and park my Prix right up front. The salesman descends the stairs from the sales trailer and greets me with a smile. Let's call him Lloyd.

I knew I was in for trouble from square one. "You know what 'Pontiac' stands for, right?" said Lloyd, smirking. Before I could process this egregious quip, he snapped "I'm just kidding, son! But in all seriousness, that thing's suspension is sagging more than your wife's tots. Anywho, let's take a look at this rice-box you wanna see."

At this point I should have seen all the red flags, but they were hard to see behind the wacky-waving-inflatable-tube-man in front of the sales trailer, so I continued on.

So we get to the Axiom, and she's looking pretty good. Only a few patches of faded paint, and a small 24" crack in the windshield. Lloyd fights with the passenger door handle, but is able to lift and pull the door open. We get inside and the car reeks of black ice air fresheners. Just like home. So far, so good.

We start the 'Zu and after the belt squeaks die down, Lloyd tries sizing me up. I was wearing my clean US Polo Association collared shirt, and some pretty new Lee Dungarees, so I knew they'd honor their "No Credit / No Problem" guarantee.

The car was driving good and things were going pretty well, but what happened next blew me away. Lloyd opened the glovebox and did a line of cocaine right off the owners manual. "Woo! Original owners manual AND two sets of keys!" he shouted. "And clean as winter snow, to boot!" he said, winking and tapping his nostril.

I tried changing the subject and asked him what features the car had. (I like to be fully informed when making a life changing purchase.) I was met with "There's 6 gawdamn buttons on this radio, figure it out you chode!"

At this point, the Trooper, or whatever it is, began shuddering very hard, and I knew that this would not be the car for me. I have had tranny trouble in the past, and I didn't want to go down that road again.

We get back to the dealership and you can see in Landon's eyes that he's coming down from his skiing trip and is desperate for a sale. "What's it gonna take to put you in this car today?" he says, trying to put the heat on me. "I've got a lot of interest in this cream puff. I've got someone coming to look at it from out of state this afternoon." I says to him, I says, "After careful consideration, I believe it would be in my best interest if I pursued a different vehicle. I thank your for your time and your professionalism." (I thought saying some shit like this might get me $500 off and we could make a deal.)

Larry just shook his head, ran his fingers through this curly red hair, and laughed. I could tell by his reaction we weren't going to make a deal. "Thanks again, hombre," I said, reaching to shake his hands. Before i could react, he yelled "hyeahh!", pulled a buck knife out of his boot, and shanked me in the left hip.

You better believe I left after that! I put a 2 star Google review for Lloyd's lot (the coffee was decent), and ended up with very favorable 84-month financing on a leftover 2016 Mirage.

That was my worst dealer experience.