#getting a weird dysphoria about this one so im posting it before i notice anything

[cute-brainz]

The Prince Solaire

[dying-alot-tbh]

okay this isn’t homestuck and im very sorry I haven’t been posting homestuck but it’s Hello Charlotte stuff and im begging you to play the game.

But uh, here’s my theory, I wrote a small essay on why I believe Charlotte Wiltshire is trans mtf.

It does have a lot of spoilers for the games though (obviously) so if you care about those don’t read I guess?

I did however mark the spoilers for HC3-

Reasons why Charlotte Wiltshire is trans mtf

Or at least heavily trans coded

(Warning, spoilers for Hello Charlotte and mostly HC3 up ahead)

Okay so Hello Charlotte right? It’s a great game in my opinion, with amazing visuals and storyline. But, Charlotte, I believe, is male to female transgender.

Please take into consideration that this is just a head canon. But really she’s so transcoded i can’t even-

Firstly, the mirror memory. When Charlotte gets knocked out in the locker room, she wakes up and has to find a way out of wherever she ends up, accompanied all by Frei.

She goes through a multitude of puzzles and ends up infront of three mirrors showing a flashback or memory in each. The first mirror is a memory called “Feminine.”

The memory shows a young Charlotte talking to Aiden about her growing her hair out and wearing more dresses. Given that we know Aiden and the other tenants are imaginary friends, this could very well be her consciousness supporting her thoughts about being a girl.

Aiden is a figment of her imagination so it’d make sense that he’d know about her feelings or dysphoria.

Now with Anri, I’m well aware that “Charlie” is just a nickname. But with how she treated Charlotte in the first two games I wouldn’t be surprised if that was just Anri deadnaming Charlotte.

And we all know that Charlotte wouldn’t be one to correct her. Charlotte looked up to Anri so she might just put it off. She’s fragile emotionally, as confirmed by Dr. Huxley with the whole Heart wounds thing.

It also would explain her classmates views on her, along with her quote unquote “making stuff up.” According to Anri, Charlotte made up new lies everyday, about her friends at home, about puppeteers, etc.

I could see that being the reason people didn’t like her but it could also be because in school’s, trans kids aren’t the most accepted people, especially in high school.

Now with the issue of Charlotte being liked by her peers. In the first game Charlotte claims that she’s very popular and we are shown this because all the other kids compliment her and call her great.

Along with the tenants, I believe these claims are delusions. At the school trial, no one votes for Charlotte except Anri, even then it’s not guaranteed based off who you vote for.

And aswell as, in the lunchroom, if you choose to talk to the Npcs, despite supposedly liking Charlotte, none of them want her to sit with them. One girl even makes you back out the spot she was saving if you go next to her.

Along with that, they consistently hint at you sitting with Vincent, or C, saying how lonely he looks, and that he just needs someone nice to go sit with him. All telling Charlotte to go sit with the “god” kid they laughed at and mocked earlier.

You could argue it’s just game mechanics pointing you in the right direction, but if he’s sitting alone in the corner, it’s really not that hard to see him and go talk.

With being trans, I get it’s not the same for everyone, but Charlotte isn’t that confident most times and is pretty ignorant. Waving off all the times she was manipulated by Anri, never sticking up for herself, even when her hair was being torn up and cut by bullies,

Her insecurities could be a result of many things, possibly including gender.

and now for the Hello Charlotte 3 spoilers,

It’s not a huge spoiler but could ruin experiences of people who haven’t played the game.

So,

-/- Spoiler warning!!! For HC3!! Skip to the dashed line to avoid them -/-

Now in Hello Charlotte 3, I’m not focusing on Q84 herself, because she was claimed to be non canon if I remember correctly and I don’t know if I’m wrong or not but I never saw any signs of dysphoria or hints at being amab.

Instead I’m focusing on Scarlett Eyler. Now you may be saying, but what does Scarlett have to do with the original Charlotte?

Well if you played or watched the third game, you’d remember how Scarlett was reborn (is that the right word?) as Charlotte from the first two games.

Since Scarlett is female, I believe it just backs my theory.

Picture this, you have the mind (not memories though) of a female, i.e Scarlett. And if you were born male, you might find quite the amount of problems with this.

You identify as female, but you weren’t born one. You might not notice much at your younger age, and no stereotypes are being forced on you because you’re parents don’t visit often. But as you grow up, you start to find more discomfort in how you look.

And I think the reason it was never mentioned explicitly in the games (aside from her not actually been confirmed trans) is because she was never told it wasn’t okay, her brain seemed to block out the bad stuff her classmates said.

Of course she’d be nervous about going female presenting, anyone would. At least Charlotte, who’s mental health wasn’t the most secure in the first place.

—————————————————

Spoilers for HC3 end here!!

———

And my last point, when C/Vincent is escaping the house with Charlotte, he mentioned how Seth Puppeteers (aka you, the player,) are usually assigned to males, so it was weird that Charlotte was assigned one.

If Seth was assigned to Charlotte when she was ten, before she made up her mind about being female, it’s a possibility that she was assigned Seth because at the time, she ‘was’ male.

That brings me to my conclusion. Charlotte shows a lot of possible signs to being transgender, mtf. Based off, flashbacks and memories, the way she’s seen and treated by her classmates, and because of data we know from the 3rd game.

But that’s just a head canon, I personally see her as mtf, but if you don’t, okay then. It’s just an opinion and I don’t want to push it on anyone.

If I missed anything about her being trans, or got anything wrong, I’d love it if you gave criticism or gave me another reason why it could be a thing-

I believe Charlotte is trans! If you don’t see her that way, that’s okay! No hard feelings.

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

ayo the thought of having to go back to school in a little over a month is fucking wild. like.....i feel like i just got out of school and binge watched invincible for the first time. IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. it’s extremely scary thinking about how fast time is passing by because i keep doing the same thing everyday. there’s barely any change in anything. not allowed outside. my IRL friends arent vaxxed yet, and even if they were, my mom’s suspicious of my intentions when going out. and lets not get into the fact that school doesnt stress me out as much, but i’ll be damned if i dont have awful test anxiety still. i feel like everything is fucking passing me by and that sucks ASS. my classmates are going out to beaches and shit, and posting on insta (good for them, i probably need to touch some grass) but like?? i feel like im just being robbed of my life. and teen years and all that. 

i know the pandemic has been hard for LITERALLY everyone. (if you said 2020 was a good year, hush, you’re alone in that regard bestie, dont wanna hear it) but i just......im finally recognizing feelings and all that (shit’s scary man) my thoughts dont match my body whatsoever (not dysphoria, its derealization, or something similar). thats so scary to me. sometimes i catch myself in the mirror and im talking and im like...”thats not me.....oh fuck, it is me.” so i dont look in the mirror and talk aloud, is what im saying. i’ll have a breakdown. but im extremely extroverted. i love people, and seeing people and hugging people. and not feeling like every day that i spend inside of my fucking house is a waste of time because time travel doesnt exist and i cant get any of these days back. at all. it is a never ending cycle. i just want a hug, dude. i’ve never experienced cuddling before either. i would love to platonically cuddle someone. but i got rid of toxic friends (still not over it) and got very radicalized...but for what. my own knowledge and betterment.....but eh. plus i traumadump, nobody wants to hear my sob story, i need to hush. and get in contact with my therapist. and discuss my anxiety issues. and possible depression. and PTSD and so many other things because it’s really not cute. anyways.

also heyy, my body issues are back. like?? hello. not that they ever went away, they just steep for a bit, then start boiling back. and that’s torture for me. having a generally okay body is fine, but then i realize that when i do wear pants, they’re either my overalls (comfort and queerness) or jeans. and yay those are tighter than they were last time. and i know weight fluctuation is a thing that happens, but i really feel like i could do more to not feel as bad. (i mean, sure, i could, but exercising makes me feel horrible mentally so). i see classmates thin and everything (i know thin isnt always healthy, but a part of me wishes that i was bone thin, we wont talk about it) and i know “every body is a bikini body” and i support that initiative 1,000 percent, but A. i have no idea if my parents would even let me get one if i wanted one (i dont) and B. i dont have the confidence to wear something like that. i even hate the fucking swimsuit that i have. i want the fucking full length victorian swimsuits with a shirt and fucking shorts because i cant stand being exposed. my stomach pokes out too much. my arms arent muscly like they were some years back. i just feel....so weird. and the “oh she’s smart, she cant be hot.” one or the other type shit that my brain keeps trying to tell me is real ia NASTY. like heyyy i have a brain, and i use it most days, but my body also shouldnt be fuckshitted like this. this collection of skin and bones keeps me safe (but not from my brain, its on some different shit)

another thing is that i can not wear exposing things. ugh, i would feel so just....out in the open. im literally scared of someone coming behind me and fucking groping me, or slapping my ass. (valid fear) but i literally fucking HATE feeling like that. one, I AM UNDERAGED, and two, ITS NASTY EITHER WAY. and if i went to school, and wore something mildly form fitting, i’d be pushing my body forward to look less noticeable (i dont trust seniors), or pulling my jacket down (i always wear jackets in school) so people arent looking at me. that sucks. and i wish i didnt make my anxiety that bad as to where it just sucks to exist. with a human flesh prison that looks a certain way. i kinda just want to hide my body. permanently. (not dysphoria related, my tits are fine, if they stay, cool, if they don’t, cool) but like...ugh.

and this is where it gets EXTREMELY dark, trigger warning for suicide mention.

yeah last year on the first week of school (virtual) i really wanted to kill myself. which like..isnt okay. i havent really told anyone about that either. because it was an extremely low point for me. i just didn’t think that i could fucking make it through the entire year. all those assignments, and all those days, wasted. im not learning anything valuable (besides maybe science and finance)...i dont know what the fuck i want to do with my life. there’s no such thing as ethical consumption so i’m gonna be contributing to something fucked up, no matter what i do. im weird. and political. and opinionated. and into so many different things. which, y’know, should be cool and fun and fresh. but it terrifies me to know that other people arent like me. that they many never understand my interests. and i feel like this with EVERYONE in EVERY class. unless i see a similar interest. or a tiny flag. but the thought of introducing myself again and again. to more people. who i may never fucking see again. who probably dont care about me. kinda discourages you a bit. so yeah, i really wanted to off myself. it seemed so impossible to get through everything. and then heyyy, near the end of the year, something really shitty happened. was depressed. told my mom i may be autistic... “okay...well....getting diagnoses takes a lot of money. so unless you have 700 bucks laying around....then no.” (who says the person who may ALSO be autistic along with me) few weeks back, talking about my therapist who wanted to talk through the DSM-4 with me “you really think you’re autistic huh.” of course mom. why else would i have written a paper about it, followed actually autistic accounts, and done research on it.

then near the next year, i sucked even more ass. friend shit broke me down and i felt....like i fucked up. which i did. and like i cant keep people in my life. (which is partially true) and i felt more physically exhausted than i had in literal years. i feel very deeply, and especially with negative emotions. so that really fucked me up. (may be something more serious, i have no idea) so there’s that. i just....i’ve never felt like i had been so awful in some time. like i let everyone around me down. so no more of /those/ situations. i dont sleep correctly when my hair is wet, so you can imagine how my dreams were THAT night.

but yeah, i dont feel like wanting to kill myself again. because i know it’s not worth it. but something just keeps pulling me deeper into these disgusting pits of awfulness. like there’s no other way out. (wrong) and gritting my teeth and willing myself to do things is going to hurt, but it’s quite literally the only choice i have. i cant give up. so there’s that. my thoughts and everything. yeah.....it’s 5:10 in the morning, im going the fuck to sleep.

[the-ventriloquizt]

i was looking up adam's big backstory post, and i couldn't find it, so im going to try and gather all the info i've come up with for adam into one big old post!

adam ascott /aka/ easter info dump!

adam has a sorta complex motivation for his crimes, something that goes beyond 'getting money for trans surgeries' but somehow is exactly that... though it's hard for him to explain

it started during his childhood. childhood in metropolis while superman was there meant seeing the guy everywhere, and the expectation that you would look up to him too. adam was born anna, and his life was spent in fear of superman. it started with paranoia. you see, in metropolis, a big way that kids were made to feel safe was that superman would always be there, would always hear you. adam's bad childhood, what with bullying and a lot of victim blaming from his parents, warped this feeling into 'superman knows you're bad'.

once he started noticing he was a guy, suddenly the masculinity exuded by superman and praised by all the men around seemed threatening. this extra threatened feeling led to adam hating superman, and having awful, mean thoughts, and these mean thoughts  led to 'superman knows you hate him'.

adam tried to hide his transness for a while, kept going by anna, even though it made him ill. he began thinking of 'anna' as a different version of him, something still dying off so he could eventually pop out of her corpse, and he waited. he waited.

when he was trying to find a place for himself in metropolis after finishing high school, he was caught up in a bank robbery with some no-name creep that wanted superman's attention. since he was presenting rather femininely and seemed really vulnerable, the guy grabbed him up and dragged him all the way to the top of the bank, holding him to the edge with the threat that he'd be dropped if superman didn't come save him.

superman did show up, and the guy panicked, throwing adam off the edge to distract the superhero. someone in a building across the street took a photo, a photo of a long haired blonde person in a white dress falling to their death, doing nothing, not even screaming. superman caught him, but when he was set on the ground, superman asked...

'Are you okay, miss?'

adam screamed. it was all too much. he screamed, and he pushed away superman, and he ran past the cops, and he ran past the reporters, and he ran all the way to his shitty apartment his family got him while he was in his 'weird phase', as they called it.

'anna' had finally died. the fall killed her, and adam was still raw.

a popular tabloid would have that photo, the photo of 'anna' falling, on the front page. the article would talk about 'the mad woman of metropolis' and how adam screamed, how someone literally screamed after being saved by superman, in this day and age? what, did 'she' want to die?

adam couldn't get work after that. everywhere he went, people asked, 'aren't you that lady that freaked out after getting saved by superman??' and eventually, he couldn't stand it.

the last thing he did before he cut off his family and move away was take what money he could from his account and change his name. 'anna' had died so 'adam' took over.

not that this adam was complete. he still felt wrong when he looked at himself, new name or not. he was still a shell he needed to escape from.

in gotham, nobody asked if he was the 'lady scared of superman'. in fact, in gotham, nobody referred to him at all. he could finally wear his binder and refer to himself properly, and he could start his work. he began working in a bike delivery company during the day...

and when he saw a coded offer for a henchman for egghead leaving retirement for one last heist in the wanted pages, he decided to go for it. he was bad anyways, and he needed the money, and gotham was better. batman couldn't hear him. batman didn't know him. and it didn't matter what happened to this adam, because it was the incomplete adam.

he put on a rabbit mask, and wore some bright clothes, pastels, things he knew egghead wore. the rabbit mask was just what he had on hand, something he got while still in middle school.

the heist went horribly. batman showed up, and while he was distracted with egghead's upset rant about the bat ruining everything, adam ran. he ran, and he ran, and he ran, and batman apparently didn't bother going after him, because he ended up going home without a hint of the bat or his robin chasing him.

he didn't want the egg. the egg was an extremely valuable, priceless, last of it's kind egg, a piece of art. he had no use for it. he thought about selling it, but he didn't know how, or where to bring it. egghead was in jail. there wasn't anything he could do...

(he stashed the egg in a drawer, wrapped in the same white dress 'anna' wore on the day she fell. it was safe, and began standing as a motivation. finish yourself. finish yourself.)

the media ate up the idea of a rabbit running off with an egg while wearing bright colors. began calling him the 'easter bunny', and then eventually just Easter, since it was catchier. adam watched the media die down, and he fully accepted his title. he liked the idea, and realizing that he needed the gimmick if he was ever gonna get the money he wanted for his surgeries to 'complete' himself, began thinking more about what he needed to fully realize his new identity.

he began thinking about this new midpoint between 'anna' and 'adam' as 'easter'. easter was the point between what he had to be and what he wanted to be. easter would still be called adam during the day, but adam couldn't bring himself to actually count as that version of him.

he began playing with some ideas. he carried baskets with him when he stole things, and the best thing he did for himself was formulate his spring-heeled shoes, though the design was stolen off the internet. his boss let him borrow some tools from the shop, under the excuse that he needed to fix his bike up, and he made something that would help him with his escapes and break ins.

he isn't popular yet, but a few higher ranking rogues have borrowed him for a some tasks, including two jobs with the joker (one job to break into a judge's house and steal some family photos, and the other job to break back into the judge's house and replace the family photos, only now they had mustaches painted onto all of his family members. adam was payed in hollowed out carrots full of bills.) he's working on it. the rise in fame is a slow one.

and once he's complete, he's going to return the egg. thats a promise.

-

adam serves as a lackey for hire, specializing in in-and-out thievery and quick escapes, though he doesn't seem to care too much about the 'thrill' of it all. he has a hard time thinking of plans for hisself, and has an even harder time communicating, though if someone sets him on a task, he'll do whatever he can to continue it, even if he gets hurt.

he doesn't have much weaponry, throwing punches or using explosive eggs made specifically for opening safes if pushed, but he prefers to run from confrontation.

he lives in the wayne garden apartments, and does bike delivery for a delivery company during the day... though he's recently figured out that said company was owned by one warren white, who uses it as a way to transport the smaller goods he promises to his clients.

-

eventually adam is caught, not in some big blaze of glory, but confronted in his own apartment by the bat. even faced out of costume, adam still attempts to crawl out of his fourth-story apartment window, unable to figure out why the batman was able to figure out who he was... even though he hadn't really been hiding it so well.

he has a fairly long stint in arkham for endangerment of the self, where he ends up able to get the surgeries he needs for his dysphoria, though it's not as cut-and-dry as he thought it'd be. he'd bet on the surgeries giving him the epiphany of who 'adam' really was, but it wasn't as easy as that, so he still struggles with who he is...

the identity of 'easter' hasn't died yet, and adam often falls back on it when he feels unsure of himself, though after a good deal of therapy he's much less likely to recklessly throw himself off of rooftops... which is a great improvement, if you ask dr arkham.

post-surgery, adam still does heists for egg-themed objects for himself and some lackey work for others, trying to find some sort of balance between the life he'd lived up to that point and a future life.

-

the robin he most often goes up against is tim, though they fight less than they race, with maybe a little bit of teasing from easter’s side. it’s probably the only time he thinks its really fun to run

[1112lw]

Every question!!

SDFFSDFG DAM OK SIS

LONG POST AHEAD IF U LITERALLY WANNA KNOW ME PERSONALLY JUST READ THIS LMFAO

1: Name: Arche/Jupiter, my close friends know my real name so!

2: Age: High school has just been done so try to guess

3: Fears: Heights, oral presentations, the dark

4: 3 things I love: Drawing, men- concept art n stuff like that

5: 4 turns on: Oh here we go- uhh thighs, messy hair? when they give u The Look or when they. say things i will not talk about here HHGBDF n uhhh Arms 👀👀

6: 4 turns off: weird macho attitude, overly confident bullshit, being selfish and fuckboys in general

7: My best friend: not sure what this means but my bff is named Daphnée n i love her and ive known her my whole life so 

8: Sexual orientation: homosexuale

9: My best first date: :))))))) as if

10: How tall am I: sigh. I’m 5″4

11: What do I miss: sometimes i miss the feeling loved ig

12: What time were I born: 12:19

13: Favourite color: pink!

14: Do I have a crush

15: Favourite quote: My senior quote!! “if what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, I’m telling you I’m immortal”

16: Favourite place: well? my room ig? I like my yard too

17: Favourite food: ugh ramen,,,korean dishes are TASTE as fuck but i also like classic ass spaghetti so like lol

18: Do I use sarcasm: does it look like i dont

19: What am I listening to right now: dr.phil LMFAO

20: First thing I notice in new person: Hair and eyes!! also how they laugh

21: Shoe size: Like. a 7-8 in women’s 6 in men’s 

22: Eye color: Hazel/Golden yes bitch let me be special

23: Hair color: it’s either dark brown or golden brown idk

24: Favourite style of clothing: bruv its either kpoppie fuckboy or uwu skirts pastels

25: Ever done a prank call?: no i have anxiety

26: Meaning behind my URL:

27: Favourite movie: rise of the guardians and HTTYD

28: Favourite song: Comeback Home (BTS cover)

29: Favourite band: looks in the camera i dont know nan molla huh

30: How I feel right now: I’m fine im hungry

31: Someone I love: shoutout to my babeys in my server ily

32: My current relationship status: Single(tm)

33: My relationship with my parents: theyre fine ig just a bit tired

34: Favourite holiday:

35: Tattoos and piercing I have: Ear piercings? that’s it

36: Tattoos and piercings I want:

37: The reason I joined Tumblr:

38: Do I and my last ex hate each other? I sure hope not?

39: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? A bit ig?

40: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? Literally no

41: When did I last hold hands? Like last Friday

42: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 20 minutes

43: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? no i havent shaved in like months

44: Where am I right now? in my room, in quebec, canada

45: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? bitch i sure hope my friends would

46: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? fuck my ears 

47: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? yeah

48: Am I excited for anything? yeah? yeah

49: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? ig? always

50: How often do I wear a fake smile? just at work tbh

51: When was the last time I hugged someone? not long ago i cant tell but my friends r cuddle monsters so 

52: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? i havent kissed anyone so 

53: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? lemme think uhhh no not rlly im not dumb 

54: What is something I disliked about today? i woke up n i thought i had school lol

55: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? oh john cock i want to be ur best friend

56: What do I think about most? i daydream 24/7

57: What’s my strangest talent? uhhh i can put my thumb behind my hand?

58: Do I have any strange phobias? trypophobia, if thats “weird”

59: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? depends on what the video is, mostly behind

60: What was the last lie I told? idk answering to my deadname

61: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? online

62: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? I slightly believe in ghosts? also aliens GOTTA exist so 

63: Do I believe in magic? i think!

64: Do I believe in luck? yeah

65: What’s the weather like right now? very pretty i filmed a video outside!!

66: What was the last book I’ve read? L’Étranger d’Albert Camus in french class

67: Do I like the smell of gasoline? yes my dad’s a mechanic

68: Do I have any nicknames? a lot a lot

69: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? bitch @ my birth #neverforget 

70: Do I spend money or save it? i have 40$ in my name right now

71: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? no

72: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? yes highlighter

73: Favourite animal? cats or otters

74: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? FBISDFD NO WE DONT TALK ABOUT IT

75: What do I think is Satan’s last name idk he can have any last name he wants!!!

76: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? everytime i start hearing “waiting for you anpanman” or “i just wanna go home” 👀👀

77: How can you win my heart? aaahh. be a twink. b fashionable. b funny. cheesy. pls romance me like a npc in the sims 2

78: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? s(he) died smh

79: What is my favorite word? cunt is SUCH a satisfying word

80: My top 5 blogs on tumblr? oh great uh honestly cant be fucked 

81: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? please have brain. PLEASE

82: Do I have any relatives in jail? i sure hope the fuck not?

83: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? either invisibility or mind reading

84: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? ahaaa “what are your intrusive thoughts”

85: What is my current desktop picture? my lesbian sims getting married LMFAO

86: Had sex? no

87: Bought condoms? no

88: Gotten pregnant? NO

89: Failed a class? i think yeah maths last year

90: Kissed a boy? :(((

91: Kissed a girl? no

92: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? no

93: Had job? I have a job rn so 

94: Left the house without my wallet? yeah when i go to school

95: Bullied someone on the internet? define bullying?

96: Had sex in public? virgin squad

97: Played on a sports team? yeah

98: Smoked weed? no ew

99: Did drugs? no ew

100: Smoked cigarettes? NO EW

101: Drank alcohol? yep 

102: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? no i’d die

103: Been overweight? i’m twig

104: Been underweight? i think i was underweight when i was young? i was very Small

105: Been to a wedding? yes very long boring

106: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? bruh. everyday

107: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? probably?

108: Been outside my home country? ONCE

109: Gotten my heart broken? TWICE !

110: Been to a professional sports game? yesss canadians game!!

111: Broken a bone? no

112: Cut myself? not technically 

113: Been to prom? SOON SOON SOON SOSOSNSBFSHDD

114: Been in airplane? once

115: Fly by helicopter? i am not rich bitch

116: What concerts have I been to? noneeee- WAIT NO MARIE MAI

117: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? not sex but for the purpose of pretending i have a penis yes plenty

118: Learned another language? yeah!! i learned english, i almost learned spanish and i’m trynna learn korean now

119: Wore make up? i try!! but i’m not super good

120: Lost my virginity before I was 18? not 18 yet but it’s goin that way

121: Had oral sex? as if 

122: Dyed my hair? i wishhh

123: Voted in a presidential election? I WISH THE ELECTIONS R ONE MONTH B4 MY BIRTHDAY 

124: Rode in an ambulance? nope

125: Had a surgery? yes at a week old 

126: Met someone famous? i think yes but i was super small

127: Stalked someone on a social network? define stalked?

128: Peed outside? yes

129: Been fishing? YES

130: Helped with charity? i think? we do volunteering so 

131: Been rejected by a crush? not directly

132: Broken a mirror? no 

133: What do I want for birthday? boyf......boy..boyff

134: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? oh man uhh maybe 2-3, i dont know their names yet honestly

135: Was I named after anyone? MY DAD NAMED ME AFTER A FUCKIN CLIENT HE MET. as for my actual name now I named myself after my fav video game character. lit

136: Do I like my handwriting? yeah!!

137: What was my favourite toy as a child? bitch hot wheels

138: Favourite Tv Show? hells kitchen,,,,judge judy,,,anythin like that

139: Where do I want to live when older? honestly i wish i could just live in japan or tokyo, or new york? but i will most likely end up in montreal 

140: Play any musical instrument? i used to play the clarinet last year!!

141: One of my scars, how did I get it? the one on my knee, i scratched my desk with my knee 

142: Favourite pizza toping? my dad makes AMAZING sea food pizzas,,,

143: Am I afraid of the dark? a lot

144: Am I afraid of heights? A LOT

145: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? idk prolly? im a bit of a goody two shoes or however u spell it

146: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end: dont we all

147: What I’m really bad at: organizing my anxiety n shit i get overwhelmed

148: What my greatest achievments are: finishing high school 

149: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: honestly has to be that time someone dug up my vent post about being dysphoric to try to say i hated myself with some dumbass DySphorIa Is SelF HaTRed argument

150: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: pay my parents’ debt off, buy 284223$ of BT21 merch, pay my whole college/uni and transition

151: What do I like about myself: idk i like how i literally do not give a fuck anymore and ive learned to love myself instead of trynna care

152: My closest Tumblr friend: @peptobismol-official​ @ace-landofthesun​ @dorkalisious​ and ana but idk her @ anymore :((( ana pls

153: Something I fantasise about: we dont talk about that

154: Any thoughts on the paranormal?: lit. please stop crawling in my ceiling !

ok now that u know my whole biography. go doxx me ig. bye bye

[inspirelocked]

Im exactly one month and- 3 days on T

I just wanted to share with y'all my experience so far.

This isn't scripted or anything really, i don't have any particular points i want to say that i havent talked about in the past (if you wanna read my previous posts, go through my '#inspire screaming' tag 😘), but i wanted to talk about it and celebrate a bit.

The ULTIMATE First thing i noticed immediately, was my emotions. You'd think that was obvious, considering it's HORMONE THERAPY, but i was not prepared. I should have braced myself for it, instead of careening down into the mud, flailing and crying out AFTER i fell, which made it really hard to get out of. (Also, a word of advice. Its EXHAUSTING. But do NOT just let it happen. It will not just blow over. It will only repeat every week without active efforts to heal and adjust. It's different for everyone but thats what happened for me and i don't want y'all to get hurt. Better safe than sorry, you know?)

This one should be obvious but i see people talk about how they weren't realizing this til later. Changes happen slowly. I promise its a good thing. If things change TOO fast, it could change weird or hurt. For example, if your voice drops too fast, your voice might sound really unstable and high despite being on T for a long time. This is only because you didnt get that extra time to adjust. And the pain is kinda? obvious, growing pains. Just, be grateful for the slow and keep in mind that change will come

Please stay calm, think about the process reasonably, and come up with multiple solutions to things. For instance, i needed more needles, and i was panicking bc HOW THE HECK DO I GET MORE NEEDLES?! walgreens just gives you more so long as you are on file or whatever. Its not as big of a deal as you're probably thinking. Its terrifying. I know. But it's OKAY. think of which days you can go, so if you are too scared one of the days you have other options. Or something simple like that.

Document as much as you can. I recorded a few clips of me singing before starting T, and every day i record a short clip where i just say one word of Allstar by Smashmouth. It'll be cool to listen to my voice change throughout the song when its all put together after like, 400 something days. I've accidentally missed a few days, but i just made up for it the next day by getting creative with how i film the clips. Its fine. Just do your best. Record random things, like pictures of you standing or sitting, or your jawline or whatever else. Just take pictures/videos of what you'll want to remember the differences in because that part of you is never coming back.

Just stay informed on whats coming. Remember your hormone cycle is nothing to be afraid of but be aware that it affects you and make adjustments to your life. Have a support system if you can build one. Please.

Rest is important. Mind and body are 100% different things, but they directly affect each other. Make sure to take care of both, the most important version of care for both together is rest. Be gentle.

OH I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT THIS ONE. BODY/GENDER EUPHORIA IS SO STRANGE. I've had strong dysphoria since long before i even knew what trans was, or that it was a thing. Euphoria changes how you feel and how you view things. They always say it can change your sexuality, and i was like "mmm ok but that definitely wont happen to me. Theres no way i don't know that part of myself just because im like, a little dysphoric." NOPE I WAS WRONG. Apparently i was way more dysphoric than i realized, which is saying something bc sO MUCH was alleviated, but so much remains. And it wasnt til lately that ive started actually considering that maybe im not what I've been thinking i am. I wanna remind you that it's okay. Its 100% as fine to rediscover yourself and switch labels as it was when you first figured out. You're changing. It's okay to let yourself change

Everything is temporary, and that's okay. Change is positive in ways you arent aware of yet, no matter the negative parts of said change. You'll see one day. And thats something I've struggled with.

THIGHS BRUISE. PLEASE WRITE DOWN THE EXACT ORDER AND EXACT DIRECTIONS YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW. ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE DOING SHOTS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. GOD IT HURTS TO INJECT TWICE BECAUSE YOU ACCIDENTALLY LEFT AIR IN THE NEEDLE. JUST GO SLOW BC MY THIGH IS BRUISED. IT. HURTS. GOD

Be safe out there. This is me in these boots i got when i was like, 8 because "I've always wanted to own a pair of boots." And ive worn them twice. Once when i got them, and once for that picture. Which hUrt.

I was cleaning out my old stuff in my closet when i found them. :>

Message me if you have any questions. 💜🏳️‍🌈

Good luck, loves

[queeranarchist]

uhhh every 5th q for the ask meme?

:O

5) What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?

uhhh first time i remember was when I cut my hair off - for an SPN Lucifer cosplay of all things - and was like hell yeah I look like a dude! Radical! and then was like oh that is not a very CisThought™️

10) What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?

you know i bought a pretty expensive packer and it was waaay too large despite being one of the smaller ones of that model - this was apparently a problem a lot of guys had and their were videos on how to cut it to make it fit but it cost a lot and i was too worried about ruining it - anyway i moved house three and a half times in six months and my stuff is currently in between two houses and I have No Idea where it is and in the back of my mind there is the constant fear that someone will find that dick 

15) What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?

i’ve used pretty much every label sexuality wise bc attraction is weird. gender wise i ided as a trans man until last yearish and now im just like im queer in all senses

20) What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

prooobably a lot of gender abolitionist stuff like meets past self and just holds a reading group of Nobody Passes by Matt Sycamore - like i hate the transmed/truscum view point but i see that a lot of it is pushed by 15 year old trans guys and the whole wanting to be cis/as close to cis as possible and you can have pride in being LGB but not in being trans thing is pretty much how i experienced gender until last year where i was like time to make the Conscious effort to rework my thoughts, i didnt end up in the dysphoria discourse largely bc it wasnt a big thing when i first realised i was trans (lmao no trans issues were big things at that point) - in general i’d want to get myself to work on a more intersectional approach in terms of understanding that the gender binary is a western colonialist construct and that capitalism pushes queerphobia by wanting to minamalise community reliance and further their profit by pushing a nuclear child producing way of structuring relationships - basically get little me to turn all that angst and anger @ the system

25) What do you wish cis people understood?

that they arent the end goal, i detest the view they have that trans people should be glad to be told that they look like a “”””real”””” women/man - also that they dont need to understand, i dont give a flying fuck if they dont get how someone can identify differently to their assigned gender/be nonbinary/have a gender that changes, just use the right pronouns and name and be ya’know a decent person - and! that they dont need to know what “makes” someone trans and that that line of thinking veers dangerously towards eugenics

30) Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?

ahhh good question - i realised i was trans in a pre Caitlyn Jenner pre Orange is the New Black era so a lot of it was just me figuring out shit on my own - which gotta say wasnt necessarily a bad thing bc more visibility has also lead to more bulshit

I would probably say Matt Sycamore - the first book i read that was edited by her was Why are Faggots so Afraid of Faggots and like the queer radicalism and like anarchy from that helped me figure out and voice some of my disquiet with queer assimilation stuff and also the big We Won the marriage campaign queer stuff is Done mood that was 2017 after Australia’s same sex marriage plebiscite. her book Nobody Passes which focuses purely on gender stuff also follows a similar vein and its very very good

35) How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?

outside of queer stuff i fit into a pretty privileged life, defs gonna say class played a major noticeable role in being able to get hormones despite having to go through a whole court process (pretty sure the government being the Worst to baby me is what made me an anarchist) and get top surgery pretty quickly once out of high school, my whiteness also provides a certain protection when you see the much higher rates of violence at trans POC, and I'm also able to access queer events and spaces without having to consider accessibility etc

40) How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

mmmm honestly at the time it was the worst and looking back on it i am still very angry and bitter at both my school and, you know, the government in general

i did the whole im trans use the right name and pronouns @ the school people (with my parents there so they couldnt use that as an excuse) about nine months before they started doing so AND this was also after my parents flat out ignoring that I was trans for months before that and i did not uuhhh deal well with any of that mentally At All. my school was pretty much like yll be bullied we cant as if every kid i interacted with didnt already know - and when they eventually did it wasnt a big deal with kids - i only heard second hand about some shit that was said about me which gotta admit was kinda laughable bc i had people i barely knew tell me what people in my grade had said and i was like….dont know who that is but Okay - i was too out of the gossip loop to have anything to be upset about 😂 also i had two (2) teachers in the entire school that used the correct pronouns despite me fully out for near three years by the time i left school tho i didnt actually recognise how bad that was for me until i left high school and was like ???? dont want to die all the time ?? what is this

medically was also bulshit bc the australian system used to have anyone under 18 have to go through court to get HRT, it took me nearly three years and was incredibly fucked and even tho the laws been changed now i am still ready to throw down with whoever implemented it in the first place even tho their probably old and close to death themselves

ANYWAY in terms of providing a better answer than i didnt and was v sad and angry for a v long time - i surrounded myself with queer people, i ventured into the city for some youth queer groups, went to a camp purely for young queer people, read a lot of books about trans people etc 

Ask me questions ~

http://queeranarchist.tumblr.com/post/183686207345/datgenderqueerboi-trans-ask-game-what-has

[thathumanwiththecatears]

its the night after my birthday rn as im starting to type this, and i have no idea if i will actually finish this tonight and post it or not so just for reference to see how long it takes me to talk about this its currently 1:43 am on 2/5/18 and everything id under the cut because its very long.

so, i want to talk about literally everything going on in my head about gender, and im not gonna leave anything out, not even the stuff that i would normally be really afraid to talk about on here cause i just need to put everything down in words. 

I currently identify as a genderfluid person who leans more on the masculine side. and just for clarification i will say i also call myself trans, trans masc, nonbinary, and genderqueer. I discovered that i was genderfluid in 2015 and i have been happy with that label ever since, of course with the normal self questioning every genderfluid person goes through. 

for kind of a while but mostly recently, i have started wondering if i am possibly also intersex. for anyone who doesnt know what that means: its when you are born with ambiguous sex traits, so that can mean a lot of things like different hormones and genitals and stuff. so apparently, most people who are born intersex dont actually know, and neither do their parents, because if there is anything physically “out of the ordinary” you could say, they will just do a surgery to fix it first. 

now one thing that made me think this was the fact that i have a hormone imbalance. and i havent actually looked into anything that much to even know if that is a sign of it, but what i do know is i was told to take birth control to fix it and i can not stand how it makes me feel. It feels wrong, sometimes it almost feels like my body fights with it too and like i have more testosterone because of it trying to counteract it. again none of this is scientific, i literally dont know how this shit works and feel free to tell me i am an idiot. There are also 2 other reasons i think this but im actually rethinking the posting literally everything cause im too uncomfortable posting about those two so im gonna not talk about them, but feel free to make up your own idea if you so choose, you will probably be wrong.

things that i had before starting birth control were: hair on legs and under arms growing really fast, i smelled worse, i will say i had a stronger libido, i had long dark hairs that would grow from under my chin and neck (not extremely noticeable but they were there), some hair on my tummy, and a few hairs occasionally grew in between my tiddies, and i had a VERY messed up menstrual cycle like i very rarely had periods. there are more things but at this time i cant think of anymore. these things have all like not stopped but chilled i guess, and i almost hate it?? which is one of the things that is making me more interested in trying to go on T. 

There are many things i want from T but also so many things i am afraid of. i will mention the stuff im afraid of first cause i honestly feel like that is an easier list for me to talk about. so big big one, is my hair, i am terrified to lose my hair. so much of my self confidence comes from my hair its not even funny. i rely so much on my hair. people always question if im drawing myself when i draw characters because all of them have hair extremely similar to my own, but i just love this hair, i always have, and the fact that i actually get to have this hair on my head makes me incredibly happy. 

another thing im less concerned about but a bit is my voice. i know that that is like one of the main things trans guys usually want to change but i like my voice. i like how it sounds, and i like to sing. im afraid of what my voice will sound like after, im afraid i will hate it, and the thing is, that isnt reversible, if i go on T and my voice changes and i dont like it, i cant just stop T and have it go back. that is a permanent change, same with the hair. the things im most afraid of are the permanent things so im very afraid of it.

face shape changing is one thing im on the fence about, on one hand i think it would be nice, but also, i like my face shape, or at least the face shape i pretend to have in selfies, but I also use makeup to make it more masculine and i love how that looks and wish it could really look like that. Because of the fact that im genderfluid not a trans man makes it so much harder. 

things i think would be fantastic though, a big one for me is getting rid of periods, and i know that can be done by other things but it is deff a huge plus to this too, you see I got really used to not having them like ever, and now i have them every month, and i cant stand it. this is also gonna be really gross but whatever, i dont even like, do anything sometimes. i will just free bleed, if im home, if im wearing one of the pairs of pajama pants that i know always wash out all the blood then i just dont bother with anything, i have a short and not too heavy period so i dont even ever bleed completely through the pants either, so it just kinda works. its just so annoying and i hate that i have to deal with it now. 

another thing is weird to some but body hair growth, some people hate it but i kinda like it sometimes, and if i decide i dont i can just shave it off and everything is great. also beards, i love beards, and judging by my family and the fact that my face tries to grow hairs without T tells me i can deff grow one. and again if i decide i dont want it i can just shave it off. 

body fat migration, to make me have a less feminine body, and muscle growth, are both things that on my fat ass body i dont think would make too much of a difference quite honestly, but would i be pumped to look less feminine and be able to get more muscle if i actually worked out? HELL YEAH. and im just gonna slip this lil thing in here i like the idea of the uh,,, growth, that happens else where but just my body changing like that makes me happy, i know for a fact that i want to get my chest removed because its extremely annoying and gives me dysphoria, and quite honestly my tits are fucking ugly, i dont care how body positive i want to be and how i support any other person with large breasts, mine are so fucking ugly i have hated them since they grew in.

there are a ton of tiny things too that change that i want and like also just the fact of having those hormones in my body would make me feel normal. estrogen doesnt make me feel right. it makes me feel like something is wrong with me, and like i have taken away a part of myself. i dont know how to describe it, but that “hormone imbalance” felt more “right” to me than this. i feel like im messed up now. 

im just conflicted. I want to be happy, I want to feel okay in my body, but right now i dont, and i also dont know if being on T would fix it, or give me irreversible side effects that i can never fix and leave me feeling the same way. I honestly just feel like i would be better with my “imbalance” cause that was the most normal i have felt. but apparently thats not “healthy” 

literally like the main thing here is im not a trans man, and im not a cis woman, and yeah i lean more on masculine, but will i regret doing things to my body that actually make me physically closer to being male. i dont know, and there is no way to find out without really regretting it. but im just not happy how i currently am either, so it just makes it so hard. there is like no way for me to be happy like this, i just dont even want to have a human body, i would rather exist as just a formless entity that has no male or female traits. 

this post didnt even help me figure stuff out. im still just as confused. I just want to be able to live as a man but keep my voice and hair, if i could do that i think i would be 100% ready to go on T. and these are such petty things and i feel so bad about being caught up on them cause trans men talk about how they are afraid to lose their hair but say how its worth it to them. and i feel so bad that i dont know if it is worth it for me. like i dont deserve to transition if i dont think its worth it.

it has been an hour now. and i think im done now. but i might post about this again.