thathumanwiththecatears

[thathumanwiththecatears]

trigger warning

its been a long time since ive posted here, and i don’t really expect any of the people who used to follow me to still be here. but i needed somewhere to vent this because i cant bring myself to message a friend and im too afraid of what would happen if i messaged a help line. Ive been really depressed, been dealing with the loss of essentially my emotional support animal, i have never felt closer to any other living thing in my life than to her. and just the entire shroud of sadness ive been living in. I am also extremely overweight and been consuming a larger amount of sugar than normal and i believe i am now dealing with an untreated diabetes situation. Which has caused me to practically pass out from either high or low blood sugar on a few days. i dont know which it is because it could be from just too much sugar in my blood or the crash that happens after. i dont have any medical equipment to find out. But this has caused an issue with intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideation where i could just kill myself by “accident” by the amount of sugar i eat. and ive been in a pinball of thinking damn i need to get this undercontroll or i could just give up. I cant see a future for myself, im filled with dread at the thought of having to be fully on my own. i dont have a job, i cant imagine managing having a job its unfathomable. i struggle to exist day to day when i have nothing to do how could i manage anything else. ive got so many health issues and no fucking money, i hate the body i am in i hate that i feel unworthy of love because im too far poor cant drive who the fuck would love a burden like me.

i think i should go to a mental hospital, but they have been used as a threat for me my whole life so the amount of fear i have for them is crazy. but also its not like i actually have some real plan to kill myself, i dont think eating a bag of fucking sugar is gonna take me out and i dont plan to try any other way. i cant afford to waste money trying to get help im already in so much fucking debt i will never get out of especially with no way to make money.

what i crave is a sense of support and structure and being forced to do things that are good for me and be forced to eat healthy food, i dont have the strength or ambition to do it for myself, but everyone always says the decision has to be yours or else it wont work, well i can never make myself make that decision over preferring to just let myself fucking rot and die.

[thathumanwiththecatears]

observing popcorn

[thathumanwiththecatears]

[thathumanwiththecatears]

not all have emojis but

[thathumanwiththecatears]

do fish ever get to repent? or are they doomed to swim around forever bearing the sins we have tossed to them to consume over the many years?

[thathumanwiththecatears]

this could be us

[thathumanwiththecatears]

[thathumanwiththecatears]

[thathumanwiththecatears]

[thathumanwiththecatears]

okay. *creams you and whips you until stiff peaks form*

Creams me?

[thathumanwiththecatears]

bad news fellas, just got word from the boss, he says no more kissing each other on the job

[thathumanwiththecatears]

playing spot the newcomer is easy because they’re the mfs who censor everything

[thathumanwiththecatears]

i’m watching an art theft documentary and they’re interviewing this art history professor from new york who was asked to go with the fbi to authenticate a rubens that had been stolen but it was a sting operation so they had to pretend like they weren’t the fbi, that they were some private buyer about to pay $3.5 million for it, and the fbi was like “this is a VERY delicate operation because you never know how they will react to what you have to say so let the agent do all of the talking, don’t say a word to anyone just nod if it’s the rubens, the last operation we did the guy in your position got shot because things went wrong in a second” and then it cuts to the professor’s interview and he says “i wasn’t going to fly down to miami to be a part of an undercover fbi sting operation to handle what could be rubens’s aurora and just NOT say anything. i was gonna have to ad lib a little” and then he tells the interviewer that when he & the fbi agent got to the hotel while he was examining the painting he started lecturing the other people, first on how badly they had wrapped it, and then about like how it had been painted, the history of it, what the subject was and what she was doing, etc etc, and he was like “i hadn’t taught a class on rubens in 15 years, so for me it was like being back in the classroom except my students couldn’t leave” 

[thathumanwiththecatears]

congratulations piracy

[thathumanwiththecatears]

[thathumanwiththecatears]

GOOGLE VELMA. JUST THE WORD VELMA. RIGHT NOW

[thathumanwiththecatears]

MY WRETCHED SUBJECTS… can you please bring me a little bit of sliced fruit. As a snack.