#get u a girl that requires a ton of build up

[gamenu]

Nic is a Demisexual and Demiromantic girl!

[causenessus]

Love Languages. | Bungou Stray Dogs

inc: dazai, chuuya, akutagawa, tecchou, jouno

written in 2nd pov (female reader implied)

song recc: do you love by trish toledo & baby bash

word count: 2324 words

pretty sure everything is written in lowercase except for names if they didn't look ugly capitalized bc aesthetics !!! had tons of fun writing this I apologize, this is barely proofread and for literally every character I got too caught up in specific examples and scenarios and just kept building off of it but I think they're kind of sweet so I hope u enjoy <3

dazai osamu - acts of service

“she peels an orange for us in the morning / she woke me up to give me half” golden girl - frank ocean

he’s terrible at taking care of himself, so someone who takes the time to care for him just makes every wall crumble

he’s probably horrible at remembering to eat as well, so if you make something for him he’ll treasure it forever

bonus points if your job requires you to wake up earlier than him (which isn’t hard, he def comes in a little later than his coworkers) and you leave something for him to eat when he wakes up or to take with him to work (or both <3)

he’ll start to look forward to waking up in the mornings in hope that you’ve made him something

never asks you if you’ll make something in specific or if you’ll even make him something at all. he adores anything you make and doesn’t want to make you feel obliged to do something if you happen to be tired and don’t want to cook tomorrow

voices all his appreciation for you when you both have laid down to go to sleep

“bella, I can’t tell you how much it means to me, all that you do. you really don’t have to make me anything if it’s a hassle in the morning or when you get home. you already work so hard.”

you turned onto your other side to face him, pushing a stray lock of hair behind his ear as you smiled, “I do it because I want to, ‘Samu. and because I love you. if I can’t spend the day with you because we’re both at work, at least I can take care of you.”

his chest buzzed with so much happiness his eyes stung for a moment. he held himself back from saying that he didn’t deserve you. saying something like that wouldn’t solve anything. instead, he’d make himself worthy of you by helping out as well

he probably can’t cook very well but he finds other ways to help, washing the dishes, doing the laundry, getting groceries, and cleaning the place so that there’s less on your plate

ask him to do anything and he’ll get it done for you as soon as possible <3

I think that for him, receiving such sweet love without any words is foreign to him but is just what he needs. he’d rather show how much he loves you than say it (although he loves to tell you it as well). getting out of bed could be so difficult for him some days, yet having a goal for himself has motivated him to become a better person. he wakes up, excited for what you may have made him and ready to do whatever he can for you

nakahara chuuya - gift giving

“they asked, ‘do you love her to death?’ I said, ‘speak of her over my grave and watch how she brings me back to life.’” - mahmoud darwish

it’s easier for him to express how much you mean to him by giving you everything you want and everything he thinks you would like

he still tells you that he loves you every chance he gets, but oftentimes it is accompanied by a gift, no matter how small it may be, from just a single rose to a whole garden

for him, it gives a new purpose in his work; he’s working in order to get you whatever your pretty heart desires

he’s proud to use his hard-earned money to buy you things (rather than spending it all on wine <3 ily chuuya)

the easiest thing he can always get you is a favorite snack or drink and he’s got a whole system for it

he knows every store it’s available at and many of the clerks are familiar with him from the sheer amount of times he’s visited them to buy something for you. it never grows old for him, his favorite thing to do is buy you something on his way home from work or during the day when he’s planning to surprise you with a visit

he keeps a mental list of what your favorite things are. you’ll tell him about something you like without thinking anything of it but he’s already planned out when and how to give the item to you. it’s always on his mind what he’ll buy you each day, and it’s always worth it seeing you enjoy whatever he’s bought you

sometimes it’s as simple as a coffee and he’ll drop by your work to give it to you in person

“hanging in there, Angel? need a little pick-me-up?” he has the biggest smile on his face every time he sees you, and bringing a gift for you with him only adds to his excitement

“you spoil me, Chuuya,” you wrap your arms around his neck, leaning further into him as he holds you in his arms.

“what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t?” he responds, rubbing your back as you sigh.

receiving gifts from you is just as sweet. no one has ever given him as many gifts as he’s given others–which is fine with him–it’s not about what he’ll get in return and he knows that not everyone expresses their love the way he does

but he’s touched whenever you get him something. since giving gifts is so meaningful to him, it means even more that someone would go through the trouble to give something back to him

he’ll keep whatever you get him close to him at all times and smile every time he sees it or remembers it

once, you bought him a new chain for his hat and he hasn’t changed it since. it only made the hat more special to him now that it reflects two people that had changed his life

akutagawa ryunosuke - words of affirmation

“my love, you are worth it all.”

we all know how the boy responded to dazai’s praise or even simply just the words “dazai wants to talk to you”

to hear a person who has persisted through his stubborn, aggressive defense say they still love him causes him to start to soften for you

he’s been surrounded by harsh words and people who have exploited him and brushed him to the side whenever he wasn’t needed all his life, so it stirs his heart to hear someone notice things about him and who tells him that they want to stay with him

it’s something reserved for solitary moments just between the two of you for sure, but that makes the time all the more special because he can let down his guard and just be with you

his past has made it hard for him to believe he is worthy of anything other than the murderous skills he’s harnessed in order to get him to where he is in the Mafia, but you’ve shown him that there’s more to him than just how well he can use Rashomon

he never bothers to try and listen to what other people are saying but he always gives his full attention to anything you have to say

he doesn’t even like to hear compliments from anyone else, he doesn’t trust them at all but he trusts and believes anything you tell him, knowing you have the purest intentions of loving and supporting him

after a job, all he wants to do is go home. by the end of the day, he’s sick of everyone around him so on the rare occasion that you decide to visit him, he won’t even notice until you call out to him

he had just finished a job, it was successful, but it had gotten messy. Mori had already told him off and he didn’t want to hear anything from anyone else. he stormed past every piece of vermin that had decided to get in his way, their whispers just barely reaching his ears

“Ryu!” you called out from amongst them, waiting by a door.

“What?” he hadn’t meant to snap, especially when he realized it was you talking to him and his face immediately relaxed when he saw you.

“oh, [y/n].” he immediately started to make his way towards you, the pounding in his head slowly starting to disappear the closer

“I came to pick you up, I’m glad I had good timing,” you smiled, offering your hand.

he took it gently, giving it a soft squeeze, “I’m sorry I responded so rudely, I didn’t–”

“you’re okay, Ryu,” you placed your other hand on top of it, looking him straight in the eyes, keeping a loving smile on your face, “you don’t ever have to be sorry. you’re doing just fine. even better, actually. I’m so proud of all your work and I’m sure you’re tired after everything today. it looked busy.”

the words erased every memory of Mori’s scolding that his head had latched on to in order to beat himself down later on. he felt his cheeks warm a little as he looked away, “you’re too kind to me, [y/n].”

tries his best to also put into words his appreciation but it’s so hard for him to verbally say it; sometimes it comes out wrong

instead, he’s opted for notes most of the time, leaving them on your bedside or in your bag, telling you how thankful he is for you and that he loves you

suehiro tecchou - quality time

“on the train we swapped seats, you wanted the window and I wanted to look at you.” - mahmoud darwish

my boy is always so busy

as soon as he’s off work he just wants to be wherever you’re at

he’d doesn’t mind silence and doesn’t care where he is as long as he’s with you

sometimes gets off work and if you’re not home yet just sneaks into your workplace to be around you

adores following you around and doesn’t always know exactly what you’re doing but he’s just happy to tag along

grocery store dates are some of his favorite moments with you

he loves everything about convenience stores

he loves food and the endless aisles of colorful packages and choices

(it gives him ideas for new food combinations <3)

once bought a himalayan salt shaker simply because

“look [y/n]! they make pink salt :0”

later put said pink salt on top of strawberry ice cream bc they were both pink

he also loves getting to look around the store all the while following you. he admires your organized grocery lists and how you’ve already planned out what you’re going to buy

once you tried to send him out to grab something in an area you’d already passed so that you could continue going down the list

“can you go grab some carrots for me, love? sorry, I forgot to pick them up when we were in the produce section.”

“of course 🙂” his heart is shattering inside of him at the thought of being separated from you.

“do you want to stay with me and we’ll go back later?” you ask, looking up at him with a knowing smile.

“yes pls”

groceries stores are not the only place you guys go tho i promise

if you’re still in school, he’ll accompany you on study dates 

never bothers you under any circumstances and if he is and you tell him he’ll stop right away

he could spend all day looking at your pretty face even if you never once looked at him <3

jouno saigiku - physical touch

“you kiss the back of my legs and I want to cry / the sun has come this close, only the sun” “GPS” - Shauan Barbosa

although he can’t see you, he knows your body by heart <3

he’s spent so much time tracing it over and over with his hands

i think his favorite thing to do, especially after a long day at work is flop onto you and just listen to your heartbeat. probably also intertwines one of his hands with yours, often runs other across your skin

loves when you touch him just as much

if he’s lying on top of you and you decide to run a hand through his hair, all of his problems have just melted away

you both have definitely fallen asleep like that countless times no matter what time of day it is

he’s always finding ways to be in close contact with you, making sure that you’re safe and near him

again, he loves loves loves to hold your hand, he’ll reach for it any chance he gets

will also settle for an arm around your shoulder though as long as you’re close to him

definitely the type to also rest his head on top of yours or on your shoulder every chance he gets

if he needs to fidget he won’t even play with his own fingers he’ll just play with yours

i think that with the loss of one sense, the other senses hold so much meaning for him

it’s easier and more meaningful for him to show his love and how much he trusts you through touch rather than just saying it out loud

comes up from behind you to hug you a lot, especially in the kitchen or when you’ve just come home he’s there immediately, hugging you to recharge

“how was your day, my love?”

you always relax in his arms, turning your head slightly to kiss his face which he’s let rest on your shoulder, “it was missing you.”

he placed a chaste kiss on your lips, “i’ll make it all up to you now, darling.”

there was one time that he let you do his hair

he’s never told you how much he enjoyed it; he didn’t even know what you had done to it, but being near your warmth is all he needs and can ask for <3

[cottage-squ1d]

i miss splatoon 1.

i got to play after the final splatfest so everyone was done with all their massive pure builds n shit but i miss how it was. the first game was the foundation n thus more memorable to me. i miss dj octavio song and the funny burp music that got changed due to callie. i miss the funny lil zapfish pats. i miss playing local with a friend bc your internet sucked or bc ur cousin was over and it wasn’t like you could both bring your wii u over or something. like there was a real multiplayer local mode. it was fun and cute. i miss playing on the unfinished bridge map, the map with a ton of those metal storage box things (i dont remember if it made it to splatoon 2. not the indoor one, the one outside) and i have fond memories of the apartment one. itll always be my favorite. literally the first time i learned to squid party was on that map.

unfortunately the wii u requires VERY strong wifi and my wifi sucks so bad that my room is literally the worst place for wifi (sometimes i have to get off the wifi just to do stuff. the cell service sucks but its better than the wifi) so ill probably never be able to play the first game on turf war again, which is a feat on its on as a lvl 13 player without squid girl dress, but i think about it alot. especially the first time i got to finish story mode n hear calamari inkantation. (i literally start to tear up nowadays at the newer calamari(s))

anyway i just need nintendo to drop the rival hair that rearranged my brain chemicals to like women. thats all. let us play as a rival.

[kcrinas]

hi  sexies  !   i’m  dani  (  she/her  )  ,  21  &  i’m  from  the  gta  aka  ur  messy  canadian  wassup  🤠  thank  u  guys  sm  for  applying  all  ur  muses  are  so  beautiful  &  im  sm  in  love  already  !  i  rly  wanna  plot  w  every  single  one  of  u  so  pls  give  this  a  like  for  permission  for  me  2  come  bug  u  for  plots  !  🖤  karina’s  info  &  wanted  connections  r  under  the  cut  !

karina maji was spotted in the fashion district adorning gucci leather ankle boots , with some airpod pros on . they’re most likely listening to don’t stop by meg thee stallion . you may know them as @karina or as that mishti rahman lookalike . their  twenty - fourth  birthday just passed . while living in tribeca , they’ve gained a bit of a reputation . they’re known to be tenacious but on the other hand quixotic . wonder if they’ll be the next person to hit the headlines .  (   cisfemale / she/her + dani / 21 / she/her  )

             *     𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬  :

full  name  :  karina aarvi maji  .

nicknames  :  kar  ,  rina  ,  maji

age  :  twenty  -  four  .

gender  :  cisfemale  ,  she/her  .

sexual  orientation  :  pansexual  .

hometown  :  chicago , illinois   .

occupation  :  professional  mma  fighter  /  instagram  model  .

zodiac  chart  :   aquarius  sun  ,  gemini  moon  ,  scorpio  rising  .

character  inspo  : alicia mendez (  kingdom )  ,  cristina yang (  grey’s anatomy )  ,  princess jasmine (  aladdin  )  ,  megara (  hercules  )  ,  alyssa  (  the  end  of  the  f*cking  world  )  ,  kat  stratford  (  10  things  i  hate  about  you  )

                  *  𝐛𝐢𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡𝐲  :

                                tw  :   death  ,  accident  ,  drugs  .  

karina’s  life  began  in  chicago  ,  illinois  .  born  where  her  parents  spent  their  life  ,  grew  up  together  &  eventually  ended  up  married  .  it  was  the  perfect  love  story  ,  best  friends  -  then  lovers  -  then  soulmates  .  tied  for  life  ,  married  young  ,  in  their  mid  20′s  .  but the  love  between  the  two  of  them  never  faltering  once  even  after  another  10  years  pass  .  

her  mother  ,  was  a  highly  sought  after  model  .  her  father  ,  one  of  the  most  legendary  ufc  fighters  in  the  league  .  the  maji’s  were  considered  royalty  to  the  tabloids  ,  their  love  story  inspiring  many  .  their  life   was  seemingly  so  perfect  ,  a  dream  to  many  .  &  when  they  found  themselves  blessed  with  a  little  girl  after  five  years  of  marriage  ,  it  just  made  them  an  even  more  “  perfect  ”  family  .

karina  was  treated  like  a  princess  ,  her  parents  adored  the  ground  she  walked  on  &  karina  did  the  same  with  them  .  she  was  well  -  behaved  growing  up  ,  knowing  how  lucky  she  was  to  be  living  so  luxurious  ,  something  her  parents  taught  her  to  appreciate  since  she  was  old  enough  to  understand  .  they  drilled  gratefulness  into  her  head  by  the  age  of  five  .  it  was  a  very  rare  occurrence  where  karina  would  fight  or  disrespect  her  parents  .

they  lived  in  chicago  for  many  years  ,  a  way  for  them  to  keep  their  roots  established  while  raising  karina  .  &  have  more  privacy  than  living  in  their  career  hubs  would  give  them  -  aka  ,  nyc  or  la  .  it  was  much  more  accessible  for  her  father  to  work  out  of  chicago  ,  but  for  her  mother  ,  there  were  many  hours  spent  travelling  between  chicago  &  new  york  .  too  many  .  

(   tw  death  ,  plane  crash  )  it  was  the  mere  age  of  17  ,  when  karina’s  loving  mother  never  returned  home  from  her  trip  to  new  york  .  tragedy  struck  when  her  plane  crashed  due  to  pilot  error  .  the  day  that  changed  not  only  karina’s  life  permanently  ,  but  her  father  too  .  both  their  hearts  broke  into  two  that  day  .

she  wondered  for  months  how  she  could  possibly  continue  life  &  living  without  her  mom  in  it  .  &  the  older  she  got  ,  the  more  &  more  the  feeling  invaded  her  .  through  every  life  experience  she  had  afterwards  she  wished  with  everything  in  her  that  her  mom  was  there  next  to  her  .  

karina  went  from  a  happy  ,  extroverted  &  polite  girl  to  a  closed  off  ,   sardonic  &  enigmatic  woman  .  it  was  as  if  the  light  was  taken  out  of  her  body  &  she  turned  into  someone  unrecognizable  . 

(  tw  drugs  )  it  tore  her  dad  apart  ,  after  taking  a  year  off  to  mend  ,  he  fell  into  a  spiral  of  alcohol  &  drugs  ,  and  he  never  went  back  .  his  career  completely  ended  .   to  this  day  ,  her  dad  hasn’t  stepped  foot  in  the  ring  since  her  mother’s  death  .

her  senior  year  of  high  school  -  karina  fell  into  that  same  spiral  .  using  cocaine  ,  xanax  ,  weed  &  booze  to  cure  her  broken  heart  .  &  she  felt  like  it  did  ,  for  a  little  while  anyway  .  by  some  miracle  ,  she  graduated  with  her  diploma  .  but  that  didn’t  mean  much  anyway  ,  karina  wasn’t  going  to  college   ,  she  knew  exactly  what  she  wanted  to  do  with  the  rest  of  her  life  .

karina  grew  up  religiously  watching  her  dad  fight  ,  she’d  seen  tapes  of  every  single  one  of  his  fights  before  she  was  old  enough  to  watch  them  &  from  before  she  was  born   .  religiously  trained  &  boxed  with  her  father  every  sunday  since  she  was  eleven  .  she  learned  the  ins  &  out  at  a  young  age  ,  &  fell  in  love  with  the  sport  the  second  she  took  her  first  swing  .  

she  fell  even  more  heavily  into  training  after  her  mom  passed  ,  spending  practically  every  single  day  honing  her  skills  &  building  herself  to  follow  in  her  dad’s  footsteps  &  become  one  of  the  best  fighters  the  ufc  has  ever  seen  .

began  building  her  career  at  eighteen  by  moving  to  new  york  city ,  she  was  signed  by  the  age  of  20  .  suddenly  appearing  in  the  tabloids  ,  there  was  something  about  her  that  seemed  to  bring  in  people’s  attention  .  mma  fans  or  not  ,   she  gained  a  large  following  on  social  media  .  

suddenly  ,  she  was  getting  sponsorship  offers  left  &  right  .  whether  it  was  mma  related  or  sugarbear  hair  ,  she  was  getting  them  .  karina  took  the  ones  that  paid  her  well  ,  &  her  following  just  seemed  to  keep  rising  every  day  after  that  ,  basically  became  considered  an  “ influencer ”  along  with  her  other  title  .  

at  the  age  of  21  ,  karina  became  one  of  the  youngest  female  ever  to  be  signed  by  the  UFC  .  this  was  a  big  deal  to  her  ,  as  it’s  a  dream  so  many  fighters  wish  for  .  something  it  takes  years  of  hard  work  &  dedication  to  accomplish  .  something  she  worked  her  entire  life  for  .

she’s  been  fighting  with  the  ufc  for  the  last  three  years  ,  loving  every  minute  of  it   .  the  intense  training  ,  the  fights  ,  the  interviews  ,  it  all  gives  her  a  rush  she  can’t  explain  .  something  drugs  couldn’t  give  her  ,  which  she’s  required  to  get  tested  for  every  once  in  a  while  ,  usually  before  a  fight  .  she’s  found  her  ways  around  using  without  it  ruining  her  career  and/or  getting  caught  .  let’s  see  how  long  that  lasts  ..  ; - )  ksjndfsfd

with  all  the  money  that  she’s  reigned  in  the  last  few  years  from  the  ufc  along  with  her  instagram  sponsorships  ,  she’s  sending  a  lot of  it  to  her  father  ,  considering  his  “retirement”  fund  is  basically  non  -  existent  while  he  stays  cooped  up  in  their  chicago  family  home  ,  surrounded  by  memories  of  her  mother .  while  karina  stays  resided  in  her  cozy  tribeca  home  ,  only  steps  away  from  her  training  gym  .

                *  𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲  :

karina  is  a  v  hard  nut  2  crack  .  she’s  closed  off  ,  sardonic  &  doesn’t  really  converse  much  with  strangers  

it’s  basically  been  her  &  her  dad  since  her  mom’s  passing  ,  so  she’s  very  hard  to  get  close  to  .  but  once  u  do  ,  she’ll  never  let  u  go .

she’s  loyal  to  a  fault  ,  because  she’s  always  afraid  of  people  leaving / d*ing  .  

she’s  trying  to  branch  out  &  make  more  friends  since  moving  to  tribeca  ,  but  she  truly  doesn’t  open  up  to  anyone  .   if  she  opens  up  to  you  about  her  life  or  her  past  ,  she  truly  trusts  u  ,  &  that  means  something

she  tends  to  come  off  as  intimidating  or  ..  bitchy  ,  even  when  she  doesn’t  mean  to  .  her  personality  just  tends  to  be  dry  .  she  tends  to  have  dark  humour  ,  so  she  has  to  be  careful  who  she  makes  jokes  around skndfkk 

sometimes  tends  2  stir  up  drama  even  by  accident  .  nskjkf

if  she’s  not  training  for  a  fight  ,  she’ll  be  out  partying  every  night  .  dancing  on  tables  &  probably  getting  herself  kicked  out  of  whatever  bar/club  she  found  herself  in  that  night  .  doing  what  she  can  to  get  drunk  or  feel  any  type  of  high  ,  whether  that  be  drugs  or  waking  up  next  to  a  stranger  .  

she’s  heavily  into  fashion  &  always  posting  cute  outfits  on  instagram  ,  something  that  caused  her  following  to  grow  .

she’s  lowkey  a  hopeless  romantic  ...  seeing  how  her  parents  fell  in  love  ,   but  it  scares  tf  out  of  her  because  of  their  ending  .  &  she’d  literally  never  admit  this  to  anyone  ever  .

she’s  a  new  muse  &  i’m  still  developing  her  but  i  have  sm  muse  so  i’m  very  excited  &  i  rly  hope  you  guys  like  her  !

             *  𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝  𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬  :

ok  hello  if  u  read  that  long  ass  messy  shit  ur  a  baddie  🖤  anyway  ,  for  wc’s  ,  i  literally  have  so  many  !!  they  are  all  listed  here  @karinawcs​ ,  so  take  a  peek  &  if  you  like  any  of  them  lmk  bc  i  have  tons  of  headcannons / ideas  for  all  those  !  hehe  ily  let’s  plot  

[purplesurveys]

1062

survey by chrissylee22dc

A

Achievements: I guess I’m being asked to list some of mine...some of the ones I’m proudest of, at least, are graduating university with honors, landing a job (liking it is a big bonus), and taking up leadership positions.

Age: I am 22, but never felt quite like it.

Are you planning something right now? Kind of. I’m eyeing a long road trip to Tanay with just myself and go to one of their coffee shops, but idk when I’ll be able to do that. My wallet and bank account are still beat from Christmas lol (and until now I’m still buying gifts for friends), so it might have to wait until sometime next month.

Arizona or Alaska: I think Arizona weather is already quite like ours here, so I might enjoy Alaska a bit (if not a lot) more. There’s generally a lot more factors I find interesting with Alaska, like their food.

B

Birthdate: April 21st.

Build: I’m quite thin and underweight, but I actually recently made plans to start working out - both to make an effort to be healthy with myself, and also to feel good post-breakup. I’m hoping to see some changes in my body and build in the coming months.

Babies, do you have any? None of those, not sure if that’s still the plan for me.

Blonde or Brunette: Brunette.

C

Childhood sweetheart: Erm, does Gab count? We technically weren’t kids anymore when we first got together. I wasn’t attracted to anyone as a kid and was more concerned with growing my Pokemon pogs collection.

Current mood: I’m hungry and can go for savory breakfast foods right now, like shakshuka or huevos rancheros. Also a little anxious because I really don’t want to think about work, but tasks continue to pile up for a certain client.

Children, are there more in your future? There aren’t even any to begin with.

Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi just because it reminds me of Punk and my chaotic wrestling fangirl years.

D

Dad's name: Edgardo, but no one calls him by that full name. He has two nicknames; one of which he hates and only family and friends use, and the other is the name he has permanently introduced himself as in his workplace.

Dating anyone: Not anymore.

Do you plan on having lots of money? Don’t most people?

Dogs or cats: Dogs.

E

Elementary School: I’m not sharing that.

Eye color: Dark brown/black.

Ever going to China? Probably not right now considering the present situation. I’d love to go to the rural cities and have a peek into their country life.

Early or Late: EARLY. Lateness is a big pet peeve, unless the excuse is super reasonable like Manila traffic or a car accident.

F

First Crush: The first person I felt remotely attractive to was Andi, from 6th grade. Then she moved to New Zealand and the crush quickly faded out.

Fears: For concrete things, I hate cockroaches and fair rides. For bigger concepts, I fear getting left behind, failing, and not getting approval, and the idea of never being satisfied or happy with who I am, what I’ve done, or where I’ve gone.

Future goals: Have a place of my own, be able to sustain myself, and keep myself alive.

Funny or Serious: I think everyone has to have both sides. I wouldn’t want to hang out long with people who can’t be sat down to just shoot the shit with conversations that go a little deeper. At the same time, I’d be quickly bored with someone who talks about existential or philosophical topics 24/7 and takes everything seriously.

G

Grandparent's names: On my dad’s side, Dolores and Federico; on my mom’s side, Agnes and Jun. My maternal grandpa is the third in multiple generations of Abelardos in the family, but his nickname is simply ‘Jun,’ because Philippines.

GPA: We don’t measure our grades with that, but we do have a GWA; I’m just not sure how that can be converted to GPA. Mine was in the 1.47 range, which was good enough for cum laude honors. I barely missed out on a magna cum laude honor (which required a 1.45 GWA), so that’s something I’ve always been pressed about and I know I could have clinched it if the pandemic didn’t cancel my final semester, which would’ve given me the chance to pull up my grades.

Going anywhere this weekend? I don’t think so. I want to spend the remaining 5 days of my break completely unproductively.

Giver or Taker: Giver. I like pleasing people.

H

High School: I attended one school from kindergarten to high school.

Hair color: Black.

Hate anyone for life? I don’t think so. I dislike some people, but I can’t tell if I’ll feel that way for the rest of my life.

Hairspray or Gel: When I’m going somewhere or attending something fancy, I use hair gel to hold my hair down.

I

In 8th grade, who was your best friend? Eighth grade is freshman year of high school, right? In that case, my best friend was Gabie.

Is ignorance bliss? Sometimes it is. I like no longer being updated about Gabie’s life. Back when I still tried to push my way in, I was miserable. I stopped doing so over the holidays and I just stopped reaching out, stopped trying to communicate, everything. I’ve been a lot happier that way.

Is there anything you wanna share? That’s kinda the goal with every survey I take.

Ice Cream or Cake: Right now, maybe ice cream. I’m very picky about cake, and I don’t like the spongy ones aka most cakes I know.

J

Jumped rope for fun: That’s exactly what I use jump ropes for. I don’t think I ever used it for fitness or working out except for maybe PE.

Junk around you right now? I mean, not really. I have my embroidery stuff in a pile beside me, but I don’t consider them junk.

Joining anything anytime soon? Not planning on it. I briefly considered joining a gym as a new thing to do for 2021, but in the end I figured working out at home would be enough. Angela recommended the latter as well, so that’s how I abandoned my gym plans quickly haha.

January or July: I guess July? January always feels just a teeny bit stranger than other months, considering it’s the beginning of a new year.

K

Killed anyone: ...This serious?

Keeping a secret? I keep different secrets from different people.

Kicking someone off your top friends today? I don’t think that’s a thing anymore. Hasn’t been for a while.

Kiwi or Apple: Apple, just because I’ve never had the chance to taste kiwi.

L

Lost anyone close to you: I’ve lived 22 years, of course I have. I’d be very surprised if someone has lived that long but has never experienced losing people, whether from a fallout, from death, etc. Just this year alone I lost a great-aunt on my maternal grandpa’s side, and a ton of relatives from my maternal grandma’s side.

Last kiss, when and who: Gabie, three months ago.

List 3 people that you'll love forever: I can only think of Angela. And of course, Gab.

Lover or Fighter: Fighter, I suppose. I can be relentless. Right now with my breakup has been the only time I allowed myself to take a step back and not forcibly take things under my control for once.

M

Middle School: We don’t follow the concept of middle school here. The levels in middle school fall under elementary school as well.

Marital Status: Single.

Mom's name: Abigail.

Music or TV: TV.

N

Northernmost state you've been to: Batanes, which is as northernmost as northernmost gets in the Philippines.

Nickname: A lot of family members call me Byn, but for the most part Robyn has always been my main nickname.

Name your future boy and girl: I have yet to make up my mind about this.

Naughty or Nice: Nice. I never particularly feel ~naughty, and since the breakup I especially haven’t felt the need to be sexual.

O

Opened a piece of mail that wasn't yours? Sometimes I’ll open the electricity or water bill addressed to my parents out of curiosity just to find out how much we consumed in the last month. But nothing more than that.

Occupation: I’m an associate at a PR agency.

Owe anyone money: Nope.

Outgoing or Shy: Shy at first but I can get outgoing once I’ve warmed up to a person/situation.

P

Place you most want to be? Right now? I’d love to be at a coffee shop or bar at a higher altitude, with a view of the city. I used to go to a lot of these before the pandemic hit, but now I’m thinking of doing it again.

Purposely destroyed someone’s life? No.

Planning a major trip? Not really. Most tourist spots require swab tests and I am not having anything go up my nose.

Pink or Black? Love both, but I like pink ever so slightly more.

Q

Quit a class: I’ve never dropped a class. I’ve wanted to, but there was so much paperwork to fill out to do so and I also didn’t want to be behind on my overall schedule.

Quickly...the first word to come to mind: Whistle, because the pink/black question reminded me of Blackpink.

Quitting your job soon? No lol I’m barely two months in.

Quiet or Loud: I can be both, but these days I’ve been quieter.

R

Riding in an airplane: I have no idea what this is asking.

Ride, tell me about yours: ^ Same.

Running for any political office in the future? No plans to.

Rain or Snow: I guess rain, since it’s the only one I’ve experienced.

S

Siblings names and ages: Nina is 20, my brother is 17.

Shoe size: I fit anywhere between a size 6 to 7.

Shave daily? It used to be daily, but I haven’t had the need to since the quarantine began.

Shower or Bath: Shower.

T

Turning 21 was (will be): It’s been a year since then.

Texas, ever been? No but I have relatives who live there, so it’s one of my choice states to visit and stay at if I ever plan to go to the US.

Think you'll live to be 100? I doubt it. I don’t have any relatives who lived until that age.

Tame or Wild: Idk, tame I guess?? I don’t know what this is asking.

U

Unique quality about you: I feel like this is a question best answered by other people who see and interact with me more than I do myself.

Underwear on? Yeah.

Under your bed lies: Large containers with all the magazines I collected from childhood that I can’t bring myself to throw out.

Under or Over: Idk, you have to be more specific.

V

Virgin? No.

Vacation time left? I have five days left, including today :( I plan to be the most unproductive or bum-y I’ve ever been, because I have no clue when I’ll have a break this long again.

Voting in the next Presidential election? Of course.

Volleyball or Swimming: I like swimming more, but I like watching volleyball.

W

Went white water rafting? I don’t think so, but I would give it a shot.

Wearing right now: A hoodie that’s around two sizes bigger for me.

Write a sentence about you: About anything? I’m a little upset with myself for having been a bit lousy with survey-taking during the holiday break. I planned on taking a lot to catch up on the ones I’ve missed out on, but so far I mostly take just one a day lol.

West Coast or East Coast: East.

X

X-Rays in the past month: 0.

X-Mas plans: Had a get-together with my mom’s side of the family on the 24th; we hosted our own Christmas party on the 25th; and we visited my dad’s side of the family on the 26th.

X, does it mark the spot? Idk.

X-Tina or Britney? Britney.

Y

You lost "it" when? I mean, I’ve had more than one moment where I freaked out...

Your favorite song:  I’m really in love with Saw You In A Dream by The Japanese House. My favorite songs come and go, but this one has been a constant.

Your favorite place on Earth: Sagada.

Yes or No: Idk. I’m not enjoying these vague ass questions.

Z

Zodiac Sign: Taurus.

Zodiac Sign: Idk, I’m still a Taurus.

Zippos are neat, agree? I don’t have an opinion.

Zoo or Circus: Neither.

[macattackp]

Lies Chronically Ill/Injured People Tell Themselves:

1. I Am a Burden Who Only Takes From Others and Can Never Give Back

We all have things that we feel we SHOULD be able to provide. As a guy, it KILLS me that I can’t do things like shovel the driveway, help carry heavy items, or have a job that could make me a breadwinner for someone.

Don’t undersell what you do bring though! For one thing, chronically ill/injured people tend to be masters of empathy, not to mention we get pretty knowledgeable on the medical system. If you aren’t... don’t fret over it! If you can’t do something, then don’t! Focus on what you CAN do instead!

2. I Am Undeserving of Love Because Who Would Take on a Burden Like Me?

This one is another huge struggle for a lot of people. I know as a guy, I feel the added pressure of being worthless if I can’t provide financially for a girl. (No matter how progressive people may be, this progressiveness tends to vanish when their daughters’ well being are concerned), but I know just as many girls who say the same things.

“How can someone love me when I just am stuck in bed all day?” “Why would someone choose me if I could never have kids?” “Who would choose a spouse who may not be able to have sex?”

Look. I’ll be honest, I have no wise advice on this one as to find someone who is willing to support you on your struggles. Nor can I be dense and say “You’re just misreading people!” because let’s admit it... our lives are tough and there are many who would choose not to join us.... what I can say though... is I have had friends who had chronic illnesses. Some could never have sex. Some would require tons of medical expenses. Some were missing limbs or body parts. One was even pretty much guaranteed to die before she turned 30.... And they ended up getting married, and loved, and supported. I don’t know what the future holds for you, but I do know it IS possible! So don’t put yourself down or give up hope!

3. I Have to Work Harder to Keep Up With Everyone or Else I Will be a Failure!

This world has a main road, but that main road has a lot of cracks... and there are probably more people in this world who have fallen through the cracks, than walk on the main road. But we feel like everyone in this world is on the main road because once people fall through the cracks they tend to be overlooked even though there are so many of them.

It is not fair, nor is it doable to be expected to keep up with others when you are carrying a different burden. We have the Paralympics for a reason. Would you ask a man with one leg to race against the Olympic sprinters? Would you ask someone carrying a massive boulder to outrun someone without one?

And in all honesty, it is not always as cut and dry as “Accept you’ll get 4th or 5th place.” Our world tends to try to put us on rails. We make everything systematic and anything that doesn’t fit within our metrics is considered broken. We often judge people more by their process than their results! But the way laid out by others as the “Right way” isn’t always the only or even the best way! 

Learn how YOUR body works! I was a horrible student in school until I finally gave up relying on teachers and just studied the way I enjoyed it. I figured at that point “As long as I pass, what else matters.” but had the added surprise when I jumped from a 60′s-70′s student at best to my lowest grade being a 94! It doesn’t always work out this well, but your body is yours. No one else can tell you how it works. Learn from what people have done in the past but look for the way YOU work best! When you look back you realize, none of the biggest world changers really ever lived their lives by the book anyways!

4. I Have To Get Better So I Can Have a Life!

To an extent, this makes sense. Without energy, or finances, and with a schedule stuffed to the gills with doctors appointments meaning you can never go far from home... it is hard to feel like there is really much you can do... but... at the same time....

YOU ARE ALIVE NOW!

You may not have the finances to do what you want. You may not have the social life that you enjoy. You may not have an overabundance of time or energy... But you are alive RIGHT now! You are allowed to live!

Write that book you always wanted! Learn a new language! Cook yourself a big meal! You may tell yourself “BUT I HAVE SO MUCH OTHER STUFF I SHOULD BE FOCUSING ON INSTEAD!” 

Look! That stuff will be there whether you focus on it 24/7 or 12/5! Don’t let it get out of hand, but if you aren’t going to be able to solve it by worrying about it more then don’t! Spend your time doing things that will revitalize you, help you grow, and give you some interesting stories to tell once this is all over!

5. I Am Not Allowed to Be Happy or Have Fun Until I Am Better!

This one is a tough one as it ties into our impostor syndrome. That horrible feeling that we get every time we start to enjoy ourselves or smile in public of “Oh no! What if people assume I’ve been faking this whole time?!?!?!”

You are allowed to laugh. You are allowed to smile. You are allowed to have good things happen to you. Yeesh, there is no time in life that it is more important to have happy moments than through hardships!

Being happy or enjoying yourself from time to time through hardships isn’t a sign that your hardships were never that hard. It is a sign that you are fighting forward. That you aren’t letting this take over your life. And plus, as human beings we NEED hope and happiness... we die both mentally and physically without it

6. There is No Future After This

This is one that I personally struggle with... if we count the 6 years of trauma as a kid that originally gave me PTSD, and these last 7+ years of pushing as hard as I can only to fail harder and harder (including these last 2.5 years that have been giving me a whole new layer of trauma on top of my previous trauma) I’m reaching the point where more than half my life has been going through miserable, destructive times where I lose most things that matter to me and find myself alone at the start again in a dark place. It is hard... honestly... Anyone who follows my account and sees my tagless venting posts know that there are more than enough times I question why I even try anymore when I don’t even know what’s left of me...

But there was a movie I watched a while ago... another cheesy hallmark movie, but it was a good one as far as hallmark movies go. I remember they had this one line in it that really stuck with me.

“I’ve lost everything 3-4 times now! It’s the perfect place to start!”

Now I’m not as optimistic as that ambitious old man from the movie was... but I do know this.... You never know what life can hold. The same way you can lose everything that matters to you in a year, I’ve seen people gain more than they ever thought possible in a week. Not to say we are all about to win the lottery or by some miracle wake up completely healed of all afflictions... but I do believe that if it was possible to have things go this bad, it is also possible for things to go much better.

And let’s admit it. You might be thinking “Oh! But I’m not strong enough to make it happen!” and you’d be right... you aren’t. But honestly who is? We live in a world where tons of people succeed or fail... and very few I can say “earned it.”

Life IS unfair, but if it wasn’t, we’d all be dead! What we really get upset about is that it seems to be more unfair in some peoples’ favour than our own. But life is tough. The fact that any of us live is a miracle in itself. Don’t limit what the future holds for you based on what you feel you’re able to do. You aren’t a static person, and this world doesn’t rise or fall on your shoulders either! (even though it feels like that most mornings). Give it your best with what you’ve got every day, and realize even if each day feels like a year, this is still only a season of life. Personally I want to fight and survive long enough to see a day where this all seems like it was worth it!

7. I Will Never Be Self Sufficient!

The lie in this one isn’t that you will be self sufficient! The lie is that people assume ANYONE is self sufficient!

Look. Do you see people growing their own food? Even if they do, do they grow their own fertilizer? Even if they do, did they build their house from scratch, their car, their fridge, do all their electrical work, never once look up anything on the internet?!?!?! No!

We are NOT a self sufficient species. From the minute we are born we NEED people just to stay alive let alone to succeed! So you have to rely on people in a way you don’t see others needing to rely on people! Does an electrician complain that he needs to call someone to fix the backed up pipes when the plumber doesn’t??? No! That would be stupid! And to try and fix it on his own would be stupider! 

You are ALLOWED to rely on others. You are ALLOWED to ask for help. This doesn’t make you any less of a person! This makes you human!

8. I’m Not Worth It . . .

This is something I struggled with even before I realized just how much was stacked against me from the start... I remember one time, someone very precious to me sat down in front of me and for 15 minutes she said nothing else but “YOU ARE WORTHY!” She repeated it over and over again in different ways, not letting me talk and refusing to say anything else until I finally just accepted that I maybe was. Times change, and she may not be around to say that anymore, but those words still stick with me, and that moment still pops in my head every time I am feeling really down on myself like a planted warrior to fight against my internal self doubt...

There are many things in our lives that make us feel worthless.... “I messed up and hurt them.” “I have a lot of health concerns.” “I am not attractive.” “I have a perverted mind.” “I don’t fit with what society says I should be.” “My parents/people who I care about said I wasn’t good enough.” The list goes on... but YOU ARE WORTHY!

“But I don’t deserve to be happy!” YOU DO!

“But I don’t deserve anyone to put up with me.” YOU DO!

“But I don’t deserve a happy life” YOU DO!

“But I don’t deserve a second chance.” YOU DO!

Whatever you’re worried about

Whatever is bugging you

Whatever lies are bouncing around in your head right now saying you should just disappear and stop being a bother to others

YOU

ARE

WORTHY!

Don’t let anyone or anything tell you otherwise, LEAST of all yourself!

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you’re going through. I don’t know what you’ve done or haven’t done.... but I can tell you this right now. You are a one of a kind beautiful life. You are allowed to exist in this world, you are allowed to flourish, you are allowed to enjoy your time with it and interact with others. What’s more, you aren’t just put up with, you are NEEDED! Because there is only one of you out there, and this world needs you. Treat yourself well, and let yourself know just how valuable you are. You are you, and that is beautiful!

[hwanuels]

n.jm: where were you?

summary: y/n does not know what the fuck is going on half of the time. 

pairing: highschool!fboi!jaemin x fem!reader

warning: a lot of cursing, drug usage reference, crackheadness, maybe a lot of grammer error. this is my first bullet-scenario au so yeah. also! this a collab with the lovely @huangsren in out nct dreamies alternate universe teehee. she has a lovely, fluffy renjun one up so go read it!

part two!

you okay let’s get this collab with @huangsren 

so at NCT High if you don't know Na Jaemin who the hell are you? like everyone knows this kid from lunch ladies to the freaking janitors 

its not a surprise since the dude is literally dead drop gorgeous and has a shit ton of social skills. like the boy deadass can swindle his way out of detention (which he did) with just a wink 

typical fboi but instead of it being a huge turn-off, girls still throw themselves on him even when he WARNS them beforehand that he isn't looking for a serious thing

still, they get attached and heartbroken when he tells them “this isn’t working out” 

his friends (aka art-hoe!renjun and student-athlete!jeno) always rolls their eyes when jaemin rolls up into the lunchroom with his arms wrapped around a new girl’s shoulder

“bet she’s not going to last two weeks”- renjun slapping down a 10$ 

“knowing him, this isn’t going to last more than a week”- jeno said but still sliding over a 10$ bill 

AND SUPRISE it doesn’t 

both renjun and jeno don’t approve of his philandering, but they stick w jaemin cause he’s still their best bud cause bros before hoes ya know what i mean?

this is especially true with jeno cause they’ve been bffl since they were like five but that doesn’t mean that jaemin is anything like jeno. 

nah man they both are the complete opposite of each other

like jeno is a quiet reserved student-athlete boi but jaemin out here acting like a little thotty 

nomin is like a package deal, no one can separate them

here where out little y/n comes in

surprisingly you’re childhood friends w nomin 

both u and jeno are neighbors and your families have been friends since before you were even conceived 

your moms’ have weekly tea times where they’d gossip about everything and anything while your dads would be watching the weekly soccer/football games drinking a cold one 

you and jeno would be playing with some legos or barbies 

jeno had a minor (major) barbie obsession which was probably induced by you

don’t tell anyone but jeno still binge-watches barbie movies;;;his favorite really be the princess charm school one 

like i said nomin is a package deal so expect jaemin to be taging along to yours and jeno’s weekly playdate

imagine you being the princess while jaemin pretended to be the prince and jeno was the dragon,,,yeah man it was so lit 

this isn’t a jeno fic btw keep in mind its still jaemin 

all of that stuff before was when the three of you were like kids

once highschool came around all three of you found ur niches: jeno was the student-athlete, jaemin was well that guy that was wanted by all the girls

and you were just a regular mundane student ya know,,,you weren’t extremely talented nor smart you just floated around 

u still hung around jeno tho but your friendship was really lowkey 

like both of y'all would wait until the other one was completely alone or do some ridiculous actions to deliver the simplest messages 

jeno would look both ways before slipping you a note in class that said “can your mom drive me home today?” and you would make sure no one was looking before nodding secretly 

or the two of you would hide behind bushes to say that y'all parents wanted to have dinner together tonight 

tbh yall could just text each other but where’s the fUN in that? 

jaemin, on the other hand, was someone you haven’t a solid conversation with since sophomore year bc of an incident 

basically, you had helped one of your friends into a relationship with jaemin that lasted for about two months,,, which was considerably a long time considering that it was jaemin.the two of them were a fat power couple 

ur friend, let’s call her ella, was probably one of the more popular girls at school. she was well-known for being the prettiest, kindest girl that everyone LOVES

anyways, things didn’t end so well bc he stood her up at hoco even though he was gonna be crowned homecoming king and her queen. 

no one knows why jaemin just ditched but he did. 

didn’t stick well with your friend tho cause she stopped talking to you as well not really giving you an explanation

and this led to everyone in your friend group to kinda put all the blame onto you 

this is also when jaemin picked up his heartbreaker reputation and began living up to that title

at first ur were hella mad and sad, but you got over it cause being outcasted and kicked out of that friend group led you to befriend the local stoner boi!haechan

honestly, you got over it but after ignoring and avoiding jaemin for a whole year it just stuck. 

yall never talked again 

here comes SENIOR YEARS BITS 

u were so done w school at this point, you had suffered and labored through junior year,,, SAT and ACT were the biggest bitches you ever faced in your lifetime and this is coming from someone who was friends with the resident shithead lee haechan 

so it’s lunchtime and you’re listening to haechan’s wild story about some shenanigan that he and his weed dealer/ older college friend mark had gotten up to the past weekend 

“so like we were just hitting a blunt this weekend in mark’s car and this cop pulls up next to us.mark rolls down the window and all of the smoke just hits the cops in the face” 

“you're a fucking idiot, haechan” 

“listen bitch, i’m not done” 

“so the cop is doing the regular illegal drugs bullshit and asked mark a question. understand at this point that mark is high as fuck so i kid you not the crackhead says quack. nothing else just quack. honestly, i still don’t know how we got out of that but we did and lee haechan is still in school.” 

you want to slap your friend with a big smh at this point 

but it so ridiculous and so haechan that you can’t say anything else 

and you don’t have too! bc someone taps ur shoulder pulling you out of your convo and boom it’s ella 

“hey, y/n” she starts out sweetly and you could feel haechan’s bitch face directed towards the girl, who seemed to just ignore the boy 

“what’s up, ella?” you were hella fucking slightly irritated and highkey suspicious bc like this was the first time that she talked to you in like two years

“this out of the blue, but you know how prom is coming up soon? we need extra hands on the planning community,” ella explained with a bright smile  “we need another person to work on making the centerpieces for each table, but we only have one person on that” 

“okay, so what does this have to do with her?” haechan’s bitchy tone soaked in each word 

ella’s smile faltered slightly at his words, but it was so subtle that only people with keen eyes could notice

“i hope that i’m not imposing anything on to you.” ella trying to reassure  “but Mr. Moon told me that you still need some community service hours for our graduation requirement so I just assumed that this would be a good opportunity for you.” 

oh shit 

you completely forgot about that and you still needed like another 10 hours to complete

“ummmm” 

“i wouldn’t ask you this but my workload is completely swamped” ella added “it would be a big help if you can help. haechan, you can help too!” 

haechan let out a loud gag that seemed to baffle her 

“oh hell no, i already got my community service hours done like freshmen year.” 

you gave haechan the most incredulous face you could make cause like this druggie who gets high every other week and vapes in the bathroom really finished his community service hours before you????how?? 

“don’t look at me like that.” haechan kicked you underneath the table “it was before i learned how to roll a blunt” 

“drugs aren’t good for you, haechan,” ella chided 

haechan made a mocking face,,you know the one he does like that one,,”not all of us can be little miss goodie-two-shoes like you” 

oKAy time to do some damage control before your shithead friend gets himself into more shit 

“i’ll do it. just text me the details.” 

“thank you so much y/n!” ella said before bouncing off 

“i hate her” haechan stated

“you hate everyone” 

CUE aFTerschool when you follow ella’s text to go to the art building where everyone was gathered 

the minute you walked in you realized that you should have just said no and done some other community service activity cause jaemin was present standing in the corner and other people who you once called your close friends that turned out to be fat snakes

now you gotta deal with them again (aww shit here we go again) 

ella is motioning you to come into the classroom which you obliged cause you figured that you possibly could survive w ur rbf on as you made your way to the other unoccupied corner

there was some whispering in the background but you ignored it cUASE like hyuk always says: “you just gotta get high and block out all the haters” 

well, he was right about the second half, not so much the first. 

“alright everyone! thank you so much for volunteering to help set up for our senior prom! we only have about three weeks so we have to get all of the decorations done as soon as possible!” ella said in a chirpy tone

a lot of people looked motived by the girl’s bubby short speech on how everyone needs to put in 100% of their effort. you zoned that out as you caught the sleeping figure at the teacher's desk 

“goddamn you mr.moon forcing me to be here” you grumbled in your head almost missing your assigned duty, 

“y/n!” your head snapped in the direction that your name was called 

you saw ella standing with jaemin and the sirens go off in your head 

FUCK THIS

you let out a loud sigh before trotting over to the two 

ella gave you a piece of paper that had the centerpieces’ picture on them along with a long list of decorations “all you guys have to do is make about 300. all the directions are on the sheet and the supplies are in the other room. it’s really simple, just have it done by next friday.” 

you nearly popped a blood vessel 

300 by next friday? today was wednesday so that meant you only had ten days to finish all 300 of them

so you and jaemin are walking to the classroom next door to get the supplies y’all needed,,, in your head, you were just cursing everything in existence for putting you into this position especially mr. moon 

“so how did she rope you into this?” you heard jaemin say from beside you as you both carried boxes out to the parking lot. 

you two came to the good conclusion to split the load so that he would do half and you would do half 

150 it’s not that bad 

15 a day

hell yeah

it was so strange and foreign talking to him since it’s been about two whole years.  

he had a nice voice tho ngl maybe that’s why he got out of that detention that one time 

“she somehow found out that i still needed to complete my community service hours before graduation” you murmured, praying that haechan remembered you telling him to wait for you after school 

he probably ditched you to get high or hang out with one girl he liked

all jaemin said was “oh” and the rest of the walk to the school’s parking lot was quiet 

the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife and the knife would break

“hey can i ask you a question?” jaemin asked when the two of you were about to go your separate ways 

you could see mark’s old beat-down car meaning that haechan, in fact, did ditch you but had the decency to call up mark to pick you up 

“yeah, go ahead” 

“how come you still talk to jeno, but not me?” 

i shit you not this was the quietest and deepest voice that you ever heard jaemin project 

you didn’t know how to reply so you looked down at the large box in your hand, mumbling some incoherent excuse

“can you repeat that?” 

“ i said, we don’t really have any other reasons to be friend's unlike me and jeno” 

“is that all?” jaemin asked, probably catching onto your bullshit

you were probably delusional but you could’ve sworn you heard some sadness in the tone he used

you nodded quickly trying to get to mark’s car hoping to avoid further conversation 

but boy was jaemin stubborn 

“that wasn’t a good explanation,y/n! ” jaemin called out after you. 

this time he sounded more lighthearted than before

you turn around to face jaemin who had a fatass smile on his face 

damn was he good looking smiling like that 

“give me a better reason tomorrow or else i’m taking you on a date!” his dazzling smile nearly blinding you as he made his way to his own car

inside your head little y/n is going whattheactualfuck? 

“what’s with that shook face?” mark ask as you climbed into the passenger seat 

“what the fuck?” you say 

“huh?”

you look at mark “what the ACTUAL fuck?” 

poor mark is like wtf is wrong with her,,,did haechan get her on some type of crack? 

that night while you were making the little centerpieces you were still going over what jaemin said 

you looked at the last centerpiece you finish making 

was he flirting with me? or was he serious?

he sounded sad when i said that tho? 

at the same, this was jaemin, a boy who is well-known for having flings left and right. 

he’s probably just flirting

until next day! jaemin pops up next to you as while you get your shit from your locker for your first class 

“did you come up with a good explanation yet? 

his sudden appearance startled you causing you to subconsciously let out a yelp 

“cute” he said, and you forced down the blush that was about to show 

“i thought i told you already?” causing jaemin to shake his head like a cute little puppy 

“i don’t accept it.i want a better one,” he said sounding like a spoiled toddler 

you gave him the “wtf do you mean look” and he was about to reply until you saw haechan walking through the school doors with a pair of sunglasses on which can only mean one thing

that little shit head came to school high again

you pushed passed jaemin and stormed towards haechan pulling him to some vacant hallway to lecture him

leaving jaemin standing there staring at your backs as the two of you left 

jaemin’s smile dropping significantly as he nearly glared over at the two of you leaving, specifically at the back of haechan’s head 

“dude, why do you look like you’re going to murder someone?” jeno asked as jaemin sat next to him at their lab station 

you weren’t in this chemistry class but haechan was,,,and it was his naptime

“how is y/n friends with him?” jaemin stared directly at a sleeping haechan 

jeno follows his line of sight, letting out a sigh once he notices it was haehcan

“she never really told me, but i assume it was because she stopped being friends with ella and that group” jeno said honestly. he raised an eyebrow in question at his bffl “why do you need to know” 

jaemin didn’t answer him, continuing to glaring at the sleeping male 

jeno rolled his eyes at his friend's antics 

but in a serious tone, he warns to his friend, “don’t pull your games with y/n.” 

except jaemin’s head wasn’t registering this warning,,he was solely focused on how lee fucking haechan the biggest stoner of NCT High managed to take a girl’s attention from him, na jaemin....it was simply ridiculous 

maybe he really was an attention seeker bc he made a beeline for your table during lunch instead of his regular one once he saw just how loud you were laughing at haechan’s joke 

“what’s so funny?” jaemin asked sliding into the seat next to you 

now both of you and our boy hyuk is like wtf 

immediately you’re on defense, “what are you doing here?” 

“you never gave me a good explanation!” jaemin pouted, giving you fat puppy eyes 

those aLMost worked 

“uhhhhhh” you try to find a good excuse but jaemin quickly cuts you off 

“it’s okay if you don’t have a good explanation,” jaemin reaches over and steals a fry from haechan’s tray eliciting a hissing sound from the boy “you just have to go on a date with me” 

then he winks 

and he's gone

“what in the holy fuck just happened?” 

the amount of time that y/n has said wtf is unbelievable 

haechan’s sunglasses slip down the bridge of nose and you could see his red eyes giving you a look of disappointment, “and you say i have issues” 

“stfu before i slit your throat” 

the rest of the day wasn’t any easier on you tbh. you learned that jaemin was really really stubborn and very very clingy 

the boy deadass scanned the whole hallway to find your face so he could tag along with you to your next class even though you could have sworn that his class was one the other side of the school 

he kept on bombarding you with questions on what you wanted to get after school and if you like roller skating 

by some means, you were able to hide in the library for the rest of the study hall period which meant that you could probably avoid jaemin until school ended 

you spotted a familiar boy huddled in the corner reading a book that made you squint your eyes. 

marching over to jeno, your eyes just say “explain” 

jeno looked at you with like those wide eyes he does when he’s shookth bc the two of you never interacting in school so puBlicly

“what the hell is na jaemin trying to pull?” you whispered-yelled plopping down in the wooden seat next to the athlete 

jeno is all like????wydm 

and you explain your whole situation to him and he just lets out the biggest sigh 

“he doesn’t like being left on read” 

“what do you mean?” 

“i mean, that’s what you basically did to him sophomore year. he was kinda depresso about how you just stopped talking to him out of nowhere. by the way, why did you do that?” 

tbh you really didn’t know at first you were mad at him

was it bc his actions caused all your friends to blame you for his inability to commit to a relationship,,, but it’s been two years since that incident

you got over it, so why were you still avoiding jaemin? 

“i dunno after him and ella broke up, i didn’t have a reason to talk to him.” 

jeno looked at you like “really? is that your answer?” 

“think about that question again because i’m sure that that's, not the whole answer.” 

now you’re more confused but also very mad about how both of them weren’t accepting your reason as valid! 

so as you were furiously making the stupid centerpieces that ella forced you into volunteering to do

angry y/n really got through a solid 50 of them 

you pondered on jeno’s words and you thought back to sophomore year 

you remembered still joking around lightheartedly w jaemin until he started dating ella 

he actually spent a lot of time and effort even ditching jeno sometimes for her which was okay cause jeno would chill w renjun or even you (mostly bc he could watch barbie movies w no shame) 

everything was alright until homecoming came around and jaemin flaked on ella leading them to breakup the next day 

and ella to stop talking to you which made everyone mad you or think that you were the one that caused the breakup 

WHICH YOU DIDN”T 

you were the one that hooked the two of them up too! so it was really unfair! 

it's like 2 am and you don’t know what came over to text jeno but you did 

y/n: why didn’t jaemin go to hoco sophomore year? 

you felt instant regret after sending that text bc like it probably made it seem like you were interested in jaemin,,,, which you were totally not!

seconds later jeno slaps you with the ”ask him yourself”  

fattest facepalm 

so that’s how you spent the entire night finishing all of your centerpieces that you were assigned to make cuz of your frustration

wow we love a productive y/n 

alrighty this is where shit goes down 

now that you were done with all of your centerpieces you took them to the art room the next day before school where ella was there doing her stoof 

she looked up with a giant smile when you came in with a giant box 

“you finished all of it?” 

“nah just 150. jaemins finishing the other half” you set the box down 

“oh okie,” ella nodded returning to whatever she was doing beforehand 

since it was just the two of you in the classroom and you’ve been dying to know the answer since sophomore year 

so fuck it 

“hey ella, can i ask you a question?” 

the said girl looked up with that same friendly smile that she gave everyone “of course!” 

“why didn’t jaemin show up to hoco sophomore year?” you blurted out 

in an instant, ella’s smile dropped and there was a sudden cold look in her eyes 

“you already know the answer to that, y/n, you don’t need me to answer you. now if you excuse me, i have things i have to do” ella said in a very unlike-ella-way 

her answer made you even more confused than ever bc how were you supposed to know the answer to THAT 

confused!y/n is even more confused 

however, all your questions were about to be answered, not really tho 

you’re on your way to the third period with the same burning question in your head: why the hell did jaemin not show up to sophomore year hoco??? someone help?  

tbh you didn’t even notice someone yanking you into the janitor’s closet until you were surrounded in darkness and someone's hands were clasp over your mouth 

“it’s me, jaemin” his soft whisper sent tings down your spine 

he let go of your mouth to switch on the light 

“are you fucking insane?” 

“yes, but it’s only cause i’m madly in love with you” 

you rolled your eyes “cut the bullshit, jaemin, what do you want?” 

“our date. you never gave me a solid explanation, so i want a date” 

you were about to reject him but then an idea formed in your head 

“fine” 

and with that one-word jaemin’s eyes glowed 10x brighter with his smile almost blinding you 

cheesy i know. 

“let’s go now!” 

the boy was really about to skip class just to go on this stupid date w you 

is he that bored? did he really run out of girls to date? 

but then again you really don’t want to go to math bc you’re pretty sure there's a test today that you haven’t studied for yet 

so that’s how you found yourself with jaemin at the local ice cream parlor 

jaemin INSISTED that y'all share a sundae, which he also fought you to pay for 

there a silence that falls upon you for a little bit 

jaemin breaks it though like he breaks heart (okay minnie that’s kinda mean) 

“ella told me that you finished your half of the centerpieces in two days. that’s pretty impressive,” he comments 

you nodded staring at the ice cream drowned in chocolate syrup 

“to be honest, i haven’t gotten much done yet,” he admitted, continuing to ramble on “it’ll get done. i might even pay renjun to do it, but i’m pretty sure he’s too preoccupied with this girl that he’s been pining over for a while” 

“speaking of which, are you seeing anyone right now?” jaemin asks out of nowhere. 

“lol i could be doing other things with my time.” 

jaemin observes your face closely taking in the faint blush on your cheeks from his direct gaze, “so what about that haechan dude?” 

“what about him?” 

“are the two of you a thing?” 

you nearly gagged 

“there no way in hell i’d ever get with haechan. besides, he’s having some of his own girl problems right now. he was being a little bitch about it too” 

“good” jaemin says really contently. 

“why didn’t you go to hoco sophomore year?” you finally asked

taken back slightly, jaemin softly smiles down at the half-eaten sundae

instead of answering you, he asked another question “why did you stop talking to me?” 

you gulp, but eventually, you had to tell him the truth even though it was kinda dumb and immature

“because ella was mad at me after the two of you broke up.” 

he shifted his gaze up to your own eyes 

“do you know why she was mad at you?” 

you shook your head

jaemin smiled again 

this time it kinda looked sad :( 

“because she knew that i was in love with you”  

[avellanas-nutty-empire]

Every day I hate the usa even more than the last

(This is a vent, ignore if u want)

When people were talking about the recent supreme court members death, I thought it would all be fine. I dont know literaly anything about them, and I generally dont understand my own emotions enough to grieve for someone like that.

But I went on instagram

And all the posts made me feel as though I'm being crushed by a mixture of negative emotions I rarely feel like this. Negative emotions so powerful and raw I feel I'm being literally crushed.

I feel as if I'm being literally crushed.

This is especially the worst since I dont understand my own emotions enough to heal from the pain and resolve them and move on from them properly. I'm stuck. These will forever linger, fractions of being healed, ready to crush me another time.

I made a lil angst post thing for Anna of my ABC girls oc's in which she also suffers from the inability to understand her own emotions. But in reality, that's just a fragment reflection of me. Except the details are solidified - a peace of mind I fear I will never have.

Trump is the third president to ever become impeached, and that alone says a fuck ton. He tries to build a wall, that would damage the ecosystem, solve nothing, and waist money. Then he does next to nothing about covid, using China as an escape goat while a ton of other countries handle it all much better than he does. Then the west coast fires get practically ignored. I have a suit case packed just for fucks sake because if theres one thing 2020 taught me, it's that shit can and will get worse REAL fast. I've been living with yellow smokey ash skies for the past few weeks and this morning at 4am, it rained a good rain for the first time long before the fires started. I was excited and happy for it. It even rained recently AGAIN while I was at work. It gave me hope. Hope that has swiftly been crushed.

Even if the fires get solved, the govornment will not. Trump holds his place in office like a tyrant, bragging about fighting for more terms in office than legally possible. Covid is still a thing, no matter how less officials have cranked down on social distancing. Other countries are out there PAYING people to stay inside. But everyone in the states will just complain and shut down that idea because "oh, we dont have the funds for it. The country is in enough debt already" yeah. Why are you building a wall then. Trump has SIGNIFICANTLY raised that debt since he joined office. Why are we letting a man who has his own history or bankruptcy on SEVERAL occasions be president? Our debt should be going down, not up.

The usa likes to preach to high heavens that it's the best country when in fact, its super NOT. And THATS one of the big problems. Much like a racist insisting "I'm not racist, it's just a joke" or something simular, no progress is gonna get made. People just get mad when our poor countries quality gets pointed out and refuse to see the truth. Then they look back over the constitution written over 100 years ago and recite it like the bible for worshiping practice.

We need to rewrite our constitution like MANY other countries have done SEVERAL times, and stop worrying about what a dead person MEANT when PURPOSLY being vague when writing the constitution because it was supposed to be open for change. But nothing about the United states is open for change. This country needs to get off its fucking high horse, and I need to move to canada

Except that's WAY easier said than done. I want to teach high school math, but I'm p sure you need a degree in french to teach ANYWHERE in canada (especially Quebec, but that's on the other side of the country so I think I'm good). I SUCK at learning vocab and had a hard enough time with my 2 years of spanish class. How am I supposed to get a degree in french?

The college I'm attending has study abroad programs I could participate in, and I have considered transferring to a canadian college if mine doesnt become in person soon, but god knows when that's gonna actually become possible again. I want to do in depth research on teaching requirements and scout out schools in canada and talk with my college supervisor and stuff about it all, but theres no point untill covid ends. I would say to just cross that bridge when I come to it, but the land behind me is rapidly disappearing faster than I can aproach the bridge.

Besides, isnt the canadian boarder still closed? What about my job down here? I dont have money to move to canada. And I dont have the confidence to do it because my mom hindered my progress in becoming a fully functioning adult who can leave the house without a backpack full of shit I wont actually need unless I'm roughing it in the wilderness. What college would even accept me and allow me to transfer my current credits anyways?

All I know is the United States of america is a toxic country that is bad for my health, and I am not ok.

[happyhealthycats]

The Alpha Argument

I see it a lot, many times when it comes to adopting cats.

“Well the girl cat is an alpha so I can’t adopt another cat.” 

Or

“My one cat is the alpha so they beat up the other cats.”

And I just wanted to say,

I understand what you mean, but please stop using the term alpha.

That term came from a dated canine training theory, so I’ll link y’all a few articles, since I’m not actually a canine behaviorist. 

https://www.whole-dog-journal.com/behavior/debunking-the-alpha-dog-theory/

http://content.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,2007250,00.html

https://www.animalhealthfoundation.net/blog/2017/10/the-myth-of-the-alpha-dog/

Essentially this theory cropped up as a behavior modification “technique” (heavy use of the quotation marks there), when some wolves were observed in what was assumed to be a pack exhibiting pack behavior. The observation and theory was later debunked in wolves, for several reasons (lack of sample size, relation of wolves to each other), but also the very important addition that dogs are not wolves.

So I’m gonna kinda drop a truth load on y’all.

If dogs are not wolves, cats are definitely not wolves.

I know. It’s shocking. But I’ve checked. Trust me. 

That is to say, felines behaving in an aggressive manner towards other cats is absolutely still -a thing-, but identifying it as “alpha” behavior is 1) incorrect and 2) allowing you to let a behavioral problem slide by simply by dismissing the behavior as something that just exists, when in reality it shouldn’t.

Don’t get me wrong, cats get upset at other cats. Anxiety and tension can get high for various reasons, from fighting over food resources when cats lack options of feeding, to literally “I saw a bird out the window and I can’t get it so now I’m HECKIN’ U P S E T and I WANT TO KILL IT but I CAN’T. So I guess I’ll give the other cat in the house a mean right-hook.”

There are a MILLION and a half reasons for your cats to fight, or not get along, but literally none of them are because your cat is an alpha.

In the “wild” (heavy quotes here considering Felis catus is an invasive species literally almost everywhere), cats do a LOT of stuff together. They will share food, they will communally raise kittens, they will protect what they deem as their territory, but it’s more akin to cats living in a communal building with some shared living space, but with a ton of extra rooms so you and your fellow housemates only HAVE to interact when you WANT to (like communal din-din). You know your roommate likes to read from 12-4 PM, so you stay out of the reading room during that time, because you have like three other rooms to choose from to do the thing you wanted to do. You can go use that room later when your roommate isn’t there.

So yeah, cat “territory” functions more as a time-share instead of like a hard black-and-white concept.

What happens when a new roommate comes into the house, though? Maybe that roommate doesn’t know the 12-4 reading room rule, so they barge in with something that roommate REALLY doesn’t want to deal with.

“What’s up, dude? I was thinking we could listen to some heavy metal! You like Dimmu Borgir?” “Hey, I’m reading right now. It’s my reading time. I always use the room at this time.” “Pfft, that’s boring. I want you to listen to Progenies of the Great Apocalypse. It’s my favorite.”

You can see why Reading Room Cat would be upset, right? Reading Room Cat might decide to lay down the law with a “Hey, you’re new here, you don’t make the rules for the reading room, take your heavy metal into the music room where it belongs”.

And yeah, cats can be pretty compartmental about what they allow in what area. Like play time should not happen near where they go to the bathroom, for instance. That’s weird. Cats don’t like the idea of getting through this level of Angry Birds while relieving themselves. The fact that they don’t like eating where they go is a little more obvious, but even playtime should be separate. 

This is just a single example, though. Like I said, there are MANY reasons why cats may not get along with another cat.

-They may not have the option to avoid the other cat in the house for whatever reason. They don’t have the choice to get up and away from them, they don’t have the choice to hide from them due to lack of ways around a room. Only so much we can do about that aside from knocking holes in the wall, but there is a lot we can do to help. Shelving, hides, tunnels, things like that. -One cat may want to play when the other one REALLY WOULD RATHER NOT, THANKS. -Cats may be fighting for a resource, such as food, water, or a litter box. Not having the option to get to choose where they can pee when all of the litter boxes are being used can definitely cause some inter-cat aggression. -Cats may be introduced too quickly to each other, or may be experiencing just a general issue sharing their space. It’s why I advocate for INCREDIBLY long socialization periods, and even re-introducing cats that have known each other for years should their relationships start to come into question. -One cat may be getting increased anxiety from an external source and may not have the adequate blow-off tool required. This is when increased play, puzzle feeders, and monitoring window-watching is important.

Those are only a few things, though. Things like illness, injury, sudden changes, a specific occurrence, and more can change how a cat interacts with another cat.

And yes, there are aggressive cats. There are cats that become aggressive more easily than others, and yes, those cats may live a happier and more fulfilling life without other cats in the home, or with limited interaction with other cats. They may need medication to help you figure out the best way to get them to live their best lives. There are definitely things you need to consider with cats, and some cats may just be more aggressive by nature, or by upbringing.

But it’s not because they’re an alpha.

So chose your words wisely! Try not to perpetuate a debunked theory for a different species by also tacking it onto feline-kind.

Unless you’re writing some fanfiction, maybe keep the alpha talk to discussing some Greek letters.

[szopenhauer]

What was your last dream about? pamiętam tylko tyle, że M. powinna uważać na jej byłego

Would you like to build/design your own house? yes

Do you have a cherished childhood teddy bear? it’s not really a teddy but yeah

Are you psychic in any way? it seems

Are you a good dancer? meh

Are you a good singer? nooo

Are you a good cook? not the worst

Are you a good artist? maybe

Are you a good listener? try to be 

Are you a good public speaker? but don’t like to 

Are you a good babysitter? might be but hate that

Are you a good dresser? have my own style

Are you a good comedian? I’m funny :P

Are you a good cleaner? not good enough

Are you a good actor? I am

Are you a good writer? just like to write

Do you ever get chills & goosebumps when you listen to music? tell me about it...

What was the last song that had that effect on you? not sure which was last

Do you know what any of your siblings did over the weekend? I don’t care

Was the last book you read a hardback or paperback? paperback

What was the last thing you required the use of a spoon for? I was eating breakfast

The last time you ate something, was it in a bowl or on a plate? neither XD

Can you recall the last time you held hands with someone? I can

What was the last thing that made your heart melt? hmm...

Can you recall the last time you visited a bookshop? not the exact day but yep

Did you purchase anything? I don’t think so

Have you been wearing homemade masks or store-bought ones? both

Do you call yourself stupid a lot? sometimes

Are you listening to music right now? not rn

What is your newest favorite website? aliexpress?

Do you have a headache right now? had before today

What month is your birthday, and what month would u change it to if you could?  February and would like June, July or August that’s why I will spend my name day during summer instead of spring with my sister

Have you ever had to use an epi pen? not yet

Do you know the names of 3 of your neighbors? (list if you can): personal

What was the last grocery store you shopped at?

Do memories from your past come back to haunt you ? frequently

Have you ever seen an angel? or a ghost

Have you ever seen a demon? that time in a mirror?...

What color was the last sweatshirt you wore? grey

What was the last act of creativity you displayed? Vinnie’s tiny bird next to her signature?

Do you ever find yourself just writing/typing out your feelings? my tumblr is full of this shit

Whose house were you at last, besides your own? my current partner’s

Do you like your teeth? not really

Does piano music tend to calm you down? wouldn’t say so

What’s something you need to get done soon? ugh...

Is your best friend awake right now? they are

If I came to your house, could I find any kind of chocolate? ask my mother

Who was the last person to upload a picture with you in it? M.

Do you ever wear sleep masks when you sleep or shower caps when you shower? neither

Don’t tell me lies, so where’s your man? where’s Nat? XD

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex? dad

Has anyone said they love you in the last week? yasss

Have you ever kissed under water? hell no

Have you kissed anyone whose name starts with a M? hahaha

Would you kiss the last person who texted you, on the lips? done and I hopefully will

Camping with a ton of friends or hotel with a few friends? hotel 

Could you go the rest of your life without a cigarette? absolutely

Have you ever wanted something you couldn’t have? like health

How is your boyfriend/girlfriend doing and where are they now? she’s angry, has a flu and she’s working

What was the last topic you read about? DID?

Do you prefer Windows or Mac? Windows

What’s the best amusement park ride you’ve ever been on? I’m not a fan of rides tbh

Would you know how to read a house blueprint? partially?

Do you keep notes on your phone? What sort of things do you write? used to on my old cell

Do you remember much from high school? tought so

Has anyone ever come out to you? yup

What was the last album you listened to in full? Red army choir or Anastasis?

Do you have Disney+? we don’t

Have you ever sent a package or letter to a foreign country? postcards

How many jobs do you have on your resume? 0

Are you comfortable with leaving the house without any makeup on?: I don’t wear makeup

Do you have any expensive hobbies?: if I had money...

What length do you like to keep your nails at?: short

Have you ever felt physical pain in a dream?: but not as much as Nat 

Have you ever had Christmas carolers come to your house and sing for you?: when I was a kid

What’s your favorite Studio Ghibli film?: Porco Rosso?

What did you learn from your last failed relationship?: can we not talk about it...

What’s something on your to-do list that never actually gets done?: I’m a huge procrastinator

Have you ever been really passionate about something but then lost interest? If so, what was it?: collages

What’s the worst thing about being male/female (whichever you are)?: period, being able to get pregnant and have female kinds of cancer etc.

What movie has the best special effects?: I’m into practical special effects more than cgi but... there’s too many to name

When did you last have a vision test?: ages ago 

[need-a-fugue]

We Grow Together (22)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Tessa Sullivan (OFC)

Chapter Summary: Tessa finds a new opportunity... and Bruce gets wasted.

Summary: Relationships can be tough, especially when one person is a recovering-from-being-brainwashed-and-tortured former assassin and the other is an overworked mutant scientist. But hey, every couple has their struggles. Right?

The restaurant was nice. Tessa had been there only once before, and that was for a business meeting with Tony, Helen Cho, and a couple of potential investors. They never ventured out of the bar, though – Tony’s philosophy, Everyone deserves to be taken to a five-star restaurant. But it takes a lot to make it past the bar with me.

Well she had managed to make it past the bar. And it was amazing. “I really was fine with Cantelina’s,” she says as the Maître D pulls out her chair.

Tony scoffs. “Please. It’s your birthday.”

Bruce leans over to whisper to her. “Sorry. If I’d known he’d hijack everything, I wouldn’t have told him.”

“I can hear you,” Tony responds in a whisper of his own as he leans forward.

Pepper turns in her seat and looks to Tessa, ignoring the two men at the table. “You prefer white, right? Chardonnay?”

“Oh, um, yes,” Tessa replies, watching as the woman proceeds to order a $500 bottle of wine without a second thought. “Pepper,” she gasps, but is met with a silencing hand.

“Please,” the blonde laughs out. “This is the least that we owe you.” A serious look suddenly takes over her face. “Unless you really don’t want this. We can go to Cantelina’s… or wherever you’d like.”

“No we can’t,” Tony interrupts. “She’s wanted to have dinner here forever.”

“Yeah, but I can’t ask you – ”

“Ask? No, you’re not asking us to take you out.”

“Yeah,” Bruce intones, facing Tony. “You actually weren’t invited at all.”

Tony slowly turns to his friend. “You agreed that this was a good idea,” he explains as though he’s speaking to a small child. “We discussed this, remember?”

“We discussed taking her to dinner sometime in the future to – ow!” he lets out as Tony’s shoe connects with his shin…hard. “I’m just saying, you didn’t have to take over her birthday.”

“I’m not taking over. I’m picking up the pieces the Tin Man left behind.”

“Tony,” Pepper warns.

“Look,” Tessa interrupts. “This is all really nice…” She pauses briefly and looks longingly around the dining room. “And you’re right, I do really want to eat here. And drink that crazy expensive chardonnay…”

“Good,” Tony utters from across the table.

“But, you really don’t need to pay for all this.”

He waves a hand in the air absently. “It’s a business expense. I do this for all of the people I’m trying to woo.”

“Only the important ones,” Pepper says with a smile.

“You do know that I already work for you, right?”

“Yeah, about that,” he says, stilling suddenly as the wine is brought out and served.

Tessa literally sits on the edge of her seat until the waiter leaves. “About what?” she asks. “You’re not firing me, are you?”

“Not entirely, no.”

“Not entirely?”

Tony leans back in his chair and motions to her glass of wine, urges her with his eyes to try some. She picks up the glass and sips the dry, buttery liquid, lets the warmth flow down her throat, all while maintaining anxious eye contact with her employer.

Pepper watches the odd dynamic, notes Tessa’s agitation – and Tony’s amusement – and shakes her head. “Would you just tell her, please?”

“I was building up to it, creating a mood,” he says as he straightens upright. “But fine, sure, I’ll just tell her.” He turns to face Tessa and says without any ceremony at all, “I want you to run the medical research division of Stark Industries.”

Tessa wrinkles her nose in confusion. “There is no medical research division of Stark Industries.”

“There is now,” Bruce supplies from her left. She glances over to find him trying to hide a coy smile behind his glass.

“I don’t understand.”

“Next week, we are officially in business with U-Gin, which means we’re going to devote more time, money, and resources to that side of the business.”

Pepper interrupts to supply the business perspective that Mr. Idea Man often lacks. “We’re going to be restructuring the entire Research and Development sector. Robotics, Biomechanical Engineering, Innovative Design Technologies, and Genetic Medical Research. We would like you to lead the new Genetic Medical Research division.”

Tessa cocks her head, a completely dumfounded look on her face.

Bruce lightly lays his fingers on her forearm to get her attention. “Of course, this means your role with the Avengers may change a bit,” he says. “You’ll no longer be able to practice.”

“She hates practicing,” Tony blurts out. “I’m not a practitioner,” he taunts, repeating her all too often uttered phrase.

“You did an amazing job setting up the medical response teams,” Pepper tells her. “Now you’ll just need to select who you want to lead the tier one team in your stead.”

“But, you’ll still, officially, be the Avengers’ lead physician,” Tony assures her. “There’s a level of trust there – medical records and secret old injuries and such. You just need to… delegate more. Like I’m doing now.”

“This will also mean a lot more time in the city,” Pepper continues, eager to explain just how this position might affect Tessa’s life. “We’re going to redesign and reopen the lab in the tower. You’ll still have your personal lab at the compound though – ”

“For pet projects,” Tony supplies.

“For whatever projects you personally choose to work on,” she corrects. “We want you to continue your research. We just want to give you the platform to do it on a much larger scale.”

“But… why?”

“Why?” Tony mocks. Then, turning to Pepper, “Did she just say why?” Pepper only smiles in response, tilting her head in that I’m trying to be patient with you way of hers. He lets out an exaggerated sigh before turning back to Tessa. “Because you’re going to cure diseases. You’re going to find a way to clone tissues for transplantation. You’re going to help the human race… evolve. And I want my company to get all of the credit.”

She stares at him for a long moment, working to gauge his level of sincerity. “I don’t think I know what to say,” she finally utters.

“You should know, there’ll also be a ton of boring meetings, press conferences… board meetings,” Tony adds with a dramatic eye roll. “The bureaucracy is just awful.”

“Board meetings?”

Pepper gives her a soft, patient smile. “The head of each new division will have a place on the board.”

“The board? Of Stark Industries?”

“Tell me you’re getting this, kid. I picked you because I thought you were some kind of genius. Not me kind of genius. But some kind.”

She nods emphatically. “I get it. I get it. I just… I don’t really have the experience… or any experience.”

Tony scoffs. “You have plenty. And besides, I like to mold my people.” He pauses to take a drink of the wine in front of him, and he makes a face the moment it hits his palate. “Ugh. No. Need scotch.” He motions for a waiter. “Also, you know Dr. Cho and you’ve been in on the U-Gin dealings from the beginning. It just makes sense that you’d be the one to set up the new lab.”

“The new lab in the city?”

He turns back to her after ordering a drink and momentarily gives her a confused look. “No. That won’t be big enough. We just bought a 500,000 square foot building in Seattle. That’s where the new lab will be. Did I mention this job will require travel?”

“Only in the beginning,” Pepper says. “We’ll need you in Seoul for a few weeks to work with Dr. Cho and her team on the plans. And then it’ll just be some back and forth between New York and Seattle while it’s all being built and staffed. Though, of course, you can go there and check in as needed. And you’ll have access to the company jet.”

“One of the company jets. Probably not the nicest one,” Tony says.

“Your office will be in the city. But you’ll be able to remote in from anywhere, including your office at the Avengers compound.”

“Okay,” Tessa says simply. “I can do that.”

“Of course you can,” Tony says, clapping his hands together. “You’re a big girl now. You can do anything!”

“Tony,” Pepper breathes out as she shuts her eyes and shakes her head in embarrassment.

“What? It’s true. She’s finally an adult. You didn’t think I’d give a job like this to a twenty-something, did you? Hell, the last time a kid headed a division, he almost ran the company into the ground.”

“Just so we’re clear here,” Bruce begins, leaning forward, “that kid was you, right?”

At some point during the three or so hours they spend at the restaurant, Pepper orders some other crazy expensive wine, and despite filling up on the most delicious filet mignon ever made, Tessa is fairly tanked by the time she gets back from the city. Oh, wait, that might’ve also been the bottle of scotch that she split with Tony and Bruce after Pep left. Well, whatever the reason, the room is spinning like a damn dreidel the moment she steps inside.

“I got it,” she tells Bruce as he helps lower her to the couch in her apartment. She closes her eyes and leans back into the cushions. “I got it.”

“Yep.” He grabs two bottles of water from her fridge and returns to collapse onto the sofa beside her. Tossing one of the bottles into her lap, he lets out a long growl of a sigh.

“Ha!” Tessa barks out without lifting her head. “You’re drunk.”

He takes a long gulp of his water and simply repeats, “Yep.”

They sit in silence for several long moments, waiting for the world to settle around them. When she finally opens her eyes again, things are at least a bit less spinny. She turns to face Bruce. “Why aren’t you doing it?” she asks him, words only slightly muddled.

He blinks hard to focus – what had he done with his glasses? – and gives her a confounded look. “Doing what?”

“Running this new… thing. I know you’re Tony’s first choice.”

He leans back and gazes up at the ceiling. “I don’t think…” He sighs long and loud. “After my failed experiant… experent… ex-peer-ment… It isn’t in me. Not like you.”

“I’m in you?” she asks with a snorty giggle.

“You were made for this,” he breathes out. Sitting upright, he looks her in the eye, though he has to cock his head a bit to the side to dispel the slight double vision. “Don’t be nervous.”

“Don’t be nervous?” she asks incredulously. “Billions of dollars,” she exclaims, throwing her hands into the air. “One of the biggest companies… a board member?”

“Tony wouldn’t ask if he wasn’t sure.”

“He’s testing me.” She rises from the couch with a rather significant sway and looks down at Bruce. “It’s all a test.”

“Waxing poetical,” he murmurs with a sweep of his hand. “Life’s a test. You pass, you die anyway.”

She stares down at him for a long moment, unsure what to say. Then, “I’m gonna rock the shit outta this job,” comes out through gritted teeth.

“Yes!” Bruce jumps up excitedly… maybe more animated than she’s ever seen him. She stumbles back a few steps and lets out a raucous laugh. “Yes,” he repeats, less emphatically as he wobbles where he stands. “And I’m going to…” He slowly lowers himself back onto the couch. “I’m going to rock this sofa.”

[uncloseted]

do u have any idea why girls tend not to orgasm the first time they’ve had sex? i’m a virgin and all my friends who have had sex said that the first time wasn’t enjoyable and it makes me wonder how i can make my first time the best it can be. sorry if it’s too personal lol

Not too personal at all!  This is actually a really good question and one that I think can help a lot of people.  This turned into a little bit of an essay, so apologies in advance, but I do really feel like all of this is important for you (and everyone else reading this) to know.

The first thing I’ll say is that if you’re interested in this topic or learning more about your relationship to sex, I would highly, highly recommend Girls & Sex by Peggy Orenstein and Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.  Both books are deep-dives into female sexuality- how it works, how it’s different from male sexuality, how it develops, etc. Girls & Sex focuses specifically on Millennials/Gen Z, while Come As You Are is a more universal primer. Anyway, the short answer is that it’s complicated.  Girls grow up with a lot of expectations around their sexuality.  If you’re in the US, there’s often an especially large dichotomy between abstinence-only education and the prevalence of both porn and normalized promiscuity in the media that we consume.  What I mean by that is that on the one hand, you’re told that you should never, ever, under any circumstances have sex before you’re married, but also that you should be having tons and tons of sex from the time you start high school, and the sex you do have should be like it is in porn.  Coupled with that, female sexuality is often presented as something secondary or adjacent to male sexuality- girls’ priorities are often making sure that their partner is satisfied, whereas men are more likely to prioritize their own satisfaction (I’m getting somewhere with all of this, I promise).  Sex ends up being more of a performance for a partner than an experience you’re sharing with them. Female masturbation also isn’t normalized the way that male masturbation is; many girls don’t explore their sexuality alone at all.  So just to start with, you have girls that are simultaneously expected to be virginal and sexually adventurous, who are expected to prioritize their partner’s orgasm over their own and perform to an arbitrary standard of “sexy”, and who don’t necessarily know what feels good to them or how they orgasm.  Which is not a great starting place to build a healthy relationship with sex from.

Then there’s the actual act of having sex for the first time.  Female sexuality is complicated; Nagoski describes female sexuality as comprising an “accelerator” and “brakes”. Per her book, the “accelerator” responds to “sexually relevant” stimulation (anything you see, hear, smell, touch, taste, or imagine that your brain has learned to associate with sexual arousal), while the “brakes” respond to “potential threats”—anything you see, hear, smell, touch, taste, or imagine that your brain interprets as a good reason not to be turned on right now (concerns about STDs or pregnancy, about your reputation, about how you look, about the person you’re being intimate with, etc).  Guys also aren’t always familiar with how to properly stimulate the girl that they’re with; many think that the act of penetration is all that’s required.  The reality is that your clitoris is the most important part- it’s similar to the head of the penis in terms of sensitivity and its role in pleasure.

So.  You have girls that are simultaneously expected to be virginal and sexually adventurous, who are expected to prioritize their partner’s orgasm over their own and perform to an arbitrary standard of “sexy” that’s largely based on porn (which isn’t even getting into body image issues that a lot of girls struggle with), who don’t necessarily know what feels good to them or how they orgasm, partnered with guys who don’t really know what they’re doing, who might be worried about STDs or pregnancy, their reputation, performing for the person that they’re with, whether they’ll be “good” in bed...  It’s no wonder that the brakes are being pressed in this kind of situation.  That’s a lot of pressure.

The result of the brakes being pressed is that oftentimes girls aren’t properly aroused before having sex for the first time, which can result in pain and bleeding.  For some awful reason this is considered standard, even though it really shouldn’t be. Lube can help the situation in that case, since it reduces friction the way your own bodily fluids would.  Exploring your own body and figuring out what feels good for you will also help once you’re with another person.  But I think the most important thing is to be relaxed and to be with someone you trust.  Do your best to create a situation where there aren’t a ton of things around you that are causing your brain to press the brakes, and there are things around you that are hitting the accelerator.  What that means will be different for everyone because only you know what your brakes and accelerators are, so I encourage you to really think about what your own relationship to sex is before you do it with someone else.

[brainboys]

[TOM HOLLAND, CISMALE, HE/HIM] have you seen QUINN WRIGHT around sedona? QUINN is a UNIVERSITY STUDENT/PART-TIME PIZZA DELIVERY GUY, but they’re also THE ENCYCLOPEDIA in the sedona sleuths, so you’ve probably seen them around the firehouse shed. they’re known for being QUICK-WITTED and EARNEST, but they’re also known to be GULLIBLE and IMPULSIVE. when they’re not at the shed, i can usually find them at the PIZZERIA. i can always recognize them by their untied shoelaces, a carefully curated pokemon card collection, adept fingers pressing away on a nintendo, the rush of exhaustion after being late and misplaced optimism. 

biography, playlist, pinterest board & connections.

the encyclopedia:  The brains of the group, they know loads of random facts that come in handy in the tightest of situations. They’re also probably the one doing the background research when needed.

B A S I C S :

name: quinn wright. nickname:  quinn. age: twenty-two. date of birth: october 11th. place of birth: sedona, ka. gender: cismale. pronouns: he/him. sexuality: gay (not out).

P H Y S I C A L :

height: 173cm. build: slim. hair color: brown. eye color: brown. tattoos: none. piercings: none. preferred style of clothing: fashion is not a topic of interest to him,   so he tends to lean towards comfort over style.   he doesn’t go shopping for clothes often,   so he rotates between a few graphic t-shirts,   button-ups,   and light sweaters for the summer.   in winter,   he wears over-sized hoodies and sweatpants as often as he can get away with it.   he hopes people don’t notice,   but he only owns two pairs of jeans and slightly over-sized dress pants for emergencies. 

H E A L T H :

physical ailments: none. mental disorders: dyslexia,   combined ADHD & battling with depression.  smoker? no. drinker? socially. drug user? no. addictions: none. allergies: none.

P E R S O N A L I T Y :

zodiac signs: libra sun,   gemini moon. mbti: enfp-t, the campaigner. hogwarts house: gryffindor. positive traits:

quick-witted: quinn is known for being quick on his feet,  but that’s not only in a physical sense.    when someone pushes him against a corner,   whether it’s with a comment made to tease him or a new revelation during an investigation that throws them off,    he’s sharp with a silver tongue rapier and speedily familiarizes himself with information,   easily readjusting it into what he already has in a way that tends to get them out of difficult situations. 

earnest: this is a trait he had to learn,   for better or for worse.   it’s something he actively forces himself to be in order to get anything done.   since his mind tends to be scattered and he’s doing or thinking about doing five things at once,   and then something else,   he uses tactics he learned at therapy to focus on tasks he needs to get done and that includes having a lot of conviction for the things that other people can do with ease,   like sitting down for long enough to finish a rough draft of an essay without getting distracted for a whole day.   he applies this mostly to schoolwork and day-to-day necessities,   but when they’re working on a new mystery,   quinn sits himself down and does research on the background.   this is something he genuinely enjoys doing,   so he struggles less to focus on it. 

friendly: while he doesn’t stray away from the sleuths,   he has no problems making friends and talking to strangers outside of the group.   he can be shy with new people and prefers being around those who he already knows,   but if left alone at a party,   he’ll have a new friend group in ten minutes.

negative traits:

gullible: quinn really is this tiktok.   someone could tell him anything and he’d be like   ‘ ok yeah why not ’   even though it’s an obvious lie.   he takes everything at face value and rarely tries to see what’s behind people’s words.   people have told him to stop being so trusting towards others,   especially when they’re working on solving something,   but quinn really does the same shit over and over because it’s in his nature to just trust people and not think to question their intentions.  

impulsive: compliment him all you want about how smart he is,   the only reason he’s got so much knowledge inside of his brain is that he has no impulse control and if he suddenly has the thought that he needs to know something about how the future might look like with self-operated cars,   ways of murdering someone through poison,   the algorithm behind rubix cubes or literally any topic under and beyond the sun,   he’ll obsess over it for a few days.   quinn gets hyperfixations because of his ADHD and they range from videogames to wildly specific points in history. 

anxious: anxious counts as one of quinn’s primary moods,   and sometimes anxiety comes right in the middle of a perfectly normal day if anything goes slightly wrong,   like losing his favorite pen or realizing that he forgot to grab his lunch box before leaving the house that day.   since quinn tries really hard to keep a schedule,   he feels off whenever he forgets something on it and it brings down his whole mood.   in stressful situations,   quinn paces back and forth with anxiety,   whispering to himself and trying to catch up with his brain.   this usually means that he’s thinking really hard on finding a way to solve a situation,   though sometimes he’ll be so anxious that it impedes him from thinking straight.

love language: physical touch & words of affirmation.  hobbies: video games (lots of them), collecting pokemon cards, keeping up on scientific developments, researching the sleuth’s cases, running, murder mysteries and general mysteries, and whatever his new hyperfixation is. fears: not fitting in, failure, abandonment, needles.

B A C K G R O U N D ,   T D ; L R :

tw: mentions of cancer, death, and homophobia.

quinn basically grew up in queen’s pizzeria.    that’s where his mom worked when he was a kid,   so his dad would pick him up from school and drop him off there for the rest of his mom’s shift because he needed to go back to his own job and the pizzeria is where they allowed quinn to hang-out. 

he struggled a lot with school and was labeled as a problem child.   he hated doing school work and he fell behind in reading,   but when quinn entered high-school,   he was diagnosed with dyslexia and combined ADHD.    by that time,   his parents had already gotten divorced after spending quinn’s childhood poorly hiding their frequent fights.    his mom also got diagnosed with cancer,   and times were rough.

his dad remarried and quinn stayed with his mom throughout her illness.   at one point,   when the bills were too high even though he was working part-time at the pizzeria,   he convinced his mom to let him go off his meds and join a sports team at school instead.   it was to ease the financial strain off them,   and it only helped a little bit. 

quinn joined track and kept going to therapy.   his mom had ups and downs but mostly downs,   since medication would stop working after a while until they realized that they were only temporarily treating her cancer but they wouldn’t be able to cure it.    it gave them time to prepare for her death,   so they did.

his mom taught him what she could about living independently from her before she passed away,   though quinn doesn’t think that any amount of preparation could prepare him for the grief that came. 

he moved out of his childhood home and into his dads place with his new family,    a stepmom and two stepsiblings.   he lived in the basement,   which was his choice,   and quit his job at the pizzeria to focus on school and track full-time like he’d promised his mom.   his dad has always been high-key homophobic so at some point in high school quinn dated the first girl who said yes because he was having doubts about his sexuality and he was afraid of it. 

after graduating high school,   quinn decided to pick up his old job again during the summer between graduation and his new year at sedona’s community college and he’s been working there ever since.   he tries to ask his dad for as little as possible since he’s already paying for his tuitions.   quinn wants to build a career in biochemical engineering,   so he’s studying biology and hopes to transfer to the nearest university where they offer that degree even if it’s post-graduate. 

he broke up with his girlfriend after graduating high-school and honestly his dad’s going to be homophobic no matter what so forcing himself into a relationship he didn’t want was just toxic for both parties involved and he’d never do it again,   especially because he let it go on for so long. 

and that’s it for this part !   his biography has everything much more coherently laid out but tbh it’s kinda long so !!

H E A D C A N O N S :

quinn is really enthusiastic about pokemon so if ur thinking of a gift,   u can’t go wrong with anything related to it.   it’s been his favorite show and video games since he was a child so there’s a lot of nostalgia tied to it. 

quinn has a ton of game apps on his phone and he rarely uses social media.   whenever he’s bored and sitting around,   he prefers playing a game rather than scrolling through a feed.   he also carried around his nintendos...   the nintendo console depends on which game he’s playing but he’s often seen with the 3ds or switch. 

whenever someone interrupts him,   whether it’s mid-sentence,   mid-homework,   mid-whatever-task,   they’ll always get his ‘oh shit’ face because he knows it’ll be hard to focus on whatever he was doing again.   if his thoughts or sentences are interrupted,   he 100% won’t pick up where he left off unless someone reminds him. 

quinn’s often seen with headphones on because he prefers to listen to books since reading is a whole ass task that requires a lot of focus that he doesn’t have and dyslexia absolutely makes things worse.   when texting,   auto-complete is his savior. 

quinn has loved dinosaurs ever since he read jane yolen’s children's books in primary school.   if it has a dinosaur on it,   he’ll buy it. 

he hates the way alcohol tastes but he thinks that drinking is cool so he won’t tell anyone about it.    he honestly doesn’t even drink to get drunk because he’s a good boy but if holding a beer makes him look like he fits in,   he’s going to hold a beer.

quinn...    tries to fit in.   he’s friendly by nature but he doesn’t think that’s enough.   it might have to do with the comments his dad used to make about homosexuality that made him feel like he has to fit a certain mold or else he won’t be accepted by others. 

he’s known he was gay since high-school but he has only really dated a girl.   he’s afraid of being intimate with a boy because he knows that’s what he wants but he has been suppressing that part of himself and thinks that he still needs to suppress it because of his dad.   

the reason he got re-hired at the pizzeria is that the owner has a quinn-shaped soft spot,   not because he’s good at the job.   quinn has the tendency to be late on deliveries and anyone who tries to get free pizzas will get mouthfuls from him about how it’ll come out of his paycheck and please please please just pay for this pizza i swear i won’t be late next time....   but guess what ?    he’s late next time. 

anddddd i think i’ll leave it at that !!   i’m hella excited to plot with everyone so check out his wanted connections list n i’m sure we can work something out !!!!!!!!!

[sojuu]

i woke up crying.

it was such a weird dream but i can’t help but believe that any dream i’m experiencing is truly reality and i end up facing it with the entirety of my existence, not a part of me knowing or even considering the fact that it’s all in my head. i hate it so much. i woke up crying and as it slowly sunk in that i was really just dreaming, i felt such a huge wave of relief like i used up the last of my shitty luck and somehow escaped into an alternate reality. anyone would think i had just dreamed of someone dying or something exceptionally terrible. but it wasn’t anything like that. just heartbreak. so familiar, yet it hurt, stung, and burned like the first time.

it’s been happening for a few days now and it’s something i’ve experienced before. i think somehow it’s a coping mechanism for my brain, which is always ( why do you do this ) thinking of the worst possible scenario for my heart and is trying to run through these enactments of heartbreak in the worst possible manner like some sick therapy or training that would somehow harden my heart and prepare me for the worst...or the inevitable. i’m not sure. i can’t say it’s ever worked though. i am still as vulnerable and fragile and prone to break down.

______________________________

in my first relationship, as i was saying goodbye to him before getting ready to return home from school before my summer internship, i asked him if this was a break or a break-up. his answer?

“whatever makes it easier.”

he looked sad but smiled anyway, the most gentlest i’d ever seen him throughout the entirety of our relationship, which was, in short, abusive. i ran to my friends’ apartment across the street and cried into their arms. they supported me and we watched moana to help me feel a bit better. i returned to my apartment later with puffy eyes, my heart a bit lightened. but i could slowly feel it sinking back into this bottomless sadness as i realized i wouldn’t see them for a bit. i felt alone and helpless, not knowing how i would deal with this emotional burden. i wanted it gone but i didn’t know how to get rid of it. i’m impatient. “it gets better with time” i didn’t want to hear it.

i went off to my summer internship in a new city. travelling and living alone in a new city is incredibly exciting but nerve-wracking. but i can’t deny that it helped to focus on something other than my broken heart. i arrived a bit earlier to move in and settle down, giving me some time to explore at my leisure. my room was small but the bed was set right up against the window, giving me tons of sunlight and an alright view of the city. i would watch the sun rise from the window many times as i either failed to sleep or woke up crying. for months.

_______________________________

it was the same feeling as back then. i had dreams that i thought were real until i woke up and saw the sun of a new city flood the room and greet me, assuring me it wasn’t real. except...it eventually did become real. i dreamed that he left me for another girl, someone i knew and was acquainted with. they were always close friends but it never bothered me because, well, i liked her too. and i trusted him. or wanted to believe i could. towards the end of the year though, i had suspected something was up because he told me to leave him alone so he could focus on his finals and applying to grad school. so i did, because your future and your career are important. i stopped messaging him and didn’t talk to him or see him for a week. the next time i did see him, he was watching netflix and laughing with her. i was furious. am i the crazy girlfriend? he hadn’t talked to me at all that week and yet, here i found him enjoying himself with someone else. ( wow typing this out, i really do sound like the crazy girlfriend lol. but dam, he was so shitty to me i ain’t about to discredit myself and give him anything rn. sorry but 2017 and 2018 me were wasted on u. i deserved better u misogynistic asshole with anger management issues who can’t even take care of yourself. i didn’t deserve being told to break up with you from your mom, being told racist things, how she didn’t like koreans coupled with him telling me his mom just wanted him to have a nice chinese girlfriend. fuck you. o shit i just got so angry so fast lmao. repressed much lol )

they eventually started dating the following school year. he had apparently sought after her throughout the summer and when the new semester began. and to think he had the audacity to ask me to be friends again after ghosting me the entire

different story. different time.

i can’t say my dreams were realistic in the slightest. they were over-dramatic and honestly would never play out in real life like they do in my head. but nevertheless, i had my heart broken tons of times that summer just from my own imagination. and just now, too.

he’s my second one. we’re in a bit of a weird spot but basically, we’re chillin. we did actually date for like a month at the beginning of the school year but...things happened. he’s been working the same job and living in this city for years and i’m about to graduate. basically, if we end up in the same city, we’ll start dating again. but if not, it’s over.

i’ve been feeling really shaky about all this because i hate not knowing exactly where i stand in his life and where he stands in mine. we’re not dating but we’re not just friends, either. and i truly thought i could have a future with this guy. i still do, to some degree. but i feel like it’s too early to be thinking about stuff like that. i gotta graduate and get a job first lol. and i guess you could say the easiest solution to all this is to just find jobs in the same cities, which is basically what we’re doing right now. but i’m kinda having a mental breakdown about my career, what i actually want to do, my chance of even getting a job with all this shit happening, etc...

wow the more i write the more ridiculous i sound to myself. i think since it’s been like an hour since i woke up, my sad feelings have like dissipated or something lmao. idk. i feel better but also like...disappointed in myself? i think i just need a therapist to be honest. i thought i was over all the shit that happened in my previous relationship but clearly not. my brain is sabotaging itself with this weird dreaming heartbreak training again because that’s just the shitty way it works. but that doesn’t mean those two people in my life are the same. am i exhibiting the same behavior because i see similarities between them or because i just don’t know any other way to cope? because they are definitely very different people. it’s just...they both broke my trust. i guess that’s one similarity. did it involve other people? yeah. another similarity. hmm, maybe i’m not that crazy after all. i always feel like i overthink and overreact. and i do. i honestly do and i can acknowledge that. but typing this out, i can see why my brain would return to the same coping mechanism.

i should just end it. if i’m having thoughts about him like this, if my trust in him isn’t what it used to be, then maybe this just ain’t it...is what i’ve been thinking at the back of my head for a while. but am i giving up on something that could be? relationships are hard to make work, even good ones. they require trust and work both ways, i know that. communication, understanding, sympathy, vulnerability...all those things and even more. and yet, i can’t really ask for any of that right now since we’re not even at that point. we’re not dating. we’re just chillin. friends with benefits? maybe. but there are definitely strings attached since we, uh, did actually date at some point. idk. i can still see a future with this guy but maybe not now maybe in like...a few years? when i figure out a better way of handling myself? when i get a therapist? when the rest of my life is a bit more figured out? when this virus isn’t wrecking my motivation, mental state, grades, productivity, etc.?

idk man

i just wanted to write down what i dreamed but it ended up being a rant anyway.

i dreamed that he showed me a song. it was kinda like a love song? and we sang it together. and then he told me was gonna sing it to another girl and had all these things prepared to confess to her. i was confused. i thought we were dating. i thought we were together? was this a different timeline? we had a hangout place. it was shaped like a huge glass bottle but twisted towards the top. i cried and ran into the glass bottle building and up the twirling staircase and sang the song. he followed me and gave me a hug while i was crying. there’s an abandoned shopping cart outside of the building. i don’t know why. he goes back downstairs and leaves. i am devastated and crying and singing the song. and then i wake up.

i don’t even remember what the song sounded like.

i feel more normal now. i really need to take a shit tho.

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[leggigoesabroad]

skipping down sixteenth avenue

We woke up the next morning honestly fuggin AMPED because it was a full day at sea.  We had big plans to get some work done, explore the ship, day drink, revel in it all, etc.  But immediately we all felt so seasick that mid-meeting in Brooke’s room she just said “this isn’t happening. Let’s all go back to bed.” And we snorted lines of Dramamine and napped (essentially.)  We got an invitation that morning for dinner with the captain that night, which just so happened to be the ship’s formal night that we didn’t know existed.  Cue PANIC as I accused them all of trying to haze me by not telling me I needed to bring anything other than athleisure.  The nicest thing I brought with me was a floral jumpsuit so I tried my best to blend in but goddamn it these women were wearing like, sparkly evening gowns, strapless bodycon dresses, etc.   Couldn’t even go shopping anywhere since we were at sea all day.  Brooke says it was Nick’s fault, Nick and I secretly remember it was Brooke’s fault as she was the one who told us that Alaskan cruises don’t have formal nights…. Sigh. I’ve only just now started to get over it.  Combined with feeling like death all day and then having to be on good behavior for the very peculiar captain, things were dire.  The lack of formalwear also of course meant that I felt the need to get ahead of it to everyone I encountered the entire night.  “Just so you know I was told there wasn’t a formal night!!” **manic laughter drawing attention to myself** “I would never think this was appropriate for a formal night or dinner with the captain, we didn’t know! We’re here for work! It was a miscommunication!” **more manic laughter and essentially forcing people to say I look nice** “I dress way better at home, had I known I would have fit right in!! You can imagine.  I compensated by getting rip-roaring drunk and OD’ing on Dramamine which led me to a coma-like state I tried to Adderall-away the rest of the cruise.  Hate me cuz u ain’t me.  

The captain was ssssssooo strange – pleasant, but just on a different level of awareness than most normal people.  Lived in his own little captain world.  Old and British and told stories that made no sense and weren’t really relevant. Overly polite but also we felt like he didn’t want to be there.  By the way, I saw captain multiple times a day and at EVERY meal.  I swear he’s just a figurehead who never drives the boat himself. We did a bridge tour later in the week and he made a point to roll on through and look like he was “captain-ing” at one point when we all know he just chills and makes his officers do it. Towards the end of the trip we were talking to him one day and asked how his day was, and he said he had to get up at 4 am to dock and was exhausted and slept all day afterwards.  First of all, 4 am isn’t that much earlier than a normal early wake-up time.  Second of all, docking start to finish only takes like 45 minutes MAX.  Third of all, it’s your job!!!!!!!

We finally pulled into our first port in Ketchikan on Thursday morning.  The boys each had a fun shore excursion to do (bear sanctuary, ziplining) but Brooke, Yolanda and I had a day of running from vendor to vendor to spend about 15 minutes each just learning what they offered and asking questions.  Yolanda used to travel in Alaska with Seabourn back in 2013, so she greeted every tour operator in every town as if they were her long-lost brother or sister and reunited after being away at war for six years. You’ll hear more about it as these blogs go on but lord she is the most dramatic person I have ever met and also not self-aware whatsoever but it’s fucking hysterical.  Today when we said goodbye I said, “honestly, Yolanda, I can’t remember a time before I knew you.” And that’s about how I can sum up our relationship.  

The bopping around was not as fun because we didn’t actually participate in any of the activities, and it was pouring rain.  But all things considered, not as bad as I expected it would be.  We met two super-hot fishermen (each of whom had a baby with their wives in the last week smh where do I get one) and heard all about their different excursions.  They sounded dope but there was freshly caught fish all around us on the docks and their eyes stared at me during the whole spiel and I couldn’t focus.  Why are fish eyes SO CREEPY? After a few more stops around town, our local tour operator Kari drove us to the end of the island to George Inlet Lodge and met one of the owner/operators, CANDI, who gave me a real “mom in Justified /Aunt Lydia in Handmaid’s Tale / whatever her real name is who just won an Emmy” vibe, except less cold blooded murder-y. They showed us their boats and excursions and then fed us an authentic meal just like the members would get, which included Dungeness crab legs.  I told myself before the trip started that I’d HAVE to try and eat more seafood because a) it’s fresh AF in Alaska so this is the place b) my excuse of “but it’s too expensive at restaurants” can’t apply here #freeunlimitedfood and c) I should try to immerse myself in the culture. If Kitty ever reads this she’ll die, also Kitty you should never go to Alaska.  We’re going to keep a running tab on all the seafood, I tried, okay?!  First: the “dungie” crabs.  Learned how to crack them open and everything.  They were relatively tasty, but I still don’t get why people lose their shit over crab legs, especially because it’s soooooo much work for so little payout.  I’m more of a low investment, high reward type.

After the lodge we drove to the opposite end of the island and got on a boat to drive out to Hump Island (lol) Oyster Farm, where a 20-year-old kid named Sean showed us around his dad’s operation.  He was the epitome of what I imagine an Alaskan braaaaaaaah to be and he was cracking me up. All self-deprecating humor about how no 20-year-old should know as much about oysters as him and all he wants to do is chill with his friends in the summer, not tumble oysters 12 hours a day. There were tons of pots all around the little floating island and he explained it takes an oyster about 3 years to grow to maturity and be ready to be eaten/sold, so I asked him if the pots were organized by relative age so you know which ones are new and which need more time, etc.  He said, “honestly we’re just oyster farmers we’re not the brightest most organized guys in the world but that would make sense, wouldn’t it” but all with a sweet douchey little smile only a college kid could get away with.  The thing that struck me most was just how different “summer jobs” in Alaska are for kids than in say, DC.  They don’t work at fast food restaurants or for their dad’s law firm or at daycare blah blah blah, they work on boats or on oyster farms or fishing or logging or giving tours to cruise passengers.  Builds character! And calluses!  They fed us fresh oysters after that which I really didn’t want because I had an oyster one time and I thought it was gross, but again, had to.  And it tasted better than I remember probably because I was literally on the farm where it was grown, kinda like how beer tastes better at a brewery because it never has to travel. 

Back on the ship that night, we ate at what is literally called The Restaurant.  The ship only has a few dining options – The Restaurant, which is pretty shmancy and requires a reservation (but not for us VIPs of course who had the same table reserved for us every night), the Colonnade (buffet-style, ate all of our breakfasts and lunches there) and the Grill, which is a VERY SHMANCY Thomas Keller restaurant that has cut-throat competition for reservations and apparently our members lose their minds over.  We ate there a few nights later and I accidentally got hammered on my new favorite drink, Old Cubans, and had to be essentially rolled out of there in front of the Super Hot Waiter I’m in Love With, Thomas from Belgium. Literally just conjured his face in my mind when typing this and felt an internal swoon.  I miss him so much.  ANYWAY we ate at the Restaurant each night, which had fixed menu options on the right hand side and a rotating left menu.  I tried to be ~adventurous but mostly ate a lot of steak.  Had a black truffle risotto one night and literally loved it so much asked for a second portion.  Going to the lake this weekend and stuffing myself in a bikini is going to be like, a three-person job. We had the same two servers each night – Anastasiia, a 25-year-old Russian girl who love/hated us and today tried to do a bike excursion after never having ridden a bike before and eventually gave up because she crashed too much (I said, “Anastasiia! You can’t just try and ride a bike and hope it goes well, you need someone to guide/teach you until you’re comfortable!” Smh) and Simba, a South African angel who had a crush on me and calmly put up with all of my Lion King jokes.  Listen, other than Super Hot Waiter Thomas, they all had a crush on me.  Maybe they found my complete lack of adherence to their dress code sexy in a “fuck the rules” kind of way?? (How is one supposed to dress for “elegant casual” nightly anyway…) Maybe it was how I insisted night over night that I was “one of them” and not a client because I was here for a site visit and begged them to let me hang out with them?  (The assistant Maitre’D Marius tried to pull so many strings to allow us to be invited to crew Bingo night but alas, we were rejected.) Or maybe it was because I was one of the only people on the ship under the age of 60 and I shamelessly chatted and flirted with everyone I saw, at every meal… It’s hard to say. Simba even publicly sang me a love song at the last night at dinner.  

Slept that night and woke up to the most magical, mystical, ethereal scenery of the Misty Fjords surrounding us.  I’ll post a picture so you can truly understand how magical these were.  Pouring rain but gorgeous and foggy and tranquil. TO BE CONTINUED!