#get it bc she's supposed to be tiny
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day two of the forgotten ones challenge by @forbiddenwhims - meet audra thimble!
#sims 4#ts4#sims 4 cas#ts4 cas#sims 4 screenies#ts4 edit#my sims#show us your sims#audra thimble#get it bc she's supposed to be tiny
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this isn't touchstarved related i just wanna say something into a void that cares
getting ready for a concert tomorrow && i was having such horrible body image issues with my skirt x corset combo. just wasn't feeling it. so i thought i'd go a more masc western route to fit the vibe of the artist && wow i love 🩷 masc fits 🩷 i love working WITH not AGAINST my broad shoulders and Thick arms and hiding my boobs away and wow. i love gender nonconformity i love gender expression i love being free. finally free
#sincerely a big tiddy long haired girlie who loves pink but also. wants to be manly sometimes (because i am manly)#i embraced my masculinity when i changed to she/they pronouns and the way my confidence has skyrocketed..#i feel so much more comfortable with my body. my natural body. i've never felt like i fit what a girl is supposed to look like :(#and i would harm myself in various ways trying to achieve what i thought being a girl was.#idk idk idk#it was just one of those moments where i was like oh. i actually like being queer !#bc sometimes . unfortunately i wish differently so my life would be more straightforward#so hooray authenticity and feeling good in your body hooray loving yourself !!!!!#you can't be a Dainty Tiny Sweet girl when you grew up doing physical labor on a farm & having to defend yourself & having hormonal problem#surprise!!!!#get it through your thick skull bitch!!!!! (@ me)
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god i cannot wait to be off these steroids…
#marzi speaks#marzivents#<- it’s late n i’m kinda pent up abt this#i’m so TIRED of themmmm#i’m probs gonna be on them for the rest of the year. which SUCKSSS#i don’t like how many ppl comment on the moon face#i don’t mind it. like i look in a mirror and i’m okay.#it’s a little weird. but like. just because it’s different. like getting used to a new haircut#but every time i see someone for the first time in a bit it’s ‘woah your face got rounder’#and i have to go ‘oh yeah it’s water retention- steroids thing it’ll go away when i’m able to go off ‘em’#and they go ‘oh alright :) you still look good btw don’t worry’#and i just. i HATE how people talk about it!! like jfc. it’s so clear that they think it’s like kinda sad#my dad said he thinks it’s cute and he’s the only one i actually think is telling the truth there#my mom and i agree that it doesn’t matter. but even then she tries to tell me not to panic#like a little extra squish in my face is something to panic over#it’s so clear that so many people see it as another thing to pity#oh poor thing. has that chronic illness for the rest of her life. and the steroids made her jaw look rounder :(#like jfc i knew fatphobia was prevalent but come the fuck on. literally i’m like barely retaining water for steroids too#like. i’m still very much skinny (i JUST finished being malnourished ffs) but bc i’m retaining water in my face#now ppl feel the need to comfort me. over this tiny cosmetic thing that does not matter#like. i wouldn’t feel weird abt it if it weren’t for everyone else making it such a THING. why is everyone so weird about it#i’m not insecure about it but when ppl try to comfort me or go ‘it’s not that bad’ it makes me feel like i’m SUPPOSED to be insecure abt it#and it drives me NUTS. bc there are things about being on steroids that i would love to be comforted about#but the water retention is not one of them. i couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the water retention#y’know what i’d like to be comforted over? the mood swings. the irritability. the insomnia. the appetite fluctuation#the slow healing of skin. thinning and dryness in the skin. having to take like 3 other medications alongside the steroid#bc taking the steroid causes side effects that need to be medically treated or prevented#even outside of the steroid! i’d like some comfort about having to build back my stamina from scratch#i’d like some comfort about having the worst balance i’ve had in years#there’s. more to this. but i’m out of tags. maybe i’ll make some replies idk. i’m just. UGH
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one of my best friends is about to have a baby today........... so weird to be on the periphery of something so life changing. I want to go "life is going to change forever" as if it hasn't already
#I was thinking last night about how different we both are from the versions of us that were being young and active and busy and fit in pgh#before the pandemic and before her very targeted focused dating efforts yielded her the result she wanted (her now-husband)#[also I don't say that cattily lol she had the most coolheaded and down-to-business approach to dating bc she knew what she wanted.#and it worked!]#anyways I think back on that halcyon year of 2019 when we went to spin classes and spent every weekend doing something#or hanging out in her tiny mt. washington studio where we could watch downtown buzz at night#truly it was such a short period of time in retrospect. she convinced me to move here + then a year and a half later the whole world changed#and so too did we#I miss the her of those years (and I miss the me) but I'm making peace with not getting her back. it's cool to see her on this new journey#which she has worked so very hard for. like I cannot overstate the methodical and intentional way in which she has shaped her life to be#what she wants out of it. accounting for many bumps along the way that she's weathered admirably.#anyways within the next 48 hours she should be a mom. that's crazy#I feel weird when everyone around me is making lifechanging moves while I'm ''ho hum where should I go on vacation in the next 2 years'' lol#ay yai yai. strange to not want things other people want and being fine with that until you start losing touchpoints with your peers#then you're like. hang on now. what am I supposed to be doing right now
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also this thing is my twin sister now^
#the sily#when the first inside out came out i was obsessed with it and my fav was sadness my mom got me a figure of her for christmas one year and i#was my favorite gift that year i kept it behind the table where i had my computer djfbdjbfjdj#but now we're on to the next one..........and you just KNOW that id adore a tiny sparkly-eyed ENVY girl like come on shes perfect#come on.you know me and my cute little embodiments of jealousy#what was i supposed to do.NOT immediately scoop her up and say youre my twin now we're getting soft tacos later#bc theres no way i wouldnt
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#tw vent i guess??#came here just to post smth that i'm most probably gonna delete later then leave#but aughhhh last week has been SO bad i really really needed to get it off my chest#had the final boss of a sick victorian child episode for like two weeks AND tons of college stuff to do-#-AND a test on a subject that i'm horrible at (and that i'm gonna fail fs)#AND i was supposed to get a septum which is something that i'd been looking forward to for literal YEARS#but upon telling my parents about it (cause they're kinda strict and ig they would like to know) i changed my mind#cause my mom took it SO personally.... like it was HER face not mine?🤨 but hey!#and although i had the decency to at the very least let her know that i was getting a piercing (which wasn't necessary for me to do but-#-i did it anyway out of consideration for her)#she has the fucking SPINE to tell me how i could do whatever the fuck i wanted if i cared more about getting it than about her opinion-#-but she would always think it was disgusting and that i had no right to get angry at her if she didn't look me in the face or#wanted to walk or be with me cause it'd make her embarrassed to be with me in public if i had that shit on my face.#and it hurts a lot not just bc of the fuckass piercing. but bc my parents (esp my mom) always react like this whenever i make a little-#-change on my appearanceor cut my hair or buy oversized clothes or whateverand like#if she's gonna be soooo hurt when i get a tiny piece of metal on my face. how is she gonna react when i tell her i want to get tattoos.#start taking hormones. change my name. get top and bottom surgery. be completely changed physically.#is she gonna die is the world gonna end. is she just going to stop talking to me forever.#because a piercing is not just a decoration. to me right now it's an extension of the changes i want to undergo on my body.#it's a step forward to looking the way i want too look#so a rejection to any change i do on my body feels like an indirect rejection to be being trans. and the fact that they're unaware of#just how deep their rejection cuts (bc i'm not out) makes me even angrier at them.#and upon the realization that if i ever came out to my mom (and the rest of my family too tbh) she would react *exactly* like this.#well. i did not take that very well.#wasn't very demure of her to say all that. not very mindful not very cutesy :/#also been sh-ing more bc if this and ughhh what a shit week. hope this one's better#also. i decided i'm still gonna get a septum this year. don't know when but fuck all that. it's gonna bother them all the same#no matter what time of the year i get it done. or if i do it in a year or two or five. so who gives a shit.#anyway. gonna delete later probably#📎
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it's definitely extremely funny that after i start writing a smut For Real (not clickbait) i proceed to receive. a fucking nosebleed. like this is anime.
#it's definitely Something that it also happened like. after i seem to have lost interest in writing it#BUT ALSO THE NOSEBLEED JUST LIKE. FUCKING HAPPENED???#LIKE I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP (had been for like an HOUR) AND THEN SUDDENLY. I FEEL THIS RUSH OF LIQUID OUT MY NOSE????#and i'm like 'oh it's like when i'm ill and have a runny nose.' but i also wasn't sentient enough to think 'but i'm not sick???'#however i WAS sentient enough to think 'what if it's a nosebleed? let's taste it' AS IF I HAD A NOSEBLEED IN THE LAST DECADE#and then i was like 'hmm well it's kinda thick and metally. let's turn on the light just in case.' AND WHABAM.... BLOOD ON MY HANDS#okay well that's a lie i also smeared some on my fingers n squinted at it in the dark n was like 'that's awful dark. it might be blood'#and THEN i turned on the light and saw all the blood. my sheets have tinie bloodstain on them now. and also my stuffed unicorn :c#and then it just like. wouldn't stop. but it has stopped now! huzzah#i almost went to the bathroom to get a wad of toilet paper but then i remember i still keep a box of tissues by my bedside#from my plague days when i Definitely Fucking Needed Those Things All The Live Long Day#(oh right i got vaccinated yesterday <33 well i guess two days ago now. we love inoculation!!! i'm doing my part :D)#anyway i'm now chillin in bed with the lights on and my head tilted back bc i'm worried#that if i just try to go back to sleep then my nose will just start gushing blood again#anyway i also went and got a glass of water. that's supposed to help right? right#anyway (2) we'll see what happens to that smut. i Need to be better than my archnemesis at this#tho considering she writes like Peak any two guys shit these days i imagine it would not be that hard!#花話
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Happy Birthday Mizuha!!! 4/6
(I’m a little late to the party sorry 💔)
#Mizuha#my art#fumetsu no anata e#to your eternity#to you the immortal#this is my first time drawing her face is it obvious lol#the Fnae eyes are so fun to draw and color in but especially the descendants bc I have to layer like 3 colors to get it juuuuust right#not that it translates super well when I take a picture on my phone so sorry for the quality but#I’m trying to prioritize having fun with art and boy did I have a lot of fun with this one#this honestly took a little while bc all I had was volume 14#and I can’t even lie something about the way she behaves in that one made me feel a little sick so I couldn’t look at her for too long#not to mention there weren’t that many great shots I could use as reference so#I had to wait til I could swap for volume 13 and 15 with my boyfriend#worth the wait tbh she was VERY fun#anyway I’m just rambling at this point but I really liked this one little outfit she was wearing with the big collar#I think they’re called Peter Pan Collars or something like that not sure#and then the teeny tiny cardigan that she fit underneath it like how cute Mizuha. this is a fit she wanted to meet Hanna in lol#can’t wait to see this one in color tho cuz I just guessed on the dress#also ik the caption is referencing how she’s good at everything but this is supposed to be her like#a year after her disastrous birthday in the manga lol#ok I’m definitely rambling now byeeeeeeeeee!!!!
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The way "you are kenough" still praises men for the bare minimum
#putting it down know but elaborating when I wake up#but the way the Ken song is about him expecting more even tho he has nothing to offer#And the end of the movie was like. it’s ok if u have nothing to offer we love u anyways#and not even that. he had nothing to offer EXCEPT misogyny#that Barbie had to fix#and he was still given a reward by not getting KILLED#dramatic but it’s getting my point across#Barbie was pathetic bc it was literally white women keeping the status quo as is#like it was surface level but looking at the material results of everything#barbie chooses to go into a patriarchal world where she gets to be real ok cute#the other Barbie’s stick to Lalaland cute cute sure#kens get a tiny bit more rights than they used to have despite. literally everything they did#like it’s reminiscent of real life where barbie has this great epiphany and realizes who she is outside of not only the patriarchy but even#the societal level of barbieland but like. irl nothing happens#which is interesting bc barbieland is a worlds reversed thing#and smth about capitalist company joking about the kens going to far with wanting a vote when the kens are the equivalent of womans rights#and obviously not a 1:1 ratio but like. crazy. idc about misandry but like in this universe the ‘misandry’ is supposed to be a mirror for#usual sexism and the end result of that was soooo weird#it’s giving mens empathy/lonliness epidemic yknow#and crazier is that it’s a very white feminist movie anyways like they copy paste woc but those voices are very much not present#like the equivalent of Ken ending is bimbo feminism#and again. before y’all get mad bc some of u can’t read this isn’t a 1:1 ratio but like. idk it’s weird to me#and again. for reasons stated up above im not saying misandry is real I’m saying the takeaway was weird#bc the takeaway still benefits men. ok girls broke up with boyfriends bc they saw their boyfriends being misogynistic about this movie#sure whatever. how many of y’all broke up with ur boyfriends for relating to Ken and calling themselves kenough?#this is articulated badly but these base thoughts up for refinement tomorrow#or whenever I feel like it#or never#or if someone asks I love answering questions 😍#or again. never
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got COCKBLOCKED in my own HOUSE (both literally and figuratively 🤔)
#f.txt#the house is my dreams. but the dream was in my house#ANYWAYS I HAD A DREAM. WHERE I WAS GONNA FUCK ANAKIN. BUT I DIDN'T BC DGSKDHSJHD#MY MOM CAME INTO THE ROOM 😭😭😭#so it started with anakin and me in a room. anakin was on a desk with his back to me working on some stuff on a computer#he was wearing s shiny tight leather jacket and jeans. and FUCK did he look delicious. just incredible#so i go to him and i like lift up his jacket from behind and start grabbing his waist.#and then i grab his crotch and start rubbing it (he had a tiny dick <3) (AND I STILL REMEMBER THE FEELING OF IT 😭😭😭😭)#at first he doesn’t want to and he kinda resists. but we all know im into that shit.#but then actually he does get into it and wants to. so i take him and push him into the bed#OK DGDJHF actually there was someone else who wanted to fuck him too in the room with us#idk who it was and for some reason all i remember is that it was spiderman (but i go like BITHC IM gonna fuck him)#(actually i think we agreed to both do it or smth idk) so then there's like some dick grabbing action going on#and then. my mom comes in.#and I'm like. girl. why. why would u do this to me. how could u fucking do this to me. do u not see me having THE moment of my life.#so she uhh sees us. and she's like uhhhh. and we make like if we weren't doing anything ahaaa whaat nothing weird going on here.#so in a desperate attempt to continue i grab anakin's hand and take him to the other room. where apparently there's my brother.#and i want to cry. bc CANT A GIRL HAVE HER PRIVACY PLS (like i get it irl but NOT EVEN IN NY DREAMS 😭😭)#anyways so instead we just like. lay in bed. im between his legs bc no one's gonna fucking get me out of ther now lmao#and we start playing clapping games. bc what else are we supposed to do. and my mom COMES IN HERE too#to u know check up on what we're doing. and the position is uhh not innocent but we're like hey we're just playing.#so she leaves. and then we get up and run in circles lmao.#but anyways yeah that was the end of the anakin fucking 😭😭😭#then it was hours of me having to listen to my mom and aunt talking about life hardships or smth#OH BUT THE END. i had another lil dream about exo/specifically kai. SPECIFICALLY about his thighs.#like there was a comeback or smth but his thighs were incredible. and then there's like a dance scene but he's mini tiny shorts#and when he moves u can See Things 😳👀#anyway that is the story. no anakin fucking for me 😭😭😭😭😭😭#i feel like this dream is so. representation of my Life. like yeah. this is literally my life.
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Yeah sure growing up abused may have left me with permanent scars on my psychological state that I'm still working to unpack, but on the bright side it gave me the ability to give a thoughtful in depth analysis of Roald Dahl's Matilda and all of its adaptations
#rambling#i love matilda so much. its such an important story to me. its literally just an abused childs power fantasy#where she gets to get back at the people who hurt her and protect other kids and then get a new loving family and everything is alright#my gf and i just watched the movie adaptation of the musical and we have Opinions on it. some good and some bad#so weve been discussing it and analyzing different parts of it#and its kinda nice to get to use my history for something good#to be able to give thoughtful analysis on how the changes they made in this adaptation have changed the allegory for abuse in the story#from the perspective of someone who grew up with that#and to just. have that be normal. my gf knows my history and its not gonna stop the conversation if i say#'this change works well for trunchbull's character bc it makes her seem more like a real life abuser'#'this detail is very subtle but it really captures some tiny part of the experience of growing up with an abuser'#'i dont like this bc it detracts from the narrative of the main character feeling alone and makes it less relatable to abused kids'#'i dont like this because while it IS something that happens under abuse it detracts from the fantasy where the kids all win together'#idk. of course everything that happened to me as a kid was awful and should not have happened but like#for a long time i had this problem where i didnt know how i was ever supposed to be okay about that#like no matter how much therapy i go through it will never UN-happen. it will always still have happened and it will always have been awful#and i couldnt figure out how i was supposed to recover from that besides 'bury it and try your hardest to never ever think about it'#and. i think maybe this is it. yes the abuse i went through was awful. thats kind of the whole thing about abuse#but. its also just a fact of my life. im better NOW. but that will not change what happened then#the abuse was awful. but the fact that i am an abuse survivor is a neutral fact. the same as any other fact from my childhood#its just a fact. a part of my past. and maybe being able to talk about it that way is... good for me#i dont have to break down when i think about it bc im okay now. my partner doesnt need to stop me and express sorrow for me bc im okay now#i can talk about my past in a neutral way and use my life experience to analyze movies#the same way that i used my experience of growing up in arkansas to analyze hollywood hillbillies when we watched it together#theyre both just two facts of my life. and analyzing movies is fun#that woman has no power over me anymore and hasnt for many many years. im okay now#abuse mention#child abuse mention#request to tag
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another shit fucking day but in the most casual way possible bc all i did was sulk study cry study sulk and finally, sulk in the shower. chai next and then bed . fuck my stupid baka life forrealsies
#i almost had an argument w my mother over nothing at one point bc i was so anxious about nothing and everything at once and well#i keep thinking. idk what im doing anything for anymore#like when we were arguing i was like wait what if she brings up how shes giving me a ride to uni multiple times this week#and then i was like wait if she says that. I'll just tell her not to. and then ill skip class. and then ill drop my classes and get a refund#and then ill drop out of uni. and then ill kill myself!#mind you i was thinking about all of this and the argument didnt even go in that direction in the end bc it was over very quickly#ljke. what ks wrong with me#i keep thinking that if my parents get pissed at me for being good for nothing despite me trying my hardest not to be#i really will end it all finally like Actually#bc i dont understand anymore. why are they paying for my stupid medication and tuition#theyre too nice to me#i know they expect me to send them money in their ideal imagined scenario in which i get a good job after getting a masters degree#and i know they expect that I'll take care of them when theyre old bc in their ideal. imagined. scenario. i 1) dont off myself in the next#few years 2) am not a lesbian who ruins the whole family dynamic by coming out and 3) get a well paying job and a husband#so. so yeah#but right NOW theyre nice to me and they take care of me but also i think everything is pointless but i try anyway because they take care#of me and they want me to be well but how am i supposed to be Get Well if i don't believe in myself#like i dont think thats possible really.#maybe a tiny bit? like maybe i won't be Well but i can be better. yeah i can do that#so i guess thats why im still trying#but then it's like. being Better is so. marginally different from being at rock bottom in a way#like yeah its significant improvement clinically but to me it's still casually miserable in its own unique way bc it's better but its still#very much present lingering choking me etc#so that brings me to the following:#im trying so hard but for what exactly? 'just keep going!' but at what cost? but why when im still like this?#z.post
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vent iii.
#yeah i could just make a 'read more' post but tags are better for me#more hiding#anyway#i have this problem where my sister is probably moving out next year but she can't rly do that without me bc her dog has issues#and i would have to take him out and feed all the animals while she's at work during the day bc nobody else can#but even with that being taken into account she would still charge me over double what i'm paying now for rent and i cannot afford that#and she says i'd have to get a job too but excuse me how am i supposed to work when i also have to be home to look after your animals??#barn job would be nice bc short hours but it also wouldn't be enough to pay what she'd charge me#so i'm screwed there#anyway i WISH i could make enough money to live on my own but i CAN'T#ik i probably sound very lazy and spoiled and i get that i am definitely priviliged to get to live at home for cheap rent#but it also fucks with my mental health so bad living here. and i want to live on my own but it's just not an option rn#i have dreams and they're such basic sad dreams that i still don't think i'll ever accomplish#like i want to live in my own small travel trailer. that's all. my own space. or a tiny falling apart cabin that i can fix up#that's all i want and it seems impossible for me#i'm not built to live in this world. my body and mind cannot take it. i have tried. i've tried so hard#honestly if i had to work full time again i don't think i'd actually be able to stay alive to benefit from it. it would burn me out too bad#there's no win for me#i'm still trying to figure something out but i'm honestly not hopefull at all
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bruno to his skorupi swarm when dusk moves in after he got her pregnant
#he had initially told them all to avoid her in the area bc he thought she was gonna attack them#and then they got together and he relaxed the order but discouraged them from meeting bc he wasnt supposed to mate w anyone else#outside of the swarm and he didnt want them to get suspicious#so imagine being a tiny scorpion who follows the scorpion centaur who u consider urboss and leader#and he warns u about an enemy scorpion who can fly who will attack you#and months passs and nothing happens and then he calls u all up like#''hey funny story. that scorpion is my baby mama now. pls be nice to her''#echoed voice
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I know it's useless to get mad at the dog, she's just a hyperactive little thing who doesn't know how to behave yet. She's left home alone for at least 6 hours every day and she's bored, I can't blame her for tearing apart her training pads or shitting all over the place. Even if I did, she must have done it hours ago, dogs don't get that actions that happened so long ago have consequences and all me yelling at her will result in is her being scared of me. I know all that, I do
So WHY am I still so angry at her?? Why does it feel satisfying to lash out and see her scurry away??? She doesn't deserve to be treated like that, she doesn't know any better. And I don't know how to teach her to know better, I don't have the patience for it. She deserves better than me
#I just feel so.. impossibly helpless#here's this tiny creature that depends on me for eveything. that I asked for. that I wanted. and I can't even take care of her properly#I struggle cleaning up after myself. let alone a dog. and I really hate having to handle her shit#I know it's a matter of time. a matter of training#eventually I'll be able to take her on walks and all this won't be an issue anymore#but it is now and I cannot control how much it's pissing me off#if I wasn't alone it would be easier. but I am. so everything falls on me#I'm trying my best and it's just not enough#and my mom will be mad at me because I didn't walk her today even though I promised I would bc it's the last warm day we're supposed to have#but what am I supposed to do if she won't let me take her outside?? she's okay with her harness but the leash scares her#she just stands there hunched over and refuses to move. and cries#I can't force her. I don't want walks to be something she's scared of#but mom is annoyed that getting her used to being leashed takes so long. she insists that forcing her outside is the best course of action#and I can't even tell if she's right or not. I just want my honeybun to be happy and not scared#I feel like crying. I've been barely holding back for the last hour#it's just so so much#it'll pass and settle. I know it will. but I'm just exhausted#now I'll have to admit to everyone that I wasn't able to walk her again...#and that I don't know what to do with her#I don't regret asking for her. I really don't. I've wanted a dog for years#but maybe the timing of exam year + beginning of the colder months wasn't the greatest#and I started my period the day she arrived. so that.. just adds to the emotional instability#I'll get over it. I'll handle everything in time. I just.. wish I had someone to support me#or at least someone who wouldn't tell me 'well what did you expect? owning a dog is hard work. you can't just play all the time.#maybe you should have thought about that responsibility more' I KNOW. I HAVE. I JUST.. have my moments of frustration#that I wish I could express without everyone. including my own mind. telling me I'm a terrible pet owner#that's all#I adore my dog and I would never hurt her or subject her to any harm#but I'm also human and very mentally ill at that. I'm not perfect but I'm not bad. and she deserves better than that#but we're stuck with each other now. I could never give her up. I'm attached already. so... we'll make it work. one way or another. I swear
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help i'm downloading pdfs again
#i miss studying sm and there's a rly interesting fellowship position at a museum i like#but i have such a teeny tiny chance to even get invited for an interview bc u have to send in things u published and like ??? i got 0 sorre#and this isn't exactly my expertise either and i also need 2 ppl to send a letter of recommendation which is like ???#impossible to get now that i no longer study and i'm also too shy to send a message to an old lecturer#but i rly should do it bc she was so nice always and her expertise is kinda this subject#the other person i can send a message abt this is the man i did my internship at who's rly nice#i think i will message him anyways to help me along w this research#evne if i don't get take for that fellowship it's interesting to dive into the topic i suppose#just for the sake of getting some studying done
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