#genuinely remind me if they have pulled a full on bait and switch before.

[cesium-sheep]

I will say, there is nothing else in the hlvrai tag on wayne's blog other than actual hlvrai stuff or unambiguously transparently gnome stuff, although he may have gone through post switch to remove tags on others and I wouldn't know. and while they love bits and shenanigans, I don't think I've seen them pull an outright bait and switch in the years I've been watching even on april fools. like I actually recall him being fairly explicit that the gnome was not the sequel from the beginning? and either way, I love dumb gmod shit and I generally trust their improv to not turn out hateful.

on the other hand, while I can understand why one might want to from like a creative perspective or whatever since I'm sure they all get pressured about it all the time and it may seem like a way out of that pressure, it is still mean-spirited to hype everyone up on something you know they want just to go "haha I can't believe you losers believed me when I explicitly said I'd give you the thing you want" yknow? like a complete bait and switch is very different than the chuck e cheese ending to me, since the chuck e cheese ending only seemed to deflate completely unfounded expectations of it being tonally serious right through the end but a bait and switch is deliberately setting up expectations to disappoint. which is why I fucking hate april fools from head to toe. so if this really is a complete bait and switch I am still gonna feel disappointed by it and that is not unreasonable, although ofc it would be unreasonable to take it out on the creators even if it was genuine mean-spiritedness vs maybe not quite thinking it through.

ideally I'd like to be able to trust the creators I watch to not, yknow, mock me. and as a queer cripple there's kinda not a ton of those available to start with.

edit: I thought of a good way to put it. by still giving us a bit of what we were promised, our trust was rewarded, instead of punished. april fools style bait and switches just punish trust and that sucks. (my trust has already been punished way more than enough thanks.)

[namjoonxorg]

𝑷𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒚 𝑭𝒂𝒗𝒐𝒓 ･❪ ❁ ❫ ･ 𝑷𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝑾𝒂𝒍𝒐 - 𝑷𝒂𝒔𝒕 𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝑩𝒆𝒅𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆

“We always believe our first love is our last, and our last love our first.” – George W. Melville

You were doing it again.

It had been a solid week since that incident in the coffee shop with Jimin and Hobi -were you still allowed to call him that?- and you’ve caught yourself wandering back to his almost forgotten contact more times than you care to admit. You never did anything, just sat there, staring at his information, and wondering where the hell it had all went wrong.  

Truth be told, Hobi, undoubtedly, was your best friend. You remember the days from high school when you called him the second you got home. You’d talk for hours, leaving your homework entirely unfinished and untouched, but still return the next day with bunches more to say. You remember back when you didn’t even need to pull up his contact, you knew it by heart so just saved time by putting it into the keypad before dialing. You remember the time you had to coax him into doing the blood drive at your school and had to write down his information for him because he was too nervous about the needles to think about what the hell his address was.

You also remember the days you applied to colleges. Hobi immediately applied for the best dance school in the country, while you on the other hand, having no artistic bone in your body, opted for something stable, not too far from home yet still far enough. You really only cared for the simple things and so you were pretty happy to find that you had been accepted. Unfortunately for Hobi, he found out the hard way that those big school don’t exactly give scholarships to freshmen. You remember spending the night at his house that day, using every second of your time reminding how stupid they were to not consider him.

He eventually found a college, he left it unnamed because he was still pretty bummed about the dance school, but you never would have guessed that the art school you transferred to last year was the one he’d told you about. Still, back when he told you it was farther away than you’d hoped, you made a pinky promise to always be best friends. You wouldn’t let yourselves become one of those cliches. And for a while, you believed it. How much good that promise did.

Needles to say, you don’t really do pinky promises anymore.

Presently, you sigh and allow your head to loll over on your pillow.

It was almost two in the morning and you hadn’t been able to get any sleep. Your head, for the thousandth time, was filled with thoughts and memories you’d rather keep tucked away. Seeing Hobi had really fucked up your headspace and you’d been bombarded with ways you could have done things differently, things you could have said before it was too late or simply what would have happened if things had gone better a few days ago.

You shifted again, trying to find a position comfortable enough to allow you sleep, but sadly, it seemed as if it just weren't coming. So, you leaned over to reach your phone and, with high hopes and zero expectations, you sent a text.

You: you up?

You waited with baited breath, hoping that all those times of bonding over your shit sleeping schedules would ring true.

Yoongi: is that even a question?

You exhaled in relief, thanking every god you knew that someone’s insomnia is just as bad as yours.

You: you up for coffee? at the 24/7 place from last time?

Yoongi: pls, im already on my way

Yoongi: need me to pick you up again?

You: no thanks. soomin had a fit last time and im not dealing with that again.

You: i’ll just walk. i’ll be fine dw

You smiled, grateful not for the first time, that you managed to meet Yoongi. So, with lighter steps and with messier hair, you climbed out of your bed and slipped on some shoes before heading out the door. Thankfully the coffee shop was very close to your dorm so you only needed to walk for a short time, but you made sure to keep your pepper spray in hand.

You were opening the door to the coffee shop in no time, the familiar chime of the bell putting a smile on your face. However, it soon turned into a frown of confusion when you spotted another head of hair sitting next to Yoongi’s striking minty green.  

As you got closer to their chosen table -near the back, obviously- you immediately recognized the other person as your dweeb of a friend.

“Jungkook, isn’t it past your bedtime?” You teased as you sat down, having already placed your order.

Yoongi laughed, more genuine than most would expect at such an ungodly hour. “That’s exactly what I said.”

The younger scowled, his nose scrunching up in that way it does and you can’t take him seriously. “Shut up, guys.” He scoffs but doesn’t say anything until you come back with your drink. “I’m twenty-one, when will you stop treating me like a child?”

“When you stop acting like one,” Yoongi quips and Jungkook goes to argue, but Yoongi shakes his head, holding up a finger to silence him. “Go ahead and tell her what you were doing when you heard me leaving and decided to tag along.”

Jungkook seems to shrink back, slouching into the booth you sit in and you arch your eyebrow, curious.

“... playing Overwatch.”

You and Yoongi burst out into laughter at this, earning you glares from not only Jungkook but the poor baristas working the night shift. You didn’t stop though, your laughter ringing out and seeming to bounce off the walls in the total emptiness of the cafe. Soon enough, Jungkook wasn’t able to remain pouting and he joined you, laughing at himself with ease. You loved that about your friend, the way he was able to let loose and take jokes.

“My point exactly,” Yoongi replies quietly when your laughter comes to a close. The baristas are still glaring at the three of you, but none of you seem to mind too much.

“Hey, that’s not fair,” Jungkook whines, pouting like the child he is. “Jin hyung is obsessed with Mario Kart but no one says anything about that!”

“To his face,” Yoongi drawls with a lazy point of his finger and you fail to hide your snicker behind your hand. “Jin hyung is a child in a man’s body, but at least he knows when to go to sleep.”

You sit silently, sipping carefully on your coffee and watch as Jungkook and Yoongi continue to go at it with an amused smirk on your face.

Jungkook stomps his feet, not doing much to prove his point. “Okay, but what about Namjoon hyung and his stupid Ryan plushies?”

“We let those slide because his IQ makes up for that small ounce of childishness.”

“What about Jimin hyung and-”

“Jungkook you know that no matter what you say, you’re not going to win this argument, right?”

The brunette slouches and crosses his arms, but doesn’t reply back. More than likely because he knows Yoongi is right.

He looks over to you, as if for defense, but finds you hiding your smile behind your cup. He tilts his head, in that way he does when he’s planning something devious, and smirks at you with a lift of a brow.

“Speaking of Jimin hyung,” He starts, leaning across the table to grin at you smugly. “I wonder what he would say about Y/N being out right now with two of his best friends.”

Yoongi frowns for a second before realization dawns on him. Then, like the flick of a switch, he turns to you with an expression that matches Jungkook’s perfectly. “Yeah, I’m wondering that, too.”

That traitor.

You huff, but decide not to buy into their game. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You shug, feigning indifference.

“That’s okay, it’s not like you like him or anything,” Yoongi states, taking a slow sip of his drink while sharing a look with Jungkook.

The latter nods, leaning back and draping his arm along the side of the booth. “Yeah, but I guess that’s a good thing. He’s probably out with some girls right now, anyway.”

“What?!” You ask, doing your best to keep your voice down but ultimately failing.

This time it's Yoongi and Jungkook who burst out into laughter as you wait for them to settle down so they can clarify things for you.

“So I guess that proves it, then,” Yoongi laughs and empties his cup.

“Proves what?”

“That you like Jimin hyung,” Jungkook sing-songed, teasing you lightheartedly.

You groaned, feeling like they set this up. “It's not as if it was a secret, anyway.”

“Its okay, Y/N. Hyung and I were just messing with you.” He smiled, one of those impish ‘i know something you don’t’ smiles. “He probably likes you, too.”

With a stifled laugh you throw the straw from your drink across the table at him, provoking laughs from Yoongi for the third time since you got here.

In the end, you left with two very unhappy baristas and full invention of skipping your morning class.

Previous || Next Masterlist || Beginning || Coauthor

[hoodlessmads]

I’m Caught Up With Bloom Into You

Gosh, where do I even begin with this series?

I watched the first episode, and by the end, honestly, I thought it was going to be pretty dumb. Cute! But dumb. And I do love me some dumb cute precious romance.

But W O W that’s not what Yagakimi is. It successfully pulls of an excellent bait-and-switch on the reader/viewer not just once but twice--the first is at the end of the first episode (the part where I assumed it was going to be kind of cheesy and dumb), and the second around halfway through the anime series. The first one is basically the premise of the story, so it doesn’t really count as a bait-and-switch unless you go in blind like I did. But the second one takes all of the reader/viewer’s expectations up to that point and turns it on its head. And even beyond that scene, the entire series is chock full of moments that demolish your expectations for what direction the story is taking and who the characters are. Every single chapter I felt like I was being thrown for a loop, and learning something unexpected and new about the characters. Even up to the most recent damn chapter I feel like I have no idea what Nakatani-sensei is going to throw at us. And all of this is me making a point that this manga is DEEP.

I could talk at length about how gorgeous the anime is, how well-directed certain scenes are, how incredible the Japanese voice acting was (didn’t see the dub, but if anyone can carry Touko’s emotional range it’s the fabulous Luci Christian so I’m sure it’s decent), or how much I stan Michiru Ooshima. It was a great adaptation and I sincerely can’t wait for Season 2. But I’m not going to talk much about that. Instead I just need to talk about the story (the manga).

(spoilers up through Chapter 39)

You know what one of the many great things about Yagakimi is? In spite of the fact that it deals with same-gender relationships and queer issues, and while it does periodically address those issues, they’re actually not the primary focus of the characters or their struggles. From day one, Yuu is much less concerned about Touko being a girl than she is about her own inability to feel anything towards her (supposedly). And that’s not to say that those issues are ignored, like they are in some anime of this particular genre. The characters don’t live in a paradisiacal vacuum where being gay in Japan isn’t a problem and everyone around them is magically super accepting. Yuu’s sister is incredibly sweet and accepting (I love her), but her dad makes casual homophobic comments. Even after Touko initially confesses to Yuu, Yuu brushes it off as something she “probably doesn’t have to worry about” because they’re both girls, and it’s weird. Riko Hakazaki has to hide from her students, coworkers, and workplace, that she’s living with her girlfriend, because it could cause legitimate problems for her if they knew. During Sayaka’s first lesbian relationship, when she is still figuring herself out, her own girlfriend tells her that it’s “just a phase” and that she’s sorry that she “made her” that way. Even much later, when Yuu is conflicted about how she should confess her feelings to Touko, her sister Rei immediately assumes (understandably so) that she’s conflicted because of the whole gay thing. Rei starts worrying about how the family will react, if they will be accepting and supportive of her sister. Little does she know, being gay is the least of Yuu’s problems at that point.

But is being gay and the societal backlash that comes with it really that inconsequential to Yuu’s story? Yuu Koito struggles to develop romantic or sexual feelings for anyone. She exhibits clear signs of depression--intense apathy, emotional repression, struggles to find genuine joy in anything. A lot of people have posited even that she exhibits signs of sexual repression specifically. And this is one of the core conversations we can have about Yuu’s character. How much of her “inability to love” is because she is legitimately somewhere on the ace spectrum, perhaps demisexual (she develops feelings after getting to know someone, to put it simply)? And how much of it is her unconsciously repressing her own feelings (perhaps homosexual) for her entire life, resulting in a scenario where even she doesn’t know how to get them back? There isn’t a clear answer here. No one knows. Yuu doesn’t even know. And that’s the point!

The characters. Are so. Good. Yuu, Touko, and Sayaka are the obvious powerhouses here, all three of them multi-layered people that I can and will analyze at length. But Yagakimi doesn’t sleep on the minor characters either. Yuu and Touko don’t exist in a vacuum. From Yuu’s sister and her boyfriend to Maki, the juxtaposing aromantic and asexual friend and ally, to Yuu’s surprisingly likable best friends, to Hakozaki-sensei and her girlfriend Miyako, to even Dojima. Everyone matters. Everyone gets their own little storyline. I’m tempted to be reminded of Kimi ni Todoke and the brilliant way it handled its side characters here. Although Bloom Into You is much shorter than KnT, and therefore has a lot less time to develop those side characters and relationships, it still provides them with their own layers, their own problems, their own mini-spotlights. And it makes me care about every single one. Riko and Miyako’s cute ass and wholesome adult love story, Akari’s dumb doomed crush on basketball senpai, Koyomi’s dreams of becoming an author and her infatuation with a certain idol of hers, Maki’s experiences as a contented bystander. I adore and welcome it.

Let’s talk about Touko Nanami before this gets any longer than it needs to be. To be honest, I have a type when it comes to characters, and it’s the ones that are suicidal and hate themselves, probably because I relate to that stuff more than anything (though I also relate to Yuu’s apathetic brand of depression). This character. This character. One of the things I love most about her is how consistently the reader is lured into thinking they know her, and then consistently proven wrong. (I think we share this experience with Yuu.) It takes episodes, chapters, volumes to slowly chip away at the layers and layers of personality we’re given before we finally arrive at the truly heartbreaking core, which is a girl with a fractured identity and deep, deep self-loathing that defies all logic. And it’s because it defies all logic that it’s so scary. Because that kind of self-hatred doesn’t just go away. You can’t just fix it. It’s there to stay, and it’s not just your friendly neighborhood self-hatred--painful, but an otherwise harmless roommate. It’s actually dangerous, and it has the power to destroy Touko’s relationships with others and even destroy herself. (The scene in the anime where she stands in front of the railroad tracks and almost takes a step forward, thus nearly giving me a heart attack, comes to mind.) It defies logic, so there’s no logical way to beat it, either. And it’s not just the self-loathing that gets me and makes my heart hurt for her; it’s the loss of oneself, the lack of one’s identity as an individual. The loss of on’s own sense of self, especially at such a young and vulnerable age, is debilitating. Touko is really good at wearing that super serene smile, but when the chips are down, nothing is going to stand in the way of her and what essentially amounts to obliterating herself from existence. Not even Yuu. And then we come to her crippling fear of being loved by anyone, which is an aspect of self-hatred that probably doesn’t get enough acknowledgment. She hates herself to the point that the thought of someone loving her, which should make her happy, actually hurts. How fucked is that.

But I never gave Touko enough credit. To be honest, in chapter 34 when Yuu (finally) confesses, I was expecting her reaction to be really bad. Like, really bad. I was expecting a shitshow, a blowout of their relationship (temporarily of course). I was expecting basically what Yuu thinks that she got. And for that one page, I swear I felt my heart forcibly ripped from my chest. But then I read the next page and was surprised to see just how much she’s changed over the course of the series, how unexpectedly maturely she took the confession and examined her own feelings afterwards, how quickly (and once again, maturely) she deduced that she’d been making Yuu suffer. It makes me appreciate their relationship even more than I did before, and it makes me want to root for them. (Not that I wasn’t already.) The chapters just keep getting better and better from here on, I swear.

Sayaka deserves her own post, but the queen has her own novel series at least. Sayaka could SO EASILY have been that bitch. Nakatani could have created this rival love interest who treated Yuu like shit and was a possessive asshole and just stopped there. But instead, we got Sayaka, who ends up being one of the best and most well-developed characters. And in the many many times where I was calling Yuu and Touko “you dumb bitch,” Sayaka was there, the smartest and most honest of the three by far, which was refreshing. Her backstory is utterly heartbreaking, her love for Touko touching as hell, and her rise from the ashes, so to speak, is inspiring. Fuck that senpai. Sayaka isn���t even that mean to Yuu, on top of it all. I mean, she can be kind of snippy. And understandably so. But they actually end up surprisingly getting along? I am shook to my core. Sayaka’s growth is one of the greatest sights to behold in this series. Her friendship with Touko isn’t sidelined in favor of Touko’s relationship with Yuu--far from it. Sayaka provides her own unique support and sparks Touko’s development in a way that Yuu never could. Their friendship is crucial. By the time Sayaka FINALLY confesses, I was so god damn proud of her and her bravery, I swear I could have cried. While Yuu was busy being in practiced denial for 40 chapters, Sayaka was OUT THERE learning to be completely up front and honest with herself and others about her feelings. (Not to knock on Yuu, because she has her own arc to go through to get there.) That whole fucking scene where they’re both just sobbing about shit afterwards Got Me.

Ugh. It’s been an emotional few days. I’m really glad I decided to start watching that first episode, because this entire series has been a series of pleasant surprises. This is a good anime, ya’ll. It’s a good character study. It’s a good love story. It’s a good gay love story. It’s all of those things. You could literally talk forever about all the nuances of this story and characters and all the things that make it as good as it is. This long ass post just brushes the surface. For now, I’m anxiously (ANXIOUSLY) awaiting chapter 40. If you know, you know.

[hybrid-lion]

Lion Daydreams Journal

2-3-21 / 2-5-21

OR

Succulent witch jokes and DnD cheatcodes

Musing on perpetual journey and points of processing certain themes..

Four days prior exiting Hedgewitch Hollow (more on that later) from my abusor(s), at @ the hospital and other musings

 Curbside outside familiar building, looking something like a cross between between the rite aid/CVS in West Emoryville I saw in 2011 this one time and and outside heron pond plaza from tripjoy advantage in New Hampshire.

 Present was a Sedan with big extra Star Wars wrap all over it- specifically Rebel Alliance logo on hood.

 Don't fall for the nurse; they're always immensely humane and kind and working; not to be your fixation (I've gathered this for a while too, though as the derivative term goes, "What a Catch.."

  Anyway Fallout girl/nursing tech (With the magnificent taste in communication skills and tattooage whom was without a doubt better at putting up with my roundabout chittering than I even am (which states a bountiful amount of patience in her own rights and also that I need to work on alloying others more time to have the proverbial talking stick in dialogues), whom I had chatted with the day prior for a while regarding the matter of the vibrational level on this conscious and graceful hostess; (That's the planet we are graced with being able to provide for in turn), with with the rose and sun moon tatts, was present in this dream sequence, as short lived as the scene was. 

 Clearly taking a journey. Capable technical reasoner boi was there as well who cannot even understand where that's at at all definetly was also present in this one.

Clearly journey symbolism, as I was approaching the vehicle in question. 

2-5-21

 "WHY IS THERE BRINE IN THE ORANGE JUICE"

Walking around downtown burning time between returning from securing a temporary order/petition to court and grabbing dinner, I was between looking at the lines in leaves and patterns in the puddles near an underpass when it occured to me regarding my subjectiviteas this far:

   Almost anybody would be able to tell you that there's more than one way to skin a cat as well as probably one of the worst things you can do is box with an apex creature, specifically one that most dungeon Masters wod probably have on the back burner as a sort of endgame accomplishment that would either make or break the parties resolve to complete that leg of their long arduous campaign; or correctly enough the kind of boss fight that one would face in an old RPG that then unlocks a potential ally to the party whom would essentially have the capacity to either RUIN EVERYTHING, knock something off a really high shelf at the appropriate time, or just absolutely love you to death in the dirt merely depending on the way you decided to associate prior and subsequently accounted for).

   This I would assume so boldly is primarily due to the nature of such back burner endgame beings, as well as with all things considered that it is most likely cognitive of it's own journey as well to some extent and that it has retained all the EXP of both that, along with some of the experiences said party would have had by that point, again considering stuff and things.

--

I digress from the point- but we're getting there.

--

So 'boxing'; i.e. showboating or perhaps just putting up and making the most of the situation pertaining to that proverbial beastie the DMs sent around the way-- 

Noting that at that point to some fair extent isn't quite OP persay, but had maintained a good enough vantage for some time that it had or has more than enough capacity for adapting, recanting it's own skills based in experience as it do/what have you, as well as subsequently recognizing that somewhere along the way said party or perhaps their questgivers or guild leads decided to not entirely tell said prior and then the party at hand- what have you- 

  they would then be either in the same raid/map/party/team as it already, but still decided it would mostly likely do well to or behoove them to, and said prior backburner beastie to just go proverbially or metaphorically corner it; and subsequently snare or root or web or whatever their skillset would do; then dragged it off to have a dialogue with it about or pertaining to..

..something sort of akin to poking it awake with a slow burning brand, 

 But only after years of putting it on display without its consent or knowledge.

   This is probably one of the worst things you can do for either yourself or anybody else, regardless of the lens of which it exists in, without having prior and then post poking explaining it.

  Especially considering the nature of some endgame beasties and the capacity for critical analysis.

  If you had a support tank, that didn't know it was a support tank, and you left it out in the rain for like, ever, do you think a little K, Y Jelly and some WD40z to Freedom would constitute a thoroughly squeezed explanation of this scenario to that support tank?

 Depends on the tank and some stuff and things probably.

~~~

  All things considered…

I take it back the brine is fine but the synaptic firings of my brain giving me a first class ticket to Stockholm's I could do with more of for sure, but I'd rather just hang in the Catskillz and make art about 

===

This lens of comprehension on dealing with what to not allow to occur to a raid party would have been monumentally helpful for me subsequently years ago years ago.

   This would been subsequently helpful for me in decision-making, free will, yes, and choice-based processes of course as humans go.

   And if in when the case arose that I had to tell my younger self, "Hey don't put yourself on display or get worked up, but hang in and also read this book in full before walking out to the tarmac or at least in between flights to and from, don't act the fool for the sake of a fool, unless you need to act to fool forreal forreal. Just leave that shit in the sand, dig a foxhole for it if you have to, or bring it sooner maybe?

 

 

  Don't let other people harsh thine proverbial mellow and as it would only fuel their trashcan fire of excusable accounts as to why they allotted a random roaming low level beastie to accumulate that much of an exp grind crunching on bones and jellies and some mimics that don't even, without alluding thoroughly so that they wouldn't act a fool at the loss or sacrifice of someone else's journey as well as their own. 

 At that point, you should have just pulled the support tank aside and been like-

*Mumbles*  

 listen, "you are our favorite dumb dumb juice supersoaker palindrone cat, just saiyan"...

we just want/wanted to sap and then sac your last floating stackable 💕 for the raid that pulled it along on a chain that long for display and experience just to see how it would go like, IDK it'll work out either way but like we could probably use a dumpster fire and we hear you're full of shit, but also the ship is intact and just needs a happy tree friend sometimes so like, knowing the support tank is going to anyway because of its back story… 

~^•=•^

Uhm.

 *TAKES DEEP BREATH*

~=^•Î||I•^=~. •°•°{"UNACCEPTABLE CONDITIONS" 

*TAKES DEEP BREATH*

~^•=•^~

 "we deserve better and also some stuff you left in my backpack over here oh wait what's that accounted for oh okay here a random distracting smoke grenade quick make your escape.*

 🍊  🍃

---

In retrospect-- this would have been monumentally helpful years ago, as would have keeping the deck of playing cards I received years ago with me, my towel, journal and probably better time management skills and also understanding the concepts of the journey of oneself as both the lessons of our priors on the road and with us as we continue.

  I will continue to explain why this could have to explain this to myself in dreaded prose. 

Preferably after I come to terms with the huntresses and chieftainesses and the shield maidens who keep attempting to bait and no scope my ass when they can't even decide if they want to be a volva a shield maiden again or a valkyrie or a witch of the wild blue yonder or all like 20 at the same time; but are getting fond of kiting me around with salt rounds and rubber bullets and genuine uncondition positive regard despite both of our sanity and interests even though it ain't nobody's goddamn business how baby treat me.

 Anyway if you see a random roving ** monster on the map assume it has your best interest at heart or if it's in your teahouse just do yew fam, most likely it's just stopping in for coffee or orange juice or the finest proverbial trashcan fires to warm up aside this side of the milky way.

 Also try not to forget to set a reminder to wake up at an appropriate time, and don't forget to to carry on and through and keep up with your affirmations and random google searches for sigils you have no understanding of and show love to all your complex houseplants and rock's needs balanced with your own.

 Also don't worry about eating carbs late at night before bed. We can burn them off when we're running through each other's minds. 

More in all that later though in detail.

 

*Switches to sleepytime mode, proceeds to cleans whiskers and thanks you for coming to it's shed talk.* 

[alexsunmners]

5 times we were never alone and the one time we were + Alex ❤️

Alex Summers + this prompt list

A/N: Karley my love I’m so sorry. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. @mvximoff @rax-writes wanna suffer too? anyway this is angst for days so enjoy y’all and also can anyone tell me what my damage is when it comes to water based metaphors bc idk wtf is going on there

inspired by (or something) neptune by sleeping at last

It was supposed to be just the two of you. It’s not, but itwas supposed to be. You smile tightly at Alex across the room, across the sofathat is now too full of your boyfriend’s friends to fit you next to him. Hesmiles tensely, apologetically back at you. I’msorry, his eyes say. I forgot youwanted it to be just us. I’m sorry. Your hands are cold as you twist anduntwist the hem of your sweater, another mechanical smile pulling at your lips.The movie on but it’s just background noise for you. It’s fine, you’ll tell Alex later. It’s fine. It doesn’t matter. We’ll have time for us another night.Maybe you’ll remember it when you’ve had a less stressful week.

Maybe he will.

He probably won’t.

You don’t want to fight with him. You never wanted to fightwith him, but it feels like you’re suffocating under the weight of things thatdon’t work about the two of you, and you’d swear you were never thisincompatible before. Funny how things work out like that sometimes.

The movie plays on and you keep twisting and untwisting thehem of your sweater and stare blankly at the TV screen as you think of ways toavoid fighting when the others all leave for the night.

Raven is waiting by the door, hovering with tension evidentin her face as you stare evenly back at Alex. You can feel the uncertaintyradiating from her and you know she doesn’t want to be here, doesn’t want tohave to be seeing this. It’s not her fault she’s seeing it, though.

“Alex, I told you. I can’t do tonight. I’ve been telling youall week that I’d be busy with the work function tonight.” Your chin is raiseddefiantly and you refuse to back down or to show the slightest sign ofweakness. He sets his jaw and exhales slowly.

“It’s another party. Do you have to go to another party withthe same twenty something people you’ve already met a hundred times-” he startsand you fold your arms.

“Yes, I have to be there, Alex. I have to go. I even askedif you wanted to go when it was first organised and you said no. Which is whyRaven is coming instead of you,” you remind him, a little too sweetly for theapology in your tone to be genuine.

There’s a pause that echoes sharply, like something isfracturing, breaking irreparably. Something is changing between the two of youand you don’t want to think about it right now, so you just smile tightly andmove to kiss his cheek and say “Another night, baby. I appreciate that youwanted time for just the two of us. Another night.”

You can feel him watching you as you turn on your heel and maketo leave, taking hold of Raven’s arm as you let the door swing shut behind you.

“So, how are you two?” The question hangs in the air, likebait in the water as the shark circles below, just out of sight. You risk aquick glance at Alex, offering him the chance to answer first, unsure just howmuch of the damage the two of you are willing to reveal to the other people atthe party. He meets your gaze and then as suddenly as if a switch has beenflicked, he smiles brilliantly and turns back to meet Betsy’s eyes.

“We’re great. Things have been busy lately, what with workand everything, but we’re both doing fine, if a bit tired.” You’ve only met heronce or twice before. She’s Warren’s girlfriend and she’s just trying to bepolite. She wouldn’t have known just how loaded the question she posed was. Alexcan feel the way your hand tightens slightly on his arm, and out of the cornerof your eye, you can see the way his smile flickers slightly, can feel the wayhis arm tenses briefly. The well-practiced façade of ‘fine’ is tired. Is rundown. Is barely believable.

The room is suddenly far too full and you wish you hadn’tcome to this party. You don’t even know who’s hosting. Someone from Alex’swork. Someone you’ve probably met before, but can’t remember. Maybe if youremembered who was hosting, you wouldn’t be fighting with Alex like youare-have been. Alex’s body temperature has always run high, but right now hisarm is ice cold under your touch, and you feel so distanced from yourself thatyou might as well be floating miles above everyone else.

The rest of the crowd is unaware of the tension risingbetween you and your boyfriend, but you feel it’s sharp talons dig into yourspine and you know they’ll stay there until you’re home, until the wave breaksand the latest fight begins.

You’re tired-so unspeakably tired. You’re sitting in bed,staring at a book you thought you wanted to read and wishing you were somewhereelse. You can hear the faint murmur of Alex’s voice in the next room, the lowanswering hum of Hank’s voice in response, but you can’t make out the words.You don’t think you want to. The exhaustion radiating through your body makes youfeel like you’re sinking down into the mattress and you’re hovering right onthe edge of dreamless, weary oblivion, but sleep isn’t overtaking you fast enoughto outrun your thoughts. You don’t know when loving him got this hard. Becauseyou do still love him, but these days, it doesn’t feel like loving him isenough to make things work for the two of you.

You haven’t fought much lately. It feels like you’re bothtiptoeing delicately around each other, hoping that the feigned peace willlast, hoping that if you pretend for long enough it might become real again. Itwon’t, and you both know it, and right now you’re too tired to let yourselfcling to a false hope. Your hands are numb as you set your book aside and you shiftonto your side, pulling the covers up to your chin and wondering idly if thingscould have been different.

Doesn’t matter now, though. Things aren’t different. Thingsare bad and you and your love and your exhaustion are caught right in themiddle of it all. There’s a low sigh from the other room and you hear Hank saysympathetically “I’m sorry,” and you wish you didn’t know what he wasapologising for, but you do. Or at least, you can guess. And you know it’s notHank’s fault.

You sit back against the sofa in the coffee shop, warmingyour hands against your mug of hot chocolate as you tune out the voices of Seanand Angel, chatting idly beside you, your gaze fixed on Alex’s back as he waitsin line for his coffee. It’s bittersweet as he glances back and smiles at you.You feel like you’re standing on thin, cracking ice, and there’s a pit in your stomachthat reminds you of falling. You’re tired and so is he. The carefullyengineered veneer of ‘fine’ is fractured almost beyond repair and you know yourfriends are all treading delicately around the both of you. The looks ofsympathy from the others is almost more painful than knowing that sooner orlater, you’ll have to call this whole thing off.

The hot chocolate burns your tongue a little as you take asip and you wonder absentmindedly if Alex can feel the end looming over the twoof you as clearly as you can. He glances back at you again, and the flicker ofsomething desperate in his eyes tells you he can. Maybe that’ll make it easier.Maybe it’ll feel more like falling asleep than drowning when you both finallylet go. You wonder if it would hurt less if you blamed him for it all. Even ifit might, you can’t find it in you to put all of the blame on him. It’s yourfault too.

The room is empty, except for the two of you and it feelslike the walls might cave in. He’s right there but there might as well be amillion goddamn miles between the two of you. You could reach out and touch himif you wanted to, but you’re afraid that if you try, your hand will pass rightthrough where it looks like he’s standing. It doesn’t feel real. None of thisfeels real. You force yourself to meet his gaze, dragging your own from yourfeet, your head feeling like it’s full of cement.

“Yeah. I get it. We-it-yeah.” The words slip numbly fromyour lips, and you’re barely paying attention to your actions. “I understand,Alex. It’s okay.”

It’s not okay. It’s the furthest thing from okay, but tryingto hold on, trying to prolong this would only make it worse. His brow isfurrowed and his eyes are distant and glassy and you wonder if you look likethat. Worse, probably.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. His voice is low and hoarse and alittle desperate. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be better for you.” His words are likea final plea for you to stop this, for you to reach out and take hold of himand pull him back to shore. You know that’s how he feels because you feel thesame way. But you know this has to be over. It’ll hurt, but if you cling tothis broken love you’ll only end up hating each other. You take a deep breathand square your shoulders.

“I’m sorry too. I hope-I hope we’re both happier after this.”This is the grown-up thing to do, you tell yourself. This is the right thing todo. It feels like you’re letting go of the safety raft, letting yourself driftaimlessly into the dark current. “I love you. I want you to be happy. And beinghappy means we have to call this off.”

Letting go feels a little like drowning, a little likefalling asleep. It’s different to how you thought but it doesn’t hurt any less.You smile sadly at him and reach out to squeeze his hand. He’s real. Hisfingers flex under your touch and he lets out a long, shuddery breath. “Yeah,”he says almost inaudibly. “This needs to be over, doesn’t it?”

Your smile has jagged edges and you can feel your head slippingunder the water, safety slipping from your grip.

“Yeah. It does.”