#genuinely like. hard watch for multiple reasons. made me feel very sick to my stomach and i dont think id ever be able to rewatch it

[soupspkmncorner]

actually abysmal when you like the first movie in a series and the second movie is intolerable. i just saw joker 2 it was really not good to me

[floralseokjin]

;good2me (m)

Hoseok has been your friend and one of your roommates for over a year. That’s fine by you. In fact, most of the time he’s getting on your last nerve, even though you love him half to death. He’d agree. But soon you both find out there’s a very thin line between friendship and potential lovers... Are you prepared to cross it? 

pairing; jung hoseok x reader (slight kim seokjin x reader)  genre/warnings; friends to lovers (idiots to lovers), roommate au, bartender! hoseok, romance, bearable angst, a small infidelity, some mature content, implied smut  words; 15,351

author’s note; i started watching new girl again and got inspired by jess and nick’s relationship! Late, but for hoseok’s birthday 🥺💖

“Ohhh!” Hoseok hollered as you walked into the living area, looking up from where he was sat on the couch, flicking through the television. “Mama’s looking sexy!”

“Thank you. She is,” you said, trying to put on your best sexy voice. You did a little spin, before squeezing your cleavage up. “Got a little breast on show. A little booty if I bend over at a ninety degree angle.” You didn’t bend over the whole way, but he got the picture. 

He laughed, genuinely amused. “What is the occasion?” 

Trying to keep your bashful smile away, you failed. Big style. “Seokjin’s taking me out on our very first official date.” 

“Where to? Somewhere fancy no doubt.” 

“It’s a surpriseee.” 

You were giddy. Had been all day. You and Seokjin were finally happening, after all this time. Three months ago it seemed impossible. You had met in a quite unsavoury way, as in, you’d been determined to go out that night and have a one night stand. The one night stand had sure happened, but make that a multiple night stand. 

It was just casual sex for a few weeks. You didn’t know much about one another—more detail would mean this thing would just get deeper, and it was supposed to be the most casual of casual. You had come out of a longterm relationship at the start of the year, nearly 30 and very unsure what to do now when it came to dating. You’d met a couple of guys along the way, but you kept making the same mistake. You kept getting into relationships with them. You were sick of being Serious Sue, you wanted to be Fun Fanny. The nickname wasn’t the most desirable and you quickly stopped announcing that to potential hook ups you found at the bar. (Hoseok said you were giving off vibes you really didn’t want to be giving off.) 

Seokjin was a bit of a closed book back then, you didn’t know his story, why he wanted to keep things so casual. The guy was super sweet, really attentive and amazing in bed, but you didn’t pry. He hadn’t asked for your history, so you didn’t ask for his. Until you found out he was a doctor. A kid’s doctor. Or if you wanted to be official, a paediatrician. The dude was actually perfect, and that’s how you started to fall. 

It didn’t end well. When you confessed your feelings and implied you wanted more, he took off. He was sorry about it, apologised profusely, but he still left. You were heartbroken. But not just because of the rejection. It was because you’d fucked up again, wanted something serious, even though you’d sworn this thing with Seokjin was just a hook up. 

You managed to shake your dark mood, but you couldn’t shake the fact it felt like Seokjin was the one that got away. The one who was husband material if the situation had been different. It still felt like that nearly two months later when you ran into him at a Christmas party. However, to your surprise, he came at you with a thousand apologies. He couldn’t stop thinking about you, couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d let go. He couldn’t concentrate the regret was so deep. He’d just come out of a shitty relationship when he’d met you, he’d gotten hurt and the idea of getting into a fresh relationship so soon had half frightened him to death. But the truth was he really liked you and wanted to be with you. He wanted something serious now, but he totally understood if you told him where to go. 

You very nearly did. You’d put your heart on the line once and he’d stomped all over it. Maybe it was just the stubbornness in you, seeing as you’d secretly held out for this. You’d needed time to think and Seokjin understood. It was actually Hoseok in the end who’d encouraged you to give it a shot. He knew you were frightened of getting hurt, but you deserved happiness and Seokjin could give that to you. (The dude’s perfect, were his exact words. And rich. Bag him now, before I do.) 

“Well, have a great time,” Hoseok grinned, taking a moment to get another look at you. “You look stunning. He’s gonna be blown away.” 

Your phone dinged in your hand. It was Seokjin, he’d just pulled up. “That’s him now.” Your voice was an unusual pitch. All high and excited. You were nearly at the door when you stopped, remembering what you wanted to tell Hoseok before you’d gotten distracted. You turned back. “Thank you again, Hobi.” 

He groaned. “Quit thanking me. I just gave you my opinion. You’re the one who made the decision.” 

You nodded, smiling softly. You were a broken record by now. “I don’t think I’ll be coming home tonight so don’t wait up.” 

“Ew.” He wrinkled his nose, feigning disgust. “Get out of here!” 

You laughed and opened the door to leave. Yeah, you were big style getting laid tonight. “Have fun with the guys!” You called, managing to get a grunt in reply. 

Living with three males was interesting, to say the least. Definitely not how you imagined seeing in your thirties. But when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. Life had dealt you a lot of lemons (Read: blows. Lemons = blows) these past twelve months. The breakdown of your eight year relationship had resulted in you moving out of the home you shared. Living with your best friend Joy had been fine at first, but it was always a temporary thing in your mind. That’s how you found yourself here, in loft 4a, living with three guys. Your mother had always told you not to trust an ad on Craigslist, but she lived 100 miles away. What she didn’t know wouldn’t harm her. 

There was Hoseok, of course, who you were closest with. It didn’t make any sense, most of the time you were like chalk and cheese. He was hard to read, kind of judge-y on a bad day, but somehow he got you the most. Maybe it was because just before you’d moved in he’d gone through his own similar breakup. Another long term relationship with a woman you’d meant once when she was picking up some of the things she’d left at the loft. You hadn’t known him well back then, but now you did, and you’d seen first-hand what the separation had done to him. It made him insecure. In himself, in his capabilities and in his job. He worked in a bar down the road, had for a few years after he dropped out of law school, and even though he’d never said it outright, you think that was the parting dig Minah, the ex, had left him with when she’d walked out. But despite that, Hoseok could be fun and easy to be around. That’s why you liked him the most. Because he’d always made you feel comfortable. Right from the beginning. 

Next, there was Yoongi. A radio host for the local station in your area. You might think he was aloof if you didn’t know him any better, but the guy was very much similar to a cat. Slight in his affection but that just made it all the more sincere. You’d never forget the time he’d kicked out this lame-o you’d thought you were exclusively dating, when in fact it turned out he was seeing three other girls too. Yoongi found you in tears in the living room, jerkface trying to apologise for the misunderstanding. He was out on his ass in under five seconds. From that night on you knew to call him a friend, much to his chagrin. He was a big softy really, and very loyal. That’s why Joy had fallen for him pretty early on. One introduction, a few weeks later and Bam! They were an item. There went her vow to never date a guy shorter than her. Plus, Yoongi was very smug about dating a model. Thought all his Christmas’ had come at once. But yeah, they were very much in love now. Pretty sickening really…

And last but not least, there was Namjoon. He was the brains of the group. The only one with a master’s degree, and the only one with a “proper” job. A high school science teacher. Well, technically you were a teacher too, but it wasn’t particularly the same when you taught a bunch of adults creative writing. Namjoon was the sensible one. The one who kept the lid on everyone’s antics when they were in fear of getting out of control. Although boy could be erratic when he wanted to be. More often now that the woman he’d been dating on and off for six months had finally ended things. Heartbroken Namjoon was not fun. Nor was the depressing music he played at 2am in the morning. But you were there for him because you loved him. You, Hoseok and Yoongi. 

3 guys, one girl. Best friends until the end, living in loft 4a. 

Ew. It could be a sitcom. 

“I don’t understand why you had to meet me outside,” Hoseok said to you. “I work here, it’s not like this place is new to me.” 

You hummed, not really wanting to answer him, but also severely distracted. It was a good few weeks later now, winter was pretty much over, life had long and resumed after  Christmas. In fact, it was the middle of February and today was Hoseok’s birthday. The last but one of you to turn the dreaded three-oh. You were pretty nervous right now, inside the bar a whole bunch of people ready to celebrate. Hoseok thought it was just you, the guys and Joy joining him for a few drinks… There was minor detail you’d left out and ignored: Hoseok hated surprises.  

Walking through the bar entrance first, leading the way for obvious reasons, you were met with darkness. Hoseok stopped dead behind you, and you heard him mutter oh, god, aghast. Your stomach dropped out of your ass but you flicked on the lights, yelling SURPRISE! with the rest of the partygoers filling the dingy room. 

“Happy 30th birthday, Hobi!” You exclaimed, hugging into him slightly. You pulled back, a grin on your face, eyes wide as you tried to gauge his reaction. He wouldn’t make a scene, surely? You watched with slight dread as he tried to stretch one across his face too. His eyes were piercing though. Piercing into you with complete and utter disbelief. You then watched as he turned his head and addressed his guests. “Thanks, guys. What a lovely surprise…”

Frick. He was definitely using his fake voice. 

.

.

“What is this?” Hoseok hissed at you. He’d finally been able to corner you an hour in, and you stood huddled together by the restrooms. “I told you I didn’t want a big deal. You said it was just going to be a few lowkey drinks at the bar!” 

“It is,” you insisted, before muttering that next part. “Just with an added 20 more people…” 

“I don’t even know half of them!” He looked around the room, and you joined him. 

Okay, you had to admit, after the first five people you’d added to the list it was pretty hard to think of more. In the end you’d had to improvise. Invite acquaintances or just even friends of a friend… You wouldn’t admit that though. “Sure you do,” you shrugged. “There’s Yoongi and Joy.” 

“She’s your best friend.” 

“There’s Namjoon.” 

“They don’t count.” He frustrated. “They were supposed to be here! It was just supposed to be them!” 

“There’s Mrs. Choi from our building–”

“You invited a 60 year old lady to my birthday?” 

She had a soft spot for him. Of course she should be here. “There’s Brian, your-your boss…” You admit by now you were struggling. 

“He’s just here because he works every night.” 

“There’s…” You glanced around again, desperate to see a familiar face of Hoseok’s. Finally, you found someone. “THERE’S NARA!” You shouted pretty loudly, excitement taking over. She drunk at the bar a few nights a week. Hoseok had become a little enamoured. 

He jerked his head in her direction. She was sat in a booth with Yoongi, Joy and Namjoon. The latter chatting away with her. “Oh, my god. You invited Nara?!” 

“Of course I did. You like her.” 

“No, I don’t.” He was quick to refute. “I don’t like her. How do you know I like her?” He was also quick to give in. 

“You find a way to bring her into conversation every single time. Ask Yoongi.” 

He sighed dramatically, rubbing his his temples. “Well, that’s just great. Now she knows I’m 30. She knows I’m old!” 

“Shut up,” you scoffed. “She’s close to 30 too.” 

His head shot up. “You know her age?” 

“Yes. I know a lot about her.” You smirked, feeling powerful. “In the five minute conversation we had while I was inviting her, I found out way more than you have in the past three weeks you’ve been into her.” 

“I like to take my time.” He fumed. You were close to bickering, you could feel it. Hoseok said you were a butt-er in-er. You took control of things that weren’t your job. This was probably a classic example. However, this time around he relented. He wanted in on this info. He lowered his voice, leaning in. “What did you find out?” 

You shrugged, pretty nonchalant. If it wasn’t his birthday you’d make him pay you ten bucks for the facts. “Her surname. Her age. Where she was born. She prefers cats over dogs. LOVE that,” you exclaimed. Hoseok rolled his eyes, speeding you up with hand motions. “She’s only had one serious relationship in her life. Kinda like me. Although, who knows now that me and Seokjin are an item.” 

You found yourself easily on a tangent. Your relationship with Seokjin the biggest distraction in your life right now. Things were going amazing. Just over six weeks in and you were finding that domestic bliss you and your ex never had. 

“I don’t care about your life. I care about mine.” Hoseok rudely interrupted. “What else did you find out?” 

You glared at him but replied. “Not a lot after that. Bottom line is I love her. We’re a lot alike actually.” 

“No, you are not,” he insisted, a little bit of nausea in his face. You knew better than to get offended. “Hey, how did you find this all out in five minutes?” 

You tipped your shoulders. “People feel comfortable around me. They can open up, y’know?” 

He grunted in response, before his eyes widened in horror, thinking of something. “You didn’t tell her I like her, did you?”

“No,” you scoffed. “What do you take me for? An idiot?” The look he gave you was a yes. You rolled your eyes and grabbed him by the shoulders. “You’re going to tell her. Tonight. That’s why I invited her.” 

He swallowed, now looking scared. Talking to girls was never his forte. The last “relationship” he’d had since the big breakup had lasted four weeks. He had a lot to learn. You tapped his back encouragingly and he gave you a tight nod. Damn, maybe he really was about to get his flirty flirt on with this woman. You smiled at him and he looked around the bar one last time, shaking his head with a chuckle as he realised something. “God. You threw me a party at the bar I work at.” 

When would you ever win?! 

.

.

An hour later you were making your way back to the apartment. Hoseok in tow. You wanted to convince yourself it was because you could see the party wasn’t his style at all. You mean, you could see that, but the real reason you were in the elevator right now was because you’d been hit with another, even better idea. In fact, you wished you’d just thought of this first. 

“They’ll be fine back there. They won’t miss you,” you tried to reassure Hoseok, stepping out into the hallway. 

“Gee. That makes me feel so amazing on my birthday. Thank you.” Sarcasm all day, everyday. You didn’t deserve it. “Thank you for gathering a bunch of strangers to celebrate that I am one step closer to death.” 

See? It hadn’t been that hard to get him outside and convince him to walk you home because you were feeling a little lightheaded. It was like taking candy from he baby. Hoseok was dumb. 

“What happened to you?” You glared his way. “The guys always tell me you were so full of life before I moved in.” 

He raised an eyebrow. “I think you’ve answered the question yourself there.” 

You tutted, letting it go over his head. “Thirty is not bad, at all. I turned it a few months ago and I’ve just felt amazing ever since.” 

“You cried all day.” 

Goddamnit. “They were happy tears. Now,” you changed the subject, because yes, he was calling you out, but also he was pulling out his key, about to let himself in. You pushed him to the side, grabbing yours from your purse. “Just let me go do it,” you announced loudly. Almost like you wanted someone to hear you. “Just getting my key. Pushing it in the lock.” You continued the description. “Arriving home!” 

“What are you doing? What’s going on?” He was bound to be suspicious. You weren’t exactly being discreet. 

“Nothing.” You shook your head, now pushing the door open. 

“Nothing? I—

“SURPRISE!” 

Hoseok didn’t have a chance to finish his sentence, door swinging open to reveal the guys. Namjoon pushed forward to slip a ’30 Years Old’ banner over his head, and he had the audacity to glare at you. 

“I specifically said don’t make this birthday a big deal and instead you throw me TWO surprise parties in the span of a couple hours.” He was in disbelief. “Don’t you listen to a word I say?!” 

“This is a better one though.” You whined. “The one I originally should’ve planned. It’s just friends.” 

“Hi again,” a little voice sounded from behind Namjoon. 

“And Nara.” You grinned, watching Hoseok’s face light up a little. “See Nara came. I invited Nara.” Success. Namjoon had followed instructions. Get the woman into the apartment. 

Hoseok finally smiled at you, stepping inside the loft. “Nara came! Hi, Nara!”  You’d take that as his seal of approval then. This place was much better for getting to know her. He’d failed miserably at the bar, you wouldn’t allow it here. You were going to play matchmaker tonight. 

“Baby!” 

The sound of Seokjin’s voice in the hall distracted you, and you shrieked a little when you saw him walking towards you, dressed in all black. “Yay, Seokjin! You made it.” He hugged you straight away, landing a kiss on your lips. 

“We managed to get someone else in for the night. I escaped.” He cheered, still holding your waist as he turned his head towards Hoseok. “Happy Birthday, man.” 

“Thanks, Jin,” he smiled, before shooting a misplaced compliment. “You’re looking very handsome. As always.” 

You rolled your eyes, laughing a little as Seokjin pulled a confused face at you. “Ignore him, he’s already a little buzzed.” You still didn’t understand Hoseok’s obsession with your boyfriend’s looks. But the guy wasn’t wrong, Seokjin did indeed look very handsome tonight. As always. 

You glanced around the room, Yoongi and Joy had managed to put up some balloons and a banner in record time after you’d frantically text them the plan half an hour ago. Alcohol stood on the dining table, a few snacks in bowls. Definitely Joy’s doing. You clapped your hands. “Music please! Let’s get this party started!” 

The room erupted into cheers. 

.

.

“Okay, I have an idea,” you yelled into the room. It was over an hour in now. This party was popping, much better than the one happening in bar you bet. You were drunk. Not wasted or anything, but definitely merry. “Let’s play spin the bottle!” 

You’d already played Pass the Balloon, thinking of games from when you were a teenager in desperation as you tried to hook Hoseok and Nara up. The balloon one was going well until Namjoon and her had found themselves in some difficulty. Then it was just a wasted ten minutes as you watched them fail to give in. At least Joon was having fun though, it had been a while since you’d seen him have fun, let alone laugh. 

“We’re not in high school,” Hoseok grumbled from beside you.

Nara piped up from the kitchen. “I think’ll be fun.” 

“Yeah. Yeah. Cool.” Hoseok soon changed his tune. “I think it’ll be fun too. Cool.” 

“Great!” You took the bottle Seokjin had been drinking from and swigged the last bit much to his amusement. You hadn’t told him what you were up to yet, but he was going along with your crazy ideas anyway. He always watched you with fondness, which was sweet considering he also called you the wackiest person he knew. 

“Everyone, get in a circle and sit!” You ordered. They listened. You grabbed Hoseok just before he took off. “You, come here.” Dragging him out into the hall that lead to your bedrooms you tried your best to whisper. “Sit next to Nara.” 

“Huh?” 

God. Was he dumb? “I’m helping you here. Setting you up.” 

“I don’t need you to,” he exasperated. “I got this.” 

You knew for a fact he didn’t “got this”. “It’ll be your turn first, birthday boy n’ all.” You carried on like you hadn’t heard him. “Spin it ever so slightly.” 

“That’s so obvious.” 

“You want to make it obvious.” 

He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. “Fine.” 

You smiled in triumph, grabbing him by the arm. “Remember: ever so slightly!” And with that you dragged him towards the circle. You were pretty feisty when you needed to be. 

“It’s Hobi’s turn first because he’s the birthday boy,” you told everyone as you pushed him down between Nara and Joy. You sat to Nara’s left; convenient to keep an eye on everything, plus you were next to Seokjin too.   

“It’s so cute how you call him Hobi,” Nara commented, leaning into you with a smile. 

“Oh, really?” You were a little caught off guard. “Everyone calls him that. No big deal.” You tried to think if that was true… You must’ve heard it from somewhere else why would you have started calling him that…?

“Are there rules?” Joy asked. 

“Yes! Rules!” You suddenly realised. You racked your brains. Hoseok and Nara couldn’t kiss in front of everyone. That would just be odd. Hm, maybe this was too obvious. “Whoever the bottle lands on, that’s who you kiss! But there’s a twist. It has to be in my closet.” 

“You got cameras in there or something?” Namjoon piped up, Nara laughed loudly. 

“No,” you said slowly. “Because it’s the biggest. You can’t come out until the deed is done.” 

“Isn’t that like seven minutes in heaven?” Yoongi asked. 

“Yoongi, just shut up and listen.” Why couldn’t people just be excited? You were trying to hook up their friend! “It’s not like that because I don’t want people having sex in my closet.” You nudged Nara and giggled. She slowly laughed back, a little confused. You caught Hoseok shooting you a look but ignored him.

“Kissing only,” you continued. “And we need photographic evidence.”

“What?” Hoseok sounded like he was about to run off any moment. 

“Just a quick pic,” you shrugged. If truth be told, you wanted Hoseok to have the memory of when you set him up with the girl of his dreams forever. That way he could always thank you. 

“Is the guy to girl ratio a little skewed?” Yoongi pointed out. “I’m not kissing Joon.” 

You ignored him. “TONGUES.” You shouted instead, clapping your hands. “Almost forgot to specify: tongues!” 

“I’m not tonguing anyone bar my girlfriend.” Yoongi was adamant. 

“Whatever.” You sighed. Didn’t he realise this wasn’t about him? You didn’t care who he tongued or didn’t tongue. It was about who Hoseok tongued! 

You stretched over and handed the bottle to him. “Hoseok, spin.” You were careful not to use your, no, the, nickname. There was nothing cute about it. 

“Okay. Kinda nervous.” He was practically shouting. If this was his way of trying to sound casual, he was failing. “Don’t want to mess it up.” Thinking about it, this was a very stupid idea. He was about to spin a bottle four inches to the left. You watched feeling a little sick. 

The sick feeling turned to one of horror in a nanosecond. You watched in slow motion as the bottle passed Nara. It wasn’t four inches, it was eight. He’d landed on you. 

“No.” Hoseok spoke into the room. The denial was strong. “No. No. Nope. No.” 

You could hear the room cheering. Yoongi laughing, saying something about how amazing this was. The game had backfired on you. But in truth you weren’t really listening, too busy having a minor breakdown. 

You looked at a Hoseok. “No.” He said it back. You looked around at everyone else, eyes wide. In denial and begging for someone to say you didn’t have to do it. “No. No. HA,” you forced a laugh. “I have a boyfriend. I can’t kiss anyone else.” 

“If you were going to make me kiss Joon, you’re kissing Hoseok.” 

“Baby, it’s just a game,” Seokjin chuckled, hooking his arm around your shoulders. “It’s fine.” 

“No.” You were adamant. “I would call that cheating. Wouldn’t you?” 

“I would.” Hoseok piped up. At least someone was on your side. No one listened to him. 

“Relax.” Seokjin rubbed the back of your neck. “Come here.” He dipped his head, capturing your mouth in a soft kiss before pulling away and winking. “That’s to remember me. Now get on in there!” 

The guy physically hauled you up. You perfect boyfriend had no problem with this. Damn him. Damn him for being so reasonable and laid back. Yoongi made a beeline for Hoseok. The glee on his face was pretty frightening. 

“To the closest! To the closet! To the closet!” The chanting wasn’t necessary, but it happened any way. Frog marched into your bedroom and pushed into the closet. Surrounded in pitch black before you reached for the light switch. 

“You overshot it,” you hissed. 

“I was under pressure!” Yelling in whispers was hard. “You do not know how stressful it was!” 

You groaned, rubbing your hands all over your face. “Don’t do that you look like The Scream.” Hoseok commented.

You shot him a look before stomping your feet and pointing a finger at him. “I can’t believe this. You were supposed to be in here with Nara!” 

“Why the hell did you sit next to her?” 

“I don’t know. To keep an eye on you!” In hindsight it was a very bad idea, but what would have happened if you hadn’t? Hoseok would be in here with Seokjin? That was even more weird! 

“You guys kissing yet?” Yoongi asked through the door. You could almost see his Lenny face. 

“Oh, god,” Hoseok muttered. He sounded faint. 

“Yeah. We did it!” You yelled back. You were getting you both out of here. “Was super wet. Hoseok has a freakishly long tongue. Yuck.” 

“Hey. No, I don’t.” 

“Send the pic. Did you take a pic?” Yoongi sounded way too excited. 

Shit. The stupid picture?! Why did you even come up with that rule… “Oh, would you look at that. I didn’t hit the button. Oh well, doesn’t matter,” you shrugged, moving to turn the door handle. It didn’t budge. Almost like someone was holding it shut. “Hey, let us out!!” You yelled. 

“No evidence, no escaping.” That was Namjoon. He sounded overly amused. 

“Namjoon!” You shrieked in surprise. You twisted and tugged on the handle, hoping you he would relent, give up so you could get the hell out of here. “Let us out. Let us out! I’m claustrophobic!”

“Kiss and take the pic!” Joy shouted. 

Joy?! That was it! Friendship over. Come to think of it, where was Seokjin? Maybe you could appeal to him. He’d give in surely. You were about to open your mouth when fresh chanting started. “KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!” It was so loud you swear you’d wake up with a noise compliant. But more importantly, you could hear Seokjin’s voice along with the rest. Goddamnit. You were really going to have to kiss Hoseok. 

You turned back to him, defeat on your face. He’d been oddly quiet since you’d tried escaping. “Let’s just do it,” he shrugged. 

“What?” You mean, you’d been planning on saying the same thing, but you’d thought it would take some cajoling. 

“Get your phone out. Let’s just get it over with,” he told you. “You want to get out of here, right?” 

“Okay.” You nodded, telling yourself it would be fine. “Yeah, we’ll just kiss. It’s no biggie.” 

“Nope, no biggie.” He stepped closer. You were suddenly sweating. It was really hot in here and you swear the floor was shaking because of how rowdy they were being outside. 

“Hey, remember when I saw your boob that one time?” Hoseok laughed. “It popped right out of your towel when you were talking to me as I brushed my teeth.” He made a popping sound to emphasise, his hand flopping from his chest in an unnecessary reenactment

That had actually been particularly mortifying for you. Especially seeing as it was only a month into living with the guys and you’d just flashed a boob accidentally. “What does that have to do with anything?” 

He looked at you, releasing his mistake. “It doesn’t. Just if I’ve seen your boob, I can kiss you.” There was no correlation at all. You wanted to point that out but now he was a few inches from your face. You were going crosseyed trying to look at him. “Okay, let’s do this,” he murmured. 

“Ew. What did you just do?” You startled, stepping back. 

“Huh?” 

“You licked your lips.” He’d licked his lips and moved forward. He was about to put his wet ones on your normal ones. 

“Of course I did. Do you want dry lips?” 

“Yes! I want dry lips,” you insisted. 

He pulled a face, more than puzzled. “These things can get pretty chapped, but ok.” Before you could say anything else he had his hands on your face, lunging closer with his eyes closed. 

“No. No.” You ducked from his grip, darting to the other side of the closet. Had it always been that small in here? You used to think it was massive. 

Hoseok sighed. “What now?” 

“You cupped my face. You did this thing with your eyes.” 

“What, closed them?!” 

“Don’t kiss me with your eyes closed.” 

“So you want to be staring at each other the whole time?” He thought you were crazy. Could tell by the tone of his voice. He exhaled, voice calmer when he spoke again. “You don’t want to kiss me, do you?” 

“Of course I don’t. It’s weird as hell.” You caught the look on his face. “Oh, come on. You cannot be offended. Does the idea of kissing me not gross you out?” 

“No, it doesn’t gross me out. That’s a bit drastic.” 

God, he was not guilt tripping you right now. It worked anyway. “Fine! Let’s kiss.” He looked startled, probably feeling dizzy by your back and forth. “C’mon. Kiss me, Jung.” He didn’t budge. You started chanting. It was the only way. “Kiss me! Kiss me! Kiss me!” 

“Ok, okay.” He yelled over you. “Shut the hell up.” You continued. You always did like pissing him off. 

In a split second he was in front of you. “Come here.” His cupped your face again and you instantly shut up. Your eyes were locked on his, and in this pretty dismal lighting he looked beautiful. It made your insides feel funny. For a moment there you caught yourself puckering. You caught yourself actually wanting to kiss him, and then in the blink of an eye it was gone. Almost like it never happened. He murmured your name and pulled away, shaking his head 

“What?” 

“I can’t do this,” he admitted. “It’s too weird.” 

“Ha! See!” You were triumphant. “It is weird!” 

He shook his head again, chuckling quietly. “No, I mean… This is not how it’s supposed to go.” 

“What?” There was silence. He didn’t try to elaborate. “Supposed to go?” No matter how much you tried to make sense of that, nothing worked. “How’s it supposed to go, Hoseok?” 

“Forget it. I didn’t say anything,” he tried to backtrack. “It came out wrong.” 

“Hoseok.” He didn’t tell you. He just stared at you, unable or unwilling. “Hobi—p”

“You guys win.” You were interrupted as the door burst open, Yoongi grumbling like a giant baby. 

You blinked rapidly, not used to the bright lights. Everything felt a little weird, like you’d been in that closest for years. You walked out first, not looking behind you. You felt a little shaken up. You couldn’t explain why. 

Seokjin wrapped his arms around your shoulders and laughed. “We were sick of waiting.” He smelt of beer and his eyes were unfocused. You hadn’t realised before but he was drunk. Way more than you were. 

“Get back in the circle,” Namjoon ordered, leading the way. God, this game was still going to continue? You’d all be here until tomorrow morning. “You guys are spoilsports.” 

“What’s a little kissing among friends?” Yoongi piped up, which was rich coming from him. “Okay, Nara’s turn,” he said once everyone had gotten back into place. She took the bottle eagerly. “Spin it, girl!” 

You all watched it go. You totally forgot to pray it landed on Hoseok until it was too late. The room erupted into cheers and wolf whistles as it stopped and your heart sunk. 

“NAMJOON!!” Yoongi yelled. “Get it, Kim!” 

You shot Hoseok an apologetic look. 

.

.

“Hey.” You said, stopping by the sofa where Hoseok sat. “I’m sorry about tonight.”

It was a fewhours later, the party was over and you were in your pyjamas ready for bed. Seokjin was already tucked up on his side and you’d just gone to get a glass of water. You didn’t want a headache in the morning. You were surprised to see Hoseok still awake and in the living room. 

He shook his head, laughing a little. “It’s fine. I actually kinda enjoyed it in a strange way.” 

“You did?” 

“Yup. What better way to see 30 in. Trapped in a closet with you.” 

You laughed at his silliness, making your way over to the sink to fill up your glass. You gulped the water down, thinking to yourself. You didn’t care if he was just trying to make you feel better. You were still relieved he hadn’t totally hated it. There were worse people to be stuck in a closet with. You hoped. 

As you placed the now empty glass down a faint banging appeared. Like something hitting against a wall. It got louder and then slowed away. “What’s that?” You asked Hoseok, turning around and genuinely puzzled. 

“Oh, that,” Hoseok chuckled. “That’s Namjoon and Nara. He’s giving it to her good. Real good.” 

Your mouth dropped open, just as the banging re-emerged. Yes, it was definitely coming from his room. His headboard. Then the guilt kicked in. “Oh my god. Hobi, I’m so sorry.” How had this happened? How had you not seen the signs? It was pretty obvious now, thinking back, Nara had been totally into Namjoon. All that hushed talking, giggling and touching. The game of spin the bottle. That girl had rigged her own spin for it to land on him. Only she’d been a good shot. Hoseok on the other hand… 

Hoseok raised his hand, brushing your apologies away. “He asked for permission. He needs this.” Maybe so. This was the first woman Joon had shown an interest in after Sookie. Hoseok was too understanding.  “Besides, I oddly don’t care.” 

Or maybe not. 

“You don’t?” You instantly kicked yourself for prying. Prying and being nosey had been the downfall of this night. Yet here you were itching for more info. 

“Yeah, I just…” He trailed off and shrugged. “Maybe I don’t like Nara that much. It was just a stupid crush. No big deal.” 

You didn’t know what to say. You wanted to ask what made him change his mind so suddenly? Made him realise? But that seemed inappropriate. You nodded instead, letting him know you got it, and turned to leave. “Goodnight.” 

“Wait,” he called. “Hold up.” He jumped up and you turned to face him again, waiting like he’d asked. “I want to say sorry too. I made that weird. The game.”

“Oh.” The closet. The awkwardness had slowly disappeared through the night and now you had a sickly feeling it was about to come back. If the look on his face was anything to go by. 

“What I meant was,” he was talking slow, a little stunted. “If I was ever going to kiss you, it wouldn’t be like that. Because of some stupid game.” 

His words took a moment to process. Perhaps you had another hundred questions to ask but they seemed impossible. You should just take what he said and accept it. The game was over and you’d never play it again. You’d never get in a closet with him again. You felt strange, but you didn’t admit that. Instead you smiled. “Okay.” 

That feeling was creeping back. The one from the closet, when he’d been holding your face and staring into your eyes. The one where he’d looked so good under that weird yellow light. Hoseok was handsome, you’d always thought so, but in a way where you’d never actually thought of it, if that made sense… In that closet, you’d thought it. 

“Come on, I’ll walk with you,” he told you, interrupting the butterflies in your stomach. You walked side by side, down the corridor. Your rooms were directly opposite one another. Had you pointed that out before?  

You stopped when he did, forcing yourself to say something. It was just Hoseok. You talked to him all the time. You yelled at him all the time. And laughed, and fooled around. He was your friend. “I promise I’ll make next year’s birthday better.” 

He smiled gently, head tilted, voice soft. “You don’t have to promise me anything. Night.” 

“Goodnight, Hobi.” 

You made to turn, hand nearly on the door handle, but then he pulled you back. One hand reaching for yours, the other curling around your waist. Your mouths met in such a rush you didn’t realise until you felt the warmth of his tongue. It was passionate and eager. The kind of kiss you see in the movies, where no one comes up for air, where their bodies move on their own accord. 

There were no thoughts, just feelings. The feeling of how good this was, and how much it took your breath away. The feeling of his lips on yours and how you should’ve been feeling them a long time ago. The feeling of his arms wrapped around your waist, clutching you tight, and yours around his shoulders, holding him close. 

When you finally pulled away, no choice but to, you were trembling. Boneless. Hs breath fanned across your face and you were sad. You wanted more. You wanted to kiss him all night. Slowly, more deliberately, you pushed your lips against his, savouring the feel. He kissed you back just as softly before breaking away for good. 

“That’s how it would go,” he murmured. He was breathing heavily. “How I imagined it to be.”

And that he was gone. To his room, door shut. 

You stood there dazed, lips tingling and you brought your fingers out to touch them. There was silence all around you, and slowly, the haze began to lift. In its wake brought panic and guilt. Seokjin. Your boyfriend was asleep just behind the door.

What had you done? 

You got hardly any sleep. Your brain wouldn’t switch off. The guilt twisting your gut, even more so when you kept thinking of the kiss and how good it was, and how short lived it was. Seokjin centimetres away from you, clueless. You rose early. Everyone else was still asleep, the loft silent. Still in your pyjamas you poured yourself some cereal and sat on at the counter, munching away sombrely. 

Hoseok was the first to wake up. Of course. You should’ve just stayed inside your room, but you couldn’t bear to be near Seokjin. He strolled into the living room casually, making his way to the kitchen. You tried to ignore the way your stomach flipped because you didn’t know what it meant. Were you angry, panicked, something else? 

“Good morning.” He greeted casually. 

Angry. You were angry. It rushed up your body. How dare he be so casual. As if nothing had happened. “Seriously? Good morning?” You retorted. He was making himself a coffee. “What’s good about it, Hoseok? You kissed me last night!” 

He gave a little shrug. “I know I did.” 

You were flabbergasted by his gall. Had to force yourself to continue. “Well,” you stared at him. “Aren’t you going to explain yourself?” 

“I already did.” He spoke simply. “I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to show you how I would kiss you.” 

Nope. You weren’t feeling guilty over this any longer. Not when he was acting so unfazed. He was the one who had kissed you. This was his doing. And he didn’t care at all. “To what? Prove a point?” You demanded. 

He scoffed, dropping a teaspoon into the sink. “No, not to prove a point.” He turned to face you, back leaning against the counter. “I wanted to kiss you.” 

Your mind was beginning to reel. “I have a BOYFRIEND,” you said slowly, unable to keep a lid on your anger. “Who I had to sleep next to last night.” 

Right on cue, Seokjin came from around the corner, still half asleep and rubbing his eyes. You froze, feeling instantly sick. You hope he hadn’t heard anything. 

He hadn’t. He smiled when he saw you both, making his way over. “Morning, guys.” 

“Seokjin, hey,” you breathed, feeling a little trembly. You pushed your bowl away, not hungry now. You caught Hoseok’s eyes. 

“Morning,” he nodded, turning to look at Seokjin but averting his gaze. 

Seokjin leant down and kissed your cheek, rubbing your shoulder. “Did you sleep at all last night? You were tossing and turning like crazy.” 

You felt yourself panicking. You needed to cool it. “Ah, I think I was still pumped from the party.” You laughed lightly. 

Seokjin joined in. “You guys sure do know how to have fun. I think I’ve drunk more in these past two months than I have in my entire life.” You heard Hoseok gave the lamest laugh back. It sounded more like a scoff and you shot him a look.  

“Hey, wanna go to the zoo today?” Seokjin suggested. You’d been on about going for weeks now just hadn’t gotten around to it. “I’m not due at the hospital until tonight.” 

You forced yourself to smile. Hoped it seemed natural. “I’d love to.” 

“Perfect,” he grinned, reaching to kiss your lips. They twinged, and you remembered the feeling of Hoseok’s mouth. You were also very aware he was a witness to all this. You pulled back quickly. “Wanna shower first?” Seokjin asked. 

“No, it’s okay. You go.” 

You couldn’t bear them to be alone together. Hoseok was acting weird, you didn’t trust him not to tell Seokjin. As it would have it though, by the time you looked across at the counter, Hoseok was gone, already walking off back to his room. 

.

.

“What’s wrong?” You asked Seokjin as you made your way into your room. You’d showered straight after him. Gotten dressed in the bathroom because you did not fancy bumping into Hoseok wrapped in a towel. Even though you had many a time. 

Seokjin looked a little sad, you could tell by his face straight away something was up, and  delayed, you felt dread begin prick at your spine. What if Hoseok had told him? 

“Bad news. They need me at the hospital.” He sounded guilty that he had to let you down. 

While you felt instant relief. He didn’t know about the kiss and your guilty conscious was happy you wouldn’t have to spend all day together. You felt terrible at the realisation. Maybe you should just tell him what happened. But… not like this. Not today. You were a serial put-er off-er.

“That’s okay, it can’t be helped,” you told him, making your way over to the bed where he sat perched on. You rubbed his shoulder. You both liked doing that to one another. Thinking that made you sad. “I feel bad for you though. You haven’t had a proper day off in weeks.” 

It was true, Seokjin worked harder than any person you’d met before. You didn’t know how he did it. More sadness filled you. You couldn’t explain why. This time it wasn’t the guilt over the kiss, but something else. Everything had changed. 

“You’re cute,” he smiled. “I’ll be fine. Always am.” Those words stuck with you. “I’m sad we can’t go to the zoo. Rain check?” 

“Rain check,” you nodded, smiling slightly. 

“What will you do instead today?” He asked, before chuckling. “Hoseok’s here all day. Keep him company.” 

Your eyes widened. “You’ve been talking to Hob–Hoseok?” Damn that nickname. He didn’t deserve to be called Hobi. 

“Yeah, while you were in the shower.” 

Change the subject. “I think I may hang out with Joy.” It was the weekend after all, and Yoongi had work this afternoon and then he was going out for drinks with some coworkers. Joy would be free. “We can have a girly day. I could stay over maybe.” You were babbling. Trying to make this believable even though it wasn’t a lie. “Face masks, pillow fights, all that sleepover stuff.” 

Seokjin looked at you funny and laughed affectionately. “You’re really trying to relive your high school years, aren’t you? You’re cute,” he repeated. He always called you cute. He wrapped his arms around you waist, pulling you a little closer. “—and weird. That’s why I like you.” 

Yes. Sometimes you did think you were a little bit “too much” for Seokjin, but he always seemed so endeared by you. Usually this kind of talk made you happy, but you felt strange inside. Like everything was slowly dying. Seokjin kissed you, it didn’t bring you back to life.    “I’ll see you tomorrow night. Promise I’ll be free.” 

You forced yourself to smile. Any more and your lips would start aching. “Can’t wait.” 

He rubbed his nose against yours, voice low. “You can come over. Maybe we can play seven minutes in heaven…” 

You giggled, but in your mind you couldn’t stop thinking about your kiss with Hoseok. 

.

.

“Hoseok kissed me last night.” 

It was a few hours later, not even twenty four after the kiss, and you were finally telling someone about it. You weren’t built to keep secrets. Joy knew that. She knew you the best out of anyone. She’d been your best friend for over twenty years. That’s why it was her you told. Curled up on her sofa you blurted it out. No lead up, no ‘Hey, can I tell you something?’ Just straight out with it. 

She turned her attention away from the television, a look of confusion spread all over her face. “During the game or?” 

You breathed out. “After. Once everyone had gone home.” 

Her eyes widened, but she spoke slowly, as if she was trying really hard to understand. “I’m confused. Was it a drunk thing?” 

“I don’t know why he did it,” you admitted. If you had a solid answer maybe you could get your head around it more. “He said he wanted to show me how our first kiss would go.” 

“Hold up.” Now Joy had come to life. Still in shock, but needing explanations. “He imagined a first kiss? Does he like you?” 

“No,” you exclaimed, pulling a disgusted face. “It’s Hoseok. Me and Hoseok.” 

“Do you like him?” 

Was she crazy? “No.” But that sounded too mean. “Yes. I mean, of course I like him, he’s my friend.”

“Christ. He kissed you,” she muttered, shaking her head a little in disbelief. 

“I kissed him back.” Had you left out that minor detail? It was all very well saying Hoseok kissed you, but you’d let him, and you’d kissed him back just as hard. The memory had your insides feeling funny again. 

Joy looked a little in stunned. You didn’t blame her. You and Hoseok kissing? His mouth on yours, his hands on your body, his tongue in your mouth… You needed a cold shower. Where was your guilt now?! 

“What was it like?” She asked hesitantly. Curious. 

“Really good.” You couldn’t lie. And you couldn’t keep the truth in. You just needed to be honest with yourself. “I’m so confused. Joy, I cant stop thinking about it. I’m so mad at him but it was just so… It was just so hot. But out of this world. Like, I saw through time and space, and it was Hoseok doing it!” In what world did that seem realistic? He was your friend! 

“Damn, Hoseok has game.” Joy sounded half impressed. 

You sighed sadly. “I think it was the best kiss of my life but it can’t be because…” There she was. The guilt. She settled in your stomach, heavy and sickly. “Seokjin. I have a boyfriend. One who I’ve liked for the longest time.” 

You remembered how much you wanted to make it work with him while things were still just a hook up and how heartbroken you’d been when he’d told you he couldn’t give you that. How confused and kind of mad you were when he found you again and confessed his feelings and how happy you’d been when you’d given him another chance. When Hoseok had encouraged you to give it a try. Nothing made sense. Everything had changed after one kiss.  

“Are you going to tell him?” Joy asked. 

“I don’t know. I was going to forget the kiss ever happened but I don’t think I can do that,” you admitted. Seokjin deserved the truth, but selfishly, more than that, you couldn’t live like this, so conflicted. It wasn’t black and white. You’d kissed Hoseok back. 

“Just think it through, okay?” She told you gently. “If you tell him it’ll make things awkward. You’re friends with Hoseok. You live with Hoseok.” 

You didn’t think Joy got it. You didn’t think you got it. You couldn’t forget about the kiss. That’s why you had to tell Seokjin. “No, I should tell him.” Your voice was a little shaky. “I kissed Hoseok back. It wouldn’t be fair to blame it all on him. Seokjin needs to know.” 

.

.

You slipped through the door, trying to be as quiet as possible. You turned left, towards your bedroom and began creeping. It was past midnight but you still wanted to go as undetected as possible, praying Namjoon and Hoseok were in their rooms already. 

“Hey.” You winced when you heard Hoseok’s voice, freezing. “I was waiting up for you. Where were you all day?” 

You turned back slowly, trying to make your voice sound as neutral as possible. If truth be told, the last person you wanted to have a conversation with right now was him. “At Joy’s. I was going to stay over but Yoongi got drunk and she had to pick him up.” 

“You were going to stay over because of me?” He asked. You stayed silent and he sighed your name. “Look, I’m really sorry I did this. Made things awkward between us. It’s the last thing I want.” 

Your jaw tightened in anger. Then why the hell had he kissed you? “I don’t feel awkward. Do you feel awkward?” 

“I feel a little awkward.” He admitted, hands in his pockets. You stayed a few feet apart. “You left the house all day to avoid me.” 

“I’m not feeling awkward. I’m feeling…mad.” 

“Mad?” He had the cheek to sound surprised. “At me?” 

“You kissed me when I have a boyfriend.” You explained like you had to. “Did you not think of the consequences?”

He lowered his head, sheepish, yet he still didn’t apologise. “Are you going to tell him?” He asked instead. “Just don’t.” 

“What?” Your voice was low, anger rising. 

Hoseok shrugged. “Just forget it ever happened.” 

“Forget it ever happened?!” You exclaimed. “I can’t.” You shook your head, the memory of the kiss pushing its way back into your head. No. That wasn’t why. “I can’t lie to him. You’re asking me to lie to him?” 

“It’s not lying, it’s just not telling him something happened. He’s oblivious to it anyways.” 

“What the hell?” You couldn’t begin to explain why you felt so frustrated. So offended. “I can’t do this.” You voice shook. You were blowing up. “I was happy before last night. Like really happy, and now everything is ruined because you kissed me!” He stayed silent. You couldn’t read his expression. 

“Like jeez,” you laughed in frustration. “It doesn’t make sense, Hoseok. You were encouraging me to give him another chance and now what, you like me?” You mocked, instantly regretting it by the way his face fell. 

“Is that funny to you?” He scoffed. “Is the possibility I like you so hilarious you feel the need to laugh in my face?” Oh no. “Or are you laughing because it seems so crazy? Impossible?” 

You could feel the dread prickling your skin, but all you could do was watch him in horror. “I like you.” The way he said your name afterwards made something inside of you long. You pushed it away, because otherwise your legs might give way from under you. 

“I like you a lot. Way more than a friend and I don’t know for how long.” 

You couldn’t speak. Just watched him struggle to find the right words himself. “It-It’s just one of those things. You came into my life like a bulldozer and I kept thinking, how had I gone through nearly thirty years of my life not knowing you?” He scoffed. “It sounds stupid, but it’s true. Slowly I just began thinking maybe one day it’ll be our chance. It wasn’t urgent. Just kinda there in my subconscious. Most of the time I didn’t even think about it.” He shrugged. “I was okay with waiting. Okay with watching you date other guys because it wasn’t our turn yet. One day,” he sighed. “One day it would be, and I’d get to kiss you like last night.” 

The kiss was back behind your eyes. The feeling of his lips, the taste of his mouth. The touch of his body. For some reason you were angry. 

“That game messed it all up and I’m sorry for that, but I’m not sorry for kissing you. I won’t apologise for that.” 

“No.” You finally said something. It was final, but your voice shook. “No. You can’t be doing this right now, Hoseok.” You pointed at him, accusing him. “I’m happy. For the first time in a long time I was happy. I like Seokjin. He’s the first guy I’ve really felt something with since Seungwoo. Do you know how important that is?” He should understand that more than anyone, with what happened with Minah. 

“You expect me to throw it all away because one day you see yourself with me? One day?!” You were a goddamn after thought. One of those pacts friends made. If we’re still single at 40 we’ll get married. Was that what you were to him? You blinked away frustrated tears. He was one of your best friends and that’s how he saw you? 

“Oh, please,” he sneered. He sounded hurt, but mad. You’d never seen him angry before. You hated it. You’d bickered many times, but never to this level. “You’re always choosing shitty men.” 

“You’ve known me for a year!” 

“Yeah, and in that time it hasn’t been great,” he scoffed. You thought of the handful of men Hoseok had witnessed you date and cringed. He was judging you. Two could play at that game. Childish or not. 

“Oh, and you have such a great taste in woman. If I remember correctly, one robbed you after you slept with her!” 

“That could’ve happened to anyone!” 

Whatever. “Seokjin is not a shitty man!” He was kind, and sweet, and probably way too good for you. 

“You were his fuck buddy for weeks and when you told him you had feelings for him he ran away only to come back with his tail between his legs. He had his chance and he blew it. You deserve better.” 

“You were the one who told me to go for it!” You exasperated. He wasn’t making sense. He was the one who encouraged you to give Seokjin a second chance. Without Hoseok, you wouldn’t be together right now. 

“I regret that now. What more do you want me to say?” 

Really? You stared at him. “I want you to say you don’t know anything.” 

“I don’t know anything?” 

“Yes, you don’t know anything about anything.” He just said things, did things, without thinking of the consequences. He was thoughtless. “Seokjin might’ve been the one, but now it’s all ruined!” 

“He’s not.” 

Fuck him. He sounded so sure. What did he know? “It’s ruined because of you!” You shouted in frustration. “I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to feel.” All you could remember was the kiss. “I was happy and now I’m not.” 

“Well I’m sorry for making you unhappy,” he sighed. “That’s what I do.” He threw his hands into the air and laughed bitterly. “I’m sorry for thinking me and you could be something great. I’m sorry for not having my life together. Not being rich, or for not being devilishly handsome—which I may add,” he shot, “is freaky. No man should be that beautiful!” 

For god’s sake. What was he trying to do now? Guilt trip you? “What are you going on about? Those are your insecurities. I don’t care about all that stuff.” Was he trying to say you were shallow? 

“Of course you do,” he insisted. “Seokjin has it all. What do I have? Nothing. I’m 30 and work at a bar. I dropped out of law school and forget to shower some days. I don’t own my own home. I live in a loft with two other guys and you.” 

You? Why did he say it like that? For someone who supposedly liked you he wasn’t doing a good job of showing it. From the seems of things he didn’t like you. 

“Do yourself a favour and just don’t tell him. Forget about me and be happy. Fall in love with him, marry him, have tons of super pretty babies.” 

Jaw tight, you sneered. “This is why we wouldn’t work out.” You told him. “You’re childish.” He wasn’t relationship material. He wasn’t what you were looking for. “You’re selfish. You’re mean.” 

He scoffed. “I’m mean?” 

Your bottom lip wobbled, eyes filling up. “Yeah, you really are.” And then you stormed off. Down the hall and into your room. Just in time to hide the tears that slipped down your cheeks. He couldn’t see you cry. He couldn’t see he’d gotten to you. 

He yelled your name, calling you back, sounding regretful, but you didn’t listen and he didn’t follow you. 

The next morning you didn’t see Hoseok at all. He was either in his room when you finally emerged from yours, or he was already at the bar. You were thankful either way. You didn’t think you could handle facing him. You were still so mad, but more than that you were upset. Confused. 

You showered and got ready with a struggle. Forced yourself to go grocery shopping even though you had no appetite for food, and then you just tried to keep yourself distracted. You caught up with some marking that needed to be done by tomorrow, meal prepped for lunches and tried to seem normal around Namjoon who was milling about the loft too. Then Seokjin messaged your asking if you still wanted to hang out this evening. You replied yes with a heavy heart. 

On your way there you’d convinced yourself that you weren’t going to tell him. Yes, you had kissed Hoseok back, but he was the one that had made the move. You could forget about it with time. You could be happy with Seokjin again. Your guilty conscience would go. 

But sitting with him on the sofa, his arm looped around your shoulders and his soft laugh rumbling in your ears every time something funny happened in the movie you were watching, you realised something. The only reason you didn’t want to tell him was because you wanted to spite Hoseok. You were being selfish. The same thing you’d accused Hoseok of last night. 

Seokjin deserved to now, whatever the outcome. For him, for you, for Hoseok… 

“I kissed Hoseok.” 

It didn’t sound like your voice, but you’d said it. 

You felt Seokjin move and you automatically wriggled out from under his arm. He paused the movie, looking back at you with a bemused expression. “You kissed him?” He laughed slightly. “Why didn’t time say? We would’ve left you out sooner.” 

He’d mistaken what you meant. Just like Joy. You closed your eyes softly, sadness filling you. You wanted to say yes, in the game more than anything, just not to hurt him, but that wasn’t the truth. You’d kissed Hoseok off your own back and you’d enjoyed it. “No,” you said softly. “We kissed after the party. Later on when I went to get some water. He kissed me, but I kissed him back.” You didn’t take a moment to pause, needing it all to be out. 

Seokjin was silent as he absorbed the information. Shocked being a given. Finally he said something. “You kissed him while I was in the loft too? In your bed?” 

When he worded it like that you felt sick. You nodded sadly. “I feel terrible, Seokjin. I do. I just couldn’t not tell you. Hoseok said to forget it ever happened but I… It–We…” You fumbled over your words and took a moment to compose yourself. “We argued last night and I’m just… I’m really confused.” 

Two nights ago everything had changed. You’d been in this perfect new relationship. It had promise, it was going somewhere and you were over the moon. Then the kiss had happened and you hadn’t been able to see a future with Seokjin anymore. No matter how small. 

His face was unreadable as he looked at you. You wanted him to get mad. You wanted him to yell at you and tell you how much of a horrible person you were. You deserved it. But that wasn’t his style. Instead he breathed out some kind of little laugh. “There’s no need to be confused. I get it now. You like Hoseok. Of course you do.” 

You were too surprised to even think about refuting him. Of all the things for him to say, you had not been expecting that. “Seeing you guys together,” he carried on. “You always bicker, get on one another’s nerves, but now I see it.” He chuckled. Sadly amused. “It was chemistry. You two just bounce off one another so well. I don’t know, maybe you’re frustrated too, mad you’re not together.” 

You let his words sink in. Trying to think of every interaction you’d had with Hoseok since you met him. It was pretty much an instant connection. You’d always thought so, but did that really mean… You couldn’t let yourself think here. In front of Seokjin, after you’d just confessed to him. But everything was flooding to the forefront of your brain, and it was hard work trying to stop it. There was no point trying to deny it. Not now. 

“I never wanted to hurt you,” you told him instead. Meaning it sincerely. You hadn’t even realised anything yourself. Not even when it was right in front of you. When Hoseok was telling you he liked you. 

He smiled sadly. “Better for it to happen now, right?” 

“I really care about you, Seokjin. These past few weeks have been amazing. Even before, when we were…” You stopped and shook your head. “You’re the best and I’m really sorry.” You truly did mean that. No matter how lame it sounded. 

“You’re a really great girl, remember that,” he told you. “Maybe if I’d figured out my feelings months ago things would be different, but then again,” he shrugged, “maybe you’re just meant to be with him.” 

Meant to be with him. Hoseok. Were you meant to be with Hoseok? 

Seokjin took you hand and squeezed it gently. “I’m done,” he murmured, his eyes kind but firm. “I don’t want to be second best.” 

.

.

You had déjà vu. You were slipping through the door again. This time you didn’t try to creep into your room though. You made your way into the kitchen, needing a glass of water. Just to take some time for yourself, needing to find some clarity. You found it as soon as your eyes landed on Hoseok walking from the direction of the bathroom. Everything fell into place, began to make sense. 

He stopped dead when he saw you, awkward and probably panicked after last night. “Hey,” you said gently. “Where is everyone?” It was strange for the loft to be so quiet on a Sunday night. 

He cleared his throat. “Namjoon has Nara over, Yoongi‘s still over Joy’s place.” He was already beginning to walk away.  “I’ll be out of your way, just going to bed.” 

You opened your mouth to call him back. You had so much to say, but… But was tonight a good time to start? Your head was still whirring. Sadness and guilt over your breakup with Seokjin but you also felt giddy at the sight of Hoseok. You wanted to say sorry for the argument, for all the things you said, and most of all you wanted to tell him that you—

“Aren’t you supposed be staying with Jin tonight?” Hoseok had stopped, turning back with the afterthought. “Namjoon mentioned it.”  

He didn’t need to explain himself. You didn’t care how he knew. You didn’t care about a lot right now. Only one thing. “He broke up with me,” you replied. “I told him about the kiss and now it’s over.” 

Hoseok’s eyes bulged, visibly shocked. “What? Didn’t you tell him it was my fault?” He walked over to you. There was still a distance but it was a start. “No,” he muttered. “Why would he break up with you? It’s not your fault.”

Sweet, caring Hoseok. You smiled at him, the words that left you almost bubbling into a laugh. “It is.” 

He looked mighty confused. He was probably thinking you’d lost it right now. You hadn’t. You’d only just found it. You took a deep breath. It was now or never. “It’s my fault because I like you too.” 

Silence. He looked stunned. It seemed strange to say it out loud but also sort of invigorating. Nothing made sense in this world, bar one thing. Your feelings for him. You laughed, more words now rushing out. “I really like you. And I don’t know for how long. Maybe from the beginning,” you shrugged, “maybe from the kiss. I don’t know.” 

You’d been trying to pinpoint the exact moment on the ride home. Going through each memory you had with him in an attempt to understand when it happened. There was no real answer. It had snuck up on you, wanted you to be oblivious. And you think that was how it was for him too. Why last night had been so confusing. 

You were mad at him because you liked him too. You were mad at him because you thought he didn’t like you enough. He didn’t like you like he thought he liked you. God, you were a mess. Your thoughts weren’t making sense. What were you trying to say?

“I don’t know,” you repeated. “My head’s a mess and I really have a headache right now.” You rubbed your temples and then remembered something. “I also have a flat tyre. I think I drove over a nail on the way here. I don’t know how I’m going to get to work tomorrow morning.” 

“You could borrow my ca—

“Hobi, I don’t care.” You interrupted, laughing again. You felt funny, like you were floating. It felt good to call him that again. “I don’t care about anything right now, except you.” His eyes flashed at that, something changing on his face. He moved forward, closer to you. The counter was the only thing that separated you now. 

“I don’t understand anything and I’m really confused, but I know one thing,” you insisted, finally giving into the urge that had been raging your body for nearly two days. “I really want to kiss you.” You swallowed, tasting the memory of him. “Again. I can’t stop thinking about the kiss. It was the best kiss of my life.” 

He rounded the counter in the blink of an eye. He’d stayed silent for the majority of your confession, except for offering you his car, the idiot. You almost laughed again; why was he so sweet? Yeah, you would’ve laughed if he didn’t look so irresistible right now. So serious, so desperate, so intense. He was breathing heavily, almost panting, eyes blown black. 

“Can I kiss you now?” His voice was rough, broken with desire. 

You parted your mouth to reply. To say yes, to say please, to almost beg, but his lips were already on yours, hands cupping your face. Hungry, needy, eager. He pushed you against the counter your back was to, and you let out a gasp, maybe more of a moan. He took the opportunity to swipe his tongue against yours. He tasted like toothpaste. You hated spearmint, but now you loved it. 

You grasped him, letting your hands roam over his back. You wanted to touch him, feel him, never let him go. You grabbed the corners of his t-shirt with your fists and pulled him closer. He stumbled forward and your head feel back against one of the overhead cupboards. You didn’t care, clung to his mouth as he tried to pull back and check on you. “Don’t stop,” you whined against his lips. 

He chuckled but it trembled, probably had something to do with the way you were pressing your body into his. He gave up in the end, needing to get his hands on you too. He moved to your waist, hands gripping around the small of your back, holding you tight and pushing just as much into you, because he wanted to feel you against him too. To get as close as possible because there had always been a stupid, unnecessary distance between you. 

You felt hot, a little sweaty and out of breath, unsure how a kiss had got you this wrecked. It was just as good as his birthday—no, better. It was better because now you both knew what you wanted. 

“Hey—I know—this isn’t r-really the–mm–time,” Hoseok was trying to speak but he couldn’t stay away from your lips long enough. Words blurred and getting caught short, but you just kissed him more furiously. “But I really f-feel guilty about—last night. All the–the stuff I said–”

“It’s fine,” you got out, but it was enough to begin distracting you. 

He pulled back successfully, gazing at you, eyes warm and sincere. His breath fanned across your face. “I just feel really bad about all that stuff I said about Seokjin. He’s a good guy, I just—

“Let’s not speak about him now,” you interrupted softly. You took a deep breath, slipping your hands up his sides to rub his back. You were both coming down from that high slowly. 

He sighed weakly. “Yeah, I know, I just,” he paused, struggling, before giving a small shrug. “I was jealous of him.” 

“It’s okay,” you reassured. But now Seokjin was back in your head. The guilt was still there. Of course it wouldn’t go immediately, no matter how understanding he had been. But these emotions were conflicting. Plus, you knew you and Hoseok couldn’t be this simple. There was still so much to talk about. From both of you. 

“We need to talk before anything happens, right?” He read your mind. You smiled and nodded, feeling a little sad. 

And right at that moment a familiar banging appeared again. You caught Hoseok’s eyes and you both burst out laughing. Trust Namjoon to ease the moment.   

Hoseok pulled you upright, wrapping his arms around your waist now in a slight hug. You wrapped yours around his neck and he grinned. “We should go on a date tomorrow. We can talk then.” Your eyes widened. A date? Hoseok didn’t do dates. Not proper ones anyway. 

“I want to to this properly.” Again with the mind reading, you smiled to yourself. “I’ll take you out for dinner and we can, I don’t know, talk about what this means.” 

You grinned, Namjoon’s headboard still hitting the wall. “I’d really love that.” 

You were giddy all day. Couldn’t concentrate in work. You were still replaying last night in your head. After the kiss you’d watched some television together, like you always did on Sunday nights. You sat close, but not entwined, too afraid Namjoon would pop out of his bedroom—hopefully fully clothed. You couldn’t explain why that fear hadn’t been there when Hoseok had your back against the counter, but whatever, you weren’t ready for the weirdness that would unfold, nor the conversations that would need to be had. You hadn’t even talked it out yourselves yet. 

That was for tonight. Hoseok had text you just gone midday to tell you he’d gotten his shift for tonight covered and he’d booked dinner at a restaurant for 8pm. After that it had all felt too real. You were nervous, scared and excited all wrapped up into one. You were going on a date with Hoseok. Your friend Hoseok. The one who you’d bumped into this morning in the kitchen. The one who’d handed you a coffee with a shy good morning because he couldn’t say anything else with Namjoon rummaging around in the fridge next to you, totally oblivious. 

And later on, once you were home, getting ready for the date was a whole new experience all together. You know, living with the guy in question and all. You bumped into one another in the bathroom, brushing your teeth together with awkward giggles. He met you outside of your bedroom once you were dressed, eyes wide, cheeks a little flushed at the sight of you. Maybe the fact you were dressed up for him now turned him speechless. “You look beautiful,” he’d managed to splutter finally. 

He didn’t scrub up too badly himself. He was in a shirt for one. Loose at the neck, no tie, but a shirt nonetheless. And dress pants. Where exactly was he taking you? You didn’t have time to ask because you had to ninja your way out of the loft before you got caught. 

Dinner started off awkwardly at first. Stumbling over words, small talk drying up, lots of nervous laughter, but gradually you both found your groove. How could you not? It was you and Hoseok! All the history and chemistry you had didn’t just disappear because of one date. You were soon giggling together when you noticed a man accidentally walk into the women’s restroom. Childish, yes, but who cared? That’s who you and he were. 

By the main course you were both ready to open up, talk about you guys and what this meant. 

“I’m sorry about yelling the other night,” he apologised, pushing some spinach around his plate absentmindedly. 

You gave a little shrug.  “It’s okay. I’m sorry too. I was mad at myself more than anything.” 

“No,” he shook his head. “You don’t have to do that.” 

“Do what?” 

“Blame yourself.” He looked across at you. “You were mad because I kissed you when you had a boyfriend. I mean, it was a pretty dick-y thing to do and I feel really bad about it.” 

You smiled, that meant a lot to you. It was a complicated situation. The suddenness of it all the sole problem. 

You didn’t want to talk about Seokjin. You didn’t want to compare the two men, even though throughout the day your mind had tried to. In all honestly, both were very different, but both were good men. There was no winner, there was no loser. It just happened that you couldn’t ignore this chance with Hoseok. Not when he had been there first. Maybe looking at it now, you and Seokjin were different kinds of people. Maybe the relationship wasn’t as perfect as you’d thought. Not your perfect anyway. It could’ve worked out yes, but you knew he deserved someone better than you. Someone different to you. 

You realised something at that moment. Seokjin had always found your quirkiness adorable, but Hoseok found it normal. You didn’t know what that meant, but it made sense in your own head. It made you happy. You were here, in front of one another, on a date. Nothing else mattered.  

“If you hadn’t have done it we wouldn’t be here right now.” You told him. It was no good just thinking everything in your head. You needed to tell Hoseok some things. You wanted to tell him how happy you were. “On a dateee.” 

He laughed, relaxing into his chair. “We’re on a date!” 

He couldn’t quite believe it still. You laughed at how cute he was being and looked around. “You chose the fanciest place.” 

“Yeah,” he murmured, looking a little sheepish. “Did I go over the top? Feel like I did.” He stopped and then laughed. “I hope your heels aren’t too high, we gotta run outta here when they fetch the bill.” 

“Hobi,” you whined. He didn’t need to make a joke like that. Then you thought of something else. You hoped he didn’t take you here because he thought you expected it. Any restaurant would’ve done. “Hey,” you said softly. “I hope you don’t still believe all that stuff about you just being a bartender.” He shrugged a little sheepish. “I teach adults how to write fiction and I’m not too hot at it. Half of them are failing.” 

He chuckled at that, picking up his glass of wine. “I think the problem probably lies with them not you.” 

You looked at him, needing him not to laugh this off. You wanted him to see you didn’t care what job he had. “My point is, my job isn’t all that glamorous. It doesn’t have to be.” You thought he liked his job. It should never be used as something to separate you. 

He sighed softly, giving in. “I’m sorry I laid all that stuff on you. They’re my insecurities not yours. It’s just after… Just after the breakup with Minah. The stuff she said to me really stuck.” 

You reached for one of his hands, grasping is fingers. The warmth was all you needed. “I get that.” You still had some insecurities left over from your breakup with Seungwoo, but with Hoseok none of those things mattered. “I’m sorry for calling you childish, and selfish.” 

“And mean. Don’t forget mean,” he joked. 

“And mean.” You looked away sheepishly, before realising you needed to look him in the eyes for this. “I don’t want you to be insecure around me. I like you for you.” 

He chuckled quietly, squeezing your hand. “Thank you.” 

“I think it’s cool that you work at a bar.” You wanted to lighten the moment now, shrugging. “But maybe that’s because of the free drinks you give me.” 

He laughed, both of you pulling your hand back to carry on eating. “I’m actually not allowed to do that, but you’re so pretty how could I not?” 

You felt your cheeks flush at his casual remark. “You think I’m pretty?” 

“Very much so. Plus other things…” 

You smiled shyly. “I find you pretty too. Huh?” You noticed the face he pulled. “Is that not a good thing?” 

“I’m not pretty,” he baffled. 

“Are too.” You insisted. You’d always thought so, especially when he smiled. “I think you’re sexy too. Very sexy.” 

“Oh yeah?” He seemed to like that one better. “What’s so sexy about me?” 

You looked down at his wine. It wasn’t the right alcohol, but it made you remember something. “I like the way you drink beer. You gargle it a little.” 

“I do?” He looked puzzled. 

“Yeah, you do, and I don’t know, it’s kinda hot.” He looked chuffed at that. “What about me?” You added. 

“Hm,” he thought out loud. “It’s not really sexy, maybe a little misogynistic,” he laughed, “but I like when you struggle to open things. Like that bag of chips last week. When you ask for my help, I don’t know, it makes me feel good about myself.” 

It made him feel good when he opened a bag of chips for you? You awed loudly. “That’s so sweet, Hobi.” 

He scoffed, a little embarrassed. “Oh.” He remembered something. “I like when guys mistake me for your boyfriend.” 

You cocked an eyebrow. “Oh yeah? I like that too. And vice versa.” You had never been able to pinpoint why in the past. It was usually gone before you could even try to explain it, but it had still been there. Numerous times. You’d just been clueless. 

“Isn’t this scary?” You asked. It was new and exciting, and you were happy, but it was also weird to be here. Sat opposite your friend, your roommate… the man you had feelings for. The man who up until a few nights ago, had a crush on another woman. No wonder he hadn’t really cared when Namjoon asked if he could bone Nara. And he, well he was sitting opposite you, who up until last night had a boyfriend. Talk about whiplash. This was crazy. 

“It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever done,” he admitted. 

“We’re like best friends, but is it because we’ve always had feelings for one another?” 

Hoseok upturned his shoulders. “I honestly have no clue. It makes sense, but…” 

“But at the same time it doesn’t?” You finished for him. He nodded. If he had never kissed you that night, then this wouldn’t be happening right now. Maybe it would’ve never happened. You would’ve kept missing one another. The moment never there for him and you probably oblivious until it was too late… 

But that wasn’t the case now. You were both here. Suddenly and maybe not in the best of circumstances, but you were here. That’s all that mattered. Was there really such a thin like between friendship and lovers? You tried imagining kissing Namjoon but couldn’t do it. It made you feel weird. Not the same weird you’d felt locked in the closet with Hoseok. 

“I don’t want to ruin what we have already but I can’t ignore these feelings I have for you.” Hoseok explained. “I’ve been repressing them for so long they’re uncontrollable.” He chuckled. 

“Same. I think.” You were beginning to realise that love didn’t have to punch you in the face immediately for it to be the real thing. “If I ignore how I feel about you I’ll spontaneously combust. I know it. I will.” These feelings had hit you full force and now you couldn’t ignore them even if you tried. 

He chuckled at your passion. “I don’t want you to spontaneously combust.” A thought popped into his head. “What will Yoongi say? Namjoon?” He groaned, rubbing his temples.  “What do we even tell them?” 

“Maybe we won’t tell them for a little while?” You suggested. You didn’t want to share this new, uncertain thing with other people just yet. The loft wasn’t the best set up in this situation. “Just until we work out what’s going on between us?” 

“Like keeping it a secret?” 

“I know it’s not ideal but I don’t want to mess this up.” He nodded, agreeing with you. “If we try and fail our friendship could get ruined. That terrifies me, Hobi.” You wanted to be honest here. All cards on the table. “I love you a lot. I don’t want to jeopardise anything.” 

“Hey, hey, nothing will get ruined, I promise you,” he reassured, reaching for your hand with both of his. “We’ll take it as slow as you want. This is new and if we do it properly then everything will be okay in the end.” He gave you a gentle smile. “Whatever the outcome. If we decide to move forward or decide to just stay friends, we’ll be okay.” 

Maybe that’s why you’d never realised your feelings for him. Why he’d never said anything. Your friendship meant too much to one another. If that was ruined somehow it would kill you both. But it didn’t have to be like that. If you both saw the potential danger, you could avoid it best you could. You shouldn’t be thinking of the potential end if it was only just the beginning. 

“You’re right,” you smiled back. 

Letting go of your hand he relaxed back into the chair again. “But for tonight, let’s think of this as a new thing. It’ll take the pressure off us.” 

“How do you mean?” You asked, curious. He had a giant smirk on his face. 

He shrugged. “Maybe we met on Tinder. Decided to go for a drink.” 

Oh. Okay, you saw where he was going. A little bit of make believe. That sounded fun. You and Hoseok always messed around like this. Why would it change? “Yeah,” you nodded, getting into it instantly. “We liked what we saw. I liked the way you dress.” 

He snorted. “You hate my dress sense. You told me I dress like a twenty year old hipster.”  

“I like it!” You insisted. You mean, in your defence you’d only said that because he’d said you dressed like a granny. He’d started it. 

“Thank you.” He was satisfied, you both could commence. “I liked your glasses. Reminded me of the librarian kink I had in high school.” 

“Eww.” You wrinkled your nose. “Weirdo.” You both laughed loudly. 

.

.

“Goodnight, pretty lady. I’ll see you in the morning,” Hoseok murmured. The night was over, the loft was empty, the guys probably already in bed, when you got back and you both walked down the hallway to your rooms, stopping outside to say goodnight. 

“Lame,” you scoffed, but he could tell by your face you loved it. “Night.” 

He leaned in for a kiss. It seemed like he was trying to keep it brief, nothing like last night or two nights before that, but no matter how hard he tried, it lingered. It was painful pulling apart and walking into your bedroom. You knew he was trying to be chivalry, and patient, and whatever else, but there was an itch inside you that screamed to be relieved. 

You pressed the back of your head up against the door, closing your eyes and taking a few breaths. Praying the desire you felt would ebb away. You heard movement from the other side. 

“Slow, we should take this slow.” Hoseok almost whined from outside.  

You opened your eyes immediately and flung the door open. You were on him in an instant, kissing him eagerly. Thankful your rooms were the other side of the loft from Namjoon’s and Yoongi’s. There would he no explaining this, and you didn’t want to share this with anyone else yet. Not to be careful, not just in case, like you’d originally thought, but because you were selfish. You wanted Hoseok for yourself. 

“I really want you. Like so bad,” you panted, hands all over his body. You wanted him out of his shirt. Out of his pants. Thoughts and images jumped into your mind. You were a woman possessed. “I’ve waited too long already. Please.” 

“Don’t beg like that.” His voice was so low, maybe even a growl, and it did things to you. 

You didn’t want to take this slow. Everything was already perfect. No matter what had happened to get here, it was all perfect now. 

You couldn’t wait a moment longer. You needed to be with him. 

“Pleaseee,” you said purposefully. 

He growled this time. For real. “I said don’t–ah, fuck it!” You exclaimed out loud as he picked you up from the middle, legs dangling alongside his as he walked into your room. He let go and cupped your face tight. He was breathing heavily. “I really want this, I really like you. I’m sure of it. Now that this is finally happening. Now I finally had the guts to make a move. This is for real.” 

You blinked. “Forreal for real?” 

“Yeah,” he murmured. “Never been more certain of anything in my entire life.” 

And then he was kissing you again. You never wanted it to stop. With shaky hands you took his and began to lead him backwards towards your bed…

*bonus* 

“Morning,” Hoseok smiled from above you. 

You’d only just woken up, eyes still blurry, but you rubbed them and rolled onto your back. “Good morning,” you smiled back. 

He rubbed his hand over your waist under the covers, now grinning like he couldn’t stop it. “We did that.” 

You were still naked. So was he. What a thought. “We really did that.” 

“Twice.” 

You hummed, reliving last nights antics. It was just so natural. The sex you mean. No awkwardness, no nerves. It was just…perfect. Giggling and messing around, just like you were as friends. Nothing had changed. Only now you were probably going to be bumping uglies on the regular… It was only right to make a new suggestion now. “Wanna make it a third?” 

“Thought you’d never ask,” he laughed, dipping his head to kiss your neck. You let yourself sink, closing your eyes and enjoying the moment until you remembered something. 

“Wait, wait—!” Your eyes flew open. “What’s the time?” 

Hoseok stopped and looked back, craning his neck to catch the time on your alarm clock. “Twenty past 7.” 

You groaned. “I have a class in 2 hours.” 

“Uhh,” he started awkwardly, pecking your lips. “This is new n’ all but I don’t want to get your hopes up so early into this. I will never be able to last two hours. You’ll be fine. You won’t miss class,” he chuckled. 

“Shut up,” you groaned, kissing him just to roll him on his back. The thought of leaving this bed today was depressing. “I’m just going to call in sick anyway.” You told him, pulling away.

He stroked his fingers through your hair, smirking. “Oh, a bad girl, huh?” 

You narrowed your eyes. If he wanted you to be bad, you could be bad. “Get a condom, Jung.” 

[nahimjustfeelingit-writes]

Imagine:

Reader feeling neglected because Erik works too much.

Warning: Mentions of SMUT, Bratty, fluff, short imagine

It was hard for Y/N to understand that her man, Erik Stevens, was such an influential and important man in Oakland and Wakanda. Being the prince of Wakanda and the CFO of the Wakandan Outreach Center has him working long nights, traveling, and exhausted whenever he got home. In the beginning, Y/N didn’t have a problem with Erik taking on this huge responsibility but now, she couldn’t stand it.

She hated feeling jealous and neglected whenever she saw him on TV or got a FaceTime call from him that he won’t be home until around 8 PM because of an important meeting. Food sitting in the microwave growing cold, their favorite show airing on TV and now she couldn’t fully enjoy it because he wasn’t home, and let’s not forget the kisses, hugs, cuddles, nasty talk from her man, and the mind blowing sex. No sex so far for a few weeks. Not one “I’m sorry” and “I’ll make it better” from him fixed how she felt. It was so bad to the point that she wished she didn’t quit her job as a Flight Attendant to be with him. He traveled more than her. Currently, Erik was in Washington DC with his assistant and that boiled Y/N’s blood.

Erik’s assistant, Nivea, didn’t know a thing about personal space. Whenever Y/N would go to the Outreach to have lunch with Erik, Nivea would be in his office, sitting on the edge of his desk laughing and giggling when she should be working. Y/N could see right through her, the chick was feeling her man heavy. What if they stayed on the same floor in the hotel and she slipped into his room at night? Y/N couldn’t help but to think bad thoughts.

It was around 8:50 PM, Y/N decided to get out of bed and cook Erik’s favorite meal, Jamaican Oxtails with butter beans. Besides sleeping in his dress shirts that fit her like a nightgown, cooking Erik’s favorite meals always made her feel better. She set the timer on her Crockpot before walking towards their living room to sit back and listen to their “Nasty” Playlist. Y/N put it on shuffle play and the first song that played was The Dream- lV Play. Now, she was having flashbacks to when her and Erik had sex to this song. It was in the back seat of his Lamborghini Urus. She could still feel all of him going deep inside of her while she rode him to the beat.

“I miss my baby!” Y/N whimpered, hiding her face in a pillow, “WE miss our baby,” She spoke to her pussy which was currently wet and in need of attention. Her favorite vibrator that she nicknamed Home Alone didn’t even entice her. She was so sick of using that vibrator on her clit. That’s what happens when you haven’t had a mouth on your pussy. If it was 9:10 PM in Cali it had to be about 12:10 AM in DC. Her man was probably knocked out, sleeping naked like he preferred with the windows open and his blanket wrapped around his waist. Now she was picturing him in his durag. That shit drove her crazy.

“Ugh, fuck it,” She hadn’t talked to him since earlier that day when they left a live conference. Y/N grabbed her phone, paused her music, and called Erik. It rang twice before the line clicked.

“Hello?”

Y/N felt her heart sank to her stomach.

“Nivea? Why are you answering Erik’s phone-where is my man?”

“I can’t hear you quite clear...are you breaking up?”

“Nivea,” Y/N spoke with warning. She felt her nerves spark, “Put. Erik. On. The. Phone. NOWW.”

“Huh?” She spoke with a confused voice.

“BITCH! PUT ERIK ON THE FUCKING PHONE!”

The line clicked.

“Are you serious?!” Y/N dialed the number back, her leg shaking and breathing deep. She wanted to punch a hole in the wall. It rang and rang until it reached his voice mail.

Beep.

“DO YOU WANT ME TO CATCH A FLIGHT? WHY IS NIVEA ANSWERING YOUR DAMN PHONE, ERIK?”

She hung up.

“Oh my GODD,” Y/N groaned loudly. She decided to FaceTime call Erik to see if he would pick up that way. She watched her phone screen with pure rage. No response.

“Fuck that I’m blowing your shit up since you want to have bitches answering your phone.”

She couldn’t keep track with how many times she called Erik. It had to be a little over 20. To alleviate her stress, Y/N got up to check on the Oxtails. She was hoping that would make her feel better but the smell of the tasty food made her think about Erik. She was really considering catching a flight to DC and confront him in person. Why would he have another woman answering his phone? Especially when your woman is home alone and missing you like crazy.

Ring Ring

The moment Y/N heard her phone ringing she closed the crockpot and ran to pick it up.

Erik.

“Erik?!” Y/N asked hysterically.

“Baby, what’s up-“

“Don’t what’s up me,” Y/N could feel her hands shaking.

“You called me like...20 times.”

“Yeah, I did. Why the fuck is Nivea answering your phone?”

“Wha-shit, I left my phone with her at our table to talk to T’Challa-“

“What table? And you don’t leave your phone lying around, Erik. That bitch answered your phone!”

“We’re out for drinks right now to celebrate the Outreach in DC-“

“I don’t give a fuck about that! WHY DID SHE- Erik why would you do that?! She hung up on me and everything!” Y/N could feel her voice crack. She was about to cry. Her eyes prickled and her lip trembled. She felt betrayed. If Erik is in DC partying and celebrating she should be there with him. Why did his assistant have to go?

“Baby, Listen, I’ll straighten her out, I promise you that,” Erik tried to put on his smooth voice to calm her down but it wasn’t working. Y/N wanted to rearrange her face.

“You need to fire her is what needs to happen because when I see her I’m beating her ass, Erik. You don’t answer somebody else’s phone especially MY MANS phone you don’t do that-when are you coming home?”

“Not until two days from now,” Erik let out a defeated sigh, “listen, I’ll do whatever needs to be done to fix this. If that means I have to get rid of Nivea as my assistant then I will.”

“That is what it means, Erik, I want you home and I want her gone, okay?” Y/N wipes her eyes.

“I got you, ma, I love you. I’m sorry shit is the way it is right now-“

“I really miss you and I feel like you’ve been neglecting the way I feel about this. I haven’t had you to myself in over two weeks, babe. I want you now.”

“Baby, I can’t leave right now-“

“Make it happen!” She knew she was being bratty but she couldn’t help it. Nivea screwed her up even more.

“Y/N...who are you talking to?”

“YOU. I want you on a flight home now-“

“Ma,” Erik laughs but it was a vicious laugh, “Girl...I understand you’re upset...but don’t talk to me out of pocket. If I take a flight home now I’m spanking that ass into the next day.”

“Whatever,” She laughed loudly to calm her nerves, “You think that shit scares me? I’d be glad to have you spank me at least I have some type of contact from you!”

“Don’t act like a fucking brat over the fucking phone-“ Erik stopped himself, taking meditating breaths, “I am at an important social event, babygirl, I won’t be out of here until maybe 2 in the morning. I have to put on a smile, and ride this shit out until I’m back in my hotel suite. As soon as this suit and tie comes off I will be in bed, FaceTime with you, reciting a fucking love poem if I need to. Hell, I’ll plan a trip right now to Barbados for us in that Villa I have in the mountains. We can get away for weeks. How does that sound?”

All of it sounded promising. Weeks away with Erik to herself. Hikes in the tropics, laying out in the cabana, swims in the ocean, sex under moonlight. That was perfect. Y/N needed Erik to make up for the decrease in affection between them both. He was so hard working and his relationship with T’Challa improved a lot since what happened in Wakanda. Her man was happy about the success and he felt like he was doing something genuinely good this time around. The second time around. Y/N thought about his accomplishments and now she felt like she was being selfish.

“Y/N? Baby?”

“I’m still here...just thinking.”

Erik lowered his voice. Now that she listened closer on the phone, she could hear people in the background and gogo music.

“Daddy fucked up?”

She felt her body go slack, “...No, I’m just being needy that’s all.”

“Nah, ma, Daddy fucking up. How is my baby really doing?”

“Bored. We miss you,” She felt herself blushing.

“Who’s we?”

“This pussy and myself.”

“Oh, damn, baby...why are you doing this to me right now?”

Y/N sat down on the couch, bringing the collar to Erik’s dress shirt to her nose to smell, “Because I miss my Daddy touching me.”

“Baby,” Erik’s voice was so soft spoken, “You are being a very...very...bad girl right now. Be a good girl for Daddy and wait until I get back to my suite.”

“Daddy, I don’t want to be a good girl for you.”

“Don’t make me tell you twice, Y/N.” He warned with a gruff tone.

“Okay,” Y/N pouts. The smell of Erik’s Creed Adventus cologne made her squirm. It felt like he was wrapped around her with his big arms.

“That’s my good girl. I gotta head back, try to stay up for me, you hear me?”

“Yes, Daddy.” Y/N beamed.

“Aww, baby, I miss you so fucking much. I just wanna see you, and hug you, and hold you, and kiss you.”

Y/N couldn’t wait to sit in his lap and feel him get hard for her and show him just how much she missed him. Shit, she would be on her knees in front of the door to suck her Daddy’s dick before he even put his bags down.

“I miss you and I love you too, Daddy,” Y/N kissed Erik through the phone multiple times, “Don’t forget to call me, Daddy.”

“I promise, love. Daddy isn’t going to forget about you.”

“Fuck, baby, I’m craving you.”

Erik laughed, “just imagine how good it’s gonna feel when I fuck that little pussy. Because you’ve been waiting for it for so long I gotta take care of you.”

“Daddy,” she moaned.

“Shit,” Erik grunts, “Aight, I gotta get off this fucking phone. If I don’t ima end up busting a nut at this party and you know what Daddy’s working with so…”

“I don’t need another reason to beat Nivea ass.”

“Behave, Baby, I got this.”

“Mhm, just hurry home. I love you.”

“I love you too, princess.”

She stared at that call ended screen with annoyance. Now Home Alone sounded a lot better this time. He definitely owed her multiple orgasms when he got back.

@tgigoldie​ @soufcakmistress​ @chefjessypooh​ @chaneajoyyy​ @pananegra​ @theblulife​ @becincere​ @blaqwidow91​ @fish-outta-watah​ @eyeknowmywrites​ @crowngold​ @njadakillthiscookie​ @blktinkerbell​ @luvanxi​ @sheisexcellent1​ @chocolatedippedinhoney​ @brandithecrystalgem​ @dababydababydababydababy​ @soulfulbeauty19​ @btitannaaa​ @sunkissedebony97​ @youngblackndgifted​ @harleycativy​ @rbhp​ @thee-germanpeach​ @thadelightfulone​ @bugngiz​ @palmstreesallday​ @skylahb​ @bakaris-shorty​ @nizzle-mo​ @truglori​ @queenflaws​ @ljstraightnochaser​ @nickidub718​ @vikkidc​ @thehomierobbstark​ @rent-emspoons​ @abluestethoscope​ @abeautifulmindexposed​ @fd-writes​ @chasingsunlight​ @sickaddiktions​ @munteanhore​ @xo-goldengirl​ @tiava143​ @33kiara​ @honeytoffee​ @asiasblackworld727​ @momobaby227​ @informalmelancholy​ @soulshinechronicles​

[mushyjellybeans]

Unrequited Part 2 (Bucky Barnes)

Pairings: Bucky x reader, Steve x reader, Thor x reader, Clark Kent x reader, Avengers x reader, DC x reader Summary: You had a major crush on Bucky Barnes, his feelings were unreturned, you try to move on but he has other plans. Warnings: Language, ANGST (I’M SO SORRY), Bucky is an asshole, bad editing, butchered carry on. Word Count: 3,014 A/N: Here’s part 2 that everyone requested. I’ve absolutely butchered this. Some wanted Y/N to move on with Steve and some wanted a DC cross over and I’m not one to disappoint my friends so you have ALL. Please give me feedback, I’m not confident with this at all. A/N #2: I don’t know squat about Superman, I’ve watched Justice League once this past week so it’s based off of that awesome battle at the end. :|  Read Unrequited Part 1: Here Taglists are open // Requests are open

Masterlist

Bucky's glare seemed to follow you around everywhere you went in the tower. His behavior became even more strange after your little talk in your room a few weeks ago, considering his last words he said to you were "I hope we can still be friends." But as the time passed the more you believed he didn't mean it.

You actually did try to make conversation with him a few times in the common room when he was there alone, he would either ignore your existence as usual or storm out of the room.

You just didn't know what to do, you didn't know why he was treating you like this as you couldn't recall actually doing anything wrong. It wasn't against the law to have a crush on someone, right?

He hasn't said a word to you or even made any attempts to fix your friendship which leads you to believe your intuition was right and he just said it to keep you happy.

Happy. Far from what you were feeling, that much you knew.

Wanda told you who his girlfriend was, and you probably shouldn't have been so surprised considering they had a long history and everything, but it didn't stop your heart from wrenching when it was Natasha's name that spilled out during a private conversation you were having at the time.

You made a point in avoiding both of them, recalling all the intimate moments between them when they didn't sense people were looking at them, the glance he spared to her when you were sat next to him on the couch complimenting his gorgeous outfit at the beginning, but it all made sense now.

You had grown closer to Steve over a couple of weeks, you had ended up spilling all your feelings out about Bucky and your tears along with it.

Steve was really disappointed in his friend, told you the Bucky he knew in the 40s was a playboy but he was never a jerk towards a woman.

You spent all of your time together to the point both of your feelings were reciprocated and it was a mutual agreement to try and have a go at things.

But Steve had to go away on a mission with Bucky for 2 months. It was when they came back you knew something was wrong.

Much to your anger, it was Bucky who broke your relationship apart, barely a month in. According to Steve when he sat regrettably on your chair in your room Bucky had talked some sense into him about the whole dating thing and how perfect he would be for Sharon and how you and Steve don't fit together. Steve admitted he wasn't ready and wanted to remain friends instead. Deja vu. You tried to believe Steve, but you knew it was Bucky's sinister plan to make sure you couldn't be happy with Steve.

Your anger overrode your senses and before you knew what you were doing, you were storming down the hallway towards his door, not even bothering to knock.

"What's your fucking problem Barnes?" You yelled as loud as you could, slamming the door open so hard it left a dent in the wall from the doorknob.

Bucky was sitting on the edge of his bed in his boxers, rubbing his tired eyes when you barged in. You would have swooned over the sight if you weren’t so riled up. It took him a minute to realize what was happening.

"What? Cat got your tongue now?" You stalked towards him bravely. His eyes turning dark from your yelling and posture.

"You’re real brave little girl but who do you think you are barging into my room like that?" He yelled back, standing up and puffed his chest out slightly.

"I just wanna know why you hate me so goddamn much. Hate me to the point where you make your personal mission and break me and Steve up." You put your hands firmly on your hips.

"Y/N I don't hate you." He said, calmly?

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Then what, are you jealous or something?" You scoffed, knowing the answer already, of course, he wasn't jealous.

"Or something, yes."

It wasn't a lie either. Bucky had to go away on a mission for two months with Steve, the conversation came up one night about you and Steve being together and Bucky's heart clenched so tightly he was scared he would go into cardiac arrest. Jealously consumed him, the thought of you two in bed together, being intimate and cuddling Bucky hated it, he only realized then he did have feelings for you after all.

Your eyebrows shot up to your hairline. You didn't understand and you didn't want to. It was him after all who spent most of his time pretending you didn't exist, who brushed off your compliments and didn't even want to be friends. He had no right to be jealous and he certainly had no authority to decide who you can date and who you can't. He was with Natasha, so why the hell should he care so much about it.

"You know what James." Venom in your voice as he noticeably winced at the use of his real name. "I'm fucking done here. I don't want anything to do with you, I don't want missions with you, I don't want to talk to you, I don't even want to sit at the same dining table and eat my dinner with you. You have NO right interfering in MY life. Why don't you just go and mind your own goddamn business!" You used long strides to exit his room, slamming the door so hard behind you it shook the doorframe and you knew Tony would lecture you about the disturbance on the floor.

6 months after your confrontation with Bucky, you did exactly as you promised and avoided him like the death plague.

You even cut off all ties with Natasha, just because you would be sick to death hearing about her lovesick romance with the weasel. A subject you had absolutely no interest in hearing about and it was just easier this way.

You grew very close to Wanda if that was even possible. You were practically sisters and you were close to the rest of the guys, distancing a little from Steve but of course, he understood the reasons why.

You went even further and moved onto a new floor, Thor's floor which you were very happy about.

You and Thor became good friends, he was so polite and talked to you in a tone of how a man should talk to a lady, with respect. He kept calling you Lady Y/N, which you absolutely loved and his filthy hammer jokes made you roll on the floor clutching your stomach as you laughed.

He taught you all about Asgard, his brother. He talked a lot about his mother and how much she would have loved you if she was still alive.

Your relationship grew steady, he was aware of the drama that unfolded with Bucky.

You and Thor were relaxing in the common room after a day of showing him around the city and taking pictures with children who recognized the beautiful blond God.

He was wearing a gray shirt, blue jeans and his hair tied back in a bun. Your perfect God and better hair than Bucky, dare you to say.

Some sitcom was running in the background, Thor's arm was around your shoulder and your hand entwined with his. The elevator dinged and usually, you would pull away from Thor but his grip only tightened.

"Thor!" You whispered in a panic state hearing multiple footsteps approaching. He rolled his head towards you and smiled.

"I'm not ashamed of you lady Y/N. Let them see." He whispered back.

"But it could be Bucky."

"All the better." He smirked, watching as Bucky and Nat strolled in, frozen in their spot at the scene in front of them and Bucky's arm wrapped around Natasha's waist made your stomach flip, you really hated the effect he had on you.

Thor noticing your discomfort leaned his head down and grabbed your lips with his own, running his tongue along your bottom lip causing you to gasp audibly.

Thor's eyes watching over your shoulder intently as the seething jealousy evidently on Bucky's face giving him more encouragement to continue, pulling little whimpers from you until Tony's voice called out, "uhh Y/N? You seem to have a God down your throat." A blush rising from your neck to your cheeks. This was the first time you and Thor have been affectionate in front of them.

"Ah hello, team!" Thor greeted with a smirk, standing up and pulling all the guys beside Bucky into a tight hug and roughly patting them on the back.

He turned to Tony and chuckled. "Yes, the man of iron, you are correct sir. I showed her a few tricks with my hammer earlier." He laughed bellowed, earning disgusted groans from everyone while Wanda winked at you.

It wasn't true, you haven't done anything besides kissing and cuddling but you knew he was trying to rile Bucky up and by the quick glance you threw at him, it was working.

"So how long has this been going on for?" Wanda asked, sitting next to you. You just playfully roll your eyes and shift in your seat, well aware of Bucky's eyes on you from across the room.

The avengers were sent on a mission to help another team in a small village in Russia.

Thor had to return to Asgard to help repair the damage that was caused, with a promise he would be back. But it's been 3 years since you've seen him and his return was looking very unlikely.

Much changed in those 3 years. Wanda and Vision were married, Tony and Pepper had a daughter and named her Morgan, Steve and Sharon had just moved in together and you were happy for them, genuinely this time and Bucky and Nat were engaged, and you weren't happy for them. In fact, you prayed to the Asgardian gods that it would rain heavily on their wedding day, or for something to go wrong. Was it mean? Absolutely. Did you care? Absolutely not.

Bucky has hurt you enough, sure he was the victim of Hydra, used to carry out assassinations and did deserve happiness. But the way he treated you was no excuse. If he knew about your crush why didn't he just say something at the beginning instead of making you look and feel like an idiot? Maybe it was a mind game he enjoyed playing so well. He was very manipulative, you knew that much when he had persuaded Steve to break things off and stay as friends. So in your mind and line of thinking you had every right to be pissed off.

You were reading through the case file on the quinjet when you felt the seat next to you occupy itself. From your peripheral vision, you saw the shine from a metal arm and you rolled your eyes.

What does this moron want?

"Can I help you, Sergeant Barnes?" You asked still keeping your head down.

"Just wanna know if you're planning on dating anyone from the new team?" He asked casually, resting his metal arm on his thigh and leaning forward slightly.

Your mouth gaped open and your head shot towards the fossil.

"Why is that your business?"

"I don't want you to date anyone but me." He whispered you were aware Natasha, his fiancée was only a few seats away adjusting her suit.

"What the fu-"

"Look Y/N. Listen to me for a moment. Doll, when I found out about your crush I was with Nat but the more distant we got the more I actually missed you and when Steve told me about you two and I realized something..." he whispered loud enough for only you to hear.

"What's that? You finally grew a pair?"

He shakes his head but keeping eye contact with you.

"I want you Y/N. I wanna be the guy you go to bed with every night. The guy who has you in his arms. I made a mistake. I love you." His eyes glisten and for a moment your mind is blank and you don't fucking understand his demeanor.

He's messing around, your intuition is telling you that much. You're not close enough for him to have feelings for you, he's testing your reaction you're sure of it.

"Now is not the time." You whispered back, he looks pained and you're confused.

He did not mean any of that. He treated me like absolute shit.

"Doll, pleas-"

"Alright team. Suit up let's go. The other team is waiting for us." Steve orders adjusting his shield on his back and everyone on the quinjet nods in understanding.

Stepping off the quinjet, your eyes opened in awe at the beauty of this cute little village, just a couple of shacks around and so much land.

The Avengers were called in to help another team on a mission. You were pretty psyched about meeting them and they were just like the avengers only they were lucky because they didn't have a Bucky.

The sun was just rising behind the trees, the other team was waiting on the desolate field. The first person to greet your team was Bruce Wayne. Another Tony Stark with his money.

"Welcome to Russia." Bruce shook Steve's hand and nodded towards the rest of you.

“Thanks for having us," Steve replied going into details about the mission. Your eyes locked on to a sweet-looking guy in a shirt and jeans with a pair of dark-framed spectacles, you smiled curtly and he returned it melting your heart.

You felt a sharp jab on your right side, Bucky's eyes were burning holes in the side of your head.

"He's no good for you Y/N." He whisper-shouted. Earning a glare from Sam who was on your left.

"Don't you have a fiancée to worry about? Worry about her and leave me alone!" You gritted through your teeth.

Before Bucky could reply, Steve stood in front of you and got everyone's attention. His hands resting on his belt.

"Alright, avengers. Our mission here is to distract Steppenwolf's army while the other guys work on breaking apart the three mother boxes. We're a strong team, hopefully, once those boxes are apart we can defeat Steppenwolf and his army. Tony, I want you and Bruce helping Cyborg with the boxes. Y/N, Bucky, Nat, Wanda, Sam, Clint and myself will be on the ground doing the distracting with Diana and Aquaman. Are we clear?" “Yes, boss.” Tony quipped back sarcastically, earning a few laughs.

Everyone nods understanding the mission key points. Kick-ass but stay alive, easy enough. You wanted to throw up when Nat spontaneously threw her arms around Bucky's neck and kissed him.

Girl, you don't know where that mouth has been.

The mission goes according to plan. Steppenwolf is distracted on the ground just like Steve had planned out. Tony, Bruce, and Cyborg were busy separating the mother boxes above you. His army was never-ending, but it was definitely a mission you couldn't forget anytime soon.

The cute man you smiled at earlier joined near the end, you later recognized him without his spectacles as superman. And after the fight, he had shyly introduced himself as Clark.

The mother boxes were separated and Steppenwolf was defeated by everyone's hand and the boxes were put back where they belonged, both teams flew back to Kansas for the night. The avengers would leave for New York tomorrow after a good night's rest.

"Thank you, avengers, for helping us. We couldn't have done it without you." Bruce stood proudly, patting everyone on the back. "Anytime you need us please don't hesitate to call us." He walked out with his newly established team, Clark stayed behind and motioned to talk to you in private.

"I'm grateful for the avengers coming to help." He said as you two walked behind a closed door.

"Well, it's kinda our job."

He thinks for a moment.

"When do you go back to New York?"

"Tomorrow." You tucked a strand of hair behind your ear and shifted between your feet involuntarily biting and licking your lips.

"Then may I request your presence to join me for a date?" He was charming, you would admit that much.

"Yes, I would like that."

You actually had a great time with Clark. He was sweet, funny and charming and you don't recall laughing as hard on any other date.

Not to mention Kansas was absolutely gorgeous and full of friendly locals.

It was a little after 11pm when you got back to your rented room. 

"How was your date?" A voice asked in the darkness when you opened your door and walked in. 

Turning the lights on and clutching your chest from fright, you glared at the brooding man in front of you sitting on your bed. 

"God, you don't take a hint do you?" You threw your keys on the chest next to the door. "And it was great. He was great."

"Yeah? What's so special about him anyway? A big fucking deal he can fly and all that bullshit." He tutted obviously jealous.

"Well for starters, he's not conceited like you. Secondly, he doesn't tell me he loves me even when he has a fiancée. And thirdly, he didn't treat me like a dog." You lifted your hand, fingers raising as you listed your points. 

"I meant what I said Y/N. I'm gonna make you believe it." He stalked towards you, "stop fucking around with other guys." He whispered close to your ear, "me and Nat are only a pawn. It's you I want and I always get what I want and don't think for even a single there isn't a damn thing I won't do to get you. That's a promise sweetheart." He kisses your cheek and you pull away, shocked by what he just told you. 

How far would Bucky Barnes go to get what he wants? You were afraid to find out.

Permanent Taglist: @morsmordrethings @sebbbystaaan @stuckonjbbarnes @infj-slytherclaw @lovvliies @livylou3333 @zeilenkrieg @iheartsebastianstan @veganfangirl5

And tagging some of the awesome fam: @chloerinebarnes @captain-kelli @valkyriesryde @ficsxreaderr @sandyclaws @dark-night-sky-99 @seb-be-holding-these-tatas (Part 3 is coming soon)

[nice-kill-tanaka]

Hi! I read all your x readers and love them! I especially loved the Bakugou x Rough and Tough Crush, I was wondering if you do a part 2 of that one? Where the squad are trying to get the two together.

Of course Nony! Glad you liked my self indulgent work 🥰

—————

🌄Bakugo + Rough And Tough Crush: Part 2🌌

Looking for the whole set? Take Part 1 right here!

Summary: The Bakusquad gets a little sick of watching you and Bakugo pine after each other in your own...special ways. So, it was decided to devise a plan to get you two crazy kids together!!

A/N: Me, internally: First request, don’t mess it up, first request, don’t mess it up, first request, don’t mess it up, first request, don’t mess it up-

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

💥Katsuki Bakugo💥

Let’s start by looking at your end of the pining stick

When Bakugo started treating you differently (like an equal/rival rather than a hurdle to trample on) your own perspective started to shift

You now knew what it was like to be on Boom Boom Boy’s good side. And if you were being honest? It was fun as hell 🔥🔥

Nothing got under your skin very easily, so you took Bakugo’s aggressive taunts and jeers as petty opportunities to take him up on his challenges

What’s better than a free chance to get stronger??? (Mentally, emotionally, and physically)

It wasn’t very long before you began to find Bakugo’s unwavering passion and drive attractive rather than amusing. You wanted to see more of it, to draw it out, to match it

That wild and determined smirk he used past bared teeth when you bested him would really make you feel some type of way 😳

But Y/N is currently a single-brain-celled bastard in this household

My dude, you don’t even misinterpret your feelings. You're just incapable of giving them a label 😭

You just know that you have warm and fuzzy sensations in your stomach whenever Bakugo is being uniquely himself, which you mistook for indigestion on multiple occasions

Y’all are so freaking dumb it actually hurts 😭😭😭

((^^The Bakusquad’s general consensus on you and Bakugo’s mutual pining))

Which brings us to how the Bakusquad decided to go about bringing you hotheaded lovers together

Kirishima casually suggested that they let you two get together on your own, but was out-voted in favor of putting an end to the infinite frustration that came with watching two people crushing on each other and not doing anything about it

Mina and Jiro thought of the first plan:

They’d have a movie night for everyone in the friend group and Mina would conveniently choose a ✨romance✨ movie. The rest on the squad would think of lame excuses to leave in the middle of the film, leaving only you and Bakugo alone (hopefully on the same couch). If things went well, you two would be together by the end of the movie

Their reasoning was that if the concept of romance was introduced at the right time, you’d both feel more inclined to confess your own feelings 

It seemed feasible enough, so the plan was set into motion

As expected, the moment Mina pulled out the Blue-Ray box, Bakugo started to grumble about how corny the film was gonna be

But, Jiro caught a glimpse of you leaning over and muttering something to Bakugo, out of earshot of everyone else

Immediately, Bakugo began to loosen his shoulders, still not happy about the genre, but more complacent. He slouched into the couch and endured it like an adult

During the movie, especially the more romantic moments, the squad constantly stole glances towards you and Bakugo. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much to look at

Bakugo, in the same position as the beginning, didn’t seem bored, but like he’d rather be doing anything else at the moment. His eyes were glued to the screen in a judgmental stare, but that he dared not say anything to ruin a certain person’s experience

You, however, looked like you were enjoying the movie! However muted your position might have looked. Though you weren’t enjoying it cause it was good. Oh no, you looked like you wanted to ✨a s c e n d✨ into orbit with laughter every ten seconds

For the sake of letting the rest of the Bakusquad enjoy the romance aspect, you limited your actions to biting your fist whenever something hopelessly cringy happened

Any longer than the halfway point, and you would’ve broken down in a fit of hysterical laughter, roasts, and jeers at the screen

Soon enough, the rest of the group made their excuses to leave the room momentarily, disappointed with their results

But, when they came back, something beautiful had occurred 

“Why the hell is she running back to the apartment?? HE CHEATED ON YOU?? KILL ‘IM??”

“SKSKSKS- Okay, but wtf is her FACE?! Is that supposed to be distress?? Freakin’ ahegao faceass.”

Bakugo was deadpan roasting the movie with an amused smirk. While you were coming after it with the gusto of Monoma coming after 1-A, snorting with every comment Bakugo made

Neither of you had even noticed everyone else come into the room

(Apparently, you had told Bakugo earlier that you two can shit on the movie all you wanted once you were alone)

Alright...not exactly the plan. But, possibly a step in the right direction

Sero and Kaminari thought of the next “plan”

I only put quotations, because it’s hardly thought out enough to call it one

It was literally just locking you and Bakugo in a closet 🤡🤡

Don’t worry Sero and Kaminari, I’ll play Taps at your funerals 🎺🎺🎺

You and Bakugo didn’t even have a genuine conversation in the closet...You were too busy yelling various profanities at your friends

“Dude, it’s really FUCKING HOT in here. Let us out while I’m still feeling nice!!”

“I’ll murder you bastards when we get out of here!!! You better start running now.”

Btw, you both ended up making it out of there on your own

You managed to deck the doorknob hard enough to break it off, giving Bakugo enough leeway to blow the door off its hinges

Bakugo took care of Kaminari, while you caught and hogtied Sero with his own tape 

You gave each other congratulatory fist bumps afterwards 😚

Despite the rest of the Bakusquad miserably failing in their schemes, their setups did help develop you and Bakugo’s relationship. Just not as fast as they hoped

You had become a pair that could laugh and fight together. Being each other’s advocate became a source of pride for you both

You were all set to become a romantic couple 

But, what actually brings you together??

Well, it went something like this:

I’m not too sure of the exact details, but I know that you and Bakugo were having an extra intense training session

Things were starting to get a bit sloppy, as your bodies were getting tired, but your morale was just as strong as ever

It could’ve just been a freak accident, or something neither of you saw coming

But, the point is: Either of you could’ve gotten really hurt, had you not been the tough cookies you are

In your perspective, you were oblivious to the danger that you had been in. And if you did know, you didn’t particularly care. You only saw that the person you cared about most in U.A. could’ve gotten hurt

The idea of that happening, and it being your fault (or, not being able to do anything about it) really rubbed you the wrong way. You were mostly angry at yourself

But, you took it out on Bakugo

Because you were the first aggressor, Bakugo responded with what he knew best: Aggression

Yes, he was absolutely mad at himself for putting you in danger. But, what made the feeling worse, was that you refused to acknowledge that you could’ve been injured as well

Your blatant lack of self-preservation pissed him off. Why couldn’t you care about yourself the way he cared about you?!

On the outside looking in, the fighting was far too intense for any peer of yours to try and break it up

Yelling, cursing, but neither of you put your hands on each other (Like you usually did when you play fought)

Strangely enough, I think that’s how you could tell the situation was serious

Finally, your emotions had reached their climax. All caution had gone to the wind at that point

You weren’t even thinking when you yelled the next thing in Bakugo’s face

“DO YOU THINK I’D FUCKING YELL AT YOU IF YOU DIDN’T MEAN THE GODDAMN WORLD TO ME?!”

“WELL FUCK YOU IF YOU THINK THAT YOU’RE ANY LESS IMPORTANT TO ME THAN I AM TO YOU.”

At that moment, you both turned away to storm off before abruptly stopping in your tracks

“What?!” You said in unison, registering what you both had heard and said

You sighed, frustrated at your own stupidity, unclenching your fists and begrudgingly explaining your true feelings to the seething object of your affections

As you spoke, you were realizing just how whipped you were for Bakugo. And how you didn’t know it until you were given the opportunity to blurt it out with pure emotion

Your words weren’t very poetic (You actually sounded very constipated), but what you said was what you felt in its rawest form

Bakugo could hardly think of what to do next. His crush was reciprocated and they confessed first??? Wtf???

His silence made you uncomfortable, and you didn’t feel like blowing up again. You huffed, shoved your hands in your pockets, and turned to stalk away, unsure of what to do next

Before you could completely turn on your heel though, you felt yourself being roughly shoved against a nearby wall

You weren’t even given time to react, because as soon as your back made contact with the wall, a warm, caramel-scented sensation met your lips

The kiss you had just registered didn’t even last two seconds, but the lingering feeling stuck with you as your brain effectively shorted out

“Yo, wh-what was that??”

Bakugo was impossibly red, one hand still on your shoulder, keeping you in place. Even though he refused to make eye contact with you, it was clear that what he had just done was completely intentional

He scoffed, voice barely above a grumble, “Damn dumbass...you didn’t even give me a chance to respond...”

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

[🌌 There you go bud! That’s one set of headcanons for the road. Hopefully it lasts for a while, but if it doesn’t, feel free to come back! I’d be thrilled to see you again.🌄] —Reagan

[rnisa]

Dating Envy Headcanons (part 1 because this has been in my drafts and I don’t feel like finishing it right now)

🦎 Fullmetal Alchemist 🦎

🦎 SFW 🦎

To celebrate me breathing life back into this blog and opening it up to multiple fandoms I'm in, I decided to start by writing for everyone's favourite-to-hate Homunculus, Envy.

This is my first time writing for FMA, so I'll do my best. I'm currently rewatching both 2003 & Brotherhood at the same time, as I loved both series equally. Enjoy! Also, I will generally use they/them pronouns when referring to Envy. If you ask me for 2003 specific, the pronouns will be male, and if you ask me for Brotherhood specific, the pronouns will be gender neutral. This is due to how differently Envy is presented in both shows.

Listen I... I tried to make these cute and romantic but it's fuckin' Envy! That would be too out of character. ANYWAYS I hope these aren't too depressing :,)

Honestly in my opinion, the BEST time to meet/get close with Envy is when they're reduced to the small lizard/work form. I know it's unfair, but seeing as how they can and will kill you in a second... I can see this as one of the, maybe three ways. Envy is vulnerable and if you're in possession of them, very easy to talk to for more than a minute without getting murdered.

So let's imagine instead of May, YOU're in possession of this little green lizard. We've been shown that this small stature doesn't change Envy's shit personality... they'll still do what they can to manipulate you at any turn. We've also been shown their refusal to talk which can be annoying, but with enough time spent with each other (yes, more than three episodes) I can see Envy opening up. By enough time I'm talking...a straight up year of him being a worm.

You have to be strong mentally and do most of the talking/prying. Persistence will get you places. And Envy is...kind of dumb (in Brotherhood), so Envy will be prone to slipping up from time to time.

Over the course of you getting to know each other, Envy will largely remain observant. He'll watch how you interact with other humans when you bring him out (like a bloodthirsty pet?), when you leave him at home in his container he'll make smartass comments about your day.

The two of you form an aggressive bond. They become a shitty roommate you want to get rid of, but they keep you from being depressively lonely so you let it stick around. Much like their appearance in this form, Envy is a bit of a parasite. Both of you are rude to each other , but you always say something sweet and Envy listens, at first, displaying a quick glimpse of humanity before reverting back to his old self, and insulting you.

Compliments are a quick yet tricky way to really mess with Envy's head. On one hand, they're like "well yeah...Why wouldn't you say that nice thing to me?" but on the other hand, it something that's just really hard for them to believe. If you told Envy you like their eyes, like their wit... they'll be stumped. It's like not even in a flustered type of way just, confusion.

It becomes addicting, sort of like a drug. They want your approval - yes, even though you're human.

It's kind of bad, isolating Envy like that but I mean they did start an entire war causing the genocide of a whole lot of people so, this being terrible aside,

Envy asks questions, hopes you'll help them understand. Envy can't feel love like a normal person would - it's past the point of that, too late, really. Envy wouldn't know that sort of love but, it's more like a "tolerance."

Envy TOLERATES you. Envy can stomach you because you're the only person that doesn't make them sick. Envy can be themself around you, and, over the course of a few months, has been honest and expressed their thoughts. Being around you is easy and requires no effort.

However, Envy doesn't like that they can't control you. You know them by now, to not fall for their tricks. Still, you have not posed them any threat so Envy lets it slide.

I firmly believe Envy could never understand love. Their being is made from jealousy and there is no "high" for that. When you're always envious of something, or someone, it's a shitty feeling. Envy can never love themself, and can never love anyone but what they feel for you, is as *close* as it can possibly get.

The relationship wouldn't be an easy, or a healthy one. There's no beneficial reason for you to be with them but hey, love is love!

Over time, you feel like Envy genuinely likes and appreciates you. You feel a connection and whether you let them go free, or they escape... Once Envy can obtain their "real" body back, you won't see them for a while. In that form, anyways...

Envy will come by to "check" on you, in different forms. You won't know it's Envy - but you've got a hidden, shapeshifting stalker. You preoccupy most of their thoughts, they can't get enough ... they also can't figure out how to approach you. Envy is confused. There are many routes this could take but I'm settling for the one where Envy kidnaps you, and keeps YOU a hostage, just as you did for them when they were reduced to their small, lizard-like form.

I don't see Envy as a sexual person, inherently. If you wanted it eventually, you'll have to explain and show them (literally, show them what genitals look like bc I can't imagine envy has a fuckin clue LOL) and see how it goes from there. I don't think Envy would be interested unless you get real kinky and include heavy BDSM aspects. 

Even talking to someone else, paying anyone other than him the slightest bit of attention makes him sick. Be careful. Once Envy’s obsessed with you, and you reacted positively to his advances, even a little bit...you belong to him. Whether you like it or not. Either he has you.. or no one does.

[looselucy]

- Catch Up -

2018 “I’M HERE, I’M HERE!” I heard Harry call as he burst into my flat. “LONA?” “AAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!” Was all I groaned back, my head in my hands and my mood on the floor. After grabbing my tampon box to find it empty, I had text Harry rather frantically begging him to pick me some up and bring them round. It had taken him all of five minutes.

He appeared a few moments later, and I heard him sniggering, not looking at him but extending one arm to accept the gift he was presenting me with, wishing my weekend was off to a better start. “I’ll leave ya to it.” He grinned, shutting the door as he left me alone in my bathroom to sulk. Once it clicked shut, I finally tore into the box, my stomach practically falling apart, hearing my idiot of a best friend trying to hold in his giggles from outside the door. “I don’t wanna be a woman anymore.” I huffed as sorted myself out. “No?” “No. I’m done with it. I’m totally done. I see no benefit to being a woman, so I want out.” I’d met Harry Styles four years earlier. We worked together for a few years at a restaurant, and on my very first shift, he’d purposefully sent me to the wrong table with the wrong order and laughed about it so much that I immediately liked him. I knew that for some people, that sort of thing would have made them despise him, but that was the one thing that had helped me to ease and stop feeling so utterly daunted. For three years, a shift didn’t feel enjoyable unless I knew Harry would be working too. I’d walk into the grimy kitchen and see his curly locks and immediately feel better. He was fun, he was loud, he was kind and silly and he worked really hard. Everyone who worked there loved Harry. Four years later, he was the very best friend I had. When other friendship fizzled and distanced and weakened, ours became stronger. When personalities and lives began to clash, our bond grew and thrived. Through every up and every down, Harry was there, holding my hand and making me laugh and dashing to the nearest shop to buy me tampons. I was forever grateful for him, and the fact he was only a five-minute walk away. “What about multiple orgasms?” He mulled. I finished up and rolled my eyes, washing my hands before swinging the door open and glaring at him with dead eyes, seeing him eagerly awaiting my reply. “Multiple orgasms?” I flummoxed. “Yeah!” He shrugged. “Do you wanna know how many lads have managed to give me multiple orgasms?” I shot, his silence forcing me to reveal the answer. “Zero. Fucking none of them. I’m lucky if I get to go once. So maybe if I benefitted from the fact I can have multiple orgasms from anyone other than myself, it would be a bonus, but it’s not.” “You’re obviously having sex with the wrong people.” He smirked. “You’re right. I’m having sex with men.” “Don’t generalise us!” “Well when you all start learning how to please a woman, I’ll stop.” I sulked through to my living room, flopping dramatically down onto my sofa before I started groaning once again, feeling exceptionally sorry for myself, as I always did at that dreaded time of the month. Harry followed me briefly, before leaning against my doorway, biting his lip and watching me. “You need anything else?” He asked. “Death would be good.” “Alright. How do you want me to do it?” “Rip my insides out, if you want. The whole stomach… womb area.” I gestured unenthusiastically. “Just rip it out.” He grinned for a moment, dropping his head before he looked back up to me, clearing his throat. “Alright, I’m gunna shoot then.” “Where ya going?” I puzzled. “Gunna go meet Sara. M’running late now because of you!” “Shit, I’m sorry. You should have said!” “S’fine.” He smiled. “How are things with her?” “Good! Almost six months now.” He seemed very proud of himself for being in an official relationship for so long, and his sweet exterior made me smile. He’d met her through a guy at work and was so attracted to her, I didn’t think he would ever pluck up the courage to approach her. He was terrible with girls at the best of times. I was chuffed that he’d somehow managed to charm her. “I never thought I’d see the day.” “We’re gunna go out tonight, have a few drinks. You wanna tag along?” “I don’t wanna be a third wheel.” I cringed. “You won’t be. There’s some people going from her work, so… you’ll probably be saving me, if anything.” “Um… Okay. It’s either that or staying in and feeling sorry for myself. Which… does sound kind of good, so… I dunno. I’ll think about it and let you know.” He was still stood in the doorway staring at me despite the fact he was already running late, a dozy little smile on his face, shaking his head at me. Harry moved around the world gently, as though he didn’t want to disturb it. Despite how boisterous he could be from time to time, he was generally soft; soft spoken, soft natured. He toughened sometimes, for the sake of those he loved, but usually it was like he was gliding around the world, not disrupting anything or anyone. “Piss off then.” I told him, nodding my head towards my door. “Thanks for saving me.” “Always. See you tonight, yeah?” “Possibly.” He shot me a sweet wink before finally walking back out the front door, whistling away to himself as he did, as chipper as ever. A few months earlier, myself and Harry had gone to get spare keys cut and exchanged them, because it had genuinely reached the stage where it was problematic not having that convenience. There was no need for him to knock, he was always welcome, and I was always welcome at his. We lived our lives bizarrely in sync, it made sense to have easy access into what was practically my second home. I silently mulled over my options for the evening. It was a Saturday, and I usually let my period be the one time of the month where I felt it was plausible to spend my Saturday night in. I worked a nine to five, Monday to Friday job, and that meant I usually milked my weekends for all I could, other than the weekend I thought I might bleed to death every month. But I knew I’d probably end up out. I was terrible at saying no to drinks and even worse at saying no to Harry. I wasn’t sure how easily I would fit into the evening, but I knew my best friend was exceptionally good at making everyone feel included and welcomed at all times, so he was bound to put the effort in and make sure I didn’t feel like I was just tagging along. It looked as though my mind was made up, but the thought of thinking up an outfit made me groan aloud and never want to leave the house again.

Sara always smiled at me like she was meeting me for the first time. A little unsure, a little sceptical, a little intrigued. I’d spent numerous occasions with the girl, I’d even held her hair back once when she got sick on a night out, but every time she saw me, the initial smile and greeting I received from her was one that suggested the two of us had never met before in our lives. She’d always ease soon enough, and the two of us got really well, which was good. I knew it made Harry happy. He’d been with a few girls who absolutely despised our friendship. “Hey!” I greeted as I reached them, both stood hand in hand, Sara with that classic unsure smile once again. “You’re both looking dapper.” It was freezing outside the bar, and I could tell that Sara wasn’t too impressed with having to wait in the cold weather for me to arrive, but I was not impressed by the fact that neither of them told me I was supposed to dress up, so I felt like we were even. “C’mon, it’s bloody freezing!” Harry rushed me. I rolled my eyes and followed them inside, because it was Harry’s bloody idea to come and meet me outside anyway, like I wasn’t perfectly capable of opening the door by myself. They’d already been there for a while, and I’d told him specifically that there was no need to meet me outside. I think it was just something he projected onto me, because Harry hated arriving at events on his own. I trailed behind the two of them as we headed over to a group of people who had gathered around the bar, and that was all took for me to wonder why on earth I’d decided to tag along. There wasn’t a single part of me that was rushing to meet the people Sara worked with, and it was the exact kind of social situation where I would struggle. It was just an excuse to get out of my flat and have a few drinks but I was already wishing I’d had better options available to me. We reached them, and I mirrored that unsure and timid smile that Sara always gave me as they turned to face us, Harry nudging his girlfriend and whispering harshly that she needed to introduce me to everyone, and I was feeling less comfortable by the second. “Oh, um… Everyone, this is Bellona. She’s Harry’s best friend.” I hated that she’d used my full name, but I remained as chipper as possible. “Bellona, this is some of the people I work with. The fun ones.” They all cheered at that comment, a few of them lifting their drinks in the air. Sara worked for a recruitment agency in the centre of the city, so I knew she worked with a lot of people of all ages, but the people she was with that night were all pretty young, except one woman who definitely looked like she was in her sixties and more fabulous than I could have ever wished to be. “Bellona?” One lad spoke to me. “As in the Roman Goddess of war?” “It’s really not fitting to me, at all, which I think is one of the many reasons my mum regrets calling me that.” “I think my mum regrets calling me Lewis just because… it’s a really boring name.” “Shall we swap?” “Sorted.” He nodded, grinning wide. I needed a drink, and quickly, because I was planning on flirting with this Lewis chap for the rest of the evening and I would need some liquid courage to do so. “You wanna drink?” Harry stepped ahead of me as everyone began to converse again, getting back into the swing of the evening. “S’okay, I’ll get one.” “Lona, I know you’re skint, just let me get you a drink.” It was the weekend before payday, and Harry was more than aware that that would mean I was down to my last few quid. I innocently batted my eyelashes up to him, silently accepting his offer of a drink, and he moved further towards the bar. I edged towards Sara, craving someone familiar already and I’d barely been there a minute. “How’ve you been?” I asked her. “Yeah, I’m good.” She smiled. “Are you?” “Yeah, I’m alright. Ready for a drink.” “How’s things at work?” “I dunno.” I shrugged. “They’ve just mentioned massive losses and then not said anything else, so fuck knows. I’m trying not to worry about it too much.” Around a year earlier I’d managed to bag myself a job for an up and coming fashion retailer, working in their social media department. It was an absolute miracle, I thought, considering when I felt to be a total lack of style, but they seemed to like me and I liked the company. But it turned out things hadn’t gone too well for the past year, and despite the fact that they were only based online and they merely had one warehouse and one set of offices, they were losing money. I’d gone into work filled with paranoia for around two months, and it was getting rather exhausting. “That’s so harsh.” Sara sympathised. “I know. I’d rather just… know what’s going on. Like if they’re gunna fire me, just do it! Y’know?” “Yeah, definitely. Nothing worse than being so unsure.” Harry turned around, passing over Sara’s drink first, and she thanked him quietly with a soft smile. I leaned a little closer to Sara before whispering. “What’s the deal with Lewis?” “He’s alright, y’know.” She shrugged. “I don’t know him that well, but… he seems alright. You interested?” “Maybe. He’s pretty cute.” Harry turned around holding my drink and his, quickly handing mine over and joining the conversation, wrapping his now free arm around his girlfriend’s shoulder. “You should definitely do it. Why not?” Sara beamed. “He’d definitely be up for it.” “Who’s up for what?” Harry tried to play catch up. “She’s going to shag Lewis.” “What?” His eyes went wide as he turned to me. “Why do you seem so shocked by that?” She chuckled, seeming rather astonished. “Lona can’t have casual sex.” “He’s right, I can’t.” I shrugged. “No idea how to not get ridiculously attached to someone after sleeping with them. So I will not be sleeping with him.” I liked dating people. I liked getting to know someone and actually being with them and establishing something. I’d made the mistake more than once of thinking I could just have sex with someone and leave it at that, but every time I’d woken up the morning after, my beer goggles having been replaced with heart shaped specs and I would feel something, no matter how minor and no matter how hard I tried to fight it. I would always come out on the other side feeling somewhat hurt. Dating was easier than that for me. I could feel the possibilities and gage fully if something was going somewhere before I let my feelings jump in and involve themselves without permission. “I’ll talk to him a bit.” Harry nodded, taking a quick sip of his drink. “See if you’re well suited.” “Cheers, mate.” “And if you are?” Sara asked. “Then… we’re double dating.”

“So why did you move to Liverpool?” Lewis asked. “You’re gunna think I’m stupid.” “Go on…” “I… I really love The Beatles.” Due to his strong accent, I could tell he was a local, meaning he was bound to love The Beatles himself because it was immoral to feel otherwise as a Liverpudlian. But even so, me saying that made his brows drop and his lips lift. “You serious?” “I love them. They changed me! I am not me, without The Beatles.” “That’s the only reason you moved here?” “Well… it’s a great city.” I mulled. “And… Yeah, it’s definitely the main reason I moved here.” “I bet Ringo is your favourite.” “HOW DID YOU KNOW?” He just shook his head at me, but he had this look on his face that suggested he was enjoying every minute, every word and every revelation. “I’m gunna go for a smoke.” He eyed the door. “Fancy one?” “I don’t smoke. Thanks though.” He shot me a wink before heading to the door, and the very second he’d hopped off his stool, Harry was on his way to me, raising his brows and taking his spot. He settled immediately, lifting his brows suggestively, to which I rolled my eyes. “So?” “So what?” I whelped. “Been talking to him for like, half an hour!” “I spoke with him earlier. I think you’re well suited. He seems like a good lad.” “You have such a terrible taste in men though, so that just puts me off if anything.” He put down his empty glass and then stuck his middle finger up at me, still refusing to accept his dire taste in men even after so many painful dates. I was glad he’d finally found himself settled in a relationship so it wasn’t a torture I’d have to continue facing. “Me and Sara are gunna make a move, if you fancy walking home with us.” “Ooh yeah, let’s go!” “You not going to say goodbye?” “Nah. Let him think I’m mysterious and I’ve slipped off into the night.” I jumped off the tall barstool and began heading towards the door where Sara stood waiting, Harry following me with tight chuckles tickling his throat. I was rather grateful to be calling it a night so early. The drinks had helped me to ignore my uterus practically falling apart, but the fact of the matter was that my stomach was in agony and my best place to be was wrapped up in bed. The three of us were waddling down the street before Harry continued to interrogate me about Lewis. “So, do you want Sara to set up a double date then?” “Urgh, what is it with you two and double dating?” She groaned, rolling her eyes. “Seriously, what is that about? Can’t you go on a date on your own?” “Blame Harry. I used to be able to do it, but now I can’t!” “Dates are fucking terrifying!” Harry justified. “It’s good to have other people there to help you through that first one. And Lona is never afraid to just walk out of a date, and that’s meant I could follow her loads of times. She’s perfect. I can’t date without her. And now she can’t date without me! We need each other.” “It’s… pathetic.” Sara huffed. Sara should have been thankful, really, because I had been present on her first date with Harry, and I’d given her the thumbs up and calmed Harry enough so he could go on the date in the bloody first place. He liked to hear if I approved of someone, because no one really knew him quite as well as I did. I’d been perfectly fine at dating before we got into this bizarre routine where we literally had to double date. “Okay, so, if he mentions me to you at work on Monday,” I smiled to her. “You can suggest the double date. If he doesn’t, then forget it.” Sara, still seeming completely baffled by the whole thing, nodded and agreed to the deal, and the three of us battled the journey home through the light drizzle and infuriating gusts. Even so, the three of us were in relatively high spirits, enough drinks down to be cheerful and ignorant to the weather, but not too many down that we were stumbling our way home and possibly ending the night cradling a toilet. Besides, if I could get a good date out of Lewis I would officially class it as a damn good decision to leave the house that night, despite my body begging me not to. I looked down to Harry’s and Sara’s hands, which were clasped together, his thumb sweetly rubbing over her skin, and I felt my stomach drop just a little bit. I wanted that. I wanted to have someone in my life who wanted to hold my hand and be with me on a Saturday night and a Sunday morning. The last relationship I’d been in was two years earlier, and Ash turned out to be a cheating bastard anyway. I wanted a happy, healthy relationship, with someone who really cared about me. I hadn’t realised it would be such a difficult thing to find. I guess that was another reason I had always been willing to go on those dates alongside Harry, despite the fact they were always unsuccessful. That was the first time all night that I allowed myself to feel like a third wheel in their company, zoning out of the conversation and getting somewhat emotional, blaming the time of the month. Thankfully, it wasn’t too long before we’d reached Harry’s block of flats, trying to regain some stamina to at least bid them a cheery farewell, but my mood had dropped a considerable amount. “Thanks for inviting me.” I bid to Sara. “It was good, thanks.” “Uh… Yeah! You’re welcome. See you soon!” “Night, you two!” She came to a standstill, lingering outside the front door of his building, but Harry let his hand slip from hers, and continued to walk alongside me. “Harry?” She questioned, seeming quite stern. “I’m just gunna walk her home.” He nodded, not stopping his small steps, even when I had, glancing back and forth between the two of them. “You serious?” She gawped. I could see the look of annoyance on her face, and I wanted to protest and tell him to just go indoors with his girlfriend and that I’d be fine, but I knew it was pointless. Neither myself or Sara would be able to sway him. I dropped my head to the floor, slowly backing away from her and ignoring the look on her face. “Harry, it’s five minutes down the road!” She groaned. “Exactly!” He used her point against her. “It’s late, and I wanna get her home safe. Go get settled, I’ll be ten minutes. It’s not an issue.” I could tell she wasn’t happy about it, but she didn’t put up any more of a fight, simply letting herself indoors and leaving us to it. She didn’t even say anything else, just tensed and turned away from us. I questioned exactly how many drinks she’d had over the evening. Myself and Harry set off in silence, and I kept glancing back over my shoulder, feeling uncomfortable being in the middle of whatever the hell had just happened. “You don’t have to walk me home.” I finally grumbled. “It’s fine.” “I want to walk you home, Lona.” He huffed. “I’d feel like a dick if I didn’t.” “Well… she’s pissed off now.” “Well then she needs to grow up a bit. For the sake of ten extra minutes and me wanting to make sure you’re safe. I know what’s more important to me.” When he put it like that, it did make total sense that he’d want to walk me home, but I couldn’t help but feel like I’d somehow conjured up a sour evening and an argument between the two of them, which was the last thing I wanted. I could see why she felt as though it was a pointless journey, but I could also why it was a journey that Harry wanted to make. “Okay. Thank you.” I mumbled. “You’re welcome.” He grinned, quickly seeming completely unfazed by the way his girlfriend had reacted to his actions. “So, did you tell Lewis you plan on naming your first child Ringo?” “I felt that was coming on a little strong.” I just about contained my smile. “He is aware that Ringo is my favourite Beatle though.” “God, don’t tell me you started bothering him about The Beatles.” He sniggered, with a roll of his eyes. “He asked why I moved here! I was just being honest.” Harry couldn’t say too much on the matter. He’d been stuck between going to Manchester University or John Moores, and said he’d eventually put the argument down to The Stone Roses vs The Beatles, and The Beatles had won him over. Clearly. That didn’t ever stop him raving about The Stone Roses. Our feet slapped against the damp pavement perfectly in time, my smile fixed on my face until I lifted my head back up. We were walking past a large group of lads, all drunk out of their minds and yelling and acting rowdy, and I was then extremely grateful that Harry had decided to walk me home. My stomach still dropped at the sight of them all, shuffling a little closer to Harry and keeping my head down. He sensed my unease, wrapping an arm around my shoulder, tucking me close to him. I imagined I was the very last thing on their minds, all too drunk and happy and probably perfectly decent blokes, but that didn’t stop me from freezing up and feeling intimidated. “This is why I don’t want you walking home on your own.” He mumbled once we’d gotten past them. I sighed, glancing back over my shoulder once we’d passed them, but staying at his side. They hadn’t needed to do anything, and I didn’t think they would have even if I wasn’t in Harry’s company, but there was something about a gathering of lads, especially drunk ones, that would always put me on edge. We stayed that way until we reached my building, Harry with his arm around me and my body cuddled into his, and even when I thought he may bid me farewell by the front door, he didn’t, guiding me past the broken elevator and up the few flights of stairs before we reached my floor. “Thank you for walking me back.” I smiled, fiddling with my lock before practically kicking my door open. “I hope you’re not in too much trouble with the missus.” “She’ll get over it. She shouldn’t be bothered by it at all, but whatever.” He shrugged. I stepped indoors, turning around to look at him once more, leaning against the wall, furrowing my brows and shooting him a rather sceptical look. He titled his head, waiting for me to voice my thoughts, resting against the doorframe, in no rush to leave. “What’s it like… being in love?” I asked quietly. “What ya talking about? You’ve been in love.” “Mm. I’m not sure I have.” He dropped his head, running the back of his hand repetitively over his eye, clearly exhausted. “Hm. I’m not sure I have either.” He replied. “No?” “Think I’ve maybe… built it up too much in my head.” He cleared his throat. “I’ve always been so shit with girls and like… now I’m actually with someone I really care about… I feel like I’ve just overthought it before. Does that make sense?” “Not really.” I giggled. “I guess it’s like… I’m still not fully relaxed around her, y’know? Because I’ve just… gone over what this should be like so many times in my head, it’s like I’m still a bit nervous.” His then bolted his head up to me, rushing his next words. “Does that sound stupid? Am I being stupid?” “Maybe.” I smiled as kindly as I could. “She’s a great girl, Harry. Gotta let yourself… chill out a bit, and just enjoy it.” He nodded, attempting to adapt my words and find an ease with Sara that he hadn’t quite allowed himself to thus far in their relationship. He truly had been exceptionally rubbish when it came to girls. He was insanely good looking, tall, well built, bright green eyes and perfect pink lips. To look at, you would have thought he’d be brilliant with girls, but it was just something he’d never been able to figure out. He’d get too nervous and anxious about the whole thing. He was much better after a few drinks, but that usually resulted in one night stands rather than feelings and relationships. “Don’t worry about it too much.” I reached out, tugging lightly on his jumper. “Don’t overthink it.” “Easier said than done.” “True, but try.” “Okay. I will. Promise.” “Now go home.” I pushed him further from me. “Thanks… again.” “Don’t mention it.” He backed away slowly. “See you soon, alright?” “The double date!” I beamed. “He’ll definitely mention you to Sara.” He shrugged smugly. “Be a fool not to.” I grinned like an idiot, biting my bottom lip and watching him go. I suppose it was always nice to end an evening with Harry Styles. My night certainly could have been a lot worse. “And who knows,” He beamed. “Maybe he’ll be the first guy to give you those multiple orgasms.” “I should be so fucking lucky!” He laughed lightly, scrunching his nose and keeping his eyes on me until he was just about to be back out in the stairwell, before shooting me a friendly wink, a classic move of his. “Night, Lona.” “Goodnight.” As soon as his back was turned, I gently shut the door and locked myself inside, still smiling away to myself as I trailed through my home, dropping my bag down by the door and then sulking towards the bathroom, readying myself for bed. My mind ran over the rather mundane events of the evening as I sorted myself out, questioning why it was I’d allowed myself to feel so low at the very end, to amplify things and project things and feel so intensely. It was easy to blame the time of the month, but I knew I’d actually reached this stage of my life where I truly was craving a connection with someone that felt honest and sustainable. I found myself questioning if I was grasping at nothing with Lewis just because he was there, he was an option. This was a rather recent revelation. I’d always been somewhat picky when it came to boys and relationships. I’d always thought it was better to be alone than it was to settle for someone, or ignore extortionate differences that would only force distance and disdain further down the line, when I’d already become vulnerable. I had always been that way. My mother once told me that when I was younger, a boy at school had asked me rather shyly to be his girlfriend and I’d said no because I didn’t like his shoes. I suppose the fashion industry was the right place for me after all. But I was beginning to wonder if I’d just set my standards too high, if I expected too much, if being with someone didn’t have to be this perfect thing and he didn’t need to be this perfect person. I didn’t think I was perfect, so how could I be with this perfect person I so desperately craved? I didn’t want to query my standards due to loneliness, and maybe it wasn’t settling, but just adjusting. I cursed myself for being a romantic when I genuinely didn’t want to be, nor were my standards low enough to fulfil the needs of the romantic within me. It was a constant and brutal battle. By the time I was clambering into bed, I had a text from Harry. H: She’s pretending to be asleep. She’s definitely mad. L: Say you’re sorry, even if you don’t mean it. H: No. L: Do you want a shag or not? H: Yes. L: Then say you’re sorry. She’s had a few, she’ll have a clear head in the morning and she won’t be mad. But for now, say you’re sorry, have sex, and get some kip. H: You’re so wise. L: I know. Nighty night! H: Night! X I tucked myself up tight, putting my phone on charge and then locking it with a roll of my eyes, flicking off my bedside lamp and falling asleep rather swiftly, still with a timid smile tilting my lips.

[unexceptional-broken]

OUT. || arfid/ED mention under the cut!

So one thing I’ve been dealing with since I’ve been off the dash was a real uptick in my ARFID. If you don’t know what that is, it’s avoidant-restrictive food intake disorder. It’s considered an ED, but it is distringuished from other restrictive eating disorders due to a lack of body dysmorphia or having bod image play a role in triggering or exacerbating the restrictive habits. It used to be called Selective Eating Disorder but was renamed to ARFID to be more accurate in its naming. 

So long story short, ARFID restricts a person’s eating through aversions or pathological avoidances of foods due to fear of choking or contamination, aversions to some sensory stimulus, etc. It’s different from PICKY EATING, though it often goes underdiagnosed because people think they or their child ( it can develop in childhood, or children who were severe in their picky eating can develop full-blown ARFID later in life ) are picky instead of it being an actual disorder which is preventing them from getting sufficient nutrition. ARFID tears away the safety of eating and limits the amount of safe foods that are present in your life, and safe foods can change suddenly or without any conscious reasoning, and often has very little to do with caloric or nutritional content as it may if the eating disorder is linked to body image or a distress of body shape or size. 

ANYWAY. My ARFID is tied to a few things. There’s an aversion to allergic reactions, which I have specific food allergies I do know about, but there are also food allergies I have not been able to really nail down yet. That makes trying new foods a minefield for me since I don’t always know what to ask is in the food. I also have fears of getting sick or food poisoning which can put me off of all food for multiple days in a row, and I then on top of it all, perhaps most potently or what really created the development of my ARFID is a very severe aversion to many types of food for sensory reasons, specifically texture, but it can also be how a food looks, smells, tastes ( though if I’m averse I often cannot even convince my body to allow me to taste even the littlest bit of the food )... it can truly be anything. My ARFID triggers my gag reflex and heightens my anxiety to a point where I can be in genuine distress when faced with a food that people are expecting me to eat and I simply cannot, or even if they are not expecting me to eat, I feel so rotten that I cannot be polite when I was invited to someone’s home and I cannot even bring myself to eat what they so lovingly made. I cannot even pretend. Most of my loved ones are aware of my ARFID or my “pickiness” and try their best to either accommodate or show no hard feelings if all I can eat at their dinner table is a plain bread roll if bread is a safe food that day, but it still makes me feel so ungrateful and ungracious as a guest and as a loved one when I, by no conscious means of my own, gag on a smell coming from the kitchen that is something everyone else by all accounts things smells incredible. I feel like I’m making a loved one feel bad about the effort they’ve put in, and though it isn’t something I generally can control, I feel absolutely horrid about it. 

My ARFID has limited the amount of food I can comfortably eat to a very narrow category, and not all of the foods in that category are always safe foods. In fact, my safe foods will change for seemingly no conscious reason that I can make heads or tails of, and suddenly I’m left with like a week’s worth of a safe food that now makes me want to gag at its sight, and if my partner doesn’t want to eat it, I have to watch it rot because I can’t stomach the idea of eating it in that moment anymore. I’m limited to my safe foods down to the brand of that food, even. And like. This shit is exhausting, friends. 

ANYWAY, the reason I’m telling you all of this is because my ARFID has been really exacerbated since about mid-May for a lot of reasons. I’m currently doing a lot of trauma therapy, and I think working through that, while so so so so valid, may have made my subconscious mind feel more anxious and out of control and perhaps is reaching out this way. But in the largest way, it’s also because I started a stimulant for my ADHD, and that, as many stimulants do, dramatically suppressed my apetite. And I mean, down to 0. I simply do not have any hunger signals coming to my body anymore. And due to that, I am forgetting to eat for long stretches of time — I think the longest has been about a full week with nothing really caloric coming into my body except some drinks I had been drinking to combat the dry mouth I got from my stimulant as well — and nothing, and I mean nothing, feels like a safe food continuously. This isn’t the reason why I left the dash for an accidentally long time; that was literally unintentional and also because I reignited my love of c-span and that’s legit all I did in my free time. But I wanted to introduce anyone who didn’t know about ARFID, explain if I seem lower-energy at all ( though I know that’s difficult to really see online ), and perhaps just give a glimpse into my life since I don’t often really info-load onto the dash like this. 

One good victory tho: today I ate something two days in a row! First time in perhaps over a month since that has happened! I’m very proud of me. It came after accidentally not realizing I hadn’t eaten from Tuesday to Saturday, but I did figure out my mistake and did make moves to correct myself. We get losses and wins all the time, lol. 

I hope you’re all well. If you ever need to talk about anything at all, whether it’s your body, your mind, your feelings, anything at all, I’m here for you! And please don’t feel like you cannot mention food to me; that isn’t how ARFID is triggered at all. It’s pretty much everything to do with my body randomly finding foods averse and nothing to do with “someone mentioned food and now I’m thinking about food/my body/distress, etc.” While ARFID IS classified as an ED, food mentions or even ED mentions do not exacerbate my struggles, and I believe that is the case for many people with ARFID, though obviously, as with all things, all people and their experiences and how their struggles manifest are different. 

OK LOVE YOU! 

[strangely-amusing]

Serendipity

Characters : Taeyong x You

Wordcount : 3532 words.

Genre : Romance, Soulmate!AU

Because the world needs more taeyong fics, and my current obsession towards soulmate au and doctor au. Might change the title later. Pics not mine, credit goes to taeyongggggg on Instagram. Oh and happy new year everyone!♡

Quiet.

That was the first impression everyone had about you. You were not good with words, and you were just too shy and awkward to start a conversation. You never thought of it as a bad trait, but apparently people did.

Growing up was not easy. School had been harsh, you were never be able to be friends with other people. At first, you didn’t really know why because you were just very young and clueless. But as you got older, you realized it has something to do with you. There was something wrong with you, that made people act like they did.

You knew it was because you were very quiet and didn’t talk much. But you couldn’t understand why you were the only one that went through all the bullying.

Maybe people just don’t like me.

You had spent many nights crying your heart out, wondering what is it about you that made people hate you. The icy cold glare that you got every time you entered the classroom, The rude treatment that you got from your classmates, The sick pranks that caused you lots of injuries. No one seemed to care. They all enjoyed seeing you in pain.

You never told your mother about it, not because you were afraid. She was a wonderful mother, and you loved her dearly. The reason why you didn’t told her about it was mainly because you didn’t want to stress her out. You knew raising a child as a single mother was not easy, and yet she managed to do exactly that.

You thought it was already bad enough that you grew up to be such a quiet and reserved person, and she didn’t need to know that you were getting bullied because of it.

She was one of the two things that kept you alive until this day.

The other thing that kept you alive until this day, was the words on your arms.

The first time it appeared on your skin, you were 14. Some people were 10 when they first got it, some people were 18. Everyone was different. You didn’t know why, though. But you vividly remembered what it said.

“I’m exhausted but I can’t give up. No, not right now.”

It was written in black. At first, you thought it was always black. But sometimes, different words appeared in orange or red. Most days it would appear in white.

You didn’t know what it was until almost a year later, when you accidentally clicked on a sketchy website when you were trying to do your assignments.

Soulmate.

You gasped when you read the title of the article, genuinely surprised. You decided to read the article, the title alone was already gaining your interest.

“The words that appear on your arm, are the most powerful words that your soulmate says that day.”

So you can actually find your soulmate? You thought as you continued to read the rest of the article. Tons of questions were running through your head, but you held them back, all this new information was too much for you to take all at once. You looked down at the words on your arm.

“It’s going to be alright.”

Why is it written in white? What does that mean? And I wonder who he’s talking to…

You clicked on the “Next” option at the bottom of the page, hastily closing any pop-up ads that blocked your view.

“The color of the words are determined by one’s emotion, or mood. If the words appear in black, then your soulmate is in a very bad mood. It can vary from anger, sadness, or even stress.”

You then remembered his first words and immediately felt bad for him. What happened to you?

Realizing that you still got assignments to do, You then proceed to read the rest of the article quickly.

“If the words appear in vibrant colors like bright red, yellow, or even neon green, it means that your soulmate is in a happy mood. The colors does not represent specific moods. (e.g. pink DOES NOT mean he/she is in love) Just as long as its vibrant, then they’re happy. The more vibrant, the happier your soulmate is. However, if your soulmate is extremely happy, the words may appear in gold. This rarely happens, but if it does happen, you will also feel the happiness that they are feeling. You will most likely to feel happy for them, even in your darkest days.”

It was beautiful, how different words in different colors appear on one’s arm every single day.

But then a particular question popped into your mind. You quickly typed in your question into the ask box, getting a reply in no time. “You can try to communicate with your soulmate, but it wont be easy. Remember that the words that appear on your arms are the most powerful ones. Fate decides which one.”

Since that day, You checked your arm everyday, excited to see what your soulmate had said.

Most of the times, it indicated that he was tired. You would always feel bad for him, even though you did not know what he was going through.

Some days were better, indicating that he got a great score on whatever test he took.

Some days, his words were sweet and comforting. It almost felt like he was talking to you. His words alone were enough to get you to wake up every single day.

But of course, his words can’t instantly change your world. The bullying still happened, the bruises and cuts were still there, and most importantly, the pain was still there.

You spent many years repeating that cycle, getting bullied, crying for hours, waking up the next day only to get bullied for another day. You feel bad for your soulmate, you can only imagine the words on his arms would be a cycle of “It hurts”, “Please don’t”, and “Please stop”, repeated over and over again.

Some days you didn’t even talk, feeling like such a burden if you do. You didn’t want your soulmate to walk around with these embarrassing words on his arm.

Some days you tried to say only positive words, but you didn’t know if it was powerful enough to appear on his arm.

But after your mother’s death, you never really talked anymore.

♤

“Hyung why are you so worried?The last surgery went well.”

Taeyong snapped out of his thought and sighed, slowly looking at his best friend Jaehyun. He then proceed to pull his sleeves, showing him his bare arm. Jaehyun sighed softly, knowing exactly what he meant. “Again?” Taeyong avoided his gaze and closed his eyes. “It has been like this for weeks…”

Jaehyun shook his head, eyes still glued to Taeyong’s arm. “How can someone spent weeks without saying a single word?”

Taeyong pulled his arm back and traced his veins. “I know she didn’t talk much, but these days….it got worse.”

Jaehyun stayed silent, he didn’t know what to say. Taeyong let out a sigh, looking at the wall blankly. “a “Thank you” written in black appeared on my arm a few days ago, but if it was the words that appear that day, then-“

“that was probably the only word that she said that day.” Jaehyun cut him off, staring into his eyes. Taeyong nodded silently, his eyes getting wet with tears. “I just hope that she’s okay.”

Jaehyun nodded with a smile on his face, hoping that he could cheer Taeyong up. “I’m sure she is, hyung. She has been through a lot of things, I’m sure that she’s strong enough for whatever it is that occurs this time.”

Taeyong closed his eyes, tears already pooling in the corner of his eyes. Jaehyun had watched this scenario more than he can count. Since they were young, the words that appeared on Taeyong’s arms had always been so heart breaking. And Taeyong was a sensitive person, he spent a lot of time crying because of how worried he was because of his soulmate. Jaehyun had suggested Taeyong to try to contact his soulmate multiple times, to know if she is doing alright. But he never got an answer. Fate was cruel, he thought.

“Dr. Lee! There’s an emergency, please come with me immediately!” A high-pitched voice filled the room, interrupting their train of thoughts.

Taeyong immediately wiped his tears and stood up, taking a deep breath to calm himself down. He turned to Jaehyun, giving him a forced smile. “I got to go. I’ll see you soon, Jae.”

Jaehyun nodded, giving him two thumbs up and a sincere smile. “Good Luck, Hyung.”

Taeyong nodded and went to follow the nurse.

“Name, Y/N. 22 years old. No close relatives.” She quickly said, opening the door to the operation room.

Taeyong quickly entered the operation room, scanning the body on the table. “What happened?”

“Stabbed 3 times by a local burglar for ‘being in his way’” the nurse said, shaking her head in pity. Taeyong sighed, pitying the limp body in front of him. “Let’s do our best.”

♤

When you saw your childhood memories being replayed in your head, you thought you were going to die. But you were proven wrong, as you found yourself safely tucked under a warm blanket in an unfamiliar room hours later. Judging by the smell, you assumed you were in the hospital.

The room was empty, no one was there except for you. The walls were painted in mint green, in contrast to the white floor. You found all your belongings on the bedside table, just near the flower bouquet.

Wow. How kind of them.You thought as you touched the petals gently. You couldn’t remember why you ended up in a hospital, though. I must’ve hit my head….

You glanced around and found a painting of two soulmates connected by a thin red string tied to their fingers, hanging above your head. Ah right. Soulmate.

You glanced at your arm, realizing you haven’t checked it for a while.

“I hope she’s alright.”

You frowned and decided to ignore it. But it was really hard to ignore the fact that even your soulmate didn’t care about you. He was caring about some one else. You sighed in disappointment and stared at the paintings above your head.

You sat up, wincing when you feel an agonizing pain in your lower stomach. You looked down at your body and found 3 blood spots, the blood leaking through the bandage that was wrapped around your torso. “I don’t think that is supposed to happen.”

Your heart beat faster as you saw more blood seeping through the bandage. oh my god what am I supposed to do?

You jumped in surprise when the door suddenly opened, a black-haired guy in a white coat bursting into the room. His eyes widened when he saw the blood coming out of your torso, quickly calling the nurses.

But you were too dazed to even notice all of that. His sharp jaw line, his large round orbs, his soft lips, without a doubt, he was the most attractive person you have ever seen. But his physical appearance was not the reason why you managed to stay still, not moving even an inch despite the blood still coming out of your torso. There was something about him, that made you feel multiple emotions all at once. You can’t even describe the emotions that you were feeling. It was… unusual.

“Are you okay? Can you hear me?”

You nodded wordlessly, eyes gazing at the beautiful face in front of you. He was even more gorgeous from up close.

“Okay so Y/N, my name is Dr. Lee and a few stitches popped open so we have to re-stitch your wounds as fast as possible. You wont be able to feel any pain, as we will be giving you some anaesthetic to numb certain body parts. But you will still be able to hear and see everything.” He explained hastily, while putting on a pair of latex gloves.

You nodded, noticing the pool of blood around your torso. He must have seen your change of expression because He then gently pushed you into a lying position, giving you an encouraging smile. “Everything will be alright.”

You trusted him.

♤

Although the anaesthetic that they used was local, you were still exhausted and fell asleep during the small surgery. But this time, you didn’t see your childhood memories being played over and over again. Instead, you see Dr. Lee standing in the dark with soft smile decorating his face. It lasted only for a moment, and it left you with lots of questions still unasked. Dr. Lee’s face was quickly replaced by the now familiar room, mint green walls and white floors.

It was different this time, however. As you found the same guy that appeared in your dream, sitting on the chair next to your bed. He was looking down at the floor, his head hung low. You couldn’t see his face but somehow, you could feel his sorrow.

“Dr. Lee?” You softly called out, trying to get his attention.

He immediately looked up, his orbs glistening with tears. He looked so worried that you could practically see it in his eyes. “Oh my god, you’re awake. Are you okay?”

You nodded silently. “I’m okay.”

“I’m Sorry.” He blurted out, his voice shaking. You looked up at him, confusion written over your face. “But why? I should thank you for saving my-“

“I was being careless. That was so unprofessional of me. I’m so sorry that you have to get your wound re-stitched.” He closed his eyes, regret written over his gorgeous face.

You didn’t know why, but you found yourself reaching for his hands. He looked up, surprised at the sudden touch.

You gulped, suddenly feeling nervous. “but you saved my life…. a-and I’m grateful for that…Thank you, Dr. Lee”

“Just Taeyong would be fine.” He replied with a shaky voice. He then offered a small forced smile and shook his head. “I don’t deserve your gratitude. I should have been more careful. I’m so sorry y/n.”

Your eyes widened at his words, realizing how hard he was being to himself. “Y-You can tell me what’s distracting you… only if you want…” You whispered, almost inaudible. You didn’t know why you feel so brave saying those words. But there was something about him that made you feel this way.

He bit his lips, unsure whether or not he should share it with you. A few moments of silence passed, you silently cursed to yourself for saying those words. Of course he wont tell me. Its his personal problem, I’m so stupid.

“Its about my soulmate.”

You snapped out of your thoughts, surprised that he actually decided to tell you. “S-Soulmate?”

He nodded, forcing a smile. “nothing too important, really. As much as I hate to admit it, I am a sensitive guy so I got worried a lot about her.”

You nodded, feeling a tiny bit of disappointment. But you didn’t know if its because you were not the one who got to be his soulmate, or because he already had a soulmate and probably living a happy life with her.

“Have you met yours?”

You quietly shook your head. “Not yet. All I know that he is a hardworking person.”

“Wow you must be so lucky then.” you saw a sincere smile decorating his face for the very first time since you met him, and it was gorgeous.

You avoided his gaze and played with your fingers. “Maybe. It doesn’t really matter anymore though. Looking from the injuries that I got over these past few years, I might be dead before I can even meet him.” You whispered, lips curling into a bitter smile.

“Don’t say that.” He said harshly, quickly realizing that the tone he was using was a tad bit too harsh. You noticeably flinched and unconsciously pulled your hand back.

He realized that almost immediately and shook his head. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it like that I’m so sorry.”

You nodded silently, deciding not to say a word anymore. He looked at you and sighed. “I’m so sorry… I really am… its just that… you reminded me of my soulmate.” He put his hands on top of his lap and looked down at his feet. “Ever since I was young, the words written on my arm were heart breaking. It was always written in black, sometimes grey, but never gold. The same words appear over and over again and its awful. I was so worried of my soulmate that I had tried to contact her numerous times, but I never got an answer.” You took a close look at the guy in front of you, and saw a broken man. The cold facade that you saw a few hours ago was long gone. He looked so hurt that you can almost feel his pain. You didn’t know why but you felt a strong urge to hold him.

“Fate is cruel, I guess.” He said, followed by a humourless laugh.

You found yourself reaching out for his hand. He didn’t flinch or pull his hand back, a signal for you that it’s okay to do so. “Taeyong, I’m sorry…” “Its okay. I’m just a little bit worried.” He answered with shaky voice, intertwining his fingers with yours gently. You glanced at his covered arms. “Why don’t you check your arm? To know if she’s alright.”

Taeyong shook his head, feeling too weak to read the words on his arm. “Its okay. I can do it later. On the other side, I think the words on your arm just changed.” He said, pulling up his sleeves even more so you couldn’t see it.

You understood that he didn’t want to share it with you, and decided to stay quiet about it. You then followed his suggestion and checked your arm.

“Fate is cruel, I guess.”

Your heart skipped a beat as you re-read the words written on your arms for numerous times. You read it correctly.

Taeyong must have noticed your silence because the next second he was already pulling your arm to see the words. You watched as Taeyong’s expression mimicked yours, eyes widening in surprise. Silently, he pulled down his sleeve to reveal the words on his arm.

“Taeyong, I’m Sorry.”

You couldn’t believe your eyes, blinking countless of times just to make sure that you weren’t seeing things. Taeyong’s gaze went from his arm to you, looking at you with pain in his eyes.

Before you can say anything, he quickly pulled you into his embrace, his hands wrapping you tightly. His voice was shaking, and he was trying to hold the tears from falling. “what happened to you?….”

You knew exactly what he meant, but you couldn’t bring yourself to say it. Instead, the painful memories started to come back. Tears started to pool in the corner of your eyes, as you found yourself hugging him back just as tight. “I’m so sorry…”

His heart broke when he heard you say those same words that he had been seeing on his arm for years.

He pulled away gently, just enough so he can take a look at your face. He gently cupped your face with his hands, his heart breaking when he notices your tears. “why do you keep apologizing? You did nothing wrong…”

You shook your head gently, tears started to stream down your face.

“Everything that I do is always wrong.” You replied with small voice, barely audible.

He gently wiped your tears, slowly leaning closer. You found yourself unable to pull back, although there was nothing behind your back. “Please, stop…” He murmured, leaning even closer that your foreheads touch. You looked into his eyes and took a deep breath. “…..Saying sorry?…”

“Apologizing when you don’t even have to.” He replied, eyes staring back at you. You avoided his gaze, looking everywhere but his eyes. “But I’m-“

Your sentence was cut off abruptly when you felt his soft lips on top of yours, moving slowly against your lips. You closed your eyes, feeling your tears streaming down.

His lips were soft, and it felt so right. his kiss was full of love and passion, and it was the first time that you feel loved.

He broke the kiss first, sighing softly when he did. He pressed his forehead against yours, bumping your noses together. “Don’t do that again, okay?” You nodded wordlessly, unable to form any words as you were still dazed from the sudden kiss. Taeyong looked at you and gave you a weak smile. “You can tell me when you’re ready.”

“I will…” You replied softly, your hands finding its way to his large ones. He gently squeezed your hand, loving the way how small your hand is compared to his. He gazed at you lovingly, the corner of his lips slowly curling into a smile, a sincere one this time. “Turns out i was wrong” He suddenly said, the sudden change in his tone made you look up at him questioningly. You raised your eyebrow, wondering what he was talking about.

He gave you a wide smile before gently wiping the remaining tears on your face.

“Fate isn’t so cruel after all.”

[joelmgrif]

JUNE 2019 Family Update #1: Hard Doesn’t Always Mean Bad

If you look back at any past blog posts on this page, you know it’s been a while and my life has changed in more than a few ways since then. You can also tell because this is tumblr, and honestly I’m not going to put much effort into the formatting (sorry to any designers reading, including my sister & my wife).

I’ve always enjoyed writing from time to time, but it’s been on my heart more recently. I have to admit with all of the recent changes in my life--becoming a husband, a father, settling down, etc.--I’ve become such a sap. I’m talking tearing up at weddings & really good movies; journaling and reflecting on every stage Jenna goes through; stopping to, literally, smell the roses...Yeah, I think it’s about time to add some testosterone to this household. Which brings me to what prompted me to start writing again.

As you all know by now, we’re expecting our second child (a boy) at the end of August. I’d like to push it to October or November but for some reason Maddie didn’t like that idea--something about being uncomfortable?  Anyway, this baby is already making things interesting. After going to his first ultrasound at 20 weeks we were thrilled to see him moving around and excited to share the news with everyone that Friday. Throughout the weekend, Maddie and I both had a weird feeling about it, but chose not to worry. The following Monday, Maddie got a call from her doctor revealing some hard news to hear-- that our baby was diagnosed with a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH). Discovering this was surreal, and the countless questions started swirling in our heads. A lot has happened since the time we found out, so I’ll try to keep the details brief -- I’ll say first that he’s going to be okay.

CDH is a hole in the diaphragm, which allows organs from the abdomen (most commonly intestines, stomach, liver) into the chest cavity. They impede lung development and usually cause other developmental issues such as congenital heart defects.If you’d like to read up on it, here’s a good resource: https://www.cincinnatichildrens.org/service/f/fetal-care/conditions/congenital-diaphragmatic-hernia

At first, this was a pretty scary thing to learn about, especially considering the average survival rate is 50%. We got referred to Children’s Hospital for more testing and consultations. After a long couple of days of tests on Maddie including an MRI, multiple ultrasounds, an echocardiogram, and a 2-hour long meeting with doctors, we finally had some good news. The hole in his diaphragm is small enough to keep major organs out of his chest, only allows his intestines in, and his lungs are developing fine at this point! This could change and it’s still serious, but given the potential for worse, we are very thankful.

What this means for Maddie and baby boy: she’ll continue to go in at least weekly to monitor his condition, and she’ll be watched closely as the due date approaches. When he’s born, he’ll need a breathing tube immediately to ensure proper lung inflation until he is stabilized. Then, they will perform surgery on him to put his intestines back in place and repair the opening in the diaphragm. After surgery, he will likely be in the NICU for about a month, maybe longer depending on recovery.

So, in short, it will be a difficult few months for us coming up, but God is good all the time. He has been gracious with his timing, given us an amazing support team with family and friends, placed us right by the #2 ranked children’s hospital in the nation, and given us grace in so many other ways. I’ve always said that God is faithful in tough times but this, so far, has been one of the most tangible ways I’ve seen. Maddie and I have to laugh a little because we were so determined to leave Ohio and the Midwest after college, and God had better plans. Plans to keep us near family/friends and a hospital with a team of experts on this relatively rare defect. As with most things, we think we know best and God gently leads us back to his ways (see James 4:13-15).

We are so humbled by all of you who have expressed your concern, asked thoughtful questions, and especially have been praying over us. I can genuinely tell you we feel the prayers and support (told you I was a sap now). I’ll try to post somewhat frequently to share updates on baby boy and our family. If you’ve made it this far, congrats! You’ve earned the right to find out his name (unless you cheated and scrolled to the bottom--shame on you). Given the circumstances, we decided to reveal his name before he is born. We were also worried about Jenna spilling the beans, so here it is...

Weston Jeremy Griffith

Thanks for reading, and we humbly ask for your continued prayers over Weston--or “baby Wesh” as Jenna calls him--and the upcoming birth.

With love,

Joel & Maddie

“If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,’ even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.” -Psalm 139:11-12

P.S. Jenna (20 months) has been cracking us up lately so I’m going to include some “Jenna-isms” at the end of my posts to keep things light-hearted.

-*looking at baby brother’s ultrasound pics* “Dolphin! Dolphin right there!”

-watermelon is “materwelon”

-She wanted my dad (Papa) to do get a toy out for her and when he complied, she said, “good boy”

-Being sick, she let me rock her to sleep before a nap. She looked up at me, smiling, and said, “you an angel daddy.”

-Her current version of the alphabet: “A B C D E F G H I K ‘ELMO’ P Q R S T U V W F Y and Z, now I know my c, c, c’s next time sing me!”

[princessmovieticket]

Interveiw- Living with Chronic Illness

● When did you first notice/realized you had an illness and what/how did you notice first about the illness?

It was subltle. I watched myself decline through high school. I didn't know it was illness, I thought I was merely physically inept. You come up with explanations like this for yourself in these situations. The problem was I was not educated enough on the body to know that my issues were way out of the norm.

I would feel faint when standing for long periods of time, which seemed normal enough for a 110Lbs 17 year old girl. But then I began to have these episodes of extreme insomnia, which while also seemed normal enough, lead to episodes of the craziest hypersomnia you'd find in sleep speacialist's patients. (During my first appointment with a sleep specialist in 2015, he was CONVINCED I had narcolepsy).

I missed an average of 30 days of high school per year, mostly due to days where it was literally impossible for me to wake up no matter what I did. I got worn out easily. Gym class was the worse. I had a lead role in a school play and was very often to tired to make it to rehearsal even though I wanted to badly. (I have social anxiety, which I talk about later, but a musical is one thing I'm willing to lock it away for).

I felt guilt all of the time, maybe my best wasn't good enough? Maybe everyone else felt this way and I needed to push myself? Slowly I started to guess that something was off,  at some point I could tell this was a condition specific to me. Sadly I just assumed it was something I could try to control on my own by making healthy choices.

● How did you manage the symptoms before professionals became involved? At what point did you get professionals involved?

I started to let myself rest. In college I'd sit down in class when we were suppose to be standing for a demo. I tried not to guilt myself for all the (expensive) Ringling Classes I missed. Sophomore year I focused on going at my own pace, eating as best as I could, drinking TONS of fluid, working in my dorm room. I adjusted my sleep schedule to a strict 7-8pm bed time so I wouldn't over sleep, putting my phone on the opposite side of the room, an alarm clock app with math puzzles I had to solve to wake up to.

The problem was as I did this I continued to grow more fatigued. By the end of my Sophmore year at Ringling I only managed to get to each class once a week, if at all. Sometimes I woke up barely being able to move, I'd often spend 2-3days in my dorm room in bed before resurfacing. Even my roomates were way to busy to notice.

Once I left, my family spent the summer moving to Illinois. I was determined to fix this. For some reason, I thought all the fatigue was from Depression and that the symptoms of my (unknown) Hyperadreangic Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia was an anxiety disorder.

So I immediately got into one of the best psychiatrist in Peoria. By Novemeber 2013 I became totally bedridden, which opened the door to a lot of depression, and my uneducated self assumed depression was the problem rather than a result of other things. After about 5 months, they told me they we're not going to prescribed anymore meds because they were convinced this was something physical. They sent me on my way to an Endocrinologist and that's when the ball got rolling.

● What did you think your symptoms meant? What were your first thoughts?

Somehow, in the back of my head, my instincts anticipated for a long time where this was headed. I had asthma as a kid, and I apparently had pneumonia 33 times. Countless episodes of strep in highschool, along with stomach issues. So I figured my body was very sensitive to getting sick and becoming upset over anything it was able to respond negatively too. And as I said before, I have struggled with depression for a long time, early high school, so I assumed fatigue was an extension of that.

(An important fact, one of the first symptoms of autoimmune issues and other chronic illnesses like Multiple Sclerosis or Lupus, is Depression).

Once Psychiatric causes were off the table the causes of the chronic fatigue was a wild card. EVERY PATIENT with chronic fatigue knows it's basically the wildest card there is. It can be caused by a slew of things. I read about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and it made a lot of sense. That's when I started to take things seriously and began researching and going down paths beyond it. Becoming educated is also how I was finally able to give myself a break.

● How was it talking to your family about your initial symptoms and the illness itself? How does it feel when you talk to people about it outside of your family?

Family is the number one reason I went so long without a diagnosis. As I look back I can see how absurd my life was due to my health complications, it's incredibly obvious. My dad would hound me on how “It's a choice, Rachel! Everyone struggles, you have to just push through it.” (That's the polite version of his words). My whole life was centered around going above and beyond just to do normal things, and often do them in an exceptional way to compensate for being rather unreliable.

Once the door was opened to the fact this was physical, I panicked to find every answer I could, not so much as to fix it, but so I wouldn't be constantly beat down by the incredible guilt that came with thinking this was my fault and that I wasn't trying hard enough.

Once I came up with solid answers, I'd tell my parents, I'd explain things to them, show them articles, so I wouldn't have to risk being eaten alive by criticism. This was a major turning point for me in my life because having answers, knowing it wasn't my fault, gave me my power back.

Telling others is a mixed thing, usually I am very happy to inform them, illness symptoms and what causes them is a very relateable conversation for almost everyone. I have made good friends who met me after I became bedridden, who know to embrace it. One friend who was turned away by doctors who I told to go back because he had narcolepsy, and that week he was diagnosed with narcolepsy. Friends who had had trouble with their medications, friends who were struggling but didn't know how to approach doctors with their issues. There have been far more positive interacts from people I tell than negative. There's always going to be those who try to compare their situation and don't grasp the levity of what you're explaining, but you know you've found a new friend when you see them take a step back and suddenly re-evaluate how they are seeing you. You're suddenly in a much more personal and encouraging conversation, and those conversations go a long way.

● How did your family react? Did your immediate family react differently than your extended family? ● Who did you perceive to be helpful or not and why?

My mom has many of the same issues I do but less severe. Before me, she didn't know what to call them, and she didn't pay them a lot of attention, she didn't have to. My dad was slow to accept. It was several months of walking him through everything and always fully explaining myself to get him use to everything. My extended family was a little tricky, my mom's side understood very well. (My mother has...nine? Sisters? She's one of eleven children). I remember one time when visiting my Dad's Parents, and his brother, wife, and daughter were there. After a few hours I went to a bedroom to lay down and take a break and my uncle picked a fight with my dad claiming he was letting me get away with being lazy and destroying my life, to which my dad told him he didn't understand and began to explain P.O.Ts. This was the one time I've seen my dad stand up for me. My uncle was shocked because he was not expecting cardiac involvement, he himself has struggled with severe heart problems the past couple years. He realized this conversation was over his head and kind of just shut up after that.

I perceived my family as more on the unhelpful side. With the exception of my mom. Truthfully, everyone has let me down 97% of the time. Everything that has been diagnosed or treated has been from my persistence. No one tries to involve themselves, I spend months alone in the basement. My family member s don't come down to “talk”.  For the past few years I have not been bitter or too upset over it, but during the past 8 months, specifically the past 3, I've gotten visibly worse. I developed brain damage and began to struggle with speech, planning, flexible thinking, unable to multitask, sydenham Chorea, a form of shaking, in my hands, and tics. Because of the brain damage, it took me a while to realize what was going on, because I couldn't processes exploring the symptoms. I was blocking out doing so out because it took extra energy so I wanted to focus on other things. Hadn't I done enough analyzing of symptoms in the past? I couldn't analyze like I could a year ago, and I didn't understand that yet. I didn't realize it was the biggest road block.

Eventually, as it got totally debilitating, I was the one to figure it out and I wish to God that I wasn't. I wish that someone else would have gone “okay, something's different. Something's really wrong with Rachel.” but that's not what happened. I couldn't really be there for myself and no one that was supposed to be showed. It is a fresh wound and I am still royally pissed. I wish someone else was here for me in they way I've had to be here for myself.

The most helpful people have been my friends. My friends genuinely care even though lately I haven't seen much of them. They have an empathy that I just don't think runs in my family, unlike the health issues.

● How does your illness affect relationships with others including family, friends, and strangers?

Illness leaves me incredibly isolated. There's not a lot of people to interact with in my bedroom. I barely get to see friends anymore due to their busy schedules and my living situation. As my illness has gotten worse over the past year I've started hiding away more. Conversations and interactions can be very over stimulating, even ones online. Prior to get sick I was rather introverted with social anxiety, a social anxiety I have even in my own home that only goes away for a tiny handful of people. (When it does it's like night and day, full of passionate monologues and musical numbers, I kid you not). When someone messages me online nowadays, I get an adrenaline rush I can't curb. My body turns that into an anxiety that completely freezes me up and wears me out for the next several days. If a family member comes down during a time when I'm not feeling well that sudden adrenaline starts, I may become a little catatonic, and my speech problems will start to show. The stutter/dysaphsia due to neurological/brain damage tends to become more apparent when I'm stressed, flaring up, or have been talking to long. It can make communicating difficult and awkward.

Strangely enough, it's easier to handle it when it happens with strangers. They tend to be more inclined to listen when this happens, and not take it as personally as my family and my recent boyfriend have. But all these things have left me hesitant to communicate with people as it is one of the most exhausting things I've faced so far.

● What messages did/do you receive from the larger society about your illness?

It depends on what part of society were talking about. In the real world, the message can suck. Mostly because it's either “suck it up” or worse, it's non-exsistent. A passive, non communicative society is dangerous. It leaves the door open for things to becomes worse, for millions of others in my position to go disregarded. We are in need of your attention, of your advocacy, and a chance to represent ourselves. Whatever you do, don't become Chronically Ill or Disabled in a Capitalistic society. Unless of course, you plan on not being so chronically ill or disabled that you can monopolize on your life by writing books or creating a website filled with health tips and allergy safe recipes. Even then, that can be a soul-draining endeavor, so I don't recommend it.

Online, it is a world of empathy where others who experience similar issues continuously try to support each other. Where spreading information is a major positive. You are allowed to be sick online. I don't think I would have made it this far without the internet. So many others say the same thing. The internet has allowed so many people with Chronic Illness and disability to find ways to cope, regain a sense of community, and continue living a life. A life that is still worth living, that keeps them hanging on.

● How does your illness affect your daily life?

Illness likes to plan my days for me. It's the perfect custom prison. How long I spend on a activity is usually up to my illness, and what activity is pretty much up to my illness. For instance, pretty much everyday when I wake up, I will need to use the bathroom. But my body will be so difficult to move it will be 1-3 hours before that happens.

I can't drive anymore, I can't take walks (believe me, when Pokemon Go came out I tried), and I exclusively leave the house for medical related things.

Let's say I want to shower today, and I'm kinda feeling up to it (Yay!). But my muscles are stuck, my brain keeps freezing and I'm having trouble processing the steps to gather clothes for after the shower and walking myself to the bathroom. It can be several hours before I finally get there. Maybe I'd like to draw. After 15 minutes I'm becoming catatonic, the lights are to bright, and my brain becomes inflexible, I suddenly can't processes how to continue on the drawing and my entire being is frozen. I still want to draw, but my everything can't figure it out.

I've made a rule when planning a day, that I only have 3 task to do. For example, shower, important phone call, and ordering something I need online. This has worked really well for me.

● What is your perceived quality of life?

This past year has been rough. I don't have an actual bedroom, and having no walls or doors messes with a person's head. I developed brain damage and no one took notice. I got worse and we still don't have very solid medical explanations. I shower once every four days. And I can't clean up my guinea pig's environment as much as I like.

Everything is exposed, interactions are shallow, my body's terms are unknown, everything's a mess, and life is rather out of control despite my quiet but continuous drive to take care of all I can. It's hard to get my head outside of feeling these things.

I can't continue living like this. I'm currently doing everything I can to fix what I can and get out into a new environment.

● What are your hopes for the future?

Currently my friend Victoria and I are looking for a place to move into together. Which is a enormous step, but it's a start. It's my hope that this will be an environment where I can feel more relaxed and have friends over to visit, and that I'll be able to rebuild skills around my independence.

My hopes are very controlled by my expectations. I want to be able to find some sort of groove, find a way to manage illness and be able to do something.

I hope that medical research will advance, that information will become as popular to share in everyday life as it can be online. That people like me will be advocated for, represented, and not forgotten and hidden away.

I hope there will be more in my life than what there is now. A significant other, my own home filled with plants and large windows.

I hope that my life will be something that makes waking up and feeling like I was Daredevil-style fighting crime in my sleep, everyday, a little less crappy.

● What role does your illness play in your expectations?

It's funny you asked that, one of my most popular Tumblr post was

“People: You shouldn't give up on your dreams just because of Chronic Illness!!!*~*~*~*

Me: The only dream I have now is to recover or reach a point of slightly functional stability”

(1,153 notes, hahaha).

It's true, I had to let go of all my dreams. When you can only shower every 4 days you don't have a choice. At that point you can't even dream that big. All your day dreams become more realistic and there's no way to stop it. But ultimately, being able to establish some form of independence is a big goal of mine.

A good “expectation killer” example: I started singing again back in August on a Karaoke app called Smule Sing!. It took all my energy to just do a couple songs a day, but I was invited to an elite group on the app and got a couple hundred followers pretty fast. Singing on there was the most consistent activity I've been able to do since getting sick. Most days I had to take Lorazepam to avoid catatonia and muscle stiffness, some days I couldn't find the energy. I did well until I took the antibiotic Flagyl and developed the neurological/brain damage. It was unexpected and sudden. I've gotten some skill back, but it's so much harder now, and truthfully I don't know if this issue will ever reverse itself or improve fully.

As much as I would like to, I can't spending everyday writing or drawing, or creating some kind of job that would generate an income for myself, or even just create fulfillment for myself.

I have no idea what my future's going to be like and I'm not really planning for it, not at this moment anyway. There's too much up in the air medically to tell how I might be....heck, 2 years from now. Remember, I'm still adjusting to this past year of becoming worse. So many things are beyond my own control, and I just want to hone into the things that are so I can have somewhat of a secure footing through it all.

[me-importa-mother-blog]

Rambling about recovery

I am truly almost moved to tears to remember the feeling of having someone look u deadass and tell u that you're the reason they're sober. That you're the reason they put down the needle or the bottle. That u gave them hope, inspiration, strength. That's why I loved (and still do) working with other alcoholics and addicts because THATS ME and I'm them. I see myself in every single broken soul that walks through the door of that meeting or detox or inpatient. Sometimes I wonder why fucking me. There's so many other sick and suffering alcoholics out there so desperately in need of a sliver of hope, of being told that they matter, of having a bed to sleep in, some sense of security, companionship, a fucking family. I am one of the lucky ones. I don't know why but god chose me. God hand picked me to carry the message of recovery. And if I have EVER touched or influenced or helped at least ONE person then all of it was worth it. Every second of pain and suffering that I have endured, every bitter experience, every time I've been abandoned or rejected, every time I've been to jail or the hospital. It was ALL worth it. I know what it's like to sit in a dark room staring at the wall feeling absolute emptiness in the hollow bit of your stomach. I know what it feels like to watch the sun come up once more and to think to yourself, FUCK I did it again! I stayed awake another fucking day!!! I know what it's like to have multiple days like those and suddenly u find yourself brushing your teeth in an alley behind a warehouse in god knows what fucking city you're even in, and u haven't slept in days, u can't remember the last time u ate, and the feeling of the toothpaste stinging while coating your tongue reminds u that nothing would be better then a drink of fresh water. I know what it's like to sit in a basement while your using boyfriend is nodded out, and you're trying to hit but it's so cold and you're so dehydrated and frail that u can't find a vein. U keep missing, your veins roll, your heart is pounding, you're shaking. All u fucking want is to hit goddamn it why is it so hard!! U stop and pause. U remember nights in rehab sitting outside chain smoking while reading we agnostics out of the big book w a musician and a hippie that you're particularly fond of. And u hardly have anything in common with either of them but you've never felt so at home. A couple weeks later u sit on the couch in your sober living, just another normal day when u become consumed with negative thoughts that flood your mind. "Is this all there is?" U keep asking yourself. And u decide that u miss the taste of alcohol on your lips. The regret you'll feel the next day, the scrapes on your knees, the aching in your back. U miss the chaos, u crave self destruction and just like that you're off and running again. Starting right where u left off. U come back to your emptiness in that basement and look down at your arm, pale with dots blood everywhere from all the times you've poked yourself trying to shoot up. U look at the needle, coagulated blood fills the rig and u know the shot is worthless at this point. U take a deep breath and once again the thought crosses your mind "is this all there is?" But it's not. There's so much fucking more on the other side. It's so painful to walk through the path to face your addiction and your problems head on but goddamn I promise it's worth it. It was all worth it because I would have missed out on all of this. I never want to forget where I came from and that at any second my misery is refundable and I can go right back to where I was. While I try to live life as normally as I can, my addiction is doing push ups waiting for me to relapse, waiting to strip me of everything and everyone worthwhile that I have fought for with my entire life and heart and soul. Getting sober was the HARDEST GODDAMN THING I HAVE EVER DONE. Staying sober is a piece of cake these days but holy shit, the first six months of sobriety were excruciating. I had vivid dreams of getting loaded almost every night. I spent the first two weeks in psychosis, hallucinating nonsense. I was constipated for 17 days and once I was finally able to take a shit it was a type of pain I will never forget, that I never want to feel again. My skin felt like it was 3 sizes too small. Everywhere I went I was convinced everyone knew that I was a fake. I would cry uncontrollably at the most minuscule things like not being allowed to buy a donut at 711. All I thought about and wanted to do was get high. I wanted to feel that rush again. I wanted to feel the cough in my throats from doing a fat shot, the room spinning, my ears on fire, a sudden urge to just go. Idk where I was going or why but I just had to go. And I was either in for the high of my life or my heart was gonna give out and I was done but either way I couldn't wait to see what happened next. And 30 minutes later utter misery kicks in. I am living a hell on earth. The anxiety is so unbearable that I can't stop smacking my lips, biting my cheeks, bouncing up and down, pacing, impending doom, severe lower back pain. My first 6 months of sobriety all I wanted was to feel that again. And I told myself I wasn't done and one day I was gonna get high again I wasn't sure when but I knew I was going to and I couldn't wait for that day to come. Almost three years later here I am. Haven't touched meth or heroin since and done really plan to. I entertain the thought quite often. My mouth waters sometimes when I get blood drawn because my body is trained to think that when a needle is entering my vein, I'm about to feel high as shit in a few seconds. But then I don't. I'm still sober as fuck. And feeling completely 100% sober is the best feeling next to that rush. Nothing will ever compare to the rush. That is and will always be the absolute most incredible feeling ever. But it's fake. Nobody should ever feel that good. It's not right. And it comes at a very high price. So next to the rush feeling sober and getting to FEEL everything is the best feeling. And the reason is the best is because it's real, authentic, raw, genuine. Even when my bipolar has taken me to the darkest depths I am still feeling. The good, the bad, the silly, the angry all of it. I used to feel absolutely nothing but pure emptiness, the kind a zombie would feel. Like I had no brain, no purpose. My whole family could have gotten brutally murdered in front of me and I would honest to god have just shrugged, said oh well and carried on with doing whatever I had to do to get my next fix. Meth brings out the worst in u. It opens doors to paranormal energies that allow your body to be taken hostage. U are not in control anymore. But today, I am in control. I choose who I want to surround myself with. I make a conscious decision everyday to keep needles away from my arms and shots of vodka out of my mouth. I choose to get out of bed and wash my face and brush my teeth and go to school or work or whatever the case calls for. I choose to live. Every second I'm breathing a sober breath is an act of resistance. I am breathing for everyone who doesn't have this chance. There is a revolution in and through me that cannot be silenced. I was made for great things, I was meant to touch lives. I was made to bring people together and to love and provide a safe place where the broken can gather and be. My gratitude for my life today- every high and low- every bitter experience I've gone through- attempting suicide in sobriety when I got my heart broken- losing countless to this disease. Every. Single. Thing. My gratitude for all of these and so much more expands across galaxies. It's unfathomable, cannot be understood or rationally explained. I love myself for who I am, who I have been and who I have yet to be. Every moment that passes, I'm filled with joy because I could have missed out on all of this. And to anyone struggling, if I can do it so can u. I get to live a life today that I didn't even know I wanted. So when people tell me I have anything to do with them getting/staying sober, it means the world to me because my journey has been hell but I'm here and I'm alive and sober and mostly happy. Bipolar is a daily struggle but I have a sober mind and a full heart to take on anything that comes my way.