#genuinely i do not mean this in a begone myself way but i do not want to exist right now

[watercolor-wings]

Being autistic with a cold really sucks cause like I have anxiety and I have stomach issues and I have anxiety from those stomach issues and this has resulted in like a sensory tic that when something feels Not Normal™ in my throat (usually just gas or I swallowed wrong or something) I will freeze up, I will snap my fingers, if it's bad enough, I will hit the nearest object, like it's not fun and it's involuntary. And sometimes when I get a cold, my throat gets irritated and my lymph nodes swell and I get phlegm stuck on my vocal chords, and all this is already not fun for swallowing or breathing but its even anxiety inducing when I'm like just frozen up existing. But Kai? Don't colds only last for a few days? Won't your symptoms come and go giving you a break? NO. Cause I have to have a stupid good immune system that treats every little sniffle like I've got the Black Plague. My throat has hurt since Thursday! It's Monday! I'm only getting started today with the worst of it! But can't you at least sleep during it? Get some rest while your body is uncomfortable? That's where the autism kicks in! First off, I can't sleep during the day anyways, and second off, I literally cannot sleep when my body is doing this! I once took an antacid when I had a cold coming on thinking my sore throat was from acid reflux. You want to know what 12 hours of sick nightmareish hell feels like when no one else is awake and all you can do is sit in exactly one position the entire time because if you shift even slightly it feels like your body is going to mintily expel all your internal organs? Do that. I'm not going to get any sleep tonight. I'm going to sit in bed for 12 hours trying to ignore that my throat feels like it's swelling shut (it's not) and constantly involuntarily swallow cause it feels like there's a spiky ball in there thus making my stomach upset from the constant swallowing, which will cause my emetophobia to kick in!

I hate being sick.

[okidenshi]

Realizing that the surge in popularity of "Content/Media", especially when it comes to content things like movies, tv shows, video games, etc, means to me that western society at large enjoys media because we are told to, rather than naturally enjoying media for the insight and/or inspiration it can provide to us.

When I was a kid and was bullied for liking anime, it was because I talked about it and the character's I liked in a very genuine and personal way. Sure maybe a bit of that was "cringe", but it was ultimately out of appreciation for the story/characters/art form; it was my way of communicating how I felt to others, and also a way for me to learn more about myself in relation to the world.

Now that anime/nerd stuff is more accepted and even celebrated in the mainstream, I find myself feeling stressed to look or behave a certain way in a 'community' I once felt universally understood and accepted by. And I think it's because the "normies" (im tired i cant think of a better word) are implementing false authenticity and their own perceptions of genuineness onto a community that typically celebrates and discusses cheesy yet genuine nerdy feelings/characters/etc (not that fandom spaces dont have their downsides, but all in all, I felt WAY safer approaching/being friends with someone wearing a sailor moon shirt in middle school than anyone else).

I'm not like, upset or mad at the fact that "anime/nerdy culture is popular now", what I'm upset by is that creative media/content is just consumed and talked about like peanuts now. The content mills on shorts who start off with "your favorite characters motivation explained! and then proceed to explain nothing about anything for a minute and thirty seconds. The pressure to look nonporous and wear colored contact lenses if I cosplay because my photos "wont look as accurate".

Let me be clear i dont have an issue w/ people who genuinely LIKE to do this stuff- power to you. But some of us just want to vibe and not worry about how character accurate or "aesthetically pleasing" we look to others.

Anime/nerdy isn't suddenly popular because a majority of western culture is just now coming to appreciate the mediums. It's popular because it's been idealized and marketed as a way to feel better about ourselves in the most hollow way possible: buy the merch. buy the merch. do the dances to the music audio clip of the week, relate

And Listen! I like merch! I enjoy buying blorbo things, i get it! But dear god I've never felt so PRESSURED to PERFORM my enjoyment of the media i like. As a kid, I did it from a genuine place, but when im scrolling down reels an seeing all the other "nerdy" people are yelling at me about how this should be that and tha tneeds to be this and this is how youg et it to be perfect and to get likes and the algorithm and the beep beep boodobop- like I DO NOT CARE. I do not care.

I like the concept of making ita bags, of collecting merch, even having display shelves or rooms dedicated to collections. Again, inherently there is nothing wrong with this- and esp as an adult, I think it does bring me genuine joy to buy ye old merch. But i'm tired of pretending I don't feel the external pressure to be a "cool" kind of nerd. Cool nerds begone.... cringe nerds prosper. I will enjoy my nerd things in such a genuinely cringe and authentic way, and I will not care if im "doing it right" or not. Boo you whore.

[septembersghost]

Sorry for sending so many negative asks and you don’t have to answer the last two, or if you want to you can answer what I said about Gen Z on here. I had a hard year last year and can honestly say watching the Elvis movie in theaters, Austin’s great performance, and getting into Elvis helped me get through it. It just sucks going online for the past year and reading nothing but hateful and negative comments about Elvis and Austin on the internet, especially from holier than thou Gen Zers who have no problem stanning people who are way worse :/

going to begin with this screenshot i saved the other day, that truly just encapsulates a lot to me:

also this gif my friend chelsea shared with me of el banishing haters for us. 😊 begone!

i have a lot to say to this and am unsure where to begin, so allow me to start here:

I had a hard year last year and can honestly say watching the Elvis movie in theaters, Austin’s great performance, and getting into Elvis helped me get through it. <- first and foremost, WITH ALL MY HEART, this is the point. this is what's important. that experience belongs to you, and it's BEAUTIFUL and meaningful, and there's nothing that can or should take that away from you. i am SO glad you had the film and austin's stunning performance, and then discovering more in e himself to help you. the value in that is unbelievably special, and it's unique in all of us who discover that solace in art and hold onto it in our own ways. the film has come to mean more to me than i can express in silly little posts here, and i haven't had that for a long time.

i'm so sorry you were having a hard time, i understand in my own way. i didn't expect to even make it through last year myself. there is a particular depth of connection and some measure of healing that came with this that i can't explain except to say it exists on some spiritual level. idk if you were here when i wrote a post on the night of the grammys, but there's a significant part of myself that i'd been without for a long time, and maybe didn't even fully know was missing, that e almost immediately set back. as if that broken piece of stained glass mosaic was there, but had been knocked out of place, and when it was restored, the picture was more whole again, and i could breathe a bit easier. like a bridge over troubled water. you don't know what's lost 'til you find it! i sincerely hope that you're doing better now <333

i have to cut this because it's long. 💗

i don't know where exactly you're reading negative comments, maybe i've just been very fortunate to avoid them since i've encountered them so rarely and block the few i've seen immediately (and anyone who has anything negative to say about aus is deranged on some level, when he's unequivocally humble and kind in every interaction he has. the only things i've seen about him are inane voice comments, and not only is that not funny, and was never funny, it's also clear anyone who thinks that has never listened to a clip of elvis speaking for two seconds in their life, as they sound nothing alike! i hate that something which should only have been joyful and made him feel proud has made him self-conscious because the media can't ignore trolls on the internet. austin is such a genuine soul). regarding elvis himself, he was certainly a complex human being, but he was unquestionably a GOOD one. it takes so little time to discover exactly who he was and all that he stood for, all he did.

it's like i read a story yesterday about how, when he performed at the houston astrodome, the owner told him he didn't want black people onstage and to leave the sweet inspirations behind, and elvis was like, absolutely not, they're included or i walk, period. and then he had had them driven in a car around the arena so that everyone could see them. it's such a typical story for him (standing up for people he loved and what he believed in with a delightful dose of king shit defiant behavior). it's why it's so easy to dispel ANY claim of racism because he was distinctly anything but, and there are countless stories recounting why.

you said: To add to my comment, I can’t stand reading most zoomers opinions of Elvis because the takes are almost always misinformed and hateful yet they worship artists like (he who shall not be named, I sent you a previous anon about him) 🤷‍♀️

speaking as your millennial elder sister here, i assume they either erroneously believe he somehow mistreated people of color (could not be less true), "stole" his music and/or misappropriated culture (absolutely not the case, and if anything, he succeeded in BREAKING a lot of barriers), or the situation with priscilla. i've addressed cilla before, but anyone making that into a more salacious situation than it was is not HEARING her specifically. they victimize her without listening to a word she says about the life that is HERS. about things that were in place before they got married, about the love they had for one another. they victimize her without her consent and i find that really upsetting. they're also not hearing any of the other women he was ever romantically involved with who have shared about him extensively, nor the women who were around him platonically who adored him. or they're listening to GROSS unfounded lies perpetuated by alanna nash, who i'm on record despising. did he have some ingrained patriarchal concepts? sure. he was a white man born in 1935, but none of those ideas were outrageous and it's not fair to even weigh that against our social mores in 2023, when we've been without him for 46 years. he had tremendous respect and love (not merely in the physical way) for women. he had tremendous respect and love for PEOPLE. i think of myrna saying elvis would've loved her just the same, no matter what color she was, because of who he was. it's infuriating for that to be taken away from him by people who don't even bother to do their research or try to spend a moment lending him compassion and understanding.

not to play the whatboutism game, but the person you mention has FAR worse and actually credible allegations, and yet that gets waved off all the time. i could name...a number of very famous men who have concrete abuse allegations or stories of very dark/disturbing things, and it simply gets ignored. i could mention someone who's oft-revered who was also a misogynist, racist, antisemitic homophobe and gets very little criticism. it's crazy to me that elvis gets any of those accusations when there's documented proof of his charitable work for black people (and literally growing up with and attending church with and learning alongside of and befriending and defending!), for jewish people (including being a shabbos goy as a child!), his generosity and care for others, and so on. someone sent me an anon the other day saying they feel like people online hold him to an unfair double standard (and they referenced a different famous musician who is far more problematic), which i responded to here. the fact of the matter is, a lot of it is rooted in caricature and parody and unfair jokes/stereotypes, some of which is incorrect judgment of elvis as a human being, some of which is this idea that anyone from the south must be stupid and racist, which is wildly unfair. remember: YOU KNOW MORE THAN THEM. i KNOW it hurts and is depressing and feels bad to not be able to fight back and defend him and prove his worth to everyone who discounts him, but that's on them and they don't get it, which is their loss. tbh anyone who doesn't get it can fuck right off. you know what he means to you.

the thing about elvis is, he had this...all-encompassing need for connection and understanding, and there was some part of him always seeking that. be that spiritually, and in his deep faith and interest in many avenues of philosophical study/thought, or in his approach to love of any kind. he didn't want to be just one thing to people, he wanted to, in some way, be everything. which maybe is too much for anyone to strive towards, but it was in his essence. chelsea also recently told me elvis was very interested in all the different definitions of love - the greek words, storge, philia, eros, agape, etc, and i personally feel a strong connection to that because that's always captivated me too, not merely the differences, but the way they inform each other. how we express love in this world.

el having a temper or making some mistakes in his life does not negate the artistry he possessed, nor, on a much more personal level, the amount of good he did and heart and soul he shared with people. loved ones, family, romances, fans, he had this boundless sense of love.

which brings me to us. i mean it when i say i believe it would mean everything to him if he knew how many new people, ESPECIALLY young people, are discovering him and embracing him and remembering him.

going to quote chelsea again: "it's like the people who find him are the good ones, you know? the thoughtful, loyal, interesting ones who see him as a full person. which is all he ever wanted."

i believe, without question, that he would love us so much. i believe he was meant for us to find him. i believe it would touch his soul to know he's had an impact on us, or helped us make it through, or healed something in us in any way. that would be worth everything to him. and he's so alive in our hearts, and i know he's going to stay there. that's what has the meaning, that's what remains.

to repeat this post from the other day:

i was having a discussion with tam like five minutes before this tweet was posted, about the people who dismiss him or belittle him not understanding the truth of who he was, not loving him for the whole of him the way that we do, so when this was tweeted, it felt almost like a sign from the universe. no matter how loud the clamor of denial, WE know what that love truly is.

you decide where to put your love. you know what restores your spirit. that matters through everything. i believe he reached out to and moved austin for a reason, that that performance was meant to happen. and deep in my heart, i believe there's some light of his reaching back that sparks in ours.

[televinita]

is this a...a Reading Triage??

Since I’m in a chatty mood, and also have spontaneously started reading again (amazing how well a 5.5-day break from work will start you right up), and expect to be off work for the full last week of the month as well, I’ve decided to get Ambitious and finally do one of these again!

I think I might actually stick to a plan of almost ten whole books in the next 30 days, on top of the one I read today, because I am -- get this -- wildly excited about a ton of upcoming reads again. I know, I can’t believe it either. I love this feeling. BEGONE, TWO-STARS. Maybe even begone 3 stars...

1. Summer of Sloane - Erin Schneider: I am actually about 1/3rd done with this one, but I set it aside a few days ago to finish reading at the beach, since it was perfect for that and the weather wasn’t being very beach-day-like, and now I can’t figure out where I put it. But hopefully I rectify that soon?

[edit: ✅ done! quite good, 3.5 stars but probably rounding up on goodreads]

2. Smothered - Autumn Chiklis: a spontaneous grab off my TBR, I am now about 1/4 of the way through this one and having a blast. One of the few genuinely light & funny books I’ve picked up this year.

[edit: ✅ all smiles here]

3. Falling Out of Time - Margaret Peterson Haddix: I made a post about it and now it is FINALLY at the library and waiting for me on the hold shelf.

[edit: ✅ glad I read it]

4. Girls of July - Alex Flinn: I have been meaning to read this for the last 3 summers but I finally own it AND know where it is. This is the summer I make it happen! Almost definitely!! Four girls sharing a cabin for a month in the Adironacks, vaguely giving me Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants vibes? Yes.

[edit: if I don’t read this one, please know that it’s because “where it is” is an open grocery bag that hasn’t been touched for a year and has a spiderweb stretched across it that needs vacuuming before I can touch it, and I keep forgetting or only remembering before 9 AM or after 11PM]

5. Something Wilder - Christina Lauren: I’ve never read one of their books (except the YA novel that is a very different style and tone), but this one has me all kinds of excited. Second chance romance? Fake guided treasure hunts, but secretly maybe real treasure too? Danger?? I wanted to read it last year but the request list was REAL so I was waiting for the fervor to die down, and now it has. Mostly. I should have a copy by the 20th, at least.

[edit: ✅ fun, perfect for summer, great introduction to their adult work]

6. Something Wild & Wonderful - Anita Kelly: I wasn’t really looking for a m/m romance at the moment, and I will definitely be bracing myself to skip some scenes, but a novel about hiking the PCT just feels like a summer necessity.

[edit: ✅ exactly what I wanted]

7. Peacock Summer - Hannah Richell: a dual-timelines novel about a mansion and Family Secrets. It’s been on my TBR since it was released but it wasn’t at local libraries -- and then I found a copy at a garage sale last month! So, hyped.

8. Famous For a Living - Melissa Ferguson:

I splurged on Once Upon a Book Club for the first time, and it arrived yesterday and I am positively SQUEALING with excitement. Actually planning to bump this up to my next read as soon as I finish the books I’m in the middle of. Or maybe after the Haddix book.

[edit: ✅ done! worth my purchase but also definitely should have been saved for winter]

[amorevolousfaith]

Chapter 17 : Little Homicide

Pairing: Din (Mando) Djarin X Reader

Rating: 18+ (MINORS BEGONE!)

Word Count: 2.6K

Warnings: Cannon violence, decapitation, adult language, mentions of kidnapping, Proselytism, Chaotic energy, lots of sexual tension, smut, sexism, consumption of alcohol, talks of polyamory, talks of drugging, fucked traditions, allusions to smut.

Summary: You and the Mandalorian have a complicated history and your future just seems to get more complicated as you go along. No thanks to the strange alien baby you both ended up co-parenting.

I go ahead and board the ship, three of the four others sitting in the hull. I huff as they stare at me, Mando and Ran speak a few more words before he finally closes the ramp. I turn my head as he passes me, “I’m going to the cockpit.” He informs. I roll my eyes at his lack of trust in the droid, not that I blame him. Wordlessly I pull off my cloak and toss it over a crate, Mayfeld lets out a low whistle, “If I knew you were this pretty under there, I would have been nicer.” He chuckles. “Trust me you don’t want to be nice.” Mando grunts climbing up to the cockpit. A smirk itches across my lips, “How does that even work?” He questions waving his finger from me to where Mando disappeared to. “Yes, do tell how you and Mando came to be.” Xi’an purrs, “I bought something that didn’t belong to me, he wanted it back, I refused, we fought, then we compromised. However I’m more of a babysitter than anything at this point.” I scoff.

“Not the way I see it,”  Mayfeld chuckles, glancing over to Xi’an, both of them laughing with Burg joining in. “Trust me, he’s the impulsive one, which means more often than not I’m the levelheaded one. That doesn’t mean we don’t trade roles when it strikes the mood.” I sneer glaring at Xi’an. “Yeah, I’m just not seeing it.” Mayfeld muses with a shrug, “Underestimate me, that’ll be fun,” I muse in return before turning away from them. I settle myself on a crate and start to clean my blades, a relaxation technique for my growing anxiety regarding the strangers I have on board my ship.

The giant red beast paces the hull in a stir-crazy manner as the Twi’lek balances a knife on her finger, Mayfeld and I glaring at each other from our places across the hull. “Will you please sit down,” Xi’an sighs aggressively, The red beast stops and bangs his fists to the ceiling of the hull, “Hey!” I snap as Xi’an hisses at him. Burg turns and stomps his way over to me, “You got something to say?” He growls, “Get out of my face before I make you.” I threaten slowly. “What could you do tiny thing?” He laughs mockingly, A flare sparks in my chest, I sit straighter so I can look into his ugly dull eyes. “I have taken beast four times your size, killed them, eaten them, made them a slave. Do. Not. Test. Me.” I warn with my voice edging with an accent and eyes boring into his, Pride swells when I see them flicker, fear leaking through the cracks of dominating persona.

“Is that what all those tattoos are?” Mayfeld questions, “What would you care?” I scoff, “Morbid curiosity. The biggest thing I see is that lizard thing on your arm, doesn’t look all that big to me.” He shrugs. I quirk my eyebrow, I sheath my blade and push Burg out of the way. I jump off the crate and lift my shirt, displaying my rib cage, Mayfeld’s eyes narrow in on the tattoo as does Xi’an and Burg. “You killed one of those?” He scoffs but there’s hesitation in voice, like he’s doubting himself to ask, like he’s scared to know the answer. I push down my shirt and cock my head to the side, “Wouldn’t you like to know.” I smile. The man looks unnerved, the first genuine smile he’s ever gotten from me, and it’s a threat. “Stop touching things.” I snap, not even bothering to care who it is when I hear buttons being pressed.

Burg snarls at me and continues on before the doors to the weapon locker opens up. “Did you not hear me you—” I start in as he goes to touch what isn’t his. Mando chooses that moment to come down from the cockpit then, he scans the room before tilting his helmet at me. I set out a sigh watching him press a button on his forearm effectively closing the weapon locker from the red beast. Like a toddler Burg let's out a grunt and slams his hands against the door, only realizing Mando closed the doors on him when he turns around to see him behind him. I bite my tongue when he reaches to press a different panel, the panel near the cabin. Din catches his hand as I step closer, I tense up seeing them get in each other’s faces like brutes. “Hey, hey, okay.” Mayfeld calls as I slip over to block the cabin. “I get it, I’m a little particular about my personal space too and I’m sure the lady has some things she doesn’t want you to see. So let’s just do this job. We get in, we get out, you don’t have to see our faces anymore.” Mayfeld mediates.

“Someone tell me why we even need a Mandalorian,” Burg questions, “Well apparently they’re the greatest warriors in the galaxy, so they say.” Mayfeld quips. “Then why are they all dead?” Burg questions again, Anger runs hot through my veins, “Don't make me show you why you'll regret learning to speak. Not when your race is nothing but a waste of two billion years of evolution!” I snap hotly. Mando presses his arm back as I lean in, the three other people in the ship laughing. “Well you flew with him Xi’an. Is he as good as they say?” Mayfeld questions, “Ask him about the job on Alzoc three.” She suggests. I swallow hard, I knew about that job, he told me about it late night one on the ship. The kid was asleep, and I had a blind fold on while Din and I drank some less than child appropriate beverages and did even less child appropriate things.

“I did what I had to,” Mando informs, but Xi’an chuckles, “Oh but you liked it. See I know what you really are.” She purrs pointing the knife she had been balancing on her finger at him. She doesn't know shit. “Does he really never take off his helmet?” Mayfeld questions her, Xi’an shakes her head, “This is the way.” She mocks deeply. It draws a chuckle from Mayfeld, my finger brushing up against the blaster on my hip. “Huh, I wonder what you look like under there, bet he’s nowhere near as pretty as sweetheart over there, maybe he’s a gungan.” Mayfeld mocks, “Is that why yousa don’t want to show your face?” He continues. I bite on my tongue hard and keep myself pressed against the cabin door as laughter booms through the hull. “Have you ever seen his face?” Mayfeld questions Xi’an, my eyes instantly snap to her, I know she hadn’t but it still eats at me to know what she’s gonna say. A coy grin curls on her lips, “A lady never tells,” She purrs, “What about you sweetheart? You ever seen his face?” Mayfeld then turns to me. I seal my lips shut and glare, “ah, come on Mando we all got to trust each other here. You gotta show us something.” Mayfeld groans.

“Come on, just lift the helmet up, here I’ll make it sweet for you. Sweetheart, why don't you lift his helmet up for us?” Mayfeld offers, “How about you go to fucking hell?” I sneer, stepping away from the cabin and standing by Din. “Let us see your eyes.” He pries, Mayfeld nods and my eyes shot over to Burg. I don’t even know when he got that close given his massive size and loud personality. “I’ll do it,” He grunts, Burg yanks me out of the way before reaching for Mando. As I stumble my hand finds my blaster, I turn once I find my footing blaster aimed at Burg only to realize it’s too late. Mando and Burg had clashed with each other and struggled enough that they tossed each other into the wall, hitting the control panel to the cabin. Fear spears down my spine as the door to the cabin hisses open. “Woah! What is that?” Mayfeld questions standing from his seat, my eyes dart to Mayfeld, then the child. My brain runs rampant with slurred thoughts, my eyes darting to each member of our party. “You get lonely up here buddy, or this one of the pets you were talking about sweetheart?” Mayfeld questions, the child coos loudly and the noise stills my thoughts. I watch him carefully as he leans down, “Wait a minute did you two make that?” Mayfeld questions pointing between Mando and Xi’an. “There’s no way in hell you and her made that, She’s too pretty.” He snorts over to Mando and I.

“This a pet or somethin’?” Mayfeld questions, “Something like that,” Mando mumbles reaching over and lowering the blaster I have pointed at Burg. My eyes stay narrowed in on Mayfeld as Xi’an wanders over to Mando, I watch as Mayfeld sticks his finger out to the child.  I vaguely hear Xi’an whisper to Mando, “Me I was never really into pets. Yeah, I didn’t really have the temperament, the patients you know.” Mayfeld smirks over to me. “Then you wouldn’t like him,” I sneer quietly, “I mean I tried, but it never really worked out.” Mayfeld excuses, “But I’m thinking…that maybe I’ll try again. With this fella.” He grins picking the child up. My heart races and I raise my blaster to Mayfeld’s head, “Woah! Woah! Easy.” Mayfeld calls, freezing when he stands, “You don’t want to do this in front of the little guy do you?” Mayfeld questions. “Worse things can happen than a little homicide.” I hiss. “(y/n), Udesiir,” Mando orders, I don’t look at him, my eyes bore into Mayfeld’s, “Udesiir,” Mando orders firmly. I bite my tongue and put down my blaster.

“Dropping out of hyperspace now.” Zero calls over the intercom, my eyes widen as the pressure suddenly drops. Zero narrates his actions as we make final approach to the ship, the tricky flying has everyone tossing around in the hull. The child squeals when he slips from Mayfeld’s arms, I drop my blaster and dove. Wrapping my body around the child as we hit the floor, another body covering mine. I let out a sharp exhale when the ship stops swinging, the child letting out whines from under, “I know Ad’ika, I know.” I whisper. I glance over my shoulder to see Mando remove himself from over the top of me, he holds his hand out and helps me up. I disregard anything the droid is relaying in favor of safely placing the child back in the cabin, “Be good Ad’ika, we’ll be back soon. Don’t leave the cabin.” I whisper before letting Mando close the door.

Burg tosses some crates away from the hatch as Xi’an complains about the landing while Mayfeld confirms our position. “In and out.” I huff over to Mando, “In and out.” He agrees. “Alright people we got a job to do, Mando your up!” Mayfeld announces, I follow Mando whereas he opens up the floor hatch and connects to the prison ship hatch. As he breaks into the ship, I grab my cloak and pull it on. Just as the door to the prison ship opens Mayfeld and Xi’an gather in our small circle. After a solid second, I glance at the group, wondering why no one has taken the lead yet, aren’t we on time crunch? “Is it me?” Mayfeld mumbles, “It’s always you.” Burg grunts, a scoff left my lips. I watch as one by one they start to drop into the prison ship, I glance over at the cabin one last time before taking my turn. Mando drops in last, “Alright we’re on the clock, the second we engage those droids they’ll be on us.” Mayfeld informs, “We know the drill.” Mando states.

I wordlessly pull my hood over my head and draw both blades. Mando and Mayfeld take point as I round up the back, the five of us creeping through the hallways. I ignore all the prisoners that peek through the bars of their cells, “I don’t like this.” Mando calls, “You always were paranoid.” Xi’an snorts, “Is that true Mando? Were you always paranoid?” Mayfeld mocks. “Do you always argue like a five-year-old?” I mock in return, Mayfeld jumps as a prisoner rawers at him, a smirk itches on to my lips when the man tries to play it off. The group of us all turn when a new noise echoes through the hallway, a small box like droid whirling its way down the hallway. “Awe it’s a little mousy,” Burg mocks drawing one of his blasters, “Don’t,” Mayfeld warns, Burg looks back at us before scoffing and doing what he wanted anyways. “If he shoots that thing I’ll rip the horns out of his head,” I mumble to Mando, “Have you always been this violent?” he questions back to me. “Yes, you just forgot because the kid makes me soft,” I smirk, Mando doesn’t get to answer before a blaster goes off. I resist the urge to follow through with my threat for the sake of the mission.

That momentary control relapses when droids come from around the corner and start open firing. Mando takes me by my waist and pulls me off to the side as I block two shots of blasters. “Take them from the back?” I suggest, “Take them from the back.” He agrees with a nod. Mando and I pull away from our cover and hurry to circle around. “There were four by my count, so you take two and I take two?” He suggests as blaster fire comes back into earshot. “That works,” I shrug as we turn the corner, I take point and get a running start before sliding and taking two closest droids out by their legs. Mando moves over to take on the remaining two, I thrust my blades into the heads of my downed droids before looking to see Mando square off with his, I lick my lips, damn I miss watching him work.

“How long has it been since we’ve been bounty hunters and not improv parents?” I question yanking my blade from the head of the last droid, “Not sure. Tatooine?” He answers pushing the remains of his droid off of him. “That was all you, and it was a mess.” I scoff, “Says the one who cut off his head.” Mando muses, “I miss it though, I forgot how good you look when working.” I grin. Mando tilts his helmet to look at me but before he can respond the group comes down the hallway, “You two make sure to clean up your mess.” Mayfeld grunts bumping shoulders with Mando, I roll my eyes as Xi’an hisses at me only for Burg to charge past Mando aggressively. “Talk about inferiority complexes. Do people really have the need to establish alpha male and female presences?” I mumble over to Din, “You're the beast expert, you tell me.” He grumbles, I muffle a laugh before following after the group.

I can’t hear what Mayfeld and Zero say over the com, but I can hear Mayfeld yell at him to open the door. This must be the control room, you’d think Zero would be able to locate the package if he was already inside the system and we wouldn’t have to waste time doing this. As we approach the door slides open and I’m not prepared for what I’m met with.

<---- Prev // Masterlist // Next ---->

[clansocreations]

4 & 15 💜

4: Which sections of a bookstore do you browse?

I usually go through to the shelf with the English language books immediately and on my way out I look at the Krimis in the front. Tbh though I'm not in the bookstore all that much because the library is like. One street over.

15: Recommend a book.

i will literally never shut up about this one

This is where my story begins. It tells how I came into possession of The Bloody Book and acquired the Orm. It’s not a story for people with thin skins and weak nerves, whom I would advise to replace this book on the pile at once and slink off to the children’s section. Shoo! Begone, you cry-babies and quaffers of camomile tea, you wimps and softies! This book tells of a place where reading is still a genuine adventure, and by adventure I mean the old-fashioned definition of the word that appears in the Zamonian Dictionary: ‘A daring enterprise undertaken in a spirit of curiosity or temerity, it is potentially life-threatening, harbours unforeseeable dangers and sometimes proves fatal.’

  Yes, I speak of a place where reading can drive people insane. Where books may injure and poison them - indeed, even kill them. Only those who are thoroughly prepared to take such risks in order to read this book - only those willing to hazard their lives in so doing - should accompany me to the next paragraph. The remainder I congratulate on their wise but yellow-bellied decision to stay behind. Farewell, you cowards! I wish you a long and boring life, and, on that note, bid you goodbye!

So . . . Having probably reduced my readers to a tiny band of reckless souls at the very outset, I should like to bid the rest of you a hearty welcome. Greetings, my intrepid friends, you’re cut from the cloth of which true adventurers are made! Let us waste no more time and set out at once on our journey. For it is a journey on which we’re embarking, a journey to Bookholm, the City of Dreaming Books. Tie your shoelaces good and tight, because our route will take us first across a vast expanse of rugged, stony terrain, then across a monotonous stretch of prairie where the grass is dense, waist-high and razor-sharp, and finally - along gloomy, labyrinthine, perilous passages - deep into the bowels of the earth. I cannot predict how many of us will return. I can only urge you never to lose heart whatever befalls us.

  And don’t say I didn’t warn you!

This is how my favorite book begins. The first time I read these two paragraphs I was like "you can't scare me off, bitch" and I have never regretted my decision even once.

As you can see, it's originally in German but it's translated amazingly well and doesn't lose much in humor or flavor at all.

This is where my story begins is an important sentence in "The City of Dreaming Books".

I will quote one sentence from this text, namely, the one with which it ended. It was also the sentence which finally dissolved the writer’s block that had inhibited the author from starting work. I have since used it whenever I myself have been gripped by fear of the blank sheet in front of me. It is infallible, and its effect is always the same: the knot unravels and a stream of words gushes out on to the virgin paper. It acts like a magic spell and I sometimes fancy it really is one. But, even if it isn’t the work of a sorcerer, it is certainly the most brilliant sentence any writer has ever devised. It runs: ‘This is where my story begins.’

It's therefore quite a meaningful echo that this is the same sentence that starts his own writing debut after he has survived his "daring enterprise that sometimes proves fatal".

He wanted to find the person who had written that story, the best story he'd ever read, nay, the best story in total. In the end he ended up under Bookholm, nearly died a couple times and...well. That would be spoilers, wouldn't it?

As the name suggests this book is is a book about books, a story about stories and that shows in every aspect, from the worldbuilding to the plot.

Instead of going into the worldbuilding in detail, let me give you the general gist and show you a few of my favorite illustrations.

What's Zamonia?

Zamonia is an additional continent on Earth. After humans and fantasy species had a falling out (literally, a politician was shoved out of a window) those species all collectively moved to that one continent and gave humans the proverbial finger. That explains why fantasy creatures from every part of the world live there now. (With a twist though!)

Apart from City and it's sequel, a few other Zamonia novels have been translated into English

• The 13½ Lives of Captain Bluebear

•Rumo and his miraculous adventures

• The Alchemasters' Apprentice

What's Bookholm?

Bookholm is a city that is proficient in every part of the book industry from writing to printing to selling to reading to writing bad reviews. It smells like a very large secondhand bookshop. By the time of the sequel, most of the city's buildings are built of fossilized stone books. (They don't burn as easily and they're a cheap resource because there's so many of them)

Below the city are the so-called Catacombs where you can find both the rarest books and the most unspeakable dangers.

At the very bottom of that Labyrinth of Dreaming Books (that's the sequel btw) there is said to be the most terrifying horror of them all. They call him the Shadow king. Everyone knows him. Nobody knows anything about him....

Have I piqued your interest yet? Good! Because this book is absolutely and woefully underrated and I want to talk to someone about it without being afraid of spoiling the story for them! 😁

[fineillsignup]

Unreleased Rumors and Secrets: Minor’s Memory Book

There was a scandal for the drop rates of the first wish tree event in China, and those cards were never released for any other server. Some of those cards had Rumors and Secrets attached. Some people have translated some, but Gavin’s don’t seem to have been so, and I was asked in the R18 Discord to translate the R&S from our beloved Minor.

Minor’s Memory Book

#1

I got beaten up.

This morning, I was super bold and stuck an “evil begone” sticker onto the school bully’s lunchbox as a challenge. Well, I stuck a bunch on, and that guy suddenly came with five other guys to corner me in the alley. I straightened my back, but I felt a chill. And the result was those four words I started this entry with... I got beaten up. With a bloody nose and a swollen face, I suddenly felt that this era really has no heroes... even a strapping young lad like myself must undergo such suffering...

Suddenly, a pair of white sneakers stood before my eyes. I lifted my swollen face and struggled to focus my eyes, only to see a fierce figure. He extended a hand and grasped the bully’s neck, with steel in his gaze!

“Holy crap... it’s actually Bai! Qi! Xue! Zhang! [Bai Qi is Gavin’s Chinese name. Xuezhang is an honorific used for male seniors in school, similar to Japanese -sempai or Korean -seonbae. I will translate as Gavin-sempai for ease of understanding by a Western nerd audience.]

Today I truly got to see with my own eyes the genuine 1v5. Gavin-sempai reduced them to ashes with his hands. He glanced down at me and was gonna leave, but I grabbed onto his pant leg.

Sempai is as cold as the legends said, all he said was one word: Scram.

What a man!!!

So now my heart has one goal: I want to learn the skill of going 1v5 from sempai!

#2

I keep trying to look for Gavin-sempai, but he heartlessly ignores me... he just keeps drinking his water or sleeping or whatever... I need to go on the attack! So I'll make a plan for perfect understanding! 

Ahem. Just "following" sempai is a dull life. Every morning at 7:30 sharp he's at the school gate, with a totally flat schoolbag. I don't know if it has any books inside it... wait, is this important to write down? No, whatever, move on. 

The first thing he does is go to the snack kiosk on the north side of the school! Break! Fast! Time! Could it be that Gavin-sempai eats an ordinary breakfast just like us puny mortal men? Oooooh~ it looks like sempai really likes to eat fishballs? This is the third day in a row he ordered them. Maybe it's bad to switch up what you eat? 

I made a special effort to go to the floor with the seniors, and went by the window of his class. Of course, usually he wouldn't be there, but!! Today he was there!! 

As I expected, he sits in the very back row, so he can go to sleep without hesitation. 

 Isn't anyone paying attention to him? Oh no, what is this feeling of admiration??? [you're gay honey] 

Sempai is tricky, I dunno where he goes after class, but he goes to the library eventually. I can't help thinking, sempai really does whatever he wants. 

Huh?! Wait a minute, why would a delinquent like sempai go to the library?! 

But even more than that, what made my jaw drop is:  I saw sempai get down a book from the top shelf for the prettiest girl in the school! And he was smiling! Smi.... ling..........

#3

I got beaten up again... it really pains my heart to write those words y'know. Why did I try to save that four-eyes who seemed so foolish and helpless but turned out to be a scoundrel? But, isn't that a hero? The times need a hero like me!

Although maybe the times don't need a weak little chicken hero like me...

When I was knocked to the ground by that school bully, that's what I was thinking. My faith was in tatters, but I thought again of the steely eyes of Gavin-sempai, how great it would be if he was there...

Maybe God happened to hear my prayer, because sempai appeared out of the blue! With his cool left hook, he knocked the other guy to the ground. I was so moved my vision was blurred with tears.

Sempai asked me, why are you always making trouble for yourself? I said with passion, because I wanna be a hero, I can't stand to see school bullies bullying the weak. Then sempai said, don't you know they all say I'm a school bully?

In my heart I said yeah I know, but with a firm resolution I shook my head. When he looked at my eyes, the light in them suddenly took on a mysterious glint... as if he was seeing a... what? An idiot?...

Sempai is really hard to get on with. He spoke to me about what real heroism means, but this went so far beyond what I expected from sempai, for him to actually speak to me! I can't remember it I can't remember it...

Anyway! In my opinion, heroism is rushing to the rescue when there's trouble!

#4

Today I am! a! hero!

I don't know for how many days I've been sneaking after sempai, but today I suddenly came across sempai in a real jam! It was all the school bullies who he saved me from before! Altogether there were ten of them! Damn! Using an unfair advantage! How could I, Minor, let something like this happen!

Without thinking much, I rushed out to help sempai! Of course, I was once again immediately beaten up... but I discovered that sempai does 1v10 like he's nuclear powered! So hot, so hot, I think he's hotter than Superman or Ironman! Sempai is a god in my eyes!

But sempai is really cold, he said just two words, like a dagger through my heart: "you trying to die?" [Zhao si “looking for death” in Chinese.]

I could only tell him petulantly, I'm not trying to die, this is my heroism.

Sempai snorted coldly, and said don't sneak after me anymore, it's annoying.

Hahaha? My perfect plan has already been unmasked huh?

I don't even know why I said one more thing then: Sempai, I saw you help the prettiest girl in our school get a book... won’t you...

#5

This is the first day that I've become sempai's—no, Bai-Ge [Big Brother Bai, Gavin-Bro, Gavin-nii-san]'s little brother, hehe, suddenly I feel like I'm floating. Today I can openly walk at Bai-Ge's side. Even though I'm walking on the ground I feel like I'm on a burst of wind, wahahaha! I saw people looking at me and my expression was like that! Just like that.

But I never realized that Bai-Ge would be so strict... I was just chatting idly, mentioning that even more people were giving our school flower [the prettiest girl in school] a love letter, and Bai-Ge suddenly got a weird vibe, and made me go collect those people.

Collecting people is really tiring y'know. I had to run around to a bunch of different classrooms, and getting them to come was annoying. I don't want to do this kind of work anymore.

Bai-Ge just stared at those guys without saying anything. Was it time for me to save the show??? Remembering something I had once been told by a senior, I repeated it for them verbatim, scolding them like: Young people should put their minds on learning, and not rush into romance.

 Seeing how they were all trembling with fear made me even more excited.

After I scolded them happily, Bai-Ge walked over, and just said one line: Go take your love letters back. If you scare her, don't blame me if I get rude.

Damn, Bai-Ge is so cool! But saying that, did I just disocver a little secret that I wasn't meant to discover?! Bai-Ge's feelings for the school flower are actually...

#6

I think Bai-Ge [Big Brother Gavin] is probably, sorta, definitely in love. Lately I have become Bai-Ge's private detective, but only specializing on our school flower [MC]. Maybe I should start calling the school flower "sis-in-law"... ah, in olden times heroes also loved beauties, right!

Bai-Ge is acting so different from Bai-Ge now~

Everyday he's at the library. If you wanna know where Bai-Ge is, just ask about where the school flower is and you'll know... he doesn't get in fights, he doesn't go to the track, he doesn't play ball. Like a shadow of his former self, I even saw him using test prep books... it brought me to tears.

In the afternoon when we were in the same gym class, I excitedly told Bai-Ge that Sis-in-Law chose to do basketball! I was thinking that thinking that Bai-Ge would want to grab a basketball court near her.

 But he said, this is fine. Fine? Fine??? What about my basketball plan... I wanted to be cool!

But then I found out, hehe, Bai-Ge is super sly...

The volleyball court is actually closer to Sis-in-Law's basketball court than the other basketball courts are! One time I was a little careless in my aim and the ball almost hit Sis-in-Law in the head, but Bai-Ge came out of nowhere and slammed it away... how did Bai-Ge do that?!

How could he move so fast to the opposite end of the gym?!?! Is this some kind of superpower? It was instant! But Bai-Ge is so unromantic...

Sis-in-Law thanked him, but his face was even colder than when he looks at me... and just when I had been careless to try to push them together! And my thanks was that he stalked back looking at me like he was going to kill me, it hurt me down to my soul...

No good deed goes unpunished, boohoohoo...

#7

Today I saw another Bai-Ge [Big Brother Gavin]! And that's the Bai-Ge in a sports competition! What a man what a man what a man!!!!

In the 10 laps race, Bai-Ge actually got first! He was way ahead of the guy in second and he wasn't even out of breath!

What kind of amazing skill is this? Before I only thought he had superpowers at fighting, it looks like I have much more to learn from Bai-Ge!

Today I finally learned, even though Bai-Ge is so fierce and everybody says he's a delinquent, but when they see him running all the girls' eyes were glued to his body~

Oh, drooling.

Bai-Ge looks like he's in a pretty good mood, but when I asked him to teach me about fighting 1v10, he made me go be his private detective again.......

He was really concerned about Sis-in-Law's [MC] performance in her sprint. I don't know why he's being such a tsundere, not going himself, but making me go! And he gave me his cell phone? Why? To take creep shots? Am I, Minor, that kind of person?

I called out to Sis-in-Law, she turned her head, and luckily I was able to take a beautiful shot. It was really good looking, so Bai-Ge will definitely teach me how to 1v10 right?

Result, he! Didn't!

So Bai-Ge is "hos before bros"! [In Chinese the phrase is not so negative towards the woman; it's literally "heavy on sex light on friends"]

What could I say? All I could do was squat there watching Bai-Ge staring at the pictures in his phone, from time to time letting a silly grin show.....

Damn, Bai-Ge's smiling again! How terrifying! Love makes people lose their minds!

#8

Bai-Ge looks so depressed recently. If I called him a sad sack before, right now he's not even a sack..... Lately it seems like all he does is stare broodily into space from love.

After brooding by the piano room, he goes to the library to brood. He keeps staring at the empty place where Sis-in-Law was sitting. I dunno what he's thinking about.

But I really never thought that a guy who slept through class would actually spend the whole afternoon staring into space in the library... could it be that Bai-Ge and Sis-in-Law had a fight?

I asked around out of curiosity. I discovered that, who knows why, but lately as soon as Sis-in-Law gets out of class she rushes away, not going to the library or the piano room. I heard she goes straight home from cram school too... could she be hiding from Bai-Ge?

God, I have such an imagination, I should write soap operas. Who can say, it might be a-ok again soon!

But getting back to the topic... should i tell Bai-Ge about this? If Bai-Ge thinks that Sis-in-Law is hiding from him, won't that break his heart?

Sigh...

#9

Bai-Ge disappeared for such a long time, but today he was finally back! But he came back all covered with wounds, how could somebody not be worried! He gave me a letter in an envelope, and said it was for Lil Sis-in-Law. The envelope was intact, but it was stained with blood.

Bai-Ge must have gone to do something really dangerous, to lose so much blood! I wanted him to go to the hospital but he wouldn't go... Bai-Ge is really too stubborn!

But he was really different today. Why do I have this kind of misgiving feeling about what's going to happen? Brrrr!

He said I need to wait longer for him to teach me 1v10... damn!! If Bai-Ge wasn't injured, I really would have thrown myself on top of him and given him two cheek smooches! Bai-Ge is the handsomest! Bai-Ge is the coolest!!!

That reminds me that Bai-Ge is gonna take the gaokao [college entrance exam]. The seniors in the graduating class are all acting sentimental lately. Is Bai-Ge's goodbye for summer vacation? Hehe, I just had an idea!

While Bai-Ge isn't here, there's only me to protect Lil Sis-in-Law from would-be Romeos! 

Other men, don't even think about getting near my Lil Sis-in-Law!

She! Is! Bai! Ge's!

#10

The whole summer vacation... I never saw Bai-Ge...

[canid-slashclaw]

The Outliers - A Guild Wars Love Story

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9,  Chapters 10 and 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16 , Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20

Chapter 21

I was laying on the ground, helpless, with multiple stab wounds, several broken ribs, herniated disks in my lower back and a crushed foot. How I survived for as long as I did, I do not know. But I do know that my life was saved that day thanks to a family of humans.

They were a family of simple farmers who moonlighted as pallbearers for those who had fallen in battle. It was a father and son who first saw me. When they got to my unconscious body, they had assumed I had joined the rest in the Mists as well.

I could just barely make out the voice when the father, Eric, began poking and prodding me.

"Holy moley, dad. That's a big charr. Damn beast must'a put up a fight."

To their misfortune, my breath was still hot. "Wait a minute, son. That thing is still drawin' breath."

The father and son took me into their barn and made a makeshift bed for me to lie in. At the time I was still too out of it to even know where I was. I regained consciousness within a few days. When I did, let's just say my first interactions with them were less than hospitable.

"Hey, dad. Yuh think we can be sure those bonds are tight enough? I mean that thing looks awfully big and strong."

"Son. Our farm is on the verge of being foreclosed on. The Ebonguard will pay us a pretty penny for handing it over to them alive, especially considering its a legion officer."

"How can ya be so sure, dad?"

"Lookit the armor. Only charr officers wear that type. His intact hide will be worth a fair amount of gold."

I was finally coming around.

"Wh... where am I?"

"Humans? Bah! What's happening? Garr! My arms! Unbind me now!"

Heh. I am certain my bestial groans were more than enough to wet both their pants.

"Y... you talk?"

"Come closer and I'll tell you what I really want to say, human."

"Don't get close to him, son. He'll likely bite your face off."

I actually planned on going for the boy's skinny throat, but decided against it. The pain of a severely damaged foot persuaded me otherwise.

"We are only trying to help you, charr. If you behave nicely, we will provide your basic needs." The boy's father tried to reassure me.

"Nice is something my people aren't very good at. But killing mice like you is an entirely different matter altogether. Gah!"

My wounds were more extensive than I realized. Thus, there was little I could do but rely on their mercy even if their intentions were far from altruistic.

It was on the following day that I first saw her. She was the father's only daughter who looked to be no more than nineteen years old. Yes. I've studied humans long enough to pretty accurately tell how old they are.

Her features were delicate for a farmer's daughter. Her long, auburn hair hung past her thin waistline and her eyes were the softest blue I've ever seen in a human. In spite of her youth, she did have a mate at one time - a 'husband' humans like to call them - who had apparently been killed in a recent battle.

For the first week, she did not speak to me. However, she was responsible for changing my bedding and leaving meals for me to eat. One particular morning, I was stubbornly refusing to consume much of anything.

She stepped over me trying to coax me into nibbling on some puréed meat.

You've gotta eat something. It's been four days and you haven't touched anything we have given you." Her voiced sounded eerily soothing to me.

"Perhaps I am trying to starve myself to death. Get that crap away from me you little squeeker!" "Look. Keeping you alive is in our family's best financial interest. If you wish to be a pill and not help pay off our mortgage then I'll just have to find another way of getting you fed."

That girl poked me in a region that made even a hardened veteran like myself cringe with embarrassment. She reminded me that what went out could also go in.

"You wouldn't dare, human. Would you?"

"The hoses from the milking machine can easily be repurposed. Get my drift, furball?"

Against my pride, I acquiesced to her demands. Even though the food tasted like crap it did keep me nourished.

A month later, I was still laid up in the barn. Yet she was always there tending to my wounds and making sure my bedding was comfortable. It was during that time when she and I began conversing on more friendly terms. She told me of her husband's death as well as the pain of the loss she felt. I told her about our cubs and the two we had lost.

"So your people do not have marriages?"

"Not in the manner you humans do. Our people can commit to monogamous lifelong relationships, but such things are very uncommon."

"Do you love your mate?'

That was one question I could not honestly answer. Not that it would offend you at all, Siri.

"Briefly. But let's drop that subject, shall we?"

The girl knew she had hit a sore spot.

"I'm sorry to offend you, even if you are supposed to be nothing more than a vicious beast. At least that's what I've been taught to think of your people."

"There's more to my people than you can possibly understand, mouse. Bah! You're just a naive cub, anyway. Begone with you! I need some sleep."

In spite of my brusque demeanor, she seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me as a thinking, feeling creature.

"All this time, you never told me your name. Come to think of it, I never told you mine either. I'm Karla. Karla Longfield, what's yours?"

Reluctantly, I answered. "Crushblow... Centurion Ludrick Crushblow - Blood Legion. There now... satisfied?"

Every three days, she would replace my bindings with fresh gauze. The girl's patience with me was astounding considering how much of a hard time I had given her.

"Gah! That hurts! What are you trying to do to me, human? Torture me for information?"

"Well, if you held still while I debris those wounds, then maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad."

"You are just finding a legitimate excuse to torture an enemy combatant."

"Don't tempt me, charr. In fact, the next time I hear you complain, I'm going to shave the entire area around your wounds, bald! Got it?"

I growled and snarled at her and even tried to haphazardly lunge bite her, but she didn't seem to take me seriously. In fact, she gave me a hard yank on the tail. Strangely, that wound up hurting more than anything else.

The following week, some of my strength was beginning to return. However, my knee, my back and my right foot never completely healed properly, so I wound up relying on crutches to move around. Through it all, Karla was there helping me to build up the strength in my legs so I could eventually get around on my own without assistance.

Slowly, my condition started to improve. However, my progress was sidelined when I contracted a foul stomach ailment. For the next four days, just about everything I consumed exited though my other end roughly five hours after eating. When Karla found me the next morning, I was practically swimming in my own shit, but too weak to be able to cleanse myself.

"What in Lyssa's name?? My gods, that stench!"

"I'll bet you think this is funny. Just get me a bucket of some damn water, woman, so I can get myself clean."

"You can't do much of anything in your present condition."

She was right. The moment I tried to move, my guts felt like they were on fire. I was at her mercy whether I liked it or not.

Karla doused me with several buckets of cold water then began wiping down my fur with fresh linens. She paid special attention to my open sores making sure that any remaining fecal material had been cleaned out. Once she had cleaned and dried my fur, she began massaging my legs stating that it was to help with the circulation. Yet this time, there was something different in the way she massaged me, something even I felt but couldn't explain at the time.

"Karla. Why do you go out of your way to do all this for me? Tell me the real reason." That strange feeling inside of me began to grow.

"I... I don't know. It's for the money, okay? My family's farm needs the bounty from you in order for us to remain here. I've told you this before."

"I may not know human nuances or expressions that well, but even I know that you aren't telling me the whole truth. Please, tell me."

That was the first time that I can recall ever asking her 'please'.

"My father informed me a couple of days ago that he had contacted the Ebonguard. Instead of taking you prisoner outright, they decided to do a prisoner exchange with some legionnaires. Ten of our soldiers will be freed in exchange for you. This is scheduled to happen in the next three days. That is my other secret... satisfied now?"

I nodded but wasn't satisfied. She was still holding something back.

The following day was when it happened. She came into the barn with the intent of redressing my wounds and giving me my weekly cleansing. But when she entered, something about her scent smelled different. It smelt intoxicating and even erotic. I couldn't help but stare at her as the shafts of sunlight caused her long dress to turn translucent.

When I saw her small, curved form beneath those burlap garments, my body became aroused. As embarrassed I was to admit it at the time, I wanted to mate with that human.

"Okay, big fella. Time for a bath."

"No!" I shirked at the request fearing she would see my embarrassment.

I don't take no for an answer you stubborn furball! Let me get you out of those rags so I can bathe that matted fur of yours."

"Karla... please." She began peeling away my garments then worked her way towards removing my old dressings. The only thing I had left on me was a loincloth. I resisted her motion to have it removed. She, on the other hand, was undeterred.

"I need to clean you up everywhere. It's not like I haven't seen your sheathe before."

"Why are you looking at me that way?" Her gaze locked onto mine. She was - I could not believe the words that were coming to my head - beautiful. I wanted her, greatly.

"Oh. Ludrick."

My embarrassment was out. When she saw it she, at first, began massaging my inner thighs before finally working up the courage to touch that part of me that was the cause of my shame and delight.

"I never knew..." She grabbed hold of me even though it must have been painful in doing so due to my spines.

"Karla! Don't! It's not natural for you and me to do this."

"You and me. Yes. You know it to be true. You want it as much as I do! I want you!"

She pulled off her dress revealing her naked form. I had no time to react before she was upon me. My engorged member slid deeply into her canal as she winced in a crescendo of emotions.

"Ohhh. Gods!"

She moaned in sensuous pleasure and pain all at once. I knew my spines were tearing into her but my will had already given in to the desires of the flesh.

"I don't want to hurt you, Karla. My shaft was not meant for one such as you." I wrestled with the guilt that my anatomy was hurting her. Yet, she seemed to ignore the pain and focus only on the desire.

"I love you, Ludrick! I want to love you, as a woman should. Gaaahh!"

I released my fluid then waited for my member to subside before withdrawing from her. Her region was bloody from either our coupling or her monthly cycle. Which one it was, I could not tell. Perhaps it was a combination of both.

However, I swore that night that I would never hurt her in that manner again. Thus, I filed down my spines so that she would only experience pleasure from me. That is why I could never bear cubs. Once my ability to stimulate female ovulation was blunted, I had effectively become sterile.

Karla and I mated several more times that night and the following day. The only difference was I no longer was burdened with the guilt of my anatomy causing her pain. But in spite of my efforts, the greatest pain of all still remained.

"They are here to take you back, Ludrick. The soldiers will be here in the next ten minutes. I wish you didn't have to..."

"Karla... I know how you feel. I truly wish we could share our moments together longer. But a relationship such as ours would only bring pain and death if anyone were to find out about what we had between us."

She gave me what humans call a kiss on my muzzle. She also tried coaxing me into sticking my tongue into her mouth. I refused to do it as doing so might have caused her more discomfort. But the truth of the matter is, I very much wanted to do such.

"There is something I want you to have, Karla." I took one of my war medals then broke it in two, handing her one half while I kept the other.

"Keep this close to your heart and remember me. I will always wear my half close to mine. I will never forget you, Karla."

The father and son entered then helped me up. As I was heading from the barn and towards my future captors, Karla ran up to me and whispered in a voice so soft that only a charr could possibly hear.

"I will always love you, Ludrick Crushblow."

Those were the last words and the last time I ever saw her.

***

You see, Siri, inter-species love has happened before. I am living proof of that fact.

His former mate looked at him with a stare that could only be described as cathartic.

"The only living proof I see is that I am truly surrounded by a bunch of perverted sickos. Like sire; like cub, I suppose. Why should that not surprise me? And to think I was stupid enough allow you to screw me all those years," Siri said in her characteristic deadpan tone.

"You are the only soul I have ever revealed this to. Do what you will with the information, Siri. The winds of change are blowing and soon they will become a gale that even you must eventually come to terms with."

"The only things I'm coming to terms with is that if any of this gets out, I'm ruined."

"Go ahead and try to kill us, then. I promise you a fight the likes of which would make you wish you had never even been born." Ludrick quietly raged.

"I cannot kill that which is already dead. All of you are dead to me! This conversation never happened. In fact, this whole night never happened. I am done here!"

"Then you will not bring harm to the human, Kaleb?"

Siri scowled at him as she headed towards the door. "Didn't you comprehend me the first time? When I said all, I meant all! That little runt is free to defile herself with that mouse all she wants. I'm done wasting my time with any of you. Goodbye!"

Within moments, Siri Blastfuze bounded out the door and into the night without ever turning to look back. Ludrick felt a sense of relief that he had not felt in twenty years. He knew that Siri would no longer pose a threat to his beloved daughter or Kaleb.

Amalthia. You and Kaleb deserve the chance that Karla and I were never given.

(All chapters have been posted to AO3. Chapter 21 is posted here.)

[ambulatoryhoodie]

Being afab and mentally ill has been a learning experience for me in ‘how queer am I actually’

I didn’t think I like liked girls for a long time because I genuinely thought everyone thought girls were pretty and wanted to hold them and take them out on dates and be romantic with them. And then I thought, maybe it’s because we live in such a male view centric society that I was just conditioned to feel that way about women?

Nope! Turns out straight girls do not think about holding each other romantically! Who knew?

I’d dated guys, and had sex with guys. It wasn’t a mind blowing revelation that sex was good, like I thought it would be. Like yeah, it was fun. I enjoyed it 10/10 would bang again. But it still wasn’t a thing that I looked at a guy and thought about fucking. Wich is what I thought was supposed to happen. So am I asexual? Dimisexual? After all, it’s not like I feel like that about women either.

No, those didn’t really fit either. I kept that label for a long time before I decided maybe... looking at other people as sex objects might be unhealthy? I’m still not entirely convinced people think that way about thier preferred type.

So I stopped trying to force it and now label myself as pansexual. Because I see a cute person and I think, ‘you, yes you. I’m going to take you somewhere nice and wine and dine you.’ Or ‘I would really love to sit text to you while we watch tv.’ ‘I’d like you to be a part of my life, romantically!��� And if we bang that would be cool too!

And lately. The more I think about it. I haven’t ever liked being a girl. (I was pretty annoyed with my period but that’s every uterus owner’s experience.) I hated growing boobs, I was really upset when I first had to wear training bras. I hated it so much. I didn’t want to become a woman. I didn’t really like bikinis or swimsuits. (Loved swimming, thank god for those sporty swim suits for athletes) and then I thought. Maybe I didn’t like that because of what I believed being a woman would mean in adult hood. I didn’t want to be that.

But now I realize. It’s because I wasn’t a woman. And will not be a woman. All I am is an adult. Neither man nor woman.

And now I need to figure out what this means to me. What will I do? Will I change myself physically? (For sure a boob begone surgery) will I take hrt? Will I change my name? Am I certain this is what I want?

I still have a lot of questions, I feel I would have figured some of this out earlier if I weren’t afab? Or maybe I’m just dense idk! I don’t really like thinking about myself very much. I don’t like thinking about my likes, wants, desires, and needs.

I started taking medication two years ago.

I only started really thinking about me this year. I’d just sorta gone through life helping others achieve thier goals. Not thinking much about my own besides ‘I’m not doing that’ or ‘I could do that’. Just being the human equivalent of a leg up. Like, boosting others but no one would pull me up in return.

It’s been scary. It’s like I woke up from sleepwalking through my own life and suddenly I was stuck where I didn’t really want to be. As a person I didn’t recognize as myself. I still don’t know what I’m doing or who I am, or who I really want to be. I wish I knew, or someone could tell me. I’ve just sort of excepted what people hand me about myself my whole life. It’s hard finding out the thing I’d been handed before. Does that make sense?

I don’t know who I am. And finding out is going to be a journey. I’m not going to regret a breast reduction because I hate them everyday. But do I really feel trans? I don’t know yet. I just know I’m sick of being a woman.

[walkineternity]

Day 9: Shackled

(Good Omens)

Perhaps, Crowley thought sourly, it was finally time to invest in colour contacts.

Sunglasses just weren’t cutting it anymore. Or, at least, these people seemed to think so. He was currently tied to a chair in the middle of a circle, occult symbols etched into the ground around him.

 The manacles that held him in place burned if he tried to escape. Which he did, several times.

 Look, he wasn’t expecting this, okay? World goes mad, Heaven and Hell have a big fight, and then it’s all over. Everything back to normal, see? With the exception of him and Aziraphale, of course. Above and Below have left them alone so far, and that’s the way Crowley like it.

 But now this happens. There was an odd kerfuffle with a man in Aziraphale’s bookshop. He was looking for a rare book and was quite put off by the angel’s surly attitude. Crowley stepped in just to get him out of the shop, and that’s when the man managed to knock askew his sunglasses, revealing Crowley’s demonic eyes.

 Well, that man proceeded to panic and run out of the bookshop. Crowley knew people occasionally saw his eyes, but for the most part, tended to forget. He supposes when Adam put the world back together, and said no more messing people about, he meant it. So. the man had a clear memory of Crowley’s inhumanness. Aziraphale was worried, but Crowley shrugged it off. Really, who was going to believe a story like that?

 And then three days later he woke up like this.

 Honestly, humans.

 He was rather reluctantly impressed, though. He didn’t think anyone outside of Heaven or the Vatican had this kind of knowledge or materials.

 “Ah, good. You’re awake.”

 Crowley looked up from where he was trying to avoid getting burned by the manacles while still trying to slip out of them. It wasn’t working.

 There, standing just outside the circle, was the man. And about six other people.

 Without his sunglasses, he felt rather exposed. Which was silly. They were just humans, right? Well. Humans capable of trapping him.

 “Silent treatment, hm? I suppose you are wondering who we are.”

 The man sounded smug. Just because Crowley couldn’t seem to access most of his powers, doesn’t mean he didn’t have any tricks left. And this was such a minor one, a parlor trick.

 “Oh,” Crowley said, focussing some of his will, “I know exactly who you are, David Hobson.”

 The man, David, seemed a little taken aback, but not too surprised. The others murmured behind him. “So, you can still read my mind? Even locked up like this? Well. That’s interesting.”

 Crowley let a smile grow over his face. It was not a nice one. “Oh, Mr. Hobson. David. It’s not only your mind I can read, but your past as well. The bike incident when you were ten. Your first kiss. The last time you lied. I can read your future, as well. Would you like me to tell you how you die?”

 Crowley couldn’t really do that, but he was very good at faking it. Memories and thoughts were easy, the future was not.

 Someone behind David took a step back. Good. But David held his ground. “You cannot scare me, demon! I know what you are! We are here to eradicate you for good!”

 Crowley managed not to roll his eyes. The worst these humans could do was discorporate him. Which granted, was still awful. Especially because he doesn’t think Hell would take to kindly to seeing him back there.

 Shit. Well. He will sort that out if it comes to it. For now, he has to deal with these humans.

 “I am disappointed to hear that, David. I’m sure you and I can come to some sort of…deal. You and your friends here.” His smile turned into something a little more cajoling. “I have a lot to offer.”

 The man’s face turned sour. “You can’t tempt me, demon! I am one of those chosen by God!”

 Crowley frowned. He didn’t hear anything about that. No messing people about, right? Adam said so. What was going on here?

 He gestured and one of the people in the back brought forth a glass container containing…water?

 “We have trapped you with symbols of your opposition, and will decimate you with the water of the Heavens!”

 Shit. Is that holy water? Crowley pressed his body against the seat, instinctually trying to get as far as possible from the person carrying the water. He can’t go very far, though.

 The one good thing is that the humans couldn’t enter the circle without breaking it.

 Nothing is stopping them from just opening the lid of the container and tossing the water at him.

 Genuine fear started to creep up his spine. “Hang on there! We can talk about this!” He wasn’t sure they actually had holy water, but he couldn’t take that chance. “I can give you anything!”

 He frantically looked around as no one took the bait. They were actual believers, weren’t they? Those were a dangerous lot. He focussed on a woman to the right of David. “Lauren! You dream of your mother finally accepting you! I can do that. I can give you everything you ever wanted.”

 He knew it was messing people about. But. Does it count if they mess with you first?

 He turned to the one holding the water. “John! Your son is ill. I can make him better! He doesn’t have to suffer!”

 His face grew pale. Lauren seemed shocked. David, however, stood firm. “Don’t listen to him! All he does it lie! We must stop him. John. Prepare the water!”

 But John seemed really affected. Good. Crowley looked at him and let his voice soften. “Your son’s name is Alex. He’s only fourteen. He loves football and chocolate ice cream. He is a good student. Even studying in the hospital. He’s never been kissed.” Crowley does not feel bad about one of his kidnappers. He doesn’t. These humans are crazy. And he doesn’t- “I’m…sorry about your son. I’m sorry he has to suffer. Please, let me help. Let me out.” Oh, bugger. Showing actual empathy. Some demon he is.

 “Enough! John, do as I say! We are fighting evil here!”

 John didn’t move, though. Staring at Crowley. Hope flickering in his eyes.

 David wouldn’t stand for it, though. With a roar of frustration, he grabbed the container from John and ripped off the lid.

 Lauren moved towards David. “Wait! What if it’s true? We’ve all prayed for Alex. What if he can help John?”

 David threw a nasty look at her as her comment sent murmurs throughout the small gathering. “Stop sowing doubt! We were chosen! The Lord will reward us for destroying this demon!”

 “Erm. Actually, it’s Crowley. My name, I mean. It’s Anthony Crowley.”

 Another person spoke up behind David. A younger lady. “What kind of demon name is Anthony?” She sounded critical.

 Crowley was defensive. “It’s a good name! I chose it myself!”

 “Why wouldn’t you choose something scarier, then? Like Asmodeus?”

 Crowley wrinkled his nose in disgust. “First off, already taken. Second, Asmodeus Crowley? Sounds horrible.”

 David did not seem to like that the room was getting away from him. But John was already stepping closer to the circle. “Can you really help my son?”

 Crowley opened his mouth to respond, but David stepped over and pushed John back, saying, “This has gone on long enough!” He raised the container back, lid off, liquid splashing, and seemed like he was going to chuck the whole thing right at Crowley.

 Shit. Shitshitshit. Aziraphale, he thought desperately, was going to be so mad if he got murdered by humans.

 And then David threw the container.

 Aziraphale-

 And then, standing in front of the circle, was his angel. Who was right in the path of the holy water. The container bounced off his chest and splashed water all over his face and down his tweed suit.

 “Oh!”

 Everyone froze in shock. Aziraphale took a handkerchief from his pocket and dabbed his face. He seemed to take in the startled humans. Crowley wished he could see the expression on the angel’s face. For his part, the sheer relief at seeing Aziraphale was leaving him weak at the knees. It was a good thing he was already sitting down.

 “Well, that was rude! Throwing water at me!” He paused. None of the humans spoke. David was looking between Aziraphale and the container. “Wait. This tastes like….is this holy water? Not just any, but blessed by…. Heaven? Where in the world did you get this?”

 David sputtered. “It was supposed to work! On any demon!”

 Aziraphale tutted. “Well. I’m not a demon.” He turned and spotted Crowley in the circle. “Oh! There you are, dear! I heard you praying for me. You had me worried!” Here he wagged a finger at Crowley, like it was his fault he got kidnapped.

 Crowley’s hackles went up. “I wasn’t- I didn’t pray! Demons don’t pray! I was merely- thinking about you, that’s all!”

 Aziraphale’s smile seemed to light up the room. “Oh. Of course, dear. Whatever you say.”

 David seemed to have gathered up his nerve. He had taken out his cross and shoved it at Aziraphale. “Begone, demon! I-”

 Aziraphale turned and frowned at David. He brushed the cross aside. “Enough of that, young man! As I said, I am not a demon! You are meddling in things you know not.”

 The circle was made for a demon, not an angel. Aziraphale stepped over the circle and started to scuff the line with his shoe. David screamed, “Stop!” and leapt at the angel. Crowley had to give him props for his persistence.

 Aziraphale didn’t even turn back, just snapped his fingers in annoyance. David disappeared.

 Subsequently, all the other humans disappeared too. Well, not before freaking out and fighting each other for who was first through the door.

 “Wow, angel! Where did you send him?”

 Aziraphale shrugged and finished breaking the circle. Crowley immediately felt a wave of power return to him. He was still shackled to the chair, though. “I didn’t hurt him, of course. But he’s out of the way.”

 Crowley didn’t think Aziraphale meant to sound ominous, but he did. Never get on the angel’s bad side. Aziraphale reached for the shackles and with a touch, they fell away.

 Or, well. They were supposed to. Aziraphale frowned. “Oh, dear.”

 Crowley bit back a curse. He was almost free. “What is it?”

 “Well, these manacles seem to repel all occult forces. Demonic…and divine. We need a human to open them up.”

 Crowley groaned and said, “Well, can you go get one, then? Adam’s little friends? The Witchfinders? Nutter’s descendant? I don’t know! The bloody mailman for all I care!”

 The angel was about to answer when there was a sharp inhale from the corner of the room. Crowley and Aziraphale turned towards the sound, twin looks of bewilderment.

 Turns out not all the humans ran away. John and Lauren were huddled in the corner. It looked like Lauren wanted to say something.

 Aziraphale held up his hands and said, “Be not afraid!”

 Crowley scoffed. “Does that ever actually work?”

 Aziraphale frowned and looked back at him. “Why wouldn’t it? We’ve been using it for centuries. It’s to help humans settle down in our presence.”

 “Yeah, but if you actually have to say ‘don’t be afraid’, usually means you’ve already made them afraid. It’s like if you killed someone’s dog and then said, ‘be not sad!’. You’ve already given them a reason to be sad.”

 “It’s a comforting gesture!”

 “If someone told me don’t be afraid, that would only make me more afraid.”

 “Well, not everyone is as pessimistic as you-”

 “Um,” a new voice cut in. It was Lauren. They cut off their brewing argument to look at her. She didn’t look as afraid now. More…bemused. “We can undo the manacles. If you want.”

 Aziraphale beamed at her. “Of course! That would be lovely.”

 Lauren stood up and gestured at John to do the same. “I want something in return, though.”

 Crowley rolled his eyes. Of course. “Your mother, right?”

 Lauren shook her head. “No. I mean, that would be nice, but it’s not what’s most important.”

 John whispered, “Lauren, you don’t have to do this.”

 Crowley frowned. “I know what you desire. That was your greatest dream. What else could you want?”

 Lauren looked firm. “It’s not for me. You said you can help John’s son, Alex. That’s what I want you to do. Help him and I will let you go.”

 Aziraphale was looking curiously between them all. But with those words, he focussed on John. Crowley knew what it was like to be under the full focus of an angel. It wasn’t the most pleasant experience.

 John seemed to shrink under Aziraphale’s attention, but to his credit, managed to tell Lauren, “Oh, no. Lauren I can do this. He’s my son.”

 She turned to him. “Oh, yeah? And what if David was right? John, your son and wife need you. If this works, great. If it doesn’t, then I’ll take the hit.”

 Aziraphale spoke up. His voice was soft. “There’s no need for that. I am sorry about your son, Jonathan.” And he meant it, Crowley could tell.

 Crowley spoke up. “Look, I just want out of here. Let me out and I can help.”

 Lauren shook her head. “Help Alex first.”

 Crowley looked down and then up, as if to ask if she was serious. “I can’t do anything tied up. We can make a proper Deal if you want…” Here he glanced at Aziraphale, “I’m not really supposed to be doing that anymore. So. You’re going to have to trust me on this.”

 Lauren looked doubtful. “Trust a demon?”

 Aziraphale cut in. “You can, you know. He really isn’t so bad, for a demon.” There were both fondness and teasing in his voice.

 Lauren crossed her arms. “And who are you, again, exactly? If you aren’t a demon, what are you?”

 “Oh, my name is Aziraphale. I’m an angel. If you want, you can call me Mr. Fell.”

 Lauren looked shocked. So did John. He said, “Wait, an angel? Like from Heaven? Why are you helping a demon then? Shouldn’t you smite him or something? David said-”

 Lauren interrupted him, “Well, clearly David wasn’t right about everything. Are you really an angel?”

 Aziraphale shrugged and said, “Of course. That’s why the holy water didn’t harm me.”

 The humans were silent at that. Both seemed to be a little overwhelmed by the experience. Crowley was getting impatient. “Yesss, I’m a demon! And he’sss an angel! We’re friendsss, okay! Got a problem with that?”

 He was starting to hiss. Aziraphale took a couple steps back and put a hand on his shoulder. The humans stuttered out an agreement.

 “No, no problem!”

 “Not at all!”

 Crowley sighed and said, “Good. Now, can someone please get me out?”

 Lauren hesitated, but seemed to gather courage around her. She stepped forward and, in a fit of bravery, undid the manacles. They clattered to the ground, and she immediately stepped away.

 Huh. Humans. They really did go and put faith in a demon.

 Well. An angel and a demon.

 Crowley stood and stretched his limbs, wings automatically coming out and brushing against the ceiling. He had felt so cramped. “Ahhh. That’s better.” He threw a grin at Aziraphale, who smiled back. “I suppose I owe you dinner, angel.”

 There was a gasp and a muffled shriek. Oh, the humans. He turned to look at them, folding his wings closer to his body. “Er. Don’t be afraid?”

 Aziraphale’s hand flew over his mouth. Crowley shot him a glare that said, don’t you dare laugh.

 John seemed to find his voice. “Y-you’re free now. M-my son-”

 Crowley waved him off. “Yeah. I know. Listen, I’ll do what I can, okay? I’m not great at miracles, but I’m going to try my best.”

 Aziraphale moved closer and gently touched his arm. He leaned in and murmured in Crowley’s ear. “I can always help, dear.”

 “Yeah and get in more trouble with Heaven? I can do this.” Crowley hissed back.

 Aziraphale’s hand moved up and touched his cheek. “We are both already in so much trouble, what’s one more miracle?”

 Lauren cleared her throat and Crowley moved instinctually away from Aziraphale. She still eyed them both. “Friends, huh?”

 Crowley sputtered, thrown off guard, but the angel just laughed. It was gentle and bright.

 He said to the humans, “You both were kind enough to help us. We will help John’s son in turn.” His voice took on a sterner tone. “For now, stay out of trouble. No more demon hunting, yes?”

 Both humans nodded frantically.

 Aziraphale seemed satisfied by their answer. He turned to Crowley and put a hand on his shoulder. “Now, dear, you said something about dinner?”

 And they were gone.

 The next day, John called Lauren with good news. It was a miracle, the doctors said. They couldn’t explain it. He could take Alex home.

 John and Lauren knew who to thank, though. And in her prayers that night, for the first time, she didn’t pray about her mother. It was to say thanks. A prayer for a demon named Anthony.

 She hoped that he, and his angel, found as much happiness as she felt in that moment. That John and his son were feeling.

 And in her dreams that night, she dreamed of warm candles, the clinking sound of fine china, an angel’s bright laugh, and eyes like a snake, crinkled in tender amusement.

 And the clear song of a nightingale, carrying her away into the night.

[46ten]

Henry Knox and Lucy Flucker Knox, part 2

Part 1 here, portraits of them here. 

WARNING: this is not the entirety of the content of their letters - only a very small part. In posting these quotes, I run the risk of leaving the impression that their communication with each other is all melodramatic neediness (or beautiful heart-aching romance, OMMV). I assure that this is a minor component of their letters to each other, but the part that for reasons of 1) language, 2) social conventions, 3) marriage dynamics, interest me the most on this blog.  

In reading a few other summaries of the character of Lucy Flucker Knox, there's a pretty consistent criticism that she's overly emotional - overwrought, anxious, needy. Accusations of this type happen frequently enough with women of the 18th century that I question whether this is an accurate description of individual women, or whether women felt free, or rather were encouraged, to express themselves in such ways as part of the sensibility culture.  We're bound to a significant degree by social constraints and expectations in our own culture (think the “Cool Girl" trope). 

It begins to wear me out to read of upperclass 18th century white women described as, “intelligent,” as though that would be a shocking thing.  These women were educated and typically well-read. The fate of this education was to be a worthy companion to a wealthy man (including assisting him with his career in all the ways that could be meant), manage his household, rear proper and dutiful children, and serve the kingdom/republic through the first three. But they were expected to be smart.

Complaining about letters just seems to be a thing. Which is better for making your wife feel guilty about NOT writing you: AH’s “I was extremely disappointed, My Dear Eliza, that the Mondays post did not bring me a letter from you. You used to keep your promises better. And you know that I should be anxious to hear of your health. If the succeeding post does not rectify the omission of the former I shall be dissatisfied and pained” OR HK’s “I am unhappy that I do not hear from you. Post arrives after post and no letters from her I love to distraction. I have made so many conjectures upon this subject that I am weary of them and shall not give myself the trouble to write them to you.”

The Knoxes were spending ALOT of time apart, and when one considers that they were still in the newlywed phase when war began for them, and only married three years (and much of that time spent apart) by the summer of 1777, I think it’s natural for Lucy to wonder if Henry’s affection/passion for her has faded, especially as she recounts that she’s heard of other wives who are with their husbands for the military campaigns, and yet Henry seems to never request for her to be near (largely because of deprivations that the other wives have experienced that he chooses not to write to her about for fear she’ll find it upsetting). This was compounded by the loss of her own family.   

There are so many great phrases in these letters. Lucy: “I imagine by this time you have almost forgot my very looks and, if perchance my name is mentioned, you cry what have we to do with women...why should I wish for his company who is indifferent, whether he lives at four hundred miles distance or not.” And Henry: “I have in every former Letter express'd the true genuine feelings of my heart in the most tender expressions of which I was capable.” Here’s a man engaged in Important Things (military matters) and clearly exasperated, but his reaction is not to rebuke her but to remind her that there is no more important matter to him than her. [See also my old post about manhood that has links to other posts about sensibility and emotional expressiveness. It’s hard to exaggerate the importance of being considered a “good husband” as a sign of one’s manhood and masculinity in this society.]

BTW. his convincing her of his “ardency” later yields four kids in four years.   

ca Jan1777 Lucy Knox to Henry Knox I am sick at heart, low spirited and almost indifferent whether I live or die. Had I no friends I suppose I should not take it so hard, but when I reflect that I have a father and a mother, sisters and Brother, and yet am this poor neglected thing, I cannot bear it. As for you, I love you. I underwent almost every distress for the sake of being yours, and you forsake me. My poor dear father I must never see again. When I reflect upon his excessive tenderness for me when a child, upon the thousand times he has helped me and prayed god to make me the comfort of his age, I am half distressed and yet believe me, dear Harry, I cheerfully remained the best of partners and would do it again and again to live to be with you. But this you refuse me. I have been confined to my room almost a week, have been alone most time, and have given myself up to the Horror of the situation.  

10Jan 1777 HK to LK Believe me my Love I live, move & exist only for you. In the greatest hurry and confusion of War, you are uppermost in my thoughts, my heart is yours altogether. My Country demands my poor pittance to endeavor to rescue her from Barbarity, Tyranny, & every misery consequent on an unlimited, uncheck'd power....My Lucy, I'm well asurr'd does not wish her Harry to be ignominiously inactive during this great contest, a Contest of Virtue with vice. My heart suffers pain, exquisite pain, in being separated from you. It sympathizes, feels & weeps with yours, & often pours forth a pious petition to the great author of all things to support & comfort you. Yes my Lucy our Love is I hope & perfectly believe mutual & will increase & in one degree to another untill time shall be swallowed upon eternity....

6March1777 HK to LK ...I knew not untill now (shall I call it weakness) how dear you were to me and how necessary to my happiness.  

18March1777 LK to HK It greaves me to think you are embarked in a cause so wretchedly managed. Farewell my dearest hope....Remember the sweet hours you have passed with [your Lucy], remember the thousand proofs of affection we have mutually received, and also remember that she loves you truly, sacredly.  

23 Aug1777, LK to HK ......When I seriously reflect that I have lost my father, Mother, Brother and Sisters, entirely lost them, I am half distracted. True, I cheerfully resigned them for one far dearer to me than all of them, but I am totally deprived of him. I have not seen him for almost six months, and he writes me without pointing at any method by which I may ever expect to see him again. ‘Tis hard, my Harry, indeed it is. I love you with the tenderest the purest affection. I would undergo any hardship to be near you and you will not let me. Suppose this campaign should be, like the last, carried into the winter. Do you intend not to see me in all that time? Tell me dear what your plan is.... I am more distressed from the hot weather than any other fears. You grant you may not go farther southward; if you should I positively will come too… 

I love you with a love as true and as ever entered the human heart, but from a difference of my own merit, I sometimes fear you will love me less – after being so long from me – if you should, may my life end before I know it – that I may die thinking you wholly mine. 

18Sept1777 LK to HK  I omited writing until this morning in hopes to have received something from you by the post, but to my great disappointment, I had not a line....I would write more had I time, but you have no reason to complain as in the last fortnight I have forwarded six or seven letters. 

6Oct1777 HK to LK I expect the post will arrive this day by which I shall have the happiness of hearing from my dear Girl. 

15Oct1777 HK to LK I have received your short Letter for Doctor Lulling, but am extremely sorry to observe that two posts have arrived here by whom I have not received a single Line. It is impossible that my Lucy should have known of the circumstances of the posts going from Boston, otherwise she would have written to the man who adores her. Nothing gives me half so much pain as not hearing from you by the same medium which other people hear from their friends in Boston. I mean not to complain, but hope you will not give me the reason for [it in] the future. 

29Oct1777 HK to LK I am unhappy that I do not hear from you. Post arrives after post and no letters from her I love to distraction. I have made so many conjectures upon this subject that I am weary of them and shall not give myself the trouble to write them to you.  

3Nov1777 HK to LK I have but ten minutes to write to her whom I love with all the power and faculties of my soul. ...I have received no Letter from you Since the 3rd ultimo altho I have written regularly by the [post] and as often by private hands as was in my power.  Write me the reason of all this my Lucy. 

6Nov1777 LK to HK My All in life, I wish to write my Harry a very long letter by this post, but it is not in my power. I was last evening [seized\ with that afflicting pain at my stomach...You again in this letter of the 22nd of October, acuse me of neglecting to write by three posts, and impute it to please or negligence. My pleasures, God knows, are very few, and neglecting you is a thing I never shall be guilty of. The reason of my not writing by these posts was that they brought no Letters from the army. I imagine by this time you have almost forgot my very looks and, if perchance my name is mentioned, you cry what have we to do with women. Out of the last sixteen months we have not been six weeks together, and it is now eight months since we parted, a circumstance which I dare say you never think of or you would some times mention it in your letters. But alas, what a change from the happy days I have seen. Begone my foolish tears, why should I wish for his company who is indifferent, whether he lives at four hundred miles distance or not.  We have a report that Genl Howe has met the fate of Genl Burgoine. If that is true, do you think you can content yourself to return to my arms. If you can, may god almighty soon place you there is the prayer of your unhappy wife. 

7Nov1777 HK to LK The happiness your Last letter for the 25th Ultimo gave me was almost infinite, after not having had a line from you for a month. Did you know what pleasure and satisfaction Your Letters did me, you would spend much of Your time in writing and send them when you had opportunity. That kind providence which brought us together did not do it before our souls were previously form'd for our mutual happiness.  ...I bless the day which heaven made You mine and I hope that providence which brought us together will give me an opportunity by a long connection of convincing you with a pure ardent affection how much I love and esteem You. 

25Nov1777 HK to LK (he's finally gotten her 6Nov letter) I am unhappy to the last degree that you should suppose in the least that my affection for you is diminished. My God knows how much I suffer for Your sake, how much anxiety I go thro. This you may rely upon my dearest Love that I have no other affection on earth that bears the least Competition with that I have for you, that my being in the service is part of that affection. I have said so much on this subject of my being in the army that it is impossible I should add any thing further on the subject. I am yours wholly and entirely, and Wish to have no other Love. The greatest happiness I have is the Contemplation of when I shall enjoy in the [illegible] of my lovely Lucy. Be assur'd, my dearest Girl, that no earthly object shall ever separate me from you after this matter shall be once happily settled. I shall by the Grace and permission of God see you this Winter when I shall endeavor to convince you with all my ardency, I am your affectionate Harry. 

2Dec1777 HK to LK ...I have in every former Letter express'd the true genuine feelings of my heart in the most tender expressions of which I was capable...In short, my Lucy, no man on earth separated from all that he holds Dear on earth has ever suffered more than I have suffered in being absent from you whom I hold dearer than every other object. I have told you this so often and with all the sincerity which God ever infused into the human heart. I am unhappy at the Contents of your Letter and am very sorry to say that unhappiness will still lay [with] me until heaven shall bless me with your society....[The Truth that he will call upon God to judge] is that there was never a purer and more ardent affection than what I profess for you, and that I carry this delicacy of affection so far as to be indifferent indeed to all the rest of your sex, even to a degree not justifiable by good manners. I wish you my dearest Love to reflect seriously on what I have written and believe it as seriously as part of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. But however much you have pained me I should be extremely unhappy to give you the least pain, but in one moment of inadvertence you have written [words] which will long be the source of unhappiness to me.  

Quotes from The Revolutionary War Lives and Letters of Lucy and Henry Knox by Phillip Hamilton

[sufferthesea]

Honestly this is a bit embarrassing but I’ve started my own little naruto blog where I’ve been posting my writing and even though nobody has been attracted yet it really warms my heart to just write and enjoy what I’m writing I basically wanted to thank you for that you just seem to genuinely enjoy yourself when you find artwork or text for rare ships or just in general so yea lmao sorry this is weird but thanks❤️❤️ I hope you have a good evening

!!!!! This isn’t embarrassing or weird at all!!! Ahh!! I loved this!!! I wanted to reply to this earlier but I worked today, and during break I reread this a few times 💖💖💖 

Ah!! You should totally message me the url of your Naruto blog where you post your writing!! I’d love to read it! And if you’re enjoying your writing, then that’s what matters! And it really means so much to me that you’d take the time to send this message. In middle school I took myself way too seriously and I wasn’t very kind or happy at all (I guess that’s normal middle school stuff). It’s only been since last year that I became comfortable being open about my interests and buying merch (I’ve been into Naruto since 2007 and I used to own some trading cards back then, but it’s only since 2017 that I actually bought merch like shirts, keychains, buttons, etc.). 

But !!! it’s so much more fun to be happy and excited and enjoy yourself and enjoy what people are creating for the fandom!! I love to be excited for other people!! I’ve really seen that come into play with my work (I work at a fabric and crafts store) and I always ask people what they’re making, or I compliment the fabric they buy, and they get so excited and show me photos of their project, and it’s like ???? ??? it literally takes 30 seconds to express interest in someone else’s stuff, and it makes them so happy ??? so why wouldn’t I do it ??? A supportive fandom is really important and I’ve been in a lot of toxic fandoms, so I’m like ??? begone thot ??? I will replace all negative energy with the “Not Quite Sure What That Is, But I’m Glad You’re Enjoying It” Uncool Mom Energy™.     

BUT YEAH FOR REALS PLS SEND ME THE URL OF YOUR NARUTO BLOG I WANNA READ YOUR STUFFFF!!!! Or do I already know your blog ??? do we follow each other ??? are you a stealthy follower of mine ??? 

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

1 3 and 10 c:

Ahh, thank you for the ask! c:

1. What is your favorite DC movie and why? And least favorite?

Justice League vs. Teen Titans! Because I’m simply biased as hell.

To ALL of its elements! Azarath! In a MOVIE! Arella’s story got RECOGNIZEd– even ANIMATED! It gave Raven’s gem a BACKSTORY! It’s everything I’ve ever wanted out of a Teen Titans animation.

(Azarath being animated in a movie fulfilled my SOUL, you have NO fucking idea. It was AMAZING. And so well animated too? So pretty? So peaceful? So nice to look at? Holy god, I want ten thousand hours of documentaries on that place??? legitimate tears in my eyes when we saw it. honestly, it was just… it was so good.)

Not to mention, while the production value was Kinda Eh, the writing was really clever and the Moments (silly, fun, heartfelt, freaky, dramatic) were all really well done. It captured the “Heart” of those feelings, emotive and raw and honest. I actually enjoyed the fun moments. Myself. And wasn’t just “distantly admiring people being happy”. Do you know how much of an ACCOMPLISHMENT that is?

The music was really cool. Not to reveal my Immortal Inner Emo Kid. But “Down to Nothing” is a really good song. (One of my only problems with this movie is that it was shoddily edited in the scene, and it’s a shame, because it really is a good song… {lD it was kinda my anthem for a long, long time after this movie. “Help me: believe in something, cuz I am: broken, I’m down to nothing. And it’s just so hard to be this way, but it’s just as hard to change. So: help me, believe in sooomethiiing….”)

(Because it’s in this movie, I grin a bit whenever Ciaran randomly shuffles it up. But also because I just really like the song itself.)

Also really cool: Trigon was an abusive asshole. Ultra mega props for that element; not just making him a Bad Guy because he’s Powerful and Wants to Rule the World, but legitimately showing that he was a BAD “GUY” *and* a Bad Parent.

Also nice, Damian felt less shoehorned in than Certain Other Really Recent Robins were in the comics…. (The reason for that may have been glossed over and a touch cliche, but it worked for the movie. It did what it needed to, nothing more and nothing less.)

Good thing too, because Damian being A Kid was really nice to see. (Raven too, let’s be real. Those kids need more “fun” in their lives.) Bond the children! BOND THEM, GODDAMN IT. That’s what any good Teen Titans story really needs; friends who are a FAMILY. They love each other, even if it’s hard-earned and hard-kept.

Focused on the PEOPLE, and their WELL-BEING, just as much as (if not MORESO!) than “ohshit, Big Bad Guy to deal with here”.

(the rest is under a cut, because godDAMN. I got rambly once I started talking about Raven.)

And perhaps most important of all to me: Raven’s characterization was amazing. Truly a masterpiece. Any time you’ve got a comic character with 7 different tones and 3-4 Literal Deaths and like 28 different writers having handled her: It takes a LOT of work to pick and choose what you want to do with them. It takes a lot of WISDOM and even prowess to triangulate your Own Characterization between such dramatic differences. Raven has been cold and distant; warm and soft; sharp and bitter; lost and clueless; wise and knowledgeable; she’s a very LAYERED and COMPLEX character even in each individual VERSION.

And the movie portrayed so many of her key characteristics so wonderfully. It’s a very “complete” picture of my absolutely Iconic Favorite Character, it encompasses so much of my Favorite Parts of her throughout her entire history, and it was just such a delight to experience. I, in my unpopular opinion (at least among my contemporary Cartoon-First Generation of Teen Titans Fans), actually really liked her voice actress, too? So subtle. So snarky. So soft, even with its edge of attitude. It was such a good fit for such a good incarnation!

And then there’s the fact that they included Jaime (who does well on his own, but honestly always seemed like a natural fit to the team), Kori (a Key Titan, let’s be honest), and even Gar (because his playfulness is a key part of Whole-Team Characterization too honestly; it wouldn’t be the same without him). It was a good setup, even with the comics this continuity’s based on being totally cracked.

And Cyborg showed up. Despite working “in the big Leagues” now. Thanks for throwing us that bone, at least. lD

And Damian? They did a great job of giving him character developement. Much needed. Good shit. If he can’t be with Dick!Bats in this verse (and I deeply prefer Dick as Nightwing anyways), that’s a really good fit for him. Learning to be human. Getting comfortable with Some Normalcy. Good and relateable.

That movie was just. Ahhh. SO Good. X3 As a Teen Titans fan especially, but also just as a person who likes a good Team Becoming Family story.

I love it. It has its caveats, but none of them dampen my obnoxiously heartfelt love for this thing.

*

(…yikes .after THAT essay, the rest of my answers are going to feel so shallow.)

All that bias aside though, my other favorite DC movie is definitely Wonder Woman. Hands down. Undoubtedly, no contest, no holds bar. It was a phenomenally well-told story with a lot of wit and compelling characters that used absolutely MASTERFUL rising action, and felt GENUINE. It was told from the heart as well as the camera, and it was told beautifully. Smoothly. It felt godly and human all at once. I can’t explain it very well, but it was genuinely one of the best movies I have ever seen.

I never got very into Wonder Woman, but from what I know of the 80’s and the Really Recent comics: It also captured her backstory, her personality, and her Style of Heroism really well. But even without being very familiar with her as a character? It’s a gorgeously well-done movie.

( Note: I still haven’t seen Justice League yet, but from what I’ve heard, I’ll probably end up liking that one too.)

*

Least favorite? I don’t know, honestly.

(My least favorite superhero movie is that one Marvel one with Vision, because I literally fell asleep while watching it. That’s the first time in my entire life I’ve fallen asleep while watching ANYTHING.)

But for DC, even the silly obnoxiously-radioactive-colored Batman and Robin has its place in history.

Can I just say, maybe… “the Injustice: Gods Among Us cutscenes”?- raven’s voice really grates my nerves, and not even in a Fun Creepy Way.- Whose idea was it to have SUPERMAN go evil? Like? ?? Who thought that was in any way a reasonable idea. - the story in that game felt really cobbled together. The comics are a lot more interesting, fun, and though there’s a lot of, like, Random Occurrences that seem to happen Exclusively For The Drama, in the game there are a lot of ill-explained things and general Random Chaos. Not my kinda story.

*

3. Which DC character should be introduced in movies/shows? Or have a movie/show of their own?

I mean. My automatic response is “Raven”, but I only ever want to see that if it’s being done right. The way CW wanted to do it kinda ripped the heart of everything I know/love about her to shreds. (”Relateable normal teen girl sudden has powers”? What? What??? That’s literally NONE of Raven’s backstory, shoo. Begone. Good riddance.)

That aside, I’d honestly probably watch the HELL out of a Nightwing show. Or movie. Just LET DICK BE HIMSELF. Without being attached at the history AND HIP to Bruce!

Or Death? or Sandman? I don’t know how well they’d translate to TV; Nightwing would certainly be the safer bet. Neil Gaiman’s writing is half as great as it is because of the WRITING. The style. The narrations… But, I mean: Coraline was just wonderful~ So why not a Sandman movie, too? Given the right director, and the right special effects team…?

(Constantine would’ve been next on my list, for a better movie anyway. but he’s already getting some decent recognition. So whoop whoop. Good shit. Nice Decision, DC. I Approve.)

10. Which DC character portrayal do you think is better in the comics than in the movies?

Batman. By far.

I’m just sick of all this manpain and gritty, utterly-unyielding violence, and… politics? Where’s the humanity?

Aren’t these writers forgetting that he’s someone who has suffered, and is doing all this, not just to beat up bad guys and look cool, but to save others from what theyd do? To HELP PEOPLE, not to growl like a man-tiger and punch things?

You can be badass and still have a heart, you know. Comics!Bruce does. (Most of the time.) And that’s a big part of why I like reading Batman comics so much.

And on that note, the conspicuous lack of Robins in (most) movies is an insult to comic history. Batman’s family-seeking and protect-the-children tendancies make for a much more interesting franchise, honestly. Give us a colorful cast! (Literally!) Give us diversity! Give us more stories with more characters so it has more facets than just “some guy wants to kill people; can’t have that”!)

As a sidenote: what I’ve seen of Gotham, it’s doing a really good job of encapsulating his Heroic Tendencies as well as his “sense of Duty” to Gotham and its people, while keeping him human AND super cool. That’s an important balance.

[a-travels]

taken: 27 may, 2018 Somewhere in Iceland

Power to truth. Also *mlem*

If it wasn’t clear, this is the same day as the last post and definitive proof that the horses were indeed not alone. Though this horse is by itself too and this could just be in two separate pastures. You’ll just have to believe me, I guess.

Look at the horse. Man, it’s a cute horse. There’s no pretention or facade about the horse. The horse is a horse. If you could see these Icelandic horses, you’d marvel at how small they are. They’re basically like Lil Sebastian from Parks and Recreation⸺not ponies, but small horses. This is an adult horse that looks undergrown but is in fact not. 

For those few that somehow have stuck this long with this thing, get ready for what we call in the industry, a stretch.

I mention the horse being a horse because I am sometimes baffled by how we as humans are. “Human” humans seem to be a rarer breed than “horsey” horses nowadays. Have I lost you? Let me explain. 

One of the key differentiators of our species (apart from opposable thumbs) from so many other species out there, is our use of complex language. Animals speak, just as we do, but there’s a beauty in how simplistic it is. In the immortal words of Jeff Winger from the TV show Community: “You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals in each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tacks”. Animals communicate purely in utilitarian fashions, as far as I’m aware (if someone knows enough zoology or animal linguistics to inform me otherwise, I’d love to hear it). “There’s food here!” “Watch out for the predator!” “Come drink water!”, there’s little room for subtlety or sarcasm. Humans, I guess in our dominance as the apex predator of this planet, have developed enough of a sense of comfort that we have had the ability to develop this “complex language”. We can be subtle, indirect, sarcastic, facetious and more, and our message is still somehow generally conveyed to out audience or conversers. There’s no need for utilitarian dialogue in our society. We don’t want to hear if we look fat in an outfit or ugly in a hat, we want ourselves to feel better about ourselves and our place in this world.


Somehow, in the pursuit of that feeling, the feeling of satisfaction, some people take the route of least resistance and start to lie with gleeful abandon. It’s like in Avengers: Infinity War when the Collector asks Thanos, “Why would I lie to you?” and Thanos replies, “I imagine it’s like breathing for you.” Seriously, it’s appalling the level to which people will lie, cheat, manipulate, and con just to get ahead. Now, before anyone (any of those three readers) who calls me out for high-horsing (no pun intended) on this matter, I openly admit I’ve told my fair share of lies. But, to the best of my knowledge, I have not done it ever in a work or academic setting to better my standing. Beyond lying in professional settings, disingenuousness is perhaps my least favorite quality in a person. Any of my friends (I hope) would know that above all else in a person, I value genuineness above all else, in whatever form that may be. I think I have a pretty good read on people, but other people are not blind to that kind of stuff either. That “bullshit meter” is something I think every one of us develops over time just interacting with other people. Isn’t that kind of nuts, how ants just barf their feelings to one another while we need to develop an implicit metric to decipher other people simply being honest or not?


I don’t say all this because I’ve recently been wronged or lied to by someone. I think I have distilled and retained a social circle which at this point is open enough to be above-board and not have to lie to each other and me. It’s more of a trend I’ve seen in amongst others from my university and high school, who are so affectionately called “the snakes”, as well as on social media. I’m not going to necessarily dig into those real-life “snakes” right now because it’s beyond my understanding or energy to engage with those kinds of people right now. I manage to skirt my way around them enough that they don’t overly affect my life right now. Maybe I’ll touch on them in a future post. 

Just recently, a friend of mine was talking about how bored and isolated they are where they work. I suggested they meet up with someone (classmate of ours from high school) in the same city as them and the immediate reaction was of rebuke, simply due to that someone’s social media presence seeming put on and artificial. On that level, I get it. Social media is perhaps the means to the end of fulfilling our social satisfaction and external validation “needs”. But who really dictates that need, and where does that need stem from in the first place? I can’t hope to understand everyone’s internal struggles and or insecurities, but I know personally, it’s something I struggle with myself, finding satisfaction in myself and my work. It takes an effort in having to myself “I am enough”. I’ve never thought to look to social media for that validation I sometimes seek myself, but I get that people do. But I think in that quest, sometimes people come across as though they’re showing off, virtue signaling to others on how to act, even if they don’t intend to. In an effort to seem “human”, flawed, and trying to be a better person, they invariably look like a “snake” and often unrelatable to the trained eye. 


Before I sound hypocritical, I get that social media is at its core about a romanticized version of your life, and I am just as guilty in portraying my life in that manner. It is the modern-day photo album, that doesn’t necessarily always dig into the bad times or the fears or insecurities. It’s just the new way to remember the good times when you’re older and click back onto Facebook or Instagram. You won’t remember how you missed your flight or got caught in a rainstorm at the beach, but you will remember snorkeling and that dope meal you got the first night in and those pictures you have. It’s seldom a diary of some sort (or maybe it is for some people). It provides a fleeting comfort of how we think our lives should be⸺perfect, happy, never sad, always with friends, helping out others. But life is rarely like that. it’s messy, sweaty, tear-filled, occasionally solitary, bored, tired, worn, bruised, and battered. There’s nothing wrong with sharing that pristine side of yourself online, but in my experience, it will never solve that growing underside of things if left alone. It is uncomfortable to face those demons, to grapple with the pressures of daily life. But it never gets better just festering and growing. I found all that stuff for me really boil over and affect my life adversely within the past few years and ignoring it, in hindsight, didn’t help me.

I don’t and probably may not ever truly understand everyone’s challenges in life, but I know that trying to mask it online or mask it in person doesn’t really help. It may be a band-aid to a larger wound that may grow septic if not treated. Like I said, I’m not saying to post pictures or videos of you crying or talking about everything online unless that’s your thing (which by all means, you do you), but being human is to embrace the messiness and imperfection of life. Talk to a friend, talk to a professional, journal, blog, write in a diary, punch it out in a martial arts class, workout, whatever fuzzes your peach, it’s better to face it than hide from it. Molt that snakeskin and horse around. Be honest.


Well, this got a bit long once again. Social media etiquette and my presence there is something I’ve been thinking about since I joined facebook in high school. I don’t expect anyone to necessarily share my views on this stuff, but I would hope there’s some resonance on the idea of honesty and being genuine to one another. Also, the process of crystallizing my thoughts into actual written words isn’t super easy since I’m a pretty crummy writer so getting these cogent and short is a challenge in itself. Maybe I’ll start including a tl;dr on these things.

tl;dr - begone sneks