#genuinely happy for all the people who have plans and ambitions for the new year

[moonhze]

[soleius]

🏹 sun signs as i see them;

happy valentine day my loves!

heres a lil something i’ve been working on for awhile as i’ve hit 100 followers (now 300+ >w<)

a feel good post w/ intentions to get ya to smile <3

i appreciate you all so much

lots of love, daisy

aries/1h sun: you’re the embodiment of ambition, that glorious spark of motivation. you’re the image of when dawn breaks, that fiery red hue. you’re who i look at during times of desperation, the light of perseverance in a room full of hopelessness. the feeling of full marks after sleepless nights of frustration, my most prized possession, a taste of satisfaction.

taurus/2h sun: you're the sight of freshly baked goods on display children beg their mothers for a taste. you're a warm cup of coffee enjoyed in the streets of paris, a garden of fresh flowers tended to for several hours. you're my stubborn moments in time where i know im wrong, but i'll still fight. you're the image of precious gifts i buy despite being shy, to express my love.

gemini/3h sun: you’re days of endless conversations, where there seems to be no end in the best possible ways. you’re moments of self realization, times when self discovery is at its best. you are what it feels to be learning new ideas from someone else, a fresh perspective when you’re so introspective. you’re my best friend in moments i needed someone the most.

cancer/4h sun: you’re the feeling of listening to my favourite music from several years ago. the remnants of innocence i still carry as child, a memory so distant it almost feels like a dream. the sounds of happy chatter amongst loud clatter. you're the comforting hug from a mother, that friend that says everythings all right. you're the reassurance in times of doubt.

leo/5h sun: you're my warm summer's day spent looking at art pieces on display. an appreciation card filled with love and adoration, crafted with much consideration. you’re the epitome of loyalty, a light of positivity. the true embodiment of confidence, a genuine compliment given at random. you’re the feel good moments in life when giant smiles are shared amongst us.

virgo/6h sun: you’re long conversations of areas i want to improve in life, where we share each others plans and feel that surge of motivation to be better when we’re with each other. you’re those moments in life people consider mundane, but i call it comfort. a cup of freshly brewed tea and a lingering scent of lavender laundry detergent.

libra/7h sun: you're my days of self care, and a genuine breath of fresh air. you’re what i imagine gentle smiles in a crowd full of people, a charming stranger one hopes to meet again but never will. you're what ideal relationships seem like, the genuine thought of falling in love. a star amongst the dozen, one that shines brightest although all so similar.

scorpio/8h sun: you’re the embodiment of deep conversations held between two lovers. a secret kept for eternity maintaining sweet serenity. you’re the deepest depths of my mind meant for no one, a sweet indulgence made for someone. you’re a puzzle to be uncovered, but only by those you allow to discover.

sagittarius/9h sun: you're my late night drives blasting music without a care. the feeling of an impending adventure, the type of conversations with friends people would have to censor. you're the embodiment of luck and an absurd memory of winning a green duck. fun is wherever you go and that’s something you’ve always known.

capricorn/10h sun: you’re moments in life where all eyes are on you, centre of attention without meaning to. you’re the embodiment of authority and chic elegance, an air of admiration others fawn over from afar. a moment of silent confidence and unwavering determination. you’re the taste of sweet satisfaction among bitter hearts.

aquarius/11h sun: you're my outta pocket conversations held between friends i'll treasure forever, sounds of undistinguishable cackles-borderline cries. you're my otherworldly discoveries in the deep depths of my mind, the feeling of insanity in a crowd full of none. a scientific discovery meant for humanity, a founder of innovation among your collections.

pisces/12h sun: you’re my iridescent hope in a room full of despair, my childish inner thoughts in a world full of adults. you’re impossible to grasp, an illusion i dream. you’re the image of the moon glimmering over an watery scene. you’re who sirens fail to imitate at night, because you’re just so one of a kind. a piscean child, neptune’s pride. a sweet daydream during my loneliest of nights.

© soleius 2023 all rights reserved. do not copy, paste or repost my content anywhere. reblogs are fine :)!

[nexility-sims]

Hi, there! Love your story!! Any advice for a first-time simmer looking to do this sort of thing?

i'm gonna say from the outset that you surely did not request an automobile manual's worth of expounding on such a simple question, but ... that's what i've given you :^) partly, i wanted to cover all the of the bases of what you may have meant, so there are three parts: "general advice for thriving," "specific advice for knowing when you're ready," and "specific advice for doing what i do." hopefully these are useful and not completely derivative of what other people have said recently. beyond that, i'll just say i am always, always happy to talk about storytelling, to answer questions, and to give feedback on anything and everything. thanks for the question—and the kind words, too !

ONE - general advice for thriving

JUST START TELLING YOUR STORY ALREADY. maybe it’s obvious, but the best advice is to dive in. it’s like going for the first swim of the season and knowing you’ve got to take the plunge but dreading the cold of it. once you finally submerge yourself, you’re having fun. it’s easy to get caught up in endless preparation. planning is important, whatever that looks like for you, but you’ve got to know when it becomes procrastinating. being ready to start is not the same thing as being 100% confident and 100% polished. i’m willing to bet none of your favorite storytellers, people whose stories have been ongoing for years with dedicated readers, started off confident and polished. it may not be universal, but i think there’s a common reaction when a new reader likes your very first story post: cringing because it’s your worst work but knowing it only gets better from there. storytelling is something you have to practice, and the basics of it become more intuitive and effortless as you go.

continued and continued and continued below ...

BE INTENTIONAL ABOUT WHAT BRINGS YOU JOY. to feel satisfied and stay motivated, prioritize your passions. you want to tell this specific story for a reason; you want to do simblr storytelling, specifically, for a reason. the former is likely because you’re inspired by your plot/characters. the latter could be because you enjoy taking screenshots, you enjoy writing dialogue, you love reading simblr stories, or any number of technical reasons why the medium speaks to you. there are probably things you don’t love as much—posing sims, filling plot holes, realizing your skills don’t fully line up with your ambitions. in my experience, being able to name why you’re doing this translates into being able to crafting a story around those priorities. that, in turn, means having the motivation to power through the parts you like less. 

i hate making poses, so i approach my work from the perspective of, “i’m not going to get hung up on having the exact right poses, and i don’t want to slow my story down by wasting time in blender.” other people love making poses or decide having the right one is what’s important to them. being purposeful saves you the trouble of agonizing over things that aren’t actually necessary or, worse, that eventually lead you to burn out and abandon the work altogether. we have to make compromises to tell good stories—maybe you hate writing outlines but know doing it will make things easier later—and it’s invaluable, imo, to know why you’re making those choices. there are jacks-of-all-trades with infinite free time and buckets of inspiration among us, but you’re likely not one of them. don’t worry, though, because neither am i. 

FALL IN LOVE WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S STORIES. this one is huge, albeit ostensibly a step removed from the immediate task of storytelling. something i’ve noticed is that people who genuinely engage with other people’s work get more love for their own. it makes sense when you think about it. ideally, if someone is taking the time to catch up on my story, to ask me questions about my characters, to demonstrate that they see what i’m doing, then i want to reciprocate that. to me, it’s actually off-putting when someone only ever publicizes or discusses their own story. that being said, it’s easy to get caught up in our work—using our finite free time to make sure our project gets done—and not allocate time for getting to know other people’s. it’s no crime or even a bad thing. yet, to me, that defeats the purpose of joining a community like this one. it also makes our stories weaker, to reference the wisdom that writers must also be readers. talking to someone about their characters, their writing process, how they stage a scene in the game (or observing those elements while reading their posts) makes me reflect on what i’m doing. paying true attention to other storytellers is a practice of reciprocity that builds community, and it gives you solid examples to learn from as you go. 

FOCUS ON GROWTH, NOT WEAKNESS. relatedly, the learning element is so important! a common pitfall, especially for someone just starting out, is getting hung up on what you think you’re doing wrong and comparing yourself to others. maybe their stories are more visually pleasing. maybe their plots have better pacing and impact. maybe their characters get more engagement from readers. step one is to not compare, but i suspect most of us will cop to failing that step. step two, then, could be turning those negative feelings into motivation. if your options are getting down on yourself and abandoning your story versus pushing through and improving ... well, it’s clear to me which is the better option. step three is figuring out how to push through and improve. my advice is the above tip: make some friends whose stories you admire and who are willing to give you encouragement and feedback. most simblr folks, i find, are generous like that.

IT'S A HOBBY AND A CRAFT AND A COMMUNITY. that leads me to my final point, which is basically a bundle of generative contradictions. simblr is a hobby, which means you can’t take it too seriously. storytelling is a craft, which means you have to take it seriously to get better. story simblr is a community, which means the best way to have fun and get better is by doing it with other people. if your goal is to have a hugely popular story that hundreds of nameless followers adoringly read, then, statistically, you’re going to fail. a more reasonable goal is becoming part of a collective who are working on stories they mutually enjoy. maybe you’re in a writing group or have a beta reader. maybe you’re collaborating with another simblr. maybe you have a handful of mutuals with whom you interact exclusively through likes, reblogs, and replies. having done all of the above, my experience is that i’m most excited about my story, most motivated to work on it, most likely to get the positive engagement i want when i’m actively trying to have fun, get better, and be part of the community. from someone who is not infrequently stymied by social anxiety and perfectionism: you can’t reap benefits you don’t sow. 

TWO - advice for knowing when you’re ready:

TURN YOUR IDEA INTO A CAST AND A NARRATIVE. i say narrative instead of “outline” for a few reasons: 1) not every story is event-driven, 2) the traditionally imagined outline structure doesn’t work for everyone, and 3) pre-defining everything doesn’t work for everyone either, plus 3a) frontloading too much detail is a lot of work and 3b) can dampen creativity. maybe you have a bulleted list, an illustrated storyboard, a well-organized playlist … regardless of what it is, you should know roughly what the sequence of major experiences or events is, how they’re connected, and what you want them to convey to the reader. i did a ton of winging it when i started my main story in 2021, and i did a lot more planning with this current project; as you go, you’ll figure out what kind of preparation makes the most sense for you, and that may change, too.

MAKE DECISIONS ABOUT THE LOGISTICS. it’s important to emphasize that you can and perhaps should change your mind / experiment later, but some things are nice to have settled before you start posting. among them, i would recommend several. one is figuring out if you do scripts or screenshots first. another is knowing if your story is more gameplay-based or will rely on poses. you should also have a sense of the locations you’ll need and whether those will be existing in-game lots, builds you download from others, or ones you build yourself. are you editing your screenshots visually, in canva, photoshop, gimp, photopea, etc? are you using reshade / gshade in game? are you writing dialogue, prose, or both—and are you then putting it on the screenshots or as text below them? what’s your posting schedule going to be, if you choose to have one instead of posting as you go? these are just some considerations, but i would say they’re significant. for every combination of ways to tell a story, there’s almost certainly a simblr doing it. there’s no right or wrong, only what’s right for you.

RUN YOUR PLANS BY SOMEONE ELSE. it’s not essential or always feasible, but feedback can make you feel better about the whole thing. having someone give you constructive criticism, whether on your outline or your planned posting schedule, is helpful. even more helpful is knowing someone is already familiar and enthusiastically waiting to see more of your project. an added benefit is that, if you’re nervous about how your story will be received, this can be a practice run at sharing it! 

THREE - advice for doing what i do:

i describe my story as historical drama, as an anti / decolonial worldbulding experiment, as being about intergenerational family and the exercise of power. so, if you’d like to enter the royal simblr genre (or thereabouts) and do something that is—i think i can say—unique, then here’s my anecdotal advice.

HAVE A STRONG INSPIRATION BASE. if you’re not faithfully basing your country on a real world location, then you should at least have a solid idea of where your inspiration is coming from. i consider my story an indigenous story, and my inspiration is mainly histories and cultures in the western hemisphere—primarily but not exclusively in what’s currently mexico and central america, plus from what’s currently the united states and also some histories of the iberian peninsula. i’m not trying to recreate any particular nation or culture, but knowing the origins of influence both helps my creations feel more cohesive and gives me a reliable source when i need inspiration.

DO YOUR RESEARCH WHEN IT MATTERS. relatedly, you can’t be inspired by the real world—by real everyday people’s real cultures—without using them respectfully. more often than not, that means doing research. i suppose i think of it as, “if someone sees themself in my story, how is that going to make them feel?” i don’t let that thought discourage me or make me fearful; i use it as motivation to ensure i’m producing good representation. i know where my expertise and personal experience end, and i’m willing to put in the work to make sure i’m not being careless. that being said, research isn’t just about cultural sensitivity! doing your research—especially for historical settings or with institutions / processes you haven’t personally dealt with, like royalty or executive governance—makes the story stronger. you don’t have to bore your readers with reams of findings or shoehorning details into places they don’t belong. understanding the context in which your story takes place will help you intuitively and subtly render the world more realistic and immersive, write characters who are more believable and engaging, and craft plots that make more logical, interesting use of the setting in which they’re unfolding.

FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR PROTAGONIST. this is obvious, but it’s especially true when you’re writing a story the way i do. my storytelling is character-driven in the sense that, more than the events of the plot, i like to focus on moments that develop the characters and their relationships. it’s also character-driven in the sense that i choose a character or two and let them drive the narrative. i just don’t have the adeptness for ensemble casts; i can’t handle the moving parts, and i naturally close in on a particular character’s emotional world rather than zooming out. to make these inclinations work, it’s key to really know your lead characters(s) and feel comfortable working inside their mind / heart. i’ve harped on this before, but motivation is the single most important thing you can know about a character. it puts you on the path to answering so many other key questions, from what their desires are to how their backstory shaped them to how they struggle in the present to what their next move is. if you love your protagonist, then thinking about these questions is more fun than burdensome. 

EMBRACE THE MESS. there is a tendency to avoid messiness, one that is well-meaning but can undermine the story. if you aren’t comfortable with thematic gray areas, with unresolved loose ends, with lingering emotions, with conclusions that aren’t definitively happy, then i think you miss opportunities. these are all issues that have two sides: one is the dreaded plot hole or some equivalent writer’s mistake that leaves readers disgruntled; the other is challenging your readers and giving them intrigue to chew on, to dissect and debate, to feel as they read. my advice is that you can have contradictions and complexity and even ugliness in your story, but you have to purposefully put it there—or take control of it, if it arises on its own.

DO IT FOR YOURSELF, NOT FOR OTHER PEOPLE. at the end of the day, the story that you pour your heart into just won’t connect with or excite everyone. the characters, the plots, the world, the genres, the way you post, how you talk about the story ... it won’t always resonate the way you hope. being okay with that is what makes storytelling sustainable. sometimes i wonder why i put so much effort and thought into what i’m doing, especially when it seems like no one seems to notice. what i have to remind myself is that some people do appreciate it and, more importantly, the process brings me joy. to reference earlier advice, i’m putting effort into the parts that are my priorities, and i’ve made connections with a handful of people who give me the enthusiasm i need on days when simple enjoyment isn’t enough. “being okay with that” isn’t a permanent feeling; it’s a decision you, as a hobbyist storyteller in a casual community, have to make and remake.

it’s okay to do it for other people sometimes. i’m including this caveat because my current project is a collaboration that i started for an audience of one, and i do make a habit of trying to put a ton of effort into all of my few collaborative enterprises. one of the reasons i gravitated toward royal simblr is that it’s a very collaborative space, but i think the best ones really do build reciprocal love for someone else’s story. if you’re going to care what other people think of your work or make choices with their opinions in mind, then i suggest doing it for people who are involved—who know what your priorities are, who love your characters, and who understand what you’re trying to do well enough that their opinions actually do make the story better. like i said, we're here to have fun, to get better, to be part of something.

okay, that's it, whoever read this far down is an angel possibly with too much time on their hands. as i said at the top, happy to be a resource or a supportive voice in whatever ways are helpful ! ♥️

[hoops-and-hiphop]

I should be really studying for my religion exam however something in my yearbook specifically caught my attention...

In my yearbook it said "We urge you to take a space in this book for yourself. In that space, write a letter to your future self to read in 10, maybe 20 years. Reflect on the journey you are on right now and where you hope or plan to be in the future." Instead of writing this message in my yearbook which would clearly be read by me in a month or two or by a family member instead i have decided to put this on tumblr and schedule it to be posted in ten years from now. So, here it goes... Dear Sarah, maybe this message would be more sentimental if you were graduating. Haha Nonetheless your freshmen story should be told. So, you're 15 and just about to end your first year of highschool. Congrats on surviving it even though it wasn't really that much to handle. Yes, I must recall the first semester was very sad for you because you were going through some issues but nothing that couldn't have been resolved. The transition from elementary to highschool was very tough on you, and that reflected on your early math grades (lol). Even though you weren't with any of your old elementary friends doesn't mean that you will be sad for the rest of the year. Even though you would take SEVERAL months to become friendly doesn't mean you wouldn't have made any at all. You made some pretty cool new ones actually. Good, genuine people that would be great to stick around with throughout highschool. You started to lose some of your best friends in elementary school. Classes dont add up, fall into different cliques etc. It hurts badly, but its okay you'll get over it. You'd make a great friend to fangirl about things with so it helps. You're grades were pretty decent and consistent this year and you were a very hard worker. (Up until this point where you should have really been studying your religion notes) Keep that drive to always be better. Surprisingly you didnt really have a real crush... Even though there was this one dude who was such a great but its just not there, probably never will be. There was potential though. Hopefully you are not single if you read this.lol. Throughout the year you would have sudden bursts of sadness for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Its okay though, you got over them eventually by thinking of something stupid or a happy thought (SAN ANTONIO SPURS 2014 CHAMPIONS HAHAHA). Overall your freshmen year was pretty good i guess. Hopefully you'd have better highschool years meeting better teachers, experiences and people. You almost have no idea what you will become in the future. Hopefully successful. Well, I do hope you become an NBA analyst because as of right now that is your dream job. It may be hard to reach and you may probably even regret thinking about it. Its whatever. Ambitions and goals are what drives you. Hopefully if i ever see this in the future and tumblr still exists wherever you may be, if its working, still in university whatever just try to be the best you can be. Right now I know for a cold hard FACT that you did not make it yet... But you will. I know that for sure. Stay gold. June 19th, 2014

[fightaers]

get it ? it was disgusting because it was you.

— and ah. is that it ? so in a way izuku was right : his quirklessness didn't encompass the whole of their problem. it wasn't the breaking point of their downfall, though it must've added to it, because izuku couldn't imagine kacchan would've saddled him with deku, useless, as a nickname if it weren't an issue at all. izuku isn't sure now if he should feel relief that kacchan isn't discriminating against a minority group after all, or he should be concerned that there is something here he genuinely couldn't amend over.

izuku, after all, is a very flawed person. even beyond the state of his biology, he could be compulsively obsessive and narrow-minded once he has set his goal to something. maybe that's what kacchan had disliked, the very fact that it'd taken the blonde years before he could finally beat the insistency on izuku's part to stop following him around. or maybe it's izuku's old ambition for wanting to be a hero when everyone had made it clear that, without a quirk, his chances were about slim to none. it's a dream izuku had long traded, but that didn't mean kacchan had gotten over it.

his childhood friend is surprisingly complex like that, izuku learns. everyone who had witnessed their dynamic so far may have thought the explosive pro-hero is only mean for the sake of being mean, but it izuku could catch on immediately that there is some... drive behind it. that there is some persistency and a bitterness that runs deeper. like he said before, it felt like izuku's robbed kacchan of something a long time ago, and ever since, the blonde's trying desperately to get it back or have his revenge.

or maybe this is a long, dragged-out inner monologue to pretend he isn't hurt by the blonde's words.

maybe, as izuku couldn't deny the pang of a new wound settling around his chest at kacchan's confession, but all the same, he could feel his logic manoeuvring at the forefront of his mind. around this new hurt, his mind's quick to compartmentalise and navigate. he watches kacchan now, he thinks. izuku's expression hardens somewhat, and he doesn't let bakugou katsuki shakes him off as easily. he's gained mass over the years; in this moment, he's happy that it's rewarding him with a firmer body that's hard to knock around. ❛ and yet, it's to this disgusting deku you gave your number to, kacchan. ❜

izuku dips his head just a little, eyes trying to find the other's, as he finally relents, lets kacchan breaks their contact together. although izuku breaks away from being against the wall, and this time, it is his turn to crowd back into kacchan's space. izuku marches onwards, unrelenting, ❛ it is this deku you invited to your home. and it is this deku you eat with. you spent every other day arguing with. let's face it, kacchan — ❜ he points to the other's chest, face serious. ❛ i'm already here, aren't i ? you're trying hard to claw me out, but day-to-day you're realising i'm burrowing deeper. ❜

the blood from his nose drips into his mouth and izuku reflexively takes his hand back, far too nonchalant, and smears the red liquid against the rows of his thick fingers as a means to wipe it away. ❛ ah, kacchan... how unfortunate for you that your disgusting deku has no plans of uprooting himself away from you. ❜ a beat. izuku lets the meaning sinks in. and then, smiling quite jovially, the green-haired man finally adds, ❛ ah. unless you're scared. then i suppose it's understandable i should stay away, no ? i'm a medical officer, you know, kacchan. i shouldn't aspire fear among people i could potentially aid one day. ❜

there are hardly any times where katsuki bakugou feels cornered. when he's in a fight, leaving himself vulnerable to such an event often spells unprecedented danger, and guaranteed at least a few wounds in the process / the paparazzi outside of work have never been able to pin him down, either. nobody has been able to claim they had katsuki in a corner.

after all, when someone is cornered, that is when they are most vulnerable to an attack of any kind ; it would mean a forced confrontation. it was arguably the worst position any pro hero could find themselves in.

but izuku speaks to him in a disarming, calm tone - there is no emotion to be deciphered in gaze or expression, none to unearth in vocal inflections. izuku speaks, asks, those green eyes keeping contact with red, and katsuki can feel every fibre of his being tense. his hair feels as though it stands on end.

even though it was katsuki who had provoked him, even though it was him who had thrown the punch and pinned him to the wall, he does not feel as though he has the upper hand anymore / his anger boils under skin, but there is something else that makes a home in the pit of his stomach, churning and grasping violently inside him. his hands that once held the proverbial knife to throat feel empty now, as the cold feeling of steel now presses against his neck instead, digging into his adam's apple, dangerously close to his carotid artery.

this is not what actually happens, of course. only a rough hand wrapping around his wrist despite the dangers of explosions, fingers pressing against pulse.

it's the horror of knowing that in a few simple sentences, katsuki was cornered.

whatever venomous words he had prepared on the tip of his tongue dissolve with how quickly izuku undermines his defence / he challenges katsuki's hate in two ways. he calls into question if katsuki truly hated this, hated him - but in doing so the wrong way, he would arm deku with the means to prove that all of his actions leading to now was discrimination, that the reason for his hate was because deku was quirkless. it was all down to how he worded it, and katsuki played right into his hand by giving him that chance.

does deku feel powerful, having the pro hero cornered as he does ? did he want to seize the upper hand to humiliate katsuki - to make it so pro hero dynamight's career was now in his hands ?

katsuki seethes, but he refuses to give an answer straight away : his mind is already seeking ways out of this. he's looking for the best path ... [ don't let him win. find a weakness. make an opening. ] ... even while he keeps the green-haired man against the wall, his hand still rife with sparks and pops, even as his brows furrow and his snarl deepens the longer he can't find the right way to answer the damn questions.

but katsuki bakugou does not admit defeat. ❛ it could've been anyone else, and i wouldn't have given a fuck. ❜

free hand finally moves to seize izuku's wrist, the hand that wraps around his own, and he works to pry it away from his skin. his glare becomes resolved once more, now that he finds the words he wants to use against him. ❛ quirkless or not, i woulda fucking dealt with it. it would've just been a stupid kiss. ❜ [ this was not about deku's quirklessness, after all. it was all because he had something katsuki didn't. ] he tightens his grip in both hands. ❛ get it ? it was disgusting because it was you. ❜

[ddarker-dreams]

FINALLY SOMEONE SAID THE TRUTH.

I admit that i enjoyed act 3 but it feels like really rushed i have so much complain with that.

The build up until act 2 was so good it give us so much premise but the final blow si meh. Sorry that i want to share thing long rant with you

1. Why the final talk is with yae, no offense to her but we need ei to explain not to mention she witness khaenriah downfall so she can give us more information, i feel like they do it for the plot armor so they can just keep dragging this

2. So many things that quite inconsistant, the shogun is show no mercy to anyone that even did a little thing outside what she think its right, how come she can still have a talk with signora, when sara is falling like that, and also there is no clarification about sara right now.

The traveler was so done at first they refuse to help thoma and ayaka at the beginning. But they seem so happy and forget everything how come they are not RAGE ( okay maybe this is to bias and personal) when this nation provide nothing about our siblings information and also why they are not mention anything about their problem in ei stroy quest. Its nonsense! She is right in front of youu, ask about your siblings, ask about khaenriah, ask about ukmown god!!. How come they can just forget like that. Also mihoyo really waste the potential about twin things i thing ei will give us so much help bcs of the sympathy that we both rn lost our twin but noooo.

3. Kokomi seem lost some brain cell, she make a very succesfull grand intro but she become meh in act 3, how come a great strategist like her let the sus sponsorship slip just bcs they are desperate, not to mention her screen time is really small and her role seem so unsignificant and it feels lile she is a plain npc.

4. The awesome world quest that we have done doesnt get any mention at all! Inazuma owe us so much with cleansing sakura, thunder sakura, tatarigami, obarashi quest. It has so much potential that yae or ei or anyone else aknowledge what traveler has been done but nooo.

cracks knuckles... i suppose it's time for my promised dissertation. interestingly enough, you touched on a lot of the main issues i had with chapter III.

i think that if i had to pin the main issue, it's a lack of overall cohesiveness? we were jumping all over the place without the chance to ever flesh things out. inazuma is a smaller cast, but i feel like we didn't get to see any of them shine. since i'm most interested in the genshin characters, i'll break down my problems by going over everyone and their (lack) of impact on the story.

was ayaka not questioned or placed under suspicion for being close to thoma before his escape? i wanted to see her broken up over her duties as they relate to the yashiro commission, paired with having someone she genuinely cares about in danger. it would've been an interesting struggle if she was forced to choose one or the other. instead she just kinda took a back seat.

speaking of thoma, i don't even have anything to say, because he just... was there? for .0001 seconds. said "lol this sucks ig" and that's about it. i know we're going to get a story for him in the future since he's a 5* but i'm not getting my hopes up 😭 then in the raiden shogun's character story, man is peachy keen! be upset with the raiden shogun! have some inner conflict! even if it's just using loaded language because he's under surveillance for going against the raiden shogun, that'd be so cool. saying something like,

"Traveler, what's with that expression? Oh please, there's nothing to worry about. We're under the Statue of the Omnipresent God's protection. Nothing bad has ever happened here." *wink*

i also don't know what to say about gorou. he was... there....... i think. what is he fighting for? what are the stakes for him? what makes him place so much trust into kokomi? i'm out of things to say about him because i don't remember anything he did or said.

kokomi... oh kokomi... i was so hyped. so excited. i thought that maybe we could see a foil to the raiden shogun. that she'd have a moment where she's forced to realize, just like her opponent, sacrifices must be made that will hurt people who will never understand why she made them. or maybe something to show her military prowess. but instead she just accepts a mysterious patron's help (?), sees her people aging like the grateful dead from JJBA, and goes oh well. that sucks. what can ya do. oh bye traveler i guess, good luck with that. ????????????? HUH... similar case to thoma where she's gonna get a character story but like. she won't be the leader of the resistance anymore. that was her whole shtick. they took her shtick away. also she forced me to interact with more NPCs whose names i've already forgotten so i'm tilted about that still.

KUJOU SARA... AN INJUSTICE. A DISGRACE. a slap to my woman loving face. the build up was there. yae miko's comments about sara probably knowing the tenryou commission is involved in shady dealings, but is choosing not to think about it. sara being forced to confront reality and challenge her adopted father with the truth. being able to blaze a new path for herself in the process. when she started running to the raiden shogun i was ultra hyped up. sara, a devotee to the shogun for so long, was about to see her god interacting with the same people who led inazuma to this awful state. how would she react? would she stay ignorant, like yae miko so coyly said, choosing to look away in favor of following her god's footsteps? or would she be forced to recognize the raiden shogun isn't as divine as she once thought, and challenge her belief system?

we open the door to see the raiden shogun. the loading screen ensues. the camera pans to the ominous room, clouded in darkness, hinting at the ominous confrontation that is to come. the music takes a serious timbre. and then...

well fuck that potential character arc i guess. (we still don't know what sara made of any of this since she poofed out of existence from the story at this point)

kazuha also was handed a similar treatment. we've been with him for a while longer now. he is our introduction into inazuma, the one who first gets us emotionally involved by regaling us with the bittersweet tale of friendship that led him to becoming a wanted criminal. a kind soul who loves nature yet was dealt a cruel hand by fate, forced to watch his home nation turn into a hostile place, where his dear friend ultimately perished as a result. we get the scene with his friend's vision lighting back up. he parries a block from the raiden shogun, in the same area where his friend was killed by her. the parallels. the drama. except this time, he wasn't too late. he protected the traveler where he "failed" to protect his friend in the past. did he feel redemption at this? or was it a bittersweet reminder of what could've been?

WELL i guess we'll never know because we didn't get to talk to him again 😭 idk who got a bait and switch worse, him or sara. jesus christ mihoyo.

then we have signora. why is the raiden shogun talking to her? does she know about the gnosis being taken, and if she doesn't, what was her plan to get it from the archon? what does she think about scaramouche? and oh, okay, we're fighting here now. good fight + god tier music. pog pog. okay, now we've beaten her up, and raiden shogun wyd— wait no not signora her lore is still on CUPS not YET raiden shogun and— ah she's dead. okay. non nerds who didn't read artifact lore are going to know nothing about her. signora has such an interesting story, and yet... well. ok.

then we get raiden shogun redemption (?) arc. i was hype for this as well, though at that point, idk why i bothered being hype. i knew they were gonna do a cute power of friendship something or another, and i'm good with that, so long as it's executed well. what i was envisioning was like seven different buffs to correspond with the seven different visions, the dreams of those whose ambitions were stolen serving as the spear to penetrate the raiden shogun's heart of stone. maybe a hydro vision giving us extra healing for a time, with the voice acting over it being like,

"Even if the rest of the world forgets us, let our will carry you through this one final time. Succeed where we couldn't, Traveler."

so on and so forth.

but instead we got— you get the idea at this point. why bother spelling it out anymore.

at that point i was surprised the raiden shogun didn't go "oopsie woopsie!! we made a fucky wucky!!!" because that was the vibe i was getting. i love ei, don't get me wrong, but i wanted to see her challenged with what she had done to inazuma in the past year. maybe meeting NPC #2345259 who lost her sister to the vision decree or something, reminding ei of the love she held for her sister... being forced to come to terms with the extent of what she's done in pursuit of eternity.

anyway. please for the love of god mihoyo hire better writers for the main story. that is all i ask. thank you.

[lochrannn]

Maybe how to stick to finishing your wip? Setting up fic goals? I have a tendency to abandon my wips for stupid reasons, start something new and so on and I hate it.

Mmmhh, I think this one is hard to answer, cause I really am not usually the type of person who even starts a job, let alone finishes it. Many of my irl friends would point to me as the person they know who procrastinates the hardest on basically anything.

But I think I've worked out why, I personally, stick with writing fic and usually don't abandon anything and write it within a relatively short amount of time.

I have a philosophy degree.

And though I loved studying philosophy, writing fucking essays and term papers was just genuinely the hardest mental work I've ever needed to do. Cause, yeah, sure you can research shit and bring together a lot of existing theories and ideas. But, anon, I tell you, I was actually quite good and suddenly had some ambition about a thing when I was at college (after spending all of my high school years coasting on the privilege of being okay smart and having highly educated parents), which meant I couldn't just phone it in, or didn't even just want to do a decent job, I wanted to write something good.

And fuck that was hard. I spent months tinkering with a paper, having found a subject I found interesting and trying to work out what my angle is, what my unique contribution could be. That basically meant staring at a flickering curser for hours and hours and hours and "thinking" (read panicking).

But somehow I managed to get a decent degree, said thanks no thanks to the offer of doing a phd and got the hell out of college to go do other stuff for a while and then finally trained in a very solid job that allows me to do relatively challanging work with cool people, but I never really have to produce anything or come up with major ideas on my own and that suits me just fine.

However, I accidently stumbled on writing fic as a thing that I enjoy creating/producing, and because we all basically know how a narrative works, most of the points beats along the way are easily set (I don't usually deliberately lift those whole-sale from a different narrative, except for my pride and prejudice and sense and sensibility inspired aus) but I don't kid myself into believing that my fic is in anyway particularly original.

So yeah, I just know which beats I want to hit and then I write what needs to happen to get there. Occasionally that's just pretty straight forward, not too flashy that I can't actually commit to it, but just well enough that, at least that's how it seems to me, the story flows and my "style" or "voice" kind of fades into the background. And then occasionally I come up with something that really makes me quite happy and I personally find rather artistic (like in the fic I posted yesterday, there was a bit that made me feel things). And then it's a bit more challanging but effectively as satisfying as painting by numbers.

So it doesn't scare me to have a story that I "need" to finish, cause I know I can and I know I will. I also have spent years and decades finding cool fics that got abandonned halfway through and hoping for years that they might get updated, so, maybe a little bit of guilt is also spurring me along.

Oh, and honestly, find yourself someone to commit to. Tell someone about your wips (unless of course this puts uncomfortable amounts of pressure on you) and then finish it for them. I talk to @pepperf about most of the stories I plan (unless I want them to be a surprise for her as well), even though she's much nicer than me and doesn't bully me into continue writing and if I abandonned somehting would never say anything. And I made a wip post that I feel I've committed to, because some of them are prompts and just generally I fear I could disappoint some anonymous reader of mine.

I guess, mostly if you want a tip, don't put yourself under too much pressure, but put yourself under a little pressure. Find yourself a hype person, or be your own hype person and feel excited about your stories.

I am, as some anon shokedly realised a few months back, probably a decade or so older than the majority of the people who frequent this website (I've been here for twelve years, I have squatter's rights) so through a mixture of always having a mildly inflated ego and age, I think I have a decent amount of confidence. And I have confidence in my stories. Yeah, I can easily tell how they compare to better writers, but I also think they are perfectly adequate and entertaining and they're the sort of thing I would want to read.

So, yeah, put a little bit but not too much pressure on yourself, and indulge yourself. It's supposed to be a hobby.

(oh, also, I only ever start writing when I'm relatively sure I've actually got enough of an idea to finish it. Everything else is not an abandonned wip, it's a wonderful day dream <3)

[pennylaneforthoughts]

Lokius Hogwarts AU

All right my dudes, hot take time:

I’ve seen a lot of Hogwarts AU headcanons floating around, and having thought waaaaaay too much about it, I’m here to add my two cents.

( @sortinghatchats has my favorite sorting system I’ve seen to date, since it goes so much in depth into themes throughout the HP series that good ol’ JK barely touches on in her pretty surface level commentary on the subject, so that’s the system I’m gonna use. Go to their blog to learn more about the way the system works bc I’m too lazy to go more in depth than I already have.)

This is gonna be Hella Long tho so I’m putting it under a cut.

Loki: Petrified Slytherin Primary/Slytherin Secondary - sorting: Slytherin House

Perhaps it may seem trite, but Loki really is a Slytherin Primary at heart. Yes he is ambitious and all that stereotypical stuff, but that’s not really what makes a Slytherin a Slytherin. Anyone can be ambitious. No, he’s a Slytherin because he unapologetically prioritizes himself and the people he cares about above all else. 

“Slytherin Primaries are fiercely loyal to the people they care for most. Slytherin is the place where “you’ll make your real friends”– they prioritize individual loyalties and find their moral core in protecting and caring for the people they are closest to. Slytherin’s reputation for ambition comes from the visibility of this promotion of the self and their important people– ambition is something you can find in all four Houses; Slytherin’s is just the one that looks most obviously selfish.”

However, Loki’s trauma has pushed him to something this system calls Petrifying.

“Whether through death, betrayal, abandonment (from either side), or through never having had any to begin with, the Petrified Slytherin has decided that having important people is too dangerous. Having those strong ties leaves you open to pain and weakness, and the pleasure of those connections aren’t worth the despair that comes from their seemingly inevitable loss. In this way, they close themselves off to meaningful connections out of what is ultimately fear (though from the inside, it’s far more likely to be experienced as a rational, sensible decision given the circumstances of the world), and gives them a stony exterior that seems impenetrable, resolute, and cold.” 

Loki wants love and acceptance so badly, but he is convinced that the kind of attachments and relationships that that comes from are far too dangerous and the risk isn’t worth the reward. He pushes people away, hides behind a mask of self-aggrandizement, and betrays others before they can betray him in an attempt to protect himself from potential pain.

In the series, however, we see him slowly unpetrify and move towards a more healthy style of attachment because of Mobius and Sylvie’s influence on him. Whereas his circle of priorities used to include only himself (and arguably Frigga and later, Thor, in the movie timeline), he proverbially “thaws” enough to let Mobius and Sylvie in, and tragically, because of that, the loss of them hurts him so deeply because by the end of season 1, they’re all he had.

His Slytherin Secondary, however, is obvious in his methodology. He’s the god of chaos. He loves improvisation, and plans only exist as long as another better idea doesn’t come along and usurp it. He’ll change and adapt (quite literally) to best fit the situation in front of him, and he takes joy in that. But beneath all the running and his many personas, he has his “neutral state” that he lets only a precious few see. Mobius gets to see it, and so does Sylvie, and as he progresses through the series, he starts to be more comfortable existing in that state where he’s no longer hiding behind everything he feels like the world expects him to be and he can just be himself. 

Mobius: Slytherin Primary (Hufflepuff Model)/Hufflepuff Secondary - sorting: Slytherin House

People like to put Mobius in Hufflepuff, but honestly? I don’t think that’s where he’d be most comfortable. Yes, he is kind and caring to basically everyone, and we see this over and over again in the series. The man radiates comfort. However, like it says in Inky and Kat’s description of the Slytherin Primary, 

“Wanting to help someone doesn’t mean you’re loyal to them. Wanting to help them at the expense of your comforts, your values, your commitments and sometimes even yourself–that does.”

Mobius is kind to a fault. But he is not kind at the expense of himself. Not to everyone at least. He is kind to the child in France, but he is not kind to the point of saving him from the resetting of the timeline, and he doesn’t feel guilty about that. He believes in a duty of care, but he does not believe he has any obligation to go beyond what he thinks that duty of care is. He unapologetically plays favorites, and this is mentioned on multiple occasions. Above all else, Mobius values loyalty as a virtue. Sure, he cares about the TVA and its accompanying morality, and he genuinely does believe it’s his duty to care about and be kind to others. He seems to vibe quite well with the Hufflepuff ideal of caring about people simply because they are people, but this is all secondary to his personal loyalties when push comes to shove. For Mobius,

“dropping that model in order to stand by someone you love, or in order to protect yourself, doesn’t feel like a failing. Sticking to that modelled morality at the expense of betraying or abandoning one of their own would make a Slytherin feel guilty and wrong. Being able to put the things and concepts you like aside for the sake of the people who need you feels more righteous than any moral posturing.”

It’s for this very reason that Mobius gets so angry and feels so betrayed when he thinks Loki has abandoned him for Sylvie, and when Ravonna lies to him and prunes him.

“Betraying your own is the worst kind of crime. Loyalty is precious and terrible; it makes you vulnerable. It’s given sparingly, deeply, and a Slytherin will stand by their loyalties through the same death and fire that a Gryffindor would brave for the sake of doing the right thing, or a Hufflepuff to help someone in need.”

Loki is Mobius’ own. Mobius prioritizes Loki over almost everything else, sticks his neck out for him over and over again, and is willing to sacrifice his own happiness for him. He’s even willing to abandon the whole of his former ideology and prior friendships for this relationship that has become closer to him than his own self, the highest tier of trust and loyalty a Slytherin can give.

“It’s an extreme Slytherin who would let the whole world burn for the sake of a friend, but every Slytherin Primary would be at the very least tempted.”

And Mobius very nearly does exactly that. Even says the words, “burn it to the ground” when Loki asks him what he’s going to do. And he doesn’t feel bad about it. Especially after realizing what the TVA has done to him and the people he cares about. He kicks the TVA out of his circle of care, and doesn’t look back. And he does it for Loki.

Mobius’ Secondary is where people get his Hufflepuff vibes from, I think. A Hufflepuff secondary is marked by “their consistency and the integrity of their method. They’re our hard workers. They build habits and systems for themselves and accomplish things by keeping at them. They have a steadiness that can make them the lynchpin (though not usually the leader) of a community.” And that is what Mobius is. It’s why he radiates that kindness and comfort. He quietly and carefully works at and invests in the relationships in his life to the point that people almost automatically trust him, and over time he has learned how to read people and figure out what makes them tick. 

He approaches new situations with a steady head and gentle hand that Loki is unused to, and it’s this approach that eases Loki into learning how to trust and rely on people. It’s an inherently Hufflepuff approach, and it’s the key to his success as an analyst for the TVA and an understanding friend for Lokis across the timelines.

Tl;dr - Application to an actual Hogwarts AU fic:

THEREFORE! There’s a compelling narrative to be had with a tiny, first-year Loki coming into Hogwarts. He comes from a pureblood family that’s very proud of their Gryffindor heritage (they don’t talk about Hela, and Loki and Thor don’t even know she exists until later in this story), and his brother had been sorted into Gryffindor a couple years prior, and Loki has heard very little other than contempt for Slytherin House and everyone in it. Loki doesn’t want to be sorted into Slytherin. He doesn’t want to deal with the disappointment and shame from his father and the sad eyes of his brother. But the sorting hat sorts him there almost immediately, and his heart sinks. He wanders over to the table miserably but determined. If he’s gonna be sorted into the “evil” house, might as well just run with it, right? Best not to get close to people though. It’s Slytherin. Who knows when someone will betray you.

Enter Mobius, the tiny muggleborn, bright eyed, bushy tailed, and having no clue about the prejudices between houses. The hat takes a hot minute sorting him, giving him the choice between Hufflepuff and Slytherin and telling him Hufflepuff would love a kindhearted and welcoming member like him. But Mobius has been eyeing the little black-haired kid who got sorted before him and is now sitting far apart from everyone, and he can’t help but feel like he needs to be this kid’s friend. And didn’t the hat just say Slytherin is where you’ll make your real friends? Friends are what Mobius cares about, so he’d like to go to Slytherin, thank you very much, so that’s where he goes, and he happily plunks himself down right next to Loki and sticks his hand out.

“I’m Mobius. What’s your name?”

 Loki looks at Mobius’ hand disdainfully and doesn’t shake it, but he does answer, “Loki.”

Mobius’ eyes go wide, and he smiles. “Loki? Like after the Norse god?”

Loki nods, eyeing Mobius suspiciously. People don’t often bat an eye at his name. Not in the wizarding world, anyway.

“Wow, that’s so cool! I loved reading about Norse mythology in school and Loki was always my favorite. Names have power, you know. If you’ve got the same name, then you must be just as awesome.”

Loki has no idea what to do with this kid, but he’s immediately aware of two things:

He’s absolutely sure that this Mobius kid is in the wrong house. No way a Slytherin can be this excited without a single hint of deception in his face.

He’s going to be eaten alive by the other students if Loki doesn’t protect him. What a pain.

Loki is completely wrong on both of these points.

[mrwinterr]

Who Do You Love?

Pairing: David Budd x Female Reader

Summary: After some months that David’s been working for the Home Secretary, you notice he’s been acting differently. Not wanting to overanalyze the situation, the signs are just too hard to ignore, so when it’s time to confront him there’s only one real question to ask.

Warnings: Bodyguard (2018) TV series spoilers! Adult themes. Explicit language. Light smut. Infidelity/cheating. Mentions of war, PTSD, political assassination, death, pregnancy/miscarriage, paranoia, and attempted suicide. Sad vibes, probably. We’re not gonna have a good time.

Disclaimer: This piece goes hand-in-hand with All For You. It’s not required to read beforehand, but it would be nice. As far as the TV series, yeah, don’t even read these if you’re still planning to watch the show. If you don’t care, you may proceed.

Title Inspiration: “Who Do You Love?” by The Chainsmokers ft. 5 Seconds of Summer

A/N: I want a happy David, I really do, but I’m a heartless writer. I took a break from the smut, so it’s not a huge bulk of the fic this time. I hope y’all still like it! Happy New Year! 

Another night alone was not unusual for you as of late, having grown accustomed to it ever since David had taken up the job of protecting Home Secretary, Julia Montague. Neither you nor David could’ve foreseen his courageous efforts in neutralizing the terrorist attack on the train back home would thrust him into his new position, furthermore the extent of its outcome in his personal life.

It wasn’t a hidden secret that David resented most politicians, and you knew of Julia from the news and her political ambitions in pushing a bill to increase security surveillance. David’s job put a big emphasis on confidentiality, so for his superiors to throw him into a public political warzone was a bit suspicious to you. There was something that didn’t add up, and you couldn’t just outright ask David whose side he was on in all this.

After neglecting the mountain of dirty laundry, tonight was dedicated to the domestic chore. It was nothing out of the ordinary mixing your batch with David’s, but he had a habit of leaving things in his clothes pockets, so it was routine for you to check everyone. You’d moved onto one of the costly tailored button-ups he wore to work and feel something protruding from the shirt pocket. You dig your hand in and fish out a tube of lipstick. Strange. You didn’t use this brand of cosmetics, and even more so the garment smelt different.

Under normal circumstances, this type of discovery would raise a red flag, but you recall one of David’s first days on the job as her bodyguard, the intern had clumsily spilt Julia’s coffee all over her outfit just before she was about to do a live interview, and David had offered her the shirt off his back, essentially saving the day. The man was just too dedicated to his job sometimes, so you shrug it off, but this wouldn’t be the first time you would notice something out of place.

It really started after the first assassination attempt that was made on Julia’s life. With the rate she was going at, her political status had made her a prime target to those opposed to RIPA-18. It was very frightening, you figured that much for her, David had seen worse in war. You just about had a heart attack when you reunited with him that night, the blood still stained on his clothes and missed splotches on his skin.

The both of you clung onto each other all night, lost within the throes of passion. It might as well have been one of the most intense nights yet, even then you could tell something changed by his movements. You didn’t think much about it at first because there’s already so much wrong with him, you’ve yet to learn all his mood swings.

Then one day you’d gotten sick, and discovered it was because you were pregnant with David’s child. One of the few things that made you forget about all the aches and pains that David unintentionally caused, was remembering the beautiful smile on his face when you revealed the news to him. You knew how much happiness Ella and Charlie brought him, you could only imagine what that would feel like, your own family with David.

He was so overjoyed in the beginning. He had quickly phoned his mother, who’d visited and even stayed a few days with you when David’s new position became more demanding of him, claiming she was worried about you being alone. You didn’t deserve to experience this alone, but it was sure heading that way.

Lately, you’ve found yourself occupying the Budd household quite more than often when David’s mom went back home. With David being on duty almost 24/7, you were completely alone, so the little family welcomed you.

Legally, on paper, David was still married to Vicky. It was something you weren't going to verbally admit bothered you, but oddly enough it did. What with the mood you’ve been in as of late, it ate at a part of you. They were separated and the divorce papers were well on track until David’s “promotion” paused the process.

There’s still not a hostile fiber in you towards Vicky. She’d moved on well, been on several dates with someone else, and things were looking great for her. It was lowkey, not even David knew about it, not that he even stuck around or bothered to care. It had to come out eventually because it would affect Ella and Charlie’s lives.

You watch as Vicky rounds the table after placing a cup of tea in front of you then sitting in the seat across and asking how you’re holding up.

You contemplate for a split second if you should be honest or not, but who else could you confine to at the moment? No one else could possibly understand. Vicky herself may not even, but she knew David more than most people did, so surely, she could see where you’re coming from to some degree, right?

Letting out a big sigh, you answer her truthfully, “I’m...not well, Vicky,” your eyes drop down to the cup in front of you, finger tracing the rim, the hot cloud of smoke of the concoction almost burns your skin.  

“Oh, poor thing,” she says, extending her hand over to place it on top of your other one on the table, “it’s the pregnancy. It has to be. It’s taking a toll on you. I can tell.” You look up at her and almost want to cry. No one noticed it was more than symptoms of pregnancy. You were bottling up so much.  

“Let me tell you, while I love Ella and Charlie, pregnancy was not a breeze…” she started to ramble, but you quickly cut her off, exhausted of people telling you the same thing over and over, unintentionally, blaming the innocent baby.

“No. I don’t think it’s that. I don’t want to blame anything on the pregnancy,” you say straight up. You got yourself into this mess, you went headfirst knowing the baggage David came with and you knew full well that protection wasn’t at the forefront in the affairs. Ready or not, you both went in this together and brought a baby into the picture.

Vicky stares, confused, but still genuinely concerned, “then what else could be wrong?” When you didn't immediately respond, she knew it had to be one other thing, or person, and you just didn’t want to admit, well out loud, “David?”

You only nod; you knew you were going to have to face the music sooner or later. So, you start listing things you’ve observed that have caused you to grow suspicious over the course of the last few months. You just hoped you didn’t sound like a mad woman in front of her.

The one time your phone had died, and he let you use his to place a food delivery. You couldn’t unlock his phone, trying every possible combined set of numbers close to David, only to come to a conclusion that the access code had changed. Visibly distressed, he realizes you were attempting to unlock his work phone. You knew that was his though. What work phone?

You didn’t even know he had one of those, let alone why did it have the same crack on the screen in the exact same spot as his personal one? You feigned stupidity and blamed it on exhaustion. Deep down David knew you were suspecting something was up, and he ended up placing the order for dinner that night himself.

The other time you confronted David about coming home smelling heavily of another woman. Whatever, whoever, her perfume was strong, and it made you nauseous. The pregnancy didn’t even do you any favors on this one with your senses heightened and overly sensitive.

Of course, he smelled of another woman, the person he was assigned to protect. You could see all the holes in his alibi. He was lying, and it hurt most when he indirectly admitted your mood swings were irritating him and then flipped it all on you, saying you were overthinking the situation and getting all paranoid for no reason. Accused you of not trusting him, when truth was you had the utmost faith in him, but not when the evidence was piling up.

There’s a solemn look that washed over Vicky’s face. She had expected more tales of David’s PTSD, but none of what you spilled alluded to it. This time David couldn’t blame the effects of war on your suspicions. However, Vicky knew that this was you and David, and if there was a pair that could survive love’s tumultuous doings then it was you two.

“There’s a lot of coincidences, yes, but this is you and David,” she says, grasping your hand for support because she could see the moisture in your eyes building up, “is it silly of me to admit I was always jealous of you,” she confesses, trying to steer the conversation a different route.

She didn’t want you to think she was brushing off your worries, but to remind you that everything you and David had been through to get to this point to be together, whatever you both were dealing now wasn’t anything you two couldn’t overcome. There were high hopes for you and David in Vicky’s mind.  

A small smile cracks your face, and you bring your vacant hand up to dab at the inner corner of your eyes, just before the tears start to race down, “jealous? Of what?” It was almost shocking to think you had something she was jealous of.  

“Every time you visited us,” she starts, “I could tell David held so much admiration for you,” and you know she’s not trying to hurt your feelings, but it’s taking a bit to figure out where she’s going with this.

“That’s silly,” you scoff lightly, “you both got married and had two kids, surely there was no doubt,” then bring the cup up to your lips for a small sip.  

“But there was and look where we ended up?” she says. Your lips cave in to form a tight line in response, and carefully place the cup back down on the dish, before she follows up, “you two are finally together.”

“Vicky,” you pipe up, not knowing where to begin. It was never your intention to steal David’s heart away from another.

“I’m not saying any of this because I’m mad at you. No. I’ve never truly hated you. You’re a good person and you’re finally getting your happily ever after. Don’t ever stop fighting for it,” she comes out wholeheartedly, and this time you make no attempt to keep the tears at bay. It stung to hold them back anyways.

Vicky gets up from her seat, walking the short steps to yours, to wrap her arounds around you. You immediately cling onto her arms and just cry, finally letting everything out.

“Seriously, don’t think of the worst,” she starts advising, while rubbing your back, “David will always come back to you,” she pulls you away from her before reminding you, “you knew going into this wasn’t going to be easy.”  

You feel so pathetic. What she said was completely true, you just didn’t think it’d be this bad. There’s no doubt you love David and want to be with him through the good, the bad, and the ugly, so you nod and try to keep your chin up. It wasn’t to appease her, you were going to get back up, because if not for David, then for the baby.

Suddenly, the front door busts open and Ella and Charlie are bustling into the kitchen, where you and Vicky were. Quickly wiping away the tears, you both noted that school had just let out.

They were ecstatic to see you, especially Charlie as he had currently been experiencing issues of his own adjusting to school. They lifted your spirits greatly; they were more fascinated by the baby growing in you and couldn’t wait to meet him or her. You absolutely adored them. They looked like David and the whole time they were talking your ear off; you wonder to yourself if your own kid will look more like you or David. 

David’s thrusts were deep and good; you made no attempt to hold it in, letting him know exactly how he was making you feel. Nails digging into his firm buttocks, pulling him closer to you, wanting him to just keep going and going; the chase proving to be almost just as good as the climax. You feel one of his hands run up your side and his large hand starts groping your breast, adding onto the pleasure he was plaguing your body with, while the other held onto the small of you back, bringing your hips up to his.

His face was buried in the crook of your neck, you could feel his hot breath fanning against your skin and hear his murmured swears and praises. The air in the room was thick, and for the majority of the intimate activity, the only sounds that travelled around the apartment consisted of heavy breathing, moans, gasps, whines and skin slapping, until the annoying distinct ringtone started screeching from a few feet away.

You’d learned to distinguish his work alarm since the supposed mix-up, and it pinged constantly, agitating you. David’s pace notably falters, and the rhythm you’d both built started dwindling, the needy side of you started to panic because he was going to stop and you desperately wanted to come, even more so come with him, but it looked like neither of you would be as you feel one of David’s hands leave your body and make an attempt to reach out to the device.

You grab a hold of his wandering hand and lace your fingers together, hoping to keep him close and forget about the alert. You buck your hips forward, urging him to continue. His grip tightens and cock twitches inside of you in response. Your strategy almost deems successful when he picks up momentum, each swivel of his cock gradually bringing out the starved woman in you. Not to mention, your sex drive had heightened too, you’d longed and craved any affection he could give you.

“David, baby…” you whine, holding a hand to his face, forcing him to keep his gaze on you and only you, the ringtone almost drowning out, “...don’t. Don’t. Fucking. Stop...please,” you resort to begging and hook a leg over his body, the new angle allowing him to thrust deeper.

And just when you’re about to tip over the edge, the incessant ringing persists, and David’s halt unintentionally pulls you back down. He unwinds your sweaty clasped hands, no doubt in search of the phone once more, however, you had more leverage than he did, and your hand beats his hand to it. He wasn’t that far behind as his hand covers yours, and he tries to grab the phone to answer the call, but instead you swat it off the nightstand.  

“What the fuck?” David says aggravatedly, while attempting to reach his phone on the ground, all while he’s still inside of you, pressing your body deeper into the mattress, but careful to not crush you.

“No, fuck you, David,” you spit back, and shove his body off of yours. You scoot over to one side of the bed and try to level your breathing. You were both so close!

“What is wrong with you?” He asks, forgetting the phone on the ground.

“Do you really have to answer that?” You ask, attitude on full display.

“It could be an emergency at work,” he tries reasoning.

“You’re not on the clock, David!” You dispute, sitting up, clutching the sheets to your body to conceal yourself.

“That’s not the point! It could’ve been serious. Julia could be hurt,” he says, the words just coming out of his mouth, giving each excuse little thought. His mind was in a frenzy and you didn’t miss a single syllable.  

“You called her Julia,” you say just above a whisper, and suddenly you have an urge to vomit, but you do your best to control it.

“What?” he asks, not understanding what that meant at all to you.

It hurt more that he didn’t realize there was anything wrong and if he did, he was doing a good job at hiding something and making you look like the bad guy. You lightly shake your head, feeling defeated, and lie back down, settling on your side facing the opposite direction of him.

What was going on in David’s head? You tried so hard to understand him. It was like walking on eggshells, and even you had a breaking point. It was just sometimes too much because it felt like you were the only one putting in the effort to keep this relationship afloat.

The bed shifts significantly, letting you know that he’s gotten out of it. What felt like an hour, but were only a few seconds, the room was silent, tension still heavy in the room, and neither of you were willing to be the first to crack. You lie still, unmoving and making no attempt to stop him. It’s only when you hear the swing of the bedroom door creak, you allow yourself to blink the tears in your eyes away.

He didn’t leave the apartment that much you could rest assured of. Rest? That was what you were having trouble with. Things weren’t getting any easier with David and you even though you vowed to yourself that you’d go through Hell for him, the pressure was getting too heavy on your heart and in return, you knew the distress wouldn’t be good for the baby.

Maybe it was all just paranoia, the stress of pregnancy, and you were taking things too personal. You could be understanding about a lot of things in David’s life, his terms and PTSD, his kids, and his job, but was it too much to ask of him to be understanding of you? You suppose you were being selfish, and you were really tired. The only way to help you sleep was to swallow your pride and admit you were wrong.

The rush of the cold air instantly surrounds your bare legs the second you throw the covers off your body to get out of the bed. You throw on the discarded oversized shirt to be decent. Your steps are light, and you’re kind of nervous and, dare you admit, ashamed of how you overreacted that it drove David to the point of sleeping on the couch. After all, you made him feel unwanted in his own bed, and he certainly had enough respect to not steal yours.

Just when you’re ready to apologize and ask him to go back to bed with you, he’s already sound asleep, his legs sticking out from the mere blanket covering his upper body. You didn’t have the heart to wake him up for that. Sleep didn’t find him easy and he seemed just as stressed as you were, so you don’t disturb him. It can wait, right? You turn around and head to your room, shut the door and pray sleep finds you soon.  

It didn’t and neither did the conversation. 

News of the blast at St. Matthews College, where Julia was presenting a speech, rocked not only the political world, but it was the forefront of every news channel and medium. Tons left injured or dead, and as if that wasn’t bad, David was being told Julia had not survived the bombing.

He’s clearly distraught, believing he’s failed her, and on top of that, the weight of his lies started to suffocate him. He was going to have to come clean to you about everything he’s done behind closed doors with Julia. You wouldn’t forgive him, he was sure of that, and if by some chance you did, it would take a hell of a long time for him to regain your trust.

How many more lives does he have to ruin or lose under his watch? It was becoming too much, and it was sad, as he stared at the gun in his hands, that he’d contemplated his next actions more than once, but he really didn’t know what he had left to do anymore. There was a lot actually, he had his kids, a baby on the way, and a new life to build with you, but he was far too gone at that moment.

It’s Vicky that finds him back at the apartment, cleaning the brass fragments from the wound on the side of his head. She quickly puts the pieces together, the notes on the table addressed separately to her, the children and you, and the admission from David that these were brass fragments of a bullet casing.

“Dave, what the fuck? What about Ella and Charlie? What about-” she starts going on but stops when he visibly cracks because he knows your name is next to come out of her mouth, “I’m taking you to the hospital,” she decides and is quick to put away her tools.

“No. No one can know about this,” David says adamantly. They start to argue about his injuries and how David hadn’t been aware that he fired a blank round before he asks her to go back home to the kids.

“I’m not leaving you like this,” she says grabbing a jacket and tries to reason that he shouldn’t be alone right now and maybe being around the kids and seeing you will open his eyes and realize what he was leaving behind had he successfully ended his life.

He couldn’t pretend living like he was okay. What had happened to Julia was not his fault. All David ever did was do his best to protect, protect his country, his family and her.

“You need to tell her,” Vicky says while she hands David a cap for him to cover the wound on his head.

“I don’t even know where she’s been the last few days,” he admits pathetically. His own girlfriend, the mother of his unborn child, he can’t even keep tabs on where she’s been this whole time. It made him feel even terrible that he’d neglected you.

“She’s been staying with the kids and I,” she reveals.

“What? Why is she there?” He asks, and quickly puts the cap on and gets up from his seat.

She didn’t tell David of your whereabouts earlier because you’d asked her not to and she politely respected that, but she knew now was not the time to take sides anymore. You two had to deal with your issues now.

“She shouldn’t be alone, Dave. She’s pregnant with your child and yet she’s going through it all by herself,” Vicky tells him.

“I never meant to bring her into any of this mess,” he says heavily, full of grief. He brought you into the madness that was his world and now you’re trapped in it, bringing a new life along for the ride.

“She loves you, David, don’t sell yourself short. She just feels like she’s been left in the dark. You need to talk to her,” Vicky advises him, “it may not be pretty, but you have to hear her out.”

She knew you couldn’t stand being alone in the apartment without being reminded of David constantly. You weren’t in a good place either and she wanted to help you both before it was too late. 

You’d been left behind at the house with Ella and Charlie in the other room watching TV, while Vicky was out looking for David. He wasn’t answering any of the phone calls she’s made, even ones made on your cell phone, there was no form of contact or communication from him. You knew he was there at the college; he was Julia’s bodyguard after all.

When you heard more than two voices return, you knew she’d brought David back and had told him you’d be here. You weren’t mad at her for ratting you out, it was going to come out eventually. Nothing ever stays hidden.

“You don’t normally wear a hat indoors,” Ella points out the cap on David’s head that stuck out like a sore thumb.

“You said it’s silly,” Charlie reminds his father.

“Then I’m being silly,” David responds as he watches his children chomp away at the slices of pizza in their hands.

While Vicky was on the phone cancelling her date tonight, you faintly hear the end of the conversation he was having with Ella and Charlie over their dinner. He still hadn’t even seen you. Then you hear his quiet, controlled sobs, but he couldn’t detain them enough and be strong around his kids.

“I just did something silly today,” he tells them.

“Wearing a hat?” Charlie asks innocently.

“That, too,” he replies as he clings onto them both in a group hug.

Vicky had just revealed to you of David’s suicide attempt moments ago. You’re numb. Clearly, Julia’s death had affected him rather deeply, so much that he thought killing himself was a solution.

He didn’t care about you or the baby. You both weren’t enough to save him or have anything to look forward to. You can’t even cry anymore. You wanted to lash out and get mad. She advises you to keep calm and think rationally, but you’re tired of thinking about all of this.  

Without warning, David enters the room you’d been staying in. You’re like stone on the couch, arms crossed and starting straight ahead of you, mindlessly at whatever TV program the kids left it on before retreating to the dining area. Your eyes cast themselves on David’s demure stance. He cautiously steps forward and hesitantly takes a seat next to you.

“Is it true?” You ask, breaking the silence and finally turn to look at him. He only nods in response, his head hangs low, ashamed. You felt like your heart didn’t have any parts to break anymore. The confirmation alone just felt like him stomping on it for added measure.

“Ok,” is all you say, biting down on your lip to prevent you from saying anything else. It was petty, but you’d refused to show him any remorse or sorrow of any kind.

“Is this where you’ve been the past few nights?” He questions, rather awkwardly too.

“Oh, so you’ve noticed I haven’t been home?” You ask bitterly.

He was really going to push your buttons. You’re not sure if Vicky was right about you and David having to talk. This wasn’t going to go well at all. You were not in an ideal mental and physical state to be talking about your problems with him, but if not now then when?

“Of course, I have. Why wouldn’t I?” He asks, almost appalled by the accusation, and watching as you get up from the couch to stand in front of him.  

“I hardly see you and when I do I find out that you just tried to kill yourself, so forgive me for not assuming I even ran as a mere thought in your messed-up head,” it was harsh, poking at his mental state, but you were so fed up, your mind was just as clouded, “...you didn’t think about me when you held the gun to your head,” you said ripping off his hat.

Your heart tightens in your chest as you stare at the wound and tears threaten to fall, but you don’t let them, “...and you certainly didn’t think about our baby when you pulled the trigger,” then chuck the cap at him, he makes no attempt to catch it as it lightly bounces off his chest and fall onto his lap.

“I’m so sorry,” he says sincerely and making no attempt to hide his tears as they raced down, “I’m so fucking stupid,” and he gets up on his feet, ”...I need help.”

He’s not even going to use the excuse of work and you’re not expecting him to rat himself out and come clean about Julia just yet. David didn’t work like that and you were absolutely done with it. No, everything had to come out now.

“I know,” is all you say at first. He thinks it’s some form of forgiveness, him acknowledging his problem, until you follow up, “just admit it,” your voice changes in tone from anger and hurt to an icy one, “who do you love now, David?”

All while asking him that question, you’re trying to get his eyes to focus on you, but you simply cannot. He’s looking everywhere but, and it hurts.

“It’s Julia, isn’t it? Tell me!” You shout at his face. When he doesn’t answer immediately, your lips press down together and you don’t hold back the tears any longer, “I can’t believe you,” you say in disbelief, almost struggle to breathe right, “this shit has been keeping me up at night!”

You back away from him and cover your mouth, just to conceal your sobs so the rest of the family doesn’t hear you cry. They most definitely heard you yell, but you didn’t want to further trouble them anymore or cause a big enough scene for them to burst right through.

There hadn’t been a doubt in your mind that David loved you before, but just seeing how he couldn’t open up enough to tell you there was someone else during, filled you with more heartache. Maybe it would hurt less, you wouldn’t know unless it came straight from his mouth.

David starts crying as well and you honestly want to slap him, but instead you start saying nasty things, cutting him way worse than anything you could ever do physically, and you certainly don’t hold back. Claiming you two were never meant to be together, and the baby doesn’t mean anything especially in uniting you both.

“I’ll be surprised if this baby even survives,” you scoff thinking about a past experience, and how cruel life was gifting you this baby.

“What are you talking about? You’re not thinking about-“ David starts getting all frantic suddenly, and not thinking, he grabs both your arms in his hands, holding you in place.

“God no! I would never!” You say in disgust and pull away from him, “I can’t believe you’d think I would…”

“Then what did you mean?” He asks curiously.

“I never told you why I broke up with him,” you don’t really mention your ex’s name these days. While you’d both moved on as civil as the both of you could, it still pangs you to reminisce about the relationship and how it ended.

“He couldn’t handle the long distance,” he said thinking he knew.

“He only couldn’t after...” you pause, trying to decide if now was the time to reveal this secret. David had the right to know, after all, an incident like such could happen again.  

“After what? He was seeing someone else?” He grew increasingly anxious and almost ill towards the thought of another being unfaithful to you.

“No! It was my fault,” you don’t want to slander your ex at all. He couldn’t have prevented what happened to you across the other side of the world even if he tried. “I miscarried. I don’t know what I did wrong, but I woke up one day in my blood and the sharpest pain I’ve ever felt.”

You started reliving that day, how you were alone and the way your neighbors had to come to your aid. Your poor ex felt so helpless, he wanted nothing more than to drop everything for you, but the wave of depression afterwards had strained the relationship. It formally ended when you’d returned from studying abroad.

“I didn’t even know you were pregnant,” David says in shock. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling, and if it was stupid to think all this time you could’ve easily had a life without him long before you two finally became a thing.

“It didn’t matter, David,” your voice finally regained strength, and wiped at the tears on your face of the memory, ”you and Vicky were so in love. There’s nothing you could’ve done for me.”

“That’s not true,” David persists.

“I would’ve turned you away, just like him,” you say so sure. David was your friend then, yes, but you didn’t need or owed him this before now.  

“You’re not going to lose this baby,” he promises.

“You don’t know that,” and you’re not trying to be a pessimist about this, you wanted this baby, but you were more than aware of the possibility it could happen again. Bad things just always seemed to be happening lately anyways.

“I’m not going to let anything happen to you. I’d protect you both with my last breath,” he vows, grabbing your hands, desperate to feel any part of you.

“I don’t need your protection, David,” your words continue to crush him, that was your subtle way of leaving him and he knew it, “I love you, David. I love you so much!” you say with plenty of emotion, and lightly squeeze his hands in yours, “...but you can’t even tell me who you love right now,” you point out, reluctantly removing your hands from his.

“You need to get help, David. If not for your family, me or the baby, please do it for yourself,” you say last, before placing a small kiss on his cheek.

“I’m going to get help...for you,” you hear David say determinedly just before you walk out of the room. It wasn’t all you wanted to hear, you wanted him to tell you he loved you back, but you wanted him to live easy once again even if that meant him not loving you.

You could manage on your own, and work something out when the baby arrives, but for now it was time for you to go home.

A/N: Nope. Sorry! Whenever Season 2 decides to come out, maybe we’ll get a happier David, so for now I don’t think I can let these two ride off into the sunset…but I can if you send 2020 off with giving this a like, reblog, comment or all of the above!

[dear-yandere]

— oyasumi dazai.

ada! osamu dazai x reader.

cw: yandere, romanticization of suicide and death, nihilism, depersonalization, implied death, themes of regret and grief.

wc: 1985.

disclaimer: the following content does not depict a healthy relationship, please read the warnings carefully. by click the read more button, you are giving your consent to read this content.

“isn’t it lovely, all alone?” 

i.

he dreams of death.

the stench of iron and the sight of bones is nothing new, but he dreams of death like one would dream of the future. he supposes he is nobody, because no one ever dreams of their own passing (not willingly). people are pushed to that point, betrayed and hurt and put through enough suffering that life no longer seems worth living. whether life is or isn’t worth the effort lays with them, dazai reckons, but the urge to reason death from life has never crossed his mind. to him, to live is to suffer — that is, suffering is inevitable. within the same vein, it must mean that to live is to make the best of that suffering, but what is life if you’d never asked to be born?

the question is foreign and familiar all the same — bittersweet on his tongue, a plague on his mind. his life has always been filled with nothing. the smile of loving parents was a sight he’s unfamiliar with. in comparison to the misfortunes of many others, his parents were saints; and, in comparison to the fortunes of others, they were demons. and yet, that laid the problem. they have a role in this world, a calling, a purpose. but dazai… he is nothing. nothing but a black stain on this white earth. from the day he took his first breath, death has been both friend and foe, a tease and a reprieve for a boy who’d never wished to breathe life.

but, where death comes easy to others, it is nothing short of a luxury for him. it does not welcome him with open arms, nor does it even look his way. suicide after suicide attempt and yet he is still alive. and he has to wonder, is life a gift — as everyone claims it is — or a curse? and why? why was he gifted, why was he cursed? the distinction makes no difference to him, but why must it be him? was he brought into this world for a purpose? for some sort of greater good, or evil? or do the gods simply enjoy the frailty of human life and the suffering it comes with?

of all the people in this wretched world, why is he alive?

ii.

from his first breath, he begun to blacken. his heart is not his own, has never been his own (it beats for someone who is, and never will be, him.) his body holds nothing but muscle and blood and sinew, a vessel he’s been forced into without second thought. he’s never thought of it as anything more. not a temple nor a burden, just… some thing. something that is not his. something that isn’t meant to be his, as if he’s an outsider looking in through the hollows of his eyes.

humanity was always something unbeknownst to him, something he could never quite get a grasp of. the thoughts of others could never quite fit into the process of his mind, its recesses far too unaccustomed to how others should or shouldn’t feel. their expressions are unreadable at all times, a fault that has led to bullying and alienation. he never shed a tear; loneliness is to be expected when you have nowhere to fit in. he is pure black. he may as well be invisible to the human eye, no different than an ant that passersby would carelessly step on without thought. he is no different from anyone else, because he is worse.

had he sold his happiness to the devil in a past life? is life his punishment, or is this how dull it’s meant to be?

cynical — a word used to describe him all too often, but it’s never been dear to dazai’s heart. words, in fact, have never been able to describe him, not in a way he ever found fitting. what does it mean to be cynical? what does it mean to be human? what does it mean to be alive, to have a beating heart, to have feelings? twenty-one years on this earth and he’s never once found an answer.

life, it seems, is something not meant for the likes of him.

and yet, suicide never got him anywhere. whether it be the fault of dumb luck or his own ineptitude, dazai could never die. it’s laughable, how even though his heart beats without his own will, he cannot make it stop. as if some cruel god reveled in how much torture it is for him to live a life he did not ask for. every noose left him choking for air but never took his life. every gun shot blanked or missed his brain entirely. every stab and cut never hit his arteries, never allowed him the luxury of bleeding out. like water in a vase, waiting until the surface tension is broken by a slight drop and starts to overflow — dazai spent his days in hopes of when his own heart would overflow and spill.

life was given to him, and life will not be taken by his own hands.

iii.

he dreams of death so often, his only nightmare is awaking the next day.

he will only ever just be… him. forever living, forever beating and breathing — the thought of experiencing life like others do is something out of a children’s book, to him. to strive for goals, to be torn apart by failures, to get up after being knocked down again and again. he understands it in theory, the process of living, but to put any further meaning on his or anyone else’s existence seems beyond the furthest reaches of his mind.

nothing makes sense.

“i never understood the fuss over weddings, going so far as to plan one’s entire life around it.” he says one day, eyes locked on the black coffee in his hands. darkness always did make him feel at home. “funerals are much more exciting. i’ve planned mine already.” a smile twitches onto his face, one of genuine happiness and excitement. death is like a dear friend, one he feuds with often, and yet one he adores all the same.

but those aren’t words most would say. weddings are a day of joy, but to him, they can only bring grief, one unlike the kind funerals bring to others. the happiest day of his life will be the day he dies, and yet…

he finds himself wanting to marry you.

you, as beautiful as ever, crack a knowing smile and play his words off, shooing them from the air like a pesky insect. the coffee in your hands is almost pure white by this point; drowned in creams and syrups and sugars. he wonders if it’s a reflection of your heart or your soul. “but osamu, i’ve already planned our wedding. you wouldn’t die before we got married, would you?”

he smiles. it’s a reflection of your soul.

he wouldn’t dream of it.

iv.

there’s a reason for everything, or so he’s heard. a mantra mostly uttered by religious heretics, and yet the sentiment was enough to get him thinking; is there a reason he cannot die? is there a reason he’s doomed to live, until whatever entity that tortures him grows bored of his plights? is there a reason he’s alive?

you’re nothing new, nothing he hasn’t seen time and time again. but, he knew: you are his reason. he is a person that someone like you should never get close to. the sentiment is ingrained in his very being, to stay away from you. he knows already: that he will only taint you, corrupt you, drag you down to rock bottom with him. and, if there is a place lower than here, it would surely be hell.

you deserve better than that. you deserve better than him.

“if i were to ever unforgivably hurt you, promise me this.” his heart tugs uselessly, his mind already made up. “if i ever hurt you very, very deeply, please kill me at once.”

he places your hands at his neck and presses. your fingers don’t curl around the flesh like he wants them to, and he knows then that he will never deserve you. you are too good for him, too good to him; your heart is too white and his blackness will only taint it. but darkness cannot be without light. just as the pitch black can overtake the white, the white can overtake the pitch black. life is not solely black and white, he’s come to learn. to be born and to live is to tread through life in a series of greys. there is no good nor evil, only humanity. but, if he were to describe himself, he would surely be black.

“you’ll promise me this, right?”

you hesitate to answer. he caresses you gently, like his mother used to do for him. a means to quell and comfort others, he’s learned, and yet his heart still feels nothing but blackness. he’s never understood why you feel so hurt when he speaks of death so casually — his death is his and his alone, after all. no one would be affected, not for long. memories fade and hearts heal; he is but a stain on life, and no one would miss him.

“right, belladonna?” he prompts. “please say yes. to die by your hands would be my greatest joy. even more so if you were to join me in death, but i could never ask that of you…” he laughs at his desperation, knowing you’d never agree to a premature death like he. you have so much to live for, and he…

he was born to die.

“i promise, osamu.”

v.

you haunt him like a ghost.

he still dreams of death, because a world without you is one he no longer wants to live in. but you would want that for him. you know of his infatuation with the throes of death and yet you want the very thing he detests; for him to live. funny thing, life is. like an idiot ghost, he’d lived wandering through life without any direction. without purpose, dreams and ambitions never held any real meaning to him, not like they seemed to do for other people. the only thing that came close was… you.

he wants to hide like the coward he is. run away, start over again. forget this ever happened, forget he ever met you.

forget he ever tasted love.

it occurs to him that this must be that feeling of ‘regret’ he so often hears. and he’s reminded of odasaku, the only living being that had come close to eliciting some semblance of genuine emotion from dazai. the closest thing he could call to a true friend, dead. and, the closest thing he could call to a lover, gone. life isn’t meant for cowards like him.

but he lives. death has cursed him with the act of living; perhaps that’s a fate worse than death. he has spent all his life resisting the desire to end it, and he regrets never once succeeding. because now he has to live; to live with his own regrets and failures, all the things he said and didn’t say, all the things he did and shouldn’t have done.

he didn’t get to say ‘i love you’.

your tombstone is pristine and he wonders if death is just the same; clean. free of sin, free of burden. what a beautiful thought, one he’s begun to believe doesn’t truly exist. beauty is wasted on him and even death does not hear his pleas. because to seek beauty is human. to be played and toyed with is human.

and to break and destroy, is also human.

death is preferable to losing you. it laughed in his face when it came to claim you, took you away from him forever. to someplace far, far away — to someplace he can never belong.

he misses you. he wonders if you miss him too.

© dear-yandere, all rights reserved.

[popculturebuffet]

Of Moons, Millionares and Mothers Part 3: Storkules in Duckburg! aka THE INCREDIBLE STORKULES TERRIBLE BUT WELL MEANING ROOMATE OUT OF MYTH

Hello all you happy people! And welcome and welcome back to Of Moons, Millionares and Mothers, my look at the season 2 arcs of Ducktales! This arc was paid for by WeirdKev27 and I truly enjoy his support. if you want to know how to commission your own reviews or to get a guarnateed review of me of your choice from me a month, stick around to the end. I realized that shoving all my plugs in up top may be driving people away and while I DO make them because I want to make a living off this, i’ts not fair to those of you who simply can’t afford to buy a lot of extra shit like myself to keep shoving it in your face. 

Previously on the Louie Inc Arc, Louie, after believing he had no skills and it was a matter of when not if he ws going to die, found his talent: seeing all the angles and thus being Sharper than the Sharpies. With newfound confidence and a chip on his shoulder from Scrooge saying he could one day be a bigger success than Scrooge himself, founding Louie Inc as a result. But what is Louie Inc? Does he actually have a plan or a bunch of buzzwords. And what does STORKULES, MANLY GAY OUT OF MYTH have to do with any of this? Join me under the cut to find out. 

We open with Louie giving Scrooge his sales pitch that is essentially...

Naturally Scrooge buys none of it. I mean he’s somewhere in his hundreds, he’s probably seen about 80 thousand pitches that amount to “I have no plan but give me money anyway”. There’s a reason there’s a Butch Hartman shaped crater on the lawn from where he threw his ass out. 

Scrooge does mentor the lad, or at least attempt to pointing out he needs an actual product or service (Louie rejects the idea of a lemonade stand as too easy), or as he puts it “Find a problem and create a solution”. 

While the basic PRINCIPAL isn’t bad, find something people want or need and provide it, phrasing it that way sounds like “find a problem people are having and exploit the shit out of that problem for fun and profit.” Granted that IS a guiding principal of business, it’s just not something an uncle should be teaching his kids. They should be teaching them about the anime and cartoons they grew up with as I do with my niece and nibling. 

He does show him a valid example of this in action in the form of Donald. Turns out Donald has found a good way to make money while he looks for a job, can relate: since Duckburg is facing a housing shortage, likely because several square blocks probably get destroyed by Scrooge’s Adventures, Glomgold’s Schemes, Superhero Battles, whatever creation went horribly wrong for Gyro, etc at least once a week. So he’s taken it upon himself to offer up the spare room to whoever can rent it.. and to steal Scrooge’s chandelier which even when caught he still takes anyway. Scrooge.. you called the guy a god-damn moocher in the season premiere, despite the fact he lives there soley because YOU offered and because he’s you know, being responsible and staying by his boys so they have their father figure around. So yeah I feel he’s doing this partly out of spite as is the McDuck way. I mean if your going to call him a freeloader just for being a responsible parent, then he’s going to take it up a damn notch.

Scrooge proceeds to laugh off Louie wanting a million dollars and gives him a dime instead because of course he was. Seriously Louie there are two other billionaires in town who are FAR dumber and far more easily swindled. Just go get star up capital from them. Hell with Glomgold all you’d have to do is tell him it’d upset scrooge and he’d literally throw money at you. Or give you a shark full of money. He needs the shark back though. He’s family. 

Meanwhile Donald prepares for his new tenant and finds.. THE INCREDIBLE STORKULES! Who to his mounting horror as he realizes it, IS the new tenant. And who throws him into the sun. Cue credits. 

So after Donald somehow survives being thrown into the sun, Storkules explains why he’s here: Zeus responded to his son playing the lute a lot like any rational reasonable 

No of course he responded to the “crime” of “playing his instrument a lot” with sending a swarm of harpies on the town then blaming Storkules for it and casting him out. What’s most shocking is not the action, this is honestly him staying the course of being a fucking disgrace, but that Zeus somehow ISN’T the biggest asshole i’ve dealt with this week. No that honor is reserved as always for this bitch:

Keep in mind she manages to be this obnoxious in only TWO scenes. Also keep in mind I had to put up with Julie for a MUCH larger chunk of the previous two volumes I covered before volume 5 yesterday for my Scott Pilgrim Retrospective and she is ALWAYS like this and you now feel my pain. 

This does create a problem though: Zeus casts Storkules out until he’s a responsible adult.. and thus paints Storkules as the bad guy... in a situation where the only other person in the story sent a swarm of HARPIES down at him for simply playing his music too loud. It just dosen’t work as a catalyst: Storkules objectively did nothing wrong. The only person he annoyed was a person who clearly dosen’t love, respect or like his son in any way shape or form anyway and essentially assaulted him and a bunch of innocent people via harpie and then cast him out. Zeus is an abusive asshole and i’ts weird the narrative sides with HIM and not our well meaning doofus. Zeus being an asshole with harpies is not a bad catalyst for the episode, and the harpies being unleashed is used well.. it’s just not a good catalyst for THIS story to try and portray an abuser as in the right. And make no mistake Zeus is a domestic abuser: he had his son mind controlled to try and MURDER innocent people, something Storkules begged him not to do, sent a swarm of creatures after him for the crime of playing his music too loud and in his next episode manipulatives Storkules sad emotional state for personal gain. Why would you try and paint THIS jackass as in the right?

Speaking of painting this jackass in the right sadly.. this episode does not do my boy donald justice. In most episodes he’s pretty nuanced and i’ts fair enough he’d be frustrated by Storkules as a roomate. Storkules has little sense of personal space, breaks his stove thinking theirs hydra in it, makes a mess of the kitchen making them a meal, and in general clearly dosen’t know how to live with a roomate much less in modern society. He has valid concerns and the episode COULD have used it that way.. but he’s also horribly impatient with Storkules. He refuses to get the guy just hasn’t had to live in a modern society and dosen’t know HOW to function in it and instead of helping him just gets mad again and again and gets really pissed when it’s clear Storkules dosen’t have a job and didn’t consider paying rent. He’s not WRONG to want him to pay Rent, despite what ironically the musical Rent would try and have you believe, but he dosen’t have any patience with the guy. And stork isn’t nearly coming on as strong as he normally does. The worst he does is cook the guy lunch and bring his donald fan art with him. Which we don’t see but I am assuming is mostly naked. What i’m saying is for once that while still bombastic, Storkules isn’t trying to force a relationship/friendship on him and simply wants to learn t be an adult from his best friend.. and Donald isn’t bothering teaching him.

Asking for rent or for him not to destroy the stove is fine, but not explaining WHY he needs either of those things or why he needs boundaries, he makes a roomate list, isn’t helping the guy. And this would be fine... but the episode dosen’t call Donald out on it for no real reason. It feels like it’s setting up for a “you should learn to wokrk with someone instead of just screaming at them aseop” that never comes and like with Zeus takes his side because shutup. I’d also LIKE to say this is the only time the writers reduced one of the cast to a caracture of themselves.. but I can’t.  Several episodes in season 3 forgot Louie’s character development and another episode in season 2, The Duck Knight Returns!, somehow reduced both Scrooge and Dewey to parodies of themselves with Scrooge SOMEHOW, despite Della as stubborn as she is being in his care and by his side for decades and Movies bein ga huge business, not having seen a movie since the 1920′s and not knowing how they work and Dewey being reduced to just hyperactive moron. It isn’t as common as other shows like say Regular Show, The Loud House or, for the exact reason I lost intrest, Rick and Morty, but I still expect better, especially since they went into this season KNOWING Donald would be gone for half of it and this would likely be one of his only spotlight episodes. 

Back at the good part of the plot, Louie is having a company meeting aka already treating Huey and Webby like his employees. Webby of course is glad to sign on, if little help in actually coming up with a product while Huey just wants to nope out. And if your wondering why Dewey isn’t involved Louie outright says he’d make a bad employee and while Dewey rises from his bed to object.. he stops halfway to opening his mouth and concludes he has a point. Best gag of the episode. Louie being louie easily cons Huey into staying by making Webby his charts officer. 

So the three have a corporate retreat at Funso’s... granted they don’t have a product but Louie figures this might help. Huey.. still wants out of this and suggest since they already spent what they had on ski ball “Company over?”. It’s clear that Huey just sees this as another one of Louie’s short sighted schemes... and while he’s not ENITRELY wrong, Louie has genuine ambition.. he just has no earthly idea what he’s doing and is shooting way too high.. but for understandable reasons. 1) He’s 11 at this point. 11 year olds aren’t great at business strategy or reinging it in. 2) he wants to live up to what Scrooge said to prove he can be successful and really be worth something like his mom was. 

But sometimes fate throws you one and the harpies bust in. And while Louie wants to do nothing and hope they go away Huey and Webby spring into action.. as does Storkules, who had to leave but warns donald there’s Orzo in the slowcooker and to not open it “LEST THE PASTA FAIL TO ABSORB THE BROTH!” Which is just.... Chris’ best line dleivery the episode. He says it like he’s saying the title of an old Stan Lee and Jack Kirby comic, i’ts wonderful.

So our heroes defeat them and Louie steps in to charge for the service and quickly comes up with a company idea and name “Harp-B-Gone” (A Subsidary of Louie Inc). Louie hires Storkules on the spot. Storkules proudly tells Donald he has a job the next day and goes off to it. What follows is our heroes hilarously shooting a commerical with Storkules playing a baby to promote themselves so they can help who needs it. They just need to find out what they want.. and thanks to the JWG and the harpies stealing it find out they go after people’s most treasured posessions   Cue Ghostbusters-Style Montage

And this isn’t just me saying thing. The Rewriting History Entry (Which as a series weirdly stops around mid-season 2 and I don’t get why frank hasn’t gone back and finished it since) states they specifically based this whole operation on ghostbusters and the entire sequence of our heroes cleanin up the town reminds me of it. The highlight of it is a glomgold cameo where he’s kidnapped.. and refuses to pay so Louie just lets him go. And were this an innocent person who couldn’t afford it, i’d call him a monster.. but it’s glomgold. he brought this on himself.. and also sues himself for it. Wonder if he won. 

So with their stars rising, our heroes get booked on the hottest show in town: Dewey Dew-Night! I had honestly forgotten there was a Dewey Dew-Night segment in there, and delighted I get to talk about this recurring bit.  It’s one of the shows funniest runners and just perfectly FITS Dewey: of course the most egotistical and energetic of the kids would not only want to be a late hnight host but make up his own show. I also love the slow evolution of it: it started as something everyone clearly knew about but he stlill tried to keep hidden, slowly escalated to him allowing the rest of his siblings (Webby very much included) and the giant man who stalks his uncle in, and by later this season he’s putting the show online in the web shorts and gladly shooting it into space, with Season 3 having him spend the first half of let’s get dangerous making a documentary that includes an episode of the show featuring Darkwing. It’s a small thing sure, but it’s the little things like this that make the show special. 

The show does reveal a problem though as it turns out they’ve GOT all the harpies and while Storkules merely wanted to help, Louie points out they need more to keep a buisness going and naturally never bothered to ask Storkules just how many there were. They need SOME plan to get going. Webby submits a legitamte and great idea, training the harpies as she’s been trying to do in the background of the episode and aside from a hole in the floor they are starting to listen. But Huey is an ass about it and not only shoots it down saying let’s keep the dangerous creatures contained, even though A) he has no idea WHERE they’ve been kept so he can’t verify it’s safe, and since i’ts Donald’s Closet no no it’s not. and B)There’s no where he knows of to keep them. He isn’t aware of the other bin till next season. and C) it’s not ehtical to keep creatures locked up forever epsecially since while the harpies are dangerous they arent’ MALEVOLENT and are clearly acting on instinct. oh and for D) at least she has a plan to keep the company going instead of just wanting to end this and cash out. 

Which Huey tries to.. but naturally Louie spent all their money on...

So their broke.. and Storkules has no rent money and feels like a failure despite having done NOTHING wrong. We do get a clever little nod to Disney’s hercules though “I”m not a hero, i’m a zero”. Webby rightfully glares at Louie who decides to fix it... by sneaking into Donald’s house that night to free the harpies. 

Though to the shows credit it’s a VERY bad idea, and Storkules coming in mid attempt and congradulating Louie when he lies about checking the door gets the kid to come clean. And it’s a nice character moment: He could still go through with it.. but it’s clear he realizes just HOW low he was about to sink to save his own skin and that as much as Storkules WANTS a paycheck and deserves one, it’s not worth hurting people to get it. Louie tries to justify after this.. but can’t. 

Unforutnately Donald took a lot of stupid pills this episode, yells about his no pets rule and frees them instead of you know, THINKING for five minutes.

So yeah NATURALLY Donald is an angry shit about it , refusing to actually TALK to Storkules about this or maybe admit this is partly HIS OWN FAULT. Yes their both at fault, Storkules shoudln’t of shoved a bunch of harpies in a closet. That’s a classic blunder. But Donald still opened it and isn’t called out on taking zero responsibility. Huey sees the fracas and just takes down their days without an accident placard, good stuff and he and webby arrive to help. Donald fights with Storkules and Storkules worries about loosing his friend.. lead to them going after the thing he values most aka donlad and hyjacking the house boat, though the kids manage to get aboard. 

As Storkules saves Donald, Louie realizes the most precious thing he has is  his merch and willingly gives it, and his buisness up to save everyone. It’s good character stuff and shows that despite his problems with greed, Louie IS a good kid and will do the right thing. It’s what seperates him from the Rouges Gallery the family faces: He has FLEXIBLE morals but he has morals when it comes down to it. So everyone tosses the stoff to help direct the hapries and make it home tying them up. Donald has a heart to heart with Storkules and agrees to help him find another place, but still considers him a friend and they hug. Awww.  One intresting thing I DID find out from rewriting history is they originally fully intended to have Storkules STAY on the houseboat. He was going to be a permenant member of the household, at least as far as Season 2 was concenred and plans were made for several episodes down the road: the whole bit with him in “The Golden Spear” was simply because he lived there, he was going to be the one Della met in the houseboat, obliviously guilting her about what she’d missed, and he was going to set off the kids subplot in “Whatever Happened to Donald Duck?”

This ended up not happneing for logistical reasons: Frank, and I swear this was the term he used, felt they already had the perfect Himbo in Launchpad and it was just too much HImbo energy for the two to coexist without one taking the others screen time or neither getting a lot. 

The next reason was having a god around simply broke the story: He cited the gilded man from “Nothing Can Stop Della Duck!” as a specific example. There were just too many hoops to jump to have him not break any story he should be around for.  Finally with Della being added to the cast soon there simply wasn’t room in the main cast. Della brought it up to 9, Storkules would make it 10, and as i’ve gone on about the show already had trouble ballancing it’s cast, something Frank admitted to. Adding him would both be too big a stiatus quo change and be one on top of the massive one of Della joining the cast. So he was dropped back to recurring and only showed up one more time. And while it was the right call I am dismayed he didn’t show up for the whatever happened to donald duck subplot and it does feel very weird he never adresses Donald being gone despite, at least for season 2, apparently living in Duckburg. Otherwise though as funny as this wouldv’e been.. yeah it was the right call. 

Scrooge returns... having been absent all episode because otherwise it wouldn’t work and easily saw Louie loosing it all coming.. but gives him a can of lemonade for his troubles and comforts the boy. The heart of htis arc and what makes it work at it’s best.. is these two. Scrooge GENUINELY wants to help Louie see his potetial successor in buisness: oh sure adventure wise he’s throughly covered.. but Webby, Dewey and Della all are more focused on the addventure part and that’s where their passion and talent lies, Huey’s better at science and given his close frinedship with fenton and how much that part of things seems to truly inspire him, i’ts what he was born for, and Donald just wants a regualar life and can’t manage his own life much less a company. 

Louie is the only one in his family whose the right fit to inhereit that part of his legacy and I feel that’s why he takes a special intrest in him and webby over the other two: While he loves all of them and will clearly again leave a piece of his fortune and empire to all of them, Webby is the most like him, as we later find out not coincidentally in the slightest, when it comes to adventuring and curosity and a love of exploration. But Louie is the most like him in other ways; He’s cynical, money driven and passionate. Scrooge simply wants him to be as good a person and buisnessperson as he can be and is trying to push him in the right direction. And does so here by pointing out that failure isn’t a huge problem..it happens, comes with the terriotiry and as we’ve seen with life and times, even with portions of it clearly not happening in this universe, he failed a LOT to get here. What matters is that he tries and tries to do it the right way. 

Scrooge also sympathizes as he was buying a lemonade company in cape suzette, giving Louie the can as a present... but laments there’s no cheap effective way to deliver the lemons. Louie notices the harpies going after the can after he throws it and Webby controlling them with it and muses that theyd idn’t think about what THEY wanted.. nad rightfully gets punched across the lawn by Webby, whose had to spend an entire episode having her surrogate brothers talk down to her and ignore her valid ideas. She dosen’t even open her eyes she just bops him one.

So we end with Scrooge having enlisted the hapries, Louie trying to take credit again and both realizing they might just steal the lemons instead of work for them. Ha ha ha their going to get so sued. 

Final Thoughts: This one was mediocre. It has some good points, Louies arc continues to fascenate me, Huey’s done with this shit attitude is hilarous, and Storkules is at his best in this episode: his crush on Donald is toned down from this..

To this

To the point I could see shipping them off this one if Storkules episode didn’t have him do eveyrthing short of .. well see above.  So it’s not WITHOUT merit: I love me a ghost busters style plot, there are great jokes and Chris Dimatopolis is a gem as always. Glad he’s getting work after this show on Invincible and hope he gets to play Darkwing again some day. But the Donald stuff and the fairly predictable plot drag this one down. I’ts fairly obvious they’ll run out of harpies, Louie will have spent the money and they’ll somehow get free. It’s not a terrible episode but it’s it’s sandwiched story wise between two straight up classics on both sides: the previous two episodes were even better than I remembered and the next two are incredibly good: Whateve Happened to Della Duck?! is one of their finest hours and The Outlaw Scrooge McDuck, while not making my best of list for the series as a whole is still one of my favorites for the season.  It’s just disapointing this one wasn’t nearly as good as I remmebered and it’s understandable why I forgot almost all of it, unlike the previous two episodes. Thankfully as I said better’s over the horizon.

NEXT TIME ON OF MOONS, MILLIONARES AND MOTHERS: I’m taking a break for a week. One of two weeklong breaks for the arc, the other being the first week of July where i’m on vacation anyway (Though i’ll be doing the episode I would’ve done for that week the week before to keep the pace up, so no worries),

 As for why, it’s my utmost honor to announce GOOF WEEK! Goof Week is a weeklong celebration of Goofy’s birthday. The idea came about because as I do for the big three, I intended to just do a shorts special. But Kev , the guy who made this very review possible, suggested doing the two part Goof Troop pilot. And since kev pays for a house of mouth episode a month anyway and thaks to you lovely people I hit my patreon stretch goal to review the goofy movie, I figured “why not make a week out of it. Hence Goof week. So next week we’ll have a review of the two part pilot for Goof Troop, the special Sports Goof, the House of Mouse episode Super Goof, your regularly schedule shorts spectacular, with The Goofy Movie for the grand finale! yaaahoooooieeee! 

When we come back i’ll be shuffling episodes around slightly so I can do the Della comics from the Ducktales Tie-In Comic before her debut and in time for Donald’s own theme week in June, i’ll be saving “Whatever Happened to Della Duck?” for the week after Donald Week. Instead next we get a fun wild west adventure as Scrooge tells a story of his outlaw days, his tension with goldie and his encounter with a certain robber baron as John D Rockerduck FINALLY makes his screen debut. Yee-Haw!

If you liked this review, subscribe and follow for more and consider joining my patroen, patreon.com/popculturebuffet. I have exclusive reviews, my most recent duck based one being an obscure carl barks story about wigs and the boys attempting to murder a guy with a blow gun, and your contribution helps me reach my goals and thus gets everyone, patreon or not, a bunch of neat new reviews. If you get me to 20 dollars a month, i’m currently at 15, EVERYONE will get a monthly darkwing duck reviews, reviews of the two remaning ducktales 87 mini series including the origin of GIZMOOOODDUUUUUCCCKKKK, and a review of the Danny Phantom movie The Ultimate Enemy. And with the month running out NOW’S the time to join. YOu’ll also get to pick one of the shorts for my Donald Duck birthday specail next month, so if you want to join in NOWS the time. But wether you can or you can’t, thank you for reading, i’ts been a pleasure. 

[beckydoesthings]

I spend far too much time on AO3 to let it all go to waste, so here’s a collection of ABO fics that I thoroughly enjoy. These are all hxl unless specified otherwise. I tried to condense my total list into one post, but I very quickly realized it would be waaaaay too long, so I split it up. 

*will continue to update this. also if i mistagged an author, i deeply apologize, i do not know how to tumblr*

sleeping on our problems

E | 67k | @falsegoodnight

I’m in love with you, Louis thinks. He feels empty, weighed down by his sadness and the loss of Harry inside him just moments ago before his knot finally went down.  There’s moments where he’s sure Harry feels the same. Like now, when he’s gazing down at Louis with so much adoration and tenderness. It’s like they’re both on the cusp of something more, but neither of them ever say a word. His confession is on the tip of his tongue ready to slide out like honey, and yet he remains silent. They both do, looking at each other and recognizing the reluctance mirrored in each other’s eyes. It’s then that Louis realizes they’re both scared. - Or Louis sleeps with Harry and they have more than just catching feelings to worry about.

this is everything i’ve ever wanted in an ABO fic and i’m genuinely in love with this. i think i cried reading this lol and i’m not ashamed of it. also the smut!

A Distant Hazy Light

E | 198k | @greenfeelings

Life’s pretty ordinary for Harry. He lives with his best friend, got into university just like he’s planned, and manages to support himself just fine for an unbonded omega. If he sustains that lifestyle by getting paid to help alphas through their rut every now and then, that’s nothing to be hung up on. Until he’s hired by an alpha that turns everything upside down.

Or, Harry’s working on taking Louis’ walls down, until he builds his own up.

this is part one of a three part ABO series that also probably made me cry at some point. chock full of angst and heartbreak with an (eventual) happy ending. also the side ziam is just *chef’s kiss*. 

pray for some sweet simplicity

E | 237k | @eeveelou

Louis is the only omega to ever make it in the cut-throat world of competitive motorcycle racing—that is, he would be if anyone actually knew about his identity. Now, his sights are set towards competing in—and winning—the European Grand Prix, the biggest and most difficult race of the entire year, so he can disappear underground for good. He’s close enough, too, until an alpha sports journalist is assigned to follow Louis’s every move as he prepares for the event of his career.

Or, an AU where motorcycle racing is the biggest sport in a heavily divided world, Louis is trying to take control of his own destiny, and Harry is in for more than he bargained for.

it’s just so beautiful. their relationship development was soooo good and i adored reading this piece. i never thought i could enjoy a motorcycle racing story so much!

A Sea Without Water, A Compass Without Direction

T | 84k

”Tell me, Louis,” Captain Styles said, leaning forward a little. ”D’you think I’m an idiot?”

”I—what?” Louis asked, surprised by the blunt question. He had expected something different, something along the lines of how he learned music, or how he ended up as a prisoner on the other ship.

”Do you think I’m an idiot?” The captain repeated, putting emphasis on each word as though Louis couldn’t understand him otherwise.

”Of course not,” Louis said, shaking his head. He’d be a fool for thinking such a thing, and an even bigger fool for saying it out loud. ”Captain.”

Captain Styles nodded slowly, leaning back in his chair and folding his hands in his lap. ”Then why did you lie to me?”

”L-Lie?”

”Out on the deck. You lied to me,” he said. He held up his hand, three fingers up. ”Three lies total. I hate liars.”

i think i’ve read this like a dozen times and it’s still. so. good. probably the first pirate fic i read and i love it so much! the dynamic between them is awesome to read.

Seeing Blind

E | 46k | @that-idiot-overthere

Louis finally turns his head in Liam’s direction, knows his face is showing the longing he’s been aching with ever since it took root in his chest. “What the fuck do I do, Liam? He wouldn’t want me like that, but I want-” his voice cracks, and he turns his face back downwards. “What do you do when you’re not perfect for the person who’s perfect for you?”

OR the one where Harry’s an independent omega who likes to have his fun and Louis is the blind alpha that changes Harry’s priorities.

the smut in this fic is absolutely filthy and i love it ;). but watching the two boys be idiots in love made this fic for me.

The Space Between

E | 40k | @alltheselights

Harry Styles is the alpha rockstar who can’t sleep and doesn’t know why.

Louis Tomlinson is the omega PhD student who helps him figure it out.

i wanted to smack harry the entire time i was reading this, but in a cool way obviously. it’s quite fluffy but it’s got enough angst to make it suspenseful.

Face Your Fears

E | 92k | @sadaveniren

Harry is a single father, pretending to be a beta after his alpha mated him and left him. He’s getting by just fine raising the twins when Louis walks into his bakery. Too bad him and Louis will never be a thing.

this fic is a rollercoaster of emotions from beginning to end and it’s amazing to read. i’m not sure what i love more, the fact that harry’s a baker or half the plot being based around wikipedia being false.

The Compulsion to Find Love

E | 140k | @toomanydreamers

The most prestigious English third-level institution, Candling University, accepts omega students for the first time and Louis Tomlinson applies with bright eyes and brighter ambitions. There he encounters personal obstacles, traditional mindsets and a beautiful boy who inverts every prejudice Louis has ever known.

it is quite a lengthy story but totally worth it. i adore louis’ fierce determination in this! 

We Both Got Nothing to Hide

E | 43k 

“Talk to me, Lou.”

“I can’t,” Louis mumbled, knowing he genuinely couldn’t say it. He couldn’t admit to what he was doing. “Don’t ask me to say it, because I can’t.”

“Then… I’ll try and guess. You’ve… got some stuff of Harry’s. Something of his to make it smell like him?”

Louis just nodded, eyes fixated on the floor. This was humiliating, but he knew Zayn wouldn’t stop until he found out what was going on.

“Okay. Like… a blanket, or a comforter or something?”

“Kind of…”

//

Omega Louis has a secret nest. Alpha Harry keeps losing his clothes.

personal favorite because i have a soft spot for nesting. but i love the relationship between the two and it’s. so. fluffy i could melt.

lemon eyes

E | 50k

It's not proper for omegas to mess around with alphas before finding their bondmate. But Harry doesn't give a damn what's proper and fully intends on getting as much experience as he can before even trying to find one. As far as he's concerned, the right alpha won't care, and he'll have some fun on the way.

And who better to start with than Louis Tomlinson, the alpha with the worst reputation on campus?

ah yes a fic where Louis is an alpha and both are versatile?? wack. anyways, the smut in this is awesome and harry’s an idiot. what’s new?? (jkjk)

A Taste of Desire

E | 104k | @casuallyhl

“As forward as I have been with you this evening, I am also aware this dinner party isn’t the place to conduct business.” Mr. Tomlinson chuckles quietly to himself, shooting a subtle glance across the table towards their hostess. “And besides, I am sure our hostess would be horribly disappointed to learn that we went away this evening with a business agreement and not a mating one.”

Harry, who had been sipping his wine, coughs harshly at this. He splutters, unaccustomed to such blatant statements about mating.

Mr. Tomlinson continues to laugh quietly, clearly pleased at Harry’s reaction.

“Mrs. Humphreys promised that there was an alpha attending the dinner tonight that I would certainly get on well with,” Mr. Tomlinson continues, voice teasing. “She assured me that we would have much in common since we both work with mills.” Mr. Tomlinson glances at Harry, eyes flashing with mirth. “Little did she know that would be where our mutual interests began and ended.”

Or, a Victorian ABO where Harry is the owner of the most successful cotton mill in Manchester, and Louis is an opinionated social activist about to disrupt Harry’s world.

one of my favorite historical AUs! i love how strong and opinionated Louis is and how Harry comes round to follow. 

Canyon Moon

E | 40k | @eeveelou

For as long as Louis has remembered, he has been promised to be mated to Harry, his best friend and the future pack alpha. But Louis’s heart belonged to the forest and to the hunt more than he could ever imagine it belonging to Harry.

Then Harry’s father dies in a violent accident, and Louis’s future alpha disappears on the wind.

An A/B/O Lion King AU

disney AUs are the shit! i’ve got a small love for werewolf fics and this is one of my favorites. love how this takes the story of lion king for a spin.

Quiet People Have the Loudest Minds

M | 38k | @2tiedships2

Broadway shows were one of the few things that could keep Louis’ attention for a full two hours without needing to move about. But not tonight.

The alpha next to him was both infuriating him and practically turning him on at the same time. He needed to leave. The alpha, that is. Louis was staying.

Or the one where Louis is a nonverbal omega who has accepted the fact that he will never find an alpha that will treat him as an equal. On the other hand, he’s never met anyone like Harry.

i love how just sappy and sweet this is, like there are just hearts pouring out of my eyes as i read this. also broadway!

*updated 2/15/21*

[moonlight--cafe]

@ourclaryme

Okay I finally made it to your idol life ship, I actually feel emotional 😭 I loved doing every single one, even after the drabble is finished please don’t hesitate to pop in and say hi or request ships or more drabbles. Now let’s get into it!

This took longer because I wanted to make it extra special and flashy with the general aesthetic and the album 💖 Plus I got really sick but anyways I’m back! I’m so sorry about the boyfriend part it pretty much turned into a oneshot but hey that can be a special Christmas present from me to you.

And since I’m posting this on Christmas I wanted to wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year🎆

~Your Company~ KQ Entertainment

~Group Name~  Syren

~Members~ 8

~Debut Date~  22nd of  November, 2018

~Pre-Debut Days~

Since you could remember you had always had an interest in music, it was a sense of intrigue for you. You could do so much with performing and music, yet it was something that many could access. Though you had considered music you didn’t think it would be possible for you to drop your old life to pursue a career as an idol. Luckily you didn’t have to do much for KQ to come to you. You were scouted for their new girl group, they had found some videos of you performing your own original music.

Whether you knew it or not you had given the impression  that you had a genuine love of music, paired with the aesthetic and the pleasing visuals. You seemed well put together. Even if you were taking a more simplistic approach it was something that KQ could see in their planned group. When they had reached out to you they were surprised that you accepted their offer so quickly, it was a stab in the dark on their part. Going through your Youtube channel you had certainly shown creative initiative through your songwriting. You held the innocence and lust for life that would be a unique yet pleasant contrast to the theme of the group. 

During your early days as a trainee you were actually quite uncomfortable, though you could manage it was far different from what you had envisioned it to be. Due to this you were one of the more withdrawn trainees, you had a lot to say and a lot that you wanted to share but could never find the right moment to do so.

Eventually the others warmed up to you, it was almost like a flip of a switch. You went from being a quiet loner to one of the admired trainees. You were agreeable and despite your modesty and lack of experience in idol training, your ambition resulted in you drastically improving in all areas. 

You had managed to hang in there enough to debut after four years of being a trainee. Unfortunately the majority of your friends didn’t debut as members of Syren, as a result of this you seriously considered giving up your spot but decided against that after a comforting pep-talk with your friends. You had still managed to support them, and offer advice until they had gotten the opportunity to debut. 

~About You~

~Your Position~  Leader, Main producer, Vocalist & Sub-Dancer.

There was a reason your group had debuted immediately after ATEEZ, KQ was trying something that would have been a first in the Kpop industry. Your group was going to have clear ties to ATEEZ and the lore that was created, while they were pirates roaming the seas, escaping their dark sides and seeking freedom. Syren was exactly that, a group of Sirens who roamed the sea luring people in with their voice and beauty. The age-old legend had obviously been modernized to fit in with the exquisite nature of kpop.

The nature of your music doesn’t seem to match the lore initially but when you go into depth you see that it does work, your debut song was quite energetic and out there, the eye-catching nature of it was what drew people in. The harsh beat, rap and the drops in the song itself represents the sheer power you and your group have when you are together.

Often times there is a reference to your group in ATEEZ’s music and videos and vice versa, you have a few songs where you collaborate in a sense your groups were designed to be twin flames. Though this story was created by the company your group has total influence on the music that you put out and how you want that to connect with ATEEZ. That’s where you come in, you take on the responsibility as producer, you mainly write and compose the songs. You have quite a talent for inspiring and creating a strong plot through something that is only 3-4 minutes long. You’re very respected in your group due to this, you’re quite literally the author of your group.

Slightly touching on what I said earlier you are most known for your leadership skills and your overall, open nature. You are simultaneously creative and intelligent, you really have everything that makes a perfect leader. You’re motivated by a need to be there for other people, you are one of the more present members. You’re supportive and always try your hardest to support and push your members to succeed, your presence is never overbearing either.

 A lot of fans view you as the angel of the group, you always stop what you’re doing to update your fans on your life. You create a beautiful space for your fans and they just see you as a comfort. 

Adding on to you being so open to experience, you and your group often frequent talk shows and game shows. In these instances you are one of the fan favourites, it’s always fun to see how you react to things. It’s also more of a comfort to your fans to see you so genuinely happy and coming across as a regular person.

~Debut~

~Debut Song~  Bite Me in the style of Zombie- PURPLE KISS

Other Songs include:

Compass in the style of Higher- A.C.E

On Wings of Gold in the style of Filter - Jimin (BTS)

Ocean Breeze in the style of Medication- KARD

(Okay for some reason this masterpiece isn’t on Spotify so I can’t link it 🥲)

~Debut Album~  CORAL

~Stage Outfits~

~Relationships~

~Best Friend~  Ten (WayV)

One thing that constantly follows Ten around, his apparent trademark, is his love of beauty and expression. This also goes for people, Ten absolutely adores friends who share a similar perspective, people who make a conversation effortless. Though he often jokes about it, he definitely isn’t lying when he says he lowkey manifested your friendship.

The day Ten had stumbled across your group was an unassuming day, he had thought he saw everything but alas he scrolled through Youtube for the fourth time within the last hour, he was about to just give up and shift his attention to following around one of his members like a lost puppy when the intricate thumbnail of your Bite Me mv caught his attention.

Before he knew it he had wasted a considerable amount of time in awe, in some ways Ten is hard to impress so imagine his surprise when he couldn’t pick out one thing he didn’t like. He was captivated by the theme and the flawless nature of every single member, not to mention the catchiness of the song.

Even though your group had literally just debuted Ten would proudly advertise for your group, in a casual way of course. After a while it became obvious that Ten was the ninth member of Syren even if it was just in his heart. At no time did he ever think that he could ever meet you all in person.

So imagine his surprise when a year later he was sitting in the Inkigayo cafeteria with the members of WayV and your group approached him. Well technically you had come to introduce yourself to the group as a whole, nevertheless Ten had his fanboy moment.

Ten had immediately clicked with all of the members but you were one of the few members who gave him a smile so big it hurt, since then you and Ten have been the iconic duo. He sees you as a little sister, with that being said he most likely treats you like one. Nothing brings him as much joy as being able to playfully insult you or tease you, your reactions are priceless. Your relationship with him is just so wholesome, it’s such a sweet thing to witness when the two of you meet at award shows. Though Ten manifested this friendship with his entire being he didn’t manifest the brotherly love that welled in his heart when he sees you.

~Friends~ Mino (WINNER), Rosé (BLACKPINK), Yeri (Red Velvet), Kihyun (MONSTA X), Mimi (Oh My Girl) & Yeji (ITZY) 

~Boyfriend~ Hongjoong (ATEEZ)

Okay it may sound a little harsh or disheartening but it honestly took a while for Hongjoong to notice that he had any romantic feelings for you. Hongjoong is a very hard worker, that being said he was always very prepared to be married to his job in a sense. Hongjoong was always aware of your existence as a trainee so when he heard that you were a member of ATEEZ’s sister group he was more than happy. Though he hadn’t spoken to you that much he had a good sense of intuition, and it told him that the two of you would get on like a house on fire.

He was glad that he was correct with his theory, considering that the two of you frequently worked together to create new music. The two of you had a hectic schedule that required the two of you to work together. With the creation of your group KQ had gone the extra mile to ensure that your groups would be parallel to each other by giving the two of you more creative liberty when it came to the concepts and ideas your groups had. This meant that you were in constant communication with each other, discussing what the connecting theme would be in your comebacks, what choreography would compliment your groups and the likes. So it wasn’t a surprise that the relationship between the two of you remained strictly professional for the most part.

Hongjoong’s crush on you formed in an almost instantaneous manner, it was another one of those days where the two of you were throwing around ideas for your latest mv release. Nothing was out of the ordinary as your cycle continued: Work, a fifteen minute break and jokes to break the uneventful moments of your time together. You normally laughed at his jokes, he had a witty humour that aligned itself with cringy dad jokes and you loved it! But for some reason the sight of you in stitches at one of these jokes made his heart skip a beat. Moments like this became a frequent occurrence, Hongjoong felt a wave of shame wash over him even though part of him knew he shouldn’t. 

So the deep thinking leader took a few steps back asking himself if he had always felt this way, he couldn’t figure out when it had started but he was sure he had felt this way for a while. Every moment he had to himself he began to search through his memories, was it when he first met you as a trainee? Was it when you helped him create Desire? Or was it when you bought him some dinner/breakfast when he stayed up into the early hours of the morning? 

He wasn’t proud of himself, he definitely let this drag out for way too long. It had been a month and he still didn’t have any of the answers he was searching for. What made the situation ten times worse in his opinion was the fact that he still had to work so closely with you, he considered coming up with an excuse but he didn’t want to act out like a stubborn child. One day he approached Seonghwa and begged him to switch places ‘You always wanted to produce a song right?! You can write the rest of the song with y/n’ . For obvious reasons Seonghwa just gave a polite smile and walked away. So in short he was kind of pushed towards having some words with you, and that’s exactly how he he worded it. 

You were kind of worried, had you upset him? Were you lacking as a producer? Did you distract him? It turns out you were a big distraction but not in the way you thought. Hongjoong could tell you were already rigid and uncomfortable, by that reaction alone he was already ready to chicken out, the devil on his shoulder told him to run out of the room and never look back but the angel beckoned him to stay so he did. He launched into the conversation in a casual way, mainly to save his own sanity. He thought he was going well until he accidentally slipped in a confession ‘Yeah, that’s a brilliant idea! You have so many great ideas, that’s why I love you.’  

To say the room was awkward was an understatement, you would break a knife if you tried to cut the tension. Hongjoong didn’t know how you’d react but he figured it couldn’t get any worth than this, so he leaned in and placed a soft kiss on your lips. It was over in a flash and you seriously didn’t know whether this was real or if you were in an insane lucid dream. Hongjoong was functioning on 2x speed since he had already thanked you for the conversation and was making his way out the door, there was no way you were letting this slide. Gripping his wrist you gently tugged on it to beckon him to stay, ‘I love you too, my little desire’.  

~Crushing on You~ San (ATEEZ)

San doesn’t necessarily believe in fate or anything that comes off cheesy as hell (in his opinion), despite this he still feels that there was a deeper meaning behind him meeting you.

A year into your time as a trainee there was an influx of new trainees though some were girls a year or so your junior the majority were fresh-faced cocky guys who held an idol aura since day one. You had to admit you fell into the group of people who thought that the new trainees were just for show, you came to the conclusion that if they were this attractive there personality would be quite ugly and distasteful. In this instance you were so glad that your theory was proved incorrect by no other than Choi San.

During the time where you felt socially isolated it was San who first introduced himself to you, at the time he hadn’t held any attraction to you. San’s reasoning for wanting to be around you was born out of the innocence of his admiration for your talents.  At the time San wasn’t as talkative as he is now, even so he still fit in well with the other trainees. 

It was quite a shock to the others when San refused to join them for lunch in hopes that he could stay back and practice. It just so happened you had also decided to stay behind in hopes of refining your dance moves.

San refused to make it too obvious so he introduced himself and bombarded you with compliments, San’s chaotic positivity was a much needed breath of fresh air. That would be the start of a close mutual friendship that extended well into your days as official idols. San was a happiness pill that you often indulged in, whether it be through watching a movie in their dorm room, texting each other into the early hours of the morning or simply hugging each other.

San stuck by the idea that his heart skipped many a beat purely because you were his best friend, San wouldn’t realise the extent of his love until you confessed to him that you and Hongjoong had been a happy couple for four months. San was crushed, the way your eyes lit up when speaking about Hongjoong he couldn’t help but think ‘It should be me’  when you show off the rose Hongjoong had bought you on a whim he thinks ‘She would have liked my gift better’.  As he lays awake in the middle of the night he goes back and forth in his head, writing, deleting and rewriting the same string of words ‘Why can’t it be us?’ 

~Other Idols Crushing on You~ Jinyoung(GOT7),  Hwanwoong (ONEUS), Hyunsuk (TREASURE), Arthur (KINGDOM) and Jaehyun (NCT). 

~Extra Info~

You were listed as one of the top 10 most influential idols in 2020.

You were endorsed by Elizabeth Arden to be their model for their latest line of makeup.

You finally got to collaborate with Ten on one of his solo songs, which you had the pleasure of performing live with him.

Eventually you started a side gig of some sort as a songwriter and producer for other idols, the word of your talents spread and you managed to collaborate with Olivia Rodrigo and Justin Bieber.

After some time you and Hongjoong decided to make your relationship public, overall it was met with much support and happiness. The two of you became an infamous couple in the industry due to your talents and the absolutely pure nature of your relationship. 

[wistfulwatcher]

Hello I saw your tag on that "im 25 and dying post" please tell us how it got better for you. Im 26, still living with parents, currently having a fight with my boyfriend, and i still have a year until I get my bachelors. The comparison to everyone younger than me is killing me.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling, but I hope you can take some solace in the fact that that post has a lot of notes and you are absolutely not alone in feeling the way you do! I can certainly try and share my experience, but unfortunately I think the biggest factor is just time (and like, a buttload of self-reflection).

I moved back home after college and worked full time at an administrative job I was doing during school breaks. I majored in psychology and anthropology in college, and was planning to eventually go into forensic psychology, but wasn't interested in going straight into grad school. So I did that administrative job for about a year, and tried to find something that was a bit more stable and at least semi-related to my field. I did end up finding a new job when I was 23 - stable, semi-related to my field (a psych/research background was required), and decent pay (especially as I was still living at home). Exactly what I needed, since I still wasn't ready to start looking into grad school.

I was doing pretty well, until I started getting comfortable at that job, and then I started getting hit with the "I'm not doing enough," and "I need to look into grad school," and "will I ever find a boyfriend?" (friendly reminder that 23-year-old me thought she was straight, yikes), "how will I afford to move out, I have to save my money and do it soon!", "I'm not doing anything but watching TV, I'm wasting my life," "I'm lonely, but I'm too tired to try and make friends," etc., etc.

But it wasn't constant. I'd have a flurry of those questions and fears, and then days where I was just living life and doing my job and taking care of my dogs, without any of that. And I don't think I felt good or particularly comfortable those days, it was more like I just wasn't actively thinking about it, like when you feel "good" after a physical pain goes away and you're just normal.

Eventually, I started thinking about all of these concerns I had, and the fact that it felt like it was URGENT whenever I thought about them. It felt like I needed to get my shit together immediately. I also started to acknowledge that there was this big sense of guilt around those concerns; I was too old to be living at home, I was too old to be single, I was too old not to be starting a career. I felt like I was wasting my life (cue the guilt), and I realized that part of why I felt like I was wasting it was that I felt like I was missing milestones I wouldn't be able to do at a later time because the older I was past "normal" the more humiliating it would be to try (cue the shame and embarrassment, hard).

I also started to doubt that I wanted to go into forensic psychology. More importantly, I started to seriously doubt that I wanted a "career" at all. My job (as I kept that same semi-related to my field one) was absolutely a job, not a career. And I think this was a huge tipping point for me, because a career had always been a given in my life. I'm passionate about what I'm interested in, so it literally just never occurred to me that I would be content with a job. I also started acknowledging that I had some messed up associations about being content with a job meaning that I was lazy (because the only way to be ambitious is with a career and, more damaging, a lack of ambition is fundamentally bad).

Now, I need to clarify that all of the above occurred over the course of years. I was constantly seeing "friends" (i.e., of the facebook variety) go to grad school, start careers, get married, buy homes, etc. And with all of that alongside the entire mess I've outlined in the above paragraphs, it was really, really, tough. It gets hard to find a foothold in better thinking, I believe, when seeing all of these people (some younger) doing things "right" was really just compounding my guilt and shame. (I feel like it's worth mentioning, too, that I was always "an individual" growing up, march-to-the-beat-of-my-own-drummer, yada yada. I feel like that's worth pointing out for others who may be in the same boat, because I think it can lead to another layer of shame in comparing yourself to those around you - especially if it's a big part of your identity that you DON'T do that, because I think it's inevitable as you get older, and you're looking to reach these milestones that prove you're an adult.)

So, here I am, acknowledging that I feel guilt and shame about what I'm not doing. And suddenly I ask myself my first really important question: Do I want a career? The question hot on its heels is: Do I want to go to grad school? Honestly, my answer is no. There is nothing in me that's excited by the prospect. But what, does that mean I'm just going to work my job for the rest of my life? How is giving up going to make me feel better about Not Doing Enough?

As I'm opening this door (remember, years), three things happen: 1) I realize I'm gay, 2) I watch Dirty 30, 3) I start playing D&D.

First, realizing I'm gay. Woohoo! Not only was this exciting because girls are amazing, but it made me seriously look at myself. Realizing I had spent 25 years assuming one thing about myself that turned out to be completely wrong made me question everything for a while. I started to ask myself, "Do I really like this?" more often, which seems like a really obvious question, but I'm not convinced that it's one people ask themselves consciously all that often. But once I did, I realized how freeing it was to answer, "No," and move on to something I did like.

Second, I watched Dirty 30, the Grace Helbig/Mamrie Hart/Hannah Hart movie. It feels dramatic to say that it changed my life, but the older I get the more I honestly think it did. Mamrie Hart's character is a dental hygienist who is freaking out about turning 30 and feeling very much like that text post I reblogged. But (spoilers), at the end of the movie, she decides that she loves her job (job, not career!) because it's comfortable and she has fun at work, and that it makes her happy. She has other things going on, but the idea that a character in a film is content with her job and choosing to "settle" into her life as-is and she's genuinely happy about it? I honestly can't think of a single other time I've seen that happen on-screen. I still think about that ending very often. And after seeing it, I started to ask myself another question regularly: "Am I happy?" Again, this feels pretty obvious, but I think there is something incredibly empowering about making sure you are happy on a regular basis, instead of just assuming that you're fine until something hurts.

Third, I started playing D&D. This is not a plug for D&D! (Well, maybe a little.) One thing that happened to me when I started to get into the urgent-guilt-shame-confusion mess of my mid-20s was that I got very much into a routine of go to work, come home, sleep, go to work, come home, sleep, be totally brain-dead on the weekend, repeat. I found it very difficult to feel creative because I was just wiped, and as all of my creative outlets (gifs, fanfic) are self-motivated, it was really easy to brush them off. I ended up starting Critical Role (this is also not a plug for CR! well, maybe), and I wanted to give D&D a try myself. (I was VERY lucky - my best friend happened to be listening to the Adventure Zone at the same time I started CR, and she wanted to try to run a game. The stars truly aligned!)

I started playing, then DMing, and found that it was a great fit for my interests. I used to be a theatre kid, and I was getting to act again (something I didn't realize I was missing). I was getting to build and flesh out characters, which is what I love the most about writing fanfic. I was also discovering that I was stretching myself - world building and plot had never been my strong suit, but as a DM it became the majority of my creative effort. It gave me soft deadlines with people I didn't want to let down, and it made me truly social again for the first time since college. Essentially, it was filling in all of the gaps of what I felt lacking in my life. This isn't a D&D plug because it wasn't D&D specifically, but rather a hobby that satisfied what was missing in my life. For example, I didn't realize how isolated I was before D&D until I had regular interactions with friends, and that isolation absolutely made the urgent-guilt-shame-confusion worse.

D&D gave me that final push to realize that I was OK with having a job and being passionate about hobbies instead of trying to fit myself into a career, because I was getting out of that hobby what I had been convinced I would get out of a career. I started to really value that I could punch out and go have fun doing exactly what I wanted to do. (It feels so obvious as I type this, but it took me a long time to get here! Sometimes it really is that simple!)

The above is specific to my job vs. career struggle which may not be in the mix of things you're struggling with. But what I do think is universal/can be your take away, is that sometimes you just have to actively choose to let go of the pressure to be doing things. Which, I know, sounds so much easier than it is (and part of why I think it just takes time/is part of growing older). But I think it's something that can be worked at over time, by checking in with yourself about what you feel, why you feel it, and what you need to make yourself feel better in the present.

It's been 6 years since I started that semi-related job, and I'm still there. I still live with my mom. I'm still single. My circumstances have not changed since 24, but honestly? I'm OK. When I check in with myself about it, I do enjoy living with my mom and our dogs (even though I'm 30 and "real" adults move out). I am happy more often than I'm not (much more, actually!). I have a job that allows me to be done after 8 hours, and I have hobbies I look forward to doing each night (and the energy to do them, most of the time). My weekends are free to play D&D with my friends and laugh until I cry. That is what I've worked out as my definition of what I want life to be right now. You'll notice it includes none of the "milestones" that those younger than me have hit.

As I noted on that text post tag, I still struggle with this. I definitely have days where I think, I'm a mess, I'm not DOING anything. It's hard. But time does help, those days become fewer and farther between.

I know that was probably a hundred times longer than you wanted it to be, but I did want to illustrate just how much of a process it is. It takes time. My summary advice is to check in with yourself often, be honest about what you want and what you need, do not let anyone else define where you "should" be. And if you aren't living life how you want to be, identify what you can do (however small) to make yourself feel like you're getting closer.

[deanandthephantoms]

We're a Perfect Harmony PT.4 - Reader x Charlie

A/N: Sorry it took so long for this next chapter to be posted i really struggled with this one. Thanks for the advice and encouragement to keep me going @julie-thefatones and @happinessinthedarkesttimes you're both gems <3. - Hopefully you'll all enjoy this new part!

Summary: Charlie and Y/N meet again in real life after a year of face timing.. Will it be just like last year or will thing be different? How will Y/N deal with her feelings for Charlie? And what happens when Emma is suddenly around all the time? We’ll find out in this chapter..

Wordcount: About 5700

Other Chapters: 1 / 2 / 3

Playing pretend..

A year had passed and summer came around again. There however was one major difference with last year. Around this time last year I felt scared and anxious because I was about to go on this camp with all those people I didn't know. Now I felt super excited cause I was about to see all of my friends again after such a long time. Madi was the only one I had seen a few times cause she lived somewhat close to me. I had talked to the rest regularly and had of course seen Charlie almost every day over Face time. There however was this tiny voice in my head, a voice that was telling me things would be awkward. I was afraid things would be different, afraid they suddenly wouldn’t like me anymore and possibly the biggest fear; afraid that Charlie and I would not have as good of a time as we had last year, I for some reason was afraid our real life click had vanished. Even though I knew that would not be the case and I desperately tried telling myself that, I couldn’t help but feel nervous on my way over there. The fact that I had developed feelings for Charlie didn’t help either. I didn’t want to like him like that and I would do everything in my power to deny the fact that I did. I was so lost in my own anxious mind I didn’t even notice the fact that we had arrived on camp..

Once I got off the bus there was the same big crowd as there was last year. This time however my eyes instantly fell on the boy I was most excited to see. I felt my heart jump a little and butterflies emerged in my stomach at the sight of him. At the same time he seemed to have noticed my bus arrived. And as soon as our eyes locked he dropped everything he was holding and came running towards me. “ NUGGEEEEETTT!!” He picked me up from the ground and spun me around while giving me the tightest hug “ YOU’RE FINALLY HERE!!” i wrapped my arms around his neck and held on to him as tight as I could. Being in his arms made me feel like all my doubts and fears were never even there. I just felt calm , peaceful and happy. ”It's so good to finally see you again Charlieee” he then put me back down to look at me with the brightest smile “ what do you mean? you literally saw me last night, you dork.” he says playfully. “ yeah, I know. But you know Face time is nice and all but it doesn’t beat seeing someone in real life right?” “ oh I get it, I definitely missed doing this” he says while pulling me in for another tight hug. “ Me too” I mumble into his shoulder. We let go of each other and I start to gather my stuff from the bus, when Charlie sees me struggling with a big and heavy bag he comes over to me and laughs “Let me get that for you.” and without allowing me to even say anything he takes the bag from my hands. He then walks me and all my stuff to my bedroom and when I open the door I see Madison is already there. I see a grin appear on her face when she sees me and Charlie who’s still carrying all my stuff. “HIIIII Y/N and Charlie!” she greets us. “Maaaaads!” I say while pulling her in for a hug, trying my best to hide the girl’s stupid grin from Charlie. Not that he would think anything of it, but I wasn’t gonna risk it either. I then let go of her and finally take my stuff from Charlie’s hands. “Thank you” I just tell him with a smile. "No probem" He smiles at me before pulling mads in for a hug "Goood to seee you mads!" He then leaves us alone suddenly remembering he had literally dropped all his stuff for me.

“Sooooo remind me again how there’s nothing going on between you two?” Madison says the moment Charlie left the room. I let out a groan causing Madison to laugh. “I already told you. We’re just friends Mads, Charlie was just being nice.” “Just being nice? Really Y/N? Me and Charlie have been friends for years. He has never dropped everything for me or Sav or Jadah or basically anyone.” I wasn’t even gonna fight her on this.. I knew nothing would change this girl’s mind. So instead I just said “Look Mads, whatever it is that may or may not be going on, can we not talk about this when he’s around?” “Don’t worry. I won’t mention anything. Even if I wanted to I can’t. Emma is in our group this year so..” I know I told Emma I would like to get to know her better this year but I’m not sure how I felt about the fact that she was in our group now.. Super selfishly I may be a bit scared it would have it’s negative effects on the time I would get to spend with Charlie. I couldn’t think like that though, she was his girlfriend if there was anyone deserving of his time it was her. “Oh wow, I didn’t see that one coming. I bet Charlie is very excited about it, I know he tried to get her into this group last year but back then she didn’t want to..” there's a short silence “Charlie didn’t tell you?” Mads seemed genuinely surprised by this fact. “No.. I bet he just forgot about it or something..”

There was no time to think anything of it because Savannah and Jadah came bursting into the room, we all just screamed gathering in one big group hug in the middle of our room. Mads couldn’t help but tell Jadah and Savannah about how Charlie had carried my bags for me which made them once again tease me. But once I asked them to not do this when he was around they promised me they wouldn’t and I trusted them. We talked and giggled while unpacking our bags and then our last roommate came in.. “Hello Girls” She said. She sounded and looked somewhat shy and or uncomfortable I couldn’t tell for sure. But I did know she could use a hug. I got up and embraced her into a warm hug. “Hi Emma! I heard you’re in our group this year. That’s cool!” and I wasn’t just saying that to be nice.. The way she came into the room reminded me of how I had felt last year. I felt for her and wanted to make sure she actually felt welcome. My gesture seemed to have taken her by surprise “Hi Y/N, I eh I am yeah. Thank you.” She smiled at me. A genuine one. Who know maybe Emma and me could actually become friends after our rough start last year..

When I was done unpacking I decided to go out and see if Jeremy and Owen had arrived yet. Emma came with me so I took this chance of getting to know her a bit better. I learned that she had an older brother and that she had a great connection with her parents. She loved baking and wanted to work with small kids in the future. That was gonna be something we could bond over. That’s when is saw the boys. “JER , OWEN!” I yelled all excited before running up to them and pulling the both of them into a hug. “Y/N!” they both yelled back “You actually came back!” Owen added. That’s when Charlie threw himself into the conversation. “Of course she came back Owen. She just couldn’t miss us any longer.” He said clearly teasing. i shoot charlie a look and he just sticks his tongue out to me. “Glad to see you two getting along” He then said to me and Emma before throwing his arm around Emma and giving her a quick kiss. Oof.. I was gonna have to get used to this. I’m sure I would have to see a lot more of this now Emma was in our group. It’s not that it bothered me that much, I mean I expected to see them together. It was fine. But I couldn’t stop myself from hoping they would not be stuck together like that the entire week.

Just like last year we were placed into smaller groups and during our first activity we met this new boy called Sacha. He was kind of cute and on top of that he seemed really nice. That’s when a plan started to form.. The girls were pretty sure about the fact that I liked Charlie heck i was convinced everyone could see it.. I needed a form of distraction, something to keep everyone from obsessing over how i actually felt. And that’s where Sacha came in.. What if I just started casually telling people I thought Sacha was cute I mean he had blonde hair and blue eyes I had once mentioned that was my type.. Surely that would get their minds of me and Charlie? Since Sacha was new to the group I decided to invest some time in genuinely getting to know him, making sure he felt welcome and all that. Just like the rest of the group he was into music and loved playing the guitar and had the ambition to become an actor. I couldn’t help but think this guy was gonna get along with Charlie quite well.

As if I had summoned him Charlie came up to us and sat down beside me. – actually, he couldn’t sit closer to me if he tried..- “Hey guys!” “Hi Charles” I said to him with a big smile. – I really had to stop reacting to him that way..- "Sacha and I were actually just talking about how he loves playing the guitar.” “Oh? Awesome! We should totally jam sometime!” and just like that I was sat between two boys fangirling over guitars and guitar players I had admittedly never heard of.. “Aaalright” I interrupted the two. “I’m gonna go find the girls.” I give Charlies leg a quick pat before getting up and walking off.

I find the girls outside on a bench “heellooo, what are we talking about?” I say while joining them. “boys, actually.” Savannah says with a grin on her face. “Jadah was telling us about this dude she met.” Boys? Great. Time to put my Sacha plan to action.. “ahh I wanna hear all about it Ja!” “Soo.. since we’re on the topic of boys.. What do we think about Sacha?” I ask nonchalantly. We all seem to agree on the fact that he seems nice and pretty cool. “I was just talking to him. That’s until Charlie interrupted us.. I think he’s kind of cute actually..” Madison looks at me with a suspicious face. Then Emma speaks up “ohh, You like Sacha?” “well I mean.. I’ve only just met him. But he is totally the type of guy I would usually fall for..” “Who is?” I hear Owen ask behind me. Before him and Jer join us. “Y/N likes Sacha.” Emma just happily replies. “Ohhh does sheee?” Jer says and I instantly see two boys with a teasing smirk looking at me. I had not expected it would be so easy to convince people.. Although I could tell Madi was not convinced at all, but she promised she wouldn’t say anything so it was gonna be fine.. I think.

Later that night our group was chilling by the campfire. Charlie and Sacha both had brought their guitar and were jamming away. Emma was resting her head on Charlie’s shoulder and was actually engaging in our conversations. I found myself taking in the scene and being completely fine with it. I felt happy and at peace it was only the first night and i was already wishing it would never end again. That’s when almost everyone of our group decided it was bedtime. “You coming too Y/N?” Madi asks me. I shared a quick look with Charlie before replying “Yeah, I eh, I’ll be right there.” Apparently Madi got the message loud and clear and wished us a goodnight before leaving with Sav and Jadah. Emma shared a kiss with Charlie before quickly following after the other girls. I hugged Owen, Jer and Sacha goodnight.

And then it was just me and Charlie. Suddenly I was not completely sure what to do.. so I just sat there just looking at the boy I very secretly liked. That’s when he scooted closer to me and just casually threw his arm around me before breaking the silence “I’m glad we still have our little late night moments together..” I felt myself relax at his touch and automatically just melt into him. “Yeah me too. I was actually feeling really selfish for wishing we still would have this..” I admit. “How is that selfish? We both agreed that last year the late nights were our favorite part.. Hoping that would happen again this year isn’t a bad thing Y/N.” “Yeah.. I don’t know. Now that Emma is in our group I thought she would be around a lot more and that would maybe mean the end for our late nights. But you know she’s your girlfriend so wishing for time alone with you felt wrong? You must be happy with the fact that she agreed to join our group though? ” “ yeah.. I get that.. and honestly it totally could have been that way. She can be a bit clingy and sometimes has some trust issues when it comes to me and spending time with others.. but yeah I’m happy to see she seems to be pretty chill and trusting this week. I hope she’ll open up more and really become friends with my friends you know. Would make it all a lot more fun for the both of us.“

“Well.. I guess, for us, maybe it helps that she thinks that I like Sacha.” I blurt out before even realizing it. I had become way too comfortable with telling this man everything.. “oh.. Do you?” I swear I heard a change of tone in his voice but that might have just been some diehard wishful thinking on my end.. “I.. I don’t know. I’ve only just met him Charles.” “I mean i get it, he’s a pretty cool guy. He’d be lucky to have you Nugget.” “Oh stop it. I really am not as brilliant as you still seem to think I am. ” “Eh. YES YOU ARE Y/N. and getting more and more brilliant every day actually.” “Well, that’s all on you then. Since you’re the only thing that has been in each and everyday over the past year.” He laughs. The sound of that fills my heart with even more love for him. “I’ll gladly take that credit. I’ll make sure to tell Sacha you’re only this awesome because of me.” “Ah yes greeeeat plan Gillespie! Maybe he’ll date you then.” I laugh. “Oof imagine the great music that would come out of it! But no. He’s all yours “Y/L/N.” Charlie and me joke around like that for a while before deciding it’s time for bed. When we arrive at my door Charlie pulls me in for a tight hug. “So good to finally not have to do this virtually.. Sweet dreams Nugget.” “Sweet dreams Charles.” He holds onto me a little longer just hugging me in silence before he lets go. “goodnight” he says and with a smile walks off to his own room. That smile was one day gonna be the death of me.. good thing the owner of that smile didn’t know that..

The next morning I woke up to the sound of my roommates chatting away. “Morning sleepyhead” I hear Madison say as I open my eyes. “Morningg” I groan which makes the other girls laugh. “It got that late already huh?” Savannah says teasingly. “You guys know me.. I don’t need a lot of sleep.” “uhu. Sureeee you don’t.” Sav says again. I just sigh as a response and get myself out of bed to get ready. As I get out of our room to freshen myself up I bump into Charlie who is standing in front of our door. As I’m about to say sorry he just wraps his arms around me ‘Good morning Nugget!” every bit of feeling dead and grumpy instantly disappears . I rest my head against his chest for a good second. “Good morning, Charlie.” Realizing the fact that the other girls may soon get out of our room I wiggle out of his grip and just smile at the always happy look on his face. “I was actually about to go freshen up, I’ll see you at breakfast okay?” “You look perfectly fine to me you know. But okay, I’ll save you a spot at the table.” “Thanks, Charlie” I smile at him before making my way to the bathroom.

Once I’m done the other girls are done as well and together we make our way to breakfast, and as promised Charlie saved us all a pot at the table. Emma sat down next to him giving him a quick good morning kiss. I find my old familiar spot across from Charlie and Sacha sits down next to me. “Morning Sacha!” I greet him. I instantly feel multiple eyes on the two of us. Pretending like I’m not noticing that but happy with the fact people are apparently believing that I like him, I continue my conversation with Sacha and soon enough the others join in.

Later that day we had some sports activities. It’s a very hot and sunny day so the minute the activity was over our group made it’s way to the shadow under some trees. Charlie was the first one to fall down into the grass and I was quick to follow. I don’t know what took over me but I decided to use him as a pillow. I sat down next to him only to slowly fall back and let my head rest on his stomach. Surprisingly no questions were being asked about this and no comments we’re being made.. Emma lies down on the other side of Charlie resting her head on his chest and Owen lies down next to me , using my stomach as a pillow causing me to giggle at the tickle of his hair. Before we knew it we we’re just one big pile of people using each other as a pillow.

We just chilled like that for a second not saying much. I felt every breath Charlie took under me and I noticed that was a weirdly calming thing to me, without even trying my breathing matched his. Never had I ever felt as at peace as in this moment so i couldn’t help but feel just the tiniest bit sad when we had to get up to freshen up before dinner. There really was no denying this man had an influence on everything I did, liked and felt. There was no denying that I liked and possibly even loved this boy. I was gonna have to be careful with my actions if I wanted to make sure no one else knew about that.

Later that night Emma came up to me "Hey Y/N? Can I talk to you for a second?" I feel myself getting nervous, what could this possibly be about? "Yes of course. What’s up Emma?" I follow her towards a quiet place on the campground. ‘I..I just wanted to talk to you..’ she sounds sad. I sit down next to her putting my arm around her shoulder “Are you okay Ems?” “Honestly I don’t know. I’ve been feeling insecure and Charlie is not making it any better at the moment. “ “oh.. I’m sorry. Do you know where the insecurity is coming from?” I say hoping to kind of avoid discussing Charlie with his girlfriend. “Well. I’ve always been a bit anxious and insecure.. I’ve been bullied a lot as a kid but even at home it was always about my brother and it’s like I almost don’t exist? Don’t get me wrong you’ve all been super nice. And I know you’re all Charlies friends and he hasn’t seen you all in a year and so obviously he’s gonna be excited to hang out with all of you but I guess I just feel a bit left behind?” I had no idea about the fact that Emma had somewhat of a same life story as me. I know what being bullied can do to a person.. “Wow. I’m sorry you had to go through that Ems.. and I get that, that all makes you insecure and anxious I’ve been struggling with that as well.. But this is a safe place, you don’t have to feel insecure or left behind. You’re always welcome to hang out with us. I’m sure Charlie wouldn’t mind either.” “Yeah you say that now, last year we got into a fight over me jumping into a conversation between you and him and during the last year we’ve gotten in a few more fights that come down to the same topic of me not wanting him to do something or me wanting to come along to something he’s doing..”

I wasn’t aware of the fact that there had been more fights between them.. Apparently Charlie had not been telling me everything, not that he was obligated to do so but I just thought he did? “Oh.. I did not know that.. sorry. But can I be honest with you Emma?” “No you couldn’t have it’s okay. and yes. Actually please do. “ I take a deep breath before speaking again “ Well.. I of course have not been there for all the fights.. I know of the one of last year cause Charlie told me about it. It wasn’t that he didn’t want you to join us. It’s the way you did it.. If you would have just joined us everything would have been fine. But I got the feeling you we’re trying to make very sure that I knew Charlie was taken.. and that’s what he didn’t like. I think ,and you can correct me if I’m wrong, maybe you’re scared of losing Charlie? If so, don't be.. I know Charlie really loves you. I think all he wants from you is trust that he will be faithful to you and maybe some space sometimes to do his own things. But I also know for a fact that he wants to spent time with you and he wants you to spent time with his friends so you can all hang out more.. Maybe just have a good conversation with him about where you’re coming from and what you would like and / or need from eachother?”

“yeah.. You may be right there. I know I was acting horrible last year, I just really thought you were on your way to steal Charlie from me.. Sorry about that. You and Charlie both did not deserve that.. I don’t know though.. I believe that he loves me and all but if you’d ask him to name a list of things he loves most in this world I’m pretty sure things like food and music would come first and then maybe at one point he’ll be like oh yes and Emma of course.” I can’t help but smile just a little at the amount of love this boy indeed has for food and music but quickly compose myself again. “ I’m not sure Em.. Sure he loves music and food and stuff he makes that very obvious. But from things he told me I know you’re so so important to him.. Just talk to him about all of this okay? You really gotta be honest about your feelings with him..” “Yeah.. Thanks Y/N. I appreciate you listening to me and actually giving me advice on all of this.” “ yeah no worries. Any time. “ I say while giving her a smile. We fall silent for a second and I stand up holding my hand out to her “ So are you ready to get back to the others?” She nods and takes my hand. We make our way towards our group and once we get close I share a quick look with Charlie, a look that tells me he wonders if everything is okay. I just give him a reassuring smile and the smile I get in return is the end of that small silent conversation. After playing some fun and very competitive boardgames with our entire group, it in the end is just me and Charlie again.

We end up finding a quiet spot in the middle of a field and just like earlier that day he lies down in the grass and I lie down next to him with my head resting on his stomach, one of his hands now reaching up to softly play with my hair. We just lie there in silence for a while looking up at the stars admiring the beauty of it all, and in my case very much enjoying this warm and fuzzy feeling this boy was giving me right now. I feel Charlie taking a deep breath underneath me before he breaks the peaceful silence “Soo.. was everything okay? That conversation with Emma I mean..” I take a second to consider my options, should I tell him? It doesn’t feel right to hide something from him but at the same time it is not my place at all to talk about Emma’s feelings.. I decide on keeping our conversation private.. “Yeah. No eh she just needed to get a few things of her chest. Don’t worry about it. It was nice getting to know her a bit better actually. She even apologized for last year..” “She did? I’m really glad to see you two getting along.. I’m happy she found someone in you she can open up to. I sometimes feels like even I can’t be that person for her..” I sigh. “I’m sure that’s not true Charlie.. at the very least I know she wants you to be that person. And for what it’s worth.. You are that person to me..” Not my very best line when it comes to hiding how I feel but this boy needed to know it wasn’t his fault at all. I can feel him let out a small silent laugh. “For what it’s worth? Really nugget? You do know that hearing that means a lot to me right?” “Does it? I mean you’re just so easy to talk to, and you’re always so nice and understanding. I would quite literally trust you with my life, Gillespie.” “Well for what it’s worth Y/L/N, I trust you with mine as well.” I can’t help but smile at that.

“Hey Charlie, can I ask you something?” I say softly, not being mad about it if he wouldn’t hear it. but he does.. “Yeah, anything. You know that..” he says still playing around with my hair. “Why didn’t you tell me about the whole Emma coming to camp and being in our group thing? Not that you had to! I’m just curious?” He’s silent for a while.. “Charlie..?” “Honestly? I guess.. Seeing how things we’re last year, I maybe was afraid you wouldn’t come if you knew?” he says and I let out a little laugh. “It was not that bad Charles.. She just didn’t like me very much.. But that did not bother me enough to not come here.. I’ve missed all of you too much over the past year..” “I missed you too much” I barely even whisper. “Good. cause I really need you here. “ I could not deny that hearing that made the butterflies in my stomach go crazy. He needed me? I reach up with my hand to grab his free hand and give it a light squeeze. “Well, I’m not going anywhere. You’re not getting rid of me that easily. Although maybe I should be going to sleep..” as I’m about to get up and let go of his hand he grabs mine tightly and pulls me back down “Naaah-aah. You can stay here a little longer.” He says teasingly.

“You really think you’re teasing me by doing that? Gonna have to try harder than that Gillespie. “ I laugh. “Is that a dare? Cause I will. But in this case no. I’m not teasing. I Just would like us to stay up a little longer.” I lay my head back down on his stomach and he instantly finds his way back to my hair. “Fine then. I’ll stay. And yes, maybe that was a dare..” He starts to laugh as soon I said that. “What?” I ask him. “You have no clue what you’re getting yourself into Nugget. I’ll have you know that annoying someone and teasing them is actually one of my talents.” “uhhu. Right. I think you’ll soon learn that I’m not THAT easy to annoy.” “Oh it’s so on now.” “Bring it, Gillespie.” We just lay there a little while longer talking and teasing each other. My head never leaving his stomach and his hand never leaving my hair. Until Charlie notices I’m getting more and more silent.

“Really Y/N? You’re falling asleep on me? You could have just told me that I was boring you , you know. “NO THAT’S NOT…” “HA! See. Already got you there.” He laughs. “You’re the actual worst Char.. but no. I was actually just very comfortable and that made me sleepy. You make quite a good pillow you know.” “Well thank you Y/N.. I trained long and hard for that. We’re gonna have to get you to bed now though." he starts to sit up causing my head to slide towards his lap but I don’t plan on moving any time soon. When he’s fully sat up he just looks at me and my head that’s now in his lap. “Come on nugget. Time to go!” “Naaah-aah. We can stay here a little longer.” I smile up at him mimicking his words from before.

“Are you sure about that?” He leans forward a bit his face now sort of hovering above mine with a suspicious smile spread on it, and I feel a slight panic grow in me. What is he doing? What is he thinking? When I don’t move but also don’t say a word he continues. “Well alright then..” and that’s when he starts to tickle me making me laugh uncontrollably and as soon as I get the chance it roll away from him. “Fine. You win, we’ll go to bed” I say while getting up, offering him my hand to help him up as well. He takes it and I pull him up. “Good decision nugget. Good decision” he says teasingly and I playfully hit his arm “Oh shut up Charles..” when I’m in bed my brain is racing. What was happening between me and Charlie? I mean we were just friends obviously.. but I couldn’t deny that we were in someway getting a whole lot closer? And why did it feel like I was in the middle of the relationship between Emma and Charlie? I was gonna have to figure out a way to get out of that position.. and I was gonna have to try a whole lot harder when it comes to hiding my feelings for Charlie as well. I basically told him he’s my person and I like laying on top of him? COULD I BE ANYMORE OBVIOUS? My mind keeps running like that for a while before I get, 3 hours of sleep at most.

The next morning I am the last to join everyone at the breakfast table, somewhat surprised to see my spot across from Charlie is saved for me. “Good morning” I greet everyone feeling more dead than alive. A bunch of happy and cheerful good mornings are being thrown my way while I sit down. I can hear everyone talking but what they’re saying isn’t even really getting through to me that’s how tired I am. At this point I’m just staring in the distance trying to stay awake. That is until I literally get slapped back to reality by Charlie. I just look at him, mouth wide open in pure shock. Not that it was hard or painful but I never expected him to do that.. “WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!” He just laughs, which normally would make me feel all better but in this case made me more annoyed which apparently was showing cause the laughing stopped. “So you are alive! Had to make sure since we were talking to you and you were not responding to a single word we said. ” “I’m Sorry..” he adds after noticing the fact my facial expression has not changed one bit. I relax my face even though I’m still shocked by the fact that he did that. “It’s okay. Sorry guys I just really have not slept the best last night.. But I’m here now, what we’re we talking about?” Glad no one asks me about why I had a bad night we just fall right back into the conversation they we’re having beforehand.

The rest of the day was, lucky for me, pretty easy-going we were just chilling in the sun and Charlie and Sacha had both gotten their guitars out and we were all singing songs together. I could not stop myself from thinking that the whole guitar playing thing somehow made Charlie even more attractive. Sacha wasn’t bad either though.. maybe I just had a thing for guitar players? That’s until out singing gets interupted by Charlie’s phone ringing, he gets up and walks away from us before picking up. When he gets back though I can tell something is wrong.. my thoughts being confirmed by Charlie who picks up his guitar and gives us a quick “excuse me for a sec..” before storming off..

Continue reading in Part 5 :)

[rianzodiac]

A thank you to the signs

[thank you for all being so freaking legendary]

Aries

Aries, yous are some of the most head strong people alive, but that is you strength and why you are so admirable. Aries make the change in the world. You are assertive in your beliefs and you may not always be right, but you will always, without fail, fight for what you think is right which is what makes you truly heroic. Your charismatic personality makes you likeable and your excitable, carefree character is contagious ensuring that people always feel great around you. Your ambition and drive is heartwarming, never stop trying, the world will surely end when yous Aries give up.

Taurus

Yous are truly the fuzzy blankets of astrology: soft, comforting, reliable and everyone should have one in their lives! You guys are the warm hugs we all need when life gets tough. You are genuine and are not afraid to tell us how it is, but you won’t be mean about it, you’ll tell us what we need to hear and still be there to mop up our tears after. You are the definition of a loyal friend; you will be by our sides even as we walk through hell, just so we can fight the demons together. I would like to say a thank you to the sign we all need to hug back every once in a while.

Gemini

Geminis, yous are the life of the party, the popular, witty, outgoing icons we all love - and for good reason. Your electric personalities are enticing and addictive, you draw countless people in but your real power lies in making them stay. As soon as people have you as a friend, they hold on and never let go. You are the ray of sunshine we all need on our darkest days. You know that you may not be able to solve all of our problems and so you resort to the next best thing - distracting us and reminding us that life is for living. You reignite the love and happiness many lose in their hearts through your humour and joy of making others laugh. But there’s another, more hidden side to you, you are smart and curious of the world around you. You never stop wondering about the places and people that surround which is why you lead such stimulating conversations. Never stop educating us and making us happy, we needs you more than we ever let on.

Cancer

Not everyone can be so in touch with their emotions, only the brave have the power to do that and you manage to do it with such grace and beauty. Never let them tell you that you’re too dramatic, showing emotion is the bravest thing many of us are too scared to do. Your openness with your emotions fools many into believing you are weak, but never will they make that mistake again as you are one of the most fiercely loyal and protective friends with the kindest hearts. You know what it’s like to be hurt and never want others to suffer that way. Your experience with emotions enables you to pick up on others; trust your intuition, it serves you reliably. And along with your humble and optimistic attitude to life, you make some of the most loving people to ever walk the earth.

Leo

Leo’s are the ones you notice as soon as they walk in a room, your liveliness and contagious high energy is a huge reason so many love you and crave your vibe. Never underestimate your influence as you have the ability to change the atmosphere of a room just with your presence. Your passion for what you love is admirable and your bravery when facing the world makes you one of the most inspiring signs of whom we could all learn a lesson from. They say you’re confident and you have every right to be, stay strong our powerful little lions.

Virgo

Virgos, you strive for an excellence that many never thought possible. Your complete faith in what can be accomplished enables you to emerge victorious in anything you set your mind to. Your work ethic is motivational, whenever you do something, you fully commit to it which is why the rest of us know we can always rely on you. Your organisational skill are enviable and that’s why you’re probably known as the parent of the group, you are on point at planning group days out. Your forward thinking is why many of the gestures you make, even if you don’t think they are, are incredibly thoughtful and appreciated more than you will ever know. So thank you Virgos because without you, we’d never get anything done and our lives would be filled with a lot less surprises.

Libra

Libras, yous are the sign that can get along with anyone. Your adverse reaction to conflict is perhaps what makes you so lovable and why everyone enjoys to be around you. You’re always tactful and diplomatic which highlights your immense strength as not everyone can contain themselves as well as you, especially when faced with tension. You are the sign that is a friend to all and makes sure no one is left alone. Never mistake your easy going and peaceful manner for being submissive for your ability to thrive with all is what makes your character so powerful. You play such a vital role in the world, you are the glue that holds so many relationships, families and friendships together, and don’t you forget it. We all turn to you when we need a friend we can trust so thanks for being there.

Scorpio

Hello the fearless warriors of the zodiac. The absolute determination and perseverance you have when approaching anything and everything is a testament to your power as you really can do anything you set your mind to. You’re clever and that gives you the skill set to complete any goal and challenges that come your way. You come off as mysterious, use that to your advantage, everyone loves a good mystery. Just as you are powerful and strong, you are also selfless and caring, you always seem to put others before you. Your life is full of altruistic acts, and as much as we always admit it sometimes, we love you for it.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius, you are the spark that never dulls. You teach us all to approach life with a true ‘go get it’ attitude and you will never lead a boring life because of it. Your wild but friendly nature makes you so much fun to be around. You are the friends to take us out on a late night expedition to the beach just for the fun of it. Your truthfulness is also greatly appreciated and your judgment is trusted fully. You are the friends who push us out of our comfort zone and change us and make us great. Thank you Sagittarius’ for being the best, most fun and courageous and wild, version of ourselves.

Capricorn

Capricorn’s are the workers. You are the people who have already or will achieve greatness in the world. You’re ambitious which allows you to set high goals for yourself and that, mixed with your discipline, often sees these plans set into motion. The practical side of you knows your capabilities and what is possible which makes you an effective leader as you have found the perfect balance of promoting hard work but whilst not overwhelming others with pressure; that along with your charismatic way with people makes you rather persuasive, you hold more influence that you believe. You do tend to place high standards for yourself to live up to, but you needn’t, your hard working and diligent nature enables you to achieve success because of who you are. Maybe you don’t realise how extraordinary you are - you are capable of completing tremendous feats, we see it everyday, it’s time you did too.

Aquarius

You’re the people that get people thinking. Whether it be your new look, your new view on a topic or your interactions with others - people will be left with you on their mind for a while. Your courage to be who you really are in a world that isn’t always accepting is admirable. You remind us that we should never have to live up to anyone’s expectations but our own. Your mind works both creatively but also analytically which means anything you create has a deeper meaning and any solution you have come up with is innovative and ‘out of the box’. Though typically considered ‘lone wolves’, you serve people with the purest spirit and care about mankind more than we deserve. Thanks for being the hand to pull us up.

Pisces

Pisces. You remind the world what it is to dream, to create, to love without expectation or applause or recognition. You teach us to express our truest self in a world where that can be frowned upon. You’re wise beyond your years and seem to be born with knowledge of people. Your compassion to everyone you meet reflects your pure, selfless spirit. Your gentle nature reminds everyone that it’s okay to be soft every once in a while but the utter bravery embedded in everything you do inspires us to be tough also. Pisces, you sometimes are a walking contradiction, but of the best sort, you are the soft fur of the wolf but also the forbidding warning of the teeth. Pisces, you teach the world that’s it’s okay not to know entirely who you are, but to express who you feel you are, so please Pisces continue to create, to inspire, to live for us all to follow in your footsteps.