#genuinely feeling burned out and tired on the emotional level

[kupferwasser]

I thought I will treat myself to a nice relaxing evening of painting and listening to some music, but universe decided it wasn't done with events.

I'm just... It's been a month (the last two years actually, but uuugh, forget about it) and I just want to have one calm evening without constant doom-scrolling or calling relatives and being extremely sad and miserable.

[starlightandsouls]

Yours to Save, Yours to Guard

Part 2 of Yours to Have, Yours to Break

Summary: Azriel and Reader pick up the pieces of Cassian's mistake.

Warnings: angst (?), severe panic attack

A/N: it's finally here guys. I actually loved how this one turned out, filled to the brim with lots of angst and emotions that is typical of my work. I feel like last time I rushed the first part so it wasn't as impactful. Anywaysss, I hope you guys like this as much as I do, and please leave a comment telling me what you think. My motivation levels are lowwww rn and your comments always make my day!

Azriel POV

Agony tore through his heart like a viper striking its prey. Its poison seeping through his veins and making an act as simple as breathing seem laborious. How did everything collapse so quickly? How could he let it slip away from him so easily? His love… his nightingale was gone.

After somewhat coming to his senses, he had winnowed straight to his nightingale’s house, knowing that was where she would return. Just like him, she liked being alone when faced with the hurdles life threw at her. Just two sides of the same accursed coin. And that was where he found her; her room in a mess, belongings sprawled everywhere, and his nightingale sitting in the middle of it all, heaving with sobs. He had frozen at the sight, his wretched heart breaking even more. But the sound of her never ending tears had broken him out of his stupor.

Azriel immediately fell to his knees before and tried to grab her hands as he pleaded,

“My love, please, listen to me-”

He hadn’t had the chance to finish his sentenced before you wrenched your hands away from his, as if his very touch burned you. The thought of that pierced through his very being.

“Don’t touch me, you… You fucking cheat!” You roared. To say he was shocked would be an understatement; his nightingale never yelled at anyone, no matter how upset she was. He didn’t even know you were capable of such fury, let alone releasing it at him. You had gotten up from your place at the foot of your bed and had moved away from him to another corner of the room. Pointless as he followed you right away.

“It’s not what it looked like, will you please listen to me?”

“Really, Azriel? Could you sound any more typical right now? You know, if you had the guts to have an affair, you should have at least come up with a better excuse when you were with her,” you spat at him. The hatred burning bright in your eyes made him want to fall to his knees before you. But he knew he had to explain…he had to tell you what happened. This was his one chance, otherwise he’d lose you forever.

“I didn’t! I would never! I swear on my life, I have no idea why Elain was there, or why she did what she did. I had no part of it, I swear to you. Please just think about it. If I wanted to be with her, why would I have made plans with you? To celebrate our anniversary no less?” he pleaded.

“Oh I don’t know, maybe you got tired of me, hm? Why mess around with some ‘commoner’ when you can have the High Lady’s sister?”

What? Where were you getting all this from? Why were you thinking like this? You weren’t like this and neither was he…and you…you knew that.

“Love…please,” Azriel begged as he moved closer trying to reach for your hands. Yet again you evaded him and moved away to another corner. It was as if the two were dancing a dance of push and pull, one always out of reach of the other. You turned around and just…looked at him.

“You know, when she came to me, and with everything she said…I didn’t believe her. Even when every part of my being was begging me to, I thought…my Azriel wouldn’t do that to me. He loves me, not her. Why couldn’t you keep my trust Azriel? Why did you shatter it like this?”

“Told you what? Love, please, if you don’t want to listen to me at least tell me what Elain said to you. So that I can prove to you that it is a lie.” Azriel was genuinely at a loss for words. As the situation progressed, he became more and more confused.

“She came to the bookshop before I left, Elain. At first I thought she was a customer, but no…she was there to steal something else altogether. And imagine how shocked I was when she told me that you have been having an affair with her for the past year. That the only reason the two of you kept it a secret was because of the High Lord. And now that he approves of your relationship, the two of you don’t have to hide anymore. Which is why you were going to break up with me today.”

Azriel fell quiet at that and stared at you for a good five minutes trying to process the words that just came out of your mouth. The sheer insanity of it only worsened his addled mind.

“Darling, that is…she’s lying. How can you believe her? Why would you believe her? What proof did she give you? Why would you trust some stranger over.. me?” Azriel demanded, his own anger rising. He was the innocent one here yet no one seemed to want to listen to him.

“Is it not the truth then?”

“NO!”

It was a battle of wills now. Both of you were simmering with fury right now- you with your rage at being betrayed and Azriel with his frustration at being ignored. Two sides of the same coin indeed.

Knowing he had to be the one to surrender, that be had to placate you if he wanted this relationship to survive, Azriel softened. He extinguished the rage that was threatening to burn their love to the ground and walked closer to you again. He reached for your hands to offer yet another apology, an explanation…anything to get you to show mercy.

But you snatched your hand back with such…disgust, as if his touch had burned you.

“Get your filthy hands off me, you fucking cheat!” you screamed, “don’t touch me!”

Azriel immediately let go of you. A thousand ash arrows could have pierced him on the battlefield and they would have hurt him less than the utter hate and disgust marring your usually soft features.

“Love…” A final plead, a final beg…the last thread holding them together. One last try of reaching out from the darkness he was drowning in.

“I said DON’T TOUCH ME! They were all right about you…you…you’re just another Illyrian brute who uses women as he pleases. I was a fool to think you were different, that you…you loved me.” All the hate had vanished in an instant from your face, replaced by something worse. In its place was a crestfallen defeat, the ravaging fire of fury replaced with silver tears now streaming down your face.

And it was the sight of your tears that told Azriel it was all lost… he had lost. He had sworn an oath once, to you, to himself, that he would never cause you an ounce of heartbreak.

The memory seemed bittersweet now. You had been crying because of some novel that you were reading as a hero had died tragically at the end. In his attempts to cheer you up he had remarked how this made him better than the heroes of novels that you always fawned over, for he never made you cry.

“Sure of ourselves are we?” you had asked with a smirk, your amusement returning to your gaze.

Mission accomplished, he had thought to himself.

“Of course, I never hurt you so there is no reason for you to cry,” he had answered.

“So do you promise then, Shadowsinger, that you will never make me cry?” you had jested.

“I swear on it my nightingale. I will never make you cry, I promise.”

It looked like you were thinking of the same memory, that now seemed almost a millennia ago. Had they been that happy? Was that what their life had been like? Happiness now seemed like a foreign country, whose borders had no room for immigrants like him.

“I’m sorry,” was all he said before he winnowed away to his house in Velaris. Before shadows engulfed him completely, he could have sworn he saw you crumble to the ground.

…………………………………………...............................................

His lounge came into view, exactly as he had left it. But everything seemed strange, foreign. As he stood in the absolute silence of his house, the reality of what had happened settled in on him. He stumbled to the couch, his vision blurring slightly, making the journey troublesome.

Azriel’s heart pounded like a drum in his chest, each beat a painful reminder of the emptiness that now filled his house. The room spun around him, the walls closing in as if trying to crush him under the weight of his despair. He sank to the floor, his back against the couch where he and his nightingale had once spent countless evenings tangled together, laughing, and whispering secrets.

“She’s gone,” he gasped, his voice barely a whisper. His breaths came in shallow, ragged gasps, and he felt like he was suffocating. He clutched his chest, the pressure unbearable. His mind raced with images of you just moments ago; you looking at him with such disgust, you wrenching your hands away from his, your tears streaming down your grief stricken face.

“No, no, no,” he muttered, rocking back and forth. “This can’t be happening. She can’t be gone. My nightingale can’t be gone.”

His vision blurred with tears, and he could barely see the room around him. Everything felt surreal, like a nightmare he couldn’t wake up from. His fingers dug into the carpet, seeking some grounding, some way to make the pain stop. But nothing helped. The anguish was too deep, too consuming. How could this happen? How had he let this happen? His nightingale was the one gift he had stolen from the Mother. The one happiness he had gotten in this miserable life. It… It wasn’t fair. He always gave up every thing, he did everything for everyone…so why wasn’t he allowed this one happiness? Why did the Mother hate him so much to dangle this beautiful fate in front of him all these years only to snatch it away? Which one of his sins was he being punished for?

Memories of their time together flashed through his mind. Your smile, the way you looked at him with those eyes full of love, the sound of your laughter that always made his heart soar. And now, it was all gone. You were gone. The realization hit him like a sledgehammer, and he doubled over, choking on sobs.

“I need you,” he cried out, his voice breaking. “Please, come back. I can’t do this without you.”

But the silence was his only answer. The home that had once been their sanctuary now felt like a tomb, cold and empty. He tried to stand, but his legs wouldn’t support him. He fell to his knees, his body shaking with the force of his sobs.

“Why did you leave?” he wailed, his voice echoing off the walls. “Why?”

His breath came in shallow gasps, each one a struggle. He felt lightheaded, his vision tunneling. He pressed a hand to his chest, trying to calm himself, but the panic was relentless. It clawed at him, tearing him apart from the inside.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, tears streaming down his face. “I’m so sorry.”

But you weren’t there to hear him. You were gone, and he was alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. He was alone again, like he had always been, like he had always meant to be. The realization tore through him, a fresh wave of agony that left him breathless. He curled into a ball on the floor, his body wracked with sobs, and let the darkness close in.

…………………………………........................................................

Cassian POV:

He had stayed in the training arena long after his brother had left, trying to come up with a possible explanation. Azriel didn’t blow up like that… ever. No matter what trial or pain they were going through, his brother was the one who grounded them all; always a calm, stoic presence. For him to react this way, he knew something major had to have happened. But what?

Cassian knew this mystery could only be solved by the culprit behind it, and his brother had conveniently provided him with a name: Elain.

Immediately he set off to find the particular Archeron sister that had apparently caused his brother so much woe. Knowing Elain, she was in one of two places: the kitchens or the gardens. And the latter seemed to be her choice of the day as that is where he found her; pruning away at some roses, humming a tune, as if she hadn’t… done whatever it is that she had done, but Cassian knew it had to be horrible.

Azriel may be Spymaster, but centuries as General had taught him to read people in an instant, and Elain Archeron despite all her self perceived slyness and schemes, was an open book. He noticed how she stiffened as he approached, how her stabs at the soil got much swifter, he noticed the panic on her face that she tried but failed to school into nonchalance.

“Elain,” he greeted plainly, wanting her to slowly succumb to her panic before he asked her anything.

“Cassian, strange seeing you here. Nesta’s not here if that’s who you are looking for.”

“No, actually, I was looking for you. You haven’t happen to have seen Azriel today have you?” he inquired.

“Az? No…no I haven’t seen him for quite some time actually,” she answered but that one second look of panic, of fear, gave her away. It cemented her as the culprit behind whatever crime she had committed against his brother. Elain then proceeded to grab some flowers she had plucked, put them in a basket, and attempted to walk past him. But he blocked her path and glared right back at her,

“Elain, what the hell did you do?” he demanded, emphasizing every single word.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” again she tried to maneuver past him but he didn’t budge an inch.

“Elain,” he growled, “you’re going to tell me what you did. Right. The. Fuck. Now.”

And that was when she crumbled. She broke down- crocodile tears if you ask him- and recalled every single thing she had done: from eavesdropping his conversation with Nesta, to asking around about the girl Azriel was with by using her name, visiting her bookshop, then ambushing Azriel at the café. At the end of it, Cassian was speechless. He looked at the woman in front of him and saw a stranger. Elain, sweet Elain, always assumed by everyone to be innocent and kind. The crime she had committed twisted her features into something ugly and heinous- mirroring her vile heart.

“How could you?”

“Cauldron! Why doesn’t anyone understand me? I love him!! And he was messing around with that…that bitch. I deserve him, not her!” Elain screamed, a wildness overtaking her expression.

“You do not deserve anything, Elain. You can’t force someone to love you. And you don’t hurt the people you love. What did you think was going to happen, huh? That you would break up Azriel’s relationship, his very happy relationship, and he would what? Run happily to you? Are you honestly that delusional?!” Cassian roared back.

“It doesn’t matter. I wanted him first. What right does she have to just waltz in and steal him from me?”

“She didn’t steal anyone, Elain. Azriel was never yours-”

“Well then at least he’s not hers anymore now either. If I can’t have him, no one can,” she said coolly as if she had told some joke. The calmness with which she said it took out all the fight from his body.

“You’re pathetic,” he whispered. And with that he made to leave.

“Wait, where are you going?” she called after him.

“To find my brother. Rhysand will deal with you.”

What Elain had done was unforgivable; intentionally breaking up his dear brother’s relationship like that, ambushing him with a kiss against his will…was no less than assault. And Cassian had a sinking feeling Rhysand would have a lot to say to the middle Archeron sister.

……………………………………………………………….....................

Flying to the River House, he barged in to find Rhysand. Azriel’s reaction to everything made it clear that the situation was more serious than he had anticipated. He also knew that he needed Rhysand to intervene and help come to solution since Azriel would not listen to a word Cassian said. What the hell. The cat was already out of the bag, he might as well tell Rhys too, just so he can help Cassian clean up this mess.

Thankfully, Feyre was not home. He really didn’t want to tell his High Lady about her own sister’s crimes- he would much rather leave that conversation to Rhys. Speaking of, he found the High Lord in his study going over reports. His brother gave a warm smile as he saw Cassian walk in but his face fell at his expression.

“What’s happened?”

Cassian sighed and recounted the whole debacle, starting from when he first saw Azriel and his girlfriend at the café to his recent conversation with Elain. To say his brother was seething by the end would be an understatement. One thing about Rhys was that he is insanely protective of his family and while Elain might be his sister in law, the three of them had been at each other’s side for five centuries- it was no mystery of who was given priority.

And what Elain had done… His brother never spoke of it but he knew Rhysand was still haunted by his time Under the Mountain, by Amarantha. Even more than before his brother had always been the one to enforce the importance of consent, in every aspect of life, not just intimacy. For Elain to so blatantly ignore his brother’s refusal must have struck a chord with Rhys. The High Lord was now pacing in his office, almost shaking with anger.

“Where is she now?” the High Lord demanded.

Knowing he must be talking about Elain, he answered, “She’s at the House of Wind.”

“Cauldron, I just want to… never mind we’ll deal with her later. Where’s Az?”

“I have no idea. He winnowed away from the training arena and I haven’t seen him since. He wasn’t in his room at the House of Wind, and he’s not here either,” Cassian explained.

“He must be at his own place then. Let’s go.”

“Me? Shouldn’t you go on your own? He seemed really pissed off, Rhysand. Maybe you should go on your own, I don’t want to make anything worse,” Cassian said hesitantly.

“Don’t be a fool, Cass. What’s happened has happened. We can’t change it. But we can make Azriel hear us out right now. Let’s go.”

With that the two brothers winnowed away in search of their third, terrified of what they might find.

……………………………………..................................................

Arriving at Azriel’s place they were met with darkness and a pungent stench of alcohol. Walking further into the house, they found Azriel passed out on his couch, the coffee table littered with empty bottles of vodka. Shit. Shit. Shit. Azriel had only confronted Cassian in the training arena this morning. Just how much had he drank since then in this short period of time. Turning to Rhysand, he saw similar horror in his eyes. Azriel never drank like this. It was usually Cassian who blacked out drunk on nights out, Azriel-ever the vigilant Spymaster- would always remain sober enough to keep track of his surroundings.

Rhysand walked over and gently shook Azriel awake, emitting several groans from the passed out male.

“Az, wake up brother,” Rhysand prodded him gently.

Azriel only let out another groan in response and covered his eyes with his arm, burrowing in further into the couch.

“C’mon none of that,” Rhysand said, pushing him again. Eventually, Rhysand managed to get Azriel up and sitting on the couch. The sway to his body and his unfocused eyes confirmed what they were already suspecting: Azriel was very, very drunk.

Out of nowhere, Azriel made to get up but his intoxication was clearly affecting his motor skills as he stumbled and would have face planted on the floor but luckily Rhysand caught him in his arms.

“Easy there brother…”

“I’m fine,” Azriel grumbled before pushing off of Rhys. His slurred words telling that he was very much not fine. Azriel then made to walk to the kitchen when his eyes landed on him. Cassian steeled himself, readying himself for another onslaught of Azriel’s accusations, knowing full well he deserved them. Honestly he would have preferred the yelling. Because Azriel said… nothing. The utter defeat in his brother’s eyes made Cassian want to die almost. Azriel only pushed past Cassian to the kitchen, not even sparing him another glance.

The two of them assumed perhaps Azriel was getting a glass of water but were immediately proven wrong when they saw him rummaging through cabinets and pulling out yet another bottle of vodka.

“Hey now, none of that. You’ve had enough Azriel,” Rhysand exclaimed, the authority in his voice urging Az to listen.

“Yeah, I’ve just about had enough with all this,” Azriel said with a wry laugh, still stumbling where he stood when he took another sip of the bottle. The bastard was going to give himself alcohol poisoning at this rate if he didn’t slow down. Not being able to watch any longer, Cassian rushed forward to grab the bottle from his brother’s hands only to be pushed right back,

“Don’t fucking touch me. This is… it’s all your fault,” Azriel barked.

“Okay so we’re talking now, good,” Rhysand said all of a sudden. Azriel laughed a dry laugh,

“I have nothing to say to anyone, get the hell out.”

“Az, we know you’re upset” Rhysand started but was interrupted by Azriel,

“Upset doesn’t even begin to describe what I’m feeling right now, Rhysand. So why don’t you take your fake sympathy and pity and shove it up your ass.”

With that Azriel pushed past the two of them and moved towards his room. Cassian followed, knowing he had to get through to Az right now if they wanted any chance to fix this mess.

“Azriel listen to me-” Cassian started, pushing past the door when Azriel tried to slam it in his face, “No you’re going to listen whether you like it or not. Yes, I knew about your girlfriend. I saw the two of you at the café by the Sidra because I’d been out to get some things for Nesta and the girls. Yes, I was upset and hurt that you didn’t tell me, especially after I found out that you had been courting her for two years. And yes I told Nesta, which I realize was a mistake as well. It was not my place to tell her. But I was only discussing it with my mate because I was upset about it. And she swore not to tell anyone either. I… I didn’t tell Elain. She was eavesdropping our conversation from our bedroom door and she asked around about you girlfriend through her name. I didn’t tell her Az, let alone send her there. I… I would never ruin your happiness like that, brother.”

Cassian was panting at the end of his rant, out of breath from all the emotions he had let out, but he knew he had to get through to Azriel right now. Or else this misunderstanding would only get worse. Rhysand now stood behind him, ready to jump in between his two brothers in case he needed to.

Azriel only stared back at him as a single tear made its way down his face,

“It doesn’t matter… none of it matters. My nightingale.. she’s gone. She left. She left me and I can’t… I can’t breathe… I can’t…”

Cassian saw the sudden shift in his brother; how Azriel’s panicked gaze flitted across the room quicker than his shadows, how he began to grab at his chest, his neck. Immediately Cassian moved to his brother,

“Hey, Az. Just breathe okay. You’re alright, “ Cassian tried comforting his brother, wanting to ground him before he spiraled into a full on panic attack. He put Azriel’s hand on his own chest, trying to get Az to match his breathing.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. You’re okay, you’re safe,” Cassian repeated the mantra he had uttered a thousand times to his brother. Despite his stoic attitude, out of all of them, Azriel had always been more prone to panic attacks, had been since childhood. Perhaps it was his silent, secretive nature, Azriel always kept his issues to himself, never voicing them to anyone or complaining. Maybe bottling up everything in such a way was what caused his brother to collapse from time to time. There’s only so much a person can take, even if they are as strong as his brother.

Eventually Azriel’s breaths calmed and he crumbled in Cassian’s arms. Slowly the two fell to the floor and Azriel… just cried. Cassian looked at Rhysand who had a similarly shocked expression. They had never, ever seen Azriel break down like this. Cassian was at a loss for words, and it must have seemed like it too, because Rhys walked over and kneeled by them too.

“Hey, it’s going to be alright, Az. I know all seems lost right now but we’ll fix this. I swear it,” Rhys comforted.

“You can’t… fix anything,” Azriel let out amidst his sobs, “she’s gone, she doesn’t even want to see me.”

As Azriel’s sobs got more violent, the two brothers became more and more concerned. None of their attempts to calm him down were working and at this rate they were worried he might as well spiral into another panic attack. .

“Why does this always happen to me? I do everything for everyone… I always give up everything. Why can’t I have this one thing? Why can’t anyone love me? Why does everyone always leave?” Azriel lamented, hiccupping because of the tears.

To say Cassian’s heart broke in that moment would be an understatement. It was then that he swore to the Mother that he would fix this for his brother, even if he had to give up everything he had for it.

…............................................................................................

Cassian had left Azriel with Rhysand after he had pried your name and whereabouts from Azriel. It had been difficult with Az not even wanting to mention your name but eventually he had succumbed to Cassian’s persistence. He was ashamed to admit that he had used his brother’s still drunken state to pry information out of him but whatever. It was for a good cause.

Now he was standing outside your door. He had first visited The Quill- a bookshop he now knew you owned, Nesta would be delighted- but unfortunately it was closed for the day. Knocking he waited for a response but got none. Not knowing what else to do, he knocked again. Azriel hadn’t mentioned another location, if you weren’t here Cassian didn’t know what he would do.

He was about to knock again when a muffled voice called out,

“I’m coming!”

So you were home. Great. As Cassian was preparing what to say the door opened and… shit. There you were, looking just as bad as Azriel; swollen eyes, puffy face, red nose. All indicators of a long crying session. Cassian wanted to kick himself: just how many people had he hurt with his hot headedness.

“Yes? Can I help you?”

It was at your question that Cassian realized that he had been gawking at you, which instantly snapped him out of his stupor.

“Yes, sorry about that. I was hoping we could talk for a moment. I’m Cassian, Azriel’s brother?”

He hoped that Az had at least mentioned him to you otherwise this was going to be a very difficult conversation. However, your face fell as he mentioned Azriel’s name-shit- and you began to close the door in his face as you said,

“I have nothing to say to you. Goodbye.”

And you had almost slammed the door in Cassian’s face but he wrenched his feet in between the door,

“Look I’m sorry. I know you’re angry and hurt and you have every right to be but please… please listen to me. I won’t take long, just a moment… Please.”

Internally Cassian begged every deity out there to bless you with some mercy, some understanding. And despite recent events proving otherwise, it seemed just this once fate was on his side as you opened the door to let him in and took him to your drawing room. Crossing your arms in front you, you stared back at him with a fiery gaze, daring him to say whatever it is he wanted to say. Feisty. He was beginning to see why his brother liked you.

“If Azriel has sent you here to offer some made up apologies, I would recommend you save your time and leave,” you said before Cassian could get anything out.

“No, not an apology, an explanation.”

You scoffed and started to move away but Cassian continued before you could leave,

“Look whatever happened that day in the café, it wasn’t Azriel’s fault. It was…mine.”

He could see how your ears piqued up at that as you turned to him with inquisitive eyes. He had your attention then… good. So Cassian began again and told his tale, explaining Elain overhearing his conversation with Nesta, her vile schemes and also her long held affections for his brother. But he made it a point to reiterate how his brother had never returned those affections and that it was only after Cassian found out about you that he understood why- because his heart already belonged to another, to you.

“So please, if you want to take out your anger on anyone, take it out on me, take it out on Elain, but please do not punish my brother. He has no fault in all of this, and he can’t live without you. I know that now.”

Cassian had left after that, knowing you needed some time to process everything. He only hoped that he had done enough for his brother, and that the two lovers could find their way back to each other again.

...........................................................................................

Having cleared the misunderstanding between the two lovers, Cassian and Rhysand’s attentions had turned to the culprit: Elain. Rhys’s fury had returned full force when he was face to face with her. As he had raged and yelled, at one point Cassian thought Rhysand might end up killing Elain altogether- Azriel’s breakdown only acting as fuel to the fire. Seeing Azriel cry as he did had sparked a violent need for revenge in the two brothers.

In the end, Elain had survived- Cassian suspected probably because of Feyre. But Rhysand would no longer tolerate her in Velaris, even for Feyre. As punishment, Rhysand had sent her to Wind Haven where she would stay for the foreseeable future. With no allowance form Rhys, she would have to earn her keep by working in the camp, as all the “commoners” did. Cassian had almost laughed when Rhysand had thrown Elain’s insult to you right back at her. With that out of the way, Cassian had turned to you and his brother.

As it turns out, his brother and his lover were equally stubborn. Despite the air being cleared between the two of you, both parties being absolved of guilt, neither of you was willing to take the first step. Azriel was still convinced that you wanted nothing to do with him, that you did not want to see him. And you… you had somehow managed to convince yourself that in the argument that had taken place between you and Azriel, you had hurt him to such a measure that you could not face him.

Ultimately, Cassian wanted to slam his head against a wall. Neither of you was willing to budge so he knew he had to take matters into his own hands. Therefore he had concocted a simple plan. He had convinced Azriel to take an evening stroll with him, claiming that his brother had spent too many days locked up in his house, drinking and brooding, that he needed some fresh air. In the end it had taken a direct order from Rhysand to get Azriel out of the house. Cassian knew his brother did not like to play rank with them but in this case it was necessary. If he was left to his own devices Azriel would most likely wither away in his home.

Well, they had gone flying and had even stopped at a restaurant where Cassian had forced his brother to eat- because Azriel did look like a walking corpse. It was when they were walking by the Sidra thkat the second component of his plan arrived- you.

The two lovers froze as they spotted each other. Now that the two were face to face, they had to talk.

“Oh, damn it. I was supposed to take Nesta flying. Well I better leave. Enjoy your walk Azriel.” With that Cassian took to the sky but not before he saw his brother’s accusatory glare. As he soared to the clouds, he sent a prayer to the Mother to soften both your hearts and allow the two of you to work out your differences- if only for the sake of your love.

..........................................................................................

Azriel POV:

The scene was rather poetic; two lovers mirroring each other’s pain. Your eyes looked hollow and sunken, as he was sure his did as well, indicative of long nights spent crying instead of sleeping.

He knew he couldn’t walk away, as much as his mind was begging him to. He wasn’t that cowardly. So he slowly approached you, allowing you the chance to walk away, but thankfully you moved to him as well.

“Can we talk?” he asked, his voice hoarse from days of not using it- he hadn’t really fell like talking to anyone. You nodded and the pair walked over to the bench that gave a brilliant view of the river in front of them, yet at the moment all seemed bland and gray.

“So…”

“I’m sorry,” the two of you said at the same time.

“Sorry? Nightingale, what are you sorry for? It was my fault… I…” Azriel didn’t know what his fault was but he knew his darling was not to be blamed.

“No, you have done nothing wrong. Your brother, Cassian, he explained everything, everything that the bitch did,” you spat out, “It is my fault Azriel. You… You did nothing at all. That bitch kissed you against your will and I blamed you for it. And I am so sorry for that, Azriel.”

Azriel was at a loss. He had walked into this conversation expecting to be confronted and now… he was confused.

“I should have listened to you, I should have stopped to think but I didn’t and I’m so sorry Azriel,” you cried, tears lining your eyes.

“Its okay, nightingale. It was the heat of the moment, you didn’t have to time to react to what you saw. I probably would have reacted the same.”

And it was true. With how possessive he was, Azriel knew seeing his nightingale with another man would not have ended well.

“But you came to me… You came to my house to explain yourself even when you had done nothing wrong… And I didn’t even listen, and I said such horrible things. I’m so so sorry Azriel,” you said amidst tears as your head fell into your hands.

Instantly, he took you into his arms. And just like that he felt whole again. You were where you belonged, and that’s all that matters. But you pulled away and took his hands in your own,

“I need you to know, Azriel. I did not mean anything I said, not a single thing. Everything I said about your hands and you… I meant none of it. I was just so angry and I used your insecurities against you and I am so so sorry for that. Please, I understand if you do not wish to be with me any longer, but please forgive me. I won’t ever be able to forgive myself for hurting you like that, I’m so so sorry Az.”

With that you broke down into tears and Azriel pulled you back into his arms, every part of his soul begging him to comfort you, to provide solace.

“Love, its okay, I forgive you. I know you did not mean it, because I know my nightingale holds no malice for anyone in her heart. Yes it did hurt in the moment but we were both not thinking straight in the moment.”

“You shouldn’t forgive me so easily,” you remarked as you wiped away some tears.

“I think that should be for me to decide, no?”

A strange silence fell between them, one that had had no place in their relationship before. It was the gnawing kind that slowly began to suffocate you. The two of you had resolved the misunderstanding but so much had been done, so much had been said, that they didn’t know how to move past it. So they sat quietly side by side, staring at the river before them, wondering to themselves if it could carry away their woe as well.

No matter how much he tried to ignore it, there was one question that was gnawing at the back of his mind. Azriel knew if he wanted any hope for their relationship to survive, he had to ask it now. Otherwise they could try to move past this together and dance around it, ignoring it’s presence as it slowly suffocated Azriel to death.

“Why didn’t you come for me, when Cassian had told you the truth?”

You turned to glance at him, the pain shining through your eyes, then turned back to the River as you answered,

“I was afraid, afraid that you would turn me away. Already I had convinced myself that I did not deserve you… everything that happened only cemented the fact that I would only hurt you.”

That- was not what he was expecting. He had thought perhaps you had already given up on their relationship, maybe you didn’t think him worth the effort. To think that you thought yourself unworthy… it wasn’t like you. Some deep instinct of his told him there was more. He wasn’t the Spymaster for nothing.

“Where is this coming from, love?”

“I don’t know, Azriel. I’ve just been struggling so much these past few months. Freya, she made these new friends that we’ve been hanging out with. And she told them about us, our relationship, and the things they said have been getting to my head. They found it very hard to imagine that you would date someone like me. They always commented how you could always find someone richer or belonging to a more royal family. And one of them… one of them even said that because you go to all these different courts, you probably have loads of affairs. And you… You were gone for so long, and I know it was for work, I understand that completely, I knew that when we got together. But they wouldn’t stop saying it. So when Elain showed up to my shop… everything she said and then what I saw at the café, it was like vindication for my fears. Like you had proven them right. I got so caught up in their hate- that I lost track of us in between.”

You again started crying at the end of the rant, it providing a much needed catharsis. Azriel was…speechless. He knew first hand how painful such insecurities were and to imagine that yours had dug so deep that you doubted their relationship… That you doubted yourself, made him want to stab his own heart out. Taking you into his arms, he whispered,

“My love, your are not wrong for having fears or insecurities. Everyone has them. You should have told me about them. That was your one mistake, you should have let me help you.”

Turning to look at him, you gazed into his eyes as if searching them for some way out of this mess.

“How do we move past this, Azriel?” You asked sadly.

“Well, we start by forgiving each other. And by promising that we never let a third get in between us again; whether that’s Freya, Elain, my brothers, anyone. Never again, nightingale. Whatever issues we have, whatever fears, we solve them together. Can you promise that?”

“Yes, my love, I promise,” you answered with a smile.

“So we’re together again?” he asked with a smirk and you answered by throwing yourself into his arms. And as he held you in his arms, Azriel swore it was then that he took his first breath in weeks. He knew this was far from over. He knew it would take time to rebuild their relationship and their trust in each other to way it was, knew it would take time to fight away your insecurities along side his own. But in this moment, he only shuffled closer to you, inhaling your scent to give solace to his weary heart.

Pulling away, he wiped the tears from your face and asked with a smirk,

“Well, it is way past the date, but would you be interested in a belated, anniversary breakfast my lady?”

In answer you only let out a laugh of your own, the sound more melodious to Azriel than the sweetest opera, and you took his hand in your own as the two of you began to walk towards your favorite café, where all this heartbreak had started.

The two of you walked hand in hand to the same café, hearts beating as one, to a new start.

Taglist: @i-am-infinite, @going-through-shit @cleverzonkwombatsludge @minnieoo @rcarbo1 @tele86 @freyagallileaevans @paleidiot @mariahoedt @ratgirl2020 @starryhiraeth @s-a-v-a-n-a-34 @topaz125 @theravenphoenix26 @circe143

[siriuslysatorusimping]

sorry kiko but i have a toxic relationship with angst and characters suffering now i dont want them to suffer i want them to be happy but....

tbh i think this is the work of akutami and isayama (aot, btw have u watched or read aot?? ) i blame them 😭

buttttt if we are gonna have anything angsty it has to be temporary only cause 😭 i cant

So, aot lost me really early on. Like really early on. I just wasn't interested in it. It was too much for me. It's this idea that there's too much despair under the guise of being hopeful... Like, idk, something about it just didn't work for me.

JJK is at the point where it feels cruel. To both fans and Gojo. Because Akutami can bullshit all he wants with that afterlife scene, but Gojo didn't do any of the things he really wanted to do, so I don't buy that he died without regrets. It felt so false for him to imply that he doesn't have regrets. And it felt like a way to pretend Akutami wanted to appease the people he knew would be angry.

As for angst, I'm all for some angst. But there's angst with a purpose - which is what Echoes in the Void and (Please) Prove Me Wrong were - and then there's a point where it legitimately feels cruel.

At this point, some of the things people are saying they think should happen or would add to the angst would feel cruel to do to Rinko after everything she has been through.

The physical trauma she's been through is more than enough break her, but she's kept going in multiple situations because she had to.

But the emotional damage? Guys.

Like, you've gotta remember that at this point, Gojo is basically all she has left.

Her mom has been gone for years. Mai is gone. Megumi is currently gone. She's lost Nanami.

Remember, Nanami was Rinko's drinking buddy, her annoying, dumbass little brother who teased her and drove her insane, who she loved so much. His friendship was almost more important to her than Goo's because it offered a level of comfort and stability that even she closed herself off from with Gojo to protect her heart. She lost him. And she knows that it isn't her fault, but that doesn't make that pain go away.

Gojo gave her that time to mourn him, that was the moment in the shower when she broke down. The silence that we skipped over between after they spoke and when the shower was done was her finally getting to grieve her best friend. She's not done, but it was the first time she was able to let herself really begin to feel that weight of the reality that he's gone. The fact that she will never see him again.

She has lost everyone. There's genuinely only so much more she could take before her heart would literally just stop working.

People have said that they really like how emotionally realistic Rinko is, and emotionally realistic Rinko would literally die of a broken heart if she went through too much more.

I'm gonna be honest with you: Once she sees Gojo 'die' (because in my canon he's gonna come back) Rinko is going to go in to fight Sukuna with the intent to die doing it. She's going to live, and she's going to destroy him decisively. Not even a competition if he can't beat her domain out. But she's going to go in thinking she's gonna die. And she doesn't care. Because at that point, all of her reasons for living are gone. So she's going to go in with the sole intent to take him with her.

She's gonna live. She's gonna literally psychologically torment Sukuna and then chop that fucker's head off and smash it into nothing. And then she's going to get out and wish she was dead, and then she'll see Megumi and realize she has at least one reason to live. And then Gojo will show back up, and she'll just fucking collapse because she's so fucking tired.

It isn't just going to be Gojo wanting to retire and disappear for a while (if not forever). She's going to agree with him. She's literally going to just look up and be like "I'm so fucking done with this shit. Fuck all this shit. Yuuta, you go kill the guy in Geto's body and burn it, son. Super proud of you. K, cool. BYE."

And they're gonna nope the fuck out and let the kids handle it while Rinko sleeps for a literal week.

[emojellyace08]

Lookism Men x Reader/Y/N (If their relationship were a romantic pop-punk/rock song)

pairing: character x reader Warnings: none! just pure entertainment (slight angst?)

Daniel Park (Park Hyung Seok)

I'll describe Daniel's crush's on Y/N as this song, why? Remember him having a crush on Crystal and Yui? Yeah when he wants to confess his feelings for you he felt like you'll going to judge and reject him which he's so tired about it. "And why, all the possibilities, where I was wrong". Remember when he thought Yui really respects chubby people? Just because she's nice to his second body doesn't really means that she's genuine about her statement. Just because she said that she's fine with chubby people to his "handsome body" doesn't mean that she really likes him for who he really was (not that she knows about his situation about his bodies but still). So the possibilities of Yui liking his other body back was just a high expectation that Daniel have and in the end he got disappointed by his interaction with her in his other body. "That's what you get when you let your heart win" like the song quotes. He gets hurt when he confesses his feelings to someone and doesn't receive the same affection. So if Yui discriminated his original body and Crystal judges his second one just because he's handsome, he'll be so scared about his crush on you so I really associate this song with him about his feelings :(

Song meaning (based on Lyric Interpretation):

I almost wonder if this isn't like an "I told you so" kind of song where a past love wronged her and it turned around and bit them in the rear.

The other thought I had is that its a song about getting over be depressed that love can hurt, and getting over the bumps in relationships. I mean she says "I burned every bridge I ever build when you were here" meaning she gave up a lot of things to be with them, but at the end she says "I can't trust myself with anything but this" meaning she's confident in her decision.

Zack Lee (Lee Jin Sung)

Another Paramore song! (I mean who doesn't love Paramore). I interpret this song as having a crush on someone and wanting more than just being friends. I think it perfectly fits Zack. "Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone. Just the one, two, I was just counting on. That never happens, I guess I'm dreaming again. Let's be more than this" I think the second to the last part of the chorus is Zack "dreaming" for a romantic relationship with you which he can't tell straight despite his affection being obvious. And "that never happens" line in my understanding is that him breaking out of his dreams and thoughts thinking to himself that you'll never be his. Him being able to express his love and devotion to you through act of service and gentle actions, being the role of the protector between the two of you yet he can't seem to tell his true feelings for you through words makes him hurt so much deep inside though he doesn't show it too much.

Song meaning (based on Songtell):

"Crushcrushcrush" by Paramore is a song about wanting to have an intimate connection with someone and to be more than just friends. It speaks of the feeling of being trapped in a situation where all you can do is watch the object of your affection from afar. The song expresses frustration, as the singer wishes they could break free of their feelings of helplessness and express their desires openly. The lyrics express the need to break down the walls of inhibition and silence, to free the person who has been “taped over” and let the truth be known. Ultimately, the song speaks to the desire for a romantic relationship and to take it far beyond the platonic or just the surface level of an emotional connection.

Eli Jang (Jang Hyun)

Please listen to this song it's so BEAUTIFULLLLLL I LOVE MCR (I mean it's okay if you don't want to but still). I feel like this would be Eli's song with you. In my interpretation, this song is about all the terrible things and challenging events in you life that can overwhelm you. It's about how traumatizing things that happened in a person's life can affect their mental state so much and it really hurts. But the line "'Cause the world is ugly, but you're beautiful to me" and saying this genuinely to someone who is struggling about their personal problems can really hit them to the core. Saying this genuinely to your special someone (whenever it is a family member, lover, or bestfriend/friend) can really make them feel appreciated and loved. And who else can we associate this song with? Eli's childhood was sh*tty considering that many people abused him and the ones who actually loves/loved him will either leave. But meeting you in good terms and forming a strong bond with him can make him more open about his feelings. Considering that Hostel, Yenna and you are the only people who he felt who values and loves him makes his heart swell so much. The world might be against him now, but your beautiful smile and personality along with Yenna's melts his ice cold heart >3. (I also think that Daniel fits this song too)

Song meaning (based on Lyric Interpretation):

First of all, this song is extremely beautiful and it means so much to me. I don't know where I'd be without it. But nobody wants to hear me complain about my life, they came here for people's guesses on what the song means. Personally, I feel like the song is saying that society is a fucked up place, and it'll be rude and judgmental and just ugly. Gerard is saying that despite the fact that the world is ugly, he thinks that 'you' are beautiful to him. I believe 'you' is the fans. I believe this whole song was made for fans, and maybe Bandit, too. It's just a beautiful song with a great meaning, and I love it. Hope this was detailed enough lol. (Also after reading this listen to The Light Behind Your Eyes. It's also very beautiful, and it's probably the reason I'm still alive.)

Vasco (Lee EunTae)

This another MCR song sounds too pure like Vasco man. This song really sounds nostalgic, sad yet happy at the same time. Just running away from your problems and enjoying life seems fun, which fits Euntae's energy so much I luv it.

Song meaning (based on Lyric Interpritations)

I think the song is about people that you love in general, friends and lovers in particular. The line "Turn my headphones up real loud" represents trying to tune out real life and the people that are trying to pull you down, and "I don't think I need them now, 'cause you stop the noise" is abou meeting those people, who understand and are messed up too, but slowly bring you out of the trance you get into ignore real life, and will guide you through the dark times, holding your hand and stumbling with you.

The lyric "You can write it on your arm" is about Gerard and Lyn-Z (like the whole song, but that line in particular for me) on tour together, and Lyn-Z wrote 'You can run away with me' on her arm during her set, and Gerard wrote 'Anytime you want' on his. The song as a whole is about those people you meet who pull you out of your sleep, and make you wake up to real life, the good, beautiful things, and although they can't sheild you from the bad stuff, they protect you and stay with you throughout it.

Jay Hong (Hong Jae Yol) and Warren Chae (Chae Won Seok)

Despite the hidden dirtiness behind this Avril Lavigne song (search it up if you want). It still sounds sweet for me at least. We all know Jay and Warren are not the best with expressing themselves with words (like Zack but theirs are just a bit worse). So I think this song fits them a lot. Just them stuttering and unable to say what they want to say to you, that they love you so much. "Marry me today, guess I'm wishing my life away. With these things I'll never say".

A/N: Part 2 of this with Jake, Goo, Gun, Johan and other characters I hope you like this song picks and it's a pleasure to share my music taste to you even if you don't like rock lol. Goodnight and stay safe :)

[dark-roleplay-finder]

🕊️[20+, m/m or nb/m] hey y'all! i've been itching to do this concept for a bit--or at least something with very similar dynamic. i rp mostly on email but i can do discord; i write 3rd person in present tense, semi-lit/novella; and i love me some angst and complicated relationships hehe. (while nsfw or smut is encouraged, i don't have much rp experience specifically if that's something important to you!) i'd like a character-focused plot and love worldbuilding + i'm experienced in writing a recurring side cast.

SOLE SURVIVOR OF A FAILED REVOLUTION (A) X HEIR TO THE TYRANT THEY TRIED TO OVERTHROW (B)

aka Tired x Chaotic; Uses Head x Follows Heart

slow-burn, possibly sci-fi, psychological, drama, power imbalance. very fucked world overall. potential for co-dependency, obsessive/possessive behavior, power play, and manipulation. slight age difference with B being a little younger than A for timeline purposes. dubious consent for the power imbalance, especially if both are privy to each other's exact identities from the start, and each having something to gain from the other.

set in a dystopian society in a nation suffering from ecological disaster that caused most of the population to bear the brunt of it

i'd love an assertive but goofy muse who's also a bit naive while being capable of casual murder/violence, to go against someone incredibly world-weary and reluctantly living on autopilot, resigned to his circumstances yet still harboring a lot of rage. in spite of bedroom roles, hit me with some trope subversion and characterization beyond those please.

the vibesTM: asking about your favorite candy and your relationship with your family over takeout after an unceremonious bathroom hookup; a bloody kiss after one protects the other; hysterical, broken laughter right before a breakdown during sex (or anything that's supposed to be an intimate and tender moment); tracing scars in fascination with a sense of pride that you're the first/only one to see them; looking at the lights and motions of a city from above and feeling a sense of longing/alienation; whatever emotions you experienced while watching Netflix's Beef.

A + B somehow meet and get attached to each other, forming a genuine connection and feeling something for the first time in years in spite of how it draws scorn from their respective communities. give me flawed people who aren't necessarily out to fix each other that get their own sort of happy ending (happy being subjective here LOL).

B is intrigued by someone as "real" as A, being delighted that A treats them something close to human and is blunt about how they abhor B's standing and what they represent (looks at A with a hint of romanticization of poverty too) while A can't help but find it fascinating that someone who's so removed from regular people and is capable of destruction manages to have such childlike wonder at life. plus, B pays for food.

to some extent, they're both spectators gawking at each other as if the other is some animal in a zoo. they're both also very lonely people aching to feel seen and wanted.

important: my activity levels vary significantly since I kinda work 2 jobs and my main one takes a lot of my energy. if long gaps between replies make you anxious/irritate you or if you prefer fast-paced plots and rapid-fire responses, this probably ain't gonna work tbh--ofc i will try my best to communicate with you when things come up. busy people with loaded schedules that still like writing in their downtime to the front pls🥲

hope to build something neat that we can both yell about during weird hours! interact with the post and i'll reach out :]

Like this post and the asker will reach out!

[archivalofsins]

Hey, how ya feeling? How's your mood? Nobody asked but it's somewhere between sick and tired. If you're wondering. Oh, or it's always some level of this in the background at all times.

Like I have a bone to pick with Caligula Effect 2 for the emotional damage it hit me with right from the gate and with Sasara and Machina's stories in particular.

As someone who has constantly had to reckon with the concept of mortality since they were born- This narrative seemed incredibly mishandled in comparison to everything else. You have the other go home club members and the musicians' problems and these two are just over here reckoning with the existential dread that comes with knowing you are going to die.

One of them one day soon and the other who knows when. I was playing this and talking to Sasara during her like dive deeper and when I said I understood where she was coming from I wasn't trying to be fucking nice I genuinely understood where she was coming from. I was born with seriously bad asthma I learned that I can die literally directly after I learned words because it was explained to me I could when I understood words.

In order to explain why yeah you need to sleep with this breathing machine on, why, because if you don't you have a high chance of your breathing ceasing in your sleep and you die, what's that, it's when you stop existing don't worry it happens to everyone. I spent the first seven years of my life going to sleep with the lingering idea of death over my head. It is not comparable to the other issues displayed here.

Having the game start off on that for people with experiences like mine gives this impression of seriousness that the rest of the story fails to properly deliver on that ultimately comes off belittling to the fact that the concept was brought up at all. Song is amazing as hell but I wanted to punch this game in the face when Sasara had the audacity to ask Machina if he was over his fear of death.

I literally said no he's not because that's not how that fucking works but he at least probably knows he wants to live, and he can't remain in constant fear of death while trying to do that. Like I understand wanting to rush towards death and met a fulfilling end on your own terms instead of just waiting for it to happen one day as Sasara continually does throughout two, I understand being afraid of the sometimes slow and sadly at times very quick demise an degradation of everything around you.

I understand this quite well. Yet having that compared that very ever present and life freezing fear and wait for the inevitable brough up right before going into a story about idols and burnout. That's a jarring shift in tone. One of these people is having a fucking existential crisis at their first run in with death and the other is bitter over an asshole idol.

I know everyone's struggles are different but it's very demeaning. Then they even have Machina pseudo die in the plot the thing he was most afraid of happening and it kind of plays this off as humorous while I'm just here like bet. It isn't lost on me that it took a near death experience for him to realize he wanted to live and there were in fact a lot of things he wants to do with his life. Yet...literally no one else here had to face their fears at all.

So, it's kind of weird this was put in to what? Fuck with people who actually share this fear that shit was wild. I was just was shocked into silence it was like I know you're treating this seriously yet at the same time is this a fucking joke to you kept running through my mind given my own experiences. It wouldn't have been wild if his near death experience made him even more afraid. It's good it didn't but still.

It was a mix of I understand but I'm soooo angry right now you wouldn't believe. It was like accurate depictions but fuck you. It was like decent but if given the choice between accepting this as fine or burning the code of this game with a flamethrower out of spite I'd choose the latter. Well, that just means he properly depicted the trauma and recognized everyone's struggles would be different and included various different struggles to better highlight a wider group of people. This was pretty inclusive.

That's not bad writing, that's a good thing. Yeah, you're right. That's why the game is good. People should play it.

However, it's important to recognize that the overarching theme of Caligula Effect 2 is death. Coming to terms with it and the many ways it can happen. Be it through one's own will, murder, natural causes, or happenstance. From that standpoint starting with Sasara and Machina makes thematic sense. However, it can dampen the stakes in every other instance after. Making them come off to some players as petty arguments that honestly did not need to happen at points if one were to compare those parts in isolation.

From insulting someone else's attempts at art, to arguing about idol culture- Never really picking back up that severity until like Shota's area and the choice with Marie. In comparison to dealing with the reality of one's mortality, deciding whether or not to die to make sure all of your friends can get out of here safely or tough it out with the unknown (Marie), to deciding to end your own life due to all the responsibilities and pressures thrusted upon you by others and society along with a lack of support (Regret).

I can thematically understand something and be like this was not it this theme at times felt really disconnected from the rest of the story and own a personal level offended me. I can also recognize a personal issue as a personal issues.

None of this makes this a bad game. It's a good game. It has good writing and characters. This just means my experience with it was ultimately impacted by my own relation to the theme of the work outside of the work itself. Now for all I know they expected and hoped people with that particular issue would play the game and learn something from it.

However, I'm at a point where I'm comfortable saying that lesson simply was not meant for me. I was at a point in my life where that would be counterproductive and most of what it set out to teach was something I already knew. Song is still amazing though. But like man it was an experience...

[bisexualrapline]

I’m falling out of love with bts with everyday that goes. Please don’t judge me for this but I’m just so overwhelmed and tired… been like that since early 2022. I think it’s because I found this in late 2020 and binge watched EVERY micro content they ever shared… gone thru the obsession, craziness, sharing it w friends and family, even minor shipping at the very beginning…

But now I feel so empty and I kind of regret the way things played out. I wish I took one thing at a time. But it’s so hard w Bangtan. They can be so addictive.

So now I just feel so empty and like nothing interest me anymore. I haven’t watched anything recently since summer. Even run episodes that I loved so much.

Is this weird? Like ofc I don’t hate this because also some of their stans have rubbed me the wrong way in the past but didn’t fixate on it too much. I’m afraid this is the end of my journey with tannies, even tho they’re so special, made me so much for the short period of time I known them. I’ll never hate them or forget them.

Idk if I should just try to take a LONG break from them and then get back to them again. Because if I continue like this after a while it will feel forced and not genuine. Honestly I’m so lost and idk what to do with these emoticons

hey i don’t judge you!

as a person with adhd i did exactly the same thing when i first got into tannies. it’s overwhelming and emotionally draining but exciting and dopamine releasing at the same time lmao. of course that’s not sustainable and you don’t have to feel guilty or bad because you don’t feel the same level of engagement you once did (hint: it was probably slightly unhealthy!)

for me at least it’s normal to burn out on a hyperfixation every once in a while. i’m not saying you have adhd but i don’t see why the same principle wouldn’t apply. there is an overload of something and then you have to balance your life to rectify it. try some new hobbies! find some new music! read some new books!

for me at least, that got me over my “burnout” period with bangtan pretty quickly. it’s hard to swing down from such an emotional high but feeling like i had balance in my life really made me rethink my relationship with fandom in general and realize how much (or how little) involvement would really make me happy.

now i engage when i feel like it, don’t engage when i don’t feel like it, am happy most of the time, and deeply love bangtan at all times. it’s okay to step back or feel a disconnect as long as you don’t try to “just push through” or force yourself into things that don’t make you happy. your health and happiness should always come first above all. please also realize that it doesn’t diminish your love or make it less worthy in any way if you have to take a step back. i’m not ashamed to admit there’s a ton of old content that i myself haven’t caught up with because of overwhelm and lack of time and honestly it gives me some comfort knowing there’s always something new for me to discover 🤷🏻‍♀️

take care and honestly try not to think too deeply about it. bangtan would want you to be smiling whether you’re watching them actively or not 💗

[serenanymph]

15 questions tag

Tagged by the lovely @macabremoons! Since I already answered this for Crys, I'm going to answer for Icarus this time.

Are you named after anyone? Nope, but he did choose his last name - Kal-Nira - after his moms, Kali and Nira. Beasts generally don't have last names, but he wanted something to remember them by.

When was the last time you cried? Hmm. He's actually pretty emotional and open about his feelings, so quite recently. If we're talking the last time he cried in the wip uh... yeah that's a spoiler.

Do you have kids? He's 17, so no, but he loves playing with the kids in the Grove.

Do you use sarcasm a lot? Very rarely, and only when bantering but never as a means of insulting someone. He's simply too nice for that.

What’s the first thing you notice about people? Threat levels, because you learn to be cautious when you're a Beast and the world is against you. He also tends to see the best in people, though, so besides that it would be positive qualities - and oh, their expressions and how they're feeling, due to his high empathy.

What’s your eye color? I'd describe it as onyx or obsidian if I wanted to be fancy, but honestly it's just. Plain black.

Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings, without question.

Any special talents? Not particularly (because I haven't figured it out yet shhhhhh-), but if he did have any it would probably be something odd and largely insignificant, like a random skill that would make for a good party trick (sorry, Ink).

Where were you born? A hidden Beast village, somewhere close to where Kosei's Border was at the time. Possibly in the New Territory? But then Kosei got pushed back and the war swept down south towards them, and, well. You can guess what happened.

What are your hobbies? Genuinely he has like. So many. He's just super curious and interested in everything, so he's picked up a bunch of stuff over the years - mudlarking, woodwork, paper folding, knitting, cooking (but he tends to burn stuff in the kitchen), etc etc. He also reads a lot of human books trying to understand their culture, but the anti-Beast sentiments get pretty tiring after a while so he steers clear of mythology/religious books.

Have you any pets? Nope, but he is fond of cats (though they keep on trying to eat him when he's in bird-form).

What sports do you play/have played? Does swordfighting and flying count?

How tall are you? About 175-180cm. A tall boi.

Favorite subject in school? He doesn't really have much of a preference, but he loves to learn new things in general. Magic theory's difficult though.

Dream job? He'd probably need to be eligible to apply for jobs first... (and, you know, not get attacked on sight due to being Beast and everything)

So uh whoops. This got a little too long.

Anyway @lyssa-ink @reneesbooks @kaiyo @loopyhoopywrites, tell me more about your characters *makes grabby hands* (though no pressure, of course!)

+ open tag for anyone who wants, as usual!

(blank questions under readmore)

Are you named after anyone?

When was the last time you cried?

Do you have kids?

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

What’s your eye color?

Scary movies or happy endings?

Any special talents?

Where were you born?

What are your hobbies?

Have you any pets?

What sports do you play/have played?

How tall are you?

Favorite subject in school?

Dream job?

[kingprinceleo]

Regarding your feelings towards art: It sounds like burnout. When something you've used to do feels so tough and hard and painful? I've gone through that with school, work, even video games I play! What helps burnout is taking a break. Don't even sketch! And pick something else to do. I've learned to do simple coding, simple sewing, how to fix electronics (Like Gamecubes), playing with my Lego, learning about cars, and trying new games! My autism actually LOVED learning about cars so I got a new power (Car autism). After I felt satisfied with the amount I learned I was able to go back to whatever was burning me out. Pick something new to try out or learn about. Drop even sketching for now. If you get a drawing idea write it down somewhere, that way you won't lose it. Even your "Worthless" sketches ARE worth something! It's art! No art is worthless, ever. It all has meaning, purpose, and emotion put into it. I hope any of this info can help you feel better.

This is all really good stuff to anyone who isn't me fnjdjdndndjd /lh

I wish I could do any of that, but it's almost physically impossible to get myself to try anything new,, I have this silly little disease where even if I'm completely alone, I feel so stupid and ashamed for not understanding something right away, not being good at it right away , and that stresses me out beyond repair so I try to avoid those feelings which results in my only skills being mid digital sketches, middle school level singing, and I can dance. Slightly. That's genuinely all I can do from all my years of being alive and it is!!!! Embarrassing!!!

Really the only thing I'm slightly interested in is music composition and production, but the learning curve for that is so steep im scared to touch it with a million foot pole

The depression and executive dysfunction do not help even slightly with any of this stuff, even the autism can't fight the power of being sad and tired

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

I've been thinking a lot lately about my experiences over my lifetime with men and how I feel about them in general. Something about a second divorce gets you thoughtful about patterns and the parts you play in them. Having kids by two fathers gives you a lot of data in personalities and dynamics and where my wildcard ass gets us all in trouble. I don't hate men. I don't even really dislike men that much. I don't fear men physically anymore, but I've processed a lot of that professionally and with exposure therapy. I've been abused in all the flavors by men, but I'm nearly in my forties. It was still the wild wild west where I came from. I am the most attracted to men. I like a lot of nerdy things that I can have an interesting hyper-fixation conversation with dudes. I like smoke break stories with guys. I like the idea of a dark stranger giving me a warm look and tasting like danger.

Men make me tired. Like, it often feels like I have to cite my sources in a conversation with dudes that have no rung on any hierarchy above me and they still think they are giving me wisdom with political lingo. I just walk into a lot of situations knowing someone is going to take one look at me and get annoyingly helpful. They just want the best for me! I promise sir, you don't want to know me that intimately. I have stories that make all you guys hang your head. I am best as an acquaintance. As a concept. As a distant friend. And because I've had to learn the man's religious perspective about everything is superior because my gender was often burned or drowned or whatever the fuck for being like me.... likely for daring to read or write a book or practice law or... owned a credit card forty years ago. I think pants and our shoulders are still a thing for people and their reckless ways around us.

I see an emotionally immature man and I'm just tired now. Like you are with your children when they won't go to bed and they just want your love and they are just baby birds but man you are exhausted and their is nothing left and all you can do is tell them please go the fuck to sleep in the softest voice you have left before you roar it.

It's like that. Like, I'm not even mad anymore. I'm just tired. I will meet you at whatever level you can treat me like I'm your peer because I am and that's it we're adults now and went to school together learned all the same stuff and we're adults we have a good idea of what's wrong and what's right meet me there and I'll keep things honest fuck around and you'll find out where I sting don't make me tired I already raise kids I want to talk to a fucking man be interesting and genuine share some actual wisdom not a correction of something I say that you've decided was too emotional and below your definition of reason I promise you that I can think just as logically as your sense of righteousness my sense of justice is just poetic entertain me make me laugh let me enjoy the attention I'm giving you let's be playful and banter don't make it sexual it takes a little extra thought but it's all about feeling safe and comfortable to be ourselves and not some role in someone else's imagination just don't make me tired unless I ask you to make me tired that's all

[xavierkhalil]

"Happy Face/Sad Boy"

I must ask why I experience my spells of depression. I have tried to rationalize by saying that it’s just a condition that I live with, but it is genuinely frustrating, because I am not a sonder person. I can be serious, pondering, emotional, and the occasional sad, but depressed? It is so odd for me, a person who is generally jovial about life.

Is it my past naivety or experiences of hardship. I have even tried to equate it to the possibility that I had never seen moments of happiness last long. I mean happiness did feel like a luxury growing up. It lasted for a moment, and then we were back to stressing about everything. All of it was directed towards finances, but mine is expressed because of general anxiety.

I have this fear that good things are not meant to last a long time for someone like me. It is something that I have unpacked in counseling a number of times. I have to have constant moments of self-talk to remedy the toxic thoughts I think, and I thought by now it would be easier to manage. It is not. If anything, it seems that it gets more difficult. It was easier to be ignorant and confused about these things, but living it for so long has forced me to take accountability. That shit is hard as fuck to do! I mean who wants to have irrational thoughts and spend much of their consciousness trying to rationalize their thoughts and emotions. Is something that all humans are cognizant of? Is it just a few? Or is this increasing among the younger generations? These are the questions we need answers to, folks!

The person who I love, but never been exclusive or intimate with, surprised me when they said they feel lonely a lot of the times. We go through these periods where we don’t speak, mostly on his accord, and it shocked me that he felt that way. It shocked me even more that this was the reason he “ran away” during these moments. Before knowing this, I associated his ghosting with me, and I internalized that something was wrong with me as a result. After giving him space and autonomy to express that to me, I understand that on a deeper level.

See, I have been dealing with depression and anxiety since I was 17 years old. I am 22, now, but for the first time I feel like I get where the one I love is coming from. He texted me back almost a week ago, and the entire weekend, Monday and Tuesday I read the opened message, and I didn’t know how to respond. I have been trying to challenge my ego and pride by not allowing those emotions to contradict my actions! I am also trying to let go of shame and ego and embrace Love but that is hard, too. All in all, I know how he feels in these moments. Lonely. That there is no need to reach out and be the emotional burden to someone else, especially to one you perceive as incomparable.

More than just loneliness, but war. An internal war of trying to be someone better than I was before. Trying to let the shadows of our former selves die and embrace the Light that burns within us is hard as hell! Especially in these depressing episodes, it feels like the shadows begin to get the upper hand. As if they want to be a part of me and I don’t want them to. Even when I tried to embrace them, and deal with them, it was dissatisfying. Seeing old patterns slowly repeated began to make me cringe. Knowing the names of the shadows, ego, shame and pride, I desire to let them go. I mean really let them go!

However, it feels like they don’t want to let me go, but what matters is I do! I know that I am meant to be free and love freely. I am challenged to show the Light blessed by God within me, and what’s funny is that deeply in depression, the Light shines just as bright. The fear of being free is attached to the go of safety and the shame of failure. I am tired of living like this. So no more suppressing.

[taylorbuggtaylortot]

Wanna know someone’s true character? Be genuine and loving to them & watch if they take advantage or not. They give back or burn out? They give in or give out? 🤷🏻‍♀️ You shootin your own gahd damn self In the foot. Imma walk away happy as fuck knowing I ain’t color blind when a mother fucker wanna show they true colors.

Girls want men who will treat them like a slut while loving them more than anything. It’s a drug problem. That’s why we accept poor choices of men. We don’t know our worth. I know that

Reading this helped me figure out what I know. Writing helps me figure out what I know.

Home girl told me she felt my freedom the other day and it resonated with me on a whole other level. Probably changed my life and perspective a little bit.. level ups. Lol

This is who I am though. Been confused about how I been feeling but if you know who you are, you figure those emotions out. I haven’t been able to label my emotions properly lately, I guess having gotten out of my last situation, I was looking for my new self. The one I’m creating with out him. And I’ve been acting sad as hell while looking happy all the time... I’ve been being strong. I feel like being free means losing everything because it takes losing everything to know what true freedom is. Im learning how to lose everything and not care. For the record, im not talking about my house and everything like that I lost oddly enough, I’m talking about losing him . I loved him more than I even realized but it was toxic. I’m speaking on my breakup finally I guess to myself. I am admitting all of this to myself. Idk why I blocked it out?? Most people don’t know this unless I’m friends with them personally and so anyone who knows found out by paying attention to the fact I moved and asking me about it. But he was my everything. So yes that makes me sad unfortunately. I don’t want to feel that way but I do. I don’t wanna feel down but that emotion demands to be felt and I don’t know why. I guess I’m still figuring out a lot. I thought being free would fix everything and it did and it didn’t. I guess I’m figuring out what really matters to me. I never realized how much I didn’t actually care about anything other than myself.

And I thought I was the most giving person. I did it cause I was taught you were supposed to, not cause I cared about them.,I had respect. But I know undoubtably I gave a complete fuck about this one man... until I didn’t. I feel like I’ve been conditioned to think being free will make me happy but what about love? Love makes people happy and that’s just a fact if you still have human emotions and you aren’t that fuckin numb yet. Maybe it’s hope. I guess I need to learn love for other people including myself. I have standards and respect towards myself but I don’t think that I have love towards myself.

I don’t care about myself even tho I do things to make myself look like I do , it’s not even cause I actually do all the time. I just believe in doing what’s right. Im un numbing myself from a state I lived in to deal with my last relationship. I’ve been liking dudes who don’t care cause I’m used to being that person and it makes me draw connection but now in partners im drawing connection on better things to want better for myself. Next time both of us are caring and I don’t know how to make sure of the others persons side but im gonna have to do that if I’m gonna love again.,that just breeds more trust issues ?ha... just realized this whole thing is a conversation with myself. Am I saying that just because I’m free should mean im happy though? We all think freedom makes us happy.,

I’m feeling free. I realized that’s how I look and if you know me you can read it too I’m sure. I got rid of my monster and I have never been more in touch with myself while feeling chaotically out of place simultaneously knowing that I’m right where i am meant to be.

Funny how being free makes you so tired in life because losing everything you ever wanted is stressful as fuck. Especially when it was your only means for stability after exiting the most unstable phase of your life after never knowing it.

I’ve been dissociated and auto piloting my whole entire life. I am becoming my higher self now that I developed the ability to realize what I was doing to put in the work to want to do better. I was made to feel like it was impossible love me.. I knew it was acting or what they thought they were supposed to do so they did it. my whole life despite everyone’s efforts to not act that way, I just knew I didn’t belong to my family because they acted like they cared which they did but I was never a priority like they had other things to worry about and I wanted them to include me and love me how they loved other people they loved ... that’s how I knew it was different and it wasn’t real love cause they treated some one else better than me.

Did I just say that treating some one good means you love them? I don’t believe that either. The people who love you like really love you are gonna be the hardest on you, and I just started realizing that I was so damaged of losing my mom and sisters at a young age that I never properly opened myself up to being loved… I’m starting to believe that it’s not. I don’t care and I give no fucks but at the same time you’d say because I have that care

- [ ]

[paintedscales]

... I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about how I see my ship and how it evolved over time. Because I didn't ship them at all in the beginning.

TL;DR -> Shit was really complicated in the beginning, but the more time went on, the more the two of them really meshed well together in the narrative that I had for my character. AND the NPC turned into one of my favorite characters over everyone else I'd gotten to know by Endwalker, bar none.

I actually really hated Estinien in ARR and HW. He was just... really grating to me. Like, don't get me wrong, he was a brilliant foil to Ysayle and even Alphinaud in some situations at the time.

But like, back then, he was incredibly edgy. Edgy with a tragic backstory, all up to having his, 'uh oh, I'm the villain' moment. Twice.

Genuinely was in the camp of "if he dies, he dies." when I neared the end of HW. Really didn't care.

Then... there's just a really nice beauty to the character growth going forward from the short story from Stormblood that leads into the events of the patch content of Shadowbringers, and then into Endwalker itself that I felt more in tune with when I finally allowed myself to see the character more fully after letting my emotions just stand the hell out of the way.

But! This isn't entirely about my personal feelings. Granted, some of my personal feelings were, at the time, projected onto my character.

All things considered, replaying the ARR Dragoon questline and kind of getting reacquainted with Estinien's character and the events thereof, there's really just a juxtaposition of where I feel Nomin and Estinien were at the time and the things they had experienced in their lifetime that led them to where they stood before each other at their first meeting.

(I want to note that even if I've done the DRG questline and kind of reference it, I see Nomin more having helped out with Alberic's issues as a trusted ally of Eorzea because Nomin is not a fellow Azure Dragoon; she is an Archer and then becomes a Red Mage once she is told about how the Red Mage's focus works and is able to use it with relative ease; but maybe the Eye still reacts to her, knows and feels her pain, her deep seated and buried hatred of the Jhungid)

Both of them are orphans. Both of them had terrible and scarring things happen to them when they were kids -- and they had to bear that weight. They made decisions when they were young wrought of vengeance, anger, and despair. Estinien came back to his home burning -- his family murdered in a vengeful razing. Nomin watched her brother-figure struck down before her before she was kidnapped and subjugated alongside other of the Sagahli tribe members she knew to train and fight a battle she had no desire to fight... or die because she didn't comply.

The difference being that Nomin ran away from the Steppe to avoid being reclaimed by the Jhungid once she escaped... and Estinien actively chose to face that which created his hatred and ire head on. There was a sense of envy and resentment that Nomin had for Estinien in the beginning... and perhaps she even pitied him for not being able to move on. But I think more than that, she saw a mirror of herself in Estinien -- what she could have been, what she avoided becoming.

With Ishgard's views on the au ra people from what can be gleaned in the Dark Knight quest and the flavor text we're presented with when it pertains to the Orl in general, I don't see Estinien regarding Nomin favorably. Like, maybe he has a respect for her and her power, but I do feel like her features would certainly be a hurdle to overcome on a kind of surface level till they are made to travel more together in Heavensward and his views ultimately change by the end of the expansion.

In response, Nomin is just... so very tired and irritated with Estinien a lot of the time in HW. She doesn't want to be around him. She believes that their venture and mission would be easier without him. But, she's wanting to do right by Alphinaud and Tataru -- right by the other Scions -- right by House Fortemps and the whole of Ishgard -- right by Ysayle. So she puts up with it. She puts up with him and his infuriating attitude, only finding rare moments of solace or agreement in his presence more oft than not.

And then he's on the brink of death after being used as a complete vessel for Nidhogg. Death, death, and more death have followed Nomin in this pursuit of peace, in this pursuit of helping make things right. The fear of death of the other Scions is still a thought in her mind (even if she finds out that they're mostly okay aside from Minfilia, which, like... still ouch?), Moenbryda -- for as fleeting as their overall meeting and getting to know one another was, Haurchefant, then Ysayle... deep wounds of loss for not just her, but Alphinaud -- especially Alphinaud, who she's honestly starting to feel some sense of maternal instinct over. She doesn't want him to experience more loss, more hurt, more pain.

So she doesn't want Estinien to be another facet of loss for Alphinaud. She knows how much he means to him at this point, and despite her mixed feelings that mostly bordered on the side of negative, she put everything into helping Estinien because she wanted him to be okay for Alphinaud. She wanted him alive for Alphinaud's sake.

I had the thought that, while he's being cared for by the chirurgeons, that she visited him after the initial time she, Aymeric, and Alphinaud had visited and brought him some gifts as a show of good faith. But, it was also a good opportunity for her to actually speak with him without much of an audience present, as well as without the notion of him getting up and leaving.

"... I hope we can be friends, Estinien. Because while I know we both care for Alphinaud like his is a brother to us both... I know not where we find ourselves at the end of this chapter in our lives. Putting an end to the Dragonsong War. I know know one thing, however... and it is that I know I'd be sad if I lost you, too."

That is what Nomin left Estinien to mull over before his escape from the infirmary to tend to his own whims and wishes till it is told to Nomin that Estinien had plucked her from the battlefield of Ghimlyt Dark. She can even vaguely recall talking to Estinien in moments of delirium, but most of it had been handwaved as a dream before being told by Aymeric the situation as it had happened.

So with that lingering in her mind on more than one occasion, even while doing things on the First, coming back to the Source with everyone else, and reconvening with Estinien was kind of one of those punches to the gut where Nomin realized, "... I think... I'm starting to actually grow fond of his company."

AND THEN IT WAS ALL OVER IN ENDWALKER WITH HIS HIMBO ENERGY AND A SIDE OF HIM SHE NEVER REALLY SAW. She really got to become closer to Estinien in Endwalker as well as get to know him more -- even finally being able to consider him a friend. It was over x2 when he came to visit her in her room and speak to her, and speak to her plainly his thoughts and how he felt. Like, she was utterly confounded by this sudden shift in wearing his heart on his sleeve.

for people who ship their oc with an npc: did you decide to ship them with your OC because they were a favorite character of yours OR because you felt that npc genuinely went well with your OC? I'm really curious!

[vanillahub]

16-18 on the salt meme (sorry mobile)

@corruptedforce

Lets get some NaCl-y on Munday! [Accepting]

16. How much does it take for you to get angry/upset? How long does it usually last?

// I'd say it is not easy to get me genuinely angry with someone. Being upset or disappointed with someone however, is a whole different thing. But overall, you really have to be looking, to push me to react that way, to make me feel in those ways.

Unfortunately, as a result, it takes quite awhile for me to get over a situation that left me like that. Of course, it all depends on what happened and the severity of it. But it is not uncommon for me to still feel hurt about something, even after years have passed from the fact. Things used to be a lot worse for me, many years ago. I've been learning to just let go of things, and not let my emotions to be eating me out from the inside.

To sum it up: It's hard to get me genuinely upset with someone, but when it happens, it'll leave an impression on me.

17. Something that you find unforgivable?

// Hipocrisy is something I've grown to loathe, over the past few years. And it seems like as the years go on, we only get progressively worse in this regard. I'll obviously limit the discussion to fandoms, bc this is what I'm here for, as well as so it get out of hand.

But I'm genuinely tired of seeing blatant and rampant hipocrisy, at almost every turn I take. All bc some chronically online folks, are always trying to stand on a moral pedestal 24/7, and they want to make it everyone else's problems. Clearly, I'm way too much of a "freak" to deal with these grass-deprived individuals.

I'm here to enjoy my favorite series with my friends, and a small circle of folks. I've grown tired and way too burned by seeing, people's public meltdowns and temper tantrums, because their parents failed to teach them basic manners and how to deal with frustration. Y'all have the level of maturity of an spoiled rotten infant.

18. Have you ever felt like something off about someone?

// OHOHO YES MANY TIMES

and it has saved me, SO MANY TIMES from trouble. This isn't something new, I've been trusting my gut instinct to pretty much anything. And for the most part, it has saved me from dealing with so much BS, across all the RPCs I've been in.

And in most cases, sb hadn't even done anything to me in the first place. I just didn't vibe with them, and I simple opted to keep my distance from them. And I'm shocked to see how some folks, never took that well.

[sipsteainanxiety]

Visiting bf bkg in the hospital where he has to stay for at least a week or more for whatever reason or like u said previously coz of a broken leg n u find out he has a purple diamond sticker, but as soon as you come to his side he is totally calm.. like just a while ago he was throwing fits to the point where the docs had to sedate him n now he doesn't even need the purple sticker on anymore?? lmao the hospital staff is still in denial to how did u tame him😧?? the docs request u to stay with him till he gets discharged otherwise he'll go back to being a piece of shit lol. And then imagine taking care of him too🥺. he may grumble all he wants but will never outright deny ur care n honestly yr the only one he willingly accepts it from, probably would be touched by how genuinely you are taking care of him n tending to his wounds with so much love n affection💕 (might secretly get emotional too but would never admit it). n then after a few days u leave for a whole day coz of some work n when u come back the next day he's got the sticker back on lmao what a menace, n yr like 'wth babe?' n he's all pouty like 'I told you not to leave me'😤, he's such a big baby lol..ok I'll stop rambling now

LMFAOOOOO welcome to taming a tiger: bkg edition

HE IS SO AKHDSFNDFKGJ. little bitch boy!! the power his s/o has over him is crazy ngl. u have him wrapped around ur finger fr. the doctors and nurses r mystified every time when u walk in and he calms down LOLL they start calling u whenever he starts acting up pfft they desperate. AND ALSO TIRED AF BKG IS A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL SFJS. everyone in the hospital's like "what r they feeding those heroes goddamn" .... trauma, they have trauma. and even with a broken leg bkg can raise hell loooll

pls bkg acts like such a tough baddie all the time he secretly just wants to be coddled 🥺🥺 but his pride makes him be like no! no weakness!! it's not as bad as when he was younger but it still makes it hard for him to ask/accept help on such an intimate level with u 🥺🥺 and he gets soooo emotional every time he sees u delicately and carefully taking care of him 🥺🥺 like he's made of glass and like he's the most important thing in the world to u. and that makes him tear up bc what did he do to deserve this?!??! 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

(and katsuki can only stare, heart in his throat, as you bring his bandaged fingers up to your lips and kiss each of them, one by one. he wants to curl up. wants to retreat back and away because this is so foreign to him--the emotions he feels at the bottom of his stomach. but he doesn't. because it's you, and he loves you. so fucking much.

because this has to be what love feels like, he thinks. it has to feel like his whole self is being sucked into a void and torn apart. that the only thing keeping him up is you, gently holding him like he'd crumble into dust otherwise. that he's dying, but he's also living, at the same time. and katsuki wants to run, for the first time in his life. but he doesn't. because he loves you.

"i know you're... more than capable of handling yourself," you whisper out once you kiss the tip of his pinky and look up at him. the look on your face makes him swallow heavily. makes his throat feel parched. "but... but... please. make sure you come home in one piece. okay?"

and katsuki's falling, exposed to all that surrounds him. he feels vulnerable in a way that makes his insides twist. but still, he doesn't run.

"okay," he can only croak out, closing his eyes to stop the burning he felt behind them)

but yeah LMAOOO HES SUCH A BRAT TOO starts acting up again once u leave. cuz hes so whipped 🥺 wakes up and sees a doctor checking his vitals and hes like :moyai: where's my s/o. immediately throws off his blankets to go find u and the doc's like ffs NOT AGAIN DYNAMIGHT!!!!

[thegalleonsnest]

A MAJOR CELEBRATION - HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

I’m a bit late on this, but it’s here! This is not only my anniversary piece, but my love letter to both the game and the community as a whole. I wanted to include as many grumpuses as I could, and I got way more than I ever thought I would ever draw lol. There was a point where I just had to stop or else I would be in muppet purgatory forever, but I really tried to get as many as I could.

Bugsnax as a game was something I didn’t expect to hit me on such a personal level. It truly was a game I fell deeply in love with for being inspirational, emotional, and creative. Because of that, it kicked a nasty art burn out phase I got right after graduating college, and made me pick up my tablet again. My art drive has been so strong, I’ve made more pieces this year alone than the last 2-3 years combined, and that’s saying something. I’ve improved so much too, it’s crazy looking back at what I was making at the start of the year to now.

This game had me so invested, that the moment I finished it, I went online and found so many other people who were also super into it. I actually wanted to push my comfort zone and put myself out there. I wanted to meet people, get involved in the community, talk to the artists I ended up looking up to as I discovered them through the tags. It’s such a surreal experience, because it actually happened! So many of these people are incredibly kind and talented, I feel honored to have made friends with so many of them, and have created some amazing friendships with them too.

Because of all this, it really made me put my year into perspective. 2021 was not an easy year for me personally. There are people out there in the community who mean so much to me...it makes me really appreciate them so much, and I have nothing but gratitude. There’s plenty of personal stuff I rather not get into, but if it were not for me taking the steps to put myself out there, meet people, and have people that genuinely support me as I support them, I literally don’t know where I’d be without them. You guys made and continue to make my year a very special one. I literally can’t thank you all enough, you all have my deepest gratitude.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you guys for the incredible year; and thanks Young Horses for the amazing game that kick started this whole thing.

Also, yes, this is desktop wallpaper compatible! 1920x1080!

(Keep an eye out in a reblog for an Artstation post for the complete breakdown of this piece and alternate versions of this piece! Will feature higher resolutation versions of these!)

Alrighty, now to properly credit all the people who’s OCs made an appearance in the piece! For the sake of making sure this post doesn’t take up over half your scroll bar, just click read more. There’s also some fun facts if your interested too.

Credits. I’m gonna start with the people from the back and work our way towards the front. There’s a couple of people on this list who don’t have tumblr, and their next best social media is either Twitter or elsewhere.

(Ignore Clumby lol) Going from Left to Right 1. Snedra Magnificar - @susiedreemurr 2. Talara Quietbell - @girlyliondragon 3. Lorabetta Nightshade - @smol-tired-binch-blog

Left to right 4. Jeffany Sparklight - @snorpington-fizzlebean 5. Lampton Wakley - @underturd 6. Alonsy Notaspy - @alon--sy 7. Rupyne Loupdaze - @ennnet

From top left to bottom right 8. Shadow Filbo - @spade-snax 9. Honeypie - @sheepeart 10. Tallpine - @snafubravado 11. Causskin - @jillibean06 12. Lezster - @spade-snax 13. Snaktooth (The big guy lol) - @snorpington-fizzlebean

Left to right 14. Borko Pickypluck - @/QBJ on Twitter 15. Chester “Cheesy” Chullabaloo - @snafubravado 16. Peeply Griffleseed - @moominmamma-time 17. Juleo Shimmershine - @punk-rockrz 18. Margarine Fabledfungus - @fungusry

Left to right 19. Boty Cuddletight - @fuzzyblizzardkitty 20. Sheepe Plumpoof - @sheepeart 21. Buddy Sonderthing - @happysonderthing 22. Pethani Milkysocks - @peanuttindraws 23. Maltah Mailstrife - @ennnet

From top left to bottom right 24. Quillda Tiddlything - @calliopepreforms 25. Ambla Longstock - @harleyonz 26. Averie Flickersnap - Blizz-chan on DeviantArt 27. Zeela Rivershriek - @hazey-moonlight 28. Buddy Dirtdigger - @longlive-the-new-fresh

From bottom left to top right 29. Mollinda Goosechase - @smol-tired-binch-blog 30. Lawnsie Lampshade - @soulgypsywastaken 31. Peppy Beeblebop - @thepearlad 32. Bud Scribblescrap - @basedsnax

Alright, first big group. Starting from the bottom row, left to right, and work our way up each row from left to right, we got

33. Willius Bortus - @the-forest-cryptid 34. Chordical Gallopano - Oh hey that’s me lol 35. Jay (we never got a name, so uh) - @jaypsnax 36. Cheery Chocopaw (giving the piggyback) - @dynablade 37. Whybin (piggyback-e) - @ryrolie 38. Noot - @the-forest-cryptid 39. Megawatt Slashflic - @alon--sy 40. Gabzell Diamondhaze - @wambusenjoyer 41. Sleepy - @sleepytaytay 42. Smelliott - @dogboyboyfriend 43. Orlifa Featherbean - @cheesesteakphil 44. Sunny Frazzlefuzz - @stupidsunny-d 45. Cloudia Driftyfloat - @stupidsunny-d 46. Franey - @jillibean06 47. Lazloo Morrowell - @basedsnax​ 48. Zhenya Funkytoad - @angryjojofrog 49. Frankly Battletap - @lynnesgalaxy 50. Arnlo Doodlydoo - @dani-k-k 51. Fuzzly Snickerwhisker - @dani-k-k 52. Meeptah Moonsmoke - @hazey-moonlight

From the bottom row, from left to right, and work our way up from left to right again 53. Seacile Cellopaw - @thylawhiskers 54. Cardikin Giggleheart - @strabbyshortcake 55. Everlee Meganugget - @girlyliondragon 56. Noelle Gigglefunny - @strabbyshortcake 57. Suzzah Sheepmoon - @/PeanutTheRoo on twitter 58. Scrungly Tickletfit - @/Master_Meowster on twitter 59. Emery Fizzleham - @glittery-cheepoof 60. Wrongle Wigglebottom - @susiedreemurr 61. Peachie Wigglefunny - @girlyliondragon 62. Kerleb Clumbertail - @pastel-snorpy 63. Quimbly Dazzlestomp - @its-laney-penn 64. Neddy Honeyfidget (Giving the piggyback) - @spade-snax 65. Mylon Magicknight (Piggyback-e) - @nonbinarybardd 66. Dizzee Muffinsparkle - @mylas-stash 67. Kedric Furball - @thylawhiskers 68. Duplo - From Discord (friend of @/Master_Meowster on twitter; person does not have social media) 69. Peeble Clumbertail - @pastel-snorpy 70. Lyton Writesworth - @nonbinarybardd 71. Clofur Cuddlepaw - @lucky-slime 72. Majorir - @deplorabletwink

And of course 73. McGee - That’s also me.

PHEW, WOW, THAT’S A LOT OF GUYS

Fun Facts:

- The total number of Grumpuses is 87. 73 of them being OCs and the other 14 are the main cast.

- If you noticed, I tried grouping a lot of these guys with certain themes and have it make sense for them to hang out with each other (kind of). I tried my hardest to keep it consistent, but there may be a few stray guys cause it would ruin the sort of even looking set up if I changed where they were.

-Obviously, some of the interactions and pairings are more or less little nods to other people’s connections with each other, whether it’s personal friends or people really liking their ocs together.

- I had to save out 5 different versions of this project because I had the time lapse running the whole time. The files were becoming so big, saving/opening the file became a struggle. Between the 5 files w/the time lapse recordings, the total file sizes ended up being 15.3 GB.

- The clean, final version of the project w/out the time lapse and still retains all the original layers is 172 MB.

- I started this project on November 6th, 2021 & finished it on December 2nd 2021 (That’s about 3 and half weeks, or about 26 consecutive days. No, I did not take a single day off working on this; and don’t worry, I took care of myself and had people check up on me just in case I was found lying on the floor family guy style)

The milestones dates are as followed,    - Sketch from start to finish: Nov 6th - Nov 11th    - Outline/Flats for initial background: Nov 11th - Nov 12th    - Outline/Flats for Characters: - Nov 13th - Nov 23rd     - Background Shading: Nov 24th - Nov 26th    - Character Shading: Nov 26th - Dec 1st    - Clean Up/Additional Background Detail: Dec 1st - Dec 2nd

- A good chunk of these guys have fully drawn out bodies just in case bits and pieces were shown or I had to move them around if the original sketch wasn’t gonna work.

- I haven’t done a large scale project like this since Dungeons and Grumpuses which was all the way back in March of 2021, so that tells ya how much I’ve grown and improved over the last couple of months.

- I have been told several times that I was crazy and was gonna die during this project, and I did several times lmao.